#for going on 30 years now. and your back has been getting worse. bc you refuse the surgery.

[lunar-fey]

oh it cut off the last three tags on that post, which ironically were just me mentioning something and then saying i'll make a separate post about it anyway, so -

i got a call from my pcp (the one who ordered the xrays and then mri of my spine [and set me up w a physical therapist between, because my insurance required it to get the mri...]) today and she opened by saying the same thing she said about carries heart monitor results: "i don't like this!"

so uh, she's sending me to a neurosurgeon ^_^

i (possibly) have an "atypical hemangioma" IN my spine. which to my best understanding is basically a blood vessel growth/mass. non cancerous, and normally non harmful. except. my fucking birth mark? the thing i had on my arm as a baby that is normally totally fine but in my case specifically was enough of a risk (was cutting off circulation in my arm muscle and they were worried it would atrophy/not grow right) that it had to be surgically removed as a 5(?) year old? was also. that.

so. seems possibly my body just really likes growing extra blood vessels in bad places?? regardless she is sending me along to a neurosurgeon next bc she was like yeah so its not as if there's a bunch of "free space" in your spine to begin with and this could very much cause constant compression on uhhh ALL THOSE NERVES IN THERE. 👍

[scourgeofmyownbrain]

Some more Optimus and Bumblebee thoughts <3

I've been working on an entirely different post about Megsy and Bee recently (it's gotten loooong), but I've been struck by some ideas for these two in the meantime. Part 3 of my ✨Adult✨ Bee and OP Found Family bc hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh brain rot. 1 & 2 bc you're not getting context here.

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Father and Son. Best friends. Partners in Crime. Two peas in a pod. If lost please return to Optimus I am Optimus. If lost in jail please return to Optimus I am Optimus not posting bail again... I get us into trouble I make it worse get us out of trouble.

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Imagine, I m a g i n e, the first time Bumblebee protected Optimus. Like real protect, like "Optimus will die if I don't fight here" protect. Imagine. We all know that Optimus is a real force to be reckoned with, do not fuck with him when he's angry. But hell hath seen no fury like a short kind man's wrath (the short is relative but you get it).

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Optimus has anxiety, Bumblebee has depression. Somehow they both help cure the other, just by existing.

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Take the norm and flip it like a waterbottle. Bumblebee is the one to adopt Optimus. Is Optimus older than him? Irrelevant and useless information, Bumblebee is a father now.

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Rando: Why is Bumblebee standing on your shoulders?

OP: He likes to be tall.

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(I've had age swap stuff on the mind as of late, so enjoy.)

Older Bee is like an old cowboy, he's confident, sassy, not afraid of death (bc ~depression~), a wicked good shot, could drink bots twice his size under the table (make him 10 feet tall or 30 feet tall, either way it's funny), and could charm your socks clean off. Imagine a cowboy stereotype. That's older Bee.

Orion Pax, as we all know, is a tightly wound ball of Fight or Flight Anxiety. You don't know if he's gonna break into a dead sprint or flatten you with a right hook. Either way, please don't stress him out, he doesn't want to go to jail again, he has work tomorrow.

When you put the two together, somehow Orion has less anxiety. No one understands it. Bee is an agent of chaos, he gets into fist fights bc they're fun, he cheats in every card game he plays (that go fish game was wild), but for some reason Orion just relaxes around him. And he's done a lot more breaking and entering, which normally would be concerning but Bee's got his back if things go south, it's fine. Bumblebee actually starts putting effort into existing again (depression is a bitch) and starts doing things other than drinking. It's fun, he hasn't had this much fun in years. And he can absolutely vibe with being a dad. Yes, his son is already an adult; that just means he missed out on the hard shit and got to skip right to the fun bit.

My brain won't word for some reason, just take every scenario I've already laid out and swap it to this.

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I was reading Prey by Yatzstar (Banger Babee and Dadimus one, by the way, short and sweet), and I thought, "What if: this, but big" and now we're here. Go give some love to the fic first; I'm just remixing the end, not plagiarizing. (Italics are copied from fic directly, I needed a starting point.)

For several long moments, there was silence.

Then in the darkness, something stirred. Twin points of blue appeared, blinking against the dust, and headlights flickered on to reveal an enormous crimson mech. And draped across his lap was a smaller yellow mech.

Optimus massaged his throat, his voice box aching. A sparking noise drags his attention downward. The yellow mech lets out a noise of pain as the wound in his side sparked again. Optimus's optics narrow in concern.

"I'm good, big-bot," Bumblebee says through gritted denta, "wire just slipped."

Optimus lets his servo hover above Bumblebee's side, waiting for permission. Bumblebee shifts to allow the larger bot access to his injury. Two exposed wires were nearly touching, electricity arcing between them. Optimus pinches one and gently pulls it away from the other, and Bumblebee sighs in relief. Optimus lets the wire go when he's sure it won't slip back.

The building around them shifts slightly and dust falls from the ceiling.

"Absolutely horrific noises, by the way, you should make them more often."

Optimus looks down at Bumblebee with a raised optic ridge. "My voice box would cease functioning if I did that more than once."

"Probably, but if it got reactions like that, I think it's worth it."

Optimus rolls his optics at Bumblebee's smirk, a small smile creeping onto his faceplate. "I believe we will be here a while, just until the coast is clear."

"You can tell me how you made those noises while we wait!"

"I am not telling you that."

"Aw, come on, it'd be funny!"

(Holy shit, I kept it short, it's a fucking miracle. And it's properly formated? What demon possessed me)

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Optimus's chaos is much subtler than Bee's. Quiet one-liners, dead pan responses, (Hey Optimus, you wanna see something funny? No?) And Yes, he does in fact do this stuff on purpose. he's not just a stoick monolith, he likes having fun. Does Bumblebee encourage it? Yes absolutely why wouldn't he. It fucking hysterical. The best one they've done so far is gaslight several people that Optimus knew while he was Orion into thinking they are actually related. Yes he is my son, yes your math is correct he was born when I worked at Iacon. What do you mean you don't remember him he was 100% there you must be misremembering, I would get that checked out. They usually do this to Megatron for some reason.

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I can not be asked to elaborate. Y'all are smart, figure it out yourself.

(the cheat, btw)

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One day, random fucking day in the week, Optimus was looking through some old photos. Photos of him and Megatron. Why? Couldn't fucking tell you, maybe he wanted to make himself feel bad, who fucking knows. But he was looking, and he was in his feelings. He wasn't crying, he had done his crying years ago, but he was feeling bad. and he just keeps looking at himself in these photos; how happy he was, how unaware of the shit that was about to go down, and just- hurts inside. Later that night, he's in a bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror. He thinks about the old photos of him and how little he's changed. Barely anything has changed, he's still got the same haircut, the same style of clothes, the same everything. This needs to change. But not yet (the anxiety is ~spiking~).

Eventually, Optimus is in a drug store staring at the hair dye. He is considering just stealing it at this point because buying it feels like admitting something, and Optimus is Not Readytm to admit shit. He is very normal about his feelings, don't you know. And he can't decide which colour to get. He is having a C r i s i s. Eventually he syces himself up and just gets a red and a blue dye. He then proceeds to shove the dye under his bathroom sink and refuses to think about it. For several weeks. He's so normal guys, I promise-

Bumblebee dyes his hair bright fucking yellow. What, did you think his highlighter yellow hair colour was natural? Get real, he works hard to keep it this obnoxiously bright. He has to touch up the colour every once in a while, and every time, he offers to do anyone's hair as well if they bring their own dye. He's been doing it himself for years. One night, after getting back from a long mission. It's kind of late, most of the base is in their rooms probably sleeping, and Bee is winding down by touching up his roots. Optimus nervously approaches with his red and blue dye in hand. Bumblebee notices his approach and pauses. Bee waits for Optimus to say something (he doesn't). They stand there staring at each other in awkward silence. Bumblebee asks if Optimus wants to dye his hair. Thank god Bumblebee is a mind reader.

Bumblebee channels his inner hairdresser and begins bleaching Optimus's hair. Yes, he is doing the voice. Optimus doesn't say anything the entire time, he just looks at his lap. Bumblebee doesn't ask why Optimus wants to dye his hair, because Bee is a homie, and homies don't need to ask; they just know. Homies also know how to deal with you when you go non-verbal; Bumblebee grabs the boxes and uses them to ask how Optimus wants the colours to be. Optimus gives a thumbs up to red on top and blue around the sides. Ooh, good choice, honey, now I hope you don't care about this shirt too much. Optimus walks out of the bathroom with a brand new head of hair and some black towels to put on his pillows ("If you don't take the towels, you will wake up with beautiful new lilac pillowcases in the morning. And don't wear light colours for like a week. Now go sleep, it's past your bedtime.") Optimus says a quiet thank you and scurries away, triumphant in his month-and-a-half long quest.

The next morning is uneventful. There are a few double takes when people notice their leader's new plumage and a few compliments here and there, but no one asks why. When Optimus looks at his reflection, he can't help but smile a bit. Bumblebee manages to snatch a few selfies with him, saying they are "Primary Colour Duo" now.

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A bunch of shitty things I made in powerpoint bc I'm unstoppable

[marengogo]

came across this thread today, the op was saying how Army don’t stream for the members equally, and that we all should love all their music.

I’m lucky I do, and I don’t agree necessarily with the thread, but is there some truth to it? Have the company sabotaged the members? Do they care about their solo careers?

I get the feeling they do and don’t. As in, they respected the decision for them to go solo but only to a degree, bc I can see there was some errors, or fumbles along the way, and each solo fan base that’s come along be it Army or vile solos, has a gripe.

Is it bc the members just want to be in the group? To me they keep saying it, Jimin said it to Yoongi, so you have him being so successful in his solo debut, and gaining awards and records left and right, but to Yoongi he says the group comes first. Obviously solos ignore this, are demanding pjm 3 already, think he’s going to act next, and want a world tour next year. Are they going to be disappointed? Or will Army?

How do you think this will look next year and beyond?

The one thing I do agree with the person about it getting them to do weird things when the come back, maybe not Run but kinda, the childish things surely should be left at the door? Not bc they weren’t good, but they are all nearly 30 plus.

Dear Anon,

Thank you for stopping by with this Ask 🙏🏾. There’s actually been many, very interesting Asks that have been sent, which deserve an answer but this one has topics I’ve been meaning to talk about since June but business and laziness have been reigning supreme in my neck of the woods so … with regards to; How I view Chapter 1.5. Cause you see, we call it Chapter 2, for obvious reasons, but I am almost certain that on an episode of Suchwita one of the boys mentioned how their coming back together as a band would be what they consider Chapter 2, which you could be thinking “Tomatoh, Tomahto”, but I think it is a very distinctive chapter in the story of their lives, which deserves its proper nomenclature.

So, thanks to you, I am basically going to be ranting, educatedly as always, and because I have been seriously frustrated about many points within your Ask, I will be probably be at an all time sarcasm, but I want to say this now, please rest assured, it is not directed at you at all mainly at majority of the people on the blue Bird App 🤡. I will do my best to obviously answer all your questions in the process, however, if I were to fail in doing so, please feel free to write back and say “Yo, you pansy-ass Marengo, you did everything but answer my questions, where my answers at?!” 🫰🏾💜. 

And that’s it for my preface disclaimer, now, may the rant commence!

CHAPTER 1.5 WAS MEANT FOR ARMY

There is a disconnect. 

There is a massive disconnect between the Tannies and many ARMY, which was created due to our future’s uncertainty, mixed with dreadful tales from the past. One thing we tend to forget, sometimes, is that these boys are de facto from South Korea. In the past couple of years, no matter how global they get, the way the Western Music Industry has been “dealing” with them nominating them for grammys, but never winning, not wanting them to be on radio, etc, added to the way they are treated in their very own home worse than criminals upon making mistakes, only good for trophies and tourism, etc has heavily emphasised this fact for me.

And then the biggest one of all; SK’s Conscription aka Compulsory Military Service. Few have been given exemptions, based on having done waaaay less than our boys many a politician son is within this as well …, and there was a period between 2020 and 2021 where I wished they could be exempted. My opinion changed since then, but in all honesty, regardless of what the government would decide, or what Koreans felt about it, deep down, both them, as well as ourselves, knew that they would be going. That being understood, it was now a case to be confronted with the sad history that idols who go for their service tend to be forgotten and can never really make a successful comeback. Hence, as Korean men, they must have worried about this like crazy, 18 months are, after all, a lot of days to ask for someone to wait in their case it was a total of almost 3 years.

Blue Bird ARMY: B1tch! I’d wait even 10 years for the boys, what the hell are you on about?! … Yeah well, it wasn’t just waiting for us though, was it? hyb3 is going through its fair amount of sh1t, and random nugus and their mamas keep trying to smear the boys’ name every other business day. It’s been hard AF for us going through it, and I am sure for them as well, not being able to be here with us while we go through it. Missing each other has been a major issue as well, but, speaking about missing, let’s go back to the disconnect I was talking about. Here is the situation:

Tannies - “I don’t want to leave ARMY, I’m so scared they will forget me, but at the same time, I need some time alone, so perhaps this is a good time as any to wander alone, for a bit, while providing ARMY with something they can remember me by, hopefully appreciate, and mostly enjoying, just while we are apart for a while. Basically, I get to explore and have new goals, before having to serve but all the while I’ll keep my lovely ARMY entertained: WIN-WIN!”.

ARMY - “I don’t want the Tannies to leave but they have to, so, somehow, I have to show how much I appreciate them and how there is no way in hell I could ever forget them- BUT HOLD ON … he got a concert, but my bias didn’t … global superstar? What is my fav then? Chopped liver? … Jazz?? Why the hell should I listen to that, when we have a great pop song … The company doesn’t care about my fav, why are they even here, they should leave! … Family? What family, they never wanted to be together to begin with, as soon as the military is over, each one will go their separate way, mark my words … 🤡.

We are on completely different mental and emotional planes.

I am sure the boys are super happy with all the goals and achievements they made while being away, and I am positive they didn’t think any of this was possible while they were not around, but if even it were to happen, they probably thought ARMY would do it like they always have, together. Instead, forget about antis and boycotters for a second, we presently have to deal with solos and shippers within our fandoms, who have taken it into their own hands to redefine this chapter as a time of belligerent independence, instead of creative, and peaceful, waiting. 

I think the boys didn’t want us to try and free them from the very environment they are basically responsible for creating, I think they wanted us to still be here united in said environment, while enjoying 7 different trips along the way, but yeah, some of us completely misread the map, some of us are lost as hell within one of the 7 trips, and some other just didn’t go on the journey waiting for the boys to be back on the “initial” path.  

IT’S NOT ABOUT LIKING, IT’S ABOUT SUPPORTING

If rap is not your cup of tea, it would be ludicrous to ask you to suddenly become an aficionado. Nobody is asking that. Take for example a close friend of mine. They are an OT7 who didn’t like one of the solo albums that were released this year, regardless, they streamed it so hard you’d think the person was their fav. They might have put extra emphasis on their bias, but they were never below par when it came to all other 6 members, because they understood the assignment, and they respected the “teachers”. 

875 is a group composed of 3 rappers and 4 vocalists. Within this subdivision there are pop lovers, jazz lovers, dance lovers, alternative & indie lovers and epic production lovers. This isn’t a novelty, it’s always been like this. They’ve never hid it, it was always all out in the open, so what’s different now? Why are people acting surprised at Jin choosing the happy route or Hobi focusing on dancing? Blue Bird ARMY: “But they are also individuals, they deserve to shine in their individuality” Well, yes. But if all we do is being too busy fvcking up the only environment that allows them to freely be said individuals, where the fvck else are they going to do that?! I mean HYB3 may be the devil incarnate, but it is always better the devil you know the world out there is seriously fvcked up; SERIOUSLY FVCKED UP. 

Furthermore, let me tell you another giant problem about being a solo, shipper, or one eyed fan; you can’t see the bigger picture. The bigger picture is not important because just because it is pretty, like sure, trophies and accolades are great and all, but we are here supposedly for the music, but also because we think these 7 young men are just exquisite. Blue Bird ARMY: “And what if you think that only 1 is and the others should disappear?” And this is the part I’m gonna "spell out":

That 👏🏾, my blue birded ARMY friend, is 👏🏾 exclusively 👏🏾 your 👏🏾own 👏🏾 fvcking 👏🏾 problem 👏🏾.

Not everything is a fvcking conspiracy, the Tannies have said time and time and time again how they want to be together on stage, so what’s with all the forced narratives, uh? And you see, people who didn’t watch Suchwita wouldn’t know it, people who didn’t watch Are You Sure wouldn’t know it, people who don’t watch Run Jin wouldn’t know it, heck people who only watch their fave WEVERSE live wouldn’t know it. No matter how much you want to surround yourself of just your fave, it is fundamental to understand that this boys are surrounded by each other, because in reality, they can truly only trust the 7 of them. Period.  

So when you are blocking out Tae, because you are a jkker, know that you are also blocking out a part of jkk. When you are ignoring the rapline, because you like the maknae line only, know that you are also ignoring a part of the maknae line. When you are disrespecting 6 members because you are just a JK solo, know that you are also disrespecting JK. This is a paramount concept to understand, for real, we should never be forced to like, but we need to learn to respect and properly support, because supporting each member makes it easier to help each of them reach their goals, as they won’t have to worry about one another.

OF BEERS, LEGOS AND WHATEVER TF YOU WANT!

Now, I'm not sure what Era ARMY people are nowadays, I was today years old when I found out that there are Yoongi Incident Era ARMY like damn fam! But if you were a 2022 Festa ARMY you probably watched a WEVERSE live or two. The most memorable, to me, are probably Jungkook basically staycationing, with drinks at all, and Jimin making things out of LEGO. 

JK is the type who has nothing to hide, but at the same time will not tell you things he doesn’t want to talk about. Period. He drank in his house in front of us, did laundry in his house in front of us, watched movies in his house, cooked in his house, had guests in his house, showed us said house itself, but you know one thing he’s never shown us? Jimin in his house, yet we know for a fact JM was in his house at least twice. And it definitely wasn’t for lack of trying! The hyung line, minus Joonie, also did several lives, all very informative, some playful and carefree and then there is Joonie. His were emotionally all over the place, and we couldn’t quite understand, at the time.

What I’m trying to say here is that in everything, from their lives, to their private time, to their projects, the boys seemed to have absolute freedom in the actions and choices they made: THEY ARE BTS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! If they can’t, in SK’s entertainment who can? You see, hyb3/BH/g3ffen etc all messed up, a lot, for all of the members and that’s a fact. Some g3ffen really have no clue what the fvck they are doing, some others hyb3/BH have had a lot of other fish to fry mhj, k-media, and company, but I do believe that there never was any real malicious intent why shit where you eat??? I do think though that there was real disorganization. Why? because our boys are unprecedented.

The steps they take, the records they break, the achievements they make are all unprecedented in their environment. There is no blueprint as to how to handle a band like 875, because they are the blueprint. Hyb3 artists have much more freedom than any of the artists in the big 3 could ever wish for, or even comprehend, and this notion is completely lost with the likes of a certain girl group 🙄, like, the very fact that they can go around blabbering the way they are, is a result of the fact that they are part of a company whose environment was mostly moulded by our boys and hence allows that.

All of this is to say that if JK was drinking live, it isn’t because the managers told him to, it is because he wanted to. If JM was building lego live, it isn’t because the managers told him to, it is because he wanted to. If Jin started asking ARMY directly what they wanted him to do, it isn’t because the managers told him to, but it is because he wanted to. The most managers can currently ever wish to obtain from these boys is to please please please not spoil sh1t 🥹even that, some of our boys, struggle with, sometimes … okay, many a time 😬.

ARMY have certain expectations from the Tannies. Some Tannies do as well, and some others have no idea what to think and, once again, here is indeed where the problem lies. For example, Blue Bird ARMY: “Jin, I want you to be an actor” but Jin doesn’t want to, he’s said it so many times; so where do we go from there? You think doing PG-13 rated things is not good for JM’s image but he was comfortable only doing that at the time, because maybe he was going through he’s own private issues; so where do we go from there? And by all means I would like him to feel comfortable to express mature concept in ways other than dancing, but that would depend on him or us asking in a no-pressure, mature, manner.

I think there has to be a conversation between ARMY and the Tannies, kinda like what Jin suggested when he asked us what we wanted from us, and then it was up to him to decide, because, as the own person that he is, there are some things he doesn’t want to do acting in a k-drama and sometimes he was very happy to do participate in variety shows. It has always been about the two of us, Tannies & ARMY. It was always a love and respectful bond between the 7 of them and our fandom. But now it feels like solos and shippers are about to run a platform we never subscribed to. 

I know that Red is such a passionate color and Orange is playful as hell, Yellow is such a happy colour to me like it can do no harm! Green is so calming and pretty, Blue has depth and can be a bit scary at times, Indigo is dreamy and promising, and Violet, well violet is sexy AF. But aren’t Rainbows simply amazing? I think they are, and you can only have rainbows with all 7 colours.

Each color can exist on its own in nature, but rainbows need a space and light to be reflected on, the sky's the biggest area where you can reflect a rainbow, and just because we know the sky is not a limit for us, it doesn’t mean we are okay to ruin it. Let’s have a perfect sky ready for the boys when they come back. ARMY is the name they gave us to support and protect all 7 of them, let's find a way to unite each other again and find a new plane where we can both, Tannies & ARMY, meet once again 🙏🏾.

Always respectfully yours 💜,

Marengo.

PS - I apologies to all the other great asks as well, the cold weather makes me lazier than usual 🙇🏾‍♀️

[dvskf4llz]

Hello there! I always do enjoy finding more Hermitcraft x reader content as there never seems to be a good amount at times.

Anywhoosle, could I possibly get a Rendog x reader(fem or gender neutral, your choice) where it is nothing but fluff? Like, he comforts reader after a very bad day they had(I have had the worst day ever in my life so far, and have been watching Ren's videos to brighten my spirits)

Thanks, and take your time with the request, no rush or hurry.

Heck yeah!! I find so much comfort through Ren's videos aswell! He's my number one comfort YouTuber‼️

Anyways enjoy this little oneshot :3

I srsly need to stop forgetting to post 😭😭

Rough days

𝓡𝓮𝓷𝓭𝓸𝓰 𝔁 𝓖𝓝!𝓡𝓮𝓪𝓭𝓮𝓻

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Summary: The reader has been having quite the bad days as of recently, their lover Ren had noticed this so he decided to comfort them and reassure them that everything will be okay <3

Type: Fluffy oneshot, romantic (I'm so sorry if you wanted platonic-)

Warnings ⚠: no warnings, just slight angst to fluff/hurt to comfort

Proofread: nah (I don't think it'll ever be)

This is a bit rushed once more bc my dumbass keeps forgetting to post.. Also I only just found out now how to add the 'read more' thing after posting for about a year now 😭😭

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As of recently, you'd been feeling down mentally. For a few days now, nothing had been going too good for you. You'd been constantly getting pulled around to help things with the Hermits, you barely got any time to yourself. Not to mention, you had quite the building projects that were in the works. Though, due to you having to help the Hermits you barely had any time to work on your own stuff. And not only did you struggle with bringing different animals to different pens, they would somehow end up escaping when you weren't looking! You had quite the long days.

At the end of the week, you had finally thought that you could take a break. But as soon as you were about to just lay down for a bit, you end up hearing a 'ding' from your communicator. You were about to just absolutely lose it, but you decided to stay calm for now and see who it was. It was Gem, she had asked you to help with a part of her build. You, wanting to be a good friend just accepted because you struggled with saying no.

And so, you made your way out of the base and headed over to Gem's. Ren on the otherhand who had been building outside, watched you leave the house a bit aggressively. He had a concerned expression on his face as he watched you slowly walk more and more farther away, he knew something was up. He was going to find out what was bothering you because no way in heck was he going to let his lover be all frowny.

While you thought this whole thing would only take like 30 minutes or so, you were absolutely wrong. The small part of Gem's build took a whole 3 HOURS because Gem kept on changing her mind throughout the whole thing, you had been trying so hard not to just lose it right then and there. You wanted to be a good friend to Gem so of course, you helped her with her constant changing of this part of her build. By the time you were finally done and heading back home, it started raining.

"How could this day get even worse at this point?" You groaned in annoyance as you continued walking back home with no umbrella or hood because you didn't know it was going to rain today, things just HAD to not go your way today... What made things worse was that when you arrived infront of your base, you noticed a fence missing and also your cows missing. Yikes. It was so hard not to just start raging right now.

So after you finally got your cows back, you stepped inside of the house and practically almost fell down face forward. You would've actually fell if Ren hadn't been there to catch you on time, he had been waiting in front of the door for a bit now. He could already see just how soaked you were from having to be in the rain for so long, he lead you over to the couch and grabbed some towels quickly. He soon had returned with some fluffy and thick towels and began to help dry you off, he had also made you to grab some of your clothes for you to change into so that you wouldn't have wet clothes on your body the whole time. He would rather not have his partner be sick!! Also, he'd definitely make a light hearted joke about you looking like a soaked wet cat.

Once you had started to change your clothes, Ren would close his eyes to respect you. Even if you said it was fine, he still didn't open his eyes (maybe he'd peak his eyes out once but only that one time). Ren did not want to make you uncomfortable in any way, he loved you too much to do that to you. So after you were done changing, he finally opened his eyes and pulled you close to him. He'd hug you tightly, but not tight enough to hurt you. Again, he loves you so much so he would never do anything to hurt you.

Ren was about to cuddle you on the couch, but then realized it would probably be too uncomfortable for you so he decided to carry you back to your guys' shared room. If you didn't want to be carried though, he'd just gently take your hand and lead you over to the bedroom. He'd set you down on the bed so you'd be laying down, him then laying down next to you as well and holding you close.

If he were to see you still upset, he'd first reassure you by saying something like:

"Everything's going to be just fine alright? Things may have not gone your way today, but at least the next day might be better."

If it wasn't enough, he'd make a joke that's either suggestive/flirty to make you smile or just meant to make you laugh (not writing anything for this because idk how to do sht like that 😭)

Ren would be such a cuddle bear towards you the whole time you're in bed, he would not let you get out even if one of the Hermits had been asking you to help them once more. He would probably just take your communicator and type the Hermit a quick and 'polite' message mention how you were busy with him and would place your communicator aside, away from your reach.

Ren was NOT going to allow you to continue to overwork yourselves with all the Hermits' favors, you needed a break. And a cuddle session was what he figured you needed, afterall you two also haven't been able to spend quality time together so this was working out quite a lot.

Overall, you managed to get enough rest and also just be with Ren for the day. You were protestant at first, but now you were enjoying the cuddle session and shared kisses from time to time.

------------------------------------------------------

WEEWOW!!! YOU GOT TO THE ENDING!! hope y'all enjoyed it as per usual, I'm editing this tmr as it is currently 12 am for me rn‼️‼️ I don't like how short this is so yeah probably will update this soon

Anyways, hope you guys have been doing better and been taking care of yourself! Bye bye for now reader!

[stuft]

Mein Gott

That was the right decision, I needed that 90-min massage so badly. I usually am fine with one hour but I needed work on my feet and calves as well as my shoulders and back and although I had to pee starting about 30-45 minutes in, it was so good and relaxing. I like Thai massage bc they stretch your limbs. I think a lot of them will do a hybrid of Swedish type massage along with Thai where they stretch your limbs and get on your back. As much as I enjoy the Swedish style, I get much more benefit out of Thai or Shiatsu, these types of modalities or what you call it. I walked out of there feeling lighter, like they'd switched out my broken down sneakers for new ones, and much more relaxed.

(and I actually used my German with her which she appreciated, I guess for me it's also comforting knowing her German isn't native, and she did speak some English too but I think I used almost all German woo hoo)

Here's another thing. I know my diet is very much connected to my moods/health/mental well-being. Even though the wheat over here doesn't bother me as much, I've been partaking too much, consuming more sugar, and overall eating crappily, which, like hey, it's not easy staying in good eating habits on vacation especially in a place like Germany. But I have been kind of a nervous wreck for (at least) a couple days. Part of it is just like, I'm getting ready to go home so there is the packing and getting to Zürich part (not wanting to go back to the shit show but tired of living out of a suitcase), and today it was making sure I got to my appointment on time and finding the place (which I knew was in an area I'd been to a bunch, but was concerned it was in like an upstairs floor that I needed to get buzzed into or something) but none of that should have me so nervous, and my stomach has been kind of in shreds and that is a vicious cycle bc it was not feeling well and then the nerves made it worse and I was hoping *ahem* I did not need to run to the toilet in the middle of the massage (beyond needing to pee) but like...it's also this uncertainty in my life, the state of the world, all this stuff but I know from over the years that I am a much calmer more confident person when I can keep to my diet. This last week I have just felt like Anxiety Rioty. not cool.

Anyway now I have to paaaaaack wahhhh

[jadeglas]

Wow, it's been a hot minute since I was last here in an interacting, not lurking way, but let's try this again!

I'm Jade, a 30-something year old mama and storyteller cleverly disguised as a grown ass woman. I have trouble with consistency and I hate being in charge, but I promise I can tell a good story.

Things have been gradually getting to be too much over the past ... 8 or 9 months or so? I have a bad habit in which I'll set reasonable goals and schedules for myself, get bored at the difficulty level, and start increasing the intensity of too many things, too quickly, without giving myself time to adjust to anything properly, and then wonder why I feel like I'm drowning. It's something I'm working on.

There's this app called Sprout? It helps. You get a cute bird friend to help encourage you to complete tasks and take care of yourself. Message me if you're on Sprout, too, and you want a friend!

So yeah, I'm a mama first, always. I started working part time at my youngest gremlin's preschool, but I'll be backing off that a little bit soon, so that should give me a consistent day to create.

My original stories that I first started telling everyone about? They've changed so much! I have a different structure, now, and so many potential new stories to write. The same premise, though - A world in which a small portion of the population has superpowers. A country in which you either register your superpowers with the government so that you can use them legally (sanctioned), or don't register them, gaining the title non-Sanctioned, and risk imprisonment or worse if you're found out. And of course, the theme to the series is action/thriller romance in which the villain (or vigilante) gets the girl, because heroes are nice and all, but at the end of the day, don't you want someone willing to burn the world down just to see you smile? I'll go on more about it in another post, don't want to make this one drag on too long.

Oh! And I started a business, bc of course I didn't have enough I was trying to do already, but it's already registered and legal and everything, even if I don't have my own website up yet. I've been learning about how to put websites together, so if you have any questions about that, feel free to drop a question to me! Once I get over the imposter syndrome, I'll be wanting to work with authors, especially romance authors, and I know Squarespace best, but I know a lot of "best practice" stuff that's helpful for any platform, too.

So yeah, if any of this peaks your interest, feel free to say hi. Like I said, I'm inconsistent and trying to work out why I'm not getting notifications that people have been messaging me? I set an alarm to help me remember to check that regularly, so communication should improve (if you have messaged me and are waiting on a response, I'm so sorry!)

And if you're a writer, too, tell me about what you're working on! I like most stuff and I'll be happy to gush about your fic with you, fan or oc!

Take care of yourself, ok?

~ Jade

[holocene-sims]

asking a bunch for grant bc im NOSY : 🌾 [RICE SHEAF] How picky is your OC with food? What will and won't they eat? 🍔 [BURGER] What would your OC put on their burger? 🥕 [CARROT] How tough is your OC against certain situations? How weak are they against others?🧅 [ONION] What is surefire to make your OC cry? Who knows of this information?

omg hi nectar 🤭 thanks for sending me some questions!!

🌾 [RICE SHEAF] how picky is your OC with food? what will and won't they eat?

grant is, like, negative picky. the only thing he doesn't really like is any kind of tea but he'll drink it if you give it to him and every once in a while, for a very special flavor, he'll approve of it. maybeeeee not like it but at least tolerate it more than usual.

so yeah!! he'll eat anything, he does not care. he enjoys cooking and baking, it's all very relaxing for him, and he likes trying new things.

however, probably large in part because he never got to eat anything fun as a child unless he was far, far away from his mother (who only ever served "rabbit food"), he does gravitate to classic american comfort cuisine as his favorite foods! stuff like macaroni and cheese, pizza, etc. he might be the #1 mac and cheese stan worldwide tbh

🍔 [BURGER] what would your OC put on their burger?

the absolute dream combo for him would probably be like standard burger patty and bread with sauerkraut and swiss cheese, maybe a fried egg for funsies, too

can you tell he's from the midwest

🥕 [CARROT] how tough is your OC against certain situations? how weak are they against others?

i truly believe grant is much, much tougher than people would at first give him credit for (or even than he would give himself credit for...)

he's been through a lot in his lifetime and he can be very critical of himself for having developed mental illness, a chronic physical illness, and for struggling with addiction in the past because he feels like it's all his fault and he wasn't strong enough to make it out "normally" (there is no normal, i just think he would use that terminology against himself). but the reality is that survival AT ALL is a huge deal and is worth celebrating, and he's very resilient to have gotten to the place he's at in life now. was it fair that he had to be resilient? no, not even remotely, but in a way, he had no choice.

so that said, i think as he's gotten a better handle on healing throughout his 20s and now 30s (yay!! we just had his birthday last update in the story!!), he's become much more unshakable. social situations are his weakest area - for example, it took him a long time to stand up to his ex and tell her to get out of his life, and it is going to take even longer for him to work out the situation with his father and confront him one way or another.

NOW what is he really good at?! handling emergencies! if you're in a car accident, he's the guy you want to be in the car with you at the time because he won't break a sweat dealing with it. he's very mechanically-minded and good with logic and problem solving, so any emergency is not even slightly going to bother him because he does know he's good at those things. he trusts himself completely as long as he can use those skills. plus, he has many years of experience in compartmentalization lol.

we could also think about his previous job (that he's attempting to get back now) here. aviation is very safe for the most part, but you have to be chill about any kind of crazy ass events happening as a pilot because the stakes are ridiculously high. grant has an advantage in the chill factor, though, because on any day of the week, he'd 100% choose flying an airplane that's on fire or literally falling apart over being in the same building, not even the same room, as his mother. in his mind, he's dealt with much worse.

🧅 [ONION] what is surefire to make your OC cry? who knows of this information?

remember the not as good with social stuff thing?

yeahhhh, it's raising your voice at him. you don't even have to yell, you can just barelyyyyyy raise it and his eyes will at least get watery. he can handle honesty, he can handle bluntness, but not anything with a tone or yelling 😥

and i think everyone knows because his emotions always show on his face. in this case, he'll get that kind of twitchy look and his face will look like it's just been completely drained of life

[shioritsumi]

More shit on Shen Tianyu:

-Shang Qingshui and Shen Tianyu have been friends since they were kids, on the grounds of them both being insufferable smart-asses at the time. Only Tianyu's family got the nicest side of him, everyone else got the authoritative snark. They became friend when classmates were complaining to Tianyu about Qingshui being mean and Tianyu just bullied him back. They exchanged insults for ten minutes and for a couple of 8-year olds, that's the equivalent of forming a lifelong friendship vow, practically marriage.

-Shang Qingshui and Shen Tianyu were roommates in college and totally dated at the time. They broke up and got back together no less than five times before Tianyu finally met Lianhua and actually married her. Qingshui was at their wedding and everything. (Lianhua was genuinely concerned for a while he might try to steal her husband. He found the concept hilarious bc why the fuck would he steal Shen Tianyu of all people she's funny.)

-Shang Qingshui is part of why Shen Tianyu got suspended from his job during his breakdown. He attempted their usual office banter, and when Tianyu didn't respond accordingly he got worse and worse until Tianyu snapped and lashed out at him. They've sort of smoothed it over since, but Qingshui isn't the sort of person who apologizes so they kind of just act like it never happened. No, no one understands their friendship. Not even them.

-"are you happy or sad there's no Mobei-jun here?" Shang Qingshui is insulted by both the assumption he'd WANT to see Mobei-jun after he literally was killed by the man in his previous life AND the assumption that there isn't anyone like Mobei-jun in their world at all. (The CEO of a rival company bears a striking resemblance to Mobei-jun and for his part Qingshui is actively trying to stay off his radar, he is NEVER getting put back in the demon spy position ever again and he is never providing his neck for anyone even VAGUELY resembling Mobei-jun.)

-Shen Tianyu used to be involved in martial arts when he was much younger, but eventually quit. He insists it's because he needed the extra time to study for his cram school and prep school and whatnot. Actually he has a highly competitive nature and he accidentally hurt some other kids in class and he was told he could either go to counselling to control his temper when dealing with students at a lower level than him, or he could just...quit. He quit.

-When he does get allowed back to work again, Tianyu's put in charge of training new employees and they start to call him Shizun bc they hear Bingge calling him that and think it fits.

-If they ever manage to meet SQQ and Binghe again, Bingge would definitely try to brag about how he's totally met his perfect shizun and SQQ can't even compare! Then Tianyu opens his mouth and reveals not only is their relationship not some perfect cutesy "housewife Bingge" and "gracious shizun" marriage, Bingge has to keep lecturing Tianyu on self-destructive habits and Tianyu keeps having to remind Bingge to try to be more chill about literally everything.

-Bingge has cut down on most of Tianyu's drinking and self-destructive behavior and despite being 30+, Tianyu has been an absolute BABY about the whole thing. He's allowed to only hold sharp objects when he's cooking, which he doesn't do often anymore because Bingge does that now. Bingge has also taken custody of all of Tianyu's lighters for the same reason as the knives. ("I'd light a lovely scented candle for you, but SOMEONE doesn't trust me with lighters anymore!" "I saw you get drunk and try to burn your tongue once, you're never getting them back.")

-Shen Jiuyuan may secretly be the OG SQQ transmigrated back into the modern world as a small child. Far as everyone knows, Jiuyuan has turned rather anti-social and awkward lately, but this has been attributed his parents' divorce and how ugly their relationship got afterwards. For his part, Shen Tianyu ADORES his son and dotes on him endlessly while Bai Lianhua seems to view her son as means to an end at this point.

What Tianyu can't fully understand is why his young son is so nervous around his new boyfriend Bingge. Is he scared bc Bingge is big and muscular and also new? Kids can be scared when new people come into their parents' lives, right? He's pretty sure the counsellor mentioned that, so as long as he reassures Jiuyuan that Bingge isn't going to replace him and he's still going to have time for him, it'll be okay, right?

Meanwhile from Jiuyuan's perspective: that is LUO BINGHE. His op disciple, the spirit of karmic vengeance, the man who took his arms and legs and sworn brother and even his LIFE and now he's the doting protective boyfriend to Jiuyuan's brand new dad???? What the fuck?

-there's a lot of OG people from PIDW around Shen Tianyu and for all his memorization of the story, Tianyu appears to be the only one who should notice who hasn't. (the rival CEO who looks like Mobei-jun may in fact actually BE the OG Mobei-jun, who knows.)

[the-ghost-bracket]

Ghostbur propaganda:

"My man was literally haunting not just the characters, but the narrative itself"

"Dude he is so sad all the time, nobody takes him seriously because he’s so kind and upbeat but he really and truly is so sad, he’s got awful memory problems, all he wants is people to be happy like he couldn’t have been, but they don’t even stop his pet sheep from dying because “it’ll just come back” bc it’s a ghost too and then he has a whole thing about how that doesn’t mean they don’t feel pain too and just he’s very very sad and is perpetually stuck in a train station all alone forever"

"This ghost, this poor little ghost was done SO dirty oh my god. Okay for context in case you don’t know about anything from that hellhole minecraft server, in that universe you get 3 lives, and once you die you get sent to limbo and a ghost takes your place in the overworld. Most people get ghosts but some don’t. But! You can get revived! Which means you get to go back to the overworld but you ghost takes your place in limbo. One more thing I should mention before I get to Ghostbur is everyone’s limbo looks different, because it’s literally their personal hell. I’m sure you see where this is going. :) SO! Ghostbur. Wilbur, the person he’s a ghost of was not a great person before he died. But Ghostbur is nothing but kind, if not a little naïve to everyone and everything. This all leads up Ghostbur getting murdered trying to help his little brother figure, and Wilbur being revived. This means Ghostbur gets trapped alone in limbo. Ghostbur’s story could have left off there but NOOOOOO his creator decided to make it worse. Water burns Ghostbur, so crying is painful. He has memory problems and with nothing to write on he only has the haziest memories of his family left. He’s stuck in limbo for decades before something happens. Meanwhile back in the overworld Wilbur’s been having a pissing contest with his ex and realizes “Huh, a lot of people liked this Ghostbur guy and I know where he ended up. Maybe I should do something nice for him.” And sends Ghostbur’s beloved pet sheep, Friend to hell to be with Ghostbur. The last we ever see of Ghostbur is he, for once in a very long time crying tears of joy as he is reunited with his Friend."

"DSMP gets a bad rep for the guy it’s named for (who I do not support in ANY way whatsoever), but it was made up of 30+ creators, many of which put so very much passion and love into the project. Wilbur Soot was one of them, and Ghostbur was his character after he died.

Ghostbur was sweet, goofy, and terribly tragic. He would go around offering blue dye to his friends, saying “have some blue”, saying it would soak up their sadness. He only remembers happy things from when he was alive. He had a sheep named Friend. He was as lovable as his memory was painful, and an overall very good ghost"

"when he got revived it was to help in a plan to beat up his chosen brother's abuser by breaking INTO jail and having his bro follow him invisible. he's the best musician on the server according to his dad :D. he has a blue sheep named friend on a leash who has infinite cannon lives. he has memory issues and can't remember bad feelings after they happen so people often infantilize him which sucks because he's actually very competent and just wants to help his friends and have a good time. he got sent to limbo sadly and has likely been there for a couple thousand years now. which is incredibly sad. the guy who plays him wrote sad hurt no comfort drabbles about it on reddit."

"just a really sweet guy, currently chilling in the afterlife with his sheep friend while the revived version of himself is working in a gas station in utah"

[mieczyhale]

sorry, babes, but you were ratted out by the fuckin wendy's employee

don't hang around and use their phone if you don't want them telling things to the people who call back. i didn't even ask for details, they just shared, so now i know a couple of things were lies. they're relatively small, in the grand scheme of fucking everything to do with your life and my inescapable place in it, but y'know.. if you lied about those things maybe you lied about the big thing too.

i'm not going to just assume you did, because i believe in innocent until proven guilty - or honest until proven lying, and just because you fucked something up doesn't mean you fucked everything up. maybe the story you told me on the phone DID really happen the way you said it did. it's not out of the realm of possibility. but then.. y'know.. not sure why we didn't hear from you until almost 9 PM.

honestly i'm most irritated that you pulled the "i have no one else to help me" "i'm out of people to call" card repeatedly until i said i'd come get you. and then i get there just to find out hm. someone else also called about you and you already left. that was less than 30 minutes after you hung up. now, did i get there a little later than expected?? yeah. but you know to expect that of me. you know what my ocd is like. you could've waited. but apparently you DID actually have other people that could help you. you dragged my ass out of the house, less than an hour after i got home from work, for nothing. you put me through an unnecessary round of rituals. that is.. the rotten cherry on top.

i hope you're okay, and i hope - for your sake - that you can figure out whatever the fuck is going on (maybe.. idk.. get a hold of your fucking parole officer instead of your manipulative ex and your long suffering sibling in law. just a thought) but bitch i'm at my limit with you. again. this is the.. third time this year we've hit that?? it's a fuckin record.

and you know what?? eventually i'll help you again, and i'll defend you again, and i'll be there for you during the moments you'll later claim nobody was there for you, and you'll apologize and i'll forgive you but not entirely because i don't actually forgive that many people, and you'll be okay until you're not, and every day that you're not is somehow up to me to handle and fix because everyone else passed giving up on you awhile ago, and at some point our mental health got tied together so the worse you're doing the worse i'm doing so i can't actually back out entirely without fucking myself over in a different way from how i get fucked over by being involved-

and honestly i also can't back out because i'm the middle man between you and multiple people - two people always, others when they can't get a hold of you themselves or they won't answer you in return - so y'all and your shit communication would be EXTRA shit if you let me out but, despite my efforts to at least change THAT, none of you actually will let me out and thankfully - THANKFULLY - i at the very least have the power to tell certain people to fuck off, because without that i think i'd lose my goddamn mind even more. because we've been doing this for nearly eleven (11) years and unfortunately - unless you actually get your shit together - i can't see this fucking ending.

because i can't turn off the part of me that loves, and cares, and has an insane defend/protect nature, that wants to do everything i can to help the people i love and that includes you.

all of this fucking bullshit. and it still includes you.

but for the moment i am in the part of the pattern where i am so fucking done. i have this so bad it's good beer and a zebra cake and i'm going to read fic and then sleep and if you fucking call me i'm not going to answer bc i've got nothing to say to you right now.

just... nothing.

if you happen to check your tumblr for once and see this and get pissy?? i don't care. the effect you have on my life is very fucking real and i am allowed to talk about it vaguely. it's too big a part of my life for me not to.

[ni-de-mama]

ace attorney fans on discord, yall are fucking stupid. genuinely this is the stupidest discourse ive seen in my entire fucking life. the owner was removing unsafe people from her server. it's HER fucking server and she has the complete right to. dont dms exist? who the FUCK is policing you here? why do we need to have this fucking war when you could just go to another server with that banned member? fucking hell, have some common sense. the fact that adults are getting so aggressive makes it even worse. the minor here is making stupid decisions and saying stupid things and yall are encouraging her. nobody from the mod team was fucking coddling anyone. they were literally just saying we shouldn't fucking encourage harmful behaviour in their server. literally go encourage it in another server and it won't be any of the mods' business and they won't give a flying fuck. and what's with rejoining after ban with a new account? why the fuck are yall even trying to stay at this point if you hate this server and the mod team then fucking LEAVE. literally what do you want?????????? clearly the mods are being sent into panic attacks because of yall. do yall feel great now??? i was so glad i found a space i could talk in with other aa fans, and now ive lost that thanks to yalls stupid fucking discourse over some idk nearly 30 year old who doesn't know how to communicate properly. and the minor in question? not everything is about you. even i can see that, as a lurker. protecting minors does not mean bending to your every will. fucking hell, this server wasnt made just for you. protecting minors meant protecting all the other minors who felt unsafe, good for you if you didn't! you don't have to be so selfish and want the adult to stay so the other minors can feel unsafe lolllll. why did that mod have to justify them being uncomfortable around that adult? does it not matter that they just did? and now the mods are the ones shutting you down? use your fucking brain please. can't believe i have to lose this place because of this. literally everyone got too comfortable with hurting the mods here. its not even like yall couldve done a better job communicating with the banned member, the mod team clearly did their best to communicate with someone who only knew how to retaliate to their every request. are yall blind? i could see that happen, how come yall couldnt? bc yall are their friends obvious fucking ly. not to mention the banned member started spreading rumours that the owner called them a predator? fucking almost 30yo and youre still spreading rumours? christ on earth lol i saw everything. i saw the video i saw screenshots. that did not happen. is it that hard to look at this situation with less bias towards the ""victim""?? hope yall are happy that yall hurt the other members who love this place, and most of all the mod team who has to deal with yalls bullshittery. fucking wake up and see how stupid yall have been acting. jfc this is disgusting, yall disgust me, in a server for a game abt law yall clearly have not learnt anything. bringing your horrifying reading comprehension from tumblr to discord. sorry, clearly yall did not even fucking read whatever the mods said. yall ask for an explanation, the mods gave you one, you rebut it with a completely irrelevant point and then we go back to square one? not only that but yall kept demanding answers angrily, hostile and aggressive. how many times did the mods say they would be releasing a statement soon? yall asking for answers would give them no time to write it. and they have fucking lives outside of discord, unlike yall who have nothing to do but shout at strangers on the internet because they wont bend to your will in THEIR server. yall make me laugh. grow the fuck up. all of yall need to grow the actual fuck up.

[mcalhenwrites]

It's not that your writing isn't good enough. It's great! I'd buy all of your stories in hardcopy if I could. I think the community for writing especially for independent writers just isn't what it used to be :/ alot of the time nowadays people just read stuff on tumblr and just like it and move on without ever saying anything even in the comments. Rebloging is a big thing and works barely get that. And then on ao3 it's such a vast site and an archive for it's namesake that it can be really hard to find new works unless you're specifically looking for them. Alot of great authors get overlooked because of the way these sites are :c

I really appreciate you taking the time to say all this, thank you. I know it's hard in general for all creators - the internet has changed to be about fast consumption, then we had N/F/Ts, now we have AI... and yeah, being an original creator is tougher than fandom, bc you have to sell a new thing rather than offer potential of characters/ships/worlds people already love. ^^ That said, I'm not even getting the likes on my work most of the time. I get 0-3 average, but most of those notes on my work are my own (mostly) useless reblogs. ;A; It's discouraging every day, and I don't have enough "ups" to justify that I keep trying to swim while the rapids are pulling me toward total obscurity. I love writing, I love creating, but... it's tough to keep going some days, and other days the love for it makes me just go, "Well, I want to share this, I'm proud of this!" Only I feel so much shame when I'm proud of something and no one or only a couple of people even want to interact with it. Even finishing Seasons, the most popular thing I've ever written... I'm pretty sure most people dropped it. That said, most things do well enough on AO3 for me, though I feel like maybe a lot of people who were reading Seasons got disappointed before or because of the end, and they won't want to check out any of my other stories. Lots of anxieties about that. I don't know where I'll stand, but after 14 years of trying to get my work seen and being worse off now on socmed than ever before, and writing for over 30 years... y'know. It's. It's disheartening. I want to do it. I'm glad people like it. I'm kind of surprised that people do, when they do, because so many people were so happy to tell me what I was doing wrong for so long, and my writing has been the center of jokes more often than the center of excitement. ^^; (And there's probably both love and hate for it behind my back alike, but... honestly, I really wish people understood that you gotta express love to writers. Then I fear people will think I'm a hypocrite, but... *stares at my AO3 comments on fics I like* I don't think that's an issue. xD) Also, I'm sorry I am such a mess to the people who do like my work. It's just feeling unfeasible to keep sharing sometimes, if that makes sense. (Unfeasible to keep writing as much as I do, there surely has to be a way to use this time that actually makes money so I can afford to live lmao)

[halflifedecay]

Depressive rant about game art jobs then divulging into health anxiety. more under the cut. feel free to disregard

Depressive and negative thought: sometimes I don't think I'm cut out for professional game art.. most concept art job apps almost always say "lead" or "senior". If they don't, they require 5 or more years of experience with a shipped game under your belt. They expect you to be a wizard of 2D and 3D tools. There is just so much to learn to be an employable concept artist these days with so little time left over after working to simply give myself a few dollars. It feels almost unattainable unless I get incredibly lucky and land a gig. i just wanna draw and more importantly, learn and grow.

I have to preface that i am incredibly fortunate to live with my partner who does support my career as well as financially. I do realize i have the luxury to focus on my work even if it means it does make me much, so long as i continue to work on it. but even with luxury of time, it still a struggle to make quality portfolio work while juggling a million otherprojects and personal things.

My parents still call me on the phone asking if I've been looking for jobs, I do but these job apps are dreadful as I've mentioned. I think why bother when I don't qualify based on these requirements.

Sometimes I wish I can just do my silly little drawings for myself, and do part time jobs, but I learned the hard way, that life is not for me. I did it and I was miserable, i worked 30 hrs a week and i barely had the time or energy to give to art. i feel behind enough as it is being 27 with no job prospects I don't really possess any other discernible skills to apply to a different job. I've made and accepted the choice of making art my job, and that means i may not want to do art all the time bc i am not 100% confident in my skills all the time. im working on being more confident so i can hit the ground running on what i need to do. I can't give up, I love art and I've put so much time, passion and thought into my craft.

Aside from getting a job that allows me to do something I love, I get a salary with, hopefully, good health insurance. I don't know if this is the state of US healthcare now, but in my area, its hard to find a PCP who isn't booked into the next year, and then the first one you get an appt for, cancels on you literally 10 mintes before the scheduled time. and so ive had to wait a couple extra weeks. My health anxiety lightening up leans on doctors to tell me i am infact, not dying, and no, i dont have a tumor bc my lungs and muscles feel funny sometimes. I catatophise about my health so much, im in this vicious cycle of random symptom occuring > becoming anxious > new symptom occurs or becomes worse bc of anxiety > sometimes these symptoms go away on their own > they dont > anxiety ensues. so these past few weeks, i occassionally get this voice that tells me im gonna die bc i am not 100% okay, just waiting for the day i can see my PCP and be told whats up. this isnt the first time this has happened, and when i do get checked out, it is something pretty normal and managable. i really want to see this PCP next week, have it be not much of anything, laugh it off, and just go back to drawing in peace and heal.

but for now i have to sit with that anxiety, and think, why do i feel this way. for starters, i started with my mother being anti-vax, im not going to even get into that now, then covid; fear that i got it at some point and i didn't know it (i never had loss of taste and smell, but did get sick a few times, and my rapid and pcr tests were negative). what if i did get covid and i am experiencing long covid? hence why i have random symptoms all the time? that amougst getting older and generally being pretty uneducated about what happens to your body after 25! i eat well, i stretch, i go outside and walk, yea i could absolutely exercise more, my mental is pretty good, i have a loving and supporting partner and family, i make art for a living, im still young, breathing and still making shit, why can't i get rid of this anxiety that im in terrible health.

that is all, any more and then i start worrying about it not being rambly, fixing errors, not the point here, just want to vent.

thanks for reading.

[justoutsideofdoncaster]

20:06 13/01/25

Blog #15

Long time no see !! I'm back at uni now. Haven't written bcs everything's felt like a lot. Not bad, just a lot.

(Tracy Emin)

I went out the night I got back (Friday), with some of the hockey boys, all my faves! I brought glitter tattoos to pres which was fun and they were all good sports and had there's done. Obviously he was there, he was the one who invited me actually. He's always so shy when he's sober. Irritatingly so, like he can't even look at me. We were playing a drinking game (basically truth or shot) and he got asked which girl on the team he most wants to... you know. And he didn't answer even though he can't do shots because he's so effing stupidly shy and embarrassed even though everyone knows. And I got asked a similar question, which of the boys do I like the most, and I said him. Because fuck being embarrassed? Everyone already knows about us. We know about each other, like be serious. So he comes back to mine and in the morning he remembers that I said that and like a fucking idiot he punches the air and he says he wanted to say me and I call him an idiot again. Because I don't want him to be so shy. I want him to talk to me at training in front of his 'boys'. Anyway, we both slowly sober up and the most horrific hangover hits us and he goes home, although I wish we could've stayed in bed all day. And ever since then my crush has got ten times worse. Is it supposed to feel so heavy in your chest? Why am I so anxious. All my daydreams are about him. They're sickeningly sweet and they make me so scared. I need to get a grip, swallow it down, but I've never been so severely into someone before. Like,,, I have no idea why he likes me, and a lot of the time I think he doesn't. I think I'm delusional and he would never want to date me, and then he gets drunk and he's sweet and it sends me reeling again. I feel so exposed!!! So everytime I catch myself head over heels I remind myself that he's just a boy. I'll be ok without him. That I'm cool and ok on my own, like I've always been, and that if it ends bad I have to keep going. Please don't put your life in the hands of a rock and roll band (and by rock and roll band, I mean cute boy on my ice hockey team)!!! So yeah. My heart hurts just writing about this. I am so terrified and so down bad and it's so embarrassing but I have to act cool about it.

(pinterest)

Anyway... more stuff, not to make food and boys my whole personality like an insecure 15 year old, but I've eaten a lot less since I've been back. Today I had apple + scrambled egg for breakfast bcs I was up early for a lecture, and then for tea I had a salad, but the leaves grossed me the fuck out. I need to ask my sister what salad mix she bought. This one has rocket in it and fcking hell it made me want to throw it up. Or maybe I feel sick because I've not eaten that much! I weigh 60kg right now according to my scale, so I somehow didn't gain weight over christmas. I never gain weight, which scares me that I'm gonna hit 30 and suddenly be obese... stupid i know !!!

pinterest

Writing these entries makes me realise how silly and negative my train of thought can be lol. Anyway again,,, went to uni today, first day back ! Had to come home for a nap (4 hours lol, i need monsters!!) but managed to successfully drag myself back out of bed to go do some painting in the studio and ship a parcel while I was out. Good day! Hockey later, I think that's where the anxiety is coming from. I'm so so shit (again, more negativity, he insists I'm good because he's a sweetheart but I know I'm shit, embarrassingly so) . So I'm anxious, because I know he's going to ignore me, and I feel like everyone on the team thinks he's too good for me and it freaks me out. God, that's it isn't it? Writing that has made me want to cry. This is all so new and scary and my stupid brain loves telling me the worst things and I wish I could live in stupid ignorance or I wish I was hotter or better at hockey or anything. Fcking hell. I'm my own worst enemy.

(pinterest)

Ok, that's that. I usually try leave it on a positive note, so erm... I guess... yeah ok. I'm happy he likes me. I'm happy I get a chance. I'm terrified, but it might be amazing? What if it's amazing?

Bye...

[lostinatrainofthoughts]

Girlies im here to update on my tinder adventures. i had my 2nd call with another tinder dude. It lasted two hours 😃

Hes okay! But maybe i am picky dear Allah please so help me but theres just something about him that gives me the ick. Well not ick but like eh... he might not be the one.

heavy smoker: wont smoke in front of me out of courtesy but doesnt believe the science that inhaling toxin can legit kill you all bcause his grandma whos also a heavy smoker died of something else and not cancer. Like he doesnt care about the consequences at all.

2. privileged af and so ignorant about it: hes travelled once for a month last dec and will be traveling again THRICE this yr and he thinks that going for umrah is not a vacation/“travelling” bc its a spiritual journey like do you hear yourself and how in your bubble you are. Anything thats going out of the country for something thats not work AND going for a peace of mind is VACATION. his mom shops for branded stuff and he gets bored waiting around and sitting inside the store. Like some of us wouldnt even dream of stepping in. and i told him honestly, do you know how privileged you sound (entitled actually) and he said what do you mean?? and I'm like most people don't get to experience going out like that. and he was like yeah I'm thankful, grateful. mmm......

3. mansplainer (biggest ICK): he said hed bring me outdoors and i told him i cant and i dont like it and he said that he will force me but will bring an umbrella. Then i told him i have eczema and he gaslit me saying IT CANT BE THAT BAD. HIS EX HAD IT WORSE IT WAS SEVERE And i was so pissed. And so i said. Well. I had been admitted three fucking times for it and was on 4 different medications for it and going to biweekly appointments and blood tests and so i said im SURE. CERTAIN that i have it MUCH WORSE than your ex. he did not spare me a breath and came up with his own conclusion. also he says that eczema HAS A CURE. HES CERTAIN OF IT. bc he's saw it in his ex. and I'm like ............................ i had it since i was a baby. the fuck you mean there's a cure. there are treatments for it okay but not cure. i hate when people who don't have eczema say nonsense like that.

Which brings me to point no. 3: religious. Nothing nothing NOTHING wrong with someone who’s religious, i am a practicing muslim. I pray 5 times a day and i value my relationship with god too. But what i dont like is how he pushes his personal religious values or agenda onto me like i dont know shit. Your relationship with god, and my relationship with god is no ones business, its your own so dont try to police how i do it with god. Like i told him i “had” to quickly pray before calling him. And he stopped me saying i shouldnt say “had to” bc that would mean being forced/its an obligation so i have to change that bc “context is everything”. Like its something to fix. i really HAD to make it quick or else i wouldnt know what time i'd be praying.

4. With that being said, he is also homo/phobic..................... well yes and no? i don't know. he said he doesn't want to talk about it bc its controversial and he is against t/rans ppl and its changing the essence of what god has created for you. i just don't like that argument because . if there's one thing you cant change about me, it's my morals.

5. hes so into himself that he was basically pitching himself like a project. but ok, its my fault, i asked. but was there any reciprocation? did he ask me back about me? not really. i found myself having to jump in and add in what i had to say. he would say things like, I've been through a lot, you have no idea. and I'm like don't we all??? you arent the only one whos experienced the lows of life. you arent the only one who had a hard time.

6. his approaching his 30s and he treats me like I'm a kid bc I'm 26? "oh huwaina you still so young. when the pandemic hit, it was like 3 fucking years of my youth taken away from me now I'm almost 30" and i jumped in and said like "yeah me too" and he was like "no, I've already reached 30, there's no more 20s for me but you do. you still have time to experience things and enjoy life. i was 21, 22, 23 when covid happened i felt like i didn't experience the life i was supposed to at my early 20s. also does life end at 30 ladies and gents? he keeps telling me how gen z i am, and I'm like okay????????????

7. HES NOT GOOD LOOKING IM SORRY I SWIPED BC HE SEEMED LIKE HE HAD PERSONALITY 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️

[ratgingi]

ALL THE JACK DLC DATEABLES HAVE REFS NOW ..... plus juniper bc shes the major nondateable frm margos route :-]

margo libra | she/her + bisexual, will date you regardless of head choice

margo is someone you can approach and talk to in uptown. when asking if you can talk to her she will say you have 30 seconds to talk before she walks away (which in game play would translate to being able to chose between 5 question options, and after 3 have been picked she will end the interaction and cannot be approached again). when asking her to take you to the funfair and explaining your reasoning behind why, she becomes amused and agrees to pay you in.

she is intentionally emotionally distant to pretty much everyone, as she struggles with a sort of inescapable boredom. she cannot keep herself interested in hobbies, jobs, people, etc, and as such often opts out of growing close to people in an effort to not go through the emotional damage that growing bored of a person brings for both parties involved. its a little hard to explain as she does hold affection for people she knows and distancing herself is a painful thing but she feels its whats best for both her and the other person

shes pretty well liked by those who know her, as shes a very level headed and reliable person, and gets along well with a lot of different kinds of people if/when she needs to.

she moved to dialtown with her mother, adelaide, when she was in her late teens (shes mid 20s during the events of the game). this was because when she came out as a trans woman to her father he threatened to kick her out and instead addy kinda just went alright. and grabbed her daughter and dipped

she has a habit of bouncing around between jobs, and during the in-game events she works as a tattoo artist

the compass she wears was a gift from her late grandfather on her dads side who she was very close to, on the back it has the words "may you always find your way" etched into it

her route is about helping her figure out ways to fall in love with the mundane. helping her sort of relearn how to see the world as a place full of wonders even if some of them are small or seem overall insignificant.

juniper evans | she/her, nondateable

juniper is an 18 year old who ran away from a neglectful home at the age of 16 with nothing but her bag, her skateboard, and an electric guitar, eventually winding up in dialtown. currently she lives in the apartments and works at a nearby fast food place

she self describes as a brat, and is known for being very aggressive and stand-offish. she gets a bit softer once she properly warms up to a person but its kind of a matter of tolerating her until that point which is rather difficult for most

shes very attached to margo and thinks of her as the 'coolest person in dialtown', often going out of her way to try and impress her but usually just getting one of both of them into trouble.

when the player shows up and margo takes an immediate liking to them, she feels she's being pushed aside. this results in her approaching the player and offering 'advice', saying shes known margo longer and would know what she likes, her actual intentions being to make you insufferable for margo. you can choose to follow her advice and doing so will shift the routes focus away from margo and toward her as she is now 'coaching' the player. the advice gets increasingly worse and ultimately ends with margo becoming fed up with the both of you causing problems and cutting both of you off

if you choose to decline her offer the route remains focused on margo and helping her through her issues, with juniper occasionally popping up and trying to sabotage the relationship in different ways by making you embarrass yourself in front of margo (which fails every time as said woman just finds you being cringe fail endearing). this line of the route ends with a final confrontation between the player and juniper, where you step out of a date with margo for a moment to confront the dejected girl and ask her what her deal is. she explains herself and does end up apologizing, and the final bit of dialogue exchange includes margo stepping in and letting the both of you know shed been listening, and agreeing to talk over things with juniper in private later and assures her she isnt mad

juniper is technically the cause of Two bad ends, as she causes the one mentioned above and also is what causes jacksons shit yourself and die end

ok congrats for reading all of that. have a bonus doodle of juniper with her other friend ashton