#for matt: i mean hit in a metaphorical sense you are not being physically hit

[nyancrimew]

the little known oppressed minority of "white guys who wrote some useful open source software two decades ago and successfully turned it into a profitable business who are now bitter and sad and too rich" is once again getting hit real hard today one like = 1 prayer

[kitty-lunaz]

The loss of heroes

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             Definitions

 

PTSD-. (is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

D.I.D- “a mental disorder characterized by the maintenance of at least two distinct and relatively enduring personality states.”

P.P.D- (depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood, and fatigue.) 

Depression-Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems

Schizophrenia- schizophrenia (a serious mental disorder in which people interpret reality abnormally. Schizophrenia may result in some combination of hallucinations, delusions, and extremely disordered thinking and behavior that impairs daily functioning, and can be disabling).  

Hallucinations- perception of objects with no reality usually arising from disorder of the nervous system

Conventions-A convention, in the sense of a meeting, is a gathering of individuals who meet at an arranged place and time in order to discuss or engage in some common interest. Valkyrior- Within the context of Marvel's shared universe, the Valkyrior is a group of female warriors led by Brunnhilde / Valkyrie that was originally designated by Odin to bring the souls of slain heroes to Valhalla.

God Khonshu- Khonsu (Ancient Egyptian: ḫnsw; also transliterated Chonsu, Khensu, Khons, Chons or Khonshu) is the Ancient Egyptian god of the Moon.

Inertia- a tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged.

Iron man’s addiction- alcoholism

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Hero a person who saves others. What about the kids who don���t have their hero. What about the kids whose hero was iron man, captain America, Thor, hulk, people like that? Our heroes are gone and we don’t have hope anymore. People say it's all going to be ok, we’ll be ok but what about when we lost all hope. What about those of us whose heroes we remembered as the creations of stan lee. Imagine the silence that has echoed for almost two years and it is still here. It’s not going away. The yelling of the depressed scared kids comes across deafened ears. Our pain fills our ears, mouths, and brains its overriding everything we’ve got left.

Young people now barely past 23 still choke on the mornings of a certain September day. Seeing a corrupt country that still somewhat loved its country shattered to its bones. Broken-down voicemails of a man giving up his right to a family. People staring out windows as a pair of buildings seen as a CenterPoint of a nation crumbles to ash and death stung the air.

Kids shaking in fear as another child points a gun at them. Their last moments in a place that swore it would protect them. Their heads screaming a blissful cry of fear at finally not having to fear this moment again. Yet crying out for someone like their own ‘friendly neighborhood Spiderman’ to come and save them.

So many of us thinking maybe just maybe if ‘so and so heroes’ were real maybe things would be better. Maybe if they were, daddy/ mommy would’ve made it home because they could’ve stopped the fire, the crash, the shooting. Maybe if they were real we could go to conventions and have them give us another reason to smile.

Our generations need so many heroes, heroes like Valkyrie who shows strength in not only being a beautiful woman of color, a leader of the Valkyrior, and a woman who is on the LGBT spectrum. We need heroes some like Deadpool who talk people from jumping off buildings those who remind us we might not be great people but we can change and better ourselves. We need heroes like Moonlight, wonder woman, or Daredevil each of these three has different illnesses I will do a quick explanation of their illnesses, but we need heroes like this who remind us and tell us that it is ok. That even heroes aren’t perfect they are ‘human’ in so many cases.

Moonlight who is a male character who supposedly was given powers to him by an ancient Egyptian God Khonshu. He has been depicted as having D.I.D.  He has also been shown hallucinating to the point that in certain comics even the reader becomes confused: Did he ever even have powers in the first place? What is he truly experiencing? There is cases wherein extreme fear of situations he takes on other personalities for long periods. His most notable secondary persona is Jake Lockley. Some even theorizing he may have a form of schizophrenia.

  Wonder woman is a non-human who has a human appearance. She experiences a few mental illnesses although compared to some heroes they seem to lackluster and nonserious. Yet although hers are less than painful than some that does not mean they aren’t important just rather a different type. One said illness a very common one in heroes P.T.S.D. For her she had been living her life believing one thing only to find a large portion of the place the memories took place in being false. This and a mix of other things she has experienced sent her into a level of shock which sent her into a catatonic state. She would experience things such as hallucinations of a snake that came out of her arm and would talk to her. (Do not do what she did to help hers see a therapist for help if you can.) She ended up as much as some with an illness like P.T.S.D can she cured herself by doing a form of self-exploration. 

 

   Daredevil is a different character. His mental illness isn’t his only illness though. Matthew Murdock is a blind lawyer.  He is an extremely interesting character being born from a poor family. His mother started experiencing P.P.D. This led to her attacking matt as young age her husband jack stopped the attack in turn she left and joined a covenant in which later on would meet and connect back with matt. The more important part of that is rather that he could inherit depression. Later on, in his life this mattering on which version his dad who was a boxer would be killed for not throwing a fight. Either being a gymnast/Boxer as a child or be taught by the character stick. Either way, he would at some point lose his sight from trying to save a man from a chemical spill. This would aide in his fighting ability because of his enhanced senses. Yet as with many superheroes’ death plagued him like his own shadow. His two lovers both killed by a very common villain named kingpin. Depression would become an illness he is constantly fighting. A section a comic would show in a set of three panels of his fist seeming to push through a thick layer of a gelatin-like substance that didn’t want to bend. This representing the battle against depression the words accompanying this would hit home for many.  “Get up you have momentum now, don’t let the shadows pull you back in. Inertia is the enemy; do something, move. Move Matthew”

  This is not to say generations raging back long before D.C. was even an idea didn’t need heroes. Yet rather than their issues were different not to say they didn’t deserve them. Those times didn’t have them and then seemingly losing them.  Logically they probably did posters for survival and fighting spirit but they could see and hold the hope themselves without needing to hear things like this to believe they were safe…

  “I am iron man” and think that he will protect me even through a screen or comic book page.

  “I could do this all day” Imagining him using his shield to protect you from bullets physical and metaphorical.

  “With great power comes great responsibility” Knowing that he’ll catch you as you fall into your depressive episodes.

  “Odin’s beard!” Knowing that although he could be doing other things there were those with powers to hurt yet use them to help

  “Excelsior!” That no matter what there will be hope and there will be those willing to save you in the darkest times.

  Now “I am iron man” echoes in pained breaths. “I could do this all day” feels more like a mock of how hard our lives trying to break us down. “Odin’s beard!” Feels like lightning piercing the heart knowing it may never sing out its call again. “Excelsior!” Now there’s an emptiness it licks at the ears, eyes, brain, and heart and it feels like it will never refill.

The face of hope seems stripped away now as a series of movies and characters have finally waved a long-awaited farewell. Wolverine said goodbye as time has gone on the x-men series slowly seemed to lose its tact yet there was always a joy knowing there was a mix of different people keeping us all safe.

  Iron man gave his most graceful goodbye, and now his addiction seems more appealing so there’s still a connection. America placed his shield away and watched his sunset, now fighting so that way someone is protecting others seems kind. Thor laughed booming and it echoes trying to claw anything close enough to that joy one last time.

  Memories of our heroes will always be here leaving an aching in the lungs.

[builder051]

Sorry, if I may, I had perhaps a thought/question/suggestion for daredevil? I haven’t seen the third season yet, but so far I perceive him to be someone deeply self-destructive but utterly unaware of that fact. If this rings true at all, I imagine that the realization would hit him hard, particularly since he’s Catholic. If this were ever something you’d be interested in writing, I’d be interested in reading it, but please don’t feel obligated. I hope that things are going well for you!

No need to apologize for talking to me.  As long as you’re not spewing hate, the askbox is open, and you’re not directly contradicting something I recently stated as a preference, I’m not going to explode at you.  

I’m in the process of watching season 3 now.  I’m really loving it.  The whole thing with messing with Matt’s public image to getto him, I relate so hard.

This is an awesome prompt; thank you so much for sending it. I know you probably wanted something set in the present, but the way this started coming to me really had to be set at Columbia.  I imagine Matthaving a lifelong struggle with self-harm, and Daredevil-ing is like a copingmechanism.  I wanted to explore it before he went that route.

That said, this story contains self harm, but it’s vague. It treats the essence of the issue, not the details.

_____

The chicken or the egg.  

It’s not a bad metaphor.  It does a decent job of summing up the thought circles that are impossible to understand, but insist on baffling Matt anyway.  Normally he’s perceptive enough to suss out the nexus of his issues, and if they’re worthy enough, address them at the source.

Not today, though.  His head’s cloudy and throbbing. He doesn’t think it hurt so much when he first lay down on his narrow dorm bed, but time has given up on being linear.  Matt’s no longer sure if it was the depression or the malaise that hit first.  The chicken or the egg.

Matt’s thoughts aren’t linear either.  Foggy insists on vegetarian fried rice when they go out for Chinese.  “Because it’s weird, Matt.  You can’t have the grown-up and the baby in the same dish,” he’d explained.  “Isn’t there something about that in the Bible?”

Goats, Matt had told him.  It’s about goats.  But Christ declared all foods clean, and that’s why his followers don’t keepkosher.  But Foggy grew up in a deli, so of course he’d see it from the other side.  Funny how the realization only hits him now, when the thought of food makes his mouth water in a way that’s distinctly unpleasant.  And lack of sustenance probably has something to do with the nauseous ache crashing around the inside of his head.

Matt lets out a dejected sigh and shifts onto his stomach, burying his face in his pillow.  He knows his glasses sit safely on his desk, but he still feels the shadowy indents of the nose pads.  It’s like rubbing his face in powdered glass.  He wishes twin extra-long sheets came in a higher thread count.

Matt’s eyes start to water.  Tears of pain pool beneath his eyelids and run out of the corners.  The pillowcase soaks up the droplets and spreads them, creating wet spots that press against his brows and cling to his cheeks.

The dampness is cold, but Matt’s wires are crossed, and it may as well be burning.  He smells the salt, the stress in his sweat, the sulfates in the laundry soap.  His brain throws in the memory of burned rubber and sunbaked asphalt, and before he can stop himself, he’s on his back, kicking off the covers and floundering.  

He can’t take this pain.  He can’t find his dad.  He can’t see.

But it’s coming through all wrong.  He went blind first. Then Jack died.  Right?  And the migraines came later, at the orphanage.  Along with the nightmares.

And that’s what this is, isn’t it?  Scratchy bedding, a roommate who only pretends to like him.  But Sister Maggie likes him. She comes when he calls out to her.  And when he calls out to his dad.  And even when his brain goes primal and fuzzy and he yells for the mother he’s never even known.

Matt‘s throat is working, his vocal cords pulsing like plucked guitar strings.  But he can’t hear the notes.  He’s too disconnected, his mouth and ears too far apart.  Matt rolls onto his side, dragging his knees to his chest and clamping his arms around them, squeezing himself into aball.  He wraps his palm around the opposite wrist for good measure,sliding the chain on a door that’s already bolted.

But someone’s rattling the knob.  Matt hears metal on metal, the scrape of a key.  There’s a creak, then a slam, then, “Whoops.”

A couple shuffling footsteps.  “Oh, hey, Matt.”

Matt flinches at the sudden influx of sound.  He couldn’t hear himself groaning a moment ago, but Foggy may as well be speaking through a bullhorn.  The jump in logic makes Matt’s temples throb sickeningly. But if Foggy’s here, then Matt’s definitely now.  Pinpointing the x,y, and z of location on coordinate plane grounds him in the fourth dimension too, even though his math classes haven’t taught him how to do that yet.

A bitter taste pools under his tongue.  Matt swallows to slow his racing heartbeat.  He takes a breath.

It’s 2009.

He gets a whiff of candy corn coming off Foggy.  It’s October.

The streetlamp hums outside the window.  Matt can smell beer, too.  And Vaseline.  A hint of latex.  It’s the middle of the night.  He’s definitely in college.

“You ok, buddy?”  Foggy flips on the overhead light. The fluorescent bulbs sizzle to life, and Matt’s stomach flips, bubbling like a cauldron of vomitous witch’s brew.

“Fine,” Matt croaks.  He lifts his head an inch from his still-wet pillow and loosens his tightly wound posture.  His hackles are still up, but Foggy’s buzzed and blissful.  He doesn’t need to worry.

“You sure?  You were in bed when I left,” Foggy says. “And that was, like… early.”

“Hm.”  Matt’s hand is wet, too.  He wipes it on hissheets.

“Party’s still going on, if you wanna drop in.  I’ll go with you.  It’s…”  Foggy laughs.  “It’s a good party.”

“Nah.”  Matt’s senses are going off again.  He smells metal.  But that could just be the nausea crystalizing in his sinuses.

“You really should.  If you’re just sad, you should get up. Do something.”  Foggy’s uneven footsteps approach Matt’s bed. “Come on.”

“Not sad.” Matt means to add some more detail, like the building migraine, the rising urge to throw up.  He means to add the just, theway Foggy did.  He doesn’t mean to lie.

“Yeah, right.”  Foggy grabs Matt’s wrist.

“No, Fog—”  Matt isn’t expecting to be pulled out of bed. And he isn’t expecting searing pain to lance up his arm.

“You’re not— Jesus, Matt!”  The exclamation comes across suddenly as Foggy’s fingers find the half-moon scratches on Matt’s forearm. Surprise ups the spit and anxious vibration in his tone.

For a second, Matt’s lost again.  But then the blocks stack up.  The memories, the hurt, the cycles of illness he has trouble labeling as physical or mental.  It’s happened before.  It makes a sick sort of sense, made sicker by the fact that Matt knows he deserves it.

“You’re not Jesus.”  It’s clear it’s not what Foggy meant to say, but his friend runs with it anyway.

Matt makes a cynical noise.  His mouth is too dry and wooly for him to force out more than one syllable.  If Foggy’s contradicting something, it didn’t come from Matt’s lips.  Even if his head hurts enough to make that kind of gibberish a real possibility.

“You don’t have to suffer.  And, god, I can’t believe you did this to yourself.”  Foggy doesn’t want to touch the wounds anymore. He’s sticky with Matt’s blood.  Matt can hear him bouncing the pad of his index finger against his thumb, repeatedly breaking the seal as the viscous fluid starts to dry.

Matt’s going to tell him he didn’t mean to, but Foggy makes to walk away.   Matt decides it’s not worth opening his mouth.  He turns inward again and tries to talk himself through relaxing the tension in hisneck.  

He doesn’t expect Foggy to swoop back in and pull him out of bed by the shoulders.  “No, no, Fog,” Matt protests, attempting to push him away while also being conscious of the facts that blood is running freely down his arm, and he’s perilously close to vomiting.  “I—my head—”

“Cut it out, Matt.  You’re depressed.  You’re bleeding!”

It’s the middle of the night.  Foggy can’t be dragging him to the campus health clinic.  Matt’s clearly in no shape for a party. He gets a mental image of himself sitting on the bathroom counter, slumped against the mirror, explaining in broken sentences how this is not an intentional act of self-flagellation while Foggy applies Neosporin and Band-Aids.

But they’re not going to make it that far.  They’re not going to make it out of the room.  Matt gags and claps his hand over his mouth.

“Shit.”  This time, Foggy interprets correctly.  He shoves Matt into his desk chair and thrusts the trash can into his lap.

Matt coughs harshly.  He heaves up a dribble of bile, then waits for the room to stop spinning.  He’s definitely dehydrated. Some simple carbs would probably do him good too, but Matt’s not ready to brave anything that will require chewing.  Or anything with a flavor.

“Sorry.”  Matt scrapes his tongue with his teeth and wills them to stop chattering.

“You didn’t have a headache when I left,” Foggy says, a little defensively.

It’s probably true.  Matt doesn’t remember the details well enough to refute it.  “I do now,” he murmurs.

Foggy sighs.  “Yeah.  You do now.”  The mini-fridge opens and closes.  He cranks the top off a bottle of water and nudges it against Matt’s hand.  “Here.  Rinse.  I’ll get you back to bed.  And put something on those scratches, if you want.”

He thinks about it as he swishes the water and spits it into the trash.  The wounds themselves don’t hurt.  But the drying blood itches.

“Or I could go, if you’d rather…” Foggy waffles.

Matt’s taking too long.  Foggy doesn’t want to leave him alone, but he’s going to come out and say it.

Matt hates that he does this to himself.  He hates even more that he’s ruining his friend’s night.  But, truth be told, he doesn’twant to be alone either.

“Sure,” Matt finally says. “You can stay.”  It’s too demanding.  He quickly revises. “I mean…you should.  I want you to stay.”

[fortheloveofpearlet]

Straightjacket Feeling - Pearlet [Chapter 13 - Final]

A/N - The final chapter is here! This was originally meant to be a chapter and a short epilogue but honestly I’ve lost the will to live with this fic so I just want it to be over now! Hope you’ve enjoyed! The rest of Wilting Flowers will be being posted soon :)

Chapter 13

Crawling Back to you.

Matt was getting dressed when Jason woke up the next morning. He looked like a man that was imminently going to be led to his death, not a man getting married today. Jason took a second to just watch him. He wanted to take him all in, the way he looked, the way he moved, every inch of him. He sighed lightly, this was so fucking hard knowing he wasn’t going to see Matt again but he knew it would be for the best in the long run. 

‘Planning on running out on me again?’ Jason croaked and Matt spun around to look at him a little guilty.

'I thought it might be easier that way you know? I don’t know if I can do the whole long drawn out goodbye thing. Not with you.’ Matt shrugged sadly. Jason slipped out of the bed and put his boxers on.

'But I haven’t even given you your wedding present.’ He went to his wardrobe and rummaged in the back.

'Jay you should not have gotten me a wedding present.’ Matt sighed. Jason pulled out a tattily wrapped gift and blew dust off of it. 

'Well it’s more of a belated graduation present actually. I’ve had this wrapped up for five years, we were on such bad terms when you graduated I didn’t want to give it to you. But here.’ Jason’s hands were shaking as he handed it over to Matt. Matt’s hands were shaking too as he gently tore the paper away. A smile sprang to his lips and tears to his eyes as he looked at the item in his hands. He looked back at Jason.

'You got me the Pearl Liaison tank top I asked you for.’ A small tear rolled down his cheek.

'Not exactly. That’s mine. I couldn’t afford to buy you one back then.’ Jason laughed a little but it was a sad laugh. Matt held the garment close to his chest.

'Thank you.’ He sniffed. 

'Never forget me yeah?’ Jason stepped closer and wiped Matt’s tears from his cheeks.

'I couldn’t even if I tried.' 

'Be happy Matt, that’s all I ask for. Always be fucking happy ok?' 

'I’ll try Jay, I’ll really try.’ Matt pressed his lips to Jason’s in a magical yet sad kiss. 

'Goodbye Matthew.’ Jason sniffed feeling his tears brimming. Matt nodded sadly and stroked Jason’s cheek one last time.

'Goodbye Jason.’

'Matt?’ Jason sniffed. 

'Yes Jason?' 

'Do you think there’s an alternate universe somewhere where an alternate Jason and Matt made things work?’ His lip quivered. Matt smiled through his tears.

'God I hope so pumpkin, and I hope they are deliriously happy together.' 

'I’m sure they are.’ Jason croaked. Matt made his way to the door and opened it but before he stepped out he turned back to Jason.

'Oh and by the way, a Violet Kiss is just equal parts amaretto and cherry liquor, topped up with coke and tiny dash of lime. You know, in case you’re ever missing me.’ Matt smiled sadly.

'That’s it?’ Jason chuckled a little. 'All these years that’s been driving me crazy and that’s all that’s in it?’

'I never said it was special.’ Matt shrugged. Jason bit his lip.

'It was to me.’ He whispered.

'Then my work here is complete.’ Matt sniffed. Clutching his present in his arm he blew Jason a kiss and closed the door on them forever, both physically and metaphorically. Jason collapsed and cried in a ball on the floor. Pain consumed his entire body and it didn’t take long for his eyes to flutter closed as the world closed in on him.

——————————–

Matt managed to sneak into the grand old building without anyone noticing. He’d found the suite where his tux was waiting for him. He’d showered and changed and was working on his tie when the door flung open.

'Oh my fucking god where the hell have you been?’ Jake yelled, slapping him on the back. 'I’ve been calling, I’ve been calling everyone you fucking know! Where the fuck did you disappear to last night? I’ve been having to lie to Court, I had to tell her that yes we had a great night last night and yes Matt’s feeling fine and no he’s not nervous at all. I almost didn’t think you were going to show!’ Jake fumed. Matt rolled his eyes and continued to work on his tie in the mirror.

'I almost didn’t.’ He shrugged. 

'That’s cold feet. You’ll be fine. Are you gonna tell me where you were?' 

'It’s not cold feet Jake.’ Matt turned to face his friend. 'I don’t love her.' 

Jake pulled a face, shaking his head.

'Nerves dude, that’s all. Don’t be crazy. And stop ignoring my ques-’

'I’m not being crazy! I don’t fucking love her! I don’t think I ever have.’ Matt sighed, getting agitated with his tie he tugged it off and threw it to the floor.

'What the hell is going on? Where were you last night?’

'I was with someone else!’ Matt blurted out even though he wasn’t sure he’d meant to say that. 

'What the fuck?’ Jake gasped. 'No way man you’re lying.' 

'Why would I lie about that?’ Matt raised his eyebrow at him. 'I was with someone else, I’m in love with someone else! Fuck I don’t know what I was thinking proposing to Court! I’ve always loved him, I’m such an idiot! I can’t go through with this, I need to speak-’

'Him?’ Jake cut him off when he realised what he’d said. Matt froze. Had he just come out? He hadn’t meant to let that slip.

'Uhm…well the thing is…’

'Oh my god.’ Jake stopped him again. 'It’s Jason isn’t it?’

'What?’ Matt scoffed. 'No, why would you think that?’

'It all makes so much fucking sense now.’ Jake mused. 'I’ve always seen the way he looks at you but I thought it was just some crush. That night you hit him, he was said something about you not seeming straight and something about your dick! He vanished last night but we assumed he’d gone home. And he was the only person I called last night that didn’t answer. You were with Jason!’

'Fuck.’ Matt shook his head. 'Yeah, yeah I was.' 

'You and Jason?’ Jake looked dumbfounded. 'How long?' 

Matt fell to one of the chairs in his suite and ran his fingers through his hair.

'It feels like forever.’ And then he told Jake the whole story from the beginning right up until their painful goodbye this morning. 

'Holy shit.’ Jake exhaled when Matt was done. 'I had no fucking idea.’

'That was kind of the point. But he doesn’t want me anymore Jake, I told him to just say the word and I would leave Courtney but he said he couldn’t forgive me after I hit him and I don’t blame him. So now I’m never going to see him again, and it’s fucking killing me.’

'This is a lot to take in.’ Jake exhaled heavily again and stared at Matt. 'You know you can’t marry Court right? It’s not fair on either of you.’

'I know.’ Matt bit his lip. 'I need to find her and talk to her.' 

'I’ll be here when you come back.’ Jake patted his friend on the shoulder as he got up.

'Thanks Jake.' 

'What are friends for?' 

——————————–

Matt felt like he had the weight of the entire world on his shoulders as he went in search of Courtney. He felt fucking horrible, he was going to break her heart on their wedding day. But he knew if he didn’t do it now, he would regret it the rest of his life. Jason had been right, just because he didn’t want him, didn’t mean he had to marry Courtney. He wished he realised that before today, anything would have been better than being the guy that left his fiancé on their wedding day. But he couldn’t live a lie anymore. He came to a stop outside the door to Courtney’s suite. He took a few really deep breaths. His hands were shaking. He just hoped when he came face to face with her he didn’t lose his nerve. He knocked on the old oak door.

'Court, it’s me. We really need to talk. I know its bad luck and all that bullshit for me to see you but this can’t wait.’ He opened the door. His heart stopped beating. Matt felt a white hot rage burning inside of him in an instant. His vision blurred a little; sounds around him became distant. The walls felt like they were closing in on him.

'Matt, oh my god!’ Courtney exclaimed although Matt couldn’t really hear her. Her cheeks turned red as she pulled her panties up and her beautiful off-white vintage wedding dress down. The other man in the room turned his back Matt, presumably tucking away his dick that had just been inside Matt’s fiancé. 'Matt, say something.’ Courtney spoke again but Matt still didn’t hear her. He felt nauseous all of a sudden and he bolted from the room towards the nearest exit. He threw himself outside, a wave of fresh air hitting him. He doubled over and vomited in the grass several times. Courtney was having an affair. Courtney was fucking some guy on their wedding day. And Matt knew he had no right to be mad, he was just as bad as she was. Once he’d emptied his stomach of its contents he fell back to the steps he’d just run down and lit a cigarette. He felt oddly numb. He heard the door open behind him and he felt her sit down next to him. He said nothing. He didn’t even look at her.

'I’m so sorry Matt.’ She was crying. Matt couldn’t bring himself to.

'Who is he?’ Matt’s voice sounded devoid of any emotion, creepily robotic.

'My yoga instructor.’ She sniffed. 

'How long?’

'Does it matter?’

'How long?’ He repeated as though he hadn’t heard her. He heard her blow her nose before she spoke.

'I don’t know, a few months I guess. After you proposed you became so weird and distant. I thought any day you were going to tell me you’d changed your mind. You didn’t take an interest in the wedding plans, you were always out at the bar with the guys and even when you were home you weren't really there. I needed someone and that’s when I met Diego.' 

Matt continued dragging on his cigarette, staring straight ahead. Courtney had no idea what he was thinking.

'I guess that makes us even then.’ He croaked, he sounded like he’d swallowed sand paper.

'What do you mean?’ She put her hand on his leg and finally turned to look at her.

'I’ve been cheating on you too.’ He told her in such a dead pan fashion. He hadn’t been planning on telling her why he was leaving her because he didn’t think it was fair to tell her the gory details. But it didn’t matter now. 'With a man.' 

Courtney gasped and put her hands to her face. 

'What?’ She was staring at him wide eyed in shock. Matt took another drag.

'Jason.’ He told her again in such a robotic way. Courtney gasped again and shook her head.

'No, this is a joke right?’ Her mascara was running down her cheeks and her false eyelash looked as though it was going to come loose. Matt simply shrugged.

'Nope, no joke.’ He tossed the cigarette but lit another one immediately after.

'Oh my god.’ Courtney muttered. 'Well that’s ok, so we’ve both done some bad things. Like you said we’re even now, so it doesn’t mean we can’t get still get married right?’ She forced a smile and took hold of Matt’s free hand.

'I don’t love you.’ Matt said with another shrug and pulled his hand free. 'I’m in love with Jason. Always have been.’ He turned away from her and looked out into the distance again. 'I was coming to tell you that it was over.’

'You were going to end things on our wedding day?’ She sounded outraged, Matt just scoffed.

'That’s worse than you fucking another guy on our wedding day?' 

'We can work this out Matt, I love you.' 

'You’re not listening to me!’ Suddenly Matt found himself raising his voice. 'I love Jason! I need Jason! Jason is the only person I’ve ever felt this way about and I actually feel as though I am dying inside not being able to be with him. I was so concerned about you finding out about us that I punched him just so he wouldn’t confess anything. And because of that he never wants to see me again. I pushed him too far! I’m nothing without him. He means the whole fucking world to me and I messed everything up.’ He tried to stand up but he felt too weak and he collapsed to the grass in tears. Courtney came over to his side, lifted her dress a little and knelt next to him.

'I had no idea.’ She cautiously rubbed his back as he sobbed.

'You weren’t supposed to. It’s too fucking late, I ruined everything. I can’t even put into words what that man means to me, he is literally my everything. He is my ray of light of a cloudy day, he’s the anchor that helps steady me when things get rough. He’s my sun and my moon and all the fucking stars in the sky and I fucked it all up because that’s just what I do isn’t it?’ He was yelling a little but the anger was directed at himself. 'You don’t want to hear all this, I’m sorry.’ He shook his head. Courtney continued to rub his back.

'It’s not great hearing the man you were about to marry talking about the person he loves no, but I care about you Matt, I only want you to be happy.’ She cupped his face and wiped his tears away. 'Maybe I should have known. There’s always been something between you and Jason, and I always had a slight suspicion that you were never fully in this. Is it because of Jason you were so upset when we first met?’

Matt bit his lip and nodded.

'Look Matt, maybe we were destined to fail from the beginning. I guess we were never meant to be together. And that hurts because I do love you, but I think you need to tell Jason how you feel about him.’

'He knows.’ Matt wailed. 'And he doesn’t care.' 

Courtney half-smiled at him and pointed at something over his shoulder.

'I wouldn’t be so sure.’ She whispered. Matt swallowed and turned to look over his shoulder. Jason was stood awkwardly scuffing his shoe in the grass. Matt turned to look at Courtney who gave him an encouraging nod.

'I’m not going to stand in your way anymore Matt.’ She stood up and helped him up and kissed his cheek. 'Don’t make all this for nothing.’ She whispered in his ear and then although it hurt like hell, she left them alone. Matt wiped his tears on the sleeve of his suit jacket before turning back to look at Jason.

'You’re wearing a suit.’ Matt croaked.

'Yeah well I thought jeans and a tank were too casual for a wedding.’ Jason shrugged.

'I thought you weren’t coming?' 

'I wasn’t but I couldn’t stop feeling guilty. We’ve been friends a long time now and it didn’t seem fair for me not to be here. I had to put all my feelings aside and tell myself that no matter what I knew you wanted me here. Even if it killed me to do so.’ Jason sighed. 

'How did you know I was here?’ Matt raised an eyebrow at him.

'The alters like right there.’ He pointed behind the building. 'We could hear crying and stuff but I think everyone was too polite to say anything about it. And then Jake comes down in a panic looking for you. He told me you were going to leave Courtney. And that’s when I realised it was you I could hear crying.’ Jason shrugged. 'You left her?’

'Yeah. Well I mean I was going to leave her but then I walked in on her fucking Diego the yoga instructor and it all kind of fell apart. I told her about you, I told her everything.’

'I know I heard.’ Jason scuffed his shoe in the grass again. 'Did you mean all those things you said about me?’ He asked shyly.

'Of course I fucking did! That stuff I said doesn’t even scratch the surface of how I feel about you! Since the day I first laid eyes on you Jason, I was captivated. I had no idea what it was about you, but I always knew there was something. It was like magic, this spark ignited inside of me every time I looked at you. It still does.’ Matt stepped closer to Jason and took hold of his hands. He felt them shaking as held them. 'Jason, I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. What I did to you, there is no excuse for that. But do you think that maybe, in time you could grow to forgive me?’ Matt was staring intently at Jason and Jason felt a tremble down his spine. 

'No.’ Jason sighed. 'Because the truth is, I’d already forgiven you.' 

'What? But…you said-’

'I know.’ Jason cut him off. 'I know what I said but it was a lie. When you told me you’d leave Courtney for me, I didn’t believe you. I didn’t want to say yes, leave her and be with me because I didn’t think you ever would. I didn’t want to set myself up for a fall again.’ Jason shrugged, his bottom lip quivering a little.

'I would have done it. I have done it.’ Matt squeezed his hands. 'Be with me. I love you Jason and I can’t bear to be apart from you for another minute. I’ve got a lot of making up to do, all those years of lost time to account for. But I want to spend the rest of my life showing you just what you mean to me.’ Matt let go of Jason’s hands and cupped his face gently. A tear escaped Jason’s eyes. 

'I’ve waited to hear you say that for so long.’ He sniffed as Matt’s thumb wiped away the tears. 'No more games? No more fucking bullshit drama? If we’re doing this, I’m in it for keeps Matt. If you want me, you better never fucking let me go.' 

'Never ever.’ Matt smiled and threw his arms around Jason’s neck pulling him in to the most passionate kiss either of them have ever had. 

'I love you pumpkin.’ Matt stroked Jason’s cheek when the kiss broke.

'I love you too Matty.’

Crawling back to you.

——————————–

'I still don’t think this is fair.’ Jason sighed sipping his fruity cocktail as he stretched out on his sun lounger. 'This was supposed to be Courtney’s honeymoon too.’

Matt sat up and dug his toes in the warm sand.

'You’ve been going on about this for almost two weeks Jay.’ He chuckled reaching over to stroke his boyfriends arm. 'She gave up the right to a honeymoon when I caught her fucking Diego the day of our wedding.’

'Oh 'cos you’re so innocent?’ Jason teased sitting up also. 'May I remind you that you were fucking me the night before your wedding?’

'Yeah well I paid for the honeymoon so I think I should get to take who I want.’ Matt leaned forward and kissed Jason. 

'Hmm ok.’ Jason gave in. 'What do you want to do today? It’s our last full day, I thought maybe we could go on a boat trip or go scuba diving or something?’ Jason put his hands on Matt’s thighs. 'Or…we could spend all day fucking in as many places as possible?’ His eyes went dark with lust. Matt bit his lip, God he would like that a lot. But he had things to do.

'As much as I would love to fuck you all over this island, I have some things I need to take care of.’ Matt kissed him softly before standing up and putting his t-shirt on.

'Things? What things? We’re on vacation!’

'I know, I know. It’s kind of a surprise though so if I told you, it would ruin it.' 

'You’re leaving me alone on our last day?’ Jason pouted. 

'It’ll be worth it I promise.’ Matt stroked his hair and kissed his head. 'Meet me back here at sunset.' 

'Vague.’ Jason rolled his eyes. 'Ok, I guess I’ll just work on my tan.' 

'We’ve been here two weeks and you’re still as pale as the day we left babe. I think you could sunbathe on the actual sun and not get a tan.’ Matt laughed and Jason slapped his ass.

'Not all of us can be beautiful sun kissed gods like you.' 

'It’s true.’ Matt beamed. 'I’ll see you this evening ok? Behave.’ He bowed his head and kissed Jason again. Jason grumbled and fell back to the lounger as Matt walked away. He didn’t like secrets, god knows they’d kept enough of them over the years. He felt a little uneasy. He sipped his cocktail and tried to ignore it.

——————————–

After a day of sitting on the beach and catching absolutely no sun on his pale skin Jason went back to their beach bungalow. Over the last two weeks they had christened every inch of this bungalow; it would probably have to be sterilised once they left. When he reached the room there was a clothes bag hanging on the door. Jason frowned and took it inside. He laid it on the bed and saw the handwritten note pinned to it. 

Put this on and meet me down by the shore. Tonight will be a night you never forget pumpkin. 

Jason blushed, he always did when Matt called him pumpkin. He unzipped the clothes back and inside was a pair of white linen trousers and a matching white linen jacket. Jason frowned a little, he certainly wouldn’t have picked this out for himself. But Matt wasn’t here for him to argue about it. He showered and tried on the trousers, they didn’t look as bad as he thought they would if he were honest. He scrutinised the jacket.

'What am I supposed to wear under it Matt?’ He muttered under his breath, shaking his head. He decided on his Violet Chachki tank top as it was black and not overly gaudy and worked well with the rest of the outfit. He tied his hair back in a bun and decided to go barefoot, he was going to miss the feeling of the sand beneath his feet when they went home and he wanted to make the most of it. 

——————————–

As the sun began to set Jason nervously left the bungalow. He had no idea what to expect and it made his stomach churn in anticipation. He made his way back down to their secluded spot on the beach they had spent most of their time on for the past two weeks. He stopped frozen to the spot for a second when he got there. There was an illuminated path of candles down the beach coming to a stop a wooden archway by the shore. The archway was covered in violets and underneath it stood a few faces he recognised and one he didn’t. Jason’s whole body was shaking as he walked between the two rows of candles towards Matt. Matt had a large smile on his face and he wore matching linens to Jason and under the jacket he wore the Pearl tank Jason had given him. Jason’s eyes were already welling up as he took in the other people gathered around the archway. On one side Kurtis, Jake and the Brian’s all had similar darker linens on and smiles on their faces. Matt’s parents were on the other side, his mother in a long flowing violet coloured dress and matching bouquet of flowers in her hands and his father had on the same coloured linens as their friends. Next to Matt’s mom was the biggest surprise: Jason’s own mother. She had a matching dress and flowers to Mrs Lent and she had the biggest smile on her face and tears behind her eyes. There was a man Jason didn’t know stood under the arch. He turned to Matt as his tears started to fall.

'No.’ Jason sniffed. 'No this isn’t happening.' 

Matt beamed and stepped closer, taking hold of Jason’s hands.

'Some people might think this is too soon and it’s crazy but I don’t care. We’ve been going round and round in circles for almost six years now Jason and honestly, I can’t wait another second to start the rest of my life with you.’ Matt got down on one knee in the sand and Jason’s tears fell heavier. He pulled the ring box from his pocket and opened it. 'Jason Dardo, you are the love of my life, I still don’t know what I did to deserve you. But would you make me the happiest man alive and marry me? Like right now?’ Matt’s own tears had started to fall. The ring was simple yet elegant and it made Jason’s breath catch in his throat.

'You are absolutely insane.’ Jason laughed through his tears. 'But that’s just one of the many things I love about you. Of course I’ll marry you, you dork!’ He screeched. Matt slid he ring on Jason’s finger and Jason pulled him up for a kiss. 'I can’t believe you did all this.’ Jason wiped his tears away before wiping Matt’s. He looked over at his friends who were still smiling at him and then at his mom who was crying now. 

'Only the best for you.’ Matt took hold of Jason’s hand and led him towards the archway where the pastor was stood. 'Hang on, I just need to do one thing.’ Matt reached up and gently pulled Jason’s hair from its bun. Jason shook his hair out and Matt was beaming. 'Much better.’ He whispered. 

'Ladies and gentlemen we are gathered here today to witness the joining together of Matthew James Lent and Jason Dardo.’ He spoke. Matt squeezed Jason’s hand when he felt the younger boy shaking. 'Do you have your vows?’

'Oh god I knew I’d forget something.’ Matt chuckled. 'I’ll give this a go. I’m not great at thinking on my feet but here we go.’ He took a deep breath and turned to face Jason holding both his hands. 'Jason, I’ve told you this before but from the moment I first laid eyes on you I knew there was something magical about you. It took me a while to figure out that thing I was feeling, was love. But we all know I can be a little slow at times.’ He chuckled so did the others. 'I love you because you make me feel like I have a purpose. You give me a reason to get up in the morning, and that reason is to protect you. I love you because you make me feel alive, you make me feel as though I can conquer anything as long as I’m by your side. I love the way you cling so tightly to me when you’re sad and the way you smile so brightly that you light up entire rooms when you’re happy. Most of all, I love that you are finally mine. We had a lot of ups and down getting here, more downs than ups, but I honestly wouldn’t change a single thing. I think sometimes we have to weather the storm to really appreciate the sun. And you Jason Dardo, are my sun. I love you with every little piece of my being, always have and always will.' 

Jason’s tears had come back full throttle as he listened to Matt’s speech. He even heard Kurtis sniff behind him. Jason shook his head and squeezed Matt’s hand. 

'You fucking asshole.’ Jason chuckled. 'Sorry mom.’ He added, giving her a soft smile. 'This is never going to sound as good, I’m rubbish with words, we’re not even married and you’re already showing me up.’ Jason wiped his tears and took a few deep breaths to try and calm himself. 'I love you for so many reasons that if I were to say them all we would all die of old age so I’ll try and keep this short and sweet. I love you because you make me feel safe. No matter what happened between us, you’ve always made me feel so, so safe. I always felt like when I’m with you, I’m a better Jason. I’m happier, I’m more confident, I’m just an all-around better version of myself because of you. If I’m being honest, a few weeks ago I had finally lost all hope in us. All these years I’ve clung to this tiny shimmer of hope that one day we’d work this out and we’d be able to be together. But the morning you left me to go to her, I thought that was finally it, that was finally the end of our story. But my mom always used to tell me, it’s not over unless there’s a happy ending. I guess she was right after all. This is the happy ending I’ve always dreamt of, but really, this is just the beginning for us. I love you Matt, and I can’t wait to see what the rest of our story has in store for us.’ Jason was amazed he managed to keep his tears at bay. Matt hadn’t, he was crying now so Jason wiped his tears for him.

'Who has the rings?’ The pastor asked the line of men. Jake and Kurtis stepped forward. Jake handed Matt one of the rings.

'Repeat after me.’ The pastor told Matt what to say. Matt bit his lip and swallowed before repeating his words. 

'I call upon these people here present to witness that I Matthew James Lent take you Jason Dardo to be my lawfully wedded husband. I give you this ring as a token of our love and friendship, as a symbol of all that we share and in recognition of our life together.’  Matt slid the ring onto Jason’s finger. 'You’re stuck with me now.’ Matt added and chuckled a little. Jason rolled his eyes but he was smiling.

'Now your turn Jason.’ The pastor motioned for Kurtis to hand Jason Matt’s ring which he did. Jason took a deep breath.

'I call upon these people here present to witness that I Jason Dardo take you Matthew James Lent to be my lawfully wedded husband. I give you this ring as a token of our love and friendship, as a symbol of all that we share and in recognition of our life together. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.’ Jason slid the ring on Matt’s finger. 

'In the presence of your friends, family and witnesses it gives me great pleasure to pronounce you husbands. You may now seal your vows with a kiss.' 

Jason grinned and grabbed Matt by the collar of his jacket and kissed him hard. Matt wrapped his arms around Jason tightly. 

'Alright guys get a room!’ Jake told them as the kiss got a little heated. 

'I now present to you Mr and Mr…uhm did you decide on a last name?’ The pastor asked them. Matt and Jason looked at each other for a few moments, communicating with their minds. When they spoke, they spoke in unison.

'Lent-Dardo.’ They chucked as they both spoke. 

'Ladies and gentlemen, I now present, Mr and Mr Lent-Dardo.’ Their audience cheered and confetti started raining down on them. Matt squeezed Jason’s hand again and started leading him down the candle lit path.

'Is this really happening? Did we actually just get married?’ Jason sniffed, shaking his head.

'We most certainly did Mr Lent-Dardo.’ Matt let go of his hand and wrapped his arm around his husband’s shoulders. 

'I wonder if alternate universe us are this happy?’ Jason mused. Matt pulled him to a stop and cupped Jason’s face. 

'Not a chance.’ He kissed him softly. 'There is no one in the universe that is happier than I am right now.’ He played with a strand of Jason’s hair. 'And you want to know the best part?’ Matt lowered his voice.

'What’s that?’ Jason asked him in equally hushed tones. Matt beamed that smile that would never fail to turn Jason’s legs to jelly and he kissed Jason’s cheek before placing his lips really close to the younger boys ear. 

'This is only the beginning.' 

Crawling back to you.

[sixmorningsafter]

15 Review

I didn’t know how to start this review. Then you posted your character trailer and I was struck by how much this fic has evolved from the original 2-minute trailer. It started out as a fluffy rom com type fic and now it is a story of depth, of feeling and of growth. Sure, your humour balances out the angst, but what blows me away is the affection all your readers have for your characters even if the canon version leaves them cold. There are still times when I want to smack them around the head for being dumb (quite a lot in this chapter!), but I am still rooting so hard for all 4 of them to get a HEA (actually 5 including Kai).

Ahhhhh, Janet, my sun and stars! Sorry for taking a bit to reply to this - I was trying to get 16 cranked out (lmao as you well know) and I was putting off delving back into my asks until I did. Now that the chapter’s up and kind of terrifyingly out there, I can finally get to answering this glorious, lovely review, and I’m going to start with getting real emotional over everything you said about the fic’s development. I think I’ve mentioned it a few times, but I’ve always been aiming for a kind of Breakfast Club effect with this story where it starts out with a bunch of surface-level stereotypes for characters, gets them stuck somewhere, and then uses that idle time to dig past the labels and see what makes them human. Obviously SMA has gone way off the rails and is way more shippy and tropey than TBC, lmao, but it makes me so happy to hear that you feel like it’s transcended the raunchy romcom premise. It’s been a gradual but deliberate effort on my end and it gives me hella feels to know it’s working.

Can I just say how much I love the fact you started and ended it with Stefan’s POV? That end scene where he can’t help but be a little bit Nicholas Sparks (Stefan “King of Cheese” Salvatore knows who he is, but not Sia ha ha) and Caroline surprises him with the hot chocolate – aww. I also adored Ms Cuddles and Caroline having a ‘chat’ about Stefan – that was a really beautiful note, the parallel of Caroline softening towards both the cat and Stefan. In fact, the cat is basically a metaphor for Stefan, right? Caroline’s reaction annoyed me initially, I can’t lie, but her gradual rationalisation of her behaviour was really interesting and her thoughts on how it affected Stefan showed her to be compassionate and sweet. An interesting point was that Stefan felt that he lost control completely of the sex, intimacy situation, whereas Caroline describes him as ‘always having one foot on the floor, checking in’ – I’m not sure why I liked that so much, but I did. I love the tease for chapter 16 where these idiots actually talk to each other. There’s a line where Stefan talks (in his head) about him (or indeed anyone) not being worth that much angst and about watching her flicker from afar, both of which I loved because it showed just what a caring chap Stefan is.

Italicized the bit above because I’m so happy you caught that! It was one of those dissonant things I tried to sneak in to remind people that literally no one’s narration in this fic is objective, you know? Like Stefan’s sitting there feeling lowkey guilty because there was a moment he knew he probably should’ve pulled back but didn’t, and then later on Caroline’s thinking about how safe she felt because he never seemed to lose himself completely. I think on a backstory note, too, it gives a some indirect insight into Maroline and just how out of control Matt could get that by comparison, Stefan losing control felt like total safety to her. 

ANYWAY, that bit aside (I love how you catch those little things, btw), cat’s totally a metaphor for Stefan. To me anyway. I don’t think Stefan directly intended the parallel but this cheesy af author did 👍 And yeah, at their core, Caroline and Stefan are both giant cheese balls who are just trying to figure out what to do with their abundance of scary feelings. I think it’s good that Caroline’s reaction annoyed you, tbh, because it was supposed to be a last straw kind of thing. Not necessarily even for Stefan, but just for her. She gets sick of her own shit, which you probably get more of a sense for in 16 than 15. It’s kind of her breaking point. She’s like ‘holy shit enough this is exhausting’. So I think it’s good for you, as the reader, to also be exhausted with her, because she’s pretty much feeling the same way. 

(Aside: jeez the way you wrote the Steroline sex scene was perfect, not graphic or squirmy, but really hot. I now can’t wait to see what you do with Bamon! Things gonna get weird – I know it!)

I literally just figured out how Bamon’s going to go down (like locked it down in my head) and honestly. Weirdly feelsy. But also very hot and them, I think. Bonnie’s profession might factor in. But gah, thanks so much for the feedback on the SC scene! That was like my first time writing a sex scene in a fic (not because I’m anti-sex scene I just usually don’t make it that far in, looooool) so I’m so glad it wasn’t a disaster!

The ship stuff is great in this chapter, but I thought I was going to miss the friendship stuff. I didn’t because of all the cute references to the friendships that you put in. Damon doing his lovesick idiot impression AKA imitating Stefan – LOL! Damon referring to Stefan taking Bonnie to court for flamingo hate crimes - I nearly died at that little exchange. I also liked the parallel of Bonnie telling Damon about the Stefonnie V-day standoff (“yellow sucks and you’re a bad friend” WTF Bonnie? Baby love sick puppy Stefan - priceless) and Steroline chatting about Bonnie’s insane diet as a way of bonding (Stefan’s a feeder, his go-to strategy to smooth things over = food, head canon this was his major way of coping with his sisters and Bonnie’s mood swings). Bonnie is like the lynch pin in this fic and I bloody love it. The parallel of Caroline and Bonnie trying to get over Stefan and Damon by using extreme physical contact as a method of desensitisation. LOL like that was ever going to work - dumbos!

Aren’t they the stupidest human beings, though? Like do you understand how often I write literally any part of this fic and have to stop, stare the screen, and go ‘WHY ARE YOU ALL SO DUMB’. Like yeah, Caroline, riding Stefan in the middle of a dark living room till neither of you can think straight is definitely going to make you less into him. Obviously. How could that backfire? Yeah Bonnie, dragging a flirty Damon to a tiny little stairwell to bitch at him is obviously not going to lead to anything you don’t want happening. How could it? It’s so foolproof? They’re stupid. Anyway, lmao, love love love that all the brotp references could keep you afloat with the friendships this chapter, and love all the parallels you picked up on. I’m not going to lie, I miss writing ensemble scenes so friggin’ much, to the point where I’m a little sad 16 had to get split before I hit the group bits, but I can’t wait to get back to that. I can’t wait to get back to crowded mornings and furtive looks and smug comments and chaotic bursts of activity - it always happens whenever I have long night time scenes. I’m like ready for the reset of a new, bustling morning, and a large part of it is because of the brotp potential, so I’m super happy that part’s important to you, too!

Now for Kai. His cyber stalking, 6 ovens and secret room made me laugh in a somewhat anxious way, although I too aim for my Christmas decorations to involve a miniature train set up #lifegoals #weareallalittlebitkai. I get that Bonnie was terrified, trapped with a knife 2 inches from her face. She still slipped into her compassionate self because that is who Bonnie is at her core. This girl is a damn hero. I can totally see how down the line these 2 end up being ‘friends’ with the other 3 being dragged into this friendship group, kicking and screaming, although I caught Damon being friendly with him already. I’m really interested to see how the Stefan-Kai dynamic works out. I felt bad for him going off swan hunting in a blizzard and perplexed because it’s going to take ages to pluck and roast a new swan – Bamon are trapped lol.

Loooool, Kai, my little lunatic son. He means well? Kind of. I think he just doesn’t always know what ‘well’ is. And yep, Bonnie’s compassionate streak flares hard and often, and it’s already showing for Kai, although if you’ve read 16 it turns out that Damon actually ends up being the surprise Kai bestie. Honestly, Kai thinks they’re both great and has very enthusiastic and occasionally frightening ways of showing it, lmao. And HAHA, you know, Kai x Stefan is probably the only dynamic I haven’t nailed down? Largely because my instinct is to have Kai think he’s shady/get an inexplicably bad vibe from him (because COME ON HOW FUNNY IS THAT), and I feel like Stefan’s constantly getting the short end of the stick with these people, but lmao, who knows. I might do it anyway. It’s hard to resist the hilarity of Murdery McSwankiller Kai finding Stefan of all people suspicious. They’ll probably bond over cooking, though.

Hands down my favourite part is Damon’s panic attack, the way you wrote it – wow, so good. I have never had a panic attack and after reading that I was so glad that I hadn’t. It basically cracked open Damon’s life a little, let us in on his dark past. I have only waited 15 chapters for this (see every review of this fic I have ever written lol – god I’m so boring, sorry). When they were first trapped in the basement and Bonnie was quizzing him without mercy, I felt so bad for him.  I loved that she picked up on the panic attack and tried a softer approach and the connection that it sparked. I love their physical attraction (I want them to kiss every time they get within about 6 foot of each other, I have no idea how Bonnie copes!), their verbal sparring and Damon’s protectiveness towards Bonnie, but Damon being vulnerable and letting her in (even if he didn’t want to) was like the final piece in a jigsaw puzzle and at the same time, the beginning of something really beautiful. I really want to see more from him next chapter, his embarrassment is already palpable in the preview vid and I’m so psyched about vulnerable Damon. I hope we find out more about why he was in Chicago. Is that likely?

Ahhhhhh, girl, all of this has me so, so starry-eyed, like I’m so happy to hear this scene worked so well for you. I always get super nervous when I’m writing something sensitive that I’ve never gone through myself, and I try to do a bunch of research and read about peoples’ experiences and see what different accounts have in common to get to the core of it, but it’s still always a bit of a gamble. Not even in the sense of getting the symptoms and stuff right, because that’s just following a list, but more so capturing the gravity of it, not making it some melodramatic trivialized thing that robs it of weight, you know? That’s what I was the most worried about, so reading this review is just so, so wonderful, because it seems like you really felt everything I was trying to capture. Love love love your analysis of Bamon and their progression so far, and your note about how it felt like both the final piece of something and the beginning of something else. I think that’s such a great way to put it. You spend a fair bit of time in Damon’s head in 16, and it’s safe to say his whole breezy facade is cracked, but the vulnerability is definitely there. And as for the new beginning you mentioned in 15, I think what that ends up being in 16 is that trust is starting to build. He’s trying to avoid it at first, but it’s there and it’s growing, and in 17 (what was supposed to be 16, lmao), you’ll see the first moment where Damon actually volunteers information about himself. He isn’t asked, he isn’t panicking, he just finally gets to the point where he wants to talk about things, Chicago, etc. So I think it’s 100% likely that you’ll hear more about what happened there, and in an added bonus, it won’t all be from his mental narration! He’s going to bring it up. It’s comin’!

Edit: Having seen your posts, I have now seen that the next chapter will have Baroline friendship scenes and more Stefan back story – OMG yay so up for this! Also we need more about Stefan and the girl that cried after having sex with him (or was it the other way around?).

Hahaha literally BOTH of those things got lost in the split, I’m afraid. But they’re definitely coming! And lmaaaaaoooooo, in the fic, Stefan made a girl cry once, but I honestly wouldn’t put post-sex crying past him. Oh, Stefan, my precious emotional son.

Anyway, thanks so, so much for this glorious review, babe. As always, it was insightful and eloquent af and I’m crazy humbled to have readers like you. <3

[muddweekly]

My First Couple of Months During COVID

A joke circled around on Twitter that says future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in. It really has been quite a year so far. If 2020 was a symphony, the exposition (a major and repeated part in a song/symphony) would be COVID. Personally, I experienced the pandemic in three movements so far.

Part I - COVID Hit Asia. Yes, it’s real and deadly.

Back in December 2019, I found buried under a myriad of Chinese news one or two pieces of reporting about this mysterious lung decease. I forwarded it to my family in Asia and a friend from Wuhan. None of them knew anything about it. We all thought it would blow over just like a regular flu. Fast forward to late January, my parents and I were vacationing in Joshua Tree when the Wuhan lockdown news broken. Things suddenly got very serious. I remember whenever we had internet on that trip, we checked news on COVID. The number of cases started in the hundreds, then quickly went through the roof. I could clearly recall the anxiety in the are during that time. We didn’t have enough information on the concerning disease, so we refreshed our phones constantly, hoping to grasp the first piece of new information that’s somewhat trustworthy. Then in addition to medical information, the news also included airport and road closures, as well as Lunar New Year holiday extensions in China. The situation worsened drastically from day to day. To me, not having enough information in this age of info explosion on the internet was a novel and strange experience. At some point, we added mask purchase to our itinerary. We naively thought we would not have problem buying masks in the US. Boy, were we wrong. Only one of the tens of stores we went to had hand sanitizers, and none had masks - people in the LA area acted fast. That was when the panic truly kicked in - whatever we expected, the reality was worse, whether it was the disease itself or the shortage of masks. The mask shopping experience in LA was engraved in my mind and it turned out to be hugely helpful later on.

Part II - COVID was uncovered in New York

It was mid March when COVID hit NYC. It was incorrect to say “hit”, because there were probably many cases of COVID during Feb in NYC already. Global travel went on as usual in JFK, EWD, etc when Asia was battling with COVID. When I rode the subway everyday then, I experienced this delusional sense of peace and quietness before a storm that COVID just wouldn’t come to the US. But of course, as soon as testing started (thanks to the brave doctor Helen Chu), we found the situation was already pretty bad all over the coasts. The night when the Seattle nursing home COVID cases were reported, George and I went to the nearby stores and bought bottles of hand sanitizers. When we learned we didn’t buy enough for friends (they could not find any near them), we went back the second day, and there were none to be found. That night, George and I talked to my parents, who were still under regional lockdown in their home at the time. This was after weeks of city-wide quarantine since late Jan, during which they had to stay in their apartment the whole time and could only get food delivered, and during which they saw ambulances taking neighbors away through the windows. In those weeks, I could hear the anxiety in my parents voices even over the phone. After learning more about my parents experiences with the first wave of COVID in Asia, it became clear to us that we needed to take actions ourselves.

Part III - “I hope you are ready to melt snow for cooking, under this flashlight”

It was 7pm in a mid spring day. It was completely dark and quiet. Snowflakes were flying outside of our window. We lost electricity again. Of course there was no internet either.  It had been several weeks since we frantically left New York. Even though we physically left New York, it took much longer to accept it, and even harder, accept the state our world was in. Things just got worse and worse. There was no good news. The US was dealing with COVID, while Asia and part of Europe were dealing with the COVID aftermath - massive hits on businesses and jobs. A sense of impending doom was hanging over everyone’s head. Close friends lost jobs. Doctors and nurses on the frontline fell and some never came back. We felt hopeless and helpless. The ambitions we had pre-COVID to change the world seemed so trivial, naive, and fragile. Feeling the dread for a lasting period of time, I often glued to my computer hoping something online would distract me. Earlier on this snowy evening, I was doing just that again when the lights flickered. I bended down to check the plugs on the floor. Then I saw it happen - the “on” light on the plug extension flashed once, then went dark, taking away everything that emits light and makes noises in the space. Suddenly it went very quiet. It was like a flashback of mid March in NYC with COVID. I saw it happen right in front of me. I knew It was going to be bad but there was nothing I could do about it. The sense of control and ease from the abundance of choices I had were gone. All I could do was staring at the snow with my cabin mates. It was not completely dark outside yet, I could still make out the trajectories of snow dancing in the wind. It was so beautiful. We sat like that for 20 minutes or so until it went completely dark. As I began to accept that we were going to have to melt snow to cook and then put on everything we brought to go to sleep (no heat), I felt peaceful for the first time in month. As I came to terms with the dark snowy night, I started to accept COVID as well at that moment.

Extra: Thank you Conan O’Brien

When we lost electricity, which happened several times, my phone only had enough signals for a podcast. So podcasts were a big part of my life in the COVID spring. The one podcast I have come to love since then is Conan O’brien Needs a Friend. In all its silliness, the messages are loud and clear. For one, Humor doesn’t have to be dark and meaningful to be good. It could just be silly and delightful. And pure delight is important. For example (not a great one), I just realized people in my industry use both “recharge” and “unplug” to describe essentially the same things. To translate them in emojis, they read as ⛔️🔌->🔋. If you really think about it, it’s literally an oxymoron - how could you “recharge” if you are unplugged! But ofc it means to unplug your devices, and to “recharge” yourself. It’s interesting to me that we are using machine states to describe human energy level. This example, like many other trivial but delightful things, is not talking about big important topics like class struggles or racial inequalities, but it is meaningful in its own ways. It reminds me of the joy of metaphors and word plays. And for a moment, I get a break from all the pain in the world. These delights from silly and fun things like this here and there collectively give me enough energy to deal with other difficult and unexpected things in life. Another surprisingly wholesome message from the podcast is that good things, such as quality jokes, come from consistent hard work. Conan, for one, puts in a lot of work to write and create everyday even though he makes being funny seems so easy. Thank you Conan (along with Sona and Matt) for making me literally L.O.L. lots during this dark time, and more importantly, inspiring me to start working hard and creating again.