#for anxiety reasons he’s not weird about it. I just think he wouldn’t realize he’s that close.

[squuote]

going off of the concept that the narrator goes from non-physical to physical form, I just think he would be the most clingy guy ever. He has no concept of personal space. He doesn’t get why you wouldn’t want him that close if he was already that close to begin with. What makes the difference now that you can see him. they are standing this close at all times

[norrizzandpia]

Used (LN4)

Summary: A bet can do more harm than good.

Warnings: i dont think ive ever wrote something this angsty, its very sad so be warned, lando is a back stabbing bitch but hes stupidly in love, literally stupidly, insecurities, loss of virginity, major betrayal, sad ending but there will be a part 2 bc as we all know i cant do sad endings

Note: im very sorry for this one

Word count: somewhere in the 4k’s

When Oscar got into F1, Y/n promised herself she wouldn’t follow her brother around the paddock like a lost puppy. With cameras all around and prying eyes, she wanted to come across as independent and strong rather than pathetic and small. For a while, that translated, but it got lonely after a few months. Missing her brother as he was busy doing interviews or creating connections, and losing her parents in the mass of people, she always found herself alone. That was until Lando fully came into the picture. He hadn’t wanted to overstep boundaries with his teammate by befriending his sister, but the boy couldn’t resist when he continued to catch glimpses of her struggle to fit in. She was too young to hang out with any of the racers’ girlfriends, yet too old to hang out with the children of powerful people. She was only 19, still figuring out what life was, why she was here, and what she was meant to do. So, overcoming his own anxieties, Lando approached the girl on a rainy Sunday when the race had been postponed because of the wet weather.

“Can I sit here?” He had said, smiling lightly at her as her head slowly moved up to make eye contact with the popular driver.

She had moved over on the bench, nodding quickly as if she was afraid any time in which he had to wait would set him off.

At first, things were awkward with Lando not knowing anything about her and Y/n being too shy to form any words in front of the boy she thought was cute. Nonetheless, after 20 minutes, words were spoken, and conversing became second nature.

Gradually, Lando felt Y/n warm up to him as she realized the driver was someone she found solace in.

Her first friend in Formula One.

Everyone in the paddock began to take note of the budding friendship quickly evolving between the sister and the driver. While people were happy to see a new connection growing, Oscar was weary. It was no secret Lando had a track record of sleeping around, pretending to be close to women for only one night in order to get what he wanted. The women in question always understood the pattern and never found offense or distaste with it, but Y/n wasn’t that mature, Oscar knew. His sister was still naive and her lack of attention toward media outlets played into her lack of luck as she didn’t realize Lando could be around for all the wrong reasons. Oscar did, though, and he made it incredibly clear to the British boy that any impure advances on his sister were not, and never would be, welcomed.

“You pull any weird shit and I’ll have your head.” He said sternly to Lando in a tone that no one had ever heard come out of the Australian before.

“I’m not going to, Oscar. I’m sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, but we’ve realized we just have so much in common. There’s nothing else behind it, I promise. I just like your sister’s company. That’s it.” He reassured.

And, for a while, that was true. Lando saw nothing else behind their friendship, however, that soon began to change. He noted the way he became so comfortable being touchy with her or giving her impromptu compliments about how pretty she looked that day. Being experienced in that realm of life, Lando also noted the way her cheeks blushed ever so slightly under his eye, and he couldn’t ignore the way his insides twisted at her subtle happiness over him.

They danced around each other and their feelings for some time until a drunken night changed everything. Lando had invited his friends from DJing over, one of those people being Martin Garrix. The men had laid themselves out on Lando’s luxurious couch with beers in hand, chugging away as they gossiped like 13-year-old girls.

The conversation came easily with these people as Martin interrupted and changed the topic to something a bit more interesting, “Lando, I gotta ask. What’s going on with you and Oscar’s sister?”

At this point in their relationship, Lando was still in the stage of denying any deeper feelings for her, “Nothing? What do you mean?”

Martin shook his head as the boys around him knowingly eyed each other, “Come on, you two are definitely sleeping together.”

“No, we aren’t.” He said immediately, not understanding why he had become so invested in protecting Y/n’s image.

Martin’s eyebrows furrowed, “So, you two aren’t sneaking around behind the brother’s back?”

“No,” Lando said firmly, but his defiance on the subject proved to worsen his situation as Martin set his beer down and looked at him with a mischievous look.

“Then, I have a proposition for you.” His arms rested on his knees as he leaned forward.

“What?” Lando mirrored his stance.

“Obviously, you know I have that really big gig next year at The Cabin in New York.” Lando nodded, “Well, if you can get Y/n to fall in love with you, maybe even sleep with her, I don’t know, then you can play it. Play the set at The Cabin.” Martin’s idea made Lando’s eyes bulge out of his head and his body leap from the couch.

The alcohol in his system proved to do its job by impairing his judgment as he didn’t ask questions or try to understand why Martin would get off on playing with someone in that way. All the boy did was scream his agreeance and then excitement for playing at The Cabin in New York.

“YOU ASKED MY SISTER OUT!?” Oscar had screamed in fury at Lando 2 days later.

Putting his hands up, Lando tried to talk down an aggravated teammate, “Listen, Oscar. Listen,” He pleaded, “I didn’t see it coming, really. But, I…” The words felt sour in his mouth as the guilt for what he was about to embark on set in, “I didn’t expect to fall for her, okay? I just did and I hope you’ll trust me enough that I’m not going to play her like I do the others. I wouldn’t hurt you like that and I especially wouldn’t hurt her like that.”

His words seemed to calm the blonde boy as he looked Lando in the eye, trying to decipher if he was being truthful. And, even though he wasn’t, Oscar found Lando’s spewed sentences to be genuine.

“Fine, but, I’m serious, Lando,” Oscar shoved a finger into Lando’s chest, “if you pull anything, I won’t hesitate to find crazy dirt on you and blackmail McLaren into firing you. Trust me, I’m smart enough to ruin your whole career.”

His threats went in Lando’s right ear and out the other because he found his British accent flooding the room they stood in as he said, “I promise, nothing will happen.”

—

“Is there any specific you want for tonight, my love?” Lando whispered against her skin as they lay in his bed, tangled together after a busy morning of meetings and conversations discussing their announcement of their relationship to the public with McLaren’s PR teams.

She breathed against the crook of his neck as she toyed with his shirt, “No, just excited to go out with you.”

He chuckled as he breathed the scent of her shampoo in, “Me too, baby.”

After nearly 3 months, the couple had fallen easily into the norms of a romantic relationship. Having not yet slept together or fully opened up and shown the other dark parts of themselves, they had a long way to go, but, at that moment, the two were content.

Content with having casual dates, hidden under baseball caps and sunglasses to keep from someone seeing them and outing their newfound connection. Content with the star gazing they had scheduled a few weeks back for that night, fulfilling something Y/n had mentioned she wanted to try.

They found themselves lost in the sky, weeds surrounding them as they lay side by side on a thin blanket to separate them from the rough grass beneath. In a quiet moment with Y/n’s fingers pointing out constellations to him, Lando sunk into himself.

His past few months with her had proven to be a lot more interesting than he had expected. Pretending to be in love with her started to feel less like a forced feeling and more like something he had been destined to feel for her and her only his whole life. The guilt ate away at him, but the love that was slowly consuming him for her trumped it every time.

“Lan? You still here?” Her sweet voice cut through his thoughts, making his head turn to meet her eyes.

He smiled at her, “Yeah, sorry, just lost track of my thoughts, I think.”

Her hand trailed up and down his stomach, “You okay?”

“Mhm, just don’t want to leave.” He nodded, looking at her so she could understand that he didn’t just want to leave this moment, he didn’t want to leave her.

She cracked a small smile, “Oh, me neither.”

A beat of silence went by before she sat up and turned to look down at him, “When did you realize you wanted more than just a friendship between us?”

This question was something he was anticipating and absolutely dreaded because, if he were to tell the truth, he would have to tell her she was a bet with his friends and that was the only reason he had been pushed to confront his underlying feelings for her. Although, wanting his gig, Lando tried to tell a white lie.

“I don’t really know when it happened. I just know that one day I really liked talking with you and the next I just liked you.” Simple and sweet, he thought. That was the trick to getting away with this.

Her blush complicated things and the butterflies in his stomach over her smile laid out the strong counterargument to his mind.

“Hm.” She said as she lowered herself back to the ground.

Lando’s curiosity took over as he asked what she meant by the ominous sound.

“Just that, I didn’t expect you to like me. I mean, you’re past is a lot of picture-perfect models and well-rounded, intellectual, impressive women. Not a 19-year-old kid whose major is undecided as she enters into her second year of college.” Her words struck a deep cord within his chest that he couldn’t not play.

“Is that all you think you are?” He was complicating the situation further, he understood that, but to think Y/n didn’t understand how amazing she was was something he couldn’t ignore.

She shrugged her shoulders, “Well, Lan, what else would I be?”

He was internally shocked at her obliviousness to her own perfection, “‘What else would I be?’ Y/n, what? You’re not just some lost college kid. You’re Oscar’s best friend and the person I would call first no matter what the situation. You’re so much to everyone around you. How can you not see that?”

Her voice came out trembly as she stared at the stars, “It’s hard when your brother’s constantly outshined you your whole life. My parents never realized they had another kid when I was growing up. It was all about Oscar and his races, his success. I never lived up to anything to actually make them notice me.”

His heart broke for the hurt little girl she was clearly entrusting him with, “Y/n, look at me.” His hands wrapped around her jaw to turn her head to the side, their eyes meeting in an intense stare, “Oscar could never outshine you and the fact that you’ve gone your whole life thinking anyone, let alone your brother, has the ability to take other’s attention from you is preposterous. You are the first thing that catches people’s eye when they walk into a room. You’re intoxicating with the way you carry yourself. You’re not just a confused child, you’re you. You are your best friend’s safe space, Oscar’s go-to person to brag about, you’re my favorite person, and, even though you might not think so, your parent’s pride and joy. You’re so many things, darling. Just because you aren’t an F1 driver doesn’t mean you don’t mean something. If it means anything, to me, you mean everything.”

His forehead rested against hers as he whispered the words to her, her eyes closed against his skin as she took in what she had longed to hear since she was 7. Lando’s thumbs rested against her cheeks, collecting the soft tears as they fell from her eyes.

“Sorry,” She whispered as she tried to back away from his hold, apologizing for the wetness that was pooling around his fingers.

However, Lando was quick to pull her back in, “No, don’t apologize. Letting me in isn’t something I’m afraid of, Y/n. It’s something I’m grateful to experience.”

She nodded, at a loss for words as she reveled in his gentleness. His hold on her tightened as he pushed her against his chest, whispering words into her ear.

Words that spoke truths he believed deep within himself and words that complexified the bet he had made.

—

“So, tell us what’s going on with you and the hotshot driver!” Y/n’s best friend, Paige, exclaimed at breakfast weeks after Lando and she had gone public.

Y/n rolled her eyes playfully, “Nothing! We’re just together. It’s not that serious.”

Paige reeled back in her seat, sending her a questionable look, “Really? ‘Not that serious’? Are you kidding me? He took your virginity!”

“Shh!!! Shh!!” Y/n jabbed a finger in her friend's face in response to the loud volume accompanied by the exposition of her situation.

“Sorry!” Paige squeaked, looking around to make sure no one had heard her, thankfully no one had. She continued, “Does he know?”

“That it was my first time? Yeah.” Y/n informed as Paige smiled triumphantly at the girl across from her.

“So, was he sweet? Did you like it?” Paige fired off the questions.

Y/n blushed, being taken back to the night before where Lando had assured her he would be gentle.

He had.

“Yes, he was very sweet. We got back from the date and decided to watch a movie. During it, we started kissing and then, you know, one thing led to another, and…”

“You told him.” Paige finished her sentence.

Y/n waved her head slowly to the left and right, “Well, it started getting intense, so I just let him know. I tried to be pretty nonchalant about it, come off like it wasn’t that big of a deal, but the moment he heard it, he was telling me how much he cared about it.”

Paige’s eyebrows furrowed, “What do you mean?”

“He just wanted to talk about it, wanted to make sure I wasn’t rushing into anything and that I actually wanted to do this with him. He told me how he didn’t want to screw anything up and how he really wanted it to go well for me, so if I needed him to change anything, I could just let him know. He was really big on communication through the whole thing and, honestly, it made things so much easier. And, then, after we were done, I got up to leave, but he acted like I had just said he wouldn’t ever win a world championship, and then insisted on me staying. Paige, he was so perfect.”

The two girls giggled together as they dug into their food, “So, you’ve let him in completely then?”

Y/n giggled, not having a clue of what was to come, “After he saw me completely naked and I told him about my deepest insecurities? Yeah, I have. I just hope this doesn’t backfire in my face.”

—

Lando was Y/n’s first love. There was no doubt about that. So, surprising him at the Silverstone Grand Prix sounded like a good idea. However, as she and Oscar stood outside his Driver’s Room door, accidentally eavesdropping on his conversation with Martin, the world proved to her that being there entirely was a horrible idea.

“Mate, I think it's gone too far. I want to back out of the bet.” Lando’s muffled voice sounded through the wall as Oscar and Y/n glanced at each other, matching confusion on their faces.

“No way, Lando. We made a deal. I don’t want to do this gig, I’ve done it so many times before it’s boring now, but for someone like you who has never done it, it’ll be fun.” Martin pleaded.

Y/n could practically hear Lando shake his head, “No, Martin. We should’ve never made it in the first place. I don’t want to play at The Cabin. Dating her for a bet is so cruel. I should’ve stopped it so long ago. I should’ve told you ‘no’ immediately.”

She didn’t even really comprehend what his words meant for a few minutes. She just stood there, eyes fixed on the door, trying desperately to figure out a way to explain away what he had just revealed.

Oscar’s hand gripped her arm as he watched her realize Lando’s true intent. His lip trembled, trying to keep the tears at bay, as his little sister broke in front of him. Her mouth opened and closed before her eyes watered and her gaze was shooting around the hallway in an attempt to find her brother. The fact that he was right in front of her didn’t translate in her brain, which had been in immediate turmoil once it dawned on her.

“Y/n, I’m right here.” He repeated to her as he slowly coaxed her into his embrace. Blind rage threatened to fill Oscar’s body, wanting nothing more than to storm into Lando’s room and rip him to shreds, but, as his sister quietly sobbed in his arms, he knew she needed him more than his fist needed to collide with Lando’s face.

Fortunately, his room wasn’t too far, so they weren’t seen by anyone as they made their way. The tears never ceased, only intensifying once they found themselves tucked away in the privateness of his own four walls.

“I was a bet?” Her choked sobs fought to silence her, but she continued to repeat the words as if it could cause her confusion to be fixed.

She clutched onto her older brother as she willed herself to go back in time and never step foot in an F1 paddock. Her mind raced as it tried to erase their time together and the love she had for him, the love she still had for him.

—

Hours after crying so much the tears dried up, Y/n found herself numb as she poured steeped the tea bag into the steaming hot water. No longer caring if she ran into him, she stood in the middle of McLaren’s hospitality, still trying to understand when she went wrong.

When she started loving him in the way that she did now. Even after finding out it was fake, his love for her was fake, she can’t stop the way her heart still beats for him.

The way, even after he had hurt her as badly as he did, she still searched for him in the crowd.

Oscar was off doing an interview, something he begrudgingly went off as he wanted to sit with his sister longer, as she made her walk back to his resting room.

Her attention was on the warm temperature that surrounded her face when she sipped her drink, she didn’t see the man of the hour turn the corner nor did she see the way his gaze landed on her or the way he began running toward her, confused as to why she was here.

“Y/n? Love, what are you doing here? I thought you had a test you couldn’t skip?” His voice forced feelings into her body whether she liked it or not. However, this time instead of feeling suffocating sadness, she felt pure, bewildered rage.

Turning around, she met his eyes, “What set do you think you’ll play at The Cabin?”

Lando’s eyebrows furrowed together at her question as well as the look on her face he wasn’t accustomed to.

“What?” He asked simply, not believing she could know.

She took a step closer to him, letting the betrayal take control, “When you play in New York at The Cabin, Lan,” Her smile was sickly and incredibly fake, “What are you going to play? I was thinking that one remix you have that you said makes the crowd go wild. I mean, it has to be big seeing as you went through so much trouble to get the spot. Ya know, dating me for a bet and all.” She took his silence and blank stare as an invitation to keep going, “Inspiring, really, Lando. The amount of dedication you must have when it comes to being a DJ that you would exploit someone else’s vulnerability, allow them to tell you all the internalized bullshit they’ve struggled with their whole lives, and, then!” She exclaimed, her voice translating ferocity rather than joy, “And then!” She dryly laughed, “Take their virginity just to spice things up! Wow, Lando, you have a certain level of determinedness I think society doesn’t address enough.”

His hand reached out for hers, but she quickly pulled her own back to her chest, looking at him in disgust, “Y/n, let me explain.”

Not wanting to look at his face any longer, she turned around, hightailing it to Oscar’s as she heard Lando follow her.

“Y/n, I’m serious. Please, there’s an explanation. Listen to me, baby. Please, I’m begging you.” He pleaded with her as he continued to reach for her, but he was always just a little too late.

“Y/n, I never meant for it to go this far. I though-” He tried, but Y/n was whirling around and jabbing a finger into his chest as she interrupted him with a fiery gaze.

“You never meant for it to go this far? Really? That’s the best you can give me!? I was lonely and you took advantage of that! You didn’t mean for it to go this far? Are you kidding me? You should’ve never even looked in my direction. You’re sick in the head for knowingly taking my virginity! For taking what was supposed to be something special and eventful, something meaningful, and twisting it into some stepping stone all a part of your grand plan to gain a bigger audience for your hobby! That was mine. That moment, when I allowed a guy I trusted and loved to take something so sacred, was supposed to be something I looked fondly back on. That part of my life, my girlhood, you exploited for your own personal gain. Where the hell do you get off? I trusted you. I told you things about my life, about myself, I’ve never told anyone before, and, what? The whole time it was a bet to you? A task you had to complete in order to turn some tables at a club in a dirty city?”

He stared at her, trying to peer into her soul and tell her all the things he didn’t know how to say, but, with all the hurt he had presented her with, she didn’t see him. She didn’t see the anguish he was going through over his actions catching up with him and abusing someone who was completely innocent. She didn’t see how hard he was trying to tell her he loved her and he always had.

“Y/n, it was never that to me. Please, you have to understand. You’ve always been so much more to me. Y/n, I love you-” Once again, she was shutting him up.

“That’s not love, Lando, and it’s pathetic you think it is.”

With that, she stepped into her brother’s room, closed the door, and locked it. Effectively, shutting Lando out.

For good or for the time being, he didn’t know.

[emssturniolo]

delicate

pairing: matthew sturniolo x reader

summary: your soft spoken tone doesn’t let you make new friends, but matt is who you only really need

warnings: use of yn, and names such as baby ;)

a/n: very rare emssturniolo matt fan fic ! whaaat ?!??

happy reading :)

you and matt were currently at a party with his brothers. it was a party of some influencer who you didn’t really know, and had never spoken to

but you didn’t want to ruin the night for matt, who seemed to be excited to go to this party with his brothers and friends, so you promised yourself, for his sake, to try and make some new friends to talk to while you’re there

you went in confident and ready, to just tell your anxiety to fuck off and get out of your (very comfortable) comfort zone. yet, every time that you tried to talk to some girl that seemed remotely interesting to you, they would give you one of three main responses: make a weird face and shrug you off, try to talk to you and end up leaving, or just straight up insulting you - see there was a small problem with you and parties; you were too soft spoken to be heard in places with loud music and a lot of talking. so every time you tried to talk to someone, they wouldn’t be able to hear you and they’d either just leave or tell you to speak up, which was quite literally impossible for you to do, since your voice just didn’t go any higher than the slight next step from a whisper

yet you were determined. you didn’t want to cling onto matt, you wanted him to have fun and have some alone time with his friends, away from you. the last thing you needed was for him to think you’re too clingy. so you tried again, for the third time, to talk to a girl. this time, you spotted a girl sitting alone on the couch in the living room of the house the party was being held in. she was just on her phone when you sat next to her, and said “hey, you wanna talk?” and she diverted her attention away from her phone and looked at you with a smile. this was going well,,, surprisingly. “yeah sure! what’s your name?” she asked, “mine’s jenna.”, you smiled, “i love that name! i’m yn!” - jenna looked confused for a second before asking you, “sorry, what was that?”. she hadn’t heard you. “i said i love that name, i’m yn!” you tried again, raising your voice a bit higher, or as much as you could. “i can’t hear you! look, if you’re not gonna speak up i don’t think we can talk!”, jenna scoffed, and got up and left

tears brimmed at your eyes. you knew you weren’t speaking loud, but there was no reason for people to be so mean about it - so you gave in, and went to find matt. you needed him urgently, just a hug would be enough, but you couldn’t find him. you were growing more anxious by the second, so you quickly shot matt a text

matt<3

hey where are you?

i’m on the balcony

why what’s wrong?

can we meet ? like outside ?

yeah sure :)

and with that, you found matt outside the door of the house. the second you came close enough, you hugged him tightly. light tears ran down your warm cheeks, and as soon as matt realized, he pulled back, his hold still on you - gentle, but firm. “what’s up, my love? what’s wrong?” he spoke gently, just to match your delicate state. “nothing, just tried to talk to some people to let you have fun, but they always gave me weird looks or responses when i talked low.” you lightly let out a breath. he hugged you again, his delicate hands sinking into your skin, you above your hips - to let you know he’s there

“baby, look at me. you know i love everything about you, but trust me, that soft, gentle, beautiful, sweet, delicate tone of your voice is on my ‘top three things i love about yn’ list. promise.” and with that, he stuck out his pinky finger, which was immediately interlocked with yours, a kiss planted on each other’s fingers, and another one right after, planted on each other’s lips

“i love you, my sweet girl.” he said, sincerely. and you could tell, just by the stars in his eyes which show up anytime he talks about something he’s passionate about,,,

or talking about you

[bahablastplz]

All in | Chapter 16.5 (Felix)

pairing: Lee Felix x f!reader (mafia au)

summary: You didn't know what you were getting yourself into when you started dating Yang Jungwon, notorious mafia boss. Your life gets flipped upside down when you're found beaten and bloody by SKZ, the rival mafia group, and you're quickly integrated into their lives. What will happen when you try to leave your old life behind and start anew?

chapter summary: How did Felix come to join SKZ?

warnings: please see series masterlist for all warnings

series masterlist ~~ series taglist ~~ main masterlist

<< previous ♡ next >>

Felix:

When I was a child, people used to tell me that I would get taken advantage of for my kindness. I didn’t really understand what that meant, or what these phrases ‘to be walked all over,’ or ‘doormat,’ ever really meant. I just knew that I was taught in school to never bully anybody else, and that everybody should be treated with kindness, and so I did just that. 

I was treated poorly from a young age by other kids for reasons I never really understood why. To my understanding, they were reasons out of my control, because there was nothing I could ever do to make anybody like me. At some point I realized that other kids’ parents were telling their children to stay away from me. 

When I was in second grade my family moved away, and I finally made a friend. We didn’t move too far away, just a few neighborhoods over, but I still ended up changing schools. And so for once, I ended up growing closer to a boy in my grade even though I was a transfer student. I felt like something good had come of my move, even though I had begged and begged my parents for us to stay. 

“Why do you even care about staying?” my mother had asked. “It’s not like you have any friends.” Even though I was young, that had hurt like a knife to the gut. I didn’t want to be a burden, so I complied. She was right… I wasn’t sure why I cared so much about a place I had no stake in, but I was a kid, and kids have weird attachments to things sometimes. 

But then suddenly, Jack, my new friend on the playground, made me feel like all of my issues went away. I didn’t think about how hard it was for me to make friends anymore, I didn’t have to think about leaving the old school behind. I felt happy, distracted, and care-free. Like a kid should. 

It was short-lasting. 

After school, Jack and I were playing on the playground when his mom came to pick him up. His mother grabbed him harshly by the elbow, dragging him away without saying goodbye. 

“This ‘Felix’ kid you’ve been playing with, you didn’t tell me he was a Lee!” she spat. “You can’t play with him anymore.” They were far enough away that I could barely hear them, but the words still made anxiety bubble up in my gut and tears pool down my face. 

“Jack–” I called after him. “Bye, Jack!” His mother held him closer to her body as they walked away, shielding him from me. 

We never played together again, and just like at my first school, everybody started avoiding me no matter how nice I was. However, this time I had an answer as to why that was: it wasn’t because of me, it was because of my family name. 

It wasn’t clear to me at first what about my family name was such an issue or what caused it to make the other kids stay away. I still kept to myself all throughout school, not interacting much with any of the others. I even considered begging my parents to homeschool me at one point, but I knew that it would have been too much of a burden. My parents wouldn’t have been able to afford taking the time off of work to homeschool me. 

It was lonely. 

I didn’t put up a fight when we moved again. I was in high school this time, and when my parents told me we were moving, I packed my bags and  wordlessly followed. 

Finally, my parents admitted the truth to why we had moved after we settled into the new place. My father hadn’t gotten a new job; we were on the run. It was the reason why we had moved the first time and it was the reason why we had moved now. It turns out that my parents were prone to bad spending habits and taking out loans from the wrong people, and so each time we would have to pick up and move. It was hard, and my parents would often try to look for other options in order to pay off their debts, like selling drugs or partaking in illegal activities in exchange for cash just so we wouldn’t be displaced, but their name wasn’t the most reputable around. All they had wanted to do was help, but it was only hurting me over and over and over again when I had never done anything wrong from day one. 

It’s hard to know that your parents have done something so horrible. Looking at your own parents that you’ve known your whole life and seeing the faces staring back at you, knowing what they’ve hidden from you, it changes the way you look back at your childhood. It changes the way you view your parents and it changes the way that you view yourself. 

When my parents were killed and taken away from me suddenly, I didn’t know how to feel. 

Grief is just so, so complicated. 

Because I was still mourning the fact that my parents weren’t the people who I thought they were when they were taken away from me. I was trying to cope with the fact that my parents were inherently ‘bad’ people, but at the same time, they were all that I had. 

They were all that I had. 

“Help me take them down from the inside,” Chan had said. Bang Chan is the man that had found me a few days after my parents had died, had approached me at their funeral. “I need you to help me. The loan sharks, they killed my dad, too. I understand you, I was you once. If you can join, I think we have a solid chance of destroying them.” He explained to me that since he joined the loan sharks he had already risen in the ranks, was already gaining a lot of power. 

As much as I hated the idea of joining the people that killed my parents, the idea of revenge was so self-fulfilling. The man was convincing, too, with an already solidified plan and the work to show for it. 

I began to not really know who I was anymore. The only thing that was on my mind was blinding rage, and that was the thing that motivated me to wake up every day. I was no longer the little boy with a childlike wonder that was nice to everyone. 

I satisfied my one-track mind with Chan’s help. I delivered the finishing blow, the only exception being that Chan would be the one to take his place. I was fine with that, but it didn’t quite fill the hollowness inside that I had originally hoped. 

Joining the loan sharks and killing the man on top, it didn’t bring my parents back. It didn’t change what they had done and it didn’t change the person that it had turned me into. 

When I started to go into a deep depression and felt that maybe I should leave Chan to lead the new organization by himself, I was surprised by what he had said. 

“Leave…? Felix, leaving isn’t an option now. You owe me for helping you catch the guy who killed your parents.” I sort of looked at him strangely. It wasn’t the same thing that he had told me when he had recruited me and I felt like I was stuck now, with no way out. “That’s not something you can take lightly,” he had told me. “I was right there by your side. It’s only right for you to be there for me by mine. After all, you got to accomplish your mission, but mine is only halfway there.” 

And as his right-hand man, he had told me how he had planned to rebrand the loan sharks into something slightly more sinister. For now I had a new purpose in life, and it was to completely serve Chan until he felt that he had accomplished his goals.

I made my first friends again in this new life. I made them in Hyunjin, who I found to be a great conversationalist and so introspective that he had me questioning myself on a deeper level. In his thoughtfulness, his delicateness, and his intelligence that was valued in the group among all else. In Minho and Jisung, who had joined at the same time, in their complexities and hidden humors that are only unlocked once you know them on a deeper level. Their connections and smiles and hearts and anxieties and all of the love that they have to give, both individually and together. In Seungmin, who’s twisted humor hits deep and who’s compassion is even more heart-wrenching once you get to know him. Who would never tell you that he cares about you but would show it to you through his actions. Who pays attention to every last detail about everyone. Changbin, who has so much inner strength and resilience that he doesn’t know what to do with it, who wants to be strong because he is so scared of not being able to protect the people that he cares about. Who would so effortlessly do anything that anyone asked of him. Jeongin, our maknae, who everyone cares about like their own baby brother, who everyone wants to protect and cherish. Who has seen his fair share of shitty things but works just as hard as everyone else in order to strive for his goals. Who, even though he had known us for only half as long, would jump in front of a bullet for us. And then… Y/N… 

Y/N who made my world stop spinning on my axis when I met her. She ignited a fire inside of me and though a little voice inside of my head spoke and said it was probably wrong, I didn’t dare to listen to it. There’s nobody like her. Nobody who would ever dare stand up to Chan, nobody I’ve ever met who I’ve wanted to cherish and protect so much, but also, nobody that I have wanted to see flourish and grow. I am utterly and hopelessly in love. 

It didn’t take me long to realize that between Y/N and SKZ I had obtained something that I had needed for a long time, and I hadn’t even been looking. A family. A real one. 

And I intend to do whatever it takes to keep it. 

─ ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ──── ♡ ─── ⋅ ⋅ ⋅ ──

taglist: @shuporanporang ; @purp13st4r ; @eurydiceofterabithia ; @heartsbyandra ; @thicccurls ;

@rylea08 ; @the-sweetest-rose ; @oddracha ; @kapelover ; @goldenmellow ;

@zerefdragn33l ; @uhh-awkward-rightt ; @astudyoftimeywimeystuff ; @kaleigh-2002 ; @thatonexcgirl ;

@mindfreecreator ; @linoalwaysknows ; @velvetmoonlght ; @minahaeyo ; @crystalchuuu ;

@hash2013 ; @skzswife ; @b0bbl3s ; @thecutiepieme ; @bear8585 ;

@moss-the-man ; @softkisshyunjin ; @sylveonitesworld ; @m00njinnie ; @nicoleparadas ;

@starsofasteria ; @klopez01 ; @luvlinos ; @hyunjinnnnnnnnnnnnnn ; @skz-akira ;

@boi-bi-ahaha ; @l33bang24 ; @hermione640 ; @gal82 ; @b-chansbbygirl ;

@kayleefriedchicken ; @notsojourni ; @hogwartslife64 ; @stilltrynafuckingtumble ; @ellelabelle ;

@melleus ; @hyun-bun ; @luminouskalopsia ; @leftovercigarettes ; @sabrina-gal-kpop

@ghostedgameplays ; @wealwayskeepfighting ; @meloncremesoda ; @Lovelino23 ; @honeyybbuubblleess ;

@blossominghunnie ; @sunlitangel777 ; @kkamismom12 ; @slaykanejvetsi ; @eastleighsblog ;

@skzskzskzskzskzskzskzzzz ; @k-keya ; @moonlight-sunrise-channie ; @estella-novella ;

@mbioooo0000 ; @lovemepie67 ; @lemonn015 ; @jaeminie-cricket ; @cookiesandcreammy ;

@jchotch726 ; @cookielixie ; @xxeiraxx ; @chuuyaobsessed ; @anime-addictot8 ;

@raspberrii ; @holdontoitwhileitlasts ; @korthbum ; @nxtt2-u ; @drinkingrumandcocacola ;

@changbokkii ; @1810cl ; @sillyhal ; @abcdefgiwsmctyeliaitaiglykoh ; @justastraymoa

[a-aexotic]

jj x routledge!reader on pouguelandia confessing their feelings while walking at the beach at night when the others are asleep

pairing. jj x fem!routledge!reader

warnings. insecurity, slight angst to fluff, jj being with a cutie pie, kissing

summary. reader has always liked jj and got insecure when she sees jj staring absentmindedly at her, but in reality he was admiring her.

➜ missing out on updates? ❪ navigation. masterlist. taglist. ❫

THE SMELL OF SMOKE FILLED HER NOSE AS SHE SAT NEAR THE BONFIRE. You were focused up in the stars, trying to saturate your mind on something other than anxiety. These past couple of months have been exhausting to say the least. You still had her guard up, always sleeping with one eye open. Even after John B told you it was going to be fine, words could only do so much to ease her anxieties. 

Everyone was asleep and you were the only one awake; or so you thought. “What are you doin’ up?”

You slightly flinched before realizing it was only JJ. You eased your muscles, sighing before relaxing. “I can’t sleep.” 

You looked up at the tall blonde as he sat down on the sand next to you, his baby blue eyes looking into yours.

He hummed in response, before nodding and looking away. You always have had sleep issues, even when they were kids. 

He fondly remembers the late nights with John B trying to lull you back to sleep. He also remembers the fact he could put you to sleep faster than anyone. John B always said he was the ‘Y/N whisperer’. But the truth was, JJ was just JJ and for some odd reason, you had always felt safe when you were with him. If someone asked when you started feeling this odd sense of safety, you wouldn’t know because you always just have. JJ always had that comforting feel to you. 

Your insomnia worsened after your father had gone missing, rightfully so. Your guard has been up since the day your father left. And no one but JJ could comfort, even your own brother. 

“Yeah, me too.”

They sat in silence before he spoke up again, “let’s walk.” 

You nodded in agreement, getting up with JJ.

Side by side, they started walking the beaches of Poguelandia. The late hours of the night were her favorite and she always admired dark skies filled with beautiful stars and even more breathtaking moon. She was always a night owl, preferring the quiet hours of the night.

JJ admired you under the bright moonlight, slightly smiling.

A blush came onto his cheeks. JJ had always adored Y/N, even when they were kids. He always had a protective nature over you, wanting to take you out of harm’s way no matter what. Especially when John B had gone missing, JJ had felt like it was his job to make sure you’re safe for John B. But somewhere along the way that adoration turned into a crush and now, JJ can’t stop thinking about you. 

You looked so gorgeous under the bright cast of the moon and JJ couldn’t help but staring. He couldn’t even think straight as he looked at you. 

You turned, meeting his gaze and laughing slightly. “What are you smiling about?”

JJ’s eyes widened; he forgot he was in real life for a second there, zoning out on your dreamlike features. He shook his head and looked down at the sand and shrugged. “Nothing.”

You furrowed your eyebrows, suddenly feeling insecure. You looked down at the sand, trying to ignore the weird feeling in your stomach. 

Your old crush had come back and suddenly you were back at the chateau, crying in your bedroom because JJ had brought another girl over again. You had always felt insecure, especially compared to JJ’s exes. 

JJ had felt the shift in atmosphere, he mirrored your confused expression. Sudden worry filled his system. “What’s wrong?”

You shook your head, not wanting to bring up the fact that you’re feeling insecure over something so small. “Nothing.”

JJ stopped walking and grabbed her arm, bringing you to look up at him. “No, tell me.” 

“No, it’s fine. It’s stupid.” 

“If I did something, tell me, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything-”

“JJ, no, no.” You shook your head, You sighed and avoided his gaze. “You were just staring and maybe you noticed one of my pimples or something. And I haven’t shaved in like-”

JJ laughed and shook his head as Y/N spoke and she halted her speech and scoffed. He immediately felt guilty and shook his head, “No, Y/N-”

“You’ve said enough, JJ-”

“Are you serious?” It was JJ’s time to scoff now. You morph your face into annoyance and shake your head in agreement.

“Yes, JJ, I’m allowed to feel insecure when you literally stare at my face-”

He laughed again, “you? Insecure?”

“Yes, JJ.” You said simply before rolling your eyes and sighing, “you know what, I’m tired, so I’m just gonna head to bed.” You started walking away. 

He suddenly felt stupid and he sighed before running up to catch up with you. When he did, you did your best to ignore him. He hurt your feelings and you were going to give him the cold shoulder until he apologizes. 

“Y/N, I’m sorry.”

Well, that was fast.

You sighed and crossed your arms, turning to face the blonde. 

“You misunderstood me, I meant… It’s ridiculous that you feel insecure.” You couldn’t help but roll your eyes. JJ sighed and shook his head, he was always bad at explaining his feelings. Especially when it was his feelings for you. He took a minute to try to figure what to say and you felt impatient. 

“You’re the prettiest girl I have ever seen.” He whispered; anyone not directly in front of him couldn’t hear it. You almost missed it with the waves crashing, and even then, you thought you misheard him. He bashfully looked away, directing his eyes to the sand below them.

“Wait, what?”

He felt even more stupid now, sighing. You were going to tell John B and he was going to kill him if he didn’t just drown himself before John B had a chance to.

“You don’t have to lie, I mean-”

JJ groaned, “God, shut up. I wouldn’t lie. You know I can’t lie to you.” 

“So, you really think I’m pretty?”

JJ nodded. “Who wouldn’t?”

“JJ, don’t joke around right now.”

“I wouldn’t joke about that, Y/N. Why can’t you just take a compliment?” JJ was annoyed at how oblivious you were acting. “Y/N, you have to be joking. How could you not tell I’ve had a crush on you for like, two years now!” 

He was frustrated but as soon as those words came out, he shut right back up. He just confessed his crush to you and you looked like you had just seen a ghost. 

JJ looked just as you were. Was he joking around? “JJ, how couldn’t you tell that I’ve liked you since we were kids?” You finally replied and he had the same reaction as you. 

“You’ve liked me since we were kids?”

You nodded. Now, you were both the oblivious ones. You and JJ sat in silence for a good minute before JJ spoke up again. 

“We’re both so stupid.”

You nodded again. “Yeah, we are.”

JJ looked down at you, a smile making its way onto his lips. Suddenly, the quiet night had become much louder for the both of you; your mind's racing with possibilities. JJ was always a reckless, YOLO kind of person, but with you, he always wanted to take his time and be patient.

You were thinking of how perfect this night turned out, staring at JJ’s features, admiring them and taking them in. You weren’t sure of most things, but one thing you knew for absolute fact: You loved JJ Maybank. Your mind stopped racing but one thought lingered. 

You put your hand on his cheek, feeling his warmth as you kept looking between his eyes and pink lips. You both slowly started leaning in and you connected lips. 

It was a slow, patient kiss - like JJ had imagined, but this time it wasn’t imaginary. JJ couldn’t help but think about what they'd been through these past couple of months but he always had comfort in the fact you were right beside him.

You were thinking the exact same things, and up until the moment you had connected lips you’d regretted everything. The regret slowly vaporized into the kiss because every bad thing had led up to this, and suddenly, it wasn’t so bad now that you had finally gotten your award.

[ratwife77]

Soda angst because I was called to do this?

idk what warnings there are for this but this is kind of just his anxiety building and stuff.. just be careful reading

ao3 link

I don’t know how to describe it. After work, I’d been going home, hitching a ride with Steve. The usual, but what was different? Tensions had been high with Darry and Pony, and I guess work had been busy.. But there was no reason for my hands to be shaking, or for my breath coming up short. It was stupid for me to feel so tense. Whenever I took in a breath, it wasn’t enough, and I was beginning to feel dizzy. I don’t know how to explain it, but I kind of felt floaty too, like the one time I’d been drunk. Not quite there, y’know? It was a bad cycle, freaking out more over the trouble I was having breathing, seeming to get worse. Steve gave me a strange look, opened his mouth to ask, but he seemed to not have thought before he did it. He didn’t know what to say, and I didn’t either. But he tried, because he knew something was deeply wrong. “Soda.. are you.. okay?”

Steve was my safe place, but I didn’t want to drop it all on him. I wouldn’t, I decided. I nodded, sure that I couldn’t fake it if my voice was wobbling. Knowing I was faking, he didn’t say anything for a moment. “You don’t have to tell me. Just.. you’re acting weird.” Nervously, he looked at me and back at the road. His eyebrows came together and his whole face scrunched with a concern that made my stomach hurt. Tapping the steering wheel with his pointer finger, he made a wrong turn. Quickly, I realized that he probably shouldn’t have been driving- don’t get me wrong, he was the best in the gang, but he wasn’t focused. I didn’t want to get in an auto wreck like my parents did. My head was foggy, but not enough to not feel the danger in that. “Pull over, Steve.” My voice was quieter and shakier than I would’ve liked, but it came. It made me feel like a little kid again, tiny.

In seconds, he’d pulled over.

“I.. um.. I’m not..” The words weren’t coming, and I realized my hands were sweaty and tremblin’, showing my nerves to the world. Damn. Desperately, I tried to wipe them off. “I can’t.. breathe right.” I felt my throat getting tight, pressure building too high. Couldn’t swallow, and I knew what was coming. I made a strange sound, then I was rocked forward, sobbing. Why? Why was I even doing that? Everything was fine. Steve looked beyond nervous, unsure, but then his features morphed to something more calm, confident. Probably an act, but it made me feel a bit better. He didn’t know what the hell to say, and I sure didn’t either. Suddenly, his hand went to my back, and he slowly rubbed it. He wasn’t one for affection, or touching at all, but he was comforting then. After considering for a second, he slowly pulled me into a hug, and I was crying on his shoulder. I’m not sure how long it lasted, but I came off of whatever it was eventually, and I whispered a quiet but genuine, “Thank you.”

Steve, trying to make light of the moment and calm me down, said, “Anytime.. but next time, you’ll have to pay me.. I’m thinking of starting a business for crying on my shoulder.” Shakily, I let out a laugh, but it turned into a cackle, and we both laughed until we didn’t know what it was about anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

honestly guys idk if this is in character, Soda isn’t really my favorite so I haven’t really got a firm grasp on his character

[tornrose24]

I was thinking over some stuff and realized that if the timeline/world of TGAMM was close to real life, then there would have been a lot of real-world issues/factors that could have affected Scratch/Todd’s anxiety, which in turn led to losing his soul. Especially in the decade that would have led up to the year he likely lost his soul.

So knowing that he was in his 50’s in the early 2020’s, and that he was in his 40’s in the early 2010’s, let’s look at what happened in the 2000s:

-The Y2K scare. I’m not sure if Todd would have been tech-savvy or would have bought into that theory, so I think this could be crossed out.

-September 11th 2001. Yeah, I think this incident would make someone uneasy about flying for several years.

-The war that occurred afterward. I don’t recall if the Arabian Peninsula was on Adia’s map, but every time a war happens, it usually puts people off from traveling out of country or in certain areas. Also, it was an awful time for a lot of people for various reasons.

-The 2008 economic recession. I recall that being an uneasy time, and I could see that as one reason why Todd would have stayed with the job he had. Especially if people were losing their homes or it was hard to get a house during this time. Furthermore, I could see the recession having a major negative impact on Brighton.

-Scratch mentioned that he didn’t pursue romance and the show bible said that it was because he was afraid of heartbreak. It could be because he was already shy/withdrawn to begin with, but there’s other factors that could have come from real life events. If he was LGBTQ plus, then that was still a bit of a hot topic in the 2000s (and assuming Brighton is in Illinois, same-sex marriages weren’t legalized until 2013, in which case it would have been too late for Todd to try to pursue anyone). I imagine that Brighton also wouldn’t have been inviting for romantic potentials, not to mention that the recession wouldn’t have helped. Also, I remember there was an over-emphasis on fitness and  physical appearances and how men and women should look like (in order to be considered attractive) that continued into the 2010s for a time. (I can still recall when fast food chains used models to promote their food). Todd would not have fit those ‘standards.’ (Plus I don't think he'd be too willing to give up food to try to obtain a look that is near impossible to achieve, but it might explain the weird abs obsession in that one episode).

And with these factors, it makes me wonder just what Adia was up to work-wise, because I can’t imagine traveling would have been too popular during the 2000s for reasons I already stated, and YouTube (or the equivalent of YouTube in TGAMM) wasn’t doing sponsors for much of its first decade. Unless she was lucky to get a job that allowed her to travel.

Side note–phones that could do face times existed as early as 2010/2011, so that adds to the timeline of exactly when Todd would have lost his soul.

[dmwrites]

So, I was thinking about in-game/storyline reasons for Bdubs not uploading his pov of Limited Life, and it kind of spiraled from “maybe he’s an npc this season” to “well grian would have to do the administrative work to make a bdubs npc I guess” to “well Martyn’s vtuber lore…”, so now there’s this thing. Uh, enjoy?

——

“Bdubs?”

Cleo heard a familiar throat clearing from behind the tree she and Scar were trying to cut down, and called out to whoever was on the other side of the river.

“Ah, Cleo, hello!”

Cleo smiled cheerily at Bdubs, who was approaching them. Scar waved Bdubs over, and they all started working on chopping down the same big dark oak tree.

“Another life series already, can you believe it?” Cleo asked. She couldn’t help but smile- the sun was warm, her friends were all around her, and a new opportunity for good, wholesome murder.

It was natural, the way that she, Scar, and Bdubs fell into an alliance. They were good together, a kind of natural blend of sarcasm and thirst for violence.

But something wasn’t quite right. She shrugged it off at first, thinking it was the general overhanging anxiety of a clock ticking down to death. But no, it wasn’t until the second boogeyman was chosen that she began to realize exactly what was wrong.

When Bdubs had killed Skizz, not even a minute after he had been named boogeyman number two, Cleo hadn’t been paying attention to him. She had been laughing at Scar, and helping him out of the pond he’d fallen into after being rammed by a goat. But when she looked up, to see a death message in chat and Bdubs standing, axe still raised, that same, broad smile on his face.

“Bdubs?”

There was a moment of stillness, where Bdubs stood there, staring off into the space that Skizz had occupied only moments ago. His head then jerked to the side, and he laughed.

“Ah, Cleo, hello. Ah, well, that’s done now.”

Cleo laughed at his laissez-faire attitude, but couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d seen something from Bdubs that wasn’t right.

“Bdubs! You killed Skizz!” Scar exclaimed, interrupting her thoughts.

Bdubs didn’t respond to that, just smiled broadly as Skizz came over the hill again, swearing up a storm and making everything even more funny.

As much as she’d like to forget the weirdness she felt about Bdubs, it was impossible, since he was right there, cheering her on, joining Scar in calling her Mom. He was being odd, in ways that wouldn’t have mattered to anyone but her. He didn’t wear armor until Cleo gave him some. Whatever was suggested, he happily agreed to. He had that big ol’ classic Bdubs smile, but it was the eyes. There was something missing from his eyes- like they had gone dull and lifeless, like a statue or doll.

“Scar?”

“Hmm? Yes, Mom?” Scar was sitting on the top of the mountain, resting for a moment, and gave a cackle as he spoke.

Cleo elected to ignore that for the time being. “Does something seem a little… off… about Bdubs to you?” She eased herself down next to him.

Scar frowned, and Cleo had to appreciate that Scar, for all of his misgivings and silly nature, took her seriously when it was needed. The two looked towards their rudimentary farm land, where Bdubs was doing some final bits of crop harvesting before the sun fully set. The last rays of sunlight glinted off of the many clocks that hung off of his body. He was planting seeds in a uniform, practiced way, focused on his task without the usual whimsical and jumpy gait to his step.

“No, not really.” Scar said slowly. “But, I will say… isn’t it odd that his skin doesn’t change? We all get reset every season, but he… it’s like his last life season never really left him or something.”

Cleo frowned. Last Life was always close to her mind too, but it had never left any… physical marks. Bdubs looked like a sore that never healed.

“Oh, also, he said this thing I thought was kind of, well, I wouldn’t call it out of character, and it was a throwaway comment at best I suppose, but when he and I were trekking the server with our horses and wares, he said he was content to just watch me, like some kind of hidden camera show. Watching my life. Like he’s just a camera for me. And he’s always egging on my terrible ideas.”

“But he’s always like that- he’s a ‘yes, and’ man. You know that.” Cleo said.

“You’re the one who seems to be worried- why don’t you go talk to him then? I don’t want the family to be broken up so quickly. We already lost Dad.”

Cleo smacked Scar lightly up the backside of his head. “Shut it, boy.”

She did wander out to Bdubs, who was just finishing up the final seed plantings.

“Bdubs?”

“Ah, Cleo, hello!” Bdubs stood up and beamed at her.

“Are you okay, Bdubs?” Cleo asked. “Enjoying your time so far?”

“Of course! I am greatly enjoying this time with my friends!” Bdubs’ face wasn’t changing. He was talking and his mouth was moving, but his eyes still were just that same kind of glassy deadness. It struck Cleo all at once, suddenly, what exactly was wrong. It was the uncanny valley effect that she sometimes got when she made a statue too realistic. Bdubs didn’t look like he was living. It was impossible to tell, most people wouldn’t ever see it, only feel that weird anxiety.

“You’re not the real Bdubs.” Cleo said, trying very hard to keep the tremor out of her voice.

Bdubs’ mouth opened and closed for a moment, those eyes still just as wide and happy as it had been since she’d first seen Bdubs on this sever.

“Bdubs?”

“Ah, yes, Cleo.”

“You say that every time I say your name.” Cleo whispered.

——

“Grian.”

Joel and Jimmy must have wandered off, leaving Grian in the ruins of the mansion (which Cleo secretly giggled about). Grian was typing on his commutator, assumedly some admin stuff to do with the server, but looked up and smiled as Cleo approached.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Sorry to bother you, but I think something is… off about Bdubs.”

For a moment, a flash of recognition and panic appeared in Grian’s face, then smoothed back out. Grian was good at lying, but Cleo had been dealing with misbehavior and liars for a lot longer then he’d even been alive.

“I don’t know w-”

“Don’t bother lying to me, you’ll just embarrass yourself.” Cleo cut him off abruptly. Her head was pounding- she was right, something was wrong. And Grian knew what it was. “What happened to Bdubs?”

“Cleo, that is an administrative issue, not a player issue. That information is private and between only those who need to know.” Grian was talking fast, and his communicator kept beeping- resetting a whole mansion wasn’t an easy task, clearly. He was clearly distracted. “Bdubs being an npc this season is not- oh no.” Grian groaned at his mistake. He closed his communicator and took out his sword. “Okay, so let’s just pretend that I didn’t say that.”

“You really think you can frighten me into silence, little bird?” Cleo crossed her arms and puffed out her chest. She was very scared, she knew how Grian was when he was backed into a corner. And she didn’t even have diamond armor.

“Cleo, listen. I respect you, and I know you care a lot about Bdubs. But let this one go. It’s not… it’s complicated, okay? No one can know, not ever. It’s too…” Grian looked her over, coming to some kind of decision. “Listen, I may not scare you, but I will kill you. If this gets out, I will slaughter you over and over until your out of the series. With no remorse. I promise this.”

Cleo held her ground for as long as she could, jaw set, brain frantically screaming at her to go. “Fine.” She finally said. “It stays here. For now.” She turned and walked away without another word, mentally preparing for an arrow to the back. But nothing came, and she walked until she was beyond the still-smoldering dark oak forest. She could see her allies, Scar and not-really Bdubs, on the mountain, but she couldn’t go there. Not yet.

So she walked in the flat area around spawn, just kind of wandering, mind racing. So Bdubs was some kind of npc- she vaguely knew what that meant. Non-playable. But how could a person be non-playable? It did seem like he has certain things that he said and did- a yes, and man to the extreme, which wasn’t too far off from the man she knew anyway. She had to wonder if being boogeyman hasn’t been part of the script, if that’s why he’d killed Skizz the instant he’d be chosen. But was that even what npc meant?

“But why have an npc?” She murmured to herself, wandering by a small cave opening.

“What did you just say?”

And faster then she’d ever seen him move, Martyn barreled out of the cave entrance, a wild look in his eyes. It was odd to see her old soulmate, and she almost expected a twinge of pain when he tripped over a rock in his hurry over to her.

“Martyn?”

“Cleo, please- did you just say npc?” Martyn was almost shaking, and held out his hands to her. She’d never seen him look so rattled.

“I- yeah.” She cringed, remembering Grian’s threats. “But that’s just between you and me. What, do you know something about that?”

“I- oh my god.” Martyn ran his fingers through his hair. “We need to talk right now. If you know what npc’s are, that changes everything. I- wow.”

“What on earth are you on about, Martyn?” Cleo asked, anxiety rising in her once again.

“I don’t know.” Martyn said. “Well, I do, kind of, it’s just… can we talk?” He gestured to his cave.

“I- yeah, I suppose so.” Cleo replied. It was almost funny, how they were teamed up together by necessity once more. But this seemed a lot bigger then their own souls. Cleo thought of Bdubs and his empty, wide eyes, and it steeled whatever resolve she had inside her.

“So, where to start…”

[gx-gameon]

Part 5 of Yugi raising Jaden

Start - previous - next

Mokuba had been kind enough to send them a car to come and pick them up. The drive was far shorter than the walk would have been. The three sat in relative silence on the way over. All thinking about what was to come once they reach Kaiba Corp.

The building was impressive. Jaden had never seen a building that tall and now he, Yugi, and Joey were going to head inside. But only he and Joey were going to leave.

Jaden didn’t want to admit the anxiety he was feeling. He’d already been abandoned by one set of parents. He knew Yugi wasn’t leaving forever. He had promised, even giving Jaden one of his cards so that Jaden knew he was coming back. But that didn’t mean Jaden wanted him to go in the first place.

When they arrived at the building Joey hopped out of the car with ease. Yugi moved to follow him, planning to help Jaden out once he was outside the car, when a little hand stopped him. He turned to see Jaden who now had a death grip on his shirt.

“Hey bud.” Yugi kept his voice soft. “Want me to pick you up?” Jaden gave a stiff nod, but it was all the confirmation that Yugi needed. He leaned forward and scooped up the little boy, carefully shuffling them both out of the car.

He could hear the driver radioing to Mokuba that they had arrived. He couldn’t hear Mokuba’s reply but the driver told them to head inside and that the younger Mr. Kaiba would meet them soon.

Yugi lead the way inside. Jaden was clinging to him, his little arms and legs wrapped tightly around Yugi’s neck and waist. His face buried into the crook of Yugi’s neck. And Yugi wished he didn’t have to leave him. His boy was scared. Jaden wouldn’t admit it but Yugi could tell he was scaring his son. But Kaiba needs to return, Mokuba needed his big brother, and Yugi needed answers about Jaden’s past. There was no way he couldn’t go. But the fear his little one was experiencing made him wish there was another way.

“Yugi you’re here! Are you ready to- oh.” Mokuba came running towards them. His excitement to get his brother back clear in his voice, but he cut himself off when he got a good look at them. At Jaden clinging to Yugi like a koala.

“Hey Mokuba. I’d like you to meet Jaden.” Yugi greeted their younger friend before turning his attention to the little boy in his arms. “Jaden,” he gently coaxed the boy to raise his head. “This is my friend Mokuba Kaiba.”

Jaden turned his attention to the 12 year old standing in front of them. Mokuba looked at the kid with a bit of awe. It was weird to see Yugi as a father. Not a bad thing, but Mokuba had lost his parent when he was so young, and Gozaburo was anything but fatherly. So Mokuba didn’t have any real ruler to measure fatherhood by. He was practically raised by Seto. But watching as Yugi gently introduced his son to him. As he coaxed him out of hiding and got the boy to smile and laugh, every movement was gentle and kind, as Yugi always was. It made him have a weird feeling in his stomach.

“Uh It’s nice to meet you.” Mokuba remembered his manners just in time to greet the now waving little boy. “Yugi are you ready to go?” He wanted to get this conversation back on track.

“I am. Jaden is going to stay with Joey.” Yugi explained nodding his head towards Joey who shot Mokuba a little two finger salute.

“Hey Mokuba.” He greeted casually.

“Hey Joey.” Mokuba returned the greeting but his eyes quickly tracked back to the little boy in Yugi’s arms. He had to be about the same age Mokuba was when he was adopted by Gozaburo. Mokuba couldn’t imagine going through that without Seto. But seeing how Jaden clung to Yugi the same way Mokuba used to cling to Seto, before Gozaburo worked his teachings into Seto’s heart, it made him realize something.

Yugi was Jaden’s Seto, Jaden’s protector. Mokuba was 12 years old and he still hated when Seto left him for to long a time period, one of the many reasons he was so desperate to bring Seto home, be he knows he was even worse when he was younger. Now he’s the one asking Jaden’s protector to abandon him. How was that fair? But no one else could go after Seto. There had to be something he could do to make this easier on the kid.

“They can stay here.” Mokuba practically shouted at them, taking Yugi and Joey back. Mokuba quickly realized what he had done and tried to regain control of himself. “Like we talked about earlier Jaden and Joey can stay here with me. That way they can get updates on your progress.” This way Jaden could know his protector was safe, and that he was coming home.

Yugi seemed to understand what Mokuba was offering. Mokuba wouldn’t put it past Yugi to know exactly why he was offering it to, he was just that good at reading people. Especially the Kaiba brothers. Yugi’s face softened. “That would be great Mokuba.” He replied before pivoting to Joey, “if it’s alright with you.”

“You kidding. We get to keep an eye on you and live off of rich-boy dime? Sign me up.” Joey was always great at keeping the mood light. While he would never pass up the opportunity to mess with Kaiba, he knew having a tab on Yugi would greatly decrease his own anxiety about the whole thing. And he was sure that it would help Jaden to.

“Then it’s settled. You to can stay with me until Yugi gets back. Now let’s head up.” Mokuba lead them to the elevator that took them to the top floor of the building, that is where the base of Kaiba’s devise lay.

The whole way up his eyes kept traveling to Yugi and Jaden. Yugi was quietly talking to the boy. Telling him stories about his other trips to Kaiba Corp, or just reassuring him that all would be well. And suddenly that funny feeling was back in Mokuba’s stomach.

It wasn’t until Jaden laughed at something that Yugi said, the two smiling softly at each other that Mokuba put together what he was feeling. He was jealous. Yugi had only had Jaden for a short time but he was already taking to the role of his father. He was kind and reassuring. Just in the short time that Mokuba had known about Jaden he could tell that Yugi already put the boy ahead of everything, as his only hesitation in chasing after Seto had been his concern for Jaden.

It made Mokuba wonder what it would have been like to grow up with such a comforting presence. He wondered how his life would have been different. How Seto would have been different, if they had ended up with a man like Yugi rather than a man like Gozaburo. Would Seto smile more? Would he still call him Moky? Mokuba loved his brother, and knew he worked hard for them to have the lives they did, but sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if they had stayed at that orphanage. And now watching Yugi and Jaden, he can’t help but wonder about what would have happened if someone like Yugi adopted them.

“You okay Mokuba?” Yugi asked drawing Mokuba back to the present. He looked up to see all three boys staring at him with varying degrees of worry.

“Yah, why?” Mokuba tried to shake it off. He was fine after all.

“Um, cause we’re at the top dude.” Joey said pointing to the open elevator doors. Mokuba’s cheeks burned. Oh he had really zoned out there huh.

“Mokuba it’s okay if you’re worried about Kaiba. We understand.” Yugi tried to reassure him, but Mokuba shook it off.

“There’s nothing to worry about.” That’s a lie. Why would he have dragged Yugi into this if he wasn’t worried, but Mokuba had been more concerned with covering up why he had zoned out. Now that the words have left his mouth though he realized how dumb they sounded and-

“You’re right.” Jaden spoke with confidence. “Yugi’s going to bring Mr. Kaiba back so there’s nothing to worry about, because Yugi always comes back to me.”

And Mokuba remembers having that level of confidence in Seto. He had that confidence in Seto when he left, but it’s been a month now… no Jaden was right. They were coming back. Yugi would bring Seto back. Because Yugi always comes back for Jaden and Seto always comes back for Mokuba.

“You’re right Jaden. Yugi will bring Seto back no problem.” Mokuba agreed. Yugi had never let Mokuba down. He wouldn’t start now, not with his own son’s faith in the line.

Mokuba turned and lead them towards the machine that would take Yugi to another dimension, to the afterlife.

Yugi was starting to get nervous. Having Jaden and Mokuba’s unwavering faith was nice. He just hoped he could live up to it.

Mokuba walked over to a machine on the side of the room and picked up a bracelet like thing. “Here Yugi hold out your wrist.” He called as he walked back over to them. Yugi balanced Jaden on his hip and held out his dominant hand (the one his duel disk wasn’t strapped to). Mokuba clasped the devise around his wrist and the thing lit up with a soft purple glow. “This will keep track of your vitals while you’re in the other dimension.” Mokuba explained.

Yugi nodded along understand the importance of such a device. He then watched as Mokuba made his way to the center of the room. A pod like devices sat in the center, it had a triangular shape with the point coming to the front and widening as it went back. The top had a dome like structure and he could see a chair inside of the contraption. Mokuba clicked a button and the machine opened up, the top separating from the bottom in front and raising up like a clam shell would.

“This is the how you’ll get to the other dimension. Once you’re inside we’ll start the sequence to send you after Seto.” Mokuba explained.

“So I guess this is it then?” Joey said as he walked over to Yugi and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Be careful out there.”

Yugi smiled brightly back at his friend. “When am I not?”

Joey chuckled. “I mean it Yug. I won’t be there to watch your back.” He paused then making sure he had his friend’s attention. “Just come back safe, and bring rich boy with you.” he tired to make it light with a joke at the end but his worry was bleeding through.

Yugi smiled warmly at his friend. “I’ll come back. Nothings going to stop me.” He then turned his attention to the little boy in his arms. He could see tears welling up in Jaden’s eyes but the boy wasn’t letting them fall yet. “Hey” he called to bring the boys attention to him. “I’m coming back. This isn’t ‘goodbye,’ it’s ‘I’ll see you soon.’ I promise.”

Jaden gave a shaky nod and a weak smile. “Okay.”

Yugi reach his free hand up and tangled it into Jaden’s hair, bring the little one’s forehead close and pressing a kiss to it. “I love you, Jaden. I’ll be back soon.”

Jaden wrapped his arms tightly around Yugi’s neck giving him one final hug. “I love you to.”

Joey moved to stand next to Yugi. With a little prompting Yugi got Jaden to release his grip and move over to Joey’s open arms. Joey propped Jaden on to his hip and shot a big smile at the boy and then at Yugi.

“You’ve got this Yug! We’ll be here waiting when you come back.” Joey cheered as he did a fist pump with his free hand. Then he turned his attention to Jaden, “right littlest buddy?” He said it with a confident smile and a warm tone encouraging Jaden.

The little boy followed his lead sending a big smile Yugi’s way and a little cheer. “Yep! Yugi always comes back.”

Yugi smiled back and moved to take his seat in the devise.

“Alright, we need to get to the control room.” Mokuba called leading Joey and Jaden away. Leaving Yugi alone for a moment while they got everything into position. His hand found its way to his deck, his fingers dancing over the lid as he sent a silent plea for strength and protection to his cards. He could feel their spirits rising to meet him, offering comfort and support. He could do this. He’d get there, find Kaiba, and come home.

“Yugi can you hear me?” He heard Mokuba call over the loud speakers. He looked up and he could see a glass panel on one of the walls that lead to the control room. He could see Mokuba standing next to the glass with Joey and Jaden next to him. Joey was pointing down at the pod and talking to Jaden, before he and the boy both waved to Yugi.

He smiled up at them and waved back. “I can hear you Mokuba.”

“Good. The pod is going to launch you up into the other dimension. Once you’re there a dimensional clone of the pod will stay where you landed. You need to find Seto and his pod. Once you do, get him into his pod and hit the return button, it’s the green one on the right.” Yugi looked over and saw a bright green button on the right of his pod. Thankfully it was the only green button there. “Once Seto is back you can head back to your pod. Just be carful if the pod gets destroyed I don’t have another way to bring you back.”

Yugi could hear the sound of a raised voice but couldn’t hear what they were saying. Looking up though he could see Joey looking at Mokuba and talking very animatedly, so he guessed that Joey was making his displeasure at that news known. “I understand.” He called to get them back on track. “Any time limit I need to worry about?”

“Nope. Just get home soon.” Mokuba responded over the noise on the other line.

“Got it. Well I’m off then. See you guys soon.” Yugi put as much confidence into his voice as he could, wanting to calm both Joey and Jaden’s nerves.

The pod lid closed down around him. He could hear the count down and then suddenly he was thrusted upwards. The glass lid of the pod allowed him to see what looked like space rushing by him at an incredible speed. The force knocking him back into his chair and he had to appreciate Kaiba’s decision to have the chair in a laid back position or else this pressure would be unbearable.

Then just as quickly as it started it ended. The scene in front of his pod was that of a beautiful blue sky. He opened up the pod and looked around and was hit with some serious déjà vu as the desert sand and scenery reminded him of the memory world. He could see a city and palace not far from him and had a feeling deep in his chest, one he almost forgot how it felt, that Atem was there.

He was going to see Atem again.

[twighdark]

The more I think about my childhood, especially my primary school to early middle school years, i realize how messed up they actually were and I just didn’t notice thanks to my neurodivergency.

I was bullied, relentlessly. Not in the “gimme your lunch-money”-way, but in the *giving extremely convoluted game rules so you’ll get frustrated and leave* kinda way. The kids who I considered friends only kept me around for a handful of reasons:

- free entertainment because I was “too stupid” to notice them tricking/making fun of me,

- defending them against teachers since I was a good student and had some more breathing space,

- doing the homework they didn’t wanna do because it was “too hard” for them, and I just wanted to help,

- asking me favours they knew I wouldn’t come to collect,

- an extra birthday party to attend, and finally:

- me being far too understanding and not angry when they didn’t want me around for any reason.

The moment we hit 5th grade, the boy who I considered to be my best friend told me flat-out that he was not interested in being friends anymore. It hurt badly, especially since he was so nonchalant about it, but I just rationalized it away. we’d be in different classes, after all.

Nope, he had just never really thought of me as an actual friend at all. Turns out his grandmother had put him up to it, since she “felt sorry” for me.

A “good-luck letter” that we were supposed to write to one of our friends at the end of 4th grade, since some of us would be going to other schools, came from my homeroom teacher while I wrote something for said friend. But that was okay, since everyone else had already figured out who was writing to whom, and I had just been to slow to join a group.

Nope, they deliberately exluded me, since nobody was interested in writing to the weird, fat kid, and my teacher felt sorry for me.

In general, the only reason why adults always seemed to favour my opinion was because it coincided with theirs. I was a nice, hardworking, undisruptive student. I was an “old soul”. I was convenient. I was such a social outcast that they, while they felt sorry for me, could guiltlessly use me as the joykill rule-enforcer, since my social standing couldn’t possibly get any lower and I happily and dutifully followed every rule there was.

So much more stuff happened, or didn’t happen that should have, that this post could go on forever. And I didn’t even notice it until I was around 17, already better integrated into my environment because I finally perfected my mask. For the most part. Still fat, still a little clueless, but acceptably so. I found that letter from my teacher again. I broke down crying because I finally understood that back then, my “friends” couldn’t have cared less and I was always just a charity case to the teachers.

In the end, I grew either smart, confident, or manipulative enough to not be messed with anymore. I lost a good chunk of my genuine kindness to those changes, and the changes hurt. I had to reinvent my whole personality and approach just to not be the clueless laughing stock anymore, and I lost a lot of myself in the process.

I got some genuine friends later on who are mostly, ya guessed it, also neurodivergent. I still struggle with differentiating which parts of me were actually there in the first place, and which parts I had to build out of self defense, because those are the ones that give me breakdowns.

I spent the majority of my life thinking I just had a normal childhood. The moment the truth hit me, so many of my mannerisms, my anxieties, my traumas, finally made sense. And I’m still reeling from it. Likely will be for the rest of my life.

So for the record:

Kids are far more cruel than you might think, kids behaving more like adults than kids is NOT normal or healthy, and if you’re neurodivergent and think your symptoms only showed up once you were a teen or older, reconsider. Chances are, a lot of trauma responses actually stem from stuff you didn’t even notice at first.

[bots-and-cons]

What type of soulmate AU do you think Optimus prime would have (timer, red string, tattoo, first words, etc), what are his opinions? Would he be opposed to meeting his soulmate? Would he try to avoid them? (Gn human reader preferably ^^)

Uuu, I’ve maybe done one soulmate thing in this blog, but I’m not sure. I really like soulmate AU stuff though and I feel like this was sort of funny to write. Idk if this is actually funny to anyone but me but hey, at least I had fun. Pretty long for HCs and might have gone a bit off track also, but eh. If you want to me to find the other soulmate thing you can ask but you can also just check the masterlist in the pinned post and look for it yourself, I’m pretty sure it’s an OP or a Ratchet one

•I think I like the whole first words thing for him

•Optimus was incredibly confused when he read the words etched onto his wrist for the first time

•To his surprise he didn’t understand a word, because it wasn’t cybertronian it was some language that was foreign to him at the time

•When he eventually came to earth and learned english he was quite perplexed by the fact that it was of a human language, a single word in english that decorated his wrist

•”Quack?” was what it said

•He of course soon realized this either meant his soulmate was a human, or some autobot or a decepticon he had yet to meet that was also on earth and was using english

•The sentence itself had him quite convinced that his soulmate was indeed a human

•Optimus of course turned out to be right about that

•You’d been wondering your whole damn life what the hell the words on your wrist meant

•What situation could you possibly get yourself into, where someone had to tell you “Duck!”

•There was an exclamation point and everything, so were you going to get attacked by a duck and someone was going to warn you or something

•A lot of people made fun of you because of the word you had, many people came up with all kinds of crazy/stupid scenarios for it, but you never really found any of them funny or realistic

•But none of them would come even close to how crazy it was when it actually happened

•Optimus honestly wished he wouldn’t meet you, he didn’t want another person he cared about for Megatron to hurt

•He got really anxious about it for a while, and when he did eventually meet you the anxiety got even worse

•So, how did you actually end up meeting your soulmate?

•It was just about the worst day of your life, you were out for a walk, because your head couldn’t handle being cooped up at home anymore and you ended in some remote part of a park on the edge of town

•You saw some weird lights in the woods nearby and your curiosity got the better of you so you went to investigate

•You had no idea what you were looking at at first

•There were these light projectiles going back and forth and the sound of metal scraping on metal

•Then you heard it, someone yelling “Duck!” at you, you didn’t realize it was a command to move so you just meekly went “Quack?” because of course that’s a reasonable reaction

•Then you got swept of your feet by something very big and got pushed to the side

•Optimus just froze when he heard you say that, because he knew what it meant

•He’d found his soulmate in the first possible moment, in the middle of battle

•The autobots had to retreat and Optimus grabbed you to take you with him, because he couldn’t just leave you there with the cons, you were just a tiny human and they would’ve surely hurt you

•At some point you’d just closed your eyes and the next time you opened them was when you were set down on something soft

•You were sitting on a couch, in some place you didn’t recognize and surrounded by some huge robot looking things

•Since there was no one else around, you figured your soulmate had to be one of them, but since you’d closed your eyes, you hadn’t seen who’d talked to you before

•So you go taken in by the autobots, but it was weeks before Optimus admitted he was your soulmate, because he was terrified or the consequences 

•Optimus felt like if he didn’t tell you, you would be safer, that maybe you wouldn’t be targeted if nobody knew

•He most definitely did not want you to get involved with him, but of course fate had other plans

[permanentmess]

cornelia street (pietro maximoff x fem!reader)

A/N: I've been sitting on this one for a few months, but I felt weird writing it while I still had a boyfriend. I hope you enjoy!

Warnings: none that I know of, maybe just some mentions of past unhealthy relationships, anxiety, alcohol consumption, etc.

Genre: fluff, minor angst mixed in but a happy ending

Word count: 2,556

GIF NOT MINE

New York City is a chaotic place, which means its absolutely perfect for Tony Stark and his parties. He will find any reason to have them, and that meant that since it was Pietro and Wanda’s birthday, what better occasion?

When you step outside, the nip of the cold February air sobers you every so slightly, and cools your body significantly. Between the bar being packed, the shot of Asgardian liquor you’d had (which had been more than enough, you haven’t sobered in the 5 hours since you had taken said shot), and Pietro’s body tucked next to you, you’d been sweating. 

Although the birthday party had been a lot of fun, you both were more than ready to go home, grateful for the drastic change in noise and temperature. 

Pietro, who is about as drunk as you, takes your hand as he raises his other to signal to one of Tony’s driver’s that he’s ready to go. He lets go of it almost immediately, as you slide into the backseat, but quickly grabs it again once he’s positioned his head to rest on you and slurs a “thank you” to the driver. It will be a long car drive home, but you don’t mind. 

“Do you remember when I had that apartment over here? In, uhh, Greenwich I think.” You can feel the vibrations against your head as he speaks and they soothe you. You nod, remembering what he had told you around the time he started renting it. 

~

You and Pietro were in a cab, heading back to the Stark Tower after attending a Gala that was “important for press” as Tony put it. 

“You know, I rent an apartment on Cornelia Street.” You think it’s random for him to have said, but glancing around you realize you’re quite near it. As you meet his eyes, a flurry of thoughts run through your head, leading you to perk up. 

“Oh my god, do you live near Taylor Swift?! I know she lives around here an-” 

“I tell you I’m secretly renting an apartment, despite already having a place to live, and your first thought is Taylor Swift?” He says it like he’s offended, but he’s grinning the whole time at you. You nod frantically.  

“On a serious note though, why?” You ask him, wanting him to elaborate on his first thought. 

“I’ve never truly lived on my own. Wanda’s always been there, and then I immediately moved into a place with so many people coming and going. Sometimes, I just want to be alone.” You touch his hand lightly and give him a gentle, closed-lip smile. 

“I think that is a perfectly valid reason.” 

~

“I do. You loved that place, especially after missions.” You recall, staring out the windshield. The lights of the city had always left you dazzled, moreso now that you were drunk. 

“Yeah, but I liked it more with you around.” He presses a kiss to your head. 

~ 

Your feet were tired, mostly because Wanda and Nat insisted that Gogo boots would be super cute and if you got drunk enough (a difficult feat with your super-powered body), you wouldn’t feel it. 

And while they were right on the cute part, by the time you were reaching the last stretch before Pietro’s apartment, you were near tears with how much you just wanted to rest them. The place Tony held his Halloween party wasn’t far from there, but you underestimated how long it would feel by the end of the night. You abruptly stop when you feel a few rain drops , and groan. Pietro stops next to you just as quickly. 

“You okay?” He asks and then suddenly feels the drops. You sigh. 

“My feet hurt so bad that I’m about to cry and now we have to walk in the rain the rest of the way back.” He stares at you for a moment, contemplating. He’s been staring at you a lot lately, even when he thinks you don’t notice. And he’ll hold your hand a lot more, and he’s been kissing you on the cheek more often. Things friends typically don’t do. 

“I can help you with pain, I’ll just carry you back, but,” he pauses. “You have to dance in the rain with me once we get back.” 

“Doesn’t that….kinda defeat the purpose of carrying me back? I’ll still have to stand and move around to do that once we get back.” 

“Then I’ll just put your feet on mine and move us. Problem solved,” he squats down, curls bouncing slightly. Thankfully, you had gone the practical route and decided on shorts. (Matt Murdock had recently been employed as the Avenger’s lawyer, but you had found out about his Daredevil side and thought it would be hilarious to dress up as a “sexy Daredevil” for Halloween, hence the Gogo boots. When you described him your costume, he laughed at you, but approved.)

By the time you were set down in front of Pietro’s building, it was raining harder. But at that point, your feet didn’t hurt as badly as before, and you were soaking in Pietro’s warmth as you took advantage of being close to him. 

“Thank you.” You give him a grin, holding out your hand. “My good sir, would you ever be so kind as to offer a simple girl such as I a dance?” He looked at you like you had two heads before grinning back at you and pulling you closer. You could hear music from one of the apartments around, and danced to the bass of what you thought was “Monster Mash.” 

Once the song ended, you shivered and he raised his eyebrows at you, nodding his head towards the door. You muttered a quick yes but he paused for a moment longer, staring at you and your soaking wet form. Goosebumps covered your arms and your hair looked like you had just taken a shower. He leaned forward and gave you the lightest of kisses against the lips, shocking you to your core, before punching in his code and grabbing your hand to lead you upstairs, ready to decompress from the night. 

~

“I did stay there quite a bit, huh? Kinda defeated the purpose of you living alone,” you mention and he lifts his head to look at you. 

“I had already been living there for a month, I still wanted you around then though. You know me, I do what I want,” he told you, looking you in the eyes. 

You think leaving the party had sobered you significantly, but you were always tipsy off of the way Pietro treated you. He made you feel so loved, in a way no one before him had ever even remotely done, and he never felt fake about anything. There was no pressure to be someone you weren’t, or do something you didn’t want to. You smiled as you played with the engagement ring with your right hand, Pietro’s holding your left hand. 

“What are you thinking about?” You ask him, tilting your head. 

“Just how lucky I am to have you. Я тебя люблю.” It makes you smile. You had learned Russian for a mission once, in an intense course, and he wanted to support you, so he took it with you. It made you reciprocate the sentiment exactly. 

“Я тоже тебя люблю.” You lean your head back against him, the tapering of the alcohol making you drowsy. You recount more times on Cornelia Street. 

~

It was quite the common occurrence for you to be at Pietro’s apartment without him there, especially when anxious.  

Today was no exception. 

You and Pietro decided to book a spontaneous trip to Lake Como last week, but ironically, that was not the reason you were anxious, just the reason you were there. Your flight would leave early next morning, allowing you to sleep on the plane (“First class, Tony pays us well,” Pietro had insisted, in a sleep-deprived haze (it had been 3 A.M. after a rough mission), and who were you to deny him?). You would start your trip the minute you landed. 

No, you were anxious solely because you started to worry he didn’t want to go anymore. It seemed irrational, but it was the only thought bouncing around your head. Maybe you had been coming to his apartment too much, so he was avoiding you. Maybe he was out with another girl right now, having a one night thing before he was stuck on vacation with you for a week. 

And that thought is what did it in for you. 

He hadn’t necessarily even done anything for him to make you feel this way, and you knew that. You knew it was all in your head, a product of the continuous discarding of you in the past by others. How they would use you as a status symbol, wanting the notoriety of having a girlfriend, the prestige of being with someone so gorgeous and intelligent, and then when they realized you wouldn’t put out, they would leave, or cheat, or slowly distance themselves until you couldn’t handle the lack of reciprocation and broke it off. 

You didn’t want to be hurt that deeply again. Losing your best friend because he knew you were in love with him and didn’t feel the same. Wanda had to have said something to him by now, right? (Wrong, but you didn’t know that at the time. Wanda protected your secrets with her life.). 

Consumed with nauseating dread, you grabbed your bags and anything else you had left there (a few jackets and t-shirts) and quickly locked the door behind you, heading to your car. 

~

You hadn’t been driving for too long, New York traffic impeding your progress. It was fairly late in the evening, so you felt that it was even worse. You just wanted to get out of there, maybe even just pack up and leave, start over somewhere else, get a new job. But you knew you were being unreasonable, you just wanted to clear your head before you explained yourself to Pietro.

You’re just coming to a stop again when you jolt at the sound of your phone ringtone blaring through your car’s bluetooth. You already know who it is, but are hesitant to answer. You take a deep breath and click ‘accept.’  

“Where are you?” he says, sounding out of breath. You want to just hold it in, just let yourself calm down, but the thing with Pietro is that he always knew just the way to get you to open up. And that’s what you did. 

“Look, I'm just overthinking right now and I think I just need to go home and not do this vacation.” 

“What are you overthinking about?” You hesitate again, but decide that you can’t keep doing this back and forth forever. 

“I can’t tell what you’re feeling. Sometimes I think you could like me back, other times it seems like you’re not interested in me anymore. I can’t tell what’s going on and it’s freaking me out and then you were late and I got worried that maybe you had someone else you were hanging around and liked them more and-”

“Just come back home. Please.” His voice is raw with emotion, like how he’ll sound sometimes when he’s getting worked up or near tears. You’ve only heard it a few times, but those few times made you know you didn’t ever want to hear it again. 

“I’m on my way, traffic’s being a bitch though.” That got a little chuckle out of him and you felt better, turning around the first moment you could. 

~

“Why did you leave?” He’s frantic but attempting (terribly) to hide it the minute you step in front of him. He had been waiting on the sidewalk out front for you. 

“I told you, I’m overthinking like crazy. It literally drove me insane.” You feel ashamed now, seeing how much he cared that you were missing. You wondered why you even began thinking that way to begin with. 

“Don’t you get it? How much more obvious can I be that I’m in love with you and only you? I mean I compliment you all the time, I kissed you on Halloween, I’m only touchy with you. If I’m gone or don’t respond it’s because I’m busy or overwhelmed, not because I’m ignoring you.” 

You freeze. Your fears begin to subside and you take a step towards him, suddenly he’s grabbing you by the waist and brushing your hair away from your face with both hands. He presses gentle kisses along the entirety of your face before gently placing a kiss on your lips, for the first time since that Halloween night.

For a moment, you forget that you’re outside. You forget that anything outside of you two exists. All you can focus on is the softness of his lips, how his hands rest gently on your face. 

~~

This was not how you were expecting to spend the day before your wedding. It was just a whim, one last little walk down memory lane before you were going to spend the rest of your life with the man that was walking beside you. You’re not sure why this made you nervous. 

“You’ve got a death grip on my hand, are you alright my love?” Pietro’s looking at you when you look up at him, biting your lip and loosening your grip a little.

“Yeah, just been nervous. Not sure why either.” He nods and soon you arrive at the door of the apartment. He had been preparing this as a surprise for you for a while, and worked it out with the apartment company to visit momentarily. However, Pietro has never been one to keep secrets from you, and told you a few days ago when he got everything worked out. 

When you step foot into the apartment, you’re hit with a wave of nostalgia, thinking back to every type of memory you two had here. 

How he had brought you up after his confession and slow-danced with you in the kitchen with the lights dimmed. 

Your first major argument where you went and sobbed on his balcony, and how he almost immediately folded and held you after, apologizing profusely.

Stumbling around his apartment drunkenly during a party he had thrown, looking for him. He found you, far more sober than you were, and immediately led you to grab water. You started crying because of your confusion due to your drunken state and he held you close before making you lie down in his room, ending the party slightly earlier than planned so that you could rest. 

You turn to him and you can tell he’s deep in thought with how quiet he’s gone, staring at the bare apartment around you both. 

“Do you think the mark from where Bucky accidentally bumped into the wall is still there?” You let go of Pietro’s hand momentarily and head to the doorway of the kitchen, eyes glancing over the wall. You wave him over and he’s there immediately, and you point out the small dent that many could easily overlook. 

He places a hand on your back and you realize then that tomorrow will be the start of the greatest chapter of your life. 

[slutforstabbings-archive]

Clean Again

Chapter 12: THORNS read on AO3 | previous chapter | tumblr chapter index make sure to check AO3 for this fic's playlist and other extras! Corey comes down... general warnings for this fic - angst, fluff, eventual smut (MDNI), canon-typical violence, canon-typical gore contents/warnings for this chapter - oops! all angst 3,397 words @rebel-blue @heartrot666 @wolvesandvampires @cordelium @toxicanonymity @multifandom--mess @hersweetrevenge @futurewife @yllcm @ethanhoewke dm me or reply to this post to be added to the tag list 💕

Your car will never be a show car. While it's in impressively good shape for its age, and people often express surprise about its condition, there has been no blobject renaissance. Cute cars from the era of soft shapes are firmly out. Nobody is desperately searching for a PT Cruiser. But you love your little jelly bean to death, and for years it’s been a thorn in your side that the first thing you did at 16 upon being given full control is switch the radio out. 

You just had to have a CD player and an aux port for your iPod, the cassette converter thingy wasn’t good enough for you. The aftermarket radio wound up looking dumb, the design severely clashing with the rest of the car’s knobs and gauges, and the CD player skipped at every tiny pothole and rock you drove over. It’s exceedingly low priority – you’ve been dealing with it so long that most days you don’t even notice, and in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter much at all – but for a while you've been set on reinstalling the factory radio someday.

You told Corey this early on, just in passing. You had no reason to think that he had internalized it. You didn’t realize at the time how Corey held onto things, good, bad, and neutral, with white knuckles in his heart. So, unbeknownst to you, he’s been looking for the right radio ever since. Now you sit in the backseat watching him disconnect the aftermarket radio’s wiring harness, half of your dashboard piled up in the driver's seat. You still haven't talked to him about the birthday thing. 

The drive home Wednesday night was quiet, just the road noise and the local college radio station turned low. Corey slumped against the passenger window with glazed eyes. When you glanced over at him, it seemed like he was barely there. You cursed yourself for thinking he could handle the hotbox, feeling bad because you knew it probably made his anxiety worse instead of better, and annoyed because you needed to talk to him about this birthday bullshit, but he was already going to be bummed out from the comedown. How hard would it have been for you to suggest snuffing out the joint as soon as you started to notice Corey getting wobbly? Of course not passing it to him wasn’t enough when the entire car was one swirling cloud. 

When you got home he was even clingier than normal, stalking you through your apartment with hunched shoulders until you sat on the couch and patted your thighs, beckoning him to come lay his head in your lap. 

That was when the floodgates opened. He must've been even worse off than you had thought, he didn't seem to have come down much at all yet. He was confused about why it was so different from last time, and reassurances that it was normal did nothing to quell his building panic. Despite your best effort to get him to resist, he followed the paranoia all the way down the rabbit hole, worrying that the joint was spiked, that Veronica had mixed something else with the weed, that she hated him, that he’d feel weird for the rest of his life. 

“Will you still love me if I feel this weird forever?” He asked, like he’d already been devastated by the answer.

“You’re not going to feel weird forever, Corey.” 

“But would you love me if I did?”

“I’d love you no matter what.” 

“No, you wouldn’t,” he insisted with tears in his eyes.

Like the night you watched The Lobster, you suddenly felt like you weren't really talking about him being stoned forever. Self-inflicted, you thought, and your annoyance settled into guilt.  

You swept your hand over his forehead, brushing his curls back. “I would.”  

You finally convinced him that he'd feel better if he took a shower. When he got out, you were lying in bed on your back, staring up at the ceiling. How had you let yourself make it this far without knowing his birthday? How could you miss such a big gap in your basic knowledge of him? And the date had come and gone since you met him! Did he say something and you just forgot? Are you a terrible girlfriend? 

Corey came into the room in his boxers, his skin still hot and pink, his hair towel dried. He curled up next to you with his head on your chest, and before you could say anything to him at all, he was asleep.

It feels like a rain cloud following you around. It's only been a couple days, but the window is closing, the problem edging closer and closer to being something you have to just let go. And you've considered letting it go. You're not mad at him, he doesn't seem to even realize you didn't know, and now you do know. The weak, sad version of you that stayed with Orin so long, that took forever to break things off with Hurley, certainly would have left it alone. But that feels like a regression. There just hasn't been a good time to bring it up yet. 

And now isn't a good time either. You've established a precedent, beginning all those weeks ago when he came to fix your sewing machine – you let him work in silence. If either of you speaks, it's always him who initiates, explaining what he’s doing, asking you to reposition the flashlight, giving you instructions for a task that requires more delicate fingers than his. It must be more than 100 degrees in the car, but the sweat that beads your forehead isn’t from the heat.

In front of you, Corey’s already securing the radio cage back into the dash, wordlessly reaching between the seats for you to hand him the screws one by one. The humidity turns his hair into a frizzy halo all around his head. You know he’s no angel, but his presence in your life feels like such a blessing, and while you might not be angry, the conversation will still be a confrontation. You’re terrified of pushing him away, scaring him off, like taking a step too quickly towards a backyard deer you want to eat out of your hand. If you’re not careful he’ll startle, bolting back into the woods, and you’ll be left standing there alone with a handful of wasted oats. He snaps the last piece of your dashboard into place, then rotates to look at you.

“Moment of truth,” he says. “Keys?”

You hand him your keys and he cranks the engine. Blue-green digits appear on the display. He clicks the radio’s power button and the speakers hum lowly with static. He spins the knob back and forth and the volume rises and falls. He presses a few of the other buttons, making sure the functions of all the rainbow wires he twisted together are present and accounted for, then he sets your clock and station presets for you.

"All good," he announces. 

"Yay!" You exclaim. "It's so nice to have her back to her original glory. I can't wait to start buying tapes from work. Thank you so much, Corey." You lean forward over the center console to give him a gentle, lingering kiss.

"No problem." He clears his throat.

"How did you find it anyway?" 

"I had some alerts set on parts websites. I almost had it a couple times but I kept losing it. Auction ending while I was at work, shit like that. I had to fight for this one. Like, I got in a bidding fight for it." 

You sense an opening. It’s not a good one, but you take it before you can change your mind. “I guess Madame Veronica was right,” you say. 

“What do you mean?” Corey asks.

“The shit she said about Aries. They like a challenge and fight for their loved ones or whatever.” 

He just looks at you and shakes his head no.

“Do you remember that conversation at all?” You ask. “You were pretty far gone.”

“It’s all fuzzy. She complimented Dad’s ring. I got a sandwich. The bathroom was really clean.” He shrugs.

Fuck, you think, somehow both disappointed and relieved. If he doesn’t remember then maybe… Maybe it actually would be okay to just let it go. Maybe it isn’t regression. The old you avoided conflict for your own sake, because you didn’t want to make yourself feel bad. But this isn’t that. This is a conflict you want to avoid for Corey’s sake. Do you really need to ask him why he didn’t tell you his birthday? The only people who don’t get excited about their birthday are people who were never celebrated enough, and people who wish they were never born in the first place. The implication makes your heart ache. What could you gain from the conversation that you don’t already know? Why hurt him needlessly? 

“Yeah. I’m so sorry about that. When you have a higher tolerance you don’t realize how much it can fuck somebody else up if they don’t have a tolerance at all. You don’t remember what happened when we got home either?” 

He shakes his head again. That settles it. If he doesn’t know how badly he spiraled, his overall impression of the night is probably pretty good, right? Why soil what little he remembers with a question that will feel like an accusation, no matter how much you insist it’s not? 

“Well, what happened?” 

“I got you to take a shower to sober up, but you didn’t sober up at all, you just rolled straight out of the shower and into bed. Out like a light.” 

Corey chuckles and it makes you giggle. Your giggle makes him laugh harder. His wide, dimpled smile floods you with affection. You crane over the center console to kiss him again, turning his laughter into a buzzing sound inside his face. The commercial block on the radio ends and the station identifies itself over the sparkling acoustic guitar of a late 90’s bubblegum pop hit. The song is cheesy, but the sentiment resonates. Would you love him, no matter what? I would.

You kiss him until the song ends. His face is damp and shiny when you pull away. 

“Let’s go inside,” you say. “It’s way too fucking hot out here.” 

Not long after you go inside, the sky turns a menacing gray, any trace of the sun blotted out. You hear distant thunder like a giant’s stomach rumbling, just as fat raindrops start to splash against the windows. You turn off all the lights in favor of a hoard of candles and the glow of the TV. Corey lays on the couch and you tangle yourself in his legs, settling in to play Smash Bros until your thumbs go numb. You’re extremely impressed with how good he’s gotten, and how quickly, but you’re far too competitive to allow the student to surpass the master, his every skill increase prompting one for you too. Almost every match goes into sudden death. When you can’t take another tie, you blow out all the candles and drag him off to bed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Corey wasn’t completely honest with you about what he remembers from Wednesday night. He didn’t quite lie, but he left something out, more of an impression than a memory. The impression that Veronica is a severe threat, well beyond the level of any other person in his life. 

The impression that she’s more dangerous than Phil and Joanna, who don’t understand the internet and have helped him enough to be implicated should anything happen, more dangerous than his boss Will, who only pays half of his employees the way the government requires him to and would have to answer for all the taxes he and Corey haven’t paid. The impression that she’s more dangerous than even you, the person most sure of the good inside him, but with the most information to damn him, and the best chance of convincing a DA that he manipulated you into protecting him, blinding you with gifts and acts of service. The impression that Veronica could, would, and will destroy everything he's worked so hard for. It's only a matter of when. 

That timer has been ticking since the first fateful day at the library, but the countdown has accelerated now, and will only keep getting faster, without the gravity of a looming first meeting weighing it down. He felt pressured to say yes to Veronica's joint without the reasonable protest of pot being illegal, and he senses he'll feel pressured to say yes to more and more social outings without the reasonable protest of not liking new people. But she's not new anymore, you'll say, batting your pretty puppy eyes. And Corey will have no choice but to follow you to his own undoing. 

In the dark he pulls you closer, wishing desperately that there was a way to have you all to himself. 

Corey’s intuition that meeting Veronica had broken the barrier between your time with him and the rest of your social calendar proves true two weeks later. He’s in the kitchen, cleaning up the dinner dishes when he hears you answer a phone call. He freezes in place, fork resting against the half-scraped plate he holds over the trash can.

“No, I’m not busy… Right now? Yeah I can… Yeah, he’s here… Okay, I’ll offer those suggestions, haha… Alright, see you in 15. Love you!” 

He’s still standing hunched over the garbage, paused mid-scrape when you come into the kitchen. 

“Are you okay?” You ask, noticing his unnatural posture.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says, resuming his task and trying not to panic. “Who were you talking to?”

“Rose. She needs some pants hemmed and she wanted to know if she could bring them by tonight. I told her it was okay, she said she understands if you just wanna stay in a different room while she’s here. I have to mark where the hem should be while she’s wearing the pants, but that should only take like 10 minutes.” 

Corey puts the dishes in the sink, very careful not to set them down with too much force, despite the fact that he wants to shatter them on the ground. “That’s fine,” he says.

“Are you sure? I can call her back and tell her to come a different time, or I can run over to her house instead and you can stay here, or sit in the car?”

He weighs his options. There was something you said once. Veronica is a pill, but Rose’s name suits her well. Which means that the consequences of refusing to meet or engage with her are probably minimal, that he can put off the inevitable for a day when he’s more prepared. That is, unless it gets back to Veronica that he avoided Rose. She would certainly think that reflected badly on him. And Rose allegedly being a sweetheart also means she could be an asset, a second sympathetic voice in chorus with yours. Veronica hearing that he agreed to meet her, having her vouch for him… This could be the one time meeting a new person is a good idea. If he never has to be in a position like this again, it would be too fucking soon. 

“It’s fine,” he affirms.

You come around the island to wrap your arms around him, smooching him all over his face. “Thank you, baby,” you murmur in his ear between kisses. 

Baby. The word dissolves his bones, turning him into a puddle at your feet. It’s only the second time you’ve ever called him that, and this time it isn’t mocking like it was when he struggled to hit the bong. This time you mean it. God, he is so fucked. No matter what happens from now on, he’s doomed, he’s damned, he’s absolutely, completely, irreparably fucked. But being torn apart by police dogs, giving the existing bullet hole in his window 1000 new friends in a shootout that he’s destined to lose, even life without parole would be worth it to hear you call him baby.  Stupid, lovesick bastard. 

When Rose arrives, Corey is sitting at the dining room table. 

“Hi, Corey! How are you tonight?” She asks like they're old friends. Her arms are loaded with fabric.

“Uh…Okay, and you?” He responds, caught off guard by just how different she already seems from Veronica. 

“I’m great! I’m so stoked for these pants to finally be the right length. Our girl over here is like a wizard, my clothes always come out so good when she fixes them.”

“Oh, stop,” you say, coming into the room with the step stool from the kitchen. 

"No, she's right. You always do a good job," he agrees. 

Rose goes down the hall to the bathroom, changes into one of the pairs of pants, and comes out to stand on the step stool. The three of you chat while you orbit around her feet with a pin cushion on your wrist, then she hops down to repeat the process. Corey’s shocked to find he enjoys the conversation. Even as it drains him to have his facade of normality tested like this, Rose is a soothing presence and he finds a sort of ease. It’s been so long since he’s done it, it takes him a minute to realize — this is what making a new friend feels like. Of course, any sense of calm Corey feels can only ever be short lived.

"Are you joining us for the bonfire, Corey?" Rose looks over her shoulder to address him as you pin the final pair of pants.

“What bonfire?” he asks. 

“We haven’t talked about it yet,” you say.

“Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to spring it on you." She looks between you, apologetic frown on her face.

“No, don’t worry about it.”

“What bonfire?” Corey asks again. 

“The annual Plymouth Records Summer Solstice bonfire,” you explain. “The store is closed that day and we all have a big party at the owner Gordon’s parents’ house. Is it his parents or maybe his aunt and uncle..?”  

“I think it’s his uncle,” Rose says.

“Right, it’s Gordon’s uncle’s house and it’s a big mansion on a bunch of acres in the middle of nowhere, and like, everybody in the scene comes and we just celebrate the longest day of the year.”

“It’s always a great time. This year Drew’s renting a smoker and everyone else is bringing meat and veggies for it! Who doesn’t love barbecue?”

Corey does love barbecue, but there is no food on Earth delicious enough to make him excited for a party in a mansion with all of your coworkers and God knows who else. He can see it now, one person stumbling up to him, insisting they know each other from somewhere. Another overhearing and joining in the guessing game. He does look awfully familiar. Everyone in the whole house studying his face and whispering suggestions into each other’s ears until a blood curdling scream cuts through all the noise and 100 fingers point at him. That’s the guy that killed that kid! He didn’t just kill a kid, he killed his own mother! How convenient to have a violent mob descend on him at a bonfire. All they’ll need to do is find a stake. 

Rose leaves to change again. 

“I’m sorry, Corey,” you say. “I didn’t want to present it to you like that.”

“Can we talk about it later?” 

“Of course.”

A door down the hallway opens. Rose returns in the outfit she came in, and hands you the pants you’d pinned, folded into a neat stack. The vibe is awkward now. She doesn’t stick around.

“Well, y’all have a good night. It was nice to meet you, Corey.”  

“You too,” he says. 

And it was. It’s not her fault wanted killers and backyard parties don’t mix. He just hopes that he was right about the protection being in her good graces might afford him. Clearly, he’s going to need it. She waves as she slips out the door. You close it behind her and flip the deadbolt lock into place for the night.

[nerves-nebula]

As a kid I noticed that no one liked the ends of bread loafs so I decided I wouldn’t let it go to waste or let anyone feel bad about not eating it. I also make myself milk shakes with bruised fruits, eat the icing no one wants off cupcakes for people & eat leftovers when I think whoever bought them must’ve forgotten about them. I often have to take a moment to decide if I can really handle these things (or to check if it’s truly unsuitable for consumption, I may tolerate stale bread but I will not eat mold… on purpose) & to prepare myself mentally to do so. I’m really good at acting like I’m just a silly goof tho so everyone thinks that I just really like eating weird things (which is partly true)

I was just wondering if any of the turtles might find themselves doing something like that. Raph would probably be the most likely, especially for the same reasons as me but I’ve also been seeing a lot of asks recently saying he has food sensory issues like Donnie? (Did you make a post about that because I feel like I’m missing something) I could also see Mikey having my weird food habits w/ how I cover it up

Ik your own sensory issues make answering food asks hard so don’t worry if you’re not sure how to answer this, just something I thought about yk?

i once drank like most of a cup of paint water. i dont remember why, i think it was an impulsive thing, and once i realized i'd been FORCED to eat worse tasting stuff I chugged it to make my friend laugh. then our teacher got freaked out cause like what if i just poisoned myself. not food, but an interesting story this reminded me of.

anyway, generally i tend to slot the turtles into these three categories when thinking about their relationships to food:

Will eat mostly anything: Raph (he's god food anxiety, if something can be considered Food he will eat it, possibly binge if there's too much, and hoard for later if he thinks he can), Mikey (enjoys food/isnt picky, will go out of his way to make food abominations to irritate/disgust his brothers)

Will eat a normal range of foods: Leo (probably the most normal attitude around food because she never starved as much as the others and he doesn't have a ton of sensory issues. still has some food anxiety & has trouble sharing, but she's pretty chill about it.)

Has a very strict set of safe foods: Donnie (a lot of sensory issues, a lot of being forced to eat things he cant stand, he has a lot of stress about being forced to eat new foods. if he tries something you say is good its likely that it means he trusts you- or at least cares enough about your opinion to give it a shot)

I don't remember everything I've said about the turtles, so it's possible I planned for Raph to have food sensory issues at some point but he doesn't as far as i remember. Honestly, his main stuff about food is bingeing, starvation, hoarding, not letting food go to waste, and his guilt about having cannibalistic intrusive thoughts.

Point is that it sounds like Raph would be closest to what you're doing here. Raph wouldn't wanna waste food EVER and he might even get triggered when other people do hah.

[coro-chan6]

Somehow Supernatural

Chapter 2: It's All Starting to Feel Real

Tags: poc!oc, gn!oc, teen!oc, panic attack, heavy cursing, Dean always needs his own warning, self-deprecating thoughts, mentions of anxiety, Cas not taking a hint, Deanstiel (or whatever the fuck Dean and Cas's ship name is), general chaos

Summary: The Winchesters and Cas have a meeting about Casey. It doesn't go too well, and Casey realizes what shit their stuck in.

Words: 2,675

I kinda felt like I was gonna vomit. Not because I needed to vomit, but because my tum-tum was doing flips and turns like a fucking rollercoaster due to my crippling anxiety. Usually, I would do little exercises that helped me regulate like my mom taught me, but that just reminded me that I was in a different universe where I might not be able to see my mom - or anyone I knew in real life - ever again. These consistent, little thoughts did not help my already upside-down stomach.

I was sitting in the bunker, in the room with the table that has the big map of the world. I liked to call this room the “meeting room” when I watched the show because… they met people in the meeting room. Come on, it was like the foyer of the bunker so everyone had to pass through it to fight and argue and shiz.

Anyway, I was sitting in the meeting room surrounded by men that I never thought I’d ever meet in person. Maybe the reason for my anxious tum was because of the “omg-smexy-men-are-staring-at-me” effect. If so… give me an anxiety stomach ache every day.

Dean sat straight across from me at the map table. Even though he wasn’t in pouncing position anymore, he was still on guard; which, I mean, valid. All that shit he’s gone through definitely made him a tough cookie. 

Castiel was standing right behind Dean’s chair like a guardian angel. I mean, literally right behind. He was basically breathing down the hunter's neck. Maybe he liked the smell.

And Sam.

Oh. Sammy. Boy!

He had his ass sat directly on the table and was staring at me in wonder. Sam’s hair was hanging in his face at an angle that was just… perfect. It was also the perfect length, not short enough to make him look like he was 15 and not long enough where he looked crusty. Did I mention that he looked fucking perfect? Honestly, if I didn’t know any better I would’ve thought Sam was the angel.

No offense, Cas.

All three attractive men were gathered around the meeting table to discuss me. Me! I was kinda feeling myself and basking in the attention that I was getting from multiple hot men before I realized something a bit alarming.

Dean, Castiel, and Sam… were deciding what to do with me. I wouldn’t put it past Dean if he decided to kill me or abandon me in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. He doesn’t seem like the type to have a father instinct for just some random teen.

…or maybe whoever’s body I’m occupying is important to him.

“Y’all gonna talk or just stare?” I asked. Yes, during my whole internal monologue full of ogling men and withering away from anxiety, not a single person talked. They gave each other looks, but they didn’t utter a word. 

Someone finally decided to speak up after realizing how weird they were being.

“So…” Sam started. He had his hand thoughtfully under his chin. I thought I might mention it because it almost took me out, “You just appeared out of nowhere?”

“I mean, I guess so. I’m just as confused as you guys are,” I spin in my chair, “Honestly, I thought I was just having one of my regularly scheduled psychedelic dreams but then, I woke up with Dean in my face.”

“A dream?” Castiel asked.

“Yeah, dude, a dream. I was basically floating in this void and then I started hearing someone telling me to wake up and then… Dean’s face.” I took another twirl in my chair. 

The guys looked like they were trying to solve a puzzle. They had their thinking caps on full blast, you should have seen their faces. 

“Did you try the usual holy water, sliver, cross stuff?” Sam turned to Dean in question.

“Yeah,” Dean replied.

I get trying to make sure I’m not a bad type of baddie, but he could have used his non-dominant hand so it wouldn’t be as hard cause damn. That shit really hurt.

“They didn’t try to attack you?” Sam continued.

“No.”

“Then, I think we should be good for now. We can let them stay here since they seem discombobulated,” Bless you, Sam. You’re the greatest of all these fuckers.

“But if they try anything, they're out,” Cas nodded along with Dean’s words. The angel barely even looked like he was listening to what Dean was actually saying, “And if we figure out you were lying about who you are, I will find a way to send you to hell. Trust me.” 

Go shit on a brick, Dean. And you too Cas, agreeing with Dean like a lost puppy. 

“Okay…” I muttered. I didn’t really like the idea of dying, especially if it was in someone else’s body, but what could I have done? Said no? Been kicked to the curb? I’m not really worth anything to them so-

…wait.

“You never told me, whose body is this?” 

All of a sudden, it got a little awkward. Sam’s cheeks were pink and Dean was avoiding my eyes. Even Cas looked a little weird.

“Well-” Dean started.

“We-” 

“Sam found the kid on a hunt and couldn’t help but save them. They almost died, but Sammy got Cas to heal them,” Dean blurted. Sam’s face turned a dark red now that the truth was out to the masses.

“W-well you cared about them enough to train them!” Sam retorted. Now it was Dean’s turn for a red face. 

“You brought them stacks of books!”

“You made them your big bacon breakfast…three times! I can barely get you to cook for me!”

“You eat salad. I’m not making a fucking salad for a meal!” 

“It’s good for your body! Your body will rot away from all the red meat you eat!”

“At least I’m not eating rabbits' food!”

“You know,” Cas finally piped up, “The kid was bound to die.”

Silence. Damn, dude. That was a bit harsh, wasn’t it? From what I heard just now, the Winchester brothers really liked this kid. It kind of makes me feel bad for pushing them from their own body, but… what was Cas saying?

“They were meant to die the night of the hunt. Right on the floor of their living room where you found them. It was their fate. It was a miracle I was able to heal them and it was almost impossible for them to survive a month like they did,” Sam and Dean were getting pissed. Castiel - bless his heart - didn’t seem to notice, “They were never supposed to have formed relations with you two because you weren’t supposed to meet them while they were still alive.”

Poor Cas and his sucky communication skills. Now due to his harsh words, the angel’s collar was being winkled by Dean’s man hands. Castiel didn’t look alarmed at all. I wasn’t sure if it was because Dean was a mere human or because the majority of the Supernatural fandom was right about these two.

“Shut up,” Dean seethed. Sam was hovering behind Dean either waiting his turn to get a lick in or making sure Dean didn’t take it too far. I was now feeling really bad because this was all making a bit of sense. I finally understood why Castiel didn’t seem fazed by my sudden appearance, why he’s been saying all this shit about how this person should be dead already.

Speaking of Castiel, he was just letting Dean choke him up against the table. I knew he didn’t really need my help in the situation, but I was starting to feel a little awkward just sitting there. It’s way different seeing these men fight when they’re on screen and I’m in a whole other world looking like a mole rat on my couch. 

With courage that I didn’t know I had, I muttered, “Guys… I need to take a shit. Real bad.”

Three pairs of eyes turned to look at me in… surprise? Disgust? Both? It didn’t really matter what they thought of my statement, all that mattered was Castiel’s insensitive words were forgotten. For now.

Fingers combing through his hair, Sam sighed, “Come on then,” he said, walking off. He expected me to follow him and I did. To the best of my ability. He’s got long fucking legs, so he’s got even longer fucking strides. I had to practically run and I’m of average height!

Sam finally stopped at the door to the bathroom. I didn’t actually have to shit, but I figured I could use this opportunity of aloneness to recoup, realign, and do all things zen. 

Closing the door to the bathroom, I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I was holding. Today was one of the weirdest days of my life. I wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad weird yet, but it was weird. I never thought I would travel to a different universe. I never thought I would ever meet the Winchesters. I never thought I would get to walk with my own two feet - mostly - through the bunker that I’ve adored for years. 

What the hell brought me here? I wasn’t really complaining, but I still have to wonder. Was this planned? Was this person’s body kept alive for me to go in it? Do I have to save this world somehow? Am I connected to something here? Was this fate like Castiel mentioned?

I sat on the toilet seat feeling pretty lost. I wasn’t sure why it was so bright in the fucking bathroom, but it was bothering me so I slammed my face onto my lap. It was dark and warm and what I really needed at the moment. 

I know, a really sharp change in my emotions, but that’s just how it be sometimes. Perhaps being alone right now wasn’t the best decision. Usually, being alone worked, but now it felt like there were 20-pound weights on my shoulders, and it was getting kind of hard to breathe. It was also really hot, so I started squirming on the toilet seat like that was gonna cool me off.  I don’t know what I thinking because that’s not how heat works.

Then, I thought I could sit on the floor and continue my deep ponder about how the fuck I got into this situation, but I finally realized I was having a panic attack and didn’t really want to move. I found that if I moved, I would black out or it would be 10 times worse, but who knows, maybe this body works differently.

So, I moved to the floor. The floor was nice and cool, but then I started thinking about spiders because I was on the floor in an underground bathroom and spiders here really made sense. I wanted to get back on the toilet, but my body didn’t wanna listen. So now, I was a lump of a human on the bathroom floor that was probably shivering, but I couldn’t really feel my body anymore.

I wonder why when my body’s panicking my thoughts are calmer than when my body’s not panicking. It doesn’t really make sense. Like, none of my thoughts were screaming at me or telling me to do stupid shit. They were just calmly saying stuff like ‘you should get up’ or ‘there might be spiders here’ or ‘your probably gonna die, but take your time’. 

Yeah, the calm thoughts were definitely worst.

Now I recognized the feeling of tears falling down my face and I felt pretty pathetic. I mean, what the fuck was I crying for? Nothing was wrong. They hadn’t killed me yet. I’d always wanted to travel to another world, but I guess my body couldn’t take it. Wait! This wasn’t even my fucking body!

“So goddamn pathetic,” I wheezed. My right cheek was pressed against the floor and when I talked I could feel the tears smearing all over the place and it gave me the ick, but I couldn’t stop myself from crying. 

I love to mention the fact that I have a superiority complex, but I never talk about the opposite of that. My dandy ‘you’re a fucking loser and will never do anything in your life’ complex. It always sneaks up on me at the worst times, like when I’m supposed to be enjoying myself in another universe for crying out loud, and makes me feel more worthless than - fucking - everything. It makes me wanna crawl into a hole and never come back out.

Feeling worthless and having a panic attack simultaneously isn’t the best. It means not only can you not breathe, but you also don’t feel like trying. So, I laid on the floor of the bathroom and didn’t do any of the breathing exercises that my therapist taught me. I just waited to black out.

“Hey, kid, you doing okay in there?” Sam’s voice sounded so far away. I could barely hear it. My lungs were starting to hurt from lack of air, so I curled my aching body into a pathetic little ball.

Pathetic.

“Did you hear me?” Sam sounded. I didn’t move a muscle. I wasn’t surprised when I heard his footsteps getting farther from the door. Of course, he would abandon me. Even I would abandon myself. I was so damn pathetic that I didn’t deserve to be cared for.

Bang!

“Kid! What the hell?” Sam’s voice was now closer. Was it odd that I could smell him? Was I really that desperate for someone that I was imagining things?

So fucking pathetic.

Strong arms lifted me off the floor. I was now pushed against a firm chest and not cold tiles. I don’t think I was imagining this, but I wasn’t gonna get my hopes up. I couldn’t see much because of the tears, so I just snuggled deeper into Sam’s flannel.

More footsteps approached. More voices.

“What the hell happened?”

“They were in the bathroom and I heard sobbing, but they wouldn’t answer the door.”

“Are they hurt?” 

“No, I think they’re having a panic attack.”

“A what?”

“A panic attack, Dean. I’m just gonna get them to lay down somewhere other than the floor.”

“The floor? Did they pass out?”

Sam brushed my hair back to see my face, “Maybe. They’re awake now.”

When we got to the couch, Sam put me down and crouched in front of me. He was looking into my eyes while I was trying to look at his. 

“Breathe with me,” Sam whispered gently. 

I tried to do what he said, but my lungs were burning. Every breath I tried to take would come out shaky or devolve into a sob. Sam slowly took my hands, giving me a chance to pull away, and continued breathing with me. It took a while, but soon I was breathing steadily and my crying had stopped.

“You okay?” Sam asked.

I nodded.

“You want some water?” 

I nodded again.

“Dean?” Sam turned to his brother that was standing behind him, “Mind getting them some water?”

Before Dean could move Castiel appeared with a glass of water in hand. I hadn’t even noticed he had left. The angel handed me the glass and while I gulped it down, he stayed hovered over me. He looked really worried, but I wasn’t sure why.

“Does this happen a lot?” Sam questioned. His hand was still holding one of mine. It was comforting.

“Yeah,” I croaked, “No big deal.”

“Is there something wrong with them?” The shorter brother asked.

“Nah, I’m just kinda sensitive,” I huffed, “Kind of hoped I wouldn’t have to deal with that in this body.”

“Sorry you have to,” said Sam, “I know how it feels.”

Well, well, well. One of my personal headcannons was true. 

I gave Sam a smile and finally let go of his hand. I didn’t really wanna talk about this anymore.

“So, you guys got anything to eat?”

I used my own experience with panic attacks to write the scene in this chapter, so if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

AN: loved this chapter sm. I really like the tone of this fanfiction and I'm gonna try to keep it like this so when it gets dark... well- it doesn't get too depressing.

Hope you enjoyed!

[madcatdaderpydrawer-blog]

So at what point exactly does Sun realize just how messed up Moon still is from everything that went down while infected? I know it's after he himself has mentally healed, but what exactly was the breaking point? The birthday party? Moon getting shot? Or was it more of a slow realization deal where he just keeps finding out new depths to Moon's attempt at self-punishment? ...And how aware is the DJ about how Moon has been treating himself in the meantime?

The specific day it really hit him was just a few days after the party, though it was definitely more of a gradual thing. He’d been so preoccupied with getting his anxiety under control and his own awful mental health and trauma related to physical injury that while he noticed his brother was acting weird he generally tried to ignore it. He didn’t feel ready to address anything moon related for a long time, as even looking at him made his anxiety spike.

A couple days after the birthday party, which was like around two and half or three months after the infection was over, he was talking to moon while they worked and brought up the birthday. Moon completely broke down and started sobbing, which caught Sun off guard. Given the fact that moon had literally spent his entire birthday ignored, such a pointed action that he was almost certain that it was a purposeful dig against him, sun bringing the party back up just made him feel like he was rubbing salt in the wound- no matter how justified he felt it was given the trouble he’d caused. In between his sobs he told sun that he understand that he hates him and he doesn’t have to rub it in. He apologized again for how badly he hurt sun in the past months and excused himself to the naptime room to compose himself.

It was at this time that Sun finally realized what had happened. He was horrified by his actions. How could he forget to celebrate with his own twin brother?? He didn’t even acknowledge it was his birthday! No one did! No wonder he was so quiet the past days, he spent his whole birthday basically being shunned! He also began to think back at moons other behavior as well and realized that moon was coping far worse then he had noticed and was spiraling hard.

DJ was very worried about moon, as from what the minis had been telling him he didn’t seem like he was handling things well. It was clear he was suppressing a lot of emotions, and he knew that it wasn’t going to end well if he kept it up. That it was only a matter of time before it blew up in his face. He couldn’t be much of a help though. He can’t leave the arcade, and after being uninfected moon stopped visiting the DJ. When infected he would go to the arcade when he was stressed or wanted to do something to appease his boredom, and unfortunately his version of stress relief was wiring himself up to the entrance of the various tunnels and jumping off to see how close to the ground he could fall before catching himself with the wire. The goal being to catch himself as last minute as he possibly could without hitting the ground. Reasoning with him was pointless and DJ worried about prohibiting him from doing such activities in the arcade. While infected moon couldn’t do anything to him physically cause of the size difference, and he wouldn’t dare damage the minis because he respects him, DJ was worried that if he kicked him out of the arcade he’d find other dangerous hobbies to fulfill his craving for pain. He’d rather he do something dangerous where he could be supervised and caught by the DJ if needed.

Despite never directly hurting DJ, moon still avoided him as he felt ashamed of his actions and how much he stressed DJ out with his dangerous behavior. He didn’t feel he deserved to burden the spider anymore then he already had, and there wasn’t much DJ could do about it being stuck in the arcade and unable to check on him himself.