#figuring out the issues in my head
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[this is kind of a messy ramble, sorry about that]
Demon Twins AU, except Danny is loyal to the League.
The League of Assassins is a “cult” for a reason. They know what they’re doing. Ra’s has been around for a very long time; he’s seen every trick in the book and then some.
So when his daughter Talia gave him two, near-identical twin grandsons, he had already planned out their lives by the time the sun had set on their first day living. He knew the plans weren’t perfect. Nothing ever went exactly how he wanted it to. But that was the joy of being absolutely fucking ancient. Ra’s adapted better than anyone. If something went wrong, Ra’s will simply work around the issue and live to see another day.
So the boys were raised as he wished. Ruthless, with sharp blades and even sharper wit. They matched each other in every way, blow for blow. Neither won more than the other, and Ra’s encouraged the competition between the twins. Eventually, the battle for title of Heir came, and Damian won that particular match.
Danny was fine with this. Thrilled, even, for his brother to earn the title of Heir. The boys were very close, and worked well to take down targets twice their size. Ra’s approved this, and granted Danny title of Shadow. He was to be Damian’s eternal shadow, a guard. Both Talia and the boys were pleased with this.
But then came the time for the boys to learn how to live without each other. They’d gotten too used to someone guarding their back. Too complacent and too confident in their roles. Ra’s knew it would happen, and so sent Danny off at a very young age to live with some sleeper agents in America.
The Fentons.
Damian would stay here, with Talia, to learn how to be the perfect Heir. He needed to learn how to fight without the assistance of his brother.
Danny would go to Amity Park, and be fostered by the Fentons. He needed to put his skills to practical use and learn how to live without constant orders.
This was their Test.
Damian did quite well, for a while. Until Talia sent him off to his birth father, The Bat. Reports on his behavior declined in quality after that, and Ra’s couldn’t help but feel dissatisfaction with how the Heir had been corrupted.
Danny’s reports were always immaculate, however. His mask never slipped, and he’d worked himself into the hearts of the townspeople. The sleeper agents, Jack and Maddie, had a daughter who was quite enthusiastic about the properties of the mind, and accept Ra’s instructions to teach Danny with ease. It was the ideal situation.
In Ra’s eyes, Danny was thriving. Damian was not.
And then Ra’s died. The League was in shambles. Damian was at peace with his family, away from the cult he grew up in. He assumed Danny had defected years ago, since their mother stopped giving him reports about his twin.
Then Danny showed up at the Wayne’s doorstep, decked out in full League attire, angry and hostile.
“Tell me, dear brother,” he spat. “Why did you not inform me that Grandfather had died? I had to find out through his spirit when it came to visit from the afterlife!”
Damian didn’t know what to say.
#DPxDC#pondhead blurbs#just#Danny and Damian grew up in a CULT#cults have a reputation for a reason#Danny had no reason to even think about defecting throughout his entire childhood#if being loyal to his grandfather was an issue clockwork would have told him#Dan would have told him#the Fentons are part of a league faction operating out of the US#even Jazz is loyal to them and started viewing Ra’s as a grandfather figure the few times he came to visit#Danny LOVES his assassin grandpa and nobody in amity blinks an eye at him#Ra’s does know about the Fenton portal and phantom#because why wouldn’t Danny tell him?#Ra’s dies and his spirit immediately heads over to where he knows the portal is so he can get some help#ghost Ra’s: my grandson. it’s been too long.#Danny with the worst voice crack: why are you DEAD#Talia is still in hiding#or doing whatever she’s supposed to be doing idk#Danny shows up to ream Damian out and yell at him for his disloyalty#everyone is extremely worried about what Danny will do because he is very obviously still in deep with the league#he doesn’t like the talk about being ‘free’ because he was always free. tf you talking about Grayson.#also Damian doesn’t know about the full properties of the Lazarus pits or ectoplasm. he’s the Heir not the Head. that’s private stuff#Ra’s is a smug bastard using his grandson as a way to get revenge on the living#Danny is HIS shadow now.#I must stress Danny is pretty much the same as canon but literally just loyal to his grandpa Ra’s#maybe Ra’s meets clockwork? Ra’s x Clockwork?#their ship name is Sun Dial now I’ve decreed it
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they banned ap psych in florida cuz the class ap discusses sexuailty and gender which violates ron desantis' piece of shit dont say gay law so fuck you ron for that
in the college board statement they say it was banned because "teaching foundational content on sexual orientation and gender identity is illegal under state law" which is bullshit because these gov leaders believe anything lgbtq is a brain disease so you'd think theyd keep the brain learning class
they banned ap african american studies because "it lacks educational value and historical accuracy" which is making it easier for them to erase black history that is so intertwined with the history of this country that most everything here is so deeply antiblack
this mf has his head so far up his ass that hes ruining our education system even more than it already was
#fuck you ron desantis i hate you so much I hate you i hate you i hate yoy#and cuz me nd my friends are tryna reach our counselors to see whats up or if theyre rearranging schedules and keep mentioning him#i keep getting ron desantis ads ab if i want to elect him president of the united fucking states of America#and then it was an ap class i was interested in taking cuz i thought itd be cool to learn about so fuck you ron for that too#and THEN it was the only class i knew ppl in. ljke half the class was ppl ive seen before or talked too#im ranting ab missing out on the class nd not seeing my friends but its really a bigger issue than that#like its scary hes using his power to attack lgbtq communities and kids and then he has enough support that hes rallying for head seat#its not safe here at all i cannot fucking wait to leave#ron desantis#us politics#ap psychology#college board#lgbtq#so mad im shaking im so sorry if this doesnt make any sense but school starts in a week exactly nd im tryna figure out the little issue#l speaks#keep talking l#ranting in the tags because i can#black history#racism
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i’m probably going insane but why does dan’s accent here sound like something nick nelson has said at some point
#for someone who has rewatched heartstopper 30+ times i cant figure out what line im thinking of#it won’t leave my head any time i rewatch#i have an overactive associations memory and its an issue#please someone tell me you hear it too 😭#dan and phil#dnp#phan#phil lester#amazingphil#daniel howell#danisnotonfire#danandphilgames
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he still has his tonsils. by the way if you even care
#sorry this is fucking UNINTELLIGIBLE but unfortunately i’m still on my bullshit about dr. daddyissues. yeah it’s gonna be all month#i am rotating episode 2.8 ‘the mistake’ in my head at breakneck speed. i am gnawing on it i want to swallow it#oh he’s such a lying liar who lies. charming little bastard. would rather die/lose his license than express one wholly unaffected emotion#‘he thinks not giving a crap makes him like house. like it’s something to aspire to’ quick question HOW serious do the daddy issues have to#be before you start latching on to fucking GREGORY HOUSE as a paternal figure and role model. really#even cameron is not down this bad. even WILSON is not down this bad.#the daddy issues of it all are very understandable though because even setting aside whatever went down back in childhood that shit his#father did to him in seasons 1-2 is SO messed up. jesus#imagine traveling all the way across the world to the hospital your son works in for a consult which confirms what you already knew: you’re#going to die of cancer in like 2 months. making a whole point out of stopping by to visit your son. not telling him what’s going on.#letting him spend a whole episode’s worth of time gradually coming to terms with his complicated feelings towards you (complicated on#account of a whole childhood of objectively awful parenting). the kid finally is able to try reaching back out to you. after YOU initiated#the contact in the first place. how do you react? well obviously by telling him ‘oh sorry i actually have to get in a taxi right now’ and#fucking back off to the other side of the world without giving him a chance to actually talk to you at all and resolve any of the emotions#you just dredged up. oh by the way you still haven’t fucking told him you’re about to die and in fact actively mislead him into thinking#he’s going to have the chance to try meeting with you again next time he visits your home country.#especially fucked up given that the whole reason it DID take your son so long to come around THIS time is that he feels like every time#he’s tried reaching out to you in the past you’ve just disappointed him by refusing to put in the effort to meet him there.#And Now Here We Are Again.#rowan what the FUCK is wrong with you. i want to dig you up and kill you again#house md#robert chase#caseyposting
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Picked a couple random panels from teen titans 03 to redraw with my own style/headcanons!!
#conner kent#kon el#superboy#tim drake#red robin#teen titans 2003#young justice#yj98#timkon#to me.#panels from teen titans (2003) issue 15#them i love them so much.#this is the issue where tim quits being robin and kon literally tracks him down to his home to try to get him back#insane behavior!! i love it#ignore the abrupt style change between the kon in the 1st panel and the one in the 2nd#i was still trying to figure out this style i wanted to use#i love doing panel redraws they're so fun and its cool to see the guys that live in ur head on the page in the way u imagine them#art#my art#weaverofink
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“Democracy’s a farce,” Ronan said, and Adam smirked, a private, small thing that was inherently exclusionary. An expression, in fact, that he could’ve very well learned from Ronan.”
Adam emulating rich boys he’s attracted to continues to go crazy
#s speaks#s rereads bllb#trc reread notes#trc#adam parrish#ronan lynch#pynch#what I said before about him simultaneously wanting to be and be with both Gansey and Ronan and wondering if in his head like. If he’s with#Ronan he has to Be Gansey (interesting implications on multiple fronts) and wondering if there’s an alternate universe where Adam dated#Gansey instead and ended up cosplaying as Ronan. because identity issues + not having figured out polyamory yet)#my meta
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So it's fine when I walk around with a cane, but when I run on all fours it's "unacceptable" and "terrifying"
#this was definitely not inspired by me having to crawl to the bathroom this morning#while i was doing it i was like “huh this is surprisingly efficient compared to limping”#and a whole vision came to me#i wish i could figure out how to word the post to fit what i was thinking but my brain is being funky today#im really frustrated because it sounds a lot funnier in my head than on paper andi just cant figure it out and aaaaa#shitpost#shitposting#dumbassery#disabled people#actually disabled#disabled problems#disability#disabled#disabled tumblr#mobility aid#mobility issues#cane user#leg pain#idk what to tag ughhhh#disabled memes#do i tag whats wrong with me? i dont even know if theres a “community” on here for it its not very talked about#functional neurological disorder#oo theres a tag at least#fnd
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i think the reason i cling to male characters so much despite being sapphic is that im like literally obsessed with the idea of a man loving me and being nice to me. something that has never occurred
#this is about to get reeeaaaaaaaalllllllllll venty so just a heads up i just need this off my chest bad#tw vent#im so jealous of the people who have had wonderful male figures in their lives because in no capacity have i ever had that#i've had a positive relationship with. one man in my life#my friend#we're not even like besties or anything. just friends#ive had 3 dads (one biological 2 step) and all of them have fucking sucked and traumatized me#every male ex ive ever had traumatized me#like i just so badly want to believe that there are good men out there#and i know that there are plenty of people out there who love men and have had great relationships#AND IM SO JEALOUSSDLKFJ#im just literally the epitome of daddy issues which is so funny#my stepbrother even calls me “daddy issues”#i dunno im just spewing nonsense but like. its just been heavy on my heart recently#and why ive been struggling with my sexuality so much#blegh#eeeuuuuuuuuughghgggg
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Not Dead
(A Saving Grant Ward AU)
"Come on, Hill." Grant's face hurts, and he's tired. "Why'd you pull me out of the field? I mean, it wasn't for a history lesson."
Maria Hill looks away for a moment, takes a deeper breath than maybe necessary, says quietly, "You'll have to ask Coulson."
Grant stiffens, the cold finger of her words tracing still-tender scars, and he thins his lips, answers sharp. "Phil Coulson is dead."
Her gaze drops, and so does his stomach. A breath, as if to speak, before she sighs, shakes her head.
"Actually, no."
It isn't Maria who speaks, no, it's a voice he knows, the voice of his conscience and his comfort, a voice he's not supposed to be hearing, and he's on his feet before his training takes hold, keeps him from backing away.
There's a ghost in this room, stepping out of the shadows, Coulson looking him in the eye.
"I'm... not dead."
For a moment the world turns upside down, he can't breathe, his vision greys... Before he catches himself, turns away sharply. "Don't," and no matter how dead he tries to keep his voice, he hears the tremor. "Don't do this to me."
Maria avoids his gaze, crosses her arms over her chest, glares at the man who can't be Coulson. "Coulson! You were supposed to let me ease him into it."
Coulson sighs, like he used to sigh when he'd forgotten to buy the right kind of hot sauce on wing night, and was about to go get the keys and drive to the store right then, because Grant wouldn't eat his wings without it. An apology. "Sorry, I just couldn't wait to see you again. Also I think there's a bulb out back there. I wasn't trying to be that dramatic."
Grant snorts, he can't help shaking his head as he looks back at the man whose response to finding out an angry customer had hit Grant over the head with her purse was show up at her house and tell her she'd go to jail if she ever shopped at Walmart again. "Even got someone who talks like him," he says, anger starting to smolder in his gut. He was done, done his grieving, he'd sworn to live and look forward, to honour his dad's Coulson's legacy.
Phil is worried. He's been worrying over how to tell Grant since... Tahiti, he thinks, but, no, it had been too peaceful there to be worrying. So, at least since Fury had lifted the lockdown on him.
He remembers the day Lady had been killed by a car, the limp body in Grant's arms, and how Grant had screamed for him, called him 'dad' for the first time.
"Try to go easy on him," Maria had said.
He'd raised an eyebrow. "How so?"
She'd stopped in the hallway, frowned at him. "Coulson, he had to bury you. The only person he cares about, and he had to bury you. He took two weeks' vacation after the funeral."
Phil had frowned then too. "He took time off?"
"Yes! Two. Weeks. Disappeared, off the radar. No one knows where he went, or what he was doing. He's never said."
So yes, Phil's worried, watching the tense line of Grant's shoulders, the way his eyes say he doesn't believe yet, and he's getting angry about it.
"Grant," he says, and the other man startles. "I'm sorry. But it is me. No tricks, no lies."
Phil moves forward slowly, as if trying not to frighten a skittish animal. Grant says nothing, watching him with those burning eyes, until he reaches out, grips Grant's upper arm gently but firmly. The other man flinches, hard enough to make Phil's hand slide down to his elbow, but just as quickly he's bringing his own hand up to grab Phil's sleeve. His grip is fierce.
"See?" Phil says, trying to smile. "Real."
"You're dead," Grant says, firm. He can feel the warmth in the hand on his arm, pain gathering in his throat. "You died." And his voice cracks.
He wants to believe, he is believing.
"I was. I did. For seven minutes." Tiny uncomfortable shrug. "Didn't stick, I'm afraid."
Grant blinks in the face of a tombstone (PHILIP J COULSON) chiseled with words he'd agonized over, how to sum up the man who had saved him long before saving the world (A HERO GOING HOME). He'd run his fingers over sharp-edged epitaph (PSALM 91:4), glad when it cut, when cold stone drew warm blood.
He blinks again, stares into worried hazel eyes, grips flesh and bone, and oh...
"It's been seven months!" Anger, fresh pain erupting through the layers of cooled magma. "What the hell, Dad?!" He rips away, stalks across the room, turns back to glare. "You couldn't be bothered to call, to tell me?! In seven months? I thought– I thought I meant something to you!"
"Grant, you do, I swear." Guilt settles heavy on Phil's heart as he steps forward, reaching. "Fury had me on lockdown, and then you were in the field, and I didn't want to do this until I knew we'd have time."
"I buried you!"
Maria was right, Phil thinks. Grant stalks back toward him.
"And you wanna know what I did after? I put a gun in my mouth, because of you!"
Grant's in his face now, and Phil's stomach drops like he's just been pushed out of a plane.
"You know that place where we used to go fishing? That creek? Yeah, that's where I went. And I put a gun to my head. Because I couldn't– I couldn't– I didn't want to live without–"
There are tears in his eyes now, dampening the fire, and Phil reaches up, lays hand gentle on muscled shoulder.
"But you did," he says softly. "You did live. I'm proud of you, son." He puts special weight on the last word, deliberate. "And now we get another chance. I doubt I can make it up to you, but I want to be here for you. Will you let me at least have that?"
Grant's always been tall, chin up, spit blood, graceful in a cold sort of way. Phil thinks Rose is the only other who has seen that guard truly come down. It's falling now, Grant's head dropping to hide welling emotion, shoulders slumping under Phil's hands, and then it's as if Grant himself is falling, falling and reaching, but he's already caught, and Phil pulls him in, holds him tight as he crumbles.
Grant's grip on him is painfully fierce, but he takes it, he'll take anything for this man he'd watched grow up, from a messed up kid, to a hopeful young agent, to one of SHIELD's best.
"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm here."
Tall man, bent and bowed into his dad's embrace, Grant hides his face against Coulson's neck and sobs.
Maria slips out, leans back against the door, knuckles a few tears out of her eyes. She still thinks Coulson is making a mistake, selecting someone he's so close to for his new team; he's always avoided working with Grant for that reason. But any man would be changed by facing death, she figures. Not to mention facing things he didn't even remember. A wince at the thought of Grant finding out what had been done. Well, as long as all went according to plan, neither of them ever would.
Grant doesn't cry for long; that's never been his way. He lifts his head, eases back, takes Phil's offered handkerchief.
"You still carry these?" he asks hoarsely, blows his nose.
"What do you think I mop the blood up with?"
The same pointed humor, the way they always joked about close calls, and Grant's lungs feel like they have more room in his chest. He hands the crumpled cloth back, smirks at Coulson's little nose wrinkle. "And that's what saved you."
Coulson chuckles, the air in the room lifts. Grant's still unsteady, still taking it in. But he believes now.
"So how much time have we got?" he asks, sticks his hands in his pockets.
"Plenty." Phil smiles up at him, sun coming out to warm him again at last. "I'm putting together a long-term team, and Fury, well, he owes me plenty. So I get to pick anyone I want."
"Except her." Grant jerks his head toward the door, and he's grinning like an idiot, but he can't help it. On a team with Coulson? For the foreseeable future? Oh, he is so ready.
"Anyone I outrank," Phil corrects himself, eyes laughing back. "You'll be getting a promotion to Level Seven—already have actually since you know about me."
"I'm in."
A raised eyebrow, and Grant tries to settle, temper the excitement in his tone. He's supposed to be cool, after all. "Sure. Count me in. And don't worry," he adds, "I'll make sure not to call you 'dad' in front of the team. Don't want to ruin that cold-hearted reputation."
A full on chuckle from Coulson, and Grant can't help it, he steps back in for one more hug, to feel the solid flesh and bone and beating heart against him.
"Yes, that reputation," Coulson mutters, hugging him back.
When they emerge, all banter and business, Maria lets herself relax. Maybe some things can be normal again.
#okay i have had this scene in my head for like... a year and a half#i wanted to write a whole dang chapter fic that would finish with this scene but not enough of it has come#but now that i'm watching the show again i just had to get this out of my head#this au helps me survive the show#the idea is that coulson is the one who finds grant in juvie first and he ends up basically adopting grant and grant gets a couple years of#pretty intense therapy but also a kind caring principled father figure in phil and hydra never gets him in his clutches#i imagine grant still having some anger issues and a darker edge sometimes but he's a brilliant agent and dogs trust him so he has that#anyway here's this#don't be surprised if i spit out some more scenes like this in the next little while#grant ward#phil coulson#fix it au#saving grant ward#agents of shield#my writing#marvel fanfiction#angst with a happy ending#saving grant ward au
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An excerpt from training for directed retrieves during my coffee break!
Directed retrieves are a really fun gundog exercise where a dog fetches multiple birds or bumpers in a sequence that you (the handler) ask. They can be marked retrieves (where the dog sees where the bumper fell) or blind retrieves (where the dog doesn't see the fall and you have to guide them with your voice and hands). I'm teaching this mostly as an enrichment activity, but it's an important piece for irl hunting retrievers to ensure birds aren't wasted in the field. I started teaching this exercise by throwing kibble in two different directions while she stood in a heel and then releasing her to them one at a time. This was our first try with directed retrieving of bumpers!
In this video I'm asking Rory to get into heel position (and rewarding that heavily because heel position = best place to be), asking her to stand steady while I throw two bumpers, and then directing her to pick up the first bumper I threw.
The duck bumper (the second one) is her preferred bumper so I chose to throw the paint roller to my left - when I put my hand out to line her up, it sort of blocks her view of the duck bumper so she's more likely to go to the one I want even though she likes the other one better.
Because this was the first time we practiced this exercise with bumpers, I wasn't looking for a perfect retrieve to hand - when I sent her to the duck bumper (not in the video), she dropped it at my feet instead of waiting for me to take it. That's no big deal, we can work towards a tighter retrieve after she gets more confident with the game.
We're going to keep practicing indoors for a while and once she's looking confident (and assuming things don't get too icy) we'll start working outside so we can build distance and speed.
I will also keep practicing lining her up (using my hand to guide her line) so we can start working on send-outs for blind retrieves and commitment to running out in a straight line! I have some ideas on how to use very small pieces of food to start this indoors and then we can move it outdoors in the spring.
She's doing awesome though! I'm really happy with her steadiness and her ability to think through puzzles. It's gonna be a fun winter working on these skills!
#dogblr#rory borealis#my face#bird dog training#steadiness training#retrieve training#at the very beginning of the video you can see her 'opt in' (tell me she's ready to start) by looking at the bumpers on the counter#it's a subtle communication from rory but important because it would have been more frustrating if i started when she wasnt ready#i had just woken her up from a nap because i wanted to work on this while i was waiting for my coffee to brew#i like how she is really understanding steadiness (dont move your feet)#and i was super happy with how well she committed (didnt glance away) once i lined her up#i shouldnt have rewarded her looking up at me before i lined her up because i dont want that#but i thought i was rewarding her standing still#ill time that better on the next rep#one minor issue im having is i always tap her head to release her from heel#and i cant do that if im using my left hand to line her up#im not sure if the correct direction is to fade my line or fade my tap#i think once i figure out which one to do itll build her confidence on the release#i think i want to keep the tap so i might practice lining her up and then moving my hand while she keeps commitment to the line#another piece to work on!#it's cool to see it broken down in tiny pieces tbh#this is an unrelated but adjacent rant:#yesterday on dogbook i saw a post that was asking for recs for high value treats because their dog lost interest#if they couldnt figure out the activity in 30 seconds#and it irks me because if your dog cant figure out what youre asking in 30 seconds#i think your activity is too hard and needs to be broken into smaller pieces#ESPECIALLY with an indepent thinker#sure some dogs will power through uncertainty and frustration but why are you asking them to#look inward and see how you can break it into smaller pieces#(it irks me because it is the exact problem and response i had with mav - live and learn and look back and all that)
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New gith who dis?
Saving her for patch 7 since I'm finally going to run Durge. Haven't settled on a name yet but I'm very into this look.
#sorry body type 1 gith one day I will play you#my issue with the body type 1 heads is every single one including the meager few modded ones that don't alter the noses#have the same pointy chin round face. I'm very faceblind as a person and for the most part I cannot tell them apart#please give me some variety#let my girls have strong jaws and blocky faces#anyway. she/they body type 2 ranger who hails from xa'rok's creche in the tundra#I'll figure out the timeline later but I like my cool tones and if I'm also making her a ranger well. common thread#it would be funny if they were hatch mates just because Xa'rok was a durge once (originally)#bhaal said no wait wrong egg. not THAT one#I think her name is going to be An'zzuk or An's'zuk or something with that letter combination#she feels like a Az/Anz#she was going to be bald but then I discovered the joy of the tail of that braid curling around her shoulder when she spun really fast#RIP the w'war'gaz looking fella I tabled for her#you'll get your time eventually#this gith is definitely bloodthirsty though#also probably going to be ranger/rogue. not me learning how to finally play rogue. UGH#my tavs#technically durge but for consistency#githyanki#also might mess around with the spot patterns but I'm not sure if modded heads support that or if that's a separate thing
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I'm sick so I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, but I've been thinking about the nature of myths recently as I've been exploring hellenic polytheism.
For context: I'm ex-Mormon. I was raised in the church and, because of that, was taught biblical literalism but in, like, a more subtle way than most? I was raised believing that Adam & Eve and Noah's Ark, etc., were literally true, but that the story of Job specifically was not; I also always knew evolution and the Big Bang to be correct, despite there being a verse in the Doctrine & Covenants (a Mormon-specific religious book) where God apparently told Joseph Smith that the world is 6,000 years old- a passage I didn't know existed until my senior year of high school. I didn't realize I had believed in biblical literalism until I'd left the church, actually.
Now that I'm aware of it, it's a mindset I'm actively trying to combat while I explore Hellenic polytheism. It's definitely been a task to separate the nature of the Gods from their myths, as brutal as they often are. And it's something I've noticed within the community, too, which I think is interesting. It makes sense: Christianity, at least, has had a chokehold on much of the world for a long time, and so many of us have experienced literalism as our first interaction with any sort of holy text (though, of course, Greek myths as a whole aren't that) alongside our first experience with divinity as a wrathful God whose flaws are waved away, or ignored, or twisted into positive attributes. This also means that I'm trying to re-approach several deities with an open mind (Zeus, Hera, and Ares in particular, but many of them to some extent) while also trying to un-condition myself. I was already in the process of doing this, of course, but trying to figure out how to interact with a completely different pantheon has made that especially clear.
It extends to things like prayer and offerings, too. Prayers were very formulaic growing up, even though most of the time there wasn't a strict script to follow. There was always something you ask as part of the prayer, even if it's just 'please help me do better tomorrow' (alongside giving thanks, of course), so trying to craft a prayer without adding *everything* I'm used to including in makes it feel incomplete and, therefore, disrespectful. And daily prayer is something I'm resistant to because of prior experiences with it. I don't want to offend any of the gods by asking for something or asking for too much, especially so early on, and there's always a promised offering the few times I *have* asked. Add worries about exact obedience on top of that and it's proving to be a difficult thing to untangle. And I know that the gods are difficult to offend, figuring out how to do this takes trial & error and that's okay, it'll get better the more I do it, etc., etc.; this is more an issue with my own overthinking than anything else (hooray for ✨ mental health issues ✨). I'm not really asking for advice here, necessarily, just thinking out loud because I'm not comfortable talking to people in meat space about it yet.
#also: the whole thing about cleanliness? as someone w/ mental health issues? Rough. very rough. what counts? how individualized is it?#if i cant get my room (where my shrines are/will be) clean does that mean i cant give any offerings?#is just washing my hands and/or veiling actually okay most of the time? even when ive been struggling to shower?#when does something require a change of clothes? or do i have to do that every time i offer something at any point in the day?#including meal/drink (ex steam from tea) offerings? i dont have that many clothes besties#if im pouring out an offering to hermes on my way home from work do i have to somehow wash my hands first b/c i just got off public transit#can i pour it directly from my water bottle or do i have to keep a little separate bottle of water just for libations?#and like. i know logically the answer is 'do whatever you can and you'll figure it out' but it hasnt sunk in yet#it's always...interesting when a new layer of religious trauma tm gets discovered#also. maybe it's just the 'tism but 'just jump in!' and 'go slow at the beginning' seem contradictory to me#like. you cant do both??? i dont think??? 'just jump in' is the answer ive been getting when i do tarot so im trying to do that#also. doubts? not offending a deity??? wild concept. just. the hardest thing to wrap my head around. mormon god's ego is FRAGILE fr#hellenic pagan#helpol#hellenic polytheism#not adding exmo tags b/c i dont have a good enough handle on the community here & im too sick to deal with people being weird about this#my post#coriander says#seeing people get into the theological weeds is cool from the outside (see: that 'can spiderman do superhero stuff on the sabbath' post)#but very stressful when there's not centuries on centuries of detailed information to draw from & everyone's just trying to figure shit out#in a world that's *very* different from the one the information we *do* have was written down in#christianity cw#mormonism cw
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Congratulations on figuring out there are multiple people in your brain btw. I saw a while ago you posting about it being unsure so, YAY YOU FIGURED IT OUT!! LETSGOOOO!!! HELLO CHARLIE AND OTHER CODECICLE ALTERS!!!! YAAAYYYY!!!!!
FIGURED IT OUT!!! It really is crazy I didn't figure it out sooner, but I just assumed I was weird and didn't talk to anybody about it. Made a joke about it after multiple years of hiding it from everyone (and myself) and got told by multiple people "Hey yeah you're not normal go research stop feeling scared" and I did and now I'm friends with the people in my brain 🔥🔥 huge wins all around! LETSGOOO WOOOOOOOO CHEERING YAAAY!! Everyone rattling around up here says hi back!!!
#i make yet anothet post just for me 👍#we have mail :]#actually insane i didnt figure it out earlier.#[guy with a disorder he doesnt know about voice] yeah man idk i feel like my body is being controlled by other people a lot of the time#and i talk to completely real people in my head everyday and others think im entirely insane because of it so i have to hide it#and i have memory issues and feel like going by multiple names#and my personality keeps changing and my likes and wants flip flop around#and im ALWAYS dissociated. wonder what all thats about !#surely not something ive been well aware of for years . SURELY not#IT COULDNT BE!#<- i may be stupid#it didnt help that they could subconsciously mess with me too. i didnt know why i felt scared of people finding out i was multiple#BEFORE i figured it out myself#then i sat down with charlie and had a conversation and quickly figured out ah. its your fault#motherfucker#anyway rambling over#its just really funny to me just how long i lived like this without thinking twice about it#and im really happy to slowly accept it and learn to live in harmony now ^_^
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Ink October day twenty-nine: Wilder
To bewilder; to perplex.
Comparative form of wild: more wild.
#tears of the kingdom#loz totk#totk#the legend of zelda#legend of zelda#legend of zelda tears of the kingdom#totk link#blue boi draws#ink october 2023#ink October 2023 day 29#I have extremely conflicted feelings about this game that I think boil down to: I don’t dislike it but it did disappoint me#like there are a lot of things about it but the things I dislike are loud in a way that makes them hard to ignore#there are also a lot of tiny nitpicking things I dislike about it that I feel bad about because they are probably insignificant or cases of#people having different taste in things. like the bombs I miss my remote destination bombs :( but also the mechanics that replace them are#really fun. I actually think most of the mechanics and puzzles are really good (I probably have more fun in Zonai shrines then sheikah#on average) I also think expanding to the sky and underground was really smart and good. I think most of my issues are with the story#they did Zelda so dirty. sooooooo dirty. the three good things they did with her are 1 gave her good parental figures 2 cut her hair#3 tURNED HER INTO A FUCKING DRAGON. A WYRM. A CREATURE.#that’s probably my favourite main story thing besides maybe the companions and also Tulin#I love Teba the fact that his son is featured heavily and is done so good in this game is amazing.#also revali being basically never mentioned was really good. fuck you revali#love the Zonai HATE them founding Hyrule (or well rauru)#love the designs dragon goat people love good dad to Zelda the king can go fuck himself#the thing about me is I hate colonial the divine right of kings and monarchies so much. the kingdom of Hyrule stinks of these things#botw to me was in part a story of a monarchy failing. the king and the system failed Zelda failed Link and failed their kingdom.#I knew that more then likely they would be rebuilding the kingdom in the sequel but oh my gods does the addition of the politics of Hyrules#founding make it worse. there are so many people who have explained in detail this but right now my brain is just… GAH#*banging my head against the wall* can we PLEASE acknowledge the flaws of the Hylian royalty I’m not even asking for them to be discrowned#at this point I just want anything that isn’t this glorifying shit. and it sucks because I like Sonia!!! I like Minaru!!!#ran out of tags but I need you to know I am fucking vibrating about this
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Woe, angst be upon yee
Think about this plot for more than a minute and it'll start to fall apart probably but just uhhh please don't think about it too much😞🙏
So Sosu has been frozen for over 210 years, they came from a world that wasn't as irradiated as the Commonwealth is currently, so, why not give them radiation poisoning?
They feel fine when they first step out but even still, they can just feel things are different, everything, even the air, feels contamimated. Over the many years, most of the radiation has disappeared, people of the Commonwealth have grown a tolerance to the low amount of radiation that still persists, but Sosu being completely new to this world has no such tolerance and even with a radiation suit slowing the process, the poisoning still seeps into them, slowly starting to kill them. At first it's barely noticeable but the closer they get to their goal, the weaker they seem to get.
First true problem presents itself, the Dimly-lit desert- I mean the Glowing Sea. Even with the power armor taking most of the radiation, by the time they get to the insitute, they're severely ill. The fatigue, the effects of the radiation, it's all obvious. Despite never knowing them it pains the Father to see them in such a way, perhaps it was cruel to let them out of their frozen prison.
Nonetheless the institute is smart, has people to deal with what radaway can't heal, and so with time Sosu is cured but it's made clear to them; any trips to Commonwealth are risky, simply put their body can't handle the radiation.
Obviously there are companions that want the Institute destroyed, but I wonder how they'd react to this? Going off of the assumption that they're close to Sosu, just how willing would they be to write their death sentence by demanding them to destroy the only thing that can help them stay alive? The thing that'd let the companion keep their close friend, maybe their lover, alive? How willing would they be to sacrifice the person whose been there for them this entire time, despite Sosu having their own struggles to deal with?
And with X6? Oh with X6 just think about it. Time passes and he's, dare he say, attached to the future leader. Slowly, without his notice, he's started to truly care. How would he take it, hearing other companions, or faction leaders, demand that Sosu does the "right thing" and destroy the Institute, destroy the only place where they can roam free without a hazmat suit, without having to worry about radiation?
He'd be kinda angry about it I think
#I feel like Preston might be the one most likely to try to look for a different solution? Very possibly Nick#like said I feel like this plot doesn't make THAT much sense but idk it's been stuck in my head for a looong while and wanted to get it out#fo4#fo4 companions#fo4 x reader#fallout x reader#fallout 4 x reader#Preston is a kind man. He'd probably try to figure out something that'd keep his friend alive. Mans lost way too much to loose them too#with Nick I just feel like he'd be another to *really* try to figure out some other solution besides just shrugging and saying 'tough shit'#I'm not entirely too sure about the other companions...#oh right Curie and Codsworth would definately try to figure out something too#but with the rest? I'm just not sure at all 😭#Gage would probably suggest to raid the whole place so Sosu can just live there without the Institute-#Sosu: Without the Institute... I'll die#Gage: Boss listen. Lets just break in. Kill everyone there. You live there. Problem solved#God can you imagine raiders with Institute technology#just able to teleport in and out with no issue?#terrifying. In killing the boogeyman you'd create another#but I doubt the nuka raiders would want to live inside the institute
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I really hate when people say this. if I dont record, I cant "enjoy it in the moment" because I dissociate out of my damn mind and then have no memory of it! recording helps ground me and keep me focused in the moment! let me do what I need to in order to enjoy things you soggy potato 😭
plus, as a photographer/aspiring videographer who hasn't had the luck to become friends with bands and work with them, IM DOING A THING I ENJOY AS WELL, SO SHUT UP LMAO. I enjoy doing video and photos MORE than standing in a crowded, overwhelming room watching people do stuff on a stage. THATS LIYERALLY ME LIVING IN THE MOMENT DOING A THING I ENJOY!!!!! WHY IS THAT WRONG?!
#this isn't @ this person directly but is @ ALL the hundreds of people i've seen/heard say this same shit and ones that said it to me#directly 😭 i'm glad you can “live in the moment” and have good memory but i'm not like you so stop complaining!!!#lee rants#memory issues#dissociating#does anyone else have this issue and get really annoyed when people throw a fit over your struggling coping mechanisms#THAT ARE NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS#this is one reason ive become a photographer#ive tried for over 10 years to figure out how to do concert shoots fir photo and video because its fun. let me do what i need and enjoy#i went to a concert i have no memory of since i didnt take out my phone once. wanted tk try this “live in the moment” thing#only know i went to it because i saw the email receipt for the tickets. so living in the moment really was just that moment and its gone now#IM SURE thats not the case for everyone and they can relive it by seeing it all in their heads whenever they want. lucky 🙄#photographer#tag that too because any photographers like taking videos snd photos at concerts more than watching the concert???????#its more fun idk. so why do people complain about it 🙄#and ive seen the argument if “it blocks peoples views” but i personally and very aware of people around me and will try to#be seated at the edges or get to the barricade and where i can keep my phone close to me (preferably under my chin) so that aint me lmao
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