#fix your menus prime!

[crowleysgirl56]

PSA to Aussie viewers wanting to watch A Very Royal Scandal on Prime and can’t find it (because I’ve been looking for the past 24 hours!)

Search for A Very English Scandal (staring Hugh Grant), click on the seasons drop down, then select season 3. That’s A Very Royal Scandal.

My god THAT IS SO DUMB! And so unfair to Michael Sheen! Stupid Prime, why you gotta fuck over our beloved Sheenie like that?!

Who knows maybe it’s like this elsewhere and not just in Australia. But considering Australia’s streaming can be so fucking dumb sometimes I wouldn’t be surprised if it was just us.

[toxictigertonic]

Alright, I've been cursed with new blorbos (don't worry DJ will always be my number one). Outlast trials has me in a chokehold, specifically Franco, but all the prime assets are running around in my brain causing problems. I'm subjecting you to my stupid food headcanons as a result:

COYLE

- This mother fucker drinks hot sauce. Like. Chugs the shit. You can't take him anywhere without him bringing a bottle of Tabasco.

- Takes his coffee black, but will add a little sugar if no one is looking. Can't let people know that he doesn't like plain black coffee.

- He feels like a big breakfast kinda guy, with all the fixings. If you took him to a diner that'd be what he'd get, no matter the time of day.

- Would he disgusted by energy drinks EXCEPT classic redbull. Now imagine this man hyped up on caffeine.

- Would still eat his scrambled eggs if he got shells in them. Would say some shit like "the shells put hair on your chest"

- Trusting this man to bake anything is a fire hazard, it doesn't matter if it's those pre cut cookie rolls, they're catching fire.

- Says he hates desserts then stares down a slice of pecan pie from across the room like it owes him money.

MOTHER GOOSEBERRY

- The only one I trust to cook tbh, and that's not saying much.

- If you took her to get coffee she'd get the sweetest thing on the menu (and Futterman would bitch and moan about it the whole time) or she'd get a chai latte. Futterman would demand a black coffee.

- I would trust her to make me an apple pie and then she'd put the drill in it bc the crust came out wrong.

- She feels like a woman who really likes jam. Maybe I am projecting but jam is cool.

- She will not touch an energy drink bc they taste bad to her, and bc Futterman would throw a fit about how bad they are for your teeth. No caffeine fueled death sprint for her, but based on her singing and the whole angel dust thing I don't think she needs it.

- I would make her pancakes she seems pretty cool.

- Likes the batter for desserts more than the finished products.

FRANCO

- God help us where do I begin

- On one hand I wanna say he makes some bomb ass Italian food. On the other hand I wanna say he burns cereal.

- Speaking of cereal, he's the kinda guy who let's his cereal turn to paste in the bowl before he eats it.

- Considering what we know about the wolf's milk drink, I'm frightened by this man's palette. Genuinely terrified.

- I think he would die if he tasted hot sauce. I think Coyle is aware of this fact and has plans.

- Give him an energy drink if you wanna see him start doing flips. He thinks they're gross but he's also like "fuck yeah pure sugar I love these"

- Likes his cookies so underdone that they're basically raw (me too chief)

- If you cooked him a homemade meal he'd cry while eating it. Then he'd get pissed because you made him cry.

- He's my little skrunkly doo so I'm feeding him wet plaster ❤️

If I'm wrong about anything bc it's actually stated in the lore I do not care tell Red Barrels to get their facts straight (/J I SWEAR)

I haven't had time to look at Gooseberry's or Coyle's lore so I don't know if they have some super important amazing cooking skills that I'm missing out on. Feel free to tell me if you think I'm wrong or have your own ideas about these idiots.

[blueteller]

Cale Trying to Order Slacker Life in a Restaurant

[Part 2 "spoiler" warning]

Fate: Good evening, welcome to Power Restaurant, may I take your order? Kim Rok Soo: Yes, I'd like to order some Slacker Life, please Fate: Hm…. We might be out of that… Wait, did you by any chance order Death Vow Curse (Light)? Kim Rok Soo: …no? I literally just got here- Fate: Oops, there must have been a mistake somewhere. Let me talk to my manager Kim Rok Soo: … Kim Rok Soo: (looks at his watch; 36 minutes passed) God of Death: Hello, I'm the current manager. So we might have mixed up your order with the White Star's… Kim Rok Soo: Well then- God of Death: We might be able to fix it if you exchange seats with Cale Henituse Kim Rok Soo: There's really no need- God of Death: Right this way, sir! Cale: …Okay? I guess this seat isn't so bad- Deruth: This seat comes with exclusive Count Heir Rights, would you like some? Cale: I'm really- Deruth: Excellent! I'm sure Basen won't mind Basen: Not at all, I wasn't hungry for Heir Rights anyway Cale: I didn't order any- Alberu: The sit next table offers free Prime Minister tea, if you're interested Cale: No thanks. But I'm seriously getting hungry (looks at the Menu) I might as well order a couple of Elemental Power side dishes… an extra Vitality salad… oh, Scamming Aura on discount, nice…! Eruhaben: What's this, you ordered 4 Elementary Dishes on your plate? Cale: It just kind of happened- Eruhaben: This won't do, this isn't healthy at all. You have to take supplementary 5th Earth Power to balance out your plate. As for the mineral deficiency… You should also replace that Fire Suppressing Water drink with some real Sky Eating Water. Cale: This is getting a bit much- Alberu: You requested the extra large Commander Steak too, right? Cale: Yes but- Wait. I thought I only ordered Temporary Commander's Small Nuggets-? Alberu: Nope, I'm pretty sure you ordered the full Commander of Two Continents Steak Cale: …let me speak with the manager again- White Star: I see, so you're the one who ordered all those dishes! I'm impressed! Are you hungry for some Dragon Slayer Legacy as well? Cale: (grossed out) I'm dead certain I am NOT-! God of Death: You called? Cale: Yes, I'd like to register a complaint- God of Death: Oh, we also recommend Saint's Signature Dish for today! Cage: Don't listen to him! Saint's Dish is total trash! They're not even serving alcohol with that!! Cale: Is anyone even listening to me-?! Clopeh: Sir, I brought you some Legendary Fame lemon tea!! Cale: Get this disgusting thing away from me! Sealed God: …Would you like bitter Demonification Noodles sir? Last chance to sign up, we're out of stock after this! White Star: W-wait, I ordered those-! Earth 3: Oi, was someone ordering an extra Commander's Stake around here? Xiaolen: (begging) Would you like some Purifier's Exaltation dessert? It's on the house! Central Plains: (puppy eyes) A-and, some Nature Realm Level sushi, i-if you don't mind... Cale: ….what the f*** is even happening anymore God of Balance: (shows up out of nowhere) ...What's this about someone messing around with too many orders? God of Death: Oh s***. The Power Executive is here-! God of Balance: (leans over Cale's seat from behind, menacingly) You should just order the Full Course Godly Ascension Dinner. Or ALL of those other dishes will land on your bill Cale: I… I... I just wanted some Slacker Life… God of Hope: (pats his shoulder) Cale… They never servered Slacker Life here in the first place… Cale: ... Cale: (┛ಠ_ಠ)┛彡┻━┻

[evol-astraea]

Desperate PC Tenno calling for help!

Calling all the tech-savvy players here on Tumblr who may hopefully lend me and tech support a hand. Yes, the situation is that bad. More under the cut to spare a lengthy wall of text!

I've been experiencing totally random and sudden crashes with WF since a month and half, by now.

The game first freezes for less than a minute, then crashes to desktop bringing up the window to report crashes. This happens literally anywhere and anytime in the game. During mission, at the end of the mission, while idling in the Orbiter/base of operations, sitting in the pause menu, checking the settings menu. All kind of possible scenarios. Ah, and DX11 or DX12 make no difference either.

It's driving me - and tech support - insane. Because it is so HARD to pinpoint the root cause! Every log file so far has reported some kind of General Protection Failure (GPF) error followed by different numbers.

I'm running the game on a brand new, pre-built computer from Megaport. Which I moved to from my old potato of a PC back in late November. Specs are the following: Windows 11 Home (build 24H2) Intel Core I7-12700KF, 8x 3.60 Ghz + 4x 2.70 Ghz ASUS Prime Z790-A Wifi DDR5 NVidia GeForce RTX 4070 Dual Palit 12GB 2x 32GB Corsair Vengeance RGB DDR5-6000 1 TB SSD 1000 Watt PSU

I have done everything tech support has suggested me to do and: - Uninstalled and re-installed the game, - Update drivers. Being a new computer, everything is pretty much up to date. I had to do a clean install for the GPU drivers only using DDU, though, - Verified game files, - Emptied the shader cache on the drive game is saved to, - Repaired Steam library, - Lowered graphic settings, - Attempted to launch and run Warframe in Clean Boot mode to exclude background programs/services <- unsuccessfully; Steam didn't work at all (which I kind of figured would happen) and trying to launch the game straight from the launcher...triggered a download of the game files in the App Data folder on main (C) drive. O_o The random crashes don't even appear in the Windows Event Viewer. Nowhere to be found. And believe me, I have looked into every single category. I've been keeping track of the time(s) of the crashes but, alas, found nothing that could possibly be related to those. (also, I'm not a computer expert so perhaps I'm doing things wrong)

So far, the only weird thing I've noticed is...Most of the times there seemingly is a "break" in between each series of crashes. A few days at worst, 10-12 days at best. Yes, I checked even the Task Scheduler utility on Windows. Found no program/app that runs automatically that matches with the timing/days when the crashes have occurred so far.

Really losing my mind to this. It's frustrating, it's unnerving, it's making me genuinely terrified of playing the game. And the reason I got this PC in the first place was being finally able to play my favorite game without worrying about being unable to because of my old (and obsolete) machine! Because I don't know when the next crash shall decide to happen and oh boy it's gonna be so fun losing progress. Or having a couple of players reasonably angry at me for suddenly poofing as host. I'm really sorry about that, folks.

I'm already considering the option of total formatting this computer, should there be no other way. But not before entirely giving up. And maybe make things a little less complicated for tech support team.

I can't thank these guys enough for their help and most importantly patience over the past month and half. This mess has been handed to three different people already and a solution hasn't been found yet.

So, if there are fellow Tenno on Tumblr who have either experienced something like this before and found a fix or are just more knowledgeable about computers and whatnot, your help would be GREATLY appreciated. ;.;

EDIT: I forgot to mention a few important things! - Hardware temperatures are within optimal range while in game (CPU never above 65°C, GPU has been running ice cold and has rarely exceeded 50°C so far, RAM is chilling at 45°C average). - GPU memory usage averages around at max (peak) 77% on HWInfo. - CPU usage I honestly need to check! D: - Ran disk cleanup, scans with sfc, chkdsk and DISM (all through command prompts ran as admin) and no issues were found. - Checked RAM health as well with Windows' memory diagnostic tool. However, it seems to give many false positives even on perfectly functional RAM banks. Looking for a more reliable alternative. - Warframe is the only game that keeps crashing on this PC. I haven't been getting any with other games/programs (Hades II; need to test how Ultrakill performs) or any warning signs (BSODs, freezes, sluggish PC, etc) that could suggest hardware failure.

[cool-cowboy]

Summary:

In which an android Leon reveals some features to his model you were not aware of beforehand, then gives you a prime example of how he's better than a human man. I have no idea where this came from, just popped into my head and I figured someone out there would enjoy, so yeah, enjoy!

Tags:

Android Leon S. Kennedy, Obsession, Dominant Leon S. Kennedy, Master/Servant, alternate universe, Dirty talk, grinding, overstimulation, forced orgasm, babbling, crying

Blurb:

“I just… Didn’t know you had… Those kind of features.”

“Sorry. You’ve never expressed feelings of lust before, only now your heart rate is picking up, perspiration levels above average... Would you like me to enable sexual interaction in the options menu?”

Text:

“Leon, I’m home!” I tuck my shoes into their little spot beside the door, shucking off my jacket and leaving it on its hook, wandering through and into the family room, spotting him, standing perfectly still along the wall, blue neon swirling around his eyes, the only tell I get when an update is underway, other than his lack of response. I decide to leave him be, walking off into the kitchen, getting my things ready to cook supper, the lighting brighter than I like it in the evening, my trusty android friend not awake to employ my usual light and ambience settings, the quiet a little disturbing when I’m so used to the light music he puts on when I arrive home.

I cook in relative silence, making a meal for one, missing the chatter of my robot companion, curious to hear about his update, why it’s taking so long. It’s not traditional, the purpose I have for owning a device like him, usually they’re nothing but a housekeeper, someone to take care of the home and complete menial tasks, but I don’t find that useful, just enjoy having someone around, a friend, something like that. I’ve never assigned him a task, but he craves it, gives himself objectives if I can’t, tries his hardest to cater to my needs even if I don’t speak them.

I sit down with my meal, eating in quiet, seated at my little island, his chair empty, the space a little cooler than I like it. I’m bored, never used to quiet anymore, not with my constant companion making sure to keep conversation flowing, his devotion to me seeming more real than it probably is, his care programmed into him, but there nonetheless. He’s been speaking about feelings lately, if he’s capable, something that would usually get him sent in for a reset, but I don’t mind, and I do think he’s capable, his mind is superhuman after all.

“There you are.” He’s human, on the outside, looks perfectly believable, could walk around with me and have no one suspect he isn’t a normal man, the only difference what’s on the inside, some mechanical shit I have no idea how to explain, and AI that lets him know what I’m thinking, his intelligence unmatched, his mind full of anything I could ever want to know.

“How was the update?” He takes his seat beside me, straight-backed, his formality with his mannerisms something that took me a while to get used to, his speech slowly morphing to mimic mine, a comfort thing programmed into all androids to give a sense of familiarity, comfort with something often viewed as subhuman. His eyes glow blue, ready to rattle off the specs he’s downloaded, his voice a little more robotic than usual, his script taking him over.

“Update 16.2b, major tweaks under the belt, more realistic orgasm simulation, bugs fixed regarding the timed orgasm system, facial expressions refined, new commands available, more realistic erection phases, see more online at Update dot my android dot net.” I sit there, mouth gaping, not sure at all what to say to all that, never even thought about using my friend in that way, was never told I could, if I did want to. “Is something wrong?” I set my fork down, pushing my plate back, my appetite gone, some unwarranted butterflies fluttering around in my stomach.

“I just… Didn’t know you had… Those kind of features.” He looks at me, eyes flashing blue, scanning my vitals, something that used to seriously creep me out, but doesn’t bother me much anymore, it’s habitual, a way for him to see how I’m feeling, get truths I’m not willing to give.

“Sorry. You’ve never expressed feelings of lust before, only now your heart rate is picking up, perspiration levels above average.” I don’t say anything, embarrassed he can tell so much about me, know my curious wants against my wishes. “Would you like me to enable sexual interaction in the options menu?” I can’t answer, too busy freaking out in my head, his blue eyes back to normal, still seeking information, always, gaze flitting over my face, small movements of my hands, his inspection leaving me on edge.

“So… You can feel pleasure?” I’m curious, though I’ve never wanted to use him, in any capacity, just wanted someone around, company, not a lover, especially not one who’s not in control of their own actions, autonomy not something he has much of, other than the settings I could turn off to let him have a little free reign, giving him permission to mill about while I’m gone, do as he pleases. He’s staring at me, head cocked, brows furrowed a little, his expression terribly human, inspecting me, trying his hardest to deduce my thoughts, his pointer finger drawing out calculations absently on the countertop as they run through his head.

“Not technically, pleasure is a chemical reaction, my form is just a simulation. I do feel it, the receptors go off when I complete a task. It’s new in update 14.6a, meant to be a better drive to please the owner. I assume you mean sexual pleasure, though. I can simulate it, up until orgasm, mostly realistic, other than the secretion part.” I have no idea why I’m just now hearing about this, most people would probably jump on the opportunity to have a partner so in tune with their body, literally able to do a scan and know what you need.

“Do you enjoy it, though? You want to?” He looks at me, my eyes, not doing any scanning, just looking at me, giving me a few seconds of quiet anticipation.

“You’re important to me, whether it’s programming or not, you’re attractive and a pleasant person, so I'd guess it would be enjoyable to please you in a more personal way, but I know you mean it differently… It’s not a craving I have, to satisfy myself, I mean, only to please you, in any way you see fit.” I swallow, his eyes flitting down, gazing at my hands, fisted and pressed to my thighs. It’s a moral dilemma, using something so intelligent for my own gain, but I suppose it can’t be too terrible, he’d get the equivalent of an orgasm, plus whatever pleased feeling he gets from making me happy. “You seem interested. I will turn on sexual activity permissions in the options menu.” Damn his autonomy, I may have went too far, allowing him access to his own options, his eyes glowing blue as he sinks into his own brain, flipping on whatever part of him has been dormant all this time before returning to me, his expression normal, no different than my usual Leon, casual, doting.

“You did it?” He nods, scanning me, not at all put off by my nervousness, looking at me again, a little more intense than usual, trying to figure me out.

“How was work?” I wonder if I have to initiate it, ask him for it. It would be preferable, though I don’t think I’ll ever use this hidden feature if he doesn’t just jump me, but that doesn’t seem fitting, he’s too soft spoken, reserved.

“Good, I got a new account today, diamonds, the commission is gonna be insane.” He seems pleased, a little whirring sound similar to a hum rumbling in his chest as he stands, moving to take care of my dish, no prompt necessary. I used to feel bad about it, but he really doesn’t mind, lives to care, I guess.

“That’s great. I sent over the files you asked for, they’re under 6.24.5 in the main folder.” I nod, glad he could locate them, my own search not going very well, the information integral to a company I’ve been assigned. He sets the dishes out once he’s done washing, set neatly in their little drying rack, his body moving swiftly back around the counter, his hand ghosting across the back of my shoulders making me flinch, not used to any casual touches between us, the only contact he really ever initiates is caring for any wounds he detects, little cuts, things like that. “You’re aroused, would you like me to-”

“You don’t have to.” My cheeks are flaming, thighs tight together, embarrassment hot on my skin, the light aroused feeling flaring now that he’s brought attention to it. He steps beside me, turning my chair around to face him, slotting himself between my knees, a light touch on my jaw drawing my eyes up, light blue trained on me, his forwardness dizzying, unexpected when I’m so used to his usual self.

“You’re uncomfortable, I can release that tension.” He runs his hand down my neck, smoothing over my shoulder, his touch light, my small shiver prompting him to squeeze a little, the warmth of his skin unexpected, even if I did know it was there, another human feature to make him more real. “You don’t need to worry about if I’d like to. I do, you know I live to please you.” That gets me, his voice lower than usual, a rough, sensual quality to it, his willingness not unexpected, but still shocking. He has a hand on my knee, inching up, almost too slow to notice, his other sliding back up my neck to keep my eyes on him, eye contact something he's always been a fan of, picked it up from conversations and my own mannerisms, is now using it to ruin me, make me nervous.

“I don’t know…” It’s weird, to proposition him in this way, even if it isn’t my idea, allowing it is still on me, my commands headed without any pushback, unless my decision is stupid, then he tells me all the reasons I’m wrong. He hums, sliding his hand back into my hair, his palm a little rough, his eyes peering down at me, a little lower than normal, all of him drawing me in, his actions and words and expression undeniably sexy, which makes sense, considering he has the entire internet and more at his disposal.

“I have to admit, I am curious. It’s my nature, I guess, but I wanna try it, feel the way humans do, engage in something so sought after.” He’s very convincing, convincing enough for me to refrain from stopping him when he starts to lean down, thumb pressing under my jaw to tilt my head up, hand on my lower thigh squeezing. He takes his time, watching my reaction, leaning in slow, his chest heaving with even breaths, his lips parted, close to mine. “Grant me sexual autonomy.” He’s never asked, never expected any of his autonomy settings, other than this one, I guess, not that I mind, I’d prefer he had it, didn’t do anything out of his control, revert into his more robotic self to fulfill my wishes.

“Turn on sexual autonomy in the options menu.” His eyes flash blue, his body going rigid, only for a moment, before he’s back, looking at me, seeming eager, searching my eyes for any sign of disapproval, finding none. He runs his hand further up my leg, eyes cast down to the contact, his lips parted, almost awed.

“Your skin is… Soft. Feels fuzzy, you’re so warm…” His processes are going haywire, I can see it on his face, his mind racing to keep up with what he’s doing, digging through all the information he has to do a good job. “I’ve never felt like this before, this kind of pleasure is different, like it’s for me.” He’s not meant to have feelings, of any kind, but he does, in his own way, lets his mood depend on his helpfulness, even if I’ve urged and convinced him to see himself as his own being, he’s not wired that way.

“It is… I don’t- uh, It’s about you too, okay?” He hums, the low whir in his chest making me smile, one of the few things that reminds me he’s a machine. He moves, tentative, his hand slipping further up my thigh, fingers holding onto my hair, pulling gently when his lips meet mine, plush and smooth, his kiss gentle, unsure, none of the information he has able to tell him the best way to go about this. I move against him, setting a little faster of a pace, letting my hand slide up his stomach, his shaky exhale breathed against my lips.

“Tell me what you like.” He presses his forehead to mine, looking at me, lips and cheeks flushed, his hand hot on my thigh. He can’t take it, not being fully prepared for everything, having to figure things out as they come, his algorithmic brain not able to work through something he has no expertise on. “Don’t just look at me, tell me what you want me to be.” His brows are drawing together, analyzing, trying to figure it out before I even reply.

“What do you wanna be?” He has a personality, one to suit mine, of course, but he never asked for it, developed it, like a child growing up. I don’t want him to play a role, he must have some sort of instinct on how to act, how to be without me commanding him.

“I don’t know.” He’s never not known, he’s a genius, of course, knows everything there is to know, figures out anything he doesn’t. He looks pained, searching my eyes for an answer I can’t give, his hand tracing his equations into my skin. “All I know is I want you… I wanna see you fall apart, make you feel good, be the best lover you could ask for.” I kiss him, bringing my arms up around his neck, drawing him closer between my legs, his pleased hum making me smile, a good reaction from him, real, not asked for, just genuine feeling. His hand slips further up my leg, up to squeeze gently over my hip, feeling me, not looking to please, just letting himself do what he wants, exploring one of the few things he doesn’t know much about, his own form of pleasure. He follows my lead, moving plush lips against mine, the feeling insanely real, the heat of him a little higher than usual, his body heating up in response to my touch, my hands dug into soft locs of hair, pulling gently to separate his lips from mine, his mouth pressing to mine in one last, feverish kiss before he pulls back, eyes wide, wild with untapped pleasure.

“Is this okay?” He nods, swallowing, his lips parting to draw in heavy breaths, his hand sliding up my side, hot over my shirt, his warmth making me both soft and want to squirm.

“Yes, feels good. This is… I never imagined I could feel like this. It’s you, I’m not supposed to feel desire, this isn’t in my programming… Don’t reset me, I’ll be good, swear. I won’t deviate, I just… This is not in the script…” He seems stumped, frustrated at his lack of understanding what’s going on inside him, but I suppose he isn’t meant to have this much freedom, live like a normal person, other than the fact he has no need for a job, and is a machine.

“Leon? It’s okay to feel, okay? You’re not a toaster, yeah?” He laughs, low and rough, shaking his head, some of the robotic tension leeching from him. “Stop thinking so much.” He nods, eyes flashing blue, returning to normal when he blinks it away. “Sorry.” I didn’t mean to command him, but he doesn’t mind, it happens all the time, and he’s happy to oblige, anyways.

“It’s okay… Should we… Continue?” I gulp, and he leans back in, kissing me the way I like, learning quickly, as always, his big hand sliding up my back, fingers teasing at the hem of my shirt before slipping up my spine, my back arching at the gentle touch, his little pleased noise vibrating against my lips. The chair isn’t very comfortable, and my neck is straining from him standing over me, and he knows it, parting his lips from mine and tilting my jaw back down, forcing me to look up at him through my lashes, his expression sinful, eyes low, lips lightly parted, all of him hot, his skin warmer than mine. “You’re uncomfortable.” I nod, not very happy he paused to say that, but glad he cares enough to not leave me in discomfort. “I’ll take you to your room.” He pulls me up out of my chair by my ass, letting my legs drape over his hips, a sizable erection between us, one of his arms holding me up, the other holding my head still as he dips down, kissing at my neck, slow and sweet, his lips spit-slick. He’s walking, letting himself move through the space without looking, letting out a pleased rumble when I exhale a shaky breath.

“Leon, you don’t have to be so gentle…” He groans, the sound low and guttural, his lips pressing a little more feverishly to my skin, his hand squeezing my ass, the other slipping up the back of my shirt, smoothing up my skin, ticklish, making me arch into him, my chest pressed to his, his happy sigh hot on my skin. He leans me back, supporting my weight until I’m laid out on my bed, him on his knees between my legs, scanning, eyes flashing bright before he closes them, ignoring his instinct to run his hands up my thighs, peering down at my face, pushing up on the hem of my shirt, exposing my stomach, his lips coming down to skim up my thigh, one hand on the outside of my knee, holding it still, his lips warm and wet as he trails them up, his eyes on mine, his free hand finding my hip, pressing me into the mattress as he makes his way to my stomach, kissing across the waist of my pants, up toward my belly button, watching me, holding me still with gentle, nonaggressive pressure.

“I need you to tell me… Wanna be good for you… Feels good to make you feel good. I can’t figure it all out, you told me not to think…” He’s a little out of it, not nearly as composed as usual, eyes hazy, movements a little less practiced, but still confident, what information he does have allowing him to not be too unsure of himself. I push him, frowning at his questioning look, forgetting he’s a mostly immovable object.

“Get off.” He pulls back, sitting back on his heels, looking at me with wide eyes, flashing blue, then normal, none of the lust that was there a second ago visible, either put on pause or diminished due to my command.

“Sorry. I’m trying, I just don’t know-”

“Get on your back.” He does, drops down beside me, laid out flat, looking a little silly, considering I’ve never seen him in a bed, he usually sleeps standing, just shuts down for the night, doesn’t need any comfort. I turn over, taking a turn sitting up over him, one knee slotted between his legs, watching him, liking how unsure he looks, something I’ve never seen from him, one thing that separates him from a human. “You still want this?” I feel like I’m coercing him, even if I’m not, his mind far more developed than mine, if anything. I let my fingers trail up his thigh, his jeans rough on my fingers, his faux muscles tensing under my light touch.

“Yes. I’ve never wanted anything, besides this. It’s… Exhilarating, you’re so pretty above me.” My mouth pops open, not at all expecting his compliment, or his hand on my hip, pressing me down over his clothed leg, putting pressure on my clit, the action so forward I nearly gasp.

“Didn’t know dirty talk was part of the programming…” I watch my fingers, pushing up on the bottom of his tee, ghosting my fingers up the skin of his stomach, his abs tight and hot under my touch, his body reacting so intensely, wound up from such a simple touch.

“It’s not. You asked me to be honest.” I did, months ago, when he lied, about nothing important, but still, I see no need for it, at least from him. I nod, wetting my lips and leaning down, pressing them lightly just below his belly button, watching his face, expression back to the hazy, needy one he was giving me a few minutes ago. “Can I..?” He uses his grip on my hip to grind me against his thigh, pushing it up a little further between my legs, offering delicious pressure, the roughness of fabric between us a little shocking.

“Yeah. Do what you want.” He’s sat up on one elbow, watching me, kissing down, skimming my lips along toward his hip, my hand gripped to the waist of his pants, slipping down, fingertips gliding over his erection making him flinch, the low whirring coming back, rumbling through his chest for a few seconds, his hand gently rocking me against him. “Feel good?” He clenches his jaw, looking worried, brows drawn low and together, his eyes barely open, cloudy with lust.

“Yes, too good, I’m overheating, you feel so good, you’re hands are-” He cuts himself off with a choked noise, eyes squeezed closed and his head tipped back, my hand palming him over his pants, offering a little relief in whatever form of pleasure he gets, a strong one, judging by his reaction.

“Sensitive, huh?” He drags my hips a little rougher, eliciting a small, groaned out noise from me, seeming pleased with himself when I open my eyes, his lips pulled up in a little smile, eyes cast down at his leg between my thighs.

“You can turn down sensitivity in the options menu, would you like me to-”

“No. Don’t change anything, stay just like this…” I press my hand more firmly to him, grinding my palm into him, his hips shifting below me making me smile, his breathing a little erratic. His leg is trembling, only the one between my legs, vibrating almost, making me let out a shaky breath. “Wha- Are you-?” He huffs out a laugh, nodding, slamming his head back into the pillow when I grind my hand into him, rough, gripping him through his pants and jerking it, squeezing him, his low groan heavenly.

“Update 12.6a- I have lots of perks. No human can-ah- match up.” He punctuates his words by turning up the vibration, my body slumping, back hunched a little from how harsh it is, before he turns it back down, a little more gentle, other than how roughly hes grinding me against his thigh. “Let me take these off.” He pulls on the waist of my pants, deft fingers moving to unbutton them, undoing the zipper, his free hand coming down to ease them over my hips, his upper body sitting up, and arm around my waist pulling me up enough to get them down my legs, my feet kicking until they tumble to the floor. He takes it in, me sitting in front of him, his hands sliding up my thighs, thumbs teasing under the sides of my panties before continuing up. “You’re gorgeous… I’m so lucky, having a master as good as you.” I clench my thighs around him, gazing up into his eyes, loving the way he’s looking at me, like I’m the only thing on earth, at least the only one that matters. He’s pushing up on my shirt, looking into my eyes as he eases it up, pausing until I lift my arms, giving him permission, letting him pull it up and over my head, his eyes dipping down as he tosses it away, his hands sliding up my sides.

“Don’t you think you should take something off?” He doesn’t reply, just drags my leg up over his hip, straddling me over him, his lips skimming my collar bone, his breathing quick, hands sliding around to drag down my back, resting just above my ass, grinding me into him, his low groan hot on my skin. “C’mon, let me take this off.” I pull on his shirt, and he relents, pulling back and doing it for me, going back to what he was doing, kissing his way down from my collar bone, sucking gently on the skin above my bra, taking my low sigh as my assent, sucking the skin into his mouth and using an arm around my waist to hold me firmly against him, his hand still on my hip working me into his erection, which seems to be getting bigger, slotted nicer against me, giving me intense friction, his jeans rough against my panties.

“Feels so good… You’re so good… Your heart rate is higher than I’ve ever recorded, your body is responding so nicely. Love making you feel good.” He moans, for real, the sound nothing like the whirring hum of his groans, more human, wanton and needy, enjoying himself. “So pretty… Is there anything I can do better?” He’s a little breathless, turning us over and easing me down onto my back, looming over me, one hand rested beside my head, the other gripped to the outside of my thigh, keeping it hooked over his hip. “Is there?” I forgot to respond, too busy staring at him above me, looking so big, strong, his strength never something I thought about before, other than that he was stronger than me.

“Just… Enjoy yourself.” His muscles relax, his expression soft, none of the usual intensity behind his eyes, his elbow bending to bring his lips to mine, his body heating further, not used to all this excitement, his body humming with quiet energy. He’s grinding into me, hips sliding perfectly against me, the drag along my clit drawing a low moan out of me. “Le- Take these off.” I’m pulling at his pants, working the button until he takes over, clumsily shoving his pants down his legs, letting his head tuck down into my neck to free up his other hand, kicking his pants off and onto the floor.

“You take this off.” He sits up on his elbow, nosing and kissing at the side of my throat, pulling on my bra. I laugh, his pleased whirring tickling me, his hand running down my stomach.

“You do it, bossy.” He groans, pressing his hand back behind me, unclipping it much easier than I thought he would, not bothering to sit up to pull it down my arms, his mouth running down from my throat, mouth closing over a nipple, tongue lathing over it, his eyes peering up at me, his eyes low and pleased. He moans, vibrating against me, sucking where his lips are latched to my skin, his hand running up my thigh to press his thumb to my clit, surprising me, his lips pulling from my skin when I flinch, eyes on mine as he kisses his way to the opposite side, rubbing gently up and down over my panties.

“Feels good? I hope so… Let’s get these off.” He sits up, gripping onto the sides of my panties, staring at me as he pulls them down, tossing them off to the side and settling back down over me, nosing my head to the side to mouth at my throat, pressing his lips to my pulse, bringing his thumb back to my clit, rubbing soft circles. “Mmh, there we go, I’ll take good care of you, make you feel so good you’ll never need anyone else. You’re doing so good, looking so perfect and letting me please you…” He kisses his way back up, pressing his lips to mine, wet and open-mouthed, not messy, but needy, rushed, his thumb moving a little quicker against me, giving a little more pressure, my legs starting to shake. “There you go, you’re nearly there, oxytocin levels are skyrocketing, go ahead, want you to finish, let me see how pretty you are when you really feel it.” I moan, squirming against him, my orgasm coming, his face pulling a little further back to look at me, smiling, his expression a mix of lusty and pleased. “C’mon, give it to me, want you to feel good, finish from my fingers-” He doesn’t mind my nails digging into my arms, just works me through it, thumb light on my clit, his eyes on mine, watching me squirm and tilt my head back, the sensation becoming too much, his thumb pulling away the second it does.

“Shit, let me have a turn.” I shove at him, huffing a laugh when he feigns being pushed over, laid out on his back in his underwear, waiting on me to give him direction. I run my hand up his leg, gripping the band of his underwear and pulling down, getting them off and getting rid of them before kissing my way up his thigh, looking at him, the anticipation getting to him, his lips parted, brows pulled down and together.

“I don’t need this.” It would leave a bruise on my ego, if I didn’t know he’s just being honest, not that I care if he needs it, only if he wants it. “I don’t want to waste your time, I don’t require any type of foreplay.” I frown, kissing his base, peering at him over his dick, which is hanging heavy over his stomach.

“Can you get off like this?” I wrap my hand around him, smiling when he flinches, his dick twitching in my hand. I work it over him, keeping it slow, waiting on his reply, his eyes hazy with swirls of blue, systems crashing briefly before he’s back, letting out a light moan, carding a hand through my hair.

“No, I- The orgasm simulation can only progress if I’m inside, and you’re finishing too.” I hum, stroking a little rougher, tilting my head at him when he groans, his hips shifting, the pleasure a little too much, his expression almost fearful.

“It feels good, though?” He nods, head leaning back and eyes closed, letting me do what I want, enjoying himself, just like I asked. “Good.” I wait until he’s opened his eyes back up to lick from base to tip, closing my mouth around him and sinking down, his heady moan mouthwatering, really, drool coating his dick when I pull back up, watching him, his eyes hazy, his hand pulling at my hair when I suck him in again, bobbing up and down.

“Nnh- hey, do you want me to- I can-” He presses his knee up between my legs, rubbing it against me, making me moan around his dick. “There… Perfect…” He sounds pleased, whatever tension was plaguing him loosening now that he sees himself as being of use, rubbing his knee against my clit, offering some relief from the arousal he’s sparked inside with this new, needier self. “Do you wanna finish like this? I understand the usual progression would have me inside by now-”

“Shit, okay. Let’s get to it, then, if you don’t wanna take your time.” I sit up over him, looking at him, shuffling my way up until I’m hovering over his lap, his eyes on me as he sits up, his hands on my waist, his chest heaving.

“You’re ready?” I nod, waiting patiently as he reaches down, eyes hazy, aligning himself and pulling me slowly down onto him by my waist, the stretch less than painful, more than comfortable, not quite as snug as he could be. I’m a little above his face when he bottoms out, eyes swirling with blue for a few seconds before he blinks it away, shaking the heaviness out of his head, looking up at me and coming closer, holding me against him, keeping me seated on his dick as he kisses me, sloppier, messy and needy, my arms wrapped around his neck, his dick twitching and filling me a little fuller, the odd sensation making me pull back to give him a questioning look. “A perfect fit.” He doesn’t seem bothered, so I let the disturbed feeling settle, attempting to pull up off him, but big hands hold me still, keeping himself seated fully inside, melded to the walls, truly a perfect fit. “Let me stay like this, just for a minute… I like this, being impossibly close, feeling you in a way not many people get to…” He goes back to kissing, running his hands down to grip my hips, lifting me slowly up, letting me drop back down over him, his low groan breathed against my lips.

“Can I-”

“Let me do it.” I sigh, relenting, his hands lifting me up and sliding me back down, slow, keeping eye contact, pleased I’m giving him the choice, considering how easy it is to get him to do whatever I want. He keeps the slow pace, staring at my face, seeming pleased, his expression a mix of pleasure and calculativeness, trying to figure out the best way to finish me off, I suppose. “I’ll speed up soon, build-up is important, I don’t wanna deny you what you deserve, wanna be good…” He’s moving too slow, giving enough to fill me up, but not to do much else.

“I already came, Leon, build-up is irrelevant.” He nods, furrowing his brows and speeding up, keeping his grip firm, not letting me bounce, but bouncing me, keeping his eyes on mine, a low moan passing his lips when I clench around him, his pace quickening a little more, slaps of skin to skin sounding in my room adding a layer of intensity, his thumb pressing back to my clit prompting me to let my head lean back, a low, drawn out moan escaping him at the sight.

“You feel so nice inside, so warm, squeezed tight around me… God, this is the best I’ve ever felt, you feel good too, oxytocin is increasing-nnh- how many more times can you finish? Three? I’ll give you three more, wanna see you near tears, all from how good it feels.” He’s feverish, losing his usual stoicness, speaking rushed and breathless, his chest heaving, his hand working me over him, squeezing the fat of my ass, angling his hips further up, the drag along my insides unexpected, making me moan and drop my forehead to his shoulder, sweaty, searing hot on my skin. I’m shaking, letting him work me over him, letting out pleasured noises along with him, his face now tucked into the crook of my neck. “You’re getting worked up quick… I won’t even need the vibration, you’re almost ready, so tight, making such pretty sounds for me…” He holds me up, pausing, leaning back on one hand and dragging my upper body along with him, thrusting up into me, much quicker than he could’ve worked me over him, making me whine into his neck, spit slicking his skin, his hips slamming up into me, hands slipping up to my back to hold me in place so he can fuck into me, his voice getting higher, whinier. “There, now-ah, this is one out of three, so- so you still have two more after this, need you to finish, wet my dick some more, you’re shaking so nice, good thing I’m strong enough to hold you still…” I’ve never heard him curse before, I guess he’s doing his homework on dirty talk mid deed, his background processes doing him well, his words before now not all that enticing with his usual wording.

“Did you-

“Yes, wanted to be good, am I? Shit, tell me I’m good, wanna be good for you, make you feel so good you can’t think. You’re all I think about, you know that? You’re everything to me, I need to please you, make you cum all over my dick a few times before I’m finished.” I moan, shaking embarrassingly violently, nearly there, his dick filling me a little fuller, thrusts a little more needy, rutting up into me, making me whine into his shoulder, orgasm approaching, his nonstop thrusts working me up. “That’s it, gonna make you feel good, please you, have you soaking me, out of it from how good it feels, cumming on me over and fucking over.” My orgasm is shocking, the second I clamp down on him he presses me back down, holding me as I squirm and moan into his neck, grinding into me, stretching it out, pulling out of me once I still, guiding me to lay on my stomach, my body slumping down, ready for rest, until I feel hands pulling up on my hips, lifting me up to rest on my knees, chest and side of my face still pressed to the sheets.

“What are you..?” He presses inside, keeping it slow, aware I’m still coming down from my orgasm, his hands gently rocking me against him.

“This position is good for deep penetration, and I figured your legs were getting tired.” He speaks plainly, like he isn’t on his way to giving me my third orgasm in a couple minutes, his hips speeding up a little once he’s sure I can take it, his hands squeezing on my hips, rough and warm and big. “I’ll know when you’re satisfied, I’ll initiate the orgasm simulation when you’re ready.” He speaks matter of factly, and it would be funny, if he wasn’t fucking me into my mattress, low moans escaping me, my mind swimming, fuzzy and mushy, his hips noisy against me, his upper body folding over me, an arm around my waist pulling me into hars thrusts, his noises muffled into my shoulder blade, his lips kissing and sucking wherever he can reach. “Feels good? Well, I know it-shit- It does. Just- If there’s another-ah- something you prefer…” I let out a noise I hope sounds negative, succumbing to the numb, hazy pleasure, taking what he gives, his noises going higher, near the end of the line, if he could cum without having to initiate it, that is. “So- pretty-! You feel so good, pulling me in, letting me give you all you can-hah- take…” I’m nearly there, my third orgasm coming, the pleasure turning nearly painful, good in an awful, striking way, my legs trembling harshly, his fingers sneaking down to rub at my clit, his moan loud against me when I clench, muscles going tight, so close, my orgasm almost refusing to come. “Come on, quit holding yourself back, you can do it, you’ve had plenty of time. You’ve got it, you’re right there, just squeeze this sweet pussy on me, let me feel it, yeah, there you go, that’s it, fucking whining for it, you sound so damn good…” He fucks me through it, again, keeps his hold around my waist when I try to escape, the sensations too much, my low groan finally getting him to pull out, turning me over and giving me a break by capturing my lips, kissing me feverishly, pressing his knees up under my hips and leaning over me, his dick brushing agoinst me drawing a low whine out of me.

“No more, Leon, no more… I’m finished…” He pulls back, looking me over, eyes flashing blue, his look pensive.

“No you’re not.” He pushes inside, my low groan ignored, his eyes on me, watching me. “You think you can’t- handle more, but you can, can take this one and another, I’ll keep you cumming until you really can’t take it.” He doesn’t thrust, lets me finish coming down, kissing me and keeping a finger against my pulse, waiting for it to slow down before moving, both of us moaning at the drag of him inside.

“Just this one… I don’t want another.” I couldn’t take it, honestly, I’m already entirely fucked out, nearly unresponsive as he rocks inside, grinding up on his way out, my overstimulated nerves making me moan, painful pleasure still somehow enjoyable, even if I am trying to convince him I’ve had enough.

“No, you can take it. I know what you need, know you better than you know yourself.” He does, in a way, knows about my inner workings and psychology and the like, but I know this is killing me, tears in my eyes, his body too big and immovable for me to stop him from taking care of me, forcing me to finish the amount of times he sees fit. “Gonna make sure you’re satisfied, show you how good I am, how good I can be for you…” I’m shaking already, way too worked up, orgasms fading into a hazy pleasure, everything a blanket of hot and muggy sweetness, his lips meeting mine making me moan, his hips working into me, another orgasm well on its way with his relentless actions. “This one then another, okay? You can take it.” I pull him back, looking into his eyes, trying to focus, tears blurring my vision, my eyes half closed from how good it feels, how intense and terrifyingly good this is.

“Leon, begin-shit- begin orgasm simulation-!” He groans, head tucking down to my neck, his hips working more purposefully, all of him hot against me, a thumb working at my clit making me jerk, squirming away, but he keeps me still, working us both up, his noisiness gaining volume, making me almost worried the neighbors will hear.

“That’s- I wasn’t done, sneaky-ah- girl. Fuck, feels so good, love making you feel good, being good for my-nnh- Master-!” I moan, usually adverse to the title, but my hazy brain loves it, too full of him to really mind, letting him send me toward my final orgasm, if only to chase his, though that’s not the case, considering I have to get off for him to. “Shit, please, can’t-ah- Take anymore-! I’m fuckin’ overloading, you feel too good, squeezing me so tight, hot and wet and-Nnh-! Please, give it to me, let me please you one more time, it hurts, need you to cum, trap me inside and-” He whines, burying his face in my neck and fucking me through it, twitching inside the second I squeeze around him, his whiny moan drawing a pleased noise out of me as he slows, pulling out after a few more seconds, not moving to force anymore out of me, just kissing lightly up the side of my neck, easing himself up onto a hand to look at me, eyes flashing blue.

“Are you scanning for your performance right now?” He smiles, almost coy, pressing his hand to my skin, taking my vitals, not even trying to be subtle.

“Course. I meant it when I said I live to please.”

[radnewworld]

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[physalian]

IngramSpark: Good or Nah?

I decided to work with them last minute to set my book up for success, and, in case they screwed me over, I could hate them in a properly informed manner.

So!

IngramSpark (IGS) vs. Amazon (KDP) so far: A detailed comparison.

Spoiler Alert: FUCK INGRAMSPARK

Alrighty these are two proof copies (author copies) of the exact same book made with the exact same PDFs. IGS is on the left in all pics.

Stuff to note:

The IGS copy is slightly greener, the purple is less vibrant. KDP made the exact colors I painted this with in photoshop.

The KDP book is slightly thicker and while the spine print is slightly off center, the front cover is perfectly centered. Compare both of the lower moons on the right side and it's very obvious that IGS cut theirs incorrectly. It's cut incorrectly because their paper is thinner, thus needing a slightly narrower print PDF (which isn't something they would tell you).

KDP is slightly thicker because they used thicker paper. Theirs is less polished creme, you can feel more of a grain of the pages, but because they're thicker, they're less transparent. I can read straight through to not only the back of the title page, but straight onto the next piece of paper for the IGS copy, and theirs cost more to print.

KDP shipped in lighter packaging, which meant my copy got a little banged up as opposed to the cardboard coffin the IGS book was in. Pick your poison.

KDP

PROS

A breeze to work with in most areas. I did not need to use customer service, so I can’t comment on that, but I’ve heard it’s superior to IGS in every way. They do have a community chat that I have used when confused (more below) and pages upon pages of how-to resources.

Simple user interface, very easy to click through all the set-up menus and not once did it freeze or crash on me (more below).

Did not use their formatter or cover generator, I used Adobe and did my own so I can’t comment on their quality.

Their “print previewer” was fantastic. I could click through the whole book and they explained very thoroughly where some issues were and what I should look out for and they let me use my own files without issue instead of having to build them in the platform.

Their royalty rate is the best you can get in this industry, because they’re not selling to anyone but themselves so there’s no middle man taking a cut of the profit.

Print quality of the book itself is fantastic. Only thing I miss is the ability to emboss, but no print-on-demand company does that as far as I’m aware. The colors were an exact match to my design in Adobe, I have no complaints.

Instant reports and near-live report refreshes for ebooks. Print copies don’t register on reports until the book ships, but Amazon prints and ships within ~2 days.

Because it’s Amazon, even though proof copies aren’t applicable with Prime, my copy still got here in 5 days including print time. My print copy totaled the print cost plus $3 in standard shipping that I could have rushed.

It did get a little banged up on the bottom but I think that was during shipping not at the printing press.

If you’re really strapped for cash, they do offer free ISBNs *but these are KDP only ISBNs, you don’t own them, and they are non transferable between vendors and POD companies. Bite the bullet and just save up for your own ISBNs and buy them in bulk if you can and you plan on publishing at least 2 books in your lifetime (like a paperback and hardcover of the same book, even).

After I submitted my ebook for preorder, I kept finding little details to fix and lines I wasn’t happy with that got nixed at the 11th hour. Updating this was seamless and free and the updated versions were processed within 6 hours or so. Amazon did not lock in the files to the date the preorders were set like IngramSpark would have.

CONS

They still don’t have paperback preorder, but they do have a feature where you can submit for a future release, which is just giving your files over to go live on a set date. Thing is: When you get to the end of the setup, there’s a button that says something like “submit for publication” which does not actually mean “move your publication date to right now” like I thought. So I missed my paperback date by 2 days.

Their proof copy has that annoying grey “Not for Resale” stripe across the cover so it looks wonky in marketing images.

They have a “cover art size calculator” feature, which did not line up with the actual file size I needed come submission time, off by a few millimeters. Which meant resizing in Photoshop and it was incredibly annoying and tedious.

Upon finally hitting the “publish” button Amazon flagged my book and told me to fix the highlighted errors. Well there were no highlighted errors, and said error(s) could be anywhere across four pages of details. I had to consult the community notes to figure out what they were talking about (it was an ISBN issue) which was quite annoying.

IGS

PROS

Well-known as the best print-on-demand (POD) company with the widest reach, including Amazon, for expanded distribution. (NOT IN MY EXPERIENCE)

Also well-known as the highest quality self-publish paperback, that still doesn’t do embossing. (NOT IN MY EXPERIENCE)

They do paperback preorders (which I did not participate in).

Integrates flawlessly with libraries and retailers that Amazon won’t do (which is about its only claim to superiority). My book was searchable on Barnes & Noble within 48 hours.

IGS, like KDP, has free ISBNs (US only), with the exact same non-transferable issue. However, because they integrate across all sellers, Amazon included, if you only intend to work with them, you’ve reached every market anyway.

CONS

Their royalty rate sucks ass. I had to price my book $1 higher through IGS because I was literally at a deficit with all the printing costs and vendor discounts (so if you want my book for slightly cheaper, buy it through Amazon). Through IGS, I think I’m making about $1 in royalties, when all is said and done. And I’ve heard, shockingly, that that’s pretty good.

I didn’t try to use their customer service because I know it’s notoriously terrible. But it would have been helpful when their website crashed.

Their website crashed on me three times when trying to upload my files. Before it crashed, their “submit files” button simply did not work, so I had to go the roundabout way through their formatter and cover wizard (which I didn’t like) which then told me my 300DPI cover art was too small. The exact same file I submitted and had in my hands at perfect resolution to Amazon. It took almost 2 hours of running around in circles on their site to essentially start from scratch to get this up and running—and I did all of this with polished files from the get go because I knew revisions would be tedious. Can’t imagine the hassle if you aren’t ready to go immediately (this is why I didn't do a preorder with them).

I have heard that if you make changes to your files, they don’t go into effect until the next month, meaning if you have typos, and anyone buys your book before the next calendar month despite you fixing them in the system, that person is still buying the old version. I have also heard that generating reports is not seamless. After 60 days, revisions also cost you $25 a pop (KDP is free).

If you submit pre-made PDFs for your manuscript and cover (as in, you don’t format or generate them within their system) they do not have an instant previewer. Mine took 48 hours to deliver a link, when that shit should be automated and instantaneous and should allow me to use my own files.

IGS does not have Amazon’s monopoly on shipping, so to get my book here at all quickly, it cost me almost $20, rush fees applied for only 1 day faster than Amazon did. “Quickly,” being I ordered the proof on the 24th, and it won’t get here until the 28th. Meaning, that if you’re not paying rush fees, you’d have to wait longer.

They can be quite confusing with revisions during the preorder process. Per their website, they can begin printing your book “generally” 30 days before go-live. Which means someone who preordered your book on the 3rd gets the version of the book that was available on the 3rd, even if you update it on the 5th, because they print those immediately, even if the book’s official release date of the 30th hasn’t passed. You’d pretty much have to be completely done with revisions before setting up for preorder with them to be absolutely sure, which means wasted time. I don’t know why they don’t just queue up the books to be printed on a hard deadline a few days before release.

So. While I hate that Amazon has a monopoly, about the only thing IGS has going for it is their expanded distribution when everything about their business, from their platform to their user experience to the actual quality of books is at best dead even with KDP, but in my experience with my best foot forward, IGS annoyingly inferior.

I don’t think they’ll remain the “best POD company” for very much longer. I did not do hardcover for ENNS as of this post so I can’t comment on either service’s print quality, only what I’ve seen in other reviews. Some people like the jacket-less print-on-the-cardboard look (Amazon), some people (me) like the jacket, if only so I can use it as a bookmark.

*I wrote the above paragraphs before getting my proof copy from IGS and fucking hell they're not even competent at printing

It is also a massive waste of paper and shipping resources to have to print multiple versions of proof copies fixing errors outside of my control. My proof copy from KDP is perfect. IGS? Nope! But they wouldn't let me properly preview it so I had no idea this would happen.

Even as a consumer who might hate the idea of giving Amazon more money, there’s an argument to consider: I totally understand the desire to keep brick and mortar stores afloat and I don’t want Amazon’s monopoly on the market to grow even larger. However, Amazon makes sure that you’re making more than pocket change on your book, unless you jack up the prices for readers on the back end so the whole thing costs more all the way down the pipeline. I refused to do this.

That deficit that forced me to price ENNS even $1 higher than Amazon really bothers me with IngramSpark. That deficit exists because of a higher print cost and a 55% discount given to vendors so they can still make their cut of profit from stocking your book. IngramSpark had me sit through a whole video saying “if you don’t do this no one will stock your book” while saying you could go as low as 54% but that might scare off vendors.

In essence, at this time, KDP makes sure that you, the creator, make money. IGS makes sure that they and the businesses selling your book for you make money. I didn’t do any of this for profit, but it does hurt seeing all your hard work, possibly years of effort, have a royalty of $0.87.

So, yeah, is IngramSpark worth it?

I don’t yet know what their reach will amount to. It’s a dream of mine to see my book on a bookstore shelf, but signing up with IGS does not guarantee you sales, it just guarantees you the best chance possible at reaching potential buyers. But at the moment, all it looks like to me is fees, a bad UI, cheap printing, arrogance from perceived superiority in the market, and a business built boldly in favor of its own profits.

Amazon’s a shady-ass corporation, but I’m going to have to say they’re the better bet. At the very least, for your first book when you don’t have an audience and if making a profit is important to you.

—

I did not try to use any other POD like Draft 2 Digital or Barnes & Noble Press, as I already have KDP and IGS is the best platform to integrate with KDP.

See here for the cost breakdown of my debut novel from draft to publication.

[purplefox-writes]

Tom in Paris (T.M.R x singer)

Summary: Tom is exploring the muggle world and ends up in a jazz club in Paris, where he meets a sultry jazz singer.

Word-count: 1200

Content warnings: none

Tom stood in front of the unassuming entrance of a jazz club in the heart of Paris, hesitant to enter. He had never before stepped in such muggle establishment, but his growing fascination with their world had led him here. With a deep breath, Tom squared his shoulders, determined to take this first step into the unknown.

As Tom entered the jazz club, he was hit with a wave of warm, smoky air. The lighting was low and intimate, casting a golden glow over the patrons who lounged in plush velvet booths and at the bar. The air was thick with the scent of alcohol, perfume, and cigarette smoke, and the room hummed with the low murmur of conversation and laughter.

"Bonsoir, monsieur," greeted the French hostess with a warm smile. "Une table pour combien de personnes?"

“Bonsoir. It’s just me. May I sit at the bar?" Tom replied, feeling a flutter of excitement in his chest.

"Of course, follow me, sir," the hostess said, leading Tom to a prime seat at the bar with a direct view of the stage. "Is this to your liking?"

Tom met her eyes. "C'est parfait, merci beaucoup."

Tom sat at the bar, slowly getting lost in thought as he took in the atmosphere. The sultry notes of the saxophone filled the air, and he felt himself swaying to the rhythm.

His eyes were drawn to the stage, where a beautiful singer stepped in front of the microphone. She wore a slinky red dress that hugged her curves, and her long, dark hair fell in soft waves around her shoulders. As she began to sing, Tom felt as if the room fell away and he was transported to another world. He listened to the slow song about heartache and longing.

Her voice was smooth and silky, with just a hint of raspiness. He watched as she closed her eyes and swayed to the music, her body moving in time with the beat. It was as if she was lost in the music, and Tom found himself mesmerized by her.

"Excusez-moi, monsieur, would you like a drink?" the bartender's heavily accented English pulled him out of his reverie.

Tom turned to him and nodded. "Sure. What do you recommend?"

The bartender leaned forward, a twinkle in his eye. "I have just the thing," he said, reaching for a bottle on the top shelf. He leaned towards Tom as if indulging him in a secret. "It's not even on the menu."

He poured a small glass and place it in from of Tom, who took a sip and savored the smooth, smoky flavor. It was unlike anything he had tasted before, and he felt a warmth spreading through his body. The wizarding world could not hold a candle to the exquisite beverages of the muggle world, he pondered.

And then, his eyes fell upon her beautiful petite singer, her voice wrapping around him like a warm embrace. She was like a vision in red. Her voice was like some kind of magic, a spell that he was powerless to resist.

As the song came to an end, the room erupted in applause. Tom joined in, feeling a sense of awe and wonder. Her eyes met his intense gaze and he inclined his glass to her in a silent toast.

With a sultry smile on her lips, she made her way through the crowd and over to where Tom sat at the bar. As she approached him, Tom felt his heart race with anticipation, his eyes locked onto hers.

"Bonsoir," she said, her voice low and seductive.

"Bonsoir," Tom replied, his voice barely above a whisper, eyes fixed on her figure.

"I couldn't help but notice you during my performance," the singer said, her eyes sparkling with mischief.

Tom felt a flush of heat spread across his cheeks, but he couldn't look away from her. She was like a siren, pulling him closer with each passing moment.

"You have an incredible voice," Tom said, voice steady.

The singer chuckled, leaning in closer to him. "Thank you," she said. "I couldn't help but notice the way you were looking at me. Do you have a name?"

"Tom," he said.

The singer smiled, running a hand through her hair. "I'm glad to meet you, Tom. “Je suis Amélie."

Amélie. It was like music to his ears.

"So, Tom," Amélie purred, her voice low and seductive. "Would you like to buy me a drink?"

"Of course," he said, gesturing to the bartender.

The bartender quickly poured Amélie a glass of champagne, leaving the bottle in the ice bucket on the bar. Tom watched as she took a sip, her eyes locked onto his.

Running her finger along the rim of her glass she asked. "What brings you to this part of Paris?"

Tom hesitated for a moment. He didn't want to reveal too much about his true intentions in the muggle world.

"Just exploring," he finally said, trying to keep his tone light.

Amélie raised an eyebrow, clearly intrigued. "Exploring? That sounds interesting. What kind of exploring?" He brought her glass to her lips, her eyes never leaving him.

"Oh, just trying to broaden my horizons," he said sipping as well from his glass.

Amélie chuckled, her eyes sparkling. "Well, I can certainly help you with that,"

"Is that so?" Tom said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Amélie chuckled, her fingers trailing over Tom's hand. "Oh yes," she said, a sly smile on her lips. "I know all the best spots in Paris. The hidden gems that most tourists never get to see."

As the jazz band played on, Amelie leaned in closer to Tom, her eyes fixed on his.

"So, Tom, you’re a man of mystery, aren't you?"

Tom chuckled, trying to keep his guard up. "I suppose you could say that," he said, taking a sip of his drink. "I'm just a man trying to live in this world," he said, his eyes dropping to her hand.

Amelie chuckled, her fingers trailing over Tom's hand. "Aren't we all?" she said, a sly smile on her lips. "I have a poem I'd like to recite to you."

With a sense of curiosity building within him, he gestured: "Please, go ahead,".

Amelie smiled, her eyes locked onto his, and began:

"Mystery unfolds,

Life's secrets lie hidden deep,

Unseen, yet felt whole."

"That was beautiful, Amelie, thank you”, Tom whispered, kissing the knuckles of her hand gently.

“It's a haiku, a type of Japanese poetry," Amelie explained. "It's typically composed of three lines, with the first and last lines containing five syllables and the middle line containing seven syllables."

"But it's not just a poem. It's how I feel about you right now."

"By the way, I'd like that," Tom said, his voice a low murmur.

“What that might be?” she asked.

“To explore the city together”, a faint smile playing at the corners of his lips.

Amélie leaned forward in her seat, her face so close to his that he could feel the warmth of her breath on his skin. "Then it's settled," she said, I'll show you all the best parts."

[coylesboytoy-moved]

i really want to hear your opinions on all of your outlast trials questions 👀

Hell yeah! Thank you!! 🥰 All my answers are below.

Have you played OLT yourself, or have you only seen Let's Plays? // I've played excessively. I bought it the day it was released.

Is/are your reagent(s) a self-insert of yourself, or are they OCs? // He was a self-insert and kind of still is, but I have given him his own name.

What is/are your reagent(s) names? // Alex / Alexander. He looks like an Alex. I make the same one every time.

What's a brief backstory of your reagent(s)? // I don't have one yet besides he's somewhere between 25-35 and was kidnapped off the streets by Murkoff.

What is your favourite trial/program? // It started off as Kill The Snitch, and I do still love it, but after playing so much and the devs making things too easy... I kiiinda like Program 3/Orphanage more now 'cause there's more to do and it's a bit harder to evade enemies.

What is your favourite challenge overall, or favourite one from each Program? // I really like Feed The Children / the one where you go collect 5 bottles of bleach for yummy bleach-and-body-parts soup, and both of the Kill The Snitch challenges.

How many reagents have you released? // 4, I think. On the way to releasing a fifth later tonight.

Who is your favourite lesser ex-pop? // I like the girl that walks around mostly because her VA did such an incredible job.

Who is your favourite main ex-pop/prime asset? // [giggles] Coyle...

Who is your least favourite lesser ex-pop? // That goddamn screamer. Or maybe the woman hiding in lockers and under desks that never shuts the fuck up.

Who is your least favourite main ex-pop/prime asset? // Well since there's only two, I guess Gooseberry is my 'least favourite'.

Do you play solo or in a group? Which do you prefer? Would you be willing to try one or other if you haven't yet? // Solo. Never played with anybody else. :/ I never planned on playing w/ anyone else bc I really don't think I'd enjoy it, I think horror games should stay solo, but I've had a few people ask. I don't think I'll play though, one unfollowed me lmao and the others have people to play with, so.

Regardless of the trial and their objective, which map and/or map section is your favourite? // I love how Fun Park looks, it makes me a bit nostalgic for a fair/carnival I used to go to annually growing up.

Do the sound jumpscares ever get you? // Yes. I'm super desensitized to horror and don't usually react to anything, but the fucking noise jumpscares in Trials are SO loud and so unexpected, they make me jump almost every time.

Do you like the music (ambient music, chase music, end-trial music)? // Yes. I love the menu music, and the music that plays at the very end of the Program 2 trials/challenges.

Do you like the release protocol? If not, what would you change about it? // I like it. I like that we get to put all that we've learned in the 3 programs to use (the reel, the tuners, the keys, etc). Idk, I think it's fine as is. It's overwhelming the first time you go in, but after that, it's smooth sailing.

What kind of new trial or new enemy would you like to see? // I would like to see an evil corrupt priest prime asset, maybe pay an homage to the Father from OL1 or the whole cult nonsense from OL2. Bigger maps would be cool.

What would you like to see changed or implemented into the game in the future? Get creative! // Definitely stop making it easier and easier. More passive voicelines from everyone, especially Coyle, and fix them so they stop overlapping/interrupting each other. I want to see more cosmetics and room decor options. I also want to see simple emotes (sit down, lay down, maybe a silly little dance) and more comms wheel options. Text chat that's only set to groups would be nice as well, but it would need to be heavily monitored and regulated to limit toxicity. Not everyone has- nor wants to use a mic.

How many hours do you have in the game? 100hrs.

Have you played the other Outlast games (DLCs included), or is this your first time~? Do you like other horror games? // Yes, I've played and re-played all OL games and dlcs many times. I replayed everything months ago after playing the OLT beta.

Are you easily frightened by the game, or do you consider it a joyride? (AKA, are you as desensitized as OP)? // Joyride. I've been looking for something to make me feel something or make me genuinely uncomfortable, but nothing has, not since Amnesia The Dark Descent first came out in 2010 (minus the brief, mild discomfort OL2 gave me). I feel OLT is their most watered down game yet, and it's really disappointing to see them censoring and limiting themselves... because Outlast is the no.1 series I have praised for years for being the ONLY horror series/developer that has the balls to put out really extreme, uncensored content. And now they've made it kinda boring and less extreme. :/ I am completely desensitized to horror and don't experience fear.

Any funny moments you'd like to share? // I have some funny videos I never posted of shoving Coyle back out of the way with a door, and of him spinning in place lol.

Any bullshit kills you'd like to share (glitches included)? // I think it was the second or third hardest difficulty of Fun Park in Program 2. Two different instances. First time, I was in a pitch black room and wasn't moving, but Gooseberry--who had no idea I was there and was just patrolling--suddenly bolts straight for me out of nowhere?? And another time, I was hiding in a bin, and she did not see me go in, I wasn't peeking, but all of a sudden she bolts straight for me again, pulls me out, and kills me in one-shot when I had 5 full bars of health.

Any funny glitches you've encountered? // I guess the aforementioned stuff might be glitches.

Would you recommend the game to others in its current state (early access)? // Yes. For early access, there's a decent amount of content with high replayability.

Have you played Project Omega? // No. I don't plan on it. Don't have a group of trustworthy people to play with and I hear it's near impossible.

If you've ever played DBD, would you like to see one of the prime assets as a killer in DBD (in theory)? // Gooseberry would be really cool to see as a DBD killer.

Do you think the prime assets need to be more present in the trials/challenges or no? Why? // Answered this the other day. Yes, I think they need to be more aggressive and present and have their AI improved.

On a scale from 1-10, 1 being 'so easy a baby could do it' and 10 being 'surpassed Dark Souls' level of Difficult', where would you rank the game in difficulty, scare factor, and fun factor from when you first started playing compared to now? // Excluding my beta experience... First time: 6-7 | 5 | 8. Now: 3 | 1 | 5.

What's your opinion on adding voice recognition so the killers can hear you speak via mic (like Phasmophobia)? // I would love to see it. I'd have a blast talking shit or flirting with the antags. I did that all the time when I still played Phasmo. Would be really cool if they respond to certain things you say as well.

What is the shortest and longest amount of time you've spent in a trial/challenge? // Longest, a little over two hours... Shortest, 6 minutes.

If given the option, would you like to become a prime asset yourself post-release-protocol and given the option to hunt other players or AI? // YES OMG. I would LOVE to hunt down some poor fucker who's just starting out. A lot more fun than playing killer in DBD, I'd bet.

[agirlinsearchof]

I just got The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword HD. Nostalgia, baby!

And honestly, they handled motion controls much better than Super Mario Galaxy or Super Mario 3D World! Usually you aren’t controlling a cursor, but rather, your sword, and even if you are controlling your cursor, it’s a simple press of the Y button to recalibrate!

This comes, however, at the expensive of camera controls in button-only mode. You see, you have to press R and move the right stick… to move the camera. Without the R button, the right stick controls the sword.

Why couldn’t they have that be the other way around?! Most other 3D games use the right stick for the camera! Why screw with that now? At least let us reverse that in the options menu!

Overall, the smoothest experience, in my opinion, is when you’re standing up and using two Joy-Cons. Incidentally, that also resembles how you’d play the Wii version.

Funny, out of the three Wii ports (Metroid Prime was ported from GameCube, technically, but the motion controls had to come from the Wii Play Control/Trilogy ports) I’ve played, Super Mario Galaxy is basically unplayable for me outside of handheld mode because of the forced motion controls for the cursor, Metroid Prime Remastered, I refuse to use the motion controls for because there are more reliable options, but Skyward Sword HD, I find, is best with motion controls.

If I were to fix button-only mode, I’d have the right stick move the camera by default, have R draw the sword, and then while Link’s sword was out, the right stick would move the sword.

Overall, though, it’s been a fun time!

You know, I wonder something now. The original Skyward Sword was apparently planned at one point to have an alternate story mode where you played as Zelda adventuring on the surface. I wonder if her initial outfit was an artifact from this idea? It looks like something cool you could go adventuring in, if you had to wear a dress while you were at it. The boots in particular lend something of an adventurous vibe to it.

[oh-a-very-toxic-octopus]

Seeing a few people blitzing the answers like this and decided to have a go too!

1. What was the first piece of furniture you bought?

A leather sofa and armchair we bought from a charity shop for £25. We thought they were black leather, but as we walked the sofa outside and into the sunshine, it became undeniably green. For £25, though, who can complain?

2. What proportion of your meals do you cook?

Probably 90% at the moment. Jim likes cooking more than I do, but he's in his final year at uni and has been flat-out on his project. I have a decent rotation of doable meals going now, and he volunteers to chop veg/roll fajitas/make gravy, which keeps me p calm in the kitchen. (I have not always been calm in the kitchen.)

3. Foaming hand soap or normal hand soap?

Normal. Bar soap is the way.

4. Favorite chore?

In summer, laundry. There are a few factors here:

I am deeply invested in the well-being of the fancy Samsung washing machine I splurged on when we first moved here and enjoy keeping it clean and efficient.

I hate clothes shopping and waste, so I want to look after my kit and make it last forever. FOREVER.

I am very finicky about the texture of my clothes, towels and bedding and want to get them Just Right.

I am just as finicky about smells, with added backstory: when I worked retail, I only had one uniform and had to wash it too regularly to line-dry it, so for ages I relied on a tumble-dryer and smelled depressingly of rubber, while one of my colleagues was always wafting about smelling clean and lovely. For a long time, smelling good was my one goal in life. And now it has been achieved. I am a successful adult and I smell of line-dried Persil.

I enjoy the excuse to go outside and stand in the sunshine patting my line-drying clothes, eyy.

In winter I want to die, obviously, but cooking (from my limited set menu) is probably top. Prepping a good dinner sometimes breaks the SAD fog.

5. Least favorite chore?

Cleaning the fucking toilet.

6. Most precious thing one of your pets has destroyed?

I have blanked this from my memory for my own good. One time I woke up and my late cat, Spider, was humping the absolute shit out of my cello, though.

7. Any groceries you've been getting into lately?

Sweet potato fries. Also this fancy salmon en croute that cooks in half an hour and bubbles up immaculately.

8. What cleaning product do you swear by?

Ehhh. I was a vinegar stan for a while. Now it's basically antibacterial spray for general grime, washing up liquid for grease, bleach for nasties, vinegar for mould and mildew. I have an emotional support bottle of Cillit Bang that I occasionally use on the bathroom.

9. What's your emotional support craft?

I don't really craft. I doodle a fair bit and write sometimes.

10. Youtube, cable TV, or streaming?

Streaming. Netflix and Prime, plus sneaky access to Jim's parents' Sky subscription.

11. What's something you saved up for and then regretted buying?

Oh fuck me, so many things. I hate buying anything. Buying things sucks.

Off the top of my head: a wool trenchcoat, leather boots, clothes in general. I have a Gtech Multi hoover that cost way more than my little Makita stick and is infinitely less useful, too. I'm not 100% sold on my current laptop, either. Should've fixed my desktop instead.

12. How many cups can you see from where you're sitting?

None, but only because I tidied up three before sitting down.

13. Which filter are you most likely to go "eh, it's probably fine" when you find out you need to change it?

My shop vac is currently filterless. I just stuck some old t-shirts in there. Basically the same thing.

I hand-wash most foam filters for as long as I possibly can tbh.

14. How often do you take baths?

Never. I do not own a bath and I'm grossed out by the idea of using one in a hotel.

15. Do you go down each aisle when you grocery shop, or only the ones you know you need stuff from?

I do my grocery shopping online with home delivery. This means that when I have to shop in person I am perpetually lost and must wander the labyrinth for several hours.

16. Where do you go when you need to get out of the house but it's raining?

If it's raining and I don't have a pressing reason to go outside, I will not go out.

17. What's a movie you saw recently that you liked?

The Children of Men.

18. Pro or anti tchotchkes?

Had to Google this word (it is an incredible word, btw) but it was worth it to know I am anti, so anti, in every single case save for my growing army of dried bug skins. These alone may clutter my shelves. These and a few pottery dragons. And a wooden dragon. And some tiny porcelain cats. And a lot of books I will never reread. A few framed art prints. Uhh.

19. What's your go-to tape?

Electrical. I make the case: nice block colours, good stretch, snaps off the roll easily, holds together your indicator relay when you crash.

20. What's in your freezer right now?

It's rammed, honestly. I've got batches of roast potatoes, mashed potatoes and Dauphinoise potato; some stuffing balls I batch-rolled; curry sauces; bread sauce; Moroccan lamb meatballs; Swedish meatballs and gravy; minced beef; minced lamb; fish fingers; four tempura battered fish fillets; Jim's stash of Higgidy Pies; sweetcorn; peas; two pepperoni pizzas; three garlic flatbreads; sweet potato fries; hash browns; two apple strudels; onion rings; breaded mushrooms; and battered chicken nuggets. I'm sure there's more but I CBA to get up and check.

21. Last concert you attended?

Uhhhh, the Taste of Chaos tour — Disturbed, Halestorm and Papa Roach — in 2011. 💀 We almost went to Download this year, but given the mudfest it became, I'm okay with having missed it.

22. Favorite grocery store?

I'm a Tesco native but I heckin love M&S, just walking around looking at their fancy food.

23. Paper bags, plastic bags, or reusable bags?

I like Hessian reusable bags the most. In reality, I have a stash of plastic Bags for Life that's so huge they're probably more damaging than the OG one-use plastic bag.

24. Do you get your government mandated 8 hours every night?

No. We go to bed some time between 22.00 and midnight, depending on what we're up to that evening, and inevitably hang out in bed for so long we don't go to sleep until past one. It's my favourite thing, so I'm not complaining, but I am sleepy.

25. Favorite old person activity?

Does reading count? I like walking as well.

26. Would you rather sit on the porch drinking sweet tea or sit by the lake drinking beers?

Lake lake lake.

Beer beer beer.

27. Do you prefer Boardgame Night, Build-Your-Own-Pizza Night, or Movie Night with your friends?

Movie night.

28. Be honest, do you like all of the pictures of their babies that your friends send you?

My friends don't have babies, but I do not enjoy the pictures from my colleagues and acquaintances either. The human child is grim and sticky and I fundamentally don't understand the mindset that leads people to have them. Jim and I have been discussing it pretty intensely as we're 35 this year and our decision will soon be permanent, but my stance never really wavers.

29. Go-to holiday card format?

Unsure what this means. Jim's mum is hugely into sending cards, which I find quite daunting. Daunted, however, I rose to the challenge of sending cards back, and now I quite enjoy keeping an eye out for nice cards to add to my stash so I've always got a few ready to send — to her or to my own parents, who seem to appreciate my shift toward sending them.

30. How many pairs of scissors do you own?

So many scissors. We have a drawer of scissors. I want to say 15–20 pairs of scissors.

31. Do you still own your first car?

I do not. It was a 2003 Ford Ranger that was scrapped (not by me) for rust-related issues. Its engine went to Poland, I believe.

I note my first vehicle was a Yamaha YBR125 Custom, which I didn't keep very long at all. Just checked its history and apparently it's been off the road since 2021. :(

32. How do you take your morning coffee/tea?

It's tea, and I like milk and no sugar.

33. What's something you collect?

Bug skins. Specifically dragonfly sheds, but I have some cicadas from when I was a kid.

I also have my childhood spoon collection.

34. What's your commute like?

I leave the house, turn left down our alleyway, mount the bridge, and arrive at my home office in the garden.

Sometimes I *do* get called into the office, and that's a three-hour drive each way, with *people* at the end, eugh.

35. Aisle at the grocery store you never bother walking down?

The fizzy drink aisle. I like having teeth and shunning the betes.

I do however drink enough beer that I may fail on both those points anyway.

36. Do you keep a daily journal or agenda?

Sometimes. I'm insufficiently organised to keep at it. Instead I have a series of spreadsheets to log my chores and batch cooking, and I use my Google calendar to mark important events.

37. Do you still listen to the same music you listened to in high school?

Aw yeah. Favourites include Muse, Fiona Apple, System of a Down, Pink, Nine Inch Nails, Linkin Park, Alanis Morissette, Snow Patrol, Vanessa Carlton, A Perfect Circle, Pendulum and The Prodigy.

38. What's the last filter you changed?

Errr, I washed the filters on my Makita stick hoover. Replaced...? Probably the air filter for my Vauxhall Combo.

39. What little treat do you always get when you run errands?

I am not a little treat person; I want the money to stay in my bank account pls.

I do sometimes buy Jim some Marvelous Creations or a Terry's Chocolate Orange. I get the warm fuzzies from giving him stuff.

40. Grocery list or no grocery list?

List. Colour-coded by section, if I can. How does anyone survive without a list? Do you hold it all in your heads?? Like madmen???

41. What's the oldest thing you own?

My house, built in the 1800s. Whenever I get pissed at how badly built it is, I have to stop and consider that when my childhood home was being built (early enough to be damaged by shrapnel in the Coventry Blitz) my house was already over 100 years old.

42. What's an unjustifiably expensive appliance that you really want?

The ✨Bissell Spinwave✨

Look at that stunning thing. Give me those clean floors, Bissell. Please. Mopping just doesn't cut it.

43. Favorite book you've read recently?

Toss-up between The Priory of the Orange Tree, Slaughterhouse Five and Penance.

Probably Orange Tree.

44. Honest feelings on Settlers of Catan?

Never played it, not really a boardgame person.

45. What's something you wish you had more time for?

Writing, art, motorcycling, bicycling. At the moment, all my time is devoted to work, housekeeping, DIY and mechanical maintenance stuff. I'll get some time back when Jim's done with his uni degree, but I dunno that I'll ever finish writing a book again.

46. What kind of stuff do you keep on the door of your refrigerator?

A bin day calendar, a list of meals for the week with their eat-by dates and a shopping list.

47. Lamps or overhead lighting?

Overhead lighting. I get very angry very quickly if I have to put up with dimly lit rooms. We have some overhead spotlights that drive me a bit insane too, though; they cast intense shadows.

I fitted my office with my ideal lighting: 120 degree beam angle, 3200 lumens, warm temperature light bars. Everything is warmly and evenly lit.

48. If you could build your home from scratch, what outrageous feature would you want to build into it?

I'd move the house to the top of our hill, dig in a huge basement garage and lift the overall roof height by a couple metres to gain high ceilings on both above-ground floors. Skylights, exposed beams, cavity walls, underfloor heating, big windows with electric blinds, American-style HVAC ducting, central vac, some sort of built -in dehumidifier, triple glazing, water filtration and some kind of water pressure booster, giant log-drying facility, sauna.

49. Do you bring a bag with you everywhere you go?

No. On hikes and bike rides I take my Osprey Raven 14, but in urban areas I just stick my keys, wallet and phone in my pockets.

50. Pro or anti throw pillows?

None on the bed, a few on the sofa and armchair. Gotta have washable covers. Gotta get that Persil-fresh scent.

51. How many blankets do you keep in your living room?

Two: a fancy Melin Tregwynt lambswool blanket bought for us by Jim's mum that covers the cracked leather on our armchair, and a thin red washable fleece drape (also bought for us by Jim's mum) that I use as a barrier between me and the sofa if I'm at all dirty when I want to sit down.

We have a few more woollen blankets that go on the bed and on my sofa out in my office. They were all bought by my mum or by Jim's.

52. Did your relationship with your parents get better when you stopped living with them?

MIXED REVIEWS. Stopped living with my dad at eleven and that did not go well. Moved fully out of my mum's home at 25 and that helped a lot, although I think General Adulthood was doing most of the heavy lifting — we weren't at loggerheads even before I left.

I have a distant but amicable relationship with both of them now, where I have to initiate all contact but it usually goes well when I do, although my mum keeps freaking out over my potential ND status and my sibling's ongoing transition.

53. What's worse, the DMV or the Social Security Office?

Not American so I'm not sure. I guess our equivalents are the DVLA and the DWP.

I hate both but the DWP are worse. I worked for them for a little while (unpaid, in exchange only for my jobseeker benefits 🫠) and it was hell in there. My internship allowed me to be a relatively beneficial figure in the Jobcentre and offer (completely unfunded) tech training and digital support to some of our vulnerable jobseekers, but the permanent staff had to hit targets, targets that centred disqualifying people from benefits. Awful shit.

The DVLA can't type and regularly fuck up my forms, but most of my interactions with them are automated these days and they don't peddle human suffering. Go go DVLA, winning when the bar is in hell.

54. Do you decorate your house for holidays? Which ones?

We dress our trees and the chapel with fairy lights for Christmas. I'm not really a Christmas person — fairly anti-theist — but we've been slowly returning to some of these practices and finding them pleasant. I hate the gift-receiving but enjoy the lights and food.

55. Favorite high-effort meal that you make?

My Beef and Guinness Stew. This one:

56. Favorite low-effort meal that you make?

Asparapasta. Don't think I've bothered adding it to my site, so:

Chop up bacon, an onion and a pack of asparagus.

Put pasta on to boil and start frying the bacon.

When the bacon reaches your desired level of crispiness, add the onion to the pan and cook. Give the onion a slight head start, then add the asparagus too. Fry, stirring regularly, until the asparagus softens and turns a brighter green.

Reduce the heat to low and add the juice of one lemon and a huge dollop of Thai sweet chilli sauce. Stir and simmer while you drain the pasta.

Put the pasta in bowls and top with the other ingredients. Add parmesan and black pepper. Consume.

57. Do you tend to bring an appetizer, entree, dessert, or drinks to a potluck?

Too unsociable for potlucks.

58. What kind of bag do you use for your bag full of bags?

It used to be one of those waxy flat-woven structured rectangular LIDL bags, but now I have a box for them instead. The box is a locking plastic box used by the NHS for human flesh samples. It's clean now.

59. If you died and your ghost was stuck in the outfit you're wearing right now for the rest of time, would you be happy with it?

Jeans - "For the Horde" t-shirt - oversized red jumper - ill-fitting socks.

It's okay. Representative.

60. Do you have an opinion on your local weather reporter?

I do not know who they are as I do not pay my TV licence and thus have no terrestrial television.

61. Do you have a favorite brunch spot?

I do not deviate from the standard three-meal pattern. Get out of here, brunch.

62. Where are you on the minimalism-maximalism kinsey scale?

Standard bi woman. I want patterned wallpaper but bare shelves. I never achieve the bare shelves.

63. Opinion on Bath and Body Works?

I've never been. I hate Lush and The Body Shop, which I suppose are similar. Generally I feel the current self-care trend is just more consumerist bullshit.

(This totally unbiased political opinion sponsored by my scent-induced migraines.)

64. Last time you visited a farmer's market?

A month or so ago, when I discovered one in the field opposite the MOT centre where I was dropping off some motorbikes. I bought some vegetables and a pair of tomato plants.

65. Anything you're procrastinating on right now?

I should be doing some work-work (editing a blog article written by my colleague). I'm pretty on top of things otherwise. As a long-term disorganised mess, I feel weird about this degree of hard work and expect it will not last.

66. Do you get your taxes in as soon as possible, at the last minute, or late?

I'm on PAYE (pay as you earn) so it goes out automatically in real time. Rest assured I'd be a last-minute fuckwit who occasionally submits late because I put a form in a "safe place" if I had to do it myself.

67. Do you keep any stuffed animals on your bed?

Sometimes Max puts his stuffed stegosaurus in there and I discover it with my feet. Thanks, buddy.

68. Are your garbage bags scented or unscented?

Unscented. Scented is beyond grim. I feel I am consistent on this point.

69. What are you looking forward to next week?

A few things!

Get those Tories out of office.

It's Max's birthday! New dog toy time.

Hoping a new bearing arrives for my ebike engine and I can start riding again.

My project YBR is booked in for its MOT on Monday. Fingers crossed it's deemed roadworthy and I can move on to other projects.

Ask meme for people in their 30s

What was the first piece of furniture you bought?

What proportion of your meals do you cook?

Foaming hand soap or normal hand soap?

Favorite chore?

Least favorite chore?

Most precious thing one of your pets has destroyed?

Any groceries you've been getting into lately?

What cleaning product do you swear by?

What's your emotional support craft?

Youtube, cable TV, or streaming?

What's something you saved up for and then regretted buying?

How many cups can you see from where you're sitting?

Which filter are you most likely to go "eh, it's probably fine" when you find out you need to change it?

How often do you take baths?

Do you go down each aisle when you grocery shop, or only the ones you know you need stuff from?

Where do you go when you need to get out of the house but it's raining?

What's a movie you saw recently that you liked?

Pro or anti tchotchkes?

What's your go-to tape?

What's in your freezer right now?

Last concert you attended?

Favorite grocery store?

Paper bags, plastic bags, or reusable bags?

Do you get your government mandated 8 hours every night?

Favorite old person activity?

Would you rather sit on the porch drinking sweet tea or sit by the lake drinking beers?

Do you prefer Boardgame Night, Build-Your-Own-Pizza Night, or Movie Night with your friends?

Be honest, do you like all of the pictures of their babies that your friends send you?

Go-to holiday card format?

How many pairs of scissors do you own?

Do you still own your first car?

How do you take your morning coffee/tea?

What's something you collect?

What's your commute like?

Aisle at the grocery store you never bother walking down?

Do you keep a daily journal or agenda?

Do you still listen to the same music you listened to in high school?

What's the last filter you changed?

What little treat do you always get when you run errands?

Grocery list or no grocery list?

What's the oldest thing you own?

What's an unjustifiably expensive appliance that you really want?

Favorite book you've read recently?

Honest feelings on Settlers of Catan?

What's something you wish you had more time for?

What kind of stuff do you keep on the door of your refrigerator?

Lamps or overhead lighting?

If you could build your home from scratch, what outrageous feature would you want to build into it?

Do you bring a bag with you everywhere you go?

Pro or anti throw pillows?

How many blankets do you keep in your living room?

Did your relationship with your parents get better when you stopped living with them?

What's worse, the DMV or the Social Security Office?

Do you decorate your house for holidays? Which ones?

Favorite high-effort meal that you make?

Favorite low-effort meal that you make?

Do you tend to bring an appetizer, entree, dessert, or drinks to a potluck?

What kind of bag do you use for your bag full of bags?

If you died and your ghost was stuck in the outfit you're wearing right now for the rest of time, would you be happy with it?

Do you have an opinion on your local weather reporter?

Do you have a favorite brunch spot?

Where are you on the minimalism-maximalism kinsey scale?

Opinion on Bath and Body Works?

Last time you visited a farmer's market?

Anything you're procrastinating on right now?

Do you get your taxes in as soon as possible, at the last minute, or late?

Do you keep any stuffed animals on your bed?

Are your garbage bags scented or unscented?

What are you looking forward to next week?

[ashtonlanger]

Lunch Near Herald Square? Black Tap’s Craft Burgers are a Top Choice

If you’re in Midtown Manhattan and craving a memorable lunch, Black Tap on 35th Street should be at the top of your list. Just a short stroll from Herald Square, Black Tap serves up more than just burgers; it offers a full dining experience with hearty flavors, quality ingredients, and a hip, welcoming atmosphere. Here’s why Black Tap’s craft burgers are a prime choice for anyone looking to enjoy a standout burger near Herald Square.

The Art of the Craft Burger

At Black Tap, burgers are more than just sandwiches—they’re crafted works of culinary art. Black Tap’s menu is filled with unique combinations, each tailored to provide a fresh, bold experience in every bite. Here’s a closer look at what makes their burgers a favorite for lunchtime diners:

1. The Classic All-American

This is the ultimate burger for purists, combining a juicy beef patty with melted American cheese, lettuce, tomato, and Black Tap’s signature house sauce. Perfectly balanced and packed with flavor, this classic delivers a comforting, delicious experience that’s anything but basic.

2. The Mexican-Inspired Mexico City Burger

For those who love a little heat, the Mexico City Burger is a top pick. Topped with pepper jack cheese, chipotle mayo, and pickled jalapeños, it offers a spicy twist with vibrant flavors inspired by Mexican cuisine.

3. The Truffle Burger

For a more decadent lunch, the Truffle Burger is a must-try. It features Swiss cheese and truffle mayo, adding a touch of elegance to the burger. This unique combination makes it an elevated choice for a special lunch treat.

4. The Vegan Option

Black Tap ensures that everyone can join the burger celebration with their Vegan Burger. This plant-based option includes a flavorful black bean patty, vegan mayo, and all the classic fixings, making it a hearty choice that’s every bit as satisfying as the meaty options.

Sides and Starters to Make Your Lunch Complete

While Black Tap’s burgers are the main attraction, the sides and starters add an extra dimension to your meal. Here are a few crowd-pleasers:

Crispy Onion Rings: Lightly breaded and fried to perfection, these onion rings have a satisfying crunch and pair well with any burger on the menu.

Sweet Potato Fries: These crispy, slightly sweet fries provide a fun twist on the classic side.

House Salad: For a lighter start, the house salad offers fresh greens and a flavorful vinaigrette, balancing out the richness of the burgers.

CrazyShake® Milkshakes: An Unforgettable Lunch Addition

One of Black Tap’s signature offerings is their legendary CrazyShake® milkshakes. These larger-than-life shakes are adorned with creative toppings like candy, cookies, and even whole slices of cake. Some popular choices include:

Cotton Candy Shake: Featuring a rainbow of candy and topped with a cloud of cotton candy, this shake is a treat that’s as fun to look at as it is to eat.

The Brooklyn Blackout: A chocolate lover’s dream, packed with chocolate frosting, brownies, chocolate syrup, and chocolate chips for an indulgent dessert.

These milkshakes add a playful element to the meal, making it perfect for diners looking for a memorable and Instagram-worthy experience.

Why Black Tap Stands Out for Lunch Near Herald Square

Conveniently located near Herald Square, Black Tap is more than just a restaurant—it’s a destination for anyone looking to elevate their lunch experience. Here’s why it’s a go-to option:

1. Prime Location

Being just minutes from Herald Square and the Empire State Building, Black Tap is a convenient lunch stop whether you’re shopping, sightseeing, or taking a break from work.

2. Cozy, Welcoming Atmosphere

The ambiance at Black Tap is laid-back and modern, making it a great place to unwind. It’s the kind of spot where you can enjoy your lunch without rushing, while also feeling the vibrant energy of the city.

3. Friendly Service and Fast Takeout

If you’re short on time, Black Tap offers efficient service and a convenient takeout option. Whether you’re looking to dine in or grab something to go, the staff is ready to make sure your lunch is seamless and enjoyable.

A Lunch Option for Every Appetite

Black Tap’s diverse menu accommodates various tastes and dietary preferences, making it an ideal place for groups and individuals alike. With options for vegetarians, meat lovers, and dessert fans, it’s a choice that’s guaranteed to satisfy everyone.

The Final Word

When it comes to finding the best lunch near Herald Square, Black Tap’s craft burgers and CrazyShake® milkshakes make it a stand-out choice. Whether you’re a local or a visitor, make your way to Black Tap on 35th Street for an unforgettable lunchtime experience.

[schickwheel]

Food Trailer Manufacturers in India: Revolutionizing Mobile Dining

The food industry in India has witnessed a remarkable transformation in recent years, with the concept of mobile dining gaining significant traction. At the heart of this revolution are food trailers, versatile mobile kitchens that offer an affordable and flexible alternative to traditional brick-and-mortar restaurants. Food trailer manufacturers in India are playing a key role in making this trend accessible to entrepreneurs, restaurateurs, and culinary enthusiasts looking to bring their food to the streets and reach a wider audience. This article explores the world of food trailer manufacturers in India, their services, and how they are driving innovation in the mobile dining space.

The Growing Popularity of Food Trailers in India

Food trailers, also known as mobile kitchens or food carts on wheels, have become increasingly popular across India’s urban and semi-urban areas. Offering convenience, mobility, and low overhead costs, food trailers allow entrepreneurs to set up shop in prime locations, participate in events, or cater to diverse customer bases without being tied to a fixed location.

This trend is largely driven by India’s thriving street food culture, the rise of food festivals, and the increasing demand for unique and high-quality food experiences. From gourmet meals and ethnic delicacies to desserts and beverages, food trailers offer a wide variety of cuisine options in a mobile format, making it easier for aspiring chefs and restaurateurs to enter the food business.

Why Choose a Food Trailer?

For many entrepreneurs, choosing a food trailer over a traditional restaurant offers several benefits:

Low Startup Costs: Food trailers are significantly more affordable to purchase and maintain compared to setting up a full-scale restaurant. This makes them an attractive option for those with limited budgets or those looking to test new food concepts without the high financial risks associated with fixed locations.

Mobility: One of the most significant advantages of a food trailer is mobility. Food trailer owners can move to different locations, attend events, or serve at festivals and fairs, reaching a diverse customer base without being tied to one spot. This flexibility allows entrepreneurs to explore different markets and capitalize on high-footfall areas.

Customizability: Food trailer manufacturers in India offer highly customizable designs that cater to the specific needs of each business. Entrepreneurs can choose from a variety of trailer sizes, layouts, and kitchen equipment configurations to create a mobile kitchen that suits their menu and workflow.

Quick Setup: Unlike brick-and-mortar restaurants, which often take months to set up, food trailers can be operational within a matter of weeks. This rapid deployment allows entrepreneurs to launch their business quickly and start serving customers sooner.

Key Considerations When Choosing a Food Trailer Manufacturer

Customization and Flexibility: A reputable food trailer manufacturer should offer customization options to meet your specific needs. This includes designing the trailer layout, equipping it with the necessary kitchen appliances (such as grills, fryers, and refrigerators), and ensuring that the space is optimized for cooking and serving.

Quality Materials and Durability: Food trailers must be built to withstand regular use, transport, and exposure to outdoor conditions. Leading manufacturers use high-quality materials such as stainless steel and aluminum to ensure the trailer’s durability and longevity. The interior should also feature non-slip floors, easy-to-clean surfaces, and proper ventilation systems.

Safety and Compliance: Food trailers must meet local health and safety standards to operate legally. Manufacturers should incorporate safety features such as fire suppression systems, proper ventilation, and safe gas and electrical setups. They should also ensure compliance with food hygiene regulations to maintain a clean and safe environment for food preparation.

Design and Aesthetics: A well-designed food trailer with attractive branding and eye-catching graphics can help attract customers. Many food trailer manufacturers offer design and branding services, ensuring that your trailer not only functions efficiently but also represents your brand in a visually appealing way.

Affordability and After-Sales Support: While food trailers are generally more affordable than fixed restaurants, costs can still vary depending on the size, customization, and equipment required. It’s essential to work with a manufacturer that provides transparent pricing and offers ongoing support for maintenance and repairs.

Leading Food Trailer Manufacturer in India

Several companies in India specialize in designing and manufacturing high-quality food trailers for a wide range of culinary ventures. Some of the leading food trailer manufacturers in India include:

Schick Wheel: Schick Wheel is known for providing customized food trucks and trailers for entrepreneurs. They offer various designs, tailored interiors, and branding solutions to help businesses stand out in the crowded food truck market. Their focus on quality and customer satisfaction makes them a trusted name in the industry.

The Future of Food Trailers in India

As the food truck and mobile dining culture continues to grow in India, the demand for well-designed, affordable, and durable food trailers is expected to rise. With increasing urbanization, changes in consumer behavior, and the popularity of food festivals and outdoor dining events, food trailers are poised to become a staple in India’s culinary scene.

Food trailer manufacturers are at the forefront of this movement, offering innovative solutions that cater to the needs of modern food businesses. As they continue to evolve and incorporate new technologies, such as solar-powered trailers and smart kitchen systems, the mobile dining industry is set for exponential growth.

Conclusion

Food trailer manufacturers in India are transforming the culinary landscape by providing entrepreneurs with the tools they need to succeed in the mobile food industry. Through customization, durability, safety, and design innovation, these manufacturers are helping businesses launch and scale their operations while offering consumers unique and diverse dining experiences on the go. With the growing popularity of food trailers, this sector presents exciting opportunities for both aspiring chefs and established restaurateurs looking to take their business on the road.

Original Source: food trailer manufacturers in India

[monettaindia4]

Tally License Renewal Process: Easy Steps and Key Advantages

Tally License Renewal is essential to ensure uninterrupted access to the latest features, updates, and support services that Tally offers. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you smoothly renew your Tally license and understand the benefits of doing so.

1. Steps to Renew Your Tally License

Log into Tally: Open your Tally Prime software and log in with your registered credentials.

Navigate to License Management: From the menu, go to “F12: Configure” and select “Licensing” under “Manage License.”

Select ‘Renew License’: Choose the Tally License Renewal option and follow the on-screen prompts to complete the process. You can renew online through the Tally portal or by contacting an authorized Tally service provider.

Payment and Activation: After making the payment, your Tally license will be renewed, and the system will activate it automatically.

2. Key Advantages of Tally License Renewal

Access to Latest Features: Regular Tally License Renewal ensures you receive the latest features, bug fixes, and performance improvements.

Dedicated Support: Renewing your license gives you continued access to Tally’s support team for expert assistance.

Enhanced Security: Tally License Renewal keeps your software secure with the latest security patches and updates.

Conclusion

Tally License Renewal is a straightforward process that provides key benefits like enhanced security, new features, and ongoing support. Ensure your software is always up to date by renewing your Tally license on time.

[lushcafebythelake]

Discover Lush Cafe: The Best Spot for Coffee Near Madhapur in Hyderabad

Lush Cafe: Your Ultimate Coffee Destination

If you're in search of the best spot for coffee near Madhapur, Hyderabad, look no further than Lush Cafe. Renowned for its exceptional coffee and inviting ambiance, Lush Cafe offers a memorable experience that stands out in the bustling city.

Prime Location in Madhapur

Conveniently situated near Madhapur, Lush Cafe is easily accessible, making it an ideal choice for coffee lovers in the area. Whether you're looking for a quick coffee fix or a place to relax, its central location ensures you can drop by anytime.

Exceptional Coffee Experience

At Lush Cafe, coffee is an art form. The cafe serves a wide array of expertly crafted coffee beverages, including bold espressos, creamy lattes, and refreshing cold brews. Each cup is brewed to perfection using high-quality beans, delivering a rich and satisfying taste with every sip.

A Menu for Every Taste

Lush Cafe’s menu is designed to cater to a diverse range of preferences. From freshly baked pastries and light snacks to hearty meals, every item is prepared with the finest ingredients. The variety ensures that there’s something for everyone, whether you’re stopping by for breakfast, lunch, or just a coffee break.

Welcoming Atmosphere and Stylish Decor

The ambiance at Lush Cafe is both modern and cozy. The stylish decor creates a pleasant environment perfect for catching up with friends, holding casual meetings, or simply enjoying some downtime. The cafe’s inviting atmosphere enhances your coffee experience, making it a favorite spot for many.

Affordable Quality

Despite offering a premium experience, Lush Cafe maintains affordable pricing. This balance of high quality and reasonable cost makes it a popular choice for those who appreciate great coffee without overspending. It’s an excellent option for both daily visits and special treats.

A Perfect Spot for Relaxation

Lush Cafe’s comfortable seating and relaxed vibe make it the ideal place to unwind. Whether you’re looking to enjoy a leisurely coffee or take a break from your busy day, the cafe provides a tranquil escape from the city’s hustle and bustle.

Why Lush Cafe is the Best Coffee Spot Near Madhapur

For those seeking the best coffee experience near Madhapur, Lush Cafe is the top choice. Its exceptional coffee, diverse menu, stylish ambiance, and affordable prices combine to create an outstanding destination in Hyderabad.

Visit Lush Cafe for an Unforgettable Coffee Experience

Explore Lush Cafe and discover why it’s considered the best spot for coffee near Madhapur. Enjoy a delightful blend of flavor, comfort, and convenience, and make your coffee breaks truly special.