#file under: depression

[thatvalentinefellow]

5:00am.

my anxiety's been too high to update my diary regularly. my heartrate has not gone down in the last few days since 6 November. it's made it very hard to fall asleep, and stay asleep, and my health mentally and physically has suffered as a result. 9 November was a little better, as i've been able to finally rest and take care of myself, but the anxiety remains. i'm so annoyed by my fast heartrate now. i've realized that it's because i'm in fight or flight mode--i was talking about it with my chosen sister K on the phone, and when she mentioned that phrase, it began to click for me. my body is pumping me full of adrenaline because it's trying to get me ready to RUN if i need to. but i have no reason, and nowhere to run. in my mind, i know that i'm currently safe. nothing is happening. but my body doesn't recognize that, it's as if it's responding to an immediate threat. it's ramping up my anxiety and my OCD, which is also difficult to navigate.

but my friend A has been keeping track of me at my request, and checking in to make sure i eat at regular times and full meals. the girl i'm seeing (i'll refer to as Sinta--old Filipino term of endearment--from here on out) has also been wonderfully understanding and kind. it has been hard to accept care, as i want to be the one to take care of her, but i am also deeply grateful for her care, and becoming more and more endeared and in love with her than ever.

i feel as if i'm rapidly becoming Jonathan Harker, and the thought is amusing.

[laurapetrie]

Kiss me just once more before we get there.

Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises (1926)

[reactionimagesdaily]

[insistonyourcupofstars]

college is killing me

[puppyfriedrice]

A change is gradual sometimes. It's soft and creeps up when it's least expected. It won't happen overnight. Sometimes it's unnoticed until you wake up and don't dread getting out of bed. Things get a little easier. You wash the dishes without putting them off another day. You see your friends and you don't think about how they'd react if you were gone. You don't break down into tears in your kitchen at three am because you can't sleep and you can't remember not feeling tired. What you're pushing against has give, and you gain inches in ground against it. You have some strength again. You have the energy to make yourself stronger against that darkness.

The darkness doesn't truly go away, but even a candle has enough light to see by.

Sometimes the change is quick. It's a breath when you realize you've been holding it. It's a jolt of laughter when you can't remember a tickle. It's the feeling that swells when you see a smile. And is not just happiness that returns. The fog blows away and you're no longer empty. Anger, sadness, jealousy, joy all punch you in the gut and you can feel human again.

[jonathanbyersphd]

Him

[itwasabeautifulwebbing]

not to get all mass effect on my minthara simping blog but i remain BEYOND baffled by the amount of garrus hate i’ve been seeing in the notes on those polls. like… you hate garrus? really?? the guy who has had your back from day one even if you pick arguments with him about his morality every single day? the guy who, when you disagree with him, genuinely seems to pause and give what you say the serious thought it deserves? you can change this man’s mind about what justice looks like, that’s how deeply he thinks about and respects shepard’s opinions!

“yeah well he’s a cop and acab” acab doesn’t mean assigned cop at birth you walnut, and he very definitively stops being a c-sec officer! that’s like a core component of his character arc!

[allmyoldhaunts]

listen i really do believe in the necessity of listening to really different music than you’re used to. especially during times of stagnation and times of change. not only will you find things that you love regardless of genre or style, it’s like a mini reset for your brain.

[flamingo-knees]

Damn

[thatvalentinefellow]

9:25am.

there's been good things happening, but also my body's been in fight or flight mode, it's hard to do more than that. can't focus assigned readings. can't always stay in class the whole day. can't sleep. i had almost three hours of sleep last night. i just...wish that my body didn't respond to stress by staying awake. maybe i need to remind my body that i'm not responding to any threat right now. i don't know. i'll try that tonight.

[merulanoir]

My brain has just straight up decided it doesn't want to secrete dopamine I think.

(it's been a rough week)

[tylerrnol]

Had a revelation while driving and like... I think my biggest problem is that I’m kind of just. Comfortable being sad? Which I know sounds counterintuitive, since I do in fact hate being sad all the time. But it’s what I know. When you’ve been consistently depressed since a very young age I think it’s easy to fall into a habit, and just kind of quietly accept that this what life is and subconsciously accept that this is just what life is. 

But like... it doesn’t have to be? Which I know is common sense, yeah. Life is what you make of it. But I had the revelation that maybe I can just like. Not be depressed. Or at least find ways to distract myself, or reshape feelings into something that’s different from my nightly spiel of ‘life is horrible and I want to die.’ Because like... no wonder I want to die. Letting myself dwell and wallow in my own damn misery just breeds more misery.

Yeah the ‘fake it til you make it’ philosophy is fool proof but I figure it’s worth a try. Because at this point I have Got to change something about the way I’m living or I’m literally going to wake up 30 years from now and still be miserable, depressed, and alone. And I don’t want that. I don’t want to waste my entire life being sad. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time already and I just... don’t want to do that anymore. 

So. Idk how I’m going to do this necessarily, but I need to. I need to change the way I think. I need to change my habits and hobbies. I need to like... actually get out and make new friends. I need to do something. But having the revelation that I don’t necessarily have to wallow in my own depression is a good start, I figure. 

[gibbearish]

i hate to say it but if youre having that visceral of a reaction over someone sharing advice their therapist gave them, it probably also does indeed apply to you. op didnt say "this is everybody," they said "my therapist gave me this and said that it applies to me specifically." it wasn't directed at everyone, but if the shoe fits, the shoe fits. and "i'm keeping myself inside my cage on purpose because it's scary outside" does not refute the idea that You Are Keeping Yourself In The Cage, it just says "yeah, but My reasons for doing so are More Valid than Anyone Else's." but like. people don't develop unhealthy coping mechanisms for no reason. there will always be something for you to latch on to as your reason to remain in the cage, something scary to keep you inside it. and if your cage is bolted to the pillar, then that's where you'll stay, too, clipping your own wings long after anyone else stops because it's all you've ever known.

defensiveness is not a bad thing, not something to be ashamed of, provided that one knows how to listen to what it's trying to tell them rather than simply carrying out its will, than letting it run wild. it is a warning sign that you should slow down and examine the feelings you're having, examine why the thing that was said is making you feel that way, what it is youre defending against. if one person sharing something their therapist told them makes you feel attacked, makes you feel the need to jump to your own defense as to why you are the exception to that advice... well. take a moment to consider why. because "i could leave if i wanted to, but i don't want to because of the things outside" is exactly the mindset the original post is about. the wind and the drop will be there regardless. and you don't have to leave if you don't want to, if youre not ready to, but at a certain point you do kinda have to acknowledge the gaps in the bars, acknowledge that a lonesome cage atop a pillar has no warden keeping you inside beyond your fear of what could happen if you leave.

someone else may have put you in the cage originally, yes. someone may have clipped your wings as soon as they started to sprout, told you it was for your own good over and over again until you began to believe them, began to believe that the cage is the only place you will ever be safe, the place you were made for, the place you will always have to remain, the place you belong, taught you that it's impossible for someone like you to fly so why bother even trying to learn? taught you that escape is impossible to keep you from ever trying. taught you to keep yourself in the cage so well that now you can't even imagine a world where you're outside of it. but that world does exist. it's here. right here, right now, waiting for you to arrive, waiting for you to let yourself out.

the cage will not move to a nicer pillar. the wind will not stop trying to knock you down. the earth will not rise up to meet you. and you can cling to the cage if you want, but really, you're just delaying the inevitable. eventually your grip will falter. eventually the fall will come. and you may not know how to fly yet, yes, but it's a lot easier to learn in the open air, with room to truly spread your wings, to feel the updraft between your feathers, to learn to chart your own course down, rather than sitting around waiting for the pillar to collapse under its own weight, dragging you down with it in a hail of rubble, too boxed in to even try to escape before impact.

have your wings truly been clipped? or have they simply sat unused for so long that you've forgotten how to use them?

because you see, the thing about clipped feathers is this: they do grow back, eventually. and if you take the time to check, to quash the urge to insist they never will without looking, you might just be surprised to see how far theyve come. to see how big the gaps in the bars really are. to see how well your muscles remember flight, crave flight, need flight. you can fly, i know you can. but only if you stop trying to bring the cage with you. your heavy, heavy cage, bolted to the pillar as it is, the problem isn't that your wings have been clipped, it's that you're trying to fly while carrying the weight of the world in your talons. it's okay to let go. it's okay to fall. after all, what is flying if not falling with style?

so much of healing is learning to destroy the idea that you are the exception. to advice, to help, to compliments, to being allowed to live, to being allowed to fly. everyone in a cage like that has their own reasons for staying inside, that's. the whole point. the drop isn't going to get any less dangerous. so will you continue clinging to the bars, insisting that you have to? or will you face your fears and let go, and learn to fly again?

can't you feel the breeze between your feathers? feel them move and sway with it, aching to scoop it up and ride it far, far away from this dusty old cage? can't your eagle eyes see the big wide beautiful world all around you, waiting for you to take the leap? can't you smell the freedom you crave, just there, right within reach? can't you hear the cries of birds like you just over the horizon, singing to you, beckoning you, asking you to come out and join them, offering to catch you if you fall, teach you how to fly with confidence again?

can't you feel the breeze?

[dotsunflowers]

.

[tardis--dreams]

I wish i could get buproprion without a prescription this shit is way too good to give up ㅠㅠ

[bringmecoffeeandroses]

Welp, my computer officially hit the bricks. Can one thing go right? Hoping I can find a repair place but, ugh, why?