#friend had no money. i spent 20$ on 2 so they could get the free one

[gg-is-a-loser]

i got scammed at a convention

[stickandthorn]

I was thinking about that post about redemption I just reblogged, and I think it’s worth pointing out just how difficult and time consuming it would to de-radicalize or “redeem” Lilliana. And I think Essek’s redemption in campaign 2 is actually a really good example of what I’m talking about.

First of all, what the Nein did to redeem Essek was not slowly and politely talk him through why what he did was wrong. They didn’t even know he did anything wrong. What they did was continually reach out to him and give him a support system of friends he did not have before. Notably, friends who he could be comfortable sharing his worldview around: he was an atheist* in a theocratic society who had to hide his worldview in order to have any social, academic, or governmental standing. The mighty nein were probably the first people he could be himself around, and creating a change in his personal life is what led to a change in his ideology. Notably, he did most of the actual deconstructing of his ideology on his own, some before the big betrayal reveal and a lot after. The Nein helped with that directly a little, but the main thing they did was offer him a personal connection he had stakes in, and a people in his life with different world views he hadn’t seen up close before.

This is pretty true to life, in the real world, most people who leave radical or bigoted groups leave at least partially because of a change in their personal life. Even if they do leave because of someone directly challenging their worldview, it’s usually someone they care about who challenges them in a non-aggressive way. It’s still personal.

Secondly, this took a lot of time. I can’t remember exactly how long they spent in the Dynasty, but they befriended Essek over a really long period of in game and out of game time. The cast spent actual real world hours talking pretty much one on one with Essek, and the party spent weeks, maybe even months slowly getting to know him and bringing this support structure into his life. Essek spent even longer actually thinking through and deconstructing on his own. The change in his worldview between the ship and the outpost really shows this, he did a lot of the thinking that led him to change by himself over a lot of time we weren’t there for. They could not have gotten him to actually change his mindset, fully realize what he did was wrong of his own free will, in anything approaching a short amount of time. This was a time consuming process.

All this to say: this is the kind of effort it would take to legitimately de-radicalize Lilliana. She has been in the Vanguard for ~25 years, she most likely joined when she was in her early to mid 20s, and she gave up all personal connections, even her daughter and her husband to join. Not only has her entire ideology been built around this being the right thing to do, her entire personal life is contained within the Vanguard. It’s most likely where she gets any housing or money or really anything from. It is her whole life, and she believes wholeheartedly in it. The level of time and effort it took to get Essek to organically change his mind is most likely the level it would take to get Lilliana to change hers, if not more.

And they don’t have that time. Lilliana is actively doing harm now, she is helping the Vanguard release Predathos right now, they simply do not have the time to redeem her. It sucks, but pragmatically speaking, it is simply not worth the time and effort. Essek gave away the beacons in the past, but also, the Nein did not know he did that for their early friendship. If the Nein had known, they probably would not have put in all the work it took to get him to change. They probably couldn’t have. Lilliana might be able to be redeemed in theory, but so can a lot of people who do very bad things. Focusing on that redemption process is prioritizing Imogen’s complicated feelings over the harsh reality that this is a war, and Lilliana is a key figure in that war doing a great deal of harm. It sucks, but I do think it’s time to move on, and I think Imogen is now leaning that way.

*atheist is a loose term here, it’s hard to be an atheist in a world where gods are proven to exist, but it gets the point across

[babiebom]

Sdv Age and Height Headcanons

A/N: hi! It’s officially my birthday(the 15th) and I am now 23 :((((( I didn’t know what to post because everything is in the works right now but I wanted to post something to celebrate in a way so here!! Only base game stardew characters so no ridgeside or expanded. I do count Rasmodius/Marlon/Gunther/Morris as base game even though they’re expanded upon in mods. If anyone has questions for me (personal or about my fics or whatever) feel free to request or ask!!

Tw: none other than a mention of death in Shane’s part.

Sdv Masterlist

Sebastian

We always have to start with the loml (it tries to autocorrect loml to mommy and lonely btw)

I think he’s about 23-26 I think he has a degree in IT but I’m not sure. He has to be able to have graduated or taken classes or something.

I think he’s 5’10 at the shortest and 6’2 maybe 6’2 1/2 at the tallest.

Idk just seems tall to me because he’s lowkey intimidating.

Sam

Him and Abigail are in the same age range. I think they were born in the same year.

This means he is about 22-25 and his birthday occurs right after summer break(maybe I should do birthday headcanons?)

I think he is a very tall boy(keep in mind that I am short af so what I mean by very tall depends)

So maybe he is 5’10 at the shortest like Seb and 6’3 at the tallest.

I think him and Seb can be interchangeable when it comes to height? Both of them however come behind Harvey and Elliott but not by a lot.

Shane

The shortest bachelor for sure

I think he is very short and stocky he gives me big strong dad energy like your dads not the tallest but man is strong af.

So maybe 5’5-5’8? I mean 5’8 isnt short at all really but keep in mind I’m saying this is the tallest he can be, and the height really does make some guys seem really short when in reality they arent( also my phone tried to add king every time I typed short so there’s that)

Among the older bachelors so about 31-35?

I feel like that’s enough time to go from playing football(sorry gridball) in high school, getting a scholarship to play in college, dropping out to take care of his goddaughter when his friends die and becoming depressed.

He just seems like a 30 something year old going through the trenches :(.

Harvey

I think the oldest out of the bachelors and bachelorettes. He has gone to med school and that is I think at least like 4 years then 8 years? Unless I’m wrong lmao

So I think he would be around 35-38

He’s an older man that has spent his life helping people it’s so cute

He is on the taller side. In my mind he gives gentle giant vibes.

So 6’0 at the shortest and maybe 6’5 at the tallest. I think he towers over people but his posture is so bad that no one notices.

Alex

I think he is between the ass trio and Maru so 21-24

I think he graduated high school only a couple years prior to year one because of how passionate he is about gridball and how he thinks it’ll happen I don’t think anyone older would be like “someday I’ll go pro” they’d be crushed already

I think he is 6’0 exactly. He gives off 6 feet vibes like I can see that if he had a tinder profile it would 100 percent say “I’m 6’0 btw”

Elliott

I think he’s 34 exactly.

He seems like during his 20s he worked in the family business, he did what was told of him because he didn’t really know how to be an adult.

Then when he hit 30 he decided that he didn’t want anything to do with the family business and decided to move to Pelican Town to follow his dreams of writing.

He had enough money saved up to move and cut contact with his parents after they threatened to disown him because of him choosing to chase his dreams.

I think he is up there with Harvey as I’ve already said. I think they could be the same height range and who is taller is interchangeable.

So 6’0-6’5 really. Gives off hunk on the cover of a romance novel vibes.

Penny

I think she’s around 24-26. And I do think she has a teaching license and an education degree so this would give her enough time to have graduated and come back to Pelican Town after like a year of teaching in the city.

She seems sort of mature but immature at the same time, like immature when it comes to romance and dating, and sort of life but also she has the vibes of an introvert that was forced to mature quickly so she is good at making decisions, but at the same time her emotions are out of whack.

I think she’s a petite girl she doesn’t look very tall at all.

So I think she’s 5’2-5’5 I think for women to me 5’5 that’s the cap on people seeming short to me for women.

Abigail

Luckily I didn’t have to think about this too hard because I already answered this in one of my very first posts

I think she is 5’4 to 5’8 (sorry I’m American so 162 to 172 cm?)

She’s the first one I’m doing I’m not converting everyone but it’s like 2.5 cm per inch and 30.5 per foot

Her age is around 22-25 in year 1 I think. I know I’m my original Abigail headcanon I said oldest is 24 but I think 25 is okay.

She is amongst the youngest in her grade level during school years.

Haley

I think she’s on the younger side, like the same age range as Alex. Especially because she gives the vibes if she just graduated and hasn’t grown out of her mean girl/insecure personality

So she’s about 21-24

I think she’s similar to Abigail where she gives off like petite girl energy but also tall girl energy. Like I feel like she was a cheerleader and people always said that she could model so maybe she’s on the taller side

So maybe 5’4-5’7

Idk what it is about women that are 5’7 are specifically beautiful to me, they seem super tall but not so tall that it makes me feel like they’re a giant, their arms and legs are long idkidk.

Emily

She’s the older sister of Haley, and I think she’s pretty close to Shane and Gus so I think she’s on the older side

I also think that she could be the oldest out of all the bachelorettes.

So maybe 29-35

She seems a lot more mature than Haley, as well as understanding and confident in her life and her choices

As well as she doesn’t seem insecure or as if she’s weird at all like I think younger people are.

I think her height range is very small compared to the others like

She’s 5’5-5’6

She gives off the vibes for that like not too short not too tall just average.

Maru

In my opinion Maru is the youngest out of the bachelorettes AND bachelors because I think everyone is around the same age and she’s the younger sister of Sebastian who I think is closer to everyone else’s ages so it makes her younger.

I think she’s about 19-21

Like yes she’s working as a nurse, but it’s a small town and she’s an actual genius, I don’t think they care that she’s young. Besides Harvey handles everything on his own she mostly does paperwork and assistant stuff.

Her height has to be around like 5’2-5’4 I think she is a very small girl despite Robin and Demetrius being a little on the taller side.

Leah

I think she might be the second oldest out of the bachelorettes

Like her backstory is her working in a dead end job, she was in a longtime relationship and could’ve gotten married had she not decided to leave

So she’s about 27-31 she’s not the same age as Emily, but she does hang out with Elliott so I think she’s a little older.

I think she’s about 5’6 she makes me feel as if she’s about average in heigh because of how artistic she is I feel like anyone smaller would be very disadvantaged when carving or doing anything and so would someone taller.

Pierre

I think he would be about 5’9-5’11

Like he doesn’t seem too tall but he does give me taller side energy

Would probably tell people he’s 6 feet bc he gives me the vibes of someone who would because he wants to seem like he’s perfect.

I think he’s like 45-48

He is for sure older than Caroline especially because I believe he is into the traditional gender roles which means younger wife and older husband.

Caroline

Caroline I think is a very average woman. And not by looks because I think she actually would be quite attractive like I feel like she would be vERY beautiful.

I mean in terms of her body, she isn’t too big or too small, she didn’t have too much fat or too little her body is just average.

So I think she would be 5’4-5’6

I also think all of the moms are in a similar age range so she would be 44-47

Honestly with the way they’re designed I would’ve said 30s but that would make no sense if their kids are in the marrying age/having kids range.

Jodi

I think she is on the shorter side, she gives me short thicc mom energy. Especially because Kent is a military man.

So maybe 5’2-5’5 bc I think Kent towers over her and so does Sam. The kids did not get her genes because I do think Vincent would be quite tall when he is an adult.

I also think she would be like 43-46 she has a kid that’s an adult and a kid that’s a child so I think this age range would be more plausible for her to have had one kid young and the other one at an older age.

Kent

Is large and in charge like BIG MAN

So I think he must be 6’2-6’5

Like towers over most people and intimidates them based on size alone.

Similar age as Jodi. I think they probably were in the same grade in high school so same age 43-46

Vincent

Right now like as of year 1 would probably be tiny

Like people think he’s going to turn out like Jodi but would actually turn out to be like Kent and Sam and be huge.

So maybe like 3’10?

Kinda small for his age but not like super small?

He is probably 6 or 7 years old

So CUTEEEEEE

Evelyn

Granny Evelyn is probably TINY

Like I think she is 4’9

She’s so cute and small and was probably taller when she was younger

Also old as HELL from how she looks

So maybe from 80-95

Because she as well as George have to older than everyone on the older side.

George

Was probably on the taller side before he was wheelchair bound.

Probably 5’11 exactly like not super tall but tall enough.

Him and Evelyn have such a big height gap and it’s ADORABLE.

I think maybe 2 or 3 years older than Evelyn

83-98 so super old lmao

Pam

I think the oldest out of the parents

So maybe 49-54

She hates the fact that she’s on the older side out of the parents, especially because she isn’t really close to the others as much as she would like to be. She feels out of place among them.

I think she’s about 5’6 I can see her being VERY beautiful when she was younger, and she probably still has a nice body and face, especially if she stops drinking.

Lewis

His ass is probably in his 60s but sees himself as younger

I think 60s isn’t really old at all, like it’s still enough time to do different things.

But his glory days are over

Probably 5’9 like average height.

Clint

I think he might be younger than Emily. His crush seems very immature to me. And it makes him a little less incel-y but idk.

So maybe 27-30?

He’s definitely old enough to know not to act a fool but like it makes sense at this age that he’s an asshole after being rejected for so long y’know.

I think he’s maybe 5’9? Not too short but not too tall. Definitely thinks being taller could’ve helped his situation.

Gunther

I cannot tell anything about this man at ALL

He’s very mysterious

I think he is literally 40-59

Could literally be anywhere in that

He’s probably 5’10 too since I think he’s able to see something on the shelves, and he can see over the counter.

Gus

He’s on the older side. Idk if he has kids or anything, but he gives dad vibes

So maybe 50-59 not too old but like middle aged.

Very sweet and that’s what gives me the father vibes.

Also he doesn’t seem like a gossip but knows a lot which gives me that age range.

I think he’s either 5’6 or 6’3 nothing else. I think 5’6 is more likely though.

Demetrius

I think he is a little younger than Robin. It’s lowkey what makes him and Sebastian to be so bad at getting along.

So maybe 40-42?

Old enough to be a dad but not really old enough I guess.

I think he is VERY tall. Especially since in game it looks like he has a little height over Robin.

So 6’3 at the shortest? 6’5 at the most?

Robin

43-46

I think she had Sebastian at 20? Maybe younger but I think 20 is a good age. She was young and barely out of teenagedom that her parents were probably upset.

I think she’s a little tall but not too tall like 5’7

Very beautiful and her legs are longer than her torso but not in a tall SpongeBob vibe y’know.

Marlon

I think he’s in his 50s? So 50-60

I think he is younger than Lewis and that’s also why they can’t really get along other than Marnie.

Probably 5’10

Like tall enough that when fighting monsters he has no disadvantage but not so tall that he can’t get anything done.

Linus

He is also mysterious.

He looks old but at the same time he lives in nature and his looks probably don’t match his age.

So anywhere from 50-70?

Some 70 year olds look young and can move around and I don’t doubt that he is agile due to him being a nature man.

Leo

On the taller side of kids.

So sort of like 4’5 or almost 5’0

I think Leo is older than Jas and Vincent

But not too much older that it’s weird.

So maybe 10?

Marnie

I think she is on the older side. I don’t think that she is too old, for sure younger than Lewis

I think she’s like 50-56?

Young enough that Lewis wants to sleep with her for sure

Also young enough that she still hopes by some miracle that she has a child

I think she’s like 5’2-5’4

Rasmodius

I think he is either like super old like hundreds of years or like a mortal person old

So maybe like 60-70

Quite a bit older than Caroline and old enough that he has lived and seen some things

Like an affair and a divorce and losing everything

Probably 6’0 exactly ngl

Jas

Also on the smaller side, and will end up like 5’2 at most when she’s older

So like 3’7 first year she is a very small BABY

She’s also the same age as Vincent so 6 or 7

Willy

I think he is old but doesn’t look it

So in his 60s-70s

Has time to fish and perfect it has time to gain things and lose things

Has lived through a LOT

I think he is 5’5-5’9

A bit on the smaller side but y’know short kings exist.

[whosyuno]

hotel paradise (m) | ft. jung jaehyun

summary you visit an exclusive brothel to satisfy your needs. cw smut, praise, humiliation, toy play, light choking, squirting word count 3.1k a/n i'm thinking of turning this into a smut series featuring different members of nct hehe! chap two three

It’s only when you’ve spent half the night burrowing your vibrator between your thighs and it decided to die right before you’ve reached your climax, that you decided to take up your colleague’s suggestion. 

Fresh out of a break-up, you had moved to Seoul a few months back. The money here was better anyways and you wanted to forget all about your ex. All your highschool friends that had moved to Seoul always talked about how Seoul was the It-Place. Where the people were wild and parties were wilder. You thought you were finally going to find people that brought the much needed excitement and thrill you desired, particularly in your bedroom. Your ex-boyfriend, although your highschool sweetheart, wasn’t the best in bed and most of his attempts had left you feeling unsatisfied and yearning for more… fun.

Of course, nothing ever turned out the way you wanted and, now, six months into your stay in Seoul, you’ve never had anyone approach you, much less touch you. But when one of your colleagues-turned-friends caught wind of your little situation, she had casually introduced you to “just the place to get your needs sorted”. 

So that’s how, at 2:38AM on a Saturday, you found yourself standing before an unassuming building, its exterior the same dark maroon bricks as the surrounding buildings with a panel of frosted glass doors facing you. The light from within shone into the street, illuminating the empty night, if not for the lingering drunkards from the parties before. 

You glanced down at your phone, at an invitation message, as you took a moment to steel your resolve. You tried to push out the thoughts of doubt out of your head. In any case, if Hotel Paradise was exclusive enough to require an invitation by an existing member, then that must be a green flag, right?

You were immediately greeted by a bleach-blond haired lady when you walked through the doors. She looked neat and tidy, which calmed your anxieties about this being a sketchy brothel just a little. 

“Welcome to Hotel Paradise, I’m Taeyeon, what can I do for you?” she said, with a perfected customer service smile. 

You showed her your invitation message, and she made quick work in creating a membership for you in the system. 

“Any requests for tonight?” she asked and gestured towards the plaques in front of you.

Your cheeks were quick to turn pink at her direct question. You glanced over at the plaques on the surface of the reception desk. Laminated behind plastic, they detailed a list of 20 boys, with photos and a short list of their strengths. Amidst your fluster, you quickly pointed at the first one that caught your attention. Jung Jaehyun, Toy Play, Praise and Humiliation. 

“Okay,” she said as her freshly manicured fingers ran across her keyboard, “looks like he’s free currently. Is there anything else you’d like?”

You shook your head, mortified to share any more of your kinks with a stranger - kinks that you didn’t even share with your ex. 

It took a moment before Taeyeon motioned you to go up the spiral stairs behind the counter. Second room to your left, she mentioned. You swallowed your saliva, before walking into the room. 

The room was quite spacious, with egg-white paint coating the walls, a neatly made king-sized bed in the middle and a decent bathroom attached. If it wasn't for the row of sex toys placed on the table at the foot of the bed, you could have fooled anyone into thinking it was a room in any respectable hotel. 

“My, my, what a lovely guest,” the man in the middle of the room came to greet you. 

Immediately, you were captivated by his looks. You had picked him, for the most part, due to his photo. But looking at him in person was a whole other experience. His fluffy brown hair was carelessly tossed backwards with a few stray strands perfectly framing his face. His almond-shaped eyes were pressed into crescents and only god knew how hard you’d fall for his dazzling smile.

His hands reached over and removed the little shoulder bag that you had brought with you. And in a smooth motion, his arm slipped around your waist as he guided you to sit on the bed.  It was only now, sitting in front of Jaehyun, that you’d wished you had spent just a little more time in choosing a more appropriate outfit. In a rush to satisfy your needs and to save on laundry efforts, you had put on your office wear - a neat powder blue blouse tucked into wide legged black trousers - the same one that had worn to the office on Friday.

“Busy day, huh?” he asked, brushing a strand of hair behind your ear before resting his hand on your jawline. 

You nodded; your cheeks flushed against his warm touch. Your attention was entirely drawn in by him and his effortless charm.

“I’ll reward you for working hard,” he said before gently kissing you. 

His lips, soft and plump, pressed against yours softly, as if testing out the waters. Once, then twice. And another. When your arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him closer, his tongue skillfully parted your lips and darted into your mouth. He tasted like cool mint, and you caught a whiff of his sandalwood cologne. The intensity and fervour of the kiss only increased with each passing moment. Lust ignited a flame within you that spread across your body. 

He used his body weight and pushed you down on the bed, with one knee between your legs to balance. His hand wandered around your body, caressing your breast, your waist and your butt before his fingers made quick work of your pants’ button and zipper. He slid the trousers off and, with a little kick from you, threw the pants across the room. 

His lips then left yours for a moment, and it drew out a whine that you had never heard yourself make. It pleased him to hear your voice. You watched as a simple make out transformed the sweet and charming man into a lustful one. His once inviting smile morphed into a thirsty smirk, his lips were swollen, and his eyes burned with desire. 

He left the bed for a moment, picking up your trousers and a small vibrator from the table before returning to you. He used the trousers as a makeshift rope to tie both your wrists to the bedpost and before dropping down between your legs.

“You look so pretty from down here,” he said as he placed the small vibrator against your clothed clit. 

He moved it up and down, along your slit, taking in your moans of pleasure. He watched your every effort to push yourself closer to climax: how you’d buck your hips when the vibe hitted the right spot, how your moans got louder and less restrained and how your hands struggled against the bedpost. 

“Please, please, please,” you cried out, “please let me cum- oh my god, I’m so close.” 

Everything you did only pleased him further. 

“You’re such a little slut, aren’t you?” He slid the vibrator away from your clit, “Already cumming for a stranger you’ve barely met?” 

Your hips bucked and adjusted, hoping to feel the vibrator again, “Please, please.” 

You whined and moaned but all he did was watch. His control was immaculate, he’d place the vibrator against your clit and just as you were about to cum, he’d take it off. Then he did it again. And again. 

“Say it,” he said, “Let me hear it. What are you?” 

A blush of mortification coloured your cheeks, no one had ever called you a slut.

“I’m…” You struggled to get the words out. 

Jaehyun punished your hesitation by pushing the vibrator against your clit again. 

You whined and were reminded of the reward at the end of the sentence, “I’m a slut. I’m a slut just for you.” 

Pleased with your words and your desperation, Jaehyun finally let you cum, “That’s right, cum for me, slut. You’re such a good slut for me.”

He watched as the ecstasy ebbed through your body, your hips bucking high before crashing down against the bed, your fingers digging into your palms and your lips carelessly spewing out ‘thank you’s and ‘oh my god’s. 

“That felt good, right?” 

You nodded, albeit a little tired from that singular orgasm. It’s not an exaggeration to say that no one had made you feel the way his touch did. Forcing you to brand yourself as a slut sparked a new thrill for yourself. Everything he did only drew you into his lust-driven heaven. 

He let you rest for a brief moment, as he swapped out the small vibrator for a vibrating dildo this time. 

Watching Jaehyun put the dildo in his hands, you perked up with more energy. 

By now, your cotton panties had been drenched in your juices. So, Jaehyun slipped them off to reveal your pussy. It’s been awhile since you’ve shaved, it wasn’t like you had anyone to show them to. This was an impromptu decision you had made. You immediately shut your legs up together, hiding them in embarrassment.

Jaehyun responded by softly prying your legs open, “no need for shyness now, kitten.” 

His words were charming and comforting, which gave you just that little boost of confidence that you had needed. You opened your legs again.

This time, a newfound hunger engulfed Jaehyun at the sight of your glistening core.  

He was quick to abandon his initial plan, lowering himself between your legs before burying himself into your thighs. Like a parched lion, his tongue was quick to lap up your juices. 

“Fuck, you taste so good,” he mumbled against your core, the vibration created a new sensation and drew out a soft mewl from you.

His tongue moved skillfully, each motion methodical and purposeful. He alternated between licking up and down your wet heat and swirling his tongue around your swollen clit. Either way, your head was dizzy with arousal. Your hips grinded against his face, searching for another release. Explicit words mixed with his name and your pleas carelessly tumbled out of your lips. Try as you might, you could barely contain your voice.

You hadn’t noticed it, but in the midst of your pleasure, Jaehyun had managed to push a singular finger into your core. His initial finger worked slower than his mouth, it’s only when a second finger thrusted into you that you felt him. The new sensation added to the maddening haze.

“I’m gonna cum,” you whined, your body stiffening in anticipation. 

“Cum,” his command was firm, “cum for me, my pretty little slut.” 

The release was instantaneous, arousal flooded your system and your entire body quaked with pleasure. You almost saw white with that release. Your body heaved with a singular motion, crashing down into the bed. But Jaehyun didn’t let you rest; he was quick to replace his fingers with the vibrating dildo that he had chosen previously. A gasp escaped your lips, feeling yourself stretch around the foreign object. He turned it out and began pumping it into you. He ignored your pleas, revelling in the dishevelled sight of you. Office drone turned into a moaning mess. A twisted pleasure coursed through your body, a tinge of pain from sensitivity mixed with the dildo drilling into your g-spot. You begged him to stop, he didn’t. Your body buckled under the overstimulation; you were sure you were going to die if he didn’t stop. 

You caught a glimpse of his wicked smirk, taking pride in his work. 

Then, you fell from the cusp of your pleasure. A stream of clear liquid squirted from between your legs and onto Jaehyun’s face. Your eyes widened when you came to it, the first time that you had ever squirted. The pink flush on your cheeks reddened with more embarrassment. But before you had the time to apologise and explain that you didn’t intend on squirting all over him, he spoke first.

“Look at you, squirting all over me,” Jaehyun said, discarding the dildo, “I barely did anything, you know.” 

His velvety voice sent shivers down your spine. Your humiliation grew under the weight of his words, and the truth of the situation. He was a stranger that you’ve barely met, and here you were cumming so easily at his every touch. His eyes, filled with great desire, burned into yours, and that thrill you felt under his gaze only further cemented the truth. You were acting like a complete slut for him. 

You watched as he removed his jeans, then boxers. The sight of his member had your mouth salivating over it. You didn’t know you were such a slut. You could feel the growing heat between your legs as your mind conjured up images of his dick drilling into you. A foreign desire to just let him devour you arose. A strange impatience took over your mind whilst watching him slip on a condom. 

“Why?” he crawled back on the bed, hovering over your body, “Like what you see?” 

He didn’t wait for your reply, instead choosing to immediately thrust into you. A loud gasp escaped your throat. He felt bigger than you’d imagined. You were sure that he would split your body in half if he was any bigger and was grateful that he gave you a moment to adjust to his size. 

“Fuck, you’re so tight,” he growled. He adjusted himself, with one hand holding on to the bedframe for balance, and the other rested around your neck. 

“Stop giving me such erotic looks, whore,” a twisted grin spread across his handsome face, “it only makes me want to mess you up even more.” 

His hips moved with practiced ease, each thrust deep and impactful and drew out loud gasps from you. He started rocking his hips quicker and sloppier, his hand tightening along the sides of your neck. You’ve never been choked before, but that new stimulation drove you crazy. The slight almost-drunk dizziness from the asphyxiation only intensified every one of Jaehyun’s thrust. 

“Oh?” he panted out with amusement, “You like getting choked, don’t you?”

He watched as your eyes rolled back and how your face scrunched with pleasure under his touch. The constant stream of melody that was your voice devolved from words and pleas into incoherent mewls and moans. 

“You’re squeezing me so tight. Expected nothing less from my favourite slut.”

His hips moved with increasing impatience, as the both of you chased the highs of an orgasm. His grip on your neck only tightened, drawing small crescents into your skin. He grunted and groaned with less of the control he seemed to have. 

“You look so fucking beautiful,” he said and you doubted, with what little sanity remained within you. 

Your hair was completely messed up, from your constant squirming. The baby hair along your hairline had been stuck on your face with your sweat. You’re pretty certain your make-up - just a touch of eyeliner and nude lipstick - had all been smudged by sweat and tears. If anything, you’re sure you looked like a messed-up whore. 

Still, Jaehyun leaned down and connected your lips with fervour. His warm tongue darted quickly between your lips and danced with yours, sucking and twirling your tongue. His thrusts didn’t slow down, and instead continuously rammed into your sweet little spot. 

At this moment, you were completely intoxicated by his touches. He studied you well though, knowing that you were on the edge of your orgasm. 

“Aw, are you about to cum?” he said with mocking sympathy, “You’re gonna cum on a stranger’s dick?”

You felt your ears turn red at his questions. The shame and guilt all twisting into a strange pleasure. You weren’t used to this, but you craved it more. 

“I’ll allow it,” he said, “you look so pretty cumming. Cum for me, slut.” 

There’s a disconnect between his words, a sort-of whiplash. One moment he called you pretty, another he was completely condescending. And yet, you liked it. You liked being his little slut. You liked looking pretty for him. And most of all, you liked obeying him. 

That desire to obey, however, fell short of Jaehyun’s expectations. A twisted anger filling his eyes as his hand punished your neck with an even tighter grip - you were barely gasping for air at this point. 

“I said, cum for me,” he growled before spitting in your face. 

The warm spit against your cheek swirled with the hypnotising haze of being choked and gave you the push you need to slip into a mindblowing orgasm. Your entire body spasmed in pleasure as desperate moans left your lips. Your toes curled tight, and your fingers scratched the bedpost. The orgasm lasted a solid a few seconds, but the waves of oxytocin still washed over you as you basked in the afterglow, serving as minor orgasms. 

But Jaehyun wasn’t a man of patience, especially not when you laid under him, completely writhing with pleasure with a look of complete daze. Your still-spasming core squeezed his dick tight and coupled with a few sloppy thrusts were enough to send him into an orgasm as well. 

He moaned and stiffened, his orgasm translated into deep and impactful thrusts as he rode out his orgasm. Your body was at a complete subservience to his orgasm, with Jaehyun not caring about your verbal protests from the overstimulation nor the way your hips and legs were shaking.

It took him a few moments, before he came crashing down on the bed next to you panting. The lust-driven demon seemed to disappear at an instance as a sweet smile replaced his previous smirk. 

“Satisfied?” 

You nodded shyly. He helped you out of the makeshift knot, finally freeing you. Your wrists were left with red marks, to which he apologised with a dimpled smile. 

“It’s fine,” you assured him, “I… liked it.” 

After all, your wrists would be evidence of this experience. 

Later on, he was quick to attend to your every need - bringing you water, tissues to clean up, and a fresh set of bathrobes - and insisted that you sleep in the room, at least until the sun was up, promising to not touch you unless you wanted him to. You almost let yourself be deluded into thinking that this was anything but professionalism from a staff of Hotel Paradise.

In the morning, before you left for home, Jaehyun parted with words that would haunt you for the week to come. 

“I hope to see you again. I really do.” 

[mariacallous]

Earlier this week, after warping across the galaxy for 90 hours in a sentient spacecraft, Twitch streamer John Wissmiller realized that Concord was the best first-person shooter he’d played in a decade.

“The gunplay was crunchy, the movement was smooth, and the progression felt rewarding,” he says. “I was even more enthralled by the world the developers had created when I looked into the lore.”

He wasn’t alone. “One of the biggest perks about the game was the absence of toxicity within the player community,” says Kelle Dees, a content creator at KDeesGamez. “Everything about the game was positive and inclusive.”

On Wednesday, less than two weeks after the game’s August 23 launch, Sony announced it was taking Concord offline and offering full refunds to anyone who had purchased it on PlayStation 5 or PC. “While many qualities of the experience resonated with players, we also recognize that other aspects of the game and our initial launch didn’t land the way we’d intended,” wrote Ryan Ellis, Concord’s director at Firewalk Studios, a division of Sony Interactive Entertainment.

“I was completely devastated,” Wissmiller says. “We’ve never seen a first-party title from Sony get this kind of treatment.”

In fact, we’ve never seen any AAA video game get this kind of treatment—and that’s what could make Concord a horrifying canary in the coal mine for gamers and game workers alike.

“It’s unprecedented for a game of this scale to be shut down so quickly,” says Liam Deane, a video game analyst at Omdia. “Usually publishers keep games that struggle at launch on life support for a while, but in Concord’s case the launch was so bad there was clearly no way back.”

Like Fortnite, Destiny 2, and Valorant, Concord was meant to be a live-service game that constantly released new updates over the course of several years. But while those other games are free to play—and rely on microtransactions to make money—Concord cost $40 up front. “It's just very difficult to break into competitive multiplayer games [and] displace the existing top titles,” says Simon Carless, an industry analyst who publishes the GameDiscoverCo newsletter. “These are the kind of titles that players socialize with their friends in, and they're often not motivated to switch games.”

Sony hasn’t revealed how many copies of Concord sold between August 23 and September 3, but the number of active PC players on the Steam platform peaked at just 697 on launch day. That’s abysmally low for a major release that spent eight years in development; Sony’s previous live-service game, Helldivers 2, had over 155,000 players on its first day, back in February, and later peaked at 458,709.

Helldivers 2, though, was a breakout hit that already had an established fanbase. Concord, on the other hand, was a brand-new franchise that didn’t get much of a marketing push and drew the ire of “anti-woke” snivelers who complained about the game’s use of pronouns on its character selection screen.

“For big companies, it's difficult to work out what bets—and how large bets—you should make,” says Carless. “Some of the corporate overexuberance during Covid and low interest rates has meant that large companies overextended, and the pullback has been—and is going to be—painful.”

Over the past 20 years, the brutal blockbuster-or-bust mentality of Silicon Valley startups has spread to executives across the entertainment industry. Movies with $100 million production budgets are considered dead on arrival after a bad opening weekend and are quickly ripped from theaters. TV series are canceled after failing to meet undisclosed performance metrics in their first seasons.

Now, the quick death of Concord, which officially went offline today, points to a similar mindset in the video game industry that could kill creativity, reduce jobs, and shutter entire studios.

“If you have a stable parent company with a balanced set of single-player and [live-service] releases, you should be in decent shape,” says Carless. But “the middle of the market is disintegrating. The games industry is deprofessionalizing in many ways; games as a stable profession will be tricky for many people in high-GDP countries.”

If studio C-suites keep cutting all the buds that don’t instantly blossom, the golden age of gaming of the 2020s—a mix of AAA blockbusters like Elden Ring, The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, and Baldur’s Gate 3, alongside smaller-budget gems like Tunic, Chants of Sennar, and the reimagining of 1997’s Riven—could already be over.

“I think innovation is more likely to come from smaller companies with lower budgets that are happier to take risks,” says Piers Harding-Rolls, who leads the games research team at Ampere Analysis. “This has really been true for many years, but the current commercial environment makes that truer than ever.” Still, even the future of indies is uncertain and may be somewhat dependent on funding efforts like Innersloth’s Outersloth initiative.

Concord may have gotten off to a slow start with gamers (most of whom hadn’t heard of it yet) and critics (who didn’t love the initial character designs), but the same could be said of Elder Scrolls Online, which has since made more than $2 billion, or the Destiny franchise, which celebrates its 10-year anniversary this year, or No Man’s Sky, which has become a cult classic.

If those games were released now, would they survive longer than Concord did—longer than the lifespan of a honeybee? The answer lies with the most ruthless beekeepers in the industry, and all they care about is the honey.

[philleegirl]

For basically a full 24 hours I have been thinking about a post that talked about erasing Ace characters by saying they are focusing on other things in their life/story. I was slapped in the face. You see the thing is this was me and my thought process about myself for most of my life.

When I was in High School, I had a boyfriend I adored but whenever he wanted to go further I just felt I was too young. He never pushed, because he was a wonderful man and there were some other issues that made it safer not to. I loved cuddling with him, but just thought I wasn't ready.

In college, my family imploded due to the unexpected death of my dad, so I put all my focus on studying and keeping my family together. I broke up with the above boyfriend because he was talking about marriage and it freaked me out as I needed to "focus."

First job out of college, I had to focus on learning it and being good at it and getting promotions. I learned that good, deep, meaningful friendships were enough. Then one of those friends started giving me little kisses, which I enjoyed. Then he tried to put his hand up my skirt, which I didn't enjoyed. This happened two more times in my 20s and I was more prepared and went further. Both times I was confused as to why this really natural progression felt like assault. Both times I decided that it just wasn't "the right time or the right person or I wasn't right (too chubby to be/feel sexy)."

In my early 30s I was laid off and had the amazing opportunity to get my Master's for free! I had limited savings, but wanted to just focus on school. I took the max numbers of courses I could and TA'd for 2 department chairs and the Chancellor. No time for relationships, but again fell into deep, meaningful, almost romantic friendships. One of these friendships morphed and I thought, "Oh, it didn't work with men cause I am gay." Until I was laying on her bed being showered with attention and thinking about how much better the hike we took holding hands was than what was happening. Decided I was just too worried about money and finding a job to have a relationship.

Mid 30s, I was working on moving half a country away. Not a time to start a relationship.

Late 30s, had to learn the ins and outs of my new job and my new state. Not a time to start a relationship.

Early 40s, I am laying on a friend's bed talking. Our elderly parents are in the living room talking. We realise that for the last two years we have been in a pseudo relationship and it is the most stable relationship of either of our lives. We laughed. She said it was a shame we weren't lesbians. I laughed and explained asexuality and biromantic (I had finally figured myself out). She made a humming noise.

For nearly three years now, we have prioritised our Queer Platonic/Demiromantic Relationship. We are long distance but even during COVID made sure we spent time together at least every other month. We talk everyday and are completely honest with each other.

Nothing has changed in our outside lives. In fact our ageing parents make it harder. But suddenly when you know who you are and what you want and need, it becomes possible.

So, yeah, don't erase Ace characters. But don't erase yourself either if you keep thinking it is about one goal or focus.

[batfambitches]

Timothy Jackson Drake Wayne; Red Robin:

Age: 20 (default, flexible)

Alias: Red Robin

Headcanons

Tim is Autistic

Timothy Jackson Drake was born to Jack and Janet Drake, both come from old money but well Jack was born and raised in Gotham Janet was not. When he was younger his parents were around more, and they brought him traveling with them. Once he started school they started leaving him at home, he had a nanny at first when he was younger but by the time he was 8 he had skipped 2 grades in school and they decided he didn't need a dedicated nanny. He spent his weeks boarding at school after all.

They had a driver employed for the trips to and from school on Mondays, Fridays and for holidays, a chef who came to make meals for him on the weekends and hired security on the premises even when he wasn't there. He didn't have a dedicated care taker anymore though, and it was rare that he was at home at the same time as his parents.

The last thing that he remembered doing with them as a family was going to Haly's Circus, he was so excited to see it with them after going by himself his driver was with him, but he's pretty sure he only went in with him out of pity the day before during their first show during their stop in Gotham. He didn't expect what happened with the Grayson's any more than the rest of the audience, and it eventually led him to a life he couldn't have imagined.

After that he spent most of his free time, which was a lot with absent parents and being younger than all his classmates, doing school work and obsessing over Batman and later his new prodigy. He put together pieces and figured things out, until he heard one day that Robin had been killed by The Joker. He had a pit in his stomach at that, because he knew what that meant even if others didn't. The Joker had killed Bruce Wayne's son Jason Todd.

When Batman started going off the deep end he went to find Nightwing and talk to him first, when he dismissed him he showed up at Dick's job and told him "I told you why I'm here last night." to which he was guided out to the mans car by his shoulder with an excuse of 'bringing the kid home.' From there he eventually became Robin officially a few weeks before his 13th birthday, trying his best to live up to the title but feeling like he never would. Eventually he became a part of the Teen Titans along with a few other hero friends, traveling back and forth from Titan Tower and Gotham as he was needed.

In December after his 13th birthday he was kicked out of school for missing to much time, because he had so much other stuff to do Tim came to an agreement with Bruce. He would continue to study and learn what he would be in school independently, and when he turned 16 he would take the GED test and apply for online courses for college. The reason his parents weren't notified? Bruce offered to his parents to keep an eye on him and that basically became them letting him become his temporary legal guardian.

After Damian showed up and was made Robin he felt defeated and replaceable, the taunting that he liked to do didn't help the now 14 year olds complex. Despite the fact he wasn't Batman's Robin anymore? He still went out and rebranded himself as Red Robin and working alone, the first time the other's tried to work with him after this he ignored them before explaining the next day why. They had pushed him to the side like he didn't matter, and even if they didn't mean to? He needed time after that.

He was the first one to figure out that Bruce was alive and trapped in time after he was declared dead only 6 months after Damian had come to live with him. In Bruce's absence he kept his word and took the GED test a year and a half before he was originally planning on, getting lawyers involved to allow him to do so to get it out of the way and he could focus on other things. During this time he became doing what he could to keep Wayne Enterprise running smoothly well Bruce was gone, also joining an online college and taking classes for both a business and finance degree.

Once Bruce had returned Tim stepped back at Wayne enterprise, still stepping in when Bruce needed help because he was busy with Batman things. He was only a few months into his college classes when Bruce came back and now with more time to take electives, he added a few photography classes to his roster. He finished his business and finance degrees by the time he was 18, but he kept signing up for different creative classes such as photography, design, digital editing and so on as he wanted until eventually he inadvertently had enough credits for an arts degree at 19.

His parents by now are no better then when he was younger, he saw them maybe once a year and they barley knew what he was up to unless they saw an article about him. When he turned 18 he went to Bruce with a whole power point style argument about why he should officially adopt him now that his parents couldn't argue against it, he didn't need it though and Bruce interrupted on slide 2. He told him that if he wanted to finish his presentation he could, but he didn't need to convince him and if that's what he wanted he could officially adopt him.

[lyraeon]

at 20 I thought I was faking my depression and was "bad at life" and lazy like my family said. I still earnestly believed I was entirely straight and everyone knew girls are just nicer to look at. I still had a ton of ingrained racism and other bigotry from my Bush-worshipping family. My main dream of being an astronaut had been smashed by my anxiety and health problems, so I was trying to study Japanese because like every other weeb I thought I'd fit in better over there (lol), but I'd already flunked out of one college and been forced to quit another to get a second job. I was overdrawn constantly and often buying gas station gift cards at the grocery store so I'd only take one overdraft fee. I was dating someone horribly controlling who eventually earned the title "evil ex", dialed up my eating disorder, and traumatized me out of writing for 2+ years. I had several roommates because we all considered having the funds to go to anime conventions more important than personal space (and because back then we already thought $600/month was expensive). I spent any other free time half asleep at a friend's house cuz there I could play games and watch Intent videos. Half my meals came free from work, the rest were hacked together from stuff that worked out to $1/serving or so. The power or internet got turned off at least twice a year from non-payment.

at 25 I thought I was too depressed to deserve burdening others with my presence or existence. that I was a burden and purposeful downer and nothing would ever get better. I was still dealing with a ton of internalized transphobia, racism, and other bigotry that I had been taught was Just The Truth and still occasionally fall into. I was massively straight edge against weed and anything else (threatened to call cops on close friends) while also being a half bottle of vodka a day alcoholic just to get my brain to shut up enough to let me write or sleep. I didn't know how to have fun without alcohol, if at all. I had lost my ability to draw when I severely injured my wrist while i had no insurance. I tried going back to school, first for architecture then teaching, and flunked/dropped out of both. I was losing jobs every 6~8 months from being chronically late and being sick constantly. I manged to lose one on my birthday and wound up having to make some other tough choices because of it. I had only just reached the point where being overdrawn was a rare thing and I wasn't buying single gallons of gas with tip money. food was still often just ramen but I no longer had days where I didn't know if I'd get to eat, though I was often dependent on my then-bf. I had multiple teeth rotting and couldn't afford any treatment besides getting them pulled, and often not until they'd become infected.

by 30 I was finally on antidepressants and in therapy. I was on the road to physical therapy for shoulder and wrist injuries that had happened years earlier. I was pretty happy in my relationship. I held down one job for almost 3 years straight after getting medicated, then turned around and flunked/dropped out of college for the 5th time (Physics this time) because I was too anxious to take public transit reliably and STILL couldn't do homework anywhere but in class, so most projects never got done. I'd stopped being able to write (and am still running from the possibility my meds Took That from me because it doesn't come back if I stop them). Food had become a different struggle - I no longer had time, physical health, or executive function to cook reliably so I was spending too much on take out and causing wild fluctuations in my weight. I was hiding my eating disorder from my partner and my friends. I had begrudgingly un-estranged myself from my family to support younger cousins as they came out as queer. I had developed a healthier relationship with alcohol. I had accepted that, outside of addiction, drugs are a bodily autonomy thing and stopped being an ass to people about them. I had finally learned some damn etiquette around things like not accidentally outing people. I started streaming and making videos - stuff I had dreamed of since first watching Dead Fantasy and Red vs Blue and Weeblstuff in high school but had thought impossible after I lost the ability to draw.

I'm currently 35. This year I am living on my own for the first time (aside from 5 failed months at 18). I got divorced - a complicated, regretful process that was ultimately for the best but I could and should have handled better (and sooner). I've been in physical therapy long enough that I'm able to use chopsticks properly again and am thinking of trying to relearn drawing. It's also meant I can do the dishes and wash my hair on my own again, most days, so I'm relearning how to cook consistently. I'm reading (listening to) books again. I'm on year 8 of antidepressants and currently working with my doctor to fine tune what I'm on (and finally have a system to take them consistently). I've been diagnosed with ADHD and figured out I might also be autistic, and a lot of things in my life make way more sense when viewed through that context. I have appointments to get evaluated for ADHD meds, autism, shoulder surgery/other "PT isn't enough" treatments, teeth implants, and new glasses. my clothes have been put away 3 of the last 5 times I did laundry and I've learned that if I only own one dishwasher worth of dishes, the sink can't pile up. I've fully embraced that I'm polyamorous, pansexual, and demiromantic, and that I can be cis while also being "gender agnostic" - none of it really matters or processes to me, but I get that it does to others so I respect it. I'm seeing someone who makes me feel like I can do anything, is inspiringly ambitious themself, and is equally polyam, meaning I might also be asking out a cute girl soon and don't know where board game nights with the nice throuple I met might go. I'm having to do odd jobs and accept help from my dad to make ends meet, but I'm arguably a full time content creator now - something I literally didn't even let myself dream about when I was younger because it felt impossible, but which is fully worth the complications and budget crunching because it's so accommodating to my disabilities and uses so many of my talents. I'm still depressed, but I have hope that ADHD treatment will help cut through the remainder. Most days I just have hope, period. And more days than not, I'm genuinely happy for at least a while.

You'll find yourself.

It might take a while. There will be detours, mistakes, pain, tough choices, and a lot of hard work. But there will also be unexpected joys and more possibilities than you ever imagined.

Someday, you'll find yourself.

And when you do, it will be worth the wait, I promise.

[awakened-human-design]

I WAS A MILLENIAL ON A SPIRITUAL QUEST

How would you like to get started on learning Human Design?

????? what the heck is that ??????

My Story

In December 2017, I was on a call with one of my teachers from the group Trillium Awakening. They asked me for my birthday, time and place of birth, and sent me my Human Design body graph. They talked about how I was a projector, and they were too, how it was a rare type, and that I had a lot of open centers, meaning, I was really open to conditioning from the outside world.

They suggested I check it out and some of its free resources. A small tool too accelerate my spiritual process. Which, by the way, could take up to 7 years.

I *WAS* A 20?Something ON A SPIRITUAL QUEST: 

THE VICTIM STORY

Yikes! This is cool, but heck if I had the time or money for more of that!

I hardly had enough money to pay for our weekly group calls in a women’s circle - that put a price beyond compare - but stretched me, even at the discounted rate they offered.

No one in my family had put money into spiritual or personal development work, while I was knee-deep in the stuff. To be honest, I didn’t really feel like I had a choice.

Doing work on spiritual development was a choice between “This stuff is so expensive. If I do this I won’t have any money and I will die” and “This stuff is absolutely what I need at this point in my life and that the world needs to evolve so if I don’t do this…I will also die.”

So? It was, as one of my teacher’s Marc Gafni would call, an erotic double-bind.

I made the choice to go knee-deep in work towards spiritual evolution.

I left the teaching world and I worked in the “gig economy.”

My resume had 5 different education companies.

I worked between 1-40 hours a week, and spent half of it driving.

For months at a time I did what I loved - working with kids - and had no “boss” to call me to the office.

Sounds good, right?

Finally free from educational institutions, I saw how life really worked in people’s homes. I saw the truth of District public and charter schools, and, no matter where I went, I taught kids in the way that felt good to me.

Of course, not everything ended well, and some parents and classroom teachers asked me to *get out* on the first day! But…the recognition of my abilities as a teacher *direct* and *instantaneous.* The progress of the children showed in their creativity.

Let’s get real though about this so-called “gig economy” that promised millennials freedom. No boss meant no W-2. No health insurance. No retirement plan. No coffee breaks. No co-workers.

The road was lonely.

Between driving to tutor or babysit kids at their home, substitute teach at a random school in Maryland, or attend a retreat in New Jersey, I started to feel less like a teacher and more like a truck driver. I took up bad habits that I never imagined as a yogi. I ate protein bars with more sugar than a Snickers and smoked the more the occasional American Spirit that even listening to Adi Da podcasts could not save me from.

I felt sad - but who else could see me but myself?

Some of my friends from my “previous life” no longer spoke to me. I felt ashamed I had left the active lifestyle I once had of biking, walking and yoga, but I knew I could not afford it. I paid for retreats by offering to cook batch meals for the sangha.

I lived in a basement apartment in a house owned by an electronic musician that hosted bands from all over the country. My next door neighbor was an indie musician as well with a great wardrobe and occasional clothing swaps with her New Zealand friends. My closest friend made her own jewelry and tye-die. Two blocks away from the thrift store! So… Major perk - getting to listen to and play music on the reg. and get free, cute clothes. Major downside - working all the time with hardly enough cash to pay the rent to show for my good deeds, and sometimes looking “woke up like this” and other time looking like I hadn’t changed out of my pajamas.

OKAY…SO WHAT IS THIS HUMAN DESIGN STUFF AND HOW DID YOU LEARN IT

Okay, cool. So back to the start of the story. My teacher gave me a tool and I don’t think I looked at it for two years.

But then …. the covid, the lockdowns, the confinement , and suddenly we all had no where to go, everywhere to be (on Zoom) and time, too much of it.

How was I ever going to ‘be’ someBODY?

I won’t go into the depth of “the lockdown” story because at this point, we all have one.

But lockdown story did not produce the kind of “free time” that one might really hope for, unless, of course, you enjoy “free time” like a character from a Albert Camus novel.

Coincidantalment**, I spent the entire time of “confinement” in two foreign

No exit. Like - am I ever going to get out of this? Am I ever going to escape this like square box my form is trapped inside of, speaking to people in a language no one understands?

Okay. I am going to revisit this Human Design stuff. I am going to learn a language that describes the programming of the human body.

No, this isn’t some weird genetic altering stuff. Au, the contrarie!

A system of empowerment that came along at the right time.

When we are, as David A Temple puts it posed between utopia and dystopia. We are getting the call to know ourselves - NOW - in a progressively globalizing and demanding world. And not just globalizing in terms of “oh maybe this bag of chips I’m eating right now came from a Uyghur death camp and perhaps its made of sawdust.” Okay…maybe that too…but really…Globalizing in terms of the planet - the “PLAN-(N)ET” - has a plan to catch us and we best follow her word…or…else.

TO POPPY-SEED QUEEN CURING HER ADDICTIONS: A HEROINE’S JOURNEY

So I spent…every day of French class, every morning, looking at the transits (both astro and HD), recording my dreams, reading my graph, reading the Cross of the day, the Gate, drawing the iChing…taking a university-levelcourse on iChing…ok…maybe there was some magic involved…and many sleepless nights…and…yes…going down to the depths of the bottom of the bottom…the rabbit hole…the worm hole…the brain hole…you name it…its the the “dark night of the soul “ and there ain’t no batman to help you sidekick robin so you better be the hero of your own story and save the day.

I can tell you. I’ve been there. There’s no going back. 

…..*di di di di*** the song of “why do I like Human Design so much” ***do do do do**….

1- TRANSPARENT AND EASY AS F**** TO LEARN

I like Human Design because it is a very transparent system. If you’ve gotten a reading in astrology or tarot, the “method” or “magic” is usually a little hidden from the person receiving the reading. This is more “Teach yourself your Self” and a reader is more like a guide.

Like a contractor explaining the blueprint of a house from the day it was built. You might not of had the tools to build the house - but you get it. The plan is clear.

It’s not like Enneagram or Myers-Briggs where you take a quiz and find out a type, only to have it change again half-way through your life. Those tools of human development are well and good (but are subjective), and you should use those too. But that’s not what this is.

This system starts with the objective.

And then you have to test it out.

2 - the 100% USE FOR 100%…KIDS

This system, for as weird as the origin story may appear, was built by a teacher. It was built for children and the generations to come.

Anyone who has ever been a teacher (*and hopefully left the profession because they KNOW how the conditioning is happening) for kids under 7 can SEE how easily children and manipulated and cohereced into a “not-Self” program.

They are literally “programmed” to not-love themselves! The sh*t people are paying beaucoup bucks for to *fix* them later in life!

So let’s cut that s-t out before it beings. Let’s raise a generation of kids who don’t need to go to therapy when they grow up to un-do all the trauma that came from their conditioning.

And for you - “grown up” let’s help you re-parent your inner child.

(People always told me I needed to do that. I had no idea how, or the privilege, I felt, to do it.)

Let’s help you learn to “be alone” with your “Self” as you already are - whole.

3 - IS THIS A RELIgION?

Okay, let’s talk religion - if you grew up Christian (like “me” yay****) confirmed in the Christian church…yadda yadda…you probably have SOME trauma from that stuff. Don’t really care if you go to church every Sunday, are a flat-out atheist or extreme right..some body has GOT to say it…

Everything you have been brought up believe is not the meaning of the Christ.

With a little toe-dipping into esoteric Christianity…

The current image of “Jesus on the Cross” is no more than a sacrificial lamb that has you totally tricked into thinking you need to “die” (to the empire) in order to be “saved.”

No. You are a unique balance of light and dark. Although these do move in the 4 directions, they do not always look like a perfect “cross.” More on that later. 

BUT The beauty of it …is also that THERE IS a cross. And you can understand it. And you can be and become your own Christ. 

Your own Savior. And take back the power into your own life.

I don’t care if you can name me every book of gospel or if you tell me that Jesus was a historical figure or in fact never lived and is a myth in our imagination. Or if Jesus is coming back down from the heavens tomorrow so repent your sinners or oh shit maybe the world really *IS* on fire and maybe the highest court in the land (the UN) and now has “Inner Development Goals” and realizing that maybe infrastructure is not just made of things. It’s made of people. Who hurt. Who feel. Who laugh. Who cry. And is telling people that maybe they should consider working on themselves. 

In other words: It’s not just the third world world that needs supported. 

I’m not even sure if this has everything or nothing to do with a guy named Zeus with a big white beard who lives in the sky (although, I have had a couple teachers with big white beards that could compete quite fairly with Grandaddy Marx see “The Stoa” for reference)…but I do know this has everything to do with YOU and your unfolding FATE and DESTINY to live a radical life among the stars.

 Yeah…there. I said it. 

I’m prothetlytizing on the sidewalk sweeties and its time to convert.

Burn me for it. It’s okay. 

Joan was a 5/1. She dressed up as a boy.

They canonized her has a saint. 

Let’s see what the rest of us can do. 

OKAY….NOW I’M THE BAD GUY BECAUSE…

This knowledge is not free. So I do charge.

It’s an Interior Science. No one will do it for you.

It takes time. You have to test it out for yourself.

Let me ask you this: If you didn’t have a story before…do you have one now?

Try Human Design. 

My Design - A Poem

I’m a Savior, but not a Saint.

But the crisis is urgent. And the task is real.

There’s a Devil in command, and I’ve trained him to be quiet.

Wearing masks, playing charades, yet we know it’s all a game. 

Yes, it’s all an illusion of MAIA. She’s the goddess. The veil of illusion.

She’s written these words and she’s ended my confusion. 

Her values will break you apart and make you whole again.

Come home, and be your Self. No one else will do it for you. 

————-

 ~*~ b3 @uTh3nTiC ~*~

**Spell check (?) You can send me a French dictionary later

***HD uses Kabbalah, iChing, Western Astrology, and the Chakra system.  

**** For the Americans out there, Labour Day in the rest of the world is May 1st

[rossithepixie]

Okay under the cut is gonna be me doing some reflecting on how i’m 4 days away from my 1 year anniversary of finally escaping my abusive ex and how i’m having some feelings right now

As i said above it’s gonna be year since i got away from my ex. Which would have been impossible without outside help because i’m on disability and have limited income because of it. It had only been harder because my ex had an iron grip on my already limited finances while i lived with her since if i even tried to take back the smallest amount of financial control she’d make an already bad situation 100x worse.

It hadn’t started that way of course, stuff like that never does. But the while situation was compounded by the fact that we’d started long distance and i’d moved across the country for her. We’d rushed in all honesty because i wanted to get away from my drunk father and finally be free to come out of closet in safety. I unfortunately couldn’t have known it was going to be an out of the frying pan and into the fire situation.

I didn’t know that everything was going to be so bad and that in my search for independence and love that everything was going to go straight to hell. And don’t be mistaken, i did love her and that was part of why it took so long to admit i was being abused financially, emotionally and mentally. And this doesn’t begin to tell anyone just how bad it was. Because by end of it i felt like shell of who i used to be.

And i struggle greatly with feeling like my mid to late 20’s were wasted. Time spent being isolated by her from other people through multiple ways. Those 4 years i saw very few things and made almost no connections to anyone else. I was in a new state where I didn’t know anyone else with no money to use to go out to help me meet anyone else. I was rarely able to get new clothes because of her financial control and if i wanted clean clothes i often had to handwash mine because we didn’t have a washer or dryer and she very much prioritized buying herself clothes as well as hers getting first dibs on being washed. I had clothes that ended up unsalvageable from sitting at the bottom of a laundry basket so long. (Her clothes took up two fullsize dressers and majority of the closet)

I certainly didn’t feel comfortable meeting new people like that with clothes that were old and only as clean as i could get them by hand. And i hated going out if i did go because i’d be like that standing next to her in full new outfits and her hair and nails done. It felt humiliating. I will never forget when someone looked at us together and gave me a dirty look and expressed how she couldn’t believe someone as pretty as her was with someone like me. She didn’t defend me either. The woman who’d insulted me then began to hit on her.

And this is just a tiny tiny fraction of the things that happened while i was out there.

Getting away was hell. I’d tried at one point when my therapist finally got me to a point where i could admit i was being abused because admitting that meant accepting how bad things had gotten. I also had to wait until i could do in person therapy again because she would eaves drop on me and if she wasn’t home our other roommate who was her best friend would eavesdrop for her and tell her what i’d said in therapy and private calls.

Even once i could admit and knew i needed out it would take a full year before i could escape since when i’d reached out to my bio dad who had both the money to help and the space for me he refused to help unless i got rid of my cat who’s my ESA. My cat was my one thread of sanity through it all. And though i had a breakdown, i stayed.

It wasn’t until i told an old friend what was going on and they got a good job was i able to leave. Even once plans were set I couldn’t relax until i was actually out. Even the 2 hour bus ride to the airport I couldn’t relax, walking through a 100 degree city with a cat carrier and as many possessions as i could pack into two bags i couldn’t relax. Not because i thought my ex would come after me but because so much had been ground out of me over the course of 4 years that i didn’t dare hope i could actually be free. It actually took several weeks of being in my new apartment with my friend for it to start sinking in that i would be okay. I cried over clean laundry, i cried over being able to buy things i needed without the worry that would id be told no, i cried over being able to eat without getting yelled at. I had to relearn how to give my body rest when it needed it and that no one was gonna yell at me if I didn’t immediately take care of something. And this is all among so many other things.

With how terrible her “love” was i still struggle with the idea of being lovable for someone. I wonder if i’ll ever be truly wanted and loved in the way i’d like to be. Because it’s hard to feel like you’re worth loving after being treated so badly for so long.

I don’t know where i’m going with this. I thought i’d be having happier emotions so close to my 1 year anniversary of getting away but instead i just feel hurt and sad.

[45dazedandconfused]

How to be homeless on a budget.....part one

Yep you read that right, being homeless doesn't mean you have no bills, you just don't have a home. So here's what I've learned over the last 8 months, how many more to go I have no idea. So I've decided to blog about my journey. It starts differently for everyone. Mine was a slow moving,  fast spiral that was out of control before I really knew what was happening. It started with me being an alcoholic. I had gotten two OVI's back to back and was in debt to the court to the point I don't think I will ever get it paid back. But believe it or not that was just the start. Those happened in 2020 I became homeless in 2022. So that's why I say fast and slow spiral. I didn't see what was happening until it was too late. I was so busy struggling to eat and pay my bills everyday I wasn't watching how the private landlords, city officials, and investors from all over the country were about to make my hometown, "A place to be desired". The fancy way of saying, if you are middle class, single, or poor we don't want you to live here. They started a war on the homeless camps. Kicking them out of the woods and tearing down any shelter they could have. This new change all  started with a complex the city said was going to bring so much revenue to our town it would bring us back to life. A lot of the landlords thought the same thing including mine, so she cancelled my lease and raised the rent $200. I got the notice and had to be out 2 weeks later. It was move or we could go to court. So I took the last months rent, got a storage and moved into my car with my dog 2 weeks after Thanksgiving. Thank God that was a mild winter. Then just a few weeks later I found a house that was a fixer upper and I could do the work for cheap rent so not such a bad stint of being homeless. It all had worked out. It was only 9 months later and I was back in the same situation, only this time I had no car, no money, a shitty job, and no friends. The reason I was losing my house you ask? That ridiculous complex that at this point wasn't finished because they ran out of money, brought no extra business to our local places, didn't employee as many people as promised, and only brought extra traffic, and headaches on Friday's during rush hour. I mean don't get me wrong people benefitted from it. You know city officials, construction and road crews, landlords who sold their homes for top dollar to private investors who then charged 4 times the average rent, or just turned them into an Air B&B and charged 10 times the average rent per bedroom. It was a serious mess, and I wasn't the only one affected. So many long time residents received eviction notices and were made to move out of homes that some of them had lived in over 20 years. I was already going through a seriously emotional time in my life. Dealing with all the healing of past and present trauma while being a new empty nester, and newly sober human. That notice threw me into a tailspin I still haven't recovered from. I spent the next couple months trying to work and save to be able to move. The problem was the world was also more expensive and being a single women I just didn't make enough to put anything back. Then a month into this new mess my car got reposed and that is when I had my meltdown. It was tragic, freeing, self destructive, and satisfying all at once. Oh. wait a little side note, my mother had also disowned me because I suck at being alive. That's a story for later though, back to my homeless journey.  I got a storage again, paid a fortune to get my car back, and quit my job. In that order. I can't tell you what was happening to me still. I know now that I was just spiraling and had no idea how to make a decision. I  just said fuck it, I don't care anymore. It's too fucking much for me to deal with. The guy I was dating was a complete ass, another story for later. My kids were pissed at me over him, I had no friends because sober people lose all their non sober friends almost instantly, the one kid that was talking to me is in prison and needs money from me, and I just had found out that I had a warrant for my arrest for not paying my fines. I just didn't give a fuck anymore and was ready to throw in the towel. I mean for the love of God I had just went 3 months with no utilities, bathing in rain water I had collected, and living by candlelight. Finally paid the bill only to realize my car wasn't paid, the only reason I could afford the lights, and then my car is taken. Get it back only to  find out I was going to be homeless again within less than a year. All of this on top of the traumas I had buried my entire life and kept deep inside with alcohol were coming at me, and I was struggling to heal in a sober healthy way already. The worst part about the Year 2022 is the things I'm writing about is a small portion of the actual shit show I was living. When I say hot mess express with so much trauma happening a monk would even have to scream, I am underplaying how bad my life was. I for the first time ever didn't care if I lived or died. I wasn't just drowning I was buried. With all this going on you would think that I went back to drinking and that is how I became homeless. Nope, I didn't give up. I became homeless because I had no money to save, and that is when I quit my job. I decided with so much conviction that I would no longer work long hours and not have a life to make other people rich, while I couldn't even afford to eat. So I said fuck you all I quit!! I still picked up work freelancing and working for myself. I saved and still at the end of the day, I couldn't find a place that  I could afford and  would accept animals. So once again out on the streets I went, this time with no car. I can say at first it wasn't horrible. I stayed with my boyfriend and things were ok. Then Christmas morning all hell broke loose and I was kicked out on the street. He eventually let me and my dog back in so we wouldn't freeze to death but man I went through hell for the following weeks and months. I couldn't work with no ride so I couldn't pay bills or pay off debts at all. I had borrowed from everyone and everything was getting past due fast including my storage. I did everything I could to stay above water. Right when I was ready to give up completely, asshole of the year kicked me out. So with no where to go I went to a persons house I barely knew and spent the night. That was the first step in the right direction. We stayed up all night talking and she agreed to sell me a car for nothing down and payments when I could make them. Looking back on that night I remember I didn't trust her, the situation, or any excitement I felt because in my 44 years I had learned something too good to be true almost always is. This was the first time I was wrong. A few days later I had her car and I finally was only partially homeless. The first thing I did was go to my storage to get my blankets and pillows so I could sleep in the car with my dog. God it was like Christmas morning when I cuddled my big comfy comforter around me. I cried a little at how good it felt. That night I felt comfort and security again, it was freezing but I had a space heater, extension cord, and my blankets. I was happy for a brief moment. I sat with my laptop and dog and started to make plans. You know I would like to say that the house I was plugged into was a nice strangers, or one of my good friends that was allergic to dogs, or someone in my family that just didn't have room for me inside. But none of that is true. The truth of the matter was I knew hundreds of people, and were related to even more than that. You can throw a  rock in any direction in my town and hit someone and there is a 77.89% chance I'm related to them, and a 99.78% chance I know them well enough to be able to sleep on their couch. Yet there were only a couple who even offered me a place to shower, or just use the bathroom. God forbid I ask to sleep over. So I was stuck in the now asshole, cheating boyfriends driveway using his electric. All while he was inside warm and not hungry, talking to other women telling them how beautiful they were, and how he would rescue them from their awful ungrateful men they were dating. To top that off he would come out to accuse me of cheating and talking to other guys while I sat freezing in my car trying to start a business on my laptop. I struggled on, and eventually started booking appointments. So back to my storage to get my tools for work. I almost collapsed when I seen the overlock tag on it. I swear I thought that was it for me. I was going to just become a fulltime committed homeless person. With dirty clothes and a backpack, taking better care of my dog than myself. I cried a lot. I begged them to let me get my tools. I called everyone I knew trying to borrow or buy on payments what I needed. I had one friend sell me a pretty expensive item on payments. I am still making them to her. Then finally I got a call from the storage and the owner let me in to get what I needed! I was so relieved and cried again. I think homeless makes you cry a lot, or maybe it was just me. I took my time organizing my new home.  I put my work things, clothing, bathroom, and cleaning supplies in my trunk, set up the backseat like a bedroom, and the passenger seat and floor board as the office and kitchen area. I slept in the house that night. It was nice but I remember wondering if I would ever be warm again. Laying there in the bed with the douche canoe I was still freezing. My hands clenched up not able to relax, but I kept reassuring myself that this too shall pass. The next morning I went to my first clients house and started my business. I felt so embarrassed and unsure about it. Pulling up in this beater with a broken heater, dog in the backseat, breakfast in the front. I knew I looked homeless and desperate and I felt the same way inside. To my surprise no one ever said a word and that was such a relief. I felt like shit, looked like shit, and was being treated like shit by a man all the time. I got off work and sat in my car driving from one place I could park to the next. Never being able to relax because I still hadn't been able to take care of that warrant for my fines. So I had no license or insurance and was afraid a cop would come to my window asking questions. I used to get so upset about that. I still can't wrap my head around taking someone to jail for not paying a fine. Obviously I can't afford it or I would pay it! Most laws are ridiculous, most laws make no sense, and most laws aren't needed. It's all about money and control. The police don't protect and serve like they are supposed to and the judges don't rule with the facts mixed with heart. They rule to make the city more money. Why the hell do I have to pay the state of Whatever $300 for not wearing a seatbelt! I am a grown ass women with my own mind. If I want to risk my fucking life leave me the fuck alone and let me. It's none your damned business what I am doing in my car or with my life! OH and my loud mother fucking muffler!! I sat in jail 5 hours over a fucking muffler I couldn't afford to fix!! Then paid to get my car out of the cop impound, paid the ticket of almost $300, and had to get a special more expensive insurance cause in the process of moving my insurance company had dropped me because of the fucking seatbelt ticket added with a speeding ticket. They all work together for the greater good right? Lmao I will never agree with the bullshit traffic laws, or the outrageous cost of being a licensed driver. It's fucking ridiculous and everyone knows it they just don’t say it. Anywho,  after doing this driving and parking driving and parking I would be able to come the males house late at night and take a shower, shit, and eat. Sometimes he even let me sleep inside all night, as long as I was a well behaved pet I could come inside. I was exhausted and at this point crying all the time. I was making money though and saving what I could. One night he kicked me out and I had  a full busy day the next day, I tried the driveway but he threatened to call the cops. I knew I would go to jail, my dog the pound, all my things and car be taken away, and I just wanted to sleep in a bed! A warm room of my own and take a fucking shower! A good long shower. So I paid way too much for a hotel room. God it was wonderful, so much so I spent every dime I had saved to stay there. I didn't pay my fines again. I didn't pay my car insurance, or my cellphone bill, or anything on the car. Not a dime went to eat, or car maintenance, gas no way! All I wanted was to sleep and recover. I cancelled appointments, I flaked out on everything and in the end I found myself begging him to help me out. Once again allowing a man to treat me in a way I would have never put up with before. My life before was so different. I had new cars, nice houses, season seats to the football stadium. Vacations when I wanted, friends blowing my phone up wanting to do one amazing thing after another. I stayed in mansions and met movie stars. I was on top of  the world, and then the world fell and all I had was a shitty car and my storage. But to me that was something to start with. I had to get out of this mess for myself, but also my kids, animals and most importantly my granddaughter. She needed to see mamaw come from the bottom and get it back like her dad, aunt, and uncle had witnessed before. She had to see a strong women that didn't give up and fought the fight until the bitter end. Soldier up little princess, the world is not easy and it's even worse if you are a women. Watch mamaw fight, you will never see her give up. If she fails, she will take the blood of her enemies with her! So the next morning I went to work and when I was done for the day, the man I had to beg for help, and only person that helped me, was in a good mood and I was allowed in the house a little earlier. That was when I knew I had to get focused and live like I did when I had household bills and responsibilities. So I sat down and did my budget. Holy Mary mother of Christ!! I couldn't believe how mother fucking expensive it was to be homeless!! I cried and I think my soul died a little. I seen no way out of this situation. Nothing, I was fucked in the ass with no lube and an abnormally large dick!! This was planet bullshit and I was living on the mother fucker. That's when the anger started. I was 5 months into this fucked up situation and there wasn't an ounce of hope in site. I wanted to just curl up and someone else figure this shit out, but there was no one else. It was me, I was the adult and I was supposed to know the answers. Who the fuck left me in charge of my life? Can't they see this isn't working out?

[hardynwa]

Pras Michel admits receiving $20 million from businessman who wanted picture with President Obama

Fugees star, Prakazrel "Pras Michel”, testified defense on Tuesday, April 18, that he received $20 million from Malaysian financier Jho Low to help him get a photo with former President Barack Obama. The rapper faces criminal conspiracy, foreign lobbying and campaign finance charges for allegedly plotting with Low to attempt to influence the administrations of Obama and former President Donald Trump. Before a jury in Washington, the Grammy winner said Low, who is now a fugitive accused of embezzling $4.5 billion from Malaysia's 1MDB sovereign wealth fund, did not direct him to make campaign donations with the money for the photo. “After consulting with my attorneys and the universe, I have decided to testify," Michel told the court Tuesday before answering questions from his defense team and prosecutors alike about the approximately $800,000 he said he paid to friends so they could donate to a political campaign. Prosecutors allege the Grammy-winning artist immersed himself in American politics at the behest of the wealthy Malaysian financier to gain access, peddle influence, and make money. He was indicted in 2019 on federal charges that Low Taek Jho, also known as Jho Low, paid him millions to help launder money Low had allegedly embezzled from a state-owned investment fund in his home country. Testifying in court on April 18, Michel said he used some of the funds for three friends to attend $40,000-a-plate fundraisers for Obama. Michel said he did not know it was improper to do this. "When you received the money from Jho Low, you used it to make political contributions," federal prosecutor John Keller said in a Washington court. "No," Michel responded at the trial. "Once he gave me the money, it was my discretion how I spent the money because it's my money." He described the funds from Low as "free money." It is illegal for foreigners to donate to U.S. election campaigns, and it is also against the law to pay someone else to make a campaign contribution. Pras Michel is accused of involvement with Low in three schemes, for which prosecutors say he was paid millions of dollars. In the first, prosecutors claim that Michel violated federal election laws by funneling about $2 million from Low into Obama's 2012 campaign coffers and masking the source of the funds by using straw donors. Michel is also accused of seeking to convince the Trump-era Justice Department to drop its civil and criminal investigations into Low over the 1MDB scandal, and trying to lobby the U.S. on behalf of China to send Chinese businessman Guo Wengui to China. Read the full article

[wytfut]

A past life

Bruce Whitefoot circa 1993

I’d like to honor the memory of my friend and past fire chief Doug Lorenson to this episode. Doug lost his long battle with leukemia at the too young of age of 35, and survived by 2 young children, and his Wife. Doug got on this department barely out of high school.

 Thru the years, I’ve been a part of many organizations. Some of the day to day house keeping of these organizations was pure torture. Where as the main theme was glorious. I still support emotionally and spiritually at times the Fire Dept. But honestly, do not miss it. 

The above shot, is 1993, before our house burned down. I had attended the National Fire Academy twice. Been fire chief.  With some exciting stories to tell. Can of skoal in shirt pocket. National Fire Academy hat. And a huge fire/rescue belt buckle. 

I was hard core fire dept member from 1978 to 1994. Then asked to come back again in 1999. In 99, I was going to make an attempt to get 20 years under my belt. In 99, I just barely made it as a member/chief another year, and just had to get out. I just couldn’t do it any more.... note “burned out”. 

Initially, joined just after Luke was born. No idea what I was getting into. Didn’t know if I could handle fire fighting or rescue. But thought that I’d just give it a shot, and do the best I can.

The at that time the current, Dept. was poorly trained at best, and had the best of intentions of “surrounding and drowning” all fire incidents (good ol’ boy syndrome), which wasn’t all that uncommon with rural depts. across Nebraski. Some are still that way today.

 There was no Waverly Rescue then, .... we depended on Greenwood for rescue, and we would be first responders until they arrived. The “trauma” kit consisted of bandages from the early 60′s (free Civil Defense over stock), and a demand valve on a small tank. No one on the dept, had any medical training to speak of except for one member (Mike Danley), maybe others with a little first aid. Sorry but he couldn’t make every call.

Mike at this time was just starting to organize funding/approval for Waverly to start their own rescue squad. It was very early stages here. Mike had been on another rescue squad in the past, and saw the need. 

Greenwood rescue, over 48% of all of their medical calls were to Waverly at that time. So they were all about us getting our own too.

I had been on WFD for less than a year, when I joined up with the beginnings of the Rescue Squad and became a charter member. Helping promote funding, and starting training. Mike’s presence then was a beast. Ultimate respect for him. Big guy, with a huge sense of humor, and tons of knowledge. 

We got the rescue up and running. We were separate from Fire, not common, but you’d see it here and there. So I became a dual member. In some ways it was a rough go. Not all fire or rescue members got a long. BUT every call it appeared everyone was attempting the same goal.

The local Rural Fire, and the City Council had never ever spent so much money in budget before. That was a battle to convince them to make the plunge. Members of both groups wanted the rescue, but didn’t want to spend the money. Good folks made hard choices. 

Thru the years... experience flew in my itty bitty head, and a lot stuck/stayed there. I’ve done CPR 4 times, actual hands on, with 1 surviving, and 2 of them coming back for a short period. Several actual structural fires (we didn’t really have that many, but we were called by neighboring FD to assist [Mutual Aid]). Car accidents full of carnage.... nightmare fest. Chemical incidents. Hazardous matericals, law enforcement incidents, Etc. Etc.

Attended State Fire school  in Grand Island every year I could. Took a few classes a couple of times. 

Attended Rescue Schools in Kearney. 

Attended National Fire Academy in Emmitsburg Maryland twice.

I was Doug Lorensons Assistant Chief on the FD, when we found out thru the grapevine we were considered “the best” fire/rescue this end of the State, and in the top 5 of the whole state, for volunteer FD and Rescue.

We could rock it.... oh lordy were we something back then. We held open seminars to any Dept’s that wished to attend. We trained heavily. Went to National Fire Academy. 

A tiny fraction of our achievements:  First rescue to learn “shock trousers”. Awarded Rescue Dept. of the year. Farm equipment rescue seminar (Waverly sponsored). School bus rescue seminar (Waverly sponsored). Pump class sponsored. Fire Fighter 1 class sponsored. Free CPR classes for members and general public and groups. Emotional stability class sponsored. Jaws of life class sponsored. Air Bag rescue class sponsored. Mutual aid water hauling class sponsored. First in our area to sign on with Bryan Heart Team (they were pre paramedic). First volunteer dept, in this area with their own air compressor (LFD would come out to Waverly to fill tanks time to time)  .... Hi angle rescue training.  on and on, simply amazing 

Our money by this time (late 80′s) was rolling in from a Bingo Parlor sponsor. So our equipment was nothing short of top shelf. All the schooling a member could handle.

These were the days that employers would support employees that belonged to civil service groups. 

For example I worked at Lincoln Hoot and Hollar. I could be working anywhere, and if I got a fire/rescue call, they would get me there if needed, and they would pay me, no questions asked. 

LTT was not the only company that did this. It wasn’t uncommon. In this area now, you never hear of it, and folks would think you were nuts to even suggest it. 

Week day calls were tough back then, even worse now. Members who could make these calls were over worked and rarely appreciated. Never enough folks for support. Mutual Aid calls were common, just to get physical bodies to help. 

Calls as one can suspect, very unpredictable. Have a call everyday for months. Then go 6 months with nothing. Participated in days where we would have 5 in 1 day. 8 on a weekend. 

Often appeared on big holidays were almost a promise. My house fire is a prime example.... Xmas morning. 

One Xmas holiday we had 2 structure fires (2 mutual aid fatalities) and a frost bite call all within 24 hours.

Lots of blood and guts with I80 running thru our district. Upwards of 50% of our calls were on I80.  Those calls could be very interesting also. Some very tough. One had several of our members reevaluating “what are we doing?”. 

I won’t get into details here on these type of calls. They are not for open discussion to the public. More of a private conversation.... 

Still have some friends on the FD/rescue. But mostly I don’t know any of them. And I’d suspect they have never heard of me... especially since I’ve been gone since 1999. 

Chief 2 times for total 3 years. Held every office of both organizations at one time or another. And a member of a separate appointment by the city council to “emergency preparedness”. CPR and Red Cross Safety Instructor for over 10 years. I taught to private groups and at LTT.

I do miss it at times. Believe it to be the adrenaline side of it. Miss that rush. Plus the afterglow when we really did something cool. Don’t miss butting heads with the government, or pig headed people. 

President Reagan, did go out of his way to try and recognize and find money for the Volunteer Emergency Services of our country. At that time 85% of all emergency services were volunteer in our country. Other than being recognized I don’t think anything ever became of it. 

Don’t know those numbers how they apply to todays world here in Waverlyland. I do know that they suffer dramatically on weekday calls.... worse than back then. I’ve heard because of this issue, it has taken its toll on existing members attitudes. 

Find myself lucky to have survived all of this, and kept my head screwed on. Tough go at times.

Who knows what the future brings

[disease-danger-darkness-silence]

Alright.

A list of things I need or need to do over the next week:

1. Somehow come up with $400 in the next three days to pay the phone bill. (THIS IS URGENT? I CAN'T DOORDASH ENOUGH TO MAKE THIS.)

2. Organize a fundraiser to cremate Raven's wife. I wanna go with the Neptune Society because even though they're a little more expensive, they just take care of everything, and they also offer grief counseling.

3. Use the little money I have to buy cat food. (Thank you to the person who sent me a lil' something bc that paid for cat food and toilet paper. I had to get a used tire and spent $50 for it - super cheap, but not $50 I could really spare. Fuck people who leave screws laying in the roadway.)

4. Somehow come up with $70 to pay my car insurance.

5. Get a power of attorney notarized and faxed to like seven different places. If anyone knows a cheap or free notary in Carson City or Reno, let me know, because my usual guy is on vacation.

6. File said power of attorney with the Carson City records department. (This apparently costs money and doesn't mean shit.)

7. Write letters to a judge.

8. Request records from a DA.

9. Request records from four different schools.

10. Take Raven to get their final VA disability assessment.

11. File paperwork for backdated pay from the VA based on the reason Raven was discharged (honorably).

12. Call Raven's therapist and have her call Raven to schedule a session before she leaves on vacation.

13. Call my therapist for same.

14. Call my doctor to get a refill on my migraine prevention meds.

15. Go through a fuckload of legal documents and create a timeline.

16. Call a jail and get visitor records logs.

17. Order urns and urn jewelry and somehow come up with the money for that.

18. Potentially plan for a relocation to the east coast.

19. Haggle with a judge about settling a warrant with out-of-state jail time, or a reduced sentence of some sort.

20. Organize a pay schedule for something owed.

21. Devise a potential parenting plan.

22. Acquire some CPS reports.

23. Acquire some records in Washington and Oregon.

24. Find Southwest Airline points or fundraise to get my daughter to Oregon to help a friend who's pro-choice overall but not for abortion for herself, get an abortion because of circumstance. :(

25. I guess sleep and eat somewhere in between this all.

I'm so tired.

Uh if you can help with any of this my PayPal is tashabot at gmail dot com and my. Cashapp is $tashabot. I'm so tired. I work two jobs and I'm still broke. I need a nap. I cannot nap, I need to go to work in a few hours.

[weareyour4]

4 Things You Might Regret as A Student at Uni – LaurenET

Being a student can be some of the best times of your life, but it’s only after you graduate and start working your first big girl job that you begin thinking of all the regrets you have about uni. Here are just 4 of the regrets I have that you might have too:

Not Doing Any Internships

This is my number 1 regret about university. At the time, I genuinely believed I was too busy or too shy or too confused about what kind of career I wanted to even think about applying for internships. It turns out, I just didn’t know about The Grad Soc. This company help students and grads find flexible (between 5 to 10 hours a week), paid (£11 per hour!) and remote (an introvert’s dream) internships that last around 3 months. Looking back, if I had found them at uni, I would have been making the most of my weekends, saving up that extra cash and figuring out what kind of work I actually really liked (and what I absolutely didn’t want to pursue). One thing you realise coming out of uni is that a degree doesn’t mean much to an employer and it’s your work experience that speaks volumes when you’re trying to land a grad job. It sounds simple but it’s not something I knew.

2. Wasting My Student Loan

In particular, on a bunch of new clothes. Don’t get me wrong, I saved like mad (maybe a little bit too mad at times) but I made some very regrettable purchases where that money could have been put to good use. No, I didn’t need the Anastasia brow gel because it was trending online and no, I didn’t need a new outfit for every event. If you’re a student reading this now, it’s worth asking yourself why you’re buying something. Is it just for the sake of buying? Can you find it somewhere cheaper? Can you wait a couple of months and if you still want it then you can get it? It might seem like the odd £20 here and the odd £15 there but it really starts to add up (and trust me, the future grad version of you will wish you had that money for a new vacuum or office desk or something “adult”).

3. Not Enjoying the Small Things

Uni is hectic. Every day feels like it’s mad and that’s not always a bad thing especially when you’re young, a little bit wild and soaking up all the freedom you have. But one regret you might find yourself having as a grad is not enjoying the small moments that made your uni experience. Like sitting in the library with your friends, all of you experiencing a stress-induced meltdown and you’re counting down the days until term ends. Or going home to visit your mum and dad. Or walking back to your flat with your besties. Or cooking dinner for your housemates. At the time, you’re so wrapped up in that essay you have to finish or that presentation you have to do that you forget to really soak up these small moments.

4. Throwing Away My Free Time

Once you graduate, you realise how time consuming it is working a “proper” job and you begin to regret throwing away all that freedom you had. Personally, I wish I had done more than binge watch and shop with my free time. If I could give advice to a current student, I’d say make the most of the time you have now where most of you have very few responsibilities. Travel to new cities (spending money on a new experience trumps new clothes by the way, take this advice), try new coffee shops, make new meals, choose a hobby, and stick to it (even if you’re rubbish at it, you’ll come out of uni with a passion for something that isn’t related to your career). I also wish I’d spent this freedom exploring my future options better. Could I have done some online courses? Could I have been networking? All of this hindsight is something you wish you had as a student. 

And these are just a few of the many regrets you might relate to! Ultimately, it’s important to look forward rather than wishing you could change the past but hopefully this lands in the hands of newbie and current uni students who can learn from my mistakes. 

[livingfancyfree]

the four day weekend

There are some perks to an office job and that includes the PTO/vacation time. In addition to 12 paid holidays, I have 30 PTO days to use, with the option to carry over 10 to the following year. Since I always carry over the 10 as a just in case, that gives 20 days to use throughout the year. The last vacation I took was in January 2020 to Disney with my friend and before that, in 2018 to the Poconos with my husband (I realize I will be mentioning him a lot so he will henceforth be Husband). We got married in November 2019 but didn’t get a chance to go on a honeymoon before the world shut down and since then, there hasn’t been the time or money to travel. So those 20 days sit around. I take off the day after Easter (I typically give up drinking during Lent so Easter I allow myself to let loose), maybe a day in July or August when my sister has off from teaching, and that’s it until the fall.

In September I’ll take off about 3-4 for my birthday, then it’s heavy loading on days off in November and December. This year, I’m off essentially every Monday the last two months of the year with a couple other days thrown in, it’s great. And one of the reasons I get to enjoy all this free time is because I don’t have to save my days for a child’s potential illness, school closure, school commitments, etc. My mom was lucky that my sister and I were fairly healthy and, if we did need to leave school early, my grandma was usually available to pick us up and take care of us, but her days were never guaranteed to be her own until we graduated. Even now, she still uses some of her days for activities related to us. In September, she took off the day before my birthday party and the day before my sister’s engagement party so she could prepare food for the two days. We appreciate what she did for us and we didn’t force her to use the time off but she did it for us.

I’m appreciative that I get to use my time off that I work for towards my own relaxation. This week in New Jersey, public schools were off on Thursdays and Fridays for teacher conventions. My sister had off from teaching and since we’ve both had jam packed weeks since September, we decided to make the most of the free time. I took off on Friday and we got some treats and watched 4 episodes of the Great British Bake Off. We usually watch the show

together but haven’t had the time so our day was saved purely for that. It was a nice lazy day hanging out.

Then Saturday I did a nice workout, watched Saw 2 for the first time (little underwhelmed by it to be honest), did a Target run with Husband and got some Japanese take out, and spent the evening chilling and finishing reading the first Vampire Dairies book. A perfectly lazy Saturday.

Today I did the shopping before another workout, got a stew going in the Crockpot, and hung out with my sister while she painted her room. I took off from work for Monday, giving me a nice four day weekend, and it will be a little busier with chores but it will be at my own pace and once I get bored, it’ll be back to reading and maybe watching a little more Lost season 2.

The free time is mine. Sure, there are the responsibilities of taking care of the house, making sure the kitchen is cleaned up, the lawn is mowed, laundry is done and actually put away, but the only creature to take care of apart from myself is my cat. Right now he’s content to just lay on my lap and enjoy the body warmth since it’s a nice chilly New Jersey day. The time I took off was at my discretion, it was for me and me alone. With the time, I didn’t have to worry about running a child to any activities (I worked at the YMCA during fall soccer and let me tell you, I saw parents sitting in 40-something degree rain enough times to know I did not want to be dealing with that), I didn’t have to feed a child throughout the day or entertain them. Being lazy was fine because it didn’t affect anyone else. 

I see my in-laws who don’t get their weekends to themselves because they are constantly attached to their young children (the oldest is 5 and goes down to 1). They’re too young to be left alone and they also want to play with their parents. It’s sweet but the majority of their childrens’ waking hours when they are at home is devoted to doing what the children need. Children are needy little buggers, as they should be. At that young age, they can’t cook for themselves, they can’t be trusted to be safe with their decisions. Not devoting the time to them

is neglectful and the children don’t deserve that.

I like having my freedom during the weekend and after work. At the end of the workday, I’m exhausted. By the weekend, I just want to stop for a bit and watch TV, read my book, if my husband is home spend some time with him. Adding another 1-2 lives into the mix would significantly alter that time I would have just to myself. Husband works 6-7 days a week, odd hours, you think I’m getting to relax like I do now if we had kids? Not a chance, and that was a big factor in our decision.

Husband said that while having kids would be nice, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to give up his own free time like he would be expected to do. And let me tell you, I very much appreciate him being honest about that. The last thing I would want is for us to have kids with the expectation that we would both be giving up our time as equally as we could just to have him drop the ball. That would not fly with me and I would rather him say up front that it wouldn’t happen than find out when it was too late.

And that’s one of the big discussions that needs to be had before having kids. I know too many people who didn’t have any legitimate talks before getting pregnant (a lot of the pregnancies I’ve seen in my life have actually been whoopsies, some have turned out well, many have not). It has an effect on the relationship and on the parenting. The children don’t deserve it, the partners in the relationship don’t deserve it. 

I’ll leave it with this: Unhappiness is preventable, just talk honestly and openly before making life altering decisions. If you love someone enough to consider taking the huge step of adding a child into the mix, then you should be able to have the deep conversations. If you don’t love someone enough to do that, then maybe you’re not with the right person or at the right point in your life. That’s okay, but maybe don’t do something rash that could have huge implications on your life and the life others.

I’m going to enjoy the rest of my Sunday evening. Dinner’s almost done cooking, Lost is getting intense, and I have more Vampire Diaries calling my name. Peace out until next time.