#from bath and body works. the kind that all the girls in your 5th grade class had on their backpacks yknow

[doubletrucks]

my roommates love it when i come home and say "look what i found in the dumpster behind work today!"

[jenniferswhor3]

midnight dip - jj maybank

obx masterlist main masterlist

jj maybank x reader

summary || you and jj go midnight dipping in the ocean

warnings || alcohol, swearing, light make out doesn’t go into too much details

authors note || just something simple bc i needed to put out something enjoy tho !! requests are open btw 😁

it had been a long, long day of you and your friends running around town. you guys needed a night off. everyone went their separate ways of ‘taking the night off’ which only left you and your thoughts on your back patio.

you were sitting in a lounge chair by the fire pit you had, sipping a can of beer. you weren’t aiming to get drunk, just something to sip on.

it was quiet, no sound was being made other than the cracking of the fire, the occasional sound of the alcohol sloshing around in its can, and the waves breaching shore.

it was quite for a few more minutes before a unknown voice speaks up, “beautiful, isn’t it?”

nearly having a heart attack, you look back towards the voice. it was non other than jj maybank, the boy you’ve been in love with since 5th grade. that dorky smile and shaggy blonde hair is what made you fall for him more and more every day.

“geez, jj, you almost made gave me a heart attack,” you say with your hand over your heart.

“sorry, my bad.” he sits down in the vacant chair next to you.

you two make a bit of small talk about really nothing, just watching the waves hit the sand. laughing about something the other said. you two really enjoyed each other’s company.

you two had always been really close. it was a different kind of close than him and john b and pope or you and kie and sarah. you couldn’t put a name on it because you didn’t know what it was.

you shared clothes, beds, straws, everything. yes you would often share shirts with sarah or sleep in the same bed as kie when you were sleeping over but it felt different when it was with jj.

you had obviously liked jj since 5th grade and it was embarrassingly obvious to all of your friends. everyone seemed to notice but jj.

he thought he made it obvious that he liked you, always being affectionate with you. your friends noticed but you. you had been completely oblivious, blind by your own love for him.

it was very painful to your friends to watch you two being head over heels for each other and not do anything about it because you both were oblivious.

“let’s go swimming,” you suggest. jj looks over at you with a raised eyebrow.

“y/n, it’s fucking freezing out there.”

“so,” you shrug.

you began to take off your jacket and shirt. it was almost normal to you girl to have a bathing suit underneath all your clothes; never know when you might go swimming.

jj only takes off his shirt; he doesn’t mind getting his shorts wet. you two run towards the cold ocean just sending it. you don’t have time to be scared of cold water. once you get in you’ll get used to it.

once you reach the water you and jj dive right in, wasting no time getting your hair wet. you both come up shivering. you move up to wear both of you can stand, the water was up to your belly button.

“oh my god, it’s freezing,” you say crossing your arms over your torso.

jj smirks. he immediately starts splashing you.

“oh my god, jj!” you bring your hands out in front of you trying to shield yourself from the water even though you knew it wouldn’t work. “stop, jj,” you say in between laughs.

jj began walking closer to you still splashing you. at this point, your body was practically turn away from jj while your hands were still facing him attempting to block the water he was splashing.

jj then attacked you from behind, his arms securely wrapping around your waist. your arms subconsciously placed themselves overtop jj’s.

after moments of jj somewhat attacking you the whole thing died down. jj’s arms never left your waist and you weren’t complaining. you two were still slightly bent over. as your laughter had died down the only thing being heard, other than the waves, were each other’s deep breathes.

you slowly turned around, still in jj’s grip. his arms slightly unravel, his hands rest on your hips; yours rest on his forearms.

it was now just you two, standing in the middle of the ocean, staring deep into each other’s eyes. nothing else mattered in this moment.

you notice jj quickly glance at your lips. you move slightly closer to him while also glancing at his lips. jj looks in both of your eyes then back down at your lips. he met your eyes once more before silently asking for approval to kiss you. giving the slightest of nods, he begins leaning in. you met him halfway. fireworks everywhere. the moment you two have been waiting for, for a while now too.

it was almost magical. you’re arms wrap around his neck while his secure their place on your hips. this kiss felt like forever but it had only been a couple minutes.

you both pull away needing air. you both rest your head on each other’s foreheads breathing heavily. you bite your bottom lip attempting to hide your smile.

“you don’t know how long i’ve been waiting to do that,” jj says pulling his head away from yours.

“oh, i think i do.” and with that you lean in once more for another kiss.

[lovemesomesurveys]

What color are your eyes? Brown.  Is anyone you work with currently on maternity leave or vacation? I don’t have a job.  Favorite boys name? I like the name Alexander.  Baked macaroni and cheese or regular? Both are good, but I like the baked one more cause of the crispy breadcrumbs.  What’s the first thing you learned how to draw? I feel like it was a stick figure. Ha, or my version of one as a little kid, which was a circle with a line coming out each side and two on the bottom for the arms and legs. I completely left out the neck and torso, ha. 

Name one of your friends’ children: I don’t have any friends.  What was the name of your 5th grade teacher? Mrs. B.  Sterling silver or titanium? Sterling silver.  How many hours do you work in a day? Zero.  Have you ever been to a casino? Yes.  Who wrote the last book you read? AJ Rivers.  What’s the middle name of your bestfriend? My mom would probably prefer I don’t give that out.  What’s your favorite food? Boneless wings and chicken tenders.  How far away do you live from the closest aquarium? A couple hours away.  Favorite girls name? I like Autumn, Winter, Skye, Oceanna/Ocean.  Name one of your candle scents: I like the autumnal scents from Bath & Body Works.  What’s the name of your favorite restaurant? I don’t have a favorite restaurant.  Are you in a relationship? If so, how long? Nope. I’m very single.  Who in your family has a birthday in January? I think one of my cousin’s.  When was the last time you lost power? How long was it out and the cause? Last summer for like an hour or two. Do you know any twins? Yes.  What’s your favorite flower? I don’t really have one.  Pick 3 random colors: Rose gold, sea foam green, coral.  Would you ever dye your hair that color? Rose gold or sea foam green would be kinda dope, but no probably not. I’d just get a wig those colors.  Do you own any underwear that color? Yeah, all 3 colors. Can this be used as a last name? I’ve known some people whose last name was Green, but not any of the 3 colors I mentioned specifically. Stephanie Rose Gold sounds kinda cool, ha.  What’s your favorite country song? I don’t have a particular favorite, but I do like some country music.  Do you drink alcohol? Nope. It’s almost been a decade now since I’ve had any alcohol. Do you use any food delivery services such as UberEats, DoorDash, etc? DoorDash is my bestie. I’ve been on a 3 month cleanse, though, cause of my hospital stay and now even back at home because I still can’t have actual food. I’m waiting to get that damn swallow test still. :/ I want fooooood.  What color is your mailbox? Gray.  What is one school supply that is mainly needed? Writing utensils.  What age did you lose your virginity? I haven’t.  Dogs or cats? Dogs.  Do you know anyone who’s been to prison? Yes.  What’s one thing on your shopping list? There’s so much food I want to have once I’m able.  Freeze tag or musical chairs? I liked both as a kid.  Where did you go on your last vacation? To the beach.  Have you ever been stuck in the mud? No. What was the last thing you took a picture of? My coffee. I had my first fall drink of the year, which was an apple crisp macchiato from Starbucks.  Name someone you work with: -- How far away is the closest Walmart? Like a 10 minute drive.  Chick-fil-A, Taco Bell or McDonald’s? I like all 3.  Did you ever get an allowance as a child? Yes.  What food do you see the most of at baby showers? The first thing that came to mind were veggie platters.  Do you know the capital of your state? Yes.  Have you ever rode on a motorcycle? Yeah, I’ve ridden on the back of one when I was a kid with my dad.  When’s the last time you ate any type of sweet? May. D: I’m craving so many sweets.  Pizza rolls or bagel bites? Pizza Rolls.  What kind of flooring is in the room you’re in? Carpet.  Is the internet connection good where you live at? Yeah.  Do you need to do laundry? No. What’s your favorite scent? I have many favorite scents, but I don’t feel like listing them right now. I have before many times.  Have you ever lived in a hotel before? No. What kind of pets does your grandmother have? She has a little doggo, I forget what the breed is.  Do you follow any type of trials? Huh? What’s the last show you really got into that you have to wait for the next season of? Stranger Things.  SpongeBob or Patrick? Patrick.  When’s the last time you seen fireworks? A few weeks ago when my mom FaceTimed me from the baseball game she and my dad were at.  Have you ever witnessed a car accident? Yes.  Do you own a pair of fuzzy socks? I do. What kind of ice cream is your favorite? Strawberry, banana fudge pops, mint chocolate chip, cookies and cream, cookie dough, birthday cake, Snickers, Twix.  Have you ever been skinny dipping? Nooo. Sprinkles or frosting? Frosting.  Do you like mushrooms? No. How many tattoos do you have? Zero.  Do you own any type of hand sanitizers? I have several.  Have you ever worked in a grocery store? No. What’s your Subway order? Now it’s just the Italian herbs bread, turkey, cheese, spinach, avocado, salt and pepper, oil and vinegar. Back when I could have spicy food, though, I used to add jalapenos and banana peppers as well.  When was the last time you used the bathroom? A few hours ago.  Do you know how to roller skate? I can’t.  Can you read sheet music? I haven’t looked at or attempted to in almost 15 years.  How old is your youngest sibling? He’s 23.  Do you have an Amazon account? I do.  What day is payday? -- What’s one food your family has at Thanksgiving? Turkey is the main dish.  Do you like painting? I kinda do, but it’s something I very rarely ever do.  Have you ever been swimming with dolphins? No. What’s your favorite snack food? Chips and dip.  You’re watching Law & Order, is it the regular or SVU? Meh, I’m not into that show.  What was you doing last time it snowed? It doesn’t snow here. :/ Do you have to sleep with a fan on? Yes. I currently have 3 fans going.  Chapstick or lip gloss? Chapstick.  When was the last time you took a shower? It’s been a few months. I’ve only been able to do bed baths.  Do you know how to play basketball? I don’t play basketball, but I know how it’s played.  Name one thing you put on a salad: I like to add hard boiled eggs.  Do you own anything that’s your favorite color? I have several favorite colors and a lot of stuff, so much of those things are one of my favorite colors.  What’s the last thing you ordered from a Mexican restaurant? Shredded chicken with gravy, beans, rice, gravy and cheese dip, and tortillas on the side.  Do you carry a purse or a backpack? I use a mini backpack.  What kind of soda is your favorite? Coke, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mountain Dew, and various flavors of each.  Have you ever cut yourself shaving? Yes.  Penguins or pandas? Penguins.  Do you like your in-laws? I don’t have any.  What do you usually do for Christmas? Christmas Eve we have our Christmas dinner and watch Christmas movies. Christmas day we get up early to open presents and then just lounge around the rest of the day eating leftovers and checking out our new stuff.  Have you ever used any type of Aromatherapy? Yeah. Toe socks or ankle socks? Ankle socks.  Who’s your favorite Pokémon character? Jigglypuff.  What’s the temperature range in your area? Ugh, we’re still having triple digits.  Does your trash need to be taken out? I don’t think so. Nachos or chips and salsa? Mmm, I loved both when I could have spicy food. What’s the name of your pets? Princess Leia.  Have you been around anyone that creeped you out? Yes.  What’s your Chick-fil-A order? The chicken strips with Chick-Fil-A sauce.  Regular or pink lemonade? Neither.  Do you know anyone who’s lost their house in a natural disaster? No. What’s your favorite candy? M&Ms, Reese’s, KitKats, Twix.  Chinese or Japanese cuisine? Chinese.  Colored pencils or sharpies? Colored pencils.  Do you own a pair of Crocs? Nooooo. Have you ever been to DisneyWorld? No. I’ve been to Disneyland several times, though.  Does anyone in your family have a birthday in February? Yes.  How long does it take for your phone to fully charge? It charges pretty quick.  What color is your hairbrush? Green and black.  Is there any movies out that you want to see? There’s a few coming out soon I want to see.  Do you know how to run a cash register? No. Chicken or beef noodles? If we’re talking ramen, then beef. Pork is my favorite, though.  What year did you get your drivers license? I haven’t.  Do you have any piercings? Yes, just my earlobes.  What kind of makeup do you wear? I don’t even bother with makeup anymore.  What’s your Taco Bell order? Bean burrito with extra sauce and cheese, a couple of Doritos tacos, and sides of guac and sour cream. Sometimes I’ll get a chicken quesadilla.  Do you wear any type of shimmer spray or glitter? I just ordered one from Bath & Body Works. It’s one of their new Halloween scents.  Have you ever lived in a trailer/doublewide? No. What’s your boyfriends/girlfriends middle name? I’m still single.  Are you into anime? No. Pizza or nacho lunchables? Nacho.  Have you ever been to a strip club? No. Do you know how to play any instruments? No. I wish I would have kept up with the piano.  Have you ever been inside of a courtroom? No. What kind of restaurants do you eat at while you’re on vacation? Various ones. We avoid places we have back at home.  Did you ever participate in any pageants when you were younger? No. What kind of cheese is your favorite? I love cheese, various kinds.  Does your phone have any cracks or scuffs? Yes.  Have you ever had a professional massage? Nope. Which would you rather have, twins or triplets? I don’t want kids.  Do you drink energy drinks? Starbucks Doubleshot energy drinks. Every once in a great while I’ll have a Redbull.  Can you swim? No. Make the perfect taco salad: I’m basic--shredded chicken, cheese, guacamole, sour cream.  Have you ever lived with friends or a roommate? No. Who in your family has a birthday in March? I have a couple family members with March birthdays.  What kind of pasta do you like? Spaghetti, penne pesto, tortellini, raviolis.  Do you know how to play volleyball? I don’t play, but I know how it’s played. How much decorating do you do around the holidays? I haven’t done as much as I used to the past few years cause I haven’t had the energy, but ideally I’d go all out. I wanted to try and do that this year, but that’s not likely. :/ Have you ever been on a cruise? No. At what age did you learn how to tie your shoes? Like 4.  Oreos or chocolate chip cookies? Oooh, both.  What did you dress up for Halloween as a child? I had various costumes. Can you count to ten in Spanish? Yes.  Name a character from your favorite TV show: I have several favorite TV shows, but I’ll go with Max Mayfield from Stranger Things.  Do you like going to arcades? No. What was the last personal care item you bought from the store? Deodorant.  Airplanes or helicopters? Airplanes. Have you ever been camping for more than a week? I’ve never been camping at all. No thank you.  What kind of meat do you like the most? Chicken.  Chicken or Buffalo wings? It’s chicken wings and buffalo refers to like spicy buffalo sauce you can put on the wings, not buffalo meat. At least here that’s what it means.  Do you actually stop and pet dogs you actually see? No, I don’t go up to dogs I don’t know. You never know how they’ll react.  Have you ever been in an ambulance? Yes. I was in one last week when it brought me home from the hospital.  What’s the craziest thing you’ve found at a hotel before? I haven’t found anything crazy.  How far is the closest Target? About a ten minute drive. Snakes or spiders? EW, neither.  What’s your Panera Bread order? I love their French onion soup.  Do you have any cool keychains? Yes, to me they are. I have a ton of keychains.  How old is your oldest living grandparent? They’re in their late 80s.  Do you watch movies? Yes.  Who in your family has a birthday in April? One of my cousins.  Have you ever had your nails done professionally? Just once and it was for my 8th grade promotion, so it was quite a long time ago.  What color Christmas tree do you use? We get real trees, so they’re green. Well, last year we had our very first artificial tree, but it was still green.  What’s your go to dipping sauces? Ranch is the one I use the most. I like other sauces as well depending on what I’m eating.  Do you know how to properly pack a U-Haul truck? I wouldn’t be able to do that.  What was your least favorite math? ALL of it. I really struggled with math.  Have you ever been published in a magazine? No. What color is your snow gloves? I don’t have snow gloves.  How old were you when you last went to the dentist? I was in my 20s.  Do you own a printer? Yeah.  What’s your Applebees order? Chicken strips and fries.  Do you bring home seashells from the beach? No. Have you ever jumped on a trampoline with ...with? 

What kind of video games do you play? I love Mario Bro games.  Is anyone in your family in law enforcement? No. How long ago was the last funeral you attended? Back in 2010.  What color is the blanket on your bed? Mint green.  Where did you get your name from? My parents. Do you wear lipstick? No. What’s a fruit you dislike? Oranges.  What kind of donuts do you like? Glazed and maple.  Do you know how to braid hair? I can only do basic braids.  What’s one accessory you wear? I haven’t worn any in awhile.  How many hoodies/jackets do you own? Several.  What was the last name of the road you lived on? -- What brand of chocolate do you prefer? Hershey. I can’t think of the other brands I like.   Nike or Adidas? Adidas.  What will your future wedding colors be? I don’t plan on getting married.  Do you have a phone mount in your car? I don’t have a car, I don’t drive.  Make the perfect omelet: Cheese, avocado, green onions.  What’s the name of the air freshener closest to you? I just have my beach body spray from B&BW near me. 

[hellofriend]

THE HISTORY OF RABBIT #19/EMIKO KOBAYASHI 小林 恵美子

(Yes long overdue but just roll with it)

February 25th 2004

Emiko gets found in the wreckage of a plane crash

Is found under the body of a well known CEO of Tatsumi Company & Co.

Possibly was being protected by him

Deemed as the only survivor of the plane crash

Doesn't remember who her birth parents are and her previous life before the crash

She doesn't even remember her name

Gets named by the rescuers Emiko (恵美子) because she must have been blessed to have survived the crash

No one comes to claim Emiko for months and is deemed an orphan

She spends almost year after that crash in an orphanage

Adoption

Gets adopted on Christmas week by the widower of the late CEO and receives the last name Kobayashi (小林)

Becomes the older sister of the late CEO's daughter Shiki who is at the time just almost a year old baby

Honestly just adopted to help her mom cope with her late husband's death by protecting the thing he gave his life to protect- this small 4 year old girl

Immediately gets bathed and fed as soon as she steps into her new home

For that week she gets pampered by nannies and opens a ton of presents on Christmas day

The New Years Eve party is when she first gets introduced to the world as part of the Kobayashi family

Then things go downhill

Childhood

Doesn't get that much attention from her mom anymore after that

Is put into learning stuff kids her age wouldn't be learning and then at the end of the week getting tested on that

Is also never let out unless it's to show the public how "nice" her family is and to strengthen her mom's relations with other companies

As Shiki gets older she joins her in that routine

Both of them get close to one another as time goes on and both want their mom's attention

Emiko gets it by being more studious

Shiki by being more troublesome and involving her sister in most of her schemes

Shiki and Emiko wish to go out on their own but mom is too protective and just makes them so attached to her for safety Emiko forms separation anxiety from her

Mom tries to combat the anxiety by bringing her and her sister to more events with her to making her socialize and making her learn talents she can show at events but it just makes it worse

Eventually just teaches Emiko to mask her Anxiety with a serious no nonsense attitude persona

Their mom grants Shiki to go to boarding school alone and outside the country in 5th grade as long as her grades are decent

Emiko is not for this reason

"Your younger sister is to be the future owner of this company and has no choice but to be seen, you on the other hand don't. This is to protect you, not to trap you."

Honestly fucks her up a little but hey guess their mom's way of showing that she cares so

Honestly gets kind of lonely without Shiki there but hey she comes back on holiday breaks so they usually spend all their time together

Eventually Shiki teaches Emiko of gambling and she becomes way good at that

Honestly gets taught a lot of cool things from her sister on holiday breaks

She kind of wishes she could get out too but is too scared after being so attached to her mom after so long

Leaving home

Eventually gets the courage to ask her mom to let her go to college in America after Shiki has a talk with her on how she can't just stay with her mom forever

After lots of arguing and a little help from Shiki her mom lets her finally be free and study in the States

Emiko leaves Japan to study at a university in the US

B.P.T. = Before Phoenix Trials

FREEDOM FUCK YEAH NO MORE PRESSURE FROM MOM

Apartment may be a little small and cheap... And no air conditioning... BUT IT'S A START

Honestly the adrenaline of being free is everything

But then there's going to classes and not being able to drive

And then there's just having no friends due to her being so quiet and shy

I mean there is that one weird guy that's into the occult and really smart at math but...

And yeah she gets allowance from her mom every month to pay for groceries and rent but...

....

Yeah she needs more independence

Is trying to get a job and applying to lots of places

Tries to be more social but fails due to anxiety and scaring people away

Eventually all hope is lost in trying to get new friends

Then boom youtube video promoting something like idk a fun little puzzle hunt with codes and stuff

And theres a form!

Wow turns out there's this chat thing you'll have to be in too! Yay a way to get friends!

I mean, never worked with codes and stuff before but it seems cool!

Signs the fuck up and is just yay friends!

Oh sweet baby angel no

TRIAL TIME~

Yay she's in! She's happy she can't wait to get to see some people and stuff

OH COOL THE FUCKING CHATS ARE OPEN

Wait what the fuck

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN DIE?!?

Honestly panics a lot after this and doesn't know what to do now

Really scared but eventually is like

NO I'M NOT DYING I'M SURVIVING THIS NO MATTER WHAT FORGET THIS

Immediately searches up stuff on habbit and stuff

Spends so much time on trials to be certain she's not eliminated

Gets really attached to people in her warren Gets really attached to people in her warren???

Welp oops

Hey she wanted to have friends and she got some

But hey she gets way close to this 1 person

Ooo and they live close

And I flirted with them oh shit

DAMMIT I FUCKING LIKE THEM AND ARE DATING THEM HOW AM I GONNA TELL THIS TO MOM

Eventually is just disappointed at herself for getting close cause dude most of these people are dying fuck

Then a fucking surprise visit from mom and Shiki

Force her to move somewhere else

It's way more fancier and has air conditioning but she really liked her old apartment T~T

FINALLY GETS A JOB BECAUSE MOM PULLED SOME STRINGS WOO

BUT TRIALS

THERE'S ANOTHER RICH PERSON HERE?!?

YAY RICH BUDS

Wow this hiatus on the trials is really long... getting kind of scary

20 NO

Omg this is the worst thing ever

Silence forever in the chat but hey she gets to meet 18 and some of the other rabbits and everything is fine now so we're safe!

YAY!!!

THE END

[lost-in-your-own-thoughts]

Girl of Glass

In a world where the people would be made of sticks and stones armed with steely knives and words that slither and stay,

She was made only of glass, covered in a thin layer of paper and tape.

See it held her together in a world where sticks and stones broke your souls, and our mouths were caverns that should have never been explored, but out to be silent in the black mist as they set fire and burn to ash our little paper walls, oh we could wish that our bodies were far humbler Halls, and instead of trauma and despair held love and a body still left untouched and not scared.

Because those steely knives, those rods of steel, they stay and play at night, where nobody will hear the tears. Because they pray and bite at your mind until you become numb or shattered and nothing but the hollow shell of someone who you used to know. Unknown to be true, can't seem to believe that the words "I love you" can be true.

Say "I'm fine" and laugh, but really your cracked, "I'm tired" and smile, though the real one hasn't shown in awhile.

In the end she was nothing but a frame to be used by paper mache, and a vase that knew way too much for her age.

And change and change and change she did, because no matter how she looked or acted or how things changed, she was so young, so her mind thinks that its the calm before the wave. Cuz if she got a little too happy the things that once held her fragile hands would be the same to scrape and scratch at her newly polished glass, and quiet she was, but her mind was too loud, filled with the blood they made her bleed out.

Because she was betrayed at a young age, thrown in the battlefield before she made it to the first grade, learned how to survive in a world where you need to know if someone was bullshitting you because that could be your life or your reputation.

Learned that sometimes men are immature, and women are not always to be trusted, that family can even lie and betray, oh the child's mind should have been left alone, didn't you know,

Children are supposed to believe in fairy tales...

Went back and forth from a home to a pit of nothing but agony and dispair, the homes were different, not just in acts but looks I swear any sane person would have seen right through it in a minute.

From a home where responsibility was key and the house was clean and mom had you surrounded by who you considered your real family and fun, to a house held by a father who didn't work nor pay bills, dove into alcohol and drugs, and lived in a pit of filth with his mother and father who seemed to condone it still.

A man who slept in nothing but boxers with his children, they were old enough to bathe on their own but father's mother couldn't get the picture. He seemed to not care about his daughter and more about his son, then contradict it all by calling him a after teaching him it was ok and fun.

We were only kids, but mistreated by him, so much so we don't remember most of the things he did.

It's been 6 years now, since they've last seen him. But still his picture would be a horrific thing to the victim.

From young the girl made of glass learned to thicken her core, she didn't want to feel like that anymore.

But the girl made of glass went through more than just that,

Their was a house fire that had her move far, to a place unknown,

Leave the ones she called friends and say goodbye, she moved to a new neighborhood and looked out the window as they arrived.

That was her second year of second grade.

The girl made of glass, found new friends in the third grade, though when things got ugly, they proved they weren't real anyway.

"your a girl you can't do that" staff told her when she wanted to play sports, not like she cared, she did way she wanted to, to stay happy and sane since she was still dealing with back and forth shit, and her father had a dog he beat with his cane.

Fourth grade was hard as she lost most of her friends, started pulling her hair out another coping mechanism, because distract and distract her mind she did, ignoring all her pain till she couldn't feel it. Was the last year she saw or heard from her father, that was good news at last.

Fifth grade came by, all the kids hated her, teachers too, but let's not go there. It's when she started to isolate and keep to herself, but boys loved her misery and dragged her into the boys bathroom, crying she was no longer unscratched glass on a shelf.

The first guy she liked played with her emotions to get what he wanted, said if she didn't touch him or let him touch her he'd leave her, truth be told he was the only actual white boy she knew, said he was from Texas had and older brother and a younger sister she adored, made quite the impression, though their relationship never went far. It was on and off and he even cheated on her with a guy, same one tried to screw her on the bus during senior trip, but lol she wasn't having it.

They called her "white chocolate" at school because for her ethnicity she was pale as paper with chocolate hair and eyes, She didn't know much but apparently you're not Hispanic if you can't speak Spanish.

The kids in the middle and high school that were also in the building tended to look over the stalls in the restroom and make fun of her, and the girl with glass afraid to use public restrooms after that.

The girl made of glass had long chocolate hair, that was until the fights were no longer fair. It was groups of girls that jumped her, and not only the girls, but then she cut her long hair short so she wouldn't be thrown against a brick wall again like a raggedy Ann. The fights still persisted, and she was the only one not winning and getting into trouble at the school.

She cried and cried and cried so many tears. "You only have to push it out for the rest of this year. Then it'll be a new school new you."

She held on to that till she made it out of 5th grade, little did she know 6th grade was almost close to the same.

But the boys were more "respectful" she could say, they all hated her and called her ugly and one beat her with a bat. But those hands she had were for healing and not for beating people so she couldn't even fight back.

Too many kids from elementary school were there, I guess you can say at least the kids kept it verbal for the most part. She told the staff but nothing was done, treated like a desease and they made fun of her and called her things like "ebola" or skinny freak" that's how she met her group of friends, who stood up for each other, I guess.

By 7th grade the whole ebola thing was off but she could still sense that nobody wanted anything to do with her so she kept to herself. She made herself busy, to forget her pain, she was in a band where she put her emotions and pain into the music, because it was her blood.

We aren't even going to talk about her relationships in this year. But there was I believe, one.

He was good for the most part but because of her past after she collapsed in the middle of the street he didn't help her and stood with his friends and laughed, she didn't want it anymore because the one to help her was her best friend.

Year 8. The year of the seniors. Let's just say it got so bad, police were involved, she dated her best friend but he broke her heart, dated someone else who she in turn broke their heart, and then dated another who left her for a friend. Though it's not like she blames them. She was starting to hate herself more in the end. She's stopped too many suicide attempts and was bullied on end, the school had to change her class and thing finally started to smooth out but she felt like the only one in a crowded room. She was loved by the teachers and the friends that stayed, but she was lost for her own self love.

She avoided going to the nurse because grades were everything. "Your worth nothing if you don't have anything to prove your worth" her mind taunted.

She was sent to guidence, but they are idiots because it's not like they could really help anything. she was way too good a faking till her mask came off at night.

Then one fateful evening, her father messages her and she feels like the breath was stolen from her lungs as flashes of periods she can't even remember went through her mind and she had to excuse herself to calm down and once she did she blocked him.

9th grade. She had only dated Hispanics up until this point minuses the non-binary pal she was with for a short period of time.

She makes new friends but is careful. Her mind doesn't believe that anything stays good for long.

She dated this boy who was a actor and dark skinned, like sweet caramel mixed with chocolate with light blue curly hair. He was a weeb, charming, nice. Though, he kind of smelled like blood and was just as cracked as her, if not more.

They said "I love you" but his was a lie. She was not only second girl but he also cheated on her and the first girl with a guy. And he bragged to her friends about the girls he saw when he was admitted to a mental hospital. When she gave up her time to visit him and show dedication but it just seemed like it didn't matter. Because he broke her heart the second time. He was her second time saying the words "I love you" and she ment it, the first was the best friend that she dated that she no longer spoke to.

It didn't matter she blamed herself for trusting him.

She then she met a new guy a couple months later. They couldn't see each other in person and the cronavirus pandemic happened so it's not like that made it any easier so they were on FaceTime a lot. He makes this girl of glass feel like her cracks and everything about her is good. He makes her feel normal, is patient and sweet. He's funny and smart. And looks at both sides of the story before jumping to any conclusions. And he was a healthy mix of immature and mature that made her smile and laugh and also taught her things.

So maybe, in a world where she was a girl made of glass, she was unique and she couldn't see it yet.

(the video isn't mine)

[deliadexaerisofficialuniver-blog]

I was reading the Wikipedia article about transgender people and it talks about what it refers to as "early onset dysphoria," and "late onset dysphoria," like, okay... if you experience dysphoria that started later in life, or you came to terms with your identity, or had a change in identity later in life, that's valid, but reading the descriptions in the article, I can't help but feel like they might suffer a bit from a lack of trans input...

The way they read, it acts like trans women who experience dysphoria and feminine identity and gender early in life are all shouting about it and trying to cut our dicks off in the shower/tub, and trying on our mom's clothes and begging for dresses at the age of 3, and like, no..

I have experienced dysphoria as long as I can remember. I didn't ever try to cut my penis off back then, but I was intent on hiding it, wishing it would go away. My parents thought this was weird and tried to encourage me to be "proud" of it. I thought this was weird When I found out my mom didn't have one, I wanted it gone even more. I could no longer rationalize it away as awkward, and weird feeling, but necessary for peeing. When I asked what had happened to hers, my parents said "Girls don't have those." This broke my tiny heart, because according to them, it meant I was a boy, which was the last thing I ever wanted to be. I hated boys. I thought they were gross, mean, and all around horrible. When my parents made me socialize and spend time with little boys my age, I hated it. I wanted to be away from them, back home where I could cloister myself in my room. At the time, I felt like my older half-brother was just the worst. When my older half-sisters got to take time away from their mom to come visit, it was the best. They didn't feel like bullies. They treated me like a little person. 

When I started school, I immediately ingratiated myself with the other girls, and distanced myself socially from boy-world as much as possible. Most of my friends were other girls, and I avoided socializing with the boys like the plague. To me, they seemed gross, mostly dim, and like bullies. There were a few boys in the gifted program with me who seemed different, but they were the exception rather than the rule. Basically, I saw the majority of boys as less like me in every way, and the other girls as more like me, and much more pleasant and safe feeling to be around. It's my understanding that a lot of other girls feel this way too, so I guess this makes sense. And for the record, yeah, I absolutely wished I could've asked my parents for clothes and jewelry like the other girls wore. I was jealous as all get-out. I wanted belly-shirts, jelly shoes, skirts,chunky bracelets and necklaces... I just knew better than to ask...

Going to the Sanrio store at the mall with my sisters when they visited was like a dream. I wanted everything cute and girly in the store, but the only thing that felt gender-neutrally safe enough to ask for was a foam lizard on a walking wire with pink sunglasses. Going shopping anywhere was still torture. I remember vividly, seeing the girls' clothes, feeling this aching inside, wanting to ask for any of it, all of it, for skirts, jelly shoes, bracelets, necklaces, Lisa Frank backpacks... I just knew I couldn't. I knew that if I did ask, I'd be punished, or that at the very least publicly reprimanded and made to feel like there was something wrong with me, because boys didn't get to wear those clothes, or get those accessories, no matter whether I *felt* like a boy or not. All the same, I wanted it all, inside, I *needed* it all. I felt *ANXIETY* inside. I could feel my heart *POUNDING* in my chest, at my silence, *BEGGING* me to break my silence and ask before it was too late and we passed it by to go to the checkout. My whole body felt weak, wibbly, staticy... but I knew better. I just *KNEW* better so I never did. I managed to ask for one notebook with rainbow-space dolphins on it. That was about all I felt safe asking for. I don't remember if it was Lisa Frank or not, but it made me happy.

Anyway, growing up, my parents never really heard me voice my dysphoria, aside from a simple nod of my head when they asked me if I was "ashamed" of my penis in response to the way I always covered it whenever I was naked, and rushed to put on underwear. I remember crying about it once when they basically detained me from my usual rush to cover myself in the fabric, seemingly trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me, why I was so averse to my bottom-half being naked after bathing when they were both naked But aside from that, they got none of the "typical" "signs" that cis people seem to think are somehow just *UNIVERSAL* to a trans youth. I didn't try on *either* of my parents clothes when I was little. To this day, I still don't get that whole concept. I guess maybe I just saw myself as my own person and less like I was destined to grow into a copy of one of them or the other.

Growing up, I didn't really know much about trans people existing, I didn't know there was a word for it. I remember hearing a joke about a "Sex Change" once in some movie or TV show, and because it was treated as a joke, I didn't think it referred to anything *real* I remember watching a Crocodile Dundee movie, I don't remember which one, and seeing a scene which depicted the main character as heroic for sexually assaulting a trans woman in a bar, grabbing her painfully by the testicles until she collapsed... This only reinforced the idea that people with my kind of body weren't allowed to wear dresses. As the movie put it, she wasn't a "real" woman, she was "really a man," and her genitals served as proof, again, reinforcing to 5 year-old me that I wasn't "allowed" to be a girl. I found story-writing, art, video games, and eventually role-playing Dungeons and Dragons with my friends in high-school as my only outlets for the girl I was, who felt trapped inside a cage of a body I hated, not only for feeling wrong, but for denying me my identity.

I was lucky again to be surrounded by other female friends. When I was about to start 4th grade, my parents decided to move, so I changed schools, and when we did, I was forced to socialize with boys and make male friends. Looking back, it makes me wonder if my guidance counselors had said anything about my chosen feminine socialization, essentially if they had "found me out," for almost exclusively making friends and socializing with other girls. I don't know if that was the case or not, but they were intent on pushing me into friendships with the boys in the neighborhood we were moving into. It didn't work though. A girl moved in next door, and she became my closest friend. I guess my parents left me alone about it because they, and all the kids on the bus figured we were dating, and yeah, I thought she was cute, but there was no return interest. We were just friends, and I loved it that way.

We started hanging out playing this game with all my dinosaur toys where we would give them all names and complex personalities and characters and life stories, and basically role-play out their lives as though they were in some soap opera/reality show. I guess it was kind of like the way a lot of girls play with dolls, we just used dinosaur toys. It was kind of my idea at first, but she got really into it with me and we'd play like this basically every day after school until we got more interested in video games. Even then, we still split time with the dinosaur toys, and I don't think we ever really stopped until late in middle school.

Middle school was a weird time for me. I had started to feel like a social reject/outcast in 4th and 5th grade, but Middle School just got worse. I got these bar-framed glasses that didn't really help matters either. The other kids had started bullying me for my feminine mannerisms, the way I walked, talked, cocked my hips out standing and leaning, used my hands when I talked, carried them in front of me, etc. back in fourth grade, but it just got worse in middle school. Everyone assumed I was a gay boy, and they treated me with that violence. Often it was social, sometimes it got physical, until at a point, I'd had enough, and decided to beat the crap out of one of my bullies to say enough was enough. Everyone said I fought like a girl because I attacked with my legs, but I really didn't care. People compared me to a girl all the time, and I guess it was supposed to bother me, but it never did. Nothing in me wanted to be masculine, or saw femininity as a negative.

When I got to high school, I sort of made my own crowd with a few of the other nerds, two guys I'd known in elementary and middle school, with the addition of one of their older brothers I met, and 3 other nerdy girls, two of whom were goth like me, and we formed a D&D group. I was especially close for a time with one of them who rode my bus, and when we were turning 16 (her birthday was the day before mine), she convinced her parents to let us have a slumber party. We went to see Underworld, and came back to her place, where we hung out and listened to goth rock, burned incense, I got to try some of her hemp chapstick, and in the morning she asked if she could put me in some of her clothes and makeup. Hanging out at school, she and a few of my other friends would remark in a non-bullying, more neutral way on how they felt like I was "such a girl," and I'd just reply that I felt like a "Lesbian trapped in a boy's body." It was something I'd heard one of my older half-brothers say jokingly to his friends once, but I meant it sincerely. When she'd finished dressing me, putting me in makeup, and straightening my hair (something my parents wouldn't let me do), she showed me to myself in the mirror, and said "This is how I see you on the inside." I felt a way I had never felt before in my life. Looking at myself in the mirror, I felt beautiful. I didn't hate what I saw and wish I was different. It felt right, I felt at home. I wanted to stay in that dress and that makeup forever. I told her she was right. She started taking pictures though, and I couldn't deal with that. I cried and asked her to delete them, which she did. She was upset by this, and looking back I wish I hadn't, but I was afraid. Her parents caught us and disciplined her, saying it was inappropriate, and acting like they thought that being dressed up this way was why I was upset. The real reason was I was afraid of being bullied at school, punished by my parents, even kicked out of school.

I still didn't know trans people were a thing, anything at all about transitioning. At school I drew myself as a girl when one of my friends had drawn herself as a boy, and called it a "gender-bend." I made no secret to my friend that I wished that girl I drew was me.

When we played D&D, I started with a male character, a halfling druid, but when he suffered an untimely fate, I switched to two new characters, a female halfling rogue named Sarah, and an Elven witch named Delia, and I never went back. Delia had actually been written up, drawn, and played in a solo campaign before the death of my druid, but as time went on, she became my main in preference to Sarah, though they inhabited two separate campaigns, and really became an outlet for self-expression. I was goth, and obsessed with the paranormal, so was she, I wanted to be sensual, so she was a very sensual woman. I enjoyed swordplay, so she was a fencer. I loved dance, and wanted to dance, she was a dancer. If I'd been assigned female at birth, I wanted to grow to be a sex symbol, like Britney Spears, so she was. She was even a part time dabbler in music. Arguably she had more character and personality than any other character I ever played at the table. I loved playing the campaign she was in. When we did, I jumped up from the table. I threw on an accent. I threw on her personality, and walked around and basically played her actions in role-playing situations, and even in combat, when she did something really cool. My gaming group decided she was a "self-insert character" the Player's Handbook 2 for D&D 4E described as a character meant to represent a fantasized and idealized version of the self, and... she was. True, a lot of her is fantasy, I can't step into the Feywild to hop across a battlefield, or summon undead spirits or turn into a wraith, but for all intents and purposes, she was meant to be the woman I would be in a world where all that was real. She even carried my airheaded lack of common sense, my love of reptiles, books, getting drinks and having a good time, she was more of a rule-breaker, a rebel, and an all around "Bad-girl" than I would've ever believed I'd become in life, but eventually I did. My Dungeons and Dragons Group stayed together through college, and that was the place where I was most comfortable showing myself, even in this limited way, but still not knowing trans people existed, or anything about them until college when I got to go to a gay bar.

One of my friends brought me to Emerald City in Pensacola to see a drag show, and told me that she wanted to do drag king performances, and that I should try out drag performance as a place to unleash my "inner woman," or as she put it my inner Tarja Turunen. I always envied @Tarja. I wished and dreamt of a life where I could be a singer for Nightwish or some other similar woman-fronted hardcore fantasy metal project. So I agreed. I was so excited.

We weren't quite ready to perform ourselves, but the next show we went to, my friends asked if I wanted to dress up and I was thrilled. I borrowed some of my gf's clothes, which she was super-excited about (She had a thing for trans girls), did my makeup and we went. We had been talking about what my drag persona's name should be and my friend suggested that I use "Delia," the same name as my D&D character. She said it was obvious that character was basically me, and it was fitting, so that was my name for the night. I had the time of my life. I felt beautiful, I felt sexy, I felt free. It was a crowded show followed by a dance party. Lesbians were hitting on me, I felt like I could dance and move on the floor the way I wanted without being judged... I felt alive.

When we started doing shows, it felt like a night of the week to get out of my skin, and be myself. I wasn't a traditional queen, I didn't do camp makeup, or wear the outfits they wore, sometimes I even wore pants... I dressed goth, the way I wanted. I did my makeup in goth style, other queens called me "fish," said they thought I was "a real girl," when I did my first routines, tried to teach me the "right" way to do things, suggested I do some Cher instead of Nightwish and Within Temptation. I didn't care. I did things my way. I rocked goth metal, and Dresden Dolls pieces as Harley Quinn. I used it as my stage to either be myself and live my fantasy of being a metal vocal goddess, or portray my favorite characters. To myself, I wasn't a queen. I was me.

I remember one night in my early days I felt I was looking particularly bomb, looking in the mirror saying "Hello You," A hello to myself. I felt like a blossoming woman, opening up like a flower to my little Thursday night life. I still didn't really know what trans people were though. There was a bigender AMAB person working at the bar who had gone through some transitioning procedures, but we didn't really ask her about herself. I felt like it was private, and just used she/her pronouns for her, having been taught it was a sign of respect to do so for the other queens, and to expect other people to do so for me.

Eventually when my coworkers at the mall, and their friends working in the food court found out about my performances, they introduced me to a trans woman named "Debbie" who worked in the food court, and explained that she was born assigned male. The way they described her transition was a bit transphobic. "She used to be a man but then she got her penis turned inside out and now she's a woman." It set the stage for creating an fear of genital reconstructive surgery that would plague me for 6 years.

They didn't say anything about hormone replacement therapy or other procedures, and she never brought it up when we met. I felt it was impolite to ask about her business, and just treated her like any other woman. She gave me makeup, said "hi" when I saw her at the mall, but we didn't interact much outside of that. She called herself my "drag mom." I never learned anything about being trans from her, but she was the first trans person I ever met and knew was trans.

As time went on, I met another trans person named Sammy. She was a friend of a friend, they'd met at University, and I found out a little bit more about being trans. She had no plans on surgery, didn't talk about HRT, or anything like that. She gave me some old wigs. I learned about social transition from her, and my friend suggested that maybe a social transition might be right for me. I gave it some thought, started occasionally going out in public presenting as female. The first time was exciting and scary... It wasn't something I continued very much outside of going to night classes at Pensacola State before drag shows. I was afraid people would think I was weird. In addition my girlfriend at the time started expressing a desire to incorporate feminine presentation into our sex life, and it made me incredibly uncomfortable, and drove me away from female presentation. I didn't know what to call it at the time, but it was dysphoria triggering. Dressing up the way she wanted me to for sex, stuffed bra and everything would just remind me of how much I wasn't a "real" girl, and how much I wished I had been born a cis woman. At the time, I spent a lot of time talking to my friend about my feelings, and she suggested transitioning, but I remarked to her that I was sure it wouldn't feel real. Again I still had no knowledge of HRT, complete misconceptions of surgery... I told her that the only way I thought I would ever be happy would be if I could wave a magic wand or kill myself and be reborn as a "real" girl. (I didn't know the word "cis" at the time. I considered the two trans women I knew as women and respected them as such, but I felt like the only way I could be happy was if I'd been born cis. I wouldn't learn the realities of transition and hormones and surgery for another 6 years.

Eventually the drag shows at EC lost popularity though, and eventually stopped altogether. I lost my outlet, and felt like a chapter of my life had closed. Eventually the drag shows at EC lost popularity though, and eventually stopped altogether. I lost my outlet, and felt like a chapter of my life had closed. My girlfriend and I had broken up shortly before the shows stopped, and I started seeing a new person, who eventually came out as non-binary, but identified outwardly as a cis woman at the time.

We had actually first met through my nextdoor neighbor right before high school started. We went to a football game together in high school, flirted a bit here and there, they'd gone off to a career in adult film and dance after graduating and had just come back home. Eventually, when I came out, they were very supportive, but at the time we started dating, they wanted to "man" me up. When they brought me home to her parents, they said "Are you sure that's not a girl," and they set to work altering my wardrobe. They pushed me to be more masculine in behavior, treated my feminine behaviors less like they were part of my femininity, and were instead something I needed to "outgrow." Wanting to please them, I started trying to put on a mask of masculinity, but I never felt like it stuck, never felt like it was anything but a transparent act. Eventually they left me for a super macho marine, and I spent many nights crying myself to sleep. I couldn't figure out what to do. I told them I could be more masculine for them, that I'd do all sorts of things to make myself more manly, beef up, whatever it took, all the while hating the very idea more than anything. I just wanted them back. At the same time, I cried myself to sleep thinking that maybe I should just "get a sex change" as I put it, but bemoaning the idea of walking around, feeling like a freak, with a boob job and a sensationless inside-out penis that looked nothing like a vulva/vagina. I thought I'd still smell "like a man," my boobs would look fake, my "vagina" would just be a sensationless hole, I felt like bottom surgery was just for people who wanted penis-owners to be able to have sex with them. I didn't think my vagina would be "mine." None of this was true, but it was what I'd been taught about trans people, and it left me in despair. In addition, dating them had been such an intense psychological experience for me, specifically with regard to my transness. I saw in them everything that was the woman I wished I was. They were bold, sexy, shameless. They were a dancer. They had this dominating power and presence when they walked in a room. They knew what they wanted in life, and they got it. At the same time, they were a free spirit, they went where their whims and the wind took them. They dreamed big and lived big. I wanted to be them, so much, on every level, I felt like I had begun to just live through them, wishing I was them, and being apart, it was like I had lost my sense of self. Being with them was like I had found myself, living in another person, being away from them, too scared to be the woman I was inside, the woman I wanted to be, the woman I saw personified in them in so many ways, I was broken, and I almost killed myself.

Instead of transitioning, I turned back to dating to see if I could found what I lost in another person, and it began an incredibly unhealthy relationship I eventually married into. While we were together, I wanted her to be me for me, I wanted to mold her into the woman I wished I was. I wanted to live vicariously through her. It's something I'm incredibly ashamed and not at all proud of. While we were together, before we got married, I became re-acquainted with a friend I'd had in elementary school gifted who had come out as a transgender woman and was planning her own transition. Other friends of hers had seen or heard about my drag performances while that was a thing, and referred them to me for tips on clothing and makeup, but I honestly had a lot more to learn from her.

Other friends of hers had seen or heard about my drag performances while that was a thing, and referred them to me for tips on clothing and makeup, but I honestly had a lot more to learn from her. Even though she hadn't started HRT, she was the first person to teach me that hormone replacement therapy was a thing, and direct me to websites where I could learn more about HRT, and vaginoplasty, and even see my first actual photos of actual vaginoplasty results. It was life changing. For years, all that had held me back were fears rooted in ignorance and misinformation spread by a transphobic society. Those results I saw weren't just a penis turned inside-out. That surgery was more than a science, it was an art-form.  got to read up on vaginoplasty and learn that it was carried out with care, and attention to detail, that my parts were the same basic building blocks, built into a different shape, and that my vulva and vagina would feel, look, and function normally. I learned that nerves were preserved and sensation was there, aesthetics were there, that I'd have a clitoral glans, labia, external sensation, internal sensation, muscular control, and even some wetness from hormones. I learned that hormone replacement would help me grow natural breasts, and change the distribution of my facial and body fat, and even change the way my body smelled. I went to my (then) fiancee, and was so excited to share all this news. She'd been respectful of my friend's pronouns and very friendly with them, and I thought she'd be supportive of me too. She wasn't.

She told me she'd "signed up for a man," and to "shove it back in the closet or else." I'll never forget those words. We got married a little over a year later, but a few months in, when I came out as bigender her family got violent and things started falling apart. She grew distant and cold, snappish whenever she came home to find me presenting as female, it was obvious she was displeased and wanted me to know it. I told her there'd be more days like this coming, and before long she wanted a divorce.

The up side is that I was free to explore myself more, and I very quickly fore-went the idea of being bigender, as it just wasn't me. There are tons of valid bigender people, but no part of me wanted to continue living as a man. I came out as a transgender woman shortly thereafter once I had decided that I wanted to transition socially, and medically with HRT and GRS. That started it's own rough road, but just coming out and making the decision to transition gave me such a sense of wholeness. I guess you could say I'd known who I was for a long time, really on some level my whole life, but I'd been ignoring it, running from it, trying to compromise it, and at the age of 26 I finally accepted myself. To my closest friends, it came as no surprise. "About time," "Took you long enough," They were happy for me and supportive. For some people in my life, denial was the chosen route of coping. For some, who hadn't known me on as deep a level, somehow even for my own mother, the easiest route was to deny it, write it off as something I was doing to please the new partner I started seeing after my ex-wife, act like it was out of the blue, couldn't be true. I feel like that's similar to the experiences of a lot of trans women who come out in life, whether they experience "late onset dysphoria," or whether they simply didn't have the knowledge that trans people existed, the words to use, didn't feel safe expressing...

For me, my dysphoria was there as long as I could remember, I knew I didn't want to be a boy, my body felt foreign, especially my penis. Any idea of becoming traditionally "masculine" hit me with a sense of dread. I just imagined that all boys must want to be girls. Maybe I just had early onset dysphoria, and didn't have the knowledge to identify what my feelings were, the words to express it...

I know I didn't feel safe even once I found some level of expression in High School, even before I knew what transitioning was, outside of confiding in my closest friends. When kids bullied me thinking I was a gay boy, I couldn't stand it. When they just called me out for being feminine/girly, I never really cared. I didn't see it as a negative. I saw it as me. I saw nothing to be ashamed of, but for them it was a cause for violence. To a lot of cis people from the outside though, especially people who don't know me as well, I feel like it would be easy to look at how I came out later on in my 20's and mistake me for experiencing "late-onset" dysphoria. Really I don't like the term...

I don't like the term, or the way it's defined, or talked about. I feel like it erases experiences of dysphoria that many trans people have experienced for a lifetime and simply not had the language to express. When the Wikipedia article on transgender people talks about "Late-Onset" dysphoria, it makes note to say that trans women who come out in their adult life may be more likely to associate sexual feelings with presenting in women's clothing... And I feel like that needs to be addressed, because a lot of women's clothing that you find in adult life is *DESIGNED* *SPECIFICALLY* to sexualize women's bodies, and frankly I find nothing wrong with a woman who's trans feeling sexy in sexy clothes.

And I feel like that needs to be addressed, because a lot of women's clothing that you find in adult life is *DESIGNED* *SPECIFICALLY* to sexualize women's bodies, and frankly I find nothing wrong with a woman who's trans feeling sexy in sexy clothes. Plenty of cis women feel sexy in clothing that are designed to look sexy, and I find nothing wrong with either of these things. There's nothing wrong with being confident, or a woman feeling like she can own her sexuality and be sexy.

Women are the only gender who literally have clothing designed and marketed at us specifically FOR SEX. Let me say that again: We literally have entire sections of clothing at the store designed JUST for sex. At the same time, women's clothing in general, especially for young adults is made specifically to evoke sexuality. It accents curves, fits tight in all the "right" places. It shows off assets. It's covered in symbols of sexuality and romance. And this is also the culture young women are brought into. To look at ourselves, and the clothing rack, and ask "How can I make myself sexy?" "How can I make a mate want me?" "What accents my tits? My ass? My legs?" When you grow into that slowly, I feel like it's a bit less of a shock, but when you just get thrown into that world of skinny jeans and push-up bras and plunging necklines, stockings, fishnets, leg-shaving, and adorning accessories, where even the baggy sweatpants are fuzzy and say "Juicy" on the ass... It's pretty easy to see where one can have a bit of a shocking "Damn, I feel sexy like all the time" reaction, especially before HRT, and you know what, there's nothing wrong with that...

It's perfectly acceptable for a woman to feel sexy in her own skin, and if she's wearing clothing she feels confident and sexy in, then fuck, it's even perfectly normal for her to feel arousal with that confidence... The problem is that society is too quick to demonize women's sexuality, discourage us from *owning* feeling sexy, or enjoying it. Unless it serves a man's pleasure, our sexuality is taboo. We are allowed to be sexy as eye candy, but if a woman *feels* sexy, that's too much. If a woman looks in the mirror and feels confident, or aroused, that's too threatening for a patriarchal society to deal with, but it's a perfectly normal female experience. Straight women get it, lesbians get it, cis women get it, trans women get it. "early onset," or "late onset" has nothing to do with it, but if someone is just finally delving into that world of sexy clothes as a young adult, or even an adult, It's an adjustment. On top of that, women who are trans who come out later in life may not necessarily know the taboos. They didn't grow up in a world of sexual repression the same way that other women have, where sexuality is shamed and shackled from the moment of puberty.

Frankly I feel like we shouldn't care. I feel like no woman should care. I feel like we should all feel free to rebel against the taboos and be as sexual on our own terms as we want.

Another bigger problem, however, and where I severely take issue with the way a likely cis author has chosen to talk about this as though it were in any way abnormal is that society *LOVES* to hypersexualize trans people, specifically trans women, and make it *weird.* And I really feel like all of this stems from the fact that cis people *DO* in fact see us as sexually attractive, which is perfectly normal and acceptable, but can't deal with it on the basis of ingrained transphobia, and have to blow it out of proportion.

That's why trans porn is one of the highest ranking search categories, that's why trans women all over the internet have our inboxes *FLOODED* with men sending dick pics and going on and on about how much they want to "worship a girl-cock." That's why even cis women end up thinking it's okay to just sexually harass trans women out the wazoo with "best of both worlds," bullshit. The truth is that cis people, even when they won't admit it, can't get enough of us and the sexual fascination they experience over the idea of a woman with a penis, or a man with a vagina, and from this side, let me tell you, it gets fucking old. The problem is that because of institutionalized transphobia, even though cis people *DO* find trans people sexually attractive, publicly, y'all aren't *ALLOWED* to. It's taboo, it breaks social conventions, it shakes the idea of cisheteronormativity to its core, and like many sexual taboos, this leads to fetishization, whether closeted or open, and hypersexualization of trans people whether we want it or not. So that when y'all choose to talk about us, or write about us, the focus is on anything and everything sexual y'all can find, and often, in order to maintain a transphobic status quo, to try to make it weird. Literally the way the article reads seems to say between the lines: "Trans women who come out later in life sexualize themselves and women's clothing and experience a fetish and that's weird." It seems *INTENTIONALLY* skewed to portray the sudden but normal adjustment to feeling sexy in clothing specifically designed by a society that sexualizes women to accent everything sexy about us that it can as something *BIZZARE* and *SEXUALLY DEVIANT*

It's normal to feel sexy in clothing designed to sexualize your body. All women experience this to some extent. It's just less of a sudden shock when you've had an adjustment period, and not something that's talked about all the time when it's normal. Basically, it seems like it's trying to portray this so called "Late-Onset" Dysphoria as being synonymous with a cross-dressing fetish, and that's just not okay, not at all.

Trans women who feel sexy in clothing designed to evoke a woman's sexuality aren't experiencing a cross-dressing fetish. They are experiencing a normal part of presenting as female in a society that sexualizes women and designs our clothes to evoke that.

The article also notes that so called "Late-Onset" Dysphoria experiencing trans women are more likely to identify as lesbians... OH BOY. Seems like they are legit *TRYING* to feed into the autogynephelia myth here...

First off, PLENTY of trans women experience attraction to other women, regardless of when our dysphoria started, or when we chose to recognize it as such. I have experienced dysphoria my whole life, and yet I also like women, and my experiences are far from abnormal. *MANY* trans women with early onset dysphoria are lesbians or otherwise sapphic. The problem is that our society is homophobic, and literally associates liking men as a trait of femininity, and liking women as a trait of masculinity, which is wrong. Orientation has no bearing on gender, or vice versa.

Because of this, a trans woman who likes men is more likely to be recognized as trans early on by her parents, friends, and family members, because liking men is one of those things that society looks at and says "OH! You like men! That's a WOMAN thing!" And this is a load of homophobic bullshit. Many men like men, many women like women. Not to sound trite, but we're here, we're queer, and trans or cis, we'd appreciate it if you'd hurry the fuck up and finally get fucking used to it. Conversely a trans woman who likes other women won't have her orientation flagged as a "reason" she should be looked at as more female, so it's easier to escape recognition by her family and friends.

Upon coming out, family and friends may even respond with confusion: "Wait, you like women? So why would you 'want' to *BE* one?" again, a load of homopohobic and transphobic bullshit. Cis gay men aren't gay because they want to be women, otherwise they'd be straight trans women. Lesbian women aren't gay because they want to be men, otherwise they'd be straight trans men. These are two totally different things. Trans people are sick of it, cis queer people are sick of it, and it's about time society stopped conflating who you like with what your gender is. Liking women isn't an inherently male trait. Liking men isn't an inherently feminine trait. Who you like isn't gendered.

Anyway, PLENTY of trans women who have known dysphoria and identified as women since an early age, whether internally or externally like women. So do many who come out later in life. Acting like it's some special artifact of "Late-Onset" dysphoria is erasive, transphobic, and when coupled with bullshit making it seem weird that a trans woman who comes out later in life feels sexy in sexy clothes, it's problematic as fuck. It seems hand-tailored to split trans women into two groups: The *REAL* trans women who wear our mommies' clothes and try to chop off our penises and demand dresses when we are 3 years old, and the *fake* sexual deviant "trans women" who come out later in life.

The reality is that *ALL* trans women are valid, some of us are lesbians, bi, or pan, and *ALL* women have a right to feel sexually empowered when we put on an outfit we feel we look bomb AF in. So, yeah. This "Late-Onset" Dysphoria bullshit is exactly that, bullshit. Not saying that some trans women don't start experiencing and recognizing our identities later in life, so not saying that late-onset dysphoria isn't real, some trans women don't experience dysphoria at all, and that's all valid. What I *AM* saying is that the way the Wikipedia article on trans women has been written (probably by a cis "expert") is dubious at best, ignorant, and transphobic at worst, and furthermore that the only people who have any right *AT ALL* to be *TALKING* or *WRITING* about late onset dysphoria are *SHOCK*: Trans people who experienced it and embrace that concept/narrative. You may notice that I put the "expert" in "cis expert" in quotes earlier. This is because there is no such thing as a "cis expert" on trans people. We are the only experts. Every trans person has more experience with transness than any cis person ever could.

We live trans lives, we experience them from day one. *WE* are the experts. *WE* are the ones who should be in charge of our narratives, and *WE* are the ones who should be deciding whether our dysphoria was "Early-Onset" or "Late-Onset," or even experienced at all.

For trans women who experienced dysphoria later on in life, came out later on in life, for those of you for whom it took years  to come to terms with your gender, you need to know you are valid. You're allowed to be who you are and love who you want. There's no time that's too late to know yourself, to come out, to start your transition, and you are allowed to feel sexy in whatever clothing you want, and should be free to do so without cis people acting like it's a fetish. You deserve to know that it's normal to feel sexy in clothes that your body rocks, and that you're no different from any other woman, "early-onset" dysphoric trans women, cis women, or trans women who experience no dysphoria, and just know their identity as women.

For cis people... Seriously, cut this bullshit out and stop acting like trans people are weirdly hypersexual or sexual deviants just because y'all want to hypersexualize us out of your own insecurities with finding us attractive. And stop acting like you know what is and isn't "normal" for trans people, or how we experience and express dysphoria. If anything a lot of what y'all term "Late-Onset" Dysphoria is more likely stories like mine... Stories of trans women who knew dysphoria early, but had no language for it, who knew we weren't boys, but also knew that we weren't allowed to be girls, who knew on account of y'all's transphobia that there were *CONSEQUENCES* to asking for the clothes we wanted... consequences for announcing that we were girls, that we felt like we were girls, that we were uncomfortable in our bodies and wished they were different...

Literally, I'm willing to bet that 90% of the time that a trans person comes out later in life, it's literally cis people's fault for creating an environment of hostility and violence towards trans people who do come out. If any repression comes with that, it's similarly also y'all's fault. If you want to fix it, then change trans-focused media to hire trans actors to depict trans people, and trans writers to write our characters and stories. Change the education system to teach about trans people in schools at an early age so that even if we don't learn at home, or have parents who want to prevent us from knowing ourselves, we can learn that we are valid, and be able to acknowledge that and communicate it early.

Seriously, you don't have to make us sexual. It can be as simple as "Some people who are labeled as boys at birth feel like girls and are really girls. Some people who are labeled as girls at birth feel like boys and are really boys." Very G-rated. and even better, throw in "Some people don't feel like either of those labels fits, and might be nonbinary, or not have a gender at all and be agender." "Some people feel like where they fit changes from time to time and are genderfluid." Actually talk about the word "gender" and what it is and means instead of copping out saying "it's a polite way to say sex," when sex and gender are two separate constructs. Let trans people be the ones who tell *Y'ALL* what our experiences are like instead of trying to guess from the other side of the fence based on what your existing transphobic institutions have spoon fed to you to make us seem "weird" and wrong.

Basically, if you're not trans, and you feel like going and typing on a public resource what you feel like we are and aren't, and how you want to define our narratives that you don't experience, kindly shut up, and let us speak for ourselves. We aren't yours to categorize and define, we categorize and define ourselves. It's kind of the essence of being trans. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

[stayathomesurveys]

106.

What color are your eyes? My eyes are blue. Is anyone you work with currently on maternity leave or vacation? I don’t have a job. Favorite boys name? Gabriel. Baked macaroni and cheese or regular? Bakedddd. What’s the first thing you learned how to draw? Probably a star or heart. I remember learning how to draw both of those, mainly stars.

Name one of your friends’ children: Anthony. What was the name of your 5th grade teacher? Mrs. Collins. Sterling silver or titanium? Sterling silver.

How many hours do you work in a day? None. Have you ever been to a casino? Yeah. What’s the middle name of your bestfriend? I don’t have a best friend. What’s your favorite food? Right now, definitely chicken nuggets/tenders. How far away do you live from the closest aquarium? I’m sure there is one closer than the National Aquarium in Baltimore, but I wouldn’t know. So, I’ll go with that one. it’s about 45 mins to an hour away, maybe more, depends on traffic. Favorite girls name? Not sure. I like a lot of girls names. Name one of your candle scents: Paris Cafe from Bath & Body Works. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant? I don’t really have a favorite restaurant atm. Are you in a relationship? If so, how long? Yes, 4 years. Who in your family has a birthday in January? My dad. What’s your favorite flower? Sunflowers.

Do you drink alcohol? Rarely. Do you use any food delivery services such as UberEats, DoorDash, etc? Yeah. What color is your mailbox? Black. What is one school supply that is mainly needed? Pencils. What age did you lose your virginity? 20. Dogs or cats? Cats. Do you know anyone who’s been to prison? Not that I’m aware of. What’s one thing on your shopping list? Chips, dip, hamburger buns. Freeze tag or musical chairs? I liked both, but mainly freeze tag! Have you ever been stuck in the mud? Yeah. What was the last thing you took a picture of? Myself lol. Name someone you work with: No job :) How far away is the closest Walmart? Like 25 minutes away by car. Chick-fil-A, Taco Bell or McDonald’s? I like all 3 but it depends on my mood. I’ve been in more of a CFA or Taco Bell mood lately. Did you ever get an allowance as a child? For a very brief period of time when I begged my parents for chores/an allowance. it didn’t last very long. What food do you see the most of at baby showers? Cupcakes? I don’t know. I’ve only been to one baby shower and it was my sister’s in 2015. Do you know the capital of your state? Yeah. Have you ever rode on a motorcycle? No. When’s the last time you ate any type of sweet? Today. Pizza rolls or bagel bites? Pizza Rolls. What kind of flooring is in the room you’re in? Carpet. Is the internet connection good where you live at? Yeah. Do you need to do laundry? Yes. What’s your favorite scent? Not sure. Have you ever lived in a hotel before? Yes. What kind of pets does your grandmother have? No grandparents. Do you follow any type of trials? No. What’s the last show you really got into that you have to wait for the next season of? For All Mankind, Stranger Things SpongeBob or Patrick? Patrick. When’s the last time you seen fireworks? Not sure. Have you ever witnessed a car accident? I don’t think so. Do you own a pair of fuzzy socks? Yes. What kind of ice cream is your favorite? Chocolate, coffee, moose tracks, chocolate brownie Have you ever been skinny dipping? No. Sprinkles or frosting? Frosting. Do you like mushrooms? Yes. How many tattoos do you have? 2. Do you own any type of hand sanitizers? Yes. Have you ever worked in a grocery store? No. What’s your Subway order? I don’t like Subway anymore except for their chicken, bacon, ranch (with rotisserie chicken only). When was the last time you used the bathroom? Like 10 minutes ago. Do you know how to roller skate? I haven’t roller skated in years but yeah. Can you read sheet music? I used to be able to. How old is your youngest sibling? 21. Do you have an Amazon account? I do. What day is payday? No job. Correy gets paid on Thursday though. What’s one food your family has at Thanksgiving? Turkey? Do you like painting? Yeah but it’s not something I really do. Have you ever been swimming with dolphins? No. What’s your favorite snack food? Chips and dip. You’re watching Law & Order, is it the regular or SVU? SVU. What was you doing last time it snowed? March, I think. Do you have to sleep with a fan on? I don’t have any fans but yeah, I sleep with my a/c on. Chapstick or lip gloss? Chapstick. When was the last time you took a shower? This morning. Do you know how to play basketball? No. Name one thing you put on a salad: I like to add hard boiled eggs. Do you own anything that’s your favorite color? Yes. What’s the last thing you ordered from a Mexican restaurant? Fajitas. Do you carry a purse or a backpack? Purse. What kind of soda is your favorite? Zero cal Coke, Pepsi, and Dr. Pepper. Have you ever cut yourself shaving? Yes. Penguins or pandas? Penguins. Do you like your in-laws? I’m not married. What do you usually do for Christmas? Nothing anymore :( Have you ever used any type of Aromatherapy? No. Toe socks or ankle socks? Ankle socks. What’s the temperature range in your area? It is 83 degrees. Does your trash need to be taken out? Not yet. Nachos or chips and salsa? Both. What’s the name of your pets? Zoe, Leo, Daisy, Mochi, and Freckle :) Have you been around anyone that creeped you out? Yes. What’s your Chick-fil-A order? Depends. Either a chicken sandwich w/ mayo and a sweet tea, chicken nuggets w/ polynesian sauce & sweet tea, or chicken strips w/ polynesian sauce & sweet tea :) Regular or pink lemonade? Either or. Do you know anyone who’s lost their house in a natural disaster? Yes. Do you own a pair of Crocs? No, they’re so ugly! Have you ever been to DisneyWorld? Yes. Does anyone in your family have a birthday in February? Nope. How long does it take for your phone to fully charge? Probably less than an hour? I don’t know, it charges pretty fast. What color is your hairbrush? I have multiple hair brushes lol. I have a silver & pink one, a couple pink ones, and a purple one. Is there any movies out that you want to see? Yeah. Do you know how to run a cash register? Yes. What year did you get your drivers license? I haven’t. Do you have any piercings? Yes. What kind of makeup do you wear? Primer, foundation, concealer, eye shadow, mascara, contour, bronzer, blush, highlight, sometimes lipstick, sometimes eyeliner.  What’s your Taco Bell order? Cheesy gordita crunch w/ chicken instead of beef. Do you wear any type of shimmer spray or glitter? No. Have you ever lived in a trailer/doublewide? Yes. What’s your boyfriends/girlfriends middle name? Ron. Are you into anime? A lil. Pizza or nacho lunchables? Nacho. Have you ever been to a strip club? No. Do you know how to play any instruments? Not anymore. Have you ever been inside of a courtroom? Yes. What kind of restaurants do you eat at while you’re on vacation? I try to go to places unique to that area. Did you ever participate in any pageants when you were younger? Almost, but I chickened out. Does your phone have any cracks or scuffs? Scuffs, yes. Have you ever had a professional massage? Nope. Which would you rather have, twins or triplets? Twins. Do you drink energy drinks? No. Can you swim? Not well. Make the perfect taco salad: Chicken, lettuce, cheese, sour cream, taco sauce. Have you ever lived with friends or a roommate? Yeah. Who in your family has a birthday in March? My mom. How much decorating do you do around the holidays? Not a lot :( Have you ever been on a cruise? No. At what age did you learn how to tie your shoes? No idea. Oreos or chocolate chip cookies? Chocolate chip cookies! What did you dress up for Halloween as a child? Mostly remember being a witch. I was also a clown at one point. My last Halloween was in 3rd grade and I was a rock star. I loved my costume and my parents let me use markers in my hair to give myself red & black highlights to match the costume. Can you count to ten in Spanish? Yes. Name a character from your favorite TV show: Meh. Do you like going to arcades? Sometimes. What was the last personal care item you bought from the store? Body wash. Airplanes or helicopters? Airplanes. Have you ever been camping for more than a week? No. What kind of meat do you like the most? Chicken. Have you ever been in an ambulance? No. What’s the craziest thing you’ve found at a hotel before? Nothing crazy. How far is the closest Target? LIke a 5-10 minutes drive down the road. Snakes or spiders? Snakes. What’s your Panera Bread order? I don’t really like Panera Bread enough to go out of my way to order it lol. If I have to order something it’s usually the chicken frontega sandwich and broccoli & cheese soup. Do you have any cool keychains? I guess. How old is your oldest living grandparent? I have no living grandparents. Do you watch movies? Yes. Who in your family has a birthday in April? Maybe a cousin? I don’t know. Have you ever had your nails done professionally? Yeah. What’s your go to dipping sauces? Depends on what I’m eating. Do you know how to properly pack a U-Haul truck? Probably? Do I actually do it properly - I doubt it. What was your least favorite math? All of them lmao. But if I had to choose, geometry for sure. Have you ever been published in a magazine? No. What color is your snow gloves? I don’t have snow gloves. How old were you when you last went to the dentist? 25 or 26. Do you own a printer? Yeah. Do you bring home seashells from the beach? I used to.

Is anyone in your family in law enforcement? No. How long ago was the last funeral you attended? January of this year. I have one this weekend though :( What color is the blanket on your bed? Grey. Where did you get your name from? My parents and sister. Do you wear lipstick? Rarely. What’s a fruit you dislike? Bananas. Do you know how to braid hair? Yes. What was the last name of the road you lived on? The road I lived on before my current address? Fair Ridge Drive. Do you have a phone mount in your car? Yeah.

[l0velylittlebaby]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? my boyfriend

2. Are you outgoing or shy? depends who i’m with, usually pretty quiet and shy at first

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my nephew

4. Are you easy to get along with? depends on who you are i guess

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? oh yes

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? my boyfriend and spencer reid :’)

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? yes, i hope

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? my boyfriend 

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? hell nah, i’m open af about it

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? my boyfriend i think or my best friend’s husband

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “demon” 

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? ugh i’m lazy ... just go listen to yungblud

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? oh heck yes 

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? ehhhh

15. What good thing happened this summer? went on a road trip with two of my best friends to see the ocean for the first time :’))) i might have been on my period and moody but i loved it

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? everyday for the rest of my life 

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? maybe yeah

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? nope

19. Do you like bubble baths? YES MY FAV

20. Do you like your neighbors? idk them

21. What are you bad habits? biting my nails

22. Where would you like to travel? scotland, ireland, canada and italy! 

23. Do you have trust issues? yes

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? morning kisses

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? all of it tbh

26. What do you do when you wake up? check my phone for a few minutes and then go to the bathroom

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? i don’t mind either way

28. Who are you most comfortable around? my boyfriend

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? yeah

30. Do you ever want to get married? yes

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? not currently but almost

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? matthew gray gubler and whoever plays luke alvez

33. Spell your name with your chin. -- no

34. Do you play sports? What sports? nope

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? i can’t decide, they’re both my comfort things

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? yeah

37. What do you say during awkward silences? i laugh usually

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? my boyfriend 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? thrift stores, hot topic 

40. What do you want to do after high school? i’m outta HS

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? ehhhhhh 

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? i’m tired, sad or just in my head and spacey

43. Do you smile at strangers? sometimes

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? outer space

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? idk

46. What are you paranoid about? my boyfriend cheating although i know he won’t 

47. Have you ever been high? lmao yes

48. Have you ever been drunk? oh yeah

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? black

51. Ever wished you were someone else? not anymore

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? my height

53. Favourite makeup brand? it depends on the product

54. Favourite store? hot topic

55. Favourite blog? idk

56. Favourite colour? black, red, baby pink

57. Favourite food? pasta probably

58. Last thing you ate? a quesarito

59. First thing you ate this morning? cereal

60. Ever won a competition? For what? nope 

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? yeah, punching someone in the face

62. Been arrested? For what? no

63. Ever been in love? currently am

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? it was with a girl in the school bathroom in 5th grade

65. Are you hungry right now? a little

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i don’t have friends on here

67. Facebook or Twitter? Twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr? both

69. Are you watching tv right now? yes, Catfish

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

71. Craving something? What? cold stone

72. What colour are your towels? blue

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? one

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? oh yes

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? roughly like 10 currently

75. Favourite animal? raccoon, otter

76. What colour is your underwear? black

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? chocolate or birthday cake

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? red

80. What colour pants? not wearing any

81. Favourite tv show? criminal minds

82. Favourite movie? i have a lot 

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? mean girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? 21 jump street

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? karen

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? nemo

87. First person you talked to today? technically my boyfriend but after i actually woke up, my friend kat

88. Last person you talked to today? my boyfriend

89. Name a person you hate? i don’t 

90. Name a person you love? my boyfriend

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? probably

92. In a fight with someone? nope

93. How many sweatpants do you have? like 3 or 4 but i share custody with a pair lmao

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? a lot

95. Last movie you watched? tangled 

96. Favourite actress? jenifer aniston probably 

97. Favourite actor? matthew gray gubler, johnny depp 

98. Do you tan a lot? never in my life

99. Have any pets? my friends cat 

100. How are you feeling? i’m good

101. Do you type fast? depends

102. Do you regret anything from your past? ehh not really but kind of

103. Can you spell well? depends tbh

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? i don’t think so

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yes

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? yes

107. Have you ever been on a horse? no

108. What should you be doing? probably sleeping

109. Is something irritating you right now? no

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yes

111. Do you have trust issues? yes

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? my boyfriend

113. What was your childhood nickname? steph, stephunky monkey, monkey, wednesday

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yes

115. Do you play the Wii? used to

116. Are you listening to music right now? no

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? heck yes

118. Do you like Chinese food? oh fuck yeah

119. Favourite book? lolita or impulse

120. Are you afraid of the dark? sometimes, it depends 

121. Are you mean? i can be

122. Is cheating ever okay? no

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? not really

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? ehh

125. Do you believe in true love? yes

126. Are you currently bored? yessss

127. What makes you happy? my boyfriend, my friends, memes, animals, food, reading, playing Sims

128. Would you change your name? no 

129. What your zodiac sign? libra

130. Do you like subway? yes .. i also work there

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? well that’s my boyfriend so

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my boyfriend or best friend’s husband

133. Favourite lyrics right now? i don’t know tbh

134. Can you count to one million? nah fuck that

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i don’t remember

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed

137. How tall are you? 5′2ish

138. Curly or Straight hair? straight

139. Brunette or Blonde? brunette

140. Summer or Winter? i like fall

141. Night or Day? night

142. Favourite month? october

143. Are you a vegetarian? nahhh

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? dark

145. Tea or Coffee? tea

146. Was today a good day? yes

147. Mars or Snickers? snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote? i don’t even know tbh

[cameoamalthea]

I have an eating disorder. For a long time I didn’t phrase it like that. I said ‘I have issues eating’ or ‘sometimes I forget to eat’ or ‘I eat, I eat when other people are eating’. But now I know, it’s a problem. It’s a mental illness. And I’m going to talk about it. And I welcome any tips or advice on recovery.

I was raised by a mentally ill single mother. My mother was an addict. For most of my childhood she remained relatively clean and used motherhood as a replacement for addiction. I was her world. A baby who needed her all the time. She never taught me to be more than that. How to dress myself or feed myself or even bathe myself. I slept in her bed.

She had a sickness she’d picked up from a shared needle in the eighties. When I was in 5th grade she tried a treatment that made her sicker and that spring, at barely 12 I was sent to live with an Aunt and Uncle on the other side of the country. They had two sets of twins, the eldest had just started college and the younger two had just started High School. I got the older girl’s room since she was in the dorms, and then the twins got the other two rooms (and didn’t have to share for the first time ever). My Aunt and Uncle ran that house where they’d raised so many kids like a military-themed summer camp. All of the twins were athletes, triathletes, swim team, track, competitive cycling. Everyday you wake up, do chores, get ready, go to school, every night you go for a walk for miles. They treated me like I was one of their kids in every way.

My aunt taught special needs pre-school. She was well suited to teaching me how to be socially where I should have been and developmentally. I learned to shower, dress myself, and since my hair was too long and I was too tender-headed to brush my hair, I learned that if you don’t care of your hair, you get a haircut. I came home with a short-bob, like my aunt and cousin, in the best shape of my life, and mentally much closer to where I should have been in 6th grade.

(the haircut didn’t help being bullied for ‘being a lesbian’ back home, but I’d always been bullied in school anyway, I’m ASD, ADHD, dyspraxic, dyslexic and I wasn’t socialized at all until that point, and I was poor, there was a lot to bully about).

I started to ‘grow up’, pull away from my mother. Not be her little girl. She felt I didn’t need her anymore. I was ‘grown up now’ (at 12) and she checked out and got heavily back into drugs. She started dealing for the cartels. She was gone a lot or passed out. A lot of bad things happened. I almost died several times. There was lots of abuse I’ve talked about elsewhere, but one of the things was food wasn’t guaranteed.

There might not be any food in the house. She might not be there to cook food (and I didn’t how to cook, I hadn’t been taught that, I could feed myself as in cut my own food now, but I didn’t know how to make a meal for myself, and my mom wouldn’t allow that anyway). You eat with Mom. Even before the heavy drug use she’d always been a bit emotionally abusive. I wasn’t allowed to ask for things that meant a guilt trip. ‘What do you think we’re rich? You want all food stamps just for you?’ She would give me anything, spoil me by her account, but if I hinted at what I wanted.

“Oh mommy, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we got plums. I love plums.”

But never asking. Asking in a manipulative way, so that she could be the beneficent granter of desires. Look at what she on her own decided to get me out of her kindness. Not because I asked and she had to, that would give me power over her. No, she had to hold the power. So I couldn’t ask, only wish and hope, and be careful how I phrased wanting things. Eat when my mother eat, answer if she asked what I wanted.

But Mother was on drugs now and didn’t care and wasn’t always eating, some days she wasn’t eating anything at all. So I started binging when I could get food.

The summer after my 8th grade year, at 14, I was sent to live with a different Aunt and Uncle in Phoenix. They had a son who was going into his senior year and a daughter a year younger than me (going into 8th grade). They were very wealth, living in a gated community on a golf course. They could afford to take me for the summer and had a guest room. I wanted to live with them. There were less strict than my other Aunt and Uncle, and allowed things like watching TV. And besides, the other aunt and uncle were just now empty nesters with the younger twins starting college. It fit to send me to foster with my Aunt and Uncle who had kids around my age.

The plan was take me from my mom, tell her once I was out of state to ‘get off drugs’ if you want your kid back. They didn’t want to get CPS or the police involved. They didn’t want her arrested. They didn’t understand how drug addiction worked.

She didn’t get clean, and they were stuck with traumatized special needs 14 year from the ghetto. And it wasn’t like “Fresh Prince” because I’m more of a Carleton or like “The OC’. They didn’t want me, but they couldn’t send me back and didn’t want to turn me over to the state or tell other family to take me.

So until I turned 18, I could live there. After that I was one my own. No home. No family. And I really needed them to be my parents and love me like their daughter, but they couldn’t do that. And it’s a lot to expect. My mom had hurt her little sister, that Aunt, too. And when my mom had me, it was a month after that Aunt had lost a baby. My Aunt did everything right and did everything she could to save her pre-mature born daughter, but she didn’t make it. My mother did drugs the entire pregnancy and drank and induced labor with speed, and had a healthy baby girl. A bit special needs, but healthy and beautiful, and my mother should have given me up then because she couldn’t care for me and her sister, who’d just lost a daughter, she could have taken a baby then. But my mother refused, and instead dumped a 14 year on her door, a broken lost 14 year old wandering her house blank and staring like a wraith and unable to sleep because of the nightmares.

And because of my trauma, I still tried to eat as much as I could when there was food on the plate. I was chubby my freshmen year of High School from binging Coke’s over night so I wouldn’t have to sleep, and I my body didn’t know not to eat as much as possible. That had become survival.

My uncle made snide remarks about how much I was eating. They made a rule that I wasn’t allowed to have soda. They didn’t question why I was taking it. Sometimes, if I took food that someone else wanted I’d get yelled at. I learned not to eat unless everyone else was eating, and to mirror my portion sizes to their portion sizes.

I found as an adult, away at college/Uni which became my home once I was on my own, that I didn’t feel comfortable eating unless other people were eating or if it was given to me (bought and paid for portions at a restaurant). That wasn’t really a problem in the dorms. Most people got meal plans and ate at the student union or surrounding restaurants off campus. But by my Senior year, I could finally live off campus (it’s impossible to rent if you don’t have parents to sign for you, had to wait until I had a friend whose parents would act a surrity on the lease - and they were quite angry their daughter had befriended an orphan and thought she ought to have made better connections but they agreed to sign). That’s when the eating issues became apparent.

Because if we’re fending for ourselves and no one else was eating with me, I wouldn’t eat. I wouldn’t take food from the fridge. It felt like stealing, even though I’d helped pay for it. I needed someone to eat with me.

“Why do you need someone to eat with you?” My then boyfriend, now husband, would ask. He ate when he was hungry. He didn’t want to schedule eating around when I could eat with him.

And so it went, for years, and year, my issue with food, that I didn’t recognize as an eating disorder until recently.

I wasn’t trying to starve myself. I just wouldn’t eat.

And I’m trying to recover, but it’s hard. There are still days I skip. I still times I need for handed to me or to eat when everyone else does. Because there’s a block there around taking food for myself.

When I lived with Aunt and Uncle in High School, I felt like a burden. I wasn’t supposed to be there in that family. They asked me to step out of Christmas Photos and didn’t take me on vacations with them and instead sent me to other Aunt and Uncles over the summer (who did take me on vacations, so I didn’t miss out on much, and going to beach with all the twins was the best. If I got bowled over by a wave I had two boys who’d done swim team and trained as lifeguards on either side of me, instantly pulling my head above water). But, it did sort of make it clear I wasn’t like their daughter, not one of their kids. And when they went out for a Family Breakfast the first year I was with them and didn’t take me, I wished I didn’t exist. I wanted to pretend I didn’t because I felt like I wasn’t supposed to exist in the first place.

Eating. Taking food. That’s existing. That’s taking up space and resources. So I feel guilty. Because I’m nobody, not their daughter, not any parent’s daughter who loved me enough to keep me and take care of me. And I’m an adult now and I should be over this.

But recovery is a long road and it’s hard to undo psychological scars. And it’s so easy to fall back into skipping meals, because once you skip one, it’s easy to just keep skipping. To pretend you don’t have to deal with eating. Because it can be so hard to eat.

Just so hard. And my  husband doesn’t understand. How hard is it to feed yourself?

[rainxshinewriter-blog]

My Best Friend Sage

TW!

“Monday, December 1st, 2017 6:35 AM. My phone screen lights up giving me a reminder that I am alive, well and still in the same realm. As the pounding rain wakes me, my mother banging on my door, also aids in the awakening of my life. “Jaden, if you are going to school today then get up, you’re 18, I shouldn’t be doing this”. “WE ARE NOT GOING TO SCHOOL TODAY ”, Sage yells from the protective shelter of my bed. Sage is my best friend. We’ve been best friends since the 5th grade, the year she decided to enter my life. We do everything together, I don’t think I’ve ever relied on anyone more. The girl is attached to my hip. We have a special connection, we really do. My mother thinks it’s toxic, but what can I say, we’re a match made in heaven. “Alright, do what you want. Im working, but there’s left over meatloaf, if you plan on eating, i'll be home at 1:00 PM, if you need something please don’t bother me.” Ah, the sound of good parenting christens my ears. I think about getting up from my unwashed sheets to shower, but Sage quickly suggests staying back in bed, burning my eyes with Netflix films. She always does this but I understand. The thought of leaving my bed is exhausting, thinking is exhausting. Waking up was tiring enough, I’m comfortable here, I’m comfortable with Sage. Option one, leave bed to walk through piles of clothes and horrid garbage, or option two, lay in my own stench. When you compare the two, the second option sounds like laying on the beach under the sun, but I haven’t seen any sun in days. As the morning goes by, the suffocating feeling in me is the only air I can feel besides the slow breeze coming through my window. The movies end, I stare into the ceiling as I grasp back onto reality. It’s officially noon and a shower sounds ideal, but my bathroom, not only mimics my room, but my mothers too. I had to convince Sage for 5 minutes to let me leave, just to shower, it wasn’t easy let me tell you, but I managed. I dragged my self out of bed, only feeling Sage’s sad desperation pulling me back. The guilt starts to creep up on me. I walk towards my mirror, staring into my eyes only to see failure reflecting back. “You look like shit”, she comments, she can’t help but say anything negative, its all that escapes her mouth, she doesn’t have one kind vein in her body, but I understand, for example, her father committing suicide when she was 15, leaving her to find his body, or her mother coping by ignoring her and constantly giving her body out, or maybe, the best excuse of all, overwhelming guilt, blaming her self for her fathers death because she never gave him the time of day. She takes it out on me, but I feel a love between us that nothing could ever change. Stripping off my lived in clothes, finally getting in the shower. I managed standing for a minute, like a normal person, enjoying the water, carrying a warm feeling in my stomach, but immediately, that warmth turns to heat and that heat feels like fire. I sit down with my head in my knees, my brain beings to overflow with the questions that linger asking why I’m still breathing. You deserve this, you deserve these weights you’ll never be strong enough to lift, this fire you’ll never be able to put out. This state is something I’m used to, it felt like I was at the beach again, but instead of lying under the sun, I was in the water stuck under the current. Stuck. Stuck in the middle of the ocean alone, the sounds of waves crashing surrounding you only it’s not sounds it’s a feeling. Sitting in silence wondering if the storm will ever pass but it doesn’t. Feeling like everything is a chore you could never enjoy, basic things you should be doing becomes draining and you can’t help but feel sorry for your self, you ask yourself am I lazy or just sick. Every day becomes a bad one. It's the things you start to ask yourself that go through your head like a hamster on a wheel, making you feel more worthless then you already do. Will I ever see the light at the end of the tunnel or do I have to crawl in agony to get to it my self. Things you used to enjoy become limp, worn out, you disassociate into becoming numb and all you're left is dissatisfaction. I finally escape the shower, staring at my self dreading the thought of dressing my self. Wondering if this is all life has to offer, will there be paradise or peace if my chest stops moving up and down like it does? Sage can feel my discomfort and comes in to give me her idea of comfort. “It'll be alright, take a bath, shave your legs, pampering won’t hurt” she says with a smirk. The hot water runs, getting in, she hands me the razor. The hairs slice off as we talk about our ideal paradise, laughing and giggling as we do. 1:00 PM, my mother waltzes through the door, comes to the washroom. I start to graze the razor up my arm without making a scratch, but the grazing turns to pushing and the pushing turns to shoving. “OUT, NOW” my mother yells, “ignore her” Sage says, “just like she ignores you”, “I know”, I responded. The razor goes deeper as the blood pours out, my vision fades as my internal numbness becomes one with reality, covering every inch of my body. The water turns red and the tub over flows. “Finally”, sage says. “OUT NOW, AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING TOO”.”

[winchesters-love]

Get To Know Me!!! A Little Too Well

1. Name: Nicole 2. Nickname(s): Nik, Nikki 3. Birthday: June 21 4. That makes you: 18 5. Where were you born: Nebraska 6. Location right now: Same place 7. Shoe size: 7 8. How many piercings?: None 9. Tattoos?: None, but I'd love a few <3 10. When you wake up you're: Confused and even more tired 11. When your about to sleep you're: Wide awake 12. Zodiac sign: Cancerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr/Gemini 13. Chinese sign: Rabbit 14. Righty or Lefty: Righty 15. Innie or Outie: Innie 16. School: Out of school :P Section Two: Looks 17. Nationality: White 20. Weight: 110 lbs 21. Height: 5'6 22. Braces? No 23. Glasses? Yes Section Three: Private Life 24. Do you have a boy/girlfriend? I do! 25. If so, who? The love of my life, Nate 26. If not, do you have a crush on someone? My boyfriend 27. Who has a crush on you? No one haha 28. Ever cheated on your bf/gf? Nope 29. Who was your first kiss: Nate, he kisses pretty good 30. Who was your last kiss: Nate <3 31. Are you a virgin? Yes 32. Ever had a threesome before? No 33. NQ- Ever been swarmed by ladybugs?: Nope 34. Have you ever been in love? Yes 35. Broken any hearts? Not that I know of 36. Got your heart broken? Quite a few times 37. Ever liked a friend? Yea 38. What happened? We started dating

Section Four: Past Relationships 39. How many relationships have you been in? 1 40. How many were serious enough to count: I'm in it 41. Who were those serious ones: I've only been in 1 42. NQ- Who USED to be your best friend: Well, he's still my best friend so 43. What made them different: Nothing 44. What happened: We started dating 45. Best boy/girlfriend: The one I'm dating 46. Worst boy/girlfriend: N/A 47. Ever been kissed: Yes 48. Who do you want back: No one 49. What do you regret: Focusing too much on guys 50. Why? Because I would've done so much better in school Section Five: Favourites 51. Song: Sound of Silence 52. Movie: Zootopia 53. Food: Anything really 54. Drink: Apple Juice 55. Store: Gamestop and Hot Topic 56. Television show: Stranger Things and Mom 57. Holiday: Christmas 58. Book: Grace Lost Series 59. Ice cream: Mint Chip 60. Sweets: Chocolate 61. Crisps: Doritos Jacked 62. Type of music: Pretty much every genre 63. Artist: Singer is Luke Bryan, Painter is Bob Ross 64. Word: Loquacious, vernacular 65. Time of day: Evening/night 66. Dressing: Ranch 67. Alcoholic drink: Don't drink 68. Colour(s): Blue, Red, Black, and White 69. Piece of clothing: Beanie 70. Character: My fursona 71. Smell: Fresh rainfall 72. Shampoo: Fructis 73. Soap: Fructis 74. Smiley: >3 75. Board game: Too many tbh 76. Sport: Soccer 77. Number: 5 78. Quote: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Franklin D. Roosvelt 79. Animal: Wolf 80. Actor: Ryan Reynolds/Chris Pratt 82. Vegetable: Sugar snap peas 83. Fruit: Grapes 84. Place to be: In my room 85. Thing in your room: Pictures 86. Gum: 5-gum 87. Shape: Circle 88. Country: Europe 89. Mall: Any mall 90. Car: 67 Chevy Impala 91. Boy's name: Christopher 92. Girl's name: Chrissy 93. Family member: My brothers and my dad 94. Restaurant: Johnny Carinos 95. Movie place: The theater 96. Person to go to the movies with: Myself 97. Noise: Falling rain 98. Brand of Shoe: Airwalks 99. Brand of clothing: Aeropostle 100. Body part of a chicken: Thigh 101. Swear word: Asshat 102. Month: December 103. Possession: My ring 104. Team: Don't have a favorite 105. Season: Winter 106. Radio station: Pop station 107. Magazine: Don't read them 108. Favourite grade: Senior year 109. Least favourite grade: 5th grade 110. Teacher: Kindergarten 111. Least favourite teacher: Math teacher in 5th grade, he was a douche 112. Subject: Art/Choir 113. Subject to talk about: Anything and everything Section Six: Family 114. Who's your mum?: Not here 115. Who's your dad?: My role model 116. Any step-parents?: Yea, had a few 117. Any brothers?: 2 118. Any Sisters?: Nope 120. Coolest: Older brother 121. Loudest: Me 122. Best relative: My cousin 123. Worse relative: No one 124. Do you get along with your parents? My dad, yea 125. With your siblings? Mostly, we game with each other 126. Does anyone understand you? Yea 127. Do you have any pets? Nah 128. If so, what kind and name? 129. If not, what do you want as a pet? I want another dog, we had to get rid of ours Section Seven: School 131. Are you still in school? Nope 132. Did you drop out?: 2.75, I didn't pay attention freshman and sophomore year 133. Your current GPA: No thanks 134. Do you buy or bring lunch?: School bill paid for it 135. ABC's?: Know them 136. Favorite class: Choir and art 137. Play any sports at school?: Played soccer 138. Are you popular? With the outcasts 139. Favourite memory: Being the only girl good at soccer 140. Most humiliating moment: Falling in front of my close guy friends 141. Most funniest moment: Hitting someone in the face with a soccer ball 142. Most scared moment: Graduating Section Eight: What do you think of when you hear 145. Chicken: Bawk bawk 146. Dog: Soft puppy 147. Christina Aguilera: Music 148. Ricky Martin: Who? 149. 50 cent: Rapper 150. Poop: Emoji 151. Beach: Sand 152. Dessert: Cactus 153. Water: Blue 154. Osama: Bin Laden 155. Love: Life 156. Your little brother: Xbox One 157. Butt: Nice 158. Clowns: Pennywise 159. Wonder: Over Yander 16o. Brown: Pants 161. Banana: Yum 162. Sex: Rope 163. Parents: One 164. Homosexuals: Jensen and Jared 165. God: Father Section Nine: Do you believe in 166. God: Yes 167. Heaven: Yes 168. Devil: Yes 169. Hell: In a sense 170: Boogey man: No 171. Closet Monsters: Nah 172. Fortune telling: Nope 173. Magic: Nuh uh 174. Love at first sight: Depends 175. Ghosts: Nope 176. Voo-doo dolls: Nah 177. Reincarnation: Nope 178. Yourself: Ehh, not really Section Ten: Do you 179. Smoke: And kill my lungs? No thanks 180. Do drugs: Pfft, why would I? 181. Drink alcohol: Again, I'm not trying to die at a young age 182. Cuss: Yea 183. Sing in the shower: Sometimes... 184. Like school: Yea, it was the best place to be! 185. Want to get married: Mhmm, and I'm glad I found someone 186. Type with all of your fingers: Not really 187. Think you're attractive: Most days 188. Drink and drive: Fuck this 189. Snore: Sometimes 190. Sleep walk: Nope 191. Like watching sunrises and sunsets: Best place to be honestly Section Eleven: Have you ever 192. Flashed someone: On accident 193. Gotten so drunk til you threw up everywhere: I don't drink 194. Told that person how you felt: Yep 195. Been arrested: Nope 196. Gone to jail or juve: No 197. Skateboarded: Yes 198. Skinny dipped: In a bath 199. Rock climbed: Do it every summer 200. Killed someone: Nope 201. Watched porn: Nah 202. Gone on a road trip: Kinda 203. Went out of the country: Nah 204. Talked back to an adult: Yes 205. Broken a law: Nope 206. Got pulled over: Don't drive 208: Cried to get out of trouble: I don't usually do anything bad 209. Let a friend cry on your shoulder: I'm supposed to, I'm there to listen 210. Kissed a brother's or sister's friend: No 211. Kissed a friend's brother or sister: No 212. Dropped something on the floor and let someone eat it anyways: Nah, I usually eat it 213. Mooned someone: Yes, once 214. Shop-lifted: No 215. Worked at McDonald's: No thank you 216. Eaten a dog: A hot dog! 217. Give money to a homeless person: Yea, I've fed them too 218. Glued your hand to yourself: Yes 219. Kissed someone of the same sex: Playing Pocky 220. Had a one night stand: I have two right beside my bed 221. Smoked: Nope 222. Done drugs: No 223. Lose a friend because of your ex: I don't have any exes 224. Slap someone for being stupid: Yes 225. Had cyber sex: Sexted?? Kinda 226. Wish you were the opposite sex: A lot more often than I should sometimes. But for completely different reasons 227. Caught someone doing something: Yea 228. Played a game that removes clothing: Strip truth or dare ;) 229. Cried during a movie: All the damn time 230. Cried over someone: It's hard not to when you can't have an actor love you 231. Wanted to hook up with a friend: Yea, and I did 232. Hooked up with someone you barely met: Nah 233. Ran away from home: Nope 234. Cheated on a test: Once Section Twelve: Would you 235. Bungee jump: Nope 236. Sky dive: Hate heights 237. Swim with dolphins: Yes 238. Steal a friend's bf or gf: That goes against girl code 239. Try to be the opposite sex: No 240. Lie to the police: Hi officer my real name is Nicholas... Cage 241. Run from the police: No 242. Lie to your parents: Done it before 243. Backstab a friend for your own well being: That's just plain rude 244. Be an exotic dancer: Only for my boyfriend <3 245. NQ- Kill the president: Nah Section Thirteen: Are you 246. Shy: Yes, especially around new people 247. Loud: Extremely 248. Nice: I try to be 249: Outgoing: I fake being outgoing haha 250: Quiet: Yea 251. Mean: Depends, I'm mean to those I like 252. Emotional: Sad to say, but yea 253. Sensitive: Mhmm 254. Gay: I'm very happy 255. Strong: I wish, need to start working out 256. Weak: Yea 257. Caring: Yes, especially towards animals 258. Dangerous: Well, does this include caving? 259. Crazy: Uh huh 260. Spontaneous: I am the most random and spontaneous thing out there 261. Funny: I try to be, I fail at it 262. Sweet: To eat ;) 263. Sharing: With most things, but not my food 264. Responsible: Most of the time 265. Trustworthy: Definitely, if you want a secret kept come talk to me 266. Open-minded: Depends on what you mean 267. Creative: For the most part 268. Cute: Um, not even close, no matter how many of y'all say I am 269. Slick: They don't call me Nik the Slick for nothing 270. Smart: Yea 271. Dumb: I act like it 272. Evil: No 273. Ghetto: If only 274. Classy: As in sassy 275. Photogenic: Nope 276. Dependable: Only on a few select things 277. Greedy: Only with food 278. Ugly: Yes, 100 times over 279. Messy: With my life 280. Neat: With everything else 281. Perverted: You can say cookie and it'll go bad 282. Silly: Yea 283. A B****: I can be if you want me to be 284. A Good Listener: Mhmm 285. A Fighter: If you make me mad enough 286. A Party Animal: I'd rather read, thanks 287. A Game Freak: YES 288. A Computer Freak: I literally want to work on computers Section Fourteen: Future 289. Dream job: Animation 290. Dream house: Somewhere out in the country 291. Husband/Wife: My sweet redheaded boyfriend 292. Kids: 2 293. Names: Something with Ns 294. Pets: Literally so many 295. Car: Anything that gets me places 296. Age you would want to get married: I wouldn't mind getting married in the next few years 297. Best Man/Bride's Maid: My best friend Elena 298. Honeymoon: Anyplace that has a bedroom Section Fifteen: Your friends 299. Best friend: Elena, Nate, Jasmine, Kelsey 300. Known the longest: Nate 301. Craziest: Elena 302. Loudest: Elena and I 303. Shyest: Jasmine and Kelsey 304. Best hair: Kelsey 305. Best eyes: Kelsey 306. Best body: Nate 307. Most Athletic: Me 308. Hot-Tempered: Elena 309. Most impatient: Me 310. Shortest: Nate 311. Tallest: Kelsey 312. Skinniest: Me 313. Best singer: Me 314. Funniest: Literally all of us 315. Can always make you laugh: All of them 316. Wish you talked to more: Elena 317. Wish you saw more: All of them 318. Who drives you insane after a while: Elena, but in a good way 319. Who you can stay around forever and never get sick of: All of them 320. Ever lose a friend because you took it to the 'next level': Nah, I'm dating Nate 321. Whose always been there when you need them: All of them 322. Who is like your family: All of them 323. How many friends do you have?: Quite a few, and I love each and every one of them 324. How many are really close? About 10? Section Sixteen: The last 325. Thing you ate: Poptarts 326. Thing you drank: Apple juice 327. Thing you wore: My hoodie 328. Thing you did: This meme 329. Place you went: The store 330. Thing you got pierced or tattooed: Nothing 331. Person you saw: My dad 332. Person you hugged: My dad 333. Person you kissed: Nate 334. NQ- Person you beat to a juicy pulp: I wish I had done that to a couple jerks 335. Person you talked to online: Nate 336. Person you talked to on the phone: Nate 337. Song you heard: Vulnerable by Secondhand Serenade 338. Show you saw: Mom 339. Time you fought with your parents: Um... about a month or two? 340. Time you fought with a friend: Haven't for a while 341. Words you said: Fuck you is what I said Section Seventeen: Now 343. What are you eating: Poptart 344. What are you drinking: Apple juice 345. What are you thinking: About my boyfriend 346. What are you wearing: My hoodie 347. What are you doing: Writing this up 349. Hair: Down 350. Mood: Tired 351. Listening to: Spotify 352. Talking to anyone: Yea 353. Watching anything: Nah Section Eighteen: Yes or No 354. Are you a vegetarian: Mostly 355. Are you a carnivore: Nah 356. Are you heterosexual: Yes 357. Do you like penguins: Yes 358. Do you write poetry: Yes 359. Do you see stupid people: Yes 360. You + Me: No 361. Do you like the Osbournes: Yes 362. Can you see flying pigs: No 363. Do you sleep with stuffed animals on your bed: Yes 364. Are you from Afghanistan: No 365. Is Christina Aguilera ugly: No 366. Are you a zombie: No 367. Am i annoying you: Yes 368. Do you bite your nails: Yes 369. Can you cross your eyes: Yes 370. Do you make your bed in the morning: No 371. Have you touched someone's private part: Yes Section Nineteen: This or That 372. Winter or Summer: Winte 373. Spring or Autumn: Autumn 374. Shakira or Britney: Britney 375. MTV or VH1: MTV 376. Black or White: White 377. Yellow or Pink: Pink 378. Football or Basketball: Football 379. Mobile Phone or Pager: Mobile 380. Pen or Pencil: Pencil 381. Cold or Hot: Hot 382. Tattoos or Piercings: Tattoos 383. Inside or Outside: Inside 384. Weed or Alcohol: No 385. Coke or Pepsi: Pepsi 386. Tape or Glue: Tape 387. McDonald's or In-n-Out: In-Out Section Twenty: Opinions 388. What do you think about classical music: I like it 389. About boy bands: Nah 390: About suicide: Talk to someone if you're thinking about suicide. It is a very real thing and should not be joked about. I don't want to find out that any of you are no longer here because of suicide. I've lost 2 very close friends that way. 391. About people who try to force their opinions on you: They can kindly fuck off 392. About teen pregnancy: Only if they know they'll be able to take care of the baby 393. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years: With my husband in some country town 394. Who do you think you'll still be friends with in 5 years: Nate, Elena, Kelsey, Jasmine, hopefully all my friends 395. About gay men: They're human too Section Twenty-One: 396. Do you have a website: I'm working on building one 397. Current weather right now: Cold as balls 398. Current time: 7:00 399. Last thoughts: Byyyye

[wulfies-corner]

Black Eyes (Demon!V/Kim Taehyung x Reader) AU 1

A hunter family, plus a demonic curse, plus two lovesick teenagers on opposite sides of a secret war. One maths equation one might not want to answer.

It wasn’t long after that when you finally realised you had clumsily stumbled into the lives of an entire nest of demons.

[One] [Two] [Three] [Four] [Five] [Six] [Seven] [Eight] [Nine] [Ten]

~

There are moments in life where you wished you would never have to talk to anyone in order to get by. While those moments of thought are completely irrational and impossible, wishing and imagining that they were real often got you through the day. You were barely surviving as it is, stunned and a little lost that your father actually allowed you to stay enrolled at this school when you asked if you could finish the 12th grade. A part of you didn’t really want to, but it was better than living a life on the road and doing things that only worsened your mental state. Those completely irrational thoughts kept you grounded for the most part, but as of right now, you weren’t exactly sure it was working at all.

4th-period biology was a class you were interested in taking at first, considering the background you had with bodies and other things to do with human nature (among other things). The only problem was that you were beyond squeamish and didn’t take into account the fact that you had to combine experiments on dead things with communicating with other human beings when you signed up. So here you are, wishing that you had dropped this class while you still could, walking up to the crowd of seven of your classmates standing around a black lab table at the right side of your biology classroom.

“Hey, um… I know you guys already have seven members, but is it okay if I join your group?” You poked your fingers together nervously as you observed the boys. Along with your constant wish of never having to communicate with anyone at all, your social skills were lacking. Especially around people you found attractive.

Boy, were all seven of them attractive. All of them were smooth skinned, sun-kissed, god-given marvels that you could barely approach without feeling faint. They were tall, slenderly muscular and relatively kind people, from what you’ve seen of them. One stood out from the rest, medium-sized and slightly younger than some of the others. He donned a boxy smile and thin-rimmed, round glasses. You looked away when he caught your eye. You barely caught sight of a gleam of black as his eyes met yours. You ignored it and blamed your seeing things on an anxious mind.

“Sure, why not?” The tallest boy waved you over to him, urging you to put on your safety goggles. “It’s easy, anyway.” You moved in between the tallest boy, who you knew vaguely as Namjoon - the biology class’s resident genius - and Taehyung. While you were awkward around him and could never make full eye contact with him, he was kind and quite friendly toward you. He had a 4-D personality and his unique smile never failed to make you feel at ease. You were lucky that he was at least here, along with your cooking class in 5th period.

You knew vaguely who all the boys were, as they were popular among your year of students. They were prodigies, extremely talented and undeniably attractive. You obviously weren’t the first girl to notice it, but none of them ever seemed to have a girlfriend.

“This is the… enzyme lab, right?” You ask, taking up your notebook and flipping to the right table, trying not to make eye contact with any of the other boys that were currently eyeing you up and down. They all seemed fixated on you, which made you even more nervous than you felt before you approached them.

“Yeah. Come on, we’re about to soak the first paper disc,” Namjoon says, picking up a pair of elongated tweezers.

It took nearly all of your willpower to not puke where you stood. This whole lab was completely and utterly disgusting. In order to observe how enzymes separate Hydrogen Peroxide into Oxygen and Carbon Dioxide, the class had to separate phials of crushed, raw beef liver into three different water baths; one in ice water, another in room temperature water, and finally one in hot water. Then, soak a small paper disc in the liver, put the disc into a phial of Hydrogen Peroxide, and see how long it took for Oxygen bubbles to form and cause the disc to float to the top of the phial.

The lab was rather easy to perform, especially with so many people in one group, but the smell of raw liver didn’t exactly help your case. You flinched at contact on your back, looking up from your notebook to see Taehyung smiling down at you sympathetically.

“Are you okay?” He asked. It took you longer than you had hoped to think of a response that registered as more than a pained whine.

“Kind of. I mean… this isn’t exactly my strong suit,” you try to smile back until you see Namjoon lifting up the paper disc, unfortunately taking a rather large, bloody vein up with it. You gag. The two shortest boys, Jimin and Yoongi, who were standing across from you, looked you over with sympathy.

“Come on, you can move away from it. Here, I’ll take your spot.” Taehyung took a gentle hold of your shoulders and switched spots with you. Now you were in between him and Hoseok, the one that always had a cheerful, sunshine-and-rainbows type attitude toward literally everything, even a disgusting enzyme lab such as this. He had a timer loaded up onto his phone, and you assumed he was the one doing the timing. You only stood there, stiff as a board, trying to keep yourself composed. You recorded the times for the group but hardly did much else. At the end of class, everyone turned to clean up except for you and Taehyung.

“Are you still feeling sick?” Taehyung asked, patting your shoulder gently. “I should remind you that we cook next period.”

You looked up at him. “I can hardly move right now, let alone cook.”

“Come on, then… I’ll sit with you and walk you to next class when the bell rings. I’ll tell Ms C that you’re too woozy to cook today.”

“I really wished that I didn’t exist right now,” you whine. Taehyung only chuckled at you.

“It’s about to get worse… we still have to do the lab work.”

You groan in response. “Do we have a work period on Monday?”

“Nope,” Hoseok chimed in, moving past you with one of the liver phials, the smell causing you to gag again.

“I didn’t know you were this squeamish,” Taehyung commented as he rubbed at the small of your back. It soothed you, but you didn’t feel any less nauseous.

“Why do you think I always make you handle the meat during cooking days?” You ask, looking up at him and projecting the most sarcastic expression you could conjure. You walked back to your desk, pressing your palms against the wood and leaning down to close your eyes and think of something else.

“Touche,” Taehyung complied. He returned to his desk, packing up his backpack before moving back toward you, stuffing your binder inside your own backpack and helping you put it on. “So… you’re telling me that you’re a vegetarian? I’ve seen you stuff your face with those ham sandwiches we made a couple weeks back.”

“Of course I’m not a vegetarian, dumbo! I just don’t like seeing raw meats. Or touching them. Or cutting them. Or seeing blood.” You groan at the thought of that bloody vein as the bell rang, you and Taehyung separating from the 6-man horde of his friends with a small wave.

“Interesting. And you said you wanted to be… what now? A doctor, right?” Taehyung asked. You weren’t looking at him, but you could still see the smirk gracing his lips. You pout.

“Oh.. shut up!”

That moment was when you realised you had never been so comfortable socialising with another person. To tell the truth, this was the first school you had stayed at for longer than a few weeks or a month. Your father was a hunter. A… special type of hunter. The job required constant moves around the country, and you had spent most of your life in the backseat of a car and in the beds of cheap motels. You never had enough time to truly make friends, no matter how much you wanted to at the start.

Instead of spending your time at the park, you grew up learning to line the windows and doors of any place with salt before going to bed, drawing devil’s traps under the doormat and on the ceiling over your bed, and arming yourself with a silver dagger. At age 5, instead of playing with toy dolls and hot wheel cars, you learned how to shoot a small pistol. At age 10, instead of wobbling around in high heels too big for your feet, you could shoot someone right between the eyes 5 buildings away with a sniper rifle. At age 13, instead of confessing to your first crush, you had mercilessly killed a demon, along with the person they were possessing.

Ever since that day, you were a recluse. You were constantly having nightmares,  episodes of PTSD and sometimes even hallucinations. You had no friends and refused to make one, even if you could laugh along with the people in your 5th-period cooking group. That was the only time of day when you actually opened your mouth to speak, fearing that if you let yourself go too far, everything would spill out like opening floodgates. You being able to talk at all was a miracle, and the fact that you could openly talk to Taehyung outside of class just now was on a completely different level of impossible. Yet, here you were, talking and laughing with him as if you were letting yourself be a normal teenager. It felt wrong.

~

“Do you want me to walk you home? You’re looking paler by the minute and I won’t be able to stand by and be guilt free if you pass out and die walking by yourself,” Taehyung added as the two of you stayed after the bell to wash dishes, as usual. “We also still have to do the lab write-up.”

You looked over at him, hesitant. You would have to work with him in the lab either way. “Thank you, um… that would be nice if it isn't too much trouble.” You looked back at the dish you were washing for a minute. “On second thought…”

“What is it?” He asked, moving to put a bowl away. You remembered how decked out your house was with devil’s traps, newspapers of hunt leads, historical textbooks, loose research papers, salt and other hunter-esque things, including your basement, which was probably more well-equipped than a military base. It would be incredibly off-putting to anyone that didn’t even know that your type of hunter existed. Your home was definitely not designed with house guests in mind. It wasn’t even designed to be a home when it was built.

“Would it be okay with your parents if I went to your house instead? My place looks like a tornado ripped it a new one,” you mumble. Taehyung chuckled at your response.

“I’m somewhat of a troubled kid, so I just live with the guys. They won’t care if you come over. They’ll probably mooch the answers for the lab off of us, though.” Taehyung grinned at you.

“That’s fine with me. You guys let me join your group in the first place.”

The walk to Taehyung’s place was nice. The two of you joked around, talked about his interests, and even stopped to pet a cat that was walking on the grass of a lawn by the house you two passed at the end of one of the streets. This… strange feeling in your chest was prominent every time the two of you looked at each other, smiled in the other’s direction, or laughed at a joke. As soon as you saw yourself giving in, you had to back away from it. Creating awkward silences, refusing to answer a question or something along those lines in order to push him away. No matter how drawn you were to Taehyung, and how comfortable you felt yourself getting, you couldn’t let him be your friend. You couldn’t get close to him. Not after what you’ve done. Not after what you’ve seen.

“Here we are,” Taehyung chimed as the two of you approached a complex of townhouses. Each house looked thin and relatively small, but they were well decorated with burgundy bricks and white window frames, most likely offsetting the size with attractive architecture.

Taehyung led you inside the complex and you walked down the small lane toward the back. The furthest house at the end of the complex was where you figured you were heading, despite the lawn of the house looking much better-taken care of than you would have expected for a house lived in by seven teenage boys.

“Home sweet home!” Taehyung smiled at you as he pulled his key chain from his backpack, promptly unlocking the door. You smile faintly back at him but look away when the pinch in your chest returned. You stayed silent as the two of you stepped inside and shrugged off your backpacks.

“I'm back!” Taehyung called into the empty front hall. You looked around at the spotless house. The walls were painted white and red, creating a mostly modern feel. The hallway leads into the living room, containing a cream L-shaped couch accompanied by a small side table with a circular lamp, a glass coffee table and a small flat screen television pinned up on the wall created by the staircase to your left. The kitchen, you assumed, was to your right, but it was blocked off by a wall and a sliding white door. The room itself was illuminated brightly by the sliding patio doors across from you and Taehyung, the white curtains pulled back to let the sun shine through.

The kitchen door slid open and Jin stepped through. He was wearing a white apron over top his clothes, and dark blue oven mitts over his hands. A smile spread across his face as he saw you, walking toward you and Taehyung, slipping off the oven mitts. You waved faintly at him, taking in the smell of food that followed him out from the kitchen.

“Hello, (Y/N),” Jin greeted. “It's nice to see you again,” he commented cheerfully.

“Uh, yeah. It's nice to see you too, Jin.” You smile back, narrowly avoiding eye contact with him. In your head, another flick of black appeared over Jin's eyes. You dug your index nail into the palm of your hand to snap out of any illusions you were beginning to see again.

Jin’s warm expression toward you left you at ease, even if it was just a little bit, masking the tense anxiousness that had been building since your head is making you see demon eyes again. You sigh inwardly, disappointed that your pills seemed to no longer work. “Everyone’s upstairs working on the lab write-up. You're welcome to stay for dinner if you’d like.”

You don an expression of surprise. You hadn't expected him to invite you to stay for dinner. You wanted to tell him 'no', to say that you had to go home after you finished the lab, but there would be absolutely no benefit to your denying him. You would go home to a crappy, junk-food-filled dinner if you even ate at all. You would be in your barren house by yourself, go to bed unfulfilled and probably hungry. Besides, it wasn’t in you to be rude, especially if people had been nothing but kind to you.

“Sure, I’d like that.” You pulled off your shoes, watching as Jin's expression lit up even more in excitement. He bounded back into the kitchen through the sliding door with seemingly renewed fervour.

“You’re going to love Jin’s cooking,” Taehyung praised, taking off his own sneakers. You could only nod in response, replying with a meek 'hm'. Taehyung grabbed his notebook from his backpack, leading you upstairs when you promptly grabbed yours. The hallway on the second floor was extremely thin, and lead off into two different bedrooms and what looked to be a bathroom at the end of the hall. It was equally as spotless as the first floor, coloured fully in deep red. The cleanliness of this house was impeccable, if not a little bit suspicious.

“Your house is so much nicer than mine,” you comment absentmindedly as you looked over your surroundings. “Aw, I doubt that,” Taehyung replies. “Jin is just over-obsessive. Cleanliness doesn’t make a house a home.”

“I guess not. Still, your house wins over mine.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.” Taehyung’s boxy smile reappeared. You had no idea how to respond to that. There would be no way that he could see the inside of your house, and the thought of his repulsion somehow made you nervous. While you spent all of this time trying to reject Taehyung, you were afraid of being rejected by him. You could only look away from him, waiting to take the lead into the right bedroom.

Taehyung led you into the room closest to the staircase. Namjoon, Hoseok, Jimin, Yoongi and Jungkook were spread out on the floor with their notes, looking up and waving at you once you entered the room behind Taehyung.

“Hey, (Y/N)!” Jungkook greeted with a smile. You sat down between him and Taehyung, smiling back at Jungkook and mumbling a small ‘hi’ in return.

“We’ve already filled out the chart. You can copy us, if you’d like,” Namjoon passed you his table, already neatly filled out with the times you recorded and the differences between each water bath temperature.

“Um, thanks.”

The night progressed similarly to the first interaction you had. You were awkward, often unsure of what to say and honestly uncomfortable with how many people you were surrounded by at one time. The tight feeling of nervousness pulsed through your chest non-stop, and sitting down with them for dinner (which you had to admit was the most delicious and nourishing meal you’ve had since before your mother died) was equally as nerve wracking.

“Hey, are you alright?” Taehyung asked as you wolfed down your food. It had been so long since you had eaten something other than take-out Chinese food and hungry man TV dinners. Your father was almost never home and you never really learned to cook for yourself, so you had to rely on other things to eat if you ate at all. “You’re eating as if you hadn’t seen a scrap in weeks.” You look up from your plate, chewing and swallowing hastily as you noticed seven pairs of eyes locked on you. Your eyes went wide and you instinctively curled up in your chair. “Hey, hey! It’s alright,” Jin reassured, holding up a hand to try and calm you down. “We’re not making fun of you. We just care.”

‘Why?’ The thought ran through your head. Why should they care?

“Um…” Your eyes pass over each of the boys. All of them still looked surprised at how fast you were eating, but all of them had a reassuring smile painted on their faces, especially Taehyung, who even moved to pass you the bowl of steaming vegetables so you could pile more onto your plate.

“You don’t have to explain it. Just enjoy it. You can ask for seconds anytime you’d like,” Jin states, and everyone nods in agreement in the seconds following.

You had never felt so accepted, nor welcomed. You could no longer tell if it was a feeling you wanted or not. The guilt that still had its grip on your heart kept you in the mindset that you didn’t deserve it. Would they still care about you if they found out the truth about you? Would they pat you on the back and help you through things that made you squeamish if they knew? Would they welcome you into their home? Would they be disgusted by you?

Those thoughts haunted you as Taehyung walked you home that night. When you and Taehyung reached the gravel pathway to the farmhouse you called home, it felt a little hard to believe that you were actually going to bed with a full stomach.

"Thanks for working on the lab with me," you say once you reached the front door to your house. "It's no problem," Taehyung replied with a smile. "It's getting late, though. I should be going home."

"Okay," you say. You reach into your backpack for your house key, watching Taehyung turn around and start walking back down the path. "Wait!" A thought pops into your head and you shout after him without thinking.

"What is it?" He asks.

"Um, can I have your number? I want you to text me when you get home so I know you're safe," you mumble, barely able to form a proper sentence.

"Of course. Only if I can have yours too. I'm glad you care."

You're lucky that it was dark outside as you and Taehyung exchanged phone numbers, as the dusk hid your heated cheeks. You dig your nails into your palms again as you step inside your house a few minutes later. You shouldn't be feeling this way.

Next: Part Two

[fueltheroots]

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

A butthead. Muah.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Depends on the situation. I enjoy going out and doing things, but I also have social anxiety. Basically any time I have plans I have to give myself a mental pep talk and spend the next few days recovering.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

A butthead.

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I think so. If you’re good at handling sarcasm and dry humor.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Yes. They already have.

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Those who try and find the good in others.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Not outwardly.

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

I have a feeling “butthead” is going to mentioned a lot in these questions.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Not really. I may be awkward about it sometimes, but I don’t feel uncomfortable.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Yep. Butthead is definitely going to be mentioned a lot in these.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

Shushkiss*

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

This changes constantly. I’ll just list the ones I’ve listened to more than once the past couple of days.

Time In A Bottle. Sympathy For The Devil. Big Rocky Candy Mountain. All My Tears. I Fought The Law.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

God, yes.

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

I believe everything happens for a reason. Even if we don’t quite understand what that reason is.

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I adopted a cat who is as weird as I am?

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Every morning. Every afternoon. Every evening. Every night. Forever.

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

I think it’s naive to think we’re the only life out there.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

No.

19. Do you like bubble baths?

A bit too much.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

They’re alright ;)

21. What are you bad habits?

I can be oblivious about important matters. I procrastinate. Opening texts, getting busy, and never responding. Overplaying songs I discover until I can’t stand them. Not having a normal eating schedule.

22. Where would you like to travel?

Anywhere and everywhere I can. Want to see the great parks of the U.S. Then travel to countries of my heritage.

23. Do you have trust issues?

I think most people do. It’s something I’m consistently working on. Trying to give people the benefit of the doubt, until they give me reason not to.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Mornoons.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

I try not to focus on judging my body too much. It’ll age and looks will fade with time for everyone. Guess if I had to say I’d say fingers. Short and stubby.

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Stare at my ceiling trying to motivate myself to get up.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

It’s skin. It’s doing its job. I do not care about what color it is.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

Butthead. And my furbabies. Both have seen and know too much.

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Pretty much all of them have tried to get me back with me at some point. Always makes me feel guilty. You can’t force yourself to love someone though.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

I use to want that. Complicated now.

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Nope. I can’t pull off a ponytail even when it is long enough for one anyway.

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Ew. No.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

Gabbav

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Use to. Softball, soccer, flag football, etc. Now I enjoy longboarding and occasional volleyball.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV. Music saves me.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Who hasn’t?

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Something to make it more awkward.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Butthead. Thankful to say they’re not a dream.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

2nd & Charles, Mr. K’s used bookstore, any antique shop I can find.

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Bahahaha. Clearly I am too old for this website. You youngins.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

I think you can forgive someone, but I also think its perfectly fine to remove that person from your life if they’re toxic for you.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Usually overthinking or daydreaming.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Probably a creepily amount.

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

I’ve seen pictures of what can lurk at the bottom of some oceans.. I’ll take space.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Needing a paycheck, usually. Or letting my dogs out.

46. What are you paranoid about?

I don’t want to think about it.

47. Have you ever been high?

Yes.

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Yes.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

I don’t think so?

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Green.

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

When I was younger. I’ve grown comfortable with who I am.

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My tendency to overthink.

53. Favourite makeup brand?

I’m not big in makeup. I only wear it when I want to prevent looking like death itself.

54. Favourite store?

2nd & Charles. All the blu-rays!

55. Favourite blog?

Don’t have one.

56. Favourite colour?

Green.

57. Favourite food?

Hibachi, probably. Pizza is a close second.

58. Last thing you ate?

Chicken biscuit from chick fil a.

59. First thing you ate this morning?

I didn’t.

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

4th grade Orange County Schools essay. 5th grade county choir show. Honestly I couldn’t tell you the official names of these. I forget they happened.

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nope. Goody two shoes.

62. Been arrested? For what?

Nope. Been driven in the back of a cop car across state lines, though.

63. Ever been in love?

Still am. First.

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Was a boy who lived in the neighborhood across from mine. We were always good friends. We were under a light post in my neighborhood at night. We were talking about first kisses. I said I hadn’t had mine. Few minutes later I looked away at something, he said my name, I turned to look at him and he landed one on me. Then the lightpost turned on and he said “Well it’s not fireworks, but..” I think I was 13 at the time. 9th grade. I wasn’t too happy about it at first, because I liked someone else, but in the end I was happy it was with him because we remained friends for years and the other guy ended up being a lot of drama.

65. Are you hungry right now?

No. I should be.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

I don’t really have any. I rarely talk to people on here. I’m bad at responding to messages. Any friends I have in real life are coworkers really.

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Facebook.

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr.

69. Are you watching tv right now?

No.

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Eh. I’d really only consider one person to be my best friend. Who’d I want to share everything with and talk to constantly. lwwnm

71. Craving something? What?

Time with butthead. Always.

72. What colour are your towels?

Blue.

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Four. I usually sleep on one, hold the other or lay my arm under it, and the other two are just to separate my head from my wall. Decorative.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

No. I sleep with real animals. And a hat.

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Maybe two? One I just got this past Wednesday from a claw machine when I went to Sparetime. The other is Yoshi from Nintendo that my brother gave me years ago. They’re both in my closet.

75. Favourite animal?

My favorite animal is a Moxie. You’d understand if you met her. Honestly though, I couldn’t choose between cats and dogs. It’s a different kind of love.

76. What colour is your underwear?

I’m in the tub currently. It’d be pretty odd to be wearing underwear now.

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Vanilla.

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

I use to love Strawberry Cheesecake from Ben & Jerry’s. I rarely eat ice cream nowadays.

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Again. In the tub.

80. What colour pants?

Okay well BEFORE THE TUB— wait no I wasn’t wearing any pants then either.

81. Favourite tv show?

Either Frasier or The Nanny. I can binge watch the heck out of those.

82. Favourite movie?

Can’t decide.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

There was a Mean Girls 2?

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Didn’t see 21 Jump Street. Show or movie.

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

I don’t know? I really don’t put this much thought into that movie.

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Probably Peach. Sassy little starfish. “That was the shortest red light I’ve ever seen!”

87. First person you talked to today?

Butthead.

88. Last person you talked to today?

Hopefully butthead. I like to start my days with him and end them with him. Though, it’s not really possible when I work at 6:55AM and they’re asleep. Can’t really avoid talking to coworkers/clients for hours.

89. Name a person you hate?

I don’t hate anyone.

90. Name a person you love?

C. T. C. Butthead. Gorramit. Squashblossom. Turd.

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Nah. I often want to give someone a pillow whack though.

92. In a fight with someone?

No.

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Legit sweatpants? One.

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Maybe three sweaters. Too many hoodies.

95. Last movie you watched?

The Dirt.

[thepalegoldmoon]

Answers

so i was asked to answer all of these so here i gooooooo!!!!~… kms… ;u;

— 1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

uhhhhmmm i dont really hold hands cause i over heat and the get clammy easily, so the last person i “held hands”/ linked arms with was actually at Anime Boston with this rad dude Jay, we were cosplaying Keith and Lance from Voltron. it was a good day, but we were tired as fuck.

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

kinda both depends on the situation and who im around tbh

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

in general or like famous??? uhhhmmm, if we’re going in general tbh me rad ass mate Jay cause why wouldnt I be looking forward to seeing this kid??? hes literally the best thing or person to see ever, duh! and if were going famous??? uhhhmmm music wise either Panic! At The Disco, TOP, orrrrr maybe a tie between some one from the Hamilton, or Heahters musicals.

4. Are you easy to get along with?

again depends on the situation and people. over all id say yeah in some way.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

uhmmm idk because we’d both probably be shit faced and tumbling over each other screaming, incoherently and laughing our asses off. While simultaneously getting into 20 different fights over cheese, bread, and cats. Then crying about video games and anime. probably in the midst of this we’d be laughing and patting each other’s back telling each other how good of a bro the other is an how we’re gonna take over the world by the sheer brute force of dogs and cats

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

uhhhhmmm i dont really have a type but there’s a guy i like alot whos my dream guy tbh, and to me hes perfect in alot and pretty much every single way. ºuº

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

probably not but its nice to hope and dream c:

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

either rn my friend Casey cause shes in spain this week for vacation or my childhood bestfriend Liz cause her birthday just pasted on april 7th and i havent seen her in years.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

depends on who im with and what exactly kinda stuff were talking about. but im always awkard af with everything so im always uncomftorble.

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

mi boi Jay!!~ we tend to get into deep conversation alot. i enjoy it alot tbh hahaha.

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

(when i got to this quesion)

 WE WILL BE TRASH GODS!!!~

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

UHMMM pass cause honestly the whole entirety of Heathers and Hamilton pretty much.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

OMFG HELL YEAH I DO!!!!!!!~

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

yeah man thats always been something i believe in because i have the most terrible luck but i like to believe miracles have happened in my life.

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i started the change in my social life and i got a really rad friend through the beginning phase of it!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

uhmmm ive only done pecks cause im  fucking looser so that was Jay, so hell yeah i would man hahaha! (hes got a kissable face its nice alright, i swear im not this fucking awkward XD) ((and bro i know youll end up reading this. i love ya man!! i hope this isnt too bad lol~))

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

fuck yeah i do bro. i wanna befriend at least one of them tbh.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

not really cause the kid left after 5th grade and i never saw him again,

19. Do you like bubble baths?

fuck yes.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

i dont really talk to them haha.

21. What are you bad habits?

i have alot, talking to much and fighting HARD during a fight, and having the worst timing for smart ass comments, and trying to change things i cant change too much. theres more but thats a good few.

22. Where would you like to travel?

everywhere and anywhere tbh

23. Do you have trust issues?

a bit ive more developed them because of shitty people

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

either shower or the part where i come home and either draw, eat, play video games, get to text my boi, or where i get to sleep.

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

my nose, the corners of my mouth or my big toes.

26. What do you do when you wake up?

text my friend good morning or get up and play with my mouse for a few minutes

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

i enjoy my skin tone but i wish i could tan ith out burning although, ive always wanted to either be albino or see what its like to be darker.

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

either Jay, or my friend Casey

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

nope because i dont talk to them XD

30. Do you ever want to get married?

at some point maybe haha

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

almost but the sides and some of my bangs are just a teeny bit off from making it :u:

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

uhmm not really any tbh theyre all to much older than me

33. Spell your name with your chin.

alyxx/ nyxx

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

ew no but i like swimming and to go on walks for fun

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

thats hard cause i need both for background noise

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

not really, i dont think so

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

something really stupid and half the time really provocative

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

ahhhh hahaha well i dont really know because the guy im crushing on is my dream guy js. and if i were to try and describe him id butcher the amazing and astounding beauty of the real person to be honest

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

ahhhh idk, lush?? and anything with food tbh

40. What do you want to do after high school?

die, or move to salem WITCHever comes first -u0 lol (bad pun i know i know)

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

i belive in ALOT of chances tbh

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

either im tired, extremely sad/depressed, overthinking/ thinking, focusing, thinking how to reply something or im REALLY fucking pissed off at you for something.

43. Do you smile at strangers?

REALLY FUCKING AWKWARDLY AND IN REALLY FUCKING AWKWARD SITUATIONS

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

UHHHHHH BOTH!!!!!~ TF?

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

THE INPENDING FEAR AND DOOM OF CRIPPLING ANXIETY IF I MISS THE BUS OR if im hanging out wiht someone that day the motivation of not being alone in my room with myself for the whole day or so hahaha, or a con/ meet up which applies to friends.

46. What are you paranoid about?

AAAHAHAHAHAHA IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION???? fucking everything…

47. Have you ever been high?

yes

48. Have you ever been drunk?

buzzed not drunk

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

uhhh i dont think so im not really very secretive. maybe like PERSONAL shit but no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Grey

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

a few times

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

uhmmm either eye color and nose Physically.and personality wise i wish i wasnt so stubborn tbh.

53. Favourite makeup brand?

lush is the closest thing to makeup i use hunny

54. Favourite store?

lush

55. Favourite blog?

@thedevilandhisfiddleofgold​ c;

56. Favourite colour?

Blue

57. Favourite food?

uhmmm theres too many to list, all?? except spicy

58. Last thing you ate?

a cracker with nutella on it

59. First thing you ate this morning?

a cinnamon powdered sugar doughnut

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

nope

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Suspending, accused of stealing shitty locker wallpaper panels. THAT I ACCTUALLY FUCKING HADNT ;U;

62. Been arrested? For what?

nope

63. Ever been in love?

YES ;-;

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

never fucking had one kiddies sorry no story time for this one

65. Are you hungry right now?

kinda i want chips

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

uhm my only tumblr friends are friends in real life so not really because how do you like someone more on tumblr than you like them in real life??? not like its impossible its just odd.

67. Facebook or Twitter?

neither tbh, i only use my facebook for my work schedule

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

TUMBLR

69. Are you watching tv right now?

yes i started 13 reasons why

70. Names of your bestfriends?

jay, casey, liz (ranked most to least interaction and tbh who ive talked to most recently, those other two loosers never text me)

71. Craving something? What?

chips, cookies, FOOD, and love, BUT MOSTLY FOOD RN

72. What colour are your towels?

we have mostly white and black towels but theyre all just multicolored

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

(im also counting my stuffed animals as pillows)

at least 11 tbh

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

(refer to last question)

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

9

75. Favourite animal?

wolf, fox, raven, snowleopard, cat, snake (i cant choose)

76. What colour is your underwear?

black like my soul bitch

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

vanilla

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

birthday cake or cotton candy/ bubblegum

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

black

80. What colour pants?

dark grey

81. Favourite tv show?

uhmmmm Voltron or steven universe

82. Favourite movie?

heathers and the crow

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

havent seen the second one (refer to previous question)

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

the lebanese chick and the gay guy that were friends with lindsay lohan’s character

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

thats a hard question cause i love them all ;-;

87. First person you talked to today?

Jay (and caiden???) i sent a message to a group chat right after i woke up, i was pointed at Jay but theyre both in that chat

88. Last person you talked to today?

same chat

89. Name a person you hate?

ahha ahhahaha hahahaha, mmmmm theres alot 

90. Name a person you love?

Jay, Casey, my pets

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

better question… is there not????

92. In a fight with someone?

i dont think so but im aboutabe casue they wont give me times on if theyre coming tomorrow or not ;-;

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

2 and a pair of sweat pants i made into shorts

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

hehehe at least 6 or 7. tbh my attack on titan one has been issing for a while and it makes me sad

95. Last movie you watched?

heathers, im not saying the technical last one cause it was gross as fuck and doe not count as a movie to me

96. Favourite actress?

ehhh hellena bonham carter

97. Favourite actor?

johnny depp

98. Do you tan a lot?

not really cause i burn and im afraid of getting skin cancer

99. Have any pets?

2 guinea PIGS and a mouse

100. How are you feeling?

alright kinda missing my friends and also kind anxious

101. Do you type fast?

depends on my mood, what im typing on,  and about

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

so.. many… things…

103. Can you spell well?

fairly decently i think, average nothing over the top but i try haha

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

ehhh Liz and my friend Julia from Germany she was cool.

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

nope

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

there was a girl named shannon who was all over me and head over heels for me, she mightve been a taurus. she tried to use some serious mental shit to try and get me to stay. i told her to seek professional help and not me.

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

nope

108. What should you be doing?

a 10 page paper and finishing final fantasy, and getting more loot boxes in overwatch

109. Is something irritating you right now?

not really knowing what to do with my senior paper, shop friends, being alone, and not having enough hours in the day and always being fucking tired.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yes, i do right now, tbh, but its cool

111. Do you have trust issues?

this was already asked. slightly it depends on the person

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

no one, mentally and close to physiccally jay and caiden, but im always mentally crying. i dont physically cry if i do youre special, im not that soft.

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Ash

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

i was born in pittsburgh, pa. i lived in townsend, ma and i just recently moved to pepperrel, ma.

115. Do you play the Wii?

not any more

116. Are you listening to music right now?

not really

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yes

118. Do you like Chinese food?

YAS

119. Favourite book?

how to make the perfect boy?? (its something like that) i also really enjoyed mrs. perigrines home for peculiar children.

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

im afraid of what might be in it

121. Are you mean?

i can be

122. Is cheating ever okay?

ew not wtf

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

probably not

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

kinda but only to an extent

125. Do you believe in true love?

again kinda but only to an extent tbh

126. Are you currently bored?

a bit

127. What makes you happy?

chilling with jay, playing wiht my animal or sleeping 

128. Would you change your name?

i want to, im trying to get Alyxx as my name hahah but i have a genius way to keep ASH

129. What your zodiac sign?

GEMINI BIATCH!!!!~

130. Do you like subway?

yeah its alright

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

uhhhh hahah i already dated my childhood bestfriend. Liz was chill but id kindly turn her down

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

already answered this up top, but Jay

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

hmmmm i have too many tbh, id love to put one here but i cant think of a good one atm sorry my dudes

134. Can you count to one million?

maybe but im to lazy to fam

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

hahaha ive told too many to put those down

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

CLOSED OMFG NO #TRIGGERED

137. How tall are you?

5′5.25″ ( THAT QUARTER IS IMPORTANT ;u;, believe it or not i had=ve alot of friends that are taller than me)

138. Curly or Straight hair?

wavy-ish

139. Brunette or Blonde?

i myself am a “brunette”

140. Summer or Winter?

kinda both

141. Night or Day?

ehh more night but i enjoy both

142. Favourite month?

either, October, November, December, and i actually am not a fan of my birth month may haha

143. Are you a vegetarian?

nope but ive thought about becoming one to cleanse and to get in better shape kinda reasons

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

milk and white

145. Tea or Coffee?

both

146. Was today a good day?

ehhh kinda

147. Mars or Snickers?

snickers but i wanna try a mars bar

148. What’s your favourite quote?

hahah either

“ another fucking heather! -sighs- Our love is god let’s go get a slushie!”

-JD “Heathers”

( i relate most to the heather part tbh)

  “ill hook ‘em…” “..and ill cook ‘em!”

-Roadhog and Junkrat “Overwatch”

( YEAH I KNOW IM TRASH BUT ITS A PRECIOUS QUOTE BETWEEN TO REALLY GOOD BEST MATES OKAY!!!??)

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

WHOLE HEARTEDLY, IVE SEEN THEM, IVE FELT THEM, IVE HEARD THEM, TALKED TO THEM, I RESPECT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM AND THEY ARE KINDA SLIGHTLY TERRIFYING BUT I LOVE THEM!

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“WOW MAGNUS, you’re probably thinking. That was… stupid!” 

Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard 

[agalarianzigzagoon]

gonna put this under a read more because sara wanted me to answer them all >_>

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? i honestly have no idea. 2. Are you outgoing or shy? i’m pretty outgoing unless my anxiety is acting up. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? i’m potentially buying a ticket to RTX off of someone, so i’d be looking forward to seeing everyone there.  4. Are you easy to get along with? as long as you don’t give me shit, yes. 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?  i wholeheartedly believe yes (after being texted multiple memes). 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? funny, caring, basically as long as you’re a fucking memer like i am we’re gucci. 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? i hope so .^. 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? he knows who he is :p 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? sometimes? idk it’s weird. 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? i’m p sure it was aidan because The Depression hit. 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “yeah this is the shit i come up with when i’m bored” to vix 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? everything is alright- motion city soundtrack, time won’t let me go- the bravery, breaking and entering- tonight alive, screw eyes- color therapy, the hills- the weeknd 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? i would literally melt into a puddle. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? absolutely 15. What good thing happened this summer? staying up way too late playing stupid fucking video games.  16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? absolutely not he turned into such a scumbag holy shit 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? i dunno, but it’d be cool to find out for certain. 18. Do you still talk to your first crush? nope, i haven’t seen him since my school closed after 6th grade. 19. Do you like bubble baths? don’t have an operational bath because the pipes are cracked, but i never really took baths. 20. Do you like your neighbors? my neighbors to the left of me (if you’re looking at my house) are weird as fuck, neighbor to the left is the sweetest person you’ll ever meet 21. What are your bad habits? biting my nails, cracking my joints really loudly.  22. Where would you like to travel? i really want to go somewhere cold. i’d love to see the northern lights. 23. Do you have trust issues? very severe ones. 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? when i’m at work, coming home and being able to destress because my work environment is shit. when i’m off, going out and goofing off with niko. 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? pretty much all of it, honestly. 26. What do you do when you wake up? flop around looking for my glasses. 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? i’m fine where it is right now. 28. Who are you most comfortable around? anyone from the discord chats i’m in and the few friends i retained from high school (aka sascha and inky). 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? it wasn’t even a breakup it was just “oh i moved away and mostly forgot about you” so i don’t even consider him an ex. 30. Do you ever want to get married? yeye. 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? that’s my hairstyle of choice. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? bitch what. no. 33. Spell your name with your chin. kzasgtkied (could be worse) 34. Do you play sports? What sports? nope, but i like screaming at hockey. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? tv. i pretty much only keep it on as background noise anyway. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? yeah, and it sucked but oh well, things happen for a reason. 37. What do you say during awkward silences? “sooooo.......” 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? funny, willing to stick by even if things get bad, likes memes as much as i do. i’m not really picky and they don’t need to have the same interests that i do because i love hearing about things that i may not have any idea about. 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? i really don’t have any? 40. What do you want to do after high school? well i’m already out of high school and all i know its not working this shitty minimum wage job. 41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? yes, unless they’ve already taken those chances for granted or done something severe. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? that i’m extremely upset. 43. Do you smile at strangers? i try to. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? outer space. 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? usually the fact i have to go to work, but if not, the pup. 46. What are you paranoid about? the people i care about not actually caring about me. that’s my main fear. 47. Have you ever been high? that’s a hard no. 48. Have you ever been drunk? twice. once on new year’s eve 2016 and then in january for my birthday. 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? not that i can think of. 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? yellow. 51. Ever wished you were someone else? hasn’t everyone? 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i wasn’t so anxious over things. 53. Favourite makeup brand? i don’t really wear makeup but I like covergirl and prestige eyeliner. 54. Favourite store? as cringy as it is, gamestop and hot topic. but i don’t go out much. 55. Favourite blog? there’s a LOT. 56. Favourite colour? purple and blue. 57. Favourite food? chicken. 58. Last thing you ate? grape freeze pop. 59. First thing you ate this morning? bagel with cream cheese. 60. Ever won a competition? For what? i got third place in a spelling bee in 5th grade and got first place at both regionals and states for pjas (basically a pa statewide science competition). 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? i got an ISS for socking a kid who later became my crush in the nose in 4th grade because he was annoying me. 62. Been arrested? For what? nope. 63. Ever been in love? absolutely and it’s the best feeling i’ve ever felt. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? it was on the way back from a band competition, and we were all crammed onto a school bus. we were sitting in a seat together and i was tired so i kinda dozed off a little but when i woke up i was like “fucking kiss him god damn it you’ve been dating for like a month and a half” and i just DID.   65. Are you hungry right now? a little. 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i don’t really have too many “tumblr friends” that aren’t also my real friends. 67. Facebook or Twitter? facebook because i love reading the drama. 68. Twitter or Tumblr? twitter tumblr is a fucking cesspool. 69. Are you watching tv right now? just as background noise. 70. Names of your bestfriends?  (most will be their online names) there’s like three sarahs/saras, vix, bonk, d, rose, rory, inky, james, aidan, quartz, bunn, hal, and cheese. (i have so many online friends holy fuck.) 71. Craving something? What? the sweet embrace of death. nah but for real like... watermelon or just fruit in general. 72. What colour are your towels? i have a blue one, a red one, and a yellow one.  72. How many pillows do you sleep with? two usually. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? not anymore. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? probably a good amount but they’re all in the attic. 75. Favourite animal? i love pretty much all animals but i love dogs/wolves/foxes. 76. What colour is your underwear? white. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? why not both? 78. Favourite ice cream flavour? chocolate peanut butter swirl or mint chocolate chip. 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? reddish-magentaish? 80. What colour pants? blue. 81. Favourite tv show? my favorite of all time will always be siberia. 82. Favourite movie? twister or edward scissor hands 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? mean girls. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? I’ve never seen 21 jump street all the way through so mean girls again. 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? don’t really have one, but if i had to pick, janis. 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? crush because who doesn’t love stoner turtles? 87. First person you talked to today? i think it was my mom. 88. Last person you talked to today? one of the many sarahs i call my friends. 89. Name a person you hate? if i say it i’ll probably get arrested lmfao. 90. Name a person you love? @riones-lair​ :* 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? i’m always ready to punch someone. 92. In a fight with someone? not that i know of. 93. How many sweatpants do you have? probably 5 or 6. 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? an unnecessary amount. probably 17 or 18. we collect hoodies like they're going out of style. 95. Last movie you watched? probably one of the harry potter movies 96. Favourite actress? don’t really have one. 97. Favourite actor? johnny depp because of edward scissorhands. 98. Do you tan a lot? no, i burn and i burn badly. 99. Have any pets? niko who is a massive neapolitan mastiff that farts a lot. 100. How are you feeling? sleepy and in pain. 101. Do you type fast? when i get really into doing something i can type so fast you would not believe. 102. Do you regret anything from your past? a lot of things, but the past is the past. can’t do anything about it. 103. Can you spell well? i like to think i do. 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? of course, but they’re in the past for a reason. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? a few times, my grandmother has a big backyard and we’d have bonfires back there. 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? i don’t think so. 107. Have you ever been on a horse? yes, his name was macaroni and i loved him very much. 108. What should you be doing? SLEEPING. 109. Is something irritating you right now? the slight headache i have going on. 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? once but then i realized it wasn’t worth the pain. 111. Do you have trust issues? didn’t i get asked this before? but yes. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? i don’t remember physically but while talking to someone it was quartz, aidan, and aidan’s girlfriend sarah. 113. What was your childhood nickname? usually only ever called kate. 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? farthest i’ve ever been out of state is alabama. 115. Do you play the Wii? i used to, not so much anymore. 116. Are you listening to music right now? i was but now i’m watching a twitch stream. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? yesssss. 118. Do you like Chinese food? certain types make me sick but for the most part yes. 119. Favourite book? the entire Maximum Ride series. 120. Are you afraid of the dark? not really? 121. Are you mean? really only if people are mean to me. 122. Is cheating ever okay? no. never. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? for a while, all shoes inevitably get dirty. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? yes. 125. Do you believe in true love? yes. 126. Are you currently bored? somewhat. 127. What makes you happy? drawing, writing, talking to people that care about me. 128. Would you change your name? if i could get my full first name shortened to my nickname that’d be good enough for me. 129. What your zodiac sign? capricoooooorn. 130. Do you like subway? sweet onion chicken teriyaki all the way. 131. Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? tell him i have a boyfriend and that he should have said something like a year and a half ago lmfao. 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? pretty sure i was asked this too? but yeah, aidan. 133. Favourite lyrics right now? “i am so homesick for someone that i never knew/ i am so homesick now for someplace that i’ll never be” 134. Can you count to one million? it’ll take forever, but yeah. 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? i’ve told a bunch of stupid fucking lies holy shit. 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed. 137. How tall are you? 5′6″, i’m short. 138. Curly or Straight hair? wavy. 139. Brunette or Blonde? dirty blonde. 140. Summer or Winter? winter. 141. Night or Day? night 142. Favourite month? october. 143. Are you a vegetarian? absolutely not. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? milk and white. 145. Tea or Coffee? tea. 146. Was today a good day? surprisingly, yes. 147. Mars or Snickers? you’re asking mars or mars. snickers, though. 148. What’s your favourite quote? as corny as it is, i love “don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” 149. Do you believe in ghosts? definitely. 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “Up!” - The Lake House

[13flowersandfoxes]

Uhhh how about 1-100 please? 😘

1. What is you middle name?Nope
2. How old are you?20
3. When is your birthday?Nov 27
4. What is your zodiac sign?Sagittarius 
5. What is your favorite color?Purple or green
6. What’s your lucky number?Look at my URL :)
7. Do you have any pets?A cat and a dog
8. Where are you from?Southern California 
9. How tall are you?5'11
10. What shoe size are you? 10
11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?A lot
12. What was your last dream about?I dunno. 
13. What talents do you have?Being weird. Annoying cats and people. Cooking. Drinking Dr Pepper and water. But really I dunno. 
14. Are you psychic in any way?No. closest thing is i read people and their emotions pretty well but I don’t consider that psychic, just sensitive to people’s emotions. 
15. Favorite song?Sea Green See Blue by Lily Allen
16. Favorite movie?I have too many and I’m too tired to think of that. 
17. Who would be your ideal partner?Someone who is honest, attentive, loving, polite. Supportive. Not dependent on me and doesn’t expect that of me either, encourages what I love, and shows interest in it. Basically I want someone who doesn’t make me doubt myself and doesn’t depend on me (cause I’m not strong enough for the kind of guys who do that to me TBH) 
18. Do you want children?Possibly. I doubt myself and my abilities and patience in that realm, I definitely don’t want a lot of kids. 2-3 is probably what I’d want if I had them. For now I’m happy with animals though cause they don’t drain me as much. 
19. Do you want a church wedding?Yes. 
20. Are you religious?Yes. 
21. Have you ever been to the hospital?Lol yes. 
22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?Nope. Have been taken from home in a cop car though 😉
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?A few, mostly comic con. I think Paul mcgann or John Rhys Davies are like my favorite memories. Also this one actor who was a minor elf in lotr.
24. Baths or showers?Both
25. What color socks are you wearing?None
26. Have you ever been famous?Tumblr is the most famous I’ve been.

Or maybe when I screamed at the top of my lungs at a “make the most noise” contest during a raffle at my sisters college orientation. It was to win a stuffed tiger (the school mascot, but to me I just cared cause it was a tiger). I was left by myself to watch the tickets while my family went somewhere real quick and I really wanted it since the beginning of the raffle, so I just belted out the biggest scream I’ve ever done. Like everyone else was adults going “yeahhhhh” and here I am a little 9 year old just shrieking for a tiger toy.

I still have it. Lol. The judge was super impressed by my determination. 
27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?I’ve fantasized about it at times, as I do with lots of different lifestyles, and some things would be nice but I’d struggle with having my life picked to pieces and being criticized. I can hardly handle a mean asshole on this website lol. 
28. What type of music do you like?Rock, alternative, etc
29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?No
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?2
31. What position do you usually sleep in?Sides
32. How big is your house?Fairly big. 2 huge living rooms, a kitchen and dining room, “5” bedrooms and 3 baths and utility room. It’s 2 stories. I know it might sound massive to some of you, but it’s actually on the small side where I live, I’ve been in my friends house who claims her house is average and it’s practically a mansion, like 3 floors, huge yard, gorgeous looking. My house is pretty cheaply built holy shit I can’t even begin to tell you how shitty they built my house. The space is great but still. My old house in California was 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and fairly outdated on some of the style but it was well built and gorgeous I miss it so much. (That was a stupidly long answer lol)
33. What do you typically have for breakfast?Nothing, sometimes cereal
34. Have you ever fired a gun?Yeah! 😊 
35. Have you ever tried archery?Yes I have and I wanna learn to be better at it!
36. Favorite clean word?????
37. Favorite swear word?????
38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?I’m not sure
39. Do you have any scars?A few. Some nasty surgery scars, softball, self harm, and a scar from playing tag in 5th grade
40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?A couple times I think
41. Are you a good liar?Not really
42. Are you a good judge of character?Sometimes but I generally don’t trust people especially if I feel like they’re taking my friends 
43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?A few. Southern. Scottish. English. Aussie. That’s about it. 
44. Do you have a strong accent?If you think of a plain American accent with no particular “regionalism” as strong
45. What is your favorite accent?Scottish I guess 
46. What is your personality type?You mean like infj?
47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?I’m not sure. I have a few expensive pieces 😬 
48. Can you curl your tongue?Yes
49. Are you an innie or an outie?what in the fuck does this mean*******
50. Left or right handed?Right
51. Are you scared of spiders?Not really. Not a particular fan though
52. Favorite food?I dunnooooooo
53. Favorite foreign food?Mexican is like my comfort food
54. Are you a clean or messy person?Messy person who tries to be neat
55. Most used phrased?I dunno I really hate these kinds of questions
56. Most used word?^^^^^^
57. How long does it take for you to get ready?5-60 minutes. Just depends 
58. Do you have much of an ego?Depends on the day
59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?Both
60. Do you talk to yourself?Not a lot
61. Do you sing to yourself?Sometimes 
62. Are you a good singer?I’m able to carry a tune well but I don’t like the actual sound of my voice.
63. Biggest Fear?Being alone and unloved 
64. Are you a gossip?A bit I guess? I don’t do it to be petty I just like knowing things. I’ve never spread false information, and it’s always stayed within a tight circle of friends. 
65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?Carol, Before We Go and Schindlers List are all up there. 
66. Do you like long or short hair?For myself I like long hair
67. Can you name all 50 states of America?Most likely
68. Favorite school subject?History or psych
69. Extrovert or Introvert?Introvert
70. Have you ever been scuba diving?No
71. What makes you nervous?Social interaction 
72. Are you scared of the dark?Slightly. It’s a childhood fear that I still carry a bit but I don’t mind it unless I think about it and let my imagination go
73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?Sometimes. I’m lazy with my name even though I hate it
74. Are you ticklish?….. 
75. Have you ever started a rumor?Not that I recall but I won’t claim innocence cause nobody is innocent of petty shit
76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?Kind of. I was somewhat the assistant manager at my last job. And I tend to get put in leadership positions 
77. Have you ever drank underage?No
78. Have you ever done drugs?No
79. Who was your first real crush?Besides a kindergarten one? Maybe I guess shea my neighbor as a kid
80. How many piercings do you have?Just the pair of daiths
81. Can you roll your Rs?“Sometimes yes, sometimes no
82. How fast can you type?I dunno
83. How fast can you run?Not very
84. What color is your hair?Red
85. What color is your eyes?Green
86. What are you allergic to?Morphine
87. Do you keep a journal?I’m trying to do one I came up with an idea for. 
88. What do your parents do?My mom works at a retailer, my dad is an engineer. 
89. Do you like your age?I guess. 
90. What makes you angry?People who are unnecessarily mean. 
91. Do you like your own name?Yes. 
92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?A few. I think a daughter may be an Elizabeth, Rose, or Billie, and a boy may be a Rory, Aster, or McKay. 
93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?I’d like one of each but if I’d have to choose one probably a girl TBH cause my family is mostly girls. I mean I always seem to befriend more guys but say I was alone with a daughter (which I’d hope not to be) I’d know more about girls and their bodies
94. What are you strengths?Fashion, makeup, cooking. Caring too damn much. Idk. 
95. What are your weaknesses?Google BPD. Lol
96. How did you get your name?Hana Highway in Hawaii. Made my mom super sick. So did being pregnant with me. She connected the dots. Name idea. And it stuck. 
97. Were your ancestors royalty?Yeah my mom likes to do research on this and there’s some distant relation to English royalty
98. Do you have any scars?This same question is already in here
99. Color of your bedspread?Tan with blue. It’s pretty. 
100. Color of your room?My mom said she repainted it! Idk to what yet, but it’s been pink and yellow as a reminder of the 4 year old that used to live in my room so I’m gonna be so happy