#finally someone asked me about aku thank u

[sad-emo-dip-dye]

for the character asks: Beast Akutagawa?

First impression: unbearable agony, I cry thinking about canon aku but actually having to read from beast Akus perspective?! Oh that was devastating I’ll never emotionally recover

Impression now: I love him I need to wrap him up in a hug and a warm blanky he’s not evil he just doesn’t know who he is yet

Favorite Moment: when he took odas kids to parent day at school and all the other parents were afraid of him

Idea for a story: I do like the idea of them meeting their canon selves

Unpopular opinion: I’m not sure if I have one

Favorite relationship: beast sskk of course but beast aku x beast tanizaki is a close runner up

Favorite headcanon: I like to think he helps kenji with farm work a lot, it’s stress a reliever for him and he just likes hanging out together

[svnflowery]

the three times you made akutagawa blush, and the one time he acted on it — akutagawa ryuunosuke

akutagawa x gn!reader (feat. a wild gin appearance)

genre: fluff

warnings: mention of a changing room in the third one

a/n: *kicks your door down* I AM HERE YET AGAIN BRINGING YOU AKU CONTENT— okay, but i hope you like this one. we rarely get to see canon soft aku, so i'm scared of making him ooc... pls dont diss me. i hope u like this and hopefully it brings you comfort! <3

i.

the pitter-patter of the rain droplets kissing the window of your living room made for a nice background noise while you made some hot chocolate, humming softly to yourself one of the songs akutagawa had showed you the other day.

said boy was sitting on the couch, head resting against the glass and eyes closed. smiling at the sight you put extra marshmallows on his cup, knowing he loved the sweets despite him denying it every time someone else asked him about it. you put the two mugs on the windowsill, tapping your lover on the knee so he would wake up from his little nap. the sight of his cup as he woke up made him groan, remembering gin's cheeky smile when she gave it to him —the corny pun making akutagawa raise an eyebrow but he took it nonetheless— causing you to snicker while you took a blanket from the top of the sofa, sitting close to akutagawa and wrapping you two in a little blanket coccoon.

you spent the afternoon like that, forgetting about your empty mugs after a while and cuddling closer to your boyfriend, kissing him softly from his neck up until his cheek, biting it jokingly and making him jerk with a horrified expression and a deep blush resting on his pale face. after a while, you suddenly rose your head from its resting position on akutagawa's chest.

"look, aku, it's us." you giggled childishly.

"i told you to drop the nickname, you dummy..."

you pointed at the window with your chin, ignoring his comment.

there on the fog that had formed on the glass you had drawn two stick figures, —one with a little blob on its back— and a heart between them. "it's us" you grinned, looking at him. he didn't know what to say, suddenly overwhelmed with a tightness in his chest he couldn't describe. you always managed to catch him off guard, and he couldn't help but shove your head to his chest as he sniffled quietly. "you're so stupidly adorable" he muttered, and you couldn't stop the joyful giggle that came out of you, tightening your grip around his middle with your heart singing the loudest love serenades to him.

ii.

there was a distant thundering as you walked down the streets of yokohama, hand intertwined with your boyfriend's, sheltered in his coat's pocket. he was holding the umbrella while you talked his ear off, gesticulating animatedly with your free hand. he was wearing the scarf you had given him previously, the red contrasting beautifully against his black signature coat.

"i insist"

"i'm fine, you will get co—"

he got interrupted by your hands around his neck, making him blush at the sudden proximity. taking advantage of his little flustered shock, you quickly fastened your scarf comfortably around his neck. "i can manage a little cold" you smiled at him, taking his pink, soft cheek on your hand, "but you have a lung illness, aku. let me look out for my beloved, yeah?" he nodded, a bit dumbfounded, as you resumed your walk. he stayed silent after that, fighting the tears threatening to spill, for he had never been shown such thoughtfulness, especially regarding his illness. you never failed to make him feel cared for, instead of pitied like people usually did. his hold on your hand tightened, but you didn't notice.

"do you wanna stop and get something to drink? it looks like it might stop raining soon. we could wait it out!" you asked, pointing at the sky to further prove your point. akutagawa nodded with a little smile, noticing your reddened nose and giving it a quick, featherly kiss. blinking, the warmth spread to your whole face, a sudden shyness invading you.

iii.

"i'm not sure about this—"

"hurry up, i wanna see!"

"just shush and come out already!"

akutagawa put his face on his hands, sighing deeply.

he was currently on a changing booth, hiding from your and gin's curious eyes behind the courtains. you three had gone shopping, much to akutagawa's dismay, as kouyou had semi-forced the port mafia to attend yokohama's summer festival, insisting on everyone wearing traditional clothing to get the full experience.

he could already feel you both starting to rush him again, so he just ripped the courtain open, wanting to get this over with. he crossed his arms and looked to the side, huffing.

"handsome as expected!"

"you look amazing!"

he grunted, finally looking at you both, the tip of his ears quickly reddening at the praising words he would never get used to hearing.

after him it was gin's turn, and he looked with soft eyes as you drowned his little sister in compliments, the poor girl a stuttering mess as you held her hands and twirled her around. "you're gonna be the star of the festival!" you exclaimed, attracting some attention to you both and almost making gin pass out from all the attention.

gin excused herself after that, going to get some water to calm herself (and to hide from the other costumer's eyes, who were amazed at her beauty) while you changed into your chosen piece of garment. it fit you well, and you felt beautiful in it, smiling at your reflection. as you came out, you saw akutagawa's eyes comically widening as he covered his face with a poor attempt of a cough, not-really-sneakily looking you up and down before adverting his gaze.

"so?" you twirled slowly, showing him the fit, and posing a bit awkwardly at the end. "what do you think?"

he muttered something but you couldn't hear it since he was covering his mouth, so you came closer to him, asking to repeat it again.

"i-i said you look. you look. um..." he stuttered trying to come up with the right words, making you giggle as you pecked his nose. "i take it as you like it, then" you whispered teasingly, but before you could stand up, he grabbed your face a bit roughly and kissed you, clumsily bumping his nose with yours, breaking apart with shaking hands. "you— you look stunning" he said, looking so deeply into your eyes that you had to break apart, covering your face. "u-uh. thank you, aku." it came out as a squeal for he had caught you completely out of guard with such a rare blatant public display of affection. you two looked really cute, though, and from the corner of your eye you could see gin standing there, giving you a thumbs up.

[shadyteacup]

AHH CONGRATS ON 300+ followers 🥳!! you deserve everything and more bc your work is amazing <33

can i request fluff prompt #5 with akutagawa 😏?

Jsksksks thanks bestie!♡

Some Aku fluff coming right up!

“I’ll carry you if you’re tired.” + Akutagawa Ryunosuke

Warnings: fluff, mentions of spanking😏 but nothing serious, dw

Word count: 653

You sat down after a long day of running around. Being in the mafia certainly had its perks, but it had many downsides too. You had been chasing a small organisation ever since the morning, and only now were you successful in catching them. It was 5pm right now, which meant that you’d been on your feet for about eight hours. Groaning, you placed your face in your palm, too tired to pack up your things and go home. Without realising it, you fell asleep.

...

Akutagawa had spent the past few minutes trying to contact you. Your phone was switched off; he figured it was probably dead. You almost never switched your phone off. He asked a few subordinates about your whereabouts, but only got an unclear idea about your day. They all knew that you’d had a hectic day, so they concluded that you must be at home. But Akutagawa knew better. He knew that you never went home without him. One time, when he had gone home without you, you had cried and assumed that he didn’t love you. Ever since then, there was an unspoken rule between you both that neither of you left the other behind.

Sighing, he walked the long halls of the mafia floors in an attempt to get to your office. It was so unfair that your offices were on the opposite sides of the building. It didn’t help that the building is so damn huge, either. Huffing, he sped up, eager to meet you. To all the passing mafiosi, he seemed like an angry mafia man, racing forward to punish someone. They shuddered at his serious expression. The dark coat fluttered around his speedily moving form, giving him an ominous aura.

Finally reaching you door, he knocked once, only to hear no reply. He furrowed his brows, worried. If you’re not here, then where the hell are you?

Akutagawa isn’t one to invade someone’s privacy, and he avoids barging into your office unannounced. But the situation called for it. What if you’re in trouble and have left a message or a clue for him? He hurriedly pushed the doors open.

Rushing in, he halted in his steps.

There, on your desk, laid your sleeping form. Your soft snores made him smile slightly at how cute and vulnerable you looked.

“Is this the same person that slaughtered 400 men today?”, he wondered out loud.

His voice stirred you awake. Blinking at him, you yawned.

“Ryu! What time is it?”, you asked him, rubbing your eyes. When you finally regained clear vision, you spread your arms wide, gesturing for him to give you a well-deserved hug.

He chuckled, walking over to you and crouching to meet your eyelevel.

He kissed you sweetly, then placed your head on his chest.

“Tired?”

You hummed in agreement.

“Let’s go home.”

He got up, pulling you with him. Helping you pack up, he began walking out the door, only to realise that you weren’t following him.

Glancing back, he watched as you half rested on the edge of the desk and suppressed a yawn behind your palm.

“I’ll carry you if you’re tired.”, he said, already making his way towards you.

“No, its fine, I can walk myself home!”

“You don’t seem fine.”

You huff, crossing your arms.

“You look exhausted, Y/N.”

“Your charming words flatter me, Mr. Executive.”

Rolling his eyes, he threw you over his shoulders.

“Whoa!”

He picked up your bag in his free hand, making his way outside your office.

“Who would’ve thought that the Akutagawa Ryunosuke has gone soft.”

He grunted, “Shut up, or I’ll drop your pretty ass on the pavement.”

You gasped.

“I knew you liked my ass!”

“Y/N, I spank it every night. Of course, I like your ass.”

“Sh-shut up! Your mouth is so filthy!”

“Make me.”

“What?”

“Make me shut up.”

You smirked.

“Challenge accepted. Let’s get home first.”

Jsksks I hope u liked it!

[animepreferences]

P R E F E R E N C E # 13 - P I L L O W T A L K

-

A K U T U G A W A

“Aku, can I ask you a legitimate question?” You would inquire timidly, your voice meek and frail. “Of course.” He would murmur in response, the softness in his voice filling the suppressed silence in the room. Although the room had been swallowed in an impregnable, numbing darkness, both you and Akutugawa would lie awake, your bodies entwined in an intricate tangle. Furthermore, you had given up on sleeping hours ago, your conversation seemingly never ending. “Do you really love me? Do you really see a future with us?” Your voice was barely above a whisper, your cheeks turning crimson. You were thankful for the darkness in the room, for it hid your abashed facial expression. You knew you shouldn’t be asking this question. Out of the multitude of times he had reassured you that he loved you, you knew all too well that you were completely ridiculous for asking, and yet you still did. Why couldn’t you grasp the concept? Why couldn’t you just realize o that he really, truly did love you? “Y/N.” Aku would finally sigh, his voice disapproving yet understanding. He knew your struggles. He knew you all too well. And where he was far from perfect, he loved you greatly. And, quite frankly, since he met you he had became a better person and that’s all he ever wanted to do. You deserved nothing but the best. Constricting his arms tighter around your body, Aku would kiss your head for a few lingering moments. “If there is no you, there is no me. I plan to spend the end of my days with you. There is simply no other way. I love you more than I’ll ever be able to show you.” A ragged gasp would slip from your lips, your eyes slipping closed in elation. “Thank you.” You would breathe, your head nuzzling against the crook of his neck, relief trickling through your veins. “And I know you are probably feeling guilty because you asked, but please know I’ll tell you I’ll love you a million times if I have to. My heart is yours and yours only.” Finding your lips somewhere in the dark, he would silence your racing thoughts with a tender kiss to your lips. These late nights were nights you cherished the most.

-

D A Z A I

Your body would involuntarily launch forward, your breathing shallow, your body covered in a sheen layer of sweat. You could feel your heart slamming against your ribs, yours hands clawing at your chest desperate for any relief you could find. “Shhh, it was just another nightmare, love. You’re safe.” Jumping as two arms pulled you back, you would remain tense even after Dazai would reach over and turn on the bedside lamp. Even though the light made things a little less alarming, you would still struggle to come back down to reality, your pounding heart being a reminder of that. “Breathe with me.” Grasping his hand in yours, Dazai would inhale slowly then exhale encouraging you to calm yourself. Where it was difficult to get you to breath, it was not impossible and Dazai was patient as he completed the breathing exercises with you. This was something you always loved about him; he never gave up on you. “It’s that damn green snake.” You would mutter, sitting up as you rubbed your temples. “Green snake?” Dazai would inquire sitting up with you as he rubbed your shoulders from behind. “Yeah. When I was younger and I was under a great deal of stress, I would have a dream that a never ending green snake would be slithering under my porch. I use to scare the crud out of my family screaming every night about it. Good to know I can carry on the good legend by scaring the bejesus out of my boyfriend.” Chuckling humorlessly, you would shake your head pinching the space between your eyes. Great. Why had you just told him this? Little did you know that Dazai was smirking behind you, his heart swelling with adoration. “Belladonna, I’m not entirely sure if this is coincidental or not, but I actually use to be a snake slayer of the green variety.” Grabbing a pillow you would turn to face him, smacking him gently in the face with it as you rolled your eyes.

“Shut up.”

“It’s true. I, Osamu Dazai, use to pride myself in being Yokohama’s number one green snake slayer. Which means, as of right now, you are with the safest person you could possibly be with.” Pulling you into a bone crushing hug, you wouldn’t be able to stifle your giggle as his lips pressed against the crown of your head. You wanted to be mad at him for mocking you, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to. Why did he have to be so damn charming? “But in all reality, Y/N. I will always protect you nightmare or reality. And when you lay your head over my heart to fall asleep every night, I hope you know that it beats for you and you only. These nightmares may be temporary, but know that my protectiveness over you is eternal.” Stroking your hair softly, your heart would slow back down to a steady pace, your breathing evening out. You knew all of this to be true, but hearing it would bring you the smallest shred of relief. How did Dazai somehow manage to make everything better?

-

C H U U Y A

“I know I come off as confident, I know I am powerful, but sometimes I truthfully feel a little insecure.” His words would be slow, his hand lazily stroking through your tangled locks. “Chuuya.” You would muse, your chest tight as you rested your chin on his bare chest, your eyes sad. Chuuya had never displayed this side of himself to you. Perhaps his mind was still hazy from the raging intercourse you had just engaged in, perhaps he was finally allowing his guard to tumble down around him. Either way, you were enjoying this side of him. Even if it did make you sad. “Chuuya. You are so handsome, truly debonair.” Raising your hand to run your fingertips down his cheek, he would twist his mouth in chagrin, his eyes wondering anywhere but your own. “Don’t be embarrassed. You know you are allowed to feel insecure, right?” Finally locking eyes with you, he would reach his own hand to run through your bangs, his eyes soft and gentle. “Y’know, it’s this misconception among genders that men aren’t allowed to feel insecure. That men are expected to lift their girl up and to be strong at all times. I’m telling you right now that that’s horse shit. Chuuya, you have every single right to feel this way and to embrace it. In fact, I want you to talk to me about it. I want to lift you up the same way you lift me up,” Propping himself up on his elbows, he would stare wide eyed at you struggling for the right words to say. Furthermore, he had never in a life had someone tell him this. His whole life, he was expected to be strong and dependable. His whole life, he was expected to be a leader before he could even fully grasp his powers himself. Never had he let his guard down this way, and had someone tell him that it was okay to be soft. Where it was something he didn’t want to get himself in the habit of feeling, it felt nice to know that his thoughts were safe with you. “You are amazing, you know that? I mean, seriously, Y/N.” Sitting up completely he would ogle at you, his eyes sparkling with wonder. “And you are beautiful. And intelligent. And strong. Everything about you. Those eyes, that nose, that smile, all of you. It is all perfect.” Giving you a chaste kiss on the lips, your eyes would widen before closing slowly, melting into the passionate kiss. “Just don’t forget who’s the boss after you’re done showering me with compliments.” Chuuya would joke, his laughter gentle. “Oh, hush, you gorgeous, ravishing man.”

-

A T S U S H I

His careful eyes would drink in your every move. Trembling as the rain began to pour harder against the windows, jumping at the smallest rumbles of thunder, wincing whenever the lightening strike was particularly bright; you were afraid. Very afraid. It was odd, seeing you in this light. It was odd seeing you trying to conceal your feelings when typically you were an open book. Were you embarrassed? Perhaps, you didn’t want Atsushi to know. Perhaps, you didn’t normally tell people this, but honestly did you really think he’d care? “Atsushi, you’re so deep in thought.” You would muse, poking at his cheek playfully. “I can always tell when you’re thinking hard because you furrow your eyebrows and you purse your lips.” Brushing your fingertips over his lips, you would smile up at him as he nuzzled his nose against yours giving you an Eskimo kiss. “I was just thinking the same thing about you, Y/N.” Atsushi would say a little sheepishly, taking in your baffled expression carefully. “You don’t like storms do you?” Punctuating his inquiry perfectly, a loud crack of thunder would send you trembling under his arm, clutching onto him tighter than you were before. “I guess I’m busted.” You would sigh, looking up at him with red cheeks. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about, you know that, right? Your feelings are understandable, storms can be destructive and alarming.” Stroking his fingers through your hair with one hand, he would rub circles into your back with the other knowing that this was what typically calmed you down when you were anxious. “I know I don’t have the ability to control the elements, but I do have the ability to make you feel safe and I will always make sure I’m doing everything I can to make sure that you feel safe whenever you’re with me. I promise you that.” Kissing the top of your head, you would bury yourself deep in his chest settling into his warm embrace. “As long as your arms are around me, Atsushi, I will always feel safe.”

[shytiff]

Feb 2021 Wins

1 - osce study with clara almira, tryout 9 fkui, tryout review with clar, study sesh with clara that finished at about 10 pm. watched some youtube vids together til 11:15 pm. no longer sleepy, so i made my cv and finished it at about 3 in the morning lmao, bcs i saw this interning opportunity and i was like “damn i should make my cv”

2 - woke up at 7 am, didnt shower lmao, off to kiara for vaccination. Waited for a bit and i finally got it. ate mamdaging pesto rice with beef at kamkan w/ ren ness ara akisyah. talked at studied osce a bit. waited for mom to pick me up. until when do i need someone else to pick me up. i feel helpless and i hate that i cant just ride my motorbike because its too tiring. went back and dad got mad at me bcs i didnt greet him when leaving and entering the house. I truly didnt see him when i entered even though i heard sumn lmao. He said sumn along the lines of "you can always leave if u dont like me" (which is lowkey appealing). I cried bcs i felt sad and annoyed with our terrible emotional parent-daughter relationship. Hold the tears for a bit to study with clara. Darkened the room and slept still in my going-out clothes. I did not shower today lmao,,,,

3 - woke up at 10 am. Tryout and review w clara. Psych coaching. Psych practice with irun. Called lau and dajen bcs hes leving to medan. Randomly checked my email and my intern submission, which i emailed yesterday, that turns out the doctor replied at 8pm yesterday asking for interview today 11 am. And i saw it @ 6 pm. Aka super late. The stupidest thing ive ever done in FKUI. No cap. :( i panicked and it gave me a reason to talk with dad (asking how to reply) so i guess its a form of effort to banish the awkwardness between us. Studied w clara. I hope the doctor can forgive me. Its one loose end after the other lately.

4 - went to starbucks with atikah. got treated matcha latte yayy. cicil osce. called clara to learn imunisasi. went to kaleyo w atikah clara, ate bebek muda cabe ijo yumm. talked abt a lot of things in a span of 1-2 hours. we’re all pragmatist lmaoo. 

5 - osce briefing, DV osce practice w irun, watched run bts again lmaoo since knowing my osce schedule is thursday. read buku osce biru. 

6 - slept and lazed around til 1 pm. went to flavola since the construction was so noisy. osce simulation with UKMPPD Wibu. turns out flavola’s siomay is very fulfilling.

7 - todays construction noise escape is jco. Bought jcool double with almonds and chocolate crunchy. A bit of psych practice w aisyah. After maghrib practiced neuro w irun

8 - had no mood to study in the morning. Went to flavola, kopsusss coklat as usual. Reviewed osce materials (theres some tea about what might come out). Reviewed again at home (even tho i procrastinated from 6-9pm). Asked my bro for some ovo bcs i bought a mini keyboard in tokped lmaoooooo so random

9 - went to merra (ara and nessa’s place) but mom drove dad to the airport first. stome osce study, group consolidation for osce, tried mad bagel (the garlic cream cheese and tuna salad). the bagel was quite dense and fulfilling. the garlic cream cheese is quite heavy. arrived at home by 9 pm, went straight to sleep

10 - omg dr eva contacted me again :”) and i got the chance to be ecmocard research assistant. osce study. line call with ara. matcha latte. studied in juan’s room bcs it was so noisy. the keyboard i ordered arrived lolll cant wait to try. i dont know if its the anxiety or fear but i cant sleep and forced myself to sleep 11pm-ish

11 - osce. Went early to learn sumn more w ara tri. Osce (i forgot opv for the 5 mo old baby in peds station 😭 there was dr yogi omg) prayed zuhur and ashar in merra while waiting for pick up (i rly wish i could just bring my own vehicle but motorbike is rly tiring). Finally tried the mini keyboard, with earphones on. Practiced the song aku bukan untukmu by rossa lmao bu sihar taught us that in 33. I felt rly excited and not sleepy afterwards (that "normal" feeling with nothing looming). Its been a while since i tried something new, voluntarily. I guess its kind of what i felt when i tried the korean duolingo. That lasted for a couple months. Lets see how this keyboard thingy goes

12 - finally finished reviewing to oneshot (took ages lmao). Lazed around

13 - inten ukmppd w ness ren ara @ merraaa always. Went through 5 pdfs. Tried fastfit chicken burger and sweet potato fries. Quite fulfilling. Went back home and straight to bed (didnt eat anymore)

14 - started my day late as usual on weekdays lmaoo. flavola kopsus coklat as usual at my usual seat facing the window. did padi final tryout, score: 69. booty call with fianti, did mindset tryout, got 76,5.

15 - lazed tilll i start my day as usual @ 11-ish. Reviewed to padi final answers. Wow it sure took some damn time. My attention span is rly horrible when im alone in my room

16 - second dose of vaccine today. the rain was POURING. mom and emir waited in mcd. read half of aipki citation. 

17 - finished aipki citation, read CBT 2020 batch I and 2019 batch III questions. read a fantastic slow burn dramione fic. reviewed the last to solid.

18 - accompanied clara for swab antigen near airport train station (we came with motorbike since clara’s car was used). got called over by the police bcs we were in the car-only road lmaooo. went over optima tryout 2021. 

19 - cicil ukmppd at flavola with the usual menu, read some more afterwards

20 - ended up going to tamel bcs the flood in tb simatupang toll. Stayed w nessa and henny. Ate garlic carbonara spaghetti by bittersweet najla. Quite good for the price. Went over mediko questions with nessa and first session citation. Atikah sent some krispy kreme donuts 🥺🥺

21 - woke up at 4 bcs henny and nessa already did. Ate cold kanayam for bfast. Did ukmppd. I flagged quite a lot of questions huaa. I hope i can pass, aamiin. Went to tamel to get stuff (nebeng oca uye), climbed jembor to get to akis et al. Went to aeon (super crowded tffff), followed by ikea (parked at decathlon). Ate at both places (shared portion w kris lmaoo we get full quick). Aeon sushi and ikea meatball. So fulll. Went out of ikea to be briefed by dr Debby (ecmocard) and put my stuff to mom's car. Went in ikea again. And finally we went back. such a good sleep yall

22 - relaxed and i mean RELAXXXED. woke up and slept again. showered to prepare to go to harkit for intern briefing. i was late (thanks daan mogot road) and had to grabbike from untar. put on some sheet mask (natrep rose) bcs im realizing i need to fix my face and look decent for this new environment lmaoo.

23 - left home at 7 am, went through highway (i aint repeating daan mogot tragedy again). walked a bit backwards bcs the hightway exit was infront of dharmais. super slow progress on entering medical datas. took half a day to get one. and another half for the other. ate marugame udon, somay, chicken katsu and otak otak. we finished after maghrib and im writing this while waiting for mom

24 -  tried salted egg dori rice from salt inc. its quite salty and eneg inducing (a bit more than eatlah), but for the price (19k after cashback) i wont complain. Went back home before maghrib but there was still some medical record stuff i did in my room.

25 - magang as usual. Tried chicken egg salad from salad hut. Bought ice french hazelnut coffee from lawson coz i just cant take it anymore (the slump and sleepyness). I feel like the moment that sugary beverage enters my system i rise like a freshly watered plant. First meeting with dr eva and the others

26 - felt so tired even in the morning. Its 9 am and im already ordering janjiw coffee (with hazelnut and milo, quite sweet. Like a mix of kopiko and milo). Slow progress today i dunno why. Lunch is nayam rica2 and egg for 21k. Went back home by tj and mom picked me at gajah 2

27 - i hate to say this but bcs for 5 days now ive been fighting sleeping instincts, i snap out of sleepiness easier in the morning. Nasi uduk for brekkie. Moved some stuff up bcs the noise, played keyboard. Learned the (difficult) chords to tyler's see you again and im feeling satisfied. Went to racheel's place. Got fed chicken noodle. And then off to silvi's with devi also. Got fed chicken rice and dimsum. Thanks to friends im eating superwell today🥺

28 - relaxed at home. Skipped breakfast bcs i fell asleep and ate heartily in the afternoon. Evening run w racheel at citra 6

[readbetweentheselines]

Exactly a year ago and probably until now, I never thought that I would see you the way I see you today. We surely didn’t experience “love at the first sight”, we barely speak, hangouts together, except when you greet me at the Church on Sunday, except when you ask me to come to youth fellowship, except when you try to approach me to be more involved in the youth activities. Yes, until now sometimes I regret that I blow all those chances to get to know you back then.

It was on the beginning of 2018 when I decided to come to youth fellowship more often. It was not because of you of course but I guess it was the moment when our story begins. Last night you asked me what have been changed in this past year, here is my answer in a long-complicated-kind of romantic way (well if it’s not, at least I tried ok?) 🙂

On March 2018 (approximately, based on Instagram) this youth fellowship had an outbound event. We were in the same group, what a coincidence right? But I see you as Wilem the Ketua PKMB and an older guy who lead this group. I reminisce that moment and realized how we were so close yet so far. (yea u kno why.)

Later on, you asked me to join as pengurus in this certain organization, popularly known as PKMB (so I won’t mention youth fellowship again) and I was like “Wow this is so exciting!” (re: No. I just want to impress you) so I replied you accordingly by saying yes. Did you doubt me at that moment? Maybe. Because as I remembered, it didn’t take hours to reply you like I always did. Anyway thank you for trusting me, because due to our lack of convo, it was the right decision to not to trust me on such a big responsibility because you know me like zero, but I guess my CV was credible enough for you.

At that moment, our convo and our meetings are increased as we should prepare for fellowship event every week and others PKMB activity. One of our convo probably was like:

“De dea. Minggu ini jadi pj bisa nda?” or “De dea. Minggu ini jadi pj gantiin Angel bisa nda?”

10 hours later, after 9 hours saw that chat from the pop-up notification.

“Sorry baru bales Mas. Aku bisa.”

Dea loves being on time (and Wilem too) but instead at the meeting for arrange schedule and PIC for PKMB, I admit that I avoided for being on time because I was too shy and too awkward to have a convo with only Wilem 😊 [DEA’S TOP SECRET] I didn’t know why I acted that way when it comes to seeing you. I always got insecure every time you questioned me because Wilem always has questions about anything, every time, everywhere.

After that, nothing is special. We followed the routine as pengurus, when without you knowing, I secretly observe, notice and pay attention to you. I came up with this conclusion that you are a truly nice and caring person who took care everything and anybody, from that moment I started to take more responsibility to lighten up your burden to run PKMB. I became a “Yes-girl” ((noun) a girl who says yes when someone ask her for a help).

On September PKMB had this fellowship trip event. Prior to that event we should prepare a place. First we went to Emalta, at that time again I was too shy and too awkward to let you pick me up. Hehe. Hehe. So I took Pandu with me. [ANOTHER DEA’S TOP SECRET] I think you realized that I probably have been repeating this “too shy and too awkward to let you pick me up” thing for many times.

“Padahal rumah mu kan juga di Jalan Kaliurang De.” Just. Don’t. Ask.

SO. Fellowship trip event.

“Wilem sama Dea aja. Kan pas tuh bonceng-boncengan.”

I finally let you drove me to the beach. Thank you. Thank you for making those 4 hours round trip became not-so-awkward and for listening to my story. I admit that I’ve been prepared being asked for many questions by you hahahaha. That was the first time I sat on the backseat of the motorbike that you drive and no of course I didn’t hug you from behind. I held on the backseat of the motorbike, which if I do that now you’ll be pissed 🙂

“Kayak sama tukang ojek aja”.

But in fact you are my mas ojek, right? Because you drive me crazy everyday 😊😊😊

Thank God I didn’t fell down because “De kita agak ngebut gakpapa ya.” You were such a gentleman for ask those permission!

That was such a new experience for me, because I’ve been too independent back then, that I won’t let anyone (preferably boys) to drive me wkwkwk. It was fun though, riding a motorbike with you, talking about my wishes and future. Now I realize it soothed my thoughts and brain and burden as a final year student struggling on finishing my thesis. You reminded me to be relax for once.

“Kayaknya bisa diprospek nih”, was it something in your mind when you decided to make your move towards me? Because if I’m not mistaken, everything was started at that time after the beach.

My thesis defense, you were there, with your fav tee and those scary beard.

“Temen kamu tuh kayak Alex Abad De”

We took a picture, the first picture ever taken together!

After my thesis defense, texting had become our routine, every day, that one day I felt weird when you didn’t text me. Maybe that was the time when I feel that I need you more than just before.

“Eh De. Clean or with beard?”

What should I answer mas? WKWKWK I was too polite to say I don’t quite like your beard that way, but in other thought, I remembered I used to go crazy with boys with beard (re: fan girl-ing). You should google Paul DiGiovanni, Martin Johnson, Alex Gaskarth and Jack Barakat. (waktu dan tempat dipersilakan).

“With beard is okay, asalkan rapi”.

I honestly don’t know what were you headed to that time, but all I know was you are such a nice person and I could be wrong if I have this certain feeling towards you. But at the same time I enjoyed every moment with you. I think you have broken my wall.

It was dawn, 4 a.m maybe when you suddenly asked me to video-call me.

Deg-degan tau gak sih. Telponan nggak pernah, eh ini video call!!!!!!

“De, mau nggak lebih dari temen?” (Wilem gengsi mode)

“Wait. What? so this is real?” that was me inside my head, but what you saw was Dea kaget dan melotot. I felt relieved “Okay Dea, it is safe for you now. But don’t be easy.”

Hahahaha okay so later on, for about 2 or 3 weeks we let everybody wonder what was going on between us, until it become so awkward.

“Jadi aku kalo ditanya harus jawab apa?”

“Terserah.”

Long story short, at the midnight of 10 November 2019

“Jadi sekarang pacaran nih”

“Iya dong.”

Something moved me to have a commitment with you.

The beginning of our relationship was hard. You didn’t have my mom’s blessing, we were about to face long distance relationship, I was shadowed by my past then it threatens you, I was having a transition where I become “tidak terlalu ekspresif dalam pacaran”, you were so so SO gengsian, and all those tiny, small, big, huge, giant rocks on our relationship, but look? We survived a goddamn year 🤗💖

You are exactly the person I need after suffered for couples of breakup, you are the best, the most mature, the gentlest, the most kind hearted one (cry).

I was SO HAPPY when you moved to Jakarta. I never know how my life in Jabodetabek without you. I will still alive, ok? Hahah but with you, it is much better because I am complete.

We are the better person now, and will be even better person for each other every day. Such a simple sentence but it is enough to express how grateful I am and describe what’s been change in this past year.

I love you, mas. You already knew it. Happy anniversary, hope this enough to appreciate yesterday’s effort. You are the best boyfriend ever 😭💖

[thedopesloth]

THE WORLD STILL HAVE MANY GOOD PEOPLE.

So, a few days ago, to be exact on Wednesday, May 8th 2019, morning around 7.15am, i was on my way to Pagoh. had to drive early because i had morning class. that moment, i was so happy listening to music (and singing to) to deny the fact that i wish i was still fast asleep on my bed at home. Then, suddenly, on the slow traffic "sszzup" bergesel dngn the car next to mine, which is the aunt's car. felt like, my heart just stopped beating for a sec— Shit not again!

and yep, the emergency light from her car lights up so i slowly goes to her lane and drove behind her car. she stopped in the middle of the traffic, thought it wasnt a brilliant idea. i mean, its in the middle of the road, anything could happen. Not wanting to make the case even worse so, i rolled down my window and gave hand sign to stop at the side of the road. so, she moved and i followed her behind. im no newbie in accidents lol can say, i can handle things myself now. it seemed like she didnt wanna stop, i could just take over her car and left but my parents raised me good enough for me not to do so. i gave her high beam then she stopped. Since i was in rush, came out of the car and she did too, and the first thing i said was "sorry", the aunt seemed clueless bout what just happened, terkejut kot, so i said "boleh tak saya tinggalkan nombor, and we'll just settle things through phone sbb saya in rush to class, minta maaf" and the makcik take a quick look at my car and hers and said, "ni tak kemek, gesel je ni, ok ada kertas?". rushed to my car and took out my pencil case and a cut of paper i tore from the assigment sheets i need to submit that day!!! thats all i have.

alot of mistakes the makcik made that could resulted her paying for the accident herself. if it was someone else maybe. (1)she didnt even ask for my ic or anything, and only phone number? i could give her anyone else phone number (2)not taking any picture from the accident. i could just twist the accident, manada witness. (3) no nothing. takda apa apa assurance, no photo, no photo of my driving license or ic taken. kalau i was a licenseless driver.. banyakla to list out. but above all, i have many chances to escape but what would that made me? plus the makcik has a similar look to my mom (sis tak sampai hati nak buat jahat, mcm buat jahat kat mak sendiri pulak).

long story short, so she gave her number and i gave her mine and ayah's. then, we took a seperate paths. it was so quick, nothing really fond. sbb for me its just scratches, no dent, semua boleh settle la. tapi, ye la i have to own up to my mistake and be responsible. so as soon as i have arrived to class, i MESSAGED her OKAY!! sangat noob and she replied on whatsapp terus. kau tngk aku yng noob sbnrnya bukan makcik tu. so, through whatsapp we settled things nicely la. nasib acik tu bukan the gelabah gelabah one, and bukan jenis nak mengeruhkan lagi keadaan, so everything settled smoothly. asked her living area and suggested her to send her car to our trusted workshop since its near her living area. then dah set apa semua, pagi smlm i bangun tidur around 12pm sbb lepas sahur pukul 4am tidur (DAHLA AKU TERTINGGAL SUBH ASTARGHFIRULLAH!!!) and got a ws notification. terkejut sis, tiba tiba wehh. i s2g, sis nangis sikit sbb baiknya acik ni, i mean, she could just make me pay, no problem, i understand its my mistake tapi... :")))) so thats all about it. i guess its true, kindness do bring you somewhere in this life, maybe, not necessarily all the time but it does benefit u in some ways. im just so thankful to Allah and to the makcik for the mercy. this is probably the berkat from my family's deed to anyone and not mine. im no nice, not even close.. i dont deserve this sort of thing. but anyways, im thankful, that its settled now. so i can just focus on my finals, hell lots of assignments, projects havent finished. aku rasa mati pun belum tentu habisla semua ni haa takpela student life mmng mcm ni kot. and another is, i feel like a grown up sbb 98% was settled by myself, only a little help from my brother, dealing with the workshop.

Dont get me wrong, not that im afraid to let my parents know, i just dont want them to be worried, its just a minor problem. plus, im big enough to pay for my own mistake. my parents have spent so much on me, countless minor accidents, car maintenance, speeding summons (which dah reach up to rm1800!) im not exaggerating. so i decided, ill pay by myself this time but still, i update things to my parents. my mom insisted to pay but nahh i said what i said. and yep, the end—MAY12th 2019

[ashesofeternity]

Hey. Hey. My phone won't let me send all the symbols so guess what. Here's me saying all the symbols for that song ask thing.

aLRIGHT HERE WE GO READ MORE BECAUSE I’M A FUCK AND LIKE TO PUT IN LYRICS  AND ALSO SORRY THIS IS L A T E

🌧 - song for a rainy day

The first one that came to mind was Valkyries (Blind Guardian), because it literally starts with the sound of rain, but now I’ve realised there’s a much better song for this technically

The Edge ~ Blind Guardian

This is the edge now, it’s all we’re living forRAIN ON ME Love you’ll rain on meAnd at the end I boast in the cross and nowLove reigns -The god incarnation I’ve shaped

🌚 - song for when i’m feeling nervous

Rain or Shine ~ ELISA (I’m not putting lyrics because the best part is just the lalalala t b h)

🔥 - song that pumps me upNot in a million years will my answer to this one change g od I love grimgar

Sudden Storm ~ (K)NoW_NAME

Wonder where I’ll go from here, in this battlefieldBut I know that…I will shout till all is burnt and sweptI’ll bring the fire in and drainI wanna hear you screaming for my name(C'mon show me what you got)Singin in the fameEven when the future’s grayI’ll shine my sword to show and lead the way(Fightin’ till I win, time’s tickin’, better start runnin’ for your life,I don’t care about a war crime)Dust and ashes are the sameThe savage wars will never endThe blood I shed will turn to soil and blendNothing’s gonna stop my blade from slaying themI’ll keep my faith 

🍂 - song that helps me calm down 

 Soshite… Ikinasai

Hito wa yume kara umareta ikimonoAozora ga konna ni setsunai nante?Kako mo mirai mo mabataki hitotsu noMijikai inochi to shitteru karaToki yo… Umarekawattara hitoharu no hana de iiSoshite ikinasaisoshite aisareteRururu rurururururu Rururu rurururururu rurururururu Soshite nakinasaiSoshite chirinasai

🌊 - song for a day at the beach

Race the Seas ~ Solar Fragment

Only your picture will keep me saneI can see the prints of your feet on the beachbut at every spotthey are leading away from meand I fear that with a splashing wavethey are drawn back to the seaI have to race the seas to regain my honorto be worthy of loving you, my brideAnd then the tide will rise againbut you’re out of sightSo for a while I’ll rest here by the shoreuntil my future will recur

⭐️ - song i’ll listen to on repeat

Look, now, there’s so fucking many lmao. Right now it’s the entire Rome Burns album, but I’m gonna pick (because I Am The King doesn’t have official lyrics)…The Final War ~ Imperivm

My name is AntonyI fight for love in the sands of Egypt […]This is the final act, the last battle against the traitorFor you, my Egyptian queenWho are close to me… Here in my armsThe last ray of sun before darknessThe last ray of sun for freedomThe last ray of sun, save the Republic againstThe usurper that caused final warThe last real hope not succumbingThe last real hope of survivalThe last real hope before our suicideThe traitor that caused final war

🌠 - song that’s special to me

disillusion ~ Tainaka Sachi (god I love fate)

Yume ni mite ita Ano hi no kage ni Todokanai sakebi

Asu no jibun wa Nante egaite mo Kienai negai ni nureru

Kobore ochiru kakera wo Tsukamu sono te deYureru kokoro kakaete Tobikonde ike yoru heDareka wo ate ni shite moMotomeru mono ja nai no dakaraHontou no jibun wa koko ni irutteMe wo tojite inaide

☂ - song for when i’m feeling sad

there’s so many I’m trying to balance them out here between the sad asks asdkljaslkdjaslkd here have the saddest one

Life ~ Nene

Asa gakurebaTaiyou ganoboriyukuKoko nikoko niWatashi wairu yoKokoro karaai suru kotoKibou no hikarini naru

Subete wodakishimeHito waikiteku

IWantToSeeYouAgainYoru ninarebaHoshi gamatataiteyuku

Koko nikoko niWatashi wairu yo

🙂 - song that makes me smile

STARTING NOW! ~ Nana Mizuki

Tatoeba, hitotsu dake negai ga kanau nara (1, 2, 3, Go)Sekaijuu maki konde waraeru koi ga shitai (Get ready for a happy time)

Unmei nante kuuran darakeFuhen wo buchi yabure! (Now’s your chance)

STARTING NOW! STARTING NOW!!Kaitaku no seimeiSTARTING NOW! STARTING NOW!!Kizuiteiru desho?Zenryoku wo shitta mono dake furerareru yume ga aru

JUMPING UP! JUMPING UP!!JUMPING UP! JUMPING UP!!Ashita wo tsukuri daseru no wa dare demo nai, bokura da

💔 - song for a heartbreak

ok don’t shame me but, well, it’s about Tristan (and I don’t understand shit of the lyrics tbh lmao but I can feel it)

The Maiden And The Minstrel Knight ~ Blind Guardian

Yesterday’s memories and melodiesAre gone with the wind, so sadSnow-white her hands and golden her hairBut she’s not the oneOut in the emptiness where everything’s paleThere is no sign of you, I’m aloneHow I wish you would be here, I’m aloneTelling me it’s alright, come rest (your head)Come rest your headCome rest your headCome rest your headCome rest your headI’m alone and sadness reigns in my heartAs long as we live it won’t go awayWe are one but torn apartWill you still wait for me?Will you still cry for me?Come and take my handWill you still wait for me?Will you still cry for me?Come and take my handProudly it standsUntil the world’s endThe victorious banner of love

🎉 - song to party to

the entire Korpiklaani discography but that’s unfair so let’s pretend Korpiklaani doesn’t exist for a second and

Flyers ~ BRADIO

Everybody, put your hands upsou flying, tsubasa ni naremitemitai na muchuu ni nareru kimiimada seichouki shinsekai e

Everybody, put your hands upsou flying, sono imeeji dekitto nareru sa naritai jibun nisagase You’re the one oobutai e

Flyin’ wasureteta (Flyin)’ kioku no naka demou ichido mune no takanari o kike

🚶 - song for when i feel alone

Namae Wo Yobu Yo ~ Luck Life

inakutemo ii kaHitori tsubuyaite sora o miagetetaKaze ni magireteDoko kara ka kikoetaBoku no namaeBoku ga boku de ireru you ni moratta mono

Sorezore ni ima wo aruiteru bokura ga waraeru you niIkiteiru imi o tashikameainagara susumeru you niNamae wo youbu yoAnata no namae woAnata ga anata de ireru you ni

Kanashimi ni kurete anata no namida ga koboreru tokiSabishisa ni afurete kokoro ga shibondeku tokiNamae wo youbu yoAnata no namae woBoku no namae wo yonde kureta mitai ni

👯 - song that reminds me of someone

I could use this slot for something sad again but ACTUALLY here’s

Fie On Goodness ~ Mordred and Friends

No one repents for any sin nowEvery soul is immaculate and trim(Immaculate!)

No one is covered with chagrin nowLolly lo limGad, but it’s grimOh, fie on goodness, fieFie, fie, fie

There’s not a folly to deploreDerry down, derry downConfession Sunday is a boreDerry down, derry down

Ah, but to spend a tortured evening staring at the floorGuilty and alive once more

Oh, fie on virtue, fieFie on mercy, fieFie on justiceFie on goodness

Fie, fie, fie, fie, fie

💪🏽 - song that helps me be strong

HEY ACTUALLY THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SENDING THESE BECAUSE THIS MADE ME REALISE I ACCIDENTALLY DELETED SOME SONGS AND DESPERATELY NEED TO REACQUIRE THEM, ANYWAYS

MY LIBERATION ~ nano

kono mirai ga horobiteshimau kurai nara

UNCHAIN YOUR LIFE tamashii hikisaiteUNBREAK DESTINY o kirihiraitenando kokoro yabure kuchihateta kono SOUL o saisei

TURN BACK THE TIME kurikaesu gensouFIGHT BACK THE PAIN yomigaeru honnounando moetsukusare sono hai kara tachiagaru jinsei

tenmei o furihodoite THIS IS MY LIBERATION

🏋 - song to work out to

I don’t do that but hypothetically

The Soulforged ~ Blind Guardian

From a distant timeVoices echo in the hall“Come and join usEnter life” andEverything is gone nowAnd through the looking glassI still fear mortality and its loss in the endUnlimited power in my handsThe claw of the dragon ascends(Mourn for his lost soulHe’s cursed and condemned)Each step I takeMay it hurt may it acheLeads me furtherAway from the pastBut as long as I breatheWith each smile on my bleak faceI’m on my way to findBack to the peace of mindAnd from the flamesAs chance would have itThe soulforged will come into lightAnd from the flames as chance would have itThe soulforged,The stainless will riseI will never change my mindI will leave it all behind

☄ - song for when i feel lighter than air 

Super☆Affection deserves a mention here because DAMN, b u t, I’m picking another starry song

Hallelujah☆Essaim ~ my friends from gabdrop

kakin?mukakin? mochikakin (hei maido!)aku nimezamete asagohan (chou matto-!)shikkoku nisometeyaru wa (FAITO!)hontominasama oitawashii 

ochikoboretoka mitomenai ([Demons] danko!)somosomo no hanashi desu ne ([Demons] nda to…?)sawagashii kono mainichi minna ga daisuki 

[Angels] tenshi janakutatte [Demons] akuma janakutatteyuujou wa(YES!!) fumetsu da yo (YES!!)HALLELUJAH☆ESSAIM!!!! 

watashitachi(zettai)konna ninatta keredo (lucky)shiawase nanda kara (sansei)ashita mo kitto kitto ii hi da yo newatashitachi (yuushou)jibun ni uso tsukanai (kettei)tanoshimanakya son janai? (sou desu)anata morettou Let’s Gokocchi oideyo rettou Let’s Try: DROP OUT

tama ni omou no hitori bocchi de koko ni ita narataikutsu sugite sekai ga owatteta kamoitsumo itsumo honto ni arigatoudame na watashi mo dame na anata mo suki ni naretarasubarashisugite wonderful world desusou subete wa watashitachi shidai

☀️ - song for a sunny day

This was an incredibly hard one, surprisingly, because Traveler In Time (Blind Guardian) and sun will rise (KnOW NAME) and anything by Solar Fragment keep coming to mind b u t I gotta choose one song, right?

Lunar Lament ~ Demons & Wizards

Take a look at meSo cold and all aloneI drift around in circlesAnd I can’t reach the sun

You saints and sinnersYour peace and warI drift alone in silence‘Cause I can’t reach the sun

It’s all I long forThe heat of the sunIt’s all I long forWhat I’m wishing for is the blessingof the sun

🌲 - song that reminds me of nature

I don’t want to put an instrumental here, but The Butterfly (Cruachan) really deserved this BUT HERE’S COMPENSATION

Erinsong ~ Cruachan

I am the wind that blows over the seaI am the wave of the oceanI am the murmur of the billowsI am the ox of the seven combatsI am a vulture on the rockI am a ray of the sunI am the fairest of plantsI am a wild boar in valourCome with me, I’ll show you eternityThis magical ring, it holds the key to everythingOur faerie land, the forests and mountains you seeCreated by magic, cast from the Gods and the Sidhe

💤 - song i fall asleep to

can’t relate to falling asleep in general to a song but for the swedenborgian feels I’m going with

Call My Name ~Kazenari no Oka~ ~ Yucca

Yoru no sukima yakusoku no oka de Tsukiakari ni shitataru hanabira ni KISU wo Fushigi no kuni izanau sono kagi　 Nigitta mama de shoujo wa otona ni narenai Kowagaru koto nado nani mo nai　 Anata wa keshite hitori janai no Call my name, dear my friend Sugu soba ni yukuwa Doko ni itatte tsunagatteiru Call my name, call my name Sugu daite ageru Ude no naka de nemutte mou nakanai de

✌🏼️ - song for when i feel fabulous

eh I’m not sure what this means so I’m taking the easy way out

Vodka ~ Korpiklaani

Vodka, you’re feeling strongerVodka, no more feeling badVodka, your eyes are shiningVodka, you are the real MANVodka, wipes away your tearsVodka, removes your fearsVodka, everyone is gorgeousVodka, yeah vodka

🌪 - song for when i’m angry

I mean most of them

Battlefield ~ Blind Guardian

It cannot be seenBut there’s blood on the greenOnly god knows I’m innocentTake me, take me homeA dark seed reigns in meLike the storm rules over the seaI challenge thee, do not cross this bridge alone

Don’t dare me nowThe threatening shadows will pass byThere’re getting closer nowOpen your eyesWake up my dear young friendAnd hate shall fade awayI will not move, yetI’ll stand still, insteadThere on the battlefield he standsDown on the battlefield he’s lostAnd on the battlefield it endsWar and anger shall reignThe clash of iron can be heardBy blindness you’re driven insaneI’m lost in anguish and griefSorrow won’t wane ‘til you dieA shattered body deeply hurtAnd darkness will cover the lightIt’s gone forevermoreThe field’s been left in sorrowThe father and the sonThey’re goneThe sun shines brightAnd anger risesLorn and lonelyTorn apartDon’t you thinkIt’s time to stop nowWe were charmed and fooled by the old serpent’s kissLet’s prayThat heaven is on our sideThrough violence and horrorShall honour ariseSo let’s prayAnd blessed shall be our leaderWe follow the noble and brightDon’t you hear me cryingCryingCome take me awayI hallow thy nameThere on the battlefield he standsDown on the battlefield he’s lostAnd on the battlefield it endsWar and anger shall reignThe clash of iron can be heardBy blindness you’re driven insaneI’m lost in anguish and griefSorrow won’t wane ‘til you dieA shattered body deeply hurtAnd darkness will cover the lightIt’s gone forevermoreThat’s what minstrel singJoin in the horrible screamsTake part in murderous deedsRenowned be the lion-heartedJoin in the minstrelsyWailing in endless griefIt eagerly longs for moreBroken bodies lay down on the ground

Blood sheds all over the placeThe green will be stained foreverAnd hate reigns all over the fieldThey keep struggling on in angerFiercely intenseOutrageous, too blind to seeAnd in pain they keep on singingWe claim the land for the highlordGod bless the land and our highlord

War and anger shall reignThe clash of iron can be heardBy blindness you’re driven insaneI’m lost in anguish and griefSorrow won’t wane ‘til you dieA shattered body deeply hurtAnd darkness will cover the lightIt’s gone forevermore

🎤 - song i’ll sing out loud 

KOOOOOOOOOOOOOUTESTU NO KAAABANERI YO SAAA TACHIAGARE wait no stop teb you can’t sing a song you only remember the chorus!

Time Stands Still (At The Iron Hill) ~ Blind Guardian

Light fails at dawnThe moon is goneAnd deadly the night reigns(Deceit)Finally I’ve found myselfIn these landsHorror and madness I’ve seen hereFor what I became a king of the lost?Barren and lifeless the land liesLord of all NoldorA star in the nightAnd a bearer of hopeHe rides into his glorious battle aloneFarewell to the valiant warlordThe Fate of us allLies deep in the darkWhen time stands still at the iron hill

The Fate of us allLies deep in the darkWhen time stands still at the iron hillI stand aloneNo one’s by my sideI’ll dare youCome outYou cowardNow it’s me or youHe gleams like a starAnd the sound of his horn isLike a raging stormProudly the high lordChallenges doom“Lord of Slaves!” he criesSlowly in fearThe dark lord appearsWelcome to my landsYou shall be damned

Lord of all NoldorA star in the nightAnd a bearer of hopeHe rides into his glorious battle aloneFarewell to the valiant warlordThe Fate of us allLies deep in the darkWhen time stands still at the iron hill

The Fate of us allLies deep in the darkWhen time stands still at the iron hill The iron crownedIs getting closerSwings his hammerDown on himLike a thunderstormHe’s crushingDown the Noldor’sProudest kingUnder my footHopeless it seemsYou’ve troubled my dayNow feel the painLord of all NoldorA star in the nightAnd a bearer of hopeHe rides into his glorious battle aloneFarewell to the valiant warlordThe Fate of us allLies deep in the darkWhen time stands still at the iron hill

The Fate of us allLies deep in the darkWhen time stands still at the iron hill 

The Elvenking’s brokenHe stumbles and fallsThe most proud and most valiantHis spirit survivesPraise our kingPraise our kingPraise our kingPraise our king

✈️ - song for when i’m feeling nostalgic

I mean, that depends, on, many, many, many things, so, uh I’ll pick one that fits right now I guess

Butterfly Kiss ~ Chihiro Yonekura

Hitosuji no hikari wo motomete Bokura wa michi wo ikiruHitotsudake ima shinjita Aisubeki hito no tameniSai ha chijyou takaku nagerareta Rakuen sore ha hiizuru miraiYou and I Tooi yume ni musubareru Kono akai kawa wo koeteHana ha mujyou sarau jyuujika wo Daite saita hakanaki tenshiYuuen no ai itsuka mitsukeru nara Kimi ni sasageyou Paradise

⚓️ - song that keeps me grounded

I SHOULD ANSWER THIS ONE SERIOUSLY BUT NOOOOOOOO I’LL TAKE THAT LITERALLY

Take Me Higher ~ Solar Fragment

The death of the Taurus has brought us here Minos has taken revenge We fear to die in exile but I know there is still a chance for us to go above the sea, my son, don’t touch the waves, don’t near the sun Watch out! Watch out! Watch out! Hear my words: follow the clouds! But in his days of levity the boy is not aware at all Father, save me your words come, let us fly like birds and 

Take me higher on wings we are leaving on wings we arise Shore so dire I’m longing for freedom The price for it will soon be payed So the tragic is foretold the wax will melt beneath the burning sun My invention, is it safe? Nature can’t be replicated! The claws of wind, at once they reap the young man falls into the sea My fault!My fault!My fault!

It’s too late but now I see the blaze in the sky would have posed no threat oh, if we had chosen the night instead Take me higher on wings we are leaving on wings we arise Shore so dire I’m longing for freedom The price for it will soon be payed

🌇 - song that inspires me

The Sea Queen of Connaught ~ Cruachan

I tell a tale of a pirate queen,Grace O'Malley was her name.Through her deeds and actions on the seas,She found fortune, respect and fame.Born to a seafaring family and educated well,Salt water in her veins, at sea she would raise hell!She preyed on trading ships, that entered her domain,Before the Nine Years war, she was a British bane!When she was but a child, she cut off all her hair,In defiance of her father who brought her to despair!“You cannot sail my ships with hair that is so long.”“But, father, can’t you see? All my hair is gone.”

⏰ - song for when i’m feeling stressed

look, I can basically pick ANY song at all for this one, can’t I?so figure out where this is from and call me out on it, I dare you

kanata e  kanata e tondeke watashi no negai With My Fantas/HIP Girlfriends Shake Shake Hip My best friends kyou wa donna hi datta? nani ga atte mo  watashi wa mikata da yo koko ni  inakya  deaenakatta nakama shigeki oome no  kankei ga suki kisoiau hodo  tsuyoku naru no wa waza dake janai tte koto kizuna datte sou hashiru yo! hashiru yo! yume made saa zenryoku de mune ni kizame  doryouku wa tomodachi sa kanata e  kanata e tondeke watashi no negai With My Fantas/HIP Girlfriends

[dariussheeno-blog]

IX

Jack spent months wandering around aimlessly, trying to figure out what to do. He couldn't end his own life, as he valued it too much. No, he needed another way to get rid of himself. Something less...violent.

He drove his motorcycle until it ran out of gasoline. Sighing, he got out a spare gallon to refill it. Everything was going fine.

As Jack was finishing, he heard a slight sound of leaves. Looking up, he saw his father, looking at him. Jack, completely taken by surprise, stumbled back, and gasoline sprayed everywhere.

"Why, my son? Why have you forsaken us?" The apparition asked. There was worry in his voice, which just made Jack even more afraid.

"No! I haven't forgotten!" He shouted.

"But you have! And now you must pay the price!"

Jack tried to turn on motorcycle, but something went wrong, and a spark went flying. Jack was eventually able to turn on the motorcycle, but not before the spark reached land, combusting the gasoline and starting a wildfire.

Jack heard, "Do not forget where you came from!" from over his shoulder.

He just kept going.

In the grand hall of the fortress of One Aku, something big was happening. The essence Pureisuto consumed impregnated her, and while they weren't sure what was going to happen, Pureisuto was quick to dismiss the cult's worries.

"I will make new servants of Aku if it's the last thing I do!" she shouted.

Removing her headdress and mask, she let the other members take care of her. One of them was on the gong, ready to strike whenever a new life was born. The entire cult was in the grand hall, chanting for the children's health. A weak servant of Aku was not a servant at all, but a nuisance. A large stone table was placed in the middle, right in front of the statue of Aku. There, each child would be placed as an offering to Aku. Some people were opposed to the idea, but they couldn't do anything, as it was too late to back out now. Everything was set, and Pureisuto's water broke. It was time.

As a baby came out, the gong was struck. Everyone counted them in hopes of going higher.

1...

2...

3...

Pureisuto was screaming out in pain. Every baby that came out came as a relief, but it wouldn't be until the last one when she would be relieved completely of her pain. Each baby was placed in the stone table, crying out in unison. As the last baby was born, most of the others calmed down.

Seven children in total.

All female.

Several members put Pureisuto's uniform back on and she simply walked to the statue.

"Seven daughters to do your bidding, my master!" She declared. "They will succeed where so many others have failed! We will find favor in your glory!"

Everyone chanted.

The seven Daughters of Aku were here.

Jack decided to rest in a nearby village. He was tired, and not just from running all the time. He was getting sick of his visions of his family and the Omen. Not to mention Mad Jack constantly taunting him.

As he walked through the village, he noticed people were staring at him. This usually wouldn't make him uneasy, but now, as he walked around, he began feeling unsure of himself. As if he was being watched by someone other than the village people. Everyone was quiet, and that just added to the effect of something being seriously wrong.

Sure enough, a giant robot appeared seemingly out of nowhere.

"Samurai Jack! You have committed crimes against Aku! Prepare to feel the wrath of justice!"

Fists began flying as Jack swerved left and right to dodge any attack the robot had for him. Jack returned with a punch, but the robot took it very well, as Jack's fists were no match for cast iron. With one swing, Jack was on the floor, and the whole village watched as Jack began getting pummeled by the robot oppressor.

Jack was almost at the point of giving up where he heard a voice.

"You have forgotten us!"

"When were you going to focus?!"

"You could have saved us!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jack screamed out. Feeling a new sense of strength, Jack braced himself for subsequent hits. As the robot was about to deliver the final blow, Jack caught the fist mid-air, and swung it around him, sending the robot to the floor. Jack leapt atop the robot, arm still his hands. He pulled hard, disconnecting the arm from its rotors and electronics and eventually breaking it off. He lifted it above his head, and he swung down hard onto the head of the robot. He kept swinging it back and forth until the robot was no longer functioning, and even after that.

"I! WILL! NOT! FAIL!" He kept shouting as he kept swinging it. When he was finished, the robot's head was nothing more than pieces of silicon and metal scattered across the floor. Panting, Jack rose, and looked around. Sure, he had saved the village, but everyone was looking on in fear of Jack, not in respect. Jack dropped the arm, which clanged onto the body, breaking the silence. People began whispering to each other, in a way Jack did not appreciate. He got off the robot and began his way back to the motorcycle. Before he mounted, however, an old lady popped up.

"I see you are having trouble with your emotions." She chimed.

"W-what! H-h-how. What?" Jack was confused. It was not like anybody to open a conversation with such a line.

"I can help you."

After getting his bearings back, Jack sighed and simply said, "Ok."

At the old lady's house, she made tea for Jack. She made conversation as she did so.

"So, Jack...anything bothering you?"

"No." Jack replied, knowing full well she knew it was a lie.

"You are seeing things, are you? Things you might not want to...see?"

Jack was taken aback by the sudden statement. "Yes...how did you-"

"I always know." She replied. "Do not worry. I can help you. Please. Come."

Jack followed her to the cellar. Once down there, the lady pulled a switch, and showed off her gift to Jack. An entire suit of armor. From head to toe, segmented armor protecting Jack from almost any attack.

Putting it on, Jack immediately felt much better, as if the armor had some sort of enhancement to it. It was agile, yet firm. Whatever Jack could do, he could now do better. And the helmet. Ooh, the helmet. The samurai Kabuto fit snug on Jack's head, and for the first time in years, Jack smiled. The old lady also offered weapons like a technologically enhanced trident, and more.

Before Jack left, the old woman handed him a mask. Something Jack would keep for a while. Resembling an angry dragon, it had a sort of anonymity to it. Jack simply looked at her.

"Thank you." He said before departing.

Aku was smiling. Destroying planets, enslaving entire species, and partying with his employees really gave him the time of his life. He couldn't ask for anything more. Jack was basically dead, as it had been years since anyone saw him. Right now, Aku was focused on bettering his life, and hopefully setting u for the long haul. Setting up puppet leaders and all that.

However, someone did have to come and ruin it.

"Master, you have a guest!" the announcer said.

Gracefully, Aku slid up the walls of the chamber until he got to the room for meet and greets. Aku was in a good mood, and it seemed nothing could break that.

"Welcome to my chamber, what can I do you for?"

"My lord Aku, please forgive me, for I bear very unwelcome news."

Aku was confused. He had the whole universe in the palm of his hand. What could possibly be wrong?

"Well, what is it?"

"The Samurai. He lives!"

"WHAT!" Aku was mortified. The Samurai should have died of old age. "SHOW ME!"

Up on a screen, it showed a chilling vision of Jack. A short beard, no gi, and he looked extremely angry. Aku couldn't believe his eyes. He turned only to find that his guest had disappeared, running before Aku could crush him. Aku turned back to the photo, and with a furious expression on his face, began shouting out orders.

"I WANT EVERY BOUNTY HUNTER IN THE GALAXY HERE!"

"I WANT SAMURAI JACK!"

Walking toward his motorcycle, Jack again noticed the villagers, all of them, staring. This time, not out of pity, but out of fear. With his new armor, Jack had become dangerous for even his allies.

As he mounted his motorcycle, one kid ran up to him and asked happily,

"Are you Samurai Jack?"

The child expected the answer to be a resounding, "Yes."

But Jack simply looked at the child. Looking at him dead in the eye. Before the smile on the child turned into a more serious expression, Jack simply said,

"No..."

He turned on the motorcycle, and drove away.

Author’s Note

Ok, so now we’re getting to the good stuff. Chapter X will probably be the last one I publish before going on vacation, so I’ll try to get it done as soon as possible. That one will get everything set up for the Season 5 timeline, so it should be pretty good. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

[animepreferences]

P R E F E R E N C E # 7 - I N S E C U R E



D A Z A I

“To be honest, I don’t love myself.” Your voice would tremble, your eyes closing as you admitted your deepest darkest secret to the love of your life. “I hate everything from my face, to my body, to even my personality sometimes. I feel as if I am constantly putting up a good, convincing facade for you and for everyone else that I love, but the truth is sometimes I’m not strong enough to pretend. A lot of the time I’m downright exhausted.” Dazai would listen to you carefully, thumb rubbing reassuring circles into the palm of your hand. Never once would his eyes leave yours; it was important to him that you knew he was listening. “How can someone like you even love a girl like me?” You would utter, a tear rolling down your cheek miserably. Hand reaching up to brush it away, Dazai would catch your wrist mid reach and lean forward to kiss your tear away himself. “Don’t utter another word.” Dazai would suck in a sharp inhale, staring at you wordlessly. For once, Dazai would be speechless. How could you say such a thing about yourself? Dazai did NOT like it. Not. One. Bit. “I won’t allow you to say such hurtful things to yourself. Y/N, you are beautiful.” Stroking your face with diligence and perceptiveness, Dazai would drink in every last detail as if it were the very last time he would be seeing you. “Every.” Kiss. “Last.” Kiss. “Bit.” Kiss. “Of.” Kiss. “You.” Kiss. “I love that face. Those eyes, that button nose, those soft lips.” Brushing his fingers over your face, he would lift your chin to give you a gentle kiss to your lips. “I love that body. Those collarbones, those curves, especially those-“

“Dazai.” You would giggle, grabbing his hands that were just about to cup around your breasts. “Sorry, love. Got a little carried away.” He would laugh sheepishly, happy though to see your smiling face. “Most importantly though, I love that heart of yours. I love your willingness to help others, your patience, your understanding, your compassion. You may not think you are perfect, and you may not love yourself, but please know that I do. I love every last inch of you up until I take my very last breath.” Head dipping down to press against your heart, Dazai would let out a thankful sigh at the erratic thumps. He loved when he could hear your heart pound quickly knowing that it was for him and him alone. “Dazai...” You would whisper with difficulty controlling your breathing. “I love you.” Lifting his head to meet yours, your lips would mold against each other in the most pristine way. “I love you, my perfect, beautiful girl.”

-

C H U U Y A

“Why are you looking at yourself like that?” Chuuya would ask innocently, eyebrows knitting together as he watched you examine yourself in the mirror. “Nothing looks good.” You would mutter, ripping the dress off of you as you sunk to your knees, tears flooding quickly to your eyes. “Nothing ever looks good on me. I’m-I’m hideous.” Choking out the words, your head would bury in your hands, shame filling you to the brim. Chuuya would be shocked. No, not shocked. Horrified. Absolutely, positively horrified. Why would you even think such a thing? Why would you even associate yourself with the word ‘hideous’? You of all people? “Y/N...” Chuuya would gape, unable to fully comprehend what he was feeling. Was it sadness? Was it shock? Was it horror? “Don’t. Don’t lie to me, Chuuya. I’m hideous and you know it.” You would say spitefully, shaking your head. With this statement, Chuuya would finally know exactly what it was he was feeling: anger. It was anger. “Stop it. You, stop this right this instance.” Pulling your limp body up by your armpits, he would turn you to face the mirror a little aggressively, his face grave with sincerity. “You tell me what you think is so hideous and I’ll tell you why you are wrong.” Chuuya insisted, going behind you to lift your head so you were forced to stare at your reflection. “Everything.” You would mumble stubbornly, choosing to avert your eyes to his reflection instead. “Everything? Everything, Y/N?” Chuuya would take a deep breath to control his emotions, his eyes closing as a way to ground himself. “So, you mean to tell me that you’re insecure about your face? Your beautiful face? The face that makes my heart melt? Those eyes that I could stare into for hours on end and not even have the slightest of urges to move?” Running his fingers over your cheekbones from behind, he would smile as a blush crept to your cheeks. “Don’t even get me started on that blush of yours. If I could make you blush everyday for the rest of my life I would be the luckiest man to live.” Pinching your right cheek lovingly, he would kiss the top of your head. You were beginning to smile, he could feel the weight of the world slowly lifting from your shoulders and it made him feel like the luckiest man in the world. “And you mean to tell me your body is hideous? This body? These shoulders, this chest, these dips and curves that I love oh so much? Y/N, it goes without mentioning how much I love this body of yours. God, do you even have the slightest idea how you make me feel just by looking the way you do? I’m lucky...I’m so fucking lucky.” Kissing from your neck, to your shoulders, to your collarbone you would let out a soft moan as Chuuya focused in on your soft spot, making deep bruises with his mouth. “Y/N, will you allow me to show you just how beautiful I think you are?” Chuuya would inquire, words hot against your exposed skin. Who were you to say no? Nodding your head weakly, you would let out a small squeak when Chuuya was suddenly lifting you from behind, carrying you to your bedroom eager to show you just how much he loved you hoping in return you would love yourself just as much.

-

A K U T A G A W A

He would be furious. Unequivocally, irreversibly furious. What did you mean you thought you weren’t pretty? What did you mean you were insecure about everything down to the last, nitty-gritty detail? Surely, you were joking with him. Surely, you were giving him a hard time? But that look in your eye...That broken look in your eye told him otherwise. You truly meant what you said. “I can feel your anger.” You would sigh, placing a hand on his shoulder in a comforting way. “But you mustn’t blame yourself, Aku. I’ve always been like this. Before you, with you, after you-“

“You’re wrong.” That statement would rub him the wrong way, his eyes connecting with yours with a vehement passion you’d never quite seen before in your life. “Wrong because there will be no me without you. Wrong because if it’s the last thing I do, you will never have to feel insecure while we’re together. It is my sole purpose to make you feel loved, to make you feel like you’re the most beautiful person in the world and until you feel that way I will have failed you. And I don’t ever want to fail you, Y/N.” Aku would never once break the eye contact he held with you, knowing that the second he could your eyes might wonder allowing yourself to think those self-destructing thoughts once again. And that was simply unacceptable. “I promise you, Y/N, if it is the last thing I do, I will make you look at yourself the same way I look at you. I promise.” Pulling you in for a passionate kiss, a surge of electricity would pulse through your entire body, your body becoming weak under his dominant touch. Instantly, his tongue would lick at your lips before forcing its way through to wrestle with your own. The kiss would be unruly, but determined to make the point it was desperately trying to prove. Furthermore, just as Aku would have wanted, you would have crumbled to dust beneath him as he kissed you with the passion of a thousand suns, simply showing you no mercy. “Jump.” He would growl as his arms hooked beneath you, lifting you so you were forced to straddle his body. After a few intense moments of kissing you with no let up, you would finally pull away from him, head disoriented, breathing ragged and wild. “I love you so much, Y/N. And I’m so, so sorry I have failed you.” Akutagawa would whisper, lips pressing to your forehead as you still continued to fight for your breath, your eyes wild with lust. “You will never let me down, Aku. I love you so very much.” Pressing your forehead against his, Aku would sigh eyes connecting with yours instinctively. He would make you see. Even if it was the last thing he did.

[animepreferences]

P R E F E R E N C E #11 - D E P R E S S I O N

-

WARNING - TRIGGER WARNING! IF YOU HAVE A HISTORY OF MENTAL ILLNESS, THIS PROMPT MENTIONS THOSE TOPICS AND YOU SHOULD PROCEED WITH CAUTION KNOWING THAT IT WILL ABSOLUTELY BE MENTIONED! PLEASE DON’T READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THIS CONTENT!

-

D A Z A I

“I don’t like this anymore than you do.” You would whisper, your eyes unmoving from the wall in front of you. Even though you would never once turn around to face him, you would still be able to detect his presence, his eyes burning holes into your back. “I know you don’t.” Dazai would murmur, his voice growing closer as his dull footsteps would inch near the bed. “I would be concerned if I felt you were enjoying living in the state of mind.” He would chuckle humorlessly, the bed dipping beneath you as he joined you in bed, his warm limbs entangling with your frigid ones. It was the first time he had tried to touch you in days simply because he had been trying to give you the space he felt you needed. He had realized his endeavors were futile, nevertheless, realizing a little too late that you needed him. You needed his touch, his presence, his words of encouragement. You needed him period. And he had let you down. It hadn’t been on purpose, but it had still happened. How were you ever going to forgive him? Would you be able to? “I understand why you don’t want to be around me though. I’m not angry. In fact, I understand. You have your own demons, you don’t need to shoulder mine.” You would state curtly, your voice faraway as you closed your eyes basking in the wonderful feeling of having him close to you again. His heart would quite literally crumble at your words. “I always want to be around you, my love. Your demons are my demons, just like mine are yours. We’re a team now, Y/N. I’m sorry I’ve left you alone in this to feel that way about me. I love you very, very much. And we both know that I don’t ever say that lightly.” You shivered as you felt his lips on your neck, his words hot against your cold skin. This touch alone was enough to make you forget for a fleeting second about how empty you were feeling. Surely, it wasn’t enough to cure your dark emotions, but it was a nice distraction-a bandaid, if you will. “Dazai, how do you do it? How do you feel like this constantly and still have the courage to do what you do?” You would ask very seriously, turning around to face him as your eyes bored into his. “Are you asking me what my muse is in existing? What keeps me going even when I feel like life is an endless void of suffering?” Dazai would inquire, taking you into his arms as he stared down at you with an indescribable emotion stirring in his features. All you could do was nod as you took in his ominous form, not sure you were really wanting an answer to the question that you were so painfully curious about. “It’s quite simple, really. My muse in getting up every morning and wanting to right my wrongs, my purpose to living in this cruel, dark world is nothing less or more than the love I have for you, Y/N.” Your heart would stop all together before propelling into an alarming rate knowing that the indistinguishable emotions in his face had been nothing but ardor and pure love for you. Dazai wasn’t typically one to let his exterior guard down, but for you it was nothing. He loved you. He really, really loved you. “And that is the exact reason why I know you’re going to get through this. Because I love you and I will never give up on you because you never gave up on me. We’re in this together now, my dear, sweet Y/N.” And with that, his lips would be crashing against yours with the most sincere, most gentle touch.

-

A K U T A G A WA

“Do you think I am a fool?” His words would pull you up short, your body freezing in place as you turned slowly on your heel to face him. His face would be stone cold, his expression unreadable as he stared intently at you. “Of course not.” You would whisper, your eyebrows furrowing together as you took in his unmoving expression. He was completely still. In fact, you had never seen Aku look so frozen in your life. You would be lying if you said it didn’t frighten you, for you knew this was the calm before a massive storm. “Then why are you lying to me.” Even though his words were supposed to come out as a question, you could hear the statement plain and simple behind his words. This was not a question, no. This was a confrontation. A confrontation that you were destined to lose. Gaping at him for a moment, your head would drop as the tears rushed to your eyes before you could fight it. You hated crying, but what you hated more was having to explain your actions. Why you hadn’t been eating, why you had been spending more time in bed than not, why you had been taking extra long showers and dissociating from Akutagawa for decent periods of time. Furthermore, you knew you were going to have to come clean about your trauma, your depression. You hated it. You hated it more than you could even bear. “I don’t want to lose you.” You would gasp, forcing yourself to look through your blurry vision at your unreadable boyfriend. “I-I-I am damaged goods. I haven’t been depressed since we’ve been together, but this is who I am. This is what I go through from time to time. And I-I really don’t want to lose you because of this.” You would force yourself to pull it together, taking a deep breath as you closed your eyes. You had mastered the art at stifling your emotions. You had mastered the art of pretending like you were okay. “Do you seriously think you’d lose me because of that?” Aku would ask, his tone cold and glaring. “Y/N. You are allowed to be depressed. You are allowed to feel other emotions other than happiness. That is what being human is. It’s not always perfect. It’s not always jubilant. You CANNOT control that. You can control being honest though, which you failed to do making you exceedingly selfish.” He was scolding you, but it wasn’t to parent you. He was scolding you because he felt slighted. He felt slighted and left out of the loop. And he had every right to feel that way, you couldn’t deny that. That made you feel even worse. “I never looked at it that way, I’m just so very ashamed of myself. I’m sorry, Akutagawa, truly.” As he stepped toward you, he let out a complicated sigh, the different emotions flitting across his face in a millisecond. “Typical me making you feel bad for being depressed. I’m not use to taking care of people and having people in my life the way I have you. I shouldn’t be frustrated with you when you’re suffering as you are. I’m the one that should be apologizing, not you.” Wrapping his arms around you as he enveloped you in a bone crushing hug, you would sigh gratefully at his touch. “We’re a mess.” You would laugh against his chest, smiling as you felt his body rumble with laughter as well. “You’re gonna get through this, you know that?” He would finally ask, pulling away to look sincerely at you. With his complete confidence and support, how could you not make it through a depressive stage? “As long as I have you anything is possible.”

-

C H U U Y A

“Are-Are you crying?” You would be horrified. Absolutely, positively horrified. For there stood your beloved boyfriend, the person whom which you adored with your entire soul and being and he would be crying. He would be crying and you wouldn’t know why. “Chuuya.” You would breathe, inching towards him as the pads of your thumbs brushed away his fallen tears. “W-What happened?” You would inquire, your breath hitching in your throat as his miserable eyes would connect with your own. “Y/N, what’s wrong with you?” He would speak, his words no softer than a broken whisper. “You’re growing so thin, you never sleep anymore, I can barely get you to eat or take a shower or do anything. I-I feel like you’re just a hallow version of yourself and I have no idea what to do or how to help you. I feel so helpless. All I want is to make you happy,” Pressing his fingertips gingerly against your cheeks, his eyes would be wild with desperation looking for the slightest bit of life in your dead eyes. Where was that spark? That light? He missed it so much. He missed you so much. Too much. “Chuuya, there’s something you should know.” You would sigh, pressing your forehead against his as you would slump with complete fatigue. You were exhausted, exhausted from the disorder, but you needed to find the courage, the strength to tell Chuuya everything. Furthermore, he deserved it. He deserved to know why you were hurting yourself and hurting him in the process. So, you would tell him. You would pour your complete heart out, starting from phase one. Starting from when you first got these feelings, how you had grown up with them, how you had suffered for an extensive period of time. Most importantly, you would assure him that none of it was his fault. That no matter what he had been telling himself, there was not a single thing that he could do to make your emotions go away. Little did you know that that wouldn’t sit well with him. Not. One. Bit. “You are wrong.” Chuuya would snap, letting go of your hand as he would pace back and forth his face complex with distress.

“Chuuya, no-“

“No, Y/N. I will not stand here and allow you to give up on yourself. We are going to fight this sickness head on. You are going to eat, I am going to make sure of it. We are going to be active, we’re going to get out and run and live. I am going to get you help, we’ll get you medicine or get you to a therapist if we have to. No longer am I going to let you sit here and be captive to your mind. From now on you are at MY mercy. And, Y/N, my dear, you aren’t going to like me. But you WILL thank me. Because I am going to get you through this.” You wouldn’t know what to say. You were terrified, relieved, angry, and overjoyed at the same time. Not once had someone ever taken you into consideration the way he was doing now. He loved you. He really, really loved you. “I swear to everything, Y/N, that if it is the last thing I do I will see that spark in your eye again. I promise you’ll be happy again.” Pulling you into his chest, he would hold on to you tight as you would bury yourself in the crook of his neck. Little did he know that the sparkle in your eyes, though very dim, were starting to make their return. And it was all thanks to him.

-

A/N: I know this is a little intense, but I like to write about things that are personal to me and I struggle tremendously with my mental health. Thank you for reading and I am very sorry if it was too much.

[animepreferences]

P R E F E R E N C E #4 - U N P R E T T Y

A K U T A G A W A

“You can’t just keep running away from me.” You would finally break the deafening silence, your hand grasping onto his wrist preventing him from walking away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Akutagawa would argue stubbornly, ripping his hand away from you. “This. This is exactly what I’m talking about. The second things get uncomfortable, you leave me. You leave me here to worry, to fret, to make myself sick over whether or not you’re safe.” Towards the end of your statement, your voice would grow thick with emotion, the tears betraying you as they rushed to the surface of your eyes. You didn’t like arguing with him. You didn’t like spending your limited time being upset with one another, but this was necessary. Communication was necessary. “I’m going crazy, Aku. Just please. Please let me in and then maybe I could understand, maybe I could help. I just feel like you’re holding me captive here,” Akutagawa would let out a dark, humorless snort as he would turn around to stare at you menacingly. “Captive? Prisoner? Worry? What you don’t understand is that I’m trying to keep you safe. There is a big fat target on my back at all times, Y/N. And because you’re stupid enough to associate with me, that means there’s one on your back as well. Do you have any idea how much I worry about you? How often I rack my brain trying to assure that your safety comes first?” His words were laced with desperation, his hard exterior crumbling before your eyes as you watched him deteriorate. This was the first time he had really let his guard down to tell you all this. “Aku, I can take care of myself—“

“I don’t think you understand that you are my life now, Y/N. I will protect you at all costs. I will do whatever it takes. You-You don’t see the monsters I see everyday, you don’t know of how ugly this world really is. The only reason why I know is because I am the ugly and the evil.” Dropping his head in his hands, your mouth would drop. How could he say that about himself? “You are not ugly and evil. You’re good. Your heart is warm, and your soul is pure. You’ve just been through a lot and have some wounds to heal and that’s why I’m here.” Lifting his chin with your thumb and forefinger, you would be surprised by the tears that trickled down his cheeks. “I just wish you knew how much you mean to me. I’m not doing all of this to make you feel imprisoned, I’m just trying to protect you.” He would sniffle, tortured eyes locking on your own. “I know you are. I’m sorry for getting upset with you. I just need an explanation as to why all of this is necessary, Aku, you understand, correct?” You would ask, watching as he nodded his head slowly. “I just don’t want to lose you.” He would whisper softly, his eyes darting away from yours that were filled with compassion and understand that he just felt he didn’t deserve. “You’re never gonna lose me.” Were your last words before you pressed your lips to his, electricity radiating through both of your body’s.

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D A Z A I

“I can see so much going on in that head of yours.” You would smooth the wrinkles between his furrowed brows, your fingertips gently tracing down his face. “And yet, you continue to selfishly keep me out. Quit leaving me in the dark, Dazai. Please let me know the real you.” Your pleading words would cause him to wince, his eyes clamping shut in pain. You wanted to know the real him, but were you prepared? Prepared to know who he really was? Prepared to know what he’d done? Prepared to know that he himself was a killer? “There are things that are better unheard and unsaid sometimes.” Turning back to his desk, his face white as a ghost, you would stare at him first in shock then with anger. “You know what? Enough.” Slamming his laptop closed and pushing the papers off the desk in a blinding rage, you would swing his chair around so that he was forced to look at you. “I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of not being able to help you. Enough of watching the pain in your eyes knowing there’s not a damn thing I can do to help you recover from the things that you have seen. I want to help you. I don’t care if you think I’ll see you differently, I don’t care if you expose me to something that you don’t think I’m prepared for, all I care about is you and you alone. And I’m exhausted of trying to read between the lines. I’m not Rampo, Dazai. You need to free yourself at once and tell me before it’s too late because I swear to god if I have to be the one that buries you six feet under, I’m going to piss on your grave.” These were words he had never knew you were capable of saying, the harshness intertwined with the urgency showing him that you were no longer going to endure being left in the dark. It was words he never wanted to hear, but words he needed to. Words to know that you meant business for once and for all. Dropping before you to his knees, he would clutch your slacks with his fists, tears racking through his body as he hid his face in your knees. “D-Dazai...”You would say in surprise never seeing him before in this state. Hands finding your way to his head, your fingers would stroke through his shaggy locks desperately trying to calm him but it wouldn’t let out. Soon, you would join him on the ground where he would tell you his story without breaking eye contact the entire time, fearful the moment he looked away you would have time to perceive him as the monster he knew he was. “You are a different person now, my love. Nothing will ever change what you mean to me. Your heart is pure.” You would utter, pulling him to your chest as you comforted his tortured soul. It was not too often Dazai allowed you to coddle him as he always enjoyed the feeling of coddling you, but this time he was too tired to fight it. Relaxing into your arms, he would let out a sigh, his eyes closing as he drank in your sweet aroma. “Don’t ever leave me Y/F/N. I really think my reason to exist would cease completely the day you were to walk away.” Pressing his head against your heart, he would sigh peacefully at the soft thuds, thankful he had you in his life. “I will never leave, Osamu Dazai. Not ever.”

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C H U U Y A

“What is wrong with you?” His words would be calm, though it would be blatantly obvious that a storm was brewing behind his words, the anger building with each syllable. “You always asks me what’s wrong, what’s going on, if I’m okay when you should really be asking yourself that. What’s wrong with you, Y/N? Are you really so mentally unhinged that you would really allow yourself to stay with someone who’s main purpose in life is to serve the Port Mafia to kill and to be a weapon? Do you really even hear yourself sometimes?” His words were cruel, his temper unyielding as he stared spitefully back at you hoping to warrant some kind of reaction. Much to his dismay, however, you would simply just stand there, staring back at him blankly. “Are you even listening to me? Y/N, I don’t understand how someone as intelligent as you could really choose to be so stupid. I am one of the most powerful people in this affiliation and with power comes danger, yet you stick around. You’re so idiotic and naive,” You could hear the desperation in his voice as you continued to stare at him, your eyes narrowing ever so slightly. “That is quite enough, Chuuya.” Taking a step towards him, he would gulp at the calmness in your eyes. How were you not even flinching at his words? “You may frighten everyone else, but you don’t for a second frighten me. I know who you are. I know what I was signing up for the moment I fell in love with you and learned the truth. I am not stupid. I am not dumb. I am not idiotic. I am not naive. Which is why I can see what you’re doing: you’re trying to push me away because YOU are the one that is scared. But you have met your match, Chuuya-San. Because I am just as stubborn as you and I will never allow you to push me away. So, do your worse. Hurt me. Tear me apart. Damage me. You won’t do anything to make me leave you; to make me love you less.” He would stare at you, mouth parted in horror, eyes scintillating with complete fear. Very few had ever been willing to stand up to him like this; to put him in his place with little difficulty. Among these people you were the least intimidating and yet, he had never once felt the need to relinquish so much in his life. He had messed with the wrong person. “Y/N, I—“ He would choke before taking a step toward you, his face unreadable to most. You, however, could see the desperation hiding under those cold features. He didn’t mean it, of course he didn’t. He was only scared, you knew this. He needed you, arguably more than you needed him. Approaching him, you would grab his head and crush it to your chest giving him a tight, sincere embrace. Body melting into you, Chuuya would fight the tears that brimmed to your eyes. You were thankful he couldn’t see yours. “I’m sorry, Y/F/N. I don’t deserve you.” He would utter, lifting his head to meet your own wet eyes. Kissing away your rolling tears, he would pause as you began to shake your head. “That’s when we get into trouble, Chuuya. Can’t you just understand that we deserve each other? That we’re both lucky to love one another?” This would make him smile, as he leaned in to press a gentle kiss to your lips. “We are very fortunate, indeed.”