#for real. need to unpack what 2024 did to my brain

[hoofpeet]

I may have some sort of emotional regulation problem

[chipped-chimera]

Just wanna say sorry to people over the past month ... months? That tagged me in WIP Wednesdays, I'm sorry I haven't really been doing much of anything creatively, feeling kinda rough 💀 But thank you so much of thinking of me, I love seeing everything that you do!

Partial? Explaination/Life Update under the cut I guess.

Hi! Hello. First off, thanks for being interested. It warms my heart people care about me so much, that I've made an impact and people are happy to see my stuff. I wish so badly I could be making stuff like this all the time! Doing those things (whether art, or modding or just my dumb screenshots) and seeing people enjoy what I was making really got me through the hardest parts of this year.

This year has been a massive turning point in many ways. It just hit me I MADE this blog this year like, holy shit guys! I've felt so welcome in the Cyberpunk 2077 space and consider a lot of people my friends, whether we talk outside Tumblr or not. I'm just so happy to see your posts and your thoughts! 💖 For someone who just through how life shook out to end up really socially isolated irl, you guys have helped form the bedrock of a place I can come back to that always makes me feel better.

It's why I wish I did more. That I could contribute to that more and in turn, maybe help someone else as much as it helped me. But it's hard. Really hard.

I have realised a lot of things about my life in recent months, and I think it's a good sign - that I'm in a more solid place mentally to unpack things that have been sitting boxed up for years because I was just too exhausted to deal with them. They've both been great to unpack ... but painful at the same time. It's kind of in moments like these my passion to create things starts to suffer. It's hard to muster up enough motivation sometimes to just do what I want to do because I'm constantly struggling with a brain and body that just doesn't do what I want it to do - and that fact often makes me feel even worse and want to do even less.

I'm kind of stuck in one of these spirals at the moment. I have some idea of the way out but ... I don't know. This might be a period of grief for myself or something. It took me a long time to realise I'd been lying to myself about a lot of things - stuff I'd did out of necessity for survival at the time, basically becoming water and pouring myself into whatever mold I thought would be safe, that people would like me in. Online spaces, that I carefully curate, detached from any real-life connection have been my home in the absence of feeling myself for so long - especially as the world around me shrank.

I'm hoping in the new year, as me and my psychologist start working on the C-PTSD that apparently had roots way, way deeper than I could even imagine - things might get easier. I'm hoping like hell that maybe my fatigue is connected, that it'll ease - because to finally, finally be in a place with a supportive parent who is attentive and I have the words to explain what I need, and for that to be respected - to finally be myself - only to be held back by my brain and body because the damage went so deep I just can't is agonizing.

I'm gonna keep believing that this is just the bottom of this mountain, this turn around point. It's gotta be, I feel like my entire life has been leveled. And I know it's not going to be easy to climb back up there, repair the damage, get where I want to be. I don't even know if I'll get to where I want to be but ... at least I'll be myself. For the first time in my life.

So um. Thank you. For being around. For being my foundation through this. Wish you guys all the best for 2024, and I hope I'll be able to share more cool things with you soon 💜🖤💜🖤💜🖤

Kery

[maviacomic]

Art Retrospective - 2024

Hello! Instead of doing my usual "Year In Review - State of the Art" End of Year Post, I decided to do this 5 Year Retrospective.

I didn't make enough art in 2024 to do a proper Year In Review! The Retrospective helps give me the longer term picture, where you can really see my output just plummet over time. These aren't everything from the years, but these are the color illustrations I did for fun.

I was PROLIFIC in 2020 and 2021, I now feel, haha.

Fears:

That I have lost my drive to do art; I don't feel enough passion for any media to make obsessive fanart, and I don't have any independent creative projects anymore, having lost faith in my first try.

That I reached the "my taste exceeds my abilities" level and I lack the will to power through it and making art now causes me dread and shame instead of fun and pride.

That perhaps this isn't a creative "phase," or burnout that's lasted for 2 years, but perhaps that in my 30's I truly will never get my energy and zeal back.

Hopes:

2024 was really tiring in general. I bought a house and I moved. That is a tiring thing, in any scenario. I spent most weekends house-hunting, and then when I actually found one and had my offer accepted, the REAL work began. I'm wiped! This is a perfectly reasonable and valid explanation for lower productivity. Now that I'm unpacking and settling in, there is plenty of room for hope that I'll have time and energy to draw again.

The "My Taste Exceeds my Ability" problem can be a good thing if I can attitude adjust. I need to change my mental relationship with drawing in 2025. I can see I had the same issues at the end of 2023 from last years write-up. If I'm going to "draw more," I have to not feel so critical about what I make. I'm always going to TRY to draw well, but I need to reframe it somehow - instead of thinking, "well, this isn't as good as I want it, I'm not improving, it looks bad, and I spent ages on it," I need to think Not That. Maybe, "well, that's another practice run in the bank." Not every new artwork has have a focus on improving and challenging myself. Sometimes you can just sketch something fun and comforting. As a treat.

Easier said than done of course! If anyone has any tips to overcoming one's own brain, sage council is welcome.