#for all its faults so far and the worse faults i probably havent seen yet. code vein is still fun regardless

[lecliss]

Wifi is out cuz cox sucks so I have to take photos rather than share screenshots BUT in Code Vein if you sit on the couch long enough your MC falls asleep!!!!

And even better, if you continue to sit there long enough, they literally lay down!!!!

PLEASE THIS IS SO CUTE!!!! Everything I hear about Code Vein is that its a bad game but criticism be damned. If a game let's you do this it's a good fucking game no matter what.

[omegawolverine]

I love it when people talk about things they're passionate about, tell me something cool!! Anything you want, just something you find interesting or want to talk about :D

hello anon my beloved, I am in a bad mood so you will be receiving a passionate, yet lowkey of pissy rant about why villainizing bakugou makes me wanna vomit and its NOT just because I'm a dumbass kinnie :)

tws: child abuse (emotional and physical), near death expierences, bullying, kidnapping, suffocation, lots of trauma in general tbh. if you've seen bnha then basically just keep all the general triggering plot stuff in mind incase i missed any warnings

also, note: I havent caught up on bnha in a minute, I'm at like the start of the war arc but I barely remember shit there tbh so like. probs missing new stuff. also bnha spoiler warnings lol

so, for starters, the homie bakugou has like,, a good handful of issues that come from his childhood that explain why he's an ass. he was always praised and never actually reprimanded for being a twat which led to him having a huge ego that ended up fucking him over majorly. this ego was something that his mother acknowledged him having, but literally didnt try to fix it with anything other than violence. see here:

like, instead of trying to help him, she hits and insults him, which is probably what led to his weird inferiority/superiority complex. being constantly told by others that you're outstanding and one day you'll be a top hero because you're rude and aggressive and then going home and being hit by your mother for those exact same behaviors is bound to fucking confuse a child.

so like, now that we've established that its definetly canon that his mother (parents? I think he said parents at some point but masaru doesn't seem like the type so 🤷) hits him though we don't know how much or how often (though if bakugou was as much of a little shit back then ((which as far as we've seen- he was)) then it was probably often), lets talk about how regardless of all that 1) hitting your kids as "discipline" not only doesn't work but is abusive lol like idc if it's spanking/popping them on the mouth for talking shit, slapping them across the face "on occasion", etc. shits not okay 2) hitting your kids!!!! does not work!!!!!!!! it is literally PROVEN not to work!!!!!!!! hitting a child who has done something wrong doesnt teach them to stop doing something it teaches them to be scared of you, which will cause the child to withdraw, removing part of their support system (assuming said abusive parents would even offer that up) and will most likely lead to them thinking they're a bad person, not that their actions were bad, which are two different things. so, ya know, that would clearly have an effect on a kid. like, as someone with a mother who reminds me all too much of mitsuki: I have acted like a complete shitbag and taken my anger out on people to feel better in the past because of the way my mother treated me. though it was nowhere near what bakugou did, I still know first fucking hand what a mother hitting and insulting her child will do, especially if they have no proper outlet for that (friends, a safe place to vent) which bakugou never fucking had.

theres also the fact that just talking to your kid the way mitsuki does (saying it's his fault he was kidnapped because he's weak, all while hitting him) is not??? okay?????? ive seen people arguing that this was just a joke in poor taste but like her son was KIDNAPPED and even if it was a "joke" there's literally NO WAY that would EVER?? BE FUNNY??????? she just sounds like the kind of parent who at the very least says shit without thinking that would traumatize bakugou (because being told right after being kidnapped it's your fucking fault by your mother is absolutely traumatizing) but it comes across as her being emotionally abusive.

mitsukis character as a whole comes across as a shitty mom who doesn't realize she's a shitty mom and thinks bakugou being an ass isn't at least partially her fault even though she's admitted to realizing he has always had an ego problem and doing nothing to fix it except for hitting and yelling which obviously did nothing but make him just as loud and violent as she is.

this is obviously not the entire reason why he's a dick but he was never properly taught that the shit he was doing wasn't okay and people not stopping it and/or praising him endlessly even tho he was a bully is basically the same as encouraging it, thank you very much.

moving on from that, let's talk about bakugous other traumas and how he naturally responds to them. hint: it's with either full blown panic or a fight response (verbal or physical, though usually physical. also sometimes it's the panic followed by the fight response.)

so far in bnha (keep in mind that I am not caught up, I've only read up to the beginning of the war arc and i barely remember those bits so) bakugou has...

nearly died via sludge villain (he was unable to move and was being suffocated to death- keep this in mind)

lost for the first time ever and against deku of all people (this nearly sent him into a full blown panic attack, likely because of that sexy little inferiority/superiority complex combo. think of this as like. gifted kid burnout lite. he has always been the best of the best and now suddenly he is being beaten by somebody who has always been weaker than him, which immediately makes him start thinking he was never actually that good, he's actually a fucking failure, a goddamn fraud)

won the sports festival by default (bakugou counts this as yet another failure because todoroki didnt try his best. had bakugou lost to todoroki full strength, he would've taken 2nd place with a bit of bitching, but he still wouldve taken it rather than refuse the medal as it would be a reminder that he failed. instead of accepting that like UA shouldve, the staff chained and muzzled him on live television and then had all might, his fucking idol, force the medal into his mouth. remember the sludge villain incident and how he couldnt move and was suffocating to death? yeah.)

been kidnapped because of the way he reacted to winning during the sports festival (he was aggressive and tried to refuse the medal because he felt he didnt deserve it and was then retraumatized by being chained up and muzzled. his "villainous attitude" was a fucking trauma response, do not tell me otherwise)

was then chained up once again by the LOV after being kidnapped,,, do we see the "retraumatize bkg" theme yet?

"ended all might" (he literally blames himself for all mights retirement because had he just not have been weak, all might wouldve had more time, right?)

my point with all of these is that bakugou has been severely traumatized and has then had his trauma responses (aggression, fight) used to further demonize him. not all people with trauma react the fucking same and the way the fandom just refuses to acknowledge anger as a valid form of trauma response is gross as hell.

moving away from that topic, bakugou has literally never had any actual friends, they all just used him and didn't care about him which absolutely will fuck up a kid, especially one who already has all that other shit going on. bakugou deadass never had a support system or people to help him grow as a person, let alone properly work through his fucking emotions so it's not surprising that he would take out his bullshit on the one person who tried to help him especially considering he saw dekus actions as him thinking he was weak. bakugou was raised to not seek help, he thought somebody strong shouldnt ever need it, so for somebody like deku (who bakugou percieved as weak and helpless already) to offer up help? deku must obviously think bakugou is even weaker than him, what other explanation could their possibly be!

speaking of which, there's his heaps of insecurities that he basically hid by being a twat and bullying others for most of his life. kid was so insecure he bullied deku for fucking years cause he thought deku looked down on him, thought he was better than him, etc. and that only got worse bc his idol then decided to take deku in, train him and even give him his quirk. there's probably some shit im missing but still he's got issues and always has had issues. that being said, he's actually improving and working them out now which is what makes him a really good, interesting character. it's also nice to see a character who is a dick without some tragic backstory (like his backstory is sad but its not the classic "my family was fucking slaughtered and i turned into a raging bitch who murders people" type shit) bc that rarely happens and it's like most assholes don't actually have a story like that they're just assholes lol

now lets talk improvement! lil bitch has been getting better since he got into UA and im so happy abt it!! he had a rough start what with deku suddenly having a quirk and all but like he is really improving now and it highkey shows that bakugou just mostly needed people who 1) didn't constantly praise him and actually criticized him instead 2) actually fucking punished him doing stupid shit and 3) some motherfucking friends

Since going to UA he's gotten actually feedback from teachers about his weaknesses and how to get stronger, he's lost against others, hes been told he has a shit attitude and is a dick, told he should be nicer and leave deku alone, etc etc. He hasn't gotten in trouble too much with teachers but others give him shit for what he does and aizawa has punished him too, while still acknowledging that bakugou is an amazing and dedicated student, something which no one else had done up til that point. and uh???? homie actually has friends who like,,, don't use him and also call him out when he's a dick. like specifically kirishima has done this shit and him and bakugous relationship is clearly very healthy and beneficial for the both of them. makes me feel all happy n shit, ya know

bottom line is: while it is absolutely valid to dislike or even hate bakugou because he is a massively flawed person who has been very cruel to others, villainizing him for the way he acts which in large part seems to be from a lack of guidance, a shitty mother and heavy amounts of trauma, is fucking awful. his actions cannot be fucking excused, he needs to apologize and continue to grow, but he is also a fucking teenager, who is just now being told that the way he acts is unacceptable by people who dont fucking abuse him (and I swear to god if any people who think mitsuki isnt abusive interact with this fucking post I will fullstop hardblock you, I do not fucking care) and actually treat him like a normal person instead of some prodigy child or someone who needs to be fixed.

people are free to debate my points or whatever bc I know some of this stuff is up to interpretation but like. dni if you're just here to say you hate bakugou for xyz reason or that he's irredeemable. also especially dni if you compare him to fucking endeavor yall bitches make me gag.

anyways thxs for the ask anon <33 sorry this is a kinda messy info dump lol

[ocsideblog]

massive liminal infodump

  november knows basically nothing about her mom's family. she won't talk about it, determined to avoid or change the subect when it's mentioned. all november knows is that her mom left home when she was about 18 and hasn't spoken to her family since. the only information november has to go off is an old polaroid of what she can only assume is her mom's family, and an even older book. she found these items in the attic when she was about six. her mom wouldn't talk about the photo, and had no explanation for the book - probably an old halloween decoration or something, it's not in any real language. november gets the book to play with if she wants it.

  november, now a 20 year old photography student, and her 14 year old brother noel, are on a train to the town of Limbo to finally meet and stay with their mom's family - their aunt, uncle, and cousins. she is determined to know about them and to find out what caused her mother to become estranged.

  upon arriving in the small town, november learns that one of her cousins, julie, had gone missing at the beginning of the year. another girl named cassidy schaerer, daughter of the editor of the town's weekly newspaper, had also gone missing around the same time. the two girls were best friends, and julie's car had gone missing as well, so people just thought they ran away. her father thinks this is most likely, complaining that julie has always been rebellious. her sister, adelaide, doesn't think it's that simple - she keeps these thoughts to herself, however, because she needs to be the 'perfect daughter' and not disappoint her dad. cassidy's father thinks something is up as well, but he isn't so quiet about it.

  over the year november learns from mr. schaerer, who becomes like a father figure, that people have gone missing before. it's simply covered up, he says, because the town does not want to seem unsafe, and they have enough problems as it is. the town is dying out - young people often move away, there aren't that many jobs around, and the future doesn't look promising for small town life here.

  as the year goes on, november's grip on reality is also tested. while on the train, november had a nightmare - driving down some back road, a deer in the middle of the road, swerving to avoid hitting it, crashing - which becomes recurring, getting more frequent and more vivid as the year goes on. along with the nightmares, she begins hallucinating - mildly and rarely at first, but getting worse as time goes on. images of decay haunt her. she also feels a strange connection with her cousin julie, although she doesn't know why - maybe it's because some people said they're alike in some ways.

                                                    - - - - -

  ok so november and noel are siblings, and they arrive in the town of limbo to stay with some family members theyve never met before - their aunt, uncle, and cousins. when they get there, they find out one of their cousins - julie - has gone missing, along with her best friend whos a girl named cassidy. cassidy is the daughter of the man who runs the town's weekly newspaper. people view him as sort of paranoid and determined to think the worst when CLEARLY the girls just ran away. he doesn't get along well with the mayor of the town, john brennan.

  john brennan really wants the town to get big someday, have a mall and eventually expand and put the town on the map. he wants to feel important. he has a wife named mary and a six year old son named charlie.

  november's super curious to a fault, so like. kinda really nosy. she NEEDS to know everything and WILL investigate. and she feels a weird attachment to her missing cousin so she becomes like... determined to figure out what happened. her cousin adelaide - the Perfect Daughter whos secretly gay and dating another girl named jane - confides that she also doesnt think julie ran away, but cant say so to her father who'd get mad at her for being a conspiracy theorist.

  november also becomes close with mr. schaerer, the town's newspaper guy, who becomes like a father figure to november and comments about how shes got some stuff in common with julie, who had also been like a daughter to him because she was best friends with his daughter and because julie's dad is this strict conservative type and thought she was a disappointment so he wasn't all that nice to her.

  the town's in trouble - a lot of older conservative types frightened by progress, a lot of industry and stuff that'd die out with modernization, crops aren't doing as well, young people moving away, etc.

  there's a priest named father alonso brennan - he's the mayor's half brother - who seems kinda guilty, like he's hiding something.

  november gets these recurring nightmares of a car crash, and sometimes hallucinates that things are old and decaying or hallucinates people looking deadish and stuff. when she tries to talk about this to most people, they think shes crazy, and since its 1983 and her aunt and uncle - mostly her uncle - are conservative types, theres a lot of stigma surrounding mental illness.

  mary brennan kinda tries to bond with her, try to get her involved with the town and stuff, at the suggestion of november's aunt, hoping that'll distract her from being like this.

  also november works at an antique and curiosity shop for antioch, whos this sort of eccentric weird guy who supposedly moved to town after retiring early because he had money so now he's chilling. she doesn't get paid because she's working off a debt - noel accidentally broke a skull while goofing around when they were just checking out the different stores, and november offered to work off the debt so noel wouldn't have to, since neither of them had money.

  it turns out father brennan DID know something. he had seen john and mary brennan burying a body out in the woods on january first sometime between midnight and 3am - cassidy's body. they had told him they hit her in a car accident, because they'd been driving drunk, and were trying to cover it up because they were scared and still drunk and afraid it'd hurt their lives and careers and stuff since john brennan's the mayor. alonso kept the secret because he was always close with his brother, and didnt want to ruin his life, but the guilt is eating him alive because he's generally an honest person but his honesty and his loyalty are in conflict. sometime around october he arranges to meet up with mr schaerer and tell him the truth about his daughter.

  the next day, schaerer is found dead in the woods. the local police say it was a suicide. november doesn't believe this. she confronts the priest, knowing he was one of the last people to talk to her, thinking maybe he found something out somehow - priests hear a lot in confession after all. he tells her about knowing cassidy was buried in the woods, and how she was killed in a drunk driving accident, near where schaerer died - he also genuinely thinks it was a suicide, out of grief for his daughter. he won't mention who did it, using the confession thing as an excuse, his values are still in conflict.

  november sneaks out in the middle of the night to go to that place in the woods and search for her body, see how much of this is true. after digging, she finds remains that are decayed WAY past what they should be. there's also nothing to indicate a car accident, the skeleton isn't broken as far as she can see, and there's a weird rusted ritualistic dagger in the grave, and some weird symbols that look kinda familiar but she can't place them at the moment (hint its the book from the attic)

  shes not sure if shes hallucinating or not, and she doesnt know who to trust at this point. she comes back to the grave later that day with someone (i havent 100% decided who yet) but they like. don't find anything, like the grave never existed. this doesn't make november look any more mentally stable.

  as new years eve approaches, the moon family - including november - are invited to the brennans' new years party. mary offers november an old dress to borrow since she doesn't really have any, and her cousins dont have the same size as her, the dress doesn't fit mary brennan anymore anyway, she owned it when she was younger, wore it on her wedding years ago. at some point during the party, after eating or drinking something which was handed to her, november doesn't feel so great. she passes out.

  she wakes up, hands tied behind her back to like. a pillar or tree trunk or something. there are six others also tied up the same way, in a circle. to her horror, she realizes noel is one of them. next to each of them stands someone from town - 7 people in total, including john brennan and her own uncle. mary brennan stands beside her. they're doing some sort of ritual. november thinks this must be another hallucination or nightmare. it has to be, right? there's no way this is happening. she's forced to watch as one by one the other people are sacrificed - including noel. this can't be happening. this can't be real. she can't do anything to save noel.

  november was saved for last as a special offering. mary brennan tells her that she is a Special sacrifice, that she believes Death has grown fond of her, so mary is offering this girl as a special sacrifice in an attempt to earn his favor in apology for having lost the book, which her ancestor stole a long time ago. she's the only one in the cult who has actually seen and been in communication with Death, and is also the only one to know this year has been repeating. she's hoping for the loop to end, and the town and everyone in it to be allowed to exist forever immortally.

  she finishes the ritual, calling forth Death to claim this sacrifice. november can't see properly, between tears and it being dark outside and - this feeling like she's slipping out of reality, dying? falling asleep? about to hallucinate again? or emerge from the hallucination? she isn't sure and it terrifies her. the figure approaching out of the woods looks somewhat familiar,but different. antioch, from the curiosity shop. his hair's down though, and something about him isnt..... right. the vibe in the area has changed dramatically, feelings of dread that are hard to describe. she calls out to him for help anyway, but receives no response. he ignores her, approaching mary brennan. says something to mary brennan about not being forgiven, better luck next year, and mary brennan begins throwing up blood and slumps to the ground.  he - whatever sort of entity he is - moves closer to november. says something to her. she feels a sharp pain in her chest. he's carving something with his nail, which is like a claw. he's also telling her to give in and let go already, that she should have done so long ago, shes far too stubborn and foolish, shes still resisting whatever this weird sensation of slipping away is. she vaguely notices, between the pain and the weird feeling, that her surroundings and the people in the area seem to be decaying. this has to be a hallucination. it has to. she lets go, thinks shes closing her eyes........

  but is actually opening them. weak sunlight filters through a smashed window through the trees overhead. a dream. it wasn't real. she looks around. it turns out that what was real was the car crash, and all that had been some sort of coma dream. she begins to get up, to become aware of her surroundings, her injuries,   noel.

  she looks over and he's there, he's worse than her injury wise. he isn't breathing. she tries to wake him. he won't wake up. he's gone. it's too late. she feels horrible. this is her fault. if she hadn't been so curious. she digs through her bag, looking for her phone. her stupid book from the attic is there. she feels stupid. her curiosity about some stupid halloween prop and about her mom's past, which was probably mundane and some sort of argument, got her brother killed. she finds her phone at the bottom of the bag. a little cracked but it turns on. no signal though. she starts walking toward the road and follows it, searching for a signal. she has to call her mom. she has to let her know what happened, to confess that it's her fault.

  as she's walking, she realizes her chest stings worse than her other wounds. she looks under her shirt at it. the sigil thing from her nightmare. it can't be. it has to be some sort of coincidence. it doesn't look like a normal wound, somewhere between a scar and a tattoo, turning black, but also bleeding a bit still, she brushes this off as being not all there and being shaken up. she just found out her brother died, of course she's not going to be all that mentally stable. she keeps walking. she gets a signal, weak. she calls her mom. keeps trying. finally gets an answer.

  she tells her mom everything - they'd set out to go on a road trip and find out about their mom's family. it was her fault noel died, if she refused to take him. she swerved to hit a deer. her fault. her mom blamed herself, for not telling them about her past and for being so dodgy about it. november comes to the outskirts of an overgrown ghost town as she's walking to get a better signal. completely abandoned, decaying, familiar. she fears what her mom's going to tell her. that her sister overheard her father's plans to sacrifice her, as a part of a cult thing, and she promised her sister she'd leave and never look back, so she did, late 1982. something in november's mind clicks. it's 2015. her mother's name is julie.

[realsmileyclown]

Will Clowns Ever be viewed Favorably again?

I should start off by saying this is only regarding how clowns are viewed by the public in the United States as in other countries the art may/is viewed differently. I have experience where I live so that will be the focus here. Now I know there are lots of people who like clowns but anyone here can tell you those people are the minority and vocal minority as well. Thats not to say the majority dislike clowns but the vocal majority definitly does. Id rather say the actual majority kind of avoids clowns and only if it gets brought up usually just say they dont really like them. This wasn’t always the case though as back when circuses were very popular and a part of american entertainment, nearly on par with sports like baseball, clowns had to be at least in the positive view of the people. This is because clowns have always been the mascot of these circuses from the height of popularity until the recent closing of ringling. We can see both old and modern examples or clowns always being used in PR stunts or on advertisements.

Here we see and old style poster advertising the circus and we see Julia who has ben in many pictures promoting Ringling Brothers. We see that both use clowns. These are important details because if people viewed clowns how they do now back then we wouldn’t expect to see much interest in the circus with those types of promotions. Clearly the circus kept trying to use clowns for PR even after the clowns decline but that clearly didnt work anymore as circus attendance lowered and other reasons led to closings.

There are lots of reasons why clown popularity decreased and i dont want to make this post about that but in short basically media depictions of clowns started to use them as horror symbols to play off the fact that a few people actually had phobias of them.

The point here though is do I think clowns will ever be back to their status of public favor when the circuses were in their prime as well as how could they get there.

First off I do think they have a chance to get back to their old level. I think this because I dont think there is really that much standing in their way. The main difference I see is that back then clowns were part of the circus package and people thought their job was to look weird and act silly to make people laugh. People didnt necessarily like clowns but didnt dislike them. Probably if you asked someone at the circus if they liked them they’d just say yeah are funny but thats it. Now people think they are people whose job is to look strange and act stupid to try and get people to laugh. The difference may seem small but essentially im claiming that the experiences that caused clowns to be viewed unfavorably shifted the people’s perspective to go from thinking clowns had a weird look which made them look funny to instead a strange bizarre look which makes them look off putting or creepy. The same is true for their actions. We know that this is a subtle difference but explains the shift from a slight positive to a slightly more negative view. We also know that this is only a shift in how they view clowns and not the clowns faults due to the fact that clowns havent changed those two things about themselves. If anything on average their makeup got less weird. See the pictures below with an old clown and a new clown and try to tell me the new one looks more creepy than the old one.

Clearly it had everything to do with public perception and not to do with them. Now public views constantly change so i see no reason they cant change back to how they were but it will take the work of lots of clowns to make it happen. This time clowns will also have to work harder as they no longer have ringling brothers to help keep them working and in the public eye.

One of my first suggestions is to stop worrying and complaining about scary media depictions worsening the image and instead focus on ways to improve the image of clowns. Everytime people who like those movies hear clowns complain about movies like “It” they just think worse about clowns and wonder why they cant just let them enjoy their movie. Clowns should take hollywood using their image as a compliment and find a way to make it positive. Clowns should do what they do best and laugh when they see those movies because it really is funny that someone thought they’d take a clown, which is funny and makes people laugh in real life, and make a movie where they are scary instead. Its quite a funny contrast to be scared of something that is funny. Having a positive attitude like this instantly changes its dynamic and now whenever a thing like this comes out clowns can claim it as part of their culture so all the people looking into it are reminded that real clowns are the opposite instead of sore losers who cant have any fun. Clowns have to take jokes not just dish them out. For one i love the joker and harley quinn. I dont think they are bad for clowning as i appreciate seeing clowns become such iconic comic and movie characters.

Now im not saying just let the media get filled with scary clowns. We need to let them have their fun and make fools out of us cause clowns are fools. But we need to make sure for every 1 scary clown picture there are 10 nice ones to counter it. Currently the internet  probably has got as much creepy clowns as it has real clowns. Even just typing clown gets mostly scary results it seems. We need people to see a higher ratio of good clowns to bad ones. This is why I like sharing pictures and why i like taking more of me to help contribute to these numbers. I am waiting to get a nice set up ready for the next time I’m in full makeup so I can do a photoshoot and get tons of pictures to spread of myself to help but for now heres another of me.

Thats only the easy fixes we can make but even with those fixes I feel a significant improvement could be accomplished. The real task now is to get people watching clown performances and laughing. If they enjoy watching clowns then they enjoy clowns. Without the circus we need a new avenue for this as I personally dont think Birthday parties are reliable and parades dont allow for real performances. I dont know who or how this part will be improved but I can almost garentee it will be on the internet. Over the last 2 decades we saw the internet grow from almost nothing into the powerhouse of entertainment. Things like netflix have almost replaced cable. Youtube created whole new careers for film with categories never possible on tv or in theatres. As far as I have seen no clown has truly utilized the internet yet. Most either just make a post on their regular socials of them in makeup, others use it to promote their in person business for parties, or others sell their costumes to other clowns. These are great but what we need is someone to figure out how to revolutionize clowning online as so many other markets did. Using the internet to boost offline business is great but true progress is when the business is online as well.

I wish I knew what it will be that revolutionizes clowning online so I could share it with you. Mainly I wish I knew what it will be so I could do it, ha ha! Until that day comes however we can keep spreading positivity, nice images and trying new things online.

Keep on smiling and keep on clowning!

[literally-just-venting-myself]

My stomach hurts alot so im usually sick a lot, i never really feel good so its hard for me to meet people especially already being so nervous all the time and afraid of normal interaction.

I wonder what happened to me from the brazened fighter of my younger youth but i fear they are long gone now, along with a lot of me.

I know i changed and im not really myself anymore or if i even remembered who i was.

Its scary to imagine or think more about it and i just feel the pit of my stomach grow further with unease, i cant make it stop and its...very unpleasant...i dont want to alarm anyone after all.

Its a sick day for a while now so im probably being emotional but i feel so dizzy all the time and constantly, always so close to throwing up the anticipation is killing me as i just wish ill go already, my skins cold with goosebumps and every walk is followed by a sway and overwhelming sense of nausea.

I dont understand these feelings and i feel unnerved to the upmost degree, i hate it. I want to not care again, it feels like my old pills for depression when the pills gave me emotions but i just felt like crying all the time instead of just being dead. Blank faced....

My eyes keep hurting again im tired and couldn't sleep through the night.

I kept waking up and up and up 3 times because i kept talking to myself in my dreams.

One of me was distorted and glitching and they kept talking to a normal me and my second time it was reversed and reversed again.

I dont know why this happened or why i kept waking up from it but thats what happened and i couldn't sleep.

Im afraid cause usually i never have dreams and to have so many at once if i was a even weaker person ill quite literally piss my pants.

And today i woke up early for no reason when i never wake up early but as soon as i woke up i was tired but the first thing i noticed was something standing at the foot of my bed, i blinked a haze in my eye until i looked again it was a person hanged.

I was so terrified and woke up immediately.

I couldnt go to sleep after that and now my stomach keeps caving in on itself and i feel awfully terrible.

Im scared of my dreams and i havent said yet why.

Because sometimes my dreams come true.

Sure laugh at me its bullshit but i knew things that happened that really shouldn't have happened.

It makes me so scared since all the dreams i did have so far became true.

And im worried that this new one today might be true which really wants me to throw up because you see.

I dont predict my own future but others people future.

...its looked like its been a year or so their hair is longer and they look healthier than they did before.

Things were getting better for them and they thought they were feeling happy again but a sorta relapse happened.

I saw them not crying but looking so dead inside their eyes had the heaviest bags and worse than i ever seen had the most close to dead while alive look.

They looked like hell and then they looked in the mirror it was distorted.

Thet didnt find a rope but some makeshift thing and started tying the loose ends together they knew how somehow and then...they grabbed a chair and went limp.

They stared at one but the wall and they were frozen with their neck bloated and eyes gone they werent there anymore and i never knew.

I was a coward and as soon as they...left i did too leaving everyone behind i self isolated again and didnt want to talk to anyone ever again.

Im so pathetic and turned off everything and close everything.

This is why i dont get attached to people i start having dreams and my dreams are cursed im cursed im evil im disgusting im a freak a monster i basically killed them its my fault i hate myself what the hell did i do they're crying an blaming me its my fault they hate me theyre pointing and staring theyre staring theyre staring.

My...mind slipped a bit...

Sorry...

I should just pass quietly...

Ill start talking less and less in the group chat and then theyll notice me less.

Then i can stop talking at all some days just disappearing at that point because whos going to notice a loner? A drifter...

Then a while of that ill just disappear itll male me seem cold and careless maybe thinking im drifting away to better stuff or too busy doing my own things.

Ill leave them alone for their own safety and then just pass quietly i can do this 2 months tops probably no meaningful conversations or no more of me pestering them to sleep and eat what am i their mother?

Im just a annoying idiot in my mind they know how to care for themselves unlike me.

Yeah...ill just leave no one will notice in gone..they wont and ill be glad with that then they can be happier without me. A disease shouldn't infect more people than it should already.

Later...me

[raywarham-blog]

Liverpool Squad troubles

Mignolet – Been at the club since 2013. Never in my eyes been good enough. Comes across as a decent shot stopper but when you dig deeper that just isnt true. Can’t come for crosses, isnt commanding of his defence and his kicking is comparable to that of a 10 year old on Buckley Hill. Saved a fair few pens as a highlight but overall not good enough, never has been and never will be. The fact Klopp picks him as his number one completely baffles me, as I think it does many fans.

VERDICT - SELL

Karius – People where delighted when he signed. Another sign that fans don’t rate Mignolet. He came in and made some terrible errors. Bournemouth away was a shocker for him, especially so early on. Got a couple of games after that but never looked confident. One of the only keepers I’ve ever seen kick a goal kick out for a corner. As with Mignolet he cant come for crosses and although he looks confident on the ball he has every fans heart in their mouth as he tries to turn every striker rushing at him. What ever happened to just getting rid. Had a couple of cup games here and there inbetween lsoing his place. I think he done well against Southampton in the league cup but chances have been few and far between since. Given the chance again in the Champions League this year but terrible positioning in the Away leg at Moscow highlighted that he probably isnt the answer.

VERDICT – Keep for now but easily repleceable.

Ward – Not seen much of him in a Liverpool shirt to comment. He made an unbelievable save pre season, only for the defence to be asleep and it cost a goal anyway. Ward has had two excellent loan spells at Aberdeen and Brighton. All of the reviews seem to suggest he has the talent to become Liverpool and Wales number one but we all know the pressure that comes with that. Capped a couple of times for Wales and played their first game of the Euros, limited club time probably preventing him getting the number one slot. In my opinion should be given a run of games in the side after both Mignolet and Karius have shown their incompetence on many occasions. Klopp deciding to keep him as a 3rd keeper when he could have been playing for Huddersfield in the Premier League is another truly baffling decision by our manager and won’t have gone down well with Ward I’m sure.

VERDICT - KEEP

Clyne – I was probably one of his biggest critics going into this season, always thought he done okay defensively apart from the odd lapse at the far post but struggled going forward. In the modern game we expect our full backs to be good at both and if they arent we label them as not good enough. In all truth I cant wait for Clyne to return from injury. Never thought I’d see the day I thought that. With our attacking options, especially with Salah playing on the right this season I think Clyne being more reliable defensively will only help us. Less pressure on him to produce in the final third is something I think he will be happy with. We had Glen Johnson who was decent going forward and awful at the back. Clyne is opposite of that in my eyes and I’d prefer it that way. Maybe not good enough if you want to win leagues and go far in champions leagues year on year but for now Clyne is a decent and usually relaiable option.

VERDICT - KEEP

Trent – Youngster with bags and bags of ability, comfortable on the ball and doesn’t lack in confidence. Can deliver a wicked cross and we have already seen he can be deadly from set pieces. Takes a decent corner too, which is something we havent seen at Anfield for a few years. Beating the 1st man has been our achilles heal all too often. Needs a good few pans of Scouse and sessions in the gym to beef up but that will come with age. Signs looks really good for Trent and being a scouser we all want him to do so well.

Only downside for me is his defending. Maybe this is why a lot of people talk about Trent playing further up the field as he matures. Seems to switch off and lose his man a lot and has a tendency to turn his back on crosses. Again this could be down to age and I wouldn’t be too worried about this for now, but if he wants to be starting games he will need to learn this quickly. Gomez has been preferred to him in the bigger games this season and I’d put that down to him being better defensively. Fingers crossed for Trent he seems to have the right character to adapt and learn.

VERDICT - KEEP

Gomez – Looked great when he first came in. I rememebr him playing away to Arsenal and marking Walcott out of the game at left back. Walcott is no world beater but he is pacey and away at Arsenal in a rookie season can be daunting. Suffered two terrible injuries after this and many thought he wouldn’t return to the 1st team at Anfield. Credit to him he’s worked tirelessly at his recovery and is now playing regularly for both England U21’s as captain and Liverpool. Sometimes looks immature in his defending but hasn’t played many games at the top level and when he does its usually at full back when his preferred position is in the cernte of defence. Was great against Man Utd a few weeks back and Lovren’s latest gaff will hopefully provide Gomez with an extended run in his favoured position to show he’s got what it takes to make it.

VERDICT - KEEP

Matip – When we signed he came with a decent enough reputation. Played in the Champions League for Schalke, was a huge figure who likes to play out from the back. In reality he is sluggish, not commanding and for the size of him is bullied all to often both on the floor and in the air. Doesn’t look to have great positional sense and can often be found wondernig back when we are conceding goals. Been a huge disappointment for me, although he did come on a free which is something I guess. Definitely not good enough moving forward, he has been terrible this season and if it wasn’t for Lovren being worse he would be at the centre of fans abuse.

VERDICT - SELL.

Lovren – Hard not to go to town on Lovren here. Completely inadequate and not good enough for Liverpool Football Club. It’s at the point now where although I blame him for errors its not his fault Klopp continues to pick him nor failed to replace him in the summer. He makes mistake after mistake. Again like Matip nowhere near commanding enough for the size he is, often pushed aside.

Has complete lapses in concentration all too often to play at the top top level and his ball playing skills leave a lot to be desired. His passes to the full backs can often be found in the lower centenary. Had problems off the field which have been well documented and can’t have helped his performances. He once got my nephew a ticket for the game so I’ll always know he’s a decent human being and be thankful for that. Can’t see how he has a future with the Reds after his horror show at Wembley though.

VERDICT – SELL

Klavan – Came in knowing he would be 3rd or 4th choice CB. Had a couple of opportunities and played okay on a couple of occasions. Simply not Liverpool standard and no point wasting time evidencing why.

VERDICT – SELL

Moreno – Been at the club from 2014. Feels like 1914. Made a bright start scoring a cracker against Spurs away. Been pretty much downhill from there. Words probably can’t describe how bad his defending has been. Was one of the worst performers in the defeat to Seville in Basle. Dropped last season for Milner a midfielder playing left back yet has been brought back into the fold this season. Another of Klopp’s astounding decisions, how this has happened is beyond me. Many feel that Moreno has performed well this season, I just don’t think he’s been as truly woeful as he usually is. Blessed with blistering pace and it’s a good job because it gets him out of trouble at least twice a game due to his positioning incompetence. He was found closing the goalkeeper down the other week when we conceded away at Hoffenheim. Apparently has an excellent attitude and is clearly a favourable member of the dressing room but as a fan I couldn’t care less how many times he walks his dog on a hover board.

VERDICT – SELL

Robertson – Not seen enough to comment. Performed impressively on the few outings he’s been awarded by Klopp, MOM in one. Not sure if this was a committee signing or Klopp is bedding him in but I can’t understand why he hasn’t played more minutes. Bet he can’t either.

VERDICT - KEEP

Henderson – I’ve always liked Henderson I think he has the right attitude and adores the club. Came with a big(ish) price tag at the time and was a big move for him coming from his boyhood club. Hard one this as I think he is a talented footballer and the fact he’s always been picked by any manager he plays for even England backs this up. But I just don’t see it anymore. I’m not sure if injuries have hampered him, they certainly can’t have helped but he hasn’t lived up to anything near what he promised to be. Became our skipper after Gerrard retired, maybe by default in many eyes. I’m certain now that he’s not the right captain for us moving forward. I think as soon as we sign a commanding centre back they will get the armband or maybe Keita when he arrives.

Henderson isn’t a good enough leader, he is fine shouting abuse at the liner or referee but can often been seen head bowed walking towards the centre spot after conceding. He isn’t strong enough in the tackle when we need him and hasn’t got the ability of a Gerrard or Alonso to dictate the pace of play. Goals are another issue, I know he plays a lot of games as the deep lying midfielder but he simply doesn’t score enough. He threatening to a few seasons back but nothing since. He often snatches at good chances which is a same as he seems technically gifted. Too often sideways or backwards and that chipped cross to the far post is infuriating. Huge shame as like I say I like Henderson and wanted him to prove the doubters wrong, however I just don’t think he has it.

VERDICT – SQUAD PLAYER

Gini – Was a star performer in a relegated Newcastle side. Not sure if this should have been the writing on the wall. Came in and was solid, some really good displays and he bagged us some important goals in big games. City, Arsenal and Chelsea to name a few. Got about the pitch and at times looked like he could keep a ball in a phone box. It all looked good for him in his first season although his away form was a worry. Just a few months later and it’s the complete opposite. Away form is horrendous, carrying on where he left off last season, at times if I was Klopp I wouldn’t even bother naming him in the squad. That’s how bad he has been. For a box to box midfielder not to score away from home for Liverpool in more than a season is nothing short of pathetic in my eyes. We get enough possession and chances for him to have broken his duck. If we had better players or less on the injury table he wouldn’t be in the 11, its that simple. Time will tell for him but on the face of things not one for the future.

VERDICT – SQUAD PLAYER

Can – Where to start. Came over in 2014 as a youngster with huge potential having left Bayern Munich for game time at Leverkusen. Can has been hit and miss, more miss than hit. Played out of position by Rodgers at central defence and sometimes right back and struggled to find his form. Looked at the end of last season like he would kick on and played well in the last few games helping us get 4th. Like Gini and Henderson has struggled massively this term, a decent game against Seville at home his only stand out performance.

He should at 6 foot and a big unit dominate games through his sheer size and strength but too often is found out. Often caught in possession wanting too many touches on the ball and as a number 6 this often leads to attacks baring down on our already woeful defence. Linked with Juve which might suit him as the play in Italy in slower than that of the premier league. Believes his own hype and spends far too much time in front of a mirror to ever to Liverpool’s hard man. Would personally drive him to Turin.

VERDICT – LET GO to JUVE – Maybe leave out until then also. Not helping our cause.

Milner – Came on a free on huge wages. Joke wages if reports are true. Good honest pro, no nonsense and many managers have said you need players like Milner in your squad. He performed to the best of his ability at left back last season and a credit to him for that. However he was shocking for the final 4 months of the season and maybe this is why Klopp tried Moreno again? Been a decent enough signing and will play a part this season as and when called upon. Don’t think he will last beyond next summer as a Reed. Wish him luck.

VERDICT – SELL/RELEASE next Summer.

Coutinho – Another hard one to write. I said I wouldn’t let myself love a player after Torres broke many of our hearts a few years back and not many players have come close. Suarez was close and then this summer Coutinho was also. He’s a magician, a true game changer. One people pay to watch. Fans love him and managers love him. First name on the team sheet and maybe our only world class player.

That being said he won’t be a Liverpool player come next summer and we need to plan our spending well, IF we get the money. After trying to force his way to Barcelona in the summer he’s lost his place in many fans hearts. Rafa rescued him from Inter reserves and we have developed him into a star. He threw all that in our faces this summer and some of his antics where despicable. Never to be forgiven from me.

This season he has got his head down, like Suarez a few years back and has been a star performer again. Scoring or assisting in most games. He does go missing sometimes in games and for weeks on end but the quality is there and this season it’s been more regular than not. Will be greatly missed when he leaves but I won’t spend too much time worrying about it after what he done. Good riddance.

VERDICT – Be gone next summer anyway.

Lallana – Felt he struggled in his first season at Anfield. In and out of the side and had a couple of knocks. Became an automatic choice since then. His energy is vital to our press and winning the ball high up the pitch. He has a great first touch and the way he accepts a ball makes me think he can’t be English. Often overplayed by both club and country and has picked up injuries as a result, halting progress and action this season. We’ve badly missed him in the side. Should score and assist more for a man with his ability and will eventually see him replaced in the side for someone who does. Again great attitude and always leaves it all on the pitch.

VERDICT – KEEP

Firmino – Been a good signing in my opinion although his goal tally now he plays up front is not good enough. Don’t solely blame him for this and I don’t think he’s ever been a goal scorer or a number 9. Work rate is terrific and he is rated highly amongst a lot of Reds fans although doesn’t seem to get much acknowledgement outside of Liverpool. Can be breath-taking but can be frustrating also, something I suppose you get with Brazilians. Loves the club and loves playing for Liverpool. I think he needs to play as a midfielder again to fulfil his maximum potential to Liverpool as playing upfront he will never score us the goals we need.

VERDICT – KEEP

Salah – Been outstanding since signing. A snip in today’s market. Goals and assists galore and a terrific work ethic to boot. We need to add pace to our attack for when Mane is out and he’s provided just that. Looks fit and a fiddle and without tempting fate he’s played a lot of minutes already but seems up to the pace. Had a lot to prove after his Chelsea spell but has gone a long way to proving Mourinho was wrong back then. Terrific addition and hopefully be here a long time.

VERDICT – KEEP

Mane – Again an absolute snip at the price we got him for. Would possibly go for double now. Pace to burn and knows where the net is. Lots of energy and the biggest compliment to pay him is that we don’t look the same side without him, even with Coutinho and Salah. Glides past players after slowing them down. Having a frustrating season with both injury and suspension this term. Hopefully won’t be out too long and can get us firing again as soon as possible. I think we will struggle to keep Mane next summer if we finish outside the top 4.

VERDICT – KEEP

Sturridge – Such a shame. Used to say outside of Aguero he was the best in the league. Injuries have ruined his career, has all the talent in the world but will never be fit enough to show it. Used to be deadly given one chance, seems to have lost this now as well as a yard of pace. I don’t think Klopp has given him a good run of games in fairness to him. Many believe a lot of problems are in his head, unfortunately we may never know. One things for sure is that we won’t have him here beyond next summer to find out. Be astounded if Klopp doesn’t sell next year, on massive wages too.

VERDICT – SELL

Solanke – Too soon to pass judgement on him. Looked okay in his cameo’s. Needs a goal badly for some confidence.

VERDICT – KEEP

Chamberlain – Too early to tell in his Liverpool career. Massively overpriced for 35m and if he wasn’t English I don’t think we would have signed him. Hoping he gets a fair crack of the ship under Klopp, not going to judge before he does.

VERDICT – KEEP

Woodburn – Touted as the next big thing. Head and shoulder above at times at youth level when I’ve watched him. Done brilliantly for Wales in the two qualifiers and is always in the squad. He’s another one I don’t understand why Klopp doesn’t give more minutes too. Even as last sub, he never seems to get on. I know he’s young but so what. Gerrard and Owen were 17 when they started Okaying regularly, Woodburn’s just turned 18 and our midfield isn’t setting the world alight. He been playing more centrally lately so maybe we are bedding him in for that role in the future.

VERDICT – KEEP