#for a show that OPENS TOMORROW NIGHT.
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i feel fucking CRAZY. if yall could send some good vibes out into the universe for me thatd be great bc i think im gonna really need it the next few days lmfao
#so uhh. last night at 6:53pm i ws asked to emergency understudy for a character in a Two Person Play that i had Never Before Even Read.#for a show that OPENS TOMORROW NIGHT.#and so there i was at SEVEN O'CLOCK doing thee COLDEST COLD READ EVER of a show that is in its SECOND TO LAST DRESS REHEARSAL#in the last 20 hours ive learned: a new song; how to swordfight; how to tango; how to BULLFIGHT; & how to dance ''in the style of a beetle''#brother i feel INSANE but if i dont help out theres a chance this show cant go on -- and thats fucking *heartbreaking*#the person im covering for had a medical emergency on wednesday -- but they said theyll be able to come do the final tech rehearsal tonight#so maybe theyll recover enough for tomorrow?? i fucking HOPE so. but. i also know they may push themself too hard too fast and thats worse#in any case. im doing my goddamn fucking best and ill probably (definitely) have to have a script in my hand no matter what but thats not#nearly as big a problem as the show never getting to run#so. HERE WE GO#i dont have a costume that fits i dont have a clue whats gonna happen but fuck if im not going to commit 100% for the other people#whove been working so goddamn hard on it. theyre literally some of my closest friends around rn id do anything in my power to help#and i guess this is whats in my power right now ??? lmao ???#anyway.#bee speaks
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post-drive sketch commissions fulfilled so far! for Cookie Nomie, A. Peake, @azaelyas, viviiyon on twitter, bxby_ashhh on twitter, tsunesama, @trucbiduleschouettes, and Anna.
#commission art#e-sims for gaza#hello! its been a hot minute#I have been. cooking a Lot. such is the nature of lunar new year#but I have. also been racing to finish up some craft stuff due to sudden request from benefactor (mother)#and I was out of hanoi for uhhh two days in total. couldnt open my laptop during those#and also I've finally caught up on sherlock&co.... I. can see something approach in the near future. u must simply excuse me#hope everyones doing well hope theres been good eatin. hope weve been keepin up with helpin out where we can#news are turning in directions that make me hopeful. that have a familiar look I know from our own history#I will keep chippin away at the rest of the queue during the holiday. we gotta do what we can. I'm glad I can help at all#one more day til the year of the dragon. I'll show u guys the stuff I made for lunar new year tomorrow. for now I sleep#have a good night guys! every dragon was once a carp etc
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#currently on the worst road trip of my whole entire life! well. i don't want to jinx it lmao but#today i popped TWO TIRES at once in the middle of the Katy Freeway in Houston TX (the widest highway in the US; 26 lanes btw)#managed to make it over to the shoulder without DYING but then had to sit there for like an hour? and panic called a tow truck because duh#I know how to change a tire but I was – again – sitting on the shoulder of the widest freeway on the continent so#anyway I called a tow; a guy showed up. I assumed it was the tow! turned out it was not. but he helped me put on the spare and then was lik#“follow me to my shop I can do the tires for you” and I was like okay! 👍 but then the ACTUAL tow called me and I realized this was#just a random guy (very nice up to that point but then I got scared about following him to a secondary location?) and so I didn't lmao#I just kept driving and didn't follow him but the guy on the phone was then mad at me because I wasn't where I said I would be because#AGAIN – I thought the original guy WAS the tow company that I called? but anyway guy 2 on the phone was like “YOU OWE ME $200!!!!”#and I said for what? also how would I pay you? and he tried to get me to cash app him lmao?? I didn't. I hung up on him#he called me like 6 more times yelling at me until I finally just blocked his number 💀#however NOW at this point I'm driving on one spare tire and one rapidly-flattening second tire and I still have 3 hours left to get where#I was going for the night and to top it all off I'm in the middle of a city I've only been to one time before? so I manage to get to a hote#like a nice-ish one where I'm like “okay if I get stuck here this won't be the end of the world”#because keep in mind today is a national holiday so basically everything is closed!!!! btw!!!!!#but eventually I'm sitting there and it's literally 100F outside and I remember oh right lol I have car insurance which pays for a tow#(a normal one; not a random one I panic-found on google who calls me screaming at me to cash app him $200)#so anyway I call my insurance and the guy on the phone is very nice and is like “it's okay; we'll have someone to you in 45 min”#and I'm like okay. OKAY. 🙌💪 I am a strong independent woman who is figuring this out and no longer on the side of the highway#but instead in a nice calm neighborhood and all I have to do is wait 45 min and everything will be okay#one hour goes by. I call back. get redirected to the tow company that was dispatched. guy says oh! is my guy not there yet?#I say no. he says okay – I'll have him call you. hangs up.#okay. 20 more min go by. guy finally calls me. says “I'm 20-25 min away” at this point I've been waiting about an hour and a half#I say. okay? okay. 30 more minutes go by. I try to call the guy back. straight to voicemail. three more calls. three more no answers.#I call my insurance back. sit on hold for 15 min. eventually get put through to a different person who's like “okay let me check on him”#get put on hold. eventually she comes back and says “okay he says 15 minutes” I've been waiting over 2 hours at this point. I have to PEE#I just... burst into tears. on the phone with this poor random woman from Geico Insurance. I'm bawling my eyes out.#she was trying to get claim info from me but I'm crying so hard she's like “oh baby no. okay. okay. we can get that from you tomorrow.”#when you cry so hard that even the insurance company is like “you know what we're just going to let this one slide”#anyway guy eventually shows up. he's very nice even though I hate him a little for being so late. he drives me to an OPEN TIRE SHOP
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heya guys how are you doing im dojnf very well thank you hahahsha *collapses into a pit and is seen falling, falling, falling, falling……..*
#bro i got to school at 8:30am and stayed in the theatre doing show stuff until fucking 9:20pm#im going insane everything is shfjs everyone is sick. everyone is tired and delirious. we are a family. people are kissing each other#and getting sick. everyone has kissed max. why? who knows. we have done one full runthough all tech week. i dont know my cues.#opening night is tomorrow.#i still have math homework. and an essay due two days ago i havent startef.#god fuck im gonna zonk out
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God I don't wanna go to therapy tomorrow. Sick of talking about my feelings in a clinical setting. I do enough psychoanalysis just by myself, and now I gotta sit through it with someone else??? Come on.
#speculation nation#i say as if i didnt submit myself to this and am not willingly paying for this to continue#idfk man ive always hated therapy. just kinda kept it going bcus i was so messed up about the whole grief shit#and i guess it's been maybe helpful. i dont know.#SHOULD i mention this tomorrow? i already know it's ass and entirely undeserved#if i did it'd mostly be another source to complain about it. theres really nothing anyone can say to make it better#bc it's bullshit and it already happened. and i already have the objective proof of yet another person losing interest in me.#... i dont know. i feel like it's inevitably going to come up. it's already taken up so much of my thoughts.#my every dream last night stemmed from it all. it was such a fitful night of sleep.#i can only pray that i dont dream about it tonight too. i want a fucking break from it all.#i hope she loses sleep from guilt. i hope she hurts every time she remembers what she did to me.#i hope she comes around tomorrow so she can see the face she kissed and she lied about loving#so she can remember im a person with feelings too. a person who opened up to her. a person who trusted her.#............ okay maybe i should talk about my blatantly vicious retaliatory remarks with my therapist.#i tried to reign it in but Bitch Mode definitely came out earlier today. when it was fresh. and i just wanted to make her Hurt.#i still want that honestly. i want her to truly regret doing this. to be filled with so much guilt for how she chose to do it.#i cant change her feelings. no matter how much i might want to. but i sure as hell can make her regret it.#i feel like im allowed a bit of petty bitchiness after this bullshit. but i also dont like the person i become like this.#anger issues. perhaps i should talk about my anger issues with my therapist.#easier than just rehashing the whole breakup. though i'll probably have to do that some too.#but better to have a goal for it. a direction to focus on. so that it's not just me complaining.#... it still wont be fun. and my ex mentioned coming round an hour after my therapy ends for dropping the shit off.#so Assuming she actually shows up (still not convinced she will after she flaked on me twice)#it's gonna be therapy and then seeing her right after. god it's gonna suck.#i'll try to do some homework maybe. and then maybe see if anyone wants to hang out later tomorrow.#my friends r the real ones. hanging out with me for 7 hours... they traded off between them but still#for 7 hours i was not alone. and that was very nice of them to do.#good things. positives! focusing on the positives. i am a healthy person with a healthy outlook on life. smiles.
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final dress today i'm going to vomit
#<- positive#it's been so long since i was actually excited for opening night... last show i was just miserable#and we had TWO performances and they were on the SAME DAY. sick and twisted#it's okay i'm over it. we open tomorrow!!!! i'm really excited for people to see this tbh....#.txt
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In retrospect: I should've opened up about my problems much earlier. What was the reason I kept it all inside me, as a secret? Yes I thought it would all go away over the time- but I noticed my lows & highs went more extreme and I was/ & am still seriously scared of depression itself
depression (also in combination with addiction) is the worst that can happen to you and it's not cool to use it as an empty or... funny (?) word. A depression goes so deep into you that its not the case that you simply close your eyes & forget. It's Not a personality disorder, it's a wound. So that was off topic :/
I wanted to say I recently got really scared to drift into a depression so I finally allowed myself to let out all my feelings/thoughts & cry in front of my family and friends and this seriously feels like a weight has fallen off my shoulders
#tomorrow I'll post some videos from a YT channel that shows how deep depression/addiction can go#these showed me it's much more serious than people make it look#btw my mom helped me a lot. shes better than a therapist#people should open up to their family first and then worry about themselves#I wished I would have done this earlier#why am I so introverted 😭#random mind#late night posting#neurodivergent#I'm really sorry for all the latest negative rant posts
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going to a comedy open mic tomorrow mostly to watch my friends (it's at a cool venue that my improv troupe performs at once a month and a few improv troupe friends are doing standup there) but when these friends were asking if i'd be interested in coming they were like "btw there's usually a ton of open spots on show days if YOU want to do something... and they're not strict about it only being standup either, people have done character pieces and sketches etc like they embrace the weirdness... and they're not strict about time limits you could probably do anything between three and eight minutes... sometimes if there's not enough people signed up they'll even let you go twice..." and i'm like god damn it i thought i was gonna take a break from aubrey but this setup is like tailor made for an aubrey appearance lmao
#still on the fence about it bc the burnout i experienced at the beginning of may extended to aubrey#especially bc so much of my aubrey stuff is comedy about gender and my brain was more in ''set everything on fire'' mode#and i think i've gotten to a good place with that burnout but i still haven't worked on any aubrey stuff since i got home from college#but even still even tho my mental health is better than it was a few weeks ago#recently i have had this horrible insomnia where i haven't been able to fall asleep at night in over a week#(i've made up for it with naps but still i am not mentally 100% rn. i've tried so many things and nothing has worked.)#so that's my justification for *not* doing aubrey tomorrow. however.#i reeeally need to get more performance experience bc there's only so much you can develop a sketch character without performing them#and this venue is so good. it's an art gallery like an hour away that's designed to be part gallery and part performance venue#especially for comedy. like the venue owner is this veteran comedian who used to work with bobcat goldthwait and a lot of other big names#and it's a low-pressure environment bc everyone there has seen me do comedy before with my improv troupe#but they still haven't seen me do aubrey at all so it's bringing a new side of my comedy to some of my main collaborators#like this is so much better than my previous aubrey performances bc they were all either#1. shows in CLASSROOMS with a bunch of my classmates who generally don't get my comedy (very clique-ish)#or 2. a guest spot on a show at a coffee shop where everyone knew each other except me#plus the biggest thing for me is the lack of a strict time limit. like as much as having a good 3-minute monologue can be#i think aubrey is a character you need to get to know a bit longer than 3 minutes. and a lot of my stuff is long while also being very tigh#like not every monologue is like this but my best aubrey monologues are almost like aubrey is telling you a sitcom storyline#and removing too many lines makes the whole narrative jenga tower fall over#and as much as i want to figure out how to make every monologue a good starting point#having the chance to perform multiple monologues if i get to go twice so that they can build off each other would be perfect#idk i'm not sure how often the open mics are there. at least monthly tho i might be missing next month's depending on when i'm in toronto#so like this wouldn't really be my only chance. but yeah i'm on the fence about whether to bring aubrey back for a performance tomorrow#i probably wouldn't do new material. i'd do the 5 minute version of my uncle reg monologue bc it's the one that's worked best so far#and if i get to do multiple. maybe i'd do the ''nom de plum'' monologue bc i think it's also very strong#and it has a good callback to uncle reg#but idk i also think doing the song would be very fun and on-theme since it's pride month and the song is a satire of rainbow capitalism#tho i'd probably have to rework the monologue that leads into the song bc even tho i loved the concept i don't think i articulated it well#or i could write an entirely different lead-in and make the previous monologue (''C/H/M'') a separate thing to revise later#which would probably go better and somehow be less work to write. but even so i don't know what the venue's sound setup is
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One of those texts I kind of need to sit on before I decide how I'm going to word it.
I never know how to start these, but I always have an idea on what to say. Your opinion of me actually matters a lot & the implication that you believe that I lie to you or I'm not doing enough is kinda hurtful. It comes across to me like my effort is worthless to you & that what I want doesn't matter at all. I wouldn't bring it up if I didn't think you cared, and I know you're going through a lot and shouldn't have to worry about me, but I'm getting mixed signals that are really throwing me off. What do you want from me? Am I asking too much of you and you don't know how to tell me? I sincerely want to be there for you, regardless of what it looks like to get to that point, but if you don't want me there you can tell me! What you want matters just as much, if not more, to me. I'm not the kind of person to be hostile about things if they don't work out. I don't want to be another source of stress or negativity for you, and I don't want you to be afraid of being honest with me. I constantly question if you're just too nice to tell me you aren't interested anymore, and even if you are, I might need more reassurance than you can give me because I don't think I'm very worth it to anyone for anything. If you don't think I'm trying hard enough then tell me what I need to do to change that! I'm at the point of just not knowing what I bring to your life, if anything at all. You don't need to deal with me on top of everything else, so, I'm sorry for this. Even if you don't text me back I'll feel better once I get it out there. The only thing I've ever been afraid of is not communicating exactly how much I care about you & how much you mean to me - even if it doesn't matter to you, or you don't believe me. If there comes a day where we aren't in each other's lives anymore for whatever reason, I don't want either of us to question what could've been said or done differently or regret not doing more.
#I'm gonna sleep on this one. This could be a Monday night text. Or tomorrow#I'll refine this better. I think it's important to stress the whole Gemini factor here#REALLY mixed signals. If you want me to go just say it#I don't have time for the bait and switch yknow#I don't even think he's aware. Micheal said it pretty straight up and I know he's probably right#But I will be goddamned if I don't give it my best and most honest shot.#I think about Sean a lot sometimes and how much I miss him. It could make me cry#I never got the chance to tell him anything. To show him I made it#He will NEVER get here. He will always be stuck when and where and how he died and that fucking kills me#That pain and raw grief are what keep me going at this point.... he will never experience life after that moment in time#And I am so scared that the same thing will happen to my s/o and he will walk into it with eyes open#And I can't communicate that fear to him. That profound sadness. Watching a movie over and over and hate the ending#It's *hard*. How many times can I watch it happen? How many times will it keep happening? Take my fucking revolution or whatever#I woke up angry today and im committed to being empty and full of resentment I think#I just want to talk to Sean. He would say the same thing micheal did I bet.#God I really miss him huh. Crying and shit or whatever. I don't have time for this#Sean would laugh at me for crying over some hot guy who I am clearly the side girl to#Lmao I would laugh too. Yeah. Get it together.#It's just another relapse so relax sit back and take a deep breath......
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went dancing tonight and will be going dancing again tomorrow :-)
#i LOVE to do things every single day all the time for real fo real#Me and my dad went dancing to rockabilly tonight and multiple random strangers complimented our dancing#Tomorrow I'm going to some electronic show with a person I met two weeks ago hopefully it's good electronic music lol!#Also before we went out we watched Duel and my dad cracked open a beer meanwhile I poured myself a big ol glass of chocolate milk lol I lov#Friday night#Also there is literally an intro to auto mechanics class in the spring at a nearby community college I'm considering signing up for lol
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doing this to you btw
#hellow I am DRUNK#saw a friend I haven’t seen in so long#going to a drag show tomorrow night!!#and the dance club in my#town just opened up again!!#Big Thing Are Coming#as they say 🙏#I hope everyone is having a good night MWAH MWAH
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sigh. having to turn down free concert tix
#mrowr.txt#its the motionless in white show tomorrow night#i have friends who are going but i'm indifferent about the bands playing#but my mom and i's crazy concert friend wants me to go with her#but tomorrow is boyfriend's birthday AND i open the morning after at 5 am#i feel bad i wanna hang out with her again but this show is just bad timing :(
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Praying begging pleading with the universe that it’s slow at work tomorrow so they definitely let me leave an hour early
#like I’m in the Midwest right we’ve got a shitty winter storm#@ any customers who decide to brave whatever snow/ice combo is happening out there right now#and then the negative or single digit temperatures in the morning on Christmas Eve Eve: fuck off#like we (my favorite coworker and I) have already decided we’re not doing shit tomorrow at work#we’re gonna show up open the store and hope that nothing happens all day#and then we’re gonna go home#and we’re gonna dress comfy while we do it#I’ve got stuff to do tomorrow bc I have a Christmas party tomorrow night and have to bake/make food for my family’s Christmas Eve#luckily I did my nails tonight#I need to write more for unholy which I did a little earlier while I was on my break at work but like…. I don’t know I find it so awkward/#uncomfy to try writing smut when I’m sitting in public even when I sit in a corner where no one can see my screen#but fuck it if it’s slow tomorrow I might just sit halfway out of sight of customers and write on my phone
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I've acquired a bit of an old man sleep schedule. I can't stay awake till 11 most nights and usually wake up naturally around 445-530. Not that I'm complaining, I am much happier as a morning person than I was as a night person, but it is a bit funny.
#i woke up at 530 this morning after falling asleep at 11 last night#thank you for the pet pics in my inbox i fell asleep looking at them i guess#since thats what my phone opened to this morning#i did intend on going back to sleep but then the fire alarms went off and i felt well i ought to get up in case somethings amiss.#nothing was or is#but i got up anyway#ordinarily id go to the coffee shop to do my work but the sunday morning shift always kills my vibe and i dont want to go to starbucks#because their coffee isnt very good and they dont have solid decaf options#and so on. anyway im almost done with the book i have to read for class and then i can start on the essay due tonight#i already have a good idea of what i want to say. its the how thats the problem#its only 800 words which i can churn out very quickly but theyll need some refinement#and then i do have homework that will probably keep me up past 11#alas. the semester is almost over.#i get to go to school tomorrow and then work the rest of the week. im tired of it really#i want a real break#but im 20 and the time for real breaks has passed. i need money and a degree.#on a positive note the collie guy im fond of liked my fb post this morning#i didnt think hed see it#no comment of course but the acknowledgement makes me smile.#i miss dog shows#so much#i think im going to reach out to one or two more breeders. unfortunately theyre out east so itll be a little more difficult#to meet their dogs#because most of the dogs we have here are out of one breeder out west#but id like to make more connections. im still exploring what id like to do with puppy outside of confo#herding seems like heaps of fun and i know a lot of places in co and wa that are really great for euro style herding#i need to attend more sports events#ive only been to herding and bitework#herding is definitely my fave though. nothing beats seeing those dogs in their element lol#anyway i cant imagine anyone read this far
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arts hell week at my school again :'(
#every year theres a week where its just like arts event after arts event at my school and itd be nice if i didn't RUN ALL OF THEM MYSELF#i cant fully take the credit for everything but i do so much. tomorrow night im running the open mic AND#i have to help out at a gsa meeting for dos AND the next day is the dos AND that evening i have to run an improv show#shhh i know how embarrassing that sequence of events is leave me be (lighthearted) (losing my mind)#AND. its literally past midnight and im still awake.#and on tumblr god forbid. get me out#cricket.chatterbox
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just got back from the VV concert
i don’t think that i will be able to experience any meaningful emotion ever again
#i expected that i will get emotional#but that was a lot#tomorrow we are doing it again folks#this time Kraków#but Warszawa was so fun#and kind of overwhelming but in a good way#there was exactly one (1) bra thrown on the stage#and Ville reminded us that stage is not lost and found office#so that was an eventful night#also go to the shows super early that’s my advice#i got there 2.5h before the door opening and i manage to be in front row but quite far to the left#i think that’s all for now#tomorrow we are doing it again#ville valo#vv#neon noir#concerts 2023
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