#for some reason i am a bit stressed about my uni application even though i won't apply for another year and it's just it is not perfect

[strayv3rse]

day six + seven a test and a surprise presentation

#strayverse100days | 100 days of productivity challenge

hi!

i was way too tired by the time i got home yesterday to post so i thought i would just post for both days today!! yesterday, and today, i have pretty much only studied biology for my test tomorrow non-stop. taking breaks only to work on the english assignment that is due friday and my EE-proposal. today i had a swedish test (paper 1 writing), and i apparently also had an english presentation?? i was totally unaware but since my group and i had finished the entire project before the winter break it was just to present it.. i had totally forgotten we had that assignment though :p

i took a quick little break and ran by a bookstore to purchase a book as a late christmas gift to a friend! who very kindly gave me some super duper cute stationary <3 i'm on my way to bed at the moment because i am extremely tired and i have to wake up extra extra early tomorrow (4am), to make sure i don't have to stress and get anxious because of that. plus, i'm really really tired anyway so it's what it is C:

hope your tuesday + wednesday was/is good!!

[clockwaysarts]

I know I’ve been a bit off lately and out in the weeds art wise, so have some talk. I try to keep my life off this account for the most part, but well...

One of the reasons is the same thing we’re all going through- the pandemic. As someone immunocompromised, with immunocompromised parents, and a small niece, there were a lot of immediate people to worry about, not to mention everyone in general. But really that just exasperated a bigger issue.

My work has slowly been destroying me for years. I’ve been an instructor at a community college for the past 8 years- a community college that has been continually proving how very little they care about the staff or even the students at an admin level. A community college who bought our President a cadilac ($50-80K) the same month they denied us longevity raises. Who let every opportunity for growth slip through their fingers and gave away our territories. It felt more and more like by teaching there and telling my students- many who are low income- this is a good degree when I know parts of their education are lacking by poor admin and poor instructors, I was deceiving them.

My program is also the only thing still connecting us to our Sister University- who is trying desperately to get rid of us so that they are freed up from obligations with the city and can take back the building we rent. That uni is also pivoting to focus their degree around highly predatory database mining and advertising- a topic that I am in no way comfortable teaching, ethically.

And this made me work harder and harder to do my damnest. Knowledge wise, I’m teaching the work load of three people. And then everything moved on line... And I burnt out. With the semester approaching I’ve been having panic attacks and night terrors and too much anxiety.

So I’ve been pushing myself and burning out and I’ve... retreated. I haven’t consumed any new media in months. My brain just can’t handle it. Watching old favs or non plot things like lets plays is all I’ve managed. And sinking into fandom, specifically FFXV. Which has been a blessing to have. And I’ve really struggled producing anything original with in all of that because it was trying to draw from a well spring that was empty. But at the same time, the work I have been doing has really let me grow. I’m so much better at anatomy than I was at the start of the year. My lighting work is better. I’m remembering how much I love rendering. Even if what I’m doing is sanity saving fan art, and I know that’s not what most of you are here for, I’ve really see a lot of growth that I AM proud of just pure skill wise. 

The result of all of this, is that Saturday I decided to quit my job and today I sent my notice. It’s a risk, even though I have savings. I don’t have another one lined up. I have applications to two places I put in Thursday, but who knows what will happen. And... I don’t know what all I’m going to do. Which is terrifying. But I couldn’t go back- I’m at risk of tipping over that line health and mental wise that I might not be able to recover from. I worry I am already a little over it.

What it does mean as far as all you darlings are concerned is that in the next few weeks, art is going to become my full focus. I need to sit down and plan, but I’m hoping without the stress of going back there, I can take a deep breath and move forward in a way I hadn’t been able to. I want to start making original work again. I want to cast again (though this has also been off the tables due to weather basically this whole year). I want to make new product like the appigle candy charms! I want to get a printer so that any piece anyone would like, I can do a fine art quality print and send it out.

I’m not saying this as any expectation for anyone to buy things! I’m okay at the moment, money wise, this is not a desperate call. But if there are things you’d like to see me create, commission types you want, or things you would like to see in my shop, feel free to let me know as I put together plans and ideas here over the next few weeks.

I don’t know what’s to come, but no matter what, I know it involves creating, because I can never not. And I want to be able to get back to that fully. I need to be able to get back to it. Thank you everyone who has stuck with me- it really does mean the world- and I hope to make things that will make you smile again soon. ❤

[fynnichi]

Hihi! Can I get a haikyuu boy matchup please? I'm 5'6, she/her, Asian descent with fair skin and medium length straight hair. My love languages are tied between words of affirmation and spending quality time. I'm a perfectionist, I like cleaning/ keeping things in order and for almost my entire life I've based my self worth on my academic pursuits and ambitions (it's only been a year or two since I realised this). I've been told i am super observant and have good intuition. Oh and cafe hopping!

- Ahaha this is part 2 of the match up i requested (miss perfectionist lmao). I love the Korean study aesthetic, boba, skincare and reading philosophy! I am really family orientated and I tend to keep friends at arms length due to some bad trauma/experiences with people i was once really close to. It doesn't mean I'm cold but I don't say anything too personal! I like maintaining aesthetic instagram feeds and I love musicology! really appreciate the efforts you put into your work and keep it up! ^^

Hello! Thank you very much for requesting a match up! And also sorry for taking so long. Uni has been quite stressful these past days, but I was really into finally giving you your match up, so please enjoy!! ⭐ The match up became more of a small one shot,I hope you didn't mind :')

Your match is Sugawara Kouchi! The more I read your application, the firmer my decision became. 

Suga and you have been in the same class, since your first year of middle school and even though he didn't choose Karasuno so he could be in the same class as his classmates, but he was  still pleasantly surprised to see you there as well. 

You noticed each others existence, but weren't particularly close till your 3rd year of high school.

Thats when you noticed that his behaviour changed a bit...he became less focused on his school work and put all his energy in the volleyball club. Sugawara had always good grades, so the little drop wasn't quite dramatic but you noticed it. Not only because your seats were next to each other, but more because you would always be watching him from a safe distance. You couldn't really pinpoint when your interest for the pretty white haired boy started, but you didn't really mind. You didn't plan on getting close to him anyway.

But one day something happend,that you didn't expected. He asked you to tutor him,since your grades have been good for as far as he could remember. And since there wasn't really a reason to decline, you accepted it.

That was the beginning of your Monday sessions. He would come to your place and you would usually study for some hours. Sometimes more,and sometimes less, depending on if Sugawara wanted to talk to you more.

At first you felt extremely awkward and stressed. You would clean your room the night before and prepare everything, so he wouldn't think bad of you. But after about a month,you stated to enjoy your weekly study dates. And so did Suga. He didn't had any ulterior motives when you asked for your help, but he found it really cute, how helpless you were and how much effort you made to help him out. As a thank you, he would buy you cakes or other sweets to eat while studying and soon he would start to look forward to Mondays in general.

It took around 3 or 4 months till he realized that his affection for you was more than gratitude or sympathy. That he started to look for any reason to talk to you and that he wanted to shower you with little presents and compliments. 

You felt like his calming charm. Everything about you and around you seemed so soft and tidy. Exactly what he needed, when he felt unsure about himself and his life. When training was chaotic and hard, he knew that he could just be with you and enjoy some quite quality time, without the need to look out for something. 

So right before your finals he gathered all his courage and asked you out. He bought a little bracelet as a final thank you gift, since it was supposed be your last tutor session. His head became more and more red and honestly..he wasn't even sure if you liked him back. He knew that you liked to keep your distance, but couldn't figure out how to overcome it. So he thought that a confession would maybe give you a little push to finally realise your own greatness and worth. He wanted you to trust him and to lean on him.

But you couldn't believe what he was saying...panic rose inside of you,since you never expected him to confess. But seeing his expression, the panic shifted into happiness. He was serious. You softly accepted his confession and after your finals, you started to date. But it didn't feel much different then the time you used to spend together before. But that was good...it was already perfect the way it was between you.

[artificialqueens]

Not Nineteen Forever (4) (Branjie/Scyvie)- Ortega

a/n: i am absolutely hanging out my arse so editing and re-reading this chapter made me feel vaguely ill. i’ll pass it off as method acting xo thank you so much for the continued love and support for this fic, the fact that each chapter so far has broken 100 notes makes me piss my pants with excitement (watch now i’ve jinkxed it and this one’ll get like 8). in this installment Scarlet finds it hard to believe that she isn’t Victoria Beckham.

Trigger Warnings: explicit drug use, alcohol. unaaay.

Summary: Brooke, Yvie and Nina are three flatmates who forged a friendship in their first year of university and picked up some other waifs and strays along the way. Now in their final year, there are feelings that need to be unravelled and confessions to be made whilst navigating drunk nights, hungover mornings, takeaways, group chats, library meetups, cafe gossiping, and the small matter of getting a degree

***

Scarlet had to admit, she was enjoying the high life. As she sat up the back of the lecture theatre in the new fur coat she wasn’t planning on taking off anytime soon, blinking heavily with her £75 lash extensions, drumming her £50 acrylics against her notepad, she smiled to herself. This was definitely the kind of life she was suited to. Okay, she got a bit of a shock when the rent left her bank account, as well as her gas and electricity bills, but she still had a good amount there. Clenching her stomach, Scarlet thought about the number on her banking app. £3713.65. Slightly giddy, she pressed her lips together as she thought about it. How could she have spent over a thousand pounds in the space of two weeks? She thought through it in her mind. Rent, £550. Electricity, £30 split with Ra’Jah. Gas, £25, also split with Ra’Jah. But that only came to what…just under six hundred pounds? There was still so much unaccounted for. Scarlet thought about how much she’d paid for on nights out, the two shopping trips she’d been on since her scratchcard win, and the many, many Ubers she’d taken pretty much everywhere. It was time to reign the spending in.

It was crazy how much confidence it was giving her, though. Even on the group chat Scarlet felt self-assured enough to throw out barbs every so often, the girls all responding with keyboard smashes and capitalised laughter and giving her a boost of serotonin. It had even made her feel more confident around Yvie. Scarlet felt weird about the whole Yvie thing. Now that she’d realised she liked her, she didn’t really know what to do about it. She knew she would do something, she promised herself, as if she ended up in a situation like Vanjie’s she would scream. Scarlet cast a glance to the girl beside her, frantically typing notes into her laptop and listening intently. Bored, Scarlet took her fluffy-topped pen and wrote on her notepad, pushing it Vanjie’s way.

Lunch after this?

She watched as Vanjie looked down at her writing, looked back up, then nodded once. Scarlet smiled, glad that she had something to look forward to. It had been a while since she’d had a catchup with Vanjie, and part of her was excited to see if there had been any progress made between her and Brooke. Scarlet then realised it was a little selfish of her to think that way and, realising she hadn’t confided in anyone about her crush on Yvie yet, she decided she’d let Vanjie in on her secret.

When the lecture finished up they decided they would go for lunch at the Mexican place in town. It was a slightly longer walk than anywhere on campus but Vanjie was good company, chatting away happily about something funny her Mum had done back home and distracting Scarlet from the cold weather. They eventually reached the restaurant and got sat at a table, despite the fact Scarlet could have stood under the heaters that were blasting by the entrance forever. She watched as Vanjie shrugged her huge coat off then leant forward.

“So, how’s your lovely flatmate?” Vanjie asked, Scarlet letting out a snort and rolling her eyes.

“Our oven’s broken. She’s saying I broke it,” she explained, Vanessa tilting her head with intrigue.

“Why? What did you do?”

“I don’t know. Used it to cook food,” Scarlet said, her laugh giving away her monotone voice and causing Vanjie to giggle too. “It’s exhausting living with her! She just hates me for no reason! I swear she’s going to turn up by my bed in the middle of the night with a knife and her pillow to smother me with.”

“But then she’d have no-one to blame for the shit that goes wrong in the flat.”

“True. If I’m ever found murdered, though, you know who it was,” Scarlet raised her eyebrows knowingly, Vanessa having to stop herself from laughing as a waitress arrived at their table and took their drinks orders. Vanessa ordered a Corona and Scarlet almost joined her, then realised that beer on a lunch break when she still had a lecture in the afternoon was risky. She got a blood orange San Pellegrino instead. As the waitress walked away, Scarlet continued. “How’s Silky and Akeria? I’ve not seen them since last Saturday.”

“They’re good. Akeria’s stressing about Masters applications, even though I keep telling her every uni is gonna be fallin’ over themselves to accept her. Silk is fine. She’s always fine. I think she’s made peace with the fact she’s probably going to get a 2:2.”

“Nothing wrong with a 2:2,” Scarlet shrugged, even though she knew that if she was on course for a 2:2 she’d be crying as if her life was over.

“That’s true. Degree’s a degree. Still gon’ cry like a baby if I don’t get a 2:1 though,” Vanessa frowned, brightening up as the waitress returned and put their drinks in front of them.

“You will,” Scarlet said. It hadn’t been a lie- even though she only saw Vanessa working towards part of her PPE degree, she always seemed on the ball with lecture notes, got good grades in her essays, and you could never shut her up in tutorials. The other girl still narrowed her eyes at her as she took a drink.

“You have to say that, though. You’re my friend,” Vanessa said, Scarlet brightening up at the validation of her friendship. She’d never known if Vanessa had liked her at first, but over the years they’d eventually settled into being comfortable with each other. Vanessa sighed. “I worked out that if I want a 2:1 I need to get above 65% in everything until the end of the year.”

“That’s doable!” Scarlet insisted, pouring her can into the glass in front of her. She frowned and shook her head. “Anyway, let’s not worry any more about uni. How’s Brooke Lynn?”

Vanessa slid down in her seat and covered her face with the menu. “I don’t know, bitch, ask her.”

“You know what I mean! How are things going? Any progress?”

Vanessa screwed up her face. “I mean, I don’t know. Kind of? Maybe? It’s so hard to tell with that bitch.”

“What’s the maybe?”

“So last Monday we went for a drink after we went to the library. We were just talkin’ and somehow…I don’t even know how we got onto this topic…we started talkin’ about how we were…y'know, like in bed.”

Scarlet let out a screech. “OH my God. Amazing. How is that a maybe in any way?!”

“Nah, well, you know,” Vanessa smiled bashfully, fanning herself with the menu which neither of them had so much as glanced at. “It started to get deep and then I did my classic ha ha ha what a big joke this is I’m definitely not takin’ this serious in any way thing I always do with her. I think I made it awkward, ‘cuz I’ve not seen her since then. I mean we’ve talked on the chat but…yeah.”

Scarlet pouted, feeling sorry for her friend. “Oh, Vanj, no. It won’t be that at all. You know her and Plastique have got their portfolios due next week, she’ll just be busy!”

Vanessa bit her lip, then smiled slowly. “How about if I organise a lil somethin’ to take her mind off her work, then?”

Scarlet took a sip of her drink. “You’re going to turn up to her flat wearing nothing but a massive bow playing The Stripper through your phone speaker.”

As Vanessa howled, Scarlet realised a little too late that someone had come to take their order. She asked for five more minutes, neither of them having looked at the menu yet and having only used it as a prop for embarrassment.

“No, bitch,” Vanessa wheezed, finally getting her breath back. “Let’s see if we can get her to come out tonight.”

Scarlet felt her brows pulling together involuntarily. “On a Wednesday? She’ll be too responsible.”

Vanessa sighed and gave the menu a cursory glance. “Couldn’t we at least try? I just need to know if I’ve made things awkward so I can go about trying to fix them. Although how the fuck I’d do that, I don’t know.”

“I guess you could put it on the chat?” Scarlet shrugged.

Gleefully, Vanessa bounced about in her chair and grabbed her phone decisively, immediately typing. She put it back face-down on the table almost as quickly as she’d picked it up. “It’s sent. Although now we’re running the risk of everyone being free apart from Brooke Lynn, and if I’m honest I really don’t have the energy to go out otherwise.”

“We’re getting old,” Scarlet shrugged, her eyes scanning over tostadas, taquitos and empanadas without really being able to focus on any of them. “Do you remember the days when you could manage two nights out back to back?”

“I remember the days I could manage two nights out in one night,” Vanessa laughed, running a hand through her hair and exhaling. “Scarlet, why am I nervous? Tell me why I’m nervous.”

“Because you’ve just orchestrated a night out with our whole friendship group just so you can see one member of it. Instead of, you know. Asking her on a date,” Scarlet smiled teasingly, Vanessa laughing in self-depreciation. It occured to Scarlet that she still hadn’t told Vanessa about Yvie. “That reminds me-”

Just then she was cut off as the waitress appeared again at their table. Scarlet couldn’t bear to send her away again so she quickly ordered some fish tacos and some sort of cheesy beany quesadilla she had no idea the other ingredients of. Vanessa rapidly fired off an order for a pulled chicken burrito and pork taquitos which, Scarlet could glean from a quick glance at the menu, seemed to be served with radioactive levels of spice. As the waitress walked away, Scarlet frowned.

“Are those taquitos not really spicy?”

“Meh. I don’t mind spice. Worst case scenario I’ll have to install scaffolding round my ass for the next three days after I eat ‘em,” Vanessa shrugged and then leaned forward, hardly giving time for Scarlet to laugh at what she’d just said. “You said ‘that reminds me’ after we were talkin’ about dates, what’s up with that?”

“Oh uh, nothing,” Scarlet smiled shyly as she picked at a bit of dripped candle wax on the tabletop. “Just that I’m joining you in the crushing-on-my-best-friend club for the foreseeable future.”

Vanessa’s face lit up. “What is this?!”

Scarlet felt cheeks flush red as she said it. “I…think I have a crush on Yvie.”

Vanessa let out a quick screech of delight, drawing the gaze of a dining couple sitting at the opposite side of the room. Hushing herself, she leant close to Scarlet and continued. “Oh my God! Bitch! I love this. This is amazing. Aw, you’d be so cute together! I knew you were touchy with each other but I always thought that was just how your friendship was.”

“It is how our friendship is!” Scarlet protested, then put her head in her hands to cover her cheeks as she smiled. “I just…realised I like being touchy with her a little too much to be friendly.”

“Oh, I got it. You wanna be touchy with her in a different way,” Vanessa winked suggestively, Scarlet squealing in mortification and both the girls ending up howling with laughter. As the laughter died down, Vanessa smiled. “Well, welcome to the world of crushing on a friend, boo. It’s amazing, electric, and largely horrific. And painful. I’m not selling this well.”

“It sounds slightly sadomasochistic.”

“That’s actually what you get if you Google it,” Vanessa nodded faux-seriously, then put on a funny, posh-sounding voice. “If you liked getting shocked by a disused electrical socket twenty-five times in a row, perhaps you’d like: crushing on your best friend!”

Scarlet laughed, then shot a glance down at her phone as it sat face-down on the table. “I’m kinda hoping Yvie comes out tonight too now.”

“Ooh! We should check the chat,” Vanessa said, pouncing on her phone and her face dropping as she looked. Scarlet opened her own to see what had been said.

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: me n Scarlet wanna go out tonight who’s down

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: BITCH ARE U CRAZY WE AINT FRESHERS ANY MORE

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: I GOTTA DATE WITH BRADLEY WALSH AND WHOEVER THE CHASER IS TODAY

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Girl we all know The Chase starts at 5pm you gotta think of a better excuse

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Sorry boo I’m out

large incongruous silkworm spiced praline: BITCH BACK TO BACK EPS ON CHALLENGE TV FROM 7 THANK U NEXT

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: Need to be at the library early if I wanna get that 1st

Kim Kardashian-West: Placement :((((((( sorry babyyy

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: I’ll see yall at pres though

Akeria Sainsburys Bag for Life: I’m guessing they’re gonna be at ours

Okay Then: Sorry girls our portfolios are due in like 9 days

Okay Then: big celebrations after though!!

Dave the Laugh: i’d actually be down

Scarlet felt guilty as her heart gave a jump, Vanessa sitting dejectedly across from her. “Hey, chin up! She’s not replied yet.”

“If Plastique is sayin’ no, she’ll be a no too,” she jerked her mouth to the side in a pained attempt at a smile. “Your girl’s down though, that’s good!”

“Stop. She’s not my girl.”

“Yet,” Vanessa smiled, a glint of disappointment still present in her eyes. Just then, Scarlet’s phone lit up in her hand.

mose: I’m going to follow the tradition of my entire university career making poor life choices and say yeah I’d be up for a night out

Scarlet looked with anticipation across to Vanessa, whose eyes were wide with excitement. She didn’t seem to know that she had a beaming smile on her face, and Scarlet couldn’t help but let out a chuckle, happy for the girl opposite her. “See? Good news!”

“Oh my God. It’s gonna be me, you, Yvie and Brooke Lynn. Fuckin’ double date night out,” Vanessa’s eyes scrunched up as she laughed happily. Scarlet felt her pulse start racing, nerves taking hold of her already. She was excited, though, for some time with Yvie in a slightly smaller setting. She hadn’t grabbed a coffee or done anything with just her in a while, and even though this wasn’t the ideal setting, it was still an opportunity. Vanessa was back typing quickly into her phone, and Scarlet watched the group chat progress.

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: yall suck apart from Yvie and BrookeLynn

FORD TRANSIT VANJIE: come to mine for 9 then bitches! Xoxoxoxo

Mose: See ya then boo

Scarlet turned over her phone and raised an eyebrow at Vanessa. “You’re her boo.”

“Yeah fuck y’all bitches, I’m Brooke Lynn’s lil’ ghost,” she smiled and gave her hands a quick clap together in excitement, Scarlet spluttering a laugh at her friend’s adorable reaction. Just then, their food arrived and got placed down in front of them.

“Oh hey, can I grab another Corona?” Vanessa asked, holding up her empty one. The waitress took it and nodded, and Vanessa gave Scarlet a guilty look. “I should really head to the library after this but I’mma go back home and nap, then spend the next four hours gettin’ ready. Fuck, I don’t even know how I’m gonna afford goin’ out tonight.”

Scarlet took a bite of a taco, then thought. Lunch was only going to come to about forty-ish pounds altogether, and really, what was that out of her winnings? She swallowed, looked to Vanessa, and smiled.  

“Hey. I’ll get us lunch,” she shrugged, shifting a little in her seat as Vanessa blinked at her.

“Serious? No, Scarlet, I can’t let you do that.���

“Honestly! My loan came in early,” she said, looking down at her plate as she lied. “Think of it as a celebratory, double-date-crush-night-out-whatever-the-fuck-this-is treat. And you can buy me a drink or something when we go out, call it even.”

As a waiter came by and placed another bottle in front of Vanessa, she gave a smile and raised it. “To coming out on the other side of tonight with girlfriends?”

Scarlet smiled as she clinked her glass against Vanessa’s beer. “Let’s not push it.”

The rest of her lunch with Vanessa passed by comfortably, Scarlet paying the bill when they were finished without a second thought and the girls saying goodbye with a hug and an excited squeal in anticipation of later on. Part of Scarlet wanted to head straight to the shops to look for something new to wear but she stopped herself, instead getting in an Uber and going back to the flat, the prospect of her returning to campus for her 3pm lecture growing thin. Turning the keys in her front door, she sighed when she heard loud music coming from Ra’Jah’s room. Scarlet had hoped she’d be out by now. Walking through to the living room to dump her shoes, coat and bag, she paused when she saw something on the messy, cluttered coffee table that she was sure hadn’t been there before.

It was a tiny, clear, plastic ziploc bag filled full of a white powder. Scarlet frowned as she picked it up, transferring the bag between her fingers and watching as the powder inside crumbled and broke up, the same sort of consistency as flour although slightly looser and whiter. The realisation of what she was holding suddenly hit her like a bus, nearly making her drop the bag. She stood silent for a couple of minutes, completely unsure of what to do. Then she heard the music in Ra’Jah’s room get turned up and that seemed to make her decision for her.

Storming back through into the hallway, Scarlet banged on her flatmate’s door. “Ra’Jah!”

The music got cut off and there was an eerie buzz of silence in the flat. The door in front of Scarlet swung open to reveal her flatmate, her face unimpressed. “Yes?”

Scarlet held up the bag, hoping it would elicit some emotion out of the other girl. It did not. “Can you not leave that shit lying around our flat?”

Ra’Jah smiled in amusement, showing a set of slightly uneven teeth. Scarlet felt her top lip curl up in a sneer. Ra'Jah wasn’t able to pull them off, not like Yvie with the cute gap she had between her front teeth. Fuck, was she really thinking of Yvie right now? Ra’Jah leant on the doorframe cockily. “What, a girl ain’t never seen cocaine before?”

“Of course I’ve seen it,” Scarlet lied, gripping the bag tight between her fingers. “I just don’t want the flat looking like a fucking crack den. I mean it’s not a potted plant, Ra’Jah, it’s a fucking class A drug. It’s not decorative.”

“Class A, ooh,” Ra’Jah mimicked mockingly, irritation washing over Scarlet. “Don’t shit yourself, bitch, it’s fine. I only put it down for, like, two seconds anyway. Just give it and I’ll put it somewhere safe.”

Scarlet went to pass it back to her, but something held her back. She looked at the powder again and a flash of thoughts flew through her head, of skinny, glamorous models and nightclub toilets and champagne. It was an illegal drug, and everything Scarlet had been brought up to believe told her it was fucking disgusting, and dangerous, and led to a spiral of addiction and debt. But still part of her was so insatiably curious, like she was addicted without even having tried it yet. She watched Ra’Jah’s expression change as Scarlet curled her fingers back. “Where’d you get it?”

“What is this, twenty fuckin’ questions?” her flatmate snapped back, rolling her eyes. “Just give me my narcotics, bitch.”

“Can I, um. I’ll buy it off you?” Scarlet stumbled out, causing Ra’Jah to look at her in disbelief.

“You want to buy cocaine?” she raised an eyebrow at her, speaking through a slight laugh. Scarlet’s hackles were up.

“Or give me the number of your dealer.”

Ra’Jah let out a small snort, shrugging her shoulders. “Ain’t any need to involve anyone else. Alright, that’s a gram. Give me sixty and it’s a deal.”

Scarlet felt her eyes widen involuntarily, Ra’Jah chuckling in response. “Girl, what did you think it was gonna be? Naomi Campbell snorts this shit for a reason, people use rolled up hundred dollar bills to snort this shit for a reason. It ain’t fuckin’ Cabbage Patch kids weed we talkin’ ‘bout here.”

Scarlet frowned and took out her phone, opening up her banking app. Just before she transferred the money, she looked at her flatmate suspiciously. Ra’Jah rolled her eyes.

“Look, I’m not taking you for a ride. I got it for fifty, a bitch wants to make a profit. Sixty is standard in some places. Others you’d be talkin’ seventy. Google it if you don’t believe me.”

“No, I believe you,” Scarlet simply said, hitting a button and just like that, sixty pounds flew out of her account. A nervous heartbeat felt entirely too fast and too loud in her body. Another hundred pounds gone.

“Thanks, bitch. This was great fun, maybe I’ll drop out and become a dealer,” Ra’Jah laughed, Scarlet saying nothing in reply as the door swung shut in her face. The bag seemed to make her right hand tingle, and a surge of nervous excitement shot through Scarlet like propane.

She got ready for the night ahead in a sort of daze, as the panic and the gravity of what she’d actually done began to sink in. She’d just bought a gram of cocaine for a night out. What the hell was she planning on doing with it? There was no way she’d be able to actually do any. Or was there? That was what Scarlet had always said about weed and now her and Yvie got high together all the time. Her pulse thrummed at her wrists when she thought about the other girl. Scarlet imagined bringing the small bag out in a toilet cubicle with her, watching her eyes grow wide, imagined her thinking holy shit, I never knew Scarlet was this type of girl at all. Imagined them both cutting it up with Scarlet’s bank card and snorting it, then hitting their high on the dancefloor, turning to her and letting Yvie lean in and kiss her in a haze of euphoria and lust.

Scarlet felt a throb of heat pulse between her legs, her doubts gone. This was a good decision.

Scarlet showed up to Vanessa’s flat only running a tiny bit late, ready with a bottle of vodka the size of her head and a couple of mixers in case any of the girls wanted to share. She got buzzed in quickly and was welcomed into the flat by Akeria who was looking a far cry from her usually-glamorous self, her hair piled on top of her head in a towel and a pair of pink flannel pyjamas on. Scarlet was shown through to their kitchen where she found Vanessa, Brooke and Yvie all sitting on the sofa or on chairs beside Silky who was also in her pyjamas and, just as she’d promised on the chat, was watching The Chase. The girls gave a small cry of delight as Scarlet walked in, Scarlet not missing the way Vanessa was sat on Brooke Lynn’s lap. Part of her prickled with jealousy, wishing that her and Yvie were in their place, but she didn’t mind too much. She was happy for Vanessa. Scarlet grabbed a glass, took a chair to sit in, and began pouring a drink as the girls continued to watch the TV.

“Low offer of minus four thousand pounds, high offer, please?”

“Fifty-one thousand pounds.”

“We’re watching The Chase,” Vanessa explained to Scarlet.

“I gathered.”

“If he takes the minus offer, I’m gonna reach through the TV and stab him,” Brooke said seriously, her face displeased.

“Nah, he’s gonna stick in the middle. I trust Nigel, 52, from Stockport,” Yvie drawled, taking a sip of her drink then smiling at Scarlet from her position on the chair beside her, reaching across and squeezing her hand. “Hey, girl, how are you?”

“I’m good, thanks,” she smiled shyly, giving Yvie’s hand a small squeeze back and admiring her crushed-velvet red dress. “You look good.”

Yvie momentarily looked as if she was about to say something cute in response when her eyes were suddenly ripped from Scarlet’s and back to the screen as the girls groaned loudly.

“He’s a fucking TRAITOR,” Silky yelled, launching a cushion at the TV. “Sheila brought back forty-five thousand for this asshole to take from it? NO MA’AM!”

“Well this is the most lit pres I’ve ever been to,” Scarlet deadpanned.

“I hate this motherfuckin’ game show. Silk, turn this shit off,” Vanessa rolled her eyes, her flatmate loudly complaining.

“It’s my fuckin’ flat too, hoe!”

“Yeah, some of us actually have to do work tomorrow,” Akeria piped up from her position at the oven, checking on whatever she’d put inside. “How come you’re out tonight anyway?”

Scarlet caught Vanessa’s eye and she just stopped herself from smiling. “Oh, you know. Sometimes you just fancy going out.”

“It’s called being spontaneous, Kiki. You should try it,” Brooke joined in as she brought both hands up around Vanessa’s waist, the other girl giving a happy sigh and Scarlet staring at them, jealousy burning under her skin. As the other girls bickered, Yvie turned to face her again.

“Hey. You alright?” she asked, concern etched on her face and making Scarlet’s heart swell up.

“No, yeah, I’m good!” she smiled, blinking and trying not to come out with the truth of I’m insanely jealous of how close and cuddly Brooke and Vanessa are being right now and I wish Silky would get up off the sofa so we can join them. Satisfied with her answer, Yvie smiled.

“That’s good. No sad allowed at pres,” she joked, then tapped her gently on the nose. “Also you’re not allowed to be upset, you’re, like, my favourite person. Don’t tell the others.”

Scarlet felt something akin to a tidal wave flood over her whole body. Boosted, she gave Yvie a small wink. “I won’t. I promise.”

Something behind Yvie’s eyes seemed taken-aback, but not in a negative way. Almost as if she hadn’t expected Scarlet to come back with something so flirty so quickly, and Scarlet had to hide her smile behind her hand when she saw Yvie’s cheeks turn slightly pink.

Two hours later, all of Scarlet’s vodka had been drank and the four girls had managed to navigate a drunk Uber ride and entry into one of the fanciest clubs in the city. Usually none of them would have been able to afford the entry fee, but Scarlet had paid the ten pounds for each of them without batting an eyelid. She probably should have cared, but Scarlet had hit that stage where the alcohol had her convinced that life was wonderful, she was invincible, and she would be young and rich forever. She laughed as she cast her eye around the small circle the girls had formed on the dancefloor. Vanessa was dancing, frankly, like a stripper, and Brooke seemed to be living for it, her hands on the other girl’s waist protectively. Yvie was bouncing and flailing about, completely intoxicated, and yelling along to whatever song was playing- Scarlet didn’t know it, but she didn’t really need to. Turning to Yvie, she grabbed her hands and laughed. Yvie looked at her curiously.

“You look like those things…those car lot things…they go like this in the wind,” Scarlet explained, suddenly demonstrating to Yvie and throwing her hands in the air. Yvie buckled over with laughter, her hands on her knees, and Scarlet was so pleased she’d made her laugh.

“Bitch you started doing the floss to Miami 2 Ibiza, shut the fuck up,” Yvie snorted, Scarlet howling beside her. Casting her eye again to Brooke and Vanjie, an idea planted itself in Scarlet’s head.

“Yvie, watch me dance like Vanessa,” she commanded, suddenly feeling emboldened enough to throw her arms around Yvie’s neck and push her body up against hers. She ran her hands through the other girl’s hair messily, Yvie’s eyes half-lidded as she laughed gently at her.

“Girl…messing up my hair,” she muttered, Scarlet smiling back brazenly.

“It was messed up when you did it,” she smiled cheekily, tapping Yvie on the nose like she’d done to her earlier. Without giving her a chance to respond, Scarlet dropped down onto the floor in a move she hoped would make her look irresistible. Instead, she toppled over and ended up flat on her back against the sticky floor, the crowd parting around her like the Red Sea. She looked up to see Yvie laughing hysterically, holding both her hands out to her. Scarlet took them gratefully and she was pulled up, beside Yvie again only this time with just a fraction of the confidence. Yvie must have seen her pouting as Scarlet felt her strong arms being wrapped around her in a hug.

“Aw baby, I like your dancing the way it is,” she slurred into her ear, a tingle shooting down Scarlet’s spine at the proximity of Yvie’s lips to her skin. Scarlet was about to do something, say something, when she suddenly felt herself being wrenched away from Yvie and dancing beside Vanessa, who was gripping her arm. Scarlet was confused until Vanessa leaned in close to her and yelled above the music.

“I got an idea,” she said, her voice thick with alcohol. “Gonna make them both jealous.”

Scarlet’s eyes widened, an electric shock running through her veins as Vanessa pulled her close, then tilted her head up and kissed her. There was little to no hesitation and Scarlet felt herself kissing back, feeling the eyes of the other girls on them both. Vanessa kissed as if she’d known Scarlet’s lips her whole life, hot and passionate, and it briefly ran through Scarlet’s mind that Vanessa probably had a certain Canadian blonde on her mind as she was doing it. She desperately wanted to open her eyes, to look over to Yvie to see if she even cared. Show over, Vanessa pulled away, beaming and laughing, and Scarlet felt herself laugh back. In her drunk state, the situation was funny- the pair of them getting with each other to try to make their two other friends jealous. It appeared to have worked, certainly in Scarlet’s case, as Yvie took her hand and pulled her back, an odd sort of smile on her face that didn’t quite reach her eyes. She shouted over the music at Scarlet, something that she couldn’t quite hear.

“What?”

Yvie raised her voice a little more. “I didn’t know you liked Vanessa like that!”

Scarlet laughed. “I don’t!”

Yvie gave her a funny look, a multitude of questions no doubt running around her head. Scarlet felt her confidence peak and she leaned in close to Yvie’s ear, Yvie’s arms snaking round her waist instinctively. “You jealous, girl?”

She felt Yvie’s body shake in a laugh Scarlet could tell was affected. “No…bitch.”

Scarlet leant her head on her shoulder and spoke against her neck. “Hey, 'f you’re lucky it might be you next time.”

She pressed a tiny kiss against Yvie’s skin and pulled away laughing, Yvie looking momentarily shaken then joining in with Scarlet’s laughter. Scarlet ran her tongue over her teeth. Fucking yes. Suddenly, she remembered the tiny bag she had in her bra. She caught the attention of the other girls and shouted over the music again. “Guys. Come pee with me.”

She began to make her way through the crowd to the toilets, hearing Vanessa and Yvie laugh at Brooke singing a parody of Come Fly With Me but replacing the word “fly” with “pee”. They eventually all managed to cram into a cubicle together, Scarlet counting her blessings that there was no toilet attendant on duty who would almost definitely have bundled them all out. The girls looked shocked as Scarlet turned around from locking the door and produced the bag from her bra.

“Is anyone down?” she asked lightly, Brooke letting out a nervous laugh beside her. Vanessa flipped her hair over her shoulder.

“What the fuck is that,” Yvie asked, her face set in a hesitant, concerned smile. Scarlet shrugged.

“It’s exactly what it looks like.”

Vanessa spoke first with a blase shrug. “Yeah, bitch, let’s do it.”

Scarlet smiled happily, part of her quite surprised at how readily Vanessa agreed to the whole thing. Her eyes darted to Yvie, who was still looking at the bag cautiously. Obviously noticing her eyes on her, Yvie gave her a look that Scarlet couldn’t quite decipher, then screwed her face up. “So this is a thing we all do now?”

Vanessa narrowed her eyes at her. “Aw Jesus, Yvie, it’s one key in a club on a night out, we’re not all about to turn into fuckin’ junkies.”

Scarlet’s confidence had been given a knock. She hesitantly caught Yvie’s eye. “I mean, you don’t have to, I just thought-”

“No, girl, I’ll do some. ’M not a fucking pussy,” she frowned, taking a breath that seemed to be shaky and turning to Brooke, who was still looking with wide eyes at Scarlet. “Brooke, you doing this?”

It occurred to Scarlet that this was the first time she’d ever seen Brooke look anything other than completely sure of herself. She was laughing awkwardly, almost nervously. Scarlet watched as Vanessa put a gentle hand on her arm. “You don’t have to, baby.”

“No, well, y'know me. Try anything once,” she slurred, leaning into Vanessa’s touch. “Okay, fuck, let’s do this shit.”

Scarlet moved to empty the bag out onto the toilet cistern, but Vanessa put out a hand to stop her. “Woah, girl, the fuck you doin’? Just take a key, ain’t no need for all that fuckin’ credit card shit.”

Scarlet frowned at her, confused in her drunken state. “Keys?”

Vanessa seemed to shrink back into herself as she saw all three girls looking at her intently, wondering how she knew so much about the process. Wordlessly, she gestured for the baggie and produced her keys from her gold clutch bag. She calmly opened the small plastic bag and fished into it with a single key, balancing some of the powder on the length of it. With a short glance up at the girls, she pressed a finger to one nostril and gave a quick, harsh sniff with the other. As quickly as it had appeared, the cocaine was gone. Vanessa rubbed quickly at her nose, sniffing awkwardly.

“Alright, who’s next?” she questioned. Scarlet could feel Yvie’s eyes on her.

“Well since Scarlet brought it, she should go next,” she said, something off to her tone and her stare that Scarlet couldn’t quite pinpoint. Scarlet shrugged stiffly, Vanessa reaching back into the bag with the key and holding some out for her. The butterflies in her stomach almost overwhelming, Scarlet leaned forward and mimicked what Vanessa had done. The first thing that she felt was the all-encompassing smell of petrol, followed by a horrific stinging at the back of her nose and mouth, Scarlet briefly being reminded of jumping into swimming pools when she was little and water shooting up her nose. She gave a cough and a big, follow-up sniff, Vanessa chuckling lightly.

Well, that just happened.

Nervously thrilled, Scarlet felt the butterflies in her stomach dissipate as she watched Vanessa hold a key out to Yvie. Yvie frowned and shook her head.

“Nah. Changed my mind. I’m out,” she said darkly, shooting Scarlet a glare that made her feel like a reprimanded child.

“Come on, Yvie, it’s fine,” Scarlet offered, the other girl scrunching up her face.

“No. It’s not happening. You guys have fun.”

Scarlet felt dejected. She wished she knew what she’d done wrong. Trying to push her feelings aside, Scarlet watched as Vanessa turned the key to Brooke. Brooke was looking from the key to the lock of the toilet stall, nervous. Vanessa reached up and touched a lock of her hair.

“You don’t have to, Brooky.”

“No, I will, I will. I’m just nervous. And excited,” she stammered out, Scarlet thinking she couldn’t have judged the girls’ reaction to this entire situation less accurately if she’d tried.

“You can rub it on your gums if you don’t wanna snort it,” Vanessa explained, part of Scarlet wishing she’d told her that before her turn. Brooke tilted her head, considering, then wet her finger, reached into the bag and took some. Then she put her finger back in her mouth and maneuvered it around, her eyes on Vanessa.

“You tryna flirt, boo?” the other girl questioned, her eyes half-lidded as she locked eyes with her.

Brooke let out a laugh. “Bitch I’m trying to take fucking drugs!”

Vanessa, Brooke and Scarlet burst out laughing, Yvie shushing them.

“Right, let’s go, junkies,” she said irritably. Scarlet frowned, sad that she seemed to have upset Yvie in some way. An idea came to her as they left the cubicle and wandered past the judgemental line of waiting girls.

“I’m gonna get us a bottle of champagne,” Scarlet decided, sure for a second that she saw Yvie roll her eyes, but she wasn’t too sure.

“Vanjie, does it look obvious we’ve been doing drugs?” Scarlet heard Brooke yell over the music, Vanessa laughing gently.

“Everyone here is on drugs, baby. Just chill. It’ll kick in in a minute,” she winked, taking both of Brooke’s hands and jumping a little on the dancefloor.

Scarlet watched as Brooke’s eyes darted to a security camera on the ceiling. “Guys. They can see us. They know.”

“Brooke, relax, nobody gives a shit,” Yvie rolled her eyes. Brooke turned to Scarlet, panic filling her eyes.

“Scarlet, what was in that? Is it all okay, yeah? It’s not got anything through it?”

“Oh, good. Well done, bitch, are you seeing this?” Yvie glared at Scarlet before she had a chance to reply to Brooke. “Brooke! It’s fine! You’re okay!”

The music seemed as if it had been turned up louder. Scarlet scrunched her eyes closed. “Brooke, it’s fine, okay? I’m going to the bar, who wants something?”

“Ugh, of course you are,” she thought she heard Yvie mutter. Suddenly irritated, Scarlet whipped around to face her.

“And what is that meant to mean, huh?” she snapped, Yvie’s eyes widening a little at being challenged.

“You, bitch! What the fuck is up with you these days?”

“Nothing’s up with me? What is this?!” Scarlet cried, a couple of heads turning their way then slowly turning back. She could feel her heart hammering in her chest as if she’d just drank fifty Red Bulls back to back, although she was unable to tell if this was the effect of the drugs or just how annoyed she was.

“Something’s off with you. Fucking…cocaine, champagne, this constant…buying everything for everyone like we’re all charity cases, behaving like you’re a fucking extra off Gossip Girl? This isn’t you, Scarlet!” Yvie yelled back, suddenly grasping her by the wrists and giving her a shake. “The normal Scarlet would have shit herself at the thought of doing a key, the normal Scarlet would want to go to Levels and pay a pound for entry instead of going here to dance around with a bunch of fucking Love Island rejects!”

Yvie’s words stung harshly at Scarlet’s heart. She knew the other girl could sometimes grow argumentative when she was drunk, but Scarlet had never had it directed at her. It wasn’t nice. Scarlet felt her tone switch a little as she spoke. “Yvie, you’re being kind of a dick.”

Yvie gave a laugh of disbelief. “Well breaking fucking news, Scarlet! So are you! I mean do you have any idea how shitty it is to see your best friend grow into a total asshole over the space of two weeks?”

“Guys,” Vanessa suddenly interrupted out of nowhere, and Scarlet had no idea how long they’d been fighting or at what volume. “Me and Brooke are gonna go. She’s not doing well.”

Yvie looked at Vanessa, panicked. She cast Scarlet one last withering look before dashing through the crowd, presumably to pick up their jackets. Scarlet felt a bubble of upset prick at her throat. She turned to Vanessa instead. “What’s happened?”

“She thinks she’s having a heart attack. I mean, she’s not, it’s just the drugs, but I’m still worried about her,” she frowned, biting her lip. Vanessa jerked a thumb back to where Yvie had slinked off. “The fuck was that all about?”

Scarlet shook her head silently, not trusting herself to speak unless she began to cry. She didn’t understand how she’d managed to fuck everything up so badly. Vanessa saw her upset and pulled her in for a quick hug.

“Baby. Don’t worry. It’ll be fine.”

The four of them got their coats and joined the taxi queue in a blur. Yvie wouldn’t even look her way, and Scarlet didn’t trust herself to try to speak to her in case she managed to make things even worse. She seemed more concerned about Brooke anyway, who was chattering away, her teeth clicking together in the cold night air.

“Is the taxi driver going to know? Will he just drive us to the police station and hand us in? Do you think he’ll phone the police? What if the police were to just come here right now and say they’re giving random drug tests to everyone in the line? What if-”

“Oh my God, what if you shut the fuck up?” Yvie snapped, Brooke looking taken-aback. Vanessa wrapped her arms around Brooke’s waist protectively.

“Brooky. It’s alright. The police aren’t coming, the taxi driver isn’t gonna turn us in. We’re going back to your flat and we’ll get you into bed safe. You’ve got us, nothing’s gonna happen to you.”

Brooke let out a sound that was halfway between a sigh and a sob. She buried her face in Vanessa’s hair. “I love you, V’nessa.”

Scarlet saw something shut down behind Vanessa’s eyes as she squeezed Brooke tightly. “I love you too, baby.”

Scarlet couldn’t stop herself from casting her eyes across to Yvie, selfishly longing. If she hadn’t fucked everything up, maybe something could have happened. Now, though, it looked as if she’d have to piece their friendship back together, never mind anything more.

The line moved up, and they found themselves at the front. Brooke and Vanessa spilled in, then Yvie. Scarlet went to join them when she found the door getting pulled across in her face. Yvie scowled at her. “No. You’re not getting in with us. I don’t even want to speak to you right now.”

Scarlet could hear Vanessa protesting. “Yvie, for fuck’s sake-”

“You’re not coming with us, bitch. Make your own damn way home,” she reiterated, slamming the door shut.

As the taxi sped away, Scarlet couldn’t fix the slack-jawed look of complete hurt she could feel on her face. As the reality of what had just happened sank in, she felt her face crumple like a paper bag as she began to cry, stood on her own at the taxi rank in the small hours of the morning, and all she could do was wait.

[liviastudiespsych]

How I deal with anxiety

In light of the recent period I experienced, where life was just run by this constant anxiety and fear and self doubt, I wanted to write something to help people out.

So, things I've noticed when I'm anxious and how I deal with them

I am always worse when I'm not sleeping. I need at least 7 hours and I'm trying to sleep more and more.

With that, I've found that most things don't work, I'm not going to lie the "turn tech off", the "just turn the lights off" and stuff like that just mean me staying in the dark not sleeping. What works is watching something or reading something that turns into falling asleep. Don't force it. The sleep tracker helps too bc I realize how little I'm sleeping and I tell myself no, that's not good

Eat! I don't really mind what. Just eat. I didn't have it personally but one of my friends is constantly in a bad mood until he eats. Not eating makes your body shut down a bit. So eat please. For that, coooook lunch if you have time or grab breakfast on the way. When you study, eat bc your brain needs food to function

Since bad days are unexpected, I'd advise you to keep simple dishes around. Some pasta and tomato sauce. Some tuna and ready made noodles. For when you can't cook at all

Plan. Cause planning gives a structure to my life. And structure with anxiety is important. I try to not let my life control me, but to control my life. Not to the last second, but roughly. Repetition and routine are good with anxiety because they don't let you slip so much

If you have someone you can talk to, please do. You might think they're going to judge you but they won't. Especially if they really love you.

Therapy is also absolutely valid and helpful. I have been 3 separate times and it was a bit meh because I couldn't open up and the time and the therapist weren't right. So now I'm terrified of going back but I promised myself that I will. If you're at uni, there probably is a free service they offer. And in the UK, NHS offers services of this kind

The thing that anxiety brings me is the voice, you know the one that tells you that you are worthless, useless and stuff. Which is awful. The thing that you (and I) have to do is realize that this voice is lying, you're not what the voice tells you.

But telling the voice to shut up, won't work. Ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away. It makes it bigger until it explodes in your face. What works is facing the voice head on with reason and having a good cry about it, not in your room where no one can see, in front of someone else. They'll tell you the truth: that the you're not worthless

I don't realize during the period of depression and anxiety what's going on. I see it afterwards. Not until I get slapped by reality. So... How do you tell? Well, when it's a long time you cry too often, when the bad mood never leaves you, when you are always always tired, when you don't get out of bed for days... All of those are indicators. Find yours.

For me, anger and resentment go hand in hand with anxiety. And it exploded all together. If it's the same for you, try not to let it get to that point. If it does and you get angry at someone, don't make excuses, apologize. Afterwards you can and should explain. Don't say "oh, I'm awful" or "it's just the anxiety/depression" say "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I'll try to not put it on you anymore. I was angry at myself and you were there"

Take breaks. For a day, for an hour, a weekend or an entire week if you need. You don't need to constantly do something to be valid, to be great

For the days when you can't get out of bed: trust me, been there. Don't change your shirt, just put a jumper on and change your pants. If you can't shower, brush your hair or ponytail it up. Some deodorant. Get food in you. Get out of the house. Have a simple interaction with a stranger, stupid stuff too. It'll make you feel a tiny bit better

Walks really work for me. Most of the time. I breathe in some air, listen to music and maybe have a good cry. Other times it doesn't work bc I'm thinking too much amd spiraling

When I spiral into bad thoughs, the stuff as "keep positive" or "you'll be fine" and other reminders don't work. What works is keeping a constant noise in the background so that I can drown out the voices. That's why I love coffee shops

If you have to study with anxiety my advices are: plan your whole day, break it down to small tasks which are more manageable and then start small

For when you feel like you are not making any progress, I'll tell you something: that's so not true. Think about it very well, with the analytical part of your brain, you have been worse than this, recovery isn't straight and you know it. But you have been through the bad periods already and you're here. That's what helps me

There will be triggers for your anxiety and depression. I'm starting to understand mines. It helps because you can stop putting yourself into situations you don't want to be in. Say no. Your mental health is more important

Anxiety and depression come from fears and traumas. My biggest fear is loneliness and rejection. Which means that the voice says how worthless I am. Identifying it, takes away some of its power. And it's a starting point for exploring that and working on these fears

In case of an anxiety attack, breathe. There are a lot of techniques to help with keeping panic attacks under control. But you have to find it for yourself. I need physical touch while a friend needs to not be touched at all

I found the best advice was to make two lists: one about things you can control and the other you can't control. And then tell yourself to only focus on the one you can control. Also journaling

Apps, websites and products I find useful

Headspace is one of my favourites, someone recommended it to me for help with sleeping. And it worked! It shapes meditation sessions depending what you need. If you're a student, you can get it with Spotify for cheaper. Bc unfortunately it's free for short time

SAMAapp which I've just started using but it has a lot of interesting functions. It tracks your anxiety feelings and helps with calming down techniques

Love love love ownitbabe account on Instagram and her website. She is so nice, so good and inspirational. And I love her podcast on spotify. I'd like to talk about her more, in the future

Tiger balm is the best for aching muscles which happens so much with the stress, do yourself a small massage

Series I love that are perfect for the background: Jane the Virgin, Brooklyn 99, One day at a time, Queer eyes, Glee and RuePaul Drag Race

Also shout-out to GTLive, Game Theory, Film Theory plus CinemaSins and Honest trailer YouTube channels which upload frequently and have a great voice

There could be so many more things I could say, but this has been long enough. And for now this is all. I hope it was somehow even a little bit useful. It's just my experience not meant to be applicable to anyone, just to explain what I do and how I feel.

I love you all, my sweets ❤️ talk to you soon

[simplerstudying]

4 things I learned when applying for college

So for reference, I only applied to two (2) schools because I did early decision and early application and was lucky enough to get in to my top choice which was NYU. I also got into UMassAmherst which was the other school I applied to. I sort of fumbled my way through the whole USA college application process completely on my own because I go to school in England and my school knows fuck all about American applications. I also just applied this year (2018) so my experience is recent af - I’ll be starting my freshman year of college Fall 2019.

This is just a lil preface/disclaimer so you guys know that this is only from my personal experience and this is not an extensive list of things that can be helpful. 

There are so many lists like this in the studyblr community so please! Look at a variety of them because everyone’s experience is different but still equally valid. I found these lists so helpful when I was applying and I thought that now I’ve done it myself, I should give some of my own tips from what I have learnt.

1. do not leave things to the last minute

I literally cannot stress this enough oh. my. god.

I was a procrastinating idiot and left everything to the very last minute (and I really do mean the last minute - I only just finished my UMassAmherst application in time). The essays especially can be really daunting and I think I just panicked a little bit with them so I kept on putting them off for as long as I possibly could. I promise you, once you start the essays they aren’t that bad. And if you’re smart and don’t leave them until the last moment, not only do you relieve some of the pressure of the application process, you also give yourself time to improve it and to show the colleges the very best version of you.

2. if you can, visit colleges

Obviously this might not be a doable thing for many people, but if you have the opportunity to visit colleges, take it. I was really lucky that my family was able to fly to America and do a college tour as a sort of family holiday, but I 100% recognise that not everyone is able to do that.

When I went, I visited eight (8) in total: Harvard, Yale, Columbia, NYU, UChicago, William & Mary, and UVA. The reason why I valued this trip so much in particular is because of Columbia and NYU.

Before going on this trip I thought I’d love Columbia and hate NYU. For me, the idea of a closed campus was a very big thing that I wanted as part of my college experience and in general, I knew more about Columbia than I did about NYU.

What ended up happening (which you may have already guessed since I’m going to NYU) is that I hated Columbia and loved NYU - a complete switch from what I thought before. I went to Columbia and it immediately just didn’t feel like the right place for me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an incredible uni and a cool campus, but I just personally didn’t vibe with it at all. We were supposed to get a tour but ended up leaving before it started because I just knew that I would never want to spend a whole bunch of money and four (4) years of my life there. The next day we went to NYU which I was iffy about from the get go because it’s an open campus and a much bigger school so I just didn’t really think much of it. We weren’t able to get a tour because they had been all booked up the week we went but we got a map and a student drew out a route for us to take. I fell in love with this school so damn quick you have no idea haha. The entire feel of it just clicked with me and even though its an open campus, it still felt like you were on a campus and surrounded by students whilst also being a few steps away from the centre of Greenwich Village.

TL;DR - NYU went from barely being on my application list to being my top choice all because I visited it in person. If you can, visiting can change so much for you.

3. be honest in your application

Going into the application process I had a lot of anxiety over extracurriculars. Activities and extras are a very different thing in England. They aren’t as big of a deal when you’re applying to uni and in general, they aren’t pushed quite as much as they are in America. As a result, I was really worried that I wouldn’t have enough and that I wouldn’t get into uni because I don’t do a million and five after school clubs.

What I realised when I started the application is that a) you probably do a whole lot more than you realise, and b) there is no point in exaggerating or stretching the truth about what you do/don’t do.

On the CommonApp they give you 10 spaces for activities. I originally thought I’d only have 3 things - I ended up having 6. It isn’t just about what you do as clubs after school, it’s how you help out in general at your school, it’s what you do to expand on learning outside of school, and it can just be stuff you do for fun. I have squash lessons and let me tell you guys something - I suck at squash. I do it purely for fun but it was another thing I could put on my application because all that section is for really is to show the colleges what you do and how you expand yourself beyond your grades. You don’t have to be a star athlete or national level debate competitor - you just need to demonstrate that you do something other than lessons and trust me, everyone does something other than lessons whether they realise it or not.

Another thing that made me go shit i have done nothing with my life was the personal essay. I read so many example essays before writing my own and some of them probably did more harm than good. Not because they were bad, but because they were next level good. There were kids who helped teach refugee kids how to read, who had lived in 12 different countries and spoke a bajillion languages, who were champion chess players, and who had lived insane stories and lives that sounded like they belonged on an episode of Ellen. Now, if you are one of those people, a) congrats! you’ve lived a super dope life already and i’m jealous, and b) this does not apply to you. 

If, like me and many others, you are not one of those people, don’t panic and write a fake super human story. It isn’t worth it and it won’t get you very far. Even if you don’t realise it, there is something that is interesting about you that you can write 600 words about that will give a better insight into who you are for colleges to see. I straight up wrote about my anxiety disorder and how I like to relax by snacking and watching NCIS. That is not a joke. I am serious, I wrote about binge watching TV and somehow still got into NYU (trust me, I’m confused too).

My point is, find something that you’re passionate about, something that is unique to your experience of life that others might not have, something that makes you think. If it’s provoking thought from you, it will provoke thought in the admissions officer.

4. try not to get hung up on one (1) school

I think a lot of people are guilty of this and I am going to go ahead and put myself in that same box. My heart got set on NYU pretty quickly after I visited, trolled the NYU website and watched every youtube video I could get my hands on. I was so fortunate that I got in because despite many efforts, I was totally obsessed with the idea of NYU and wanting to get in. If I hadn’t gotten in, I honestly think I might have had a breakdown and that isn’t an exaggeration. Even when I found out I got in, I still felt sick to my stomach for the entire night because of how unbelievably worried I was that I wouldn’t get in.

My point here is that I wish I hadn’t gotten to that point because there are so many universities out there and so many incredible ones and I think that you end up where you’re supposed to go - truly. I didn’t even think of NYU as a serious thing at first and now I’m going there. Your validity - both academically and personally - is not based on a college acceptance or a high GPA or a great personal essay. By getting hung up on a single school, if they don’t accept you, I think it can really hurt your confidence and it isn’t worth risking your own mental health because of one institution.

That ended up being waaayyy longer than I anticipated haha. I really hope this was helpful and gave a little insight into the process. 

If anyone has any questions about anything - my college application, school in england, study tips, grades, my cats who i love to talk about - pls pls pls do ask me!

[the-numbers-game]

I'm probably not gonna make much sense... as this is yet ANOTHER ramble. World MH day is almost gone here in Scotland. It probably will be after midnight by the time I post this.

I should be writing my dissertation proposal due on Friday, that I told my tutor I would probably submit early, back in the summer and now I'm struggling to write a basic plan about a political party I love because I am 1) a procrastinator 2) stupider than I was 4 years ago ((my last year of high school)) and 3) weirdly sad.

Mental health is this mad, mad subject. I'm okay. I really am. But at the same time, I'm still an anxious fuck. Since leaving my old job that I had a pure love-hate relationship with, as I've posted about before, a lot of unnecessary anxiety has left me. No dread about public transport. No customers coming to tell at me. None of the "other" stuff. I dont feel physically sick and have to take a day off. I'm mostly glad to see the back of it but I'm sad I left a job where I knew what I was doing and was good at (most of the time, sometimes a co-worker or a manager made me EXTRA anxious and made me question my competence). Minus the customers, I constantly provided a good level of service. However, my engagement with customers and giving them a "real", full on servic was rather staggered. When I worked at my first store, I was constantly buzzing and was that annoying(tm) sales assistant. When I tranferred and after my mum died, I just didn't have the energy. After some time off for MH recovery and a really lovely pep talk from my manager at the time (the type of thing youd hear in a movie - no lie) I was back into it - for a while, at least. From then, it fizzed up and down. We're going off topic now. Maybe I'll leave that for another post. Anyway, back to the point. Major workplace anxiety left me. In my new job, I feel somewhat refreshed. Like a weight has been lifted off me.

That's not to say I'm not anxious. I've forgotten how to talk to people. I talk to my team, but I'm not really connecting with anyone. I talk to people, and there's a few I get on with - but nobody is a friend. Two have me on Linkedin but nobody has me on Facebook, nobody asks me to join them at lunch. I find it difficult when I'm doing tasks around the office to talk and ask questions to people in other teams - presumably a confidence issue, perhaps because of the entitlement of some of my previous co-workers. I'm worried people think I'm rude. I feel like I make silly mistakes and ask people the same very minor questions all the time. I know that's normal because I'm new, but I'm just finding it hard to have that connection so many people have naturally. Don't get me wrong, the work I'm doing is pretty basic and the experience is soooo valuable but my confidence isnt there.

Uni is another issue. I thought, entering fourth year, I would be disciplined and be able to study because my degree relies on it. Working three days a week on my "off" days from uni and having a full weekend to myself made me feel motivated. But I'm struggling. I wasn't feeling too bad about everything until Sunday night when I started to feel a little anxious. And then I had an intense seminar on Monday,  followed by another one on Tuesday, with the same tutor. I think I'll get there but I worry about my future if I don't.

My future. Fuck. I keep putting off applying for vacation schemes and training contracts and attending open days and insight evenings and volunteering and everything else. I dont feel rounded. I can't answer the questions on the applications because even though I've got experience in committees and I've been working 15+(now 22+) hours a week since I was 17 this isn't enough. Others manage it because they're wealthy and don't work. Others manage it because they have more drive than me. I'm lethargic and I don't want to be. But a day of uni/a day of work poops me out and even just doing my prescribed readings for class on top of this makes me feel ill.

Anyway. Sorry. Yeah. I'm an axnious mess. But I'm not as bad as I was. But in ways... am I worse?

Or am I just lazy??? I'll never know.

I had this horrible stress dream on Sunday and I think that's fucked me up into thinking like this. I'm okay. Really. I can function. I used to take a lot of panic attacks. And now???? Hardly ever. Even last year, around about Xmas time I think I had a tad of depression (not diagnosed so we dont know for sure). I wasn't excited for Christmas and I spent a lot of my time, at the end of 2017, just feeling a little bit ...not there??? Like it came outta nowhere. The end of my summer was a bit anticlimactic, for reasons that are too deep to go into (mostly about work and also realising one of my courses had been missold to me). I was so so lucky to have Ruby and Callum in my life but like......my energy was just so low. They just kept me going (and stuff often do).

Today, I'm alright. And I have been forms long time. I just find it hard to put in the 110% you need to. My emotions feel real again. I cry about dogs on a daily basis and I laugh and I have a list of good that outweighs the bad about my life. I need to learn to not be scared of engaging with other people and I need to dedicate time for me in the future.

I'm also growing up. Like. I can't function as well on 0 sleep as I could even in like March. One of my best friends, who I dont see often anymore and who also doesn't have facebook was flabbergasted when I informed him of this... he also reminded me that I'm still young and hormes and shit...

Idk where I was going with this post but I'm just so.... so...... urgh. Yeah.

Like this post mental health doesn't make sense. And like me my MH is sound but also a bit of a dick.

There's A LOT of other shit I wanted to stay but this has gone on too long and I need to sleep for work in the morning!!!!

Anyway ily all and thanks for staying with me.

You are kind and valid and I probably love you.

xxxxx

[dk-s]

yepp!! i'm indian :) and i can relate :/ i am very guilty of not having run/work out that much since track got cancelled 😔 but i'm trying to get back into it !!

yeahh i'm american (🤢) summer starts in june and ends in september! but for uni we get a longer break for summer & longer winter/spring breaks as well so i'm def looking forward to that haha.. uni apps are very stressful, but once i submitted the first few, momentum just.pushed me thru submitting the rest!! you can do it!! i'm rooting for you <33

ohh 🥺 that seems so fun!! ancient history is so fascinating to me, but i never got to study it much in school so i wanna see if i can try and take like a basic class in uni as a history credit!! +my parents want me to go into medicine too, but i think even if they didn't want me to, that's what i would choose anyway yk?? before pandemic, i was volunteering at the hospital near my house in the pediatric wing and 🥺 kids are so cute 🥺 it was so fun i miss it :(( but i'm sorry about your parents :(( you have time to figure out what you wanna do tho, so i'm sure you will figure it out and be ok!!

yeah!! when i first got my license i would just drive around randomly to get used to being by myself, and now i just have to keep practicing to get more comfortable !!

ohhh yeah i have heard that abt his writing before! and 💔 it makes me sad thinking about all of the characters that will die 💔 i'm looking forward to it though !!! hopefully school will stop being hard for a second for me to read it! i am in grade 12!!! everyone says grade 12 is supposed to easy but i'm suffering why 😔

ohhh relate,,, plenty of times we'll be driving home from parties and my parents are just spilling all of the drama between our extended family thinking my brother and i are asleep in the back

oh i definitely have a vitamin d deficiency even if i go outside in the summer, i always wear long sleeves/pants so now i take supplements.. :/

and omg ur australian??? that's so cool!! idk why i didn't figure that when you said school was nearly over for you lol it took me a second. + for some reason, whenever i see that someone is australian, i always think of felix and chan from skz bc i love them 🥺

this ask is so so so long im so sorry pls forgive 🥺 but please have a wonderful rest of your day!! i love talking to you too 🥰 -age twin anon

omg that’s fine!! idm its long!! i love talking to u <3 and yess im so proud of u getting back into track woo!!! get fit!!! i might do some exercise indoors during the holidays 😳

and wow!! u get longer winter breaks?! lucky because ours are so short but our summer one is heaps longer! esp this year because the rest of the school ends near the end of december but as year elevens we end next week so i get an extra three weeks!! hopefully that’ll give the holidays for me to think about universities n figure how i can make myself sound good on an application 🤠

fr tho! history is so so interesting n i have an option at the start of y12 to take a small university course for a few weeks n i chose this topic called legacies of an empire where we study the effect of imperialism n it focuses on india/pakistan so its like *clenches fist* white people!!

and yes!! children are so cute n i would wanna work w them like in my city we have a new state of the art children’s hospital and its so massive n clean and its so organised and i love the different departments n i’d love to work in genetics or endocrinology!!

and about driving! i’d love to just drive around n listen to music but i also know i dont trust myself that much because a song would come on n i’d prob drop the wheel to do the choreo!!

and yea i would warn against getting attached to a tolkien character but its so worth the read!! our teachers do warn us that y12 is hard!! n i’ve gotten my textbooks already so i plan to get a bit ahead in the holidays so im not utterly confused in physics next year 😶

and like!! when my parents are on the phone w relatives im listening so i can learn the tea 😌 same!! i dont really wear shorter things so im not getting that sweet sweet sunshine!! and yep!! im australian and ngl i feel more national pride in bangchan n felix than i do from any other australian mascot or politician on the world stage, because like our pm? nah. bangchan n felix? kings!! 

i hope u have an amazing day bb!!!

[notanotherinfjblog]

The types as people I know of the types (from an INFJ point of view)

INTJ: - no one is better at discussing society and the human mind and politics with at 2am than him - his many coping mechanisms make him look like he’s full of himself to most people when he’s actually a giant ball of insecurities - successfully manipulates people in his work place in such a subtle way over months in order to get rid of a person he deems incompetent for the job  - but if he chooses to do so, he’ll tell the person he’s about to get rid of about his plan because he has “a little piece of morality left in him and views this as a courtesy to them” (that person always thinks he’s joking. and then they’re gone 3 months later, oops) - awful sense of humour that is rather endearing  - very very emotional and has no idea how to cope with them - give him all the love you have inside, he needs it 

INTP: - starts his day with googling stuff and eating cake he baked for himself - it’s nice going on about deep questions with him, but he only listens for the most part. Uncomfortable theories are countered by “No, I don’t believe that”, but it’s obvious that he’s thinking it through. He’ll usually end the discussion with “I’ll have to think about that. I’ll tell you tomorrow what I think of it.” - gives himself such a hard time because he wants to work independently from everyone else, but has everyone’s best interest at heart. So, if someone is sick and still tries to do the laundry or fetch themselves a coffee, he’ll go mad because it stresses him out so much that the sick person deliberately overextends themselves, so he has to hurry up in order to do the things for them in their place but faster  - “I’m always right. I know that sounds pretentious, but it’s true. I don’t want to always be right, sometimes I wish I wouldn’t be. But what can I say, I just am always right.” - despite supposedly always being right, he misinterprets other people’s and his own emotions with a confidence 24/7

ENTJ: - the most sociable person to exist - the best liked person to exist - was always elected as representative for group projects, for the class, for the whole school, and now even in local politics  - probably our future chancellor in 20 years time - miraculously good at everything - I once asked a friend of him an organisational question to which that friend replied in all seriousness “I don’t know, I’ll go ask Napoleon” and went straight to this ENTJ - stormed into the principal’s office with 30 other people behind him once after he find out that our homophobic principal unrightfully accused a gay guy in our year of pedophilia, so he gave her hell

ENTP: - “What’s the password of this computer?” he asks. “I don’t know, that’s your computer”, one of his students replies. “...what...”, he says as his eyes widen in confusion. - I don’t understand how a person this intelligent can be this forgetful - frequently almost broke his neck by falling down the same and only existing stair in the lecture hall. every. single. week. - invites not only his friends to lunch, but also everyone who is in close proximity at that time, no matter if you’re someone with two doctorates or a college student in the first semester - tells a student waiting in front of his office for half an hour because he’s late to their meeting that he was just so very busy and ran over there as fast as he could, even though there were witnesses who saw him sauntering out of the cafeteria - broke a leg while carrying a friend’s little daughter on his shoulders who wanted him to gallop like a horse

INFJ: - has the same ridiculous sense of humour as me, so many absurd stories and so many puns - gesticulates just as weirdly as I do when she’s telling a story - very sociable despite being socially awkward, yet very bad at socialising - “Do you think ‘I didn’t know what else to do with my life and figured this field of work is just as good as any’ is a good starter for my letter of application?” - sometimes we only communicate in forms of ironic overdramatic gifs - too awkward and too precious for this world and I smile every time I think of her - makes you feel like the best possible version of yourself every time you’re with her - casually drives 2 hours to meet you and doesn’t even mention it a single time - every secret is safe with her - “It usually takes me a few years to open up to people. Except with you, I don’t why. I feel like every time I’m with you, I talk more than during the entire week. What is this?”, she says, which is funny cause I, as another INFJ, feel the exact same way with her.

INFP: - very shy and socially awkward - she sat down right next to me on the first day of uni in an empty lecture hall and it was obvious that she wanted to befriend me as I saw her struggling to find a way to open a conversation, but she just couldn’t do it (she seemed so relieved when I made the first move hahaha) - we don’t talk often, but when we do she admits that she wanted to ask to meet up weeks ago, but only now found the courage to do so and laughs awkwardly about it - it got a bit awkward when we were in a restaurant once and I told her a story and her fork with pasta was hanging right in front of her mouth for a few minutes because she focused too much on listening to me and forgot to eat - I start to miss her as soon as we say goodbye - tries to keep the conversation far from emotional topics because then she’d be incapable of looking you in the eye and giving you a proper answer 

ENFJ: female ENFJ: - the most sociable and popular person I have ever met - gives the best hugs - an absolute cinnamon roll with a heart as big as the whole town - makes you feel very special - when we were little I was so scared that I didn’t mean as much to her as she did to me because she had more good friends than I had distant acquaintances (until she suddenly bitterly fought another friend of mine for “stealing” me from her haha) male ENFJ: - the overenthusiastic guy I started uni with who ended up getting his Bachelor’s degree after two years and then skipped the Master because he already had a Master’s degree in physics and is now doing a doctorate for linguistics and I’m like ???? - he likes to ask personal, very disarming questions but in a curious and friendly way - seemed like the weird kid at first, turned out to be an absolutely odd sweetheart who constantly giggles about his own jokes

ENFP: - takes everything you say serious and doesn’t really understand that 80% of the things I say are nothing but jokes - every time I dramatise a slight inconvenience or problem that I don’t actually worry about at all, she thinks I’m crying for help and gives serious advice, which is really really endearing - pricks you repeatedly in class in order to find out how far she can push you until you get angry - has a very loud, but very nice laugh that makes you laugh too immediately - wants to make everyone feel included - one minute, she behaves like a little child, and the next, you wonder when the hell she turned into an 80-year-old wise wizard guiding you on your journey

ISTJ: - loves talking to people and doesn’t realise she’s a bit socially awkward - is a good person in disguise - painted over all the love letters she got from her husband in fear of anyone else ever reading them - her only way of showing you her love for you is by sharing knowledge and giving you interesting little articles she cut out from the newspaper for you - very bossy - can still recite poems she learned in primary school - the only 80-year-old from a tiny tiny village that I ever met who is this open-minded, like “Oh, my son adopted a girl from Africa? Yay, what a sweet grandchild!” and “Our new mayor is an immigrant? I live in such a good town that the people here are so accepting and open, this is great!” and “I don’t understand how two women could love each other, but if they are happy together, then so am I!”

ESTJ: - interrupts a professor in his talking because she felt like she could explain it better. Now she’s working for him, so she got that going for her. - very insecure about coming off as arrogant when she is so overeager to explain things because she really only wants to help people as best as she can - such a workaholic - the first person to offer help with anything and without hesitation (and when I say anything, I mean really anything) - has friends and acquaintances wherever she goes, no idea how - no matter what time it is, she will text you back immediately - “Do you know person XYZ? No? Awww I never really noticed her until last month and then I talked to her and she’s so shy and quiet but so sweet and funny, I love her.” - I’m starting to believe that she has a time turner like Hermione Granger in The Prisoner of Azkaban cause there is just no freaking way that she manages to do so many things in 24 hours, it’s just not possible

ISFJ: female ISFJ: - stops everything she’s doing because something reminded her of a story about her cat that she needs to tell immediately - an absolute sweetheart - always roots for the underdog - smiles a lot and giggles a lot male ISFJ: - a popular yet genuinely nice guy back in high school who, for whatever reason, nominated me to become our class representative and convinced other people to vote for me (the quiet invisible person). And I won? Against the ENTJ I talked about above? I don’t know how. Or why. No matter how much time passes, I’m still so confused about this. - smiles every time he happens to meet a person he knows - I remember how sweet he was to his girlfriend in 9th grade and how they held hands sitting next to each other in class

ESFJ: - spends half of her life talking with shining eyes about every child she knows - judges people for not thinking she is the centre of the universe - overprotective hen - makes you take that sweater with you because “it could be cold outside some time today” when it’s hot as hell  - makes all of the 12 people present talk a foreign language if her friend doesn’t speak their native language very well  - always means well, but in doing so, she brings everyone close to her in awkward or embarrassing situations without noticing - can’t directly tell someone that she doesn’t like something, so she waits until her spouse or children are out of earshot for a minute and says that they are the ones who don’t like it even if they do

ISTP: - extremely stubborn and independent on the outside - yet thinks of so many nice little things to do for other people, but would never admit that he’s doing nice things for them, so he invents ridiculous reasons to cover up his true intentions - becomes awkward and restless after he did such a nice thing for someone and didn’t get a positive reaction immediately, but is so obviously relieved once he gets that positive reaction (but still denies that he did it for them of course) - very good cook - denies that he has any emotions, but as soon as a slightly bad thing happens you see him struggling internally

ESTP: - the class clown - makes inappropriate jokes - craves to be liked by people but would never admit it - makes fun of you until you fight back, then suddenly turns into your biggest supporter - a very nice person once he finished school and was out of that toxic environment of peer pressure - travelled the world after graduating

ISFP: female ISFP: - dances weirdly in public and doesn’t care one bit - pretends to be drunk women’s friend in order to protect them from creeps - takes the train at midnight to go eat fries in another town because she just felt like it - too cool for you - writes a comment under any photo I post saying that I’m cool, and then she comments from another account under that same photo, tagging her other account how right she is - has a whole arsenal of inappropriate jokes and shoots them all out in the most embarrassing situations - can be absolutely ruthlessly sarcastic male ISFP: - the only guy I’ve ever met who openly says that his favourite movie is a very kitschy movie and then recommends you some other good romantic movies (honestly, his taste in movies is amazing) - said he can’t wait for the day that he graduates from university so that he can finally move up north to his girlfriend, no matter if he doesn’t find a job there and might have to work as a taxi driver or something

ESFP: - the most emotional person on this Earth and unafraid to show it - very open, very nice, very funny and very pretty, so it’s no surprise that 90% of the guys she gets romantically close to treat her like a bag of dirt because they think she’s “easy” until they get to know her and say she’s “too high-maintenance” - makes you feel more alive than you’ve ever been and makes you laugh harder than you ever have - has an inferior Ni induced existential crisis every other week - socially capable as hell but scared as hell of socialising - likes talking about herself a lot, but is also a good listener - more stylish than you will ever be - Person: “Hey, we should totally meet up tomorrow!” ESFP: “Yeah! Looking forward to it!” ESFP to a friend, 5min later: “Oh my god, why did I say that, I don’t want to meet them, oh my god, what should I do?” and is too scared of hurting their feelings so she doesn’t cancel the meet-up and just stays home wallowing in her bad conscience

[crimsonrevolt]

Congratulations Amos you’ve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Gideon Prewett!

↳ please refer to our character checklist

First of all, I have to address that there’s a wonderful irony in accepting someone with the same name as my character in the rp. But honestly, your app was a delight to read -- the depth of exploration in your personification of Gideon absolutely beautiful. You left us with such a clear picture of the character, both in his backstory and in the potential future effects of the war, all while bringing through Gideon’s humor as well. We’re so thrilled to welcome you into the rp and can’t wait to see you explore all of the dimensions to Gideon that you presented in your app! *your FC change to Eddie Redmayne has been accepted!

application beneath the cut

OUT OF CHARACTER

INTRODUCTION

Amos, 20, he/him, GMT

ACTIVITY

I won’t lie, I can get extremely busy, I am currently training at drama school in technical theatre, and some weeks it is manic, that being said, I have missed writing so much, and I have missed being part of an rp group even more, I am committed to making it part of my daily routine again. My uni work should calm down for the next couple of months and I really want to write as much as I can in that spare time. 5/10

TRIGGERS

*removed for privacy

HOW DID YOU FIND US?

I searched for HP RP in tumblr and your ad was one of the most recent posts, I had a click around your blog and really liked the look of you!

WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?

I am a Neville Longbottom through and through. I could be painfully awkward,self conscious, under confident, clumsy, making goofy mistakes, but in the last couple of years I think I’ve really come a long way. I’ve found my voice, and my confidence, I am happy with who I am as a person, and am no longer striving to be someone I’m not, I have recently decided to stop being so embarrassed all the effing time and just accept that sometimes I do silly things and it’s better just to laugh about it than worry over it for the next week. It has honestly enhanced my life. I’m still waiting on the magic physical transformation into a greek God though.

ANYTHING ELSE?

If there is anything in my app that doesn’t fit with your current Fabian’s headcanons and such, then I will be most happy to adapt if I got in and had a chance to speak with them!

IN CHARACTER

DESIRED CHARACTER

Gideon Prewett

FACE CLAIM

I would be happy to keep Ryan Gosling, although in Fabian’s bio it says the twins look exactly the same, so I would also be quite happy to take on Eddie Redmayne. I would quite like them to be identical, unless of course Beth would prefer them to be unidentical.

REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER

I have been in love with the Prewett twins for a good couple of years now. I wrote Fabian in another rp for a long time and got very attached to him, although I have played both Fabian and Gideon at various different points. When I first started I thought every rps interpretation of the twins would be very different because there is so little on them in the books, but it turns out everyone has very similar ideas. I love that, I love that their character shines through those small details and through the legacy of their family in the books and through the reputation of the Order and through what we imagine the first wizarding war must have been like.

I love that they are essentially broken people trying so hard to make everyone else around them safe and happy, and I love that they are the kind of people who rebel against growing up. I do think it’s very important to see them as individuals, but I think their relationship with each other is one of their most essential qualities. I think it is what makes them unique characters to write. Even if you were writing other twins, I don’t think you’d have the same kind of experience. I think it’s that relationship that keeps drawing me back to them. Their personalities and their backstories, occupation, hair colour whatever, can change from rp to rp, and I love exploring each slightly new character, but most of all I love finding out how they interact with their twin, and what their priorities are during the war, and what lengths they are willing to go for their family.

I think my interpretation of Gid in this rp, is someone who is not necessarily hiding their negative emotions by putting on a brave face and cracking jokes, but instead, he is separating the good from the bad. He doesn’t mind when people see he’s having a bad day, or if people can tell he’s angry, or stressed, he won’t do much to hide it whilst the situation is still having that negative affect on him. But as soon as he gets to the party or the pub, or he’s having a laugh with a friend, he lets go of whatever is bothering him and enjoys the moment. And think it is people who generally make him happiest, like, he can find enjoyment in food and sunsets and such, but it’s interacting with people that really brightens his mood.

PREFERRED SHIPS // CHARACTER SEXUALITY // GENDER & PRONOUNS

No Preferred ships as yet. Bisexual but with a higher preference for men that he’s not quite willing to admit yet. Male, he/him.

CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER:

Gideon works in the Department of Magical Transportation. It’s not his dream job, or something he’s particularly enthused about, but it keeps him busy and it pays the rent. He got a job in a low level position a couple of years after graduating Hogwarts, thinking it would simply be a filler until he found what he was really supposed to be doing. However a summer temp job turned into 7 years of small talk, paperwork and rank climbing. The truth is he never really figured out what he wanted to do, apart from boyhood dreams of being a quidditch player, he never found a career that grabbed his entire attention. Now with the war, he has higher priorities than finding his true calling. It is a stable job and it gives him a good position in the Ministry, which is helpful for Order work. Despite what all this may point too, Gideon is a very intelligent individual, perhaps not academically outstanding, but his brain is always ticking along, even when it is being numbed by repetitive form filling and box ticking.

Gideon is very interested in the arts. He always liked music, but after graduating from Hogwarts and moving to London he fell in love with muggle artist like Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin. It started with him curiously walking into a muggle record shop and buying a few singles, now he is hooked on Ginsberg’s poetry, and Robert Mapplethorpe’s photography. Particularly Mapplethorpe. Gid really likes that they don’t move, like a one way mirror, he can take as much as he likes from the photo but it doesn’t take anything back, it almost feels like a secret, and being a twin, he doesn’t get too many of those. A couple of years back he picked up a guitar, and now he can play a few chords or pick a few tunes. He also likes to scribble down ideas whenever he gets a chance, half finished lines of poetry or prose litter his apartment collecting coffee stains and dust.. Sometimes he thinks maybe he was meant to be an artist, but he brushes those thoughts quickly away.

Gideon isn’t great at relationships anymore. A couple of years ago he had a fling with a guy at the ministry called Anthony. Gid fell head over heals, he felt it was a lot more than a fling, but Anthony insisted that it was just a bit of fun. He didn’t allow Gid to tell anyone, explaining that his family wouldn’t be very understanding if they found out, and at first he was fine with that. At first everything was spectacular. But eventually Gid ended up giving a lot more into the relationship than he was getting back. Gid was essentially at his boyfriend’s beck and call, but if Gid ever had a bad day, Anthony always had some excuse for why he couldn’t come over. It went as far as Gid being guilt tripped into missing the birth of one of his nephews because his boyfriend had a cold and needed looking after. Anthony often asked to borrow money from Gideon and although Gideon barely had anything to give, he would give it freely, to the point where the boyfriend spent money Gid needed for food on a new pair of shoes. Anthony would near constantly flirt with people infront of Gid, but if Gid so much as looked at someone else the wrong way, Anthony would fly into a jealous rage. In short Gid was miserable, but he was living in those moment of blissful hope where Anthony would make him feel like the only person in the entire world who was worth a damn. Unfortunately, those moment became few and far between. Eventually someone (probably Fabian, let’s be honest) got worried about how far Gid had declined from his old chipper self, and intervened. Gid had to break up with Anthony, and after a tumultuous on again off again period Gid finally broke ties completely. On the outside it appeared like Gid soon bounced back to his old self, but underneath he still carries the scars of the relationship. He finds it hard to commit, or trust people’s affection, the insecurity that probably lead to the relationship getting so out of hand in the first place, even more pronounced now. He never thought he would be sucked into abuse like that, always the first to speak up about other people’s injustices, but he quickly found out it was much different when he was submerged in the situation himself.

IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE

♔ If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it: Right, I was thinking about this the other day, and I think it would be really very useful to have a spell that let me see round corners. Because, the other day, I was in the arse end of London, at a pub, a muggle pub I should add, those places are crazy! But anyway, I needed the toilet quite badly, I stumbled in, there are just two stalls, neither of them have door so I storm into one, and there’s two people furious shagging on the loo, now, if I’d been able to see round that corner, I would have made a strategic retreat before getting anyway close to that cubicle. Although, I suppose, being in muggle London, I couldn’t have used magic anyway. And really, if I hadn’t been so drunk I might have taken the loud moaning and groaning as a cue too. But, you get my point! It would be a handy thing to have up your sleeve!

♔ You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that you’d want with you: Fabian, of course, in this purely hypothetical situation that we have never done before because it is completely FORBIDDEN and not allowed at all. But I’d probably bring a packet of smokes, maybe something a little stronger, Fabian could bring a wireless because I’m cheating and assuming he’s getting one item too. Then we could find a nice little clearing somewhere and relax far away from the troubles of the world, closer to the very real troubles of getting speared by an angry centaur. Again, like I said, a purely hypothetical situation.

♔ What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make? It takes me forever to decide what to eat at restaurants, everything sounds so good, the whole place smells amazing, the guy across from me has something on his plate that looks delicious, but it’s all so expensive! Maybe I’ll just have a salad. Oh no, but you’re ordering a steak and my mouth will water the whole meal, Screw it! Bring out three pheasants, oysters and a bucket of champagne!

♔ What is one thing you would never want said about you? That I don’t care about something I definitely do care about. I don’t care if someone says I don’t care enough about signing Stacy’s leaving card, because honestly I spoke to Stacy once and I really don’t care about signing her leaving card. But if someone dared say I didn’t care about my family, they were have a hex coming their way. I know sometimes I can come off a little nonchalant because I like to have a good time, but that does not mean I don’t care. I care way too much for it to be discarded by an offhand comment from someone who has no idea what they’re talking about.

WRITING SAMPLE

It was the hottest day of the year so far. Gid could feel the sweat making his shirt stick to his back, his school tie and cloak had long since abandoned. Nearly everybody was down by the lake. Couples were sitting on the grass enjoying the last light of the sun giving their significant other’s acne clad faces a golden glow. Groups of friends pretended to do their homework whilst exchanging the latest gossip and daring each other to throw things at the squid. And then there was Gideon and Fabian. They stood apart from the rest, purveying over the scene in front of them. Gideon was relatively satisfied by the turnout, of course, the poor fools didn’t yet realise they had turned out for anything.

“You definitely set the timer up right?” Gideon asked Fab as they waited.

“Yes, definitely. Any second now.”

“Really? Because that’s what you said last time. Remember how disappointing that was. Just a good job we didn’t advertise this time.” Gideon smiled despite himself and Fabian gave an amused huff.

“Any second n-”

Fabian was cut off by the abrupt explosion from across the lake. Reds and greens and purples burst into the twilight sky. Flowers and streamers of light illuminating the faces of the Hogwarts populations as they looked on in avid fascination. Gideon very nearly fist bumped the air. The fireworks were an incredible success. People were gasping and laughing and screaming.

People were screaming.

Gideon came too. He was on his knees, sweat slick hair stuck to his face and his head hung uselessly on his chest. His hand clenched around his wand feebly at first, then stronger. People were screaming. They were running. They were terrified. Someone booted his leg as they ran past and stumbled over his inanimate body. He barely felt it.

His eyes were open, but he couldn’t see anything. Just dust, the thickest cloud of dust, he couldn’t even make out the ground in front of him. He struggled to remember where he was.

He had lit a fuse. He had been told to light a fuse. He had thought it would be a good idea. He had thought it would make a difference. Now people were screaming. There was a baby crying somewhere. The dust and chaos cleared fractionally and Gideon could make out the wreckage of the blast.

What had he done? He tried to get to his feet, but his legs wouldn’t work. He dragged himself over to a wall, he couldn’t breath. Every time he drew in a breath, he sucked in the dust and began to cough. He would die here. He couldn’t breath. He had killed people here. Innocent people. The baby had stopped crying. He had to get out.

[thattaekwondoblog]

My Martial Arts Story (TKD)

2020.04.26

today i miss my dojang extra... i woke up from a dream where i was supposed to spar but didnt have my dobok?? and one of my instructors handed me a.. dobok skirt?? and i was like? and he was like yeah u right this isnt gonna work sdbsmdfjsdd i dont really ever have tkd dreams (i think bc i usually am always doing tkd) but since i stopped for a bit the dreams are coming out. it made me miss sparring so much :( so below i wanted to talk about my tkd story in more detail. Enjoy!

i've actually always been a martial arts nerd, but moved around/focused on studying too much to commit to one until recently. I was talking to my mom the other day and neither of us can really remember what got me into it. I just remember wanting to be able to defend myself and be/feel strong from a very young age, and i knew martial arts was a way to do that. As a girl I also received a lot of messages that my gender was ‘weak’ and needed ‘protection’, which i really didnt like (it made me hate being a girl for some time). This is why i wanted to try martial arts. I discovered taekwondo when I was around 10 years old at a small dojang in my hometown. I loved the school & the master, who I remember always had a bamboo stick he would play around with when the kids started being rowdy (he never hit anyone, it was just his way to say ‘dont fck with me’ haha). but had to stop going after yellow belt because i was the oldest out of all the kids and i tried to go to adult classes for a while but i remember not liking it because it was ‘too slow’ for me and my mom couldnt drive me to late night classes. I was swimming a lot at the time too (fun fact i almost competed in synchronized swimming as a kid but had to stop due to illness (am totally fine now and it wasnt bad dont worry)). 

I didn’t do any martial arts in middle school, and only had brief encounters when i started high school. I dabbled in kick boxing (which i still love) through an intense week long training while i was on holiday with family, and then did a bit of karate, for which sadly i had not such a great experience with the instructor which made me distance myself from the sport. The instructor brought up a heavy personal life event during class and i broke down (what did she expect i was like 15 and that event was really hard). When my mom picked me up, she shook her head to her and said ‘girls...’ in a very demeaning way, as if me crying because she re-awoke trauma was a result of ‘feminine weakness.’ i have not forgiven that person for that comment yet. she shouldn’t be a teacher if she treats students like that in my opinion. High school was very competitive and intense so i focused on studying and didnt really do sports then.

In college I really want to do more martial arts, but the lack of proper clubs or instructors made it difficult. I then went to study abroad in seoul and thought to myself if i dont try tkd again in the literal birthplace of the sport what am i doing with my life. i had good experiences with classes at uni; the two masters i had had very different personalities (one was very outspoken and funny while the other.. you could FEEL the power of tkd when he touched your arm slightly to place it correctly sdhfskdj he was very nice though). I had to stop because i was focusing on my academic projects though. 

i then graduated and moved to the city, where finally there were plenty of martial arts opportunities! the first thing i did after moving to the city, even before moving into my apartment, was to visit my current dojang. i audited a class and in my head was like ’oh my god i MUST join them right now give me a dobok let’s GO’. I signed up for classes that day. The dojang master (my dad. my father, the love of my life (in the most platonic way)) was a seoulite (we bonded over that) and realized I hadn’t started my job yet so he gave me a discount, which i felt incredibly surprised by and grateful for. I started lessons the next day. at my dojang beginners usually get 3 private classes at the beginning to get the basics down before joining the group. after my first, the instructor said that i was probably ready to go with the group if i felt comfortable doing so bc i already had basics. i went every day until i moved into my apartment, when i had a mental and physical breakdown and got really sick for a week (like.. i dont remember feeling this weak and sick my entire life). 

But thankfully i got better and pushed myself to go to dojang again. and it was hard. it was the summer and i hadnt used my body really in years, if ever at that level of practice. three times a week as Difficult for me, physically. i remember being frustrated that my ego wasnt satisfied haha (i thought i remembered a lot more than i did). but i loved the instructors a ton and practice was a great safe space/stress relief for the other sht that was going on my my life. I do remember that i was ready to graduate from white belt and start feeling better about my moves by the end of that summer (i was pretty frustrated that i couldnt do higher level moves, though mostly at myself). 

i finally got yellow stripe and tkd things went uphill from then. i got to know ppl at my dojang better, started to go to practice more progressively. I got my yellow belt and decided then that i wanted tkd to always be in my life as much as possible. I started going to practice every day or almost every day. my tkd friendships were developing, there were small disagreements too but overall i fell more and more in love with my instructors, the dojang master (again, my dad) and the sport. we laughed so much, sweat so much, lived well.

after green stripe, my self consciousness during practice spiked a bit more than usual. this is probs bc my life outside of tkd was stressful and i was looking at my friend fellow tkd members who were higher level more. i wasnt jealous of them, far from it, i just felt small compared to what they were able to achieve and felt bad that the instructor had to stop to explain the technique to me Again. in case it wasn’t clear, i am no prodigy; i learn slowly and with long consistent practice. the two disagreements i had with my closest member friends (two separate very different reasons; we kept things civil on both sides but having to deal with that was a new experience for me so i wasnt great at it haha) didnt help my anxiety shut up during practice. i still kept at it. in january my school has an attendance challenge where you win prizes if you go every day or more than 20 days out of the month. I almost made it, but got really physically tired & kinda sick 3 days before then end of jan and had to miss one session. i was also mentally drained by life stuff so i decided to prioritize grad school applications and did less tkd in february. but that experience of going every damn day was so fun; i realized I needed to do this so much more. if there was a tkd seminar where they send you off somewhere to to tkd for like 3 months i would be down. that is when i realized my love for the sport, and the significant changes in my body that had been occurring over the past months really revealed themselves. i hear you thinking there’s no way i could fall more in love with my instructors but guess what... spending every day with them really made the love Explode dudes. In jan and fed i also really started loving sparring, even though im not great at it. 

and then... march came. i got lucky to have been able to celebrate my birthday a few days before they decided to close my state down. at first i was still able to go to my dojang with smaller classes and different format of classes that respected health guidelines, but eventually everything was moved online. during that week of limited classes, i got to hang out with friend members and instructors for what would be, unbeknownst to me, one of the last times. one night after (6 feet no contact) starring, me, 2 friend members who also went very frequently and an instructor had a beer on the mats just talking and chilling. we said that we would do it again the week after. and then the state decided to shut down small businesses. i was helping the dojang transfer their classes to an online format with another student for a week (we two were the members with the highest attendance in the recent times), but then the instructors decided they should not let students come in anymore. 

i was angry, i was sad, i was devastated. it was the sound solution to take and all these closings are essential and needed for public health safety, but emotionally i was not ready to let go of the dojang. i was angry at the circumstances for taking away the one thing that i truly loved and kept me going all those months of less than ideal job situation and lost of existential questions. the dojang had been my challenge, my rock, my family. i was especially angry because i had to mourn the loss of it a lot earlier than i wanted; i was already supposed to leave in june of this year. the closer june came the more teary eyed i got when i thought of leaving the dojang, but after the news i had to stop going now... i broke down. i cried so hard and loudly, alone in my room. i realize now it was the first time in my life that i cried because of love. pure, unaltered love. i thought to myself ‘how lucky is it that i felt this amount of love for something and some people’. ive moved a lot in my life but rarely felt sad when leaving a place; i often had made my goodbyes and knew it was just time to go. there were few or no things keeping me back, or i knew i would find those things somewhere else. it was also the first time i had let myself fall in love with something and people only for me. i love studying and learning for example, but when i started doing it it was mostly to make my mom and family happy, not for me. i didn’t feel like i had had a passion that i completely gave in into, a truly ‘me’ thing no one asked me or expected me to do but i just did not to have a better resume or be perceived better by society. until tkd.

now, i am still following online classes but mostly have my own training routine because it’s still hard to deal with the emotional stuff; i dont really do to live classes cause it hurts. it probably sounds strange but ive already done the emotional work of distancing myself to make the leaving less difficult. i also didnt really like the the idea of practicing in my room in front of the camera. seeing the other students on zoom would also make me feel v sad. im slowly getting out of that state of mind though and might start taking online classes again in a bit when i can’t do my regular training routine. im not sure when things will go back to normal but before i leave i will definitely send them gifts and goodbye messages, probably by mail. but yeah as of now i mostly follow my dojang’s videos, do my practice routine, and scroll through tkd tricking videos on instagram to keep motivated.

it’s kind of a sad note to end on but my tkd story does not end here. wherever im headed next I will find another dojang where i will continue to practice. i can only hope it is half as good as the family i found here. and of course now I have this blog! and will continue nerding out about kicking endlessly hahaha.

thanks for reading if you made it this far! you can ask me questions if you’d like! also tell me your tkd story!! its so cool to hear how life lead people to kicking.

[incorrectkingkillerquotes]

Q and A. . . Finally!!!

@druggeddraccus said: Favorite kkc character?  Favorite kkc storyline?  Favorite book/series that isn't kkc?  What made you all decide to do this blog?  

@halfthealphabet speaking!

Favorite character: Toss up between Denna and Auri. I will protect them at all cost.

Favorite kkc story line: I have a soft spot for the plum bob storyline.

Other favorite book/series: My list of favorite books is here. Happy reading!!

So I started this blog at like one in the morning because I kept comparing Hamilton to Kvothe and created a list of lines in Hamilton that are applicable to KKC. And then I thought, maybe I should make an incorrect quotes blog. Checked to make sure there wasn’t one, threw together a quick format, and posted the quote. I woke up with followers and notes and that’s the beginning!!

@frei-rancken:  well she ^^^ just invited me and i jumped in cause it’s fun. tho i’m rarely active as a mod on this blog which is shitty of me.

@logarithmicpanda: Elodin is my fave, followed closely by Auri (I was delighted when the slow regard of silent things was announced) 

In terms of storyline, I love when Kvothe gets back to the university, after adem. But also the begining of the university arc :D and so many other parts lol. 

I definitely recommend Uprooted by Naomi Novik and The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern, there are probably the best books I’ve read this year.

@halfthealphabet asked if I wanted to do it and I said hell yes. Then I proceeded not to be very active at all as a mod which makes me really sorry.

@kote-the-inn-keeper : My fav is probably... Kote or Devi. Yeah sounds about right! Um, as for joining I was just asked one day, and said sure! While I don’t post too much, I’m glad I was considered and asked <3

Story line wise, I really enjoyed too many of the arcs. Oh man one after another; all of them just so captivating and wonderful! But, I will admit, some were better than others. I really did enjoy Kvothe’s time with the Adem, and the arc where he screwed over Ambrose!

@kvothe-kingkiller : My favorite is Elodin. I love him so much. My favorite storyline is probably anything to do with sympathy or the magic in the books I love how pat actually describes how the *science* behind it works, unlike so many other fantasy series. Other than kkc I dont really know what my favorite series is... I really like anything by tamora pierce and I love game of thrones. Most other things I read are single books. I decided to do this since I loved what was being posted already and had a wealth of cabin pressure quotes that would fit perfectly.

@shineecandy said: wow congrats on your milestone! here’s a question for you: how do you deal with the wait???? it has been years. pat, please, i’m dying   

@halfthealphabet I read a lot and watch a lot of Netflix and check Pat’s blog obsessively. And write meta about it. And read more theories about it.

@frei-rancken: I just wait, and entertain myself with other things. Uni is stressing so i can’t focus on many other things. 

@logarithmicpanda We don’t. We are slowly going mad.

@kote-the-inn-keeper : I answered this in a much more long winded manner, so TL;DR I just want it to be wonderful and perfect so I will wait the best I can.

@kvothe-kingkiller : I watch waaaay too many shows and procrastinate on schoolwork so much that I dont often think about it. I’ve been waiting almost since WMF came out, gotten used to it a bit.

@dirty-n-evil said: Hi, huge fan of the KKC as well (obviously), but for the question I would ask the mods of this blog... what were each of your favorite moments through the books?  Not simply 'Name of the Wind' and 'Wise Man's Fear', but also 'Lightning Tree' and 'Slow Regard of Silent Things'? 

Hey, @halfthealphabet here

So I don’t think I can give just one favorite scene, but I will tell you that I thought The Lightning Tree was not a good addition to the Kingkiller Chronicle and that The Slow Regard of Silent Things is possibly the only flawless piece of writing I have ever read.

@kvothbloodless: Every moment is my favorite, but that being said, the scene in which Kvothe’s parents die never fails to make me cry.

@frei-rancken: It gets kind of difficult but maybe the Eolian’s pipes audition, or mostly when Kvothe tells stories about the Edema Ruh.   

@logarithmicpanda: all the scenes with Elodin crack me up! In the lightning tree, my favorite part was the ending, when you understand what happened. I love every single bit of the slow regard of silent things, but especially when Auri notices the child watching her and makes  a cartwheel. For Notw and Wmf, it’s a bit more complicated. Generally, I love worldbuilding scenes, and whenever a relationship progress in an interesting direction.

@kote-the-inn-keeper : I’m really swept away by all of it. From the characterization and the world building; mostly the building of languages. While there isn’t very MUCH, it’s still there. But, in NOTW I think my fav part was the boys trying to explain Bisexuality without quite having the proper words for it (assuming int he universe sexuality doesn’t quite fit into clear categories for words to be made). In WMF I think my fav part…. oh man this one is hard… but I think my favorite portion of this book was either his interaction with The Maer’s manservant or his time with the Adem and getting his ass handed to him by a small child. Both were very wonderful to me and well written. I can’t say anything about LT, since I have yet to have time to read it, nor more than the first page of SRST due to a lot of life issues and conflicts coming up. But, in retribution for such, I will do a ‘live’ read through of both like I did with NOTW and WMF where I took notes and shared them with you guys.

@kvothe-kingkiller: Honestly, anything to do with elodin. (tiny bit obsessed.) And in slow regard I really love when Auri find the gear and get’s it back to where she lives, (it’s been a while since I read it so I forget some of the names) and I haven’t read lightning tree in ages so while I remember the basic plot I dont really remember any favorite moment.

@freudcallsmedaddy said: What sort of theories do you have about the Cthaeh?

@halfthealphabet speaking. I think that the Ctaeth is more of Bast’s villain than Kvothe’s. So it might come back in other books, but not in Kvothe’s story. He didn’t know what power the Ctaeth even had. It could come into play in Kote's story . . .

@frei-rancken: While i read tons of theories i’m mostly a factual kind of person, so i go with it’s a fae it does not care about shackshit but it’self and its rules, it has a grudge against cinder so it sent kvothe to collide with him, but i’m totally lost on how is it going to happen.

@kvothe-kingkiller: My personal theory is that it’s a bit hyped as far as how much power it actually has. This may be just me being a science geek but the amount of decisions a person can make in the future are infinite. So infinite that even if you could see all of them, you could not possibly choose the course of a person’s life based on one conversation. You might be able to choose a basic-ish path but I honestly dont think its at all as powerful and scary as it’s made out to be.

@kote-the-inn-keeper : cRACKS KNUCKLES MMMMM BOY HOWDY AM I GONNA TRY AND KEEP THIS SHORT! Okay, so there are so many theories out there and I’ve read a few just to collect my own thoughts and ideas from. 

Now, the Cthaeh is a fae and a fae being. We know this because of Bast. It is a prominent and guarded fae due to its ability to tell the future and see the past; making it something VERY valuable and very tempting to try and encounter[NOTE: I am saying it only because we do not know (??) if the Cthaeh has an actual form and or even has a preferred gender really, or is a sentient being instead of a collision of other shit]. As, I believe, Bast said to Kote, it is actually guarded by the fae in the realm so that people don’t go to seek what it has to offer.

This leads to the automatic assumption that people had been seeking it and had been very upset and or disturbed by it’s tales of what was to come. The fae are taught to keep away, knowing that such information is already bad enough to know, let alone ask about. But that probably didn’t stop a few humans...[kVOTHE] or perhaps a few higher beings. Such as the Chandrian? I’m not saying that the Chandrian were able to go to the Cthaeh, but it is a possibility. It would explain some on how they knew where specific people would be and possibly what they would become. 

The Cthaeh also MIGHT not have started off as selfish and enjoyment seeking as we saw with Kvothe, but that also may be just a bit of a stretch. But, say it wasn’t. Say it was just trying to tell people like ‘Oh, hey, yeah in like 5 years your wife is gonna leave you for some hot headed dude who looks like this, so be careful!’ and that spiraled quickly out of control for obvious reasons. One would turn rather sadistic with the power, knowing it would just do more harm than good no matter how it was worded. But, that is just a very small half baked theory on the creature itself! But, going with such a creature or being was always in such a manner sadistic and rude, it would make sense of the fae to HEAVILY guard it. Bast did say people who got too close were killed, right? If I’m remembering that right at all. I remember something like that being said though.

To bring this sadistic being into play with the story for later and Kvothe, I’m going to nod to what was said above slightly; the Cthaeh wanted Cinder and Kvothe to butt heads and probably do SOMETHING to the course of the future. Also bringing back part of my theory of the Cthaeh not always being properly guarded, it may have accidentally sent Cinder on his strange mission and pillage at a more high hostility rate, depending on what was said, so the Cthaeh is sending Kvothe in to stop as much as he can before it’s too late.

TL;DR: Cthaeh fucked up when not guarded by the fae and sent the Chandrian on a brutal rampage to hide themselves and then told Kvothe his specific future to try and get him to steer towards stopping them.

So yeah, that’s what I got in a shorter version... I haven’t read LT, so if there was anything about the creature and Bast in it, I am not aware of it and hopefully will be soon when I get a chance to read

Anonymous said: how do you pronounce "Auri"

@halfthealphabet here I pronounce it like “aura” but with an “ee” sound at the end. Like, “or-ie” (Pat pronounces it like the others, I pronounce it incorrectly).

@kvothbloodless: I always pronounced it are-ee. Pretty much “sorry” without the ‘s’.

@kote-the-inn-keeper : “Ah-ri” OR “Auh-ree” OR “Are-ee”. Well, I guess theya re all the same now that I’m looking at them. Looking up now, I def say it like mod kvothebloodless. 

@kvothe-kingkiller: same as kote-the-inn-keeper and kvothbloodless

@displeasign said: What are you most looking forward to in book 3?         

@halfthealphabet: Closure

@kvothbloodless: Finding out how many of our half-baked theories were right.

@frei-rancken: answers. I really need to know how much of what it is said about kvothe is true and how much is just stories tell by people. 

@logarithmicpanda disaster. I want to know how Kote came to be

@kote-the-inn-keeper : Closure, answers, and an explanation as to why he chose to be an innkeeper to lay low instead of something else... i want my boy to be happy,,,,, le t kOTE BE HAPPY HHHHHHHHHHH

@kvothe-kingkiller: As others said, closure. on so many things I couldnt possibly list them all here. Also more Elodin. He’s really not a big character but he’s honestly my favorite, out of every book ive read and every show/movie ive seen. 

@octarine-ash said: For the q and a: What's your favourite actual kingkiller quote?                               

@halfthealphabet It’s such a quotable book but I use the quote, “You have to be a bit of a liar to tell a story the right way” very often. And I plan to get “Beautiful, seen” on the back of my neck. Also, I love the passage where Fela starts to fall in love with Sim.

@frei-rancken i cannot quote the entire book sadly. but... the kvothe quit grabbing at my boobs passage, the secrets as seen by Teccam, and like a shit ton of other ones.  

@logarithmicpanda the quote about loving something despite its flaws and because of them. It sums up my feelings towards the series actually.

@kote-the-inn-keeper : This one is super hard. There are WAY to many good ones and ones that i find really deep meaning in. And of course, some funny ones. The only one that comes ti mind this very second is a funny one: “You are the horseshit frosting on this horseshit cake.”

@kvothe-kingkiller: I cant find the actual quote through google and I dont really want to re-read both books on the spot to find it but I love when he’s being salty about math and poetry. Saying words for the sake of words and numbers for the sake of numbers are stupid. That quote got me through pre-calculus lol

Anonymous said: How did y'all create this blog? Is it like a side-blog or its own account?            

@halfthealphabet It’s a side blog. And it’s origin story is explained in the first answer :)

@princessmarysea said: This has probably already been asked but...what are your ships in kkc?? I love your blog btw it's really funny :D        

@halfthealphabet speaking: I have to say the only romantic ship I really care about being endgame is Sim and Fela (guys, their ship name should be Selas!!). They really are so sweet and wonderful. I want confirmation that Devi is into girls and guys (which is kind of a ship thing?). And I suppose this is a good time to mention that (although I love Denna), she and Kvothe would only have a disaster of a relationship at the point in their lives. Also, I ship everyone platonically. Especially with Denna because she needs more friends. And Mola and Auri could have such an awesome friendship as well.

@frei-rancken: Yeah mainly Sim and Fela. but if i have to come up with other ships Devi, Mola and Fela being in a happy poly relationship would be like... way too perfect. 

@logarithmicpanda Sim and Fela forever. I’m not a huge shipper though... Like if you throw any cute headcanon at me I’ll start low key shipping it.

@kvothe-kingkiller: Might be because I literally never ship anything, but... none. I mean I like sim and fela but as far as one that don’t already exist, none.

@kote-the-inn-keeper: so maaaaaaaaaany.... So many.... 

So: Kote and Bast, Kvothe and Devi, Kvothe and HAPPINESS, Sim and Fela, Wil and Mola, Wil and Sim (fite me..........), Fela and Mola (more soft/platonic), Devi and Fela, Hespea and Dedan, Tempi and Kvothe, Kote and JOY IN LIFE, Mola and Auri (PLATONIC ONLY!!!!!!!), Auri and PEACE IN LIFE (sobbing my bby let her be happy and safe pat i s2g), Kvothe and Auri (PLATONIC 100%), Kvothe and Denna, Denna and Fela (lOOK IT’D BE SO NICE JUST L I STEN), Denna and Devi (more friends than romance tho), Devi and Mola and Fela, and I think that’s all for now.

@jordantresser What do you think about Cameron Monaghan from Shameless as a young adult Kvothe? 

So @halfthealphabet speaking. I think he looks great and would act great, but also I hope they cast a man of color from Kvothe/Kote.

Hey @frei-rancken here. Well... yes and no. Like i love how he acts in general he is awesome but he looks a tad too devilish for me. Tho i would not be distressed if he were to be cast, it’d be awesome. And yes i concur with halfthealphabet it’d be great if the actor was a person of colour.  

@kote-the-inn-keeper : I didn’t even know who that was, so I looked them up. I’m going to say no, tbh. I just don’t think they fit with my headcanon face for Kvothe OR Kote.... I’d prefer someone who is of rromani origin to play Kvothe tbh; or of color. [EsPECIALLY BAST HAMILTON GUY DONT LET ME DOWN ]

@kvothe-kingkiller Again, it would be great for an actor of color to play him but I kind of think he was written to be at least very pale so that is probably not going to happen. And I think he has the right look, I’d say he would do a good job. (also yes, bast is not white, and neither are the cealdish. whoever casts this show, pls.)

[anything-advice-blog]

Panicking and feeling like my life is falling down (Tag as AS)

Hey,

So as you can see from the title, I feel like my life is going nowhere but down. There really isn’t anyone to blame here but me. My financial situation is down in the dumps because instead of saving up while I can, I got too comfortable and spent money whenever I pleased knowing I’ll have more to come anyways. The main source of my income is now gone so the past few months, I’ve been just barely surviving and I’ve managed to save up little by little again due to the fact that I just recently got a student loan and a grant came with it.

Another aspect of my life that seems to be down in the dumps is my school. I’m not the worst student. In fact, I grew up being at the top of my class every year. I even graduated with honors. With how I started Uni though, trust me, I wished I could go back to restart it all over again. My GPA is below average as I haven’t been paying attention to my classes. I would skip whenever I feel like it and I would always find a “good” reason why. One of the reason why I did that was because my parents got a divorce around that time and as much as I would want to say that it didn’t really affect me much, I guess I coped with it in a way where I thought I was dealing with it properly. I distracted myself with friends and community service but that also distracted me from school. I only attended classes when there are exams and I would just barely pass most of them. I didn’t even meet with an advisor for the first 3 years and just took classes that I think would fit my schedule and also looked easy. Now, I feel like I have just wasted 3 years of my life since I still require about half the amount of classes needed for my program and also, I need to do so much just to save my GPA. Not only that but my program requires a semester exchange which I should’ve already done 2 years ago and I’ve been pushing it back for so long now that I’m just plainly running out of time and classes I can take.

People are asking me now as to when I’m going to graduate or when I’m going on my exchange as every year I just keep saying “Next year.” I already actually applied for the exchange but I’m not even sure what’s happening since I’m not sure if I just wasn’t paying attention when I applied and I didn’t see the additional requirements or they just changed the requirements for the program. I e-mailed the coordinator for that and I do hope its the latter and its not that I just totally missed an entire page of requirements. On top of that, I am slightly below the required GPA but they said if it was close enough, it’s something they can work with.

I honestly feel like I’m failing so much in life right now that death doesn’t even scare me. I am honestly just ready to vanish. Its like no matter how much I try, I keep getting cornered by past decisions I’ve made. I’m surrounded with people who are very well succeeding in life. My boyfriend, who is 3 years younger than me, has a 5 figure savings and I on the other hand has less than a grand. Him and my friends are doing well in school and has so much plans in the future after it while I have no idea what to do after or when I’ll even finish. I told myself I’ll be better this semester and I know I’ve taken the right steps as again, my financial situation is getting a bit better. My exchange application is really just getting to me. What if I don’t get in? I’ve already told everyone and planned for me leaving the next semester. Everyone would think I’m a failure and again, I really have nothing more to do in school if that exchange program isn’t done yet. I don’t know if I actually have anxiety or I’m just getting overwhelmed with everything but everyday I’m just in a constant state of panic. My hands barely stops trembling and I’m less coordinated lately. I barely have any appetite to eat too and I can barely sleep in command as well.

I really just don’t know what to do. Again, I know this isn’t the biggest of problems since I have brought this upon myself and trust me, it hurts more knowing I really can’t blame anyone else but me. I know 5 years down the road, I’ll look back, hopefully in a better place, and thank myself for not giving up. But right now, I just don’t know how I can pick myself up and also kind of still save face. I can’t have everyone think I’m a failure by not getting in the exchange program. I can’t have everyone think I did something wrong by staying in school an extra 2 more years to make up for the 3 years I basically wasted. What do I do? I feel so stuck right now. Everyday I wake up, its like I’m dreading life more and more.

I know its pretty long. I do hope you can give me some advice on at least how to calm down or how to tell the people I love and loves me that things might not go as we all originally planned as I’ve messed up big time. Thank you in advance! :)

Hey love,

I’m so sorry that things in life aren’t going the best for you at the moment, but we are here to help you get through it! Firstly, your financial situation. It is always fixable, and there are always ways to get back on top. I know that everything right now is stressful, and it might be too much - but have you thought about getting a part time job somewhere? Such as a cafe or clothing store? This can be a pretty good source of income, and you can juggle your shifts as you like, e.g. one week you might feel like only having one shift, but the next you could be up for more. Also, I’m sure that there are people such as your boyfriend or family who could help you financially if you’re really struggling. They are there to support you, and I’m sure that they would want the best for you and for you to have your head above water during this time. If you end up getting a job or another source of income, create a budget for yourself. Check out this website here, it has some great tips on how to budget!

It’s okay for your GPA to be below average, there are so many students who I’m sure have the exact same thing happening. Think about why you have been skipping classes - is it because you don’t like what you’re studying? You don’t find it interesting? There are so many options when it comes to university such as enrolling in another unit, or talking to people who can help you make it more enjoyable. I’m so glad that you found some healthy distractions such as friends and community service, and it’s okay that they took your focus away from school for awhile. I don’t think you’ve wasted any time, because you’ve learnt so much. I think you should definitely talk to an academic supervisor as they can help you in making a timetable and selecting the appropriate units. Perhaps there are pathways you can take, any maybe you won’t even have to do all of the units because you’ve made up the knowledge from other things you’ve studied.

I hope that your exchange program works out, because I’m sure it will be a great experience! I want to tell you now that what you’re doing in school and what’s going in your life right now does not define you. There are so many people who are proud of you, such as your boyfriend, friends and family. Their level of success does not make you any less worthy or successful - people rate their success on different levels, and what might be classified as successful to one person might not be the same for someone else. Regarding life after school, you can always talk to a careers advisor who can tell you what options there are with the degree you’re studying, and what career path you can go down with the qualifications you have.

If you are unsuccessful in your exchange application, no one is going to think any differently of you! If you aren’t successful, you can always try again at a later date. At this point in time, I strongly suggest going to see a professional, as they can help you with these overwhelming and anxious feelings you’re having. Check out our webchats link here, which can provide you with free access to professionals who can help you immensely.

You aren’t doing anything wrong by possibly staying in school - people are in university for a range of years, you are not alone! Keep up the positive mindset of thinking towards the future, because yes, 5 years down the track, everything will be okay. I believe in you, and there are so many people out there who love you, support you, and want the best for you.

Lizzie x

[emibearxo-blog]

Day 1

Day 1 has been tough. I’ve had only got 5 full days before Christmas and I’m stressed to the max! It’s been a bad, but good day today. First of all, I had school. Never any good for anyone, although I am finally in my last year of Sixth-Form. As I’m part of the Student Leadership team as Deputy Head Girl of my school, these past few months have been kind of stressful. Today we had to film an entire Christmas video. I know that doesn’t sound like it should be stressful, but it is especially when teachers don’t cooperate, and you’re sent on a wild goose chase for hours on end for no reason. Teachers have been yelling at me recently about my grades and my UCAS application for Uni, but I haven’t been given time to try and sort out Christmas, let alone my future. I’m not doing great at the moment. Things are starting to get on top of me and I’m starting to drown in stress and all the pressure that constantly keeps being put on me.

Then when I got home today at about 4, my mum had a right go at me because of homework and shit. I’m not having a fun home life at the moment. There just seems to be a lot of yelling from my mum and dad, mostly aimed at me due to frustration of me not working downstairs and doing homework where they, well mainly my mum, can micro-manage my life. Mum’s wanting me to make a timetable to basically let her micro-manage me further and give myself literally no time to relax or have for myself. I’m just stressed. but basically, today has just been people getting aggy at me, yelling and ignoring me. so today hasn’t been successful.

Also, my best friend at work, let’s call him Monster Munch for the moment, messaged me on Friday night asking me to meet him after a night out, but bearing in mind that this was about 2am and I knew he was drunk, I couldn’t really let him be alone, wandering the streets. He’s helped me through so much recently. He helped me through me breaking up with my ex, who also happens to be his best male friend who he’s known for about 7 years. Me and my ex are on good terms so it’s not like Monster Munch has to pick sides because were both good. Ended it on good terms. Monster Munch is honestly the best person I could ask for. He really hasn’t helped with my mental state though. I realised the day before (Thursday) that I’ve actually started to like him more than I should. The problem with that, other than him being my ex’s best mate, is that he has a girlfriend. I know it’s wrong of me to like him and to sit out with him in the middle of the night while he’s drunk without his girlfriend of like 17 months knowing, I feel like a horrible person. 

Monster Munch is the year above me as well. I know that’s not a bad thing and that I’m (hopefully) going off to Uni next year doesn’t help at all, or it might because it could mean that I will be getting away from everything and everyone and starting fresh in September. Monster Munch also told me he likes me more than he should while he was drunk, and we had a full-on conversation about how it started, for him, as a curiosity because he couldn’t read me like he usually reads people, but I was different and confusing. I don’t get it. I feel like I’m one of the easiest people to read. Any way, he told me after we got into the deepest conversation I’ve ever had with him. We both feel so guilty about our feelings and both accept that, at this point in time, neither of us can act on our feelings because he is still in love with his girlfriend, let’s call her Dairy Queen, but he can’t ignore his feelings for me. Yesterday, after a long conversation trying to sort things out between us, we both got into a real emotional state and we both were saying things like it doesn’t matter what the outcome is as long as we’re the other is happy. I said to him that I don’t care if he ends up with me or Dairy Queen, as long as he’s happy with the outcome, I’ll be happy that he’s happy with his choice.

I’ve never had anyone really take interest in me and then these past 6 months I’ve had my ex (and also first and only boyfriend up until this point), Monster Munch and another guy who we’ll call Berry Boy, who also happens to be friends with Monster Munch and my ex, who I’ll now call Hungary, so I’ve been a bit confused lately. I have liked all of them at some point over the past 6 months because I’ve grown close to them and seen the real them at different points. But my feelings for Berry Boy have gone now, he was the first of the three I grew close to, but we’ve drifted apart now after an incident that happened which I really can’t be bothered to get into now. Hungary is different. He was my first. He was and still is really supportive of me but sometimes I feel like he’s trying to push me too hard to get into a Uni he would deem acceptable, AKA a Russel Group Uni, which I 100% know I wouldn’t be able to get into and won’t work well in. He was putting down my Uni choices, not to be horrible but because he thought I could do so much better than them, even though they’re good Uni’s. 

My emotions are a mess at the moment.

It also doesn’t help that my favourite Philosophy and Ethics teacher is leaving now. We had our last ever Philosophy and Ethics lesson with her yesterday and I cried like a little baby in front of her and the 9-other student s in the class. I’m really going to miss her because she’s the one person who hasn’t pushed me to breaking point, has listened to my struggles, both school and personal struggles, and has always made me believe in myself when I can’t seem to find the good. This year is only going to get tougher so I’m expecting a lot more tears, breakdowns and yelling matches between my parents and myself. At least I know that I can always go crash at my older brother’s place or my best friend of like 17 years (Kit-Kat) place. Her family is like an extension of my own. I love her family to pieces. 

I’m not looking forward to Christmas this year. If mums already stressed, then I really don’t want to see her on Christmas day because it will be awful. Anyway. I should probably go and do some homework or revision for my exams coming up my first week back at school. 

Let’s hope tomorrow is better.

Talk to you later people!

[chereche]

Rambling Frustrations

So I applied for my current programme in 2013ish (boy has my perception of time faded). Fun fact, this was around the time where my life was basically going to hell in a hand basket anyway and I figured, hey, go back to school, that’d give you something healthy to stress about. Yes, that was my literal reasoning. So I did. Programme ended up being delayed for a year, but by that time, I was actually firmly in hell so it was exactly the right kind of stress I needed to tack on. Can’t worry about the flames around you if you have an assignment due right? And yeah, surprisingly, it actually helped, a lot. Joggling students who seemed intent on putting me into a mental institute with a challenging programme seemed just perfect. 

And then, it all became a bit too much to handle, and, after a discussion with my parents (primarily my mother), I put in my notice and decided to just focus on being a student and to get myself back in order mentally and emotionally before I attempted anything else. I think that’s why now I’ve reached the point of absolute frustration with student life. Mentally and emotionally I’ll say I’m pretty much back, if not better in some respects than where I had been before. Stopped self-harming completely for at least 3 years now (and even before then it was sporadic at best), stopped drinking outside of social situations, started to actual open up to people and admit when I wasn’t feeling okay etc etc. Yeah, I’m pretty much fine in that regard. 

I pretty much didn’t give much/if any thoughts of working for most of 2016. Around April I picked up a seasonal gig at my Uni for exam marking, mostly because I knew that it’d look damn good to any future school I applied to, but I really didn’t actually, seriously give any real thought to working again until August-ish that year. I applied to a good few places, not taking the entire thing too seriously because a) Having worked in initially amusing but overall actually questionable places twice now I really didn’t want that again and b) I’m in a privileged enough position to have parents who are fine with me just being home with them until I find the right if not perfect fit.

I applied to a variety of places, some for fun, some just because and others because I was actually interested in them. I rejected two offers (one place was sketchy af, and during the interview for the second the principal didn’t even take a look at my CV far less the rest of my documents and quarrelled with a child who barrelled into the office for help since a next child had been put in a dustbin) and just didn’t hear back from a few others (although in hindsight I realised I was way overqualified for them to even want me even though I literally would not have minded being underemployed since all of those places would have had me less than 10 minutes from home). 

I also declined two interviews because I suppose I was lucky in my last job to have been part-time during DAY hours. One wanted me to work evenings (and was not located anywhere near a main road), the other on Sundays only (the cost of transport would have nearly equaled the pay rate so it was pointless. And I couldn’t feasibly convince myself to do it for the experience since I have nearly 3 years official teaching experience now and over five if I go back and include volunteer work etc). 

In the midst of it all I ended up finding a sketchy looking but still intriguing enough ad that I applied for, and, wouldn’t you know, it’s a veritable gold mine. Only issue? I’m a fucking student. They called again today (literally three months since my interview and five months since they posted the ad) to see if I was still interested, and minus the profound stress I know the job will be, I’m as much intrigued by it now as I was then. Except, the hours for this job are ridiculous and late (although if work ends past 7pm they arrange transport!), and there are two critical days per week that require an all hands on deck approach. And guess what? One of those two days is when I have class. 

So you can understand my extreme frustration here. I won’t act like if I’ve been twiddling my thumbs waiting to hear from them since November. I’ve still been applying to places as they’ve come up (although the application period is still far enough away that I probably wouldn’t know if I’m in the running for any of the positions until late March at least), and I actually applied to a place that matches exactly with what I’m studying, but the fact that I may not be given a job offer for the place I really want to work because of a single class is extremely off-putting and frankly, annoying. Like my mom literally asked me if I couldn’t just put off the course, but that’s problematic because there are people in the programme now from the 2011-2012 cycle so there is no guarantee that if I chose to withdraw for the semester that it won’t be 2 or 3 years before it’s offered again.

Plus the position is definitely short term - six months if I recall - so in the long term I know it’s better to just make the sacrifice and finish off the programme (2 more months for this semester and then the teaching practicum) and in the meanwhile just keep looking. I know that’s the more feasible option. I know it’s the safest option. I know that’s the option that’s not going to have me in a workplace where there’s no fix departure time (overnighting is actually not that uncommon a thing). And I know that it’s not the end of the world by any means if I don’t get it. There’ll always be more job openings, I actually don’t NEED to work although I’m restless enough now that I WANT to, and even if those other jobs aren’t as rewarding, I’d do my best at them. 

It’s just frustrating that I may not have the choice to say I don’t want this job because of the above reasons but rather I can’t have this job because I have to be in a fucking classroom for three hours out of the week on the day the job will need me the most this semester, and that since the universe apparently is cruel, the six hours I need to put in next semester for my practical work would probably interfere with that as well. 

All I know is that I am definitely not going to upgrade to a full Masters especially in this field because people who go that distance mostly have the intentions of becoming an academic more than a practitioner and that’s definitely not what I’m after. I’m fed up, frustrated and just done. Besides, in five year I’ll probably have no choice but to do post graduate studies in education, so how about I enjoy the rest of my 20s in peace and leave that worry for then?