#fortunately I like my job
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3 MORE HOURS OF WORK
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ladies, I need to wander despondently across a foggy moor asap
#*this also applies to the not-ladies among us#y'all deserve a good pensive ramble across a moor in a really cool greatcoat#just be sure you don't turn it into anything vigorous#this is not the time to be Aragorn we are looking for Jonathan Harker pre-Dracula at best#in regards to the moor: a wind-swept cliffside would also be suffice#it would NOT do wonders for my health of course but hey#fortunately the bestie and I have plans to go hiking next weekend and if we don't have another option I'm gonna beg for the hemlock trail#I'd also take the cedar springs#I just need Nature that isn't the beach#in other news I am happy to report that the week is smoothing itself out somewhat#we're all still on edge but it's not as bad as it was and we've effectively kicked loose the pebble in the the shoe#my darling sister sent me a gift and told me to treat myself so I may get bubble tea after work#and I begged for tomorrow off so I can sleep and then spend the day coughing in peace#(this is such a bizarre cold. I didn't get any of the preliminaries outside of some sneezing)#(and then it was straight to my chest. not even a sore throat first! usually I get a lot of build up and can often get ahead of a bad cough#(thankfully my nose is not congested. I suppose that's the trade-off)#so I'll sleep in and then I may sort some of the filing I'm taking home from the office#by then I'll likely have completely lost my voice#AND I have ingredients for chili because for once I planned ahead. might even make some of my favorite rolls as well.#and then next week...I start a second job#(super simple and it's 2 hours max every evening. once I figure it out it could be an hour tops unless I decide to take it slow)#(the pay is great for the job and it'll give me something to do instead of just...I dunno...reading through the winter I suppose)#(sorry my head is in such a fog I don't know how I'm surviving work)#mine#greatest hits
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Have to give the "I do like this job and the university, but I am WILDLY underpaid considering the amount of work/level of responsibility I have and if the university is serious about fostering a positive/supportive culture for faculty and staff, they need to give us all a serious raise" speech to my boss tomorrow. Uh, wish me luck?
#hilary for ts#school stuff#i mean i like my boss and she will be sympathetic#and it obviously isn't her call#but she needs to tell that to the deans and/or whoever is in charge of annual raises#because yes i do like this job#and i am fortunate to have it#but the pay is. uh. el-oh-el#academia: not even once
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funny how throughout my fangs of fortune rewatch i've gone from "hmmmm. if they were older, ying lei and bai jiu tho 👀" to "wait. ying lei and LI LUN THO????" and now idk what to do with this
#like am living for the first one#my fic is kinda pushing that agenda#also i saw some ppl say that bai jiu was supposed to be older? so yeah#they're very lovely like this too#but then this insane thing has been sneaking in#bc i've also started to feel for li lun more now#so am like???? where does this leave me#li lun stop inserting yourself into these love triangles#get a job!!!!#(i love him and his dramatic ass)#fangs of fortune
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#I just think it's ironic how I spent so much time thinking about leaving this country. but the moment I said: hey maybe I could make it work#if I find a good job and income maybe I could make it work. because I don't /want/ to leave#because this is my home and I know I won't be able to find myself anywhere. the MOMENT I decided to stay here and fight for my own future#and MAYBE be able to get my own place and just be at peace... THE MOMENT I decided that#things went to hell. and now ALL I think about 24/7 is where am I going to go? what should I do to leave? how much will it cost?#where do I begin?#and I'm lost and I feel like I'm trapped and running out of time because I don't know what's going to happen#and for the first time in a while I'm feeling /desperate/#it's like I'm grieving this country even before leaving it. but also grieving my life here#and the worst thing is that I don't even think I will (leave). I just want to. but I can't (hence the 'trapped' feeling)#I really wish I could go to sleep tonight and wake up in a safe place where I could be happy#my own little place is all I want. I don't even ask for endless fortune or beauty or love or anything#just a way and a place to be#random#personal#my shitty English#ohhhh... to be free to cry. what a dream. instead I have to take deep breaths and keep moving#where to? no idea. but moving it is
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the thing i really want to do is make cool graphic tees. like rn if i had to pick a "job" it would be, design cool graphic tees. i'm a t-shirt girlie (gn). i love a t-shirt. i'll put anything on a t-shirt.
#signs i should get back into the process of opening a shop#like i've determined already that my english degree? yea don't wanna work in any fields specific to that bc Deadlines and Stress#and my adhd brain just can't deal. and it also makes me hate writing and zaps me of energy for hobby / personal writing#like not sound like such a zillennial but. i need a more passive way of making money bc i am Not cut out for traditional jobs#my body can't handle in-person jobs (either sitting or standing for long periods of time)#and my adhd brain can't handle the stress of deadline from remote work and having to keep myself on track#also my remote work has basically bumped me down to freelance at this point and it's super inconsistent assignments so like.#literally not making a living wage rn which like. i'm very fortunate to live with family and have minimal expenses#but still. it's not something i can keep up long-term#any time i have to buy something i'm literally just eating my savings so. need to do Something#also. universal basic income when tho
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idk if it’s good or bad that my mental health increases drastically when im back at work
#I love having breaks from work#im so fortunate to have them#but my mind goes rampant when I have breaks from work and it makes me feel like I have no purpose#and that I’ve missed my true calling and that I’m not living up to my potential#but then I get back to work and im like YAY WORK I LOVE MY JOB PLANNING FOR THE SPRING#all my problems seem further away when im working#which is great I just wish I could enjoy my rest time without fighting demons#I need to secure work for this summer bc a. money and b. mental health#lol#cadence rambles
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As someone who has been struggling with loneliness and being on their own, I do sometimes wonder if there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Because no matter where I go, I always feel like I have to pretend to a certain degree, that I'm trying to play a role. It's so alienating. Like, I do think I manage to get along with most people, but they don't see me/care to do so, and it's...frustrating. I never really had friends when I was a kid or teenager. I don't have any now and it's so fucking hard not to feel this loneliness. Knowing that you are living one of your biggest fears and all that bullshit. And I wonder... maybe it's always been me.
#and sometimes i wonder if people can smell it on me#this desperation to be needed and someone people want around#and i think about how fucked up my brain is#and that maybe i won't ever be fortunate enough to be seen again#and I've been alone for years and i did meet people but it never seems to work because i get too into my head it fuck it up#and october and November just sucked and this loneliness is killing me and I'm working a job i don't like and i miss my siblings#and i want to go home to a place that doesn't even feel like home anymore#but i also want to leave and i am just so tired#i just need a little peace#sorry...#i hope it's okay I'm sharing this stuff#if not let me know :)#personal#txt.
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my job is annoying me so bad, they're micromanaging so much recently, if they fire me, idgaf tbh!!!!!
#im very fortunate to srill wirh my parenrs cause otherwise would not have rhe ease to say that#but man this job is getting on my nerves now#like wdym we have to be on camera for meetings#also they sent us a group PIP email?????#and my HR rep was on me this morning abt why my teams status shows me as offlinr like I JUST LOGGED IN GIVE IT A MINUTE#luna.txt
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BROOOOO MY FRIEND HOOKED ME UP WITH A TERTIARY JOB?!
#Crazy that I just got a fortune cookie that says “everything is open to you”#I do kind of believe in fortune cookies to an extent#It pays more per week than my school job too… but I’m keeping the school job obviously because that’s my passion (one of them)#I might open a savings account for creative pursuits and use that to finish 1984#Or I might save for top surgery or a house#idk we’ll see#YAY YAY YAY#The girls are BUILDING#I must admit part of my flat mood and hopelessness was caused by my constantly worrying about money#Not that I’m financially destitute; I just have to be extremely careful what I do with it and I obsess and make projections over it#To make sure I’m not losing money with every paycheck. And even though I’m doing a good job… it’s just a lot#Maybe with the path I’m currently on I can get famous and filthy rich and then give 90% of my income to the community#(I’d hate being famous though but fame is power and I’ve always wanted to help people and having that power will help me do that)#But (when people don’t talk over me) they like what I have to say and how I say it because I’ve worked on my speech meticulously#so I know how to speak elegantly and with wit like I write now (when I’m well rested)
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hi there, I love your fics 🥺 any kennderland content soon?
I hope so!
At my 'new' (as if it hasn't been half a year already) job I literally cannot have my phone on me while I work so any of the little downtime I've had I can't write on my phone........
........so I've been hand writing it when I get the chance (featuring censor lizard)
[ edit: video and end of post below cut ]
The problem now is I have to sit down and write this up digitally which I just... haven't done it yet.
Thank you to those of you who have recently left kudos and comments! I do see them and it makes me happy and pushes me to try and get more stuff written.
#work was super busy for the last three months and ive been learning on the fly and its been like drinking through a firehose#just normal industry capitalism problems of not enough people and not enough time for a big fucking project#so it was down to either giving the new inexperienced person (me) the really fucking hard thing to do or no one does it lol#i do like the work wayyy more than my old job but its been A Lot#im fortunate enough to have a good manager and way more experienced people helping me get through it#anyway that dumb dumpster fire is basically done now (hopefully) so i'll (hopefully) not be using all my braincells as much#im also so bad and rotating additional blorbos and have ideas for that stuff rn that if incorporated into PE as is would be a big time skip#and a lot of 'ok just trust me this is how this is working'#anyway thats all my excuses lmao#if you are one of the people out there that can still read cursive and/or my handwriting you can spoil yourself#asks#ramblings#kennderland#STEM is all well and good until you get into it and realize how many things are holding on by a thread#thats a wholeeee other rant that i dont need to get started on lol
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Today was a bad day
#MRI went okay but then i went to pick up my meds and my hsa card was declined so i had to call them up and found out they cancelled my card#so they could send me a new one since my plan technically changed since I'm no longer employed#so I won't get a new card for another like 2 weeks#then on top of that i went out and bought several different kinds of litter and tesla was still trying to be naughty#and I felt so bad keeping him confined in the computer room until he used the litter box#and then as I was throwing the litter out the bag ripped and it spilled all over#fortunately my neighbor was super nice and helped me#also i got my period#and everyone's like 'you're so brave for quitting your job and moving out here without a plan'#and im not brave#im scared and stupid and tired#i broke down crying and tesla came downstairs to make sure i was okay and i love him so much#i just wish he would use the litter box#I'm tired.... and i haven't gotten a chance to eat yet today#so I'm just like#in a bad headspace#odt
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just came across my dream fucking boots under 100$…… i know i will cave in anyway but omg i wish i wasnt broke af rn
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The universe loves me
#i can get the a i need for my online class after all!!!!!!#eeeeeeeeeeeeee#i just have to do 2 things and I'm gonna get the a#then I'll get my full amount of funds instead of half#I'm so excited#i mean first i have to do things for my in person class for that a but that one is super easy#this is such a gift and i don't know what deity did this#i don't worship any luck deities or ones associated with money or fortune or knowledge so idk#like all of mine are chaos and revelry and trickery other than one#but that one is like motherhood and stuff and i worship her to get the comfort of a divine mother#anyway whatever deity decided to blast my ass with fortune i love you#also i got what i needed to up my financial aid for the upcoming school year so double fortune#I'm vibrating with excitement#i may not be getting anywhere in my job search but my bank account won't be negative and I'll have the grades i wanted#life is beautiful today#i also got my doctor to switch me to gel for my t so i won't have a bad reaction hopefully and i see the gastroenterologist tomorrow#i'll get the swallowing problem dealt with soon even if i have to get a camera shoved down my throat again#and my college is doing a free tuition thing that while i don't think i qualify for will still be really good for other people who need it#and my dad leaves town for 2 weeks in the morning#I've just had a ton of good things happen in a row#also i got to see the living tombstone on Saturday and i swear that fixed the funk i was in from what i had to do last week#and i learned sweet tea doesn't taste like pure sugar so it's actually decent#damn I'm feeling good#anyway happy rant over#go be gremlins#and as always#drink water you heathens
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asked my boss for my old job back... & i WILL beg at least a little bit if it comes to that
#crazy how i looked at my savings last year & said i can't stand this job anymore and i can afford to leave rn so i will#and a year later i'm on my knees. begging for scraps. very fortunate that i live w my sister but i had the terrible realization this year#that i don't know how to do anything special. like nothing on my resume sets me apart. just a lot of glorified admin work#like i'll take a paycut. i'll take on more work. i'll even travel for it (i was always allowed to say no before)#anyway. it's been a humbling year#txt
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t*rfs be normal for once challenge level: impossible
#aese speaks#some loser in the fuckin notes#of monterey bay aquarium posting abt one of their employees + animals they work with#and they HAPPEN to be nonbinary/use they pronouns#and it's like. WOMBYN IN STEM!!!!!!!! SAD TO SEE SCIENTISTS FALL FOR THE GENDER CRAZE. ): SO SAD.#and its a video about. animals being examined for health and wellness.#t*rfs be normal for once challenge level: impossible#it wasn't even ABOUT being a theythem#it was literally. like. “i love my job! i get to learn a whole bunch. i am very fortunate. here is a shark they are my favorites (:”
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