#first the stupid cliche of her hating her husband and now she acts like a Karen

[what-do-you-mean-theyre-evil]

I can't play Rage of the Titans anymore. I absolutely hate their portrayal of both Hades and Persephone's relationship and Persephone in general.

Call me when there's another Murphy diamond.

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket Manga Review, ch (92-93)

That was painful & so well-written! This analysis will focus on kyokyo mainly & faintly on her effect on kyo. Although, her story affects tohru’s life immensely, I won’t analyze tohru’s part & will wait until it’s a tohru’s chapter to use the knowledge of kyoko’s past to better read tohru’s mind & understand her decisions! Can’t wait! after all, that’s why I’ve read the manga to begin with!

-Kyoko’s Atonement:  (the weight of words):

 Kyoko breaks down after she learns she’s expecting. Why? cuz she hurt her mom. The notion that “yeah my parents caused me emotional trauma & so I’mma hurt them as well” is toxic & burdening as it starts a cycle of pain. Kyoko was right. She had no idea how her mom felt seeing her rebel, or follow violence or hear her harsh words. I’m not cleansing the mom from guilt nor responsibility. I’m just saying since the mom’s pov is blocked from us, assuming shes similar to the dad is wrong. kyoko’s fear of being punished with a child similar to herself is genuine, realistic & refreshing to see expressed in anime! usually character like kyoko are cool & brave, but here she’s humanly weak & doubtful. LOVE IT!

Moreover, in furuba words weigh on ppl & have consequences. We see this with kyo. His dad destroyed him verbally with words “ not my fault, it’s yours” that kyo echoes back to yuki! meaning the consequences of the dad’s words cause harm to his wife, kyo & even yuki!. Kyo was tormented with his own words for long time & clung to them even more in order not to resort to suicide! “ not my fault, it’s the rat’s” . Words can crush you down so bad if you hear them from loved ones, & worse if you utter them back to other loved ones! here kyoko learned that just the mere thought of her future child echoing her words back to her would torment her to death! Excellent writing!

-Katsuya invented Furuba’s vision (Accepting weakness & moving on):

The teachings of kyoko & tohru were really katsuya’s after all. I’m fne with that. These teachings are the core of Furuba’s vision. He tells kyoko to accept that she’s weak, afraid & doubtful. it’s okay. But gives her tools to move on. Your kid isn’t you. They’re an individual person. As parents all we can do is give love/hugs (sth kyoko’s parents didnt do), listen to them (sth yuki’s parents didnt do) & if they do sth wrong will explain it & teach them well (sth kyo’s parents didn’t do, his wrong deed was being born a cat spirit & he was hated for it with no explanation, mom gave lots of “fake” love & escaped by death, dad became a raging monster). Accepting weakness & moving on is what the cursed sohmnas needed to do to heal & what tohru taught them. Off course, tohru herself struggled to follow her own teachings & that’s amazingly realistic!

-Kyoko’s guilt (punishment brings ease):

Kyoko wanted to be punished so harsh for her husband’s death. The gossip got to her. She failed him as a life’s companion. Taking care of our loved ones is a duty we carry with much love & care. Them slipping away is perceived as us failing by none than ourselves. The thing is, death comes with no warning at times. It was his time to leave. Accepting it or not, wont bring him back, but accepting it will help kyoko deal with pain while not accepting will cause more pain for her & tohru.

One of the most painful things abt grief is that it’s personal. Life continues around you. Only you feel it.  “didn’t the world end when katsuya died”. No kyoko. Only you died emotionally. Only him died physically. Kyo once said “ mom why didn’t you kill me instead”. A different reaction to grief, guilt & pain, but same conclusion: neither katsuya nor kyo’s mom are coming back no matter how much pain kyo or kyoko felt.

Kyoko found ease in emotional death, neglecting & refusing life, punishing herself for staying after him.

kyo found ease in rage & blaming others as he his father did, later he’ll escape to emotional & physical slow death “ cat cage/confinement”.

tohru... found ease in pretending "I’m okay” & her mom is alive.. but not physically.. emotionally, so she’ll ignore the truth & live only for her.

Didn’t I say grief is harsh, weird & very very personal. It’s hard to explain, deal with & heal. The mere words of consolation hurt cuz the grieving ones dont want to accept loved one are really gone. Her dad’s harsh words cemented the “emotional death” that kyoko felt. I’m not needed. neither katsuya. nor parents in general. depression. misery. sadness. emptiness.

-The tv show helped to trigger kyoko’s desire to “meet” katsuya. She has already reached the conclusion that she isnt needed. So, the tv show with their words of the deceased wanting you to be happy. triggered her into misinterpreting the words as to mean her death NOT fuel her to live in his memory as intended.

- “Loosing your way first before finding your answer” is okay & so human!:

Ironically..Tohru... was the person Kyoko was punishing NOT herself: By being emotionally dead, kyoko neglected her daughter. Her world shouldnt be just one person. There are others. Katsuya himself gave her a person to love. Tohru. Kyoko chose death & unintentionally set tohru into a world of loneliness 10 times harsher thsn what kyoko faced. She was about to do, but was saved by a nameless child who reminded her of tohru. She chose wrong first but later saw her answer. Kyo chose death by accepting the confinement & he, too, unintentionally set tohru into a world of loneliness 10 times harsher if he wasnt with her. He chose wrong first but later saw his answer. Off course kyo’s story is more developed & complicated as he dealt with bigger issues than just tohru & his answer wasn't just loving tohru alone but also loving himself & choosing to live for them both: himself & tohru.

-Kyo’s guilt is a concussion thought eating him alive:

Part of why kyo’s story was one of the most human & complex is due him loosing his way first, failing, repeating mistakes “ I always though that hurting ppl was the only thing I was good at, after all, isnt that why mom died?” Kyo’s nightmare being a conscious effect of hearing tohru’s talk abt “ videos & memories of loved ones” is 1000 times stronger & more human than a cliche effect of seeing a “ hat” & to revive a a blocked memory... What the hell!! truly disgusting how the emotional weigh is reduced for stupid cliche drama !!!!!! ..

Anyway, kyo actively & consciously wanted punishment .He was sure that kyoko blamed him” I wont forgive you” can only mean what it literally means. The purpose of the nightmare is to cause kyo to seek “ emotional death” like kyoko & to loose his path more. It is meant to prepare kyo to refuse tohru even more. Therefore, the pay off at the climax will be better & stronger.

Reading kyo’s inner thoughts will never not be refreshing!!! Also, the slow burn is cooked on low , hot fire , so the pay off will be the most delicious there is!

Side Notes:

I’ve stated my feelings regarding the age gap between kyoko & katsuya in last chapter’s preview post. I’m done with it & won’t let it interfere with my analysis of kyoko nor tohru.

The idea of just being together as a fun hanging out activity without being bothered much of where reminds ms so much of kyo & tohru!! we see them being happy together in the anime in kazuma’s house, shigure’s rooftop, cooking pancake in the kitchen! I really like this domestic feel of romance! it contradicts the notion of expensive restaurant with the girl wearing a breathtaking dress to woo the guy for it to be utterly romantic as we see in movies, & other stories.

NGL, katsuya looked sexy waiting home.. damn it! >_<

I cried watching tohru between her parents, how they acted & how loved she was! T_T. it reminded me of my niece How her dad’s death affected her! She was the apple of his eyes.. T_T.

Tohru is indeed a rice ball! her dad gave her a masculine name while tohru is so feminine! his reasoning is “finding salty taste in sweet things make the taste better & stronger, kinda giving it a hidden flavour”, the rice ball has a pickle inside it & it’s what makes the taste so savory & delicious!

Grandpa’s “ chance meetings could lead to variety of outcomes, good or bad” YES! kyo/tohru/yuki meeting each other by chance. Fiction make it look weird, but trust me, real life has those by dozens!

“ i wonder how lost you’ll be, how much time you’ll need to get your answer”. He will screw up so bad, kyoko! it will be so good! one of the best screw up’s I’ve seen! so painful for him & tohru & amazingly written!

Kyo’s nightmare being connected to him remembering/dreaming of kyoko’s story is bigger effect than opening the ep with it & having the cause be sth that happened last ep, a week ago... the effect is NOT the same.

Momiji is so cute!!! did his curse break here or not yet? he seemed as tall as tohru.

Writing tohru worried abt kyo after seeing him pale is the tohru I know!! Not that stupid girl who watches the guy she loves have a panic attach in se3, ep6, then goes in ep 7...” dahhhh.. Jeez.. I duno why kyo is sleeping until now.. better laugh & make cute rice cakes” giggle giggle...That scene got me so furious even when I first saw it!! THIS IS NOT TOHRU! tohru cried for a stupid story that haru told abt puppets!! she’ll forget the person she challenges herself for is sick?! ugh!

I love seeing yuki & kyo chill & cool around each other.

Kyoko being fully dependent on katsuya can be a factor in her grief, but I’ve seen cases where both partners are independent but still be completely broken after the others’ death. Grief isn’t logical at all & is extremely personal.

[tellywoodtrash]

immj2 02.11.20 lb

this fucking episode my dudes. i just went through it like...

business maharani is doing some more bitchification of bhaabi, ki dekho phir nikal gayi aapke peeche. even used the same lameass mandir excuse, the idiot, instead of coming up with something new.  

hubs like riddhima is a major pain in the ass, but she's MY PAIN IN THE ASS, where isss sheeee, why isn't she back yet???????? is she ok????????????

ishani getting a call about someone in the hospital and......

bitch, it's her friend who's in the hospital. why the fuck would anyone call ISHANI of all people if riddhima was in the hospital????

lo aa gayi.

gujarat registration gaadi waale bhaiyya was a careful driver. unlike literally everyone else on tellywood. good for him.

concern!maxxxxxxxxxxx about her haalat.

asks about her bleeding hand and she's like i'll tell you if you tell me about how YOUR hand got hurt. noice.

again, rrahul's not putting on the vansh voice in this scene and it's 300% more watchable. for the love of god stop directing him in a way that impedes his performance!!!!!!! LET THE MAN MOVE HIS FACE AND TALK IN HIS NORMAL VOICE!!!!!!!!!!!

cliche dialogue about “shareer ke ghaav jaldi bhar jaate hain par dil ke ghaav..........”

this asshole is like yeah who would know that better than me???? BITCH WHAT IS THIS, THE TRAUMA OLYMPICS???

she's thinking ki yeah, i'm not gonna fall for your fakeass parwaah anymore. good. i like. she needed this stupidass illusion of her's broken longggggggggg back.

ohohohohoho ib waala mangalsutra breaking and slipping off trope idhar bhi hai.

“tooti hui cheezein kabhi kabhi dobara nahi judti.”

dialogue maarke chali gayi, lol.

but notice she's the one who caught it anyway. which makes me think she's gonna choose him/this relationship YET AGAIN. *deeeeeeeepest sigh in the world that sucks up all the oxygen in the atmosphere*

“jaise mera dil.”

OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH.

“lekin ab waqt aa gaya hai bohut se cheezon ko sahi karne ka.”

again, he looks menacing and all, but is probably just talking about making sure all the paperwork is up to date for upcoming end of year audits. he's a very rich accountant, remember???

ragini's medical reports have come.

lol being married to ishani is taking yearssssssss off angre's lifespan. roz naya tension, naya drama.

also, angre refers to vansh as "vansh bhai" when talking about him to ishani, but calls him "boss" when referring directly. interesting. veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyy interesting. you guys need to sort out that relationship, my dudes. it's the only stable, healthy one in this whole damn show.

ishani is like you're his right hand, what the hell are you doing about riddhima spying on him and getting all up in his business???????? dang, this might be the first conversation they're having about their only common interest: vansh's well being.

also i notice ki shivaay ke saare shirts angre ko diye gaye hain. huh, the shirts must have a kanji eyed wearer clause in their contract.

“mujhe shakti dijiye ke main apne emotions se upar uthke sahi ke saath khadi rahoon.”

damn, first time i've had a lil respect for riddhima. i mean, i know ultimately it's all gonna go to shit, but she's trying.

lmao a dhaarmik aarti version of the title track is playing. a version for every situation!

“main ragini ko bacha ke rahoongi. yeh mera aapse, ragini se, aur apne aap se vaada hai.”

YESSSSSSSSSSS BITCH, SISTERS OVER MURDEROUS MISTERS!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG WHY WON'T Y'ALL JUST DRESS HIM LIKE THIS, LIKE ARNAV, WITH THE SHIRT AND SWEATER COMBOOOOOOOOOOOOO. PLS GODDDDDDDDDDDD STOP DRESSING HIM WITH THAT STUPID SCARF WAALA BLAZERRRRRRRRRRRRR I BEG OF YOUUUUUUUUUU

he's talking to some shadow (def a woman) about how they're his humraaz about the whole ragini issue and nothing is hidden from them and how everything is going as they planned and the story will end soon.

it might be siya but omg i hope to goddddddddddddd it's ishani. i really really reallly want it to be ishani and see the hot demon siblings do some scheming and planning together. the sibs that conspire together, stay together!!!!!!!!!

menacing growling about riddhima and how he needs shadow chick's help in "handling" her, so that she doesn’t leave the house.

“chaahe VR mansion uske liye jail bann jaaye, i don't care.” cool, real healthy. also copied from this week's naagin 5. i'm telling you, these two shows be copying their homework off each other.

vansh leaning real hard on how he trusting shadow chick. hmmmm. reallyyyy hope it's ishani. though can’t say i wouldn’t be delighted if siya also turns out to be just as fucking twisted as him.

ofc ms. snoopy here has come to snoop. SIS TUM THAK NAHI JAATI KYA ISS SAB SE. MUJHE TOH DEKHTE HI THAKAAN HO GAYI HAI AND I NEEDS ME SOME GLUCON D.

“ragini riddhima se jeete-jee milna toh door, usse dekh bhi na sake.”

uh a little too late for that my man, lol. your girls already had a catchup session this afternoon. they're going for brunch and manis next weekend!

oh ho, she knows that angre's gone out. so this is def someone else in the house. DAMN, I'M REALLY INVESTED IN THIS SHADOW NOW.

yaaar, kya haalat bana rakhi hai shivaay ke room ki. best room hota tha iss set ka, aur isko bas ek random space banaa rakha hai.

ASLKFJSLDKJFLSDKJFLDKSF

this fucker crazyyyyy. like fulllll on flipping cray cray!!!!!!!!!!!!!

wow ok he's shaking from rage. more unhinged than i've ever seen him. which is really something. something scary as fuckkkkkkkk.

kudos to riddhima for just being like same old, same old, instead of being scared. i'm really liking i-give-no-fucks-riddhima.

DUDE. THIS FUCKER HAS COMPLETELY LOST IT.

also knife play copied from shivaay. this dude like a much much worse version of shivaay. never thought that would be possible, but never say never with ITV and the year 2020.

ok i don't like this angry version of him that's outta control, all shaking and growling and panting. not only is it really bad acting, it's hard to take seriously as menacing. ppl are always scarier when they're ice fucking cool with their anger.

blah blah blah some more growled warnings and riddhima and i are just here like............. “ok and????”

she's not even allowed to leave the room.

oooooh brave sis questioning him back and provokingggggggggg himmmmmmmmmm. got a death wish, this one, but i like her like this. i was sick of her just collapsing all over the place weeping. thaaaaaank god she found her longlost backbone.

“tum jaise haiwaan ki baat kabhi nahi maanungi.”

sarcastic slow clapping and slightly turned on by this show of dheentness.

“chalo aaj tumhari bahaaduri ko celebrate karte hain.”

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

“piyo, zeher nahi milaaya hai ismein.”

OK NOW THAT YOU SAID THAT I'M DEFINITELY THINKING THAT YOU HAVE.

omg ridhhimaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa you idiottttttt.

ok he's def put something in it. his face almost looking pitying as he takes the glass back.

“jaao. jahaan jaana hai jaao. nahi rokunga tumhe.”

ohhhhhhhhhh boy.

dslkfjsdlfkjdslkfjdslkjflkd her legs don't work no moreeeeeeeee.

THIS FUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. JESUS CHRIST THIS CRAZY ASS FUCKING D;SLFKJ;SLDKFJ;LDSKJF;LDKJ

EVEN THE CHANNEL PUTTING BIG BOLD DISCLAIMER OVER THE SCENE LIKE THIS SHIT IS SERIOUSLY UNHINGED AND FICTIONAL THE CHANNEL ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT CONDONE THIS FUCKING MADNESSSSSSSSS

I CANNOT STOP SCREAMING THIS FUCKERRRRRRR IS OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK IS THIS THIS SHIT IS MAKING 4 LIONS MEN LOOK LIKE SOFT CUDDLY LIL SOFTBOIS I AM LITERALLY GOING OUTTA MY MIND WITH RAGE AND ANGUISH WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

i need a break. i seriously need a break to go cuddle my cat coz my god this deranged fucking showwwwwwwwwww.

ok cuddle break done. i’m not feeling any better but at least the tears of blood have stopped flowing from my eyes?

all i gots to say at this point is that CHEELANSHU SINGHANIA FROM NAAGIN 5 WOULD NEVER DO THIS. ONCE AGAIN SANKIIII CHEEL BOY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> HUMAN MEN.

“haiwaan hoon main. rakshas hoon. aur rakshas kuch bhi kar sakta hai.”

electric chair for you, dude. ELECTRIC FUCKING CHAIR, GREEN MILE STYLE.

he literally gave her a paralytic.

“isse ek luxury relaxing spa treatment ki tarah enjoy karna.”

OMG I WISH I HAD SOMEONE MAKE ME SLIP INTO A PARALYTIC COMAAAAAAAAAA WHAT ELSE COULD A GIRL WANT FROM PRINCE CHARMING UWU TRUE WUVVVVVVVVV

omg inn paplu taplu ka chip waala naatak abhi bhi chal raha hai BIGGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED IN THE HOUSE YOU IDIOTS KEEP THE FUCK UP LITERALLY NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR SADAA HUA MEMORY CARD ANYMOREEEEEEEEEE

anyway they decide to put it in the bank locker. omg why though, under the mattress was suchhhhhhh a safe and secure spot!!! badal kyun rahe ho tum log?!?!?!!?!?

“good morning.”

sis, lower half is paralysed. haath abhi bhi kaam kar rahein haina??? PICK UP WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU CAN GET YOUR HANDS ON AND HURL IT AT HIS FUCKING HEADDDDDDDDDDD

“don't worry, bas kuch der ki baat hai. uske baad tum apne pairon pe khadi ho sakti ho. main tumhari help kar deta hoon.”

TELLL HIM SIS. TELL HIM TO STAY THE FUCK AWAY AND NEVER EVER COME WITHIN A 3 DISTRICT RADIUS OF YOU. 

“phir se zidd. tumhara naam riddhima nahi, ziddhima hona chahiye tha.”

ok can't deny i lol'd at that.

OK NO BACK TO HATING HIM. PUNS WILL GET YOU NOWHERE WITH ME, YOU BLOODY PSYCHOPATH.

“abhi toh bas ek chota dose diya hai jiska asar sirf 10 ghante rehta hai.”

oh how sweet. such a considerate husband. Star Parivaar Pati of The Year you are. haan behen, aur rakho aise pati ke liye karwachauth.

“agar baat nahi maaani, toh agla dose double hoga.”

seriously though, where can i get one of these? all i want is to be put in a coma so that i don't have to be conscious anymore. esp with the USA election today............ give me a 5x dose, daddy.

YEAH RIGHT LIKE SHE'S EVER GONNA CONSUME ANYTHING YOU OFFER HER EVER AGAIN LOL

“tum chaahe kitni bhi koshish karlo vansh, main tumhe ragini ko nuksaan pohunchaane nahi dungi.”

determination toh behen ka top classssssssssssss hai. where do ppl get such mental will from? i face the slightest inconvenience and i need a 6 hour nap to cope.

LMAO VANSH YOU DUMBASS YOU LEFT HER WITH HER PHONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. YOU KNOW SHE'S A SPY AND HAS SOMEONE ON THE OUTSIDE. YOU WANTED HER NOT TO GET TO RAGINI BUT NOW SHE CAN JUST CALL WHOEVER SHE’S WORKING WITH TO GET RAGINI THE HELP. GOD, BEWAKOOFON KI TOLI HAI YEH SHOWWWWWWWW.

ab yaad aayi kabir ki. my god, he seems like such a mellow weirdo now compared to vansh, just into some casual costume-changing and quasi fratricide. almost a tolerable level of deranged compared to this other fucking madman.

sent a voice note to him.

SHE HEARD SOMEONE COMING AND FLUNG THE PHONE ACROSS THE ROOM INTO A PILE OF CLOTHES. OH HO WHYYYYYYYYYYYY, YOU COULD HAVE LITERALLY JUST HID IT BACK UNDER THE PILLOWS WHERE YOU FOUND IT!?!?!??!?!?!?

“hi riddhima! tumhe iss haal mein dekh kar, dil ko bohut sukoon mil raha hai.”

asldkfsjflkjdslfkjdl i honestly love her the most. she's so fucking petty and hilarious.

ishani is like thank god bhai has seen fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinally seen your real face.

“sirf vansh ne hi nahi, inn sab mein maine bhi vansh ka asli chehra dekh liya hai.”

“kya matlab hai tumhara?!?!!”

ok, i'm thinking ishani is shadow girl. from day 1, she’s wanted riddhima to see vansh in a certain way; as someone dangerous, the way he projects himself. (as opposed to dadi and siya who want her to see his soft side.) this statement from riddhima makes her wary that did she get close to the actual truth. INTERESTING. VERYYYYYYYYY INTERESTINGGGGG.

she's now grumbling about how vansh treats her much better than she actually deserves. I REALLY WANT MORE INSIGHT INTO THIS BROTHER SISTER RELATIONSHIP THEY HAVE IT'S SO INTRIGUINGGGGGGGG

le, kapde chale gaye laundry. phone ke saath.

———————————————————————

precap: kabir listened to the voice note and now him and mummy are in panic about ragini disclosing the truth about 3 years ago. RE DEVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. OFC THESE TWO WERE INVOLVED IN THAT KAAND TOO. LITERALLY EVERY ONE IN THIS SHOW IS A DERANGED MENACE TO SOCIETY.

kabir coming to meet riddhima.

but ofc.

ugh she turned back saying “K.........” and he's like there's literally no one in this house whose name starts with K.

*facepalms for allllll eternity till my godforsaken face itself falls off.*

i think i’ll go watch s2 of mirzapur now. i need something ~~~light and fluffffffffffy~~~ to take my mind off whatever the FUCK this was.

[let-me-write-shit]

Somebody To You: 26

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Word Count: 3,031

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CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

Last night was draining and Zoey hardly got any sleep. There were too many thoughts running through her head. Being back home gave her mixed emotions. There were so many great memories filled with lots of great people, but there was so much loss, as well. She felt like she was on a death march, visiting a terminally ill man, a son who is about to lose his father, and bereaved parents. The knowledge of the losses made her normally bright and cheery little suburb feel dark and gray. How was she supposed to make light in these situations? She stressed, trying to figure out how she was supposed to act when she met Mr. and Mrs. Lewis for lunch.

“Just relax, it’s going to be fine,” Michael tried soothing her in the car on the way to their house. “You don’t have to impress them. They’ve known you for years. Just act normal.”

Zoey took a deep breath, nodding. He was right. This isn’t her first time spending time with them. But it was her first visit since she’s moved to LA on their dime and she felt pressured to explain or justify all that has been going on in her life since moving there. How do you thank the people responsible for changing your life in so many different ways?

The first thing Zoey noticed when they pulled up to the house was the different flower beds by the front door. They had done some rearranging. Honestly, it was refreshing to see at least a minor change in scenery. Still, her nerves began to grow as they made their way to the front door. She began to contemplate whether she should knock or just go right in, having always done that in the past. But she figured its been too long since she’s been here to just walk in, so she knocked, bouncing anxiously on her toes. Within seconds the door flew open and was instantly being enveloped by Mrs. Lewis’s curly blonde hair. Zoey’s worry eased at the sound of the woman’s delighted laughter, pulling away to take a good look at each other. 

“Oh, Zoey, you look beautiful with your hair down,” Mrs. Lewis cooed, smiling adoringly at her, “Come in, Mr. Lewis should be back any minute with the pizza. Hello, Michael, how are you?”

“I’m doing well, thank you,” Michael grinned as they followed Mrs. Lewis inside, closing the door behind them and making their way to the eat-in kitchen. 

Mrs. Lewis looked different than the last time Zoey saw her. She was more put-together, wearing a little bit more makeup and in business-casual clothes, instead of the robes and oversized sweaters that she had gotten used to wearing after the death of her daughter. Her eyes weren’t sunken and dark any longer, instead, they were bright blue and she had a glow about her that radiated through her smile; something she hadn’t seen Mrs. Lewis do in over a year. She seemed to be doing better, and Zoey couldn’t have been happier about that.

“I was so happy to get that phone call from you yesterday, Michael. I didn’t know you were going to be in town,” Mrs. Lewis turned to Zoey, pulling out cups and plates in preparation for her husband’s arrival with their lunch.

“I didn’t either,” Zoey admitted, “It was a last-minute plan to come after hearing about Paul.”

Mrs. Lewis nodded seriously, “Yes, I’m so sorry to hear about your dad, Michael. How are you feeling?”

Mrs. Lewis listened intently as Michael confessed himself to her; something Zoey was surprised by. Michael was never one to delve into his feelings too much, but it seemed that he had so many thoughts pent up, understandably, that when provided with an outlet to express his feelings without the worry of judgment or hurting anyone else’s feelings (like he would have had he expressed these thoughts to his parents, perhaps) he was able to really dig deep to the root of his worry and have a weight lifted off his shoulders from the burden it carried.

Michael wasn’t an emotional person. He could count on one hand the number of times she’d seen him cry. So when she saw a tear trickle down his cheek, Zoey couldn’t help but get emotional and cry along with him. She felt for him. What do you say to a person who is about to lose their father?

She felt guilty for not being there for him sooner. For letting their ties loosen so much that he felt he couldn’t confide in her anymore. It was no wonder he didn’t absolutely hate her for it. He deserved much better than what she’s offered him in the past five months. 

When Michael had reached the end of his rant, Zoey felt the urge to hug him, pulling him into the tightest, warmest hug she could muster as she pushed her tears aside. He relaxed into her embrace and felt the shuddering of his body begin to calm until his breathing evened out. She’d never seen him in so much pain before and she couldn’t blame him for breaking down in front of Mrs. Lewis. But if anyone would understand what he’s going through, it was her. 

Mrs. Lewis rounded the table and wrapped her arms around Michael, motherly shushing him and gently rocking him back and forth making a grown twenty-eight-year-old man look like a child in her arms. Michael seemed to calm from his uneasiness and cleared his throat, wiping his eyes as Mrs. Lewis sat back down in his seat. He was embarrassed, but neither of them criticized him for it. How could they? He had every right to feel what he was feeling. 

Not even a minute later, Mr. Lewis came stumbling through the front door, making his way back and beaming when he saw the two of them sitting at the table.

“You made it!” he exclaimed, plopping the boxes of pizza in the center of the table and reaching out for a quick hug while his wife began serving slices. He noticed Michael’s puffy red eyes and looked as though he was about to say something, but decided not to at the last minute, resorting to, “Dig in, I want to hear all about what you two have been up to.”

They each had a bite of their pizza while Mrs. Lewis eyed them curiously, asking, “So, are you two back together, or…?”

“No,” Zoey hurriedly responded, swallowing down her bite of food, “No, Mikey, here, has found himself a girlfriend.”

“She’s not my girlfriend yet,” Michael narrowed his eyes at her.

Zoey grinned in amusement, wiggling her eyebrows at Mr. and Mrs. Lewis who laughed, “So how did you meet this girl?”

“She’s a new hire at work. She’s the receptionist.”

“So no dating apps for you, then, huh?” Mr. Lewis joked before turning to Zoey, “What about you? Any boyfriends in LA?”

Zoey shrugged, feeling a little more confident in being more open now that she knew she didn’t have to worry about Michael being hurt. But she didn’t want to get into too much detail. Surely they didn’t need to know about all of her one night stands, friends with benefits, and sleeping with an international celebrity. So she simply said, “I’ve been dipping my toes in the dating scene, but nothing serious so far.”

“No?” Mrs. Lewis asked, expression bordering confusion, “I thought your mom said you had a boyfriend who took you and your sister to Italy for your birthday?”

Zoey’s eyes widened, unsure of what to say. Certainly, no one ever told her mother that Harry and she were a thing. Mrs. Lewis must have misunderstood. At least she was none the wiser on who the supposed ‘boyfriend’ was. She shook her head, laughing in an attempt to conceal her surprise, “No, no, no. I mean, yeah, I went to Italy, but it was with several of my friends. Boy friends, not boyfriend.” 

She stared at them fixedly to make sure they believed her. When they nodded and continued to ask her about her trip to Italy, she felt Michael’s suspicious gaze on the side of her face. She ignored it, telling them all about the guided tour, Katie’s crush on a cute Italian boy, shopping in the lanes, pizza making, wine tasting, and all of the dreamy nights spent poolside underneath the stars. 

“We’ve only been there once on our honeymoon,” Mrs. Lewis fondly recalled, smiling dewy-eyed, “I’m so glad you were able to meet some nice friends in LA. Jess would be so happy for you.”

Mr. Lewis placed a supportive hand on his wife’s back and Zoey pursed her lips with wide puppy-eyes. She missed Jess and wished, more than anything, she could have experienced all of this with her. She wanted to make new friends in LA with her, immerse themselves in Italian culture, she wanted to go on double dates with Jess, she wanted to go on more beach trips with her and ride on the back of sketchy motorcycles side-by-side, she wanted to tell Jess all about Harry and all the gross, cliche, sappy little moments between them that made the butterflies in her stomach go crazy. She wished Jess were here as a lending ear to hear her rant about the absurdity that came along with stupid boy crushes and as a shoulder to cry on when the unavoidable overwhelming grief took over her when Paul was no longer here. 

They’ll be together, she told herself. She’ll be in safe hands with Paul. They’ll be looking down on all of us, proud. They did this. The two of them. Jess and Paul were the light of this town, the reason why so many were compassionate, kind, and happy. And Zoey took solace in knowing that the world was a better place because of those two people. She was a better person because of them. And she will love them until the day she meets them again.

The minor display of emotion caused a group hug between the four of them and when they pulled away, they all laughed. After lunch, Mr. and Mrs. Lewis took the two of them to the poolhouse to check out Jess’s old living space. They hadn’t done much with it. They explained that they had plans to eventually make it into a guest house. They wanted to paint and get new furniture, but they hadn’t had the heart to change it entirely just yet. Most of her things were still there. Framed pictures of her with her friends, books that she was reading, most of her wardrobe still in the closet and dresser drawers. But it looked cleaner and more organized. There weren’t random clothes strewn about the floor or makeup covering the vanity. It felt different.

“Do you mind….can I have this?” Zoey asked, holding up a framed picture of her and Jess sitting on Zoey’s trampoline.

Mrs. Lewis smiled, nodding a yes. They talked a little longer before they decided it was probably time to get going and the couple led them to the front. “I’m so glad you were able to stop by, you guys. Thank you for thinking of us,” Mrs. Lewis sang.

“Thanks for having us. And for the pizza,” Michael smiled, giving them each a hug, followed by Zoey.

As they made their way towards Michael’s car, Zoey suddenly remembered and turned, calling out, “Oh! I almost forgot. My parents are having a BBQ tomorrow around 2. It’ll be my last night here before I catch the red-eye home. Would you two like to come? Michael’s parents will be there, too.”

The two of them smiled, looking at each other briefly before nodding and Mr. Lewis said, “We’ll see you two tomorrow, then.”

She grinned at them before jumping in Michael’s car and heading back to her parents’ house. The journey back was mostly discussions reflecting on Mr. and Mrs. Lewis and how happy they were to see the two of them in a better mental state than the previous year, but by the time they reached Zoey’s house, the conversation had changed to bets on which parent got drunk at the BBQ first. Zoey bet Paul would be first while Michael had bet on Mr. Lewis.

She had assumed that Michael would only be dropping her off at home, saying a quick goodbye to her parents on the way out. But her mom had cornered him, practically forcing him to stay for dinner as she was making her ‘world-famous shepherds pie’, which honestly had no taste to it and had no business being called ‘world-famous’. Not wanting to be rude, Michael accepted and stayed to eat. Throughout dinner Mary subtly hinted at her desire for Zoey to move back home, discussing the office remodel, mentioning little trips they could take as a family, and visits to Katie in college. It was clear that she was suffering from pre-empty nest syndrome, but she was laying it on thick.

After dinner was finished, Zoey had offered to clear the table, and with the help of Michael, loaded the dishes into the dishwasher. She dried her hands on a spare dish rag that sat on the countertop, staring at the framed picture of her and Jess that she had placed there right before they ate. Michael looked over at her, then to the yard, and back at her. 

“Come on,” he urged, taking the picture and leading the way towards the back door.

Zoey followed him outside, the sun setting and the faint, flickering glow of the lightning bugs hovered and the warm porch lights illuminated the garden. Michael climbed onto the trampoline, bouncing on his knees as she climbed on after him. The lack of netting surrounding the trampoline always terrified her mom, but she and her sister always hated the idea of being confined, so she left it open. 

The springs from the trampoline squeaked and creaked as they sat cross-legged, facing each other. Zoey slipped the picture out of Michael’s hands, running a few fingers across Jess’s face. She hadn’t seen her in so long that she was beginning to feel like Jess was a made-up imaginary friend. She needed these pictures and trinkets, like her bracelet, as proof of her existence. 

“Can’t believe it’s been a year,” Zoey hushed.

Michael nodded, pausing before wondering, “What do you think we’d be doing right now if she was still here?”

“We’d probably still be together,” Zoey said, laughing and looking up at him, teary-eyed “My life has changed so much in the past year. I’ve experienced more in the last four months than I have my whole entire life and she wasn’t here for any of it.”

“She was there,” Michael placed a reassuring hand on her knee, “you know that.”

“It’s not the same,” she shook her head, laying down on her back to look up at the stars, her hair scattering around her while holding the picture to her stomach.

Michael laid down beside her, sighing. The two of them had been through so much in the past year, and it still wasn’t over. He was glad that someone else understood what he was going through, but the fact that they had to go through this at all was ridiculous. There was a long silence before Zoey finally spoke again, the subject changed.

“So...tell me about this new girl of yours. Has she met the parents yet?”

Michael groaned again, “No because it’s not serious yet.”

“Oh, come on, you don’t have to be afraid to tell me. I broke up with you, remember?”

“There’s just not much to say. It’s too new,” Micheal shrugged, turning his attention towards her. “Besides, what about you?”

“What about me?” she asked defensively, furrowing her eyebrows at him.

“Don’t play dumb with me,” he smirked, “you don’t think I noticed the panic in your voice when Mrs. Lewis mentioned the ‘FRIEND’ who took you and Katie to Italy?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she blushed, looking back up at the night’s sky.

“I was with you for over four years. I know when you’re lying.”

Zoey rolled her eyes in annoyance, hating how predictable and easy-to-read she was. Hating the fact that she was about to talk about a man she considered to be her soulmate to a man she thought she would end up marrying. When did her life become this complicated?  

“First of all, he was never my boyfriend. Nothing even happened before the trip to Italy,” she said, matter-of-factly.

“Oh, so things happened in Italy, then?” He sounded cheeky, “Tell me about him. What’s he like?”

Zoey chuckled, trying to connect the dots of the stars above her, seeing what sort of pictures she could make out of them, “You wouldn’t even believe me if I told you,” she said under her breath. Sighing, she spoke louder, “It doesn’t matter, though. We kind of got into a fight. I don’t think it’s going to work out.”

“A fight about what?”

“Something stupid,” she admitted, “I called him out because he can’t ever make up his mind about what he wants and I basically told him I didn’t want to waste my time. He’s the one that called at dinner last night.”

“Is that why you came inside looking all upset?” Michael turned to look at Zoey, earning a nod in response. Michael slowly turned to look back up at the sky, putting his hands behind his head to elevate it a bit more, “Well, for what it’s worth, I think you’re right. You deserve to be prioritized. You’re worth it.”

“Thanks, Mikey.”

“No problem.”

The two of them laid there in comfortable silence for what felt like an hour, counting the stars when they heard a crack from the back door opening and closing. She figured it would just be Katie wanting to join in on the conversation. But when a deep, humble, monotone voice sounded her name from behind them, the two of them sat up, surprised by the unexpected visitor.

“Harry?!”

KEEP READING

------------------------------------------

Taglist for Somebody To You:

@thurhomish​ , @stilljosiegrossie​ , @odetostep​ , @apples2019​ , @stylesmioamore​ , @inyourhaven​

[chocojjk]

cafes and pinky promises

summary: bff! felix → idol! felix ,,, like i said , i suck at summaries 

words: 2.8k

a/n: yall im on a roll, i really don't know why im writing so much these past few days but enjoy,, i hope

not edited, per usual

as you entered your favorite cafe, you never expected to come face to face with the boy who filled up every second of your thoughts

in fact, it was the very boy that has created so many memories with you in this same exact place

you wanted to go up to him, to see how he was doing, ask him how idol life been treating him but you found yourself glued to the floor, unable to move

every single memory with him suddenly flashing in mind

-

the two of you met back in middle school

it was the typical story

you were the new kid in school,

didn't have any friends,,

sat alone at lunch,,,

then one day he came up to you wearing his brightest smile, the freckles upon his cheeks shining up like the stars in the sky

“hi, im felix”

(❁´◡`❁)

and the rest was history

you guys became the best of friends, practically glued to the hip

but let’s skip all that friendship fluff and fast forward to second year of high school

you guys have been best friends for a good four years now

one of the things that you guys love doing is going to the cafe a little out of town

the cafe had free wifi and barely any people so it became a routine to just go there after school and goof around

dont get me wrong, you guys do homework too

#getyoureducationkids

also like #fuckthesystem

anyways,,,,

since you guys were the smartest in your class, it never really took that long to finish homework and instead you guys would just have fun listening to music, telling bad jokes, watching a show on netflix, and sometimes even just playing rock paper and scissors

there’s never a dull moment between the two of you

honestly if it wasn’t for you and felix, the cafe would probably be out of business

even the owner knew you two

she was the sweetest old lady, always giving you guys extra cookies and letting you stay for as long as you can

she would also always joke around about how you two would make the cutest couple, comparing the two of you to her and her husband who were high school sweethearts

being young, the thought first made you wanna vomit

like ew,,, boys are gross

but as you grew older, you started seeing the boy in a different light

the small touches and the hand holding suddenly started to have meaning

everytime he laughed, it was music to your ears

his freckles became the most beautiful thing in the world, and you loved tracing each one of them

sure, you guys have had your own share of petty fights but at the end of the day it did nothing but strengthen the friendship that you two share

there were never any secrets

(((besides of course these feelings that were growing but shh we dont speak of that)))

you knew felix like the back of your hand and vice versa

and you could just see yourself spending every moment with him in the upcoming future

until of course one day,

“y/n, i need to tell you something but pinky promise you won’t get mad?”

“felix every time someone says that, people tend to be mad”

“y/n just pinky promise me you wont”

“ok, i pinky promise, now what is it??”

felix was absolutely terrified

he’s been meaning to tell you this for a while but every time he tried he just couldn't find the words to do so

and god, how he has let time pass him by

“im moving to korea”

you bursted out laughing and felix is confused as heck like?????

whats??

so ???

funny????

“seriously lix, you made me pinky promise not to be mad over a joke??”

you see, pinky promises may seem like a childish thing but it was sacred between the two of you

so when he used it over a joke, you just couldn’t help but let out a few couple giggles

however, as you turned to face him and saw the serious expression written on his face you found yourself at loss for words

“wait, are you serious?”

“yeah”

“wh-when are you leaving?”

“in a month”

“h-how long have you known???”

“ummmm” (´･_･`)

“felix.”

“Since we went to the park”

the park

you remembered that day, it was probably one of the happiest days of your life

you passed your math test with a perfect score and has just become the student body president of your class

on top of that, felix decided he wanted to treat you out for ice cream as he was proud of his best friend

what you didnt know was that this was the day that would change everything

this was the day he was scouted

the day he received the news that he was accepted as a trainee

and hes been finding a way to tell you 

but he just couldn't 

you were completely over the moon

as you guys were sitting on the swings, your hands occupied with your own ice cream cones

felix started talking about his dance team and choir class

you always knew how much he enjoyed those classes

yet as he talked about his passion, his eyes twinkling and his mouth curving into the softest smile, you truly got a grasp on how much your best friend loved music and performing

you can't help but think back to a few days ago, when your friend brought up how much your eyes sparkled talking about felix

you wondered if you looked the same as how felix looked now, talking about the things that he loved to do  

and then it hit you

you were in love with your best friend

god reader, how cliche could you be (●'◡'●)ﾉ♥

“felix, that was two months ago.”

to say you were mad was an understatement,, you were filled with rage

anger and disappointment all just combining into one

suddenly the future that you clearly saw vanished because every single one of those versions had the boy by your side

“im sorry”

not knowing how to respond, you started packing up your things in your backpack

felix just watching you do so, thinking of things to say to make the situation at hand better

once you stood up, he snapped out of his thoughts, worry completely washing over his eyes

“where are you going?”

“im going home.” you say emotionlessly

“let me walk you”

“no”

and that was the last of it

he tried calling you several times after that yet all he was left with was your voicemail

every time he approached you at school, you would walk the other way

every day he would show up at the cafe hoping to see your face, yet that day never came because you stopped going

you figured it’d be easier to let him go if you just stayed mad at him

you figured that your feelings would automatically go away if you replaced them with hate

but reader, you were so wrong  

the day came when he finally had to go

that day was painfully hard for you

your whole class was bidding him goodbye, and all you could do was watch from the sidelines, your pride way too high to forgive him now

no one really knew about your guys’ fall out as you found it was better to keep things to yourself than become the schools new gossip

and so when everyone started asking you how you felt, you responded with the most generic answers

“whatever makes him happy, im happy”

oh reader, you are such a liar

it wasn't until a year after, that you truly forgave him

and that was because a classmate of yours barged into the room, waving her phone around

“Guys remember felix!, well he’s an idol now!!”

as soon as you got home that day, you searched up his name, and there he was

Lee Felix

Stray Kids

and you realized how stupid you’ve been

you never even bothered asking him why he was leaving

you cried yourself to sleep that night as you look back on the wasted friendship that you threw down the drain

but you figured that there was no point in being sad over it anymore

you were done holding grudges

so the next day you went back to the cafe and binged the survival show that your best friend, well ex best friend, was in

the sweet old day was overjoyed when she saw your familiar face

she asked you where your partner in crime was and with a genuine smile you responded with “he’s out there doing bigger and greater things”

ever since then, you made the cafe a weekly trip

it hurt you to know that you spent your time resenting him so you made a pinky promise to yourself, that even if he didnt know, you would support him no matter what

you ended up buying all their albums

watching their vlives

staying up late for their debuts

hell, you've even gon to the point of making a stan account just to be be updated

-

which brings you to now

you knew that felix was in australia, they were having a concert here

you even got a ticket for yourself, not close enough where he could see you of course

you were still ashamed of your actions even though it’s been almost two years

so when you walked in the cafe and saw him with his 8 buds seated in your guys’ usual spot, you definitely didn't know how to react

seeming as they haven't spotted you yet, you quickly made your way out the door

however, Elise, the sweet old lady, had other plans

“y/n, honey, leaving so quickly?”

and that was when 9 heads turned to the door

all 18 eyes just looking at you

‘fuck y/n okay just act cool’

‘youre fine’

‘maybe they don't even notice you’

‘omg speak’

“y/n?” felix says, his deep voice breaking you out of your thoughts

“felix?? Hi!!!” you say, giving him the biggest fake smile ever

it’s not that you wanted to okay, it was just a very awkward situation and you have no idea how to act

‘smooth y/n, so smooth’

I swear if you could facepalm yourself, you’d be doing so with both of your hands + the hands of the 7 billion people on this earth

“uhm hi?,” he replies, obviously confused as to why you suddenly acknowledged his existence

truth to be told, he was expecting you to ignore him just like all the other times before

“well, won't you look at that, my two musketeers are back together,” Elise butts in, 

“ah, it's just like the old days, would you guys like some cookies???” she says, a soft smile on her face

“no that's okay El, im heading out soon anyways, can i just have the usual caramel macchiato?” you say quickly, ignoring the awkward tension in the air

“sure thing hon”

and as she goes to the back to make your order, you were left with the 9 boys

welp

its now or never

“uhm, when did you get back?”

you ask, your hands automatically playing with the hem of your shirt, a clear sign that you were nervous

“im just here for the week”

“oh,,, nice”

“Yeah”

(>_<)

the other boys just sitting in silence, going back and forth between the two of you

they know exactly who you are, and trust me, they arent your biggest fans

which is exactly why they chose to not break the awkward tension in the air

and you swear, you wish you can just have the earth open up and swallow you whole

“hon, heres your order!”

oh thank god,,

Elise is your savior

even though you wouldnt even be in this situation if it wasnt for her

you quickly grab your drink and make your way out,,, but not before saying

“uhm, it was nice seeing you again lix,” you say, this time, a genuine smile on your face

◐ˍ◑

when felix heard the nickname that you've once given him, he couldn't believe his ears

great job reader, you’ve left him stunned

taking his silence as a response, cause youre kinda a dumbass, you nodded to him and the other boys and left the cafe

however as you made your way to your car

something clicked inside of you

,,,,

fuck it

,,,,

you ran back to the cafe, grabbing the door wide open at the same exact time that felix pushed it open

which caused him to stumble right on top of you, your coffee being thrown a whole meter away

at least it wasn't on your shirt

“omygod im so sorry! are you okay?” he asks, picking you up and checking you for bruises

and youve realized that he hasnt changed one bit

he’s still your best friend felix

the same felix that treats you with so much love and care

the same felix you fell in love with all those years ago

and you couldnt help but let out a tear

this worried felix even more

“what is it?? whats wrong???”

you were blown out sobbing at this point

“Im ๑•́ㅿ•̀๑) ᔆᵒʳʳᵞ ”

“huh??”

“im so sorry felix, i-”

your emotions not allowing you to create a single coherent sentence

but because felix still knew you like the back of his hand, he knew exactly what you were talking about

“lets go inside okay”

all you could do was nod and let him guide you to your usual spot that was now empty

grabbing a couple napkins, he wipes your tears away for you before you finally became conscious of what was happening and took control

“I didnt know you still came to this cafe?” he says, finally breaking the silence

“yeah uhm, i started coming back,”

“why?”

“I-i guess i just missed you”

“I thought you hated me”

“No,” you say quickly, that was the last thing you wanted him to think

“i didnt hate you, i was just angry and sad and i acted upon those emotions. I was stupid, im sorry”

“its okay, i understand, youre not stupid y/n”

god damn it,, 

why is this guy so nice,,

“no felix, it's not okay. we were best friends, i should have talked to you. I-i shouldnt have cut you off like that especially when i didnt even give you a chance to explain yourself”

damn okay reader, admitting to your mistakes, im p r o u d

“Its all in the past now y/n”

“can you forgive me for being a bitch?” 👉👈

This got a chuckle from felix

“as long as you can forgive me for keeping a secret from you” he replies, shooting you a smile

you smile back at him

“ive forgiven you a long time ago lix”

,,,,

,,,,

felix has stopped malfunctioning

“ive missed you,” he says grabbing your hand from across the table and holding it the way he used to

“ive missed you too,,, so much,,, im so proud of you,”

“proud of me?”

“yeah, youve finally done what youve always dreamt of”

“you know?”

“of course i know lix, youre everywhere!”

“it kinda sucks how you know whats been going on in my life and i dont know a single clue about yours”

“I can always catch you up!” you say excitedly, but as you see the sad smile that began to etch his way onto his face, you see that that’s not the case

“busy schedule?” you question

“yeah” he replies, the grip on your hand becoming tighter, almost like he doesnt want to let go

“thats okay, im sure we’ll find some time,” you say maintaining the positive energy

right on cue, chan peeps his head in the door

“Felix we have to go now, i tried convincing them to give you more time but were already running behind schedule”

“aish” felix replies as his tears suddenly made his way down

he gets up and pulls you into a bone crushing hug as you breathe in his scent, taking it all in

“im sorry i have to go so soon”

“thats okay felix, ill always be here”

“i hope i can see you again before I leave,”

“oh dont worry, you will” you say, a big smile on your face

“what do you mean?”

“just watch out for me at the concert, yeah?”

“youre coming???!!!!??”

“yep, already got my ticket!”

and you swear youve never seen felix smile so brightly before

“you pinky promise?”

“I pinky promise.”

[nottragedies]

Faberge never should have let him fuck her.

She only had in the first place because, at the time, she believed that it was the right move to keep herself on top. Esmara had just begun to creep into the picture, and the ridiculousness of someone like her stealing attention was so completely bewildering that Faberge had to jump to drastic conclusions to even make an ounce of sense of it.

So maybe Faberge had made his dick so perpetually hard that the second some D grade floozy let him believe he’d have somewhere to put it he’d go and act like an idiot about it. He was an idiot, so that wasn’t even hard to believe.

So fine, all Faberge would have to do is give it up enough for him to remind him that she was the best there ever was to get it, and get him back to the point where it was all he ever thought about. Everything would go back to normal.

That’s how it was supposed to go.

The only thing more aggravating than the fact that it didn’t work, was the idea that she even let herself feel anything remotely comparable to threatened in the first place. He sure wasn’t even fucking worth any of it.

No one was, for that matter.

“Can I get you a refill?”

Faberge had become so fixated on her thoughts that she’d nearly forgotten where she was, seated at the bar of Uncle Lex’s very own new Nucleus. She turns her gaze to find that now, standing beside her, is a girl, looking back at her with shiny, hopeful eyes.

Faberge doesn’t yet reply, looking down to the drink in front her, also haven’t realized it was now nearly empty. Even if no one was deserving of enough of her attention to get invested in, that didn’t mean she couldn’t occasionally humor someone who rightfully wanted it, and this girl was cute enough, she supposed, so Faberge waved her manicured hand in acceptance.

The other girl grins, and wastes no time calling over the bartender to order two drinks, a replacement of Faberge’s and one for herself, then hops herself into the seat next to Faberge to officially join her. “Hyoeun.” She introduces. “Hyo.”

Faberge’s half listening, at best, focusing more attention on the new drink in her hand, not responding until after she’s set it back upon the bar with a sizable swig missing. “Faberge.”

“Pretty.”

Faberge knows, even knows that it’s meant to be about more than just her name. Usually she would have giggled and played coy, but tonight, maybe because of the drinks or souring her mind thinking about Jaeger, she can’t be bothered. So instead, she leans forward, resting her elbow on the bar so she can in turn rest her face in her hand, reply only with a “Yeah.”

A silence follows, if it could be called that with the music thrumming through the building. Faberge almost expects the other to get bored or dejected and leave, but to her credit she pushes on. “Come here often?” She asks, laughing. Probably at the fact that not only is the cliche itself likely a joke, but also at the fact that the place only just opened, here in Jonestown, anyway.

“Well, I do know the owner.”

“Oh wow, really?”

Faberge hums. “My uncle is his husband. My dad also fucked him once, but no one talks about that.”

Hyo’s eyes widen. “Cool.”

“He just used to manage the old one, but I guess he was like, good enough at it that they trusted him with his very own. Or whatever.” Even as Faberge started to say the words herself she could feel herself getting bored.

“Oh yeah, my friend Naomi used to go to that one. She was excited there’s now one closer to home, so it was her idea to come out. She’s the quintessential underground hacker kid so I can see how it’s totally up her alley.”

Faberge hums again, her only response this time. The more the conversation became less about herself the more boring and pointless she found it, but she was having trouble coming up with a way to turn it back around. This was why usually she didn’t drink very much. Threw her off her game. But there hadn’t been a game to play when she had left that evening, so where was the point in staying sober? And now that she was this far there wasn’t really any going back, so instead of bothering to try, she finishes off her drink.

And then they have another round.

~

Faberge wakes up on a couch in a house she doesn’t recognize, with a migraine and an aching gut. Sunlight pours in through the windows with a brightness that seems excessive. She re-positions herself, intending to get up completely, but instead settles on merely sitting for a few extra moments.

“Oh, you’re awake!” Comes a chipper voice from somewhere near, and soon there’s a pajama clad girl sitting on the other end of the couch. Faberge vaguely remembers her. “How do you feel?”

“Fine.” Faberge replies, plainly, despite feeling like death. She only admits weakness when it’s advantageous to her, and letting a stranger think she’s comprised is not an instance where that applies. In fact, the lie almost seems to actually give her more strength.

“Oh good! You really weren’t in a state to drive, last night, so my friends brought you home. You kind of passed out on the way, or else we would have offered you something more comfortable to sleep in.” The girl (Hyo?) smiles, bunny like front teeth on display.

“Where’s the bathroom?”

“Oh, right!” Hyo hops up, extending her hand to offer assistance to Faberge, but Faberge is perfectly capable of getting up on her own. “Right this way!” Faberge is lead through the house, a quaint little thing, the occasional clutter scattered but mostly seemingly up kept. They pass by the kitchen, where a leggy redhead is working away at the stove.

“Here you go.” The other girl states, motioning to the bathroom. “I can get you that change of clothes now, if you’d like to take a shower?”

Using someone else’s shower and wearing someone else’s clothes doesn’t initially sound appealing to Faberge, until she realizes just how gross she currently feels, not to mention how she likely looks. “Fine.”

Hyo nods, scampering into a room nearby, returning after a few moments with an arm full of clothes, offering them to Faberge, who accepts, then steps into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her without another word.

“Oh, okay.” She can hear Hyo say with an attitude on the other side. Faberge does not care.

The shower does help, despite the fact that she hates to not smell like her own smells, the scorching water, and the end result of just feeling clean helps to alleviate the grossness she had felt just moments ago.

She stands with a fluffy towel wrapped around her as she picks through the clothes Hyo handed to her. She provided her with a selection, everything from pajamas to jeans, multiple tops, even a dress, in varying sizes, though Faberge figures that any of them would probably fit her well enough.

None of them are going to make exactly something Faberge would wear, but not all of them are exactly awful, either. Maybe Hyo had tried her to best to select things she assumed Faberge wouldn’t hate, based on what she had seen of her so far.

How cute.

Faberge picks out a pink miniskirt, a simple white tank top, and keeps her own underwear. After dressing herself in front of the mirror, she helps herself to a brush sitting on the sink, tackling her tangles. Standing in an unfamiliar bathroom, in clothes that aren’t hers, barefaced, is almost a surreal experience. The days following Valentines had been, too. Even when she had been in control, continuing to doll herself up just as she always had, she’d still often found herself in moments where everything seemed to fog over in a haze of ‘who had she become?’

Who had she become to let this happen?

If anything, in this moment, with it’s limited resources, Faberge is more determined than ever to not lose sight of herself to the sheer stupidity of her life. Faberge continues to help herself to these strangers' things, picking through the various make-up scattered around.

She was Faberge Welt, hotter and better than anyone, and nothing and no one was going to take that from her.

~

“Oh, you look pretty!” Hyo greets, popping out from the kitchen, Faberge assumes from hearing the door to the bathroom. Faberge smiles in response, and Hyo beams right back. “How are you feeling?”

“Better.” Faberge answers, following after Hyo when the other motions for her.

“Good! Would you like some breakfast?”

“That’d be lovely.”

They sit at a table with another girl already planted there, who Hyo introduces as Mihi. Faberge pretends it’s a pleasure to meet her. When plates of pleasant smelling food start to be brought out and set down, Hyo introduces Nina as well.

Hyo continues to go on about some other girl ‘who I talked about last night’ who’s probably not awake yet because of ‘the whole hacker thing’ but Faberge’s not really listening, instead watching Nina for a moment. Now that she’s got a better look at her, she’s vaguely familiar, and Faberge starts to remember that she’d seen her around the throb on occasion, with her boyfriend. When she thinks on it a little harder, she realizes that’s probably not the only place.

“Were you at the Valentine’s day party?”

Hyo stops whatever it was she was saying, blinking and looking between the two of them, settling on Faberge. “You were there too?” then, suddenly, she whips back around to face Nina. “You didn’t tell me that!”

Nina blinks down at Hyo from where she’s standing, but Faberge cuts in before Nina can vocalize anything, if she does recognize Faberge and the events of that night, Faberge’s determined to take control of her narrative before it can be tarnished by what anyone may have seen or heard.

“There was a bit of scene.” Faberge starts, careful not to imply she caused the scene. “I had just found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me. Twice over.” All three of the other girls turn their attention to her at that.

“Oh no.” Says the one named Mihi. “On Valentine’s Day?”

“That’s terrible.” Nina says, full of sincerity.

“Yeah it is.” Hyo is the last to speak, but she’s also seemingly the most riled up. “Oh my god.” She grabs the butter knife next to her pancakes. “Let’s kill him.”

Faberge’s thought about it, many times. “Aw, just him?” Faberge asks, putting on her best mock-pouty voice, even purposely making it sound fake, for the sake of ‘it’s a joke’. “What about all three?”

Faberge basks in the inner satisfaction when she notices Hyo’s eyes glint even brighter. “Oh hell yeah.”

Faberge laughs, and so does Hyo. From the other side of the table, Mihi’s giggling, and it doesn’t even currently bother Faberge that she suspects it’s more from laughing at them than with them. Even Nina’s got a look of fond amusement when she sets the last plate on the table and sits to join them, though she declares “No murder until after breakfast.”

Hyo whines and rolls her eyes, while Faberge can’t help but realize that currently, she’s not completely miserable.

[cocopeno]

Rant: Slasher Season 1

2/10 :: Do not recomend

I love horror. I love scary, I love suspense, I love terror-I have a weak stomach, but I appreciate gore and love it in the pricinple of how it works in cinema. I love good horror and I love cheesy, B movie grade horror, and foolish comedy parody humor, but what I don't love, is stupid horror. Horror so powefully cliched and dumb that it insults me for expecting more. Horror that makes me feel like I've just been slapped in the face for knowing how to read. So as I write this now, I am watching the first season finale of Netflixs "Slasher" horror seires, and I have to say, I do not love it. And, the first season I definetly did not love.

In fact, I hated it. I hate this finale, and I hated this show so much. I watched this whole 50 minute 8 episode season and I hate it. Here is a short essay style rant on why I think its bad and why you should too. (And spoilers. Obviously.)

1. Everyone is an idiot,

Ok so to start out, some context. In my opinion, the best part of horror movies is the relationship the victems/survivers have between the killer/monster/whatever. The killer wants to kill, the survivers want to survive, sounds simple right? Well what makes this dynamic so interesting is when power dynamics become shifted throught the movie. Example: The surviver gets a knife, the killer cuts the power, the surviver successfully hids, ect. Now whats even better is when these twists are surprising. Like when the killer is revealed to be someone completely unexpected, or a small detail from the begining turns out to be very important later on. However, everything relies on forethought, clever plot twists and smart planning to keep everything from being stale, or too cliched, like someone suddenly having a chainsaw while on a boat.

So, after watching the whole season, I can very safely say NOTHING SMART HAPPENED.

Every ploy that they made to act smart didnt have any actual logic behind it. Sarah returning to talk to her parents killer, for advice. W H Y. Why not the internet? Why not talk to other police officers than the two who either berate you or barely help you at all or maybe your journalist husband??? Nope?? Guess not??? Then there was all these dumb moments where the characters would just do things that were so stupid. Like why did Allison go to do the interview with no police contact? (Which we know didnt really matter) but it was just really.. dumb.

Like no one took the fact that A SERIAL KILLER WAS ACTUALLY KILLING PEOPLE. People would be terrified.

2. None of the grief is real.

The very first murder in the show is of sarah's parents. Sarah, as a child is then taken under the care of her gradmother, who acts as her mother. There is no realistic reaction of grief on sarahs part to losing the only parental figure she's ever known. It doesnt matter whether your 30, or 60 losing your mother changes your whole world. Sarah, looked at some pictures, was a little sad, then continued working normally and decided to pursue the killer on her on accord. Which, in itself also doesnt make a lot of sense becuase she's an artist. Not a police artist, not a once detective no retired artist, just an artist with obsession? Even that isnt really well portrayed because for the most part Sarah just looks like she's confused by life. Ok, getting sidetracked, the point is that they was a large lack of realistic emotion of loss and trauma. For all the victems families, like the fact that the grandma would just show up in the house without any kind of scene or moment about how she feels the show is just so shallow.

So, im just over this, imma start the second season.. But my expectations are very very low.

I wil say though.. the gore was pretty great.

[jaybirdxarsenal]

Little White Lies (II) - (Jason Todd x Reader)

Part 1. Masterlist.

Words: 1.8k

Permanent tag: @fangirlnova, @jasonsredhoodie, @thelittlestsnart, @jaytemis-tbh, @nightravenxx , @tacticaldivine, @trashyemonerd

Story tag: @rnindexplosion, @justoneystrdy, @ravenfirenight, @nabilaqmr, @karismah, @sarcasmismyfirstlove, @catlya, @illeatyoursoulwithmustard 

(the ones that are cut I wasn’t allowed to tag)

Thank you so much for 2k followers! 

''Can I help you?'' He tried his best to find his words, and even though you weren't able to see it, he was shocked that you were standing in front of him. Since this morning when he bumped into you he couldn't stop thinking about how much he wanted to tell you how beautiful you look today, just like any other day.

''Sugar.'' The only thing that crossed your mind was how people ask their neighbors if they have sugar. The stupid cliche you always see in movies. People really ask their neighbors for sugar? It was stupid but you at least pulled out a word.

''I think I have some.'' He mumbled, trying his best to remember if he really has any and to also stay calm and act as normal as possible around you. He had no idea when he did the groceries the last time. Usually Alfred does them for him or one of his brothers comes with fast food.

You weren't that type of person who invades someone else's personal space, but this time you let yourself in in Jason's apartment when he left to the kitchen, even though he didn't invited you in. Still, he didn't protested when you followed him, he was actually more than happy to be that close to you, even for a little while.

''I'm sorry for the mess...I wasn't expecting anyone.'' It wasn't just a mess, it was like a tornado made it's way into Jason's apartmen. Bottles of alcohol, unfinished cigarettes, clothes all over the floor, dishes, food that was probably more than two weeks old. That's how much you affected Jason Todd. So much that he neglected everything, everything except for you.

He looked bad. Really bad. You never thought someone would love you that much to end up like this. You didn't just broke his heart when the ''accident'' happened and forgot who he was, you ruined him. It was like in the picture you were holding in your pocket it was a totally different person, it was nothing like the one standing in front of you. It was like Jason Todd died once again when your memory did.

''I swear I had some the last time I checked.'' He whispered looking through the stuffs he had on the top shelf.

''I...'' You tried to find your words while he wasn't looking at you. ''Jason...'' You almost whispered. It was such a weird feeling to say his name out loud, not only in your head. The whole day you thought about the name that belongs to the man you once loved, but now that you hear it it's more pleasant than thinking about it.

Your voice saying his name gave him goosebumps and he was terrified of turning around to face you,but he did it anyway. ''I'm not here for sugar.''

He looked at you confused. There were a lot of things going on in Jason's head at the time, and it might've crossed his mind that you are here because of him. That you remembered him and how much you love him, just like he loves you. But he left that corner of his mind because it was too bright for a lost and dark soul like his. He felt like he didn't deserved that much happiness.

''Then what are you here for? It's because of the music, isn't it?''

He was sure it was the music. He was aware that he sometimes listens to music really loud, but it was all with a purpose. Jason never understood before the accident, your weird passion for sad song. They made you feel better. After your accident Jason understood what was all that about. Listening to your favorite songs made him feel better and a little bit closer to you. Even though he was crying while listening to them, it felt like you were there to wipe away the tears.

He plays every song every night in the hope that you might remember one of them. That you might remember him. When he can't sleep because of the nightmares, he look through the window at the stars, his mind creating different scenarios where you and him are back together like you used to.

''Your music is very lovely, it doesn't bother me at all.'' You assured him. ''Maybe you could give me your playlist, if you want. I'd really enjoy to listen to them more often.''

Starting a conversation, that's good step. You thought.

His face brightened up and you could swear that for a second he smiled. It was like his smile wasn't even there but you it felt good and right knowing that even for a second you succeed to make him smile.

'Yes, sure! It would be my pleasure.'' He started to look for something then he continued. ''To be honest, when I saw you at my door the last thing I was really curious what brought you here. I still am.''

You removed the picture from your pocket trying to find the right words. But does the right words even exist? You've already been through the worst as a couple and anything you could say it would be nothing comparing to what happened to both of you. You have a broken memory and he has a broken heart, what a perfect match!

''I came for this.''

At first he didn't know what you were holding in your hand, but as he walked closer to you he remembered the entire day. He smiled, a sad smile that broke your heart. Damian told you about the accident and not even for a second you blamed it on Jason and you hate that he blames himself. He was as much of a victim as you were, only that his scars weren't visible as yours.

''Where do you have this?'' He took the picture from your hand, analyzing it. How happy you two were. He had a soft, almost hidden smile on his face.

''Damian. I'm his art teacher. He told me everything.''

''Oh...'' He sighed.

In that moment Jason was thinking only about how you find out about how he ruined your life. How he almost got you killed. Since then Jason cries more than he ever did in his entire life and he was trying his best not to cry in front of you right now. Even though his Red Hood persona and his though personality follows Jason everywhere, you were the first person to discover that Jason was more sensitive than he wants to show.

''It wasn't your fault, Jason.'' You never saw someone even in your life as confused as Jason. It was impossible not to notice the guilty in his eyes. ''Can we sit down?''

He immediately took all the clothes and the other things he had on the couch and threw them on the floor. You couldn't help but smile seeing how sloppy he acts around you, like he was a teenager having a crush on the popular girl at school. You were never the popular girl and it was weird how Jason made you feel more important than you really are.

''I don't know where to start.'' You sighed.

''Do...do you remember me?'' He asked even though he was terrified of the answer. ''I mean, do you remember anything about me? About us?''

''I...'' You didn't wanted to make him sad again, but it was the time to only be truthful and let the lies for others. ''I don't.'' It was impossible not to notice how his hopeful smile faded. ''But I want to.''

He raised his eyebrows, surprised.

''You do?''

''Yes. It's been awfully lonely for me all this time since I had the accident. I don't know what I even call it like that when it was anything but an accident. Anyway, I had so many questions but no one wanted to answer me. I don't remember much and even though my memories may never come back that doesn't mean we can't make new ones.''

''That sounds great. I bet you have a lot of questions.''

You giggled and nodded. ''Millions, actually.'' You rested your hand over his, squeezing it a little bit, thing that he probably didn't even felt. ''You know, I learned how to make this great Italian dish and if you want I can show it to you while we catch up on some things.''

That night you learned a lot of things about Jason and your relationship. You were more than grateful when Jason let you know that he can cook, because you weren't the best at it. You laughed together, talked about different things and topics like one of Jason's favorite, literature.

Your mind had no memory of this Jason Todd who spend his nights wondering in Gotham as a vigilante, but definitely your heart did. It was the best feeling in the world.

* A few years later*

‘‘That’s not true!’‘ The little girl protested, crossing her arms around her chest, thing that made her father laugh.

‘‘Yes,princess, it’s true. Your mother didn’t ate your brother. That’s just how babies are made. There is an egg and-’‘ Jason started his sentence but his daughter stopped him, pressing her little hand over his mouth.

‘‘Exactly, daddy! Listen to me, I saw her.’‘

‘‘You saw mommy eating your brother?’‘ Jason raised his eyebrow, asking himself how is that even possible for a child to have such a huge imagination while wondering what did his daughter really saw?

‘‘Yes.’‘ She looked so much like Jason. From her black hair and bright blue eyes to the attitude. In that moment she looked so serious, like no joke in this world could make her laugh, not even her favorite ones her father always tells her.

‘‘How come?’‘ It’s been a few years since you and Jason welcomed your daughter into this world, but Jason still can’t believe that he finally has his own family. He was always that type of person who cared about his family but you and his daughter with the little one who’s on the way, it was different. It’s like his own little paradise.

‘‘Well you said that there is an egg and mommy ate an egg. I saw her.’‘ 

‘‘Princess, that’s not how it works.’‘ He couldn’t help but laugh, while the little one asked herself what is so funny about what she said.

‘‘Yes, it does! Don’t be silly, daddy!’‘

Right on time, you came into the room to help your husband explain your daughter how all the baby thing actually works. 

‘‘Well, how about we ask mommy where babies come from? I bet she knows better than me and you.’‘ Jason proposed and the little girl nodded.

You joined Jason and your daughter on the small blanket she settled in the middle of the living room so she can play picnic with her toys. She prepared a cup of tea for you and another one for her and Jason, while waiting for an explanation.

‘‘I love you!’‘ Jason whispered in your ear, right before pressing a little kiss behind it.

‘‘I love you too!’‘

[jacqthehermit]

Why Do I Ship BoruSara

WARNING: Pro-BoruSara, if you are an anti/hater and you still read this then don’t blame me if you get triggered. I already warned you, not my fault. Learn to stay in your lane, mofos.

Agree or disagree, this is my opinion IDGAF

First of all I want to say sorry anon. I know you’ve been like “WTH Jacq! I’ve seen you online and posting some shit why the fuck are you not answering my question!?!” I know okay? I’m sorry.

The reason why I keep on delaying my answer to this is because I cannot decide whether I’m gonna answer this short or if I’m gonna make a detailed blog about it. Finally, after contemplating for days, I decided to just make it short. I think if I make a detailed blog, it will be long as fuck and never ending since I love the ship so much lmao. No one reads my long ass boring af blogs and try hard short stories anyway (which I make to accompany my drawings sometimes) FeelsBadMan

So what made me ship BoruSara in the first place? I think my answer can be found in most of my previous blogs about them and I will say it again here. The reason I started shipping BoruSara is because I wanted a different approach in romance in the story.

The main ships in first gen was basically: Girl finds the boy cool, falls for him and girl saved by the boy, eventually develops deeper feelings for him. I know they were puppy love at first which grew into real love at the end. I mean I ain’t complaining about that especially my first OTP was one of them, SS. It’s just that I want to move on with this kind of romantic development. We’re in the next generation now! Time for something new!!!

That’s why when I first saw Boruto and Sarada in Chapter 700, I fell in love and shipped them right away. The chemistry was so overflowing I just can’t. I know antis and haters are just blind to see that or just in denial lmao. 

“Why Boruto?! You shipped SS in the first gen. Sasuke was the stoic, mysterious, silent, bad boy type. Boruto is the opposite!!! You should’ve ship Sarada with someone else!!! Our princess doesn’t deserve this annoying loud piece of shit” 

Yes I like those type of anime guys but sometimes I also like those loud, aggressive and playful ones. Like when I read shoujo mangas before, sometimes I’m all in for the jerk male lead but there will also be times when I fall for the second male lead who is a nice guy. Same goes for here. Again, we’re in the next gen, time for change mofos!

What I also like about him is that he aint some dumb shit. Boruto is smart, he studies well (thanks to his mother) and he is a prodigy. Yeah he was rebellious at first but after the Momoshiki fight, he stopped being a whiny bitch about his dad which I really appreciate a lot. I mean he was just a kid and his dad rarely goes home what do you fucking expect? He’ll understand right away? Even in real life we all know how kids act rebelliously and go emotional whenever they don’t receive enough attention from their parents so I don’t get why people can’t understand that? I mean are we all living in the same planet or what seriously.

The hate about Boruto being super strong and a prodigy is weird as well. First he is the fucking protagonist whether you or I like it or not. Of course he will be the OP one just like in other shounen anime/manga. Second, Boruto is the fucking son of Naruto and Hinata, nephew of Neji, grand son of Minato and Kushina. WHAT DO YOU FUCKING EXPECT FROM THEIR GENES?! WHY ON EARTH WILL THEY PRODUCE A WEAKLING!?! OF COURSE HE’S GONNA BE FUCKING OP. It’s not like it’s Boruto’s fault that he came from a super strong family. He is born this way smh.

“Why Sarada?! She’s mean to Boruto!!! She doesn’t care about him! She hurts him! She only cares about being hokage! Boruto deserves better than this arrogant bitch!!!”

I don’t really get this “Sarada is mean to Boruto”. As far as I know, she’s always concern about him. Even from the beginning when Boruto was fighting with Iwabe, it was clear that she was worried, Chou Chou even noticed it. Whenever Boruto gets hurt, Sarada is always the one tending his wounds (ex: during their Mist village field trip and during their first mission as team 7 where she pulled the bandages tighter because she knew Boruto was lying that he was not hurt.) 

Sarada always checks on Boruto, not only because she doesn’t want their team to encounter some trouble but because she doesn’t want Boruto to do something reckless (remember when she nominated him as class field trip leader so she can keep an eye on him). If she’s fucking mean to him and doesn’t give a shit about him, I don’t think she will give a damn to do these things. If this is what being mean is to you then I don’t know what kind of comprehension you guys have lmao.

Alright about Sarada’s words and action towards Boruto. Sarada scolds Boruto obviously because we all know that Boruto is hard headed (still we also know that even if she scolds him or whoever it is, he will still go on his way just like his dad lol) And it’s not like she’s insulting him or saying hurtful words. Most of the time they’re just arguing and I don’t think there is something wrong with that. It’s normal to argue specially when your ideas clash with each other.

How about when she hits Boruto? I don’t know but in real life when we play fight or tease with our friends, we tend to punch or slap each other. BUT of course not as hard as shown in anime because bruh of course in anime it will be super exaggerated for the comedy. Same when for example our friend is about to do something stupid or has done something wrong, sometimes we be like “Bruh why you did that!” then we hit them on the head (again not as hard as shown in the anime cuz we irl) Therefore I just think it’s nothing serious.

Don’t start me with “No Sarada is violent with Boruto!!” Again, this is anime, and that “hitting” is just part of the comedy. If you still gonna go with this stupid reason then what about Temari? She hits both of Shikamaru and Shikadai even with her fucking weapon. Does she SERIOUSLY wanted to hurt or kill them? Of course not, why would she do that to his husband and child. This is all just fucking exaggeration to show how pissed the character is. All animes/mangas do this ffs. 

“Pfft! But if BoruSara go canon it’ll be so cliche!”

You wanna know what’s more cliche? The fucking male protagonist of the shounen manga/anime falls for that female character who is

Usually weak at the beginning, then will just grow stronger at the end.

The ideal type for most men: The girly girl, shy type with big tits. If you act rough, or you’re boyish with a flat chest, you’re out.

In love with him or already has feelings for him right from the start because he is the coolest guy she ever met or she regards him as her hero.

Sounds familiar? Sounds like Na-ru-to *cough* Fai-ry-Ta-il *cough* Ble-ach *cough* <insert other shounen anime/manga with same shit> 

Hold up your horses! Before you flame and send me hate, I just want to be fucking clear. I am not saying that this kind of romance structure in shounen anime/manga is wrong. I understand that shounen animes/mangas target the male audience that’s why anime/manga creators tend to choose this path most of the time. If you guys like it too that way (in every shounen) it’s fine, we’re cool. It’s just that for me, it gets boring once in a while. Also I am not hating on this type of characters. That’s how the author/creator wanted them to be, I can’t do anything about it.

Why can’t the male protagonist of the shounen manga/anime fall for the female character who is:

Already strong right from the beginning. I don’t get why their female love interests have to be this meek character at the beginning who usually will encounter some kind of trouble where the male lead will save her then only from that time she will realize or be inspired that she needs to be strong to not burden the male lead.

Bold, brave and has a strong personality. I am not saying she has to be necessarily boyish. What I am trying to say is that why is the love interest would always be that shy and timid type? Can’t it be the confident type this time? The one who can fight for herself and what she believes in. The one who is tough, can be rough sometimes but still ladylike all throughout.

Worthy to be called as his rival, on par on his skills and strength. Damsel in distress is so old fashioned! Princess being saved by a prince is nice but come on guys, ain’t it cooler to have a princess who can also fight beside you right from the start?!?!

These are the reasons why I ship BoruSara and why I want them to happen, they just complement each other so perfectly. In addition, I am also a huge sucker for rivals turned into lovers type of love story. I strongly believe that it is waaaaaaaaay better than the plain old love at first sight and boy saves girl shit.

 “B-but BoruSara won’t go canon because of this and that...”

I already made a blog about that. You guys can read it here if you haven’t yet.

There you go anon! I hope I was able to answer you. And yes this is the shortest that I can make it. I can still make it longer to be honest lol.

Later guys! I still got a drawing to finish.

Jacq out!  (*ゝω・)ﾉ

[khhunniewriting]

Apology Necessary (2)

The lights and cameras were aimed at you as the producer began the first interview. “What are the qualities you are looking for in a husband?”

Oh how you desperately wanted to shout ‘anyone but Kim Hanbin’, that wasn’t an option though. You looked off to the side as if you were deep in thought contemplating the desirable qualities. “I want someone understanding, someone who listens well and trusts me no matter what.”

“What qualities are you looking for in a wife?”

Hanbin’s eyes darted over to you as you watched with crossed arms from behind the cameras. He was feeling a bit nervous with you watching. “Someone understanding would be nice. Because I’m so busy I would like my wife to someone who can energize me with her smile.”

You rolled your eyes at his response. There was no way you would voluntarily smile at him. 

The producer wrapped up the interview and the staff began moving the equipment. “Okay, let’s get going to the cafe. F/N and Hanbin you will ride in the second van.” He caught one of the staff members and sent her your way. “Please take them to their van.”

“Sure,” she offered a smile before pointing you in the direction of the exit. “This way please.” You followed her and Hanbin followed you. She opened the van allowing you to enter first. “I hope you two don’t mind the wait. We still have to pack up a few things.”

“Not at all,” you gave her a gentle smile to show your sincerity and understanding.

“Take your time,” Hanbin let her know that he too didn’t mind waiting. After dismissing herself Hanbin closed the van door and turned to you. The gentle smile was gone and in its place stood an icy glare. It only lasted a second because you turned away from him and looked out your window.

“Y/N do you-”

“There aren’t any cameras.”

“So?”

“You don’t have to talk to me.” You turned your attention to your aching feet. The uncomfortable shoes you were given to wear were starting to take a toll on you even though you hadn’t walked much. Bending down to undo the straps you couldn’t help but hiss, “Stupid shoes."

“What if I want to talk to you?”

“Then don’t.” The atmosphere was strange. There were hesitation and hostility but there was also an air about you two that spoke of familiarity. That was because of your history. Before he got you kicked out of YG Hanbin was actually a very good friend of yours. That’s why his betrayal hurt you so badly to the point where you couldn’t stand talking to him. It made your insides boil with anger and sadness. 

“You and Jiyong seem close...” He turned away as soon as the words left his lips. It was something that had been on his mind for a while now. Ever since he learned he was taking over the song you had written for Jiyong. 

If there was one thing you hated most in the world it was misunderstandings. You knew the extent of their damage. Despite not wanting to talk to him you felt obligated to inform him, “Jiyong is a very good friend.” You threw your femininity out the window and full out took your shoes off to relieve yourself of the pain. “After YG kicked me out I gave up. Jiyong came to the shop I was working at and encouraged me to quit my normal job. He wanted me to keep working on music and even let some of my songs come to life.”

Hanbin was amazed by everything Jiyong had done for you. While he was left in the dark all these years. “I never knew you had quit music.”

“Why would you? You and I are no longer even acquaintances.” If looks could kill Hanbin would be dead now. The look in your eyes was no joke. “Jiyong is a good friend so don’t go and ruin our friendship with false rumors like you did before.”

“Y/N I’ve been trying to tell you all this time that I didn’t tell YG anything.!”

You shook your head, “When will you stop lying?”

“I’m not!”

“Hanbin we were best friends!” You swallowed the lump in your throat and finally let it all out. “We were best friends but you never told me you and Lisa were dating. Then you used me as a cover-up.”

“I never-” Hanbin became silent as the driver entered the car. “Sorry for the wait, we will get going now.”

“That’s okay” you quickly rid yourself of any sign that you had been on brink of tears. The ride from then on was filled with silence. Neither of you had anything to say that would relieve the intensity of the past memories. 

Once you got to the location Hanbin stepped out first and offered you his hand to take so you could get down easier but you ignored it. You walked past him and got back to business. 

“Okay F/N” the director guided you towards one of the cafe’s tables and sat you down. “With the current situation between you two and that diss song we think it is best for you to play hard to get. Act like you don’t like Hanbin but every once in a while give a sense of hope.”

You inhaled and exhaled deeply, there it was. You always knew these shows were fake but you didn’t expect them to pick a personality for you.

“Can you do that?” he asked.

You nodded, “let’s get this over with.”

Hanbin joined in the small huddle between you two to hear what the director wanted him to do. “Hanbin you are going to play the nice guy. Despite everything F/N has said you will try to get her to change her mind.”

Hanbin nodded, that is what he wanted most. He wanted to show you that he wasn’t a bad guy. He needed you to forgive him and understand that he hadn’t said a word about you.

You rolled your eyes, of course, he would play the nice guy. How typical, YG wanted Hanbin to come off good while you were forced to be hated by the audience. 

“Alright then, Hanbin please come to the entrance.”

You closed your eyes to rid yourself of all bad thoughts. There was nothing Hanbin could do to make you forget the pain of losing your future, the pain of being ridiculed by the media, the fans, and the pain of being stabbed in the back by a friend. Your thoughts had you spacing out. You never realized the cameras were already rolling and jumped when you felt his arms envelop you.

Hanbin towered over you from behind as he wrapped his arms around you. 

This was so sudden that your heart skipped a beat. Your eyes widened as you looked back and quickly moved out of his hold. “It’s you?” you pretended not to know it was him since this was supposed to be your first meeting.

“I know you hate me but hate can easily turn into love.” Hanbin got down on one knee in front of you causing the staff to gasp. “F/N will you marry me?”

The director quickly motioned for cameras to get a closer look. “I want a shot from every angle!” he whisper-shouted. This was too soon but it would get great ratings.

“The birth of the Anti-Couple...” you couldn’t believe all the crap that was being written after the first episode. Article after article you could only see positive remarks. You expected people to see through it and notice how fake it was but there were already fans of the anti-fan turned lover cliche this season had to offer. 

We have finally gotten our answer to who would be in the new season of We Got Married. Kim Hanbin of popular YG boy group IKON had been speculated from the very beginning but no one was prepared to find out that his wife would be songwriter F/N. There is documented evidence where she has given her opinion of Hanbin and fellow YG artist, Lisa. 

No one knows exactly why the songwriter has taken to hating these two. There have been rumors stating that the two had criticized her music, others say they turned down her songs, and there has even been talk of a real life love scandal.

“What!” you began to panic wondering if your cover was blown. If anyone looked closely you were sure they would notice who you were. You scrolled past the rest of the article and made your way to the comments where fans were pouring in their thoughts.

Didn’t B.I’s last song give credit to F/N as the writer?

I heard she is friends with Jiyong.

Girls are viscious, maybe she’s just jealous of Lisa.

“As if!” you shouted at your phone.

Hanbin must be an old boyfriend.

“NEVER!”

I think it is strictly a professional fight. Something to do with music credit? Maybe? We really shouldn’t guess. It could be damaging to their reputations.

“This girl has some sense,” you were proud to see there were at least some people out there who didn’t jump to conclusions.

Didn’t one of BlackPink’s songs seem like F/N’s style? Maybe they stole the rights from her?

Realizing it wasn’t good for your sanity to keep going you stopped and looked over at the television as it currently played the first episode of the show. You hated how things were playing out but what could you do? Doing all these unnecessary things was a bother.

It left you wanting to talk to a friend but sadly Jiyong was gone. He had enlisted and you no longer had the luxury of running to him with your problems. 

As you watched you realized it seemed you and Hanbin actually got along. You knew it was because of the conversation in the van. You had let him get to you when he kept talking to you and calling you by your name. You needed to make sure he knew that you had in no way forgiven or forgotten the past. 

Hanbin watched from afar as you did your final interview for the second episode. He had done his the day before because of his busy scheduling.  The whole time the cameras were rolling he saw a smile on your face. That day you two had filmed your wedding and moving into your shared home. He was having a good time despite the way you would roll your eyes and glare at him. It almost felt like you two were friends again. 

“Okay, F/N that is all for today.”

With that, you politely excused yourself from the set and made your way to the exit. You pushed the door open expecting to hear it click behind you when it closed but you never heard it because someone followed you. Looking over your shoulder you saw Hanbin and sighed. You walked faster ignoring him but Hanbin wasn’t easily ignored. It was hard to sit there pretending like what you were saying was truly how you felt.

“Y/N wait!”

You stopped as you heard him call you by your name. “Are you stupid or something?” After reading the articles there was a strong sense of worry when using your real name. You felt your past would catch up with you and you’d be swarmed by all the hate mail once again.

Hanbin was glad you stopped because now he was able to catch up to you. “Sorry, I just wanted to talk with you.”

“I have nothing to say to you.” You looked around fearing cameras or fans who would recognize him. 

“But I do.” He noticed your actions and realized what you were doing. The middle of the parking lot wasn’t the safest place to be having a conversation. “If you want we can talk at home.”

“I’m not going there.” From now on you were to live in that house with Hanbin a few times out of the week so they could get material for the show. You went along with it earlier but now you were seriously considering letting YG sue you. “I’m going to YG and ending this.”

“What do you mean?” Hanbin was confused. 

“I’m going to face the consequences of my actions and take responsibility for what I wrote. I don’t want to be a liar like you.”

-end-

A/N: I’m trying to speed things up but this is really going to be longer than I expected. I just hope my lovely B.I Anon likes it ^^/

[wrasslinimagines-blog]

Just Give Me Time (Part Two)

A/N: My fucking dumbass accidentally deleted the original trying to fix a typo so here it is the second time, omg. I hate myself. I apologize to those being tagged again. I’m so sorry, love you all. Gif is not mine!

You groaned softly and ran both of your hands through your hair once you realized who it was, feeling like you were about to blow up. Sami, Finn, and Char all looked at you, as if they were waiting to see how you were going to move forwards from here. 

“What are you gonna do?” Char asked you quietly, not wanting Seth to hear them. You thought about it for a quick moment before shrugging in response. Everything was so overwhelming as is, and this wasn’t helping your case. They looked at each other and you for a few minutes as you continued to think, Seth’s persistent knocking and begging never ceasing. 

“I’ll just talk to him.” You sighed out, sitting up a little and waiting to hear their responses. 

“Alright…” Finn nodded, looking into your eyes. “But we’re not leaving this room until we threaten that asshole.” He smirked, causing you to shake your head and laugh a little. 

“Of course you’re not.” You said, his statement being something you expect out of Finn. They all gave you a big hug and encouraging words before heading towards the door. Seth’s constant banging on the door stopped once the door opened, but the look on his face said that he was expecting you and not your three best friends. You heard Charlotte mutter something along the lines of “If I come back to find her crying again, I’m cutting your dick off.” You giggled and covered your face, mumbling a quiet ‘oh my God.’ You didn’t hear Seth speak as they each dropped him a quick threat before leaving the room. You expected Sami to be doing something stupid as he walked away, like using his hands as binoculars to let Seth know he was watching him.

You took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as you waited for Seth to enter the room any second. He walked inside slowly and gently shut the door behind him, his eyes glued to the ground as he buried his hands deep in the pockets of his sweatpants. You bit down on your lip, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to leave your eyes as you saw him and remembered his words from earlier. You usually would be the type to have enough respect to say ‘hi’ to someone, but in this case it was completely different. The awkward silence went on for a few agonizing minutes as you both waited for the other to speak up. You looked over at the gifts your amazing friends had brought you, bringing a little smile to your face. Seth noticed them too, and you hoped that he realized what an absolute jerk he is. His co-workers are more excited about his baby than he is. 

“Y/N…” He said quietly, finally looking up at you. His eyes contained a mix of both sadness and slight regret, but it didn’t phase you. He probably regrets this happening, not acting the way he did. You didn’t respond, your eyes moving back to the beautiful flowers sitting down on the nightstand next to the bed. 

“Can you look at me?” He asked, slight annoyance evident in his voice. 

“Why?” You responded simply, deciding to look at him a few seconds later just to see the sorry look he had on his face. 

“Because I’m trying to talk to you and you won’t even bother to look at me.” He muttered, moving closer and sitting down on the edge of the bed next to your feet. 

You moved your legs away from him in response, shaking your head. You looked into his eyes before responding to him. “Must suck, huh? When you want to communicate with someone and they don’t even care.” 

He sighed, probably realizing that this wasn’t going to be an easy conversation by any means. 

“I apologize. I was scared.” He admit, shrugging. “How else did you expect me to take the news?” He genuinely asked, causing you to scoff in response.

“Really, Rollins? Oh, I don’t know, maybe telling me that although you’re scared, we’ll figure something out. Maybe just not being an asshole would be nice, too.” You told him, your eyes never leaving his. “I’m extremely scared, too. I have to give up my title, my job, and my life for around a year. I need to learn how to be selfless and how to raise a baby. One I made with someone who isn’t my husband, let alone my boyfriend.” You confessed, covering your eyes with your hands again once you felt your eyes water again. 

You paused for a moment and tried to clear your mind until the tears went away before you continued. “We’re not together. It’s not like we’re dating. It’s not like we plan on getting married one day. You were interested in one thing only. I dreamed of having a baby after I accomplished all of my goals, found a good man, and got married. Aside from all the disgusting labels that are going to be given to me, I’m not gonna get my happy ending. This situation would be a hell of a lot less worse if we were together. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking you to be with me. Even though we are going to be a family whether we like it or not, nobody should be forced into a relationship for whatever reason.” 

You took a tiny break so you could catch your breath, and as you did you studied his face. For the first time in ever you felt like he was truly listening. He moved a little bit closer as you continued to talk and you tried your best to ignore thinking about why he’s doing it as you spoke. “Majority of this situation is all falling on me. I don’t know what to do. I’m young, I’m selfish, and I’m living my dream. I don’t want to give it up. This wasn’t how things were supposed to work out. I could still abort, but I don’t believe in that. It’s still my baby and it wasn’t made out of rape, or something disgusting. I’m not going to take his or her life to continue my own. I’m sure he or she is meant to happen and that’s why we’re in this situation. You know, ‘everything happens for a reason.’ You shrugged, a little smile on your face as you hoped the cliche would lighten the mood. 

“I’m rambling, but I don’t know… It’s terrifying, no doubt, but even if you’re not involved I’m a lot less nervous than I was earlier. Charlotte helped out a lot, she made me an extremely little bit excited too, if anything.” You blushed, not knowing why you were telling him all of this, especially that you’re even a tiny bit excited now. 

“I feel like he or she is already thinking about how they’re the greatest of all time, the ‘architect.’ You were caught off guard by the loud laugh that escaped his mouth, and it made you smile up at him. 

“I’m still scared, nervous, insecure, terrified, aka extremely lost but I’m trying to be positive. Nothing is going to be easy but I can and will eventually come back and that gives me some peace of mind.” You concluded your autobiography with that sentence, and by this point Seth was sitting down next to you. 

“I’m not promising you anything, or that I’m as invested and positive regarding this situation as you are, but I’m not going to let you go through this alone like I was saying earlier.” You swear that you felt like you had the world’s biggest weight lifted off your shoulders when you heard him say that he won’t let you go through it alone. You nodded and looked up at him, hoping that he noticed how thankful you were that he was somewhat stepping up. 

“Is it okay if I hug you? I feel bad about earlier.” He chuckled softly, sounding slightly embarrassed. You responded by completely sitting up and wrapping your arms around his broad shoulders, giving him a hug. He instantly returned it and wrapped his arms around your waist, the hug remaining like that until he completely pulled you onto his lap. You were caught off guard for the second time tonight, but you didn’t protest. You spent the next good bit of time in Seth’s lap, resting your head against his chest as he held you close. It wasn’t anything emotional, sexual, or even physical. It seemed to just be accepting the fact that you two had to work together to overcome the extremely big change that was about to happen. Your mind wandered, as you two were never really even friends until the night everything happened. Being this close to him, feeling the heat radiating off his strong body reminded you of it. You obviously were somewhat interested in him, or else you wouldn’t let him even get close to you, but you knew him. He was a player and nothing more, and that was okay because that’s all you hoped to get out of that night. But now, here you were, wrapped in his arms and relaxing with him. He drew you out of your thoughts when he spoke up, gently running a comforting hand up and down your back. 

“You hungry? Want to go out and grab a bite?”

I’m literally stupid btw

Tags// @panda-girl1999 @cam0flug3 @wrestlingimaginesposts @luckygillblog @ilovedean112 @karleedaniels27 @camm-wow

[timeagainreviews]

My Series 10 Rewatch: The Return of  Doctor Mysterio

Ah, another Christmas episode. How many is that now? Two in a row? If you’ll recall from last time, I remarked that the only thing I liked about Christmas episodes was that it was more Doctor Who. While I will admit to a degree of hyperbole, it wasn’t far from the truth. Which is why "The Return of Doctor Mysterio," is such an interesting follow-up, as I have a "second" reason to like Christmas episodes. Only in a Christmas episode can Doctor Who get truly stupid. I’m not saying I hated it, I’m not saying I liked it, but I think I loved it.

"The Return of Doctor Mysterio," is very much a stupid episode. But in the same way, a child can believe in a jolly fat man delivering presents every year, Steven Moffat asks us to believe in a Doctor Who where Superman could exist. It doesn’t fit the tone of the show, and it’s not even particularly topical. The idea of superheroes in the media is so cliched, that it’s cliched to even point that out. It felt a little dated even at the time it was made. So how has it given me a newfound love for Christmas episodes? Because it plays its hand at the right moment. Doctor Mysterio could only ever work on Christmas.

We open on the Doctor swinging outside a young boy’s bedroom window on Christmas Eve. The Doctor has been up on the roof of the New York skyscraper this boy calls home. After climbing into the window the Doctor introduces himself to the boy whose name is Grant. He explains that he was up on the roof building a machine to fix space-time distortions created by his own meddling. Think back to stuff like the weeping angels turning a hotel into their own food pantry of Rory-O’s. It’s a classic Doctor Who machine made out of various bits, making very little logical sense. It doesn’t matter though because the Doctor is in possession of a McGuffin named the Hazandra, a gemstone also known as "the ghost of love and wishes." Basically, it’s Christmas magic a convenient polyhedron. With it, his machine should stabilise the distortions.

Young Grant and the Doctor’s interactions in this scene are a great example of Capaldi’s charm as the Doctor. I love the Doctor not knowing Clark Kent and Superman being the same person is common knowledge. It scans with his not knowing there was a film called "Alien." The Doctor doesn’t need to know everything all the time, Chibnall. I find everything about this scene completely believable in its context. There’s a brilliant exchange where the Doctor produces a glass of water from his coat for Grant’s cough. After being handed the Hazandra by a man going by "Doctor," he assumes the Hazandra is medicine for his cough and gulps it down. I find it a little hard to believe that a geek like Grant didn’t at least question if it was a D12 first. He seems like the kind of kid who has done some tabletop gaming. Having taken a heroic dose of Christmas magic, Grant starts tripping out like he can fly and shit, which he does, because wishes. Realising the only thing to do is wait for the gem to pass through his digestive tract, the Doctor bides his time. I like to think that somewhere for about a week, the Doctor was scanning the plumbing of that building with his sonic screwdriver. "Still nothing."

With Grant’s body refusing to give up the ghost, his superpowers grew more powerful. This, of course, brings us to present day where Grant is now mild-mannered manny and Super Saiyan "Goku," noted by the G on his chest. No, wait, wrong franchise, it's the Ghost, not Goku. Not since "The Mind Robber," has Doctor Who taken on the concept of superheroes quite so directly. But, unlike Karkus, the Ghost is not meant to be a man from a comic book. Though everything about him is directly from a comic book. The Ghost’s powers are a little boy’s wishes given form. I’ll admit that while wearing my Doctor Who cosplay, the coat does tend to blow in the wind like a superhero cape.  While some will even agree that the Doctor is a sort of superhero, even the show recognises its own limitations in this department. Seeing a caped vigilante standing next to the Doctor is weird. It’s wisest to treat this as an anomaly.

Moffat is in no way shy about playing into some of the biggest comic tropes. When we meet Lucy Fletcher, a reporter for the Daily Chronicle, she’s an obvious homage to Lois Lane. So it’s easy to assume that the people she’s investigating, a corporation known as Harmony Shoal, are some sort of villain. It’s also a reminder of the influence of comic books on classic characters like Sarah Jane Smith or Donna Noble. Also in attendance is Nardole, seemingly reunited with his body. After some pointed questions about missing executives from Ms Fletcher, the press conference ends with Lucy unconvinced by their answers. She decides it’s best to stay behind and investigate. As do Nardole and the Doctor.

It’s a testament to how little I remembered within the year between these two Christmas specials, as I didn’t even remember that the Shoal of Winter Harmony were a Doctor Who baddie. Hell, I didn’t even remember it years later when I watched "The Husbands of River Song. If you’ll recall, I went on to complain that they were underdeveloped. Well, I guess I got my wish because here they are again. This time around we learn that the Shoal are a group of brains that look for viable hosts to live within. They open up the heads of humans and replace their brains. I’m beginning to see why I forgot these were the same villains. One is a bunch of brains in a jar, à la "The Keys of Marinus," while the other is a group of people able to open their seemingly hollow heads. Like, do the brains open up when they open their heads later? Why do they open at a diagonal layer when the brains clearly have a vertical hemisphere? Their physiology is a bit perplexing, even by Doctor Who standards.

While discovering the Shoal’s secret, Lucy meets the Doctor and Nardole, who are also spying. After witnessing one executive transplant an alien brain into the body of another executive, the three of them are captured and held at gunpoint. It's at this moment when we first see Grant as the Ghost, as he saves the trio using super-heroics. After whisking Lucy back to her apartment in a classic "superhero saves the girl," manner, we learn that Grant is actually Lucy's manny for her baby. This explains why he was watching out for her, and how he found her home so easily. The Doctor, having used the TARDIS to track the Hazandra, is already at Lucy's apartment waiting for Grant to chastise him for using his powers. Lucy believes the Doctor is there for her causing both her and Grant to lie to one another about how they may or may not know the Doctor.

Now, I would like a minute to talk about the costume. Basically, it's not very good. In fact, it's kind of bad. I don't mean to badmouth somebody's hard work, because it's not the craftsmanship I'm criticising. It's barely even the design. It's the reason for the design. You see, the Ghost has an awful mask. It covers about 75 percent of his face and is basically like no hero mask we've ever seen. The reason for this is that despite all of its whimsy and Christmas magic, the idea that a pair of glasses is all the secret identity a hero needs is too stupid even for Doctor Who. Hell, it's too stupid for Superman. Lois Lane is a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, and she's thwarted by a pair of specs? Seeing them make up for it by covering Grant's face in an awkward plastic mask just highlights how poorly Doctor Who and capes mesh. Except in the case of Jon Pertwee.

Lucy and Grant have that classic Clark Kent, Lois Lane, Superman, love triangle going on. Or Jerrica, Diego, and Jem if you're not a comic book nerd. It's the whole "Does she love me, or does she love him?" trope. All that's left is for Grant to do one of those two dates at the same dance scenes and we'll be set. Oh, they do that later on in the episode? Oh. But that's getting ahead of ourselves. Let's talk about that interrogation scene.

In 2012, "Zero Dark Thirty," came under fire for its apparent glorification of torture during interrogation. Which seems a weird takeaway if you've actually seen the film. However, the point was made- torture is inhumane. Which is why I must warn those of you with a gentle constitution that the torture scene of Mr Huffle is brutal. Every time Lucy adds pressure to this poor man's head, he cries out in agony, and she knows it will work. The Doctor is unable to stand the idea that another need suffer that he might keep his secrets, so he spills the beans. Of course, I'm kidding, the scene is absolutely ridiculous, but it's also kind of cute. It's yet another of those moments only afforded by Christmas magic because anywhere else it would be stupid. I just want to know where Moffat hides the giant bollocks required not to edit that bit out.

Now, remember how I said in my review for "The Husbands of River Song," that the baddies never really had much development? As it turns out, they're not all that deep. The main goal of the Shoal (Judoon on the moon), is to fortify their headquarters to survive a massive blast. Their reasoning is that when their ship impacts with the planet, their building will remain standing among the rubble of New York, acting as a beacon to the world's leaders who will flock to them. This way, the Shoal can take over the bodies of leaders. It's a dumb comic book idea in a dumb comic book episode. If their building attracted anything other than droves of survivors, it would most likely attract the attention of investigators. "Oh hey, maybe we should investigate the people who battened down the hatches immediately before the blast." Nothing fishy there. A foolproof plan. Because comic books, and Christmas.

Please don't mistake my tone for derision. I genuinely think Moffat made the right decision in keeping the plot a bit campy. It absolutely fits with the theme of the episode. This doesn't mean that the premise doesn't wear thin. It does so with so much haste that the promotional photos began to feel hackneyed. I've said in the past that Doctor Who is very much like a comic book, but even then it's a completely different genre than superheroes. The idea of the Doctor and the Ghost teaming up seems more appropriate for the comic pages of Doctor Who Magazine. And even then it would feel silly. You would see it come up on lists titled "Top Ten Weirdest Moments in the Doctor Who Extended Universe." It's up there with "Combo Man" or "NFL Superpro," in that it's a pale imitation that does nothing to add to the genre. The fact that they made a Ghost spin-off comic book is mind-boggling.

The Ghost fits very uncomfortably into the Doctor Who universe. Hell, he fits uncomfortably into New York. I did the math, he was old enough to stop 9-11. Or at least save some people. It's one of those "This is why the Doctor doesn't travel to the holocaust," things. It's just easier to ignore a real world tragedy. But even within the Doctor Who version of New York, the episode raises a few unanswered questions. Ever since Amy and Rory "died," the fandom has questioned why the Doctor didn't simply travel back in time to save them. Moffat's response was that the events of "The Angels Take Manhattan," made New York too chaotic a place to land. So the fans said, "What about taking a taxi into New York after landing safely outside?" To which Moffat said "Ah, but the tombstone! It's a fixed point in time." Which is a good point. There's no way you could possibly fake a tombstone. Those things are counterfeit-proof.

The point I'm getting at is that New York is all sorts of messed up by the Doctor. As I stated earlier, it's the whole reason he was there in the first place. The problem I'm having is that if the Doctor brought the Hazandra to New York to repair the rift, and Grant swallowed it like medicine, what the hell repaired the rift? How is the Doctor able to visit Lucy's house? How is the Doctor able to travel to and from the Shoal's ship orbiting the earth? If the Doctor can pilot the TARDIS in and out of New York City, what exactly needed fixing? And if nothing needed fixing, why then are Amy and Rory dead? And it wouldn't be a big deal if Moffat hadn't literally made it a plot point in the first place! That's two episodes in a row now where Steven Moffat introduces a concept only to completely go against it later on. Maybe he knew he was on his way out and he started phoning it in because I know Moffat is a better writer than this.

Ok, so where are we in the story? It doesn't really matter. Basically the Ghost and Lucy have dinner on top of Lucy's building. But it's when talking to the Ghost that Lucy realises she loves Grant. At no point does she not realise she's an idiot unable to see through a very dumb disguise. The Doctor and Nardole have jumpstarted the Shoal's plans by crashing the ship themselves. This forces the Shoal to act ahead of schedule. Also, for some reason, the Shoal seems to think they would be able to take over the Ghost's body. I guess superhero skin is one of those things famously known for being fragile and easily broken. Surely there's no flaw in this plan whatsoever. Grant uses this as an opportunity to switch out of his cape in back into manny mode. Acting as the hero, he swoops in and saves the day. Not only does he thwart the Shoal, but he also one-handedly catches their ship before it can make impact, thus saving all of New York.

The Doctor alerts UNIT to the Shoal's activities and before they can make their break are apprehended. All except for a single Shoal who has taken over the brain of a random UNIT soldier. It's one of those comic book cliffhangers that will fall apart if you start to think about it. I'm going to say it's absolutely acceptable in these circumstances, but I am absolutely still going to pick it apart. Like didn't the Shoal say earlier that they require a suitable host? What constitutes a suitable host? Did they mean suitable as in "a person in power," or was it a blood type thing? Do some people's bodies reject their new brain? Furthermore, didn't the Shoal keep creepy surgeons in closets for this kind of operation? How then is one of them able to do complex surgery in the span of moments? As I said, it falls apart.

"It falls apart," is the theme to this episode. In fact, the entire plot hangs on the premise of stupid comic book cliches. Nothing about this episode works as an episode of Doctor Who. But, as I said, it does work as a Christmas episode. In that way, it makes me both love, and continue to hate Christmas episodes. In the same manner, I admire its frivolity, I also loathe its crudeness. I'm not exactly running out into the streets like Ebenezer Scrooge asking what day it is, but I'm not saying "Bah! Humbug," either. Let's just say, I'm glad the next episode in this watchthrough isn't a Christmas story. The only thing worse than watching two Christmas stories in a row is watching them while in lockdown in July and August. There is neither anything holly nor jolly about this season.

The important takeaway is that I actually found myself having more fun this time around. Perhaps it was the fact that I now knew what to expect. The idea of a Doctor Who superhero episode can't be as bad as it already was. I've found this to be a common theme in revisiting a lot of Doctor Who. Without your initial expectations in the way, fun can sometimes peak its head in and say hello. Which is why I said I loved this episode. It wasn't good, but it was fun. I even got to see this play out in real-time. My boyfriend who had either never seen the episode, or forgotten it completely, spent most of his time hung up on how stupid the premise was. While I was actually able to spend more time appreciating the performances. The superhero tropes seemed less tired, and more like a necessary function of the narrative. Sometimes there is virtue in knowing something is going to be shit.

Hey friends! Thanks for reading this far. I wanted to pop in and apologise for how long this took to post. Last week was my birthday so I took the time off. Also, for some reason I was really dragging my feet with this one. Go figure. Next time, we say hello to Bill! See you soon!

[caiseboli]

00 / 00 / 16.

today marks the one year anniversary of the death of the only man yeonha’s ever really loved-- undeniably and irrefutably. she was a cliche, the daddy’s girl. always clinging to his side, but not in fear as a bashful child. she was brave and courageous even back then, a tiny little troublemaker, a ball of energy that’s never once even flickered let alone dimmed permanently or temporarily. she’d make herself comfortable and welcome in the center of the circle, her parent’s friends spread out all around her, greeting, welcoming and friendly. of course there were some undesirables too, leaving a scar on her young heart every time they mistook her as a boy because she acted like one and dressed like it too. an honest mistake turns into a repeated offense, thinking its funny enough to be repeated. those ones eventually show up less. their pride wounded, maybe guilty or embarrassed by being scolded by an elder. he’d never let yeon’s feelings go overlooked. stood up for her like a father should every single time.

visits to the grave aren’t anything new. many trips are taken, sometimes together as a pair, then occasionally come the instances where her mother goes on her own, letting out all her feelings and stress, telling her beloved, her now passed husband how her day went. her worries and her fears, how their only daughter is doing. things their child would rather not think about in great detail. sacred and secret, reserved only for their ears. she herself comes too, on bad days, overwhelming days, and good ones too. no matter the weather or the time, yeon’s gone through it all. confiding in the parent that now is unable to answer back no matter how many times she verbally or silently pleads. she’d like to think she can tell him of her hardships, because it’s not he who she has to be strong for anymore... but people always say things like, your loved ones are looking down on you. and what if they are? what if he was? still is? seeing over everything, noticing the thinly made cracks in her not so fragile bones?

even solid things wear down over time. nothing lasts forever, we all know that. he’d be happy, you know. a familiar voice, soothing, a mother’s reassuring tone. hadn’t asked or made the slightest inclination to show that’s what yeonha’s currently thinking about. but moms know, they always do. yeon’s always joking around.. saying her mom hates her, constantly trying to marry her off and get rid of her, but it’s never in any seriousness. she knows better, that her mom is glad to have her around to help out, that she’s still there to look after the only daughter she’s ever had. it just seems to come as a bit of shock this time around, hearing it in a moment like this-- when they’re bent over the grave of the main man who once was constantly, consistently in their life. he’d be so proud to show you off. our strong baby yeonnie, kicking ass and making a name for herself out there in the world. laughter ensues, because it’s not often her mother curses. 

she’s still quiet. staring at the headstone, fingers tracing over the engraving of his name like she still can’t believe it’s real even after all this time of silence. and it’s not like it passed without leaving any marks or changes in her behavior / actions. tough girl yeonha takes bruises and scratches, gashes with great strides. sprains and twists, all kinds of intense pain come from her favorite activities. not as much anymore, but they did before. all of those combined couldn’t add up to that feeling her chest and these thoughts in her head that she has when she’s out with her mom. it’s strange and not in a good way, only seeing one person sitting across from her instead of two. it hurts to think about how her mother must feel. to lose a lover so young, have to take care of their kid all by herself, constantly trying to look out for their child and worry about how she takes all of it in. it’s even more unbearable when you finally discover her guilty conscience. 

she’s not thinking when she finally speaks up. this past year has passed with so many concealed feelings. how yeon feels like she’s got the world on her shoulders, now, because dad isn’t here to take care of mom with her. because she’s really got to act like she’s made of stone, and feels nothing even when... for the first time in a long one, and sometimes even for the first time ever, she actually does. she has to be the rock. can’t cry, or be upset, or show fear. it wasn’t that hard for her before until she had to come face to face with these things, forced to acknowledge their presence, the lurking, hanging right over her head doom. “you know why i’m so distant, literally, these days?” she doesn’t know, because her daughter has never opened up to her about it. because it’s stupid, and crazy, and her mother can’t help her anyway. 

this time, she’s a little numb. dizzy and drowsy, in a daze, careless, thoughtless when she lets it slip along with a few necessary tears. she hasn’t cried since that day, not like this. hard and unwarranted, with emotion, true feeling because this is an instance that means something to her. “because i know it’s my fault he died. there’s something wrong with me, mom-- i didn’t mean to hurt him. i didn’t know i could do that.” if you need some backstory... yeonha here thinks she’s responsible for her dad’s death. she was holding onto him just an hour before his unexpected death. clinging like the leech she is--was, only with her parents, anyway. her father passes in the blink of an eye, and she’s traumatized. it’s not that far-fetched when you consider the entire circumstance. her and her mother return back home to an emptier house than ever before, and yeon locks herself in her room for days. convinces herself all of this was her doing, that she’s some sort of mutant from those superhero movies.

her mother doesn’t think too much of it. too heartbroken, and then just too occupied to really question the behavioral change. she’s young, it’s only expected at some point that your children are gonna stop clinging onto you at every chance they get. yeonha needs time, too. her father just died, and she was so close, practically witnessing it first-hand, the way the life left his eyes. her mom starts crying now too. yeonha-yah, i’m so sorry. mom is so sorry. but why? did she know all along? that this was gonna happen, that she was gonna develop some stupid, tv-show powers? any logical explanation seems to have left her brain. too hysterical for logistics. your father had been sick for a while. we didn’t want to worry you.. didn’t want to put a damper in your plans, crush your spirit, leave you feeling restless, unable to sleep because you know any day now your father just won’t wake up from his sleep. 

it’s all normal things. reasons she understands, wants to be mad about, but is unable. though she’s thankful they didn’t want to risk the chance of yeonha just completely giving up on everything she’s worked for, she’d have preferred to know what was going on. could’ve had the time to properly say goodbye and prepare herself for it. wouldn’t have wasted a whole year of her life, staying away from people because she was terrified she’d murder them. having to explain that whole story and getting written off because she’s fucking insane or she’s incapable now that she doesn’t like being touched. her mom isn’t the type of woman to take initiative, but she does this time. and she hugs her daughter for the first time in a full year, tight, warm, wet from tears, shaky from the nervous and distressed breaths. 

she’s upset, she’s hurt, she’s scared, but yeon still clings onto her mother for dear life. contented and quiet but still unbelieving and suspicious, it’s hard to change her mindset when it’s been this way for so long. yeonha will keep a watchful eye on the elder for the next few days. go through a lot of questioning and doubts, too. what if she’s just immune to her deathly touch? looks like she’ll have to finally put her strength to the test and slowly branch out. take some baby steps but actually progress instead of just saying she’s going to. test the waters, keep a close eye out for the reactions that follow her newfound actions. as time goes on, slowly but surely, she’ll learn to open up to her mom more. let her inside her head no matter how much she disagrees with it, because ultimately it’s healthy. they’ll talk more freely and openly about his passing, too. in good detail, she’ll be told about his condition and what he went through in his last moments. maybe they’ll even work together with some sort of awareness group. everything and anything to put the strong, younger girl more at ease. 

“i love you, dad.”

[marcythewerewolf]

Some Lord of Shadows Thoughts, In No Particular Order

I think Jace’s name is in this book more than Kieran’s which is obnoxious. Also every appearance of his was prefaced by a multi-sentence description of how gorgeous he was. This did not stop even when he showed up purely to be a dick to Kit. I officially hate book Jace now. He’s drunk the Kool Aid and he’s part of the Shadowhunter establishment and he’s insufferable so thanks for that book. ‘

Shadowhunters are a cult. Full stop. Sometimes it seems like the book has started to recognize this but then it backtracks and goes back to glorifying them. They’re so rich, they’re so pretty! Like, yeah, but they’re also super racist and hugely regressive and directly responsible for the suffering of thousands. Sure, they do some good along the way but so does Salvation Army, they’re still BAD. Look past all the glitter and propaganda and they’re just magical thugs who haven’t gotten past the middle ages and at this rate never will. The Blackthorn kids are better off without them. 

Kit is probably the most sympathetic person in the entire book and I do want him to run away and set up a pawn shop in Ohio? Save him from everyone but especially Jace. 

At one point his face was described as angular though, which makes me wonder if CC has seen a fifteen year old ever. You do it once, it’s justifiable, but most teenagers have a bad case of the baby face and saying other wise is ridiculous. This cheekbone addiction is getting out of hand. 

This book was so ridiculously heterosexual. Like, just such a pervasive case of unfortunate and tragic heterosexuality. So casual. So pointless. Magnus first gets brought up as “glittery”. One character thinks in all seriousness that you only get one dad. Gwyn is painfully straight for no apparent reason when faeries should and previously have been all sorts of flexible. It’s just... bad. 

The centurions are all kind of awful and I didn’t bother to learn their names. 

That being said, I did like the focus on Diana. She’s beautiful and amazing and brave and I love her. 

This is just blatant apologism for what happened to Anselm Nightshade. You set up a situation like that, you deal with the consequences of it, you don’t wimp out. 

The kids went to Faerie together and I am glad for that. They did just kill of Iarlath with no fanfare, but now his headcanon bf are chilling together and we got some follow up on Malcolm’s faerie ties so I’m not too mad about that. 

“Her old tutor, Katerina.” God, where’s my  Katerina spinoff. She has gotten no lines ever and because of that I love her. 

I do like anything with faeries very much but it could afford to be a little less fantasy and a little less chaos theory. The rest is just an issue of misplaced expectation. Obviously I like some of my interpretations better (killing girls is so stupid and outdated, an actual curse dooming him to have fifty sons all the time is maybe a twist) but other than that, nice worldbuilding, solid writing. 

Faeries! Gosh, I just love them so much. Faeries all the time, that what I want. 

The Unseelie King is super interesting. His kids are more trite, but hey, I love them anyways. 

On a related note, have I mentioned how much Gwyn just wants his big dumb teenagers to be safe and happy? Kieran and Mark aren’t even twenty and they need to take care of each other and not die. What a quality Faerie Dad. 

Some times these kids act dumb but i do not begrudge them it on account of them being children. 

The book got good about halfway through, which I appreciated. Kieran my sweet bratty boy, Nene the enigma, the courts, this is some good stuff I appreciate. 

What I did not appreciate was the killing off of Arthur. Like, come on. You’ve already done a disservice by magicking up your mental illness, you don’t have to kill him off too. A much more straight forward solution would have used the fact that Malcolm and Annabel were technically married, have his death revive her, then have confused Annabel and her angry zombie husband coming after the Institute, then Annabel realizing what was really going on and turning on Malcolm. Less in between steps. Failing that, ancient aunt they mentioned last book. 

Mark, Miach, darling, in fairness, the Seelie Queen’s lover very much did kidnap you. She was kidnap complicit. Don’t be trusting her. She absolutely had Sebastian’s baby. 

Memory loss plots are rather boring, but I recognize they do something for some people, so it might just be a cup of tea situation. Enjoy your memory loss then, friends. 

The Kieran/Mark/Cristina plot is juicy and I do like that but I want More Diana and Helen and Aline back and Answers first, you know?

One of the downsides of these books being about Shadowhunters is that it always comes down to the Shadowhunter heroes fighting and killing the irrational villainous Downworlder hordes which is Unfortunate. That conflict with Barnabas could have gone so much better. 

People need to stop trying to brainwash Kit with this Herondale stuff. People don’t go around calling me by my great-great great grandmother’s name and expect me to sit down and take it. Sure, we’re technically related, but that’s not how convention or basic politeness works. Your name is what you are raised with and more importantly it’s what you choose. His name is Kit and he’s a Rook until he decides, on his own without the constant pressure of adults, to be something else. 

As an extension of that? All these callbacks to the other book? They’re getting old and frankly more than a little annoying. 

Jessamine died in 1878. Edgar Allan Poe died in 1849. I’m telling you guys, the timeline just doesn’t line up. She wasn’t even born when Malcolm was young and building his house.

Kieran is a very impulsive boy who is already too invested in his Shadowhunter bf and gf. I don’t make the rules. 

I tried not to read too much into the Disaster Children literally burning down a church and having a weird intimate moment but they really are a mess. No laws, no holy lands, nothing but family, and nothing comes before family. I’m much more invested in them when they’re tearing down the establishment and making terrible toxic Wicked Powers choices. 

AIRMED WAS THE DAUGHTER OF MANNAN. This is basic people. Do your research. 

See, the memory loss plots always backfire unless you come clean. Lying never pays, kids. 

My Diana theories are more or less confirmed which I appreciate, thank you very much. 

I do very much wish they’d at least had the decency to leave bby Morgenstern a bby, that or go all the way and age him a few decades so you had a fifty something year old claiming to be Clary’s nephew. Much better than this cliche storm. 

I recognize that Annabel got a short shift in life, but so did Malcolm, frankly. The fact that he gets a life of torment and a horrible death at the hands of one he loved while she gets to wander off and live happily is a little concerning to me. Why do Downworlders not get to be happy? Downworlders, and Arthur Blackthorn, apparently, aren’t allowed to live nice, non-tragic lives, but pretty young Shadowhunters can get away with anything. At this point I would have preferred a disappointing end for Annabel. Get that good tragedy going. The Blackthorn’s clearly have a bad case of the Gothics they need to fulfill. 

Oh. OH. There we go. There’s the Blackthorn drama I crave. 

My sweet girl, my sweet girl Livvy. She’s coming back as a ghost, isn’t she?

So that’s about five hours. My record holds. The book wasn’t bad, it was just sooooo long. I feel like it could have used a ruthless editor with a really good grasp of the classics to clean things up a bit. Didn’t make me laugh as much, but that might just be a result of my evolving sense of humour. Drama got good nearer the last half of the book. There was some nice stuff in there. Overall, not a waste of five hours, and I’m not mad. Just please, someone de-brainwash these Shadowhunter children. They’re in a cult. Someone needs to tell them that they’re in a cult. Save Kit, he’s getting pulled in as well.  

[holbyconfessional]

Holby City S19 E54-E60

As with the Casualty catch up - since this is SO historical now, I’m going to put the whole lot under a cut, save dashboards!!! Episodes covered are:

S19 E54 - Thicker Than Water

S19 E55 - Things Left Unsaid

S19 E56 - Know Yourself, Know Your Enemy  

S19 E57 - Kingdom Come

S19 E58 - It Has To Be Now

S19 E59 - Hungry Heart 

S19 E60 - Hiding Places

Holby City S19 E54 - Thicker Than Water

So we have more Guiseppe this week.  Yay.  Not.  A Small bowel volvulus couldn't happen to a nicer guy.  Sorry, Raf.

More nefarious Fredrick, shipping in a Swedish patient, then pretending he didn't know her so he could fake diagnose her Pancreatic Pseudocyst and wow everyone with his swift and decisive diagnosis skills.  Not to mention try and make another play to push a clinical trial for his drug.  So glad that Hanssen twigged and called him out on it.  Odious individual.

Ollie and Matteo's competition to be the most interesting was dull, although it did afford Jac a wonderful opportunity to show off her feistiness with her epic line (about Ollie's dullness) 'I'm as shocked as you are!'

In other and most heartbreaking news, Lofty transferred to AAU, and worst of all, Raf proposed to Essie.  I mentally threw things at my TV.

Holby City S19 E55 - Things Left Unsaid

Well, Morven was rather uncharacteristically unkind to Lofty, wasn't she?!  I mean, he may be one of the dullest humans in existence, and aggravatingly cheerful and fair, but still!  Of course, he was going to make a brilliant diagnosis with the hypochondriac patient, thereby showing Morven his worth.  Actually, I'm pretty glad it was something minor, and Morven still got to 'win' too, about the woman being a bit of a time waster.  It may not have avoided the cliche, but it did slightly mitigate it!

Evil Fredrick strikes again with his tenuous grasp on truthfulness and medical ethics, by covering up a psychological issue with a father/son transplant.  HOW is Nina the Snake letting these things happen, how is he getting away with it, with the barest of slapped wrists?  Better not be because of his father, because I'm pretty sure said father wouldn't be putting up with such shenanigans!

So, Nina the Snake is pregnant, and trying to talk to a seemingly uninterested Matteo.  I was pretty uninterested too.

And finally, it's Roxanna's first day.  Somewhat less angst between her and Ollie than expected.  There has been some speculation that she's an early insert, with an ultimate potential goal of being a love interest for Serena somewhen upon her return.  I'm saying now, please god don't let this be true. It's almost impossible now, watching some of the insane pairings they've got going on, or building up.  But that?  I just couldn't.

Holby City S19 E56 - Know Yourself, Know Your Enemy

AKA the day of Ric's inquest at the Coroners Court, into the death of Elaine Warren - where, surprise surprise, it's found that there's a case to answer.  As with any long running show, some story lines are more gripping than others.  I have to say, for the most part, I'm finding this more of a slog than a thrill, but I will say that I really would like to know what happened with the anti-coagulants!  Was it Ric's error?  Did Donna screw up?  Dear lord, I hope it's the latter.  Really not a Donna fan.

So, Amira's back on Darwin.  Why?  Is she considered an interesting character?  I suspect it's more in an attempt to expose some hole in Jac's psyche, since we're clearly being shown that she's struggling with something - hopefully setting us up for a lovely, meaty storyline, and not just the impending romance with Fletch (vomit).

Dom and Fredrick.  I find it interesting and mildly alarming how jealous Fredrick is of Dom.  Of course, he wants to be the most important in his fathers eyes, and he's already been shown to be extremely ruthless and manipulative in order to try and get his own way and climb to the top.   So it's ironic that his behaviour traits and attempts at professional shortcuts should be exactly what set him back in his incredibly rational and fair father's eyes, against Dom's honesty and genuine attempts to be the best he can be, and the best for his patients.  I enjoyed his detective work this episode, diagnosing the Wegener's Granulomatosis (GPA), and I liked his decision to pull it as the case study for his Junior Doctors Award project, in favour of something far more prosaic.   To my mind, it's a nice demonstration of exactly how much Dom has grown as a person and a doctor, and was the perfect offset for Fredrick's showboating.

Holby City S19 E57 - Kingdom Come

Highly stressful, edge of your seat stuff tonight.  Will Holby be closed, in favour of St Francis?  Will all our beloved characters lose their jobs? Maybe not quite as stressful as the producers would like, as I think we can all pretty much assume that somehow, Holby will endure.  But, the episode did afford some good moments for Hanssen - most noteably 1) the opening scene on the roof, 2) a great camera shot of Hanssen standing on Keller as the camera panned along the ward toward him, and 3) Hanssen sitting in his office, with his glasses off.  (I'm not sure why the last one pleases me so, but it does, so there you go!).

I'm always very pro Hanssen heavy storylines, I think he's an exceptional character.  With this one, I was also pretty delighted that in some part, it was the underrated Sacha who saved the day, with his innovative idea of implementing SAINT (post-surgical accelerated independence using novel technology).  Loved the final scene with Hanssen acknowledging Sacha's importance to him and the hospital, over a drink.

Jeremy Warren is back, wanting his mothers notes from Donna.  HOW is Donna so stupid as to keep entertaining him?  Surely she realises at this stage that she's putting herself, the hospital, the case itself in danger by continuing to keep in contact with him?!

Also the return of one of my favourite patients, Mr James.  He has the best lines, and excellent delivery.  His speech about Matteo's hair was just classic, I bet he's a dream to write for.

Other moments included Ollie's wedding ring, lots of posturing by evil Fredrick, but special acting credit MUST go to Matteo's red trainers, which stole every scene they were in!

Holby City S19 E58 - It Has To Be Now

Oh, what fun.  We were forced to rewatch Raf's proposal to Essie in the pre credits. Ouch. Followed by a post credit dramatic running scene which is supposed to remain us we love Ollie (although I'm sorry to say, black hoodie aside, he definitely lost cool points IMO).  Which was then supposed to help us remember that we hate Roxanna, because not only did she kill Ollie's wife, but she's also trying to steal his project funding.  Oh, but whoops.  Her project is on Alzheimers, and hey, her super talented surgeon husband has Alzheimers, so all of a sudden, she's not The Bad Guy, and we (and Ollie) want her to get the funding, because she and her husband deserve it...

And here's where I stop being sarcastic and flippant, because as hackneyed as the storyline is, I don't consider dementia of any form to be a laughing matter, having personally seen what it can do to a loved one.   And I can begin in the smallest way to imagine the pain of what she and her husband must be feeling.  But, it doesn't change the fact that for me, this entire story was so heavily signposted that it kind of lost impact.

Oh, holy shitbags.  Not only did Raf and Essie get engaged, but now they blinking well got married.  On the one hand, I thank goodness that it was off screen and I didn't have to watch it, but on the other, EW!   Couldn't they have had their 2 episodes of happiness, then suffered a monumental breakup, or the death of a close family member which would leave one of them angry, depressed, drinking too much and lashing out at colleagues, before buggering off to a vineyard in France, whilst the other went to do humanitarian work with the army?  Oh, whoops, wrong pairing...  But poor, poor Sacha.

Ooh, Morven and her mother.  Not a shining example of maternal glory to my mind.  Personally, I'm thinking Morven is SO much better off without her.

Holby City S19 E59 - Hungry Heart

Ooh, lashings of evil Fredrick.  Undermining Dom to Henrik, Sacha to the pathologically honest patient's girlfriend, then finally 'accidentally' telling Matteo about Nina the Snake's pregnancy.  Such an unbelievably unlikeable character.  There was a little celebration in my soul when Henrik told him that there was a recruitment freeze, which would prevent him from applying for a registrar's post.  Karma?!  So, Hanssen thinks Fredrick should go back to Sweden (well, don't we all?  Except perhaps his poor wife, who I, for one, seem to have horridly misunderstood!)

So, we got one teeny tiny scene where Lofty visited Dom, and gave him a super squishy hug of congratulations.  Gotta keep the memory of that not-quite relationship lurking somewhere in the viewers mind, so it's ripe for revisiting.  Right?

Lots of Ric drama.  I have to say, I loved Morven's supportiveness, inviting him for coffee.  Such a nice change from Donna's hounding.  Ric may have been a mentor and friend to her, but last I checked, that doesn't automatically mean she has the right to invade every corner of his life, and to know every move he makes.  I felt really angry when she was hounding him about where he was when Jeremy's mother died.  She wants to know why he won't tell her?  Well, perhaps it's because it's none of her ****ing business!!!

COTWs, WAG with appendicitis, and the slightly more interesting kid with a funky neck, who passed out every time he looked to the side too quickly.

Holby City S19 E60 - Hiding Places

I'm afraid I found this episode rather dull.  More of the Ric/Donna/Jeremy debacle, and I find myself no clearer as to why Donna persists in hanging around with Jeremy in the face of his allegations.  Ric is supposedly her friend.  I get that she doesn't know what actually happened, so she doesn't know for sure that he is completely innocent, and I get that she feels some level of empathy toward Jeremy for his loss - BUT, Ric is supposed to be her friend, and she truly believes he is an excellent doctor and surgeon, and she also believes in human error, so why is she not supporting Ric more?  (I'd just like to qualify at this point that I don't mean by lying for him).  And even more to the point, surely her continuing interaction with Jeremy is actually detrimental to the court case?  At least Jac stood up for Ric, even if it was in an inappropriate way.  And ooh, look, seems like Jeremy is going to try and squeeze a second court case out of it!  

On the one hand, I believe in justice.  But on the other, I think this litiginous society in which we live is insane.

So, Fredrick is indeed gone.  But is it for good?  (Please be yes, please be yes....)

Nina and Matteo and the baby.  I shall sum up my thoughts into a single word.  YAWN.

So, this episode had a patient naming dogs after staff based on their personality traits.  Oh, how I chortled and slapped my thigh.

Mildly interesting thread - the unravelling of Jac.  Awesome, awesome character.

[apostateangela]

Neurotheology Part 1

I have been tasked to write this post.

I’m not sure if I can do it, let alone do it well.

But I am willing to fight long and hard to understand the truth of what has happened to me.

This blog is a tool that helps me do that

while also sharing that truth with others- in case that can be of help.

So I will try.

The revelation that has come to the forefront the days immediately surrounding when I started this post and for months afterward,

because of my own life and thoughts and an intense therapy session,

has shaken me deeply.

I don’t know how to reconcile it

other than with sorrow and even shameful despair.

I’ll weed through that part somehow.

I wish I knew how to isolate the phenomenon connected to said revelation, but I really don’t.

It will help if I explain the thought processes leading up to the revelation.

After the tithing post I had a conversation with my mother. I have explained before that my mother and I have a somewhat strained relationship. She is more programmed than I was/am. Because of this fact, she often doesn’t have the vocabulary to talk with me outside of the paradigms created by the Mormon church.

She is trying, because of her love for me.

That is quite remarkable and should give hope to those of you out there who find themselves estranged from overly judgemental parents and family.

It is possible for them to put aside that judgement

and try to understand because of their love for you.

My mother is trying, and it is as beautiful as it is frustrating.

Anyway, during this conversation she made the prescriptive comment that maybe if my daughter (her granddaughter) would pay her tithing and live more righteously then God would improve her financial situation and also soften the heart of her boyfriend who is somewhat of a deadbeat.

This is both horrible and laughable.

One of the things I didn’t really go into in the last post was how not paying your tithing is used by others in a more personal way to make you feel guilty and irresponsible because of your sin--that of robbing God or not paying your tithes.

The attitude is that this sin deprives you of blessings that would otherwise be yours (even outside of the blessings received from participating in the ordinances).

Which explains my mother’s approach here; God given blessings she describes as more financial security and the change of personality traits in my daughter’s boyfriend.

Here is where the revelation begins.

My comment to my mother was this:

“I think that instead of (granddaughter) relying on God to fix her situation she should take responsibility for herself and get a better job and dump (boyfriend) or at the very least stop relying on him for any kind of support, financial or otherwise.

It’s HER job, not God’s, to make these decisions for herself.

Tithing is pretty irrelevant in this case.”

As an interesting side note my mother eventually agreed.

Here’s where the epiphany kicks in; as I thought about my daughter’s situation, it brought me back to my own.

Ultimately, iit was MY choice to marry and stay married to an asshole.

Quarter of a century of abuse aside, I chose it.

I am responsible for that choice, right?

I have to own something here.

Just like my daughter has to own choosing to be with a dishonest, unreliable man who can’t commit or follow through with anything.

The question really isn’t whether I am responsible but rather WHY I did something so very stupid?

A cliche and easy answer is that I thought I was in love, or I WAS in love and people do stupid things for love.

But that is not really true.

I married him because God told me to.

At least that is what I have believed up until a few days ago.

Okay, I’m going to digress here. Because there are forks and backtracks and lots of twists on this particular path.

I am having an ongoing problem where I hate myself.

Yeah, I know, that is nothing new.

But this is a bit different.

As I spend more and more time inside my new self, my recently discovered self, and in the newborn paradigms I have fought for the last 3 years to establish, I find that I travel further and further away from who I was--the weak, pathetic Mormon woman who did as she was told and pushed down anything interesting in her personality because it was considered wrong.

I feel like I’m living in a parallel dimension. In fact, thanks to the new popularity of Quantum theory and the imagination of the MCU, I buy into this idea personally and metaphorically at the very least.

And the woman in that other dimension, I HATE HER!

I believe she is weak and stupid and easily manipulated and that is everything I do not want to ever be again.

I talk about her in third person. I have even said that I want to KILL her.

On some level I know this is problematic.

So of course, I brought it up to my therapist the other day along with the phone call I had with my mother about tithing and my subsequent epiphany that somewhere in my past there must have been an initial choice to be with my ex which I had to own.

And so my therapist had me dig into the moment I made the choice to marry him. He believed it was important to explore the events and understand how and why I made the choice.

One August day when I was nineteen years old, I was sitting at the family piano in my childhood home. I was in quite a bit of agony, in every way. I was physically ill (I had mono, but I didn’t know it yet). I was emotionally and mentally in distress (spiritually too if that is a thing, I thought it was then). I had recently returned from a summer job at a mountain camp where I had explored some “sin”. (drinking, sexual exploration/but not intercourse) I had been to speak with my Bishop and had confessed my “sins”. He had been very critical and condescending and I left his office feeling like I had committed the worst of deplorable and depraved acts. His comments and my upbringing had me believing no one would ever want me as I was soiled and ruined. And beyond that, my father had been yelling at me for several days to get out of bed, stop being lazy, and do something with my life because he wasn’t going to support me anymore.

I was sick, bereft, alone, afraid, and ashamed.

To help you understand, even though I have written about this shame before, I draw your attention to this image I very recently came across that brought back the amplitude of my constructed shame. I remember the exact day President Romney (apostle and second counselor in the First Presidency of the LDS church in the 80s). I was eleven; watching General Conference with my parents and brothers on the television. For context, the statement is something Romney’s father told him once and that he directed then to us. He ended his instruction with this statement, “You young people—May I directly entreat you to be chaste. Please believe me when I say that chastity is worth more than life itself. This is the doctrine my parents taught me; it is truth. Better die chaste than live unchaste. The salvation of your very souls is concerned in this.” Afterwards, my mother had a long talk with me about the topic in which she agreed with Romney and used the talk as a way to bring my attention to my impending entry into womanhood as a 12 year old girl, the age you graduated from the Primary children’s church program and into the youth, Young Women’s program.

Did I want to die because of my unchaste actions in New Mexico? Sure. I’d wanted to die for quite some time at this point in my teenage years. Had come close to attempting it even at 17. The feelings connected with this were because I was never good enough, ever. I tried so hard to please everyone and be perfect, but always failed. The church and my parents and my culture dictated these parameters that became the perfect atmosphere for suicidal thoughts. When you feel like you are bad, never good enough, always letting others down--including God, it was hard to want to be alive. Repentance existed, but it was always preceded by crushing shame. That was the intent, to tear you down with shame, almost to death, so that your only option was to turn to God for reprieve.

That day, I was perfectly primed.

Wanting these horrible feelings, any of that pain to go away I did what I was taught to do.

I sank from the piano bench onto my knees and prayed. I poured my sorrow out to God and begged Him for forgiveness, love, and to take my pain away. Alone in my house, I sobbed and prayed out loud, nearly wailing. After a period of emptying and the hollow, spent calm that followed, I asked God a desperate question: “What do I do now?” thinking that if no one would want me, even if God forgave me, what was I to do?

It is important to note that two days before I had received a strange phone call. A woman had called me from Iowa. She introduced herself as a Sister------,a ward missionary. She asked me a question, “I want to know how you feel about Elder ----- (The man that was to be my husband, let’s call him John)?”

I was taken aback.

I’d met John at work, six weeks before his mission, nearly two years previously--when I was still in high school. We’d had a quick, G rated, whirlwind chivalric romance before he left. I’d written him some letters, but not many.

I’d been busy sticking my toes in the waters of sin.

I didn’t want to tell this stranger on the phone how I felt about John when I didn’t really know how I felt about him myself.

The woman was kind and persuasive.

She told me that he’d been at her home that very day, in tears, wondering if I still loved him.

He was sad and desperate and had confided in her how much he loved me.

It was a beautiful tragic scene. One any girl waiting for her Prince Charming would find extremely flattering--a silly, young idealistic girl like me.

My heart burned and tears of love sprang to my eyes. I told that stranger to go ahead and tell John that I still loved him and if he wanted me to come to the airport in five days when he came home to meet him, I would.

Cut back to me, on my knees praying in desperation.

I felt a burning inside my chest, I felt a voice inside my mind. And the answer was that I was to marry John, and as soon as possible. It felt as if a bolt of energy had entered me at the top of my head and filled me. I began to cry again and wander my house shooting questions at the ceiling: “What about my education? What about my family? What about money to support ourselves? What about the fact that we really didn’t know each other? Where would we go? Where would we live? … and on and on. The strange thing is that with every question the answer was simple, “It will all work out. Have faith, I will provide.” And I felt the answers inside my mind and heart. And so, I married him.

Let’s get back to my therapy session.

After I related the story and answered some questions about logistics, my therapist asked me a question, “Given your new perspectives about religion and God what do you think happened that day? Do you still believe God told you to marry John?”

I shook my head. I didn’t believe that anymore, but I had no explanation. So I asked my therapist this question, “Do you think your brain can be conditioned to create a specific physical response to mental and external stimuli?”

“I know it can.”

With his answer I felt something break inside me, “So it’s possible that my brain could have created the burning in my heart, the electric overwhelming emotion, and this physical belief that God had told me to marry John?”

He again confirmed the possibility. We talked about the conditioning I had received throughout my life. I had been taught what the “Holy Ghost” was supposed to feel like since I was three years old. I was told hundreds of times by everyone in my life what the answers to prayers “felt” like.

And, he gave his professional opinion on the potential truth. His opinion: I wanted rescuing--an out to get me away from my angry father and my shame.

I asked him, supremely disgusted with my past self, if what he was saying was that I created a God generated answer to a problem I was having because I couldn’t face the pedestrian truth?

He didn’t think so, but rather that I did what I had been trained to do, solve problems with prayer and faith and God. And that those things were deeply tied to the cultural way I had been taught to solve all my problems.

Sadly, his words didn’t make me feel better. In fact, they made me feel incredibly worse.

I felt tricked, betrayed by both the church and NOW my OWN brain.