#forgot i have to feed you content to actually get engagment that was my fault silly me

[crimsonmonsoon]

Qi Rong and Guzi in my western AU! What should the horses names be?

[yourkeeperoftherunners]

Doe Eyes, Dark Nights (Drabble) – NSFW

Characters: Incubus!Jungkook x Human!Namjoon, feat. Human!Yoongi and Incubus!Jimin

Rating: R (Incubus mythology, implied sex, flirting, language)

Notes: Based on this by @refrainbow. At this time it is only a drabble – wanted to run with inspiration while I have it. If you are under 18 or the legal age in your country, skip this one.

“Why are you getting mad at me?!”

“I saw him first!” the blonde fussed as he put his drink down a little loudly. “Kookie, you do this all the time!”

“When?”

Jimin rolled his eyes as he stared at the younger incubus, who was looking back with wide eyes. He began ticking off examples on his fingers: begging the teachers for snack first, approaching the cutest succubus on Valentine’s Day last, charming their professor after a bad grade.

“You’re upstaging me,” Jimin concluded. He picked up his glass and swirled the contents around. “You need to find your own human to seduce.”

“JOONIE!”

The taller male jolted upright on the couch, limbs going in all directions at the gravelly voice that addressed him. He sat up and pushed his glasses up on his nose, groaning when he saw the mess of undergrad tests he neglected, due to a short break he took. (Which turned into a relaxing nap while listening to whale sounds through his expensive headphones.) Speaking of which...

Namjoon looked around for his headphones, worried that he was sitting on them. He jerked his head and saw that his boyfriend was holding them in both hands, staring at him with an amused glance.

“You and your whale songs,” Yoongi chuckled as he put the headphones down on the table. “Sorry to bug you from your ‘exciting’ grading session, but I had a question about catering.”

Namjoon turned to face his boyfriend – scratch that – fiance, and prompted the other to continue.

Yoongi pulled out a notepad covered in scribbles and explained he spoke to three different caterers – their top choice was 99% booked, but if the couple was willing to pay a little extra, he’d make their wedding dates work, plus throw in the cake for free. “I talked to that guy from school – Seokjin?” Yoongi continued. “He said he’s never done catering, but he’s a good cook and he’s the cheapest out of all of the options. I know you thought the presentation was nice on the third one, but –”

“Seokjin then,” Namjoon interrupted him with a smile. “We can trust him, plus he likes doing things for friends – he told me he never went into the restaurant business for the money.”

The elder relaxed his shoulders and allowed a soft, gummy smile to cross his lips. He had taken charge of the planning, noticing that Namjoon, or Dr. Kim as he was known on campus, was preoccupied with teaching 2 undergrad classes, plus advising 4 seniors on their thesis presentations. It worked well, for Yoongi was practical and got things done in a timely manner. The wedding wasn’t until late summer, but it was better to get everything squared away now.

“It’s not my fault people look!” Jungkook huffed to himself as he wandered around, eyes roaming the area for a potential human.

He loved Jimin dearly as a friend, almost a brother, but sometimes the elder was prone to getting jealous easily and would sulk for days.

The incubus stifled a yawn and paused outside a coffee shop. He had trouble sleeping after last night’s argument with Jimin over the human they spotted in the nightclub. Partially to appease the other incubus, Jungkook persuaded the young man – a budding photographer – to go home with Jimin instead. Jungkook finished the bottle of soju at the table before leaving, dissatisfied with the other humans there. None of them smelled as good as the photographer, but he knew he’d have to feed soon.

His hand hovered over the handle and he hesitated for a few seconds. Caffeine sounded like a good idea for now.

He pulled on the handle and was about to step inside, but a taller male collided with him. The latter was holding a cup of coffee in a to-go cup, which sloshed the contents up and onto Jungkook’s white shirt.

The incubus hissed as the hot liquid hit his chest – minor pain, but still it stung. His eyes squeezed closed as he sucked in a sharp breath and he prepared what he was going to say to the klutz who walked into him.

“SHIT! I mean, I’m really sorry!” the deep voice uttered when he saw what happened.

Jungkook’s eyes flew open and he parted his lips, completely forgetting what he was going say to the other male. He blinked as the man ran back to the counter, grabbed a handful of napkins, and returned, dabbing frantically at the stain on Jungkook’s shirt.

“I’m so, so sorry!” the man babbled. “I’ll, I’ll pay for your coffee.”

Jungkook’s eyes drifted from the golden hand blotting at his shirt to the long neck, sharp jawline, and brown eyes belonging to the gentleman standing before him. A pleasant combination of coffee, honey, and a bit of sea salt hit his nostrils and his eyes widened. Score.

The incubus flashed a smile at the other male, catching the hand that was trying to wipe at the stain.

“It’s okay,” Jungkook reassured him. “I should have waited to open the door. Don’t worry – I own a lot of shirts like this one.”

The other male stared back and wadded up the napkins in his hand. “Are you sure man? I’m serious when I said I’ll pay for your coffee to make it up to you.”

“Actually, you cou–”

“Dr. Kim, is everything all right?” a female voice asked.

Jungkook looked over his shoulder to see a young woman in her twenties with a backpack slung on one shoulder. She hoisted the bag higher and asked, “I thought we said 11:35 but my bus came early.”

“Ah no it’s fine Jane,” Namjoon replied. “I was apologizing to this gentleman after my coffee spilled on him. I’ll be with you in a moment – you can wait outside.” He watched as the young woman excused herself to find a table to sit at and the incubus tilted his head.

“Doctor? You don’t look like a doctor,” Jungkook mused.

Namjoon flashed a small smile and extended a hand. “Dr. Kim Namjoon – I teach at the university nearby. I didn’t catch your name.”

Jungkook took the other’s hand in both of his and flashed his bunny smile at the other. “Jungkook or Kookie works too.”

“It’s nice to meet you Jungkook and again, please forgive me about the coffee – my boyfriend says I need to slow down before I hurt myself...or well, someone else, in this case.”

Jungkook froze when he heard the word, but he kept a neutral look on his face. “Boyfriend?”

Namjoon nodded as he let go of Jungkook’s hands, sighing as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Actually...fiance. In 7 months to be precise.” He glanced over at the line at the register and excused himself. “I almost forgot – let me get you your coffee.”

“Oh um that’s not neces–” Jungkook tried to protest, only to watch as the tall professor walked off to order him a coffee.

“You’re in love with a married human?! Oh you’re losing your touch baby boy!” Jimin chuckled.

“Hyung he’s engaged, not married!” Jungkook snapped as he pressed the phone to his ear. “Anyways, his fiance’s not doing his job right if the guy’s wound so tight.”

“Okay Kookie, so what does this ‘wound so tight guy with a fiance’ do?”

Jungkook took a sip from the cup of coffee Namjoon bought him before shifting the phone to his other ear. “He’s a professor at a university.”

The blonde whistled in the background, humming that university was stressful. “Well I won’t deny that you’re right about that,” Jimin concluded, “but you actually want to seduce a human that’s taken?”

“Why not? It doesn’t have to be serious!” Jungkook insisted. “Besides, isn’t that what we do? Give the humans a good time and take what we need to survive?”

“True, true,” the other incubus replied. “So, what’s your plan?”

Namjoon yawned as he stumbled into his apartment, hands fumbling with the switches. He dropped his briefcase by the front door and kicked his shoes off, wandering to the bedroom. His fingers brushed the switch and the lights flickered on, revealing the fair-skinned young man he ran into earlier, sprawled across his bed in nothing more than a white button-down shirt and a lacy pair of boyshorts. The professor blinked and flicked the lights off, thinking he was seeing things. Too much caffeine, too little sleep...he was starting to lose his mind – yes, that was it.

He flicked the lights back on, expecting to see an empty bed, but the young man was still lying there, eyes fixed on Namjoon.

“Wha–I mean, what are you doing here?” Namjoon asked as he approached the young man. “Ah man am I really that sleep-deprived that I’m seeing people I bumped into?”

Jungkook sat up and shook his head, scooting closer to Namjoon on his knees. He reached for the elder’s neck and tugged him closer, his eyes twinkling as a smirk crossed his lips.

“Hyung, did you think I was just a cute boy who accidentally walked into you at a coffee shop?” the incubus asked.

“Well yeah,” Namjoon confessed. “Oh shit, what are you implying? Wait, you’re not gonna kill me and suck my blood, are you?”

Jungkook laughed as he undid the buttons on his shirt, allowing the thin material to slide off his shoulders. His eyes darkened as he held his gaze with the professor’s.

“That’s a vampire and they’re not real,” he explained as he tugged on the other’s clothes, “Now incubi, we’re real and I think we could have a little fun tonight.”

“But...I’m enga–”

“One night won’t hurt anyone,” the incubus replied as a finger tapped the other’s lips. “Our little secret, Doctor. You’ve been working too hard and I think you could use a little help to unwind.”

[707defenderofkink]

Gemini Ch 3 (Saeyoung x MC x Saeran) (18+)

Content warning: extreme sex scenes, non-con/dub-con, graphic violence, foul language, themes of mental illness and suicide Contains spoilers “Here,” Seoyun urged, handing the ice pack over to her husband, “Put that over your cheek. Do you want me to get you something stronger than Ibuprofen?”

“No, this is enough,” Saeyoung reassured her, giving his wife’s hand a squeeze when she stared down at him worriedly. Before he could fret properly over her own well being (as she’d done nothing but rush back and forth since the incident, helping him to carry Saeran into his room and tending to the wounds he’d sustained from the fight), the doorbell chimed over the security system.

“Oh,” Seoyun realized, without even having to look at the security feed, “That must be Jumin. . . I’m sorry, but I called him earlier when everything was happening, and I must have forgot to hang up. . .”

“That’s fine,” her husband chuckled, though he groaned as he stretched out along the length of the leather couch, “Though, I’ll be surprised if he didn’t bring an entire S.W.A.T. team with him, which he really don’t need right now.”

Leaving his side, her fingers trailing over his shoulders affectionately, Seoyun went to the front door and unlocked it; the first of several heavy, bolted doors hissing as the timed locks were released before, at last, the sunshine and fresh air came drafting in. Looking as if he’d left work and rushed over, Jumin Han was looking surprisingly disheveled and also surprisingly alone.

Glancing around his shoulder, Seoyun teased him, “What, no private police force? Not even Jaehee?”

“Is everything alright?” Jumin interrupted her, looking reasonably concerned, “You sounded very shaken during our short phone call, and I heard a lot of shouting. . .”

“Oh, that,” Seoyun sighed, fidgeting with the door awkwardly. She hated that she’d been too weak and had felt the need to call her friend, worried about Saeyoung’s safety. She knew how the brothers enjoyed their privacy, and hated airing their private life to their friends. Even so, he’d come all this way out of concern for them, and so she wouldn’t turn him away.

Opening the door further, she invited him inside, all while reassuring him, “Everything is alright. . . now. Saeyoung is a little bruised up. It was. . . Well, Saeran had an episode.”

Entering the house and, at first, seeing the damage done to the kitchen while passing it by, Jumin questioned with worry, “That bad, huh?”

“Yeah,” Seoyun responded through gritted teeth, before turning down the hall and beginning to lead him towards the living room where Saeyoung was still resting on the couch, “But, don’t worry! Saeyoung and I are going to take him to the hospital soon. This was the first episode in a long time, so it kind of caught us by surprise.”

“. . . I feel like there is something you’re not telling me,” Jumin pried gently, and Seoyun cursed his astuteness. He was so difficult to lie to, especially when she was as frazzled as she was. She turned slowly around to face her friend, forcing herself to smile up at him when all she really wanted to do was rush into his arms and tell him the truth.

But. . . She couldn’t. It wasn’t just that it was between the members of the family what had happened, but also because she felt ashamed. In some small way, she felt responsible for what had happened. She’d almost let Saeran--- No, Unknown--- She’d almost let him. . .

“I know you’re about to lie to me,” the other man spoke softly, reaching out to brush a fly away strand of her hair behind her ear, “But, I understand if you don’t, or can’t, talk about it. I just want you to know that I’m here for you.”

The bruises, or, rather, bite marks, along her neck and shoulders were hard to miss, especially since she’d been in such a rush to redress that she hadn’t disguised them. He didn’t make a scene of letting her know he’d spotted them, as his eyes traveled from there and up to her swollen eyes, red and irritated from crying.

The truth was, Jumin wanted to know exactly what had happened here. It drove him mad that he wouldn’t find out what had happened to leave marks on Seoyun like this, or to make her so afraid that she’d called him, trembling in a whispering voice as if she were being held hostage. It had been the first though to cross his paranoid mind, until she’d rushed into the other room and he had heard all the commotion.

Ever since she’d joined the R.F.A., Jumin had harbored feelings for his friend’s wife. He even wondered if she might’ve ended falling for him, had Saeyoung not been there for her when she’d needed him most. He’d been the only one able to help her during that time when there had been a literal bomb in her apartment, and Jumin understood and stood back when they’d announced their engagement. He thought, as long as she was happy, he’d be content to merely watch over her. But it was difficult not to fawn over her when she was like this, and he almost wanted to chide Saeyoung for not doing a good enough job to protect her from his own brother.

He understood Saeran had. . . problems. How could he not? He knew it wasn’t his fault, either. He hadn’t blamed Saeran when he’d shot and killed his friend. Jihyun hadn’t been blameless in the torture the Choi brothers had suffered, nor had Rika. Especially not her. His feelings for Rika had been severed the moment he’d discovered her blame in it all, and though he’d followed his friend’s wishes and sent her out of the country to seek therapy, he hadn’t made a single effort to visit her. He only sent Yoosung when it was convenient, her cousin the only remaining member of R.F.A. that actually cared about her wellbeing.

But was Saeran really so unstable that he’d hurt his own sister-in-law? Jumin found himself frowning, and Seoyun noticed, coming closer and pulling him down to her level. She wrapped her arms around his neck tightly, sighing into his necktie. “Everything is okay, Oppa,” she told him, and he allowed her, even when he knew it was a lie.

“Come on,” she told him, releasing him from their brief hug and continuing down the hall towards the older Choi brother, “Saeyoung will probably want to thank you for dropping by.”

“Did you bring Elizabeth?”

Jumin leveled his gaze at the bruised-faced ginger, noting how his glasses were bent and even cracked, and shook his head at his continued antics even in a situation like this. “Is this really the time to be joking?” he demanded, arms crossed.

“It’s the best time,” Saeyoung reassured him, and Jumin believed he understood what he meant. His eyes followed his, drifting in the direction of Seoyun who whisked out of the room to bring them both something to warm to drink.

“I’m glad you stopped by,” the redhead disclosed to him, resting his head back against the arm of the couch with a groan, “I wanted to ask you: I’m going to be taking Saeran to the hospital soon, and they’ll probably want to keep him for at least a few days. I want to stay by his side while he’s there, so I was wondering if you’d be opposed to Seoyun staying with you until we’re back?”

Settling into the armchair across from him, Jumin’s heart skipped a hopeful beat. He was grateful for his ability to disguise his own excitement, as he answered his friend cordially, “Naturally, if that is what you two need from me. She is welcomed anytime, so are you and so is Saeran.”

“Thanks,” sighed her husband, running a hand through his hair before grimacing, obviously having stroked a bump. Seoyun returned shortly afterwards, carrying a tray with three drinks, one for each of them. Jumin thanked her for her hospitality, before trailing her as she came to settle down upon the couch at the opposite end of her spouse. She lifted his legs and allowed him to rest them across her lap, stroking his shins in a soothing manner. It reminded Jumin of how he’d pet Elizabeth when he was stressed, and it seemed to have a similar effect on her husband as well.

Lifting his head from the cushion, Saeyoung informed his wife about what they’d just been discussing in her abscence. “But,” Seoyun began to protest, to which Jumin felt his hopes dashed, “I don’t want to leave you; either of you. I want to be there with you!”

“I know you do, babe, but I don’t want you sleeping up there with me,” Saeyoung answered her, silencing the further protests already forming upon her lips by reaching out and grasping her hands.

“Come on, please? I don’t want to have to worry about you, too.”

Chewing her bottom lip, Seoyun looked between the two gentlemen before she relented with a sigh, “Fine. But, I’m going to visit every day while Jumin is at work, whether you like it or not.” Leaning down, she pressed a kiss against her husband’s lips, purring towards him, “Don’t worry: I’ll take lots of pictures of Elly and send them to you, my love.”

[loseitall-ff]

17. Part 3

I have had the best night of my life, I do not want to leave but Jay and Mel are on my case and I can’t blame them “why don’t you just go back in my tee, I’m sure they will enjoy seeing that” watching Chris walk over with a bowl of cereal in hand “why won’t you let me get you breakfast? I feel bad not feeding you” shaking my head lightly “I need to go, Liana had a bad night and she needs me” I know he wants me to stay but I can’t, I feel so tired and sore. I just want to be in Chris’ arms “if I ever see that ring off your finger I will not talk to you, for two days” giggling at Chris “two days huh? You can’t even keep away from me for an hour” Chris sat next to me “I can, test me” squinting my eyes at him “I left for New York and you was begging to come, I might test you” bringing my face closer to the cereal bowl “you ain’t having none of my Lucky Charms” he moved the bowl away “wow! I am your fiancé now, we have to share!” I spat, Chris rolled his eyes scooping a spoonful. Smiling at Chris as he bought the spoon towards me but then did a U-turn into his mouth “hmmm” he smiled, hitting his arm “I hate you so much” the intercom went off “that is for you, buzz him in” this sucks, why did Rich have to be so quick.

Least I am wearing some decent clothing now, thanks to Mel sending me something. Placing Chris’ tee on the bed we made love on, so much love which was constant. I enjoyed every moment, biting on to my bottom lip with a smirk “you looked better in my clothes” I jumped up as Chris’ arms snake around my hips, I sighed at out. Resting back into Chris’ arms, feeling him press a kiss onto my neck “don’t forgot your flowers, I will miss you in my bed. I am going to be all alone now” turning around in Chris’ arms “I am sorry, trust me. I want to be with you every moment. You are coming aren’t you? For Liana that is, we will see each other than” Chris pulled a face “we have to be normal as fuck, that shit is wack to me. I can’t hold you, I get mean looks from your people” Rubbing the side of Chris’ arm “Chris I know this is going to be hard, I just need you to hold on. You need to ignore my people, we just need to work on us and then we can be strong enough for the world, I am finding this hard too. We just need to be always in contact, no matter what we do” tiptoeing up to peck Chris’ lips “we do this my way, I don’t want to hear things from the outside world. You need to tell me first, same with me. When our family find out and they start throwing these things at us, it won’t bother us because we are strong enough for that” I can see the sadness in his eyes and it is breaking my heart “aight” there is nothing more we can do but be like this.

Sitting in the back of the SUV, I guess rich knows now, but I do need to trust him. He will be the guy to drive me around “that was awkward” Rich said breaking the silence “what was?” looking ahead “all the kissing, I stood there so awkwardly” I feel bad now, I couldn’t help but make out with Chris “yeah, about that” scratching my head “can you like keep that between us, Chris and I are just working on us” Rich snorted “I am just your bodyguard, not the guy they go to gossip with. I have been your bodyguard for years, I have took you to see Chris, and I have took you to Chris when you needed to be looked after when you was drunk, I got you” he has a point, I am so stupid “I have done some stupid things” cringing at myself “life of a bodyguard, I wouldn’t have it any other way boss lady” smiling lightly “same Rich, wish everyone was so understanding like you and Mel” I mumbled, nobody will accept this, they have no choice now anyways.

I am so blessed that New York is cold because I can cover my neck and act cold, these hickeys look like the hickeys that are going to stay for a while, as soon as I get in I am going to put some makeup on my neck. Closing the car door behind me, I can’t believe that I am coming back to this place as an engaged woman, I am fucking engaged. I want scream about this, I want to tell the world because I am happy as fuck, I am so happy to be with Chris no matter what anyone says. Pushing the door open, I can’t stop smiling either “mommy!!” Liana spat running at me, I guess she was waiting for me “baby” dropping my bag to the ground “mommy missed her baby” picking Liana up “where you go!” she squeezed my neck “mommy went out, I am back now” smiling at Mel “Liana is sad but she did so well, she slept all the way through not needing toilet. She went in the morning but she pee peed a little on her big girl pants and she is sad about that” looking at Liana “that is not a bad thing baby” I don’t know why she is sad about it “I am happy you slept all the way through, don’t be sad. I am proud” potty training is not so fun but Liana is doing well.

I don’t think I can walk and hold Liana, placing her down “baby, please walk for me” Liana didn’t complain, she walked over to my bag and picked it up but then looked “oohhhhh” she pointed at the flowers “yeah, Liana. Leave those” grabbing the bag, Mel cleared her throat “Liana needs to stop hugging you” quickly lifting my scarf up and covering my neck again “too late you dirty little hoe” I couldn’t help it, I can’t stop giggling. Placing my hand over my mouth “bitch, tell me the details! I want them” she rushed over, I shrugged “things happened, I got flowers” feeling my cheeks heat up “and some dick, he’s given you a new lease of life. You are fucking glowing!” sighing out “trust me Mel, I feel like a new woman” I feel so good about myself.

Good luck to the person cleaning that apartment “nigga” dapping Lo before getting into the back of the SUV “look at you niggas all here, you wasn’t about to miss a free party” sitting in the back with Keeis “nothing like a party in New York and a fight” frowning at Keeis “Mychal is in New York, he been talking shit saying you can fight him if you want because you can’t fight” this is why I don’t fuck with Robyn being in New York “he can suck my dick, I don’t care. We just finna turn up here and have a good time” I need to get better, my reputation needs to improve “hood said he would throw a bottle at him” Lo said up in front “oh nah, no bottle throwing. I already lost some chin on that shit and I doubt he will come there, just let’s keep it one hundred. I will beat him up again when he doesn’t expect it” I need to keep my temper at bay, I need to keep a low profile at all times because then they can say Chris did change.

Dropped my stuff off at the hotel so now I can go and see this mansion Robyn is in, see my daughter for a while and then just annoy her people for a while. I know what her people are like, they don’t like me near Robyn. I understand why and why they want to keep Robyn away from me because I am not the best person to be with, my reputation has been shocking. I always fuck up, I always hurt Robyn. My people will be so happy for me because they know Robyn keeps me settled, I am quieter too but Monica is about to hate me. She always tells me I have something over Robyn and I told her it was just love, we love each other. We was meant to cross paths and we did, but now I can’t let that go, she had me from the start, just I fucked up. I honestly didn’t think Robyn would have had a baby at this point in her life, she was really content with life but I didn’t know she was trying, I was just being me. My mom did say she thinks Robyn did it to tame my ass down, it did but I still messed that one up. I can’t stress enough on how much her people are going to freak out, they don’t know half the shit she has been through but I do, I know my Robyn and there wouldn’t be anything they could have done to make her happy.

Looking out of the car window seeing the Mansion, this is so nice and she rented this out. This place is actually really out of the way, I can deal with this “when would you like me to pick you up?” my driver asked “uhm, I will text you. Might be a little late” he pulled up outside the door “thank you” picking my backpack up from the backseat next to me, opening the car door and slipping out. Shit is going to be so weird, I have to be normal with Robyn. But I really want to just start kissing her and tell Robyn how happy I am. Pressing the buzzer again, they must be in the studio or some shit because they are taking their time. The door flew open and I just gasped, looking at Rorrey’ face. She didn’t tell me this, he stared at me but then stepped back “nice” I said to myself stepping inside “down the hall and on your left” he said behind me, he is miserable as fuck.

Stood smiling at Liana, dancing in a princess dress watching some princess cartoon. Makes me smile when she tries singing, I don’t even think she gets the wording right. She twirled around but did not notice me “this girl is so into this” Mel paused the screen “oh no” she said turning to Mel “look who is here, stupid dad” my mouth hung open “hey, hey you mean super dad” Liana��� eyes lit up “my dad!!” she ran at me, I am scared she is going to fall with that long ass dress on, moving forward. Catching Liana “who is this beautiful princess, is this Liana” holding Liana out to me, she smiled “meeee!” throwing her up in the air and then catching her “aww you look beautiful” hugging Liana close “where is your crown?” Liana touched the top of her head “there daddy!” she pointed at the ground “let’s get this for you, you need your crown baby” I missed my daughter.

Grinning from ear to ear, Liana is performing for me “you know Chris, earlier Liana fell off the dining room chair. She hurt her head so Leandra dressed her in this to keep her happy, it was her own fault because I did tell her to stop playing around but she banged her head pretty bad” feeling Liana’ little hands on my face “dad! Look at me!!” dragging my eyes away from Mel “baby, I heard you hurt yourself” Liana moved her hands away and sighed “just a little” her little face “baby are you ok?” my poor daughter hurt herself “ok, I get to play now” she is smiling so I guess she is ok “still having trouble with your legs bitch” hearing Mel say, my ears perked up. Looking to the side of Liana and seeing Robyn with an oversized sweatshirt on “shut up, I am fine” I am so happy to see her but then my face dropped seeing Rorrey.

Why did Rorrey have to be here, he ruins the whole set up. I can’t make it noticeable that I am looking at Robyn, but I want to touch her, I want her so bad “I sit here and baby sit here” Liana sat on my right leg that are sprawled out on the floor, her doll laid on my left leg “if you are a princess can I be the prince?” I questioned Liana, she turned around “no” she shook her head “oh wow, then who is prince? I am sad now” Liana got up from my leg and walked away “you will be nobodies prince” Leandra said “you ain’t finna be anybody’s princess either” Liana ran over with this male white Ken doll “is that prince?” taking it from her “yes” Liana nodded “I ain’t having no white dude be prince, who buys Liana male dolls? No boys, you hear that little lady” pointing at Liana, she giggled pushing my hand away.

Getting up from the floor “everything good though?” looking at Robyn, she stared at me trying her hardest to keep a straight face “uh yeah” her voice all high pitched “cool, your neck good?” I pointed, she gawked at me like I swore at her “she was out all night” Leandra spoke up “oh for real? Why didn’t you let me have Liana then?” Robyn is so confused as she touched her neck “it’s just there, some mark” pointing it out again “nothing” she spat “I mean, it’s got nothing to do with you. I just went out” turning around shaking my head “wow, I just find it funny how you can go out and then come back with some weird marks on your neck but when I have a lady friend it is an issue” sitting down on the couch “you seem butt hurt Chris?” Mel grinned at me, smiling back at her “maybe I am” tilting my head to the side “I see how it is though” Robyn is so quiet, she does not know what to do or say “erm you want to hear some of my music?” she randomly said changing the subject “sure, only if I am allowed” Robyn got up from the couch “yeah, I just came dowm from the studio to see you” this is so awkward for her, I can tell she is struggling.

Walking behind Robyn as we turned the corner, looking behind me before I do something stupid. Licking my bottom lip as I ran a little towards Robyn and slapped her ass, she gasped jumping forward a little. She spun around with her mouth hung open “how’s daddy’ pussy?” I said in a whisper, wrapping my arms around Robyn’ waist “sore, I miss you so much” Robyn said before pressing my lips against hers, pushing Robyn back against the wall while our lips never moved away, our lips racing against time. Robyn’ hands behind my head, moving back catching my breath “stop being an ass, stop teasing me” Robyn said, I chuckled “I can’t help it, you just be staring at me all lost” hearing footsteps down the hall so I moved back, I guess we better get in the room.

Nodding my head “I love this song, I can see myself turning up to this. This is so different for you, niggas won’t be expecting this from you at all” the room is so silent while I spoke and the music stopped “you think?” leaning down against the middle table “yeah, I think you should put this out to the clubs more. A turn up song for sure, I like it. What is the other song” grabbing the pen from the side and pulling the paper towards me, hearing the piano keys play I looked up at Robyn “what is this called?” she released her bottom lip from the grip of her teeth “stay” barely hearing Robyn say, nodding my head looking down at the paper. Writing on the paper as I looked around before I did ‘staying with you forever R.B ;)’ standing up straight and pushing the paper towards her, she looked down as she picked the paper up. Her brother is not even paying attention to us, actually nobody is caring for us “R B?” she mouthed, walking backwards slowly. Walking around the middle table “Robyn Brown” I said in her ear, brushing my hand against hers.

Looking down at my watch, I really need to make a move “I don’t mind, I will come back and feature on a song with you if you would like that?” I know she wants me too but won’t say it, she keeps saying I need to do another song “really?” why is she acting fake surprised for “you know I got you, I just can’t do it now because I need to go to the club. I will be back around though” I am trying to let Robyn know I am going out also “oh right, ok. That is fine. You can come around when you like, thank you” Robyn is so bad at this “no problem, if y’all are free. You can come to the club?” I really want Robyn to come out and just leave the rest here “Mel and I will come” Leandra’ ugly ass spoke up, I sighed out “uhh yeah I guess” Robyn chuckled “I will stay behind with Liana, have fun guys” is Robyn being real, I want her not them “y’all better get ready now, I will be going” now I have to put up with them two, I just wanted Robyn, but I couldn’t just say that “oh yeah, Liana and I have a fashion show which is in two weeks I think. It’s in New York” my eyes lit up “both y’all together?” this is so exciting “yes, we both about to walk it together” I think I am acting too excited, let me stop “I want to see” I spat “I mean see Liana” I need to act right “you see the places we got are fully booked by us” Jay Brown spoke, why is he even speaking “I want to see my daughter, how about you let blood be there instead of some help. Know your place” I couldn’t help myself “he is family” Rorrey spoke up “so am I, she is my daughter” fuck these niggas “Chris there will be a place for you, your mom too if needs be” Robyn soon spoke up, looking away from Jay “thank you” who are they to try and keep me away, I am annoyed.

[rueur]

Morning Pages No. 58

Friday 21st August - 9:01am Man, I was so hoping that I could say the time was exactly 9am when I started typing, but alas I had to erase yesterday’s text and set up the start of the page. I actually still haven’t even changed the No. of the page to today’s number, so I have to do that before I continue any further. Okay done! 

I just opened the front door to let Lonzo and Nicky out for a little bit this lovely, sunny morning, and am sitting where I usually sit at the dining table, in front of my whiteboard, typing with my back straight and enjoying the calm and quiet of this morning, before my jam-packed afternoon starts. I have a chat scheduled with Sam McDonald at 3pm, and then a class with Dinel at 4:30-5:30, then a chat with Dan scheduled from 6 till whatever time that ends, hopefully that doesn’t go on for too long, but we’ll see what happens. I was planning on using some of the morning to maybe play around with SquareSpace, or however you capitalise it, and see what I can do on Julie’s new site design. It’s going to be pretty fun, I know, but just getting started is a little bit daunting. I haven’t even sent her my invoice for last month! I know I have to do that too. It’s just $60 for the whole month of July, because honestly all I did was handle the domain transfer and set up the new hosting account, and her emails. I’ll charge her another $60 for that time I went to her house, and put a clock on the work that I do on the new site design today, that is if I start today. It’s good to have some mental space set aside to work this stuff out. Freelancing is hard! It demands that you know your own worth, and most of the time creative freelancers have faced many many rejections when applying for ACTUAL jobs, so we typically tend to undervalue ourselves anyway. But I suppose I shouldn’t look at this as a cruel piece of irony, more than it is an opportunity to learn how to value myself at what is honestly still the start of my career. I’ve thought about the possibility of working enough freelance jobs and using Sam (boss man) as a resource until I get familiarised enough with the digital marketing and web development industries and can open up my own agency, maybe with Mundell as my head of web development, and me as the head of content and communications. It’s a pipedream for now, because I don’t know if that’s a dream Mundell might want too. But one thing I am certain of is that it’d allow us to work for our own damn selves, and I feel like life would be busy, but very very good. We’ll see what the future holds in store, I suppose.

Lonzo’s looking out the window right now, and now he’s just decided to go back out the open front door. It is genuinely a beautiful day. I’m fighting the urge to go for a walk, but also fuck it I should be able to go for a walk if I want to go for a walk! The grass is still quite long in the front yard, but I’m still loving it. The sunlight is shining right through the longer strands and it looks like the floor is glowing. I feel like I’m in a video game on a very sunny day. It’s sad that I used video games to describe the majesty of the natural world, when video games are merely an ambitious reflection of reality. I just googled ‘Slytherin traits’ to try and remember the world ‘ambitious’ just then, lord almighty. I’ve been spending far too much time inside, and I know it and I hate it. But okay, yeah, so I will in fact go for a walk today. Maybe with Evan, if he’s keen. If I allow him to go stoned, he’ll probably be keen.

I have to do some yoga at some point today because Day 4 of Sarah’s 21 Days is ten minutes of mindful stretching. I was going to do it last night, I almost did about ten minutes worth at work, but I wasn’t happy with a half-hearted attempt, so after these pages I’m going to actually set aside some time with some nice soothing music and just really get into some downward facing dog, some warrior poses, and maybe find some other things along the way in a really nice flow. I remember a lot of the yoga poses from Shining Light’s classes, but I don’t know their names. I’m hoping that sometime soon, I can get together with Wren and do some small exercises. As I type this, I honestly don’t know if that is indeed something I want to do. Maybe not sometime soon. Am I a bad friend? Or am I just my own crazy level of fatigued? It’s hard to keep myself a priority when I am always just concerned about my place in the lives of others. To be fair, I am doing this less and less, but it’s not really a positive change if you’re using work as a distraction from this issue, which is also what I feel I’m doing. I work too much, and sometimes it makes me feel like it means I’m not a failure, but in actuality, I’m skimming multiple fields, and not settling on any specific one. It feels like a patch, sometimes. I mean, it feels like my current working habits allow me to stay stagnant and not even realise it, because there’s a sense of busy-ness, and a sense of things moving. But where am I going? Really? I know I shouldn’t be this analytical, this critical, especially right now because I’m still studying! And there’s a freaking pandemic on. It’s not like I can help this. So why do I keep expecting myself to be doing better than I am? I’m jumping the gun. But that’s just how I am. I’m impatient with myself, and patient with everyone else. 

I just took a photo of that last paragraph and wanted to send it to Sarah, but instead I sent it to Wren. Is that meaningful at all? I’m not sure, I feel like maybe I can be totally honest about myself with Wren and Wren won’t judge me for it. I’m genuinely considering putting that last paragraph in the Sarah’s People group chat too, if I’m going to be completely honest. I feel like it may help start up a dialogue that some people may need. If that’s the case, it would kind of be my responsibility to start up this dialogue. 

It’s 9:33am, I took a big pause in this writing to feed the boys breakfast, because Nicky had just come running back in through the front door. And now guess what he’s doing? He’s done eating (for now) and has decided to jump up on the dining table and walk all over the place. He almost sat down, and now he’s jumped off again. What a wild turn of events. I legitimately thought he was going to walk toward me, bop my head and attempt to walk all over the keyboard, which is apparently only what he does when he wants to be fed. Goodness, the way he wakes me up in the morning does my absolute fucking head in. I reckon I might actually post that little paragraph in the Sarah’s People chat. Or at the very least, the other chat with Sarah, Amy, Nichole, and I. I don’t know. I think it’s important to reach out to people right now, and I feel like I need to make more of an effort with the girls. I’m hopeful that once lockdown is over, I’ll be more involved, more present. It helps that Sarah and Amy won’t be going to ACSA anymore. Maybe we’ll be able to find a BJJ place that’s closer to our side of town, or at the very least in a central area.

Evan’s just gotten back from the supermarket, I saw the car pulling into the driveway from the service road. I’m a little bit annoyed that I still haven’t finished these pages, but I’m also grateful for the insight this activity has provided me with today. I can hear Evan talking to the dog, and now he’s opened and has walked through the front door. We’re just talking about the shopping trip he’s just done! What domestic bliss.

Ugh, god. I thought these pages would be a breeze to get through because I woke up feeling pretty energetic this morning, but now it’s slightly depressing to me that it’s 9:43am and I’m still going. This shouldn’t take an hour, this is absurd. I mean, I haven’t been writing the whole time, so I shouldn’t feel too annoyed about this. I mean imagine when we’re older and I have to maintain this practice alongside having kids. It’s going to take me a hell of a lot longer some days, and that should be okay. I shouldn’t be too down on myself about that, because it just means that I’m responsible. I feel like I’m just going to have to start getting into the habit of being more emotionally lenient with myself, before I pile more responsibilities onto my life. I want to be a good mother. I feel that increasingly with every year. But in order to be a good mother (or teacher), you need to have life experience and you need to know what the world is like. My mother didn’t really engage too much with how this world really is, until we were all older. And that’s not her fault, that’s something she had to do for herself, and frankly for us too. She didn’t work so she could raise us, and she moved across the world for our benefit. She moved to a place she knew nothing about and was terrified of engaging with because thathi had to work nights and she was alone A LOT. I cannot even begin to imagine what that must’ve been like. All I know is what life is like for me, and I too have had my fair share of challenges, but I feel as though I’ve adopted a strong enough mindset that when things have happened to me, I’m able to roll with them to an extent, and I’m able to take them on board and use them in my own ongoing personal development. I want to impart that value, the value of endurance and persistence, onto my own children. And I can’t do that if I’m too hard on myself. I want to stretch soon, I’m looking forward to it. But I also want snacks! Snacks after stretches, yeeee!

I’m not sure what to do for the last third or so of this last page. There was a weird moment at work when Manny, Joe, and I were talking about how Evan and I almost did LSD this week (we didn’t, I know I forgot to mention that), and I made a statement on how that desire came out of nowhere from him, and Manny said ‘maybe he just wanted really freaky sex’, and I waved him off...and then revealed that ‘yeah, he actually did mention that’, and the boys howled with laughter and I ran the fuck away to the counter where I chatted with Soph for a bit. And Rob was managing today, and we were able to have a pretty nice conversation for the last half hour or so of the day. I miss him, if I’m being completely honest. I like talking to him more than I like talking to a lot of my coworkers, because I feel like we have a lot in common. But I don’t know what’s going on in his head, and it’s a touch terrifying. I mostly just feel bad. Not guilty or anything, just bad that something as DUMB as sexual tension is keeping us from being friends. I mean...I don’t even know if there even is sexual tension at this point. Fuck.