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drabbles-mc · 4 years ago

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Catching Feelings

Bishop Losa x Reader

Request from my fave @masterlistforimagines: the classic friends with benefits, but someone caught feelings trope for Bish

Warnings: light angst, language

Word Count: 3.4k

A/N: I didn’t turn this into a smutty request solely because I got super wrapped up in Bish’s feelings haha. Hope y’all enjoy! xo

Bish Taglist: @sincerelyasomebody @sadeyesgf @thesandbeneathmytoes @tomhardydallasstarsgirl @multiyfandomgirl40 @sillygoose6969 @queenbeered @louisianalady @gemini0410 @paintballkid711 @chibsytelford @yourwonkywriter (If you want to be tagged in any of my writing please let me know!)

You were shimmying back into your jeans, trying to pretend that you didn’t feel Bishop’s eyes on you. It was late, and you had an early morning coming up. The thought of prolonging your stay a little bit was tempting, but you knew that you’d pay for it once your alarm went off in the morning. Bishop was lying on the bed, chin resting in the palm of his hand. You did your best not to look at him for too long because you knew that if you did, it would be too easy to talk you into staying.

“You could just stay here, you know,” he offered up with a smile.

You chuckled and shook your head. It wouldn’t have been the first time you stayed over, and if you didn’t have plans the next day you might’ve. “Not tonight, Bish.”

“Suit yourself,” there was a smug grin on his face as he watched you pull a shirt on over your head.

“Can’t make it too easy on you, can I? Takes all the fun out of it,” you winked, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” You blew him a kiss before heading out of the bedroom and leaving the house.

He listened intently for the sound of your car starting. When the sound of the engine faded away, he let out a sigh. He sat upright, running his hands down his face. For someone who had thought that the idea of friends with benefits was childish and that he was too old for it, he wasn’t able to say no to you when you had pitched the idea. You both had busy lives that didn’t make it easy to have romantic relationships, and there was no denying the comfort and attraction that was there between the two of you, so it just seemed to make sense.

You weren’t sober when you finally blurted out the idea to him. The two of you were staying late at the clubhouse together one night after a rough couple of days, burning through beer bottles faster than you should’ve been. He’d been flirting with you all night, but that wasn’t something out of the ordinary, and you certainly weren’t the only woman he was flirtatious with. But you noticed that when women tried to push it any farther, he would send them off. He’d do it nicely, but he would make sure they didn’t overstay their welcome.

“How do you not have someone down on lock yet, Bish?” you laughed as you sipped on your beer.

He smiled, shaking his head at you from across the table, “I guess you could say that I am not the easiest man to be with, Y/N.”

“Alright fair. But you never even give these girls a chance to, you know,” you wiggled your eyebrows suggestively, “relieve some of your tension.”

He laughed, “I’m in no position to be having a string of one-night stands. I leave that to the young bucks patching in. They’re young and stupid enough to think it’s a good idea.”

“Hm,” you thought about your response for a moment, “What about a fuck-buddy?”

He raised an eyebrow, “A what?”

You laughed, playfully nudging his shoulder, “You know, a friend with benefits. No strings attached kind of deal, just sex. You get the consistency of one person so you don’t need to worry about getting tested for something every couple of weeks,” you laughed, “Plus, it’ll be with someone that you can actually stand to hang out with once you’re done fucking. Win-win for everybody.”

His eyes searched yours, trying to figure out what your end-goal was with this conversation, “I’m not in my twenties anymore, Y/N. I think I’ve aged out of the friends with benefits category.”

You smirked, slowly running your foot up his leg underneath the table, “I beg to differ.”

And the rest was history. It’d been a few months since that first night and things had been going smoothly. The two of you kept your business private since he was the president of the MC, but you knew that the guys had their assumptions. Neither you nor Bishop ever commented one way or another when they would try to bring it up. You liked the sense of mystery, and the fact that it felt a little bit like a game at times. You’d push boundaries with him every now and then, just to see how worked up you’d be able to get him at the clubhouse without anyone noticing. And for a man who said that he was too old to be friends with benefits, he sure seemed to be benefiting a lot.

His mind raced with the events of the past few months. At first, he was certain that surely it couldn’t be that simple, that the two of you could remain friends and just have sex with each other when it was convenient. But that was exactly what had been happening, and you hadn’t changed the way you treated him at all. He was still your friend, and someone that you valued and respected, but never once throughout the course of the weeks of late-night and post-run rendezvous had you ever tried to pressure him into something more. He was impressed that you were able to compartmentalize so well.

He just wished that he was able to do the same thing.

As the days continued to tick by, he realized that maybe he wasn’t cut out to do the whole friends with benefits thing, but not because it was only something that young people did. He began to think that maybe he couldn’t handle it because the more time that he spent with you, the more times that he got to hold you and kiss you and make you tremble underneath his touch, the more he realized that he didn’t want to just be your friend. He didn’t want to admit it, but he knew that he was starting to have feelings for you. There were times in the morning when he’d see you getting dressed and all he could think about was how nice it would be if he got to be with you every morning while you got ready for work, and you’d be there for him every night when he came home after dealing with the club and all the chaos it brought him. His mind would wander off with thoughts of what it would be like to really be with you, to finally settle down, and it was getting harder and harder to pull himself out of those thoughts.

He stared at his phone screen, waiting for your text letting him know that you had gotten home safe. You didn’t live terribly far, but he still wanted to know that you made it okay. He smiled when your name lit up his phone screen, “I’m home. You can go to sleep now”. He smiled as he typed out his reply, “Thank you. Got plans tomorrow night?”

A few minutes passed before your reply came, “Why? Miss me already?”

He paused for a moment, trying to really think out his reply. He was second-guessing everything he said, not wanting to lose you, “Something like that, yea”

“I’ll see if I can clear my schedule for you”

He smiled, deciding to leave it at that. He set his phone off to the side and rolled so that he was staring up at the ceiling. He wondered if you were just really good at pretending that you weren’t starting to develop feelings for him too. When the two of you agreed to this whole arrangement, he worried at first that you had suggested it because you already were falling for him. Now he was thinking that maybe he let his ego get to him a little bit by thinking that and it was coming back to bite him. He sighed, shaking his head at himself as he tried to force himself to go to sleep without dwelling on the fact that his bed felt empty without you in it.

You stopped by the clubhouse after work the next day to see him for a few minutes. He was seated outside on the deck and you plopped down across from him with a smile, “Presidente.”

He smiled at you, “Y/N, didn’t think I’d see you here.”

You laughed, “I told you I’d see if I could clear my schedule for you.”

“Weren’t sure if you were going to be able to follow through,” he watched as you reached across the table and took his beer, taking a sip from the bottle with a smirk on your face.

“I’ll always find a way to make time for you, Obispo,” you gave him his beer back.

He looked at you and he felt his heart pound harder inside his chest. The two of you had agreed that if one of you became uncomfortable with anything about your situation, you’d both back off with no questions asked. He wondered if he should cash in on that clause, but he didn’t want to give up the closeness he got to have with you.

“I actually meant to reach out to you earlier,” he hated the words even as he was saying them, “Some shit came up with the club. Got some stuff we need to handle tonight.”

“Oh,” you’d been looking forward to seeing him again, but you knew that this exact situation was why the two of you had gotten into things in the first place, “okay. Raincheck?”

He nodded, “Yea. Sorry to bail on you.”

You chuckled and shook your head, “No need to apologize,” you stood up from the table and patted his back as you walked behind him, “I’m not your girlfriend, Bish. You don’t have to explain anything to me. Not like you owe me anything,” you leaned down and kissed his temple, “You and the boys be safe out there. Text me when you get home so I know you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere, alright?”

A small smile crossed his face for a moment, “Alright.”

He watched as you sauntered off and hopped in your car, driving off without giving it another thought. He hated lying to you, but he thought that maybe if he gave him a few days to cool off and get his mind in order, the feelings would go away too. Maybe he was just thinking too far into it. He hoped he wouldn’t be forced to give you up.

A few days passed and you hadn’t heard much from him. You were a little hurt at first, but then you remembered who you were dealing with. He had bigger problems on his plate than budgeting in time to sneak off and hook up with you. It was a little odd only because up until then you two had managed to make things work well and see each other frequently. But it was practically radio silence on his end. You’d text him a couple times a day to make sure he was alright, and his responses were short. You tried to think if you had something to him that would upset him, but nothing was coming to mind.

You parked your car and made your way over to the office, hoping that Chucky would be there and know where the guys were. Bishop had blamed his curtness and inability to see you on club shit, and you were starting to question just how honest he was being with you about it all.

Chucky’s face lit up when you walked into the office, “Y/N, what a pleasure it is to see you.”

You smiled, “Pleasure’s all mine, Chucky,” you drummed your fingers on the counter, “Bishop around?”

“El Presidente?” he nodded, “I believe they had Templo. Might be done by now, though.”

“Thank you. Stay handsome,” you shot him a wink as you walked out of the office and made your way to the clubhouse.

You walked in, scanning over the room to see where everyone was at. Sure enough, you saw Bishop sat at the table with Hank and Taza. The three of them seemed awfully relaxed for a group of men who had apparently been incredibly wrapped up in stressful club shit for the past week. You walked over to the table with a smile, not wanting to make things weird.

“Hey boys,” you rested one hand on Bishop’s shoulder.

“Y/N,” Taza offered you a warm smile, “good to see you. We’ve missed you lately.”

You chuckled, wishing you could see what Bishop’s face looked like, “Yea, sorry, just been a little crazy on my end lately,” you tapped your fingers onto Bishop’s shoulder, “Can I borrow you for a second, Pres? Something I need to talk to you about.”

He cleared his throat, and you could feel his body tense underneath your hand, “Uh, yea, of course,” he stood up and nodded towards Templo, “This way.”

You flashed the other two men a smile and a wave before walking towards the back room, Bishop right on your heels. He slid the door shut behind him and did his best to avoid making direct eye contact with you as the both of you stood there.

“So,” you leaned back against the table, “how are things?”

“Things are…fine,” his eyes were glued to the ground.

“Oh? Are they? I wouldn’t know. I’ve hardly heard from you in a week.”

“You said it yourself—I don’t owe you anything.”

You scoffed and shook your head, “What the fuck is your problem?”

“What? I thought this was supposed to be no strings attached.”

“Yea, but you’re still my friend. Even before we started hooking up I at least felt like I could have a conversation with you that didn’t feel like I was pulling your fucking teeth,” you waited for him to finally look you in the eyes, “Did I do something? If you don’t wanna hook up with me anymore just say it. Don’t try to ice me out—I deserve better than that. I told you from the jump that we could go back to being friends with no questions asked. I’m not gonna hold it against you if you’re over this whole thing.”

He saw the look on your face and he knew that you meant every word that you said, and it hurt. He didn’t want to admit it, but he didn’t want you to be able to give him up that easily.

After a long minute of silence you spoke up again, “Be real with me, Obispo. Do you still want this?”

He shook his head, “No.”

It stung, but you weren’t going to go back on your promise—you weren’t going to hold it against him, “Alright. That’s all you had to say. We good? I don’t want shit to be weird from here on out,” there was another long stretch of silence and you could feel the frustration bubbling up inside you. you had assumed that Bishop would be able to be a little more mature about the whole thing, especially since he was the one who was breaking it off, but apparently you were wrong. Men really didn’t mature more as they got older. You shook your head, “Fuck, Bish. I really thought that we were going to be able to be adults about this. Sorry I bothered.”

You turned on your heel and made your way towards the door. Before you could grab onto it and slide it open, he finally forced himself to speak up, “Hey, wait.”

You turned with a sigh, “What?”

“I can’t do this.”

“Yea, you made that pretty fucking clear already.”

“No,” he closed the space between you and you could feel the heat radiating off of him, “I mean, I can’t do this with no strings attached. I thought that I could. Honestly, I thought that you were going to be the one that got wrapped up in your feelings.”

You smirked, “Cocky, but continue.”

It got him to smile a little bit, “But I could see it in your eyes that you were true to your word. You were completely detached from everything between us. And I was too, at first. But, fuck, Y/N, somewhere along the way I stopped caring about just the sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. But the way I felt when I would see that you were calling me, or when I would hear you walk through my front door when you knew I’d gotten home from a run? I knew that had nothing to do with friendship, or sex. And the way I hated every time you’d get dressed and leave and I knew that you were going back to your own empty bed while I was lying in mine drove me insane. I hate it,” he took a deep breath, “I wasn’t ready to give you up. If the only way for me to have you was like this, then I was willing to do that. But it kills me to know that I want more, and you are content with what we have.”

He threw a lot at you all at once, and your brain was still trying to process it all. The idea of being in a relationship with Bishop had crossed your mind on numerous occasions. You never let it linger though, not when you knew what kind of life he led and the kind of man he was. If you thought that he would’ve been game for a relationship right out the gate you would’ve said something. This was a development that you hadn’t seen coming. The only reason you didn’t get twisted up about your arrangement was because in your mind, there was no alternative. You were either friends who were having sex, or you were just friends. There was never anything on the other side of the spectrum, or at least that’s what you had thought.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” you finally asked.

“I am now.”

“Obispo, listen, I don’t think there’s anyone in the world that I respect more than you. You’re my best friend, and these past few months have been insanely fun. I’ve loved being able to spend so much time with you. I like who I am when I’m with you. If you wanted something more you should’ve just said something—we’re both adults. I’d like to think that we could handle that conversation.”

“I didn’t want you to shut me out if you didn’t feel the same way.”

“You really think I’d do that?”

He paused, shaking his head, “No.”

You cupped his face in your hands, “So, what exactly do you want from me, Obispo?”

He rested his hands on top of yours, “I want you to give me a chance to really be your man. All the time, not just on late nights and weekends,” he scooped you up so that your legs were wrapped around his waist as he held you up, “Could you do that for me?”

You laughed, nodding as your hands rested on the back of his neck, “I think I could do that.”

He walked over and set you down on the edge of the table. You unhooked your legs from around him so that he was now standing between them. He leaned in and brought your lips to his. The kiss was soft but still needy, and in that moment you wondered how you hadn’t seen this coming all along.

He rested his forehead against yours, “I don’t think I’d ever be able to give you up.”

You smiled, reveling in the feeling of his hands on your waist, “I don’t think I’d ever ask you to.”

You felt him laugh quietly as he nuzzled his face into the side of your neck. You smiled, biting back a giggle as his beard tickled your neck. He kissed your throat gently as he leaned into you. You wrapped your arms around him and pulled him in close to you, one hand resting gently on the back of his head. A smile crept across your face as you felt him let out a long, relieved sigh as he ran his hands up and down your back.

“Can we go back to your place?” you said after a few minutes of silence between you.

He pulled back and looked at you with a smile, “I’d like that.”

You leaned in and gave him a quick kiss on the lips, “I’ll even spend the night this time.”

He chuckled, “Oh yea?”

You hopped down off the table and tugged him towards the door, “Yes. You’re in for a long night, Obispo.”

He shook his head with a smile, “I don’t doubt it.”

#mayans mc #mayansmc #mayans fx #mayans mc imagine #obispo losa #bishop losa #bishop losa x reader #bishop losa x you #bishop losa angst #obispo losa x reader #obispo losa imagine #my writing #drabblesmc #fanfiction

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redheadedrenagade · 4 years ago

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Wicked Game

Chapter 1: When the Lights Went Dim

credit to gamegifsdaily for the beautiful gif.

Here’s the first chapter to Wicked Game, a Joel Miller x Female OC fanfiction. I’ll be honest, I have NO CLUE where this fic is going to go. I don’t anticipate it being super long, and I still haven’t decided if I’m going to go super in depth into the OC’s past. I really just wanted the chance to write something sweet and smutty for our Joel. And Ellie. I love them both so much don’t loOK AT ME

This takes place 2 years after the pair move into Jackson. OC came along halfway through their first year, so the 3 have had 1.5 years of time spent together so far. In this, Ellie has forgiven Joel for his mistakes and continues to have a healthy relationship with him, though it does still very much bother her now and then.

As far as WARNINGS go, this is an 18+ fic, and I fully intend on keeping it that way. Possible triggers may include sexually abusive language, especially in this first chapter, sexual language and situations (aka SMUT Y’ALL), cursing, gore, death, apocalypse horrors and I’m sure a number of other adult themes. So please, please don’t read if you’re underage. I say that with care, not contempt.

That being said, I hope you enjoy what I’ve come up with so far. :) If interested, this is the song that inspired the title of this chapter. I felt like it fit really well.

She had no idea how she’d ended up in this insane situation. Four men with their guns drawn on her, her own gun pointed right at the leader’s forehead as Ellie did as she was asked and stayed behind her. Ellie had no gun on her, just her trusty knife. But they hadn’t thought much of it since Charlotte had her gun, they were hardly out of Jackson to feel true concern. They got complacent. And now, they were in deep shit.

She must actually be afraid if she’s listening. She never listens. God dammit, I have to get her out of this…

“How…how about we make a deal? Hmm? I go with you. Willingly. But you let the girl go,” she says, working hard as hell to keep her voice from quivering as all the possibilities of torture flash across her mind.

“Charlotte…no. NO! You can’t – “

“Quiet, Ellie! I mean it!” she cuts the girl behind her off, her heart breaking at how angry she has to make herself sound so Ellie will hopefully head her suggestion. Charlotte feels Ellie relent as she presses her small body against Charlotte’s back, her forehead coming to rest between her shoulder blades. Charlotte understands the sweet gesture and what it means. She can feel the girl’s anger and love radiating off her. She’s warm, and Charlotte lets herself compartmentalize this nice feeling for another time, when she’ll have to escape inside her own mind just to survive.

I know, honey. I’m sorry. But there’s no other way.

The group of men in front of them snicker and look at each other in a way that makes her stomach twist into a knot.

“Now why in the hell would we do that? You’re both pretty, young things. Especially that one…could be a mighty nice opportunity, trainin’ her to be our little slave,” the leader replies, and she feels her face contort with rage at the sick filth coming out of his mouth.

“We can either all die, right here, right now, or you accept my offer. If not, I’ll put a bullet in your fucking skull, and when one of you shoot me, Ellie will run. Now both of your little fuck-toys are gone. Kinda’ defeats the purpose, don’t you think?”, she hisses at them, her eyes drifting onto each one of them, sizing them up.

Ellie can outrun them. She can do it. I know she can.

Just as she’s about to risk it all and pull the trigger, the man lowers his gun and smirks at her.

“Fine. You’ll just have to care of all of us, then. You think you’re strong, sweetie? Oh, we are gonna’ ruin you,” he says, his dark eyes glittering terribly. Charlotte lets out a long breath she didn’t realize she was holding and gives him one sharp nod, her arm still holding the gun at him.

“Okay. Good. She runs away first, though. Only then do I drop this gun. Then I’m all yours, boys,” she replies, noticing how monotone her voice has become, completely devoid of emotion.

Maybe I’m numb. That’s probably a good thing.

She hears Ellie curse in rage behind her, but before the girl can protest, Charlotte turns her head to the side and lets her eyes find Ellie’s. They are angry, terrified pools of forest green, and her heart clenches hard at how torn she looks.

“It’s okay, Ellie. Go on. It’s okay,” Charlotte whispers to her, giving the girl a smile only reserved for her.

She looks as if she’s about to say something, her mouth parting slightly, but she’s quickly cut off.

“Ellie. We only got one shot at this. Don’t make it all for nothing. Go. Go, Ellie. Now!” she manages to ground out, sparks of agony twisting its way through her veins. Not because she’s scared, but because she knows this is goodbye. Her mind briefly wanders to Joel, picturing his face as he smirks at her and Ellie for doing something weird or obnoxious (which was most of the time). Picturing his dark eyes looking into hers on occasion, which never failed to make her stomach flip flop like a little kid with a crush.

“We’ll come back for you,” Ellie whispers fiercely into her ear, making sure to step to the side and glare acidly at the men, and without another word, the girl turns and starts sprinting away, her form getting smaller and smaller as she distances herself. Not until she’s over the large hill they’d come down does Charlotte sigh in relief, turning her head back to the men.

“Give it five minutes. I’m not stupid, I don’t want you just hunting her down after I give you my gun,” she says matter-of-factly, and the man raises his hands in a passive gesture as he backs up a step and then crosses his arms in wait.

Charlotte hardly registers the conversation a couple of them are having, but she hears enough that she has to physically hold back a shudder of disgust. The time comes and goes in what feels like both seconds and eons, and finally, she slowly lowers her arm and clicks the safety back on, letting the gun fall from her hand into the grass with a soft ‘thump’.

This is actually happening. Shit. But she got away. That’s all that matters. She got away.

“Good girl,” he mocks her in false praise before holding out his hand for hers to take.

She swallows the bile rising in her throat and lets herself remember one last day in the sun with Ellie and Joel. A perfect day, when they were happy, when she’d held Ellie down and tickled her into a laughing fit that made even the unbreakable Joel chuckle and shake his head in amusement. The dinners with Maria and Tommy, in their house which always felt like a haven. The townspeople she’d grown to love like family.

I’ll miss you all so fucking much.

Then, the moment was gone, and all that remained was the hand that would lead her to the end of what her spirit could endure. She takes it and says goodbye to the way things were only hours ago.

══════════════════

Charlotte is jerked awake by the sound of someone’s gruff voice near her, and suddenly, she’s slapped hard across the face. She gasps, blinking furiously while trying to see through the blur of her vision who had hit her. She tries to bring her arms up to protect her face, but she realizes slowly that her wrists and ankles are tied to the chair she’s in. Things come into focus then, the panic of being restrained sharpening her attentions, and she sees the leader of the gang bending down to leer at her, his hands resting on his thighs.

“’Bout fuckin’ time. Been waiting for hours for you to grace us with your presence,” he drawls nastily, and she looks around the small, dingy room and notices it’s just the two of them. The walls and floors are made of concrete, and the only light available are the small rays of sunlight pushing their way through a tiny window high on the wall.

“Did…why did you knock me out, you bastard? I thought…you said – “ He laughs derisively and slaps his thigh in glee, stepping back to walk over to a decrepit old desk that’s covered in various instruments. Deadly looking instruments.

“You really think I give a shit about fuckin’ you, girl? Nah, I’ve got bigger fish to fry,” he replies, picking up a knife that glints ominously in the small bit of sunlight. “We know you two must’ve come from Jackson. We’ve been working for weeks trying to find a way in without being shot, and lo and behold, we come across you two!”

She snorts, despite the consistent throbbing in her head from being cold cocked with his gun and relaxes her head back against the chair casually.

“And you think I can help you…what, sneak in? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, buddy, but it’s impossible. Truly, there’s no fuckin’ way,” she replies with ease, and for the first time since they’d met, she’s being honest with him. It just wasn’t possible.

“I was thinking of something a bit more…motivating. To the people guarding it. Now, I can’t imagine why anyone would give a rats ass whether you live or die, but I’m banking of the fact that they probably don’t wanna’ see you tortured slowly until you die,” he says smoothly as he saunters towards her, slowly making a circle around her.

She feels a jolt of fear course through her, not about being tortured, but about what they’ll do if they see her…would they give in?

God, I hope not.

“They won’t give up an entire community of good people for me, if that’s what you’re wondering. None of us would, for any one person,” she replies, her jaw clenching as she feels his presence behind her where he comes to a stop.

“That so? Hmmm. Well, I think it’s worth a shot, don’t you?” he chuckles darkly before one of his hands comes to wrap itself around her throat in warning.

“Whatever you say, boss. It’s your show, not mine,” she hisses through clenched teeth, wanting so badly to recoil from his touch.

Fuck. This could be bad. Really, really bad.

“Good girl. Let’s get started then.”

Without warning, he stabs the knife deep into the meat of her shoulder, and a sound she doesn’t even realize she can make is ripping its way out of her throat. The unbearable pain is like nothing she’d ever felt as he twists the blade inside, and instead of crying, she roars. Even through the haze of agony, she refuses to let tears fall.

“Aw, I know, honey. But if you cooperate, we’ll save the brutal shit for the townspeople. Have to give them a good show, y’know?” he says as he grips her braid and yanks her head back hard enough to where she can look up into his eyes at an upside-down angle.

She spits into his face in rage, surmising that if this is her last day on earth, she wasn’t going to go out without a fight.

He yanks the knife out of her body and her back arches unnaturally in her chair as she screams again, all anger and no surrender. He walks around to the front of her now, his face far less at ease as he wipes her spit off angrily with the back of his hand.

“Little bitch likes it rough, huh? That’s fine with me.” He then swiftly sinks the blade into her thigh, crouching down close to see her expression. She almost goes deaf from the sound of her own scream in the small room, and out of instinct and adrenaline, starts thrashing against her restraints in earnest.

“What’s that? You want more?” he asks, his expression mockingly soft as he places his free hand against her cheek. She turns quickly and bites a couple of his fingers as hard she can, picturing her canines cracking the bones in half. He wrestles his fingers out of her mouth as he yelps in pain and surprise, then looks at her incredulously as her chest rises and falls rapidly. She stares straight into his eyes, her mouth now filling with a copper taste, and she gives him a bloody, feral smile.

“Do you?” she whispers, and her voice is acid. He blinks a few times before his face twists into rage and he starts to fumble with his belt before ripping it off. She doesn’t have time to anticipate what his intentions are before he’s stomping around to the back of her as he quickly wraps the belt around her throat, squeezing harder, harder, until little white spots start to erupt across her vision.

“Fuckin’ cocky bitch, I’m gonna’ make you wish you would’ve turned into one of those fucking monsters when you had the chance,” he rasps against her ear, but she can barely hear him through the sound of the blood rushing behind her ears. Her heart is trying, and failing, to keep her alive, and the panic of truly not being able to breathe hits like a freight train. She’s turning absolutely animalistic under her restraints, knocking the chair side to side in her desperate attempt to breathe, to escape.

Please, please, air! Please, god!

She’s practically deaf now as the room starts to shrink, dimming around her like theatres used to do before a movie started.

This is it. Oh, god, this is it…

Just as she’s slipping over the precipice of unconsciousness, the belt slackens, causing her to breathe in a horribly painful, ragged breath that claws its way down into her lungs. She immediately starts coughing so hard that she’s barely able to suck in the sweet, precious air given to her, and nothing matters more at this moment than filling her lungs with it greedily. She feels an agonizing pain start to ripple through her shoulder, and then an almost unbearable sensation of the knife being pulled out of her leg in a swift, precise motion. She screams again, her cry broken and raspy after her throat was crushed so tightly by the belt.

“…….hear me?”

“…………I’m here….”

A low, gentle voice rumbles into her senses from across the world and she wonders for a moment if she’s already dead.

She cracks open her eyes as she feels light pressure being applied to her wounds and realizes there must be people here. She croaks out a feeble warning.

“Who…don’t touch – “

She hears it again then, that low cadence of baritone hushing her gently, wrapping something around her leg.

Her understanding seeps back into her brain as her eyes finally start to clear, although things are still a bit blurry as the intense pain throbs and flows through her.

Then, all at once, fear grips her heart hard as memories come flashing back into sharp focus behind her eyes.

Ellie. ELLIE.

“Where’s Ellie?! ELLIE!” she screams, her voice cracking in panic again as the figure of…Joel?…comes into focus before her. Suddenly, she’s awake. Truly awake.

“She’s fine, Char. She’s okay, she’s right here with me, see?” Joel says in a shockingly gentle voice she’d never heard him use before. Not with her, at least. Sure enough, Ellie pauses tending to her shoulder and walks around to look at her, taking her hand gently. The expression on her face breaks Charlotte’s heart.

“God, they really fucked her up, Joel,” the young girl says with a wince that held equal parts compassion and fury as she surveys Charlotte properly.

“Barely…barely a scratch,” she mutters, grinning crookedly at them before furrowing her brows in pain again and letting her head fall back against the chair.

I’m so tired. But I’m safe. Because of them…is this really even happening?

Before she can say anything more, Joel is gingerly scooping her off the chair – when did her restraints come off? – and starts to make his way out of the building with Ellie in tow.

“We know, tough guy,” Joel whispers to her, the barest hint of a smile in his tone as he jostles her into a sturdier embrace. She can’t help but let out a small whimper and she hears him curse under his breath at himself for being too rough. Her vision is starting to grow a bit fuzzy around the edges, and a feeling of calm starts to wash over her as he holds her close.

Suck it up, buttercup. He just saved your ass. Don’t make him feel bad.

In and out, her consciousness weaves as she registers a few bodies here and there on their way out, Ellie marching resolutely in front of them. Joel is so warm, and he’s breathing hard from having to support all of her weight, but he doesn’t slow down for a second. The light of the already darkening day starts to seep into black and white as she starts to black out, and her mind can only think of Joel and Ellie.

They’re okay. She’s okay.

“I’m sorry, Joel…my fault…I’m sorry,” she grumbles groggily into his shoulder, guilt snaking its way into her heart. She’d put Ellie at serious risk. Now, she was doing it again, but this time with Joel in tow.

I’m supposed to protect her. Not the other way around.

“S’all right, sweetheart. Just hang in there. We’ll be home soon,” he replies, and she can feel the comforting vibrations from his chest as he speaks. She giggles lightly at the pet name, her mental awareness no longer coinciding with reality anymore.

“Sweetheart…” she whispers in a small voice, burrowing her face into him closely enough that her lips graze the pulse point beneath his strong jaw. He inhales sharply through his nose and squeezes her a little tighter in his arms but doesn’t reply. Ellie jogs further ahead to keep an eye out, gun in hand as Joel does his best to move as quietly as possible.

The ground starts to be swallowed up by the sky, and she wants to stay awake so badly, but she just can’t. She slackens her hold around Joel’s neck and her body slumps in his arms, all of the fight leaving her at once. She hears him pleading, jostling her a bit to get her attention, but she just can’t. She just needs to rest, just for a minute.

“M’sorry…so tired…” she mumbles before the darkness floods her vision and the world is swallowed by silence.

#tlou #the last of us #joel miller #ellie williams #joel x oc #tlou fanfic #tlou fanfiction #tlou fic #naughty dog #ps4 #video games #wicked game fic

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septiembrre · 4 years ago

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Every even number for get to be mine.

OH MY GOD, THIS IS OVERWHELMING!!!! But, I’m going to do it anyway because I LOVE Get to Be Mine. This story is everything to me -- like it is seriously my most favorite daydream -- and I need to get over myself and write the next chapter. I’m just a little intimidated about what I want to get done and stalling because of it.

Which scene was your favorite to write in Get To Be Mine?

I love writing all the Beth/Rio scenes confrontations. Oh god, I just went to go to pull a quote and now here’s this too-long thing:

“Oh my god. Don’t be—” her voice lowers to a whisper, even though there’s no one around to overhear, “—indecent.”

“You started it.”

“I was talking about actual muffins.”

Rio’s still snickering as he asks, “What else you got?”

“Well, again you said had said our first date was at a bar? Where were you going with that?” Well, she knows. Half of their interactions have been at a bar, his bars. The other half on park benches and picnic tables.

“Oh yeah, your old story. One-night stand—excuse me, day stand. I fucked you on top of your blueberry pancakes? I mean that’s not exactly appropriate for our future company, either.”

It’s an admission of his own.

In a kind of distant, disassociating way, she can acknowledge that Rio’s point tally has just superseded hers by a million. There will never be hope of point recovery. She really doesn’t have the emotional energy to finish this conversation. So, it just comes out.

“He told you?”

“Yeah.” Rio bites his lip, nodding. Her eyes can’t help but zero in, even while experiencing unprecedented levels of distress. She tries to summon her strength as Rio says, “Good story, though.”

I’m obsessed with writing this shit. Their scenes are getting WAY out of hand. The above is only a rather tiny fraction of an absurdly long scene. Thanks to everyone who sits through reading this monster.

I also am enjoying branching out a bit and writing the Ruby+Annie+Beth interactions, Beth+Marjorie and Beth+her kids. It will come as a surprise to no one but I love writing Beth in relation to other women.

If you could change anything in Get To Be Mine, what would it be?

Lol, I’d re-write the whole first fucking chapter and give it a much more realistic timeline.

I also started this fic without having plotted much of it. I was sure at the time it would be a three-parter (jajajaja as if!). It wasn’t until @foxmagpie prodded me with many helpful, gracious questions that I finally was pushed to more fully outline GTBM and well, now it’s fully plotted.

I try not to be too hard on myself for it but I worry folks won’t be able to get past the first chapter, and I do wish I would have realized that outlines are my friends and totally accessible to me before I did. But, it’s okay! I’ve learned now at least.

Which scenes did you cut, and which were added in Get To Be Mine?

Lollll, the issue with Get To Be Mine is that I have absolutely no control and really struggle with cutting anything from it -- especially dialogue. Idk, I’m the type of person to have three-hour-long conversations on the phone with my friends and all of this is exactly how I’ve ended up with these hideously long conversations in the fic but, it is what it is. The dialougue makes me so happy.

Hm... I’m trying to think of a juicier detail. I did almost cut this Ruby+Beth+Annie scene I ended up enjoying a ton.

"And that was two years ago,” Beth adds. “Before all the nasty, terrible stuff. We don’t even know if he’s ever, you know…” Her mouth opens making what she’s sure are ridiculous configurations as she flounders, “ —cared.”

Annie’s jaw hangs open for a moment. Then she pulls it together and addresses Ruby first, “Okay, I love my sister, so stop trying to guilt me. Maybe what they need is to finally fuck again and get over whatever this is.” Ruby raises her eyebrows, considering Annie’s point but with a formidable amount of hesitation, as Beth splutters indignantly again.

Annie turns to her sister. “And Beth, I know homeboy has been super shady about his feelings but he has them.” Beth shakes her head, but Annie nods adamantly back at her. “They are in there somewhere because, bizarrely, we are all still alive.”

She pauses to knock on the wooden surface of the worktable, and murmurs a quick, Rest in peace, Lucy. Ruby crosses herself. For a second, Beth’s stomach plummets, and fuzzy words for an old prayer tug at her brain. She curls her fingers around the edge of the table to steady herself, focusing on the sturdy wood top as she processes what Annie said. Somehow despite the grief and all of the terrible things, it feeds the kernel of warmth inside of her.

“Is he the ideal romantic prospect? Nope, definitely not.” Annie’s lips pop and enunciate the ‘puh’. Beth marvels at how her little sister can always find room for irreverence. “And no matter how this fake-dating sitch goes, I have to make it clear that you are not allowed to become his wife-in-crime or whatever. But, maybe you guys can go through the motions—” Annie thrusts a little with her hips, rocking on the stool. “Bone, y’know.”

Which came first, the title or the fic?

The fic!

I had been thinking about a fake-dating Beth/Rio premise for months. Then, a fake dating prompt was listed in the GG Ficathon last May so I claimed it as a way to get myself to finally write this out. I had never written anything longer than 4k or a multi-chapter and at the time I was really scared to claim what I had then imagined would be a three-parter. I had never thought I could ever outline something, much less pull together multiple arcs or incorporate themes.

*laughs nervously* Technically, I still haven’t but I’m on my way. And, GTBM won’t be perfect when it’s all done but it’s so much fun. I love it. It’s my 2020 comfort puzzle.

What are some facts readers may not know about Get To Be Mine?

I don’t know if this will truly surprise anyone but I am really loving exploring:

- Beth intentionally parenting and thinking through how to be closer to her children

- Beth’s friendship with Ruby, and her relationship with Annie

- Beth finding her footing in independence

- Beth building a new friendship with Marjorie, a legitimate cool person who is not part of the PTA crew/Beth’s old bubble.

- Beth being pushed to think about her own grief from her childhood and her compartmentalization of her mother’s death through witnessing the Vandenberg siblings grieve their own mother who passed at a more natural time in life.

- Beth low-key exploring more about her own pleasure aka masturbating in the peace and quiet of her new apartment. Hahahaha. I worry about her and how much stress I give her in my fics, and try to balance it with moments of respite, too.

ANYWAY! Thanks, everyone for coming to my rant about Get To Be Mine. Always down to talk meta about it.

#get to be mine

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cardassiangf · 5 years ago

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okay actually let me just do the top three placements for the ds9 crew, okay? okay here we go! these are just for fun & also my interpretation. also i realize some arent human and therefore would have different placements entirely, but you know what? idc. (and no ezri since i havent seen enough of her to make a good guess sfdgfhjh sorry!)

julian i already said was a cancer sun virgo moon. workaholics who are kinda anxious but also full of love and affection, plus they also love to talk. for rising im kind of caught between aries and sagittarius, because they both in nicely with the top two. i am leaning more towards aries rising though for him. moves very fast to keep interest in things & is career minded. it’s kind of a combination that swings back and forth between this unflappable confidence (usually in the workplace) and a deep emotional vulnerability. also, they’re caregivers by nature. his childhood teddy bear was his ‘first patient,’ and that has to mean something. he also repeatedly shows himself to be drawn to people that might be in need of ‘fixing,’ and might not necessarily pull back until something shakes him out of it. julian is someone who buzzes with energy and feels so much at once it can be hard to reign in, but once he actually manages to do that, it’s almost unstoppable.

for sisko im feeling gemini sun and scorpio moon. okay yes two signs with a bad rep for some reason but hear me out: this person is extremely charming, confident & elegant except when they're Not, there's intense confidence and resolve that comes through. and on that intensity, we’ve all seen sisko when he gets serious about something--it’s a Lot. it’s a combo that can also be thrown off kilter and that’s not a great thing, but sisko has an excellent support system to ground him so you don’t see the negativity. he’s also a pisces rising. the same intensity comes out in love and emotional intelligence with him here, he’s definitely someone in touch with that side of himself and that’s very Water Sign of him. so basically loving, protective, the type of person people get drawn too for one reason or another but also there’s a chaotic side to him too, and he’s got a flair for the dramatic (his escapades in the mirrorverse come to mind when i think about this.)

jadzia... okay see my initial reaction is to just. fill her chart with fire. she’s a big personality on the surface, and extremely magnetic. but actually? leo sun pisces moon. okay yeah, a fire sign out from the gate but hear me out. there’s a lot of duality in jadzia, and while she outwardly shows a ton of confidence, she’s also pretty self reflective and i get the sense she much prefers to deal with her problems internally. like, people don’t really see much past her dazzling outside either, and as another leo sun, people do tend to write us off as a bit one dimensional at times. the known emotional sensitivity of the pisces mized with leo’s capacity to love is good for her i think. rising is a bit tricky, since jadzia also has dax to blend her personality with, but i think that virgo rising suits her well. for all of the fun she brings to the table, she also has a brilliant streak of practicality.

kira is another instinctively ‘oh, fire sign!’ person but actually? i think she has a ton of water in her chart. she’s emotional and passionate and so devoted to the things and people she believes in, and maybe she isn’t used to paying attention to her emotions because the occupation didn’t let her, but she feels so deeply. for this reason, pisces sun sagittarius moon scorpio rising. the thing about kira is that she might hold a lot of anger, but most of it stems from love and protectiveness. she’s incredibly blunt and adaptable, and definitely one of those pisces who doesn’t actually want to admit they have anything in common with the other water signs lmao. she’s at her best when she’s around people who can ground her and kind of make her pause to evaluate things before jumping into action and seriously values the bonds she makes with people. she also doesn’t really care for staying still or playing political mind games and would much prefer to just jump into the Doing phase of things.

quark is just. it took me a minute for him actually? idk he’s a bit of a weird one. for quark, he’s kind of dramatic and emotional but also has this wonderfully deviant side and, when it comes down to it, isn’t terrible at business negotiations at all. yes he has majorly fucked up some big opportunities, but also somehow has kept his bar running for what, 15? 20 years? through everything that’s happened on ds9. quark is a capricorn sun, but it’s balanced out (or in conflict with) his aquarius moon and leo rising. quark is weird, and kind of a dick sometimes, but when he’s not trying to be a menace, he actually has a pretty good heart. he’s a pretty creative thinker and constantly finds new ways to use practical knowledge to his advantage. but he also likes to ‘outshine’ others and keep the spotlight on himself, and he’ll lie and trample over people to do so. the fact that this combo makes him attentive can be a bit of a double-edged sword; sure, he can listen to people when he feels like it, but what’s going to happen with that knowledge? who knows. not quark until he finds an opportunity for it at least.

odo! does not technically have a birthday but who cares i love him so he’s here. yes, we will start obviously: virgo sun. what else would i go with. he’s a reserved person with a personality that errs on the side of uptight; very virgo stereotypical. but you know what else? aries moon. oh yes. odo walks into a room and as long as he wants you to know he’s there, you Will know. he’s bold in his own way, and extremely on top of details with intense attentiveness. of course there’s some fire in his chart, and probably a lot of it in other placements too. his gemini rising helps this out immensely, which is kinda surprising. but also when gemini is ascendant with virgo in sun, it makes them meticulous, fast learners. maybe a bit nitpicky at times, but nothing that can’t be helped with practice. i think the aries placement would also probably explain the underlying sensitivity, because like, it’s generally one of the louder signs of the zodiac but here’s a secret from anther fire sign: we are So sensitive oh my fucking god. we have a ton of ego and pride (and you can’t tell me odo doesn’t have moments of that) so typically unless we’re in a place we feel we can let go, you won’t see it, but jesus Fucking christ fire signs have a lot of emotion under the surface.

miles, who i just wanna lowkey take the piss out of and slap him with virgo/virgo/virgo but i will refrain lmao. no, for him, libra sun leo moon virgo rising. he’s extremely reliable, devoted to his work & friends & family even if he’s not the greatest at showing it? a bit emotionally constipated but he does try very hard and that’s why we love him. is it the placements or the fact that he’s an irish dad? who knows, but he’s very prone to just telling people things outright with nothing to cushion it. this can be good or bad, and seems to depend more on how well the other person knows him. his leo side makes him pretty warm when he’s comfortable, and i think his relationship with keiko actually paints him as a lowkey traditional romantic too. also, these placements make for really good parents, and we don’t see it as much as we see the jake/sisko father/son dynamic, but miles really does do his best for his kids.

worf my boy, who i have loved dearly since i first saw tng. hard to make a guess for him im 100% happy with though. im decently satisfied with taurus sun leo moon scorpio rising. worf is just like. he doesn’t have a really big personality but you also are very aware of him? i wouldn’t say he’s stoic by any means, he’s just very. focused. he’s honest and tries his best to look at situations from a more lawful standpoint, or at least, one that makes the most sense with his own honour code. he seems drawn to stability, but also finds himself drawn to people who challenge him too? he’s out here looking for something to balance him out and put things in perspective for him. whether or not he takes that into consideration is another thing entirely. and i say scorpio because, you know what they say, still water runs deep. you might know what he’s thinking because he told you, but you might not know how he Feels about it. actually, you probably will not. the leo doesn’t really make him want to be in the spotlight or anything, in his case i think it acts more like his driving force.

and listen. i know garak isn't crew. but i love him so he’s here and we’re all gonna like it. this chaotic little bastard spy is an aquarius sun pisces moon capricorn rising. garak is unique, and even if he doesn’t want to say it, he’s pretty ruled by his emotions too. he’s creative, and a grade-A manipulator who can charm his way just about anywhere (provided of course, the person in question isn’t someone who’s been warned about him, but even then, he has a good chance). he’s good a good, if not a bit Off, sense of humour and he comes off as someone who has a personal interest in the behaviour of people. not just a spy thing, but he’s invested--he does crave a certain intimacy and closeness which gets denied uh. most of his life actually. the capricorn read comes from how he’s been able to compartmentalize and commit acts of cruelty. an interrogation that was four hours of staring and not speaking is certainly creative. it’s also an insanely calculated and sadistic mind game for him. and it’s interesting to note that as much as he manipulates, he’s also very easily manipulated himself (see: Everything about tain jesus fuck i hate that man so much). he also runs into quite a bit of trouble when he’s not able to compartmentalize things any longer, whether it’s because the emotional toll is too high or he simply doesn’t see the point in the actions any longer.

#ds9 #star trek #star trek deep space 9 #long post #WHEW

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chiserendipity · 4 years ago

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Why 2020 has Changed Me Forever - and Why I'm Grateful for That

*Warning, this deals with emotional and physical abuse, trauma and just is really long. Please do not reblog or repost this post.*

I'm just gonna say it. 2020 as a year has been terrible on a global scale with the pandemic, and the oppression of many people across the world. However, 2020 has allowed us to both reflect personally and on the world around us and demand change. I think that makes 2020 a great year for growth and shouldn't be merely dismissed because we couldn't go to concerts, have large parties, or the hot girl summer we hoped for. Real change is happening before our eyes, a movement for equal rights and to end the the endless cycle of oppression and suffering for not only the black community, but minority groups whether that be race, ethnicity, sexuality, gender, religion, those with mental or physical disability, the poor, and so many more. Yes the world is seemingly in shambles. But guess what? We have nothing but time to try and fix it now. To demand better. Both for our communities and ourselves.

Personally, I feel 2020 really pushed pause on my life and asked me "what are doing?" "why are you doing this to yourself?" and "what do you want from life?" I began looking at what I had become and I was disgusted with myself and how I decided to try and cope with past trauma. Before corona, I found myself in a very dark place mentally with seemingly no way out. I would have panic attacks repeatedly and just cry myself to sleep many nights (despite not getting very much). My endometriosis was continually getting worse with every flare up (probably from all my stress). I had no direction and very little motivation to continue.

Then, the virus hit. Once I was sent home and online classes began, I had time to stop and catch my breath. To look around at my life and really ask what I was doing wrong. As young people we tend to give ourselves a pass for poor behavior and bad decisions, or even encourage it. I realized I was falling victim to my own anger, bitterness, anxiety, and depression that had haunted me for years and it was finally rearing its ugly head. I had been suffering from depression and anxiety for years but that spring semester while still on campus was different. My moods began to swing from a hyperactive anxious state to a haunting and chilling depression that made me want to stay in my room and hide. I didn't really get much sleep in either state. But, now back home all alone and with nowhere to go. No class to dive head first into. No parties to dance the night away. No kickbacks to chill at. Just me and my monstrous thoughts. At first my overwhelming thoughts were suffocating. I would question "what is wrong with me? Why can't I get my moods under control? Why must every facet of my being so overwhelmingly broken?" Then as classes began to finish, and with the help of antidepressants, I finally started to feel a shift. I started unpacking my compartmentalized trauma I had shoved away for years in a desperate attempt to leave it the past. People always say the past is the past, but the past will never not be apart of your journey. Without properly dealing with the past, it'll always show up again in your present reeking havoc in your day to day life.

With meditation, therapy, medication, and a lot of self reflection through videos about helping your inner child, I realized I didn't know me. My life had always in some way shape or form been controlled by others. I was assigned the role "golden child" by a narcissistic father who demanded I perform that role perfectly. Even as a child, I was taught to ignore my pain and sadness and push through, because my feelings didn't matter. I was fed, lived in a nice house and had nice clothes and whatever I asked for. That was enough to prove my father’s love for me; in his eyes. I lived merely to please. As I aged this mentality seeped into my romantic life as well. My feelings always came last so I began to simply just turn them off until I became an emotionless shell. Acting as a robot, I went to school and grinded myself to the bone in all my AP and IB classes. Joined all the community based clubs and took leadership roles. At 16 I even got started working 20+ hour weeks. Meanwhile, I had to surgeries courtesy of endometriosis. The first was a emergency surgery due to a ruptured ovarian cyst and the second to dislodge my right ovary from my abdominal wall since the endometrial lining cemented the two together.

I remember complaining about cramps and my father punched me saying, "Toughen up”. My father said things like that all the time and didn't want to discuss my chronic illness or mental health. When I was 16 I admitted to having suicidal thoughts and a previous attempt a few years back and he responded that was "white girl bullshit". Another time,my father cussed me out in a pizza shop for wanting a margarita pizza calling me a stupid bitch in front of everyone in the restaurant. He constantly mocked my choice for my major and university, saying that majoring in marine science was idiotic and I'd do better in political science and studying at Vanderbilt. Pain wasn't allowed. Feelings wasn't allowed. Choice wasn't allowed. Only thing that was allowed was to do the work expected. To be "perfect".

Finally I was beginning to understand that after being told my entire life that I was nothing more than robot with marching orders, the lack of orders now that I had cut my father out of my life was causing me to feel that I had no purpose at all. I had never known freedom, and it was was now suffocating me. Now knowing this, I was able to start retraining by brain and discover who I wanted to be. My feelings were valid. I wasn't just my report card or my ACT score or my medals and academic awards. My body while it doesn't function like it should, it is still worthy of love and respect. I wasn't insane for my moods fluctuating and I just needed help to get where I needed mentally to function. And that's okay. I had to start being me and living for me, not for the approval of others. Savannah the person, not the robot, matters. I matter.

This was when I had a spiritual awakening of my soul and ego, truly deep diving on how to heal from my past. I spent hours watching videos and discovering how to dismantle the false self I had created to appease those around me and stop acting as a emotional crutch for others whilst ignoring my own emotions. I began to recognize the trauma bonds I formed with exes and current friends. I choose to associate with those who encouraged these negative social responses and bad coping mechanisms. I was merely re-entering patterns that begun in my childhood.

From our earliest years, the ego is formed. Our deepest need is to gain love + approval from our parents + caregivers. The ego, in an attempt to protect creates a concept of self identity in alignment with what we believe will give us this love.We begin to say "I am smart" or "I am strong" or "I am bad at x." We internalize the beliefs of our parents about who we are + who other people are + how the world is. All of this ego identity unconscious. Because we are not taught about our egos, we are unaware they exist. So we operate as if we ARE the ego. This brings us a ton of our own suffering + shame. It makes us feel "stuck" + unable to escape our learned patterns. That's what ego does: keeps us repeating the past. Ego work is the process of questioning the ego stories that are just thoughts + not "reality." Becoming conscious to this allows us to access CHOICE in how we respond.

- @the.holistic.psychologist

Now aware of my ego and really getting to the heart of why I'm bad at sharing my feelings and why in past relationships I was described as "distant" and "inattentive" but also “good listener but won’t open up”. Today, I can honestly say I'm no longer in that dark place I was before. I'm beginning to relearn the things I loved and truly appreciate them. I'm being the true goofy, silly, marine scientist I always wanted to be. I have friends who do care about me and I've tried to open up more emotionally. Of course I have a long way to go and constant improvement is necessary. 2020 allowed me to return to myself, not the burnt out, bitter and depressed woman I had become. I'm happy 2020 happened and for the first time in years, I'm excited for what the future brings.

#self reflection #2020 #my 2020 #short narrative #black writer #female writer #writeblr #black writers #black female writers #new writer #new writing #tw suicide #tw abuse #tw depression

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alexanderlightweight · 5 years ago

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Old Memories, New Beginnings

written for @fictober-event Prompt #1 - “It will be fun, trust me.”

Fandom: Roswell New Mexico

Pairings: Kyle Valenti & Alex Manes, (Mentioned Past Michael Guerin/Alex Manes)

Rating: T

Warnings: Light Angst, Fluff, Bittersweet, Hopeful

ao3 link

“It will be fun, trust me,” Kyle had said that morning with a grin. He’d both insisted on picking Alex up at nearly dawn and then on being the one to drive.

Alex hadn’t protested, not when Kyle was the one to suggest this little day trip and certainly not when it meant he could doze in fitful naps against the passenger’s side.

It was cool outside, keeping the window chilled under his cheek and a reminder of the changing seasons. Even as he let himself slip into a light doze, his leg gave a soft pang as if he could already feel the chill seeping into his bones.

Coffee woke up both his brain and his tongue when they stopped for food. Kyle remained alarmingly ambitious as to their mission, making inane chit chat that once would have had Alex threatening to stab him with a fork. Now, he reverted to stealing from Kyle’s plate and leaving him with the bill, rolling his eyes when the only response he got was a half-hearted protest and then Kyle getting them both drinks to go.

The landscape wasn’t recognizable. A lot of the same ever-changing yet redundant view as they drove on, it was a nice change of pace from his hours of scouring through data and files and coding though. Something that strangely enough relaxed him, though he stayed awake for idle conversation and comfortable silence.

“We’re about a half hour out,” was the first hint Kyle gave him about anything, “ready for your life to change?”

Alex blinked at him and then took a long, self-medicating gulp of lukewarm coffee.

“Kyle, the last time my life changed it wasn’t a good thing.”

Kyle winced and Alex wondered with a morbid amusement, just which of the many ridiculously bad things that had happened to him, Kyle was thinking of.

“I thought you were getting over Guerin.”

“Oh for-,” Alex cut himself off and sighed, “being responsible for my own emotional well-being and compartmentalizing my feelings to deal with them doesn’t mean I’m magically over the man I’ve loved for a decade.” He wasn’t quite ready to be over Michael either, not that he would tell Kyle that just yet.

There was too much history between Alex and Michael and too much recent hurt. He was willing to let wounds heal but he wasn’t ready to forget and give-up, or to walk completely away. Life didn’t always work the way you wanted but that didn’t mean you could stop living or stop caring and while he would live for himself, he still cared deeply about Michael. Distance had never stopped it before and he doubted it would now. He’d figure out in time if their relationship was truly lost but for now, he’d keep moving forward, trying not to look back too often but not erasing their history together either.

“Right, no that makes sense.” Kyle said after a moment, “right so. Life changing. In a good way, the best way.”

“Sure, buddy. You keep saying that, maybe you’ll actually manage to convince one of us.

Their final place of arrival was a small farmhouse with a barn in the back and a small fenced off area next to the wraparound porch, both nondescript and out of the way. With a calming aura in the way only a domestic, civilian residence could project.

“Being here is going to change my life?” Alex asked, humor coating his tone as he internally gave a sigh of relief. A small part of him had been worried that this was some sort of strange set-up, like a date. Kyle’s comment in the car about Michael had only added to that concern, now though, he doubted Kyle’s idea of him moving on was making him go on a farm picnic.

“Oh, you have no idea.”

Alex wasn’t really sure what happened next. One moment Kyle was knocking on the farmhouse door, then Alex was wading through polite introductions and then he was sitting on the back patio, a beautiful wriggling puppy in his lap.

He knew there were other things, questions he asked and was asked in return that he stuffed away to sort through later.

Everything else could wait as he fondly rubbed his hand over a velvet soft back and let his eyes nearly be poked out by a tiny cold nose and his face covered with indelicate puppy kisses and lots of slobber.

“How’d you know?” He finally asked, when it was just him, his new girl and Kyle on the porch. The couple having gone in the house to let them bond. A part of Alex wondered if this had secretly been Liz or Maria’s idea, something to boost his moral and switch his lifestyle around. He doubted it, but he couldn’t really think of another reason for Kyle to have known about Mimi’s prediction.

“That you’ve always wanted a beagle?” Kyle asked and grinned at him, “you loved Clover more than anyone.” He said reminding Alex of his dad’s dog and their four-legged companion on trips to the hunting cabin. “She used to cuddle up to you at night and then you’d sneak her scraps of food during meals. Dad always pretended not to notice but whenever you left, she’d sit at the door and he’d always say she was waiting for you. Back before,” here Kyle winced, “back before high-school, when she had her litter. I wanted to give you one, mom did too but dad said no.”

Alex gave a wet scoff and blinked rapidly, “I would have loved that.” He admitted, “but that would have been a terrible idea. Your dad did the smart thing in saying no.”

“Yeah.” Kyle grimaced, the thought of Jesse Manes a grim and disturbing shadow over the joy of their conversation and memories.

Alex smiled, something soft and sad but hopeful as he pressed a kiss to her head, “well you were definitely right. I think she’s definitely going to change my life, aren’t you sweetheart?” The puppy gave an excited yip, milk-teeth catching on his chin and he gently pulled her away.

“So what are you going to name her?” Kyle asked and he shifted, shoulder against Alex’s as he reached over to pet her, yelping slightly himself when those same sharp teeth caught on his thumb and then sighing as he rubbed out the sting. “Takes after her dad,” he muttered and then chuckled when Alex elbowed him.

“Dune,” Alex said finally, petting along her floppy ears.

“Nerd,” Kyle muttered, “you read that book every time we went to the cabin.”

“It’s a good book, she’ll be a good dog. It works.” He defended and as if to agree, Dune yipped and wagged her tail, thumping it happily against his arm as she tried to climb up his chest for more kisses.

“Well, as long as you’re both happy, that makes me happy. Nerd or not.” Kyle dodged the elbow this time but missed Dune sneakily jumping from Alex’s lap to his. He gave a muffled cry and then winced, catching the puppy quickly and shooting Alex a dirty look when he laughed. “How does such a little thing pack such a punch?” He gritted out and warily, holding Dune like she was a tiny bomb waiting to go off, handed her back to Alex. He shuffled gingerly, and winced again, “she has eerily good aim.”

“She’s perfect, that's what she is." Alex waited a moment and then turned, "Kyle, thank you. For all of this.” Alex said and Kyle grinned at him, easy and comfortable and sincere.

“Anytime Alex, I mean that.”

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dreadnought-dear-captain · 6 years ago

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Steve’s Ending: What the Fuck Just Happened?

************WARNING***********

BIG-ASS ESSAY WITH SPOILERS FOR AVENGERS: ENDGAME AHOY

I have been largely out of the fandom sphere for a spell because of personal stuff that went down and then subsequent Endgame anxiety (I’m sorry, I really will get to some BW asks as soon as I’m done reeling from this film), but I wanted to get out some thoughts about Endgame while they are fresh in my mind. I have seen Endgame twice since its release. I saw it Friday morning, debriefed with my beta @pitchforkcentral86, and then turned around and bought tickets for an evening showing the same day. Why? Because I had to process Steve’s last scene. I had to see it twice just to comprehend what the hell happened and then try to interpret it. I went through several hypotheses and waves of accompanying emotion and then came to a tentative personal conclusion about what the hell Steve’s ending is to me. But first I had to ask— Is this a true happy ending? Is this lazy writing? Is this a character assassination? Is this a legitimate choice Steve would make? Some combination of the above? So, here go my hypotheses—

Hypothesis 1: This is a legitimate happy ending for Steve and his timeline.

If you only look at the images shown to us and don’t devote much thought to the implications of Steve’s choice for other people in the world, it might appear to be a beautiful ending. After a decade-and-a-half of compass-gazing and pining for the good old days of segregation and boiled food, Steve gets what he wants. He gets the person who is — surprise! — “the love of his life.” This plays into the ongoing narrative that Steve has never been able to find contentment in the modern world or with modern people (some of whom he refers to as “family,” interestingly enough). This hypothesis also assumes that he can only be happy if he is with one woman, because he assumes shared life experience is a prerequisite for partnership, which means that he has essentially preemptively foreclosed on any relationship with anyone who is not Peggy. Since Bucky’s name has barely even entered Steve’s consciousness lately, except to emotionally whump his past self into not choking him to death, even their friendship seems to be a question in the last two films in this series.

So if we take the arc of these films into consideration, including the last two films, he has apparently resigned himself to a position of “Peggy is my only viable romantic relationship, and she is dead, and I am incomplete as long as this is true.” When you write this thesis for Steve Rogers, which is a sad thesis indeed, this ending might seem like a relief for him. (It could also be argued that it is terribly lacking in resiliency and flexibility and is naive, at best, in terms of what is love versus infatuation versus idealization.) Problematic in this happy ending scenario: The writers clearly did not consider the second and third order effects of this decision. They just needed to tie up Steve’s timeline and get Chris Evans out of the franchise, and this was a way to do it that resonates at face value. Man out of time gets put back in his time. Gets love. Quote: “It was beautiful.” Ignore all of the following and more: -There will now be two Steve Rogers in this timeline. -One of them will presumably be with Peggy Carter for at least a good chunk of time, unless things went south. -Peggy Carter is the director of SHIELD. Her close associates are undoubtedly known to them as a result. -Thus, Steve Rogers probably could not just stay hidden in the pantry. SHIELD would want to debrief him. They would want to know how the hell he got there. Questions would get asked. This could not remain a secret forever. -Is Steve Rogers going to sit out history? Hang on the couch while the world burns, shield unused? -Is Steve Rogers, knowing that Bucky is alive, going to leave him to rot with Hydra? -Even if they made some sort of arrangement beforehand, like Bucky saying it’s okay, don’t come get me, would they both sit well with continuing to let him kill all of the innocents he killed? -If Steve did go get Bucky, he would likely find him some time in the span of however many years he’s in the past. The future would be completely changed. -If he intervened and found Bucky, Sam Wilson would not be Falcon because TWS would not happen. This version of Bucky would not exist. This end scene could not happen. -Thus, this does not seem to be something that Steve chose to do during his life with Peggy. (Debunked-ish, along with other “Back to the Future” science hereafter, below) Which brings me to my second hypothesis about this ending. Hypothesis 2: This was thought out, but it represents writers Markus and McFeely’s disconnect from the character they built. This is where the “there is no way in hell Steve would sit on the couch where the world burns, where Bucky suffers with Hydra etc.” argument comes in. This taints the ending in a particularly sour way, because they have labored so hard to build an image of Steve as someone who would wreck the world to save Bucky Barnes from harm and stop at nothing to prevent serious harm in the world where he could. It’s what he wanted in the first place! It’s where we all started in TFA! The Steve we know and love would want to go to Korea. To Vietnam. He would want to stop the Khmer Rouge and all the bad shit he could intervene with. Right? And his ass would try to save Bucky, especially knowing exactly where he’s kept! Right?? He would keep going and going until he was worn down into a nub of nothingness. Right??? Which meanders me to— Hypothesis 3: This was a decision that Steve Rogers made that is plausible for his character and was deliberate on the part of the writers. Second and third order effects included. This may be a stretch, but I think it could be argued on the grounds of good becomes great, bad becomes worse. Steve does nothing by half measures, an intrinsic trait that is amplified by his transformation. I have always argued that Steve has a very real selfish streak, or else he never would have tried to enlist in the Army so many times knowing he is absolutely unqualified to serve. Serving in his original condition would have put so many lives at risk, and others would have had to pick up his slack, because he would have been next to physically useless in combat as small Steve. But he would not accept reality, and he would not accept a “lesser” form of helping because it had to be the way that served his ego and his sense of rightness and justness for himself, consequences to other soldiers and the mission be damned. It was myopic and self-serving. And if good becomes great and bad becomes worse, maybe this is a form of that. Maybe he and Bucky agreed (because they were clearly in cahoots with that final scene business) that he would not intervene and rescue him, because then there would be no Falcon, or simply on the principle that the timeline must remain as undisturbed as possible. And maybe this one time, Steve didn’t say “fuck you, Bucky” and do what was right. Maybe Steve Rogers was done. Fucking done. Maybe he realized that what he first wanted at the beginning of TFA is not tenable. That he can’t fight forever. That he, like Tony, needs to rest, and that he can’t do that in the modern world. Which is interesting, because he essentially becomes Tony Stark v1.0 in the end, only caring about himself and his own. And Tony Stark becomes Steve Rogers, making the ultimate sacrifice for mankind. So Steve enjoys a life with Peggy while the world burns because he just can’t do it anymore. He’s paid his dues and he’s done being Captain America or Nomad or anyone else. (Wonder how she likes that version of Steve...?) Though how he could possibly say “It was beautiful” is utterly beyond me. I can’t fit that into this hypothesis, unless he has compartmentalized so hard and so well that he has forgotten about Bucky’s existence completely. And if he has, this is a very sad ending for his character.

There are probably many other hypotheses out there. They just didn’t percolate through my mind yet.

Which brings me to some things @pitchforkcentral86 brought up:

Why was Tony Stark’s arc so perfectly completed, so beautifully closed — truly, even I shed a tear — when we have to sit here writing stupid billion word theses on a nearly defunct blog site, grasping for straws, scratching our heads, wondering what the fuck just happened to Steve Rogers? It’s like getting to know somebody for eight years, being told the same stories about their behavior, learning their values system, their truths… and then being thrown a parting image that can only make sense if a) the writers cannot be trusted — and maybe could not be trusted this whole time, or b) the character is actually not the person we thought he was.

Is either of these what we want to be left with as we close this phase of the MCU? Either the writers failed or Steve Rogers is not the person we love? And do we really not get to see Bucky and Steve’s friendship arc get closed in a meaningful way after building its depth for three movies? Are we really supposed to count a cheap recycling of a TFA line and some shimmery-eyed SebStan woobieface (TM) and some secret time travel hook-up conspiring off-camera (AS THEIR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN SINCE CIVIL WAR, PRESUMABLY, OFF-FUCKING-CAMERA) as “closure”? So, what do I think? I think this was lazy, crap writing, and I think Markus and McFeely thought we wouldn’t consider the timey-wimey implications too much. I think they know this character, and I don’t think they figured this would assassinate his character. I think they just really, really needed to tie this story up in a superficially pretty bow, and they couldn’t kill off both Tony and Steve, so they needed to give him something that took him out of the franchise. And that scene at the end with Peggy was aesthetically BEAUTIFUL. I smiled the first time, ear to ear, until my brain kicked in two minutes later and realized what it meant. They have been building up to this forever, kindling Steggy pretty much every movie. We Stucky people are all like yeah, yeah, Peggy, so sad, but the films have been consistent all along about saying a) Steve is a man out of time, and b) he loves Peggy Carter. (However you wanted to interpret that love... until the support group, where the interpretation is made for us). Support group side note: First, I squeed that Steve was running a support group in what I’m pretty sure is a VA auditorium. And on one hand, I loved the super chill gay Russo cameo and Steve’s untroubled reaction. Three cheers for the first openly gay character in the MCU [eyeroll]. But also, it felt like a total concession, like okay all you Stucky idiots we’ve been queer baiting over the years, we are gonna drop an A-bomb your little kingdom, but look, at least Steve isn’t a homophobe! See? He’s cool with the gays and so are we. Thanks for playing. Maybe you’ll get a REAL queer character in the next phase of the MCU! (If you even stick around after the shit we’ve just pulled.) But this laziness is problematic, because it feels terrible and discrepant. Intended or not, it does have serious implications for the timeline and/or the character, and the final scene existing the way it is potentially means at least one of two things: 1. Time doesn’t work the way we think it does. (In other words, what if there is a world where time travel Steve did all these good things like free Bucky, end the Vietnam War early, etc.?) However, since he is here on this bench with Bucky and Sam, dropping off this shield, this is implausible. If he just disappeared for good and Bucky explained the situation with a tiny, knowing smile, then it would be possible that he started an alternate reality where he did all these very Steve-congruent things and freed Bucky in that timeline, which would not affect this one. Wouldn’t that be nice? I could live with that. Just disappear into the sunset and we can write fics to fill in all the gaps of his Steve-ness. His core character is retained. Hooray.

But if he started an alternate timeline, he would not be here with Bucky and Sam like this in the original timeline as an old man, which suggests that he jumped back in the same timeline. Unless they invented technology to jump between timelines. Or Dr. Strange jumped him back to this bench just to drop the shield off and high five with Sam and then is going to take him back any second or some dumb shit that has no basis in anything we have seen on screen (see @pitchforkcentral86’s point above about grasping for bullshit just to make sense of this). Or it means that— 2. Steve did not do anything and did not give a fuck about it. Both of these are terrible. Terrible. I would rather have had Steve die than have this ending. And this has nothing to do with Stucky for me, because Stucky is mostly just a fun fandom thing for me. I don’t mind that he ended up with Peggy per se. It’s the implication that he didn’t save his friend, knowing EXACTLY — geographically and historically — where he was, not only saving Bucky but also all the innocent people Bucky would kill. OR I hate the implication that the smug motherfucker let Bucky rot — perhaps per their agreement, maybe he kept a promise, whatever — and he had the gall to call it “beautiful.” And this is after Markus and McFeely slaved for three movies to convince us that these are best fucking friends from childhood who are with each other “‘til the end of the line.” At the very least, even if they are not going to be physically together, friends do not let friends suffer for decades at the hands of Hydra, and if they do, they do not fucking enjoy themselves while it’s happening. If this is the Steve they are leaving us with, I do not want him. And I kind of don’t know what to do now.

Am I missing something? Please tell me I am. I’m desperate for a way to make sense of this. Truly.

OKAY, EDIT:

@koubashii very kindly sent me a message reminding me that Bruce spent quite a bit of time belaboring on the point that changing the past doesn’t change the future. She reminded me that Nebula killing her past self didn’t obliterate her from existence. I did forget about all this. So I can’t use Sam and Bucky Prime’s existence in their current form as evidence that Steve did nothing, if he went back in time. Point taken. THANK YOU!!

(Edit: As far as I can gather from some research from actual astrophysicists and not MCU Bruce Banner, this “changing the past doesn’t change the future” stuff is just one small theory and does not appear to be the prevailing theory. However, this is the quantum realm, so we can make up all sorts of silly rules about infinite possibilities, infinite realities, yada yada, because nobody understands quantum physics except Hank Pym. Comic book science wins again!)

So, if he’s creating a separate timeline, let’s say he rescued Bucky early. Is there another Bucky running around with him? (New fun theory to make the pain better: He danced with Peggy, had a good time, went to find Bucky, married HIM, and that’s why he doesn’t want to talk about it with Sam. THERE. Fixed it.)

But this still suggests that he broke off into an alternate timeline, one that did not disturb the current one. So if he went off into this entirely new timeline, how did he bounce into this old one? Pym particles? Sure. Fine. Comic science Whatever. Maybe he gets some. Did he just drop in by the lake and pop a squat on the bench right before Bucky told Sam to look? Sure. Was he there the whole time? Perhaps. Fine. Who the hell knows.

So, one possible explanation is that there IS an alternate timeline where Steve did the right thing. And he jumped back here because Pym particles. His character’s integrity is potentially saved and who the fuck knows who he ended up with in the end. Let your imaginations run wild. It’s too late for Bucky Prime to get saved, poor Bucky. At least he has Sam and their upcoming Disney spinoff series, which sounds like a fucking joke when I write it (but srsly I’m dying and cannot wait).

And there are still problematic things with this narrative for me, such as the idea that Steve’s entire happiness hinges on one woman he barely knew, largely because she didn’t scoff at him when he was smol and I will be DAMNED if Peggy kept his picture on her desk, and there is no effing way that she would even have her back to the door, but whatever. And I still hate that Steve and Bucky’s relationship arc was treated so horribly by these last two films. NO HOMO, indeed. Just in case we got the wrong idea from the intensity of the relationship that the MCU created for us. I will be posting more on this later.

AND STILL — we should not have to work SO HARD for this kind of "meh” explanation. You should not need a group effort to make sense of your character’s ending, after so much wallowing in despair. And this might still reek of bullshit to many of you. I need to percolate more.

Pym particles and Wakandan Vibranium trauma-healing brain magic — quick and dirty shortcuts for real character development. Thanks, MCU. Consider my brain exploded.

#avengers endgame #help #endgame spoilers

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comefeedtherainn · 5 years ago

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30 Days Commander Shepard Meme: 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. Please and thank you very much :-)

hello!! thank you so much i love ranting about john ldigha[ogh

5. Is there an event from your Shepard’s past (before they joined the Alliance) that they look fondly on? What is it?

honestly like...john loved being in the Reds. at least when he was younger. because he was fucking GOOD, and he felt important and needed and skilled and like he was part of a family and it was really good for his self-esteem. knowing that it is less than surprising how quickly he got attached to being commander of the Normandy and his whole crew lol

10. How do they feel about being in command of the Normandy? About their SPECTRE status?

ahahaha so...john literally only exists in the Break of Dawn ‘verse because i’m terrible. so he’s got a weird relationship with it? before he gets (spoilers lmfao) discharged, he’s already kind of become disenchanted because he feels really restricted and ineffectual and he is NOT a military man at heart. and that only gets worse when he becomes a spectre. with all the freedom that role is supposed to offer him, it just becomes ANOTHER collar that’s pulling him in a different direction than the alliance one lol. he had a crisis when he first became a spectre, coz he was like *john cena voice* ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT

why does he RETURN to command of the normandy?? when he’s literally not being paid?? at all?? no one is making him?? fuck if even he could tell you. something something it’s the right thing to do something something family something. :p

15. Squad: Who does your Shepard like the least? Why?

LMAO SAVAGE. so john doesn’t really NOT like anyone on the normandy squad. but he has the LEAST relationship with the me2-era crew. he’s a little cooler with miranda coz she and kaidan are close and he became her friend by osmosis, grunt is his son, and he’s VERY close with jack because they, kaidan, and ash are literally blood family at this point, but everyone else john just wasn’t really emotionally available enough to connect with.

20. What is your Shepard’s least favorite place to go in the galaxy? Why?

does the collector base count??? if not, NOVERIA. lmfao

25. How does your Shepard deal with death? Not just the deaths of civilians, but of friends (such as Mordin or Thane).

worse as time goes on. he’s seen a lot of it, and for a while he’s pretty good at compartmentalizing and letting people go. but like i said...he’s not a military man. he does not have the heart of a soldier. his heart bleeds a lot more than he’d like to let on, and the deaths start to take a toll on him. kaidan’s sort of broke the camel’s back, and it’s all downhill from there.

30. Share your favorite piece of art or your favorite screenshot of your Shepard. What about it makes it your favorite?

i actually dont have any art of john T_T i need some so bad!!!!! i also am terrible at remembering to take screenshots so yeah none of those either. i’ll share a good gif somebody else made of him and his hubby tho (my shep has the default appearance coz i have a thing for taking the default character of a game and injecting them with life idk let me live)!

there they are. beautiful.

#john shepard #mass effect #meme #mshenkowithoutadoubt

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douxreviews · 6 years ago

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Outlander - ‘The Birds and the Bees’ Review

By Laure Mack

"It's good to have family around the table again."

For better or worse, when you're cramming an intricate novel into a single season of television there seems to be a big to do in every episode. This week we stood mostly on the for better side of things.

Too bad we can't stay on the for better side of things. Of course if we did then the show would be called Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.

Anyway, the Frasers are all together. What could go wrong? Probably everything because this is Outlander. Okay, okay that's a little unfair. Brianna's last name is Randall after all, not Fraser.

The fact that Jamie is relieving himself in the alley when he finally meets his daughter had me laughing out loud. Then he touched her face and I was gagging out loud. Dude, gross. Has Claire taught you nothing about hygiene? Sam Heughan does his best to make up for Jamie's lack of hand sanitizer with insanely evocative face acting. And man, does he deliver. Even without words, it was plain to see every painfully joyous and heightened emotion that a daughter would want their long lost father to feel when meeting him. I'd have fully believed it if Jamie had keeled over right there from heat failure. It was exceptionally well done by both actors but only Jamie broken my heart.

Then Bree got to see her mom and that is when I felt like she could breathe again. After the horror she suffered the night before, I can only imagine that whatever small relief there was for her to have, it would be found in the arms of someone she loves and trusts and had missed so much.

I felt terrible for Brianna pretty much straight through. Every time she jumped or flashed back to the attack or started shaking but especially when she had to walk through the bar and even speak to someone that could've been listening to her scream just half a day before. The exquisite horrors she was trying to compartmentalize and the struggle to keep it tightly bound was astoundingly acted out. Heartwrenching. Then slowly through the hour, she was able to open up to Claire a little more and a little more. As her physical wounds weren't so raw, the others were able to be dealt with. Or at least exposed.

Apart from the long anticipated meeting and reunion scenes, there were so many other beautiful smaller moments. Like Jamie realizing that he doesn't want his daughter to leave and Claire understanding but realizing that Bree will be practically infinitely safer back in the 1900s. And how great was it when Jamie realized what a great shot Brianna was?? And Murtagh giving his godson a little peptalk about parenting. They are interesting parallels as parents, aren't they? Jamie has biological children that he didn't get to raise. Murtagh fathered no offspring but had a hand in raising Jamie and looking out for him and protecting him. I wonder if either would trade places with the other given the chance. Probably not. And I really really loved the whole bee hunting excursion. Father and daughter talked candidly about the Frank that is between them. Bree was able to make peace with the fact that she has two dads and Jamie got a tiny piece of the kind of parental relationship that he once thought would be his whole life. I mean did you see his face light up when he told Claire that he'd been called 'Da'?

Jamie and Claire who never keep secrets both decided that now is the time. Tsk tsk, you guys. At least I think Claire did. Jamie definitely told Ian and Lizzy not to tell his wife and daughter about the unexpected visitor. If either spouse had spoken up instead of choosing this moment to have simultaneous rebellious streaks, then whatever mess Roger is facing next week could've been avoided. Ruh roh.

I find it painfully unbelievable that Jamie wouldn't outright kill the man he thought raped his daughter. Like 100% I'm not buying it. Sorry.

Gosh, this was good. Was it 4 out of 4 good? I just don't know.

3.5 out of 4 Gaelic nicknames.

Bits and pieces

When people are surprised in TV and movies, they often drop whatever they are holding. It almost never looks natural to me.

Was that silversmith's wife coming on to Jamie a few episodes back so that we'd understand why he would assume Bree is hitting on him here?? Still bizarre to me.

One thing did pay off, though, now we know why it was important for Lizzie to see Roger and Brianna arguing. Poor Roger.

I'm not saying I want him dead, because Bree loves him and that's her choice to make (because she's an adult and can her own freaking decisions, Roger!!!) but I got a little kick out of Bonnet threatening Roger. That can't say good things about me.

Jamie took Brianna on a hunt for bees and Bree realized she was pregnant while watching a family of birds. The birds and the bees.

Jamie also took Willie hunting when he visited Frasers Ridge. Family traditions are nice.

On a side note, most birds really freak me out. The ones in this episode were no exception.

They were all freaking in Wilmington and couldn't stop by for Bree to meet Fergus. Stupid. And dumb. Ugh.

But Murtagh got to meet Bree and tell her stories and share meals and it meant so so much to him. Too cute.

Claire looked downright giddy watching her husband and daughter get to know each other. Cute.

What else was in that issue of the newspaper where the obituaries were found?? Is there anything they could use to narrow down when the date will be?

Bree means disturbance (among other things?) in Gaelic.

I couldn't find any pictures of Brianna with either of her parents. Frustration station.

Jamie: "What do ye want here, lassie?" Bree: "You." Jamie: "I'm sorry, lass. I'm a marrit man. I meant it. I have a wife." Bree: "Are you... you're Jamie Fraser, aren't you?" Jamie: "I am. Who asks? You've a message for me, lass?" Bree: "My name is Brianna. I'm your daughter." Jamie: "Brianna? Is it true? It's you?" Bree: "It's me. Can't you tell?" Jamie: "Aye. Aye, I can."

Ian: "When it comes to you, Auntie Claire, I've learned it's better not to ask too many questions."

Jamie: "I dinna believe it'll be as simple as that. We havenae had much luck changing history in the past, Claire."

I'm with Jamie, y'all. I'm not convinced that the past is changeable in Outlanderverse. I think that everything that happens is how it will always have happened. BUT just because someone pointed their names in a newspaper, doesn't mean they are dead. Or will be dead. Whatever. I think the obits will still get printed but my money says they won't be dying in a fire.

Jamie: "This is Brianna, our daughter. Brianna, this is my godfather, Murtagh." Brianna: "Hi." Murtagh: "What took you so long, lass?"

#Outlander #Claire Beauchamp #Jamie Fraser #Brianna Randall #Roger Wakefield #Outlander Reviews

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mousieta · 4 years ago

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Review: Addicted Heroin, 2016

Watched in 2020 Year End Review

Country: China

Watched on: Viki

Oof… this show. This show is… still stuck with me, I will not lie. It’s gotten under my skin and I contemplate it regularly.

This show is my textbook example of the importance of understanding *what* it is you are watching, which may take a little more work in a different language. The way I approach developing my take on any work is two-fold. First is the evaluation of *what* the thing is or what it is trying to be. An action/adventure movie is not the same as a romcom drama, as a scifi novel, as a volume of poetry. This evaluation is completely separate from how much I enjoy it. One can stem from the other or inform the other but sometimes your brain/ heart love something thats pretty terrible and sometimes you can recognize that things are good they just aren’t for you.

This is why my evaluations of something like The Wolf was so different than that for Meteor Garden despite the parallels between the two main leads.

And I preamble with all of this because it is important to know about me as I dig into how I felt about this show.

Surface level first: most of this show is pretty rough. The acting is rough but in an unpolished stone kind of way. The directing/ editing is at times bizarre, with visual story telling conventions sometimes dangling by a thread. Though, to be fair on that last part, this is definitely a drama where I suspect it ran into the censor’s shredder constantly and just barely (but not really) managed to come out. Unfortunately, this is probably always going to be a thing with Chinese dramas, particularly BLs. I have to give credit to the attempts even as I can only judge what is, not what may have ben.

The writing leaves a lot to be desired in the early episodes. We are rushed through our setup and early development to get the conceits set up for our main characters to show up. They are walked through the early motions of a conflict-ridden relationship. There are cute moments in their prank wars but they always feel on the verge of going too far.

But, the title of the show tells us what to expect from our OTP: Addiction. This isn’t going to be a healthy, happy, light-hearted relationship. And… we got exactly that, a pairing of characters who are obsessed with one another. And much like their pranks, it always feels like they’re on the verge of going too far, of crossing too many boundaries, of being - ultimately - redeemable.

I almost stopped a few times as the lines of ‘rape’ and ‘assault’ aren’t straddled so much as tossed around in the wind to fall where they may. I couldn’t really root for the OTP as much as watch the car-crash unfold in horror, hoping there’s some happiness at the end but, much like them with each other, I was addicted enough to keep watching. Appropriate for a couple who’s ship name literally means Heroin.

There is a key moment at the beginning of the bed-scene in the last available episode that so clearly defines one of the characters that I feel if more of that bit of characterization had been shown earlier on, would have made the dynamic we’re watching much clearer. Overall a lot could have been made clearer but asking for clarity through the darkened glass of censorship is an exercise in futility.

Eventually, the line the show tries to toe is pushed a few times too many. It ends abruptly in episode 15 on a forever unresolved cliffhanger as the show was taken off air (in fact I don’t believe the last 3 episodes even aired in China). So it just left me feeling restless and unsatisfied.

Thing is, though, I can’t stop thinking about the show. As much as we like to compartmentalize things nicely, as much as we want a clearly delineated line between good and bad, healthy and unhealthy, consent and non-consent the reality of human messiness can make things blurry.

I have to give points to the show for walking right up to that boundary line and pushing past it. They were punished for it. But ... sometimes boundaries should be pushed, sometimes they absolutely shouldn’t be, wisdom would say that the risk of the former demands we always assume the latter, but human beings aren’t known for their sagacity. We’re fucked up. And that means sometimes our relationships are too.

2020 Year End Reviews Masterpost

#2020 Drama Reviews #addicted cdrama #mousie reviews

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loptrcoptr · 4 years ago

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Actually, not true! Having similar feelings here/flashbacks to the HIMYM finale, which well and truly broke me. I spent years watching that show as it aired, and trying to get background work when it was filming, so this bitter, “did you just gaslight me for x seasons” feeling is not new, and as I binged veronica mars in a couple weeks’ time, as opposed to the years I spent on HIMYM, not as bad. I do feel a smidge of concern for folks who did invest 5-15 years in this show only to get gobsmacked in the last five minutes. Y’all ok? Need any belated hugs or booze? I’m not ok and I just got here.

Here comes an ESSAY about FEELINGS and why last minute course-changes are terrible television finale plans, always and forever

I think this is the kind of thing that would’ve been fine in earlier years for the show, the same kind of generally lazy, loophole-abundant writing one expects from a teen drama (seriously, this show was chock full of nonsense: no one ever heard from Duncan again? Did CPS ever take Meg’s little sister away or did everyone just pretend she wasn’t getting abused anymore?).

The problem is all the effort the writers/showrunner/etc. went to in order to make the final season— and the movie, to a certain extent— feel more mature and more developed than the previous seasons. If this had just been more of the same, eg. if the character relationships in season 4 felt as dull and hodge-podge as the bombing plot, I wouldn’t be nearly as mad. But this season went out of its way to try and move Veronica and Logan along to a position where viewers could address the toxicity issues and the reasons behind them, whilst looking ahead. A relationship that requires work, therapy, time. What an astonishingly good take for television! Catch me yelling “I’m sorry, she’s never gone to therapy this whole time??” at the screen, amongst other things. I was so impressed with the progression of Logan’s character, his dedication to healing and self-improvement, and so irritated with Veronica’s (admittedly characteristic) lone wolf, I-don’t-need-help bullshit. The writers clearly put a lot of effort into moving these teen characters of the past into the adult present, and exemplifying how, with a little work, they can go the distance. That a good relationship is better than a thrilling, unhealthy one.

Why didn’t that happen? Still trying to work out the endgame here. Logan gets blown to shit offscreen and then we get taken to a “one year later” flashforward, which I always abhor, and that’s it. That’s all she wrote. It’s like five minutes of weird “blah” that neither fits with the season, nor even the oldest soapy vestiges of the show, really, because it’s so last-minute. If they killed off Logan for The Drama.... why didn’t they do it earlier in the episode and drag us through the aftermath? Veronica made a slightly red-flag comment (one of many) midway through the season, that without her dad and Logan she’d stick her head in an oven. We don’t see any of that immediate, heartbroken grief– only jaded, year-later grief, which serves only to once again make Veronica seem harsher and more compartmentalized than she is or should be. The season poster has her sitting at her desk with marshmallows on top of it— the fuck was that whole byline, where’d it go? We don’t see marshmallow Veronica in this season, only head-like-a-rock Veronica.

So, back to the why. Was Jason Dohring just like “please don’t make do this shit for my entire life, can you kill him”? If so, can’t blame the dude, the same shtick forever must get old. Was Rob Thomas trying to set everything up for a fifth season with the new Traveling Veronica and Keith? The show went to all that trouble to fake out Keith possibly dying and then, when he’s out of danger, also reveal that he isn’t suffering from dementia and can return to work like normal. To set Keith up with such a shiny positive future, and then blow Logan to kingdom come in the same breath.... damn ,they really did Logan dirty! That guy had one fucked up childhood, an even more fucked up adolescence, and then had the wherewithal to actually look inward and see he’s fucked, make a change, move forward.... and then die young because, what, the message is “life sucks”? No, I think the message is “life sucks MOST for Veronica”, as though the folks around her who get hurt or die are just fuel for her pain.

Like... the big character message for her, for the entire season, is that nothing short of her husband getting atomized would make her consider therapy. You know, after fifteen years of dealing with trauma, no therapy. BAD TAKE. Possibly the worst take? That fuckoff convenient voicemail that Logan’s therapist gives to Veronica. (I’m not even gonna touch on the fact that she only got the voicemail a year later, which seems to imply she didn’t even go to therapy for a whole year after his death, which is a further BAD TAKE) so Veronica drives off into the sunny afternoon on the PCH, depressed, and this voicemail plays to like.... affirm that all the shit about Veronica that the season was deeming problematic— the compartmentalization, the detachment, the refusal to address her problems or seek help, the inability to grow up and move forward— those were all actually good things? Like... what, Logan was wrong to seek help, or is it just that Veronica is “stronger” and we should be proud of her for that? And it seems, from the content of the recording, where Logan brings up kids, like in five fucking years of dating/living together they never once discussed what they wanted out of the future, like children? And we’re supposed to hear all that and just let Veronica off the hook for anything she ever did to jeopardize their relationship, because really, she was just so strong and Logan just changed too much? WORST TAKE OF ALL.

So what was the point of disintegrating Logan lackadaisically and moving on at lightspeed? If it was to set up a new season with new stakes, goddamn was that a mistake, I will not be watching. Fuck ya canon, I am out lol. It’s not character death that really gets me here, it’s callousness. Like damn, y’all invested so much time and money (fan money, for that entire movie, right?) into this show and its characters over nearly two decades... only to bump main character #2 off in a last minute plot twist? Why? To piss people off? Why couldn’t you just have let folks be happy, would that have been so awful? Or hell, if he needed to go, why couldn’t he have been a bombing victim halfway through the season? Going through his funeral and the grieving process for all the characters, and subsequently Veronica needing to get very personal revenge (but being a bigger person and not shooting Penn or otherwise killing him because aww growth).... why not do that? This shit was just odd. I’ve predicted 90% of the twists and turns in this show from episode 1 onward, and this I did not see coming at all. I really thought they were gonna let everyone have a happy ending. Legitimately sat there in my bed, watching the cogs turn in veronica’s head as she talks about Fiji, while I mumble at my computer screen “...no. They wouldn’t dare. They wouldn’t dare. Would they?” So was that the reason, just to do something “daring”? The whole “aftermath” portion of the finale was just bizarre to watch because I genuinely kept expecting Logan to pop up, like the “psych”-type take when it looked like he’d called off the wedding; “oh, haha, you had me going there”, that kind of thing. Until the credits rolled, I was still convinced he hadn’t bought it. Fake-out that isn’t a fake-out? BAD TAKE. I’m tired of all these bad takes. Good writers, and showrunners, should know the difference between viewer distress caused by a well-wrought, heart-wrenching character death, and viewer outrage caused by a last minute character bump-off, and frankly, if you’ve been running a show on and off for fifteen years you are exactly the kind of person who should know better. Looking at you, Rob Thomas.

Now, I can’t decide if my headcanon is that Logan is out there, badly injured but on the mend, or if I just want to toss the whole season out and have a do-over headcanon instead. It’s a toss up ;P

Finished Veronica Mars last night and actually woke up just now briefly, and happily, convinced that I dreamed up the final episode... but ah, alas, I did not

Don’t know if I’ve ever been gaslit by a tv show before now

#veronica mars #quarantine is for essays no one needs or asked for #what WAS that im still just like.... whose crappy idea was that anyway. i must know.#who is responsible for such nonsense

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theradiaries-blog1 · 7 years ago

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Forgiveness

I’m struggling with the concept of forgiveness of late, more so than usual.

In the past I’ve been been hurt and offended by people close to me. My whole extended family felt the tear of my feud with my cousins. None of us knew how to deal with it. Moreover, I can honestly map my life out by the phases of best friends I’ve had and then dropped and cycled onto another. Typically when I’ve been mistreated I leave and move on. Seasons change, I once called it. As a social and indiscriminate person I figured it’s normal and perhaps a sign that I’m a bad judge of character. I never vetted friends, I just go with the flow. In any relationship, fights and breaks up are normal. I thought I knew forgiveness because of all this experience. I had forgiven and forgotten, distance solved the issue and I moved on.

Only in a few circumstances with special people did the distance not work. I felt unsettled, it didn’t feel right even if it made sense. I missed them. I didn’t want them to be like this I didn’t want the season to change. Notably was my best friend, who I eventually made up with. We’ve had a few falling outs but we always came back. We’re cousins too so seeing each other was unavoidable. In hindsight she is one of the biggest blessings I have right now, arguably the lowest point in my life. We had to forgive each other to come back stronger and better. It was enough to accept we are incompatible, shrug it off and move on.

But she was different and at one empty sleepover she sat me down and forced us to confront ourselves. It worked we fixed our relationship and everyone in our families was relieved. Our fight wasn’t helping anyone. And now at 25, years later, I’m so glad she demanded I be real, and that I forgive her also. I used to find strength in my independence and ability to let people go and continue being me. My hurt and pain fueled me to carry on as I was, head held high and proud that I stood to my convictions. With her I had to acquiesce to make up, actually forgive and accept. At the time it felt uncertain, but now I see how important she has been in my life since then and I have no regrets reconciling that day.

But she was family. I had people pressuring us to make up. What about people that aren’t blood but become family? What if they break your heart, as friends and as more? These are people who were good to me, loved me when I didn’t love myself and made me better and happier. I’ll never forget the role they played in my life. But now things are difficult, one left me and the others are trying to maintain our individual relationship. In their sincere attempts to keep me, though, they made me second fiddle. I got demoted and compartmentalized. I feel like they pull me out of their closet to play when it’s safe, and I am no longer in their family.

But I’m still struggling to forgive. I went back I tried to fix things but it didn’t work. So I distanced myself again. I couldn’t do it anymore- being surrounded by People and giving them your 100% and them only giving you conditional 100%. I accepted that our friendship has changed. And they never apologized. We just ignore the elephant in the room, our past and our missing friend. I don’t think I’ve forgave them despite how hard I tried. Hurt and pain are what strengthens me to take care of myself and leave. But forgiveness without apology is what I need to gain peace, and it doesn’t allow me to harbor pain. But how do you know when to forgive and when to use the pain to your strength? Now I simultaneously wish them the best while also wishing they experience the hurt they did to me. That has got to be proof I haven’t forgiven them- you don’t wish pain on people if you forgive them. I feel terrible about it.

I’m shocked that after all this time, I still don’t know how to forgive people I love without feeling weak. I’m scared it is and will continue to hold me back. So today, I’ll start to truly, really forgive without an apology. I’ll forgive because I love myself as much as I love them.

#forgiveness #friendship

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fyperia · 8 years ago

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why i am angsty™ this week

@questionably-gay

so there’s this guy i’ve been talking to. we go to school together, he’s a year ahead of me in the same major so we’ve had a number of classes together over the last few semesters. we’re also both huge nerds (expected in a game dev program) and play a lot of the same games so we were what you might call “friends”

i will say, we’d been getting pretty close over the last month or two; he’s fairly attractive, responds to being sassed with equal or greater sass, is pretty good at overwatch and wow (but not better than me, so i can still shit talk him), and Definitely Not A Neckbeard. or so i thought? not sure on that one anymore.

tl;dr boy i was moderately interested turns out to be kind of an ass, freaks out that i don’t answer his message and deletes me from everything.

i won’t bore you with the details, but here’s a list of the offending topics i failed to connect as they happened, under a nice readmore because holy hell it’s long:

-when i said i was reporting someone after a sexual assault joke was made during a match of overwatch, asked what i was reporting him for

-his brothers made a lot of Not Funny ‘jokes’ while we were on discord (that I heard over his open mic) and he never really responded to them but he did always laugh at them

-didn’t understand why blizzard “had to go and make tracer gay, i mean was it really necessary for them to do that?” until i was like well i’m bi and i think it’s pretty cool that they did that (he shut up about it and then got quiet whenever people would be excited about it in front of him)

-when symmetra was confirmed as autistic, he told me this. conversation was basically: “so symmetra is autistic” “people didn’t know that?” “i dunno, but they just announced it” “yes and?” “she’s autistic” “ok so?” “i dunno, she’s autistic” “what’s your point?” “the character, not the people who play her” “....” (someone else changed the subject at that point, i was just too caught off guard to respond)

-not really an Offense™ but some more explanation before i get to the end: i’m really terrible about answering messages. always have been. i have a lot of things going on with my brain so if i am not in messaging mode/mood i just will ignore non-essential messages, especially when i’m trying to catch up on school work i’ve fallen behind on due to said brain things. for a week or so i barely answered his messages, though i always made an effort to at least reply with like a sticker or a gif whenever he sent me something. after a few days of that he sent me The Dreaded Message: “hey are we ok?”

-i did not answer this message. i did not open this message. this message gave me way too much anxiety (and it was a weekend that i had someone visiting from out of state, so i was not prepared to deal with it right then.) less than twenty-four hours later, he sent a followup: “guess not :/”

-so i was pressured to explain the state of my mental health, why i forget to answer messages and then get anxiety about answering them late, why i am often too depressed to answer, etc. so that he would not feel personally targeted by my lack of response. it was honestly the most open i have ever been with anyone who is not one of my closest friends or s.o. about my mental health. because, i figured, we were friends so he deserved to know why i was being unresponsive.

-he sends back an equally large wall of text explaining why he gets anxiety about being ignored or w/e and how unlucky he’s been with relationships in the past and he just doesn’t want to screw it up because he always thinks it’s something he did. i’m like ok, i understand, but you need to bear with me because i usually just Can Not from february to april. he agrees. we’re good again. at this point when we’re in the computer lab at the same time he begins sitting next to me instead of across from me as we play my horse prince together (amazing game btw, check it out for mobile devices, a+++ localization)

-at some point he discovered i’m ticklish and decided it’s funny to tickle me. i don’t really think it’s funny! poke me in an area that i’m ticklish, sure, ok, that can be funny, but do not continue. that’s just rude. especially when i constantly tell you to not do that please. jeez.

-here’s the event that was my actual last spoon for this shit. i was in the middle of an all-weekend meeting for the rules design for the larp i play. (he knew this, because i talked about it a lot with him, as a fellow nerd, and he recently played an event with us.) i had also recently posted a humorous status update on facebook (which he saw and liked) making fun of myself for wanting to talk to people but never answering any messages i receive. he sends me a message like “can i ask you something?”

-although i am busy i fire back a “sure what’s up” assuming i can get to it whenever i have the chance as per our previous agreement. this was apparently not the case. he asked me if i wanted to go do a thing that i was just not prepared to be asked. (nothing major, this one actually wasn’t any fault on his part. knowing my interests, you would assume it was a thing i want to do.)

-however, i had/have been recently in a slump about a certain person who i miss very dearly unfollowing me on tumblr and just generally not talking to me ever. as this was a thing she and i had promised we would do together, but never got around to before falling out of touch, i got really upset about it. like had to compartmentalize to finish my meeting but had like three complete breakdowns over the next few days about it, i was an utterly inconsolable mess, missed work and class the next day, i don’t know how i managed to pull myself through class on that tuesday, i think i told everyone i was sick? i don’t often go out without at least filling in my eyebrows, but i was an Unshowered Mess for a few days. it was gross. i felt gross. (i stopped feeling gross after the person in question accepted my insta follow request and i just decided to tell myself she probably unfollowed me on tumblr when i wasn’t posting for a while. i still have not fortified to message her. i am a weenie but i will get there eventually. baby steps?)

-every other hour for about thirty six hours, i got a “?” or some derivative thereof from this boy in question. like “you there?” “hey you’re cute” “tooooori” etc. but i was legit super busy and ignoring literally everyone, and also trying to not have a panic attack about the last bullet point up there^. it was really obnoxious but i didn’t really know how to say “hey your question triggered a very bad response from me so that’s probably not something i want to go do with you” for whatever reason. probably because i knew in my brainspace that he would not take anything with the word “triggered” in it seriously.

-and then the glorious last straw: because i hadn’t answered (in under forty-eight hours, mind you, it was still the weekend) he sent a message that was just “*autistic screeching*” and i was like ..............................................

-i did not know how to answer this. i did not know how to list this entire rant i have written here and be like “wow, are you secretly an asshole?” because wow. i was literally stunned. so i didn’t answer.

-cue me skipping school on monday because of aforementioned response to the question and not wanting to interact with him. he did not show up in my computer lab (which i work in) for the last three weeks.

-cut to yesterday morning: i got a text from one of the officers in my wow guild (and a very dear friend) asking why he quit the guild. i was like huh, that’s weird. i also noticed he had left a facebook group chat that he was in with me, though the chat had served its use and was done with weeks before. so i go and check around, to discover he’s unfriended me on facebook, unfollowed me on insta, deleted me from battlenet, and of course quit the guild. (he joined only a few months ago, at my encouragement to switch servers and raid with us. should've known not to trust him, he’s horde.) he probably blocked my number too, though i haven’t checked because honestly? i don’t really care. i explained this all to my friend who asked me about it and we made fun of him for like half an hour. we had a good laugh about it. very therapeutic. i’m not even upset, i think it’s hilarious that we’re apparently in fifth grade.

#not all of my random personal posts are related #i am actually also super fucked by a crush right now #rip in pieces me #//#////#personal #long post

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movietvtechgeeks · 8 years ago

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Latest story from https://movietvtechgeeks.com/brad-pitts-amazing-national-parks-images-hit-plus-american-idol/

Brad Pitt's amazing national parks images hit plus American Idol

Now that some time has passed since news broke of his impending divorce, actor Brad Pitt is finally opening up about his sudden split from long-time partner Angelina Jolie. As you may remember, people all around the world were left in a state of shock when it was officially announced that Angelina had filed for divorce from Brad. Subsequently, it was revealed that Angelina’s filing was partially prompted by an incident that happened while the Jolie-Pitt family was on an airplane, in which Brad had reportedly gotten physical with their adopted son Maddox. For the latest issue of GQ Style, Brad posed for three different covers, which feature him in various National Parks across America. In addition to the covers, Brad also got surprisingly candid with the publication - particularly about his recent relationship troubles and his decision to quit drinking. Looking back at the time of Angelina’s divorce filing, Brad recounted to GQ, “I was really on my back and chained to a system when Child Services was called. After that, we’ve been able to work together to sort this out. We’re both doing our best. I heard one lawyer say, ‘No one wins in court – it’s just a matter of who gets hurt worse.’ And it seems to be true. You spend a year just focused on building a case to prove your point and why you’re right and why they’re wrong, and it’s just an investment in vitriolic hatred. I just refuse. And fortunately, my partner in this agrees. It’s just very, very jarring for the kids, to suddenly have their family ripped apart.” It has been roughly 8 months since Angelina and Brad officially announced their split and since then Brad has made some major changes in his life. The Benjamin Button actor revealed to the publication that he moved out of his former Hollywood Hills mansion, as it was “too sad” for him to be living there on his own. In discussing his decision to get sober, Brad confessed, “"I can't remember a day since I got out of college when I wasn't boozing or had a spliff, or something. Something. And you realize that a lot of it is, um — cigarettes, you know, pacifiers. And I'm running from feelings. I'm really, really happy to be done with all of that. I mean I stopped everything except boozing when I started my family. But even this last year, you know—things I wasn't dealing with. I was boozing too much. It's just become a problem. And I'm really happy it's been half a year now, which is bittersweet, but I've got my feelings in my fingertips again. I think that's part of the human challenge: You either deny them all of your life or you answer them and evolve." Below is an excerpt from the indepth interview with Brad Pitt.

Let's go back to the start. What was it like growing up where you grew up? Brad Pitt: Well, it was Springfield, Missouri, which is a big place now, but we grew up surrounded by cornfields—which is weird because we always had canned vegetables. I never could figure that one out! Anyway, ten minutes outside of town, you start getting into forests and rivers and the Ozark Mountains. Stunning country.

Did you have a Huck Finn boyhood? Half the time. Half the time, yeah.

How so? I grew up in caves. We had a lot of caves, fantastic caverns. And we grew up First Baptist, which is the cleaner, stricter, by-the-book Christianity. Then, when I was in high school, my folks jumped to a more charismatic movement, which got into speaking in tongues and raising your hands and some goofy-ass shit.

So were you there for speaking in tongues? Yeah, come on. I'm not even an actor yet, but I know… I mean the people, I know they believe it. I know they're releasing something. God, we're complicated. We're complicated creatures.

So acting came out of what you saw in these revival meetings? Well, people act out. But as a kid, I was certainly drawn to stories—beyond the stories that we were living and knew, stories with different points of view. And I found those stories in film, especially. Different cultures and lives so foreign to mine. I think that was one of the draws that propelled me into film. I didn't know how to articulate stories. I'm certainly not a good orator, sitting here telling a story, but I could foster them in film.

I remember going to a few concerts, even though we were told rock shows are the Devil, basically. Our parents let us go; they weren't neo about it. But I realized that the reverie and the joy and exuberance, even the aggression, I was feeling at the rock show was the same thing at the revival. One is Jimmy Swaggart and one is Jerry Lee Lewis, you know? One's God and one's Devil. But it's the same thing. It felt like we were being manipulated. What was clear to me was “You don't know what you're talking about—”

And it didn't fuck you up? No, it didn't fuck me up—it just led to some eating questions at a young age.

Have you ever felt the need to be more political? I can help in other ways. I can help by getting movies out with certain messages. I've got to be moved by something—I can't fake it. I grew up with that Ozarkian mistrust of politics to begin with, so I just do better building a house for someone in New Orleans or getting certain movies to the screen that might not get made otherwise.

You're good at playing that kind of character, the one that doesn't have a truly accurate vision of himself. It makes me laugh. Any of my foibles are born from my own hubris. Always, always. Anytime. I famously step in shit—at least for me it seems pretty epic. I often wind up with a smelly foot in my mouth. I often say the wrong thing, often in the wrong place and time. Often. In my own private Idaho, it's funny as shit. I don't have that gift. I'm better speaking in some other art form. I'm trying to get better. I'm really trying to get better.

And the movie really pokes at this, too, right—America's hubris? When I get in trouble it's because of my hubris. When America gets in trouble it's because of our hubris. We think we know better, and this idea of American exceptionalism—I think we're exceptional in many ways, I do, but we can't force it on others. We shouldn't think we can. How do we show American exceptionalism? By example. It's the same as being a good father. By exemplifying our tenets and our beliefs, freedom and choice and not closing borders and being protectionists. But that's another issue. You want me to tell you something really sad? I thought this was so sad. We were looking at—let me say, a certain war film that was looking to promote itself. The European posters had the American flag in the background, and it came back from the marketing department: “Remove the flag. It's not a good sell here.” I was, like, Man, that's America. That's what we've done to our brand.

You've played characters in pain. What is pain, emotional and physical? Yeah, I'm kind of done playing those. I think it was more pain tourism. It was still an avoidance in some way. I've never heard anyone laugh bigger than an African mother who's lost nine family members. What is that? I just got R&B for the first time. R&B comes from great pain, but it's a celebration. To me, it's embracing what's left. It's that African woman being able to laugh much more boisterously than I've ever been able to.

Do you think if the past six months hadn't happened you'd be in this place eventually? That it would have caught up with you? I think it would have come knocking, no matter what.

People call it a midlife crisis, but this isn't the same— No, this isn't that. I interpret a midlife crisis as a fear of growing old and fear of dying, you know, going out and buying a Lamborghini. [pause] Actually—they've been looking pretty good to me lately! [laughs]

There might be a few Lamborghinis in your future! “I do have a Ford GT,” he says quietly. [laughs] I do remember a few spots along the road where I've become absolutely tired of myself. And this is a big one. These moments have always been a huge generator for change. And I'm quite grateful for it. But me, personally, I can't remember a day since I got out of college when I wasn't boozing or had a spliff, or something. Something. And you realize that a lot of it is, um—cigarettes, you know, pacifiers. And I'm running from feelings. I'm really, really happy to be done with all of that. I mean I stopped everything except boozing when I started my family. But even this last year, you know—things I wasn't dealing with. I was boozing too much. It's just become a problem. And I'm really happy it's been half a year now, which is bittersweet, but I've got my feelings in my fingertips again. I think that's part of the human challenge: You either deny them all of your life or you answer them and evolve.

Was it hard to stop smoking pot? No. Back in my stoner days, I wanted to smoke a joint with Jack and Snoop and Willie. You know, when you're a stoner, you get these really stupid ideas. Well, I don't want to indict the others, but I haven't made it to Willie yet.

I'm sure he's out there on a bus somewhere waiting for you. How about alcohol—you don't miss it? I mean, we have a winery. I enjoy wine very, very much, but I just ran it to the ground. I had to step away for a minute. And truthfully I could drink a Russian under the table with his own vodka. I was a professional. I was good.

So how do you just drop it like that? Don't want to live that way anymore.

What do you replace it with? Cranberry juice and fizzy water. I've got the cleanest urinary tract in all of L.A., I guarantee you! But the terrible thing is I tend to run things into the ground. That's why I've got to make something so calamitous. I've got to run it off a cliff.

Do you think that's a thing? I do it with everything, yeah. I exhaust it, and then I walk away. I've always looked at things in seasons, compartmentalized them, I guess, seasons or semesters or tenures or…

Really? So, this is the season of me getting my drink on.… [laughs] Yeah, it's that stupid. “This is my Sid and Nancy season.” I remember that one when I first got out to L.A. It got titled afterwards.

So then, you stop yourself, but how do you—I don't know why this comes to mind but I think of a house—how do you renovate yourself? Yeah, you start by removing all the decor and decorations, I think. You get down to the structure. Wow, we are in some big metaphor here now.… [laughs]

If you can believe it…American Idol might be returning to your television screen sooner rather than later. The show, after 15 seasons, came to an end back in 2016. While it was initially believed that the reality singing competition had run its course and was permanently going off the air, it now appears as though it will be returning after just a brief hiatus. According to media outlet TMZ, TV networks FOX, NBC and ABC are all in talks to host a reboot of the show. The outlet also revealed that ABC is very serious about winning the rights to the show, as they are hoping to debut a brand new season early next year (2018). Earlier this week, ABC TV personality Kelly Ripa announced that former American Idol host Ryan Seacrest would be joining as her co-host on her daily morning show Live with Kelly. This makes ABC’s interest in taking over American Idol even more interesting, as they now have Ryan Seacrest on-hand to potentially return to his AI hosting gig. Although American Idol’s viewership ratings dropped drastically during the last few seasons, it looks as though TV executives are not ready to completely give up on the show just yet.

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#American Idol #Angelina Jolie #Brad Pitt #Featured #Ryan Seacrest

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