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talesofstyles · 4 years ago

Text

Drs Styles

paediatric heart surgeon harry, husband harry and dad harry. honestly the holy trinity.

warning: they did it in the car. bloody animals.

Harry

“Move your car, please!”

“What are you going to do? Write me a ticket?”

“This is in the interests of safety for the children!”

I look at the time in the car. I’ve still got about twenty to twenty-five minutes to watch this drama unfold at the school gate. I just wish we had popcorn because drop-off and parking situations at the school gates are always more entertaining than Good Morning Britain.

The school gate is a strange social scene, and honestly, I don’t blame my wife for trying to avoid it like a plague. Sometimes, you don’t even have to talk to these people to know everything about their lives and more. I swear there are more gossips in the class WhatsApp group and daily playground chattering than in the copies of The Sun and Daily Mail combined. You know who’s married, who’s getting a divorce, whose husband shagged the au pair again, whose party you haven’t been invited to, even who’s looking for a builder.

I see the school caretaker chuckling to himself as he sweeps the autumn leaves off the pathway, no doubt also enjoying our morning entertainment.

“Why is Mrs Chambers screaming like that?” Alma, our eldest daughter, asks from the back of the car.

“Because that man parks his car in a drop-off zone,” I reply, still watching him as he removes a child from his car seat. “Do you know who that is?”

“I think the boy is your classmate,” Alma turns to her sister.

Fiona, our youngest, peers over to inspect. “Oh yeah, that’s Rufus and his dad.”

“Do we like Rufus?”

“Not unless we like boys who pee down the slides,” Fiona scrunches her nose up. “He stood at the top and peed down like a waterfall. I haven’t gone down the slide ever since.”

I shake my head and let out a chuckle. “M’sure they’ve cleaned it up since, button.”

Did you know that choosing a school for your child after nursery can be a head-throbbing, stomach-twisting, heart-pounding experience? Well, it can. How is one supposed to choose a school anyway? According to the proximity? Leavers Results? Adorable uniforms? Parents’ agendas?

After many, many discussions and visits through more schools than I can count, we ended up with Thomas’s Kensington. It’s a great school, and only ten minutes away from our home, making school runs easier. The downside of this school is the fact that it costs us an arm and a leg and that they’re always trying to rip us off any chance they get. Also, they only take the kids until 11, so after that, we’ll have to look for other schools again. But since our girls are only seven and five, we can worry about that later.

There’s a strange mix of parents at this place. I went to school up in the North and the school gate scene is nothing like this. Here there are more au pairs, fancy cars, nicer clothes and people coming with impressive tans from their last weekend break in Antibes. The kids here are suited up too: the PE kit is the size of a small weekender bag, and we put them in uniforms that make them look smart, hoping that will increase the size of their brains. A child walks past our car with a cello case, another with a hockey stick. It’s a different land here. One that my socialist in-laws constantly tease us about and one which my mum was hysterical about because she was scared her grandbabies would be little Tories. I promised her I’d keep them grounded by only giving them plain hobnobs. None of those luxury chocolate covered ones.

Jokes aside, my girls are happy here. They’re thriving. They learn French and Spanish and Mandarin, even if they share a class with kids who have ridiculous names like Kitty and Archibald.

A knock at my window calls me to attention. I wind it down.

“Are you Fiona’s dad?” A mum asks me.

“I am.”

“It’s about Ophelia’s riding party this Saturday at the riding stables.”

Like I said, it’s a different land here.

“I thought we RSVPed to that?” I look at her in confusion.

“Yes, you did, but we have to change the food options as one of the partygoers is allergic to nuts. I’m making everyone aware and we need to let the guests know that they can’t bring any nuts on the day.”

A dirty joke is right there on the tip of my tongue and I’m trying my hardest to keep it in. My wife would definitely find it funny though, I’ve got to remember this and tell her later.

“Noted,” I mean, I wasn’t going to send my daughter to a party with a packet of cashews anyway but I nod politely.

“And just gift vouchers for gifts please. Smiggle, if you can.”

Again, I nod, biting my tongue at the presumptuousness. But then I suddenly panic, because we haven’t entered the realms of pony riding just yet. Do I have to buy jods and boots? If I don’t, will my daughter be the odd one out? But Ophelia’s mum saunters off before I’ve got the chance to ask.

“Do I have to go to that party, daddy?” Fiona asks.

“Well, we’ve already replied, poppet,” I tell her. “Did you not want to go?”

“I’ll go if I have to.”

I don’t answer because I get distracted by a vacant space. I edge the car forward so my girls can hop off.

“I love you both. Have a good day, make good choices.”

“Bye daddy! We’ll see you after work!”

***

Evelina London Children’s Hospital is our second home. Of course, as a children’s hospital, we try to make the place as fun as possible as not to freak those little patients out at being ill. It is bright and primary coloured, and each ward is decorated according to its own theme with different colours and lovely artworks. There are televisions and toys almost in every corner. We have a giant slide on the ground floor, and even the bins are shaped like red London buses. The aim was to help the children to forget that they’re in a hospital and take their minds off their sickness.

Since my wife and I are in the same department, our offices are next to each other, both overlooking the Thames. It’s nice up here. Would’ve been nicer if we could sneak in a quickie, but that’s practically impossible with our shared secretary’s desk sitting literally in front of our doors.

Speak of the devil.

“Good morning. Here’s your tea,” my secretary follows me into my office with a cup of tea and a tiny plate with a couple of rich tea fingers. “Clinic until 3 pm, scheduled PDA ligation in the laboratory for 4 pm and then evening rounds on the wards.”

“Mornin’ Rhonda, you look lovely today,” I greet her cheerily. She’s a stern-looking woman who definitely likes her tea as strong as tits and who has probably never cried in her life. With such severity, she runs a tight ship, but she secretly has this affectionate side in her too. Not only is she a great secretary, but she also takes care of us in a way as a grandma does. She makes us tea, feeds us in between surgeries with biscuits or nice baby cheeses and crackers just so we wouldn’t starve.

See that sofa over there in the corner of my office? Rhonda got me that. It was around the time when I had just become a new father with the sweetest, most gorgeous little baby who did not sleep. Alma wasn’t a fussy baby though. For some reason, she just wouldn’t go back to sleep after her midnight feed for months. Believe me, I tried everything. I changed her nappy, I swayed and jiggled and rocked and sung her to sleep. Odd nonsensical songs like, ‘Alma darling go to sleeep. Sleepy sleep sleep. Pleeeeease. I’m so tirrrred. My eyeballs may actually exploooode. I don’t want you to see thaaat.’ And she would just look at me all wide-eyed like I’d lost the plot. Those were song lyrics? That was rubbish. Please don’t give up your day job. Also, it’s not sleeping time. I’m awake. I’m ready for life. Come on, entertain me, old man. Isn’t this nice, just you and me? Tell me everything you know. EVERYTHING.

Except of course she didn’t say all that. She would just stare at me and I had no idea what was going on in her little head.

I took over my wife’s patients at the hospital during her maternity leave, so I had longer hours at the hospital. One day Rhonda found me napping on the floor between surgeries, so she sweet-talked some porters into looking for any old sofas on the go and paid to have this one reupholstered. She even bought me a fleece throw for it too. We really don’t deserve her.

“You hittin’ on me?” She deadpans. “Yer wife not doing it for you these days?”

“It’s the blazer. I’m a sucker for a blazer.”

“If I’d known, I would’ve worn it more often,” she replies. “Did my nice dress yesterday not give you the fanny flutters?”

“It’s schlong shiver for me,” I roar with laughter. “And it’s the tartan, makes you look well old.”

“YN, yer husband’s a bloody git, did I ever tell you that?” Rhonda says loud enough for my wife to hear, and I can hear my wife’s laughter from her office next door. “Drink your tea. Your first clinic appointment is in twenty.”

“Yes ma’am,” I salute her.

***

The Arctic ward in the Evelina is home to many of our imaging, heart and kidney services. The name is probably giving it away, but everything is decorated in blue and white to go with the theme. We have several zones, and since paediatric cardiology clinics are held in the Walrus zone, I spend a great deal of time each day looking at walrus and snowflake decals.

“Doctor Styles!” I hear a little voice shouts in excitement as I walk towards the waiting room in the outpatient ward. I smile, because I recognise that voice even before I see the little person.

The waiting room is very open here compared to other hospitals. There’s a sea of noise, snacks, tiny juice boxes and colouring pages. There’s also always a look of expectation, judgement on the faces of parents and guardians every time I walk in. They want to see if their doctor is old or qualified enough to see their children. There’s always one child who has the whole gang with them; parents, two sets of grandparents and even several aunts and uncles, and there’s also at least one child running around in circles out of boredom.

This little lad bounces off his chair and hurls himself at me in a way like a little puppy would when its owner comes home from work. I put an arm out, hoping that he’ll apply the brakes but no such luck and he bundles himself into my arms. “Nice to see you, mate.”

His parents smile as they watch their son’s antics, who then runs off as I shake their hands. I turn around to see what caught his attention, and I can’t help but chuckle when I realise it’s my wife.

“Doctor pretty Styles!” He exclaims excitedly as he bundles himself into her arms. She gets a mouthful of curls in the process.

“Hi Rory,” she greets him as she runs her fingers through his curly mop.

“Oi,” I pout as I walk towards them. “You don’t think I’m pretty?”

“Your wife is prettier,” he says with a shrug, his tone matter-of-fact.

She laughs and gives him a high-five. “Rory, you are officially my favourite patient.”

She is right. Rory is one of our special patients for sure. We’ve both known him for about six years now, ever since Rory’s mum gave birth to this tiny human next door at St Thomas and his heart was literally broken. I remember watching proudly from the theatre when my wife replaced two of his valves when he was born. It was in our early years of training. Long time patients like Rory almost always feel like family. We’ve seen all their parents’ tears and watched over their children throughout the years. They send us cards and wine every Christmas and despite all attempts to keep a professional distance, their kids do feel like our own.

Rory shrugs off his dinosaur rucksack and unzips it, pulling out a drawing of a blue whale and an opened packet of KitKat. I like that the whale wears a top hat and appears to also don a moustache.

“I drew you both a picture. Only one though, because I figure you can share,” he says with a big toothy grin and hands the packet of KitKat to my wife. “And I’ve got half a KitKat here. Do you want it?”

“I’m good for now. Keep that KitKat for later on the tube,” she smiles and waves at Rory as she begins to walk away towards the fetal cardiology ward just down the hall. “Bye Rory, thanks for the picture.”

“Bye doctor pretty Styles,” Rory replies, making my wife laugh as she walks away. I give her a wave and a wink.

“Hey Rory, did you know a blue whale has a heart the size of a small car?” I ask him and his eyes widen.

“No way! That’s mega!” He exclaims. “Do you think you could operate on a whale heart?”

“I would need a very big ladder,” I tell him. “And a wetsuit. I’d give it a go though.”

A senior nurse from the outpatient ward, Florence approaches us with a junior nurse trailing behind her. “Dr Styles, always a pleasure.”

I smile at her. “Florence. How are we today?”

“Busy as usual,” she replies. “We’re about twenty minutes behind I’m afraid. We had Dr Goodridge in this morning and you know he likes to talk.”

“He always runs over,” I chuckle. “Well, don’t worry. I’ll skip lunch and get us back up to speed.”

“I’ll make sure to send some snacks for you. Here’s your chart, your files are already in your office. And this is Alice, your nurse today. She’s newly qualified so might need some instructions.”

The new nurse looks terrified so I smile at her to try and calm her fears. I totally get that. When you work in medicine, unfortunately, you’ll realise that there are a lot of rude self-important wankers.

I look down at my chart and find Rory’s name on the top of the list. “Well, look who’s coming with me to the exam room.”

Rory reaches out to hold my hand and we walk towards the examination room. His parents follow us closely, carrying the usual coats and devices that people do when they know they’re bound for a hospital waiting room. I see them inside and sit behind the desk.

“So, young man, I hear we’ve had a touch of drama with you. Can you tell me what happened?”

I’ve actually already got the information in the file, but I like the way this kid tells a story. He reminds me of my youngest.

“So… I was at school and we were doing PE and I wasn’t really feeling it because it was cold and really we should have been inside but Mr Witter makes us go outside because he used to be in the Army apparently and he says we should get used to the cold but that’s what they do in prisons.”

I smile. “Go on.”

“And then my heart started running.”

“You mean racing?”

He nods firmly. Racing isn’t even the word. It sprinted to the finish like Bolt at 252 beats per minute, three times the speed it should.

“It felt like bubbles in my chest and then the school went crazy panicky and they called the ambulance and they brought me to the hospital but not this one, it was another one and it wasn’t as good because you weren’t there and they had really bad biscuit.”

His mum adds. “And they gave him some drugs to bring it back to a steady rhythm; they were close to shocking him.” Her voice trails off and both parents’ faces look drawn and pale remembering the incident.

Rory looks absolutely unbothered by this. To be fair, we have put this little man through everything. We’ve cut his chest open more times than is necessary for someone so small, we hook him up to machines and put him on treadmills. His resilience and character amaze me, and I really can’t imagine what it feels like to see your child so vulnerable and helpless, to be paralysed and weighed down with such worry.

“Alright then, little man, we need to make sure that your heart is working as it should. This is Alice, and she is going to take you over for an ECG and we just need to make sure your tick-tock is in good shape.”

Rory nods and jumps off the chair. His dad offers him a piggyback, and his mum smiles at them. I can hear Rory offering that half KitKat to Alice as they leave the room.

His mother turns to me as the door is closed, her shoulders relaxing, allowing herself to breathe. “And how are you?” I ask her.

“You just think it’s done and then something like that comes along to scare you,” she says with a sigh.

“Let’s have these tests and then see if it’s anything major to worry about,” I try to calm her. “Episodes of rapid heartbeat is quite common in Rory’s case, and we can look into drugs to remedy that if necessary.”

She smiles, nodding.

“Did you have any other questions for me?”

She studies my face for a moment too long. “I… well, it will show up in Rory’s records soon, but my husband I are… I mean we’re getting a divorce.”

I pause for a moment. Of course, I know these things happen in life, but I’ve known this couple for years. I’ve seen them at their lowest ebb, bound by friendship and their love for that boy. I really do feel sorry for them.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I mumble.

“We just… we’re terrified about telling Rory.”

“He doesn’t know?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “We’re scared of breaking him. I mean, look at him. All of this stuff he’s been through and he carries on like nothing has happened. We don’t want to upset him.”

“It took a team of us the best part of six years to build Rory’s heart. There's a warranty on that workmanship,” I reassure her. “Have that chat with him. He’ll be fine.”

***

“Have we got time for dinner first?” I turn to my wife as we walk out of the hospital. We don’t normally have the luxury of ending our shift at the same time, but today is exceptional. We have parents’ evening at the girls’ school so Rhonda made sure to clear up our schedule after our evening rounds at the ward.

“No, but we can raid M&S and eat in the car?”

I’m starving and I almost cry with relief at the suggestion. “Always knew I married the right woman.”

She chuckles. “Damn right you did.”

We leave the car at the hospital and she drags me along the walkways to Waterloo, the breeze biting at our cheeks. I pull her into M&S, dodging the marching commuters and grab a basket.

“I’ll look for some wine,” she says before she saunters off. “Oh and I want sushi. None of that crap with the mayonnaise please.”

“Alright.”

I skipped lunch today so the whole place calls to me. I start taking very random things off the shelves: a packet of raspberry iced buns. That’ll do. I also take some hummus for my wife because she bloody loves hummus. I’m not even joking, I’ve seen her down a whole pot of it. Then I take some sushi as requested, some coleslaw, a family bag of mature cheddar and red onion crisps and a trifle. I hope I don’t bump into Rhonda. Next are cheese twists, noodle salad and cocktail sausages.

It takes me a while to notice that there is a man right next to me with a roll of yellow stickers in their back pocket. Hello there, you are one of my favourite people tonight. Have I managed to find that sacred hour when all the food is being marked down? He labels some prawns with dip and even though I get a little squeamish about eating fish near its expiry date, I put it in my basket. I then follow him around the corner. Now, this is dinner. I put all sorts of random food in my basket and smile at the thought.

Ooh, knockdown pizzas. I should get a pizza. That’s tomorrow’s tea sorted, the girls will love it. Although I can’t help but wonder, what’s the limit for us to feed our daughters frozen pizza in a week before they get taken away from us? But eh, we might be able to get away with it if we give them frozen peas on the side.

“Look at you,” says my wife, depositing two bottles of red in the basket.

“Yes, it’s me. I’m the yellow sticker bitch.”

She snickers as we turn to head for the tills. “Excellent work.”

***

“Mr and Mrs Styles, welcome.”

“Mrs Ebner, always a pleasure,” I shake the headmistress’ hand who’s standing at the door.

“Busy evening?” My wife asks her as she shakes her hand next.

“Always,” the headmistress replies with a smile, then proceeds to speak like she’s reading out of brochures. “But such a wonderful opportunity to connect with our parents and build on the special relationships we have with our school community.”

Two uniformed minions appear.

“Lewis, Maggie, could you please show Mr and Mrs Styles through to the drinks reception?”

They both nod in unison. The boy holds his arms out like a waiter showing us to our table. We follow them through the school’s grand corridors to the main hall. It’s the one thing I like about this place. It’s very Hogwarts-like with hefty engraved name boards and sepia photos of successful sports teams. In the hall, a throng of parents mill around waiting to see respective teachers. It’s the same every year. We all dodge the people from the PTA trying to sell us quiz tickets, and the bowls of crisps out of hygiene concerns.

“Red or white?” Asks a lady in an apron.

This right here is the very reason we get through parents’ evening. From the look of the bottle, it’s decent wine too. I think that’s where a good proportion of our fees is going.

“Red, please.”

We both take our glasses and walk to the corner of the hall. It’s essentially a holding area without the background music. The idea is that all the parents will get on and create a party vibe but it just becomes a strange family gathering. As terrible as it sounds, it’s sorted into cliques: parents who know each other via NCT groups, the international expat brigades who keep to themselves, the parents who’ve ostracised themselves by gossip, the ones who you know regularly brunch and ski together.

The boy from earlier suddenly appears in front of us. “Mrs Hughes is ready for you.”

I put my hand on the small of my wife’s back as we walk towards the classroom. Fiona’s teacher first and then Alma’s straight after. Right, we can do this.

“Mrs Hughes, we meet again,” I shake her hand. I’ve got no qualms about Mrs Hughes. She’s a seasoned teacher who likes a slack and sensible moccasin and we’re familiar with her since she taught Alma two years previously. When we enter the classroom, Lewis bows in reverence, taking his leave and I wonder whether to tip him.

“It’s always lovely to have another Styles girl in my classroom. Fiona is a particular delight.”

My wife and I smile proudly. I’m sure Mrs Hughes says this to every parent here about their child, but that’s always nice to hear.

“She talks a lot about you,” my wife says. “She seems to have settled in well.”

Mrs Hughes opens up a couple of books and it’s classic Fiona. Alma is ordered and neat—if she makes a mistake then she erases it completely and she underlines things with a ruler and listens to instruction carefully. She gets that from her mum. Fiona though, on the other hand, she’s all me. She has more wild abandon about her; no rulers, no rubbers. She puts giant crosses through things that don’t work and likes her bubble writing decorated with doodles of many, many cats.

I glance around the classroom as Mrs Hughes talks to us about standardised scores. The theme of the school is to show you how smart and educated these children are. Look at the copperplate handwriting, their reproductions of Van Gogh and our languages corner where they’ve all had a go at telling us what they like in French. I spy a contribution from my girl. J’adore les chats et le gâteau au chocolat.

I’ve lost track of the conversation so I try to catch up.

“So to push Fiona into those top scores, perhaps we can look into tutoring? For maths, in particular, so she can grasp some of the concepts a little more tightly,” says Mrs Hughes.

My wife and I look at each other confused. “Uh, I don’t think there’s a need, right? She’s only five.”

“It’s never too early,” replies Mrs Hughes. “We run an after-school tutoring club on Tuesdays that would help.”

Back when I was a youngster, clubs were fun endeavours that involved matching baseballs caps or were a chocolate biscuit that you had in your lunchbox. Maths tutoring session was not a club.

I ask her. “Is it free?”

“It’s fifteen pounds per session.”

See? My point being this should be a parents’ evening, not a sales session.

“Well, then it’s something to think about,” says my wife. “It could be that Fiona catches up with people throughout the year.”

“Possibly,” Mrs Hughes nods. Still, though, she proceeds to go into her folder and passes me a form. Sneaky. “Fiona has also shown great interest in languages and art. Her pictures have been a joy.”

Mrs Hughes goes to a file and pulls one of Fiona’s drawings. I glance down at it. It’s a standard child piece of art. The grass and sky are strips of colour to the top and bottom. It’s a family portrait, and we are as tall as the broccoli style trees. Wait, hang on a second. I count the number of people in the picture again. Is that-

“And Mrs Styles, I gather congratulations are in order,” she says with a smile. “Such lovely news.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Fiona told me it’s a boy,” she adds, and the sheer terror on my wife’s face at the realisation is priceless. “You must be very thrilled.”

I study the picture. There’s a house in the middle, and standing in a line in front of the house is our family. The one slightly taller than the broccoli tree is me. I’ve got my white lab coat, and I look like a serial killer because I’m holding a scalpel with the size of a butcher’s knife. Next to me is my wife, also with a white lab coat, but instead of a scalpel, she’s holding a very chunky baby who rather looks like a basketball with a head.

“Oh dear,” I chuckle. “Guess now we know what she’ll ask for Christmas.”

“Yeah,” my wife shakes her head. “We’re not expecting.”

“Oh, I apologise,” Mrs Hughes says with a sheepish smile.

“No worries, Mrs Hughes,” I tell her. “So, what else has our girl been up to here? Besides gossiping of course.”

Mrs Hughes laughs under her breath. “Well, in class, Fiona is attentive, bright and very helpful. She is a credit to you both.”

***

“I swear your daughter, Styles.”

We’re sitting in the car now. Finally done with parents’ evening, still laughing at the slightly creepy, chunky basketball baby in Fiona’s picture and the fact that three people, including Mrs Hughes, have congratulated us for the ‘baby’.

“You haven’t called me Styles in years,“ I turn to her with a grin. “Not since medical school.”

I can’t help but flashback to the good ol’ days when we had matching university hoodies and we’d test each other on the parts of a kidney whilst walking into lectures, sitting next to each other, sharing pens and cans of Lilt.

“Well, after that I became a Styles too,” she chuckles. “Would be confusing then, wouldn’t it?”

“True,” I laugh under my breath, then I grab her hand and pull it to my mouth so I can kiss her knuckles. “Thank you.”

“What for?”

“For being a Styles.”

“Aw, aren’t we soppy tonight?” She smirks. “Alright, stop the car.”

“What?”

“There,” she points to a dark empty spot and I oblige.

Then, before I can even ask her why, she reaches over and grabs me by the collar. Pulling me close to her and gives me a kiss. I kiss her back, and I smile when she bites gently on my bottom lip.

“Oi, oi. Something’s got you randy.”

The next thing I know, she undoes her seatbelt and then rolls her trousers down her legs along with her knickers, fumbling and giggling at the awkward movement. I push my seat back and pull my trousers down.

“Don’t fall on gearstick now,” I joke as she climbs over to straddle me. “Well, unless you want to, of course…”

She laughs as she lowers herself over my lap. I really can’t believe what’s happening here.

“Mrs Styles, we’re about to have sex in a car. Around the corner from our daughters’ school.”

“I know,” she says with a smile before she runs her tongue along my neck. “Not our first rodeo though.”

“Oh right, we did it in our Volvo years ago, didn’t we? Thought the suspension couldn’t take it.”

“And it turned out fine. Told you that you needed to have more faith in the Swedes, they’re a reliable breed.”

“I love it when you talk about Sweden.”

“Ikea.”

“Fuck.”

“Meatballs.”

“Billy Bookcase.”

She throws her head back in laughter and I take this as an opportunity to run my tongue along her collar bone. She gasps. I reach down to lift her before I slowly lower her over my cock. We both sigh as I enter her, a long exhalation with our lips barely touching.

“Viggo Mortensen.”

“Isn’t he Danish?”

“Tomato, Tomahto.”

I smile at my wife and push my hips up, silently telling her that we don’t need to talk about Swedish people anymore. She grabs onto the car seat and levers herself up and down. I look at her in the eye, a goofy smile still plastered across my face.

But then I squint. Light. Bollocks, what’s that? Where’s that light coming from? Crap, that’s bright. Shit. I see the flash of a hi-vis jacket, a knock at the window and someone shaking their head.

Oh sodding fucking bollocking shit wank.

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solangelo3088 · 6 years ago

Text

person: why do you have one best friend? why don’t you have any other friends?

me: STORYTIME

okay so, there used to be three of us besties in primary school. I moved there in year two and got absorbed into their group.

in year six, we went to High Borrans for a week. (big house, lots of big ass rooms of varying sizes to share with people, bunk beds, only 4 guys from our class went) and we were in two groups for outdoor adventures like caves, canoeing, mountain climbing, etc and then smaller ones for the rooms we slept in.

in my room were one bestie, two sorta close friends and the girl who bullied everyone including me. in the room across was my other bestie and like 13 other girls. in the room beside theirs, was the last 4. the boys were on the other side of this fucking mansion hotel thing.

my roomie-bestie was hanging out in the 14 person room when I was told I had to go fetch them for the teacher. I knock on the door, no answer. I open it slightly just to shout through that the teacher wanted them and she opens the door and screams at me to go away. I leave, I tell the teacher why I didn't fetch them and they go to find out what's going on. I never found out, but she was mad at me for telling on her.

when we got back she was acting weird. we were in three clubs together; the choir, the ICT team and the ECO team. we hung out a lot. but she was being weird with me.

now, in year six, apparently, they think you have to start pulling your weight or something so each lunchtime, two or three of us were assigned to work in the office/reception and answer phones, see visitors and do other office things. best friend A, the one who was being weird chose someone else, and someone else chose friend B so I chose a friend on my table.

flashforward and our day is Tuesday. we eat our lunch quickly and go to the office. all I do is shred paper, find things and press the magic button to let students in and out of the office because my anxiety over speaking to people and answering the phone is HIGH. so then lunch is over and we go back to class and then I get summoned by our Choir/ICT/ECO team teacher who also teaches year 3. she asks where I was at lunchtime. I ask why and she says that best friend A was crying and said I had been bullying her. she said I’d said something incredibly racist that I'm not going to type.

I am not racist. I'm not anything -ist or -phobic. if you’re a nice person, I don't care. if you aren't a nice person, I still won't care but I’ll probably say I don't like you because you aren't a nice person.

friend A didn't know I have a grandad who remarried a woman from Kenya (step-grandma???) and had an uncle from Kenya now too, and that we were quite close at the time.

this teacher, who had known me for years, who thought highly of me, who I had three lunchtime and after-school clubs with, genuinely thought I had not only been racist but also a bully to one of the biggest teachers' pets in the whole school. I said I didn't. I told her I had been in the office with another girl and the scary lady who worked there. she dragged me there to check, and only let me off the hook when two people confirmed my alibi.

less than a week later, our teacher isn't there so we get split up and sent to the other classes. I'm in year 3. the same teacher pauses her lesson halfway through to speak to someone, and then pulls me aside and asks if I called friend A a bitch. I'm not even 11 years old at this point, I don't know many swear words and I don't use any. I tell her I don't know what it means and it convinces her that I didn't and she lets me off the hook. after this, friend A refuses to be my friend anymore and keeps trying to convince friend B to stop being my friend. this causes another story for another time but we haven't spoken since we left primary school. best friend B is still my best friend.

me: also my best friend is very possessive and would fight people for the right to be my only best friend and is super loyal and nerdy so I don't need anyone else

#best friends #high borrans #primary school #the drama of it #i hate school?#zoe rants #story time #honestly she was a bitch and im upset i didnt call her out on her bullshit back then

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fear-god-shun-evil · 6 years ago

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Christian Diary: Grandma Isn’t So Clumsy as I Said

“Grandma, you just can’t type in such a simple word. What did you learn in your primary school? You’re too stupid!” Linlin, a sixth-grade student, said to her grandmother impatiently.

Her grandmother, sitting on the chair, said nothing but sighed. Not asking Linlin anymore, she continued to look at the computer screen again, and hit the keyboard with her two index fingers clumsily, while repeating the word that she was going to type in.

Seeing her grandmother like this, Linlin just realized that she disdained her grandmother once again. She felt a little sad, thinking: I have already known I’m young, brash and arrogant, and determined that I would no longer treat grandma in that way. But why did I once more fall into my old ways today? Linlin felt quite depressed. She silently went back to her room, sat on the bedside, opened her diary, and read the stories that had happened between her grandmother and her recently.

May 10, 2018, Thursday, Sunny

Because my dad and mom have been working in another place, I have lived with my grandma since kindergarten. She took very good care of me, washing my clothes and cooking for me. At that time, I felt my grandma was really capable and could do any housework. But as I gradually grew up and learned more and more things, I felt she was outdated. She even didn’t know how to use the smartphone or the computer, and also she couldn’t understand the fashionable words that I spoke. So sometimes when she asked me some words that she couldn’t recognize, but I thought they were very simple, I would just say without thinking, “Grandma, you even don’t know such simple words. You’re really stupid.” Seeing I took such an attitude, grandma said, “I’m old and my memory is poor. I just forgot some words, and you said I’m stupid. How could you speak like that?” But no matter what grandma said, I still thought she was stupid and looked down on everything she did.

May 13, 2018, Sunday, Sunny

Today, I went shopping with grandma and once again I saw she took her cellphone for old people. I said to her, “Grandma, don’t take that cellphone anymore. It even can’t take photos. It’s so shameful!” After I pleaded with her again and again, she finally bought a smartphone. However, she didn’t know how to use it and let me teach her. I gave her a demonstration for several times, and then I let her operate it by herself. But when I asked her to press the right key she pressed the left key. I became extremely angry and shouted: “Grandma, I asked you to press the right key but you pressed the left key. Didn’t you see how I press them? You’re so stupid!” Grandma said: “You pressed so quickly that I didn’t see clearly. Besides, I’m very old. How can I match you?” Then I impatiently taught her another several times, but she didn’t remember it yet. Seeing that I was impatient, she was also unhappy, saying: “I don’t want to learn!” I thought: When I first learned it, I didn’t have so much difficulty as you did. I have taught you so many times but you can’t remember it and even get angry with me. Humph, it’s better that you don’t want to learn. I have taught you quite a while, but you still don’t know how to operate it. It’s just a waste of time even if I teach you again.

May 18, 2018, Friday, Cloudy

Today, when I just stepped into the house after school, I heard grandma said to herself: “Did the computer crash? Why did it not react no matter how I move the mouse?” So I went to her and wanted to know what had happened. At first I didn’t understand why either, but after I read the instructions I found that she didn’t plug the mouse receiver into the computer, so I blurted: “Grandma, can’t you read the instructions? The computer will be broken by you sooner or later.” Then I saw that she even didn’t know how to use the mouse and wanted to help her, but when I saw she couldn’t part her index and middle finger, I felt she was laughable and stupid. I said impatiently: “Grandma, you’re so stupid.” Because I always treated grandma like that, she was somewhat unhappy and said to me: “If you look down on me again, hurry to take your things to your own home and live by yourself, so that you can try a taste of living independently.” Hearing that, I felt sad in my heart: It’s not easy for grandma to take care of me every day, but I have no patience with her. I really felt that I was not sensible, but whenever I saw grandma learned something slowly, I would look down on her in spite of myself though I didn’t want to be like this.

May 20, 2018, Sunday, Sunny

This afternoon, Aunt Yu in the church came to look for grandma, but grandma just went out. I then told her what happened between grandma and me. Having heard this, Aunt Yu read a passage of God’s words to me: “Because the people in this age group are inexperienced in the matters of the world and have little understanding of the affairs of human life, when they just begin to come into contact with the affairs of the world and of human life, they think, ‘I understand. I understand thoroughly. I know it all! I can understand what adults talk about and I can keep up with all the fashionable things in society. Now mobile phones are developing quickly, with functions that are so complicated—I know how to use it all! You bunch of old women don’t understand anything. You even can’t turn on the TV, and if you do manage to turn it on, you can’t switch it off again.’ There are some young people, when their grandmothers speak to them and say: ‘Do this for granny,’ who reply: ‘Humph, you can’t even do this. Old people really are useless!’ What kind of way is that to talk? Don’t forget, you will also grow old one day. Can being able to do some things like this be considered a skill? Can it be considered an ability? People may say no, but when they encounter some issue, they will express this kind of disposition. What is this? This is what is meant by ‘the young are brash and arrogant.’ This is what people express.”

Having heard God’s word, I felt it revealed exactly my situation. I had learned to operate computer at school, so it was easy for me to use the smartphone and computer when I accessed to them; even if I was unfamiliar with some operation, I made it after I read the instructions. So I felt that I was clever, and capable of everything. When I saw grandma couldn’t do these things, and even couldn’t remember or learned slowly what I taught her, I disdained her and said that she was stupid. In fact, grandma isn’t so stupid as I said. It is just because there were not these things during her time that she didn’t have a chance to learn. Besides, grandma is old; her brain is slower than young men’s, and her hands and feet are not so agile, so it’s normal for her to learn something with difficulty. However, I took the little skill that I have learned as my strong point and my capital to laugh at her. I’m really too brash and arrogant, without any likeness of a little Christian. At this time, I felt reproached in my heart. I made up my mind: In future, I mustn’t treat grandma like this anymore. I must have a change.

Closing her diary, Linlin was annoyed that she hadn’t changed her attitude to her grandmother yet.

At that night, Aunt Yu came to look for her grandmother again, Linlin told her trouble to Aunt Yu.

“Aunt, I know that I’m arrogant and I always disdain my grandma. I really want to have a change, but why can’t I change? Aunt, you say, what should I do to not disdain my grandma and to change my attitude toward her?”

Aunt Yu said: “It’s not enough to just have some knowledge about our arrogant nature. In daily life, we must take practical action, betray this nature and treat others fairly.” Then she read two passages in the Sermons and Fellowship on Entry Into Life: “You should take practical action. Then what to do? Treating others with love, helping others, being able to get along with others equally and harmoniously and loving each other—these are counted as true repentance.” “Find others’ strong points, and compare them to your shortcomings. Learn to respect others and draw on others’ strengths to make up for your deficiencies. Don’t always compare your strong points to others’ shortcomings. Don’t always look down on others.”

listen to her

Aunt Yu continued saying: “The fellowship is very clear. If you want to have a change and no longer disdain your grandmother, you should treat her fairly, see more her strong points, and don’t compare your strong points to her shortcomings. Because everyone has his own shortcomings and insufficiencies. Just as God’s word says: ‘No matter how capable people are, how astute they are, or how talented they are, there’ll always be something that’s beyond them, something they’re incapable of understanding. It’s like on people’s backs, isn’t there a spot that they can’t reach? In the place it’s itching you say, “Mom, give me a scratch here.” These words are the most real, they are the words in your heart. In the areas that are beyond you, you always need the support and help of others. So your parents are the ones that nurture you, but they’re also your helpers. What’s best is when you can make them your friends, intimates, and confidants. They help you, you help them, you support each other, and make up for one another’s shortcomings, and in this way the relationship between you becomes normal.’”

After reading God’s words, Aunt Yu fellowshiped some more. Linlin saw the light after hearing these words. She said: “From God’s words, I know that although I knew how to use some electronic products, in life, I know nothing about how to wash clothes, cook or brush shoes. It’s grandma who helps me do these things and takes care of me in my daily life. Grandma and I have our own strong points and shortcomings. There is nothing for me to be arrogant about even if I have learned something new. I should try to help grandma instead of comparing my strong points to her shortcomings. Grandma doesn’t disdain me because I don’t know how to deal with some daily chores. I’m particularly not qualified to disdain her. Now, not only should I help grandma with love and patience, but also I should learn from her strong points.”

At that night, Linlin prayed to God again: “God, I know I was wrong. I shouldn’t treat my grandma like that. In future, I will speak to my grandma calmly. If she asks me something she doesn’t understand, I will teach her carefully. God! I have an arrogant disposition, but I’m willing to betray it, treat my grandma fairly, see more her strong points, and not treat her based on my corrupt disposition.” After prayer, Linlin felt peaceful in her heart.

One afternoon, her grandmother learned from Linlin how to type once more. At first, when her grandmother asked her, she could teach her patiently. Later on, when her grandmother asked her some simple words, Linlin started to mutter in her heart: Alas, my grandma. These words are so simple and I have told you before. Why do you forget them again? When she was going to disdain her grandmother, she thought of God’s words and the resolution she made before God. Then she felt ashamed in her heart and saw that she was too arrogant. So she prayed to God in her heart: “God, my arrogant nature is going to expose again. I have said that I would teach my grandma patiently, but I can’t control my arrogant disposition. God, please lead me to practice the truth.” After prayer, Linlin thought of God’s words: “Don’t forget, you will also grow old one day.” “They help you, you help them, you support each other, and make up for one another’s shortcomings, and in this way the relationship between you becomes normal.” That’s right! I will also grow old one day. As the age develops more and more rapidly, maybe I can’t match grandma when at her age. These words are strange to her, so it’s normal that she can’t remember them for the moment. I can’t help her with other things but can do such a small thing for her. At this thought, Linlin was liberated in her heart and started to teach her grandmother patiently. As soon as Linlin saw that her grandmother typed in a wrong way, she taught her hand over hand. When her grandmother saw this, a gratified smile appeared on her face.

In the following days when Linlin got along with her grandmother, her grandmother still didn’t understand many things and Linlin also revealed arrogance now and then, but she would pray to God and rely on God so that she could forsake herself and help her grandmother with love according to God’s will. At the same time, Linlin also thanked God for His leading, which made her not disdain her grandmother but could respect and get along well with her. All the glory be to God!

#Faith and Life #Christian Family

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2tsrwzsba-blog · 5 years ago

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Can I afford a new car with minimum wage?

I am looking to buy a 2011 Mitsubishi Lancer DE with a manual transmission which retails for about $15K. I live with my parents and would love a new car ( especially the Lancer since ive been a fanatic of the Evolution for as long as I can remember , but need a better commuter ) and I am about to go to my first year in College. If I cannot completely afford the car, than my parents offered they can support me as I purchase the car but I would like to see how well I would be able to pay it off on my own with a Job paying about $8 per hour. Thank you for any help!

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :INSUREQUOTE.US

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starcourtscream · 6 years ago

Text

mobile bio :

THE PERENNIAL SADNESS OF A GIRL

who is both D E A T H & the MAIDEN.

π ∡ ∞ ∑

a roleplay blog for LYDIA MARTIN, a BANSHEE from TEEN WOLF ( canon compliant excluding 6b ).

independent / highly selective / private / MUTUALS ONLY / mature content.

cherished by STEPHANIE. 24. she/her.

tracking BANSHEEINTUITION.

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

GENERAL STATS: lydia martin. former primadonna. banshee. genius. multilingual. aspiring fields medal winner. pisces.

APPEARANCE: 5'3". approx. 117 lbs. petite on the curvaceous side. milky pale skin. wide eucalyptus eyes. plush & full lips. hair falling in lush rose gold waves. various scars ( in chronological order ): werewolf bite scar on left side, kanima stab wound above right hip, drill hole near left temple, claw marks halfway circling throat, bullet wound behind right shoulder. naturally walks like a supermodel. shops primarily at nordstrom & macy's.

FAMILY: mother: natalie martin, BHHS principal. divorced. alive. father: estranged & irrelevant. divorced. alive. grandmother: lorraine martin. banshee. deceased. siblings: none.

PSYCHE: multiple occasions of psychography. pareidolia. fugue states. sensory hallucinationspremonitions. POSTTRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER. emotional repression. tendencies to self isolate. chronic nightmares. hears voices. history of catatonia & admission into EICHEN HOUSE. has suffered several different incidents of emotional, psychological & physical abuse.

SKILLS: predicting terrible events, sensing impending death, finding corpses, causing neural apoptosis by screaming with fatal decibels, inducing premonitions, faking smiles, applying her own theoretical equations to the supernatural world, throwing the best parties in town, opening rifts in universes, cryptography and experience with decrypting cipher algorythms, transcending her own body, projecting herself into dreams, translating bestiaries from archaic languages, breaking down steel doors, perfect winged eyeliner, can & will kick your ass in heels, intellectually & academically brilliant.

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

A TEENAGE GIRL dreams of fashion, social prestige and academic success, but lydia never imagined her life would become laced with the cloying sense of impending death.

death kissed, death haunted — fate had chosen lydia before her birth; premonitions whispered into her DNA.

lydia was always somewhat ECCENTRIC, and painfully aware of it. she was closer to her mother, THOUGH PATIENCE WASN’T AMONG NATALIE’S SPECIALTIES. the only one who saw lydia for who she truly was among the chaos of the eventually divorced martins — rather than a ‘TOTAL NUCLEAR MELTDOWN’ or annoyance — was her grandmother LORRAINE, known as the family LUNATIC. perhaps this was because they shared a SUPERNATURAL IDENTITY, kept secret from the little girl in a secret code left especially for her to transcribe when she was much older.

lydia was always in her own little world aside from being OBSESSED with academicPERFECTION, AMBITIOUS from the start. it came naturally to her, but instead of taking pride in their daughter’s achievements they were more concerned with childlike idiosyncrasies. why was lydia the way she was? why did she choose to respond only to the fictional name of a mermaid, insisting on ‘ariel’ ? why was she so fixated, so WITHDRAWN, so NEUROTIC ? why was herVOICE so piercing ? why wouldn’t she stop W A I L I N G ?

in denial of the mystic convergence taking place within BEACON HILLS, the martins hadn’t considered that their daughter possessed a gift; a HARBINGER of somethingOTHERWORLDLY. they wrote lorraine off instead and committed her to an asylum, doing their best to veil the elder’s senseless ‘DELUSIONS’ from the innocent child until sheSUPPOSEDLY lived out her days. LYDIA was left as the family EMBARRASSMENT.

this created a VOID in the strawberry blonde’s SELF-ESTEEM that spiraled with age. lydia knew she was DIFFERENT, though she couldn’t find its precise root. she was highly introspective & CONSCIENTIOUS at an early age, CRAVING every single figment of S U C C E S S regardless of shape or form. her parents already chalked her up to be a fruitcakeJUST LIKE GRANDMA, and didn’t expect much from her when she displayed subtle notes of anomaly. she wanted to prove herself worthy of much more credit than she was given.

lost in textbooks, archaic languages and highly advanced scientific content through adolescence, A GRADE POINT AVERAGE WELL OVER A 5.0 was effortless. thisSURPRISED most of the teaching staff but her inattentive parents, however, hadn’t the faintest clue about her intellectual capacity ( or her aspirations already planned for the future ). in fact, most people didn’t know how SMART she was. lydia felt OUT-OF-TOUCH with socialization, disconnected from her peers and she was LONELY when she left middle school. kids didn’t like nerds, did they ? lydia didn’t want to be unpopular. she didn’t want to be cool, either. when freshman year arrived, she wanted to be THE BEST ( wasting much of her youth ).

❝ --- NO ONE LIKES A LOSER. ❞

lydia formed ideas, cultivating an ARTIFICIAL PERSONA down to a SCIENCE. in a vain effort to ascend the spectrum of POPULARITY and gain favor of everyone around her, she swanked the hallways of beacon hills high SUPERIORITY-CROWNED & VANITY-CONSUMED. she threw the most EXTRAVAGANT HOUSE PARTIES for each birthday, making sure EVERYONE knew her name. she spent hours in front of her mirror with a modelesque makeup routine, BLENDING TEARS INTO HER FOUNDATION. she kept her INTELLIGENCE — her most powerful weapon — WELL HIDDEN.

lydia martin was essentially a HOT MESS, though more PRECOCIOUS andATTENTION-SEEKING ( even at her own expense ). she dated the captain of the lacrosse team for a while, though nothing more to him than an accessory in the name of love ( or what she liked to imagine it was ) and he made her feel WORTHLESS. with a BRUISED PSYCHE, she hushed herself during classroom conversations and took up the TRIFLINGgames of a DRAMA QUEEN to make herself feel better when her heart was crumbling.

but among all of that, she found herself among a few others who ACCEPTED her limitless source of knowledge and it was her first taste of authentic FRIENDSHIP. lydia became part of aPACK. at first, lydia didn’t know how to feel. these kids weren’t following her around for celebrity by association. they cared about her. they made sure she was okay. they included her and they would change her life forever…

…it started on a FULL MOON: a nightmarish montage of BLINDING stadium lights, an echoing HOWL, GLOWING RED EYES and the voracious pearly-white fangs of a vengefulWEREWOLF tearing into her side. blood coating her silver prom dress. this generated the beginning of her own T R A N S F O R M A T I O N. she wasn’t becoming a wolf as she lay recovering in the hospital, nor was the bite killing her — but IGNITING HERSPARK.

her first encounter was in the shower, when she experienced terrifying HALLUCINATIONS. her S C R E A M rang throughout the hospital, the town, even the deep woods. when everyone came running to check on her, she had already DISAPPEARED and fled through the window. three days later, she was found in the deep woods naked, shivering, doe-eyed and fearful.

lydia began to experience AFTEREFFECTS since. she was sensitive to GHOSTLY APPARITIONS. she entered involuntary FUGUE STATES leading her to places of supernatural significance. she had nightmares. she saw things that others could not, even falling to the phenomenon of automatic writing. complementary to being H A U N T E D were lydia’sSCREAMS. insecure and terrified, maybe she was going CRAZY after all. what was happening to her?

slow to let down her intricate walls of MARBLE around a seemingly GLACIAL HEART, lydia was petulant. SASS became her primary ART FORM, but she was never truly an ice princess. she WANTED to believe her friends weren’t going to hurt her. she WANTED to let them in, and eventually she warmed up to them well into SOPHOMORE YEAR when she realized what they would do to protect her when supernatural events took place and their world began to shift & turn upside down. they saved her life ( more than once ) and she would do the same for them in a heartbeat as the FAMILY she wasn’t exactly graced with by blood. her friends kept her bound to the supernatural.

❝ --- I’M SOMETHING !!! ❞

it dawned upon lydia that FAUX SUPREMACY was fruitless, having fallen away with maturity. there was more to her world than lip plumper and the most glamorous designer stilettos just for a class lecture. lives needed to be SAVED. DEATH needed to be prevented. and LYDIA had that special power. voices, WHISPERS, ECHOES swirled around in her head and filled a frequency only she seemed tuned into. the revelation of her identity took place in a moonlit classroom during a sacrificial ritual. tied to a chair with a knife to her throat, a dark druid posing as a teacher knew.

❝ YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE, DO YOU? THEWAILING WOMAN. A B A N S H E E, RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES. YOU’RE JUST LIKE ME, LYDIA. LOOK LIKE THE INNOCENT FLOWER, BUT BE THE SERPENT UNDER IT. ❞

somehow, a near death experience to find out what was blossoming within her didn’t surprise lydia. what she never saw coming, though, was the possession of the boy she loved by a dark trickster spirit leading to the tragic death of her first & best friend. it cast a shadow over her heart and she grieved the loss of ALLISON argent in solitude, wishing there was something she could have done to prevent it from happening. meeting ANOTHER banshee gave her hope. she was no longer the popular girl, but it didn’t matter anymore. saving her friends & others like them did, and lydia immersed herself into mythological literature and folklore in hopes of enhancing her senses and figuring out what else she could do.

❝ --- BUT IF I HAVE THIS THING, IT’S GOT TO WORKSOME OF THE TIME. IT’S GOTTA HELP SOMEONE. ❞

a horrific twist in events sent lydia into CATATONIA after being violently injured by an antagonist and left hypothermic and dying in an ancient oak grove. FROZEN and muted, lydia was trapped in her own mind with no way to help her friends when it was her turn for a stay in EICHEN HOUSE, beacon hills’ MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY with dark secrets and insidious intentions. the very place lorraine was quite recently MURDERED after surprisingly faking her death all those years to help & protect lydia from assassins with a generous price on her and everyone she knew. at the hands of orderlies who wanted to do more than put her under psychiatric drug treatment, she was being experimented on with frequencies. she broke out of catatonia to S C R E A M, buying time to save her friend from a death she sensed but she was still being abused and tortured to a point where the SOUNDS & VOICES in her head were too powerful upon AMPLIFICATION with the practice of trepanation sans anesthesia. HER OWN SCREAMS WERE GOING TO BLOW HER OUT and she ACCEPTED that she wasn’t going to make it. but her pack came through for her and saved her life, and after recovery she was able to catch up in time to help defeat LA BÊTE DU GÉVAUDAN ( AND PREPARE FOR SENIOR YEAR ).

❝ NOT ALL MONSTERS DO MONSTROUS THINGS. ❞

BY HER FINAL HIGH SCHOOL CHAPTER, LYDIA MARTIN HAD EVOLVED FROM A CAKE FACED SHELL OF A GIRL TO AN INTUITIVE WOMAN OF A SUPREME CAPACITY TO LOVE, PROTECT & MAKE A DIFFERENCE. THE WILD HUNT FEARS HER. THE UNIVERSE BENDS TO HER AS SHE CONTINUES TO FIGHT FOR THE PRESERVATION OF INNOCENT LIFE.

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

#♡ about

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fair-dinkum-mechanic · 6 years ago

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i dont think any of you should bother caring at this point and im just goin gto ramble and not make any fucking sense at all yet again. my entire life story is written below. Like. my entire fucking worthless stupid disgusting life story that shouldn’t even exist because I shouldn’t fucking exist

it’s so, so , so SO hard every fucking minute of every fucking day to be living with the absolute truth that I’m NOT good enough that I never can be good enough and that I never WAS good enough. Not for anyone, and not for anything. I’ve told this story so many fucking times now but I need to recap and overshare just to put it in clearer perspective in my own mind. I don’t care if anyone reads it, I don’t think anyone will anyway, but its basically my fucking life story and how its all just been one huge lesson that I am literally worthless breathing garbage.

I think the ONLY time I’ve ever had any fucking worth was when I was extremely young. Not that I can remember much from the ages from 0-6. I remember my entire family LOVED me. Sure, my sister was jealous and quite enraged that my mum had another kid, especially since I was unplanned and there’s a good 14 year age gap between me and my siblings, but when I was extremely little everyone seemed to love me. I was pretty shy and clingy, but if I was comfortable around people I was extremely polite and always laughing. I see videos of myself as a really young kid and I see myself in him but it’s just so distant from who I am now. I was gentle and loved nothing more than to make people laugh and entertain them. But yeah, I also threw a few tantrums too. I’m a fucking virgo. Then of course school started, and that’s when my differences really started to show. I was too gentle and too quiet. I wasn’t boistrous and full of energy like the rest of the boys around me. Naturally, I became friends with many more girls and seemed to gravitate more toward the softer, more quiet kinds of things. I didn’t like sports, and I hated loud noises. That started making things difficult for me when trying to fit in, but still, we were all pretty young and nobody really cared at that stage. There was some light bullying but normal kid stuff, nothing that really hit home just yet. I was a little fucking cunt to the friends I did have though. I had obviously been far too spoiled and raised on my own so I didn’t know how to be empathetic and kind to my friends. I was possessive and cruel to them. I remember smacking one of my friends right in the nose for choosing to play with some other kid that I hated for the day. I was only 7-9 at this point though.

My dad was always pretty distant. He had an extremely short fuse and foul temper. I once saw him fighting with my sister to the point of physically grabbing her and makiing her fall to the floor. He took her car keys so she couldn’t leave so she ran to my grandmas house. Once when I was about 5 I was taking too long to get ready in the morning for school and while I was brushing my teeth he burst into the bathroom and snatched my toothbrush out of my mouth and threw it hard at the wall. My sister came out and they screamed at each other because he woke her up when she had the night shift. He’d chased me with shoes, belts, and said all manner of things to me. I was never ever close to him and I don’t really care that much. I care to the extent that because of it I wont’ ever be able to understand a fatherly bond or how that is meaningful to people. He was an extremely hyper masculine person. He used to be a football coach, was heavily into football and women, was extremely homophobic and the like. He wasn’t all bad, but that was the person I knew and saw the most of. Things got quite good for me for a year and a bit. My teacher told me to find new friends and I did, which led me to one of the best years of my life. I was 10 or 11 and I had one extremely close friend called Ben, and we used to hang out all the time. Our families spoke and I got along with his siter and he got along with my family too. We’d have sleepovers all the time and we’d do all the fun shit kids would do like go to carnivals, watch inappropriate horror movies, play games, think that staying up past 12 was a sin, etc. Eventually all the friends I’d made in that time left my school due to family moving or to escape the relentless bullying at the primary school I went to, which I was about to face. I still kept in contact with Ben, but they’d all left the school and by the time I was 12 I was left with no friends at all.

I’m certain that’s when things really started to spiral out of control for me. I would spend lunchtimes walking around the school by myself for the entire hour, trying to make it look like I was going somewhere so the other kids wouldn’t know I had nowhere to go and no one to talk to. Eventually they figured it out though and I became the target of daily bullying. They’d shout out at me that i was a loner with no friends, I’d be picked last for everything, I used to brush my hair all the way across like a hideous combover, and of course I withdrew more into myself and eventually because I didn’t like sports and was quite gentle, the homophobic bullying started. Teachers and my mum tried to push me to get talking to the kids and make friends with them but even when I tried I couldn’t say a single thing right. They’d always make fun of me whenever I opened my mouth. I remember telling a ghost story while everyone else was and for the rest of the day the entire class of 30+ kids crowded around me laughing and pointing, some poking me and the teacher did nothing. When I finally told them to fuck off I was sent into detention for swearing. When I approached teachers they would get frustrated and tell me that I should’ve told them sooner. I would be pulled up on the smallest misbehaviour and punished because I was isolated and alone so I stood out. I think the lowest point for me was when I went to speak with kids I’d been trying to make friends with for an entire year and they turned around and asked me if I wanted to hear a song they made. And It was about me, how ugly I was, how gay I was, and how much of a loner and loser I was. I had to stand there and watch these girls do that as the boys laughed. That’s one of the only things from those days that’s really stuck with me I think. The rest of it I’m pretty much over. Of course it still has its effect on me, but I don’t expect apologies or hold it against any of the kids who did it. I can see the impact it has had on the rest of my life though. For my final year of primary school I managed to find friends again, although the kids who used to bully me were still around and all the homophobic bullying continued.

Mind you, at this stage I had no idea that I was gay. I hadn’t really thought about it. In fact, I was jerking off to women, it wasn’t until later on that I found it out for myself, so being bullied so hard for my sexuality for so long I think played a huge huge role in how long it took me to accept and understand it. Anyway, I left primary school terrified to go into high school like everyone is, but I was kind of hopeful that I’d get there and things would be better. Of course, I was wrong, because I wasn’t prepared for how grown up a lot of the rich kids at private school wanted to seem. Around the first year of high school when I was 13 I drifted away from Ben, which still makes me sad but we’re both entirely differnet people than when we were kids, obviously. He’s a very straight guy and I’m a very gay one. I made another very close friend in highschool though, and this is where I’ll stop saying names because a lot of these people are still in my life. He was also brand new to the school and we lived extremely close to each other. For a while, it was only me and him, two extremely dopey 13 year old kids with horrific haircuts, braces, and breaking voices. By this point my skin had really started breaking out and I can assure you I was still not into sports. Not really the best thing when I was enrolled in a private school known for its sporting elitism. I realised really quickly that things weren’t going to be easy for me there. It really didn’t take long for the homophobic bullying to start up again. It was much, much worse this time though. People would actively avoid me, they would spread rumours that me and my only friend were fucking (he’s another extremely straight guy) and it just made me horrified that he’d ditch me to avoid all that. A girl I’d never spoken to, who was extremely popular, once did one of those trashy “Tag Your Friends Who...” things on Facebook. I wasn’t friends with her but stumbled across the photo somehow, and on the part that said “tag your friend that’s most likely to be gay” she had written my full name, and there was a huge comment thread underneath it with the boys and girls from school saying things like “HAHAHA and what about the science teacher he sneaks off into the storeroom with...”. Even though I’d managed to make more friends, my confidence was fucking gone. I could barely open my mouth in classes. The bullying came from the teachers too, primarily the sports department because they had so much power. I’d be singled out and chastised and was threatened with expulsion more than once for refusing to sign up to extra curricular sports and show up to Saturday morning games and such. This caused extreme conflict at home too, with my dad being such a masculine guy and respecting the boys sport master as he was an ex-state football player. He’d yell at me and resent me and tell me how much better his life would be once I left home. Mum would also fight with me because I was just so adamant to not give the teachers what they wanted. Once I got older around 16 I really started to figure out that I’m not straight. I had crushes on girls, I even dated one for a short while, but we kissed twice and I bailed on that. I’d managed to create a pretty solid friendship circle.For reference sake I’ll make up names for people. I got in touch with one of the girls I was friends with way back in primary school, one of the ones I was a cunt to (Susan), and my Straight Friend from high school (Peter) had a friend of his own who was having extreme difficulties at home and making friends at school (Harvey). I also met a friend online who we used to speak almost every day and she was a real comfort to me and genuinely wanted to speak with me all the time (Karen). I lost a few friends from my younger high school years, but eventually somehow ended up with a group of the more “nerdy” girls. Me and Peter were finally in our own friendship group within school and I was able to throw parties and 20+ people would attend. Of course, I was still the victim of homophobic rumours and bullying in PE from both the jock boys and teachers, but overall It was going okay. I had my first crush on a boy, and to this day I’m not convinced he’s entirely straight, but also he was extremely attractive and very popular so I had absolutely not chance with him in a million moons. We only spoke on MSN and never spoke at school. I was also having minor obsessive crushes on girls as well, but I think that was from my feelings of lonliness and also seeing straight people all over the place and thinkin that was supposed to be me. Eventually, somehow I became extremely close with one of the girls in our friendship group at school (April), and me, her and Peter became a trio of sorts. We were very close with the other friends too, Harvey and Susan and we’d often organise parties and gatherings where we’d have picnics or go places, see movies, or hang out. Eventually the final year of high school came along and I embraced my passion for acting and comedy. Suddenly, almost everyone in the school loved me. They thought I was the most hysterical, valuable person they’d met. I was still withdrawn and compltely unsure how to act around any of them, but eventually I came to it and made a few friends from being more open with myself. I was so closed off and just sure that everyone was out to bully me and I’d become judgmental and bitter, but I’m so thankful I got to know some of those people a bit better. I just wish I’d been able to do so sooner. At home things weren’t going as well though. My dad was diagnosed with a rare lung condition, and my brother and sister had begun to fight quite viciously (both of whom had moved out of home long ago and had families of their own). It devolved to the point where my brother completely shut off my sister and my parents from his life. We didn’t hear a word from him.

Also at this point Peter and Karen started dating, despite her living in NSW and him in SA. That didn’t end well and it caused a rift between them. Karen was also starting to experiment with drugs and argue with us quite often. She also became quite distant after some time. But she’d even come down to visit us here twice.

Peter really started to drown himself in study, and that left me and April. During this time me and her became really close. She was the daughter of two of the teachers at the school, so obviously we couldn’t get into too much trouble, but we had free lessons together and instead of studying we’d sneak off to Maccas for lunch and every week we’d visit a pet store up the road and visit all the animals that we’d given names to. We even went into the city once and brought Disney DVDs and Britney Spears albums. She was the first person I came out to, and I remember it as clear as day because I got a blade of grass stuck in my eye a few seconds after. The last year of high school is when my mental health started to really deteriorate. I felt lonely, worthless, ugly, and extremely afraid. Schoolwork had an effect on me that I’m still not able to fully describe. It drained me of all energy and made me want to cut into my skin just to feel something. Of course this meant that I wasn’t able to provide my teachers the standard of work that they wanted, and they berated and screamed at me for it. I fought back, becasue it’s all I knew how to do, but I was always told I was rude, disrespectful and being difficult. I remember the exact day I knew something wasn’t right in my brain. I was supposed to be in a Biology lesson but I hadn’t done work on an assignment tha was due. I couldn’t front it. I didn’t do it because I couldn’t. I’d sat down and tried and tried but I couldn’t wrack my brain to do it and I couldn’t ask for help because I had shut down. I was walking around school, breathing so hard I could feel my heart pounding in my throat, and eventually I saw one of my good friends who immediately could see something wasn’t right. I didn’t say anything and she didn’t either but she immediately hugged me and all I did was sob and tell her I just wanted to kill myself I just wanted to run onto the road and have the cars flatten me. She took me to my class and explained it to my teacher who was surprisingly very understanding. That teacher from then on made sure to check up on how I was doing with work and asked me if I needed any specific grade and once I said no she undeerstood and said “we’ll get you the passing grade you need, but we won’t push you any further than that, alright?” and I’ll never forget that. It was one of the kindest things a teacher had ever done for me. Her understanding meant so much.

Although, my mental health continued to fail, and my life continued to get harder. I finished high school with very below average grades, and it seemed like most people were over me and didn’t really care. I was also coming to terms with just how gay I was. Which was very. And I hated the fact I’d never been in a ~~~real~~~ relationship. Lonliness was taking me over. April was there for me every second though, and I opened up to her about how I felt. Peter eventually moved to NSW to study there, like he was always going to. It was very upsetting for our friendship group as everyone loved him, and I was so close to him for such a long time that not having him around constantly was going to be really, relaly hard. Luckily I still had April and all of my other friends who wanted to hang out and see me a lot. Harvey, Susan, and my other new close friend Talia were all there. Susan and Talia both went to study art at uni, and they both got put in the same class. They didn’t know each other too well but I was very excited for the both of them to get to know each other, and eventually they stated to get along really well!

Me and April only got closer as the first year out of high school went on. She would catch the bus to my house and we’d hang out and do fuck knows what. Anything we felt like. Sometimes she’d stay the night, and she’d always be there to help me set up for parties or through difficult times. We’d speak over skype almost every night and we did so many things and spoke about so much stuff that I can’t even think of many things off the top of my head to list becasue there’s just so much we did. It reached the point where there’s not one thing she didnt know about me and I don’t think there was one thing I didn’t know about her. When we played truth or dare at parties we could answer for each other, and we were communicating with silent looks.

Still, my depression was getting worse. My lonliness was getting worse. I was desperate, horrificly so, to find a boyfriend. I got in contact with a boy I met vaguely through an old friend who did youtube. I started practically harassing him. Messaging him every day, getting so sad when he wasn’t as intersted in me as I was in him. I confessed my feelings multiple times and never took the hint. I was just too desperate and it was making me even worse. Susan went to school with this guy, and she didnt’ like him (like most people at her school) and when a night came that I was going to make an attempt and messaged my friend Talia about it, having her talk me down and thanking her for it, I was terrified. Anyway a week or so later I had a party at my house and Susan came to help me get ready. I’d invited Talia but she said she wasn’t coming. Susan handed me her phone for some reason and it had been left open on her mesasges with Talia. I saw something along the lines of “I can’t come tonight I’m far too annoyed at Marc for that.”. I didn’t say anything and took it to deal with later because I didn’t want to make it look like I was snooping. I’d invited the boy and one of my new friends who was friends with him to this party as well. Susan had messaged Peter all about it saying how he should be happy he’ snot here anymore because I was just feeding this boy alcohol to try and get him drunk and there was absolutely no other beverages on offer. She said how selfish and inconsiderate I was being, and how creepy and uncomfortable for others my relationship with April was. She said I was only depressed because my mum had sheltered me and that for me to get over it I needed to have some real suffering and some real pain. Peter was forwarding all of thsi on to me, becasue he knew it wasn’t true because he knows who I am and wanted me to know that she was saying these things and wanted to hear my perspective. I was annoyed, but April was there with me and supported me 100%. I was able to keep it to myself, and I wanted to try and smooth things over with Susan and Talia. Talia wasn’t speaking to me nearly as much as normal which was very hard because I used to call her one of my best friends. Susan was still speaking to me a bit though, however she seemed much angrier. I messaged her eventually and asked “Hey, have I done anything lately to upset you or Talia?” and she said why I asked that and I just said “I just feel like I’ve perhaps done something to upset you two” and all she said to me was “Talia had a friend who killed himself and my uncle almost did so maybe you should think about that before you say anything. Anyway I have to go now.”

Things just started to boil over more and more and I was becoming angrier and angrier because as time went on Susan and Talia were actively trying to gather my friends and stage an intervention for me to cut specific people out of my life. Those people being the boy I liked, the new friend I’d made and was getting very close to, distance myself from April, and move away from my mum and sick dad. I got drunk at a party and ended up screaming at Susan as she tried to boss me around. We didn’t speak much after that but she messaged me after not speaking for months asking for us to meet up one on one. I told her no becasue it wasn’t just me she had a problem with and it wasn’t juts me that she’d hurt and we should all speak about it as a group. She instantly replied with aggression and denied ever talking about me behind my back and trying to turn people against me (I had actual screenshots of this occuring). She told me I was fake and weak and that I needed to get over myself. Then she blocked me without giving me any chance to respond.

I hung on to anger about this for so long and I’ve only very recently gotten over it. Suffice to say I’ve never spoken to either Susan or Talia again after that, which is sad because I used to consider both of them some of my best friends. Time went on, eventually I got over the boy but I’d managed to make a very good and best friend in the friend I’d re-met through him and she’s still one of my best friends to this day and one who has managed to stick wtih me all this time. I only have positive things to say about her, and if she’s reading this i know she’ll feel self concious that she’s not in this story much but that’s because I’m focusing on mostly the bad parts and the good things in the past that turned bad and she isn’t either of those things and she doesn’t mean any less to me than any of this shit that I’m writing out now. My dad’s health got worse and worse. He was in hospital a lot and he was having immense trouble breathing. During this time I actually met a boy on Tumblr and we began to date shortly after. The problem was he lived in NSW, but it alleviated my lonliness at least and I felt so happy. However it was extremely bittersweet because at the same time I had to keep it a complete secret from my family, which was difficult when our only form of communication was Skype. I had such a horrible, sickly fear that my parents would find out. I would have panic attacks over it and still to this day, even though my mum knows now, it makes me feel ill to think about it. I remember hearing dad downstairs one day, choking and trying to scream out for help. He was rushed to hospital and kept in the ER. He was strapped to oxygen machines for days. Mum was in and out all the time. I spent so much time at the hospital. Eventually the doctors told us in a roundabout way that he was dying, and he was dying within the week. He was fully aware of what was happening, and things only got worse. I sat there as his mind twisted itself around. He so desperately didn’t want to die. He would explode into panic attacks where he would cry and wail. There was no anger in these, just complete and utter horrible anguish. I’d never seen anything like it before, and I just had to sit there while mum was crying trying to calm him down and the nurses had to come and strap him to the bed. Eventually he was so sick that he couldn’t speak. He was on almost 100% oxygen and they had to drug him up so he couldn’t know what was happening. Eventually, the time came where my family told them to turn off the breathing machines, and he died within minutes. It’s then that my brother came back. He felt guilty and was trying to fix things.

Things between him and my sister couldn’t be fixed though. They didn’t speak and there was still so much hatred there.

With dad gone, mum couldn’t afford the house anymore. It was just me and her, so she had to sell it which was horrible and stressful and hard. I was suddenly having to help with all of these grown up things that i never thought I’d have to for at least a few decades. All the while I was being pushed into deciding what to do with my life and sitting on my massive fucking secret.

April was still there through all of it though. Peter was too, but not as much, he was interstate of course. My boyfriend and my new friend were there just as much as April. Harvey was there too.

Oh boy was Harvey there. He and April ended up having a uni class together, and they became closer. This lead to Harvey developing an infatution with her which she relayed to me every day. It led to her having to gently let him down, and he spent a full year hating her. Truly, viciously hating her. His attitude had changed and he was becoming more and more arrogant and self ighteous. Peter’s family had basically adopted him as their own and even they were having conversations with me and April about how horrible he was being. When this was brought to his attention, he only got worse and actively worked to bring down any of us who had a part in saying anything. I had lost all patience with him since I was told of his sexual harrassment, entitlement to women, and selfish comments, and so I was ready to cut him off completely and I made that no secret. Around this time my boyfriend actually made the move to SA, and him and April became roommates. I was absolutely terrified because I was so scared that my mum would find out about it. I was happy to have more people close to me physically, but the terror outweighed it.

April and Harvey continued speaking, although she was very vocal with me about her distaste for him and her insistence that after uni was over she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. That’s why when she told me he’d asked her to go to his house to talk, I wasn’t worried. I let her know she was free to tell him every little thing I’d said and let him know I didn’t care I’d say it to his face personally if I could. Things were never the same after that. I’ll never know what was said, but since that meeting between them, April and me were never as close as we once were. She started ignoring my messages, ditching events with me and our other friends to go and see him, actively berating things that she knew I really enjoyed amongst other things. It planted the seed of something I never thought I’d ever see between us, a lack of care and even irritability. Things got worse and worse and eventually we weren’t even friends anymore. Not just not best friends, we weren’t even friends. She was seeing Harvey so often, speaking with him all the time, doing things that we used to do, all the while Havey was making life hell for me. Punishing me in ways only a silent manipulator can. I tried to reach out and tell people what was happening but nobody believed me and I still don’t think anybody does. This only made it worse. I became angry because April had never had any reason to distrust me before, and I didn’t know why Harvey was that reason now. Eventually I cut her off, I didn’t think she was the person I once knew and I didn’t think she even liked me anymore. I felt pain whenever we spoke or saw each other. I wanted to reach out to my extremely close friend, somewhere in her and beg and plead with her not to be taken in by Harvey’s new manipulative tricks. It was too late though. I failed her, and I’d tried so fucking hard. He was still trying to get back at me though, in every way that he could, and she was enabling him to do that because she was still a aprt of my life. I had to cut her out no only for my own safety but for the safety of my remaining friends. Now I’m at the stage where I am now. Everyone left in my life has tried to leave me because I’m too much, and whenever it happens I can’t handle it. I think the moral of my life story is that I’m not, have never been, and never WILL be good enough for anything or anyone. Aside from when I was extremely young, barely walking, I haven’t been worth anything. I’ve just been a disappointment, someone to cut off, to dismiss, or to push aside. I have tried everything to be better and worth people’s investment, but it never works. I know even now those who remain close to me, all of them, are thinking about ways in which they’ll cut themselves off from me, knowing that it’s healthier for them. My boyfriend travelled overseas without me without any regrets, while I felt crushed and alone because it had always been my dream to travel with a boy I loved and who loved me to special places to see it together, but I realised I’m not worth that to anyone else. He broke up with me because even after all of these things I’ve been through my walls are absolutely rock hard and impossible to break through, and I can’t let anyone in or let anything out. He only took me back because of how unstable and volatile I am. One of the only joys in life I have left is my cat. I truly love her so much because she’s the only one who has been with me from start to present through at least the end of school shit that happened. I know she’s only an animal but to me she’s the only one I can open up with and be completely comfortable around. I am so thankful all the time that she’s with me. I know I’ll never be worth anything to anyone, and I’m finding it so fucking hard to trust again. I don’t see the point when all my days are empty and I know that once life takes away from me what I have, I’ll be ready to die. My mum still cares for me. She drives me to work because I can’t do it myself. She cooks, she washes, she helps me with things i need to do. She’s older than most, and she wont be able to do those things much longer, and I am very close with her. My emotional distress is going to become too much on top of the material support I’ll no longer have.

My cat, is a cat and as such has a much shorter lifespan than me. She will die and I have no idea when.

There is nothing for me to live for past these things. Every other person who will be in my life past those things has told me, shown me, or let me know in other ways that they will not be around in any significant way, and I know it’s because I am worthless and awful. And I can’t count on myself because all I want is to fade away. So that’s what I will do. Fucking novel. Nobody cares about my life enough to fucking ead all of this anyway lmfao.

#extremely personal #longest fucking post I've ever written #long post #like FUCKING long post #I hope the read more worked for you

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letsimportanttreecollection-blog · 7 years ago

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"Anchor general insurance?

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