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bluerose5 · 3 years

Text

The Ghost of Paradise (Exile AU)

Chapter 2: By the Minute

Rating: M

Word Count: 3,796

Tags: Mass Effect: Andromeda, Scott Ryder, Reyes Vidal, Reyder, Pre-Relationship, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Exile, Flirting, Secrets, Complicated Relationships, Eventual Romance, Rivalry, Engineer/Mechanic Scott Ryder, Jealousy

[Read it here as well on ao3.]

“Our agents say that you were speaking with Reyes Vidal at Kralla’s,” Nola said. She didn’t even give Scott a chance to breathe. The second he was through their gates —which were still a work in progress— Scott was ambushed. “Do I even want to know what you have planned?”

Scott grinned at her.

“Why must I always have something planned?” Scott asked. “Reyes is a good friend. For all you know, we could have been catching up over drinks.”

“‘Could have’ doesn’t mean that you were.”

“Fair enough.”

As she fell into step at his side, Nola led him around while they spoke, appraising their growing community with pride.

“Scott, as governor of Paradise, should I not be made aware of any transactions that might affect us?”

“Well, yes, but—”

“Tell me what I need to know then. Nothing more, nothing less.”

As if he could refuse her insistent prodding. Every time he left, he always forgot how relentless she could be upon his return, but only when it pertained to matters that could have both predictable and unforeseen effects in their future.

In a way, Scott was grateful to have someone with that type of dedication on their side. They’re going to need it.

“I swear, it wasn’t anything particularly groundbreaking,” Scott promised. “I gave him some seeds from our latest project in exchange for a long-ranged scanner modification. That’s it.”

“Hmm… A decent enough trade.”

“Glad to have your approval.”

Of course, it was too much to hope that she would leave it at that.

“What is it for?” Nola asked.

Scott knew from experience not to lie to her face.

He sighed. “I’m going to scout out some of the Remnant ruins nearby. See if I can get a read on their bots, or a turret if I’m lucky.”

She cocked her head to the side and considered that for a moment, lips pursed.

“Promise to be careful then. I know you would gladly give your life to protect any of these people, but we don’t need you to throw it away because of pure recklessness,” she reminded him. “If it comes down to an altercation, we would rather have you here than some lousy turret schematics. Besides—” She shrugged. “You would probably be the only one who could make sense of them anyways. You and that stupidly genius brain of yours.”

Scott scoffed, suddenly uncomfortable as he shifted in place.

“Got it from my parents, or so they say.”

Ellen and Alec Ryder. The woman who literally gave her life to perfect biotic implants and the man who created a whole new type of AI. Quite the legacy to live up to.

Good thing Scott wasn’t living his life based on their achievements. Andromeda was a whole different playing field compared to the Milky Way. The work he was doing with Paradise was incredible in its own right. At least, he liked to think so.

If he could change at least one person’s life for the better in Andromeda, then he considered that a success.

Based on the feedback he was receiving from the residents, he was doing a damn good job, and that was enough for him.

But Nola had a point.

People relied on Scott now. As much as he was willing to dive headfirst into danger, he needed to refrain from doing so.

“I’ll be careful,” he promised her. “If things start to go south, I’ll ping you and Nakamoto.”

“Thank you,” she said, breathing a sigh of relief.

Scott hated to worry her so, but there was that one other matter.

“If it’s any consolation to you,” Scott said, trying for a lighter tone yet failing, “Reyes offered to accompany me on the trip.”

Nola stopped short, and Scott skidded to a halt. She narrowed her eyes at him with a sneer curling at her lip.

“No, that is not of any consolation to me. Scott Ryder, you know how he is.”

“Charming and witty?” Scott tried for his best smile, but Nola wasn’t buying into that bullshit, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Flighty and untrustworthy, especially once his back is against the wall.” Then, she amended her statement, taking on a slightly accusatory tone. “That’s assuming you didn’t pay any of his ridiculous service fees.”

“Puh-lease.” Scott chuckled. “If anyone should be spending their credits, Reyes should be the one paying me for my company. I’m a treasure not many can afford.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Nola snorted, “but at least you know your worth.”

“They say that time is money, after all. I’ll make sure to charge him by the minute while we’re together.”

“Please do, and make sure to get a picture of his face once you show him that bill.”

Scott was only happy to see her smile again.

“Will do,” he said.

“While you’re at it, drop a few hints here and there that Paradise might be looking to contract out some exclusive deals with top-rate smugglers. Leave out the ‘top-rate’ part, of course. Can’t have that going to the poor man's head.”

“His ego is already insufferable enough without the compliments,” Scott agreed, “but isn’t the whole point of secrecy for you and I not to draw attention to our connections here?”

“A woman can dream though, can’t she?” Nola sighed.

“So much for Reyes being ‘untrustworthy.’”

Nola didn’t even hesitate, brushing off his attempt to use her words against her.

“Skill is skill, and we don’t exactly have the people or resources to be picky right now. Everything is a commodity on Kadara, even integrity. If he betrays us, we’ll deal with him, simple as that.”

Right.

Still, it was laughable to think that the Charlatan would take on a contract with some of his direct competitors.

Although, that sounds like exactly the type of stunt that Reyes would pull. More than likely, he’d have an ulterior motive for doing so, but Scott could see it happening.

Did he support the idea, though? Definitely not.

“I don’t know,” Scott muttered. “I couldn’t see Reyes limiting his business to one group, especially if we’re only starting to get our feet wet.”

“You would know how he operates better than I, but I suppose that attitude is understandable. Disappointing, but understandable.” Nola grumbled. “Well, if nothing else, tell him the least he could do is give you a discount.”

“Trust me, I’ve been working that angle for a while. No such luck.”

“Greedy bastard.”

As they finished up their routine patrol, they soon switched direction, heading towards Nakamoto's clinic to conclude their meeting. There, Paradise’s leaders convened. They reviewed the requests that their colonists posted on the message boards around the settlement. Together, they decided on what matters they could approve for certain and which ones would be placed on the docket for a community vote. After that, they moved on to logistics, including topics such as requisitions and inventory.

To draw the meeting to a close, Nola relayed their latest numbers for colonial development. Water production was steady. However, food stores would be struggling soon to keep up with the recent influx of residents, so security personnel and all of those who knew their way around a gun were strongly encouraged to increase hunting and foraging activities while out on patrols or while performing their daily tasks. A roster will be posted on the local message boards to look for volunteers who would like to fill a full-time hunter-gatherer role.

Hopefully, what few angaran scientists they had amongst their people would be able to process their first batch of nutrient paste after their next harvest. It wasn’t exactly the tastiest solution available, but it was a necessary one if they were to survive.

In terms of population, there was a rapid spike in enrollment when word spread that Paradise actually got shit done and held true to their promises, but they expected the effect to eventually plateau once people settled in. Angara enrollment was up at the moment, especially after Scott appointed Nola as governor, and they have even seen a few Initiative members join up, having made the journey all the way from the Nexus to be reunited with friends, family, and loved ones.

Scott asked that they spread word for people to be warm and welcoming. The request probably wasn’t necessary, but it was better to be safe than sorry. Their community would make no friends by tearing people apart, and they prided themselves on being close and tight-knit.

It was important that they not only claimed to be but that they acted like it as well, backing up their words with actions.

Security assignments were then posted. Patrols would have to be upped to make up for an increase that they were seeing with gang-related attacks. Once automated security measures were in place, they would revisit the matter in order to assess which sectors needed heightened security. Emergency drills would be held at the end of the week.

With all of their needs addressed, Nola called the meeting to a close.

Once the meeting was adjourned, Scott approached Nola and their Head of Security, requesting a full census to be done within a day's time. Scott needed names, numbers, faces. Each citizen’s profile needed to be updated within their database.

If Scott was going to make an effective defense matrix for the colony, then he would prefer to program an IFF system that only a select few could remotely activate. For the system to work as intended, all of the colonists' photo IDs and biometric profiles would need to be kept current and constantly updated in real-time.

Nola promised to see to it that Scott got what he needed, shooing him off.

Apparently, he was hovering, but Scott could take a hint. He could tell when he was no longer needed, and he knew that Nola worked best when he wasn’t constantly worrying after her like a mother hen.

Departing from the settlement, Scott cloaked himself the second he went beyond the boundaries of their walls.

He was almost halfway back to Port when he received a message from Reyes. Figuring that he was in the clear, Scott made sure that the coast was clear before deactivating his cloak.

Pulling up his omni-tool’s interface, Scott opened the message. Along with it, there was a set of coordinates, sent from Reyes’s location.

R: Think I’m ready to cash in on those shuttle repairs. Wouldn’t mind the company right about now.

Scott’s fingers hovered above the holographic keys, contemplating his next move before deciding to hell with it.

S: Miss me that much?

R: Am I that obvious?

He didn’t even give Scott a chance to reply before he sent another message.

R: If it’s still in question though, let me put it bluntly.

R: I want to see you.

Scott pursed his lips, cursing his stupid heart for racing in response.

S: Give me a few. I’ll be there.

R: I’ll be looking forward to it.

Before he could embarrass himself, Scott closed out his messages. He quickly made his way to Port, grabbing his bag of tools and gear before venturing back out into the badlands.

From there, Scott followed the coordinates to a cliff, overlooking a nearby valley. The sun was slowly but surely sinking down over the horizon, lightning up the sky in array of pinks and oranges and reds.

Reyes was already waiting for him by the time he arrived, the shuttle powered down for the moment.

However, the second Scott noticed that Reyes was facing away from him, he instantly slowed his walk to a crawl. He bent his knees into a slight crouch and shifted his weight with each step, toe to heel as he snuck his way up behind him.

“You look like you’re waiting for someone.”

Scott delighted in watching him him jump in shock, only to have a blade at his throat in the blink of an eye.

As soon as Reyes realized who it was, all the blood drained from his face.

“S–Scott!”

Hands raised in surrender, Scott raised an eyebrow at him incredulously.

“You know, I was kind of expecting a warmer welcome,” he admitted, careful of the firaan's sharp edge. Keema must have given it to him. “Have to say, though, would it be weird if I was a little turned on right now?”

Reyes scoffed.

Trailing the blade along the outline of his throat, Scott swallowed thickly when he eventually felt its pointed tip press underneath his chin. Reyes tilted it up, and Scott followed, lest he risk being cut.

Their eyes met, and Reyes smirked.

Bastard was toying with him.

Retracting his knife, Reyes sheathed the firaan while Scott tried to catch his breath. The goosebumps left behind in the dagger's wake soon receded, yet a warm heat lingered.

“Tsk.” Reyes huffed at him. “Ryder—”

Uh-oh, back to last name basis. From experience, that meant trouble.

“You know better than to sneak up on me!” Reyes scolded.

“I do,” Scott said, not even afraid to acknowledge it, “but I love getting a rise out of you.”

“What if I would have hurt you?”

“But you didn’t.”

Scowling, Reyes placed his hands on his hips. Shaking his head, he pinched at the bridge of his nose.

“Scott, what the hell am I going to do with you?” he asked, releasing his nose, half-fond and half-frustrated.

“I’m sure we could think of something.”

Reyes hummed in agreement, watching Scott approach the shuttle with his bag tossed over his shoulder. He dropped it to the ground, then immediately got to work.

Watching him closely, Reyes leaned against the side of his shuttle with a thoughtful look.

“Maybe I could take you on a date?”

While Reyes tried to sound confident, his attempt ultimately failed. Instead of forming the words into a bold offer, they fell flat, sounding more like an uncertain question.

Scott stopped what he was doing. He spared Reyes a brief glance, only to return his attention to the task at hand, hiding his flushed face.

“Wouldn’t Zia disapprove?” Scott asked, being rougher than necessary as he practically took apart the control panel.

Envy curled inside him, spreading like an infection through his bloodstream. There was a sharp squeeze around his heart as it was encased in the feeling.

Reyes called him out on it, way too perceptive for his own good.

“Ryder, are you jealous?” Reyes chuckled.

Scott glared, causing him to throw his hands up in surrender.

“Just asking.”

“And if I am?” Scott retorted.

“Then I’d have to put your mind at ease.”

“It’s really none of my busin—”

Reyes closed the distance between them. Reaching out, he cupped Scott’s cheek, brushing his thumb along his bottom lip. Weak as he was, Scott leaned into his touch for a split second. His eyes threatened to flutter closed, but he had to remain firm about this one matter, if nothing else.

As he started to pull away, Reyes said, “There is nothing going on between Zia and I.” Scott froze into place. “We went out for drinks a few times, nothing more.”

“You swear?” Scott asked, narrowing his eyes.

“I swear.” His voice grew heated, impassioned. “I might be a bad man when it comes to many things, but I wouldn’t ever lie about that to you.”

Scott considered that before replying, “Well, like I said—” He cleared his throat, eyes averted. “ It’s not really any of my business, so I don’t know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pried.”

He trailed off, uncertain why he was acting that way.

Reyes furrowed his brow.

“No need to be sorry. If you had crossed a line, then I would have said so.”

“Even then, you’re not mine. Your relationships are your own.”

“I could be.”

Scott regarded him skeptically.

“Could be what?”

“Yours,” Reyes answered instantly, staring intently at Scott. “Just say the word.”

If only they weren’t both keeping secrets from each other at the moment, then Scott might take him up on that.

Turns out, being with the Charlatan would be a huge conflict of interests. Who could’ve guessed?

Silence settled between them. It was as if the whole world was awaiting Scott’s answer with bated breath. Time itself seemed to stand still in anticipation.

“I—” He struggled to find the right words. “Give me time.”

That’s all he could ask.

Reyes’s hopeful expression fell, and that alone felt like a stab to the chest. Scott's breathing trembled a little, as if it was becoming difficult to continue drawing in one breath after another.

God, he didn’t want to hurt him, but neither of them could really afford to rush into things half-cocked.

Scott copied his earlier gesture, reaching out to cup Reyes’s cheek. The change was almost instantaneous, how the tension drained away, only for Reyes to melt into Scott’s touch. He leaned into his hand, starved for affection.

Scott swallowed thickly, unable to pull away, let alone take his eyes off of him for even a second.

“All I ask is that you give me time,” Scott repeated. “That’s not a ‘no.’ I just need to think a few things over, iron out a few details.”

Reyes listened, then agreed.

“Alright.” He pulled away with a small, private smile. “As if I could deny anyone such a reasonable request, especially you.”

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Returning his attention to the shuttle, Scott got back to work. After all, he didn’t want to neglect the poor bird, and it appeared that the shuttle was in desperate need of a little TLC.

His diagnostics only confirmed his suspicions.

When a couple of sparks resulted from his prodding, Scott chastised Reyes for mistreating their baby. Reyes grew defensive, both of them falling back to old habits as they bickered.

This was the type of work that Scott did on the Nexus after he got sidelined and shafted. Systems repairs, shuttle repairs, routine maintenance… That sorta thing.

It was how he met Reyes to begin with. Few pilots had the energy to hang around and talk shop with Scott while he worked, especially since a lot of them had only recently returned from failed colonization efforts. Understandably, most people didn’t want to entertain idle conversation after watching their friends die out in the field.

That was fine by Scott, but Reyes had always gone out of his way —even then— to make sure that Scott had anything and everything that he needed.

They might have taken his shuttle out on a few joyrides together, gotten in trouble for wasting fuel, but Scott wouldn’t trade that time they spent together for anything in the galaxy.

Even now, it felt natural to settle back into their old routine. While Scott worked, Reyes watched, and they talked about anything and everything.

Time passed, and Scott only got deeper into the repairs and modifications. Despite the setting sun, he still broke a sweat, a light sheen glistening upon his skin.

Eventually, he had to take off his shirt, leaving him in a plain tank top that quickly got dirty along with his hands.

Swiping at the perspiration beading at his hairline, Scott grunted as he came to a stopping point for now. He reached for his bag, but what he was seeking wasn’t there.

“Shit.”

Turning towards Reyes, Scott huffed at him.

The bastard wasn’t even trying to hide his staring. Face flushed, he was biting teasingly at his bottom lip, brown eyes dark as he watched Scott through a hooded gaze.

Getting to his feet, Scott crossed his arms over his chest.

“See something you like?”

“Definitely.”

“You’re shameless.” Scott shook his head in disbelief, tsking under his breath. “You’re just as bad as that one time when Gil Brodie asked for a ‘second opinion’ on some fix he made. Turns out, I ended up doing almost all of the work while he sat back and watched.”

“Smart man,” Reyes noted, giving Scott a thorough once-over. “This Gil must have great tastes.”

Scott snorted.

“Flattery will get you nowhere. If you really want to make me happy, then you would grab your water bottle for me.”

“Did you forget yours?” Reyes asked, slightly concerned. After all, being caught out in the badlands without water was just asking for dehydration or heat stroke.

Nevertheless, he got the bottle for him. Scott placed his hands over Reyes’s, shrugging with a flustered blush.

“Yeah,” Scott sighed. “I thought I had packed it! I don’t know where it could’ve wandered off to.”

“Perhaps you were in a bit of a rush to get here,” Reyes said, trailing off suggestively.

Scott figured that he would allow that.

“Perhaps,” he agreed, “but what else do I keep you around for, if not the water? You wouldn’t want the guy repairing your shuttle to get dehydrated, right?” Scott smirked. “I could get delirious, and it would be very unfortunate if I just so happened to forget to install an essential component.”

Reyes gasped dramatically, relinquishing the water to Scott, who was quick to take a swig.

“You always have to watch out for the pretty ones,” Reyes grumbled. “Always causing trouble, keeping secrets…”

There it was again. That sense of knowing , that sense that both of them were holding something back. It was left unsaid. Neither confronted the other about it, but they knew that the secrets were there.

Before the sudden lag in conversation could get too awkward, Scott took another swig of water and asked, “So, you think I’m pretty?”

Reyes chuckled, glad for the change of subject.

“Kian seems to think so,” he muttered. Leave it to him to avoid the question. “He keeps asking when you’re going to start working for him at Tartarus.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“As a dancer?” He had to make sure he was hearing right.

“Yep.”

“Could you imagine?” Scott scoffed. “Me, shaking my ass for money? A tempting offer. It would probably be more profitable than the odd jobs I take on here and there, but I think I’m fine where I’m at.”

“Damn,” Reyes sighed, “what a shame.”

Scott raised an eyebrow in his direction.

“You saying you would have come to watch me?”

“Not only that, but I would have paid to watch you,” Reyes said, “especially if I could have gotten a private show out of it.”

Scott tried to imagine it, grinning in spite of himself.

“What’s so funny?” Reyes wondered.

“Nothing, nothing,” Scott said, brushing off his concern. “That just made me remember a thought that I had earlier.”

“What about?”

“Oh, you know.” Scott gestured vaguely. “Just that I should start charging you a fee for when we spend time together.”

Reyes winked at him.

“It would be worth every credit.”

#mass effect #mass effect andromeda #scott ryder #reyes vidal #reyder #mreyder #my writing #my fanfic #scott ryder x reyes vidal #exile au #hopefully tumblr doesn't screw with the order of my paragraphs again :/

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selfcareparker · 4 years

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(lovely anon) ok so this may sound so dramatic but; let me paint you a picture: i’m responding to your latest message, sitting on the edge of the sofa. i type in “lovely anon” into the search and see this longgg post come up and i’m like uhhh... i scroll down and see the people you tagged and literally. when i saw @ lovely anon. i . cried . like full on tears. my brother goes “what are you doing” “she tagged meeeee” and he continued what he was doing and didn’t care LMAOO but i was so emotional? i love and appreciate you too and aAH IM CRYING!! you’re just really sweet and i didn’t expect it at all and it was really lovely to be a part of something :’)

the kermit pic sent meee but yes yes yes!! when you start uni let me know, lol i’m so excited for you!! let me know how it goes cuz i’m literally hype hahah & yes we will be in our sad corners of the world, missing england but you’re right it’ll be sooooo worth it in the end!!! and oH i’m glad you talk to them lol i truly thought you like haven’t seen them/haven’t spoken to them this whole time😭 that would’ve been awful!

also i totallyyy get what your saying about the english speaking thing. and idk why you’re insecure (well i *knowww* bc it’s not your first language and you’re studying it in college so yuh) but your english is great :)))

lol yeah that makes sense.. my mom took french in college and she remembers NOTHING HDJSHSJ (the fact that you wanna learn MORE languages i- ahh i so admire you.. you literally know so many languages🥺) yea i mean you know a bunch of languages bc you know the base of words lol, but i wonder if because you know latin it’ll be easier for you to learn french? oh- oh wait you said it’ll be easier HAHHAHA

THERES SO MUCH EXCITING STUFF TO TALK ABOUT HDGSJSJSL it’s so wild to me that you can’t watch chaos walking :( i’m a professional hacker tho so i’ll try and find a way for you LMAO (by professional hacker i mean i literally have gotten multiple free trials and i’m pretty sure the hulu police are after me bUT ITS THEIR FAULT BC WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE???) i mean the movie was good? and cute? and funny? but yea don’t think it’s gonna be the most fantastic thing haha AND THE DOGGO AWWW (i saw it again today- or my today lol, saturday, aND THESE OLD PEOPLE CAME AND SAT IN FRONT OF ME AND MY FRIEND LIKE ITS A LONG STORY LMK IF YOU WANNA HEAR IT)

SHARK FILMS?!?!! PLEASE READING THIS I HAD NO IDEA YOU WOULD LIKE SHARK MOVIES TOO FHSKSHSHDJDJGAJAYSJS ok so i haven’t seen any of the classics (i’m working on it) but i would probably watch jaws to laugh at it? not like that lmao but like comparing it. OKAY BUT HONESTLY I BARELY KNOW ANYONE WHO LIKES SHARK FILMS AHHH OKAY im adding “the shallows” to my watchlist bc it sounds super good AND SAME AHSJD ANY BODY OF WATER IN A MOVIE I JUST KNOW ITS COMING LMAO watch me not go in the water anymore after seeing that picture HHDJSJ

WHEN I READ THIS I JUST GOT DONE TALKING TO MY MOM ABOUT THE MEG AND THAT SCENE WHERE THE SHARKKK JUMPEDDDD AND ATE THE OTHER ONEEEE AND THEN JONAS HAD TO DO- bro i cannot (i think that one is my favorite because i love me a bit of romance and the subtle romance hAD ME) 47 meters down PHEW could you imagine?? i try not to think too hard about it i’m like “don’t be dumb catherine, don’t put yourself in a dumb situation” (not autocorrect having “dumb bitch” ready i am not lying) and i literally understand... there is no other way to explain 47 meters down

i CANNOT watch horror movies, can’t can’t can’t, i literally hate them i cannot do it!!! the thrill is tempting and it’s cool in the moment but i cant lmao. i don’t have nightmares about scary things (for the majority of the time) but going to sleep i’m like oooohhhhhh shit 🥲 literally what you explained

music !!!! music !!!! music !!!! (u ever write a word and now it looks weird lmao) MY BROTHER DOESNT LIKE MUSIC AND ITS SHIT IM LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU- anyway, my music taste is all over the place i mean......... it’s crazy. earlier today i was listening to meghan trainor’s album “title” oUT OF NOWHERE, but just a few minutes ago i was listening to fall in love with me by earth wind and fire soooo lol .. megan is *chefs kiss*, i’m not familiar with stormzy🙈, harry styles.... IM SORRY IM THAT PERSON but i don’t listen to his solo music EEK i only listen to adore you... and not that frequently... the music video freaked me out... i like niall’s solo music a lot more, which i listen to a lot more. now. one direction. favorite. please & thank you. i have a playlist called “boy bands” and it consists of one direction and the vamps (obsessed with cherry blossom btw) but as you can see my taste is all over the place!! fr fr if i sent you what apple music has as my “favorites” it went from ariana grande to carrie underwood to glee (OBSESSED DONT LET ME TALK ABOUT IT) i mean please if you let me i will nonstop (hamilton HDJSH) talk about music all day😩 & NOOO UR MUSIC IS GREAT HAHSK IM NOT A BIG RAP PERSON BUT DOJA CAT IS MY FAVORITE!!

okay good, i’m glad :) i was just nervous that you did feel that way <3 and GOT IT HAHAJ healthy pressure is always good :’) my friend got me these pens cuz i love stationary and school supplies lol and was like “now you have to write something” soooo yea i feel that! and i saw you posted the ficcccccc literally so proud of you 🥺🥺 i’m trying to decide if i read it tomorrow or tonight..... sleep or a literal beautiful creation made by the sweetest person and is v v nice smut and college!peter and 4.7k...... sleep aint really calling no more.

GIRL ALL OF MY SENTENCES ARE TOO LONG HAHAHAH IN FACT THIS IS TOO LONG SOOO (also why am i 3 days late..😑) anywho it’s 1 in the morning so <33 lovely anon

🥰

oh my god the fact that you cried nearly made me cry too😭😭🥺🥺 (also, your brother LMAO), i wasn‘t even sure if you‘d see it but i immediately thought of you so of COURSE i included you <333

the hulu police lsjsjaiaik, girl i was ready to get a hulu membership when i wanted to watch big time adolescence and i couldn‘t find it anywhereee, and when i got to the payment it said i need a bank account that‘s based in the US or whatever. like bro i was about to pay you!! but i was forced to find it somewhere (and i did, on levidia,— not that i‘ve ever used it because it‘s illegal 😤 i would never!!! i‘d rather support billion dollar companies and spend my money on watching films that i can find for free 🥰🥰🥰 not

i‘ve found chaos walking online so i‘ll watch it som time this week!! also YES TELL ME THE STORY

okay so idk if you watched/are planning on watching falcon and winter soldier but i watched the first episode the other day and they were speaking french (just a few seconds) and I UNDERSTOOD SOME WORDS DLDJDJ and i was so proud of myself. i‘ve only ever learned french with duolingo lol (i only do like 5 mins a day and that‘s why i was so surprised that i understood some of it!!). and yeah apart from latin i feel like italian, german, french and english are all similar in a sense.. i mean obviously they‘re completely different languages but for example there are some grammatical constructions in french that i think i wouldn‘t understand if i only spoke english? so when i translate those things into english you can‘t directly translate them bc you say things differently, but when i translate them into german then it makes more sense to me. idk that‘s something i noticed so i feel like if you already know multiple languages it‘s easier to learn another language compared to if you only know one language and are trying to learn a second one. even if the languages aren‘t similar then i think you get the hang of it easier.

ikd slsjsjs also i don‘t want you to think that i‘m a linguistic genius or anything lmfao, like i‘m only fluent in english and german and i‘m just a wannabe (ew that word) polyglot sksj (yes i had to google polyglot— i do think learning ancient greek would be super cool tho? like imagine studying latin AND ancient greek, whew). and honestly i don‘t think i‘ll ever be fluent in another language bc i don‘t plan on living anywhere other than germany or possibly england and i‘m not dedicated enough to properly learn any other languages esp if i don‘t have anyone to speak the language with. but i still try my best and i just love language/languages as a whole so yeah i‘m happy & just learning as much as i can dkdjh🥰

(I guess language/linguistics are/is my passion (which sounds sooo lame lmaoooo) and the word passion comes from the latin word pati (i think💀) which means to suffer, and in german passion is called Leidenschaft which basically means suffering too, idk why i‘m telling you this maybe you know it already. but ok dumb fun fact, in german you can make compound words with as many words as you like, and the longest official german word is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz which is a law for the monitoring of labels on beef... this is such a dumb fact but i think about that word like once a day idk why dodjsjsj so... 👁👄👁)

but i‘ll stop boring you with my linguistics talk because truly i don‘t know much about languages but i am interested omg i‘m gonna shut up now.

now water + sharks. (so in non-covid times i always go to croatia with my dad during the summer, and even before ever watching a shark film i was always kind of scared in water.. but after watching so many shark films wldjdj HELP Like you know when you go deeper into the ocean and you can‘t see or feel the ground/floor? anymore.. then i just start imagining sharks. like i can‘t help it i just imagine a shark sneaking up on me or feeling something graze my foot ABD I JUST START FREAKING OUT SSKJSHSJ. idk. anyway kdkdh i do love the ocean/swimming though but the older i get the more i realise how fucking scary the ocean is ( even if we’re gonna disregard sharks)

your brother... what‘s wrong with him? HOw CAN YOU NOT LIKE MUSIC LIKE WHAT THE FAWK

OKAY BUT SAME ABOUT THE ADORE YOU MUSIC VIDEO DLDKDJSJSKSLSLKSKSJSHSH and yeah i have to say harry’s style (styles lol) as a solo artist isn‘t reaaally my cup of tea, and i only like the popular songs from his second album and the first album is only good when i‘m in the right mood (haven‘t actually listened to it in a while though, but kiwi is one of my all time favourites along with only angel but i hate the start, like it takes 40 seconds to actually begin properly). i like mgk and because of him i watched the dirt which is a film about motley crue, and now one of my favourite songs ever is same ol situation and i‘m into rock now lol. +++ justin bieber. I had a justin bieber cardboard cutout thingy😭 i was the biggest Belieber on earth when i was 13-16, but i didn‘t like his last album and tbh he‘s become a bit weird lately, BUT OH MY GOD. i Listened to his new album yesterday and i‘m in LOVE with the song hold on

i really like niall‘s music toooo!!!! And doja cat 😌😌😌😌 And THE VAMPS OG MY GOD. i got to see them live bc they were the opening/support act for little mix and ajdsjskslslsjsjsj. (Also i love concerts, some of the best memories of my life are concerts, i‘ve seen nicki minaj live 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and justin twice and my heart fills every time i think about how excited i was, it was my first concert ever (16th of September 2016 😌) and i was the happiest person alive seeing justin drew fucking bieber (even if i‘m not tooo sure about justin nowadays)

i have a confession? Idk what hamilton is. I mean I‘ve heard about it and i keep googling it but i‘ve never watched it (is it even a film???? or like a proper musical? also pls tell me you grew up with high school musical. i have a few friends who didn‘t and it makes me so sad 😭😭😭 hsm is the best thing to happen to my childhood , the sooooongs— i still listen to some of them every week or month lool they make me so happy)

(Okay wait i was about to recommend some stormzy songs but you said you‘re not that into rap so i won‘t dksksjl)

What you said about my fic AHSLSLSJB (i wasn‘t sure if you sent an ask about it earlier? idk that might have been someone else, so if it was (and you‘ve read it already) i hope you liked it sksjsj i was...... unsure about it. and i have this reeaaallly long peter fic that i started writing in december and that‘s the only peter thing i currently want to write but also i can‘t because idk how to continue kddjj.) but I’m definitely getting back into writing i have a few blurbs that i want to write so 🥰🥰🥰

Oh and pls as soon as you read this let me know: violet or yellow? (it‘s just a tiny thing for my new theme slsksj)

#lovely anon #BY THE WAY: do not feel bad or apologise for not answering straight away #you can take your time i know it can be exhausting (not bc its anything bad but just because its so much and so long) to answer to my shit #all at once*#so really i don‘t mind if you take a few days or a week or whatever to respond #or if you want to you can respond bit by bit/topic by topic whenever you feel like it #so you don‘t have to concentrate on an ask and my post for like AN HOUR DLSKJ but rather do it in smaller chunks #if you want <3 #btw i‘m always so scared that i‘ll type lonely anon instead of lovely dldjdjsksk so if i ever do that i‘m just being #(cue your autocorrect dldkdj) a dumb bitch #its 1 am now sorry if there are any mistakes (i‘ll stop apologing from now now lol but i still am sorry you have to read my word vomit lmao)#*apologis #*from now on #omg

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rainey-staerie-daize · 3 years

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So far, this’s been a weird bad week.

On Sunday, I awoke to cinnamon rolls, strawberries, and bagels, which is unusual in our household. We usually have cereal, but I was fine with this change. I love cinnamon rolls. I thought this was gonna be the only oddity of that day, but I was wrong.

Skye said she was gonna stay home during the littles’ visit, so I got hopeful that I could have a heart-to-heart with Mom about the previous week in the car, but she ended up coming with because I was and she didn’t want to be home alone. And then, Kare was with us too, because she didn’t want to go, so we had her with us for two hours. But, oh! Not two hours, but one, because without Kare, Xan only wanted to spend one hour with their dad.

So, instead of maybe stopping at the store or something, and counting off all the reasons I’ve been upset with my mother, we took a drive for an hour with my sisters. For the first time ever, I turned the other way in the car, hoping Mom got the hint that something was up. After a while of silence, she asked Kare how she was doing, as she usually does when it’s been silent for a while, and then asked me the same thing a minute later. I gave a noncommittal hum, not wanting to talk in that moment with almost everyone in the car.

Before picking up Xan, she went through the Starbucks drive-through to get us each something, so I turned the right way to be able to drink my matcha pineapple drink, but I was still not very happy. Refreshers and fraps can’t fix the hole in my heart where love should go.

After getting Xan, we went to Ross for a new outfit or two each because it’s getting hot out here and Mom has stimulus money right now. I usually love shopping, but considering that I was already upset, Mom previously promised an individual “date” day with each of us for this, I didn’t have my glasses or phone that day, and I like to take my time, I wasn’t having a good time. I found cute items that were too small for me, and couldn’t take pics because I didn’t bring my phone, and I was the last one of the family to be perusing the racks. I HATE to be the one everyone’s waiting on.

And then to top it all off, Mom complained in the car that she “spent way too much money.” I already have a nagging guilt in my subconscious soul whenever I’ve been done shopping the last few times, even when spending my own money. I really didn’t need to hear that I’m actually being a burden on someone, either time-wise or financially.

Holy shit, I need to take a minute.

Anyway, we came home, and everyone went straight to trying everything on. Which makes me anxious, because we just got these clothes, and Mom usually wipes things down or washes them before we use them. Wondered for a few if I was being paranoid, before concluding that I’m not and Mom’s just slipping at this game.

Then Mom started talking about chores we need to get done, and that the garage is getting cleaned out today. Now, she’s said this a lot, so I never know when she’s actually gonna get serious, but apparently, she actually meant it.

I like to clean by myself, preferably when everyone’s asleep or gone, because I know damn well I take to long, and I don’t want the ridicule. Big problem with that is the fact that the anxiety from the possible judgement keeps me from actually starting, so I end up never starting and it never gets done. And Mom was is sick of my shit. Many of the boxes and bags of laundry in the garage are mine.

So, as I was sitting in the kitchen trying to enjoy the ice cream Mom said we could all have, I was trying not to panic when Skye was going through the garage for stuff to bring in and go through. Mom mentioned that she was gonna “force inspiration to clean” onto me, and I told her that’s not how that works.”

Luckily, she found a couple bags of toys to go through first, and I sat and watched, trying to relax so I’d stop feeling sick to my stomach. I’m trying not to feel sick as I type this all, but I gotta let my feelings out somewhere.

Eventually, she brought in a bag of my stuff. I looked at a couple items, and determined it was a bag I’d already gone through a few months ago. It was only in the garage again because I hadn’t washed and put it away yet. So far, so good. Another bag, and I was able to throw some things away without any second guessing. Eventually, I didn’t feel so sick anymore, and was in productive mode.

At some point, Skye asked if she should bring in something that wasn’t clothes, and I explained quietly that I’ve had enough mentally. “Please don’t make me switch tasks right now.” I’m so glad, that at age 20, I know I’m autistic, read up on it a ton, and now have the tools I need to communicate what’s going on in my head.

Skye understood, and brought in more clothes. I’m also so glad to have her as a sister. Mom would’ve seen it as making excuses, which is why I tried not to be loud enough for her to hear. I was in a zone, doing what she wanted (and I needed) for once, and I didn’t need her to break it by yelling.

I set aside the things that weren’t mine to go through, and I got it done. Since I still had quite a lot, I decided to go through everything more selectively at another time, on my own time. We’ll see how that goes.

Had dinner, and I didn’t feel like eating as much as I usually do, and said this to Mom. Told her about how the day went nothing like how I’d planned, and she seemed to finally recognise some depression in me, and offered to have that talk I wanted that night or the next day. After dinner, I chilled for a while with the Gravity Falls tag (pretty sure y’all’ve noticed) in the bathroom, because it’s the one private room of the house and I wanted to be alone, and when I came out, everyone was sleeping and Mom was cleaning. She was spraying everything with Febreze, and then vacuumed after a few, and told me to check my slippers to see if they’re dirty before walking on the carpets. I find this a bit absurd, seeing as how Mom is the one who gets the floors dirty with her shoes (FR, she’s the only one of us that leaves visible shoe prints inside), and I wear slippers specifically so I don’t have to keep washing my feet all the damn time. But not wanting an argument, I complied, and took off my slippers to sit at the desk with the laptop.

The plan was to finally catch up on my school work, but after Mom got on me about the dog being neglected, I simply didn’t have the spoons, and looked up pics of Ford’s futuristic gun. Eventually started reading Gravity Falls: Lost Legends on the purple game phone. Not very productive, I know, but I knew I didn’t have actual class the next day, and I’m normally very responsible with the dog. I’ve only been neglecting her as a bit of a social experiment to see if anybody would notice that the one person who cares for her hasn’t been. Don’t worry, I gave her food and water after a while, but I left the red blanket covered in Kare’s piss over the crate, because if Mom thinks she knows best and wants to put a dirty-ass blanket over the crate, who am I to remove it?

Fucking bitch.

Anyway, after she went to sleep, the living room felt like the Twilight Zone. It had the vibe of being freshly steam-cleaned, despite not being cleaned at all, I felt like I couldn’t lay down anywhere because dirty laundry had touched my leg earlier and I didn’t feel like showering yet, and everyone was asleep but me. Two or three lights were on but I shut them off to help calm my mind a bit. Worked a bit, and I continued reading until the next morning. I heard Mom’s alarm for Xan’s school day start going off, and not wanting to interact with her, I laid down to sleep, letting fate decide if she gets up on time or not. Skye says she didn’t, and Xan ended up not going to school. Oh well. Not my problem.

Oy, she would think I’m such a selfish bitch if she read that, but I honestly don’t care. I half hope she stumbles across this blog just so she finally knows what I’m thinking all the damn time. Stars know that we never did have that talk. In fact, when I made a comment before she went to sleep on Sunday that I’m aweful at this whole “being a human thing,” she accused me of just trying to get sympathy, and “stop the whole ‘woe is me’ bullshit.”

Oy, so I’m amazing, I guess? What do you want me to say? Nothing?? I mean, I guess that’s correct. I would finally stop bugging her with my too-loud voice. I try to moderate my volume, I really do, but sometimes I forget, or I’m being louder than I think I am.

Yesterday, I slept a lot of the day, woke up to take an exam, and came out of my room to find all but one piece of the pineapple Mom got gone. Not only did everyone save me only a single cube, it was so sweet and good, and I’m not sure I did so well on my exam. Mom said the littles’ scarfed it all down in minutes, and that it wasn’t even that good because the enzymes burned their tongues, but I don’t feel bad for them. They wouldn’t have gotten burned so bad if they had saved some for Skye and I. She was still sleeping at the time. I also spotted the only pineapple juice in Kare’s Starbucks cup from the day before, but when I took a sip (because she often wastes food, she won’t miss it), I discovered it was watered down. Ugh.

That night, last night, as I stayed up late reading fan-made Gravity Falls comics, I tried to stay as silent as possible. My laughter is often loud, and I was finally having a good time. I didn’t need Mom waking up to scold me with the whole “I work graveyard, and I just got vaccinated! Why can’t I ever sleep?!”

I think I did a pretty great job of staying quiet for once, but at some point, she called my name, which startled me a bit. I went to her room to see what was up, but after I called back and got no response, I determined that she just called my name in her sleep. Whew.

And now, I’m sitting at the kitchen table, typing away, still being silent. I’ll have a good time with Skye when Mom’s not around. Mom doesn’t deserve to hear my laughter anymore if she doesn’t want it so bad. She was watching late-night comedy when I was typing the first part of this post, but at some point, she got up, and I quickly-but-casually switched tabs to the music I was listening to to read the comments until she left from behind me again. I do want to talk about all of this with her eventually, but I really don’t tonight, and she sometimes reads over my shoulder if it’s easy for her to do so.

I hope she’s getting ready for work right now, and she won’t be able to get an Early Out. I’d love for the anxiety of her randomly crashing my vibes to be gone. Maybe (but probably not) I’ll clean, maybe I’ll read some more in the dark. Don’t know yet.

#hopes and dreams crash and burn #you may hope there's a phoenix somewhere #but there's likely not #they're dead #Raine's daize #I wonder how many of y'all can relate to any of this #anxiety #autism

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wesleyhill · 4 years

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Jesus Feeds Us

A homily on Matthew 14:13-21 preached at Trinity Episcopal Cathedral, Pittsburgh, on the Ninth Sunday after Pentecost 2020

I would speak to you in the name of God, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

In just a few moments, Aidan our priest is going to stand behind the altar there and pick up a piece of bread and a cup of wine. He will pray over them, asking the Holy Spirit to set them apart so that they might be for us the body and blood of Christ. And then those of us who are here will eat that gift of Christ’s body and drink his blood. And any of you who want to partake can receive them this week (just call or send us an email, and we’ll bring Communion to you in a safe, socially distant way).

What we are about to partake of goes by different names: Holy Communion, the Eucharist, the Mass. The Second Vatican Council, in a wonderful phrase, said that the Eucharist is “the source and summit of the Christian life.” Somehow, when we receive the Eucharist, we are returning to the nourishing heart of our faith. We are given divine grace in Holy Communion as we receive it with faith and gratitude.

I have been thinking a lot about Communion over these past few months of lockdown. I have been able to receive it, as you’ve seen here via the livestream, but I know many, many Christians, and even many of you, who have not. And they have longed for it, sometimes without really knowing why. In light of this extraordinary situation, starting this fall, I’m going to be offering to you some teaching videos on the cathedral Facebook page specifically on the Eucharist and why it remains so important, why it is indeed “the source and summit of the Christian life.”

But for now, this morning, I want to look at our Gospel reading through the lens of the Eucharist. The reason I want to do that is I think that’s what the Gospel is inviting us to do. Listen again to the climax of the story: “Taking the five loaves and the two fish, he looked up to heaven, and blessed and broke the loaves, and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds.” Does that choreography sound familiar? We’re about to watch Fr. Aidan take the bread and wine, look up to heaven, bless and break the bread and pour out the wine, and give them to me, the deacon, and I’ll carry them to those here present — and to any of you who request a visit. What Jesus is doing is, we might say, eucharistic. It’s not the Eucharist itself, but it should remind us of the Eucharist, and the Eucharist should remind us of the story. If we pay attention to what is happening in this story, we’ll better understand what is happening to and with us when we receive Holy Communion.

First of all, let me give you the simplest way I know to think about what the Eucharist is. This is what I tell my 3-year-old goddaughter: The Eucharist is Jesus feeding us. We come to him hungry, needy, broken, and sinful, and he feeds us. How?

One thing we should immediately think about is that Jesus feeds us in a surprising way. In the story, the disciples, of course, are the ones who make the rational plans. They come to Jesus with a proposal for how to take care of the restless crowds. They remind him of the desolate setting — there are no markets around, no houses whose doors you could knock on to ask for bread — and then say, “[S]end the crowds away so that they may go into the villages and buy food for themselves.” But Jesus, bizarrely, says, “They need not go away; you give something to eat.” This is our first clue that the meal the crowds are about to eat isn’t “business as usual.” There is something new, something strange, something from another realm or dimension, about to take place. That’s of course the way it always is with Jesus: he’s always surprising us, always bursting out of our limited categories of understanding, toppling tables, breaking the rules, taking people off-guard with his unprecedented authority and power. He is always, as we heard in our daily lectionary reading last week, “going ahead of us.” Here Jesus shows his glorious freedom to act otherwise than what we could ever imagine. He breaks out of the narrow boundaries of the disciples’ thinking and performs one of his famous “deeds of power,” bringing provision and nourishment in a way no ordinary human process ever could.

And that, friends, is how we ought to understand what is happening when we receive Holy Communion in humble trust and expectation. Jesus is feeding us in a way that is miraculous, arresting, unpredictable, surprising. We are not dealing here with simply a human occurrence, a religious or cultural ritual. We are being fed by the Lord himself. This is a supernatural meal, a visible sign of the workings of God’s effectual grace.

But not only does Jesus feeds us in a surprising, lordly way. He also feeds us freely. In the Gospel story, there is the notable absence of any exchange of money or goods. Jesus doesn’t offer to feed the crowds on the condition that they come up with payment. He doesn’t set any conditions at all. He simply gives the bread and fish away, with no ifs, ands, or buts.

It’s probably not an accident that the creators of our lectionary, our schedule of Scripture readings, appointed that wonderful passage from the Hebrew prophet Isaiah to be read alongside our Gospel story for today.

Thus says the Lord: “Ho, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and you that have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy? Listen carefully to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food…”

What the Old Testament prophet saw about the free gift of God’s favor is exactly what took place in the life and ministry of Jesus. Over and over again, Jesus called out to those who had no money, no social standing, no distinguishing virtues or character qualities, no moral uprightness, and he said to them, “Come, have bread and fish without money and without price. Come, receive my body and blood without cost and without payment.”

One of my favorite hymns is Hymn # 685, “Rock of Ages, Cleft for Me.” In that hymn, you and I are invited to say to the Lord, “in my hand no price I bring, simply to thy cross I cling.” That’s about as succinct and memorable a summary of God’s good news as I can imagine, and we are about to show it with our bodies this morning as we open our hands to receive the gift of Christ’s body and blood. Our hands will be empty; we won’t be carrying a check book or a debit card to try to bargain for God’s grace. We will hold out our bare palms, and Christ will feed us freely.

Finally, we can see from our Gospel reading that Jesus not only feeds us surprisingly and freely; he also feeds us abundantly. Listen again to how the story concludes: “And all ate and were filled; and they took up what was left over of the broken pieces, twelve baskets full. And those who ate were about five thousand men, besides women and children.” All ate, and not just nibbled: they were filled, satisfied, satiated. And, even so, there were leftovers, with as many baskets full at the end as there were tribes in Israel. Not only that, but the “all” who ate to their hearts’ content numbered over 5,000, perhaps even twice that number. This is a story of extravagance, of abundance. What Jesus gives is lavish, over the top, more than we could ever dream of asking for. He gives and gives and gives, without measure and without end, and there is always more.

Ultimately, what Jesus gives is… himself. Jesus gives us his very life, the love that he is, the abundance that is his person. That is what he was offering to those hungry crowds that day in Palestine, and that is what he offers to us in Holy Communion. Jesus feeds us… himself.

There is only one of Jesus’s miracles that is recorded in all four Gospels, and that is the miracle of his feeding the 5,000. We read St. Matthew’s version this morning, but if we had read the version in chapter 6 of the Fourth Gospel, we would find this point about Jesus feeding us with his own life to be unmistakable. Right after all the leftovers are collected and Jesus has gone on to another place, he says to the crowds, “[T]he bread of God is that which comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.” With the memory of the loaves and fishes still fresh in their minds, they say, “Sir, give us this bread always.” And that is the moment when Jesus says, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.” And then, in language that is filled with eucharistic overtones, Jesus says, “I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats of this bread will live forever; and the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh…. Those who eat my flesh and drink my blood have eternal life, and I will raise them up on the last day; for my flesh is true food and my blood is true drink. Those who eat my flesh and drink my blood abide in me, and I in them. Just as the living Father sent me, and I live because of the Father, so whoever eats me will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven, not like that which your ancestors ate, and they died. But the one who eats this bread will live forever.”

Friends, Jesus feeds us surprisingly, freely, and abundantly — because what he feeds us with is his own life, his broken body and shed blood, so that his life might become our life; that by communing with him, we might be healed.

I remember talking with a wise older priest when I first became an Episcopalian. He asked me what drew me to our church. I fumbled around for an answer, trying to sound well-informed and engaged. But then I decided just to be honest: “I’m here mainly because of the Eucharist. I meet Jesus in Holy Communion.”

And the priest, his eyes misty, said, “He’s here, isn’t he? He’s really here.”

Amen.

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sicut-in-caelo-et-in-terra · 4 years

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Hi! I came across your blog and I’m so happy I did. I recently started to open my eyes and wanted to know Jesus and I am beyond happy I did because I already feel like a more calming presence around me. However, I was wondering if you have advice on how to stop with the ‘false idols’ thing? I spent the last few years only feeling validated when getting notices, spending money or whatever for meeting celebrities I liked and I’m so exhausted + tired of doing this. I’m just scared of falling back

Thank you so much for the ask! And I'm so happy you've been coming to know Jesus!

Yeah, false idols are tough. We all have them, and there's extensive literature on why they're bad and how to get rid of them - read the writings of almost any Saint. The first one that comes to mind is St. Thérèse of Lisieux and her little way. For more info I would recommend reading one of her actual works like Story of a Soul, or you can read something about her writings by someone else, like I Believe in Love by Fr. Jean C. J. D'Elbée. But here's my take largely based on the Little Way.

Here's the thing that might kind of seem surprising to hear in a discourse on purging idols. Money, power, fame, sex (although sex is a bit complicated of a topic, for a different post), things you buy, food, celebrities, likes on social media, politics, all these things that can become idols, aren't actually intrinsically bad. They become bad when they become your source of meaning. They become bad when they become the center of your life. They become bad when they stand in between you and God. They become bad when you stop seeing them as gifts God has given you, and start seeing them as things you deserve, or things you need, or things you can't be happy without.

Okay, great, that's why we've come here, so that we can figure out how to make those things be not like that.

Let's talk about chocolate. Chocolate is good. Chocolate is exquisite. I love it. I just had a piece of chocolate earlier today because it was my cousin's wedding and my mom was making candy baggies for the guests and there was some candy left over. I had a dark chocolate Kit Kat. I ate it and it was great, and I didn't think much about it and went on with the rest of my day.

But before time began, before the creation of the angels, before the beginning - God, who would go on to create massive spheres of plasma millions of times bigger than the sun, and black holes and quasars and dazzling crystals of amethyst and waterfalls and physics and kittens, who would go on and send his dear Jesus to die because he would rather endure that pain than be separated from me, who even now has sent an angel to watch over me who is so powerful that he could extinguish any one of those gigantic stars with a swing of his sword, God said, "On October 10, 2020, my beloved son Jared is going to eat a dark chocolate Kit Kat bar and I can't wait to make him even just a little bit happy for it."

Like can you understand that?! This modicum of joy that I received, which I barely paid any mind to before moving on with my day, was a gift that since before it all happened God has been giddy to witness me experience. Even now as I move my thumb across the screen to write these words, God watches with utter love, in total enjoyment. You know how when you see a gif of a celebrity you like doing some normal movement in their day and you fall a little more in love? God experiences* a million billion kajillion times that, towards you, specifically, every second of every day.

(*to say 'God "experiences"' is not quite right but in this context it is a sufficient explanation even if not technically accurate)

Okay, so idols.

Everything that is good, is good because of God. And any and every good that happens to you, ever, is because God specifically wanted it for you (delight that comes from sin is not counted here as a good) because He loves you.

Why is there something rather than nothing? Why is there a you rather than no you? God doesn't need you, and He doesn't lack anything without you. He made you out of love, because He wants the good for you. Everything is a gift.

And suffering? That's also a gift. But for a different post.

So, go ahead and eat a dark chocolate Kit Kat bar. You might be tempted to think, "I deserve this." You might be tempted to eat the first one and then seek after infinite dark chocolate Kit Kat bars because you love them so much. You might be tempted to treat the dark chocolate Kit Kat bar as an end unto itself. I guess you might be tempted to construct a golden dark chocolate Kit Kat bar statue and have an orgy all around it until Moses comes down from the mountain and grinds it into powder, mixes it with water, and makes you drink it. But instead, do this - recite these words: "Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts, which we have received from thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord." And really understand the words. Know that this is a gift, given to you freely by God. Let this dark chocolate Kit Kat bar be a sign, from God to you, that He loves you. That is what good things are for.

When all your candy is eaten for the candy's sake, or to vainly fill some hole that a wound has left in your heart, it will leave you, as you described, empty. But, properly ordered, no good thing will ever go to waste.

Now, some more practical tips (and anyone reading this please feel free to add)

1. Fast. This is a good practice for everyone, but especially if you've identified a particular idol in your life that you're having trouble ordering properly. If there's something that keeps making you feel empty, something that keeps getting in your way on your path to God, give it up. If it's not a sin, give it up only for a time, and break the fast sometimes. As Catholics we break our fasts on Sundays and solemnities to celebrate the Resurrection, but it's also a good practice because having something you really like but haven't had in a while, makes you appreciate it more and it's easier to see it as a gift. Also bask in the silence that has been brought to your life when this thing you often turn to is no longer available. It's uncomfortable at first but it's good.

2. Thankfuls. I do this every night, once over the phone with my girlfriend and once right before bed as part of my examen prayer. Now, psychologists are recommending it for people with depression as well so. Basically what you're going to do is review your day and notice the gifts you have been given. You can tell someone or write it down, or just pray it. Thank God for everything you've received. If your mind tends to wander like mine, I recommend with starting with a set number, like 3. Or try and think of everything you can.

3. Replace. This is another psychology tactic, also useful when conquering sin. Feeling like you want to watch porn? Draw instead (doesn't have to be a good drawing). Feeling like you're going to gossip? Excuse yourself and say a quick prayer instead. Gonna post something funny (and maybe a bit mean) for the sweet sweet dopamine from getting likes? Maybe journal instead. Have a plan for when you notice yourself being about to idol something. Fasting can enhance this practice cause it makes you more aware and more likely to catch yourself as well.

That was a very long post, but I hope it was helpful. Thank you for reading! And I'll be praying for you.

#ask #catholic #christian #jesus #christianity #god #mine #catholicism #answered #Thérèse of lisieux #gratitude #idols #thankfulness #fasting

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emeto-omo · 5 years

Note

I saw your post about McHanzo prompts, so I was wondering if you might be willing to write something where Hanzo takes Mcree out to eat. Mcree’s stomach feels a little funny, but he doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t want to ruin anything, and food actually seems to help, so he winds up eating a lot, but then his stomach actually winds up extremely sick, and Hanzo has to rub it to help him burp and throw up and he’s just miserable the rest of the night because his stomach is so upset.

((Sorry it took so long, anon! I’ll also be adding this to my Ao3 too! https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmetoOmo/works ))Title: Dinner and a Tummy RubCharacters: Hanzo Shimada, Jesse McCreeSummary: It’s their anniversary, and Hanzo has made a reservation at a local hibachi restaurant. McCree, not feeling well, buries it all to enjoy a wonderful anniversary dinner with his boyfriend.

----Hanzo Shimada was not one for anniversaries. Outside of his annual visit to his brother’s shrine, he really didn’t care much to observe any. Jesse McCree, however, lived for them and it was on that premise that Hanzo found himself downstairs watching the clock, waiting on McCree to get ready and praying they didn’t miss their reservation.

“Now I’m ready,” McCree said, coming down the stairs with a shit eating grin on his face. The cowboy looked…well…pretty much like he always looked. Maybe a bit cleaner, and not wearing his usual shoulder draping. Definitely a bit rough, however, for their formal dinner plans.

Hanzo stood in stark contrast to him in black slacks, a white pinstripe button up shirt, and a blue and dark grey vest. “You are wearing that?” Hanzo asked.

“What?” McCree asked, looking down at his clothes. “These are my lucky pants!”

“There are no less than three bullet holes in them. I would hardly call them lucky.” Hanzo sighed.

“I ain’t dead, am I?” McCree retorted, a winning grin on his lips.

Despite his usually stoic demeaner, Hanzo couldn’t help but to crack a half smirk. “Come then, before we are too late and they send us back home.”

“There’s always McDonalds…” McCree reminded him, following him out the door.

----

The car ride over had unsettled McCree’s stomach, turning what had been a mild gnawing in the pit of his tummy all day had become more of a slow churn. Truth be told, he’d been so excited that Hanzo had made reservations, he’d avoided food just to be sure he would have room for dinner. Certainly some food would settle it some, right?

Hanzo wasn’t entirely into the Hibachi scene, a little too much show for his taste, but he knew that McCree got a big kick out of the theatrics. Though he had called it formal, it was truly Hanzo that was overdressed for the venue. A quiet table in the corner had been reserved for them…even after the manager had explain painstakingly that they didn’t do reservations for parties of two. It was nothing a little money couldn’t fix.

“Ya really went all out, Han,” McCree smirked, taking a seat and sitting his cowboy hat in the empty seat to the other side of him.

Hanzo sat and rolled his sleeves up to the elbows. “That is what you keep telling me anniversaries are for.” He said, a bit of mirth in his tone.

McCree took in his lover’s appearance, the way a few women across the room kept shooting flirty glances in his direction, giggling to each other. McCree chuckled, making Hanzo look up at him, clueless he was being eyeballed. “What?”

“Rollin up yer sleeves like that, yer givin’ off serious Daddy vibes.” McCree joked, barely able to say it with a straight face. He knew exactly how ridiculous he sounded, and it was all worth it to see the look on Hanzo’s face.

“Daddy…vibes?” He asked confused, a slight cant to his head.

“Yeah, ya know? Daddy vibes. Them…uh…Kristen Grey feels from that Grey movie.” McCree said, watching Hanzo die inside as he butchered that.

“…Christian Grey?”

“Ah! So ya do watch those movies!” McCree said victorious. He had come down stairs one night a few months back and caught Hanzo on the couch watching 50 Shades of Grey, the archer insisting that he had simple had indigestion and was merely dozing where he sat up…McCree was fairly sure he’d been pretty intent in watching it.

“You can spend this anniversary alone, I can go back home,” Hanzo said, crossing his arms, pink creeping across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose.

McCree only smiled all the more. “Na, it’s alright, I won’t dog on yer terrible movie taste. Ya watch my spaghetti westerns without complainin’,” he chuckled, the fun mood making him forget about the turmoil in his tummy.

Hanzo settled into a comfortable, faux broody silence, thankful when the chef came to their table to start the show. There had been no expense spared, and before they knew it, they were given a veritable smorgasbord of food before them. Not just the fried seafood, veggies, and steak from the hibachi, but an array of sushi, some Udon, and some of the most potent sake bombs.

It was truly enough for six people, but once they got started, they would slowly work through it. McCree found himself feeling better yet the more he ate, glad it was likely just the hunger that had upset his stomach before. Three sake bombs later, he couldn’t remember that it had bothered him at all. Hanzo had only taken one, knowing he needed to drive, but was happy to get more for his lover while they enjoyed their anniversary.

“Wanna feed me?” McCree asked, cheeks flushed from the alcohol, a flirty smirk on his lips as he pushed the last plate toward Hanzo.

“I think you are likely full enough,” Hanzo found himself smiling, amused.

“I am,” McCree said, rubbing his tummy, feeling it gurgle lightly beneath his fingers. “Ain’t that what you like?”

That blush returned on the archer’s cheeks, and he looked around to see if anyone had overheard. “Here? In the restaurant?”

“Where else?”

Hanzo sucked in a breath between his teeth, readjusting how he sat as he felt himself flush with heat. He grabbed his chopsticks and began to feed the rest of it to McCree, being generous enough to let him stop to get some water to help wash it all down. McCree met Hanzo’s dark eyes as he took the shrimp, steak, veggies, whatever Hanzo would bring to his lips. “I’m so full.”

“Just a little more,” Hanzo whispered, a tenderness to his tone. “You know you have to make it home. There isn’t enough room in their restrooms here for—”

“I know, I can do it,” McCree smirked at him.

Hanzo smiled, handing him the remainder of his own Udon bowl, and instructed him to finish it off while he headed to pay the check. McCree took it in hand and began to finish it, chewing meticulously slow to make sure he could get it down.

While he waited for change, Hanzo glanced back at the table just in time to see McCree’s shoulders lurch some, a gag coming up unexpectedly as he quickly recovered. Hanzo’s heart fluttered in his chest, warm and tingling all over. He needed to get him home.

---

“Han…” McCree whined as they pulled into the driveway, the car jerking some as it pulled in.

“You made it this far,” Hanzo said tenderly, already unbuckling both of their seatbelts once he put the car in park. McCree hiccupped softly, sucking in a quick breath of air as the pressure of the belt was released from his stomach, a weak belch coming up without warning.

The archer came around to his side to help him get his door open. McCree’s mouth was watering some, and for several moments, he sat with his head between his knees hanging just over the payment while he still remained in the seat, waiting and willing the vomit to come up. “Not yet.” Hanzo whispered in his ear.

McCree whined softly but took his lover’s hand letting him help him to his feet, and ultimately back within the house. He breathed swallowed thickly as they got across the threshold, his stomach audibly gurgling, painful in its bloating. “I feel so sick.”

“I am surprised. It was a lot, but not the most we’ve done,” Hanzo said softly, crouching to help McCree out of his boots.

“I was…feelin’ sick before we left,” McCree admitted, trying to force a burp, but aborting it once it put up too much of a resistance.

Hanzo looked up. “We could have stayed home.”

McCree gave him a true, albeit miserable smiled, reaching down to release Hanzo’s hair from the bun it was in. “And miss seein’ ya flush knowin’ how sick I feel now? Nah.”

Hanzo could only smile, and reached up to unbuckle McCree’s belt, helping him out of his pants there in the entryway still. As the cowboy stepped out of his pants, Hanzo reached up to run his hand over the swell of McCree’s stomach. Rrrrruuuuuuuuurrrrrhrrrggggllllll.. his stomach audibly whined, the bubbles streaming beneath the flesh under his touch.

“God…” McCree moaned miserably, putting his hat on the hook and moving to unbutton his shirt. He just wanted free of it all, the nausea causing anxiety to climb.

“Shhh, I am here,” Hanzo whispered, kissing his tummy lightly, and standing once more, moved to help McCree over onto the couch.

“Shouldn’t…we go to the bathroom?” McCree worried, not arguing however as Hanzo helped him setting down into the soft cushions.

“I will get the trash can. No reason for you to be more uncomfortable than need be.”

McCree settled back, closing his eyes with a groan. His poor tummy felt like it was a ship adrift on the open seas, roiling to the whims of a summer storm. Just the idea of rough waters made McCree’s mouth water again, and he pressed the back of his hand against his lips, trying to hold back the flood til Hanzo returned.

It was barely a minute when he returned with a small, plastic trash can lined with a plastic shopping sack from the last time they grabbed groceries. Immediately McCree pitched forward to spit the bitterness from his lips, shuddering and giving a weak gag at the stringiness of it.

Hanzo sat and rubbed his back. “Relax. You can let it up.” He said gently, grabbing the remote to turn on one of McCree’s westerns for background noise.

Several minutes passed, filled with groaning and whining from his stomach, the bloating so painful it was almost unbearable. He squirmed uncomfortably, liquid sloshing audibly with every move, but no matter how much he willed and spit, and tried to strain a belch…nothing came up. He had broken out in a cold sweat now, and Hanzo could only watch on with a frown.

“Do you want me to rub it?” He asked softly, still in that scion-esque formal outfit. His only concern was for McCree, not worried about putting wrinkles into his expensive clothes.

McCree nodded pitifully. “Please…” he begged.

Hanzo’s hand rested firm on his stomach, just adding to McCree’s discomfort, even as he began to rub in slow circles. Once he found the bubbles, he chased them, trying to rub them away only to force a loud, wet and gurgling belch from McCree’s lips. “Mm, god..” he groaned miserably.

“Better?” Hanzo asked.

“K-keep going.”

Hanzo pressed a little harder, eliciting another longer belch from McCree, ending with a definite wetness as he spat brown bile into the trash can. He could feel it in his throat, growing like a pressure geyser, and opened his mouth. He let the drool pool and spill from his lips in a long string, his eyes watering some as he felt it burn on the back of his tongue. God, why wouldn’t it just come out?

He let his hand fall wet upon Hanzo’s and pressed in and up hard, instantly making a choking sound as he pitched forward and expelling a small gush of vomit into the trash. “There you go, let it happen.” Hanzo said comfortingly, taking upon himself to press again, forcing up a large air pocket as a burp, only for it to end in a more forceful wave of puke.

McCree was shaking now as his body took the hint, barely giving him a moment for breath before he gagged hard enough it sprayed out of mouth and nose both, and forcing viscous chunks of udon noodles and veggies to spray over the lip of the trash can and onto his lap and the floor. His veins in his neck strained as he gurgled another bunch of tangled noodles up, causing him to choke mid gag, and expel them further onto the coffee table.

Hanzo didn’t make any comment on it, just rubbing McCree’s back with one hand while the other rubbed his stomach. “I’m so sick…” McCree whispered, getting a break finally to catch his breath.

“Not feeling any relief?” Hanzo asked him, kissing his temple. “You feel warm.”

“I feel worse…if…urk….hurrrrrrrrrkkkkk.” He dry heaved loudly, gripping the trash can again. Another painful dry heave tore through on the tail of that one, and he spat a little blood in the trash from the strain.

“Bathroom. Perhaps a better angle will help,” Hanzo whispered, getting up and helping him carry the trash can. They were in for a long night.

-Fin

#mchanzo #sickfic #emeto #jesse mccree #hanzo shimada #overwatch #my writing #fanfic #vomiting

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terraclae · 5 years

Note

Honestly, what constitutes a ‘good’ dragon to sell? And what would be fodder? I have no idea how much to sell my dragons at when I’m trying to make a profit rip

Oh man, I'm not really the right person to ask because I don't tend to sell fodder anymore and only once in a blue moon set up breeding pairs for selling. There's also of course that tastes vary from person to person (so if anyone who does sell fodder or runs a hatchery, or just generally knows how to make money on fr wants to add in for anon then that could be super helpful). I'm going to put my own, a bit extensive thoughts under a readmore, and I want to stress at the core of this is that you unfortunately gotta have patience. This is based on what I've experienced in my nearly four years on this site and it's also tips I've picked up from others.

In my case I want to say about any dragon could be fodder? Especially if there's a dom push going on, then the prices can vary between 4k treasure to 10k treasure and some people will actually snag up more expensive dragons if they're already levelled. A good way to start with playing into that is to set up a fodder pair which can be any breed, gene and color combination. It's handy if you can cycle a few pairs with varying breeding cooldowns to upkeep and so you have fairly constant fodder. With this usually comes that most people have a coli team to level this fodder to level 7 if you'll be exalting it yourself, though if you're purely selling then I don't think it's necessary. The long and short is, hatchling fodder is usually sold for around 4k treasure outside of dom and it's preferable to snipe it for less if you plan to train and exalt, adults go for around 7 to 8k treasure outside of dom since people can immediately start training to exalt. There is also that fodder pairs, because they usually spit out wide ranges, will spit out unique dragons that can be very pretty with time and geneing which kind of ties into breeding pairs in a hatchery format.

As for "Good dragons" to sell, I'm also gonna say that can be anything though with here it's worth looking into color schemes that go well together and that are currently hard to find (this used to be abyss/copper/cinnamon with basic/butterfly/glimmer for example) if we're talking about what they look like. It's generally vital that you find the gene combination that best makes those colours pop, even more so if you're working with colours that have a second tint like copper. I've seen people working off one color and gene for a primary or secondary and putting together color combinations that work like that. It obviously also helps if you coordinate the eye color with the color scheme even if the eyes on some dragons are minuscule. Some people are willing to pay or save up higher amounts of gems or treasure for really nice looking dragons (I've sold dragons for 750 gems in the past). It's handy to note down what you will spend on genes if you're going to make one that requires additional geneing. It's the smartest to buy genes when your flight has dom or to search the AH if anyone is selling genes for cheaper. If you need to breed for a new color combination and already have the genes figured out, then try to find dragons with a suitable 2 or 3 off range that have the genes you need, as it'll potentially save money (and disappointment if your pair doesn't sell as well as you. thought it would, this too has happened to me). If you got a Tumblr, probably do an interest check around the point that you have your pair but it might still be ungened to measure if people would actually buy hatchlings from this pair for the price you're aiming for and if they like the idea. I try to calculate what I'll sell a dragon for by way of "money spent on genes + gene/color rarity", and then preferably want to earn back what I spent in one or two nests depending on the pair's breeding cooldown. People are always going to be looking for what's new so it's worth staying on top of new genes releasing and trying to sell them first.

Breeding in general is just really a test of patience and it's best done if you have other activities you do while you're waiting for dragons to sell. I generally try to stockpile food at the start of every month on fr so I can stick all my gathering turns into either digging (for chests) or scavenging (for eggs). Some people are very good at coli farming and I do want to say that it's worth it to train a coli team so you can farm in spare time while doing something else, it's a real pain to level but it does give you small things to sell like swipp materials and bigger and rarer things like eggs, eliminates, genes and apparel.

To round back around to a TLDR, good dragons to sell tend to have well thought out color combinations and can go for anything if they jibe with people, fodder can be about anything, with hatchlings going for 4k treasure and under, and adults going for 7k to 8k treasure because exalt levellers like being able to level right away. Your best friend for pricing your dragons is to check for how much similar dragons go in the AH.

#long post #im sorry this got so wordy anon I hope it helps in some way #asks #anon

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fallingfromdepression · 2 years

Text

this should technically go on my other blog where i discuss/rant abt fandom/media (not my main lol) but i think the vibe matches this personal blog more. anyway as i wrote a few weeks ago, i am starting a new job very soon. this week was the last week of “freedom” and i’ve been wanting to draw almost the entire week but i haven’t. it’s a combo of lack of motivation, lack of confidence in my art prompted by seeing how much better other artists online are, and general malaise.

i’m aware i have a combo of positive and negative feelings abt starting this new job, and recently i’ve been focusing more on the negative aspects. my spiral thus leads to me not really wanting to do anything. combine this w my recent thoughts (again) that me drawing is useless, that my art isn’t good at all and won’t really improve until i do meaningful studies that i don’t really feel like doing. i don’t get why i feel like that about art since i don’t have a job in art nor plan to have one, but i think it’s an inevitable/standard side effect of fandom since i p much have only been drawing fanart for the past few years.

i honestly am hoping shifting my daily hours to focusing on work will improve the neuroses i’ve developed around fandom (particularly shipping but also just in general tbh). i know the obvious solution is to log off or at least stop checking on fandom accounts but since i haven’t had much to do w my time for the past year or so (unemployment tbf) i’ve been hiding in fandom spaces to pass the time. sure in hindsight it’s prob just done nothing past rot my brain but yeah. hopefully w starting work i’ll shift away from fandom and prioritizing it less per se (by this i mean feeling like i SHOULD be drawing fanart, i should be contributing to specific fandoms when i have the free time). i’ve been wanting to pick up another hobby but learning something new feels like it req too much energy and drawing is something that takes “less energy”... ugh but i’ll have to prob pick up a new hobby fr so i can have “normal” things to talk abt w my coworkers (btw the hobbies i’ve been thinking about are crocheting, embroidery, knitting so like they’re still creative things. i mean most hobbies are creative things tho).

my relationship w art/my perception of my art has really deteriorated since... tbh since i joined twitter in late 2019. i mean i’m happy to blame twitter as the main issue but i feel like around that time was when i started questioning what i wanted to do w my art and whether it was worth it to keep investing time in it when i don’t plan to make money from it (lol). i think the 1st reason is valid but the 2nd reason is just... such a capitalist way of thinking. now that i’m thinking on it again, the main reason why i feel like this is bc i do almost no original art... i’ve been working on fanart only since basically 2020 and since i’m not like spending 24/7 drawing or improving my art, my art hasn’t really improved in the past 2 years past me learning how to use my digital art program better. i don’t think fanwork is USELESS, but i feel like it doesn’t match up to original works (original fictional and/or personal stuff).

the main reason i started questioning what i wanted to do w my art was after seeing an artist on IG discuss their desire to continue representing their ethnicity’s culture through their art; me, i was doing no such thing. i was (am still lol) just drawing BL and not really in a meaningful way. the thing is, there ARE parts of my lived experience that i would love to put into art form but still cannot. and i can’t really force it when i’m not ready, but seeing other ppl do it makes me feel like i need to. even though if i try to do it now, i won’t be satisfied w it. but still this concern has stuck w me the past few years and is why i question my continuation in fandom. i wouldn’t consider myself “active” in fandom as i have little to no interest in interacting w other fans online, nor do i post like every day/week -- so it’s not a matter of maintaining clout or friendships. i just question it bc looking at the big picture -- what can a piece of fanart do? it’s not really something i can put in portfolios (i mean you can but at my age it’s kinda lol i feel even if i didn’t go to art school) nor show to irl ppl without needing to unfriend them (i don’t create problematic or questionable works, but it’s just embarrassing irl to admit i’m still in fandom at this age you know). i don’t have the kind of awe-inspiring style that will stick in ppl’s minds and/or make them rethink aspects of the story (also the things i create fanart for... no offense but they’re not really that deep. ppl making them deep are kinda reaching/projecting imo. nothing wrong w that but also be real, keep a clear eye abt the og work). i’m not saying all original work does that, but talking about my lived experience(s) feels more meaningful than drawing fictional characters or shipping. but as i said: i still feel unable to adequately represent my personal experiences. i’ve tried before but i’m not satisfied w what i’ve written or drawn. and so i stick w fandom where i barely exercise much less flex my creative muscles, but at least i’m still drawing.

anyway i quit IG back in 2021 and honestly hope to do the same w twitter. sadly i can’t log off bc i have accounts blocked that i don’t want to see as i am not really mentally moved on yet; but i really do need to reduce the amount of time spent on that site. tumblr is alright for now, but it’s definitely still a time waster and i still do see art that makes me feel bad by comparing myself to them.

but for now i hope i can just take a break from fandom and being online all the time. i just want to like my art again

#diary #personal #bolding stuff to make this easier to read for future me lol

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theopennotebook · 7 years

Text

Skins FanFic

Chapter 6: Hit the Road Jack

Cook and I kept hooking up for a few weeks after the night we all went out, many hot and heavy make-out sessions but never going all the way. But things cooled down pretty quickly and we realized that though we had a great time together, we didn’t want to pursue anything else romantic, we much preferred just enjoying each other’s company as friends. Sure, we had a connection. But I was me and he was… well… Cook. I would always be a bit of a princess, and he would always be brash and crude and abrasive and… well, Cook. He was a lot of fun, but not the kind of guy you introduced to your mom. Plus, he was Freddie’s best friend. And I couldn’t stand being around Freddie.

Seeing Freddie at school over the next few weeks was beyond uncomfortable. At first, Freddie would try to talk to me in the hallways, to which I only ever responded with icy silence. I still couldn’t believe that I had started to fall for such a disgusting human being. It was probably just the drugs distorting my perception. Yet, I still found myself being drawn to him. What was wrong with me?

I was lost in my thoughts at the end of the school day, still in my own little world as I walked home. I barely said a word to my family that evening, I just went through the motions of dinner and homework before heading up to my room to read. What a way to spend a Friday evening.

About an hour after passing out with a book in my hands, I was awoken by the sound of my buzzing cellphone

FR: Maxxieeeeeee

Friday 5:30pm

Pack a bag, we’re going to the cabin for the weekend.

I rubbed my eyes, attempting to orient myself. Afternoon naps always left me groggy.

TO: Maxxieeeeeee

Friday 5:31pm

What?

FR: Maxxieeeeeee

Friday 5:31pm

Jack and Finn’s cabin. Hurry. Jack will be at your place in 20.

TO: Maxxieeeeeee

Friday 5:32pm

Maxxie, I’m already in my “not leaving the house again” clothes. And what am I supposed to tell my parents?

FR: Maxxieeeeeee

Friday 5:33pm

Not my problem. Stop being such a grandma. Figure something out. 17 minutes. See you soon.

I tossed my phone down on my bed, put my bookmark back in Pride and Prejudice and found myself absentmindedly beginning to pack a weekend bag. I tossed in the essentials and even dug out the bag of skittles that were left over from the night we went clubbing. They may come in handy. I slunk downstairs to find my dad sitting in the living room, watching the news.

“Hey, dad?”

“Yes pumpkin?”

“Maxxie and some of our friends are headed to a cabin for the weekend. Can I go?”

“Where is this cabin?” He asked, pulling himself away from a story of a skateboarding dog.

“Not sure, I’ll text you the address. Dad, they’re on their way here… I need an answer.”

“It’s getting late. How are you evening planning on getting there?”

“Jack is coming to pick me up.”

“That’s one of the twins, right?”

“Yes.”

“He seems respectable enough. Alright, have a good weekend. Say hi to Maxine for me. When will you be back?”

“Probably Sunday. Thanks, dad!” I said, placing a kiss on his cheek. I ran out of the living room before he could ask any more questions.

At 5:50pm, I saw Jack’s familiar SUV pull up outside of my house. I grabbed my backpack, camping gear and the bag of snacks I had thrown together and slipped out of the house. Jack sat in the driver’s seat, the back-seat empty. Jack hopped out to help me toss my stuff in the trunk.

“Where is everybody?” I asked.

“Don’t worry, I’m not kidnapping you. You’re just the first one on my pick-up list.” He said flashing a debonair smile.

“Where’re Finn and Maxxie?” I asked, climbing into the passenger seat.

“Maxxie is driving herself and Finn took our other car. We wouldn’t all fit in one car.”

“Oh.”

“Don’t sound so disappointed to be alone with me.” Jack teased, starting the car.

I stuck my tongue out at him playfully.

“I’m trembling in my seat.” He teased.

I smiled back at him. The skin around his eyes crinkled when he laughed, and his green eyes glinted in the sunlight.

“What?” He asked, taking a few stray locks of my hair in between his fingers.

“Nothing…” Still smiling, I turned to stare out of the window instead.

After a few moments of silence, I remembered what Cook had told me about Jack. I wasn’t sure when I was ever going to get him alone again, so I decided that this would be the best time to clear the air.

“I know what happened between you and Cook’s girlfriend, Jack…”

“What?” He took his eyes off the road for only a second, but his face flushed. “What are you talking about?”

“Cook told me,” I said, not taking my eyes off of him. I studied his response. I saw the muscles around his jaw tense and release. He let out a long exhale.

“Okay.” He signaled and pulled into a gas station parking lot.

He turned off the engine.

“I had been hoping to avoid having this conversation with you, but if it has to happen, I want to make sure to give you my full attention.”

“I’m listening.”

“Okay. Me, Finn, and Cook were really close. The three of us had been friends since primary school. Cook’s mum was and Finn and my piano teacher as a kid. We ended up spending more time playing with her son than practicing the piano. The three of us were inseparable. Then about two years ago, Cook met Eden and they started dating. I’d seen Cook with a lot of girls, but this was the first time I saw him do the whole ‘boyfriend’ thing. He dove in head first, like he would have given her his left kidney if she had asked him to. But we could all tell that she wasn’t as invested as he was. She was a lot like Effie - very free-spirited, rebellious - except Eden had a mean streak and a penchant for vodka and pills. She would use Cook for his money and then blame him for her shortcomings.” Jack looked over at me to make sure I was still following.

“Anyway, after two months or so they started fighting like cats and dogs. At first, it was just playful bickering, but by the 8-month mark, we all thought they may actually kill each other. We all told Cook to end it with her, for his own sanity. One day, Eden shows up at my apartment while Finn was at work. She was a mess, she had clearly been on a bender. I let her in and asked her what was wrong. She told me that she and Cook had gotten into their biggest fight yet and that it was over between them. She had been staying at his place at the time because she and her mum didn’t get on well, mostly because of Eden’s rage and the substance abuse. I invited her in to collect herself. She went into my room, said she needed a nap. I went into the kitchen to make her something to eat.” He paused and wiped his hands over his face. I could see him growing more anxious.

“Jack… what happened next?”

He looked at me, his eyes begging me not to make him go on. But I needed to know, I needed to hear it from him.

He exhaled. “When I went back into my room, Eden was lying on my bed… naked… I was in shock. I just stood there in the doorway holding a grilled cheese like a pansy. She slowly made her way over to me. I asked her what she was doing, and she backed me up against the doorframe. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to touch her… I knew I couldn’t. But then she undid my pants and began to pull them down… I… I…” He let his head fall into his hands.

“Did you sleep with her?” I interjected.

“No! Is that what Cook told you?!” He looked horrified by my accusation. “The only thing that happened is that she tried to give me head and I pushed her off! She was embarrassed so I tried to downplay the situation. I gave her a shirt to put on and went back to the kitchen. Eden was a bit messed up, you know? I didn’t want to set her off. Anyway, I heard the buzzer ring, but before I could answer it, Eden ran to the door. I heard Cook explode and ran out to try to diffuse the situation, which of course only made it worse. He accused me of sleeping with her, which I adamantly denied. Eden didn’t say anything, she just stood in the corner of the hallway smirking like she had planned it all along. Ever since then, he’s wanted me dead. But I swear to you, I didn’t do anything with Eden. I wouldn’t do that. Especially not to Cook. He was like another brother to me. Zye, I swear to you. That’s what happened.”

I searched his face for any sign that he may be lying, but everything he said seemed sincere. His eyes were wrought with grief, I had clearly hit a nerve.

“Did you ever try to reach out to Cook? Tell him what happened?”

“Every day for 6 months. By the end, he told me that if I ever spoke to him again, he would jam his fist so far down my throat that he’d pull my balls out through my mouth… I took that as a hint to leave him alone.”

A heavy silence fell over the car.

“Is that why you’ve been avoiding me, Zye?”

I shifted in my seat uncomfortably. “Well…”

“I mean… I get it… if I heard that about someone, I wouldn’t want to hang around them either.”

“I’m sorry Jack…” I placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Are we alright now though? You don’t think I’m some low life woman stealer? Am I back to being the ridiculously good-looking guy you know and love?”

“We’re fine now Jack.” I smiled sincerely. I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Between finding out that Jack stole Cook’s girlfriend and that Freddie was such a creep, I didn’t know how much more I could handle.

Jack nodded and started the car.

“Hey, Jack?”

“Yes?”

“Whatever happened to Eden?”

“I went to her house a few days after things blew up with Cook to try to get her to explain to him what had happened. Her mom answered the door saying that Eden had transferred to an all-girls boarding school four hours away. She seemed surprised that I didn’t know, apparently, they had been planning it for months. She hadn’t even bothered to tell any of us she was leaving. I wouldn’t be surprised if she planned the whole mess as a means of leaving her mark on us. Typical Eden.”

I noticed his hand lingering on the gear shift. I placed mine over his.

“I’m sorry about you and Cook. I’ll see if there’s any way I can help.”

He smiled warmly at me. “Thank you.”

Before long we had picked up Cook and Effie. Initially, I felt uneasy around Effie. After all, she had seen me almost kiss her sort-of boyfriend. If she and Cook were anything alike, it meant she may be holding a grudge against me. But, to my surprise, she and I fell into easy and comfortable conversation and before I knew it we were on our way to the cabin.

---

When they said we were coming to a “cabin”, I pictured a homely wooden structure, hidden amongst the trees. What I saw in front of me as we drove up was a sprawling, modern, angular structure nestled into the rolling hills of the countryside. As we drove around the side into the driveway, I had a full view of the dock and the lake just as the sun was setting over it. I jumped out of the car as it stopped to take it all in. It was absolutely breathtaking.

“Earth to Zye!” I heard Jack call from the porch.

I snapped out of my reverie and turned to help Cook and Effie empty the trunk.

Jack showed me to the room I’d be sharing with Maxxie.

“Will you be okay in here?” He asked, leaning against the doorframe.

“I think it will do quite nicely!” I said flinging myself dramatically onto the best nearest the bay window. Jack rested my things on the floor beside the bed and helped me up.

Jack headed down the hall to his own room while I began to make my way downstairs.

I ran down the stairs so quickly that my socks slipped on the hardwood floor. I felt myself beginning to fall and then being grabbed out of midair. I felt strong hands grab my waist and set me back on solid ground. It was Freddie.

“Are you alright?” He asked gently as I turned to face him, his hands still around my waist, his eyes with a glint of playfulness in them.

A sudden memory of his body pressed against mine in the dark, humid club flashing through my mind. As I stood only inches away from him, I felt the same burning desire in the pit of my stomach that I felt before. My hand traced its way up his arm again my better judgement. I shook away the memory and commanded my mind back to the present.

“I’m glad I bumped into you actually, Zye. I’ve been meaning to talk to you…”

“Thank you for catching me. I have to go.” I said curtly, pulling myself from his hands.

“Oh, right. Of course.” He said, awkwardly running his hands through his hair. Oh, how I wanted to run my fingers through that hair, gripping it as he placed hungry kisses on my collarbone and nibbled on my earlobe… I shook away the thought.

“Just be careful, wouldn’t want you to fall.” He said with a faint smile.

I turned and ran down the rest of the stairs, this time being sure to hold the railing. I walked into the living room where Cook was tending to the roaring fire. Looks like I would be going 2 for 2 today. This was just the opportunity I needed to try to get him to make up with Jack and I wasn’t going to waste it.

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flowerconcept-blog · 7 years

Note

Hi! Can I request a thug/gang Jung Taekwoon AU? Thank you 💓

here u go angel!!! hope this is ok!!! i also incorporated @mamamochi‘s req for secret flowers, it is a really small part of this but i hope that’s alright! 🌸💐🌹🌺🌷

gang!leo

taekwoon is the right hand man in the gang, but honestly he’s even more scary than the leader hakyeon. because at least hakyeon smiles……….. taekwoon does not smile. ever. at least not in public

when the gang started out it was really about money because they needed money but once it picked up taekwoon kinda fell into the role and became a lot stonier whereas hakyeon and jaehwan (the other main man) stayed mostly the same

he’s only ever seen wearing black and usually wears a white face mask and has dark circles from not sleeping well everyone (who isn’t vixx) in the gang is petrified of him, it’s been said that once a rival gang member heard the name “jung taekwoon” and that was all it took to get info out of them

hyuk is still sort of scared of him. he pretends that he’s over it but one time taekwoon tapped hyuk’s shoulder and he shrieked

his role in the gang is a lot of planning w/ hakyeon but he’s also really strong and tall and yknow terrifying so he’s been known to interrogate rivals and also sometimes do some physical damage to them

but you don’t know any of this!!! you only know the jung taekwoon who comes into your bakery with his niece and sister once every couple of weeks

because taekwoon may be a big scary gang member but he loves his family and he especially loves his little niece minyul, so he and his sister and niece spend a lot of time together and it just so happens that you run a bakery right by his sister’s apartment and minyul loves it

and he doesn’t talk to you other than ordering their food but you’ve sort of been entranced by this mysterious man since he first came in

because at first….. he looks scary, in his steel toed boots and heavy black wool coat and dark eyes, but when he talks to minyul (you know her and her mom because they’re regulars) his face gets soft and it’s like his whole persona shifts

and you can’t help but think that it would be nice to be on the receiving end of that sweet stare, plus it doesn’t help that he’s so handsome and has such a nice voice and carries himself like a prince

you feel silly, but whenever he comes in your heart picks up a little….. you tell yourself that it’s not like he knows so who cares

but he knows!!! because he has to notice when people are staring at him he can’t miss that sort of thing, it might get him killed

at first taekwoon is pretty sure that you’re a rival spy and are undercover to kill him because why else would you be staring like that??? but when he tells hakyeon about it hakyeon is like, “idk why they must be crazy but it sounds like they think you’re cute”

taekwoon is like: sounds fake but ok

but over time he picks up on things, like you always fumble with the plates when you clean them up from one of the tables and your hair usually has a bit of flour in it and either you’re really good at pretending to be a klutz or you’re actually a klutz, and a klutz would not make a good spy

it’s not like he’s watching u though……. he just…….. has to make sure you aren’t trying to kill him (hakyeon somewhere is laughing at this dummy)

one night you’re walking home from work and you hear footsteps behind you and at first you don’t think anything of it, but it’s been three blocks and the footsteps keep getting closer and you’re starting to get nervous

it happens in a split second but suddenly a hand is around your mouth and pulling you into an alley and at the same time you see taekwoon coming out of an apartment building from across the street(he was visiting his sister) and before the creep who pulled you into the alley could even take a breath ……..

u thought taekwoon was gonna be ur knight in shining armor???? sike, you took self defense classes for a reason!!!!! you bite down hard on the creep’s hand and bash the back of your head into his face as hard as you can

by the time taekwoon arrives the dude is cradling his bloody nose and looks like he’s about to grab you before you can pull pepper spray out of your bag

but then taekwoon steps in and decks him in the face and he literally

knocks him out with one hit???? and you’re like ???????????? before he looks at you and instinctively you’re like “i could’ve taken him”

and taekwoon is looking at you like you’ve grown a second head, here he thought you were just a klutz but it turns out you’re a klutz who can break a man’s nose?????

before he can say something you stumble a little bit and ur like hey should the world be spinning???????????can i sleep here?????

taekwoon’s like……….. no you probably have a concussion

hakyeon had told him he had to go pick up jaehwan but looking at you he knows that there’s no way he’s willing to leave you like this (because you remind him of a drugged puppy or something…. not because he thinks you’re cute and wants to take care of you…….)

so he mumbles “come on” and takes your hand (if you weren’t yknow just concussed you would pull away immediately but as is….. it’s happening) and brings you to where his car is and fastens your seat belt and is like. ok please stay awake i’m taking you to the hospital

but you already look like you’re dozing off so taekwoon has to fr*cking talk to you the whole 20 minute drive to the hospital to keep you awake, and if it was anyone else it would be the worst but your sweet little “mhms” to his stories about minyul make it slightly okay

but he would rather DIE than admit that

so you get to the ER and for some reason he gives the staff a fake name and waits by your bed until the doctor comes and runs some tests and is like “looks like it’s a very minor concussion, your s/o will be fine!!!!” and taekwoon is like … they’re not…… but the doctor has already dipped

he tries to get your address out of you but you’re practically asleep at this point and since the doctor said it was okay for you to sleep taekwoon is like fml guess i’ll take them home

when taekwoon walks into the big fancy apartment he shares with hakyeon with you clinging to his back (you refused to wake up and he had to CARRY you inside) hakyeon’s like …… literally wtf

taekwoon just sighs and puts you on the couch then brings out a blanket for you

because like…….. ur cute but ur not cute enough to get his bed……….

you do this thing …. where he tucks you in and is going to leave but your hand curls into taekwoon’s shirt trying to pull him closer and his heart STOPS and he blushes but he just gently gets you off of him and heads to bed because its like 1am at this point

he explains the deal to hakyeon first tho because otherwise he would get murdered

hakyeon is not amused ™ at first but when you wake up in the morning confused as hell he offers you breakfast

and honestly he finds it sorta cute because he’s never seen taekwoon blush before and it’d probably be good for the guy to date, maybe people will stop thinking he’s a psychopath

anyways when taekwoon wakes up and ur like um thank you so much for everything but also i gotta go home i called an uber he’s like…… give me ur phone

and u do because why not and he puts his number in and is like. text me when you get home and has to resist the urge to kiss you when you stammer and duck your head to hide your blush

it takes taekwoon like a whole month to work up the nerve to ask you on a real date (when it takes him .0001 seconds to get info out of a rival???) but during that month he like….. secretly sends you roses at your work labelled “from your admirer” and texts you every day asking if you’ve eaten and how you’re feeling and you’re practically head over heels by the time he asks you out to dinner

he takes you to a super fancy restaurant and when u see him in his fancy outfit (black blazer black fitted shirt tie black slacks) u……. gape and he’s like “what?????” and ur like “NOTHING”

he kisses you after seeing you to your apartment and you highkey invite him in but he just smirks and goes “next time”

(next time he does take you up on the offer)

there’s a month of honeymoon bliss and taekwoon is literally the perfect boyfriend except he has to leave at weird hours and sometimes he picks up your calls and is extremely cryptic and also what is his job???? and also why had he given a fake name at the hospital?????? and part of you knows something is up but you aren’t about to ask because you’ve fallen in love with him and as long as he isn’t getting hurt that’s okay

until one day he comes to your apartment with a black eye and split lip and you’re like. ok i have ignored weird things so far but That’s Enough What the Hell is Going On

taekwoon’s first instinct is to get angry but he’s also in love with you so he swallows that down and runs a hand through his hair and is like……………………… i’m in a gang…….

a long long long argument/conversation ensues and it ends with both of you tearfully confessing your love and he kisses you so so so softly and keeps murmuring he’s sorry until you finally fall asleep all tangled up in his arms

after you find out your dynamic is much different, you insist that he tells you what he’s doing when he’s able to and that he’s honest with you and you also insist that he does his best to avoid being hurt and to avoid hurting others

when he does come home hurt you kiss his bruises and bandage him up and he softly sings you to sleep so you don’t get upset

he pretty naturally starts to stay over at your place rather than his because you don’t have a roommate and also that way he gets to sleep with you engulfed in his arms

all of his closest friends know you and hakyeon likes to tease taekwoon for the way he goes soft for you but they’re all really grateful because you bring out the kind side of him that they worried was going to disappear

taekwoon in all black and you in a breezy white sundress at the beach: aesthetic

minyul calls you auntie!!! and whenever taekwoon sees the two of you interacting he thinks of raising a child with you and when he tells you that the first time you cry

he doesn’t pda much but he likes to hold your hand to remind himself that you’re there, and in private he always wants to have some contact with you, even if it’s just his hand in your hair, to know that you’re real and haven’t left him

eventually, a couple years after you meet, he leaves the gang and proposes to you and the two of you settle down to start a family and are incredibly domestic and love each other with your whole hearts

#vixx scenarios #vixx imagines #leo scenario #leo scenarios #leo imagines #taekwoon scenarios #jung!taek!woon!#i think im gonna reply to asks w/ the scenario to make things cleaner!!! hope u guys like it #💌

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thislittlekumquat · 7 years

Text

Wait, did you already talk about this?

An Akoya/Io/Ryuu fic in which the pink ones force Io to think about them. Also they’re all very gay and happy to be together again. Set right after Conquest Club’s permanent return from Europe.

I’d like to thank my co-conspirator and beta @lululeighsworld for helping me and inspiring this nonsense!

Read the whole thing under the cut, or read it on ao3!

Io closed the front door to his parents’ house behind them and fumbled for the light. As they walked through the hall and into the main living space, Io flipping lights on as they went, Akoya’s expression went from curiosity to surprise.

“Your house is definitely bigger than I thought it’d be.”

Ryuu slung an arm around Io’s shoulders and grinned. “He’s not Mister Money for nothing. His parents are already loaded. He just plays for bonus points. But that’s why they’re never around. Business trips and shit, you know?”

Io rolled his eyes and as Ryuu’s arm dropped, he left them to go into the kitchen. Ryuu stayed with Akoya, who was snooping, looking at the sparsely-filled bookshelves surrounding the television set. He was thinking how it was exactly what he would have expected of the people who raised Io. They had almost nothing but a bland, pristine set of special edition classic novels on their shelves. Ryuu bumped their shoulders together.

“What do you want to eat? Your welcome home party, your choice.”

Akoya considered it. He frankly didn’t care what they ate – he was practically shaking with how excited he was to be home from studying abroad and back with the two people who in the months before he’d gone away had become dearer to him than he ever would have expected. So he shrugged and grinned and said, “Curry. I want to send a picture to Kin to let him know that I’m finally free of his company for a few hours.”

Ryuu laughed. “Perfect. Coming right up.”

Io meanwhile was rooting around in the fridge, trying to find drinks and some sort of snack. Akoya had followed Ryuu into the kitchen, and he snuck up beside Io, bending over as well and putting their shoulders together. Io jumped a little at his sudden appearance, and turned to blink at him.

“What would you like?”

Akoya reached into the fridge, purposefully pressing their sides together, to pull out some drinks. Io pursed his lips at the gesture but helped him just the same.

Ryuu had by then tied his hair back and was already heating pots to get to work. He was familiar with Io’s kitchen, and he shooed them out of the way to start getting out the food that he and Io had bought the day before in anticipation of having Akoya over.

They spent the evening comfortably exchanging stories both of adventures abroad and misadventures at home fighting ridiculous monsters. There hadn’t been much time after they’d finished dealing once and for all with the Beppu brothers before the student council had reluctantly returned to Europe to finish their courses. This was the first chance, therefore, that the three second-years had had time to spend by themselves without the rest of their friends.

Ryuu had a good time gently playing footsie with both of them, and they all swapped compliments and playful insults equally. Akoya marveled at how relaxing it was to be back here with them, after months of only video chatting, at best (and not often).

As they finished eating and lingered at the table, still chatting, Akoya noticed that Ryuu’s hand had wandered towards Io’s on the table. Their pinkies were brushing ever so slightly, but it was noticeable enough that Akoya’s stomach dropped mid-laugh, and his audible mirth sputtered awkwardly.

“Are you okay?” Io was looking at him with concern, and Ryuu’s hand had left the table as he leaned forward to pour more water into Akoya’s glass, thinking that he’d choked on something.

Akoya should not have been so affected by that small sight – he and Ryuu had talked about this, damn it – but it still got to him. He feigned coughing a bit, and took an indelicate swallow of water, waving his hand dismissively the whole time.

“I’m fine, I’m fine. Are you two both done eating? Should we watch a movie or something?”

Io immediately reached for some dishes. “Sure, let me just clean this stuff up. You two go pick something, I’ll be in there in a few minutes.”

Ryuu’s foot nudged Akoya’s under the table and he grinned silently at him, wiggling his eyebrows. Akoya’s briefly soured mood lifted and he managed a genuine grin back. They all but tiptoed into the other room and immediately burst into conspiratorial whispers.

“Horror?”

“For sure. You know where he keeps the blankets?”

“I scoped the whole place out the last time I was here and already know the best ones.”

Akoya squeezed Ryuu’s hand in delight. “Good job.” He wondered briefly if seeing their hands together would make Io’s stomach plummet. Like his had earlier. He mentally shook himself. The entire point of this plan he’d made with Ryuu was to avoid this sort of issue.

Ryuu squeezed his hand back. “One of us on each side, right?”

Akoya nodded. Ryuu smiled warmly at him and turned to start up the television.

When Io joined them about fifteen minutes later, they were sitting on opposite ends of the couch, the movie poised to play, Ryuu holding a blanket in his lap.

“Cold?” Io asked as he sat in the middle of the couch.

Immediately, the other two scooched to join him in the center and Ryuu gave one end of the blanket to Akoya, who helped him tuck them all into a giant cocoon.

Io had gone stiff as they settled in on either side, pressing close, arms winding around Io’s where they rested at his sides. They were each so excited about the success of this stage of the plan that at first they didn’t notice how tense he was. But half an hour into the movie, they had already shared a couple of worried glances around the front of him – they’d both noticed that he seemed entirely uncomfortable. So Akoya paused the movie and they both looked at him.

“Are you okay?” Ryuu asked.

Io blinked. “Yes? Uh. Why?”

“You seem tense,” Akoya said.

Io chewed on his lip a little. “I guess… I’m just not used to. To this?”

“What, cuddling?”

Akoya himself was almost tense about the use of that word that so plainly unmasked their intentions. He and Ryuu had planned to work towards this topic somehow, and he almost felt like this was too soon. But Ryuu knew Io better than he did, he had to admit. So he held his breath and waited for a reply.

Io had a vaguely strangled look on his face. “Is that what this is?”

Ryuu snorted. “Yes, you idiot.”

“But… But why?”

“Because we care about you.” Akoya wanted to make it clear that he was in on this too. He wasn’t going to be outdone by Ryuu. “We just want to be close.”

Ryuu nodded and reached out to Akoya, who read his intentions and took his hand. They rested their linked hands in Io’s lap. He stared down at them dumbly. After a moment, he spoke.

“Is this… romantic? Or. Friendly? Or?” He seemed more confused than he should have been.

“Well. We have discussed how it would be nice to kiss you.”

“But only if you’re into that of course.”

“Have you talked – did you plan this?” Io looked almost mortified.

They had the humility to look abashed.

“Well. A bit.”

Io closed his eyes and took a deep breath. There was another long pause. He seemed to be choosing his words carefully when he finally spoke, under the pressure of the other two looking at him expectantly.

“I don’t think saying I’m opposed is exactly right, but I also can’t say that I’ve ever really thought about this sort of thing before right now. But I just don’t understand. There’s – well, there’s two of you. I mean, I care about you both, but you’re both okay with… with what? Some sort of weird three person situation?”

There were nods from both sides of him, and their hands remained clasped in front of him.

“I may have told Ryuu confidentially that I was dreaming of kissing you. I also may have been a little tipsy – Italian wine is good stuff and Kin and Arima are lightweights. I was bored and lonely and –“

“- and I was also bored, because you, Io, wouldn’t hang out with me because you actually give a shit about your grades.” Ryuu squeezed Akoya’s hand and bumped it against Io’s thigh lightly to reassure them both. He continued, “I’ll admit, I was kind of panicky when he told me, because like, I felt the same. But I didn’t want to be an asshole about it, you know. And I figured out pretty quickly that he was drunk-“

“-tipsy!”

“-tipsy,” Ryuu rolled his eyes and shook his head and laughed, “-and so I told him that I felt the same, instead of hiding it. And surprisingly, we just talked about you instead of how clearly there was going to be an issue down the road with both of us having crushes on you. But it was nice.”

“And then the next morning I looked at the conversation again when I was more myself-“

“So not drunk.”

“-and not TIPSY. And I had an idea.”

“Really, he just realized that instead of having one person to kiss, he might be able to bag two.”

“Ryuu! You make it sound so uncouth. I like you both, I swear.” Ryuu puffed his chest out a little as if preening, obviously pleased with himself that he was as good of a catch as Io. Akoya huffed and reached across Io to prod Ryuu in the forehead, and his victim just laughed.

“So anyways, Akoya texted me again at like ass o’clock in the morning proposing that the three of us just be a… unit? Rather than some terrible type of competition centered around you.”

“But the big problem was really that we didn’t know how you felt. So we decided to try the subtle approach first because Ryuu said you were probably clueless and would be surprised. But then he went and dropped the secret before we even watched an entire movie.” He glared at Ryuu.

Ryuu for his part just shrugged. “Io seemed weirded out. It’s fine.”

“Yeah, fine for you because you told him this started while I was drunk.”

“I mean you kind of were. Even I could tell by your shitty spelling.”

“Okay, so it was a little-“

Io put his hands over theirs in front of him. They both paused and looked at him instead of each other. He was staring at all of their hands in a close bundle on his lap.

“So let me get this straight,” he began slowly. “You two both like me in a romantic way. And have talked about this fact with each other. And have decided to, what? Share me?” He looked back and forth between them as if still not sure he understood.

“I mean, basically,” Ryuu said.

“But we enjoy each other’s company and affection, too,” Akoya added, “and we may have a slightly different relationship, but we want to all be together. All three of us. Like we are now. And like we were before I went away.”

“But we mostly want to know how you feel, Io.” Ryuu lifted a finger from clasping Akoya’s hand to rub his knuckle on Io’s palm as it covered their hands.

Io had gone back to staring at his lap. After what seemed like the longest pause yet, he spoke slowly yet firmly.

“If I’m being honest with you, I don’t really know. I mean obviously I care about you both a lot, and I guess I’m flattered that you both think so highly of me. To put it one way. Though knowing you two, you have some other plans that you haven’t told me about yet.”

Suddenly all the tension left his body and he leaned back with a sigh.

“Alright. I don’t exactly know what I think, because I’ve never stopped to think about it at all. But I am immensely glad that you both still want to spend time with me, and at the same time as each other, too. So could I maybe postpone returning your feelings? Or, whatever? And we can just continue as we are? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to disappoint, but I don’t want to lie, or mislead. I just-“

With seemingly the same mind, they both leaned into him and planted small kisses on both of his cheeks. They were rewarded for their telepathy with the delightful sight of Io sharply inhaling and turning a magnificent shade of scarlet. Both laughed quietly under their breaths, trying to stifle their amusement so as to not absolutely make Io miserable. He was clearly delicate in some ways.

“L-let’s just watch the movie,” he stammered. “I very clearly see why you chose horror. I know neither of you is bothered by this stuff, you just wanted the hint of an excuse to cozy up to me. Who came up with this harebrained scheme?” He seemed to be pouting, and was still quite pink, but obviously wasn’t truly upset. They both laughed at him again.

“That’s fine. We can even change the movie if you want,” answered Akoya, declining to tell Io that it had been his idea.

“Thank you for talking with us,” Ryuu said, before Akoya could quite hit play again.

Io had mostly relaxed. He still obviously wasn’t sure how to take his two closest friends being so literally close. But he spoke earnestly. “It’s fine. Thank you for telling me how you feel. I am, well, touched. Really I am. I’m sorry I ca-“

“Io, it’s fine. Stop apologizing. Honestly, we’re sorry for springing it on you so suddenly.”

“We’re just glad that you still want to even associate with us.”

Io snorted. “Well I wouldn’t say I want to associate with you. I would just feel bad abandoning you to your otherwise unfulfilling social lives.”

Akoya sniffed in mock offense, and drew back dramatically, while Ryuu said, “Hey!”

Before Io knew what was happening, there was a pillow in his face and a pair of hands were at his side, wiggling fingers drawing helpless cry-laughing from him.

“Oh, Akoya, he’s definitely ticklish.”

“I told you, you owe me a latte.”

“You – hah, no, stop – stop!” Io took Ryuu’s wrists and forced his hands apart. Breathlessly, he said, “You two were betting on whether I was ticklish?”

Ryuu grinned shamelessly at him. “We also betted on whether or not you like to have your neck kissed.”

“And whether or not you make nice noises if you get a good back rub,” Akoya added.

“And whether-“

“Okay, that’s enough! I get it, you two are devious and also your minds are halfway to the gutter. And since there’s two of you betting on either-or questions, I clearly can’t prove you both wrong.” He sighed and let go of Ryuu’s wrists. “I have this sneaking suspicion that you two are going to team up on me a lot.”

They both feigned innocence.

“No, not at all.”

“Talking privately was just a thing this one time.”

Io made an unconvinced noise, shrugged, and without warning, put an arm around each of their shoulders. Drawing them close, he addressed Akoya.

“We missed you.”

Ryuu reached out and brushed a strand of hair behind Akoya’s ear. “We really did. We said it almost every day to each other.”

Now it was Akoya’s turn to look flustered. He colored delicately and his eyes looked a little damp.

“I missed you both terribly as well,” he said, and buried his face in Ryuu’s chest as his arms drew them closer.

And they were content to stay like that for a few moments. Ryuu stroked Akoya’s hair, and Akoya’s hand was resting around the small of Io’s back gently. Io rested his head on Ryuu’s shoulder and still had an arm around each of them. The clock ticked on the wall and Io was dimly aware that he was half asleep. He felt warm and happy. Surprisingly. He never would have guessed he could enjoy physical contact so much. It was simple and fulfilling.

Suddenly the television screen flashed and the streaming service started playing the preview of the movie again - they’d left it paused too long, and it had gone back to a menu screen. A shrill scream played and the sound of jaws slavering filled the surround sound speakers. Akoya jerked and flew back, narrowly avoiding smashing Ryuu’s chin with the top of his head. Ryuu laughed, and Akoya after a moment of wide-eyed panic glared at him.

“I’m sorry, Akoya, your face was priceless.” He looked at Io who was struggling to keep a straight face. “See, Io thinks so too.”

Akoya turned his glare on Io, and Io held his hands up, trying to look innocent. “Not at all. I’m just upset that the noise woke you up. It was peaceful before that.”

Suspicion and the feeling that he was being wooed warred in Akoya’s mind, and he settled on outwardly harrumphing and reaching out to take Ryuu in a headlock playfully. “I believe you, Io, but Ryuu still needs to learn some manners.” He dug his fist into the top of Ryuu’s head.

“Hey- hey!!! You’re gonna ruin my hair!”

“Your hair’s not as good as mine anyways, it doesn’t matter.”

“Why you-” Ryuu leaned into Akoya suddenly, surprising him, and slipped free. They then grappled, hands locked together. Their elbows were a hazard to Io, who was caught in the middle.

“Okay, okay, you two. You- ow!”

They froze. He had a hand over one eye.

“Oh my god, Io, are you okay?”

“Shit, sorry, let us see it.”

Io’s hand came off his face and he grinned at them, completely unharmed. “Gotcha.”

They were both indignant.

“You dirty rotten-”

“How could you-”

And they both practically dove for his sides.

“No, wait, don’t-” But it was too late, they were bent on exacting their revenge by tickling him within an inch of his life. In the end, they wound up in a pile of giggles, Io with tears streaming from his eyes and the other two with pleased expressions of triumph on their faces. They were calm again after a few breathless moments. The clock chimed one in the morning. Io attempted to move and the other two tried to stop him.

“Let’s just lay here,” Akoya said.

“Don’t you want to sleep in a less unnatural position?” They were both on top of Io. Ryuu was practically falling off the couch, and Io had become aware of how close they were now that there were more than just a few points of gentle contact between them.

“Sure,” Ryuu said. “I know where the extra bedding is, we can move this coffee table and then there’s lots of room on the floor for all three of us.”

Io frowned. “I have guest beds, you know.”

“Yeah, but not any that would be comfortable for three people.”

Io pursed his lips. “That’s a lot to ask.”

“I know, that’s why we’ll make a nest on the floor.”

Io closed his eyes for a moment and when he opened them he was looking to the side, away from them. “That’s not what I meant.”

Akoya brushed some stray hair behind Io’s ear. “Please? It would make me - us - happy.”

Io still wasn’t making eye contact. “I’ll… sleep in this room with you. On the couch. Right nearby. But you have to get off of me first.”

The other two shared a brief glance and gently got off of him, Akoya sitting up gracefully and Ryuu rolling off the edge of the couch to land lightly on hands and knees like a cat. They went to a hall closet to fetch the bedding while Io got up and turned off the television.

Ryuu and Akoya dumped pillows and comforters on the floor, and Ryuu pushed the coffee table against the wall. He turned, and Io was already putting a blanket and pillow on the couch.

“Io,” he said softly, with a voice that spoke volumes.

Io’s shoulders hunched guiltily and he looked up at them. “I… I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I mean. Maybe I am, but. I don’t know.” He looked lost. Ryuu sighed.

“We just want to sleep.” He and Io looked at each other for a moment, silently. Then Ryuu spoke again. “I guess that’s fine. But you have to stay in this room with us like you said, okay?”

Io looked relieved and slightly ashamed but nodded.

Ryuu rolled his eyes and set to building his so-called nest with Akoya. Before they settled in together, they demanded that Io lend them pajamas. Ryuu had specifically neglected to bring any, and had only told Akoya that they were spending the night on their way there. Io just sighed and went to his room to get some spare sweatpants and sleep shirts. Ryuu swam in them slightly, and the pants were too short for Akoya’s long legs, but they were both delighted when they came out from behind closed doors wearing their borrowed clothes.

And then finally they were all settling down, Io on the couch and the other two on the floor. Ryuu put an arm under Akoya’s head and nuzzled into his hair, and Akoya had taken Io’s hand gently where he had let it dangle off the couch. Io looked mystified as he did so, and he hid as much of his face as possible in his pillow but said nothing and gently squeezed Akoya’s hand.

Io felt warm and happy again, despite the anxiety he had been feeling in the periphery of his consciousness all evening since they’d confessed to him. He knew this was a good thing, and he knew he loved them in some way or another, very much. But this realization was new and he was clueless. Despite his misgivings, he slowly drifted off, and felt close to sleep when suddenly he realized that the other two were whispering to one another. He heard his name and was suddenly awake again.

“What?” he asked. They both looked up at him.

“Oh, nothing.”

They went back to whispering, at a perfect pitch that let Io catch important, tantalizing words, but no full thoughts.

“Really, you two?”

In the dark, he could see the white of their teeth as they grinned at him. “Sorry, these whispers are for the floor party only.”

Io frowned. “You’re trying to bait me. You’re not subtle.”

Ryuu wrapped his arm around Akoya and Akoya’s and Io’s still-clasped hands were jostled.

“Maybe,” he said, “but subtlety can be overrated.”

Akoya was tugging gently on Io’s hand, fingers curled around his palm. His hand was warm in Io’s, and it already felt familiar, as if it wasn’t the first time in his life he’d held hands with him. They were both looking at him. Moonlight coming in through a gap in the curtains fell upon their faces and hair, illuminating them with a soft light that made the entire tableau of comfort and warmth and love look too tantalizing to bear. Io felt himself inhale, and he felt as if he didn’t exhale until he was on the floor and they were smiling softly as they gathered him into their arms.

And the moonlight continued to shine in, the beam of gentle light drawing a path across the bundle of limbs and soft breaths and shining hair until it left them in quiet, calm darkness.

#binan chikyuu boueibu love #boueibu #gero akoya #naruko io #zaou ryuu #the peanut gallery #the true ot3 #my shit #my fic #my stuff #my writing #I need a better tag lmfao #I made an ao3 specifically for this fic please deposit me in the trash

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kmackenz · 6 years

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I’m ab to blog the fuck out of my feelings bc it’s not like I know anyone who follows this shit anyways. And I heard blogging can help so... A year ago on February 12th I started seeing a girl. The first girl i’d ever tried to carry out a relationship with. I knew nothing ab my sexuality I was confused as fuck so for me, it started off somewhat experimental. But within like a week of talking to this girl, I couldn’t put my freakin phone down. I thought about her all the time, I was so excited. We met when I went to ATL for a concert, I had my location for tinder on so I was able to pick her up from Athens, GA. This girl was crazy for me because she was so opposite. She loved country music and had loving protective parents, she grew up in a traditional Christian home. I didn’t have any of that, I liked rap and pretty much all music except country(surprise was that I grew up with a country ass daddy and loved country music but when he died I didn’t like it as much), I had parents who chose drugs over me and God was not on my radar. That’s a whole different story though.

I loved everything ab her tho. Even her name.... I thought Rachel was the most beautiful name. She was so gorgeous and I couldn’t ever believe she actually went for me. We had such a fire connection it was crazy. We would stay up all night because we didn’t wanna stop talking. We had so much to catch eachother up on yet it felt like we had known eachother forever. What we shared was literally the definition of soulmate. I drove out to see her as much as I could, almost every weekend. Every time I saw her it was like a child seeing their favorite Disney character or something I mean I was so fucking excited dude it was crazy, I would be jittery the whole drive there and when I’d get in the car it was like I hadn’t been home in years and I was finally home. Don’t even get me started on the chemistry dude we were so turned on by eachother lol it was like all the freakin time. I had never really had a crazy sex drive before but with her it was so natural. Touching her felt so right and I know she felt the same. We were crazy about eachother. We got serious real fast and I was dying to tell her how much I loved her so I decided not to wait. We caved for eachother. I dropped my guard completely because she was so safe, so sweet, so protective. I knew she would never hurt me.

Nearly 3 months later I just couldn’t wait. I needed my girl and she needed me so I jumped and I found a place in Athens and I quit my job and found a new one and like that, I was there. Life with Rachel was beautiful but I was sort of sad because I had moved there for her and we still only got to see eachother fr once or twice a week starting off. We fought ab that... I wish we hadn’t. She would spend more time with her family and we fought ab that too.... again, I freaking hate myself. Why was I so jealous that she had family? Deep down I was happy for her but I behaved selfishly and wanted to be her family. It’s hard not having anyone ever choose you man it’s not supposed to be that way. I couldn’t help but want her to choose me but I don’t blame her for being hesitant. I should have been more hesitant. Things continued to be strong tho and we knew the other was far worth it.

I remember when I started going on grand openings for chickfila it just broke her little heart to watch me leave and it just wrecked me. But I needed the money so bad my new job just wasn’t adequate and I wanted the opportunity to travel, I never wanted to see her hurting or missing me, I never wanted her to go through that man I hated it for her I hated it too but I won’t lie, I wasn’t nearly as attached as she was either by this point. But it wasn’t because I wasn’t in love with her, it wasn’t because she loved me more, it was because I thought we were in it forever. I thought she wasn’t going anywhere and I thought I wasn’t either. I felt safe in knowing we could get through anything and come out of it still holding hands. Time was just time to me at that point....

Around August my friend logan moved down to be my roommate and she started school. This is when things got too tough. This is when I fucked up everything. Logan got there and I hadn’t had anyone except Rachel in a couple months. I was so excited to have my friend again but he had changed and that really hurt me... at the time I thought his changing was my fault. I thought he was mad at me for leaving earlier or for choosing Rachel instead of our initial plan in ATL. I felt like I needed to make it up to him, like I needed to earn his friendship back and for whatever reason he stopped supporting me and Rachel. I was so desperate for him to be my friend and I don’t even know why man. I don’t know what fucked my brain and made me think Rachel was not enough for me. I mean it’s probably true that she never could have met every single one of my needs it’s just not humanly possible, that’s more of a God thing I think. But I didn’t need logan, I needed Rachel. She was my girl, my soulmate, my lover, she was the one who was gonna walk with me forever.

I kept trying to take space so I could make my own friends, I was sick of being criticized for smoking too much weed, I was tired of having to cater to all of her feelings. I thought that meant I wasn’t right for her. I started to worry i would hurt her. That was the last thing I wanted so I kept trying to push her away. When I was alone and by myself I would think about marrying the freakin girl. I would think about our wedding and our home and our dogs and kids. But when I spoke to friends from home I would get so insecure. So fucking insecure. I felt ashamed and judged and I don’t know why. I still don’t know why I felt that way.

All I know is I kept putting both of us through unnecessary hell. I loved that girl so fucking much and I still love her that much. My heart has never stopped skipping beats for her, my brain has never stopped thinking about her, my heart has never stopped longing for her. I can’t be with anyone else. I can’t stop loving her. I can’t forgive myself for letting this happen. I can’t breathe or sleep or even eat. Food has no taste, I throw up what I do eat usually. I’m so lonely but I have all these friends.... I really got what I asked for man....

I want my baby back. I want my sweetheart, my “soup”, my stinky. I miss all those stupid little nicknames. I miss the way your body fit perfectly next to mine. I miss the way we would both snuggle with puppy. Of course I couldn’t let you know I was snuggling with him too bc I just had to come off as some tough chick even though I’m just as sappy and sensitive as you are. I just had to make sure everyone thought I hated country music, I didn’t actually believe in god, that I thought you were wimpy. Because I’m insecure. I put those insecurities off on you. I’ll never make that mistake again. I’m better than that now. I understand the consequences now. I’m so fucking sorry baby. We are the same but I was ashamed. You are so beautiful for being so confident in yourself.

I miss our trips we would take and staying in Air BNBs I miss our breakfast dates and waking up to you every morning. I miss cooking spaghetti for you. I miss coming home from work to your sweet little face. I miss saying soup with you and coming up with our funny words. I miss all of our laughs. Baby I miss you so much if you could only feel my heart bleeding for you. I’ve never been like this. I thought I was fucked up my whole life but now I realize that I’m fucking broken. How can I fix this? I can’t... you’ve met someone else. You’re moving on. And I’m stuck back here begging you not to go. I threw my forever away.... I didn’t know it would turn into this.... I just want to cry out to something to take away this pain but I don’t even know what anymore. I can’t ask god to bring you back because apparently god doesn’t approve of same sex love. I’m so hurt.... this pain is so unbearable. I just keep waiting for my love to come home and she never does....... she never will

I love you so much Rachel I always will. Please come home one day..... you are my forever baby

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batchaoticcollectionnight-blog · 6 years

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