#for everyone who's just along for the ride ignore this and have fun you funky lil dudes

[ceaseless-watchers-special-girl]

wait why are we so excited about the tape recorders what do we think it means

don't get me wrong i was just as excited as the rest of you i was acting like "tape recorder" was some kind of code item

it's not though. it's just another way for us to listen in on what the gays are doing. the reason we were using computers and electronic devices before was because the fears (or this universe's equivalent of them) have evolved to use something that is more readily available, which makes sense.

in the absence of any other electronic devices, such as in the burnt remains of the magnus institute, manchester, they went for any readily available device, the closest of which was probably a tape recorder. we know that there were tape recorders in the institute long before jon started using them for statements, perhaps even before the web started to use them (i'm kind of shaky on the lore, apologies) so as far as i can tell there's no obvious connection to be made here???

we're all well within our rights to go batshit about it, of course. but i'm not sure what it means, if anything at all. it seems like the perfect way for jonny and alex to get us excited and then go "ha! made you look!"

i have no doubt now that they are going to include some of tma into tmagp — they've included way too many references to write them all off as red herrings. but i'm not sure the tape recorder is as big a deal as we all think it is

[innittowinit]

Abandoned amusement parks are the best place for young children (chapter 7)

AO3 

Fic summary:

Techno, Tommy, Wilbur and Phil have been hanging out at the abandoned amusement park in the woods since they moved in. Techno likes knowing he's definitely alone with his brothers Tommy likes climbing on the old rides Wilbur likes having a place to play his music Phil likes spending time with his younger brothers

That is, until a group of brothers calling themselves the 'dream team' move in down the road. Will the sleepy boys give in and share the park or will they succeed in scaring the new kids off?

Chapter summary

Dream recounts what happened today to Bad and their mom Wilbur comforts Techno

chapter word count: 1704 (sorry its another inbetween chapter) 

Dream snickered as he leaned back in his chair, a half eaten ham and cheese sandwich sitting idly on his plate. He had his mask lifted up so it sat atop his head, showing his freckled cheeks and and reddish cheeks. 

“That was a fun game, they were playing along this time”

He reached for a packet crisps, only to drop his hand and pick the sandwich back up when Bad gave him a disapproving look; they all wanted to make Bad proud, he wasn’t around often anymore but when he was here it was great. 

It didn’t really feel like home when he was off at school. 

Playing with the sleepy boys had been fun though, he mulled over the events of the day as he chewed on the childish meal, the sun was still high in the sky and he doubted it was past 2pm at all. 

Phil didn’t seem like he wanted to play, for a moment Dream wondered if Phil just didn’t like playing anymore, he was the oldest afterall, but he quickly shook the thought from his mind. Why else would he still turn up to L’manburg with his brothers? 

No, Phil definitely enjoyed it, he was probably just tired today, sometimes even his own brothers didn’t like playing Manhunt if they had had a long day. 

He remembered buying the fun snaps, it had been a little nerve wracking but he needed them for the plan to work! He had had to lie about how old he was for the shopkeeper to give them to him, he didn’t ask for ID though so he guessed the old man running the place also didn’t see the point in having an age limit to buy a toy. While they were going through their plan first, Sapnap had said he wanted to blow it up.

Obviously they couldn't do that. 

And so they decided on fun snaps and their ‘weapons’. At least this way they’d still get shocked by the noise of the snaps going off anyway, it wasn’t like they wanted to cause any real harm, he didn’t want to lose any more potential friends because of the ways he had fun. 

“We actually got into L’manburg today” Sap laughed, hair dusted with sandy dirt from when he had been pushed to the floor. 

His sandwich had been toasted to make the cheese melty and he was dipping it in a Tomato cup-a-soup. As far as Dream was concerned, that was single handedly the worst food combination ever made and he deserved to be pushed over for eating like that. 

“I hope you guys aren’t playing too rough out there, those Reid kids have a littl’un right?” 

Nodding, Dream shoved the rest of his lunch into his mouth, chewing it as much as he could before giving up and just speaking with his mouth full anyways. 

“Yeah Tommys like really small, we aren’t playing too rough though Ma, they’re cool with it, I promise! Even Sap and George like them”

Once she had finished preparing her own lunch, she sat with her kids; they were so rowdy, it would be a straight lie if she said she didn’t worry about their safety sometimes but she supposed boys would just be boys, no amount of sports clubs or extracurricular activities had ever quenched their need to run about and hit each other with sticks.

What was fun about hitting each other, she had no idea, but hopefully they’d grow out of it before they seriously hurt themselves or someone else 

“That’s nice to hear then, I’m glad you boys are making new friends, I know it can be difficult adapting to new places-” 

“Nah mum it’s easy!” Sapnap had cut her off, hand in a bag of crisps since he had finished his meal, despite how much Bad tried to influence healthy eating decisions.  

“That’s nice sweetheart, some people find it hard though! Hey! You know what could be cute? If you take Bad down to meet your buddies, you said they had an older brother around his age too right?” 

Dream groaned, feigning annoyance as he glanced over to his brother, while like Phil, Bad still cared about them a whole lot, they didn’t really have the almost-replacement-parent kind of dynamic that the sleepy bois had with their older sibling. He didn’t really understand that, Bad was two years older than him and the way they thought and rationalised things was about the same level, so why did his new friends seem to treat their older brother like a grown up? 

Even though they were a bit weird, they were nice and they were fun to play with, so eventually he nodded, it would be so much fun having Bad there to fight with them. It felt like it had been ages since they all played together. 

“I think they’re playing something else now, we can all go tomorrow after school if you want” 

With a shrug and a flippant smile, Bad had at last agreed to go meet his mischievous brother’s new friends. If the scar on George’s cheek was anything to go off though, it seemed like they were a lot more ill-disciplined than his boys were.

Or at least that’s what he liked to think. 

--------

“Phil didn’t mean to hurt you” Wilbur mumbled as they walked hand-in-hand to the old pool where they spent so much of their time together, gently lowering himself in and then helping Techno in afterwards. 

The two sat idly against the curved wall, sitting in comfortable silence as Wilbur waited for Techno to sort his thoughts out. 

“It still hurts” With a voice as quiet and weak as his was right now, anyone who had bothered to stay around long enough to hear his voice, absolutely wouldn't think this was him. 

The assertive, confident way he normally would speak to his brothers long forgotten as he gingerly swallowed the lump in his throat. 

He felt invalidated, ignored, humiliated. 

Why did Phil have to bring up the one thing he couldn’t argue with him on? He had got hit harder than Tommy! Why did he only care about Tommy? 

With a heavy chest and an aching arm, he rested his head on his brother’s shoulder, just wanting some comfort but not really knowing how to put his feelings into words. Thankfully, Wilbur seemed to recognise this rare moment and gently wrapped an arm around him. 

“Do you think….” He trailed off into a murmur after that, prompting Wilbur to remind him he needed to use his words

“Do you think that deep down...maybe Phil thinks I’m weird too? It’s weird to be this shy isn’t it? I’m supposed to have grown out of it by now right?”

His voice sounded frantic and panicked, breaths punctuated his sentences as he spilled his emotions into the empty pool. Gentle hands pulled him into a hug and he was tight against Wilbur’s chest, being reminded once again that even if he felt bad himself, his family would always save the day. 

“...well I think objectively it is a bit weird that we’re both this attached, and we should be able to be able to do these things that other kids our age can but just because what we have is a little funky doesn’t mean you're weird. If it was normal we wouldn’t have a speech therapist but I don't think it's bad, the other kids in our classes always talk about hating their siblings and stuff. I’m glad none of us are like that.” Wilbur tried his very best to articulate how he felt, a lot of the feelings he wanted to explain, he didn’t have the words to describe, and so he was left with small comparisons and metaphors. 

He didn’t bother saying them, if he was struggling with saying them he might accidentally say something that could hurt his brother more. 

“I don't think Phil thinks you're weird either. I think he’s frustrated, he works so hard to make sure we’re all okay and we don’t always show him that we appreciate it. I think maybe he’s scared for you, he knows it’s hard for you to talk and with him getting mad it probably came out wrong. He probably wants you to get better really bad and I bet it’s hard for him to watch you struggle and not be able to help. That doesn’t make what he said okay but I do think you should talk to him and try to find out why he said what he said”

Techno nodded, he felt a bit guilty for being so mad at Phil now, he cared so much about them and he had got his little brother hurt.

Even though he felt guilty, he still felt hurt though and maybe it was childish but he didn't care. He wanted to strop and huff and ignore everyone.

Before today he didn’t even realise it was possible to want to fall out of the earth and want to be cuddled by all his favourite people, simultaneously.

“I think you’ll feel better if you talk to Phil though, you wont need to make up theories on why he said it anymore than you already have.”

Another nod, he knew confrontation was inevitable but he wanted to sit here a bit longer,  with the shade from the trees and low hanging vines, to the roaring hot sun, it just felt so much better to try and think through his feelings here rather than having to think it all out while he was actually having the conversation with Phil. 

“It’s hard” An almost exasperated sigh left his lips “I know Tommy’s just the priority because he’s the youngest. I love him too, so so much, but he didn’t even check to see if I got hurt though. He saw I wasn’t able to protect Tommy and he got mad.

“Today, Phil was tired and stressed and he said some really stupid things but Tech’ I can’t tell you what he meant by them, I’m telling you all these questions would be solved so much faster if we just went and spoke to him.”

“..okay let's go”

[365hobi]

Troublesome Errands

Heyo, so here’s a little Klance one shot I wrote because I was bored out of my mind. This ended up being longer than I thought (even though I know it’s fairly short for an OS, oh well)

Word count: 1,983

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Really, Lance hadn't asked to end up here. Nor had Keith. You see, neither of them had asked to end up in a car, only the two of them, on their way to the supermarket to run some emergency errands. And it wasn't just normal food. No, of course Shiro, being the great friend he was, had asked for Keith and Lance to go get some baby food, as he was alone at home and Allura was at work. Yes, you heard it right. Baby stuff. But the worst part of it all? Lance and Keith had to go to a specific store to get this dumb organic baby food, and the store was 45 minutes away. So, that meant a car ride stuck with each other.

Keith was looking straight ahead, not even daring to glance at Lance. He didn't want the other boy with him. Every time he saw him, he felt like slapping him, because of his dumb crooked smile. The boy always popped jokes at the worst of times that made Keith's blood boil. They argued no matter what, rarely agreeing on anything. But then very rarely, they would get along and would insult each other, but in a mocking way. Those moments were rare, and their friends always cherished the times when the two boys weren't pulling each other's hair. But for the meanwhile, Keith hated Lance. The task at hand was already bad enough, so why had Shiro worsened it by making Lance tag along? He couldn't understand. All they ever did was live in the same apartment complex. Is that was explained it? Keith had no clue, so he kept driving, looking at the boring highway in front of him.

Lance was also lost in his thoughts, wondering the same thing as Keith. Why him and Keith? One of them could have gone and it would have been enough, but Shiro had told Lance that "he thought they made a good team". Plus, Lance thought, he was way more experienced with kids. He had 4 younger siblings for god's sake, he knew everything about babies. But no, he was here, stuck with a guy he hated, for the next probably 3 hours, as it would most likely take them forever to agree on anything once they had arrived at the store. Lance glanced towards Keith, seeing his brows furrowed and stare concentrated on the road in front of him. Hey, at least he was looking at where he was going. Tired of the gruesome and awkward silence, Lance decided to turn the car radio on. At first, it wasn't really promising as they were now driving in the middle of mountains and had the worst signal ever. But then as Lance was flicking through the channels, he heard familiar notes. He abruptly stopped rolling the channel wheel and raised the volume, dancing to the funky tune that was playing.

Keith hadn't paid much attention to Lance until he heard the song start. He wanted to bash his skull against the wheel and wanted out of this. Only halfway through the car drive and he felt like death. He actually decided to look towards Lance and wanted to slap him. The boy was jumping in his seat, moving his arms way too much for the enclosed car space. Keith couldn't help but notice that even though Lance was stuck in a small seat with a seatbelt on, that the guy could move. Must've been his Cuban genes. Nonetheless, it didn't help the fact that now Lance was spurring out the words to the song loudly and very badly, and that Keith hated Cindy Lauper for ever making it in the first place.

 "GIRLS, JUST WANNA HAVE FUNNNN, OH GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUNNNN!"

Keith was starting to get riled up, he could feel every muscle in his body tensing up. All he wanted was for today to go as smoothly as possible, without any arguing, without any yelling, but it was heading that direction very fast. So he turned the radio off.

"HEYYYYY I was listening to that!" Lance screamed in a high pitched whiny voice.

"Well this is my car and I don't want to listen to it." Keith grumbled, his eyes stuck to the road, knuckles turning white from holding the steering wheel so tightly.

"I don't care, I was enjoying myself and it's a good song!" Lance said and with that, he turned the volume way up, making the car vibrate from the sound the speakers were emanating.

That made Keith reach his breaking point. Even though they were on the highway with no exit near, he pulled up to the side, breaking abruptly with tires screeching, almost sending Lance flying through the windshield.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Lance turned to Keith and asked, his face turning red fast and the veins in his neck popping up.

"You asked for it. I said I didn't want to listen to it and you were annoying the fuck out of me." Keith told the boy calmly, pausing on each and every word to make sure the kid next to him understood.

Lance puffed out a sarcastic laugh. "Always have to be a party pooper don't you?" Lance muffled his hair in front of his face and his voice got low and depressing. "Hey guys, I'm Keith, I hate having fun in life and I ruin everyone's lives by being depressing and emo."

Keith punched Lance in the shoulder.

"Fuck you man." He sighed and leaned back in his seat, moving the hairs out of his face.

The two boys were silent for a moment, each of them looking out the window, calming down.

 Finally calm and ready to continue, Keith turned back on the ignition and carefully drove back onto the highway. The rest of the drive was very silent, with no music playing as Lance didn't really want to risk losing his head. They finally made it to the store, seeing it was actually a sort of big supermarket, but full of biological and organic food. Keith was relieved to finally be there and so was Lance, but both boys knew at the back of their minds that they would have to do the drive back home as well.

 "This is why I'm never getting a fucking baby." Keith huffed, walking along Lance, arms crossed.

"And this is why I hate Shiro. Why'd he even ask us two? I'm obviously way more skilled with children than you are." Lance complained, pushing the cart along the aisles. They actually had no clue where the baby food was, so they were just walking around, looking at everything on the shelves.

"We really aren't in the right aisle. Unless you want canola oil and poptarts."

Lance's head turned so fast towards Keith who was behind him, that the latter was terrified his head was gonna snap off.

"Did you say poptarts?" Lance abandoned the cart in the middle of the aisle and ran to the poptarts, looking at all the flavors.

Keith huffed some more, wishing he had never spoken a word.

“Keith!! Look, there’s raspberry, smore’s, cinnamon roll…” Lance saw one flavor and gasped loudly. “THERE’S BLUE POPTARTS. I. NEED. THEM.” Lance jumped on the packaging and grabbed it. As if someone else was gonna take them, Keith thought.

“Okay, well good for you, you now have blue poptarts. Can we please go back to what we’re here for?” Keith wanted to twist his head off his shoulder because he was so done with Lance acting like a 5-year-old. Lance looked at him and rolled his eyes, puffing out a “fine” and grabbed the cart, pushing it along while Keith followed from a distance.

After going through most of the aisles, they finally found what they were there for: the baby food. Keith pointed out that they could’ve just asked an employee, but Lance shushed him immediately. Keith approached the shelf and pulled out a crumpled chunk of paper. He squinted as he looked at the bad scribbled, slowly deciphering the words. He grabbed the right brand, grabbing an extra pot, and deposited them in the cart right next to him. Lance was looking at all the food, and when he saw the price for the food Shiro needed, he widened his eyes.

“This is expensive as hell, what the fuck.” Lance looked at Keith. “Do you see this?! $7.99 for this small thing?” He shook his head. “Ridiculous.”

Keith was for once looking at Lance without feeling any hate. He was looking at the boy with a small smile, and once Lance finished his sentence, Keith let out a small giggle at Lance’s dramatic self. Lance looked at Keith and gave him a little smirk, feeling something in his stomach after hearing the other boy giggle. But he ignored it.

They slowly walked to the cash registers, talking as if they had been friends forever. Who could’ve guessed that these two were willing to stab one another only 30 minutes earlier? Honestly, nobody was able to.

They finally got out of the supermarket, surprised that they hadn’t argued over the food, like Lance had thought it would happen. They had only briefly argued over who was paying, Keith getting out his wallet before Lance, and the pair looking at the other, silently telling the other to put down his wallet. Lance had insisted on paying, but Keith said he was already paying for the gas, so Lance let him down after a good 2 minutes of “no, I’ll pay” and the cashier, an old lady, looking at them. She had actually stopped their little fight by saying that couples always fought over that stuff. Let’s just say that both boys had blushed incredibly hard at that. And they both hadn’t hated the thought.

The drive back home was relatively calm, and the two boys did talk, again like two buddies. Keith was silently thanking whoever out there had made them get along for the drive home, because he couldn’t have handled another fight.

When they finally arrived to Shiro’s house, the older man greeted them with a big hug and pat on the back. He thanked them heaps, noticing that the boys weren’t at each other’s throats. He walked back inside and smiled to himself, satisfied with the idea that had struck him. It seemed as if this little trip had helped the two boys ease some of their hate towards one another.

As for Lance and Keith, they drove back to their apartment complex. Before Lance hopped out of Keith’s car, the other boy stopped him in his tracks.

“Hey, I just wanna say…” Keith started, searching for his words. “This… This was nice. Well, the beginning of the trip was crap but the rest…” He smiled. “It was nice.”

Lance smiled back, nodding along. “Yeah. But you’re still really annoying.”

Keith rolled his eyes. Of course, this was too good to be true. Lance let out a small giggle and poked his tongue out at him, hopping out of the car. As he was walking to the complex’s door, and as Keith was driving to the parking, Lance realized something. His poptarts. He had forgotten them in the bag along with the baby food. He ran after Keith’s car, waving his arms around. Keith noticed him in his rear-view mirror, and stopped in his tracks, rolling his window down as Lance ran to the car’s side.

“I FORGOT MY POPTARTS! My babies, my poor babies.” Lance was being a drama queen, Keith could tell. He sighed and unlocked his door, motioning Lance to hop in. Lance looked at him with widened eyes, surprised that Keith was actually gonna be nice enough to drive him to his poptarts. Lance wasn’t gonna complain. He opened the door, sat down, fastened his seatbelt and the boys drove off.

[robotnik-mun]

Robotnik Retrospective Part Six: Rage Against The Machine

Hello again, everybody, and welcome back to another exciting (*coughBullcrap*) addition to the Robotnik retrospective! Well folks, you’ve stuck through five of these things already, and really I thank all of you for that, but the reality is that this crazy train is swiftly reaching its destination- this post here will be the last of the proper retrospective posts. After this we will conclude our series with an afterward, a summation, what have you, and at last this insane party of Robotnik fan obssession will come to an end. Been a fun ride folks, but all good things must come to an end.

So far we have covered how I came to enjoy this Robotnik so much, his design and the history behind it, an in-depth look at his character, a look at how he as a character is shaped by his relationships with others and how they are in turn shaped by him, and most recently we examined the other Robotniks that were spawned from this one and featured in both Archie Comics and Sonic Underground. Sufficed to say, over the course of the retrospective we’ve covered a loooot of ground regarding ol ‘Buttnik, and it is here that we cover one last little area regarding this Robotnik.... namely, the criticisms.

Oh yes. Within the Sonic fandom all things tend to be a matter of contention, and this model of Robotnik is no different. One thing I notice across the fandom is a certain set of criticisms, criticisms that I feel tend to ignore certain contexts with this guy, or rely upon certain double standards- especially since more often than not, when these criticisms are made, it’s almost always done in relation to the Eggman of the games, despite the fact that more than a few of those criticisms can be leveled at Eggman himself, and often treat personal opinion as an objective fact.

Now obviously, this is not a demand for people to love the guy- it’s patently impossible for everyone to agree on everything. I just feel though that a lot of these criticisms are a bit lopsided, and so, I am offering up counterpoints to at least provide an alternative view or to contextualize things, and to perhaps debunk a few here and there. I’m actually kind of nervous about this one because of how easy it could be to slide into pathetic fan-whining, so hey, here’s hoping we get through this without me getting personal.

Let’s get it on.

As I said, everything in Sonic is a subject of contention or controversy to somebody. One man’s favorite is another man’s mistake of the franchise. That’s just covering the games- the various spin-offs and adaptations the games have enjoyed over the years tend to attract a particular amount of controversy. Differing interpretations, utilization or lack of utilization of materials and lore from the games, the precise nature of the world Sonic lives in, interpretations and use of characters, whether or not humans are included beyond Eggman... all of it tends to be scrutinized rather harshly. I do earnestly believe that at some level, spin-off media gets more criticism than it warrants due to the fact that, by its very nature, it is viewed as being ‘less legitimate’ than the games proper, despite existing with SEGA’s endorsement and approval each and every time. Even Sonic Underground, the most radically different Sonic adaptation out there, couldn’t get made unless SEGA gave the okay.

Another layer to all of this is the fact that the overwhelming majority of these spinoff materials were made in the USA, for American Audiences, based upon the localizations of the games. This adds another factor to the Legitimacy Debate, given that SEGA of Japan runs the show, and Sonic Team’s lore has always differed from the localized takes. Much like the ‘Subs vs Dubs’ debates within Anime fan communities, the merit of the differences and interpretations between regions is something of a warzone in itself, resulting in a very weird situation where you often see the Adaptations derided purely for being a Western invention rather than springing from the ‘true’ source of Sonic, which is Japan. The irony of this logic is that Sonic has been incredibly popular everywhere BUT Japan, and the sorts of people who espouse this viewpoint are often from Western countries themselves.

Ah, but I must digress, lest this turn into a dissertation about the nature of the fan-divide and becomes even longer than it is already shaping up to be. Point of order- the spinoff adaptations that once speckled the franchise of the 90s tend to rack up a lot of strong opinions for good or ill, and due to the sheer number of designs and interpretations Eggman/Robotnik underwent between each adaptation. In some ways it’s almost symbolic of a lot of the arguments about Eggman himself these days- how evil is he, how humorous, does he have good traits, what should his exact relationship with Sonic be, and so on and so forth. A lot of these spinoff takes often seem to embody one end of the scale or the other to varying extremes, and that is particularly evident in the SatAM model of Robotnik.

So, having brought all of that up, it is *finally* time to take a look at the most common criticisms I find of the SatAM model Robotnik, and to offer up a few rebuttals. Thank you for your patience.

Now then... on with the criticisms.  

“He doesn’t look like Eggman!”

This one comes up a lot, and really, it’s quite indisputably true.

Yeah, pretty fair observation there- these two are pretty far apart design wise, and even accounting for the artistic interpretations that were used on Eggman in Western box art during that time, it is nakedly apparent that the SatAM Robotnik is veeery different looking to the guy from the games, whether in the classical era or the modern era. So yeah, there’s no denying it- he really doesn’t look like Eggman.

However... is it really *that* big of a deal?

SatAM Robotnik is pretty far removed from Eggman from a design standpoint, but in the end, he does actually share the same basic features- bald, obese, huge mustache, and a red, yellow and black color scheme distributed by the top half being dominated by red while the bottom half is dominated by blackm and of course shaped like an egg. In this, Robotnik isn’t straying that far- he does in fact possess all the iconic features that make the Eggman design, simply re-interpreted to other extremes. Heck, Robotnik accentuates the Egg motiff in his look even more than Eggman himself! An irony I rather appreciate.

I find it hard to believe that THIS aspect of Robotnik is really *that* much of a dealbreaker, particularly since the Robotnik who first started this design trend in AosTH never seems to receive the same criticism.

Yeah, not exactly a loyal replication of the game design there, now is it? If Adventures Robotnik can get a pass for his own divergent design, then I feel that the same courtesy can be extended to SatAM Robotnik.

It’s actually a bit of an ironic twist that SEGA themselves toyed with the idea of making Eggman into a cyborg as well.

While clearly they didn’t go with this, it should be noted that Sonic Team themselves didn’t seem to think it was that much of a stretch for Eggman himself to have cybernetics as well. Just something to consider.

Heck, for extra irony points, consider SEGA themselves don’t seem to be all too concerned about whether ol’ Eggy looks the part of a man called ‘Eggman’ these days.

‘He looks like an upside down egg!’ 

My hairy butt he does. 

A buff Eggman is arguably a far, far more drastic divergence than what SatAM Robotnik’s got going on, given that it completely inverts one of the core design aspects of the character, one that has been utilized by every other incarnation out there- his obese, ovoid physique to which he owes the name ‘Eggman’ to begin with.

So yeah, I rest my case. You’re free to like or dislike a design, but this claim specifically doesn’t really seem to hold much water with regards to being a strike against him.

“He’s practically a different character!”

Weeeelllllll.... yes, and no. This is one of those criticisms that kind of misses out on certain contexts and makes a pretty big assumption- namely that Eggman has always existed as we now know him. Cause the thing is, up until Sonic Adventure? “Eggman” never really existed in the West. Confused by what I mean? Well, allow me to elaborate a bit.

While Dr. Eggman was always such back in Japan, when it came time for the games to come over to Western shores, the story and characters of the game were localized in the hopes of making the game more marketable to local audiences. As such Dr. Eggman, who had evidently already been an enemy of Sonic’s for a while before the events of the first game, now became “Dr. Ivo Robotnik”, and was given a more detailed background- that once upon a time, he was a good and kindly scientist called Ovi Kintobor, who was a friend of Sonic’s until an accident involving CHaos Emeralds and a rotten egg transformed him into the evil Dr. Ivo Robotnik, who immediately set off to conquer Mobius.

Various bits and pieces from Sonic of America’s official documents consistently characterize Dr. Ivo Robotnik as being ‘pure evil’, and his design was altered in the cover art for the games to reflect his sinister nature.

You know, I never really noticed that the Sonic 2 Cover Art made it look like he had a beard going on along with that mustache. Funky. 

Anyway!

This was to form the basis of the character in the US, and thanks to the open-ended nature of his actions in the game proper, said actions became cast in a more sinister light due to the more openly obvious and malevolent nature of Robotnik that was presented. It is from all of this then that SatAM Robotnik, and all the other Robotniks introduced in the spinoff materials at the time derive their character from, and since all the details provided painted Robotnik as an evil, evil person, it was up to the writers for these spinoffs to interpret whether they should be played for laughs or for chills.

In short? Eggman didn’t exist in the West when SatAM Robotnik was created. The criticism that he is practically a different character from Eggman is reliant upon a false premise- he cannot be faulted for being a different character to Eggman when he was created at a time when “Eggman” wasn’t even a part of Sonic as far as Western Audiences were concerned, until Sonic Adventure happened and things changed to better fit how things had always been in Japan. Similarly, the scant details we know about Eggman’s life hadn’t even been conceived of at the time.

It is at this point though that I feel compelled to point out though that while Robotnik’s differences from the current understanding of Eggman is simply a result of the time he was created, it should be noted that Robotnik is still a pretty inaccurate representation of the Robotnik from the games. SatAM Robotnik’s real name is Julian, his backstory doesn’t utilize the Chaos Emerald accident at all, he’s already the ruler of Mobius and has been for a while now, and his robots are completely different. While he still turns animals into robots, the concept has been re-interpreted so that rather than using people as batteries for his robots, the Roboticizer converts flesh and blood creatures into mechanical slaves for Robotnik’s empire.

Now these are all traits that I personally quite enjoy, but I’d be an idiot to suggest that it isn’t a pretty huge divergence from the lore that the games themselves establish. The thing of it is though, that SEGA themselves were not particularly interested in enforcing the aforementioned lore. In the earlier Adventure series, bits and pieces of Robotnik’s backstory were revealed, and much like the later SatAM , there’s not a lot that aligns with what the games had presented- Robotnik here was evil from the moment he was born and had a family in the form of an even more crazed and evil mother who constantly berated him for not destroying Sonic. Similarly, Game!Robotnik’s schtick of ‘turning animals into robots’ didn’t come up all that much, if at all.

The simple reality is? SEGA of America didn’t really care to enforce the lore it had created, and SEGA of Japan didn’t see fit to do similar. SEGA desiring a more universal approach for the setting it had created was something that came about with the advent of Sonic Adventure, and before that? Well, the most game accurate Robotnik out there, was the Robotnik from Fleetway.

Yeah, THAT terrifying bastard.

And don’t think for an instant that Sega of Japan themselves were any better at this. Back in Japan they released a series of Manga to tie into the games. Wanna know how that turned out?

Gotta confess, I don’t recall any of this happening at any point in the game. Cool robots though!

Another Manga would take it a step further and give a wholly new story- Sonic was the heroic identity that a shy hedgehog boy called Nicky could transform into. Nicky would have a family consisting of a mother, a father and a little sister, as well as having a girlfriend who would later form the basis for Amy Rose.

And then there was a manga that was released to tie into Sonic 2 for the game gear. Being a direct adaptation meant to promote the game, this would surely do a more than sufficient job of accurately portraying-

JESUS.

... so...

...uh...

...yeeah, long story short, Sonic on the whole didn’t really have a set idea, whether for Robotnik/Eggman or anything else. I once used the term ‘Jungle Law’ to describe how things were for the franchise in the 90s, and I must once more reiterate that that was precisely the case during that time, both in the US and everywhere else. People are of course free to feel about SatAM Robotnik and how he relates to the games (or rather doesn’t) as they wish, but one thing I would ask when doing that is to at least consider the time in which he was created, and to understand that even if he had been made to be game accurate at that time, he’d still be wildly, wildly different than the Eggman everyone is now familiar with.

 “He doesn’t invent anything!”

I honestly have no idea where this one came from... well, actually, that’s a lie, I know exactly where it stems from- the fact that Robotnik stole the Roboticizer from Uncle Chuck rather than inventing it himself wholesale. I can see why that would be a turn-off. Heck, I myself find it somewhat diminishing that he stole the invention rather than creating it himself wholesale, even as I love the horrible, horrible twist that it was a medical device created by Sonic’s own uncle, and the blood on Charles’ hand because of it. On that front though, I would point out that innovation is not just a matter of wholesale creation, but of taking things that existed before and taking them in new directions, and while maybe as not as grand as him being the sole creator of the Roboticizer, he still took the device and modified it towards a capacity it was never intended towards. I would argue then that it’s still pretty ingenious.

That being said though, 'never’ invents anything?

That just isn’t supported by anything seen in the series. Every last machine and robot witnessed is created by him. Taking precisely one incident and then declaring that he 'doesn’t invent anything’ because of it is a preposterous exaggeration built upon a premise thats overblown and inaccurate to begin with. No, he didn’t 'invent’ the original technology, but as I said, he took it in a direction never dreamt of before by its original creator- that’s still an application of intelligence and scientific skill.

It’s a particularly baffling accusation given that it’s not as though the games themselves dedicate huge amounts of time observing Eggman in the process of creating his machines, whether in the present time or back in the 90s. The reason I bring this up is because at times, part of what seems to fuel this criticism is that Robotnik is only rarely seen constructing his devices. Rarely however is not the same thing as ‘never’, and even then common sense would decree that the scientific genius does in fact make stuff even if you don’t see it happen.

It’s one thing to be annoyed by the fact that roboticizer isn’t his own- that’s quite understandable really. Going off of that to claim that he ‘invents nothing’ though? That’s just blatantly untrue.

“He’s lazy!”

Now unlike the last one, this is one that I just legitimately do not get. He runs an empire and personally oversees all operations from his command room. Of course he’s not going to be running around everywhere at all times, and even then, there are several episodes where he personally investigates things or direct operations personally. There’s really not a lot that can be said about this one because it’s probably one of the weakest criticisms out there, and ironically enough is itself very lazy. 

“He’s unoriginal/derivative/a ripoff!”

Well I mean, yeah? He’s literally the re-interpretation of a character from a video game, he’s quite derivative by default-

Heh, okay, okay, I’m being facetious here. I know what the actual gist of the criticism is, and to a degree it’s quite correct- Robotnik is a character who fulfills a very specific character archetype, that of the Evil Overlord. He’s big, he’s evil, he’s got a cape, and he’s got a hankerin’ for some oppressin’. Though I suppose calling it an ‘archetype’ is being a tad kind given that whenever this particular one is brought up the word that enters the vernacular more often than not tends to be ‘cliche’. Comparisons that often follow tend to accuse him of being a dime store version of Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget or Darth Vader from Star Wars (not sure why that’s a negative comparison- those two are awesome!), and I can see that to a certain degree. This character type is an old one, and Robotnik himself doesn’t exactly break new ground.

Thing is though? This criticism is almost always made by drawing an implicit comparison to his counterpart from the games, with the implication being that Robotnik is the derivative creation/concept, as opposed to Eggman. This, even more than the criticism itself, is what particularly bothers me, because frankly? This assertion is a pretty big double-standard, one of the two major double-standards that tend to arise when SatAM Robotnik is compared to his games counterpart. More than anything, I find the both of them to be incredibly rankling for precisely those reasons- we will cover the other one once we are finished with this one.

An Evil Overlord isn’t exactly a big innovation... but neither are mad scientists who are out to conquer the world with robot armies. That one had been done to death long before Sonic, and will continue to see use long after the franchise is dead and gone.

Many of Eggman’s traits are not exactly unique to him, even within video games. A bald mad scientist with a big mustache, who primarily travels around in a hovering machine, who uses armies of robots with cartoonish features and big goofy looking eyeballs? Where have I heard that before... wherever have I heard that...

Oh, hey there Dr. Wily!

But wait, I can do it across two mediums! Bald scientist, bushy mustache with mechanical engineering skills who exploits animals for his evil schemes and is constantly thwarted animals that are much smaller than himself.... remind you of anybody at all, hmm?

He’s even voiced by Jim Cummings!

Yeah, an unkind soul might accuse ol’ Eggman of being an off-brand version of Dr. Wily, and an even less kind soul might simply dismiss him as the end result of tossing Nimnul and Wily into a blender and hitting puree. Before you get worked up though know this; I do not *actually* think this, and it would be ludicrous to think of Eggman as being a ripoff or being overly derivative of those two (the traits are there, undeniably, but these are not to the detriment of the character or his originality in the least). I would be incredibly incensed at anyone earnestly suggesting that Eggman was unoriginal or a ripoff of those two or anything along those lines... but the thing is, I feel the exact same way about similar statements being hurled towards SatAM Robotnik with regards to his originality as a character. There are things that are similar to what other characters have done, sure, but there is more than enough that is distinct about him, whether its his look, his personality or M.O, that calling him a copy or derivative is fairly unwarranted, and I would say the same to anybody declaring such things about ol’ Eggy.

In conclusion? This criticism isn’t invalid by itself as we all have different tastes and such, but given the context of how it is often used, there is something of a double-standard at work- traits that would be regarded as cliche or derivative are perfectly acceptable within Eggman, but a similar courtesy cannot be extended to the SatAM Robotnik. It’s a rich thing to call one incarnation ‘a ripoff’, when the character that spawned him was most famous for using a parody of the Death Star as an ultimate weapon prior to Sonic Adventure.

Which brings me to the very last criticism I keep hearing, this one a... personal favorite.

“He’s boring/lacks depth/is uninterestng/doesn’t have a personality!”

One thing I’ve established is that some criticisms tend to be made with a direct comparison to Eggman in mind, and this one? This is the one that tends to come up the most frequently and is the most insisted upon, and often the one most loudly declared (in as much as anything on the internet can be ‘loud’). Many times when this one is made, it is done with the obvious implication that this Robotnik is deficit in these areas when compared to his game counterpart. Depth is what makes a character more than what we see on the surface- its things like history, facets of personality, flaws, strengths, weaknesses, how they express their world view through words and actions, who they are related to and how they relate or do not relate to the people in their lives, and how they develop. In short, it’s a matter of how realized a character is.

It’s also one of the most singularly *baffling* accusations to use, not because of Robotnik himself, but because of the nature of characterization within the wider Sonic franchise and the fandom’s somewhat tortured relationship with it.

One of the very ugly truths about Sonic as a series? Is that precious few of the characters can truly be seen as ‘deep’ or ‘developed’, largely as a consequence of the way this series operates. Character developments from past games are rarely if ever built upon, past details are scarce and only barely referenced after initial introductions, and personality traits are either ramped up or dialed back based on the demands of the games, which are not always written very consistently. There is nothing particularly wrong with this- this being a long running video game series with no planned end, it is to be expected that each of the characters would more or less be the same person they were the last time around, frustrating as it is when more intriguing details are waylaid as a result (looking at you, Knuckles).

The only noteworthy exception to this trend, ironically enough, is Shadow the Hedgehog.

On paper Shadow should be a rather terrible idea- a black and red furred hedgehog with a brooding attitude and powers that match Sonic’s, along with a few extra abilities Sonic doesn’t possess, who is involved in Eggman’s own family history that was never mentioned before that point? Everything about Shadow screams ‘baby’s first fancharacter’. Yet despite that fact, Shadow is ultimately the biggest recipient of character development and evolution in the series- his backstory is the most explored, he has undergone the most development, and is the only one to have grown out of the role that initially defined him. It’s all rather astounding given that he debuted explicitly as an ‘Evil Twin’ to challenge Sonic, only to ultimately wind up having more concrete details than the hero he was created to challenge.

Otherwise though? There’s not really a lot to most Sonic characters beyond a few traits that give a teensy amount of depth. This includes our good buddy Eggman.

Eggman has no real past and no real motive for his goals of world conquest, nor are any details provided with regards to what his precise vision for the world is. Since he gained the ability to talk Eggman has frequently displayed himself to be a bellicose, immature egomaniac who has never done a single genuinely selfless thing throughout the entirety of the series, nor are we given a lot of indication as to what he’s like when he isn’t actively plotting against the world. He has all of exactly one detail that gives him any kind of depth beyond being a by-the-book video game nemesis, and that’s the fact that when he was a child he admired his grandfather Gerald Robotnik and wanted to be like him. This admiration however never leads anywhere, and the last time it was mentioned was in Shadow the Hedgehog, and even then only because the plot revolved around Shadow and Gerald’s actions in the past. Contrary to what he claimed in Sonic Lost World, Eggman isn’t really a ‘complicated guy’.

Otherwise we are never provided any insight as to how the ARK incident impacted him or how it factors into his motivations, if at all- one can theorize that the treatment of his grandfather might be one of the stronger motivating factors of his mission for world conquest, but on the other hand, one can just as easily come to the conclusion that while he indeed respects and admires his grandfather and was probably upset over what happened, his goals are disconnected to that incident and his motivations are purely ego driven. Could be one, could be the other, but the fact of the matter is that there is not definite answer because it is never actually explored in the games. We don’t even have a clue as to what his thoughts or feelings about Maria and her death were.

You see where I’m getting at with this? 

Much about this franchise is what we can take from what we are provided with, what we can interpret and how we can explore mud puddles as if they had the depths of the ocean. It’s about looking past what’s set in stone, peering through the cracks and wondering what more there could be. It’s about exploring the aspects that the games themselves don’t see fit to elaborate upon. There are thousands of interpretations and ideas for how things came to be the way they are, thousands of ideas about what we *aren’t* shown or told about the characters and how they are when we do not see them in the games. It’s what makes this fandom so diverse and so wonderful.

So with all that in mind, you can imagine how I feel whenever I see this particular criticism, accusing Robotnik of being ‘boring’ or ‘lacking depth’ or anything of the like. Especially given that the character he’s being compared to when it comes up isn’t exactly a vast ocean of depth himself. People are free to disagree with the direction or the interpretation, but in a lot of cases this is one of those times when a personal opinion is being treated as an objective fact. It’s hypocritical and utterly maddening, and it carries with it a certain degree of ‘your shit stinks and mine doesn’t’.

And you know, if SatAM Robotnik DOES come off as less developed... well frankly, what do people expect? He is from a series that was made twenty years ago with a run of twenty six episodes, and no more. He is literally stuck in  time, a time when his existence was perfectly acceptable according to SEGA’s policy and marketing strategies. Otherwise? He isn’t used. The universe he is a part of isn’t used. He’s not even really referenced in a meaningful way anymore. There is literally no way for him to go any further than when the series ended. By contrast, Eggman will always be used for as long as the games are made and always be allowed to try new things, use new machines, commit new acts and rise to new heights or sink to new lows. For this though, SatAM Robotnik is innately lesser?

And you know, I can understand where a good portion of it comes from, beyond the game purists who kinda hated all the spinoffs for not matching the games by default. For the longest time this version of Robotnik was touted as the ‘best’, and for those who were not fans of this depiction it could get impossibly grating to hear it over and over again, this endless praise of something they couldn’t get the appeal of to begin with. When you’re told something is great over and over again when you don’t like it, or if something you might otherwise feel neutral about is similarly shoved into your face constantly, you start looking for flaws out of the simple resentment that it almost seems like you’re being *forced* into liking something. Heck, even when you might be neutral about a subject, having it overhyped can sour you to it.

So, having said aaaalll of that? The point of order is that I do not agree with this criticism, nor do I agree with the bulk of the mentality behind it. It frames things in such a way that makes it seems like the two incarnations are actively competing with one another, which is ludicrous given that the Games Eggman is... well... Games Eggman. He’s never, ever going to go anywhere or be replaced, so long as the games are made. I like Eggman, and I like SatAM Robotnik, and I like the fact that they are distinct from one another. I don’t need Eggman to become more like Robotnik- and for the record, I don’t think he’s a pussywillow or anything, even limiting his actions to the classic games. As outlined here, Eggman is a pretty nasty character beneath all the goofiness, having a bevy of truly horrible deeds to his name. I find complaints about him being ‘too evil’ in Archie to be fairly ludicrous given all of his actions across the games. What was the Death Egg gonna do thenm if it had successfully carried out its purpose? Pop open and spray confetti over everything while a big banner unfolded with the words “GOT YA!!” written on it, complet with a doodle of Eggman blowing a raspberry? Eggman is pretty damn nasty as is. I just feel that his SatAM counterpart is *nastier*, and as the many posts preceding this have established, I have a heavy appreciation for that fact. 

In sumary- we all have different tastes, we all have different likes, and it’s impossible to get everybody to like what they like. These are acceptable. What I don’t find acceptable is when facts are ignored or details downplayed in order to make the things that I enoy seem flatter or more limited than they actually are. Especially given how, when used, this particular criticism is often based more on opinion. As such, I heavily, heavily dispute this particular argument regarding this incarnation of Robotnik’s value as a character.

With that, the academic (for a loose definition of ‘academic’) portion of the retrospective officially comes to a close. All that remains now is to post the next installment, which will conclude the entirety of the retrospective.

Until next time, folks!

[junker-town]

We don’t appreciate Fernando Rodney enough

A list of closers from five years ago can teach us something about baseball. Specifically, that Fernando Rodney is special.

We don’t appreciate Fernando Rodney enough.

Check that. I’m pretty sure Twins fans appreciate him the proper amount right now. They appreciate the feeling of watching Rodney close a one-run game. And by “appreciate,” I mean that “it’s actually fun to feel like you’ve swallowed a live iguana that is now scurrying around in your stomach, looking for the exit.” Still, he’ll convert more saves than he’ll blow, and that’s kinda fine, even as it’s incredibly unnerving.

The rest of us don’t appreciate Fernando Rodney enough. He’s listed at 5’11”, 230, which makes him a newspaper vending machine compared to other closers. He’s 41 years old, which makes him one of the oldest players in baseball. He’s been around so long that he was on the legendary 2003 Tigers team, which had a surprising amount of future everyday players and pitchers on the roster. Yet even though he’s been around for that long, his career didn’t really get going until he was 35. And now he’s still here, still closing games.

The best way to appreciate Rodney, then, is to list all of the pitchers he’s outlasted. There were 37 closers with 10 saves or more in 2013. We’re talking five seasons ago, which shouldn’t be a baseball eon. And yet these names. They seem like they’re from an era before television, much less the internet. Names like ...

1. (t) Jim Johnson, 50 saves

Oh, he’s still pitching in the majors, even after his 5.56 ERA in 56 innings with the Braves last year, so he gets some of that Rodney fascination. But it’s important to remember a time when Jim Johnson was coming in for the Orioles, and everything was going to be alllllright. He had 101 saves in a two-year stretch, making an All-Star team, finishing seventh in the Cy Young voting, and finishing 14th in the AL MVP voting.

And then everything about baseball got a lot harder. There have been ups and downs, and I’m guessing that about half of the people reading this are really surprised that Jim Johnson is on a major league roster right now.

1. (t) Craig Kimbrel, 50

We don’t appreciate Craig Kimbrel enough, while we’re at it. Not just that he’s pitched at the same level for nine seasons, with a career 1.77 ERA and 14.7 K/9, but that he’s as good as ever right now. My only regret is that he led the AL in saves five years ago, which meant that he shows up early and ruins the impact of all the randos who will show up much later.

3. Greg Holland, 47

This was the beginning of the golden era of the “Calm down, Royals, seriously” bullpen that led to two pennants and a World Series championship. But it’s entirely possible that we’ve seen the last of him as a closer, considering his current struggles with the Cardinals. His mysterious decline in the second half doesn’t look like a blip right now. His odds of becoming another Rodney are extremely low.

They’re low for everyone. That’s the point, here.

4. Mariano Rivera, 44

We definitely don’t appreciate Mariano Rivera enough.

What are you talking about? Dude got a rocking chair made out of broken bats and surfboards and crap in ceremonies around the league when he retired. There will be a new biography written about him every five years until 2234. He’s a Yankees legend who was honored in the same over-the-top way that every Yankees legend is. What do you mean we don’t appreciate him enough?

We definitely don’t appreciate Mariano Rivera enough.

5. (t) Joe Nathan, 43

We perhaps underappreciate all of the relievers who make it through the gauntlet of their early 30s. Joe Nathan was a busted 26-year-old semi-prospect with shoulder problems and a 7.26 ERA in Triple-A. He pitched until he was 42 and had one of the better careers of any reliever in baseball history.

How can you tell these guys from the rest of the pack? How does one reliever stay viable until his 40s, and how does another disappear after he’s 26 or 27?

5. (t) Rafael Soriano, 43

We’re getting into existential territory, now. Rafael Soriano was just here. He’s younger than Jim Johnson, but he hasn’t pitched since 2015, and even then, only for six games. The year before that, he was pretty good. Then, poof. Gone.

7. Addison Reed, 40

Addison Reed was a 24-year-old closer wunderkind. Then he was a sneaky relief ace for the Mets. Now he’s 29 and the support for Rodney. What’s his future? Is he going to last for a few more years? Would you want your team to give him a six-year contract at drastically under-market prices if it meant the worst-case scenario was him sucking up $5 million in payroll in six years? Would he be correct in being interested?

8. (t) Grant Balfour, 38

Oh, those shooting stars, those relievers who emerge in their 30s and shine bright for a few years. Why don’t they get to become Rodneys? Why do their bodies have to be such jerks?

8. (t) Aroldis Chapman, 38

Or is the moral of the story that we should learn to recognize the truly special, the Kimbrels, the Riveras, the Chapmans? There is a class of reliever that is worth the long-term investment, and it’s a rare class, indeed.

8. (t) Sergio Romo, 38

But it’s hard to predict just which relievers will qualify. Sergio Romo once struck out 70 batters and walked five in 48 innings. Do you know how special that is? That’s Eck territory. And then he lost just a liiiiittle something off his sinker, and maybe his slider was more of a 65 than a 70, and now he’s a Pretty Good Reliever. Maybe. We’re still trying to figure his 2017 out.

11. (t) Ernesto Frieri, 37

Saves can come from anywhere, though.

11. (t) Edward Mujica, 37

Is it wrong to read too much into the idea of the closer? Should we just ride the Edwards Mujica as long as we can, then figure it out on the fly? One minute he was being introduced as a National League All-Star, and the next he was scrapping for NRI status.

11. (t) Fernando Rodney, 37

It’s possible that we should just keep going with the hot hand until it’s ice cold. Because if you do that, sometimes you’ll end up with a strangely valuable reliever like Fernando Rodney who refuses to leave.

In his MLB debut, Brandon Inge was his catcher, and he faced Corey Koskie, A.J. Pierzynski, Jacque Jones, and several other extremely Twins names. That seemed like an important time-is-a-flat-circle point to make.

14. Glen Perkins, 36

How long do we wait for bruised and broken closers to return

? Glen Perkins was one of the coolest cats in baseball, and it was worth waiting for him. But he floated away. As they do.

15. (t) Steve Chisek, 34

Ah, maybe along with Romo, we have something of a Unified Theory of Relievers: Funk will last longer than power. Chisek is still around, still getting outs for a contender. So if you have to choose between funk and power, go with funk.

15. (t) Casey Janssen, 34

[googles “Casey Janssen” furiously]

Wow, eight years with the Blue Jays, I mean, of course I knew that.

17. (t) Kevin Gregg, 33

I guess we can all agree on the idea that we should ignore the just-a-guys, which is to say, the guys who don’t have extreme funk or throw 98. On one side, you have the Romos. On the other, you have the Kimbrels. In the middle you have temporary fixes, even if those fixes last a few years, occasionally.

17. (t) Jason Grilli, 33

Except, hold on, aren’t we celebrating Fernando Rodney, here? He might be the best example of those temporary fixes. And yet he’s still kicking.

17. (t) Huston Street, 33

He’s outlasted closers who used to be the elite of the elite, perennial All-Stars.

There is no Unified Theory of Relievers. There is only chaos.

20. Jonathan Papelbon, 29

And the chaos will consume them all. It will consume the funky. It will consume the hangers-on.

21. (t) Jim Henderson, 28

It will consume the lucky few who are pitching for the Brevard County Manatees one minute and closing for a major league team the next.

21. (t) Kenley Jansen, 28

It just might consume the elite of the elite when you least expect it.

Be careful not to jump to conclusions, though. Seems like a great way to look like a dummy.

23. Chris Perez, 25

Closing is hard on the human body, after all.

24. (t) Joaquin Benoit, 24

But it says here that Joaquin Benoit isn’t on a major league roster, and I refuse to believe it.

24. (t) Tom Wilhelmsen, 24

Perfect stories come, perfect stories go. Here’s a closer who was suspended twice for weed and ended up bartending at a tiki bar for five years. Then he was responsible for everyone’s emotions at the end of a very long baseball game.

Closers are weird, man.

26. Bobby Parnell, 22

For four seasons, Parnell was a huge part of the Mets’ bullpen plans. In this season, he became the interim closer, saving 22 games and posting a career-best ERA.

Then he was gone.

But Fernando Rodney is still here.

WHY? I mean, I’m into it, but how does this happen?

27. (t) Koji Uehara, 21

Even the most entertaining of them all will eventually put up a 10.80 for the Yomiuri Giants when they’re 43. Metaphorically speaking.

27. (t) Jose Veras, 21

But I think we’re coming closer to that unified theory. Beware of the just-a-guy pitchers without superlative strikeout stuff or extreme funk. They’ll ghost you.

29. Rex Brothers, 19

It doesn’t matter if they come from the left side or the right, or if they have youth on their side or not.

Oh, wait, Brothers had superlative strikeout stuff. Guess we have to adjust this theory.

Don’t trust any relievers to last deep into their 30s without superlative stuff unless they’re Fernando Rodney. That’s the unified theory.

30 (t). Rafael Betancourt, 16

Or Rafael Betancourt. Rodney and Betancourt, those are the only two.

Reminder that Betancourt hit a batter in the 10th game of his career and then didn’t hit another batter in the next 670 games he pitched.

But even Betancourt had to go away one day. Which means we’re left with Rodney.

30. (t) Danny Farquhar, 16

Farquahr is still on a major league roster. Seems like a bar bet that could make you money. Except he’s still five years younger than Rodney was when he was established as a late-inning presence.

Respect Fernando Rodney.

30. (t) Mark Melancon, 16

He has outlasted the billion-dollar closers who were on their way up.

33. Heath Bell, 15

He has outlasted the All-Stars who knew how to make an entrance.

34. Brandon League, 14

He has outlasted the pitchers with superlative stuff who didn’t know where it was going.

35. (t) LaTroy Hawkins, 13

He’s just a year away from outlasting LaTroy Danged Hawkins, if you can believe it.

35 (t) Brad Ziegler, 13

He’s outlasted the funk.

37. Francisco Rodriguez, 10

He’s outlasted the power.

I’m not saying that Twins fans need to be excited when Rodney comes in to close a one-run game. I’m saying that the rest of us should marvel at how rare it is for a closer to last five years, even. How rare it is for one of them to make it into their 40s while still being at least halfway effective. How rare it is for someone with little more than 94 mph and a sweet changeup to continue to get hitters out.

How rare it is for all of these components to be found in one package.

Maybe we appreciate Rodney plenty. But it won’t cost anything if we go overboard for a post or two, so here you go. That’s a list of 37 players who were busy saving wins and making money for baseball teams just five years ago. Just five of them are still saving wins. One of them is Rodney. He gets no respect, I tell you. Please tip your cap to him, and then place it back on your head slightly askew. The arrows will come back down one day, but they aren’t falling on us yet.

He really is a unique snowflake, this one.

Fernando Rodney catching snow in his mouth between pitches pic.twitter.com/CF7UZrEaQ9

— CJ Fogler (@cjzero) April 5, 2018

We probably don’t appreciate Fernando Rodney enough.

[surveystodestressme]

105.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 26

2401. Does love come from the brain, the heart or elsewhere?

the brain

2402. Have you ever given a shot?

yep

2403. Can you lick your elbow?

i doubt it

2404. If i was going to be talking to you for 10 minutes, what would be something really interesting you know a little bit about but would like to know more??

ummm... i don’t know.  something historic maybe.  i don’t know a lot about history

2405. If today was a holiday, what would it be?

i don’t know

2406. If you were making a mix tape what would you HAVE to have one it?

hmmmm, something fun that you can dance to

2407. What do you think of the Sopranos?

never watched it.

2408. Can you name three good things about the society you live in?

respectful, technologically advanced, and intelligent

How about three bad things?

racism, social media over attachment, and ignorance

2409. Have you ever had a crush on your teacher?

I mean i’ve probably thought one was cute but nothing serious

How about your boss?

no.

2410. What is the difference between acting like someone in high school and acting like an adult?

teenagers are just more immature most of the time and adults are supposed to be more mature

2411. What is the difference between a whopper and a whopper jr?

the whopper jr is slightly smaller duh.

2413. Do you like:

Moby?

Run DMC?

the Cure?

Shakira?

Blink182? yeah

the Pet Shop Boys?

Weezer? yeah

Red Hot Chilli Peppers? yeah

Nick cave?

The Pixies?

KRS-One?

The Juice Crew?

2414. Have you ever seen a movie in 3D?

yes.

2415. How difficult do you think it is for immigrants to come into your country?

i’m sure it’s pretty difficult

How difficult is it for them to become citizens?

still prettty hard i’m sure

2416. Do you have what it takes to go live in another country, maybe for years, where you don’t speak the language as your first language?

i think it would be hard but if i tried to learn the language and studied hard, i think i would figure it out eventually.

2418. Have you ever died in your dreams?

yeah

2419. Do you like

Douglas Adams?

Kurt Vonnegut?

Tom Robbins?

Philip K Dick?

Orson Scott Card? idk any of these people

2420. What clothing size are you?

medium

2421. Does science leave room for faith?

i mean, not really

Does faith leave room for science?

idk.

2422. What book should our political leaders read and why?

ohhh idk

2423. Why and under what circumstances are people more likely to buy brand names rather then their generic counterparts?

most people who buy brand name things only for the name not because of how good or not good the product actually is.

2424. What is your favorite glass object?

mugs

2425. Do you like to window shop?

not at all

2426. Have you ever loved someone so much it just turned to hate?

no???

2427. What is arrogance?

check the dictionary.

2428. Are you more liberal or conservative?

-

2429. When there is a presidential election in the USA why do we never hear anything about the third party candidates? Do you even know who they were last time?

because they only try to focus on the two main candidates

2430. Are you more likely to buy one really nice expensive outfit or a couple of cheap outfits?

a couple cheap outfits.

2431. If you could, would you wear everything once, throw it out and buy something new?

nahh

2432. Do you believe that people have a responsibility to be:

good to other people?

good at their job?

helpful to the earth(not litter, recycle)?

aware consumers(not buy animal tested products, not buy products that were made in sweatshops, etc)?

non-wasteful (not spend their money frivolously when they could save it to help others)?

charitable (donating money, volunteering)? yeah

Which of the above are you?

i’m charitable, good to other people, and good at my job.  the rest i’m not so good at

2433. How do you feel about the internet?

i like it, i just know i need to not be on it so much

Should there be laws and censorship on the internet?

on some things, yeah

2434. Can you think of any questions that aren’t already on this survey?

not off the top of my head

2435. Does sleep seem like a little death to you?

kind of? ig

2436. Have you ever seen(and if yes, what did you think of):

Joy Ride?

Ghost World?

Monsters Inc? yeah, it’s a classic.

Queen of the Damned?

Office Space?

2437. At what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn’t real?

like 13 lol

2438. How many pairs of shoes do have in your closet?:

around 50

Do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like a variety?:

i like a variety

2439. How many lovers have you had?

one.

2440. Have you ever had surgery? For what?

when i was really young, i swallowed a penny lol

2441. What puts you in the mood for sex?

a lot of things honestly.  

2442. Have you ever been on alcohol or drugs while at school or work?

i smoked weed before i went to work before and that was a bad decision idk how people do it every day

2443. What do you think of Martha Stewart?

i don’t really have an opinion

2445. What do you think of:

British people?

Australians?

Americans?

Canadians?

Mexicans?

French people?

Germans? i don’t mind any of them except americans (i am american) and they’re mostly a bunch of idiots and give us all a bad rep to other countries.

2446. What do you do to cure the hiccups?

drink water? idk

2447. What is the FIRST thing you do when you come home from school or work?

find something to do that’s fun

2448. Are you a slob?

the opposite, actually

2449. Do you have a good work ethic?

generally, yeah.

2450. Are you a pack-rat?

nope.

2451. Do you roll your eyes alot?

not really

2452. Do you prefer b-sides or remixes?

b sides.

2453. What makes the world go ‘round?

money

2454. Is Blink182 punk or pop?

a lil bit of both.

2455. Do you remember Fat Albert?

yes.

2456. Do you take things slowly, as they come?

it depends

2457. Are you laid back or tense?

more tense i think.

2458. Are you insecure?

not usually

2459. Imagine you are working in a soup kitchen. You are supposed to give each person on the line a half a cup of soup. When hungry people come up to you do you just end up emptying the cabinets for them?

i would tell them to come back for seconds so everyone in the line can have an equal share first.<---- (what the last person wrote and i 100% agree)

2460. Why can’t we give ourselves one more chance?

we can.

Why can’t we all just get along?

good question

2461. What bands do you want to see live that you have never seen?

oh there’s plenty

2462. Do you like raunchy songs (like that lick ny neck, lick my back, lick my pussy, lick my crack song)?

i don’t mind them i guess? lol

2463. Do you think that the Beatles are still the Beatles without John Lennon?

sure

Would you want to see the Sex Pistols without Sid Vicious?

idk who they are really so idc

Did you think that the members of Nirvana were smart to reform as the Foo Fighters instead of trying to stay Nirvana after Kurt’s death?

sure.

2464. Do you like the band Squeeze?

never heard of them.

2465. When you are angry or upset do you know you’re being irrational but you can’t really stop?

pretty much

2466. Is there room in your life for one more trip to the moon?

huh?

2467. Where are they now:

Your first best friend in elementary school? oh i don’t know, i have her on facebook though

your first crush? i think he lives 30 minutes from me

your first boy/girlfriend? ^^^^

your first love? ^^^^^^

your first lover? he is at his house right now

2468. Do you have a lot of self pity?

nah

2469. have you ever had something really good come out of something really bad that happened to you?

i’m sure

2470. Do you like magnetic poetry?

i don’t even know what that is

2471. What is one of your secret delights?

uhhh i don’t know

What gives you a cheap thrill?

idk

What is your biggest guilty pleasure?

i have a lot of them

2472. Have you ever misinterpreted song lyrics in a funny way (I used to think that 'wake me up before you go, go’ was 'wake me up and buy me cocoa’)?

plenty of times haha.

2473. What are the most popular/overused diary names?

-

2474. Are you under pressure?

kind of

2475. How well do you know yourself?

pretty well, i think

2476. Is 'soul’ such an old fashioned word?

i don’t think so

Is 'love’?

no.

2477. Name a person you love: my boyfriend.

How do you love them? Let’s count the ways…

i love everything about him.

2478. Does your place have a lawn gnome?

i have two really tiny gnomes but they would look silly on my lawn

2479. Do you ever wonder, 'why me’? sometimes, yeah

When?

when i’m having a shitty day

2480. Is rap a form of poetry?

i suppose

2481. What’s the difference between a player and a baller?

i don’t think there is a difference?

2482. What imagery do you get from the words 'woodsmoke and herbs’?

food

2483. How many days until your birthday?

a little less than a month

2484. have you ever MEANT to hurt anyone?

eh, kinda.

2485. What are 3 things you don’t know?

there’s plenty of things that i don’t know

2486. Do you usually feel physically well or unwell?

sometimes, yeah

2487. Would you ever submit your picture to be 'rated’ on one of those 'hot or not’ websites?

haha maybe

2488. Why are there hardly ever any fat people in movies?

because they don’t like overweight people in hollywood, however i’ve seen a lot more overweight people in movies recently.

2489. Is there any difference between what’s real and what’s for sale?

huh?

2490. Are you funky?

funky fresh

2491. Do apologies always make things all better?

not always, no

2492. Let’s just say that there is a huge ass bomb that can blow up the Whole Planet..it is set to blow up in 100 years. You can push the button to stop it but if you do you Will die. You only have this one chance to stop it. Do you stop it?

if it was for real, then yeah.  and hopefully after i have time to say goodbye to my family.

2493. Let’s say someone else found the button to stop it instead of you. Do you think it is their moral obligation to save humanity at the expense of their own life?

i mean, no not necessarily.  it would be a hard decision for anyone

2494. What’s the silliest name you can think of?

kudos

2495. It’s the middle of the night and you are home alone. Someone knocks on the door and says their car broke down and asks to use your phone. What do you do?

if i am home alone, i am not answering the door unless i know someone is supposed to be coming over.  they are shit out of luck.

2496. If a cop pulled you over and asked if he could search your car what would you say?

i know my rights, they cannot legally search my car without probable cause.  and they would have no reason to search my car anyways.

2497. Are you meek or nasty around cops?

meek. i’ve never had a problem with one before

2498. If you were me and I was you then where would we be?

idk.

2499. What has been the greatest invention so far?

electricity, farming, heating, carpentry, etc.

2500. We are at question 2500. Do you REALIZE what this MEANS??!!!

halfway point

[highlineheartbeats]

Every Song on Taylor Swift’s reputation

As analyzed by Time Magazine

1. “…Ready For It?”: Starting things off with a thumping bass line and rallying cry, “…Ready For It?” also offers one of Swift’s prettiest melodies. “In the middle of the night, in my dreams, you should see the things we do,” she sings sweetly before switching into her new-era rap-singing. “He can be my jailer, Burton to this Taylor,” she insists, name-checking a famous — and drama-filled — pairing, and setting the scene for the rest of the album’s investigation of the perils of stardom.

2. “End Game” (featuring Ed Sheeran and Future): Swift tapped her good friend Sheeran for this slow-jam-style track, a self-reflective — and self-aware — plea to both the listener and a lover. “I wanna be your end game,” Swift sings off the top, allowing in a little vulnerability — before jumping into a rap-sung chorus. “Big reputation, you and me we got big reputations,” she chants, recognizing the baggage that her stardom brings (and name-checking the album’s title, of course). Of-the-moment rapper Future of “Mask Off” success adds in a slick verse, sticking to the love-against-the-odds theme. Swift goes on to sing she doesn’t want to be an “ex-love” and that she isn’t into the drama; it’s just her burden to bear. This is peak Swift: emotionally open, but ready and willing to have some fun with the hype around her own persona. Sheeran’s contribution comes in the form of another rap-sung verse in the same vein, seeming to reference his own relationship and the pitfalls that fame has placed in his path to love. His advice? Ignore the rumors.

3. “I Did Something Bad”: Swift knows that her critics have strong opinions about her; after all, the album is called Reputation. And in the bombastic “I Did Something Bad,” she appears to address some of the narratives that have surrounded her. “I never trust a narcissist, but they love me / So I play them like a violin, and I make it look oh so easy,” she opens this one over a sharp string pluck. “If a man talks s–t then I owe him nothing.” Here is new-era Swift: holding her head high, unapologetic and fiercely protective of her own success. Then, a funky dubstep drop brings shades of her mega-hit “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” into the mix. Heavily electronically manipulated, and punctuated with a strong beat, it’s a banger of a track — and her defiant response to her detractors. “I never trust a playboy, but they love me,” she insists, stating matter of-factly that it’s best to “leave before you get left,” and hinting that maybe her splashy former relationships weren’t all they might have seemed. And then there’s the kicker: “They’re burning all the witches, even if you aren’t one,” she croons on an auto-tuned bridge. “Go ahead and light me up.” Of all the quotable lines in Swift’s oeuvre, this one is right up there at the top for its blazing imagery.

4. “Don’t Blame Me”: If you’re a fan of Avicii or Kygo’s brand of un-rushed atmospheric electro-pop, you might like the rich, vibey notes Swift brings together in “Don’t Blame Me,” a moody, dark song that starts out swinging and pretty, and builds into a gospel-backed EDM anthem. “Don’t blame me, love made me crazy / if it doesn’t you ain’t doin’ it right,” she sings emphatically. “Lord save me, my drug is my baby, I be using for the rest of my life.” Swift has endured criticism for her relationships: the fact that she’s in them, the fact that she sings about them. “Don’t Blame Me” could be a clapback to that criticism, reminding listeners that the heart simply wants what it wants, as her friend Selena Gomez once said.

5. “Delicate”: Swift is, appropriately enough, at her most fragile on “Delicate.” Refreshingly honest, it’s a melodic electro-ballad with a resonant refrain. “My reputation’s never been worse so, you must like me for me,” she muses, her voice a light wisp, in a wry nod to her year in the spotlight before breaking down her insecurities: “Is it cool that I said all that? Is it too soon to do this yet?” Like pretty much anyone dealing with a new crush, Swift sings of moments of doubt. Perhaps even superstars have their sore spots. She couches this sweetly uncertain song in snippets of dates — at a dive bar, in her apartment — but keeps it about her circular internal monologue, always questioning just how much her feelings are being reciprocated.

6. “Look What You Made Me Do”: Swift’s lead single — and immediate chart-topper following its release — “LWYMMD” was a shocking reintroduction to the Swift of Reputation: hard, unapologetic, focused on retribution. Step aside, “Bad Blood,” this song is much more cutting. “I’ve got a list of names, and yours is in red, underlined,” she reminded her haters over a Right Said Fred sample. The propulsive beat and insistence that the old Taylor was “dead” only sharpened her point.

7. “So It Goes…”: Here, she switches things back to romance, reflecting on just how a new love interest might help her out of her fixations: “you make everyone disappear,” she explains in the moody, murky opening segment, which opens into a trap-lite chorus about getting caught up in the moment (and, of course, leaving some signature lipstick “on your face”). But for life with Swift, that’s just how it goes. “I’m yours to keep, and yours to lose. You know I’m not a bad girl, but I’ll do bad things with you,” she adds with a wink; this version of Swift has made a marked departure from her squeaky-clean roots as America’s Nashville sweetheart.

8. “Gorgeous”: Yes, that’s Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds’s baby daughter James opening up “Gorgeous” with a gurgle. But the rest of the song deals with adult topics. Over a bubbling, chime-like beat, Swift sings about the irresistible power of attraction — even when it’s not the best idea. “You’re so gorgeous, it actually hurts,” she sings with frustration. “There’s nothing I hate more than what I can’t have.” Despondent, she talks of heading home to hang out with her cats — and then, with a wink, invites her object of attention to join her.

9. “Getaway Car”: Told as a dramatic story of a heist and an ill-fated love adventure over shimmering 80s-style production, “Getaway Car” is one of Swift’s most metaphor-driven tracks on the album. “We never had a shotgun shot in the dark,” she sings with a rebellious twang. “Nothing good starts in a getaway car.” Swift’s has often had its fair share of melodrama; remember “Into the Woods”? In “Getaway Car,” though, she calls herself a “traitor” who turns in her erstwhile partner in crime. Looks like Swift might be willing to flirt with the dark side, but she’s no good at following through with crimes — of the legal kind, or of the heart. Instead, she says, she takes the keys and leaves the guy stranded at a motel. It’s no happy ending, but it’s a reminder that Swift isn’t afraid to assert her independence.

10. “King of My Heart”: Taylor Swift has always been good at love songs. In “King of My Heart” she hits her sweet spot, over a synth-heavy track and strategic auto-tune assist. “I’m perfectly fine, I live on my own, I made up my mind I’m better off bein’ alone,” she starts off. But it doesn’t stay that way for long; after meeting a (evidently non-American) paramour who pursues her, the story (and the song) go straight into the romance. “You’re the one I have been waiting for,” she gushes, dissing some other guys with “their fancy cars” who didn’t quite measure up to this new interest. And yes, the character in the title is indeed the king of her heart — and body, and soul.

11. “Dancing With Our Hands Tied”: Although it starts off as a down-tempo, melancholy kind of tune, “Dancing With Our Hands Tied” adds in Swift’s now-rote trap-lite drop to amp up the drama on this will-we-won’t-we tale of star-crossed lovers separated by an unkind fate. “I had a bad feeling,” she suggests about the romantic interest, but she goes on to dance with him anyway; some chemistry just can’t be denied.

12. “Dress”: “I only bought this dress so you could take it off,” Swift sings slyly on “Dress,” her most overtly sexual work yet. She wants her lover to carve his name into her bedpost; her hands shake in anticipation. A breathy, synth-y track with lots of whispery vocals, Swift is unequivocal about her interest in this person as much more than a friend. “Made your mark on me; a golden tattoo,” she sings cryptically. It’s a departure from her usually PG approach to love songs, emblematic of a Swift who’s claiming her maturity more than ever.

13. “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”: Kicking things off with a siren sound, Swift strips it back to a stomping call-out of the haters, a giddy sister of sorts to dark lead single “Look What You Made Me Do.” “Why’d you have to rain on my parade?” she asks, her voice petulant, sneering with humor and attitude. “This is why we can’t have nice things, darling: because you break them, I have to take them away.” When she tries to go diplomatic — “forgiveness is a nice thing to do” goes one line, sung in an angelic lilt — she breaks the fourth wall with a burst of sharp laughter. Swift is no longer willing to “Shake It Off,” as she once tried to do.

14. “Call It What You Want”: Maybe the most by-the-book Swift song on Reputation, “Call It What You Want” is a slow-burning meditation on the transformative power of relationships, filled with lyrical puns: “All the liars are calling me one,” she sighs at one point. “All my flowers grew back as thorns.” But this is still a love letter, and a reminder that Swift has moved on from the fray around her so-called “reputation.” “My baby’s fly like a jetstream, high above the whole scene,” she sings proudly, making it clear that the baby in question has taken her along for the ride.

15. “New Year’s Day”: Her one acoustic piano ballad on the album, “New Year’s Day” is a tender and intimate love song. The snapshots are sweet and evocative: glitter on the floor after a party, candle wax and polaroids on the hardwood floor, holding hands in the backseat of a taxi. “Hold on to the memories,” she repeats in the chorus, “and I will hold on to you.” Nostalgic for the moment even as it’s happening, it’s a lovely, effecting closer, letting Swift’s voice and earnest message shine without the complications of over-production. She may get her kicks with big pop anthems, but vulnerable ballads like this one are just as much a part of her musical DNA.

Lifted from Time Magazine