#for context we've been mutuals on another app for a bit

[silverselfshippingchaos]

irl crush posted a me? gongaga meme as soon as i changed my status on another app to online... he said he's never played a f.inal f.antasy... but when i talked to him, i told him to play c.risis c.ore..

[howtogettheshyguy]

Hi! Thanks for both yours and L's responses. For some additional context we're both in our mid 20s and both equally inexperienced in dating. And the adoption talk was not to me, it was to a mutual friend who later told me about it. He recognizes that being a single parent is hard so I don't think he believes that that will actually happen. He's also said he doesn't want to be a "old dad." So after a certain point, if he doesn't meet someone, and isn't financially able to adopt and raise a child on his own, he'd just give up on that dream and retire early.

I had another conversation with him because the more I thought about it, I felt like I had been lied to. So I gave him a whole list of why I thought he had feelings for me, since he had been treating me as a psuedo girlfriend this entire time. We've never had physical intimacy beyond light touches and hugs, but the emotional intimacy is there. And after laying this all out, he said he understood why I would think that he liked me. And said he would need to take some time to reflect on his own behavior. We originally were going to meet up in 2 weeks in person, but he decided that that might be a bad idea now, and that he might need more time. I asked him why he couldn't just give it a shot, would it really be that different to just date me? We're already halfway there. But he said that he has just never felt "a spark." He couldn't really explain what that meant, but if I had to guess it's the butterflies you get when you first have a crush on someone. The excitement when something is new. But are you going to get that with someone you've been friends with for a long time and are incredibly comfortable with? Probably not. I want to eventually ask him to consider just trying to take me on a couple of dates, and try to feel things out. During this time I can push him a bit more than I normally would have, out of fear I'd make him uncomfortable. Maybe hold his hand, arm, kiss his cheek, etc. I'm not sure if he'd agree to that right now, so for now I'll let him ruminate on things and withdraw from him.

He also did explain that he does have self confidence issues and that he talked himself out of doing anything with the girl from 8 years ago, but that the situation with me is different. I'm not completely convinced, I feel like this feeling might be so deeply rooted at this point that he's doing it sub consciously. 

But in the meantime, I downloaded a dating app for the first time and I think I'll try going on a few dates and see how they go. I'm a little nervous as I've never really dated anyone before, but I think I have to put myself out there at this point. I'll stop giving this guy the girlfriend treatment and put more distance between us and see if that makes him realize what he's losing out on.

Hi, I'm tagging you "adoption girl" ;-)

Ok so he's not that invested in the idea of adoption. That's good, it makes him more of a normal person now

I think that your guy is stuck in what I call the "intermediate zone". You managed to get close to him and he seems to trust you. But over the years he probably got accustomed of having you at a certain distance. Close as friends and emotionally but not as boyfriend girlfriend. He is keeping you close, but not too close and keeps you at a distance but not too far

I think that he is really set in his ways now and it will be difficult to make him realize that he may be wrong. If you are right and your instincts are correct, you could be great together but he won't be able to see that or believe it's possible. As "L" said, you could be wasting a lot more time on him

As for dating other people, if you can, perhaps try the friends of friends approach. App dating is a whole other thing. I'm no expert on regular dating, but using an app has a higher risk of bringing troublesome people in your life ;-)

I still think that if he realizes that he could lose you, that his behavior and his vies might change. So no matter what approach you use, do go all in to dating other people and building a life outside of your shy guy. It might be the only way you'll ever get the "truth" out of him. And once you have your own separate life, you might find that you don't need him as much as you thought

This "exercise" might be good for both of you :-)