#finishing grad school soon so busy applying for jobs

[istodayajewishholiday]

You're back! I was worried, are you doing alright?

Sorry just needed to find time to refill the queue!

[cha-melodius]

If possible, firstprince #20, please! 🫂

(Another extremely popular one, also requested by @miss-minnelli, @nowords-world, @miharaikko, and @ashesfromashes. And it's another grad students/academia AU, because I couldn't help myself. read all the hug ficlets)

20: The “woah, hey, hello, hi” hug.

Alex is exceptionally drunk. Probably more drunk than Henry’s ever seen him, and that’s saying something, since they spent the majority of their graduate school years together. Henry’s seen him silly drunk at holiday parties, and sad drunk after committee meetings, and angry drunk that one time when someone scooped him in a publication, but he’s never seen him quite this ecstatically happy drunk.

He’s certainly earned it. His dissertation defense had gone perfectly—Christ, but he’d looked incredible up there in a sharp suit purchased just for the occasion, confident and brilliant as he explained his research. Apparently, his committee didn’t even give him many revisions, the lucky bastard (luck has nothing to do with it—Alex is just that good).

So he’s got plenty of reasons to be happy, and Henry is happy for him. If Henry’s also achingly sad, that’s his own business. Ok, yes, Alex is sticking around for another semester to teach, but all too soon he’ll get some fabulous postdoc or faculty position, and god knows where it will be, but it’ll almost inevitably be far away from Henry.

Henry has managed to keep his maudlin thoughts at bay for most of Alex’s defense party, but the night is winding down and so is he. He’s withdrawn to the edges after an unsuccessful attempt at distracting himself by helping to clean up—Zahra had told him in no uncertain terms to cut it out, she was paying someone to do that—chatting with a few people but mostly sulking. Fortunately, Alex hasn’t noticed.

Or, that’s what he thought.

One moment Alex is bopping wildly along to some pop song on the makeshift dance floor they’ve cleared by shoving Zahra’s living room furniture out of the way, and the next he’s making a beeline toward Henry. Henry barely has a chance to prepare himself before Alex is throwing himself at him, and Henry has no choice but to quickly abandon his drink in order to catch him.

“Woah there, love,” he says, because he’s more than a little drunk himself and his filter is shot.

Alex grins brilliantly up at him and simply says, “Hi,” as he wraps his arms around Henry’s waist and pulls him into a crushing hug.

“Hello,” Henry replies, unable to keep himself from matching Alex’s smile. “Can I help you with something?”

“You can come dance with me.”

“Oh, I don’t think—”

“Puh-leeeease, H?” Alex interrupts, batting those offensively long eyelashes up at him. “You gotta.”

Henry’s always been terrible at saying no to him. Still, he tries, “Oh, do I?”

“Yeah, ‘cause it’s my party, and I want you.”

He doesn’t mean it like that, of course—he just wants Henry to join them—but Henry’s stomach turns over anyway. Helpless to resist, he lets Alex drag him out onto the dance floor. Then someone (it was definitely Pez; Henry’s going to murder him) puts on a slow song. To Henry’s surprise, Alex collapses into his arms like all the frenetic energy has drained out of him at once, his arms looped tightly around Henry’s waist and his head resting on Henry’s shoulder.

“Hey,” Alex says after they’ve swayed aimlessly for a little while, “why’re you sad?”

So he definitely noticed. Henry shouldn’t be surprised. “I’m not,” he tries anyway. Alex lifts his head up long enough to glare at him. “Fine, I’m a little sad. It’s just… the beginning of the end, isn’t it? I’ll be finishing this year—I will, hush you—and you’re applying for jobs and leaving me…”

He means to say us, but it doesn’t come out that way. Alex just hums, a low rumble Henry feels more than hears.

“Take you with me.”

“What?”

“Y’know, like a spousal hire,” Alex says, yawning into Henry’s shirt. “Tell ‘em I need a position for you too. They’d be stupid not to.”

Henry’s head swims. The thing is, Alex is such a superstar that he probably could negotiate something like that. Except for, you know. The fact that they’re not married. Alex doesn’t even seem to realize the implications of what he’s just said, he’s too busy falling asleep on Henry’s shoulder.

“I think we need to get you home,” Henry manages eventually.

Alex rousts himself, blinking up at him. “Just think about it, ok?” he says, like this is a serious proposition.

“Okay,” Henry agrees.

What else is he going to do? Besides, it makes Alex smile at him again, and really, that’s all that matters.

[kai-anderson-whore]

Hi love, can I have a really fluffy Evan imagine? I am 22 years old and a first year teacher who teaches first grade. Could it start out where she trashed college. It then transition to him helping her set up her classroom, and then once the years starts where she is overwhelmed being a first year teacher so he does all this sweet stuff and comforts her? Thanks!!

Yes of course hope you enjoy ☺️

Teaching the first grade (evan peters x teacher reader)

Summary: evan helps you set up your classroom for your first day of being a first grad teacher

Warnings: none really

Word count:1,9k

A/n: it’s officially spooky season feel free to sent some requests. I have somethings in the works for Halloween ☺️

•¤❅¤•.•°˚˚°•..•°˚˚°•.•¤❅¤•.•¤❅¤•.•°˚˚°•.

For as long as you could remember you wanted to be a teacher helping children be educated and progress in their lives. Help them be something spark their curiosity about what they wanted to be. So when you made it to college you knew that you wanted to study education mostly for younger children such as first graders.

But college life outside of classes got the best of you struggling to keep up with classes sure you managed to pass most of your classes. But being late to most of them and finding things hard. You made loads of friends even met people who didn't go to college such as Evan peters who then progressed to become your boyfriend later on.

Even though you failed some classes you were determined to full-fill your dreams in becoming a teacher. Asking to take extra time in your work to get the grades you needed to seek further in your education. In which all paid off well.

...

After a few years of studying you finally made it in your dreams. Getting a job as a first grade teacher you were nervous about how it would play out but Evan stood by your side throughout the process. Helping you set up your classroom. "Where do you want this?" He asked holding a box filled with things to decorate your classroom. "On one of the desks at the back please" you answered stapling some things on the wall to give the glum looking room some character for the children.

You and Evan spent the day moving desks so the tables would be in groups of four. You had a whole idea set up, a vision of how to make the class fun for the children yet still educational. "I'm so nervous for Monday" you said finishing the last piece of wall decoration. "You'll do amazingly, I mean when I was in first grade I didn't have superheroes and barbie dolls in my classroom, you'll be the best teacher ever" Evan reassures you his hands on your shoulders placing a chaste kiss on your cheeks.

You felt anxious and overwhelmed by the whole situation, sure this is what you wanted but now that it's officially happening the reality was setting in. It wasn't going to be easy by any means being responsible for a class of 20-25 children. "I hope you" you sighed finishing off the last pieces of your classroom.

...

Monday soon rolled around fast, the first school year. You woken up early barely able to even sleep due to your nerves. Picking out some dress pants and a white shirt you quickly got changed and applied some light makeup straightening your hair. Evan was still asleep light snores echoed through the room.

You went into the kitchen to make some coffee and eat your overnight oats for breakfast. You were to busy looking Through emails before you had to leave you didn't see Evan sluggishly walking into the kitchen. "Morning babe" he yawned running his tired eyes.

"Good morning" anxiety seeped through your tone Evan took notice wrapping his arms around your waist. "You'll do amazingly those kids are going to have the best teacher ever" he praised placing a kiss on your cheek. "You really think so?" You asked your hands on top of his on your waist. "I know so you'll take to it like a fish in water".

You were in your classroom getting everything prepared for your class coming in. You felt more nervous than before, hands trembling wiping over each desk. The clock showed 7:49am, ten minutes before your class officially starts you prepared all the last minute details such as pencils and paper for drawings.

8:00am rolled around you stood outside your classroom waiting on the children to arrive. Seeing all the children lined up outside the classroom smiles on their faces guided by the older grade as their buddy for a few weeks while they all settle into the school.

"Hello everyone I'm ms y/l/n come on in and I'll sort you all in your seating plan" you said in a comforting manner. All the children followed you in the room, you had instructed them to line up at the back of the class room and you will call out their names.

"Tommy merland?" You called a little boy with dirty blonde hair stepped forward shyly. "You come sit over here" you smiled. You called out each of the children's names one by one. The seating plan went as two boy and two girls on each table. All the children chatted amongst themselves getting to know everyone.

You nerves calmed down a little. Clearing your throat "okay class I want you all, in your groups come up with a name for your group and that will be the name of the group for awards and games- now this can be a character from your favourite show, game or favourite singer" you instructed "yes miss" the children called all chatting amongst themselves coming up with a group name.

After about five minutes you gained the children's attention. "Okay so Corey's table what name have you chosen?" You asked all the children seemed excited to share their names. "Spongebob" the little boy called out. "Amazing group one SpongeBob group" you said writing it down so you could put a picture on their pots in the middle of the table.

"Millie's group what did you pick?".

"Tom and Jerry". The brunette girl called. "Hey we wanted Tom and Jerry" a boy called out in a huff. Before you knew it a argument broke out between the two children. "Okay children is there another name you would like?" You asked hoping they may have picked a backup. "No we wanted Tom and Jerry".

You tried to resolve the small issue with brainstorming ideas but they weren't having it, still bickering over the topic. "Everyone hands on your heads" the children followed your attention exercise. "Hands on nose, on lips". All the children fell silent waiting on your next words.

You felt stressed out but an idea came to your head. "How about one group will be Tom and the other one be Jerry?" The children considered your suggestion one group picked Tom the other Jerry.

Later on in the classroom you were teaching the children their handwriting skills before lunch. All the children were doing great. You went round each group to see if they needed some help. "Great job everyone, now please put your pencils away and get ready for lunch" you called the class put all their things away getting ready for that lunch time bell to ring.

During lunch out let out a sigh finally being alone to think and take a breather. You heard your cellphone ringing in your bag fishing out for it. Evan's screen name shone on the device a smile on your lips answering the phone.

"Hey babe how is it so far?" He asked, you could practically hear the smile through the phone.

"I'm overwhelmed by it all, don't get me wrong I love it but it's so stressful I had to settle an argument on what group can be Tom and Jerry" you giggled.

"Tom and Jerry?" Evan asked. "Yeah in the group the kids would pick what their group would be called there's SpongeBob, queen elsa, and of course Tom and Jerry" you explained. Wiping over the whiteboard to start the next lesson.

"Well hopefully you don't have to settle more arguments on Tom and Jerry" he chuckles you giggled back. You and Evan bet your goodbyes hanging up the phone just in time for the children to come back.

Hours had past you felt exhausted, the drive home was quiet. You couldn't wait to get home and relax with Evan for a while. Pulling up along your driveway, eyes barely open your feet ached from standing most of the day. Exiting the car you locked it behind you making your way to your home.

Pushing the door open you were greeted by the comforting aroma of cooking. You closed the door leaving your shoes by the door entering the kitchen. You saw Evan plating up some food. A warm smile invaded your lips placing your handbag on the counter. "How was work?" He asked. "Stressful but good" you sighed wrapping your arms around his waist  nuzzling your head on his back.

"Dinner smells good" you hummed taking in his scent- woody cologne mixed with a faint cigarette. "I hope it tastes as good as it smells" Evan chuckles handing you your plate. You ate a forkful a delightful moan left your lips "this is really good babe" you said nodding.

"So how was your day?" You asked taking about bite of your food.

"It was alright just ran some errands and got some things for you" he shrugged.

"For me?" You asked with a furrow brow, "yeah I thought maybe we could have a pamper night together since you wanted to do so for a while and I bought some snacks and stuff" your heart melted hearing him say that. "Aww Evan thank you" you beamed finishing the last of your dinner.

Later on you and Evan sat on your shared bed with a bunch of snacks and skin care products. "What do I do with this?" He asked holding a bottle of cleanser. "It's a cleaner you use a cotton pad and it takes all the dirt off your face" you explained handing him a cotton pad.

Evan poured some on gesturing you to come closer. You shimmied yourself closer feeling the cold pad wipe gently over your face. "Your turn" you said repeating the process on Evan's face.

You took two sheet face masks out handing Evan one, opening it up placing it over your faces. "It's cold" Evan cringed but placed it on his face anyway. "It was in the fridge Evan" you giggled. "Why was it in the fridge?" He asked confused. "Because it will depuff your face, now this has to be on for ten minutes" you answered laying back on the bed.

During those ten minutes your and Evan munched on the snacks he purchased earlier today talking about random things. You felt so much better than earlier taking off your face masks after ten minutes, moving on to the next step. "This is retinol it stops aging" you informed using the dropper from the glass bottle to drop some of the product on your hand.

You applied it on Evan's face a satisfied hum leaving his lips “that feels nice”. You smiled massaging the serum into his skin.

You and Evan took turns applying the rest of the products on each other. Placing everything back we’re they belong. You rushed right back to bed, under the covers snuggling up with your boyfriend with heavy eyes. A random rom-com playing quietly in the background.

“Thank you for this Evan i really needed this today was overwhelming” you sighed happily your chin rested on his chest looking up at him through your eyelashes. “I’m glad to help, hopefully tomorrow isn’t too bad first days are stressful but you did amazing” he smiled stroking your hair comforting you.

You averted your attention back to the tv in your bedroom, evan still stroking your hair. You felt your eyes shutting trying to hold them open but it was no use, slumber took over you. Evan smiled hearing your soft snores gently moving you aside so he could turn the tv off. Crawling back into bed tucking his arm back under your head drifting off to sleep.

[lunaraindrop]

RL moment with Luna

Greetings, folks! Since I love you all, I'm going to give you a mini update on my life.

Let me give you a condensed recap for my new friends here.

Hi! I'm Luna. I graduated from college in 2020. Yes, during the pandemic. But yay graduating!!

I started working as a preschool teacher for a private school in 2021. The entire 3 years I worked for that school were an absolute nightmare. (If you want stories, DM me)

The program was year round, so I hardly had any time off, due to teacher/dub shortages, and I had to work late for the after-school program because, once again, teacher/sub shortage.I have an autoimmune disease that causes chronic fatigue if not managed properly. Less stress, more sleep, etc.

Basically, your girl was not doing well.

Despite everything, I got into grad school, a dream I've held close to my heart.

I needed out of that school, and fast. It was eating my life away and not giving me any time to have a life. But, since I live in the United States, I also needed a job for insurance.

After many, many months of applications, interviews, doctor's visits, and near breakdowns...I resigned. I couldn't handle the school anymore.

Since then, I have taken June and July as a time to rest, catch up on school work, and figure out my next step.

That also means that I have been living off my meager savings, and have spent the entire month of July without insurance. Thankfully, all the rest and time to do things I love like write, read, and swim have done wonders for me.

Back to the work issue, though. Despite me applying to every job imaginable, it seems that the only places that want to hire me are schools and child care centers.

So now, your girl Luna will be teaching public preschool starting in August! 🎉

What I like so far is that I have a set time that will not be messed with. School starts at this time. School ends at this time. I also love that I get a break (which is illegal not to give a teacher a break, but my former school just went 🤷‍♀️), and time to do lesson plans, which my old school told me to do on my own time.

What does this mean in the future of my writing?

Since I will FINALLY have a little breathing room in my schedule, I plan to do a lot more of it. It brings me joy, and I need that joy back. However, I'm also doing grad school. That will keep me busy.

Those things being said, my plans in the near future are to try and finish The Lie Becomes the Truth before tackling any of my long long loooong list of one-shots, wips, and other ideas I have waiting in my notes. I have a beta lined up to help me, so hopefully you will see chapters rolling out a bit faster soon. I'm currently working on chapter 18.

[thalergetic]

prompt: sugar daddy adora. as a birthday treat 😌

as a birthday treat? of course 😌

As far as Catra knew, most grad students didn’t have closets full of Gucci, Dior, and Louis Vuitton.

They didn’t have a chauffeur that would take them wherever they needed, whenever they needed.

And they certainly weren’t sharing a bed with one of the most powerful businesswomen in the country.

Adora Grayskull, who made the 30 Under 30 list at age 21, had been promoted to COO of Horde Industries about three months before she met Catra, and she was only on her way up.

Catra wasn’t sure exactly what her job entailed — Adora had tried explaining it a few times in bed, but nothing had ever stuck — and wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

After all, that wasn’t something their... agreement had covered.

Catra met Adora when she was in the first year of a grueling PhD program at one of the best schools on the West Coast.

She’d been waiting tables in a fairly high-class restaurant, trying to make enough money to cover her first tuition payment, when Adora walked in.

She had been with a client, Catra remembered, but it didn’t stop her from staring the whole time.

When her client left — in some fit of rage, if the way he stormed out was anything to go by — Adora had sighed and put her head in her hands.

And, well, Catra wasn’t immune to someone that attractive in a well-tailored suit.

She brought over a glass of the scotch Adora had ordered earlier and placed it gently beside her.

“On the house,” Catra said, watching Adora’s eyes flick over to it. “You’re Adora Grayskull, right?”

“Guilty as charged.” Adora looked up at her for a moment. “Care to join me?”

Catra knew she probably shouldn’t, but it had been a slow night, and her manager was too busy micromanaging the hostesses to notice her.

After a moment’s hesitation, she nodded, and pulled up a chair across from her. “What was that guy’s deal?”

Adora sighed a little, looking towards the door before her eyes met Catra’s. “I had to fire him.” When Catra’s eyes widened a little, Adora continued, explaining, “He’s— he was in charge of our Boston branch.”

“Not anymore, though, I guess,” Catra said. “Rough way to end a night.”

“Considering he spent the last two quarters doing coke and fucking his secretary, I think he probably should’ve seen it coming.” Adora took a sip of her drink to hide a smile as Catra let out a surprised laugh.

Adora swallowed, then nodded toward Catra. “My turn to ask a question. What brought you here?”

“Here, like, to LA? Or to the restaurant?”

“Both,” Adora shrugged. “Either.”

Catra gnawed at the inside of her lip for a second. “I’m a grad student at UCLA,” She said. “I just started a PhD program.”

Adora’s eyebrows raised a little as she nodded, impressed. “In what?”

“Mechanical engineering and applied physics,” Catra answered, watching Adora’s eyes widen even further. “Y’know. Basic stuff.”

It was Adora’s turn to let out a surprised laugh. “No shit,” She said, propping her head up on a hand. “Tell me more.”

Somehow, Catra did. She talked — slow and hesitant at first, then with increasing enthusiasm that led her to drawing a diagram on the back of a receipt — about her work, her interests, and her concentration.

The whole time, Adora watched her face with an awed expression. At the end, her only question was, “So why the hell are you waiting tables?”

“I mean, the tuition isn’t exactly cheap,” Catra said. “I got a partial scholarship, but I’m already up to my neck in loans. This doesn’t cover all of it, but...” She shrugged. “It helps. Plus, the food’s not bad.”

Adora nodded a little. Her face clouded with an expression Catra couldn’t place. “Means you have less time to do your actual work, though.”

Catra nodded. “It does. But, I mean, it’s whatever,” She said, shrugging again. “That’s life. What can you do, y’know?”

“Well, I—” Adora cut herself off with a shake of her head. “No, that’s not— never mind.”

Catra frowned. “What?”

As if to give her some courage, Adora finished her drink. She began to run her finger around the edge of the glass as she said, in a careful, halting voice, “If you needed some help, I would...” She cleared her throat. “I would be happy to, um...”

She was blushing, Catra realized. Why would she be— oh.

Oh.

“Um,” Catra started, eyes widening. “You— but, I-I mean, I just met you.”

“True,” Adora agreed. “So obviously you’re under no obligation to accept, but—” She let out a small sigh. “You know you’re the first person I’ve been able to have a normal conversation with in years?”

Catra blinked. She wasn’t sure what to say, and all her brain could come up with was, “Oh.”

“Yeah,” Adora nodded. “And you’re so, so smart, Catra. You should be able to spend as much time as humanly possible doing what you love, not—not giving glasses of Johnny Walker to random CEOs on a Tuesday night.”

Catra was pretty sure her mouth was hanging open. “So, to be clear, you would be, like... my sugar daddy?”

Adora cringed a little at the words, but nodded anyway. “If that’s what you want to call it, then... sure. But we don’t have to discuss it now,” She said, reaching into her suit jacket.

She pulled out a sleek, neat black wallet and pulled one, two, then four hundred-dollar bills from inside it.

“When are you free to talk about it?” Adora asked, sliding the money across the table. “I’ll send a car for you.”

“You don’t have to do that. I can take the bus.”

“If that’s what you want, that’s fine,” Adora said, putting her hands up in surrender. “But if it makes things easier for you, I’m happy to do it.”

In the end, the temptation of a plush, fancy car was too much for Catra to overcome, and she relented soon after.

Later that week, when she and Adora went over the terms of what they’d refer to as the agreement, Catra found herself blushing when she asked the question that had been lingering on her mind for days.

“So... in exchange for the money,” Catra said hesitantly, watching Adora’s expression shift ever so slightly, “What... would I be doing?”

“Right. Um.” Adora started, swallowing thickly. “I know that usually in these types of relationships, there’s—” She cut herself off, letting out a small laugh. “I don’t know why I’m blushing,” She said, shaking her head. “Um. But there’s a sexual component.”

Not trusting herself to speak without it coming out squeaky, Catra just nodded. Her face was on fire.

“If that’s not something you’re interested in, that’s completely fine,” Adora said, raising her eyebrows a little. “I don’t want to pressure you into anything.”

Catra nodded again, clearing her throat. “And, um. If... I was interested?”

Adora’s eyes widened a little, and Catra swore she saw them darken as her jaw pulsed. “If you’re interested,” Adora said, her voice dropping a little deeper, “I’m more than okay with that.”

Feeling her heart rate jump a little at the sudden change in demeanor, Catra blinked rapidly. “Um. O-okay,” She said, nodding again. “Yeah. Cool. We need to—to talk about it more, though, right?”

“I need to know any limits you have,” Adora said, nodding. “Anything you’re absolutely not willing to do.”

“Okay,” Catra nodded. “Yeah. I can do that.”

Adora offered a hand out for Catra to shake.

After a second’s hesitation, Catra took it.

“Then it’s a deal,” Adora said, giving her a smile. “You’ll have access to a car service, my credit card, and the penthouse,” She said. “In return, I would just ask that you keep this between us.”

“Uh. Of course,” Catra said, remembering the very detailed text she’d sent to Glimmer after their first meeting. “Um. I-I can do that.”

“I-I mean, I don’t know what you’ve told people,” Adora said, frowning a little. “Just, you know. Try and keep my name out of it. Not that I’m ashamed of you, or of this, but with the company—”

“Easy, baby,” Catra said, putting a hand on her arm. She began to rub soothingly at it, feeling hard muscle under Adora’s dress shirt. “I get it.”

Adora blushed again. “You—you called me baby,” She said dumbly.

“You’re paying for my tuition,” Catra said, raising an eyebrow. “I feel like it’s the least I can do.”

The words seemed to remind her of something, and Catra swallowed hard. “Speaking of tuition,” She said. “When do you... want me to start?”

“Start wh— oh.” Adora’s eyes widened. She looked behind her, where the door to her bedroom was open, before turning back to Catra. “Are you busy tonight?”

Catra blinked, trying hard to tamp down her blush. “Not at all.”

“Well, then,” Adora said, taking a step toward her. Slowly, so Catra could see and react to it, she moved her hand up so her thumb was resting on Catra’s bottom lip. “There’s your answer.”

Catra opened her mouth a little, feeling Adora slide her thumb inside.

In a second, Catra decided that if she was going to do this, she would do it right.

Putting a hand on Adora’s to steady it, Catra began to suck gently on the finger in her mouth, watching Adora’s eyes fly open as her lips parted.

A few moments later, Catra released her finger with a pop, leaving Adora much less collected than she had been minutes prior.

With a wink, Catra moved past her slowly, dragging her fingers lightly along Adora’s shoulder as she walked behind her into her bedroom.

Catra stopped at the doorway and looked back. “If we’re doing this, there’s something you should know,” She said, watching Adora frown in a mix of concern, confusion, and arousal.

“What?”

Dragging her eyes up and down Adora’s body, Catra gave her a grin. “I bite.”

[stillness-in-green]

MLA Week, Day 3: Truth

Curious and Skeptic have a lunch date and talk about public perceptions and how to spin stories.  Takes place, oh, a decade or so pre-canon.

Content Notes: Discussions of law enforcement bias, compromised news media, and flagrantly taking advantage of the same to advance a narrative.  

———–      ———–      ———–      ———–

“It’s a good article, it really is,” Chitose’s editor told her, “but we can’t run it as-is.  We need more proof.”

“Anonymous sources are a perfectly valid basis for an exposé!” she argued, hands on the desk.  “We can’t let something this big get away from us!”

“I can’t let this magazine get sued into bankruptcy, either, Kizuki.  This?”  He waved her first draft for emphasis.  “It’s too big.  Get me proof, or someone’ll who go on the record for it.”  

“But—”

“No buts.  Give me proof or this whole story’s going straight to the Sort With Combustibles File.”  He thrust the half-rolled papers out to her.  After glaring at them and him for a few seconds, Chitose scowled and took them.

“Fine.  Give me a week and I’ll get proof.”  She excused herself under the guise of calling up one of her contacts.  Which was true, as far as it went.  She did need to talk to a contact.  Just not anybody she’d quoted for that particular story.

“We’re doing lunch,” she announced to the phone, and raised her voice to talk over the string of complaining that immediately started up on the other end of the line.  “My treat, college boy.  I need a favor.”    

———–

She met her date at Kiyashi Bazille, an airy, stripped down café built on two floors in an old warehouse. It had good cold-cut sandwiches and wonderful milk teas, but most importantly, a divided floor plan and the kind of acoustics that bounced every sound in the place up into a muffled cacophony in the ceiling beams.  True to form, Tomoyasu had gotten there first and requested a table secluded from the rest of the floor, where he sat furiously typing away at a sleek laptop, the power cord trailing down to vanish into a satchel bag propped up against the table leg. A can of iced coffee and a piece of cheesecake with a single bite taken out of it languished next to him, ignored.

When she pulled out the chair opposite his, he pulled out an earbud speaker and favored her with a particularly filthy stare through his bangs.

“I have finals coming up, you know.”

“And I’m sure you’re going to ace them,” she said, sitting down and setting her order card at the edge of the table.  “You’re only the biggest overachiever I know.”

“Doesn’t that just mean you could be applying yourself harder?” he asked nastily.

“It’s no good for the cause to drive myself into an early grave, Yaskkun.”  She bared her teeth at him in a way that probably resembled a smile to an outsider.  His hackles raised like an offended cat at the nickname.  “The same goes for you, you know?”

“I can handle my own workload.  Which is more than you can, apparently.”  He typed out another string of keystrokes forcefully.  “I need to get back to campus soon, so spare me the beating around the bush.  What do you need me for?”

“It’s called building rapport; it’s a reporter tactic,” she informed him with mock cheerfulness, then propped her elbows up on the table.  “How much do you know about the Haneki Park case?”  

“The hero involved in it just got cleared.  What about it?”  He glanced at her, then returned his gaze to his screen.  

“I thought some of the dates involved looked a little funny, so I did some digging.  You know that True Crime: Hero SOS program?  Films heroes while they’re on the job, so the public can get an inside look at a hero’s ‘daily life’?”  Tomoyasu scoffed, which she ignored, continuing, “I went back and double-checked.  They should have been filming when the Haneki Park incident happened, but no video evidence was presented to the prosecutors.  That’s why it was never brought to trial.”

She leaned in and lowered her voice.  “Now, I have it on good authority that the producer lied to investigators.  He told them that his crew didn’t get any usable footage of the incident because he was afraid that if they turned footage over to the police, then heroes wouldn’t be willing to work with them anymore.”

“Because of the public approval ratings.”  Tomoyasu’s typing slowed; his fingers slid across his touchpad and then resumed flying across the keys, eyes flicking over his screen.  “You never know when you might get caught saying something unflattering on camera, and if that becomes a big scandal, then…”

“Then your billboard ratings go down, and your funding, and your endorsement deals—the whole ball of wax.”  Chitose nodded.  “Exactly.”

“What was the window on the filming?”  He paused as a waitress approached with Chitose’s order (a ham and cucumber sandwich and a lychee mint milk tea), going back to typing and kicking her once under the table when she apologized to the girl for his churlishness and called him shy. When the girl left again, he scowled at her and went on.  “And how does this help our memoir?  Doesn’t this kind of story usually lead to calls for more oversight?”

Don’t talk to me about how to tell the Liberation Narrative to the public, you pre-grad little computer geek.

“Not in this case,” she said, resting her chin on her hands and narrowing her eyes at him, pushing down the flare of ire.  “The whole issue here is that a hero made a snap decision based on bias.  He didn’t know those kids or their relationship; he just saw Medusa hair and glowing eyes and put a minor in her last year of high school in the hospital for it.  The people on the scene knew better, but he was too busy showing off for the camera to listen.  It was naked bias against someone with a ‘villain quirk,’ and that’s not even touching the policing from the outside-in angle.”  

He was nodding by the halfway point of the explanation, so she finished up with, “And the filming window was August twenty-fifth to September fourteenth.”

“So you need me to dig up the footage.  I don’t suppose you can dig up a network password, Miss Curious?”  

A thrill of pleasure went up her spine to hear that name uttered in right out loud in public; she laughed in delight before shaking her head.  

“The footage has been destroyed.”  Tomoyasu stopped typing to fix her with an aghast stare.  “My contact says her producer wasn’t taking any chances.”

“You need an entire fabricated episode?”  This time it was him leaning in, hissing at her in disbelief.  

“I need the truth.” She leaned forward in turn and grinned, tight and fierce.  “It happened, Skeptic.  All we need is to be able to show it to people.  Unless you don’t think your software’s up to it.”  

“Don’t try that reverse psychology bullshit on me!” he spat, turning aside to gulp at his drink for several long, furious seconds.  When he surfaced, he plonked the can down on the table and returned his attention to his screen.  “What kind of cameras do they use?”

“Industry standard’s the Harashita V-10,” she answered, settling back comfortably in her chair and taking a sip of her tea, savoring the clear, sweet zing.  “So, how’s school treating you?”

———–      ———–      ———–      ———–

The restaurant is based loosely on Ginza Renoir; the Haneki Park incident semi-loosely on concerns the understandings in place between Japanese TV programs and the police they’re being informally allowed to film.  Specific links to come, again, with the AO3 posting!  

[tarotnoob]

I have been following you since the beginning and always checking ur new posts, however I realized I know nothing about you, without any pressure share anything about you, whether it be your tarot journey or what u do as a living or anything else ❤

thanks for asking.

i thought about this when i read it and why i don’t share too much or if there was anything of interest to say. i used to be interesting when i was younger. some basics - i’m an older millennial, i’m american. i went to grad school in the uk. i was in LA for a bit but stuff got screwed up bc of covid. i am applying for some jobs on the east coast atm. i’ve been doing tarot for not quite a year yet. the blog was started in... july? forget. i’m a writer by trade. i’ve written fanfic in the naruto fandom for AGES, but my degrees are in news print journalism and creative writing. i’ve also written for magazines. mostly i’ve been in marketing for various colleges, typically copywriting or managing their social media. i’m pretty normal but i have a lot of nerdy hobbies. i like anime, i like kdramas. i won’t say i like kpop but i like bts a lot. i just finished watching mandalorian. hm. i am a gemini but i can tell my mind/mouth are very earth lol. i’ve been working on my self for a year since i started tarot. once i got into tarot i started doing a lot more nightly meditations and became more open to the law of attraction and such - but i was always into tarot and supernatural things. 

i’m pretty annoying and self righteous as i think about it. i usually pick fights with people bullying others. i went to the jingle ball in LA last year and this karen (before we had a word for it) was annoying the young girl sitting next to me because she was standing at a -gasp- concert. and then she proceeded to insult the girl as well as myself after i stood up for her. even tho this karen had brought children and then went on to blame us for her children crying despite the fact she was being a major bitch and i told her the only reason they’re crying is because their mother is such an entitled embarrassment. 

so i get very naruto-y. like i said - i wrote in naruto fandom (a specific ship heh) for a very long time. and i had a lot of accounts associated with that but it’s how i met my bad ex and he stalked and harassed me a lot so i had to delete almost every account to get away from him. so, probably why i try to keep it on the DL here since he was effing nuts. plus i try to keep it about tarot. tho i think at the start i shared more? holidays had me a little busy. i don’t particularly even like christmas for the simple reason i’m always poor and you can never enjoy it bc ur too busy trying to buy presents and find money and there’s always drama - 

i’m glad it’s over. new year’s is tolerable. i travel a lot but i haven’t since covid since i’m around family a lot and i don’t want to get anyone sick. 

other than that, dunno. you’re always welcome to ask stuff as i’m pretty transparent. i appreciate you asking tho. it’s weird how when people are thoughtful it ends up feeling like a surprise yknow. however, i’ve found that people online when you have carved out a niche can be rather supportive and caring. granted, they can be the opposite. but. i appreciate the ask. i hope you are well and enjoying the blog, you seem to have nice energy so i hope things are going well for you and if good vibes can be sent, i hope something super awesome happens to you soon *sends it off*

[gukyi]

hi guyi! I’m gonna be a senior in hs this year and I was wondering if you have any advice on how to manage stress? eek I’m super worried

noo don’t be worried !!! my senior year of high school was my most fun year of schooling up to that point in my life, so enjoy it !!!! as for managing stress, i want to emphasize that whatever you are doing post-grad, whether it be a job, university, the military, or anything else, get a head start!!!! 

this answer ended up super long so i’m putting everything else under the read more!

i knew that my next step in my education would be a college career, but i made a lot of mistakes in the process of applying (see below for list of things i did i would 100% advise you not to you), such as:

i didn’t start my college applications until school started. THIS i would 1000000% not recommend because the beginning of senior year is crazy and you’ll have work on top of college apps. if you are applying to college, get them done as soon as possible, preferably this summer before you start school or before school gets wild.

i channeled all of my focus into a single early decision college application and didn’t consider other schools that i would be applying to. also not a good idea. it’s best to do all of your college apps asap just to get them out of your hair, but make sure to swing your essays by counselors or teachers or parents or adults you look up to just so you can get a fresh pair of eyes

when i got deferred from my early decision school, i had roughly two weeks after mid-december to finish 5 other college apps. these weeks were like, the two worst weeks of my life because i was stressed, busy, and unhappy. 

basically my thing is do all of your college apps asap because if you don’t you’ll suffer. 

aside from college, because it’s not a requirement for graduating hs and you don’t have to go for whatever reason, avoiding stress in senior year is actually easier than you think. this is reliant on you doing your college apps (if you are applying) asap, but can be applied if you aren’t or even if you’re a slacker like me. 

in my experience, senior year was the most fun, the least work, and the busiest! this is totally subjective based on where you are and what you’re doing, but here are some things i do to both manage stress and avoid it entirely:

make sure to do things with your friends because this is the last year you’ll get to spend seeing each other every single day

embrace self care, but not necessarily the face-mask bath-bomb type. do things you love in your free time, binge tv shows and youtube videos, listen to your favorite music, draw, write, read, work out, whatever.

T I M E M A N A G E M E N T. if you keep track of everything you have to do (in a planner, a bullet journal, on your calendar, whatever) then you’ll feel instantly less stressed because chances are, it’s less than you think it is. set daily goals for your work and accomplish them. when you’re finished for the day, do some self-care. 

make sure you’re eating 3 goddamn meals a day and drinking water.

talk with the teachers you trust about anything, because they’re happy to listen to you. they can offer some pretty damn good advice too. the teachers i had my senior year were some of the smartest, friendliest, and most personable people i’ve ever met in my life.

have fun because senior year is a blast and ends on an extremely high note, considering you graduate. manage your time well, indulge in the things you love, talk with the people you trust, and live your best goddamn life !!!

[lavenderek]

When and how did Stiles realise he wasn't straight?

I imagine he always assumed everybody knew a few dudes they’d kiss. You know? Like you’re straight because you want to be with a woman. Because that’s what you do. And as he got older he obviously began to realize that’s not exactly the case. For everyone. It was for him, because any attraction he did experience to dudes was superficial and passing. He doesn’t know anybody he could experiment with, and even if he did, he fell in love with any woman who insults him, actually, so he didn’t have a lot of bandwidth to focus on whether or not he theoretically liked theoretical dudes.

And finally at some point in college, he meets a dude he’d kiss, and the dude he’d kiss indicates a willingness to kiss him back. This situation is a lot less theoretical than Stiles is comfortable with. He can’t come up with a reason not to. He’s young, he’s single, he’s wearing a tight black t-shirt and he’s a little bit buzzed, and it’s not like it’ll mean anything, right? Like he’s a guy. It’s not, like, a thing, he’s not gay, so it’s not - but it does. And it is. And he can and he does and the next day everything seems a little different, a little more interesting and new, a little more fragile.

After the second dude he hooks up with, he has to face that this is real, and he has to tell his friends, and a couple are pretty supportive, one of them stops talking to him, and the rest think he’s just… being Stiles. You know how Stiles is. He’s a little flighty. He wants attention, he aches for affection and romantic approval. It’s sad. Let him have his bicurious phase. He dates a dude and after five or six months the dude dumps him, and he gets drunk about it and tells his friends that realizing he’s into everybody just means anybody can break his heart. Everybody just nods placatingly and buys him another sparkling apple sangria. What a yahoo.

I just think he’s bad at dating. I think he struggles with how often to text people and when to start talking about the future. I think he misreads intentions and asks for too much too soon, or too little too late, or not enough now, and he gets his hopes up and he assumes he’s not wanted somewhere he is, or assumes he’s wanted somewhere he’s not. He’s a poor communicator, he can’t read body language, and he’s needy. The only things he knows he’s good at are kissing, oral sex, and hugs, and even those are touch and go sometimes. I think he was hoping it would be easier with a dude, at least. It isn’t really. They’ll go distant on him or get manipulative, too. Just in different ways. Or it seems different because of Stiles’ preconceptions. But it’s not different at all. No matter what gender, they always tell Stiles they’re “sorry for getting his hopes up.”

Stiles can take a breakup really well now, very calm and respectful; and then as soon as he walks in the door of his apartment he fucking teleports into the bathtub and physically manifests a cranberry rum fizz in his hand like he’s Doctor Strange. He is a sad drunk and takes sadness baths and if you can’t accept him as he is, then you can’t have him. (No one seems to accept him as he is, and yet, they still manage to have him.)

He works through it, literally. He finishes college and skips the ceremony because his grandma can’t come and she’s the only reason he’d walk for it anyhow. He’s applying for desk jobs, anything that pays better and has him on his feet less, but nothing’s panning out so he’s still working at the bar, trying to figure out where to go from here. He’s down somewhere in SoCal for his step-uncle’s wedding when he runs into Derek for the first time in a few years. He turns around in the Mexican restaurant he’s standing in line at and sees Derek backlit by the vivid afternoon sun. Maybe it’s just the passage of time or Stiles having learned more about himself and the world, but he’s surprised by how the sight of Derek just… wow, just makes him just as angry as it did when he was sixteen. He asks Derek why he’s here.

Derek asks him where. Stiles says here. Derek says Jabanero’s? It’s a business. He’s a patron. He’s patronizing the business. God, Stiles hates him. What a fucking dick. It’s so weird that Stiles thinks he looks so good, though. Look at his arms, holy shit.

Obviously Derek’s always been attractive. Stiles does not need that explained to him. He just gets to consider it in a new light, is all. He gets to look at it in that afternoon sun, inside the Jabanero’s. Maybe it’s kind of refreshing to encounter somebody who’s an asshole but knows he’s an asshole. Who’s an asshole in the same ways Stiles is an asshole. Stiles is pretty self aware these days: these things no longer escape him. And maybe it’s interesting to be able to consider these things about Derek.

Not that it matters. He tells Derek where he can stick his grapes and he collects his enchiladas with extra verde sauce and he returns to his hotel room where he sees that his ex is “in a relationship” with a beautiful ginger woman named Rebecca, and you can’t reach Stiles for the next several hours because he’s just rented Pacific Rim on iTunes and he’s going to watch it on his laptop, in the bathtub, while he eats his enchiladas. He loves big robots and space ships. He loves people with long hair and soft tits and people with chest hair and big dicks.

He wishes he had one.

A space ship.

Anyway, Stiles never manages to get that desk job, so he quits at the bar and moves down to LA, decides to go to grad school. There’s another Jabanero’s here, but Stiles doesn’t run into Derek at it. He runs into Derek at his new job, a bar and grille. It’s a step up, he explains a little facetiously to Derek as he takes the order of two very annoyed customers. He used to wait tables at a bar. Now he waits tables at a bar and grille. It’s the grille, with the E on the end, Stiles’ life is looking up. Derek doesn’t like beer a whole lot, but he orders a beer so he can stay and talk to Stiles until the end of his shift, at which point they go to the Jabanero’s so he can continue to talk to Stiles, and after Jabanero’s they go and stand under a street light so they can recommence their really draining conversation about some semantic bullshit on a hill that Stiles seems to expect Derek to be willing to die on, and it’s right at the point where Stiles is about to tell Derek that nope, he still hates him that Stiles realizes nope, he also wants him.

Not that it matters. Only it does. Because Derek is a werewolf - I know, you forgot! It’s because it’s stupid! - and he notices it too, about a minute after Stiles does. He tells Stiles to come back to his apartment with him. And Stiles says no. He has class in the morning. Does Derek think Stiles doesn’t do anything but be a waiter and then blip out of existence as soon as Derek’s not looking? He has a life. Holy cow. But Sunday’s his day off, and so he sleeps with Derek on Saturday night. He only makes one Bay City Rollers joke and Derek isn’t nearly impressed enough for it, Stiles thinks.

But here he is, all the same, in bed with Derek-The-Werewolf, who has a big dick and insults him, and he feel pretty lucky, actually, that he can be here now and reflect on being a misguided teenager with way too much on his plate and a confused college student with homophobic friends who bullied him and a hardened grad student with a lot of potential. It’s difficult to read Derek a lot of the time. He just has that kind of face, that kind of demeanor. So Stiles is mostly sure this isn’t a romance thing, probably just a sexual intrigue thing. He tries to imagine a forever-partner for Derek and that partner is nothing like Stiles. But Derek’s different in bed, softer somehow, and if Stiles pictures a forever-partner for himself, it’s getting harder to not picture somebody like Derek.

Which is really just obnoxious. He’d thought he was over this bullshit, this thing he does where he gets his hopes up right out the gate. He has to do two things: he has to get Derek to leave before he can get attached, and he has to physically show himself why it can’t work out with Derek. So he decides to abandon all his hard-earned skills at dating and be Extra. He decides to be one hundred percent selfish in this relationship. It’s very freeing. He insists on getting spooned, day one. He describes his ideal living situation, from location to architecture to decor to expected home behavior, day two. He grills Derek about whether or not he wants kids someday, day three. He demands to be brought lunch at work, day four. He only texts Derek when he has something to say, and he always texts Derek when he has something to say, and he studiously does not keep track of how reciprocated his texts are. He invites Derek to his coworker’s roommate’s birthday party at a karaoke bar and makes him watch his and his coworker’s extremely inebriated performance of ABBA’s “Take A Chance On Me.” Then he forces Derek to bring him Pedialyte and toast the next day. He lets himself into Derek’s apartment to make him a birthday cake that January. It’s a terrible cake. Derek tells him it’s a terrible cake. Stiles knows it’s a terrible cake. It’s a terrible fucking cake!

And he’s completely confused because he looks up one day and it’s a week from their fucking anniversary and his fucking hopes are still up!

He freaks out about it actually. Because when he goes and explains it note for note to Scott and Lydia, they just stare blankly. From their end it just sounds like he’s describing dating somebody. For a year, in fact. Stiles realizes that he wasn’t trying to be unbearable, he was just being as authentic as he could possibly be. He skipped over the careful, tentative part and leapt feet first into where he’d never had the opportunity to get before. And that’s why it’s been a year and his hopes are still up. Because maybe his hopes aren’t up. Maybe that’s not what having your hopes up feels like. Maybe that’s just what it feels like when you have feelings for somebody. It’s been a year and he’s still here. So he’s in love with Derek, which actually just makes this entire plan all the more miserable. It backfired. A lot.

He drives to Derek’s apartment, barges in, slams the door shut, and announces that he wants them to move in together. Derek looks up at him from the couch, and Stiles continues his announcement as he pulls his shoes off and chucks them in various directions. He does not want to keep his own apartment because it sucks. And he does not want to keep Derek’s apartment because it sucks less than Stiles’ but it still sucks. And he wants to do it as soon as his lease is up in May. And he wants green sheets. And a blue fucking rug. And a cat. And Derek just says okay. To all of it, to every item he says okay. He makes a face at the blue rug and the cat, but he says okay. And Stiles loses his mind. He wants to know: Why??? Why do you just let me do this! Why do you just accept my demands like this! I never do anything for you! I don’t know what your fucking game is!

To which Derek answers that he has no idea what Stiles is talking about. Stiles invites him places and remembers things about him. Stiles texts him, but he doesn’t text him on a weird schedule, like one day he’ll send Derek a single text letting him know when he gets out of work, and the next day he’ll send a ten-text rant about some weird comment someone made when he was trying to buy nail polish remover, because he wasn’t buying it because he paints his nails, but so what if he was? Stiles made him a fucking birthday cake. The sex is really good and Stiles likes to be the little spoon. The things Stiles wants jive with the things Derek wants. And Derek likes knowing what Stiles wants. Stiles is a heart-on-his-sleeve type, which isn’t charming so much as refreshing and comforting. He also smells good and gives really good head. Derek has plenty of complaining, but no real complaints.

Stiles can’t believe this. Derek likes being the big spoon? He likes hearing from Stiles? He likes hearing from Stiles at the exact rate at which he hears from Stiles? He doesn’t mind going the places Stiles wants him to go? He also wants big windows?

And he knows Derek’s just like him, likes girls, which just leads to more questions.

He also pictures a future with Stiles? You can be like this and still be with someone forever? This isn’t just some misguided, childish dream Stiles hasn’t been able to shake?

Stiles’ campaign of being Too Much just ended up being the most honest relationship he’s ever been in, and he’s pretty peeved to have fallen in love without noticing. He demands to be taken to bed and fucked.

And your question was answered a ridiculously long time ago, but I extended my answer to here because this is when he finished rounding the bases, the gay bases, the gayses, thank you, sorry, bye.

[wouldadepressedpersonmakethis]

phone wars

STORE 1: “Mobicity”

IDRIS ELBA (45, reserved by kate aa) - store manager: super intense!!!!! runs his store like he’s running an army!!!! treats every sale like a life or death situation!!! has some raymond holt vibes too??? like this, this, this, and this are all him! expects peRFECTION from his employees!!!! the interview process is inSANE!!!!!! definitely treats the other stores and their employees like mortal enemies!!!!! his office is conveniently located so that he can spy on the store two stores. also has some john mulaney’s dad vibes. “you have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair” “god can’t hear you” “how are you better than a nazi?” “let’s change the subject” “1 black coffee”

MICHEAL B. JORDAN (31 , reserved by kate aa) - didn’t believe that IDRIS ELBA was a real person but heard stories from his sister. forged an impressive resume and got a job as his assistant manager. got the job just so he could mess w/ idris for fun???? super talented at pretending like he’s got his shit together when in reality he’s super lazy (except when it comes to playing elaborate pranks). secretly dating melissa benoist

RICHARD AYOADE (41) - salesperson, always nervous!!! brilliant but no social skills, terrified of idris, talks fast, throws up when he gets nervous, “i’m okay as long as i don’t think about it!” you could spill soup on him and he’d probably apologize to you

KATIE MCGRATH (35) - idris’s assistant; once dated chris pine; may or may not have gotten this job just to desTROY him; super ambitious/intelligent; could be doing any number of things w/ her life but she’s also kind of petty; has a lot of meryl streep in the devil wears prada vibes, does have a lot of respect for idris but also has plans to over-throw him; can be intense?????? only cares about 1 person (her sister/cousin/bff???) still attracted to chris pine but u won’t hear her say that

ZOEY DEUTCH (23) - katie’s assistant; STRESS LEVEL IS CONSTANTLY A 11/10; def has anne hathaway’s job in tdwp; got this job by mistake; is the furthest thing from organized; applied for a janitor position b/c that’s all she’s qualified to do here but somehow her resume got mixed up??? *** she thinks it was a mistake but it was actually just a prank that MBJ played*** faking it until she makes it??? or rather until she gets fired heh. pretending to be an uptight harvard grad but instead hardly graduated hs and doesn’t know how to adult; may or may not have spent her entire first pay check on fuzzy socks and mozzarella sticks.

??? another lady 

STORE 2: “What’s App”

CHARLIE DAY (42) -- an idiot, super chill and laid back, somehow always accidentally thwarts the others’ plans to destroy him! a human disaster but somehow everything just works out for him. his store is a mess tbh??? very unorganized but somehow the most successful of the three??

DYLAN O’BRIEN (26) -- wanted to work for store #1 with a deep passion and intensity!! looks @ idris elba as his idol??? potentially calls him dad accidentally a lot??? idk its weird and IDRIS ELBA got super annoyed with him constantly applying to work for him so instead he sent him to work at store 2 as a “spy”. he takes this role suPER seriously and basically thinks he’s james bond. never gets anything at all helpful for idris elba. has a weird and elaborate fake back story for going undercover. most people can tell he is a “spy”?

ZENDAYA (21) (reserved by lizzy) - younger sister to MBJ and GMR. college student. this is 100% the best summer job she’s ever had. super unmotivated to do well most of the time and just tricks #2 to do all of her work for her. loves just to sit back and watch the chaos unfold.

KRYSTEN RITTER (36 , reserved by kate aa) - IT, monotone voice, always wears black, likes to pretend that she’s a satanist to fuck with people, surrounded by idiots, hates everyone, do not engage her in psychological warfare b/cs she will deSTROY you

BLAKE LIVELY (30 , reserved by kate aa) - heavy beatrice/eugenie vibes~ under skills she listed: i know how to do makeup and have an iphone, only got and has kept this job b/c her manager is as clueless as she is???? does try to be helpful but honestly makes things worse, doesn’t understand you have to put in a full eight hours a day??? often leaves for several hours at at time for lunch??? sometimes just doesn’t come back??? grew up super wealthy and was recently disinherited by her parents after she got into a huge fight w/ them over something stupid?? too proud to go crawling back but tbh she is def drowning in the real world.

MAX GREENFIELD (37) LOUD, yells a LOT, hired as the new brand manager. is grossed out 24/7 by the state of the store; sUPER dramatic; always saying how he’s going to have a heart attack working here (probably will tbh), also says he’s going to die of a rare disease working w/ charlie day (also probably true), has goals to rebrand this as a luxury phone store (closer in style to Oasis vs. a garbage). has his work cut out for him 

STORE 3: “Oasis”

CHRIS PINE (37, reserved by lizzy) -- super wealthy!!!, spoiled!!!! a huge ass!!!!! his father is the CEO but he wanted his son to work his way up the ranks on his own vs. just handing the business over to him. has become manager here but that’s as far as he’s gotten. will do whatever it takes to make his branch the most successful!!!! soooo dramatic!!!!! the level of bitchiness in him is absurd!!! definitely considers IDRIS ELBA to his his (1) true enemy!!!!!! def considers manager #2 to be worthless and beneath his notice (don’t mention that he’s actually his biggest competition)!!! has probably won the shithead of the year award. hits on his assistant 24/7 has anger management issues

GUGU MBATHA-RAW (35) - michael b. jordan’s older sister. chris pine’s secretary. the sweetest person in the world!!!!!!! does NOT deserve to work for someone like chris pine. doesn’t realize how much of an awful person he is just because she can’t believe anyone could be that awful???? would come home and tell her siblings about work and the rivalry and neither of them could believe it but then they all got jobs at the other two stores just to see if it was what gugu had said ... turns out its even better.

TIMOTHY OLYPHANT (50, reserved by lizzy) - hired by chris pine’s dad to keep him in line and make sure that he doesn’t do anything to harm the family’s or the company’s reputation. it is a fulltime job!!!! constantly stressed!!!! constantly like: idk what i expected!?!?!? keeps trying to talk sense to chris pine but that’s like talking to a brick wall??? sometimes tries to tell him not to do something in the hopes that he will actually do it ... but that never works either ... will probably die from a heart attack soon. spends his days apologizing to everyone  

MELISSA BENOIST (29, reserved by lizzy) - secretly dating michael b. jordan, her job is basically to keep everyone she knows alive???? helP, loves MBJ a lot but he does stress her out sometimes, kind of OCD, works too hard, super driven, just needs to relax, honestly hates this job but just holding it while she finishes up med school, bffs w/ zoey, somehow emily thinks they are bffs??? but melissa doesn’t have the heart to tell her that they aren’t

EMILY BLUNT (35, taken by kate aa) mary eileen vibes~ An Author™ (but not really) trolls her amazon reviews and obsesses over every bad one, hardly does any work? is “in love” with TIMOTHY and is convinced that he is in love with her too even though he’s blatantly told her that he is not, thinks they can’t be together b/c they are co-workers and that they are involved in some kind of forbidden romance???? is the office manager and has def put a lot of personal expenses on it w/ shaky, at best, justifications for why they needed to be charged to the company

JERMAINE CLEMENT (?) method actor. currently is trying to get a role as a vampire. never breaks character. it gets weird. 

STORE 4: a fro-yo shop that’s stuck in the middle of the war zone “Sprinkles on Top”

DREAMA WALKER (32) - believes all you need is a hug and some frozen yogurt to have a good day!!!! but the arrival of the three competing phone stores is testing everything she thinks she knows!!!!! her shop has now become hostile territory b/c all of her customers are mostly just the workers on break and they all just stare each other down!!!!!!! has become super aggressive in her attempts to try to get everyone to just get along and be happy!!!

CHRIS O’DOWD? JAKE JOHNSON (38-40 reserved by lizzy) - watched too many nature documentaries on netflix, feels like he morally needs to be a vegetarian now but can’t stop eating meat, so instead he justifies himself by making up elaborate stories about how the chicken he’s eating has unforgivable character flaws, talks at length about this to the customers? doesn’t have great social skills,has conversations with his cat more than w/ actual people; calls himself the alchemist b/c he once managed to burn his laundry, “i didn’t even know you could do that!”

NICK ROBINSON (23 , reserved by kate aa) - has a mild peanut allergy but took this job anyway. “i live life on the edge” ~ nick “you don’t” ~everyone else, has had a crush on ZENDAYA, got this job to be close to her after they went to different colleges? loves bad jokes, a Nerd, writes fanfiction, has won employee of the month every month since he was hired but tbh his competition isn’t that hard to beat, both proud and embarrassed to see his picture up on (the wall) so many times,

JON BERNTHAL? BEN BARNES?  (reserved by kate aa)- actually a hitman and this job is just a cover, honestly a terrible liar and everyone can tell what he actually does but pretend they don’t??? inSANELY good at his hitman job ... not so good at serving frozen yogurt? doesn’t have any customer service skills tbh, honestly comes off as pretty terrifying? looks @  everyone like he might just kill you, tbh dreama is a little afraid to fire him?? doesn’t look like he works here???

ANNA KENDRICK (33, reserved by lizzy) - always come to work hungover, the queen of TMI, hits on everything and anything that moves, tbh a sexual harassment situation just waiting to happen, dreama’s younger sister/cousin and was only given this job as a favor, tbh is not working out as well as dreama had hoped.

AWKWAFINA (29) has killed every plant she has ever owned (doesn’t stop her from getting more!), dumps all the toppings on her fro yo. constantly is eating ~free~ frozen yogurt and doesn’t realize that after her 1 cup a day limit, the rest comes out of her paycheck. still lives with her parents. lOUD. ZERO FILTER. will say whatever is on her mind at any time. is TERRIBLE with secrets and is pretty sure she’s gonna drop to someone that melissa and michael are dating and get them both fired! yay! bffs w/ melissa benoist, 

[emeraldload622]

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Automatic mouse and keyboard tutorial set variablefasrangry keyboard. Updated: 8/8/2019

You've mulled over the idea of creating an internship program with management. It's consistently on the agenda at meetings. And you know that many companies of all sizes are already reaping huge rewards from internship programs.

This article is designed to help you take the next steps from convincing management to posting your first internship on Chegg Internships.

Let's examine the specific benefits of an internship program in more detail.

Find future employees. An internship program is a year-round recruiting tool. With fall internships, summer internships, semester internships, and quarterly internships, implementing an intern program creates an ongoing pipeline of future full-time employees. And here’s a little extra incentive: At the one-year mark, interns who become full-time employees are almost 30% more likely to still be at your company than are other full-time hires. The bottom line: Reduce the drain on company resources from recruiting and hiring by cultivating a pool of star interns to fill your positions as they open up.

Increase visibility on college campuses. Having trouble getting your brand in front of students? With Chegg’s reach to more than 7,000 college campuses, we give you unbeatable access to college students practically everywhere. And if your company impresses one class of interns, word will quickly spread. Soon you'll find that the most sought-after student talent is interested in working with you.

Test-drive the talent. The US Department of Labor estimates the price of a bad hire at around 30% of that employee’s first-year salary. But it’s a human resources reality: Sometimes a new employee makes a solid impression in the interview, but simply doesn't gel with your current team or the way your company operates. Because of this, hiring someone as an intern is the most effective way to evaluate his or her potential as a full-time employee. When you 'try out' candidates via a semester or summer internship, you make fewer mistakes when it comes to full-time staffing.

Increase productivity. Gone are the days when interns were in charge of the morning coffee run and menial jobs no one else wanted to do. According to a recent NACE survey, only 8% of intern tasks involved clerical or non-essential work responsibilities, with the other 92% spent on higher-level tasks like data analysis, problem-solving, and logistics. A quality intern can make real contributions to productivity now, helping your full-time staff avoid becoming overburdened by side projects, and freeing them up to accomplish more creative tasks or tasks that require high-level expertise.

Enhance perspective. Interns bring more to the table than just an extra set of hands. Especially in today’s modular teams of 5 to 15 employees, new people bring novel perspectives that can break up the status quo, as well as specialized strengths and skill sets. Include interns in brainstorming sessions to maximize this benefit.

Take advantage of low-cost labor. Interns are an inexpensive resource. The average hourly wage for interns was $19.05 for 2019, significantly lower than the approximately $27.90 national average for all other full-time employees. That’s a more than 30% discount. And you aren't obligated to pay unemployment or a severance package should you not hire them full-time. Moreover, while their wage requirements are modest, they're among the most highly motivated members of the workforce.

Find interns free-of-charge. And speaking of cost savings, Chegg Internships allows you to post as many internships as you want, whenever you want—completely free of charge. By using the world’s largest internship marketplace, you’ll get extensive exposure to the top colleges and candidates, all without putting a dent in your recruiting budget.

Give back to the community. Hiring interns not only helps students in your community get started; it enhances the local workforce as a whole.

In return, the community will be motivated to support your organization. This makes internship programs an excellent, cost-effective public relations tool.

Close the skills gap. It’s a common problem: Newly minted grads enter the workforce lacking the skills employers need, typically in the softer skills like professionalism, leadership and communicating effectively. Help a student close the gap with real-world experience in an internship, and at the same time develop future grads to be ready to hit the ground running when they start working at your company.

Apply the latest in techniques and technology. College students learn cutting-edge strategies, techniques, and technology in their field. Implementing an internship program gives you direct access to recent developments. As much as your interns will learn from you, you can also learn from them.

Enhance your social media outreach. Similarly, college students typically have social media savvy. A recent survey from the Pew Research Center showed that in the 18-24 demographic, around 75% use Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat. Not only that, they’re informed about current events, popular culture, and the best social media trends.

So if social media is part of your business, interns can enhance your current strategy and build your following. And if you aren’t yet on social media, it’s certainly a good idea. Your interns can help you establish a social media presence and move your business forward.

Foster leadership skills in current employees. As current employees mentor and supervise interns, they’ll gain valuable leadership skills. This can be great training for an employee who will eventually occupy a management position. Supervising interns is often less stressful than supervising already established employees.

Mentoring and guiding others often motivates employees to hold themselves more accountable and become effective leaders. In this way, adding interns to your company can enhance and multiply leadership.

Improve the overall work environment. With interns on board, employees have a lighter workload, more time for creative or advanced projects, and the opportunity to build confidence and leadership by guiding others.

Additionally, interns often bring enthusiasm, motivation, and positive energy. This work ethic and positivity can easily rub off on others, improving the overall culture of your company.

Benefit your small- or medium-sized business. When looking for full-time work, the top talent often go for big-name businesses. But when seeking internships, learning is the leading draw.

Many candidates feel they'll get more hands-on training, real experience, and mentoring opportunities with smaller organizations. If they enjoy the experience, they may stick around for the long haul.

Employer takeaway: In terms of both today's workload and tomorrow's workforce, starting an internship program is an excellent way to facilitate success at your company.

Free download www video converter for mobileunbound. Take the first step toward reaping these rewards today by posting an internship on Chegg Internships. It’s quick, convenient, and free!

The internship program of New Hope Volunteers is a wonderful opportunity to gain extremely valuable experience in developing or underdeveloped countries by working in areas like social work, healthcare, education, conservation and many others. The program is ideal for students who want to seek academic credit to complete their program. Even if you don’t need the credit, enrolling in our internship program will still give you many benefits compared to just volunteering in a project. Here is what makes our internship program unique:

A supervisor

New Hope Volunteer will appoint you a supervisor, under which you will conduct research, study, work and write a report. The supervisor will be an expert in the field you will chose to work and the person will guide you and give you all the necessary backup for you to become an expert in the area you choose to study. Because of the guidance you’ll receive, you’ll finish your internship program successfully and gain much more out of it.

Fully Customized Internship Program

You can choose from many different areas to do your internship. If you are a social worker and would like to study and work in a similar field, we can offer you orphanage project; an environmental student can work in our conservation project; someone from educational background can do their work in the schools. There are many areas for you to choose from. They are:

Social Work

Education

Healthcare

Women's issues

Health sector

Language and culture

Environment and conservation

Flexible Program

You can choose how long you want to intern. The longer the better but we offer you shorter option also. You can basically choose from 2-12 weeks and enroll anytime of the year. On top of that, you can intern in more than one area if you want. For instance, you can choose to spend half of your time looking at environmental issues and the other half working at orphanages.

Unique Cultural Experience

With New Hope Volunteers, your internship program will be much more than a normal experience. In our unique model, you’ll also learn about the culture and customs of your host country and make local friends. Many interns start their program with your unique language and culture immersion program. The program familiarizes the participants intimately with the host country. After that, you’ll then stay with a host family during your program. Your host family will serve you 3 local meals and take you in as a family member. Staying with a host family will be a wonderful opportunity to learn about local customs and cuisines and you can even practice local language skills you’ll have acquired by participating in our language and cultural program. Many interns have found this model thoroughly engrossing and a complete and unique experience.

Internship Certificate

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New Hope Volunteers will provide you with a Certificate of Completion after you finish your internship program. It will state the type of work you’ve done, the length of time you’ve taken to do it and what you’ve achieved. Your supervisor will also be happy to write you a letter of recommendation.

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All this makes the internship program of New Hope Volunteers unique and highly desirable. So come join our program and experience the country, the communities, the people and the work intimately.

[tomoyanosekai]

Towards Something New ~夢に向かって飛べ!~(Yume ni Mukatte Tobe: Leap Towards Your Dreams!)

If I were to be extremely blunt, this year has sort of been the worst. I think if we objectively look at 2020 and everything that’s happened so far, it’s been an extremely tough year for the world, and the idea of normalcy won’t be coming back anytime soon. I don’t usually open up about the creative process that goes on in my mind as I write these monthly posts, but I usually don’t like or want to be repetitive. With every month, I’d prefer presenting something new to the table as I continue living and discovering more about life. Instead, I’ve noticed that I’ve sort of been continually prattling on about the importance of friendship and personal growth or the idea of perseverance during hard times, all while looking back and reflecting on better moments and times in my life. Even though those things are all important and not exactly bad, the repetitive nature has been bothering me for a while. I’m aware that most of my recent posts have been a bit repetitive, but they present a continuous narrative of my life. Unfortunately that’s just the nature of 2020 so far since I can’t really look forward and make thorough plans for my future, and the only thing I can really do is either look back to the past or live day to day; the latter of which has been hard. This month’s entry might just be the same. Though, as I lived through this past month, I’ve been noticing more and more that the life I’m currently living is basically a mundane adult life. 

“Adulthood.” 

There was a day where I drove around alone during the middle of the afternoon before going into work. At some point, I stopped by a nearby cafe, bought myself a pastry, sat down in a shaded area and ate my bread. Without much thinking or reflecting, it occurred to me that it had been five years since I started my college journey. Five years later, I wouldn’t have thought that I’d be sitting in a public area eating a pastry during the middle of a quarantine. With my collegiate career basically finished, it occurred to me that this was what adulthood basically felt like: a mundane sense of freedom. Reality is a strange thing, and although it’s a weird thing to say outloud and notice, that’s simply the reality of life I’ve been living. There was no more school for me and there’s nothing really for me to look forward to in the short term future. It’s been five years since I graduated and left behind a life of public schooling, where I saw the same people every day in high school for the past 14 years of life. Likewise, around this time five years ago specifically, my previous dog Coda passed away and I said my goodbyes to a lot of people as I prepared myself for a new life at Biola alone. Five years passed and even though I failed a lot and even postponed my graduation for a year, I met so many amazing people, forged a bunch of irreplaceable friendships and even went out and lived an important childhood dream of mine.

“But now that everything’s pretty much over, what’s next?”     

Looking at everything in the present time, something that comes with adulthood and trying to see friends is the idea of time management accompanied by busy schedules. However, when everything is able to line up, it only makes the moments spent with friends that much better. Spread out through July and August, I’ve been spending time with friends from different places of my life and seeing how their lives are all continuing on. When I talk to each and every one of them, even though the year’s also been hard for them, they’re all making strides towards their dreams. Many of them have gotten engaged or married, my best friend wants to go into a full time Missionary position, another one of my close friends went off to law school in the East Coast, another close friend wants to teach English in Japan and also pursue voice acting on the side, someone else wants to go off to grad school and eventually become a professor, and one of them is already inspiring others through their stories, and they’re shaping their field of work and also affecting a lot of people with their passion and desires. When I see and hear of all their passions and their desires to go forward with their dreams, only one phrase comes to mind:

「夢に向かって飛べ ! 」

(Yume ni Mukatte Tobe!) 

“Leap Towards Your Dream!”

- Soreo Hiden, Kamen Rider Ichi-Gata (From Kamen Rider Zero One)

In many previous posts, I’ve written about how much I love and admire heroes, especially those from Kamen Rider. Throughout this past year, I have been watching the latest Kamen Rider season that just recently ended, Kamen Rider Zero One. Within this latest installment from the Kamen Rider series, the main character named Aruto Hiden is a young man who inherits an Artificial Intelligence company from his grandfather known as Hiden Intelligence due to circumstances and becomes the company’s president. As the season goes on, Aruto learns what it means to be a Company President while fighting as the hero of justice; the titular Kamen Rider Zero One. However, in the middle of the season, Hiden Intelligence gets bought out by another company, which forces him to resign as President. But even as his company gets bought out, he still finds a way to restart after everything’s been taken away and continues fighting in order to protect the lives of all the A.I. and human lives alike, all while being pushed forward by the words of his deceased father seen above.   

Through the various meet-ups I have with everyone, I can see they’re all discovering their passions and want to see how they can go forward and make their own impacts in the world. I think that’s equally exciting and amazing to see. Although everyone’s been focusing on how they’re going to continue going forward with their passions and working towards their dreams, deep down, I felt frustrated that I haven’t been doing much. Exercising hasn’t been working well due to extreme levels of heat in Los Angeles and my hours working for the restaurant have been flippant. Although many people have told me that focusing on myself and growing on the inside is good and justified, I’ve felt a lot of frustration and doubt despite that being said. I know it’s a good thing as well, but this only felt more like an excuse to sit around and be emotional in a corner, rather than say that I’m being productive by both facing myself and figuring myself out while maybe applying for other jobs or something else. In short: I feel like I haven’t grown much and I haven’t actually been productive. 

However, as I sit down and listen to everyone take off and leap towards their dreams, I’ve also been continually reminded of who I am, and some of my own strengths. As I listened to all sorts of people, whether that be my friends and their futures or the problems of the homeless people that approached the restaurant while I’m at work; I’ve been told and have also noticed that I tend to listen intently to others with empathy.  According to close friends, I apparently shine brightest when I’m able to be passionate about what I’m interested in. Although that can be said about my giant love and passion for Japanese heroes, I’m not sure if the same can be said about listening to people and giving my two cents. Recently, some of my friends posed me with these questions:

“If you could grow in any way without limits, how would you want to grow? Or, if you know you could leave an impact on the world, how would you want to do it?” 

and

“If you strip away everything, even a heart for Japan and the experiences that came with it, who is Chad at the end of the day? How has God created you?”

To answer these questions, I think it was best said back in March 2019 at Biola’s Missions Conference: 

“My recommendation for students who don’t know what they want to do with their future: you should look to your past. You should re-engage with your past, and you’ll probably find that your future may be deeply rooted with your past.” 

With all of my friends who talk about their visions for the future and the things they want to pursue, I’m finding this to quote to be more true than anything. If I were to answer their questions, I think I would need to do the same; specifically from August 2016, May and November 2018, and my whole summer in Japan from 2019. Back in August 2016, I wrote about how I felt while working for two different children’s camps during that summer. Back then, I wrote about how I liked the concept of being a hero for others, especially being able to be a strong role model for the young children I was looking after. 

“...In theory, a hero doesn’t need to be someone who does something amazing, but my vision of a hero is someone who can be strong for others, as well as be kind and loving, and willing to reach a hand out towards others. During this time, I was able to become my own hero for the young children.”

Walking, Rising Up, and Exceeding Limits ~The Hike known as Life~ (August 2016)

Looking back at these words, I think that sentiment hasn’t changed at all. Sure the methodology and presentation of doing so has changed, but the sentiment hasn’t. In May of 2018, there was a day where I was able to meet a tour group consisting Japanese students touring around Biola, where I was able to introduce myself back then as one of Hope Rising’s Leaders. But I think looking back at a moment like that couldn’t show me how real my desire was back until November 2018, where I had a literal breakdown while trying to help plan Hope Rising’s VOICE event. 

“What, was all the shit I went through a waste of time?! I could’ve been contributing more so I could help make this thing a success! But no, I had to go sit down in a corner and try and figure myself out! What, was everything we’ve done for nothing?! My emotional struggles and everyone’s efforts, was it all for nothing?! Y’know, I’ve had struggles on why I’m still here as an officer, and what I could do, since I’ve never been to Japan. But y’know, last year, in April, I know God spoke to me, since I was able to have that run-in with that large group of students touring Biola from Japan. And y’know I still know why my heart still beats and bleeds for Japan! My heart beats for Japan because I care about the children! I want them to know they have a future waiting for them, and that there are other options other than selling themselves sacrificially! I don’t want them to go through what I went through!”

Tear Filled Cry~素直な気持と本当の友情~ (Sunao na Kimochi to Hontou no Yuujou: Honest Feelings and True Friendship) (November 2018)

The visceral and raw emotions that I cried out back then only show me how real my emotions and desires are to help other people now; whether that be towards the people in front of me or even those overseas. I didn’t know until much later that I would get that chance to go to Japan for two months and continue allowing my life to shine bright as a testament to God’s glory for those people who didn’t know. When you take Japan and all the experiences that came with it last summer and everything with Hope Rising, there’s a deeply rooted desire lying under that.

Finally answering these questions, if I could grow in any way without limits, I’d want to grow within my kindness and strength and be able to share that with other people. If I could leave an impact on the world in any way, I’d want to leave an impact on others by letting them know their stories and problems were heard, and were helped to the best of my ability, God willing. When Japan and everything related to those experiences is taken out of the equation, beyond all the current frustration and looking at who I am in the present, there’s only someone who’s been deeply hurt. But even though I’ve been hurt, there’s someone who’s trying their best to heal and it’s someone who became deeply empathetic for other people at the end of the day. That is who God created. 

Coming to the present, I never said that I didn’t know how I wanted to continue moving forward in the long term; I’m figuring out what I want to do as well. I want to be the person who wasn’t there for me when I was hurting. I still have the desire to help people by giving them a space where I can listen to and help them. I’ve always listened to people and I’ve been reminded of that a lot recently; I want to help other people by listening to them with empathy and helping them, all while continuing to be my idealized vision of a hero in that way. Japan or not, that’s what I want to do. Going forward, I want to take a year to grow by teaching English in Japan, and then eventually come back to the United States, go to Grad School, and become a therapist or social worker of some kind. 

“It looks like we’re starting from Zero, and this is step number One!”

Aruto Hiden, Kamen Rider Zero One (from Kamen Rider Zero One)

Although the quarantine and everything else regarding that isn’t ending for a while yet, I know this is how I want to move forward. Everyone else has their own way of leaping towards their dreams and moving forward. I know that I’m not able to really do that immediately right now, but if I need to start from zero again, I’ll eventually find step number one. As Paul the Apostle writes in Romans 8:28, 

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

I want to run forward. Not for anyone else’s sake this time, but for my own. I’ll get there eventually in God’s timing.

Time to start from zero, find step one and then get to a new stage.

[justalittlebluetiefling]

Chapter 50: Sometimes I Can’t See Myself

Rating: T Fandom: The 100 Pairing: Bellamy x Clarke Chapter: 50/68 Word Count: 2636 Words

Chapter Summary: The one where Clarke makes an unpleasant discovery.

A/N: Okay, damn, this was literally the hardest chapter to write. I’m still not 100% happy with it, but I cut it in half so I could at least get an update in. No cliffhanger, I swear. Anyway, I can’t wait to be done with the next chapter. It shouldn’t take me as long to get the next update out, at least. And then this disastrous portion will be behind us. Sorry for the lack of Bellamy here. He’s all over the next one, I promise.

Also on AO3;  Start from the beginning on AO3

The first day Clarke didn’t hear from Lexa, she wanted to assume she was busy. It was easier to assume that she was busy than to think that she was being ignored.

The second day, she was angry.

The third day, she was a little worried. She was tempted to ask Lincoln if he knew what was going on, but she didn’t want to put him in the middle of things. Instead, she decided to pretend that there wasn’t anything wrong.

On the fourth night, she cried herself to sleep and wondered what could be so wrong with her that someone would just disappear without saying anything.

The fifth day, Monty bought her a mocha with extra whip and caramel drizzle between classes. When he handed it over, he didn’t even tease her about the grotesque amount of sugar in her drink. It was clear that she wasn’t doing a a great job at fooling her friends.

She skipped her classes on day six, because she had slept so poorly the night before.

By the time a week had gone by, Clarke discovered that anger almost functioned as well as caffeine to get her through the day. If she let herself be angry, it gave her a little boost. Not enough to make it through the day, but enough to make a decision. She was done texting, done calling, done moping. She was just angry. Anger is what drove her to Lexa’s apartment to pound on the door until she got an answer.

No one answered, so she sat down on the floor to wait. While she waited, she pulled out her study guide for the MCATs to run over some more questions. The test was in three weeks and Clarke’s current stress levels hadn’t been great for her study schedule. It was a way to pass time until Lexa got home, but time still dragged.

And dragged.

It had been almost an hour when she heard Lexa’s voice coming up the stairs in the form of a hushed argument. Sudden, overwhelming panic made Clarke feel sick to her stomach as Lexa appeared at the top of the stairs, flattened cardboard boxes tucked under her arm. Lexa stopped in her tracks at the sight of Clarke and a startled Lincoln almost slammed into her back.

Clarke took a deep breath and clenched her fists so tight her nails dug into her palms. She barely recognized her own voice through the strain. “We need to talk.”

To her credit, Lexa looked mildly panicked for about thirty seconds. Of course, one of her frustrating qualities was the handle she had on her emotions, but Clarke felt a little victorious that it appeared to take an effort to get them under control. “I was planning on calling you in a couple days to talk.”

Lincoln scoffed, startling Clarke and Lexa both. “Well, she’s here now, so you can fucking talk.” He took the boxes from Lexa and let himself into her apartment. On his way in, he shot Clarke an apologetic look. She wondered how long he had known about whatever was going on. She wondered what they had been arguing about on their walk up the stairs.

The silence stretched painfully after he was gone. Lexa maintained eye contact, but her jaw was set.

Clarke broke first. “What the fuck are the boxes for?”

“I got the opportunity to live in Florence next year. My advisor arranged it so I can finish the year there. I couldn’t turn it down.”

“You couldn’t… couldn’t turn it down?” It was hard not to choke on her words. Any thought of standing to try to be on more even ground vanished half-formed. Clarke was sure she couldn’t stand if she needed to.  “So you decided to what? Pack up and leave without saying goodbye?”

“I told you, I was going to call you in a couple of days.”

“Were you planning on calling while the plane was taxing down the runway? ‘Oh, hey, Clarke. On my way to Rome. Peace?’”

Lexa had the decency to look ashamed, but her tone was still harsh. “Don’t be like that, Clarke.”

“Be like what? Pissed off that my girlfriend is apparently moving halfway around the world without telling me? Of fucking course I’m going to be like this. What did you expect?”

Lexa sighed and sat down on the floor, motioning to the ground next to her. Clarke glared and crossed her arms. No way was she going to sit next to her and let Lexa try to talk her way out of it. It felt like she had a better chance at staying strong if she stood, so she finally forced herself up. When Lexa realized Clarke wasn’t going to move, she sighed again and leaned back.

“How would you have preferred I handle this?”

“You could have called or come over or anything! We could have sat down and talked this out like adults.”

“Should we be sitting to talk this out like adults? Because you’re standing now.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Just tell me how long you’ve known about this.”

“I’ve known about the opportunity since before we started dating.”

“Did you apply for it right away?”

“No. I almost missed the deadline, actually. I didn’t want to put the strain on a new relationship.”

“And this isn’t strain on a ‘new’ relationship?!” She used air quotes, because their relationship wasn’t new. Not anymore.

Lexa shrugged. “I decided that I needed to look out for myself. I was being weak by trying to factor you into my decisions this early in the relationship. Especially when you’re not ready to make such a strong commitment.”

Clarke’s jaw dropped. It was impossible to fully absorb what Lexa said. “I don’t… what are you talking about? When did I ever give you the impression that I wasn’t willing to commit to you? You didn’t even give me a chance to fix whatever you think is wrong.”

“I gave you plenty of chances. I told you what I needed to feel secure in our relationship and you blatantly disregarded it multiple times.”

The ‘Bellamy’ of it all hit her like a ton of bricks. “Please tell me you’re not moving to a different continent to punish me because you don’t like my best friend.”

Lexa raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know if I’d word it that way.”

Clarke took a step back into the wall behind her, shocked at how far Lexa was going to try to prove a point. “Well, then how would you word it?”

Lexa stood, walked over to her, and ran her thumb along Clarke’s cheek. She smiled sadly. “I can be second or third or fourth place behind school or work or maybe even family, but I can’t be behind him. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to either of you.”

They stood there in silence for a moment as Clarke once again attempted to absorb what was happening. She didn’t know if she should push Lexa’s hand away or try to beg, because both seemed valid to her in the moment. Lexa had never been patient, though.

“I need to keep packing, Clarke. You can stay, but it would probably be better if you go.”

Clarke frowned and took a few steps toward the stairs before turning back. Lexa was still watching her. “We could have tried long distance, you know. I thought you were worth it.”

“It wouldn’t have worked.”

“Why?”

“If you don’t understand now, I hope you do someday.” Lexa went inside her apartment and didn’t look back.

Lincoln 2:32pm Lexa’s moving to Italy.

Octavia 2:33pm EXCUSE ME WHAT?

Lincoln 2:35pm I went to her place today to talk to her and ended up taking her to the store for more boxes. She’s moving to Italy for her first year of grad school.

Octavia 2:37pm Clarke hasn’t mentioned this to me at all What the hell?

Lincoln 2:38pm Pretty sure Clarke didn’t know. When we got back with the boxes, Clarke was sitting outside her apartment. L’s trying to hide the fact that she’s crying while she boxes up her books. I think she just broke up with Clarke.

Octavia 2:41pm Hey, I love you, but maybe fucking lead with that next time.

Lincoln 2:42pm Noted. Tell me how she’s doing when you get home, okay? By the time I got out there, she was already gone.

Octavia 2:43pm I’ll be home in 20 I’ll text you as soon as I can

By the time Octavia got home, Clarke was basically a pile of blankets on the couch. The pile didn’t even move when the door shut, but O could see Clarke’s toes sticking out and what appeared to be an eyehole at the other end.

“You’re being really nice and what I’m about to say is going to make you hate me.”

“Okay, then I’ll just open the box for you.”

Octavia didn’t need to look at the TV to recognize Parks and Rec. She set her bag on the ground and pulled off her jazz shoes before she called across the room. “Why are you starting at season four?” She thought she did a great job at sounding casual.

“I just needed to, okay?” Clarke’s voice was muffled and a little broken.

“Is it okay if I watch with you?”

“If you want. I thought you had practice tonight.”

Octavia was supposed to go to practice, but she hardly ever skipped. This was definitely an emergency and she didn’t want to leave Clarke alone. She walked over to the couch and stood next to Clarke’s head. “I’m not feeling too great,” she lied. “I think I’m going to stay home.”

The blankets shifted, the episode paused, and Clarke poked her head out to study Octavia. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she had stern doctor face on. “Do you have a fever? I can go get you some soup. Do you want Mucinex? Nyquil? Tums?”

“No, no, no.” Octavia climbed onto the couch and hugged Clarke as best as she could through the blankets. “I’m mostly worried you’re not feeling well. You’re usually studying your face off right now, not binging TV. Not that I’m complaining. I want to hang out, just in case.”

“Oh. Well, you don’t need to.”

Octavia rolled her eyes and started searching through the blankets. “Where’s the controller? You really think I’m going to practice when Ben and Leslie are breaking up? You know I can’t see this episode without binging straight through to episode eight. Maybe episode nine.”

Clarke muttered something under her breath about Lincoln, but O didn’t hear enough and just stared at the TV expectantly. The episode eventually started up again and Clarke leaned her head against Octavia’s shoulder.

Octavia 4:45pm do you know why they broke up? clarke has confirmed the event but won’t talk about the circumstances i can’t tell if she’s more mad or sad

Lincoln 4:57pm Is she okay? Lexa isn’t being very forthcoming.

Octavia 5:00pm well the whole thing is fucked up i don’t know if i even care why i mean i do because clarke’s a badass and lexa’s an idiot 5:05pm sorry i mean i do mean that but i know she’s your friend

Lincoln 5:07pm Don’t worry about it. I’m fucking pissed too. Lexa’s been hurt a lot though. I don’t think she was fully over her last breakup.

Octavia 5:09pm Well that’s bullshit why would she start a new relationship? clarke is way better than a rebound

Lincoln 5:15pm I know. This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have introduced them.

Octavia 5:17pm you can’t blame yourself for this blame your bff she’s an adult and knew what she was doing

Lincoln 5:18pm You didn’t answer my question, by the way. Is Clarke okay?

Octavia 5:21pm I don’t really know. we’re watching season 4 parks and rec she’s not crying but she’s staring at the screen and won’t talk anymore

Lincoln 7:14pm I have a theory about the breakup. But you can’t freak out if I tell you.

Octavia 7:16pm You know I can’t promise that.

Lincoln 7:17pm Well at least promise that you won’t jump all over Clarke about it.

Octavia 7:18pm Fuck the things i do for love this is bullshit tell me

Lincoln 7:20pm Okay, so you know they’ve been fighting.

Octavia 7:21pm duh

Lincoln 7:23pm Not helpful. I’m rolling my eyes at you. What was always the main factor in their fights?

Octavia 7:26pm no way no just no that’s the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard

Lincoln 7:29pm You really think it’s that farfetched? Lexa’s pretty insecure. Why would it be weird for her to be jealous of Bellamy?

Octavia 7:31pm okay you know i used to think there was something there i thought it for a long time but clarke started dating lexa and bell started dating gina who is amazing btw i was wrong it’s okay to be wrong sometimes it’s the way odds work despite what you say i am not perfect all the time

Lincoln 7:34pm Stop making me laugh. It’s pissing Lexa off. But you know I used to be jealous of Clarke, right?

Octavia 7:35pm wow okay even through texts you’re the worst liar you two immediately bonded

Lincoln 7:38pm Not true. I liked her, yeah. She was the most welcoming out of everyone. But she’s your best friend. She still knows things about you that I don’t. It’s the same thing. And you’re not the only one who thought something was there. Their friendship has always seemed a little romantic. Raven and Jasper never shut up about it. Especially when he was sleeping over all the time. He was still sleeping there a couple nights a week when she started dating Lexa. He didn’t stop until after she introduced Lexa to everyone. It’s why they never got along. Side note, can you tell them to remove me from the fucking group text?

Octavia 7:45pm still don’t buy it we knew he was still there they weren’t fucking and lexa never knew he was sleeping over, did she? also i asked them to a couple times jasper says no because he wants you to feel included

Lincoln 7:48pm I mentioned it to her once. Way before they met. I don’t know if she ever connected the dots. But she’s not stupid. I’d be surprised if she didn’t. Wait… can’t you remove me from the group? You’re the one who made it.

Octavia 7:50pm i don’t know what you’re talking about at least jasper’s been quieter since they started dating people can’t we call it a victory? and if you don’t know if she knew bell was sleeping over i still don’t buy it there were other reasons for them to break up because i love you i refuse to extrapolate

Lincoln 7:52pm Thanks, I think?

Octavia 9:48pm Wow. I honestly can’t believe Lexa dumped Clarke because she’s jealous of my stupid brother

Lincoln 9:50pm What changed your mind?

Octavia 9:51pm Clarke just told me on her own, I promise i didn’t even ask they’ve literally been fighting about him for three months are you still at her place?

Lincoln 9:54pm I’m getting ready to go home. Why? Want me to call you?

Octavia 9:55pm No. I want you to stab her.

Lincoln 9:55pm You’re terrifying sometimes.

Octavia 9:56pm All the time. And come on. Just a little bit?

Lincoln 9:57pm No stabbing. How do you stab someone just a little bit?

Octavia 9:58pm Ugh, you’re no fun. I just want to defend Clarke’s honor.

Lincoln 9:59pm All over it babe. I promise. WITHOUT STABBING.

[allianceexecutive-blog]

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[comeliashawnae]

Sneak Peek

“Finally” I thought to myself. “It’s happening, it’s finally happening. I’m finally getting my dream job.”

I sat nervously in the lobby, waiting. I’ve been waiting for 3 years now, an unpaid internship for 1 year while working part-time at fast food restaurant. 2 years of working 3 different odd jobs and making friends with each boss to build up my resume. I’m finally done waiting.

“Michela Harley” said the secretary

“Yes,” I said standing excitingly

“She’s ready to see you now.” She said with a smile.

I walked past her desk and into the office, and there was my new boss, Ms. Elaine Blaze.

Elaine Blaze is the first and only woman to fully own and operate her very own office building. Not a 200 foot skyscraper, but a five story building in downtown Nashville was still a big deal. Elaine Blaze is a self made millionaire from publishing her own magazines. Four magazines, bridal, fashion, fitness, and nature, and they’re all operated from this very building. A publishing and marketing company with ties all over the country and she’s looking to build internationally, and I am going to be apart of it.

“Michela , so good to see you.” Said Ms. Blaze standing to shake my hand.

“Great to see you.” I said shaking her hand firmly with the biggest smile on my face.

“Well have a sit, lets get to business.” She said pointing to a chair. She pulled out a book from inside her desk. “Now your portfolio is absolutely amazing. Some photos are simple, but I don’t look at simple as safe. I look at it as practical. You have to know the basics, and you do.”

“Thank you” I said still smiling.

“But what I love precisely is this one,” she said turning my portfolio to me. It was a photo of a woman hanging upside from a building, that was a favorite of mines as well. We almost got caught trespassing for that. Well worth it to be sitting in this office right now.

“Just perfect, I love that you’re a risk taker. Exactly what I’m looking for.” She said with a smile. “But, of course, you do know this more then just taking pictures. I’m a seller. I own four magazines and they need to be every store all over the world. I have over 40 journalists. That’s 10 interviews per magazine. They talk to important people that everyone what’s to know about. That’s how we make the big bucks.” She said with a smile.

“But you, my lady, will be my fitness photographer.” She continued. “For that, the real cash is by promoting. We promote the fitness gear, the exercise equipment, the energy drinks, you name it. Yes that also means you will be taking the advertisement photos as well. We have sample products, we market them, and you take the award winning pictures.”

My smile just wouldn’t fade away. How could it? Top designers from all over the country come to be in her magazines. And I’m going to be apart of it!

“The job requires major traveling, hence why I never really target anyone with children. I fully understand that everyone has a life outside of work, but to pull someone away from their children six months out of the year is unfair. Reasons why I specifically target people like you. Young, eager, and hungry.”

“And I am truly grateful” I said.

“As am I for you and the ones before you.” Ms. Blaze said with a sincere smile. “Again six months out of the year is a long time to be away from someone, my last three employees left because they were ready to get married and start families, which they all had a right to do. But to make things easier for those already married or in committed relationships I’ve decided to help with the distance.”

If she’s saying what I think she’s going to say this day just got so much better.

“For the past two years I’ve made an exception. My offer to extends to spouses or boyfriends or girlfriends. Some photo shoots they will be allowed to attend, for you that’ll be more enjoyable since the meetings you’ll attend will last an hour tops.”

“That sounds perfect” I said eagerly.

“I see that you’re very excited,” she said with a smile “That’s a good thing, but still go home, think about it. Talk it over with whoever, get all your affairs in order.”

“My boyfriend and I have talked about traveling for years, getting paid to do it. This is a no brainer.” I said no longer able to hold my enthusiasm.

“Just what I love to hear.” She said standing from behind her desk. “It was pleasure seeing you,” she said reaching out to shake my hand again. “But seriously talk it over and let me know by Friday.”

“Yes ma’am” I said shaking her hand. “I might call you tomorrow.”

I left her office smiling ear to ear. I can’t believe this is happening. At 29-years-old I have a salary job. At 29-years-old I have a career. 4 years in college, while working full time then cutting it to part-time to do my internship, 4 years in grad school, while working full time. Any free time I did get went to doing freelance photography and graphic design. No more of killing myself. Its finally happening.

I cannot wait to tell Benson.

My boyfriend, Benson Varr, and I have been dating for 3 years. Can I say that we met at a difficult time? I can. I had just finished school, starting my second internship, with a job, it was a lot happening. But here we are 3 years later. Every breakdown and stressful situation he was there. No more of that. We’ll practically be on vacation. This day is perfect.

I made a stop at our favorite Chinese bistro and got all of our favorite dishes then made a stop at the liquor store and grabbed two bottles of wine. This is amazing. I can’t believe it. He can finally quit his job. No more struggling, we can just live. This is truly the best day of my life.

I got home and realized it was still early, he wouldn’t be home for another hour. Good I have time to spruce up our apartment.

I poured the food into some metal pans and throw them in the oven on low. I vacuumed the living and around the dining area. Cleaned off the table and pulled out some candles from the kitchen drawer. Pretty fancy for a Tuesday. I checked the clock again, he should home soon. I should change, just something simple, don’t want to get to fancy. He’s going to be so happy.

I rushed to the bedroom and got into some leggings and a sweater then I heard the locks on the front door open.

“Hey baby,” I said coming out the bedroom.

“Hey,” he said not really looking at me and throwing his jacket on the couch. “What’s for dinner?”

“Oh almost forgot,” I said rushing into the kitchen to turn off the oven. “All our favorites.” I said walking to the dining table with a pan.

“What’s with the candles?” Benson asked.

“Well,” I said bringing in the second pan and a bottle of wine. “I have some exciting news. You know my interview was today?”

“Interview for what?” he asked.

“Blaze Publishing.” I said, slightly annoyed, “I’ve only been talking about for a month now. My old career advisor was still emailing about potential job offers. Saw they had a mail clerk position open, thought it’d be smart for me to apply, as away to get my foot in the door. She was even sending samples of portfolio around.”

He shook his head.

“Two weeks after I applied my supervisor from the print shop had signed a 3 year contract with Blaze Publishing passed my name around and got me a meeting with the head agent. I’ve literally talked about this non stop.”

“Sorry, long day,” he said taking a seat at the table and helping him self to a glass of wine. “Well how’d it go?”

I let out a sigh but smiled. Nothing can kill this mood.

“Well, it went exactly like I thought it would it.” I said sitting down next to him. “It went better actually. Baby she offered me the job. Elaine Blaze, herself, offered me a life changing career.”

He had started making a plate for himself as I was talking. Which had me slightly annoyed again.

“Wait, this is the job where you’d be traveling?” he finally asked. At lest that means he’s listening.

“Yeah.” I said “6 months outta the year. Not straight, but yeah lots of room service and suitcases. All expenses paid for.”

“6 months?” he asked surprised.

“Yes”

“Mi, 6 months?”

“Ben, what’s the problem?” I asked.

“Baby 6 months,” said Benson “6 months. To where exactly?”

“The agent told me Germany for 2 months, maybe 3.” I said. “There’s an athletic company trying to sponsor people in the European circuit. At least 5 different people have confirmed there spots. There’s going to be lots of photoshoots. Lots of opportunity to truly brand myself as a real photographer. Not just an ole timey tourist shop worker.”

“But you loved that job.” Said Benson.

“Yeah I did, what I didn’t love was the $8.50 an hour. That wasn’t gonna keep these lights on.” I said.

“What about the print shop?” he asked “You just gon leave?”

I let out another sigh and looked away. He does not listen to me at all.

“I gave them my notice last week.” I said not still not looking. “I literally came home and told you that.”

“Mi work has been crazy the past couple of weeks, you have to repeat shit like this to me,” he said getting up from the table.

“Or you could just fuckin listen to me when I talk.” I said finally looking back him.

“Mi, you talking about leaving the country, what about the apartment? Your family? Me?” he yelled.

“Like I said,” standing as well, “If you would just listen and not interrupt I was getting to that.”

“Your mother would really want you to leave the country for 6 months?” he asked.

“I’m not asking anyone’s permission. I’m an adult!” I yelled. “But since you asked, yes she’s quite happy about it. I called her as soon as I left the office. She started crying. She’s happy her daughter is finally reachin her goals. I’m reachin my goals Ben. I thought you’d be the littlest excited.”

“Excited? Excited?!” he yelled “Mi you talking about leaving me to go fulfill some childhood fantasy.”

“No, I was asking you to come with me.” I yelled.

“Come with you?” he asked

“Yeah, Ms. Blaze is a multi-millionaire. She can afford for someone’s boyfriend to come along for a few photoshoots.” I said turning back to the table and pouring myself a glass of wine. “You sure know how ruin a nice evening.”

“Well what about the apartment?” he asked “I mean we just renewed the lease 3 months ago.”

“We could sublease it to my sister. She works 2 miles up the road, and I know she’s ready to leave daddy’s house.” I said with my back to him.

“What about my job?” he asked “I’m just suppose to leave cuz you said so.”

I put my glass on the table and turned to face him.

“Benson are you serious? Are you fucking serious?!” I said loudly. “You hate that job. You bitch about it every day. I’m offering you the chance to leave it and you’re bitching about that too. What the hell is wrong with?”

“What’s wrong with me?” he yelled.

“Yes,” I yelled back “What the hell is wrong with you? I’m offering the chance to travel and explore and you’re telling me no!”

We both got quiet and stared at each other in a tense silence.

“I’m not abandoning you Benson,” I said “I’m trying to start a life with you.”

“Start a life?” he responded “What marriage? Kids?”

“Duh” I said.

“You went and got thing put in your arm and now you wanna start a family? You so backwards.” He said.

I shook my head and looked at my arm. A few months ago I had gone three days without taking my pill. I was so busy with my jobs that I just forgot. As a precaution I just took them all the next morning, but my period was late. He was just as nervous as I was, if not more. But three home test and an ultrasound confirmed no pregnancy. Then my doctor suggested semi permeant birth control. An armband requires no surgery, it was a simple procedure and it’s good for 3 years. I love Benson, and I know he’ll make a great dad, like I’ll be a good mom. Just not right now.

“We both agreed on this.” I said, “We both agreed that we weren’t ready. I came home and we talked about it before any decision was made. Its not like I got an abortion.”

“You a trip” he said.

“Really?” I yelled “I’m a trip, when just a month before the pregnancy scare I said we should get a dog. An animal shelter came to the print shop needing banners and flyers made for a festival for rescues and I said we should get one. What was it that you said?”

He rolled his eyes and turned away.

“Oh you don’t remember?” I yelled “Let me remind you. You said that we barley have time and energy for ourselves and that bringing a dog into our home be irresponsible. That it would be unfair and selfish. That’s why we didn’t get a dog. But a human infant is less responsible. Makes perfect sense Ben!”

“You know what, I’m not in the mood for this.” He said grabbing his jacket from the couch. ”How bout I stay at my moms tonight,”

“Yeah you do that.” I said. He walked away slamming the door as he left.

I went back to table and grabbed the whole bottle of wine and went to the bedroom.

“He’s such an idiot.” I said out loud. This seems to be all we ever do anymore. Fight over the smallest things. Everything, even something great like this turns into a fight.

[slowlyrisingabove]

Written in the past, about my future; how I will cope

Round 2…hundred, a restart of who I want to. Ive made it through yet again another Winter, not with out darkness but definitely with more light. I’m learning how to manage through this cyclothymic personality of mine. When we step back and disappear from distraction we start to realize more time exists to make yourself become who you want to be. I’ve realized an “ordinary” lifestyle puts me into lows. but a consistent hectic lifestyle puts me at to much of a high that I crave that ordinary lifestyle, for it brings a sense of calmness.

I’ve struggled since high school with figuring out what I want to be. All I wanted back then was money, a lot of it. I decided to apply to schools as a business major thinking this would be the way to make all that money I dreamed of. but after 1 month into my classes, I absolutely hated it and was searching for a new major within my school. I switched one term in. I went to a more creative field because the right side of my brain definitely has its shit more together than my left. Right away I felt more comfortable, in my classes, around my professors, and amongst my classmates and others within my college building. School was hard though, it always has been. I went from having an IEP and taking tests in testing room and having a full period dedicated to learning help, to going to a University that was a quarter system schedule and had expectations that high school honors and AP classes had. I struggled to keep up with the pace and I may not have finished with the best project but I was purely proud of myself for turning assignments in on time… well, most of the time. When I finally made it half way, to my 6 month internship "break", I left the east coast life and had an opportunity offered to me that fell into place perfectly, after an intense attempt to move west. While living in California, I learned how to truly be alone and enjoy my own company. Having been a social butterfly since kindergarten, I never really wanted to be alone. I cried a lot, due to the loneliness, but I never let it stop me from exploring my new surroundings and in exploring I felt connected, like new land was new friends. Unfortunately the saying is true, eventually all great things come to an end. 18 days after returning to CA I sat on the phone with the most heart wrenching emotional pain I felt, at that point, probably ever. My mother told me I would be getting on a flight the next morning with my friend, who had visited for the weekend, to head back home. I had a funeral to plan and a puzzle to piece together, my father passed. Laying on the cold tiled floor in a long stay hotel bathroom, he was found. My relationship with him was intense. He unknowably made me grow up quicker than a child should have to, for I was the parent and he was the child. He loved me, so much but although narcissistic, he did not love himself, making it impossible for him to truly act the way someone who loves someone would. He left with world with more secrets than belongings. Being the only thing he had, at 20 years old I was in charge of all the next steps. Luckily I have 2 amazing moms helped guide me through the process. I returned to my internship, where I would just start crying at my desk at random times and eventually headed back to school. I fell into one of the most intense depression episodes I have ever had and it lingered for years. I never experienced a lack of desire to leave my bed, a fear of the world, and a consistent feeling of not being good enough to survive. I was in one of my ultimate lows. I started smoking marijuana to numb out the pain and it worked… although key word, numbing. I wasn’t actually feeling better, I was just able to be “normal”. I was able to get out of bed, smoke, go to glass, come home, smoke, do homework, smoke, walk my dog and just do the things I knew i HAD to do. Eventually I moved back home and computed the last year because I felt I needed to be surrounded by family in order to get better. I no longer felt excitement over my major and I lacked interest in everything that had to do with it. but how on earth am I going to pay these stupid school loans without pursuing what I had just spent to much money on learning? I didn’t know. All I knew once I graduated was that I needed a break. So thats what I did. I turned my part time job into a full time job at Whole Foods, and I was a grad working at a grocery store… It doesn’t sound great, but I had no worries there. I felt comfortable somewhere for the first time in a long time. Money became less of an interest, and living each day to the fullest and finding beauty in the places around me became an obsession. All my father wanted, was to see and live along beautiful beaches and all I wanted was to travel. Knowing someone so close who died under the age of 55 puts life into perspective, reminding me that I could have only 1, 5, or 10 years left. I went from one extreme of fully living in the future, to living in the present so much that I didn’t ever think about my future. And thats nice… until time passes and you haven’t made or accomplished any larger than daily goals in over a year. When I look back, having my best friend invite me to her homeland, Colombia, was probably the best thing someone could give me in that time. I worked 2 jobs 60 hours a week so that I could pay my loans and go on this trip all while still surviving day to day life. I became a workaholic, my new form of marijuana. Work was mind numbing, all repeated action and social interaction, which has always come natural to me. I went away, going to my first 3rd world country and experiencing it with people who lived there. Here, I realized how important quality family time is, how much happiness it can bring and how much love comes from it. In experiencing that, it has brought a fear of leaving my family to move across the county, and in the time I redeveloped the courage to do so, flight ticket and all, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went through chemo and I had to watch my rock soften up to help. She lost her hair and was in pain. I was a helpless bystander to her sickness but knew staying meant helping take care of her needs and the families. So, my one way ticket turned into a round trip vacation and soon I was faced with yet again another winter. Come late september I felt the shift in my mood/personality. I feared this shift but knew i had to let it happen. All I could do was help myself through the process, but I knew I couldn’t stop it. I’m can be pretty stubborn and in this case, that means not wanting to take any man made medicine to help with my personality disorder. So I had to find other way to cope because my stubbornness was also persistent in not letting this cycle take everything I had gained since the start of spring. I started cleaning out my room, giving or selling items that no longer served a purpose in my life. I made some space and bought a canvas. Painting had once been something I felt connected to so I felt I needed to go back to it. The canvas and I stared at each other for quite some time. In the morning I would get ready for work and look at it, as if i were standing in front of a full length mirror brushing my teeth. I lived my ordinary life but started coming home to an outlet. My creativity was coming out again in what seemed like the longest break. I would mess up and just move on from it, because paint is like a band aid, if can cover up the ugliest of wounds and help heal them. Whether others thought I was good or not, it did not matter. after spending months with this one canvas I felt I had completed it, for the 5th time. In completing the canvas, I had completed winter. I found discovery in what gets me through the lows. it wasn’t painting persey, it was quality time with a quality action. See, painting wasn’t my healer, it was my savior. It was my tool to the healing of myself. I am my healer. I will continue to break and I will continue to heal. This life makes it seem like you grow up and things start to come together but that is the biggest lie we are told. We continue to break, and we continue to get better at repairing our cracks, so good that eventually we break a little bit less.