#footballzeroftheday

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#footballz happy birthday to Rufus Porter! You were a very good special teams player and eventually a dece sacker of quarterbacks in the pros! As a youth when I connected my own personhood to sports (I mean I do now but with at least an acknowledgement that I do and the ability to not cry when my team loses) I identified with you very much! Not just because you played for my beautiful darlings the Seahawks in their coolest uniforms ever (I mean LOOK AT THOSE) but because you did hard work without the credit that you deserved! And somehow I thought I was also doing that! In grade school! Look, I wasn’t a very smart child! Anyway you’re Wikipedia page is hilariously generic (there are sections for the three teams that you played for and each one is a single sentence relating how many seasons you played for the team) but I hope it get visited many times today, Rufus Porter, because it’s your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #rufusporter #seattleseahawks #neworleanssaints #tampabaybuccaneers #underappreciated #senseofself #dumbkidlogic #hilariouswikipediapages

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#footballz happy birthday to Ronnie Lott! You were an amazing safety in the pros! Like all time, hall of fame, won a bunch of Super Bowls great! Unforch you one got your pinky finger crushed tackling a dude! And instead of having surgery to get it repaired which would make you miss part of the season you had them amputate it! GROSSSSSSSSSS! Also you regret it! Which is sad! But hey your life is pretty great! I'm sure lots of people would trade part of a pinky to have your life! But hey maybe your secret dream was to be hand model and now that'll never happen! Sadness infects us all, friends! Even the super successful! I hope no one gets you a joke finger or the DVD of The Piano or something today, Ronnie Lott, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #ronnielott #sanfrancisco49ers #losangelesraiders #newyorkjets #halloffame #rings #regretsivehadafew #pinky #guhross #imahandmodelnotahandprostitute #everybodyhurts

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#footballz happy birthday to Karl Klug! You are a perfectly adequate human grabber! Also your name reminds me of the soft jazz guitarist Earl Klugh! Who's tape I got in a grab bag at a used tape store in a mall like 20 years ago! And that is a sentence that might only make sense to humans for like ten more years! Anyway, I really did not like that tape! Because I was a teenager and soft jazz guitar was a nightmare to me! Unless it was sampled in a rap song! Then it was ok! But now I'm old and listened to Earl Klugh's Laughter In the Rain while drinking green tea this morning AND IT RULED! Anyway you probably would hate Earl Klugh but maybe someone will get you like a bunch of mp3s by him today and you'll like them in a few years or something, Karl Klug, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #karlklug #tennesseetitans #earlklugh #jazzguitar #angryyoungdudes #memories #oldmanstuff #greentea #laughterintherain

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#footballs happy birthday to Britton Colquitt! Sorry I was away for so long my ballzheadz, I went on vacation to FRANCE and then got stuck there because of weather! I gotta say though FRANCE IS GREAT! Even though their pizza is a nightmare and there isn't really any American football there (they do have a basketball league though and I thought it would be cool to get a French basketball jersey because I'm that kind of dork but I was rebuffed at a second hand store by a clerk who said they didn't play basketball in France! Damn! If you have an XL French league basketball jersey or a way of acquiring one let me know! I did get one of those blue French worker's coats though so good for me!) it is beautiful and great and the wine is good and cheap and I learned that the bread we eat here is garbage and we went to Disneyland Paris (which is disappointingly no longer named EuroDisney and who's merch is pretty toilet)! You should all go to France if you haven't already! Full on #footballz seal of approval! Take your family, which if you're Britton Colquitt is a family full of punters! Like your dad and your brother and your uncle and like a cousin are all punters, Britton. That must be wild at family reunions! Anyways I hope none of your other punting family members critique your punting abilities today, Britton Colquitt, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #brittoncolquitt #denverbroncos #clevelandbrowns #rings #iwenttofrance #frenchbasketball #nightmarepizza #bestbread #eurodisney #familyofpunters

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#football happy birthday to Mario Williams! You're a pretty good tackler of people but maybe not as good as your pedigree as a number one pick! That's okay though because you have made a boatload of money! Money that you have spent, coincidentally (only because of my word tricks), ON A CRAZY BIG BOAT! This thing is wild (and in a nod to my lizard brain, pretty awesome)! It's an eighty foot long speedboat! Wouldn't it go faster if it was shorter? How fast can you take a boat before violating some sort of water speed limit? I know very little about boats! You also wear those dumb colored contacts which is made even dumber by you wearing a visor over said dumb contacts! Whaaaaaaa? Why would you even wear them then? I also know very little weird colored contacts I guess! I wish you and all your mysteries the best today, Mario Williams, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #mariowilliams #houstontexans #buffalobills #miamidolphins #boatmoney #coloredcontacts #mysteriesoflife

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#footballz happy birthday to Merril Hoge! You were an ok football playing person till your career got derailed by concussions! Like super scary concussions that were diagnosed poorly and led to you having to be resuscitated after one! That's some scary stuff! But you made a second career for yourself making huge knots in your neckties and saying really dumb stuff about sports on tv! Way to overcome the odds dude! Like your necktie knots are huge! And your take are almost inconceivably dumb! What a life! I hope someone gets you the thickest toe in the store today, Merril Hoge, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #merrilhoge #pittsburghsteelers #chicagobears #concussions #whoops #espn #awfulannouncing #giantknotstinybrains

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#footballz happy birthday to Dan Pastorini! You were an ok ball tosser in the 70s who played for a bunch of teams! The stuff you did off the field is what is rad though! You drag raced cars! And regular raced hydroplanes! The boats of my youth! You guest starred in tv shows! And even starred in one of the greatest named movies of all time! Weed: The Florida Connection! WHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT! You can tell a movie is going to be awesome when it has a : in the title! It's like two eyes looking right in your eyes saying "this movie is going to be rad and you know it"! Also the word Weed in a movie name is another sign of greatness! I have never and will never see Weed: The Florida Connection so as to not sully it's perfection in my mind's eye! You were a real American renaissance man! I hope you get bought a terrible mass market American pilsner today (the true beverage of American renaissance men) Dan Pastorini, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #danpastorini #houstonoilers #oaklandraiders #losangelesrams #philadelphiaeagles #rings #renaissanceman #hydro #weedthefloridaconnection #signsofquality #colon

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#footballz happy birthday to Mel Branch! You tackled dudes in the AFL which would become the NFL! You also won a title in college at LSU! Good job Mel! Your part of the defense on for the LSU Tigers were called the "Chinese Bandits"! Yikes! That's a little spicy! Oh and a local eatery would sell Chinese "coolie" hats before games! Oh no that's extra spicy! Plus Life magazine did a photo shoot where you all wore masks that made you look like old Chinese dudes in football uniforms! DING DING DING! That's a far too spicy racism bingo! Sure that was 1958 when white people were just treating other races like props much of the time (is this the part when America was great?) but HOLY MOLY that's nuts! Anyway, you're dead now and hopefully wherever you are people are forgiving of your unaware racism today, Mel Branch, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #melbranch #dallastexans #kansascitychiefs #miamidolphins #lsutigers #extraspicy #racism #maga #coololdtimeystuff #whenwasamericagreat

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#footballz happy birthday to Goose Gonsoulin! You were a very good interceptor of passes back in the times when everything was black and white! You also once swallowed your tongue during a football game and that is NASTY! Also it almost killed you which is SCARY! And your teammate and later famous professional wrestler Wahoo McDaniel pulled it out of your throat to save your life! All those things combine to make this a totally insane story! Much later you died from regular ass but still very sad cancer! So Wahoo bought you many years! I hope you are a wise and happy ghost will a non ghost life threatening tongue today, Goose Gonsoulin, because it’s your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #goosegonsoulin #denverbroncos #sanfrancisco49ers #scarytongues #sadcancer #ghostwishes #wahoomcdaniel

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#footballz happy birthday to DeAndre Hopkins! You are one of the best pass catchers in the pros! You have also had a very rough family life! I will not go into too many details because I would not be able to enumerate the many tragedies visited upon your family with instagram’s meager character limits! Just know, dear reader, that some fudged up stuff happened! Including multiple shootings of family members self inflicted and otherwise, fatal car crashes, and your mother almost being blinded by an attack involving boiling water and lye! Yeesh! If I had gone through what you had my life would be a shambling nightmare! The fact that you are an outstanding football player is amazing! I hope nothing terrible happens to anyone in your family today, DeAndre Hopkins, because it’s your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #deandrehopkins #houstontexans #oneofthebest #hardknocklife #familytragedies

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#footballz happy birthday to Ziggy Ansah! You are a very good talker of qbs in the pros! You are also steadily climbing the international Ziggy rankings! You’ve surpassed Ziggy from season two of the Wire (just barely, James Ransone’s work on that show is severely underrated) and are gunning for Ziggy the comic strip character! A good season this coming year would let you crush that distressingly sunny for a bald nimrod! Unforch it will take an exponential increase in fame to wrest the #1 Ziggy spot from former David Bowie persona Ziggy Stardust! Well it’s important to have goals in life! But today you’re our #1 Ziggy, Ziggy Ansah, because it’s your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #ziggyansah #detroitlions #ziggyrankings #jamesransone #ziggythecomiccharacter #ziggystardust

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#footballz happy birthday to Robert Aguayo! You’re a man who currently kicks footballs professionally! You are not good at it! Usually this would not be of note since many people are not good at kicking footballs professionally! But you were also drafted in the second round of the nfl draft! This placed undue pressure on your smallish kicker body and only exacerbated your inability to kick! This all sucks for you Robert! You could’ve just been a regular ass Josh Lambo or Blair Walsh but because of your draft status your name will ring out as a “bust”! I hope people are not being a dick to you today, Robert Aguayo, because it’s your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #robertaguayo #tampabaybuccaneers #losangeleschargers #notgreat #unforchdraftstatus #kickersarepeopletoo #bustsarepeopletoo

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#footballz happy birthday to Marcus Tubbs! You were a decent tackling man who’s short career will be lost to the sands of time but I will always remember you! You played on the first truly great teams of my Seahawks fandom! I also believe that your career ending microfracture injury was the beginning of the end for those mid 2000s teams! You were just starting to get very good and your interior stoutness was never replaced properly! This of course led to the worst part of any human’s fanhood! The part where your team that had been crap your whole life gets good but doesn’t win a title and then falls back down into crappitude! That part stings the most! I hope your life is v chill and not disappointing now, Marcus Tubbs, because it’s your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #marcustubbs #seattleseahawks #losttothesandsoftime #badknees #turningpoints #returntocrappitude

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#footballz happy birthday to Greg McElroy! You were fine in college when you played for Alabama teams that were loaded with talent but then you lasted one year in the pros! You were not a good professional quarterback! You apparently are very intelligent but your post playing career choice of college football analysts calls that into question! College football is trash as an on field product and moral enterprise (pay the players) and joining the braying chorus of nimrods who line their pockets while criticizing kids who are being paid nothing is gross! It does take a certain amount of intelligence to continually spout garbaggio and I also suppose there is a mercenary type of intelligence to taking a job that requires very little actual work but pays very well! So maybe you are smart, Greg McElroy, but I hope you have a terrible birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #gregmcelroy #nyjets #goodincollegeterribleinthepros #differentkindsofsmart

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#footballz happy birthday to Vince Workman! You were a meh running back who played for a while! You’re also the possessor of the name I would use if I ever got caught faking being a construction guy! Like if I was an undercover spy or a private detective (I would say cop but I’d never be a cop! Sorry cops! You’ll never have my witty repartee to liven up your work day!) and there was some shady stuff going on at building site and I had to go in there all dressed up in bob the builder gear and a security dude found me and asked my name I would for sure say “Vince... Work... Man?” So you’ve got that going for you! I hope no one uses your name as an alias today, Vince Workman, because it’s your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #vinceworkman #greenbaypackers #tampabaybuccaneers #carolinapanthers #indianapoliscolts #greatnames #myaliases #idneverbeacop

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#footballz happy birthday to Lane Johnson! You are a very good blocking person who was a delight during the Eagles Super Bowl run! You wore that very disturbing German Shepard mask after the Eagles beat the Falcons due to your underdog status before the game! It made everyone think that a dog head guy played football! And a dog head guy doing anything is pretty hilarious! You got suspended for doing PEDs but I don’t care because of that dog head guy stuff! I hope you get more and more opportunities to wear that mask today, Lane Johnson, because it’s your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #lanejohnson #philadelphiaeagles #rings #peds #dogheadguys