#for anyone wondering the lyrics at top and bottom are from ‘the valley’ by the oh hellos and ‘eight’ by sleeping at last

[tarvastries]

Of Arthur Pendragon and Boromir, son of Denethor II. Of fathers and sons and the pressures put on the latter by the former. Of the weight of expectation that divides them. And of the love that remains in spite of it.

Lord of the Rings | BBC Merlin

[yourewelcomeforbeingmyfriend]

The Ghost of You

Dean x Reader

Summary: The memories of yours and Dean’s relationship still haunts him. 

A/N: This one is SAD y’all. I wrote it for Angst Appreciation Day, but I’m not sure if people are doing it this year, so I’m posting it now. PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS. The story is inspired by the Sam Smith song “Palace.” The lyrics are placed throughout the story. The idea’s been kicking around in my head for months, so I hope you enjoy it as much as you can despite the angst. 

Beta: The wonderful @lastactiontricia “Fuuuuucccccckkkkkk - man you’re twisting the knife here.” and “Well this is fucking heartbreaking.” Also a big thank you to @hannahindie for letting me bounce some ideas about Dean off of you. 

Warnings: Miscarriage and the aftermath of it. Please don’t read this if it would be triggering for you! 

(gif from @canonspngifs)

My head is filled with ruins

Most of them are built with you

Now the dust no longer moves

Don't disturb the ghost of you

Mmm

Every so often, Dean caught it once more – the scent of her perfume as it lingered in the air of the bunker. The floral notes had fused together with the air molecules and would make appearances at the most inopportune of times. They’d dance past his nose as he sat in the library researching lore for the hunt of the week, or as he tinkered with the Impala’s engine in the garage. It was like one of the ghosts they would hunt, only salt and iron couldn’t put this one down.  The most torturous of times was in their old bedroom, where one of his shirts sat. The Led Zeppelin tee had been a favorite of hers to wear to bed, and it still smelled like her. He knew deep down that it was time to wash it and move on. It had been almost a year, after all. But in moments of weakness – like tonight after having a few beers – he found himself sitting on the edge of his bed holding the soft balled up fabric in his hands, allowing himself to be swept away in the memories of her.

They are empty, they are worn

Tell me what we built this for

On my way to something more

You're that one I can't ignore

Mmm

“Your staring is making me self-conscious,” she said without turning from the book she was reading.

Dean had been cleaning his gun at the desk in his room when he noticed her lying on their bed reading. There, on her stomach, in only that Led Zeppelin shirt and her lacy black underwear. With her hair messily gathered up in a bun at the top of her head -she was so beautiful, and he was so caught up in it he had stopped what he was doing.

“I can’t help it. You look so…” he felt a boyish blush come across his face as she looked over her shoulder to him. He had been caught. “You just look so damn gorgeous.”

She gave a faint smile and turned back to dog ear her spot in her book. It was probably a book of poetry or one of the classics that always went over his head. She was smart and cultured enough to read things like that for fun, and he knew he didn’t deserve her. She gracefully pushed herself up from her stomach and shifted to the side of the bed. Her feet dangled delicately as she continued to just stare into his green eyes. They were across the room from one another, yet the whole thing seemed intimate and close.

The mattress beneath her gave a quiet creak as she came to her feet. A slight smirk danced across her lips as she took slow, deliberate steps towards him. Without consciously telling himself to do so, he turned his body in his seat to face her more. As she approached him, she straddled his legs.

Her hands began to explore the familiar hills and valleys of his broad chest and shoulders, slipping beneath the open sides of his button down and pushing it down his arms. She dragged her hands tortuously back up his arms, past his neck and stubble-covered cheeks, and into his hair. He involuntarily shut his eyes and leaned his head back into her palms. Her hips gave the slightest thrust forward, just enough to cause the tension that was already growing in his pants to increase and for him crave more. She began trailing kisses up from his neck to his lips.

“Damn, babe,” was all he could manage as they came up for air. He’d seen this side of her many times before, but every time it happened, it still drove him insane.

She looked down at him with a devilish smirk. “Sam’s going to be out for a few more hours, you know.”

No, he definitely didn’t deserve her.

I'm gonna miss you

I still care

Sometimes I wish we never built this palace

But real love is never a waste of time

Mmm

She had been in the bathroom for almost an hour now. She had been feeling sick for weeks, and was only on this hunt with him and Sam now because she fought tooth and nail for it. After the simple salt and burn, they were resting for the night in another dingy motel room. Sam had gone out to get food not too long ago, and the quietness of the room made Dean notice her absence.

“Y/N? Are you okay, babe?” he said with a light knock on the bathroom door. “Did you fall in?” he gave an amused chuckle and looked around for someone’s approval, only to be met with the empty room.

She opened the door while he was still mid-chuckle. Her face was painted with shock and hints of confusion. She stood in front of him staring up, searching those familiar green eyes.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

She said nothing, simply grabbed his hand and placed something in it. He looked down at the white stick with a tiny screen that simply stated “Pregnant.”

“You’re -?” he couldn’t form the rest of the sentence. The whole room suddenly felt like it was a thousand degrees. The collar of his shirt felt constricting around his neck and he felt the sweat beginning to bead.  

“Yeah,” she nodded slowly and rolled her bottom lip under her teeth. She watched him for a few moments longer. He continued to stare at the stick in his hands. “Well, are you going to say anything?”

“This – this is…” he let out a heavy breath. His mind was swimming.

Her face fell. “You don’t want this,” she shook her head and pushed past him, making her way to the bed.

“No it’s not that,” he turned and followed her. “It’s just a surprise is all.”

“Really?” she looked back up at him.

He dropped to his knees in front of her, “Really.”

Yeah I know just what you're saying

And I regret ever complaining

About this heart and all its breaking

It was beauty we were making

Mmm

But, truthfully, it was that. He didn’t want this. As he lay in bed at night staring up at the ceiling, her body tucked in close to his, he thought about it. It made him sick to his stomach to think about how happy Y/N was for this baby and he wasn’t. The glow she had now as she walked around the bunker, it was enchanting. But every part of him felt awful for not wanting this baby.

He thought he had wanted kids back when there was the possibility that Ben was his. He was so disappointed that he wasn’t the father. But that was before literally stopping the apocalypse, before the end of the world, before dying and seeing his brother die. There was too much darkness in this world. Too many monsters and demons and even angels with vendettas against him that could use his child as a way to exact revenge. He was already dancing on the edge having Y/N in his life. Anyone could use her to get to him.

He wished this baby wasn’t happening. Bile crept up his throat at the thought of the unspoken words, and he hated himself for them.

It had been eighteen weeks along in the pregnancy now. Y/N was still so excited and glowing. “You know, the baby’s now the size of one of these,” she held up the bell pepper she was beginning to cut into to show Dean. “Isn’t that crazy?”

Dean simply smiled. Despite all his reservations about the pregnancy, seeing the woman he loved so excited for it made him happy. “I wonder if he has seeds, too,” he joked.

“Excuse you, but it’s a girl. I’m sure of it.” She pointed the knife at him as she spoke, a confident smile lighting up her face.

Dean twisted his own into a questioning frown. “Mmm… I’m not so sure. The Winchesters are all men. That’s just the way it is.”

Y/N rolled her eyes and turned back to her pepper, smile still gracing her features.

And I know we'll both move on

You'll forgive what I did wrong

They will love the better you

But I still own the ghost of you

Mmm

“Dean, come in here,” Y/N’s voice was loud, but shaky as it called him from down the hallway. “I think something’s wrong.”

At her last words, Dean sprung up from his seat in the library and ran to their bedroom. When he turned to look in he made eye contact with Y/N before she immediately doubled over in pain.

“Something’s wrong,” she said again through tears.

He ran over to her to hold her up. “Let’s get you to the hospital,” was all he could think to say.

The drive to the hospital took forever, it seemed. Y/N was in extreme amounts of pain and her tears would not stop coming. She let out a tearful groan with every red light they hit. Dean’s heart was breaking even as it threatened to beat out of his chest. When they finally arrived at the hospital, a seasoned emergency room nurse brought them back to a room. And there they waited. Y/N’s pain had either subsided or she had run out of tears.

“Everything will be all right, babe,” Dean said as he held her hand. His thumb gently rubbed circles over the back of it.

She said no words, only gave a sniffle as she lay on her back and stared at the ceiling. He was sure she was still in a great amount of pain, but the tough nature he loved so much about her had taken over and stopped her from crying.

The doctor came in to check on her. He was silent for a moment as he collected his thoughts. The words he needed to say were not easy to say or hear. “Your cervix is fully dilated, Y/N, like you’re about to give birth.”

Y/N looked at the doctor then to Dean. Dean was the one who found words first.

“Well, can’t we un-dilate it?” he asked.

The doctor gave a sympathetic frown. “It’s not that simple. There’s not a way to reverse it,” he paused for a moment, thinking again, “and the baby can’t survive outside the womb at this stage of development.”

Realization hit the two of them like a speeding train. “Are you saying that –” Y/N began, tears welling in her eyes.

The doctor gave a solemn nod. “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing else that can be done.” He stood from his seat, “I’ll get the nurse to give you some meds and set you up for the D&C.”

And with that, he took his leave, leaving the two of them in suffocating silence. The only sound filling the room were Y/N’s tears. Dean sat there in shock.

“I’m sorry, Dean,” she said between sobs.

His attention was pulled back to the room and to her. “What?” he brushed the hair off her forehead. “What do you have to be sorry about? None of this is your fault, you hear me? None of this is your fault.” He wiped the tears from her cheek.

The rest of the day was a blur for the both of them. Y/N’s purposefully so, thanks to the drugs that she was given for the D&C, while Dean’s was from the sheer surrealness of the situation. Forced to leave her side and sit in the waiting room as the procedure happened, he was faced with his own thoughts.

He had wished for this. Every night as he lay in bed staring at the ceiling, he had wished this baby wasn’t actually happening and now it wasn’t. The worst part was that Y/N blamed herself. He felt the bile rise up his throat again and he ran to the bathroom to vomit it up.

When he was finally able to join her again, she was standing in her hospital gown, blood dripping at her feet. “You were right, it was a boy,” she said flatly. Her eyes were distant and red from crying.

Dean had never hated being right so much in his life.

I'm gonna miss you

I'm still there

Sometimes I wish we never built this palace

But real love is never a waste of time

They were never the same after that. He would find her sitting in the room they had set aside for the nursery, just holding baby blankets or onesies that they had begun to stockpile. She would cry. She would cry so much it pained him. He knew she still blamed herself, no matter how many times he told her it wasn’t her fault.

He withdrew, too. The shame that filled him for wishing this baby away. For wishing his son away. He thought of all the magic he’d seen in his years of hunting. Maybe some of that magic had rubbed off on him, allowing his wishes to come true. He would have given up his right arm to have it be any other wish besides this one. Sometimes he would stand in the bathroom alone and cry as silently as possible in front of the mirror for a few moments before splashing his face with cool water and heading back out again. He had to be strong for her. Other times, his anger would eat at him so much he would eventually just destroy the nearest object or punch the closest wall to vent his frustrations. An innocent desk chair was his most recent victim.

They began to sleep apart an inch at a time. No longer closely held together for warmth. Her grief didn’t allow her to seek it and his shame would tell him he didn’t deserve the comfort. One night led to two, which led to a week. Those weeks turned to a month which ran into more. Dean would give a quiet “good night” as he turned off the bedside lamp, she would only turn her back to him and silently cry. He knew the tears were there, he could hear the quiet sniffling in the dark, but he couldn’t help her. He was trapped in his own, quiet hell.  

In the meantime, though, Y/N had thrown herself into hunting. Almost recklessly so. On one hunt, she went after a werewolf alone. Thankfully, she was able to hold her own, but Dean couldn’t hide his anger. Another time she decided she was the best vampire bait and let herself get taken back to their hideout. Once again, she came out unscathed, but Dean was furious.

“You can’t just do that, Y/N!” he yelled outside the dilapidated barn where they had just killed the vampires.

Her bright y/e/c eyes shone through the blood spatter that covered her face. Was that a hint of madness he saw? “Why not? I’m totally fine.” This wasn’t the real her. It wasn’t the woman he fell in love with.

“But next time you might not be fine!”

“I don’t really care about that, Dean!”

That night the crying stopped. She had moved past it and onto something else. This recklessness that she had, this new found passion to catch and kill every monster out there, it worried Dean. Instead of stopping her, he shut down. No more quiet “good nights” before turning off the light.

She felt the chasm between them growing, but she couldn’t stop it. He clearly didn’t want to fight for her and the only way she knew how to fight for herself was through hunting. Out of all the unknown and muddled thoughts that rattled around in her brain, one was certain: she could no longer stay with Dean at the bunker.

She called Donna and arranged to stay with her and help her hunt. As she packed her bags, the thought of leaving Dean came crashing down on her. Sobs began to wrack her body. Everything they had gone through together over the years. The loss they shared. The loss that tore them apart. It was all brought to this ending. An ending vastly different than the one she saw mere months ago.

“What’s going on?” Dean said as he came into their room to find her packing.

Y/N sniffed hard and turned to face him. She gave a deep inhale before saying what she needed to say. “I’m going to hunt with Donna.”

Dean took a moment to process her words. “Okay, when do you think you’ll be back?”

“I don’t think I’ll be back, Dean,” she sighed. “I mean I’m staying with Donna.”

It was then that Dean noticed her tear-stained cheeks and the true meaning behind her words. He knew there was no stopping her. He was tired from all the blame he buried himself under the last few months. His grief made him unrecognizable. The man he was six months ago would’ve fought harder. The man he was six months ago would’ve never let this happen. But, of course, he wasn’t that man from six months ago anymore. Instead he just stood there in silence.

“I wish you’d say something,” her voice croaked out. The crying had wrecked her voice.

He looked up at her with weary eyes and shrugged his arms out to his side. “There’s nothing to say. You’ve clearly made your decision.” His voice was cold.

She rolled her bottom lip under her teeth and gave a slow nod. She looked at the dresser, the wall, the floor; anywhere but at him. She couldn’t stand what was happening. “Yeah, I guess I have,” she sighed as she reached down for her duffel bag.

I'm gonna miss you

I'm still there

Sometimes I wish we never built this palace

But real love is never a waste of time

But real love is never a waste of time

Dean looked down at the shirt he’d been holding as memories of her danced through his brain. He took a sip of the beer he brought into the room with him. He hoped it would steel his courage for what he was about to do. He reached into his pocket for his phone and opened it up to the right name. His thumb hovered over the call button for a moment before deciding to press it.

“Hello?” her voice came through the phone.

“Y/N?” Dean said quietly.

“Dean… what is it?” her voice sounded concerned now. “Is everything all right?”

When he closed his eyes he could picture the furrowed brow she would get when she was worried. “Everything’s fine,” he held a hand out in front of him as if it would help calm her down. “I didn’t mean to worry you.” He dropped his head with a sigh, “I’m not actually sure why I called you, really. I guess I was just thinking about us and what happened and…”

She let out a sigh of her own. “Dean – “

He cut her off, though, “It wasn’t your fault, you know?” she remained quiet on her end. “The baby? It was my fault. I lied when I said I wanted the baby. I wished that the baby wasn’t happening, and then –” he began to choke on the tears that had begun to flow freely. “I wished the baby wasn’t going to happen and then it didn’t happen. It’s my fault. It was all my fault.”

“Dean, that’s not how that sort of thing works,” her tears were evident in her voice, too. “These things happen to people all the time. I see that now.”

“Since when do things in my life just happen?” Dean said indignantly.

She sighed again, “It happens more often than you would think. Like when we met? Two hunters out on the same hunt?” the smile was back in her voice.

He thought back to that day and seeing her for the first time. God, she had looked so beautiful. “I guess you have a point,” he said more calmly. They sat in silence together for a moment. “When are you coming back? Please come back, Y/N.” he practically begged.

Another sigh. “It’s not that simple anymore, Dean.” The smile was gone now. “I’m not hunting anymore. I’ve moved on.”

“Moved on?”

“I’m a secretary at a sheriff’s station. Donna helped me get the job. And I’ve…” she paused for a moment, “I’ve met someone. We’re kind of serious.”

“How serious?” Dean wasn’t sure why he was asking. Each word she spoke felt like a hot knife being stabbed into his chest.

“Don’t ask me that,” she said barely above a whisper.

“I’m just curious,” he lied. “You’re still my friend.”

“I’m…” there was more hesitation. “I’m pregnant.” She was quiet for another moment. “We’re getting married next year.”

The hot knife was now being twisted into his heart. He felt the tears coming back but held them down. “Well, it sounds like you’re getting everything you wanted. That’s great, Y/N.” he forced a smile as if she could see it. “I’m happy for you.”

“Dean, why did you call tonight?”

He wiped away the tear that had slipped down his cheek. “I’m not sure, honestly. I just miss you. I thought I could get you to come back.”

“Dean –”

“But you’re where you’re meant to be,” he interrupted her. “You’re happy now, right?”

She thought on it for a moment, “Yes, I am.”

“Good. Good. That’s what matters most.” Another tear slipped down his cheek. He heard her sniffle on the other end of the line. “Don’t cry, okay? I’m sorry I called. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

More silence. “Okay,” she finally said with a sniff.

“Okay,” he whispered. “I better let you go. It’s late and I’m sure that little one needs rest.”

“Dean,” she swallowed hard, “I really did love you, you know. I loved you so much.”

Another twist of the knife. “I know. I loved you, too.” It was his turn to be quiet. “I’m sorry I didn’t fight for you harder. You deserve the world, though. I hope he gives it to you.”

He could hear her crying on the other end again and he felt terrible. Why did he think he should call her?

“Goodbye, Y/N,” he didn’t wait for her to return the sentiment as he hung up. Guilt, anger, and grief flooded over him like a tidal wave. He threw his phone at the wall opposite him and he watched it shatter.

There was one thought he had had from the moment he met her, and now it was true: he didn’t deserve her. And now he’d never have the chance.

Tags: @pinknerdpanda @wheresthekillswitch @hannahindie @emlostinwonderland @trexrambling @escabell @jensen-jarpad @notnaturalanahi @mrswhozeewhatsis @keepcalmandcarryondean @katymacsupernatural @boxywrites @ellen-reincarnated1967 @ravengirl94 @amanda-teaches @masksandtruths @thing-you-do-with-that-thing @just-another-busy-fangirl @not-so-natural-spn @deanssweetheart23 @feelmyroarrrr @sherlock44 @akshi8278 @supernaturalnco @mogaruke @supernatural-girl97 @hobby27

[thewalkingdeadfanfictions]

T, the Mute, Meets Daryl, the Stupid Redneck Chapter 10 - I Love Daryl?!

****T’s POV****

           “I have seen the rain. I have felt the pain. I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow. I don’t know where I’m going I don’t even know where I’ve been. But I know I’d like to see you again.” Sam sings while we suit up, changing the lyrics of “I Have Seen the Rain” by P!nk to fit. I join in with her singing “Spend our days just searching. Spend our nights in dreams. I’ve stopped looking over my shoulder and I’ve stopped wonderin’ what it means.” At this point all of us are singing “Drop out, burn out, soldier ho-oh they’ve said we should’ve been more. Probably so if we hadn’t of been in this crazy damn Afghanistan war.” There’s a knock at the locker room door followed by Yori yelling “You girls need a new song!” “Well at least we don’t need a new brain like you Yori!” Sam yells back, she likes him but he’s too dense to see it, I was too but she told me about it and asked if we were just dense when it came to “love”. Suddenly I’m not in the locker room anymore but in a clearing aiming my bow at the trees. Daryl comes out of the trees and starts yelling “Son of a bitch. That’s my deer! Look at it. All gnawed on by this…” as he walks over to the walker and starts to kick it adding “Filthy, disease-bearing, motherless proxy bastard!” I look around and notice that I’m back at the first morning of camp as Dale says “Calm down, son. That’s not helping.” Daryl then says while striding towards him “What do you know about it, old man? Why don’t you take that stupid hat and go back to On Golden Pond?” he turns away and starts to pull out his arrows from the deer adding “I’ve been tracking this deer for miles. Gonna drag it back to camp, cook us up some venison. What do you think? Do you think we can cut around this chewed up part right here?” I turn and start walking away realizing that I’ve been staring at Daryl as Shane says “I would not risk that.” Daryl then sighs and says “That’s a damn shame. I got some squirrel, about a dozen or so. That’ll have to do.” But then I hear the walker opens its mouth so I quickly spin around and shoot it in the head at the same time as Daryl does as he asks "Come on, people. What the hell? It’s gotta be the brain. Don’t y’all know nothing?” Without noticing I did so he goes to get his arrow but pauses seeing mine as well. Glenn then looks at me and cheers “T one, walker head zero! T the one stop shop of awesomeness has done it again! If he can’t do it no one can!” I glare at him as the others shake their heads at him. As I walk forward to get my arrow back Daryl pulls his and my arrow from the head, wipes them on the ground, and holds mine out to me. I nod as I take it from him and he asks me quietly “Do you even know what you do to me?” I look at him shocked and shake my head as I hear Sam in the back of my head saying “T I can’t believe you’re still so dense. You love him and he loves you.”

I bolt up and shake my head not believing what I heard Sam tell me. ‘She’s in Europe right now. There’s no way she could know. Besides Daryl would never like someone like me, like that.’ I think before allowing myself to wonder if she and her family were still alive. I look around and notice almost everyone is awake so I stay on top of the R.V. waiting for Rick to organize the search. When the others start coming over to Carol’s Jeep I hop down not bothering with the ladder only to be yelled at by Rick who says “There’s a ladder for a reason.” I ignore him and stand next to Daryl and also ignoring the little voice in the back of my head screaming ‘You love Daryl!’ “All right, everyone’s getting new search grids today. If she made it as far as the cabin Daryl found, she might have gone further east than we’ve been so far.” “Cabin?” I write as Beth’s boyfriend says “I’d like to help. I know the area pretty well and stuff.” “Hershel’s okay with this?” Rick asks Jimmy ignoring me so I give up thinking ‘Karma, you are not my friend today.’ “Yeah, yeah. He said I should ask you.” The boy says obviously lying. “All right then. Thanks.” Rick says believing him, but Shane says “Nothing about what Daryl found screams Sophia to me. Anyone could have been holed up in that cabin.” “Anybody includes her, right?” Andrea asks. “There was drawings signed by ‘Sophia’ in there.” Daryl says, as I look at Andrea questionably as she keeps giving me a weird look. “It’s a good lead.” Andrea says so Rick says “Maybe we’ll pick up her trail again.” “No maybe about it. I’m gonna borrow a horse, head up to this ridge right here, take a bird’s-eye view of the whole grid. If she’s up there, I’ll spot her.” Daryl says as Dale puts the bag of guns on the car. “Good idea. Maybe you’ll see your chupacabra up there, too.” T-Dog says. “Chupacabra?” Rick asks as I tilt my head in question as well now looking at Dale, making a mental note to ask Andrea why she looked at me the way she did. “You never heard this? Our first night in camp, Daryl tells us that the whole thing reminds him of a time when he went squirrel hunting and he saw a chupacabra.” Dale says causing Jimmy to laugh. “What are you braying at, jackass?” Daryl asks him. “So you believe in a blood-sucking dog?” Jimmy asks so Daryl counters with “Do you believe dead people walking around?” so I clap silently, approving of the burn. Jimmy then reaches for one of the guns but Rick stops him asking “Hey, hey. Ever fire one before?” “Well, if I’m going out, I want one.” Jimmy says so Daryl says “Yeah, and people in hell want Slurpees.” Before walking away, giving me a quick glance but quickly looking away and continue walking away when I tilt my head at him.

           I shrug and Jimmy starts to go so Shane says “Why don’t you come train tomorrow. If you’re serious, I’m a certified instructor.” “For now he can come with us.” Andrea says so Shane says “He’s yours to babysit then.” Motioning for Jimmy to come back. “T you’re going with Dale and Jimmy here.” Rick tells me then adds “Shane and I will be here and Andrea, T-Dog you’re here.” They start to get their weapons before we get our “flags” to mark the trees and head out. I opt for just having my knife preferring to be quiet and to be able to move without worrying about my bow getting caught on something.

****Yori’s POV****

           I woke up before Sophia so I get out of the van and lean against it watching the road. A few trucks were approaching so I made sure Sophia was hidden before pretending to look inside the cars. One of the trucks stopped while the others continued on. A guy who give off a bad aura gets out asking “Hey, man you alone?” “Yes. I like it that way.” I reply continuing my pretend search praying that Sophia doesn’t wake up right now. “You sure? We could use a man like you.” He says stepping closer trying to be friendly but failing. “I’m sure, besides I only got one leg.” I say looking at him hiding my emotions. His face turns to that of disgust and says “Just start with that next time.” before getting back in the truck and driving away. “Well that went better than I expected.” I say to myself shrugging before Sophia wakes up. “Yori?!” she calls scared. “Here, outside. Come on, if we want to make it to the farm by dark we have to leave now.” I tell her. She gets out of the van so I walk over and bend down so she can climb on my back again. She does so I start walking towards the farm.

****Daryl’s POV****

           I’m hunting squirrels as I look for Sophia. I see something in the creek so I stop the horse. I get off and tie it to a tree before I slowly my way down the hill to the creek. Getting closer to the thing I notice that it’s Sophia’s doll so I look around calling for her. After a minute or so I climb back up the hill and get back on the horse. Walking a few steps the horse gets scared by birds flying by so I say “Whoa. Easy, easy.” When it calms down I have it start walking again. It goes only a few more steps before a snake jumps out at it scaring it and causing it to buck me off. I roll down a ridge as it runs off. When I reach the bottom, and in the shallow water, I say “Son of a bitch.” Noticing that I’ve been impaled by one of my arrows. I slowly make my way to one of the dry spots and use my knife to rip off one of my sleeves but just rip off the other with my hands. I tie them together then wrap them around my chest to keep the arrow in place. I secure the tourniquet, put my knife back, and look to see that I’ve fallen into a valley. Bushes rustle so I reach for my crossbow but realize it’s not there. I grab a stick and start searching the water for it with it. I finally find it and start making my way up the ridge. I get half way up the ridge and throw away the stick and tell myself “Oh, come on. You’ve done half. Stop being such a pussy.” So I go and grab a rock but it falls and thus causing me to fall and get knocked out when I hit the bottom.

****T’s POV****

           I’ve had this bad feeling for a few minutes now as I follow Dale and Jimmy. But I ignore it as I split off from them when they start heading back as we had the smallest grid. They don’t notice that I split off from them so I look for some tracks. I find horse tracks but no people tracks walker or otherwise. I remember that Daryl took one of the horses from the farm so they must be from that as they are fresh. I shake my head as I suddenly feel happy thinking about Daryl, successfully shaking the happy feeling away. “T, there you are. Dale was worried about you.” Shane says from behind me making me jump. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” He says putting a hand on my shoulder before adding “Come on back to camp, it’s getting late.” His hand makes my skin crawl so I step away from him nodding but looking in the direction Daryl went, thinking ‘T stop…He’ll be fine.’ with that bad feeling rising again. I turn and start walking back to camp without waiting for Shane as I try to ignore the feeling, again.

****Daryl’s POV****

           Waking up a little I see Merle. “Why don’t you pull that arrow out, dummy? You could bind your wound better.” He tells me so I say “Merle.” “What’s going on here? You taking a siesta or something?” He asks so I say “A shitty day, bro.” “Like me to get your pillow? Maybe rub your feet?” He asks so I say “Screw you.” “Huh-uh. You’re the one screwed from the looks of it. All them years I spent trying to make a man of you, this is what I get? Look at you. Lying in the dirt like a used rubber. You’re gonna die out here, little brother. And for what?” He says so I say “A girl. They lost a little girl.” “So you got a thing for little girls now?” He asks so I tell him “Shut up.” But he says “’Cause I notice you ain’t out looking for old Merle no more.” “Tried like hell to find you, bro.” I say but he says “Like hell you did. You split, man. Lit out first chance you got.” “You lit out. All you had to do was wait. We went back for you. Rick, T, and I, we did right by you.” I say. “This the same Rick that cuffed me to the rooftop in the first place? Forced me to cut off my own hand? This him we’re talking about here? You his bitch now?” He asks so I say “I ain’t nobody’s bitch.” “You’re a joke is what you are, playing errand boy to a bunch of pansy-asses, niggers, and democrats.” He says chuckling then adds “You’re nothing but a freak to them. Redneck trash. That’s all you are. They’re laughing at you behind your back. You know that, don’t you? I got a little news for you, son. One of these days, they’re gonna scrape you off their heels like you was dogshit. Hey. They ain’t your kin, your blood. Hell, you had any damn nuts in that sack of yours, you’d go back there and shoot your pal Rick in the face for me. Now you listen to me. Ain’t nobody ever gonna care about you except me, little brother. Ain’t nobody ever will, especially that mute girl. Come on, get up on your feet before I have to kick your teeth in.” Standing up he starts kicking my foot adding “Come on.” shaking me. I wake up more and hear growling I look down and see a walker trying to bite through my boot. I kick its head and reach for my crossbow but it recovers quickly and climbs on top of me so hold it back and punch it twice knocking it over, but it takes me with it so I roll and throw it off. I grab a branch and stand up as it stands up and another starts coming towards me. I take out the closer ones legs, jump on top of it, and start beating its face in with the branch before stabbing it in the head killing it. The other one is coming closer so I rip the arrow out of my side and quickly strain to ready my crossbow. I get it just as it gets to me so I quickly aim and fire hitting it in the head. It falls next to me and I sigh in relief and start panting before passing out again.

Waking up again I sit up and look at the two dead walkers. I then take off my shirt and fold it up and press it on my wound before securing it there with the torn off sleeves. “Son of a bitch was right.” I say picking up my crossbow before getting up and start to skin a squirrel. I eat it before going over to the doll, pick it up, and tuck it under my belt. Then I take the shoelaces off the walkers, cut off their ears, and make a necklace with them. I pause and put T's dog tags in my pocket before putting it on and start climbing the ridge again. I’m almost to the top when birds screech above so I look at them as they circle me. “Please, don’t feed the birds.” Merle says on top of the ridge so I look at him and he starts laughing adding “What’s the matter, Darylina? That all you got in you? Throw away that purse and climb.” “I liked it better when you was missing.” I tell him. Laughing he says “Come on, don’t be like that. I’m on your side.” “Yeah? Since when?” I ask. “Hell, since the day you were born, baby brother. Somebody had to look after your worthless ass.” He says. “You never took care of me. You talk a big game, but you was never there. Hell, you ain’t here now. Some things never change.” I say as I try to find a way to make it the rest of the way up. “Well, I’ll tell you what-I’m as real as your chupacabra.” He says. “I know what I saw.” I say before he asks “And I’m sure them shrooms you ate had nothing to do with it, right? You know what, I think that little mute girl-” “You best shut the hell up!” I yell at him cutting him off, so he says “Or what? You’re gonna come up here and shut my mouth for me? Well, come on and do it them, if you think you’re man enough.” Laughing he adds “Hey, kick off them damn high heels and climb, son.” I start climbing again as he says “If I were you, I’d take a pause for the cause, brother. ‘Cause I just don’t think you’re gonna make it to the top. Come on. Come on, little brother. Grab your friend Rick’s hand.” I make it to the top and pull myself up panting and looking around but Merle is nowhere. So I say “Yeah, you’d better run.” Before making my way back to camp and back to T.

****T’s POV****

           I’m sitting in the R.V. with Glenn, drawing Sam hoping that she was okay. “What’s with the Annie Oakley routine?” Dale asks Andrea outside the R.V. as she went up there when he left. “I don’t want to wash clothes anymore, Dale. I want to help keep the camp safe. Is that all right with you?” she says so Glenn says “And I want to be able to understand women.” I look at him questioning but he adds “You I get, the others not so much.” I shrug as Dale comes in. Glenn looks at him and says “Sorry. Just returning your book.” Pointing to the book in his hands. “Oh, no, I’m sorry.” Dale says picking up the book and tosses it on the table adding “If I had known the world was ending, I’d have brought better books.” Before walking into the back of the R.V. Glenn then gets up and asks quietly “Dale, you think Andrea’s on her period?” Dale holds up a hand but Glenn adds “I’m only asking ‘cause it’s like all the women are acting really weird. And I read somewhere that when women spend a lot of time together, their cycles line up and they all get super crazy hormonal at the same time.” Dale holds his hand up again and says “I’m gonna advise you to keep that theory to yourself.” Before looking at me so I shrug not caring. “Yeah.” Glenn says so Dale asks “Who else is acting weird?” Glenn sits back down and thinks for a minute before saying “Maggie.” “Ah, Maggie.” Dale says knowingly so Glenn starts explaining “She started off being mean to me. Then she wanted to have sex with me. And now she’s being mean to me again. And I don’t even want to know what’s going on with Lori.” “What’s going on with Lori?” Dale asks so Glenn looks at me, I shrug so he says “Nothing. I don’t know.” “All right, let’s take this back a step. How do you know that Maggie wanted to have sex with you?” Dale asks. Glenn just looks at him smiling so Dale says “Oh, son, you didn’t.” Glenn chuckles so Dale adds “Did it ever occur to you how her father might feel about this?” “She’s 22.” Glenn states so Dale says “And he is our host.”  “He doesn’t know.” Glenn says then so Dale says “Well, see that it stays that way. Jesus, Glenn what were you thinking?” “I was thinking that I might be dead tomorrow.” Glenn says sadly before getting up and adding “Thanks for the book. You’re right, it sucks.” Walking out of the R.V. “Walker. Walker!” Andrea then yells from on top of the R.V. so I rush out past Dale as Rick comes up asking “Just the one?” She looks through the binoculars and says “I bet I can nail it from here.” “No, no, Andrea. Put the gun down.”  Rick says as the guys get their weapons and I start walking towards the walker. “You’d best let us handle this.” Shane says so Rick says “Shane, hold up. Hershel wants to deal with walkers.” “What for, man? We got it covered.” Shane says catching up to me. I speed up to get away from him as Rick catches up and does the same. I falter as I see who the walker was. Rick points his gun at him as Glenn asks “Is that Daryl?” “That’s the third time you’ve pointed that thing at my head. You gonna pull the trigger or what?” Daryl says so I start to walk towards him to help him as Rick lowers his gun. Then it happens, almost in slow motion, gunshot, my heart stops as Daryl falls, and I can’t stop myself from screaming “Daryl!” as I run to him.

****Rick’s POV****

           When we get to the walker I point my gun at it as Glenn asks “Is that Daryl?” “That’s the third time you’ve pointed that thing at my head. You gonna pull the trigger or what?” Daryl says so I lower my gun and T starts walking towards him concern showing slightly on her face. Andrea shoots and T screams his name as she runs to him. She puts pressure on him wound as her face actually showing emotions from affection to fear. Shane and I take him from her as he says “I was kidding.” Before passing out. Andrea and Dale are running towards us as we start heading back. “Oh, my God. Oh, my God, is he dead?” Andrea asks as T silently follows us, obviously fighting with her feelings. “Unconscious. You just grazed him.” I answer Andrea before Glenn says “But look at him. What the hell happened? He’s wearing ears.” I rip them off and say “Let’s keep that to ourselves.” As I hide them. “Guys, isn’t this Sophia’s?” T-dog asks so we pause and look at him.

****Time skip****

           As Hershel stitched Daryl up Shane asks “Where’d you get the doll?” sitting in a chair in the room as I sit by the bed with the map. “I found it washed up on the creek bed right there. She must have dropped it crossing there somewhere.” He says pointing to the area before holding the rag to his head again. I look at Shane and say “Cuts the grid almost in half.” “Yeah, you’re welcome.” Daryl says. “How’s he looking?” I ask Hershel. “I had no idea we’d be going through the antibiotics so quickly. Any idea what happened to my horse?” Hershel says finishing up and washing his hands in the bowl of water. “Yeah, the one who almost killed me? If it’s smart, it left the country.” Daryl says. “We call that one Nelly, as in nervous Nelly. I could have told you she’d throw you if you’d bothered to ask. It’s a wonder you people have survived this long.” Hershel says walking towards me before he adds “Go now. He needs to rest a bit.” Shane and I nod and leave the room.

****Daryl’s POV****

           Shane and Rick leaves so Hershel turns to me and says “It’s not my place to say this-“ “Then why are you?” I ask angry cutting him off, my heart aching as I keep hearing T scream my name. He glares at me and asks “Do you still hear her scream for you?” I look at him shocked so he says “T, she’s a strong girl but right now she’s not. She was slapped in the face with her feelings for you the moment Andrea shot you.” “What you getting at?” I ask angry again. “Daryl, you got past her walls without her even knowing. Just like she did with you. Don’t deny it, I’ve seen how you look at her. Now…you need to tell her how you feel.” He says sternly before leaving. I debate for a while trying to figure out how to tell T I love her.

****T’s POV****

           I was walking in the woods after Rick told me Daryl would be fine, needing to be alone. ‘Sam, if you can hear me somehow, I just want you to know that you were right. I’m dense when it comes to love. It took him almost dying for me to accept the fact that I loved him. Though you’re still wrong when it comes to him liking me.’ I tell her in my head hoping she could hear me. A branch breaks behind me so I quickly turn around my hand ready to grab my knife. Rick comes out and says “There you are. Dinners about done, Carol asked me to find you.” I nod and follow him back.

           Glenn, Maggie, Beth, Jimmy, and I all have to sit at the “kids” table. We’re all eating when Glenn suddenly asks “Does anybody know how to play guitar?” I sigh but he ignores me as he adds “Dale found a cool one. Somebody’s got to know how to play” Everyone is silent till Patricia says “Otis did.” “Yes, and he was very good, too.” Hershel tells her before everyone starts eating again. I get up and go look for it then no one noticing that I left. As I’m looking I see something coming down the drive. I walk closer and they stop and put something down. The something is a child that runs to me limping and crying. “Sophia.” I say breathless as she runs into me hugging me. “Glad I get a welcome back too.” Yori says faking hurt as he comes closer. “Yori?” I ask not believing it. He nods as he smirks saying “You didn’t think I was dead now did you? You should know by now that I’m awesome!” I shake my head at him as I hug him. Suddenly Yori asks “Who’s this Daryl Sophia keeps telling me about?” Sophia laughs as I look at him in shock. “Well, come on girls and point him out to me.” He says before grabbing mine and Sophia’s hand dragging us to the house. Sophia keeps laughing as I dig my feet in the ground which only caused Yori to pull me forward and pick me up before holding me under his arm. I curse myself for being so light as he keeps walking without hindrance.

****Daryl’s POV****

           The door opens so I look and see that it was Carol so I pull the blanket up as she asks “How are you feeling?” before setting the tray on the bedside table. “As good as I look.” I tell her so she says “I brought you some dinner. You must be starving.” I turn a little to look at her then at it and she leans in and kisses me on the head. I look at her before saying “Watch out. I got stitches.” She pauses before saying “You need to know something.” I look at her so she adds “You did more for my little girl today than her own daddy ever did in his whole life.” “I didn’t do anything Rick, T, or Shane wouldn’t have done.” I say so she says “I know. You’re every bit as good as them. Every bit.” Before leaving.

           A few minutes go by before a door slams open and a guy yells “Is this yours?” “Sophia!” Carol yells as Sophia yells “Mom!” I get out of bed and slowly make my way to the stairs. When I get there everyone is hugging Sophia and thanking the guy who has T tucked under his arm just hanging there. She’s not struggling so I look closer at the guy and see the resemblance between the two while remembering the drawing she made of him. He’s looking around at everyone and suddenly looks up at me. He studies me a bit before smirking and putting T down he says “Name’s Yori and I’m related to that thing.” pointing at T who smacks him like she does Glenn. I then turn and go back to the room. A few minutes go by and the noise dies down. Then the door to the room opens as Yori says “You must be Daryl.” “What do you want?” I ask him annoyed as he shuts the door walking into the room. His face changes from friendly to threatening as he asks “Do you love my sister?” I don’t say anything and look at him daring him to try something. “Look, I just don’t want her to get hurt.” He says friendly again. “Neither do I.” I counter so he accuses “She’s not some toy you can just throw away when it gets boring or when it is broken.” “I know that!” I yell angry causing him to say “You don’t.” I go to say something but he holds up a hand and adds “I know she hasn’t told you so I’m going to. When she was ten and I was already in the army our parents were murdered in front of her. The people responsible then took her and sold her into sex slavery. She was there for two years before she managed to escape. She was half dead when she walked into the E.R. and was in the hospital for a year. She then trained and joined the military when she was eighteen. We were in Special Forces for a year before I lost my leg and she decided that others came before her. A year goes by before she ends up getting captured. She sliced her own throat to prevent them from using her to get to the others. She can’t forget anything she hears, feels, or sees and she can copy it exactly, it’s what saved her this whole time.” I look at him shocked so he accuses “Do you still love her?” “I do.” I tell him immediately. He looks at me relieved before saying “Then do me a favor, don’t get killed and tell her you do.” He walks to the door and adds “Also just remember I don’t have any qualms about killing others. Especially those who hurt my little sister.” smiling at me before leaving.

[animalhead]

Top 10 Albums/Songs of 2018

Top 10 Albums of 2018

10. Death Grips - Year Of The Snitch - All I could think about on my first listen of this album was Michael Jackson. It's pure theater, pure performance. Multi-layered and captivating. Metal af.

9. Olafur Arnulds - re:member - For the past couple years I've managed to slip a random soundscape/classical album into my list which I'm sure everyone greatly appreciates. Well, this year is no exception. I'll explain myself again - I live in a noisy-ass, toddler-and-baby world and my brain needs some quiet every now and again. I won't pretend to know the state of modern classical music, or what makes a classical album important today, etc. I'll just say that listening to this album makes me feel good. Olafur Arnulds never fails to give me my space.

8. Ashley Monroe - Sparrow - Maybe the saddest album of the year thematically. I don't know if I've heard a more powerful blend of poetry, soul, and country music. Sparrow feels like a crossover, but a crossover from what to what? Where did she come from? It's like Bill Withers and Carole King secretly raised a kid in Nashville. "Hands on You" is the sexiest jam of the year.

7. John Prine - The Tree of Forgiveness - I think the last time I put John Prine on my Top 10 list, I said that I had a feeling it would be his last album. Thank god I was wrong. I can't remember where I heard this, but someone said that the genius of Prine is that he infuses the absolutely domestic with sacred meaning. It's so true: who else can sing about putting stuff on layaway and taking the garbage out and somehow make it seem like the meaning of love and life? And The Tree of Forgiveness proves that he hasn't lost a single step. Just listen to "Egg & Daughter Nite, Lincoln Nebraska 1967" and then "Summer's End". Laugh, cry, repeat. I will forever love John Prine.

6. Sarah Louise - Deeper Woods - Joanna Newsom has been on hiatus and I've been getting desperate for the sort of ethereal, naturalist root music that she does so well. Luckily I found Sarah Louise, who has a Grace Slick-meets-Joan Baez-meets-Nico thing going on. I'll always be a sucker for stripped down spooky Robert Frost folk, and this one covers all the bases. Haunting. 

5. Remember Sports - Slow Buzz - I actually really liked this album so thanks TZ for recommending it; I wish I had more time with it prior to now.  Lyrically it is excellent - it's unique, vulnerable, smart, and relatable all at the same time. The vocals have that indie Pinegrove guts-exposure that makes it so believable. I would absolutely go to a show and stand in the back in my Violent Femmes t-shirt and nod along unassumingly. That said though, I can't get it out of my head that there is something so heartbreaking about this album - it's world-weary and it dares to ask the universe to give back the prom queen angst and Nick-and-Nora breakup 'sad's that were par for the course before weekly school shootings and nazis part deux. I respect it for that.

4. Mitski - Be the Cowboy - Such great instrumental breakdowns, such strange melodies, such a well-crafted album from start to finish. The way Mitski blends synth with acoustics with electric strings is perfect. She manages to be obscure and 'out there' while simultaneously being so open and accessible; no easy feat.

3. Hop Along - Bark Your Head Off, Dog - Hop Along was a breath of fresh air this year and I think I listened to BYHOD the most of any album. It's light and airy, but cutting and witty also. It plays like a 90s femme alt-rock collection and it's glued together with poignant lyrics. The vocals of Francis Quinlan are fantastic, whose improvised repetition and early indie style rings with the urgency of someone who knows something big is going to happen but can't get anyone to pay attention.

2. Saba - CARE FOR ME - Remember a little album called Good Kid, M.A.A.D City? CFM is the Chicago version. Saba takes you to the honest extremes of his emotion, pulling out raw despair and depression at times and love and hope at other times. No other album this year had me hanging on every word, rooting for the artist throughout the entire track list. To say the album feels like a movie seems to cheapen it, though it has the dramatic peaks and valleys of a blockbuster. No, it's a memoir. Saba treats the listener like a friend, venting and raging on "LIFE", laughing and dreaming on "SMILE", utterly disassembling the music industry on "GREY", and storytelling like a master on "PROM / KING". Listen to this again and then go amend your lists. Oh yeah, Chance is on it.  

1. Snail Mail - Lush - I have a hard time putting my finger on exactly why I loved this album so much this year. Maybe it's the vocals - smooth and swaying, sort of pissed off, sort of disappointed. Maybe it's the space - tracks are minimalist, echoed, and beautifully bare. I tend to lean toward the personality of it all. It feels like Lindsey Jordan is breaking free of something, and that gives the whole album an optimistic, eyes-on-the-horizon vibe that is intoxicating. Top notch album that defined the year for me.

Worst Album of 2018

Decemberists - I'll Be Your Girl - I used to get pumped when a new Decemberists album came out - their stuff was interesting, smart, nerd fuel. These days when they release an album, I only find myself thinking 'ugh just please don't be complete shit'. And this album wasn't exactly that, but it wasn't exactly anything. It's just the last of the crinkled post-its on the bottom of Colin Meloy's weird poem trashcan. There's no real heart or message anywhere. Their last good album was The King is Dead (and it was a really good album), but the band itself is increasingly feeling like Meloy's jackoff mirror. I'm pretty sure he's holding the rest of the band captive in his grapevine garland-draped, all-too-rustic cellar.

Top 10 Songs (that weren't on my Top 10 Albums) of 2018

10. Parquet Courts - "Total Football"  -  "...and FUCK TOM BRADY!"

9. Metric - "Dressed to Suppress"  -  Great track on a really fun album.

8. Natalie Prass - "Short Court Style"  -  Now That's What I Call Music 1,563.

7. Old Crow Medicine Show - "Look Away"  -  OCMS still finding beauty in the rust of the south.  

6. Kanye West - "Ghost Town"  -  Most heartfelt track on a decent, but maybe a little lazy (?) album.

5. Unknown Mortal Orchestra - "American Guilt"  - Making Americans examine our own social presence.

4. Israel Nash - "Rolling On"  -  Big full-bodied sound wall.

3. Courtney Barnett - "Need A Little Time"  -  CB gettin' deep.

2. Leon Bridges - "Beyond"  -  Pure, wonderful love song.

1. Dawes - "Crack The Case"  -  Beautiful. One of the best current singer/songwriters.

Top 5 Players from MTV's The Challenge (so sue me)

5. Sylvia - I don't know why I like Sylvia so much. She headbutted that drunken, cig-smoking mom, Marie. She's just a little firecracker. A fiesty underdog with a lot of heart.

4. Shane - Shane is a self-titled bitch. He's the snakiest, slimiest player there is. He actually threw an entire challenge so that a certain player on his team would be voted out.

3. Wes - Arguably the arch-nemesis of Bananas before Devin came along. Always hatching schemes that are way too complicated and get him thrown out.

2. Devin - The way this dude fucks with Johnny Bananas is hilarious. Someone had to come in and usher out the old heads - Devin is the man for the job.

1. Cara Maria - She's a force and completely independent. She was the first woman to ever win The Challenge solo. She can be a bit cringey sometimes, but she's a beast.