#from writing it at all i feel. half of the characters are named xy and half of the details are called xy. it's held together by safety pins

[rocksalt-and-pie]

@ people who write fics with a word count of 500k-1m and more, genuinely and respectfully, how the fuck do you do that.

no, I mean it. How. Do you plan out the entire thing or do you just start writing with a vague idea where it's supposed to go and then wing it? Do you ever come back to edit something? Do you write the ENTIRE thing before uploading it or do you update it whenever you've written something new? Do you ever get bored of your own creation (or is that a me problem)? Don't you ever just... only write ten words and then nothing for a month? Don't you ever just write the plot climax first and then struggle how to get there? Seriously, how.

Sincerely, a writer who has a roughly set goal for about 300k words and is STRUGGLING deciding where to begin. I've written a couple of novels before but they had a fraction of the characters and plot turns that this project has.

[capybaraonabicycle]

Hiya! For the writers truth & dare ask game, I'd love to know about..

🕯️On a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? Why is that?

🍄Share a headcanon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

❄️What's a dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best? (also, which character would be involved)

🌿Give some advice on writer's block and low creativity (or energy⚡if you like)

🏜️What's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

🌸Do you have any pets? If you do, post some pictures of them

I'm btw planning on reading more Righting Reflex in the evening, I just really need to get at least one and a half more tasks done today for my portfolio. Sending you much love 💚🦎

Thank you, love!! This is way too long, so I will put it under a 'read more'

🕯️On a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? Why is that?

Maybe a 3? Like, I don't hate it but I'm not too fond of it either. I enjoy reading what I have written more often than not and I like putting [GERMAN WORD] or [TBD - WRITE SMTH ABOUT XY] ever so often while writing, but I don't enjoy changing the story afterwards much. I rarely change big things, usually only a scene or two and a few expressions. That said, I have to read every scene like 15 times before posting to scour for errors - and I am certain I am missing so many anyway.

🍄Share a headcanon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

Okay, let's go with fugitive Doctor/River. (Did you expect this by any chance? ;) )

You know this bit:

source

[ID: two gifs from The Husbands of River Song of River saying "Do you know who you remind me of? My second wife!". end ID]

People have been speculating that she is talking about 13, which I get, definitely. But I want to argue that it is the superior interpretation that she would be talking about the fugitive Doctor (or another incarnation the Doctor has forgotten about but where would be the fun in that?). For the following reasons:

Vibes. This is the important point. River says 12 reminds her of the wife, so they have to be alike-ish. And I feel like 12 and the fugitive Doctor have a certain similarity in their demeanour. I think a big thing is how they hold themselves upright, actually, but also the whole Danny calling 12 an officer when the fugitive Doctor actually is one. Also the underlying kindness both of them possess and the end-life-crisis. They both lose all of their companions (Clara, Bill and Nardole vs Karvanista, Gat and Lee - one lives on but they can never see them again/forget about them, the other two die (or that's what they believe at least) and it is their fault) and I would argue they both are thinking about not regenerating this time. (I reckon the fugitive Doctor does not have a choice though.)

Loss. See the last point. The Doctor loses everything in fotj. Give her her wife, at least, please. Let River bring her some love and companionship <3 13 loses a lot as well but she's got Yaz. Which also leads us to:

Thasmin. Like, you know, if River had been tangibly in the 13th Doctor's life in any way, thasmin would have kissed. 100%. They didn't, so River didn't marry 13, simple as that.

Timelines. River does not know about more faces of the Doctor and well, 13 is older than 12. Of course, she could lie to her and yes, River gets married a little carelessly, so she might have married some John Smith!13. But if she met the fugitive Doctor - who seems very different from the timelord she knows and has no recollection of the Doctor's life, it would be easy for her to draw the conclusion that the Doctor is just some other person going by that name. And the fugitive Doctor would forget about her, of course. There's also a good possibility, River isn't actually married to the Doctor but to Ruth.

Time, Doctor's side. Honestly, 13 just doesn't have enough time to get married to River. Am I still hoping we will get those two on screen (or audio) together? Of course! But 13 is kinda busy, most of the time we either see her with the fam (who don't know River, see lotsd) or very occupied with stuff (like apocalypses or prison).

So, yeah, headcanon: The fugitive Doctor is River's second wife.

(The first is Cleopatra, right? Like Idk if there is canon confirmation but it feels true.)

❄️What's a dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best? (also, which character would be involved)

Okay, when I read this question, I thought I wouldn't have any idea. But I have. Several. Lets start. Fics I would will into existence if I could:

Full-length Little VVomen.

I know we won't get the movie, but I'll gladly take it as a novel fic. Just for an explanation: Little VVomen is a parody trailer for a crossover of Louisa May Alcott's Little Women and the horror movie VVitch (I assume, I don't actually know VVitch). And it is glorious. Just -

- If it's about a girl, make sure she's married by the end. - Does it have to be to a man?

lives in my head rent free. I want a full story of Jo March saying gay rights, writing spells and sacrificing innocent men, pretty please <3 And I really, really want to know what's up with the Sean!devil.

This is the trailer btw:

Anyone write this please? (If I could choose, I'd ask Sean and Sinead who wrote the trailer, but I fear, I am already stretching the definition of fic here and using the authors of the og trailer probably defeats the purpose of this question.)

2. Strax fairytale!! written by you :)

Strax as a fairytale protagonist is SUCH an inspired idea and I am hoping very much that you will get round to it some day. But I can't really tell you anything about that that you don't know better yourself.

Or, maybe, I can: I have become kinda enarmoured with the 'Strax as the faithful Johannes' idea, I have always adored that tale, mainly for the tragedy and extremely strong friendship theme. Like, it is so clear that the king's most important relationship is his friendship to his servant. The princess is lovely but they barely know each other, yet. And I think there is SO much potential to improve the abduction scene and the ending. So, yeah, I have been turning that around in my head a bit.

But no matter which tale you will pick, if you ever write a fic for him, I am sure I will absolutely love it!

(also, like, I could mention any of the fairytale ideas you have told me about, here)

3. Heather is an integral part of s10 by @marvellouspinecone

You remember that genius powerpoint Pine made, I assume? Wouldn't it be spectacular if someone wrote that as a fic for me to read? I would choose Pine as the author because she understands the vision best, of course. But, like, I am so grateful already that the powerpoint exists for me to read and dream about :)

(Hi, Pine, not sure you want to read the whole post, but you might see the tag. This is not a request, please don't understand it as such, because that would be incredibly impudent on my part. This is just fancy ideas of mine and a praise to your vision <3)

4. Tenteen is played by Jo Martin by DiscipleOfBrad

So, I actually enjoyed the 60th anniversary (at least wild blue yonder, that much very much had a premise of my type of dw ep) but I still believe we could have done better than bringing back dt for the umpteenth time. (Listen, he is lovely, don't get me wrong, and I liked '14' too, but just - )

I have written a post about why I think making the fugitive Doctor's face return would have been a more interesting choice and I would still love to read it as a fic.

I don't really care whether it would be a simple retelling of the three eps with her instead of tenteen or a completely different tale. I WOULD like to see Donna though (because can you imagine?? Also that scene where Donna just acts like she knows the Doctor all of a sudden? When the Doctor doesn't even really know herself but feels like she should?) and if we could spring for some Karvanista on top, that'd be ace <3

I would give this one to DiscipleOfBrad because I trust them to write a convincing fugitive Doctor. I really enjoyed her in The Cul-de-Sac (which btw I can highly recommend if you'd like some soft thasmin and an intriguing premise. There is a heavy side of whouffaldi, though, I'm not sure whether that is your thing?).

🌿Give some advice on writer's block and low creativity (or energy⚡if you like)

I feel like it always helps me to get myself into a 'I can't do anything else now anyway' situation? That's why trainrides are so good for writing. I just need to be in a situation where I can't take care of more pressing matters, so it won't feel overwhelming if I don't take care of them?

Like, I will rather scroll tumblr than work on my thesis but I won't write. But if I am away from wifi, I might not be able to work on the thesis anyway, so I will easier find the peace of mind (and hence energy and creativity) to write?

Idk maybe that's just me. Maybe it's not working at all either. Honestly, I don't quite know where energy, creativity or motivation to write come from. They just knock and then they're there.

🏜️What's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

Well, obviously, I adore long comments, who doesn't? But just saying 'long' feels both greedy and like cheating, so let's talk content.

I think, what excites me most in a comment is when I can sense the enthousiasm? It doesn't necessarily have to be for the content of my fic, I had someone write 'YOU MADE A CROSSOVER FOR THESE TWO FANDOMS?? THEY'RE MY FAVOURITE!!" and it made me smile for a day. Just, I write those things because I love the characters and themes and if someone shows that they share this passion? That's community, that's what we're searching for, isn't it?

But also I got a comment today that was just a bunch of predictions about the next chapter of my current fic and that felt amazing! Generally, when people notice things or I feel they have been paying attention, that is SO GOOD. That's probably also why we love long comments. I mean, generally, every second you spend reading the comment is gold, so the longer the comment the more seconds there are, but also a long comment will usually go into detail. Make predictions. Notice things. Talk about how they perceive the characters and why something made sense/surprised them. Quote your fic back to you. And like, all of that is so much fun. It's like reading your story again, remembering why you wrote it. It's the best feeling in the world.

I very dearly love comments.

🌸Do you have any pets? If you do, post some pictures of them

I don't 😭 The place where I live doesn't allow pets and besides, I am away a lot and not planning on staying in this town much longer anyway. So, yeah, it'd be difficult to have a pet. I really, really want to though. Preferably a cat but I'd be so happy with a dog as well. Or a turtle? Or bunny? Or a lizard? I think you could make me happy with almost any mammal and many types of reptiles <3 (not much into insects or fish though. And I feel weird about birds in cages.)

[silentmagi]

I posted 26,626 times in 2022

4,216 posts created (16%)

22,410 posts reblogged (84%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@logo-comics

@virovac

@sweetmeatdale

@mrevaunit42

@rosemary-kitten

I tagged 4,325 of my posts in 2022

#fanfic summaries - 4,122 posts

#miraculous ladybug - 1,447 posts

#boku no hero academia - 985 posts

#my hero academia - 982 posts

#mha - 981 posts

#bnha - 981 posts

#marinette dupain-cheng - 706 posts

#izuku midoriya - 636 posts

#rwby - 376 posts

#princess tutu - 279 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#guess what the song is based on and give me a number 1-3 as a private message (no anon) and i'll send you a sample of something unpublished

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

(Mariposa AU) Mariharem x Revenge in "The Art Of Ruining A Career"

On an anonymous chat room, several teens met to discuss what to do with one rather... aggravating lying sack of manure. Lady Wifi, BoomBoxer, Queen Wasp, Vanisher, Riposte, and Chat Blanc were sick of their Lady Mariposa being attacked by this... XY... and wanted to get him to stop.

Vanisher's suggestion of making him vanish for good seemed a bit extreme, but so far it had the most traction, until Chat Blanc pointed out that Lady Mariposa wouldn't want harm to befall him.

They had to get revenge that she would approve of, or else they would risk losing their lady's favor. After all, she had asked BoomBoxer to save him.

They would ruin his career, in a way that wouldn't make her feel guilty. He was already doing half the work with his attacking a hero of Paris, the one that didn't have excessive property damage tied to her name.

Actually, she had made a deal with the city yesterday to championize a few civil engineers and construction crews to repair the city to code or better. Apparently Queen Wasp had an inside course with the mayor's office that she thought could be trusted implicitly. Lady Mariposa had even asked that the difference between the cost of labor from her champions versus the cost of having repair crews do the same be donated to specific, reputable charities.

It had been a week since the last Sentimonster, and they were trying to rebuild and regroup... especially since Chat Noir and Lady Mariposa responded to 48 monsters in two days, at one per hour.

That had to have taken a lot out of them.

So yeah... even if she was going to take the lumps, XY had picked the wrong target to mess with.

The chaos compels.

If you want to write one of these, please just link me!

28 notes - Posted April 19, 2022

#4

Adrigaminette in: Bridal Blitz

Adrien and Kagame were glaring across the room, small boxes in hand. Marinette would be back with their snacks shortly... One of them would get to propose to her today...

29 notes - Posted February 25, 2022

#3

Fairy Tale RWBY: Fae Princess!Weiss & Woodsman!Ruby & Living Puppet!Penny in "Subtle Observations"

A tree following you in the middle of an empty field, a berry bush bearing fall berries in early spring that would creep after you in a flurry of rustles, and a rock that let out a squeal of panic as a snake slithered under it.

Penny and Ruby figured that they should probably just invite the Fae Princess along before she does something to get hurt.

The chaos compels.

If you want to write one of these, please just link me

30 notes - Posted September 14, 2022

#2

Marinette x Bodyguard!Fei Wu - The Secret Protector

Marinette's safety was vital to the world, and more importantly to her adopted cousin, her family's happiness. So it was vital that she makes it to this party without injury.

Fei Wu was going to do it like the stealthy ninja she thought herself to be.

The chaos compels.

If you want to write one of these, please just link me!

34 notes - Posted February 8, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Suffering In Another World

During a trip to visit a friend, a person is sent to another realm, and he is less than thrilled with it.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Inspired by Dracula Daily, a travel log of a different adventure. With @logo-comics providing the responses.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39441543/chapters/98712513

Hey Logo,

It’s been about three weeks since I was last online. At least that’s what my somehow still charged phone is telling me. As you might have guessed by the flaming skeleton who gave you the letter, it’s been an interesting three weeks. I suppose I should start at the beginning.

I will admit that I frequently get lost when traveling, but even this takes the cake. I hope that you understand that first and foremost I was really looking forward to meeting you and hanging out together for a while. At first I thought that driving through Illinois was taking a lot longer than I expected, and then the paved highway turned into dirt roads.

I had pulled over in an attempt to check the map, when I noticed a complete lack of signal on my phone. I was about to drive away when the strangest thing happened. You know that scene in Jurassic Park where the T-Rex crushes the RV? I got to live it! Only the dinosaur could fly, breathe fire, and steal my car.

I fell out of the door that had popped open, and laid on the ground as the beast flew away with my car and all my stuff.

Laying on the road, I saw many things that do not exist in our world flying overhead, and somehow knew I wasn’t in Kansas any more. After a while, I got up and decided to find my way somewhere with people that could help me get out of here. I never thought that being a scout would actually pay off. My bout of reflection had at least given me an indication of what I’m calling East to West travel of the main sun. The smaller one seems to follow it, but I want to see a model of the system before I make the call on that.

That’s probably boring to you, so I’ll fast forward through me walking through several days in the woods, sleeping in tree branches, and finding out that those pack bonding posts were serious business. I had a pack of wolves that were following me for a while, and then the leader was before me. I’m guessing that it was the leader as it spoke to me, and had a horn crown thing.

. . . I’m just realizing that I’m an idiot and that was probably a druid.

Anyways, they guided me to some water to drink, and showed me some safe to eat berries. Then they helped me get to a town, where they explained that the local wizards botched some ritual or other, and a lot of outsiders were in the area. Anyways, after eating some amazing roast pork (I like meat, and a week and a half with nothing but nuts and berries anything tasted glorious), the town guard gave me a run down of where I could shack up while they settle things, but if I wanted to do something, they could use some help.

So I’m working with the wizards to clean up their tower, and learning enough about their alchemy and magic to review his notes. Apparently pointing out that he missed carrying a 1 in the reagents is enough to qualify me.

It’s an extra 5 gold a week, and I’m doing something that isn’t sitting with my thumb up my ass. Also, I’m able to write these notes, and have access to the skeletal postal services. He is supposed to stay until you send a reply, and don’t worry about paying him. I paid for the reply and gave him a tip. I hope that my family will send me the care package of spices and soda that I asked them for.

I hope like hell they can help me get caffeine before I go out and strangle the rooster that crows at like three in the morning. Otherwise, there will be spiced chicken for dinner.

I hope that this letter finds you well, and that you are not stuck in a world of asshole dragons that steal your car, jerk roosters, and druids that like to mess with you.

I also hope that the skeleton makes my story a little more believable, and that you forgive me for missing our meet-up. I hope that I’ll have more to tell you in my next letter.

Oh, where are my manners? How are you doing? Sorry about venting like that.

Please write back, I am believing this is all a coma dream and figure that as long as I have something to look forward to I’ll survive longer.

Silentmagi (apprentice)

77 notes - Posted June 4, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[bao3bei4]

i have basically covered the material in this post several times on my twitter. but this is, in my opinion, the only s*xy t*mes with w*ngxian take you need. 

(cw transphobia, transphobic slurs, antiblack racism, mentions of csa and bestiality in fiction)

edit 6/10/21: hi! i’m realizing people are still reading this! this was written in response to aja romano’s vox article on the fic that was published in late february of this year. i had been frustrated with how their article seemed to miss the point in many ways, because they never talked about the substance of the fic. which, i mean, fair. i wouldn’t want to read a 1million word fic either.

but i already had, so i thought i’d write about some things that i believed needed to be part of the conversation. namely, that its author wasn’t a harmless troll, but a person i genuinely disliked who i believed should be deplatformed.

i think virtual1979 is a bad person. 

i think a lot of people mainly know about sexy times the phenomenon more than they do sexy times the fic itself. i have the dubious honor of being one of the few people who has actually read large portions of the million word fic, and that’s why i wanted to write this meanspirited hit piece. 

the fic is down right now and the author’s notes and comments have both been deleted, which is why i cannot provide screenshots. however, these are all quotes i have saved from when the fic was online, and i’m happy to talk with anyone if you feel any of these quotes are mischaracterizations of the fic. 

i also want to be clear this is not a “callout post” and i’m not trying to “cancel” them or whatever. i am just explaining why i don’t like them, why i don’t feel bad they’re being harassed, and why i do not find them sympathetic at all, and perhaps why you should also adopt these stances. 

let’s start with transphobia. 

sexy times with wangxian is transphobic. this much is apparent from the tags. virtual1979 tagged the following: F*tanari, d*ckgirl, Sh*male. they use this language in the chapters that include a character with both a vagina and a penis. 

they refer to this character (wei wuxian) with the pronouns “he-she.” the following excerpt is a fair representation of how this wei wuxian is referred to in the chapters where wei wuxian has a vagina and a penis. 

[Lan Zhan] would never be turned on by a female, and he would actually be turned off by a drag queen - but this… this Wei Ying, it’s Wei Ying, and he-she looks [...]

i know these words are common in porn categories, but they are also slurs. virtual1979 also uses hermaphrodite to refer to this set of anatomy, which is not strictly a slur, but definitely a stigmatizing choice of language. 

they have repeatedly made clear they are not open to criticism. they have also since removed the comment section. making an intersex character for the express purpose of using transmisogynistic language towards them in your million word porn fic isn’t annoying the way their tags are, it’s actively fucked up. 

fanfiction has a transphobia problem, and if we’re talking about sexy times with wangxian in any capacity, we must be clear: sexy times with wangxian is part of that problem too. 

secondly, virtual1979 is also complicit in ao3’s racism problem.

i think the way they write about chinese characters and settings is annoying and racist, but they are a malaysian chinese person, so i do have some sympathy for them. i am committed to having some patience for people who are annoying if they themselves are working through the prejudice they have faced. 

they’ve commented as much: 

Not gonna lie, this fic has been a steep learning curve for me despite my roots being Chinese as well, but I have absolutely zero knowledge in some of these aspects!

and i’m happy on some level they can get in touch with their roots. who among us has not been cringe and diaspora. any criticisms i have of their portrayal of chinese people will stay private and be made to other people of color.

i’m going to be clear here i don’t think the actual comment they made makes them super evil or anything. but this essay IS clearly in response to That Article, which did mention racism in fandom. so.

i think we have all seen the infamous karen comment they made, in which they compared people who criticized their tagging with “Karens,” equating antiblack state violence to... mean comments on ao3? and “SJWs,” which, eye roll. no ageism but you’re 41 why the hell are you complaining about sjws

anyway. i am deeply frustrated by the co-option of the word karen. a stand-in for a particular type of racist violence white women specifically can and do inflict has become fused with that reddit-type mommy issue “can i speak to the manager” internecine white resentment. 

so their trivialization of antiblack racism is another reason i don’t like them. again i KNOW it’s petty to point this out here, but this to me shows that virtual is afflicted with the same kind of fandom brainrot that aja is, where everything comes back to that same sort of self-centered bullshit. 

sorry for that jab. julian told me that aja thought that cql was about callout culture and all i could think was “wow! just like virtual thinking that--” because i also have spent too much time on twitter this week. 

this is just like. part of this ongoing pattern i’ve noticed with virtual, where they’re aware enough of real problems to acknowledge they exist (police violence, accessibility issues caused by their tagging) but are determined to double down on their minor relative persecution as king, shittily drawing parallels between like... real problems and fandom problems. equating the two or allowing the second to take priority over the former is like... par for the course for this type of person! 

third, this is just another clarification on more parallels between ao3 discourse and sexy times that went completely unremarked on by That Article. 

i would rather DIE than get into discourse. but why did they write this sentence: 

Lan Zhan’s rational mind finally broke with a tsunami of pedophilic lusts [...]

by the way that is the start of a 430 word sentence. and yes this fic does contain hundreds of thousands of words of aged down wei wuxian. make of that what you will. 

also why would you make wei wuxian teach baby chickens how to sexually pleasure him. do you hate these characters. what’s going on. i think mxtx should be able to sue virtual for that one. 

there’s a very obvious connection between mainstream ao3 discourse and sexy times that went completely unremarked on in That Article. sexy times contains multitudes and some of those multitudes are bestiality and explicit childfucking. 

this is not unrelated to fannish culture, they are not unfamiliar with fannish norms, blah blah blah. this is just normal fandom. they’re not subverting shit, they’re just a normal fan who unlike 99% of fanfiction writers on twitter, spends more time writing than posting. this has taken their fannish tendencies to cartoonish heights. 

finally, they don’t care about mdzs or wangxian. they’re literally just horny and spiteful that’s it. this isn’t a question of like... “ohh they were a good faith participant in fandom until they went joker mode” and the REAL villain is society/ao3. like no they wanted to write shitty porn, and when they found out they were annoying people, they decided to double down because they could be the main character of the mdzs ao3 tag every time they found a spare hour to write. 

here are some select receipts on that topic:

they do not care about canon: 

MDZS has quite a complicated and expansive plot and history, and enough content that one can choose to tune out certain parts and still get to the end of the story in one piece. Also, because of its source, some fans may not fully realize the nuances, cultural aspects (ooh, cultural appropriation is another triggering topic) or the full breadth and depth of the source material, such as a person like me, who is half-baked in terms of knowing what the canon universe is all about. So I end up playing with characters and settings technically borrowed from the story, and make them do things that would otherwise run counter to the original source material - and that draws quite some flak from those opinionated people I mentioned just now. It's part of what makes the fandom toxic. It's like they're the self-appointed guardians of the source material and they act like they own the rights to question such questionble fanworks, and dare I say, try to take down those that cross certain lines too.

they are just horny: 

After that giddines of extra drunken Lan Wang Ji scenes at the beginning, I'm blessed with Lan Wang Ji (Wang Yibo's, actually) fuzzy nips! Bless Bless Bless, and Amen! muahs the nips on the screen

anyway they did get nuked over wishing covid on people. 

so yeah. i want to be really clear. this is my thesis: i do not feel bad for them. you should not either. i do not like them. you should not either. that’s ALL!!!! 

[wovenstarlight]

YWBK update: chapter 25 + liner notes

yesterday will be kinder has updated! you can read chapter 25 here, or start from the beginning here

okay, on to notes and commentary! first time i’m doing these, let’s hope this works out. commentary under the cut to save people’s dashes

Hamin laughs. “Given how bad you are at not being suspicious, that’s understandable.” “Oh, come on, I’m not that bad.” Hamin screws up his whole face in a squint. “Okay, so maybe I’m a little bad.”

this part was really funny to me when i wrote it because i was like “hmm reasons for DHM to understand why HHJ wouldn’t work in the guild” and then i was like Wait. Their Whole First Meeting, Dude. DHM was lowkey convinced for the longest time that HHJ was like, on the run from the KR version of the mafia, and got plastic surgery to look like his little brothers, and is possibly in some sort of witness protection program??? or something??? how else does he not have cops on his ass this man is so suspicious all the time

“I don’t think… They said the dungeons were, like, different worlds? Did they find people there?”

mafia theory second place. dungeon theory first place

“Like, humans? Um. No, no humans.” “So then you can’t be from there. Okay.”

dungeon theory shot down. mafia theory back in the running

“Hey,” he says cautiously. “I’m— I’m gonna go get us some water, okay? Why don’t you… take a minute.” “Okay.” “The bathroom is over there, if you need it.” “Okay. Thank you.”

after four years working alongside a guy you start to notice when he’s feeling a little out of it and needs a bit of a break... but as JHW mentions later you also learn to be a little subtle about giving him one

jung heewon What’s with your typing? It reads like Jihye’s [HYJ]’s fine. Very energetic Too energetic? He’s going to burn out. How do I make him calm down

Epic Burnout Man makes a reappearance! when translating sclass one of the things that makes me want to shake HYJ most is his habit of constantly adding things to his to-do list while he already has 1 billion things on his plate. and all the time he’s whining about “UGH there’s SO MUCH WORK to do” No One Asked You To Do It

Anyway. the point is. HYJ isn’t about to be beat by HHJ at Developing Issues 😔

jung heewon I haven’t spoken to him directly about this because if he’s anything like you he’ll take it as an insult You wtf whts tht supposed 2 mean quit typing jung heewon Better not say shit, mr “No, I can’t take days off and cater to my interests or go out with friends or on a date, I’m too busy taking care of the kids and making sure their needs are met, no I don’t care that there are thousands of people out there balancing personal enjoyment and romance and work AND kids at the same time, are you suggesting I be a BAD GUARDIAN to MY KIDS?”

see above re: not being too direct with pointing out when HHJ’s having Issues because he doesn’t react well

You wht but our eyes r fine jung heewon Even if having glasses doesn’t run in the family, you should still get him checked, just in case

top 10 funny time travel moments: referring to you and your past self as “us” (our = my eyes are fine), but other people think you mean “our family” (our eyes are fine = no family history of long/shortsightedness)

Also. Sooyoung-ie says hi [Attachment: 20XX1213_144516.jpg] 

ok no lie this was one of the parts that pissed me off the most, even though it’s Literally One Line, because. i love chat exchanges. i really do. when done right they’re a lot of fun to read. But Do You Know How Long It Took Me To Figure Out A Calendar For The Events In This Fic. now everything’s TIMED i have to count HOW MANY DAYS IT’S BEEN since XY event so i can CORRECTLY NUMBER the FILE ATTACHMENTS!!! this sucks!!! it took me fucking forever to pin down a timeline just so i could write this chapter plus the few before and after it!!!!

anyway i gave up when i reached year. i just put 20XX. fuck it. we are running on fairy tail time now. (actually i think that’s XXnumber number? XX76? or was it X796. something like that. Who cares i stopped watching fairy tail forever ago)

Fuck it! Hamin will understand!! “If you Awaken you should come work with me,” Han Hyunjae says all in a rush. 

“HAMIN WILL UNDERSTAND” => he literally was cool with me giving zero context for half a dozen absolute balls to the wall nonsense bullshit things i’ve done before. he’ll be fine with this too. dog_in_burning_house_this_is_fine.png

“You already know about the guilds, those are going to be for dungeon Hunters, but I was thinking of forming something like an independent group of contractors. Awakened people with skills that aren’t useful for combat, but that might… that will be generally useful. It’d be you and me, and maybe one other guy I met recently. Probably more in the future.”

given that HHJ has no idea currently that peace exists (i’m so sorry baby i’ll find a way to shoehorn you in soon i miss you so much) he’s got no intentions to start a kiseungsu business yet! he mostly wants to live quietly while just acting as a manager for other Awakening-related services, like YMW’s forge and DHM’s tracking service, along with the information exchange/lowkey spy ring that he’s planning on setting up with JHW and the bar. since HYH is fine associating with him in this timeline, HHJ’s thinking he can get a foot in the door that way, then eventually spread out into dealings with most major guild leaders

RIP to this plan. you were well-made but you will not last long.

“Please, I can’t tell you how I know that, I really can’t, it’d put me and my brothers in danger if it got out. But—” “No need.” Hamin looks slightly alarmed, and Han Hyunjae feels himself settle at the obvious concern in his eyes.

MAFIA THEORY RAPIDLY RISING TO PROMINENCE??? THIS IS NOT HOW DO HAMIN WANTED HIS GUESS CONFIRMED

“I spoke to the Task Force Head and she said that there’s been discussion about hosting a meeting for the nearby high-rankers, where they’ll announce the guild proposal and see who else is interested in trying it out.”

“they’ll announce” i’m sorry king 💔 you deserved a nap

(OH ALSO FUN FACT choi eunyoung is a canon character, not an OC of mine! she appears in uhhh i think late 140s? 150s? something like that)

“I think there’s… probably only one other S-rank who’s Awakened right now?”

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehhehe

Hamin beams. “No, they’re doing great! Spookie’s taken really well to the new housing situation, but I think Spots might miss the store…”

shoutout to @daemonic-dawn​ for letting me borrow a pet name, love u king. i had a much longer ramble about pet names here but i finished typing and realized it was all entirely off topic so i removed it for convenience

Hyunjae makes an annoyed noise in the back of his throat. “Don’t— I mean.” He huffs, visibly taking a deep breath, and Yoojin frowns reflexively. [...] “Is everything alright?” Yoojin kind of wants to be annoyed at his tone on principle, but he forces his shoulders to relax, matching Hyunjae’s posture. Though he can’t stop himself from being a little short when he answers.

things the brothers have learned in four years living together: getting confrontational often leads to arguments that just fizzle out anyway, so it’s way fucking easier to consciously tone down their combativeness in advance when talking to each other about things they have problems with, instead of screaming their heads off and then having to calm yoohyun down afterwards to boot

“I guess. Whatever.” Yoojin slumps. “Can I…” “Hm?” Hyunjae blinks at Yoojin as he gestures to the spot on the bed beside him, then jolts. “Oh! Yeah, sure, c’mere.” He opens his arms, and Yoojin goes over and flumps on the bed, head in Hyunjae’s lap. Almost immediately, Hyunjae starts stroking fingers through his hair, and Yoojin relaxes into the touch, listening as Hyunjae continues speaking.

cuddles 🥺🥺🥺 sorry i don’t have any other commentary here just. cuddles. extremely and overwhelmingly comforting for a man who spent the better part of 8 years(?) with no major positive relationships, and a kid who spent 12 years of early life basically abandoned by his parents. you had best bet they gave up on not hugging each other 1 year into this whole mess

Yoojin hums in acknowledgement. It’s not like he’d ever let himself get hurt; he has too many responsibilities to his family and friends. If he wants to be good enough to keep up, he can’t afford to fuck up like that. But… hyung will worry if he keeps working so hard. He can slow down a little for him. 

Problems disorder man when will you stop. the way he sees “getting hurt” as an inconvenience and an obstacle to his duties rather than a danger to himself. the way he doesn’t really care if he himself gets hurt, but if it’ll worry his family, then it’s a no-no. it’s just. wow. i know i wrote this but i hate him

“Not really. I talk to Myeongwoo about it sometimes.” “Ah, right, Myeongwoo.”

haha gays

“Don’t be weird about him,” Yoojin warns[...]. “I won’t, promise.”

if the “i won’t” line had a dialogue tag it’d be “Han Hyunjae lied”

“Is Eunwoo still in his relationship?” “Mhm, happy as ever. Apparently they’re trying long-distance, now that Eunwoo’s gone off to university abroad.”

three guesses for who eunwoo’s dating and you won’t need the first two

Hyunjae raises his hands like he’s going to deny the accusations levelled against him, so Yoojin seizes him by the collar and shakes him until he cries for mercy

oh my o/rv ass struggled so bad with not writing “shakes him like a man betrayed” here. it killed me not to. but in the end i prevailed (against, uh, myself. don’t think about it too hard.)

“Jeez, okay, he’s an F-rank!” “Eh?! Then why—” “He’s also got an SS-rank potential skill,” Hyunjae admits[...].

play-by-play of this scene because god if i draw any scene in this fic it would be this one just for the sheer hysterical nature of HYJ’s reaction:

YOOJIN: I HATE YOU WHAT THE FUCK WHY. TELL ME HIS RANK

HYUNJAE: HE’S AN F

YOOJIN: WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK?

HYUNJAE: he’s also got an SS-rank skill,

YOOJIN:

[missholland]

The one(s) who never stop searching

I sometimes wonder whether Hanguang Jun grew up with a role model, is there anyone he looks up to, or that just doesn’t exist because LWJ is too busy being admired and respected by pretty much everyone else (apart from his biggest anti-fan Su She).

Of course, he adores his soulmate. BUT, now rewatching the Coffin Town arc, I just really want to write something about LWJ and his admiration for Xiao Xingchen/Song Lan.

LWJ first met XXC and SL in episode 10 when checking out Chang clan’s manor in Yue Yang with WWX and JC. The duo captured Xue Yang there, and introduced themselves to the gang.

‘Xiao Xingchen, the moon in the breeze. Song Zichen, the Gentry despite the frost. Your decency is known to us’. This was probably the longest sentence LWJ said to another human being since the beginning of the series. Even his eyes scream ‘I’m a fan’ and makes WWX turn around in surprise. 

During their later conversation as NHS and JGY arrive, XXC and SL talk about how they’re not interested in bloodlines and just cherish those with same ambitions. LWJ has obviously been listening very carefully, and even actually asks where they cultivate and how others can find them. I mean, since LWJ has not really opened up by that point, it’s truly impressive coming across new characters that manage to generate so much interest from LWJ within a very short time. Let me repeat. he even ASKS PERSONAL QUESTIONS!

His admiration becomes VERY clear just a few minutes after during the farewell scene. It’s probably only the 3rd time LWJ gives us a mellow facial expression since episode 1. He watches on as XXC and SL depart - quite a long look with a mix of emotions: appreciating, pondering, wondering, with a tiny bit of sorrow, somehow. He was clearly in his own world until WWX calls him back down to earth. He then gives his soulmate a soft look before nodding and following the gang. WWX clearly senses that LWJ has something in mind, as they walk, he turns and looks at LWJ.

This is how I interpret LWJ’s thought process in that sequence. As he looks on XXC and SL leaving, it feels like he has a bunch of ‘What if...’ questions in his head. Probably something along the line of ‘Darn, wouldn’t it be nice to just roam the world with your lifelong confidant, protect the weak, exorcise the evil without the burden of playing clan politics? What if I was not restricted by 3,500 rules at Gusu? What if I could actually live a life as in my name WangJi - to not seek fame or wealth, forget about worldly matters, and be at peace with the world?’. As soon as WWX calls him he turns around and.... ‘What if I could live that life with this person?’.

I’m convinced from this point, LWJ already has a vision in his head about going on adventures with his soulmate. We know he eventually got his dream come true from episode 34 onward, but it was a very very long and painful way for him to get there. At the end of episode 35, when filling WWX in about what happened to XXC and SL, LWJ was visibly upset which led him into having himself a drink. Some may argue that his frustration is due to people still shitting on WWX after all these years, or about the injustice related to Jin clan and Xue Yang rather than XXC and SL. I still think that being reminded of the duo’s tragic fate when talking to WWX does have some impact on LWJ’s emotion. 

It was a clear case of extreme clan-related injustice that brought so much pain to the lives of 2 people who are not even attached to any sect whatsoever, 2 people who just purely wanted to protect the world from evil while not taking side. They were simply caught up in the whole major clans corruption shamble, and clearly the last people on earth who deserved to die/gone missing because of the clans’ mess. For someone who has long admired their decency, how would that NOT frustrate LWJ - someone who’s already in a long battle against injustice that screwed over his soulmate’s life?

Fast forward to the end of the Coffin Town arc in episode 39, it’s now revealed that Xue Yang murdered everyone at Snow White Pavilion, turned SL blind and led XXC to give his eyes to SL. As LWJ was searching for WWX, elsewhere, someone else was also looking for their other half. Unfortunately, SL arrived to find XXC being deceived by Xue Yang, and basically all of them ended up with tragic fates. Once all of the misunderstanding is finally clarified, we find WangXian and the junior disciples in front of A Qing’s grave. Once again, WWX notices LWJ being miles away in his own thoughts. He looks up and stares into his soulmate’s beautifully surreal face. It has an odd sense of relief in his vision, mixed with a bit of fear - a ‘close call’ type of fear, like... ‘Something even more awful could have happened’. 

LWJ then mumbles ‘Fortunately...’ to a confused WWX and probably because of censorship, we never get to hear the end of that sentence. Putting in the context of everything that just happened to them, it’s not too difficult to work out that LWJ was acknowledging how extremely lucky he was being able to reunite with WWX safe and sound. Sadly, XXC and SL did not get that chance.

 They then returned to XXC’s coffin to find SL. LWJ looks on, apologetically, as WWX gives SL what’s left of XXC’s spiritual cognition. Just a quick side note, I cry EVERY SINGLE TIME watching SL write in the soil with this sword ‘Roam this world with Frostwork. Exorcise evil beings alongside Xingchen’. 

LWJ then looks up to SL and it feels so strongly that he wanted to say something. He’s been there - he saw his soulmate falling off the cliff. He started to invest most of his time searching for WWX, from appearing whenever chaos was to communicating with spirits asking for WWX’s whereabouts. 16 years of mourning the dead and living with the pain, feeling incomplete and empty without his counterpart. 

LWJ is the only person who can relate to SL. And that’s probably why he knows there’s nothing to be said that could ease the pain. He proceeds to respectfully present SL with XXC’s Frostwork and bow. 

LWJ, with sadness in his eyes,  watches SL walk away, this time without XXC by his side. The scene cuts to WWX thinking to himself ‘I wonder if the two of them would be able to meet each other again’. The same thought must have gone through LWJ’s mind as well. WangXian then exchange a mournful look - if only the camera has stuck around longer for us right here, as I’m sure, this could have been the ‘We should be thankful that we are still standing in front of each other’.

I really appreciate The Untamed crew setting a good 3-episode arc aside to tell the tragic story of XXC/SL/XY the best way they could. It’s also a good idea to change the timeline of certain event so that XXC and SL cross path with WangXian in WWX’s first life, as it lets us see from very early on that LWJ is not just a rigid guy to follow rules all the time. He doesn’t have all the answers to everything in his life just because he reads all the books at Gusu. He does have certain insecurity and curiosity about a different path, now that there’s someone in his life that make it worth considering. It also provides more context to the unfortunate contrary between the fates of WangXian and SongXiao.

If you’re also impressed with this arc as much as I am, I would strongly recommend checking out the novel as it tells us a lot more about SongXiao origin story and how their feud with Xue Yang started. Besides the main couple whom all of us obviously stan, this storyline definitely impressed me the most rather than anything else. I really wish one day Song Lan would succeed in nursing Xiao Xingchen’s spiritual recognition back to wholeness and they would meet again.

[jehannanmage]

get to know the blogger !

can be used for RP  and  non-RP blogs to get to know a bit about the person behind the screen.

1. name: Vicky 2. strange fact about yourself: I like to think of myself as p chill, but... I definitely used to be a really vindictive demon child. My way or the highway. My mum recalls a day where she made me mad and she woke up to me standing beside her bed, hands behind my back -- after coaxing my hands forth, she discovered I was holding scissors...

She just kinda went like. ok. weird. then later went to do laundry and found that her pillowcases had been cut up 8)

3. top 3 physical things you find attractive on a person: eyes, for sure. the way a person smiles. the back/shoulders maybe? Honestly never really thought about it ._. 4. a food you could eat forever and not get bored of: stirfry probably. Gimme that rice and veggies!! Veggiessss <3 OR PIZZA. PIZZZZAAAAAAAAAA 5. a food you hate: do iced cappuccinos count? yuck. failing that, i guess... peanut butter. 6. guilty pleasure: honestly anything??? I’m trying to learn to let go but I still can’t help feeling guilty whenever I’m not doing something productive. Which is so draining. Which doesn’t tend to lead toward future productivity, really. A nasty cycle, that. So. Like. Drawing. Writing. Comicking. Gaming. Cartoons. hhhhhhhhh 7. what do you sleep in: tee and PJ pants. My fave is probably my yellow tee with Trafalgar Law’s Heart Pirates jolly roger on it :3c I need to get some new stuff, all of mine has holes in it oTL haven’t found anything i like 8. serious relationships or flings: ehhh probably serious? Again, not something I’ve considered much of late either way. 9. if you could go back in the past and change one thing about your life, what would it be: egh... probably seeking solutions to both mental and physical health issues sooner rather than later. oops. (probably a lot easier to fix injuries n such Not 10 years after the fact.. aha..) 10. are you an affectionate person: hmm... probably just an average amount of affectionate? don’t mind it but don’t necessarily go out of my way, either. 11. a movie you could watch over and over again: i don’t watch movies much buuut... probably the first half of How To Train Your Dragon. It’s magical qwq 12. favourite book: god it’s been so long uh. I don’t think I have a favourite, you know, but the Elfstones of Shannara by Terry Brooks is probably close. 13. you have the opportunity to keep any animal as a pet, what would you choose: any animal, you say... snow leopards are hands down my fave < 3 but if we’re going more like, normal critters, I’ve always loved cats. I’d love to adopt another but not until I know I’m settled/able to provide. (In the meantime... I am fostering kitties/trying to help them along to their furever homes qvqb!!) 14. top 5 fictional ships: ehhhh. i don’t really. ship much. I dunno. /shrug I kinda like lukanette tho it’s just. warm. lessee. what else. matthew x leila I guess? I’m not ride or die for any ships, really. (Like!! I will gladly listen to friends talk about the merits of their OTPs and don’t get me wrong, I love romance stuff-- but I've never really gone out of my way to hc pairings /shrug) 15. pie or cake: both. gimmme. (unless it’s sugar pie, then, That.) 16. favourite scent: freshly cut wood, or a nice fire burning in the pit in the backyard... the ocean breeze... my neighbours barbecuing delicious foodstuffs... vanilla... ;v; bliss 17. celebrity crush: don’t care much ‘bout celebrities :v younger me used to think matt dallas from kyle xy was p dang attractive tho. (why did they cancel it aaaaaa) 18. if you could travel anywhere, where would you go: anywhere and everywhere!! I’ think I’d like to go to Europe next, maybe backpack across it or smth. I’d love to do a Visit Friends tour of the US at some point. And I really really wanna go back to Japan, too. The world is so vast though... cool stuff to see everywhere. 19. introvert or extrovert: introverted? far less than I used to be but still nowhere near extroverted. 20. do you scare easily: eh. so-so.  21. iphone or android: iphone for now. probably trying android next phone I get though. . . 22. do you play any video games: yes. gimme them JRPGs. and smash bros. aaaaaaaa fight me 23. dream job: hahahahahhah dream job would be Not Having to Work 8) Nah but, definitely something in the creative field. That’s what all the career quizzes say i would need to feel happy and fulfilled, anyway <w< If I ever got off my butt and got good enough to make a living off my stories, comics or otherwise, that’d be the dream. Honestly, I don’t know what the future holds for me and at this point I’m almost scared to ask/find out! 24. what would you do with a million dollars: pay off my student loans, help my fam a bit, invest the vast majority!! (and later, I’d love to donate to causes I support), travel a bit!!! or a lot!! go back to school???? buy So Many damn commissions of my OCs, and... welllll... if I need to pay to get someone who will actually Help me with my injuries n mental health, then, that!!! Being pain free would be amazing. 25. fictional characters you hate: i don’t think i hate any characters? I tend to like a lot of the snarkier ones, aheh; 26. fandom that you were once apart of but aren’t any longer: fandoms are Scary 8) why can’t peeps just be nice to each other jkkhjakk;aasfd (that is to say, I don’t usually partake -- ferp stuffs is probably the most i’ve done so)

tagged by: :v tagging: anyone!

[jcs-writing-hell]

MDZS Writing Game

@the lovely anon from my main ac (jc-aka-why-me)

hey there & sorry for the late reply but i needed a while to come up with an idea i was really satisfied with! i hope you don’t mind and here we go~

Xue Yang/Xiao Xingchen | Modern AU | Questioning life choices, Cooking, Argument | Snow

Taken from my MDZS Writing Game | I accept more requests

-

Xue Yang is a boy that grows up in an orphanage where no one cares about whether he comes “home” or not, or what he does when he doesn’t come back - or the condition he comes back in. He is a kid that gets into all sorts of ugly trouble, having had to switch schools more than anyone should be legally allowed to - especially within the last 2-3 years. He had a ugly childhood and now with 16 years old he has entirely given up the good outlook he once had on society. He doesn’t care, knowing doing so will only harm him more than ruining everything he could possibly hold dear when he feels like it so at least it ends in his own terms. Or destroying others, or what they love, anything is better than being harmed in one way or another himself.

He isn’t dumb though. Even if he barely attends a class for half a year, switching schools at last once mid-term, he always makes sure to just so get his grades up enough to get a year higher. As much as he enjoys fooling around, he likes to prove those that dare look down on him wrong with winning last minute.

Around 2 weeks ago he had to switch the school again. He had gotten into a brawl at the closing ceremony of the year in his old school and wasn’t asked nicely to please never return. For around a week everything ran like usually, but on a shitty monday he spotted someone who caught his attention. He even went out of his way to bully some idiot into telling him who the guy was.

It was a tall beauty, nice character, around 2 years older, who was about to graduate at the end of the year: The person's name was Xiao Xingchen.

Xue Yang had already gotten to know that with his history the school wanted him to join a club, trying to force him to learn better social skills - or in hopes he’d join one, cause a mess and be gone quick. He was about to just “fuck off” but after seeing Xingchen he slyly followed him around, getting to know quickly that the beauty voluntarily played some sort of teacher at the cooking club where any teen above the “responsible age of 16” could join.

Xue Yang signed up for exactly that club, just for fun..

However, he had no idea how to cook, nor did he put much effort in.. and thanks to that he came to enjoy a lot of extra help from his senior. It was between idiotic and adorable how Xingchen kept coming to his aid even for something as simple as cooking rice.. even after he had shown XY how to prepare it 5 times already.

A bit of time passed like that, XY was enjoying himself and unsure what he was plotting himself as well.

The bit of time were around 4 months during which XY was so engrossed in his “game” that he didn’t take note of how much time was passing. That was until the club was supposed to take part in a event, like all other clubs as well. It was especially important for the seniors that would go on to uni or work soon, because possible future teacher and so forth would show up.

Not that that mattered to XY.. Not like he cared. Not like he’d go on to do something great with his life. A shitty thrown away orphan like him. Who was the school even kidding.

However, thanks to the event that was coming up XXC spend extra hours after school end with him, trying to teach him each and every single day how to prepare the dish he was in charge of. Of course, XY messed up whatever he could mess up on purpose time and time again.

By then he had began to honestly believe in his heart that he could do whatever & XXC’s patience would never run out. That things were running how he wanted them for once.. He wasn’t even being a true ass at this point, just not putting in effort but apart from that he behaved, smiled, showed respect and was over all nice.

,,Could you please try to do that properly for once, A-Yang?”

XY was fooling around again, just that this time XXC’s reaction wasn’t a little cute chuckle, he sounded like everyone always did: His patience was running out. And the only way in which XY knew how to react was cutting the ties between them painfully, right there and then because if he would end it, if he would be the one landing the final blow before XXC.. he wouldn’t get hurt. Letting out a bitter chuckle, for the first time since they knew one another XY showed his cunning, dark, sadistic side that was only there for his own sake. Saying line’s such as

,,Oh yeh? Why should I? It’s not like I care. I never gave a damn about this foolish club of yours. Do you actually enjoy playing the idiot here for free without getting shit in return? You really don’t get that people are just using you do you?”

,,A-Yang.. the one who’s been using me all this time has been you, isn’t that the truth? From the first day on, you’re treating me like a fool that can’t see while I’m anything but blind. Even right now you’re trying to blind me and yourself from seeing who the actual fool is.. I might be the one getting used, but being the one using someone else’s honest care for you until you notice that it scares you to death that they might turn you down or actually care.. I might be getting used, but I at least know who I am, I am not a pathetic person that runs and runs and avoids while acting as if I don’t care or hurt from the things I bring onto myself and others. It’s pathetic and sad how hard you’re trying to fool yourself into believing you don’t care out of fear of admitting that you do because you are nothing but a scared child that likes to play tough.”

,,There’s so much bullshit coming out of your mouth, you should wash it out before you try to talk to me again.”

,,Don’t worry. I won’t. I will talk to the teacher today still and let them sign you over to another club. I do not wish to see you again here, and if you see me.. Don’t forget that I’m blind, deaf and an idiot that is talking nothing but bullshit so don’t waste your time talking to me.”

,,Fine with me.”

XY simply replied, watching XXC leave without even taking a last look at him.

XY grabbed his belongings shortly after, bag thrown over his shoulder as he exited the school that wasn’t lit up by the many lights anymore. To his surprise there was snow falling, even though none had ever been supposed to fall that day..

Staring up at the sky, a thought crossed XY’s mind as he felt a more fluid, less cold liquid run over his face.

The weather perfectly resembled the current state of his soul. He was frozen on the inside, tiny pieces falling off and down from the protective layer of ice he had build around his heart.. like the snowflakes that were sinking to the ground in front of him, just that on his inside it wasn’t such a beautiful sight, even though a lot more breathtaking.

He had wanted to play with XXC so much and was so sure of himself and XXC’s forgiveness and patience that the fact that at the end XXC was the one to push him away, talk to him like that.. It had never even crossed his mind & now it was too late and XXC was gone and at least around as broken thanks to his actions as he was. Not in a million years had XY imagined that he actually had enough power to shatter XXC while all he tried was to keep himself together.

XY ends up sitting down on the stairs that lead inside of the school, his face in his hands,.. for once he’s actually regretting the choice he made in his life right there and then, that the argument happened, that he was how he was and actually.. honestly.. always had hurt himself with that behaviour so far as well.

-

From there on it can go a lot of ways:

XY can go back and find that XXC doesn’t return, he prepares the dish he was supposed to prepare perfectly and then leaves - XXC finds the dish then.

XY keeps asking someone from the club what they cook and leaves the meal on his former place each time XXC goes out to throw away the trash after all others are gone already

XY keeps his scores up but also his distance to XXC until the event and he shows up relatively well dressed to bring the dish he was supposed to make

XY can go back in & wait to apologise

XXC can find XY

Either doesn’t attend school for several days and the other goes looking for them

XY might even leave the school & XXC tries to get him to come back, only then realising how bad of a situation XY is actually in

A lot of ways to go in. I tried to leave it rather open about whether or not it’s meant as a romantically involved ship but it kinda went into that direction in my mind.

[xaziroot]

A star, in a sea of darkness.

This is going to be a long one so strap in for the ride. It's going to get real too. I was prompted to write this by my psychologist and complied, I've learnt copious amounts in these past few years and this could help anyone in a similar situation. Gender and mental health talks. This is like a letter to myself and some documentation on things I've had happen.

Some background on me:

I'm Alex, 18, and my main condition is 17β-Hydroxysteroid dehydrogenase deficiency. A condition which impairs sexual development inside and outside the womb. I'm biologically male with XY chromosomes and basically a dick. I'm not trans though before I could have been classed it when not in line with my biological sex. Intersex is what I am. A decision to raise me as female was made and this is the fallout of it all and what I've done after. This is my mental decline and struggling with myself as a human being.

Fights, football and falling out of trees:

I've been going to Great Ormond Street Hospital since the age of 2 and been in psychology since 9. I'm now 18. We're entering the latter part of a decade now, I've had people tell me I'm special but at the same time "a normal kid". But which kid? What was normal? Where did these guidelines come from?

From a young age I knew something was different about me compared to the girls I was lumped into. You oft assume children don't know what they're talking about when it comes to themselves, but I’ve found this to be evidently the wrong mindset. I looked completely different to girls and had a totally different mindset - I was hairier than them, naturally more aggressive and headstrong, liked to do all the stereotypically male stuff; football, fights, falling out of trees the list goes on.

Kids are shit, let's get that out of the way. I remember being taunted with the words gorilla and baboon by family friend’s sons, they pointed at my arms and made remarks like “that's ugly” and “only boys have that”. It did also slightly terrify them so I chased them round with my arms and legs in plain view. I laughed but it really did hurt. This was one of the first times I felt inordinately uncomfortable with my body and myself as a person. I was 5. I continued with laughing at my own pain and not dealing with it for years.

Feelings of not belonging from a young age were ever present and I honestly toiled with my image. I vividly recall in my first psychology session, I was asked what I thought I was. Without hesitation, I stated a boy trapped in a girl’s body. The premise of being a boy completely petrified me however. I was always a tomboy esc child, short hair, loud, wouldn’t mind getting into fights, its goes on. I was certainly a handful and a half.

Condition/Puberty :

My condition means I make zero sex hormone which regulates moods, bone density and one of the most important factors; puberty. A gonadectomy was performed when I was 3 to remove what were my cancerous testes at the time. The fear was if I was to leave these in, when something doesn’t work correctly, it oft turns cancerous. I still think this is horseshit and they should have left them in. (Gonads are what turn into ovaries or testes in every human being when forming inside your mother)

No gonads mean minimal to no sex hormone. I was continually told I needed to take tablets, injections or patches to go through puberty. This onus to medication created this image of I was a freak in my mind. I wasn’t normal and wasn’t a real person. I was but a broken husk of a person. My body nor my mind felt right. To counter this, puberty was induced by a motley of oestrogen based tablets and patches. I absolutely resented these.

Growing up in a conservative east Asian household, I succumbed to the will of my parents and what they wished with no regards or free thoughts of my own wellness. They willed for me to be a girl and that’s what I did. Muted, I got on with life for a few years still feeling horrifically uncomfortable with myself. I scrolled through the internet and browsed through pages upon pages on my condition, further feeling alienated with myself, until I stumbled upon a site which showed, gender wasn’t all black and white.

I scuttled to call my psychologist and let her know the good news. “I IDENTIFY AS A DEMI-GUY!!” She quickly congratulated me and I spoke to her on the spectrum of gender and how it was rather than black and white; a rainbow. Always more masculine and more of an androgynously presented female. Woefully this wasn’t to last. This was around the time I lost a rock in my life; my older brother. I had a younger brother to whom I had always acted like an older brother too, rather than a sister. I also felt I had to step up as the elder male in the family, yet my family considered me nothing of the sort.

They continually told me, stop this mess, you’re a girl get over it. I forcibly resented them and pushed and yelled and fought my way around saying no the fuck I’m not. They tried to make me do typical girl things, wear girl clothes and the like. I had none of it. My sisters, constantly told me, this was but a phase, when I grow up I’ll grow out of this. I’ll be a girl one day. I told them I would rather die. I felt like I would rather die. I had no place in this world.

Boys don’t cry and girls don’t force out their emotions. But, in a family where you’re considered neither, what do you do? How do you cope? I had my mother nor father to speak to, as they said this was all a phase and I was to grow out of it soon. I remember the week before my 15th birthday, I was in the car going to the supermarket with my mum and I yelled, I don’t want to be a girl, I’m not a girl and I want to be a boy. Why am I not normal? Why was I born this way? I don’t want to be alive anymore.

She broke crying saying no one would love me if I did, I wouldn’t be a normal boy and nothing I would do could really work. Well I wasn’t a normal girl so what do I do? I was pushed to the side lines I noticed and my parents focused more of their attention to my younger brother. When I struggled with depression they just pawned it off saying it’s your fault. When my younger brother was diagnosed they rushed to be with him, doing everything for him and stating how I wasn’t a great influence. By 16 I had been diagnosed with chronic depression and anxiety along with borderline personality disorder. This was the real start of my downfall mentally.

College and later:

At college, I still struggled with who I wished to be presented as. I said I wanted to change my name and asked everyone to refer to me as Alex. A typically androgynous name, and could be used to refer to both a female and male. I made who I call my best friends now and got into art. I was extremely aggressive towards myself and others. Destructive behaviour was normal, I broke my hands, ripped my knuckles open, tore my skin open with glass shards, razor blades and anything sharp I could get my hands on. The scars of these still run deep on my skin. I had no idea how to cope with myself and others mentally.

My first best friends, absolute nerds like myself. One drew, the others played D&D and got me into it. We wasted hours on end, playing our characters. My character, a weretiger dwarf with god like strength. I had never had so much fun or felt like I was part of something. For some reason, I ended up hating this when it was pointed out, I immediately felt sick and distraught and panicked at hearing it.

By this point I had been off hormone for a few years which was really starting to take its toll on me. I had violent mood swings swinging from angry to happy to sadness within the frame of a few minutes. I hated everything and everyone, feeling as if the world was against me and nothing good was forecast for me.

It was around this time I decided I needed an outlet to pool all my energy into. My psychologist suggested the gym but ultimately, I went for art and drawing. I started seriously drawing in January of 2016. It was the end of my first year in college, summer was here and I decided to really knuckle down on art and get serious. I scrolled through my Instagram and the limited artists I followed. I found a drawing by an artist which left me dumbfounded. It was the coolest thing I had seen ever. I started to speak to this artist who we’ll name Manny for the time. Manny was the kindest, most accepting human being I’d ever met to that point and still, to this day, I hold as the biggest influence in my life.

Manny had been through a lot themselves, neither of our lives, exactly peachy. But they were obviously doing better than myself, something I couldn’t see. Years of mental neglect and struggle flooded out of the gates and I put more pressure on Manny than thought. I had no idea how to cope, I pawned everything bad onto others whom I spoke to, blamed myself for everything and was a glowing disorder of negativity and hatred. Come to the end of the year and Manny had ended up becoming my first S/O. This time, though plagued with issues, was easily the happiest and simplest time of my life. Friends, someone who loved me, a job and a roof over my head, I was on track to be in the worst place mentally ever.

Manny was unrelenting in saying how much I meant to them. This was the first time I had ever felt wanted and needed in my life. The feeling of belonging and genuine appreciation for my existence was something I had never had before. This lasted for a few months until they called it off. I understood but didn’t at the same time. But I accepted it and let it happen. I was sick for a week after this. Lovesickness is a thing and so is heartbreak. Coupled with my brutal mood swings, I grappled and competed with myself and further chipped away at the little self-worth I had. Oddly this affected me for months to come.

Now looking back, neither of us was in a place to be together but I’m glad I did it. I had no idea the sheer joy someone can bring you, the feeling of wanting to be better for them and everything about them. You love their little mannerisms, their little jokes absolutely everything. Nothing feels wrong and you feel nothing can bring you down. Though I had no clue how to cope at the time, this gave me my first taste of what affection is like. You learn what you can cope with and what you can’t.

It was around this time, I was coming to final talks on who I wanted to be.

I had enough. Years of feeling neglected, and feeling chipped away at had taken their toll. It’s odd, you think the small things don’t hurt as much but they really hurt the most. Being called she dozens of times a day, I pawned off but this ultimately hurt me the most. I still struggled with seeing my worth as a human being, still feeling broken. You would be surprised at how much having minimal sexual hormone really does affect you. I couldn’t see the worth in living often and blocked myself in my room and wanted to wither away. I tried overdosing, bleed outs and trying to starve myself into a coma. I once didn’t eat for 2 weeks.

Family constantly still said, get out of your phase now, it’s not real you’ll not be a real boy. But I started Testosterone in December of 2016 against everyone’s wishes. Within a few months, my voice had broken, I was far more muscular, acne to shit and loads more which arrives with the wheel of puberty. I felt a feeling of belonging in my body which I didn’t previously. I still didn’t feel right for months to come until now, November of 2017.

I did a 180 and really started to work on myself. I started going to gym, losing weight, growing my hair out and spoke to my psychologist more on how I could accept myself. It’s tough, when you feel everything is on a fundamental level, wrong. One thing I was told to do was go to a mirror, look at myself and tell myself I love you. The first time I did this, I looked at myself, became so enraged and punched the mirror. I went to work at a networking company 9 - 5 and separated from my college friends, 15 miles away in a different town. I slowly moved away from my friends and Manny themselves said they didn’t want to speak to me anymore. Spending time in hospital with skin issues was more a blessing than a curse.

You’d think losing my best friends, would rip me apart but I felt nothing. I spoke to my psychologist and asked her, was I broken? Why did I struggle to feel anything? Even today, I still toil with my emotions. I don’t have the fix for this now man, but work at it. Gain your friends respect back. Not their approval. You value them as people and not the need to be wanted.

But I’ve come to accept myself more. Now, this may be extremely trivial but I like my face. I think I’m cute. I look fucking beautiful with long hair. Me this time last year, was 180 the other direction, hating myself so much I was tearing my skin apart and wanting to be dead. But I’m happy I’ve lived through it. Bro you’re bomb af and I’m so proud of you. You’re not 100% right now but holy fuck you’re cute.

I’ve learnt a lot in the past few years, but if I went back in time to speak to myself, I would say:

Don’t underestimate yourself.

I’ve had experiences and emotions many people don’t feel during any time in their life. This was something I was told for 4 straight years, month after month. My psychologist continually spoke about how monumental the things I’ve had to deal with are, continually putting others before myself and never caring about how I felt.

Don’t neglect yourself, mentally nor physically.

You might not see it now, but fuck you’re amazing man. You’ve soldiered through shit keeping everything else on top of your shoulders. Your body might not be perfect, but you can work on it. Don’t keep taking it out on yourself. It’s ok. You need to yell, scream, should, punch, kick? Go for it. Cope, don’t feel bad for being by yourself a lot and just wondering round.

Don’t pressure your friends.

A difficult one I will admit since you have no idea how to cope yourself. But in time, you learn. Things you shouldn’t do, things you can do. Friends are friends man! Not psychologists. Love them, appreciate them, don’t be afraid to tell them you love them. They’re there for you and oft family. Don’t offload to them constantly and scare them off. If you struggle, they struggle.

Love yourself.

You’re more than good enough to be alive. Your legs may hurt, your insides might not work perfectly and there’s no more of you but you’re breathing, competent and can love. It’s okay dude! I love you now. I’m what’s basically your older brother, with all experiences. Your dark chocolate eyes, soft flowing brunette hair and pale skin is all good! Your spider hands are cool af and you sound like a 36-year-old man. I’m proud of you kid. So are friends. People who stuck up for you in secondary school are proud you’re becoming the person you’ve wanted to be.

Life is a rollercoaster.

It’s never always going to be sunshine and daisies. It’s a ride with a set number of seats. People come and go but if you think people are worth keeping, you strive to improve yourself. Earn their respect and make sure they’re people whose respect means something to you. Take heed of friend’s words, they have experiences you don’t and may know about something better.

Real family isn’t perfect no matter what you’ve come to believe.

At times, they care when they need something and could toss you aside when they don’t. But don’t worry. Don’t take what Dad or Mum say to heart. They care, in the crudest sense possible. Your sisters, are still a grey area. They’ll still refuse to call you by your name but take it in your stride and like water off a duck’s back. Don’t panic it will pan out in time. They’re just scared for you but show them, you’ve got it down. Don’t rush to gain their approval it’s honestly not worth jack.

You won’t improve your character overnight.

As heart breaking as it is and how you want to see progress there and then, chip away at it. Do little bits and do what you can and change does happen. You’re not perfect and people may suggest things, you’ll not get it right first time, second nor the third. But keep at it. You might go completely the wrong way but attempt it.

You cannot help everyone.

Often its better to remain quiet man.

We all cope in different ways.

Pain is relative. Do not compare yourself to others. You might be able to be hit by a car but a gash is worse for the other person. Nothing is a competition. You may be hit constantly with bad news but take it as it comes and deal with it. Don’t go comparing your pain to others, it’s bad news.

Illness isn’t the end of the world.

Don’t panic or come to believe it’s the end of it all. Won’t lie, you have potential osteoporosis on the way and your nerve damage gets worse but take it as it comes. You’re still ok. You find methods to cope with it.

Finally man, you're growing up and smashing norms within our culture. You've even been called a pretty boy twice. Life moves in mysterious big guy.

Anyone wants to speak to me about anything, transitioning, changes, coping anything, send me a message. I’m not perfect but I'll really try and help you.

[fanficintraining]

Justice in debts, part I

Word count: 7k+ overall (Woops!)

Part I: 1,8K

Warnings: nothing bad, really. Language, tiny amount of angst, fluff if you squint your eyes, sadness, insecurity (Reader)

Pairing: CasxFemaleReader; Sam and Dean/ Reader friendship

Summary: It’s just another regular day at Readers job when she gets caught in the middle of the hunt that the brothers are working. Sam and Dean along with Castiel underrated monsters they were hunting and things start to go sideways for them. Reader, who hates changing anything in her life, hardly finds comfort in new surroundings. As time passes by, she gets used to it though, and can’t imagine another way of life. And for a good, unspoken reason everybody knows about by the time she fully realizes it.

Requests:

Can you please write something short where reader is placed in hunter’s life against her will? Maybe she does something awesome and boys eventually want her as sidekick hunter? Pairing is whatever to me, but it would be nice to include some cute romantic Castiel- reader with Cass supressing his emotions. Also, I think Cass giving in to his vessels lusts and needs is hot! Maybe some chatty bonding scenes with Dean or Sam! Thank you! xx

~~

Since you writing XY/Castiel anyway could you please do insecure main character and complicated angst with death invovled?

~~

Well anon and anon I’ll try do it to the best of my abilities. Since I got few similar requests I’ll make it over 1k. Probably 5k words give or take, so everybody’s satisfied and happy. I’ll see how it goes along the way.

Ps: even before I read about Castiel giving in to his carnality, I knew I want to write it in, cause it’s not completely out of character and it’s less obvious than Dean having sex. Again. Oh, and I have no idea if you, second anon, meant death or Death so I’ll improvise!

One more thing: some scenes will be sad and angsty. I was deep down in the dumps lately and I’ve been writing on my “better” days but still, you get the vibe.

I’ll make it 5-6 part.

***

Your first instinct, of course, was to hide. But where the hell do you hide when your one availible way of escape is out? The only door currently in your reach-  blocked. You could swear you left it wide open. Not to mention this door has no lock and yet, somehow it is slammed tight. One thought was bouncing up and down in your head as you hopped under the counter: Why the hell weird shit has to go down on MY shift, god damn it!

This thought however, was quickly gone.

Since a grown man was thrown at the wall opposite to you next to your hiding place, your brain decided to go blank. You felt sudden rush of energy going through you, which obviously was your body reacting to stress. You probably read about it somewhere. Fight or run for your life moment, or something. Shivers running down your spine and muscles tightening in a single spazm- really uncomfortable feeling you hoped never to experience again after you finally got out of school.

You dared to look to your right where the man landed. He  was trying to get up from the floor, slowly rising himself up with a grimace of pain showing up on his face. You noticed a pink patch of skin on his chin. It already started to show some swelling. He had a split lip and when he finally stood up, grunting, he was limping. He barely shot a glance towards you. Going straight back into the fight that was going on in the middle of a hotel restaurant, he kicked a chair leg your way, not looking at you again. You heard a loud thump and a shriek followed, and then you heard low, gravely voice shouting

“Sammy, blade! Get the blade, NOW!”

You looked down at the chair leg and reached for it but you were cut off when something hit the counter cracking it in half at the impact, sending rain of glass and plastic all over your head. You gasped and fell flat on your face, the hit on the counter so strong it knocked air out of your lungs. Someone scratched over the remains of the counter, probably trying to stand up, but failed to do so. There was a short, metalic cling and a slow, heavy sound of something sliding down. You started crawling in the direction of it in hopes of finding something to defend yourself with. Just in case.

The view in front of your eyes was unpleasant.

Most of furniture flipped upside down or in pieces. Blood here and there, shattered glass on the floor. Bullet holes in the walls. Bodies laying around, customers, coworkers, and these… Things.

And right next to you, man lying on his back, trying to hold on to one of the tables, heaving like he just crossed a finish line of a marathon run. His right hand blindly searched for something in urgent, hectic moves. You recognized this man. Hard to forget a guy appearing out of nowhere in mere split seconds right in front of your very eyes. His face was covered with blood slowly dripping from his most likely broken nose. Huge cut on his forehead looked equally bad. When his eyes didn’t roll back into his skull in confusion, they were fixed on something in front of him. It was hard for you to see what it was because of all the dust in the air and flickering lights, but as it was getting closer, the guy’s moves got more lost and panicky.

Your heart almost flat out stopped upon hearing high pitched screeching directly above your head. You jumped for the closest object you considered useful when the light uncoverd it for you by sending bright shining reflection to your eyes. You grabbed it with your hand and went back ready to defend yourself, when you understood that this monstrosity was charging right at the man, not you. It was an impulse you could not control. You threw yourself in front of the man and you could swear you saw his eyes glow bright blue light, but you couldn’t be sure, because suddenly you felt sharp pain and everything went dark for you. Last thing you registered before passing out was this sound, like a kite fluttering in the wind.

***

You go back to consciousness with a whopping headache, and from the moment you can feel something again, first thing that hits hard apart from your bursting head is nausea, weir knot unwinding in your stomach. Almost immediately you break out in a cold sweat and try to hold yourself back from vomiting. You can hear two sets of footsteps approaching, and a heavy breathing right next to you

“Cas, you alright?” asked the same voice who so kindly offered you a chair leg as means of defence before “Yes, Dean. I am, as you say… Peachy” answered a deep, hoarse voice, with a slight note of mockery in it. It was followed by short silence "What the hell happened up there?” asked the chair man “I was fighting 5 of them, Dean. Don’t blame me for something I had close to no control over” the second man answered with clear reproach in his voice “Who is this?” asked a third voice “and what is THAT?”

“It is a human being” he answered shortly “Female, to be precise. I do not know her name. But we will know soon, as she is awake”

Your body flinched involuntarily before you could even try to stop it. There was a tense silence between three men when you reluctantly opened your eyes. Man closest to you was the unlucky one who hit your counter. Oddly enough, there was nothing left from injuries visible what you assumed was moments ago. Only staines of blood on his clothes proved the existance of wounds he received before. You blinked a few times to make sure it’s not your eyes cheating you because of shock, but nothing changed. The other two men were standing next to each other. Both tall, dirty, a little bloody and totally ragged. You sat up but didn’t say a word. Taller guy looked at you with a shadow of sympathy behind his eyes. The other one, covered in mud and blood from shoulders to boots, scanned you top to bottom. His gaze distrustful and tense, same as his whole body language.

“Who are you?” he asked “Dean, give her a break” said the tall one “sorry for him, he’s a little off now because the job was a fail” chair guy scoffed, shook his head and started walking impatiently around “Hi” tall one got closer to you “My name is Sam. This hot headed jerk is my brother, Dean”

“Bitch” he mumbled under his breath in response “Shut up, Dean” he cut his brother out with a little smirk shadowing his lips “And what’s your name?”

You looked over at every one of them, trying to figure out what’s happening, but after that you took a deep breath and responded

"My name is Y/N” your voice was weirdly steady and calm, although your mouth was dry as Sahara desert itself -

“Good, great. Okay, Y/N. Do you know what happened?”

You shook your head and stretched your hands open when you realized you still keep this cold, shiny spike squeezed in your bloody hand.

***

You could hear light footsteps coming from the corridor so you ditched reading for a moment to listen. The footsteps stopped behind your door. You whispered come in and faced the door only to be greeted by fluttering sound of Castiel appearing in the room. It’s been over three months since your workplace incident.

Although you still had a hard time adjusting to your newly acqired knowledge, your learning process started the hard way, so there was that safety bubble of yours gone forever. Just like that, monsters were real. You tried to deal with it like any other person who didn’t escape right away would do. You dived into it head to heel, and also started drinking a lot more.

The brothers, even Dean who was really pesimistic about it at first- insisted you can’t go back just yet. You didn’t understand why. In the line of ‘work’ they all shared, from your point of view you were useless at best. Yeah, of course. Reading books was one thing. But out there? In the heat of the moment? Not that you were even half fast or strong as them. God, you don’t even remember when was the last time you had to run back home.

If that was animal kingdom, you’d be a really mocked and unpopular snail. Not fast, not strong, tiniest amount of movement coordination. Not to mention guns. Big no no. Still couldn’t convince yourself to try it again after first time. It did break first ice with Dean, though. You made him chuckle and he treated you better since then. Other than that you were a decent cook and you were okay with patching them up after intense hunt. If Cas wasn’t around, that is. But let’s be honest, he wasn’t visiting often so you were occupied most of your time.

“Hello, Y/N.”

“Hi, Castiel”  you were in a bad mood. Galloping insomnia and digging through so many books made you cranky; Cas squinted his eyes and tilted his head.

“Am I interrupting you? I see you are alone, but if my companionship is unwelcome, I will be gone, and back in a better time” he said

“It’s okay, just tell me what you want” you looked at his face “I haven’t been sleeping well, that’s all. Whatever. I’ll do what needs to be done” you shrugged carelessly and your eyes went back down to books you were reading. Cas stood still and silent “I ain’t got all day so spill it.”

“Is it because of the events in your restaurant? The day you were brought here?”

“What? Fucked up sleeping schedule?”

“Yes. Amongst many others.”

"What do you think, huh? Spoiler: it’s not my hobby. Although I’ll consider writing it down in my resume” you said half jokingly; he gave you his distinctive, long intense look before answering

“I did not come here for your help, Y/N.”

“So why did you come here then?” you frowned “you barely come, at least in the last three months. Since I’m here. Not so hard to connect the dots here”

He was silent again so you raised your head to see if he’s even still here and you jumped a little, because suddenly he’s inches away from you and he offers his hand to help you stand up. You grunt but accept his help. You can see his jaw clenching as he looks at your confused face.

"Hey, I’m sorry if I’m being bitchy today but…” and that’s all you were able to say before he put his palm on your face and when he barely even touched your skin, the world turned black for you.

~~

That’s it for today folks! That was part I!

Let me know what you think!

[kyberled]

☁ Have you ever forgiven a partner when you shouldn't have?

Salt Meme

As a matter of fact, I have, though thankfully it wasn’t in this fandom, but one I only recently trundled back to, and one from way back that I don’t think I’m ever going to be going back to for a number of reasons.

Oddly enough, this person from the very old fandom wasn’t even a part of the fandom I was in. It was a crossover type thing, and the first crossover I’d ever written. But there was a lot of vagueblogging on her part whenever I did anything they didn’t like. And by that, I mean the dash was flooded with posts saying that ‘this person’ didn’t ship things like they thought they did, TAGGED WITH OUR CHARACTERS, and going on to complain ON THE DASH to her mutuals that ‘some person’ (still tagged with our ship) was making their anxiety and depression worse. My crime? I didn’t have my muse kiss theirs within thirty in-reply minutes (tops; probably less) of them first meeting. I ended up fanmailing them saying it wasn’t that I didn’t ship them, it’s just that I wanted to take it slow, and after that they went back to acting like we were best friends while spamming my inbox with messages about their wedding.

I wish I was joking.

It’s also worth noting that I was a teenager, and the other person was, according to their rules page, in their twenties. This only happened one or two more times before I blocked them, but the more I thought about about it, the more I kind of wished I got out sooner, but at the same time, I’m just glad I got out at all.

The other person was in a bigger fandom, and they were writing with some other people I know and consider friends. They introduced themselves by messaging me right after they followed, saying, ‘Hi, I’m [person I’m still good friends with]’s friend! [They] recommended your blog to me, so I thought I’d say hi! My name’s [name]!” … Or something along that vein. Introduced themselves, added that they’d heard about me from a mutual friend, and that was the last normal conversation I had with them, outside of a few attempts at plotting. 

This person would come into my IMs at odd hours and just complain to me. I didn’t even really know this person’s name, and they would just dump their life problems in the IMs. Like how their best friend was stressed in college, so they were not gonna contact her by their own choice, but now they were sad and missed her and anxious and yeah, I get that that sucks, but I was a complete stranger? And they’d go on and on and I could hardly get a word in edgewise. Whenever I did manage to say anything and try to comfort them or offer advice, they’d shut me down, give lists of reasons why my suggestions wouldn’t work, and go back to complaining at me. This happened literally all of the time, it was all they’d talk to me about. They also really liked hounding me about being agender, too? I’ll give an example of this in a bit.

I feel like I should clarify, here, that I enjoy helping my friends with their problems. I like being a shoulder to cry on. But the emphasis is on ‘my friends’. People I am comfortable with. I would also appreciate some warning? Even just a ‘hey, can I vent to you for a sec?’ at least lets me get in the right mindset to be able to deal with this sort of thing. I got no warning from this person. It’s also nice to talk about something else from time to time? But, no, it was just a constant stream of negativity from them. I’m being completely serious when I say I couldn’t make a single post on either of my blogs without them messaging me. It was actually kind of terrifying, to say the least. Had to start developing a routine based on when they were usually offline to avoid being harassed. 

It didn’t take me too long to consider blocking them, because of the outpouring of negativity, but also because they kept dropping threads without telling me, then talking about how I was ignoring them, to me, and THEN requesting starters and completely ignoring ALL THREE OF THE STARTERS i’D JUST WRITTEN THEM, and THEN saying they were too lazy or kept forgetting to look the starters up? But I was the one who was ignoring them. The day I was first about to block them, they message me about how their friends are all blocking them. I briefly wonder if they’re a telepath. They say, after a very long rant, something along the lines of ‘but at least I have you, Jay. You’d never do that, you’re my best friend. I’m lucky to have you’. And on the one hand, I’m thinking, you know, what the hell, since when were we best friends? And I know that sounds mean, but I’d barely spoken to them, both because they never listened and because I was super uncomfortable talking to them; we barely interacted IC because they kept dropping threads and outright ignoring things I’d write for them; I never made an effort to contact them since the conversation was always focused solely on how bad their life was; We’d only been in contact for a month or two, tops, and it took about a year for Rodi and I (or my irl highschool best friend, Hannah, and I) to get to True BFF Level; Never once did they show any concern for me, or really anyone aside from themselves; Honestly, I’m kind of surprised they even knew my name. But I’m their best friend, apparently, and now of course I feel super guilty, because I was about to block them, and now I was the bad guy.

Oh, and to add on to all this, they forced headcanons on my muse. Once again, I feel like I need to clarify: I love people bouncing headcanons off me. If you think Braig would like XY thing, tell me; If you have an idea of a scenario for our muses together, send me it, I’d love to hear it. I’ll even reblog that ‘tell me your headcanons for my muse’ meme. I love it.

What this person did was different. This person, without asking, conferring with me, or even giving me any warning, they decided my muse was a child abuser. I don’t think I need to elaborate on why that was a bad thing. This went against my headcanons, contradicted canon at some points, and made no sense to me, but apparently my muse was now a child abuser. Eugh.

Oh, and before I give a brief run-down on what finally prompted me to block this person, I feel it’s worth mentioning that when we’d first started talking, I’d just turned eighteen, and they were twenty-one. 

Anyway, so the straw that finally sucker-punched the camel in the jaw was when they messaged me after A Day. I was tired, hungry, had been in class all morning and in line at the campus book store for half an hour, and my arms were loaded down with textbooks. I was sort of struggling through tumblr for something to do, but typing was pretty hard. This person swings into my IMs and starts a suspiciously normal conversation - Actually asks me about school, what my major is, etc etc. I’m giving one-word replies for the most part, both because I’m not in the most social mood (and I’m not comfortable with this person to begin with), and because I don’t have the hands free to type long sentences anyway. But I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, this person has turned over a new leaf. Maybe I was right for giving them so many chances. And then, in the middle of the conversation, zero warning, they say:

“Are you out to your family, yet?”

And I’m just stunned. I had no idea how to respond. After a minute or more of me just staring, not answering, they add, ‘can I ask that?’, and I had no idea what to say in return aside from something like ‘no, I’m not, and I don’t know if I ever will be’, hoping to end the conversation. This person then starts complaining at me for not being out, because they wanted help with getting their family to remember their pronouns. I offered some suggestions anyways, those were all ignored, and out came more rants about how terrible their life was. 

I blocked them not long after, after speaking to two close friends who agreed that I probably should’ve done so earlier.

So, yeah, those are the two instances that come to mind. I’m a bit more careful with who I chill with, now, and I’ve learned to be pretty blunt when shutting this stuff down, so it hasn’t happened since. \o/

[mysticdelphox97]

Ala&Mano right back at you :)

You got it Tiia! :D

This is actually pretty long so answers are under the cut

Alain

Sexuality: Hmmm,good question. I think I’m leaning more towards him being demisexual/demiromantic,because he seems more like the kind of person who experiences attraction topeople that he has a strong relationship with. Of course, he could also easilypass as being asexual/aromantic, so I’m not too picky about what his sexualidentity could be lol.

Gender: cis male

A ship I have withsaid character: Hmmm I wonder what it could possibly be…? Lol jk, it’sgoing to forever be MarissonShipping

A friendship I havewith said character: Alain and Mairin’s friendship is so important to me ohmy gosh T^T. There’s also his friendship with Ash that I liked a lot, and thefather/son relationship between him and Papa Sycamore!

A NOTP I have withsaid character: IncombustibleShipping (Alain & Steven Stone) and BurningFlameShipping(Alain & Lysandre). I just… don’t see the appeal for Incombustible. And Inever picked up on any “flirting” that Steven was supposedly direction towardsAlain. As far as I saw, he was just being a gentleman and professional.BurningFlame obviously goes without saying much… it’s way too toxic and I hateLysandre for how he manipulated Alain.

A random headcanon:Okay, here’s one: Alain and Emma (from the XY Looker side quest) are halfsiblings. They have the same father but different mothers.

General opinion: Alainis my son and he doesn’t deserve all the hate that he gets, just because he wonthe Kalos League and was an unwilling pawn to Lysandre. Honestly guys he’s been through enough.

Mairin

Sexuality: I feellike Pansexual would be a good fit for her!

Gender: for themost part cis female, but I can also see her as nonbinary while using she/herpronouns, or even trans female!

A ship I have withsaid character: MarissonShipping, of course!

A friendship I havewith said character: Like I said before, her friendship with Alain is superimportant to me ;w;. But I also adore her interactions with the Kalos quartet (bigsister Serena is so sweet aahhh (sorry Tiia)) and with Shauna, Trevor, andTierno. And I love how Steven looks out for her!

A NOTP I have withsaid character: tbh I haven’t really seen her paired up with anyone elseother than Alain. Well, maybe except Serena, but I don’t hate that shipentirely. I just prefer MarissonShipping a lot more lol.

A random headcanon:Well, here’s a little something I’ve been mulling over for a while: As Mairinand Alain are travelling in the Hoenn region so she can challenge the HoennLeague, they meet a strong trainer from Unova by the name of Hilda. She is alsotaking on the Hoenn League to test out the power of the Mega Stone she acquiredfor her Samurott to Mega Evolve. After the League is over, Mairin expresses aninterest to see Unova, and Hilda offers to take her there to explore theregion. However, this means that she and Alain would end up going theirseparate ways, since Alain was planning on starting his studies as a Pokémon Professor.After talking it over, they agree to walk their own paths, but they’ll alwaysstay connected to each other. With a tearful goodbye, Mairin goes with Hilda toUnova, while Alain stayed in Lumiose City with Professor Sycamore.

Okay that was kind of long lmao. One day I’ll write a proper headcanon post about that.

General opinion: Mairinis my sunshine daughter and she deserved a bigger role in XY&Z than justbeing on the sidelines while everyone else got to do something.

[sarahinzhuhai-blog]

Arriving in 珠海： Culture Shock, Awesome Host Family and 生病

(note: this was supposed to be posted 6/24 Zhuhai time but I'm bad) Two days ago was really, really rough. We saw HK and it was absolutely gorgeous, but after we took the ferry and I felt seasick, the downhill tumble began. I'm not going to talk about it much, but for the entire second half of the day I seriously hated everything and wanted nothing more than to go home. It was a combination of having gotten very little sleep (in HK, I went to bed at 12am and then woke up at 1, 2, 3 and 4 and then couldn't sleep again), constantly traveling and differences in surroundings--there's a smell that is everywhere here and even though BNUZ is fairly new, the buildings are a lot more run down (and in big cities in general, which I am already not used to, are a lot dirtier and have a sad feeling to them)--that made me feel terrible. I'm not sure why these random things got to me so much, but they did. I'll leave it at that; it was bad. Now that we're all at host families, everyone else is having some emotional difficulties, but for me the worst part of this whole trip so far was the time before meeting families. I truly felt a sense of deep despair and it was very discouraging. // Yesterday was amazing--started out rough because again woke up at 4 and couldn't sleep, worried I would still feel as bad as yesterday. Ate a good breakfast (complete with piping hot water)--包子，馒头 （sweet steamed bread, super good), watermelon, noodles, some sort of leafy green, etc. Some kids went running, I did NOT. // After that we took a campus tour via ecart. Campus is very green with a lot of water. Apparently BNUZ was created about 15 (or 50? I think 15) years ago...it doesn't look like that though. They do renovation differently than in America. Our "tour guide", Emily, is a student at BNUZ and is going to be one of the program language partners (students who are paired w us and eat with us, help us learn Chinese, hang out with us and guide us around campus, etc--most of them are majoring in teaching Chinese as a second language). Emily seemed super cool! //After the tour, I was still in a depressed/bad/I-don't-know-how-to-describe mood and that continued throughout the orientation. We were given bus cards, more info about surviving in Zhuhai, etc. Interesting thing: apparently, part of the reason for drying clothes in the sun instead of a dryer is because there is a cultural belief that the sunshine disinfects. After orientation, we are even more, I got nice and full, and then just an hour later it was time for lunch 😂 I am eating so much here, it's crazy. // Lunch was the turning point for me...my mood went from terrible to great. We went to the canteen and it was so big. There are dozens of windows, each selling different foods. I bought pork dumplings (our Chinese conversation was "8$ dumplings please *frantic pointing* pork? Meat...type? Pork? Ok") and XY didn't want her boba tea, so she gave it to me. I ate lunch with everyone but mainly talked to Grace (Sihong's daughter, who is our age and studies in the US and is AWESOME ), Queen Isabel, XY and...Reyna? I can't remember who XY was sharing with. Anyways, that was so much fun! Then we went to the supermarket on campus and me, Lexi and Maggie (the kpop crew) found a bunch of ads with Lu Han (see OPI post) and another kpop guy on them--I took pictures. My mood at this point had dramatically increased. We headed back to the dorms, packed and went back to the meeting room. // Then they told us we had to prepare a little performance for the opening ceremony. We decided to sing "对不起，我的中文不好” ("Sorry, my Chinese is bad"). Before, we had to give a little introduction so the group voted me to say (in Chinese): "Thank you for welcoming us to Zhuhai. Before we sing, we will quickly introduce ourselves. I'm ..." I was really excited to get to do that // Apparently, opening ceremonies are a big thing here that they like to do before every program that comes. I wasn't expecting much but it was the coolest thing ever. First, several PhDs gave speeches and then, after we introduced ourselves and sang our little song, the students performed. It was amazing. They did dance (traditional Chinese and a hip hop routine to "Worth It"), played different instruments, did calligraphy, diabolo, kung fu...like Zack said, that blew our dinky little song out of the water. It was amazing!!!! One guy spoke English in a British accent which was really interesting to me: I never really think about it but we learn from our teachers' accents, so of course people learning English might have a British or Southern accent, just like how I speak in the white-person-who l-learned-from-a-teacher-from-Beijing accent. // Afterwards, I thanked some of the performers and met a few of the language partners for other people. We all took a picture together, and then it was time for the placement tests. // I was super nervous as we waited (and hyped because the performance was so awesome), but I calmed down eventually because we were just chilling outside on a balcony area. Then Maya and I got to talking about dance and did some pirouettes...that's when I forgot my phone was in my pocket and then it took flight and cracked. That was a real mood killer. // Then it was time for the test. Before we went in, we waited with two of the TAs. They were so nice! We talked in Chinese and English and they told me they thought I was the best and would do fine and to not be nervous. They were so sweet!!! Then it was time for the test: first it was just some conversation with three of the teachers. I know I made some grammar mistakes but I think it went well--we talked about where my name came from, the weather, my city, etc. Then the writing section--I had just relearned the characters because someone else had to write them in their test and told us about it, so I guess that's not really fair but oh well. I basically knew them before (sans a few radicals) so it's fine. Then they said two sentences and asked me if I understood them. The first one , I did NOT-the first and last words yes, but the middle part no way. The second one, I understood everything but the last word (which was a key part of the phrase lol). Then I thanked them and left. I talked to the TAs some more (they said that if I make it to the highest level I'll be in their class...I hope that's the case but I'm not sure I did well enough) and then went back outside. Then Richa and I walked back to the hotel and talked about what was making each of us have a hard time. That was the first time I opened up about what specifically was giving me a hard time here, so that was nice. Then, we met our host families! My mom came to pick me up, we took a picture together, and off we went. // Our first stop was the police station to register me. On the way I told her about my school, my classes, activities, other languages, etc, and then at the police station she was bragging about me to the officers 😂 Not gonna lie, that was kinda nice (I was also pretty proud that I could understand some of what was going on). // After the police station, we went to pick up my little sister from school! She was really happy to see me! Then we dropped her off at a birthday party (where some kid yelled "GUYS, THERES A FOREIGNER" in Chinese to all the other kids--this is pretty typical and I have already gotten used to getting stared at) and my mom took me to fix my screen (! I was only expecting to buy a screen protector so I didn't cut myself on the glass but she insisted we switch out the screen). Then, while we waited, we went and got fresh squeezed orange-pear juice at this shop and ate some dinner-pork pieces with some sort of green vegetable and rice. I've been feeling kind of sick (to be expected), so I couldn't finish it. Then we went to the supermarket and got fruit, milk, a cup to brush my teeth, etc. Then I realized I had to go the bathroom- I wouldn't write about that but public bathrooms are an experience here. They are squatty potties, but there's usually no TP and no soap. But I had forgotten to bring tissues (rookie mistake) so my mom sent me back into the store to get some. When I went in, someone asked me "are you a foreigner?" (你是外国人吗？）, and I was like ...yeah I'm American. Later I told my mom about it and was like "of course I'm a foreigner" and she thought that was pretty funny. // On the walk back, we bought some croissant-y bread with red bean for breakfast and picked up the phone. Then we got 笑笑（that's my little sisters nickname) from the party and my mom bragged about me again to the moms at the party. They gave me a slice of cake (which was really good! It had mango and...tomato? I was a little confused) and then we headed home. // Home is so nice! I'm so lucky--almost everyone else seems to be having some problems with their family but mines great (except that I can't understand my dads accent yet). My room is basically bigger than my room at home, and it has a piano in it! 笑笑 played piano for me and then I played for them. My mom videoed the fat part of the Rachmaninoff and put it on her WeChat moments (kind of like Facebook). Then I showered and hung out, and went to bed. I felt so so so much better mentally, but now I'm dealing with some stomach problems--that's okay! // Today I woke up first at 6 and then at 9. My sister went to sports school for swim already, so I was just chillin with 妈妈and爸爸。I had some breakfast (since I'm feeling sick, I'm literally never hungry, but they keep giving me food)-杨梅（yángméi-bayberries). Then I watched TV for like 10 minutes, was really confused, and then my mom said we could go for a walk in the mountain that is literally right next to our apartment building. I was going to wear bug spray and sunscreen and bring water and everything else, and she was like no! You don't need to! Just bring an umbrella and if you keep walking the mosquitos won't get you. That was inaccurate. // The mountain was absolutely gorgeous!!! Lush, full of plants and butterflies. There was this really pretty walkway with little stones with all the zodiac animals on them. We went over a little river, up and down, etc. Then we walked through the apartment complex. We watched some ladies do dancing in a little plaza (and my mom taught my how to swing my umbrella around my legs to keep bugs away), and then we kept walking. She showed me the pool, the bus stops and how to get home from the stops. // At this point I was dripping in sweat. We're talking soaked through my shirt. We went to pick up 笑笑 from the sports school and she commented that my shirt was very wet. Lol// We went for lunch and again, I was still not hungry but still ate--milk tea and beef noodles. While we were eating, some guy came in and starting yelling and then one of the waitresses yelled "你有病吗？” (which is like "are you insane?" But it's very satisfying to say)...very interesting debacle. After lunch, we went home (my mom made me show her that I could find the house), my stomach problems continued, and we figured out how to use the bus system to get to school. // at my sisters piano lesson, I listened for a bit but I was having stomach problems so bad that I had to curl up in the fetal position. At the end, her teacher had me play for her. Then she said that I might be able to play in a recital that she's going to have in a few weeks. I'm not really sure what exactly happened there. We also talked about finding a balance between feeling and technique, she was very complimentary and I really appreciated her kind words. // after, on the way home, I tried to ask my host family if I could have some broth. That was our first major communication issue. I did not know the word, and all my attempts to explain failed. However, in the end, we managed to work it out (Queen Isabel helped). I had my broth and bananas for dinner, and took some medicine. Then it was time for calligraphy. // Calligraphy class was so fun but omg, it was so uncomfortable. All the little kids just STARED, and none of them could understand my American accent except for my sister and the teacher. 很糟糕！At first, the teacher had me try to write. That was absolutely disastrous: I haven't done calligraphy in a long time, the brush had too much ink, and my hands were shaking. This was very amusing for everyone else. So, over the course of the class, my sister help me since I couldn't understand any of the things anybody was saying because I don't know any calligraphy words, and I made some big improvements. I don't think I ever got used to all the kids staring at me and saying "wow, a foreigner". Also, since a lot of the kids are speaking very quietly, I couldn't really understand what they were saying either. All in all, I think they thought that my Chinese was a disaster. And it was very embarrassing. However, at the end, one of the little girls gave me a pack of seaweed, so I guess she didn't dislike me. Anyways, that experience made me so uncomfortable: I was expecting to get stared at but the cultural expectations are just so different from what I'm used to...I talked to 笑笑 after about how in America, it's considered rude to stare and especially not at foreigners and how different it is here. // At home, 笑笑 and I goofed around for like two hours and sort of neglected her English homework. I showed them some ballet and Basque dance, we talked a lot, etc. I'm so grateful for my family's patience with me as I have to look up every word and constantly ask them to explain things in different ways. //Observations for the day: 1) I'm very surprised at how open my host family is with me (in terms of clothes or lack thereof work around the house) considering we've only known each other for 24 hours. 2) Squatty potties are awesome and maybe I'll post later about why 3) in case anyone's wondering, this is my communication system w my host family: we speak in Chinese unless my mom or sister randomly uses English, and if I don't know a word either I look it up or I have them write in on the dictionary app and look it up. Or we try to piece it together in English. Sometimes I just smile and nod. 3) Being sick sucks but my family is very caring and I have AC in my room so I'm as happy a camper as possible right now.

[ask-a-w]

Someone left a review in my Ada fan fic claiming that my choice to keep Ada’s real name a secret was “stupid” and that he/she is providing “constructive criticism”.

Oh boy. Whoever wants to read my exchange with the reviewer is left under the cut.

The reviewer was somehow very unhappy with my author’s note for my first chapter.

For context, this is my author’s note:

A little trivia that Asian names have the surname (Eg. Z) listed first followed by the given name (Eg. XY) so the full name is written as ZXY instead of the Western way of XYZ.

I am well aware that there are Chinese given names which consists of just one character and surnames that have two characters in them. Most of the time, emphasis on the word 'most', a given Chinese name has a single character surname and a given them that are two characters.

I've always had this idea in my head that Ada is half-Chinese so I wrote her having a blonde Caucasian mother that got adopted by a Chinese family and was therefore, given a Chinese name. Ada's father is a Chinese man who was Wen Ting's next door neighbour so they're essentially childhood sweethearts.

Also, I was educated with British spelling so I spell neighbourhood with a "u" in it. Nothing to be all worked up about, in my opinion.

If you have noticed, I left out any mentions of Ada's name at all in this chapter. It is confirmed in the Resident Evil 6 artbook that the name "Ada Wong" is just a pseudonym, which means that it's not her real name. Don't worry, I will eventually write how she gets her spy name.

I am sorry to say that I will never list down Ada's real name in this story at all. For some reason, I'm really protective of it and I don't want people stealing that name to put onto their own version of Ada. The only thing I'll say is that "Wang" is her real surname and that is it.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter where young Ada has a happy life with her parents.

This was the review:

...Why would anyone steal Ada's last name? Your reasoning sounds really stupid, to be honest. I don't see why you feel the need to protect a name. Her last name was noted as Wong in the RE storyline. Not a bad first chapter so far, but the dialogue could be cleaner. I had trouble determining who was talking in this chapter alone.

My response:

Hi, thanks for the review but I feel you need to re-read my author's note of my first chapter very carefully. I never mentioned that people will steal her last name, I said I am very protective of her GIVEN name which is different from her LAST name. And at the time I wrote the story, stealing ideas and headcanons for stories were very rampant on the internet so I chose to keep her given name a secret. The games have confirmed that the name "Ada Wong" has always been her pseudonym, so it is not her real name at all. Her real name can be Jane Lee or Mary Chan or something else altogether. In my story, I only confirmed that her last name is Wang. Her given name will be a mystery for the rest of the chapters. I have re-read my chapter and I don't see how you have trouble determining who was talking. Guo Xiang is Asian and is Ada's father. Wen Ting is a blonde Caucasian and is Ada's mother. Ada is referred to as a little girl or a child.

The reply:

That's fine with the name. I just thought the note was annoying. I also know that Ada Wong is an aliass. What I meant by the dialogue is that its set up in a way where it's not seperated. I know who was in the conversation but it just felt confusing to me. It could just be the way it's presented.

The amount of back-pedaling is astounding.

Trying to still be nice, I replied back:

A lot of writers use author's notes and explanations too, how does that make mine any different? Since this story will be mainly read by Western audiences that will be unfamiliar with Asian naming conventions, I chose to put the note there to explain it so readers won't be confused.

I have a feeling there will be more back-pedaling.

Yep, more back-pedaling.

You don't understand what I'm talking about. I'm part of the Western audience,  lol. Your dialogue,  in my opinion is riddled with too many adverbs. You don't really get the feel for the characters in the beginning. I'm giving constrictive criticism based on what I read. I do plan to read more so don't think I'm insulting you or something. 

I call out on his nonsense.

Look, you said my author's note explanation is stupid which isn't constructive criticism. You mis-read it and upon explaining it to you, you back-pedaled and gave another excuse that my "author's note was annoying". Now that I'm pointing out to you that other people use author's notes too, you claim I am "not understanding what you're talking about" and start talking about my flaws about writing dialogue which was not the main point of this conversation. I understood what you said and that's why I reached out to you to explain the situation about the last name, first name issue which was the main point of the past few messages. If you're serious about giving constructive criticism, please choose your words carefully next time.

The reply:

1. I mentioned your author's note about the name because I felt it was snobbish. That was my opinion. I don't see why anyone would go through the trouble of stealing a name. From the time I've been writing here,   I've never heard of anyone stealing names. That was my take on it. You don't have to agree with me. Pethaps stupid was the wrong word to use but personally,  I wouldn't write that. 2. I then mentioned that your work wasn't bad but the first chapter could have been better because of the dialogue. There were places where it was hard to see who was talking to whom. Not the names. I know who was in the chapter. I just felt it could have been written better. I did not insult you. I gave you *MY* personal outtake of your story. A flame would be insulting the author or the work. I also never backpedaled.

I’m pretty much over this fella at this point.

He STILL sends me a message.

And I never implied there was something wrong with author notes. I use them.

I’m very much done with this person. Ignoring.

[lia-is-in-love]

I want to thank the lovely @harrywavycurly​ for tagging me in this!

Rules: Tag 20 friends you would like to get to know better….

Nickname: Jill, Jills, Lia

Zodiac sign: Scorpio

Height: 5'4

Last thing you googled: I’m pretty sure the last thing I googled was something about how to manage/treat Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) which I just got diagnosed with and which is doing a very good job of fucking with my life ugh :/

Favourite music artist: hmm, I have a lot of music artists that I absolutely LOVE so it’s really hard to pick just one.  But if I had to pick my most favorite, I’d probably have to go with Ed Sheeran I feel the need to include this picture to show just how much I love him.  Please note that I have an entire folder with numerous subfolders and literally 36 different playlists with only Ed Sheeran songs.  Also, pay attention to the fact that I honest to god have 424 Ed Sheeran songs (I have pretty much every version of every song he’s ever performed, recorded, etc; so like I have studio versions, loop-pedal versions, acoustic versions, etc. (I’m a shameless youtube downloader)).  Also I feel it is worth mentioning that my top listened to Ed Sheeran song is a 9 minute song that I’ve listened to 210 times (according to the iTunes playcounter, which only works about half the time when I listen to music on my phone...) which equates to 32 hours; I have legit spent 32 hours of my life listening to this one song. (Yeah, I’m a bit fucking obsessed nuts haha)

But honestly I have a bunch of favorite music artists.  Like Mumford and Sons, I love them so so soooo much.  And Passenger (he’s soooo fucking good, honestly he’s a fucking genius), The Lumineers (they’re also fucking amazing), The Avett Brothers, Little Mix, Kasha Rae, Lowkey, and obviously One Direction lol.  Oh and Bob Dylan, I am crazy about Bob Dylan.  But like those are only my top top absolute most favorites.  I have so many that I love very much also.  Some honorable mentions that I can’t resist adding are Bastille, Imagine Dragons, twenty one pilots, Devlin, Bear’s Den, The Head and the Heart, Rod Stewart, Cat Stevens, and Demi Lovato.  Also, Christian Burrows, Sarah Simmons, and Janet Devlin all have voices that I am straight up in love with.

Song stuck in my head: Currently it’s 7 Years Old, only the version stuck in my head is not the original one, it’s a cover by Christian Burrows who is fucking awesome and you should all go check him out.

Last movie you watched: Ugh probably some kids movie because I work as a nanny and I babysit a lot.  Oh it was one of the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies, and it was fucking terrible.  Like honestly, it was soooo bad.  I mean, I didn’t even really watch it I just sat with the kids as they watched it but I was on tumblr the whole time lol.  Last movie I willingly watched though, I can’t actually remember the name of it, it’s some movie my grandma loves and wanted to watch again about an Irish girl who moves to Brooklyn in like the 1920s.  Last movie I willingly watched that I can actually remember the name of: Hidden Figures.  It was wonderful

What are you wearing right now: Sweat pants and a pink sweater and two pairs of socks because it’s cold lol.

What do you post: On this blog I post mostly 1D stuff, with a side of funny/amusing things, and the occasional important PSA.  I also (supposedly) post fanfics that I write but I’ve been a lazy mofo lately and haven’t done that in a while

Why did you choose your URL: I chose my url because it matched my username on AO3 (LiaIsInLove) only on tumblr you can’t capitalize letters in your url and liaisinlove looks weird to me because you can’t initially tell what it says.  So I put in the dashes and there you have it. 

Do you have other blogs: oooh yes.  Yes I do.  Technically I have a shit ton of side blogs on here, but really only five others that I actually use, and I’m only regularly active on two of those.  @to-dance-beneath-the-diamond-sky​ is my main blog.  It was the first blog I made on tumblr.  Oddly enough, I actually made it at some point in high school, never used or posted a single thing, and forgot that I’d ever made a tumblr until around two years ago when my friend convinced me to get a tumblr, and I went to sign up and was like wtf I already have a blog with this email?!?!?! when did I do that?!?!?! lol.  Before I made this blog, I posted my normal stuff (angsty shit about mental illness and the mess that is my life) as well as my one direction stuff, but then I decided to make a specific 1D blog because none of my followers appreciated my one direction fangirling.  The other blog that I actively use is @act-more-like-a-dog-sirius​ which is my harry potter blog.  As you can tell, it’s primarily dedicated to marauders, particularly sirius black, things.  Then I also have my writing blog, @lia-ivy​ which is purely for me to keep track of useful writing tips/resources for future reference.  And I also have @with-grace--in--your-heart​ on which I lackadaisically post positive/inspiring quotes and shit, and also @my-religion-is-kindness​ which I very occasionally reblog/post inspiring stories that restore faith in humanity and that kind of shit.  I also have a shit ton of other blogs but I’m not really active on any of them so :/ 

What did your last relationship teach you: uuughh I hope this doesn’t mean last relationship relationship because I have never had an official relationship with someone because I’m a fucking loser and A Mess™ and no one likes me.  But I’ll go with the last person that I went on multiple dates with (lol my life is so sad lmao).  From that I learned that you NEVER FUCKING CRY ON THE SECOND DATE!!!!!!!! If you’re getting emotional, tell them you have to go to the bathroom, and then you come out and say you’re not feeling well and then you boot. (That’s what my friend drilled into me after that Unfortunate Incident lmao) You don’t cry in front of them! EVER! Like it’s sooo bad lmao. Just, like, save the emotions and shit until you actually know them and they actually know you.  Like if they want to get all deep and personal and shit, just don’t even go there.  Honestly.  Like, you don’t have to lie, but like don’t dredge up all your past trauma and shit.  Just be casual about it.  You don’t want to reveal the extent of your emotional damage and your traumatic history and shit on the Second Fucking Date.  It will scare them off and it will be humiliating 100%.

Religious or spiritual: Spiritual.

Favourite colour: PINK!!!!!!!! Y’all probably could have guessed that by now though haha

Average hours of sleep: That totally depends on the day.  Some days I sleep like 3-4 hours (because I’m on a medication that makes it so I can’t sleep, and I have to take another medication so I can actually sleep, only that medication knocks me the fuck out, so I can’t take it unless I know I’m going to be able to get at least 8 hours of sleep, so I don’t take it a lot and then I don’t sleep).  And other nights I sleep from like 7-10 hours.  But then there are lots of nights where I’ve had several days in a row of not being able to sleep or I’ll be just super drained/exhausted and I’ll just pass the fuck out and sleep like 14-17 hours for a few days in a row and then I’m back to barely sleeping. Lol I know my sleep schedule is beyond fucked up but that’s the chronic illness + mental illness life for you.

Lucky number: I don’t have one, but I do for some reason like the number 7, and the number 11.  But like not strongly enough for me to consider them lucky or anything

Favourite characters: Sirius Black.  I fucking love him. I love so many of the characters from HP, like Luna Lovegood, Rubeus Hagrid, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Harry James Potter himself (duhhh), but I have to say Sirius is my absolute most favorite.  As for favorites in other fandoms, I love Éponine Thénardier from Les Misérables, and I love Jessi Taylor from Kyle XY, and I love Zuko from Avatar the Last Airbender.  That’s probably about it. Oh and I like Katniss from the Hunger Games.

How many blankets do you sleep with: A lot.  A minimum of three blankets, and two comforters/duvets.  (I have really awful circulation, I’m always fucking freezing, and my house is always really cold)

Dream job: Ugh if only I knew.  I really want to do something human rights related, and I’d love to be able to incorporate photography and activism, but I don’t want to be a photojournalist (the field is dying, plus you have to be fucking amazing to actually get a job, and it’s not hands on enough for me).  But the fuck if I know how/where to find a job like that.  Honestly though, I was talking about it the other day (with @harrywavycurly who is an absolute doll) and I’d probably be happiest working at some kind of wildlife animal sanctuary or something because I love animals soooo much and like I want to play with bears, and be friends with wolves, and cuddle with lions, and romp around with hyenas, and spend time with gorillas, and just, the bigger the animal, the more I love it and want to be friends with it lol. 

I rambled a lot as I tend to do, and this was super long, sorry haha.  20 people is a lot soooo I’m just gonna tag the first people I can think of. @missy14us @harrysoreo @littlemissmeggie @muzic-niall-luva @narryrendezvous @1989rosesxx @hypegxmez @irishsunshine-n-l-l-h @narold @myneighborkelsey @louissgoldchain  (only if you guys want to!)

[twistedstorm]

13, 33, 34, 35, 40, 44, 46, 47 and 50 for the writer ask meme

Whoever you anon(s) are who keep sending me in these questions from my ask memes I love you so much! Here we go!

13) What’s your favorite writing quote? I don’t actually know…but the best thing I’ve ever read about writing is something like “Don’t be afraid to write what you want even if it’s been written by someone else before because while it may have been written it’s never been written by you” and I love that because it’s true, nobody writes exactly like anyone else so no matter what you write it will always be unique to you regardless if the same idea has been done before. 

33) Are you interested in having your work published? Maybe someday? I think I’d like to have something I write whether a poem or a short story or a novel or whatever published one day because I’m pretty proud of a lot of my writing and I’d like to know what people think and I’d love for people to connect with my words or my characters and I love to hear about their interpretations and stuff like that because I love it when people feel something, anything after reading what I’ve wrote. Right now the list of people to have read my work is limited to some teachers (one really awesome one who encouraged me to keep writing no matter what who is a huge reason why I still write), my mom, and some of my friends and as much as I love hearing their reactions I think I’d like a bigger pool of people someday.

34) Describe your writing space. I write in my room, on my bed with usually my fan going to provide white noise. I used to play music or a movie or something but I end up pausing it whenever I’m actually putting words down because it distracts me so the fan is better. If I’m writing by hand then I’m surrounded by notebooks (because I write different things in each one so I don’t have to be flipping through the notebook I’m actually writing in to try and find that one date or one character detail I need for this one scene because that’s hella annoying) and pencils and stuff and if I’m writing on my computer I’ve got google docs open to save whatever I’m writing in a separate place (copy and paste are my best friends I swear) because I’m paranoid about my computer freezing or something and me losing everything I’ve written because it’s happened before and it’s the worst (I still have a million notebooks open around me but less pencils) and sometimes I write with headphones in just to block out the noise from everywhere else because I’m very easily distracted and random noise genuinely pisses me off if I’m writing. Oh and I always have chocolate and at least one full water bottle because they are both very important to my writing process of course. 

35) What’s your favorite time of day for writing? Honestly I don’t think I have one…I do most of my writing really late at night though since that’s usually when I have the most energy because my brain’s a dick but otherwise it’s pretty much a whenever I feel like it sorta thing. When I was still in school it was usually first thing in the morning or right after lunch in the afternoon though…I have no idea why those times but I did a lot of writing then. 

40) Which is your favorite original character, and why? Okay this is really hard because I love all my ocs for different reasons, even ocs I made up as a kid are still important to me. So I could pick the very first character I ever made I guess. His name is Darius and he’s a white haired red eyed vampire with an accent I dreamed up (literally by the way, he showed up in a bunch of recurring dreams I had as a kid) when I was like 8 and I still use him in stuff today (and yes he sounds just like Soul from Soul Eater and I’m pretty sure that’s why I like Soul so much) and I honest to god talk to Darius when I need someone to be my voice of reason, I just picture him and he gives me advice and reminds me to breathe (yes I talk to my ocs as if they were real people in the real world, I have conversations with them really often actually. I know they’re not real and it’s just me talking to myself but it helps me a lot) . Or I could pick my current favorite characters to write at the moment which are two characters in my new story named Sil and Holt. One is a sarcastic phantom with emo hair who makes jokes like “Oh no we’re all gonna die!!! Oh wait…I’m already dead…never mind guys I’ll be fine, you guys on the other hand…not so much…” and I love him so much and the other is a half nymph half siren and he’s literally just me but cooler and with white hair and cool powers who get’s flustered easily and likes sea shanties. I love them both for the weirdness that is their personalities and how fun it is to write dialogue for them 

44) What’s the weirdest character concept you’ve ever come up with? The time I made Alice in Alice in Wonderland an evil zombie (species called a Queen) who could raise the dead and infect others with her own special mutation of the zombie virus and then wrote out a detailed explanation of how Queens were created when the zombie virus interacted with a recessive mutation only active in xx chromosomes but was carried by people with xy chromosomes and could be passed on to their children and activated if the mother was a carrier as well and the disease was incapable of effecting xy chromosomes at all, and when the disease/defect interacted with the zombie virus it creates a species of zombie capable of in-depth thought and calculation who was equipped with a new version of the virus that is specifically hers so every Queen had her own specific virus unique to her that allowed her to turn and control other people and also raise the dead maybe. I wrote out the entire backstory of how the disease was discovered and the entire list of symptoms it presented with and how it progressed over time and then I named it after my cousins because I decided that the disease was first studied by experimenting on and observing two little girls in an asylum who were there for killing someone as small children because the disease drove them crazy. So basically I turned Alice evil and crazy and spent months creating and writing about a disease to explain why she was so fucking crazy and murderous even though she wasn’t even my main character…yeah that was pretty weird. Not the only weird one though…my mind is a strange place.

46) Describe your perfect writing space. Comfy office-like space with a desk for my laptop or my notebook or whatever with a comfy swivel chair and footrest but also a big bean bag chair and big pillows and a daybed type thing so I can move around and write wherever. There would be a big window with a window bench seat thing so I could let light in or open it to feel a breeze but it’s never loud outside so there’s no stupid noises to distract me. Magically I have speech to text that works perfectly so I can pace and stuff and just speak my story out loud when I need a break from typing. Covering one wall is just a total story line of my story in pages and sticky notes and pictures all connected with different colors of string that mean different things so I can keep track of everything without a million notebooks. There’s a cabinet for my millions of notebooks that I’ll have anyway because it’s me and I love notebooks. I have just a huge pencil case with like those pull out parts like in a makeup case and it’s just full of pencils and pens and sticky notes and highlighters and stickers so I don’t have to always search for them when I need them. There’s a mini fridge for my water bottles and snacks and I have a fan that makes the perfect amount of noise and surround sound speakers with voice control so that if I decide I want music I can have it right away and the entire room is sound proof so I don;t have to hear anything from outside the room and there’s a light up sign on my door that I can turn on with a remote or a switch or whatever that says “Writer at Work” so that people know not to come in and disturb me. The room is painted blue because I like it the best and there’s a big soft rug in the middle of the room because I like fuzzy things and there’s also a fuzzy blanket for if I get cold.     

47) If you could steal one character from another author and make then yours, who would it be and why? I dunno…I don’t think I’d take anyone really…actually scratch that, there’s a lot I would probably take because I’d want to give them a better life or a cooler story or a better relationship or a better family and friends, but I won’t pick a specific one.

50) If you could live in any fictional world, which would it be? Dark Hunter novels by Sherrilyn Kenyon, I’d love to meet my favorite characters and have cool magic powers and give my precious tortured babies (*cough cough* Ash and Nick *cough cough* and everyone else *cough cough*) a cookie and a hug…and high-five Simi. Or alternatively any universe where I could have shape-shifting powers (so maybe X-Men?) or my own created universe where I’m still me but with shape-shifting powers and magic and way cooler clothes and stuff but like my friends and family are still there because I’d miss them a lot if I was in some other universe. (Also acceptable is Batman/ Justice League universe provided I’m a hero with powers) 

Thank you kind anon for sending this in, I love you and have a fantabulous day! Feel free to send in more (that goes for everyone)!

~ZZ

I’m gonna go write something…