#footballzeroftheday

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#footballz happy birthday to Rufus Porter! You were a very good special teams player and eventually a dece sacker of quarterbacks in the pros! As a youth when I connected my own personhood to sports (I mean I do now but with at least an acknowledgement that I do and the ability to not cry when my team loses) I identified with you very much! Not just because you played for my beautiful darlings the Seahawks in their coolest uniforms ever (I mean LOOK AT THOSE) but because you did hard work without the credit that you deserved! And somehow I thought I was also doing that! In grade school! Look, I wasn’t a very smart child! Anyway you’re Wikipedia page is hilariously generic (there are sections for the three teams that you played for and each one is a single sentence relating how many seasons you played for the team) but I hope it get visited many times today, Rufus Porter, because it’s your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #rufusporter #seattleseahawks #neworleanssaints #tampabaybuccaneers #underappreciated #senseofself #dumbkidlogic #hilariouswikipediapages

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#footballz happy birthday to Jake Long! You were a pretty good blocker of humans on the gridiron! You also have the last name Long but you aren't related to Chris or Kyle or Howie Long who all played football, even a couple of them while you did, and are all related! That must have been kind of a bummer! Like you even played with Chris Long for a minute on one of the many terrible Rams teams of the mid 2000s! And like Howie would be on tv and talking about his kids and then someone would probably bring your name up and he'd have to be like "nope that's not my kid" and that sucks for you Jake! You don't play football anyone so maybe you can go into a field that isn't filled with people that are related and also have the same last name as you! That should be pretty easy! I wish the best for you, Jake Long, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #jakelong #miamidolphins #stlouisrams #minnesotavikings #atlantafalcons #norelation #ontheoutsidelookingin #notbrothersfromadifferentmother

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#footballz happy birthday to Ronnie Lott! You were an amazing safety in the pros! Like all time, hall of fame, won a bunch of Super Bowls great! Unforch you one got your pinky finger crushed tackling a dude! And instead of having surgery to get it repaired which would make you miss part of the season you had them amputate it! GROSSSSSSSSSS! Also you regret it! Which is sad! But hey your life is pretty great! I'm sure lots of people would trade part of a pinky to have your life! But hey maybe your secret dream was to be hand model and now that'll never happen! Sadness infects us all, friends! Even the super successful! I hope no one gets you a joke finger or the DVD of The Piano or something today, Ronnie Lott, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #ronnielott #sanfrancisco49ers #losangelesraiders #newyorkjets #halloffame #rings #regretsivehadafew #pinky #guhross #imahandmodelnotahandprostitute #everybodyhurts

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#footballz happy birthday to Karl Klug! You are a perfectly adequate human grabber! Also your name reminds me of the soft jazz guitarist Earl Klugh! Who's tape I got in a grab bag at a used tape store in a mall like 20 years ago! And that is a sentence that might only make sense to humans for like ten more years! Anyway, I really did not like that tape! Because I was a teenager and soft jazz guitar was a nightmare to me! Unless it was sampled in a rap song! Then it was ok! But now I'm old and listened to Earl Klugh's Laughter In the Rain while drinking green tea this morning AND IT RULED! Anyway you probably would hate Earl Klugh but maybe someone will get you like a bunch of mp3s by him today and you'll like them in a few years or something, Karl Klug, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #karlklug #tennesseetitans #earlklugh #jazzguitar #angryyoungdudes #memories #oldmanstuff #greentea #laughterintherain

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#footballs happy birthday to Britton Colquitt! Sorry I was away for so long my ballzheadz, I went on vacation to FRANCE and then got stuck there because of weather! I gotta say though FRANCE IS GREAT! Even though their pizza is a nightmare and there isn't really any American football there (they do have a basketball league though and I thought it would be cool to get a French basketball jersey because I'm that kind of dork but I was rebuffed at a second hand store by a clerk who said they didn't play basketball in France! Damn! If you have an XL French league basketball jersey or a way of acquiring one let me know! I did get one of those blue French worker's coats though so good for me!) it is beautiful and great and the wine is good and cheap and I learned that the bread we eat here is garbage and we went to Disneyland Paris (which is disappointingly no longer named EuroDisney and who's merch is pretty toilet)! You should all go to France if you haven't already! Full on #footballz seal of approval! Take your family, which if you're Britton Colquitt is a family full of punters! Like your dad and your brother and your uncle and like a cousin are all punters, Britton. That must be wild at family reunions! Anyways I hope none of your other punting family members critique your punting abilities today, Britton Colquitt, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #brittoncolquitt #denverbroncos #clevelandbrowns #rings #iwenttofrance #frenchbasketball #nightmarepizza #bestbread #eurodisney #familyofpunters

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#football happy birthday to Mario Williams! You're a pretty good tackler of people but maybe not as good as your pedigree as a number one pick! That's okay though because you have made a boatload of money! Money that you have spent, coincidentally (only because of my word tricks), ON A CRAZY BIG BOAT! This thing is wild (and in a nod to my lizard brain, pretty awesome)! It's an eighty foot long speedboat! Wouldn't it go faster if it was shorter? How fast can you take a boat before violating some sort of water speed limit? I know very little about boats! You also wear those dumb colored contacts which is made even dumber by you wearing a visor over said dumb contacts! Whaaaaaaa? Why would you even wear them then? I also know very little weird colored contacts I guess! I wish you and all your mysteries the best today, Mario Williams, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #mariowilliams #houstontexans #buffalobills #miamidolphins #boatmoney #coloredcontacts #mysteriesoflife

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#footballz happy birthday to Merril Hoge! You were an ok football playing person till your career got derailed by concussions! Like super scary concussions that were diagnosed poorly and led to you having to be resuscitated after one! That's some scary stuff! But you made a second career for yourself making huge knots in your neckties and saying really dumb stuff about sports on tv! Way to overcome the odds dude! Like your necktie knots are huge! And your take are almost inconceivably dumb! What a life! I hope someone gets you the thickest toe in the store today, Merril Hoge, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #merrilhoge #pittsburghsteelers #chicagobears #concussions #whoops #espn #awfulannouncing #giantknotstinybrains

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#footballz happy birthday to Don Shula! You were a fine football player and then you were one of the greatest coaches of all time and then you opened a chain of steakhouses that I ate at one of one time in the Mid-Atlantic region! I'm pretty sure it was in Bethesda, Maryland! After or during an independent comics convention! Memory is a tricky thing! I'm pretty sure I had a burger that was slathered in a bunch of BBQ sauce! It was for sure a time in my life where that sounded like the best thing as opposed to now when I would probably say that sounds terrible! Not because it would taste terrible (BBQ sauce is still amazing) but because it would throw my aging body into total chaos! Life! You cruel beast! You take away my memory of where and when I ate at a Don Shula's Steakhouse and my ability to eat food there! Is this what that Proust book is like? I only read the first couple of pages! Anyway I hope life has not robbed you of too much Don Shula, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #donshula #clevelandbrowns #baltimorecolts #washingtondcfootballteam #rings #okplayer #amazingcoach #steakhouses #bbqsauceisstillgood #memory #theravagesoftime #proust

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#footballz happy birthday to Dan Pastorini! You were an ok ball tosser in the 70s who played for a bunch of teams! The stuff you did off the field is what is rad though! You drag raced cars! And regular raced hydroplanes! The boats of my youth! You guest starred in tv shows! And even starred in one of the greatest named movies of all time! Weed: The Florida Connection! WHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT! You can tell a movie is going to be awesome when it has a : in the title! It's like two eyes looking right in your eyes saying "this movie is going to be rad and you know it"! Also the word Weed in a movie name is another sign of greatness! I have never and will never see Weed: The Florida Connection so as to not sully it's perfection in my mind's eye! You were a real American renaissance man! I hope you get bought a terrible mass market American pilsner today (the true beverage of American renaissance men) Dan Pastorini, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #danpastorini #houstonoilers #oaklandraiders #losangelesrams #philadelphiaeagles #rings #renaissanceman #hydro #weedthefloridaconnection #signsofquality #colon

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#footballz happy birthday to Shawne Merriman! Sorry I've been in and out this week ballzpalz! My phone is all fudged! And it's my birthday week so I've been eating a drinking to the point where my ive gotten pretty lazy! Anyway I share my birthday with you Shawne! You were much better at tackling dudes and taking steroids and being in a relationship with Tila Tequila and having a clothing line in Walmart than I ever have or ever will! I mean I'm never going to try to tackle another person or take steroids or be in a relationship with Tila Tequila (I mean I probably wouldn't want to have clothes in Walmart but maybe Walmart will stop being assholes and I'll start making clothes so I don't want to rule anything out) so the point is kind of moot! I mean you were objectively bad at taking steroids (you got caught) and being with Tila Tequila (she accused you of beating her up)! I hope no one makes you do any of the things you're terrible at (me neither), Shawne Merriman, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #shawnemerriman #sandiegochargers #buffalobills #lightout #terriblethingsillneverdo #hbd2me #tilatequila #roids #walmartareassholes

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#footballz happy birthday to James Hasty! You were a fine coverage human on the football field! Then after you retired many things happened but most recently you became the head coach at our shared high school! With much fanfare! Because our high school football team at the time was v bad! But then suddenly you weren't! With no fanfare! I could not find any notice about the circumstances of your departure! So who knows! Maybe you fell through a hole in time and are now in a weird space box hanging out with a lady with like worm eyes or something? I don't know! I've been watching a lot of the new Twin Peaks! I hope worm eyes lady gives you something nice today, James Hasty, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #jameshasty #newyorkjets #kansascitychiefs #oaklandraiders #coach #franklinhighschool #whahappen #twinpeaks #spacebox #weretherewormsonehereyesorwhat #spoilers

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#footballz happy birthday to Mel Branch! You tackled dudes in the AFL which would become the NFL! You also won a title in college at LSU! Good job Mel! Your part of the defense on for the LSU Tigers were called the "Chinese Bandits"! Yikes! That's a little spicy! Oh and a local eatery would sell Chinese "coolie" hats before games! Oh no that's extra spicy! Plus Life magazine did a photo shoot where you all wore masks that made you look like old Chinese dudes in football uniforms! DING DING DING! That's a far too spicy racism bingo! Sure that was 1958 when white people were just treating other races like props much of the time (is this the part when America was great?) but HOLY MOLY that's nuts! Anyway, you're dead now and hopefully wherever you are people are forgiving of your unaware racism today, Mel Branch, because it's your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #melbranch #dallastexans #kansascitychiefs #miamidolphins #lsutigers #extraspicy #racism #maga #coololdtimeystuff #whenwasamericagreat

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#footballz happy birthday to Goose Gonsoulin! You were a very good interceptor of passes back in the times when everything was black and white! You also once swallowed your tongue during a football game and that is NASTY! Also it almost killed you which is SCARY! And your teammate and later famous professional wrestler Wahoo McDaniel pulled it out of your throat to save your life! All those things combine to make this a totally insane story! Much later you died from regular ass but still very sad cancer! So Wahoo bought you many years! I hope you are a wise and happy ghost will a non ghost life threatening tongue today, Goose Gonsoulin, because it’s your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #goosegonsoulin #denverbroncos #sanfrancisco49ers #scarytongues #sadcancer #ghostwishes #wahoomcdaniel

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#footballz happy birthday to DeAndre Hopkins! You are one of the best pass catchers in the pros! You have also had a very rough family life! I will not go into too many details because I would not be able to enumerate the many tragedies visited upon your family with instagram’s meager character limits! Just know, dear reader, that some fudged up stuff happened! Including multiple shootings of family members self inflicted and otherwise, fatal car crashes, and your mother almost being blinded by an attack involving boiling water and lye! Yeesh! If I had gone through what you had my life would be a shambling nightmare! The fact that you are an outstanding football player is amazing! I hope nothing terrible happens to anyone in your family today, DeAndre Hopkins, because it’s your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #deandrehopkins #houstontexans #oneofthebest #hardknocklife #familytragedies

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#footballz happy birthday to Ziggy Ansah! You are a very good talker of qbs in the pros! You are also steadily climbing the international Ziggy rankings! You’ve surpassed Ziggy from season two of the Wire (just barely, James Ransone’s work on that show is severely underrated) and are gunning for Ziggy the comic strip character! A good season this coming year would let you crush that distressingly sunny for a bald nimrod! Unforch it will take an exponential increase in fame to wrest the #1 Ziggy spot from former David Bowie persona Ziggy Stardust! Well it’s important to have goals in life! But today you’re our #1 Ziggy, Ziggy Ansah, because it’s your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #ziggyansah #detroitlions #ziggyrankings #jamesransone #ziggythecomiccharacter #ziggystardust

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#footballz happy birthday to Robert Aguayo! You’re a man who currently kicks footballs professionally! You are not good at it! Usually this would not be of note since many people are not good at kicking footballs professionally! But you were also drafted in the second round of the nfl draft! This placed undue pressure on your smallish kicker body and only exacerbated your inability to kick! This all sucks for you Robert! You could’ve just been a regular ass Josh Lambo or Blair Walsh but because of your draft status your name will ring out as a “bust”! I hope people are not being a dick to you today, Robert Aguayo, because it’s your birthday! #footballzeroftheday #footballzbirthdays #robertaguayo #tampabaybuccaneers #losangeleschargers #notgreat #unforchdraftstatus #kickersarepeopletoo #bustsarepeopletoo