#forgive me for the shortness it's been a long week 😭

[imastrangeone98]

Their Arms Round Him, Pressed As Though Forever

(A/N: happy birthday @philistiniphagottini !!! My tumblr bestie who has never failed to endorse my filthy ideas and shenanigans, ily so much bby 🩷🩷)

No warnings; also fun fact: kakashi was my first anime crush 💘

Konoha has been far too quiet. With the war finally over, you've dutifully kept your eyes peeled for your beloved husband's return, anxiously awaiting a sign from him, from his ninken, from anyone.

Yet he has not returned to you. It has now been weeks, with no sign of your lover, and you grow anxious.

You've done everything you could, from venturing out into the wilderness surrounding the village, to haunting the hallways of the hospital. Yet he has not returned. The only reassurances you have are from his squad members, and you grow restless from those as well.

Your heart aches once more. Another day gone by, yet no progress was made.

As you watch the moon rise with tears in your eyes, you heave out a heavy sigh and sluggishly prepare for bed. Another plate of leftovers for the fridge tonight.

"Where are you, you silly man..." you wonder aloud, stumbling into the bathroom only to stare at your own reflection.

Your hair is terrible. There are dark bags under your bloodshot eyes. You haven't washed your face in days, maybe even weeks.

You sigh. "I look like shit."

"Just a little bit."

With a scream, you jump away from the sound, scrambling to grab a weapon to defend yourself from this intruder, until warm hands wrap around your wrists and a body presses against you. Silver hair tickles your nose.

"Sorry I'm late. I had some business to take care of," your husband murmurs into your ear, softly kissing the skin in apology. "I'm home."

He smells of the woods, and antiseptic, and his ninken. He smells alive.

Tears stain your eyelids. Nothing you do could stop them from spilling down your cheeks. And you weep in his arms, finally able to let the stones on your chest fall to the ground so you can breathe.

"Deep breaths, love. You're gonna choke on your own air," he chuckles humorlessly. "I'm here now. I'm sorry I took so long. I wanted you to see this."

His warm hands gently wipes your eyes dry, briefly cradling your face in his palms before pulling away and reaching into his pocket to pull out a small box. "The Cloud Village is known for its steel jewelry... I figured I'd get a souvenir for you."

You jokingly pout at him. "That is one of the most dumbest reasons I've heard from you so far," you sniffle.

But you smile nonetheless, and when he pulls out the necklace, you let him clasp it on you.

But nothing could compare to the way he wraps his arms around you once more, wordlessly letting you know that he isn't disappearing again.

And he presses you close to his heart as the moon continues to rise, and you know that he is with you. Now and forever.

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A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAGA!! I'm so sorry it took so long to get out, school has been rough 😭 but I hope you like this short and sweet fluff!!

[forzalando]

read to me

short and sweet lando + reading blurb for @coff33andb00ks 😊 i really, really hope you like it, viv! you know my thoughts on it already lol and i'm so sorry it's so short😭 please forgive me!!! summary: you finally have a day together after weeks away from home - lando suggests a day out, but all you want to do is read your new book. pairing: lando x fem!reader word count: 876 words tw: mild cursing

You loved traveling the world with Lando – discovering new favorites in every city, making memories across the globe. But sometimes, you wished that life could move a little slower.

Days like today are ones you cherished with all your heart. Both of you at home in your shared apartment, no plans or work or distractions. You woke up that morning before Lando, quietly slipping out of bed and tip-toeing to the kitchen to make a cup of whatever random tea bag you could find in the cupboard after a triple-header and no groceries.

The clock read 8:11am and you were positive that Lando wouldn’t be up for at least another hour given how exhausting the last few weeks have been. Rather than climb back in bed and potentially disturb him, you flopped onto the couch and weighed your options for entertainment.

Out of the corner of your eye you spotted a book that a friend had recommended to you that you’d ordered and forgotten to pack before leaving for Spain. You settled deeper into the couch, threw a blanket across your lap, and opened the book to the first page, immediately hooked by just the first line.

Enraptured with the words before you, you didn’t realize the time or hear Lando repeatedly calling your name from the bedroom. He trudged out into your living room to investigate and saw you snuggled into the couch, oblivious to all of your surroundings.

“Babe?” He spoke quietly, from directly behind you.

You screamed in shock – the book flying from your hands and landing on the floor with a loud thud.

“Why did you sneak up on me like that?!” You yelled, launching yourself up to grab your book from the floor before any of the pages got crinkled.

“I’ve been calling your name for the past five minutes! How long have you been awake?”

“What time is it?”

“Around 11am– I can’t believe I slept that long.”

Your eyes drifted to your mug, tea long forgotten and no longer steaming.

“Holy shit,” you mumbled. “I’ve been reading for almost 3 hours, I didn’t even realize.” You placed the book on the coffee table next to your mug, attempting to stall your thoughts about the last full chapter you read and turn your attention to Lando as he hopped down on the couch next to you.

“We finally have a whole day to ourselves – what are you in the mood for?” Lando questioned, moving to throw the blanket over himself and lay in between your legs with his head in your lap – his self-proclaimed favorite spot. “We could grab lunch at our favorite place, maybe ice cream after a walk on the beach, go rope some friends into a game of padel, anything you want, love.”

You mulled the options given over in your head while Lando looked up at you expectantly. You tried to think of other options to suggest to convince him you wanted to go out, but in all honesty, nothing sounded more appealing than staying inside, snuggling with your boyfriend, and finishing that damned book.

Your fingers carded through his curls, pretending to think long and hard about what activity you’d tackle together. Lando, always attuned to your emotions, noticed your hesitation and the quick glance you gave the coffee table.

“What if we stayed home, actually?” He offered, watching your eyes light up and a small smile grace your cheeks.

“Are you sure? We’ve barely done anything the past three weeks, if you want to go out, I’ll get ready!”

The feeling of your hands massaging his hair, your midsection providing the perfect pillow, and the giddy look on your face at the thought of more reading made answering you the easiest thing in the world.

“I’m so sure. All that matters to me is that I’m spending the day with you, and besides, I could do with a few hours of relaxation.”

You leaned down and kissed him softly in thanks – a contended sigh escaping his mouth when you then turned to kiss his cheek before returning to sitting upright.

“Will you read to me?” Lando murmured. “You know how much I love the sound of your voice.”

You smiled and bent over gently to grab your book, turning back to page one because how could you subject Lando to starting in the middle?

Within ten minutes, soft snores echoed throughout the room and Lando had wound his arms around your waist, nuzzling his cheek against your stomach. You smiled down at your overgrown cat of a boyfriend, gently tossing your book back over to the table so you’d have free hands.

One in his soft curls and the other resting between his shoulder blades. Nothing meant more to you than these moments – being close to him, complete relaxation, seeking comfort in one another.

You were content to sit and stare down at him for as long as he remained asleep. The straight slope of his nose, long lashes brushing against his cheekbones, how his lips parted slightly. Despite all the places you’d been, monuments and cities you’d seen, there wasn’t a sight more lovely than Lando Norris.

Reading would simply have to wait when your eyes could instead gaze upon someone so beautiful.  

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if you would like to be added to my taglist, please refer to this post!

[justevelynnnn]

I’ll always love you.

Pairing: Logan howlett x reader

Summary: Logan has a nightmare and hurts you in his sleep. This is a short story of that and the aftermath.

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of blood, Logan stabbed you in your sleep, Profanity, Cigar smoking, mention of the scene where wolverine gets his adamantium skeleton. (Written with fem!reader in mind but no she/her pronouns are used or feminine features are mentioned)

A/N: this started off as a drabble but tbh it got a bit longer than i expected so 😭 but anyway, i love this plot so of coursee, my turn!

He was in the tank again.

It was the same nightmare every other week. Or, one of them. But this was the worst one of them all.

Suffocating. Confused. Scared?

He felt it all again.

He could never, ever describe what metal covering your skeleton feels like but it’s a horrible, disgusting feeling.

As he rose and roared angrily from the water, tubes fell out his body. He gets hit with a bullet to the head and he fiercely turns to the source, growling animalistically. There are more gun shots as he jumped out, screaming. Oh, and of course…Fucking Stryker.

Stryker. Stryker. Stryker.

Of course, the nightmare version of this event is more intense feeling. His heart was racing. His mind. His feet. Adrenaline is pumping through his veins. Everything is on fire.

Then suddenly, he’s in a dark room.

Still yelling and thrashing, he doesn’t stop until he comes to finally seconds later. Oh, it was a nightmare. Not real. Though, the screams still echo in his head.

And then he hears a soft, “Logan….”

He looks down.

You’re laying there, under him. There are tears in your eyes as you held his…wrists with..his claws…in…your….sides..

His heart drops. Blood runs cold. He feels like he’s gonna be sick.

Shit. Shit shit shit shit fuck fuck fuck-

He mouths, “No…no no no…”

“Logan, it’s okay. It’s okay, you’re…” A pained groan from you interrupted yourself. “…okay. I’m here.”

He frantically pulls his claws out and sits there, looking at you in pure horror. Heart pounding still as guilt washed over him. Consuming his entire soul.

Luckily, for the both of you, you also had a healing factor..just not as good as his…it took twice as long for you to heal.

But you were prepared for this moment anyways. You knew one day…he’d wake up like this. That you’d wake up like this. You practiced what you would say and do. Remain calm and ground him. Remind him he’s okay and that you two are far from any enemies.

Logan looked at the blood covering his hands once he unsheathed his claws. Looked at you once more and then back at his own hands.

“I’m already healing, Logan. It’s gonna be okay. It was an accident.” You sit up in bed, even though it was horribly painful still, and rub his shoulders trying to relax him.

“..i…i..hurt you.” He softly said looking into your eyes.

“It was an accident.”

“I hurt you. I fucking hurt you.”

“You didn’t mean to, Lo.”

He bit his lip, holding back a sob. Still, a tear escaped his eye.

You hugged him solfty, not minding the sweat covering his skin and clothes, and rubbed his back.

“I’m sorry…i’m sorry baby i-“

You hear him finally break down a bit as his voice hitched. You rub his back more telling him it’s okay. You’re okay.

“I know, you’d never do it on purpose Logan…i forgive you. Look, I’m already halfway healed…it won’t even scar..” You pull back and gently held his face and kiss his forehead.

He sighed.

“Wanna stay up with me? Wash the sheets and sit outside a bit?” You smiled.

He nods. “I’m so sorry.”

You don’t respond as you get out of bed, pain on your sides quickly fading. You pull him with you and you both start pulling off the blood soaked sheets quietly.

Once everything is in the washer you sit with him on the couch in the dark, cuddled next to him as he smoked a cigar to calm his nerves.

“That was my worst nightmare.” He said softly as he took a long drag.

“I know..but i know you didnt mean too. You’ve been through a lot it was bound to happen at some point… and plus, i’m better now..”

“I…I dunno why you put up with me.”

“Because I love you. ‘Cause i know deep down you have a good soul.”

He huffed at this and smiled as he said, “Love, huh?”

“Yes, love. All of it. Your scars, your personality, just…you.”

Silence filled the room once more. He put the cigar out and laid it on the table then looked away.

“I’m just..scared. Of losing you. Are you sure? About us? This? I don’t want to hurt you anymore…i-“

“Logan, look at me.”

He turned to face you. Face unreadable as usual but you knew he felt worry.

“I’ll never leave you. And i’m so sure about us. 100%. You don’t have to be scared of anything considering that anymore. Okay? I’ll always love you.”

He doesn’t say anything for a moment but then he closed the distance. Hugging you tightly. A soft thank you came from him moments later.

That night you two fell asleep on the couch in each others arms.

[w0rmm1lk]

I saw that you were receiving requests and I was wondering if you could write a Bakugou x male reader angst (both adults and married if possible, but it doesn't necessarily have to be.) where they There's an argument and the reader leaves the house at night and comes back just a week later (because Bakugou said some bad things. I don't think he would do that but I love angst where the character almost literally has to kneel down and ask the reader for forgiveness 😭😭😭) I'm sorry if it's too detailed and forgive my English, I'm Brazilian and I'm using Google Translate ☠️... (oh! and with a happy ending please🥺)

Yayyy first request hehe

Summary: reader and bakugo got into a small argument about bakugo not being home enough due to his hero work, bakugo being himself the argument escalated into something worse.

reader: Male

other details: Hero!Bakugo, Readers job not mentioned (can be read as hero reader or other). It is mentioned that reader has a sibling but details about them are not specified.

warnings: angst-(fluff at end), swearing(its bakugo what did you expect) implied married reader and bakugo but not mentioned. Kinda ooc but I tried my best 🥲

You and bakugo had been together for quite some time. You first started the relationship when he was in his second year at UA, but you had known eachother since middle school. So of course you knew eachother very well, and were very close. Or well, as close as you can be with bakugo.

when you first got together he had been quite distant, but you understood. He wasn’t use to this kind of thing, yet it didn’t take him long to adjust. Long story short after he graduated you both ended up moving in together.

you had quickly gotten use to how much bakugo worked. He was so desperate to be the No.1 hero, and of course as his boyfriend/husband you supported him in that. Yet, sometimes you felt that he was more focused on that than you. He was rarely ever home leaving you to do most of the house work, including the laundry, dishes, buying groceries, ect. at first it wasn’t anything to worry about, you were mostly okay with it since you got to stay home most of the time, but sometimes it would get lonley. It was weird… you had been in a relationship for so long and even lived with him yet the house felt so empty and devoid of life. You thought that it was maybe a good idea to bring this up with bakugo. He would understand…right?

You ended up needing to stay up quite late that night waiting for him to return. He always worked overtime just to get his rank higher. He was already in the top ten… why did he worry so much…?

you felt a small jolt of surprise when you heard the front door unlock, sitting up you looked over to see bakugo. Despite being right there he didn’t seem to notice you.

“Katsuki..? Can we talk real quick?” You spoke, trying to seem calm. Despite this your heart was beating like crazy, it felt like some part of you was screaming to not bring up the issues. “Hm? Oh, you’re still awake.” He replied.. yet it seemed quite delayed.

“ah- yeah… but we need to talk.” He looked over with an annoyed expression. “Not right now.” His reply… shocked you to say the least. “Katsuki. It’s important. It’ll be quick I just need to—“ he cut you off with an annoyed sigh. “I said not right now Y/N.”

“This can’t really wait for later—“ he glared. “Do you not get what *not right now* means?” He raised his voice slightly as he spoke, his eyes piercing into your softer gaze. “It’ll be quick—! I swear.” You spoke, hoping that he would take a moment to sit down and hear you out.

he rolled his eyes tilting his head back letting out a dramatic sigh. “Fine. Let’s just get this over with.” I felt a bit of relief as he accepted. I waited a moment as he sat down on the couch beside me. “The hell do you want? It’s so goddamn late.” Despite him agreeing to speak it was clear how much he didn’t want to.

“i… I was thinking, could you maybe… try spending a bit more time at home…? I know how important your hero work is to you- and I don’t want to stop you from reaching your goal but… we haven’t really spent much time together in the last few months, and— I guess I’ve been kinda lonley…?”

he stared at you, his gaze not breaking for even a second as he spoke. You looked back as you finished, expecting him to understand, but instead you were met with a rather… interesting, expression.

his expression gave off the kinda mood of *are you being serious?*

“that’s what this was about? This is what was so fucking important you just had to talk about it right now?”

what he said… it almost hurt slightly. “What…? What do you mean? I think this is something that’s pretty important.” He rolled his eyes at your response. “Tch, I get how needy you are but I can’t just throw away all my work just for you.”

“what-? I- that’s not what I’m saying-! You’re only ever home at night after I’m asleep and you’re gone once I wake up! I’m not being needy! And asking to see you at least once everyday while living in the same house is not being needy!”

his expression made it clear he was pissed off. “Do you not realise how important my work is? How important it is for me to become no.1? Or does it all not matter to you?!” You stare at him in slight shock, it was weird how much he was misunderstanding the situation.

“that’s not what I mean! I just want to spend more time with you-! If I’m going to be stuck at home all day I at least want to see someone-! Especially you!”

“I can’t just throw away my work to spend my whole day with you! My life doesn’t revolve around you!” He stood up looking down at you.

“Katsuki! That’s not what I mean-! You—“ He cut you off. “If you think I can put everything aside just for you then— you’re mistaken.” There was an awkward silence in the room for just a moment. “You should just go.” You stared at him, your eyes locked onto eachother. “What…?” “Tch— I said you should go-!”

“Katsuki— what are you talking about?!”

“…. You know damn well what I mean.”

the silence started again lasting for a good twenty seconds. You could feel the tears building up yet not spilling. “Fine.” You stood up grabbing your phone and keys walking out the door. You didn’t know what to do but just listen.

you looked at your phone for just a moment before texting your sibling, you didn’t really have anywhere to stay so you hoped they would let you crash at their place for a bit. You stare at the small screen… it was late so you could only hope they were still awake to reply. The amount of relief you felt when your screen lit up and a small notification read

..”sure.”

the next few days passed by so painfully slow. You stared at your phone most the time just hoping to see a notification from Bakugo, some sort of apology, or just a check up. nothing.

it didn’t help that he was quite a popular hero, you couldn’t even watch the news without seeing him.

after a full week past without anything from him, you realise that this was most likley an end to your relationship. All these years thrown away simply because you couldn’t handle not being near him.

you picked up your phone hesitating before sending bakugo a simple message.

“im coming over to grab my stuff. Be there in 20.”

you looked as the message sent, of course he left you on read.

despite it only being a 20 minutes drive, it felt like hours. Your mind was racing, you were nervous, scared to see him. As you walked to the front door you hesitated standing there for a good 30 seconds before finally knocking.

your heart was beating fast as the front door opened. “…come in.” He spoke. He looked more tired than ever, if anything it was a surprise he was even home. You simply nodded, stepping inside. The house looked like shit. You weren’t thinking that to be rude, it genuine looked like bakugo wasn’t doing anything to take care of it.

“y/n i—“ he was cut off staring at you, as you gave him the same glare he sent you a week ago. He averted his eyes like he was holding back tears. “Please— let’s… let’s talk about this….?”

“…what is there to talk about. You made it clear how you feel.”

“i— I had some time to think… a… a lot of time and— i- im… Tch— im fucking sorry okay?!”

you continued to stare at him, though the apology was genuine, you were scared to accept. You didn’t want things to just go back to how they were before.

“please y/n i— I didn’t realise how much I need you.. you’re so god damn important to me… i… took you for granted.”

you stayed silent staring at him. It’s not that you were being rude, you simply didn’t know what to say. You could see the desperation in his eyes but didn’t expect him to start tearing up.

“Y/n… please don’t leave me-! I.. I need you… please…” you watched as he grasped your hands tears pouring down his face as he struggled to even breath.

“im sorry for everything I said I— I had so much time to think and… I didn’t have my priorities straight! So please let’s just… let’s talk over this okay…?”

without a word you lifted a hand up wiping the tears from bakugos eyes before resting a hand on his cheek. “You’ll do better this time right…? It won’t just go back to how it was before…?”

you could see a spark in his eyes now that you finally answered. “I promise-! I— it won’t happen again just— please— don’t leave me…”

you let out a soft sigh. “I won’t leave you. And… I forgive you.” You heald onto his hands gently for just a moment before he pulled you in holding you close.

“i… don’t know how I ever took a man like you for granted.”

(end)

[halsteadlover]

Haunted

*Gif not mine credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Female!Reader.

• Requested by @lelaartt: So reader and Jay are engaged, her working as a nurse in the ICU. She gets followed by a stranger on her way home for couple of occasions (She doesn't tell anyone) as the stranger becames a main suspect in case that intelligence is dealing with. Jay completelly worried about her safety and she tells him about the stranger following her for couple of weeks.

• Warnings: stalking, cursing, blood, description of violence, brief mention of killing and rape. (Let me know if I missed something).

• Word count: 9530.

• A/N: I know this is a long ass fic and I’m so sorry please don’t come at me 😭. I’m kinda nervous because I really don’t vibe with the fic but I really hope it turned out okay. Let me know what you think and reblog, comment and like if you want. ❤️ thank you again for your support, forever grateful for it. Sending lots of love to you all xx

Your hospital shift was nothing short of exhausting.

That day there were three hospitalizations in the ICU due to a terrible accident that happened in the afternoon. Three patients, all of them brain dead. The ward was short-staffed and it was just you and another nurse, Amanda, on that shift so dealing with these three new patients, along with the other ones, was really exhausting.

After closing your locker, you removed the necklace where you hung the ring and slipped it onto the ring finger of your left hand, which you did at the end of each shift. You didn't want to risk losing it during work, you’d never forgive yourself for it so you just carried it around your neck during the shifts. You looked at it for a moment with a smile on your lips thinking back to the day Jay asked you to marry him.

You took your cell phone from the pocket of your uniform and, as you walked towards the exit, bag on your shoulders, you noticed various texts from Jay, the last one dating back to a couple of minutes prior.

From Fiancée 💍, 7:17 pm

Baby we're still dealing with a difficult case, I think I'll be late tonight. Please let me know when you get home. I love you endlessly. Be careful.

From Fiancée 💍, 7:55 pm

Baby? Are you okay?

From Fiancée 💍, 8.21 pm

Should I send a patrol to the hospital? You know I'll do it love.

You chuckled not doubting about that, you knew he would. Jay had always been very protective of you, which you wouldn't admit but loved it madly. You loved he cared about you, so much he’d leave everything and everyone to come to you if you asked him to.

From you, 8.27 pm

I'm sorry love, it's been a hard shift and I just picked up my cell phone. I'm going home now. How are you? When will you finish? You’ll come home soon, right?

You left the hospital and started walking home. It was late spring and the temperatures were finally starting to warm up a bit, allowing you to finally breathe fresh air. You really needed it after a whole day of smelling the hospital and disinfectants.

Your cell phone started ringing following a call.

“Hi baby! You really miss me that much, don’t you?” You begin, bringing your cell phone to your ear, a smile on your lips.

“I always miss you, you know that,” your fiancée answered on the other end of the phone. “Are you walking home?”.

“Yes, it's a beautiful evening and I felt like walking.”

Jay sighed. “Baby you know I don't like the idea of you walking alone in the dark, you could’ve taken a taxi or waited for me to pick you up.”

“Oh come on Jay, what’s gonna happen. I'll be home in twenty minutes,” you retorted “Where are you?”.

“I'm still in the district baby, I have to finish writing a case report and then I'm finally leaving,” you heard some noise in the background but you couldn't figure out what he was doing.

Jay continued to keep you company on the phone, refusing to leave you completely alone even though you'd insisted that he finish work so he'd get back to you soon.

You asked him about his day and he started telling you what he had done as you listened to him carefully, asking him a few questions from time to time when you didn't quite understand something. You bumped into a person and quickly mumbled an apology before walking on, quickly glancing at the man who reassured you not to worry.

“Everything okay baby?” Jay asked.

“Yeah, yeah, I got distracted and bumped into a guy, no big deal. What were you saying?”.

Suddenly an unease feeling went through your body. You tried to let it go, thinking it was just a figment of your imagination.

You clasped your hand around your purse, quickly picking up your pace when you began to hear footsteps behind you.

They were so loud you seemed to hear them only a few feet away from you.

You turned around and stopped in your tracks, looking around for a few seconds before letting out a sigh of relief.

There was no one walking behind you.

Your heart was pounding and anxiety was eating up your stomach and you forgot for a moment you were on the phone with Jay.

Stay calm, you're just tired.

“Baby? You still there?” Jay's voice brought you back to reality. “Oh yeah, sorry, I couldn’t hear you anymore.” You answered. You didn't want to make him worry about your simple and stupid feeling, you knew if you told him you had the impression someone was following you he would’ve rushed to you and acted like the world was about to end.

You were sure it was just the fatigue speaking, but your senses remained alert until you got to your apartment. You took a shower while you waited for Jay to come back home, ordering food since you knew neither of you would feel like cooking.

You were about to lower the blinds in your bedroom window when, glancing outside, you noticed a figure standing on the sidewalk in front of you.

It was too dark for you to make out who it was and for a few moments you stood paralyzed, your eyes fixed on that dark figure, trying to figure out if it was just a hallucination.

The noise of the front door opening and closing made you jump in place, nearly giving you a heart attack.

You took your eyes off that figure for just a second.

Just for a moment.

And it was no longer there.

You ran your hands over your face in frustration, letting out a deep sigh at the same time before walking over to Jay, deciding you were going to ignore it and just needed a good night's sleep.

-

The following days went on quietly and the strange episode that happened a few nights before passed into oblivion. But that was before something else weird made your skin crawl.

“Are you sure you don't want me to drive you to work babe?” Jay asked you as he planted numerous kisses on your lips, making you smile between them. It was morning and you were both in the doorway, your arms around his chest as you both struggled to pull away.

“I'm positive baby, just think about resting okay? I’ll see you tonight.”

He cupped his hands over your face, giving you one last long, sweet kiss on your lips. “I'll have dinner ready for you. You be careful. I love you so much.”

“I love you more.��

The day went on peacefully. You had to work a double shift in the hospital as the nurse on the afternoon shift was sick and had to take over her place.

You loved your job, you really did. There was nothing else you would’ve done in your life but sometimes you couldn't deny how difficult and tiring it was.

“Y/N, sweetie!” You heard the voice of your colleague, Becca, calling you from a patient’s room you'd just passed. You sighed, recognizing the tone she used when she needed something.

You took a few steps back, looking into the room and noticing Becca intent on changing the unconscious patient's dressing.

“Becca I was about to leave, why do you still want to torture me?” You whined and she rolled her eyes. “Please help me change these dressings. Pretty please, I can't wait to leave too.”

She put on the sweetest puppy face she was capable of and for the second time you sighed and rolled your eyes. You ended up disinfecting your hands, putting on a pair of gloves and helping her to change the patient’s dressings.

By the time you finished you were dead tired and couldn't wait to get back to Jay and sleep, you probably would’ve just run away if anyone else had asked you any other favor. For this reason, you practically flew out of the hospital after saying goodbye to your colleagues.

It was particularly cold that evening and you found yourself rubbing your hands on your arms in an attempt to get some warmth. Thank God you took the car that day.

You walked over to your car and grabbed the keys from your bag. Before unlocking it, you noticed an object resting on the windshield, held on it by the wiper. You furrowed your eyebrows when you realized it was a rose.

A black rose.

What the fuck?

There was no card attached to it, just the rose.

Your heartbeat began to accelerate and anxiety took over you. You tried to keep calm and not freak out since there was definitely an explanation why someone had to put a damn black rose on your car.

Maybe they were wrong, maybe it was for another person and they got mixed up with the cars.

Who the hell gives a black rose though?

Your eyes scanned the parking lot around you but you didn't notice anyone suspicious or anyone nearby watching you, before dropping the rose on the asphalt, trying not to think about it. There was definitely a mistake.

The car ride was strange.

You couldn't shake the feeling something was wrong. You kept looking in the rear view mirror to notice if there were any cars following you, you were probably just getting paranoid but you couldn't keep yourself calm.

When you parked in your usual spot once you got back home, that feeling of discomfort hadn't disappeared, on the contrary, it had increased.

The streetlights hadn't been turned on yet and it was dark enough outside so distinguishing objects or people was pretty hard.

After locking the car you were about to enter the apartment building when your gaze fell on the sidewalk in front of you.

You didn't know if it was just your imagination, but you swore there was someone standing, exactly in front of you and, despite the darkness, you were sure they were watching you.

You couldn't figure out who that person was, only that he was a man.

Your breath caught in your chest as you realized it was the same figure you'd spotted a few days earlier from your bedroom window.

The silence was almost deafening, making everything more frightening and suggestive.

Your muscles were paralyzed as your eyes seemed to be glued to that man.

Suddenly he moved and your heart almost stopped beating.

But when you saw him go away, that was the last thing you expected.

He did nothing, just walked away.

You tried to explain what was happening in your mind. Maybe it was just a coincidence, that man was there for another reason and you had nothing to do with it.

You let out a sigh you didn't realize you were holding and quickly entered the apartment building, rushing to your home where you found Jay on the couch watching a show.

That rose left you with a feeling of anxiety that you couldn't get rid of easily, also caused by that figure you saw standing in front of you. You didn't immediately tell Jay, you didn't want to worry him since you already knew how he’d react and he’d worry to death and go crazy about it.

You just wanted to be sure that something’s happening before alarming him.

But, knowing you like the back of his hand, he immediately sensed there was something strange, that something was bothering you. You tried to convince him otherwise, that you were just awfully tired after working a double shift at the hospital.

“Baby, really, I'm fine. I'm just dead tired,” you said for the hundredth time since you'd set foot inside the house.

“Are you sure? You know you can talk to me. Did someone upset you? Did something happen at work?” He kept going, thumb and forefinger under your chin to keep your head up and make you look into his eyes. Your hands slid under his shirt, caressing his chest as you placed your lips on his, trying to distract him.

“No baby, nobody did anything. Seriously, nothing happened,” you muttered against his lips, “I just missed my fiancé like hell.” You bit his bottom lip and he hissed, his breathing suddenly heavy. “Do you want to take a shower with me?”.

“Fuck yeah,” Jay had said before crashing his mouth on yours and kissing your breath away. His tongue explored every corner of your mouth as his lips moved masterfully with yours. His hands went down your body and he bent slightly before reaching your thighs, pressing his fingers against your skin and urging you to jump into his arms.

You wrapped your legs around his waist and your arms around his neck meanwhile he carried you to the bathroom, never letting go of you. As he kicked the door open, you found yourself completely lost in him, the rest of the world vanishing and all negative thoughts forgotten.

However this sensation of bliss was destined to vanish.

In the following days the feeling that was tormenting you didn’t disappear, instead it only got worse.

You started to sense someone was constantly following you and watching you, that every time you walked in the middle of the street there was someone behind you even if every time you turned around there was no one.

After finding that rose on your car, this kept happening and almost every night for two weeks a rose would appear on your windshield.

Jay knew something was wrong, you weren't acting normally anymore.

You were always jumpy, any sudden noise made you almost have a heart attack, even if you were cooking and he suddenly hugged you from behind you’d be scared to death.

Needless to say Jay asked you a million times what was going on, what was it that was bothering you so much but you didn't want to bother him. You didn't want to upset him, make him worry about some stupid feeling of yours, not when his work was already haunting him enough.

Maybe deep down you were hoping whoever was leaving you those roses would stop and eventually leave you alone.

One evening you went out with your friends, on one of your rare days off, to try to keep your mind occupied and to catch up with them since you didn't always have the opportunity because of your hectic job.

Between laughter, jokes, chatting and various cocktails, the evening went on normally and by 1:00 am each one of you went back home. You headed towards your car, parked not far from the bar where you had all met together, calm and happy for the first time in weeks.

However, this feeling of calmness faded the instant your gaze fell on a damn black rose sitting on your windshield, again.

A wave of anger took over you.

You were tired, so damn tired of this little game that whoever it was was playing against you.

Who the hell was this person? What the fuck did they want from you? Why were they targeting you?

Whoever that person was they following you, they knew what you were doing, who you were with, and it scared the shit out of you as well as infuriating you.

You tore all the petals off that rose that would haunt you forever before throwing it angrily on the asphalt and getting into the car. You started it and quickly drove away from there, intending to go home immediately.

You wanted Jay, you wanted your fiancée. You wanted to hug him, feeling safe again in his arms and forget about all that shit that was going on.

As soon as you got home, however, your heart skipped a beat when you saw Jay laying on the sofa, asleep. The TV was on and he had his cell phone resting on his stomach, holding it close in case you called him. A smile was born on your lips and for an instant all negative thoughts flew away as your attention focused on the sleeping figure on the couch.

You leaned towards him, leaving a sweet little kiss on his forehead, also gently stroking his hair with your left hand. He stirred in his sleep and opened his eyes at the same instant, looking around before looking at you, a sigh of relief to see you were back home safe and sound.

“I’m sorry I woke you up baby,” you whispered, kissing his forehead again “Let's go to bed so you can sleep again.”

He mumbled something you couldn’t catch and rubbed his eyes before flashing a smile that nearly made your knees buckle. He nodded and then stood up, stretching his arms before pulling you into a hug. “How are you my love? Did you have fun?”.

The memory of that rose returned to your mind but for some reason, seeing his eyes so red and tired, you decided not to worry him about it and you’d talk to him about it the following morning.

“Mmh,” you muttered nodding your head “I really had fun, we needed this girls night out even though I missed you a lot.”

He chuckled, placing his hands on your face and giving you a kiss on the lips. “I’m glad darling, you deserved it since you’re working so hard lately. And I missed you so much more,” he kissed you again “Come on, let's go to sleep now.”

But that night you couldn't sleep given the thousands of thoughts that were going through your head. You couldn't help but think who would do something like that, what the hell those roses meant. Was there anyone who had it in for you? Did you do something to someone? Maybe an angry patient?

You thought again and again about who could be doing this but none occurred to you. Jay told you about his cases so many times you knew that whoever did this was doing it to torture you, to keep you on your toes, to make you live in fear.

And the fact they were succeeding was infuriating you.

Fear turned into pure terror when, while checking your cell phone, you noticed a text from an unknown number.

So pretty. Can’t wait to meet you.

How did they get your number?

You were so immersed in your thoughts you didn't notice it was morning and that Jay had woken up in the meantime. He literally jumped out of bed when you told him the time after he asked you, realizing he was late. You had the afternoon shift so you didn't have to worry about getting ready for quite a while longer.

“Baby can I talk to you about something?” You had asked him, not being able to hold it in anymore even though you knew you picked up the worst time to do it.

How smart were you for wanting to talk to him about something so delicate as he was hurring to get dressed and going to work? Not much.

“Can you tell me about it later? I'm so sorry, but I'm super late…” he replied frantically as he ran from one part of the room to another looking for the keys. He stopped for a moment in front of you, placing his hands on your face, analyzing your features. “Is it something important though? If…”

You shook his head, placing your hands on his chest and giving him a reassuring smile even if anxiety was making you nauseous. “No, it's not urgent baby. I'll tell you tonight. Now go.”

He smiled at you and made sure to leave you a long, sweet kiss on your lips before saying goodbye and literally flying out of the front door.

It could wait, right?

You tried to keep yourself busy all morning, cleaning every corner of your apartment and keeping your mind from the negative thoughts.

You couldn't deny the slightest noise made you jump, even when you accidentally dropped something on the floor. You hated this feeling, you hated having to be afraid in your own home, you hated whoever was doing this to you, you hated them so fucking much.

You nearly jumped for joy when you realized it was time to get ready for work, the thought that for few hours you'd be safe made you especially happy to go to the hospital.

You took a shower before quickly putting on your uniform and packing your bag. You checked that everything you needed was there, house and car keys and hospital locker keys, a bottle of water, tissues, tampons, some snacks, pepper spray and a small knife. Jay had forced you to carry them around constantly, asserting you could never be too safe and he’d be comfortable with the thought you had something to protect you in case of need, and never as then as then you were grateful to him.

Once you left the apartment, you made sure you locked the door at least three times. The anxiety that had been living with you for weeks was now gripping your stomach, forcing you to constantly look around and keeping you alert to any individual passing by you.

You forcefully clutched your purse to you, walking briskly to your car and unlocking before climbing in and locking yourself inside. You let out a breath you didn't realize you were even holding as your eyes continued to scan the perimeter for any type of threat.

Did you already mention how much you hated this?

“It's okay Y/N, it's okay, just take it easy,” you whispered to yourself, taking a deep breath before putting on your seat belt and starting the car.

As you drove to the hospital you couldn't help but constantly look at the rear view mirror, almost as if you expected someone to be following you but they weren't, there was no car that you repeatedly noticed behind you.

Your cell phone started ringing and you took it from inside your bag, not taking your eyes off the road. Without even looking who it was, imagining for a moment it was Jay, you answered.

“Hello?”.

The smile on your lips instantly disappeared when instead of a voice you started to hear a heavy sigh, almost a pant.

“Hello?”.

You took the phone away from your ear and glanced at the screen, noting that it wasn't Jay, or anyone else you knew, but an unknown ID.

“Who is this?” You continued, hoping whoever it was would answer and maybe you'd recognize the voice. The person on the other end of the phone just kept sighing heavily, making your heart beat so hard you thought you were about to have a heart attack at any moment.

“What the fuck do you want from me?! Leave me alone!” You screamed, in the grip of fear, anxiety and anger that this person was forcing you to suffer. You closed the call and threw the cell phone on the passenger seat, not caring if it had bumped into something or was broken.

Your vision began to blur with tears fearing for your safety. They had your number. They knew where you lived. What kept them from taking you and killing you?

Your hands were shaking on the wheel as you parked at the hospital, palms sweaty. Your heart was still pounding and there wasn't a muscle in your body that didn't shake like your hands.

You took a few minutes to compose yourself, not wanting to cause questions from colleagues about the reason of your emotional state.

You took a few deep breaths and wiped your tears away, constantly telling yourself that everything was fine, that you'd be fine, that no one could hurt you in the hospital.

You never felt the need to have Jay with you like then. God you were stupid, so fucking stupid for not telling him about all of this before, for keeping everything inside you and hoping it’d eventually just go away, for underestimating what was happening. You were being stalked.

You texted him, telling him you'd arrived at the hospital and asking how his day was going, determined to tell him about the person who was stalking you as soon as you got off work.

You never thought you'd say it but you were never as glad you had a hard shift as you were that afternoon. Four patients arrived, one after suffering a stroke, two from a car accident and another after falling from the roof of his house.

The entire shift consisted of you and your colleagues running back and forth across the ward, treating patients, resuscitating them after one of them went into cardiac arrest twice. Your mind was focused on nothing but your patients and in treating them, everything else was left out of the hospital. You wouldn't let whoever was stalking you ruin your job, ever.

At the end of the shift there was no need to say you were dead tired and couldn't wait to go to sleep and although it was only 8:00 pm, the lack of sleep of the night before starting to take a toll on you.

As you placed your stethoscope in the locker and grabbed your bag, you removed your engagement ring from the chain around your neck and putted it on your finger. Your cell phone rang following a text notification and your heart skipped a beat for an instant.

The anxiety, which you managed to not to think about during the afternoon, returned stronger than ever to grip your stomach and for a moment you considered to throw the phone away.

But you thought it’d Jay and when you realized that it was indeed him, you breathed a sigh of relief. He said he'd be late that night because of a particularly difficult case and to let him know when you'd be done and went back home.

You tried to hide your sorrow, not wanting to be alone, especially in that situation.

You quickly typed a text back, asking him what he’d like for dinner, and put your cell phone in your bag. You said goodbye to your colleagues and walked towards the hospital exit.

You took a deep breath, praying to God to go home safe and sound.

Although spring had arrived it was particularly cold that evening due to the wind blowing and you cursed yourself for not bringing a jacket with you.

You walked, actually, almost ran to your car.

Anxiety was eating you alive and your heart was pounding, fear flowing like a river through your veins.

After taking the keys from your bag and unlocked the car, you quickly looked around, a sigh of relief leaving your lips when you saw no one was around you.

But suddenly the keys fell out of your hands as a slimy hand placed over your mouth and an arm around your hips.

Your bag fell to the ground as you began to squirm in an attempt to free yourself from whoever grabbed you.

Adrenaline coursed through your veins as the fear of dying made you fight like never before.

You screamed, your throat burning, even though because of the hand your scream came out muffled.

“Stop fighting it, it had to happen sooner or later, you knew it was going to happen sweetie,” A man's voice came hoarsely to your ears and you suppressed a gag.

You managed to hit his side with your elbow, hard enough to loosen his grip on you and you tried to push him away with all the strength you had in your body.

“You fucking whore!”.

You threw yourself to get the car keys on the asphalt but the man was faster than you and grabbed your arm, pressing his fingers into your skin with such force you were sure they’d leave a mark.

A searing, stinging pain radiated up your face as his fist hit you full-on, knocking you to the ground. You put your hands forward to try to cushion the fall, but it caused you scratches and minor lacerations on both your forearms.

“We're meant to be. I know you want it. I saw it.”

You glanced at him and almost fainted when after few seconds your recognized him.

You had already met him. He was the guy you bumped into two weeks ago.

What the fuck?!

He tried to grab your wrists but before forcing you to get up, you managed to kick him in his genital area, using all the strength you had in your body. A sound of pure pain escaped his mouth and he backed away, leaning forward and gripping the sore area with his hands.

You took advantage of that moment of weakness to get off the asphalt. You weren't going to let him hurt you, not anymore.

You grabbed his black hair in two fists and you didn't care about the damage you would’ve caused him, you didn't care you were a nurse, that you were supposed to be the one to treat people and not hurt them, but you kneed him in his face and the horrible noise his bones made, suggested you most likely broke his nose.

You pushed him to the ground, ignoring the way he grunted in pain and the blood pouring profusely from his nose, kicking him in the stomach with such force that even you were stunned.

You never fought in your entire life, never kicked anyone or punched someone, you hated the idea of hurting people but at that very moment your life was on the line and you had to protect yourself.

The man was laying on the asphalt grunting and muttering some curse word and you took advantage of it. You had to run away, that was your only chance.

You quickly grabbed your car keys and purse off the ground before opening the door and getting in. You locked yourself in before you started fumbling to get the vehicle going.

Your hands were shaking and your vision was still blurry from the punch he had thrown at you.

You gave him a quick look, terrified he’d get up and kill you on the spot.

You didn't know how but you managed to start the car and without even looking back you drove away from that parking lot. You knew you couldn't drive in those conditions but you just wanted to get away from that monster.

You didn't know where to go, you didn't want to go home, the terror of being attacked there would’ve killed you so you went to the place where there was the only person you wanted to see, the only one who could make you feel better, safe.

The journey to the district was awful.

Your body was driving but it was as if you were experiencing everything from the outside, as if your soul had left your body and was looking at you from afar.

You didn't know how you managed to drive and not run over anyone or crash yourself.

Your breathing was still quickening, your chest rose and fell as if you'd run a marathon, your trembling hands struggling to hold onto the steering wheel. Your vision was blurred due to copious tears flowing from your eyes and streaming down your face, not even realizing you were crying desperately.

Your face was in pain and you were sure a huge bruise would appear on your cheek, although you didn't care, grateful you were still alive, that you managed to escape.

When you arrived at the district, you didn’t care about parking your car properly, or to take your bag or lock it after getting off. You just wanted Jay.

A smile appeared on Sergeant Platt's face the moment she saw you walking up the stairs, but when she noticed the way you were running, it immediately disappeared.

“Oh my God Y/N!” she exclaimed as soon as she saw you up close. Your face was streaked with tears, an expression of pure terror and fear contouring your features, your uniform stained with dust. She ran towards you, placing her hands on your arms. “What happened to you?” She took a look at your body looking for any other injury. “Oh dear. It's okay, whatever happened you're safe here.”

You kept breathing hard and your eyes were so full of tears you could barely see her.

“Shh it's okay. Come on, let's go sit down.”

She put her arm around your shoulders as she took your hand with her free one as a sign of support. She led you into one of the break rooms, making you sit on the couch and sitting next to you.

Her hand kept squeezing yours meanwhile the other stroked your back, trying to calm you down.

“Do you want some water?” She asked and you nodded, not being able to speak at the moment. Trudy got up and ran to get a bottle of water.

She handed it to you after opening the cap and it broke her heart to see the way you were shaking. “T-thanks,” you stammered, your chest shaking with sobs. “J-Jay.”

“I'm going to call him right away, don't move from here,” she said, seeing the way you needed him. She got up and ran upstairs, where Intelligence was still busy working on the case.

Everyone turned to the sergeant, who was at the top of the stairs with an expression that did not bode well. “Trudy, did something happen?” Voight asked as soon as he saw her but her gaze fell on Jay, who was standing by the whiteboard, arms folded across his chest.

“Jay… It's Y/N…” She spoke, saying nothing else. “She's downstairs now…”

Jay's eyes widened at the sergeant's words, his eyebrows furrowed in an expression of worry and fear. He knew something was up, by the way Platt looked at him and a wave of anxiety hit him, his mind now focused only on you.

Without even letting her finish the sentence, he quickly moved away from the others, running down the stairs, almost tripping on his feet. Trudy followed him, giving no explanation to the rest of the team who just exchanged a worried look.

“Where's she?” he asked hurriedly and Trudy pointed him to the room you were in.

He burst into the room and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw you sitting on the sofa but immediately worrying when he saw the state you were in. Trudy closed the door behind him, leaving you two alone and not giving any other cops a chance to snoop.

You had your elbows resting on your knees, your hands on your face as your leg bounced up and down almost obsessively.

“Baby!”.

His voice made you snap your head to him and before you knew it, you were rushing into his arms, squeezing yours around his torso with so much force you were almost afraid he’d disappear.

Jay was surprised for a moment but immediately returned that hug, wrapping his arms around your shoulders and hugging you like he never did. He had no idea what had happened, but whatever it was he knew it was serious and that was enough to make his heart race.

“I'm here baby, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. It's okay,” he whispered, placing a kiss on your head, stroking your hair. You cried in his arms, with relief because he was finally there with you.

His heart sank as he heard you cry like that, feeling helpless like never before. You kept shaking and, without even knowing anything, Jay promised himself whoever had done this to you was a dead person.

“Baby you're making me worry to death. Please talk to me,” his voice coming out desperately. You broke away from his embrace, but still remained very close to him. “Darling, look at me. What happened?”.

His hands rested on your face and inevitably on the bruised cheek. You winched in pain and this didn't escape Jay, who was on the verge of losing his mind by then. “Y/N. Look at me,” he urged and you did as he said, lifting your head and making eye contact with him.

His breath caught in his chest as his gaze fell on the clear purple bruise on your cheek.

“What the fuck? Y/N…” he stammered, an incredulous and horrified look on his face as he looked at you. He took his hand away from your wounded cheek, placing two fingers under your chin and turning your head to inspect it better. “Shit baby… What happened? Who did this to you?”.

His heart was pounding in his chest and as his eyes looked at every single inch of that bruise that lined your cheek, every single cell in his body lit up with rage. Seeing the desperation on your face, the look of pure terror with which you were looking at him, the way your eyes were so full of tears, Jay felt as if he had stabbed and someone had twisted the knife over and over again.

“I-I… H-he…” you stammered meaninglessly, sobbing between words clearly still unable to speak.

“Oh baby come here,” he hugged you again, this time even harder than he had before. “My beautiful princess. It's okay, it's okay, you're safe now do you hear me? You're safe.” He tried to comfort you “I'm here now, I'm here. You’re not alone anymore and I will never let anyone hurt you again. You’re safe with me my love.”

“I-I was…” another sob “So… S-so scared…” you cried into his shirt, wetting it with your tears.

“I know, my baby, I know,” he whispered, placing lots of little kisses on your head. “I'm so sorry. It wasn't supposed to happen, not to you. But you're safe now, I'm here with you, you’re safe with me.” He kept repeating to you.

You both sat on the couch and he continued to hug you indefinitely, holding you and cradling you in his arms until you calmed down. “Sorry,” you muttered, your voice weak as you pulled away from his embrace, gesturing at his tear-stained t-shirt.

“Don’t even say it,” he replied. He raised his hand and stroked your hair, tucking it behind your ears as you kept your gaze on your hands. He was about to continue speaking when his eyes fell on the bruises on your arm, visible outside of your uniform.

His fingers lifted the sleeve to take a better look of the bruises on your skin. He immediately understood they were finger markers, a sign that someone had violently grabbed your arm.

“Oh darling,” he whispered, shattered at the sight of those horrible marks on your beautiful skin “What have they done to you?” His fingers caressed you gently, being careful not to hurt you further.

He was furious, like he had been a few other times in his life, and he still hadn't heard the story.

“Tell me what happened, please.”

You sighed and with still trembling voice, started talking. You told him about everything, about the roses, about the feeling of being followed, about the text, about the call and about the man who attacked you, the fact you already saw him for few seconds weeks prior, how he hit you and how you defended yourself.

“Why the hell didn't you tell me about it sooner?!” Jay snapped, when you finished speaking “This was never going to happen dammit! I would’ve killed that fucking son of a bitch.”

He leapt to his feet, running his hands over his face and pacing around the room. He didn't want to pick on you, it wasn't your fault and he knew it, but he was so damn angry, so angry you had to go through this, that he wasn't there to protect you.

His eyes landed on you noticing how yours quickly filled with tears again at his words and the tone of voice he used. “No, no, no baby, don't cry,” he rushed over to you, kneeling in front of you and wiping away the tears with his thumbs. “I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to blame you. It's not your fault, please don't cry.”

His hands rested on your knees as you looked at him with sad, broken eyes, making his heart break over and over again. “You’re right I should have told you about it…”

“No, baby, don't get this into your head okay? It's not your fault, I’m so sorry for snapping like that I’m just so fucking furious for what that piece of shit did to you. It’s his fault, he hurt you and make you go through all of this. I hate you had to go through this alone and I wasn’t there to help you,” He sighed “I knew something wasn't right, I should have…” Jay stopped his eyes suddenly widening as you looked at him confused.

“Oh my god, that's… That's what you wanted to tell me this morning, isn't it?”. You didn't answer, effectively giving him the answer he needed.

Jay scrambled to his feet again, as if he'd just been given an electric shock. “Fuck!” He tried to keep control but you jumped as he kicked a chair in anger before placing his hands on the table and bowing his head, his back towards you.

“Jay…” you mumbled, standing up and walking towards him. You placed a hand on his back even though he didn't move from that position.

“It's my fault, this…” he choked on his own words “If I had stopped and listened to you this morning… Shit… It shouldn't have happened… I’m so sorry…”

“Hey, hey, no baby,” you interrupted him “Don't be hypocritical and tell me to not blame me and then do the same.”

He turned his head to you and it broke your heart to see his eyes full of tears. “I was late Y/N… I… This happened to you because I didn't stop for five fucking minutes to listen to you!”.

“Jay, listen to me,” you spoke to him softly. You lightly pulled his arm, causing him to straighten his back. You cupped your hands over his face, stroking his cheeks. “It's that crazy bastard's fault okay? Not yours, not mine.”

“If something happened to you… God…”

“No. Let's not do this. No ifs and buts. I'm here and I'm fine, I was scared shitless, I'm still scared shitless, but I'll be fine. You’re here with me and you’re all I need baby. These are just bruises and they'll be gone in a couple days,” you croaked “You should’ve seen how he looked then.”

He sighed before letting out a chuckle though the tears, hugging you for the third time, his hand stroking your hair. “We'll get him okay? And I'll fucking make him pay for what he did to you.”

You and Jay went upstairs, not wanting to let you disappear from his sight for even a second, after reassuring Trudy and telling her what had happened. Needless to say, she threatened to kill the bastard herself if Jay didn't. The way he answered told you that there was no need and that he’d certainly sort it out.

“I'll get you some ice for the bruise,” Kim had offered. The rest of the team didn't take it quite well either and Voight promised you they’d catch the bastard who hurt you. You and Jay had been together for a long time and you were part of the group now, an attack on one of them was an attack on all of them.

“Thank you,” you thanked her with a warm smile, placing the bag of ice on your face. The cold sent a rush of shivers up your spine.

“Come on baby, let's go in the break room,” Jay had said, his hand resting on your lower back. However, your gaze fell on the white board on which various photos and sentences were hung.

At first you didn't notice, but when your eyes saw a particular photo, you did a double take, stopping in your tracks and lowering the hand that was holding the ice.

“Baby? Are you okay?” Jay immediately asked alarmed, then following the direction of your gaze. “Oh. That's the case we're investigating.”

The photo just on the blackboard wasn't clear enough, it was a frame taken from a surveillance video but you could distinguish the features of the man it portrayed.

You stopped breathing for a second and your mind retraced in those brief moments your aggression, still fresh and imprinted in your memory.

“Y/N?” Jay pressed, worried about your reaction as his hand caressed your back.

“It-it… Jay…” you breathed out “It's him…”

“What?!” Jay's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets and everyone in the unit couldn't mask their surprise.

“It was him… H-he attacked me… Oh god…”

Your hands start shaking again and you thanked that Jay was there to hold you or you would’ve probably collapsed on the floor.

Your eyes moved from that frame to the other hanging photos. There were four photos depicting four different women, more or less your age and similar in appearance to yours. Alongside these were other photos portraying instead what were unmistakably the victims’ bodies.

You were in complete shock.

What were the odds that the man stalking you was the same Jay was investigating on?

“C’mon let’s go,” Jay put his arm around your shoulders, leading you to the break room and closing the door behind him.

You weren't even crying. You were just completely shocked.

“Jay… He…” you stammered as if you were having trouble coordinating your thoughts. He put both of his hands on your shoulders.

“Baby, just breathe okay? Do it with me, take a deep breath.”

You shook yourself out of his grip, now in a panic. How could you calm down?

“He was… He would’ve killed me Jay, like… Like those women… Holy shit…” you continued to babble. You couldn't believe it. You understood that bastard was to be locked up somewhere, but you never, ever imagined he was a serial killer, that he’d done that before to those poor women. What if you didn't fight? What if he managed to overpower you?

Jay closed his hands into a fist, pressing his nails into his palms in an attempt to let out even a tiny bit of the anger, rage and fear he was feeling at the moment.

He didn't even want to imagine it, the thought was enough to make him sick. He didn't want to imagine what could happen to you. He run the risk of losing you forever without even realizing it.

Jay couldn't exist in a world where you weren't there. He couldn't even pass the idea of not having you next to him, the pain from this thought alone was unbearable and it was enough to make his heart shatter to pieces. Damn it, he asked you to marry him, you were his fiancée, his soon to be wife, the future mother of his children. You had to start a family together, buy a bigger house to raise your children and you’d live and grow old together, forever.

He couldn't accept some son of a bitch threatened to take you away from him, the most beautiful person he'd ever met, the love of his life, his anchor and his salvation.

“What happened to those women?” You asked, afraid to hear the answer.

“Baby…”

“No Jay, please, just… Just tell me. What happened to them?”.

Jay took a deep breath, knowing that telling you would only make you feel worse. “No, love. Listen to me now,” he walked over to you, placing a hand on your healthy cheek and stroking your skin with his thumb. “Don't torture yourself like this, it won't do you any good to know, please trust me. You were so brave and you managed to knock out that son of a bitch and now you're here with me, safe, so just think about this okay? I beg you. I don't even want to think about what happened to those poor women, I don't want to think something like that could’ve happened to you and I don't want you to think about it either.”

He was right. You didn't want to know, sometimes it was better to live in the unknown.

“I'm so proud of you,” he whispered, kissing your forehead as his fingers wiped away your tears with excruciating delicacy. “I would’ve died if anything had happened to you baby, I love you so, so fucking much. I couldn't have survived without you.”

“I love you so much Jay,” you too replied in a whisper before sharing a soft, sweet kiss, your nerves starting to finally calm down. “What happens now?”.

“You’ll stay here and we’ll continue to work non-stop until we catch that bastard.”

“Are you sure I can stay here?”.

“Is this even a question?” He looked at you as if you were an alien “Yes baby, of course you can. You have stay here. I need to know you're safe or I won't be able to think of anything else and I know nothing can happen to you if you’re here. If you need anything call me and I’ll be here okay? Try to get some rest, and put ice on your cheek.”

You nodded, knowing that even you wouldn't feel safe anywhere else but there in the district.

After sitting on the small sofa in the break room you eventually fell asleep, tired and worn out from the shift, the day's events and the lack of sleep from the previous night.

Jay and the rest of the team worked nonstop to try and locate the suspect whose name was still unknown. After learning you had hit his nose and you had probably broken it, they called the hospitals in the area and within a radius of about 20km – deducing he wouldn’t be so stupid to go to the hospital where you worked – with the hope that he’d go to get treated.

This hope turned out to be a reality when Kevin was told by a hospital just outside the city that there was a patient matching the description who was still there waiting to be treated for his broken nose.

When Jay went into the break room to warn you they'd found a lead, his heart skipping a beat seeing you asleep. Your head was resting on the back of the couch, your arms folded across your abdomen as your chest slowly rose and fell.

A sad smile spread across his face as he approached you with silent steps, his chest tightening at the sight of that horrible bruise on your cheek. As his eyes roamed on your body, he then noticed some scratches on your forearms and his stomach dropped again for the thousand time that night. He’d never forgive himself for not being able to help you, for failing to realize sooner what was happening, allowing someone to hurt you, he was hating himself for not being there to protect you.

He decided not to wake you up and he leaned over you, gently stroking your hair and tucking a strand behind your ear that had fallen in front of your face. He kissed your forehead, taking an extra second to savor the moment, grateful to still being able to do it.

“I love you so much my baby,” he whispered, “Everything will be okay, I promise you.”

After telling Trudy to stay by your side and never leave you alone, he headed towards the hospital where the suspect was supposed to be, his blood boiling with anger, his hands shaking with the frenzy of being able to have that son in his hands.

The stalker, however, after seeing the cops coming, didn't hesitate for a second to run away. Jay chased after him, determined not to let him get away.

“Chicago PD! Stop now!” Jay shouted as he quickly descended the emergency stairs and followed the man, skipping a few steps at a time in an attempt to reach him first. The fact the man was injured went to his advantage as Jay took the opportunity to jump on his back, causing both of them to fall heavily to the ground.

Jay's vision immediately blurred with anger.

He punched him in the face, using all the strength he had in his body to hurt him. “Son of a bitch!” He exclaimed through clenched teeth, punching him again and again. He didn't care about anything, he didn't care about the consequences there could be. He just wanted to see him suffer, to see him writhe in pain and fear, just the way you did.

“You made a fucking mistake tonight,” Jay spat, standing up and grabbing him by the collar of his shirt, lifting him up like a sack of potatoes before slamming him heavily against the wall. The man coughed, letting out sounds of pain even if Jay couldn't care less. “You'll wish you’d never met her when I'm done with you, you worthless piece of shit.”

He hit him in the face with another punch, not caring about the blood splattered on him after each blow.

He didn't even realize he wasn't alone anymore. Voight was there and watched the scene without batting an eyelid. He deserved it, he deserved everything Jay would do to him, not just for you but also for those poor women who weren’t lucky enough to survive. He knew there was no way to stop him, even if he wanted to, especially since you were involved.

Jay hit the man's head against the wall, then pushing him to the ground. He approached him and without any mercy and without even acknowledging the man's suffering, he kicked him in the stomach.

“Fuck…” the man murmured weakly.

“Look at me you son of a bitch!” Jay cursed, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt again and punching him in the face. “You thought it was fucking fun to hurt my fiancée?!”.

Another strong punch.

“Answer me!” He shouted, knowing he’d not receive a response.

Jay had completely lost control.

His mind was only picturing your wounded and tear-stained face, your terrified expression, your eyes full of tears, the bruises on your arm, on your face, the scratches, the way you hugged him so tightly because of the terror you felt, the fear you must have felt in those weeks.

“You thought you’d get away with it huh?! Making my future wife's life a fucking hell?!” He growled again, kicking this time the man’s face. “Making her scared of her own fucking shadow?!”.

Another kick in the stomach.

He was about to kill him and he didn’t give a fuck.

He bent over the man who was then barely breathing. “Did you like putting your useless dirty hands on my girl, huh?” he hissed as his foot stepped on one of the man’s hand with so much force until he heard his screams and his bones cracking.

He didn't move anymore, now unconscious and covered in his own blood.

Voight intervened at that point, not even knowing if he was alive or not. “That's okay Jay, calm down now.” He placed his hands on his shoulders, pulling him away from the unconscious man. Jay was breathing heavily, as if he had just run a marathon, his angry eyes still focused on the bastard lying on the ground.

“Now get away from here. Go out from the emergency exit and drive back to your fiancée, you were always there with her okay? I’m sure she needs you now.” Voight had ordered him but Jay didn't respond at first. “Halstead.”

At that point Jay focused his gaze on his boss and nodded feebly, casting one last glance at the stalker before walking away.

He wiped his face and hands with a handkerchief he had found in the car, trying to ignore the pain in his swelled hand, his knuckles red.

He never regretted what he did.

He had always condemned the brutal ways some cops used, like his own boss did sometimes, but in that moment he didn't stop to think about how he’d not hesitate even a second to do it again and make suffer anyone who’d hurt you.

When it came to you he’d lose his mind, his judgment clouded. You were the most important person in his life, the most precious of treasures, and he’d protect you with his own life if he could, if it meant keep you safe forever. It may have seemed an exaggeration, it may have seemed crazy, but he didn't care, God, he would’ve burn the entire city to the ground if it meant protecting you.

And as he drove to the district, eager to see you again, only one thought ran through his mind: how much he regretted not making that piece of shit suffer more.

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[animeyanderelover]

Chrollo and avatar!fem!reader, please 😭😭

Fun fact: I have never watched Avatar The Last Airbender before. I only watched some episodes during my childhood when the show aired on TV so do forgive me if I got something wrong.

Tw: Yandere themes, possessive behavior, obsession, manipulation, stalking, blackmailing, isolation, abduction, murder, fem! s/o

Taglist: @jamayah @chxxz @leveyani @cynniical @shenryu-sama @maggiequinn59

Avatar reader

📖​The Avatar, the embodiment of peace and light. And you, chosen as the next reincarnation who will master all four elements to eventually surpass all other bender and bring with you balance and harmony. Yet when the world needed the Avatar the most, she disappeared. This is the tale passed down through generations, a tale reminiscent of the contents you would find inside a children's book. The world offers much that is still left to be discovered and every tale always has a grain of truth in it. It's through the words of a dying monk who used to be your teacher that Chrollo receives a taste of the fascination that will one day bring with it an obsession. Fickle candlelight symbolising the life about to extinct, half of his face dipped into darkness as apathetic eyes watch with a strange sense of curiosity the skinny man. Bedridden and blind yet with a soul far wiser than many people Chrollo has ever met, milky eyes unable to see yet still able to perceive the harbinger of chaos and death sitting right next to him in the last minutes of his life. Chrollo only slightly bemoans that he is not able to steal the Nen of the wise monk yet he leaves with a treasure much more precious in the end.

📖​Fools have been chasing after legends and its promised treasures for millenia and perhaps from the outside it may appear as if Chrollo is faring no better yet he doesn't wish for the truth to be handed out to him on a silver plate. There is enjoyance he finds within the hunt, each little hint he discovers only adding to the anticipation. Other treasure, whilst satisfying him for brief moments, do not fulfill him. It is you who he desires most to find and to claim for you hold secrets and powers that he wishes to have for himself. Dedication and patience are virtues Chrollo practices each and every day as time passes in leaps, days turning into weeks and weeks into months. Until one day he finally finds what he has been seeking for such a long time. A short hint of melancholy is on his face as she strides over to the wall of ice you are frozen into, tiny needles of coldness stabbing into his skin as he lays his palm against the frozen material separating him from you. It's strange. Both of you have never met before yet finally seeing you feels almost like meeting an old friend he hasn't seen in years. If only you would know how long he has searched and waited for you.

📖​Asleep for an entire century only to be thrown into a world who is in many aspects still the same yet simultanously so different. You are unprepared when you are woken up from the slumber you accidentally put yourself into, the only companion from old times still left being your flying bison. There are many unfamiliar faces that surround you as soon as you open your eyes and with no living peers left and awake in a world you fail to understand you find yourself attempting to befriend those new people with an underlying sense of desperation and loneliness. It's those emotions that Chrollo intends to use against you, luring you innocent butterfly in his spider's net to trap you and devour you. You're alone, you're scared and you're vulnerable even if you may hide it under your reckless and humorous facade. There is none of the wise intuition in you that your deceased teacher possessed which would have made everything more difficult for Chrollo. Animals have always had a keen intuition though so it is your flying bison that greatly distrusts him, sensing the demon's hands trying to touch it. Truly a shame for it is such a majestic creature. He wonders just what price he'd get for this species.

📖​It is like watching a child discover the world around it, only that he is dealing with a grown adult. You have an adventurous and free spirit much like the wind, frequently taking detours much to the annoyance for some of the other members of the troupe. Chrollo asks them all for patience though for you are much too precious and interesting to be thrown away right away. Years he has searched for you so he does not intent to steal your abilities right away. No, he intends to get to know the real you and not the you in all the old books and stories that he has sought out over time. He's fascinated with your soul, so young and yet so old and the connection with your previous lives that slumber somewhere within you. So he allows your shenanigans for he needs to gain your full trust, listens intently whenever you're willing to share your stories from your childhood and your time spent with the monks who raised you and trained you. Hide it as much as you may, he spots that hint of guilt and sadness as the knowledge that all the people that you treasured have been dead for years is a weight heavy to carry. Your pain is the path he needs to get closer to you though so he wishes for you to dwell in your sorrow.

📖​Your mindset is one that he is not able to understand and it only draws him closer to his nearing obsession. Raised by monks you were taught that all life is precious, a lesson he has never heard before. After all he grew up in Meteor City where humans were equal to trash. To be abandoned, neglected and forever forgotten about. Yet here you are, telling him that all life is equally worth? It is amusing yet Chrollo knows that reality is rarely as pretty as the ideals you believe in. A part of him wishes to drag you down that corrupted path, to destroy your beliefs and see your conviction shatter under the weight of reality. Another part of him almost wishes to shelter such purity so you may always remain naive and believe in your lessons passed down by your teachers. Such power as you possess is truly not fit for one unwilling to yield it. There is no conflict won through words and hopes as corruption and violence will always follow. Chrollo has observed humans long enough to realise that only few are as foolish as you are. The foolish ones are usually always the first ones to die as they are the ones who are trampled on, nothing more as a stepping stones for others.

📖​He's been the hand holding you and guiding you ever since you awoke from your sleep and now this very hand is unwilling to let go, clutching tightly to you as it drags you with it. You will not leave his side. Years he has invested and dedicated to find you and now that Chrollo finally has you he finds himself unable to get rid of you. You are the missing piece of his puzzle, the air he needs to breathe, the fire that warms him, the water that sustains his life, the earth that stabilises him. It is no longer a want but a need that is now driving him. He needs you with him. Now. Tomorrow. Forever. Whilst he is no fervent believer in God or the holy faith even Chrollo can't deny how truly ironic it is that the person who is the answer to so many of his questions was frozen in time only for him to find her. Actions need to be made fast for you progress much too fast with your bending abilities. Whilst you lack experience still and haven't yet mastered your entire powers Chrollo does not wish to risk a confrontation with you though he knows that you could never harm him or any of the other members. After all the Phantom Troupe are the first friends you made after being freed from the ice you were kept in.

📖​Haven't you always been secretly burdened by the fate chosen for you without you ever having been able to decide for yourself? Haven't you always secretly wished to be normal like everyone else? You've shared your insecurities and wishes with Chrollo, revealed bits of your heart to him which he greedily clutches to his own empty chest as every secret of yours fulfills him a bit more. You've shared your pain and your guilt with him and now he offers you to free you from all those chains tying you up. His Nen ability should be able to remove the Avatar spirit from you. He can give you the freedom you have always wished for secretly. To your own lament you recognise his true colours much too late, your heart weeping as you see the Phantom Troupe in their full capabilities. The kindness they have shown you and the love that Chrollo has fed you with have all been real yet were only parts of their true selves you find yourself now confronted with. You see them as no monsters though as most people would deem them, your eyes instead only seeing lost souls who have wandered on the wrong path. You wish to save them somehow yet deep down you know that they have all already chosen their paths.

📖​Only then does Chrollo reveal his true self to you, a merciless and apathetic man who sees humans no different to puppets. You will not escape him. Not now after he has finally found the heart he has been missing all along in you. He blackmails you, tugs at your heartstrings as he knows how deeply you care for him and his troupe yet he also frightens you as he threatens to involve innocent people and even dares to threaten Appa, your treasured friend. He truly doesn't wish to fight you and he already knows that you are no fighter yourself, prefering a pacifistic solution. Even if you should narrowly escape the net of the spider though as you flee with Appa know that you will never be truly free. Chrollo will hunt you down, follow every trace of you and burn down entire cities until he has you once more. You can run but you can't hide forever. Not from him. Even if he shouldn't find you in this life he is willing to step into truly forbidden territory. If the soul of the first Avatar has been able to be reincarnated then there is a chance that he might be able to reincarnate his soul with yours as well. Little spider, he will chase after you even after death, his soul always chasing after yours.

[chappellroansdreamgirl]

good luck, babe! [e.w x fem!reader.]

chapter one.

author's note!<3 - this is inspired by chappell roan's unreleased song good luck, babe! i lllloooovveee chappell roan! this was originally going to be just a LONG ASS one-shot but i don't think i can write any more tonight 😭😭 . BUT I REALLY WANNA PUBLISH IT SO HOPEFULLY YOU GUYS LIKE IT!!!! also forgive me if there's any grammar/spelling errors... i'm posting this at 12:59 am🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶 . reblogs and comments are SO appreciated!!! i busted my ass for y'all 🤗 .

content warnings - SLIGHT angst, reader has internalized homophobia and is outright homophobic to ellie, reader is in the closet, ellie is a lovergirl and she's going through the five stages of grief, modern!au, reader gets sexually assaulted/harrassed, LET ME KNOW IF I MISSED ANYTHING ELSE!!!!

special thanks to!!!!: @sharkfemme and @dykedearest FOR HELPING ME OUT!!!!!! and also LYNN AND MAXIM!!! ALL FOUR OF YOU ARE AMAZING BETA READERS I'M KISSING YOU ALL THROUGH THE PHONE RN!!!

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it's fine, it's cool.

ellie's grip on her glass got impossibly tighter as her eyes never left your figure, your body swaying to whatever shitty mainstream pop music that was playing.

ellie williams hated secrets. she hated surprises, and she hated being in love with you.

she hated the way you would ghost her after spending a week at her apartment. she hated the way you would stop responding to her texts after you would leave. she hated the way she would let you back in when you needed her, she hated how much she loved to comfort you. she hated how gentle you were when it was just the two of you, compared to how cruel you got in public.

you can say that we ain't nothin' when you know the truth.

ellie took her hand off the glass and gripped the bar table instead, afraid that if she broke another glass she'd be banned from the bar.

you were like forbidden fruit to her, or maybe that was what she was to you.

she knew you weren't ready to come out of the closet. she understood that. so, why keep on playing this fucking game with her?

why did she even still feed into it?

i guess i'm, the fool.

the closet was made out of glass, really. you would stare at every woman's body that passed you, your eyes would scan up their short dress, she could see the curiosity and desire in your face.

but every single time after you two would hook up, there was always a new excuse.

"i'm not a fucking lesbian, ellie. i just... don't like men sometimes." sometimes?

"they're just stupid thoughts... it's not like i could ever be with a woman." but you had been. you had been with her.

"ok but... do you even count as a woman? you wear boxers, you don't even know the meaning of the term ladylike and... i don't know- look at your fuckin' hair! the closest you'd get is a transwoman." that one had hurt her. she didn't talk to you for a month after you made that comment. and then you appeared in her apartment complex hallway, sobbing hysterically.

and of course, she took you back.

like she always does.

with her arms out like an angel, through the car sun-roof.

she hated playing this fucking game with you. it was killing her.

every single time she'd see you at this bar, she imagined you dragging her onto the dancefloor. she imagined being able to walk out with your hand in her's, waking up to your groggy groans when the sun invaded the sacred space of your shared bedroom, you'd hide your face in her neck, mumbling something about, "shouldn't have drank that much last night."

every single time you pulled this shit on her, it felt like her already shattered heart broke off into impossibly tinier pieces.

"i wish you were a boy." crack.

"it's not easy for me like it is for you, els. i don't know the first thing about being proud of myself." crack.

"this hurts me more than you, baby." shattered. her heart was shattered.

it hurts you more than her?

the fucking audacity.

the nights she spent crying next to your sleeping figure.

the hours she'd spent texting you and checking her phone second after second after goddamn second.

the way she would ignore every single obligation she had to pick you up from whatever shit-hole situation you had found yourself in, immediately and happily dropping anything to make sure you were ok.

and it hurt you more than it hurt her?

you didn't know shit about hurt. about misery. about love.

i don't wanna cut it off!

her friends had told her to cut you off. her therapist said in his own professional shrink way that you would never be good for her. at least not while you weren't even good for yourself.

but she couldn't let you go. it seemed like every reason that she had to leave you, fuelled her determination to stay.

but you don't wanna call it love!

every single time you somehow broke her heart in a new way, she fell harder in love with you.

you just wanna love someone that calls you baby!-

ellie was pulled out of her internal anger when your eyes met hers. although it was only a few seconds ago, it felt like she was staring into your eyes for an eternity.

don't fuckin' wave, ellie. look away- LOOK AWAY. , she thought to herself as she was unable to look away from your beautiful irises.

you had this slight smile on your face, the dancefloor's led lights adding a shimmer to your already twinkling eyes.

it felt like her melancholy thoughts had lifted and increased all at the same time by the sight of you acknowledging her presence.

ellie went against her better judgement, her slender hand flying up to wave at you. her lips quirked upwards gently as she scanned your delighted face.

your light expression quickly turned into one of frustration, suppressing your grin with a tightening of your lips before pulling the nearest man close to you in for an unexpected kiss, opening your eyes once you knew the mystery man's were closed, locking your eyes onto ellie's before closing them once more.

the light had died in ellie's stomach after that. her happy hand that was raised in the air faltered painfully back to her side as she watched the man's hands roam down from your sides... to your waist... to your ass.

you can kiss a hundred boys in bars,

those butterflies that she had just felt in her tummy had died slowly, turning into knots of anguish.

she watched your hands cradle the man's face. those same hands that had counted each and every freckle on her face on a snowy morning that had you both stranded in her apartment.

those same hands that had a death-grip on her back as you sobbed into her shoulder every other weeknight as she tried to muffle her own cries.

those same hands that had shoved her violently as she finally tried to stand her ground one afternoon you showed up knocking on her door. "you know what... fuck you, ellie! i don't know why i keep on doing this shit with you anyways." you said, before storming off. you called her later that night. she answered. "i'm sorry, els. i'm sorry, i'll do better, i'm so sorry-" , "it's ok, baby. it's ok. i know you didn't mean it. you're ok baby, i forgive you."

shoot another shot, try to stop the feeling!

she would've stayed in that seat, stewed in her anger for a bit more before the tears inevitably came falling down if it wasn't for the way the dude's hands creeped under your skin-tight jeans and how you flinched away from his grasp, breaking the kiss immediately with a nervous giggle creeping up.

the guy obviously took it as an invitation to do more, placing his hand back on your waist and agressively pulling you closer.

you can say it's just the way you are,

ellie's head tilted as she watched this go down.

what she wanted to do was launch that creep into the nearest wall and make sure he never tainted your body again. but she didn't want to get up too soon, she wanted to be certain that you needed help, whether you wanted it or not.

your hand stopped him from coming any closer, placing it right before his chest. you said something along the lines of, "don't want to do anything." .

make a new excuse, another stupid reason-

instead of him being a decent human being and leaving you alone, his face quickly turned into one of anger. his jaw jutted out as he tried to pull you in again, leaving you thrashing against his body.

how was no one else seeing this? why was no one else doing anything?!

she didn't even have time to process what she was about to do. her feet were on the ground, marching their way towards you before she could even think about her course of action in a smart way.

"let me go, fuckin' creep!" she heard you shriek as she grew closer to you, attempting to elbow him in the chest.

ellie felt like no matter how fast she was walking, she would never make it to you in time.

he laughed tauntingly as he grinded against. "i'm the creep, bitch?! you kissed me f-"

his last word was stolen from him as ellie forcefully pushed him off you with and landed a blow against his nose.

he groaned in pain, falling to the ground as he cradled his now-broken-nose.

you gasped in shock and horror. "what the fuck, ellie?!" you scolded her. as if you would've been fine on your own.

she ignored your words though, pulling the guy's hand away as she forced another punch to his face.

now people were finally looking.

she didn't stop until she felt your hands on her stomach, pulling her away from the scene.

"she fuckin'... said... no!..." ellie's voice thundered, erratic breaths in between her words before bringing one last painful kick to his face before letting you lead her out of the bar and into the night air.

you didn't stop even after you two were at the entrance door of the establishment, you made sure the two of you were far enough away that ellie wouldn't be caught if the police were called.

she couldn't help but feel those stupid fucking butterflies again as your hand gripped hers and felt a little disappointed when you dropped it, suddenly all too aware that you were still in public.

her green eyes met your own, yours filled with anger and chaos... hers filled with love.

"hey, swan." the auburnette sighed out simply, that stupid love-grin back on her face as she was finally close to you.

your eyebrows furrowed in disbelief as your hands went to massage your temples. you let out a humorless giggle. "you're so... fucking stupid, ellie!" you exclaimed, shoving her chest as if she was in the wrong.

her grin turned into a confused frown as she surrendered her hands in the air, her eyebrows mirroring your own now. "wh-wh....what-"

good luck, babe!

"god, you have this severe goddamn saviour complex or some shit!... i was fine! i was fucking fine on my own before you marched in and assaulted that guy."

well good luck, babe!

you gaslighted beautifully, defending the man you knew nothing about over the woman who was fatally in love with you, she almost believed you.

ellie's frown turned into an angry smile as she brought a hand to gently wipe over the bridge of her nose, a mannerism of her's she had developed whenever she got frustrated with you.

"assau-... ok, sure-... you wanna talk about assault, baby? that fuckin' guy would've assaulted you if i didn't step in. he was assaul-"

you shut your eyes tightly the way you do when you wanted to block something out that ellie was obviously right about. you shook your head stubbornly. "gggoddd ellie- it was my fault! i wanted it and then i didn't. i shouldn't have- i shouldn't have kissed him in the first place. i gave him mixed signals, i-"

you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling!-

your eyebrows grew dangerously closer to your face as you cradled your head in your hands.

ellie was quick to walk right back to you, caressing your arms.

"what? baby, no. no, it's not your fault... that- that fuckin' guy... hey... look at me, sweetheart." she cooed lovingly.

good luck, babe!

you slowly brought your hands away from your face, meeting her breathtaking green eyes.

you wanted to fall into her arms, you wanted to thank her for coming to your rescue and kiss her and confess to her how scared you truly were.

but you didn't. you never did.

your slightly calm expression that came over you once you met your secret lover's gaze turned into one of annoyance. ellie was, like always, taken by surprise as you thrashed against her grip, just like the way you did with that monster in the bar.

good luck, babe!

ellie's eyes blurred with tears as she watched your face turn into a grimace.

"fuck you, ellie." you said quietly as you broke free from her hands, storming off into the night. leaving her. like always.

you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling.

[jenscx]

no but minji is lowkey talking this TOO far😭 like girl, i completely understand you being hurt that gf didn’t talk to you for the longest time after her company came out that she was dating some other idol, i get that. AND THEN hearing about a bet on ur relationship, minji deserves to play hard to get as long as she wants BUT DAMN… the relationship between y/n and winter was confirmed fake by y/n the SAME day she texted gf minji back and she’s been on her knees begging for forgiveness ever since😧

atp, does minji miss her or not? cause going around w another idol PUBLICLY (did y/n and winter even have couples photos bro😭) and then saying the relationship was nothing and that y/n is nothing TO YOU, is insane😧😞 bestie best be giving up and staying that way forever😋 cause me personally couldn’t get back w someone even after i explained myself and have been redeeming myself, then they come back w a fake relationship JUST to rub it in my face and hurt me. I JUST HAD A REVELATION.

sorry this is a lot, i’m so incredibly invested and it’s making me sick thinking about it😞

minji is defo a morally grey character here, either u like her or not. both minyn in attention, while the smau is still rather lighthearted, are red flags lol. one of them has no self-confidence and always goes back to her ex and the other one is just a sadist. in the end will yn have character development? probably not because all of this takes place within a week. the duration of their relationship is incredibly short considering their feelings for one another. while you may think yn is stupid for going back, i feel like a lot of people experience the same thing. people joke about going back to their ex and still missing them and they will go back to their ex if they had a chance to.

minji prob doesn’t miss yn, just the idea of her. their relationship can be perceived as genuine or fake. in attention, there’s a always a domino effect. yn is put into a fake relationship -> she doesn’t text minji about it -> minji doesn’t ask her about it -> minji doesn’t give her a chance to explain etc. both of them don’t do many things in the relationship. yn is hurt, definitely but will she go back to minji if she came begging on her knees? absolutely.

while i agree with you that i would never go back to someone that treated me that way, i can’t say that for certain. the premises during their breakup was that yn and minjeong were dating, which led to yn getting hate comments and death threats like any idol couple does. if i were yn and i saw these comments, wouldn’t i have a desperate need to be loved? and who else to love me other than my ex-girlfriend? if she did it before she could do it again, right? maybe you can relate to yn, maybe you think she’s stupid. maybe you hate minji, maybe you sympathise with her. attention’s storyline will not change based on the comments i receive from you guys. it’s like seeing your friend in a toxic relationship. you can’t control the outcome.

[yawntutsyip]

Warnings: none

AN: I felt bad that I deleted this story 😭, I lost all motivation for writing it and I didn’t realize that people actually liked it 🙏😔 forgive me. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m gonna do for the plot so I think I came up with something I like so hopefully it will go good. I also fixed some grammar mistakes and spelling errors so hopefully it’s all good now mb if there still some

Context: Your father had fallen sick causing you and your mother, along with your father, to move villages. Needing help from the Tsahìk. Ronal discovers that you were interested in learning about herbs and healing she began to take you under he wing teaching you everything she knew as if you were the Tsahìk in training. After she and Tonowari learns that you haven't been able to make friends thought the years you've been in the village she (forces) suggest that you hang out with Ao'nung and his friends hopping that will help.

Ngaytxoa: Sorry , Apologies

Nari si skxawng: watch out moron

Za'u : come here

Kaltxi sa'nu, sempul : Hello mother, father

'itetsyìp : a name for daughter

Mawey: calm down

Irayo: thank you, thanks

Fnu: be quiet

I see you | Chapter One

As (Y/N) grew up she could tell something was wrong with her father, Every week it seemed that he had gotten weaker and weaker.

It had gotten so bad he eventually was on permanent bed rest having to be cared for by her mother at all times.

Having such a close bond with her parents she never left their side unless she had to run an errand for her mother.

Through the years of being by her mother's side and the frequent healers that could come and help, she began to study and learn from them

Taking mental notes and practicing in her own time she learned what things mixed with what, and what you should and shouldn’t use.

It was the only thing that kept the little girl's mind off of the terrible situation.

As time continued to pass, on (Y/N)’s 12th birthday just when it had seemed like everything was getting better and her father had seemed like he was healing just fine

It seemed to immediately shoot back down and he had fallen ill once again now even worse.

His body turned immune to the medicine that he was given.

The girl's mother was deeply frustrated and in pain from seeing her mate in this state.

Her mother began to shut down, hardly talking to anyone and never leaving her mate's side. Focused on one thing which was taking care of her mate, making sure he was getting the help he needed.

When (Y/N) tried talking with her mother she would only reply in short responses. It hurt the poor girl, she now finds herself wishing she had a mother again.

Soon enough the healers decide to talk your mom into traveling to the nearby village where they had more healers and the Tsahik that was able to see what was exactly going on.

It did not take long for your mother to decide on an answer and immediately began packing up bags. (Y/N) could not complain and only helped her mom pack.

Traveling to the village took about a day and by the time the family arrived in Awa’atlu, it was night.

The only light sources were the torches that were scattered around the Marui huts, the bioluminescent plants in the water, and the bright stars that were shining above.

(Y/N) was swimming on an ilu next to her mother who was on her skimwing with your father laid in front of her.

When they had come into the village's view, a loud horn reached their ears announcing their arrival as they continued to move closer.

Finally, they reached the land and immediately her father was carried away by some men, which (Y/N) would assume they were taking him to the healing hut. Her mother quickly followed shortly leaving (Y/N) all by herself.

The little girl stood there unsure of what to do, her mother and father were out of view so there was no way she would be able to find them without getting lost, this village was much bigger than her previous one.

Tears begin to cloud over her eyes piling up, threatening to spill down her aqua cheeks.

This whole journey she tried to put a strong face for her mother and father, she knew they were already dealing with a lot and didn’t want to worry them.

But once her parents were out of sight, that wall that she so bravely built up slowly began to break down.

Tears were now sliding down her face as they dropped into the sand below.

A gentle hand was laid on her shoulder. (Y/N) looked up and with her blurry view she could make out a woman in front of her slowly crouching down.

The woman’s hands move from the girl's shoulder to caressing her cheeks, using her thumbs to wipe the tears that slipped out.

“Hello my child, please do not be sad. Your father is in good care now.” The woman’s words reassured (Y/N). “I am the Tsahik, may I know your name sweetheart?” Ronal asked the small child in a soft voice, afraid of startling her.

“(Y/N)... (Y/N) te Ftxey Aman’ite, Tsahik” She replies shyly with quiet sniffles, using the back of her hand to wipe the tears away from her eyes.

“(Y/N), You have a beautiful name..Let's grab your bags and I will walk you to new Marui. It’ll be close to the healing hut so you can see your parents then.

Ronal smiled and stood up grabbing the bags that were sitting in the sand. Ronal swung some of the bags over her shoulder and then looked back at (Y/N) who was doing the same actions.

Ronal reaches her hand out to the little girl, (Y/N) hesitated at first, I mean after all this was a stranger, but then grabbed the Tsahik’s hand, and they began to walk further from the water and into the village.

“You will like it here, I promise”

"Ngaytxoa Tsahìk!" You said to the older woman once you had arrived in the healing pod where there stayed your father along with some other injured and sick members that the healers were helping with.

On the way to the pod one of the aunties had asked you for help with carrying a basket of dried kelp for weaving and it took a little longer than you thought.

"It's alright (Y/N), as long as you're here now. I have a list of herbs I need you to collect for me really quick and then we began the lessons" Ronal said as she was finishing wrapping a younger boys arm then proceeds to grab a list off the table handing it out to you.

"Of course, I will be back shortly!" You say smiling, grabbing the list before leaving the pod.

You began to walk down the paths to collect herbs from where ever they stay. Some were different fruit and roots where you had to scavenge for and others were stuff you could get from different farmers around the island.

Once you finished you waved bye to the farmers with your filled basket you had been carrying, having all the herbs from Ronal's list in it, making your way back to the Tsahìk.

On your way back you stop for a second as you watched some of the Metkayina girls the same age hanging out together, some were braiding each others hair while others were talking probably gossiping about the newest drama that had rumored around the village.

You let out a sigh with a small frown.

You wanted to make friends but it was as if they avoided you like you were the plague.

You hung out with Tsireya a couple times but her other friends always pulled her away from you or Tsireya was busy taking her own lessons from her mother so you guys never had an actual hang out without someone coming to interrupt.

Shrugging off the sad feeling that began to rise, you begin to continue your way back.

As you were about to walk in the pod you accidentally runs into someone almost falling back at the impact.

Catching yourself, you stands straight and looks at the person you ran into about to apologize before your eyes widen as you realizes who it was.

It was one of the girls who Tsireya was always hanging out with.

"Ngaytxoa.. I didn't see you there." You say say embarrassed and looks down as if the ground was the most fascinating thing.

The girl could only scoff in annoyance and roll her eyes not bothering to pay attention to you before walking off muttering some words that you just barley heard purposely hitting your shoulder with hers.

"nari si skxawng"

You could only brush it off and continue to walk inside.

"Tsahìk I'm back! I have all the stuff you asked for." You announced as you pushes past the door to the table about to set down the basket.

"za'u (Y/N), with the basket" Ronal motioned as she was sat down on a mat with Mortar and pestle in front of her along with some water.

Turning back around you follow the orders and sets the basket down by the Tsahìk before sitting in front of her.

"Let's get to work shall we?" You could only nod her head and with that Ronal began to teach you.

"Alright, thats enough for today. Did you understand everything?" The older woman asked while standing up with the new paste you both had just made in a bowl

"Yes, thank you for teaching me" you say responding before helping Ronal clean up.

"Do you want me to walk with you back to your Marui?"

"No, I'm gonna stay here for a little bit. Thank you." And with that Ronal nodded as her eyes softened with her smile faltering before leaving the healing pod back her to own Marui.

You let out a weary sigh before walking to the back of the pod to a more secluded area where he father stayed.

"Kaltxi sa'nu, sempul" You greet your parents knowing you wouldn't get a response back, only a small nod of acknowledgment from your mother who had her back towards you while laying a new cloth on your fathers forehead.

"how is he doing?" You crouch down next to your mother sitting on your knees as you observe.

After a long pause of quietness, your mother finally spoke up looking at her daughter.

"he's getting better now, thanks to you and the Tsahìks help" Aman (her mothers name) spoke to her daughter as she reaches forward and brushes a stray hair behind your ear before caressing your cheek.

You could only lean into your mothers touch.

Aman had gotten better at talking to her daughter again after the Tsahìk had scolded her for not paying attention, neglecting, her own child. She needs a reality check.

"It's getting late, you should head back to our Marui" Aman spoke to you bringing back her hand before checking on her mate once again.

"Will you be coming back with me this time? You asked with hope in your eyes that her mother would finally come home for once but once yoy looked at your mothers face with a sadden expression, you knew it wasn't going to happen.

"I'm sorry 'itetsyìp. Not tonight.."

You say nothing and nod. You got up and gave your parents both a quick peck on the cheek before leaving making your way back to your family's Marui.

You could feel tears fill your eyes but you refused to let them fall wiping them with the back of your hand letting out a shaky sigh.

Before you reached the Marui a hand landed on your shoulder startling you causing you to jump letting out a quiet yet loud shriek.

"Woah, mawey (Y/N)!" A familiar female voice said as you turned around to see Tsireya.

"Sorry for startling you, my mother asked me to grab you to have dinner with us! My father and Ao'nung had caught some extra fish and we can't eat it all~ come on" Tsireya said while grabbing your arm locking it with hers not waiting for an answer before pulling you in the direction of their Marui pod.

The two girls reach the pod and Tsireya walks in holding the door open for (Y/N) to walk in.

You mutters a quiet thank you giving the girl a smile before greeting everyone that was now sitting down getting ready to eat.

"Irayo Tsahìk, Olo'eyktan for having me over."

"No worries (Y/N) come in sit down next to Ao'nung" Ronal says smiling before telling Ao'nung to scoot over to make more room to which he only rolled his eyes before moving.

You sit down and everyone began to eat while the family made small talk with eachother while you just stayed quiet listening, only talking if they asked for an opinion or a question.

While eating you swear you could feel a burning gaze watching you, when you lifted your head and turn you meet Ao'nung's eyes staying back into yours.

Waiting for his eyes to pull away he never did and continued to stare, with what look in his eye? You couldn't exactly tell but you swore there was an extra sparkle.

Finally getting the hint he wasn't going to back down you quickly look away with blush creeping on your cheeks and continue to eat.

"(Y/N) have you been making any friends, you know the girls that Tsireya hangs out with?" Ronal asks looking at her causing all of them to go quiet and listen.

"Uh...well..not exactly...I guess they are always busy when I try and hang out with them.." you says now playing with your food in awkwardness.

"What? Tsireya I thought I told you to take in (Y/N) and make sure she was not being left out" Ronal questions her daughter in disappointment.

"Well...Ngaytxoa sa'nu...I thought they were hanging out with (Y/N). Ngaytxoa (Y/N)" Tsireya frowns upset that her friends weren't being nice to you.

"It's alright, I don't really need to hang out with them anyways I'm good with just hanging around with you Tsahìk" you could only smile reassuring the family theses no need to worry.

"Nonsense! (Y/N) you are still a kid. As much as I like having your company You need to go hang out with people your own age sometimes." Ronal replies to you.

"Why don't you hang out with Ao'nung and Rotxo! Rotxo is a good boy. Very respectful and I'm sure Ao'nung would be happy to have you hang out with him, right Ao'nung?!" Tonowari speaks up looking at Ao'nung.

Ao'nung's mouth is open astonished that his father even suggested that. "What? Why does she have to-"

Before he could finish his sentence his mother interrupts him with a harsh glare making him immediately shut up.

"Right Ao'nung?" Ronal says smiling yet still glaring at the poor boy who could only nervously avoid his mothers fiery gaze.

"Yes. She can hang out with us tomorrow..." he grumbles out shoving the last bit of food in his mouth no longer paying attention to the conversation that was going on.

"See (Y/N) there you go, You have some people to hang out with." You could only smile with a nod before going back to eating.

A little bit later everyone was finally done eating you began to help Tsireya clean up the plates.

"(Y/N) you don't have to help Tsireya. Ao'nung will walk you to your Marui" Tonowari told you with a hand on your shoulder grabbing the dishes that were in her hands.

"Oh no it's alright-" (Y/N) began to speak but was cut off with Ronal shaking her head telling you no before pushing you toward the door where Ao'nung stood muttering words under his breath that you couldn't make out.

"Okay then...goodnight, thank you for having me over for dinner" You smiled waving bye to them as you exits the Marui with Ao'nung following behind.

You and Ao'nung walk to your Marui in silence.

While you were in your own world thinking to yourself , you didn't notice a certain boys eyes on you.

Ao'nung couldn't help it, He found the Metkayina girl beautiful. But the boys ego was too high for him to talk to you and confess his attraction.

He could only play it off with being annoyed. I mean it sorta annoyed him. He never had a full conversation or even looked at you straight in the eyes..So why was he attracted to you so much. It made him frustrated.

He remembered the first time seeing you was when he got in an argument with another Metkayina boy that resulted in flying fist and so there he sat with a bloody lip and a cut on his cheek.

And out of all the healers he gotten (Y/N) to patch him up. The whole time she was making the paste she never said a word and he was thankful because the last thing he needed was another person asking what happened.

When it came to the girl applying the paste all he could think about was how her soft hands gently applied it to his cheek muttering apologies as he hissed from the sting.

But if he was being honest the butterflies in his stomach distracted him more.

He didn't realize until she was done that he had been admiring her face. Staring mostly at her darker aqua marking that were scattered framing your face, and the bioluminescent freckles sprinkled all over. How her hair was done in traditional Metkayina style (picture whatever you like) and it complemented her well.

Ao'nung snaps out of his thoughts and comes to a halt as you both stand in front of your empty Marui.

"Thank you, I'm sorry for causing you trouble.. I can just say that I'm busy tomorrow so I don't have to hang out with you" You say thanking him as you shyly stare at the ground.

While Ao'nung wanted to tell you 'no don't be! I actually want to hang out with you and get to know you' before he could think, all that came out was a

"Fnu" Ao'nung shouted and it came out a lot harsher than he meant. His eyes slightly widen with his ears lowering in embarrassment.

It made you jump a little taken back from how harsh his words came at you.

"Ngaytxoa. I'll see you tomorrow." Ao'nung said, this time in a softer voice. And with that he quickly walked away back to his Marui pod and you enter yours.

Yet another sigh of disappointment left your lips as you rub your face in frustration.

'Alone once again..'

[im-writing-extra]

pls forgive me, this took way too long😭 I’ve been getting back into the swing of work plus my main blog has been severely neglected. but here you go!

table of contents

chapter 7 - tiniest death

Dalphri and the Jedi in the medical wing have pumped you so full of drugs that the two weeks after Jelucan are nothing more than a fever dream. Your conversation with Jecki is the most coherent you’ll be until a sunny morning where you wake up to find Yord, asleep on a chair and holding your hand.

His head is tilted back, mouth slightly open. He’s snoring every so slightly although he’d be appalled at the accusation. His robes are crumpled slightly, and you wonder how long he’s been here. You’ve rarely (if ever) seen his clothing wrinkled, aside from the night you saw them on the floor.

And even then, you weren’t really paying attention to the clothes, were you?

Yord senses you’re awake and opens his eyes.

“Morning sunshine,” you say.

“Good morning,” he replies. “How are you?”

“Good, I think,” you respond. You take stock of your body. Your blood feels normal, hand feels normal, heartbeat- well, you don’t think it will ever be normal if Yord’s in the room.

It’s so silly and so stupid- you feel like a padawan, blushing at the thought of him.

He’s just Yord, you remind yourself. The same Yord who steams his robes every night and needs everything in his room to be perfectly straight. Who short-circuits at the thought of something outside his paradigm, unless it involves a diplomatic matter in which case, he’s all in.

“What are you doing here?”

Yord moves to lean on the bedrail. “Venez and I have been staying with you in shifts. He should be here in a few minutes. Do you need anything before I go?”

You grip his hand and pull it ever so slightly. “Can you stay?”

Yord frowns, but you know it’s really a smile because he tells you to move over and gets into bed next to you.

“I’m glad you’re not dead,” he says. “Imanu Venez is insufferable without you.”

“Rude,” Venez says from the doorway. “And hey, you’re all better! Move over, Yord, I don’t want to squish her.”

“I can’t move any further-”

“Well you need to make room somehow-”

“It’s a finite space, it’s not like I can just-”

“You could try.”

Venez and Yord are on either side of you at awkward angles, but you don’t care. They’re both doing their best not to hurt you, and it’s sweet.

Dalphri opens the door a moment later. “You’re alive!” she squeals. “I got the notification that your vitals were back to normal and I ran, literally ran to get here first. I’m so glad you’re okay.”

Dalphri piles on top of you, causing yelps of complaint from Imanu and Yord.

“Touching, this is,” comes a voice from the doorway.

“Master Yoda!” the four of you chorus. Yord tries to get up but can’t, awkwardly pinned down.

“Seen this sight since you were younglings, I haven’t,” Yoda says. “The best at meditation, you were not.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Master, I was an angel,” Venez grins.

Yoda diplomatically says nothing.

“Better you are?” he asks and you say, “Yes,” as best you can from being crushed under your friends. 

“Good,” he replies. “Much to discuss we have, I’m sure. Resume your celebration, I will let you.”

Venez says, “My back is cramping.”

“Happens, when you get older,” Yoda replies with a smile.

“No Master, I’m young and exciting! My whole life is ahead of me!” Venez calls to Yoda’s retreating figure. You turn your head to look at Yord. He has a pained expression, so you tap his ankle with your foot. He meets your eyes but his expression stays the same.

You mouth, “Lighten up a little, love,” and he softens.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” he whispers into the shell of your ear. “I missed you.”

—

It’s your first night back in your room in almost three weeks. You stand in the doorway and take it in.

It’s a standard room for a Jedi Knight, but it’s one of the few things that’s just yours. The bed on the left with a pillow you got on Naboo. The cream-colored curtains on the round window directly opposite from where you’re standing. The uneti tree in the corner from Ahch-To.

As you survey your room, your eye catches on something. Someone’s been in here, straightened up and placed your new kyber crystal on your dresser. It’s right next to your lightsaber, and they fill your chest with a pleasant buzz. 

You close your eyes and plant your feet in the floor, just feeling. You see the ghosts of Imanu Venez opening the window for fresh air, Dalphri Ameras straightening the bedspread, Yord Fandar re-straightening it and unpacking your bag. You feel him turn the kyber crystal between his fingers, press it to his lips, then put it next to your saber.

Breathe in. 

I am one with the Force.

Breathe out.

I wish Yord were here.

You wonder if you should go find him, he’s almost certainly in his room; but he’s probably meditating, and you don’t want to disturb him. But he probably wouldn’t mind. Or would he? You haven’t had a moment truly alone with him since that night on Jelucan. What if Master Battchi was right, and Yord’s beginning to regret his actions?

Your hand hovers at your door as you debate.

No, this is Yord you’re talking about. He’s not so fickle as to change his mind like that. You open the door and make your way down the hall to his room. He’s not far, you’re on the same floor, but it’s a more difficult walk than you’d anticipated in your weakened state. A few other knights give you curious looks as you pass, but you disregard them. Curious looks are nothing new. 

You pause to lean against a column by a large window. It’s night, but Coruscant is no less busy. Ships and vehicles of all kinds pass by and you press a hand to your chest in an effort to regain control of your breathing. 

Breathe in.

I am one with-

Breathe out.

I am one-

Breathe in.

I am-

Breathe.

You slide to the floor

Your clenched fingers dig into your crystallized palm, reminding you that you’ve been permanently changed. No one, not even yourself, truly understands the physical effects Jelucan had on you. Why you’re still weak and Yord was fine, you’ll never know. You wonder if you’ll have side effects for the rest of your life or if the kyber in your hand will eventually become the only reminder of your mission.

Your eyes are heavy. You should have listened to Dalphri when she told you to take it as easy as you can, and you remember the pills she gave you for fatigue.

“Force illness or no, these will help you get back to normal. Take two in the morning and one at night, and you should be back to yourself in a week,” she’d said. You can picture where they are in your bag back in your room, and mentally curse yourself for not taking one before you went to find Yord. You close your eyes, just for a moment, promising that you’ll get back up in a minute.

Someone calls your name. Boots hit the floor, running toward you and you crack your eyes open. Yord drops to his knees in front of you and puts his hands on either side of your face. He’s checking your pulse, tilting your head from side to side as carefully as he can.

He asks, “What happened?” and it takes far too much effort to reply than you think it should.

“Came to find you. Got tired,” you slur. Best to keep it succinct and conserve energy.

“Can you walk?” he questions. He’s still holding you, running his thumbs up and down your cheekbones.

“Dunno. Can try.”

Yord slings your arm around his shoulders and supports your back as he all but drags you to your feet.

You say, “Thanks,” and lean heavily against him as you stumble back to your room.

He punches the door code in with ease. “Go lay down.”

He doesn’t have to tell you twice. You flop down onto the bed with a sigh as Yord rummages through your bag.

“Here,” he says. He hands you a glass of water and you throw back your medication with a grimace.

You say, “I feel hungover,” in an attempt to make him laugh but he just shakes his head.

The pills works with remarkable speed and before long, you feel your head clear up.

Yord hasn’t moved from his position, standing beside your bed with his arms crossed. He’s either changed or pressed his robes, because they show no sign of his visit in the medical wing.

“All better,” you say with a half-hearted smile.

He doesn’t budge. “What were you doing?” he asks sternly. “You’re supposed to be resting. Do I have to install a lock on the outside of your door?”

You shrug and look away. Tears well up and you blink them back. You’re not even sure why they’re there. Maybe it’s relief at finally being in your own bed and finally being alone with Yord.

Yord sighs and sits on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry,” he says softly. He reaches for your hand and presses a kiss right on the crystals. “I was just worried. You’re lucky I was on my way to find you.”

At those words you surge forward to capture his lips in yours. He makes a startled noise but reciprocates as you tangle your hand in his hair. You run your other hand down the length of his arm and when you reach his hand, you place it on your thigh. He squeezes for a brief moment, then pulls away.

“We can’t.”

You groan. “Yord. I’m fine. And anyway, it’s a natural painkiller.”

Yord shakes his head. “I’m not talking about that, but that is a concern. I was considering the fact that there are a few thousand Jedi in the Temple right now, and that raises the chances of us getting caught by an astronomical amount. Besides, it’s forbidden.”

You snort. How quintessentially Yord. He abides by his rules even when breaking them. “Yord. Do you have any idea how many padawans, right now, are-”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence,” he warns.

You raise your hands in defense. “You remember what it was like,” you tell him. “All those hormones. Being told that we still had a chance to decide if the Order was for us or not. Of course, I was a perfect angel and never did anything but I know for a fact Dalphri-”

Yord covers your mouth with his hand. He says your name like both a plea and a sigh of resignation, a talent of his you’ve never been able to mimic. You kiss his palm and look up at him with the softest eyes you can muster.

“All right,” he relents, beginning to untie his robe. You reach to help him pull it off and he continues, “You have to let me know if it’s too much. You’re still not supposed to exert yourself.”

You smile. “I’ll just lay back then, shall I?”

Yord pauses. “Not a bad idea.”

You take a moment to admire his biceps as he slips his fingers under your waistband. The cool air hits your legs and you gasp.

next chapter

[missvelvetsstuff]

https://www.tumblr.com/missvelvetsstuff/719658565357420544/i-have-a-request-please-if-its-open

Thank you so much for taking my request.

So Steve and the reader met while he was on the run and he fell in love with her and Thanos blipped the people but she was there for him no matter what

He proposed to her before they got married Scott lang showed up and etc

Steve saw Peggy and started acting weird with the reader and after returning the stones he came back old asf😭

But the reader had a surprise for him (a pregnancy) what he wanted all those 5 years he spent with her and she got mad and he argued back saying he deserved after everything he did for the people😭 so she didn’t tell him about the baby and left

After a few months she was at the grocery store and ran into Bucky and his eyes were on her swollen belly and she saw the look on his face and said “yes it’s his baby” on the way to his apartment the thousands questions on his mind “did Steve knew his girl was pregnant? Why would he leave her? If i was him I would’ve never left her. Okay stop she is /was your best friend’s girl but he left her someone he once kissed.

There was a lot going on Bucky’s mind, so decided to locate her and find where she lives so he did find her and she was shocked to see it was bucky on the door

So he demand to help her and they became closer and more comfortable around each other and ofc Bucky told Sam about the situation and Sam told the old Steve 😤 and Steve tried contacting her but couldn’t but Sam told him where she lives and he saw his Best Friend and best girl kissing while she was carrying his baby he got mad and possessive/obsessive so he went back and came back younger you know take what was his before he got selfish and left🙄

You can add more angst I wanna cry😭

I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to respond to your request. It took me a minute to flesh it all out and it'll be 5-6 chapters. Hope you like it.

This story was getting too long for me to manage so I've broken it up into chapters and will be posting each when I finish editing. I'm almost done writing so it should be posted by the end of the week. It's been a minute since I saw Civil War so please forgive me if I mess up any details.

Apparently I'm unable to write short blurbs or drabbles, sorry.

As always reader is female and above average height.

Hope y'all enjoy.

The Wrong One

Steve Rogers x Reader, Bucky Barnes x Reader

1. Meeting

Warnings: swearing, angst

Y/N had watched the news about the Avengers fight in Germany. All the anchors calling it a 'civil war' but she was in NYC in 2012 and saw the aliens trying to invade. She knew that the world was less safe with the Avengers fighting amongst themselves.

After losing her brother in the Battle of New York she felt her mortality acutely so quit her office job, packed up her apartment and put everything in storage and left to see the world. She had no other family or close friends to keep her in the states and yearned for something different. At this point she had seen most of Europe but lingered in Ireland, entranced by its beauty and the wonderful people.

The bar in Dublin where she was working was quiet with only a couple of customers, typical for suppertime in the middle of the week, so she worked on inventory and organizing the storage room to make room for tomorrows delivery.

The bell rang and she went up to the front to see who was there. It was a couple, the man was taller than her and took off his cap as he walked in. He had broad shoulders and a tight t-shirt, sunglasses covered his eyes and he walked to the furthest corner booth, facing the door.

The woman, pretty with blonde hair, came up to the bar "4 shots of whiskey and 2 pints of Guinness." and handed her a bill "keep the change"

Y/N nodded "Thank you. I'm Y/N if you need anything else."

Y/N knew who they were even with their attempted disguises but she certainly wasn't going to help any crooked government catch some of the Avengers so kept her mouth shut.

The next night the captain returned with another man who was black and had an easy smile, obviously the Falcon. He came up to the bar to order their drinks and flirted a little with her.

This kept up for a few weeks. Always the Captain but he had a few companions that seemed to be on a rotation, Falcon, the Scarlet Witch and a tall slender blonde man that Y/N couldn't place. Black Widow hadn't returned since the first night.

One night the Captain finally took off his sunglasses and smiled at her which made her knees weak and stomach flip, he was beautiful. Every night after that he graced her with that smile. She wanted so badly to talk to him, outside of drink orders and thanks, but didn't want to intrude.

Then she saw something on the news about them being sighted outside of Dublin and they stopped coming in. She hoped they could avoid the authorities. When the pub was slow she daydreamed about the Captain coming back to sweep her off her feet in some grand romantic gesture and she would go on the run with him.

She laughed at herself for her childish fantasies but figured they weren't hurting anyone. It wasn't like she had men, or women, knocking down the door to her apartment above the pub.

A couple of months passed uneventfully and life stayed predictable. Until the Captain came back in by himself. She felt her heart speed up, butterflies swarming her stomach and a tingle in her core.

She smiled at him "Evening. Would you like your usual or are you feeling adventurous?"

He looked at her, right into her soul and smiled, making her feel faint. "I'll take a pint and..." He paused awkwardly and she waited patiently "and, your, uh your number?"

Y/N laughed and the Captain felt his heart clench, he hadn't seen anyone like her since...

"Are you sure? You don't seem like-"

He interrupted her, almost shouting "NO!" Realizing how loud he was he spoke softly, giving her a chill, when he said "I mean yes, definitely yes" and looked at her hopefully.

"How could any girl refuse a request like that?" and took his offered phone to put her number in, naming herself 'Barmaid'.

His grin grew until he realized something "You don't have an Irish accent. Where are you from?"

She laughed lightly "It's called an Irish brogue and I keep hoping it'll rub off on me but no such luck. It's been almost 2 years and some of my regulars tease that even an Irish brogue can't overpower a New Yawk accent."

"New York? Whereabouts? Brooklyn here."

She smiled knowingly at him "I already knew that, learned about you in school. I wrote a term paper about your friend Bucky Barnes."

Steve blushed and chuckled "When did you realize who I was?"

"The first time you came in with Natasha Romanoff, you were pretty easy to recognize. Don't worry, I won't sell you out. I've always been on your side."

Steve looked at her seriously "Not always on my side if you wrote a report about Bucky." He teased.

"I seem to recall you always being on the same side. I noticed you never bring him in, is he ok?"

Steve nodded, touched by her warmth and concern "Yeah, he's uh somewhere safe, getting help to get rid of the Hydra programming."

She smiled "I'm glad he's being cared for. What about you? Are you taking care of yourself?"

He sighed "Not many opportunities for that on the road. I'm more concerned about my friends, if we were caught....."

He left off and looked at his hands, not wanting to contemplate that possibility.

Y/N reached out to touch his cheek gently, smiling when he leaned into her hand, and pulled his face up to look at her. "You'll be in just as much trouble as they will." She cupped his other cheek "You need to take care of yourself too."

Steve closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying her soft touch. Feeling sparks where her skin touched his, a stirring in his groin making a small moan slip out. When he realized it, his eyes snapped open and looked into hers.

His eyes darted around the room, confirming that no one else was in the bar before he leaned forward until his lips brushed hers, his eyes fluttering closed.

Y/N could feel her heart racing, was Captain America really kissing her in a pub in Ireland? She moved her hand from his face to the back of his neck, pulling him closer.

He smiled into the kiss and teased her lips with his tongue which she accepted and the kiss intensified until they were both out of breath.

Steve pulled back, smiling "I've been wanting to do that since the first night I came in."

She tskd him "And we've been wasting all this time? For shame Captain."

He leaned in to kiss her again before she put a finger on his lips. "I'm actually still on the clock but closing in an hour. If you want to hang out until I'm done, we can get some food and eat at my place." She asked holding her breath. She hadn't taken many men home since she stopped here but how could she not.

His grin grew and he blushed bright red as he nodded "Yes, absolutely."

They spent that night talking, getting to know each other in between making out and discovering each other's bodies.

The next few weeks they spent as much time together as possible, both dreading the time when he would have to move on.

One night a month after they first kissed, Steve came later than usual and she could tell he had something on his mind.

After she gave him his drink he grabbed her hand and looked at her sadly. She knew before he said anything. "You have to go, don't you?"

He tried to keep the tears in his eyes from falling and couldn't find the words so just nodded. After a few minutes he composed himself and spoke softly "I'm so sorry. I never meant. I can't find the words."

She nodded sympathetically and held his hand "I know Steve it's alright."

"No" he shook his head "It's not alright. None of this situation is alright but my time with you has been the only real peace I've had in, well ever really."

He pulled his hand away and stood suddenly "I'm sorry but I have to go. I'll try to come back soon."

She stood up and went up the stairs. When she came back she was on her phone. She finished her call and looked at Steve with a smile on her face, then grabbed his hand, a backpack in the other hand "So let's go."

Chapter 2

[mikuni14]

We Are - Ep 6, Only Boo - Ep 5

Perhaps because of I Cannot Reach You, which I watched on Saturday, my view of We Are and Only Because this week was more harsh and less forgiving than usual 😭

We Are My biggest problem with We Are is that this show has no substance when it comes to romance. NONE. Seriously, it's more "meaty" on friendships than romance 😄 EVEN if a couple falls in love with each other at first sight, even if the couple starts their relationship with strong attraction and sex, for the romance to be interesting and engaging, we as viewers must observe some development, progress in the relationship. This is some form of journey for lovers and we accompany them in it. We Are, with the exception of Q and Toey, doesn't show relationship development at all. Tan and Fang have had about 3 scenes together so far, involving giving each other snacks and one scene of helping with a project. We know NOTHING about Fang. And suddenly in this episode, Tan proposes dating and Fang accepts. Where did this come from? Since when has Fang been in love with Tan? Is he in love with him? Their relationship… like what? Where?? When???? I have no idea what's going on with Chain and Pun (will they even be a couple?), especially since Pun suddenly has a great relationship and better chemistry with Mick. Regarding Phum and Peem: I just can't stand the way Phum behaves towards Peem, it's FUTS all over again, i.e. a rich and handsome but dumb guy doesn't know how to talk to his crush and comes up with complicated plans that always somehow humiliate said crush. The way Peem was waiting for him at the pool in this episode, AGAIN, while Phum was gaming with his friends… it pissed me off so much! And this "being a slave" is still treated so… normally and it is shown as something funny and romantic, as if Peem had no sense of self-worth and it was still a form of "fun" for him, and when he screws up and Phum is still nice (as in the food scene), then it is something positive for him. Well, unfortunately this is not my kind of romance, there is NOTHING cool or romantic about it for me and in real life Phum and Peem would not have a chance to be together. Their romance is ENTIRELY based on the oldest tropes, i.e. falling on each other and suddenly being close. Normally I love this closeness, when the characters are lost in each other's eyes and the sudden closeness makes them feel dizzy 👌 But this is literally the basis of their relationship, not one of the many things that make up romance. My beloved @miss0atae described the character of Phum in a very interesting way in this post and I also have the same thoughts. But the series completely screwed up on this matter because this thought occurred to me after his one sentence at the end of episode 5, because Phum simply acts like an ordinary asshole, his behavior was devoid of nuance and context so far. And that's the problem with We Are: this show has potential and, most importantly, it has the TIME to delve into each of its characters, including showing Phum as someone who is lonely and has trouble establishing romantic relationships, which is why he behaves stupid (for which he should face consequences). How unfair it is that Gray Shelter had material for a full season and crammed it into 5 short episodes, and We Are has SO MUCH TIME and can't use it. How much more interesting would the relationship between Phum and Peem be if they met under bad circumstances that would make them dislike each other, but also if they felt attracted to each other due to their expressive and strong personalities, all laced with the fact that they are both young, hot and each other's type 😉 I would love to watch their relationship in which they both mature, discover new feelings and needs, in which their prejudices are tested, in which they make mistakes and apologize, thanks to which they develop. How much more this kiss would feel deserved, long-awaited, important.

Only Boo I love Moo, I love Kang, I don't like forcing feelings on someone, I don't like putting pressure on someone, I hate love serenades, and I HATE love triangles. I know, I know, the series is silly and fun, and not that deep 🤡 I'm just being grumpy.

But maybe it's actually I Cannot Reach You's fault. I should take a 2-week break from watching BL series after every 10/10 drama lol

[whinlatter]

Hey, are you alright?

Somehow weird seeing you not post anything, obviously you shouldn’t need to and that is the last thing I want to achieve with this message! I just want to know how you’re doing…

Btw you are so talented and I fr love your writing so much. You really don’t want to know how often I check if the new chapter is up😅

But please don’t feel stressed out🙏

ahhh thank you for checking in anon (and for the other v nice anons in my inbox, legends the lot of you). i'm absolutely fine, just frazzled & having a very very busy week, which has unfortunately had a knock on effect on posting/writing/publishing beasts chapter 12 😭

the long story short - i was already up to my eyes in dissertation completion things, and then to my intense surprise got a job interview this coming wednesday for a job i did not expect to get far with but v much want. i love writing beasts v v v much, but phd + finding employment have to take priority, so i've had to make the decision to delay finishing chapter 12 and to get it out to you to next week. i'm SO sorry to keep you waiting like this. i know how annoying it is to have dates keep being pushed back (and so does my advisor, slay). i'm extremely touched that you're looking forward to the next chapter, and really hope what i have for you will be worth the wait (the hinny is hinnying this chapter fr). as soon as i can find a few hours to finish the chapter and get it out to you, i will. (writing beasts is my lovely downtime which has been thin on the ground this past week let me tell ya)

i hope this is ok - i'm sorry for all the chopping and changing, and appreciate the faith and patience v much. thank you for following and supporting my work and really hope you can forgive me!

[goforth-ladymidnight]

☃️ Your secret santa is here to inform you your gift is currently in the works ☃️!!

Some fun questions of the day:

-Share with me some of your favorite Tamlin/ Lucien/ Tamcien headcanons? Any one of the three!

-Who do you think would make the first move out of the two 🤭?

-Fav tamcien fics? For research purposes 😇.

Excited to be back in your inbox! Hope you have a lovely week!!

-🎅🎄

Hi Santa! I'm so excited!! 💖 Please forgive your poor giftee for taking so long to respond. Her (my) brain has been absolute mush these last couple of days 🥲 but your lovely ask has nonetheless been in her (my) thoughts!

Tamlin/Lucien/Tamcien headcanons?? Let's see!

Despite SJM's best efforts to describe Lucien as a beefcake (I guess Sam Heughan from Outlander was one such inspiration?), I have always pictured Lucien as more trim and slender. The sword that he carries around sounds like it's supposed to be a classic two-handed fantasy epic-type sword (since Tamlin uses it to pin Amarantha to the wall), but I imagine it to be more of a rapier. Lucien has a fencer's build, and all the bulky beefcake-y Lucien fanart you throw at me cannot change my mind. (Even though I don't mind looking at it anyway. 💕)

Speaking of inspiration... Almost no one mentions that Henry Cavill was mentioned next to Sam Heughan in the acknowledgments in Book 1, and something tells me it didn't have anything to do with Rhys. It's almost a meme at this point to make fun of ACOTAR fancasts that suggest Henry Cavill, but honestly? Henry Cavill in his Witcher era is such a vibe. That grumpiness, that long hair, and his physique scream Tamlin to me, more than any other fancast I've come across. Even though my preference would be to see ACOTAR animated, *if* it ever gets made. Castlevania style, please and thank you.

Random rant, but I wish that ages in the ACOTAR universe were more realistic/consistent. It's implied that Lucien is much younger than Tamlin, while Tamlin and Rhysand are much closer in age. It may not fit canon (hence the headcanon part, haha), but I always thought it made sense for Tamlin and Lucien to be introduced when they were young, then, when Tamlin was older, he met Rhysand at the camps. So he and Rhysand were more like rivals to lovers to enemies, whereas he and Lucien would be acquaintances to friends to lovers, but never enemies. NEVER. Not in my headcanon!!

Who would make the first move, Tamlin or Lucien?

Lucien, most definitely. Tamlin has always struck me as more of an introvert. Lucien is bold, snarky, and isn't afraid to say what's on his mind. Lucien is more likely to regret saying something spiteful in the moment, compared to Tamlin thinking up a clever comeback later in the bathtub. And this has nothing to do with intelligence. Just because Tamlin is blond doesn't make him an idiot! (I hate reddit comments that say otherwise, grumble, grumble)

Favorite Tamcien fics? This is so hard to answer!! 😭

I owe the credit to @praetorqueenreyna for introducing me to the concept of Tamcien in the first place! While her ACOTAR prequel is heartbreaking and beautiful and sad, they don't really become a couple until later on, so this spot is going to go to: you can see my heartbeat tonight. It's perfect for when I'm in the mood for both sugar and spice. Honorable mention to her: cingulomania, when I'm in the mood for whump and angst!

I know next to nothing about the Omegaverse, but this short Tamcien fic crossed my dash during one such fandom event, and I could not get over how cute it was: Lightwork by @highlordofkrypton. Snark and cuddling?? Yes, please!

While searching on AO3 for some ideas, I stumbled across a bridge between us by @yaralulu and OH MY is it lovely. My heart almost shattered halfway through.

I'm sure there's more but my brain has threatened to turn to mush again. Thank you for asking though! I got to revisit some old favorites, and now I've added more to my TBR! ❤️

Thank you for checking in, Santa Dear! Have a lovely week yourself!

[ruminate88]

The intensity of starting toxic relationships and then being in a regular one after:

when you’ve been in toxic relationships, they all start out super intense! (At least it did for me) and each new relationship is exciting. Trying to get to know them is often a mystery. Andrew left so much to the imagination yet he would give me crumbs of himself and it kept me chasing him. (He knew what he was doing) it’s so quick and like a whirl wind!!!! They blow into your life and then blow out. You’re left like “whoa!!! WHAT HAPPENED??” And you were so high that now you’re so low you don’t want to take a step forward but you have to.

whenever I met my husband, that’s the first “normal” truly normal relationship I’ve had and it’s boooooooring. It’s a slow process to learn each other and nothing is fast, intense or crazy. Every thing is calm and chill. No strong reactions or cold shoulders. No hot or cold. No up or down. Just…. Balanced. Normal. Steady. Goood 🙏🏻 everything I should’ve had all along and should treasure/cherish it but not very exciting. Just facts.

now there was the thrill of first meeting my husband and having all our 1st together. 1st kiss, 1st “date” altho I married my husband so fast because I was desperate to stop hurting over Andrew and we really didn’t get to be “boyfriend and girlfriend” I mean we were but it was so short because we married so quick. He was pretty much my husband the day I met him. I knew he was different in our 1st conversation ever. I recognized he was peaceful and drama free. His atmosphere he carries is clean air compared to the toxic and dirty air I was breathing in when talking to my exes.

However, I’ve only known toxic men and their crazy wild energies. The constant shift of one minute they’re happy with me and obsessed with me but the next minute they’re triggered some reason and giving me the business. Andrew could act crazy affectionate and warm with me then suddenly shift like “I have a headache and I’m just tired” and he’s treating me like I’m the most annoying person on the planet 😓😭 I never knew which mood I was getting out of him. I was up and down daily. The emotional charge and energy was overwhelming and kept me in constant chaos and turmoil ….

I’m very aware of the differences in energies and behaviors. I realize I was in toxic relationships so long that I got comfortable there even though it was harmful for me and now I’m in a better place. I’m trying to accept the change and navigate this new life I’m in. Despite feeling “bored” I’m trying to embrace my husband and make the relationship better and more exciting but it takes 2 as well. My husband also has to be open to actively making our relationship exciting. (If that’s even the right word to use)

part of me misses the thrill of when you meet someone new but like I said, with the toxic ones, it’s not just “new” but it’s overwhelmingly intense and mysterious. They hide so much from you and mirror you. They say all these big grand gestures to get you to talk to them. They want to jump your bones day one. 😳 Andrew was proposing to me the 1st week we talked and telling me “how great I am”. Ugh I never knew what a red flag that was. I told him like, “how can you wanna marry someone you just met????” 😜

I know I married my husband fast but wasn’t week 1. lol It felt fast to me cuz I wasn’t healed from Andrew and didn’t understand it back then like I do now. Wasn’t fair to my husband that I had Andrew on my tail and he had to threaten Andrew to leave me alone but I can’t change my mistakes .

my husband doesn’t hold my past over my head thankfully or ever bring it up. Im the one struggling to forgive myself and move on but it’s a process I’m trying to navigate and understand it all.

[writefightandflightclub]

"Ride or die is so special to me" ch.4 edition

So listen this week has been a rollercoaster so my brain is a little fried, forgive me if this doesn't make as much sense as I want it to.

This chapter really made me think about futile cycles and the difficulty of change. It is really hard to break out of our behavioural patterns as humans, like I was listening to someone who does research on psychology (funny enough when it comes to dating) yesterday who was talking about how often we underestimate the effort it takes to change our personality and behaviours. And reading this chapter made me think about that, the ways it feels like both of them are trying to do things differently but how it isn't easy and can come across hostile to the other person. Like moving to a different country and getting a new job doesn't change how you feel about someone. Talking about how you feel when both of you are suffering and don't know the way out won't necessarily break you out of the cycle. It's painful because I feel like they are both trying and there is genuinely so much love between them but they are both also so broken, they don't know what's good for them as you so aptly described. This chapter really hurt 😅

The details in this chapter took me out like... in the last chapter I just thought "ok so you haven't been seeing this new guy long enough for it to be exclusive yet" but then you hit me in the face with the revelation that new guy asked for exclusivity and was shot down?? OOF. And yeah, if I was Santi I would get whiplash from how the kitchen conversation ended to "I can't get off without thinking about you". And the little jab about Santi planning for the future and listens to financial podcasts but seemingly "won't plan a future with you"?? 😭😭 that one really stung like I felt that one in my bones. The way I interpreted Santi being like "ok fingerfucking YOU is fine but I will not let you get ME off" is due to a sense of self-preservation, he is scared of what will happen if he becomes vulnerable in that way again, am I making sense?

I just want to sit them down with a couple's counselor because I feel like they COULD work but they need a mediator to call them on the fact that they shut down way too fast and don't get into what they would need from each other in order for this all to work. Them getting therapy individually would also be great. In short, I am rooting for them but need them to get it together. They are startikg to hurt me as much as they hurt each other.

Special to me Anon! Hiiiii 👋☺️🧡

First of all, I’m sorry to hear you ended the week with a fried brain 😣 I hope everything is okay and that this next week is far kinder to you!

Second of all, oh my gosh! I’m so happy to receive your wonderful commentary! Thank you! 🤩

Yes, ooh. I think the psychology here is totally right. Change IS hard. Especially if you don’t even know yet what that shift needs to look like. I do agree they’re trying to go at things differently but, ultimately, nothing has changed yet… so they’re likely to continue to be locked in this cycle until they either a) find a way to push past their internal blocks or b) something external changes… or maybe both!

The exclusivity thing! Omg. 😩😩😩😩

And yessss, total whiplash here. I wondered if that would all be too much (as they have already gone through a thousand different emotions lol) but honestly it seemed authentic to them in the moment for things to progress just like this. I think they’re even giving themselves whiplash, haha, never mind each other. Probably each came there with an idea of how they were gonna behave and telling themselves what they think they want…. then reality sinks in and it’s all tossed in the trash!

The podcast detail! Aww. 🥺 I’m glad that came through in terms of how it would sting for reader to hear that line from him.

Also I LOVE that interpretation of Santi’s motivation here and why he might’ve held back a little. That thread gets tugged on slightly in the next instalment - though obviously I shan’t give too much away! 🤐 He’s so measured in this chapter and I think it says a lot about him. (There’s also another motivation that I can’t talk about yet, lol.)

And! I am so pleased that even through all of this angst, the story is still giving the fact THEY COULD WORK and you are ROOTING FOR THEM! With all the angsty stuff it’s a fine line where I really wanted people to feel that - of course I didn’t want it to cross over into: well they shouldn’t even be together and I don’t want them to be and I don’t even like them. 😅 So that is music to my ears, thank you! Side note: I think what I personally love most about this story is that neither of them are perfect. They’re both flawed and very human and doing their best with the current tools they have. (And they don’t want to hurt each other, they just have a lot to work through!)

Also, I mean…. Strap in for the next chapter because…. OOF 😅😭

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS I AM LIVING FOR YOUR REVIEWS AND YOU ARE SO SO KIND TO SHARE THIS! 🥹🧡🙏 It absolutely makes my day!