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magic-ace · 11 months ago

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[Chess] Go shove it up your ass: the story of Hans Niemann's (alleged) vibrating anal beads, and the biggest scandal in chess history

Fuck you Rian Johnson, there's a new exciting mystery set during Covid. And this one has butt stuff in it.

This is a bit of a bizarre case: an incident in a niche hobby went viral and spread across the Internet, to the point where most of you have probably heard at least *something* about this. But so many people don't know *why* the anal play was so controversial, or even what happened. So sit down, relax, and lube yourself up, because we're going to slide inside of the biggest drama chess has ever seen (except Bobby Whoggy).

---

A few brief disclaimers before we start.

First, I don't want anyone to say that I haven't researched this well enough, or haven't checked my sources, so during the entire writing process, I have been wearing anal beads, which vibrate at varying speeds. During this time, I have not lost a single game of chess at the grandmaster level. That may be because I haven't *played* any games at grandmaster level, but I just think the beads are working.

Second, some of you may be worried that I'm not going to approach this seriously, and will spend a lot of time making anal jokes. You're absolutely correct. This writeup will be absolutely stuffed as I jam them in for your pleasure. But I also cover all the boring non-butt stuff as well, so you can stick around for that.

Finally, I tried writing a version of this where I'd stop occasionally to address public response. That immediately became unreadable, because there was *so much*. So while I'm only bringing up major figures, rest assured that at every point of this drama, there were hundreds of thousands of memes, tweets, and flame wars. This was (and often still is) half of the jokes on r/AnarchyChess. Every single person even remotely involved in chess knew about this. This got front page articles from major international newspapers. It was *big*.

With those settled, let's dive on in!

---

# Setting up the board

Chess is the game with the little horsies and the bloated monarchy running around on a checkerboard. While not the oldest game in human history, it has certainly been the most successful and long lasting over the past 1,600 years. Over those years it has been the game of kings, a way to test improvements in programming, and the easiest way for any writer to show you that a character is super duper smart.

It's a bit odd to talk about something as widespread as chess "becoming popular", but nevertheless, that's what has happened in recent years. In a perfect storm of people staying home due to Covid, new online options to play, streamers looking for content, and *Queen's Gambit* being a smash hit on Netflix, a new wave of people to play chess. The most popular website, Chess.com noted that their daily users have grown five times larger since 2020, with five million people each day and three times the subscribers.

With that wave came increased attention and focus on watching professionals. Some are just a classic Twitch stream, but there has also been a surge of interest in the world's top players at tournaments. After all, while most pro sports had to be shut down, chess tournaments could continue online with a minimum of difficulty. And as we all know in any hobby: new fans leads to mo money, which leads to mo drama.

Now that the pieces are all in position, let's look a little more at our two players.

**Magnus Carlsen** became grandmaster at *thirteen*, and became world champion in 2013. He has held that position uninterrupted since, a record only matched by legendary Soviet chess master Garry Kasparov (Gary Chess to his friends). If I went into all of his various achievements, awards, and tournament victories, I'd hit Reddit's 40,000 character limit, so just believe me when I say that he is *good* \-- maybe even the best ever. Aside from chess, Carlsen is generally seen as a decent guy. He's known for being mild mannered and polite, being both a good winner and loser. He has also managed to turn chess into a genuinely lucrative profession, on top of becoming a model and semi-celebrity with his own chess app.

It can be easy to underestimate the skills of chess grandmasters, and just hear "he's good". It goes way beyond that. Magnus playing a regular person in chess is like Muhammad Ali boxing against a cardboard cutout of a toddler. And that cardboard cutout is soaking wet. Chess scales exponentially, so he's not just crushing the average person, he is annihilating people who have dedicated their lives to the game.

**Hans Niemann** is the opposite of Magnus in many ways. While he also started chess at a younger age, he stalled for a few years, and didn't become a professional until he was in college (what a loser, am I right?). During Covid, he got a lot more into chess, amassing a significant following over Twitch. Part of that was due to his skill, but a large degree is how... let's say *passionate* he can get, win or lose. Unlike Carlsen's poker face, Niemann is prone to fits of emotion and yelling. You can get a picture of what that looks like [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2E3IsTQ5ISU&ab_channel=GMHikaru). This has lead him to be called the "bad boy of chess" (which is a bit like being the academic of the concussion ward). As you might imagine, he's not exactly well liked by many other chess players. According to close friends, Niemann has told them that he doesn't care how he's perceived, because he'll be good enough that major tournaments *have* to put up with him. He's well on his way to achieving that, with a rapid string of victories securing his spot as the fastest rising star in chess. However, even before this event, there were a number of rumors about him being a cheater.

Magnus and Hans represent the rapidly forming divide in chess, between the old and the new. This has been caused by the surge in online popularity, with far more amateur players being interested. Some don't even play that much, they just want to watch skilled streamers. As you can imagine, this can lead to more than a little bit of conflict. It also means that chess players now have *fandoms*, which is very weird, and also complicates drama, since each side's fans will follow along loyally.

Finally, the third character in our little drama. **Hikaru Nakamura** is sort of what you'd get if you crossed Hans and Magnus. He took a more traditional path to becoming successful chess player, at one point being ranked #2 in the world. However, he's far more well known for his Twitch stream, and is often credited as one of the major figures who started the online chess craze. Like Hans, he thrives on his personality -- although he tends to be less confrontational, more comedic. He has followed the time honored Internet tradition of "person who is really good at something uses their skill for stupid and ridiculous purposes", which has paid off. He is a friendly acquaintance of Magnus's, with the two of them collaborating to make the only use the [Bongcloud attack opening](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bongcloud_Attack) (a common chess meme) in a professional game. He has a rivalry with Hans, making fun of him on stream for things like his accent (Hans is known for a fake European accent, which he will forget to speak in at times).

But enough setup. It's time for the game to begin

# The Opening

>For quick development is of the utmost importance, and he who succeeds first in placing all his pieces, from their initial awkward positions, to such places as give them command of the greatest possible number of squares, has the better chance of concentrating a superior force on some important point.

---

Most people hearing about this drama assume it started at the Sinquefield cup, the incident that really went public. In reality though, it was the *second* incident.

**Always do foreplay before full anal**

The first sparks of drama occurred a month previously, in August of 2022, at the FTX Crypto cup. You may now pause to laugh at the fact that FTX sponsored an event to convince people crypto was for smart people, then went tits up and lost everyone's money after robbing them blind. But a company who got to the top by brash maneuvering and blatant lying might have been oddly prophetic.

Niemann beat Carlsen in their first match, a major victory for him. When asked how he managed to pull it off, he told reporters that "the chess speaks for itself", and wouldn't say more. Carlsen then proceeded to steamroll him in their next three matches, eventually winning the whole tournament.

This didn't exactly go *ignored* at the time -- Niemann's fans celebrated, and a few chess fans took note. But the FTX cup wasn't a prestigious competitive event, where players were at their best. It's a little like scoring some points on Michael Jordan in a game of pickup basketball: still good, but it doesn't mean you can beat him in an actual NBA game.

With that out of the way, let's move on to where it gets *really* juicy.

**Pounded in the butt by the Sinquefield Cup**

On a lovely St. Louis day, September fourth, Magnus faced down Niemann at the Sinquefield cup. It was a significant tournament, with a prestigious history, world famous players and a $350,000 prize. Ahead of the game, most of the discussion wasn't on who would win, it was how well/badly Hans would lose (or tie). He was never going to beat the world champion (especially since Magnus played white, a major advantage), but he could prove his skill by how close the game was. Except... Hans didn't lose. He won. Carlsen went on to hand Niemann his ass in the two speed chess games which followed, but nobody cared about those. The drama had begun.

This was... an upset can't even begin to describe it. Carlsen has been the world champion since 2013, and the #1 rated player since 2011. Since 2011, he has only lost nineteen times in classical games where he played white (to fifteen players). Given that he was playing against some of the best players in the world, that is a *staggeringly* impressive record. At the time of this game, he had not lost a similar game in the last fifty-three sittings, over two years. Niemann isn't *bad* \-- he's still competing at a level that most people could barely dream of, especially at his age. But this would be like if a random athlete from Belgium managed to outrun Usain Bolt. While wearing crocs. And hungover. Not to mention, it seriously damaged Magnus's attempts to raise his rating to 2900. The win seemed too good to be true -- which as it turned out, might have been because it wasn't.

**Magnus withdraws**

In a move that shocked and confused the chess community, Magnus withdrew from the tournament the next day. He refused to state why, only tweeting out [this](https://twitter.com/MagnusCarlsen/status/1566848734616555523?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1566848734616555523%7Ctwgr%5E78e3b897f66f8becfe7d31ba89075dd1472167ef%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fnew.chess24.com%2Fen%2Fwall%2Fnews%2Fmagnus-carlsen-withdraws-from-the-sinquefield-cup) \-- a withdrawal message, along with a video clip of Jose Mourinho saying "If I speak, I am in big trouble".

Jose Mourinho. The soccer/football coach. Whose comment about not speaking was because he wasn't allowed to make allegations of cheating.

Oh shit.

It may not seem like it, but in professional chess, this is a Very Big Deal. Withdrawing from a chess tournament, by your own choice, without some kind of emergency, at this level of play... it just isn't done. It's not just rare, or uncommon, *it doesn't happen*. Magnus had never done so in the past, nor had any other chess player at his level in the past fifty years. Former champion Gary Kasparov spoke out, asking Magnus to explain the decision, and calling it "unprecedented".

Along with the shock of him withdrawing, it meant the few games he'd already played were annulled for the purposes of the tournament -- so Niemann didn't get any benefit from his win. This almost certainly wasn't Magnus's main intent, and he didn't have a choice in it, but it can easily be seen as him twisting the knife.

The organizers politely wished Magnus well, and confirmed that he hadn't submitted any formal cheating complaint. Despite that, they instituted a fifteen minute delay on the broadcast, and increased anti-cheating measures. They later tweeted out that no player at the tournament was suspected of cheating, all of which fueled rumors even further.

**Niemann responds**

Niemann gave a [post game interview](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCeJrItfQqw&list=PLVWaFpMwtaGje62nXsd8ryInBy-nkKZs7&index=23&ab_channel=SaintLouisChessClub), discussing both the game and Carlsen's withdrawal. In it, he said

>And I think even if it was a draw, he was so demoralized because he was losing to such an idiot like me. It must be embarrassing for the World Champion to lose to me.

Not helping yourself dude.

Hans then went on to explain that, in actuality, it was all a big misunderstanding. Referring to it as a "ridiculous miracle", he explained that when studying Magnus's past games (a common tactic), he had seen Magnus use a similar variation of his opening against Wesley So at the 2018 London Chess classic. Problem solved, right? Still a good game, just a lucky one. Everyone can go home.

Except Magnus didn't play that opening against So. In fact, neither Magnus nor So played in that tournament at all, and analysts mentioned that the tactic was an unusual one for Magnus, not a repeat.

Whoops.

Throughout the whole interview, Niemann seemed to be struggling. He was unable to give explanations for some of his moves, and tried to argue that a computer's prediction for a move was wrong (it wasn't). All of this just caused even more speculation to grow.

PlayMagnus (Magnus's chess app) tweeted out in response to the interview, with a link to an article called "greatest chess scandals", and [a meme](https://imgur.com/a/Y3ms3Fr). This was quickly deleted.

**Suspicions of cheating**

As mentioned at the start, the chess world exploded. People argued, analyzed, and took sides, all while the memesters reveled in glorious chaos. The reigning world champion was taking on one of the most polarizing figures in chess. As mentioned previously, the chess corner of the Internet was on fire, and the blaze was quickly spreading.

Professional chess players generally stayed neutral. Some of them, such as Kasparov and Karpov (who, despite their names, aren't a comedic slapstick duo) seemed to take Niemann's side, arguing that the game showed no evidence of cheating. However, most critics added that they would like to hear Magnus come forward with actual complaints and allegations so that they could make a real judgement. Professional chess is relatively drama-free, with many unspoken rules of etiquette, so no one wanted to rock the boat. They were professional, reasonable, and *very* unsatisfying to read about, so let's talk about the fightin'!

Hikaru became a *very* significant figure in all this. He had never hesitated to criticize Hans before, and he made his thoughts very clear: Carlsen had withdrawn from the tournament because he believed Niemann had cheated. Given that he was a streamer, his analysis of the situation was far more animated and entertaining than most other professionals. He also claimed that Hans had been banned from Chess.com in the past for cheating, a claim repeated by several other figures in the chess world.

I'm taking time to note Hikaru's response, because he was a crucial part in all of this. Of course it was always going to be a drama within the chess community. But Hikaru is notable for both being an Internet person, and *understanding* the Internet. He communicates in memes, in jokes, with big splashy statements that throw aside rules of etiquette. No major drama can thrive off of bland, pre-planned press releases and ten hour long analysis videos that end inconclusively. Magnus and Hans may have lit the fire, but Hikaru was the oxygen that it needed to grow into an inferno.

Both sides had a lot of arguments, so I've gathered them all here.

||Magnus fans|Hans fans|

|:-|:-|:-|

|Hans's performance fell after the Sinquefield cup started using stronger anti-cheating methods, going from a 270 ELO to a 250|His performance is worse now because he can't cheat like before.|Hans was publicly accused of cheating by a major figure, and chess is a highly mental game. It makes sense that he'd lose focus. Plus, other players in the tournament had similar drops in performance.|

|Experts looking at the game suggested they didn't see any proof of cheating|That's because Hans did so subtly, and used technology sparingly. High level cheating can be hard to detect without analysis.|There's no evidence of cheating because there was no cheating, Magnus is just mad.|

|Hans's interview made it look like he didn't understand the moves he made, and made a false statement about learning from Magnus's past game|He clearly didn't make all these moves himself, because he's unable to understand them. His lie about analyzing Magnus's past game proves this even more.|Again, he was just accused of cheating by the world's best chess player. Of course his head wasn't in it.|

|Hans has a long history of credible cheating accusations|Once a cheater, always a cheater. Why would he stop?|There's not enough proof to say that. Also, the allegations are that he cheated in online matches, not high level in person tournaments.|

|The tournament had vigorous anti-cheating methods even before they increased them|Clearly, they weren't good enough, and we've seen evidence of people evading them in the past.|This shows that Hans couldn't have cheated even if he wanted to.|

**An aside: Cheating at high level chess**

I figured it'd be worth taking a moment, and explaining *why* there was such debate. After all, if Hans cheated, it should be easy to find out, right?

The problem with catching cheaters at high levels is that it is *very* difficult to do accurately. While plenty of cheaters get caught, they tend to either be low level players or they're physically caught with communication devices. The usual method of analysis is to compare the move suggested by a computer to the move played, and see how often they match up. Unfortunately, this is only really effective for amateurs. After all, "this grandmaster who dedicated years of their life to chess made a lot of optimal moves!" isn't exactly an airtight claim. They also have the skill required to play without the computer, so they can use it sparingly, and not get caught by an algorithm. Niemann could have made a move from a computer, then two or three of his own, then the computer, and so on.

So while analysis can prove that Niemann wasn't *entirely* relying on a computer, and it can *suggest* that his moves were his own, it is very hard to say that he never used one.

Making it even more difficult, chess is a game where a tiny advantage can have massive effects. A single suboptimal move -- not even bad, just suboptimal -- can lose you the whole game. Think about it like Olympic sprinters. Sure, adding 0.05 seconds to their time wouldn't seem like a big advantage. But at their level, a tiny advantage to one competitor can be what it takes to win.

One last thing: chess is a highly mental game (all those buff chess players you see are just a coincidence). So someone's emotional state, sleep patterns, hell, even their appetite can all provide that tiny edge someone needs. Remember that for later.

**Digital anal-ysis**

This is the point where the vibrating anal beads theory first started. Note that it started as anal *beads,* not a plug, like so many foolish butt plebeians thought. Trust me, *completely* different feel.

People joked that Hans Niemann had vibrating anal beads up his ass, with a friend watching the game. The friend would plug the board into an AI, get the best move, and vibrate it to Hans using the butt toy.

From what I can tell, Chessbrah was first to mention it on a stream (although Eric Hansen may have done so first). Within minutes of him saying it (and no, I'm not exaggerating), r/AnarchyChess had gleefully jumped onto the meme, and were milking the ~~prostate~~ joke for all it was worth. The most iconic version of it was penned by u/XiTro with [this comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/chessmemes/comments/x8217h/the_real_answer_is_actually_elementary_magnus/). Even Elon Musk (thrice cursed spawn of a dozen devils that he is) [weighed in on Twitter](https://www.chessdom.com/elon-musk-comments-on-accusations-towards-hans-niemann-tweetoftheday/).

Most treated it as the meme that it was, but a number of people seemed genuinely convinced. Several poor, long suffering reporters were told by their editors to go do a serious article about the potential butt-bead usage. An adult cam site even offered Hans a vast sum of money if he'd play nude to prove he didn't have anything up his... sleeve. The anal beads meme became far more well known than any of the other legitimate complaints about cheating.

**Hans finally responds**

In another interview on September sixth, Hans discussed the allegations. And oh boy, he came out swinging.

Throughout the entire interview, he was clearly pissed off. He admitted that he'd cheated twice on Chess.com -- once at age twelve, once at sixteen. But in the three years since then, he claimed he had played completely honestly. In addition, neither of the games was significant. There was no money or official tournament involved. Why should he continue to be punished for the mistakes he'd made as a kid?

He even seemed to address the anal allegations, which had clearly left him sore

>They want me to strip fully naked, I’ll do it ... I don’t care, because I know that I’m clean. You want me to play in a closed box with zero electronic transmission? I don’t care, you know? Name whatever you guys want.

Hans, buddy, with all kindness: I really do not want to see you strip naked. Please don't.

But all of that became secondary. Because in the interview, he announced that he had just been banned from Chess.com because of the recent match against Magnus. Remember how I mentioned earlier that Magnus had made a chess app? Well, just over a week before Magnus had lost to Niemann, Chess.com had offered to buy it for $87 million. That deal was later finalized, with Magnus becoming a "Chess.com ambassador".

The plot thickens.

Hans accused Magnus, Hikaru, and Chess.com of trying to destroy his career, and announced that he was going to fight back. Why Hikaru? Well, Hans had noticed what was being said in the stream, as shown [in his tweet](https://twitter.com/HansMokeNiemann/status/1567665353727135746).

The day after this, Chess.com uninvited Hans from a major tournament, explaining that they'd reached out to him privately to explain his ban, and reiterating that it was *not* in retribution for Magnus's loss.

# The Middlegame

>We must throughout maintain a favourable pawn formation, in view of the end-game which might be forced on us by exchanges. On the other hand, as soon as we have gained an advantage sufficient to secure the victory in the endgame, we must ourselves, by the exchange of pieces, try to reduce the position

---

**The rematch of the century.**

On September 19th, both Magnus and Hans were set to play against each other once again, in the Julius Baer Generation cup. The chess world waited with bated breath, and watched the stream to see what would happen.

Magnus made his opening move... then resigned, and switched off his webcam.

People were *shocked* \-- most of all the [poor announcers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IW9Z_-wxq4E&ab_channel=GuardianSport) left to deal with it (seriously, just watch their reactions). A number of popular streamers were live streaming the game, many of whom had [similar reactions as they watched it](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rel6kLRZ-2w&ab_channel=ChessWolf). This was a definite breach in etiquette, and it shattered any remaining possibility that Magnus didn't suspect Hans. He was clearly refusing to play against him, and was purposefully making that statement in the most dramatic way possible.

It also pissed off a *lot* of people, including those who were fans of Magnus and who believed Hans cheated. The common sentiment was that if Magnus really believed Hans was a cheater, he should officially come out and say so, not dance around with middle school "I'm not playing with you" bullshit.

Magnus had stated that he'd refuse any interviews during the Baer cup (for reasons that are obvious in retrospect). However, when asked on broadcast, he replied

>Unfortunately, I cannot particularly speak on that, but people can draw their own conclusions, and they certainly have. I have to say I'm very impressed by Niemann's play and I think his mentor Maxim Dlugy must be doing a great job.

Hot *damn*. You can dislike Magnus, but the man has a genuine talent for subtle burns. Maxim Dlugy *was* Hans's mentor... and had been caught in a very public cheating scandal.

The International Chess Federation (FIDE) sent out a [tweet](https://twitter.com/FIDE_chess/status/1573337597879123969?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1573337597879123969%7Ctwgr%5E007c4f901c4aca744575b3562fd9e662e2fb4e8c%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbssports.com%2Fgeneral%2Fnews%2Fchess-sex-toy-cheating-scandal-explained-world-no-1-magnus-carlsen-hans-niemann-in-wild-sports-controversy%2F) with their thoughts on the situation. They weren't the ones running either tournament, but they explained that, as the governing body for the chess world, they were tied up in it. Their message was similar to what most others were saying: "Cheating is bad, and we'll look into it. But Magnus, dude, get a hold of your shit and do this properly." It was a message that could have been crafted by a dozen politicians, saying a whole lot without taking a side.

(Magnus went on to win the Baer cup anyway, but no one really gave a shit about that.)

**Magnus finally responds**

The day after winning the cup, Magnus [tweeted out an official statement](https://twitter.com/MagnusCarlsen/status/1574482694406565888?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1574482694406565888%7Ctwgr%5E007c4f901c4aca744575b3562fd9e662e2fb4e8c%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cbssports.com%2Fgeneral%2Fnews%2Fchess-sex-toy-cheating-scandal-explained-world-no-1-magnus-carlsen-hans-niemann-in-wild-sports-controversy%2F)

At this point, the gloves were off. He formally stated that he believed Hans was cheating, calling out not just one game, but his entire adult career. He talked about how cheating was an "existential threat" to chess, and how he wanted to fight it as a whole. At least in terms of worries about general cheating, Magnus is correct. Chess is experiencing a boom in popularity (with far more prize money), and is moving online, which means that people suddenly have much more motivation and opportunitY to cheat. This reframed the issue, from Magnus protecting his own reputation, to him defending the game as a whole from cheaters.

Magnus pointed out that Niemann had not been taking their game as seriously as most players would, appearing relaxed and not paying attention "while outplaying me as black in a way I think only a handful of players can do". This can certainly come off as a tad... egotistical, but Magnus seems to just be stating the facts as he views them. Chess is a highly stressful mental game, and grandmasters excel at studying each other's body language. A game with the best player in the world *should* have had more of an effect. Was Hans relaxed because he knew he was guaranteed to win? Or was he just really good at bluffing?

But what's that? What's that teeny little sentence near the end that most people overlooked?

>I am not willing to play chess with Niemann

What many people would come to realize is that this was *massive*. If you're organizing a tournament, and you have to pick between the world champion and a guy who is a pretty good player (with a very bad reputation to boot), who are you gonna go with? Magnus had already proven he would follow through on his threat. He was essentially shutting Hans out from a lot of high level play, silently asking organizers to pick a side.

**A new challenger has entered the arena -- the Chess.com** **report**

Chess.com had been mostly quiet after banning Hans, just denying that it was in retribution for Carlsen's loss. And then, on October fourth, they released their [report](https://www.chess.com/blog/CHESScom/hans-niemann-report) (alongside a [Wall Street Journal Exclusive](https://www.wsj.com/articles/chess-cheating-hans-niemann-report-magnus-carlsen-11664911524). And they brought the receipts.

The document is seventy-two pages long, and includes detailed analysis of over a hundred online games played by Hans, proving that he'd cheated in them. They used software, checked with experts, and looked to see how often he was clicking away from the page mid-game. All of that combined showed a frequent pattern of cheating. Contrary to Hans's previous claims, he had absolutely cheated at high levels and when money was involved, especially against other streamers. Quite repeatedly in fact. And far more recently than he had admitted.

And if that wasn't enough, it revealed that Hikaru's allegations had been true -- Niemann had previously been banned from the site. They revealed messages between Hans and themselves, where Hans apologized for cheating, which lead to him being allowed back. They also had transcripts from a call he made

>As you \[Hans\] admitted to me \[Danny\] in our call where you confessed that “having a higher rating would mean people tune in more to my streams when I’m battling Hikaru, Danya or Eric (Hansen). I need people to believe that I’m a worthy rival to follow and subscribe”.

You *have* to wonder why he'd lie about something when he had handed evidence to the people he was lying about.

They explained that they usually kept such matters private, and were only revealing them because Hans had made a number of public claims against them, and they wanted to set the record straight. The report also repeatedly emphasized that Carlsen had not been involved in the decision to ban Hans from the site or tournament, and that they had not been biased against him.

Although most of the report focused on Hans's online play using their site, a few pages were dedicated to his OTB (over the board) play. They didn't make any concrete accusations, but pointed out some irregularities in his game with Magnus, along with suggesting that his rise in success with OTB (over the board) play was extremely rapid and suspicious. However, they concluded by saying that they could find no significant evidence of OTB cheating, but suggested that someone look into the irregularities further, as they had no authority or data to make a conclusive statement.

The report closed with a brutal finale: revealing a personal letter to Hans, sent just after he made public accusations against them. Much of it just details the same things mentioned above, but they closed by offering Hans a way to get his account back, and to play in tournaments again, if he was willing to own up to his mistakes and start playing honestly. Hans had refused. His permanent suspension was no one's fault but his own.

I guess you could say they wrecked 'em. Or in in this case, they rectum.

So... drama over, right? Niemann had just gotten slapped down *hard*, and was proven both a liar and a cheater. Except it wasn't over.

**The holes in the report**

Many people, both pros and fans, pointed out that the report didn't necessarily validate Magnus's claims. It could prove he had cheated online, yes, but it couldn't provide concrete evidence that he had cheated in any OTB game, including the one against Magnus.

And as many people were quick to point out, Niemann's skill jump *would* have been suspicious -- if it weren't for Covid. Being stuck inside for so long with nothing to do but play chess obviously meant that people would grow in skill much faster than usual. Niemann's rapid growth was matched by a number of other players, and in that context, wasn't as suspicious as it looked.

Additionally, the report had included a redacted list of *other* chess grandmasters who had been banned or suspended from the site for cheating. Some fans argued that, while Hans may have cheated, there was a culture of doing so, and Hans was unfairly singled out to be made an example of.

Finally, some pro players complained that they were worried about Chess.com banning them too if they criticized them. There is no current evidence of this happening, but some have claimed they were sent threatening emails. Chess.com obviously denies that. So far, no one has come forward with any proof on those emails, so we're left to speculate.

Still, Hans would probably fine so long as he didn't do anything monumentally stupid

**Hans does something monumentally stupid**

On October 20th, Hans filed a lawsuit against Carlsen, Play Magnus Group (Magnus's company), Chess.com, Daniel Rensch (Chess.com CCO), and Hikaru, demanding a hundred million dollars for supposedly destroying his livelihood with slander and libel (among other things). He announced it by saying (and I shit you not) "My lawsuit speaks for itself". You can read the whole thing [here](https://s3.documentcloud.org/documents/23170256/niemann-carlsen-lawsuit.pdf), which I highly recommend. Please, I beg of you, read the whole thing. Or at least as much of it as you can stomach. It's like if the Navy Seal copypasta went to Harvard. It reads like a teenager making their first edgy, overpowered OC for some kind of chess fanfic, where the world is against him but he triumphs nonetheless. I mean, there is a motherfucking *narrative structure* here. Sure, it's not a *good* one, but damn if they didn't commit.

Regardless of if you think Hans cheated, his legal case is nonexistent. All parties involved -- even Hikaru -- were very careful in the wording they chose. They insinuate or accuse him of cheating online, but avoided anything that could be considered direct slander. In fact, many have since speculated this is why the Chess.com report was so purposefully noncommittal over OTB cheating: they knew he'd take them to court, and only wanted to make airtight claims. Funny enough, although the lawsuit spends a *lot* of time talking about the report, they skip over the emails in which Hans confesses.

Also, Professor Ken Regan? The guy who the filing cites as "the world’s foremost expert on cheating in chess"? The guy they claim disproved all of the claims against Hans in the report? Yeah, he's one of the guys who *wrote* the report, and is extremely pissed off about them claiming his support.

# Stalemate

>If one side or the other emerges from the conflict with some material gain, it will generally be possible to force a mate in the end-game, whilst if both sides have succeeded by careful play to preserve equality of material, a draw will generally ensue.

---

Sadly, there is no earth-shattering conclusion to all this. Magnus didn't hack into Hans's anal beads and crank them up to max when he was on live TV. Hans never managed to ***destroy*** Magnus with ***facts and logic***. Chess.com and Hikaru both filed for dismissal in the lawsuit, and while it may drag on for a long time, there is absolutely zero chance Hans will win it.

FIDE is still investigating the allegations, but it is going to be an *extremely* long process, and one unlikely to produce significant results. They require a 99% accuracy result to convict someone of cheating (barring physical or eyewitness evidence). They're pretty anal about this, and are notorious tightasses. Given that analysis by the best experts in the world has utterly failed to find anything so far, I doubt that Magnus's claims will pay off.

In contrast, the Chess.com report is airtight, and pretty much shut down any complaints in that area, as well as discrediting Hans's word. He still has some diehard supporters, but few people dispute the fact that he cheated online.

I don't think there's any party that came out of this experience with their reputation unscathed. Magnus is still widely popular, but more and more people have grown to dislike how he handled the situation, and doubt is cast on his accusations. Meanwhile, Hans's fate is far harsher. Few people still like him, and he has become more of a running joke than a serious contender. The common sentiment seems to be that even if Hans wasn't guilty of the exact thing Magnus accused him of, he was still a cheater and won't be missed. There's a heavy sense of karma around it.

It's more than a little Shakespearean: Hans had a very solid argument, and could have attracted a lot of sympathy. He *was* accused of OTB cheating without evidence, and *did* suffer because of Magnus publicly blacklisting him. If he'd stuck to that story, and avoided shitslinging, his reputation would have remained intact, and Chess.com never would have released their report. Hans has an aggressive style of play, and it appears that translates over into his real life as well. Ultimately, he is to blame for his own downfall. Worst of all for him, he's not just remembered for the cheating he did -- he is forever immortalized as "the butt plug guy". An eternal joke.

Both players have continued their professional careers. But given that Hans was [given an extra thorough ass-scanning](https://www.tmz.com/2022/10/06/chess-grandmaster-hans-niemann-butt-scan-accuse-cheat-us-championship/) at security, it seems that people are unlikely to forget. People are left with the unanswerable question:

**Did Hans cheat against Magnus?**

At the end of it all, this is the question we're left with. We know that he cheated online, that's undeniable. So he was certainly *willing* to do so. But none of the methods he used online would work in person.

The anal beads theory is obviously ridiculous (probably). However, there *have* been several instances of people sneaking in communication devices, or finding other ways to get around anti-cheating methods.

Hans has pointed to the fact that he has been scanned for devices at all games he has played in since as proof. The issue is that... it's not really proof at all. All it proves is that he's not cheating in the present, which, given that the eyes of the world are on him, just proves that he's not a complete moron. No one doubts he's good enough to play very well on his own against similar or lesser players. The question is if he cheated against Magnus, which can't be retroactively disproven.

However, Magnus is also left without any way to prove his claims. Analysis has failed to provide any significant evidence of cheating, meaning that he'd have to find proof of the method Niemann used, or get an actual confession from Hans, both of which seem unlikely to ever happen. At this point, the only things Magnus has are speculation and circumstantial evidence.

One theory suggests that Magnus had heard the cheating rumors about Hans before their game (something Magnus confirmed). As mentioned, chess is a highly mental game, and there is a noted phenomenon where players are worse when they think their opponent has a bot (they often doubt themselves, or are distracted by speculation). This may have given Hans the edge he needed for a legal victory.

I'll confess to some bias here. Obviously, I don't like Hans as a person (I doubt anyone really does). And I'll admit, I wanted to believe he cheated. But I also have to admit that, at least against Magnus, the evidence seems to be on his side. In the end, I guess the chess skill was inside Hans all along. Deep, deep inside him.

After all that, I guess there's just one thing you can say: Holy hell.

I do not even enjoy chess -- no less what appears to be strange chess RPF. Be warned, dear viewers: this anonymous ask is filled with a fair amount of swearing and absurdist sexual content. Perhaps you (no, not the asker) are, as they say, "into" chess RPF. You do you, friend.

#textposting #askposting #...#Ellipses Anon I must ask #How do you find these posts?

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pradagymbag · 11 months ago

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things we're leaving behind in 2023

Below is a short (but also kind of really long) list of things that are out in 2024. Peace and love to those who still engage with the following items/actions though. This is solely my opinion and mostly just for fun. That being said you should take all of these very seriously as if they were federal law. Without further ado, my list of outs for the new year. (It's almost February).

TikTok slang

It's time we go back to our roots and start studying up on ol' reliable (dictionaries). I am absolutely not one to hate on internet slang. Half of my vocab is non-english made up jargon from twitter. I am no better than the average internet abuser. HOWEVER, there is a drastic difference between common internet rhetoric and TikTok slang. It goes beyond acronyms, inside jokes, niche memes, etc. TikTok has cultivated this new wave of language that goes beyond anything we have ever seen in the history of the internet. Here are some things to eradicate from your vocab: rizz, gyatt, cheugy, unalive, bussin, delulu "the way", "it's the_____for me", "it's giving____", "beige flag", "bro is sus" "booktok", "frenchbulldogtok", "karentok" etc. I could keep going for so long but we're still on item 1 of this list so I will bite my tongue.

2. Sambas

Ugh this one makes me sad because I really did love this era. These were another classic Americanized (ruined) European trend. One of Adidas' most classic indoor soccer shoes, turned MASSIVE trend piece. These shoes were so perfect for everyday and they matched with everything. However, the number of people wearing them has gotten far too high. It pains me to say but these are the new all white Air Force 1s. Truly devastating. I don't even feel safe stepping out in my Onitsuka Tigers because I fear they will become the new government issued, default staple shoe.

3. Not setting boundaries/energy vampires

Keeping this one short and sweet. In 2024 we ARE setting boundaries and we are NOT letting people leech off of our energy. Everyone has dealt with someone who refuses to help themselves and continues to dig themselves deeper into a hole of their own sorrow. Obviously be there for your friends when they need, but there is a clear line where your role as a friend gets taken advantage of and you should never feel guilty for protecting your peace!

4. Joggers

GET THEM OFF ME IT BURNS MY ANKLES ARE SUFFOCATING AND I CAN'T BREATHE PROPERLY. Please wear what you like and feel comfortable in no matter what anyone says! Unless, you're going to be disgracing denim and destroying the purpose of sweatpants as we know them.

5. Editing photos to make them look like film

I can think of 1 EASY trick to make your photos look like film, shoot them on film! I absolutely love the process of editing photos and the different ways to make a photo have a certain look. What I can't wrap my head around is faking your medium. Film cameras are abundantly available in thrift stores and online secondhand shops. You can also find a decent new one without breaking the bank. The entire art of film photography is the unknown, the process, and unique outcome. Something about using your phone or computer to try and counterfeit that look feels backwards and unproductive. That being said if your a huji-cam diva, more power to you I guess!

6. Being anti-outdoors

NATURE IS HEALING!!!!!!!! I genuinely do not understand people who don't like going for a little walk, or just getting up and breathing some fresh air. If you'd rather stay inside and play on ur iPhone than get outside and connect with the world that created you I'm scared of you and not sorry.

7. Wanting to move to NYC

Okay okay relax, I want to move there too. Here's the thing though, there is such a difference in wanting to move to New York to pursue certain interests/careers/hobbies/etc, and wanting to move to New York solely because its New York. In 2023 more than ever I noticed people moving to NYC as if it's some sort of trend. It's such a wild concept to up and move to one of the most culturally diverse places in the country just to never go above 14th street. Dimes square you will be dealt with and forgotten in the new year.

8. Being embarrassed of your music taste

Erase the part of you that cringes and embrace the cringiest parts of yourself! I used to be so shy when someone would give me an aux cord and would only play music to cater to others. When I stopped censoring my tunes I noticed I was only being asked to aux more! I promise you people gravitate towards you more when you are being authentic.

9. Caring about Instagram

In 2023 there was a fad of "making Instagram casual again" but the thing is the "casualness" of these posts became more of a performance than ever before. The idea of trying so hard to curate a feed that looks like you don't try at all is so dystopian. Just post what you want to post when you want to post it. Not sure if anyone has told you this but it's actually your account! You can do whatever you please whether thats extravagant photoshoots or a random zoomed in picture of your grandma's living room.

10. Going to the mall

Let's be serious the mall was left behind long before 2024 came around, but we're making it official. These vibeless hellscapes need to be demolished before it's too late. Not only do they promote the abominable monster that is capitalism to the highest degree, they are just wholeheartedly awful and sinister. You're telling me this 4 story, 250,000 square foot demon of a building with a Cinnabon on every corner is bringing any sort of light into your life? I would call you a sick and twister liar, I don't care how good the Auntie Anne's is. Everything is expensive, made from cheap material, costs 5x more than it should, and is going to end up in a landfill anyways. Consider my case rested.

11. Everything bagel seasoning

This was genuinely peak Trader Joe's especially during the sourdough arch. That being said things got so dark when they started putting this literal bird food on salmon and other outrageous food items. Yes I love everything bagels, yes I love ice cream, no I absolutely do not want any everything bagel ice cream. This is just another reminder not to touch a classic or things will all go down the drain.

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whythehellnaut · 3 years ago

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The secret brilliance behind Nickelodeon All Star Brawl‘s marketing

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the Nickelodeon fighting game after it was announced, progressing from mild interest to ironic excitement to unironic excitement for it. So many jokes and memes have been made about it that they’re almost impossible to avoid. But when I thought about it, I realized that that’s exactly what the marketing team for this game wanted. The idea of the game is so absurd that no one would expect it to exist, but they figured out a way to make absolutely sure that it would create just the right buzz to get people like me to take serious interest in it.

Watching the trailer again, I figured out that every character they picked to showcase in that minute and a half trailer were carefully and strategically chosen to cater to as many people as they could. Even the order of their appearance had deliberation behind it. Here are my thoughts:

Michelangelo comes first, establishing that the game is combat focused. After all, who better to show off first for a fighting game than a character that has already appeared as a playable character in at least two of them? Plus, the Ninja Turtles are the oldest characters in Nickelodeon’s library when you consider that they first aired in the 80′s, before Nickelodeon even started making cartoons. This is a character that everyone recognizes, parents included.

Lincoln Loud comes next, a more modern character that adults might not know but kids will. This is to quickly lure the kids, who have less patience than adults, into watching the rest of the trailer, assuring them that it won’t just be older characters like the turtles that show up.

Powdered Toast Man comes next to snatch up the other side of the equation, the adults/90′s kids who remember him from the original Ren and Stimpy show from 1991. I’m not sure if it’s still airing as reruns on Nick today, but considering I hear very little about the show online, I’m guessing not. This is a bit of a surprise to the adults who thought it’d be a kids’ game, so it lures those folks into staying for the rest of the trailer as well.

Sandy is important to show off early for a number of reasons. Spongebob is popular among kids and Millenials, and is arguably the only property here as well known as Ninja Turtles, so they’re luring in more fans. It also serves to imply that other Spongebob characters will join, as, even though Sandy’s passion for karate makes total sense for her to appear in a fighting game, you still can’t leave out Spongebob himself. Showing her first implies more possibilities of characters to come, proving it won’t just be a festival of protagonists like Jump Force was. It also shows off their female representation to keep women interested.

Patrick is just a fan favorite to get out of the way before the sponge shows up, so he’s only here to confirm that the game is going to be full of characters that people actually want to see.

Oblina was personally a shocker to me, as I barely remember Ahh Real Monsters from my own childhood, but I remember enough to know that she wasn’t the protagonist, necessarily. I also know it’s relatively obscure in comparison to Spongebob or Ren and Stimpy, so they proved that they are willing to take characters from more obscure shows that the young kids won’t remember. This solidified my interest as I could tell that they are doing more to cater to the 90s generation than just confirming Powdered Toast Man.

Nigel Thornberry is arguably their most important addition at the halfway point. Outside of Spongebob characters and maybe Stu Pickles, I would say Nigel is the internet’s favorite Nickelodeon character to use for memes. The marketing team had to have known this. After getting some of the core audiences hooked, they now have the memer crowd invested, ready to spread the word about the insanity of this game’s premise across the internet. This is exactly what happened, and why the trailer has 2 million views on Youtube right now.

Lucy Loud is shown off quickly to remind the younger crowd to keep watching, and to add a little bit more female representation.

Spongebob is shown off a little bit late, but since we were expecting him to show up, it’s just to make sure the casual fans who only know the big names stay watching.

Helga is an older character, but I recently saw a young kid wearing a Hey Arnold tee shirt at the supermarket, so I’m positive it’s being shown as reruns on Nick today, so most Nick fans of all ages will be excited about her. Moreover, since she came immediately after Spongebob, who is a protagonist that was introduced after Sandy, a side character from his show, it gives an implication that Arnold will also appear. Although he is not introduced in this trailer, it allows the fans to speculate that he will soon be showcased, perhaps in the next trailer. Also, she’s the fourth female character shown, confirming that the game is being fair and inclusive to both sexes and not simply catering to male gamers, like say, Jump Force or Dragonball Fighter Z.

Reptar is another shocker, because although Rugrats is very popular and well known throughout the generations, he is a very, very minor character in the show. He is literally a fictional character within a separate fictional universe. The marketing team threw him in to show off that just about any character from any Nick property, no matter how minor or obscure, has a chance of making it into this game. Again, this forces the fans to speculate about future announcements with even more creative thinking, as we now know that it won’t just be major characters joining the fray.

Zim is a well thought out choice because he caters to a specific crowd that I’d describe as the alternative niche. That is to say, there are people who are fans of Invader Zim who don’t watch other Nick shows, so they are luring in the folks you’d expect to see at Hot Topic and the like. It was an edgy show with a feel and fanbase unlike other shows of its era, so it’s important to use him to diversify the roster. They also showed off Gir as his assist, and although that may deconfirm him as playable, it still pleases the fans, who often prefer Gir over Zim.

Danny Phantom is the only character that comes strictly from the 2000s era, so they are making sure to maintain the attention of the teenagers who watched that show as kids.

Leonardo seems like an odd choice to end on, maybe even anticlimactic, since they started with Michelangelo, but it makes sense when you think about it. They couldn’t show just 1 turtle, or else it might imply that the game’s roster was small. But if they showed all 4 turtles, they would have needed to leave two other characters out of the trailer to make room for them, and they didn’t want to make it look like a Turtles fighting game with guest characters. So having exactly 2 turtles allows them to show off enough characters from other properties, while also confirming unofficially that the other turtles would appear later, since you can’t just have 2 of the 4 turtles in the game. By leaving it open like that, they’re giving an implication that the roster is going to be huge. So big that the turtles were just a small portion of it. They end the trailer this way to leave the crowd speculating again: how many characters will appear in total?

The only characters that curiously don’t show up in the trailer are the cast of the Avatar franchise, who are quite popular. However, one of the stages shown is clearly the Air Temple with Aang’s glider in plain sight, implying that Avatar characters will be announced later. Another smart move to instill hope in the fans.

Finally, the Rollback Netcode announcement that came afterward solidified a very important group- the serious/competitive gamers. For those who don’t know, rollback netcode is relatively new technology that speeds up online gameplay to cut down on input lag, which is super important for fighting games in particular, as they rely on strict timing more than other game genres. It’s so new, however, that not all competitive fighting games use it. Popular tournament fighters like Super Smash Bros, Tekken, and Dragonball Fighter Z have not implemented rollback netcode for their games yet, so of all games, Nickelodeon All Star Brawl beating them to the punch is causing a stir. This is a sign that the devs are putting serious effort into making the game enjoyable online, which could potentially help its chances to be taken seriously in competitive settings. Only time will tell if that truly happens, but it’s a sign of quality, nonetheless.

So ultimately, this short trailer and announcement manage to cater to dang near every crowd that may want to play it: Kids, teenagers, young adults in their 20s and 30s, parents in their 40s, men, women, memers, casual fans, alternative fans, and serious gamers, and opens up a ton of potential for speculation regarding new announcements. That’s a fantastic way to start off and explains why this game, which for all intents and purposes should have been nothing more than a thought experiment that people joke about in the car with friends, has been trending so much for the past two weeks. Congrats to the marketing team for what they put together.

#Nickelodeon #nickelodeon all star brawl #fighting games #fgc

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fictionalabyss · 4 years ago

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Saltine.

Pairing : Crowley x Plussize!Reader

Word count : 1,930

Warnings : AU (Crowley isn't a demon but is super fucking rich), Cam girl, Cam show, drinking, partial nudity

Header by : @sorenmarie87, as always. She's the best and I adore her and her work.

Masterlist • Patreon • Ko-fi.

The internet was filled with so many girls thinking they could get rich quick just by taking off their clothes. Like they were something special, something to behold. But really, they were one in a billion. Forgettable. Nothing different from the next person.

You were one in thousands. Slightly better odds.

Being a BBW, while nothing overly special on it’s own, did do one thing for you. People who ended up in your room knew what they wanted. They wanted a curvaceous goddess in their face. Curves and softness, something you had plenty of. The pool of plus size cam girls was smaller than the pool of everyone else.

Beyond that, you did what people paid you to do. If a guy paid you to fill your room with balloons and pop them one after another by sitting on them, you did it. Rub lotion all over your stomach and then spit on it, sure. Wear clothes that were two sizes too small, why not.

Tonight was kind of like that. Packages from a few regulars had shown up in your PObox, and one of them had contained a bottle of booze. Glencraig, a scotch whiskey you’d never heard of until James showed up in your chat room and paid for a private show where you drank and talked with him for an hour about two months ago. Now you had your own bottle. So you had taken a picture of it sitting between your legs, put it as your profile pic on the site and titled your chat “Me and Craig. Let’s see where this goes.”

Crowley’s bored and frustrated. The office is empty and he’s supposed to be working but he’s pent up. It’s been a long day of morons fucking shit up and he needed a god damn break. Billions of dollars at his disposal and he still couldn’t buy good fucking help to run his business.

He’s scrolling through women, looking for someone to catch his eye and quickly realizing he doesn’t think anyone will. They’re all the same. Once you’ve had one, you’d had them all, and he’s had plenty in his time. Fergus McLeod was no innocent. He was the farthest thing from it.

With a grunt of disapproval, he started looking for something different, hoping for something new. Key words being typed into searches, but nothing catching his eye in half of those either. Not for long, anyways. ‘BBW’ was a keyword he’d hit. Not many girls online, some of them into some niche things that he’d honestly consider, but all their pictures were the same. Every single one.

Except one. It had him leaning closer, trying to read the label. Interested enough in that at least, he hit join. What he found inside made his cock twitch.

A dark leather chair, not too different from one he sat in himself. Smooth thick thighs he found himself wanting to bite into. And between them? The item that had taken hold of his interest, the reason he’d clicked to join. Glencraig. The bottle was freshly opened from the looks of it, about three fingers missing, so probably only on her second glass at most. He leaned in again, trying to get a closer look at the label. A soft curse fell from his lips when he saw the numbers 1974, and then ‘Aged 34 Years’. His cock twitched again, and he found himself reaching down to grip it through his slacks.

It was a close up of the bottle right now, and he wasn’t complaining. No one complained when she went to refill her glass, either. A whiskey glass was brought down to her thigh, then the bottle was brought out of where it was nestled, and a bare pussy was exposed. Chimes rang through his office, followed by a soft giggle as she poured, and then the bottle was placed back down, her pussy hidden once more behind the amber liquid and the black label. Then the camera moved.

It was tilted up more, following the glass as it was brought up to her lips and she took another sip. A shiver ran down her spine as it burned, and Crowley found himself smiling along with her. He heard another chime, then her laugh again. The tip amounted to about 75$, give or take.

“James, don’t be absurd, you already paid for the bottle.” She spoke as she pushed the camera back, giving a full view. Bottle between her legs and that seductive smile on her lips.

A message came up in the chat that read ‘Maybe I want you to be able to get yourself another. Hey guys! Let’s get her enough to order another bottle so we can have another night like this!’

The chat sped up, messages agreeing with the sentiment, and more chimes of tips being given for the cause. Another giggle came from her lips as she brought the glass back up to her mouth.

Not to be out done, Crowley made a donation of his own.

You were smiling, giggling, happy that everyone seemed to enjoy the theme of the room tonight. Glad that James approved of how you used his gift. You tilted the glass back just as a few chimes went off signaling more donations, and one of them made you choke on the scotch and spit it out. You stared at the screen, stunned as the liquid ran down off your chin.

Who the fuck was TheKing, and why did he just drop what had to be about 2 grand on you?

A new alert sounded, and you noticed you had a DM. Speak of the devil.

>> TheKing : From one Glencraig lover to another. I hope you enjoy it, love.

You stared at it, still in shock. In all your time as a cam girl, on here, on BBW specific sites, nothing like this had ever happened before. People bought gifts, sure, but this?

>> TheKing : Breathe, darling. >> TheKing : Don’t forget to breathe.

Realizing you had just been sitting there staring at the screen, you wiped your chin off and licked your lips, trying to collect yourself. The main chat was blowing up, you weren’t the only one dealing with shock and awe with what just happened.

“Uhm.” you breathed out awkwardly, not sure what to say, how to react. Was this real? “All hail The King?” an awkward chuckle followed the words, but the chat room was filled with messages of ‘all hail TheKing!’ “Should I bow.. or..” you joked, with a shy smile.

>> TheKing : No need to bow, love. >> TheKing : Though I wouldn’t say no to a conversation.

A soft smile graced your lips before you typed out your answer.

<< Saltine : We’re having a conversation. >> TheKing : I was thinking something a little more face to face. >> TheKing : I hear your voice, you hear mine.

You licked your lips, the general chat room forgotten for the moment. With money he dropped on you, your undivided attention for a moment was the least you could do.

<< Saltine : I don’t meet people from the site in person. It’s a safety issue, I’m sure you understand.

Three little dots in the corner let you know he was typing almost immediately.

>> TheKing : I wouldn’t expect you to, love. I meant more of a chat where I have my camera on too. Make it a little more intimate. I don’t mind paying for a private show where you don’t need to show anything. I would just like a drink with you.

You chewed on your bottom lip for a moment, considering the offer. Private shows didn’t really happen a whole lot, but when they did, it was charged by the minute so it was worth the time. You found yourself using your thumb to crack the knuckle of your index finger, and then your middle one before you nodded. “Yeah, we can do a private chat.” you spoke, letting the chatroom know your cam would be shutting off in there in a minute.

>> TheKing : You just made me a very happy man, darling. Whenever you’re ready, you let me know.

You were chewing on your lip as you waited for his cam to kick in. It was a moment of black before a bright light seemed to come on, and quickly it shifted. There was black in the middle of brightness, and then slowly the light seemed to adjust. It was a window. A massive window. As the lighting adjusted, you found yourself looking at a man in a suit and behind him, a city skyscape all laid out for him. Glancing at the time, you wondered where in the world he was. Was it evening like where you were, the sun still holding on and not yet ready to set, or was that a morning glow behind him. Either way, it looked beautiful.

The man himself was something to behold. Not stunningly beautiful, not young and fit like some of the guys who popped up on camera for you, but captivating. He seemed to demand attention, radiating power. He was someone. A few very short hairs touched his forehead, he had a short beard as well, one you had the urge to run your fingertips over. Dark piercing eyes that you felt burning into you as one side of his mouth turned up into a smirk at your reaction of seeing him.

“H-hi.” you stuttered, then curse yourself for it.

His smile only widened. He brought a glass up, and that’s when you noticed the bottle on his desk. The same as the bottle still sitting between your thighs. He took a sip, then placed the glass down on the dark wood. “Why Saltine?” he asked, and you felt your stomach flutter at the accent.

“Because I’m so fucking salty all the time?” You gave him a shy smile. “Why TheKing? What are you the king of?”

“Your dreams.” He answered without hesitation and a fuck ton of confidence. He was cocky, he knew the effect he had on people and how to use it. “If you wish it.”

“Tempting.” you try to tease, lifting your own glass to your lips. “Why me?” you ask before sipping.

“Glencraig. Aged 30 years or more, there is no finer drink, love. It’s rare to find a woman with such tastes.”

“It was bought for me.”

“But you enjoy it, yes?” You gave him a nod. You had to admit, it wasn’t bad. “A woman of taste.” he smiled again. “What other things do you enjoy, Saltine? Money? Things? Travel?”

“Are you offering?” he intrigued you. He really did. Something about him made you want more and you didn’t even know him. “I could use a vacation.”

“Anywhere you want, darling. Where would you like to go?”

“Paris.” You answered quickly, and it didn’t seem to faze him at all. “Scotland.” you added. “England. Ireland. India. Japan. I want to see it all.”

His smile widened again. “Scotland, eh? It has been a while since I’ve been home.”

“I was joking.” you chuckled.

“I wasn’t. In another life, I could’ve given you everything you wanted and more with just a snap of my fingers.” You sat there, stunned again. “Choose a place and I’ll send you there. If you want, I’ll take the time and meet you there. The choice is yours, darling. It’s been a long time since I’ve been this interested in anything.”

“All because of a bottle of Craig?” you asked.

“Everything good in life starts with a quality scots. Be it a whiskey, or a scotsman.” he winked. “So where first?”

*If you like this, please consider supporting my work*

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#crowley x reader #plussize!reader #crowley #crowley fic #reader insert #crowley au #au #au fic #spn #spn fic #spn au #supernatural #supernatural fic #supernatural au

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knifetoxgunfight · 4 years ago

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Catching Up

Word Count: 1228 Requested: No Summary: Bucky discovers Tik Tok. Genre: Fluff Pairing: Sambucky (Sam Wilson x Bucky Barnes) Warnings: None

Main Masterlist

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Bucky walked into their shared apartment, a new phone in his hand. He seemed perplexed, confused by the small device. He had learned many ins and outs of modern technology in Wakanda, but the internet still confused him. The device was so small, yet could do more than most computers he had ever used. The internet wasn’t even a thought yet in the 40s. He couldn’t quite grasp what it was, why it was so popular, and how to use it. He hadn’t noticed that he was still standing in the doorway, swiping through a particular app he was trying to understand until Sam walked up to him. Sam hadn’t said anything for a moment, crossing his arms over his chest in hopes Bucky would notice him before he spoke. Much to his dismay, Bucky was too enthralled in the small device to pay any mind to Sam. He wasn’t intentionally ignoring the other, he was just incredibly focused. It spoke to his comfort around his lover; He was comfortable enough in their shared apartment to let his guard down and get distracted. Bucky didn’t feel the need to know everything around him all the time here. Sam finally spoke up.

“Bucky? What are you….oh. Need some help, old man?” Sam was just teasing. Cell phones were confusing to people who lived their whole lives in the modern-day, he was astonished Bucky managed to understand half of the things he did. Bucky was so open to new concepts, learning new information, and adapting his behavior. He had such an open mind to learn, something most people in the modern-day lacked. Sam was constantly proud of his boyfriend, but a little teasing was inevitable.

“Shut up, Sam. I’ve got it,” Bucky huffed, resistant to Sam’s help. He wanted to figure it out on his own. He felt like he had something to prove. He belonged here, he just wanted to feel like he did. He felt he belonged here, in this apartment, but in the outside world, he felt so out of time. Everything moved so fast and he barely was able to catch up. He constantly felt that every time he got close, there was something new to learn. Before Bucky had a chance to react, Sam reached forward, snatching the phone from Bucky’s hand.

“Sam stop-”

“Twitter huh? Seems like you got it pretty figured out here. You’re verified.”

“That’s not what I was trying to figure out. Shuri mentioned something about this like tik tok and I wanted to figure it out. I was gonna ask Twitter for help.” He was embarrassed. Bucky thought he sounded like an idiot, not knowing what any of these things were. Young people talked about it all the time, that and a long-gone app called Vine. He hated being around teens because they were barely a fraction of his age and so much more advanced than he was. Teenagers made him feel so far behind. At least around teenagers, he was supposed to feel out of place, but with Sam? He just wanted to be on the same level or at least close.

“I’m impressed. You didn’t have to ask Twitter, I know how tik tok works. C’mere let me show you.” Bucky grumbled. He wanted to do it himself, yet he couldn’t resist the excitement in Sam’s voice. Sam was always so eager to help Bucky, but Bucky felt bad asking for help. These were things any person born of modern times just knew. If Sam had been with anyone else, he wouldn’t have to offer help. Bucky wanted to at least pretend they had a normal relationship.“Okay so you see this plus sign at the bottom of the screen, you tap here to make a video…” They spent hours teaching Bucky the ins and outs of tik tok. They made Bucky an account and posted a few videos. For every one video they posted, they made about 100 drafts of other things. They posted some on Sam’s account, some on Bucky’s. Viewers loved Bucky and loved their relationship. They quickly became a tik tok power couple. Bucky was verified rather quickly and eventually found his niche. Most of the cute couple videos were usually on Sam’s account, but Bucky had other plans.

People asked a lot of questions, most often about his involvement in history and what the Winter Soldier had done. He didn’t mind, having moved past that part of his life and made it pretty far into his recovery. Some things were a little much, but he just didn’t answer those ones, and Sam taught him how to block people. Oftentimes Sam would reply to those comments, letting them know Bucky wasn’t comfortable answering those kinds of questions. Bucky answered a lot of questions...though most of them were fictitious stories. Nobody could tell him he was wrong, they weren’t there. Not all of his stories were falsified, so nobody really knew what was true and what wasn’t. He told adventures he never went on, changed details to make stories more entertaining, and even added some embarrassment to his friends that weren’t true. Even Sam had trouble deciphering the falsified stories from the real ones. Once, specifically after watching a tik tok Bucky had made detailing a false story about pre-serum Steve, Sam went up to Bucky. He was almost tricked into thinking it was real, but it sounded too good to be true. It was far too funny.

“Did he really do that?” Bucky paused before answering, breakout out into a fit of laughter. Sam wasn’t sure why he was laughing, it was a genuine question.

“No, idiot. I made it up, you should know I do this by now.”

The real fun came when people started asking Bucky about times he wasn’t even alive for. He was born in 1917, though doesn’t really remember much before the war. It was over 100 years ago, it wasn’t his fault. He invented this elaborate narrative, that Hydra had invented time travel and made him gather intel from times before. It was a rather complex story, one that felt almost too detailed to be false. Nobody could tell if he was serious or not. Bucky loved it, he had the whole world at his fingertips, and they all loved him.

Sam's tik tok was a whole different dynamic. He forced Bucky into all the couple challenges and trends, a few failing miserably and ending hilariously. Bucky acted as if he hated it, though, in reality, he found it adorable and endearing. Sam used it to document their lives, and answer questions, both about the world and their relationship. It was unexpected how many questions people had about their relationship. Some were highly inappropriate, but they answered them without answering, making jokes along the way. Really, it was just a lighthearted way to connect with people who loved them, and for them to share their love with the world. Most people were so very accepting and supportive, and the few who weren’t were just a laugh for the couple. Truly, it was perfect. They had their fair share of haters, especially people who were angry that Captain America was in a gay relationship, especially with an ex-Hydra assassin, but they brushed it off. For every one person who hated them, there were 10 more that loved them. And that was enough.

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crampdown · 4 years ago

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got tagged by @thespiritofvexation @see-sawed and @lovely-menza (thaaanks :D) to answer some lovely questions~

1. Why did you choose your url?

I love the song “Clampdown” by The Clash almost as much as I love horrendous puns. And that’s how I got to a name that’s basically a period joke :^>

2. Any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

Nah. But I am thinking of eventually creating a side blog since I’ve been drawing a lot of original stuff lately and not the fanart doodles that got me most of my followers in the first place. But I’m currently too lazy to make a new blog

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

Let’s say I’ve been aware of this infamous hellsite since 2016 mostly for some artists I liked back then. But I didn’t make an own account until late 2018 before finally posting stuff in 2019.

4. Do you have a queue tag?

No. I’ll spam ten to twenty rbs in a row and then vanish for the next three days again

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

Because I gained interest in everything classic rock back in summer 2018. I’ve always enjoyed this kind of music but didn’t bother to learn anything about the musician in question least of all their NAME up until this point. But the “Yellow Submarine” film won me over and before I knew better, I started doodling the Beatles :^) however it would take me more than half a year before I finally gathered the courage to upload my drawings somewhere. At this point I’ve already gotten into Pink Floyd (cause I used some of their music as inspiration for a short comic but that’s another story). FUN FACT: Me being a music dummy not knowing anything about certain subgenres looked up “How do I tag Pink Floyd? Like, what are they?? Prog? Dunno what that is but okay! Gonna write that in the tags :D” And that’s how I accidentally catapulted myself into the prog niche of the Classic Rock Fandom. Hi.

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

It’s the ugly-ass-sort-of-mascot-rabbit that originated from a three year old doodle of mine when I wanted to draw a furry parody, anthropomorphic rabbit but as disgusting as possible, sloppy schlong and all that jazz :^). But since you can’t see him in my header thanks to the ink bottle, he’s quite the looker. Also I love inking the most when it comes to arting around.

7. Why did you choose your header?

Made it myself and still am quite proud of it ^^

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

To this day still that one inktober drawing featuring the Maxwell’s Silver Hammer Recording session :D

9. How many mutuals do you have?

tbh the exact definition of “mutual” is beyond me so I’m not sure. Let’s just say there are definitely some people I love appearing on my dash

10. How many followers do you have?

495 as we speak ^^

11. How many people do you follow?

52 blogs respectively because I always need some time and consideration before following anyone

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

I’m sure there are some cartoons I made counting as shitposts, at least that’s the category I’d put in any sort of meme redraw

13. How often do you use tumblr each day?

depends.

14. Did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

Sometimes “hOt tAkEs” will randomly appear on my dash and some of them really make my blood boil but not to the point I’d actually bother to interact with them. I just hate online drama way too much. Everytime I see internet discourse completely escalating about the most abstract of concepts I just wish these people would actually spend some time outside.

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

Oh speaking of random things on my dash that make my blood boil....! I wish :) everyone participating in :) blatant emotional manipulation :) a very pleasant “hope you’ll wet your sleeves while washing hands” :)

16. Do you like tag games?

yes ^^

17. Do you like ask games?

yeeeeess

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

I thought the general opinion on tumblr fame is that it’s basically worthless?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

I don’t think so? However I love the things you people create <3

20. Tags

gonna tag: @catfacedcryptid @nolavulpina @taterpie @raptorcat1960 @mothmanghost @melloclastic and everyone who feels like it :)

#tag game #cramp talks #thanks this was fun ^^

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sanshineaus · 5 years ago

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six or so

JUNG YOONOH/JAEYHUN X READER

warnings: none

type: drabble, fluff

word count: 2694

a/n: yoonoh tattoo for new comeback yoonoh tattoo for new comeback yoonoh ta-

”Oh my God, Yoonoh,“ your hands instinctively come to cover your mouth, your lips already curling into a grin that makes your eyes turn into crescents.

“Yeah?” the man in question raises his head from his phone, and you can’t help but let out an incredulous chuckle. Now that his neck is in view, the tattoo adorning it truly makes you huff with joy.

The other commuters at the bus station certainly aren’t fans of your ardour.

The ink is anything but delicate, and tracing it with your eyes, you realize how big it really is. Running from his collarbone and all the way up to his ear, the face seems hostile; and although you can’t make out exactly what it is, the fangs are simply perfectly done, and the rough shading only adds onto the charm of it.

Your hands slowly find their way back down to your sides, and your grin seems to widen as you let out yet another peep of pure joy, “It looks so good on you!”

Yoonoh’s smile in return is quite bashful, and he hangs his head down once again with a small wince—the flesh must still be a bit tender, after all he had only disappeared for six or so days and judging by the size of the tattoo it can’t have healed evenly everywhere.

Your best friend finally lifts his beautiful head again, and you feel yourself flutter when you catch his grinning gaze, his teeth on full display as he moved to greet you at last. A quick hug, though he makes sure to sway you both to the left, and you can’t help the laugh which bubbles up to your lips once again.

Yoonoh just seems to elicit joy from you, every single one of his appearances prompting you to smile and brightening your day. It’s not that he offers himself to do so or anything like that—it’s just that you feel it’s only natural to mimic the dimpled boy in his very own cheer.

You’ve exchanged so many jokes and tremors within the six or so years you’ve known each other. From highschool and petty drama where you vowed to each other to never interact with humans over a pint of rum-chocolate ice cream, to now; fresh out of college and promising each other to not forget friend date nights over a bottle of whatever was cheap and weak (because you both thankfully found jobs and you’d like to keep them AND drink on week nights).

You two finally begin walking, away from the bus station you, and into the street right next to it. The change of scenery would’ve given you whiplash if it weren’t for you getting accustomed to the city. Bustling with life, the new corner of town breathed modern and chic, paved elegantly but full of people on a nightly outing, much like yourself and Yoonoh.

Along the pavement, mostly restaurants and niche stores lined up one after another. Though the stores were mostly in the process of closing up (like the leather store you knew everyone went to for a new wallet or jacket), the restaurants were just starting. Even if none of them stayed open past one in the morning, their peak was just starting. Traditional restaurants which you knew to be distinguished, those newer and sleek ones with food you’d spend half your paycheck on, and of course the animal cafés wrapping up their last shift, it was all so natural.

“So, what do you feel like eating?” you break the silence, looking at the man next to you. Yoonoh seems to break out of a reverie and you wonder why he’s so beautiful just simply not paying attention.

“The usual?” he asks out loud, and you simply agree by rising to your tippy toes to scan how far away your favourite restaurant is. The crowd is certainly at a peak tonight, and although you know where to go, Yoonoh grabs you by your elbow, gentle as ever, and breaks his way through the crowd.

He’s truly a darling, you realize, when he links your arms properly and worms his way through the surplus of people. You try to look ahead so as not to bump into anyone, but even from the side, Yoonoh is so distracting and simply amazing. Your heart thumps in your chest.

Even as you face the restaurant door, and both try to peer inside to check for a possible table, he doesn’t let go of your arm. For a split second, there’s guilt creeping up your neck for the sole reason of your heart racing and your stomach fluttering for contact which you’re used to, and something he’s done before with you, but it quickly dissipates when you remind yourself that it’s fine. You’re not doing anything wrong just holding on to your friend, because Yoonoh wouldn’t have continued to hold you if he wasn’t okay with it.

What does kill you, though, is him opening the door for you.

It’s a simple gesture and he’s just being polite, you remind yourself again, and you’re probably right. But the way he smiles at you before saying there’s a table he saw by the cash register? It simply knocks a breath out of your lungs, and you grin while you follow him.

Your dinner goes well— when you’re seated, you immediately begin catching up. Yoonoh tells you about his promotion, and before you know it, you’re deciding on ordering shots to really celebrate. Neither of you are drunk because your meals are truly heavy and the drinks you ordered before the shots were sipped slowly, but you’re feeling buzzed and elated.

It’s only after you start discussing music that you realize the restaurant is beginning to slowly but surely clear out. People were leaving and the staff were wiping down tables with an air of finality. To avoid feeling bad, you finish up your drinks and split the bill before walking outside, which is when Yoonoh turns to you, “Come over?”

Come over. You chuckle at that and nod, obviously. You’ve been over before, sleeping over and joking around with Yoonoh. You didn’t do it often¸ because you were two adults with busy schedules, but sleepovers with him were such a warm thing to experience.

You slept over for Christmas the first year he got the apartment— cozying up and taking quizzes on the internet before making breakfast food for dinner. You stayed up more than you slept, and you even ended up building a fort for your friends who were set to come over in a couple hours. It felt incredibly homey, and you truly had fun.

But you had work tomorrow… and so did he… Before you could even get a word in, he grabbed your hand to lead you out of the street, which was also slowly clearing out. “I’ll call in sick, I hope that you can, too.”

Come to think of it, you could— you didn’t use any sick days, and you definitely missed talking to Yoonoh when the clock hand passed three. He was much more open and raw, and so were you; but the comfort never left. He’d tell you about his life, and you’d tell him about yours before one of you would crack a horrible joke that made both of you feel better.

Catching the bus is easy enough, and you and Yoonoh find yourself in front of his apartment soon enough. Walking up the stairs is a bit of a struggle, because he keeps giggling and it makes you way too happy to focus on the basic action of moving. But this is fine, because he seems so happy and light on his feet that it simply makes you forget your inability to concentrate around him.

He opens the door for you again, and you rush to take your shoes off so that you can jump onto his couch. He makes a sound, you assume to complain, before he comes to yank you from the couch by your arm.

“Come on, I’ll give you spare pyjamas! Get up,” he whines, though there’s a grin on his face, and he finishes by huffing. You only listen to him because you feel uncomfortable in the attire you have donned (or that’s what you tell yourself).

It’s when you’re both in his undoubtedly large bed, together and under two blankets because he insists it’s cold, giggling at a silly remark you made, that you realize how smitten you feel. Yoonoh looks adorable in his sleepwear, eyes hidden behind his eyelids as he smiles. You caused that smile— something that brings a weird sense of pride into your heart. It makes you feel warm; Yoonoh makes you feel warm.

He decides at once that it’s time to sleep, and your gaze casts towards the clock on his wall reading four fifty something. It’s closer to six than you’d like, and you agree to both text your workplaces before passing out.

You’re not proud of the lie you come up with for your manager, but you don’t stress about it as you turn your back to Yoonoh so that you can finally close your eyes. You simply can’t, though, your stomach tightening with a burning curiosity.

You turn to him again, “Yoonoh…” and he opens his eyes gingerly. You laugh at his confused eyes, before inching closer— maybe too close, but your own gaze finds his neck. “Why did you get the tattoo? Really.”

He purses his lips, turning his head upwards so you can get another look at the tattoo. You wiggle your hand out of the blanket to softly press against his neck, tracing the design gingerly. He doesn’t complain, but you can tell that the very edges of the tattoo still haven’t healed up properly, and so you retract your hand.

“You want a truthful answer? I just thought it’d be cool,” Yoonoh begins, “but it has a meaning. It’s an oni tattoo on the neck, which would mean I would’ve been able to hide it if I had long hair. It’s not the mask though, so it wouldn’t be ‘evil’.

“It can mean two things— the fangs mean that I’m warding off people and protecting myself. Kinda like one of those poisonous frogs, but less colourful. The face itself means that I’m trying to transcend humanity, get better and grow stronger with the help of people.

“Oh, and speaking of colour— I wanted it in full colour at first, but then the artist suggested more fine lined detail and we just went with it. I guess I’m happy with it, since it’s on my neck and all.”

You hum in wonder, coming to lie down even closer to him. Your nose brushes against his shoulder, and you hear Yoonoh’s breath hitch, making your own stop in its tracks. “It’s cool, too. I already told you it looks good,” you whisper.

You hear him let out a laughing breath, before he bids you goodnight with your name in tow.

When you wake up again, the morning feels way too new. Somehow, throughout the night (or, morning, rather, as it’s now well in the afternoon) you managed to get your head on Yoonoh’s chest. His arm sits around your shoulders, whilst yours is wrapped around his torso. He’s still sleeping peacefully, and so you slip out of his death grip as quietly as you can, so as not to wake him.

You know your way around his home, and your instinct is to make him tea. You’re not sure what he has in his fridge, so you opt not to start on breakfast. Yoonoh had the worst habit of forgetting to stack up or grocery shop at all, usually getting take-out instead of cooking. You don’t exactly want to take your chances.

You do work while he’s asleep, though, washing his dishes and wiping down his fancy counter. He comes out while you’re throwing away the paper towel you used. Yoonoh’s morning smile is the best thing in the world, you think, because he seems so pure as he comes to prop himself up on the counter.

“Good morning.” His voice is even better to head, and the grogginess not fully gone from it makes you smile as you hand him the cup of lukewarm tea.

Your cup is nearly finished, but as you bring it up to your lips, he speaks, “Can I ask you a question?”

A million things run through your mind at once, at last settling on concern for your friend. You raise your eyebrow at him, sitting across from where he was leaning. Yoonoh smiles at you again, most likely to try and put you at ease, “Did you… did you enjoy your time with me?”

It rings in your head that something’s not right, and your face contorts as you try and figure out what he means. Your voice carries a curious lilt within it, “Of course. I always enjoy when we go out.”

But it doesn’t seem to be enough for him. Yoonoh takes a sip of his tea, and his eyes seem determined to bore into your soul. You try to maintain the intense eye contact, waiting for him to finally voice his doubts. Within minutes, everything has turned way too tense for your taste, and you simply have to reach out to press your hand against your friend’s arm.

He puts his tea mug down, standing upright and walking over to your side of the counter. You’re entirely surprised when he grabs your cheeks, cupping them together. You let out a noise you’re not proud of, and involuntarily jerk backwards, but the man simply holds you in place. He’s gentle, though, and you ease up once he gives you a smile.

“I meant, did you enjoy sleeping with me,” to this you give a snort, and he grimaces before pinching your cheek, “not like that, you nerd.” This causes you to give a half-assed kick to his shins, to which he pretends to be incredibly hurt, ows and ouchs included.

“Yes, Yoonoh. I enjoyed sleeping in your bed,” you chuckle, hooking your hands onto his elbows. “What’s with the sudden questioning?”

He squished your cheeks together once more, “I don’t really know where to start with it. You make me kind of nervous to even try.”

You could feel heat rushing to your cheeks, your brain running through and endless amount of possibilities as to what Yoonoh could possibly mean. Your hands gripped at his elbows, and your eyebrows furrowed as you got ready to fire out questions, but luckily he spoke again before you embarrassed yourself.

“I’ve always felt different towards you, I guess. We’ve been friends for so long that I just never thought it was anything serious. And I’ve felt this before— just like last night— but… ahh,” his face scrunched up, and yours followed soon as the corners of your lips rose into a petite grin.

“I guess what I’m saying is that I really, really like you, and yesterday cemented it.” He finally gets out, sighing. You stay there for a moment, letting his words register in your brain. He’s special to you… and you sound to be just as special to him.

Your hands move to his wrists, patting them to get him to loosen up. It gives you some leeway to close the distance between the two of you, bringing him into a ginger kiss. Yoonoh seems surprised (though you don’t entirely blame him for it), a startled yip leaving his lips. His grip on your cheeks loosens with time as he moulds his lips against yours, thumbs running over your cheeks.

You don’t keep him there for long, sudden bashfulness hitting you. You pull away, finding it a bit challenging to look him in the eyes again, though when you do you’re met with the warmth you’ve familiarised yourself with. You can’t help the laugh bubbling out of you, pulling Yoonoh close to you into a death grip of a hug.

“I really, really like you too silly. And for six or so years, too.”

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fadingfloweryouth · 4 years ago

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Cultural Appropriation among East Asian Popular Culture

*I am aware that amidst the rise of AAPI hate crimes, this is a very sensitive time to be talking about this. However, I think it is very important for East Asians (in my case, a Chinese immigrant living in the States) to address our own ignorance and avoidance on this issue in order to have solidarity with other BIPOC communities. My emphasis is on the media portrayal of cultural appropriation and how that could be potentially damaging, I do not intend to imply that cultural appropriation is prominent among all East Asians.*

If you are a frequent consumer of East Asian pop culture, you would be lying to say you haven’t seen an idol or a celebrity wearing dreads on camera. Sometimes they do so to create a streetwear look, sometimes they do so to deliberately play a character. We also tend to turn a blind eye to the countless bad rapping performances and the occasional half-joking bits about tribal, native cultures. As of now, many fans tend to defend their favs by calling these instances as acts of negligence, that none of these celebrities had an intent to harm; but how much longer, and farther, should we tolerate cultural appropriation in East Asian pop culture?

East Asian popular culture has become part of the global mainstream in recent years. With the help of social media and the supplemental supports from local governments (think South Korea), today’s cultural flow go in both directions: while Asian pop culture is often inspired by Western elements, East Asian media production is now the new leading force of culture.

One “neutral” definition of cultural appropriation could be summarized as the representation of cultural practices or experiences and the distinctive artistic styles of the particular culture used by nonmembers. However, misrepresentation, misunderstanding and manipulation of culture is frequent and damaging to many marginalized, underrepresented groups.

Appropriating Hip-hop

Even though there is a “neutral” definition of cultural appropriation, there is no neutral way to appropriate a culture. The moment you partake in a cultural practice that is not your own, you are marking it with your own social marker. Just to give an example, the rise of Gangsta Rap was in response to the mass incarceration of Black people during the War on Drugs era. The history of rap and hip-hop, as a whole, is tightly connected to Black lives in America.

So why is Asian rap so filled with flexing culture? The answer is simple. The rise of hip hop and rap in the East Asian music scene is a simple copy-and-paste of the Western pop chart. Hip-hop has become the best selling genre, yet it’s important to note that today’s hip-hop has taken a detour away from its root. Hip-hop and rap has been rendered with pop sounds, often rendered with the voices of white performers as well.

The idol factories in both South Korea and China had picked up the trend. Hip-hop and rap is what gets the cash, so that’s where the executives want to take their trainees. Shows like The Rap of China(这就是说唱), Rap for Youth(说唱新时代), received enormous popularity in the last few years among young Chinese people. While the popularization of these shows can help nurture more diversifying music tastes beyond the typical Chinese pop music, they portray rap and hip hop in a highly inaccurate fashion. The flows and forms featured in performances felt unilateral, often with a strong emphasis on flexin’ solely for the sake of flexin’. In addition, in no way did any of these shows serve to educate music lovers on the history and background of hip hop and rap.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hIJnBh7Dv8

P.s. this video features Rich Brian, I think it goes without saying that he’s probably not the best person to be educating Chinese youth on rapping.

Appropriating Black Hairstyles

Some contestants of these hip-hop shows also wore appropriated versions of Black hairstyles, and it wouldn’t be far fetched for me to say that the increased popularity of dreads among Kpop idols had kicked off this trend. Some of these celebrities are people who I have immense respects for, such as Jackson Wang. As the Chinese member of the Kpop boy group GOT7, he was the only Chinese celebrity (that I’m aware of) who spoke up for the BLM protests openly on his social media (I should note that he received quite a lot of backlashes for “defending violence”). But he—as I found out—refused to apologize when being criticized for wearing dreads back in 2016. He was called out in 2016 for wearing dreadlocks in a Pepsi commercial. He claimed that he did not intend to be racist. However, his fans questioned his response, as his defense did not acknowledge the history of dreadlocks.

More recently, BTS’s J-Hope was also called out for his hairstyle in his first solo single, “Chicken Noodle Soup.” Not only was his hair called out to be tiptoeing the line of cultural appropriation, it also felt odd that he only switched to the dreadlock-looking hairstyle during the nighttime break-dancing scene in the music video. While this might not have any further implications intended by the artist himself, this is an example of how infiltrating the unprofessional, gang-affiliated stereotypes surrounding dreadlocks could be.

Part of me thinks they are doing this to please white people, I could easily be right. White people are interested in hip-hop but can’t go as far as getting interested in Black culture? Sure, we Asians will provide. I sound harsh but that’s truly how I see the logic behind Asian pop stars appropriating Black culture. It’s true that many from the K-pop industry do not have full authority to their own identity, but I simply do not get the extent of appropriation employed in the K-pop scene—and this sabotaging trend is spreading in a scary rate to both Japan and China.

Reality TV in China features mostly celebrities, but I assume the goal of the government (for producing all these shows) is to achieve some sort of relatability through portraying famous people doing normal things. Again, just like how Western culture and East Asian culture influence each other, creating a feedback loop, an echo chamber of what’s socially acceptable and what’s not, famous people and normal people alike are all capable of influencing the social norms of Asia. We in America indulge in drama, the unethical wrongdoings of distant rich people. It’s not like that in Asia. People look up to celebrities. So if someone in Blackpink decided to wear braids in their newest music video, you’re bound to see kids trying to do the same.

Internalized Colorism

Sure, one can argue that it’s all negligence and ignorance, but we can not pretend the acts of cultural appropriation are not a result of internalized colorism. Blatant racism is less likely to occur in East Asian societies since they tend to have a less diverse ethnic makeup, but internalized colorism has always been an underlying problem in East Asia. Take China as an example, being “light skin” (though the direct translation of the Chinese word “白” is equivalent to “white,” the phrase is usually perceived as “light skin”) is generally viewed as elegant, pretty, or decent. Phrases such as “yellow skin,” “black skin” have risen to popularity in recent years as internet slangs used by online participants to criticize celebrities or themselves. People strive to be as “white” as possible by setting a societal expectation for public figures to follow, creating this social discourse chamber that deems the white skintone to be superior.

Even more recently, the phrase “非酋” (direct translation: “African tribe leader”) is used as a metaphor for people who tend to have very bad luck and never get what they wish for. From the perspective of an outsider, not only is this phrase obviously racist, it is also more dangerous in the sense that the metaphor entails a long line of other language-specific words that imply racially-charged stereotypes that could not be easily understood by non-Chinese. The phrase itself, however, is often used lightly by gamers--since this is actually an official phrase that ties to certain characters in certain games--and other young internet users to ironically joke about themselves without really considering the racist undertones of the phrase. Therefore, while using the phrase itself does not necessarily make one racist, it certainly reveals ignorance of the Chinese society on the issue of race.

Online Community, Bullet Comments and Echo Chamber

A single character in Japanese/Chinese tends to carry a lot more information than a single letter. As a result, there could easily be more combinations of words with the same characters in comparison to the alphabet for Roman languages. With the rise of fan-fueled, fan-made, fan-moderated video/social platforms like Bilibili (Chinese) and Niconico (Japanese), internet slangs are becoming increasingly niche. However, “niche” is defined against the traditional sense here. Slangs are only “niche” in the sense that the context is only known to a very specific audience, perhaps a fandom of a game or a show, but this audience itself could be enormous--certainly in the case of China. In these separate but internally united communities, people communicate in slangs that are culturally specific among themselves. How, you may ask? Through the persistence and permanence of bullet comments.

Up till this point, bullet comments are popular only and specifically to Japanese and Chinese cultures, again, a likely result of the linguistic natures of the languages. The chaotic, seemingly-never ending feature of bullet comments is an easy tool to nurture a sense of tight-knitted community for young internet users. Teens no longer need to worry about parents’ attempts to understand youth culture--most adults literally can not bear with the overwhelming screen of repetitive slangs. Bullet comments granted a new sense of freedom that previous generations of Japanese and Chinese youth did not experience.

However, it also means that bullet comments could create the perfect scenario for a social echo chamber. It’s hard for outsiders to penetrate the existing banters among a community that talks in their own lingos, and it also encourages the repetitiveness of the same idea, same belief. But this is not a characteristic specific to bullet comments or online communities in East Asia, this is a characteristic common among many East Asian cultures. In comparison to Western cultures, East Asians are way more comfortable, even dependent on group mentality and general consensus. Relatability is often prioritized over individuality on the internet scape, which on its own isn’t necessarily an issue; but this nature of East Asian online community certainly makes it a particularly weak target to colorist beliefs and culturally-insensitive content.

The reliant tendency on echo chamber and group mentality of East Asian communities makes them vulnerable targets of certain Western influences, including cultural appropriation and internalized colorism. In the case of China, its government literally banks on unity among its citizens to establish more extensive social control in order to rule. In both Korea and Japan, unity and group mentality are strongly encouraged and embraced as well. Ultimately, while the problem of cultural appropriation is becoming increasingly worrying among pop culture in East Asia, this is a foreign concept and problem for East Asians who might be helping the spread of cultural appropriation. Regardless, education on the subject matter is necessary and we need to start addressing the problem now.

#cultural appropriation #appropriation #kpop #media #east asia #china #colorism #racism #echo chamber

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incomprehensiblelentils · 4 years ago

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@dollsome-does-tumblr does this and opened it up to anyone and I am feeling chatty today SO!

Because I co-write a lot with my lovely wife, I might answer some questions including those co-written stories, or I might not, depends on how I feel when I get there.

name:

Megan but I go by Lentils most places on the internet, Shadowcrawler over on AO3

fandoms:

at the moment: MCU, especially Agents of SHIELD and Daredevil; Terminator: Dark Fate; Halt and Catch Fire. Oh and I wrote Dollhouse fanfics a thousand years ago. Sometimes I will watch a movie/show and think “those two girls should be gay” and bang out 2k of fic about it and then never write for that fandom again. (I THOUGHT this was going to be HACF but as it turns out, no, it’s not done with me yet.)

where you post:

AO3, at Shadowcrawler. I also have a tumblr @lentils-writes where theoretically I post links to fics/advertise them in the tags, because I used to be real precious about not putting porn on this blog, but fuck it.