#frank burns thesis

[variousqueerthings]

frank burns is such a great character: he epitomizes rich mediocrity, except he’s possibly not even that rich, his wife is (which is interesting in 1950-something), he became a surgeon because of expectations, he presumably got married because of expectations, he believes in the sanctity of marriage no matter how disgusting it gets, he firmly has to believe in US philosophies of hierarchies and imperialism, because otherwise what is he even doing all of this for, he has two cars and a 35.000 dollar house (or is that two houses and a 35.000 dollar car haha), he’d never make this kind of analysis himself because he is so firmly entrenched in this belief system that he’ll never escape it, he’ll continue to victimize himself and believe that he’s actually being victimized by [insert whoever the news says is the current bad guy that the American good guy is heroically battling, hey that’s him, he’s the American good guy!] and every once in awhile it’s like he’s thiiiiis close to opening up a teensy bit to learn something about himself or culture or tolerance before it’s almost immediately slammed shut, sometimes by the very people who are in a position to offer him change but who are too disgusted by him to see it, he is this close to committing a homicide, I believe he really genuinely deeply loves margaret and because she changes and he doesn’t and her changing creates the ability to know she deserves better than a man who won’t, he inevitably loses her and you know that he will learn absolutely nothing from the experience, you know he’ll go home and paint himself as a hero of war, and then maybe have a terrible relationship with everyone around him until he dies of old age with plenty of money and nobody who cares

he is the stagnancy of a culture of fear, imperialism, “fitting in to society,” capitalism, (shallow) fanaticism, cowardice of belief, military supremacy, and patriarchy, he’s giving us everything (derogatory)

[sunscreenstudies]

Twenty things I wish I’d known when I started my PhD

- according to Nature.com

Maintain a healthy work–life balance by finding a routine that works for you. It’s better to develop a good balance and work steadily throughout your programme than to work intensively and burn out. Looking after yourself is key to success.

Discuss expectations with your supervisor. Everyone works differently. Make sure you know your needs and communicate them to your supervisor early on, so you can work productively together.

Invest time in literature reviews. These reviews, both before and after data collection, help you to develop your research aims and conclusions.

Decide on your goals early. Look at your departmental guidelines and then establish clear PhD aims or questions on the basis of your thesis requirements. Goals can change later, but a clear plan will help you to maintain focus.

“I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it” is the biggest lie you can tell yourself! Write down everything you do — even if it doesn’t work. This includes meeting notes, method details, code annotations, among other things.

Organize your work and workspace. In particular, make sure to use meaningful labels, so you know what and where things are. Organizing early will save you time later on.

It’s never too early to start writing your thesis. Write and show your work to your supervisor as you go — even if you don’t end up using your early work, it’s good practice and a way to get ideas organized in your head.

Break your thesis down into SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and timely) goals. You will be more productive if your to-do list reads “draft first paragraph of the results” rather than “write chapter 1”. Many small actions lead to one complete thesis.

The best thesis is a finished thesis. No matter how much time you spend perfecting your first draft, your work will come back covered in corrections, and you will go through more drafts before you submit your final version. Send your drafts to your supervisor sooner rather than later.

Be honest with your supervisor. Let them know if you don’t understand something, if you’ve messed up an experiment or if they forgot to give you feedback. The more honest you are, the better your relationship will be. Helping your supervisor to help you is key.

Back up your work! You can avoid many tears by doing this at least weekly.

Socialize with your lab group and other students. It’s a great way to discuss PhD experiences, get advice and help, improve your research and make friends.

Attend departmental seminars and lab-group meetings, even (or especially) when the topic is not your area of expertise. What you learn could change the direction of your research and career. Regular attendance will also be noticed.

Present your research. This can be at lab-group meetings, conferences and so on. Presenting can be scary, but it gets easier as you practise, and it’s a fantastic way to network and get feedback at the same time.

Aim to publish your research. It might not work out, but drafting articles and submitting them to journals is a great way to learn new skills and enhance your CV.

Have a life outside work. Although your lab group is like your work family, it’s great for your mental health to be able to escape work. This could be through sport, clubs, hobbies, holidays or spending time with friends.

Don’t compare yourself with others. Your PhD is an opportunity to conduct original research that reveals new information. As such, all PhD programmes are different. You just need to do what works for you and your project.

The nature of research means that things will not always go according to plan. This does not mean you are a bad student. Keep calm, take a break and then carry on. Experiments that fail can still be written up as part of a successful PhD.

Never struggle on your own. Talk to other students and have frank discussions with your supervisor. There’s no shame in asking for help. You are not alone.

Enjoy your PhD! It can be tough, and there will be days when you wish you had a ‘normal’ job, but PhDs are full of wonderful experiences and give you the opportunity to work on something that fascinates you. Celebrate your successes and enjoy yourself.

This was part of my required readings this week and I have never related to an academic text more so I had to share.

Full article by Lucy Taylor here!

[majorbaby]

i think when considering Margaret and her much lauded 'character development' it's less about her developing from a bad person to a good person, but from a narrative device, as she was in MASH 1970, to a three-dimensional character. the former isn't inherently poor writing.

this happened deliberately as the show shifted from satirical plotlines that emphasized the moral bankruptcy of the systems that prop up the war machine to a show about how being in the war wore on the characters individually and changed them as people.

season 4 and onward focus more on individual character drama, highlighting the flaws and virtues of each character, their interiority, their changing relationships with one another and brings in their relationships with offscreen characters - most infamously, Peg and Erin Hunnicutt but also Dr. Pierce Senior, Radar's mother and uncle who eventually passes and Honoria Winchester. Even minor characters get at least one episode that focuses on some offscreen relationship, Mulcahy's sister Kathy and Klinger wife/ex-wife Laverne.

maybe with the (blessed) exception of Frank Burns, I think the function of all the characters changes from 1-3 to 4-11 as the show made this shift.

Trapper is a lancer. we get some glimpses into there being more to him, in Kim and Check-Up - but most of what we see is him performing a specific function, propping up Hawkeye, who in turn props up the messaging of the show. I would have loved to see Trapper's interiority explored more in the later years but I'm not mad about it missing in 1-3 - it's not about him getting "more", he got plenty in terms of what he was created to do. him having 'conflict' with Hawkeye isn't something that would've ever occurred to the writers at that time and you would never hear trapper say something like 'i can't divide myself emotionally' he doesn't have enough of an emotional self to divide.

when it comes to Hawkeye, in 1-3 i think the details of his life beyond what we see of him on screen are extraneous. hence the inconsistencies with his backstory, his sister, his mother, him being form vermont - this stuff just didn't matter back then. focusing on it now can be fun if you're trying to explore the character in fanwork, but the reason Hawkeye's sister (who i've affectioned named 'benjamina pierce') disappears is because they weren't really thinking too hard about her in the first place, you're not supposed to remember her and so the show assumes you won't.

Hawkeye writes home to his father but we don't learn a whole lot about Daniel Pierce at the time, he's only there for Hawkeye to narrate to, that doesn't mean Hawkeye doesn't love him, it's just that the writers don't intend for you to focus on their relationship until at least The Late Captain Pierce.

Other major developments wrt to Daniel happen much later on: he is retconned into being a doctor in the later years when the show wants to care about developing those details of Hawkeye's life and in season 10 we get Sons and Bowlers.

Hawkeye gets a little more character stuff than the rest of the cast because he's the protagonist but there's still a marked shift between 3 and 4, starting with his emotionally charged personal drama re: Trapper - before that, he does have moments where he emotes but it's always to fulfill the show's anti-establishment messaging: Yankee Doodle Doctor, Carry on Hawkeye and yes, even Dr. Pierce and Mr. Hyde. again, that doesn't mean we can't diagnose him with a laundry list of issues based on that episode when constructing headcanons but his mental state alone can't be divorced from the messaging at this point. "why does he do these things?" asks Henry at the end of Pierce/Hyde, and Trapper replies not that Hawkeye is damaged or hurting or broken (even though he may be all these things) but with the show's central thesis "he took this oath never to stand by and watch people die" - his breakdown directly ties back to the show's criticism of state violence. compare to Bless You Hawkeye, which might've taken place anywhere whenever Hawkeye smelled mouldy pond water.

so if even Hawkeye is more of a device than a character in the early years, what can we say for Margaret?

the Margaret character does her job. the hypocrisy of "fighting for peace" is paralleled perfectly in her relationship with Frank. these are two people who claim to be god-fearing, well-to-do, conservative Americans, but they engage in the same vices as Trapper and Hawkeye: drinking, promiscuity and scheming and worse, Frank and Margaret look down on others for it.

i get why people want something 'more' (really, something 'else) from Margaret and I'm glad we did eventually get that because it was sorely needed, but tbh i adore early Margaret and i think it's a little silly to call her a 'bad person' or 'underdeveloped' - she's just a villain clocking in.

similarly i don't think we're meant to reflect on Hawkeye/Trapper/Henry's philandering as assessments of their character so much as they are clear statements on traditionalism and sexual liberty. you can personally dislike whatever you want in a character but i think the context of the show airing in 1972 when attitudes towards sex, particularly female pleasure, were starting to finally loosen, is relevant.

some people want character drama from MASH and that's their preference, but character drama isn't inherently 'deeper' or 'more complex' than satire. on the contrary some of the writing is so technically strong in the early years, the jokes on-the-ball, the witty criticisms of American foreign policy and the traditional values that uphold it buried within objectively hilarious episodes like Tuttle (where they create 'the perfect American man' except that he's not real and make fools out of ranking officers while they're at it)... I'd argue that that's highly complex.

i don't see the point in getting hung up on the morals of a character who clearly intended to be a villain when judging whether or not they're a 'good' character or not. calling her 'flat' when they're all somewhat 'flat' because the show is not trying to get you overly invested in their personal lives seems unfair to me. same can be said for comparisons of Frank and Charles which are critical of Frank. or my most beloathed criticism: of Henry for being an 'incompetent CO' - that is a feature, not a bug.

criticisms of 'flat' characters in general are definitely valid, but imo only when those characters exist alongside nuanced characters who have rich interiority. since Margaret exists alongside Trapper and Frank, I don't think that critique is valid here. she actually gets a few solid moments where we get the sense that there may be more to her, in Aid Station and Carry On Hawkeye. compare that to episodes that frame her as being entirely sympathetic when she's been a terror to people she holds structural power over: The Nurses or the Birthday Girls - both good episodes in general, but it's another kind of flatness to present a character as being wholly sympathetic when they've turned around and done the very same thing that was done to them to others. just something to consider about how making Margaret 'more nuanced' actually glossed over some of her interesting complexities.

[bluedalahorse]

August and Rousseau are functionally the same character: the serious version

On Thursday evening, at my fanfic co-author’s encouragement, I posted about August and Rousseau being functionally the same character. This post was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but there’s always been a serious, liberal arts college analysis version of it lurking in my head. I decided to go ahead and share it because what is the point of rejoining tumblr if I can’t torture the world with my Young Royals meta? (Do we even call it meta anymore? I am Fandom Old.)

So anyway, I have now written too many words about how Rousseau the horse is a narrative shadow for August, and how horse tropes are used to communicate August’s character arc. My ~credentials~ are as follows: I’m currently doing a terminal degree in writing literature for children and teenagers, and I have re-read the Felicity Merriman American Girl Books more times than I can count. I was not a horse girl in childhood, despite my mother trying to get me to be one by buying me Breyers and an alarmingly technicolor Lisa Frank notebook with a horse on its cover. (For Not Being A Horse Girl reasons there may be some errors in equestrian terminology here, but I’m gonna do my best. I invite genuine Horse Girls to weigh in with their knowledge and insight.) I have more thoughts about August as a character than I know what to do with, to the point where those thoughts have in part inspired the critical thesis on justice and privilege in YA lit that I am going to write for my MFA. These thoughts here on tumblr are merely for a fannish intellectual experiment, however, so I will not be as aggressive with the MLA and the footnotes as I would be in thesis work.

While I am an American of Swedish descent who has celebrated her Scandinavian heritage since childhood, I am still very much an American and my native language is English. Most of my lit theory here is therefore informed by the Anglo-American Horse Girl tradition, which I know got imported to a lot of other countries in translation. At the same time, I am aware that there are Swedish Horse Girl books out there, and I do not know as much about where they overlap with the Anglo-American tropes and where they differ. If anyone has knowledge in this particular area, please feel free to chime in.

Before we begin, I feel it necessary to issue a few notes about content. The first and most obvious content note is that this meta deals with August’s character arc, so I will naturally mention his releasing of the video and his other toxic masculine behaviors that harm the people around him. I will also make reference to his drug addiction, mental health issues, and possible disordered eating. In addition, there will be discussion of abusive relationship dynamics and adults invading the privacy of teenagers with the goal of controlling their romantic, sexual, and reproductive futures (particularly in the context of a monarchy securing its lines of dynastic succession.) You have been warned.

TOPICS COVERED

Horses in Literature and their General Vibe

Cinematography and Film Language in Young Royals

August, Felice, and Sara

Bloodlines and the Line of Succession

What’s next for August and Rousseau?

Horse/Power

Horses have long been symbols of wealth, status, and nobility. While literature and folklore offer their fair share of ordinary workhorses, the prince on a fancy white horse is an iconic fairy tale image. Historically, the ability to maintain a stable full of horses, specifically bred for battle or fine riding, was (and still is) a privilege only the rich can afford. Among the Romans, the second highest ranked social group after the senatorial class were the equites, named for the fact that they were rich enough to own horses they could bring to war. Fast forwarding to the modern day Young Royals, we see the wealth of Hillerska on full display in the stables. Even Felice’s parents, who have plenty of money to burn, remind her how much they spent on Rousseau.

August, of course, defines himself by his status. When we first meet him, he’s always going on about his father’s estate, bragging about flying off to restaurants in France, separating out who is nouveau riche and who is ancien regime—and so on and so forth. So what? you may be saying. Plenty of Young Royals characters are wealthy and own land. Why single out August and make him the character shadowed by the horse, just because of his money? Probably because of the other ideas horses get associated with in popular media. Horses in fiction are often temperamental, but their humans often work to control and tame horses in spite of that. There’s a certain tension and troubledness to fictional horses that makes them dangerous. Rousseau is no exception to this—Felice and others have difficulty managing him. We know August has a temper that gets the better of him. We also know he’s obsessed with control, and the first person he tries to be strict and controlling with is himself.

To put it more briefly, horses in stories can be used to open up a lot of questions about wealth and power and how that power is, well, reined in. Thematically, having Rousseau as a shadow to August’s character arc is an obvious choice.

Framed by the Stable Doors

The cinematography of Young Royals visually links August and Rousseau from the very beginning of the series. As early on as episode 1.2, a shot of Sara taking Rousseau out for a trot is followed immediately by a shot of August out on a run. (Or maybe it happens in the opposite order? Help.) These moments mirror one another—both of them are scenes of a moment of discipline and exercise, underscored by tense background music. Throughout season 1, even when August and Rousseau aren’t paralleled by the editing, they are at least paralleled by the writing.

As we move into season 2, the shots of Rousseau become more constrained as the threat of prison looms over August’s head. Rousseau is almost always behind a fence or restricted by some other architectural features. The bars(?) of Rousseau’s stall door echo the bars of a jail cell, while the trailer belonging to the Worst Kind of Horse People (TM) suggests a police van taking August away after a future arrest. These scenes almost always include Sara somewhere, and she’s often having reaction faces. As others have noted, Sara doesn’t speak much, but these visual cues offer hints about her internal mental landscape while also foreshadowing her eventual role as the one who turns August over to law enforcement.

I’m inclined to read these “imprisoned horse” scenes as Sara having internal conflict about her relationship with August. On some level, she is attempting to grapple with the fact that they’re already doomed because of August’s prior actions with the video. I don’t necessarily think this means that Sara is always thinking these things consciously and in words. Maybe it’s just a sense of foreboding in the pit of her stomach. Instead of having Sara try to articulate this in any sort of literal way, my guess is that the YR production team wanted to convey this part of her arc through visual language and symbolism. I think it works, once you’ve decided to buy into the horse parallels.

Does this mean we’ve segued into talking about the girls now? Probably. Might as well gallop ahead…

Enter the Equestriennes

Even outside of Horse Girl books, women on horseback are a repeating motif in Western literature. As various academics will tell you, equestrian women occupy a complex and problematic (in the academic sense) space on the page. On one hand, riding horses confers status upon these women and gives them some freedom of movement. On the other hand, equestrian women are often being trained for the patriarchy in subtextual ways. One thesis I looked at explains how in Victorian literature, riding was often used to facilitate female characters’ interaction with men in ways that eventually lead to marriage. You also examine the common Horse Girl cliché of that one special teenage girl who knows how to calm down the impossible horse, and understand it as a little sister to the “I can fix him” romance genre. As bastion of literary analysis TVTropes points out, ponies and the Troubled But Cute Boyfriend sure do have a lot in common.

Young Royals knows the tropes, and it wants you to know that it knows them.

Felice Ehrencrona doesn’t want to be a horse girl. Felice’s mother wants her to ride, because riding is what archetypal rich girls from Hillerska do. Throughout season one, we see Felice struggling with her riding classes and being afraid of Rousseau. While she gains more confidence with the help of Sara, she never truly grows to love being around Rousseau (as we can see by the way she quickly abandons her hobby later.) Still, for a while, Felice maintains the public image of the happy equestrian by posting pictures of herself and Rousseau to her Instagram and making additional posts that say she’s in the stables when she isn’t. Felice’s mother, believing this to be true, is delighted—until in 1.3 it comes out that Sara has been riding Felice’s horse instead, and Felice’s positive relationship with Rousseau is just a facade.

What holds true for horses holds true for boys, too. Felice’s mother is constantly putting pressure on her about boys, specifically in the way she encourages Felice to pursue Wilhelm. The fact that Felice knows stuff about the line of succession and whose babies get what rank (something she explains to the beleaguered American Maddie) suggests that Mamma Ehrencrona isn’t just interested in Felice having a nice boyfriend, she’s actually bringing marriage and babies into it. Which… is a lot. It’s so “a lot” that Felice rebels against her mother at the end of 1.3 by hooking up with August.

Although Felice’s initial act is one of rebellion, she ends up trapped back in the same place she started from, where socioeconomic status and performative gendered nonsense is prized above all else. August, after all, is still from the nobility and still comes with all that baggage Felice is getting from her parents. Felice’s relationship with August is very bad, especially behind closed doors where he’s constantly questioning her about who she’s with and where she’s going. To Hillerska at large, however, they give off the impression of being the school power couple. During moments of characters scrolling there phones we can see that in addition to being seen together, they also included photos of themselves together on one another’s instagrams. This contrast between the image and the reality of Felice’s relationship with August echoes Felice’s selfies with Rousseau.

As for Sara… well, if you nodded along to what I said before about the special teenage girl who is the only one who can tame the troubled horse, you probably already know where I’m going with this. Sara and August’s relationship doesn’t really come out of nowhere. Rather, they’ve spent an entire season taking a step closer to one another, literally and figuratively, every few scenes. You know the cliché where the horse girl visits the troubled horse every day and gets a little bit closer each time until the horse finally trusts the girl enough to eat sugar cubes out of her hand? Yeah. Same rhythm/pacing as the Sara/August scenes, and it only gets more obvious in season 2. That scene where he’s having a panic attack and she calms him down? He is a scared horse. We’re all on the same page, right? I hope we’re all on the same page.

In some ways, it’s not a perfect analogy and doesn’t always match up in a one to one way. Most horse girl books stay wish fulfillment and there isn’t always a moment of “the horse is Bad Actually, and we will remind you that the horse released a sex video of the horse girl’s brother.” But I think the horse girl novel coding speaks to what makes a relationship with August appealing to Sara in the first place. Deep down Sara wants to be special and exceptional to someone else, and she feels she understands things about August (and how to keep his emotions regulated) that other people don’t. As Sara sees it, she’s taken time to build trust with August. It’s the two of them together against really difficult odds, and she’ll take the difficulty that comes with that.

Also, while we’re here, the first place August kisses Sara is the stables. And there’s that entire conversation Felice and Sara have when Sara comes back after having sex in 2.3. I’m just saying. It’s right there. We’re all doing the math, right? We all see it?

People Of Good Breeding

Here’s where it gets even more icky.

In season 2, Felice decides to quit riding. This makes keeping Rousseau a bad investment, so Felice plans to sell him, and Sara decides to tag along. When a particular family expresses interest in Rousseau and comes to Hillerska to assess him, Sara swiftly dubs them the Worst Kind of Horse People.

What makes the Worst Kind of Horse People so upsetting to Sara? They don’t know how to respond to Rousseau, and they don’t treat him with the compassion Sara does. They’re willing to endure Rousseau’s volatile moods, however, because of he’s a thoroughbred and has a prestigious pedigree.

Things I did not know before watching a documentary about it: apparently all the thoroughbreds that exist in the world now are descended from three historical stallions. They are inbred af. IRL people who own thoroughbred stallions now will charge ~$50,000 per insemination in like a horse breeding hookup situation. Which… what? What the literal fuck. I get that this is a hobby people feel very passionate about and find fulfillment in, so I am trying not to be judgmental… and also that is a lot of money (more than half my yearly salary) for just one instance of breeding horses. So I’m still wrapping my head around it.

It stands to reason that the Worst Kind of Horse People could want Rousseau for his, um, genetic material. Anyway, let’s talk about the monarchy and the line of succession.

At the same time that the Worst Kind of Horse People are expressing interest in Rousseau, the royal court has started to pay attention to August. According to the YR fictional family tree, August is next in line for the throne after Wilhelm. Kristina’s advisors have plans to groom (see what I did there) August as a backup heir if Wilhelm keeps insisting on having free will. (Really! The audacity! Good for Wilhelm, though, we’re all rooting for him.)

For August, the idea of being elevated to spare prince, or potentially even king one day, feels liberating. Based on how he’s acting at the shooting range after his visit to the palace, he sees a chance for himself to leave his crimes behind and not be caught in his guilt. But I want to pause for a moment and consider the scene in 2.4 where he gets the phone call from the palace. Jan-Olof asks August a series of privacy-invading questions, including ones that touch on his sexual history. The final question (and therefore the one the writers want you to notice) is simply “are you heterosexual?” to which August replies that he is.

There’s a tempting rabbit hole I could go down about what it means for August to go beyond just engaging in toxic heterosexual behavior, and actually embrace heterosexuality as a label, and because it’s a tempting rabbit hole I will save it for another meta. What I want to focus on here is how sinister this scene feels. Part of that is because we (and Sara) know how blatantly and easily August is lying, and that he’s slipping back into his old, status-loving, drug-abusing self. In light of the established Rousseau parallels, however, I can’t ignore the subtext that the royal court is interested in whether or not they can “domesticate” August just enough that they can get him to eventually marry the right girl and produce a legitimate heir to the throne. That’s it. Nothing more. They aren’t interested in helping him with his addiction or getting him into therapy for his disordered eating or helping him process his dad’s death—all of which would put him in a better emotional place, and maybe even prevent him from returning to the emotionally dangerous mindset he was in when he outed Wilhelm and Simon to the entire world. On a metaphorical level, the royal court is basically treating August as livestock. Which. Is gross, actually.

Now, don’t get me wrong. We all know that August himself perpetuates a lot of gross sexual behavior toward others. Aside from releasing the video, he’s selfish and borderline emotionally abusive toward Felice, especially about sex. He constantly eggs on his classmates to stand up on the breakfast table and brag about their “conquests.” He eventually becomes extremely sweet and tender with Sara, but that’s only after he’s tried to get her to sell him drugs, bullied her family about not being able to eat lunch on Parents’ Weekend, and kissing her without her consent in the stables. August is very much Not Someone Who Respects The Sexual And Reproductive Autonomy Of Others and yet! There is this whole entire system of hereditary monarchy behind him, aiming to control every aspect of his life and violate his privacy, and he is a teenager. It’s not okay that they do it to Wilhelm either. We know they’re trying to do it to Wilhelm even now, and we get the sense they did it to Erik too, given the lines about the OnlyFans girlfriend needing to be hushed up.

I think it’s easy to say, well, August is power hungry and amoral enough that he consents to having his privacy invaded, and he does, but I legitimately wonder if he knows what he’s getting into. (Case in point: I think August really believes that the palace crowd would let him publicly date Sara. And, no. Even if Sara weren’t Simon’s sister, I can’t imagine they’d be excited about him dating the neurodivergent daughter of an immigrant mother and a father with a shady drug past. At the very least they’d force Sara to sign some pretty hefty NDAs.) My point is, you can consent to something and still end up in a weird power dynamic that’s bad for you and doesn’t honor where your feelings are. You can be a person of privilege who harms others, while still being harmed by systems of privilege yourself. And that’s precisely part of what makes August a compelling and complicated character.

Look, I just wish more people nowadays had seen the legendary 1990s anime Revolutionary Girl Utena because they would then get what I mean when I say that August isn’t Akio, he’s Saionji.

…I’m off track. My point is that the reproductive subtext in that scene is deeply unsettling and August’s nakedness in front of the window only makes it moreso. Right. Moving on.

What’s Next? The Horse and His Boy

(Apologies for naming this last section after a problematic Narnia book.)

Man. I wish I could just write August off and clamor for his untimely and violent death without a care in the world. The reality is that I’m under a curse, and that curse makes me want to see him eventually sort his life out, one way or another.

Let me be clear about what that does and doesn’t mean: I don’t mean that I don’t want to see him face consequences for the very real crime he did. I don’t mean I think he should suddenly be perfect and woke. I don’t mean that he and Sara should get back together. I don’t mean I want to see everyone forgive him. I just mean I want August to honestly confront the truth of his life so far and go “you know what? I suck. I can do better. I’m not even sure how, and I’m gonna make mistakes along the way, but maybe I can suck less.” And maybe he takes one tiny step where you’re like, if he keeps taking steps like this, this kid could turn out okay by age 40. Maybe. I feel incredibly exposed even saying this, since I know August is so widely despised by so many people in fandom, and I know other people who are okay with letting him stay in the villain zone, but I also feel like if anyone can pull off this story, it’s Lisa Ambjörn. She gets nuance, and she gets young people their flaws and their family conflicts. If YR were a different show, with a different writer and a different morality underlying the stories it tells, I would feel differently. But I don’t, and I think Lisa can pull off a complex story like that. So here we are.

(For examples of YA novels that pull off this kind of narrative catharsis, check out the character arc of the protagonist Deposing Nathan by Zack Smedley. Or pay attention to the uncle’s character arc in Randy Ribay’s Patron Saints of Nothing.)

There’s a very soft acting choice of Malte’s in 2.3, where August goes to meet Sara in the stables, to ask if she wants to come by and talk later. Sara’s getting Rousseau settled for the evening, and August reaches out and pats Rousseau on the nose. If I’m remembering the scene correctly, the usually temperamental Rousseau is calm in response.

We’ve seen August act self-aggrandizing before so he can build himself up and threaten other people. We’ve also seen him engage in escalating acts of self-harm (via excessive exercising and calorie counting) when he isn’t living up to his own strict standards. What we don’t see a lot is him having compassion for himself. If we accept that Rousseau is August’s shadow-self, then this nose pat is a rare moment of self-compassion. It’s at this point in the season that August realizes he needs to exist in community with other people, and that he needs to actually process his overwhelming emotions instead of lashing out at others. He makes an effort to try and quit using drugs, genuinely connects with Sara, and even briefly defends Simon when Vincent gets on Simon’s case after the indoor rowing match. It’s a positive trajectory and a glimmer of what could have been. That lasts until his visit to the palace, when August is offered the position as Wilhlem’s backup and starts to go back to his old ways. Moreover, the pressure of becoming the spare creates new complications for August’s mental health, and he slides back into lashing out at others again.

At the end of the season, August views Rousseau as a commodity and buys him for Sara in a Grand Gesture (TM) that’s actually pretty alarming and could be categorized as love-bombing. Sara is not impressed (I suspect she’s witnessed Micke love-bombing Linda, and all her alarm bells are going off) and continues her trip to the bus stop so she can report him to the police.

I could talk about the police call and the part where Sara is playing with a small horse keychain at the bus stop, but that might be the topic for another meta. Instead I want to take a moment to think about the practical fact that August owns a horse now. This opens up a few questions: if Rousseau continues to be August’s shadow-self, what does it mean for August to buy and own Rousseau? Is August going to have to learn to take care of Rousseau now? How much farther can we extend this metaphor?

Patience, comrades. We’re almost to the finish line.

By buying Rousseau, August has allowed himself to be bought by the aristocratic power structure that’s been trying to maneuver him into royal life. He’s started to actually use the inheritance left for him by his father—not because he’s finally started to process his grief, but because he’s doubling down on the idea that he deserves his inherited wealth and that he can use it as lavishly as he wishes. What’s interesting is the way he thinks this makes him into someone Sara will stay in love with. There’s the quid pro quo of it all, which is the obvious surface reading, but there’s also another level wherein August has been raised to believe that this is the ideal of aristocratic masculinity, and therefore what Sara would be attracted to. He assumes Sara wants the prince (even if he has to be a little bit Machiavelli’s the Prince behind the scenes to play that role.) But Sara wants the trust and care and connection, and a bond that’s a little bit weird and unique and ultimately private. She also values honesty and accountability. Sara doesn’t want the prince—she wants the horse. But not the literal one. And not necessarily in a material ownership kind of way, either.

As we move into season 3, I find myself wondering what’s next for August and Rousseau. Like. August owns a horse now. Is he going to have to take care of it? Like is he going to have to learn how to groom Rousseau and muck stalls and such? I get that he’s rich and can probably pay someone to do that for him, but given the way that Rousseau is meant to be a commentary on August’s character arc, there’s a lot of narrative potential (and dare I say… humor?) in August just having to learn to take care of the horse his own damn self in season 3. I feel like it could allow for some great moments of introspection on August’s part, if done well, and could lead him to a place of radical acceptance. We don’t even have to rule out August going to jail for his crimes, but knowing that jail is not the kind of thing that will happen in the first five minutes of the first five episodes, why not facilitate some internal character growth via horse chores first?

Alternately, August will just keep doubling down on making someone else do the horse chores. This would be consistent, if nothing else. He may just continue to be horrible, in which case I am worried for Rousseau.

(Please, Lisa Ambjörn and/or god and/or Epona. I am so desperate for this as-of-present unrepentant fuckboy to have to do symbolic horse chores that end up being about him finally coming to terms with the impact his counterrevolutionary behavior has on others. Is that so wrong?)

Anyway, I guess we won’t know until season 3. Thank you for sticking around if you’ve read this far—it ended up being way longer than intended! I’m back on tumblr after being away since 2015 or so, so this post feels like a wild way to reappear. But I’m glad I shared my thoughts all the same. Have a blessed Saturday, fandom.

[noteguk]

how things have been and where do we go from here: a very needed and overdue update

Hello, everyone! A few hours ago I made my first post in a little over a year on this blog. The way I left was very abrupt and I pretty much ghosted everyone, so this is a post explaining why that happened and what are my plans moving forward. I’ll be as honest as I can and, before the cut, there is a shortened version of events and a quick Q&A of the things most people care about. If you don’t wanna read any more than that, it’s totally fine!

So, to keep things simple: a lot of things happened at once and, combining with a growing dissatisfaction with my writing, I just… deleted tumblr off my phone and decided to give myself a few months off. But one thing led to another, I had a few too many personal tragedies, med school got the best of me (which I finished last month, yay!) and I didn’t come back. Simple as that: life got in the way.

I tried to write here and there, but I was completely burned out and nothing came out properly. What was once an escape to me turned into something I was forcing myself to do and, along with my distancing from the fandom and BTS as a whole, I just didn’t have any inspiration. Hopefully that cloud has passed now. So here are my plans for this blog as of now.

Bad Influence Series: as previously stated, bad karma is the last part of the ongoing series timeline. I promised a final epilogue and that’s something that I’ll try my best to deliver, since so many people have devoted themselves to this couple. Being very frank, it’s not amongst my plans to post any more drabbles after that. And I’ll try to post a new work before I come back to BI.

Other stories: I came back with the prime intention to write again, but I must say it will not be as frequent as it used to be — not only for time management reasons, but because I don’t wanna burn myself out. I’ll take things slowly and try to focus more on shorter stories (so no more series for now), intercalating that with bigger ones. By the time I left I was pretty much posting 5k+ fics every week, which will not happen again (I don’t even have the brain for that honestly lmao)

Is this a definite return? Well… I don’t know. This is a risky attempt at most, honestly. I’ll try my best and I’ll start writing again, but there’s always a chance that this phase has passed for me and nothing will come out of this. Regardless, even if that is the case, I won’t vanish like last time, and I’ll make a proper goodbye post. I miss and love this community very much and I admit I’m shameful of the way I left. This blog has been a home to me and you guys have turned into such good friends, I really miss it all!

For those who want to know the details, read below the cut. For those who don’t, thank you for coming this far and thank you for still caring about my silly little blog. You guys have supported me through it all and I’m extremely thankful for it.

If I were to make a list of everything that happened this last year, we’d stay here for a very long time. Around the time that I left, things have started getting really complicated on my personal sphere: I started working on my closing thesis for med school, started my last year of it, had a huge falling out with my best friend and lost someone I loved very much. All that combined with my previously stated frustration with writing, plus my decaying mental health, it wasn’t surprising looking back that I freaked out and left the way I did.

My main issue with writing was something that hasn’t really changed, that’s why I’m hesitant to claim this as a comeback: I started feeling really weird about writing about real people. That has never been an issue before, and it’s not a moral attack against writers here or anything like that. I just started feeling strange about it, and I couldn’t shake that feeling off. Maybe it was just a side effect of being burned out, because it wasn’t as if OCs or anime stories were coming out any easier. So I gave myself time. And I hope that is enough.

The plan was to come back around July 2022, but I had a very traumatic death in my nuclear family and I stopped functioning completely. Luckily I have very amazing people in my life who helped me through the hardest parts of it, but, still, I guess it’s easy to see why writing wasn’t in the forefront of my mind.

Other than that — gurl u have no idea about the shit I’ve done lmaooo. I worked six months delivering babies??? Which was crazy??? I also studied under amazing professionals in a neonatal ICU, participated in so many surgeries and even published two papers. Your girl has been BUSY, I’ll tell you that. This past year has been one of immense personal and academic growth and, overall, I’m really happy about it. I also met the love of my life but that’s a story for another day.

So, again: my plans moving forward. Simply and objectively: try my best and hope to succeed. Once again, I miss you guys so much, and I admit I sneakily came back once or twice to see how things have been and all the messages I’ve gotten in the meantime. I’m flabbergasted and grateful at the continuous support you’ve thrown my way and it’s one of the main reasons why I decided to give this blog another go. So, yeah. Let’s see how this goes!

[spaghettificationandpretzels]

A Voice Through the Nothingness Part 10

Series Masterlist

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

Please drop a comment if you're enjoying my work.

Contains: Fluff, angst, fluff. This is still a slow burn.

4.7 K words

Comment if you want to be tagged or follow #a voice through the nothingness.

“When I look into your eyes, I'm curious to know what you see?”- A.K. Kuykendall

Hazel sighed and texted Billy, "I'm going to be twenty minutes late. Thank you for waiting for me." 

The ping of Hazel's special text tone pulled Billy out of the meeting with Frank in an instant "No worries, bad day at work?" 

Frank chuckled, "You talking to Hazel?" 

Billy nodded, "Yeah, she's going to be late. I just hope she's ok." 

Frank dismissed Billy's worry, "She'd be fine, she's probably just had to deal with some asshole parent and has a mountain of paperwork." 

Billy felt his heart slow, "You're right." 

Her tone sang again, "You have no idea, I'll tell you all about it if you want." 

Billy huffed and texted her back, "Hell yeah." He turned back to Frank, "She had a bad day at work. You got any updates on this senator?" 

Frank nodded and threw the file in his hand to Billy, "Yeah, it's nothing to worry about." 

****

Hazel was precisely twenty minutes late and Billy hopped up off the picnic blanket that he had set up under the tree to help her with the basket, "I'm sorry, I had to go home and have a long shower."

Billy noticed her curls were still damp, pilled on her head in a messy bun. He could smell her conditioner, it smelt like brown sugar and vanilla. "Gross stuff?"

They reached the blanket and she shook her head, "No, fucking anti vaxxers. I didn't want to go near anyone, still covered in whooping cough, I had a quick shower at the hospital and a long one at home. I had to put my scrubs in a biohazard bag, they're soaking in disinfectant as we speak."

Billy chuckled, "Don't get Curt started. We saw what the lack of modern medicine did to people. I don't know how you don't punch idiots like that."

Hazel sat down and gave Billy a look as if to tell him she wanted to, "Neither do I. None of that matters anyway, the kid's improving in the PICU and I got to give a lecture to the parents while the head doc sat in the room with his arms crossed."

Billy sat next to her and laid out the plates while she pulled out the food, "Oh, I loved getting to do those. The idiot looks at your superior thinking they'll help out and they just stand there. Best feelings ever."

Billy went to pluck a grape and Hazel raised a finger, "Those are grapes for the ducks, I bought better ones for us." She held up a bowl and he took one, holding back a moan as the sweet taste filled his mouth, "What about you?"

Billy sighed, "We got another job with a senator from out of state, he's here campaigning for cheap energy and may of may not have pissed off some oil people."

Hazel blinked, "Wow, good luck."

Billy chuckled, "I'm guessing you don't like oil companies?"

She shook her head, "Nope, I hate diamond companies too. I wrote my Master's thesis on caring for children who worked in gemstone mines. Needless to say, your clients and I have very different opinions on jewellery."

Billy gave Hazel a soft smile, "You and be both. We all saw what those thing do and what people did to get them. I look at their fancy watches and their wife's nice necklaces and I hate it."

Billy picked up the little sandwich Hazel had placed on her plate and looked it over, "What's this?"

Hazel smiled, "It's nice, egg and chives. There's also ham and tomato, cucumber, tuna fish, and cream and jam."

Billy took it in with one bite, "Wow, this is great."

Hazel chuckled, "Ok good, because I made more than sandwiches." She picked up a glass container and placed to contents into two little bowls, "Strawberry Salad with Balsamic, it's very good. There's also some mini chicken wraps and tiny chocolate cakes for sweets."

Billy's eyes went wide, "Wow, you are impressive. I've never had such a fancy picnic."

Hael laughed, "Life is too short for bland food. One day I'll make you my super spicy curry.

Billy smiled, "If it's anything like the rest of this stuff I'm not going to say no."

****

Billy rested back on his elbows, his stomach full, "I want to feed the ducks but I think I'm too full."

Hazel chuckled, "Come on, it will be fun and I don't want the grapes to go to waste." She stood up and extended her hands, helping Billy up with a grunt. They walked over to the small pond and say down on the bench before Hazel handed Billy a small handful of the green fruit.

Billy smiled, "You and Lizzy should come to Anvil and have a look around. They've all heard so much about you, so if don't bring you and Lizzy down they'll drag you there."

Hazel sighed, "I don't see why not, you've seen where I work so I should see where you work, it's only fair."

Billy nodded, "Very true. It's nice, very fancy. You can see our training facilities, our meeting rooms, hell we even have a shooting range where you can show me those skills that Frank keeps talking about."

"We'll be there, although I don't know if you want to end spend any time at your shooting range, I might show you up." Hazel knew that would get something out of him.

Billy smirked, "Oh yeah, you're telling me you're that good?"

Hazel nodded and tossed a grape to a honking duck, "Yep."

They fed the ducks until all the grapes were gone and they were both yawning, "Let me take you home, you've had a long day. I came on the subway, so you don't need to worry about my gas."

Hazel sighed, "Fine, you'll ask until I say yes anyway."

They walked almost arm in arm to the station and sat leg to leg as the train moved. Billy picked up on the people in the corners as he got closer but they didn't pay Hazel any attention, until she reached her building.

The man standing there gave her a look, "You good Hazelnut?"

She nodded, "This is Billy we're friends, he's ok."

Billy offered the man a slight smile, "I'm just going to drop her at her door, you don't need to worry about me."

The man smiled back, "Hazel's a nice lady, we're all on the same page here." Nothing more was said as Hazel walked through the front doors, up a flight of stairs and into a hallway.

They arrived at her door, and Billy watched as Hazel checked the corner of the door before pointing inside as she opened it, "You wanna come in for a coffee?"

Billy smiled, "Sure."

Hazel looked down at his feet, "Shoes off, please."

Billy kicked off his shoes and took a good look around, "Wow, this place is spotless, and really nice, did you do all of this?"

She nodded and headed over to the coffee machine, "I did, I fixed up a few other apartments too. One guy owns the whole thing and he's a cheap ass. So I told him as long as he paid for everything, I'd work for free. I've only done mine, Marge down the hall and one for a family downstairs but at least it's not sad yellow paint and decades old kitchens."

He smiled, "Wow, that's amazing." Hazel could see him going over his next sentence, "I saw you check the door before you opened it, I'm guessing for something to tell you if it had been opened. I know it's not my place to ask but are you safe? Because you don't act like someone who is."

Hazel paused making the coffee and turned to Billy, "I am, no one's looking for me, I'm not in deep with the mob. I just have this fear that my ex will get out one day and by the time they tell me, it will be too late. So I'm doing my best to be ready."

Billy smiled softly, "I'm not going to suggest you move to an Anvil protected apartment so someone can do that for you but if you ever need someone to spend the night at your door, just give me a call."

Hazel leaned against the counter before shutting off the machines and handing Billy his cup, "The beans are from Madagascar, vanilla with notes of caramel. You wanna feed Barry while you're here?"

Billy spun on his heel and looked right up Barry who was clearly trying to gain attention for food, "Why not, you got any calms?"

Hazel sighed, reached into the fridge and handed Billy a bag, "Only three, if he eats too much he'll get sick." She walked over a pulled off the tank lid and Billy chuckled and Barry went after the clams as Billy dropped them in.

Billy wasn't going to drop it, "I'll even send over a fish lover. We've got one guy who won't shut up about putting a tank in at Anvil, no charge to you but he'll do it for free anyway if you let him feed Barry."

Hazel shook her head, "I want to say yes but if I do that I'll never be able to be on my own. I have to come out of this stronger, not needing a crutch."

Billy chuckled, his tone slightly cynical, "Physician heal thyself. Maybe a good night's sleep will do you some good. I'm not saying you look tired, you always look great but I know how someone is when they're always watching their back. I won't ask you again, just know that the offer is there."

Hazel swallowed, "Thank Billy. You should let your friend put in that fish tank, they're good for your mental health."

Billy chuckled as Barry spat the clamshell out and came looking for more, "I'd have to agree. Can I get a Barry? He's like a dog with fins."

Hazel nodded, "He's a very special Fahaka Puffer. He's one of the first bred in captivity. He needs brackish water which is a mix of salt and fresh and the rest is pretty easy. The plants you see are really important, Barry's natural home is the Nile so they're all Nile plants. I know a guy who can get you everything."

Billy smiled, "That's great, when can I get the fish?"

Hazel sighed, "Not for a little while, you have to set up the tank first and let all the good stuff grow so it's safe for the fish."

"Done and done. I want an office buddy." Billy sounded so excited, "How big will he get?"

Hazel pulled her hands apart, "Eighteen inches. He's got one more tank upgrade in his future. He's less than two years old and he's only got another eight inches to grow so he'll live fifteen years. His final home will be a one hundred gallon tank."

Billy chuckled, "That's huge."

Hazel nodded, "Yeah, next to my house it's the thing I'm saving for. I know he's just a fish but I love him."

Billy shook his head, "He's not just a fish Hazel, he's your friend." Billy sat on the small couch with a sigh, "Thank you for having me over and as much as I would like to stay, my phone keeps buzzing in my pocket."

Hazle smiled softly, "Thank you for coming. Lizzy and I will be at Anvil when you guys have the time, just let us know."

Billy walked over to the skink and washed and dried his empty cup, "Can I help with the other dishes?" He could see that Hazel was thinking it over but before she could say yes, his phone rang, "I'm sorry, that means something needs my attention. I'll make it up to you."

Hazel smiled and headed for the door, "It's alright. I get a time from Lizzy and text you."

Billy stood still at the door and took a deep breath before smiling down at her, "Can I give you a hug?"

Hazel's answer was to give him one first and Billy relaxed into her embrace, "Be safe out there."

Billy chuckled, "I always am. Goodnight Hazel."

She gave him a soft wave as he stepped out of her apartment, "Goodnight Billy."

****

Hazel and Lizzy walked through Anvil's front doors and looked around, it looked as nice as they had described it with with huge windows and sleek design. Hazel all but skipped up to the front desk and waved at the young man working it, "Hello, I'm Hazel and this is Lizbeth, Billy, Curt and Frank are expecting us."

The man nodded, "They are. I'll call them and they'll come down and get you. In the meantime, have a seat or get yourself something to drink."

Lizzy gave Hazel a look, "Thank you sir. We'll be sure to tell your bosses, you are great at your job."

They were down a few minutes later and hugs were exchanged before Billy waved his hand with a smile, "Shall we ladies."

Hazel turned to Lizzy who gave a nod, "We shall. Lead the way."

Billy walked them further into the building and down the hall, stopping before another set of windows that looked out into a gym, "This is our training area where we review new recruits."

Lizzy blinked, "Wow, no wonder you're all so jacked." Curt straightened his back, but it was clear that day he felt a little shy.

Billy walked down the wall to another area that looked almost the same but empty, "This is the staging area, we do lots of stuff here."

He took them to an elevator then hit the button to one floor above. When the doors opened, Billy resumed the tour, "This floor has all our offices but mine and Frank's and all our meeting rooms.

Lizzy tapped Curis on the shoulder, "Where's you office?"

Curt chuckled, "Downstairs by the gym, I like to be around everyone."

Lizzy smiled, "Isn't that sweet."

Hazel exchanged a look with Billy and Frank, then turned to Lizzy, "Ask him out. This flirting without action is getting really weird."

Frank slapped a hand to his mouth to stifle the laugh while Billy grinned. Lizzy smiled and shook her head before turning to Curt, "Would you like to go on a date with me?"

Curt returned her smile, "Yeah, that would be great."

"Now that's over, can we see more. This place is super cool." Hazel sounded over the moon.

Billy smiled, "Sure. I think we should go to the range and see if you live up to Frank's hype."

Hazel tapped her bag, "I'm ready for it. Which brings me to my next question, you must have hidden metal detectors because we're both armed and we weren't stopped at the door, nor did we go through anything. Explanation one is that you're not checking, which I don't believe, and option two is that you are, and we've already been given to ok to enter the building."

Billy shook his head is disbelief, "You're one of only a few people who released we've been using hidden metal detectors. You sure you don't want to come and work for me?"

She shook her head, "I love my job so no but I'm happy to keep blowing your mind."

Billy chuckled, "I'm sure you are but I'll believe it when I see it."

Billy led them back to the elevator and then it took them down to the basement, the doors opening to a huge floor with rows upon rows of gun lockers on both sides and a range at the end. They walked to the booths and Billy grabbed targets and Frank retrieved earplugs and goggles while Hazel and Izzy took their guns from their bags.

Once the targets were set up, every one put in their ear and eye protection and then shooting positions were taken and the guns were raised. No one jumped as the shots went off and in a handful of seconds, the guns were empty.

There was a buzz that indicted the range was cold and the targets slid forward, "Fuck yeah." Hazel chuckled at Lizzy's exclamation.

Billy huffed as he looked over the targets, "Fuck yeah is right, you ladies are deadly."

Lizzy sighed, "It's all Hazel, she's the one who taught me."

Frank smiled, "Atta girl."

Hazel waved a hand, "It's nothing, I've just had a lot of practice."

Curt chuckled, "No need to be humble, there are people out there who have been shooting for years who aren't that good."

Lizzy sighed, "Well, unlike Hazel, I'm happy to take the compliment."

Hazel chuckled, "Have I lived up to the hype?"

Billy nodded, "Oh yeah you have. How about we head out and get some lunch, maybe we can talk about how two nurses could beat my staff in a shootout?"

Hazel smiled, "Ok, but only if you don't try and recruit us."

Billy nodded, "I make no promise. We can go to that little diner on fifth." Just as everyone walked off, Billy's hand wrapped softly around Hazel's wrist, "Can I steal you for a second."

Hazel nodded, "Sure, what's up?"

Billy paused, unsure of how to proceed, "Are you sure you're alright?"

Hazel nodded, "Yep, why wouldn't I be."

Billy's hand was still around her wrist, "Because you're groupings made it pretty clear that you've spent a lot of time training to kill someone when you get the chance. I'm not judging you and I think you're doing the right thing, I'm just worried that something keeping you up and night."

Hazel swallowed, "I'm still healing, being able to protect myself helps a lot."

Billy didn't ask for the hug this time and Hazel found herself ready to collapse in his arms, "Do you want to come over for dinner?"

He was taken aback but caught himself, "Yeah, I'd love that."

****

Billy knew something was wrong the moment Hazel opened the door, she seemed flatter and even more protective of her space than she usually was, "Is everything alright?"

Hazel nodded, "Yeah, fine. Why do you ask?"

Billy noticed how she checked down the hall before she closed the door, "You're jumpy."

Hazel waved her hand dismissively, "Sorry about that. I have a bad day at work." She pointed to the box in his hand, "Did you bring something?"

Billy nodded, "Yep, I know you probably made dessert but I know how much you like those double chocolate brownies from the chocolate shop. I only brought two."

Hazel smiled, "Well that was a good choice because I made super fancy vanilla ice cream and those brownies warm up like a dream."

Billy took a deep breath and inhaled the smell of her cooking, "Whatever's for dinner tonight smells great."

Hazel took the box from Billy and walked the few steps to her kitchen, "A lovely roast pork with crackling, homemade bread, some roasted veggies, a tomato salad, and I made some sand cookies with different kinds of cream for you to take home."

Billy felt his stomach growl, "That sounds really good."

Hazel pointed to the fridge, "You want anything to drink? I've got beer, water, fresh peach juice."

Billy thought for a moment, "Fresh peach juice sounds really good."

Billy walked into the kitchen and looked around, spying two cups already out. He slid placed them on the bench behind her and watched as she opened the fridge and took out a fancy judge filled with juice, "Wow, even your fridge is spotless."

Hazel chuckled, "My fridge is perfect, I've seen enough food poisoning to know that a dirty fridge is where it starts. You want ice?" Billy nodded and he could help but smile and she dropped a handful of frozen peach chunks into his glass, then into hers, "Dinner will be ready soon."

"That's great. Can I do anything to help?" Billy wasn't going to lie, he wanted to make a good impression.

Hazel shook her head, "Nope, everything is done. All I need to do is take the pork out of the oven when it's done."

Billy shook his head, "There must be something I can do. You've spent your only day off cooking."

Hazel sighed, "The only thing that I need to be is to sharpen the knives and I'm not asking you to do that."

Billy grinned, "How many do you need to do?"

"Two. Dinner will be ready soon, you don't need to do anything." Hazel bent down, opened the oven and checked the pork, "It will be done in fifteen minutes, you're my guest, you should be enjoying your drink and relaxing."

Billy shook his head and pointed to the sink, "Is that your wet stone soaking in the sink?" Hazel nodded, "Great, it has to rest for ten minutes before you serve it and I know there's no way you cut the tomatoes that well with dull knives. I'll be done with time to spare."

Hazel sighed, "Alright. Thank you, it's not my favourite task."

"Really, why?" Billy loved it, but then again, he wasn't just sharpening cooking knives.

Hazel shuddered, "I hate the texture, it gives me the willies."

Billy took the block from the sink and brought it over to the counter next to Hazel before Hazel handed him the two knives, "You've already used it today?"

Hazel nodded, "Yeah, I did the rest of them plus the ones we'll use tonight."

Billy shrugged, "That makes my life even easier, the little metal shavings help."

Hazel held up a hand like she could feel it as he moved the knife across the block, "I know. God I don't know how you enjoy that."

Billy chuckled, "It's meditative." Hazel would have responded but she was watching the way his long fingers pushed the blade back and forth, "You wanna tell me what happened today? You're doing a good job at hiding it but you jump every there's a noise on the street." Billy could see Hazel was thinking about lying, "You can tell me, I've seen it all."

Hazel blinked, "I lied. It happened at work but it has nothing to do with it."

Billy could hear the worry creeping into her voice, "That doesn't matter, if you don't get it out of your brain, you won't have room for dinner."

Hazel swallowed, "I got a call from the DA that handled my Ex's case. He's coming up for parole in a week. I have no idea how and they won't tell me. My guess is that he's a rat."

Billy thought he had his rage back under control but what was bubbling under his skin made him feel like he was on fire, he was so angry his teeth hurt. He took a deep breath, knowing that blowing up now would only do harm, "When do you need to leave for the hearing?"

Hazel shook her head, "I don't, I'm an essential service worker. I can do it via video. Work knows, they've given me a conference room so I can appear and say my piece."

Billy rubbed his face, "Nothing has happened yet. We'll all be there for you, with how much money Anvil has donated, they won't say no."

Hazel gave him a soft smile, "Thank you. It's two thirty on Thursday."

Billy placed his hand on her shoulder, "Done. How are you feeling?"

Hazel huffed, "Other than all the normal things? I could eat a horse and I never have an appetite when I'm worried."

Billy let out of sympathetic laugh, "That's really normal. The part of your brain that's telling you to do all those things you do to keep yourself safe knows you have to eat. I won't be much longer with these but if you want to talk about it more until dinner's done we can."

Hazel shook her head, "No, I'm alright. I've planned a nice night. I want to keep it that way."

Hazel walked away to check the pork, smiling as she pulled it from the oven and Billy felt his mouth water at the sight of it, "Shit that looks good."

Hazel slid the tray onto a wooden board and wrapped the meat to keep it warm, "Not only now, you think you'll be done with the knives soon?"

Billy nodded, "Yep."

"Good, I'll set the table." Hazel popped the bread into the hot oven to get warm first before setting the table then taking the sides over. By the time Billy had washed the knives and placed them in the block, Hazel had taken the meat over and had topped up their drinks, "You ready?"

Billy nodded and walked over to the small table and pulled out her chair and Hazel sat down with a smile, "You are so charming."

Billy chuckled, "You cooked for me, it's the least I could do."

Hazel waved her hand, "Please, serve yourself." Billy piled his plate high before pointing to the uncarved pork with his fork, "Go for it, you can tell me if you think I should leave the sharping to you from now on."

The knife cut through the meat like butter and Billy smiled, "I'm very impressed. The knife is sharp and the meat is amazing."

Hazel watched as Billy took a bite, his filling with enjoyment as he tried the various dishes, "How can tomatoes and salt taste so good?"

Hazel's eyes crinkled with a smile, "I use tomatoes from the farmer's market and there's a bit of garlic."

"When does Barry get his dinner." Billy didn't miss how the fish was following him around the room all night.

Hazel shook her head fondly, "He doesn't, he got something from the market this morning."

Billy made a face, "I feel bad eating all this nice food in front of him."

Hazel chuckled, "Don't fall for his silly little fish face, he will extort you."

Billy held back a moan as the crackling shattered under his teeth, "You got a dream kitchen?"

Hazel nodded, "Yep, I have a," she paused, vision book didn't sound right, "I have a book with everything I want it in, from floorboard stain to the kitchen all laid out. I know what I need to pay for everything, I have planned it down to the last screw. I just need the house."

"So you're alright with a fixer upper?" Billy had a feeling he knew the answer.

"That's what I'm looking for, I want something I can put love into." He could see the determination on her face.

"That sounds like a nice dream and I guess you can practice on this place until then." Billy was happy to admit that it felt more like a home than his loft back at Anvil.

Hazel smiled, "It has made every late night and early morning worth it."

Billy's plate was empty before he knew it and then dessert was being served up the moment the brownies were warm. At the first bite of the ice cream, Billy's eyes rolled into the back of his head, "Holy shit, I've never had vanilla ice cream this good."

Hazel chuckled, "It's all in the vanilla. Thank you for the brownies, they really made the night."

Billy smiled, "It was my pleasure."

All too soon, the night was over, Billy helped Hazel wash the dishes but only after her protests and then he was standing at the door with part of him hoping she was going to ask him to stay. Alas, she didn't, "Thank you so much for coming, I'm sorry there were no leftovers."

Billy shook his head, "I don't think I could control myself if there was. You gotta let me cook for you next time."

Hazel smiled, "I didn't know you could cook."

Billy nodded, "Yeah, and I'm pretty good at it. How does this same time next week sound?"

Hazel's smile grew, "I'd love that."

Billy mirrored her smile, "Good, I have a loft at Anvil so you won't have any trouble finding the place."

"Ok, I'll be there," Hazel opened her arms and Billy wrapped his around her, "Goodnight Billy."

Billy felt his chest fill with warmth, "Goodnight Hazel."

Part 11

@rainbowgoblinfan

[remyfire]

Hawkeye Pierce and Frank Burns for the ship ask?

Do I Ship It?

No, I Don’t Ship It!!

Why don’t you ship it? —Oh my goodness, we've landed on one of my very few NOTPs. What a beautiful thing to think about at 7am. I think the ultimate reason why I don't like it is because I do not like Frank. Notably I know why I don't like Frank, and it's because Larry did such a kickass job with making me dislike him. Larry is such a phenomenal actor, and he produced a pathetic antagonist who gives me the very rare cognitive dissonance of disliking a character but liking that I dislike a character, and I respect and admire every ounce of that. Ultimately I feel like Frank is not interested in healing from the effects of the abuse and bullying that made him who he is—in fact, I feel that he'd actively work against it because it involves giving up things he's not willing to let go of—and that doesn't appeal to me, especially not for Hawkeye. When I think about characters who I like playing against Hawkeye, they're ones who challenge him and push him to grow beyond who he already is, and I don't feel like I get that with this ship.

What would have made you like it? —If I had seen more signs that Frank was interested in evolving as a person, I would've likely been much more into it. But as has been pointed out many times—including by Larry himself—that removes the thesis for Frank and the archetype that he represents, and thus he would no longer really be Frank to me. He would be just some guy.

Despite not shipping it, do you have anything positive to say about it? —I absolutely understand what compels so many people about this ship in particular—including but not limited to just Hawkeye, why the fuck are you like that with this man? Can you stop trying to/succeeding in your desire to kiss him and get your hands off him for two seconds? A lot of creators are doing incredibly interesting and hilarious and touching things with them in their fanworks and I love knowing how inspiring they are for so many. It's just not for me.

[prince-of-elsinore]

Dear M*A*S*H: S1 Ep 04 “Chief Surgeon Who”

Previous episode here.

Aka, Pilot Redux.

This episode does everything the pilot does, only better. It contains a thesis statement of sorts--this time, surprisingly, in the mouth of Henry Blake to Frank Burns: “We can’t be so G.I. we lose patients”; it contains a broad introduction to the camp’s zaniness and co-ed shenanigans, which General Barker experiences as he wanders around looking for Col. Blake; it deftly illustrates the main relationship dynamics of the camp, especially between Frank and Margaret; it puts proof to the claim that Hawkeye is the best surgeons around; it even repeats the beat of a general coming around to apologize for judging Hawkeye prematurely. It also does something the pilot does not; it establishes one of the few permanent changes that will occur in the early seasons, in the form of Hawkeye being named Chief Surgeon. If this change was going to occur so early anyway, my narrative-structure-loving brain insists that this would make a perfect inciting incident for the series as a whole. Overall, this episode strikes me as the Pilot that should have been.

We open with the excellent image of Trapper John using two bedpans for a foot soak. What could sum up the spirit of Trapper and Hawkeye better? Hospital equipment--designed specifically as shit receptacles, no less--appropriated for personal pleasure, a sorry approximation of what they’d rather be doing and where they’d rather be (much like golf in the minefield, or any time the two of them sip martinis together in lawn chairs in front of the Swamp). It also serves a practical purpose related directly to one of the many discomforts associated with their work; Trapper complains that he wishes they’d let them operate sitting down. The long hours in O.R. will be a well of discomfort the show draws from again and again; here they’re evoked through an efficient, characterful visual gag.

While Trapper is soaking and Hawkeye is drinking a martini and hugging a guitar (does he even play it? An odd detail, chosen for its aesthetic more than anything, I suspect), Frank has been busy typing away. He interjects, “Haven’t you two anything better to do when you’re off-duty than to lie around and swill gin?” This peevish comment not only sets him apart from Trapper and Hawkeye, it also introduces the main conflict. The driving force of the episode is the clash of personalities between Hawkeye and Frank: an interpersonal conflict, for the first time, rather than an externally imposed one. While both internal and external conflict can lend themselves to good storytelling, it’s satisfying to see a show able to mine its own cast of characters for motivated plot lines this early in the game, and it breaks up the repetitive pattern of the the previous three episodes.

The following exchange about what Frank is typing offers us Frank Burns in a nutshell, fully formed as he has not yet been presented to us. He’s writing his patients back home--not because he’s concerned for them, mind you; they’re form letters, he tells Hawkeye without shame. No, Frank Burns is concerned only for himself and retaining the patients whom he sees as nothing but the cash cows that have allowed him to buy his infamous “$35,000 house and two cars.” The exaggeration of his military exploits in his letters also give us a taste of Frank’s jingoism and yearning for wartime glory.

The bickering continues in O.R. and comes to a head when Oliver, a brain surgeon, asks the others what to do about a pancreatic injury. Frank and Hawkeye give conflicting answers; Frank’s is by the book, but Hawkeye’s is based on more recent medical knowledge. “You’re a year behind in journals,” he accuses. This humiliation prompts Frank to file a complaint with Col. Blake pressing charges against Hawkeye, which in turn prompts Col. Blake to appoint a head surgeon to avoid future conflict.

“You may just turn out to be one of the good guys yet, Henry.”

Henry’s unorthodox decision to make Hawkeye Chief Surgeon, despite Frank outranking him, is a turning point for his character. It’s the first time he’s been more than passively aligned with Hawkeye; he’s actually taking a stance for the moral position of the show, and at some personal risk. He knows Hawkeye is the better surgeon, but is wary of his irreverent ways. “Don’t let me down,” he tells Hawkeye, and Hawkeye responds, “Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?” He’s wearing, of course, nothing but his boxers, undershirt, and robe. But that outfit is the Hawkeye uniform. It represents the man and his values far better than his Class As. In a way, him swearing on his beloved ratty, red robe is as good a promise as you can get out of him. He’ll be the better Chief Surgeon because of who he is and because he puts the patients first, not the Army and its empty symbols. Henry knows this, and casts his lot with Hawkeye.

There’s an ironic exchange between Frank and Hawkeye in Henry’s office: Frank says, “You were still working in a hospital when they called you up,” (as opposed to Frank, who’d been in practice 3 years) to which Hawkeye says, “I realize it’s ridiculous for a doctor to work in a hospital. It really screws up your golf.” Presumably, working in a hospital has not earned Hawkeye a $35,000 house and two cars. Here the show seems to be venturing beyond its usual purview of poking fun at military hypocrisy to question American consumerism and supposed meritocracy at large.

The face of disappointment

The scenes between Frank and Margaret reveal the true underpinnings of their relationship. It’s not just a love of “the Army way” that unites them; it’s a parasitic feedback loop in which Frank turns to Margaret for comfort and validation of his masculinity, and Margaret enables his grovelling by babying him while longing for a “real” man. Margaret no doubt believes she can “fix” him. They both want the other to parent them, but only Frank gets his needs met. Later, when she and Frank are canoodling in her tent and he asks to be called “tiger,” it’s pretty clear she’s not really into it. Oh Margaret, you can do so much better! In light of this unsatisfying arrangement, I don’t find it hard to believe that she is happy to receive the attentions of the generals that pass through in these early days.

“What’d I get on the humble-meter?”

At Hawkeye’s “coronation ceremony,” he says the following in his speech: “When you live in a cruddy situation like this long enough, you get to love a few people, and even hate a few. I guess outside of our families, we’ll never be closer to anybody than we are to each other.” One of his hands is on Radar’s shoulder, the other on Trapper’s. There’s a moment of solemn silence, and then Trapper breaks in: “You finished?” Hawkeye asks him, “What’d I get on the humble-meter?” I can’t help but compare this moment to another Hakweye speech where he talks about his love for the 4077 family, the eulogy he gives in S11 Ep05 “Who Knew?” By that point the show, and Hawkeye himself, was far beyond the point of undercutting a heartfelt moment with humor. And by then, it’s truly earned, after Hawkeye’s been there nearly three years.

I suppose one could think that Hawkeye is being genuine here, and only pulls back due to Trapper’s interjection, but I don’t believe there’s anything in his characterization thus far to suggest that. The only times Hawkeye gets serious are when he’s angry. He doesn’t do sincere; not yet. This a perfect example of Hawkeye the irreverent performer. He says exactly the sort of thing one is “supposed” to say in that sort of speech, and then Trapper sets him up for the “humble-meter” punchline. Besides, he’s only been in Korea a few months at most. I don’t doubt his fondness for Radar and Trapper, but they’re not like family just yet.

Finally, General Barker arrives, answering Frank’s call (though of course, he really comes because of Margaret, of whom he clearly has fond memories). Frank complains that the new chief surgeon is keeping a patient waiting in surgery while he plays poker. As Hawkeye explains to Barker, he has a sound medical reason; he’s waiting for the patient to stabilize to see if operation is truly necessary, and has a nurse keeping close watch. As opposed to in the pilot, where General Hammond was convinced of Hawkeye and Trapper’s skill after witnessing a routine O.R. session, here Hawkeye’s medical judgment is directly questioned and then proven. When he finally is forced to operate on the patient, he explains to General Barker his rationale for going about the operation the way he does. He looks for a small hole in the patient’s lingula, something he only knows to check for through experience, and thus wins General Barker’s respect. We’re shown, not told, just how good Hawkeye is at his job and why he deserves to be Chief Surgeon.

“This place is a madhouse, Henry, a nut farm!”

General Barker’s little tour through the camp while looking for Henry is as fine a summation of the 4077 as any. He encounters no fewer than four amorous couples: the soldier hiding the prostitute under his poncho (I thought nurse at first, but the high heels and apparent shortness of her skirt seem to point toward working girl); Oliver and Ginger playing “strip dominoes,” a game I’m pretty sure they invented; Margaret and Frank, proving they’re no “better” than the rest of them; and Henry himself with a nurse, whom Henry, bless his heart, is excited to show the worms he’s caught for fishing. Barker also finds Radar posted up at Henry’s desk drinking his brandy and smoking his cigars while reading comic books. While this isn’t exactly in keeping with Radar’s later innocent and wide-eyed characterization, to me this is a perfect encapsulation of a child trying on the trappings of manhood. It especially strikes a chord when I think of how Radar would come to look up to Henry as a pseudo-father-figure. And, of course, Barker encounters Corporal Klinger, and finally it feels like I’m really watching MASH. When Barker informs Henry that the man on guard duty is wearing a skirt, Henry’s response is, “Yeah, well, luckily he’s got the legs for it!” It might have been meant as nothing but a throwaway joke, but I’m adding a point to the “Henry’s one of the good guys” column.

Other thoughts:

We get Hawkeye’s first mention of a sister, though I suspect it’s just a matter of speech; he needs his poker winnings so he can buy his sister a new truss (I assume in the medical sense of “a device worn to reduce a hernia by pressure,” which adds to my conviction that the whole thing is a joke)

Henry doesn’t seem all that bothered by Klinger appearing naked. I wish I could hear what he was saying to Barker.

Frank actually asks Hawkeye for help in the O.R. at the end! I would say that’s growth, but it doesn’t seem to stick.

Favorite line: the line that might have made me fall in love with MASH on my first watch, Hawkeye’s recipe for a perfect martini: “You pour six jiggers of gin and you drink it while staring at a picture of Lorenzo Schwartz, the inventor of vermouth.” (Although Hawk seems to have pulled this name out of his ass. Antonio Benedetto Carpano is credited with the invention of vermouth, while Joseph Noilly was the first to create a dry version, in 1813.)

A note: I won’t be attempting to do a write-up for every episode. I’m planning to skip to those I have the most to say about, or perhaps combine some strings of episodes together.

[ramrodd]

What are some tips for citing and referencing properly for history students?

COMMENTARY:

Do it by the numbers.

Don’t get fancy. Do it exactly like they taught you in high school English class.

The object of scholarship is to build a foundation of noumenal evidence that exists without cause and effect. like brick in a wall. This becomes part of the Socology./Anthropology Field of your premise.

The leading edge of your narrative is the Figure of your Narrative, which occurs at the point your reader’s eyes are at at any particular moment of his/her conscious act of what we call reading. This leading edge should be pulling all the citations you have provided to support the advance of your narrative effortlessly behind that POINT.

That’s Hegel’s Historic Gestalt at work. For unsighted persons, this Gestalt shifts around like a bat’s echo-radar. Gestalt is how perception actually occurs and you should employ your citations at the leading edge of your narrative.

I am not a scholar, I am process theology guru. like Ltc Frank “Be All You Can Be” Burns, the skipper of Task Force Δ, the 5th Wave High Performance performance laboratory created to distil the lessons learned from the first generation of Starship Troopers of US Army air mobile infantry in Vietnam and combine it with the Human Potential/New Age shit coming out of Malibu and Blacks Beach that created the HumVbee generation of Starship Troopers. Tommy Frank’s capture of Baghdad is like Hannibal's Cannae master piece. And it is a legacy of the process theology coming out of Task Force Δ

Now, what has that to do with history students? Well, the chances are you don’t understand Hegel like William F. Buckley understood Hegel, so a lot of what he had to say about history may make a lot of sense because you really trust your gut for strategic thinking.

It is useful to know that JFK, Jr. was probably trusting his gut when he should have been employing strict IFR protocols when he flew into the sea.

That’s what it is important to do your citations exactly like they taught you in High School. The difference between Philosophy and Fascism is that Philosophy doesn’t cheat at scholarship and C-PAC wouldn’t exist without phony scholarship based on the editorial protocols of the National Review, which has been predicting the failure of the New Deal and Eisenhower's 1956 Presidential Platform since 1962 as the standard of excellence for disinformation for the white supremacist agenda of the John Birch Society. Fascist scholarship is like Newt Gingrich and Tom Delay’s articles of impeachment based on Ken Starr’s addendum to Nixon’s Report on Pornography that launched Alan Dershowitz’s career and PornHub.

If you understand Hegel the way William F. Buckley understood Hegel, everything I just wrote which your eyes traveled across consciously yet, paradoxically, irrationally. because that’s the way perception actually works, will make perfect sense. If you rare using the Historic Critical Method of Dale Martin in his excellent seminar on the New Testament, it won’t The Historical Critical Method is a legacy of the cultural warfare of the 60s and reflects the protocols of the Post Modern Deconstruction of dialectical Marxism, that is, dialectic materialism, which is one horn of the thesis-antithesis dilemma of Cartesian logic.

The other horn, of course, is dialectical idealism, which is generally misunderstood as Hegel’s philosophy, It’s not. It’s part of his method for examining chaos without violating the 4th Law of Logic: you cannot reduce paradox. Thesis-Antithesis-Synthesis is a method that begins with Chaos and ends with Paradox. Moral-Material=Dynamic.

Marxism interrupts this process at the Material and loses all the synergies of the Moral. That’s why Marxism is untenable. That’s why George KEnnan’s Containment Policy worked.

Which is why it is vital that you cite your research by the numbers.

[ao3feed-mash]

I Was Much Too Far Out, Not Waving but Drowning

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/l81Z6Gg

by DarkStars (Worlds_Okayest_Goalie)

Trapper’s not exactly sure how he first met Hawkeye, but he can remember the moment he knew he loved him; the memory is a flash of lightning in a summer storm, a warning before the heavens open up.

Words: 4548, Chapters: 1/5, Language: English

Series: Part 1 of War Lies Down Between You Like a Child

Fandoms: MASH (TV)

Rating: Mature

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: "Trapper" John McIntyre, Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan, Radar O'Reilly, Henry Blake, Frank Burns

Relationships: "Trapper" John McIntyre & Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce

Additional Tags: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Slice of Life, Emotional Infidelity, Fluff and Angst, my general thesis is: love, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Canon-Typical Violence

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/l81Z6Gg

[terramythos]

TerraMythos 2021 Reading Challenge - Book 15 of 26

Title: Tehanu (Earthsea Cycle #4) (1990)

Author: Ursula K. Le Guin

Genre/Tags: Fantasy, Fiction, Third-Person, Female Protagonist 

Rating: 8/10

Date Began: 6/24/2021

Date Finished: 6/30/2021

Decades after The Tombs of Atuan, Tenar decided to settle down and live an ordinary life on the shepherding Isle of Gont. Now a farmer’s widow, she adopts a disfigured and horrifically abused child, who she names Therru. When a giant dragon deposits a grief-stricken Ged at her doorstep, Tenar finds herself in a strange situation as she cares for her old friend and her adopted daughter. But threats from Therru’s past and a malevolent force on the island soon threaten Tenar’s small family. 

Despair speaks evenly, in a quiet voice.

Content warnings and spoilers below the cut.

Content warnings for the book: Violence and death. Mentioned murder. Severe child abuse. Descriptions of traumatic injury and disfigurement. Mentions of r*pe, including of children. Trauma, sexism, and ableism are explored in depth. 

Tehanu is a much different book than the trilogy that precedes it. Perhaps this is unsurprising, considering the 17-year gap between this book and The Farthest Shore. I’d describe the Earthsea series as “grounded fantasy”. While all of them take place in a magical world, the thesis of each book is universal; the fantasy always comes second. Tehanu takes this idea to an extreme. The story is about everyday life as a common woman in the Earthsea world, with fantasy barely factoring in. The pacing is intentionally slow and introspective, which is something I normally don’t like, but Le Guin is a consistent exception. 

Key characters from the previous books make an appearance. Obviously Tenar is the biggest return, absent since The Tombs of Atuan. The Tenar in this book is older and much more mature, having decided to live a simple life in spite of her adventures and accomplishments. Ged returns, but he’s a shell of his former self, as he mourns the loss of his magic and the man he used to be. Even King Lebannen (formerly Arren, the main character of The Farthest Shore) makes a brief appearance, and is quite a palate cleanser after the horrible men throughout the rest of the book.  

Probably my favorite aspect of the novel is the fact that these characters stand well on their own without magic to prop them up. Tenar explored the terrifying freedom she won in The Tombs of Atuan; got married, settled down, had kids — but still finds herself at a loss on what to do with her life after her husband dies. Ged is in a similar boat; he’s gone from an almost mythic character to an ordinary man, and like Tenar finds himself at a crossroads in life. Other characters embody this idea of transformation and uncertainty; Therru’s escaped her abusers and now has a loving mother, but what does the future hold for someone with her appearance? Stuff like that. 

The idea of metamorphosis and new beginnings is well-trodden. But what makes Tehanu interesting is Le Guin primarily examines this with the middle-aged characters. Tenar and Ged are legendary figures in the world of Earthsea, but life has taken them to an uncertain future. The thrust of the novel lies in finding a purpose and becoming someone new. I also like that Tenar/Ged is endgame; I got Vibes from The Tombs of Atuan, but neither character was in a position where it would work. Seeing them form a romantic relationship much later in life is touching and cute. But it’s not the reason that either of them grow as people; finding one’s purpose is something one has to do on their own. Their relationship only develops once both parties have done so.   

My main complaint about A Wizard of Earthsea, the first book, is the sexism inherent in the setting, which is never examined below the surface level. Perhaps Le Guin’s outlook changed, or perhaps the publishing environment did, because often Tehanu reads like a response to this criticism. The central theme of the book is misogyny, the patriarchy, and its debilitating effects on women. Le Guin examines everything from micro-aggressions (“common wisdom” that happens to paint women as inferior) to domestic issues (“women’s work” and how much that actually is) to outright sexual assault (both in threats and actual acts; it is heavily implied this is part of the abuse Therru endured). She even goes into how powerful women are only considered as such because a man gave them that power. 

While I appreciate the fact she addresses these issues in such a frank, blatant way, at times reading Tehanu felt like reading a basic feminism primer. These subjects are all things I’m familiar with, and I feel like anyone who’s studied key feminist ideas would be aware of them also. Maybe 1990 was different? Le Guin doesn’t add any insights to the bleak reality of patriarchy and sexism, which is a little disappointing compared to previous books. That being said, this book is aimed at young adults despite its dark subject matter. Tehanu could be the first exposure to these ideas that many children receive; looking at it that way, it makes sense that the analysis comes off as basic. 

I also found the book’s examination of gender to be very cishet-normative. That’s definitely not surprising, considering the book was published in 1990, but to a 2021 reader this hasn’t aged super well. There’s a lot of discussion about the relationships and differences between men and women--whether there are any or not, how magic differs between them, the ability to bear children, and so on. There’s a weird sexual component to this, like how wizards (who are exclusively men) have to remain celibate in order to… keep being wizards? But women who are witches don’t have to do that, and that’s an advantage women have? (There’s mentions of male witches too, iirc, but it’s not expanded upon— do they have to remain celibate? Who knows.). I found this whole bit pretty odd and unnecessary, although I realize a lot of my perspective on the matter comes from a modern view of sex and gender (and, y’know, being trans). Not all the gender takes in the book are bad, but they are limited. 

I found Le Guin’s exploration of trauma and ableism through Therru to be more interesting. There’s a lot of examination about how society treats Therru, a survivor of unspeakable abuse. Her trauma is visible due to severe burns along part of her body, leaving her with a missing eye and disfigured hand. Tenar spends much of the novel wondering what future Therru has; no matter how capable she is and how much she acts like any other little girl, strangers gawk at her, or assume she “deserved” what happened to her. Therru becomes happier and more independent over the course of the novel, but relapses into a traumatized state when she encounters one of her abusers. As a survivor, it’s heartbreaking and distressingly realistic. As much as I like Tenar, I almost wish the novel was from Therru’s perspective (other than the brief jump at the end), but I realize it would spoil the ending.  

I’m torn on the ending because, while I thought it was cool and had some interesting revelations, it’s a jarring tonal shift. As I mentioned, Tehanu is a slow novel with a heavy focus on everyday life, and the trials and tribulations both Tenar and Therru experience. There’s even a climactic event a few chapters before the end; the only thing left is a persistent loose thread from earlier in the novel. That subplot explodes to the forefront a bare chapter and a half before the end of the book, and a lot of action-y fantasy stuff happens. It doesn’t come out of nowhere; it’s set up throughout the novel, but it is sudden. 

That being said, I do like that the subplot with dragons vs humans is hinted at as early as The Tombs of Atuan. When Tenar tells the legend about the origin of dragons early in the story, my mind immediately went to that one room from the Labyrinth with the sad winged humanoids painted on its walls. I’m curious if there are hints elsewhere in the series. I also figured out Therru’s true name and how she relates to that subplot based on context clues. While it’s not a shocking twist, it is a satisfying one. Though parts of it gave me a “magical destiny” vibe which is counter to much of the series so far; I do wonder how the last two books will address this. (Also… did Le Guin imply Kalessin is Segoy? AKA God? What did she mean by this. So Ged literally like… hitched a ride from God, who promptly yeeted out of the story until the end? That’s kind of funny. Maybe I misinterpreted something.) 

I probably sound critical of this book, but I did genuinely enjoy it. It just didn’t speak to me the way the previous two did. The next book is a short story collection before the conclusion to the series, so we’ll see where it goes! Tehanu set some stuff up that I expect will be expanded upon in these volumes.

[bluemallow-log]

Regarding TFTAE

TL/DR: I just want to update you guys about the fic. I had finish writing chapter 16 eons ago but I haven’t got the chance to edit it (life, yk). To be honest, I didn’t really like how the chapter turned out so I’m planning to rewrite the entire chapter. So, it might take a long time for me to update. But don’t worry, it will come out eventually. Thank you for following this story and being patient with me ❤️

First of all, I’m still alive.

For your information, my progress on the story has been very slow since I’m currently on my final semester of uni (I got quite a lot on my plate right now 🥲) hastagstudentslife

I’m actually scared that I couldn’t graduate right on time. Thus, I spend most of my time working on my undergraduate thesis 🤯🤯🤯

Not to mention that I hate how the chapter turned out! So, it might need a major revision on my part 😩

Moreover, to be quite frank, I feel burned out by snk. Not just snk though, but also in life. I couldn’t find any motivation to be productive 😔

I feel that I need a change of air (lmaowhat), which is why I’m currently exploring other fandoms and media. I didn’t leave the fandom, I’m just taking a time off the fandom and the series.

TFTAE is so important to me, same with Levihan and SNK. That’s why I will finish my fic. Like, I really want to tell this story until the very end!!! It might take me years (I hope not 😂) but we’ll get there eventually ✨

I’m really thankful for all of your support this past year (can you believe I updated the first chapter on Feb 2021?!?!?). It made me really happy that you can find comfort and delight in my fic. So yeah, thank you so much for being patient with me 😘

I’ll see you (hopefully soon) with a new chapter 🥳

Take care ✨

[samatheia229]

PJO Mortal AU (Solangelo-centric)

 The Olympia Family

(AKA the family with so much chaos and drama, they would have made an even more popular reality TV show than Keeping Up with the Kardashians)

Thalia Grace - 24

An ambassador of the Artemis Foundation

Badass

Won't hesitate to throw hands at anyone who messes with her family.

Very protective of her little brother and cousins.

Not afraid to speak her mind and fight for what she thinks is right.

Has a kind of love-hate relationship with her stepmother Hera. While Thalia respects and acknowledges Hera as her stepmother, she is a free spirit, and hates being chained down by the old-fashioned rules Hera imposes.

Briefly dated Luke Castellan for 2 years, but broke up due to reasons. The break up was mutual and Luke still remains as one of Thalia's closest friends.

Deadly with a bow and arrow (she'd be hunting down hunters like they hunt animals for living if it weren't for the fact that murder is unfortunately illegal).

Jason Grace - 19

Sophomore at Uni (double majors in Management and Aerodynamic Engineering)

Flight school graduate

Heir to Jupiter Airlines (given that his father doesn't plan to retire anytime soon, Jason is considering becoming a pilot in the meantime)

Hera's favourite child since he actually follows her rules (He bends them slightly every now and then, but she doesn't need to know that).

Regular at the Manhattan Chess Club

Has an intense rivalry with his older cousin Percy that's been going on for like 10 years now... (his life goal is to beat Percy. They're currently at a stalemate of 3795 wins each.)

Very protective of Nico. He almost had an aneurysm when he heard that grumpy, little stay-away-or-I’ll-death-glare-you Nico had a boyfriend. A boyfriend.

Has a best friend Leo Valdez who is an engineer student with an eccentric personality and is a mischievous menace. His childhood friend, Reyna Avila Ramirez-Arellano, is an athlete in javelin-throwing and currently resides in her hometown in San Juan, Puerto Rico, but they still keep in touch. 

Dating Piper McLean, the 19-year-old founder of the Beautifully Imperfect Foundation

Zeus Olympia

CEO of Jupiter Airlines

Drama Queen TM

Favours Thalia more despite Jason being his heir and enables most of her rebellious antics, much to Hera's chagrin.

Can be rather childish and petty ("It's been 43 years, and I've long since given up on expecting him to change," Hades deadpanned.)

As the youngest child of the Olympia family and with his father on Death's doorstep, Zeus was given a lot of free reign, hence his playboy tendencies. He eventually did settle down with Hera Junos, the single daughter of one of the oldest families in Greece. Hera was fond of children but was unable to sire her own due to medical issues, which led to Zeus getting a mistress (with Hera's begrudged consent), Beryl Grace, the daughter of Hera's family chef. Beryl has always had a rather strange personality and an unhealthy obsession with alcohol. A few years after giving birth to Thalia and Jason Grace respectively, her liver gave way and she died before they could find a solution.

Hera Olympia (formerly Junos)

Zeus' wife

The kids call her ‘Aunt Ra’

Jason is her favourite child because he actually listens to her

Coming from both a high-class and old family, Hera was raised to be a perfect lady (a lady should not wear pants or speak out of turn etc. etc.) and has a rather old-fashioned way of thinking, enforcing strict rules in her household.

She still loves Thalia, but because the way Thalia acts goes against everything Hera was taught, her relationship with her stepdaughter is a bit strained. Hera now mostly lets Thalia do her own thing, but every now and then might still be a bit controlling. She's trying, okay?

Bianca di Angelo - 19

Sophomore at Uni (majors in Journalism and English Literature)

Works part-time at the Artemis Foundation

Generally quiet and shy, but has a tendency to fuss over small details.

Very responsible and possibly the only one with a brain cell among the cousins. (Proteus and Triton don’t even live in the same continent half of the time; Kym doesn't give a damn; Thesi is too nice to reprimand them; Ro‘s too busy fawning over her fiancé; Hero is more likely to fan the flames than quell them; Thalia, Jason, Percy and Nico are always either competing against each other or breaking the Internet with their antics again; Hazel is pretty innocent but has a slight vindictive streak so caution must be exercised; and Tyson and Estelle are innocent beans of sunshine that must be protected).

She can be bold when she wants to be, as well as reckless. 

Has her father's habit of gesturing with her hands while talking and when she is on edge.

Ace

Nico di Angelo - 17

High school Senior

Heir to Pluto Corp.

Resident Emo in the family (“I'm not emo!” “Your only-dark-clothing phase says otherwise.” “It's not a phase, Persephone!” “Like father, like son.”)

Stubborn AF

Can't deal with all his overprotective sisters and cousins

Currently pining over William Solace ("Shut up!")

Avid gamer, plays digital games, card games (his childhood and to-this-day favourite is Myth-o-magic, which is one of the reasons he approves of Hazel's boyfriend, Frank) and all games in general (he visits the arcade monthly to make sure he's still 1st place in every game there)

Has a tendency to hold grudges and gestures with his hands while talking or when on edge, a habit he shares with his father and older sister.

Plays the violin (Persephone had introduced him to it, and he'd taken a liking to it)

Hazel Olympia (formerly Levesque) - 14

High school Freshman

Aspiring artist (she’s won thirty different art competitions locally in the span of three years and placed silver last year in the Chelsea International Fine Art Competition under an anonymous name because she wanted to win by her own merit rather than rely on the Olympia name. Hades plans to surprise her by giving her own exhibition hall for her next birthday.)

Regular at the Manhattan Riding Club

Has a bit of a vindictive streak in her that was probably born out of spite due to her upbringing

Exudes a powerful aura of passive aggressiveness, but is also incredibly kind and magnanimous

Has the ability is summon, manipulate and detect precious minerals, as well as the ability to place curses on them. (This knowledge is confidential and hidden from the public)

Loves her family with all her heart, and literally no one is more protective of Nico than she is

She was the first but also last person to know about Nico's boyfriend (First because she goes to the same school and is not dense, thank you very much, but technically last because she was the last person that Nico officially told since Will is terrified of her for some reason, something about her being 'the FINAL BOSS'; this amuses Hazel to no end).

Has a very cute crush on Frank Zhang, a HS Junior who’s an archer and animal lover (it’s mutual, by the way).

Hades Olympia 

CEO of Pluto Corp., one of the largest companies in the mining industry.

#DONE with life and all the people in it, particularly his crazy family

Functions solely on his children, Persephone and caffeine, usually caffeine because the other two are often the cause of his high blood pressure

Broods a lot (”I don’t brood.” “Yes, you do.”)

Deadpan 200% of the time and takes no shit

Loves all his children equally and definitely does not have a favourite (it’s Hazel, in case you’re wondering) 

As the eldest son of the three brothers, Hades was betrothed and wed to his childhood best friend Persephone Terrafield by their fathers in an attempt at a business partnership (Spoiler Alert: It didn’t work out in end). Admittedly, Hades and Persephone did have a small infatuation with each other when they were younger, but it never grew into anything serious, and as they grew older he saw her as more of a sibling than a lover and vice versa. After the inevitable death of his father, Hades and Persephone divorced but literally nothing in their relationship changed since they’d never loved each other romantically in the first place. When Hades decided to court their mutual friend, Italian diplomat Maria di Angelo, Persephone supported both of them wholeheartedly. In the span of the seventeen years they were together, Maria gave Hades two beautiful children, Bianca and Nico. Unfortunately, Maria passed away after being on life support for two years in result of a plane crash when Nico was 6. 

In the two years when Maria was hospitalized, Hades was so desperate to find his beloved a cure that he sought out a witch doctor that was rumoured to be in New Orleans. Marie Levesque, the aforementioned witch, was a greedy, manipulative person with a deluded and unstable mind, who drugged Hades and essentially raped him because she thought his spawn would have the perfect blood for experimenting magic on. She used magic to wipe his memory of the previous night’s events and handed him an ‘antidote’ that was actually just water dyed a milky white. After ten years, Marie finally revealed to Hades a 12-year-old Hazel, who looked miserable, was suffering from malnutrition, wounds, burns etc. and had a supernatural ability which Marie proudly said she had bestowed to her via dark magic. Hades was absolutely mortified, revolted and a bunch of other things. He filed a lawsuit against Marie, charging her for rape, child neglect, child abuse and human experimentation, as well as taking permanent custody over Hazel Levesque (now Hazel Olympia). 

Persephone Terrafield

CEO of jewelry enterprise The Red Pomegranate which was a sub-branch of Pluto Corps. The enterprise has the highest production rate in the US. 

Self-designated matchmaker for Hades (Hades always tells her she should focus on her own love life first, but he’s just an ungrateful brat)

Current life goal is to fulfill Maria di Angelo’s dying wish: help Hades find love again. (Mission status: still at Square 1 because Hades has some trust issues after the Levesque Incident)

The kids all call her ‘Aunt Seph’, but she loves the children as though they were her own

She and Hades often joke that they would totally still be married if they didn’t see each other as siblings and platonic soulmates and she hadn’t had her sexual awakening of being lesbian.

She lives with Hades and the children as she finds it too much of a hassle to move into her own place, not to mention lonely (with the kids at school and doing club activities, someone needs to make sure Hades gets exposure to the sun anyway).

Persephone is the daughter of an unnamed businessman and Demeter Terrafield, an agricultural revolutionist and healthy-cereal-obssessed woman.

Her mother and Hades have this sort of weird rivalry going on whenever Demeter visits; Demeter hates Hades because he hates healthy cereal, and apparently anyone who hates healthy cereal isn’t good enough to be hanging around her daughter, so she always replaces all his coffee with decaf and puts the healthiest cereal she can find on his bedside table every morning; in retaliation, Hades will deliberately eat the most sugary sweets he can find in front of her and locks her out of their personal greenhouse. (The glass walls are made of the strongest glass he could find and the door is locked by multiple manual and digital locks.)

Hestia Olympia

CEO of WarmHearth Interior Design Agency (WHIDA)

Everyone's favourite person, indefinitely

Has the infinite patience of a goddess

Gentle, kind, very wise, gives great advice

The kids call her ‘Aunt Tia’ 

Often fondly exasperated by her younger brothers' antics (because no, just because they’re grown men now does not mean they are going to stop their childhood feuds since despite their protests, they are all petty AF), but once she snaps, they all line up like toy soldiers and behave nicely.

Knits a lot. Most of her carpets, quilts, bags, scarves etc. are handmade.

She looks relatively innocent, but don't be fooled. There's a hidden arsonist in her that is always ready to come out when she's angry.

Hestia has a 'I'm not mad, just extremely disappointed and upset' Mom Look that has sent people bawling their eyes out and begging for her forgiveness with just one glance

She is the oldest of the Olympia siblings, but as a child had a frail and weak body. Kronos wanted to get rid of her since she was 'useless and couldn't be wed off', but Rhea, their mother, begged and pleaded Kronos to let her live. For some unknown reason, Kronos complied.

Her brothers are all very protective of her

YOU DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, MAKE HER ANGRY

[shewhotellsstories]

 When I was writing my thesis my advisor nixed an in depth chapter on colonialism for the sake of time, which was a good call because I needed to finish. But seeing how Avatar the Last Airbender (making it clear that the whole sharing our greatness with the world thing is a lie) talks about it reminds me that Sarah J. Maas didn’t know what the f she was talking about. Example: 

“You could, you know,” Rowan said, his tattoo stark in the lantern light. “Take it for yourself. Take it all. Use Maeve’s bullshit maneuvers against her. Make good on that promise.” There was no judgment. Only frank calculation and contemplation. “And would you join me if I did? If I turned conqueror?” “You would unify, not pillage and burn. And yes—to whatever end.” “That’s the threat, isn’t it?” she mused. “The other kingdoms and territories will spend the rest of their existence wondering if I will one day grow restless in Terrasen. They will do their best to ensure we stay happily within our borders, and find them to be more useful as allies and trade partners than potential conquests. Maeve attacked Eyllwe’s coast, posing as me, perhaps to turn those foreign lands against me—to hammer home the point I made with my power at Skull’s Bay … and use it against us.” He nodded. “But if you could … would you?” For a heartbeat, she could see it—see her face, carved into statues in kingdoms so far away they did not even know Terrasen existed. A living god—Mala’s heir and conqueror of the known world. She would bring music and books and culture, wipe out the corruption festering in corners of the earth …”

Excerpt From: Sarah J. Maas. “Empire of Storms (Throne of Glass).” Apple Books. Excerpt From: Sarah J. Maas. “Empire of Storms (Throne of Glass).” Apple Books.

Holy, white man’s burden batman. Bringing music and books as opposed to violence, slavery, and disease. Saving the poor savages from themselves. This conversation was maddening to read. If you have an elementary understanding of history you know there is no nice, benevolent way to colonize. Colonialism destroys existing cultures, it doesn’t improve them. Sigh to infinity.

[himbo-buckley]

Sex, Intimacy and Buddie (better known as I have a lot of feelings about this show, some of which are related to the before mentioned topics) - Part 4

Ciao, ragazzi,

i bims, die Kriz and I will be your tourguide today. (Yes, we’re on first name basis now, congratulations, kid, ya’ll earned it!)

Okay, so I rewrote this intro like 5 times by now. 3B has been so hard on me in a way that the rest hasn’t been. While I was writing 3A I had so many thoughts and ideas and conclusions from the get go, my main worry was to fit it all in and to make it coherent. And it took me a while to get there with 3B - but don’t worry, my friends, I did not disappoint and it is just as long as part 3, despite Tim Minear   personally coming to my home and vibe checking me for saying he had daddy issues. Which is fair, tbh. Sorry bro, I’ll stop calling you out like that. (No, I won’t.)

Also if you need a „quick“ refresher of what happened so far or you just forgot, here are:

part one - part two - part three

And also, the usual spiel:

This meta was supposed to be a lot shorter and only talk about how both Buck and Eddie use sex to distract their respective partners from whatever topic they actually wanted to talk about but since I decided to rewatch the show to make sure I don’t miss any such scenes, it has exploded a bit and taken on more topics

I should also mention that I am a Buddie shipper and while I tried, you will find several references and arguments for the ship in this Meta, not all of which necessarily call for a romantic pairing but just: These two are deeply connected and you cannot look at one without discussing the other and they are each other’s strongest emotional connection.

I should also preface this by saying that the whole of the 118 has some obvious intimacy / commitment issues except Bobby (which is sort of surprising) but *John Mulaney voice* we don’t have time to unpack all of that!

On another note I cuss a little in this Meta because my parents let me listen to TicTacToe as a small child and after that it never stuck that cussing is wrong so, uhm, parental supervision is advised or something

This Meta will so far have FIVE parts now. The original plan was to do three, one for each Season, and have it organised by episode so you could technically follow along (which is still true), but due to personal reasons, also known as *feelings*, Season 3 had exploded disproportionately and for readability reasons I have split it in three parts - there is part 3 which ends with the Christmas Episode, part 4 which spans what aired of 3B so far and the final part 5 which will include the final and my conclusion, if by then I am able to form thoughts again / still

Alright you guys, drumrolls please: part 4 (also called „*butterfly meme* Is this growth?“)

Episode 3.11:

I wanna be honest with ya’ll, Season 3B is sort of a mixed bag for me, because while yes, all the episodes have been great viewed separately, they just feel so … separate from each other, and with 3A having so many episode-spanning arks, it’s a bit of a letdown to return to the standalone episode format. Especially because it makes the whole two steps forward one step back thing so much more apparent as it feels like what happens in one episode has no consequence for the next. It felt a little like they burned through too much in 3A already and didn’t know where to go from there. Which is also true for me, so maybe I should stop judging.

Anyways, I’ll stop bringing the house down now.

Let’s continue with: Don’t you just love stan-ing two adorable, complicated badass firefighters? Yeah, me too.

Also, I wanna see the Doc again. Tim, can we? He could be friends with Frank? We could see them have tea and talk about those dumbasses at the firehouse? (And also legs, since, you know, Frank only has one?)

And also the bank guy, Harrison was fun. (This whole episode was.)

And I know it has nothing to do with Eddie or Buck or Intimacy or Sex (okay a little with those) but I do wanna point you to that damn meatball scene, because it’s so chaotic? First, why are all the ingredients laid out on the table but Maddie is making balls already only to then cover them in water? Look, I’m basically vegan (haha, how long do you think I’ve waited to shoehorn this in here) and haven’t cooked meat since I was … fourteen, probably? And even to me that just seemed wrong! Not to mention AFTER touching raw meat, Maddie only cleans her hands with a towel before opening the door? You used to be a nurse, Madeleine / Maddison! (Do we know her full name? I feel like we don’t.)

One thing I really love about 3B (so far) is how happy and settled my main man Edmundo Diaz is. It’s in the eyes, you guys! I don’t know if it’s a Ryan thing or a deliberate acting choice but whatever it is it translates well (haha, well, yeah, we’ll talk about that one later) into his character and it really makes you feel like Eddie is so much better. Like for all the analysis of Eddie I’ve been doing, I didn’t notice how much colder he grew since the beginning of Season 2 until this episode came and suckerpunched me with the warmth in his eyes. Good god, proceed with caution! Oliver could call me right now and say „Look, Buddie isn’t real, I just keep getting lost in Ryan’s eyes.“ and I wouldn’t even be mad, I’d just be like „How’d you get this number?“. (It was Tim, wasn’t it? Damn it, we talked about this, mate! I wanna meet his cat, not him!)

The episode doesn’t hold a lot of relevance in terms of this meta (aside from some parallels I’ll talk about in a moment) but I still want to discuss it a little bit because it means a lot to me. I just love Howard „Chimney“ Han with all my heart.

I wanna say something controversial now because we’re 500 words in and I feel like I haven’t made you regret reading my rambling yet, so here is controversial thought of the day #1: All these fucking characters are grey as fuck except Howie. Howie is good to the bone. He is the goodest boy. He is so gentle and sweet and non malicious and yes, I am including Evan in my list of grey characters because he pulled some SHIT! Okay, a little bit of shit. Things have been *implied*! (I don’t even know anymore. Maybe he’s just off-white or something.)

And what’s the worst my best friend Howard „Chimney“ Han has done on this show? Lied to his girlfriend a buncha times so she likes him better? I lie all the time. I just lied to my mother 5 minutes ago (Yes, Mom, I’m working on my thesis.)! And Howie just lied to make someone like him better. That’s not bad, that’s horrible self esteem!

Which brings me to another thing I wanna say because thank you, Jennifer Love Hewitt. If anyone from the cast gets to call me, it’s you, because you clearly had your thinking pants on when you took one look at Chimney and said: I want that one! You a real one and I will name check you on my way to heaven - not, that they’ll let me in, but the thought counts?

Now, lets talk about those parallels I mentioned before:

The Hans vs. the Buckleys.

Now, we still don’t know a lot about Mr. and Mrs. Buckley and what exactly made them bad parents (though I’m firmly team a little neglectful but not abusive) but we know a lot about Mr. Han.

One thing of the bat I wanna mention is that this episode confirms that Maddie at least had a hand in raising Buck - which doesn’t actually have to mean too much, because based on JLHs age, her relationship with Dough and the way their sibling relationship is played it’s safe to assume that Maddie is supposed to be between 5-10 years older than Buck (assuming she started nursing school after High School at around 18 / 19, which I think takes 4 years in the US? And she was an ER nurse for 8 years, making her AT LEAST 30 in Season 2, but considering how she emphasised that Buck noticed something was wrong with Dough even as a teenager and she met Dough at 19, I’m gonna assume Buck was younger then 16 because Dough won’t have shown his abusive tendencies right of the bat, so probably about 12 / 13, making Maddie like 6 years older than him? And since we DO have a definite age for Evan, Maddie is probably around 33 in Season 2 (which also works because they wanted to put her and Eddie in a relationship and Ryan Guzman is in his early 30 as well). And look, as the youngest child of two people I would call more than adequate parents I can tell you: older siblings always have a hand in raising you, especially when the age difference exceeds 4 years. One of my sisters is 5 years older than me and I was more scared of telling her about having a bad grade than I was of my parents, so…

Anyways, back to what is actually happening in the episode and how it both parallels and contrasts the Buckleys and Hans.

Like Maddie and Howie are the older siblings and Buck and Albert are the younger siblings, yet Buck and Howie are paralleled as are Maddie and Albert. Also, Howie resents his brother for the relationship he assumes Albert has with their father, but Maddie recognises that Buck probably had similar experiences growing up as she did. Of course one could argue that Howie and Albert never had a relationship before while Buck and Maddie grew up together, but look, Maddie was in an abusive relationship for quite a while and hadn’t been in contact with her brother for 3 years prior to Season 2 but it’s safe to assume they didn’t have too close of a relationship before that either, or the Buck we know would have gone to Maddie to investigate and find out why she dipped. So…

(Despite all of this, Maddie knew she could come to her brother for help in Season 2 meaning one, our boy is such a good boy always and the Buckleys can’t be all bad if Maddie knows she can count on her brother, meaning she didn’t think her parents screwed him up too much in the time since she moved out and gradually left his life. Just another thought.)

I also love how her firm believe in the strength and meaning of familial relationships triggers a shift in Howie. Please keep this in mind for when we discuss 3.16 in a few minutes, friends.

Also that kitchen scene has all my heart. They really said kitchens are a Buddie thing now, didn’t they? (Also from a non shipper perspective, Maddie and Buck are just the sweetest and for a TV show actually fairly realistic siblings. At least if I compare them to my siblings and I.)

Also in terms of the actually topic of my meta’s: this is our first indicator that Eddie considers the 118 his family. And we have another moment of Chimney seeking reassurance / being open with Eddie. I love that they have a friendship like that. (He was so excited about meeting Chimneys brother as well. A little bit puppy and like another reason why Evan and him are friends. (As if we need more)) Also love that Eddie is secure enough to voice these feelings!

(Eddie really does seem so healed in this episode? So open? And happy? Damn, Frank, you know your shit! My man had some growth.)

Now, for some sidenotes to round off this episode, because I have some and I wanna share them:

On the Buckley parents, I think the episode wants to imply that they had plans for Buck? Maybe career wise? Because in the pool scene he says something along the lines of: „Sometimes you have to put / get a little distance“ and since it’s been implied that Buck is also from Pennsylvania or somewhere close by, we can assume that he was talking about himself here. Like he moved all the way across the continent.

I’m also just gonna throw out a prediction for Season 4: since Nia is only a foster child and like 2 years old, it’s safe to assume that she has been only recently taken in. While I do not know the US-Foster system, I do have some knowledge about the German system, so I’ll just predict that either one or both of the birth parents try to get their child back.

Or they just sort of forget about all of this by Season 4.

And I really really really dislike the cancer storyline and how the show is handling it, at least in this episode, specifically in regards to May, who in my opinion, has been both written and treated by the show as someone younger than 18 here, only for the show to then turn around and go all: wow, such an adult, look how wise she is. So awesome. Like nah, son! 3A has shown that she is much maturer than she was treated in this episode.

And Eddie finally got to say „seen this before“ again. I feel like he says that a lot. Should I start a counter for that too or do ya’ll just wanna think about him naked for a bit? (I know, you guys, I know! Should I befriend someone who can make me a bunch of gifs of shirtless Eddie I can pepper in every time we get to heavy around here?)

Episode 3.12:

Ah, yes, „Fools“! The one episode I have to say I can not look at without wearing my shipper goggles. So be warned.

Which is why I’m gonna start with the elephant in the room: Ana Flores.

Now, I’ve seen (and maybe liked / reblogged / queued / drafted (Idk anymore, I’m up to 600 posts in my drafts, 300 in my queue and like 300 liked / reblogged already)) an interview with Ryan Guzman where he talks about Ana and how he isn’t sure yet wether they are heading for romance and how it needs someone incredibly badass to get through Eddie’s defences, because Eddie is barely over his wife’s death and yeah, that!
Look, if you’re here, I’m gonna assume you have read the other three parts of this „meta“ and therefore know that I am a proud member of the Shannon Diaz - defense squad and will fight anyone who says a bad word about her. And you will also know that I attribute most of the stupid things Eddie did in 3A to the fact that Shannon died. So there. All caught up.

Now, as for Ana Flores herself (and I’m writing this after 3.16, so who knows what happens next): She might be in Season 4 (I think the interview said something about it or she tweeted something) but I don’t think it has been confirmed yet? So considering what Ryan said they probably won’t end up in a relationship by the end of Season 3 (again, please remember when I am writing this).

I’m not gonna comment on the actress aside from saying, damn, I wish that were me! Other than that? I don’t really care about actors unless I think they are hot and then it’s more of a: uiiii, me like-y. (Madeleine Patch, call me!)

As for the actual scenes, well, I have mixed feelings.

On the one hand side, as I’ve said before, I work with children and the idea of dating the father of one of my babies is just plain wrong to me. So there is that. Morally speaking that storyline would be trash. (And very OOC for Mr. „My son needs to be protected above all“)

Then of course there is what’s actually happening between them which, one, from the get go she seems to not reciprocate Eddie’s advances (he keeps telling her to call him Eddie, she keeps calling him Mr. Diaz). Also that whole speech about horses? Yeah, I know you’re an english teacher but ähm, what? (Put it on the list, Tim, I need answers!)

To sum it up (and explain why I brought up Shannon aside from how much I like her), I don’t think it’s headed for a romance quite yet? They may be playing the slowburn game, but I think it was more like Ali in Season 2. Because as @greyhello pointed out to me in Part 2, Ali might have been there to show us that Buck was ready for a commited relationship and it had never been Abby that made him like that, just as Ana is here to tell us: hey, Eddie is finally accepting his wife’s death and maybe, possibly, some time in the near future, ready to date again. Probably. We’ll see.

Aside from that, I actually think a little crush could be something healthy and healing for Mr. control issues. But, again, we’ll see.

So, elephant addressed. Now let’s move on.

Sidenote: I feel like the parent-teacher conference made Eddie really regret so many of his life decisions. Someone needs to tell Buck so he can make a million puns from here on out and drive Eddie crazy.

(Sidenote: Carla said „big blue eyes“! You know who has big blue eyes? Ah, now I’m just clowning.)

Now this episode returns to the Season 2 formula of giving Eddie and Buck similar storylines:

Because while Eddie meets someone he could potentially be interested it, Buck is also made aware of his single status and the fact that he hasn’t dated in a while.

I do think Buck’s stance in this episode was both curious and familiar. Familiar because it reminded me a lot of Eddie in 2.04 and I think, just like Eddie did before Shannon came back, right then Buck is closing himself off from making connections, be they physical or emotional, because he got hurt too much.

Which is why I call it curious. Because I can not decide wether I consider his behaviour growth or a step back. In Eddie it would definitely be a step back, but in Buck who had been so willing to take any chance for physical intimacy just for the sake of a connection in Season 1 to now at least seem somewhat settled in himself and comfortable with what he has does feel a little like growth? (Then again 3.16 shows us he is just scared of getting hurt again, so probably just covering up is depression.)

Also, again with the kitchen! That puts us at five (?) scenes of Buddie talking about each other or with each other in a kitchen setting (six, if you count 3.03). Now I’m probably clowning myself real hard right now, but whatever!

But I do wanna point out how comfortable Eddie and Buck are discussing Eddie’s parenting struggles, which just shows how much he trusts him.

Now I know, I myself have made a textpost about Eddie discussing his parenting struggles with literally anyone, but ya’ll know I was kidding, right? It isn’t actually true. In canon he talks with exactly 5 people about Christopher:

They are Christopher’s therapist in „Triggers“, Carla, Hen, Lena … and Buck.

Now, here comes something interesting: For Carla and therapist, it is literally their job to help Eddie with his parenting struggles, but all the other scenes? Connected to Buck. Yeah. That.

Look, the Hen scene in the Christmas episode literally involves Buck and as I’ve said both Eddie’s and Buck’s reaction here heavily implied that Eddie has had a conversation with Buck about his fight with Chris before telling Hen all about it.

As for Lena, again, she is *literally* there as a substitute for Buck. She uses his locker. Her name is taped over his - and that is actually such a nice visual, that I wanna talk about it real quick, because I’ve seen it called disrespectful a few times and I don’t agree.

One, the fact that they left the „B“: funny af, someone from set dressing is probably laughing themselves silly about this and is allowed to call me now; also a constant reminder who’s locker and place she is actually occupying. Also how she can never really fully replace him, she can’t cover the hole he left fully, he is always there, lurking.

Two, the fact that it is tape: tape is slightly see through. It is temporary and easily removed. Tape is just a quick, momentary fix. Tape can be taken off / away without effort.

So to sum it up: There’s no one he trusts more with his son.

Which is also why Buck is there at the end: because Buck is who Eddie trusts. Buck is who Eddie goes to when he’s struggling as a father. Buck is who Eddie wants by his side cheering Chris on. I mean, they are literally pushing him together while Carla films (stands on the sidelines, ready to help as needed, but not fully a part of their family unit).

So, to go back to the elephant in the room? Right now I’m not at all worried about Ana Flores.

On another note it’s also one of the last real Buddie scenes we got in 3B so far and while I do understand that there just wasn’t any storyline for them to do such a scene organically, I am very worried about what it could mean. Because I still remember when Teen Wolf stopped putting Tyler H and Dylan in scenes together because people kept screaming queerbaiting.

I don’t want that to happen here. I love Buddie and what it could represent but I’ve also written too much about their respective characters AND their connection by now to disregard how meaningful they ALREADY are and how important even as a platonic pairing they are. Because they make each other so much better and proof that straight man can have deep connection with each other and how two flawed people can help each other heal in a way that I don’t think any other relationship in this show shows.

Back to the episode, though. The ark between Christopher and Eddie here is truly beautiful and I love the way we see Eddie growing as a parent. And I think the show wrote those scenes so well and they felt truly natural and were incredibly important, both for Eddie and Christopher.

I do think, as much as I love Christopher always being Eddie’s number one priority, no matter who Eddie ends up dating (yes, even if he dates Buck) we need to see a bit of a shift here. (Also, just in general, because Christopher will grow up, even if he’ll never be as independent as a fully abled bodied child might someday be.)

Eddie needs to learn to let go of control and of Christopher a bit. Look, a partner will never come before Christopher for Eddie (unless Chris is like in his 40s and has moved out and is living his own life. And even then it’ll be close.) but in order for anyone to ever fit into his life he needs to make a little space at the top and that includes taking away a bit from Christopher.

(Also just selfcare reasons, you guys, parents need to learn that it’s okay to sometimes think about themselves! And we already saw Eddie break once cause it became too much, how easy do you think that can happen again?)

Sidenote: We all know Buck built that, right? He’s been shown again and again to have some mechanical / maschinary (?) understanding plus fairly interesting problem solving skills.

Episode 3.13:

I love the locker room scene. Firstly, it’s a definite reminder that these three have bonded a lot and it’s such a sweet familial scene.

Also Eddie’s advice: yet another hint that he’s healing from Shannon’s death.

Compare it 3.08 and the conversation Bobby had with Eddie. There are no definite callbacks or anything like it, but it is very very very obvious that Eddie is talking about his dead wife here. Who he told he loves her in her last moments. So there.

Now, as for the healing part, could you imagine 3A!Eddie saying something like that to anyone?

Even in 3.03 or 3.06 with Buck, the person he lets himself be the most vulnerable with, there are still always terms and conditions with his words.

He trust no one more with his son, which, okay, is what the scene was about and what has the highest priority in his life but still, his trust isn’t bound to himself, it’s bound to his son, not to himself, not something he has in general for Buck, but something he has for Buck in regards to his son - that Eddie trusts Buck with himself is only ever implied.

He forgives him - „also what it means to be a part of a team“. Eddie sort of impersonalises his forgiveness here, he doesn’t forgive him because he’s Buck and he’s Eddie, he forgives him because they are part of the same team.

With Eddie there is always a wall.

But here in the locker room there isn’t. It’s just: if you love her, tell her, cause you might not get another chance - Eddie certainly doesn’t have another chance to tell Shannon.

And okay, you might say, isn’t that kind of a condition as well? Saying ‚I love you‘ because tomorrow isn’t promised? And sure, it kind of is. But Eddie’s also basically saying: once upon a time I told my wife, who art now in heaven, that I loved her as she was dying and then I got real mad at her and the world after because she left me and she was planning to leave me anyways and now I’m here and I’m over that and I’m just glad I got to tell her ‚I love her‘ one last time. I’m no longer angry.

Growth, you guys.

Episode 3.14:

I feel like the writers read some of ya’ll’s Buddie fanfiction, realised how it mischaracterised the relationship between Buck and Chimney gets and said: not on my watch!

In other words: If Eddie and Buck are different sides of the same coin, Buck and Chimney are the same sides of different coins. They share so many traits and experiences!

Now, this episode. Man, you guys, it really has me stumped. Part of me thinks it doesn’t have relevance and part of me keeps going back because it thinks it does?

Oh man, you guys, I’m lost. I don’t know.

All right, executive decision: no relevance, just another drop on the breakdown-stone that is 3.16.

Someone please tell my man’s boy they need him!

Episode 3.15:

Fun fact to start ya’ll off: this was only the second episode I watched somewhat live being a little new to town and the first I saw without spoiling myself on tumblr. So it has a special place in my heart any way you look at it.

(But then again this episode also involves several of my nightmares: drowning! being below earth! Being in small enclosed spaces! Being buried alive! Huge amounts of mud that will not leave your clothes and fingernails for the next six hundred years!)

Also, uhm, did I say „Fools“ was the *one* episode I could not look at without shipper goggles? So I’m contradicting myself. It happens. Move on. (Yeah, or repress it and join a fight club! Also name check me with your therapist, please! We may have breakdowns but we do them healthy around here!)

Because these fuckers went off! Whew! I’m serious, after watching the episode I sent a clip of that scene to my roommate and asked to rate how platonic this was. Which she did not. Because she doesn’t know math, apparently. - My point is, she sees it and she doesn’t know the show.

In other news this episode convinced me Oliver is pulling an Andrew Robinson (and yes, I know he said it was in the script but then Andy also followed the script, so…).

Sidenote: Eddie is the oldest, right? Damn, for some reason I thought he was the middle child. He has big middle child energy.

(Also why they namedrop Galveston like that? I googled it an it’s just a town? Why, Tim, why?) (At this point he is just torturing me, I know it. This feels personal.)

Anyways, this episode, you guys! I have thoughts! (And they are very hard to put in order so please excuse any jumping around at this point.)

The birthscene is great and can we just for a moment think about 25 year old Eddie hugging his mother in law so very lovingly? He’s so happy here. So soft. (Also I’m about to turn 25? I would not be able to deal with being married right now either?)

And yes, this episode confirms that Eddie has killed people, and while I know it was selfdefense, I just, it’s very weird to me because these characters have become so real to me, so to see one of them kill without a care is kinda off-putting. (This is why I will always consider Eddie grey and why I can never consider Buck white - because he had been planning on joining the Seals meaning he had to consider the possibility of killing and has probably learned to kill (Do you think that’s why he’s so non aggressive? because he knows he could take everyone down?))

I’m just gonna come out and say it: anyone who says Eddie isn’t impulsive has not watched this show. In fact I’d even say he is more impulsive than Buck.

Yes, Buck will do weird and dumb shit on a whim because the thought just crossed his mind and it sounds good and he doesn’t think about the consequences, but just does it. (I could make a case that our boy has ADHD but this is not what this meta is about)

But Eddie? Eddie is impulsive in his reactions. Everytime he is in distress (emotional not physical) he stops thinking about consequences and just starts reacting. Especially if it’s about a child!

Shannon is pregnant - lets sign up for the army.

Our child has a developmental disorder - lets stay in the army.

My parents want to take away my child - lets move halfway across the country.

(Not allowed to talk to your best friend? - lets go streetfighting.)

Eddie probably thinks these things through to a point and he mostly has a plan, but he is so reactionary. He is like a raw nerve and that’s what makes him impulsive.

It’s why, instead of letting them pull him out enough until he can radio, Eddie cuts the fucking line. Because this is a child, this could be Christopher and Eddie needs to be enough to save him.

(Are you crying yet?)

I’m not gonna talk about Afghanistan except to say: ah, Eddie. My man, you are enough! Always!

(But maybe that was his guilt over killing talking? Maybe he does feel bad?)

Also why did the woman emphasis ‚Staff Sergeant‘ like that? Was that an indicator that Eddie got promoted?

Also Eddie the fucking boy scout / alter boy / goody goody two shoes trying to get up because of a superior office despite lying in a hospital bed (and not even having been cleaned from his blood yet, urgh that’s gotta itch!)

Sidenote: in light of 3.16: do you think Eddie still talks to Mills, Binder, Norwahl and what all their names are or do you think that would be too hard for him? I’m leaning toward not talking but I really liked Mills (she reminded me of Buck and Lena, tbh.)

And now, for our regular scheduled program: Shannon and Eddie.

First of all I loved all of it. I loved that we could really understand why Shannon left. I love how much they clashed but still had those little moments of recognition.

And look: The juice box scene was very rough. Eddie is likely currently suffering from PTSD, definitely having a culture shock and here is his wife who is barely holding on as well and she just wants to leave, she can’t deal anymore and both of them are so desperate and wow, just wow. Kudos Ryan and kudos Devin Kelley, I’m sad we won’t see you again, but I do hope I’ll see you somewhere else one of these days!

I’ve talked about their relationship a lot already, so I’m not sure if I have any fresh takes but I will remind you of a few you already know:

Eddie is not in love with Shannon after Afghanistan (haven’t decided yet if he was in love with her in the birth scene)

Shannon *needed* Eddie to open up to her just as much as she needed to be open with her

Eddie was not able to be emotionally intimate with his wife

they cared about each other very very much and I do think they tried

they are family (remember what I said in part 2 about Eddie talking to the 118 about Shannon? This here proof that he definitely defended her actions at some point to them as well)

Shannon was in an impossible situation with her mother and a special needs child and likely burned out and just … she needed someone to have her back, which Eddie couldn’t because he himself was suffering from PTSD at that point

I’m still mad as fuck, they killed her off! If they give Eddie any other endgame romance that isn’t Buddie without like two seasons buildup after killing off HIS WIFE I will riot!

Which brings me to Eddie and his parents which was rough, you guys!

Look, as someone who worked with children I can see where his parents are coming from in that scene but also wow, just wow.

How cold and insensitive and fuck, no wonder someone is repressed as shit, that was horrifying and I really can’t talk about this more than to say this hurts and also explains too much about Eddie. (Can we have the locker room three bonding about having horrible parents in Season 4, please, Tim? And can Buck come too? We could do it at the loft?)

As for his conversation with Christopher, obviously it was cute as fuck and also I love how he began the conversation talking to his child like every adult male I have ever met talking to a kid about something he knows will go over it’s head („It’s like we’re talking about completely different people.“). (Okay, maybe not just adult males. Maybe we all talk like that around children sometimes. I know I do.)

I really liked how they reinforced once again that Eddie wasn’t a natural at being a dad (compare how he holds his son to season 1 Buck who most definitely knows how to handle a child (And now I’m wondering if him being good at it was always planned or a „Oliver did a great job the first time we had him interact with a child so we decided to make it a trait“-thing. Damn you, Tim, for making me think so much!)) but became good at it because he was willing to learn and he cared! Dads of the world (also Moms, we aren’t all super duper either) take note!

That being said the conversation also left a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth because, one, it felt a little petulant of Eddie to turn around and leave for LA, the way it was presented here and two, Christopher at that point didn’t understand yet what Eddie was actually asking him about and it felt a bit like manipulation. Please everyone, do not consider a conversation like that consent from a child. Any adult can get a child that age to say anything they want because children just want to be liked (It’s why when children are involved in criminal proceedings it’s so hard to interview them because children follow every suggestion because they think this is what the adults want them to say.).

Now, let’s talk about puppy!boy for a second!

In 1.05 Buck tells Abby: „no one is good when it’s personal“ - well guess what buddy boys, this one is very personal for one Evan ‚Buck’ Buckley, thank you very much, that boy is losing it.

Okay, let’s compare it to the episode before and then two episodes later:

Now, obviously the situation with Maddie was a little different. Mainly because this was a hostage situation and he realised (because Seal training, remember?) that there wasn’t a lot he could do to help her right then but then again … neither was there in Season 2 when Maddie was in danger and he still acted far more frantic in the car with Athena than he did here? Like the only stupid thing he did was drive a little dangerously this time?

And of course, two episodes later we see Bobby react when Athena is in danger and while we don’t see him be frantic we do see him get ready to kill someone, so, yeah!
 It could of course be inconsistent writing or deliberate to keep the attention and worry more on the people in the call centre but since they haven’t pulled anything like that before I’m leaning more into my clowning.

I mean, we also have to consider that Buck was Eddie’s lifeline here, he was supposed to be the one to get him out, so he feels extra responsible but then again we have Hen make this comment about having two cut lines, which of course says that Hen thinks that one: whatever reason Eddie had to cut his line will definitely be considered a just as valid reason by Buck to cut his line but also: BUCK WOULD DECIDE TO DIE DOWN THERE WITH EDDIE. Sorry for the yelling, but no, I do not think Buck acted out of character in 3.14.

(Which is very irresponsible, you guys. You are fathers! What happens to Christopher when ya’ll die in a well somewhere in fictional California? I can not live in fictional California! I will not be taking care of your child, Buddie! Figure it out yourself! No. We are done here! This conversation is over!)

(Okay, not quite, because I actually don’t think that would be realistic! More realistic: Buck giving Eddie his harness so he can get pulled out first and then dying down there alone.)

Like I’ve said in the at the beginning: Oliver might be pulling an Andrew Robinson. It might have just been the way they thought Buck would act if he lost Eddie while being responsible. It might have been fever making him delirious (which, btw, kudos! Because you can hear how sore his throat was and omg, that shirt hurt!)

Never mind I found the heavy focus on Buck in an episode about Eddie fairly curious - which is why now it’s video-talk time!

First: I will not bear Shannon slander around here! Yes, she was in way less scenes than Buck, but the actress also was never a main character, so ya’ll need to remember there are like 2 scenes of them as a family. And they probably didn’t have the time, money and energy to film some just for a montage - especially considering that the three of them have hardly been a family together, because first Eddie was gone and then Shannon, so…

But yes, we do have to admit that Buck was in most scenes, and yes, we do have to consider the implications of this which are: Buck is definitely a vital member of the Diaz family and when Eddie says: I’m always gonna come home to my family, this now includes Buck and I hope we see him tell him that at one point in the final cause I need him to!

And then of course there is also the radio scene in the beginning (which lead to one of my proudest tumblr-moments to date in form of this post!) which did ease us into the concept of Bucky-boy being a member of the Diaz family! So it is canon now?!

One thing I wanna point out about the school scene in the end in regards to this is that little boy’s question. Sure they used it as transition to calling Christopher his good luck charm but, uhm, why did they have Buck ask about it in the beginning then? Why have this sort of unnecessary callback to the beginning of the episode unless they want us to remember Buck?

Something to ponder for the next week, I think.

Also the episode sort of reinforced my believe that we don’t really have to worry about Ana Flores. Sure, this scene was also a chance for Eddie to redeem himself in front of a teacher he screamed at just a few weeks prior but the only interaction they had was her asking that question at the end and Eddie hardly looked at her.

(Also, if they really wanted to reinforce Eddie being interested in her, they could have had Carla make a dig about it in the beginning, even with Christopher there, but they didn’t, which to me confirms that they don’t really know what to do with her yet.)

At least Ryan was finally taking his shirt off again, I know that’s like catnip for ya’ll.

Episode 3.16:

One thing that really confuses me is how many people seem to think this episode points out only how important romantic relationship are and I don’t see that?

I mean, I see that it’s one of the points that is being made but I don’t think it’s the only possible reading of this episode.

To me it was about connection and family more than anything.

It begins actually with Eddie (the person most connected to Buck) being the first person to decline Buck’s invite, not in favour of spending time with a romantic partner, but because he has a prior commitment with his son! (And several other people, including, but not limited to, at least 2 other nine year olds. For Eddies sake I hope less than 5 or that Carla is around because he is a single father and children unionise by nature.)

And it continues with Buck by forming a connection to Red and then bonding with Maddie.

And can I just say, before we delve more into all of this, how proud I am of Evan „Buck“ Buckley after this episode? Just look at him!

This is Buck at his lowest, lower even than during the lawsuit, because back then he had something to fight against, which he doesn’t have here. Because he can’t stop other people from leaving him (that is the whole point of the episode after all) and what does he do? Instead of going full on Buck 1.0 and just finding the nearest interested person to form a meaningless physical connection with to substitute for the lacking emotional intimacy he craves so much, he goes to a bar alone and befriends an old man. And spends the rest of the episode bonding with him. And bonding with his sister. And addressing his issues, both with his sister and his family. That is huge!

(Which is why I’ve decided him not wanting to date? Symptom of his deeper issues, yes, but also a sign of growth.)

And I’ve seen some people on my dash talk about how, compared to most other 911 episodes, this episode has a fairly bleak ending, which one I agree with, two think is actually a theme with Buck centric episodes, but three don’t actually mind / think is a bad thing? It’s fairly realistic after all.

To get personal one second: I remember being a very idealistic 20-year old intern working in the foster system five years ago and my mentor, who was less than 10 years older than me but fairly badass teaching me something that technically is a well known proverb but that I, a idealistic 20-year old, had not actually understood until I worked there and saw it myself: manchmal muss man den Karren an die Wand fahren  - translation: sometimes you have to let the trolley drive into the wall, which means sometimes you have to let things play out till it’s natural end before you can help. Or to use an english proverb: Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom.

And this is what I’m thinking - no, hoping - is happening here. Because, look, you don’t just solve like 20 or more years of abandonment issues in one episode and considering what a big part of Buck’s character from the moment we met him they have been, that would have been unsatisfying to watch anyways!
What we need right now, in terms of Buck’s storyline is catharsis. A cleansing. Buck needs to get to his worst (which I think he did or he will, once he talks to Abby) before he can begin to get better, can begin to heal, can begin to learn that he is not alone. And that is not a bad thing!

And yes, I know our boy is suffering and we along with him because we all love Evan Buckley to death but sometimes you gotta let things break so you can fix them instead of just putting tapes over the holes you see (haha, see what I did there?).

As for the episode, here we go:

I wanna start with something else real quick which is Hen’s subplot which I found important. Because they addressed that hey, she went through a trauma not to long ago as well and maybe she is not as okay with it as we thought?

Also it shows Bobby’s double standard again, but then I think he would have reacted differently if the guy had died and it was evident Hen realised she should never pull a stunt like that again. And maybe I’m giving Bobby a bit to much credit right now. Urgh.

I do wanna say, while Chimney seemed fine at the end with what went down we did see his reaction in the next episode and honestly he is mad, it’s just that Hen is his best friend and Chimney lives on the principle of forgive and forget so there.

Now I do really like the rope rescue scene because it was badass and also because Eddie seems so done in the beginning and Bobby just looks at him like: well, he’s not doing it alone and he’s probably not gonna cut his rope!

(Also notice how Eddie cut his rope willingly but Buck’s was cut for him? What does that mean? - For reals, I may see the connection but I can’t yet make out the meaning.)

But I did appreciate Hen’s comments about them being their best guys a lot! I kind of want an episode like they used to do on Star Trek were they focus on background characters and give us the way everyone probably sees Buddie as some kind of superhuman supermen who pull the craziest stunts and somehow make it!
And now, let’s get into Evan!

First of, I now Cindy was meant as a parallel to Abby but I also think to Ali because Abby didn’t leave because she couldn’t handle the fear but Ali did. So there, a sort of Ali Martin mention! Thanks for listening, Tim.

But of course with everything else Cindy is quite the parallel to Abby from the way she just left and Red never really got closure, just like Buck.

What is interesting though is that Red, different to Buck, doesn’t want closure. He wants to remember the good times and imagine what could have been. (This could of course be due to the fact that his life is about to end.)

Buck on the other hand side really craves closure, and look, I know when we first learned she is definitely coming back I was really unhappy about that, but since then we learned they run into each other which makes it fine to me. Because I thought we’d have another instance of Buck running after Abby for validation and I did not want that. But he’s not actually running after her, it’s just a coincidence so I’m happy for him getting a chance to have closure, finally.

And this is were I think the episode proofs that it’s not about romantic love as the only way to be fulfilled, first because after talking about Abby Buck asks „Do you think I’m lonely?“ which is not about romance at all (had they wanted to make it about love it would have been: „Do you think I’ll find love again?“ or something). Also the conclusion of this episode is Maddie telling Buck he is different to Red because he has her (and in general those scenes between them, yes, they were also about Abby because she was another person Buck has been left by but just like they mention a best friend in terms of people Maddie left behind it is not about the romantic aspect, it is about people he loves in general), because he has a sister and she won’t leave him again - so there, familial love! The pinky swear! The importance of family. (see 3.11)

Also had it really been about love you know what would have happened since then? We’d have seen Buck calling Abby! Maddie would have said something about Buck still being young and having time to meet someone! Instead Abby and Buck run into each other by accident and Maddie makes a pinky swear to never leave again, so yeah, I just think sometimes we need to wait for how stuff plays out before we judge.

Now of course I wanna mention the pool scene as well.

Firstly, I know we already traced a lot of what Buck says at the end back to Eddie and the grocery store but did ya’ll here Chimney say: „Seems like your making this about yourself“ and Bobby implying the same thing, so yeah, I wonder if it was them quoting Eddie or if this is what everyone is supposed to be thinking or if it was just a setup for the breakdown at the end.

Also let’s talk about Eddie real quick here, because I found it really weird that they didn’t reference his platoon from Afghanistan here? Like they could have easily have him say „I’m not in the army anymore but I still talk to my old platoon.“, especially since we MET them one episode before. So either they didn’t think of that, they wanted to reinforce the fear Buck has or Eddie may just be as lonely as Buck?

(Guess which way I’m leaning?)

(Look, children are great but they are no substitute for friends and adult conversation, just saying!)

But I love how hard Mr. Stoic and emotionally unavailable tries to reassure Buck, tries to be there for him. And also did ya’ll notice how, once Eddie speaks for the first time Buck’s focus never strays from him. Hen and Chimney and Bobby talk as well but it seems as if Buck never looked away from Eddie. (Which, definitely get that, he looked good here.) Also how Buck stresses the “That better not happen to us“ - man, what conversation could he be referencing? Man, I wish I had memorised this show by now so I could tell you about two scenes that happened in 3A between Buddie where the topic of us was emphasised a lot but alas I don’t and I can’t.

What the pool scene also proofs once more is that the 118 just like an actual family has a lot of communication issues because Hen and Chimney not being in contact with Tommy or so is a completely different situation but because of their bad communication they don’t realise that this is something they need to explain to Buck because they think this is about Red.

Bobby doesn’t get it either tbh.

But we all know who does, look, I said it about 3.03 and I’ll say it now: Eddie knows Buck. Eddie understands Buck. And Eddie is on the path of realising that Buck needs him to say the actual words and not just let his actions speak!
And my my if all of this pays off I will be one happy camper! (Hums Rihanna “We found love in a hopeless place”)

On a sidenote I hate that Red pegged Buck as a hothead because he really really isn’t! He’s just excitable and sometimes struggles with expressing himself and that frustrates him!

Also I never noticed the apartment had an outside area? did we know this? There is a grill?

Also really would love to see Gigi / Dana Strattford again, I liked her, she’s pretty! (But not like to date one of my guys, Tim, kay?)

(Also whats Officer Williams up to these days? Asking for … a friend?)

And to round this episode up: Oliver still looked so sick at times and they put a lot more makeup on him than they normally do? Usually you can see the slight scaring on his face but this episode you couldn’t but you could see the tears / snot mixing with all the makeup when he was crying and honestly, not his best look! (He still makes it work, though! Just saying, I miss 1.02 / 3.02 / 3.03 Buck, I know these episodes hurt but visually they are peak!)

Episode 3.17:

Was that episode amazing? Yes.

Am I still cackling about Oliver Stark having too much leg? Yes.

Did I love the Frank mention with all my heart? Yes.

Was Michael’s meet cute in an elevator less gay than any Buddie scene we got so far specifically any in 2.01 also known as their meet-ugly? That was a rhetorical question, you guys.

As for that comment I wouldn’t put too much stock into it. I mean, if you’re a single guy and you get invited out to fifth wheel at a double date with your sister and her boyfriend and his best friend and her wife, no matter how close you are, you will feel awkward so of course you invite the other single guy who happens to be your best friend who happens to be part of the friendgroup AND the team you’re working with making this a definite team/family/work - outing.

That being said: it took me 23h to come up with a reasonable explanation for this comment and I did scream at my laptop and pause the episode after it was made and I have been thinking “Buddie” confirmed about 100 times since then!

Also, they just spent a shit ton of time together, right? Like, if Buck’s there than so is Eddie and if Eddie is there than so is Buck and I’m clowning and not calm anymore!

Maybe “Buck invites Eddie” can be our always?

In other news this episode has absolutely no relevance for anything, but I love it deeply.

And we made it you guys! It was slower going but it worked!

Thank you to everyone who read so far and thank you to everyone who has been liking and reblogging and commenting! I don’t think I’ll ever be able to express how much this means to me!

(Also please keep doing that! I too am an excitable puppy looking for validation!)

Now, to tag:

@angelcamael, @greyhello, @ipleiade, @the-family-we-choose-118 @chimbuckleys @sevensoulmates

[eunsoyi]

dear moon

kpop songfic series #1: bokuto koutarou

warning: this is a bit long lol & angsty

dear moon, my moon

i can’t get any closer

like the moon i can’t reach

even with fast-paced walking

"i’m sorry." he muttered and lowered his head. i smiled sadly and brushed his hand with my fingers. my chest was burning in pain, as if it was going to explode any time soon. but i didn’t cry. i didn’t have the strength to do so. i kissed his knuckle and replied, "it’s okay, koutarou."

the next day, i did not show up at the stadium, much to my parents’ surprise. "aren’t you going to support your best friend?" they asked. i shook my head and covered my body with my blanket, pretending to be asleep. every bit of person in my school is probably there right now, cheering for fukurodani. no, they’re cheering for bokuto kotarou, the volleyball club’s ace, a volleyball superstar, my best friend.

my best friend who just rejected me.

i gathered the strength to stand up and open the television and at least watch the game from the comfort of my own living room. i stared at it for a few minutes until i heard the words "fukurodani’s ace does it again! an amazing straight shot!" as the camera pans to his jumping backside.

"he’s going to be a big hit soon, don’t you think, y/n?" my mother asked. i just nodded in response as i felt tears form in my eyes.

oh moon, like moon

why won’t you go away?

i try to turn away and run

but you’re like the moon that follows me

i sighed as i texted ‘i’m doing fine’ to my parents for the nth time this week. my college roommate kept laughing at me for having overprotective parents, and i just responded with a deadpan chuckle. two years into university and i already want to quit if not for the hefty amount of money that my family is paying for my tertiary education.

"bokuto beam!"

i stopped myself from looking at my roommate’s laptop. i’ve been hearing his name ever since we graduated high school, and it’s like a noise that frustratingly kept ringing in my ear to the point where i want to cut it off. my roommate was a big msby fan, and from what i’ve heard, kotarou had been scouted and became a professional player for that team.

not that i care.

every after a stressful and tiring day, she’d pop in one of msby’s games and squeal like a hungry pig. "you can use earphones, you know?" i said with a hint of annoyance in my voice that i failed to suppress.

"jeez, okay." she glared at me and finally, the room was at peace. but i couldn’t shake off hearing his name from the muffled speakers of her earphones, so i decided to take a breather.

the august night was cold, as expected, since fall is approaching rather rapidly for my liking. i sat down on one of the benches at the park in front of my dorm building and gazed at the stars.

i hated the stars.

despite being so numerous, they look so terribly lonely. the distance humans see between them was a ruse, as they were literally light years apart, a distance none of us can really fathom.

"y/n?"

you,

is it coincidence?

i jumped up immediately and locked eyes with a familiar white-haired boy, wearing a big jacket and a sports bag clung on his body.

"koutarou.." i managed to squeak out.

the moment we met eyes,

"it really is you." he smiled and gave me a hug. the hug was very brief for me to react, but i can still feel his arms linger on my back. i felt even more pathetic than i did when i confessed to him that night.

"yeah. i heard you’re doing well." i smiled, sat back down, and ushered him to sit beside me to which he happily obliged.

i heard a low voice

talking to me

"i am." he whispered. his eyes reflected the night sky, and they were the most beautiful things i’ve ever seen. as i looked deeper, i realized they were hollow, dark, very different from what his fans have been seeing. it was almost empty. lonely, even.

my hatred for the stars grew.

oh moon, my moon

i’m not trying to hold you

i know you’re too big for me to hold

i rarely saw koutarou after that. we finally had each other’s contact details after two years of not seeing each other, and he has been constantly texting me, but i haven’t given him a decent reply.

"what’s keeping you from doing so?" akaashi keiji, one of my high school friends and kotarou’s right-hand man, asked as we were eating out for ramen one night.

"i don’t know." i mumbled and twirled my noodles, msby versus another team i don’t know booming on the restaurant television.

"you’re still hung up about that night? i thought you’ve moved on." keiji raised his eyebrow.

"i have."

"then just properly talk to him."

"i can’t."

"why not?"

i sighed and crossed my arms, looking at the television which showed koutarou’s joyful cheer as he scored a point against his opponent.

"i’m not good enough."

the next week, i found koutarou sitting on the same bench i sat the day we met again. when he spotted me, he gave me the biggest, brightest, almost blinding smile i’ve ever seen.

"why are you here? aren’t you busy?" i asked while sitting down beside him. he chuckled. "i’m a volleyball player. the only thing i do is train and play."

i giggled. "fair point."

we talked for a good hour with canned coffee in one hand and a hot pack on the other. i did not pay attention to the cold, october air. the only thing i could see was the man beside me, radiating the brightest energy i ever felt, and the view of the empty park.

if only time would stop, and we’d stayed like that forever.

oh moon, my moon

i’m not trying to have you.

everything went by so smoothly, i did not have time to think things through. it became unspoken tradition between the two of us to meet in that park every weekend and he’d treat me to canned coffee, much to my dismay.

“don’t you get paid for being a professional athlete? why is it always canned coffee?” i jokingly said. he frowned. “isn’t spending time with me enough?”

yes. it was more than enough. i wanted to yell that out to him, but i couldn’t. i rolled my eyes in response and pretended to be annoyed at the canned coffee.

“y/n..” he said in such a serious voice. i hummed in reply, gulping down the drink in my hand. “do you still like me?”

i stopped myself from spitting out the stupidly sweet liquid in my mouth. i coughed, choking on my drink. “what?”

“i like you, y/n. a lot. i realized this when i saw you again.”

i did not respond and stared at the ground. my mind was blank. what should i say? what was i supposed to say? i haven’t thought about this, at all.

“can we date?” he broke the silence.

in hindsight, i shouldn’t have said yes.

the fact that you’re so dazzling

is because i’m too dark of a night

agreeing to date bokuto koutarou was a mistake.

we decided that i’d move in to his apartment, to which i happily did. the first few months were okay. we did the things couples usually did: kiss, hold hands, go on dates, whatever there is to name. however, despite being his girlfriend, i did not attend any of his games even if he forced me to. i told him that i’m not a fan of crowds, and i assured him that i am supporting him from our apartment, and he just let me be.

on our first year of dating, i decided to go to one of his games as a surprise.

i was sitting on the bleachers, blending in with the tremendous amount of fangirls and volleyball fanatics in the crowd. after the game, i whipped out a box of homemade chocolates and the bouquet of flowers that i bought and tried to approach him, but before he even noticed my presence, he was surrounded with different types of people: journalists, agents, managers, teammates, fangirls, fanboys, children and elderly alike are asking for his autograph and his picture.

i left without saying a word.

after that day, i got intensely busier. i prepared for my thesis, i was stressing myself with different laboratory subjects, and i got hired as an intern in a research lab. koutarou, on the other hand, kept getting commercial deals and busied himself with tournaments and games. we barely had time to see each other, and when we did, we’d sit in silence, a silence so deafening it almost made me go crazy. whenever i’d see him, his eyes would be hollow, the same eyes that were presented to me when i first saw him again.

i attempted to work things out, if there were actually things that needed working out. but we both couldn’t find the right time to do so. it was either he or i who’d go home immensely exhausted and go straight to sleep.

the relationship was going nowhere.

is it coincidence?

on your white face,

“koutarou, can we talk?” i finally said once he got home.

“i’m very tired, y/n. can we do this tomorrow?”

this conversation again. i was honestly so sick of those words. i kept my calm and tugged the sleeve of his shirt.

“please?”

he sighed, dropped his sports bag, and looked at me in the eye. “what?”

“this relationship.. it’s..” i stammered, trying to find the right words to say.

“it’s getting pretty exhausting, huh?” he smirked and leaned on the doorframe.

there’s a shadow stain

that doesn’t suit you

“wait.. what?”

“i’m tired, y/n. goodnight.” koutarou whispered, kissing my forehead and headed towards the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

i’m waving

it’s how i call you

there’s a loner here

who resembles you a lot

a week later, kotarou and i broke up.

i asked why. i knew the answer, i just had to hear it from him.

“i was lonely.”

i smiled sadly. “i was, too.”

he gave me a week to clear out my things in his apartment, and to be frank, that was the most stagnant yet most painful week of my life.

i was wrong about him in so many ways.

in the years i’ve known him, i’ve looked at him like a star, more specifically, like the sun. he was so warm and bright that it made me frustrated. i thought i was nothing like him. i thought we lived in two very different worlds: him living in a place of happiness and stardom while i lived somewhere damp and boring.

but the times he showed me the real him, the bokuto koutarou behind closed doors, those empty eyes..

we were two peas in a pod.

instead of making each other happy, we were each other’s catalyst to our own descent.

i gave him one last kiss on the cheek and bid him farewell. i moved back to my dorm, much to my roommate’s surprise. “hey, y/n, did ya miss me?” she cheekily remarked.

“you wish.”

i wished that were the reason.

i met up with keiji very soon in our usual ramen shop, and i didn’t even need to tell him what happened. he found out through kotarou. apparently, he was actually planning to break up with me months before but couldn’t find the courage to do so.

“you know, it’s a waste.” keiji said, slurping his noodles.

“what is?” i asked, tilting my head in confusion.

“i honestly thought the two of you were perfect for each other.”

i sighed. “that was actually the opposite of what i was thinking.”

keiji looked at me with those pitying eyes that i hated so much. “are you okay?”

i’m not doing so well

“i’ll be fine.”

my only moon

as much as i can’t reach you

till the night grows deep

keep that silence with the white light

i stared at my thesis once more, which was binded and published. i felt tears welling up my eyes. my roommate hugged me, yelling and crying that she’s proud of me and whatnot. my parents who were on video call were sobbing as well. my phone notifications were blowing up with different message of congratulations.

i finally graduated. my thesis finally got published. i am finally an employee in the research lab i worked as an intern in. my family called me lucky for being so successful early on. i disagreed and just laughed it off.

that night, my roommate celebrated by buying beer for me as a treat. we stayed up all night, laughing and drinking. she got too drunk and finally fell asleep. i immediately went to get some blankets and pillows to tuck her in the couch.

“congratulations msby black jackals for winning the spring tournament!”

i stopped in my tracks. i didn’t realize she was playing another volleyball game in the time we were talking. i found myself staring at kotarou’s cheering figure. i closed my eyes, trying to suppress my tears.

i took the remote and turned the television off.

so i won’t sleep again tonight.

this was the first time i ever cried while writing. dear moon is my favorite song that was written by iu (i suggest listening to her version of the song bc it’s so good as well). hope you all liked this despite the angst!