#for context there was a girl at the fansign that started crying when she was talking to him

[snallavanta]

makes me so soft seeing jeonghan treat all the fans gently knowing that they’re all so emotional rn

[v-le]

Kmusic: My artists in 4 months

Foreword: PHEW this one took a while.... but I have really had so much on my mind lately that i knew i just HAD to churn this one out asap... I also would’ve tried to include videos rather than images but it’s a pain in the butt... I guess my vids will be top secret for now hehe. But really. a true blessing, these 4 months. Ah, I still really cant believe it..

--

If you were to ask me how I felt about my first semester at Yonsei and simply the past 4 months in Korea, from August 21st to December 23rd, I would probably just emphasize how grateful I am. But to narrow down this deep affection for all the happenings, I would have to do so in a music context. It is such a fascinating and seemingly mundane thing to go on about: Why does my music mean what it means to me to this day? How have those values shaped my experiences in Korea so far? What does it mean for me going forward? These are questions I want to ask myself, reflect upon, and continue to explore as I await to begin another journey in Korea once again.

If I rewind to when I first started listening to Korean music, it would be when I was… I don’t even know. I was exposed to it since I was about 7 or 8 years old, when my sister was sucked into the very beginnings of OG K-pop: Wonder Girls, Big Bang, 2NE1, Super Junior, SNSD, SHINee, you name ‘em all. I’ve talked about this a lot, but during those days I was never particularly interested in that side of music. It didn’t make much sense to me and it just sounded mreh. But after several years of this exposure, I fell into my own K-pop obsession-hole starting with LEDApple, a very unassuming, catchy-music-making band. I was in it for the music. At first.

Okay, now fast forward past my kpop era: you can read all about it in my very extensive post from about a year ago here. But yes, lets leave that chunk of my life behind and think about where I stand from a “music maturation” perspective. Right here. Right now.

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment or day or time in which I fell into the “deeper” side of Korean music. I am pretty certain that it simply occurred naturally, gradually. What I know for a fact is that I owe so much of myself to my music. At any given point in my life thus far, my music has defined a large portion of my identity: it really does mean a lot to me. I am constantly listening to music. To narrow this down into my current self’s context, my music mostly consists of Roy Kim, Sam Kim, DAY6, Kim Feel, Fromm, Jung Sewoon, Eddy Kim, Kwon Jin Ah, and many many many others.

These artists, the music that they make, is not K-pop. It never will be. I don’t care what those stupid Spotify playlists call some of the songs from these musicians, but they are not and never will be K-pop. (At most DAY6 could come closest to fitting). My discovery of each and every one of these artists varies from person to person of course, but most of my sentiments remain the same all throughout. I would give my everything for these people. But I want to make it very very very clear: it is not necessarily these PEOPLE, these faces, these appearances, these artists themselves that I am oh-so enthusiastic about. It is their voice & music. That is honestly all it really comes down to at the end of day. It is and has always been about the music.

I owe my deep appreciation for my music to several various factors ranging from emotionally & mentally detached parents & family, my somewhat introverted personality, and my incessantly over-analytical mindset. However, what exactly constitutes this deep appreciation is what I want to explore. A certain fact is that I hated high school. As I grew up through the ages of 13 to 17, I completely despised the American public education system that was high school. Without getting into the complex details about my community that was the heart of Silicon Valley and the various cultural pushes, I just have to say that high school felt like a sort of mental torture for me.

And during all those times, when I needed it the most, when I felt so completely lost, when I felt like no one would listen to me, nothing could console my distressed heart and mind, I always fell back to many of those artists listed above. Particularly to Roy and Sam. I owe them SO MUCH. They literally changed my life.

Home. 영원한 건 없지만. Your Song. These three songs, my life songs. Their lyrics literally saved my life. They mean everything to me. Without these songs from Roy & Sam, I would not be where I am today.

All my artists that I mentioned make their own music. They write, compose, produce, everything. They are the true masters of their voices (see, not K-pop). And so, when I listen to them, when I absorb their voices & melodies, I can sometimes really feel their sincerity, their yearning. I am so thankful for what they have produced for this world and for my ears to hear. However, within the past 4 months, I got to see, know, understand, and FEEL these artists on a whole new level.

In chronological order, here is a list of the artists I saw live &/or in person during my time in Korea thus far:

08/31 Roy Kim & Son Seungyeon @ Picnic Concert

09/01 Monogram, Baek Yerin, Kwak Jineon, Paul Kim, Bol4, Crush, Urban Zakapa @ Someday Festival (Day 1)

09/02 Fromm, Jo Hyunah, Jung Sewoon, Roy Kim, Yong Junhyung & Yang Yoseob, K. Will @ Someday Festival (Day 2)

09/08 DAY6 @ You Made My Day Fanmeeting

09/20 Roy Kim @ SNU Fall Festival

11/02 Roy Kim & Kim Haon @ Daellim Univ. Halloween Festival

11/04 Nam Woohyun (& Jang Dongwoo, Kim Sunggyu, Lee Sungyeol) @ 식목일 (Day 3)

11/10 Fromm @ Seoul Music Forum Mini Concert & Free Fansigning

11/11 Eddy Kim @ Miles Apart Album Fansigning

11/22 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Release Showcase

12/01 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Fansigning

12/09 Fromm @ "Midnight Candy" Mini Album Release Concert

12/16 Roy Kim @ ROchestra Live Tour 2018 (Seoul Day 2)

12/21 Sam Kim @ Lotte Tower World Park Christmas Busking

12/22 DAY6 @ "The Present" Christmas Special Concert (Day 1)

Breakdown:

Free: 5 events

Paid Tix: 6 events

Album Purchase & Application: 4 events

🌹 Roy Kim: 5 times

🌚 Sam Kim: 3 times

🌓 Fromm: 3 times

🎸 DAY6: 2 times

As an avid fan of many of these artists for YEARS, like Infinite for 8 years, Roy for 5, Sam since his debut in Apr. 2016, DAY6 since their debut in Sept. 2015, Fromm for over 4 years, Eddy for over 5 years, etc etc. I NEVER thought I would actually get to see or hear these people live. Okay, granted I saw DAY6 live back in Oct. 2017 as well as Sam & the entire Antenna fam in Sept. 2017, both in LA. But doing 3 fansignings????? Meeting and talking with Fromm, Eddy Kim, AND Sam Kim???? Seeing Roy FIVE TIMES??????????? Three times for FREE, once at a festival, and then even being able to go his end-of-the-year solo concert???????? Y’all…. It was literally a dream come true. A stroke of luck tenfold. Twelvefold. I saw at least one treasured artist a total of fifteen times. Whether it was at a college busking event, the Someday music festival, a fansigning, a fanmeeting, or even a solo concert. I was somehow there.

Seeing Roy live was something I thought I would never ever ever in my lifetime get to do. As I explained in my 1st semester wrap-up post found here, Roy’s situation with school made my hopes seem very bleak from the get-go. But still, my luck persisted 5 times throughout. I almost, nearly, COMPLETELY failed to acquire a ticket for his ROchestra solo concert, Seoul Day 2 show. It was probably the most energy-draining, stressful, painful and TERRIBLE ticketing experience I have ever experienced. And trust me, I’ve done lots of ticketing before (unfortunately). But after 1 hour of staying glued to that PC bang computer screen, I managed. And I went. And maybe I’ll have to do a separate post for it, but Roy Kim’s concert on December 16th, 2018, was the best concert I have ever been to in my life. Easily. It was so breath-taking.

But yes, enough with Roy. Fromm is my ultimate indie goddess and she has a charm that is so indescribably perfect. She decided to release a mini album over a year since her last one, in the middle of November while I was there and I wanted to DIE. It was suchhhhh a solid release, and I even got to attend a free fansigning with her as well for her solo concert for the album release. I LOVE her cheeky personality so much. And she really is just sooooo kind. I couldn’t have much of a conversation with her due to the time constraint, but I at least got to snap a quick selfie heh (which i wont exposed bc privacy ya feel??). Her solo concert was gorgeous in every single way; I honestly would be willing to pay any price to go to it again in a heartbeat. Even though it was for her “Midnight Candy” album release, it was basically a Fromm discography concert because she sang EVERYTHING and I was THIS close to wanting to cry because I just felt so grateful & happy in those moments. I love her I really do. Ah, also, 2 out of the 3 times I saw her, I wrote to her & posted on Instagram and she liked both posts for me :”).

Sam…. My luck with Sam was out of this world honestly…. I still get goosebumps thinking about how blessed I was to see Sam 3 times, 2 times in very special instances. First off. He announced the release of his FIRST FULL album after a TWO YEAR & A HALF HIATUS. Y’all. This boy hadn’t released anything for 2.5 entire years since his debut and then suddenly WHAM he does it. Somehow right when I was in Korea. AH… I still….. I’m still screaming inside. I screamed aloud in my room for a good 5 minutes straight when I first saw the news, and yes, to this day I am still screaming. His three pre-release tracks were GORGEOUS & Sun And Moon, track 1, literally brought me to tears without even trying. I had been missing his voice and presence for so long…

And then, for the full album release, Antenna announced a post in which if you pre-order his album when it comes out & email the Antenna staff with the receipt showing proof, you will be put in a drawing to attend his live showcase on the night of its release. OHMYGOSH. I knew I had to do it. I struggled a little bit & even felt like I was doing everything so untimely, but I am SO blessed that I really was able to order & pay for it, shoot Antenna an email real quick, and then nervously await my results for like a week. That one Friday the results were to be emailed out, I remembering feeling extremely anxious all throughout the day. I desperately wanted to go…. And at 6:00PM…. I got the email!!!!! I was literally shaking, hands & knees trembling and everything. I actually got invited to the ‘Sun And Moon’ 1st Album Showcase!!! Y’all!!! It was so amazing. It was the night before I had to leave to Taiwan early in the morning so it was quite stressful, but still!!!!! I felt so honored to be there that night: the venue was extremely intimate and Sam was soooososoooo gooooddd and the tracks he sang were sooo beautiful and just… everything about it was like a dream. I was truly blessed.

A week later…. Antenna announced Sam’s first FANSIGNING & once again I was overwhelmed with this “OMG I WANT TO GO, but how, should I really, but what about….??”. It was a physical album-purchase-based application process which means I had to go to this specific bookstore in Gangnam, buy x-amount of albums, and based on that amount, my name will be put into a drawing that many times. Very basic fansigning grounds. I already pre-ordered his album for the showcase, so I honestly didn’t really need another one… but I decided to test my luck & just purchase 1 measly album & see if that ONE album will help me get chosen. And o boy. I GOT IN :”)). When I saw my name on that list in the official fancafe post, I couldn’t believe it….

On the day of the fansigning which was happening inside a mall, starting at a certain time I was able to walk in and choose a random number from 1-100 and since I arrived early, I got to choose pretty early as well. When I saw my number I literally gasped aloud: #7. I know it’s a corny & cliché favorite number but only bc infinite ok. Being #7 meant that I literally say FRONT & CENTER of the stage…not even stage. There wasn’t a stage... it was just an open area. My turn came around very quickly because I was early and let’s just say I was a fking mess, repeating thank you over and over & literally, incessantly telling him how thankful I am for his music and how grateful that after all that time he took to came back, he came right when I was in Korea and how I was at Antenna in LA & his showcase too and thank you thank you, yadda yadda. Yeah…..I suck at these things I really do. Then, at the end of it all, he took a picture with the crowd of fans and ended up sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME LMAOOOOOOO. Okay here is a picture of maybe my biggest life accomplishment??? jk but no rly LOL.

look ma, i made it :”)

But really, the fact that I actually got to talk to Sam & just try to relay all my thanks that I have been owing to him for many years… wow… I’m still in shock and I am just so eternally thankful. I used to think to myself “damn, I wish I could talk to Sam one day” and damn…. I really did do it…

Eddy Kim was also another meeting that I could have only dreamed of before coming to Korea… His last release was 4 goddamn years ago oh my gosh… This fansign application was not a random drawing like Sam’s but just a “buy his album at this bookstore & u get in” sort of thing. To be honest I could blatantly tell that Eddy’s popularity is definitely not as comparable to the other artists that I cherish & I was quite shocked by this revelation. I knew for sure in America, who the hell would ever know him. But even in Korea, he seemed… just really not that well-known, especially from a music perspective. It was interesting and even a little disheartening to see. He was very kind & cutely impressed with my Korean skills and we literally just talked in a bunch of Konglish & once again I just kept repeating how thankful I was for his music in my life. How I waited for so long and his release literally matched up with my time there as well. Even though I never got to hear Eddy sing live, I am more than happy with the fact that I simply got to chat with him & relay my heart as best as possible.

After doing 3 full fansignings I have fully realized that as grateful for the opportunities I am, they are so difficult and stressful… To be given such a short amount of time to spill out my heart is essentially impossible for me LOL. I’d rather much LOVE to just to sit down with these artists not to fangirl or cry, but to have a real, genuine conversation about their music and why it holds so much sentiment for me. I would love to ask questions about their music and I would love to share with them how much it means me & why I am so thankful at the end of the day. That’s what I really wish I could do. Because even as I hurriedly expressed my countless thanks and probably sounded like a hot mess, I feel like I still just came off as a surface-level fan saying their thanks. But noo! In reality, I just wanted to relay how much their music means to me (I literally just typed this wow repetition is gr8). Which I feel like I really couldn’t do properly… I couldn’t get my heart across all the way ☹ but it’s okay because as I’ve been repeating, I am infinitely thankful nonetheless.

My first DAY6 event, their 3rd year anniversary 1st fanmeeting, was a bit of a flop for me simply because they talked wayyyyy to much & played stupid games & everything… and it was cute, but not what I was there for. I kinda wished I heard more of them singing, but it’s okay. In no way am I undermining this monumental day because I know it meant a lot to the boys & fans collectively. Jae could not participate due to health reasons & it definitely put a huge damper on the entire atmosphere, but the members tried their best and the entire audience even consistently sang aloud all of Jae’s parts during the songs when his voice was not there. They also sang a never-before-released track with Jae and they all just cried a bunch and me, sitting there, watching those light-wrist-band-thingies glow & beam & shine in-sync with the music, all sorts of colors, in a massive wave of lights & fanchants & music sewn together… wow it was honestly stunning & one of the most awesome spectacles I’ve ever experienced. Korean fans are really something else….

Speaking of which, attending 15 events during my 4 months there taught me many things about Korean concerts & fans that I find so extremely fascinating.

For most concerts, whether they are super hype-y & K-pop-y or a ballad one with minimal need for movement, when there are seats, fans with stay seated for the most part. In America, I feel like all fans tend to automatically stand (for basically all K-pop acts) regardless of the seating. But in Korea, at my experiences with DAY6 in particular (I also have heard that BTS in Seoul was the same), fans stayed sitting basically all throughout. The most like bodily movements they require would be the waving of their lightsticks. It was honestly pretty refreshing to see a generally calm & collected audience, at least where there was seating.

The fanchants are out of this world !!!!! Especially for the 2 times I saw DAY6, the fans were so on point with their fanchants: they were loud and clear and crisp AND THEY MATCHED WITH THE LIGHTS ON THEIR WRISTBANDS AND EVERYTHING wow was that so cool to see… The fans are super in unison & it honestly adds such a new level of energy to the experience.

SINGING !! Of course, since all these fans are Korean, they can actually sing all of these songs at concerts, unparalleled to international fans lol. One really cool moment at DAY6 that I will probably remember forever simply because this song is gorgeous & means a lot to me… but at day 1 of DAY6’s ‘The Present’ xmas concert series, Wonpil said “We’ve been on world tour for a while now and I’ve been wanting to try this out… if I play this song, can you sing for me?” and of course we all unconditionally said yes. And he started to play 그렇더라고요 on the keyboard & the ENTIRE AUDIENCE caught on immediately & we all sang the entire intro & first verse together in unison, as loud as we could, as the members joined in one by one w/ their own instruments, just watching us as we SANG FOR THEM. It was so cute & we even did it again with 장난 아닌데. This sort of stuff…. Wow…. Can only really happen at a domestic concert, which was honestly so so so beautiful. I LOVED IT!!!

No crazy, constant screaming during every part of the performance. Fans in Korea honestly only scream when necessary… ya feel? Sometimes at concerts, I feel like fans are just screaming at the top of the lungs the entire time, during every second of a song. But Korean fans chant when there is a chant, and cheer & scream when it really fits the situation. I really liked this more toned-down atmosphere from the Korean audiences.

I think that’s all I can really narrow down from my various experiences at Korean concerts compared to the ones in America… It really is quite different though, and I feel so honored to have witnessed this comparison countless times. I am really just honored to be there at those moments in general.

Which brings back around to this… upgraded level of connection towards my artists. After seeing so many of them in person and more than once for that matter, when listening to their music now… something definitely sounds different. When I listened to these artists before I saw them right in front of my eyes, their real, authentic voices blasting into my ears, I still felt moved, I still felt goosebumps, choked up, a bulging affection sometimes. And not that I have lost those feelings, no, definitely not. Now… now, when I listen to these artists through my earbuds or through my laptop… I can literally hear them in my ear. Does that even make sense? Well, duh… of course I can hear them. But like… it’s like… I can hear them on a much more intimate level than ever before. Now, I can really imagine & sense these voices in my head. I can pick up the sound of their breaths, picture their expressions, and really just HEAR their voices as if they were physically singing into my ear right there in that moment, in person. It’s such a peculiar and special and unique feeling that is honestly so hard to describe with just words…

But to be honest like… to this day I still cannot wrap my head around everything. I can barely count and keep track of all the artists I saw and when I saw them and what they sang. I feel like SO MUCH happened that my mind can barely grasp it all, as much as it wants to do so so badly… I still can barely comprehend it… years ago I would cry to Sam Kim, ponder how amazing he would be live… and then literally somehow, he sang two songs like 7 feet in front of me, and even sat right next to me. I thought Fromm was a goddess from another world: but I somehow got to talk to her & even take a selfie?? What?? I thought the world would never let me see Roy who always has his school life to manage as well…. But I got to see him live 5 times?? And even go to his solo concert?? WHAT??????? HOW????????? YOU GUYS, I could honestly go on and on and on because it still all feels like a dream…

In particular with Roy Kim… I say this to myself all the time, the irony is just… wow. Who would’ve known that after years of watching countless fancams, effortlessly memorizing his scarce yet existent fanchants, also memorizing set-lists without even trying, becoming all-too-familiar with things like the way he talks, addresses the crowd, sings specific songs, even all the way down to the way he does adlibs for certain songs… I unknowingly picked up & knew these performance aspects SO WELL through pure admiration, enthusiasm and just LOVE for every song he sings. And who would’ve known, that years later, I would have my very own fancams to cry over. After years of literally watching almost EVERY fancam of him on youtube, at all the various events he performed at, some years more frequently than others, today I can proudly say that I have my very own fancams of him, too. Ohmygosh, it’s still so hard for me to believe…

It really just….. *breathes deeply & tries to recollect self for the 24980164th time*…. It just goes to show… No, okay I don’t really know what it goes to show… But one thing is a fact: loving, cherishing, being thankful for, dedicating so much of my emotional & mental strength towards these seemingly-no-one artists has paid off tenfold. No, billionfold. I don’t even know. I just…. I just never thought I could do and see and hear and experience the things that I did. Never. These people…. These people have given me so much, and although I tucked them deep into the folds of my heart for years, I never thought I could truly open up these treasured feelings one day & TRULY support them with my very own eyes & ears & heart. IN person. I am just so so so blessed. So thankful. Really. Always.

Now, it’s time to bring myself to reality & to think about what this means for me going forward. I don’t want to believe in my passion for my music as a phase: Infinite & all things K-pop wasn’t simply a phase for me. It literally was a maturation, a self-realization, a loss of support for the things I never really knew or understood until time started to pass. I don’t think I grew out of K-pop. I think I simply grew with K-pop & got to understand more about it. And with that understanding came a change of heart. Which is literally the title of my post from years ago: “why I fell out of love with K-pop”. It’s not just “Oh, I am older now. So, I don’t want to like this seemingly childish stuff”. No, it was never about K-pop’s image or whatever. I can’t emphasize more, but it always comes down to the music for me.

Infinite has been and is a piece of my life that I will never forget. A piece of my life that has literally brought me to where I am today. I sit here, with my experiences and knowledge and feelings, in part, due to Infinite. I can guarantee anyone that much. And so, no, they really weren’t just a phase. Things change, people grow older, time flows. That’s just how it works. Does my heart ache over old K-pop like every day? Hell yeah it does LOL. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I can only thank old & 2nd-gen K-pop for the amazing memories that it has given me.

And so, with my music and my artists today, is this all a phase? Will I stop being as enthusiastic years later, like I did with Infinite? You see, with Infinite, I was always apprehensive. At the age of 12, I KNEW that time would eventually take its toll & my blatant love would not necessarily transcend the years that will drag on in the future. But that never made my appreciation for them dim: it only grew stronger as the days went by. I think I am always apprehensive. I think I always fear losing the feelings that I feel with great passion & love at this moment in time. Just as Roy says, 영원한 건 없지만. Nothing lasts forever (but...). I literally think about this all the time. It is such an important concept to me, and it is how I motivate myself to be thankful for everything and everyone and to just take things one step at a time. And so, to really answer my question: is this all just a phase?

I really, honestly, hope… No, I just think not. I really do not think so. At the age of say, 24, five years from now, will I still be loving Roy & Sam & DAY6 & Fromm & everyone else? I really honestly hope so. For as long as they can make music, I can keep loving them, right? Just as Infinite has done since I was 11, 8 years ago, up until today, I firmly believe that my artists can continue this long-lasting impression on my life. They instill a sort of magic & sentiment in my life that almost nothing else in this world can do for me. And for that, I will stay grateful for & only hope for the best.

Roy is currently back in school right now, finishing up his last semester before he finally gets to graduate! I am excited and proud and a bit sad all at the same time. But honestly, it really just comes down to the humanness of these people. When I first saw Infinite back in 2013 as a lil 14 year-old, I guess you could say I was starstruck. I was like “that’s them??!?? Those dudes ive spent countless hours watching through the computer screen?????? THEY ARE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME?”. I had similar thoughts at the LA K-pop Festival in Apr. 2014 when I saw many many many of the big, og k-pop groups at that time. It was hard to believe that these people are real. I would say that my experience with the “With Antenna” in LA concert back in Sept. 2017 made me come to this important realization. That was the first concert where I actually spent the entire time sitting down and just listening. Listening to these wonderful musicians playing their instruments & singing gorgeous songs & just absorbing all that godly magic in the air at that place in time.

I really got to feel how human artists are at the end of the day. K-pop is always built up to be this larger-than-life dynamic, but real artists… No, they’re so much more different. They are simply people, like you and me, with a passion for their music & they wish to share that passion with the rest of the world. That’s it. The sincerity & genuineness that goes into my artists’ music can literally be felt from all the way across the world, just through a few audio snippets, fancams, and grainy Instagram videos. And that is seriously so beautiful. They are so amazing at what they do, they truly are.

Roy’s last two songs from 2018 were purely love song ballads, and I am not complaining or anything. As solid and classic as these tracks were, I still miss that acoustic, healing tone from him. Before he left for school again, he mentioned several times that he wants to come back with music that will console listeners. I was honestly so genuinely happy to hear this. He knows, he honestly, really does. He has even said it before, but he knows that his music can literally lift people back up from the dead. He wants to do that for them. For you and me, who struggle in life when the going gets rough, he wants to be of some sort of help, no matter how minuscule. He knows, he really does. And that is just so beautiful. I am so proud of him & I can’t wait to see what he will have in store for us in the coming months (after his grad, that is).

To all my artists that made these 4 months feel like a literal dream: Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Sincerely. Thank you. Always.

늘 고마워요.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON CELESTE’S MAIN DANCE, VOCAL SEO YOOJUNG...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Holly CURRENT AGE: 23 DEBUT AGE: 19 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 15 COMPANY: 99 SECONDARY SKILL: N/A

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): Baby Doll, Yooj. INSPIRATION: BoA and Lee Hyori are arguably her biggest influences and have been equally mentioned in her earlier days following Celeste’s debut. She cites their magnetic stage presence and an electric kind of charisma that is hard to replicate. On a lesser frequency, Yoojung credits her older sister, Yuna, for her encouragement and how she wouldn’t have had the courage to audition without her support. She has also named Beyoncé and Ariana Grande as her current inspirations. SPECIAL TALENTS:

Boy group dances / freestyle dancing

Flexibility - the limbo queen

Drumming - self-taught and learned on a whim back when she was 16 and bored with the likes of piano and synth keyboards. she’s by no means a pro, but she’s quite good at it

NOTABLE FACTS:

a SOPA graduate, chose to defer university in order to dedicate all of her time to training and preparing for Celeste’s debut. has decided to forego university completely to focus on her career.

has an older sister, Yuna, who has gained notoriety for her versatility as an actress and for her beauty; twin older brothers (Hajoon is currently a pediatric cardiology resident at Seoul National University Hospital, and Taejoon is currently serving in the 707th Special Mission Battalion); and a younger sister, Yumi, a third year high school student.

possesses raw, unpolished talent in fashion designing. often reveals snapshots of her original designs on instagram when seoul fashion week rolls around.

known to be friends with some choreographers affiliated with a renowned dance studio in seoul. she has also appeared in some youtube dance cover videos.

a lover of tangerines and clementines. devoted fans have taken to gifting her some at fansigns just to watch her smile sweetly in gratitude. she has once mentioned offhand that her grandparents owned a tangerine farm in jeju island during an interview and stated that she often misses tangerine picking, something she used to do as a child during summers. 

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

Celeste’s first win, garner more individual exposure and be recognizable and marketable on her own, build her portfolio by making waves and being booked for fashion magazines, get 99 ent. to allow her to have her own youtube channel to upload dance covers and original choreography / to connect with fans by showing them short behind the scenes videos showcasing her daily life offstage.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

Venture into fashion/modeling (cf), diversify into being acknowledged as a trendy fashionista and booked for cfs (particularly with beauty and makeup brands or be a brand ambassador, potentially retire in five years from being an idol and launch her own fashion brand.

IDOL IMAGE

GIRL INTERRUPTED.

there’s always this peculiar, flip-flop kind of duality that keeps the fans split on which side of yoojung they prefer.

some like holly, who burns up the stage with her charisma—it’s probably that little bit of grit, a hint of danger; rebellion all wrapped up in a slender body and in the curve of her lips.

others like her off-stage more. likes yoojung, who dotes on fans, collects fan letters and small gifts, signs autographs until her fingers cramp. the girl who treats those who raised her up and put her on a pedestal with the kind of reverence that radiates from within. gratitude and whole-hearted sincerity pouring out of her in weekly vlives and instagram postings. her diehard fans praise her for her generosity and altruism and, sometimes, it is enough to make some people second guess who she really is.

.

when celeste debuts, they tell her to be sweet. innocent. so she bursts on stage with a sunny smile and moon crescent eyes. she doesn’t so much as ignite on stage as she does explode, with the kind of passion only young girls who have dreamt of singing on stage to an ocean of lightsticks and a crowd of devoted fans screaming her name possess.

it doesn’t take long for her fans to fall in love with an illusion.

to them, yoojung is soft peals of laughter, shy eye contact with fansite masters before the cameras start recording performances, and an endearing awkwardness that fans noted during fansigns. they watch her bloom when fans gift her small trinkets and letters. watch her eyes light up and water, smile half shy, half sugary in an attempt to comfort crying fans who have come a long way to see her. they watch her high-five and hold hands, sign autographs, photobooks and albums as the years pass by and the protectiveness only grows.

to them, yoojung is a shy, innocent flower who has so much love to give, who shines as soon as the stage lights flicker on and the cameras roll. a young girl on the cusp of womanhood. a flower not yet in full bloom.

when 99 ent. starts sending her on variety shows, she does as she’s told and charms her way through probing questions, laughs at lame jokes, and lets herself be coaxed into spilling stories and spoiling comebacks. on air, she lets her shyness become her shield. lets it transform her into someone a little less out of reach, more human, likable. lets the hosts and the fans spin an image worth a thousand words for them to eat up.

two years later and the shy baby doll image begins to eclipse her, just as celeste struggles to find their footing as other girl groups forge ahead. yoojung realizes that she still hates being second best and not being good enough. realizes she’s no longer content, doesn’t want to settle anymore.

twenty-one and yoojung opens her eyes. blooms.

her metamorphosis begins small: she starts speaking up a little more; her voice louder, no longer pitched soft at a whisper; her eyes colder, posture straighter; starts subtly challenging hosts with perfectly timed comebacks to joking jabs and scripted prodding.

soon, her fans note how she’s begun to take initiative, remarking on her growing up, maturing from a shy girl to a young woman who has realized her potential, confidence gained along the way.

all the while, her shy, too sweet persona corrodes as the bitterness and envy begins eating her up inside. like this, yoojung vows to cast away the image that has begun to outgrow her, warping her into something—someone—she no longer recognizes or wants to acknowledge.

it only backfires when her newfound confidence is perceived as arrogance. earns her an article or two from variety show appearances she makes, photos of her biting her lip or staring a little too hard (she wasn’t wearing her contacts that day, everything and everyone was a little blurry. her squint coming off as a glare without context) at the hosts make their rounds. it’s not serious enough to warrant a witch hunt or for her to be publicly crucified, but it garners minor backlash and 99 ent. starts benching her from variety shows when antis blow up gossip sites commenting on her change in attitude and condemning her for daring to act above her station. in the wake of criticism, 99 ent. makes her apologize and sends her back to image training classes and encourages—demands—her to dial back a little. to reflect.

in the months that pass as yoojung bites her tongue and lies low, celeste comes back and goes just as quietly, their impact lukewarm at best. their popularity neither progressing in waves or regressing in a downward spiral. they simply exist, stalled at a precarious middle-ground. with the public’s attention on the likes of cherry bomb!, jawbreaker and aurora, her attitude scandal slowly gets buried, snuffed out by bigger, brighter news sensations.

all the while, under lock and key, the innocent flower of yesteryear withers and in its place is eve biding her time.

GONE GIRL.

when 99 ent. sits her down again after announcing celeste was undergoing another image change, one that would mirror heaven’s safely sexy roots, yoojung smiles, realizing her time has come.

because pretending is easy. using what she has easier.

they don’t tell her sex sells in as many words. instead, her stylists start picking outfits that lean a little more daring, a little more risque. plunging necklines and shorter hemlines do nothing but accentuate how much her body has developed. if she were kinder and more naive like she had been walking through the doors for her audition, yoojung might’ve balked at the subtle encouragement to flaunt her body for views, for likes, for the sake of popularity.

but yoojung is no longer there. that last bit of innocence she’d held onto all those years gone after years of toiling with her girls, struggling to find their footing in an industry that banishes second bests and nugus as easily as rookies were made.

older now and wanting to finally shine, she can’t afford to linger somewhere mediocre any longer.

so she welcomes the subtle shift in image, the change in sound, the quiet sacrifice she makes for a chance to propel herself to the top.

and holly she becomes.

she is bold red lipstick and sultry stares decked out in short skirts, fishnets, and sky high heels.

the baby doll—confident, daring, deceptively sweet. a living, breathing rose with thorns.

IDOL HISTORY

baby’s breath.

her parents already have their hands full with three children by the time yoojung is born prematurely in the dead of the night.

too small, too sickly, too weak. that’s her designated first impression.

she might not make it, the doctor tells her mother quietly as the nurses swaddle her in blankets and whisk her away to be saved.

her mother cries, but nods in resignation, hands folded and head bowed in a prayer.

(hours later, yoojung fights her way into recovery. a natural-born survivor.)

she takes to growing up like a fish to water. young and oh so eager to learn, yoojung absorbs everything around her like a sponge. always bright-eyed, gummy smiles, and grabby hands, she’s mastered begging to an art form.

attention comes easy when all she has to do is come home with a scraped knee or a bruised elbow. her family dotes, coddles, and loves her to the point of suffocation.

and yoojung basks in it. all the while, running full speed ahead, chasing after her siblings. always subconsciously half a step behind.

anemone.

she’s six when she’s stripped of her status as princess of the seo family when yumi is born. instead of opening up presents, she’s got her eyes glued to the baby girl her mom coos at, all heart eyes, and tender smiles.

her family forgets to wish her a happy birthday amidst yumi’s toothless grins and soft cries for attention.

it’s the first time they forget. (it won’t be the last.)

chrysanthemum.

every year after, she has to share her birthday. share the cake, share the attention. no longer the baby of the family, yoojung is expected to become a role model for yumi. kind, caring, and loving. the kind of sister yuna had been for her.

and soon, gone is the tolerance for temper tantrums. her parents grow stricter, affection a little stale in favor of caring for yumi, who’s sick, weak, and needs a little more love.

go study, yoojung-ah. you should practice with your sister. look, your hajoonie oppa’s going to the library, why don’t you tag along? read some books? yoojung-ah, why can’t you be more responsible like taejoon? yoojung-ah, why can’t you–?

it becomes a mantra of comparisons. broken record after broken record. and yoojung grows to resent how small her presence has gotten in her own home. eclipsed by the shadows of her siblings and rendered just shy of insignificant. invisible. practically a spare.

it hurts.

orchid.

puberty hits her hard, but not ungracefully.

she shoots up like a weed; body slender, the telltale hint of curves hidden beneath laundry soft t-shirts and high-waist shorts.

yoojung’s up to her elbows in grease and dish soap, singing about a romance she never had with her sister manning the cash register at their family restaurant when an opportunity comes knocking.

it’s a business card from a talent scout and an encouragement to participate in an audition.

at 13, she’s never considered being an idol was a viable option for a career choice. traditional and wholly conservative, her parents would never let their daughters parade around in booty shorts and crop tops, singing about playing hard to get with bad boys. but the thought sticks, piques her interest, and keeps her up at night.

let’s audition, yoojung begs her sister.

so, they do.

petunia.

yoojung doesn’t get chosen. yuna does.

she’s the whole package: doe-eyed and girl-next-door, your first love kind of beautiful, a bewitching kind of aura when she plays the piano, and the sweet voice of an angel.

of course, she’s chosen.

yuna’s presence is too bright for anyone not to notice. at 16, she was already turning heads with her soft smiles and gentle demeanor. at her side, yoojung is barely noticeable in all her gangly prepubescent glory–no longer a little girl but not quite a young woman, dangling on a precarious in-between.

she’s not enough, she’s told. not pretty enough, not sweet enough, not talented enough. yoojung bites back a sob when they tell her yuna is. a superstar in the making.

marigold.

her parents are none too happy about yuna becoming a trainee in a well-known entertainment company, but congratulate her all the same. it’s what she wants and as loving as they are, they could not begrudge yuna of her happiness.

with two sons going off to university and their eldest daughter whisked into practice room after practice room, a once lively household dwindles down to something stale and much, much quieter.

yoojung’s left to help out her mother at the restaurant and babysit yumi. her mediocrity in school is noted and becomes a pressure point of tension. she’s not book smart like the twins and yuna. academia, a complete bore to someone who has been languishing in the shadows ever since she turned six years old. not quite here and not quite there. always not good enough. a perpetual almost.

she doesn’t know what she wants. doesn’t know what her dreams are. a life of fame and fortune sounds like a far-fetched dream once upon a time. but that too feels like nothing more than a mirage. close enough to touch but not close enough.

daffodil.

she gets accepted to sopa, starts using her savings on classes at a local dance studio, and fights back.

with practice and a steadfast passion, yoojung claws her way from barely adequate to polished with back-to-back visits to the studio, dancing until she collapsed, panting for breath, adrenaline pulsing beneath her skin. coin noraebangs become her own version of a practice room, singing herself hoarse until she can nail an almost perfect 99 singing tears.

it’s the round of applause in the dance studio after a well-executed choreography routine that becomes her first taste of recognition.

addiction comes easy and yoojung wants the spotlight. wants something to call her own. wants to be good enough. better. the best.

so, she auditions a second time. far from the company her sister is thriving in.

and makes it in.

camellia.

as a trainee, yoojung refuses to pander to ass-kissing and outright bullying, she works to befriend the misfits and the outcasts. forms her own network of has-been’s and second-best’s and molds herself into a leader.

undeterred by harsh criticisms at evaluation and wholly determined, yoojung worked and worked and worked until she thought she could rise above everyone else. the need to outshine, to prove herself, becoming her biggest motivator.

look at me. look at me.

hydrangea.

four years ghost by and yoojung has forgotten what it feels like to dangle on the precipice. competition is fierce and it turns everyone into an enemy in disguise. behind closed doors and in front of mirrors, she practices and perfects the art of smiling with no teeth. eyes a touch cold, backhanded compliments hidden behind words of encouragement and borderline praise, yoojung finds herself shedding her naivete in the corridors of 99 ent., flushing her insecurity down the toilet in between meals, and hiding her fear and anxiety behind a perfect posture and a head held high.

she knows in a cutthroat industry like this that survivors don’t make it to the top without sacrificing a little bit of something.

in yoojung’s case, she sacrifices it all: the once tight-knit bond with her family (now borderline estranged), her network of best fake friends, and her own innocence.

anything for a taste of fame. anything to have something that is hers. all hers.

when celeste debuts and she stands in the spotlight with four other girls (her newfound comrades in a new war to the top), yoojung smiles.

begonia.

they start off cute, girly and yoojung has to grit her teeth through the sugary pop and the teeth-numbing aegyo that belies her desire to break the mold. celeste’s attempt at filling an already saturated market backfires when they’re up against a powerhouse like aurora. they’re not quite as polished and lack the pristine, innocence that the other girls possess. it’s not hard to recognize the moment 99 ent. realizes that too and decides to change tactics, borrowing cute eccentricity off msg’s cherry bomb! and failing yet again.

it’s harder still to find a focus point in a market with so many other girl groups vying for attention. but 99 ent. has never been one to give up on the prospect of challenging the status quo. so they take their notoriety (skives off the poizn’s grittiness, imperial’s versatility, and heaven’s sensual undertones) and channels it into what was to be celeste’s new sound and image: safely risque, quirky sensual with just the barest hint of girl going on mature woman.

it doesn’t work wonders, but it begins garnering them a fuller house and louder cheers. their fanbase grows, slowly but steadily.

they’re not quite at the top (they’re far from it, really). an almost shaky middle of the road.

rose in full bloom.

except middle-ground isn’t exactly where she envisioned her group to be.

for a firecracker like yoojung, she’d expected a gunshot of a comeback. not something lukewarm and almost forgettable with the reign of cherry bomb!, aurora, and the newly reviving jawbreaker.

with no first win in sight, yoojung begins to worry. celeste is all she has. going back to square one or going back home are out of the question. and while a part of her clings to that last bit of hope, believing that 99 ent. has aces up their sleeves, her greed tells her to sacrifice them, to think for herself.

celeste is floundering nearly five years into their debut and yoojung has had enough.

she remembers toiling and trial and errors in the practice rooms all those years ago. remembers worn out shoes and matted hair and sweaty t-shirts. remembers the fire that burned. remembers the goosebumps that rose on her skin at the sound of applause and raucous cheering.

wonders where that girl had gone. wonders if time and consistently not being enough has snuffed the passion right out of her.

wonders if 99 ent. notices. if they can tell that she’s growing restless, greedy.

wonders if anyone realizes the yoojung of the past has died and in her place was someone who only had her own interests at heart, who saw celeste as both ball and chain; a merciless tether tied to her ankle by lingering loyalty and sentimentality and a morbid anchor symbolizing togetherness and mutual struggles.

wonders if it’s time to let go, to let them burn.

wonders if it’s okay to fly free now. solo and on her own. a phoenix rising.