#for example if you told me someone doesnt feel emotion id assume thats what you meant and wouldnt associate that with autism at all

[caffeinatedopossum]

I'm watching mob pyscho 100 and it actually makes sense now. I tried to watch it once when I was younger and couldn't understand anything that was going on but now I'm like "oooh we're autistic" lmao. So THAT'S why I didn't know what was going on

[thefeckisthis]

hello darkness my old friend.

well im not quite sure why this title nor what exactly am i going to write about, i just had the need to write. ever had that feeling? no? oh. ok.

its been a while since last post, many things had happened, fun, annoying,stressful, interesting and so on and some may expect sassy posts like first two and thats not going to happen with in this one, sorry not sorry.  ive been feeling the need to write about anxiety, not entirely sure why, just a feeling in me telling me to do so so lets see where it goes.

apologies for spelling mistakes because in these  last couple of sentences ive had so many red lines that makes me think can i even spell -_- (hello brain, you there?)  confidence is a tricky things. you are not born with it, you have to build it up. god knows i had no confidence before and i still struggle with it sometimes, especially with my anxiety - sometimes it can affect it really bad. when anxiety, i want to talk about because i think these kind of things should be talked about.

my anxiety levels are still not alarming but they are at that level when it can definitely affect my daily life, especially on bad days. ive definitely learned how to cope with it, sometimes it cant be helped. i definitely suffer from GAD (general anxiety disorder https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad) with medium to high social anxiety - https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder (which many people don’t believe heh) and ive discovered some unusual phobias that I have also count as anxiety issues (trypophobia,  Emetophobia, fear of knives are some of mine examples) so it can  vary from person to person.

(imagine having all those on almost daily basis, yaaay)

i know, lots of people will say ah everyone is tense and stressed, we all must have anxiety. no, just dont. its not the same. occasional stress is normal, anxiety is completely different. its not easy to be in constant worry phase, being triggered by small things (coffee can easily trigger mini panic attacks, been there done that), small inconveniences, theres so much to it.

another awful part of it is overthinking. that is what used to kill me and mess up relationships i had with people. one small  thing can set you back so much. as ive mentioned, some people learn how to deal with it and some people seek for help, and both of those things are amazing. letting it affect you is not amazing.

talk to someone, youre not alone.

i always tell people to not be afraid to talk to me about their problems, because i do know how it is, i do understand. i had some people who dont understand as much as they think they do and when id open up to them they would say just stop worrying, its ok.

uuuhm like no. thats the whole point. my brain cant stop worrying. thanks for letting me on deepest secrets of the world, appreciated. high chances are that we do actually know that but its sometimes impossible to stop worrying. if i could do that so easily i wouldnt be suffering from anxiety, right? 

do i have panic attack? yes i do. had more before, now it got down to 2-3 in 6 months, so thats around 6 a year. last year i had full blown panic attack, worst that i ever had, my whole body just shut down and i was crying for full on 45mins, not being able to breathe, talk or move. sounds fun, eh?  and lets go back to social anxiety, as ive said people say that i dont seem like an introvert or that i have any struggles with that.

i do tho. i just dont let it be stronger than me. my head and my body in social situations can be in full panic mode but ill be there sitting with smile on my face. there were social gatherings or parties where i would end up sitting on my own, trying to fight tears and the emotions in me would be bubbling and getting worse and my common sense would be trying to fight them, thats why i end up sitting in corner like a weirdo. meting new people? socializing? that doesnt sound fun for me at all, i usually just avoid situations like that. i will talk most of the time and joke and its just because my common sense is trying to fight anxiety while at the same time my anxiety is trying to take over.  i wish i can explain what is going on in my head. 

if you invite me to go somewhere with you, dont leave me. please. thank you.

it has also affected my job, if i get a task im not sure what to do, or im told to just amend something, i just wish to get up and leave until my head gets clear. ive noticed small things i tend to do when i feel that anxiety is getting higher than i want it to be, eg ill start picking at my nails, ill bite my lip till it hurts, just shut down and stare blankly, taking deep breaths, shaking my hands to stop them from shaking (weirdly i think itll shake off my stress), do weird stuff with my hands, or all combined. rare people noticed all the things and actually knew when i was starting to get my anxiety attacks and they were really helpful.

how to help someone if you see them starting to have anxiety attack?

people deal with anxiety different ways, dont just assume one thing will help everyone. - for example hug wont make me calm, im not a fan of human touch in general and hugging me when im having an attack will only make me more stressed and more triggered and itll make everything worse. - dont force the person to talk about it, rather just ask them if they want to talk about it, if they dont, please dont leave them, just sit there in silence that means a world. -if they do want to talk about it, never, and i repeat never say dont worry its nothing or just stop worrying and think happy thoughts. 

- talk with them about it, or let them talk. ask what is the issue, why does it make them feel that way, just try to find solution slowly. - if a person starts crying, let them cry. crying is amazing way to release the tension and it will help the person to feel more at ease - if you do notice early signs of anxiety attack, change the environment, divert the person, make them think of something different

- dont make the person walk or do something they dont want to, it will cause things to go worse, personally ill probably just sit and curl up and cry my eyes out but for the love of god dont touch me or make me walk, my body is just not able and its causing more stress

- after the attack calms down, let person go on with their life, dont talk about it straight after. let them fully calm down. some people (most cases me) will be ‘normal’ after the episode (after my big one i straight away started joking how disgustingly runny my nose was from crying)  and some people will take a bit longer

We are all different in handling the situations. Anxiety like every other disorder is not easy and it has to be taken seriously. If you have it, if you know someone who has it, please talk to those people. Be supportive. Dont make them feel like there is something wrong with them. Small conversation and an ear to listen can go a long way.

be a friend and be a human.

[princeyangg-blog]

18/08/17

i wake up a little late. i check tumblr but vin hasnt been online in the last hour- he must still be asleep! i miss him so much, i love you need to get some breakfast

started reading my book. aim to do ~50 pages today grumpy hhhh i want my bf so Badly im so fucking grumpy im feeling a lot better!! mannn i love my bf im glad this book is nearly over. im developing a paranoia that my bf doesnt want me based on this books narrators thoughts vin has an (assumed) short struggle with deciding whether not to go to a party or not. this struck me out of the blue. hes ‘clingy’? (to nathan). i always thought that was associated with your partner, not friends. even urban dictionary agrees then again, who am i to judge for his vocabulary? or even their friendship. ive entered vincents life for a total of one year so far- and i cannot hope to be more significant than someone who has been best friends for well over 4, maybe even 5 years. the fact that vin has changed his last name to nathans is sure proof of that. in many ways, i am sure nathan has made a fantastic friend. but 'clingy’? how many times we have told each other we were clingy? no one else had told me that. it really did something special to me, and i have always treasured myself as a token of clinginess. obviously, and much rather rudely, i had assumed that he was clingy Only to Me. that i was his Only One. its nothing much. i am sure it was more of a gesture of honesty and admittance of helplessness. i am sure if i was in the same position, id do the same. i never suffered depression and anxiety like vin did, could i blame him? but its all kind of built up. the little nuisances. i havent been too happy with the long pauses between texts. i have no idea whats going on!! i do try and let vincent know what i am doing but it seems examples dont lead. i would have appreciated if at least i was told that there would be slow replies, or no replies.. approaching the end of the week, i realise its kind of been a revelation of many things. first, my overwhelming jealousy. yeah.. i need to get that fixed. shaking hands rn. honestly im such a bitcher about things but this is my diary, right? secondly, my results!!! ❤️ lastly, im in a good position to steam ahead with my preparation for the school term. when i finish this book, ill be in good shape to start revising my english and economics. im an old hypocrite myself, and i am sure that i have done many of the things ive said above. as much as i perhaps like to think- i am not the perfect person that vin sees of me, but incredibly flawed. the thing i hate about myself most is my jealousy. it doesnt seem possible for me to stop being jealous at every single encounter that vin meets without me being there. its honestly pretty horrible to be so jealous the only cure i see is to just Endure it. of course im really sad and wish vin was with me right now :^( i miss him so much.. but it IS a good chance to test myself. a full week!! what a trial. my emotions have been all over the place- a shamble, to say the least. if i could grade myself, id have definitely failed LMAO i am clingy to my bf, and some might say thats really unhealthy!! of course, now i see. definitely over estimated jealousy~ on the other hand, i am glad to be clingy. what a wonderful feeling, to love your partner with every second.. its a reminder of how blessed i am to have such a wonderful boyfriend. if ur reading this vin, i just wanna let you know how proud i am to have you. ur the most selfless person i know and you mean so much to me!! that includes the whole world :/// you are always there as my beacon of light. i should aspire to be like you and keep going, even if I am extremely tired. I realise this now, but ultimately, you have the greatest passion to do things for the people you love. that includes me and nathan. you are willing to walk to my house, you are willing to do Anything just to see me. i had never seen the enormity of that until now. despite being miserably tired, you still went to todays party because you loved nathan! that is an incredibly faithful gesture i have learned from you to never keep my head down. keep at it!!! its half an hour before midnight. feelin grumpy again. why does everything end in stripping and my bf is paranoid ill leave him? grrr id never do that :^( i love him so much i cant Leave him.. id never strip in front of other people except my bf either? that kind of stuff is just... i wouldnt ask someones gf to strip, even if it was in a game. then again i AM pretty childish. maybe this is some kind of grown up shit? no strings attached? mums gone and annoyed me again. im D O N E what a rollercoaster of emotions. i love my bf hes made me so happy aww im Smiling right now please just take me away from home shdkdjskdfn i love you goodnight zzzZZZzz im gonna go fuck myself up and die

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

the “perfect girl”

we met at a club.

i had about 8 shots that night. i wasnt drunk, and i didnt feel like i was doing stupid things or anything like that. but with that about of alcohol you couldnt have called me sober.

you danced pretty well. and with the amount of alcohol i had i blurted out “how do you move like that?!” maybe that surprised you, maybe that intrigued you either way we started dancing. at one point you started making out with me. at first it was fine. it was a night out and i was having fun at a club.

but then it got too aggressive, it happened to much and you came on too strong. but i never told you to stop. because im awkward. and i dont have much experience. and i just dont know how to say no once somethings already started. we were dancing for far too long too. my legs were killing me. and although it was fun at first, it got too long and i didnt feel like i was having fun anymore. and again, you were aggressive. eventually my legs couldnt take anymore and i needed to sit down I thought that that was a subtle hint that i was done. you came with me tho. I was sitting with my legs together  but you swung them apart, came really close and started stroking my crotch. id be lying if i told u i didnt feel uncomfortable. it was hot, i was tired, and i was sitting with my legs together for a reason. still i didnt know how to tell you no. and no, im not blaming you.  you didnt know, i shouldve said something. but i just didnt know how to tell you to stop. maybe you thought i was into it i dunno. i assumed what happens at the club stays at the club, so more or less i was fine. 2am rolled around. the club was closing. you asked if i wanted to go back to your place. I said i didnt think that was a good idea. you backed off. you asked for my facebook ohkay cool - why not? (looking back tho, i regret saying no not that you were a bad guy or anything, but i feel like i unintentionally led you on). and that was that. except it wasnt. you messaged a lot. and in those messages it actually seemed like you wanted to get to know me. that was - unexpected. you told me i was cute and pretty and that you couldnt get me outta your head. and i felt like you were into me. but again, im super inexperienced and i dont like to assume things. you were with me for less than an hour and i wasnt sober. and now i get this vibe that youre into me? very into me. there were times you asked to hang out  and trust me i thought about it. you seem like a fine person. but our schedules never really worked out. plus i felt like you were into me and didnt wanna lead you on. then came kosmic. you messaged me asking if i wanted to get a drink. i said sure. i was expecting to pay my own. but you did before i could get the money out. i didnt want you paying because  1. no ones ever done that unless they were a friend. 2. i didnt wanna feel obligated to stay with you because you did. we talked and chatted and u asked me why i never met up with you. if i just broke up with a boyfriend or had another boy or if u werent my type. “ahh” i thought “he is into me” i told you the truth - ive had two boyfriends ive know each of them at least 18 months before starting. truthfully even now i still dont really know what it was you wanted from me. was it a relationship? was it a fling? if you say youre “into me” i kinda get that i peaked your curiosity enough that you wanna know more about me. if you say you “liked” me, that’s where i have a problem. you know nothing about me. that girl you thought i am is not me. you hung out with me while i wasnt even sober for not even an hour. how can you tell me you like me. you say you can be yourself around me. that its so natural to just be you when your around me. i feel awkward right now i feel awkward anytime a guy ive just met is msging me a lot and chasing after me. thats the real me too. the me who goes crazy with her friends is the real me as well. the me who tries to keep it professional at work is me. and the me who cries herself to sleep is me too. im not trying to pretend to be someone im not around you. so yes i feel natural too  but my natural around you is not a comfortable natural. its awkward natural.

but you dont know that, you dont even know i feel awkward right now. you know nothing about me. you say that it doesnt matter? ohkay maybe for you it doesnt, but for me it does. we talk for a while. well kinda - its loud and to be honest i cant hear most of whats being said. not exactly the best place to have a conversation. you tell me i dont seem awkward like i said. if only you knew how awkward i felt.  this dream girl you have conjured up in your head. the one who you cant get out of your mind. Is. Not. Me. you’ve idealized me into your perfect girl. when the truth is you know NOTHING about me. want an example? you told me that when you go clubbing u usually dunt dance with girls. but you did with me because it felt so natural. i tell you that i dance with anyone i can - thats not to say a lot, thats just to say i dont mind dancing with strangers if its for a night of whole hearted fun. you tell me you didnt know that ....exactly my point. you say we could still have fun tonight. and you start making out with me, so aggressively that I feel like a doll. again, i dunt know how to tell you to stop. you stop for a while give me this shrug like youre done and go in again - and again - and again. “the way you kiss too!” you say. “youre always smiling so i dont wanna stop” I think to myself, im smiling?? riiight i smile when i feel awkward and dunno what to do. omg my personality itself is making him misunderstand.

because at that moment i felt so fucking uncomfortable. i felt like a doll, an object - and yet i still couldnt tell you to stop. im not blaming you, i should have told you, and i really need to learn how to say stop. but if you thought for one second i was enjoying it that just proves how much you dunt know me. it was fine at first, but after it wasnt. and the dancing that night? with you it was never fun. the alcohol in my stomach and the fact ur so aggressive. holding on to me so tight that i felt the need to throw up. and spinning me around so hard you spun me to the ground. yes i had alcohol and i wasnt exactly sober but i danced with others that night but i didnt exactly fall on my butt with them. see when i said i wanted to dance, i wanted to dance with my friends. how do i tell you that this was fun, but i wanna have fun with other people now. i didnt know how. anyways stomach was queezy u were holding onto me too tight. i needed to throw up. so i went to the washroom  it wasnt a lot - out and done with in 5 seconds. i came back out - you were there. i get some water, sit for a while and tell you that im heading back down to the dance floor. you lose me in the crowd. i get a message telling me that youre at the bar on the second floor. should i ever wanna come and “hang”.

ive been “hanging” with you for the last 90 mins.  i actually felt that was 70 mins too much. i ignore the msg. i have fun dancing with my friends. I regret not leaving after the first 20 mins because i felt like the night would have been so much more fun. youve met me twice in person both times i had a number of shots in my system you see how ridiculous you telling me you like me sounds to me?

you say you dont need to know me, im sorry, i gotta call bullshit on that.

how did you feel when you found out that i could dance with anyone? did u still feel like i was the one sent from heaven?

how was it when you started to realize i was right? that the person you like is not the girl sitting in front of you, but in fact does not exist?

ive said this before and ill say this again, even now, i have no idea what you wanted. was it a relationship? was it a fling? i dont know. but telling me you like me without knowing me and trying to get to know me more as a person is not that convincing after you asked me to go back to your place after that first night at the club. it wasnt the fact that i broke up with someone or that there was someone else it was the fact that i didnt know you and didnt know what youre intentions were. i dont mind flirting at a club  and having some dirty fun. as long as it stays there.

and thats what i was doing. i thought thats what you were doing too.

if youre trying to convince me otherwise maybe you shouldnt have made out with me maybe you shouldnt have played with my crotch maybe you shouldnt have asked me to go back to your place. even making out i get, touching my crotch is a step too far, and asking me to go back with you, just feels like youre looking for a one night stand. telling me im the girl you cant get out of your head, who you want to get to know on a more emotional level, is not convincing when you stroke my crotch and ask me to go back to your place an hour within meeting eachother without ever asking anything other than my name and my major. that “perfect girl” only exists in your mind. today you message me saying that you were thinking about what i said. why you found me attractive, because you didnt know me i danced with you for so long and that you love dancing. was there something more you were going to say? it seems like a half finished thought, and honestly im kinda curious. but its been a few hours and even though youre online, you havent replied. maybe if you do - ill be completely honest with you and tell you everything i talked about here (in summary of course) but you probably wont.