#free range queers for your consumption

[petrichor-and-moondust]

Asexual Riddler / Scarecrow?

I got u!

[hyypnotix-writes]

Part 2

~ hiya! I'm really nervous about posting this, but I couldn't not at least try to give you a second part after the response the last one got! ~

~ I really appreciate everyone reading it and enjoying it as much as you did ..I hope this one doesn't ruin it for you! ~

~ I think this one's around 13k words. so again ..it's a long one, if you have nothing else to do! ~

~ there’s quite a lot of story before Alexia makes an appearance, sorry ..but she does eventually show up! ~

~ I promise to put more of her in the next part if any of you end up wanting one ~

~ I’m really worried this will disappoint a lot of you, but at least you still have the first part to go back to, if nothing else! ~

~ I really hope you're able to enjoy it even just a little bit, and thanks again for loving the first part so much! the response was very overwhelming and I've loved you all reaching out to tell me that you liked it ~

~ good luck! good bye xx ~

~ Part 1 ~

________________

One night.  

One perfect night.  

That’s all it took.  

One perfect night to throw your whole damn life into disarray.  

One perfect night, that’s lead to endless subsequent nights, spent tossing and turning on your own, replaying the memory over on a loop in your mind. It’s only been about a month, but it feels like an eternity.  

A never-ending, exhausting cycle of yearning and confusion.  

It was the most welcome distraction from your ex-boyfriend’s evil escapades, you’ve not really thought about him at all since. 

It should have set you free, broken you out of the chains of mundanity. It showed you a whole new world, a world of women. It gave you a new perspective on life. Unlocked a realm of brand-new possibilities all ready and waiting for you to venture, and yet, you don’t want to explore any of them.  

It's not that you haven’t tried.  

You’d have been an idiot to assume that it’s only her that can make you feel like this. That would be giving her an awful lot of credit. Yes, she was your first woman, but that didn’t mean that she needed to be your last. The way your mind and body reacted to her, maybe you could have been slightly gayer than you thought, but it doesn’t really look to be the case.  

A pair of lesbian sisters always seemed incredibly unlikely to you, and your sister’s already called dibs on the label. Maybe it’s the mere existence of your younger sister that eradicates the possibility of any real queerness in yourself. That’s probably how the handing out of sexualities works, right? 

It’s a working theory, and one that you seem to be proving the accuracy of.  

You’ve been to a few more clubs since your entanglement with the Spanish mystery. Only returning back to that specific one, once. It gave you a headache just stepping through the door. She was still everywhere in the room, her spirit living in the walls. You barely managed to stay inside for even a second before it became too much for you, sending your heart and mind racing.  

You took yourself back home, reminiscing every single kiss you’d shared with her on that fanciful journey back to her hotel together. Looking up at the floor she had been staying on, as you hastily walked past it on your own.  

Even the nightclubs that aren’t haunted by her ghost, haven’t yielded much greater success with you. 

You paid a visit to a smaller bar, a fair few nights after your perfect one, and had found a woman interested in you. More than interested. She was pretty, and friendly enough. She was flirty and bought you a few drinks. She didn’t try to play it weird by aiding you in your consumption of alcohol. There was no intriguing salt and lime foreplay. She was far more straightforward, far less irritating.  

Maybe that’s why it didn’t work. Maybe she was too plain. Maybe she was too simple and easy for you to understand. Or maybe it’s the fact that when she pressed herself against you in search of a kiss, an alarm bell rang out inside of your head. You suddenly found yourself all too aware that she was a woman, and you simply no longer wanted to follow through with your curiosities.  

It doesn’t help in your confusion, why the femininity of one woman can leave you feeling more certain of your straightness, while another’s femininity has you still helplessly pining after her.  

It’s not like you were under any illusion with the Spanish woman. You were entirely aware that she was also a woman, and it wasn’t off putting to you at all. You enjoyed her being a woman. She smelt nice, she tasted nice. Her body was beautiful, and her lips were soft, and it doesn’t make any sense that she’s allowed to put a yearning in you that no other woman is able to satisfy.  

That does seem very typical of her, though. She really was very cocky and frustrating.ﾠﾠ

Until she wasn’t, of course.  

Then, she was just sweet and considerate. Cautious and careful. Flirty and undemanding. She took you back to hers and she still had no expectations from you. She was still willing to let you walk away. Maybe you should have.ﾠﾠ

You knew even then that you should have.  

It was daft of you to follow after her. Foolish to lose yourself with her, spending the night together, giggling under the sheets. Sharing kisses as you drowned yourselves in each other. Learning her body, every mark, scar and freckle, and committing them all to your memory. Tracing her curves and her tattoos and discovering what it is that makes her tick.ﾠ

She was patient, and understanding, she wasn’t in a rush with you. She spent the whole night exploring with you. Studying your body, wanting to learn all the things you liked her doing, and the things you really liked her doing. She turned what could have been a terrifying, embarrassing, disaster of an experience, into the most incredible encounter of your life.  

She brought you more pleasure than your pathetic ex-boyfriend had ever managed to give you in your whole 5-year relationship, in less than 5 minutes of her having your clothes off. She had the most unholy of noises spilling from your lips with her fingers and tongue inside of you, and she wasn’t exactly quiet herself, in letting you know when you were doing the right thing with her.  

She was intoxicating, exhilarating. She was life-affirming.  

She’s a far more dangerous addiction to you than alcohol could ever manage to be. You’ve never been tempted by drugs before, but you can’t even imagine the high from them being able to compete against what she’s done to you.  

It was just one night.  

It was one perfect night.  

________________

Living back with your younger sister isn’t exactly where you saw yourself being at 26. Your London flat had started feeling a little too big for you, without a traitorous arsehole of a man invading your space. So, you invited her to move in with you, not wanting to have to give up your dream property just because he had decided to try ruining your life. You needed help with the rent, and she had gratefully accepted.  

You didn’t necessarily expect her to also invite her idiot new girlfriend into your home with her. That wasn’t really part of the deal, though you didn’t explicitly tell her that she couldn’t. You can’t really blame her. If you were able to spend every waking moment of your life with ‘A’ right beside you, you’d jump at the opportunity headfirst.   

It still doesn’t aid in the dispelling of your confusion. There’s no jealousy when you see them together. Her girlfriend does nothing for you, none of her girlfriends ever have. You both have decidedly different tastes in women. Your sister’s taste is entirely questionable, yours is perfection.  

You haven’t mentioned your Spanish predicament to your sister. She’d probably laugh at you for it, call you tragic, and embarrassing. Tell you everything you’ve already been telling yourself on repeat in your head. She wouldn’t be very helpful; she very rarely is. She’s your very annoying, smart-arse of a little sister, who couldn’t possibly give you any decent advice. She’s 2 years younger than you and she's an idiot.  

She’s not the one who’s still hung up on a stranger after over a month, though. It’s rarely taken her longer than 24 hours to get over someone she’s been with. She’s not the one who’s been questioning herself every night. She’s never questioned herself at all. You’re fairly certain her very first thought, straight out of the womb was about another woman.  

She didn’t really have to come out to the family at any point, she kissed her first girl when she was 8. Always been a bit of a Casanova, your sister. A walking stereotype of a lesbian. Short, brightly coloured, undercut hair, quite a few piercings, heavily tattooed. She’s obsessed with women’s football, always watching re-runs of ‘The L Word,’ and overwhelmingly insistent in trying to prove to you that Taylor Swift is also secretly gay.  

Your sister’s certainty in her own sexual identity isn’t something that’s ever irritated you before. Not when you were always so sure of yourself, too. You appreciated her confidence. It was admirable, given the way people can be with her. She’s your self-assured little sister, who isn’t great at confrontation. So, you support her whenever anyone tries to tear her down.  

Now, however, this too-late-in-life existential crisis you’re struggling with, has you wishing she’d try to be a little bit more questioning herself. Her surety and cockiness about her sexuality is suddenly the most prominent attribute of her personality, and it’s really starting to drive you up the wall.  

It’s a rare evening where it’s only the two of you at home together. You don’t really know where her girlfriend is, and you don’t much care. You only feel responsible for one annoying lesbian, the one who shares your surname.  

She’s being rather antisocial with you, playing video games alone in her bedroom, and you’ve just finished tidying up the dining table after sharing the dinner you cooked for you both. You’re not exactly sure how you’ve found yourself solo parenting your stroppy little sibling when you’re really not much older than her yourself, but there you go.  

Maybe you should try speaking to her. See what she can possibly offer you by way of sapphic guidance. If she’s going to continue having her nuisance girlfriend living here rent-free, she should at least try giving you something to make it worth your while.  

You walk straight through to her bedroom and collapse your head onto her stomach on the bed. Making sure to do so with just enough force behind it to ensure you manage to leave her winded and interrupt her gaming. She grunts under you, and you earn an overly aggressive smack to your shoulder for achieving your goal. As, whatever other little child she’s playing her game against, has just managed to score past her.  

“You’re a twat!” She scolds, and you backhand her face to shut her up. She raises her fist above your stomach, and you flinch, bracing for impact.  

“I have a question!” You shout, before she has chance to attack.  

She pauses her lifted fist above you, and reluctantly agrees to a truce, providing your question is of interest to her. “What?” She groans, and you fiddle with your fingers, trying to find the right wording.  

“Why do you like women?” You ask, your face grimacing as you await her response.  

It isn’t your smoothest ever phrasing, not your wittiest form of delivery. It’s honestly, rather annoyingly, not the most subtle line of questioning. Despite it not being entirely to the point, your sister isn’t stupid.  

“What?” 

Oh ..maybe she is! 

That’s not going to be super helpful with your impending interrogation.  

“Why not men?” You suggest, still trying not to be too blatant. “How did you know you liked women?” 

“I looked at one.” She tells you, like it’s the most obvious answer in the world. “Why?” 

“Do you find every woman attractive?” 

“No, but I find enough of them attractive to sense a pattern.” She explains. “Why?” 

“And you’ve never been attracted to a man? Not even tempted?” 

“No. Not once. Why?” 

“Never ever?” 

“Y/N!” 

“I was just wondering.” You tell her quickly, drumming your fingers on top of your stomach.  

“About women?” She queries. 

“About ..why women. What it is about them.” 

“Aside from the obvious?” She snickers, nudging your arm.  

You quickly bounce your head back against her stomach winding her again.  

“Stop doing that!” 

“Stop being annoying!” You warn her. Your frustration at yourself getting the better of you.

She tries to push you off of her, but you mess with the analogue sticks on her controller, and she turns her focus back to salvaging her match. “You really are a twat! Get out!” 

“I need your help.” 

“I don’t care!” 

“..I’m sorry.” You mumble, and she scoffs at you, pushing you off of her bed unceremoniously.  

You can’t say you blame her, you’re a constant threat to her in that position, it’s too big of a risk. You enjoy bouncing your head and ruining her childish little game far too much.  

“Why do you like men?” She counters, and you find yourself stuck for words as you sit on her floor.  

It’s the question that’s been floating around your own head for a little while now. You’d never thought about it before. You just were. You had crushes on them all throughout your childhood, you’d had meaningless boyfriends in your teens, you met your bastard ex at university and figured that was it.  

You didn’t need to question why you were attracted to them, it just always made sense.  

“I don’t know.” You answer honestly, letting out a groan as you grab one of her pillows and bury your head into it.  

“What’s going on?” She asks, as she prods at your shoulder with her foot.  

“Nothing. I was just—” 

“Thinking about women?” 

“No!”  

It isn’t really a lie, you’re not thinking about women, just the one. The one woman who’s been invading all of your thoughts for the past 30 something days. The one who won’t let you sleep properly at night, who won’t let you focus completely at work.  

The one woman who refuses to leave your head for even a second just to let you rest, to let you breathe, to let you remember what life was like, prior to her entering it and recklessly setting fire to everything, before she ran away from you and disappeared into thin air.ﾠﾠ

“I kissed one.” You confess, trying to suffocate yourself with her pillow.  

This really does take her by surprise. You can hear her movements on top of the mattress as she turns her game off and pulls her pillow from you with a rather startling urgency. There’s great confusion on her face as she looks at you. She really must think you’re very boring if that’s enough to render her speechless. Imagine her reaction if you admitted to all the other things you did to the Spanish enigma.  

“You kissed a woman?” She asks, frowning at you.  

You’re not entirely sure why she looks quite so cross about it. You’re not trying to steal her thunder here. You’re not about to start trying to catch up with her numerous exploits of female companions.  

“Mhmm.” You mumble in reply, smoothing your hair back from over your face.  

“Why? For a man?” 

“No! I just wanted to ..I thought it’d be fun.” 

“..and ..was it?” 

“Mhmm.” 

She looks at you with a very distinct air of incredulity. It’s a rather annoying look, weirdly condescending. She doesn’t believe you. Why she thinks you’d bother lying about it, you really do not know. You’re not that desperate for a story to tell her.  

It’s almost offensive that she thinks you’re so incapable. You didn’t just kiss a woman. You went down on one, you had your fingers inside of her. You evoked moans from her, she scratched her nails down your back. You’re not some virginal prude. You’re not inept. It can’t be that shocking and inconceivable that you could share a single kiss with someone of the same sex.  

You were right, telling your sister was pointless. She’s offered you no assistance and no support. She’s a useless little waste of space and her horrible girlfriend is an advantage-taking little freeloader.  

“Thanks, very much! This was really helpful!”  

Your words are laced in sarcasm as you slide yourself up away from her bed with a sigh, throwing your middle finger up back in her direction as you exit the room, and slam her bedroom door shut behind you.   

You slam your own bedroom door shut behind you too, just in case she hadn’t picked up on how pissed off you are.  

You’re not really pissed off with her. She doesn’t know what’s going on inside of your head. You’re pissed off with yourself, for still being all entirely far too consumed with a woman whose name you do not know. Who wouldn’t even bother sharing her profession with you. It isn’t fair.  

You collapse headfirst onto your bed and let out a rather guttural groan into your duvet. You’re very frustrated. Your brain’s a mess, your sexuality’s up in the air, and you allowed yourself to picture, far too clearly, your memories of having sex with the gorgeous Spanish woman and now that ache that she’d put inside of you is back.  

There’s a knock at your door, and you’re not in the mood. You grab your duvet and burrito yourself in it down to the foot of your bed.  

“Y/N?”  

You don’t even grace your sister with a response. She doesn’t deserve it. She’s a swine.  

No, but she really is a swine, as you can hear her turning the doorknob and just walking right into your bedroom anyway. She’s really, unbelievably terrible at reading social cues.  

“Do you want to come to Spain with me next week?” 

See what I mean? What the hell?  

That’s a very serendipitous little offer, though. You didn’t even mention to her that the woman that you kissed was Spanish.  

Did you?  

She can’t have worked that out by herself. That would be insane. She’s already proved herself to not be the sharpest tool in the shed. That wouldn’t make any sense. What an intriguing little invitation.  

It’s very embarrassing that just the mention of the country sends a shiver down the back of your neck. All this instant adrenaline running through you, as if she’ll just be waiting for you there as soon as you land down in a random Spanish airport. Yeah, that seems likely!  

Spain’s not the biggest country in the world, but it certainly isn’t small. You’re not going to accidentally stumble into her again on the beach, or in a marketplace. She’s definitely not going to be staying in the same hotel that you’d be in.  

It shouldn’t have your heart racing like this. The chances of finding her again are so infinitesimally small, so extremely impossible, so overwhelmingly unlikely ..but you do stand a better chance, if you’re in the right country.  

“Next week?” You mumble under the sheets, playing it incredibly cool, as you try to ignore the way your heart’s started thumping at a thousand beats per minute.  

“Yeah.” 

“I thought you were going away with your girlfriend?” 

“..we broke up.” 

Shit. She would make this all about herself.  

You wiggle yourself free of your duvet cocoon and open up your arms for her to crash into you. She might be a useless little swine, but she’s your useless little swine. “Are you okay?”  

“Mhmm.” She grumbles, as she starfishes herself on top of you.  

“I’m sorry.” 

“No, you’re not. You never liked her.” 

“That’s not true.” You protest half-heartedly, kissing the side of her head.  

“I am fine ..I broke up with her.” 

“Well, thank fuck for that!” 

“See!” She laughs, rolling off the side of you. “You hated her!” 

“She was horrible!” 

“You could’ve said.” 

“You wouldn’t have left her if I told you to. You’d be getting bloody married to the girl. Twat.” She giggles defencelessly next to you on the bed, because you’re absolutely right. She has always been a contrarian little thing. “Are you sure you’re okay?” 

“Yeah. I’ll find someone else tomorrow.” 

“Unbelievable.” You chuckle, shaking your head as you push her away. “You can’t just give me her ticket. Did she not pay for it?” 

The embarrassed little look on your sister’s face is all the wordless response you need. Her girlfriend never paid for anything. She really was an advantage-taking little freeloader.  

“Where are you going in Spain?” 

“Barcelona.” 

“Why?” 

“Football.” 

“Oh! Give me a break!” You exclaim and roll down away from her back to the foot of the bed. “Why are you going all the way to Spain just to watch some football? You can bloody watch it here.” 

“It’s the Champions League!” She informs you excitedly, and you can’t even pretend to match her enthusiasm. “Chelsea’s playing Barcelona.” 

“Woo.” You respond flatly, rolling your eyes with a shake of your head. “You watched them play together today, didn’t you? Why are they so bloody obsessed with each other? Even I know there’s more teams than that.” 

“It’s the second leg..” She starts explaining, but none of it means anything to you, and you really just can’t bring yourself to care.  

Going all the way out to Spain to be stuck inside a stadium with thousands of screaming fans? What sort of holiday is that? You don’t care about Chelsea’s success or failure. Your sister’s dirty crush on their star-striker is just another one of her many celebrity infatuations that you can’t make any sense of.  

You don’t want to sit next to her as she gets herself all hot and bothered watching women run around a football pitch. You don’t even enjoy watching men do it, you have no interest in watching women.  

“No. I’m good, thanks.” You tell her, dismissively.  

“Please? We can do more than just watch the football.” She offers, pouting pathetically. “You have to come with me! I’ve just been dumped!”  

“No, you haven’t!” You remind her, laughing at her useless attempt at guilt tripping. “And you haven’t really left me much time to negotiate with work.” 

“You work too hard and you’re due some time off! Your boss isn’t going to refuse you, just bat your eyelashes at him. The filthy pervert.” 

“Hm.” You mumble, drumming your fingers over your stomach as you think.  

She isn’t wrong, about you working hard, at least. You do like to bury yourself in your work. You enjoy your job, and the harder you work, the more you earn. You haven’t had time off in a while, and your boss is unlikely to say no to you, you are his favourite employee. You don’t agree that it’s because he has a crush on you, you get good results for the company, and attract lucrative clientele.  

If batting your eyelashes could get you back in the arms of your Spanish one-night stand more easily, though, you’re not above flirting with him to get you there. You could take a few days of leave, go off to Spain, and possibly run into the woman who’s been living inside of your head.  

It’s such an incredibly remote possibility. An absolute stab in the dark chance of finding her. She probably isn’t even in Barcelona. You’re not cultured enough to be able to pin her accent to a specific city. She’s just Spanish. There’s much more places in Spain than just Barcelona. Barcelona isn’t even the capital. Maybe she’s in Madrid, Valencia, Marbella. She could be a party girl living on the island of Ibiza, you had originally found her in a bar. You don’t get a body like hers drinking yourself senseless every night, though.  

What if you do find her, and she wants nothing to do with you? There was only ever the promise of one night together. You already pushed your luck by spending the rest of the morning with each other, she doesn’t owe you anything more. It’s unlikely that she’s been spiralling quite as pathetically as you have. She’s not going to be fending off a sexuality migraine.  

You undoubtedly won’t have been the absolutely mind-blowing experience to her, that she was to you. She’ll have had sex with countless women. She definitely enjoyed herself with you, that much you’re certainly sure of. You can’t fake every bodily reaction to someone, but the rest of it could have been for show. The display of heartbreak afterwards.  

So, maybe she’s an actress, that would certainly make sense. It would explain why she had money, and why she had a company paying for her hotel. Maybe that was her little ‘business trip’. Perhaps she was in London promoting a Spanish movie. Maybe the entire thing was all a performance, and you fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker.  

Either way, stalking her in Spain would be far too pathetic. Even if she does want you to find her, it’s so desperate and needy of you to go all that way, and if she doesn’t want you to find her, you end up looking insane. Travelling to Spain, to possibly just show up right there on her doorstep? What a terrifying thing for you to do to the woman.  

But what if it’s a sign? 

Your clueless little sister, inviting you all the way to Spain, with absolutely no idea that the woman you’re harbouring all of these confusing emotions for, lives there? Maybe it’s fate. Maybe it’s the universe trying to get you back together. Maybe she didn’t fake it, she does feel the same, you’ll find her in Spain and spend the rest of your lives together.  

Please. Behave and be so goddamn serious with yourself. You sweet and simple, delusional little fool.  

“The woman I kissed was from Spain.” You inform your sister thoughtfully, and she sits herself up on your bed to frown at you.  

“You’re still going with that?” 

“Why don’t you believe me?” 

“You’re straight. Straight straight straight.” She points out, with such an incredibly annoying inflection to her voice, it makes you want to bang your head against the wall. “You’re also 26. You were in love with an ugly bastard for 5 years and you’ve never shown an interest in a woman before.” 

“I hadn’t met her before.” 

“Gayyy!” She giggles, and you give her an almighty clack on her arm with the back of your hand, to wipe the smug little smile from off her face.  

“Go with the woman you’re hooking up with tomorrow.” You instruct her. “I’d be a nightmare to watch football with, you’d have to keep explaining things to me.” 

“I don’t mind doing that.” 

“Do you have no other friends to go with you?” You laugh and she pouts dramatically again, shaking her head. “You’re a lonely little loser!” You tell her with a smile.  

“Is that a ‘yes’?” She asks, rolling her eyes at you.  

You take in a deep breath and let out a very heavy sigh. 

What’s the worst that can happen?  

She’s already completely upturned your life. It couldn’t make things any worse for you. Whether you’re able to bump into her or not. You’ll either find yourself some peace, lounging in the Spanish sun, or you’ll be left in exactly the same position you’re in now, but with a much healthier glow to your skin.  

You could even find yourself a Spanish man while you’re out there.  

Mm.  

It’s really not a good sign for your heterosexuality, that that’s no longer an appealing option to you.  

“If I can sort it with work,” you reason, “yes. I’ll come to Barcelona with you.”  

She lets out an embarrassingly girly squeal and crashes her head against your stomach, with just enough force behind it to manage to leave you winded.  

“Twat! I’m making no promises about going to the game, mind. I’m just coming for the tan.” 

“Maybe your ‘Spanish lesbian��� is also a fan of football.” She encourages  

“Mhmm. I’m pretty sure she is.” You admit contemplatively. “Is that an entry-level of requirement for lesbianism, then?” You ask, rolling your eyes. “Because if that’s the case, I really can stop questioning myself.” 

________________

Booking time off work really is as easy as your sister thought it would be. Maybe your boss does have an inappropriate crush on you like she suspects. 

She’s very excited about having you for company, and she tries to educate you on all of Chelsea’s history, the players’ statistics, and their personal lives, all before you go on your little trip together. It really does just go right in one ear, and straight back out of the other. You’re not fussed on the facts and figures; it’s not why you’re going.  

There’s not enough room in your brain to care about the ins and outs of Sam Kerr and Kristie Mewis’ relationship. You’re not interested in the fact that Chelsea currently have 6 WSL titles, and are going for their fifth-straight one, and you really aren’t bothered that the semifinal’s first leg match against Barcelona ended in a draw.  

That is a fair amount of information for you to have retained already despite not being interested. Your sister really has been going on at you, you’re almost a footballing expert.  

Touching down late in the morning in Barcelona, you can’t pretend there isn’t a tiny part of you that’s letting yourself get a little carried away with dreaming. You’ve played through enough countless scenarios in your head of running into the Spanish wonder again back in London, of course your mind’s racing with the possibilities in Spain.  

You drop your bags off at the hotel your sister’s booked for you both, with the intention of heading back out to explore the city together. It’s a peculiar looking building, bright red, oddly shaped. She really never has been one for subtlety, it’s the perfect sort of accommodation for her.  

She insists on wanting to have a look at the Olympic Stadium before the big match, as well as seeing the state of Camp Nou’s renovations, and you really can’t indulge her any more than you already have. You probably will end up joining her for the game tomorrow, but you’re absolutely not walking around the outside of football grounds for fun.  

You’ve seen the exterior of Stamford Bridge more than your fair share of times, Wembley, the Emirates. There’s not that much difference between the lot of them, and they’ve never really been your favourite form of modern architecture.  

So, you agree to go your separate ways for your first afternoon in the city, you’ll meet back up with each other tonight.  

Playing tourist around the streets of Barcelona on your own, is quite an exciting little experience for you. You’re not very worried about getting lost, despite not speaking too much Spanish beyond the basics. Your hotel’s a distinctive looking building, it’s not going to be super difficult to find your own way back to it.  

You get a taxi further into the main hub of town and you’re able to mosey about with a rather unrestrained confidence, turning down tight alleyways and strolling aimlessly along multiple cobbled streets. You manage to find yourself being comfortably led astray, by allowing nothing more than just the warm gentle breeze to guide you as it blows against your body.  

It turns into a more casual exploration of the more authentic side of Barcelona away from most of the tourist hotspots. You have no real idea where you are, and you’re quite enjoying the small rush of adventure.  

A coffee is what you start craving, and you’re not exactly limited by options. Every other building on the peacefully quiet backstreet you’ve found yourself on, seems to be a tiny café. You could start ip dip doo-ing all the individual offerings, but that’s putting far too much consideration into it. You decide to go for the smallest one, the most unassuming. The best coffees always come from the places that aren’t trying to market themselves to any foreign tourists.  

A little bell rings out as you step through the door and the barista almost jumps out of his skin at the sight of you, he clearly isn’t used to getting anyone other than his regular patrons. You offer up your friendliest of smiles and a quick ‘hola’ to show him that you mean no harm, and you tap your finger gently on the countertop as you inspect the board behind his head.  

Choosing the littlest coffee shop might have been a tiny mistake because absolutely everything on the menu is written in what you can only assume, is a rather confusing variation of Spanish. You can’t back out now, the barista already has an adorably excited look on his face at having someone new in his little shop, you can’t break his heart like that.  

You study the chalk written on the board for entirely far too long, in the hope that the words will slowly start translating themselves for you. It doesn’t work, obviously. So, you take a punt at a random one of them, with the rather daring assumption that you haven’t just ordered yourself a troubling batch of Spanish poison.  

“¡Dos, por favor!” Comes a call from behind you, from a woman you surely do not know. It’s recognisably ballsy of her, almost rude.

Her words echo in your ears, as time stands still around you. You’d recognise that voice anywhere, with that unmistakable, and entirely enchanting, cocky little tone to it.  

You can’t really have found her so easily. Life’s never been that kind.  

You can feel your heart clattering around in your chest instantly. Like it’s trying to escape from your ribs, to go off and say hello to hers, all by itself. Your chest’s rising and falling intensely as your breathing shallows and picks up pace.  

It can’t be her; it can’t be. This city’s just absolutely full of Spanish women.

She holds out her card right over you to pay, gently resting her arm down onto your shoulder, and you’ve definitely seen that tattoo before. The ‘11’ printed on her wrist.  

She’d refused to explain the meaning when you’d asked her about it. She wouldn’t give you the backstory behind any of her tattoos. It was too personal; you weren’t allowed to know.  

She thought you might have really fallen for each other if you both started sharing too much information about yourselves, and you only had the single night to spend together.  

“It would be too painful.” She had reasoned with you.

That was very clever thinking on her part. She absolutely managed to prevent you from having an awful lot of heartache and suffering about the whole thing, by letting you know absolutely nothing about her..ﾠ

You still can’t bring yourself to turn around and look. Even though you know it must be her. It can’t be likely that there’s multiple Spanish women that have branded themselves with that specific number on that specific part of their body. Surely to god.  

“..gracias.” You manage to choke out very shakily, in little more than a whisper, still facing forward.  

You have to turn around at some point. You can’t very well drink your coffee on the tiny little counter right in front of the barista when you can’t even have a conversation with him. Just staring at him, silently, neither of you able to speak each other’s language? That would freak him out! You’ll find yourself back on a plane headed for England before you know it, with a restraining order hanging over your head.  

Grow up and turn around. Just turn around.  

It’s her. It has to be her.  

The barista accepts the woman’s payment method with a familiar little smile back at her, and she carefully retracts her arm from over your shoulder slowly. You can smell her perfume on her wrist as it wafts back past the side your face. You recognise the scent, and you find yourself following it round you like a lost little puppy, your knees almost giving way beneath you.  

You didn’t accidentally stumble upon her at the beach. It’s not a Spanish marketplace. She definitely isn’t staying at the same hotel that you’re in.  

You’ve found her, while getting yourself lost. In the tiniest little café, on an unnamed, tumbleweed backstreet, right in the very heart of Barcelona.  

There’s a wide smile of disbelief on her face. Which is hopefully an indication, that she isn’t terrified of you being here, she hadn’t faked her feelings, and she, much like you are with her, is a little overwhelmed to see you.  

“Hi.” Is all that drops out of your mouth, as your mind goes blank at the sight of her.  

“Hi.” She says back, with the exact same breathlessness as you, her voice cracking ever so slightly.  

“….Hi.” 

“You’ve already said that.” She reminds you, and she’s clearly able to bring herself back to her senses far more quickly than you are, because there’s that charming little smirk tugging at the corner of her lips again.  

You’re not really sure which one of you instigated it, you both just sort of ended up colliding into each other, gripping at the material of each other’s clothes. It’s a very desperate hug. Even more so than the one you shared outside of the hotel elevator. You melt into each other, merging yourselves together like two corresponding puzzle pieces.  

It’s an embrace, holding not just the 12 hours of curious devotion between you, but over 30 days' worth of frenzied yearning. It has you both clinging to each other with everything you have, as it defies everything you came to accept as truly achievable, that heartbreaking belief in you, that this reunion would never really happen.  

It’s an impossible hug, and it’s one that neither of you want to pull away from. 

“What are you doing here?” You mumble against her, clinging to her shirt as she buries her head in the crook of your neck.  

“I think it should be me asking that question.” She tells you, chuckling. “I have far more right to be in Barcelona than you do.” 

“This is where you live?” You ask. “You’re from Barcelona?” 

“Mhmm.” She murmurs. “Mollet del Vallès.” 

There’s really no reason for that to be the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard. It’s only a place name. It’s a good job she didn’t spend much time speaking Spanish to you back in London, you really would have been like putty in her hands.  

“What are you doing here?” She questions.  

“I thought you might want your sweatshirt back.” You joke casually, and she loosens her grip on you slightly so she can face you.  

“Do you not want it anymore?” She asks, furrowing her brow as she studies your face. 

There’s a clear look of uncertainty in her eyes, a small sense of worry, and you do feel mildly guilty for teasing her. “I was hoping ..maybe I could swap it for another.” You smile. “It doesn’t really smell like you anymore.”

She doesn’t allow you to feel guilty for too long. That small air of arrogance that’s always threatening to escape her, does so, in a predictable little smirk at the implication.  

“You’ve been wearing it that much?” She asks you proudly, and you push your tongue against the inside of your mouth as you roll your eyes at her typical display of cockiness. She carefully closes the small distance between you both again, gently pressing herself flush against you. “Does it smell of you?” She whispers in your ear, sending a ripple of goosebumps down the side of your neck. 

“Mhmm.” 

“Mm. Maybe I could be persuaded to make a trade, then.” 

She’s impossible for you to resist when she’s like this. It’s still an intriguing talent she has, evoking such a physical reaction from you, by doing hardly anything at all. A quiet little whisper in your ear and your body’s immediately burning up next to her? You’re still so incredibly tragic.  

You might no longer be certain of your sexuality, but maybe it really doesn’t matter. Why do you need to understand it? Why does it need an explanation? No one else in the world is important at all when she’s standing here in front of you. No one else would ever really stand a chance. How could you ever be interested in anyone else, when you know that this woman right here exists? How could any other person ever truly compare? 

There’s a desire in you that’s clearly also felt in her, when she moves herself to look at you. It’s written all over her face, the twinkle in her beautiful eyes, and the fact that her lips are so incredibly close to yours.  

You lean in, and so does she, but it’s like something quickly shoots through her body, as though she’s suddenly being brought back into the room. She does a quick scan of the café, and she collects herself before she lets you both get carried away.  

“We can’t kiss in here.” She tells you quietly, and you frown at her as you pull yourself back.  

“Why not?” You ask, doing your own quick search to try and find what she saw to put her off.  

No one seems too interested in you, though there’s admittedly a couple of people discreetly watching her. She is very beautiful, so it’s not surprising, but you do sort of wish they’d stop their gawking. This gorgeous woman is here with you, and you’re not really in the mood for sharing.

“There’s not another bloody homophobe about, is there?” 

“No!” She laughs, shaking her head. “Well, I don’t know, actually. I haven’t asked around, but we just ..can’t kiss in here.” 

It’s curious. She didn’t have any issues kissing you in front of people before. Spanish people are very famously more physically affectionate with each other than British people are. So, it seems unlikely that the two of you would turn too many heads just by kissing.  

“Okay..” you accept reluctantly, pouting a little at the rejection, “so ..should we just quickly nip outside to do it then, or?” You joke cheekily, pointing to the door with your thumb.

She chuckles with you, resting her forehead to your shoulder. “You’re still as straight as ever!” She grins, as she wraps you back up in her arms.  

It’s quite nice just losing yourself in her embrace. Burying your head in her neck and holding her tight against you. Having her arms back around you, her perfume overwhelming your senses. The rest of the coffee shop fades into a blur with her in your arms. She’s comforting, reassuring. She’s real, and she’s here.  

“Ale!” Is called out by the barista not a minute later, and you’d have very happily paid it no attention at all. The immediate flinch from the woman that you’re holding, in response to it, however, tells you that you might have just found out a very valuable piece of information indeed.  

You repeat it under your breath, as she pulls away from you and goes to collect your coffees from the counter.  

She says a quiet ‘moltes gràcies’ to the barista, and she narrows her eyes with a small grimace as she returns to you. There’s still a clear reluctance in her to give too much away, she’s not entirely grateful to her little coffee friend for unknowingly revealing slightly more to you than just her first initial.  

Ale. It must still be short for something, you figure. You start reeling off name possibilities at her in quick succession. Alessia, Alex, Alexis, Alexa. You’re like a dog with a bone, because she makes it clear that you’re getting closer, but she still shakes her head at every guess.  

It’s very frustrating, as she offers you absolutely no assistance with your guessing, but it can’t be as convoluted a mission as trying to discover Rumpelstiltskin’s ridiculous name. Thankfully, it isn’t. It’s on only your 5th attempt that you cause the same small flinch in her, and she smiles softly at you before looking down very quickly. You’ve struck gold.  

Alexia. 

It’s a beautiful name. Your favourite name, you’ve decided. It rolls off your tongue with so much ease, you want to repeat it again and again. 

“Now you know too much.” She sighs whimsically, handing you your coffee as she walks past you to collect her bag from the table she was previously sitting at.  

She gestures for you to follow her and leads you to a quieter area away from the other customers right at the back of the shop. She pulls out your chair for you to sit down, and you can’t not smile at the tiny act of chivalry. She really is very sweet. It’s a shame that she won’t let you kiss her.  

You reveal your own name to her, as she joins you on the other side of the table and she repeats it back to you quietly. Whether it’s the sexy Spanish accent, or just the fact that it’s her saying it to you for the first time, you’re not entirely sure, but your heart skips a few beats after hearing it. 

“Now we both know too much.” She tells you, and she takes a small sip of her coffee.  

There’s the tiniest level of nervousness, that blankets itself over you both as you sit together. It’s a little absurd, you’ve seen this woman naked. She’s seen you naked. It isn’t technically a first date between you, neither of you asked the other to be here, but you both clearly have the little jitters of being on one, coursing through your bodies.  

You find yourself just watching her a few times as you talk over your drinks together. You still can’t really believe you found her so quickly. So, you don’t want to risk taking your eyes off of her for too long, in case she just disappears into thin air while you’re not looking.  

She’s also the most beautiful sight in the café. So, why would you want to waste your time looking at anything else? 

You’re not being very discreet about your staring at all, and neither is she, really. You keep exchanging shy smiles over your cups as you catch each other looking. Both of you blushing and quickly averting your eyes as they meet, and then gradually repeating the whole thing all over again. You’ve definitely caught her gazing a few more times than she’s caught you. So, maybe she’s even more tragic than you are.  

The little coffee you ordered by chance, is Alexia’s usual order, so she tells you. It’s not the most life-changing piece of information for her to share with you, but it’s something else for you to know about her, and you’re absolutely sure to make a note of it. It probably keeps you on an even tally too, she already knows that you enjoy drinking a tequila.  

You’re still not allowed to kiss each other, for whatever obscure reason, but she has reached for you hand under the table. Interlacing your fingers together isn’t a new thing between you both, and neither are those tingles that immediately shoot up through your arm at even the most innocent of touches from her. She really does have an incredible effect on you, it should probably be more terrifying to you than it is.

“Why are you really here?” She asks after a moment, as she strokes her thumb over your knuckles.  

“My sister dragged me here.” You answer. “It’s a very important football match tomorrow, apparently.” 

“The one against Chelsea?” She asks, with an unmistakable look of interest in her eyes, that has you rolling your own lightly back at her.  

“I think she’d say against Barcelona,” you point out with a sigh, “but yeah, that one.” 

You had managed to work out that Alexia was probably a bit of a football fan. She has a little stick figure tattoo of a footballer on her leg, the outline of a baby being given a ball on her back, and you have exceptional detective skills. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.  

So, it isn’t a surprise that she’d be excited by your footballing interests, but it is unfortunate that you really don’t share the same passion for it as her.  

“Unless you’re a very daring rebel,” you start, “I assume you’ll be supporting Barcelona tomorrow?” 

“Mhmm,” she murmurs, with a small twinkle in her eye, “and you’ll be supporting Chelsea?” 

“Not emphatically,” you admit with a smile, “but I’ll be in that section of the crowd, yeah.”  

“You don’t really care about football at all, do you?” She asks knowingly, with an edge to her smirk that’s intriguing, as you shake your head at her in apology. “Maybe you should introduce me to your sister instead, then!” She winks, and you very quickly remove your hand back out of her hold.  

“Don’t.” You tell her. “Please. Don’t even joke about it.” 

It’s admittedly a little cute that she finds herself quite so hilarious for her disgusting little joke, but you are very unamused by the idea. If the childish look of mischief on her face wasn’t so entirely endearing to you, you may very well have got up and left her right then and there.  

She rests the back of her hand on your thigh with her palm outstretched, and you roll your eyes at her before placing your own hand back into it. She raises it to her lips to place a lingering kiss to your fingers, leaving you with the faintest of blushes across your cheeks. So, maybe you can find it in yourself to forgive her just this once.  

“I have a sister.” She reveals. “Her name's Alba. She’s a few years younger than me. I’m the older sibling, like you are.”  

“Uh oh!” 

“What?” 

“Well, now I really do know too much.” You tell her with a wink.

“My sister’s Emily.” You inform her rebalancing the tally of facts you keep sharing with each other. “Though she’d kill you for calling her that. I think she’d change her name completely if she didn’t think it would upset our Dad so much. She just goes by Em these days ..so ..she probably would have enjoyed your silly little initial idea, actually,” you admit thoughtfully, frowning a little at the realisation, “maybe I really should introduce you to her instead..” 

“Por favor.” She says quietly, quickly shaking her head at you and raising your hand to her lips once again. “Don’t even joke about it.” 

“Will you be going to the game tomorrow?” You ask, a not-so-subtle attempt at finding out if you might be getting to see each other again so soon. “We’d be like star-crossed lovers in the stands. Very Romeo and Juliet of us!” 

“I don’t know that we want to be comparing ourselves to those two! I don’t remember it ending very well for them.” She reminds you, narrowing her eyes at you as her intriguing little smirk returns to her face. “And no. I’m working tomorrow, I won’t be in the stands.” 

“Boo. You can’t be that big of a fan, then!” You tut in disappointment. “I’ve come all this way to support my team!” 

“Your team!” She chuckles. “Will you be there in a Chelsea shirt?” 

“Absolutely not. I’ll be in very neutral colours.” 

She smiles, nibbling at the inside of her mouth as she lowers her eyes to look at the table. She knocks her hand gently on it a few times before turning her attention back to you. It’s impossible to know what she’s thinking, but she’s definitely debating something silently in her head.  

“I could give you a Barcelona one?” She suggests a little cautiously, and you have to smile at the idea. Your sister would certainly disown you if you took one of those back home with you. It’d be worth it, just to see the look on her face.

“You have a very weird habit of offering me your clothes.” You tell her slyly.  

“Mhmm. I really like seeing you in them.” She admits sultrily, and your breath catches as her eyes darken looking at you. “I think I have one in my bag, if you want it.” 

It’s a surprisingly sexy little offer, and you do quite like having her clothes on your body. It’s hard not to laugh at her peculiarity, though, even your sister isn’t that crazy of a football fan.  

“You just ..carry it around with you at all times?” You ask, furrowing your brow as you chuckle at her. “That’s really weird of you! Do you sell them? You go round offering them to unsuspecting tourists? Is that your job? Is it a fake? Are yo—”

“You need to stop trying to know things about me.” She interrupts softly, shaking her head as she chuckles.  

“And just ..blindly accept that you always have a football shirt on you?” 

“Mhmm.” She giggles, and you narrow your eyes at her.

She really is very curious.  

She pulls it out from her little duffle bag from under the table and hands it to you with a gleam in her eye as you take it from her. You push your empty coffee cup to the side and spread the shirt out over the table to study it.  

They’re not exactly your colours, but you can probably make them work. You hold it up against you to check that it will suit, and she bites her lip as she watches you. There’s a name printed on the back of it, you realise, and you smile a little as you read it in your head.  

“Don’t most adults keep it blank? Or just go for their favourite player?” You ask smirking. You turn the shirt around and rest it over yourself, and she gently bites at the skin around her fingernail as you trace the lettering over your chest. “I thought it was just little kids that got their own name on the back. Do you quite like pretending you’re also on the team?” 

“Mhmm ..maybe.” She mumbles, stifling a giggle as she rests her head in her hand. She smiles at you fondly, as she continues gazing at your little shirt inspection.  

“That’s really very cute of you.” You tell her, placing the shirt back on the table and leaning over it as you trace your fingers over the number. “Why ‘11’?” 

“Hm?” 

“11. You have it tattooed on you. You’ve chosen it for your shirt.” You point out. “Is it your birthday? You were born on the 11th? You were born in November? Born on New Year’s Day? Is it just your lucky number? Is it—” 

“Stop, trying to know things about me.” She interrupts again quietly, reaching for your hand and meeting you across the table to rest her forehead to yours.  

“But I want to know things about you.” You whisper. “I want to know when your birthday is. I’d like to know your surname. I want to know what you do for a living, how you got those scars on your knee, how much you weighed when you were born. The name of your first crush, where you went to school, the meaning behind your tattoos. I want to know each and every incredible milestone you’ve ever achieved, and all the unfathomably boring things that you got up to in between each of them. I want to know every single detail about you, and your life, Alexia. I really, really want to know you.”   

It’s quite the thing for you to confess to the poor woman after only meeting her on two separate occasions, but the way her grip on your hand kept tightening as you spoke, the slight clenching of her jaw, and the fact that her lips are dangerously close to yours once again, probably means you haven’t just completely scared her off with it.  

“We’d have to spend a lifetime together, trying to learn all of that about each other.” She whispers to you, her lips lightly brushing against yours.  

“Is that a proposal?” You chuckle, gently bumping your nose to hers. Your eyes trail to her lips, and it’s really very hard to not act on your impulses. “Am I really not allowed to kiss you in h—“ 

It seems that you are allowed to kiss her in here, when it’s right at the back where no one’s watching. Or she’s allowed to kiss you, at least, because there's no doubt which one of you instigated this. Her lips move against yours, and your pulse reacts to her immediately.

It's a kiss harbouring an awful lot of emotion, for two people who still hardly know each other. It's slow, passionate, careful, and every confusing little worry that's been plaguing your brain since the last time you kissed, instantly melts away into nothing as her tongue slips back into your mouth. You're the only two people in the world when her hand's pulling you in by the back of your neck, and you’re tugging her closer by grabbing at her shirt.

It’s probably a good job she did decide to take you further away from everybody else, because it doesn’t stay an entirely family-friendly kiss for very long. It’s not wildly inappropriate, you’re not animals, and the bastard table’s in the way of you doing too much with each other. Thank goodness it is, because it’s been over a month, after all, and you’re both clearly quite a bit needy. You really can’t be doing that in public.  

“I’ve missed you.” She murmurs against your lips, pulling you impossibly further into her.  

“I really missed you too.” 

Hours feel like minutes, in Alexia’s company, as you spend the afternoon roaming Barcelona together. She still refuses to tell you everything about herself. You don’t learn her surname, and she still won’t tell you what she does for a living, but you do both share other things about yourselves with each other. 

It doesn’t matter how insignificant any of the details probably are. Every single one of them still feels important to you, because it’s another little glimpse into her. Every single fact, story and secret that she shares, is what makes Alexia, who she is, and she was absolutely right, you do find yourself falling more for her, with all of the little things you keep discovering.  

She eventually agrees to tell you her birthday. Which makes the whole ‘11’ obsession even more intriguing to you, because the 4th of February ’94 does absolutely nothing to clear that little mystery up. It does tell you that the man in his twenties that you were looking for the night you first met, didn’t even turn out to be a woman in her twenties at all. She turned 30 nearly 3 months ago. She’s absolutely decrepit! 

She gives you a tiny tour on your stroll together, bringing some clarity to the Catalonian streets you’ve been carelessly walking down. Explaining the extra confusing writing on the menu board, and casually revealing to you that she can speak 3 different languages. So, your drunken boast about your GCSE level German, probably wasn’t very impressive to her at all.  

You’re both approached a fair few times by people asking for directions. You can never understand what it is that they’re saying, and you're not really of much use to them just standing there being awkward. So, you hang off a little to the side taking in your surroundings, waiting for her to help them out, before she excitedly returns back to you. You’re not at all bothered by the interruptions. Your patience with it keeps earning you a quick discreet kiss from her as she wraps her arms around your waist, and you return the same display of affection, for her unrelenting kindness to strangers.

Alexia insists that she isn’t a tour-guide, and she’s also not an actress. So, you are very slowly whittling down the options of what it is she could possibly do for a living. She asks you about your own career, which is incredibly cheeky of her, considering. So, you simply refuse to tell her.

Maybe it’s that competitive streak in you, but if she wants to play it secretive, you can absolutely match her for it. You only agree to give her the corresponding facts to the one’s she’s willing to give to you. That way, if she’s falling for you with each new piece of information the same way that you’re doing for her, at least you’re both crashing down for each other, at exactly the same speed.

There’s slightly less careless abandon with being too physical with each other, walking hand in hand around Barcelona. It’s arguably tame compared to how you both were back in London. Whether it’s the lack of alcohol that’s keeping her more reserved, or maybe just because it isn’t yet nighttime, you’re not entirely sure.  

You’re still stealing kisses as you waltz along the streets, but you’re not pushing each other up against the walls of buildings out in the open. Maybe that would be a little indecent of you both. You’re pulling each other down quiet alleyways, instead, pressing yourselves together in secret coves.  

It doesn’t feel entirely necessary, the streets you’re exploring aren’t particularly packed with people, but you don’t question it too much. You’ve really just missed having her lips on yours, and whatever capacity she feels comfortable doing it in, you’re more than willing to oblige.  

You couldn’t really care less who sees you kissing her. You all but forget that they exist when she's pulling you into her and leaving her mark on you. It is arguably far more exciting, however, trying to be sneaky about it with each other. You're both almost actively searching for places that you're unlikely to get caught in. Finding hidden areas and seeing how much you can get away with together.

Your hands find their way under her shirt on more than one occasion. She really does have the most beautiful body. She jokingly reprimands you for it each time, but she doesn’t really discourage you from doing it. She does continually tease you, for your ever-decreasing signs of straightness, though.

Each newly shared kiss with Alexia, is somehow even better than the last. Whether she’s passionately throwing caution to the wind with you, by kissing down your neck, or trapping your bottom lip between her teeth. Even when she’s just being painfully frustrating, by giving you the quickest of pecks before skipping away. Every single one of them still sets your soul on fire, and they still manage to pull all the air right out from your lungs, every single time.

Alexia waits with you, as it turns to evening, on a bench by the road for your taxi back to your hotel. You try not to let the mild burning in your eyes ruin your final moments with her, but you can feel yourself starting to break.

She pulls out the football shirt from her bag again and holds it out for you to take with a shy smile. “I really hope you enjoy the game tomorrow.” She says, and you try to allow yourself to chuckle a little while nodding your head. 

“Mhmm. Thank you, I’ll try.” You tell her, throwing her shirt over your shoulder and quickly rubbing the corner of your eyes. “I’ll have to get Em’s permission to wear this, first. She’ll be very unimpressed with me.” 

“Just don’t let her burn it!”  

“I won't.” You promise, interlacing your fingers with hers and placing a kiss to the back of her hand. “The other fans might throw tomatoes at it, mind!” 

She chuckles, pressing a kiss to your temple, and there’s that familiar sense of dread in your stomach, as you watch the road, knowing your time together is quickly running out again.

You catch her gazing at you as you turn to her, and maybe there’s a little butterfly or two in your stomach as well, at the way her eyes are watching over you. “Are you okay?” You ask.

“Mhmm. You haven’t even gone yet,” she tells you smiling, tucking your hair back behind your ear, “and I already can’t wait to see you again.” 

“You’re really that certain that you will? You’re still sure you don’t want us to swap numbers?”  

“We’ve already bumped into each other a couple of times now. I have no doubt we’ll manage it again.”

It’s nowhere near as reassuring to you as it seems to be to her, but there’s a certain level of romance in her conviction in fortuity. Maybe you are beginning to believe in the possible existence of fate, though you're not completely enamoured by continuing to leave your encounters with Alexia, entirely up to chance. She cradles your head in her hands and gently wipes the tears that are threatening to spill from your eyes with her thumbs.

"I'll never forgive you," you warn her weakly, "if this ends up being it for us."

"Trust me." Is all she asks of you, and she pulls you back into her, resting her head against yours as she runs her fingers over your back.

It feels like an unspoken promise from her, to keep at least trying to find you, and there's a power in her certainty that has you desperate to believe in it too.

It’s still a little hard for you both to say goodbye to each other, but she’s already told you she has a busy day tomorrow, and you can’t really bring her back to your hotel when your sister’s already sharing the bed with you. You share another long hug, and a few more secret kisses before your taxi pulls up, and you finally hesitantly agree to part ways. She places a kiss to your cheek, by way of goodbye as you clamber yourself into the back of the car, setting off without her once again.  

You try to reassure yourself, on the taxi ride back to your hotel. You've ran into each other twice, in two separate countries, by pure dumb luck. It can't be impossible for it to happen again. Maybe there’s something connecting you both, an invisible string, an intangible little bungee cord, that's making sure that neither of you is ever able to truly stray too far away from the other. Alexia has ‘no doubt’ that you’ll manage another meeting again, and you take some comfort in knowing, that you still have 2 days left in the city, to do exactly that.

________________

Collapsing back down to lay on the bed in your hotel room, you have a sneaking suspicion, that you’ll have a far better night’s sleep than you’ve managed to have in a long time, tonight. Your mind isn’t spiralling with confusion anymore, and there’s no longer a gaping hole inside of your chest.  

There’s an excitement in you, a warmth. An encouraging little hope that you really have found something special. Someone special. That once-in-a-lifetime connection with another person who’s also trapped in this world along with you.  

It definitely isn’t the someone you expected to intertwine your soul with. Any younger version of yourself would be very confused about where she’s ended up. It isn’t a connection you want to keep questioning either. It’s not one you really have any doubts on the existence of at all. She’s just it for you, and maybe it’s okay that that’s all you can say to justify it.   

You don’t need to be attracted to other women; you don’t really care about your weakening attraction to men. It just makes sense when you’re together with her. There’s no confusion, no uncertainty, there’s no warning alarms ringing out in your head. There’s just Alexia, and the existence of anything and anybody else, will always pale in comparison to her. 

Your sister arrives a little after you, plodding back into the hotel room, clearly wiped from whatever individual Spanish adventure she got up to today, and she flops herself into one of the armchairs with a very heavy sigh.  

“Long day?” You ask. 

“Mhmm.” She mumbles, frowning at you suspiciously. “You look very happy?” 

“I am very happy!” You tell her with a smile. You excitedly roll over and reach down the side of the bed to retrieve your souvenir of the day from its hiding spot. You launch it right into your sister’s face and she grunts a little under the impact. “Will you hate me, if I wear that tomorrow?” You ask, trying to contain your newfound enthusiasm. 

She pulls it off from where it’s wrapped itself around her head, and she gives you a very unimpressed look. “You bought a Barcelona shirt?” She asks, clearly disgusted with your choice of fashion.  

“I was given it.” 

“By?” 

“..a woman.” You tell her, gently biting your bottom lip as you smile up at the ceiling.  

“Mm.” She mutters with a sigh, moving to join you over on the bed. She thwacks the shirt down over your stomach and lets out a huff next to you. “Well, at least she has good taste.” She tells you. “Or she’s just a bit basic.” 

That’s a little rude ..and very confusing.  

“What do you mean?” 

“Going for the best player on the team.” 

That’s less rude ..but even more confusing.  

“..What do you mean?” 

“Are you joking?” She asks, with a very clear tone of annoyance to her voice. She grabs the shirt and thwacks you with it again. “A woman gives you a shirt with a name on the back, and you don’t even care enough to ask who the bloody player is?”   

Maybe your head is racing again. That’s incredibly confusing. It really doesn’t make any sense. It’s her name, not a player’s name. Maybe they just share a name. It’s not an incredibly rare name, that’s not impossible. 

Your Alexia has a mild interest in football, she’s not playing it professionally. Who would keep that a secret? She’s reticent with sharing information, that’s for certain, but she’s not a bloody liar, and she told you she wouldn’t even be there tomorrow.  

No.  

She said that she was working tomorrow, and that she wouldn’t be in the stands with you. 

Your mind has started racing, and so has your little heart.  

“What. do. you. mean?” You repeat slowly, trying to keep yourself calm.  

“Alexia Putellas.” She tells you, very nonchalantly, and your brain all but short circuits at the name.  

“Who is Alexia Putellas?” 

She thwacks you again with your shirt in dismay, and you’ve really had just about enough of being treated like a piñata. You sit up, pull it from her hands and thwack it across her face as you ask her to explain herself.  

“She’s a footballer, for fuck’s sake!” She shouts, rubbing the palm of her hand against her eyelid. “She’s Spanish. She plays for Barcelona!” She pulls out her phone, to search for her Instagram and bonks you on the head with it. “That’s Alexia Putellas, you twat.” 

You look at the profile, and the hotel room blurs around you. You can feel your heart thumping in your chest, hear the blood pumping around in your ears.  

Your Alexia, is Alexia Putellas.  

She doesn’t sell shirts for a living, she’s not an actress nor a tour-guide, she really isn’t even a spy. Though she’d probably make a pretty good one, the way she never gave this piece of information away.  

Your unexplainable connection with another human being, and she plays football for a living? Clearly very well too, as 2 of her pinned photos have her holding a massive award for it right next to her face. Every other post on her page is about football. She’s Barcelona, through and through.  

She’s verified, she has over 3 million followers. She’s been out here, existing on the world’s stage, all this time, without you ever knowing. Your own sister’s been privy to more information about her than you have.  

She was in London a month ago for football, according to her Instagram posts. The cryptic little ‘business trip’ she was on, was a quarter-final match against Arsenal. An embarrassingly easy win for Barcelona, she must have been out celebrating it when she found you in that club.  

She was back in London again last week for football. You could have seen her then. You missed a chance at an earlier reunion with her, because you refused to go with your little sister to watch her in the first leg against Chelsea.  

Your breathing’s very shallow as you scroll through the endless stream of photos. Your mind is absolutely spinning. It’s all a bit much to take in. You lock your sister’s phone and place it back on her chest as you try to collect yourself. You really don’t want to risk learning too much about her. You want her to tell you everything, you don’t want to find it all out behind her back.  

You’ve been waiting with bated breath all afternoon, savouring every little piece of information she’s given you, and your smart-arse little sister could probably tell you loads about her if you asked. Lots of the details you’re so desperate to know about Alexia are probably only a quick google search away, but you feel guilty enough just knowing her surname without her having been the one to tell it to you.  

She hadn’t been super willing to even give you her first, and no wonder! It’s the single name that’s plastered on her shirt, it’s the name she’s known mononymously as. She’s women’s football’s answer to Beyoncé, Adele. 

Of course, she didn’t want to kiss you in front of people in the café, out there on the streets. It’ll be why she only kissed your cheek in front of the taxi driver. She probably is a little liar, because she almost certainly wasn’t giving directions to people when they approached you both. She presumably isn’t old friends with the two men who wanted a photo with her. They all just know who she is. The whole damn city of Barcelona knows exactly who she is.  

Maybe she was testing you, waiting for you to crack, to confess to knowing everything about her. How couldn’t you know about her? How unbelievably rude of you.  

She’s a celebrity footballer, and you’ve treated her like she’s one of the most normal people in the world. You’ve flirted with her, teased her, kissed her, slept with her, and she’s welcomed it all with that adorable little smirk.  

So, maybe she’s liked that you didn’t know, that you really had no idea about who she was at all. You can’t have had any preconceived thoughts about the woman when you’ve had no prior knowledge about her. Perhaps it’s been part of the fun for her, just being with someone who really couldn’t care about the noise surrounding her. Maybe that’s the reason she didn’t really want you knowing about it. Her fame could have changed things, pushed you away.  

It wouldn’t have. She’d have to do something intrinsically evil to frighten you off. Especially now, after the afternoon you’ve just spent together, learning more, and falling deeper for her. She’s still just the woman that baffled you with a lime in a nightclub, wound you up by kissing someone else. Rescued you from a night of undeniable regret, and turned it into the start of something magical.

She’s your once-in-a-lifetime connection, your confusing, and frustrating, perfect one-night stand companion. She’s the woman that's turned your whole world on its head, and it just turns out, that she quite likes to kick a ball around, with a bunch of other women for a living, and people from all over the world, have been watching her excel at it for years.

She has to know that you’ll have found out already, you’ve told her your sister’s football obsessed. Even if your sister didn’t know who she is, there’s bound to be other people wearing her name on their backs tomorrow. Probably not many of them were given their shirts by the woman herself. There’ll be even less of them with one of her sweatshirts in their bag.  

Maybe she’s excited for you to connect all the pieces together. Giving you her shirt was far too bold a move for her to still not want you to know. She’d have just talked you out of going to the game, if that was the case.  

She wants you there, being a very daring rebel, with her name boldly resting between your shoulder blades, rooting for her and Barcelona, right in the middle of the Chelsea fans. You’ll probably stand out like a sore thumb with your red stripes in the sea of blue you’ll be standing in, and maybe that’s exactly what she’s hoping for. She had ‘no doubt’ that you'd see each other again, after all. 

“She’s the best player on the team?” You ask your sister dreamily, collapsing back down on the bed and clinging to the shirt in your hand as you hold it against your body.  

“Mhmm. Best in the world.” She tells you, and there’s that exhilarating little thrill shooting right up through your body.  

“Oof. I’ll tell Sam Kerr you said that!”  

She scoffs to the side of you and flicks your forehead playfully. You lift Alexia’s shirt, holding it out in between your fingers to study her name again in disbelief.  

You're falling in love, with the ‘best in the world,’ and she seems to be falling for you, too. A little nobody from London, who’s spent the past month pining after who she thought, was a little nobody from Spain. She’s once again turned your whole damn world on its head.  

She really is absolutely everything.  

“I will hate you if you wear that thing tomorrow.” Your sister warns you, as she hits the shirt with the back of her hand. “I offered you a Chelsea shirt and you gagged at it!” 

“I’ve not gagged at this one.” You point out with a grin. “It’s a shame you won’t be friends with me tomorrow.” You tell her, resting the shirt back out over your torso.  

“You can’t wear it!” 

“I bloody can, and I very much will.” You inform her. “You should rethink wearing a Chelsea shirt. You’ll be very disappointed when we beat you tomorrow.” 

“‘We?’ You really are a twat. You’re Barcelona’s biggest fan all of a sudden?” 

“Too bloody right, I am!” You tell her decidedly, hugging the shirt against you. “I’ve always loved football, me.” 

[darkrpfinders]

⊱ ─── ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ ─── ⊰ Position: B4T/V4T Romance: Yes!! Pairing: MxM/MxTransM Age Range: 21+ Genre(s): Sci-Fi, Dark Fantasy, Thriller, Romance RP Length: Long Term Post Length: Flexible/Mirror Literacy: Adv. Lit

—-

Hello all! Hope you’re all having a great day/night! My name is Venus, I’m 23, I’m a POC queer writer, and I love everything romantic!

I had a pretty specific idea in mind!:

You, a wealthy, powerful and overall morally grey CEO, lived a luxurious but dangerous life. It didn’t help tbat the business you ran was a coverup for your shady dealings.

One day, a new recruit joined, seemingly coming from nowhere. He was in his early twenties, quiet, and kept his head down like a majority of the ‘iterns’. But even so, there was something about him, something off about him, that drew you to him…

Basically, I’m looking for someone to play a dark, slightly older CEO/mafia leader against my half demon trans guy in a romance story with darker elements. (Disclaimer: This rp will include themes of ||death, depression, family issues, sexual abuse, drug/alcohol consumption||, and potentially more depending on what we come up with! To be clear, I am NOT lookfor a toxic relationship between our two main muses!

Kink wise I’m pretty flexible, though with my limits! We’ll discuss everything in private, though if you see something that’s not on my kink list and not in my hard limits, feel free to ask about it! The worst I’ll say is that it’s not something I’m into.

Lastly, plotting and discussion is very important to me! I also love OOC chatter and gushing over our characters (I’ve been dying to mame a Pintrest board with someone lately)! I don’t expect my partners to constantly match my energy, but if you’re dry all the time and don’t really engage, I’ll assume that you aren’t all that interested.

That’s all for now! If interested, feel free to message me anytime on my discord: stvp1d_cvp1d !! (Note: When messaging me, please ket me know what prompt you’re messaging me for! Also, I don’t get notifications for these channels, so I most likely won’t see if you nessage me in the thread!)

⊱ ─── ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ ─── ⊰

stvp1d_cvp1d

[novella-writers]

⊱ ─── ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ ─── ⊰ Position: B4T/V4T Romance: Yes!! Pairing: MxM/MxTransM Age Range: 21+ Genre(s): Sci-Fi, Dark Fantasy, Thriller, Romance RP Length: Long Term Post Length: Flexible/Mirror Literacy: Adv. Lit

—-

Hello all! Hope you’re all having a great day/night! My name is Venus, I’m 23, I’m a POC queer writer, and I love everything romantic!

I had a pretty specific idea in mind!:

You, a wealthy, powerful and overall morally grey CEO, lived a luxurious but dangerous life. It didn’t help tbat the business you ran was a coverup for your shady dealings.

One day, a new recruit joined, seemingly coming from nowhere. He was in his early twenties, quiet, and kept his head down like a majority of the ‘iterns’. But even so, there was something about him, something off about him, that drew you to him…

Basically, I’m looking for someone to play a dark, slightly older CEO/mafia leader against my half demon trans guy in a romance story with darker elements. (Disclaimer: This rp will include themes of ||death, depression, family issues, sexual abuse, drug/alcohol consumption||, and potentially more depending on what we come up with! To be clear, I am NOT lookfor a toxic relationship between our two main muses!

Kink wise I’m pretty flexible, though with my limits! We’ll discuss everything in private, though if you see something that’s not on my kink list and not in my hard limits, feel free to ask about it! The worst I’ll say is that it’s not something I’m into.

Lastly, plotting and discussion is very important to me! I also love OOC chatter and gushing over our characters (I’ve been dying to mame a Pintrest board with someone lately)! I don’t expect my partners to constantly match my energy, but if you’re dry all the time and don’t really engage, I’ll assume that you aren’t all that interested.

That’s all for now! If interested, feel free to message me anytime on discord: stvp1d_cvp1d. !! (Note: When messaging me, please ket me know what prompt you’re messaging me for! Also, I don’t get notifications for these channels, so I most likely won’t see if you nessage me in the thread!)

⊱ ─── ⋅ʚ♡ɞ⋅ ─── ⊰

Message if interested!

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

I posted 6,578 times in 2022

That's 954 more posts than 2021!

2,006 posts created (30%)

4,572 posts reblogged (70%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@batmanisagatewaydrug

@dykerory

@dykeschemicalromance

@marywisdom

@pcklesthings

I tagged 3,290 of my posts in 2022

Only 50% of my posts had no tags

#sex edventures 2022 - 246 posts

#the locked tomb - 174 posts

#gotham time - 142 posts

#weekend positivity - 131 posts

#edward riddlehands - 113 posts

#a court of fey and flowers - 109 posts

#our flag means death - 108 posts

#pokemon - 108 posts

#art - 107 posts

#wwdits - 98 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#'no ethical consumption' is not a get out of jail free card for when you just. don't want to make a very easy and harmless lifestyle change

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

I get why fantasy authors would default to using, like, the same basic arrangement of seasons and weather and gravity that we have here in The Real World because they have to make up so much shit as it is and it IS probably good praxis to give your readers some familiar touchstones in your world so they can just focus on the plot, but. having said that. I think there should be more settings that have seventeen seasons, all of them different lengths, and constellations that don't have fixed patterns because sometimes they'll get pissy and just move to a different part of the sky, and sometimes the sun tells people things telepathically, and there's a type of weather where the air just gets really thick and difficult to walk through that's unpleasant but not any more uncommon than rain. it's called smärklf.

19,155 notes - Posted July 30, 2022

#4

hey if you have a pet or pets you need to reblog this rn and tell me in the tags what their names are. bonus points for including what kind of animal.

31,495 notes - Posted July 20, 2022

#3

the worst part of my job (standing around at college orientations being Visibly Queer) is when parents nervously alter their entire walking trajectory to stay out of range as if I'm going to bite them and pass on my infectious homosexuality.

this is wildly eclipsed by the best part of my job, parents who are such wildly enthusiastic allies that their children seem a little embarrassed about it. I'm talking parents who eagerly point out my little rainbow-draped table and urge their kids to come over, parents who excitedly pick through my button box offering up the relevant pride flags and pronouns to their kids, parents who have detailed questions about harassment policies and gender affirming care while their kids are trying to wander away, parents who rush over with open arms and obvious glee on their faces knowing there's a space on campus dedicated to keeping their kids safe.

the ferocity with which these parents love and affirm their queer kids is so humbling and wonderful.

36,652 notes - Posted June 9, 2022

#2

cannot believe twitter libs are whining that protesting outside Kavanaugh's house is iNcOnSiDeRaTe To HiS nEiGhBoRs. if you live nextdoor to Brett fucking Kavanaugh and you're not shitting on his porch or at least throwing eggs at his house every day you're wasting your life.

42,481 notes - Posted May 8, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

all goofing aside I genuinely don't understand the urge to reimagine Taylor Allison Swift as a secretly queer icon when the pop music scene(TM) is like. literally overflowing with women who actually like women. Gaga and Kesha and Miley and Halsey are right there. Rina Sawayama and Hayley Kiyoko and Rebecca Black and Kehlani and Victoria Monét and Miya Folick if you're willing to get slightly less top 100. Janelle and Demi for them nonbinary takes on liking girls. like what are we doing here. like I'm not even saying you can't enjoy Taylor but why would you hang all your little gay hopes on her.

70,455 notes - Posted September 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[coralshort]

I had a very busy end of summer pulling together the giant annual fundraiser Witch Rave successfully after a dramatic spooky lightening storm!  This year’s event was co-organized this year with best friends and artists: Alex Tsoli, Jean P’ark, Orion Twinkle and Winnie SuperHova. Together with the community we again miraculously raised thousands to provide an opportunity for many talented artists to participate in Murmurs. Thank you to the almost 1,000 people who came out to support this fundraiser. Murmurs was the first queer sound art residency in the world. With organizers and BetOnest director Yoav Adamoni – we were 31 that filled the art hotel! The largest event ever in the space and ColorBlock joined us for a big party making it the funnest party of 2018 at the new residency space.

The amazing artists who participated in the residency were:

Pêdra Costa

Ze Royale

Henry Wilde

 NeoNeoneo Hülcker

Hannah Levin

Lyd AD.

Gee

Zinzi Buchanan aka Zi Ro Buch

Lady Gaby

Mikatsiu Høres

Lori Elisabeth

Luiza Moraes

 Gambletron

Johnny Forever

Miriam Schickler

Vincent aka Consumer-Refund

Lulu

Aisha Sasha John

Lydia Miligkou

Antigoni Tsagkaropoulou

Maa Yaa

Alex Alvina Chamberland

Caitlin Fischer

Sherry Ostpovitch

Vera Hofmann

Sophie W. Pagliai

Here are some photos from the beautiful Murmurs residency:

—————————————————————————————————————————————–Two weeks later my partner Ryan Backer and I took the train to Amsterdam and biked around a lot in all sorts of weather. We went to the Art Deco Sauna to warm up and relax which was incredible!  Then I curated Genderclear at Transcreen.

This is one of my favourite bills of my life. It was carefully juried by friends Angel Ka, Anna Helme, Nabeela Vega, Raven Davis, Russell Louder and Ryan Patrick Backer.

Jespa Jacob Smith, Anakin Tora,Brettley Kai and Wyatt Riot were in attendance which was such a total delight. This program was funded by Senatsverwaltung für Kultur und Europa

Video artists on the bill: Jespa Jacob Smith, Justin Shoulder & Bhenji Ra, SATURN, Mitch Mitchell, Erum Khan, Anakin Tora, JJ Levine , Brettley Kai and Wyatt Riot, Namita Aavriti, Thirza Cuthand, Buzz Slutsky, Kinga and Winnie Superhova, Max Rocha, Kübra Varol, Isaiah Lawrence, Lene Ricarda Vollhardt and Luce Delire and HYENAZ

After trip the next weekend this Ryan Backer and I had an ecosexual commitment ceremony/ ritual in the light rain in a forest led by my platonic wyfe performance artist and porn star Sadie Lune. This event took place at Quecke with our 20 closest Berlin friends in attendance followed by a giant feast.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–While gardening at the Tauenblau estate in October, I got to spend some time back at BetOnest with some great artists from New York, Glasgow, Montreal and Philly that I have had the joy to work with before: Hannah Levin, Ben Owns, Nash Glynn, Stephanie Creaghan and Evie Snax! Also I got to meet and listen to inspiring stories from Yoshiko Chuma for my first time.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

I worked at the Berlin Porn Film Festival in October 10 hours a day again running the Spektrum Venue with Alex Tsoli for almost a week. I curated the last of the Berlin Series of 2017 called FEAST on loop in the lobby of the Spektrum �� art science community. Many of the artists were here for the festival Theo Meow, Candy Flip, Lori Elisabeth, Cybee Bloss and AORTA films which was exciting.

FEAST An experimental short film curation on loop Coral serves up the best in food porn mixed in with a sprinkling of high art for you to devour. These hedonistic video artists gorge on fruit, picnics, bodies, hot dogs, cakes, candy, and last but not least gallons of milk. Get some food to go and come sit at the Spektrum to spend some quality time chewing and swallowing these beautiful and visceral videos in between screenings. Headphones will be provided for this sumptuous overindulgence. A generous helping of thanks to Zachary Hutchinson, Cybee Bloss, Anna Luisa Petrisko, Nabeela Vega and Ryan Backer for ideas and support with this curation. This delicious experience is free of charge!

Kailey Bryan and Pepa Chan Eat Your Heart Out .56 Over four hours they feed each other a seven course meal. Gestures range from smirking and silly to hurtful and aggressive. Attentiveness gives way to laziness; resentment builds. As carelessness action becomes malicious, the performers feel the weight of their own callousness. Tenderness re-emerges. With each bite they contend with their impulses and suffer the emotional consequences of their actions. Sometimes we hurt each other out of ignorance. Silly, attentive, callous, malicious, and sorrowful, this durational performance is a quiet but high-octane emotional ride. World Premiere

D.S. Chapman Mending 4.01 Through a reflective performance, the artist alludes to the reparative nature of transitioning their body. Confronted with a subtle, visual break with reality, the viewer is asked to navigate and mitigate their relationship to the perceived trauma that has been done and is being subsequently undone in the video. European Premiere

Claire Arctander Feeding Time 2.25 Feeding Time is a pithy, sexy video that feels raw but is ultimately G-rated. The artist plays an intentionally ambiguous role – is she top or bottom, commanding or commanded? European Premiere

Asaf Aharonson, Chih Ying, Josephine Beckers, Kasia Wolinska, Konstantine,Martin Hansen Asia Tickler: on fruits and phantasy 3.26 Human and fruit relations enjoy a long and entangled history with notions of the erotic, from ancient Greek hedonisms to subliminally suggestive works of European art from the Middle Ages to twentieth century performance art. Most honourably, fruit nourishes our bodies. Asia Tickler draws attention to the tactile limits of human bodies with fruit, exploring pleasure in various encounters of absurdist ‘waste’. European premiere

Yoshie Sakai Come one eat all 4.54 In the video piece Come One, Eat All (2007), I concoct my own cultural icon as an animated “adult-girl” doll child, whose only objective is to endlessly and tirelessly eat fast food (McDonald’s French fries and Kentucky Fried Chicken) and junk food (Lay’s potato chips, powdered donuts, chocolate bars, and M&Ms) at a frenetic pace, as moving images of amusement park rides sped up considerably cause a mesmerizing and nauseating sensation for the viewer. Along with the creepy soundtrack “Carnival of Souls” by Combustible Edison and screaming noises from the people on the rides, I attempt to convey the vicious cycle of dizzying consumption and the irrepressible nature of overindulgence unnaturally forced upon us by the marketplace. European Premiere

Devyn Manibo Sediment 002 5.34 Part of a series of durational, visual, and textural experiments which uses rice to explore the materiality of grief, memory, and accumulation World Premiere

Nabeela Vega Thahab-Papaya 3.33 Part of an ongoing project: “Visiting Thahab” Visiting Thahab investigates the identity of a Muslim American femme in the post 9/11 diaspora. It takes forms that are performative, collaborative, generous, vulnerable, and exquisitely beautiful. World Premiere

LAZY MOM Hungry Hungry Hot Dog 2.34 Based on the children’s book “The Very Hungry Caterpillar,” this stop motion animation features a ravenous sausage wiggling its way through junk food on a coming-of-age journey. European Premiere

Glitter Hangover Rub 1.29 Glitter Hangover, acoustic Peaches cover band, presents their debut music video, Rub. We are frivolous, camp, and queer. Our work is about subversive pleasure and building temporary communities. It’s low-tech, DIY and offers space for revelry. German Premiere

Sister Mantos Last Night (Mirror Mirror Remix) 3.23 Video directed and edited by David Riley Photography by Benjamin Gallardo Set design by R. Kelsey Hall Shrimp headgear by Andytoad

Meow Meow Calamares 3.43 Slimy octopus dream sequence. Remember: You always eat the ones you love. Starring Candy Flip, camera by Theo Meow

Star Kim (aka Cho Mihee, aka Kimura Byol, aka Nathalie Lemoine) 2017-bap-bob Gender fluid made of bap (cooked rice) juice… bibiming (mixing) bap for bob … who is gender fluid. 1.40 World Premiere

Natalie Valencia Gluttony 1.26 World Premiere

Jacqueline Mary and Violette Dentata Girl with the Most Cake 1.13 Two femmes get wild with cake.

Cybee Bloss Squirt 30 seconds World Premiere

Sarah Hill and Hayley Morgenstern Eat THAT! Poison Apple 9.24 In Hayley Morgenstein’s performance of Snow White’s poison scene, she feasts instead of sleeps, gluttonously eating not one but several apples. My version of Snow White gorges herself on Poison Apples, gnashing and gnawing them into pieces, obliterating her potential destruction, letting apple pieces and juices stream out of her mouth, rendered defective, void of power. This gesture activates my own feminist refusal to be saved; to reject the position of having-to-be-saved, or participate in the heteronormative economy of “saving” European Premiere

AORTA films MILLK BURLESQUE 4.03 In MILLK BURLESQUE, Parts Authority, Erykah Ohms, and Ginny Woolf ceremonially edge us towards The OH Files’ climatic money shot. Honoring their cyborg sexualities with the consumption of MILLK (a white viscus substance used to fuel their post-human transition) the three begin to bend time with their erotic power, letting the wet, white viscosity flow freely forward, splashing down their bodies and dripping from their mouths. World Premiere

TOTAL 50.22

My performance work Guardian was in a book called Desire Change and in a talk. Photo by Lisa Graves. This image was taken at a contemporary art lecture at Concordia University in Montreal by Heather Davis. photo Christeen Francis.

  ————————————————————————————————————————————

In new news Future Visions is in the Queer Arts Festival this June! And we are looking for new submissions if you or someone you know would like to make a minute future prediction by video and upload it to Vimeo or Youtube.

————————————————————————————————————————————

Here is my newest submission call for this year’s 5 brand new video and performance art curations. Please check out the fb event here. I am curating with and alongside wonderful organizations and people again this year!

  Over the holidays I paid all the artists from last year who screened in the Berlin series I curated –  115 international video artists! I have transferred all the grant money out to these talented individuals. Thank you for being part of this epic project and to the Senatsverwaltung für Kultur und Europa for this amazing funding for all of us.

For my relaxed New Year’s Resolution I will be creating a video performance series with trees and plants. I wish to take some sacred time to be more still and intimate with and in nature. Follow me on instagram to enjoy this video series shot by myself and close friends.  I am going back to my performance art roots and building on ecosexual and earth art projects from the past that I created in the United States between 2011-2015.

  Venice, Berlin, Amsterdam! I had a very busy end of summer pulling together the giant annual fundraiser Witch Rave…

[addictionfreedom]

Addiction Treatment Melbourne

Contents

6. local recovery meetings

. riverside clinic

Melbourne opiate drug

Include residential treatment

Commonly Abused Drugs in Melbourne, FL; 4. Substance Abuse Hotlines; 5. Melbourne Drug and Alcohol Detox Centers; 6. local recovery meetings Near You …

Call now 1-800-304-2219. The following article is will help you find treatments for drug and alcohol addiction in Melbourne, Florida.

Located in Melbourne, The Hader Clinic offers a range of solution-based programs for those There is no "one size fits all" approach to drug and alcohol addiction treatment, and each client's particular…

MELBOURNE — Opera stars Dean Peterson and … will benefit the Jeremy Weiss Memorial Foundation, which helps with the treatment and prevention of adolescent drug and alcohol addiction in Brevard and I…

Currently, there is no effective medication to treat addiction to ice, and this is a significant barrier for users seeking treatment. The main form of … with trial sites in Wollongong, Geelong and M…

The Hader Clinic: Melbourne drug rehabilitation centre was established in 1998 to provide drug addiction treatment and programs that are proven to work.

May 19, 2018 … Drug addiction is not something that can be overcome alone. riverside clinic has been established as a safe haven for individuals to …

Drug Addiction Treatment in Melbourne, Victoria. For those who suffer from addiction to illicit drugs, it can feel as if the ability to control one's life has become elusive. Everything loses its value when…

May 25, 2018 … While she has a permanent reminder of her addiction due to losing her fingers, … An Adelaide trial of a new ice treatment program is up to six times more … western suburbs, south-east Melbourne and north Queensland.

90, 60 & 30 day recovery programs. Incorporating a 12 step program. Extensive counselling to remain clean and sober for life. Located in Geelong Victoria.

The Cabin Chiang Mai is the most respected addiction treatment rehab in Asia. Located in a beautiful area of Thailand with a very high success rate, get help …

Find Opiate Drug Detox Treatment Centers in Melbourne, Brevard County, Florida, get help from melbourne opiate drug Detox Rehab for Opiate Drug Detox …

He said Ask Izzy was free and anonymous, and included more than 350,000 services including housing, meals, health care, counselling, legal advice and addiction treatment … grants also went to the Un…

(Medical Xpress) — The University of Queensland researchers are seeking to identify … of the courts to force addicted individuals into treatment and proposals to trial deep brain stimulation to tre…

Addiction Treatment Centers Mississippi “A big part of this ride is for more people to know about the Rehab Center and our services … and early intervention free of charge to people of all ages in Northeast Mississippi. Suboxone Treatment Agreement ICHS Suboxone Treatment FAQs. What is Suboxone? Suboxone is an FDA-approved medicine that helps people who want to

Shaw Psychology provides addiction counselling and treatment without judgement and in complete confidentiality at our Melbourne CBD and Bulleen locations.

The Hader Clinic is a private rehab centre in Melbourne specialising in drug and alcohol addiction treatment. We offer result-proven inpatient and outpatient …

addiction … drastically aiding the treatment method and producing daily life following rehab a great deal less difficult for everyone. Family members Software Seasons is affiliated using the Hader C…

The signs or symptoms of a drug addiction include: uising drugs to cope emotionally, neglecting work and social responsibilities.

Drug Addiction Treatment Program. Are drugs or alcohol becoming a problem in your life? Are you worried about someone's drug or alcohol use?

Find intervention services, detox centers, and drug addiction rehab programs in Melbourne, . Extensive listings include residential treatment and outpatient …

Crystal Meth Experiences Once methamphetamine is introduced into the system you can experience an …… This will be day two for me, I snort crystal meth I have been experiencing … Credit: Shutterstock The use of cheap and potent crystal methamphetamine (meth … For gay and queer men who use meth, the motivations are complex and often rooted in

From suffering from addiction to weight issues, we can make sure you have access to the most in silence, with hypnotherapy technique we'll make sure you'll get the kind of treatment Melbourne…

Alcohol and Drug Addiction is treatable and recovery is possible Started by doctors, the Arrow Health program is the most comprehensive in Australia.

With four of our featured treatment centers nearby, Melbourne is a great place to recover from addiction. Learn about resources near the Space Coast.

This debate is now raging in Melbourne. Drug consumption rooms enable people … increase referral to health and social services including detoxification and drug addiction treatment and reduce public …

PowerPoint Slideshow about 'Sex Addiction Treatment Melbourne' – DrSquirrell. An Image/Link below is provided (as is) to download presentation.

Following his 8th term serving in the U.S. Congress, Kennedy has become a leading advocate for increased Mental Health & Addiction treatment coverage in the … MDBIF), headquartered in Melbourne, Aus…

Melbourne Drug Rehab programs can help those addicted to drugs and alcohol through various community and state-mandated efforts.

Jul 31, 2017 … Victoria's specialist alcohol and other drug treatment services are available to all Victorians regardless of where they live. Around 40,000 …

Alcohol Treatment Programme. Drug Addiction Treatment. The Cabin understands that when it comes to successful, lifelong recovery, addiction treatment is just the beginning.

All programs focus on behavioural and psychological underlying factors to a person's addiction allowing the person to take responsibility for their own recovery …

Cone snail venom could lead to better detection and treatment of some cancers and addictions … schizophrenia, tobacco addiction and lung cancer." Dr Clark said the activation of one type of nAChR re…

The Riverside Clinic, Melbourne is an addiction treatment centre that creates unique holistic treatment plans for individuals who are facing heroin addiction and other types of substance abuse.

Dual Diagnosis Treatment Centers Nyc For more on the dual diagnosis of … to American Addiction Centers, adults who struggle with alcohol abuse are 5-10 times more likely to have ADHD than the general population. And up to a quarter (25 … The CDC study found the number of patients discharged from North Carolina hospitals with a dual diagnosis of

Cone snail venom could lead to better detection and treatment of some cancers and addictions … schizophrenia, tobacco addiction and lung cancer." Dr Clark said the activation of one type of nAChR re…

He is an addiction specialist working in Melbourne and the President of the … The introduction of needle exchange and metha…

Addiction Treatment Planner 4th Edition critical aspect of patient engagement and treatment planning and should be ….. The fourth edition of the DSM (DSM-IV)1, described two Substance Use Disorder  … Heroin Addiction Treatment Treating an addiction to heroin usually involves therapy, medication, support groups and lifestyle changes. These treatments are available at both inpatient and outpatient treatment centers. Even celebrities

Addiction Treatment in Melbourne, Florida. Sometimes, after graduating from a 30- or 60-day residential treatment center, people report feelings of confusion, alienation…

Is severe addiction to heroin or opiates such as Lortab, OxyContin, Morphine, Hydrocodone, Lorcet, or taking a toll on your relationships, family life, or job?

He was working at a Melbourne rehab aligned with the 12-step program and … Now, he’s launched the automated six-week Jekyll …

Confidential alcohol and drug counselling and referral in Victoria Australia. Talk to us … DirectLine offers counselling and referral to specialist treatment services.

Drug Rehab and Alcohol Treatment in Melbourne, Florida. Melbourne, Florida, is an ideal location to overcome addiction and maintain sobriety.

Overcome Pornography Addiction Treatment Melbourne. No two courses of treatment are the same so your duration will depend entirely on you and on the progress you and your therapist make…

[ouraidengray4]

Why I Think Porn Is (Extra) Important for Women of Color

It's 2018, and most progressive-thinking people recognize that porn can be great. But it might be even better than we thought—especially for women of color hoping to figure out some stuff.

New research published in the Journal of Sexuality and Culture found that porn is useful in helping women explore their sexual interests. According to the study, women who watched porn were more likely to embrace sex, and in addition to being more in touch with their sexuality (no pun intended—OK, maybe some pun intended), women who watched porn were more likely to use the internet to find community with other women who did the same.

EDITOR'S PICK

The benefits of these actions can't be overstated: We live in a society that predominantly discourages sexual expression unless it's for the benefit of male partners. But finding community with other women who embrace their sexuality can allow women to develop sexual relationships in which they can present their authentic selves, instead of bending to fit into narrow categories of acceptable expression. This can be especially true for women of color.

But why is this issue connected to race? Limitations on women's sexuality aren't limited exclusively to Black women: For generations, women have been bound to others' sexual expectations. This struggle affects all women—but as usual, our statuses affect how these expectations are expressed, and women of color, especially Black women, still face disproportionately greater restrictions on their sexuality.

Alicia Wallace, a gender rights activist and public educator, explains that the history of misogynoir—or misogyny directed toward Black women—has negatively impacted Black women's sexual expression. Wallace notes that our sexual identities are further complicated by the fact that we are aware of how our past has led to the struggles we continue to contend with today.

"We're fully aware of the ways our bodies have been used for the gratification of others—for example, as sex slaves and wet nurses," Wallace says. "It often feels as though we have only two options: The first is to actively fight against sexual objectification by hiding our bodies, refusing to talk about sex, and putting other parts of our humanity and personalities in the center of our beings and presentations of ourselves, often to the exclusion—and possible detriment—of our sexuality."

Alternatively, she says, the other option is to take control of our own sexual image and define it for ourselves before anyone else has the chance to.

"We're in a complicated situation, fighting for the right and the comfort to do what we want today while acknowledging the distance we've covered and the oppression we still face," Wallace says. "This is true in online dating—where racism masquerades as a fetish—as well as in the artists we love putting people like us on display specifically for the male gaze."

So what can porn and sexual exploration mean for women of color?

Is it possible that porn might offer the same—or even greater—benefits to those of us burdened by chronic racism? According to the experts, the answer is yes—this expression of sexuality might even be exceptionally important for women of color.

"Porn can be a great way to safely explore and normalize sexual behaviors that you're interested in," says Cameron Glover, sex columnist and sex educator. "A lot of people can be turned on by visuals, and porn is one of the most accessible means of being stimulated in that way. I think for WOC and non-binary folks, porn is another tool that you can add to your sexuality arsenal."

Black women need the space to explore and normalize sexual behaviors, and porn is a safe place to do this. Black women, in particular, are often limited from discussing wants and desires in social spaces, especially concerning more taboo sexual topics. Sexual repression—especially when compounded with the pressure of systemic oppression—can become exhausting.

In 2016, feminist studies scholar Mireille Miller-Young made a study of the history of African-American women in pornography, delving into archives of pornographic material and interviewing porn stars. She argues that despite the history of oppression, pornography has also been a resistance tool against both the racist and sexist views that hold down Black female sexuality.

Porn can help women of color explore their own desires.

Patrice Thomas, 28, started using porn to explore her sexuality at the age of 18 when her aunt suggested she use it to learn more about sex. "I didn't have sex education in school or at home, but I was curious about sex. I wanted to know what it looked like and how it worked."

Watching porn helped her discover that she didn't fit into the fundamentalist religious household she was brought up in. "I grew up under the assumption that I'm heterosexual and was startled to find myself aroused by the female form and get off on watching female pleasure. I don't claim a bisexual identity, but I don't consider myself entirely straight, either," she says.

In the Black community, religion and spirituality are very important. While that cultural custom might be a wonderful coping mechanism when searching for the strength to deal with systemic oppression, it often conflicts with healthy sexual development. Traditional Christian doctrine has conservative views on sexual expression, exploration, and sexual orientation—especially for women. This can discourage many Black women, like Thomas, from prioritizing sexuality.

Watching sex online gives us the chance to explore topics we might not be comfortable discussing in public—even with friends. This is particularly important for women of color because expectations about who we are and how we are allowed to express sexuality limit our access to exploration in real life. If you are like Thomas and hail from a background that gives specific instructions for how you are expected to perform Black womanhood, there is relief in porn.

Porn can be a form of self-care.

Day after day, Black women experience racialized sexism that weighs heavily on both our mental and physical health. For us, there is often no refuge from the oppression of the patriarchy or the stress associated with racism, and these experiences lead to a heightened need for self-care and self-love. At times, the pressure of living life as a marginalized individual becomes so much that checking in this way can be extremely important.

For Monica Smith, 26, porn has been an outlet to explore her sexuality and promote self-acceptance. "I think giving myself space, time, and love to do this on my own terms—without judgment—has been emotionally, physically, and mentally freeing," she says. "It's helped me accept myself, my identity, and my sexuality, and I've grown to accept and love myself so much more. I never realized how important it is, but it's vital—especially if you want to be intimate with others."

EDITOR'S PICK

"I think porn can open a new world," Wallace says. "It can make imagination possible, especially for people who have had limited sexual experience. It's a means to consider other ways of being sexual and intimate without having to practice, or feeling vulnerable with someone else."

However, many WOC are unsure about the best way to ease into porn. If you're thinking about it, consider starting small. "I started out watching GIFs on Tumblr and slowly graduated to videos. I keep a bookmark file of my favorites called 'petit mort,'" Thomas jokes.

Finding porn that doesn't suck for women—especially women of color—can be difficult.

Once we overcome the pre-conditioned guilt associated with watching porn, women may find another barrier: A lot of pornographic content is aimed pretty exclusively at a male audience. "There are so many different types of porn, and many interpretations and understandings of the material. Much of it seems to subjugate women, even when we seem to be in power—the performance aspect of porn feeds masculinity, from the positions to the sounds," Wallace says.

Thankfully, there are subcategories and communities to provide women with more direct access to better-tailored content. Terms like the quickly-multiplying "Porn for Women" tag lead the way to videos that tend to be less male-centered. "When the only videos I could find were anal or incest/rape, I spent a lot of time googling 'free ethical porn' and found a subreddit of links that women vet and share with descriptions and reviews," Thomas says.

Of course, there are downsides to porn when it comes to the sexual identity development for women of color. The phrasing of porn categories can be reflective of stereotypes that are harmful: Just like in the real world, the pornography industry limits the range of acceptable scenes of individuals of color.

"In mainstream porn, fetishization is still how many people of color are allowed space," Glover says. "You see a similar overlay with how trans bodies are hyper-consumed when they are allowed to exist in porn, and representation for gender nonconforming individuals is still largely nonexistent.

But I think this is definitely improving as more independent porn options, like CrashPadSeries, are becoming more available," says Glover, referring to a porn site that offers porn for queer individuals of all genders and orientation. They prioritize ethical consumption and dissemination of material along with advocating safe sex, ethnic diversity, equal pay, and comfort for their contributors. While these kinds of sites are few and far between, they can provide a framework for prioritizing sexual identity development for individuals overlooked in traditional porn.

But it's worth it—for developing your own sexual identity (and sex with your partner too).

For many WOC, porn has been the only tool available to explore what we do and don't like sexually in a safe way. Black women have often been portrayed as insatiable, hypersexual beings. In an attempt to help us, our families often restricted sexual expression through messages about good Black girls not being "fast." Those messages about the strict boxes Black women must fit into remove our ability to connect with those around us without shame, but when seen in private, porn offers a bit of refuge from the stigma of sexuality for Black women.

There are many obstacles on the path to healthy sexual identities for women of color. Some of them are common to all women and taught through cultural influencers like religion; others are personalized through oppressive histories and exclusion. Unfortunately, the world isn't going to change so we can accept ourselves—but many Black women have decided that we aren't going to be limited by the metaphorical chains others apply to our sexuality.

The good news is, women are watching more porn than ever. According to PornHub's 2017 end of the year review, the term "Porn for Women," saw a 359 percent increase over the last year. And when porn is helping, it can help show us what we might be open to—and what we would absolutely not consider in real life. Porn is also a great place to explore possibilities that we may want to attempt in real life with our partners, such as kinks, fetishes, positions, accessories, and additional people, Thomas says.

In order to ensure sexual education considers the struggles and cultural concerns we face, Black women are founding their own sexual curriculums and networks, and becoming sex educators, which is helping create more conversation around sex—and porn—in our community. Despite being a nonconventional tool, porn shows a lot of promise as we choose how we will portray our sexual identities. It provides an unrivaled opportunity for women of color to test the boundaries of sex and interest with risks. And once we have established those boundaries and found empowerment, no one will ever remove our freedom again.

A. Rochaun Meadows-Fernandez is a diversity content specialist who produces materials relating to mental and physical health, sociology, and parenting. Her work can be seen on several national platforms. Check her out on Facebook and Twitter.

from Greatist RSS http://ift.tt/2oDqnyc Why I Think Porn Is (Extra) Important for Women of Color Greatist RSS from HEALTH BUZZ http://ift.tt/2GT7cIi

[foursprout-blog]

Why I Think Porn Is (Extra) Important for Women of Color

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/health/why-i-think-porn-is-extra-important-for-women-of-color/

Why I Think Porn Is (Extra) Important for Women of Color

It’s 2018, and most progressive-thinking people recognize that porn can be great. But it might be even better than we thought—especially for women of color hoping to figure out some stuff.

New research published in the Journal of Sexuality and Culture found that porn is useful in helping women explore their sexual interests. According to the study, women who watched porn were more likely to embrace sex, and in addition to being more in touch with their sexuality (no pun intended—OK, maybe some pun intended), women who watched porn were more likely to use the internet to find community with other women who did the same.

EDITOR’S PICK

displayTitle

The benefits of these actions can’t be overstated: We live in a society that predominantly discourages sexual expression unless it’s for the benefit of male partners. But finding community with other women who embrace their sexuality can allow women to develop sexual relationships in which they can present their authentic selves, instead of bending to fit into narrow categories of acceptable expression. This can be especially true for women of color.

But why is this issue connected to race? Limitations on women’s sexuality aren’t limited exclusively to Black women: For generations, women have been bound to others’ sexual expectations. This struggle affects all women—but as usual, our statuses affect how these expectations are expressed, and women of color, especially Black women, still face disproportionately greater restrictions on their sexuality.

Alicia Wallace, a gender rights activist and public educator, explains that the history of misogynoir—or misogyny directed toward Black women—has negatively impacted Black women’s sexual expression. Wallace notes that our sexual identities are further complicated by the fact that we are aware of how our past has led to the struggles we continue to contend with today.

“We’re fully aware of the ways our bodies have been used for the gratification of others—for example, as sex slaves and wet nurses,” Wallace says. “It often feels as though we have only two options: The first is to actively fight against sexual objectification by hiding our bodies, refusing to talk about sex, and putting other parts of our humanity and personalities in the center of our beings and presentations of ourselves, often to the exclusion—and possible detriment—of our sexuality.”

Alternatively, she says, the other option is to take control of our own sexual image and define it for ourselves before anyone else has the chance to.

“We’re in a complicated situation, fighting for the right and the comfort to do what we want today while acknowledging the distance we’ve covered and the oppression we still face,” Wallace says. “This is true in online dating—where racism masquerades as a fetish—as well as in the artists we love putting people like us on display specifically for the male gaze.”

So what can porn and sexual exploration mean for women of color?

Is it possible that porn might offer the same—or even greater—benefits to those of us burdened by chronic racism? According to the experts, the answer is yes—this expression of sexuality might even be exceptionally important for women of color.

“Porn can be a great way to safely explore and normalize sexual behaviors that you’re interested in,” says Cameron Glover, sex columnist and sex educator. “A lot of people can be turned on by visuals, and porn is one of the most accessible means of being stimulated in that way. I think for WOC and non-binary folks, porn is another tool that you can add to your sexuality arsenal.”

Black women need the space to explore and normalize sexual behaviors, and porn is a safe place to do this. Black women, in particular, are often limited from discussing wants and desires in social spaces, especially concerning more taboo sexual topics. Sexual repression—especially when compounded with the pressure of systemic oppression—can become exhausting.

In 2016, feminist studies scholar Mireille Miller-Young made a study of the history of African-American women in pornography, delving into archives of pornographic material and interviewing porn stars. She argues that despite the history of oppression, pornography has also been a resistance tool against both the racist and sexist views that hold down Black female sexuality.

Porn can help women of color explore their own desires.

Patrice Thomas, 28, started using porn to explore her sexuality at the age of 18 when her aunt suggested she use it to learn more about sex. “I didn’t have sex education in school or at home, but I was curious about sex. I wanted to know what it looked like and how it worked.”

Watching porn helped her discover that she didn’t fit into the fundamentalist religious household she was brought up in. “I grew up under the assumption that I’m heterosexual and was startled to find myself aroused by the female form and get off on watching female pleasure. I don’t claim a bisexual identity, but I don’t consider myself entirely straight, either,” she says.

In the Black community, religion and spirituality are very important. While that cultural custom might be a wonderful coping mechanism when searching for the strength to deal with systemic oppression, it often conflicts with healthy sexual development. Traditional Christian doctrine has conservative views on sexual expression, exploration, and sexual orientation—especially for women. This can discourage many Black women, like Thomas, from prioritizing sexuality.

Watching sex online gives us the chance to explore topics we might not be comfortable discussing in public—even with friends. This is particularly important for women of color because expectations about who we are and how we are allowed to express sexuality limit our access to exploration in real life. If you are like Thomas and hail from a background that gives specific instructions for how you are expected to perform Black womanhood, there is relief in porn.

Porn can be a form of self-care.

Day after day, Black women experience racialized sexism that weighs heavily on both our mental and physical health. For us, there is often no refuge from the oppression of the patriarchy or the stress associated with racism, and these experiences lead to a heightened need for self-care and self-love. At times, the pressure of living life as a marginalized individual becomes so much that checking in this way can be extremely important.

For Monica Smith, 26, porn has been an outlet to explore her sexuality and promote self-acceptance. “I think giving myself space, time, and love to do this on my own terms—without judgment—has been emotionally, physically, and mentally freeing,” she says. “It’s helped me accept myself, my identity, and my sexuality, and I’ve grown to accept and love myself so much more. I never realized how important it is, but it’s vital—especially if you want to be intimate with others.”

EDITOR’S PICK

displayTitle

“I think porn can open a new world,” Wallace says. “It can make imagination possible, especially for people who have had limited sexual experience. It’s a means to consider other ways of being sexual and intimate without having to practice, or feeling vulnerable with someone else.”

However, many WOC are unsure about the best way to ease into porn. If you’re thinking about it, consider starting small. “I started out watching GIFs on Tumblr and slowly graduated to videos. I keep a bookmark file of my favorites called ‘petit mort,'” Thomas jokes.

Finding porn that doesn’t suck for women—especially women of color—can be difficult.

Once we overcome the pre-conditioned guilt associated with watching porn, women may find another barrier: A lot of pornographic content is aimed pretty exclusively at a male audience. “There are so many different types of porn, and many interpretations and understandings of the material. Much of it seems to subjugate women, even when we seem to be in power—the performance aspect of porn feeds masculinity, from the positions to the sounds,” Wallace says.

Thankfully, there are subcategories and communities to provide women with more direct access to better-tailored content. Terms like the quickly-multiplying “Porn for Women” tag lead the way to videos that tend to be less male-centered. “When the only videos I could find were anal or incest/rape, I spent a lot of time googling ‘free ethical porn’ and found a subreddit of links that women vet and share with descriptions and reviews,” Thomas says.

Of course, there are downsides to porn when it comes to the sexual identity development for women of color. The phrasing of porn categories can be reflective of stereotypes that are harmful: Just like in the real world, the pornography industry limits the range of acceptable scenes of individuals of color.

“In mainstream porn, fetishization is still how many people of color are allowed space,” Glover says. “You see a similar overlay with how trans bodies are hyper-consumed when they are allowed to exist in porn, and representation for gender nonconforming individuals is still largely nonexistent.

But I think this is definitely improving as more independent porn options, like CrashPadSeries, are becoming more available,” says Glover, referring to a porn site that offers porn for queer individuals of all genders and orientation. They prioritize ethical consumption and dissemination of material along with advocating safe sex, ethnic diversity, equal pay, and comfort for their contributors. While these kinds of sites are few and far between, they can provide a framework for prioritizing sexual identity development for individuals overlooked in traditional porn.

But it’s worth it—for developing your own sexual identity (and sex with your partner too).

For many WOC, porn has been the only tool available to explore what we do and don’t like sexually in a safe way. Black women have often been portrayed as insatiable, hypersexual beings. In an attempt to help us, our families often restricted sexual expression through messages about good Black girls not being “fast.” Those messages about the strict boxes Black women must fit into remove our ability to connect with those around us without shame, but when seen in private, porn offers a bit of refuge from the stigma of sexuality for Black women.

There are many obstacles on the path to healthy sexual identities for women of color. Some of them are common to all women and taught through cultural influencers like religion; others are personalized through oppressive histories and exclusion. Unfortunately, the world isn’t going to change so we can accept ourselves—but many Black women have decided that we aren’t going to be limited by the metaphorical chains others apply to our sexuality.

The good news is, women are watching more porn than ever. According to PornHub’s 2017 end of the year review, the term “Porn for Women,” saw a 359 percent increase over the last year. And when porn is helping, it can help show us what we might be open to—and what we would absolutely not consider in real life. Porn is also a great place to explore possibilities that we may want to attempt in real life with our partners, such as kinks, fetishes, positions, accessories, and additional people, Thomas says.

In order to ensure sexual education considers the struggles and cultural concerns we face, Black women are founding their own sexual curriculums and networks, and becoming sex educators, which is helping create more conversation around sex—and porn—in our community. Despite being a nonconventional tool, porn shows a lot of promise as we choose how we will portray our sexual identities. It provides an unrivaled opportunity for women of color to test the boundaries of sex and interest with risks. And once we have established those boundaries and found empowerment, no one will ever remove our freedom again.

A. Rochaun Meadows-Fernandez is a diversity content specialist who produces materials relating to mental and physical health, sociology, and parenting. Her work can be seen on several national platforms. Check her out on Facebook and Twitter.