#frederick deserves better my god

[transbianmuffin]

Memories pt. 2

cw hopefully last transphobia, slurs, ptsd, bullism, death

********

[Sergeant] "Ok you bunch of pussies. In two hours we will make contact with the weed vessel. I want to see them burn. I want to know if they can scream and how high. No mercy, no POW. This is the day for which you've trained your whole life and..."

"Those wouldn't be POWs..."

[Frederick] "Oh my fucking god."

[Neil] "Told you that she wants to be fucked by weeds."

[Sergeant] "I'm sorry princess, my terminology doesn't appeal to your taste? You're right. Those weeds wouldn't be POWs. Those are fucking monsters that deserve to die."

"What I meant is that there is no war. They already won it...that's why we are the 'resistance' right?"

[Frederick] "Weed-fucker..."

[Sergeant] "You leave me no choice. You've crossed the line one last time, princess. You are exonerated from this mission. You will wait in the ship..."

[Frederick] "Yeah even because, can you imagine her actually shooting? She will start to cry and miss at best., if not hitting at us"

[Sergeant] "...and when we are back you can say good bye to your meds forever. I don't fucking care about the doctor's orders or whatever. I WILL make you a warrior. I don't care how much I have to BREAK you."

I don't care.

I hate you.

I hate you all.

We could be at peace and you strive for war again and again and again.

********

"Who would ever thought that those memories were so rooted within her that even Class-B would fail. I hope the variant that Psylocra gave me will work better."

"M- Mist..."

"Sleep my floret. Sleep. I'm here, everything is fine."

"I kil- I killed t-"

"Hush my beloved. You didn't do anything, those nightmares aren't real. You've always been with me, remember? I found you on a field of tulips and I've never left you. Now make your Mistress happy and sleep."

"I- happy... I goo- floret."

"You are the best floret an Affini could ever wish for, Deena."

********

Smoke.

Smoke everywhere.

Mask.

Fuck fuck what did I do fuck fuck shit oh god oh god oh god

Air.

I need air.

I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die I don't want to die

...

...

...

Light?

Where am I?

An Affini what the hell god it's eerie I'm scared I'm scared fuck fuck fuck

"Hello little terran, do you remeber your name?"

"Y- yes, I'm Deena."

"Mh, this doesn't seem correct. Oh wait. Yes it is. Roots you terrans really have to format your documentation better.

If that's your actual name why is it's only stated in a footnote?"

"I- "

My god she's so tall towering imposing and her stare I'm scared fuck fuck fuck

"It doens't matter. Now little terran, I have a most troublesome situation for which I think your help would be extremely valuable and much needed. Would you want to help me untangle this little mistery?"

"W- where..."

"Where are you? Oh yes, sorry. You are safe with us, with me. You have nothing to fear or worry about."

"..."

"I know that trust is a hard thing to concede for you little ones. So I'll introduce myself first and after that I'd love for you to do the same.

I am Sinea Chloratea, second bloom. I am a senior investigator officer for the Affini Compact dispatch in the Jupiter area. I don't mean any harm to you. In fact I find you extremely cute.

Your turn, dear."

"I- I am Deena. I am. I am. Scared."

"That's understandable, darling. Let me help you a bit here.

One day ago an unidentified terran vessel literaly crashed against one of our vessels.

A vessel which was carrying a very important scientist of ours. Now the terran vessel was more than expected. You are so cute when you think that our intelligence can't break through your, hehe, 'encrypted' communications.

Fact is that the vessel crashed against ours, we were expecting eight terrans, pretty well equipped trying to breach our hull and break in, but..."

"B-but?"

"But nothing happened. So, after a while, WE had to break in.

Now here's the funny part: a pretty thick smoke had oversaturated the inner cabin and we found seven corpses lying around.

All of them armed and presumably ready to attack.

We also found a curious amount of triggered smoke grenades.

Seven death terrans. We expected eight."

"Y-yes."

"Yes and we found the eight one. We found you lying almost lifeless, with a gas mask on. The only one with a gas mask on."

"I- "

"My dear, you seem pretty stressed. Maybe you want something to relax? Here, you can drink it if you want it. I promise it's nothing harmful, it will just... help with the memories."

Water?

No.

One of their drugs.

Don't care, I'm probably already dead.

I'm thirsty at least if I'm dying I will be high as fuck.

"Yes, good girl. Now I would love to hear this story from your point of view. Could you do that for me?"

Dizzy I feel so dizzy I must tell her no she's an Affini I must she seems so kind so kind finally kindness finally finally finally peace

"I killed them I killed them all they were cruel with me I never wanted to join them but I was an orphan I had nowhere to go and they took me in they treated me bad so I killed them I killed them all they wanted to kill you but I killed them I- I- I- I want kindness."

"Kindness? Oh I can certainly provide that. Stars you poor thing went through a lot. You don't deserve that, as cute as you are. You did good in telling me, you've been a good girl."

A good girl yes thank you thank you thank you finally kindness finally kindness

"Now, you're doing a wonderful job here, dear.

Unfortunately I need a last bit of information.

We understand that your vessel, well, former vessel central command control was connected to a bigger intranet. We could break the encription key but it'd take at least a couple of days and it's all wasted time, I think you can understand that.

"Yes. You need the key."

"I don't really need it but I'd like to not waste time, and besides it will prove that you truly are a good girl. A very cute one, I may say."

I am a good girl, yes yes thank you thank you thank you good girl I am a good girl

"The oldest one the Sergeant he had an implant behind his left eye that implant contains a genetic password that will grant you access to the rebel intranet I know it please please please tell te- sorry it's a bit hard to think straight.."

"Tell what?"

Tell me I'm a good girl tell me I'm a good girl tell me I'm a good girl tell me I'm a good girl tell me I'm a good girl tell me I'm a good girl

"..."

"My dear you're safe here, you can trust me, tell what?"

"T- tell me I'm a good girl."

"Oh sweetie. You are the goodest of the girls."

"..."

"Are you crying? Dirt, you are so extremely cute. Now you've sustained pretty big injuries to both your respiratory and limbic system. Nothing we can't take care of obviously and we will take care of you. Great care of you. You'll need some more time resting here in the xeno infirmary..."

"Th- thank you."

"...no need to thank me, little one. It's me who's thanking you. You've been so good.

I was saying: when you're done here would you mind to spend some time with me? I'd love to show you around our main vessel."

"Yes, yes please."

"Such a good girl. Rest now, soon we'll be together again."

Finally kindess finally peace

********

[bubblergoespop]

My Top Sam Quotes

i love me some cowboy ♡ yeehaw and all that

“You’re a werewolf, not a damn tank, what the hell were you thinking?”

“I want you comfortable. What that looks like, you tell me.”

“Oh god, don’t call the 90’s vintage, you’re gonna give me a complex.”

“Don’t you whistle like that at me you smartmouth, this ain’t anything you haven’t seen. I am not blushing. I don’t blush.”

“Mr. Shaw.”

“You’re a big softie under it all too. Boop.”

“You don’t have to keep the armor up tonight. The fighting’s done. You can just rest. I got you, Darlin.”

“You’re my heart, Darlin’.”

“Oh you hush, of course that got my heart speeding up again. Wiseass.”

“Have some popcorn, it’ll soothe you.”

“Matter of fact, yes, I do know how to get food delivered nowadays. Do you know what the inside of a grocery store looks like?”

“Yeah yeah, I’m a mother-hen, what else is new?”

“Don’t worry, if the shock takes you out, I’ll be sure to catch you.”

“You feel like home, Darlin’.”

“It’s a Vamp’s favorite season. Well, my actual favorite season’s Fall, but you get me.”

“That’s for strangers. We can be as mean to family as we damn-well please.”

“How do you wanna do this? You wanna ride your cowb- you little-“

“You feel like sunlight on an easy day. That warmth and that comfort. Gentle and all around.”

“You like that? You gonna be good for me?”

“Hey. Look at me. Please.”

“Yeah, you’re awful put-upon. Your mate’s a heartless old curmudgeon who wants his arm rest.”

“No. No, I’m not falling asleep. Couldn’t be me. I’d never do such a thing.”

“Your vampiric pillow awaits.”

“Hey. Jokes aside. You do make sense, Darlin. Just cause some people don’t wanna put in the work to understand why doesn’t mean you don’t.”

“What the hell do you have against flannel? It’s efficient.”

“Oh I’m sure. My big bad wolf certainly would never get tired after a completely understandably draining day,”

“Tell me how you look so damn good right after waking up. Bullshit. You look heavenly.”

“You know better than me that if you don’t answer that goofball he’s just gonna keep calling.”

“Man’s gotta point. [smack] Ow.”

“Make it two.”

“I’m an equal opportunist shit-stirrer once you make the mistake of getting close to me.”

“You keep that up and I'll buy a walker just so I can beat your ass with it.”

“I didn’t realize those were our names, I thought he was drawing pictures…”

“Who you calling an underdog, pup?”

“Oh, so I’m a flop now?”

“Want some chocolate? It might soothe you.”

“Darlin’ what the hell is an Igglybump?”

“Play nice. I know you can even if you don’t like to.”

“Being so good for me. Wait until I tell ya.”

“So what if I am soft for you? You deserve soft.”

“I am not charming. I’m a moody curmudgeon, and I like it that way, thank you very much.”

“When I’m with you, my brain takes up shop in the wrong head.”

“Keep his name out of your fucking mouth.”

“I’ve got you. Tears aren’t ‘stupid’, Darlin’. They’re human. You don’t have to hold back any part of yourself with me.“

“[punch] That’s for Frederick. [punch] That’s for his Progeny. [punch] And that’s for me.”

“The only thing that makes the two of you worse hellions than you already are is when you put your scheming heads together on something.”

“I’m practically a glorified backpack”

“I want you moving like this in a different position. Mmhmm. How did you put it back in the day? ‘Riding your cowboy’?”

“You’re so damn beautiful. You are.”

“My big bad wolf. I get to say that without getting hit nowadays? My, the times are a-changing.”

“Look. You can call me every version of ‘cowboy’ you want, but you keep ‘duke’ just locked up in that pretty head of yours, you got it?”

“It’s a fancy dick-swinging contest with a side of hors d’oeuvres.”

“Vincent. You’re my family, and I love you, so please don’t take this the wrong way, but four years ago when he was still around, you were just as much of a pain in the ass to be around most of the time.”

“What you and me got is stronger than any of this bullshit the world throws at us. Even if the world’s got a hell of an arm, lately.”

“Brown. My eyes were brown.”

“Where do you want these fangs, baby?”

[aventvrina]

What about idv? And hsr ofc

Send me a fandom -still accepting! -@halothes

Identity V

The first character I first fell in love with:  it was actually Ann ! When her trailer came out i remember seeing it on twitter and being heart eyes at her (still can't play her tho lmao) The character I never expected to love as much as I do now:  Frederick, with each update he gets better and his involvement in Ashes of Memory is so -chefs kiss- The character everyone else loves that I don’t:  Alva...I get it cause of the whole Luca lore but he's just kinda there for me tbh The character I love that everyone else hates:  Joker (surprise surprise) I know the crimes I will fight for this man, he did all the wrongs in the world and deserves all the karma he gets but that's my lil mew mew. the fandom can cry in a corner they can't handle evil men that aren't conventionally attractive The character I used to love but don’t any longer: ehhh Orpheus, it's not that i don't like him anymore but he feels so flat lately The character I would totally smooch: let me give Ithaqua a big smooch on his forehead my baby The character I’d want to be like:  My god don't wish that upon me (maybe Margaretta cause she classy) The character I’d slap:  Undead and all his mains fuck you all A pairing that I love: Anne and Ganji they need to marry, open a toy shop & live happily ever after (margejoker too but it's mostly cause simp and unattainable muse) A pairing that I despise:  I don't think there's a pairing that I hate. Maybe Antonio with Andrew? Just cause I don't get where it comes from (but then again half the fandom ships are like that so)

Honkai StarRail

The first character I first fell in love with: Serval and I am still feral about her The character I never expected to love as much as I do now:  Bronya, she grew on me specially after the most recent trailblaze mission in Belobog The character everyone else loves that I don’t: Tingyun but i blame it on the story she kinda did nothing for me i hope we get to know what's made of her tho The character I love that everyone else hates: I'm not sure she's hated but I love miss Cocolia Rand. I know she's an npc, i know she's dead (rip the queen) but that's my emotional support weekly boss battle and her fight in the main story is still the most satisfying moments in game The character I used to love but don’t any longer: I don't think i feel out of love with anyone tbh The character I would totally smooch: Aventurine ONE CHANCE PLEASE The character I’d want to be like:  Asta so I can have her bank account The character I’d slap:  Jingyuan's ass A pairing that I love: i mean the brain rot is fresh so AvenDay. But also KafkaBlade these two -grips them- A pairing that I despise:  Danheng and Blade need to stay 50 meters away from each other at all times. Idk if it was the fandom, idk if it was the quest but i really can't see them as a ship

[oh-look-another]

spoilers for pjo tv ep 8

luke’s betrayal ashkshlslajsak

annabeth was there?? she was watching the entire time?? like this is even more heartbreaking bc in the books someone told her, she got to know it second-hand but here?? her watching as the boy she had come to treat as her older brother betraying her best friend?? can’t even begin to imagine how she was feeling

we didn’t get the scorpion scene :(

backbiter can make portals!!

clarisse still looks so pretty <3

’wait your name is percy?’ mr d. what 😭

percy calling kronos ‘grandpa’!! please make this a thing in the rest of the seasons i need to see them having a serious discussion about how to defeat kronos and some mortal walking past and overhearing a bunch of teenagers plotting to kill their grandfather

the fight!! the water rising slowly behind percy and the giant wave!! u can see the tide receding and then slowly building up pressure it’s so cool!! (totally wasn’t playing son of poseidon in the background)

alecto!!

shoutout to mr d. for basically kicking out the campers who weren’t gonna stay for the rest of the term (‘the cleaning harpies will eat anyone who remains!!’)

frederick chase bringing annabeth to disney world!

idk is it just me or is hades’ helm kinda ugly (it’s probably me i do not have an eye for fashion or anything)

the betrayal again!! luke looked like he was on the verge of tears but he was trying to keep it together for percy he genuinely believes kronos is a better option he wants percy to join him he doesn’t want to hurt him

percy accidentally slicing luke and immediately apologising because he doesn’t see luke as the enemy yet, he still sees luke as his mentor, his friend; meanwhile luke lunging at percy almost immediately after getting sliced?? the parallels??

zeus raising the master bolt to strike percy?? and poseidon steeping in to save him??

’i surrender have your victory but spare my son’ (uh might not be totally accurate) oh my gods ughhhhh

sally divorcing gabe!! you go queen!!

the guy on the phone talking about law school loans haha yeah i feel you buddy

gabe trying to open the door then asking if the guy on the phone if he knows how to pick a lock.

him tearing open a package that was. clearly. not meant for him.

but him immediately turning to stone haha u deserve it gabe

imagine ur last words being ‘wow that’s gross’

luke betraying percy at the same spot he trained him at less than two weeks ago (wow was it that short)

percy bringing riptide with him to school

[alexandersimpleton]

Y'know, I ended up rereading some of the series to make something, and I'm now starting to realize that Blaine is massive d***.

Even if you exclude the gaslighting and beating of Frederick, he's a total jerk to literally everyone. He basically bullies Dandridge (I'm probably spelling that wrong), because he has a crush on a girl. He's really egotistical, and has this holier than thou attitude with almost everyone, including his own family. He is a smug d*** in the worst way possible, and I'm saying that as a proud smug jerk, so you know it's bad. He lectures everyone else, and his inflated ego just makes me angry. I have no idea how I didn't notice this on the first read, but I'm noticing it now, and I'm pissed off that this borderline narcissistic behavior gets encouraged by everyone around him for almost the whole series. You could say that the recital was him comeuppance, but after it he gets comforted by Maria like he isn't a total b****. He's just so vindictive, he has an inflated ego the size of Jupiter, and he treats everyone around him like inferiors.

And again, this is almost completely excluding his relationship with Frederick. His holier than thou attitude is blown up to monstrous proportions whenever he talks with him. He beats Frederick, calls him names, and gaslights him, while still thinking that he's some perfect angel and that Frederick is at fault for everything. He's so hypocritical with Frederick, saying horrible things to his face, and then hitting him for saying something remotely similar about Gwen. He rats Frederick to their father, who he's said himself that he doesn't feel same around, for literally no reason other than spite. He treats his own brother like a god damn cockroach and it's encouraged by the narrative. Considering all that's happening to Frederick over a single insult, I'm franky offended by how Blaine and narcissistic, self centered attitude, not only goes completely unpunished, but gets encouraged. Later in there series, when they reconnect, there is no change whatsoever from Blaine. Sure he starts kinda thinking of Frederick better, but he doesn't try to treat him any better. I mean, he doesn't treat Frederick like a cockroach anymore, but he really doesn't treat him much better. He still talked to Frederick like he's some inferior being that he has to push along. And Frederick is just expected to play along. Frederick did agree to the marriages, but I think I know how Blaine would have reacted if he didn't. Blaine would have forced two LITTERAL CHILDREN to get married and spend the rest of their lives chained together, because he's Blaine, and Blaine is the only important person on the planet and everyone are inferior being looking up to their god in hopes of guidance. "Oh, who cares that they're 17? Let's get married!" "Oh, who cares that Frederick is afraid of Gwen and flinching when she makes sudden movements? Gwen is lovely and Frederick deserves to get beaten and coerced into child marriage by his own family, and this is absolute and right because I am Blaine and I think so and I an always right and Frederick is always wrong because I am a perfect angel sent from heaven and Frederick is just a dog at my heal."

In conclusion: BLAINE IS A FUCKING BITCH

[acatinafancyhat]

Watched Chess på Svenska last night since people have been recommending it! Boy it was A Lot. My family has no respect for bonkers Swedish musicals so i'm just gonna vent the thoughts i had while watching it here. Beware of spoilers (though I probably haven't even noted half of the crazy shit that happened this show is really something else).

I had only seen RAH Chess in Concert and a few snippets of other versions going into this so that was my baseline, but in hindsight these two versions aren't really comparable since they're barely trying to tell the same story...

This is a little long I apologize i had many thoughts (: Also this formatting may or may not work, I'm about to find out.

Act I

- First impression: oh wow Chess has a plot now

- So Anatoly is the protagonist? Interesting.

- I like Swedish Florence she's cute? However Swedish Freddie has been on screen for five seconds and he already Sucks

- Ok I was NOT prepared for drunk florence singing nobody's side but turns out that's exactly what this musical needed

- Oooooohhhh Florence and Anatoly running into each other in the hotel could it be?? that this version?? actually invests in their relationship????

- Jean Jaques van Boren what a name, and he didn't even need one

- This arbiter is in a show all of his own look at the little man go he's so into it. Into what, I'm not sure.

- Wait is he flying on a wire because he's above the game is this symbolism

- Did Freddie... did he just... eat a chess piece?? I... what...??

- Aww hungover Florence is trying so hard to be dignified i'm already very up for her walking out on Freddie in this one.

- "the toads fall out of your mouth" heh idioms from other languages are the best

- Um this arbiter kinda gives me the creeps?

- Florence and Anatoly hanging out! bonding! not just running off into the sunset after being in the general vicinity of each other for 5 minutes!! (No offense to RAH Mountain Duet it's great and hating on Freddie together is a hilarious catalyst for their relationship but I'm actually getting invested here)

- Someone Else's Story is literally a different song but it works

- "husband" wait are Florence and Freddie supposed to be married in this?

- Sneaking away from Molokov ahahahaha

- oh sHIT YOU LEAVE THAT CHILD ALONE!

- And they are aware that there is no embassy in Merano yes thank you i did wonder about that like these places don't grow on trees how did they all even get there in RAH?

- Coming to the conclusion that everyone in Merano is batshit crazy

- And just realized that Walter isn't even here. Does he not exist? Has Sweden canceled the CIA?

- Swedish Mountain Duet is also a different song. Anatoly is very charming yet has lowkey Bastard vibes. Florence is clearly having a minor mental breakdown here maybe don't drag her into your midlife crisis? Oh well, at least he has some respect for her, unlike chess piece munching Freddie...

- But "She's my only friend" aw fuck now i have feelings about this asshole

- Anthem is good. Anthem is always good.

Act II

- Start of this act is already looking Intense

- Swedish Freddie is such a trainwreck my god.

- How To Lose a Girl in Ten Seconds the autobigraphy by Frederick Trumper

- "So you want to break up" FUCK the look on his face just killed me

- This Pity the Child is somehow more pathetic than other versions I have seen. And i mean that in the best way. He's hugging the pillow. Just wants mommy to love him. Fuck.

- So here's Endgame showing up early hmmm

- And here's Anatoly evolving from lowkey bastard into full on piece of shit. Has Svetlana done anything to deserve this abuse? Not to my knowledge, no.

- "You're an ass!" Sveta sweetie you are absolutely correct

- But at least he loves his kid I give him one (1) credit for that.

- I have mixed feelings about Heaven Help My Heart in RAH but it works much better here in terms of both timing and lyrics!

- Oohh new Svetlana song (heard of it but never heard it). Yes Sveta you TELL him.

- Merano reprise?

- Happy Florence!!! Happy Florence!!!! Happy Florence is adorable look at her precious smile!!!!!

- Aaaaand in comes freddie to fuck it up.

- (gets his kicks above the waistline but sure knows how to hit below the belt)

- "Take it easy, little friend" omg

- *aggressively clinging to each other while singing about how they never want to see the other person again* yep i'm dead

- This Freddie really has zero redeeming qualities AND YET

- oh random acrobatics? cool. i'm no longer surprised by anything that happens on this stage.

- Jean Jacques van Boren is back. I want to compare him to something but every time i see him my mind just goes blank in quiet horror.

- Svetlana strolling in to slay that cheating motherfucker

- Ok I support Sveta's rage always but I have to say i do not love this flipping of I Know Him So Well. I mean, what's the point? Why do they have to fight? It's not like it's Florence's fault Anatoly decided to run off (at least not in this version) since it was pretty clear from the beginning that him and Sveta weren't doing,, super great. The original song has its own issues but I stand behind the concept of Florence and Sveta bonding over their shared experiences with shitty men and especially this shitty man. Now it just makes me like both of them less. And it still doesn't pass the Bechdel test. Ugh.

- Molokov gets a Tragic Backstory because everyone needs one i guess

- It is not smart to fuck with the KGB. Anatoly appears startled by this.

- Side note this act has too little Freddie in it where's my epic rivalry where is the drama

- The way the stage is set up for the final match is pretty cool though

- This match feels a little anticlimactic but in a way that sort of works? Everyone's made their choices already? This is just the inevitable end to the tragedy and you can feel it.

- It does make the whole 'singing the names of previous champions' thing seem a little out of sync. We're past that, this obviously isn't about chess anymore.

- The circular ending is neat. The Story of Chess still doesn't fit the rest of the narrative. Again, very little actual chess in this.

- At this point I don't really care about Anatoly's feelings but Florence deserves better. Normally I'd say she deserves Svetlana but this Svetlana is kind of terrible so, hm, no. She deserves to be single and recover from her breakdown in peace i honestly don't want her to see any of these people again.

Well I definitely understand why this is some people's favorite version! The story's close to solid, and even though everyone's an asshole, they all have their moments of being... if not sympathetic, then at least just pathetic (looking at you Freddie) enough that the audience can give a damn. Personally i still prefer RAH, but then I did come here by way of Rent so I'm biased.

Anyway if you haven't seen Chess på Svenska yet go watch it, you will come out of the experience a different person but you won't have wasted your time :)

[free-for-all-fics]

on the subject of dilfs oh my god i need my head examined fathers, let’s pour one out for job skeffington

he’s such a precious little guy that i need carnally deserves me the best

FANNY SKEFFINGTON, YOU BETTER WATCH OUT BEFORE I JUMP YOUR ASS AND TAKE YOUR MAN😡😤

he’s such a girl dad, ugh 😩

unrelated, but are there any Claude characters that you see as girl dads or boy dads? 🥺👉👈

Job is such a sweetheart! I love him so much. 💜 Oh! Good question, Nonnie! Okay so here’s my opinion just off the top of my head based on first impressions/vibes.

Girl Dads (Including dads that thought they wanted sons but have their world changed by their girls instead): Job Skeffington, Paul Ward, Adam Lemp, Alexander Hollenius, Fred Martingale, Art Harper, Howard Justin, Louis Renault, Andrew Thurgood, Jack Griffin, John Stevenson, Captain Freycinet, Henry Halevy, Erique Claudin.

Boy Dads (including dads that have daughters but wanted sons instead): Jim Masters, Sir John Talbot, Mayor of Hamelin, Leonard Eldridge, Professor George Edward Challenger, Edward Seymour, Marquis Don Luis, Dr. Alexander Tower, John Jasper, Don José Álvarez, Ambrose Pomfret.

Dads who wouldn’t have a preference: Chris Farris, Mr. Jordan, Nick, Maximus, Dr. Jaquith, Kees Popinga, Nutsy.

Characters that probably wouldn’t be dads: Victor Grandison, Alexander Sebastian, Aristides Mavros, Professor Benson, Elisha Hunt, Father Amion, John Fabian, Lee Gentry, Frederick Lannington, Charles Gresham, Prince John, Stefan Orloff, Paul DeLambre.

[clarissaexplainingitall]

camille has gotten me dead sunk into fire emblem awakening and i haven’t been this emotionally invested in characters in a while

romanced chrom bc it was clearly the canon thing, plus my morgan is an unstoppable force of nature now. he’s getting hitched to noire, who now has a wonderful support network comprised of libra, morgan, and also me, and tharja and libra are very good for each other and i am happy

but libra!noire + chrom!morgan is the power couple of the year holy fuck

[antebellumite]

ok ok so civil war alternate history books be like:

abe lincoln always gets impeached if he lives through his assasination

if that doesn't happen, then he gets turned into a vegetable and uhhh *checks notes*... and WILLIAM SEWARD STARTS ANOTHER TRAIL OF TEARS??? FOR SLAVEHOLDERS AND THEIR FAMILIES- OKAY THEN??

somehow newt gingrich wrote the most historically accurate version of what if lee won the battle of gettysburg

hey harry turtledove, no offense, southern victory is a fascinating series but a. what the fuck and b. what the FUCK??

every confederacy wins scenerio is so fucking funny in the long run ngl tho

for some reasons only racists have time machines and they all want to give the south ak 47s but NO ONE thinks of doing this for the union??

that one with slavery in the modern day in the "Core Four" states is pretty good?

the one with the premise of what if the underground railroad was a REAL RAILROAD is REALLY good?

Bring on the Jubilee oh dear GOD my fucking DETESTED

unrelated but there's a story out there where aaron burr establishes a dictatorship in america by aligning with napoleon after defeating tj and um. yeah.

also a story where franklin is the first president.

and ANOTHER story where andrew jackson is elected in 1824 as president and somehow invents BIOLOGICAL AND CHEMICAL WARFARE??? OH MY GOD???

and if andrew jackson isn't elected, then davy crockett is and this somehow ends up with a civil war occuring over the compromise of 1850, which, fair. could have happened. was a reasonable concern.

"How the South Preserved the Union" is actually so fucking interesting? it starts with zack taylor and millard fillmore dying and ends with the NORTH seceding with john brown as commander of the army and daniel webster as president? stephen douglas signs the civil rights act of 1861? the war lasts 2 yrs? JUST 2 yrs?

"now falls the cold, cold night" has millard fillmore elected the fifteenth president in 1856 after james buchanan dies of a stroke, causing the north to secede ( something about fillmore just FORCES the north to want to leave the union, huh? ) and john c fremont becomes president of the new england confederacy while william tecumseh sherman becomes commanding general, opposed by robert e lee...

.... well at least it wasn't john brown this time?

"Lincoln's Charge" is just... I can't do it justice okay. I CAN'T DO LINCOLN'S CHARGE JUSTICE ON HERE! BUT GUYS READ IT! OR JUST LOOK AT IT'S SUMMARY

there's a universe where we have our first female president in the 1870s! and frederick douglass becomes vp!

AND IT'S TOLD THROUGH A SERIES OF LETTERS TO QUEEN VICTORIA!

samuel tilden deserved better aus.

( unrelated but adolf hitler keeps getting involved in this series and its so weird. he gets lured to washington dc in one story and ends up getting killed by a bomb there. )

( also unrelated but "demarche to iran" is cool. )

BUT GUYS READ THIS!

" Michael Dukakis is elected president in 1988, but is revealed to be an alien attempting to infiltrate Dulce Base. The Men in Black, along with friendly aliens, therefore rewrite history in order for George H. W. Bush to win the 1988 election instead, resulting in our timeline."

oh and walter mondale causes a civil war with mexico btw thought yall should know.

[teatimeatwinterpalace]

could you talk a little about the relationship of Vicky and Fritz? what were they like as a couple?

anon you've made me the happiest!! here are some of my favourite tidbits ♥

♡ It was a love match from the beginning till the end. They shared an intellectual and physical bond that was a rarity in royal circles!

♡ Fritz proposed to Vicky while they were taking a stroll near Balmoral Castle. He picked up some white heather, kissed her and asked her if she would consider coming to Prussia. She said she would and he replied that he’d hoped she would stay ‘always’.��

♡ They were partners in the true sense of the word and they were particularly vilified for it. In the patriarchal Prussian society, their relationship were an anomaly. Bismark enjoyed spreading rumors about them : Vicky was the domineering wife and Fritz the weak husband. Once, Vicky wrote to Fritz that a woman in Germany was : 'not the partner, friend and helper of her husband... does not have the same educational level as he... If a wife lays claim to this status she is considered dangerous, domineering, ridiculous, peculiar. In England, every woman participates in conversations on politics, reads the newspapers, knows what’s going on, etc.. No Englishwoman would accept and adjust to the lowly and not very dignified status of a German wife.'

♡ To make matters worse, Fritz was constantly undermined by his own family. Vicky wrote 'from his own mother he seldom or rather never hears... words of affection' 'I wish more people knew. He is such a good son, such a good husband & such a good brother! & always thinks his duty before his pleasure.'

♡ Fritz suffered from depression (not surprising when you have his family and you espouse liberal values while being the heir of the very conservative Prussia). Vicky helped him a great deal. He wrote to her : 'You know exactly what it takes to make me happy through good times and bad, and you know exactly what is best for me... you accept me the way that I am; you have taught me how to gain confidence and see the world in a better way than I did before” “if “marriages are made in heaven” then God has obviously done so in our case.' 

♡ They were constantly under pressure. Bismark’s propaganda machine against Fritz and Vicky destroyed them in the eye of the Court and of the German people. But damn, they stood their ground.

♡ Vicky and Fritz were against the anti-Semitic movement. And Friedrich made it very clear.

♡ Their home was a space where 'love of art, a real sympathy with the intellectual movement and a wider liberal outlook on life prevailed.'

♡ Fritz helped to promote the development of women and their integration in male bureaucracy. In 1872 he supported a petition sent to the Reichstag which demanded that women were able to work in postal and railway services. *Vicky’s influence*.

♡ 'That you now are everything in the world to me you already know [...] I no longer undertake anything without thinking constantly of you and look upon you as my good angel' Fritz to Vicky.

♡ 'If you only knew how your love moves me, how happy it makes me and how much I return it, I do not deserve so much. Dear, dear Fritz, I think of you day and night.' 'For my precious madly-loved Fritz from is own Vicky.' Vicky to Fritz.

♡ To get away from the oppressive atmosphere of the capital, they bought, in 1863, a farmhouse in the village of Bornstedt, near Postdam. They were popular within the village and they loved this country life. When there, Fritz helped to plant and harvest. They also improved the village: rebuilt the church, created a trade school and a new village school.

♡ Even though Vicky could be very demanding and Fritz often away because of his military duties, they were both attentive and doting parents. Their younger children would come in their room at 7am and sat on their bed to eat their breakfast.

♡ Vicky's first childbirth was a very difficult one and Fritz stayed by her side throughout the ordeal. When she gave birth to her second child, Charlotte, he rubbed her feet during labor.

♡ On the day he became Emperor in 1888 Fritz invested Vicky with the highest honor he could give her: the Order of the Black Eagle. As he was already suffering from cancer and couldn’t speak he wrote to his doctor, Morell Mackenzie : ‘I thank you for having made me live enough to recompense the valiant courage of my wife’. Four months later he would die. 

♡ The royal collection kept a bracelet made from plaited hair of Fritz and Vicky, with an FV monogram surrounded by a serpent (x).The Victorians associated the snake motif with eternal love. 

♡ He took the picture below in 1887 at Buckingham Palace, in the room he occupied 35 years ago, before his marriage to Vicky. And on the table there is the small portrait that Vicky gave him after their engagement in 1855.

if anyone is wondering, most of these tidbits come from an uncommon woman, the empress frederick by hannah pakula, a really good book on Vicky and Fritz!

[prurientpuddlejumper]

A Lipless Face That I Want to Marry, Ch. 8

<- Chapter 7 | Chapter 9 ->

Summary: Frederick alone. 

2,163 words

How many days had he been in the hospital? There had been at least one more surgery since you left. More blood transfusions.

It all bled together without you there. There was nothing to distinguish one day from the next except the tedious procedures—a blood test to see how his kidney was holding up, some new skin here, a z-plasty there. He was a little bit glad you were not there when they grafted his penis with a stretchable mesh of skin. God forbid he got aroused while that was healing. He laughed at the thought, as if your absence was just temporary.

The sun outside his window told him whether it was day or night, but the stretches of hours he was knocked out under anesthetic and pain meds made it impossible to know whether it was was from the same day, or if he had slept until the next one. Without your schedule to ground him, it was pointless bothering to find out.

At least you were not always touching him, asking him about his feelings. Staring. He could feel the pressure of your gaze on his face, dancing like jabbing needles across his barely-healed skin. He hated it. He had some peace and quiet now.

It did not feel real yet. It seemed so certain you would be back—you had become such a steadfast presence in his life for the past three years, he never imagined you could leave it. Not forever. It did not seem beyond taking back.

But as much as he was in denial, he knew what he said could not be taken back. One cannot break off an engagement, tell their fiancé to move out, and expect things to ever go back to normal.

He didn’t need you. You always hated his preening, the sophisticated circles he traveled in. You wanted him this way—destroyed and disgusting, unable to pass in decent society. He was not sure if he really believed that, or if he just needed a reason to hate you.

A nurse could bring him the phone. All he had to do was press the nurse call button and Pamela would come running, and he could call you. He could apologize. If he reached you before you got rid of the ring, before you packed your bags, he might be able to convince you to stay.

He did not call.

***

The sun was down, whatever day it was. There was still fluorescent light shining in from the hallway, enough to dimly light the room. Frederick lay awake. Parts of his back ached from lying in the same position too long, and it had been too long since a nurse came and shifted him. He shifted himself, what little he could, and the heart monitor climbed frantically with the feeble effort of a few inches. His tight scar tissue pulled like he was wearing too-tight denim over his whole body, and his more recent stitches stung. He was so weak. So pathetically weak.

The sun was up again, some time later. Frederick eyed the small stack of mail for him at his bedside table. You were always the one who read to him. But he did not need you.

He pressed the nurse call button, which had been rigged with tape and a wooden tongue depressor into a large switch he could push more easily with his limited dexterity. He pushed down on it and it buzzed so loudly he swore, a throb of pain shooting through the back of his skull. Part of the jury-rigged switch caught on the gauze mitten wrapped around his hand and left the switch stuck on in a continual buzz. He swore again, more fiercely, and jerked his hand until the makeshift switch snapped, and the call button fell off the edge of the bed. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!”

Where the hell was the nurse? If this had been an emergency he could be dead by now.

In his last physical therapy session, he had been able to reach nearly as far as the bedside table, with assistance. He reached for an envelope, and his mittened hand made it all the way to the edge of the bed before bumping against the metal railing that prevented him from rolling out. That was it. All at once, every latent frustration came out at that goddamned railing in a primal scream. He punched the metal—barely a twitch with his atrophied muscles, but enough to sting his tender fingers and draw another enraged shout. His breathing came in heavy, choked bursts, and he began to sob.

When finally a nurse showed up—his favorite, Pamela—she didn’t make any humiliating sympathetic comments about the tears wetting his face. He asked if you had called or tried to visit.

You had not.

***

The dead at least have the luxury of being done with what they lost.

The sky was dark, nearly black with clouds, though Frederick suspected it was day. Heavy rain pummeled against the window, and it gave the room a cold, dreary cast. He wondered if there was a way he could kill himself. To be done. It would have been easy in a hospital, if he had use of his legs and hands—he could tamper with his morphine drip, or find some anesthetic… the options were limitless to one who knew what he was doing with medical equipment.

The one person who never manipulated him into danger, the one person who stood beside him, the one person who loved him completely for everything he was, he had thrown away. Was it worth it staying alive for revenge alone? He was never going to get better. Not completely. He would be trapped in this scarred, aching body for the rest of his life. If he died, his will left all of his money to you. Then you would be free.

But he was Doctor Frederick Chilton, damn it! He did not give up. He did not give up after Abel Gideon tortured him, or after being framed for murder and shot. Every time he fell, he held his chin up, and rose higher. This whole incident brought him notoriety, a spotlight he would take advantage of to bring him greater fame than even Hannibal Lecter himself. Forget national bestsellers, this time he was thinking movie deal. In a few years, he would be walking again, he would have a new face, lips. He would have everything back.

Except you.

He could never get back the one thing that already felt like a hole in his life, and would feel like a gaping sinkhole when he finally returned home and you were not there. His comfort. If you were coming back, you would have done it by now.

Every time he angrily demanded you leave, you would always slink off with your tail tucked, but crawl back all sweetness and forgiveness the next day. This time was different. He said so many unforgivable things. But he had to go that far, he told himself—he had to break things off.

He was so bitter, and angry. He was never the easiest man to live with, and now all of his compassion had been burned out of him. You didn’t deserve to keep running back to a cruel, bitter man out of loyalty, to be smothered inside a dark hospital when you were meant to be in the sun. He knew exactly what Chiltons could be like, and he never wanted to put you through that. If that was the nightmare he was turning into, then it was better for you to be far away, not married to it.

But, oh, to touch you one last time…

***

Another day. He thought about calling you again, if just to hear the sound of your voice. But what would be the point? You could have called him. Clearly you wanted him out of your life.

A nurse knocked tentatively on the door. Not one of his usual nurses.

“You have a visitor, Mr. Chilton. They said… they’re not sure if you want to see them?”

He perked up immediately, so eager to respond, “Of course I do!” that he didn’t bother to correct the nurse about his title. His face fell when a young black woman walked in, carefully tapping a long white stick across the ground. “Oh. You.”

She stopped in her tracks, a timid expression of guilt written on her face. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be here...” she stammered, turning around.

“No, no, no. Come in, come in, Reba McClane,” he pronounced her name pointedly. “I wanted to speak to you anyway.”

“You did?” She began searching her way closer to his bed.

“Naturally. For my book. An interview with the Tooth Fairy’s lover.”

Her tentative smile quickly turned into a scowl. “Freddie Lounds already offered to tell my story.”

Frederick scoffed. “Tell me you are not considering that libelous TattleCrime gossip rag. I am a distinguished, respected author—what I could do with your story is far—”

“I told her the same thing I’m telling you: I do not want my name associated with that man. My entire life is already tainted. I won’t talk about him anymore. I only came to apologize… it seemed the least I could do. You’re the only one of victims left alive to apologize to.”

“You forget to count yourself,” Frederick corrected with uncharacteristic empathy. “We are both his survivors.”

Reba’s shoulders relaxed a little at that. “I wasn’t sure you’d see it that way. A lot of people, they think I knew. Or that I must be a monster to have loved a monster like that. I can’t blame them… I don’t know what to think of myself anymore.”

“There is no accounting for taste.”

Reba and Frederick settled into a surprisingly comfortable chat. She unburdened her guilt—she thought she had sensed someone else in the room that night, and knew something was off, but didn’t call the police—and Frederick magnanimously forgave her. Dolarhyde would have killed her and slit Frederick’s throat on the spot if she tried to be a hero. He chose not to call out for help, knowing that. They talked about love, and the deep vein of anger they both shared. Perhaps it set Frederick at ease that she was blind. If she stared, it was not with any regard to his face. 

Then she went to the window, to stand in the warm light streaming through the glass, and knocked over a vase of plastic flowers. He snapped at her, his voice raising with violence so out of proportion to the offense, she wasn’t sure whether to apologize or yell back. After scrambling to find to the vase on the floor, she settled on dryly calling him an asshole.

Nobody had called him out so bluntly since before he was hospitalized, and it made him smile, as best as his cheeks could manage. “You remind me of someone,” he said.

Reba pondered why his voice was so fond at the memory of someone who called him an asshole. She wondered what the flowers meant. “Was this the somebody you were hoping it was when I walked in? Who—”

“Nobody important.”

“Really? That’s not what I’m hearing.”

He sighed grumpily. Then just sighed. “You told Dolarhyde you were not so damaged that you were incapable of love. Do you still feel that way?”

“If you’re looking for relationship advice, I do not believe myself qualified to give any,” she said, reading him like braille. “But I’m not going to give up on the goodness in people. Everybody has a darkness deep down, but not everyone’s darkness is murdering families. I survived Dee, and if I can do that… I can find someone whose darkness is a little softer. Soft enough to live with. I have to believe I can still love—that he didn’t break me. I hope he didn’t break you, either.”

***

Another day. He ruined everything with you.

The first question Frederick asked when EMTs found his still-smoldering body—rasping it over and over until someone understood—was if you were safe. Had Dolarhyde gone after his family? But of all the things that the Red Dragon had taken from him, you were the one he had destroyed all on his own.

Finally, after two weeks of resisting, he could not bear it anymore. When his physical therapy session ended, he quietly, firmly, with fragile pride, asked the nurse to help him with the phone. He dialed your number, and she held the receiver to his ear as it rang.

It rang.

It rang.

It went to voicemail.

Frederick leaned into the receiver as your friendly, guileless voice instructed him to leave a message. It must have been recorded before everything, back when you were so happy all the time. It had been ages since he heard you sound like that. He wondered if you would be happy and carefree again soon, without him.

• ● • ━━━━━─ •���●•• ─━━━━━ • ● •

Tags: @beccabarba  @caked-crusader @itsjustmyfantasyroom @thatesqcrush @dianilaws @permanentlydizzy @eclecticreader2020  @mrsrafaelbarba 

[flipflap-flipflap]

[Alright take-two on this damn post.  First one got eaten by post editor right as I was ready to post.  You see how long this is?  Save to drafts, kids.]

I’m here to shove a manga on you: Ookami Shounen Wa Kyou Mo Uso O Kasaneru (The Boy Who Cried Wolf Also Told a Lie Today).  It’s a gender bending romance.  Despite how awful that probably sounds, it’s actually really fucking good and I do not say that lightly. 

(No spoilers, this is all in the first chapter)  A high school boy insecure about his intimidating face, Itsuki, has fallen for a shy loner girl, Tokujira, who does not seem specifically phased by his naturally scary face.  So he takes a risk and confesses, but she turns him down brutally.  Itsuki goes to his sister to lament his insecurities about his face, which he (more or less correctly) attributes as why he can’t make connections.  To give him a new perspective on his appearance, his sister (trans btw) gives him a makeover while he’s sleeping and then kicks him to the curb of her salon - fully crossdressed.  On his way home, Itsuki (♀) ends up bumping into Tokujira, and she mistakes him for a boyish girl.  Under this misunderstanding, she asks "her” for a favor...

She has androphobia, and she has it bad.  So much so she can’t even look at men without snapping violently or becoming physically ill.  And Itsuki (♀) is just boyish enough to trigger her, but not enough to lock her down.  So she asks for “her” help, to see if she can desensitize herself to her phobia. Itsuki’s in a bind for a couple obvious reasons, not the least being the guilt of deceiving Tokujira. But nonetheless, he genuinely wants to help her.  So, he decides to continue crossdressing, diving into a lie that he soon finds he has no easy exit from.

I really recommend this manga.  I cannot say that enough times.  It is phenomenal, shattering tropes left and right in fun and interesting ways.  Do yourself a favor and give this manga a try.

Personal feelings and meta analysis below the cut.  It’s, uh, ungodly long, and will get very spoilery.  But I will flag spoilers.  And there will be pretty pictures?

(Also, no, I did not go into this planning to compare a manga about crossdressing to the abolitionist writings of Frederick Douglass, but reality deserves to be a bit absurd sometimes.)

Before you think I’m getting spoilery, with the intro I gave or anything I don’t mark as spoilers, I’m really not.  Everything outside of spoilers is right on the package at the start.  It sounds like I’m spoiling late-game stuff, right?  That’s something that was really fantastic to me: this manga doesn’t spoon feed you.  There’s no arcs of pure silent angst, even at the lowest point in the story. These kids are smart, they think and intuit on the spot, and they share what they’re feeling with each other like good friends do.  Like that next panel down there with Itsuki introspecting about his confidence level while crossdressing?  That’s from the first chapter!  These kids are smart.  And god damn that is so nice to see.

There was a lot I liked about this manga, but at the top is how compelling the protagonist and his internal conflict are.  Right from the first chapter he’s already wracked with guilt about what he’s about to do: deceive this girl by pretending to be a safe space.  But Tokujira told Itsuki (♀) she hopes to one day be able to fall in love, and Itsuki wants to ensure she can have that - even if it’s not him that gets to confess to her.  He’s fully aware of exactly how fucked up what he’s doing is, and is appropriately beating himself up over it in a really realistic way.  But although the guilt never fades, it slowly gains company in happiness. He enjoys this new, fragile life he has constructed around the two precious new friends he's made as a girl.

It was probably easy to gloss over in the synopsis, but arguably the biggest part of Itsuki (♂)’s conflict is his complex about his face.  He looks dangerous, and because of that he is afraid to even lift his head or smile in front of others.  But as Itsuki (♀), he smiles and laughs without fear.  It becomes immediately clear to him on the first day that he's a more confident person while crossdressing.  Happier in a way he can't be as a man.

Botan is easily my favorite character in the series.  She’s introduced early on, as Tokujira’s first and only friend before Itsuki (♀).  At the start she’s a dangerous third wheel, a serious threat to Itsuki’s ability to keep up his lie.  And though the situation is (thankfully) defused rather quickly, she becomes a massive source of internal conflict for Itsuki. Nonetheless, she becomes a dear friend for both Itsuki ♂ and ♀. She’s just so...*chef’s kiss*

^This face is the repository of all my love and affection.

Mark my words, this is the first and I assume last time I will ever say this: love triangle good. You know it’s inevitable in a romance genre piece, but this manga approaches the trope in a new and compelling way. [Spoiler] Needless to say, it’s between Itsuki, Tokujira, and Botan.  But...there’s two Itsukis involved, ♂ and ♀, and in the center of it all is this lie. His lie stops being about him: it's about not hurting these two girls he cares so much about. [/Spoiler]

On a more personal note, I saw so much of myself in Itsuki’s older sister, Ibuki.  She runs a salon, catering especially to crossdressers and transwomen.  She’s a self-described “Youthling”, an alien from the planet Youth, obsessed with observing the exciting and turbulent lives of the youths of earth.  For more or less for the same reasons most of us do: transpeople don’t tend to get the youths we want, if we allow ourselves to experience youth at all. So it’s nice to be able to enjoy it vicariously, through this younger generation that is able to more fearlessly pursue the lives we couldn't. 

^Incidentally, one of my favorite interactions in the manga.

Despite getting Itsuki into this crossdressing mess, she’s someone he can always return to and confide in, and get good, helpful advice from.  Her whole philosophy is to give young people agency to explore their identities and find themselves, and though she tells Itsuki the road he's taking is dangerous as soon as she learns what he's doing, she'll always support him however she can.

That, I feel, is what separates her from other, more creepy/pedophilic enabler types, like Sawako from K-On! or Lucoa from Dragon Maid. It’s a refreshingly honest and respectful portrayal of a quirky adult just trying to be a good older sister.

The last thing I want to say, and I’m not going to even mark this as a spoiler because of course it’s going to happen and if you can’t predict that then you’re not my problem, is that Itsuki of course eventually has to drop his lie.  All I’ll say about it is that it is probably going to live in my head for years. Everything about it, the lead up, the execution, the fallout, and the recovery, are all so masterfully crafted for maximum emotional impact.

That’s all I want to say exclusively about my personal feelings.  On to analysis.  There will be a lot more contextual spoilers here that, even without reading the parts I’ve specially blocked off will probably leak through.  Read at your own risk, but I would recommend revisiting after you have finished the manga.

One thing I really want to talk about is language.  That’s right, I’m going to compare a crossdressing manga to The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, the autobiography of a freed slave turned abolitionist. Douglass talks about a concept that has remained imprinted on my mind ever since I first read it: how and why slaves struggled to comprehend the concept of freedom.  This wasn’t anything to do with fear or “racial inferiority” like pro-slavers would argue, but rather with a lack of vocabulary.  They have all of these feelings and things they know to be true, but lack the words to make meaningful sense of them.  For Douglass specifically, his life completely changed when he learned the word “abolition.”  It was like a floodgate burst, as he was suddenly able to put meaning to feeling, create context from chaos.

And that’s right, we see that happen in a big way, with Tokujira.  This should be an obvious development, but as it happens late in the manga I will mark it [Spoiler].  As Tokujira and Itsuki (♀) practice things like talking, eye contact, holding hands, etc., Tokujira naturally starts to fall for Itsuki (♀).  But she doesn’t understand that.  An important part of her character is that, growing up, she focused on expanding her vocabulary as much as humanly possible in the hopes of being able to better articulate herself.  So words are very important to her.  It’s not until she sees a work of lesbian fiction on display that she finally realizes that’s the word she’s looking for.  The floodgate bursts, and all of her emotions suddenly make sense.  She realizes she loves Itsuki (♀). [/Spoiler]

And I think that is a vital and underexplored concept when discussing LGBT youth, especially in countries where even knowledge of these concepts is taboo.  The reason so many LGBT youth struggle with their identities, especially trans youth, is because we do not have the vocabulary to conceptualize our feelings.  I am always excited to see this concept play out, especially in this context.  It’s such an important thing that needs to be addressed more broadly.

Moving on, I want to talk about historical context of the genre as it relates to what the author did here.  Notably, I want to talk about a specific trope rampant in Japanese queer fiction, specifically early lesbian fiction: the idea that queerdom is a meaningless, youthful phase that children will naturally and inevitably grow out of.  It’s problematic for obvious reasons.

[HELLA HELLA SPOILERS]  My kneejerk reaction to the ending of this manga was that the author fell into this trope.  In the end, Itsuki comes to the conclusion that he does not need to crossdress.  So again, kneejerk.  But...it really wasn’t like that.  He never had any dysphoria; crossdressing was always just a necessity of his circumstance.  Nonetheless he learned to analyze and value his experience crossdressing as a woman, and because of that grew as a man.  And as part of his journey to understand his identity we, through him, see why some people crossdress.  Along with his example, we see why his sister, a bona fide post-op transsexual, has made it a permanent change to her life.  Likewise, we see Miyama, who crossdresses purely for the gender euphoria, but has no (stated) interest in going all the way.  These are all presented as valid and meaningful. [/Spoiler]

Crossdressing, and gender nonconformity in general, is portrayed not as some one-dimensional fetish like cultural taboo would depict it to be, but rather a meaningful exercise for exploring and critically analyzing your own identity.  For some, yes, it’s a phase, but an importantly transformative one when done right.  While for others, it is a gateway to a new way of experiencing and enjoying life.  Or, it’s fun just for the pragmatic reasons...

I honestly cannot recommend this manga enough.  Tragically, I cannot imagine it ever getting an official english translation, so you’ll have to settle for a  scanlation like the one I linked in the title up top (and here, again).  It’s a really good translation, though the site is predictably sketchy.  Warning for lots of NSFW ads.

Read it, and then come talk to me about it!!!  There is basically zero fan community and I need to fangirl with someone!

[marryat92]

One hundred pounds! I never thought that I should possess such a sum in my life. One hundred pounds! what should I do with it? My mother was astonished, and then fell into a very grave mood. Virginia was pleased, but appeared to care less about it than I thought she would have done. My father came in as usual with Ben the Whaler, and I read the letter.

“Why, Tom, that's about as much prize-money as I have made in all my sarvice,” said my father, “and you've been afloat only four months. Come, missis, send for some beer, and let us drink Tom's health, and success to him. God bless you, my boy; the papers say you deserved it, and that's better than your getting it. I'm proud of you; I am indeed, my boy: your father's proud of you, Tom,”—and here my father showed more emotion than ever I witnessed in him before; however, he put his lips to the porter pot, and when he had drained it nearly to the bottom, he had quite recovered himself.

— Frederick Marryat, Poor Jack

'Equity or a Sailor's Prayer before Battle. Anecdote of the Battle of Trafalgar' circa 1805 caricature print by Thomas Tegg.

The officer at left asks, "Why Starboard! how is this at prayers when the enemy is bearing down upon us; are you afraid of them?", to which the kneeling sailor responds, "Afraid! – No! I was only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same proportion as the prize money, the greatest part among the Officers."

[plush-anon]

after many hours spent pausing the show bc good lord why did they do that, i have now finished Love Never Dies

annnnnd yikes 😬😬😬

I’ll start with the few positives I did enjoy from the recorded Australian production on Youtube:

1.) the camera work. This is the kind of thing I dream of for professionally recorded shows - it really allows for some lovely close-up shots of how the emotions play over their faces, it’s lush

2.) the costumes are well-crafted, and I desperately Want the Phantom’s long-ass swooshy trenchcoat cape thing he wore for the first half-hour 

3.) the sets used throughout this are honestly very impressively used and put together for some really fantastic shots

4.) the opening, with ‘Til’ I Hear You Sing Once More’. This song is honestly very lovely, and really articulates the Phantom’s loss and heartache for Christine. It’s sung very earnestly, and had the rest of the show been more like this I might have liked it more. 

5.) the Fucking Song, ‘Beneath a Moonless Sky’, is a guilty pleasure. It’s so over the top, and it is only about recounting that One Time they totally banged yo, and I love it. I think it’s the orchestration, but it’s also enjoyably silly even while it takes itself 100% serious. 

6.) As much as I hate to say this? ‘Devil Take the Hindmost’. While I hate the gist of the song - that being Raoul and Erik betting on who Christine will choose, and pretty much deciding for her who will get to be her one true love forever, completely negating the entire point of the OF musical where her choice was the most important factor for all of them - the pacing and the lyrics as they dance around each other are absolutely fantastic. It’s kind of sad to say, but Raoul and the Phantom, in this scene alone, display more chemistry in their singing than they do with anyone else. Let the hatefcuking commence~

7.) Some parts of ‘The Beauty Underneath’ I enjoy, particularly the ending scene where the Phantom is trying to talk Meg down. It’s very slow, melodic, and shows his more manipulative side, as well as how he can crawl into someone’s head, I love it. 

8.) This very interesting visual with a mirror in Christine’s dressing room. There are two separate scenes where someone is in the mirror singing. The first is the Phantom, between Raoul and Christine. The second is Raoul between the Phantom and Christine. It’s honestly a nice touch.

9.) The main three are excellent singers. 

 Unfortunately, that’s all on the list of what I liked. Everything else is a Giant Fcuking Mess. 

1.) The Phantom is no longer a complex, messed-up, but still somewhat sympathetic character, no; this is just a giant asshole who takes everyone for granted and barely realizes that anyone else exists except Christine, and even then only really as his personal instrument. 

He never actually apologizes to Christine for the shit he’s put her through and continues to put her through, but still demands obedience and forgiveness and understanding. It completely negates the entire point of POTO’s ending, where he actually realizes he’s done wrong by her and his actions pertaining her, and lets her go from his world entirely, and RESPECTING HER CHOICES AND LEAVING HER ALONE. 

Not to mention This Bitch also threatens to kidnap/possible “lose” her child if she doesn’t sing for him, keeps pushing her around and telling her what to do, and manipulating her life to change her decisions for her. 

AND HE’S FRAMED AS THE BETTER OPTION HERE

2.) Which reminds of me of the next big asshat: Raoul de Chagny, who has now become an alcoholic gambler who pushes his wife to do things she’s not comfortable doing to repay his debts, neglects his son entirely, and also is abrasive and controlling of Christine, to the point he yanks her back and forth on doing shit. Play this role! We should leave bc he was an asshole! No now we should leave bc Phantom is back! No take the role he’s paying triple! I’ll make a bet on whether she loves me to pay my debts! No wait you should quit ten minutes before you go on-stage bc I don’t want to lose you! MAKE UP YOUR GODDAMN MIND YOU MISERABLE PISSANT SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

Like I can understand being overprotective to a certain degree, which could eventually morph into being controlling. But neglecting your son, your wife, drinking and gambling your fortune away? ALL of that?!? Really???

Shouldn’t he be desperate to keep his wife and son close to him at all times after the events of POTO? Never leave, never go anywhere, only do what’s safe? You COULD have set this up as a continuation of Safety versus Freedom with Raoul and the Phantom, show the good and bad of both and have her choose from there. Show the dichotomies and hypocrisies of both men’s standards. 

But nope! We’re just totes gonna make the husband like this for no goddamn reason, especially since Raoul doesn’t start suspecting that Gustave (his son) isn’t really his until Devil Take the Hindmost. He’s just that much of an idiot!

3.) The presence of Madame Giry and Meg Giry. Oh gods, where to even begin? They’re pretty much only here so that Sir Andy doesn’t have to make new characters with different backstories and motivations and introduce them accordingly. Nope! Now both women are blaming Christine for leaving the Phantom Man-Baby, and talking about everything they sacrificed to help him make his stupid-ass circus, and talking about how they love him and GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH Madame Giry in the POTO musical YOU LED RAOUL DIRECTLY TO THE PHANTOM’S LAIR SO HE COULD RESCUE CHRISTINE WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT HOW SHE BETRAYED HIM

And, oh, Meg... she reaaaaaaaaaaaaally got the short end of the stick here. I just... poor dear, she was horribly treated in this. 

Neither of them deserved to be like this, honestly. 

4.) Christine, to a lesser extent. Experienced Literal Character Assassination, forced to choose between two horrible options, stripped of her agency entirely, used as a bet in a game between said two horrible options, lied to and dragged around constantly, should have taken Gustave and run off with Meg to run a music store together. Fcuk you Sir Andy, for using POTO characters to act out your bitterness and frustration at your ex. 

5.) The entirety of the whole Boardwalk Circus schtick, spawning an additional Fuck You to Frederick Forsythe, who thought this was a tenable option for the story to progress. 

6.) The Phantom’s deformity was literally just four lines drawn onto his face with crayon and some smeared lipstick:

what even the fcuk, you couldn’t make the make-up crayon drawing more detailed??? take more than ten minutes to draw it on???

I never thought I would say this, but even the 2004 film’s depiction was better than this! At least that one partially drew from a real medical condition, Sturge-Weber Syndrome. What the fcuk is your excuse LND?!?

7.)  The Lyrics. Oh gods, the lyrics. Some songs were decent, mostly the ones I listed up top. But the rest? Did someone forget to give the writer a more advanced/creative guide to rhyming lyrics? I wrote better shit in middle school than Glenn Slater did for the majority of these lyrics. 

Glenn my dude, what the fcuk is this nonsense? You’ve written good shit like the Tangled songs and stuff for Galavant! Why are you writing worse than an angst-ridden middle schooler? It is immensely frustrating, to say the least. 

8.) The really WEIRD direction in acting. No one here acts like they know how to move their arms or hands naturally; there’s a lot of really odd and unnecessary gesturing that makes it look like everyone has just had their limbs replaced with faulty robotic arms. There’s also a lot of leaning the characters do, with their arms perfectly straight by their side and it just looks wrong. 

9.) The Phantom’s pseudonym is Mr. Y. No, they never explain why it is he chose that particular moniker. 

10.) Bathing Beauty. Just... all of it, here, tied to POTO, present and here. 

11.) It’s been exactly 10 years since Christine saw/banged the Phantom, and her son is precisely 10 years old. 

That’s... not how pregnancy works. At all. 

12.) This weird scene with the American press, where they are absolutely obsessed with Christine, despite the facts they present, such as:

- She hasn’t performed in 10 years anywhere. 

- She was a French performer, and

- She only starred in three operas at the Populaire (Hannibal, Il Muto, and Don Juan Triumphant, which wasn’t even finished. So technically 2.2 operas that we know of). 

Why, precisely, would American reporters be so obsessed with her upon hearing she’s coming? I could see some interest given the whole shebang with the Phantom, but after 10 years of radio silence, would she really garner an entire crowd of reporters and photographers... in America, no less? 

France I could definitely see. America? Not so much. 

13.) Gustave is a flat, generic kid character, who apparently is totes the Phantom’s son because... he can play the piano well. And also has the same ideas of music as the Phantom, despite never being taught about them, or discussed such things with his mother. 

Is musical talent only inherited through the father’s side of the family in this universe? I mean, we never learn about Christine’s mother, just her famous violinist father. Otherwise, why is it Gustave’s musical talent isn’t attributed to - oh, I don’t know - HIS FAMOUS OPERA SINGER MOTHER?!?

14.) Apparently the Phantom is also now the one who invented cars OH I MEAN “horseless carriages” 🙄 A carriage with no engine and a “ghost horse” appears, and everyone is just fcuking stunned by this, like they’ve never seen a vehicle move without a horse before. In 1907. 22 years after the first functional automobile was invented. Ugh. 

15.) seriously tho who thought basing a sequel on the Frederick Forsythe novel was a good idea why did nobody think to stop him apart from Sir Andy’s pet cat Otto. why.

16) The Phantom’s interactions with Gustave are distinctly creepy and unsettling. I keep getting pedo vibes from him and I Do Not Like It.

17.) The death scene at the end is so goddamn over-the-top and out of nowhere I just want to throw something, ugh

18.) And finally, my last gripe with this mess: This takes place in 1907, and declares that it’s ten years after the original musical. Despite the fact that the OG took place in 1885. Yippy skippy. 😑

I can honestly say I am Not a Fan of this musical as a whole, mostly based on the plot and the character assassinations (one quite literal) and the poor lyrics. I can admire the camera work, the basic singing ability, the scenery and costumes, and maybe two or three songs. But I just do not enjoy it. It took me two days to finish watching it because I kept cringing from what shit kept happening, and had to walk around and listen to other shit to get it out of my head. 

HOWEVER: People do enjoy this one on the sake of it being so bad and over-the-top, and I can honestly see the whys. It helps that most of the cast can sing, and the orchestration is done well. There’s a TON of stupid to mock, and a lot of over-the-top awkwardness to laugh at. This is a good one to watch and mock with friends, IMO. 

For those of you who do enjoy it, I’m afraid I have to disagree on most of it. Still, it is nice being able to watch this one for free, even if it is a giant hot mess.

And that’s all for me on this one! Have a good week guys!

[fandom-necromancer]

1166+ 1154.  “Do you think I'm ashamed of my interest in you?” “I thought you didn’t want me.”

This was prompted by the wonderful @anxiousmessofaperson! Thank you for being this patient, I like this story far more than the other one I wrote. Enjoy!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900

‘Nines, why do you keep doing this?’, Connor asked, reinserting a bolt to his lower arm and taking to the torn cables next. Nines watched him in silence. ‘I mean, what did Reed ever do to you that deserves this loyalty? He repeatedly says he hates androids, that he doesn’t need you, that he would be better off alone. He even tried to trash you once!’ ‘I know’, the RK900 whispered. ‘And still you stay with him. Why?’ ‘I’m his partner.’ ‘That’s no explanation!’

‘I know.’ Nines repeated. ‘God, Nines, I don’t understand you. I can only repeat over and over again, that I’m here for you. Just say the word.’ ‘Thank you, Connor.’ Nines didn’t understand it either. Connor was right: Gavin hated androids. And he used every chance he could get to show him. Still, Nines stayed. He truly didn’t know why.

Connor worked on his arm in silence, then gently allowed the hull pieces to slip back into place. ‘There. As good as I can fix it. You should really let yourself be looked over sometime.’ ‘I will’, Nines promised without planning on actually doing it.

The android walked back to his desk, pulling down his sleeve again and putting on his jacket. ‘And? Did the plastic put a band aid on your booboo and kissed it alright?’, Gavin laughed from the other side as he sat down. Nines didn’t answer and interfaced with his terminal to download any new data. ‘Hey, answer me, tin-can!’ Nines still remained silent. Until the man stood up, walked around to sit on his desk and cup his cheek. ‘Oh, did I do something wrong, toaster?’ Nines pressed his eyes shut as if the contact hurt and froze all over. ‘Remove your hand’, he demanded forcing his voice to stay calm and collected. ‘Aww, and what if not?’, the human teased and had the audacity to brush his thumb against his skin and squeeze a little. Nines’ lips quivered in anger and he grabbed the man’s wrist with just a little too much force. ‘I said: remove your hand.’ ‘Hell, okay, fine. Phcking androids.’ As Nines let go Gavin pulled his arm back holding his wrist. ‘Goddamn android doesn’t know his place’, Gavin muttered as he walked back to his chair. ‘You do know I didn’t want you, right? I don’t need you and I never will. You should watch your back or something like that arm may happen again.’

Nines looked up at the human. That… That wasn’t true, right? His arm had been mangled by the door being closed on him by the criminal. Gavin couldn’t be the one responsible for that, could he? The Detective smirked. ‘I could have pulled you further back, just saying. If you want my help, work for it.’ The android shook his head and retracted his hand from the terminal. ‘Detective, I won’t put up with any more of your harassment and I expect you to have my back just as much as I have yours.’ ‘Yeah, right, why should I care for a damn tin-can?’ ‘Why should I care for a mere human? I don’t need you either, Reed. But I still would like to keep you as my partner as you are competent, and I don’t want to have your death on my file.’ ‘Wow. Makes you feel real welcome.’ ‘Then you know how it feels’, Nines said deadpan. ‘The Captain wants to speak us.’ The android stood up and walked up to the glass cube, Gavin staring at him disbelievingly and then following him.

‘Reed, Nines? I have a new mission for you. We need people undercover in the Red Circle. You two have been investigating them for over three months now. I think you are the most qualified to do it. Gavin, you will be a driver for them. You will find out their different locations and report to us. Nines, you are an android send from a rival gang, the Hawks, that plans to merge with the Red Circle. Gavin is supposed to be from your gang as a sign of good will. More information will be in your files. I expect you two to work together. I don’t need any more “accidents” or fights between you two. You will meet with them tomorrow. Any questions?’ ‘No, Sir’, Nines reported, and Gavin kept silent. ‘Gavin?’ ‘Hmm? Yeah, sure, fine. Can we go now?’ ‘Of course. Dismissed.’

‘Hey, tin-can? I would like to talk to you in private for a moment’, Gavin spoke up as soon as they were outside the building the next day, Gavin in casual clothing and Nines looking smarter. ‘Of course. What is it, Gavin?’ The man looked around for anyone that might see them, then took the android by the lapels and pushed him hard against the brick wall. ‘Listen here, droid, if you use this as a way to get your revenge, I will kill you. Fowler and the mission be damned, if you use your position as some way to pay me back, I will kill you. I can do worse than allow harm to get to you.’

Nines made a show of rolling his eyes. ‘Gavin, you may have forgotten, but I’m not you!’ He pushed his hands against the man’s chest and send him staggering backwards. ‘I don’t try to make this a living hell for everyone that isn’t me. And I agree. Fowler and the mission be damned. But my condition is that I will make sure we both get out of there alive if things go wrong. Because that’s what partners are supposed to be!’ ‘Are you saying I am incompetent?’ ‘Yes! Yes, that’s what I’m saying. You are incompetent to work with other people. It wouldn’t hurt you to look out for others or maybe, just maybe, actually help them!’ ‘Oh, so that’s what it’s all about! I thought you were Cyberlife’s best. Since when do you need help?’ ‘Gavin. Fuck off. I don’t need your help, but it would be nice to have it. Any idiot would understand that, but apparently to you it’s quantum physics or something. Let’s just get going. I acknowledged your threat and chose to disregard it, okay? I won’t change you anyways.’ ‘Damn right.’

They drove up to the factory they had watched for the last months, telling the armed guard disguised as a worker their story and the secret word to be granted entry and they were past the gate. They were greeted by a few other guards in disguise, telling them to exit the car and follow them to the boss. Nines was sure to scan every last one of them and send the identifications back to the DPD as soon as it had compiled.

They were led through the factory hall that was converted into a small chemistry plant. The factory was filled with tanks, pipes and strainers. Industrially produced drugs in a building everyone knew had been abandoned long time ago and never found another owner. Everyone knew there were illegal activities taking place under this roof, but no one could get a grip on them. Whenever they had enough material and evidence to act, they had moved their whole equipment to another place. This might just be their chance of finally setting an end to the Red Circle.

Up a final ladder to an overhanging office, they stood before the boss of the Gang. Frederick Burton, a chemical engineer, who lost his job in 2036 due to alcoholism. He didn’t look like it now. Maybe he even was clean again. Nines couldn’t be sure. All he knew was that the man in front of him looked like the most ordinary, easiest to miss person he had ever seen. Definitely no one you expected to be the leader of a gang that had a firm grip on half of Detroit.

As soon as they entered, the man stood from his chair and opened his arms in a jovial gesture. ‘Ah! You must be Richard and Jared Clark! The Red Circle welcomes you and I hoe you had a pleasant journey over here?’ Nines threw him a smile. ‘We had, Mr. Burton. We hope there will be a bright future for our both… companies.’ The gang boss laughed. ‘Oh, directly to business? Where has the time for pleasantries gone, I wonder…’ ‘Pleasantries don’t make money’, Nines said confidently. He was playing a bigwig in the Hawks after all, he had to keep in character. ‘Yeah, true’, the man nodded. ‘A shame money is everything that counts, nowadays, huh? Loyalty, Friendship, a gang you can trust…’ ‘I assure you the Hawks are to be trusted. We wouldn’t be showing our faces to you if we didn’t mean what we said. It is in the best interest for our gang to merge with yours. The police are already pressuring us, and we need the safety you can guarantee. In turn we offer you our labs and loyalty.’

‘Yes, the Hawks are to be trusted’, the gang boss said wandering behind his desk. ‘And the police really are sneaky bastards.’ He waved the guards behind Nines and Gavin and they closed the door. The android kept calm, but a quick scan showed Gavin’s hand were sweaty and his breath just a bit faster than normally. ‘That’s why I wonder why the Hawks send us new people to negotiate when they merged with us a week ago. And why two people who didn’t exist before and the Hawks don’t know show up just after we threatened a secret informant for the DPD into spreading false information. It may be that the only RK900 ever that is a Detective at the 5th precinct and the only Detective that could have made it Captain, but has far too many disciplinaries to ever make it Lieutenant, have heard of that very information and decided to go undercover for a bit? A shame that didn’t work, huh?’

Nines was ready to activate his whole arsenal of tactical routines but kept calm. So, they had been unveiled. It had been a trap all along. That was fine, shit happened. They could still get out of here alive and report to Fowler. In fact, they could do that right now. Nines huffed and dropped his stance, seemingly the most relaxed person in the room. ‘You did your research, so much is-‘ He had wanted to play on time, to keep smug till the very end and provoke a fight they could use as a distraction to run. But from one moment to the next every system of his was about to be fried. An overwhelming signal flooded his sensors. He saw white, heard nothing but static, smelled and tasted everything at once and felt as if he was burning. His transmission to Fowler and the call for backup was overlapped by the same attack. A scrambler. More advanced, but still primitive technology. It did the trick though and Nines dropped to the floor, unable to move or send any signal to his body. It may as well had been an EMP, as much as it interfered with his systems. His only chance at survival was to enter stasis, being completely vulnerable to anything happening to his body. ‘Goodnight Nines.’ Strangely enough, his last thought before entering stasis was Gavin.

-

He booted back up to a flurry of warnings and damage reports. He set his filters to only vital information and was met with his legs compromised but still working good enough to walk on, his left arm missing, and his hull damaged in multiple areas. The scrambler had brought disorder to his software, even deleted a few addresses and access to a few programs. But his scanner was still active and unharmed. He was lying in a landfill outside of Detroit. It had been used by Cyberlife to dumb androids once. A logical place to dispose of an android. He sat up, looking around. He hadn’t been alone during the attack…

‘Gavin!’ He shouted it across the landfill not thinking about the consequences should someone hear him. ‘Gavin? Are you here?’ He scanned for human life signs while standing up. ‘Gavin, please!’ ‘Nine…’ It was weak and very quiet, but Nines picked it up. He was at his feet in a heartbeat and tried to get over to where the sound came from. ‘Gavin? Gavin, talk to me!’ ‘Plashh’ He was interrupted by a cough, but the shaking floor gave him away. Nines quickly sunk to his knees and pulled away the rusted android bodies from the spot. He had to dig through the android corpses to finally reach Gavin and pull him out. He had been buried by the mass of metal and plastic and was finally able to breath lighter. He was badly bruised and had at least one broken rib. ‘Can you walk?’, Nines asked. ‘I think so…’, Gavin answered coughing after every laboured word. The android didn’t hesitate to pull an arm around the man and help him up. ‘Wha- What are you doing?’ ‘Getting us out of here, idiot.’ ‘Why… are you helping me? Why not… leave me behind?’ ‘You talk too much’, Nines refused to answer. He didn’t know for sure either. It was the right thing to do, but after what pain Gavin had put him through maybe he should use the opportunity to get rid of- no. No, he wasn’t like that. He would get them both out of there alive. ‘Must be something wrong with your programming, tin-can’, Gavin laughed through the cough. ‘You taking interest in the well-being of someone who hurt you so much. Maybe a bit masochistic, don’t you think? Must be phcking embarrassing.’

Nines sighed, half carrying the human over the landfill to the next street to find a passer-by who could call them an ambulance. ‘Do you think I'm ashamed of my interest in you? In my wish to care for someone and be cared for in return? That is something so utterly human and you are apparently lacking it.’ ‘Because it’s useless. You will never be cared for.’ ‘Then what is this right now?’, Nines asked, sounding exhausted. His legs were not happy about the added weight. ‘That’s what I’m asking myself. What do you think you get out of this?’ ‘I hope that if I just keep this up, you will finally realise you don’t have to work against me not to be hurt. Because I will stay with you. I will help you. My willingness to put up with you after everything you did to me should be evidence enough.’ ‘Heh, you just want to get some friendship out of this?’ ‘Yes. Is that so difficult to understand?’ ‘You have no idea, Nines. Honest people are phcking rare. Normally they just search for a way to get to know your secrets and use them against you.’ ‘I do not, Gavin’, he sighed, repositioning Gavin’s arm that had slipped a bit. ‘I hope one day you realise that.

They came to the street and Nines looked out for someone to ask for their phone. His connection to the android network had been disconnected by the scrambler. There was no one around, but he found an old payphone he could make a call with. Then he helped Gavin settle against the phone while they waited for the ambulance.

‘Will you come with me?’, Gavin asked silently. ‘I thought you didn’t want me’, Nines teased gently. ‘Shut up. I still don’t want you. But I may have realised I need you.’ ‘Of course I will stay with you Gavin.’

[a-royal-obsession]

The Prince of Wales’s Will

This my last Will & Testament, written in my own hand & executed by me, signed & sealed this 10th day of January in the Year of our Lord 1796.

GEORGE P.

Carlton House, 10 Jan. 1796

To thee, Oh! ever merciful & Almighty God, do I in these my last moments with the truest fervor & devotion & with all humility, address myself to unveil my whole soul, & before my eyes are for ever closed, to speak that truth & to render that justice to others as well as to myself before my Creator as well as before the whole world, without which, when brought before thy great & aweful Tribunal I could never expect that mercy & justice to which all Christians are taught to look forward & in which faith as a true professor of the Christian religion I have lived & now die.

By this, my last Will & Testament, I now bequeathe, give & settle at my death all my worldly property of every discription, denomination & sort, personal & other, as shall be hereafter discribed to my Maria Fitzherbert, my wife, the wife of my heart & soul, & though by the laws of this country she could not avail herself publicly of that name, still such she is in the eyes of Heaven, was, is, & ever will be such in mine, & for the truth of which assertion I appeal to to [sic] that gracious God who I have here invoked to witness this my last disposition of my property, together with such explanations & declarations as are necessary for me to make to enable me to quit this life with a clear conscience & even without a sigh except at the thoughts of leaving her (& perhaps too without first receiving the blessing of her forgiveness) who is my true & real wife, & who is dearer to me, even millions of times dearer to me, than that life I am now going to resign. As much as has been said in the world relative to our separation I take it upon myself now thus to declare that she (my Maria Fitzherbert) has been most infamously traduced, that her person, her heart & her mind are, & ever have been from the first moment I knew her, down to the present moment, as spotless, as unblemished, & as perfectly pure as anything can be that is human & mortal. Had it not been for the most infamous & basest of calumnies, my too credulous & perceptible heart, & which knew no other feeling in life but for her, could never have been brought even for a single instant to harbour a thought of separating from such worth, nor was such a separation, Oh! my God, as thou well knowest, voluntarily sought by me. (But as entering further upon this point would involve others whom I pray Heaven to forgive, & lead to more than I am able now to write, I shall bury this part in oblivion.) As to her, (I must also in justice to myself so far say) I am most confident that had not similar base, vile & scandalous wretches calumniated me to her & represented me in lights & in a manner I here avert in the presence of my Creator, I never deserved, she never could or would have persevered with such an apparent cruelty & obduracy so foreign to the generous feelings of her soul, in rejecting for so great a length of time every explanation, every submission, every step my tortured heart frequently offer’d & was most ready & anxious to make, & which finally drove me to despair.

I now therefore, George Augustus Frederick, Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall, &c., &c., &c., do by this, my last Will & Testament, leave, will & bequeathe after my death all my estates, all my property, all my personalities of whatever kind or sort to my Maria Fitzherbert who is my wife in the eyes of God, & who is & ever will be such in mine. I leave, will & bequeathe unto her all such monies as may be in my bankers hands, or may be due unto me, as also the house & estate & appurtenancies thereunto belonging, bought by me of Field Marshall Conway, as well as all the other grounds & houses that  I have bought in Pall Mall or in the neighbourhood of Carlton House, & on a peice of which ground part of the circular room in Carlton House must consequently, if that room is wish’d to be retain’d as part of Carlton House, be bought of my Maria Fitzherbert at whatsoever price she may be pleased to fix upon it. I likewise will & bequeathe & leave to her the whole of the furniture of Carlton House as it is all bought with my own money, together with all the bronze & ornamented chimney peices, all the hangings, chairs, tables, ornamented & inlaid tables, bronzed tables, cabinets & concoles, girandoles, clocks, whether of bronze or of other materials, all my fine pier glasses, glasses of every sort & denomination whatever, all my lustres, whether of bronze, glass or whatever they may be constructed of, all my plate of every discription of sort, all my branches that carry lights or that are made either for use or ornament, all my china or earhten ware of every discription, all my wine & liquors in all my cellars, all my books, plans, maps, prints & drawings, all my jewells, all my rings, trinkets, watches, boxes, all the furniture, goods & property I may have or be found to have in all my houses in the country. Such ground or grounds as I have purchased or as have been granted to me in & about the Pavillion at Brighthelmstone or at Brighthelmstone itself, as well as such property and furniture as I may have in the said Pavillion, or in the next house to it, all my horses & carriages, in short, every article of property that is mine, or may be found out even hereafter to belong to me or that I am entitled to, or that has belong’d to me & which I may have forgotten to mention here, & all this do I once more repeat, I do by this, my last Will & Testament, will, bequeathe & leave to my Maria Fitzherbert, my beloved & adored wife.

There being an immense sum of money due to me from the Crown & from the nation on the arrears of the Duchy of Cornwall which has remain unpaid to me ever since the hour of my birth till my coming of age, & for interest due on such sums of money from the time of my coming of age, that is to say from the day I attained the age of one & twenty years to the present moment, I do will & bequeathe that such a part of sums which must be refunded as my due to my executors shall be employed in the liquidation of the remaining part of my debts & that whatever may remain beyond that, after upon fair & ample investigation all just debts have been liquidated, I also will, bequeathe & leave to my Maria Fitzherbert as well as everything & the whole of everything I have mention’d in this paper, which is my free & last Will & Testament.

Having now, I trust, made all the retribution that is in my power to this most excellent woman, there only remains for me to hope that when she is made acquainted with this entire & free disposition of the whole of my property for her, of this my candid avowal & of the just tribute I have paid to her merits, she will no longer withhold her forgiveness from me, accompanying it with her blessing, assuring her as I now do & calling God to witness at the same time, that I shall die blessing her as my only true & real wife with my parting breath & praying the Almighty & allmerciful Being to whom in this paper I have open’d the innermost recesses of my heart & of my soul to bless, protect & guard her through this life, looking forward with confidence to the blessed moment when our souls in a better world may again be united, never again to part.

Having now fullfill’d my first duty to the beloved & adored wife of my heart & soul, I next turn myself to my dear parents: I ask their forgiveness for any faults I may have ignorantly & unguardedly been guilty of towards them, assuring them that if there have been such, I trust that they will ascribe them to the errors of judgment & youth, & not to any intentional error of my heart. My blessings & prayers attend them as well as my much-loved brothers & sisters, to whom in my conscience I beleive I have ever proved myself a good & an affectionate brother, but if in any moment, & which now in no way occurs to me, I have been at all erring towards them in any respect, I must trust I hope that they will accept of my contrition & grant me their forgiveness upon the same grounds that I have asked & hope to receive that of my beloved parents.

As to my daughter, who is just born, I bequeathe the whole & sole management & care of her to the King, my father, whilst he lives, & whenever it shall please Providence to call him from hence, to the Queen, my dearest & most excellent mother, admitting of her (should she so wish it) adjoining to herself in this trust my sisters Augusta & Mary, my brothers, the Duke of Clarence, Edward & Ernest, or such of them here mentioned as she may please, but whenever the hour is come when her virtues are to receive their due & just reward in a better world, then I appoint my said brothers, William Duke of Clarence, Edward & Ernest, & my sisters the Princesses Augusta Sophia & Mary, to have the sole care of the person & education of my infant daughter till such time as she shall have attain’d the years of discretion, namely the age of one & twenty years, & then for her to be mistress of herself & such trust then to be dissolved. This I have been so far induced to be explicit upon, meaning that the mother of this child, call’d the Princess of Wales, should in no way either be concern’d in the education or care of the child, or have possession of her person, for though I forgive her the falsehood & treachery of her conduct towards me, still the convincing & repeated proofs I have received of her entire want of judgment & of feeling, make me deem it incumbent upon me & a duty, both as a parent & a man, to prevent by all means possible the child’s falling into such improper & bad hands as hers.

Having nothing to leave but what I have already bequeathed to my Maria Fitzherbert, all I can do is in general to recommend to the King’s gracious protection as well as to my daughter when she become of a sufficient age, & in the meantime to my brother those domestics who have been in the habits of constant attendance on my person, hoping that when I am gone that they will not let them starve, but amongst them all I must particularly recommend my old & faithful servant Santague, who from the time I was nine years of age, has attended me with a parent’s care & solicitude, & who never has deserved a rebuke; he is now very far advanced in years & all I hope is that his latter years may be rendered as comfortable in point of income & of his circumstances as they were when he was in my service.

I desire I may be buried with as little pomp as possible, that my constant companion, the picture of my beloved wife, my Maria Fitzherbert may be interr’d with me suspended round my neck by a ribbon as I used to wear it when I lived & placed right upon my heart; I likewise will & decree & entreat of my adored Maria Fitzherbert to permit that whenever she quits this life & is interr’d, my coffin should be taken up & placed next to hers wherever she is to be buried, & if she has no objection, that the two inward sides of the two coffins should be taken out & the two coffins then to be souder’d [sic] together as the late King & Queen’s were: it is therefore I wish to be buried not in my family vault, but any where as privately as possible in order that my ashes may repose in quiet until they are placed next to hers, or united with hers.

I have been silent hitherto respecting two persons for whom I entertain the sincerest love & affection, who I could wish to have already mention’d & for whom I could wish to have provided better than by simply expressing my affection & regard for them & thus recommending them, but never equally so, to what their real deserts claim from me. The first I shall mention is Miss Pigot, who has been so uniformly kind & attentive in her conduct both to my Maria Fitzherbert as well as to me, that it is quite impossible that we must not both of us feel most tenderly for her, & I consequently did all that was in my power whilst I enjoy’d life for her by settling five hundred pounds annually upon her, during the natural course of my life: I therefore do not doubt that my Maria Fitzherbert, out of such money as will come to her from the Duchy of Cornwall after the liquidation of my remaining debts, will try to make her easy & comfortable unless she should first, through the interest of my family who are all acquainted with Miss Pigot & with my regard for her, procure her a comfortable maintenance for the rest of her life as one of the housekeepers in one of the Royal Palaces & which will place her in a respectable & easy independance for the rest of her days. The last person I shall name, & for whom (though from unfortunate misunderstandings & circumstances I have not seen him for some time) I ever must preserve the truest affection, I mean Jack Payne, with his good heart he will not hesitate, I am certain, in forgiving me if ever I have wronged him (& which if it has been so was the furthest both from my intentions & from my heart) as freely as I do him for anything that I may have conceived he has been wanting in towards me. I assure him that everything is obliterated from my mind & that nothing now but the truest friendship & affection glows in my bosom for him, & as a proof of this & of the high opinion I entertain of him, to him do I recommend to guard & be watchful over whilst he lives the interests of her who whilst I had or have life was & is dearer to me than the whole world. His professional abilities speak & have already spoken enough for themselves, but the repeated recommendations I have already made of him will, I trust, be attended as they ought to be, especially as his merits entitle him to more than ever I could say or do for him.

My friend the Earl of Moira, who I have ever most affectionately loved, will, I trust, not object as the last testimony of his tried & long experienced regard to the being my executor, & to the seeing this my Will most scrupulously adhered to, & that he, together with Payne, will guard & protect during their lives for the sake of their departed friend, my beloved & adored Maria Fitzherbert, my wife, in short, my second self. My papers I leave only to be inspected by Lord Moira, my Maria Fitzherbert & Payne, & such only to be burnt or kept as they please; those that remain to be left in the hands of my Maria Fitzherbert. But amongst my papers there is one box mark’d thus (Private) the contents of which I do insist on being publish’d, such as they are, without any mutilation or ejection of any paper of whatever kind or sort, in order that if any objection is made from any quarter, let it be what it may to the strict arrangement I have mark’d out for the trust respecting my daughter, the world may then know why I have so justly & continuously attended to her education, & therefore why I have nominated my brothers & sisters, together with the Earl of Moira, for the sole care both of her person & education till she shall have attained the years of discretion.

Having now most fully expressed my last intentions & dispositions it becomes highly necessary for me to turn my eyes inwards towards my own heart, & to address once more that Heavenly power to which I appealed in the beginning of this paper, & conscientiously to make this, my last confession, that to the best of my knowledge I have never done any wrong to any human being, man or woman, either intentionally or premeditatedly; that if there is anyone who either is or conceives themselves to be under such circumstances, & of which I am quite ignorant, I must freely & undisguisedly ask their forgiveness, assuring Heaven that whatever faults or weaknesses may have been guilty of, they have never arisen (after the closest inspection of my own heart & of the principles by which it has ever been actuated) from the most distant propensity to vice, or vicious inclination, but from those foibles which but too often fall to the lot of those who are born to fame, & no inconsiderable advantages in this life, such as I was born to, & into which, from the heedlessness & thoughtlessness of youth, they allow themselves to run they know not how or wherefore, but for which when the hour of reflection comes they afterwards must severely pay.

Now then I address myself to the world at large, declaring that I resign my last breath in peace with all mankind & expressing my fullest forgiveness to every individual that may have either publicly or privately injured me; having thus closed the scene of a life most full of trouble & misery, I have only now to bid a last farewell to her who whilst she & I were one did contribute the sole & only happiness of that life I am now going to resign; none have I enjoyed since we separated, & none could I ever expect under any circumstances whatever unless we were once more to be united again. To thee therefore my Maria, my wife, my life, my soul, do I bid my last adieu; round thee shall my soul for ever hover as thy guardian angel, for as I never ceased to adore thee whilst living, so shall I ever be watchful over thee & protect thee against every evil. Farewell, dearest angel, if I must quit thee & the whole world in thee by decrees of Almighty Providence, be it so & the will of Heaven be obeyed, but think of thy DEPARTED HUSBAND, shed a tear o’er his memory & his grave, & then recollent that no woman ever yet was so loved or adored by man as you were & are by him.

Written & signed by me with my own hand,

GEORGE P.

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There are two other copies of this Will amongst my papers, one address’d to the King, the other to the Earl of Moira. No other Will shall I make, so help me God, nor have I at any other time antecedent to this made another; should there hereafter be any trifling alterations or additions I may wish to make I may subjoin them as a codicil, but I do not think there is even the smallest likelyhood of there being any. I forgot however to mention that the jewells which she who is call’d the Princess of Wales wears are mine, having been bought with my own money, & therefore those every one & the whole of them I bequeathe to my infant daughter as her own property, & to her who is call’d the Princess of Wales I leave one shilling. I likewise think it necessary in order to avoid any difficulties whatever to declare that everything I have left my much loved & adored Maria Fitzherbert my wife, I will, bequeathe, & leave to her free from every incumbrance to do with whatever she may please & to be her own property for ever. Signed by me, George P. Carlton House, Jan. 10th 1796.

In the case of the death of my infant daughter before she attains the years of discretion I then leave those jewells I have settled upon her to be devided equally between my two sisters Augusta & Mary, or in the case of the decease of either of them before the other, to the survivor of the two, then to be her own property for ever.

GEORGE P.

Carlton House, 10 Jan. 1796

In looking over the foregoing sheets I perceive I have omitted a circumstance of the utmost importance to my peace & quiet, and that is that in the beginning of the last year, or quite at the end of the preceeding year, in consequence of an application from me to the King through Lord Loughborough, that his Majesty would be so gracious (in case of my death before my Maria Fitzherbert) as to be pleased to continue to her for life the settlement I had for some years before made upon her of three thousand pounds annually during the natural term of my life, the Chancellor, by the gracious command of the King, wrote to me in consequence that his Majesty did not think such an event likely to happen, but in the case that is should be so that he would be answerable for it: which claims my warmest acknowledgments, nor am I acquainted with language sufficiently energetick to express half what I feel to the King for this instance of his paternal & gracious goodness & consideration; if I did, I should endeavour to express, though faintly, the gratitude of my heart. My mind therefore is quite at rest upon this circumstance, as I place the fullest & most ample reliance & faith in this the King’s most kind & gracious promise. Lord Loughborough’s own letter (& of which I receiv’d a copy written in Miss Pigot’s hand & which will be found amongst my papers) I gave to Miss Pigot to deliver to my Maria Fitzherbert, which I entertain not the smallest doubt but she did, in which event it is in the possession of my Maria Fitzherbert; but supposing that she may not have done so, or that it may not have been in her power so to do, then it must be in hers. This was a circumstance which had escaped my memory & was of such serious import & of so essential a nature to my feelings that I should have deem’d myself guilty of the most unpardonable & scandalous neglect if upon the revision of all I have here written I had omitted it, especially as it tells so much for the honor, & is for the interest of all parties, as well as speaks what I owe in gratitude (& which I trust my heart never has in any instance been deficient in) to the King as my father. GEORGE P.

Liberari animam meam; God in his mercy receive my soul.

GEORGE P.

Carlton House, 12 Jan. 1796

The whole of this paper is written, signed & sealed by my own hand, so help me God.