#for some reason I like coming up with song titles first and then lyrics

[alullinchaos]

sometimes I think I’m just a writer and then I randomly plan out the concept for an entire musical album/record and then just like. forget about it. anyway guess what I’ve done

[pushingdaisies1]

Its never too late baby . . . ♡

(✧ ˚.) PAIRING-> James "Logan" Howlett {A.K.A} Wolverine x Mutant Reader >_<

(✧ ˚.) SUMMARY -> You were always someone who utilized your strengths. Physical and mental, you were a jack of all trades. You were a true hero to the students you taught within the school. Amongst the other X-men, you would always be one of them. But you had this little tick, that always annoyed Logan no doubt. You were a secretive person, too secretive for even his "standards." For others, you were a pillar of nurture and guidance. He saw your well-meaning nature from miles away. It was almost sickening to him how you would stretch your capabilities out to no end. He would never deny that he could be selfish. Sometimes it's more worth it to save your spine, than risk it for someone else. Though with the problems being thrown the team's way as of recent, he always saw you spinning your wheels. You wouldn't reason with him even when he of all people would lend you a shoulder to cry on. Even the students at the school could see it. With their childish snickers and big-eyed looks at your comfortable banter with Mr. Howlett whenever he helped with class. You were in love with the Wolverine. Again, out of all the Canadians - him? It wasn't something like a schoolgirl crush. It was an infatuation sort of deal. You burned for him mind body and soul. You would pretty much follow this scoundrel to the ends of the earth, even the end of your life if prompted. Which causes something to break between you two after you risk your livelihood for your family. The people that made up your heart, including Logan.

(✧ ˚.) AUTHORS NOTE -> hi party people!! I saw so much of the sweet reception for my first ever logan piece , so tysm!! Genuinely from the bottom of my heart the love means so much. As I’m currently going through my x-men marathon time if you will , I’ve had this idea brewing for a while. Thankfully the resurgence of logan content has given me the push needed to formulate this yk! This isn’t a part two to my previous logan post. That will be coming very shortly, but this is its own thing. Timeline wise... erm.... idrk a good place to put this SIGH. I'm thinking like in between x2 and the last stand. also one last final note , the title I took from Chemtrails over the country club. specifically the one lyric - "it's never too late baby so don't give up." felt like an appropriate whimsy title, nd I have been hearing that song everywhere lolz. Anyways, toodles!!! ᐢᗜᐢ (✧ ˚.) CWS (?) -> Descriptions of blood and graphic injury , they/them pronouns for reader !! , mentions of major character deal , Logan cares too much ... which could mean nothing , ur comatose for like the good first chunk of this , Jean and u have LORE!!!!! (not rlly but u and her have backstory beefers/her "passing" affect reader 100%) , mourning/grief, And that's on having no healing powers!! Buh-dun-csh!!

Your fall from grace was quick on the battlefield. This was supposed to just be any regular mission. You were using it as a way to clear your head after all. But you took a leap too far and now here you were, plummeting. The issue at hand was apprehended, sure. But you didn't leave the fight unscathed. Your vision grew too spotty for you to even make out your surroundings. Your hearing too even started to fog. Looking down, somehow or some way a large-sized piece of shrapnel metal had made it into your torso. Right in the sweet spot that was not in the lungs. Your legs began to wobble, losing your footing slowly but surely. You didn't realize your body was falling to the ground. The warm feeling rushing through you was the blood exiting from your hefty wound. It was ironic the last thing your eyes met before collapsing. Logan turned back around immediately once he noticed you weren't clamoring to the jet. His heart sunk to his stomach as he immediately sprung over to you. By the time your head had smacked against the ground, you went out. Your fingertips began to buzz, your fatigue lifting all of a sudden. All of the hurt and weight on your shoulders lifted? You felt freer than before, with a piece of debree stuck inside of your body no more. Even if some people regarded mutants as the next step in human evolution, a majority were still stuck with fleshy bodies. If only you were made out of steel. In this momentary unconsciousness, you thought about everything that went wrong. Your existence as a whole, joining the school. Moving up from student to teacher at Professor Xavier's school, like Scott and Ororo you were one of the first. Regarded as maybe one of the most useful of the bunch. No one could ever compete with Storm, the literal incarnate of a goddess. You thought of her as your eyes closed, embraced with the warm memories of your early days within the school.

The professor was never one to play favorites among his students. But when he searched you out and arrived with a less conniving Magneto at your door, it was clear you were special to him and his cause. From that day forward you were seen as a pillar of hope to a lot of the students. To some, you were like a mother, to others a guardian who would save them no matter the risk. To Logan Howlett - "The Wolverine", you were a coward. A coward that he admired. A coward he respected due to the ways you handled... stress in the simplest of terms. From the day he met you, he wandered around the halls of the mansion bewildered and confused. Something about you stuck out. He would've done something with this urge sooner if his eyes weren't honed in on another.

From day one you were not surprised how fast he fell and yearned for Jean. The woman you saw as your confidant, your best friend, she was magnificent. Smart and poised all in one with a strong set of mutant abilities. She was on the same power level as the professor, which made sense for their connection.

For living in Jean's shadow, you didn’t hate it. You were her right-hand man. Your balance was comforting, she was like your sister. The professor in small quiet moments of honesty to you liked to compare you to him and Magnus. When times were simpler they weren’t at opposing ends of the mutant kind spectrum. Yours and Jean's dynamic made you feel at ease with yourself. How could you worry? Your identity became a part of hers a long time ago. Logan saw more to that with you. Sure you could nag a lot of the time, and you always barked up his tree whenever he found ways to smoke on school grounds. But you just had this pull for him. He'd always find his way to see you first whenever entering a room. His brash and gritty attitude always got all mushy around you. He over time grew a lot more fond of the smallest details when it came to you. He was an amnesiac, his past only bits and pieces. But you made him feel grounded. You cherished his growth in ways no one else had. You were the reason why he was so drawn to the "now" of life. He needed that in times like this. He couldn't keep up for long after the realization that Jean was gone finally sunk in. Drowning at his one-sided attraction, the longing that he could've done more, you pulled him right out from that rut. Thank god that the two of you combined had horrible sleep schedules. His nightmares still stirred while you were suddenly afflicted with these with the memories of being on that jet when it wouldn't take off. That same pain rocketed through you every night as you were haunted by the sight of Jean finally swept into the oncoming flood. The feeling of grief ricocheted throughout the entire school. But you found your way to stay afloat. It was Logan, which you never thought of yourself admitting. But truth be told it was him. He was the most anchoring thing around you. Ororo distanced herself for the first month, while Scott cracked under the pressure of grief. Late nights dashing around the campus halls to the kitchen, out to the court where you two just talked. You had never seen him talk so much until you two became each other's support. It made you feel better seeing him smile more. Especially when it was at you. Again, you would never utter that truth EVER. At least that's what you thought. But his smile was a nice reminder of all of the light he held inside of him. As much as he despised ... everything, he was still so nurturing in his own ways. Nightmares were an excuse for him to be next to you. Nightmares were his excuse to hold you tight to his chest. The pain of loss was a collective "excuse" between the two of you to just .. be close.

Soon though, this ideal predicament between you both started to crack. Because even though she was dead, you still knew you would always be inferior. It may be all in your head but the hate kept you driven. It kept you driven but also mad. Small things would set you off soon enough. You knew deep down whenever he'd look into your eyes, it was a nice reminder of Jean. Even with how much he denied it when you came to him in tears, your bitter pain and grief clouded your judgment.

Logan saw that even with his help you were still hurting. He didn't want to get involved in it entirely as some of it was your own demon. But he saw how bad your spiraling was and still wouldn't accept his help. Not even from Ororo or Scott, not even the professor. Neither of you would admit who started the argument. It was late, and you were tired from pushing yourself to grade papers. Logan couldn't sleep and wandered his way to your classroom of course. The conversation was fine until he mentioned the problem. Your problem which you didn't want to deal with right now. As you were only running on a few hours of sleep. But even with Logan's usual "take and give no fucks" attitude, he knew he needed to push. You were slowly shutting yourself off this time, and he didn't expect himself to be a part of that mix. It was all a misunderstanding, but the two of you were angry and fire was thrown.

Your shared feelings were complicated. This whole ordeal with him brought out the "worst parts" of your love for him. He too was dealing with his internal dilemma. How could he move on from Jean and you were still latched onto the idea of her? It was a stupid question that was brought up in a Logan way, which of course caused the spat to escalate. His poor mistake was what he shouted. Already with the fear of waking one or even all of the students, you hated what he even dared to utter. "We're friends, you need to calm down about this whole obsession thing bub!" Originally you were thinking of just heading to bed. You were too tired to continue on with this constant bickering. But that's when you exploded on him. You regretted every last word you said to his face. Because it was you speaking your honest truth. About what you felt for him, about your hurt and your pain. How Jean was practically your lifeline. Losing her was like losing a piece of yourself. Especially since you rubbed it in about the kiss he and her shared. That you had seen and that made you sick to your stomach. A couple hours later she was dead. Your heightened emotions make you feel almost dizzy. The more you talked the more you realized his expressions distinct shift. As he was reaching out for you, you immediately swatted his arm askew. He didn't realize he hated to see you cry as much as he did until now. With broken sobs, you ran out of your classroom. The papers once stacked neatly were now laid messily all over your desk. You made sure to keep quiet. What broke your heart even more was a half-awake Rogue you ran into. She looked even more awake seeing your distraught state. Her feet tip-toed against the wooden floors of the hall before she looked at you. A big reason you and Logan were so close too, was because of Rogue. She was a good kid, he always rubbed off on her. He told you everything about how he and Rogue met. You were so enamored hearing him recount even the foggiest of memories. It could even be arguments with Scott he had, you'd just sit there with wide eyes as you listened. His word became your gospel. It warmed you to your core hearing him almost sound like a dad. He had looked out for her from the beginning. You always tried to do the same even when he left for Alklai Lake for answers.

It was so silly when she had practically pushed you and Logan to talk. She was just a kid and you two took up the almost suto role of her protectors. Friend or parent, she too found two trusted people to confide in. So you immediately went into "teacher mode" as soon as she saw you with watery eyes. She looked puzzled when her face met yours. You calmed down her storm of questions as she sputtered on and on. What's wrong? , is something happening? Are you okay? The hug you shared was one of the last meaningful hugs you had with another living being. You practically cradled her in your arms as you helped her calm down. She looked up at you, her larger brown eyes almost like the ones of a puppy. "Please don't be lying to me... y'know ah don't like liars." She whispered softly, her bubbly southern accent quiet. Your heart broke into a couple more pieces as you lied through your teeth. With a content nod, you bidded her a goodnight. Turning back to your room to drown your sorrow in god knows what. It had only been a good couple of months after Jeans' death that a mission arose. The X-men were laying low after everything at the base. For the school's and students' sake. But it was always on time when something bad happened for the team to fix. Old enemies came a-knocking and this time it wasn't Magneto. It was all supposed to be an in-and-out operation. You immediately clamored to get your hands dirty once again. You and Logan hadn't been talking for the last couple of days. Not even meeting in the dead of night to speak to another. You longed to hear about his afternoons subbing with Storm. This was your chance to regain some well-needed level-headedness. The thrill of doing what's right for a better tomorrow always made you feel better The mission even got Scott to come out of his puddle of mourning. Making you feel even better seeing your good friend so triumphant as he quickly clamored for his uniform. You and Logan didn't even brush shoulders as Storm and Scott dashed off to prepare the jet for takeoff. Everything should have gone fine. You should have all made it out alive. Every single one of you, that's what you had planned. Your lapse in judgment will always be your curse. Because now here you were, in the lap of the man that made your stomach churn. That made you feel LIKE that silly schoolgirl feeling you despised. Snapping back to reality, you realize where you are currently laid. Logan's eyes eased from his previous panicked look of fear as he saw you conscious. You were still bleeding but it seems that with quick medical attention either one of them got it to lessen. Your heart raced as you felt the warmness of his hands as they pressed against your cheeks. "Come on, there you go. Just focus on me." He cooed to your heaving chest. In the far back of the jet, you couldn't see Ororo or Scott. What you could see though was the remnants of blood on Logan's suit. He must have carried you off of the rubble and into the X-jet. Your smile was nothing compared to the horrid wince that left you. Finally, after this long moment of ease, the pain set in.

Going down to hold your gut, you shuddered as your vision all of a sudden wavered. You took in a sharp breath as finally, you noticed how in bad shape you were. Red filled your palm as you shuddered. Thankfully Logan noticed you and your shaky breath and immediately gripped your hand. Even in this state, you were currently in, you would always be able to focus on him. "I know, I know it's scary. You got hit pretty bad, but it's okay. Just focus on me and you'll be okay? I have you." He encouraged softly with that comforting rasp in his throat. His eyes were shaken and his lip was firm. Though his mood lightened somewhat because at least now you were awake.

You tried to speak but you were so weak. That same fatigue stung you as you stumbled over your words. He cradled you in his arms as he kept his eyes only on you. Your weary mind still around belittling you, another one of your eerily humane curses. He saw your chest quicken and lip quiver as your eyes began to lull, you were struggling. "Hey .. don't strain yourself - what is it?" He too began to worry as you saw his vulnerability bloom. Finally your chest steady as you took in one big breath of air. You let out the one thing keeping you from slipping back into rest in one huff. "Don't let me die, asshole." The asshole part came out more garbled from you after you coughed out your last words. Your last words before your eyes fell closed. For some reason, your hearing stayed for just a while longer. In and out, you could hear him cursing under his breath. The last thing you hear is Logan's panicked shouting at Scott, "Can this hunk of metal go any faster?!"

Finally, after so much pain, there was quiet. Peace and quiet after your constant heartache. You felt freed from the chains of reality. From birth to now, now seemed like your death. You left your current reality with a bitter-sweet smile as you felt consciousness swarm over you.

You couldn't feel how long you were out. Oh, but Logan could. Six weeks you lay in the infirmary. With some sort of miracle and hope, Ororo was barely able to stabilize you. The team rushed back into the mansion in panic as your wounds were assessed. But no, you couldn't feel the panic that coursed through your loved ones as you lay so peacefully. You didn't know your heart rate was being tracked. You were stable but anyone could guess it'd take you a while to re-reach consciousness. That your accident broke the barely well Scott Summers. But most of all it affected Logan to the core. He felt his world shake under him as he finally realized what had just happened. Something snapped in a man so stuck in his ways. Those words you said to him before you went back down. They were short but in the moment meant so much. Not to mention the fact that even Logan, so careless and free, was guilty. Every time he came back just to see you, he wanted to curl over and into you. Just like how he mourned Jean, he mourned you. Though .. he couldn't because you were technically still here. He may have not noticed it but everyone else could. The lack of your presence hindered him the worst. He missed the way you'd bother him out of the blue during the quiet time around the school. He missed you telling him about your life. He missed the shitty snort you did when you laughed too hard at one of his bad jokes. He missed seeing you happy. He missed seeing you move around. Pestering students for turning in assignments late or cheating. He missed the feel of your lips against his forehead when his nightmares of Jean flared up. He missed the way you looked at him. The way you saw him not only as a man but as himself. He didn't know how to admit it but he.. missed you. He missed you so bad and it was eating away at him. He spent hours out of his day visiting you. Like what you two always did when you were alone, he talked. About his day, what he ate, and even the lessons he overheard. The school got even quieter with you gone and he hated it. He felt bitter and broken, he didn't want to feel like that. He especially missed the way he felt with you. Almost like being on cloud nine. He finally understood the pain you felt when Jean died. This time on a more intimate level than he'd like to admit. He felt like the moon was ripped away from him after the sun. Now he was just the lonely tide, washing away against the shore until you returned. Ororo did all she could to help. All she could do was maintain your physical well-being as your body healed with rest. Logan hated the wait. The time you spent not walking around the halls of the school was maybe one of the worst times in his life. Since it hit him so deep on a real level. In this array of pain and even more guilt, he felt something dawn on him as you were still comatose. He was in love with you, Logan was in love with you. He felt like an idiot but the realization would always stay true. No matter how stupid he felt. As much as he wanted to deny it, he knew. In the middle of his thought process, he heard the swift slide open of the infirmary doors.

Right now he was standing over you. The one thing that kept his spirits high about your recovery was the gentle rise and lower of your chest. He didn't have to look behind him to know it was Storm. She too had taken her time checking in on your unconscious form. He sighed as she walked up right beside him. She gently cupped the examination table where your body would lay. She looked down at her hands with a bitter-sweet smile on her lips. She looked over to Logan, who was at a pause with himself. She decided to finally break the long silence. "You know they'll be fine, right?" She hummed as she glanced up to look over you. He chuckled softly as his brow pinched. His chuckle came out more like a rugged scoff. "I know, this just feels weird." He sucked in a breath of stale air. "It was funny the first night you arrived at the mansion.." Storm drew up a memory of that fateful night. "As soon as I and Scott brought you in, they immediately volunteered to help Jean down here with your examination. They were always enamored with your set of abilities. You were one of a kind to them especially, I suppose." Now his hands gripped into the sides of the examination table. He looked down, in pity of you and himself. How could he be so blind? Storm butted in once more as she noticed his demeanor shift. "All I'm saying is, they'd be happy to know how much you worried." He nodded in response, reminiscing when things were good. From your first encounter to now, his heart warmed. "I'd do it for anyone else." He gritted out as he bit back a smile. The truth was he was still in agony about Jean's loss. It felt wrong to love you as he had longed for her after all of this time. But you felt like a whole different story. He didn't have to sit in agony knowing that no matter what his love would always be with another. You always gave him the time and day, hell even down to the minute to just be honest. He needed you at his side no matter what you were to him. Maybe you were more than a friend, maybe he was crazy about you, but you understood him. In a way maybe Jean never had. Ororo knew he needed more time so she complied with the awkwardness in the air. "I'll give you some more time. Rest easy Logan, they'd want that." She insisted before making her way out of the infirmary. He immediately looked down back at you, before looking back at the monitor tracking your heart. He sighed, biting into his lip. He stuttered the only thing that had been keeping him sane since he last felt your eyes open. "Don't fail me now dimples... I need you." He gritted as his teeth were practically ground into his gums. It has become a regular part of his routine now. Once the students were back in their dorms for the night, down to the infirmary he goes. He could never be tired of seeing you at rest. Seeing you okay and not in pain. He just wished he could hear you speak. He hoped that you could hear his pleas for you to wake.

As much as he longed for you he just bided his time. Like the fool he was, like the idiot he felt like when you made him so weak. You made him feel the most human he ever could feel.

That day was supposed to be a normal day. Classes had been more and more brief. After the loss of Jean and you being "put out." But he did not expect to see what he did next. Going into the elevator to head downstairs, to of course see you as always. He was ready to talk about what you missed away and so on. His chest tightened once he saw what was right in front of him. It was you, you were walking? You were awake and on your own two feet. Your midsection was still bandaged but at least you were standing up straight. But then it finally clicked. Wait, you shouldn't even be walking around right now?!

He immediately ran to steady you once your expression went more absent. "Welcome back to the land of the living." He roughly inquired with a small, pleased grin. "I feel like shit, so don't start with me Wolvie." You gritted out with that smile that made him too feel all good on the inside. Quickly, his arms calmly wrapped around you. He longed for your embrace for too long. It wasn't like you were fighting him when he enacted this. You wrapped your arms around him too. He made sure not to squeeze too tight with your bandages and all. A gentleman must stay mindful, he could recall you poking at him as he had a beer bottle half hidden in his jacket.

Your head gently rested in the crook of his neck. That quiet he hated so much before when seeing you in the infirmary was warmer now. He liked the peace and quiet between the two of you when you were there WITH him. After some minutes passed, you met him back face to face. You eyes lingered as you watched the way he swallowed in with composure. You had longed for him to see you. Finally, all the puzzle pieces were clicking, and with your luck all at once. You knew before this would have never happened. It felt wrong and almost hurtful for you to be doing this. But go big or go home I guess. It was you who initiated it, and he gratefully complied. Still keeping you steady, once your lips met his hand immediately went to cup your cheek. In the bliss shared, all of a sudden it felt right. The tender embrace of your lips with his felt good. It was hungry and it was liberating. You could feel his heart beating out of his chest as quick gasps for air were taken. "I'm sorry." He uttered out, forehead against yours. "I know." You said with a sanguine look in your eye. "I love you." He uttered again at a rapid pace. "I know." You purred, your eyes looking back into his hazy ones. Things would always be complicated between the both of you. But deep down you had hope. Maybe not now, someday things could just be normal between you and The Wolverine. That's all you wanted and that's all you dreamed of. Yours and his timing by all means was horrible. So it wasn't surprising this delightful moment got interrupted by Scott of all people. You and Logan looked back, hands immediately darting off of one another. Time to address THAT later.

Scott's mouth fell agape as he began to regret coming down here in the first place. He readjusted his glasses with a small scowl. "Well hello to you too, and Logan." He turned his head to give him that same look. "Wanted to check on you but clearly -" He made sure to put a specific emphasis on 'clearly.' "That job has been overtaken by him.. I'll get Ororo." Before either you or Logan could interrupt him, Scott was already pressing buttons up to the main floor. Now that it was just the two of you bubbling laughs were shared. You felt finally okay. You felt like yourself after those months of nothing but remembrance. You and The Wolverine wormed back into conversation as you could finally talk BACK to him. Another thing you wouldn't ever admit was that yes, you did hear him. His gentle words would always be your favorite secret. After that display of affection though, your and Logan's bond never stayed just a little secret after that. Even after all the trial and error, and the more soon to come, you finally had another moment. Another moment that you could look at when you are older and with more grays on your head. Logan Howlett was yours, no matter how much the universe wanted to throw you around a loop. You'd always have him by your side, till the end of time. Nothing would stop you from cherishing this connection. Not even the burning phoenix crackling over the horizon. You and Logan against time baby.

ꔫ✉ reblogs/interaction is appreciated <3

[keepingsecretstokeepyoutk]

This is going to be very long and sound a little crazy at first, and maybe a little mean but please hear me out…

I’m convinced that Taylor sometimes purposefully includes one line or multiple lines of poorly written or clunky lyrics in specific songs to make a point.

We all have seen some version of this with bearding songs like London Boy, a simple bop whose lyrics were immediately detected as sounding disingenuous, even with the general population (the locations she was signing about were the most touristy and too far away from each other to visit on the same day, etc, basically implying that she doesn’t actually have a long term local bf there that she spends a bunch of time with exploring the city with, etc).

But just like everything else on the album, I think she’s doing maybe a more in your face version of that. No holds barred.

So High School is an obvious example of this, with all of the early 2000’s hs imagery, she seems pretty blatantly to be mocking the idea the public has of her “living out every American girl’s high school fantasy” of dating the tall popular football player. With lyrics like “touch me while your friends play grand theft auto” (barf), etc, shes being clear enough that this is not a serious song.

This is the possibly controversial part, but I’m so curious to see what others think about this - I think another iteration of this on this album is the title track, The Tortured Poets Department. Hear me out.

(First, I want to reassure you that there are lines in this song that I really like and think are well written, like: “you’re in self-sabotage mode/throwing spikes down on the road” and “but you awaken with dread/pounding nails in your head/but I’ve read this one/where you come undone/I chose this cyclone with you”. And I fully agree with the idea that these sentiments are from Karlie’s perspective. Basically, when you take out the chunks I’m about to talk about this song makes way more sense and has a beautiful sentiment of undying love behind it - which makes the following parts stick out that much more!)

The first time I listened through the album, and this was the second song, I got terrified because I didn’t understand its place in the whole narrative and when I heard the first clunky line “scratch your head like a tattooed golden retriever” I got the ick. Then the bridge with no structure and no wit and no clever turns of phrase, no metaphor, just “you put my ring on the finger people put wedding rings on” and “that was the closest I’ve ever been to my heart exploding”. So over simplified and cheesy, and doesn’t sound anything like her writing, especially the caliber of her recent lyrics

I know art is largely subjective, but I insist there is no way that the same person who wrote Cowboy Like Me wrote these lines into her title track if she didn’t have a reason and a point to make. To make it clear that this isn’t a matter of genre personal taste, because I know CLM is a very specific sound and a style that music snobs often take more seriously - I love SO many of her candy pop bangers, they are infinitely more clever, articulate, and overall works of art by a true wordsmith than this. Karma, The Very First Night, etc are all a master classes in clever words and tight writing being tucked into an “unserious” pop song.

The lyrics I cited above to me sound like what haters believe her writing sounds like, even fans who make little jokey TikTok’s about her and make up a spoofy something to sing while in character - that’s what these lyrics sound like.

Im worried im being too harsh, but please stay with me because the more I think about the more genius I think it actually is.

In the context of the themes of rest of the album, (her being trapped, miserable, manipulated, ready to burn it all down, screaming to be seen) this theory became clear to me. I think she’s leaning into her public persona (in more ways than one, we’ve already seen it with the stunting), in a way setting a “trap” for her fans and the public, that will essentially call them all out on how they ignored the real her in favor of her pr narrative, making the album about paternity tests, etc, all of which I’m guessing will become very clear in retrospect, possibly after she comes out? (Of course it’s already clear to us now, which is another purpose of the beard songs including clunky writing - to signal to us that these are not serious and that she knows that we know that she knows (like Phoebe on friends lol))

Ultimately, this is (along with So Highschool) a classic beard song. When she writes in this voice, she embodies the most extreme versions of her public persona, not just the one she has cultivated on purpose, but also the one that people have of her that don’t know her (as she did in Blank Space), including those that don’t take her seriously - because her identity as a boy crazy psycho ex girlfriend is directly tied to people dismissing her art as vapid because, they’ve only ever heard her singles, they don’t know the full her.

That voice is the straightest, the most boy crazy, the most one note, and sometimes the most unsophisticated writer version of her that people have in their minds, including her fans - the fans that refuse to see her as a whole person, the real, that believe she is head over heals for big football boy, that believe “he knows how to ball, I know Aristotle” is a romantic line about how opposites attract, the fans that say they don’t “get” some of her most beautiful and well-written songs, the fans that don’t see her and haven’t been seeing her.

They didn’t see giant Taylor on the eras tour, they refuse to see all of her queer signaling, etc, and I think she’s making the bearding songs obvious to underscore the difference between her Taylor(TM) and Taylor(person) personas.

She knows that despite the fact that the lyrics don’t even come close to measuring up to the rest of the album, the public, and many of her fans, will make this song one of the most listened to simply because they are looking for evidence of her relationships from the past year. We’ve all commented on how insane it is that this layered, complex, devastating album is being reduced to the usual paternity tests. This is currently one of the top songs precisely because it is “about Matty”. And of course, So High School is one of the tops songs along with it because it’s “about Travis”.

The juxtaposition of the bearding songs alongside her beautifully written poetry of Prophecy, Peter, Whose Afraid of Little Old Me, Cassandra, How did it end, The Albatross, etc mirrors the juxtaposition of her two selves during the Midnights era.

She has proven the point that if they think she wrote every line of this song completely in earnest, then they see her largely no differently than her haters do, as a subpar writer who writes absurdly cheesy love songs praising trashy to mediocre, problematic men. By eating it up they tell her that’s what she’s good for, for being the subject of tabloids and warring fans who make this entire album about two (purposefully) mediocre songs and the men who “inspired” them.

She has proven her point - that a subset of her fans will be distracted by a lesser song simply because they think it’s about one of the greasy men that’s she been seen holding hands with. That they will ignore once again all of her pleas to be seen, that she’s in pain and caged, and has been driven insane by their willful ignorance. That they don’t appreciate her full potential and talent, that they don’t even see it, and just want to be confirmed in their ideation of her.

This song is essentially the “forget him(her)” pill at the beginning of the fortnight mv, but it’s a sedative for the fans, who are addicted to her straight narrative. Similar to Willow’s 13 chants of “that’s my man” that started off evermore, casting a spell of heteronormativity over everyone who wanted it, so that they could choose to just completely ignore the following 14 gayest songs ever written. Don’t pay no mind to her singing directly about women with zero male perspective - she said “that’s my man!” We’re good! She’s still straight!

Taylor in the fortnight mv had to a take a sedative to be able to go into the next room and write her bearding songs - ie she self medicates to deal with keeping up the straight persona and to get through having to release dumbed down songs to feed the masses. (I also see the pill as something forced on her, I think it represents both layers)

From the first time I watched the music video I thought the writing Taylor looked so miserable and the bearding songs are why.

In this room she’s trapped, churning out the songs that her fans expect of her, the songs that make her team money, the songs that make her money, but that she has to compromise her truth to create.

But when she frees herself she’ll burn the stories that weren’t true, the filler that doesn’t represent her.

I’m curious to hear other’s thoughts on this - have you ever felt like Taylor purposefully inserts off-sounding lyrics that are written in a different voice to make a point?

I want to reiterate that it’s not the entirety of either song that I think is terrible, I genuinely love bopping along to both So High School and TTPD (track). Like I said above, when you remove the clunky lines from ttpd (track), the song has another layer and likely gives voice to some Karlie insight that is beautiful and tragically profound. It’s the red herrings, the pieces specifically meant to tie this song to a bearding narrative, that I’m dissing, and the only reason they are suspicious in the first place is because I know how gifted Taylor is with the written word.

Taylor is such a skilled writer that she can embody the voice of the bad writer that dismissive ignorant idiots believe her to be, just to make a point!

I even wonder if maybe there is a second version of this song locked away in one of those drawers in the fortnight writing room that leaves out the red herrings and is a thousand times better than the bearding version we got.

I hope one day we get to hear it.

[reiniesainyo]

IN BETWEEN. charlie bushnell x reader – 05

05 | LOGICAL previous | next | masterfile

SYNPOSIS. when a girl's co-star is good to her and now she wants it more than everything in between. (smau)

A/N. not feeling too well but... here's the episode

HOST "What's up, everyone! Welcome back to the Fangirlpedia Podcast, where we fangirls get to live out our dreams and fill out a Wikipedia for all the fangirls out there!"

HOST "I've been a fan of PJO since i was a kid, I was 15 when the first books came out and now, my daughter, who's 12 gets to watch the TV show. So it really is a dream come true and such a pleasure to be here today with the cast of Disney+'s Percy Jackson and the Olympians!"

HOST "With that, I think it's the proper time to introduce our dear guests for today."

WALKER "I'm Walker Scobell, I play Percy Jackson."

LEAH "I'm Leah Sava Jeffries and I play Annabeth Chase."

CHARLIE "I'm Charlie Bushnell and I'm the actor for Luke Castellan."

YN "And I'm YN LN and I'm the actress for Rina Velasco."

HOST "What song would you associate with your character?"

YN "For me, I Bet on Losing Dogs by Mitski"

YN "Rina is a very calculated character, she's not like Annabeth in the sense that it's just logic and facts. I think she's calculated in the fact that she's a very thoughtful person, and so I think it's interesting that her fatal flaw would be her faith and her trust— which, from face value completely contrasts her as a character. Like why does this person who thinks everything through have such childlike trust? Well, she is a child."

YN "The reason I chose this really lies in Luke, her first love, and the fact that her oblivious trust is most blatant in her relationship with him. Luke is the losing dog that all her logic tells her is losing but she still bets on him every time. He proves to her time and time again that he's put himself on this path and yet she foolishly believes every time that he can come back. I think in a way, she's aware of the fact that it's a foolish endeavor and yet pursues it anyway because she still believes there's some goodness in Luke despite him proving to her otherwise."

HOST "If YN's song for Rina is I Bet on Losing Dogs by Mitski, what would your song be, Charlie?"

CHARLIE "I think I've mentioned somewhere else that the song I used to really like use as my go-to was Swan Lake, Op. 20, Act 2? Yeah I think that's the right title. It really got me in the mood. But there's a different song that I think represents Luke."

HOST "Oh and what would that song be?"

CHARLIE "Probably.... Silver Springs yeah Silver Springs - Fleetwood Mac. It's a popular song with editors. But like, I see Luke in it because it's kind of like... that's his relationship with all the people he loves. 'Time casts it spell on you, but you won't forget me. I know I could've loved you, but you would not let me.' Those lyrics for me are really what Luke's relationship with people are like, especially post-betrayal. I think the people he love stays on his mind constantly."

CHARLIE "There's this one line 'You'll never get away from the sound of a woman that loves you'. And I think every woman in his life is the same, Annabeth, his mom, Tahlia, and Rina especially. They all love him in their own way and the fact that like you know, they love him will haunt him with every decision he makes."

HOST "Even before filming, what were the vibes from everyone?"

CHARLIE "A lot of people assume that the hardest thing is filming- which is hard but like the stuff that happens before like table reads and chemistry tests were so nerve-wracking too."

YN "You'll hear from Leah and Walker that the chemistry read was so happy and fun— Leah just got to flirt with Walker for like an hour. Good for the younger kids, meanwhile me and Charlie were out here sobbing and fighting."

WALKER "Huh? What?!"

LEAH "You never told us this."

CHARLIE "Really? We didn't"

YN "Well, for Charlie and I's chemistry read, yeah it started off with playful banter then not even two scenes later, I was arguing with Luke in a forest about him stealing the master bolt."

CHARLIE "I mean I was like begging her to stay and everything— Did I get on my knees? I remember getting on my knees."

YN "Oh my gosh yeah... he got on his knees while begging to Rina it was crazy. The chemistry they wanted from us was ... definitely passionate. It was a very specific type of chemistry."

CHARLIE "Didn't they have us— Oh spoilers if you haven't seen the last book, anyways Luke dies and they were like 'So I want you to pretend like you're dying and now you see him and you're mourning his death'"

YN "Yeah and it was like 'I'm not sure if I'll make it to Elesium...' 'I don't think anyone else would be more worthy.' and then bro just straight up died!"

WALKER "WHAT TYPE OF CHEMISTRY READ IS THIS???"

CHARLIE "Deadly chemistry. I think one of us started crying."

YN "We were giving... Shakespeare."

HOST "What were your guys' reaction after getting the role? I think most have heard about the rest of you guys but YN's casting has been a matter of secret for a little bit."

YN "Oh my god I was elated, I was finally employed!"

CHARLIE "Biggest TV show of the year and your reaction is 'I'm employed'?"

YN "Hey don't judge! I love PJO and I love the series so so so much but honestly, after doing Miss Saigon's revival and then going into first year of college in NYU I was kind of panicking because 1) I wanted to do something and 2) I had no idea what to do. Like I knew I wanted to act but I wanted to try something different and honestly, I haven't gotten any good callbacks in a long time. So I mean when I sent it in, I didn't think anything would happen but it did and I was like 'Oh my god, I'm employed, I can earn money'."

CHARLIE "A bit weird but wouldn't have it any other way."

YN "You know, Charlie, next time you can just say something nice."

CHARLIE "Then our rela- friendship wouldn't be as fun."

CHARLIE "YN at first was pretty secretive about her background so every thing she revealed herself was like a new lore drop."

YN "Lore drop???"

WALKER "Every few days on set, we'd be talking and one day you'd just drop 'Oh when I was in highschool, I was in the national debate championships and in the finals–' and you talked like it was so normal but then all of us just found out you did competitive debate."

YN "It wasn't that big of a deal–"

LEAH "You told us you won the championships?"

YN "I won best speaker but I technically-"

CHARLIE "Don't even bother."

[skzdust]

Happy Father's Day, or:

7 times Chan took care of SKZ and 1 time they took care of him

This fic was a request from @bangchans-peach! I wrote it super fast but I loved the idea and I thought it would be a perfect little fic since it's Father's Day! I hope you enjoy it and I hope you all have had lovely Father's Days, whatever that looks like for you <3

Summary: Pretty much exactly the title :)

Pairing: None, platonic skz

Includes: Fatherly(ish) Chan and tooth-rotting fluff!

Word Count: 900

Taglist: @weirdowithaphone, @caught-in-the-afterglow, @palindrome969, @skzstan12345

Reblogs, likes, comments all appreciated!!! Thank you!!!

Masterlist

----

One:

Jisung lays in bed, messing with his hands and trying to keep his mind on anything but the performance they have coming up. His phone dings with Chan’s tone.

Hey, everything alright? If you need to talk I’m here!

He hums in confusion.

What?

Chan responds in matter of seconds.

Was just listening through a couple of your demos and some of the lyrics were kinda intense, thought I’d check in

Yeah, if you have a minute, I would actually really like to talk

He smiles softly as a notification for Chan’s incoming call pops up on screen. The other members are there for him, too, but Chan can always tell when something’s up.

Two:

“No.” Hyunjin groans, resting his head on the table. “It’s bad.”

“It is not bad, Hyunjin.” Chan pauses the track. “I do think it needs some work, but I don’t think it’s bad.”

“There’s a reason I’m not a part of 3Racha, I’m not good at writing.” Hyunjin forces a laugh for his non-joke.

“That’s not true. Look at me.”

Hyunjin tilts his head sideways. Chan’s horizontal face looks reassuring.

“We’re gonna get this song, alright? We’ll kill it. We always do.”

“Mhm.”

Chan can tell it’s not helping. “Wanna take a break? I’ll get us ice cream.”

Hyunjin perks up. “Ice cream?”

Three:

“Go away.” Minho mumbles into his pillow.

The knock at his door gets louder.

“Go away!”

“I’m coming in.” He can hear the door opening, and feels the mattress dip under the weight of someone sitting by his feet.

He peeks out to see who it is.

Chan is looking at him.

“Was it something with that girl?”

Minho buries his face. “No.”

Chan sighs. “For some strange reason, I don’t believe you.”

“Believe me.”

“C’mon, Minho. Don’t be obstinate.”

Minho loosens his grip on his pillow. “You won’t make fun of me, will you?”

“Only if you deserve it.” He teases.

Minho groans, pushing his head down.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. What’s wrong?”

Four:

Seungmin places his chin on Bang Chan’s shoulder. “Channie, can we do something interesting?”

“We’re learning choreography.” Chan shrugs him off. “That’s interesting!”

“No, it’s not.”

“Shh, Minho might kill you.” He looks at Minho, who’s fixing Jisung’s pose for what might be the thousandth time, judging from the slightly murderous look on his face.

“I wanna do something else.”

Chan somehow always knows just what he means. “You want to play baseball.”

Seungmin nods. “I want to play baseball.”

Chan looks across the room to where Jeongin and Changbin are against the wall, looking entirely too bored, and Seungmin can see the cogs turning in his head. “I think we can recruit a team.”

Five:

“Old man?” Chan raises an eyebrow. “Oh, yes, of course, old man Bang Chan, on his deathbed.”

“Yeah.” Changbin laughs. “Ancient, decrepit Chan.”

“I may be an old man, but I’m your old man.” Chan points to each of them in turn. “And I say video game rights revoked.”

Everyone groans, and Jisung dissolves into giggles.

“But tonight is Mario Kart night!” Changbin whines.

“Nope, you’re the reason I’ve made this rule in the first place, my son.” Chan claps him on the shoulder. “Your brothers only have you to thank.”

“Uh oh, I’d better find a police station, I think I have six assassins on my tail now.”

Six:

“Chaaaaan!” Jeongin slides into the kitchen in sock feet, where Chan is cutting vegetables.

“What?” Chan glances over his shoulder.

“Felix beat me at Mario Kart and now he says he gets to sing my solo at the awards show next week.”

Felix runs into the room, skidding to a stop beside Jeongin. “I won! I do!”

“And you’re coming to me with this… why?” Chan finishes chopping a carrot, scraping it off the cutting board into a pot.

“Because you’re good at talking Felix into sense!”

“Felix… you know you can’t sing the solo.”

“I can!” Felix clears his throat, getting out only the first note of the part before Jeongin elbows him in the stomach and he doubles over with an “oof!”

Chan ignores this. “Besides, you know the publicists would get mad.”

“They would.” Felix grumbles as Jeongin cackles.

Seven:

“Felix!”

Felix turns around, pulling out an earbud. “Hm?”

Chan holds up his phone. “Here, I have a song I need you to listen to. It’s by this American group, The Flaming Lips.”

Felix queues it up. “Okay, this is cool.”

“I thought you might like it. It seemed like a sound you’d like.” Chan returns his phone to his pocket. “And they have more music too, but that one stuck out to me.”

Felix smiles. “I’ll check ‘em out!”

Plus one time they took care of him:

“Can I open my eyes?” Chan asks, holding his arms in front of him like Frankenstein’s creature, feeling around for anything in front of him.

Felix removes the blindfold. “Now.”

Chan opens his eyes as everyone shouts, “Happy Father’s Day!” The dining room has been transformed with streamers, balloons, and a handmade banner, and a cake on the table reads “For Our Old Man Chan!” in messy icing.

It’s all Chan can do to keep from tearing up. “You guys shouldn’t’ve!”

“It’s really the least we can do!” Jeongin smiles from behind the cake. “You’re so good to us, Chan, we’re very lucky to have you!”

Chan smiles, a big, real smile. “I’m the lucky one.”

[mrskreideprinz]

| I Wanna Make My Murder Look Like A Suicide | 

Pairing: Diluc x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Dark content, Yandere, Yan!Diluc, Fem!Reader, Reader wears a dress, Diluc is your husband, Abuse, Manipulation, Reader is disabled, Reader uses a cane, Reader is referred to as Diluc’s ‘Wife’, Mentions of past forced feeding, Arranged Marriage, It is implied that reader’s family was abusive, Scratching (Reader), Diluc is very cruel in this, Kaeya appears towards the end, Dissociation, Reader has a mental breakdown, Stockholm Syndrome (? I’m unsure about this one ?), 4.6k Words. 

A/n: Reupload because I deleted this foasijfasodi but yeah idk I really just think yandere!Diluc is neat. Also, the title are lyrics from the song Cotard’s Solution by Will Wood and The Tapeworms.

Summary: When your family arranges a marriage with the wealthy owner of Dawn Winery, you jump at the first chance you can to escape your cruel family, but what new hell awaits you on the other side?

“Where do you think you’re going?” He asked in a cold tone. 

It threw you off for a moment but only briefly, because if there’s one thing you could promise yourself it’s that your husband, Diluc, would never harm you. But somehow you couldn’t help but clutch onto the fabric of your dress, the same one he gave you on your first wedding anniversary, hands shaking for some unknown reason.

“I was just going for a walk. Would you like to j-” He cut you off mid sentence, snapping at you in response.

“No, I don’t want to go anywhere and neither should you. It’s”— He checked his pocket watch before quickly tucking it back into his pocket— “Three in the morning and both of us should be heading to bed.” 

“But-” Before you could get another word in he’d grabbed your wrist and pulled you forward.

That was your cue that it was indeed time to end the night, in bed… with your husband. Your beloved husband who would never steer you astray. So, then why did you have this feeling in the pit of your stomach that something was terribly and unmistakably wrong? 

Soon the sun rose and pierced through the window of your bedroom, waking you up with its warm rays and urging you to get ready for the day. You didn’t have anywhere to go or anything to do exactly—to be fair you never did—but that never stopped you from looking your very best. So, you quickly put on a decent looking outfit, brushed your hair, and grabbed your cane. And just as you were about to descend down the stairs you saw the flower embroidered basket out of the corner of your eye. It always tempted you, or maybe taunted is the more appropriate word, and you decided against fighting your desires and instead hooked it over your free arm. 

You checked both ways before tip-toeing downstairs, hoping your walk was closer than it was last night. Closer and closer you came to the front door, you knew it was silly but you really wanted to take a walk and you couldn’t understand your husband’s rejections towards it. Your hand was on the bronze knob and you were just about to turn it when a hand placed itself on your shoulder. You jumped and looked to see who it was and to your surprise and relief, it was Adelinde. It made getting caught a little less scary and a lot more tedious, because you knew there was nothing you could do to keep her watchful eyes off of you. 

She smiled fondly, too fondly, and finally spoke. “You’re supposed to be resting. Come on, let’s get you some breakfast. Master Diluc is expecting you.” She led you into the dining area.

Pulling back an open seat, Adelinde helped you into your seat, pushing your chair closer to the table while the both of you waited for Diluc to arrive. And once he did she did the same for him and walked outside as he dismissed her. Not once did she look back and it made you nervous for reasons you weren’t sure of. The both of you waited in thick silence for the food to arrive, and once it had he took a few bites before he ordered everyone in the house to give you two some privacy.

It was that moment, that moment right then and there that made you question just what exactly your husband would say or do. Maybe an answer to last night’s little event, or something truly dreadful instead. It was the very minute you happened to look at him that he set down his utensils and spoke at last.

“Are you unhappy?” he said casually, as if he hadn’t just questioned the very existence of you in his life. 

You were stunned, but not too much that you couldn’t speak. 

“Of course I am! What kind of question is that?” you replied defensively. 

Your heart began to pound harshly against your chest, and you could feel the sudden drop of your stomach. Clenching the fork in your right hand you tried grounding yourself, controlling your emotions, but the feeling was so strong you started to cry. 

Diluc reached over and gingerly wiped away the stray tear on your cheek. “Please, don’t cry.” You were silent aside from the hurtful whimpers you let out. “I’m not mad.” 

Diluc slowly made his way out of his chair and knelt beside yours in an effort to comfort you, but that did quite the opposite. He gently held onto your left hand and looked at you with softened eyes, except for the fact that they were grey and empty. You tried to stop crying but your tears became uncontrollable, and soon you were sobbing into the crook of your right arm’s elbow. It felt like your world was caving, as if your heart stopped and the air was stripped straight from your lungs. The worst part was how you had no clue what was the real problem, that was until you said that loathsome phrase you always did end up blurting out.

“Are.. Are you leaving me?” you asked timidly.

The fear in your voice was evident but you couldn’t find the strength or courage to pretend otherwise. Sometimes when you blurted it out you hoped he wouldn’t answer, just so that there was no choice for rejection. It was better that way you told yourself, even though he had never rejected you. To be frank, if he hadn’t put that worry in your head in the first place, then you wouldn't have reacted this way. But if there’s one thing you learned from this marriage it was that Diluc would show you only what he wanted you to see. So, to the world he was an honest man, a doting husband, and above all, kind, but that was not the reality you lived. 

Diluc took both of your hands now and gave them a tight grip, looking you deep in your eyes. “I will never leave you. Okay, sweetheart?” 

His words felt less like a promise and more like a threat. You used to have so much more fight in you, but these days you barely had any left. So, you nodded and allowed him to give you a hug before the both of you finished up your breakfast. The remainder of the day was spent watching out the windows of your regal prison, dreaming of the day you could finally feel the sun on your face again. This was the pattern of your every day, from the moment the sun went up and till the very time it fell below the ground; wishing and praying that someday your fate would change. Perhaps that day was closer than you presumed, but you were doubtful. 

The pattern continued for weeks, you had constant flare ups and Diluc would consistently refuse to let you leave the house. Until, one day ,the pain had lessened enough to the point where you didn’t need your cane or wheelchair, and instead could truly stretch your legs for once. It was by no means a permanent thing but you wanted to celebrate this small relief, and with what you might ask? A nice walk through the outside breeze of course. Today was the day you were so sure that Diluc would let you outside, or at the very least walk with you. 

So, you found a comfortable outfit to wear, looked at your aid with a triumphant smile, and carefully descended down the stairs. You were proud to be able to have a day free of your mobility aid, it was liberating, but you knew once you saw Diluc at the bottom of the steps that something was wrong. Something was very wrong, indeed. Slowly you walked down the staircase and once you were face to face with your husband, you could see his face was that of a truly frustrated and fed up man. 

He knows, you thought to yourself. 

“You’re late,” he said in a cold tone as he pulled out a chair at the table for you, and helped you into your seat. 

You kept your sights on your food as much as you could, because you knew damn well that Diluc could sniff out your true feelings with ease. Making sure to hold eye contact with Diluc as much as you could stomach, you took deep breaths as you readied yourself to ask the question you’d been dying to ask. This all depended on how healthy you appeared, if he caught even a whiff of pain or weakness it was all over for you. 

“Sorry,” you said weakly. 

Already your heart was banging hard in your ear drums, causing chaos before the eruption had occurred. You both waited patiently, and you, silently, for the remainder of the food to be served to you. Once you had been served the usual meal you were given, you stared at it for a good moment while Master Diluc began digging in almost immediately. Maybe he was in a better mood today, you thought to yourself. Maybe, or maybe not. He soon noticed you hadn’t touched your food and ushered for you to eat. 

“Eat,” he demanded, a hint of urgency lingering in his voice, but the overall tone was still harsh. 

It was when your teary eyes were long focused on the meal with no urgency to touch it that he raised his brow in suspicion and watched you with an angered expression. It was one thing to try to run away from his hot and cold exterior, but it was another to avoid his good deeds entirely. He set down his utensils with a loud clank and looked straight forward at you, trying his best to contain his rage. 

“I said, eat.” He demanded through grit teeth. 

This was the side of him that many– no, everyone missed completely. Those close to him didn’t see how cruel and unforgiving he was behind closed doors. They didn’t know that if all your food was not eaten how Diluc would sit there to make sure you ate even just a little more than you could stomach, against your begging wishes, of course. No one, and I mean no one except those that resided in the home, knew about his harsh tendencies. And that meant that not a single soul knew just how horribly he treated his sweet angel of a wife, but maybe it was better that way. After all, if someone like you was stupid enough to stay then maybe you really did deserve all the torture he’d constantly put you through. And you’d think that after his hardened voice demanding you to eat that your fear would kick in and force you to shovel down your food, but you’d be wrong. 

“Is there something wrong with the food, my dear?” He asked through grit teeth, again. 

You shook your head and tears fell into your food. 

Diluc stood up from his seat and stared you down. “Then what is wrong?”

You said nothing. Instead, you continued to cry into your food as Diluc stared down at you like a troublesome child. You just couldn’t stop, no matter how hard Diluc told you to calm down, relax, or ease yourself, it was all to no avail. It only furthered your pathetic tears. Diluc wanted to know the truth, just for you to tell him why you refused to eat, but if you told him the truth he’d only become more angry and you weren't sure you could handle that at the moment. You weren’t sure you could handle this life a moment longer, but unfortunately you didn’t and never had a choice. It was tragic really, but that was life for you. 

It wasn’t that you hadn’t tried to leave him before, trust me, you tried, but it was all to no avail. You could hardly make it downstairs without some help, so what made you think you could escape all on your own unscathed. When your family arranged the marriage you blindly accepted, thinking escaping your heartless family must be a better life than if you were to stay, but boy were you wrong. Diluc was sweet at first, kind and gentle just as he is in the public eye, but it wasn’t till the honeymoon that you realized something was terribly wrong. And by time you realized your mistake it was far too late. 

“I-” You started to speak, but were quickly cut off by your choking tears. 

You tried your best to speak up, say something, anything, but each time you were silenced by gut wrenching cries. The one time you attempted to look up to address the situation you were met with cold, unfeeling eyes and averted your gaze with hiccuping sobs. 

“Ugh, will you just spit it out already?” Diluc groaned in frustration. 

That only furthered your sobs and worsened it. Your hands tangled into your hair and began to scratch at your scalp for relief, but you only ended up with a sore scalp and traces of blood underneath your fingernails. Your tears grew bigger, your cries louder, and all sense of rationale left your body. The atmosphere was foggy and unclear, like looking into a cloudy looking glass for reasoning and coming up with absolutely nothing in return. You swore you heard a voice through the thickness of it all, but even as you were dragged from your seat in the dining room and led back into the privacy of your own room, you held no grasp on reality. It must’ve been hours, maybe days, or so it felt like, before you started to come to. A strong grip held you close to something, something warm, and rocked you comfortingly as small shushes could be heard near your ears. 

It was only moments later that you began to recognize the world around you, and the familiar figure holding you close. Too close. It was none other than Master Diluc. Why he was holding you in such a tender and intimate position, you weren’t sure you knew, but you one thing was for sure, it felt extremely uncomfortable. You writhed in his holding, trying your damnedest to squirm out of his hold, but he was much stronger than you. A pins and needles sensation spread from your hips to the tip of your toes, and you could barely move from your position. Your hands were free aside  from the vice grip Diluc had on your arms, almost crushing them as he held you closely. You felt the need to cry all over again, but suppressed it as hard as you could. Thankfully, your attempts worked and this time you remained strong.

You tried to remain quiet and confident, but your confidence was shattered the moment you heard his sweet yet poisonous voice ring through your ears. “You’re awake.”

Unfortunately

“Y-Yes. What happened?” You asked, trying to put the pieces together. 

Diluc shifted into an upright position and prepared to tell you some of the truth. He couldn’t have you trying to run off, again. Unfortunately, what Master DIluc didn’t know was that your determination far outweighed any punishment he could potentially give to you. After he explained it to you in his own version, you nodded in agreement and expressed your exhaustion. You wanted to go to bed and forget all about this day., even though it felt like it had just begun. Sure, Diluc had his suspicions as to why you so suddenly wanted to sleep after such a conversation, but he brushed it off as his own paranoia. After all, he’d curated a life that he made damn sure you could never run away from. At least, not without some help. 

That night was spent with eyes vigilantly open, wide and observant as you rested your head on the pillow, keeping out for when Diluc would come to bed. If he caught you in bed awake right now he was sure to have a few words, but you’d simply lie and say the pain kept you awake, which wouldn’t exactly be far from the truth, but it wasn’t the truth. You watched out the only window you had in your room, gazing at the open sky full of stars and the full moon and wondered what was taking Diluc so long. What was taking him so long? He should’ve long been in bed by now. So, why was he still hard at work in his study? Regardless of the reasoning you calmed yourself down, trying your best to satiate your impatience, because if you weren’t careful it could very well be the thing that led to your downfall. 

It must’ve been about an hour or so later when you heard the heavy footsteps of your husband head up the stairs and then quietly trail into your shared room. You could vividly hear him discard his clothes and climb into what you guessed were more comfortable ones. He kissed you softly on the forehead, foolishly believing you were asleep, and climbed into bed with you. Feeling his hot breath against your neck sent shivers down your spine, you couldn’t remember the last time you slept without him breathing down your neck, literally. It was awful. Although you were thankful that tonight his vice grip wasn’t holding you in place —making it perfect for your little escape plan— there was still a heavy feeling of discomfort floating throughout the bedroom. 

You were patient, and all that patience of yours finally paid off when you heard the light to heavy snores of Diluc behind you. It was time, time to make your escape. It would be tricky getting out of the bed with him in it, but thankfully Diluc was a heavy sleeper. Slowly and very very carefully you removed the blankets from your body and started to slide down to the edge of the bed. Closer.. Closer.. Closer.. Until finally, your legs hung off the edge of the bed. Diluc shifted in his sleep and let out a loud snore which caused you to jump in your own skin, but looking back you saw he was still fast asleep. Letting out a silent sigh of relief you steadied yourself with both hands as you placed both of your wobbly feet to the ground. Now, the next part would prove one of the most difficult tasks, getting your cane. It currently sat in a cage with other canes and umbrellas you owned (not that you ever actually left the house) and could potentially make a lot of noise if you weren’t careful. 

Cautiously you tiptoed to the cage and took a slow, deep breath before reaching inside and slowly pulled it out. It was a wooden cane so if hit at just the right amount of speed it could make quite enough noise, not as much as it would if it were metal, but it would be just enough to awaken the young master. With extreme caution you began to pull it out, further and further, until it was almost fully out, but in an unfortunate turn of events your hand began to grow weak and numb and you dropped it. Thankfully, you were able to grab it with your other hand before it could wake up Diluc, but not before it banged against the cage in a painfully loud manner. You froze in place, not moving a single muscle until you heard the light snores of Diluc once again. Carefully pulling out the entire cane you then positioned it as you usually would for the day and used it to help you hold your weight upright, as you gradually turned the doorknob and opened the bedroom door. 

Peeking out the door you could so no one and nothing except for the moonlight illuminating the hallway. Now was as good a chance as any to make a run for it, and so you quickly tiptoed down the stairs with the help of your cane to steady you, eagerly walking towards the door the moment your feet touched the first floor. Your hand hovered above the knob as you stopped in shock. Was this it? Were you finally going to leave this miserable and pitiful life to live one full of joy and freedom? It is what you deserved after all, you thought. It’s what you had always wanted and needed. Without wasting a moment sooner you turned the knob and braced yourself for whatever waited for you outside those doors, and stepped outside for the first time in a long time. 

It must’ve been summertime because the heat was thick and the air was muggy. If you had been out on a daily or constant basis you were sure you would’ve hated it, but in that moment you loved nothing more than to feel the heat and thick, muggy air. You never realized how beautiful the Dawn Winery was from the outside until just now. Crystalflies flew through the air and around the grape vines. The moon was full and the stars shone brightly in the nighttime sky. It was beautiful, everything you’d always dreamt of and more. The flowers were even more beautiful than you had remembered and they smelt even better than you could’ve ever dreamt of. Everything was perfect, absolutely perfect. That is until you saw the mansion lit up with lights and realized that he and possibly everyone else was awake. 

You tried to make a run for it as best as you could but you were stopped by a hand on your wrist pulling you backwards and down onto the ground. You fell into a puddle of mudd, soaking your nightgown as you looked up in horror at the man that was supposed to be your husband. His face was cold and full of fury, you’d never seen him look like this before. This wasn’t like those other times when you tried to take walks, because this time you had actually tried to leave him. Leave him all alone with only his wounded pride and broken heart for comfort. He was seething with rage and all you could do in reply was cry, cry like a child that had been caught with their hands in a cookie jar. You didn’t know what exactly prompted you to cry so much, so hard, and so pathetically, but you continued to do so anyway. 

“Come inside, now.” Diluc demanded.

But now that you had a taste of the outside world after such a long time of being deprived of it you wanted more, so you shook your head and rejected his commands. This only further angered Diluc, because he then pulled you up by your forearms and dragged you back inside. You clawed at the door frame trying to stay outside, but he was much stronger than you. He threw you onto the floor and slammed the door shut, proceeding to lock it tightly with a key you’d never seen before. Immediately Diluc started cursing at you, a bright fire in his eyes that consumed his very being began to spread as you realized you had royally fucked up. You couldn’t even focus on a word he was saying because all you could imagine was whatever hell he was about to put you through.

One Week Later…

“Come on, let’s get you all nice and pretty.” Adelinde said, tightening your brand new dress that Diluc had bought you.

It was an apology, a present, but you knew the true nature of the young master, and nothing could fix this marriage, not even your own freedom. You stood there and looked in the mirror as Adelinde fixed your hair with a smile. You too would’ve smiled if it weren’t for the grim reality you faced. Especially on days where Diluc invited over his brother for dinner. Kaeya had no clue of anything that went on in the mansion, not a damn idea, but that didn’t mean he had no suspicions. Kaeya was smart like that, could catch onto things quickly especially being the cavalry captain, and this sort of thing was no different. 

After Adelinde had gotten you all nice and ready the two of you descended down the staircase where you ran into Diluc and his brother, Kaeya. Kaeya looked towards you and smiled, helping you down the rest of the way. Kaeya always was a helpful and kind man like that, constantly helping those in need. Sometimes, just sometimes, you wished he’d help you escape this place, but that was a childish dream. The two of you exchanged pleasantries as you all sat at the dining room table and awaited your food. Everything was going well until the events of a week ago started to come flooding in. You tried your best to hide it but with how brightly the sun started to shine through the windows you couldn’t help but miss the heat and the thick air you once touched. 

“Are you alright?” Kaeya asked, but you playfully brushed off your odd behavior with laughter and a joke, but he was not convinced.

No, Kaeya was not so easily swayed by the same type of joking behavior he too would use to cover his own emotions. So, he watched you the entire dinner all the way till the end. He noticed how flinched against his brother’s touch and noticed how your gaze always seemed to find itself lined up with the open windows. Something was wrong, something was not right about this and he was determined to get to the bottom of it. He would not let you suffer a moment longer, no matter how impossible the mission seemed. Kaeya wanted to tell you this, he wanted to reassure you that he was going to help you escape, but he could never find the right time with Diluc and Adelinde breathing down his neck as he was sure they did the same, and much worse to  you. 

It soon came time to say his goodbyes and as he did he locked eyes with you, saying things with them that he would never dare to say out loud in front of the young master. Even though it was just a dinner, and a revealing one at that, he planned to have many more dinners with Diluc in the future, warm up to you, get closer to you, and hopefully gain your trust enough to help you escape this awful, awful place. That is if he didn’t get killed in the process of it all… 

[xeilon]

Heyyy, do you want to read Party Of Your Lifetime lyric analysis / speculation / vibe check that would make any sensible literature teacher weep (not necessarily for good reasons)? Hi :)

"Party of your lifetime" -> So title, obviously menacing, you WILL die after this. Very cool 10/10.

"We're On-Lyne" -> Not just announcing the bands name but also alluding to the fact that they have the technology based Techrot. Also, infested, hivemind, online, got it? Gotta love it.

Bit of a theory, if the Techrot was a thing before Y2K but Y2K is still a threat, it could be argued that the Techrot would/will become more powerful once the clock hits 0:00, especially if the computers are not turned off. We know how fans are, if your faves name is On-Lyne you will keep your PC on going into the new year, as every true On-Lyne fan should. So their name's also a tactic to make sure they spread as far as they can.

"Step into the night, where all the stars are bright" -> Stars, celebrities aka. On-Lyne, also stars make up the night sky, they are a 'unity' could allude to the infested hivemind, also also, manipulation, "You can become a bright star just like us, you just have to 'step into the night' / become infested."

"We're back again to do this, and we're gonna do it right" -> This song is On-Lynes big return, but also could mean that the infestation is here. Also could mean that the Techrot isn't just 'infestation that started in 1999' but the infestation we know and love from the game, that Albrecht brought back from the future to make proto-frames that is now spreading far and wild in 1999. This would also explain why the Techrot / Coda Technocyte managed to evolve into Liches while our 'basic' infestation couldn't. Because they are the basic infestation that had ages to evolve.

"Something wild's in the air, I just know it" -> Infestation obviously. I'm also gonna say that this line has a double meaning, and is a warning to the listeners.

I think this song, other than being a catchy indoctrination 'hymn' of the infested is also a warning by the original On-Lyne members. Throughout the song the heat as motif pops up multiple times usually followed by / following references to fighting / winning. There are also some lines that makes the song feel like a bit of a tug war between consciousnesses, a fight for control, I believe between the Techrot and the band members, which is actually a pretty common theme in Warframe, see Umbra, all the Warframes, Ordis, Narmer, the Holdfast, even to some extent Drifter in Duviri and Stalker in his recent quest.

"Now we're moving quicker [...] there's no turning back" -> Again, obvious infested reference, the "Once we hit the scene, there's no turning back" being another double meaning warning, that once the concert happens something will change forever. I believe this would be the Techrot taking complete control over On-Lyne.

[Chorus starts]

"Gonna bring that feeling, gonna feel the heat, On-Lyne is in town and we can't be beat" -> This is again the Techrot spreading, little shout out to heat damage that is effective against them except, no.

If my reading of this song being sang by 2 opposing forces is right this is probably one of the coolest lines here. So if this is On-Lynes big return this could also be the first time they're preforming this song live. Now the Infestation and most likely Techrot too, are weak to heat, so it could be that it's influence gets weaker the higher the temperature is. And this will be a concert. Do you see the vision?

"We come alive moving under the neon glow" -> And what a follow up, someones "coming alive" moving (generating body heat) under the neon glow (lamps probably also generating a lot of heat).

"Everybody rock!" -> Again as reminder that this would be a stadium filled to the brim with people. Also a call to make people move, sing, etc. which is also could and probably is a tactic of the Techrot to get people more in sync.

"It's the party of your lifetime" -> Love the title.

"The signal's strong can you feel it in the floor?" -> This line gives me the vibes of both a cover up, like the Techrot moving under the crowds feet and so giving a reason for it, "Yeah that's how loud we are!" but also as a warning again "Can't you feel the floor moving???"

"It's the party of your lifetime"

[Chorus ends]

"Now that you can see there ain't no stopping me, The city's on 11 it's two thousand degrees" -> Again with the heat motif and fighting, this line to me has the double meaning, the infestation can't be stopped, it's 11, almost midnight, and shit is soon hitting the fan, but also could be a call out OF the infestation, "Here we have some control, it's HOT in here, like 2000 degrees"

"Something big is coming, but it's just the beginning (this is just the beginning, just the beginning)" -> This is one of the 2 lines that made me believe this theory, because while this could just be the infested cheekily telling us "Hey hihi shit is gonna happen soon, lol" it's right after the line that can be read as 'going against the infestation' and while this line could be read as a warning, we can't forget about the background vocals. Let's consider the difference between the lines 'It's just the beginning' and 'This is just the beginning' the first can be said by someone who has nothing to do with something, very general, while the second says THIS, THIS thing that I'm doing, THIS thing that is happening. The way I read it the front vocals are sang by the actual humans that the Techrot is controlling, and the background is the Techrot.

"Neon lights flicker, DJ spins the track, the boys are in sync and there's no turning back" -> Notice how right after the last line we get a sharp switch to 3rd person story telling, as if the Techrot just managed to get control back? This is obviously telling someone that these people are now under control and this is something that can't be undone. But whom? This sounds just like "There's no reason to fight now, everything is lost anyway." Also the line "Neon lights flicker" is painting a scene that usually alludes to something changing / bad happening.

"Now that you're invested, we're turning up the heat, Everybody sing together on the one, two, three" -> This is the line that is being called out as famously mishear for 'Now that you're infested', for good reason, but again, notice how heat and fighting (albeit well hidden) come up again in the song, 'You're in(f/v)ested so we're turning up the heat, and everybody should sing along now, (which is again something that would make the stadium hotter from moving -> body heat.

[Chorus]

"Floating higher as the stars align, here on the edge of 1999" -> This could be meaning that as Y2K approaches they are getting stronger 'floating higher', just as it could mean out of body experience, aka. losing control.

"All systems go in this moment like you've never known (you've never known)" -> This is the line I'm gonna cling to as the biggest clue to the Techrot going crazy at the New Year. Also why I think On-Lyne encouraged their fans to not turn their computers off before midnight. I'm not sure I really believe this but this line could be the reverse of 'Something big is coming' with the boys singing in parenthesizes 'You've never known what's happening' to the crowd.

"Join us embrace us, don't ever erase us (On-Lyne's in the house)" -> So subtlety is out the window, we're bringing in the chanting until-

"Stop" -> And this is the line that made me write this whole post. Just. Why? Why would the Techrot put a stop to the chanting? Except if this isn't the Techrot but there is some humanity, something, anything remaining from the people they infested, that is for one last time fighting back?

"On-Lyne's in the house to bring the party of your lifetime" -> So this is purely speculation but I do believe that from this line forward it is the actual On-Lyne singing right until the end. Why?

Right after this line the music stops, like a moment of clarity, that could be so much. It could be the infestation wrestling back control once and for all, but I don't believe that that would be the case, from the lyrics that follow.

[Chorus] -> So I already explained that everything in the chorus could be interpreted as either the Techrot or On-lyne singing it, but after it comes

"We come to life, we come to life on the floor, This feeling's what we came for, The beat is strong, we can feel it in the floor" -> 'We come to life on the floor' can be interpreted as the Techrots control loosening which is the 'feeling that [they] came here for' and it's not the infested moving underfoot, but the beat they will feel in their last moments as the song ends.

"Party of your lifetime"

"[distorted] Party of your lifetime" -> The Techrot singing, trying to imitate human sound probably.

"Party of your life. Time." -> The moment I think the Techrot won was right after 'life' but it couldn't stop the 'time', because Warframe is at the end of the day about love, and hope and all that good stuff and so I refuse to look at this in any other way.

So anyway, this is just a random theory / analysis that I thought of after listening to this song too many times. I think the themes of battling for control over our lives fits Warframe perfectly, with the quests that we had in the past few years, and so I wouldn't be surprised if our new fan favorite boy band had a similar story to tell.

[leonsdoll]

WHY NOT ME

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part two

plot: you have a crush on your best friend but sadly she doesn't reciprocate

warnings: angst/no comfort, boring asf, bad writing, plus not proofread!!

word count: 1.2k

notes:hey fruity people, this took me a couple days because I'm soooo busy(listening to radiohead) if any of you sad little gays want a part two tell me and PLEASE give me plot ideas😛 and the title is a mitski lyric💯

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ellie had been your best friend since you moved to Jackson, you were both just fourteen years old when you met. over time you slowly but surely development a crush on her, I mean, who wouldn't? she's a cocky but funny girl with great hair, of course as you started to develop feelings so did she, but not for you...

her first girlfriend was when she was 17 and her name was cat. hearing ellie talk and talk about her for hours was a real punch in the gut, no matter how many times you heard the same things over and over again it still hurt like hell. when they broke up you couldn't tell if you were happy or sad, I mean yeah she's single now, but now you have no reason why she doesn't like you, before you could tell yourself that she's only in love with her girlfriend, now she doesn't like anyone and you were no exception.

now she was at her second girlfriend, Dina, you adored but couldn't help your jealousy corrupt you. you wanted to like her so bad, you wanted to look at her and Ellie and be happy for them, but you couldn't, you just couldn't. you were supposed to go out with ellie, dina and jessie tonight, there was a dance or a party, you didn't even know and you didn't care, you just didn't want to go.

it was 7pm and you were supposed to leave at 7:30pm, of course as worrier you are you wanted to look perfect, so you had already been ready for an hour. when it finally came time to leave, you slipped on your shoes, grabbed your bag and left the comfort of your home. as you stepped outside you were immediately hit with the cold air spring and your arms got goose bumps.

reached the "gathering" you could smell alcohol and sweat and hear old country songs play, right then and there you almost considered leaving but you musterd up the courage to walk in, the minute you walked in ellie and jesse turned their heads towards the door, they smiled and indicated for you to come over, you walked over to them and sat down on a bar stool.

"hey guys!" you grinned and hugged them, you guys talked for a good ten minutes but when the conversation died down you looked over at the and saw that they were staring at the dance floor, why? you turned your head to look at what they were paying so much attention to and you saw Dina, dancing with some random guy, she looked beautiful, somehow in this overcrowded and loud bar she still stood out with her beauty.

when the song ended Dina came rushing over to you guys, you said hello to her before she stole ellie drink, she pulled her to dance and that's when you decided it would be better for you to look away. you continued talking with jesse while they danced, you snuck in a couple glances towards them every once and a while, lucky they never saw you, while jesse was talking with someone else you shifted your attention to them again, they were so in love and it hurt you so bad.

you had never actually seen them be together, you always tried to avoid that, if they invited you somewhere you usually would just make up some dumb excuse like you were sick or maria needed you for something, you just couldn't bring yourself to watch ellie be a couple with someone again. they leaned in a little closer and you could see ellie blush and chuckle, after a couple more seconds of chatter they finally kissed, you wanted to look away so bad, but you couldn't, it's like you wanted to hurt yourself.

after they shared that sweet kiss you quickly looked away and wiped a tear from your eye. you put your hand on Jesse shoulder to get his attention, he flinched before turned around, "hey what's up?" he questioned, you cleared your throat before speaking up, "I'm gonna rain check I'm really tired so I think I should get some rest" you put on your best fake smile, he nodded and said goodbye. you quickly rushed out of there.

walking home you couldn't stop thinking about how ellie didn't love you before and she doesn't love you now, you just couldn't understand why you couldn't get that through your head. opening your door was a struggle, do to not being able to see the key hole from the tears forming in your eyes.

when you finally opened the door you took of your shoes and laid down in bed, you sighed and closed your eyes hoping you could just disappear. you woke up to the sun peeking through your window, you sleepily grumbled and rubbed you eyes. you got up and got ready for the day taking your time, you thought you had nothing to do today, just a calm sunday, when suddenly you heard a knock at your door.

you opened the door and the warm air rushed in, it was ellie. 'not to be rude but are you doing here?' you awkwardly put your hand in your sweater pockets, 'oh uhm...yesterday you left really early and I wanted to check if your okay I guess...and you know we beraly see each other anymore' and she was right you've only been seeing each other about twice a month for a while. 'oh yeah I was just really tired last night and uhm I guess I just wanted to go home' ellie nodded, 'can I come in and maybe we can...talk?', you really didn't want to talk to anyone right now, especially not her.

but I mean you couldn't say no...? 'oh yeah sure' you moved from the door and she stepped inside closing it behind her, 'you got a new lamp' ellie pointed to the tall lamp in the corner of your living room that you found on patrol, 'yeah it needed more light in here' you awkwardly chuckled, you both sat down on your couch before ellie spoke, 'what happened to us?' she questioned, you turned you head around and tried to blink tears away, 'i don't know' you lied.

'i mean we used to hang out and tell each other everything, I feel like I don't even talk to you anymore' you sighed and put your knees to your chest, 'i know and I'm sorry' your voice cracked mid sentence, 'did I so something wrong?' she whispered, you thought maybe it was time to actually tell her, you lifted your head from between your knees and looked into her eyes, 'no you didn't, it's just I've always had these...feelings for you and they won't go away, so I guess watching you be with someone else is hard but uhm...talking to you is somehow worse...'

to say the least ellie was shocked at your confession, I mean her best friend was in love with her? and somehow she didn't realize, 'oh' with her mind racing a hundred miles per hour that's all she could say, 'yeah I know' you whispered, ellie thought about what to say before blurring out a quick 'I'm sorry' before getting up and rushing out the door, you watched her leave and sat there with tears streaming down your face. honestly you didn't know if you and ellie would ever be as close again.

[goddessofmischief]

      SAY DON'T GO (YOUNG BUGGY X READER)

A/N: This is part of this series, which requests are open for! These fics are all one-shots, so they can be read separately. Also, I highly recommend listening to the song linked in the title while you read. (Especially with this one. It really, really fits it. Maybe even read the lyrics. It's really Buggy's POV in this fic.)

The first nights alone on the Oro Jackson were quiet.

You weren't alone, not really. You had Buggy and Shanks with you, after all, but it was strange hearing the place you grew up be silent for the very first time. The soft snores of your friends were nothing compared to the riotous laughter you had fallen asleep to every night for the past decade.

You were all orphans now.

"Shanks," you whispered, tapping him on the arm. You didn't dare wake up Buggy.

"Hm?" he hummed sleepily.

"Can't sleep."

"Me neither," he said, despite the fact that he was very obviously asleep mere moments ago.

Things felt different. Different than days before. You didn't feel like the woman who had been abandoned by - then reconciled with - Dracule Mihawk, or the woman who had stood and witnessed Roger's execution only one day earlier. You felt like a girl again, now that it was just you and Shanks and Buggy. Just the three of you, against the world, a world that did not seem quite so dim and empty as it had been these past few months.

And so you and Shanks (and Buggy, once he woke up to the commotion) "can't sleep"-ed together, laughing and talking and acting like everything would be fine, like you were a proper crew, like you were all you needed, like you and Shanks had never shared that poisoned kiss.

...

The mornings after that were not quite as bright.

It turned out that if you wanted to be a pirate crew, a real pirate crew, you needed some things. Other crew mates - those would come later, Shanks reasoned - and supplies, plenty of them. So you docked the ship at a nearby port, far from Marine influence, and began shopping.

"You know, I've been thinking," said Shanks, taking a bite out of an apple, "Maybe we should change our flag - our Jolly Roger?"

"Roger's flag? No way."

"C'mon, think about it. It's our ship now."

"Who would we even change it to? I mean, I wouldn't mind letting you be captain - in name only - but Buggy won't like it."

"Buggy will get used to it."

"What, and he'll be first mate? Who am I, then?"

"I don't know, I'm sure we'll come up with something-"

You smacked his arm.

"You're such a jerk."

"Such a jerk, 'Captain.'"

...

Buggy had dreamt of you last night.

How things were different now, maybe, for the first time. How maybe things could really change.

Mihawk had abandoned you (bummer) and you and Shanks seemed to have a strange distance between you since the wedding that Buggy couldn't understand. You would need someone, he was sure of it, and he would be there.

"Hey, guys," Buggy called out, carrying a bag of groceries in one hand and climbing aboard the Oro Jackson. A single daisy was concealed in his pocket. "Got everything?"

"Yeah, um," you said, and you couldn't look at Buggy.

"...What? What's going on?"

You looked up at Shanks, pleadingly.

"Don't make me say it."

"He'll take it better from you," said Shanks, and Buggy detected a hint of a smirk on his face. Weariness, too.

"Shanks wants to be captain," you mumbled, staring at the deck.

Buggy laughed.

"Kidding, right? You're... kidding." He saw the look on your face. "You're not kidding. Well, you told him, no, right? You told him no."

"She agreed to it," Shanks said. "She didn't mind. But she wasn't sure how you would take it."

"Why would you agree to that?" Buggy shouted, louder than he meant to, and you flinched. "Look at me. Why would you-"

"I'm sorry," you whispered, a tear rolling down your cheek. "I thought it was the right thing."

"Why isn't it me, huh? Why not me? What's the difference? There's nothing Shanks has done that I couldn't do."

"I trust him," you confessed. "I trust him to lead-"

"Yeah? Why not me?"

"Buggy-"

"Answer the question," Buggy snapped. "Why not me?"

"That's enough," said Shanks. "That's enough."

Shanks, he noticed, had put his arm around your shoulders protectively - as if you needed to be protected. As if you needed to be protected, from him.

"I'm leaving," Buggy said, and turned to grab his things.

He really meant it, too - he meant it, as he went downstairs and collected his clothes and weapons and souvenirs of the life he'd been living for the past twenty years. He almost grabbed a sweater of his you often liked to borrow, but left it.

He'd been so stupid to believe that anything could change. That he'd finally be like Shanks, an equal. He would never be as good as Shanks. He would always be second in your heart to him - third, depending on what your opinion of Mihawk was at the time.

Somehow, he'd always known.

It didn't matter if this crew, this boat, was the best chance he had at getting the One Piece. He would get it anyway, and when he did, he was going to have a good laugh at the look on you and Shanks' faces. But then again, you probably didn't care if you died peasants, as long as you had each other, and you'd probably be thrilled to be rid of him-

"...Buggy?"

He heard a creak and turned to see you holding the sweater.

"You forgot something," you said quietly, holding it out to him. Buggy shook his head.

"It's worn out. It's all... stretched, and you got stains on it, and there's too many holes. It's beyond repair."

All lies. You were particularly careful with this sweater, because it wasn't just your favorite - you knew it was Buggy's favorite, too.

You frowned, staring down at it and searching for a tear.

"You can throw it out, for all I care," and Buggy slammed the lid of his suitcase down.

"It's really warm," you said, "...And I don't want to."

You pulled it over your head, sleeves hanging far past where your arms could stretch. Buggy watched you, unable to look away.

He had forgotten how cute you could be when you weren't stabbing him in the back.

"Why'd you come down?" he asked, fixing a resentful expression on his face. "Figured you'd be celebrating with Shanks right now."

"I'm not gonna let you leave, Bug. You really are crazy if you thought I would."

"What's the point in me staying? You as good as said it back there, there's nothing I do that Shanks doesn't do better-"

"And how do you think I feel?" you snapped. "You think it felt good, watching him be stronger my whole life? Knowing that no matter what I did, Roger was never gonna respect me more than him? Did you even think about the fact that when I let Shanks be captain, I took it away from myself, too?"

Truthfully, Buggy had never thought to consider it.

"Do you know why I put up with it?"

"Tell me."

"Because he goddamn deserves it," you stated. "He deserves every bit of respect he gets. He's nearly the best swordsman because he trained to be, he's a fighter because he fought to be, and he's never once faltered when I needed him. He's a leader, and that's not who we are. So you can walk away from me and him and the One Piece, and be a big baby, but there's a reason why I chose him over myself. Do you not think I'm capable, Buggy? Do you not think I'm good enough?"

"You're good enough."

"I know I am. But you didn't see me throwing a fit on the deck. Making him captain doesn't mean that I think Shanks is better than you, because I don't think he's better than me, either. We all have jobs."

"Yeah? What's yours?"

"Doctor," you said. "And sniper, and cook, for now."

"And what about me?" Buggy asked, leaning against the wall and fixing his gaze on you. "If I stayed, what would you have me do?"

"I'd let you be first mate. And shipwright. And blacksmith. You're talented with making things."

"I didn't think you'd noticed."

"Of course I have," you said. "I'm wearing something you made right now."

It's true, you were. Buggy had gotten into knitting a long time ago, during lazy days on the Oro Jackson in his youth, and had decided to make a sweater for you after seeing how cold you got. He'd lost his nerve in the middle of the project and begun making it in his size instead of yours after fearing you wouldn't want it, but it ended up in your hands anyway.

You approached Buggy, tentatively, the long sleeves of the sweater draping off your wrists. He eyed you as you stared up at him, pleadingly, and then threw your arms around him as if you trap him, and could make him stay there forever.

"Please stay," you whispered, voice muffled by his shoulder.

Buggy smirked, holding you.

"I didn't think you would beg, doll."

"...Only for you."

Maybe he would stay a little longer.

taglist: @sawendel @twinklesnake @literaturewithliz @sordidmusings @foggyturtleknightangel @toertchen @96jnie @lunanight1021 @trafalgardvivi

[perfectsunlight]

summer bummer

𝗸𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗮 𝘅 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: 𝘀𝘂𝗴𝗴𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲, 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝘀𝘁 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗱 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 𝟲,𝟴𝟰𝟵 𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗱: ✔

𝗶𝗻𝘀𝗽𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝘆: 𝘀𝘂𝗺𝗺𝗲𝗿 𝗯𝘂𝗺𝗺𝗲𝗿 - 𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗮 𝗱𝗲𝗹 𝗿𝗲𝘆

being an intern at SM entertainment was a dream come true in itself. you never would have thought that you, as a foreigner, would even have the opportunity to be employed at such an organization. thankfully, you struck the jackpot, and landed a year-long internship position that would be eligible for renewal. 

SM operated like a colony of ants. different people had different roles, and even though some roles may be seen as more important, everyone was needed to help the company operate smoothly. without the idols, there was no SM entertainment. without the employees, there would be no SM entertainment. it was a mutual understanding that came with mutual respect as well.

you learned to respect the idols and their space. you made sure to bow every time, and sometimes even twice just because you couldn’t remember if you had the first time. your work mainly dealt with the production team, so naturally you came into contact with almost every idol signed under the company. 

however, with aespa having a comeback soon, you were told that you would have to work with them more often and more closely. you didn’t know much about the group other than their names and concept. you actually only met aeri once, and that was because she was the one who helped you find your way to the recording room on your first day. 

today you would be having your first meeting with the girls to discuss logistics and other things regarding the title track that you were tasked with producing. it was a big job, but the fact that SM trusted you enough to handle it just gave you the motivation to do your absolute best.

your fingers flipped through the pages of previously scrapped songs, doing your best to analyze the lyrics and what they were trying to portray that didn’t end up showing. you wanted the best for the girls, and you wanted to do your best because your job did depend on it. 

the door to the recording room suddenly opened, and you smiled at the sight of the 4 girls making their way inside. 

“hi y/n,” aeri flashed you a smile to which you mirrored. she stepped sideways before motioning towards her other members. “this is ningning,” she pointed at the brunette who waved. “and that’s karina and winter.” she finally pointed at the two girls whose hands were interlocked with each other.

you had heard about karina and winter being close, so it wasn’t a surprise once your co-worker spilled the beans and mentioned that they were dating. just from the first introduction, you could tell that the two had a very loving relationship.

minjeong and jimin’s relationship was the envy of many. even when they were just merely being shipped together, everyone wanted someone to look at them the way the two women looked at each other. their chemistry on and off the stage proved how much they loved each other. they were perfect for each other.

“it’s nice to meet you all, im excited to work with you and i hope we can create something amazing together.”

the meeting went on without any issues, and each of the girls had mentioned what they wanted in the upcoming title track. eventually, you managed to map out a set schedule for recording and writing. it was a highly productive meeting in your eyes. however, the entire time you could only focus on someone else’s pair. 

for some reason, karina couldn’t keep her eyes off of you. the idol felt drawn to you, even though she had just met you. periodically, winter would often graze her thumb over her hand. she didn’t notice it, really. her attention was entirely set on you. 

from the way your eyebrows furrowed, to the way your wrist twitched when you wrote, karina was analyzing every micro and macro detail about you. the meeting was about their group’s title track, but she would have much rather spent the time talking about you.

you had to be really good for SM to entrust the title track to you. she knew that you were new, but she didn’t think much of it until she walked into the room with you. she wanted to know everything about you.  jimin wanted to know just how special you were. 

by the time the next meeting had rolled around, the aespa members had all decided on their parts for a song you all decided to try experimenting with first. the order of recording went from youngest to oldest, with karina being the last to record. 

the other three had done just fine, not struggling much except for a few spots. surprisingly, the leader of the group seemed to really struggle with her parts. 

“you three can head back if you want, ill head home once im finished here.” jimin called out with her head poking out from the door. giselle and ning nodded and got their things to leave, but you could clearly see that winter was pouting and not wanting to leave without her girlfriend. 

jimin, being ever so attentive, made her way out of the booth and planted a soft kiss on the blonde’s head. “i’ll be home soon, i promise.” she whispered, watching the pout on minjeong’s lips disappear into a smile. 

once winter left with her other members, you were left alone with the aespa leader.

“i think you need to use more air in this part here,” you pointed to the lyric sheet in front of her while you gently tried to explain what she could do to improve. jimin’s eyes were trained on you the entire time, not on the paper. karina was an excellent vocalist, of course she knew what she needed to fix.

 as a matter of fact, she knew exactly how to read her lines. she just wanted–no, needed an excuse to be alone with you. 

“y/n,” 

your ears perked up at her voice, and you turned to face her fully with your head tilted slightly. the sight of your attentiveness to her made heat rush to her face. she prayed you wouldn’t be able to tell in the lighting of the booth. 

“yes?” you asked, a small smile on your face. “do you want me to show you how to do it?” you added, wanting to do anything to help the idol so she could do her best. 

before she could respond, you began singing the lines with ease. jimin swore she felt her entire nervous system stop working once her ears heard the sound of your voice.

if winter’s voice was like air, yours was like water. 

your voice alone could easily pass for one of an idol, and she didn’t notice it, but her jaw had dropped. you took note though, and simply flashed her your signature smile.

“you look like you’ve seen a ghost, karina.” 

a smile mirrored the idol’s lips as she felt the blush on her face heat up again. you were so adorable, and she couldn’t help but feel weak in the knees at the sound of her name rolling off your tongue. 

“jimin,” she said slowly, earning a look of confusion from you. she licked her lips before she continued speaking. “you can just call me jimin.” 

the two of you finished wrapping up her lines after what seemed like forever. it was dark outside, and jimin was starving. she could only imagine how hungry you had been, especially since you mentioned how you had been in the studio all day.

“hey y/n, lets go grab something to eat. it’s on me, consider it a thank you.” karina offered, earning a hesitant smile from you. you had heard that jimin was a kind woman, and practically the epitome of a disney princess, but to feel her kindness directed towards you made you feel shy all of a sudden.

“no need to thank me, jimin. i’m just doing my job.”

a scoff left the raven haired girl’s lips as she wrapped her arm around your shoulder. “come on, i’m not letting you leave just like that. you and i both need to eat, so let’s go.” she smiled down at you, and you couldn’t help but smile back and agree. 

besides, who couldn’t say no to her? after all, she was yu jimin. 

the two of you chatted away, getting to know each other better while you sat on the sidewalk in front of the dorms, eating takeout in the middle of the night. jimin was so caught up in her conversation with you that she didn’t realize how late it had been until you checked your phone and started apologizing. 

“thank you for tonight, jimin. i’m so sorry i didn’t see the time, i didn’t mean to keep you up.” you rambled, immediately scrambling to get your things to leave as soon as possible. 

the older girl stuck her hand out to hold your wrist, giving you the most genuine smile she had probably ever given. 

“i could talk to you for hours, y/n.”

your words got caught in your throat as you stared into her midnight eyes. jimin’s hair was down and undone, blowing softly in the night’s breeze. you would be lying if you said she still didn’t look gorgeous. she was a beautiful woman. you envied winter at that small moment for dating such a woman.

your recording sessions with aespa got more frequent, but your midnight dinners with karina seemed to be happening more often as well. you and jimin had gotten much, much closer. you considered her a good friend, but you two had yet to share any emotional moments. 

however, that all changed after one specific night.

it was technically not your day to record anything, but you found yourself in the studio playing around with a few new tracks. you wanted to potentially change something in the chorus of the title track, but you didn’t decide on anything yet. it was close to 1 in the morning, and you were just about to head home when the door to the room flung open.

you nearly fell out of your chair because it caught you so off guard, but what caught you even more off guard was the person who was standing in the doorway.

“jimin? are you okay?”

the idol closed the door behind her before she sat down on the couch with her head in her hands. she sniffled, and you didn’t bother pushing her to respond. instead, you simply moved over to sit on the couch with her and rub her back comfortingly.

“i didn’t know where else to go, im sorry.” she whispered softly, but from the hoarseness of her voice, you could tell she had definitely been crying. 

“you’re always welcome here, don't worry.” you hesitantly wrapped your arms around her shoulders, but you felt better once she visibly relaxed in your arms.

the two of you sat that way for a while, but the silence was comforting to jimin given the screaming match she just had mere hours ago.

“minjeong and i got into an argument,” she said in a voice barely above a whisper. 

your head turned to face her, noticing her tear stained cheeks and the way her eyelashes were wet from crying. “do you want to talk about it?” 

jimin’s head hung and she shook her head, trying her best to keep herself composed somewhat. you nodded in understanding, respecting her decision and the underlying reasons for it.

 “is there anything else i can do for you?” you asked gently, removing your arms from her shoulders and letting them fall in your lap.

jimin turned to look at you, and for the first time that night, she managed to smile. “do you have any soju?”

around an hour had passed and you two were pretty tipsy to say the least. since the recording room was naturally soundproof, you two were able to laugh and talk freely as loud as you wanted. you were pretty sure you were on your second bottle at this point because you were starting to feel a bit more fuzzy than before.

you don’t remember how it happened or whose idea it was, but somehow you and jimin agreed to mess around on the vocal tracks. you just kept pressing the record button while she started singing “black mamba” but the “drunk version” as you two called it. 

karina insisted on you being apart of the song too, which was how you were hugging each other while screaming into the microphone. you couldn’t take her seriously though, and not even halfway through, you couldn’t stop laughing. 

“yah! y/n,” jimin laughed and rolled her eyes playfully. “you’re messing up the song! it has to be good.” she whined while shaking your shoulders. 

“sorry, but i can’t take you seriously when you’re yelling.” you reasoned, doing your best to not start laughing again. 

the aespa member groaned before leaning her head on your shoulder. “you’re lucky you’re cute.”

even in your drunken state, you knew you weren’t hearing things when her voice reached your ears. she had to mean it platonically, right? after all, she was with minjeong. she had a girlfriend. 

“you heard me, y/n.” karina whispered, leaning her head on your shoulder. it was as if she had read your own mind. “i think you’re cute.”

maybe it was the mix of the alcohol and emotions she was on, but jimin couldn’t help but say how she felt about you. relationship be damned, she couldn’t deny the way she felt about you. it was never her intention to fall for you, but she wasn’t going to stop. 

you don’t remember the rest of the conversation that followed, but what you do remember were bits and pieces of jimin kissing you against the wall, as well as some very vague images of her on top of you on the couch. 

still, you didn’t need the full recap to know what had happened between you two. it only made it worse once you had to see the girls again a few days after it had happened.

you couldn’t face minjeong properly, or even stare at her for longer than a few sentences. you felt immense regret, and even though it wasn’t just your fault, you couldn’t help but feel terrible for basically helping jimin cheat on her girlfriend.

thankfully, it seemed like karina and winter made up. however, you had a feeling that the younger girl didn’t know what happened between the two of you. and in all honesty, was it even your place to say anything either?

recording ended early, and you bid the members goodbye before turning to save everything you guys had worked on before hearing the door shut behind you. you nearly jumped out of your skin when you felt a pair of arms snake around your body. 

“hi,” jimin whispered, feeling her body relax against yours naturally. your head turned to face her, jaw agape and eyes nearly popping out of their sockets. was she still intoxicated somehow? 

the black haired girl couldn’t help but laugh at your visible confusion. “what’s wrong?” 

“what are you doing?” you hissed quietly, eyes quickly snapping towards the door as if minjeong or any other one of the members would walk in at any moment and witness the current situation.

“i missed you.” she whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to your temple. you would be lying to yourself if you said it didn’t give you tiny butterflies in your stomach. however, they were most definitely the bad kind of butterflies. 

“jimin,” you swallowed the lump in your throat. “we can’t do this, you have a girlfriend.”

karina’s dark eyes remained locked with yours, making you seem a bit uneasy at the way she started smiling after. “you’re so adorable, y/n/n.”

she cupped your face in between her hands, running her thumbs gently across your cheeks. she simply admired your confusion laced features, committing them to memory in case you would disappear right there on the spot. 

“do you know why minjeong and i got into an argument?”

you shook your head, recalling that jimin didn’t want to speak about what exactly went down between the two of them. 

jimin’s lip twitched into a wider smile before she leaned in closer to your face, your noses touching lightly.

 she spoke in a voice barely above a whisper, “because i moaned your name and not hers.”

ice ran through your veins as you froze on the spot. jimin’s drunk actions were indeed sober thoughts. yu jimin, aespa’s karina, was infatuated with you, despite having her girlfriend. jimin wasn’t lying either. she and minjeong had been in the middle of a makeout session, but all the black haired girl could think about the entire time was how your lips would feel instead. as a result, she accidentally said your name, and the argument that followed was the reason for her running to your studio later that evening.

your silence caused the raven haired girl to grin even more. you didn’t know it yet, but you had been the object of her desires since the moment she met you. somehow, you had managed to make jimin fall so hard to the point where she could care less about her and minjeong. 

their years of history meant nothing to her anymore. sure, she cared about minjeong’s well being, but not in a romantic way anymore. she hadn’t cared about anything regarding her own relationship from the moment you introduced yourself to the group. the way you spoke, the way you sang, the way you wrote, the way you walked. every single detail that made you up, made her more impossibly infatuated. 

your sophistication was enough to make jimin want to leave winter, and as a matter of fact, she had already tried to. 

after the night she ran to the studio with you, she told her managers that she was going to break things off with minjeong. however, they refused to let her. she told them that she was in love with someone else, but despite her pleas and protests, they told her she had to stay with winter. it would be bad for publicity if they broke up, so she had to deal with loving you in secret for now.

your eyes met hers once more, and before you could process everything happening, she pressed her lips against yours. this time, a sober kiss, but she wanted to make sure you knew without a doubt that what she felt for you was real. 

her scent was intoxicating, and the way her chapstick tasted sent shivers down your spine. you knew you felt something towards the other girl as well, but unlike her, you had a guilty conscience about it. minjeong was someone you still admired too, and even though you weren’t too close, you still respected her as a person. 

you pulled away and jimin chased your lips, but stopped once she saw your flushed face. “what about minjeong?” you hesitantly asked, still trying to fully comprehend everything. 

“she’s not the one i want. don’t worry about her,” karina’s nails gently ran down your sides as she pressed her body against yours. “i want you, y/n. not her.”

she kissed your forehead, and you couldn’t help but feel conflicted. on one hand, you didn’t want to play any part of this messed up situation. jimin had feelings for you too, and you maybe had some for her as well, but she was in a relationship. you didn’t want to be that kind of person. 

however, on the other hand, you technically already had played a part in this mess. you and jimin crossed that line already, and you had crossed it together. there was no way you could go back now, so why stop now?

that latter was the logic you kept once things got more serious with karina. it had been over a month and a half since this all started, and truthfully, you still didn’t know how to feel.

you undid your shoelaces, taking your hightops off and setting them by the door before you made your way inside your apartment. the midday summer sun shone through your windows and illuminated the place with natural light.

you began rummaging through your mail, sorting what was important and what was not, until your phone began buzzing.

INCOMING CALL FROM: J &lt;3 …

of course, you answered without hesitation.

“hi, princess.” 

your eyes rolled playfully at the nickname, but a smile formed on your lips. jimin always made you smile, even if she was being extra. “hi, stranger.”

a scoff escaped her lips, and you heard it clearly. “stranger? interesting.”

“when are you coming over?” you asked while you mindlessly threw out some of your junk mail. 

you heard her hum on the other end of the phone before she answered. “she thinks im going home tonight and spending the weekend with my parents, so i’ll see you later tonight once i take her out for dinner.”

at this point in your “relationship” there wasn’t much spoken about minjeong anymore. sure, you knew that she and jimin were still very much together, and that jimin had to make it seem like everything was fine.

except, sometimes it did hurt you a little. you were falling for the other girl in the process of all of this mess, so naturally it made you feel a little jealous whenever jimin would do things with minjeong. 

of course, you trusted the girl, but you also understood that minjeong was very much still her girlfriend regardless. 

a hum in approval was all you gave before speaking. “alright then, i'll see you later.” jimin heard your tone shift but before she could even mention anything about it, you heard the muffled voice of minjeong in the background.

“see you later.”

the call ended, but you knew how this went because it always happened like this. since it was summer, your sessions with the group were not as often since they were filming for their next season of synk road and fulfilling their ambassador duties.

this meant you didn’t see jimin as often as you wanted, but she still called and texted every day because she missed you. you knew she missed you, but for whatever reason, you seemed to feel more insecure about your alleged position in her heart. 

jimin was cheating on minjeong with you, but wasn’t jimin also technically cheating on you too? 

then again, it wasn’t like the two of you had established any formal relationship together. all that you two knew, and had mentioned, was that you shared mutual feelings for each other. nothing more, and certainly nothing less.

you decided to distract yourself by showering and turning on some tv. moonlight crept into your apartment, and as you sat on your couch in your (jimin’s) comfiest clothes, you couldn’t help but notice the sinking feeling in your stomach once each minute passed.

it was already half past nine, and still no sign of the other girl. your scowl only grew more, but there wasn’t much you could do except move in closer to your couch cushion and grumble to yourself. 

as if on cue, not even 10 minutes later, you heard jimin come through the door. she saw your curled up figure, and noticed your attention was on the TV. she was a little bummed that you weren’t seemingly excited to see her. usually, you would run to greet her, especially since she hadn't seen you for a few days. 

“jagiya?” 

karina set her bag down and made her way towards the couch. you were still feeling a bit upset, and she knew something was wrong with your lack of energy, but she didn’t know why. the older girl moved to sit next to you and wrapped her arms around your torso. 

“hi.” you mumbled, keeping your eyes trained on the screen in front of you. 

a small frown etched onto the idol’s face, and she couldn’t help but feel worried about your behavior even more. “what’s wrong, baby?” she leaned down to press a kiss to your lips.

“nothing.” you muttered, but jimin’s frown only deepened once you turned your head and she only managed to kiss your cheek. she whimpered, looking like a kicked puppy at your sudden cold shoulder. jimin didn’t like it, and she didn’t like how you also weren’t telling her why you were acting this way. 

“did i do something wrong?” 

your silence was deafening, and if it wasn’t for the ambience of the random TV show playing, it would have been much more quiet. you didn’t want to potentially argue with karina, but you also were dying to have some sort of reassurance from the idol.

“what are we, jimin?”

the dark haired girl’s head snapped up and her eyes widened a little. she wasn’t expecting to have this conversation with you. maybe with minjeong, but definitely not with you.

“i don’t know what this is, or if this is just some game for you.” you added, fiddling with your fingers while you tried your best to be honest with her.

you were the only person jimin cared about in the world. had she not done a good enough job of showing you that? obviously she hadn’t, considering you were feeling insecure about yourself in the moment. she used her hand to cup your face, turning it to face her entirely. she scanned your face, concern etched into every feature.

 “you’re the love of my life, y/n.”

your gaze softened at her honesty, and part of you felt guilty for even doubting her feelings for you. karina took your softened gaze as an opportunity to continue speaking.

“from the moment i laid my eyes on you, i knew you were special. i knew i needed to have you. everything i feel for you, its real.”

to be honest, this was the most you two had talked about your feelings since her confession. and it did reassure you somewhat, but you had one important thing to get off of your chest.

“what about minjeong?”

jimin’s gaze never faltered, she simply pulled you into her lap and wrapped her arms around your back and waist. she leaned down to press her lips to your temple, and you instantly relaxed under her soft touch. 

“i feel nothing for her. every single time she kisses me, its only you i see. whenever she tells me she loves me, i can only say it back if i pretend its you. as a matter of fact,” she ran her hands up your shirt and caressed your back with her fingertips. the action combined with her sweet words sent shivers down your spine. “i was late tonight because i was arguing with my managers again. i tried to break it off again, like i always do. i’m always fighting for you, for us.”

the power you held over her was beyond her, and you had no idea what it was doing to the young idol. she was entirely in the palm of your hand, and you could do as you wished with her.

“what do you want me to do, baby? tell me, and i’ll do it.” the idol’s lips met your neck as she left the softest and lightest pecks at its base. truth be told, karina would do anything for you. if you told her to jump, she would say how high. if you said to run, she would ask how far. 

“you don’t have to do anything, jimin.” you whispered, not noticing the pout that formed on her lips. 

she stared up at you with her darkened eyes, “no. my baby doesn’t understand how much i care about her, so i  need to do something.”

“there’s nothing that can be done about it.” you said softly, pulling your neck away from her lips. the action made her face fall, but she was able to connect the dots and figured out immediately what the issue at hand was.

jimin’s hands moved to gently, but firmly, hold your waist. “look at me, y/n.” she quietly demanded, and you complied, of course. you would always do whatever she wanted, that was no question.

her gaze never left yours as she spoke, sending a flush to your face in the process. “i love you.”

karina’s lips kissed your forehead, then your cheek, and then the tip of your nose. the realization of her statement made your stomach flutter. you two had never said the words to each other; this was the first time you had heard her say it.

“i only love you, y/n.” 

she repeated herself, emphasizing each syllable as she pulled you in closer to her. she scanned your face for any sign of a reaction. her revelation was something she had always known herself, but she figured that by finally saying it out loud to you it may give you reassurance.

you wrapped your arms around her neck and pressed your lips against hers. jimin reciprocated immediately, letting a sigh escape from her mouth as she melted against you. you were her only true weakness, but also her only true strength. it was a beautiful balance; one that she was hell bent on keeping.

once you pulled away, your foreheads rested against each other. the two of you remained like that for a moment, simply relishing in the intimate moment. karina loved you, and you now knew that without the shadow of a doubt. despite her history with minjeong, she was so certain of her feelings for you. she had told you countless times how winter was not the one she had feelings for, and that it was only ever you.

for her it was always, and only ever going to be, you. for you, it was always, and only ever going to be, her. 

“i love you too, jimin.”

from that moment on, your relationship was more established. you two both knew that you were only each others, despite what the media thought. your relationship had to be secret, especially since minjeong or her other members didn’t know. however, despite keeping everyone in the dark, you two felt no regrets whatsoever.

especially in situations like now, when you two were making out in the practice room that her members had been in just mere minutes before. 

jimin was on top of you again, a sight that you saw often, but you would never get tired of it either. your back pressed into the wooden floor beneath you, which was freezing earlier, but since jimin pounced on you the moment you came through the door, your body felt anything but cold.

the idol’s hands dug into your waist, making you moan into her mouth. your secret lover grinned into the kiss, relishing in the effect she had on you. jimin was in the palm of your hand, but you were equally in hers as well. 

the two of you halted your movements once you heard footsteps echoing down the hall. however, jimin didn’t care about getting caught. she just didn’t want someone interrupting you two right now.

“shh,” she whispered against your lips, pecking them once more before she pulled herself off of you. she still hovered over your frame, but her body wasn’t pressed against yours. her midnight hues scanned your face, something she always had a habit of doing. she loved memorizing your features and committing them to her memory. you were a masterpiece, a true work of art. how could she not admire you?

“beautiful.” 

jimin’s hands intertwined with yours, her lips meeting your knuckles in a sweet gesture. a shade of crimson flushed your face. even after all this time, her compliments seemed to always have the same effect on you. 

“says the idol on top of me.” you replied, chest still slightly heaving as you attempted to catch your breath. you never fully understood how someone like her feel completely in love with you. especially since her relationship with her band member was seen as the epitome of every relationship. however, you never thought too long about it, especially when your lover was always so quick to reassure you. 

the mentioned idol leaned down and kissed your lips once more, slowly but firmly. she was insatiable, naturally. but she couldn’t help herself. you were practically the definition of perfection in her eyes. she would never be able to get enough of you. she wasn’t complaining, though. 

“marry me, y/n.”

she whispered against your lips, but before you could even say anything in response, she pressed another quick kiss to your swollen lips. “marry me and we won’t have to hide. then they can’t force me to do anything anymore.”

“jimin,” you warned, thinking she was somehow joking, but one glance at her and you knew she wasn’t. she had the same attentive expression on her face as always. you could practically see the wheels turning in her head. “let’s not do anything stupid.”

karina kissed the crown of your head gently, treating your body as if it was the most delicate thing in existence. “i’m tired of hiding. aren’t you?”

“your contract would be in jeopardy, my love.” you tried to reason, hoping that you would remind her of her job’s responsibilities. she was bound by her contact to her idol duties, and she was also the leader of aespa. she couldn’t exactly abandon that just for you, and you wouldn’t ask her to do such a thing anyway. 

karina whined and you kissed her temple. “i’ll threaten to leave, then.” your brows furrowed as you looked at her in disbelief once more. “you will do no such thing, rina.” 

the idol groaned once more, but chose to ignore your logical reasoning by kissing you fervently again. you tried to push her away to continue chastising her, but she kept chasing your lips. the older girl was about to attack your neck, but the buzzing of your phone caught both of you off guard.

reluctantly pulling away from your lover, you reached for it and answered without looking. 

“hello?” 

“y/n, what’s with this audio file?”

your brow furrowed as you gently moved jimin off of you. “which one?”

“the one you sent me wasn’t the one for the title track.”

your face met your forehead as you groaned, mentally trying to figure out which one you accidentally sent. fortunately for you, your boss jogged your memory.

“y/n, i don’t know what you…you and karina do…but uh, you definitely sent the wrong one.”

the color drained from your face and your gaze met jimin’s. her brows furrowed, since her close proximity, she could hear the conversation going on. however, she was just as lost as you. the two of you kept everything you did private, including your intimate moments. so how on earth would someone else know?

“ill uh, ill look into it. sorry, again.” you replied, still just as confused. you moved your phone to your other ear before mouthing something to karina. “what is he talking about?”

she only shrugged, standing up and reaching over to grab her phone from her bag. your attention was brought back to your conversation.

“yeah, i don’t know what you’re going to tell the other girls though. just send me the track by tonight.”

he ended the call once you exchanged farewells, but once you turned to jimin, you finally realized what audio file you had accidentally sent.

it was from the night you two got drunk in the studio. you had accidentally left the record button on in the booth, which picked up every single sound and word that was exchanged.

your face flushed red, and as you turned to face jimin, she stared at her phone with a smile on her face.

“what?” she asked, tilting her head at you once she made eye contact. 

you swallowed the lump in your throat, trying your best to calm your racing heart. your boss had heard you and karina, basically reliving the moment you two shared with a front row seat. “jimin, he heard the recording of us from the night we got drunk in the studio.” 

the idol’s smile only grew wider, making you feel significantly more confused. why was she smiling at a time like this? 

jimin held her phone to your face, showing you her screen. it was her conversation with minjeong. 

it was text after text of minjeong cursing at jimin, numerous amounts of “fuck you” and “how could you” messages. the realization suddenly hit you once you read the final message: “we’re done.” and your manager’s words echoed in your mind once again.

“yeah, i don’t know what you’re going to tell the other girls though.”

shit. they heard it.

“we don’t have to hide anymore, baby.” jimin grinned and kissed your face over and over, practically bursting at the seams with energy. you looked at her like she was insane. the smile on jimin’s face was the brightest you had ever seen. she swayed you in her arms, holding you close and forgetting about her phone and her extremely upset ex. 

however, she didn’t care. and truthfully? neither did you. the only thing you cared about was getting the title track sent in by your deadline. 

you suddenly felt a smile growing on your face, mirroring hers. you didn’t have to hide anymore, and with minjeong knowing as well, things would definitely look different with their management. jimin wouldn’t have to threaten anyone, and she would get to have her relationship with you. 

“i’m going to show everyone that you’re my lover, the real love of my life.” jimin whispered in your ear.

your smile never faltered, and you could only feel butterflies in your stomach at the thought of being able to go out and do public dates with your girlfriend. “we can go on dates,” she continued, pressing a kiss to your cheek and then again on your lips. “i don’t care what people will say,” karina’s eyes glinted with happiness. “i’m yours, and you are mine.”

you wrapped your arms around her neck, looking up at her with the same lovesick look she shared with you. “let’s go on vacation somewhere, just you and me.” she proposed as she wrapped her arms around your waist. 

“i’d like that,” you answered with a giggle, feeling ticklish as she nuzzled her nose into your shoulder. with a deep breath, she inhaled your scent and pressed a kiss to your shoulder. “we can leave once the title track is released.” 

“how about hawaii?” karina asked, pressing her lips to your neck gently. “i’ve heard their black beaches are gorgeous.”

you hummed in thought, recalling the numerous times you two had mentioned traveling somewhere together just to get away. but with the comeback preparations and summer ambassador activities, your plans were often squashed. 

“hm, i don’t know jimin. we have a lot to clean up here.”

she groaned into your neck, “come on, don’t be a bummer, babe.”

however, now that your schedules were going to be much more free, you decided now would be the best time to go. 

“fine, lets do it.”

the photos of you two making out on the sandy black beaches in hawaii made headlines the next weekend, but neither of you cared anymore. you didn’t care about hiding, she didn’t care about what people said about her and minjeong. she didn’t care because now she got the girl she wanted, and she wasn’t afraid to show it. 

karina’s face was plastered all over media outlets, and aespa gained a lot of attention from your relationship. even though most people didn’t know who you were, once karina publicly mentioned your name in an interview the amount of attention you received was enormous. she had always defended your name though, making sure to come for anyone that dared taint your name. she was fine with people taking her name through the mud, but yours? 

she would rather burn her own hands than let someone else harm you.

minjeong and the others were still very upset with their leader, but it wasn’t like they could do anything about it. it wasn’t like the two of you were going to stop.

your once secret, undercover love was now in the light, and the only thing that mattered to you was the success of aespa and your girlfriend’s well being. 

but for karina, the only thing that mattered to her was you. that, and what style of ring she was going to buy you after the comeback was over.

after all, weddings were often better in the spring, but this summer was not a bummer at all. the only bummer was how she was going to get her members to forgive her and be her bridesmaids, but that was a problem for later.

-

a/n: to the anon who requested this...thank you so MUCH 😋

[twst-rose-prisms]

Twst boys and their respective Vocaloid songs

As the title said, I've been wanting to assign some Vocaloid songs for the twst characters as there are quite a lot of songs that specifically fit them! I'll include some lyrics part as of why I think it fits along with a small analysis + song link! I'm letting my Vocaloid braincells taking over this time hehe 🌹❤️

Shout out to my bestie @twst-megane for helping me out a bunch once again!!

Characters: All NRC students Warning: Some of these songs contain angsty/dark themes or imply self-harm, however it's nothing too much as that's the nature of Vocaloid songs in general and I recommend you checking them out if you guys can!

Part 1 | Part 2

🌹 Heartslabyul 🌹

Riddle: Bitter Choco Decoration

Pretty self-explanatory from the lyrics if you remember Riddle’s backstory with his strict, controlling mother. His entire life up until he became a student has been under his mom’s influence and it ended up him being too strict even to himself and his emotions - just like the meaning of the song too.

“Bitter choco decoration I long for the ideal that everyone wishes for Bitter choco decoration I reduce my individuality and my emotions to ashes Bitter choco decoration Kill your desires and ego, and bury them all underground Bitter choco decoration I've finally grown up, mama” “Surely, tomorrow, and the days after This hell will continue on and on. Alas, so please, just for now Let me keep the feelings I had when I was but a child And be the naked me.”

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Ace: Lost One’s Weeping

Being a rebellious person, I’m thinking this song fits Ace the most as it’s about questioning the flawed system, questioning one’s being and purpose and that if we have to keep living under some sort of authority for the rest of our life. As you can already see how he acts in Book 1 towards Riddle - defying authority, questioning it, and being rebellious about it.

“Can you say the formula for area ratio? Can you say the dreams of your childhood? Who threw those dreams in a ditch? Hey, who was it? You know who it was! When are you going to grow up!? What is a grown-up anyway? Do you know who has the answers? Hey, what should I do? I don't care anymore!”

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Deuce: RAD DOGS

I picked this song for Deuce because of the lyrics, but also the beat and the meaning. The strong, powerful beat with the fast rap part really fit him don’t you think? The lyrics speaks of the struggle of going against the grain and choosing a life of freedom, although it comes with an effort and the ability to face everything life throws at us. We need to take a leap of faith and not settle for anything less than what we truly want, emphasizes the importance of taking a risk and restarting, not worrying about the reason or justifications for doing so, just like how Deuce acts in general with his goal and dream.

"My unseen devotion, sympathy that I don’t feel, and all the things that I can't have What kind of story? Whose story is it? If you don't have something, you'll start to want it, isn’t that right?" "Now, I’ve decided to restart for the first time Just saying “I want to be like you” is all you need, right? Not knowing the reason why, not needing the reason why I'm defying against fate’s rules" "Now, I’ve decided to restart and burst out Just saying “I want to see it” is all you need, right? Let that groovy sound beat, let me hear that heartbeat Since there’s no time to just stand still" "With the tailwind blowing Alright, we keep going forward without looking back"

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Trey: Ai no Material

Trey gives me a melancholic, casual and mature vibe, like an older brother who you can depend on anytime and he would give you his usual smile. That’s why I picked this song for him, although he always helps out everyone but I feel like he can be lonely sometimes, like perhaps he would need a helping hand or maybe some support. When I read the lyrics I think of him! I want to interpret it as Heartslabyul to Trey, who’s been always working hard for the dorm, and it’s the message that he might want to hear the most!

"(Jump into tomorrow!) It seems that the stars will fall down. (Always) You wear a sparkling smile. (With a smile) But even if it's hard, you hide the pain away, (Want to meet you) and without showing it, you just laughed." "I always want to smile, after all. It's not hard, so I'm going to try harder! I wonder if I've been embracing such a lie tightly, And kept walking all this time." "Fly up more, higher and higher. If it's you, you can do it with a smile. But it's okay even if it's just a little bit, It's okay to quietly depend on me too." "Words like "I'm alright" or saying "I'm okay", While showing your usual smile. I understand those lies you utter, And that's why I tug on your hand."

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Cater: Phony

I know it might sound like it doesn’t fit him but in my opinion, this song sums up Cater as a character. We haven’t seen much of him in actual depth, but I definitely think he has more than he just appears. This song talks about how a person can mask and deceive themselves in lies, they’re aware of it, but they have to put it up in order to meet societal expectations. A constructed image or persona - the “fake” that they created and now they struggle to reconcile with their true self, and I think he is like that as well. (Aniplex please more Cater content for us we're waiting-)

“There’s no flower in this world more beautiful than an artificial one That’s because everything is manufactured from lies Antipathy world” “The rain of despair pelts my umbrella and Dampens my bangs and the hidden side of my heart Oh, it’s all so troublesome” “Before I knew it, the words had already withered The fruit of the truth is ripening within me Painting lies upon the mirror’s reflection, a “makeup” of the loss of oneself” “Before I knew it, the mimicked cries joined the unpleasant chorus Their eyes, leery, are dissolving you I am missing from the mirror’s reflection. There is only a “fake” that everyone mistook for someone else”

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🦁 Savanaclaw 🦁

Leona: Meltdown

The song is about one wanting to disappear, wanting to kill their old self and erase everything as if it’s like falling asleep. Though I think this song can be interpreted as having depression - and from what we see going on with Leona, I feel like he does show signs of it, I wish they would dive deeper into his story in Book 2 though! Other than that, I feel like the lyrics in here suit him a lot, especially the “sleep” part in the lyrics.

“I'm like a lighter out of fluid My insides are on fire Sometimes I wish It was all a lie” “I want to jump into the core My memories would melt into brilliant whiteness and disappear If I could jump into the core I feel like I’d be able to sleep again like I used to” “If I jumped into the core I'd vanish, like I had gone to sleep A morning without me Would be perfect All the gears meshing together That's how the world would be”

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Jack: Night Sky Patrol of Tomorrow

I think this song fits Jack a lot, the vibe is definitely for him but also the lyrics as well. The headstrong vibe, full of uncertainty but also full of hope for tomorrow, despite feeling hopeless at times but what is important is never give up and head forward to the future. The song’s meaning is to convey resilience, independence, and the importance of cherishing the present moment even when you’re uncertain about some things. You could also take this as a JackMC song haha, It just fits him a lot imo!

“I'm a boy who picks out his enemies to fight, Depending on whatever suits my mood. No hopes for the future, I wanted to be drawn in a dream." "And yet I fear the future, Hating tomorrow, wishing towards the past. There's no longer anything I can do, so I shout, "Tomorrow, tomorrow, please, don't come!" "If you want it, then make it come true yourself." Eh... You said that..." "I think about what I want, To go see you again tomorrow night. But I don't know, maybe you won't be there, But even so, we will always be one." "So, see you later, Sky Arrow, let's smile on! I want to be together with you in the future, However short our time may be, so I'll shout out, "Remember this day someday in the future, whoever we are then..."

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Ruggie: Moonlight

This song fits Ruggie a lot in terms of lyrics, with numerous mentions of rags and junk and collecting them together to the longing of being your own self instead of being in someone else’s shadow and chasing after them. The singer compares themselves to a piece of junk or trash as they think of themselves lowly, just like Ruggie himself. The mention of moonlight here represents the singer’s ideal that they always chase after, like Ruggie’s life goal. Overall, the vibe of the song fit him a lot! (I recommend checking out the Vivid Bad Squad version too!)

“A collection of junk, Covered with a piece of rag, A replica in a hideous shape Words spun by someone else, Tones played by someone else, A fake made by a distorted collage of them” “Even being junks, even a piece of rag In the blood pumped from its heart There was only my own anger In the end, there must be nothing left Love, spun songs, and my name will one day fade away I wonder why? It's stuck in the back of my chest, A loneliness similar to the silence of a winter night” “Whether or not I'm a fake, Looking back now, there was only Those blurred memories” “The irony of being a waste, I'm trying to get out of the cliché, but "Another rehash of someone else’s work?" "Is even your identity a trick?" "Do you want love, even if you have to steal it?" “Even being junks, even a piece of rag After following the never ending dream I'll find my own light, all the way”

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🐚 Octavinelle 🐚

Azul: Delusion Tax

In my opinion, this is the most fitting song I could think of for Azul. As said in the lyrics, we all have desires of our own, and the person (or in this case Miku) in this song is a genie that can grant any wishes, but in the end everything come with a price, anyone who make a wish with her will have to sell a part of themselves. Sounds just like Azul and his contracts don’t you think? But you can also think this reflects Azul’s own desires once you know his backstory too! (and also, check out this amazing art by my bestie! Her art is amazing!!)

“Turning wishes into reality Right now, buy back your future! Afflicted by so badly wanting to do “that”, consumed by desire Come now, let’s go beyond all this pain” “Existing for your sake alone, mandatory affections and obligated kindness Though you should be satisfied, a voice from within shouts “NO!” We have an idiot on our hands, it seems…” “None of it will come true if you don't pay the price Look, just up and borrow the "desired amount" Reality is a bitter-sweet pill to swallow Come now, let’s go beyond all this pain” “That which you wish for, the person you think of, The past which you hate as well, they’ll all be as you like. The kind of face and chest you desire, they’ll be granted if you pay. “It’s a promise”

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Jade: SHANTI

I feel like the song is pretty self-explanatory, as you can see with the lyrics. It just fits Jade’s job and his approach to the “targets” and lure them into signing a contract with Azul, but it’s probably just more than the said goal… But you can never tell with that smile of his as his “kind” words accompany his looks. Until you realized you fell into the trap and become one of Azul’s underlings due to the contract (at least, until post-Book 3, but who knows)

“Hey, young man who’s hanging his head Did something bad happen? If you’re fine with me, do you wanna talk about it? I can help you What in the world happened? That sounds terrible, brother I'll give you this, so cheer up, ok You can pay me back next time” “So you came again tonight Was it to your liking? The fee is this much Huh? Huh? Huh? So you can’t pay Then it can’t be helped I’ve got the perfect job for you, so come and follow me”

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Floyd: Matryoshka

A chaotic, addictive rock song that is very fitting for Floyd. Why though? According to the wiki “Most of the lyrics are nonsensically vague or ridiculous, with a slight hint of pain or sadness, giving the overall song a crazy and psychotic feeling. Therefore, the lyrics have been interpreted in various ways.” Just like the moody guy himself, don’t you think?

“My headache is singing about a package The clock's hand is stuck at 4 o'clock No one would tell me why But the world has begun to rotate in reverse” “Ah, would you please dance even more? Kalinka? Malinka? Just play the strings" "What should I do with these kinds of emotions? Won't you please tell me? The signal reception is good, 5-2-4! Freud? Keloid? Just hit the keys Let's just laugh everything off Hurry up and dance, you group of fools!" "Together let's clap our childish hands To this intentionally deranged rhythm Surely, I couldn't care less about everything The world's temperature is beginning to melt”

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[hischierswhore]

Christian Pulisic x singer!Reader smau (part 4)

the final part of the mini smau series. yes, i’m aware that the title says Christian & not Mason. there’s a reason :)

faceclaim: Madison Beer

yourusername

liked by cmpulisic, benchilwell, and 5,019,927 others

yourusername city of love 🫶🏼

view all 102,837 comments

cmpulisic i want pic creds

yourusername no.

masonsfuturewife she moved on fast 😑

y/nsluver bffr. it’s been 7 months. get over it.

yourbestfriend i miss u

y/nfan7 slay

————————————————————————

y/nupdates

liked by y/nsluver, y/nfan4, and 129,265 others

y/nupdates Y/n & Christian via each other’s instagram stories.

view all 26,928 comments

y/nfan7 ima be honest, i wouldn’t be mad if they were together. he seems like he’s such a sweetheart and he seems to treat her well

y/nsluver why do i kinda ship tho…

pulisicsgirl6 i personally feel like they’d make a better couple then her & m****

masonsfuturewife so mason can’t cheat on her but she can date his bestfriend after their breakup? so hypocritical

natisdelusional first of all, nobody ever said they were together. they’ve been close even before Christian met Mason. secondly, if they are together, she didn’t cheat. Mason did. there’s a difference. you’re just blinded.

yourbestfriend natisdelusional i’m so glad someone else said it for once and not me🤣

————————————————————————

cmpulisic

liked by masonmount, benchilwell, and 2,938,192 others

cmpulisic she wanted a hug

view all 527,938 comments

yourusername you literally ASKED me to hug you because you were cold…

cmpulisic you have no proof of that

pulisicsgirl1 wait maybe they are together???

benchilwell she’s clinging to your arm like a koala🤣

pulisfuturewife i know i’m a Puli fan acc, but i think we lost her😔

y/nsluver THAT SHOULD BE ME

yourbestfriend hey yourusername left your OTHER best friend here… alone… waiting for you to come back…

cmpulisic you’ll be fine

yourusername you’ll survive

y/nfan8 NOT MASON LIKING THIS POST💀

y/nsfuturewife i hope he’s screaming & crying rn

y/nfan3 “and i hope it hurts like hell”

yourusername

liked by cmpulisic, sabrinacarpenter, and 8,937,262 others

yourusername youuuu make me feel like a teenager in loveeee

tagged: cmpulisic

view all 3,832,950 comments

cmpulisic oh we’re still doing the song lyric thing?

cmpulisic how about… “and you’ll save all your dirtiest jokes for me”

yourusername im proud of u for referencing mother

yourbestfriend i’m not even lying guys, i wasn’t expecting this either

y/nsluver FINALLY

sabrinacarpenter so happy for you, girly 🫶🏼

y/nupdates you look so happy🥹

cartiamallan you haven’t been this happy in a long time. so happy for u 🤍

y/nfan5 she finally got her happy ending aww🥹

that’s it for the smau mini series for now! if i happen to think of (or if one of you can come up with a good concept) i may or may not continue this. i’m a sucker for some bestfriends to lovers so this was just me being a bit self indulgent 🤭

[prettyoddfever]

I used to think that Spencer had a specific vision for the cello part of IWSNT that was inspired by Eleanor Rigby. This was just my own random conspiracy theory back then btw so it doesn't hold any actual weight. But hear me out...

So a big part of AFYCSO was created in the studio in summer 2005. The band talked a lot about how they bounced ideas off of each other and the fact that they had such varied musical tastes helped the album become what it is. Ryan wrote most of the lyrics, but the whole band was involved in creating the songs & music.

Ryan told East Coast Rocker in spring 2006 that “We all had so many ideas, and we were so excited that the songs just came out. The first half of the record is comprised of the first set of songs we wrote as a band.

Brendon said in summer 2006 that "For the first half, we wrote the music first and then [Ryan] wrote lyrics to sort of fit the feel. For the second half, the songs, Ryan would write lyrics like this storytelling kind of picture. We would write music based around that."

Brendon told Hearts & Sleeves in early 2006: "The way it comes out I guess is just a product of everybody in the band having huge similarities in music but we also listen to a lot of different stuff.... A lot of that was Ryan would pop up and be like ‘I think it could do this’ and Iʼd be like ‘whoah’ and Iʼd add some pop to it. Itʼs just a mix of different combinations of where we come from."

Ryan told PlayMusic in August 2006: “Between us we had a lot of influences so we just thought, ‘let’s use them all!’”

Ryan talked to Helio at the end of the Fever era about the songwriting process for the first album: “when I had a little bit of the music and lyrics finished, I would bring it to Spencer and Brendon and we would all finish the songs together.”

The point is that they were all contributing to creating the songs (ok Brent not as much lol). Moving on...

The band said that they mostly worked on the songs in the order that they appeared on the album and that they tracked all of their music parts separately (ex: they said they started tracking drum parts in late June, the bass parts were done by early July, and then they moved onto guitar). The verses for IWSNT were written a few days before they finished recording around the third week of July, but they worked on other parts of IWSNT earlier that month too.

Brendon's livejournal post on July 3rd had the title "i look at all the lonely people…"

Ryan mentioned several times over the years that Spencer introduced him to The Beatles while the band was in the studio. Ryan specifically picked Eleanor Rigby as a "song that changed my life" for Kerrang Magazine and said “I started really getting into The Beatles when we were recording [AFYCSO]. Our drummer, Spencer, started playing me some of their stuff."

I used to like to think that Spencer played Eleanor Rigby to point out the cello part and then that was where a tiny bit of the inspiration for the sound of IWSNT came from. Obviously Spencer could have played Eleanor Rigby for any number of reasons, sooo I guess the only actual solid takeaway is that that song *possibly* inspired the band while they were in the studio (and then they went on to cover it during the NRWC tour).

[leclsrc]

CONGRATS ON 2K!!!i have a request for carlos- Resting their head on their partner's shoulder. Maybe they're tired, they need comfort for some reason, or they're just craving closeness to someone.

i knew you – cs55

genre: fluff...., 2k celebration, title from this

resting their head on their partner's shoulder. Maybe they're tired, they need comfort for some reason, or they're just craving closeness to someone.

Carlos has been singing slurred lyrics of a Luis Miguel song for the past ten minutes.

You should’ve expected this—it’s the effect of him getting a few too many cocktails into his system. You’d spotted him at the bar with Zhou taste-testing a few glasses that quickly evolved into several shots, and the rest is history. No, the rest is a Luis Miguel song, actually. 

His head’s been on your bare shoulder the whole time, voice occasionally thinning out into a whisper, signaling he’s getting sleepy. Then he starts all over again with renewed vigor, words leaving him in passionate Spanish. And it wasn’t for lack of trying, in your defense—many attempts to push him off or quiet him were made, became successful for just a minute, and then he was back.

The driver you’d called to pick you both up and drive you to the hotel is stuck in traffic, slowing his arrival by a few minutes at the least, which means the valet officers at the waiting area have become the not-so-willing spectators to the free concert. Your hell is short-lived when you see it pulling up right in front of you.

“Carlos,” you whisper. “Come on, get up.”

“Ay,” he says, words jagged and garbled. “Aún no. Dame—dame un beso borracho primero.”

You don’t understand it, but you’re in Ibiza, so the valet officers do, a light wave of giggles floating amongst them. You shrug it off and clutch his hand, guiding him to the car. “Come on,” you urge again. “Please, Carlos, I—just get in.”

He nods, still drunk, but heeding your orders and collapsing into the backseat. He refuses to let go of your hand, even after his fuzzy brain seems to have registered your irritance at having to tote him around like a child. He squeezes it, not too tight, a silent apology. You recite the hotel name.

“Could you hurry, a bit, too?” You ask, rechecking the texts you’d sent. “Please. Somebody’s waiting for us, is all.”

The driver hums in polite acknowledgement, and Ibiza becomes a blurry mess through the glass. A chill creeps up your back at Carlos’ hand holding yours so tightly, electricity coursing through the rest of you. He’s stopped singing—he did ever since he entered the car—but he’s lucid still, eyes darting around the landscape. 

Spurred by the tipsiness, his head comes crashing on your shoulder again. Then, “I think of you when I sing that song.”

You pretend not to hear, but your silence is permissive. “I don’t know how to say it properly. But I miss you all the time. I miss you right now. You’re just right beside me. It—it, what do you call it, quemar? Oh, it burns me.”

Still you’re quiet. It’s the alcohol, you tell yourself. The alcohol, the party lights, the Ibiza of it all. He’s speaking nonsense. You’re okay. You squeeze his hand, to quell his words.

“I love you,” he says. 

“We’re here,” you respond, letting go. You push the heavy door open and this time, you don’t offer a helping hand, walking into the lobby and listening for his wobbly, following footsteps. And you think, with a damning pain—whatever happened, the inkling of something; all that’s over now.

You look up, and his girlfriend is the first to see you, face etched with concern.

“Oh, God. Carlos!” She clasps a hand over her mouth and jogs to him, passing you by and bringing him into her arms. She kisses his cheek, asks if he’s okay, what the hell did he drink? They exchange words in Spanish, and you pause, eyeing them. The way he nods, says he loves her, the way her hands cup his neck. You watch quietly, meekly, you tell yourself.

But you know longingly is the better word.

“Thank you for taking care of him,” she says, approaching you, Carlos’ arm slung over her shoulders. You don’t meet his eyes.

“It’s no problem,” you croak. “Sorry for the bother.”

“Nonsense.” She beams. “You’re a great friend.”

[star-girl69]

Ultraviolence

Natalie Scatorccio x Fem!Reader

—-

a/n: i don’t have an explanation for this either. enjoy it while it lasts. i hope you all enjoy!!

side note but this is the chapter that started it all!!!!!!!!! it’s gonna be a long one. i thought of the title ultraviolence and then what happens and this chapter title is what came from it.

*if you’re curious, the title comes from the lyric “jim taught me that loving him was never enough”

warnings: reader gets punched (sorry i had to give y’all a true y/n moment), lottie gets brutally beat up by shauna, mentions of blood and such, i’m sure you all remember this scene….., swearing ofc, kissing, allusions to hot and heaviness lol, mentions of infant death, then actual described death, knives, attempted murder, like a lot of violence, cannibalism!!!!!!!, ritualistic sacrificing, ITS HERE Y’ALL, Y’ALL KNOW WHATS HAPPENING, tell me if i missed anything!!

Chapter Thirty One - Loving Her Was Never Enough

Chapter Thirty One - Loving Her Was Never Enough

—-

1996-

The days after the birth are startling. You know what is should feel like. You should be fussing around the baby, you should be complaining when he wakes you up in the middle of the night, but it’s just not.

The cabin is silent, you think maybe for the first time since you’ve been here. Silent. Eerily silent.

Shauna lays in the same bed she gave birth in, Tai sits next to her, and it’s all shrouded in this hazy layer of grief and anger and death. Everyone is just silent.

You sit on the chair by the window, Natalie at your feet, laying her head in your lap and you run your fingers over her blonde hair. Her roots are so bad now, but there is really nothing you can do. You wonder if it bothers her. She’s always hinted that she dyed her hair for a reason. You wonder if it haunts her now.

You watch Tai mutter forget Shauna about drinking something, but she turns around, he’s still in her arms, and she’s still silent. She hasn’t spoken a word since she woke up and held his little frozen body.

“Lottie?” you hear Tai ask. You look up from Nat’s blonde hair. “Do you see something?”

Lottie stands from the chair next to Shauna. “The snow. It finally stopped.”

Everyone sits up, now slightly eager to at least get out of this cursed and death-riddled cabin.

Travis and a few other girls quickly move, grabbing onto each other and the door, pulling and pulling while you grab Nat’s hand and wait for it to finally just burst open, like a bird waiting for their cage to open. Even if the hand coming in only brings food, you will bite and bite to get out.

And it does, it cracks open with a sickening crunch, snow spilling out like a tsunami.

“Holy shit,” Nat smiles, and you squeeze her hand, someone mutters about grabbing a bucket, and God at least you’re out. At least you can flap your wings, even if they’re not strong enough to get you out of the wilderness.

—-

You spend most of the day just floating around with Natalie. It’s peaceful, as much as you can get out here, your feet crunching through the snow and her hand in yours. Shauna buries her baby. Lottie, Misty, Akilah, Mari and Tai go out to search for Crystal after Misty conjures up some speech about their duty to find her even in the wake of his death.

You can’t do it, you can’t do anything except for ignore it and be here with Natalie.

—-

Much later, you’re all gathered around the fire, the search efforts abandoned for the day. Your hand is in Nat’s lap while she stares into the fire, and you’re listening to Misty go on about Crystal.

It made you feel bad for her, her cries and her speech, no matter how many looks Tai sends you about entertaining her, you can’t stop. Can’t take this from her. Even if the rumors being spread are that Misty murdered Crystal are true… you can’t. Because you don’t know.

If the rumors are fake and she’s really hurting… it doesn’t kill you to let her talk.

“And she was always singing,” Misty coos. “Always singing.” She starts humming along to a song you don’t recognize, but it is catchy.

“I’m sorry, Misty,” you say when she done. “Crystal is so wonderful… I hope you know that we’re here for you, and I’m sure she’s out there.” Lies taste bitter on your tongue.

She presses her hand to her chest, suppressing another cry, grabbing your hand and squeezing. When she moves onto the next victim, Natalie bumps your shoulder.

“You’re so nice to everyone. It makes me sick.”

“I’m just an angel, really,” you hold your hands above your head in a circle, a faux halo.

She smiles and grabs your hands, kissing your knuckles. “My angel. My nightshade.”

You grin stupidly because this girl really is your everything, and draw her in for a sweet kiss. Her mouth against yours is the same and yet wildly different every time. The way you fit together is always the same, like puzzle pieces, like you were made for each other. But the way she makes you feel each time your kiss varies.

Some times, like this, you’re just so happy you smile against her and your heart is just warm. Other times, your clash together hot and heavy, mouths open and teeth smashing, and she makes your entire body feel hot. Sometimes she just holds you so tight you know that there will never be anyone else for you- you just feel so completely and utterly hers, and better for it.

Van makes a gagging sound on the other side of the haphazard circle. You pull away with matching smiles, Nat shooting Van an unimpressed look.

“You and Tai are just as bad.”

The two girls look at each other before dramatically grabbing each other’s faces and pretending to roughly kiss, making you laugh. You adjust to turn towards them and not just Natalie, accidentally knocking over your cup of water onto the floor.

“Oh, shit,” you murmur. There wasn’t a lot in it, but still enough for you to warrant grabbing a spare rag to soak it up.

Nat rubs your knee as you stand, the door opening as you do and Shauna filing in. She obviously doesn’t want to be talked to. You feel bad, but you won’t force her to do something she’s not ready to do.

You stand up, humming Crystal’s song to yourself, heading for the rag on the table Melissa sits at.

“Why are you singing that?”

It takes you a second to realize Shauna’s talking to you. She’s turned completely towards you, something like hate festering in her features. It scares you.

You look towards Natalie, who looks just as confused as you.

You stare at Shauna like a deer in headlights.

“Where did you hear that song?”

“Um, uh, Crystal,” you breathe. “Misty was telling me-”

She comes towards you so quick no one can do anything to stop it. Her fists connects with your cheek, hard and uncoordinated because of her anger, and God does it fucking hurt.

You yelp and curl in on yourself, pressing your hand to your face and falling against the door.

“You killed my fucking baby!”

The sentence is the most terrifying thing you have ever heard. You barely even helped. You barely even helped.

Natalie is next to you in a second, you’re crying, she’s yelling and Shauna and whispering- Stop, Shauna! She did everything she could- Y/N, Y/N, baby, are you okay? Are you okay? Where does it hurt? Where does it hurt?

She presses her hands against your face, you hear the rage in Shauna’s voice and you’re terrified, you can’t catch your breath.

“No, shut up! You all fucking ate my baby!”

Shauna is beyond rationality. You look past Nat and see the pure hatred, the insanity in Shauna’s brown eyes. Van and Akilah are trying to hold her back.

She’s making no sense.

“I saw you! You were covered in blood!”

“Shauna, stop it!” Tai screeches. “You’re acting insane!”

Van suddenly yells and pulls her arm away. “Ow! God, she fucking bit me!”

Akilah let’s go of her, but Lottie is in front of Shauna now.

There’s tense moment. The entire room breathes heavily. She stops for just a moment.

Shauna grunts and punches Lottie in the face.

You flinch on principal and Natalie presses herself closer to you.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” she says, craning her neck to watch. You stare past her, entranced by the piece of rage that seems to have taken over Shauna.

Where did it start, you wonder? Her heart? Her lungs? Her liver?

Lottie brushes her hair out of her face and locks her hands behind her back.

“Travis, take Javi to the bedroom.”

You realize what’s about to happen.

“Lot?” Van asks, but she knows too.

“Shauna…” Lottie breathes, “I know there’s a lot of pain right now. Let it out.” No one moves. “Shauna, we need you, let it out.”

She swings. She meets her mark. Lottie staggers back but comes right back for more.

You breathe in.

Shauna hits her again and Lottie falls to the floor. She kicks her in the back. Again, again, again, again and again and Lottie jolts each time.

Natalie’s hands are shaking against you. Her nails dig into your sides where she now holds you. You’re breathing so much and not enough you don’t know how your lungs are still working.

Shauna climbs on top of Lottie and flips her over. She hits her. She hits her. She hits her. She screams and screams. And she hits her. She hits her. She fucking hits her until Lottie is passed out and unrecognizable, her face is bloated and bloody.

And no one does anything.

Finally, Shauna falls next to her, breathing heavily. She lays there and breathes. You’re not sure you breathe. Shauna sits up and looks at her.

“Lottie.” She doesn’t move. Of course she doesn’t. “Lottie.”

Lottie spits out blood. Then she breathes in. Laying on the floor, covered in blood, you swear you see the shape of white antlers in the fire behind her.

Shauna stands up and walks towards you. Natalie throws you behind her, but Shauna doesn’t look at you, she just walks past you and out the door.

Everybody rushes towards Lottie.

“What the fuck,” Nat breathes. “What the fuck.”

You press your burning face against her chest, cheek still imprinted with Shauna’s knuckles, and you cry. You cry.

—-

Akilah finds a mouse. She talks to it and it brings her comfort. She cries when Taissa shows her it’s not real.

—-

There’s blood everywhere. This wasn’t like Jackie. This is raw and disgusting. It tastes so bad and feels so good. You don’t stop until you’ve eaten what must be his entire arm. You’re all eating, you’re all moaning and groaning like you did that cold night with her.

There’s no smoke in the air this time to hide your sins.

Shauna runs in, there’s blood on your face and metallic in your mouth. She knows what happened. You don’t bother to wipe your face.

Shauna screams.

You wake up screaming, everyone is annoyed with you and groaning. You cry into Natalie’s arms. She says your name over and over again.

“I’m sorry, Shauna. I’m so sorry, Shauna. I’m so sorry.”

—-

You lean against Nat, the two of you sitting on the long bench against the wall, Coach Ben on the other end. The two of you have felt like a package deal lately. Sometimes you look at Shauna and you remember her rage and you feel your aching cheek- and you’re scared. You’re so scared.

Natalie looks at Shauna like she’s poison.

You don’t know why, you don’t know how, but you know the dream you had is not just what your mind conjured up. Somehow, someway, you know you saw what Shauna saw.

And that scares you so bad you don’t even tell Natalie. But she doesn’t ask, she just holds you through the nightmares, she holds you when Shauna’s near, she holds you when you remember.

You feel useless and stupid but you can’t get it out of your head. She doesn’t make you. You savor it a little longer until the next tragedy happens.

Nat squeezes your side unknowingly. You follow the sight line of her harsh glare and find Shauna picking up a blanket at Gen’s feet. Nat grabs your leg and hooks it over hers, she brings you closer.

“Sure,” Gen says sarcastically. “Go ahead.”

“You’re not using it and Lottie’s cold.”

“Now you give a shit about Lottie?” Melissa asks.

“Hey!” Van shouts, standing slowly. “Lottie took it from her to protect us. Don’t let that be for nothing.”

Shauna looks down. She looks at Gen and Melissa, and then she walks away.

Natalie’s voice is hushed when she speaks.

“Maybe Lottie dying wouldn’t be the worst thing.”

She moves her hand from your waist to the side of your head, pressing you further into her shoulder. Like she can just fold you into her, eat you up and keep you safe from this cruel wilderness. You wish you could do the same to her.

You know she’s not talking to you. You listen anyways.

“I mean, if she’s in pain, then… yeah. Maybe for the best,” is Coach Ben’s answer. The wilderness has forced you to talk about life and death like it is nothing. You wonder what special hell awaits all of you for squandering this gift.

Nat scratches your scalp. “Everyone’s just so… I don’t know. They’ve changed, because of her. It’s like she has some weird control over them or something.”

“Sounds like you’re jealous.”

“Right,” she says, and you could almost smile at the sarcasm in her voice. “Even Javi’s gone to the dark side.

“Oh, come on, Nat. He doesn’t even talk.”

Remembering Javi and everything he’s been through makes you feel sick.

“He doesn’t have to.” You feel her turn to look at Coach. “I saw him, like, bowing to a symbol tree the other day.”

“Which tree was it?”

“Hm, not far from the creek.”

You can feel Coach Ben realize something that terrifies him.

—-

Mari hears the dripping again, the dripping she’s been hearing for a while. Mari sees something. She screams. She says they’re dead. She cries when Taissa tells her nothing is there.

—-

When Natalie tells you of her plan to make Javi gloves, you say the first words you’ve said in three days that’s not panicked whispering in the middle of the night after a nightmare.

“Let me help.”

You do one glove and she does the other, managing to scrape together the materials- you’re grateful for Home-Ec classes now.

Faintly, you realize that Nat was in your class too. She sat in the back and was barely there, to be fair, but she was there. She was there before you knew to look for her. And that should seem sweet but it’s cruel, because it’s less time you could’ve spent looking at her.

You sit by Nat’s feet as she gives him the gift.

“They’re not that pretty.”

They’re beautiful because they were touched by her.

“And they don’t change color in the cold or anything.”

There’s magic in just being able to make Javi smile.

“But they might help.”

You watch him smile as he puts them on. You gesture towards him and he holds out his hands, letting you admire your handiwork on their final resting place. You smile. You smile and he smiles back. You turn his hands over before folding them up and squeezing them.

“Beautiful,” you whisper. Nat smiles.

You look up at her, but she’s not smiling anymore. She’s staring at him. At Travis.

“Need something?” she says. He leans against the doorway.

“No.”

He brushes his hair back and sits in Javi’s old place. You hate how uncomfortable Nat looks.

“You’re a good person. You’re both good people. And I’m sorry for… for ever making you feel otherwise.” Nat stares off over your head.

You stare at him. You grab his hand. Travis, Travis and Nat and you. That’s it.

It takes her a second, but she places her hand over yours and his.

—-

Not quite asleep yet, not quite awake, you lean against the wall together while you wait for someone to turn off the lantern. Nat is already asleep, her head in your lap, your hands again in her blonde hair.

Misty creaks down the ladder, Akilah scrambles from her sheets.

“Hey, how’s Lottie?”

“She’s, um…”

Your stomach drops, everyone sits up. Nat sits up, your hands fall from her hair.

“She said, um, if she dies… she wants us to make use of her. To stay alive.”

“Did she really say that? She must be really fucking sick.”

“I can’t imagine being here without her,” Van says, like it’s final. Like she won’t accept it.

“Me either,” Shauna says.

“Then let’s not.” Mari sits up. “Lottie isn’t gonna die. The wilderness won’t let her die.”

“It may not want her to, but if she’s starving… there’s no way she’s gonna live,” Travis says. He’s now sitting up next to you. You look at him.

“The same is true for all of us.” Nat says, her hand finds yours.

It’s for you, the way her fingers intertwine with her say. It’s for you, it’s for us, it’s for what we have.

Taissa sits up after a moment.

“Okay. We need to find a way to stay alive.” There is a deadly sort of focus, of a promise in her eyes. “And it can’t be her.”

—-

They set up the bone, the candle, the knife, all of it the same way they did during Shauna’s birth. That time, you were trying to save someone. This time, you’re trying to kill someone.

You watch them. You lean against the wall with Natalie.

“Nat,” you whisper, and it startles her because it’s been so hard for you to talk. “I’m scared. Why are we doing this? I… I dont want to die, Nat-”

“Shh,” she whispers, her hand on your face. “Not you. Not you, never you.”

And for some reason it comforts you.

Going into this circle means the chance to eat and the chance to die. But the hunger, hunger that you never thought a person could feel before, it hurts so bad you would do anything to stop it. It’s not you, it’s survival. It’s the primitive part of your brain your starving body reverts to, the part that would do anything to stay alive.

Most of the time that means fighting and killing animals. But there’s no animals to kill in these woods. There’s only humans. There’s only your friends.

The circle forms. Van flips through the cards before finding one. She holds it up. It’s the Queen of Hearts. The implication is silent but deadly. Whoever draws that card is the one who dies.

You watch her shuffle them. You’ve never been religious, but fear will turn you into whatever you have to be. You pray, even though some part of you thinks it’s no use, and a bigger part of you is too desperate to stop.

The circle is eerie and silent.

Some deep part of you screams to stop this. Screams for rationality, screams for any other way.

But you are beyond rationality. Nothing about this is rational or normal. This hunger is nothing short of a God-like experience- how can you want something so much that you would kill for it? How powerful could an emotion be that you would do this?

You’re staring down the jaws of death, the scent hitting your face, and you’re throwing someone else into the endlessness of its throat.

Van holds out the cards, face down, and Misty steps forward. She grabs the card at the top, her head level, eyes pointed down, she smiles and breathes in.

Misty spins around with her card, and everyone can see that she’s safe, this time, that it’s not the Queen.

Misty grabs the deck from Van and turns to Akilah. She stares at Misty, innocence in her eyes, but she grabs the card.

She doesn’t outwardly show what card she drew, not until she flips it around and places it over her heart.

Misty turns to Van. She isn’t subtle about it, she doesn’t wanna wait, she grabs the card quick and shows it to everyone. Not the Queen.

Shauna’s turn.

You can’t breathe. The hesitance is gone, everyone just wants to get it out with. You can’t breathe. You can’t breathe. You find Nat’s hand and you squeeze so hard it must hurt, but she just squeezes right back.

Shauna does not draw the Queen.

Travis’s turn. You’re scared. You’re so scared, you love Travis- but he doesn’t draw the Queen either.

Tai doesn’t.

Melissa doesn’t.

Javi doesn’t. He runs to Travis, who hugs him and says it’s okay, but it’s not okay. You all know this is no okay, this is insane, but you’re too far in it to stop.

Misty holds out the cards to you. Oh. Oh, it’s your turn.

Natalie shuffles closer to you. You take it, you take it and you pray and pray that you’re not the one who’s throat will get cut today. You want to live, you want to live so bad it’s like a fire in your bones.

You flip the card over.

Eight of Hearts.

You hold the card up to your chest, you feel Natalie let out a breath. Your lips quirk upward. You’re safe. And Natalie will be too.

Misty holds out the cards to her. You hold her hand. You know it won’t be the Queen. You know it won’t be. It can’t be, because you love her.

You love Natalie, so she can’t die.

She takes her time. She breathes in heavily. She’s slow to draw the card, like she’s pushing through something invisible in the air. But she’s not fighting to get it, something is pulling her back, rationality.

She draws the card close to her. She flips it. You can’t see it. She holds the card up to her chest.

You love her and it can’t be the Queen. You love her and it can’t.

Everyone gasps in horror but it takes a second for it to sink in for you. Time doesn’t work in the wilderness. Your lungs don’t work now.

The theory that oxygen is poison that takes a hundred years to kill a human? It must be true. And the origin of that poison must come from these woods, because you can’t breathe.

“No.” It’s the only word you can think to say. “No, no, no, no, no, no,” you repeat, frantic, you’re climbing up the walls, you press your hands to your face.

Natalie doesn’t look at anyone. She accepts it, she takes a step forward.

“NO!” you yell, you grab onto her, she grabs onto you. You thought it wouldn’t be her. You knew it wouldn’t be her. What is the point of this mess of the future being slowly revealed to you if you can’t save the girl you love?

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” she’s shaking and crying, you’re sobbing against her warm body. “It’s not you, it’s not you.”

You dig your fingers into her shoulder’s, she has to keep you standing.

“It’s not you. It’s not you. It’s not you.”

“I won’t eat you,” you cry into her neck.

No one bothers you for this one moment. They let you have this.

“Yes, you will.”

“I won’t!” you shout, but it fades out and you’re just crying again.

Van and Mari grab your arms. Natalie let’s go of you. It’s the worst betrayal you have ever felt.

How can she do this to you? How can she do this?

“Please, please, please,” you cry, but their grip on you is too tight. You watch her walk forward.Shauna meets her in the middle. You can hear her breathing heavily, it’s silent for a moment, your mind hasn’t realized this is happening yet.

“Turn around,” Shauna says.

“I love her,” you cry. “I love her, I love her and you can’t do this, please don’t do this, please don’t-”

Nat turns around and looks at you. You can barely see her through your tears.

Shauna wrap’s Jackie’s gold necklace around her neck. She grabs the knife.

“I love her,” you say, almost resigned. “I love you.”

She looks at you. Shauna brings the knife to her throat.

“Wait. Wait,” she grabs the knife. She turns around. Her words are shaky. She’s scared. She’s scared too.“You’re gonna have to look me in the eye.”

Shauna presses the knife to her throat, they’re both crying, you really truly can’t breathe. Your mind catches up.

“Travis! Travis, Travis please, please, I love her you can’t- you can’t-” he stares at the floor and doesn’t look at you. You dissolve into sobs. That’s all you are. Sadness, grief, rage, insanity.

Misty walks over in front of you, you can’t tell what she’s feeling. You can’t decipher her face through the tears clouding your vision.

“I love her, I love her… please…”

Misty’s face hardens. “It’s not enough.”

Your heart breaks, you swear you can feel it break.

“We need food more than we need love.”

“You sick, twisted bitch! You fucking psycho! I know what you did, I know what you did!”

The sound of metal breaking. Misty’s labored breaths. The sound of a body hitting the ground. Screaming.

Who am I? You have no answer. Not anymore.

“You stupid fucking bitch,” you laugh, you cry, “You stupid, stupid girl. They’re gonna know, they’re gonna find out-”

“Shut up!” Misty yells, slapping you and you’re suddenly silent by the shock of it. “Shauna, go.”

You cry. You cry, because Natalie is not here to hold your cheek. She held you until the next tragedy happened, and you never expected this next tragedy to be her.

The knife is at her neck. You love her and the knife is at her neck.

Travis yells and barrels into Shauna. The next moment is a whirlwind, Van and Mari let go of you in favor of Travis, Misty takes their place.

Nat meets your eyes in the second of chaos.

“Run!” And she does.

“No! No, she’s getting away!” Misty screeches.

She runs right out the door, Travis fights and fights, but eventually the girls manage to pin him to the wall. Mari holds the knife to his throat. They all run out the door. Misty drops you and you fall to the ground.

There’s a sound.

You realize they’re howling. This is not a chase, it’s a hunt.

Travis is breathing heavily, you’re slumped against the ground, you look at Javi.

He survived. He survived for so long.

You stand up, you stagger towards him, you place your hands on his face.

“You know, Javi. You know, you know where she can hide, under- under the tree, you have- you have to-”

He looks into your eyes. He looks at Travis.

“Javi,” he breathes.

And Javi runs out the door. The girls don’t even recognize the danger. They don’t stop him.

There is an advantage to bring so young. You are never perceived as a threat. You are never really seen, not for what you are.

“Y/N, w-what’s under the tree?”

The girls holding him to the wall are frozen in time.

You stare at the floor.

“Sanctuary,” you whisper.

—-

You wait outside. You hear her footsteps. “Natalie, Natalie,” you day her name over and over again, running into her open arms.

“I knew it wouldn’t be you. I knew it wouldn’t be you.”

You press her so close against you it’s like you’re glued together. You breathe out and look towards the wilderness.

“Natalie!” Travis shouts, you here his footsteps behind you.

You watch as they carry his body like a dead animal, hanging by a stick.

Natalie presses her hands against the back of your head. “Travis. It… it’s happened so fast…”

“No,” he whispers. You can’t look at him but you can feel him.

“The wilderness chose,” she breathes.

“No. No! No!” he runs past you and towards where they have dumped his frozen body.

He was wearing the gloves you made for him.

You press your face against her neck. You can hear her breathe. You can feel her arms around you. For right now, that has to be enough.

Travis screams and cries as you and Natalie go inside.

—-

Natalie feels guilty. That’s the only emotion she can name. She feels more than that, of course, she feels this deep devotion to Y/N that’s more than love, she feels grateful but not quite that she’s still alive, and she feels scared but also knowing.

Y/N keeps saying that she knew. She knew it wasn’t Natalie. And Natalie doesn’t know why but she believes her. She’s starting to realize that too much has happened in the wilderness for there not to be something more. Something here.

She doesn’t tell Y/N, but she talks in her sleep. Little whispers, so only Nat can hear them. She talks about antlers. And you’re scared, you’re shaking, but you never quite wake up. And most of the time Nat just touches her face and wonders what she’s dreaming about.

She needed to be out here in the cold woods, gathering firewood. She needed to be out here, away from everyone in that cabin who tried to kill her.

When she offered to go and you grabbed her hand, looked up at her eyes, she suddenly realizes that she almost lost herself- and you almost lost her too. She would go crazy if you had been the one to draw the Queen card.

But she needs to think.

She tells you she loves you, because she heard you, while Shauna had that knife to her throat, she heard you. She wraps the blankets around you and leaves and says she’ll come back and she will.

She makes her way back to the cabin. The smell of blood is so strong, she wants to turn back but she doesn’t.

She hears him just as she sees him. His breathing is terrified. He turns around and starts hobbling as fast as he can, away from the cabin.

“Coach,” she breathes. “Where have you been?”

His eyes soften. “Natalie. W-what happened?”

She stares at him. She knows he sees the horror in her eyes. The memories in her eyes. She can’t say it.

“O-Okay, okay, okay, listen. I figured out where Javi was hiding, all right? I-I think that you, me and Y/N together could probably survive the winter.”

She looks him up and down.

“Hey, do you hear me?”

Her face hardens.

“You don’t have to stay here. You’re not one of them. Both of you aren’t like the rest of these girls.”

“Actually, I’m worse.”

It feels good to say it.

“How can you say that?” he says, genuinely confused, almost betrayed.

“I let him die in my place.”

There are tears in his eyes.

“It was supposed to be me.” He stares at her. She feels guilty, guilty for shattering her perfect vision of him.

“F-fine. Fine, fine. You don’t- you don’t have to go. Y/N and I-”

“She knows things, Coach. She knows things. Doomcoming, Lottie told me that soon, we’ll all see if the way she sees it. She whispers in her sleep about antlers, she gets scared when nothings there, and she… today, she told Misty that she knew what she did. And Misty was scared.”

She can see everything crash around him.

“You’re a good person, Coach. You really don’t belong in this place.”

She stares at him and he stares right back. Something breaks, the friendship they had.

Something breaks.

—-

1997-

Your hair is knotted, matted in places. You cannot remember the last time you touched a hairbrush. They made you shower but there’s still dirt under your fingernails and in between your toes.

You keep your head towards the ground, the flashing lights of cameras ringing in your eyes and ears, feeling her hand in yours and someone’s hand on your shoulder, guiding you forward, shouting for everyone to step back.

But they don’t listen. The are journalists. Paparazzi. They want this new story like you wanted meat. They are hungry, just like you.

You don’t even realize you’re climbing the steps of a plane, just like you did that day in 1996. The worst has already happened to you.

Lottie screams and you do not even flinch. Even while the cameras stop flashing, everyone falls silent. It doesn’t scare you, not anymore.

You have heard this scream a thousand times before. From a thousand different mouths.

—-

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@emilynissangtr

[yuseirra]

I've been thinking over this god thing over and there's another idea I have related to it!

Earlier I've said that ame-no-uzume(god of the arts) and her husband sarutahiko(the great bright god) may be related to Ai and Hikaru.

Their story might also have been inspired from Izanagi and Izanami and they're very famous, so I believe I wouldn't have to explain a whole lot, (and I bet there are people who know it in more depth) but.. Izanagi and Izanami (the creator gods of Japanese Mythology) have Amaterasu(the sun god), Tsukuyomi(the moon god) and Susanoo(the god of the sea and storms) as their children. Ruby has something to do with Amaterasu and we have a girl who goes by Tsukuyomi as a character, Aqua, with the full name being "Aquamarine" has a name that has to do with the sea.

The reason I've brought this up is because of the lore between Izanagi and Izanami. Izanami dies, and Izanagi tries to bring her back to life but fails. It rings a bell, right?

Yes, this story of theirs also aligns with the things that have been mentioned in Mephisto and Fatal. Those songs revolve around a person who desperately wants to meet their love again (who's likely passed away) but cannot.

I've been wondering just why the ED's title was named Mephisto. Mephisto is the name of the devil, right? When you have a wish and the devil in the same picture, it means there's some kind of pact.

If the person singing in the song's been kamiki (which I've been pretty much stressing over and over through multiple posts now) it'd mean he's had gone through something like that too, to revive the one he loves.

This could be why there is a "stage" that's mentioned in BOTH of the songs, he's in a deal that he can't back out from.

この舞台で足掻くことをやめない

I will not stop to struggle on this stage(Fatal)

だけどステージが逃がさない いついつまでも憧れ　焦がれているよ

But the stage won’t let go I'll keep yearning and longing forever(Mephisto)

At this point, I'm so sure kamiki HAS done something to bring Ai back. He's made some sort of sacrifice for Ai it seems, he's probably made wishes regarding it, that come with a price but he didn't really care about his life in the first place after she's gone so he was willing to risk it. The efforts were probably in vain, though. But it could be really close to being granted if something's "filled in"

あなたがいないと生きていけない 何もかも捧げてしまってもいい あなたの愛がまだ足らない 欠けたものは何で埋めたらいい？

Without you, I cannot live anymore I would sacrifice anything for you I can’t get enough of your love What should I use to fill in what’s missing?(Fatal)

compared to Mephisto, Fatal seems more.. eager? energetic? but in an insane way. The speaker is actively doing something to fulfill their end goal. That's why I feel kamiki's missions are probably close to finish- he's all right with dying after having completed it

but in ch 154 he's heard that Ai wants to "help him" along with her children. and that she loved him dearly. This is going to leave him so devastated and conflicted lol because he's probably way past hope at this point. He can't be saved. He can't fulfill what Ai wants, that's going to make him very miserable. That's my guess. It's like everything he's doing had him stray even further off from what Ai wants.

Or it could be that he can't give up on Ai EVEN MORE now since he KNOWS that she loves him back too. Who'd give up on someone like that? She was like the only person who understood him and loved him. I can totally see why he couldn't let her go after all these years (may it be twisted. there is still some ambiguity in his words and we can be backstabbed) she was the one for him and he was to her, too, at least that's how he's felt when they were together. So he'd do ANYTHING for her. That lines up very well with those lyrics too.

So yeah. If my speculations are right Kamiki's so doomed... and doomed because of all the things he did that he thought was for Ai. Aligns with the respective mythologies too~.. I'd be surprised if these have NOTHING to do with the plot that's going to be revealed in the future because it just WORKS. It starts making so much sense to me.