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The thrill of it all | Kim Yugyeom

This is my first time ever writing, and I really wanted to share it somewhere. I hope you like it :)   (gif credit @jypnior​)

Kim Yugeyom, Got7 x female reader/pairing

Genre: Angst (?), some fluffy moments

Word Count: 5.9k

Summary: With love comes happiness, but also unhappiness. With love comes sorrow, but also passion. His selfishness and the need for her attention and love keeps him making her crave him. He hurt himself by hurting her, but he couldn't stop. It was something thrilling about it.

It was nothing new this feeling. This feeling of regret. Sorrow. Rejection. Unhappiness. I had felt this feeling too many times to count. Being in a relationship with someone so loved but also so disliked; it brought insecurities to you. The arrogance of a person knowing about the effect they had on someone, positive or negative. His constant need and thrive to get accepted, acknowledged and seen by everyone made our relationship vulnerable. It hurts me more than anything when I think back about how I felt during those times. When I had to fight with everyone around me for my boyfriend's attention. The attention that any partner would desire and the need they have from their partner; that was non-existent.

“I will love you ‘til I die. I will love you from this day on to forever” he said, and I wanted to believed him. It is hard being in a relationship that no one knows about, but you. To you, he is your whole world. He is the first person you think about when you wake up in the morning. He is the one that does not let you forget that everything around you is a reminder of him:

The black-haired stranger walking in front of you on the street. The shadows and contours from the stranger’s body from behind reminding you of his. His back and concentrated expression for messing up your breakfast surprise for the second time that morning. The colour red from the memory of his swollen lips after you two kiss for too long. The song playing in the mall making you remember yours and his’s song. The same song he sent you one evening just because he thought of you and missed you. Everything reminds you of him, at the same time as no one knows about you. No one knows about the girl receiving flowers and getting songs written about her, and the truth is; he liked it that way. He liked the thought of having something in private for himself, something out of the spotlight. But I know he had another reason.

//

It was Thursday morning when he woke me up intoxicated. His voice dropping in volume as he called me by my various nicknames. Baby. Sunshine. Babygirl. My heart fluttered every time I heard those words leaving past his lips. Those words starting an internal war inside of me. “You did amazing tonight. I’m proud over you” my fingers go through his perfectly made hair as I smile at him. He and the rest of the boys had their first performance this year, and being in the company with some of the biggest groups in the industry, I was proud of him. I knew how nervous he was, the thought of messing up and his constant need to get accepted, acknowledged and seen by everyone making him nauseous. He practised day after day, night after night. Coming home late in the evenings or early in the mornings. The next time being even more tired than the time before.

*

His lips curled up into an intoxicated smile as his eyes fought to close. Almost like he fought with himself to get one last glance at her before his eyes screwed shut. He kept his gaze on her for a couple of seconds before moving to pull hair behind her ear. His fingertips grazing her cheek as his hands brush down her neck. “I thought of you the whole time” the words left his lips faster than he anticipated. Almost as if he regretted saying them, the thought of blaming his intoxicated mental state for any comments made tonight. But the truth is: he didn’t lie. He really did think about her the whole time that evening. The thought of how beautiful she is when she looks up at him as he speaks. Her eyes going over every feature of his face. He loved that about her. The constant attention and love she gave him. The constant reassurance and support for his worries. The problem is; one part of her couldn’t believe him, and one part of him couldn’t let her love him. He felt knives were digging deeper and deeper into his soul as the memories of the two of them resurfaced. The memories he had pushed away the last couple of months. He did not know why he still held her this close to him when he felt this way. His feelings for her, somehow deep down still reminding him of how he felt for her at the beginning of their relationship. He knew how she felt, he did not need to hear the words leaving her mouth. He knew how that every time he pulled her closer, she drifted further and further away from him. He felt bad. Because he wanted to love her, and he wanted to let her love him, and he does love her. Deep down. But the selfishness and his own problems caused him to let the demons inside win. He had held onto her for too long, both of them knew it. She: fighting for his love and attention, and him: fighting against his own conscience about what is right or wrong. But when she drags her fingers through his hair something inside him makes him want to stop time and stay in the moment forever. The moment with her and the moment when they are just them.

His selfishness and the need for her attention and love keeps him making her crave him. He hurt himself by hurting her, but he couldn’t stop. It was something thrilling about it.

//

I had an easier time than usual falling asleep that evening, now being used to the feeling of going to bed on my own. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that with his work comes opportunities, award shows being one of them. But why do I have to fight for him to love me? Why do I have to fight him for me to be able to love him? Why do I have to fight for him to love me the way I love him, to see me and kiss me like the first time? I’m right over here. Why can’t he see me?

Regret. Sorrow. Unhappiness.

Love. Happiness. Passion.

I had spent the evening watching the award show in bed. Switching channel every now and then for being too anxious when I see the quick glances of him and the rest of the boys. Running myself a hot bath in the middle of it, I needed to relax and to get my mind off of everything. I don’t know what my life is like right now, why it is this way. My friends keep telling me to call it off, as the voice inside of my head is starting to get louder and louder to do the same. You deserve better, you can not keep doing this. You can’t keep fighting for something that both of you know is not the same as it once were. I do not want to believe my friends, even though I deep down know that they are right. But this feeling, this feeling of regret. Sorrow. Rejection. Unhappiness. The feeling leaves a damaging scar inside of me, but there is also something so thrilling about it.

                                                           //

The water was hot against my skin, my face tight with my face mask drying. The scent of lavender flowing around the bathroom as I closed my eyes, a deep breath leaving my lips. I needed this. This time for myself, even though I’ve had too much time alone the past couple of months. Falling asleep with him beside me, being lonelier than ever. It was something different with being alone at this moment. My body fell deeper into the water as the bubbles tickled the surface of my skin, my skin burning because of the hot water surrounding me. I did not want to stay in the water for too long, not wanting to miss him performing and possibly winning the anticipated award. My thoughts drifting away and the next thing I know the water was cold. The smell of the smoke from my candles filled the bathroom as I climbed out of the deep bathtub, holding tightly against the edge of it. Being remembered about the last time I was in this bathtub, with him behind me. Kissing down my neck and back, fingers around my hips. Sighing, I get dressed and move back to my bed. Our bed. Cotton sheets melting with my soft skin as I turn down the volume on the television. Just as I get into bed they announce them: Seven guys dressed in all Yves Saint Laurent. Their black tuxedos and all glittery details catch my attention as they get into their positions, the music starting.

Girl, when everyone is asleep.

You have taken my heart.

For some reason, I want to hug you again, just tonight

You always fill up my side

And I’m singing a love song. You know it

Don’t say goodbye, just tonight

I left my side open for you

I feel proud when I watch them. Their bodies moving against each other in a manufactured rhythm, their voices melting together in perfect harmony. The song makes me want to cry and smile at the same time, the lyrics digging a deeper hole into me. Is he thinking about us when he is singing? Does this song bring up as many memories, positive and negative, for him as for me? I can’t stop the thoughts from forming, as selfish as it is. This performance isn’t about us, it is about them. Their success and finally being able to perform on the same stage as some of the biggest artists in the industry. It was something they had wanted and worked towards for so long.

The award was close to the end when I decided to turn off the television and drift to sleep. Not texting him due to believing the fact that he would be home in a few moments, an hour max, or so I thought.

//

“Bro, you should slow down. Don’t go too crazy” Jackson tells me as he grabs the class out of my hand. He looks at me with hazed eyes, drunk himself. I know he did it for a good cause, but I could not stop from getting pissed off. Who the fuck is he to tell me what to do and not to do? I am already annoyed as it is, and now he is going to tell me how much I can and can’t drink? Get the fuck out of here. He should worry about himself instead of me, coming at me acting like he is the perfect one here. I glare at him as I grab my second glass, the drink burning my throat as I swallow. Fuck, this feels good.

“He is right you know, you need to calm down bro. What is bothering you?” Youngjae’s voice echoes in my ears as he puts his hands on my shoulder. I wanted to tell him that it was her. Her, someone I couldn’t get my mind off of even how much I drank and tried. Both good and bad memories filling up my mind, her face flashing before my eyes. Honestly, I should be at home with her right now. Her body in our bed, waiting for me to come home. Coming home one night without being drunk or with an attitude. God, I hated being distant towards her, but I can’t help it. I love her more than my life itself, she is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She, also being the one I can’t love, and I can’t let her love me. During our months together, years even, I have kept her as close as I could with also keeping her as far away from me as possible. Her fighting for my attention as I craved it more and more. I hate myself for breaking her. I don’t know when this started, this feeling inside of me. My constant need and thrive to get accepted, acknowledged and seen by everyone making our relationship vulnerable. Memories of other women being beneath me, as I imagined that it was her. When I could just as easily be at home, and that image would turn into reality. I hate myself for treating her this way. I love her too much to do this to myself. And to her.

I remember the moment when I told her. “I’ll love you til’ I die, I will love you from this day on to forever” She was laying with her head in my lap, looking more beautiful than ever. Her eyes flicking between mine as the words left past my lips. She didn’t believe me, I saw it in how the way she closed her eyes before smiling up at me. “You’ll forget in time” she told me before repositioning herself in my lap. And as the years went slowly by, she still preyed upon my mind.

As I open my eyes again I meet Youngjae’s gaze; I knew exactly what he is thinking. I know that he knows, it’s not a secret that my relationship has been rocky the last couple of months. All of the boys knew about it. I can still remember the disappointment in his eyes when he caught me arriving at our shared hotel room later than anticipated. My lips sore and my voice raspy, with my girlfriend laying in our shared bed in another country. I scrubbed my skin a little too hard that night, wanting to erase all of the memories and the invisible marks still glued on my body. Even though you couldn’t see them, I could feel them. I could feel that girls fingertips left on my body, her lips tracing my skin. The thoughts disgusted me, I disgusted myself. I couldn’t believe what I just did, not that it was the first time I cheated. But that night was different. Different because I didn’t feel like I needed to get off, I didn’t feel like I needed to meet someone at that moment, but I did, and in a way that is even worse. “Well, my love life is not a dance on roses I can tell you that.” I laughed to cover up the obvious voice crack that left my lips. He caught it anyway. I don’t know why I try to act tough in front of them, the boys know me better than I know myself, and it is not right that I act this way.

“You should stop that shit. It is not right how you treat her, she has supported you since day one and you keep fucking girls behind her back” Jackson jumped into the conversation again. Eyes wide open as he watched the situation curiously. “You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I know that I keep treating her like shit, huh? It’s not like I enjoy treating her this way” I slump down in my seat, the alcohol buzzing through my veins. Fuck, I will have an awful headache tomorrow. The rest of the boys ended their hectic conversation, now keeping all their attention on us three. Jackson and Youngjae shaking their heads, the mood change being obvious. “I’m just telling you bro, she loves you too much for her own good, and you will hurt her even more if you don’t break it off or get your shit together” Jackson’s voice got deeper as he spoke, the alcohol making him slur on his words but his message clear. The other boys agreeing with him with mumbled ”mhm’s” and nods.

Two hours and a couple of drinks later I stumble into the hallway of our apartment. The scent of burned out candles fill my nostrils as I kick my shoes into a corner, stumbling over my own feet. I know that she is asleep, this situation being more usual than ever. I undress on my way to our bedroom, the sight of her making me stop right in my tracks. There she lays, her body under the covers as the light from the television is flashing against her skin. Fuck, why do I keep doing this? I turn the television off as I get closer to the bed, the feeling of my body sinking down the mattress making her stir in her sleep. Her brown eyes stare tiredly at me as she smiles, moving into a more comfortable position, allowing me in the bed with her. I can see the disappointment behind her eyes, her smile quickly vanishing as she notices my drunken state. “I’m sorry I woke you up baby” my voice comes off quieter than normal, being afraid of being in the way. Bby, sunshine and baby girl are some of her nicknames I’ve given her during our time together. One year, 11 months and 13 days to be exact. The nicknames leave my lips in a whisper as I get closer to her, my hand landing on the side of her stomach. The smooth skin making me miss her being close to me. “You did amazing tonight. I’m proud over you” She tells me as her fingers go through my hair. Fuck, I love when she does that. My eyes roll in the back of my head as I see a smile gracing her lips. That is the smile I love, the honest smile full of love and adoration. The smile that makes me want to regret every single fucked up thing I have ever done to her.

My brain makes me smile before I can process it, my eyes fighting to close. But I wanted to keep looking at her, her beauty surprising me every second that passed. Her eyelashes falling against her cheeks as she blinked, later showing her beautiful eyes. Her eyes divine, speaking with love and tenderness. Her eyes, a million stars in them. The picture of innocence. “I thought of you the whole time” I tell her as I pull her hair behind her ear. I almost regret telling her, the demons inside of me not wanting to give in to the situation happening. But the truth is; I did think of her the whole time. The thought of how beautiful she is when she looks up at me as I speak. Her eyes going over every feature of my face. I love that about her. The constant attention and love she gives me. The constant reassurance and support of my worries. She is the one I thought about when we won our award. Because she has supported me more than anyone else.

//

Then, he came home a week later after being in Japan for work. His body anxious about finally seeing her, their fight over the phone a day earlier made him angrier at himself than he has ever been. His stressful surroundings making him take it out on her, and her uneven breaths leaving his speaker phone as she cried for the thousandth time. He had flowers in his hand as he turned the key inside the lock, butterflies of anxiety in his stomach as he desired to meet her. To kiss her and to apologize. For real this time. A frown showed up on his face as he opened the door, being met with nothing but silence. And at that moment he knew. He knew that he had fucked up for real and he knew at that moment that it was over.

Emptiness. Regret. Sorrow. Rejection. Unhappiness.

The emotions got louder and louder inside of him for every second that passed. He felt like he was close to passing out. The walls bouncing off a loud scream of her name as he fell to his knees. Flowers hitting the wall closest to him on the way. He couldn’t stop the tears from running down his cheeks, having to balance himself so he wouldn’t fall even harder. His throat burning because of the screams leaving his lips, the loss for oxygen as it felt like he would drown. He needed to get himself up to breathe, but he couldn’t. He was stuck, falling deeper and deeper into the hole of death. His throat closing more for every moment passing by. Is this how it feels like to die? He wondered how long it would take until he will wake up. How long it would take until he could breathe again. This life of loneliness and pain, living a life with nothing to gain. Surrounded by darkness, overwhelmed with shame. A life without peace with only himself to blame. His heart ached in so many different ways at that moment. Because at that moment, he had lost another heart. Because he loved her. Because he disappointed her. Because he longed for adventure. Because he wished for something greater. His heart ached and ached, yet he knew she would know what it is to feel healing. A feeling like a golden glowing warmth. Something which takes time and tending to, but he knew that she deserved happiness. Happiness that he couldn’t give her because of his selfishness. But he didn’t want to believe it, the situation happening. Memories and moments of them together flashing before his eyes, the lump in his throat getting bigger.

//

“Stop doing that!” She told him while smiling. Showing off her white teeth as her eyes shined, water droplets running down her skin. He smiled looking at her, going in to kiss her again. She did not want to admit to him that she loved when he kissed her unexpectedly, but he knew. She felt butterflies in her stomach whenever she looked up at his tall frame, wet hair against his beautiful face as water ran down against both their bodies. She loved whenever she would talk to him and when he would kiss her out of nowhere. Sometimes it was just an innocent kiss, sometimes lingering a little longer and pressing a little bit harder against her while smiling. His lips pressing against her forehead before he looked back at her. It made her feel loved. Sometimes the soft innocent and quick kisses would lead into something deeper. Random make out sessions on the couch, her being positioned on the kitchen while he made breakfast or in a dressing room. Sometimes it would lead to a quick fix, both of them in need to get off of each other. Their breaths fast and breathy, his hand over her mouth to not gain attention from his team on the other side of the door.

But this moment wasn’t like that. They had woken up by the sun poking through the curtains, her running her fingers through his hair and down his face. Later running her nails lightly against his chest and abdomen. He loved the ticklish feeling of her nails tracing his skin, faking to be asleep so she would continue. Even though she knew better. This time they both showered, not having any time to follow. He loved that she could feel comfortable enough to be naked in front of him. It was different being naked in front of each other when you had sex, that was not that big of a deal. But when she stood in front of him like this, his eyes grazing over her beautiful curves he couldn’t be happier with the situation they were in.

He kissed her again before making her turn around, shampooing her hair and massaging her scalp at the same time. Her ”mhm’s” of satisfaction. “My mom wanted to invite us over for dinner tonight” he told her in a low voice as he massaged her hair. Feeling her nod. “She loves you, you know. She keeps texting me asking how you are all the time!” he continues but stops when she turns around, grabbing his hands in the process. “I’m thankful, I want her to like me. It is important that she likes the person her son is dating” she tells him while closing her eyes, rinsing her hair. He watched her for a few moments, thinking about how he could get so lucky to find someone like her. He wants to spend the rest of his life with her. And at that moment, he tells her how much he loves her. The first time ever those three words left his lips. Nerves and butterflies in his stomach quickly disappearing as he saw her smile grow, her lips on his. “I love you” she kissed him again. “I love you so much”

//

That memory burned a hole in his mind. The last couple of weeks being harder than ever, the boys being more supportive than ever. The fans knew something was going on, discussions going around all social medias with all different scenarios and rumours of what could have happened. None of them knowing about his, now ex-girlfriend, and their relationship. None of them knowing that their loving idol was cheating on his girlfriend for months, none of the fans knowing about the love his life for the whole time they were together.

He kept pictures of her on his wall, went half-crazy every now and then. He still loved her through it all, hoping she’d come back again. He kept some letters by his bed dated “fourteen two nineteen”, and as he had underlined every single “I love you”.

*

“To you, 14 February 2019.

Have I ever told you, my love, that I’m all wrapped up in you? How the feelings that you bring me, gives me a joy I never knew existed? I remember the first day we met. It was a hot summer day, August 12th to be exact. You wore an all black outfit, even though the weather was beaming, but something still caught my eye. I knew right then and there, that I wanted you.

We locked eyes, and I felt something stir inside of me. The butterflies in my stomach and my heart skipped a beat. You smiled at me and turned your head to Jackson, who instantly turned his eyes to me, making you embarrassed. I knew right then and there, that you wanted me too. It wasn’t long until you came up and talked to me, trying to be discreet from what I today know, were your fans. Ahgases. You introduced yourself, taking my hand in yours. “Kim Yugyeom” I repeated those words in my head over and over again. Kim Yugyeom. You. The rest of the boys in your group wouldn’t stop sneaking glances at us every now and then, trying to see how it was going. Or from what I know today, try to see if you could make it without embarrassing yourself too much. You being the youngest, they teased you a lot. And you talking to me was no exception.

The first time we kissed was something special. We had spent time together secretly for two months. Me studying and you working and travelling, having an hard time finding time to spend with me. But you did make time, even those five minutes on the phone. The quick text messages that would make me giggle in class and no one knew that you were the reason behind it all. You pulled me closer that day, it was right before you were leaving for going to Japan and China for your tour for three weeks. Your driver was waiting outside my mom’s house, stressed about you running late. Your hands gripped the side of my face as you pulled me in, kissing me deeply. I was so happy. I knew I loved you then, but I was too afraid to believe it myself. “I will call you when I land, okay baby?” was the last thing you said before kissing me again, then being out the door on your way to another country. I still remember that day so clearly. I remember my mom teasing me when I got to my room. “I’m happy for you darling. I like him” she said smiling. I knew at that time, that this was for real.

The same day you came home from your tour, we had sex for the first time. Needy, excited, bubbly, teasing, kissing. Everything. We both had waited for this since the first day we met, three and a half months earlier. The sexual tension being there but both of us not wanting to rush anything. And for that, I was happy. You treated me like an angel, took care of me so good. I was going crazy, your body driving me insane. And that was the beginning of something so insane, yet so Beautiful.

December 31st, the day when you introduced me to your close ones as your girlfriend. The boys teased you, congratulating you for finally having someone. You blushed, and I found you so cute yet so sexy. Outstanding. All I wanted was to show you off to everyone, being sad that I couldn’t because of your profession. But at that time I understood, that the love between you and I only needed to be between us. And I liked it that way.

Some weeks after new years, we told each other I love you. We stood in the shower together, both of us being comfortable naked. I love your body. I miss it every day. I remember how much you made me laugh that day, after you kissed me over and over. You told me how much your mom loved me, and I was so relieved. I wanted your mom to like me, and that was such a weight lifted off of my shoulders. You kissed me again, the butterflies in my stomach growing more and more for each kiss, before you turned me around and started shampooing my hair. We stood like that for a while, then you told me those three words. I love you. Wow. I felt like my heart was going to explode. I repeated it in my head a thousands time over. I love you I love you I love you. God, I love every single fucking part of you. And my love has only grown for you ever since that day.

Two weeks later, we had our big fight. Bottles smashed around us and both of us crying. We thought that was the end for us, but neither of you or me wanted to let that happen. That fight was made up after a long time of small arguments. Tension, stress, jealousy, love. We loved each other too much, and I think both of us, in one fucked up way liked the tension between us. Tension, sexual tension.

Today, February 11th, I’m writing you this letter. I am sitting in your apartment, thinking about you and us. Wearing your shirt, you know the one that I love so much? it smells like you, and it feels like home. I had to get my thoughts out of my head, my mind being too caught up in the thought of you. I hope you have waited until valentines to read this? or that you find it in your suitcase in time. Right now, you are at practice working so hard for your upcoming tour. I know that you’re upset about leaving tomorrow, and us not being together this Valentine's, but remember, I’m always with you. I am so proud over you and everything you have become and accomplished these last couple of months that I’ve known you. I’m your biggest fan, my love. I love you.

You light up everything for me;

In my heart you shine;

Illuminating my life,

My darling, Yugyeom

My Valentine.

I love you.

/Your baby”

His heart felt like it might explode. Tears streaming down his face as he reread it for the fourth time. He loved that letter, it was his favourite one out of all the ones he had received during their time together, and he couldn’t remember how many times he had read it ever since he found it in his suitcase the day before. Three folded papers in an envelope, written: To you, my love. Open on valentines. He was so eager when it turned the 14th. Going for the letter in his suitcase the first thing he did, sitting down on his bed in his beloved hotel room. He read the letter out loud, feeling tears building up in his eyes. Yugyeom couldn’t believe how lucky he had gotten to find someone like her, and he got so mad at himself for now destroying everything they once had.

The last couple of weeks, months even, had been hell. Yugyeom had little to no happiness left at all. Everything in his life reminded him of her, and it didn’t help that he consistently thought of her. Her hair falling around her face and down her shoulders, her eyes looking at him with so much adoration and love that he blames himself for not noticing it earlier. He saw how her eyes became duller for every day that passed. Breaking her down bit by bit, until she herself was so broken that she couldn’t take it anymore. She had to leave, and he didn’t blame her. Yugyeom just hoped that he could have manned up and done something earlier. Because this pain that he is feeling right now? it is eating him alive.

He was grateful for the boys. They hade been there for him more than he ever could have thought. Taking him out for drinks, doing everything in their power to make him not think of her. Honestly, they all thought it was something that needed to happen, and they were happy that she left. But it was also their duty to be there for him, because even all of them were shocked to see him so heartbroken. Even though he deserved it for everything he put her through, they were starting to get worried for him. Some of them experiencing heartbreak themselves, understanding. But this was abnormal behaviour for their youngest member. They had never seen him so torn. So destroyed. All of them were so surprised when they arrived at his apartment that day. Only to find Yugyeom passed out on the couch, knuckles sore and bottles on the floor. It was in that moment, they knew. They knew that she had left him, and they knew that they had a long time coming. But none of them knew that it would turn out to this.

It wasn’t until six months later they thought he had moved on. Finally accepting the situation of her being gone. Six months being passed since his and her relationship ended, and they started to notice Yugyeom being back to his usual self. Happy, laughing, joking. But when they saw his happiness leaving him in less than a second, his body losing his soul as Yugyeom looked behind them in the restaurant they were in. Going from eating their food, enjoying their drinks and celebrating the new album to seeing him fall back into that deep hole he just got out of. It was at that moment they knew that she was there, and it was at that moment they knew that he still wasn’t over her. They turned around, noticing her standing there. A shocked and surprised expression clear on her features, and it was in that moment they knew. That she wasn’t over him.