#for context. I stopped doing ballet at 13 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wickedobsessed101 · 3 years ago

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"Sewing It Up" Oneshot #13: "Guiding Light"

3.9K words of more mother-daughter fun fluff with Villy & Nyris ‘cause I was in the mood.

This was supposed to be the final oneshot in the series, but I’m writing one more after this!

~~~

“Nyris, the bus is coming in fifteen minutes, whether we’re at the stop or not,” Villy sighed from the doorway. “Personally, I’d like to be there.”

“Where’s my bag?” the ten-year-old groaned as she ran around her room.

“Wherever you left it. Maybe you’d be able to find something if you cleaned your room.”

“It’s not a mess. It’s organized chaos.”

The blind seamstress rolled her eyes with a huff. “There’s no such thing, especially in this house with me.”

“Found it!” Nyris giggled triumphantly. She made sure she had her allowance (she had been saving for almost three months), slipped her plastic cat ears headband onto her head, and fixed the long strap over her shoulder, matching her stepmother. “Let’s go!”

The two had been looking forward to this special day all week: shopping together at the Sheplin Mall. It was something they didn’t get to do as much, since Nyris was busy with school and ballet, and Villy was busy in the boutique. But the dressmaker had taken the weekend off, leaving Scarly and Maven in charge of the shop, for some much-needed quality time. She remembered teasing her former-employee-now-princess about being a workaholic, and didn’t want to slip into that hypocrite area.

“Put on a sweater. It's getting cooler.”

She went into her closet and grabbed her sky blue, button-up cardigan. “Okay! Let’s go!” She bounced past her stepmother and down the steps with her in tow. “C’mon, Mimsey! We’ve gotta catch the bus!”

The dressmaker reached for her cane on the hook by the door and unfolded it. “I don’t know why you’re rushing me. I’m not the one who spent twenty minutes trying to figure out which skirt to wear.”

“I had to make sure it matched my leggings!” she said like it was obvious.

Villy couldn't blame her, knowing she picked up the fashion tips from her, and locked the door behind them. The two walked down the street to the bus stop hand-in-hand, Nyris excitedly swinging their arms. They made it with five minutes to spare, and Villy got out her wallet for the bus fare, mimicked by Nyris.

“I have my own bus money.”

“I thought you wanted to use your money at the mall.”

“Big girls pay for themselves. I wanna use my own money.”

Villy gave her a light hand squeeze, knowing she wanted to feel grown-up, and nodded. “Okay.”

Once the bus arrived, the young girl proudly paid her fare with a wide grin, then led her stepmother to a two-seater near the middle. “Mimsey?”

“Yeah?”

“No seamstressing.”

Her eyebrow quirked. “What does that mean?”

“You don’t have to talk about fabrics or hemstitches or anything seamstressy. No work talk.”

She nodded. “I promise not to stress over seams.”

“Mimsey.”

Villy had been dreading the day her stepdaughter’s love and interest in her profession would diminish. Now ten, Nyris was starting to develop her own interests, and Villy saw she was starting to lose her “magical dressmaker” persona. But she had to appreciate her honesty. “Okay, Jellybean. This is our special time together, and I’ll make sure my seamstress side doesn’t take over my mother side.”

She snuggled closer. “Thank you.”

Since work-talk was off the table, Villy asked about school and extracurriculars. Nyris indulged her excitedly. The young girl was more than happy to talk about her best friends, how much she liked her music teacher, the boy she liked, and the boy she didn’t.

“I’m ready for my vocabulary test next week, but there’s one word I’m having trouble using in a sentence.”

“What word?”

“Innuendo.”

She thought for a moment. “Okay, here’s one: As long as you’re living under my roof, you better not let me catch any boys sneaking in-ya-window.”

Nyris burst into a fit of giggles. “You’re silly, Mimsey!”

Villy immediately joined her, hugging her close. The driver announced their destination and the bus stopped down the street from the front entrance to the mall. The young girl led her stepmother through the double doors and excitedly looked around at all the stores.

“Let’s get a map. There should be a large board map with little maps inside a pocket near the door.”

“Over here.” Nyris took her hand and lead her towards the large map. She pulled one out and unfolded it. “Got one.”

“Let’s start on the ground floor first, then work our way up. How does that sound?”

“Okay,” Nyris said. She took her hand, this time intertwining their fingers, before she began to walk with her through the mall.

Villy tried to identify a few stores based on smell, or by the context of conversations she overheard. Some stores played music, while others didn’t. She knew when they passed a shoe store and a perfume store by their different, distinct smells. Nyris seemed to sense what she was trying to do and began to describe the stores as they passed them, which made Villy smile.

“This is Tessy’s,” Nyris said, leading her into a store.

“What do they sell here?”

“Mostly dressy clothes, like blouses, dress pants, business suits, skirts, and dresses.”

“Is it a big store?”

“Um… I guess so,” Nyris said, already half-distracted by a rack of pink skirts.

Villy nodded and followed her around the store. The aisles in between the racks of clothes were wide, not creating much of an obstacle. She followed the sounds of her stepdaughter’s giggles and contemplation hums. She knew she wasn’t actively thinking to hold her hand and lead her through the store, so she used the other skills she had to make sure she didn’t get lost or lose her. “What’s the golden rule?”

She looked up from the table of collared sweaters. “Stripes never go with plaids or florals.”

“And who taught you that?”

“You did, Mimsey.”

The seamstress grinned. Those were the only work-related words of wisdom she offered during their trip.

“Look at this!” Nyris smiled, gently pressing a piece of fabric into her hands.

Villy took the fabric and examined it. It was a silky material with sleeves that felt like they would stop at elbow length. She felt the collar and the buttons of the front and realized that it was a blouse. “This is nice,” she commented. “But it’s so light. It feels see-through.” Her stepdaughter hadn’t started wearing a bra yet, and a see-through blouse wouldn’t be ideal.

“I can wear a camisole underneath it,” Nyris said logically.

Villy shook her head and gave it back. “Find something that’s not see-through.”

“Okay,” she said glumly as she put the blouse back.

A few minutes later, the ten-year-old decided on a cotton candy pink, non-see-through blouse, a navy, gathered, mini-skirt (that Villy made sure wasn’t too mini), and baby blue maxi dress with a smocked bodice, ruffled tiered silhouette, and little hearts all over, before they made their way to the checkout counter.

“Your total is twenty-two dollars and fifty cents,” the cashier said.

Nyris pulled out her money and handed it to the cashier. “Thank you!”

“Ready?” Villy asked.

“Uh-huh!”

They made their way to the second floor, where Nyris wanted to go into another clothing store. Villy suspected that it was like the previous store since she recognized some of the fabrics that brushed against her arm. She found her way to a rack of skirts and felt through the items.

“What about this one?” she asked, pulling out a wool skirt and holding it up to where she thought her stepdaughter was standing. “Nyris?” When she didn’t get a response, she called her again. Still nothing. Taking a deep breath, she tried not to panic. She couldn’t have left the store, but then where was she?

“Is everything alright, Miss?” a sales associate to her left asked.

Villy turned towards her. “I seem to have been separated from my daughter.”

“What does she look like?”

“Um… she’s ten, wearing a cat ears headband, and –”

“Mimsey!” Nyris exclaimed, hurrying towards her.

“Found her,” the associate chuckled before excusing herself to help another customer.

“Nyris, where were you?” Villy asked, relief evident in her voice.

“I found this really cute blue dress and wanted to try it on.”

“That’s fine, but you need to let me know where you’re going before you go off like that.”

Nyris quickly realized her mistake. “Oh. I’m sorry.”

Villy sighed, rubbing her face. “It’s okay. Do you like the dress?”

“Yeah. It’s nice,” she said, handing it to her to feel.

After inspecting it, Villy gave her approval and showed Nyris the wool skirt she found. Nyris took a clear interest in it and held it up to her body.

“It looks like it’ll fit.”

“You wanna buy it?”

Nyris hummed in consent, and they went to the register. As they walked out of the store, the young girl continued to chat happily with her stepmother, happily walking side-by-side. They went inside a few more stores, but didn’t buy anything, since Nyris didn’t see anything she was interested in.

Carousel music in the distance caught the dressmaker’s attention and she stopped. “Do you remember riding the carousel?”

“A bit. It was fun, but you weren’t feeling well afterwards.”

The seamstress fought to keep the smile on her face. “Do you wanna go again? You’re ten now. I think that’s old enough to go by yourself.”

“No. I’m okay.”

She swallowed. “I’ll go on with you, if it would make you more comfortable. You used to love carousels.”

“I don’t want to now. Carousels are for little kids.”

She could tell she didn’t believe what she just said, but was led away from the music before she could comment further.

“Can we go into the sweets shop?” Nyris asked, stopping in front of a sweet shop.

Villy turned and smiled at the strong scent of chocolate. “Okay.”

“They’re having a truffle sale. We can fill a gift bag with fifty pieces for fifteen dollars.”

The seamstress had no idea what they were gonna do with fifty truffles, but Nyris led her around, telling her all the chocolate flavors on the wall.

“There’s cappuccino, coconut, red velvet, almond, strawberries and cream, caramel, and white peppermint.”

They worked together to fill their bag (Villy’s selection consisted of mostly red velvet, and Nyris’s got coconut) with the assorted flavors.

“Let’s have some lunch before snacking of truffles,” the dressmaker said as they left and Nyris reached into the bag, sneaking a snack.

After salads in the food court, followed by a few pieces of their treats, they made their way to the top floor. They walked around, mostly window shopping (with descriptions of the window displays), then Nyris found a tween clothing store and picked out a denim jumper and pink plaid overall dress. As they walked out, Nyris gasped loudly, and Villy stopped abruptly.

“What is it?”

“You need new clothes, too!”

The seamstress relaxed. “Alright. Let’s go to Keada’s. It should be down this way.” She turned and led Nyris down the way they came. She recognized the store by the soft music and led her inside.

“What are you looking for?” Nyris asked.

“Um… something for fall, that will be warm without trapping body heat. They should have their fall clothes out.” She found a table and felt through the blazers and skirts, feeling for fabrics and shapes she liked.

“Look at this!” Nyris took her hand and guided her to a nearby mannequin.

Villy examined the dress. It was a polar fleece dress with an elbow-length cloak over the shoulders, short sleeves, and midi length, swing skirt that billowed out. “Okay. What color is it?”

“Magenta. And it has little, light pink roses on the skirt.”

She groped around for the dress rack. “Is it on this one?”

“Yeah. It comes in magenta, red, and dark green.”

“Which one’s the magenta?”

“The ones in the front right side. And they’re in size order.”

She sifted through the dresses, figuring the mediums would be in the middle. She pulled out a dress and held it against her body. “What size is this?”

“Medium.”

“Great. Let’s find the fitting rooms.”

Nyris saw the large fitting room sign on the other side of the store, followed by Villy. She played a game of invisible hopscotch as Villy tried the dress on.

“Nyris?” Villy asked, emerging from the room, smoothing out the skirt, which stopped at her knees in soft pleats.

The young girl turned with a wide grin. “Wow! You look spectaculary, Mimsey!”

“Thank you. I like the way this feels.”

“Buy it! Buy it!”

She smiled and disappeared back into the fitting room, reemerging in her regular clothes and the dress in her free hand. As they left the store, she checked her watch. “We have time for one more store.”

“Why one? I thought we were gonna spend the day together.”

“We are. It’s a surprise, so pick your final store.”

She glanced down at the map in her hands, then grinned and led the way down the path.

“What store is this?”

“Klaire’s!”

The dressmaker braced herself for the over-excitedness of a ten-year-old girl surrounded by sparkly accessories. She knew exactly what to expect, and Nyris didn’t disappoint. She wasn’t surprised when Nyris made her hold the bags as she flitted around the store, looking at all the accessories. The sparkly accessories caught Villy’s attention, and she suggested a glittery, heart-pendant necklace, which Nyris immediately fawned over.

Nyris declared their shopping day a success as she exited the store with her bag of new headbands, silk scrunchies with long ribbons attached, sparkly hair clips, and the heart-pendant necklace. “Where are we going now?” she asked once she and Villy exited the mall.

“The Peach Oasis.”

The little girl gasped. “The fancy spa?”

“I booked the mother-daughter twinning package, complete with facials, massages, and mani-pedis.”

“Really? Thank you, Mimsey!” She threw her arms around her.

Villy eagerly returned the hug. “You’re welcome. Our appointment’s at four. It’s across town, so we have to take the bus, then walk.”

“I like walking with you.”

She chuckled. “I like walking with you, too. Let’s get going. Can you put your bags in mine?” She was given a big bag at Keada’s, despite only buying one dress.

Nyris’s multiple purchases easily fit in the big bag. They made it to the bus stop just in time, taking it a few stops to the other side of the city. Once they got off, Villy took the lead as they headed down the street. With one hand holding the bag and the other maneuvering her cane, it left no free hand for Nyris to hold. Instead, the younger girl looped her arm with her stepmother’s bag arm, falling in step beside her.

Villy chose to think that this was a mother-daughter thing, rather than a guiding thing. Nyris was at the age where she was very eager to help everyone do everything. Whether it was stapling papers for her father, helping Chozon learn his colors and numbers, or leading and handing her stepmother things, she was always in ‘all hands on deck’ mode.

While the seamstress appreciated the help (since she knew it would probably vanish in her teenage years), she had to gently explain to Nyris that she didn’t need help with everything all the time. The little girl was very sweet and caring, with her heart in the right place, and didn’t want to discourage her, so they had to work on finding that balance together.

Now that she was more susceptible to outside influences, that’s where it probably came from. But at the end of the day, she was still a child, albeit a naturally precocious one, and Villy didn’t want to throw the extra responsibility onto her.

“There’s a sign up ahead,” Nyris pointed out.

“What does it say?”

“‘Contortion Ahead’.”

Villy’s eyebrow rose. “Contortion? I don’t think –” Loud banging noises and drilling grew louder, and she abruptly stopped. “Construction ahead,” she corrected.

"Oh. The sidewalk's blocked off."

Villy bit her lip. She hated approaching a surprise construction zone. It made traveling independently more challenging than normal, since she couldn’t hear the traffic flow. “Um…” She paused to think of a solution. It was loud, but sounded a bit far off, towards the end of the block.

“We can cross the street. They’re working on just this side of the sidewalk and street.”

She hated crossing the street outside a crosswalk. Crosswalks were safer, since cars had to slow down and had the chance to see that she couldn’t see them. “Okay. We can go back.”

“There’s a crosswalk in the middle of the street, so we don’t have to go all the way back.”

She wasn’t aware of this mid-street crosswalk, but led the way back, her cane sweeping and searching for the dip in the curb. Her cane hit something metal, and she reached out her hand, feeling the hard octagon. A stop sign signaling the pedestrian crossing, but the curb didn’t dip, nor did she feel the tactile ground marking. She listened for traffic, still a bit harder due to the construction noise, and took Nyris’s hand, looping the bag around her wrist.

Safely across, the seamstress let out a silent breath and turned to go back down the street. She held back a wince at the noise as they approached, but knew they weren’t walking towards the blocked-off path. They rounded the corner and she relaxed, letting go of Nyris’s hand.

“How much farther?”

“We’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“How many minutes is ‘a few’?”

“Seven.” An arbitrary number, but it satisfied her. She just hoped Nyris wasn’t keeping track of the time to a ‘T’ and wouldn’t ask why they weren’t there in seven minutes.

Their walk was quiet, and she heard Nyris jumping beside her, probably playing a game of invisible hopscotch. Suddenly, she stopped and took her arm. “There’s a crack here.”

“Sweetie, you don’t have to warn me about every little obstacle.”

She gently pulled her out of the crack’s path.

“No, Nyris.” She gently pulled her arm away and turned to her. “You’re walking with me. I’m the one leading the way.��

“But you’re –”

“The adult and the protector in charge of making the decisions. I prefer it when we walk together. I…” She took a breath. She knew Nyris knew she was more than capable of doing these types of things. All those times when she was little, and they went to the playground, or when she stayed with her in the boutique, or when they went to the ice cream parlor, Nyris would just hold her hand and follow her without question or hesitation. “I can find where things are and ways around them. I don’t need things handed to me unless I ask. And I don’t like being pulled and dragged. It’s not your responsibility to always guide me because I don't want it to be.”

“Okay,” she agreed softly. She locked her hands behind her back, hanging her head.

The dressmaker missed the subtle body language change and continued walking, feeling her stepdaughter fall in step beside her. She was able to maneuver around a bike in the middle of the sidewalk and a car parked over the curb without her stepdaughter’s assistance. “We’re almost there,” she announced to break the silence. “Has it been seven minutes yet?”

“I don’t know.” A pause and she grabbed her arm.

Villy frowned. Could she not even try to be discreet after what she just said? “Nyris –”

“There are tree branches hanging down.”

She stopped. Low-hanging tree branches were undetectable with her cane, and a danger to her getting scratched in the face. “Okay. Wait,” she quickly added when Nyris started gently pulling her. “No pulling.” If she was so insistent on doing this, she was old enough to learn to do it properly. She placed her hand on her shoulder and stepped behind her. “Let me know when we’re past it.”

Nyris looked up at her, but walked around the sharp, protruding nature. “Okay. We’re good now.”

“Thank you, Jellybean,” Villy said, stepping beside her. She took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

She hurriedly wrapped her arms around her in a tight hug. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, sweetheart.”

Once the tension of the moment released, they continued their walk. Villy checked her watch, discovering they had five minutes to get to the spa and check-in before their appointment.

“I see the spa!” Nyris smiled, bouncing as she pointed across the street.

“And we’re right on schedule,” Villy added, about to lead the way across the quiet street, but stopped short.

“We can cross now.”

“Wait, Nyris.”

“But we have the green person.”

“I know, but wait.”

“Why?” Nyris looked down the street. “I don’t see any cars coming.”

Villy squeezed her hand to hush her. Sure enough, a distant siren soon reached Nyris’s ears, and she looked up just as two police cars turned the corner and sped in front of them, bypassing the red light.

“You knew the police cars were coming?” she asked once they safely crossed the street.

“I heard the sirens getting closer, but wasn’t sure if they were turning this way.”

The path leading to the front door was cobblestone, and she felt the terrain change from the concrete. She felt for the door handle and opened the door for her daughter, following her inside.

“Welcome to The Peach Oasis Day Spa. Do you have an appointment?” the receptionist behind the counter asked.

“Yes. Moxx for four o’clock,” Villy said, walking towards the voice and stopping when her cane hit the counter.

She checked them off her list. “Wonderful. Your personal masseuses will be out when your private room’s ready.”

“We’re ready for the Moxx party now, Aysmin,” one of the young masseuses said, coming out with her co-worker.

“Yay!” Nyris clapped, her excitement bubbling over.

The masseuses introduced themselves (Uilia and Eshlin) and instructed them to follow them to the locker room to put their bags away.

“May I take your arm?” Villy asked.

“Of course.” One of the masseuses stepped forward and brushed her arm against Villy’s.

The dressmaker lightly gripped her arm right above her elbow and followed them to the locker room. “You’re Eshlin, right?”

“Yup. I’ll be your personal masseuse, and Uilia’s with your daughter.”

Once their bags were safely away, they were led to the changing room to change into fuzzy robes and soft headbands. Their private room was quiet, save for the soft trickling of water from a small fountain. The full-body massages were first, followed by the facials (Nyris couldn’t stop snacking on the cucumbers), then the mani-pedis. Villy chose lavender polish, while Nyris chose a sparkly dark blue.

After two hours of pampering, the two left feeling super relaxed and rejuvenated. Nyris stayed in step with her stepmother, letting her lead and navigate around obstacles herself. She made sure not to grab or pull, settling for occasional hand squeezes. It took the seamstress a moment to realize the hand squeezes weren’t discreet warnings, but affectionate pulses, and she squeezed back every time.

“Thank you for today, Mimsey,” Nyris smiled, snuggling closer to Villy as the bus approached their home stop. “I had lots of fun.”

“You’re welcome, Jellybean. I had lots of fun with you, too.” She rested her chin atop her head. “And I appreciate your help.”

The young girl’s smile widened and she kissed her cheek. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

#sewing it up #guiding light #stepmother #family fluff #ocs #ocfairygodmother #blind character #shopping spree #ocappreciation

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thepandemicinterviews · 4 years ago

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Lily, December 13 2020, Sydney

The Guardian recently asked their readers how they would describe 2020 in one word. The top two words were ‘shit’ and ‘fucked’. I, too, am partial to the simplicity of a swearword, as you’ll see towards the end of this interview with Lily. I noticed as well our constant usage of crazy and insane to describe anything from literature to dreams to the general feeling of this year. Much like shit or fucked: when faced with utter absurdity, it is difficult for our brains to not reach for the most compact yet forceful words to express a sense of awe (in one of my psychology classes this year, we learnt that awe is apparently a combination of fear, joy, surprise, and embarrassment). There is no value judgment here: crazy, in the sense used below, is not good or bad. There are some emotional reactions that resist language – these overused words are a placeholder for silently screaming. Anyway, let’s lean into the madness and await catharsis. It’s okay to surrender every once in a while.

Today I thought of a better word to describe 2020. Tragicomedy. Merriam-Webster defines tragicomedy as ‘a drama or a situation blending tragic and comic elements.’ Tragicomedy goes hand in hand with a sense of alienation from reality. Amidst long stretches of despair and disconnection, there has been no shortage of satirical articles to help us along. Empty laughter is still laughter. And then there are tears, the ultimate symbol of the tragic. To quote myself in the interview, there’s a lot to cry about.

I honestly feel that tragicomedy is the literary genre that most resembles real life. Or perhaps it is a lens through which to narrativise real life, one that allows for the interlacing of misery and humour. Perhaps some of us are more inclined towards drama than others.

Lily and I were Tumblr mutuals for a few months or a few years, I’m not sure, before finally meeting through real life mutual friends. I was immediately drawn to Lily’s intelligence, her love of literature and all that is slightly intangible. Her unpretentious brilliance and interest in the lives of others resounds loudly in our interview. I feel blessed, and I feel warm, to have recorded this conversation.

With the close of our-year-in-chaos, 2020, as our backdrop, Lily and I ponder dreams, crying, pleasure, and the mysterious early months of the coronavirus. For those who make it to the end of the interview: sadly we did not see any shooting stars as we got the day wrong. But that shouldn’t stop us, or you, from wishing and dreaming for a less tragic 2021.

C: Hi Lily. What’s been on your mind recently?

L: Oh man. A lot of things. Who am I? What am I? And what is this? [Laughs.] I think at the moment I’ve just been very surprised and overwhelmed by being a person. It’s been a very strange year and I’ve been reading a very strange writer in a very strange context for that writer. And I think I’ve just felt sort of strange coming out of that experience now that things are open. And it just feels very strange to be among people again, sort of, and really missing that. But also finding it all very odd. I think when you spend a lot of time, you forget what it is you are. In both a good and bad way. Do you agree Chloe?

C: Well, I’m thinking about how the person you are, or how you conceptualise who you are, when you spend a lot of time with yourself and not with other people – it can change a lot as soon as you start spending a lot of time around other people. Who you are, like what you think you are.

L: I think a lot of what has happened this year is people have spent a lot of time with themselves, and for some that has meant lots of really wonderful things like hobbies and things that they would’ve never taken up if they were living their day to day life with lots of friends and family. Loneliness can always have a very creative effect on people. But I think simultaneously now that we’re all among each other again a bit more, lots of the self-focused things that people were doing during lockdown have made them maybe slightly more intolerant to other people? That’s my experience. At least, both for myself and for others. I don’t know, it’s so strange. I used to never be bothered by other people’s daily things. It used to just not bother me, but suddenly it’s like really irritating.

C: You’re standing too close to me…

L: Exactly, you’re standing too close to me, did you just sneeze. All of these absurd reactions.

C: Literally a year ago today we would have never considered someone coughing on the train concerning.

L: No, exactly. In fact, I used to take pride in not being concerned by anything like that. I was like, the poor person is sick! Good on them for being out and about. That’s really changed. Now it’s like, oh my god, if you get me sick and then I kill someone.

C: There’s so much involved.

L: I actually had a funny experience the other day where – and this is partly why I actually felt like it was sort of fate, Chloe, that you asked to interview me at this point in the year. It’s true, because I think in the early part of the year, I don’t know, I was just – there were a lot of different experiences I was just sort of overwhelmed by. I underwent so many transformations in mood throughout this whole period. And I only think now that I’m sort of coming to a breaking point in my experience of this whole thing.

C: That’s amazing.

L: It is good! And I think yesterday, I just felt really happy. I just felt relieved somehow. I just had this sort of sense of relief in my heart that we’d come to the better side of what all of this is.

C: And the rest of the world is undergoing the worst they’ve ever seen.

L: Undergoing the worst, I know. And that’s so alienating. I think that’s actually probably been my worst and main feeling this year is just feeling sort of alienated from my own experience, from other people. Not really knowing how to talk to people in Melbourne, not really knowing how to talk to my family in the UK and in America. Because I’ve just felt like what was going on for me was just really different. It’s been that combined with I think just, in many ways, it’s just been overwhelming but sort of alienating being inside a lot for a long period of time. Or sort of the opposite of alienating such that you don’t get used to the amount of alienation. Like when you go out in the world and you are different from it, I think there’s a slight sort of alienation but in a really productive way, a way that’s really fun and enjoyable. But this year being inside a lot, you sort of lack all feelings of alienation and completely dwell in your own space, such that you go outside and you’re much more alienated because it’s no longer that nice, sort of productive space anymore. You’re not really a part of that. You feel like you are your house. Space is such a strange thing. When you move through lots of different spaces in the world, you sort of feel more like you’re simply you, in your body, as opposed to an entire space. And I think that’s a nice balance. Being able to envision yourself in different spaces and that’s not too alienating, you just feel part of it, I think. Did that make any sense or was that completely chaotic?

C: It was very chaotic, but I’m thinking about like space at a warehouse party where there’s no space and everyone’s… But there’s enough space that it’s comfortable but you know, you’re surrounded by people and that being allowed.

L: Yeah, it does weird things to people. I think I was originally going to tell a story but then that ended up breaking up into a million different thoughts.

C: Do you know what the story was?

L: Yeah, I do. It has to do with how I sort of came to a breaking point and it’s the significant thing that has happened at the end in terms of Covid this year, in terms of my life this year. Not like in itself as an event, but I felt like a sort of lead up to some event like this. Which was, a couple of days ago I had my first ballet exam. So I did that.

C: First ever?

L: First ever ballet exam. Which was really fun. It was really stressful, but it was fine.

C: Were you with other people?

L: Yeah, I was with two fourteen year olds. So I did that. I hadn’t had any breakfast because I was nervous for the exam. And then I went to the library and I had a talk at 2pm in front of the English faculty and all my Honours cohort. And it was just on something you’d learnt, so of course I hadn’t written it. I just thought, I’ve learnt so many things, I’ll be able to just come together and say something. And I ended up sort of thinking what could I use to reflect on my year. And I found some sort of quote from one of my second year essays. It wasn’t even a particularly good essay, but I was like yeah, I think that quote that I wrote about in that essay really fits this whole theme. And we’re at this talk and the first two speakers at the event were quite funny. Very well curated talks. One girl even said afterwards that she’d recorded herself speaking, which I found fascinating that she’d recorded herself. I was like, wow, these five to seven minutes were…

C: That important to her.

L: They were that important! She was going to make them good. I, on the other hand, wrote my speech in forty minutes when I hadn’t had lunch or breakfast. It was like 1:30pm. Anyway, I loved those two speakers. I still pretty much had faith in myself to speak on the spot and say something, which was maybe cocky. It was so strange when I got up and started speaking, and the first thing I said was, it’s so nice just to be here in this space among humans. I just started going on about how everyone looked so different three-dimensionally. It was so nice to hear voices, I just wanted to hear voices. That was sort of why I wanted to do this [laughs]. I just missed hearing the human voice. And I just started crying! Like, really crying. So much, at one point I was like okay, I’m just going to take a few breaths. I took a few breaths, and as I went back to talk I sort of like – you know when someone sort of cry-coughs in this weird way? And as I sort of cry-coughed trying to speak, a big bit of snot flew out of my nose, onto my hand!

C: How many people are here?

L: Like all of my English professors. The room was full with thirty-five people maybe. People who are my teachers. Everyone was there. When I saw the snot – there were no tissues, because obviously everyone’s like, no one should be sick if they’re going to be out, so we didn’t have tissues around. What they did have was a bloody Covid anti-bacterial cloth [laughs]. I sort of looked at it, went to grab it, and then was like, okay, no. That would be too much.

C: So good. A real Covid story!

L: Yeah. But I genuinely, I just kept crying, it was horrible. I completely lost the thread of what I was saying. I was like, I read Middlemarch in [so-and-so’s] class, and it was really good. And I thought that Dorothy and Will’s love was real – I just said all these ridiculous things. And I told everyone that before Honours, I used to dream about my essays, but I found instead this year it was really boring, which is probably the worst thing that I said!

C: You didn’t have any dreams about your essays?

L: I used to dream about my essays.

C: But not this year?

L: I probably have dreamt about them this year, but I’ve had fewer essays. And they’ve just been research essays, where the sensation of dreaming, it’s more like a nightmare. It’s like, oh my god, did I say that?

C: Do you dream about them after they’re written or are they like dreams that are conjuring up ideas?

L: Okay, I have to admit I still do have dreams in the nice way. But like probably two. Whereas I used to just have dreams, they used to be relaxing, that was the main thing that happened with essays.

C: What did one of the dreams look like?

L: Where you feel like you’re – I’ve always just described the sensation of just like getting deeper into something. You’re just like, yes, I’m going to get the mystery of this whole subject! I can feel the mystery in my fingers. Just this really sort of crazy sensation that makes you not want to wake up because it’s so good.

C: Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever had an essay dream. It sounds fantastic. Mine are like quite just not clear.

L: How do you feel in your dreams?

C: I feel like I’m just not really there. I don’t really have thoughts, I’m just… It’s not linked to me.

L: Yeah, they’re not linked to you. They’re not like intense.

C: They’re intense, but they’re not linked to my real life in the way that digging into your already existing essay is.

L: Right. They’re sort of glimpses of worlds. Is that how it feels? Are they like human worlds or are they like colours?

C: Oh yeah. No, I have dreams about things that are happening.

L: Not like directly happening to you.

C: It all feels a bit vague and murky. It’s not like a sharp, like, we’re writing an essay.

L: It’s funny, I mean I wouldn’t describe them as sharp because they’re still vague, but I think it’s more like a degree of intensity. Because you wake up in the morning, you don’t know what – like what can I say except that I was dreaming about the essay. Sometimes I can articulate clear ideas but they’re always just completely nonsensical if you go to say them. They just sound like very weird words. Someone’s always doing something unexpected, something that just doesn’t really fit or even necessarily reveal anything deep and meaningful. There’s this really chaotic element, and then there’s this sort of sharp sensation that it’s linked to something that is going on, maybe, with your life. And maybe that’s what – you have a dream, you don’t necessarily feel like it actually reflects anything in your real life in a clear – yeah, it’s not connected to that. It’s something else. But I think my dreams are vague. I don’t know anyone who has non-vague dreams. Can you imagine?

C: No, my friend has like really detailed and long dreams. And she can write it all out and it’s like a whole page.

L: I can write out my dreams. But they’re just crazy.

C: So you remember them?

L: I do remember them, yeah. If I write them.

C: But I wake up and I can’t remember it to the point of writing it. I can kind of feel it.

L: You feel that you had a dream.

C: I can feel it, and I maybe get little glimmers of a memory, but then it goes.

L: Yeah. I find those little hauntings so strange when you get a glimmer of a memory of a dream. It’s so crazy. I think because I dream a lot, I often have them throughout the day but I can’t remember when I dreamt that dream. But it gives everything an eerie feeling. Like what the hell. It’s like I’m living another life sort of in their dream and it’s affecting me emotionally. But just like, what’s the relationship between that dreaming world and that world that you didn’t consciously produce.

C: And for some people the lines are more blurred.

L: For sure. I think it’s always scared me, I feel for me they’re quite blurred. And I think it’s a scary sensation, you really can’t go too far with that.

C: Yeah.

L: I think honestly the thing that’s blurred the lines for me the most is literature and dreaming. I always find it really surprising that other people don’t realise how crazy literature is. It’s insane. What’s disconcerted me and what particularly disconcerted me on that day at the talk at the English department was I was like, how do people study this stuff? Like what is going on here. All of these people are dressed up like this is their job? This is the craziest thing in the world! Literature is insane! Do you guys know what you’re doing?

C: Let’s stop pretending. Stop wearing those suits.

L: Why are we pretending? I think particularly while I was crying, I was like, if you think this is crazy, have you ever read a book? You guys, you’ve all read books. This is normal, this is fine, this stuff happens. Much worse happens!

C: No, it’s the best place to do that.

L: Yes.

C: Citi did a similar thing in her acting class. She was meant to be doing some kind of role play. And then she just started laughing, and then crying, and she couldn’t stop.

L: No! Yes. Ugh. I hate that, I hate that. I mean, it’s sort of – I love criers, I love people who cry. I think crying can be incited by so many things. Crying, I think, it’s often its best and its worst at times when you’ve experienced some bit of rejection or grief. Like it doesn’t have to be a real rejection, just you perceive rejection. And if one other disappointment just really sort of crushes something of you at that moment, and it needs to be released in tears. And it can feel really good. It’s intense, though.

C: It’s intense in front of other people.

L: Yeah. Why does it feel so embarrassing? It’s all snotty.

C: Imagine if people just cried all the time around each other.

L: Some people can’t cry. My boyfriend’s like, I don’t cry, I can’t cry.

C: That’s fucked.

L: I don’t understand. I definitely cry once a week.

C: Same. There’s a lot to cry about.

L: There’s a lot to cry about. I used to have amazing crying fits before I was in a relationship. Now you can’t really have crying fits unless you’re by yourself.

C: You live with someone.

L: You live with someone and they’re like, what is wrong? And you’re like, I just need to do this.

C: It feels good.

L: Yeah, it’s hard for people to imagine. Some people just completely freak out about crying. When I came home I told my housemate what had happened, and he said, that sounds terrible, I wouldn’t have liked to be in the audience. There are just a lot of people for whom criers are just really embarrassing. And they’re just like, oh my god, I can’t believe you’re expressing emotion, I would never do that.

C: And that’s literature. It’s so tied to expressing emotion in socially not accepted ways.

L: Yes, for sure. All the different ways that people cope. Which is so strange to think. I can’t imagine being a person who doesn’t think about that all the time. How do people cope? What are they doing? There are so many ways of doing it, but you don’t know unless you talk to people or you read books, what’s going on for them. And often people don’t at least talk to each other in that sort of way. It’s more of a thing now amongst the young. But still, even though, lots of people have a lot of trouble. And you can always get better, really. It’s kind of like, I don’t really know entirely what’s going on with me obviously. No one knows for sure. Like we were talking about earlier, sort of with psychology, there’s only so much you get to know yourself without someone else.

[Both deeply sigh.]

C: Just seeing that in writing, like, both sigh deeply [laughs].

L: That was a massive sigh! I think we both needed to take a breath as well.

C: My yoga class today I found that I could breathe in time to [the instructor] a lot easier, a lot more naturally. Like my breathing improved. So that was nice.

L: That’s beautiful. The breathing is so nice, right? I used to hate breathing, but I like it now.

C: It’s a muscle that you have to train.

L: Yeah, it’s true. When it’s properly trained. I think running has really helped train my breath. I love the feeling of deepening your lungs. A sort of internal stretch.

C: Beautiful. Internal stretch. Good band name, perhaps?

L: It’s a bit scary! Chloe! This is hilarious.

* * *

L: I’ve really just missed overhearing conversations actually. That’s the one thing I wanted to tell you was that there’s something particularly beautiful about your blog to me, because the thing that I’ve missed most is not hearing other people have conversations. For almost no point as well, like a conversation that’s purely just about like, who are you, who am I, what’s going on? You know what I mean?

C: Yeah, and people have a lot to say if you ask.

L: Exactly, exactly. If you are just a bit curious.

C: Often in social settings, in a group, you don’t really get to ask about people’s thoughts and feelings.

L: Yeah, it’s true. I think often we just wait for people to come to us to say things that they want to say. There are so many things that people would just never say for that reason because they’re not going to think that you’re interested.

C: It’s amazing what a bit of interest can do to someone. That’s all like counselling. Someone actually cares.

L: Someone cares. Interest makes people interesting, usually, as well. Because they don’t just give you the sort of one word, ordinary answer where it’s just for the sake of it. If you actually seem interested, they might try to give you a real answer.

C: Ask further questions.

L: What’s the most interesting question someone has ever asked you? Or is there any question that someone has asked you and you’ve been like, wow, that was really psychic?

C: I can’t think of anything right now.

L: It’s hard to come up with on the spot.

C: Can you think of anything?

L: No, actually. But I think one thing that I’ve noticed, I used to not answer people’s questions because I thought they weren’t interesting. But then I went through this period of really liking it, and now I think this year almost I haven’t been that interested in people’s questions. Which I think is strange. It’s strange not just really really liking people’s questions. Maybe people haven’t really asked me any questions. Because I haven’t had that experience this year very much of having questions posed to me, and finding that interesting. I was noticing the other day, I was just like, what has happened? Has someone done this to me? Do I not like questions anymore? But I think that’s just, when you’re not at university and you’re not meeting people very often, people you don’t see day to day. People day to day, who live with you day to day often don’t ask you big questions. They’ll ask you little questions and because they observe you every day, they don’t necessarily realise that there might be all kinds of things going on inside of you unless you express that.

* * *

L: Pleasure is a very good thing. I don’t like it as much as I used to though. I don’t know, in some ways I like it more.

C: What kinds of pleasure? Just like pleasure in its purest form?

L: Yeah, enjoying food, sex, music. Very sort of sensory excitement. Genuine pleasure.

C: Those are the three pleasures! Food, sex, music.

L: There are other pleasures, but… Reading novels is a different sensation, it’s not quite as immediate. You have to build a sort of story. And of course, we can feel ourselves as part of stories as well and that can be very pleasurable sometimes. It’s like, I’m this sort of person, I have this sort of trace, these are my people. That stuff can be really meaningful even if not sort of directly pleasurable in the same way. I think that’s the really nice thing about direct pleasure, it takes you away from that more satisfying pleasure, like you’re on the sort of story narrative. People need a break from that, because often people don’t feel like they’re in a very good story.

C: I have just over – I don’t know, maybe it’s not over, like maybe it’s just normal and good – I just always create these narratives for what’s going to happen, what that means, and it never works that way. So I should stop narrativising but, you know, it’s instinctual.

L: It’s so instinctual. But the horrible thing about it I find is that it’s not just sort of narrativising what has happened, it is narrativising what’s going to happen in the future. When it comes to the future, it’s terrible because you just have so little control over it. So basically whatever you imagine is just not going to happen. Unlike with the past where it’s already happened.

C: Exactly. Sometimes I’m like, if I’m imagining this, it won’t happen. The chances are.

L: It’s true.

C: I just had a bit of a rollercoaster and I’ve come to the point where I’m like relationships don’t happen. Like it’s impossible. I’m not going to try to date anymore because it’s just futile.

L: Dating is one of the hardest things to try to plot and plan. Like you can meet people, but I think the worst thing is that a lot of people who are looking to meet people are a little bit – like they’re looking to meet lots of people, or they’re not necessarily looking to have a proper relationship. And if they are, often that doesn’t work out either because two people who are just looking to have a relationship aren’t going to work out.

C: Yeah, it takes away the spontaneity.

L: Yeah, not just the spontaneity but sometimes then you are with someone who you don’t want to be with. So how’s it going to last? Whereas, if you’re sort of compelled to be together…

* * *

L: Wow. I can’t believe we’re coming to the end of this sort of historical event, this year, 2020. Though it’s so weird it was called Covid-19. That always screwed me. It made no sense.

C: It’s because it existed in December 2019.

L: I know.

C: But no one knew. It’s crazy, have you gone back to any old news articles about it? You should.

L: I have something to confess, which is I was obsessed with the news story so early on, when there were like twenty cases.

C: No, me too! Like it all hit one day, when I was reading all these New York Times briefings on the plane. I was like, whoa, it’s spreading. But it was still such low numbers in those days. We had no idea.

L: I was reading about it before they knew that it was contagious. Like far before they knew that. Where they thought people only got it directly from an animal – there was that whole story. And the reason why I was so obsessed with it is because I was convinced that – well, I was very very unwell at that time and I thought I had Covid. In a way that made no sense whatsoever, made everyone think that I was crazy. Actually used all my data while I was travelling on reading about the twenty cases in the entire world! And I was just like, I am dying! The story gets me! We’re all going to die! Sam was just like, this makes no sense. You’re completely insane. It’s so weird. I still find that so strange. I was convinced when it was completely crazy. It’s because I was extremely unwell and probably did have Covid.

C: Do you think?

L: Yeah, well they know now through the poop samples that people in Italy had it in December as well.

C: Really?

L: I was there all through January, in all the busy museums, and I got this very very strange sickness where I just started with a cough and a fever, and it was a really really awful cough. Like I coughed blood, I was really really unwell. And I’d never been sick in that particular way with a cough and a fever. And like a horrible cough. I felt like I was going to die, like my lungs were going to collapse or something. I was so confused. That’s why I was so obsessed with the story, it just seemed really dramatic.

C: That sounds like you had it!

L: And Sam had the same thing, it was really weird. We had the same identical coughing and fever.

C: Okay, you definitely had Covid then.

L: Yeah, I think it probably was Covid! But it was unthinkable!

C: Yeah, you’re perfect for this interview. This is great content.

L: I’ve definitely told so many people that story this year because it’s just so dramatic. But when I came back in February, people were still like, it’s just a media… Like it’s not here at all.

C: Yeah, respectable people. It was like, it’s anti-China.

L: Which was a reasonable sort of thing to think. You know what I mean.

C: Yeah, because they were blocking international students. Like that was a trigger.

L: Yeah, and of course there’s been a lot of Australia-China stuff for a long time, so it makes sense.

C: And now the fact of anyone coming into the country without being in hotel quarantine is unthinkable.

L: Is unthinkable, yeah.

C: Crazy how we’ve just switched.

L: We’ve just completely adapted. Now like, yep, this is the way it is. Hard to even imagine post-pandemic life. Where we don’t have to wash our hands, or sign in to a restaurant, get a Covid test if we get a cold.

C: I haven’t been tested. I haven’t had a cold.

L: I haven’t been sick basically at all this year, except for last weekend, where I had a day where I sort of sneezed twice. I felt kind of unwell, I had a bit of a fever. Well, I felt I did and a sore throat. But it just sort of cleared away the next day. Sam was really unwell, so I thought I had got his – Sam was like, he’s been coughing and…

C: Did he get tested?

L: He’s been tested like a million times. He’s been sick a lot this year which is hilarious, because I haven’t been sick at all and I always get sick. But for some reason he’s gotten sick heaps this year. It’s sort of completely reversed. But I think actually, he said that in previous years he would never sort of give himself the permission to be sick because he would just keep wanting to go on and do stuff. But now because you can’t do that, because you’re like, well you might kill someone if you…

C: Yeah, it’s so extreme.

L: It’s so extreme. So when he’s felt sick, he’s been like, okay, I’m sick. And I think he’s actually been sick in this sort of – it’s very very odd.

C: Like he’s willed it onto himself.

L: Well, he’s just like, well now it’s okay. I’m going to say I’m sick right now. I’m just going to be sick. Whereas previously he’d almost pretend like he wasn’t, because he would prefer to keep living his life as normal. You can’t just keep living your life as normal if you’re sick anymore.

C: It’s rough.

L: I forgot what the question was.

C: There was no question. I don’t feel like I’ve asked any questions except for the first one. And that’s all we need! It was the perfect opener. Maybe I’ll do one last question. What kind of writing or any kind of art do you think will come out of, or be used in future works…?

L: About this period?

C: How do you think it’ll affect the literary landscape or film landscape?

L: Yeah. It’s a very very good question. I think a lot of things could happen. Because this year has pushed so many people to spend so much time with people they wouldn’t usually spend so much time with. As well as taking them away from other people. And force them to interact in entirely different ways. So I think there’s going to be a lot in terms of the sorts of relationships people have during Covid. I think the whole experience of people starting to date someone at the beginning of Covid, Covid happened, then they basically moved in with each other and got married. That is so weird! I think people are going to be writing about that sort of experience for a long time, because I think that would be so bizarre emotionally.

C: It’s like the first ever universal experience that we, in our generation, have experienced.

L: It really is. And I think that’s why in the beginning I was almost slightly excited. Like I remember looking on people’s Facebooks and being like, wow, I’m bonding with everyone!

C: Yeah, absolutely! But now it’s split off in so many…

L: Yeah! I think what’s so strange is that we had that experience, and for that reason at the beginning of the pandemic I was like, maybe people will become closer to one another, and be more reflective. I don’t know, like they’ll feel closer to each other. But I think actually it’s come out the other end and there’s a lot of alienation. And yeah, I think for that reason, there’s probably going to be lots of weird art about that as well.

C: Covid and conspiracy theories and Trump, all in the same very concentrated time. It’s like they all bounce off each other to create awfulness.

L: Under these sorts of circumstances, you can see why people would believe all sorts of insane things. It’s been an insane year. And I think a lot of the problems that we had before in terms of people being isolated, and they’re in their own sort of groups, whether they be good or completely awful. Just becoming completely radicalised. That has all been pushed to a much greater extreme than we could’ve foreseen. It was something that was happening much more gradually. I’m very very interested, and I kind of hope that we’ve reached a crisis point, and that this year leads to things getting better not worse. Like it hasn’t sort of just pushed the worst along. That’s the thing I hope the most for.

C: Well, definitely looks like some things have happened. Like Trump is no longer going to be president. Huge. Also, other thing that comes to mind is that Medicare-funded psychology sessions is up to 20. So maybe there’ll be more good things.

L: There will, yeah. Lots of things have shifted. Lots of people have gotten things that they wouldn’t have had otherwise this year. And I think myself included, I don’t think I would’ve learnt Italian this year without having a lot of money from the government.

C: And time.

L: And time! And I wouldn’t have felt as bored so as to be compelled to do it.

C: And now you’re going to be studying Italian!

L: Now I’m studying Italian next year! And I love languages! Lots of people have gotten weird good things out of this year. You can’t plan, you don’t know what’s going to happen. Sometimes I think – at least there was a point in the year where I really felt this – that Covid was just mixing everything up. Like it was just mixing everyone’s life up. And that mixing could be really good. It has been, for many people, as well as bad. It’s hard to know what to focus on sometimes.

C: And ultimately it is just completely out of your control. Like there’s no personal agency, really. That’s the messaging, but it depends so much on like actually having these laws enforced. Because in America, they don’t. So it’s on them to be really judgey about like mask-wearing, which is good, but it shouldn’t be on the individual.

L: No, it just creates a horrible culture as well amongst people. I think when you perceive other people to be in control, they just start becoming enemies, or you feel this really intense moralising impulse, which you don’t feel when you’re part of a community where it’s organised around being good.

C: Yeah, has leadership.

L: Yeah.

[Both deeply sigh again.]

C: Any last words?

L: Any last words. What are you thinking? You started this by asking me what I’m thinking.

C: I’m thinking how nice it is to be able to talk about it all. People don’t talk about things enough.

L: I agree.

C: 2020’s just been the most insane year, and we’re just like completely desensitised. But like, shit’s fucked. Shit’s fucked in the US. People are crazy. Like 50% of the population is fucked.

L: It’s completely awful.

C: Is that a good note to end on? Probably not.

L: I really don’t believe that that’s a good note to end on! [Laughs]. I don’t know, I was thinking before Covid, I think I was really focused on people suffering actually. But I think since Covid, I’ve just retreated into myself a bit. And I’ve avoided, because I’ve just gotten so tired of hearing about more numbers. I’m just really fatigued and I kind of just want to pretend like it��s not happening. Which doesn’t feel good, it actually feels horrible to be disconnected like that.

C: Just like imagine being the leader of a country that has 300,000 Covid deaths and like not caring at all. Like it’s fucked. Imagine 50% of the population feeling the same way.

L: No, it’s very much a sign that people are just not connected to reality. Not to other people’s emotional realities. People have started just seeming like objects, like they’re playing out in some world. But I think every single human being is unimaginably special, which sounds really – I hope it’s not too kooky of an idea. But yeah, people are just really special, and impossible to describe. It’s so weird but I think that a lot of what has gone on in people minds is that people have just started to seem replaceable or just sort of like shells of themselves, like characters rather than actually a living person who wants things for themselves, and things for others, and has all of this stuff going on.

[Long pause.]

L: There’s no way to end this is there?

C: So… do you have hope for the world?

L: Well, I don’t know, do I? I’m not a pessimist. I just feel very confused now though. I really don’t know. I’ve come out of this year very confused about what’s good and bad. I think this year has raised a lot of questions like that because we’ve had that thing where we’ve had our government be much more controlling, and that’s happened all around the world. Is that good? It has been good? Because we’ve seen what happens when you don’t do that. That’s also a very strange experience, which I have mixed feelings about.

C: We’ve had it really easy in Sydney though.

L: It’s true, we haven’t had to be controlled very much at all.

C: But for a few weeks there it was like, can I sit on this park bench?

L: You couldn’t.

C: It was crazy.

L: I remember that. Or when someone got fined for sitting down to eat their kebab.

C: Yeah, that’s so ridiculous.

L: You couldn’t go out with more than one person from your household.

C: Well, I was still working a little bit, so I still got the train and served people in the shop. So I feel like I didn’t really have a full lockdown experience.

L: It’s so weird that so many shops were open.

C: Yeah, we never had shops shut here. In New Zealand, they did the full like four weeks, no shops, no takeaway, just cook at home, go to the supermarket, that’s all you do. Four weeks.

L: That is crazy to think of. No, things have pretty much carried out as normal here in comparison. It’s just been an atmosphere among people. Like we’ve been allowed to do lots of things but there are places where you can’t sit near people. There’s a lot of cleaning happening.

C: It is pretty chill now compared to a few months ago. It’s all dependent on the contact tracing. You know, how interesting it is to think about all the maths behind it and tracking down this invisible thing that’s been passed around.

L: Yeah, it’s incredible. The sky looks like a sunset almost, it’s so bright.

C: Yeah, it’s strange.

L: On Thursday night, there’s going to be forty shooting stars per hour apparently.

C: When?

L: Thursday night between 2am and sunrise.

C: Oh wow. Are you going to be up for it?

L: I think I will. It’s the day before my thesis is due. So I think I’ll probably be up anyway.

C: Okay. I have work the next day but do you think I could see it from here?

L: Apparently you can see it all over Australia.

C: I don’t know if I can usually see stars from here though. I don’t think I can. Maybe in the backyard, a little bit. I’ll try and remember. We can text each other.

L: I really want to stay up for that. We’ll see some of it. I’ve never seen a shooting star.

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dreamingbrownie · 6 years ago

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Tagging games #5

I’ve been tagged by @fandom-glazed and wanted to do this anyway, so here we go! Tagging anyone who wants to do this ^__^ 1. what’s your favorite way to dress? Black all the way. I’m a fancy goth on the inside and trying (but most likely failing) on the outside. 2. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? Not to be so voulnerable to the people that mean a lot to me would be nice. Not getting attached so fucking fast. 3. What movie/game/etc. helps you calm down? I tend to love movies reducing me to a sobbing mess, so that doesn’t count as calming me down, does it? As for a series, I’m all for Merlin BBC at the moment which I watch unfrequently with @fandom-glazed on Netflix and usually laugh my ass off at Arthur and Merlin’s antics. :D 4. What does your room smell like? Dust, nailpolish, some tea and the slightly burnt smell of my old heaters. 5. Do you like to organize? Hell fucking no. I’m an ADD person, nope, I don’t. 6. What kind of music would you listen to if you could only choose one? German rock / gothic rock. Unheilig, Staubkind, Blutengel, Lord of the Lost, Letzte Instanz, that kind of thing. Not that either of those bands would ring a bell with most of tumblr users, I assume. 7. What song is your aesthetic? Oh man, making me choose there is mean. Ghost Love Score by Nightwish, Stand my ground by Within Temptation, Morgana by Lord of the Lost. Hard and heavy. 8. What color do you think goes best with your personality? Crimson like my hair right now, probably. 9. Do you believe in auras? Nope. 10. What do you wish you hated, but actually like? Ballet. To wish for having been introduced to how to ruin your body in the most beautiful way as a child is kind of unhealthy. 11. Vague about your crush(es) Valentin Winter / van Porcelain. That man. Go to his tumblr @valentinvanporcelaine and dare ask me again why I’m addicted to his aesthetics. 12. Is there someone you have mixed feelings towards? Yep. Not talking about specific people in my personal life here tho. 13. Talk about an AU or story you came up with Oh boy, here we go. If you get me started on my vampire novels, we’ll be here all day and I won’t even be half way finished. I adore my own characters to a decree that might be weird, I ship some of them and the main gay pair Count Louis and his life long best friend and personal vassal Chris, later Knight of Alderton, to death and writing anything with those two idiots in love soothes me so much. The main trilogy (A shimmer of Red, Black and Silver respectively) is huge (as in 200k for the first, 140k for the second and 110k as of yet for the unfinished third) but not finished yet, I’m almost there and would have been a year ago if I’d just get my arse out of the Fantastic Beasts Fandom and saunter off to writing my own stuff again. Unfortunately, Albus and Gellert own my ass at the moment and I’m overflowing with plotbunnies that won’t go away on their own. I know my mind. I need to write them all down before I get any peace at all. Lol. 14. Do you like makeup? No, not really, I like sharp-winged-eyeliner though. 15. Do you prefer space or the ocean? Ocean all the way. Space is fascinating and I’m a massive nerd for SpaceX because their projects are so promising for the future of mankind, but standing at the shore, being able to breathe properly again (asthma kid here, hi) and cry from sheer relief of hearing the waves crash against the cliff or roll onto the beach again is my life blood. I’ll have that next week again. Fucking finally. The sea soothes me so, so much and I suffer from constant longing for distance. We have a very fitting word for the feeling in German. Fernweh. Roughly translated to “I want to get far away from here so much it hurts.” Yeah, that’s the German language right there for you. 16. If you could pick any planet besides earth, where would you live? Pandora, probably. You know, three meters tall blue humanoids, a captivating nature, trees large enough to be a bother for the planet’s rotation, probably? Yeah. I’d like that very much. 17. What form of government do you like the most? (capitalism, socialism, etc.) I’m quite content with the German system of Social economy. Pure capitalism, socialism and communism are shit, don’t work in the long run and should just be abolished altogether. 18. What animal would you keep as a pet, if you could? Give me a black cat, please 19. What do you think our purpose is in the universe? To find our place between the stars, become a multi planetary species and to develop a way that’s not as destructive to the planet we inhabit. There’s a beautiful sentence that sums it all up in Interstellar from Cooper: “We might have been born on earth, but we don’t have to die here.” 20. Do you believe in god(s)? Nope. Atheist all the way. Before anyone misunderstands me, though: believe whatever you want to, I don’t judge people for their religion, it’s just so not my tea. 21. Is there a song you can’t handle listening to, even though you like it? Yep. Chasing cars by Snow Patrol. 22. What ex do you miss the most, if you have one? Mean question. I only have an ex-girlfriend and sometimes I miss her gentleness and how instantly she saw right through me, but she replaced me, we’ve been done for a bit more than five years now and I’m over her. :) 23. Do you like soft, fluffy blankets or rough/smooth blankets? Soft, fluffy blankets all the way. 24. What is your favorite thing to learn about? History. What do you think I’d study that for? :D 25. What country’s history do you find the most interesting? Man, that’s a mean one again. I’m pretty solid on English history, but I don’t know the first thing about Asian history altogether because german schools don’t teach that and we’ve got a different subject for Asian culture in university so it’s not included in my must-do-schedule too, but I’d like to learn more about it soon. 26. What do you think about genderbent ____ (insert someone here) Nope, noping right out, nopedinopenope, not my tea. At all. 27. What breakup was the hardest, if you had one? The one I had was... bad. Not talking about that here any further tho. 28. Do you have someone where you can’t decide if you like them romantically or just as a friend? A couple of weeks ago, my answer would have been yes, but I’ve got that all sorted out now. Not dwelling on it, though. It doesn’t matter. 29. What do you think about tumblr discourse? Ughhh. Exhausting most of the time. I loved the metas in the Sherlock fandom before it all fell apart and I like Fantastic Beasts metas, but people get so emotional so fast that normal discussions are all but impossible here. 30. What instrument do you wish you could master? Piano. Still salty that I’ve been forced to stop that as a child. 31. How easy is it for you to be honest? Very. I’m a very honest person and I’m shite at lying. 32. Do you have any strange interests? Fandoms, probably? xD I find fossils infinetely fascinating, anything conserning dragons (that sounds strange in context, I’m well aware that they don’t exist) and the way stars are born in large nebulas is something poetic to me. 33. Do you have any strange fears? Strange? I dunno, I’ve just about ran out of the kitched screaming at the top of my lungs when a fucking spider dropped ON MY HEAD yesterday evening, you tell me if that’s strange. Drowning would suck a lot, I guess. Anything that makes you suffocate. Nope. 34. What food do you binge on when you’re lazy? Toast with something on it. I did that in exam week last week, not because I’m lazy but because I just did not have the time or the nerves for cooking. 35. When you get angry, how do you show it? I go all quiet and drill my posture to absolute perfection until it hurts. You’ll notice when I’m mad. Seldom happens, though, I’m hard to offend. 36. Do you have any impulsive movements? (twitches, ticks, flapping, etc.) Picking fingers. Bad habit that I’m trying to get rid of. 37. What do you listen to music on? YouTube and Spotify on the PC, used my phone a massive lot for that during the summer too but now with all the layers of jackets and coats and such it’s a bit hard to stuff my large phone anywhere. 38. Are you left brained or right brained? Uhhhh what? I’m right handed, but I don’t think I have any tendencies otherwise. 39. Earbuds or headphones? Earbuds. 40. Do you like light blankets or heavy blankets? Light blankets for around the flat, heavy in bed. I’d like to be able to breathe.

#tagging games #tagging games part five #not hp

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unfolded73 · 7 years ago

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This Graceful Path (1/19)

Summary: Emma has just moved in with Mary Margaret and started working as a deputy in the Storybrooke sheriff's department when she meets Killian Jones, the town's introverted harbormaster. When a prominent Storybrooke resident is found murdered, Emma tries to juggle solving the case with new friendships, parenthood, and romance. A Season 1 Cursed!Killian AU.

Rating: Explicit per CSBB guidelines (violence, sex). If you are someone who uses my usual distinction between M and E to decide whether to read something I wrote, this is more of an M on unfolded73's scale. The sex, when we get there, is not extremely graphic in nature. Same with the violence.

Content Warning: This fic contains two major character deaths, one of which is S1 canon and one of which is not but happens early in the story.

Total word count: ~ 75,000

Acknowledgements: Thank you to @j-philly-b for betaing this monstrosity. Thank you to @caprelloidea for all of the read-throughs and cheerleading; not sure I could have written it without your excitement early on. Thank you to @teruel-a-witch for the original prompt on tumblr which sparked this fic. Thank you to @pompeiiablaze for the wonderful art which will accompany later chapters. Thanks to the CSBB mods ( @sambethe in particular, who had to look at my check-ins) for your support and for enduring my neuroses.

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 -- AO3 Link

Chapter 1

Emma Swan awoke, and for a moment was disoriented, confused as to where she was sleeping. She blinked up at the whitewashed ceiling, the boards rising in a slant above her head, and remembered: she was someone’s roommate now. Mary Margaret Blanchard’s roommate, to be precise, the kind school teacher who had offered her the spare room in her loft apartment.

The sound of a pan clanging on the stove top below reaching her ears, Emma sat up, her sleep-tangled blonde hair falling in her face. Spare “room” was a bit of a misnomer, actually; spare upstairs landing was more like it. While her bed was far enough against the outside wall to not be visible to anyone downstairs, she really only had to stand up and shuffle forward a few steps in order to survey the whole of the apartment from over the railing that divided her sleeping area from the wide open space of the loft.

She’d been here for three days now, and Mary Margaret was the definition of a kind and accommodating roommate. It was a little bit creepy how kind and accommodating she was, to be honest. Glancing at the clock, Emma groaned at the fact that it was only 6:45, and she flopped back down on the bed, squeezing her eyes shut.

First day at your new job, she remembered, grimacing. She’d said yes to the deputy sheriff job on a whim, figuring why the hell not, but her thoughts and dreams during a restless night of sleep had done a fantastic job demonstrating to her exactly why the hell not. Being a bail bondsperson was not the same thing as being a law enforcement professional. Sure, Storybrooke was a small town, where the most she would probably have to deal with was teenagers loitering or that Leroy guy getting into trouble down at the local bar, but on the other hand, Storybrooke was weird. And sure, Sheriff Graham Humbert was a nice guy and easy on the eyes, but working for the sheriff’s department meant working for Regina Mills. That was bound to be trouble.

Realizing there was little chance of falling back to sleep, Emma threw the covers back and made her way downstairs.

The metal steps that led down to the main part of the loft were icy under her bare feet, and Emma shivered as she descended, the air cooler down here than it had been up in her bedroom. She rubbed her arms, glancing down at her tank top and her one threadbare pair of yoga pants that doubled as pajamas. Once she got a paycheck, she’d have to see about getting some more pajamas. And some more of everything else, probably.

“Good morning!” Mary Margaret called from the kitchen, her face bright and shining. “Do you want some eggs?”

“Don’t go to any trouble,” Emma said.

“It’s no trouble.”

“I’m actually not usually hungry when I first wake up,” Emma explained, sitting in one of the two mismatched barstools that faced the kitchen. Much of the apartment’s furnishings seemed to have been cobbled together from yard sales and secondhand shops, which was an aesthetic Emma could respect.

She watched Mary Margaret’s hands work as she cracked an egg into a bowl and whisked it. Everything about Mary Margaret was perfectly put together, even at this hour of the morning, from her adorable pixie haircut to her neatly pressed dress to the ballet flats on her feet. Mary Margaret was, she had to admit, the kind of person that Emma would have taken an instant dislike to in another context. The fact that she didn’t find her ray of sunshine roommate to be annoying was… actually quite puzzling, now that she thought about it.

“Did you get all two of your boxes unpacked?” Mary Margaret asked with a smirk. Emma’s boxes of meager possessions had arrived from Boston yesterday, thanks to the superintendent of her building there and the crush he had on her. It had been a pre-furnished apartment, rented on a whim fairly recently, and most of her paycheck had gone to the rent without much left over for buying stuff to fill it. So other than a few clothes and a box of mementos, there was little Emma owned.

“I did,” Emma confirmed. “And hey, thanks again for—”

“You can stop thanking me, Emma, it’s nice having you here. It was a bit lonely, living here by myself.” Mary Margaret turned and poured her egg into the waiting pan. ��I'm not sure I'm suited for it… living alone. It’s always felt wrong.”

“Not for me. After all the group homes I lived in, living alone was a dream come true. Not that I don't like it here, I do,” Emma added hastily.

Mary Margaret put her scrambled eggs on a plate as the toaster popped with two perfectly toasted pieces of bread. When she offered Emma one of them, despite her earlier refusal, she took it. Looking at Mary Margaret’s breakfast was making her a little bit hungry after all. “Is what Henry said true?” Mary Margaret asked. “That you were left by the side of the road as a baby?”

“Yep, and I’ve seen the newspaper clippings to prove it,” Emma replied, trying her best to sound fine with it. “A kid found me and took me to a nearby diner before I froze to death or, you know, starved or whatever. They couldn’t identify who my parents were, and I ended up in the foster system.”

“And you weren’t ever adopted?”

“Nope.” Emma took a bite of her toast. “It was foster family to group home to foster family. I bounced around a lot.”

“Well, you turned out fine.”

Emma snorted. “I guess, if you consider getting pregnant at seventeen ‘fine’. And… other stuff. Look, let’s just say my teen years were complicated and leave it at that.”

“Fair enough.” Mary Margaret gave Emma an encouraging smile. “I’m glad you’re here. I think it will be wonderful for Henry to get to know you. And I’m looking forward to getting to know you too. I don’t really have many friends.”

Recoiling internally, Emma stood up. “You know what, I’d better get ready for my first day at work.” If Mary Margaret was looking for a friend who knew how to do typical girl stuff, like talk about hair and clothes and boys, then she was going to be sorely disappointed. Emma didn’t really know how to be anyone’s friend.

“Sheriff’s deputy, it’s so exciting!” Mary Margaret enthused. “I’m sure you’re gonna do great.”

Emma wasn’t so sure, but she made some kind of noncommittal noise of agreement. She excused herself to the bathroom to take a shower, steeling herself for her morning fight with the finicky hot water. The loft’s lone bathroom contained an old-fashioned claw foot tub which had been retrofitted with a shower head and a flimsy frame for a shower curtain. Emma had learned on her first morning in the apartment that the difference between icy cold water and water hot enough to burn the skin off her bones was a scant millimeter adjustment of the knob. “You’ll get used to it,” Mary Margaret had assured her.

Although the sheriff’s station was a reasonable walk from their apartment, when Emma left, she got behind the wheel of her yellow VW Bug, deciding to drive so as not to be late. She passed a total of three cars between her apartment and her work. Say what you will about Storybrooke, she thought, the lack of traffic was definitely a selling point. As she pulled into a parking space in front of the station, she marveled once again that she was now going to be working for the sheriff who had arrested her, not once but twice, on trumped up charges.

Graham Humbert came out of his glass-walled office to greet her as soon as she entered the empty station. As always, his brown hair was artfully tousled and his scruffy beard was neatly trimmed, and Emma wondered how long he spent each morning perfecting his intentionally neglectful look.

“Emma! Welcome to your first day,” he said. He seemed lighter, happier than usual, as evidenced by the smile he gave her. “I don’t have your uniform or badge sorted out yet, but I figured today you could familiarize yourself with the station and we can start to talk about what your responsibilities will be.” He hooked his thumb into one of belt loops, drawing Emma’s attention down to where his shirt peeked out underneath the hem of his vest.

“After being arrested twice, I’m familiar with the place,” she muttered.

“Ah yes, but to do you know exactly where to kick the copy machine to get it to work, or how to get the coffee machine to brew a pot of coffee without electrocuting you?”

“Are you sure you can afford to pay me a salary?”

Graham chuckled. “Yes, you’ll get your paycheck, don’t worry.”

He spent the next half hour showing her around, teaching her the phone system and explaining generally what a typical day in Storybrooke was like. Which, honestly, sounded so boring that she was a little confused why he even needed a deputy. It sounded like she was going to be spending her days mediating disputes about dogs pooping in neighbors’ yards and stolen recycling bins, with maybe a drunk and disorderly thrown in for flavor once in awhile. Still, a job was a job, especially if she wanted to stay in town and be a part of Henry’s life.

The sheriff’s station itself was a mystery. Everything she could see from her desk — the phones, the computers, the little television with a VHS player up against the far wall — everything looked like it was from another time. Was it Regina’s iron grip on the budget that meant nothing had been replaced in twenty years? Or was Graham indifferent?

“So…” she said as she swiveled back and forth in her desk chair, “you aren’t exactly what I imagine when I think of a small town sheriff.”

“Oh no?” Graham raised his eyebrows. “What do you imagine?”

“You know, older guy, big doughnut belly, not quite so stylishly dressed?” She continued to pivot back and forth, slumping down and giving Graham a once-over. “How did you end up getting this gig, anyway?”

“Mayor Mills just saw something in me, I guess,” he answered, breaking eye contact with her and looking into the middle distance.

Emma paused, waiting for him to say more. When he didn’t, she decided to change the subject. “Speaking of Regina, have you told her you hired me yet?”

Graham glanced down, clearly chastened. “I’ve got a meeting with her tomorrow; I’ll let her know then.”

“Oh boy. Have fun with that.”

“I’ll take care of it, Emma; don’t worry.”

“If you say so.” She leaned forward, taking one of the pencils out of the cup on her desk and tapping it absently against the blotter. “So has anything really bad ever happened here?”

“Like what?”

Emma shrugged. “I don’t know, like a bank robbery or a murder.”

“A murder?” Graham laughed. “No, Emma, there has never been a murder in Storybrooke,” he said with a slightly patronizing tone.

“Hey, weird stuff can go down in small towns like this. Haven’t you ever read a Stephen King book?”

“Can’t say as I have.”

“Well, you should; they’re pretty good if you like horror.” Graham looked at her blankly. While he was clearly capable of carrying on a conversation with her like a normal person, sometimes he behaved so oddly that she didn’t know what to think of him. “Any other characters like Leroy I need to be aware of? People who get in trouble with the law often?”

“Other than yourself?”

“Very funny,” Emma said, returning his smirk with one of her own.

“I think the best thing you can do, Emma, is spend some time out and about in Storybrooke. Walk the streets, go in the shops and introduce yourself, eat at Granny’s. The sooner you make yourself a part of the town, the sooner the town will come to trust you.”

~*~

Graham’s instructions in mind, when it was time for her afternoon break Emma decided to wander over toward Granny’s diner in search of caffeine, shuffling through the autumn leaves that had fallen and collected on the sidewalks and in the gutters. School appeared to be letting out at the same time, and Emma spotted Henry, a little brown-haired boy in a cluster of children in identical school uniforms, at the same time that he saw her. With a big grin breaking out over his face, he ran over to her.

“Cool, are we getting cocoa? Can I have some?” he asked without preamble as she pushed open the door of the diner. Henry followed her in. The collar of his polo shirt was askew and his sweater was dirty, and Emma resisted the urge to reach out and comb the tangles out of his hair with her fingers.

Granny’s was another example of the time-warpy nature of Storybrooke. The waitresses wore costumes that wouldn’t have looked out of place coupled with a pair of roller skates, and even the prices were out of another era. Sure, the cost of living in small-town Maine was lower than in Boston, but this was ridiculous (not that Emma was complaining). The decor was exactly what you would picture if asked to imagine a diner, with the possible exception of the forest-covered wallpaper. The strange wallpaper looked more like an illustration from Henry’s storybook than the kind of thing you’d typically see on the walls of an eating establishment.

“Aren’t you supposed to go straight home after school?” she asked, although she was happy for any opportunity to see Henry. “Regina won’t be happy.”

He shrugged. “Mom won’t be home for at least another hour. I can hang out.” He sat down in one of the booths and looked up at her expectantly until Emma sighed and sat down across from him.

“I’m only on a short break, then I need to get back to the sheriff’s station.”

“You being a deputy is so awesome. And you’re weakening the curse; I can tell.”

Emma suppressed a groan. “How can you tell?”

He ignored her question, because he was already on to something else, and he started ticking things off on his fingers. “So we’ve got Snow White and Prince Charming, I’ve figured out who most of the dwarves are—”

“There are dwarves in Storybrooke now?”

“Well, they don’t look like dwarves,” Henry said.

“No, of course not, that would be ridiculous.”

“They look like regular people, although I think they’re all on the short side. Anyway, Snow White, Prince Charming, dwarves, the Evil Queen, Cinderella, Jiminy Cricket, Geppetto, Red Riding Hood—”

“Who’s Red Riding Hood?”

Henry rolled his eyes and then indicated with a jerk of his head toward the lunch counter. “Ruby,” he said as if it was obvious.

“Right.” She sighed. “Look, Henry, maybe we should talk about something else, like… what did you do at school today?” That was good, she thought. That was the kind of question a parent would ask.

“Nah, nothing interesting happened at school.”

Ruby came over to their booth, and Emma ordered a cocoa for Henry and a coffee to go for herself. Taking in Ruby’s short shorts, she figured the waitress wouldn’t be caught dead in a shapeless red cloak that would cover up her body.

“So if I ask Mary Margaret tonight at home,” Emma continued when Ruby left, “she’ll agree that nothing interesting happened at school?”

Henry released a heavy, put-upon sigh. “I mean we learned stuff, but none of it is as important as Operation Cobra.”

“How about this,” Emma said. “Tell me three things that you did at school today.”

“Okay.” Henry thought about it. “We had a spelling test.”

“How did you do?”

“I aced it,” he said. “Second thing: we worked on fractions in math.”

Emma restrained herself from making a face at the idea of working on fractions. “And a third thing?”

“There was pizza for lunch in the cafeteria, but my mom packs my lunch, so I couldn’t eat it.”

She had to admit, that did all sound pretty dismal compared to the excitement of Operation Cobra. No wonder Henry was retreating into his fairy tale imaginings. School was boring, he seemed to have no friends, and he didn’t get to eat pizza. It wasn’t a surprise the kid had problems.

Ruby dropped off their drinks, giving Henry a kind smile before she left them.

“Look, Henry, maybe there’s something the two of us could do together this weekend if Regina would allow it. Not Operation Cobra,” she said when she saw him starting to suggest it. “Some kind of normal kid thing, like… tossing a football in the park, or, I don’t know. A bike ride.”

“I don’t do either of those things,” Henry said, regarding her with suspicion before taking a drink of his cocoa, getting whipped cream on his nose in the process. Emma pulled a napkin from the dispenser and reached over to wipe it off.

“Okay, well, I don’t know. You suggest something.”

His face lit up. “I was thinking maybe we could do some surveillance on my mom. You work for the sheriff’s department now, you must have access to—”

“We are absolutely not doing that, Henry.”

“You’re no fun.”

“Fine, I’m no fun. But let’s try to figure something out that we can do that does not involve spying or fairy tale characters,” she said helplessly.

“Everything in Storybrooke involves fairy tale characters,” he said with an eye roll.

“What about TV?” Emma asked. “Tell me what you like to watch on TV.”

“Mom doesn’t let me watch it on school nights,” he said glumly.

“That’s probably a good policy,” she said, trying to give Regina the benefit of the doubt, at least in this one area.

“I do like Star Wars,” Henry volunteered after a big gulp of cocoa.

“Me too.” Emma grinned at him. “I used to pretend I was Princess Leia, except my version of Princess Leia swung a light saber.”

“Well yeah, she’s got the Force too, why shouldn’t she?” He jumped up suddenly. “What time is it? I should probably get home.”

“I bet you’ve got homework to do, right?”

Henry groaned, picking up his backpack from the seat. “I’ll see you tomorrow, maybe?”

“Maybe.” Star Wars, she thought. Something for them to bond over that didn’t center around his curse nonsense. It was a small thing, but it was something.

Ruby approached the table as Emma was still watching Henry through the window. “Can I get you anything else, Emma?”

She shook her head. “Just the check.” Remembering Graham’s directive to get to know people in the town, Emma gave Ruby what she hoped was a disarming smile. “You look tired, do you want to sit for a minute and take a load off?”

The diner was mostly empty, it being too late for lunch and too early for dinner. Ruby looked around for Granny before gratefully flopping down in the seat Henry had vacated. “Thanks, my feet are killing me.”

Emma resisted the urge to point out that she might be in less pain if she wore more sensible shoes. She took in Ruby’s striking face, envious of the other woman’s perfect winged eyeliner. “I was a waitress once. It’s hard work. Have you worked here a long time?”

“As long as I can remember,” Ruby said. “I don’t really know how to do anything else.”

The door to the diner opened and Emma glanced up. A man with dark brown hair and a short beard similar to Graham’s approached the register. Ruby looked over too and when she saw the man, got to her feet. “Hang on, I’ve gotta go get his to-go order.”

Emma watched as Ruby grabbed a paper bag from the kitchen pass-through and brought it over, batting her eyelashes and giving the newcomer her best smile as she rung up his food. Emma could appreciate why Ruby was flirting — this guy was a fine specimen of the male half of the species. He wore a tight long-sleeved black t-shirt, and Emma couldn’t help but admire the way it stretched across his shoulders and decently-muscled upper arms. He pulled a wallet out of the back pocket of his worn jeans, handing over cash and taking the bag with little more than a word or two for Ruby. As quickly as he had appeared, he was gone.

Ruby rejoined Emma at the booth. “Who was that?” Emma asked.

“Oh, you noticed Killian? Yeah, even in a town with a decent number of hotties, he’s noticeable.”

She had a point. Not that Emma was shopping for a man, but Storybrooke did seem to have more than its fair share of attractive people. Even Mr. Former Coma Patient, David Nolan, was handsome if you liked the Captain America type. Which Emma didn’t particularly, but she could see why Mary Margaret was mooning over him.

“Killian Jones,” Ruby continued. “He runs things down at the docks. Used to be a sailor himself, I think, but now he mainly inspects the boats and… I don’t know, whatever a harbormaster does.” She shrugged. “He mainly keeps to himself. Believe me, I’ve tried to hit that on multiple occasions, and he was not interested.” She cracked her gum. “His loss.”

Emma immediately formed a picture of Killian Jones in her head, based on Ruby’s limited information. The loner type, probably with some kind of dark secret that drove him to keep to himself. He probably drank too much — just the kind of guy she needed to stay far, far away from if her history was any guide.

Emma thought about the people she had met in Storybrooke so far, pushing Killian O’Hottie from her thoughts. “What’s the deal with Mr. Gold? How did he end up owning everything in town?” she asked.

Ruby blanched and began fiddling with the salt shaker. “I don’t know, he just does.”

“Are you afraid of him?” Emma thought of Ashley Boyd and her baby, and the way Mr. Gold had seemed willing to sell the baby like it was property.

“I think everyone’s afraid of him. He’s… I don’t know.” She lowered her voice. “There’s something about him that feels… evil, you know?”

Emma heaved a sigh. She wasn’t going to get anything concrete going down that road. “You probably know most of the people in this town, working here.”

“Sure, I guess.” Ruby narrowed her eyes. “Are you pumping me for information about Storybrooke’s seedy underbelly in your capacity as the sheriff’s deputy?”

Emma raised her eyebrows in surprise. “You already heard that I’m working for the sheriff? I literally started a few hours ago.”

“News travels fast in Storybrooke, Emma.” Ruby stood up, ready to get back to work. “You’re gonna have your work cut out for you keeping up.”

Chapter 2

#cs ff #captain swan ff #cs s1 au #csbb #this graceful path fic #my fic

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seeinganewlight · 7 years ago

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Going to start off obvious: Bandstand!

bless 🙏🏼

1. FAVORITE CHARACTER?

Julia Trojan and Donny Novitski (can’t pick)

2. FAVORITE PERSON TO PLAY SAID FAVORITE CHARACTER?

Laura and Corey are the only ones I’ve seen....soooo? lol

3. CHARACTER YOU RELATE TO THE MOST?

That’s interesting, I’ve actually never thought about this. I don’t know if I really relate to any of them, because I haven’t experienced any of these things. So at the moment, I don’t know.

4. CHARACTER YOU WOULD MOST LIKE TO PLAY?

Julia.

5. CHARACTER YOU WOULD MOST LIKE TO MEET?

I would love to hang out with Davy, I think he’d be a hoot.

6. MOST UNDERRATED CHARACTER?

Johnny. idk if he’s actually the most underrated, but I feel like people don’t talk about him as much as the other guys in the DNB.

7. FAVORITE SUNG LINE(S)?

All of Welcome Home (Reprise), “They want illusion, and they achieve it, they all relive the past and never wanna leave it”, “Lately I’ve been thinking it’s time to take a look at what I’m doing then, clinging to if only”, “You know who tells me stop? You know who tells me ‘you don’t have what it takes and you will never reach the top’?” “If this were a ballet then I might sweep you off your feet without warning”, “After 3 years and 8 months to find my way back, and loosing my faith while busting my ass”, “we’ve arrived at last my find, we’ve been fighting for far too long”, “starting is daunting true, trusting in something new, fearful your luck will be reversed” and I will stop there before I quote the whole show

8. FAVORITE SPOKEN LINE(S)?

”Sing just because you need to sing”, “What day of the week is Sunday?” “This hotel’s got the biggest bed’s I’ve ever seen in my life!” “SHE DOESN’T REMEMBER THE BRIDGE?!”

9. FIRST SONG YOU HEARD FROM THE SHOW?

Love Will Come and Find Me Again

10. SONG YOU PLAY ON REPEAT?

Pretty much all of them

11. SONG YOU SKIP WHEN IT COMES ON SHUFFLE?

Everything Happens - I have to be in the mood for that song, I feel like it works best within the context of the show.

12. MOST UNDERRATED SONG?

I Got a Theory. Again, don’t know if it’s actually underrated, I just don’t feel like people talk about it enough.

13. FAVORITE HEAD CANNON?

I mean this is basically cannon, but just like all the guys getting along so well with Julia and them becoming a little family.

14. THREE WORDS THAT DESCRIBE THIS SHOW?

Powerful, Moving, Inspirational.

15. OVERALL RATE?

100000000000000000000000000/10.

send me a musical!

#thank you!#also i cried while thinking about the right this way lyrics????#like idk what's wrong with me omg #ask caitlyn #thedonnynova

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yurious-george · 7 years ago

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Dankfest translation notes!

Thanks to the lovely @blueberryhope liveblogging translations in the chat, here’s a rough idea of what was discussed! Under the cut!

EDIT: added part two!

(missed the first few minutes)

they were talking about passing about drinks/water/tea around. something about her cheers words. itoh said sorry about keeping you in the dark for the past 15 years?

*someone pointing at the cover art “mytho is wearing pants guys, so if you were concerned” (HAAHAHAHA)

something about the script, and since the original work, it changed so much, and mytho's notes were scrawled all over. now about something about itoh-san wanted to have dark mytho and light mytho.

comments about drawings to make a story, so itoh just pumped out drawing after drawing to make it. they had to make it basically from the drawings

something about music. not just selections but releasing it all? classic music lots are 1 min, so they wanted to use longer music. so they had to compile a lot more. they wanted to add more songs

swan lake talking, couldn't use 4 cygnets, but they want to make a compilation. something about booklet now. in BD

whatt. someone who they wanted to draw but couldn't? i wonder if its an inside joke. tadata-kun???

orignal work process is easier because things from books or other non visual media. you need to try from words to image, but because its a original it goes straight from head to image. like ghibli totoro. it will be hella boring to read, but its an interesting movie

so they complain they dont understand context. but later in the image/anime they will understand, so they told them to dont worry and just do it. so she doesnt want to correct/fix them

(someone) cant really write ballet scenes, so he has hard time writing that in the script, but he checks it with the director and itoh.

mytho was hardest, b/c he has no heart and char expressions are hard, but that whats make him an interesting char.

returning his heart was kinda scary. because in the scene, you need to draw an expression, but you cant. there's some that's like out of place

sometimes they can do with out the script, but other times they have to depend on it.

bantering back and forth about asking about script

A change to two copies (seasons?)

sorry this is more talk about script and between writers

but it seems like because its so long ago, some it is guesswork??

she even marked the end of season 1 at 13 ep, then going on a vacation

Edel was there since the beginning, (mysterious and beautiful messenger) itoh wanted to bring out mysterious ppl, but she no idea how to go with that, edel would talk in riddles.

they wanted some horror elements.

rue and ahiru boding moment talk!! :D

ballet is like you dont see on tv. you don’t stop the channel for it, so they were looking for pantomime books and dvds

they thought him odd for being there. only moms and little girls at the ballet. he looked at pointe shoes and was like “you could kill someone with this”

in BD theres a pic maybe of them trying ballet

itoh maybe saw a irl raven mytho, a man in a black suit and flapping his arms. haha

apparently lots of people went to nordeligen after watching princess tutu

Then there’s a video of the crew going to nordeligen!

the fountain of warriors in near the pizza shop. apparently “warrior’s fountain” and “crown of stone” are actually locations in nordeligen? They replaced the crosses/christ imagery with swans, lol. They saw a miniature model of the town at a museum! apparently lots of crows come out in the evening. Also they took pictures of a black and white cat (neko sensei) and posed with the oak tree in goofy ways (as a callback to when fakir turned into a tree)

suzuki likes the change from season 1 to season 2, and was only in germany for the beer XD His thoughts: The two halves of the season were good, and the character’s growth was fascinating. he didn’t like the ending. mytho eventually was naked so he was like iffy, but ballet had lots of the girls in poses that ended up showing their underwear, so...

someone likes charon? they wanted him to be younger but were happy with the result

jun blames itoh for making it [the season one climax] harder, saying it was one of the hardest things he’d ever made. jun-san wanted puppets in the Raven’s stomach, but he suggested it to itoh and she was like ''no''

rue's "i’m far from loving him enough" was ad libbed!

sato jun, had a high standard/rep back then. he ended up letting itoh write most of the script because she was stubborn, and she quipped back that he only came to itoh with the stuff hardest to write

Break time!

PART TWO OF DANKFEST!

AHRU AND MYTHO’S VOICE ACTORS ARE HERE!

During a drink order, the prince orders Claire. (lol what) (@chibibotan clarified that claire is how kraehe’s name was pronounced in japenese, so he ordered princess kraehe)

Mr Cat = Kraehe (?? they’re just goofing off here)

mytho’s va: i've been getting older while the audience is shining! (bright, young, etc)

Drosselmeyer impressions. lmao

ahiru’s va: (deep voice) mukashi mukashi... (giggles)

mytho actually succeeded doing it though!

then they joked that Mytho's VA been doing impressions of drosslemeyer and mytho’s alone at home. and that its so lonely(in a loser way) b/c Rue isn't there

and then everyone was just throwing lines like Raven!Mytho's "Tell me that you will love only me!" or "What is this feeling?"

Then they were going around that Fakir's VA wasn't there and Rue's VA wasn't there, and Autor's VA wasnt there, or even Uzura's Va wasnt there

then a booming voice in the back is heard... it’s autor’s va!

(he was saying something but i couldn't hear) and the front VAs were saying "HEY YOU, OVER THERE BY THE BAR BUYING A DRINK"

(something along the lines of Autor style:) "WHY DONT YOU COME UP HERE THEN"(that's why the audience was freaking out

(because it was what Autor would say, and we were all externally screaming)He even said his "my command is absolute" phrase. i have no idea what that is in the english dub

AUTOR IS HERE!

they’re all imitating autor now

Mytho’s va: even tho I’m senpai... oh well :P (because of ettiquette and i think seating? or was it something Autor VA said to Mytho VA lol)

mytho’s VA doesn’t remember his audition, but then again Mytho didn't talk that much in season 1. only like "im here Tutu"

reminiscing about mytho voice acting

they acknowledge that they left fakir behind at the lake!

Ahiru had a lot of retakes. one scene where she had to just be surprised took like 20 times

nanae-san auditioned for a different show , but itoh remembered her. she left quite an impression. she didn’t have a rehersal video?

apparently it destroys her to do that voice haha

more talking about mytho having to redo scenes, staying late and stuff

autor having to be super serious like a stage actor. he got super nervous before his first appearance, he couldn’t even talk.

fakir’s va always sat right next mytho’s va, and when ahiru’s va was up, fakir’s va sat next to her, encouraging her. and autor’s va... was just there to the side lol

there were a lot of ppl auditioning for mytho.

THEY’RE DOING NIGHT OF RASBLUTEN!

IT’S LAGGING, AND NICO LIVE PEOPLE CAN’T WATCH BC COPYRIGHT REASONS. NO NO NOOOOOOO

Apparently autor got cut from the show XD

Now they’re showing material from the pt blu ray, including mytho’s va’s drawing of anteaterina. they’re signed!

Ahiru’s va is doing her voice!

the swan pcitures have a script??? as a bonus

THERE’S GOING TO BE A LIVE MUSIC PERFORMANCE?

Ahiru is singing the “morning at gold crown” song again aaaa

And it’s over! Farewell, and thanks for everything, tutu crew <3

#princess tutu #princess tutu 15th anniversary

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jerepars · 7 years ago

Text

The Con Extended Chapter Notes

Hyperlinks appear in blue (underlined on mobile). The story is posted here. Direct link to this chapter is here.

> “Look, it’s not like you’d really be dating me or be with me or whatever,” he began. “It’s just…see, you’re trying too hard.”

> “I’m offended,” I mumbled, already full of regret for even granting him a minute to waste. “Trying too hard at what?”

> “To impress Jughead,” Archie said it like it should’ve already been obvious to me. “Basic human instinct is that we’re attracted to the people who don’t try too hard.”

When I began writing this chapter, I looked for scenes that are dialogue heavy for Archie because that’s what I’ve gotten used to doing for Jughead. Even if it’s the same dialogue over and over again from the 13 episodes we’ve currently got. I feel like the way Jughead speaks is very distinct so his dialogue is always the toughest to write. If I can’t hear it in his (Cole’s) voice in my head, then I don’t think it’s the right dialogue.

Turns out that’s pretty much a Jughead-only problem.

I kept watching clips of Archie/KJ speaking and the parameters are...wide open. It’s easier. So bless Archie Andrews for that.

I have my own ideas about the persona I want Archie to take on in this story. In the second part of the chapter, Archie is described as clueless, unreliable, a fuckboy, a jock, a frat guy. I don’t think that’s anything new, and yes, those things will hold true in the story. But that’s just Archie on the surface. Because he is very involved in this story, I want to be able to look beyond the conceit that he projects and see his depth.

So with that in mind, it made me think of Beaver, a minor character from the ABC Family show Greek. He’s portrayed as this big dumb frat guy. But when it comes to explaining to Casey why Cappie and Evan can’t be friends in 4x04 (1:40 to 2:48), he acts as if it should be obvious. He says, "this is some pretty basic stuff". So in that scene, in that episode, it’s revealed that there is more to Beaver than meets the eye, there’s something beneath the surface.

I’m not sure if any of this makes sense without knowing the context of the episode or the plot of the show. But this is what inspired Archie’s persona at this point in my story, when he is presenting the plan to Betty, like it’s simple matter of fact.

> “It wouldn’t be as much a game as much as it would be a…a…a con,” Archie found the right word and then added, “and besides, can’t I just be a nice guy trying to help?”

> “No,” I said blatantly. “A proposition such as yours has to have some quid pro quo laced in it somewhere.”

> “Quid what now? I don’t know even know what that means.” Archie let go of my arm and put both his palms against the couch cushion and leaned back in place, against the empty air. The playful expression left his face. “Look, Betty, I really do want to help. My girlfriend and I broke up this summer and I’m still processing it. I feel like I need to be doing more than just writing breakup songs. I could use a project.”

> I had no idea that Archie Andrews had such a heavy heart.

I was thinking about how on the show, especially in the early episodes, Betty and Jughead both consider Archie to be their best friend. Even when this kid hurts them, wrongs them, they give him chances to get back in their good graces again. That begs the question of why to me.

The answer to that question didn't come to me immediately as I thought back on all of the rewatching of season 1 that I've done. It did become clearer when I went through the Archie clips. I think it's pretty subtle, buried in the shuffle of all the blatantly difficult things that happen to everyone else. In 1x02, Jughead confronts Archie about Ms. Grundy and talks about the Archie that he used to know (1:35 to 1:48), who always tried to do the right thing. And that's it--that's who Archie is, he's a nice guy that tries hard (even though he falls short sometimes...a lot of the time). He wants to do the right thing and be helpful.

I think Archie gets typecast as a "bad" guy in a lot of stories because of the way he breaks Betty's heart or because of how oblivious he is or how he loves girls, loves being in love with these girls, and/or goes from girl to girl. I guess I want to get away from him being the "bad" guy. I want to highlight why he is actually a good friend to these characters. I'm always cheering for Betty and Jughead. Of course I am. In this story, I'm cheering for Archie, too.

...this is probably another one of those things that might not make sense or seem important until much later in the story.

Possibly worth mentioning: the part where Archie says "Quid what now?" is my version of Archie saying "wait, the what now?" from the diner scene in 1x07 (2:30 to 2:45).

> Three eggs were yellowed and lightly simmering on the frying pan when I heard the knock at the door. It was just past seven in the morning, a few hours before I had to be at the dance studio. There were two parts to each dance production during the ballet season: rehearsal weeks and performance weeks. During rehearsal weeks, all the dancers in the company—principals, soloists, corps members, and apprentices alike—participated in about an hour of ballet class before a break for lunch and then rehearsal. Rehearsal times were staggered and divided up according to dance scene. But class was always at the same time every morning.

I don't know what time the Joffrey Ballet's company class is during their rehearsal weeks, but there's this series about the New York City Ballet, and in this clip about the corps de ballet (6:00 to 6:10), one of the dancers mentions that he has to be at work at 10:30 every morning. If you watch the video, I should warn you that he seems kind of entitled and whiny (I'd love to not be at work until 10:30; and when he says that he's working his body, what exactly does he think people who do manual labor do every day?), but it's the only video I found that mentions a time, and that was helpful to writing the details of the daily routine as Betty describes in the paragraph.

> For the autumn program, Giselle, a very popular classical romantic ballet, would be staged by the Joffrey for the very first time, and I had made the first cast. I would be in one scene—the Peasant pas de deux, a common interpolation piece for big companies that did productions of Giselle. I would be dancing with my pas de deux partner, Trev Brown, for the better part of nine minutes, but we also had two variations each within that time frame. Since it would be my first time in a soloist’s role for the company, I had a lot to perfect over the next several weeks.

Using Giselle as the production for the autumn program is carry over from Shell Games. It took me so long to figure out what ballet and what pas de deux would be reasonable to use for that story. What Betty says here is true--this season, the Joffrey Ballet is premiering Giselle. I already knew that I wanted this story to be set in Chicago and when I saw that, it was solidified. There is more about pas de deux and the Peasant pas de deux past this chapter. This is just scratching the surface so that the dance part of her life is dispersed throughout the story instead of hitting you over the head with it all at once.

There is a great in-depth background and synopsis of Giselle right here.You can also check the Wikipedia page if you're interested.

The Peasant pas de deux is an interpolation piece between scene 13 and 14 during Act I of Giselle. Interpolations are additional dances inserted into a ballet that were not part of the original composition. As Betty says, big ballet companies (Joffrey is big) include interpolations.

Variations are small solo dances, usually between 1-2 minutes. Betty mentions that she and Trev have two variations each. There is technically only one female variation in the Peasant pas de deux, but some productions have an interpolation within the Peasant pas de deux interpolation, adding a second female variation.

For Betty, I went with the Peasant pas de deux that includes the second female variation. If you want to know what Betty and Trev's dance might look like, you can check out this excerpt from Giselle done by the Bolshoi Ballet here.

> “Betty, stop. Eat.” Jughead stressed the last verb. “I don’t want to be held responsible for any sort of injury if you miss the count on your pirouettes because you didn’t get enough breakfast, just so that you could be polite. Don’t worry about me. I’m meeting up with JB soon. She said something about breakfast burritos.”

I've been listening to I Am the Avalanche's self-titled album a lot while writing this story. Part of "New Disaster" goes: Don't play that game 'cause I can't be held responsible / For any sort of injuries / I don't wanna hear it. I almost named the story New Disaster because in pulling a con, there is a game being played. Possibly injurious to something other than the physical body? I didn't go with that as the title, but here is my ode to it anyway. Snippets from other songs on this album might work their way into the story as well.

> As a member of the Joffrey Ballet, there were certain things afforded to me (and my fellow company members) as per the terms negotiated by the American Guild of Musical Artists, the labor union I belonged to. A supply of custom pointe shoes to my specifications, twice-weekly physical therapy, paid vacation and sick days, a 401K, that sort of thing. But maybe the most important thing I had access to was counseling. Joffrey had a resident psychologist and every Friday I made it downtown early before class for my standing appointment.

From that same series as the video about the corps de ballet, here is one about custom pointe shoes for company members of NYCB. I don't know exactly what being a member of AGMA covers for ballet dancers (obviously, how could I know, right?). I would imagine that it varies from company to company depending on the negotiations with that company. I know that for most big ballet companies in the US, the dancers are unionized by AGMA. I know that the dancers at Joffrey are part of AGMA. The fact that I took it upon myself to figure this out is like a reminder of how stupidly obsessive my research is. All I really wanted to do was make it feasible for the company to have a resident psychologist.

> Ballet would never just be a normal, steady job that could be turned off after 5 PM. What we did wasn’t ‘normal’ and it was all encompassing of our lives. I thought that ballet lent itself to a lot of mental barriers to get stuck on: whether or not we had the right body type, if we were on the right diet, if we were going to get promoted, if an injury was going to end everything for us, if we could even have healthy relationships—healthy anything—when we were so focused on the pursuit of perfection for our art.

There are a lot of articles about the psychological effects of ballet. I thought it only right to mention some of those issues. It was reading about the resident psychologist at Atlanta Ballet that made me feel like I even could.

> I wouldn’t have changed anything about my experience on the way to making the corps de ballet, on the way to where I thought I was still headed onwards and upwards in the company, because it had shaped me to have thick skin and become mentally tough. I just wished I’d been counseled even before I’d gotten my apprenticeship. I wished I’d talked to Dr. Donahue earlier and heard her encouraging words and integrated the coping skills that she promoted, back in the days of my adolescence. Dr. Donahue had been a ballet dancer herself, a former corps member with Boston Ballet. So she got it, what it was like for us, where the psychological blocks were, and how our lives were affected by ballet beyond the studios of Joffrey Tower and the stage of the Auditorium Theatre.

I mentioned Joffrey Tower in the notes for the previous chapter when talking about Betty's commute, but this is the first time it is actually mentioned in the story.

Joffrey Tower houses the rehearsal space for the Joffrey Ballet.

I think there's some misconception that Joffrey Ballet performances take place at the Chicago Theater because of its close proximity:

But the resident home of the Joffrey Ballet is actually the Auditorium Theatre. I got to go to an event there once and the architecture is absolutely beautiful.

> Friday mornings were an important maintenance day for me so that I didn’t capsize before the weekend. I didn’t elaborate why to Jughead as he stood in my kitchen. I continued preparing my food so I could stick to my schedule and get out of the apartment on time to walk to the bus stop at a casual pace rather than sprinting my way there. I liked to be early.

After reading this chapter, I think it's pretty clear why the story is called The Con. One thing that hasn't been made clear yet is the song it's named after, "The Con" by Tegan and Sara, the title track of their 2007 album. One of the lines in the song goes I'm capsized, staring on the edge of safe. That's why there is mention of capsizing in this paragraph. In the video chapter for the recording of this song, Tegan and Sara talk about how there can be different interpretations to the word itself, con (4:00 to 5:27).

And that's what I like about it. That's why I think it was the right title to go with, because it has a bunch of different meanings, not solely because of the con that Betty and Archie are working.

con (verb): persuade (someone) to do or believe something, typically by use of a deception.

con (noun): an instance of deceiving or tricking someone.

con (noun): a disadvantage.

con (noun): a convict.

con (verb): study attentively or learn by heart (a piece of writing).

> “He’s pretty much a clueless frat boy with fuckboy tendencies.” Jughead’s exact words were a little funny, but calculated and deliberate. I knew he didn’t describe Archie that way to be mean, but rather, for what he thought was my benefit. “I don’t know if you can trust him to not let you down. His lack of a poker face is endearing but…he’s kind of oblivious. Not the most reliable.”

Speaking of different kinds of cons...this piece of Jughead's dialogue is inspired by the Comic Con trailer for season 2 where Jughead tells Archie that his utter lack of a poker face is what makes him so endearing.

> Jughead took off his beanie to run a hand through his dark hair. An unruly lock curled over his forehead. A sigh came as he repositioned the hat on his head and spoke again, “Look, you and I are…we’re friends, right? Obviously because you’re Chic’s little sister but not only because of that. We’ve been around each other, sort of, for practically our whole lives. I should care about what happens to you. I think I should be looking out for you.”

Before I wrote in Jughead wearing the beanie in the first chapter, I thought about whether it was still appropriate for him to be wearing it in this AU. All the pictures and scenes from the show without "this stupid hat" suggest that, no, non-canon Jughead does not ever need to be wearing the hat so that the curl can attack us at all times.

And then I found the perfect instance in the story for him to be without it. So it stayed. And it's going to be so good when he has to take it off.

I can't stop laughing at the writing decisions I find myself conflicted over these days.

#je repars notes

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sicknessglory · 8 years ago

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I was tagged by @unapologetic-apathy thank you!

LAST…

[1] drink: tap water [2] phone call: a classmate asking me to excuse her for coming to class late [3] text message: a group chat (of my class) [4] song you listened to: Fuqboi by Hey Violet [5] time you cried: today in class

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: no [7] been cheated on: no [8] kissed someone and regretted it: never even kissed anyone [9] lost someone special: yes [10] been depressed: well I have depression so yes [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: no (never had a drop of alcohol)

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] deep blue [13] blood red [14] pastel pink

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: no [16] fallen out of love: no [17] laughed until you cried: can’t remember tbh [18] found out someone was talking about you: yeah [19] met someone who changed you: no [20] found out who your true friends are: I already knew [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: no GENERAL… [22] how many of your tumblr friends do you know in real life: 4 of them are my friends in real life and another one is my dad (yes my dad is on tumblr and following me) [23] do you have any pets: no [24] do you want to change your name: not anymore I got used to it [25] what did you do for your last birthday: I had like 8 friends over, we ate pizza and talked, since it was my 18th birthday my parents threw confetti with stars and sparkle and little 18ths and I still got some in my carpet [26] what time did you wake up: 6:20 am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping [28] name something you cannot wait for: can’t think of a damn thing [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: some minutes ago [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: my mental health [31] what are you listening to right now: Break my Heart by Hey Violet [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: not that I could remember [33] something that is getting on your nerves: chewing sounds, having no motivation, when my headphones do the thing when they just stop working [35] elementary: done [36] high school: NEARLY done (I’m screaming) [37] college: no [38] hair colour: dark brown [39] long or short hair: undercut with top hair that reaches my chin [40] do you have a crush on someone: no [41] what do you like about yourself?: uh I can be super friendly and polite [42] piercings: none [43] blood type: no idea [44] nickname: never had one that wasn’t from a bully [45] relationship status: single [46] zodiac sign: aquarious [47] pronouns: she/they [48] fav tv show: star trek the original series [49] tattoos: none [50] right or left handed: left handed

FIRST… [51] surgery: I was 3 and had some adenoids removed from my throat [52] piercing: don’t have one [53] best friend: we met in a toddler group, we had our ups and down and we still talk [54] sport: ballet but I wasn’t any good at it [55] vacation: no idea [56] pair of trainers: also no idea

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: nothing [59] i’m about to: draw, hopefully [60] listening to: Answer My Text by PWR BTTM [61] waiting for: a miracle (that stops the time from going on) [62] want: happiness [63] get married: what [64] career: can’t hear over my sobbing

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: never been kissed so I’d say hugs [66] lips or eyes: both? both. [67] shorter or taller: doesn’t matter [68] older or younger: in which context? younger for being more carefree [69] romantic or spontaneous: romantic [70] nice arms or nice stomach: nice arms [71] sensitive or loud: sensitive [72] hook up or relationship: relationship [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? no [75] drank hard liquor? no [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? no (thank god) [77] turned someone down: no (except you count canceling on plans with friends) [78] sex on first date? no [79] broken someone’s heart? no [80] had your own heart broken? no [81] been arrested? no [82] cried when someone died? yes [83] fallen for a friend: no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? like 2% of the time [85] miracles? no [86] love at first sight? no [87] santa claus? no [88] kiss on the first date? why wouldn’t I believe in that? [89] angels? no

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: @husberttee & @thelivingflop [91] eye colour: green grey [92] favourite movie: what we do in the shadows

I tag: @husberttee @thelivingflop @charelis @la-menteuse if you want to

#about me

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maksylmyheart · 7 years ago

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Wait for It: Stars on Ice shines brighter as show goes on, leaving you wanting more

Meryl Davis and Charlie White in "Elastic Heart." (Photo courtesy Stars on Ice)

The first half of Sunday’s Stars on Ice show at Allstate Arena in suburban Chicago felt like an interminable rock concert with skating as an incidental accompaniment to music blared at twice the necessary volume.

The decibels didn’t drop much in the second half. But, despite a difficult two days of travel, the skaters amped themselves up after intermission with programs richer in choreography and polish. Those performances thankfully dampened the music, putting the skaters at the center of the icy stage and allowing the visual to take the expected precedence over the aural.

By the penultimate star turn, with new world champion Nathan Chen doing “Nemesis,” his competitive short program this season, this was a show that clearly understood the maxim to always leave the audience wanting more. As Stars finished with the entire cast - 13 U.S. Olympians - combining on “You Will Be Found” from “Dear Evan Hansen,” the two hours of entertainment had become more and more compelling.

For me, a fourth chance for me to see Chen perform “Nemesis” live was especially appealing, especially given how ironic the title had become after the way he stumbled through it twice at the 2018 Olympics. Yes, the quadruple jumps are gone from the show version, but the essence of the program remains exhilarating.

Dressed all in black, which fit the music and choreography better than the costumes he had worn the rest of this season, Chen captured the piece's restlessness and the contrast between its moments of pulsating rhythm on the piano and those of lush lyricism in the strings. If he had done it as well at the Olympics as he did at the ensuing World Championships, this program might well have been remembered as a landmark in the sport.

I’ll be sorry to see it become a bittersweet memory, knowing he has more fully expressed its essence with each performance. Much as I frown on skaters repeating programs from one year to the next, this one would be worth bringing back one more time – maybe two seasons hence. It's that captivating, and in the context of Stars on Ice, it gave the competitor in Chen the vehicle to meet the challenge of following a show-stopping performance by 2014 Olympic ice dance champions Meryl Davis and Charlie White.

Davis and White did a revised version – with different music, this one “Elastic Heart" by Sia - of a piece they first had performed at an Italian ice show last fall. The theme of star-crossed love was at the center of both versions, as was the long bolt of maroon cloth they artfully used to illustrate being trapped and liberated by passion.

Davis and White cleverly reassembled the program to complement the new music while maintaining an understated grace and flow in their movements and illustrating the motif with striking expressiveness in their faces and arms. This was 3 ½ minutes of breathtakingly beautiful story ballet on ice by two exceptional competitors (Olympic gold, two world titles, six U.S. titles) who have gone on to become consummate entertainers.

With the frenetic post-2018-Olympic schedules for many members of the cast, it was no surprise that most of the other command performances came from skaters who used competitive programs with which they were totally familiar:

*Adam Rippon in his unabashedly in-your-face short program to “Let Me Think About it.”

*Maia and Alex Shibutani in their free dance to Coldplay, as poignantly heartstring-tugging as it had been to win the bronze medal in South Korea.

*Ashley Wagner’s “La La Land” long program, which she skated Sunday with energy, emotion and pizazz that likely would have put her on the 2018 Olympic team had they been as evident in her competitive debut of that free skate at the U.S. Championships. As one might expect, the more she has skated it, the better it has become. Maybe if she had stuck with her original plan to use that “La La Land” program all season. . ..

Wagner was Chen’s dance partner in the ensemble number, Ed Shearan’s “Shape of You,” that opened the second half with its upbeat, romantic, sensual (sexty?) mood. The blending of two U.S. singles champions with two U.S. champion dance couples (Davis-White and Madison Hubbell – Zachary Donohue) and some props that served as a form of musical chairs proved charming.

The troupe had arrived in Chicago following a few long days. After a Friday night show in Pittsburgh, a scheduled Saturday flight from Pittsburgh to Detroit turned into an unscheduled bus trip when the plane was delayed. There was a Saturday night show in Detroit and an early wakeup Sunday morning for the flight to Sunday afternoon’s show at Allstate. The effects of all that were evident in social media posts of skaters trying to squeeze in naps on the Detroit airport floor, one showing Chen with a Yale cap over his face.

Rippon and Mirai Nagasu had been squeezing in rehearsals for their successful Monday night debuts on Dancing With The Stars while skating with Stars on Ice as it traipses across the country in a six-week, 22-city run. Jason Brown was battling a bad ankle. Whatever pain or fatigue they or their colleagues felt was subsumed into the professionalism that drives performers who know each day’s crowd is almost certainly seeing them for the first time.

And, in his first number, “Back from the Edge,” Yalie-to-be Chen gave the audience a look at the number that has becoming his calling card: four. A quad jump. In a show. Air Nathan.

(After a four-day break, Stars on Ice resumes Friday in Grand Rapids, Mich., one of 10 cities remaining before the tour ends May 20 in Portland, Ore. For information and tickets: www.starsonice.com.

#Meryl Davis #Charlie White #Nathan Chen #Adam Rippon #Ashley Wagner #Mirai nagasu #madison hubbell #zachary donohue #Bradie tennell #Karen Chen #jason brown #stars on ice 2018

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forever5hines · 8 years ago

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70 horrible questions

I got tagged by the amazing Sophie ( @1of1prism) thank you ^^ (Sorry I am not doing your other tag since I don’t have so many kpop groups thanks for the tag tho :) )

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? yes ^^ I can be honest with them and we laugh a lot :)

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

one of my friends

03: Do you regret anything?

yap

04: Are you insecure?

depends about what

05: What is your relationship status?

single

06: How do you want to die?

I guess in my sleep would be nice, in like 80 years

07: What did you last eat?

I just ate a cookie that has like chocolate filling in the shape of a star in the middle

08: Played any sports?

I did ballet and dance when I was younger

09: Do you bite your nails?

I used to but I don’t anymore

10: When was your last physical fight?

a serious one? I was 8 and stopped my bully (whom I was terrified from) from fighting another guy, he head butted me in the nose and it hurt like hell for three days

11: Do you like someone?

like or like like? either way yes

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

nope

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

like Sophie said, Trump

14: Do you miss someone?

I always miss my friends :) and my sister

15: Have any pets?

4 cats, they’re a handful

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

good, lazy, slightly hungry

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

nooo

18: Are you scared of spiders?

yes but it’s a lot better since I have my spider-catcher

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

I don’t think I would

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

hahaha no where

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

it is the weekend, I went to the movies, my parents’ best friends came over and I went bridesmaid dress shopping but didn’t find a dress yet. I mean I found a dress but not for the wedding

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

yes, like 2

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

only the basic ear one

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

English

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

yes

26: What are you craving right now?

silence

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

yes T__T

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

nope, not that I know

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

when I broke up with him haha (I was 11) I guess that doesn’t count because he wasn’t my bf anymore

30: What’s irritating you right now?

something weird about my friend

31: Does somebody love you?

I don’t think so

32: What is your favourite color?

purple

33: Do you have trust issues?

yes, but not like in a bad way, but if you let me down I’ll rarely be surprised

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

a weird rest room ordeal that wasn’t my fault

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

my mom, I had failed my driving exam and kept it in until I got home and then just burst out crying

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

nope

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forget

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

it could be

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

haha let me see in the book of the future? Idk 20+ def

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

probably as a toddler

51: Favourite food?

lasagna

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

nope

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

check tumblr

54: Is cheating ever okay?

depends on perspective but morally no

55: Are you mean?

I can be

56: How many people have you fist fought?

2? including my sis which was never serious, hang on 3, my best friend too, although that was more poking

57: Do you believe in true love?

I do think people can be perfect for each other but I don’t believe something is meant to be or something

58: Favourite weather?

sunny

59: Do you like the snow?

yup, as long as I don’t have to go out

60: Do you wanna get married?

yes

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

I guess? depends on the context

62: What makes you happy?

music, spending time with friends and family etc

63: Would you change your name?

nope

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

look back at question 39

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

jump for joy

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

yup my best friend, he says I am weird but I think he admires me not caring

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

my dad

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

she knows :) we had boy-talk at 1am

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

not really

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

yes

alrighty I tag @flowercrownshinee, @foxpuppylove, @fairykibum, @kimjongloser

#tag

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rachello344 · 8 years ago

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Anime I think are worth watching, a comprehensive list.

A note: I haven’t watched a lot of “classics,” so this is based on my own experience. If you think I should have included something that I didn’t, drop me an ask and I’ll either add it or consider watching it if I haven’t yet. If you think something should be in a different category, let me know, and I’ll think about moving it. ^_^

Also: these are all anime that are either ongoing (as of February 2017) or ended after one or two seasons. Basically, these are the anime that are easy for and worth binge watching. And this list is pretty long because I included descriptions, so it’ll be beneath the readmore. ;D

The So-Called Classics

Cowboy Bebop--If you watched/enjoyed Firefly, you’ll love this. A ragtag band of bounty hunters make their way through the solar system. It’s a space western with some noir undertones, and it’s one of the best anime I’ve ever watched. Character-driven and perfect. Its only flaw is that I wish it was longer. Also: there’s a movie, and you should watch it once you’ve finished the anime.

Death Note--Look, I know, but Death Note is a classic for a reason, and you may as well watch it at least once. I’d also like to recommend the live action movies (from Japan), the drama, and the musical. They are also all excellent. I don’t think I need to tell anyone following me what Death Note is, but I will if asked.

Princess Tutu--I’ve watched this show at least three times. Ahiru is a duck turned girl who’s trying her best to do ballet and save the life of her beloved prince (even as she falls for his devoted knight). One of the best anime I’ve ever watched, hands down.

More Recent but Just as Good (and Complete)

Dennou Coil--A bunch of kids playing with their in-universe Google Glass followed by existential revelations that shook me to my core. An excellent anime, and well worth the watch. The animation is gorgeous, and the best relationship is between two girls. It has a strong Ghibli vibe, imo

ERASED (Boku Dake ga Inai Machi)--I don’t know how to describe this anime. It’s a drama and a mystery--the main character is able to go back in time in order to stop bad things from happening. However, one event takes him all the way back to his childhood where he tries to stop a kidnapping. The plot is complex, the characters are flawed and perfect and amazing, and I think I cried at least three times. Really, a great anime. The reveal of the villain gave me chills.

91 Days--If you like dark, give this a try. Gangsters in the 20s, revenge quests, tragedy, and some really good animation. This story does not have a happy ending.

Joker Game--Japanese spies during WWII all sent off to different locations with different tasks. The only flaw is that I wish they could have spent more time together as a group. The animation is lovely, and the characters and plots are detailed and interesting.

Mahou Shoujo Ikusei Keikaku--For the fans of PMMM, this is a mahou shoujo where the girls are forced into battle with each other. I really can’t overstate how incredible the characters are. Really, if nothing else, that should be a major selling point. Plus, the animation is ADORABLE.

Ongoing or To Be Continued

Mob Psycho 100--Gorgeous and earnest and sweet. I didn’t think I was going to like it because the premise seemed a little odd, but then I watched the first episode and immediately changed my mind. Reigen and Mob are both delightful--a con man with a heart of gold and a protagonist that doesn’t want to be special. The rest of the cast is just as colorful, and honestly, it’s just so sweet and wacky and fun. A+ (Season 2 pending)

Boku no Hero--If you like super heroes even a little, you should watch this anime. Izuku is a sweet and nervous kid who’s trying his best to become a hero, with or without powers. All Might is the best dad I’ve ever seen, and Bakugou is an excellent antagonist. The powers are all unique and fun--some people can levitate small objects, others have the head of a bird and use the powers of darkness. A dynamic and entertaining underdog story. (Season 2 is in Spring 2017)

Trickster--Those of you following me for DCMK should absolutely be watching this. It’s based on The Fiend of Twenty Faces by Edogawa Ranpo and it’s set in the near future. I don’t know how to boil it down, but the main detective and the main villain are ex-somethings (literally and actually in canon) and the two main boys are (I hope) slowly becoming “something” (and breaking my heart in the process). Honestly, it deserves more attention than I feel it’s been getting. (Currently ongoing)

ACCA: 13-ku Kansatsu-ka--Political drama! Espionage! A plot to overthrow the King!! An adorable and unique art style! Incredible world building and character design! Please watch this anime!! (Currently ongoing)

Little Witch Academia--Looking for a show with an (almost) all female cast? A show with magic and drama and school rivalries? Are you looking for a show with (sometimes) sweet and (always) lovable girls getting into shenanigans? Look no further! Two OVAs and they finally got an anime, currently ongoing!!

Horror

Vampire Princess Miyu--Highly surreal and deeply involved (very old) anime about a vampire who sends demons back to the other world. Sometimes she helps people, sometimes she kills them, sometimes she technically does both. It’s an odd one, but I liked it a lot when I watched it. It also has one of the best ED songs I’ve heard.

Another--This anime is intense. There’s a dead person in the midst of the living and as long as they’re there, people in or related to one classroom are doomed to die. This goes about as well as you could imagine. Very creepy and exceptionally suspenseful. It is horror, so watch it during the day or with a friend if you get nervous but still want to watch.

Higurashi no Naku Koro ni--I know the art style is weird. It gets better in season two, but you’ll stop noticing after the first few episodes, I promise. The plot is involved and intense. There are multiple timelines and only one Good End. Like Another, this one is suspenseful and will definitely have you on the edge of your seat. Bear with the confusion--everything will be explained, I promise.

Shiki--Do you like vampires? Do you like tragedy? Do you like excessive amount of violence and people returning from the dead? Watch Shiki! There are deep existential questions coupled with the horror of losing a loved one and what we’d do to keep them with us. Also, two of the main boys are probably in love based on context, but I don’t think they were allowed to go there.

#anime recs #let me know what you guys think and whether or not I should consider others #these are all shows I've watched lately or remember vividly #so I hope you guys will consider giving them a try #;D

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mastcomm · 5 years ago

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The Unhealthy Math of Skinny + Pretty = Good

I always liked myself better for what I could be than for what I was — especially when it came to my body.

This started at age 3 in dance class, where the other girls, unlike me, had thin arms and legs. The other girls’ tights, unlike mine, didn’t dig into their waists like a pink belt around teddy bear fluff. Their cheeks didn’t glow red after class. They could do splits.

By the time I was 13, my body had stretched and thinned, leading my teacher to say, “You finally look like a dancer.” Ten years of childhood passion couldn’t get me there, but puberty did.

Nine years later, once puberty had run its course, I learned that I could accomplish a similarly magical transformation by simply not eating.

Thinking back on that time now feels like waking from a nightmare: bolting upright at 4 a.m., blinking and breathing as you try to reorient yourself to reality and reconcile the things you did in dreams with the person you are awake. This is how I give context to memories like the time, nearly five years ago, when I started a loud public fight with my college boyfriend because he had bought me a slice of pizza on a Saturday night.

My argument went like this: “I said I didn’t want a slice of pizza. I can’t just not eat pizza if I don’t want it. It’s not that easy. You never listen to me. You don’t even respect me enough not to buy me a slice of pizza. When I say no, I mean no.”

Yes, that’s really what I said.

[Sign up for Love Letter, our weekly email about Modern Love, weddings and relationships.]

I can’t explain to him what happened because we don’t speak anymore. The breakup was unsurprisingly messy, borne of our emotional mismatch — his optimism (“Can’t you just be happy?”) versus my depression (“That’s not how it works.”). One night, as our hurtful exchanges snowballed, he went for the jugular: “You’ve gained weight.”

Love may feel intolerably complex at 22, but one emotional equation, for me, was starkly simple: skinny + pretty = good.

After he and I broke up, I went on a diet and tried to feel as little as possible. Dinner was often alcohol (cooking vermouth straight from the bottle, sometimes with vodka) and ineffective antidepressants. Breakfast was two scrambled egg whites with tomatoes and 50 calories of mozzarella. Lunch was a microwaved potato with ketchup and fat-free sour cream.

Sometimes I had an apple for dessert. If I had chicken breast and broccoli, I felt as if I had done something wrong. I dated too much, flirting and living for the up-and-down stares that did more to keep me on my feet than all the carbs I wasn’t eating.

During that Saturday night meltdown over the unwanted pizza slice, I didn’t realize I was really yelling at myself, not him. Yelling at my body for not looking the way I thought it should. Angry that it was so hard for me to be small. If I were smaller, I would be better — though I would settle for numb — and I would love myself more.

Young women are gifted in self-loathing, but we chubby ones can be self-loathing savants. I didn’t have the words for it as a child, but something in me was sad and sharp enough to hoard all the moments that told me I wasn’t good enough.

Ballet resonated with that ruthless, self-critical part of me. In ballet, you don’t stop until you get it right. When you’re dizzy and your lungs are drained and your muscles are screaming like a teakettle left on too long — that’s when you look in the mirror to see if you’ve mastered it. If you haven’t, you find the part of your brain that’s telling you to rest and hold it underwater until the thrashing stops. Keep going. Point your toes.

Starving yourself is a lot easier when you have 15 years of training in overriding your survival instincts.

By the time Ian and I met, I was finally so thin. Sometimes I wondered if being that thin was wrong (a thought I doused in alcohol). Ian was fun and grabbed my behind in bars and wanted to sleep with me. We were dating exclusively before I even noticed, and I was in love with him before I had realized how well we fit together.

Another person’s comfort with you can make you forget your discomfort with yourself. We went to bars and got only pleasantly drunk, ate butter popcorn at the movies because it was fun. We started making small accommodations for each other: Moving my gym routines for more time to be together. Eating a second dinner because he texted unexpectedly and wanted to see me that night.

Those butterflies were a pretty distraction — until I gained a little weight. Then the creeping insecurity and self-loathing came rushing back, threatening to overwhelm the comfort of this new relationship.

I told the therapist who had seen me through all of this — who had listened to me skim over the bad breakup and make jokes about my body and who wasn’t at all surprised to learn about my vermouth dinners and drunken purges — and she gave it a name: “This is an eating disorder. You have an eating disorder.”

That’s when I really plummeted. One night, when I was so depressed I couldn’t get off the floor, Ian came over to pick me up. My therapist told me to stay at Ian’s apartment for the week as an alternative to inpatient. I spent mornings on the floor in a corner of Ian’s bedroom, swaddled in a comforter, wailing because I couldn’t speak in complete sentences anymore and my brain — my beautiful, Harvard-trained brain — wouldn’t work right. One day Ian’s roommate heard me crying and was never comfortable around me after that. I don’t know if I blame him.

Eventually I got better. I had to. I would have been useless otherwise. I found drugs that helped. I ate more and kept it down. Ian didn’t leave me, because he thinks I’m the most sensible person he knows. That’s one of the nicest things I’ve ever heard.

Sometimes — less and less often — I still curl up under the covers and can’t leave the room, and he’ll hold me while I cry and say, “You’re my favorite person.” His favorite person had gained 60 pounds since meeting him, but he has said those words — those words, the poison ones — only once: “Well, you’ve gained weight.”

I don’t blame him. I had pushed him to say it, wanting to validate my self-hatred, but that’s just not how he looks at me. The words lost their venom coming from him.

I don’t have an ending. I have gained more weight since. As Roxane Gay puts it, I’m “Lane Bryant Fat.” There are stores that sell clothes for me, but most don’t. I am coming to terms with the fact that this is the body I am genetically meant to have, that I’m not Courteney Cox playing young Monica in a fat suit.

I am coming to terms with how the world sees me now: like a problem. Sometimes I embrace that difference, but it’s hard. It takes work to feel like your body isn’t a trap you’re caught in. It takes work to accept what you are rather than fight it at every turn. But this is the work you must do.

I eat balanced meals. I call myself fat and feel O.K. about it. I get tattoos. I drink too much but take Prozac like it can save me, which it has. I have spent thousands of dollars finding clothes that look nice on fat women. The leather jacket I bought myself for my 19th birthday will never fit me again. When I’m in a restaurant, it’s hard to tell how much space I need to slide between tables. Sometimes I underestimate and get stuck.

Last summer was the first time a stranger called me fat. I was on a narrow sidewalk that accommodated only one. He was riding his bicycle behind me and wanted me to move so he could pass, and I wouldn’t. So he said, “I’ll run your fat ass over.”

I wanted to go for his throat, but instead I stepped aside with spread arms and said, “Go for it.” He stared, and I beckoned him past like a doorman at the Ritz.

I walked the two miles home crying, then sniffling, then messaging my online support group asking for love. Fat isn’t bad, they said. And they’re right. But I didn’t text Ian. He knows me as a person, not a body, making him both a perfect refuge and the worst resource for understanding.

One day I will be more healed and more like Ian in loving myself unconditionally. And if someone makes a rude remark about my size, I will say, “Thank you. You can’t imagine how hard I worked for this.”

from WordPress https://mastcomm.com/the-unhealthy-math-of-skinny-pretty-good/

#Life style

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ultrachoppedpenguinbouquet · 7 years ago

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Alcohol in the Bible

Alcohol in the Bible In general, we can say that the Bible neither condemns drinking per se nor promotes it. Drinking alcoholic beverages is one of those grey areas that is a matter of one’s personal conscience. But there is more in scripture than just this individualistic approach.Isn’t it Really Grape Juice?Some take the words for wine to mean ‘grape juice.’ If this were so, then why would there be prohibitions against drunkenness? One cannot get drunk on grape juice. Further, Jesus’ first miracle was changing the water into wine at the wedding of Cana in Galilee. He made between 120 and 180 gallons of wine! Even if this had been grape juice, it would soon turn to wine because the fermentation process would immediately begin. But it most certainly was not grape juice: the head waiter in John 2:10 said, “Every man sets out the good wine first, then after the guests have drunk freely, the poor wine. But you have kept the good wine until now.” The verb translated ‘drunk freely’ is almost always used of getting drunk (and is so translated in the NRSV here). In the least, the people at this wedding feast, if not drunk, would certainly be drinking alcohol fairly freely (if not, this verb means something here that is nowhere else attested4). And this makes perfect sense in the context: The reason why a man brings out the poorer wine later is because the good wine has numbed the senses a bit. Grape juice would hardly mask anything. Note also Acts 2:13—”they are full of sweet wine”—an inaccurate comment made about the apostles when they began speaking in tongues, as though this explained their unusual behavior. The point is: If they were full of grape juice would this comment even have made any sense at all? That would be like saying, “Well, they’re all acting strange and silly because they have had too much orange juice this morning!”There are other references to alcoholic beverages in the Bible: Several times in the first books of the Bible, wine, and strong drink are prohibited to those who take a Nazarite vow (cf. Num 6, Judges 13). Even grape juice and fresh and dried grapes (i.e., raisins, as the NIV renders the word) are prohibited to the Nazarite (Numbers 6:3)!5 But that restriction is only for those who make this vow. If someone today wants to claim that believers do not have the right to drink alcohol on the analogy of a Nazarite vow (as some today are fond of doing), they also should say that believers ought not to eat Raisin Bran!Negative Statements about Wine Indicate that it is not Grape JuiceFurther, the Bible at times speaks very harshly about becoming enslaved to drink or allowing it to control a person, especially to the point of drunkenness. Proverbs 20:1—“Wine is a mocker, strong drink a brawler, And whoever is intoxicated by it is not wise” (NASB). Cf. also Prov 21:17 (where heavy drinking and gluttony are equally condemned); 1 Sam 1:14; Isa 5:11, 22; 28:1 (drunkenness is condemned); 28:7; 29:9; 56:12; Jer 23:9; 51:7; Joel 3:3. In the New Testament notice: Eph 5:18 (“do not get drunk with wine”); 1 Tim 3:3, 8; Titus 1:7 ([elders and deacons ought not be] “addicted to wine or strong drink”); Titus 2:3 (older women, who would serve as role models to the younger ones, must not be addicted to wine). As well, numerous passages use wine or drunkenness in an analogy about God’s wrath, immorality, etc. (cf. Rev. 14:8, 10; 16:19; 17:2; 18:3).The significance of these negative statements is just this: If this were only grape juice, why would excess in drinking it be condemned? If this were only grape juice, why are certain mental effects attributed to it (cf., e.g., Psalm 60:3)? One can’t have it both ways. You can’t say that wine is always grape juice, for then the negative statements in scripture make no sense; those who say that it is only grape juice tend to focus just on the neutral and positive passages, conveniently allowing them to condemn the drinking of real wine at all times. But even this position is not logical: If the Bible only speaks of grape juice, then it makes no comment about alcoholic wine. And if so, then it does not directly prohibit it. And if we are going to prohibit something that the Bible does not address, why stop at wine? Why don’t we include the ballet, opera, football games, country-western music (actually, I might be in favor of banning this one!), saltwater fishing, zippers on clothes, etc. Once legalism infests the soul it doesn’t know where to quit.In sum, is wine the same as grape juice? No, for if it were, the Bible would hardly condemn the abuse of such. Those who argue that the two are identical simply cannot handle the passages that speak about excess.Neutral and Positive References to Alcoholic Beverages in the Bible At the same time, there are several neutral, almost casual references to alcoholic beverages. Genesis 14:18 refers to Melchizedek, a type of Christ, as offering wine to Abram; Nehemiah 2:1 refers to the king drinking wine (Nehemiah was required to taste it first to make sure it was not poisoned); Esther 5:6; 7:1-2 speaks of wine that Esther (the godly Jewess) drank with the king; Job 1:13 refers to righteous Job’s family drinking wine; Daniel 10:3 speaks of drinking wine as a blessing after a time of fasting. Some of Jesus’ parables are about wine, wineskins, vineyards (cf. Matt 9:17; 21:33; even John 15 speaks of God the Father as the vinedresser!). Paul tells Timothy to drink some wine for his stomach’s sake and not just water (1 Tim 5:23). The same Greek and Hebrew terms that were used to speak of the abuses of wine are used in these passages. One cannot argue, therefore, that alcoholic beverages are in themselves proscribed, while grape juice is permitted. The lexical data cannot be so twisted.There are, as well, positive statements about alcoholic beverages: Deut 14:26 implies that it is a good thing to drink wine and strong drink to the Lord: “And you may spend the money for whatever your heart desires, for oxen, or sheep, or wine, or strong drink, or whatever your heart desires; and there you shall eat in the presence of the LORD your God and rejoice, you and your household” (NASB). Psalm 4:7 compares joy in the Lord to the abundance of wine; Psalm 104:14-15 credits God as the creator of wine that “makes a man’s heart glad” (cf. also Hos 2:8); honoring the Lord with one’s wealth is rewarded with the blessings of abundant stores of wine (Prov 3:10); love is compared to wine repeatedly in the Song of Songs, as though good wine were similarly sweet (1:2, 4; 4:10; 7:9). The Lord prepares a banquet with “well-aged wines... and fine, well-aged wines” for his people (Isa 25:6) [obviously this cannot be grape juice, for aging does nothing but ferment it!].The lack of wine is viewed as a judgment from God (Jer 48:33; Lam 2:12; Hos 2:9; Joel 1:10; Hag 2:16); and, conversely, its provision is viewed as a blessing from the Lord (cf. Gen 27:28; Deut 7:13; 11:14; Joel 2:19, 24; 3:18; Amos 9:13-14). Cf. also Isa 55:1; Jer 31:12; Zech 9:17.Indeed, there was even the Passover tradition that went beyond the biblical teaching: by the time of the first century, every adult was obliged to have four glasses of wine during the Passover celebration. Jesus and his disciples did this in the Last Supper.6 The fact that the wine of the Passover was a symbol the Lord used for his blood and for the new covenant implicitly shows that our Lord’s view of wine was quite different from that of many modern Christians.What is truly remarkable here are the many positive statements made about wine and alcoholic beverages in the Bible.7 Wine is so often connected with the blessings of God that we are hard-pressed to figure out why so many modern Christians view drink as the worst of all evils. Why, if one didn’t know better, he might think that God actually wanted us to enjoy life! Unfortunately, the only Bible most of our pagan friends will read is the one written on our lives and spoken from our lips. The Bible they know is a book of ‘Thou shalt nots,’ and the God they know is a cosmic killjoy.I think the best balance on this issue can be see in Luke 7:33-34: John the Baptist abstained from drinking wine; Jesus did not abstain [indeed, people called him a drunkard! Although certainly not true, it would be difficult for this charge to have been made had Jesus only drunk grape juice]. Both respected one another and both recognized that their individual lifestyles were not universal principles. One man may choose not to drink; another may choose to drink. We ought not condemn another servant of the Lord for his choice.As well, Romans 14 is a key passage for gleaning principles about how we ought to conduct ourselves in relation to one another on this issue: weaker brothers ought not to judge those whose freedom in Christ allows them to enjoy alcoholic beverages; stronger brothers ought not to disdain weaker brothers for their stance. Whether we drink or not, let us do all things to the glory of God.

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