#finished after a kajillion years

[dysfunctional-doodle]

now i WOULD go rest after the whole ypi business HOWEVER. is there any way to convince you to watch it because OH MY GODDDDDDDD THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SERIES EVER!!!!!!!!!!! it’s certainly not the best written tmnt series out there (ESPECIALLY with the romance…. shudders)

HOWEVERRRRRRR there are a lot of awesome things about it i really like….. i think one thing i like the most about this iteration (besides the very obvious obsession about sunset duo) is THE VOICEACTING. in a tmnt voiceacting teirlist i would put almost every rise character in s tier and yet STILL, despite the fact i put donnie in b, 2012 IS MY FAVOURITE VOICE ACTED SERIES. the original ask includes the giant navy battleship line and. yeah. sean astin’s delivery makes it a kajillion times funnier to me. IDK MAN THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT SPLINTER’S VOICE THAT IS SO SATISFYING TO ME. AND THE WAY SHINIGAMI LAUGHS???????????????? HRGHHHHH

also a big fan of the dynamics between the turtles…… the absolute brothers of all time. sobs (again it’s very obvious which duo is my favourite hfhdbsjbsdj)

also this might be a slightlyyyy controversial take but mikey’s adhd is written really really REALLY well in my opinion. like ok donnie said he hasn’t matured since age six and infantilisation is a big problem with neurodivergent people HOWEVER. a big part of mikey’s character is that he doesn’t like being underestimated and wants to prove he is capable but also. as a person with adhd. YEAH I TOO FEEL LIKE THE PERSON IN MY BRAIN IS A SMALL CHILD. the reason i peaked in primary school is because, back then, i was only slightly less mature than my peers. now as i’m in secondary school i realise i am like a TWO YEAR OLD compared to these people. when i was in s1 i would call myself the twelve year old toddler because that was essentially how mature i felt i was. SO THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. maybe there are times he feels slightly stereotypical but hey, everyone has their stereotype moments, right??? (as cliche as it is i feel like everyone has had a “hey, look, squirrel!” moment in their life). yeah i just relate to 2012 mikey on a spiritual level. like every time he’s on screen he does something and i think WOW. that is LITERALLY me (which is why i’m surprised that one poll i have more people think i’m like sonic than mikey?? but i’m not complaining, sonic is super cool)

the 3d animation is cool (the increase in skill is very obvious as you progress further through the series) and the fight scenes are just. MWAH. SO satisfying.

also SOME of the romance is pretty ok! raph and mona lisa are great. also arguably raph and casey (but we’re not ready for that conversation i think).

i have a full disc set of all five seasons that included a list of all the episodes and whenever i finished an episode i REALLYYYY REALLY enjoyed i would highlight the name in pink sharpie… here are all the episodes i marked :3 (i might need to rewatch some of these)

the pulveriser

cockroach terminator

parasitica

the good, the bad, and casey jones

plan 10

a foot too big (i’m actually not too sure about this one right now, might need to rewatch it)

journey to the center of mikey’s mind

revenge of the triceratons (this one is only half highlighted for some reason)

bat in the belfry

tokka vs the world

requiem (sobs. sobs so so hard.)

end times

when worlds collide: part 2 (i think this one is where the giant navy battleship line comes from)

it’s ok if you don’t want to watch it or you’re not able to watch it but if you can and you don’t end up liking it THAT’S OK I TOTALLY GET IT THERE ARE A LOT OF PARTS THAT SUCK

erm anyways that was my strange ramble. sorry for invading your ask box 👍🏼

(oh yeah, the comics are pretty cool too)

(guess who michalina’s favourite character + duo is challenge (impossible))

Ok I will say oddly enough I’ve read the comics for 2012. Weird, but I pirated found them and enjoyed reading them, they were fun.

I have watched a few episodes - I did like the speed demon episode (I love the dynamic of 2012 donnie and Casey mirroring the 90s movies even down the name insulting scene where they are going through the alphabet) and I like parasitica a lot. I have watched others like journey to centre of Mikey’s mind, Buried Secrets, and the usagi episodes, and also the final episodes of the Tales of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (? I cannot remember the name, but the one with the insect guy as the villain who’s name I can’t spell and can’t be bothered to Google lol), that one where Donnie becomes dumb, the vampire ones, but that’s it.

What puts me off is the romance and the (in my opinion) partial butchered character Donnie has due to it. He’s genuinely creepy and it makes watching it uncomfortable and wildly out of character compared to what I’m used to. I’ve never been a fan of romance, and I expect ally despise the whole “main character has a crush on someone else but is so nerdy they don’t know how to approach them” trope. The whole love triangle and the poorly written “love at first sight” which most the romances in the show are just put me off completely. I genuinely have tried other episodes but I cringe every time the Donnie/April romance happens. It’s a shame because when they let Donnie move on from April or not be simping after her I really like his slightly sarcastic, blunt yet sensitive nature.

I’ve heard they kind of throw away the romance at season 3 but it’s having to watch this until then tbh. Maybe one day I will give it a go if people really say it’s worth the suffering of my least favourite trope. You seem to like it a lot so maybe :)

[nitewrighter]

Genji and Hanzo for the niche ask, if you're still doing it.

Genji:

a song that reminds me of them: 'Life' by Mother Mother

what they smell like: Canonically he smells like walnuts from his armor polish! I imagine he also smells like choji oil, which is derived from cloves, so he smells surprisingly spicy! He also smells more coppery after a mission.

an otp: Gency! They've been my otp for like 5 years now!

a notp: Dvenji or Bunnyninja or whatever. They're buddies, don't make it weird.

favorite platonic/familial relationships: Zen and Tracer! Obviously his relationship with Hanzo is vital to his character, but I love writing his conversations with Zen and I also love how his dynamic with Tracer can have these multiple layers of mentor, peer, and subordinate.

a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with: Godddd the damage done by the 'I need healing' meme...the poor guy deserves better than that, but at the very least it made Genjis super self-conscious in game so that they're actually one of the most polite and supportive DPS's when it comes to healing, in my 5 kajillion hours as Mercy, at least. Also this fandom can be pretty awful about his accent/Japanese in fics... like worse than Hanzo's 'cowman' awful.

the position they sleep in: He overheats so easily but still he curls up! Prefers to sleep on his organic side rather than his prosthetic side.

a crossover au i’d love to see them in: *sobs that he doesn't have a StarWatch skin as a loyal enforcer to or valiant rebel against Infinite Seer Mercy* Also I've got to finish Blades and Broomsticks... and also get back on that Mermaid AU.

my favorite outfit they’ve ever worn: Sentai! Hennnnshin!

Hanzo

a song that reminds me of them: 'How to Disappear Completely' by Radiohead. It's hard to find a song that actually hits his growth over the years and his sense of duty and discipline, so I'm just going whole hog into the 'Hanzo Depression Zone.'

what they smell like: He doesn't smell all that good from all the Anguished Wandering he does--blood and sake is unfortunately a frequent scent. But when he can clean up he prefers dignified woodsy scents.

an otp: Yeehan, but also Bapzo.

a notp: Healing Arrow. Barf.

favorite platonic/familial relationships: Again, Genji's an obvious core to his character, but I also really like writing him having a good rapport with Satya. "I sense a kindred spirit..."

a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with: Can we please let 'cowman' die...

the position they sleep in: Side sleeper, slightly curled up, chin tucked in, arms folded--he even looks grumpy in his sleep!

a crossover au i’d love to see them in: Would actually be very interested in seeing actual Talon!Hanzo AU's.

my favorite outfit they’ve ever worn: Cupid Hanzo!! It took 84 years but it was worth it!!

[the-mortifying-ordeal-of]

Are you there, recovery? It's me, relapse.

Welp. Got my ass back in AlAnon. Really, if I'm being fair to myself, I never left recovery. Basically since February of 2016, I'm been clawing and scraping my way to a healthier life.

February 2016: Joined AlAnon, attended 1-4 times weekly for 14 months. November 2016: Started weekly, then biweekly, then monthly therapy for 3.5 years. April 2017: Quit AlAnon (still deeply in therapy) February 2020: Went back into AlAnon, attended for a few months, then Zoom AlAnon died out. April 2020: "Graduated" from therapy (knew I needed a female therapist to work on sex trauma) and Zoom therapy sucked. May 2020: Started meditating ~sometimes, still going! August 2021: Tried AlAnon in new city, only attended a few meetings. September 2021: Started 200 hour yoga teacher training, finished in February. January 2022: Started biweekly therapy with sex trauma therapist, still going strong. June 2022: One-month sabbatical from my partner. November 2022: Back in 3rd city AlAnon, 2-4 times weekly, now living with my mother (temporarily?)

Meanwhile I've read a kajillion books and articles, listened to so many podcasts, attended numerous trainings, and have had a million conversations with people in an effort to deepen my authenticity and connections. I really am healing. I went back on my primary blog to see if I wrote about why I quit and gee whiz did my attitude suck. My attitude sucks now but not nearly as bad.

But ok, yeah, so here I am journaling. Because I don't want to do therapy AT my relationships, my actual therapist can only do so much (especially if I spend the whole session just regurgitating stuff to feel Heard when I could process here), and I have a lot to work through. I know that writing does a lot of good for memory and behavioral activation, especially after I flood myself with new information. I need to synthesize, process, rehearse, plan, set goals, and check in on myself.

It turns out I'm still deeply codependent with my partner, I rarely experience confidence, I experience deep shame most of the time that I open my mouth, I take personal responsibility for how people feel about me and around me, and if I'm being honest, I have flippant suicidal thoughts a little too often. I quickly spiral into despair, overwhelm, and hopelessness. It's possible the reasons I feel so terrible after dancing, talking, drinking, sharing, or having sex is because most of those are spontaneous, vulnerable expressions of myself and I feel like I am gross, bad, and wrong at my core. I only feel "confident" when I followed rules or a script well.

Financially I would like to stay with my mom a while longer, or maybe move in with my BFF, but I have a savings account and this might be a season of my life that requires drawing on it. Even though I have spent so much on teacher training, my master's certificate that I never finished, and my car might die soon. I want to hoard my safety net. My breathing gets tight when I think about money and the future.

However, I know I need to live alone. I'd like to find a nice little studio or one-bedroom here in my family's town, but I might go live in the big city with my other BFF if she separates from her partner, too. I need to figure out how much it'll cost to break the lease in our current place in Nowhere. God money stresses me out. This wasn't supposed to be a planning post but clearly I'm preoccupied.

I have a racial justice meeting in 30 minutes that I want to want to do, but I mostly want to flake. It asks a lot of me and exposes vulnerabilities and that's why I should lean in and grow through them, do my exposure therapy, but oooh the temptation of cancelling plans.. I know I usually feel better when I do things. God but I was up at 3:30am for work.. but also be the change you want to see in the world (and yourself) and I wanna be the kind of person who shows up. But boundaries! But sometimes self care is doing the hard thing...

I dunno man. I'm scared. I feel small and bad and overwhelmed and a little alienated. I have fabulous people in my life, I do. I have so much ego to dissolve, though. I also wanna explore at some point if my gratitude and encouragement practices are actually fawning or attachment/unhelpful ego reflections, versus actual non-violent communication offerings.

I'd like to write here at least weekly, maybe to discuss what I learn in therapy, in AlAnon, or do some structured journal prompts from all the things I've learned. I'd like an AlAnon sponsor once I know where I'll be. I'd like to read my daily literature at least every-other day, and meditate most days. I liked going to my mom's exercise class, she has a WiiFit, I always love going to my friends' in-person yoga classes, tis the season for indoor YouTube yoga too, and there's a walking track here I can use. I also found out I love hiking int he cold, as long as I'm dressed appropriately. I'm so grateful my car is still going - it's an anchor in a period that feels like homelishness.

I am good, I think. I do think I belong here, probably. Affirmations don't feel right and I'm very confused but I'm gonna keep trying and showing up. Ugh and I'll probably do that racial justice thing tonight too. It's about faith, so that'll be neat.

Future Me, I hope I'm doing ok. I hope you're doing ok. I'm sorry for my imperfections; please love me, understand me, forgive me. I'm trying to get there, but I'm also trying to enjoy here. We've been so cruel to Past Me and I want us all to be good, be ok, be whole. Be safe, be happy, be healthy, live with ease - you know? Thank you for looking out for me. We can do this, because others have and others will, and we belong with them. We belong. Everything is fine. All of it was good, right?

[tobebugjewce]

THE WALTEN FILES: my jumbled notes on my blind run-in with this web series

first off this is gonna be long and unorganized, also this is my second time writing this as i had lost literally half of my progress and im This (imagine two fingers almost touching with a 0.0000000001mm distance between them) close to ripping all of the fucking hair out of my goddamn head. but now this will be extra long and yes, i will lose some accuracy to my first writing but thats okay ill probably edit this a kajillion times over

which brings me to my next tangent; im literally braindumping here. so to have a smidge of organization all afterthoughts, edits and corrections will be boldened, i forgot what im gonna do with italicized text but ill probably bolden it here yeah im pretty sure its for side tangents, separate from Corrections, which are in bold. also theyre for emphasis too.

so in general, this post right here is all of my notes i wrote down on my grid-patterned sticky notes (which i used WAYYYY too much of) about the first 3 uploaded walten files youtube videos transferred onto my handy dandy digital notebook, this b(l)og. yeppers peppers. you know im serious about this shit when i typed probably over like a thousand fucking words including boldened shit, italicized shit and motherfucking links, lost it ALL, and im sitting here re-typing it again.

i feel bad about this but im not gonna trigger warn right here, but this is technically a warning. if you want a list of triggers as to what this post (and the walten files in general) i will link a little list to that here

without further a doo doo, (mama mia) here the fucking fuck we go again.

THE WALTEN FILES - VIDEO #1

clarifying this now, im gonna put some useless shit which i thought was code onto this because even though it was useless it was part of my notes and im physically going to combust if i dont put down every single thing i wrote on my papers. so what i thought was code was in the closed captions, i started writing it down when i got to the second video but came back to my first videos notes to include them. i wrote down the first letter to every word that was capitalized in the closed captions, which i had on as a default because number one i knew going into this id need them because most web horror things like args and cryptic shit like that has some of the most crucial shits in the closed captions. number two i am autistic and have auditory processing issues and have most closed captioning on as a default if theyre available.

firstly jotted, i wrote down the closed captions “code” so im gonna put the rest here too: HYWITB(BSI)Y A(BSI)BJWFKWITW ILHHFSBBSBTLBWI USOISTBNBSFIRBCAWHSHCBWHTAIGRNB*C*BTWLTSFA(20)MCFP ILITIIACPH(1978, 1979)SA(4)YTSCH*C*OGSSU SFTGRPATDBBUTFBNLLCHMIHLBRALLCLAYTUKB*LC*WHATWASTHATTHING 

the numbers in parenthesis are there because i wasnt sure they should be included in the “code” or not. i also thought of this with the BSI - bunny smiles incorporated and also the years 1978 and 1979. the shits in asterisks are coughs and light coughs, which were capitalized in the closed captions so i included them too just in case

i then jotted, in parenthesis of course, the names of the animatronics when they were listed in the animation section of the video; bon aka the blue bunny, sha aka the sheep one, boozoo aka the clown<3 honk<33, and banny aka the purpled eyelashed up one who is also a bunny btw. also i got boozoo the clown and boozoo the mustache guy confused because apparently the clowns name is billy???? but they named “boozoo” in bons sleepover and showed the clown? idk maybe im an idiot and theyre the same or just an idiot and theyre different or a super mega (matt and ryan?!?!??) idiot in general which is probably the case

i started drawing little stars to write down things i thought would be super important or to 100% look at again. the first subject of this pointy torture was the part of the video where at 3:00, i marked it down to make sure to reverse the audio as it was most definitely a weird audio that has that signature warp-y effect that makes sure you KNOW its in reverse. i then listened back to it Very carefully (still got it wrong) and got this: “you finally start to remember. that old doll. they will look out for you soon” im also pretty sure i heard “sophie” at the end of that audio but im not entirely sure and dont remember and i dont wanna go back to check lmfao but anyways it didnt matter because i was wrong anyway. after i had finished all 3 walten files i watched the film theory video on the walten files (which didnt cover all 3 but was dece.) out of curiosity and to hear matpats signature silly little voice explain some stuff i already knew, and click some shit in my brain that i couldve thought up of if i was a bit more... i dont know honestly. anyways yeah so the actual audio is “you finally start to remember. that old day. they will look out for you soon.” so yeah. day, not doll.

i then wrote down “sarah evelyn”, the name on the bons sleepover animation (i dont remember if she created it or animated it or whatnot) and scribbled will she matter? under her name. turns out no, as i didnt see her name in the rest of the series, let alone the first video. this is also a great time to mention how matpat theory helped me realize that the walten files are collections of videos, uploaded onto youtube by anthony. (i already knew about anthony as he signed his name in the descriptions of the youtube videos, making me categorize this overall web series more into an arg type genre.) but yes, the tapes, recorded “irl” footage, animated clips, vhs tape recordings and other audio-visual content is all collected and labeled the walten files, as i had mistaken each video to be a tape. stupid me. alrighty, onward!

i starred this one, good for me; MISSING: Jack Walten LAST SEEN: 06/11/1974

i jotted down with an arrow that; sophie was a nightguard? she was wearing the uniform explained in tape 2 i dont know why but i went back into my video 1 notes after i had watched video 2. organization purposes. i guess.?? 

i then paused the video when the screen flickered a date, the beginning of video footage dated 10/10/1982 (Brian Stells?) god my little genius ass assuming the videographer was brian stells, based on the id card i saw earlier.

i then wrote down what text i saw on the dead, mangled, bloody body in the purple security suit; “i cant feel anything” “he thought i was her” then drew a little arrow pointing to; thought brian was sophie? or ashley? i also starred the name Brian Stells this is totally out of order LMFAOOOOOOOO also i wrote down ashley because, again, my little pea brain went back on my video 1 notes after watching video 2. but yep thats all i wrote for The Walten Files 1 - Company Introductory Tape

THE WALTEN FILES - VIDEO #2 

Tape #1 - created 07/02/1978

awesome how thats first and foremost in the captions. god. so sexy of you martin walls. /j /nsx

this pack of notes is chunkier because again, like i have mentioned before i am an absolute goober and thought the capitalized letters of the words would actually mean something. I MEAN MAYBE THEY DO AND IM JUST DOING IT WRONG but i stopped doing it after this video because holy shit it was exhausting and my stupid little fingers couldnt take the writing anymore becasue i am WEAK. 

so write off the bat (squeak) i wrote down 197[] the blacked out rectangle over the last digit of that year and everything im also now assuming its probably 1978 or 1974 because lore reasons but whos to say but yeah i also wrote down this;

Tape #2 - created 08/13/1978

then, straight up in the beginning of the video i caught it, the flash of text, as i had by now realized i gotta be SUPER stupid focused on the screen in case i miss anything, i wanted to be crazy precise on my theorizing and mental notes, among other things. but yes i saw it, the first half of a youtube link;  “https://youtu” 

claps hands together and rubs them evilly. oh yeah baby. thats the hot lunch. this shit right here? the cats pajamas. lets fucking go.

i wrote down this goofy shit i pasued to inspect when i saw bon sorting through a file cabinet and naturally scribbled down the labels and other written things i could see on the files; 

relocate X/X/75 felix

storage K-9 07/23/1975 felix k(ranken)

Bons Burgers 06/28/1974 Jack Walten

Shipping Service 1975

New Location -> 1982

i also wrote down more goofy shit, like when banny was created for some reason; in 1974

starred, i noted to go back and reverse the audio at 5:09, when played back, i didnt write it down so i dont remember. lmao.

i also marked to screenshot and brighten the darkened image i saw at 5:20, i was going to do it on my phone then realized i can just do it on my computer so i quickly took a screenshot, brightened it and wrote down what i saw; a missing person poster that read MISSING: SUSAN WOODINGS(?) Last seen: 1974 i was very unsure of the spelling of her last name because the image was so goddamn low quality and grainy but its what i saw. this is where tape #3 gets thrown in, which im gonna type again because i like how the formatting looks;

Tape #3 - created 07/09/1978 (BEFORE tape 2?!//1/1??? its more likely than you think)

i wrote down more dates, any dates i saw, i jotted down. i wrote; 

Technical Support 1978 

then, 

Brian Stells (for some reason i dont remember right now)

alrighty this is where the stupid capitalized letters come in, but before it looks like i vomit a keysmash time infinity on this, ill put down the little inbetween things i wrote in the midst of the caps lockalypse like timestamps and stuff, so here you go;

- Reverse at 8:16 which i did but of course didnt write down what i heard. i think it was too warbled to hear anything clear out of it, or it was just the good ol auditory processing issues fucking me over yet again. WAIT yep yes i did here it is: “rosemary would go to the restaurant every night hoping that [her] beloved husband would reappear after being missing for weeks but no response until one day [s]he heard a voice [saying] ‘i know where he is rosie’ coming from the back stage” the bracketed stuff is the corrections, i misheard the audio and thought the audio said “his”, “he” and “singing” like a nimrod

- Brighten at 10:14 which was another missing person poster, but i dont think it had any information on it because i didnt write it down, just;

- Sophie again (pic at 9:08?) (dismemberd and put in Sha) i was stupid and wrong haha idiot it was rosemary who was put in sha but anywho

i starred and underlined a huge thing i discovered which was;

- Walten had 3 kids which i dont remember how i found out but it doesnt matter, its good important info i uncovered.

- Tape #4 - Unkown Date

- recorded 07/12-07/14 1978 

- Hilary B, Ashley P & Kevin W i made sure to get these names down as soon as i saw them on screen but then realized shortly after i wouldnt really need to have it as the closed captions made sure i knew which person was talking by using their first initial (capitalized of course) before each line of text. this is the perfect time to announce the arrival of the clusterfuck of capital letters, which is going to include colons which will indicate that the letter before it is the initial of the person talking. without further aedue, here comes another chinese earthquake;

TCWTSTATO(K-9)TBSSFWFCNEHAWBSUBIUC(BSIIDC)OWHISF INBIJTILNSPL(K-9)LCSCKCCCWTTLTLITTTYROTFAJAMHPYYSTCSPMBBWSBIB H:NTPPCCK:DA:HH:YCPRPMWTCBCRAWK:JH:SYYTCPBACPSTBAWCA:TK(?):FMTTCMK:TCPNOA:DTOFK:ITNPPRA:YBUTIRRFH:HKIBESRAIA:TCK:WA:WPCCFTRRIDPEH:GGK:GPA:LKK:WA:HNCGTKMK:YH:IGKA:ESK:MFH:RK:HILRLBNTRPPUWHITRRTPEIFEPH:YWBEBPK:MAHPBTRPTRPEL(LN)HTACPKLIKHPFITSKLTKLB(LB?)ISIBSUBIPRW AEBATHSPUAICTPURTWBBRPHTRTIIIILTCITCUCCP S(bpe, be)WA”IDCPBPSIB

holy shit its finally over okay now onto some MORE of what i wrote down in between and also after that keysmash attack;

12 doors? (backrooms) 27? 26? i was unsure because ashley was unsure too lmfao

found cassette (6/11/78) <- says “discard”? yeah it did

Tape in clown audio, speaking voice; jack, susan, charles(?), rosemary, sophie, last word sounds like “walrus” it was walten lmfao

Ashley died? yeah she did lmfao OR AT LEAST I THINK SO??

starred this one, Reverse @ 17:06, then got this;

“they left the next day, they thought ashley left early, but she was in the backdoors, screaming as much as she could, but no one heard the screams, the following days the caretakers would complain about an awful smell coming from the backdoors, company decided to shut down facility until new advice, the relocate project was unsuccessful. ashley is still there, but she is not screaming anymore, she saw something she wasnt supposed to see and now shes beautiful” the phrase “shes beautiful” was repeating like a bajillion times in that wall of text. then, god motherfuckng bless: 

at 17:23 i found the other half of the youtube link, “.be/k07QqEDOfQ” i pieced that bad boy together as instant as i think any form of ramen could never be, but remained ever patient. because i made sure to jot down this before moving onto my next segment;

@ end of vid 2, “shadow man sees* me when lights go off” im an idiot *it was actually “feeds” not “sees”, which AGAIN, i only found out after watching the stupid little film theory video *begins snarling and foaming at the mouth*

okay im not proud to admit im editing this to post it and realized ive lost my notes. well. 

might as well post what ive got! if i find my shit ill add onto this, i suppose.

[loki-the-trikster-god]

hellow it’s clyde! *waves*

ahhhhhh if you were to post your performance that would be so amazing (only if ur comfortable tho). gasp yes i wonder what a caliban costume would look like...

i’m so excited for you amigo :)))

yeah i get your reasoning. i think i’m one of the people that sometimes forget authors exist because acknowledging them would mean the worlds aren’t real... and that is just sad.

haha you seem like the kind of person to act like a slytherin but is actually a gryffindor inside

i think i’m a ravenclaw... but pottermore says i’m a gryffindor? idk maybe i’ll just go with divergent at this point

gAsP awesome you dye your hair friend it’ll be so amazinggggg. asdfhjk i bet u look so pretty in a pink suit :)

ahhhh fair reasoning. oh no the dreaded locker room... i hope people don’t be mean to you when you eventually have to use the locker room. asdfhjk i want to threaten everyone that could potentially be hostile towards you but as i’m about a kajillion kilometres north of where you are i can’t do much

yeahhhhhh maps are interesting when you don’t have to make them i guess. but i’m done the project (four freaking days later) now so yay!

oh um that is unfortunate i apologize i hope you will be able to get your illness cured sometime in the near future bc food is good

haha meat is indeed delicious. when my parents split i was able to try like actual bacon for the first time and omg it’s so goodddddd. i relate friend

now for the question... hm... you mentioned your writing... do you write like fanfiction, or poetry or stories or i can’t think of anything else but i’m sure there’s more stuff...?

honestly this is so fun :) i enjoy being ur friend cecil

also i was literally scrolling through tumblr for like 10 minutes wondering if u saw my ask (bc that’s what i do i’m annoying sry) then i realized i hadn’t even sent it yet and i’m like wow okay brain cells how many of your limited number are even awake in there?

That’s so relatable thinking is so hard I have two brain cells and they can never rub together lmaooooo also you aren’t annoying I was in my inbox most of the afternoon like ,,,asks?? So yeah lol

Well heck I may have to!! I’ll definitely post a pic of my finished costume. Today I tried it on so they could fit it before they distressed it (like theyre gonna tear it up and throw mud all over it) and I’m super excited! I have my arm brace to practice with too, in order to make the twisted posture easier on myself.

See when I enjoy a fandom i definitely separate my version from the original pretty distinctly, whether or not I like canon, so if I stop liking canon, I still have the idea in my head, you know? I’m a maladaptive daydreamer so some of this is clinical, but that’s a different story. Anyways, you let them Harry Potter characters live on in your heart no matter what J K R*wling is like.

You strike me as someone with ravenclaw energy but I think gryffindoors are supposed to be more friendly, generally. I resent not being slytherin because I want people to respect me and they never do :/ they’re always just like what a loser but gryffindoor is cool and hey if we both are 😌🤝😌

Sngialcospxls thank you I have previously been told I am generally found attractive,,,,,, who knows

Aww you threaten transphobes with your vibes bro!!! (Is bro an ok term of endearment for u?) and I’m done with pe after this year so that won’t be a problem!! I’m worried about my binder cause I can’t wear it a full school day but I’ll fuck my ribs up when it comes to it (/j I won’t do that)

Also I relate cause every time someone tells me to do something that isn’t for theater I immediately hate it no matter if I liked it before lmaoooooo

My illness isn’t that bad I hope I didn’t make it weird lol it just hurts sometimes but like I’m used to it and anyways I will. And I still enjoy food, even just out of stubbornness sometimes lmao. Also bacon is just 👀👀👀👀👀 who invented it and can I make out with them.

You have such educated and kind questions I feel so like. Listened to it’s wonderful. And I love being your friend too!!

I write a lot of stuff. I can mimic most styles if I put my mind to it but most commonly for fun I write short stories (basically fanfiction but somet I have been told that I write good dialogue and long descriptions. I also “work” for the national High School Critic Association (CAPPIES) which is my most pretentious title lmaoo. I’m pretty good at it though, I’ve been published the last three plays and I’ve got another this weekend. I can also write a killer argument essay, but those aren’t very fun, so-

Can u tell I’m vain about my writing? It’s not even my main passion but people praised me too much and now I’m disastrously stuck up lol

You’re so much fun, Clyde!! I feel like I have a pen pal, except with instant gratification :))

[rasoir-national]

 @ghostplantss​ it looks so gorgeous!!! it's so clean and even looking! oh wow how did you do it it looks like it were new!  how is magnus archives i'm curious!! aa i hope your hands are ok?? be careful w your wrists? good night!!

Why thank you ! And don’t worry, my wrist is fine, I practiced tennis for 10 years so it’s seen other challenges.

Like I said, I have no previous experience with restoring wood, but I was advised by a very nice lady at the shop. I could have used a stripping product but I’m quite wary of chemicals, plus my bathroom is very small and not well ventilated so I decided to do it by hand instead.

I used sheets of sandpaper with grain of different sizes to get to that result. First, to scrap off the old varnish, I used grain 120 sandpaper. I could have used even rougher paper with size 80 grain, it would have been faster, but the wood of this furniture is quite soft so I was afraid to scrape it. To avoid leaving visible stripes, the key is to sand in the direction of the wood.

(Picture I took midway through, on the ground you can see parts of the kajillion pieces of varnish I scraped off)

It took me about 3 hours to get most the varnish off. Then, with grain 180 sandpaper, I got the remaining bits out, plus scraped off marks of humidity and use from the wood. Then, to finish off, I used grain 240 sandpaper to even out the wood. This took me about 2 additional hours since, as you can see, parts of the wood is difficult to access because of the sink.

Now I’m about to clean and degrease the wood using acetone to prepare for the varnish.

The whole process was honestly not as hard or tedious as I’d feared, I was terrified to leave marks on the wood with the paper but after a bit of practice you learn how much pressure you need to apply. It mostly just takes time, so with a good podcast in your ears it goes out in a hearbeat.

Speaking of the Magnus Archives, I’ve just begun listening (I’m on episode 10, I think) so I’m not the best person to sell it to you but yeah, it’s quite enticing. The first episode that really clicked for me is the one about world war 1, and I suspect the stories are only going to increase in quality. As a huge horror fan, yeah, the stories are entertaining, and while for the moment it doesn’t speak to me the way Welcome to Night Vale did, I’m curious to see where it goes.

[themutantunderground]

Let Your Heart Be Light Ch. 6

John is home on leave from the Marines and Clarice is home on winter break from grad school. While they used to date in high school, Clarice and John haven't been together in a long time... But it's Christmas time, and it seems like everything and everyone in their small, holiday-obsessed hometown is trying to get them back together. Modern Thunderblink AU!

AO3 | FF.net

"Stay still for five seconds, Riles."

Clarice glanced over at John, who was trying to wrangle a wriggly Riley into her winter gear. The kid was so tired she was actually in an energetic mood, so she was making things difficult by moving around and talking to anyone who walked by and trying to practice her Tiny Tim hobble. Clarice had to bite down on a smile as John tried to put Riley's hat on her and missed as she swooped under his arm and toward James, who was standing nearby.

"She's being so silly," Norah said. Unlike Riley, she was sitting on the edge of the stage, coat on and ready to go.

"No kidding," Clarice said, raising an eyebrow as James swiped up Riley and literally tossed her to John. Clarice sucked in a breath but quickly remembered this was just how they were and Riley liked being thrown around like that. She shouldn't be worried, it wasn't as if either of them would ever drop Riley. Still, her eyes followed the seven-year-old as John tossed her into the air twice, making her shriek with giggles.

He caught her and set her on the ground, rapidly plunking her hat down on her head and then holding her in place with his hands on her shoulders. "Calm down, kiddo."

"I can't help it, I gotta run," Riley said, trying to pull away but John had a firm hold on her. She sighed and slumped back against his legs, looking over at Clarice. "Claaarice, make him let go."

Clarice shook her head. "No can do." Not anymore, at least. She had a feeling that Riley sometimes forgot that Clarice and John weren't actually dating anymore. They weren't enemies or anything, they just weren't…things weren't the same. But they had dated some in high school and a year after that, and Riley probably just thought of them that way.

"Are we still going to drive by the lights?" Riley asked, craning her head back to look up at John. "You said maybe we could."

"I said if it wasn't too late, and it's already nine."

"It's like four hours past your bed time," James said, his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. Ali had already left with one of her other friends, so now he had time to spend with the rest of them. Fancy that.

Riley made a face. "Is not, I don't go to bed that early."

"Aunt Evelyn changed your bedtime," James said, "You go to bed at sunset now."

"Do not!"

"She told me, it's the truth. When the sun goes down, you go to bed, so it's way past your bedtime."

Riley made a wild attempt to push James, but she couldn't get away from John. "She did not tell you that!"

"Did so."

"Not!"

"So."

John sighed. "James…"

"Oh my gosh, you're both acting like preschoolers," Clarice said, rolling her eyes at James, who looked very pleased at aggravating Riley. "I think we could go past the lights on the way home, if that's okay with the driver?" She looked over at John and raised an eyebrow.

He nodded. "I think we could do that if someone would chill out just a little bit." He gently squeezed Riley's shoulders and she made a whiny noise. "Agreed?"

"Yeaaaah," Riley said, raising her shoulders and nodding.

John squeezed her shoulders again and then let her go so she could dash over to Norah. The two of them headed off down the theater aisle toward the back doors, James following after them so they wouldn't get into too much trouble. Clarice stuck her hands in her pockets and looked over at Kurt.

"Hey, we're heading out," she said, interrupting his conversation with one of the other actors, "You've got our numbers, right?"

"I think so, unless you changed them," Kurt said with a grin. "Which wouldn't do without telling me, of course?"

"Of course not," Clarice said, rolling her eyes. The fact that she had somehow kept the same phone number all these years was a bit of a miracle.

"You guys have a good night," Kurt said, giving a little wave, "Don't get into too much trouble."

"Because there's so much trouble to get into in Westchester," Clarice said, "We'll just go climb the water tower or something."

A half-smile darted across John's face as they walked up the aisle side by side, their elbows carefully not brushing. "You still remember that?"

Clarice smirked. "I moved away, I didn't have my memory wiped," she said, hoping it came across more as teasing than snarky. But judging by the quick flash of uncertainty that crossed John's face, it hadn't entirely worked. She quickly backtracked. "It's still one of my favorite memories."

John's eyebrow shot up. "We got arrested."

"But it was worth it."

That got a reluctant laugh out of him. "I had community service for two months!"

"You worked at the wildlife center, it wasn't like you hated it," she said, "Remember that hawk that tried to adopt you?"

"Terrence? Yeah, I think he still lives in the woods around here."

Clarice started pulling on her gloves, getting ready for the explosion of winter outside. There were at least a many old memories they had together, gathered from years spent as friends and then something more. She still remembered way back when she first met him, that shaggy-haired ten-year-old boy who didn't have a bike and always frowned. He had been sitting on his aunt's front porch, having gotten sent outside after breaking a lamp inside. Clarice and Marcos had ridden up on their bikes and Marcos had offered to steal his brother's bike for John and the rest was history.

"Hold on." John reached past her as they stepped up to the door, his fingers resting on the worn wood, keeping it closed. He looked down at her, his brown eyes full of sincerity, his gaze searching hers. "Are you really okay with this?"

"With the lights? Yeah, it's not a problem." She pulled her toboggan on her head and shrugged. "I wanted to see them anyways."

"That's not…no, I meant the play. The parts we have." He shifted, looking uncomfortable, and he sucked a breath in through his teeth. "The whole married thing."

A shiver went down Clarice's spine because once upon a time, this wouldn't have been a big deal. Actually, once upon a time, she would've assumed she would have been married to John Proudstar by this point. But that was her eighteen-year-old self, who hadn't known anything about the world except a tiny town and a little community. And she had been the one to break things off, thinking the distance would be too much, that it was too much when they were both young…

"It's just a play," she said, trying to be nonchalant, "It's not a big deal, right? And we're doing it for the kids."

"Right." John smiled, but she knew it was forced. Had she said something wrong? Had she…was that the wrong thing to say? Sometimes it was so easy to be around him, like no time had passed, and other times the tension was thick and awkward between them.

"Are you okay with it?" she asked.

"Yeah, no, it's fine. Except I'm going to completely ruin it," he said, making a face, "I'm not exactly an actor."

"I think you'll manage." Clarice reached up and grabbed his hood, flipping it up over his head. "Don't want your ears to get cold."

"Thanks," he said, his eyes lingering on hers. After a long moment, he shifted his hand and opened the door for her. She slipped out past him and was instantly grabbed by Riley and Norah. Riley bounced on the balls of her feet while Norah simply tugged Clarice down the path toward the truck.

"We have to go down Carter Street," Norah said, "It's sort of on the way, and they have the best lights this year."

"That's just 'cause our street isn't finished decorating yet," Riley said, "We'll beat 'em."

Clarice shook her head. "I wonder how much money this town shells out in electricity bills this time of year."

"Bazillions of dollars," Riley said in a serious tone, "Like kajillions."

"Wow, that's so much money," Clarice said with a grin.

Behind them, James must have said something that John disagreed with because John grabbed his younger brother and put him in a quick headlock. James was laughing, so it wasn't like it was serious fight. Besides, wrestling was sort of just a thing between them. Clarice had seen Riley try to join in before, and it was cute seeing two powerhouses being super careful yet still trying to make it seem like she was wrestling, too.

James fought back, but John had a good grip on him, and he couldn't get free. They scuffled a little while longer until John dropped James into a bush and caught up with the rest of them.

"So Carter Street," John said as if he hadn't missed a beat, "We could do that."

"And that road with the sleigh? The big one?" Riley grinned, mischief in her brown eyes.

John shook his head. "Just Carter Street." When Riley started to pout, he arched an eyebrow. "You do actually have a bedtime, remember."

She crossed her arms with a huff and marched ahead of the others. "Fine…"

Carter Street wound up being even more over the top than Clarice remembered. She pressed a hand to the window, an incredulous laugh escaping her, as they drove past a yard with an entire Santa Claus vs. Krampus scene out front. "That's just…so extra."

"Right?" James said, rolling his eyes, "Paul is actually proud of it. It's his dad's house, he's the football coach."

"Do the elves have a papier-mâché cannon?" Clarice asked.

"I think it's plastic," John said.

"It's wooden," James said.

Clarice sat back in her seat as they rolled slowly down the street, the girls in the backseat chattering away across James. Some things in Westchester never changed, like the Christmas light displays and knowing that practically everyone in the town knew each other. She looked over at John, who was grinning, the colorful lights casting a glow across his face. Their hands were both on the console but they were carefully not touching. Her favorite stations weren't saved on the radio. She wasn't wearing his jacket and he wasn't wearing her scarf.

Some things stayed the same. Others changed.

[iamapoopmuffin]

I got tagged in a thing by @suitcasesoffeathers so here have a thing!

Are you named after someone Nah. And thank goodness because I hate naming after people. It was just my mum’s favourite name for a guy that didn’t have a freaky spelling. Her all time favourite was one of those Irish names that nobody can spell or pronounce.

When was the last time you cried Last Friday. I got super frustrated and I had a slight breakdown over overall stress and what may have been an anxiety attack and I always cry during anxiety attacks and I had to keep doing the same thing over and over and all my belongings kept breaking and I messed up an audition more than I’d ever messed up before and it was just a terrible day in general. Incidentally, I just got home and my right eye is running like mad so it looks like I’m crying on one side.

Do you like your handwritting My handwriting is illegible.

What is your favorite lunch meat Idk. I don’t normally have meat sandwiches or anything. I either just pack a snack (if I have to go out for work) because my appetite is so low in the mornings that entering the kitchen can turn my stomach, or I have breadsticks and dip. My fiancee did not buy breadsticks when she went shopping this week. I gave her a list, dang it.

Do you have kids No, not yet. Still not sure if I want them or not.

If you were another person, would you be friends with you Sure! I’m great! A total dork and really annoying but great!

Do you use sarcasm I’m sure I do, but I use it sparingly. I’m not a sarcastic guy. That’s what Phillip is for.

Do you still have your tonsils I do believe so, yes.

Would you bungee jump I always wanted to when I was little but then I developed anxiety and now I’m not sure if I could without having a panic attack. Meanwhile my best friend has been sky diving, which I wouldn’t do in a million kajillion years...

What is your favorite kind of cereal Chocolate cereals of all kinds (because they flavour the milk so I don’t waste said milk) or Golden Nuggets because yes. Mmm, mid-afternoon cereal.

Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off Nah. I accidentally bought boot laces when I relaced them (which had to happen because the laces they came with were weird and elasticated and thus didn’t tie right) and so they’re super long and I don’t have the patience to septuple knot my laces after every dance practice. I have to take them off and put them on again several times a day, y’know. Or I just wear my Heavenly Host Theatre shoes, which are slip-ons.

Do you think you’re a strong person Physically, yes. Mentally/emotionally, maybe. Lots of people say I am, but...eh...

What is your favorite ice cream flavor Peanut Butter Cup. It’s the Ben and Jerry’s one with Reese’s in it!

What is the first thing you notice about people Dunno. Whatever happens to stick out, it varies from person to person. For instance, my friend Phillip, when I sat next to him the day I met him, I noticed he only had one whole ear. The other had a large chunk from the top lopped off. Sakutaro, I noticed he was hella tan and hella strong and had a lip piercing. Sherwin, I noticed he was short and feminine looking.

Red or pink Probably red.

What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself Uuuummm...oily skin and hair and how prone I am to certain illnesses and conditions? As a dancer, I am eternally frustrated that I’m not as flexible as my friend, even though he teaches ballet so he should be hella flexible. Also how much taller than my fiancee I am.

What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now Uhhh...black with white stripes, mismatched socks, one is blue and white stripes, the other is a sort of grey-green with a picture of Jiraiya on it and some writing in yellow and white. I own two pairs of shoes, neither of which I am wearing right now, but there’s a silver pair and a brown pair. The brown pair is for work only.

What was the last thing you ate Crisps. It was one of those ‘grab a snack for lunch’ days so that’s literally all I’ve had today. They were salt and vinegar flavour.

What are you listening to right now Every Day Is A Winding Road

If you were a crayon, what color would you be Uhhh...black. It’s my hair colour. Or grey. Or maybe Orange because I own a lot of orange tops and jumpers.

Favorite smell Uhh...currently I suppose that sparkly coconut body butter in the bathroom. Body shop stuff is nice. I’mma get Myra loads of it and then use it all myself.

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone Uh...my dad, I think.

Favorite sport to watch Uh...I only watch sports via sports anime. My current favourite of those is Kuroko no Basuke, so I suppose the answer is technically basketball...followed very closely by figure skating. Generally speaking, I hate sports.

Hair color Black

Eye color Grey

Do you wear contacts I got me some 20/20 vision.

Favorite food to eat I liiiiiike...steak. And kit kats. My friend had a whole pack yesterday and every time he got one out he kept insisting it was his last one.

Scary movies or comedy I don’t really like either. I’m an action kind a guy. I did however like the Scary Movie series.

Last movie you watched Uhhhh...I don’t remember. There was an absolute unholy mass of films on over Christmas and some more on during January and I can’t remember what I watched when...I watched The Incredibles on my laptop recently (because my fiancee wouldn’t let me watch it on TV) but I’ve also watched something on ITV since...

What color shirt are you wearing Dark red. I had to pull down the neckline of my jumper to check. All my jumpers are orange.

Summer or winter Winter. Winter means warm hugs and cozyness and before we got a new microwave it meant I could cuddle up with one of those scented heatable teddies but apparently I can’t put it in this microwave because reasons. Summer I get sweaty and heatstrokey and dancing is horrible and gross. Also this winter it actually snowed for the first time since I was, like, 15.

Hugs or kisses Uhhh...I like both. A lot. I hug more than I kiss though because I hug everyone. I’m so over affectionate.

What book are you currently reading Uhh...I’m not really reading any books right now. I used to read constantly...I did start rereading the Skulduggery Pleasant series and trailed off on Last Stand, and I’m also working on (but have read through) a script for a play called Decades. I also started but never finished a Red Dwarf book.

Who do you miss right now No-one especially...I suppose I was talking about an old school friend recently (because we were playing Corpse Party again (hence the slight influx of CP related posts) and we got to Tooth and got talking about a guy we knew called Cai and a guy we currently know also called Cai and a kid I used to babysit called Kai who had a neat afro) and damn now I miss the kid I used to babysit...and now I miss all the children I’ve ever babysat. Thanks, meme.

What is on your mousepad My finger, mostly. And a small speck of white dirt that has been there since time immemorial.

What is the last TV program you watched Monty Python’s Best Bits

What is the best sound Silence Motorhead

Rolling Stones or the Beatles I suppose I’d have to go Beatles because, though I’m sure I’ve listened to more than one, the only Stones song I could name (and that I have on my MP3 player) is Paint It Black.

What is the furthest you ever traveled Uh...well, I’ve been to Canada...which is probably the furthest I’ve been. Jasper, specifically.

Do you have a special talent I’m a dancer and an actor. Not amazing, but on a level that I can do stage and teaching work. I can sort of sing, but I go a bit flat sometimes, especially on higher notes. I like writing and have been told I’m good at characterisation.

Where were you born On the maternity ward of a hospital in England.

People you expect to participate in this survey I dunno...nobody, really. I’m not going to tag anyone because I’m still essentially a stranger to almost everyone, and tagging people would probably send my anxiety skyrocketing! But hey, porn blogs, if you’re swarming this one the way you did my last personal memes, I demand you do them too.

[elde-goss]

Ok I’m typing this here because I don’t know who is gonna read it but maybe someone will and I don’t really care whether or not they react to this but I guess the idea of someone listening, either a stranger or someone I know, is something I need I guess? I don’t want to bring it up to one specific person because I feel like recently my life has just been a series of me being upset and venting to people and you reach a point where you’re not sure if they start thinking “wow is this the only reason you ever come talk to me”. Ok so right now I’m crying in my bed hoping my mom doesn’t walk in, because if she does she’ll definitely pry as to what’s on my mind, which is good I guess, like at least it shows she cares and people know not all moms are like that so at least I have that going for me! (Albeit she has her flaws but at least she cares). So why am I typing here again? No it’s not because I don’t think my friends don’t want to listen, I”m sure they do, in fact I’ve been prompted by them to, but I think it’s for my own selfish reason that I guess I”m worried or scared or paranoid or maybe I”m even doubting them and maybe it all comes back down to my self esteem? (EDIT: If you’re a friend of mine reading this, I”m actually so sorry, like it’s not that I’m doubting you or anything, it’s literally just I feel awful bringing up the same stories over and over again) Btw I’m literally typing these thoughts as they pop into my head, I don’t even know if I’m going to post this by the time I’m done writing and crying my eyes out. I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated because I think there’s too much change happening in my life right now. I just finished university and as much as I complain about how much I hate my school, at least I had a routine and a place I could call home that I could return to, but now there’s so much unknown. The last time I moved was when I was 4 years old, and most of my friends moved through the same schools as me, so maybe I never really learned to cope with change. Since I was small I was easily homesick, maybe not for sleepovers, but going to events, far away from home for more than 2 nights would make me sob and feel sick inside. The same thing happened when I moved to university, I think that’s more common but it’s just another scenario in which this happened. I’m gonna move to New York City for work, which is amazing, like a dream come true, but I”m going alone and I have to fend for myself. Arguably, people r still gonna be online for me, and my home is like a 2 hour flight back (less) if I really needed to go home, but I guess I’m still scared, especially because I don’t know too many people in NYC. That’s just a small part of why I’ve been feeling like absolute shit for the past 2 weeks. The big bad evil is that, well... It’s a bit hard to describe and yet you can probably describe it in like 2 words. Having feelings for someone is the cringy-est thing ever, like I’m going to look back at what I’m doing and how I’m feeling in 2 years and be like ew bleh why the fuck were you like that (I say this because I have had a similar experience like 5 years ago yikes!!!!!) But I guess that’s what these kind of things do to you... You hear the stupid cheesy things in songs and poems and ur like lol cringe but then it starts happening. Like “When the song lyrics finally start to make sense” that whole quote, oh my god I hate it and it’s cringey as fuck, but I FEEL it, like I can RELATE, am I an angsty teenager?? jeeeez, maybe this is like why I can’t talk to people about it lol... but it’s true, listening to music, and actually focusing on the lyrics, I get it, I get that feeling of loneliness, that feeling of excitement, that feeling of anxiety, that feeling of wanting something, and it’s absolutely revolting but I get it (I’m listening to Dark Blue by Jack’s Mannequin as I’m typing this btw you should listen to the song if you have never heard it!) Ok so, you have feelings for someone?? Yea I said that like a kajillion sentences ago but again I’m typing this as thoughts pop up so I’m gonna go on tangents. Yea, and like this is probably the main source of my turmoil, but like I don’t think it’s all. I had a bad experience with someone in High School in the sense that I was an awful person when it came to something similar like this. I was, to put it simply, a pretty toxic person. I did things, now thinking back that I would not say were acceptable no matter what. If I was the person I was crushing on, I would have blocked and removed all contact lol. BUT, I was lucky enough that person saw past that and we’re still the closest of friends, and for that I thank the world and truly feel fortunate. But these similar feelings have returned, I’m at least acknowledging these feelings and am trying to do something about it before I actually do something bad or say something bad, and truth be told, I think everything I’ve done so far has been good, like I’ve avoided making those past mistakes. But avoiding those mistakes and letting this consume is painful. It’s absolutely painful and it’s horrible because that’s all my mind can think about. It’s worse cuz in quarantine, there’s really not much to do so my mind can easily wander off to that direction. And I”m trying to distract myself, I haven’t picked up a book in years and now I”m reading. I’m cleaning my room to forget about things. But it’s still the same shit, I pick up my phone, check if I got a message from this person and then put the phone down. Why am I so obsessed with responding asap? They can wait. I’ve waited for them. But no, my mind tells me otherwise, I have to be asap otherwise they’ll just find someone else better than you. And honestly? Maybe that would be better, to be forgotten, to be left. At least then I could accept it and be done with it after crying to literally everyone about it. But hey, at least I would be on the path of healing, the path of recovery. Instead I’m in the middle of the ocean, treading water, unsure of which direction I”m supposed to go because I’m a dumb BITCH. Sorry that was my attempt at being poetic which is also something I cannot stand when I’m like this, like shut the fuck up @ me... jesus... any way so what’s the story? The story is that I started talking to someone about half a year ago because I was alone in san francisco on an internship and honestly i was just casually talking to people online, not even like in a romantic sense, but just like making friends. Then I came across this person. THey had a pretty public profile, and they were really attractive, so I followed them, not expecting anything because like they were pretty freaking popular. But one day, maybe a week after I followed them, they sent a message to me out of the blue commenting on something we had similar taste in. And obviously I responded because in my head I”m like “wow attractive person talking to ME??? ok”. So we talked, maybe once a week, maybe once every 2 weeks... It wasn’t often, and I literally felt nothing about it, they were just someone I talked to on occasion who lived a very different lifestyle than I did, but that was ok because maybe it was refreshing? Btw they’re from like a different continent lol (as you can see that’s one of the problems with this story ahahahah). And honestly? That was the case for a long time... Then quarantine happened. I think places in Europe shut down first so they probably didn’t have lots to do so they started messaging me more often, we’d talk about random things and it was fun, but still I just thought this was someone, who was attractive, who occasionally messaged me. And like I say they’re attractive over and over again because that’s exactly what I thought, but I truly do not believe I felt anything at that point. But then, quarantine started happening here too, and I guess I had more time to think, to let my mind wander. It was about 2 weeks ago, I then realized, oh shit, I think, I might like this person more than I had originally thought. And like it was true, it started off as a small spark, but then the whole forest caught on fire. It consumed me. I started judging their actions, why didn’t they comment on my post but comment on other people’s? Why didn’t they send me a message yet? What are they doing right now? Are they ever thinking about me? WHat do they think about me? What even are we. I’m skipping some details about some of the stuff we shared but you can probably tell by this sentence that we weren’t really just “friends”. But This person I felt like had different ideas of what they were looking for. At some point, it felt like they were talking to me out of convenience. It was the idea of me that was nice, not me. As long as they had someone else to talk to or whatever, I wasn’t really necessary. Ok see what I mean by these toxic thoughts? This is exactly what I’m talking about, like bitch, who are you to assume what they’re doing. You don’t know, you can’t know. And even if it was true, you’ve never met in person, you can’t actually be there for them if needed. You’re just someone online. You’re basically anonymous. Whatcan you do? And... These are true. What can I do? I’m not their best friend I”ve known for 10 years. I’m not even there to give them a hug when they need it. They recently started opening up to me about their personal issues, I learned some things that scared me, and somethings that made me want to cry for them. And it really hit me. I really am powerless. I can never be there for them like other people can at a closer proximity. I don’t know what I have going for me. I’m not attractive like some of the people that talk to them. I don’t have history with them. I don’t even think they pay too much attention to me to be completely honest. Admittedly, they talk to me first a lot. Like initiate conversation. But it’s usually for, what I would consider selfish reasons (there are reasons why I say that but I can really talk about it here lol). And whenever I talk to them, it’s very minimal response. Do people all feel the same way  Ido when they like someone? Is it always, I want to talk to you? I wonder... if that’s the case then this person definitely isn’t interested. But is that even a problem? If it’s impossible for anything to happen, it’s better that only one of us is hurt while the other continues on with life, oblivious to the feeling. I realized somethings that I was doing even though I was hurting, I kept my mouth shut, were things that I did to protect them in a way. Maybe not protect them, but I didn’t want them to feel more pain than they already did. This person, I could literally block them on social media and there would be no way they could find me, that would be it. It’s that easy, I can just pull the trigger and we could be done forever and I could move on. But I just can’t. And like those cringey songs, or poems or quotes or whatever the fuck. I realized I’m doing things or avoiding things and letting myself suffer because I think I truly do care for this person. Ew ugh bleh gross disgusting, please if you read this long ass story don’t talk to me about these dumb things I just said because I hate this, it’s just I wanted to write it out because I wanted this ... vent? to be completley genuine and me not holding back at all of how I feel. Any way, I’m going to stop here. I’m supposed to call someone ... 9 minutes ago but I did tell them I’d be like 15 minutes late so I’m good. I hope if you made it to this point of the story, you don’t think any less of me and I hope you found the read interesting... I do feel better I think. Recently I thought I was getting over this person but then the feelings got back. But right now, I feel the feeling of “getting over” even though it’s only slightly, I feel a bit more at ease... Any way I hope this all falls into place soon because I’m exhausted.

[erspoots]

LOOK WHAT I FOUND AND FINISHED. 

GUESS WHO STILL HATES DOING BACKGROUNDS????

IT ME.