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canned-flour · 10 months ago

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The Random Story of Neko Atsume - Gozer

As a Literature student, Gozer is exceptionally good at reading other cats...including Willie, the (unrequited) love of his life. But when he sees Willie and Ganache having some suspicious banter going on, he realises that he must take urgent action to win Willie's heart.

A Neko Atsume college AU fic that somehow exists because yes

Word count: 1858

.•° ✿ °•.

As a Literature student, I am exceptionally good at reading people.

So when Mack slips me the following note during class, I instinctively know the game he wants to play.

WILLIE WILL BE @ YARD 1:30 PM. TODAY ;D

Oh yes. I know the game.

And I refuse to play it.

…

I write back.

Source?

MARSHMALLOW HAS BEEN OBSERVING HIM FOR THE PAST 2 WEEKS. HE SUMMARISED A LIST OF MOST COMMON WILLIE APPEARANCES FOR YOU.

Of course they have

Just as I’m about to push the slip of paper back to Mack, Professor Tina appears in front of me, eyeing the note with interest. “Gozer. Mack. I know you’re both dying for this lecture to end, but I believe Animal Farm is of a greater importance than whatever manly gossip you have going on? Unless…”

I hold my breath.

This is it, folks. This is where she takes the note and reads it out to the class, just to humiliate me and conveniently throw me out of the closet. I always had a feeling Tina was a homophobe. Hopefully everyone else will be more accepting. They don’t seem very heterosexual themselves anyway. Except Willy, who’s always pining over Poppy…wait, Willy? What if my Willie is straight too? How will I handle that?

“...you come out and do ten push ups. Exercise is crucial to developing a longer attention span!”

Oh.

“Works for me.” Mack flexes his biceps and starts doing his push ups. I reluctantly trail out of my seat and do the same.

When we’re finally dismissed, Peaches nudges me in the hallway. “Care to let me in on your manly gossip?”

“No. I just…need help with a cat.”

“Ooooooooooh.” She flicks her ears pointedly. “You know what they say: girls are the best at girl advice~”

She can’t even begin to understand.

Mack swoops in to intervene. “Don’t worry about Gozer Schmozer. He’s a ‘bros before hoes’ kind of guy.”

We both shoot him a death glare.

“I mean. We just need some–” Mack forcefully slings a silver striped arm over my shoulder. “–good ol’ one-on-one masculine bonding time! We’ll catch you later!”

He drags me away from Peaches and shoves his watch in my face. “It’s 1:29. Go go go!”

The anxiety starts settling in. “Is he actually there? Does my fur look okay? Am I radiating the right aura of confidence and poise?”

Mack immediately dials Marshmallow. “Has the eagle landed?”

“Yes, captain.”

“Roger. The tortoise is on his way.” Turning back to me, he uses his paw to smooth an unruly tuft of fur on my head. “Listen. You look perfect.”

Awww. “Thanks.”

“Perfect for stalking your crush from behind a tree.”

“Nyam you.”

“Go get ‘em, tiger!”

What I witness in the Modern Yard can’t be further from what I expected.

Yet it seems like my greatest fears have come true.

Ganache is leaning suggestively against Willie on the Tower of Treats.

He says, “Are you a banana? Because you’re very…appealing.”

Willie chuckles and gives Ganache a playful swat. “You need to step up your game, Ganacho.”

As a Literature student, I am exceptionally good at reading people.

There’s no other explanation for this behaviour. No other explanation for that loving look in their eyes.

Willie and Ganache are into each other.

And there’s no room in Willie’s heart for me.

Dejected and droopy-tailed, I drag myself back the way I came.

What is my meaning of life without Willie?

Is there anything to motivate me to get out of bed every day, so I don’t rot away like a salted fish? Is there anyone I can watch in the hallways, hoping just to catch a glimpse of his gorgeous gorgeous blue eyes?

There’s a cat-shaped void in my very existence where he used to be. It tastes mildly like sesame.

Without yin, what is yang? Without him, who am I?

Upon seeing Mack, I let myself fall on top of him in defeat.

We lie there for a bit. He finally breaks the silence by asking, “So, did you get the intel you need?”

I groan. “He was flirting with Ganache. FLIRTING! I’m such a fool. To think I ever had a chance with Wonkie…”

“Woah woah woah.” Mack stands up and I fall on the floor. “You’re many things, but you are not a quitter. Are you seriously going to let some scrawny IT guy steal your man?”

“That’s exactly the problem! He’s the it guy and I’m just–”

Wait a second.

He’s right.

I am NOT losing Willie to Ganache.

“I’m just a shining radiant unicorn of charisma and rainbows, and I WILL show him who’s boss.”

Mack gives me a fist bump.

Marshmallow, who had silently joined us, brings up his holoscreen. “The next Willie sighting will be in the Cardboard Cafe at 3:49. He usually meets with Ganache there before their proper Cafe ‘date’.”

I bare my teeth. “Wonkie won’t know what hit him.”

But just as I’m ready to tackle this fiasco head on, I see Willie and Ganache whispering in front of the toilets.

Ganache is, unfortunately but predictably, a terrible whisperer. “How about this? You are my sweetheart, you are my hero, I love you more than 1/x as x approaches zero. Did that…” He performs an unnecessary shoulder waggle. “...get your heart racing?”

Willie’s laughter usually sounds like heaven to my ears, but given the context of his joy, I’m finding it really hard to smile along.

Ganache’s gaze flicks towards me for a fraction of a second – is that a WINK?? – before ushering Willie into the WC, heads pressed together in deep conversation.

I make a vow to myself.

I will BULLDOZE their relationship to the ground.

I angrily sweep into the library and drop my bag down on the seat next to Peaches and across from Sooty.

“Shhhhhh,” shushes Maple from the adjacent table. “Silence in the library.”

“Gozer!” Peaches greets softly. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

I plop my bag on the ground and pull out my laptop. “Nothing! I’m just here to get some reading done and I’m NOT trying to distract myself from Willnache.”

I immediately regret mentioning Wonkie by name.

Sooty leans over with a curious sparkle in her eye. “Willie and Ganache? But what about P–”

Maple slams her laptop shut and stands up with a sneer. “I’m sorry, but the rest of us don’t need to listen to your speculations about Ganache and Willie’s fulfilling love life. It’s cacophony to my ears, and frankly I find it a bit repulsive.” She leaves and heads upstairs before I can voice my agreement.

“What were you going to say, Sooty?” Peaches asks.

“Nothing.” Sooty turns back to me instead, with an unreadable expression on their face. “So who are you into? Willie or Ganache?”

The cat may as well be out of the bag now. “Willie.”

Peaches faceplants on the table. “Shre-Manek’s sake, I’m so sorry for assuming your special cat was a girl earlier.”

“That is the leAST of my worries right now,” I reassure her without sounding particularly reassuring, voice crack and all. “He’s dating Ganache, I saw them bantering.”

“Interesting,” says Sooty. “Let me check with Ganache.”

“NO!” I practically scream. Lunging for her watch, I swipe a paw at hers as she sends her message: ‘are you and willie boyfriends????’

Ganache instantly reads the text. He doesn’t reply.

Exasperated, I slide my laptop back into my bag and head off, but Peaches follows hot on my heels and taps my shoulder once we’re outside the library. “Wait up!”

“What?”

She pants for breath (she’s never been the most athletic). “They’re not dating.”

“What?” I sound like a broken record of complete and utter confusion.

“I’m sworn to secrecy, just…trust me.”

“Peaches. I know what I saw. My Litty senses are never wrong. But don’t worry, I’m going to tell him anyway.”

“From one ‘Litty’ student to another, I admire your confidence. Why?”

Why else? “Because I’m clearly the superior option, and it’s time he sees that.”

3:48. I’m in position at the Cardboard Cafe.

Willie approaches from the distance.

Mack mouths ‘GOOD LUCK’ from his hiding spot behind a tree. Marshmallow, next to him, gives me a thumbs up.

I blink gratefully and sit up straight.

Willie smirks and slips past me to his usual spot behind the counter. “Hi.”

“Hi.” Wow, he’s beautiful. “I have to tell you something. I–”

“Ah-ah-ah.” Willie places a paw on my mouth. I don’t dare breathe. “I’m going first.”

He takes a deep breath.

“Are you Google?”

“What?” escapes my mouth.

“Because…” He gets so enticingly close, I’m drowning in his sesame-scented cologne. “...you’re everything I’m looking for.”

My brain feels like a mush of instant noodles.

The air is so thick you could cut it with Don’s fencing sword.

“HELL YEAH!” An orange cat explodes from the tree Mack and Marshmallow are hiding behind. “What did I tell you, brothers? What you say doesn’t matter. HOW you say it is everything.”

“You know, Fred, that’s unusually profound of you.” Ganache drops out of the tree and lands next to Fred. “Did you steal that from somewhere?”

Fred flexes his muscles. “Yes.”

Marshmallow and Mack don’t seem the slightest bit phased that Willie’s boy squad was in the vicinity the whole time. Either they’ve ran through a list of all the worst case scenarios and are fully prepared, or…

“Did you all plan this?” I’ve never heard Willie sound this bewildered before.

Our friends exchange a sheepish look.

“I can explain!” Ganache steps between me and Willie. “Gozer, I didn’t want to outright tell you that Willie has a massive crush on you but I DID try to make it as noticeable as possible.”

“We knew that if you thought Willie was into someone else, you’d finally feel a sense of urgency and make the first move. So all of the times you saw Ganache and Willie being sus were carefully arranged,” Mack elaborates.

Marshmallow flicks their wrist to open a holoscreen showing a notes document: ‘WILLIE APPEARANCES - lol ship’

Fred scoots close to Willie. “How does it feel to be out-masterminded, crafty boy?”

“I honestly can’t believe you all,” he finally says, sounding like he’s about to murder someone (sexily). “Telling both of us that our feelings were mutual would have made much more sense than putting on this shitshow.”

“But that’s not as ✨romantic✨!” Mack and Fred interject simultaneously.

Hold up.

Did Willie just say that our feelings are mutual?

Best Boy proceeds to give a spiel about how true love can’t be manufactured. But as attractive that is, I can’t bring myself to focus.

Somehow, I overthought myself to success.

“So, Gozer,” Willie pokes my side with a paw to bring me back to the real world. “What do you say? Let’s leave these troublemakers and head to the real Cafe.”

I nod like a bobblehead, still in shock. “S-sure! It’s a date.”

Mack, Marshmallow, Ganache and Fred collectively smirk.

“I mean…it’s a date, right?”

Willie wraps a tail around me. “Guess we’ll find out.”

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