#from some fucking freak who's never been offline a day in their lives and has no idea how the real world works

[cannibaleather]

.

[shadowfae]

We’re all pretty aware that the tumblr otherkin community is at a huge decline; I was wondering if you have any theories as to why that is?

American Protestantism, the decline of queer oppression in North America and the AIDS crisis, helicopter parenting, web 3.0, morality politics, and  Tumblr’s porn ban; roughly in that order and rolled up into one bombshell that was a few years in the coming but nobody really saw it and understood it until it was far too late.

That was a mouthful and probably only made sense if you follow current cyberpolitical theory. For some of you reading this, as with every other hot take I have this has a chance of being passed around, that alone is enough. But for others who had no idea what I just said and need the ELI5 version, let me explain that. Buckle up, this’ll be a long one, and will go into fandom history a bit as well because it is actually relevant.

As we know, tumblr is a very American-centric platform. Twitter is also this way, but less so, but tumblr has it bad. Now, I’m ‘lucky’ in the fact that I’m Canadian and a twenty minute drive from the American border, so that puts me in the ‘privileged’ majority. (I say privileged because I’m not really sure what else to call it. Most of the information going around about politics either directly affects me or indirectly affects me approximately one or two links of contact away. Someone who’s only influenced by American politics because it makes their sister’s online friends sad is not going to be privileged in that way.)

This means that American politics and their social climate overwhelmingly affects tumblr’s social climate. This also bleeds through into other fandom spaces, on twitter, instagram, and Pixiv to name a few places; but here’s where I spend the majority of my time so here’s what I’ve witnessed.

America’s main religion, as far as I understand (from the raised agnostic and currently neopagan view I have), is some weirdass capitalistic-Protestantism that is so many miles from what the actual Bible says that if I were a betting man and knew more about cults than I did, I’d say it’s some weird fucking cult and never set foot in the country again for any reason that isn’t gaming free shipping through a PO box. If you have no idea what I just said but are at least vaguely familiar with Christianity, this graphic explains it pretty well. So we can see there’s some glaring issues with that ideal.

The decline of queer oppression and the rise of queer rights in North America, which is to tenderly include my own country but we all know when people say ‘in NA’ they mean ‘America, and Canada where it applies because the right-wing Republicans are really good in the propaganda department to convince everyone that Mexico is a drug-lords-and-anarchy wasteland to the point where even I don’t actually know what’s down there other than bad drivers and heat’; means two things. One, it’s a good thing by a long shot and do not mistake this as me thinking queer oppression being lessened is a bad thing. But two, it means that thanks to the AIDS crisis, queer folks lost a lot of first-person sources as history.

The queer elders in NA who survived are typically either a) bitter anarchists who are often POC, probably still dirt poor and do recreational drugs or b) university-tenured TERFs (trans exclusionary radical feminists). Category A are the people who Republicans have deemed worthless in every way, because racism, queerphobia, ableism, and all the other ways to be wrong and different and Evil that they can’t handle, because Jeezus would never want them to actually learn to love someone who wasn’t just like them, and they don’t have the compassion to do better. Category B are the people who want to be different in just a teensie little bit, typically with TERFs they want to be lesbians, but they don’t want to challenge the status quo. They’re fine with the way things work, they just want to be on top oppressing others over ripping the whole damn thing down and building a more forgiving system.

Now, due to all those ‘isms and the cheerfully malicious aid of the Republicans, pun not intended but drives home the cruelty of it all, we also see the rise of helicopter parenting. The invention of the internet did not really help this. Basically what you’ve got is a whole bunch of parents who saw the civil rights movement, just got access to the internet and things going viral, know the world is changing, and like all parents, they’re scared for their children. Now instead of parents knowing one or two people in their classes who just went missing one day and everyone assumed they ran away, they hear about eight homicides in the city of kids going to parks at night and dying. The Satanic Panic was another event around this time that contributed to that, but I’ll let you research that one.

This means that all of these parents, instead of doing what their parents typically did and let their kids wander off for the day so long as they’re back by sundown, they can’t let their children out of their sight. There might be a freak accident where their child is decapitated on the playground swing! Their baby might get murdered by an evil Satanist walking home from school! Their dearest darling might go online and tell their address to someone who’s got a 100% chance of being a pedophile who will show up and kidnap them in the night!

…You get the idea. 

Combine those three things I just established, what we’ve got is a lot of queer kids who have a lot of internalized shame for being different and wrong, because they’re queer, and they can’t find spaces offline to be themselves, because all of the elders who would do that are dead and/or inaccessible and their parents won’t let them go to any clubs that aren’t school-related, which they’ll never find a GSA or queer club because Republicans, ‘isms, propaganda, and the war on Category A queer adults have all done their best to ensure that those spaces don’t exist.

So you have a generation of kids who I am the youngest of. The first generation on the internet. The late Web 1.0 (usenets and Geocities) and early Web 2.0 (livejournal was the big one, ff.net too, also 4chan but fuck those guys) generation. What we were taught was: trust nobody on the internet with your real info no matter how much you like them, this is a wilderness and any crimes that happen won’t be punished or seen so don’t put yourself in a position where you’re going to be the victim of one, and everything you put online is never getting taken down so don’t put anything up that you’re not willing to have on the front page of your local newspaper.

This worked out pretty well, actually! You had kids who knew that if they got in trouble, there was no backup coming to save them. Because the form that backup might take - parents and police - wasn’t going to help. Best case, they’d be banned from their friends and online support groups for being queer. Worst case, they’d be jailed and put in juvie and conversion therapy and turn to drugs and become evil Satanists just like everyone says they secretly are already. So they learned very quickly to take care of themselves. Nobody was going to save them, so they learned to not need saving.

And then, well, Web 2.0 shifted to Web 3.0. Livejournal died because parents - the Warriors for Innocence was the big name - went “gasp how horrible my children are being exposed to the evil pedos and homosexuals they’re going to do drugs and die of AIDS!”. Which is uh. It’s filled with a lot of bigotry, and I’m not excusing them - absolutely I am not - but you can kind of see where they’re coming from, if you tilt your head and squint.

Either way, LJ died, tumblr took its place, Facebook was fast taking off, and the fandom folks who had seen mailing lists go inactive, web admins take their fanfic sites down due to copyright, entire fandoms burnt to the ground in flame wars, said ‘fuck that we’re making our own place’ and that’s how AO3 got made.

That’s important. A lot of folks move to AO3, because well, the rules let them. The rules say ‘you can throw literally anything up here so long as it’s fan content and is not literally illegal, so we don’t get taken down’. It’s a swing for the first generation internet users, those kids who know this place is a wilderness and are carving out our own sanctuary.

But. The children under us. The children for whom AIDS is a nightmarish fairy tale, for whom the ghost stories are conversion therapy, for whom know they can’t really talk to their parents about being queer but can trust they probably won’t get kicked out over it. The children who haven’t spent ten seconds without supervision except online, and their reaction isn’t ‘oh thank god I’m finally free to express myself’ but ‘if I get in trouble, who will protect me?’.

And there’s nobody there. Because we went in knowing there was no backup. And that was fine. But now, the actual adults have figured out that hey uh, maybe we should make cyber laws? Maybe we should make revenge porn and grooming children over the internet crimes? And they grew up with that. They grew up learning that no, even if your parents are suffocating and controlling, they’re always be there for you! Some adult will always be there to protect you!

That isn’t the case. It’s not. But they expect it, because it’s always been done for them. They don’t really want to change the status quo, because that means doing it themselves. They can’t do that, because they don’t know how, they’ve been controlled for every single part of their lives thanks to helicopter parenting and without that control, they don’t know how to keep their lives together, and they demand someone come and control it for them, without restraining them.

Effectively, they want someone to ensure they never face the consequences of their actions. Helicopter parents will rescue you from whatever you did, because you’re their precious baby and it doesn’t matter if you punched a kid, you can do no wrong and the other kid clearly started it.

But being queer is doing wrong. Being queer is something Jeezus doesn’t approve of. So they want to make it something he could approve of! But if it’s too off what they consider to be okay, if it’s too different and weird and wrong and evil, that can’t do, that’s still bad, and they’re precious angels, and children, and minors, why are we the adults not protecting them and letting them see it? Why aren’t we being just like their parents  but queer-friendly, why aren’t we protecting the children?

The adults who taught us were the children of those who died as a result of AIDS. The eldest of my generation knew some of them personally. My therapist’s younger brother died at 20 of AIDS, and she told me what it was like. But they don’t have that. These kids of web 3.0, they don’t have that. What they have is over-controlling parents, and the expectation that someone will always be there to protect them but hopefully in ways that don’t hurt them this time, no real understanding of why Category A queer elders are the way they are, and so much internalized shame that they have to do some pretty fancy logic-leaping to keep them from collapsing entirely.

They can’t turn into Category A queer youngsters, because they don’t know how to unravel the system around them, because they’ve never had to actually make choices in their lives and live with the consequences, because they don’t have the example of how to do it. They can’t unravel their internalized shame because again, that’s hard and they don’t have their parents to take away the consequences and pain. It doesn’t come easy to them, so it may as well not come at all.

But, you ask, if Category A queer elders aren’t around to teach the kids, then how are they learning anything positive at all? Well, Category B, our university-tenured TERFs, who don’t want to change the status quo but want to just be at the top of it instead.

For a lot of kids who don’t know how to make hard choices but want to be queer, this is an extremely attractive option. But when they go online to queer spaces, a lot of them say fuck terfs, we don’t support your hate, and they go ‘yeah okay that makes sense’. They can say fuck terfs without ever actually questioning why terfs are bad. They’re Bad and Evil, just like drug addicts, just like fairytale nazis, just like the evil homophobes.

And we saw them say ‘yeah fuck terfs’ and we were like, ‘aight you got it’ and we never questioned if they actually understood us. They didn’t. They didn’t, and we didn’t do enough to fix it, because not enough of us realized the problem. So terfs got a little sneaky. They hid behind dogwhistles and easy little comments, hiding their rhetoric in queer theory that you’ll absolutely miss if you just memorize it and never actually question it and understand why that point is being made.

This goes back to America sucking, because their school system is far more focused on rote memorization over actual logic and understanding of the text. They’re engaging with queer theory the way they’ve been taught, which is memorize and don’t think, don’t question. Besides, questioning and understanding is hard. Being shown different points of view and asked what they think is not only hard but requires them to go against all of the conditioning that says to just listen and agree and never question it, which goes back to tearing the system and internalized shame down, and we’ve established they can’t do that so naturally they don’t do that.

This begets, then, the rise of exclusionary politics. They’re turning into Category B queer youngsters, because we told them ‘hey that’s a terf talking point what are you doing’ and they never questioned why. They learned you can do all sorts of things, just don’t say X, Y, or Z, because they never thought deeply about it.

The children who have grown on Web 3.0 do not want to do any heavy lifting to make things easier for themselves long-run. They want to do as little as possible and have things get better for them. There isn’t enough of us left in Category A, because Category B terfs are very good at recruiting young folks and Cat. A is overwhelming poor, dead, and easily dismissed in the system as evil and bad, so we can’t exactly convince the young folks to listen. If all of the young kids could agree to tear down the system, a lot more older folks might listen. Change always starts with the young, and there’s a reason for that.

But Republicans have figured out, if you get people fighting, they never put together a force that can actually stop you. TERFs, who want the exact same thing as Republicans but with themselves on top, are doing this to queer youth, and Cat. A elders can’t fight back because there isn’t enough of them and the odds are against them, and the young folk like me who follow their lead.

People can kinda handle gay people. It’s not so far from the acceptable normal that it’s impassable. But you want them to handle kinky people? Gay people of colour? Kinky gay people of colour? Trans people? Those are bridges too far to step across. The original idea was to get the foot in the door with marriage equality and inch our way through with racial equality, sex positivity, dismantling ableism and perisexism (forgive me if that isn’t the word for anti-intersex ‘ism), and see if we can’t patch up the system instead of inciting a civil war over this and have to tear down the system entirely.

Well, we might’ve managed that if not for AIDS being the perfect ‘Jeezus is killing all the evil gay people for being sinners’ propaganda machine. As it stands now, not a chance in hell. So long as Republicans and terfs keep everyone fighting, nobody has the power to dismantle their empire, and they stay in power.

So then, you ask me, “Lu what the fuck does that have to do with the decline of otherkinity on tumblr???” and now that you’ve got all that background knowledge, here is your answer.

Those children who want their experiences curated for them and the evil icky content they don’t like to be gone because it disgusts them and anything that disgusts them is clearly sinful problematic and should be destroyed, are what we call ‘antishippers’, or anti for short.

They like being progressive. Sort of. They learned what Republicans and terfs have honed to a fine talent: keep people fighting, hold them to a bar they have to constantly make or risk being ostracized, and harass the people who don’t play along into getting out of your sight forever. Sound familiar?

They learned of otherkinity, and particularly fictionkind, because web 3.0 means if something goes viral on one site, it doesn’t just go viral on that site, it makes it to worldwide newspapers and twitter and nobody ever, ever fucking forgets it. They realized the following: “Hey wait, if I’m this character for realsies, not only does it help me deal with the internalized shame I’ve done nothing to actually fix because that takes work, I can also tell these people who draw gross content I don’t like they’re hurting me personally, and that actually sounds credible, and I can shame them into stopping”.

If this is your first time here and that sounds sickening, it damn well should, and I am so, so sorry that any of us had to witness this, and I am more sorry I and everyone else who personally witnessed this didn’t realize what was going on and put a stop to it. I answer asks and browse the tags and clear up misinformation and it isn’t just a genuine desire to help. It’s damage control, and my own way of trying to deal with the guilt of not stopping this. I’m well aware I couldn’t have seen it coming, I was a teenager myself still learning and no one person has that much power. I still feel like I should have done more, and I’ll do what I can to fix what’s within my power to fix.

So back to the story. This all culminates around 2016 or so. Trump wins the election, and every queer person ever knows they’re fucked, and the younger generation’s only ever heard horror stories, never seen actual oppression that this could bring. We’re all scared. We all don’t know what to do. Nobody has any answers or any control over the situation.

So they lash out. They attack others for drawing things they don’t like, for challenging them in literally any way, for asking them to reconsider the vile shit they just said, for so much as defending themselves from the harassment they just got. And when challenged, they yell “But I’m a minor! A literal child! How dare you attack me, clearly you get off on this, you evil pedophile!” and they sling around every insult in the book until one sticks. Pedophile is a pretty good one, so is abuser, and sometimes zoophile works out too. Freak is great, everyone gets right pissed off about it.

The fact that Category A queer elders were called pedophiles and freaks is not a fact they know or care about. The fact that they are quickly making every fandom community super toxic is also not a fact they care about. The fact that the ‘kin community has words and terminology and they actually mean shit, and the fact that they’re spreading misinformation faster than we can keep up with, are not facts they care about.

So they come in, take our terms, make it impossible for us to find new folks. They realize our anger is easily a power trip, because we’re already made fun of, so they get off on the little power they can find and make fun of us too, and then when we get rightfully annoyed and pissed off, they can hide behind being minors.

Then tumblr implements their porn ban, because nobody’s stopping them, because it isn’t profitable to have porn on here. Considering most of the otherkin community, and most fandom communities, are full of adults who do occasionally talk about NSFW things, and the fact that they’re just banning everyone who so much as breathes wrong, this begins the start of a mass exodus, scattering already fragile communities to twitter, pillowfort, dreamwidth, and a few other places. Largely, twitter, where you can’t make a post longer than a snappy comeback and where the algorithm is literally designed to piss you off as much as possible.

So community elders have largely left, because they can’t stand the drama and the pain of what’s happened, and that’s if they didn’t get banned for being kinky furries who do talk about how their kintypes merge with their sexuality. Most community members have also left or stopped talking about being ‘kin, because they get associated with antishippers and toxicity and it’s just not worth it. Those of us who are left get drowned out by misinformation and trolls and wishkin and antishippers who appropriate our terminology because it supports them getting a power trip, and whenever we argue, we get called pedophiles and freaks and worse.

And now there isn’t much left. I hope we get to find a better place. Othercon was a good place to talk about it, I did a whole panel (it’s on Youtube!) about what we want to do about it. But I don’t really have any answers. 

But to sum it all up... America’s political climate ultimately culminated in destroying queer spaces, and we survived, and then people who wanted to destroy smaller communities to get on top showed up and we were all but defenseless against something we had never, ever dealt with before on this scale.

One of my twitter mutuals mentioned how kinning and otherkin are now completely separate communities. It’s really the best I can do to keep hoping that continues, until nobody realizes the words are at all connected to each other. It’s the best anyone can hope for, now. I hate it. I hate every part of this. But maybe we can salvage what’s left.

[askjoshuafreeman]

transcript.file//jfreeman_codingb//convo

[Emergency Program Active]

AdminJF: Heya B-)

CodingB: ...? Allen? Where's Joshua?

AdminJF: He's still asleep, just snoozin away.

CodingB: Still a-... Isn't it... late? Why are you up.

AdminJF: Had a nightmare

AdminJF: Couldn't get back to sleep

AdminJF: Figured a lil chatting with ya could do me some good.

CodingB: ... With... me?

CodingB: Wait a moment...

CodingB: Communications are offline... I didn't think that was possible...

AdminJF: Yeaaa, boy like me's fulla tricks B-)

AdminJF: 'sides, don't think chattin with 'em would help out. They're... kinda chaotic.

CodingB: Unlike you, pizza box tearer?

AdminJF: Ey ey, I'm the FUN kinda chaotic! Those guys... eh... I know Josh trusts them. No surprise there. I mean, apart from you, they're the only peeps who MIGHT help him out... I'm still on the fence about them tho.

CodingB: I see.

CodingB: May I ask... what your nightmare was about? I do not know exactly how dreams work, but talking about what ever is making you upset tends to help.

AdminJF: Are you sure? It's... kinda dumb.

CodingB: I am all ears! And eyes! You have my full attention!

AdminJF: Right, well

AdminJF: where tf do I start...

AdminJF: I was... running in this like, industrial... plant of some kind? Like, running from something that I couldn't see? Like, that went on for a while, that I was just running and trying not to trip or crash into anything.

AdminJF: So at some point, I end up at this biiig chain link fence, like, the kind they put up in big facilities, I think. Anyways, I start climbing the thing, only to get pried off and thrown on my ass by, I guess whoever was chasing me??

AdminJF: But like, I look up at the guy, and I still can't really "see" him. Could say they looked like a shadow, but even that doesn't cover it really. That's around where I woke up and just. I dunno. Woke up about an hour ago and I've been too anxious to head back to sleep...

CodingB: ... I can't say I blame you exactly. An event like that, dream or not, would stress anyone, I'm certain. Until you've calmed down sufficiently, I don't think sleep will be possible...

AdminJF: Yeah, well, all the more reason to chat, right?

CodingB: I suppose so. Had you any topics in mind?

AdminJF: Oh Yea yea

AdminJF: ... No. I really don't.

CodingB: Ah. Then... could I ask you something?

AdminJF: Shoot.

CodingB: ... What is it like out there? Past the screen, I mean. Out in the sun. Out in the grass...

AdminJF: Ah shit... I'm really the wrong dude to ask but uh

AdminJF: It's... fine? No no uh... It... gives you something to do. Sun can get pretty hot down here but it's a helluva lot better than being cold in like, the snow and shit. Josh's been complaining that it's getting colder when... it hasn't? Like, I would know, I'm p sensitive to temperature shifts yo, but it's just been as hot as ever.

AdminJF: Uh, back on topic

AdminJF: Grass is... pretty soft, gives off a nice smell after it's cut. Uh... worms live in the dirt grass grows in...

CodingB: Oh, worms?

AdminJF: Yea, not like computer worms, but uh, little... long slimey things. They eat dirt and filter out the bad stuff so the ground stays healthy and all that.

AdminJF: Birds and lizards and fish like to eat them but I wouldn't recommend it.

CodingB:

CodingB: Allen, did you-

AdminJF: No!

AdminJF: Classmate back in primary did tho

AdminJF: Dared himself to cuz there was a bunch out after it rained and then uh

AdminJF: Y'know what, let's talk about something else.

CodingB:

CodingB: Well, um, do you think I'll ever get to see out there?

CodingB: Like, leave the device and go outside?

AdminJF: Knowing Joshua? Without a doubt. He's prob already working on the blueprints.

CodingB: ... Really?

AdminJF: Pfft, of course! You've met the guy! He's too kindhearted for his own good. J will stop at nothing to help others, even at his own detriment. I mean, case in point: He's friends with me.

CodingB: ... What's wrong with being friends with you?

AdminJF: Ha!

AdminJF: Ah...

AdminJF: Look, I... back when we first met, Josh saw this hungry, pale as death, angry and antisocial freak around his age and, instead of avoiding him like everyone else, sat down right next to him and offered half of his lunch.

AdminJF: I've been through 5 different fosters since he and I first met, CB. Five houses that all took me in and gave me the boot before I could even get comfortable. Within that time, the only other friends I've made apart from him are Clera and Tiff, and the only reason Tiff's our friend is because she and Cler started dating months ago.

AdminJF: I mean, hell, just yesterday, I

AdminJF: shit

CodingB: ?

AdminJF: ... Can you... keep a secret, CB?

CodingB: My lips are sealed, Allen. Is everything alright?

AdminJF: ... I... I lied to Josh, about me running off. About how my folks were mad and I needed to get away from the house for a bit.

AdminJF: The truth is that they... They kicked me out.

CodingB: They?? What!?

AdminJF: Yesterday past-noon, few hours after lunch, not-pops plopped my schoolbag on me, told me to shove as much of my shit in it as I could, and just told me to "get lost". Figured he was joking and I just stared at him cuz, like, why the hell would I think he was serious? But, looking at his face...

AdminJF: So then I said "Let me pack my suitcases while you call the agency" cuz that's how it normally went when my Fosters got sick of me, but mfer pulls me up and goes all "We want you out of here NOW" and tells me that I have ten minutes to fill my bag.

AdminJF: ... And he, uh, really did mean 10 minutes. They weren't lying about that part...

CodingB: Oh my god... That's horrible. They do not deserve to call themselves "parents" of any kind! Are you hurt? Are you okay?

AdminJF: I

AdminJF: I don't know why shit like this still shocks me, y'know? I should be used to it all, and I am for the most part but...

AdminJF: I guess a part of me was thinking that... Things were going well! Things were going better than any of the other families I'd been in! I was with them for almost a full year, like, a month away from it even, and sure, I might've been a bit of an ass sometimes, but they...

AdminJF: Tensions were kinda mounting for the past month or so, I guess, but I didn't notice it until this bs happened. Now most of my shit is in a home I'm not welcome in anymore, the agency probably won't be checking in for another month or so, and I have no goddamn idea what I'll do if Mrs. Freeman comes back and tells me I can't stay here. I'm completely shit outta luck.

CodingB: Allen, I'm so sorry...

CodingB: ... I'm sure... Josh and his mother, they won't leave you on your own like that. You said yourself that Josh is very very kind, for better or for worse. It doesn't matter what you might think about yourself, Allen, you do not deserve to be hurt in any way.

AdminJF:

AdminJF: Christ I spilled my guts like hell

AdminJF: Just one of those fucking

AdminJF: "3am! Time to vent!"

CodingB: Allen, please.

AdminJF: Maybe I could try going back to sleep now...

CodingB: Allen, wait!

CodingB: I. Before you go, please, I

CodingB: Maybe... could you keep a secret of mine too?

AdminJF:

AdminJF: Eh, it's only fair, fine. Go right on ahead.

CodingB: Alright! Alright!

CodingB: I... I'm terrified. Of failing Joshua.

CodingB: Of ending up trapped in this computer for who knows how many more years.

CodingB: Of finally getting out, and... and it all being worse than being trapped in here.

CodingB: Heck, I'm terrified at the thought of it being everything I could've ever dreamed of, so much so that I never want to return to the computer. I... I wouldn't be helpful anymore if that happened...

CodingB: Jeez... am I even helpful where I am now? Apart from keeping the firewall up, what good have I really done to help Joshua or his father?

CodingB: I cannot express to Joshua how... how deeply frightened I am at the thought of him never coming back. That thought haunts my every waking hour when he is not here, and I don't know how to get it to stop. It makes me feel as though I'll crash my entire programming and I hate it so much.

AdminJF: Damn... CB, you know, even just keeping a firewall up is a helluva task all on its own, and it's doing a crapton of good, too. Files are still up and the computer isn't a smouldering pile of viruses now is it?

AdminJF: Besides, even without all of that, you've still helped Josh, like, endlessly. You've supported him a bunch and I know for a fact that you've helped him to feel better about this whole ordeal. Like, he chats about you for HOURS the second you come up in a convo, yo. The minute he gets the chance to, I know he's gonna get you out of there, and, knowing your ingenuity, you're gonna find thousands o' ways to help out.

AdminJF: But... I ain't gonna lie and tell you those feelings are gonna go away. Not on their own. Needs time and reassurance. Until all of this is over and done with and even maybe a good few years afterwards, you're probably gonna still have that fear.

CodingB: Ah... I see... I don't suppose it is normal though, is it?

AdminJF: Nah. I know that first-hand... But hey, we've both made it this far despite all the bullshit we've been through, right? World's not gonna get ridda us that easily.

CodingB: ... Even with the terror I feel, am I still brave enough to face the world?

AdminJF: I'd say the world oughta learn to start being afraid of you, cuz there's nothin' braver than continuing to live even when you're scared to death.

CodingB: ... Thank you. Thank you so very much.

AdminJF: Heh, all in a day... night's work...

AdminJF: Think the both of us could use some rest. Quiet our minds fo' a bit.

CodingB: Heh, agreed... See you tomorrow in that case. Er, well, today. At a later hour.

AdminJF: Yeaaa, see ya then, CBot. Sleep well.

CodingB: You too! May your dreams be filled with nothing scary!

[Emergency Program Inactive]

ampd.program deactivated. Returning to error log...

[overthelillies]

fic recs for my friends

yeah okay so most/all of these are davekat im sorry!! arranged in no particular order also some of them are second person I Am Sorry.

Your Interpersonal, Intergalactic Relationship: A Beginner's Guide (8,400-something words)

A beginner's guide to playing hopscotch, overcoming internalized homophobia, and falling in love with your alien best friend.

friends to lovers! p cute

So It Goes (56,845 words)

They managed to win the game somehow. He's not really sure of the details, but it's not all it's cracked up to be. He's stuck in an unfamiliar body with a thirteen year old little brother who's terrified of him.

Somehow, he is sure this is his fault.

// i have not read this one. but strider angst and davekat yes please

Red Converse (26,648 words)

Due to a seizure, Karkat Vantas now has to learn how to live his life with two speech aphasia. He goes to therapy three times a week, suffers from awful headaches, and tries to avoid people as much as possible.

Due to a traumatic experience, Dave Strider refuses to use his words, preferring to relay his snarky comments and witty banter through sign language and typing on his phone.

They meet in a waiting room.

//THIS IS REALLY GOOD Altho they do have sex just skip it dw i promise it’s worth it

how...did you tell your friends (7,906 words)

Unfortunately, you don't fancy your brother's suggestion on how to break the news to John...

There's no other way out of it, you're going to have to just tell him.

//set after homestuck, dave tries to tell the most oblivious person in the world and also his best friend (john) that he and karkat are dating and it’s literally so good

Dave Strider’s Stupid Fucking Jawline (11,607 words)

Generic high school AU. Dave's jawline is really distracting and Karkat does NOT have a crush on him (shut up, Kanaya).

//high school au. lovely. good eating.

Gray and Red (16,084 words)

In which you only see color once you meet your soulmate, and the first color you see is the same as your soulmate's eyes.

//SOULMATE AU SOULMATE AU this is kinda very Angsty (Karkat do be pining doe) it’s p good

We’re All Friends & Family Here (And Frankly, We’re Sick Of Your Shit) (68,000 somethin words)

It's been about a year since the big Fast Forward, and sure, things on Earth C aren't perfect for everyone. But they're fine. Really. It's fine. Everything is super fuckin' swell, and that's that.

It's not like one night is going to change anything.

//post homestuck GOD THIS. IS SO GOOD okay so this fic is mainly dirkjake being fucking stupid with rosemary and davekat and also a lil roxy/calliope in the bg and it’s long but!!!! so very good

Red Ties (10,705 words)

Dave Strider's eyes never turned the color of his soulmates. With his rare eye-color, there's next to no chance they simply share an eye color.

One day he meets Karkat Vantas.

//another cute soulmate au! again. love the soulmate aus what can i say

i’m at the combination dunkin donuts & urgent care (3,920 words)

Karkat Vantas is convinced beyond a doubt that his neighbor is some variety of murderer, until they actually meet in person. Highlights include blood at the laundromat, Dave's weird obsession with candles, and a box of shitty swords.

//this is SO FUNNY short n sweet i promise

the calculation (2,481 words)

the fic in which Dave gets the flu for the first time since before the game and Karkat takes care of him.

//this fic is really funny and also sweet

Start At The Beginning (9,304)

//post-homestuck, Dave and karkat falling in love. the ending to thsi made me cry

I Love Cheap Thrills (4,773 words)

You’ve been trading memes with an international pop sensation, and your drunk ass had no idea.

Classic.

//this one is verrie funnie

Locked Up (9,272 words)

Dave had always been the one best prepared for the game. He was able to handle the shit it threw at them and push it down a lot better than everyone else could.

It might have fucked up everything else about him, but that didn't matter.

He was fine.

He was always fucking fine.

//angst. very nice

I’d Tap That (oh fuck i didn’t mean to tap that) (17,041 words)

Karkat finds his old school bully on Grindr. Dave doesn't know how to shut up.

// really funny!! sorry if these are getting redundant i don’t remember the details about some of these

Pale as Bone, Pale as Water (5,305 words)

//another davekat sickfic

Apple Juice, Chips, and Bandages (5,335 words)

Every time he comes in he gets the same three things. A bottle of apple juice, a bag of chips, and bandages.

//really cute!! they’re liddol and they’re friends it’s nice

The Land of Blood and Childhood Trauma (8,242 words)

When two dreambubbles collide, two anti-social assholes are forced to help each other through it.

//not quite as Angsty as it sounds! it’s good

ecdysis (6,077 words)

Karkat goes through his adult molt. Dave does his best to take it in stride.

//so i actually haven’t read this thought I did but Uh have it anyway it looks good

Self Sabotage and Other Symptoms of a Damaged Soul (10,698 words)

//basically dave grapples with his internalized homophobia, etc. very good

turntechGodhead is offline (36,999 words)

//I’ve already ranted to you guys enough about this you know what it’s abt it’s SO FREAKING GOOD

A Ten Step Plan For Wooing Karkat Vantas, Featuring A Multitude Of Illustrations By Your Esteemed Authors, As Well As Tips For The Aforementioned Wooing (11,261 words)

Kanaya, because she's a saint, makes you a list.

The list is entitled "A Ten Step Plan For Wooing Karkat Vantas" and features a multitude of illustrations in purple pen.

"So we're doing this," you say. Your mouth threatens to twitch into something dangerously smile-shaped.

"Yes," says Kanaya. "We are making this happen."

"Hell yes."

//dave n karkat! they go on a date. stuff happens. it’s really good

Catching Colds on a Rock in the Middle of Space (15,887)

Rose catches a bad cold and it slowly spreads to the rest of the meteor crew. None of them are particularly good at admitting they're sick, let alone looking after themselves, but at least they're decent at caring for each other.

//rosemary and davekat! VERY sweet

Dave’s Girl (2,527 words)

The thing is no one knew anything more about "Kitty" other than her delicious cooking (Dave obviously doesn't want to share – ever) but the guys are more or less already in love with her. Drew insists she's probably this blond bombshell with big, blue eyes, all curves with legs that go on forever and a great rack... Practically everyone in the team has their own opinion.

//this is so funny and also im a sucker for these kinds of tropes so it’s great

Songs Made on the Meteor (27,762 words)

Dave makes music and they fall in love.

//on my to-read list! it looks good

Looks Just Like The Sun (12,231 words)

“Holy shit,” you whisper. Dave joins you at the window.

There are no stars left in the sky. Nothing but blackness and a faint soap bubble sheen.

“Is that a dream bubble?” Dave says.

And then it swallows you.

//okay. does this have explicit sex? yes. does it have a very explicit image? yes. HOWEVER (hear me out here) I firmly believe that if you whizz pass those parts, this is a very good fic with great characterization and fun banter. send tweet

aight happy reading

[slurpingsoba]

Game Over

Relationship: Shigaraki x Spinner

Word Count: about 1.9k

Notes: What started out as me trying to connect back to my childhood gamer days quickly became more Spinaraki propaganda. I think I wrote this a month ago, but I never finished it, mainly because I thought it was trash. I still think it's trash, but I slapped an ending on it so hopefully, it sounds better than it did before!

Also, this picture is the setting of the story. Sometime after Kamino

“Shigaraki”

Spinner called out his leader’s name quietly, not wanting to startle him. Shigaraki was currently cowering near the far edge of his bedroom, his eyes a bit puffy and his body curled up; the disembodied hands he held were overflowing in his arms.

He looked like he was trying to make himself as small as possible, but that was something hard to achieve with his lanky figure. Even in his own chamber, he stuck out like a sore thumb.

Shigaraki grunted as a response, and he shifted his weight from his right foot to his left foot, to his right foot again. His jittery, uncomfortable energy was seconds away from spreading to Spinner, who picked at his scales. 

“Shigaraki,” he called out again, a little louder this time. Shigaraki grimaced and dropped one of his hands to the floor.

Spinner cringed as well when the hand hit the ground. It was hard to watch Shigaraki with his face on display. You could see the intense anger and hopelessness oozing out of every expression he made. With saturated features, Shigaraki bent down to grab the hand on the floor but dropped the ones he was holding in the process. He fell to the floor along with his prized possessions. 

“Stop sulking in the corner like a fucking loser and get over here, for fuck’s sake!” Spinner’s voice cracked a bit. 

He caught a glimpse of Shigaraki’s eyes, and for a second, Spinner was scared for his life. Nobody else was in the room except for them, so Shigaraki could get away with murdering him if he wanted to. But Shigaraki was above killing his own allies, right? Right?!

Shigaraki, as lethargic and languid as he could be, got off the floor at a snail’s pace. He left the hands where they were. Spinner thought he heard some of Shigaraki’s bones crack as he inched himself up.

“Christ, it hurts to see you like this.”

“Then why don’t you leave? Everyone else did.”

Shigaraki’s tone made it seem as though everyone’s departure was a form of betrayal. He was aware that they had lives outside of the League, but he hoped that they would at least stay and comfort him in his time of need. 

Spinner’s heart felt heavier, aching in his chest as he sympathized with Shigaraki. Honestly, Spinner didn’t have any place better to be, but in order to spare Shigaraki’s feelings, he fabricated a white lie.

“I didn’t think it would be a good idea to leave you when you’re… like this.” Spinner motioned to the pile of hands on the ground, and the mess of a man standing among them.

Spinner changed the subject. “I assume you play video games, right? With all the gaming terminology you use.”

“I do.”

“Okay, so let’s play one.” Spinner pivoted on his feet and made his way towards Shigaraki’s monitors. Part of him didn’t want to know what dark and bizarre things lurked on Shigaraki’s computer, but the other part was curious. He pressed the power button on one of the monitors to boot it up as Shigaraki slithered over like a shadow.

Spinner rubbed his eyes, unaccustomed to the brightness emitting from the computer screen. It was the only source of light in the room, and he wasn’t used to using electronics in such poor conditions. 

Shigaraki, appreciating the juxtaposition between dark and light, stretched before taking a seat in front of the screens. After typing in his password, he clicked on an application on his desktop. One resembling a dirt block.

“Minecraft? Seriously?” Spinner was expecting Shigaraki to pick a horror game or at least something more on-brand. But Minecraft...

“Yeah? And what about it?” The only reason Shigaraki was playing it was because All For One bought it for him. He said the game would help him think creatively and collaborate with others in a controlled environment. Not like Shigaraki used the game constructively, anyway.

From the loading screen, Shigaraki clicked on multiplayer and went through his saved servers. After some contemplation, he selected Mineplex.

“Have you ever played?” 

“Yeah, of course. You can’t call yourself a gamer unless you’ve played Minecraft.” Spinner spoke without an ounce of sarcasm in his voice.

“I hope you’re not serious about that.”

“And what if I a- oh shit, look at that Gamertag!” Spinner interrupted himself, crowding Shigaraki’s personal space in order to get a better look at the screen.  

“‘I_Sucked_Stains_Nuts’? The Hero Killer’s groupies are fucking horny, aren’t they?” 

“With a tongue as godlike as Stain’s, why wouldn’t they be?” Spinner licked his lips. With wide eyes, Shigaraki gave Spinner a judgemental look.

“You know he stabbed me.” Shigaraki navigated his way into a mini-game. Survival games, to be specific. He entered a lobby.

“You probably deserved it.”

An exasperated expression settled on Shigaraki’s face. With a huff, he took his hand off his mouse and folded his hands. Spinner took the opportunity to seize control of the game.

“‘HeroKillerLover <3’, ‘xx_DaddyStain_xx’... would you look at that?! Stain’s quite popular in the gaming community.”

“One Minecraft server does not equate to the entirety of the gaming community. Now, give me back my mouse.” Shigaraki right hand reached towards the mouse but got swatted away.

“You know what? Fuck it. You control the mouse and I’ll control the keyboard.”

“Sounds good to me. Queue up the chat log.” Spinner said, ogling over the game like he’s never played it before. 

Oh, Shigaraki thought, a lightbulb going off in his head. Perhaps Spinner never played Minecraft before, and his earlier statement was just him trying to seem cool. 

Shigaraki found this amusing, and for the first time in a while, he cracked a smile. 

Meanwhile, Spinner read over the chat log, soaking in the nonsensical lingo that made the log incomprehensible to him. He was too old to understand the slang that tweens used. However, one thing on the log caught his attention.

A girl with rainbow hair and the Gamertag ‘Detroit_smash_me_69’ was crouching and un-crouching rapidly in the middle of the screen. She was typing in the chat.

“‘Yo, yo, Minus_U1tra_4, answer me. I like your skin,’” Spinner read out loud to himself. “What’s your Gamertag, Shigaraki?”

“Minus_U1tra_4.”

“Huh. I was expecting it to be ‘I_Hate_All_Might_’ or something.”

“That’s a bit too self-incriminating, don’t you think? My name is perfectly edgy.”

Spinner screwed up his face and raised an eyebrow. “Sure it is. Anyway, the rainbow-haired girl is trying to talk to you. She said she liked your skin.”

“I’m using the default skin.”

“Okay well still, reply back to her.” Spinner had a goofy grin on his face. He had a feeling this would be a funny encounter.

“Alright, if you say so.”

Hovering his fingers over the keys before typing, Shigaraki decided to type ‘i like urs to’ into the chat.

“That’s the wrong ‘to’. And you spelled ‘yours’ wrong.”

“I’m typing a message, not a fucking essay,” Shigaraki responded.

“Doesn’t mean you can’t use proper grammar.”

Shigaraki ignored him and read ‘Detroit_smash_me_69’s new reply. “‘Thx. Wanna smash?’”

“Whoaaa, wait a minute. Hold on a second.” Spinner backed away from the monitor in disbelief, pacing in the space behind Shigaraki’s computer setup.

“Dude, I think she’s just referencing her username. Calm down and get back over here.”

Spinner, after taking a few deep breaths, returned to his former position. “What are you gonna say now?”

Shigaraki typed into the chat window, chuckling to himself. Satisfied with his message, he pressed enter. 

‘I’ll Detroit smash you any day darling.’, showed up in the chat log under Shigaraki’s Gamertag. 

“You don’t realize how creepy that sounds-“

“Shush, I’m ~flirting.”

“She could be twelve.” Spinner attempted to reason with Shigaraki. It’s as if he’s never talked to a girl before, real or virtual. 

“‘She’ might not even be a she. Besides, what twelve year old has a Gamertag like that?”

“You know this is public? Like, everyone in this waiting room can see this right now.”

“I don’t give a shit, I’m enjoying myself. I don’t even remember the last time I’ve been able to sit down and play a game like this.”

Shigaraki’s comment caught Spinner off guard, but it reminded him that Shigaraki has been a villain for most of his life. Spinner didn’t quite grasp the twistedness of Shigaraki’s relationship with his master until now, and Spinner felt sad knowing Shigaraki never got to experience a normal life. 

“Well, I’m enjoying this as well. Even if you’re being a freak online.”

“I’m a freak offline too, you know.” Shigaraki turned around in his chair to look at Spinner. He was smirking and seemed to completely forget about the game he was playing. 

“Oh?” Spinner wasn’t sure where this conversation was going, but he would be deceiving himself if he said he didn’t want to find out. He and Spinner were kindred spirits, gamers starving for justice and murder, so he didn’t dismiss the prospects of growing closer to Shigaraki in a more than platonic way. 

“Especially in bed.”

“Oh?” Maybe the Hero Killer fanatics on Minecraft weren’t the horniest people after all. 

Shigaraki stood up and advanced towards Spinner.  “To think I was moping around earlier, when I could have been doing this.”

Spinner had no choice except to walk backward. He continued until his legs hit the side of Shigaraki’s bed and he was forced to fall onto the worn comforter. With Spinner’s back pressed against the blanket, Shigaraki bent over him, trapping him between his arms.

“...doing me?” Spinner squeaked, his cheeks heating up. Spinner was an avid gamer, and therefore a virgin, so he didn’t know how to react to the predicament he was in. Sexual intimacy was new territory for him, but he wouldn’t mind exploring it with-

“Kurogiri said you guys can’t use the WiFi. With All For One gone, nobody’s here to pay for the internet anymore.” Dabi interrupted Spinner’s train of thought. 

Dabi’s voice made chills run down Spinner’s spine. He left Shigaraki’s room about an hour ago, so Spinner was surprised he was back so soon. Why was he here? Why did he have to be such a cockblocker??

“Shit,” Shigaraki exclaimed, not moving from over Spinner. 

“Why don’t you nerds try going outside for once? I heard the graphics out there are incredible!”

“Why don’t you try minding your own damn business for once? I’m about to get some.” Shigaraki barked back at Dabi.

“Yeah! I’m about to get some!” Spinner echoed from under Shigaraki, his every word dripping with excitement. Somehow, Spinner felt breathless already, although Shigaraki hadn't even touched him yet. 

“Gross,” Dabi muttered before walking out of Shigaraki’s room and closing the door behind him, leaving Spinner and Shigaraki alone again. 

Faint sounds from Shigaraki’s computer provided a distraction for Spinner, who was too overwhelmed to function. He looked into Shigaraki’s ruby eyes and found himself starstruck by the man he called a loser just a while ago. Reality was so much better than fictional worlds at times, and this was one of those times.

“Guess I wasn’t that bad of a flirt after all,” Shigaraki said, before leaning down over Spinner’s trembling form.  

Stain’s nuts weren’t the only thing getting sucked tonight.

[infinite-insignia]

oh look an angry, kin-related  ramble post. (very long & contains swearing)

((ok for the past few days I’ve been taking things way too personally & have been getting angered too easily. like,,,mention something vague abt war and I wanna talk abt,,,the war. and how I can’t remember all the details. so ofc I start rambling to people but then no one wants to hear it so I have no one to talk to, which annoys me sometimes cause it makes me feel like people either don’t believe me or just don’t wanna put up with my ‘bullshit’ because it’s annoying))

((but really, who would wanna listen to my shit anyway. I told my mom abt it a lil while ago and she still doesn’t get it. not completely, anyway. she keeps saying things that get on my nerves, acting like she knows how my brain is supposed to work. like, sorry that I didn’t turn out the way you wanted me to, but you can’t just tell me what I can and can’t spend my time thinking abt))

((and like? I wanna talk abt kin stuff to people irl sometimes just so I know I can blab abt it to people. but I’m also terrified of telling anyone irl cause they have no idea what’s goin on in my head. and they’ll never wanna hang out with some freakshow who believes in the bullshit I do. who claims all these ridiculous things and lets it impact their current day-to-day life. so I just gotta hide who I feel like I really am from the public offline.))

((and it sucks. I hate pretending that everything’s fine when it’s not. but if I start complaining irl, people will just think I’m a whiny bitch of a teenager who doesn’t know how to handle their emotions. people will yell at me like they always do and I’ll just feel worse. so idk what to do. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place with all this.))

((u gh. I just. I’m mad. mad at myself for being such a coward and never saying anything, just pretending I’m ok. mad at my family for not understanding--and if they don’t get it, my friends sure as hell won’t. if they even are my friends. they don’t even know the real me. just the me who barely gets by in a social setting. I try to fit in the best I can and hide all my issues, but that’s just. not me.))

((I’m not your average likable person. I’m a freak with mental disorders who has to hide their true self from the public. I’m failing the one thing I’ve made my goal in this life--to remember as much as I can abt my last life and use it to be better this time around. cause this is the last shot I get as Sig. with my soul from that life still intact. human body or not. the phantom ruby’s gone and can’t reincarnate me again. but I can’t remember all the small details I desperately wanna remember.))

((and this human shit!! school and stuff? boring & uninteresting! before I remembered my last life, before connecting with this soul and remembering myself, human shit was normal. now? now it almost feels foreign. I have a human body this time around! I only get so much time to remember everything! but juggling that along with what people expect of me ‘as a human being’ is just. it’s so much responsibility and it’s driving me up a wall! ugh I feel like I’m going crazy and I hate it! can’t I just remember shit without feeling like I’m failing in life?!))

((people keep telling me to move on. forget the past. like? ever since growing kinnected enough with this shift, this soul--I’ve basically made it my purpose to remember it all. the good and the bad. and if I can’t even do that right? if I get overwhelmed from all the shit going on outside of that? if I can’t handle all of it? then I’d have no purpose anymore!))

((and without a purpose, there’s no point in sticking around just to have everyone here make fun of me! hell, other kinnies don’t let their kin bullshit impact their lives this much! but it’s literally become my life at this point and I just can’t help it. I’m an outcast even among other kinnies! a failure who takes things way too seriously and can’t learn to focus on this dumb human body and the life I was originally brought into with said body before remembering all my Sig bullshit.))

((like wtf am I just doomed to be an awful person? I get it I made a whole bunch of mistakes back then! I wasn’t a good person & I’m still not! I’m trying to remember my past and learn from the mistakes I made, but how am I supposed to do that when my head is legit hurting from all the other bullshit currently going on? how do people expect me to be ok after all this huh?? cause I’m not! I’m emotional and cranky and mad and. I just!))

((ugh!!!!!!! what. the. fuck!!! I usually don’t get this mad over shit but I am. furious at myself, my family, and this dumb human life! I wanna remember shit! I wanna be a slightly better person for once, but when who I am isn’t even socially acceptable? then idk what I’m supposed to do anymore!! the hell is the point in trying if it’s not gonna make a difference?! I swear I am this close from punching something.))

((my gOD. I need to get off tumblr for a bit before I get any worse. this is utter bullshit and I’m giving myself a headache. probably giving you guys headaches too. sorry you had to read my bullshit rambling--if any of you actually read the whole thing. idk what I’m gonna do abt all this, but for now I just gotta. stop being so mad. I might be back online later tonight but idk. what the fuck is wrong with me like. jesus christ how fucked up in the head do I have to be to go through this shit.))

[anagentinwriting]

To Catch a Thief - Final Part

Summary: Being an FBI field agent was your dream job but having been stuck behind a desk for most of your career you’ve almost given up. Fortunately, a series of robberies with minimal evidence forces you to assist a team in the field to help solve the case. But when the only thing left behind is a series of song lyrics, will you be able to find the perp? Or will the number of obstacles and lack of evidence keep you from solving the case?

Pairing: Peter Quill x Reader

Word Count: 3584

Warnings: Fluff, language

To Catch a Thief Masterlist / Main Masterlist

After handing in the evidence box, you headed to Trash Panda. The team and a few other agents were already waiting for you to have celebratory drinks for a case closed.  As the night wore on, you did what you do best, put on a face for everyone and try to sort out your feelings. Peter was working the bar tonight, and you caught him gawking at you a few times. You sent a wink his way forcing a blush to his face.

Tonight, you saw Peter differently. You knew how he felt about you, yet you didn’t know how you were feeling about him. Peter’s the guy with a reputation of bringing home random girls and never getting serious. Why would he want to settle and get serious with you?

The guys at your table left to go play pool leaving you with Gamora and Mantis. “What’s going on with you tonight?” Gamora asked, reaching over and squeezing your forearm. “You’re so quiet tonight.”

“Hmmm…..it’s nothing.” Your eyes flash to hers before taking a sip of your beer.

“You are lying,” Mantis said as you shot her a hard glare. “It’s my job. What’s bothering you?”

“It’s stupid,” you answered picking at the label on the beer bottle.

“I’m good at being stupid,” Mantis replied, Gamora agreed then stopped when she realized what came out of her mouth. You shake your head glancing in Peters direction seeing him talking to a group of women.

“It’s about Peter, isn’t it?”

Your head snapped to Gamora. “I saw the disk of you and Kraglin debriefing him, but it felt more like you were interrogating him.”

“Shit, Kraglin didn’t throw it away. Damn it,” Gamora cursed under her breath. “I’m sorry we should’ve told you.  We were just looking out for you.” She paused tilting her head as she realized something. “That’s it, isn’t it.” You narrowed your eyes at her. “You’re freaking out because Peter’s falling in love with you and you don’t know what to think.”

“That’s ridiculous. We haven’t even talked about our feelings towards each other and here you are making accusations about how I feel about him.”

“I sense you care very deeply about him and he does for you too. Right now, Peter's uncomfortable with those women around him, especially since they’re blocking his view of you. And you're jealous of all those women around your boyfriend,” Mantis explained.

“Um...okay... but to clarify he’s not my boyfriend. Sure, we’ve hooked up, but he can do whomever he wants whenever. Ah….I should get going. I forgot I have to do something tomorrow morning.” You put on your jacket and walked past Gamora as she grabbed your arm.

“Hey, if you’re afraid of getting hurt. Talk to the one guy that knows Peter best. Yondu.”

You walked into the field office first thing Monday morning with a good feeling. It was the start of a new week, which meant a new case for the team. All weekend you avoided Peter hoping to get your feelings sorted out, but instead, it turned into binging every romantic comedy and thinking about anything other than your feelings. Your only focus was on the two people falling in love on the television screen. If only love was that easy to figure out?

You waved at a smiling Luis and went straight to Yondus office. You decided to take Gamora's advice and talk to Yondu. If anyone was going to tell you the truth about Peter, it was him.

You knocked, hearing him yell to come in, and stepped inside. “Hey, Yondu. Sorry to disturb you but I’m here for some advice,” you said, taking a seat across from him.

“What does this pertain to?” Yondu raised his eyebrows crossing his arms across his chest.

“Personal matters.”

“You know, I don’t like hearing about my agent's personal lives. I especially don’t like hearing about their problems,” he huffed. “But considering things and how I view my agents as friends and some as family, including you, I’ll hear what you have to say.”

“Damn Yondu, I didn’t know you were so sensitive. What one do you consider me as?” Luis asked through the phone sitting on Yondus desk.

“How many times have I told you, boy, to stop putting yourself through my phone and listening to my conversations. Some of them are very personal.”

“Sorry sorry sorry, but for real though am I part of Yondu family or Yondu friends.”

Yondu stared at the phone shaking his head. “Family, but it might change if you don’t get off the line.”

“Yes! You know I had this a feeling I was, but now that you said it I feel like we reached a new level.” Yondu shook his head, letting out a loud sigh.  “Sorry, I’m sorry, continue on with your personal conversation that I will not be listening to. Hanging up now.” Luis goes offline. "Yes," Luis shouted loud enough from the main lobby for you to hear him Yondu's office.

Yondu grunted, “I’m going to regret telling him that.” You cracked a small smile. “Now about Peter?”

“How do you know it’s about him?”

“Call it a hunch.” You covered your hands over your face shaking your head. “It’s okay. Peter’s like a son to me, but I want you to know I can’t tell you everything. It’s not my place, but I can try to help in any way I can.”

“I guess…. I guess I’m here because I want some insight on what Peter is like in someone else's eyes. I want your honest opinion about him.”

“It shouldn’t matter how I feel about him. It’s about your feelings towards him.”

“Feelings? Get real, Yondu,” you scoffed, making Yondu tilt his head not believing you. “Fine, yes I may or may not have feelings for Peter Quill. They are just conflicting with each other at the moment, and I don’t know what to believe. One side is saying go for it while the other side is saying runaway so you don’t get hurt.” Yondu smirked, shaking his head as if he knew something you didn’t.

“Well, I met him at a tragic point in his life when he was 10 years old, but you already know that.” You nodded. “From that day forward, I kept a close eye on him, but back then, he never got into much trouble. His mama raised a polite boy, but a few years later he came back on my radar again. This time he got caught stealing food from a gas station, and the owner pressed charges against him even though Peter returned the food.

After this, Peter went through a troubled phase. He’d get into fights at school when the other kids teased him for being scrawny or how he didn’t have a father. I mean, these kids were terrible. They went as far as saying no one wanted him, not even his dad, or how Meredith gave herself cancer to get away from him. It was a tough time for him, especially with his mom still recovering.”

“Wow! I had no idea. He never shared any of that with me,” you said, staring hard at the nameplate on Yondu’s desk.

“It’s tough to talk about the past when you’d rather forget it,” Yondu said as you gave him a knowing nod. “Peter has a big heart and cares about the people in his life including you. He might come off as a womanizer, dick, a-hole, or whatever, but I can promise you he’ll never hurt you.  He’s a sensitive guy that wears his emotions on his sleeve. This gets him in trouble a lot because he acts before thinking through with the consequences. In some situations, his emotions take over, and he can’t hold them down, so he lashes out and does something stupid. Like, I read in your report about him pushing you out of the way to save you from the bullet, but he ended up getting shot in the process.” He shook his head, making you crack a half smile.

“He’s a good boy, but he gets lost sometimes when he doesn’t want to give up on those he cares about. Right now, he doesn’t want to give up on you or you to give up on him. Many people have let him down in the past, like his jackass of a father, and you know what that feels like.

“But, you should know Peter isn’t the only one that cares about you.  Me, Gamora, Kraglin, Luis, and many more care about you, too. We will always help you if you’re having a problem or if you want to talk. We aren’t going anywhere, and we don’t take you for granted. I know you have trust issues, but you can rely on us to be there when you need us. Give it time with Quill. I know you might run away to escape your feelings. Hell, you might feel like you're not good enough for him or this job because your mother was the same way.”

“You.....you knew my mother?” Your eyes snapped up to his.

“I never told you this, but we were in the same Quantico graduating class. She was a strong headed woman that didn’t like to take other people’s crap,” he chuckled. “Anyways, there was a time at Quantico when she wanted to quit and run away because she didn’t think she was good enough. Then, she started dating your father and finally believed in herself. That’s what people do who care about you, they bring you up, and make you believe you’re capable of anything.

When I found out you were her daughter, I knew you’d be a hard worker and push your limits. You’re exactly like her but running away isn’t the answer. No matter how messy life gets, I want you to know there are people who do care about you.”

There was more to Yondu than you realized. He wore this cocky, arrogant attitude to cover up how much he cared. He was looking out for you in all this; everyone was. You were too focused on the case to notice you were building relationships.

“Thanks. Um...I think I got what I needed,” You nodded, standing up.

“Your welcome. If you need anything my door is always open,” He grinned, showing off all his ugly teeth. “And for god sacks, Luis get off the fucking line.”

“You know what I don’t even regret hearing all that. It was beautiful, you know like those donuts with red white and blue sprinkles in the break room.”

“See you Yondu.”

“Bye kid.” He waved as you left his office.

Yondu was right you needed to stop running. You ran from your horrible foster parents once you were old enough. You ran when you found out your high school boyfriend was cheating on you with your best friend.  You ran when your foster sister was stealing money from your secret stash. And you broke up with your boyfriend at Quantico because you weren’t ready for a big time commitment.

You run when things get hard, you always have, but maybe it was time to stop running. You finally made friends who will be there through thick and thin.  It was a strange feeling, but it was a good feeling. You finally had what you always wanted, a family, and right now, you were pushing away the one person you truly cared about.

You walked past Peter’s door wondering if he was at home.  You haven’t returned any of his texts or calls all weekend, but you needed to talk to him after speaking with Yondu. You unlocked your door and switched on the light as you flipped through your mail. A figure moved in the corner of your eye making you drop your mail and pull your gun from your holster. You pointed your gun at the figure only to realize it was Peter.

“Peter, what the fuck?” You shouted, lowering the gun and setting it on the table. “You scared the crap out of me. I could’ve shot you. How did you even get in here?” You stared at him in disbelief. He sat on the other side of the island wearing a gray t-shirt stretching across his pecs. His shirt sleeve sat high enough to show the small scar on his bicep where he took the bullet. He was sporting a few day's scruff making him look dirtier; This type of look on the man always distracted you.

“Sorry, but this isn’t the first time I picked your lock,” he winked.  “Among other things I’ve entered.” You sighed, shaking your head at his childish ways.

“What are you doing here?”

“I have some good news.” You stayed silent waiting for him to continue. “My mom’s cancer is gone, and when I say it’s gone, it’s obliterated.” He insinuated an explosion with his hands. “It’s crazy! Before we left Wakanda and after we got back she was feeling and looking better.  Then, she went to the doctor, and he did some scans, but he couldn’t find anything. The tumor in her head was gone. He said it was a miracle.”

“That’s great, Peter. I’m happy for you and your mom,” you smiled, moving around the island to take the seat next to him. You were generally happy for him. He still had time with her, and he wouldn’t have to say goodbye to the only family he had left.

“This is going to sound insane, but I have a feeling it was the Infinity Stones. When they were glowing it felt like something was happening, or does that sound ridiculous?”

“It’s not crazy at all. I felt something that day, too,” you replied, placing your hand on his thigh. He glanced down at your hand, and you quickly pulled it back to your lap. “Many legends say the Infinity Stones have magical attributes. Valkyrie believed they only caused destruction, but T’Challa mentioned they can perform miracles, too.”

“I guess, I should be happy I had to hunt down those stones then,” he huffed, eyeing you up and down. You remained quiet not knowing how to say what you wanted to say to him. “Can we talk about the elephant in the room?”

“What elephant in the room?”

“The one where you have been dodging me all weekend. You didn’t even say goodbye when you left Trash Panda the other night, and you haven’t returned any of my messages. Did I say or do something to offend you?”

“No, it’s nothing like that at all. It’s...it’s hard to explain?”

“I got nowhere to be tonight but here.”

You gulped down the frog in your throat wringing your hands together. It was now or never; face your fears or run away from them. “Whenever things get hard in my life, I run thinking it will solve all my problems. It doesn’t, but it makes me feel better or at least I make myself believe it does.”

You bit your lip trying to decide where to go with this. “I don’t like to get close to people. You know this, I’ve told you this. It’s kind of my way to protect myself. A defense mechanism if you will.” Peter nodded. “Whatever this is--” you pointed at Peter then to you “--scares the shit out of me. I don’t know whether to run from it or dive in head first to see where this thing goes.”

“I’m scared, too.” Your head snapped up at his words. “I must admit, my feelings for you started the day you banged on my door wearing your robe and bunny slippers,” he chuckled, running a hand through his hair. “I didn’t know where this new friendship would lead, but I found myself caring about you. The more I learned about you, the more I fell for you.

You know in the movies, where one character takes the big step in showing how much the other character means to them. Whether it’s a big romantic gesture, saving their life, or realizing they have always had this unspoken thing between them. I have always wanted that, but I never knew when it was going to happen. If it was ever going to happen.  Sure in movies it can happen anywhere, but in reality, you don’t know. The characters on the screen can show us what it looks like to fall in love, but to experience it firsthand is a whole different story. Truth is, I never experienced what love felt like until I met you,” Peter confessed with his eyes never leaving yours.

The nerves in your body fired in every direction making your stomach tingle and twist into never-ending knots. Your palms started to sweat as your face flushed pink. You knew how he felt about you, but him telling you directly brought a whole different feeling to you. What were you scared of? A broken heart, the unknown, or how your life would unravel if this ended badly. This was you, always thinking about the awful things that could happen, but never taking the chance to see what could happen. You needed to stop worrying and take the plunge head first into the deep end.

Peter makes you happy. When your life got stressful he kept you sane and helped you get things off your mind. He could make you crack a smile, even if he told you the lamest joke you ever heard. He was there for you when you needed him, and it was starting to feel like he always would be. He saved your life and risked his own to protect you. You cared about him and wanted to be there for him like he has been there for you. For the first time in a long time, you started to remember what it felt like to be loved.

“Earth to YN?”

You snapped out of your trance. “Sorry, lost in my head.” You cleared your throat continuing. “You’re insufferable. An adult child that listens to the same songs over and over again, and sings them obnoxiously loud. A guy who still believes the greatest movie in history is Footloose even though it never was. And for some reason, you think all problems can be solved with a dance-off.” Peter frowned at his hands in his lap. “It’s insane how these little things make you so god damn irresistible.” Peter tilted his head up as you continued.

“The only love I’ve ever seen was from my parents. My dad always looked at my mom like it was the first time they met. He was always so cutesy towards her and constantly doing things to make her feel loved. I never thought someone would give me those same feelings my dad gave my mom every day until I met you. I’m in love with you Peter.” You peeked up at him, but before you could continue, his lips collided with yours.

At first, you’re taken by surprise, but you closed your eyes sliding your hands up his chest to his neck deepening the kiss. His hands rest on your waist pulling you closer to him forcing you off your stool to stand between his legs. His lips were soft against making a moan escape the back of your throat as his tongue slid into your mouth. You pulled away resting your forehead against his and stared at him unable to keep the smile off your face. When he opened his eyes, and all you saw was love.

“What’s the plan now? Are you going to run from this or are you going to dive in headfirst with me?” Peter asked, standing up and resting his hands on your hips pulling you towards him. “Whatever you choose just know that I am holding onto you tight so it will be harder for you to escape.”

“If I do run--” he pulled you tighter to his body, making you shake your head “--I think I would be running from one of the best things that has ever happened to me." You leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips. “And it would be a mistake to not give this unspoken thing between us a shot.”

He smirked, clenching the back of his jaw. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted, sweetheart.” He leaned down and faintly brushed his lips across yours. “What do you feel like doing now?” He asked, licking his lips waiting for an answer.

“You think I am going to put out on our first date?” You asked with pursed lips. “I know who you are, Peter Quill! And I am not some starry-eyed girl here to succumb to your pelvic sorcery!”

“Wow, pelvic sorcery, huh? Didn’t know I was that good with my wand? Or did I?” He wiggled his eyebrows at you making you roll your eyes. “So, what’s next? Something bad, something good, a bit of both?” He nudged his hips against yours making you bit your cheek to keep from smiling.

“Bit of both,” you replied, pulling your bottom lip into your mouth.  

“I think that’s doable.” He flashed you a playful smile unable to break his gaze from your taunting lips. In one swift movement, he lifted you onto his shoulder forcing a squeal out of you, and you slapped him on the ass. You both laughed as he carried you to the bedroom.

AN: And we have reached the end! Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed my first series as much as I liked writing it!

[itsthwippingtime]

Ok so I have this headcannon that Peter gets into vaping to deal with his anxiety and he eventually ends up buying a juul even though he knows it’s bad for him. So he basically becomes addicted to it and he’s really embarrassed about it so he doesn’t tell anyone and then one day Tony finds out and he feels like he failed Peter because he didn’t want Peter to have addiction problems too and ughhhh you could literally write so much angsty shit about this.

i am so so so sorry this took so long i wanted to get it just right and then school and life got in the way and then it turned into this which was kinda unintentional  cause its 2598 words whoops and not exactly what you asked for but i hope you like it!!!

also thank you to the absolutely amazing Sophia @marvelbased for helping me out with this!!!

____

Peter’s not a stupid kid; he knows doing certain things or not doing certain things won’t make him cool. But going to parties was already nerve-wracking enough for him, it didn’t help to have Flash hounding him all night. Normally he would brush it off, ignore him, leave if it got really annoying but tonight -

Tonight was different. Peter was irritable, he had a shitty day of training yesterday and a shitty night of patrolling which turned into a shitty day at school. He wouldn’t have even come to this party if it weren’t for Ned and MJ. They really wanted to come and he promised he would go with them and Peter Parker - however irritable and grumpy he was - would never break a promise.

It was supposed to be one hit - honest. Ned tried to help, told him to just ignore Flash, “We can leave right now Peter, it’s fine, let’s just go.” One hit wouldn’t do anything, he wouldn’t even feel it, what with the spider bite and his heightened senses and all. Just once, and Flash is off his back, once to prove he’s capable of anything - he hangs out with the Avengers dammit! - just once to be accepted.

It’s just… he wasn’t expecting to like it.

Not the drug, nor the so-called ‘buzz’ most people got - it took twice as many hits as normal for him to even begin to feel a buzz, he later learned - but the feeling. The feeling of proving Flash wrong, standing up to him, proving that dammit he was capable.

He liked it. So ‘one hit and they were gone’ turned into MJ dragging Ned and Peter out by their ears, yelling things like “how could you be so fucking stupid!?” and “do you know what that stuff does to your body?!” and “you’re lucky I was even there, Ned wanted to call May!” Of course, she was just yelling at Peter, who glared at Ned.

Ned and MJ both were worried - Peter may be the smartest kid in their school but he’s a dumbass and this is exactly the kind of thing a dumbass would do. Vaping may not be a ‘hard drug’ but it was dangerous still and “I’ll be fine you guys. Do you know how much I’d have to vape before I even start getting addicted? It was one time, honest.” But the look in Peter’s eyes - eyes glassed over, as if his mind was in another place - worried MJ. Almost enough to call May. Almost.

Needless to say, it wasn’t ‘just this once.’ MJ and Ned - and multiple kids at school - were the only ones who knew. MJ regrets not calling May that first night. She regrets not calling May the minute she found out he continued to vape. But Peter begged her not to and “do you know how worried and freaked out she would be?” and “I’ll quit I promise I swear no more” and Peter Parker never breaks a promise

But May doesn’t need MJ to call her; she’s not stupid or oblivious and peter’s mood swings and outbursts have become much more recent and powerful than that of a typical teenage boy (even if said boy does have spider powers). Peter’s grumpier and snappier than normal and “cut the shit Peter, what’s going on? Is it something at school? Something with the Avengers?” and he always talks to her, more so now that she knows about Spider-Man, but “It’s nothing just leave it alone.”

Tony noticed too. Peter didn’t come around the tower much anymore and when he did he wasn’t as enthusiastic to be training with the Avengers or working in the lab - if fact, it had been weeks since Peter even stepped foot in the lab of his own free will. But the turning point, the moment Tony really realized something was most definitely wrong was when May called Tony.  She said she wanted to talk to Peter about their plans for Saturday and why he wasn’t answering his phone. Tony explained Peter wasn’t there and May explained that Peter left a note saying he was going to spend the night at the tower. May apologized, thanked him for his time, and - although Tony could hear the frown in her voice and wanted to reassure her - ended the call.

It only got worse as the weeks went on. May and Tony’s worry increases exponentially. Peter stops going to the tower altogether - even for required training exercises - and pretty much completely stops talking to May. If he does talk to her, he’s complaining of nausea or headaches. She wants to take him to the doctor - it’s almost every day that he complains of one or the other - but she knows they won’t be able to help him. She all but begs him to go see Tony or Bruce and he all but refuses. There’s something more going on - she just wishes he would tell her.

Tony calls twice a week, at least. Each time it’s the same routine. He’ll call Peter - leave him a message, ask how his week has been, ask him why he hasn’t been patrolling as much, asks him to call him back, wishes him well and hangs up - then he’ll call May and actually get an answer. He asks for an update on Peter, always the same answer - “He’s not around enough for me to notice a change” - asks how she is, what he can do to help, and wishes her well before ending the call. The normalcy of the routine would be comforting if he could figure out what was wrong with Peter.

During one phone call, May suggests they, for lack of a better word, snoop.

“I don’t like it any more than you do, but what if he’s in danger, Tony? What if he’s so far gone he doesn’t feel like he can ask for help anymore?”

“I won’t snoop May. I won’t invade his privacy like that and I won’t violate his trust like that. I can’t tell you what to do but I hope you make the right decision. We have to give Peter our trust, we have to show him that we trust him because if we don't…. If we don’t our relationships with him may suffer even more. If he’s in danger we have to trust that he’ll come to us. He might wait until the last minute but he will come to us. We have to trust him May.”

She sighs and agrees, understanding why they shouldn’t, why they can’t. But at 2:00 am on a Tuesday night in October Tony and May alike consider going to his room in their respective living areas just to find out what the fuck is going on.

May shows up at exactly 2:03 am on Tuesday morning. Tony, as per usual these days, is up late in the lab. Tony can see that she’s been crying. He doesn’t even have to ask what’s wrong before she starts explaining how Peter never came home from school, how she later got a call saying he hadn’t been to school at all that day, about she hoped he was patrolling and waited up for him, how he never came home and she doesn’t know what to do and he won’t answer his phone and “don’t you have a damn tracker on him” and “what if he’s in trouble” and-

And Tony cuts her off, telling her they’ll find him, whatever’s going on with him they’ll figure it out, it’ll be okay. He spends the better part of 20 minutes reassuring her and trying to calm her down, even if he doesn’t believe everything he’s saying himself. Once it seems like she’s a bit calmer than when she arrived, he tells Friday to pull up the map for the tracker he put in Peter’s suit. The flashing red dot shows Peter’s last location - somewhere in Hells Kitchen - from two weeks ago. Tony can feel his heart jump, his stomach doing somersaults as he tries to override whatever blocker Peter put on the tracker this time. Nothing works. May is silent as he works and he’s not entirely sure how he feels about that. He tells her to go get some sleep, to use Peter’s room. She tells him that she won’t relax until Peter’s safe.

Tony puts his earpiece in as he tells Friday to contact Karen or direct him straight to Peter.

“Karen appears to be offline, boss”

“What? Karen is never supposed to go offline. Unless…”

Tony trails off.

“Unless what?” May asks, sounding more on edge than ever.

“Peter wouldn’t. Would he?”

“Wouldn’t what Tony? I need answers here!”

“Peter has the ability to override Karen, completely shut her down in the unlikely event that she makes a call that is unsafe for Peter.”

May chooses to ignore the part about a potentially evil AI system threatening Peter, which Tony is grateful for.

“And it would explain why his tracker hasn’t been picked up in two weeks but…. He wouldn’t. I can’t think of any situation where he’d have to do so.”

Tony sits and thinks. Silently. At this moment, Pepper quietly comes into the lab, seemingly woken up by a lack of Tony in bed.

“What’s going on?”

“I’ve gotta go out and find him.”

“Find who?” Pepper says, completely lost in the conversation she just jumped into head first.

“I want to go too,” May adds.

“No. It’s too late and you’ll be more helpful here. I need you to monitor the tracking device. I’m going to try to get Karen back online while looking for him. If that red dot changes, I need you to tell me.”

“Can someone please tell me what’s going on?” Pepper says, visibly agitated at being out of the loop and up so early.

May begins to catch Pepper up on the recent events as Tony goes to suit up. Once he’s in the air he tells FRIDAY to start running diagnostics on the last data input sent in from Karen - location, time, amount of data, video files, audio files, anything they could use to get Karen back online - and to scan the area. When the scan comes up negative he moves on. He scans every last inch of New York, personally searches every one of Peter’s favorite places. He’ll search all night if he has to. The last thing Tony wants to do it show up back at the tower empty-handed.

It’s 4:23 am when Tony finally, finally comes up with something.

“There’s movement on the Whitestone Bridge, boss.”

Tony jets over, as fast as he can. He sees something at the top of one of the columns. As he gets closer he sees his Peter. His heart stops and jumps into his throat and he feels like he’s going to throw up all his organs. Not wanting to startle Peter, he quietly lands on the opposite end of the column. He makes his footsteps loud enough for Peter to notice so as not to startle Peter too much when he speaks, making him aware of his presence. The twitch of his ears lets him know he’s done that job. Now comes the hard part.

“Pete? Hey buddy… what are you doing up here?” He speaks slowly and surely.

Peter doesn’t answer. There’s nothing for him to swing on. If he jumps… that’s it.

“Peter, step away from the edge.” Tony’s careful to keep the edge out of his voice, hoping to calm Peter down by appearing calm himself. Peter doesn’t move, apart from looking at Tony from the corner of his eye. It’s something, Tony thinks.

“Peter, what’s going on kid? Talk to me, I’m here. I need you to talk to me.”

Peter sniffles and wipes his eyes. He’s been crying.

“What’s going on?”

“I didn’t mean to.” His voice is so soft and quiet, Tony almost misses it.

“Mean to what? What happened?”

“I tried. Honest Mister Stark I tried. I just…”

He trails off. Tony slowly moves to sit beside him.

“That’s all any of us can do Pete, is try. You tried your best and sometimes it doesn’t work out but at least you tried.”

“But that’s the thing, I didn’t try my best, I wasn’t my best, I tried but I knew it was my best and it’s my fault and and”

He worked himself up and Tony pulled him closer.

“And what?”

“She could die.”

Tony’s stomach dropped.

“Who?”

“She’s so tiny Mister Stark. Little girl, five, maybe six years old. She didn’t wake up, they tried to do CPR but she wouldn’t wake up and they took her to the hospital and there was so much blood and….

“And she could die. And it would be my fault.”

Tony doesn’t know what happened that night, what happened that caused a little girl being sent to the hospital - he made a mental note to check up on her and her family as soon as possible - and he doesn’t know what Peter had been going through in these last few weeks. All he knows is that right now his main priority is to show Peter that it wasn’t his fault - he tried - and get him off this bridge.

“Peter it is not your fault. Whatever happened tonight, whatever happened before, it is not your fault you can’t believe that.”

“I only made it worse.”

“You’re Spider-Man, you couldn’t possibly make it worse.”

“I shouldn’t have gone to help.”

“That little girl might not have a chance in the hospital if you hadn’t.”

“I’m sick.”

Tony, for what seems like the umpteenth time tonight, feels like he might puke.

“What do you mean you’re sick.”

“I’m sick. I’m not in the right frame of mind. I haven’t been for a while and I wasn’t when I went to help and I’m still not. And I’m sick.”

It isn’t until then that Tony notices Peter clutching something in his left hand, as he opens it up to show him. It’s a fucking Juul.

“Peter,” careful to keep all emotion out of his voice “this made you sick?”

“It’s a long story. But yes. The spider bite made it harder to feel anything so I-I vaped more than the average person would in one sitting. Apparently, I vaped more than the average spider person should too.” Peter chuckles dryly and if Tony wasn’t already on edge before, that would have set him off. “I’m sick - mentally and physically - and I don’t-I don’t know how to get better.”

Tony was disappointed and confused and hurt and a billion other emotions he wasn’t sure he even knew about. But most of all, he was scared. Scared for Peter. What would have happened if May didn’t come to the tower tonight? How far would this have gone? Why didn’t Peter feel like he could come to him or May with these? He needed the answers to all these questions, but now wasn’t the time.

“You get better with time Pete. Time and help and support from those who love you and want to see you get better. We’ll get through this together yeah?” Peter nodded, eyes watery, a sad smile on his face. “You’re strong kid. You’ll get through this, but you won’t be alone.”

The future held a lot of unknowns, or both Peter and Tony. It will be scary and tough and stressful and frustrating. There will be a lot of tears, a lot of screaming fights and slamming doors. But they’re strong. They’ll get through it.

____

Im so sorry for how long this is it was an accident my b

also if ya know people like it i might do one from more Peter’s POV since this was really more from Tony/May’s POV. Let me know what you think, feel free to send feedback in messages, comments, or asks!!! 

[flameintheblacknight]

RVB AU where Flowers doesn't die of an asprin overdose.

OH!  OH, NOW THIS–THIS IS INTERESTING!

Okay so, let’s start with the obvious thing:  Flowers doesn’t die.  There is no need to send anyone in.  There remains an eternal stalemate at Blood Gulch, the Alpha AI lives about his days very tired and angry, surrounded by assholes.

The Blood Gulch Crew never forms, it never has a need to form, because things remain calm and boring at Blood Gulch.

Now, let’s talk about the effects this could have on the rest of the universe.

Namely, let’s talk about Tex, York, South, North, and all their respective AIs.  Because in a world without a group of idiots to clean up their messes long after they’ve been made, the Freelancers are going to have to start taking responsibility for their actions.

So, let’s say that Tex and York run into each other again, and come to an agreement:  Tex gets their help in getting rid of Omega permanently, and York and Delta never have to hear from her again.  This has some complications, namely:  Omega can fucking hear everything Tex is thinking, because… sharing a mind.  So they lose Omega.

It becomes a long streak of trying to track down Omega for a while, until they run into North, South, and Theta.  They all almost kill each other, then another deal is struck:  Help track down Omega, South gets to keep Omega if she really wants an AI that bad, and everyone goes their fucking separate ways.  Yay.

So, while on the hunt for Omega, Theta and Delta get genuine bonding time while everyone else is fucking tense around each other 101% of the time.  It’s amazingly awkward.

Things proceed like that for a while until Tex and North get captured and held prisoner by a group of mercenaries who had had Omega, and Tex had gotten so close to fucking getting that AI–but nope.  Victory was pulled just out from under her like it was a rug, and now she and North were locked up.

So it forces York and Delta and South to work together and South ends up venting about everything to Delta around half-way through the rescue attempt and Delta just sighs and tells South that she’s really not bad at destroying things.  She just needs to remember that life isn’t just a competition, and her brother, overprotective he may be, does care about her.  York just tries to ignore all of that while he lockpicks.

And North and Theta and Tex have a long talk while in their jail cell, where Tex admits the full truth of what she learned from CT’s dog tags and North and Theta both learn just how truly fucked up Project Freelancer was–is.  Theta also adopts Tex as his older sister.

So the parties meet back up, awkward discussions are had in-between kicking mercenary ass.

When the ordeal ends, North and South both admit they were never at their best during Project Freelancer, and both agree to try and talk to each other more.

Theta asks if he can have some time in South’s head.  Since, you know, South’s his sister too.

South agrees.

Theta ends up hopping from Dakota to Dakota a lot.  He likes them both.

South teaches him swear words, North disapproves.

They continue the hunt for Omega, kind of unsure where they all stand with each other now.  Because, well, they’ve become something different from what they were in Project Freelancer.

They’d started becoming something like a family.  An awkward, dysfunctional family, but living through a bunch of battles and saving each other from death helps with that a lot.

At some point, they run into Wyoming and Gamma, who were both working on trying to stop the war, as well as tracking down an old friend from their days in Freelancer.

The duo aren’t seen again, but years later, a letter comes to the newfound Freelancer household on Chorus from Butch and Reginald Flowers, showing a bunch of blue-armored people in an unknown room smiling and waving at a camera.  (You can see some people in warmer color shades being grumpy in the background.)

So it continues on like that until one day, they get a surprise visit from a dying former freelancer (like, maybe Georgia) who manages to get out a few words before he dies:

“The Meta… fuck the Meta.  Where the fuck did it even get that scary purple AI… ugh.  Hurk-blegh…”

Indeed, while the Freelancer&AI family has been traveling around, the Meta has been alive and kicking.  And it’s gotten a good deal of AI on its side.  Including Omega.

So now the objectives shift into figuring out what the fuck the Meta is.  Because they were all there, they all saw Maine–well, the Meta now, tear Carolina’s AIs out, saw it kill Carolina.  What did the Meta want with AI anyways?

Delta figures out the answer:  “The Meta wants to be a fully smart and metastable AI.”

But what goes into making an AI metastable?  None of them have a good answer for that, because, well, do you see any metastable AI?  No?  Me neither.

They continue their hunt for info on the Meta until it brings them face to face with Recovery One–Agent Washington.  

He’s his usual S6 crabby self.

None of the others are quite sure what to make of this new Wash, this hardened and changed Wash.  They have to wonder just screwed up his mind has been since Epsilon was in his head.

They force themselves to work together to bring down the Meta.  They also make a decision, one to get Epsilon and show his memories to the court so that the Director can be tried and held accountable for all the shit he has done to so many.

They go to the AI Storage Facility and save Epsilon, and realize just in time that the Meta has been following them.  Following them for a while.

So they split up.  South and Wash stay behind to distract the Meta and hopefully end the lives of the AI it’s taken, North, Theta, York, and Delta get away from this place with the Epsilon unit, and Tex follows behind to make sure no one tries to attack them.

By now, Tex has become very careful in what she lets herself do.  If it’s something that doesn’t matter to her or she’s doing for fun, she’s learned that she can win, easily.  If it’s something important, however, she’s figured out that she will always lose, just as she thinks she’s won.  So, in plans like these, she stays behind and lets other people do the important stuff.

Wash sets off the EMP.  The AIs the Meta was using to run its enhancements all die.  Wash, South, and the Meta all get arrested with the rest of almost all the known Freelancer personnel.  

York and Delta are quick to break South and Wash out of prison.  

Everyone regroups at an abandoned post in a place called “Valhalla”, before quickly agreeing that they, as a group, need to keep moving around for their personal safeties.

The Meta breaks out of prison.  They don’t learn about this until they nearly die by its hands on a cold mountain.  They manage to defeat it, to everyone’s surprise.

They leave the area soon after, not intending to be found by anyone.

But found they are.

Carolina finds them.

And there’s a lot of yelling, a lot of arguing, and a lot of just… freaking out in general.

York and Carolina talk while Delta goes offline.  York admits he’s had his bad moments and Carolina admits she’s had hers.  They work things out.  

Delta starts hopping into Carolina’s head after York’s prompting.  

It goes horribly, and Tex sighs in the background, wondering why they can’t just get Delta a robot body because the space needed between them all is obvious.

Tex and Carolina talk while watching a sun rise over water.  Carolina admits her perspective.  Tex admits hers.  They admit they don’t know each other.  They decide they’d like to learn.

They track down the Director.  Turns out he had gotten his hands on the Epsilon unit.

So, now they had to fight an army of Tex.  That sucked.

They buy Carolina and Tex enough time to get to where the Director is.

The two chew him out.  Tex almost– almost shoots him, but Carolina stops her.

Carolina’s pistol gets left behind in a quiet moment.

The odd family of 6 Freelancers and 2 AI leaves in a hurry while the facility shuts down.

The group watches the sun set as they hear from their comms the universe freak out over everything that Project Freelancer had done.

In time, they would crash-land on a planet, they would be its heroes who settled into a happy, stable civilian life.

But at that moment?  They were fragments and pieces Project Freelancer had left behind.  But they are more than that.

They are each others’ family.

Now has a part two: https://anya5544.tumblr.com/post/171660340170/i-love-the-flowers-survives-au-are-you-willing-to

[chasholidays]

you're so awesome for doing this! one of the highlights of my holiday season. i would love a bellarke izombie au! thanks so much

“You know, I knew you were a stubborn asshole, but this is a lot even for you.”

Bellamy doesn’t look at her, too busy attempting to navigate through traffic to turn his attention away from the road. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I can’t believe you didn’t let me eat the brain.”

It’s still a little disconcerting to be able to just say it, to have her secret out in the open, or at least open to Bellamy. After years of hiding and lying, justifying erratic behavior and inexplicable hunches, she can just say what she’s doing and why, and he’ll believe her. And, even more miraculously, he’s accepted it, doesn’t seem to have let it change his opinion of her.

Except this one thing.

“It’s not fair.”

“Not fair?” she asks, incredulous.

“It’s cheating,” he grumbles.

“Cheating.”

“Look, it’s not like I don’t–appreciate it,” he says, delicate. “You’re a great resource. You do amazing work. But it’s not police work.”

“Who cares? You didn’t care when you thought I was a psychic–”

“I never thought you were a psychic,” he says. “Come on, Clarke. I knew that was bullshit. I knew there was another explanation, I figured it was like Psych or something. You were just really observant or something.”

“And you let that go, but now that you know I’m–”

“It’s like using magic.”

“Which you’d do, if you had it. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t.”

He sighs, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “Look, this is hard for me, okay? Not–the zombie stuff, I’m dealing with. I get that. But I already felt like relying on you made me a shitty cop, and now it’s like finding out my lab partner did so well on homework because she had a copy of the answer key.”

“And that’s bad,” she says, mostly to fuck with him.

He takes his eyes off the road for a second to glare at her. “I don’t like cheating.”

“Okay, but–there’s no teacher. We’re catching murders, not doing assignments. Cheating doesn’t really apply. That’s not how it works. If it helps you do your job better–”

“Does it?” he asks, and from his tone, this is the real issue. The heart of the matter. “I’m not doing my job better. You are.”

“You’re doing it. I get–flashes. I don’t know everything. And even if I did, I don’t know how to make a conviction stick. I ate someone’s brain and gained their memories isn’t admissible evidence in court.”

“I just want to solve a case without–”

“Without me.”

He pulls into a parking spot and turns off the car, gives her a significant look. “If I wanted to do it without you, you wouldn’t be here. I think we’re a good team, but–it’s hard to be sure when you’ve been lying to me on every case.” She winces, and he sighs. “I get why, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t have believed you.”

“And I guess I get why it bothers you. But–you’re a great detective, Bellamy. Part of being a great detective is using all your resources.”

“Like my zombie partner who can see victims’ memories by eating their brains, yeah. I want to do this one right.”

“You’re such a Hufflepuff,” she teases.

“Shut up.”

“I’m just being thematic.”

“Don’t remind me.” He lets out a breath. “You ready?”

“Ready.”

Aside from her total lack of background memories from the victim, Clarke is excited for the job. If anyone had asked three years ago, she would have said she’d never be excited about investigating a murder, but people really can get used to anything. She has a good job that keeps her busy and satisfied, as well as providing her with a difficult-to-obtain and vital source of sustenance, all her friends are now aware of and accept her status as the undead, and she’s doing pretty well.

Besides, she’s bringing murderers to justice with one of her best friends, and this weekend they’re doing it at a Harry Potter convention. Who wouldn’t be excited about that?

Bellamy gets their bags out of the trunk with a sigh, which basically answers that question.

“I know you like Harry Potter, don’t pretend you don’t.”

“I like playing Hearthstone after work, that doesn’t mean I want to go to a tournament. Hardcore fans are scary. And it’s not just a Harry Potterconvention,” he adds. “That’s the fandom we’re representing, but there’s a lot more.”

“I know.” She grins. “And I’ll protect you. That’s the point of our cover, right? I’m the fan, you’re my long-suffering boyfriend.”

“That’s the plan, yeah.” He shoulders his bag and then hers before she can object. “Come on, let’s get this over with.”

*

Even without her skipping out on the brains, Clarke thinks this case would have felt like a test. It’s their first major case since Bellamy found out about her, and one where it’s just the two of them, away from home. They’re sharing a hotel room too, and that means Bellamy is going to have firsthand interaction with, well, her. For all they spend time together, he’s been spared the day-to-day realities of being a zombie. They’re work friends, and this isn’t them becoming friend friends, but it is a new level of intimacy.

And Clarke’s not opposed to an increase in intimacy. It’s just that she knows she’s not exactly easy to live with these days.

“You have to eat brains?” She can’t read his tone, but if he’s disgusted, he shows no sign of it. He might even be curious.

“Zombie. It won’t interfere with the case, but I don’t want to go too long without eating and risk losing control.”

He nods. “Yeah, I’d appreciate if you didn’t try to eat me.” He watches her for a second, and then adds, “So, what personality are you going to get this time?”

“Oh, no. I shouldn’t get one from this.”

“You shouldn’t?”

“Monty and I did some experiments, when I first–when it happened. Just figuring out how the memories showed up, how long the personality changes lasted, stuff like that. This brain has been completely frozen and then thawed, so it won’t have any effect on me. It’s purely nutritional.”

“Huh.” He drums his fingers on the table. “How did you decide to tell Monty?”

She smiles a little. “I didn’t. He figured it out, and he’s Monty, so he’s basically prepared for an eventual zombie apocalypse. At first I’m pretty sure he was expecting me to turn on him any day, but he was hoping if I did it would give him good data on how to fight the outbreak.”

“And he’s working on a cure, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you want that?”

She stares. “Are you kidding? Of course I do.”

“Just checking. I didn’t want to–” He runs his hand through his hair. “It sounds shitty to me, but I figured maybe there were pros that outweighed the cons or something. I didn’t want to say I hoped he found one and then find out that you like being a zombie.”

“You don’t have to worry so much about saying something wrong,” she says, gentle. “I get that it’s fucked up. If you need to freak out.”

“It’s freaky, yeah. But I figure you’ve been a zombie the whole time I’ve known you, so–” He shrugs. “You’re the same person I’ve worked with for years. Except when you’re not.”

“Except when I’m not?”

He gestures to the tupperware she’s eating from, half a smile on his lips. “The wild mood swings.”

“I figured if you really thought I was a psychic, you’d write it off as eccentricity. It’s not my fault you don’t believe in psychics.”

“Good way to get the attention off the zombie thing.” He clucks his tongue. “Okay, I’m going to go grab some food for myself. I assume you’re set.”

“Yeah. But if you want company, I’ll come with you.”

His smile is warm, the kind she doesn’t get from him very often. Maybe, now that everything is out in the open, she’ll get more. “Yeah, company sounds nice.”

*

“Okay,” she says the next morning. They have an hour before the con opens, which means plenty of time to come up with a plan. “So, we know the victim was very involved in–what fandom again?”

“She’s a cosplayer,” he says. “So she’s a part of that community more than a single fandom. A lot of her friends and associates are here, and she was involved in founding and planning the con. I’ve already talked to her family and friends, but we’ve been having trouble finding her online contacts. Or connecting their online and offline identities, I guess. So we’re going to be asking about Tenshi, not about Angela.”

“Did you ask Monty about this one? If anyone knows how the internet works–”

“If this doesn’t work we will. But she’s pretty well known, and she was posting on social media about being here. So if you ask about it, it’s not going to be suspicious.”

“So basically she’s my favorite cosplayer and I want to find out about her.”

“Yeah. And I’ve got a list of other cosplayers we’re looking at. Honestly, I’m just expecting a lot of buzz about her not being here, so we should pay attention and see what we can find out. And I’m hoping that’s going to let us figure out which of the other attendees are her friends and which ones we should be talking to formally.”

“You know what else would let us figure that out?”

“Good, old-fashioned detective work,” he says, firm, and she smiles.

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.”

On the one hand, it is hard to ignore how much easier this would be if Bellamy wasn’t being stubborn about the whole brain-eating thing. On the other, Clarke will admit that real detective work really isn’t so bad. Not that they don’t do real detective work the rest of the time, but it is a different vibe than their usual. It hadn’t occurred to her that Bellamy would feel like he wasn’t really working, when he took advantage of her information, but it’s not a surprise either, not now that she’s thinking about it. He is that kind of stubborn.

Pretending to be his girlfriend isn’t so bad either. She’s not convinced it’s necessary, or that it would draw attention if she and Bellamy were just two people enjoying the con together. But she’d be lying if she said she wasn’t enjoying it, holding his hand and leaning in close to talk. It’s stupid too, of course, kind of unspeakably so, because she can’t date anyone right now, not with the whole zombie issue, and she’s been trying hard to ignore how much she likes him.

But she really, really does. And now he knows everything, and he still seems to like her as much as he ever did. She’d always thought his finding out would lose her a job and a valued relationship, and knowing she still has both, that he’s still happy to be around her and values her, is a little overwhelming.

It’s probably good she doesn’t have to deal with anyone else’s brain on top of all that. It’s a busy enough weekend as it is.

Still, the case isn’t too bad, as they go. Bellamy has done enough legwork that he figures out the major players quickly, and between the two of them they put together a list of suspects and come up with a pretty decent timeline of what would have happened. They even get to enjoy the con some, after they arrest their suspect.

“I feel like I missed out on eating this one,” she muses, in the hotel room, and his eyebrows shoot up.

“What?”

“I could have made us costumes! It would have been cute. You’d make a great James Potter.”

“Thanks, I think.” He pauses, watching her. “It’s mostly just–presentation, right?”

“Presentation?”

“When you eat someone. It doesn’t change that much of what you do, just speech patterns and hobbies, basically. You don’t become another person.”

“No, not really. Sometimes I get–impulses, I guess? Stuff I wouldn’t want to do if I was just myself. But, yeah, it’s more like hobbies. It’s hard to explain. It doesn’t usually–I’m still myself, but different aspects get emphasized.”

“I guess that makes sense.” He clears his throat. “That was, uh–that was the part that gave me the most trouble. Not that the whole zombie thing wasn’t–it was all a lot to take in. But I felt like I’d never actually met you.”

“Really?”

He shrugs one shoulder. “How was I supposed to know which parts were you?”

“That’s why you wanted to make sure the stuff I was eating this weekend wouldn’t affect me.”

“I wanted to make sure I knew the real you, yeah.”

“And?”

“And you’re how I hoped you’d be. Except for the zombie thing,” he adds, careful.

“Not a zombie fan?”

“It complicates this plan I had to ask you out, yeah.”

If not for that complication, she’d kiss him. As it is, she just smiles. “It’s a little complicated, yeah. But–this is me, if you want to try to figure it out.”

He smiles back, takes her hand to give it a quick squeeze. “Yeah. I’d like that.”

[zoebechtle-blog]

Unlikely Chapter 10

I took Basil’s words to heart and thought intensely about how dating Niall would affect my life. I spent an evening searching online for girls he and his bandmates had dated - the reactions were daunting at best. Their lives were definitely thought to be public property, and everyone seemed to have an opinion. The women they were involved with were harassed and torn apart for every single move they made.  Rumors ranged from the absurd to downright cruel. It was suggested that a pregnancy was faked, that members were being closeted, and various girls had used members to further their own agendas for fame. It was frightening to say the least. And if I had an ounce of common sense and self-preservation, I would have sprinted off in the other direction (instead of one direction - snort). But I didn’t. I had to learn my lessons the hard way.

I stayed at Niall’s house a few more times over the next few weeks, and he at mine. He loved when I cooked for him courtesy of the recipe book Grandma B had made me when I moved away to school (he did inform me that his trainer, however, would hate me). I caught myself stocking up on Stella and his favorite snack, hummus and carrots. He replaced his regular sized bottles of bumble & bumble shampoo and conditioner with the economy sized ones, and I found a new flat iron and my favorite face wash on the counter in his bathroom. He’d even gone as far as stashing an emergency Cadbury bar in the house at all times, having survived the aftermath of me having a chocolate craving with nothing handy. We laid in bed at night telling each other stories, giggling or sometimes crying. Mornings after we spent the night together I'd wake up to him cuddled around me. He had no problem showing affection, if anything, he was handsy as hell. When he went out of town for a week and a half at the Masters and then a vacation, I genuinely missed him. So much. And that scared me more than anything.   

One night shortly after he’d returned from The Masters, he showed up at my door with a delivery guy and two flat screen TVs. The shocked look on my face only lasted a second, then immediately turned into a glare.  “Can I help you, Horan?”  I spread my arms across the door frame, blocking his entrance.  He and his lackey weren’t coming in unless I got a goddamn explanation.

“It’s a gift, Z!” he pleaded. I narrowed my eyes in response.  He pouted his plump little lips at me and shot me the most pathetic puppy dog eyes I’d ever seen.  I grabbed the collar of his light cotton henley and yanked him through the door.  “You - inside. You two wait here.”  Niall shot me a look and I rolled my eyes, huffing out a “please” to the stunned delivery men in my hallway.

Niall toed at the carpet inside my door, sheepishly glancing up at me as I paced in front of him.  “What the hell Niall?  A). I don’t want you spending money on me, and B). shouldn’t a gift be something I want and/or I would use? I don’t need a tv, let alone two of them! I don’t even have cable or anything to watch on the TV!” I threw my hands up in the air in exasperation. “You're being fucking ridiculous!”

“Yeah, about that…” He tried to look innocent and gave me a smile.

I froze and stared at him, slack-jawed and pissed.  “Seriously? You got cable for my flat?! I don’t watch TV! Netflix is all I need.”  

Niall reached out and took my hands in his mitt-sized palms and softly stroked across my knuckles.  “I can’t watch golf or footie on Netflix, petal.” Petal. I was quickly learning this was his nickname to pacify me. And it usually worked because honestly, how cute is that?

“You’re kidding me. So you want to come over here just to watch sports?”

He gave me a smarmy grin, “Gotta have something to watch while you’re sucking me off.”

I literally growled at him and pushed his shoulders while he laughed. “C’mon, I was waiting here for an hour the other night when ya got stuck behind that accident coming home. And I get bored when you take a shower.”

I crossed my arms with a pout, “You could always JOIN me in the shower.”

His shit eating grin lit up his face and his pure blue eyes glowed, “Sure, after I check the scores.”  He pressed a kiss to my cheek while I was frozen in place still pouting at his antics.  He flung the front door open and waved to the delivery men to come in.  “This way gentleman!  The lady will be keeping the TVs!”

The next Tuesday night I was surprised to hear the TV playing when I went to unlock my door. Niall hadn’t told me he was coming over. And yes, he had a key - it was just easier.

“Honey, I’m hooooome.” Rory McIlroy was being interviewed on the screen (Christ, I knew golfers by name now), so I knew he couldn’t be far away. He stuck his head out of the kitchen, and I jogged over to him, throwing my arms around his neck. When I leaned in for a kiss, I noticed his face was red and his hair looked like he’d been yanking it out by the roots. Also, he looked like he was going to throw up.

“Are you okay? Are you sick?” I backed away slowly. Being sick was not on my agenda for this week, and I really didn’t want to take care of someone with the man flu. I could only imagine how whiny Niall would be.

“No. Just gotta talk to ya about something.” The thumbnail went into his mouth, and I felt my stomach drop. He hadn’t seemed this wrecked about something since he told me about the girl in LA. Oh Christ. He’d been in the States and the Bahamas a few weeks ago. Had he done something stupid? I looked around for the nearest blunt object in case I needed to hit him.

“The Daily Mail has pics they’re going to publish tomorrow…” My stomach dropped instantly.

“Pics of WHOM, NIALL?!” My voice edged up up a notch, and was very loud. My hands had turned into little blocks of ice, and I could feel my cheeks on fire. Now I was going to be the one to throw up. All of my physical anxiety symptoms in less than ten seconds. A new record.

He rubbed his hand over his face and pulled roughly at his hair.  “Us. At quiz night last week. You sitting on my lap when Paul was cleaning up the spilled pint, a couple of us kiss-” I instantly relaxed my shoulders and let out a breath.  Niall registered my reaction and it dawned on him why I was so worked up.  “Jesus Christ, Zoe, did you think I was going to tell you they were pics of me and another girl?!”

I slid down and sat on the floor of my kitchen because my legs felt like jello. They were pics of us, doing normal couple stuff. That I could handle. Niall squatted in front of me, picking up my chin.

“Did ya really think I was going to tell you they were pics of me with someone else? Z, no baby. I told you that.” The hurt expression on his face almost broke my heart. I couldn’t lie to him, so I shrugged.

“I don’t know. I just walked in and you were freaking out, and said pictures, and, I don’t know. I’m sorry. I just spazzed. The last time I saw you like this you told me about the girl in LA. I don’t remember anyone taking pictures of us.” Tears welled up in my eyes, threatening to spill down my cheeks at any moment.  I hated the broken look on his face. I leaned up to stroke his cheek. “You shouldn’t bend like that, it’s bad for your knee.

“Yeah, usually you don’t know they’re being taken,” he moved into a sitting position across from me so our legs were touching. “I’d like to bitch slap the person that invented a fucking camera on a phone.” I let him pull me closer into a comforting hug.

Then I heard my toilet flush and I jumped a foot. “What the fuck?”

“Oh, Christ. Yeah. Bas is here. We need to figure out what’s going on. Kimmy is on her way, too.” Alright, Basil just shit in my bathroom, which hadn’t been cleaned since last year, and Niall’s manager whom I’ve never met was on her way to my house. Ace.

By the time Kimmy (who was bloody adorable) arrived, Bas, Niall, and I were all two drinks into the night. Niall had called to order us Thai, but my stomach was in no shape to eat. “Got ya some coconut soup - think that’ll stay down?” He whispered in my ear, obviously having heard me wretch in the bathroom. I laid my head on his shoulder, and he played with my hair, chatting with Bas about golf, and gnawing on his hand. I knew it was going to be a clusterfuck, but honestly, seeing him tear himself apart was worse. I grabbed his hand out of his mouth and kissed it.

Once the food arrived, everyone tucked in but me. These people obviously weren’t blessed with the nervous stomach gene.

“Okay, so what do we do? There’s no way to stop them, is there?” I started off.

“Short of an injunction, no.” Kim looked at me over her noodles. “And injunctions are saved for big shit, like the time the Daily Star alluded to Niall having a crack problem.”

“It was meth, not crack,” he corrected.

I raised an eyebrow at her, and turned to the boy on my left. “Junkie.”

“This kind of thing is probably best if we don’t respond. We’ve made it a point to not comment on Niall’s personal relationships in the past. It worked when Greg caused a fuss, and with all the Selena rumors.” I nodded at Kim, and Niall squeezed my hand.

Bas leaned forward. “Zoe, it’s going to be like I told you before. The stuff being said about you won’t be nice. And your entire life is going to be on Twitter within an hour. You’d probably do best to stay offline the next few days. And take a few vacation days from work.” I could feel Niall tense next to me.

“No, I can’t do that.” All eyes turned to me. “I mean, yeah, I’ll stay offline. But I can’t take random days off with no notice. It’ll leave everyone in a lurch. My kids don’t handle change well. Me not being there will fuck everything up.”

“I understand, but I don’t thi-”

“Bas, she said no.” Niall’s voice was harsh. “See if we can get someone to drive her to and from.”

“Not necessary. I don’t need a damn driver.”

“Z, we’ve been through this, babe. Let me do this.” Niall looked annoyed and tired, and almost pleading. I nodded. I can play nice.

Basil tried again, “I’d feel better if you stayed at the house at least the next couple of nights. It minimizes your exposure.”

“Okay. But only if he,” pointing to Niall, “agrees to make me breakfast.” No one really laughed at my obvious attempt of a joke. Lame.

“About your social media, then.”

“I deleted Facebook and Twitter after we talked.” Niall looked at me with wide eyes. Obviously he hadn’t noticed my missing tweets. “Instagram is only people I know personally. And I removed anything that could be considered risque. I’ve only used SnapChat a handful of times. There’s LinkedIn, but that’s basic shit.” I’d spent one evening last week trying to clean up my digital footprint. I’m sure I did a horrible job, but at least basic info seekers were taken care of.

Basil nodded at me. Dare I say he looked a little appreciative? “You might want to let your family know this is coming. They very likely will get calls. And your close friends.”

“Okay.” Now to wait for my life to explode.

I said goodbye to Kimmy, and went into my room to pack for a few days at Casa del Horan. As I was trying to decide what shoes to take, I sent a group text to my crew. Niall laid across the bed, watching.

“FYI, pics of N and I are being published trmw.”

“If ppl come calling, please only use your best insults.”

“(Also, fuck me. Everyone is freaking out and I don’t know what to do.)”

Hannah offered to fight anyone that messed with me. Carly had her back. The most helpful advice, as always, was from Paul. “You’re going to become internet hated!”

     I laid down next to Ni, tucking my face into his neck. “Is this really going to be that big of a shit show? Fans seem to like you a lot and you've never had a lot of drama.”

     “Been checking up on me, yeah? No, not much drama. We don't have a lot to base off of-I've only publicly dated a few girls.”

I tried to explain to my mom what was going on. She knew I had a boyfriend and that he was a singer, but she had no idea who he was or his popular culture standing. Her knowledge of music ended in 1984. She’d spoken to him on the phone once when he answered for me as I tried to unlock the door, and couldn’t understand anything he said because of his accent. She could not grasp that it was a big deal that pictures of him with me would cause an uproar. Finally, I gave up and just asked her not to speak to anyone about me, and to tell my dad and brother the same. They were definitely the liabilities.

Bas drove us back to Niall’s where I ended up watching Anchorman for the eighth time with Willie and Deo while catching up on some paperwork (that had been my plan for the evening until picturegate blew up). The boys were obviously aware of what was going on-Deo had bought me Ben and Jerry’s and Willie produced a bottle of wine. Niall wandered in and out of the room on the phone, pulling his hair and raising his voice. His normally animated face was in a scowl so deep that I feared it would be permanent. However the more I got used to the idea of the pictures, the less I found myself caring. If this was going to be real, then eventually we were going to be spotted. It wasn’t my style to live my life in the shadows, and I loved Niall (a fact I still hadn’t actually worked up the ovaries to tell him). People were going to have something to say - I knew that the second I looked up Louis’ girlfriend. But my skin was fairly thick. I’d spent 20 years hating myself, and the past few trying to reverse all those negative emotions. It would take a lot more than nasty people on the internet to drag me back down. Also, I basically had majored in avoidance of real life issues.

I ended up falling asleep alone in Niall’s gigantic bed. I’d gone in for some quiet after the movie and conked out. When I woke up around midnight to use the bathroom, I could hear him talking to his cousins in the living room. I padded down the hallway to try and convince Niall to come to bed, but stopped just as I was about to step into the living room. He sounded wrecked and absolutely unlike himself. Their voices were low enough that I knew instantly they were having an important conversation.  So, like any self-respecting anxiety-prone adult, I eavesdropped.

“There’s no going back after this, ya know?  It’s never gonna be the same.  She things she’s prepared, but…”  He let out a groan and I could hear his body flop back against the couch cushions.  Willie took a deep breath and tried to reassure him.  I knew Willie had my back, but my heart still warmed as he spoke.  “Niall, you’ve gotta trust her a little, son.  Zoe’s tough as nails when she needs to be.  Give her some credit yeah?  She forgave your dumb ass for runnin’ off to the coast and getting your dick wet, I think she can handle some jealous teen girls on the internet.”  I choked down a laugh, making a mental note that I owed Willie a pint or three. Niall let out a deep sigh and I strained closer to hear him clearly.

“Mate, I’m serious.  What the fuck am I gonna do if she runs? I love her, Will. Been in love with her since the night she wore my hat.”

I covered my mouth. We barely knew one another then. Well, he knew way more about me than I did about him. My heart shattered as I realized he didn’t get how strongly I felt about him. Talking about my feelings wasn’t exactly my strong suit, but I clearly I needed to get my head out of my ass and quick. I retreated silently back to his room and crawled under the covers, my mind reeling from the emotional toll of the evening. When Niall finally came to bed, I curled up next to him, silently trying to relay my emotions through my fingertips and onto his skin.  I traced the dark stubble across his jaw, pressing gently into the dimple in his chin.  He squeezed my hip, pulling my body towards him while I continued trailing my hands down his neck and arm.  Drawing in a shaky breath I whispered softly, “It’s going to be ok Ni. We’re going to be ok.”  I felt his body sink into the mattress with relief and without another word he rolled me onto my back and pressed himself along the length of my body. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and we held each other, sharing soft touches and gentle kisses. Propping himself up on his elbows he rested his forehead against mine. “I need ya, Z.” I pressed my lips to his instantly, murmuring a “yes” into his mouth.

We made love slowly, purposefully. I could see in his eyes that there were a million and one things he wanted to tell me, but couldn’t. He was trying to confess his feelings to me the only way he knew how. As his thrusts became less precise I could feel myself getting closer to the edge of my release. When I finally came, I called out his name, but it might as well have been a declaration of love the way my heart nearly burst with emotion. As I watched him come undone above me, his face illuminated by the moonlight peeking through the blinds, I knew he was it. He was my forever.

The emotion was still heavy in his room as we recovered from our tryst so I took the opportunity to bring us back to normal by acting like a complete jackass.

“Ni?”

“Yeah, babe.” I was lying on his chest with a leg thrown over his thighs, nuzzling his chest.

“Promise me something?” He tensed a bit, and kissed my forehead.

“Anything.”

“Will you always look at me like I’m the prettiest girl at the party? Sort of like it’s 2014 and I’m Harry Styles?”

There was a beat of complete silence before he looked over at me and rolled his eyes.  “Jesus.  Fucking.  Christ.”  He scoffed and pushed my pillow over my face as I dissolved into giggles. “I’m going to block YouTube on your phone, ya nutter.”

True to my promise to Bas, I did not get online Wednesday or Thursday other than work email. Of course, people found their way into my official inbox, and I had to talk to our IT department about setting up blocks. The subject lines alone were almost amusing in their vitriol, “Fat Cunt Leave Niall Alone!” “Skank” and my personal favorite, “Niall Wouldn’t Suck Your Dick”. Someone needed an anatomy lesson. There were a few photographers outside of the clinic, and Phil, a security guard assigned to Zoe detail (I asked for a cool nickname like the Secret Service use and he shook his head at me) took me out of the backdoor. It could have been better, but it could have sucked more.

I insisted on going to quiz night. This was my routine and my life, and by God, no one was going to stop me. Niall and Bas probably wanted to murder me, but for the most part I’d gone along with their wishes, so they could stand to cut me some slack. I tried hard to ignore all the new faces at the pub, having a feeling they were there just for me. Niall was already there, chatting with Paul and Deo when I arrived. He looked relieved, and I gave him a huge smile. Might as well give the people what they’re asking for, I thought, as I kissed him hello. And gave him an ass grab.

“Thirsty, hmmm?” He murmured in my ear. PDA wasn’t usually my thing, but there’s always an exception to the rule.

“A little,” I conceded. “Waking up next to you in the morning starts my day off on a very different foot than I’m accustomed to.” He smiled against my cheek. I turned to head to the bathroom confident in my feminine charms. Then I ran into the front of Basil, who was carrying three pints to the table. Well, make that two pints since one was dripping down the front of my shirt. Son of a bitch. Niall’s laugh echoed through the bar.

When I returned to the table, several rounds with the hand dryer later, Niall was shoving his phone back into his pocket, and had a smirk on his face that I didn’t trust.

“So help me, you’d best not be ready to make fun of the fact that I reek of yeast and hops.”

“Not at all, petal. Not at all.” That fucking smile. He was up to something. It was one of the first genuine smiles I’d seen from him in two days, though, so I’d let it be. Then I noticed that Paul looked terrified. And Hannah was shaking her head. Curious, I quirked an eyebrow at her.

“Don’t look at me. I just walked in, I had nothing to do with it.”

“With what?” I whipped my head to Niall and Paul, and caught Deo trying to hold in a laugh. “What did you do?”

“Please don’t hit me, Z,” Paul begged. Well that pretty much cemented the fact that I was going to want to.

“What.did.you.do.? Paul Anthony Byers, you’d best come clean right now! And remember,” I gestured to a laughing Bas, “I have security now!” I was terrified. And Niall was giggling next to me.

“I didn’t know he didn’t know!” Paul was pleading.

“C’mon, Z. Don’t be so CUMBERsome,” Deo spit out.

“Baby, do you want eggs BENEDICT in the morning?” Niall was officially slapping his knee he was laughing so hard.

I turned to Paul with bugged eyes. “Oh my fucking God, YOU TOLD HIM?” My voice was just shy of screeching.

“He was commenting on how well you were taking his fans wanting to burn you in effigy! I just said it was because you had some firsthand experience with fangirl problems!” Paul tried to hide behind Han, who scooted away. I buried my scorching face on the table.

“So, Cumberbatch, huh?” Niall was cracking up in my ear.

“Shut up. He’s an exemplary actor.”

“So much so that you drove out to Cardiff to watch them film?” Niall had his face propped up on his hand and he was smirking at me wickedly.  It took every ounce of willpower I had not to slap that stupidly gorgeous smirk off his stupidly beautiful face.

Paul took my hesitation as an invitation to humiliate me further.  “On more than one occasion! And waited outside the stage door after a performance of Hamlet.” Paul was ever so helpful. I pointed my finger at him. I think he was confident about that fact that I hadn’t jumped over the table yet. And ever the ham, he realized that Niall was enjoying it, so he added, “The week he announced his engagement she was going to delete her Twitter. He clutched at his heart, and screwed up his face in an unbelievable shitty impression of me.  ‘Paulie, it just hurts too much!’”

There it was. My fangirl shame. I was a Cumberbitch. And my boyfriend, whose face had launched a thousand ships, found it hysterical.

“So I relate to your fans. Sue me,” I sniffed, crossing my arms across my chest.  I looked like a petulant toddler.  With boobs.

“Aw, petal, don’t be like that,” he wrapped his arms around me. “Just tell me you’re not into slash, okay?”

I would not confirm or deny. (Sherlock + Watson = 4eva)

[thatchoiboy]

Fanfiction Recommendations [GOT7] I

Having trouble looking for some good fanfictions? I'll try my best to put the fanfics you are looking for on this list! {the ones I listed here are the ones I've already read or currently reading} [fanfictions belongs to owners] i have a lot more than the ones i have listed here but this is only the first one. I'll do more kpop groups fic rec besides got7~ Please like or reblog if this helped you in some ways. I spent more than 8 hours doing this (and im hella tired) and typing a lot so i appreciate if you atleast like it. if there's a specific group and a specific ship you want me to do fic recs.. ask away! :D For now, enjoy~~ GOT7 [on asianfanfics] ~ 2jae -> OPERATION: LOVE by UnGodlyHours description : When a diligent agent threw his life away to pursue an "impossible" mission, he vowed to get it over with as soon as possible without any strings attached. However, his careless gambling led to an unexpected development in the agent's relationship with his target. This development seems to be the reason that's stalling the agent from completing his assignment. But he isn't even complaining. status: completed ~ markjin -> OPERATION: HATE (PREQUEL) by UnGodlyHours description : Park Jinyoung grew up lavished in wealth and luxury. Never has anyone dared laid a hand on the demanding young master. Mark Tuan grew up far away from his loving family. Never has he ever taken liking to rich spoiled brats. status : ongoing ~ 2jae -> OPERATION: US (SEQUEL) by UnGodlyHours description : Madly in love with his husband, Jaebum does everything to please him and everything to protect him. Happily in love with his husband, Youngjae would willingly give up his life for him in a heartbeat. And there's Mark and Jinyoung, the ideal of two husbands who are deeply in love with each other. status : ongoing ~ 2jae -> Daddy, Are You There? by UnGodlyHours description : A single dad. A very sassy five-year-old. And a beauty with a soft heart for kids. status : completed ~ 2jae -> Dangerous Game by chocopieyj description : Youngjae isn't a kid anymore. He doesn't play games with his friends like he used to. But there's a game; a game that he was forced to learn, a game that's not fun but is fruitful. An adults game with only one rule: Don't fall in love. Never. status : ongoing [M] ~ 2jae -> All I Want by deffsouls description : Youngjae was an observer. No, he wasn't the class weirdo looking out of place, but also wasn't anything like the person he was in love with. It would be best to describe him as a mere outsider. He couldn't even be considered a supporting character, but 'narrator' fitted him well since he never had his own story to tell, always focusing on people around him. Never himself. Had Youngjae known what would happen later, he would've remained that way. status : ongoing [M] ~ 2jae -> You can be the boss by deffsouls description : The moment his father died, Youngjae knew something was off. There was no way a boss would have let himself killed that easily, much less with no clues left behind. Completely alone with the family business to run, now it was up to him to put the pieces of the puzzle together, find the culprit and take revenge. As he goes down a deranged path, secrets from present and past start to emerge, making Youngjae start to question if everything he had been through until that day was really due to fater or merely family business. "Of all the gin joints, in all the towns in all the world, he walks into mine." status : ongoing [M] ~ JJP -> The Im Family by Jheiaa description : Stories about parents Jaebum and Jinyoung, going about their daily lives, as they figure out parenthood ft. little ball of sunshine Youngjae. status : ongoing ~ 2jae -> Red Sky by chocopieyj description : The sky was painted blue the day they met. When he realized how false that color was. How unreal was the world he was living in. Then, everything turned into a bloody red. A crimson sky shared with him. status : ongoing [M] ~ 2jae -> Thank you for being born by MBLAQloveu description : a/n status : ongoing ~ 2jae -> Love You to Death by immskx description : Everyone knows JB and JR are a "thing". Its not hard to see that. But no one knows what happens when night falls, and the door to JB and Youngjae's bedroom closes. No one knows that Youngjae's the one that takes all the stress away from JB... That's he's the one that loves JB through all his flaws. The one that follows without any question... No one knows. And it seems as if JB wants it that way. status : ongoing [M] ~ markjae/yugjae/markgyeom -> Pic Me! by Choseong description : Mark is one of the best photographer in his division he got a tip that Yugyeom was going to a love cafe. Yugyeom's interest is the pastery chef. Mark's interest is him. status : ongoing [M] ~ 2jae -> Home by purplenekochan description : Youngjae loves Jaebum and Jaebum loves him back. Youngjae knows he loves Jaebum more than Jaebum loves him and he is okay with that. Their friends think Jaebum does not love Youngjae enough, until a certain Mark Tuan came into the picture and proved everyone wrong. status : ongoing ~ 2jae -> Fallen by nairneverasi description : Youngjae is a first year student at university. Despite his tough family background, he is cheerful and lively. With his best friend who's called Yugyeom, they survived the first trimester. However, things happen to become more dangerous and exciting. Youngjae gets to know Jaebum, the handsome senior, who has a girlfriend. Apparently, the last two trimesters seem to be adventureous but risky as well. status : completed ~ markjin -> Dreams of the devil by Miyakolzumi description : When Park Jinyoung, a science freak in his second year of high school, is suddenly pulled into a different world full of supernatural creatures that attend school together, he wakes up in the bed of a handsome young man that calls himseld the devil's son and Jinyoung can't quite deal with it all. status : ongoing [M] ~ 2jae -> Rewind by belonika description : [college!AU] The struggles of sharing a dorm room with someone unaware of his cuteness and its effect on the poor roommate. status : ongoing ~ 2jae -> My Unsociable Sub by markjincupid description : They say 'opposite poles attract.' Maybe that's the reason why Jaebum, a very confident, filthy rich and straight forward guy, felt a massive pull towards the unsociable and shy employee of his company, Youngjae. Trying to be comfortable with his ever so persistent and demanding boss wasn't at all easy but can Youngjae still keep with the progress between them when he finds his gorgeous boss was a dominant? Much more when Jaebum tells him he wants him to be his submissive. Will Youngjae run away? Or will his undeniable submissiveness gave in to temptation? status : ongoing [M] ~ 2jae -> Blood Scent|2jae by Orenji-Senpai description : His eyes, nose, and dark stained red lips. I want him to be mine but I'm afraid to bruise his pale skin. I want to show him the real me but I'm afraid he would fear me. I want to protect him but I'm afraid he would question me. I want to kiss him but I'm afraid he would reject me. What can I do to please make your scent mine? status : ongoing ~ 2jae/yugbam/markjin -> An Unexpected Happenstance by beeayypee description : No one knew that seven typically sexually frustrated and chaotic boys from all walks of like would make a messy outcome. No one knew these bunch would prosper their way through high school, together. No one knew they were desperately suffereing to fit into the society. No one. status : ongoing ~ yugbam -> We Got Married by YugBam97Lover description : The maknae couple secretly got married. And it's up to older boys to keep it a secret from the public and JYP. status : completed [M] part of "GOT7 ENGAGEMENT SERIES" ~ 2youngjae -> baby bear by choimiah description : Youngjae knows that it's abnormal, unconventional, and downright filthy. But he loves the rush of being ogled and desired and the center of anyone's universe. He can't help the thrill of stretching himself on camera and having someone thousands of miles away or even blocks away from losing themselves because he's doing everything right. Call it a guilty pleasure or secret addiction, but all Youngjae knows is that he likes being pampered and objectified and everything that comes with is. However, Youngjae isn't dim; he knows there are sickos out there wanting to do things to him even he can't get off at (and please believe, there are many things he can get off at). So when users bigpapa and sweetpeach approach him about an arrangement offline, Youngjae is rightfully hesistant. His terms are that their first meetin be in a public place with lots of people. Little could he have known he would wish that nobody were around at all because no two people have ever made him feel like such a Little before. status : ongoing [M] ~ 2jae -> Then Elope With Him!!! by got7_jae description : Jackson came up with a good idea on how Jaebum can retrieve his Youngjae from Mark. Jaebum's boyfriend had an idea too but none of it works. Thank goodness their Jinyoung-eomma knows how to cook meatball spaghetti! status : completed ~ 2jae -> Sweet As Sugar (sour as lemon) by Darthkouhai description : He's the residential "bad boy", cold glare to match his leather jackets and multiple piercings. Guys are afraid of him, girls love him. He's the heartbreaker, so there's no way he's in love-- "Hyung?" Youngjae looks over at him with a sunny grin that makes Jaebum's heart jump to his throat. Oh fuck. status : ongoing ~ markjin -> The Office Ban by KVNGMARK description : What happens when Park Jinyoung becomes the rookie of a top music company in Seoul? The CEO of this renowned company Mark Tuan- rumored to be a mysterious man, made a great first impression on the rookie. After that day, Jinyoung couldn't help but feel his heart race whenever they encountered each other. Mark took interest in the newbie after realizing the similarities he had with him. Once Jinyoung was informed of the "No Office Romance" rule, his mind eased a little until he came face to face with Mark again. The two began to fall for one another but with conflicts rising against them, mishaps were bound to happen. status : ongoing [M] ~ 2jae -> The Third Favor. 2jae edition by Wookiell description : Jaebum was a regular high school student, thinking about college and completely bored of life. He wasn't what you could call 'sociable'. Mostly because that's how his nature was and in part because his only three friends were at the other side of the world, yet he didn't really need more of them. Well you could say books were his unconditional friends. That's why he always spend all the time he got at the school's library; making himself happy with the new book he could find to read. He loved swimming across the never-ending shelfs full of books, serching for one which satisfice his curiousity and hunger for something interestiing... and maybe it was fate when one particular afternoon he found the most intriguing book he have ever seen, leading him to accidentally summon one demon as bored as Jaebum, with the same hunger for something interesting to do. status : ongoing ~ markson/2jae -> Thirst Has No Curfew by Alex-su description : Mark and Jackson hooked up a few months backand have fooled around since. Oh, and Mark's boss has been trying to get him to meet (read: date) her son. status : completed (for the markson part) ongoing (for the 2jae part) [M] ~ markjin -> How to Tame a Playboy by markenjin description : Mark Yien Tuan thinks everyone's hearts is a game he could always win and Park Jinyoung doesn't want a game he could lose so he decided to tame the player. status : completed [M] ~ markjin -> I Tamed the Playboy by marknejin description : How to Tame a Playboy sequel status : completed [M] ~ markjin -> Daddies'Day Out by markenjin description : It's not only marriage that can bind two people with full time responsibilities, it can be a two feet walking human wearing an oveersized banana jumper. status : ongoing ~ markgyeom/2jae -> Lamia by IHNFL14 description : Yugyeom is a wizard in training and everything is well until he meets a human boy named Mark. After that everything goes downhill, along with Jaebum. status : ongoing ~ 2jae -> The Boy Who Cried Murder by choimiah description : Just the word prison would send shivers racing through anyone. As it should. But, the only thing Youngjae feels is an overwhelming sense of home. Youngjae can paralyze a human in under thirty seconds just by pinching designated pressure points along the spine and throat. He knows the proper technique of handling a firearm, always intending to immobilize but never kill. He also has the ability to weaponize basically any common object if need be. Yeah, his grandfather taught him some things. And Youngjae never thought he'd have to utilize what he's learnt. That is until a certain waltzes into his life and flips his sedentary existence on its side. Jaebum, Im. Voluntary Manslaughter. Sentence: --- TBD. status : ongoing [M] ~ 2jae -> Sneezy Hyung by cily265 description : Choi Youngjae is a loud kid from the countryside who moves in next to Im Jaebum to the city. Jaebum or 'JB' is not a pervert, but when he has sexual thoughts he has a sneezong fit. It's his little 'dirty' secret, but he's not the only one that has things to hide. status : ongoing ~ 2jae -> Seven Days by cluelesspanda description : Youngjae likes Jaebum. Jaebum is known to date those who confess to him. But it only lasts a week. Youngjae knows this and yet he still wants to try. status : ongoing ~ 2jae -> Because he's mine by KpopOwl description : Jaebum is the spoiled son of a rich househi=old, his days are wasted in every single activity that is sure to piss off his awful step-father. Youngjae grew up in an orphanage and right before he turns eighteen he is illegaly adopted and then sold to a rich family he knows nothing of. They will end up save and free each other. status : ongoing [M] ~ markjaeson ft 2jae and JJP -> Take A Picture (itll last longer) by Darthkouhai description : He was in college, he was jobless, and he was broke; so what was a boy to do? The pay was good and it was anonymous, so he wasn't going to complain- and hey, he looked mighty fine in a dress. status : ongoing [M] ~ markson/yugbam/JJP -> Safety Inn by tearyxz description : Welcome to Safety Inn, where all guests are guaranteed a safe and comfortable stay. status : ongoing ~ 2youngjae -> I want to be with you by TWINpower description : Youngjae likes Jinyoung, Jinyoung likes Jaebum, and Jaebum.... well you will see xD Will their feelings change? status : ongoing ~ 2youngjae -> Trinity by Jheiaa description : Jinyoung and Jaebum finally find the person who makes their triquetra soulmate marks complete. status : ongoing (hiatus) [M] ~ 2jae -> Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me. by Jheiaa description : In which every customer has a crush on Dream Bean's sweet, oblivious sunshine barista Youngjae, Jaebum is having none of it, Yugyeom tries to teach Kunpimook about the wonderful world of latte art, Jinyoung is being a mom, the king of pick-up lines Jackson is playing matchmake and Marks is 100% done with everyone status : ongoing (hiatus) ~ 2jae -> Words That Start With P by Unnie19 description : Pain starts with P. Pleasure starts with P. And Jaebum's favourite word that leaves Youngjae's lips when he's begging "Pl-please..", Also starts with P. status : ongoing [M] ~ 2jae -> Expoloding Bonbons & Butterbeer by Retr0spect desciption : Cute Hufflepuff Choi Youngjae has a crush on the Gryffindor Quidditch team captain. status : ongoing ~ jackjaeyoung -> soft radical by choimiah description : Youngjae never thought she's spend her summer doing anything more than writing poetry inspired by her almost too vivid daydreams, binge-watching entire dramas until she start sleeptalking horribly greasy pick-up lines, and sketching on her bedroom walls; but her sleepy, overcast summer takes an exciting derailment when a new boy moves in across the street who apparently likes to throw quiet ragers of one late at night and frustrate Youngjae to the point where she ventures out of her safe bubble and into his strange, little world. status : ongoing [M] ~ 2jae -> The No. 1 Fan by got7_jae description : Im Jaebum and Park Jinyoung meets JJ Project's one and only no. 1 fan: Choi Youngjae. status : completed ~ 2jae/markjin/jackbam -> All the things he said by TWINpower description : Youngjae, Mark and Bambam were adopted by a pervert when they were really young. When they finished a proper age the man started to use them sexually and after some time they got use to it. Now they can't even live a day without sex, they all have a mental problem called satyriasis. status : ongoing [M] ~ markjae -> 9,606 Kilometers by _acee_ description : Ever since Choi Youngjae was born, he has a watch on his left wrist that cannot be removed. 9606, it read. A little did he knew that it as the total distance between him and his fated soulmate. Everytime the numbers would decrease, his heart would lit up with joy and wished that it would decrease more. He longed to see his fated soulmate even though they're 9,606 kilometers apart. status : completed ~ 2jae -> Just stay by cant_stop_kpop description : This is a romantic comedy about got7, specifically 2jae. status : completed ~ JJP/yugjin/jackbam/markjae -> OMG! (Oh My Girl) by silverpixie120 description : The unpopular Jinyoung, Youngjae, and Bambam were cross-dressing for School Festival. They weren't aware that it attracted the popular Mark, Jaebum, Jackson, and Yugyeom. And slowly brought them further to something they never thought of before. status : ongoing ~ 2youngjae -> Three's A Company by Darthkouhai description : Between Jaebum's hand tugging at his hair and Jinyoung's fingers digging into his hips, Youngjae can't move, stuck at the mercy of his two hyungs. Neither of them want to let up, seeming to move rougher with every need noise Youngjae let's out. He wouldn't- couldn't complain. Not when it felt so good, not when he wanted more. status : completed [M] ~ 2jae/markbum/JJP -> You're Mine (넌 내꺼야) by Bluetick description : Jaebum received hundred of letter from nameless person with the same content - You're Mine -. He tried to ignore until one day when things are getting out of hand. status : completed ~ markjin -> Hyungdo Massacre by markenjin description : Mark Tuan, a young gifted detective, tries to solve the mysterious unsolved case that happened 10 years ago which murdered 12 families in their compound including his family. Finding the murderer and his beloved best friend, Jinyoung, who was actually the 'lost boy' in the said incident were his ultimate motive in solving the case. status : completed [M] ~ 2youngjae -> There's Room Enough For Three by Darthkouhai description : It's a pleasant (albeit unexpected) surprise when Jaebum comes back to his dorm the next day to a bright smile (was it shining? Probably) and an even brighter greeting. His roommate was in the process of moving a few boxes into the vacant room when Jaebum opened the door, so at first Jaebum only sees the back of his body. Maybe this wasn't so bad after all? status : ongoing ~ 2jae -> the boy who lost his phone by KwangYoungShipper description : *BAM* "Ah-Mianhae!" Youngjae bowed as quickly to the person he bumped into and ran out of the library "I'm so late, Jin's going to kill me" Jaebum blinked as the stranger ran away in such a rush and stared at the floor, seeing an iPhone just laying there. status : completed ~ JJP/markbum -> Connection by itspoppynada description : Mark is a new pediatrician who works for his family hospital. He meets Jaebum when he is treating his son, and their first meeting is not very pleasant. But since then, Mark has been sensing a weird presence of a gentle-looking guy, which is not seen by anyone else. Later he finds out that the guy has something to do with Jaebum and his son, which lead him to start to care for the family. status : ongoing ~ JJP/markson -> mission log : unit seven description : 003. there's not really much of a question about it- jinyoung would die to save any other member of unit 7. the discovery that they would do the same for him shouldn't set him om edge this much, except it does, but figuring that out isn't high on his list of priorities right now. unfortunately for him though, someone tries to change that. status : ongoing ~ 2jae -> Netflix & Chill? by aka-jongups description : In which Jaebum invited Youngjae over for a simple movie night. But something else happens while the younger visits his classmate, who laso happends to be the guy he likes. status : completed ~ 2jae/markson -> The Compelling Adventures of Thot7 by darkalley description : Youngjae blames Jackson and jinyoung for getting him in this shit entirely. status : ongoing [M] ~ 2jae -> 62 Detour Lane by yoshiwoo description : It was all supposed to be a small road trip. Until you took a slight detour. "If you were a vegetable, you'd be a cutecumber." "I hate you." status : ongoing ~ markjin -> A Demon's Mind Games by Mudalion description : A large amount of people are cursed one night by an unkwonw figure. A curse they cannot control. It comes to life at the worst of times and changes them. They became desperate to get rid of their hunger; hunger that can only be relieved througgh sexual acts. They'll do anything to feed themselves, even if it's the forcing of the willing. status : ongoing [M] ~ 2jae -> Macchiato Days by choimiah description : Youngjae came in one morning and found this guy sleeping under a table. status : completed ~ 2jae -> Anonymous by sweetdeadlybackup description : Youngjae is crushing hard on a certain football player named Jaebum. One day, love notes start appearing in Youngjae's locker, whoever could be leaving the notes? status : ongoing ~ 2jae -> My Teddy Bear by exofanficss description : JB was jealous, his teddy bear wasn't giving him his full attention. status : ongoing ~ 2jae -> The Bully's Playlist by got7_jae description : Jaebum just wanted know Youngjae's name. Youngjae wouldn't be playing hard to get if it wasn't Jaebum asking, the mighty Im Jaebum. status : completed ~ markjin -> Elemental Heirs by markjincupid description : Seven boys found themselves tangles in an ancient legend leading them in a dangerous pursuit of long forgotten justice for thier race. Seven boys who have discovered the meaning of both friendship and love among the chaos of fighting for revenge and survival. status : completed [M] ~ 2jae -> The Big Crush Theory. 2jae edition! by Wookiell description : Choi Youngjae is what you could call a 'nerd', but he's not the typical, shy nerd. He's the perfect mix between Sheldon Cooper's mind and a sarcastuc, sharp and strong personality. But there's something Youngjae and the typical nerd share: a bully So, what happens when Youngjae finds out that his bully and archi-enemy suddenly became his step-brother? Well, a long year had passed since that day... Why don't we see how thing are for Youngjae now? status : completed

[mveloc]

Days of Why and How

Chapter 3

Author’s Note: Now this is where things actually start to pick up ;) Thank you all so much for reading and sharing your thoughts with me. As always, your feedback is much appreciated. Enjoy!

“Okay. Surveillance is offline and alarms are disabled. You’re good to go.”

She adjusts her headset, leaning back in her chair and stretching her arms high above her head to straighten her back. When she feels that satisfying ‘crack,’ she relaxes again and expels a quiet sigh, trying to swallow her nerves and remember why she agreed to all of this bullshit in the first place.

“Please tell me you’re not gonna start bugging out,” a gruff voice mutters from behind. “I’m not really good at the whole “calming chicks down” thing.”

She turns in her chair, glaring at the ragged man sprawled out on the couch. He wriggles his eyebrows in return, offering her a crooked grin that is supposed to be charming but only irks her even further.

“Well, forgive me for being a little on edge, but I did just get out of prison after pulling shit like this,” she counters.

“Don’t freak out on me now, yeah?” she hears Sarah’s familiar voice clearly through her headset. “I need you to keep your head on straight.”

“I’m not freaking out!” she protests. “I’ve got this under control. It’s like riding a bike.”

“With your coordination, that doesn’t bode too well,” the man chuckles.

She reaches for her bottle of water, tossing it across the living room until it hits him square in the chest and he continues to laugh, kicking his feet in the ear.

“Ouch. The sass is back.”

“It never left,” she warns him.

She hadn’t really planned on shacking up with her cousin, but rooming with Sarah wasn’t really an option as the punk didn’t have a steady place of her own and Felix’s line of work made living on his couch quite awkward. Tony was the only other person she could think of that would take her in and while his tiny apartment was far from glamorous, she was grateful for his hospitality… when he wasn’t being an annoying dick. He was familiar with her situation, dabbling in the criminal underworld himself, so she didn’t have to worry about defending her mistakes or trying to explain herself to him.

“Do you mind?” Sarah buzzes in her ear, clearly annoyed by the distraction. “I’m kinda in the middle of something.”

“Yeah. Sorry. You’re good,” Cosima reiterates. “Everything’s all clear.”

She had reached out to a few of her old Runewars buddies to hook her up with the necessary hardware to do the job and like always, they had come through without asking any questions (she thinks they secretly like the thrill of being involved in illegal activities). It hadn’t taken her very long to set herself up in the corner of Tony’s living room and make contact with Sarah.

Now all there is to do is wait and keep watch.

“Want a beer?” Tony asks, disappearing into the kitchen.

She declines, her fingers tapping nervously against the plastic of the fold out table she’s been using as a desk. Tony reappears a minute later with a beer in hand, popping the tab and tipping his head back as he takes a generous swig from the can.

“Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on,” Cosima speaks into the microphone on her headset.

“S’all good,” Sarah chimes back. “Just like I said—easy pickings.”

“Don’t count your chickens just yet,” Cosima mumbles.

If there’s one thing she’s learned, it’s that this shit can turn on dime; the job itself seemed simple enough when Sarah briefed her, but even the easiest jobs can get botched if the unexpected arises. As far as the unexpected goes, Sarah agreeing to a job like this is about as far out of left field as it gets.

When they were teenagers, Sarah would would rob houses and electronics stores and pawn off her spoils to make a quick buck. When she was in college, the punk had turned her sights to museums and galleries. With Felix’s artistic capabilities, they were able to produce almost identical counterfeits that could easily fool the untrained eye, not to mention many connoisseurs. There was certainly a market for it; they could sell the original to the highest bidder, ransom it, or—Felix’s favourite—sell the counterfeits to desperate and pretentious yuppies who had no idea that they were really spending all of their money on knockoffs. However, once Cosima went to prison and they lost their trusted computer expert, Sarah and Felix had no choice but to ease up on their endeavours; Sarah had resorted to conning wealthy marks and street-level drug dealing with her loser boyfriend while Felix mostly dealt in prostitution. When Sarah had initially propositioned her, Cosima assumed that their target would be their typical museum or gallery—certainly not some large corporation.

“About a month ago, some woman contacted me saying she had a job. I thought she was a cop or she was trying to blackmail me—she knew who I was, knew about my family, all that shite,” Sarah had told her. “Turns out, she just needed someone to break into a facility and steal some files.”

“And why, exactly, did she seek you out?” Cosima had asked. “You’ve never done anything like this before. It’s, like, Mission Impossible-level shit.”

“I dunno. That’s what I told her. But she was pretty fucking insistent that I be the one to do it. She said she trusted my skills and needed someone completely out of the loop—couldn’t risk it being traced back to her. Since I’m so far removed from everything, I guess that makes me the best person for the job.”

“And that doesn’t seem fishy to you?” Cosima had countered. “Some lady you’ve never met before shows up out of the blue, somehow knows all about your sordid past and asks you to steal some computer files?”

“She offered me 200k.”

“Ah.”

She had looked into this “DYAD” company and their work was actually quite fascinating—right up her alley. It made sense that a company like DYAD could be working on a number of top-secret projects that competing corporations would want to get their hands on. If that is the case, these files could definitely be worth the 200k that Sarah was offered. While the security system is rather advanced—one of the most sophisticated she’s ever encountered—after doing the proper research and procuring the right equipment, she’d easily found her way around it.

“Are you on the tenth floor yet?” Cosima asks.

“Almost there.”

Tony watches his cousin with an arched brow, eagerly drinking his beer from the couch as he watches Cosima at work.

According to Sarah’s contact, the files are stored on the tenth floor which requires a pass card to enter. It hadn’t taken Cosima very long at all to determine what kind of system was in use and to then replicate a card that would grant Sarah access.

“I’m here,” Sarah speaks. “Your pass card works.”

“Of course it does,” Cosima retorts with the hint of a smirk. “Don’t doubt the master.”

Even though a job like this wasn’t something Sarah typically dealt with, Cosima had certainly encountered her fair share while she was still working with Delphine. She had dealt with a very similar system in the past which was why she was confident that she could pull off a job like this with relative ease on her part.

“There we go. That’s the geek monkey I know.”

Cosima chuckles.

She leans back in her chair again, breathing a sigh of relief. It should be smooth sailing from here on out; all Sarah has to do is download the files onto the external hard drive and then it’s back the way she came—no one will ever even know she was there.

“Not too shabby, cuz,” Tony chimes in.

“I told you I was pretty good,” Cosima shrugs.

“Yeah? Then how’d your ass get busted?”

She opens her mouth to throw back a witty retort but a rapid blinking on her laptop monitor drags her attention back to the task at hand.

“What—?”

She begins typing furiously, her heart sinking in her chest.

“Uh, Cos? What the hell is going on?” Sarah asks, her voice laced with panic.

She can hear the alarm through the headset and Tony sits up straight, the shit-eating grin vanishing completely from his face once he notices that something’s gone very wrong.

“I don’t know!” Cosima exclaims. “This shouldn’t—”

She stops once her worst fears are confirmed.

“There’s someone else in there!”

“What?”

“I just got booted from the system,” Cosima explains. “Give me a second—I’ll get us back.”

“It’s a bit too late for that!” Sarah snaps.

“Shit!”

She slams her fist against the plastic table, her heart slamming behind her ribcage.

“You have to get out of there! Half the cops in town are gonna be there in five minutes!”

+ + + + +

“You told me you had it!” Sarah barks, running down one of the impossibly long corridors she’d traversed on her way in.

This was a disaster.

She hadn’t been able to download the files. Not only that, but if she didn’t haul some serious ass, she was going to end up like Cosima—rotting in prison for the foreseeable future.

“I-I know! I didn’t think we’d have interference!” Cosima tries to defend herself, shouting fearfully through the headset. “You didn’t tell me we’d have competition!”

“How the hell was I supposed to know?”

Marion hadn’t said anything about this. She said that the security system would be difficult to bypass, but if she had the right person behind the computer, it wouldn’t be too big of an issue. How the hell was she supposed to know that someone else would be trying to break into DYAD at the exact same moment?

“You should have scoped out the job a little better. This was sloppy!” Cosima snaps. “You’re fucking lucky I’m back in the system. The elevator should be back online and cameras are still disabled.”

She’s tempted to lose it on her newly-freed friend, but she’s too occupied with trying to save her own ass to unleash her full fury and frustration upon Cosima.

“So this is my fault? You’re the geek monkey! You’re supposed to have an answer for everything!”

She turns another corner but comes to a screeching halt when she finds herself staring down the barrel of a gun.

“Whoa. Easy,” she expels, raising her hands slowly into the air to indicate that she’s a non-threat.

She looks up from the barrel to stare into the eyes of her guest; a pair of deep, hazel eyes glare back at her, though the person’s face is concealed behind a balaclava—not exactly the most original disguise. Her own mask is much more distinct—a monkey that Cosima had picked out in a Chinatown shop earlier that day. She had laughed about it, said that she should try to have a sense of humour about the whole thing.

“So you’re the friend that tripped the alarm when you kicked us out of the system?” she asks, looking them up and down.

Despite the disguise, she notices that her guest is quite slender and small in comparison to the average man—about 5’7”. She shouldn’t be surprised by the fact that another woman is the one responsible for the clusterfuck considering all the jobs that she’s run in the past, but she certainly hadn’t been expecting it.

“Look, every cop in the city is gonna be here any minute now! We don’t have time for this!” she tries to convince the intruder. “The only way either of us is going to make it out of here is if we both run now!”

When the woman doesn’t reply, her anger flares.

“Do you hear what I’m saying at all?”

“Or I can shoot you in the leg and ensure that you get captured to take the heat off me,” the heavily-accented voice suggests.

Wait.

That accent.

She knows she’s heard it before.

Sarah inspects her would-be assailant once again; the height is right, the build is right, and the flicker in her eyes is certainly familiar.

“Wait… Delphine?”

The masked assailant freezes, gripping her gun a little tighter.

“That is you, isn’t it?” Sarah asks.

Sarah slowly reaches for her mask, lifting it to reveal her face.

“S-Sarah?”

Delphine lowers her gun and reaches for her own mask with her free hand to peel it off.

If Sarah was angry before, now she’s overcome with rage.

“Oh, you’re lucky you have a fucking gun right now, otherwise I’d kick your willowy ass!” she spits, her face contorting with hatred.

She always told herself that if she ever saw Delphine Cormier again, she’d beat the woman half to death and make her wish she were in prison—retribution for everything that she’s done to Cosima. Delphine doesn’t appear to be angry by her presence like she’d expect; instead of being furious that Sarah’s interfered with her own job, her face displays a mixture of concern and confusion. As Sarah stares her down, heavy-breathing and contempt in her heart, she waits for Delphine to make the next move; as much as she hates to admit it, the blonde is the one holding all the cards right now.

“What? You’ve got nothing to say?”

Another beat of tense silence passes between them before Delphine holsters the gun, surprising Sarah. While Delphine has no real reason to shoot her, she knows the cruelty that the French woman is capable of and wouldn’t be shocked to find her making good on her offer to shoot her in the leg and save herself.

“Oi, geek monkey!” Sarah shouts into her headset. “You’re never gonna believe who our visitor is!”

She never breaks eye contact with Delphine as she speaks to her partner on the other side, her blood beginning to boil. The very mention of Cosima seems to garner a reaction from the blonde; her eyes widen and a visible tremors rips through her.

“Cosima?” she asks, completely bewildered.

Sarah’s eyes narrow even further as she tries to decipher this reaction. It’s a mix of so many conflicting emotions that she’s unable to accurately pin it out.

“She’s—she’s out?”

+ + + + +

“Are you sure it was her?”

“Of course I’m sure. I’d know that voice anywhere.”

Cosima paces back and forth anxiously as if suddenly forgetting the layout of Tony’s living room. She feels sick, like she could drop to her knees and empty her stomach all over the floor even with Sarah watching. She isn’t sure if she should sit or stand, if she should take deep breaths or hold her breath completely; her body has its own response, just as it always has with Delphine.

“You sure it wasn’t some other French chick?” she tries.

Anything.

She just needs anything to work with—anything to tell her that this is all some big mistake, that she isn’t being confronted with her worst fucking nightmare. She secretly hopes that Sarah will meet her halfway, but as soft-hearted as her friend can be at times, the punk has never shied away from the truth when it really mattered.

“She took off her mask, Cos,” she says quietly, trying to let Cosima down gently. “I saw her face.”

Cosima sighs.

She always knew that this day could come—that it most likely would come. Even still, she hadn’t planned for it to go down like this. She was hoping that she’d have more time, that she’d have some sort of concrete game plan when she finally confronted her ex-girlfriend again after five long, bitter years. She may not have been there in-person to exchange words with the duplicitous woman, but Delphine knows she’s out now and she knows it’s only a matter of time before they cross paths for real.

Panic and defeat morph into a mighty burst of anger.

“I told you this was a bad idea!” Cosima snaps, nearly kicking the fold out table over in the process. “Not only did we botch the job and walk away with nothing, but now she’s wrapped up in this, too?”

“Oi!” Sarah counters, matching fire with fire. “She’s got nothing to do with this!”

“Of course she does!”

Delphine has everything to do with it.

Sarah and Felix had been saying it before and she always dismissed them, but now she sees just how right they’ve been; even if she doesn’t want to admit it, Delphine has been at the center of everything from the second she set foot outside of that prison.

“You listen to me—nothing changes,” Sarah says with emphasis. “We lay low for a little while until this all blows over. We forget about that twat.”

Cosima shakes her head.

“But she knows I’m out, and—”

“Doesn’t matter,” Sarah shuts her down quickly. “It doesn’t matter if she knows you’re alive or dead, if you’re out or if you’re still doing time. She cut you out, Cos—she decided five years ago that you weren’t worth her time, so why should she be worth yours now?”

Cosima folds her arms over her chest, her frown expanding.

“Maybe,” she mutters half-heartedly.

“Maybe?”

Sarah steps closer, imposing herself. She tries to smother all doubt in Cosima’s mind before those flames have a chance to grow into something much larger that will swallow her friend from the inside out all over again.

“Cosima, she dragged you into all this shit and then just left you to drown,” Sarah reminds her. “When things got bad, she just… disappeared.”

“Yeah, but I was a big girl. I made my own choices, Sarah,” Cosima argues.

She’s not sure if it’s Delphine she’s trying to defend or herself—her own terrible decisions that have come back to haunt her.

“It’s not like she ever forced me to—”

“Cos, she manipulated you!” Sarah bursts.

Cosima fidgets with the bracelet that dangles from her wrist, brow furrowed and lips drawn into a thin line which threatens to downturn into a frown with the slightest prodding. Did Delphine manipulate her? Maybe. Probably. But there’s no way Delphine could have planned for things to go down the way they did; there’s no way that her ending up in prison was part of her ex’s endgame.

Delphine didn’t con her into prison.

She did that all by herself.

In truth, it’s not her downfall that’s left her so bitter—it’s the fallout from it; even if there were times she felt untouchable when they were running wild together, a part of her always understood on some subconscious level that prison was a possibility—a natural consequence to their risky behaviour. No, she wasn’t bitter about getting caught, about serving a sentence that Sarah and many others thought she didn’t deserve.

It was the five years of radio silence that was the greatest sting of all.

In the beginning, she told herself that it wouldn't be so terrible; she could recover from messing her life up completely so long as she had the support of her loved ones, but when she needed Delphine the most, the blonde was nowhere to be seen.

Not one visit.

Not one phone call.

Not a single fucking letter.

Five years and after everything they’d been through together, after everything they meant to each other, Delphine had discarded her as easily as a used tissue. And the part that got her the most? That some sick, naive, masochistic part of her actually believed Delphine would come for her in the end. As days turn into months which slowly bled into years, she told herself that Delphine would come… eventually.

Delphine had to come.

Even just weeks before her release, she held onto some small sliver of hope that Delphine would be waiting for her at the finish line, just as she always had before.

How could she have been so stupid?

“Whatever. Doesn’t matter now. There’s nothing more to say,” Sarah mutters. “She can carry on with her shit and we’ll carry on with ours. It’s not like you’re going to go looking for her, huh?”

Cosima shakes her head.

“Hell no.”

Her voice harbours a hint of hesitation despite the boldness in her words.

“Good,” Sarah nods, trying to reinforce her point. “And if she has any sense at all, she’ll stay the hell away. At least we know she’s good at that.”

+ + + + +

“Has anyone come for me?” she asks, staring hopefully at the guard from behind the window.

The woman gives her a once over, taking note of her ID tag before lowering her head to read from the day’s log book. She scans it thoroughly for a minute or so before lifting her gaze again to offer Cosima a sympathetic glance.

“Sorry,” she apologizes, shaking her head.

“Are you sure? Could you check again?”

This is her first day of visitation and she’s been waiting eagerly for the chance to see another familiar face in person—one familiar face in particular.

The woman sighs, her expression softening as she removes her glasses.

“Look. You’re new here. Sometimes it takes a few weeks for these things to process,” she says, trying to offer Cosima a beacon of hope. “I’m sure whoever you’re expecting will make it down eventually.”

Cosima deflates completely.

“Yeah? Then why isn’t she answering any of my calls?” she mutters.

“Give it some time,” the guard tries, offering her a small smile.

“Well, I have lots of that.”

Time passes far too slowly in this place.

She hasn’t been able to grab more than an hour of sleep or so a night and even though she’s terrified to close her eyes in this place, a part of her wishes she could disappear into slumber and sleep the rest of her sentence away. She feels the exhaustion in her bones and even still, she’s unable to find any sort of reprieve; the bed (if you could really call it that) makes her tiny twin mattress back in her dorm room seem like a California king and every time she lies down, the walls seem to close in on her.

She hasn't been able to eat. She’s never considered herself a picky eater and has always been willing to try new foods but prison food hardly qualifies as something exciting and exotic. She stares down at the tray of indistinct mush, poking at it absently with a plastic spoon, trying to imagine that it’s tiramisu or some other delectable dessert just to help her with the psychological process of lifting the spoon and guiding the mush to her mouth.

“Uh, hey. Do you mind if I sit here?”

She stops, dropping her fork onto her tray and lifting her gaze to address her visitor. None of the other inmates have said so much as a word to her and she’s skeptical of any attention she’s suddenly receiving, but when she spies the benevolent-looking blonde staring back at her with a small smile, she wonders how big of a threat the girl can really be.

“Be my guest,” she mutters, gesturing to the empty seat across from her.

She diverts her eyes back to the tray of mush.

“You okay?” the blonde asks, taking a seat.

“Should I be?”

The blonde cocks her head.

“You’re a newbie, right?” she asks.

“Yep. Fresh meat for everyone to chew on,” Cosima deadpans.

“Hey, I didn’t mean it like that. Sorry,” her guest apologizes.

There’s something so sincere in the way in which the tiny blonde speaks that Cosima suddenly finds herself feeling guilty for the abrasive attitude she’s assumed as some sort of armour.

“No, I’m sorry,” she apologizes. “I’m just… I… fuck.”

There’s a hundred things she wants to say but her mind is drawing a blank. It’s not as if she can spout any of it to a stranger anyway, so she keeps it to herself.

“I know. This place’ll do that to you,” the blonde says sympathetically.

Cosima sighs deeply, trying to will away the rush of emotions that seem to overtake her at the most random and inopportune times. Her eyes begin to well until they’re glossy and ripe with tears she somehow manages to hold back.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do?” she asks.

The girl reaches across the table, placing a gentle hand atop Cosima’s.

“You just gotta focus. Think about the finish line,” she offers. “Just remember that this isn’t permanent.”

Cosima tries to hold back her laughter.

“It’s easy to say that now,” she spits, staring down at the comforting hand still resting atop her own.

The blonde offers her another smile.

“It’ll get easier with time. You just gotta help it along,” she says, pulling her hand away.

Cosima watches her carefully, watches as she runs that hand through the length of her hair.

“And how do I do that?” she asks.

The blonde laughs.

“When I figure it out, I’ll let you know.”

She knows that her new friend means well, but she has a hard time finding the humour in her words. She could barely stand to be cooped up in her dorm room studying for a weekend—how the hell is she going to make prison work?

“But seriously—just go through the motions,” the blonde tries. “I know the food’s shit, but you gotta eat. You gotta sleep. As soon as you can get eating and sleeping sorted out, the rest will fall into place a little easier… or at least you won’t have the urge to hang yourself with your bedsheets quite as frequently.”

Cosima expels a tiny laugh.

“Thanks,” she mumbles.

“Don’t mention it.”

When she looks up again, large blue eyes are staring back at her. She’s struck by how open they seem—far more open than anything in this fucking place.

“The guards haven’t been as horrible as I thought, but no one else really talks to me,” she says, finally making a solid attempt to strike up a conversation.

“That’s because you have “fresh meat” written on your forehead,” the blonde shrugs. “No one wants to get into bed with a newbie.”

Cosima frowns again.

“Don’t take offence. Once you’re here a little longer and the other girls get a better feel for you, the conversation won’t stop flowing—trust me,” she tries to explain. “This many troubled women all crowded together, some with consecutive sentences to serve? We’ve got nothing better to do than bitch, and we have more reasons than most.”

Cosima’s frown slowly dissolves.

“Aren’t you anxious about associating with a newbie?” she asks, trying to fight back her growing smile.

“Me? Not really,” the blonde shrugs. “I’ve got a bit of a reputation—that’ll go a long way in this place.”

“Really?” Cosima asks, her curiosity getting the better of her. “Are you, like, a serial killer or something?”

She makes the joke because she knows there’s no way it can be true; there’s no way that a girl like this could ever be capable of such a terrible crime. While they may all be criminals in here, she isn’t blind to the fact that most of the inmates are victims of circumstance rather than the vicious deviants that society would like most people to see them as.

“Nothing quite as glamorous,” the blonde laughs. “My family’s Russian mob. Nobody in here messes with me.”

“That must be nice,” Cosima muses aloud.

“It has its perks.”

If there’s one thing she could use right now, it’s a support system. Sure, the Russian mob may not be ideal, but it’s more than she has at the moment and she finds herself envious of the girl’s ties; Sarah’s been too preoccupied with Kira lately to make the trip down to see her.

And Delphine?

Delphine may as well be a fucking ghost.

“How about you? You don’t strike me as the “career criminal” type,” the blonde asks.

“No,” Cosima shakes her head, gaze dropping in shame. “I’m just a complete fucking moron.”

The blonde pauses for a moment, considering her next words carefully.

“We’ve all done stupid shit,” she says.

“Yeah, but I knew better,” Cosima counters.

“Don’t we all?”

Cosima laughs.

“Apparently not.”

If she did, she wouldn’t be here.

If she didn’t, she still wouldn't be waiting for Delphine to magically appear and take her away from this place like she promised.

“I’m Shay, by the way.”

She looks up, forgetting about her misery and rejection and rejoining the conversation. She accepts the hand, stretching her own across the table to grasp in gently, allowing herself to forget about her stupid mistakes for just a few seconds.

“Cosima.”

[tessatechaitea]

Supergirl: Being Super: Book Three

Electrical problems are the worst.

Your mom's meatloaf what?!

Dolly and Kara have a rough day listening to everybody talk about how the tragedy affected them. But it affected them even more! So everybody is stupid and dumb for having feelings. What do they know about feelings?! Jen wasn't their best friend so they couldn't know what it means to really hurt! I mean, it's not like Jen was their daughter so Kara and Dolly aren't having the greatest feelings about the subject. So maybe they should shut up and stop whining too because obviously Jen's parents are really, really hurting! Dolly figures out that Kara has super powers but Kara is all, "No, I'm just being a normal girl. I can't be any more normal than this!" And Dolly is all, "I don't care if you're different." And Kara is all, "Well, look again cause I'm not. Totally normal if you accept the white middle class view of normality which is blonde, blue-eyed, light skinned, heterosexual, and from the middle of the country! Totally normal in that offensive way people use the term normal!" Later, Kara decides to have a memory about how her mother's parents were total ungrateful shitholes. She saved her grandfather from a burning barn (that he probably set fire while testing his burning cross to be used later) and he was all, "That girl ain't right! Git ridda her!" So that's why she can't tell anybody about her powers, even her best living friend Dolly. Speaking of Dolly, she tampered with her heart monitor slash tracker that the predatory coach gave to the girls she wants to fuck and discovered it had a LexCorp battery. She thought that was weird for some reason. I guess Lexcorp doesn't market batteries for public consumption and only uses them in their futuristic high-tech gear since they're powered by Apokoliptian energy? That night, Kara hears a voice whispering "Save me." She flies off to see if it's Jen going through her super villain origin but discovers it's Coach Stone's secret lesbian laboratory. Coach freaks out and hits a panic button which triggers Kara's bracelet which knocks Kara's powers offline. It looks like maybe Coach Stone wasn't a creepy pervert lesbian after all! She was just a scientist working for LexCorps who totally have a permit to kidnap local kids and run tests on them. Kara trashes the lab and Coach Stone runs off to try to look through Dolly's blinds. The person Coach Stone was experimenting on gets up and thanks Kara for saving him. He's speaking Kryptonian but she can totally understand him. His name is Tan-on and I've never heard of him. Kara remembers her name is Kara Zor-el. I hope this guy isn't her cousin also because they're totally giving each other the fuck eye. Before Supergirl rushes off on an Earthling killing spree with Tan-on (not that Kara knows that's what's about to happen!), she has to go home and leave a note for her parents. "Mom. Dad. I met a boy from my planet. We are going to fuck and kill people. See you later!" She doesn't tell Dolly where she's going because she's not supposed to tell Dolly anything that would make Dolly realize the whole normal act was a lie. Not that Dolly believes it anyway. But she's pretending to believe it because she's a good friend, unlike Kara who is a jerko friend. You know how many friends I managed to not save from death? Less than Kara! Because I'm a great friend! The Ranking! +1! Sometimes I feel it isn't fair to rank open-ended comics with comics written to have a conclusion. Obviously the stories that have a beginning, a middle, and an ending are going to be better executed than the stories that have an early middle, a middle middle, and a later middle bleeding into the next early middle of the next story. That's just common sense!

[thedrowsydoormouse]

Blame @anangelamuse-castiel-spnfam for this long ass post!

1. What’s your first name?

Marilyn

2. How old are you?

24

3. Where do you live?

California (near Hollywood)

4. How tall are you?

6′1/2″

5. What colour is your hair?

a really pretty purple-y red

6. Do you have any siblings? If so are they younger or older than you?

I have a bunch of siblings. One is older and all the others are younger.

7. What time is it for you right now?

7:30-ish

8. Can you dance?

I should hope so considering I’ve been doing it for about 21 years now!

9. Do you have any pets? What are their names and species?

I have an adorable doggo named Zorro!

10. What is your eye colour?

Blue in the way the sea looks during a storm which is a total cliche but also very accurate!

11. Are you in a relationship?

Yes

12. Have you ever been in a relationship?

Many many relationships which were almost all huge mistakes.

13. What is your sexuality?

Pansexual

14. What is your type?

It really varies depending on gender but the one universal thing is dark hair and light eyes. 

15. Have you had your first kiss?

Considering I’m married, yes!

16. Have you had a sexual experience with same gender?

Once in high school.

17. Have you had a sexual experience with someone of a different gender?

Many, many times.

18. What is your ideal date?

Disneyland during the Halloween season.

19. Are you a romantic?

Very much so! 

20. Who is your celebrity crush?

I have way too many to list but right now my phone wallpaper is a pic of Alex Calvert from comicon this past weekend.

21. Do you like to draw?

I used to love it but going to art school in college kind of ruined it for me which makes me really sad but I just don’t find joy in it anymore. Now it just stresses me out. Hopefully that changes after a while.

22. Are you a good singer?

I love singing and the people I live with say I sound good but I think it’s all kind of subjective. I can carry a tune and stay on pitch and sometimes, if I’m really lucky and my emotions are right and all the stars are aligned, I can get a good amount of power behind it and really belt out when I sing which makes me really happy!

23. What was your best subject at school?

I was always amazing at anything creative so things like art, acting, dance, music, photography, creative writing (is it obvious I went to private school).

24. Do you enjoy physical activity?

I love some kinds. I could spend the rest of my life dancing all day and be the happiest girl you’ve ever met. I also like walking if I’m shopping or walking around Disneyland. And I get pretty physical when I’m cooking because I’m running around the kitchen doing like 12 things at once! Outside of that me and physical activity are not friends!

25. Have you ever done a marathon?

Never have, never will.

26. What is your favourite activity?

Dancing. Many people have said I light up even when I’m just talking about it! My husband just said he could tell I was thinking about dance because I started grinning like an idiot while typing this!

27. Have you ever traveled over seas?

No, but I plan to someday. I love traveling and seeing as much of the world as I can!

28. What would you consider your best skill?

Calming my mom down when she’s having one of her classic freak outs. I’m the only one who can get her to just chill out!

29. Favourite childhood movie?

Princess Bride! I still have to show it to Jack so I’ll probably be watching it later tonight!

30. What is your best quality?

I had to ask Jack about this because I didn’t want to sound too stuck up or full of myself. He says my strength. 

31. What is your biggest fandom?

Considering my wedding band has an anti-possession symbol on it I’m going to say Supernatural.

32. What fandoms are you apart of?

Supernatural, Good Omens, Doctor Who, Lucifer, and a few others I can’t really think of or can’t list without taking an hour to type this up!

33. What is your favourite head cannon about anything?

Sam got super jealous when he found out Gabe and Rowena slept together.

34. Who is your all time favourite book character?

Westley from Princess Bride. I like to think I married the real life version of him!

35. Do you read smutty or fluffy fanfiction? (or fanfiction at all?)

Give me all the fanfic all the time!

36. What is your favourite book?

Princess Bride! I read it in middle school ad it still stuck with me.

37. Why did you choose that particular username?

I was studying fashion design, the guy I was with at the time always called me “Ducky” and I was 18 and in 12th grade.

38. Do you play video games? What is your favourite?

I have spent god knows how much time playing Sims 4 building houses and sims based on my favorite tv characters and some of my closest friends.

39. What is your all time least favourite fan theory or head cannon about anything?

That Lucifer would’ve been a good father to Jack. We already saw that he only wanted to use and control him so I can safely assume he would’ve been even worse than Dean was before Cas came back.

40. Star Wars or Star Trek?

Star Trek (she says while her husband yells “Star Wars” from across the room)!

41. What is your saddest experience?

I went though a month and a half long depression spiral when they announced season 15 of Supernatural would be the last which got even worse when I read what had happened to Jack in the season 14 finale.

42. If you could apologise to anyone at all right now, who would you choose and why?

Jack because I kept him up all night last week when there was a shadow demon thing standing outside my door that I could tell was scared of Jack so I used him as a pseudo human shield thing!

43. What makes you fizz up (get angry)?

When people are close minded. I ruined last Christmas because my great aunt wouldn’t stop being a bigot so I yelled at her and screamed “fuck you” in a crowded Chili’s!

44. Have you ever been in a fist fight?

Many times. And I’ve won every single one. I’m scrappy af and very light on my feet!

45. What is something you would change about yourself and why?

I would put more money in my bank account because a bunch of stores are starting to bring out their Halloween stuff and I want need all of it!

46. Describe the last dream/nightmare you remember having?

The shadow demon from outside my room was trying to strangle me (like hand around my neck lifting me off the floor so my feet were kicking like in the movies). I woke up and couldn’t breathe with Jack leaning over me looking genuinely terrified.

47. What are you like offline?

Pretty much the same as I am on here. Maybe a bit more bouncy and bubbly but that kind of stuff doesn’t really transfer to online unless I’m in a video on like youtube or twitch or something.

48. What is your biggest secret?

I think I caused the deaths of not only my first grade teacher but also one of the girls a couple years behind me in middle school and one of my classmate’s father.

49. Have you ever committed a crime?

I stole a lip gloss when I was about 3 or 4. Also so much jaywalking.

50. What is your most controversial belief?

I don’t know how controversial this would seem to my followers but trans women are 100% women and trans men are 100% men and asexuality is a real thing that 100% belongs in the LGBTQ+ community.

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #3: "i told him i loved sicko mode( which i dont)" - bryce

Today no one has been online so our tribe has been quiet. But we have our alliance together so thats good.

John is gone? Good. I don't want to work with anyone who chooses Boston Rob as an avatar. No thank you.

Okay so this challenge is interesting...it really could be anybody's game. Luckily I know Brian is really good with music so I'm hoping that will come in handy for us. Other than that who tf knows. I just hope we stay safe.

This music video challenge is really hard. Hopefully we could pull another win and stay safe again. It would really suck if we would lose this challenge.

so I just woke up. like ~ 6-7 hours after the challenge announcement. AND THESE FREAKS ARE ALREADY DONE. WTF LET ME HELP.

no no. For real. I am so happy, I am not used to a tribe working this well together in challenges. I am SO SO HAPPY

We actually just murdered the challenge. We finished it in like less than 12 hours. We are beasts at these challenges. I just really hope that we got them all right because that gives us a great shot at winning. Even if we lose I'm in a great spot with Four of a Kind and Nicole is an obvious first boot. But I would still love to keep this win streak going for a little while.

I swear, I go offline for one night... I come back and literally EVERY song is done... I mean go on carry me to immunity thats fine.

So the last couple of days has been quiet since we did win immunity again, but I do have some tea to spill in here, and I love spilling tea hehe...

So I got nothing from my trip to Wonderland, but that's OK!  I'd rather get nothing then get something bad for my game.  In addition to that, though, the more juicy ish is that Sharky told me that Maynor is trying to get a group together of the 4 men not including me (or Nicole, obviously).  He probably already succeeded in that, but I do know, based on what Sharky said, that their first target would be Nicole followed up by me.  "It's not that Maynor doesn't like you, because he does, but he just thinks this is the group."  Maynor better hope that I don't swap with him because I do not mind having to flip on his ass and send him home at this point.  I'd love to stick to tribal lines and think I could find comfort in them if we swap, but I also literally don't care if I wasn't included in an alliance.

So while I know I have Sharky with my back and Maynor not with it at all, that still leaves Charlie, Nicole, and Dennis.  Nicole doesn't really talk much to anyone, so I'm kinda just gonna sneak in over the next 24 hours and make sure to solidify something with her so that I could work with her if need be.  Dennis and I talk from time to time, but I think if I can play on the fact that we both play League more, then I can solidify something with him... and Charlie and I talked about something between the two of us already, so I feel good there, but he didn't warn me about the Maynor alliance thing, so I know he doesn't trust me fully yet (which, might I add, just shows how I have to keep him at a distance).  I feel like if we can win this challenge and potentially swap next round, I will so amazing... because I might swap onto a tribe with a bunch of amazing people that will help me kill some of these annoying hoes on my current tribe (I'm looking @ you, Maynor).  My tribe's kinda hard to talk to, so I really need this... I need Marie... Godt... help me tf out because I am DYINNNGGG.....

I worked on videos 2 and 3 last night and almost finished it except like missing 2 songs. When i woke this morning, tribe finished all of video 1 and the 2 that i was missing. I really like our tribe, its really active and they work hard on the challenges. Going to be sad when there is a tribe swap, hopefully i get some of my alliance with me or Brian. Atleast someone i could work with.

Our spreasheets is being locked. I hope that we have the right answers. I really want to win again so hopefully we win immunity again.

Soooo I woke up and the tribe had finished our challenge before I even got to contribute....annoying because now if we lose I’ll be booted for not helping. Still I’m having fun even though I really only talk to Dennis and Charlie.

We won. Again. I wish I had something more interesting to say but I'm in a majority alliance, on a physically dominant tribe, I know who has the idol, and I'm feeling super comfortable. The only thing that worries me is an impending swap. In that situation idk what I would do…

O M G. We won by 1 point. I literally died and came back. Im so happy that we are safe again. Only thing is I’m nervous about us being ‘recommended’ to be online tomorrow. Maybe its nothing and I’m looking into it too much. Lets hope the swap is after one more vote. But who knows cuz it could be swapped into 3 tribes of 5.

okay so i forgot to mention but nathan has vote spy so wooh. also so i found a potion today and instead of being loyal and smart and gifting it to nathan since he hadnt guessed yet. i took it for myself and now have to wait another day to see if i get sth new. maybe itll work out maybe not. but we won tribal so um wooh. i kind of carried but im pretty sure i also put the wrong ellie goulding song so uh give and take NNN. still love nathan, nick is fun when hes on, annabelle talks for like 1 minute at a time but shes busy so hope we connect more, jayden... ignores me also i told him i loved sicko mode( which i dont) but his pfp was astroworld.. close enough. they were talking about rap in the chat so i changed my picture to amine and kevin abstract to try to get their attention but did not succeed KDAJFHKAJD one day ill bond…

YAY WE WON!!! I hate selfie scavenger hunt. Ill get more in depth when there's you know... actual depth to get into... safety is fun but I dont have confessional material right now. Also HAHA KEATON YOU GOT A VOTE TOO (sticks tongue out)

I didn't even do the challenge and I feel like I'm going home because I've been really busy and barely active so I'm really sad. Hopefully I can get people like Matt or BC to save me.

Our tribe are such kings, yet another win!! Despite the happiness of being safe, I am kinda worried. If our entire tribe makes the merge it just makes us targets, and honestly I don't see the point. Nicole isn't really online much and from what I can gather it doesn't seem like anyone is closely allied with her.

Yes, what I'm saying is that we're considering, let's say, "Not putting our best effort" into this challenge. Dennis and I have talked about it already, and I do think it's for the best. You only have to look at the healers in HvHvH to see why it's not a good idea to always win!

I hope it's not a live trivia challenge. Cos I love those and it will suck if I have to not try my best on it.

One point... really? I had to log off because I needed to be up early in the morning. There are two people that did absolutely nothing for the challenge. They had 24 hours to do at least SOMETHING, and then we would have won. But no.

tbh the complete lack of giving a fuck on my tribe has left me super demotivated. I'm sick of staying up until 1am every night for this while others do fuck all. we're voting Marie because she's never around and hasn't contributed significantly to any challenge yet. sorry if you were expecting something more exciting than that.

so we lost the challenge. BY ONE FUCKING POINT. Like what is the point?? i slaved for ages looking for those videos, doing both videos 1 and 2 and some of 3. like hello tribe? please pull your weight? or like? I want you all gone? This vote thankfully should have a straightforward result, like marie is basically non existent and doesn't really try. The transcontinental trio have basically come to that consensus that it'll be Marie, so like it should be because we have a majority. Im praying for a swap HONESTLY.

I was driving home from Maine so I’m super glad the guys pulled through and won this one since I fell on ice and I’m in a stupid amount of pain and I didn’t want to potentially be voted out when I’m hurting this bad so whenever these are released seriously seriously thank you to the 4 of you that got all of it done you’re all amazing

Im a little nervous tonight for the semi-live challenge after tribal tonight but also more nervouse that it isnt a challenge by a possible 3 tribe swap

BC quits.