#fic where it causes a huge breakdown of the team.

[swagging-back-to]

okay so here's my fix it hot take for the lion switching ( because the lion switching is stupid )

keith never pilots black on that planet after the corrupted wormhole. black moves on her own after keith yells at her (because that's what he does lol) to not just sit and watch her paladin get killed

when shiro actually goes missing NO ONE is accepted by the black lion. she sits in the hangar, immobile.

keith stays in red

lance stays in blue.

no one else can pilot the lions except for their specific paladins, a dime in a dozen. their quintessence simply could not handle it. their entire being could not handle it if they arent specifically molded to fit the quintessence of the lions--like their paladins are.

the four paladins have to work tirelessly to fight without voltron and without the black lion. because it makes it more interesting when they just dont have someone. if theres always a backup to the paladins--if their position can always be easily replaced-- then theres really no actual importance of the paladins.

[screaming-universe]

demi!Eddie Diaz fics

or ace or acespec, sorted by length (so far)

Unless You Ask Me To 🪶by @elvensorceress (141k, rated mature)

It’s not the first time a man has ever looked at Eddie a certain way. It’s not the first time a man has ever hit on him or asked him out. It happens every so often. Not a lot. Once every six months or so? If he had to put a number to it?

But maybe it’s the first time Eddie’s considered saying yes.

He’s in a much better place than he was a year ago, and he’s never actually dated that many people. He met Shannon when he was nineteen and high school relationships didn’t really count, and he was technically married until not quite four years ago. And there was only one huge, sad mistake since then.

So, Eddie could say yes.

He could go on a date with this beautiful, nice man. That is a thing he can do. And maybe it would be good. Maybe it would explain a lot of things he’s always wondered about but never put into practice.

~~~

Eddie dates a man for the first time, Buck is completely Fine(tm) and not at all having a breakdown, and the way to love and happiness is not easy but they find it anyway.

Just A Part Of Who I Am 🔒by @mansikkaomenabanaaniabanaani (89k, rated mature)

Putting down new roots in Los Angeles after a successful 12-year career as one of Latin America's best-selling artists feels a lot to Eddie Diaz like starting over. And who knows? With a new market to break and the support of a new team, maybe Eddie is in an environment where he can be a more open version of himself.

But the introduction of the man responsible for his personal security shows Eddie he is nowhere near ready for the world to know all the parts of him. What is it about Evan "Buck" Buckley that draws him in like it does? Eddie has no idea. But he is determined to enjoy figuring it out. Even if he has to do it in between releasing an album, touring, and being the best possible dad to his young son. Who says this multiple award-winning singer isn't up for a challenge?

It's not in the color of the eyes, but in the depths that they hold... by ReallySmartLadyMarieCurie (12.7k, rated teen and up audiences)

"And then his gaze flickers over, and for a small second, his and Eddie’s eyes meet. Eddie notes that they’re blue, like the very ocean that has caused such calamity today. There’s exhaustion hanging in the dark circles beneath them. Dirt is caked in the creases of his forehead and smeared across his blonde eyebrows. They pinch together slightly, like he’s trying to figure out if he recognizes Eddie from somewhere, if they’ve ever met before."

Five times that Eddie hears of Firefighter Buckley from the 118 performing dangerous stunts, and the one time that Eddie aids him in the process. (with the added bonus of Eddie having a full-blown sexuality crisis throughout)

Here, Beneath My Lungs by @glorious-spoon (5.6k, rated teen and up audiences)

“Okay, okay, come on, let’s do this,” Buck says, in a trying-to-be-serious tone that just sets Eddie off again. “Come on, we’re gonna do this right. You need the full Buckley Experience.”

“Someone’s confident,” Eddie manages.

“I know what I’m good at,” Buck says, and something about the way he says it—grinning and smug with laughter still leaking out of the edges of his smile—makes Eddie go still.

🔒: only accessible with an ao3 account 🪶: not completed yet

[wordsonamission]

This might be my favorite fic that I've written so far! I'd be honored if you checked it out.

Maverick has spiraled down to a very low place. Although he was cleared of wrongdoing in the accident that caused Goose's death, he still feels that he bears responsibility for the tragedy. He's ready to leave the Navy to keep from hurting anyone else when Slider finds him hiding in an off-base bar and drags him back to the housing unit he's been sharing with Iceman during Top Gun. Maverick has a breakdown and Ice and Slider try to put the pieces of Maverick's broken heart back together. Maverick and Ice are also dancing around feelings that they're afraid to address. Maverick is left with a huge choice: does he stay in the Navy or start a new life as a civilian?

I wrote this fic because I really wanted to develop the relationship of Ice & Mav & Slider in the wake of Goose's death and Maverick's inquiry. I also wanted to write how well Ice and Slider work together as a team, even when that means helping out a classmate who is struggling. Slider and Ice are so fun to write and I wanted to give them some more complexity and to highlight their intelligence and competency. Icemav does start to develop as Maverick recovers, but this fic is pre-slash. There are nuggets where I can imagine readers seeing pre-slimav or even pre-slicemav, too.

I put warning tags on this fic because Maverick does self-harm and spends a fair amount of time in a rough mental state. I believe I wrote about the incidents without graphic detail, but I know readers appreciate warnings. More detailed explanation is in the fic's end notes if you want a heads up before reading. Of course, you can always ask me directly.

[myfaveisfuckable]

Rants under the read more

obi wan/grievous: Ok so this is a HUGE crackship and some people are not going to agree but like, Obi-Wan is what comes to mind when you think of the jedi and Grievous hates the jedi as a whole because he believes them to the cause of his mutilation and the suffering of his people, but the jedi are not the ones who did this. Grievous is a pawn in the game of the sith and he doesn't realize that his mind has been altered against his wishes or that he will be desposed of as soon as the war ends. Obi-Wan is a compassionate man and is able to consistently go toe to toe with Grievous, making him a rival Grievous can't help but respect in a weird way (his people are warriors, for all we know, fighting could be a method of flirting to his people yaknow? And obiwan genuienly flirts as a way to throw off his enemies, think of the comedic potential if Obi-Wan didnt realize how MUCH hes been a flirt or if Grevious acctualy gets flustered by it because obiwan is such a competent fighter and IF ONLY HE WASNT THE ENEMY-) If Obi-Wan knew what happened he would have tried to make amends and help his people, and if Grievous learned that it was Dooku (a former jedi turned sith) who turned him into a monster against his will, he'd probably be willing to team up with Obi-Wan to bring down Dooku and the Sith plans for Galactic domination to avenge and to protect his people, and they would be an absolute powerhouse since they are already familiar with eachothers way of fighting and from a writers point of view its filled with so much potential angst and drama, and hijinks, and even enhances the plot and creates parallels between the two that the franchise has never bothered to make and it has so much potential even if they don't fall in love they could be really good friends/partners/allies and if order 66 goes as planned they would be badass rebels its such an overlooked possible dynamic PLEASE 🥺

Sephitoph:

I made this one up as a joke but now i'm invested. ummm i'm just gonna c-p the rant I made on discord

ME:

they both have bright green eyes....

that's it, that's all i got ...

you probably won't like me for this, but i think it's funnier as a ship

SISTER:

...okay, explain 😂

ME:

er, not even funny, like i think they could make a good couple!

or at least an entertaining one

two ways you could take this, depending on whether you go w/ pre-breakdown Sephiroth, or post-breakdown, sadistic alien ghost who just wants to burn the world and torment cloud

for the latter, that's crackier but i'm just saying Toph is down w/ dramatic villainy and destruction

[insert: I AM MELON-LORD *maniacal laughter* gif]

(ok maybe not for real, but it would make a funny crack fic)

but pre-Nibelheim Seph (with the caveat that my understanding of his character is 90% from fanfic) he kinda personality of Zuko, circumstances of Azula

eh,,, ,that's not really on the mark

but anyways I know Zuko/Toph can be a great ship, i've seen it.

i think you'd could write a similar dynamic here

Sephiroth had his whole life laid out for him and he excelled at everything he was expected to do, but it's never been really about what he wants, like he's never really gotten to express himself. Or, like, develop a personality?? He's very isolated.

Toph also grew up very isolated, but she had kinda the opposite, where she utterly discarded the expectations people set for her (dressed up pretty helpless doll) and established her own person, wants, and goals very early on so they've got "coming from similar places but approaching things very differently", would lead to some very interesting interactions i think plus they're both down to work out emotional problems by sparring

[lord-of-fun-fools-and-fuckery]

fics i want for the batfam

a fic where damian, duke and tim get lost in England together just as civilians. they're still vigilantes but they're forced on break. Cass is also there but no one but oracle knows. Cass just fucks around making things chaotic.

The Al Ghuls (+jason) hanging out

just a bunch of times where steph is recognised as apable/impressive to the batfam

more dick's batman era fics where they are just found family. all of them. Alfred, Babs, Steph, Dick and damian.

Helena being steph's big sister

dick jason and cass acting immature and childish together (they deserve it)

jay not telling the bats he's hood and just kinda does his killing thing but ends up like being a huge softie with the birds and batman doesn't go on his ass for the killing thing- cause ever since red hood appeared statistics have gotten better. and he becomes like- an ally??? he like goes into the cave but he keeps his hood on and doesn't show his face. and the bats are chill. even funnier if JL/YJ/Titans saw him once or twice and went "who tf is that one?" "hood?" "who is he?" "no fucking clue, but he's really gentle" "he has guns & explosives with kryptonite strapped to his thigh"

cass just having a break down.

Where oracle helps like CONSISTENTLY LIKE FAIL WITHOUT THEM on teams like JL, Titans, BoP, Bats&Birds and YJ and the non-bats/birds try to find out her identity but fail??? and then they're lowkey scared cause holy fuck why do they know so much. Then they meet babs. and are intimidated.

duke and kate eating fries on a rooftop sharing opinions and insights on the bats + duke being comfortable to ask her questions he wouldn't ask the others.

MORE HOGWARTS AUs specifically ones with tim in slytherin, dick&duke in Gryffindor, Jason in Ravenclaw, and Dami & Cass in Hufflepuff and they all thrive in their houses. other things needed are jay with weasely twins, damian sneaking in other towers because he hates hufflepuff at first by purely fucking scaling the walls. cass being a ginny chaos enabler, jason/duke/dick in tri-wizard tournament and helping harry out, duke explaining his meta powers by "haha guys i swear it 's the wiz-waz-wand lmao", them all ditching the yule ball to hangout and play tag in the forbidden woods.

#only in gotham

everytime the gotham sirens called batman a bitch

JL meeting bat's kids (+steph, kate, harper) and thinking holy fucks sake these guys are scarier than batman. Especially constantine and steph (lmao iconic depressed blondes in completely different directions)

damian, jon and billy batson causing mayhem

steph getting to secretly be a single mom (B doesn't know) but every bat +superman (y'know for funnsies let's throw him in to give steph a heart attack) thinks they are the only one who knows.

if steph never met the bats got herself crazy mentors (league even??) and was strong enough to be recruited to titans while being SIGNIFICANTLY younger so it's basically them fighting to adopt spoils. who, no, has not shown her face yet.

wayne memes where social media users talk about how much of a meme the waynes are also who tf is steph she is everywhere but she isn't even famous or a wayne and is she a in-law or step-sis?

benard being the batshit crazy one in him and tims relationship

Oliver queen just witnessing mental breakdowns from every bat (yes even the big man) without them knowing he's there and him just slowly walking away with chips or something trying not to crunch loudly so they won't notice him but he's hallway already crunching.

dick just crashing at different titans places when bruce kicks him out and him REFUSING to explain (no, no one in JL knows where robin is but when he's gone THEY ARE SCARED)

[absolutepokemontrash]

All Demons are Entitled to Vacation Time (Because The Devildom Isn’t a Dystopia)

Part One (you are here!) Part Two Masterlist

Genuine friends in the Devildom were hard to come by, and the human exchange student had noticed that the brothers had been working her new friend to death, so she decided that the poor bastard needed some time off. The brothers agreed, but come to notice that they may have become a tad dependent on their makeshift assistant’s help.

(Just a heads up, this fic features an OC and my personal MC, so the MC will be using she/her pronouns, if you’re uncomfortable with that, no harm no foul, see you next fic. Anyway, enjoy Paimon’s mental breakdown and the boys being jerks!)

“Do you need anything else, Lord Lucifer?”

“Yes Paimon, get me a coffee.”

“The usual?”

“Yes, and do hurry up, I have work to do.”

Paimon quickly nodded and scampered out of Lucifer’s office at RAD. Sure it was after school, and sure Paimon had other things to do, and sure, he needed to sleep, but when the seven rulers of hell declare you their assistant, you be their fucking assistant.

“Oi!” Paimon felt the back of his uniform get balled up and he braced himself to be thrown into the nearest locker. “Pipsqueak, I need help with my homework.”

“H-hi Lord Mammon, s-sure, when do you want-”

“Nah nah nah,” Mammon spun Paimon around to face him. “I need, ‘help’ with my homework.”

The purple haired demon winced as he rummaged around his backpack and pulled out the assignment that Mammon had neglected to do. “R-remember to change up some words so-”

“I know how to copy homework! I’m not some dunce!” Mammon not so nicely set Paimon free from his 80s movie bully shirt grab and walked off. He whistled some made up tune and sporadically grumbled about finding his missing human.

Cheating on assignments was punishable by hanging from one’s thumbs in the glorified torture chamber known as the detention hall. Paimon had never been down there due to the fact that the place was reserved for the worst troublemakers, but he was pretty sure Mammon was familiar with it. Why didn’t he learn..?

While entranced with his thoughts of torture and mayhem, (see, Paimon could be a demon sometimes) Paimon didn’t notice the Avatar of Envy peeking around the nearest corner and nearly ran right into him.

“S-sorry Lord Leviathan!” Paimon sputtered. Levi’s head swivelled to Paimon as he began to stutter out a reply.

“G-good! You’re here! Get rid of them!”

“Get rid of who..?” Paimon looked around the corner and noticed a group of students just milling about and chatting. “Oh, right away sir.”

This wasn’t the first time Paimon had to do traffic control for Leviathan, and it wouldn’t be his last. He made up some bullshit lie about the hall needing to be cleaned and the students grumbled and slowly filed out. Once the hall was clear, Levi brushed past Paimon without even so much as a thank-you. He mumbled something about sending normies to deal with normies and disappeared down the hall.

Next up on his trip to get Lucifer a coffee, he ran into Satan, thankfully, he didn’t literally run into him.

“Ah, Paimon, give these to Barbatos, last time I saw him he was in the colosseum with Lord Diavolo.” Satan, barely even looking at the poor demon, slapped a huge stack of papers into his arms and strode down the hallway like he didn’t have a care in the world. Shit, and Paimon still had to get Lucifer coffee…

“Ah, there you are Paimon dear,” Paimon needed to muster up all his willpower to not openly roll his eyes as he met the gaze of the cheery Avatar of Lust.

“Lord Asmodeus,” Paimon said blankly. “How may I help you?”

“Take these to Majolish after you’re done… whatever you’re doing. On the double, sil vou plait!” Asmo shoved a massive stack of fabric on top of the paperwork Paimon was holding, causing him to stumble back a bit. “And if any of those touch this disgusting floor, I will personally claw each of your little freckles off your face.”

“Yes sir…” Paimon barely suppressed a growl as Asmo sashayed away from what one could barely call a conversation. As much as Paimon wanted to throw both the fabric and the paperwork into the nearest trash can, Paimon knew that both things could be recycled, and he also valued his life and his freckles.

Maybe he could run to the colosseum on the way to getting Lucifer’s coffee, torture two traitors with one tool, or however the saying goes! Paimon picked up his pace, his vision almost completely obscured by the massive pile of fabric. Despite nearly tripping twice, he made it to the kitchen, started up the coffee maker, then ran to the colosseum to drop off the paperwork.

“Mr. Barbatos?” Paimon’s call for the butler’s attention was cut off by a growl that sent shivers down his spine. Right in the centre of the colosseum the Fangol team was getting into “oh fuck” formation. That could only mean one thing and one thing only… oh no… Lord Beelzebub was hungry… really hungry… who didn’t order snacks?!

“Dammit dammit dammit…” Paimon squeaked as he shifted the paperwork and fabric and rummaged through his bag for his lunch. If Beel didn’t get some sustenance quickly he’d wreck the entire school! “L-Lord Beelzebub?! D-D-Do you want my luh-lunch? Sir?”

Beel’s head swung around to the sound of Paimon’s voice and before he could blink, the Avatar of Gluttony was towering over him. Paimon gulped and held out his lunch bag, and Beel snatched it up and ate the entire thing whole. Well… Paimon needed to replace the lunch bag anyway… and he could always eat later. His stomach growled pitifully. He had made the mistake of skipping lunch…

“Mmm… more.” Beel said, Paimon was still shaking in his designer knockoff school shoes.

“S-sorry, I don’t have anything e-else but the cafeteria has leftovers I think…” Paimon squeaked, Beel nodded and lumbered off towards the cafeteria, his hunger tantrum momentarily halted. Paimon breathed a quick sigh of relief before he heard the sound of someone stirring from a nap next to him.

“Mmph…” Belphegor shot Paimon a glare that only those who just woke up from an hour long nap could. “What took you so long?”

“M-my apologies, Lord Belphegor.” Paimon adjusted his glasses and frowned. “Pardon, but do you know where Mr. Barbatos is?”

“The kitchen, he was making something for Beel.”

Paimon had… he just left the kitchen… damn it. Paimon nodded in thanks and rushed towards the kitchen. The coffee was done, the paperwork was delivered, the fabric hadn’t touched the ground, and Paimon was on his way to give Lucifer his stupid- I mean needed beverage.

He limply pushed open the door to Lucifer’s office with his shoulder and placed the coffee on his desk. Lucifer didn’t look up from his paperwork and raised an eyebrow. “I did say quickly, didn’t I?”

Paimon bit down on his lip, a tic developed under his left eye and he clenched his fists until he felt blood trickle from his palms. “S-sorry, Lord Lucifer. I’ll do better next time, sir.”

“You’re dismissed, Paimon.”

The moment those words left Lucifer’s lips, Paimon turned on his heel and walked right out of the office. He was done, so tired and… and so angry! He just wanted to relax, he just wanted to relax. Paimon’s feet led him to the concert hall. Ah, he was supposed to be the president of the school’s band, not the student council’s resident doormat. He could just call on his undead parade and play some music… that always kept him calm.

His thoughts of relaxation were brought to an abrupt halt the moment Paimon felt the sting of recent magic in the air around the hallway that led to the concert hall. Oh no, please tell him there wasn’t a fight near the concert hall, please tell him-

Two of his band members were in their true forms and hurling insults at each other. Phenex and Eurynome were standing in the midst of a completely destroyed concert hall, the instruments were scattered around the room, dented and completely broken… the two brawling demons paused when they noticed Paimon at the door.

“Prez! You won’t believe this shit! Someone vandalized our stuff, and Phenex’s accusing me!”

“Paimon! You hafta believe me! I walked in and Eury was-”

Their voices had become unintelligible background noise, Paimon’s eyes were glued to the destroyed instruments, his instruments… he felt his shoulders shake and his chest begin to tighten. Why… why!? Why him?! Why today?! Paimon dropped the fabric and his backpack onto the ground and slowly dug his partially bloodied palms into his hair. To his absolute horror, he felt tears threaten to spill from his eyes. Don’t cry- Don’t cry! He can’t cry!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHGHGGHHHHH!” Paimon let out a screech like a wounded animal, he felt his true form beg to be released so he could wreak absolute havoc on everyone and everything in a mile radius, but he yanked down on his hair and brought himself back to reality.

“Paimon?” The demon in question slowly turned, the human exchange student herself awkwardly stood a few feet behind him, seeming to not be sure exactly what to do. “Are… are you okay..?”

“Y-yes…” Paimon mumbled, his fists began to shake. “Th-thank you Ms. Himiko but I’m fi-”

Paimon’s voice broke and Himiko fixed the other two demons behind him with a glare that could probably kill a man. “YOU TWO. Clean this up right now!”

Before he could react, Himiko pulled Paimon into an empty classroom and slammed the door behind her. “Pai, what happened? Do you need to sit down?”

“Nuh-ne-no! I-I-if i suh-sit down I’ll fu-fall aslee-eep…” Paimon awkwardly hiccuped. Trying to talk through the lump in his throat was proving to be very difficult.

“Paimon… do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Himiko’s voice was oddly gentle, almost sisterly in a way as she sat Paimon down in one of the desks in the room. “I’m here to listen.”

“Thanks Ms. Himiko… sorry…” and with that, Paimon began to explain.

———————

“BOYS!”

The scream of rage was punctuated by the slamming of the front door of the House of Lamentation and the angry clicking of heels going towards the living room. Six of the seven rulers of hell sat dead straight in their chairs, geez this little human had really whipped them good.

“Stupid human! Let go of my ear-yeeeeeeOW! Sorry! Sorry! Have mercy, tiny overlord-” Mammon was dragged into the living room by the ear and shoved onto one of the couches. She let her glare rest on each and every one of the demons before she spoke again.

“So, Asmo,” Himiko turned to Asmo with a calm smile, but the Avatar of Lust was anything but calm. “You think you’re too good to deliver your own fabric to the place where you work?”

“Uh… what are you talking about Himi?”

“Paimon! You told him to deliver your fabric to Majolish!” Himiko then turned to Mammon, who was already looking for an opportune time to bolt to the exit. “Mammon! You took his homework to copy, didn’t you!?”

“I-uh-”

“Satan!” Himiko stamped her foot and swivelled to glare at the relatively calm Avatar of Wrath. “You can’t just dump your paperwork on him like that!”

“Himiko-”

“CRAM IT!” Satan’s mouth clamped shut and he levelled an absolutely murderous glare at the human, but remained seated. “Levi! What the hell’s the matter with you!? Did anyone ever teach you that it’s polite to say THANK YOU?!”

Levi awkwardly shifted in his seat and sputtered out a barely intelligible reply, but Himiko was already turning to Beel and Belphie.

“Belphie! Beel! What the fuck were you two on during Fangol practice?!” Belphie grumpily lifted his head from his pillow and Beel mumbled out an apology. “Beel! You cannot just throw your hunger tantrums whenever you don’t have food handy, I thought you had enough common sense to realize that the kitchen wasn’t that far from the colosseum! And Belphie! Why didn’t you pack snacks for Beel like you were supposed to!?”

“Himiko why the fuck are you so upset about-”

“Shut UP.” Belphie was in the same boat as Satan in a matter of nanoseconds, the Avatar of Sloth rolled his eyes and went back to resting his head on his pillow.

“And you, Lucifer, the eldest and best of the bunch.” Himiko’s words were laced with enough poison to take down a fully grown grizzly bear as she stared down Lucifer with a glare cold enough to snuff out a fire. “I have one question: would it kill you to show some appreciation to the people who help you? A thank you? An appreciative nod? Or is your head rammed so far up your own ass you’ve forgotten basic courtesy?”

In a blink of an eye Lucifer was standing in front of Himiko. He was a good foot taller than her even in his human form, but she looked right back up at him with zero fear.

“Care to repeat that, Himiko?” Lucifer’s words were as sharp as a razor, he narrowed his eyes when Himiko didn’t even flinch. “If I were you, I’d choose your next words very carefully.”

“Or what?” Himiko asked, tilting her head slightly. “You’re going to try and kill me again?”

The room went completely still. It was so silent that they could hear Cerberus rustling around in the Underground Tomb. No one said a word as Himiko casually smoothed down her skirt. “You know what they say, third times the charm. Are you going to listen to me or are you going to explain to Diavolo why I’m a bloody smear on the wall?”

Lucifer held her gaze for a few more seconds, until he sighed and sat back down, still not breaking eye contact with the human. “What do you want, Himiko?”

“I want you all to give Paimon a week off, or, you pay him to be your actual assistant. Putting up with you boys’ crap should be a full paying job.” Himiko raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. “Give him a week off, live without him for a bit, and treat him nicer when he comes back. Unless of course, the seven rulers of hell can’t survive without their assistant?”

Lucifer bristled and crossed his arms. “…fine.”

———————

Sleep went by too quickly… way too quickly. Paimon rubbed his eyes and trudged through the hallway. Stupid mondays… stupid school… stupid Mammon… wait did Paimon say that out loud, because the Avatar of Greed and Lucifer himself were standing right in front of him.

“Sup pipsqueak.”

“Hello Paimon.”

Oh, Paimon must have fucked up bad somehow for the Avatar of Pride and the Avatar of Greed to have stopped him in the hallway. Great. Wonderful. Fantastic. The sweet release of death was coming. But what exactly had Paimon done? Was talking to the human exchange student a punishable offence?!

“Lord Lucifer! Lord Mammon! Uh… how can I help you?” Paimon smiled nervously, at this point, nervous was his default state, so this was his normal smile.

“Ya can help us by handin’ over your lunch mon-”

“Oh for fuck’s sake Mammon,” the signature clicking of Himiko’s heels on the stone floor alerted the three demons to her arrival before her voice did. “Stop being a douche.”

“We’re here to offer you a week off.” Lucifer ignored both Himiko and Mammon and kept his eyes fixed on Paimon. “Himiko noticed you were five seconds away from a stress induced heart attack so she campaigned for you to get some time off.”

“I-I-I’m fine, that’s very nice of you to offer but I’m coping well with my extra duties.”

Extra duties, also known as ‘nice things Paimon was doing for a group of demons he respected, which those demons then began to expect him to do all the damn time.’

“Paimon,” Himiko raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “You’re left arm is shaking.”

Paimon silently cursed his stupid arm. “Those are normal shakes!”

“Fuck dude… I don’t even like ya and I want you to take a vacation.”

“Consider it less of an offer and more of an order.” Lucifer said sternly. “Take the week off and come back refreshed. Your school responsibilities will be waived during your time off, now shoo.”

Lucifer waved his hand and strode past him down the hallway. Geez, what a charmer.

“Have fun, Paimon!” Himiko gave him a wave before gesturing Mammon to follow her, class was starting soon after all.

“Th-thank you Ms. Himiko.” Paimon mumbled and began to turn to leave, but Mammon caught the back of his school coat. Huh, a goodbye locker shove perhaps?

“Before ya leave,” Mammon cooed. “What’re ya doin’ with my human?”

“I’m not doing… anything?” Paimon said truthfully.

“Plannin’ on doing anything?”

“N-no?”

“Are ya sure?” Mammon tilted his head, his eyes began to glow dangerously. “Not planning on trying anything?”

“No sir!” Paimon began to wave his hands in an attempt to communicate some extra ‘NO’. “N-not at all! Ms. Himiko’s just a friend!”

Mammon raised an eyebrow and Paimon felt his stomach drop right to the floor. Apparently talking to the human exchange student was a death sentence. Wasn’t the point of this exchange program for demons and humans to get to know each other???

“Really now? How’d you two get to talkin’?”

“I-I uh, she um…” Paimon stuttered. “She swore me to secrecy…”

After blinking a few times in surprise, Mammon dropped Paimon right to the floor. “Alrighty then, I’ll just ask ‘er myself.”

Mammon then sauntered away like nothing happened. Geez… Paimon silently made a wish that Himiko could swallow her pride and actually admit the reason the two became friends so Paimon wouldn’t end up getting his ass handed to him by the Avatar of Greed himself. What a shit way to go…

————

Himiko gave Mammon a glare that could wither roses the moment he began to pepper her with questions about her friendship with Paimon. Geez, couldn’t a lady have some friends who didn’t want to date her? Was that too much to ask?

She let out a sigh and looked around to make sure that she and Mammon were alone in her room and that there was no one walking around in the hallway outside. Good, nobody. “Mammon, Paimon and I exchange gardening tips.”

Mammon blinked a few times and debated pinching himself to see if he was dreaming. His mean little human liked something like gardening..? That was… that was… so fuckin’ adorable! “You… you like gardening..? Really Himi?”

Himiko’s cheeks reddened with embarrassment, which really hindered the effect of her scowl. “Yes. In case you didn’t know, the plants here are very different from the plants in the human world, and I miss having a garden, so,” she gestured to the window out into the HOL’s garden where Mammon noticed quite a few new flower bushes. He had to admit, they were really pretty.

“Oh, so you two aren’t smoochin’ or anything?”

“Mammon,” Himiko smirked and fluttered her eyelashes. “Just because you’re hopelessly in love with me doesn’t mean everyone else is~.”

————

The moment Paimon stepped foot into his apartment he collapsed onto the couch like a… like a… tired person. The man hadn’t had a proper staycation in almost a thousand years, give him a break.

When he was done being a lump on the couch, he looked up at his plants. He hadn’t properly been able to look at them for a while- shit almost all of them were dead. Perhaps Paimon should have invested in a nice garden of cacti instead of fussy water-needing plants. Oh well, he had things to worry about other than his failing garden. His apartment was also a complete mess. After defeating his chronic anxiety by going on a massive cleaning spree, Paimon decided that he had a hankering for some sweets. He ordered in from Madame Scream’s and collapsed back onto the couch.

His pastries arrived and he was fully prepared to dig in until- A knock on the door startled Paimon from his stress free thoughts and the demon rushed to answer the door. The familiar faces of Mephistopheles and Satan awaited him.

“Hey buddy!” Mephisto gave Paimon a friendly (and a little too hard) thwack on the shoulder and walked into the apartment. “I smell foooooooood!”

“Paimon,” Satan flashed a grin and a friendly nod.

“L-lord Satan,” Paimon nodded dumbly, after registering what he was seeing, he stepped aside and let Satan into the apartment, thank fuck he had cleaned it. “What are… what are you doing here? Do you need me to do anything?”

“No, no,” Satan waved Paimon off. “I heard you and Mephisto were trying to solve a mystery and I thought I’d offer my help.”

“Oh! Thank you!” Paimon sputtered, he then turned to his pie, that Mephisto was busily shovelling into his mouth. Mephistopheles gave Paimon and Satan a thumbs up.

“S’great Pai!” Mephisto laughed at his own pun.

The mystery Satan was referring to was the mystery of the vandalized instruments. Paimon had asked Mephisto to help look into it, he was the former president of the newspaper club and had a penchant for getting into trouble and finding people responsible for trouble. It was a last resort kind of thing, really, Mephisto and Paimon never really spoke outside of their few shared classes.

“O-okay, did you guys find anything out..? Do you need me to answer any questions?” Paimon asked, sitting down at his tiny dining table across from Mephisto and Satan.

“We didn’t find much out today, suspect, but we do have some things we’d like to know.” Mephisto pointed a pie-filling covered finger at Paimon. “How do we know it wasn’t you who vandalized the instruments?! I can see the headline now! ‘Band president vandalizes instruments, Mephistopheles hailed as hero and reinstated as newspaper club president!’ I love it!”

“E-eh?!” Paimon jumped backwards in his seat, nearly knocking himself right onto the floor. “Wh-what?! Why would I do that?”

“That’s what I wanna know!” Mephisto slammed his sticky hands down on the table and leaned across to look Paimon right in the face. “Why’d you do it?!”

Satan grabbed the back of Mephisto’s shirt and yanked him back into his seat and gave Paimon an apologetic look. Ah, good cop bad cop, that was the game they were playing.

“Paimon, do you have an alibi?” Satan asked, his tone measured. Paimon meekly nodded.

“Y-yes, technically my alibi is you and your brothers, sir… I was busy all day, and that morning was the last time I saw the instruments before they were wrecked.”

“Mmm, just as I thought,” Satan nodded. “Paimon, does the band have any enemies you know of?”

“N-no,” Paimon said on reflex. “Wait! Yeah… um… a few demons… I have a list…”

He quickly began to write out a list of names. For someone who seemed so meek and pathetic, he had made a lot of enemies… well, less a list of enemies and more of a list of people who found it fun to bother him.

Satan raised an eyebrow as he looked over the list. “Paimon, how?”

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“How does a high ranking demon like yourself have this many petty enemies that you haven’t dealt with yet?”

A shrug was all Paimon could give. He preferred not to hurt people due to petty grudges, which was not a very good trait for a demon to have. No wonder no one respected him…

Satan huffed and nodded to Mephisto. “Well, we’ll look into these leads. Try and have a nice week off, Paimon.”

—————

Day One:

Lucifer needed his coffee, he sat up in his chair and leaned over to look at the clock, 3:30 pm. Paimon should be- ah, right, Lucifer gave him the week off. No matter, he rose from his seat and prepared to get his own coffee. He was a strong independent demon who didn’t need an assistant thank you very much.

When he walked into the kitchen, he nearly choked on air when he saw the technological monstrosity that was the new coffee machine. It had to be new, he had gone into the kitchen all the time to make his own coffee, hadn’t he? No, Paimon had taken care of that for the past how many years..? Geez, when was the last time Lucifer actually had to walk into RAD’s kitchen?

It’s just a coffee machine, Lucifer reasoned, he’d be able to figure it out in no time.

Riddle him this, why did this infernal thing have so many buttons?! The machine let out an unhappy groan and Lucifer was tempted to repeat the sound himself. Stupid coffee machine… back in his day coffee was made with magic, sure it exhausted the person more but… that’s what the coffee’s for!

After about twenty minutes of nearly fruitless labour, Lucifer finally figured out how to get the machine to make coffee to his tastes. He’d throw the machine at the wall if it made him decaf…

Lucifer (eventually) returned to his office and his massive stack of paperwork with his hot mug of caffeinated salvation and sat back down at his desk. His mind began to wander back to the conversation he had with Himiko the day prior.

Had he forgotten basic courtesy? He had known Paimon longer than Himiko could probably comprehend, was Paimon always this willing to get walked over? Lucifer wracked his brain trying to find the answer. He grimaced when he thought back to his time as an angel, but even then, Paimon was the same. A constantly frazzled Dominion who fell from heaven only to end up a frazzled and even more anxious demon.

It was so odd, when they all first became demons, Paimon was one of the large amount who decided that the best way to figure out their new demonic identities was to cause complete and utter chaos. It was an embarrassment, really, but Diavolo knew that no one could get that number of newly turned demons under control without ripping apart the Devildom, so he sent them up to the human world. It was devastating for the humans, but Diavolo knew it was necessary to save his kingdom. While up in the human world, everyone’s powers were tested and the pecking order if you will, was established. Paimon was right near the top.

One of the most powerful demons in the Devildom, one that watched kingdoms burn for his amusement just mere days after falling from grace, had become nothing more than an assistant. When and why? That was what Lucifer was wondering.

Tsk, he didn’t have time to wonder about the motivations of his little fake assistant, he had way too much work to do. He downed his coffee and stared down his paperwork. He was going to do this himself, or collapse from exhaustion trying.

——————

Day 2:

Mammon mindlessly gnawed on his pencil as he stared down at his homework. He was stuck in the library at RAD and couldn’t go home until his stupid work was done. His human had gone off with Asmo to go shopping… dummy… not that he cared or anything…

He needed help, but the great Mammon didn’t grovel! Wait, yes he did. But he usually didn’t have to when it came to his homework. That little nerd Paimon was always down to let Mammon copy his homework. Sure, if Lucifer even dared to ask if Paimon had let Mammon copy his homework, the purple haired demon would sing like a canary. Stupid little snitch….

…Mammon could have really used that little snitch right then…

He searched his mind for anything to daydream about to distract himself from the lame homework. Ah! His human! He liked to think about his human. Her cute little smile… her deep dark eyes… her soft hair that tumbled over her shoulders… her dumb but still somehow cute little headband…

Not that he liked her or anything! Uggggghhhh… this was going to be a long ass study session…

——————

How did things get this way..?

Paimon was once again lying face down on his couch, apparently cleaning only temporarily staved off his mental illness. At least he was spiralling in a clean house…

His concert hall got completely wrecked and his status wasn’t a deterrent to the stupid vandals… Paimon could and had crushed kingdoms beneath his heel! He’d sown discord across entire countries! Humans and demons alike begged to have the privilege of his favour, and now, nothing. Paimon hugged his knees to his chest and tried to ignore the feeling of his glasses digging into the side of his face. The tightness in his chest and gut was indicative of one thing:

Guilt.

Paimon was guilty. After being called back to the Devildom and seeing what he had done to the human world, he felt the worst most roiling and disgusting sense of guilt. He was completely alone, if any other demon that went up there and did the things he did felt guilty about any of it, they were amazing at hiding it. He had been an angel just a few days before he went completely ballistic…

Was his behaviour for the past thousand years some sort of bullshit atonement for him? Tsk, he didn’t have time to give himself a therapy session. He needed to go to sleep. He earned it, after all.

——————

Day 3:

Levi absentmindedly tapped his phone screen, the colourful gacha game was completely failing to fully entrap his attention. Ugh… just get the daily rewards and log out…

A crowd of chattering students walked into the formerly empty classroom to sit and eat lunch. Stupid normies… whenever he had to show up to school he at least had the ability to eat lunch by himself.

It was Paimon’s doing, obviously. After hearing that Levi was having a tough time being at RAD, the demon took it upon himself to make Levi more comfortable. After the first few times, Levi enlisted him as his personal crowd disperser.

He often wandered the halls during lunch making sure everything was alright like the world’s most anxious hall monitor. Whenever Levi happened to notice the sound of Paimon’s feet pattering against the stone floor, it was usually followed by Paimon’s meek little voice telling some wandering students that the classroom was occupied.

Tsk, dumb normie on his dumb vacation. Levi huffed and slid his headphones on to drown out the sound of the other students talking.

Paimon needed to hurry up and get baaaaaaaaaaack…

—————

Day Four:

“Alright, the scene of the crime…” Satan placed his hands on his hips and looked around the concert hall. The Avatar of Wrath had let Mephisto loose on Phenex and Eurynome for questioning. Satan now had the crime scene all to himself for investigating.

Most of the instruments were dented and ruined, hm… maybe he should have viewed the crime scene earlier when it was fresher. Man… all the fictional detectives Satan knew of would be so disappointed in him. Not perturbed, Satan began to peruse the room and take it all in. Well, until Asmo broke down the door shouting his name.

“Saaaaaaaataaaaaaaan!”

“I’m right here, Asmo, you don’t need to yell.” Satan turned and gave him an annoyed look. Asmo only beamed and clapped his hands together.

“No need to be so snide, Satan dear, I’m gracing you with my presence!” Asmo cartoonishly pouted as he almost skipped towards Satan. He looped his arm around Satan’s and began to try and pull him out of the room. “Come on! We’re going to have a self care day!”

“No, no we’re not.” Satan gently removed Asmo’s arm from his and shook his head. “I’m trying to solve a mystery, here.”

“Really?” Asmo raised an eyebrow and absentmindedly twirled a lock of hair with his finger. “Why? Isn’t this Paimon’s business?”

“Yeah, but Paimon asked Mephisto for help and Mephisto asked me, so here I am.” Seeing that Asmo wasn’t convinced, Satan dragged a hand down his face and prayed to the Demon King that his gossip of a brother could keep a secret. “There are no exams to study for, my favourite detective book series just ended, and Lucifer just rehomed a cat I took in. I have nothing else to do and I’m bored as hell.”

Asmo wrinkled his nose, then shrugged and nodded. “Eh, legit enough for me. I’ll help too!”

The two somewhat carefully rummaged around the room, searching for literally any kind of evidence that wasn’t destroyed in the fight between Phenex and Eury.

“Tada~ evidence!” So quickly? Satan had to stop himself from sighing as he turned to face his brother. Asmo proudly presented what looked like a neon orange fake nail, Satan crossed his arms and gave his brother a deadpan stare.

“Groundbreaking.”

“Satan, for a detective you can be really dense sometimes, I swear.” Asmo huffed and fixed his hair. “People who play musical instruments keep their nails short. Fake nails like these are expensive and are stuck onto the actual nail and sealed with magic. This obviously came off by accident, and it doesn’t belong to some band kid.”

“It belongs to the culprit then…” Satan murmured, digging through his pockets for his list of suspects. “Asmo, tell me, does anyone on this list have these kinds of nails?”

Asmo scanned the list of suspects and hummed to himself before snapping his fingers and grinning. “Only Amii would wear something as garish as that.”

Ah, one of RAD’s resident assholes. Amii and their partner in crime, Murmur, were frequent visitors to the detention hall due to their rampant idiocy. Their combined ability to learn absolutely nothing from their past punishments rivalled Mammon’s, and that was saying something because Mammon had gotten strung up at least once a month for the past two thousand years.

So, the little bastards had taken to bothering Paimon recently… perfect! Mystery solved!

Satan scratched his chin, then grinned. “I think we’ve found our culprits. Thanks Asmo, you were a real help.”

“It’s no problem Satan, really, you can repay me by keeping me company while we both have a nice spa day.”

————

Spending time rethinking one’s entire life and trying to cultivate a garden really sapped up Paimon’s energy. He wasn’t lying down on the couch this time though, his new breakdown spot was his kitchen table.

As he expressed to himself multiple times, he was sick and tired of being walked over, he may have hated being a demon, but he still was one. A damn high ranking one at that! He wasn’t some midranking Dominion anymore! He should be treated with basic respect!

The sudden ringing of his phone jolted him from his mini identity/respect crisis and he fumbled to pick it up.

“H-hello?”

“Paimon, you’ll be pleased to know that I have found the culprits.” Satan’s voice rang out from the phone and Paimon let out a sigh of relief. “Though, Amii and Murmur aren’t on school property at the moment.”

“Y-yeah…” Paimon was too emotionally drained to act surprised. “I think they’re on an overnight trip or something… they’ll be back on Monday.”

“And how do you know that?”

“I uh… I checked the budget documents you sent out at the start of the year to make sure no one was skimming funds again…” Paimon pursed his lips and sighed. “Remember what happened last year? I wanted to make sure Mammon didn’t cause you any extra trouble.”

“Ah, right.” Satan said. “Thanks for that.”

A genuine thank you! Paimon’s eyes practically sparkled as he nodded enthusiastically before realizing Satan couldn’t technically see him. “Y-you’re welcome!”

“So, I know it’s your club but this is also RAD property and I assume you know how much musical instruments are to replace…”

“Yeah… rest assured, I’ll deal with those two.” Paimon mumbled.

“Hm, I’d like to be there, if you don’t mind.”

You see, that was code for ‘I’m going to watch you to make sure you’re not just going to give them a lecture on not hurting other people’s feelings.’

“It’s no problem, Lord Satan.” Paimon said. “Come by if you have the time after school. I’ll put on a show.”

——————

Day Five:

Asmo was practically skipping through RAD’s hallways like he was following the yellow brick road or something. What had him so chipper? Some of his friends in the sewing club had agreed to help him sew some of his clothing designs and make them legitimately wearable! EEEEEEEE! He was so excited! He threw open the doors to the club and everyone… did not shower him with affection and praise. Pardon but what was this bullshit?

“Sorry Lord Asmodeus… but we’re in a bit of a crisis. Some of the sewing machines broke and we don’t have any way to replace them right now.” One of the club members said.

“How’d this even happen?!” Asmo huffed. “The sewing club never shuts down! There was a miniature hurricane going through RAD about a century ago and literally none of you skipped your club meeting!”

“W-well, normally we’d call Paimon to order some new machines or call a repairman because the student council usually gets really busy around this time of day…”

“UGH.” Asmo threw his head back and dramatically groaned. “Are there any machines in here that actually work?”

“Y-yes, about three of them…”

The demon pointed to three in the back and Asmo stomped over to begin sewing the one outfit he could do. He had bought nice fabrics and everything…

Asmo pulled out his sketch of the design, he smiled and set it down next to the sewing machine. He remembered how to use these… right?

‘Paimon usually fixes this’ ‘Paimon deserves a break’ ‘Paimon Paimon Paimon’ Asmo had to stop himself from openly rolling his eyes whenever that little pipsqueak’s name was mentioned. The Avatar of Lust had the stinking suspicion that the bespectacled demon wasn’t particularly fond of him. Everyone loved Asmo, that was a known fact, but Paimon had a funny way of showing it.

He never went exactly out of his way to help Asmo with anything. If Asmo requested help, it was always met with a cold ‘yes lord Asmodeus’. Hmph, Asmo had to hold back a bit of a smirk as a thought crept into his mind.

Paimon’s behaviour was truly a testament to how hard the Avatar of Lust is to get over~.

—————

Ready? Okay! The first step to becoming a respected demon was fixing the way he was perceived by others, and people mainly made their judgements on outward appearances.

Paimon was going to fix his self image! No more dorky glasses! Wait… he couldn’t see… damn. Okay, get contact lenses instead! Aaaaaaand he was out of those. New plan, the dorky glasses were staying on for the time being!

Hmmm… maybe he should flatten down his weird little crescent moon shaped Ahoge… Yeah, not going to happen. His hair kept flying right back up no matter how much hairspray he used.

Looking into his bathroom mirror, Paimon wondered how long it had been since he actually fussed over his appearance. 400… 500 years? Geez, that lined up awfully well with the last time he had been on a date… and that ‘relationship’ did not end well.

Oh well, he looked… well he looked like himself. That was fine. He just needed to fix his posture really quick-

The audible crack of Paimon’s spine may have scared his neighbour’s cat and caused the neighbour on his other side to wonder why their hellhound started barking, but at least he was standing up straight again. It was nice not to be slouched forward like the world’s most nervous Igor. Paimon stretched and shook out his shoulders. Huh, he forgot he was supposed to be 5’7 and not 5’5. He should have done this a while ago.

——————

The Weekend:

School was out for the next two days but the student council was still in the stupid building. Lord Diavolo had decided that the school year needed yet another festival week and it was up to the student council to budget, manage, and plan this entire thing, and to top off the sundae of stress, two of their members were missing.

Beel and Belphie were on the complete opposite side of the school, and their dear little human was having a hell of a time dragging them to the meeting. This was Himiko’s reward for not being an asshole.

“Beel, for the love of all things good in the world, I’m sure there will be snacks provided at the meeting, now get your face out of the fridge.” The long suffering Himiko practically begged. The attic nap club were stuck in the cafeteria despite the borderline desperate efforts of the human.

“You can’t know that for sure…” Beel sighed mournfully before he took another bite of whatever eldritch horror those demons called food. “Paimon or Barbatos would usually bring the snacks and neither of them are here…”

Foolishly hoping that the younger of the two twins would be able to do something, Himiko turned to Belphie, who was passed out with his head down on a cafeteria table.

“Belphie, wake up and help me get Beel out of the cafeteria.”

“No. I am asleep.”

“Belphie I swear-”

“Sh. Sleep.”

Beel usually carried Belphie’s unconscious ass to those stupid meetings because Beel knew for a fact there’d be snacks there, and now neither twin would move from the cafeteria. Great. Time to use the pacts Himiko worked so hard to obtain.

This. This was what it was like to be the one master to rule them all. It was glorified babysitting.

“BOTH OF YOU HAUL ASS TO THE ASSEMBLY HALL RIGHT NOW. BRING THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE WITH YOU.”

Monday couldn’t come soon enough…

——————

To be concluded!

Author’s Note: Not too satisfied with this one, but honestly when am I ever satisfied with my own writing? Pai will go politely apeshit next part I promise

TFW you’re royalty and the local brown-noser goes on vacation and you now have no one to boss around :/ totally relatable right guys?

[tippedbykreider]

your love is my turning page | c. kreider

Word count: 17,700 Warnings: Mentions of death, grief, sex, mention of breakdown of previous relationship, mentions of infidelity. Author’s note: This was the first long-fic I ever wrote and to say that I was proud of it is an understatement. I’ve made some minor additions to this and hope you all enjoy it second time around as much as you did the first time. Fic title is from ‘Turning Page’ by Sleeping at Last Summary: Chris Kreider doesn’t believe in fate but a chance meeting in a Manhattan bookstore opens his mind, and his heart, to things he has only ever read about in the books he loves so much.

*

‘We are asleep until we fall in love’ – Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace.

Sometimes in life there are moments where everything changes, suddenly and unexpectedly and in ways that make it impossible to be the same person that you were before. It’s a bit like a storm, sweeping in and rearranging your life completely to a point beyond recognition, where everything changes and you’re left with a choice: mourn what was lost or use it as an opportunity to rebuild and come back stronger than before.

That was the dilemma Roseanna Williams faced after the man she thought she’d grow old with turned out to be nothing more than a huge disappointment. She should have seen it coming if she was to be completely honest with herself, years of waiting for him to outgrow what she presumed to be a teenage phase yielded nothing but frustration and a growing sense of impatience. If you asked any of her close friends and family they would tell you that she should have done it years ago but it never was as easy as just walking away, not when it came to the man whom she had been with since the tender age of fifteen. After she’d graduated university and completed her teaching degree, she was itching and ready for them both to take the next step in their relationship, to make more of a commitment, hell, even get married, but every attempt at an adult discussion about their future was met with resistance and a string of excuses.  The realisation suddenly began to dawn on her that maybe he was a lost cause and that she was wasting the best years of her life by waiting on him to get his shit together. The final straw came when she’d come home early from a teaching conference and found him in bed with someone she had considered to be a friend. That was when the flood defences failed and all the water she’d been ignoring for so long came rushing in, destroying everything she thought she knew and leaving her shaken to the core and gasping for breath. 

It started as a spark of an idea, moving away and getting a fresh start, London perhaps, or maybe somewhere further North. Exeter held too many memories now, the hurt and betrayal burying all of the wonderful times she’d had in the city that had always been her home. She’d discussed it at length with her parents who, while saddened at the prospect of their youngest daughter moving away, encouraged her to pursue whatever would make her the happiest. The spark caught, much like it always did whenever Rosie set her mind to something and before she knew it she was applying for a United States work visa and looking for places to live in New York City. All that was left to do was to pack up her life and trust in the magic of new beginnings.

That was how she ended up in Brooklyn, New York, teaching English Literature at a local high school. It was a different kind of life, one that took her a couple of years to get used to and while Rosie wasn’t quite confident enough yet to call herself a New Yorker, she definitely felt like she had found somewhere that she could call home. That feeling started as a seed, growing roots and leaves every time she would get off the subway at the right stop or find a new coffee shop to try until eventually she could rattle off her favourite places to get an Americano or the best places to get pizza. Her family and friends loved it, naturally, having the perfect reason to come and visit the Big Apple and Rosie loving nothing more than having the opportunity to show off the city she’d grown to adore.

Of course, there were parts of her old life that she missed. How could she not? She missed her family and her university friends. She missed afternoon teas with Devonshire clotted cream and summer days spent at the beach in Torquay. ‘You can always come home, love,’ her mother would say and that was completely true and while a part of her would always yearn for the smell of the sea or the cry of a gull on a soft summer breeze and while her roots were very much planted in Devonshire soil, her heart belonged to New York City.

She’d developed somewhat of a routine during the first couple of years that she’d lived in Brooklyn and it was one that hadn’t changed much, loving nothing more than taking the subway to Manhattan on weekends to spend the day checking out all the small independently run bookstores (when she wasn’t drowning in unmarked papers, of course). This particular late-October Saturday had started much like the others; she allowed herself a well-deserved lie-in after a hectic week of teaching and a bottle of Sangiovese the previous night, savouring her first cup of coffee like it was the first she’d had in months while she set about watering her house plants. A shower that lasted entirely too long, which doubled as a Fleetwood Mac tribute concert that she was sure her neighbours appreciated, was next on the agenda before she finally bundled herself up to face a chilly Autumn day in the city. 

She’d stopped off at her favourite coffee shop on the way to the station and chatted with the young barista, Laura, behind the counter, whom she’d grown to know over the months since Laura had started working there. She’d learned that Laura was planning a trip to Europe next Summer and offered some suggestions of places in England to visit, making sure to get her to promise to not just visit London. With her take-out coffee cradled in her hands, the cup serving her well as a much needed hand-warmer, the late-morning had Rosie heading towards Westsider Books, a favourite haunt of hers that she couldn’t help but keep coming back to. She had no reason at all to think that going to that store was going to prove to be another one of those moments that she could look back on as being a defining moment in her story, but with a push of the door, every star and planet aligned that set her on a course that would change her life forever.

*

Christopher James Kreider was a self-confessed simple man, despite his career choice and the lifestyle that came with it seeming to be anything but. He was incredibly thankful for the certain level of anonymity that came with living in a place like New York; certainly, there were times where he would be recognised and would be stopped for a picture or autograph, but in the sea of a-list celebrities that called the city home, he was just a small fish and was happiest when he was flying under the radar. The kind of life afforded by being a professional athlete playing in the National Hockey League was one that he wasn’t sure he would ever get used to. Sure, he had a sweeping Tribeca apartment that he called home, he had a nice car, he went to work wearing expensive suits and could afford to eat out in the city anywhere he wanted, but the reality of it all was that he was most at ease sprawled out on his couch with a good book and a bottle of wine.

His teammates affectionately called him the hockey Renaissance man, a nod to his impressive pursuits off the ice, but it was never a name that sat comfortably with him. As far as he was concerned, he was just Chris, there was nothing special about him and his ability to deflect praise or compliments was nothing short of reflexive. His days off during the season were few and far between and he was always keen to make the most of the time afforded to him. An early start and cup of coffee usually preceded a quick workout, followed by a shower, a second coffee and a crossword puzzle while he decided how he was going to spend his day. Sometimes he wanted nothing more than to stay within the sanctuary of his apartment and read Hemingway until the sun began to dip below the skyline, other times he would venture out into the city and check out the new exhibit down at the art gallery in Soho before finding somewhere quiet to enjoy a good cup of coffee.

The season had gotten off to a decent enough start, the chemistry between the team seeming to grow with each game and Chris hitting his stride early on. He’d just returned from a three game trip in Canada and despite the slight fatigue he was feeling, he was eager to get out into the city. He wasn’t in the market for anything in particular but there was a lot of joy to be found in rummaging through old record shops or second hand book stores, at least in Chris’s opinion anyway. There was something so special about a pre-loved record or book, he thought, each had their own tale to tell and each held a special place in someone’s heart at one point or another. There were barely any new editions of books on his bookshelves, some so tatty and worn that their bindings were stringy and the pages threatened to abscond if held the wrong way.

Chris was a creature of habit and it was something that he would freely admit. He often visited the stores closest to home, not often venturing further than Midtown, but with nothing but time he found himself on the 1 train and headed towards Upper West Side, Westsider Books his destination of choice. The first thing he noticed upon entering wasn’t the towering shelves that stacked books upon books but the unmistakable scent of vellichor, that grassy, almost vanilla aroma that felt a lot like coming home. The owner offered a friendly smile before nodding towards the vast collection of books.

“There’s fiction all down here, poetry’s at the back and non-fiction’s upstairs. Let me know if there’s something in particular you’re lookin’ for, I know there’s a lotta books in here.”

“Thank you,” Chris replied. “Do you have any Russian literature in at all?”

“We sure do, whatever we’ve got is on the third shelf from the back there, on your left.”

“Perfect, thanks a lot for your help.”

Chris offered the man behind the counter a smile and headed deeper into the shop, stopping in front of an impressive looking collection of Russian classics. It was easy to get lost in the volumes on the shelves, flicking through pages of different editions, some of them older than he’d ever seen before. There was one book in particular though that caught his eye, unassuming and inconspicuous enough, nestled between War and Peace and the Death of Ivan Ilyich. He reached out to touch the navy blue leather but was suddenly caught off-guard by the sensation of cold fingers knocking against his own.

“God, I’m so sorry, I was completely in my own world there.”

His eyes flicked to his right towards the source of the voice, soft and feminine with an accent that he knew not to be local. Rosie hadn’t even noticed him, which now that she was taking in his appearance properly didn’t exactly understand how she’d missed him standing beside her. He was well over six foot, she noted, and impossibly broad, but the thing that stood out to her the most about him was the unmistakable kindness in his hazel eyes, a tranquil grove of moss covered trees with their different shades of bark.

“No, no, you’re good. It’s me, big clumsy oaf over here,” he trailed off with a soft laugh, a slight heat rising in his cheeks now that he was really seeing her, with her eyes that were as blue as a summer sky and hair that reflected the colour of the autumn leaves outside.

“Did you want Anna Karenina?” Rosie asked, nodding towards the shelves.

“Oh, um, it’s okay, you go for it,” he smiled at her, the corners of his eyes crinkling in a way that gave him a kind of softness, a familiarity almost.

“Please, I insist,” Rosie reached for the book and took it from its resting place amongst the other Tolstoy works, handing it to Chris. “I already have three different editions of this, if I took home a fourth I think an intervention would need to be staged.”

Rosie grinned as Chris laughed, the sound full and rich to her ears, while he took the book from her hands and tucked it under his arm.

“Well, we wouldn’t want that now, would we?” He started, his eyes flitting across her features before they settled to meet her gaze. Her grin had faded into a warm smile that reached all the way up to her eyes and she was surveying him with an almost curiosity, one that he found himself matching. “I’m sorry, I know you probably get asked this all the time,” he continued, with an endearing kind of sheepishness that kept the corners of Rosie’s mouth lifted upwards, “but I gotta ask about the accent. I wanna say British but I don’t want to come across like a stereotypically ignorant American if I’m wrong.”

“Oh it’s okay,” Rosie chuckled, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear, “you’re only the third person to ask me today.”

Chris could tell from the sparkle in her eye and the smirk on her lips that she meant no malice in her reply and made an exaggerated cringing grimace in return.

“God, I know. I’m sorry. You must get sick of it.”

“I mean, if I had a dollar for every time someone asked I’d be a very rich lady, but yeah, your ears don’t deceive you, I’m British. Actually from Exeter in Devon specifically, which is like South West England and now I realise that that probably means nothing to you,” she laughed as she caught the slightly vacant expression that had graced his features while she had been explaining her place of birth.

“I know, I’m sorry. I guess I really am a stereotypical ignorant American.”

Rosie responded with a gentle shake of her head as she spoke, “Nah, I wouldn’t say so. I couldn’t tell you the first thing about the rest of the States, it took me longer than I care to admit to just not get lost going two or three blocks down.”

Chris smiled, both at her kindness and the gentle lilt of her accent. “So are you here visiting, or?”

Rosie shook her head again, the auburn waves shaking and falling about her face in a way that had Chris’s smile doubling.

“Well, I’m visiting Manhattan, but I live in the city, been here coming up five years now.”

“Yeah? And you like it?”

Rosie’s smile sparked at the corner of her mouth until it spread like wildfire and lit up the whole of her face. Chris couldn’t help but notice how beautiful it made her look, that kind of smile that was so undeniably authentic and genuine and yet so incredibly rare in a city as big as New York; but there it was, right in front of him and warm like sunshine.

“I love it here,” the affection in her voice clear as day. “It’s so different from anything back home and in the best possible way.”

Chris got the impression from her seemingly deliberate choice of words that there was a story there, but the classic literature aisle didn’t really seem like the time and place to get into it with someone he’d just met, nor did he want to assume that she would even offer that tale to him freely. Instead, he took the book out from under his arm and held it out to her.

“Are you sure you don’t want to take this home with you?”

“I’m positive. ‘Live in the needs of the day’ as Tolstoy would say and I don’t really need that book. I’m sure you’ll give it a wonderful home.”

She met his eyes briefly, her stomach flip-flopping at the softness she found there, and gave him a warm smile that matched the one he was wearing. Chris wasn’t sure what had made him feel so bold. Perhaps it was the feeling of being so completely at ease with her, despite not even knowing her name and despite having known her for a mere five minutes, or perhaps it was the gentleness in her eyes. He didn’t spend too much of his time thinking about it as the words were out of his mouth before he could second guess them.

“At least let me buy you a coffee as a thank you.”

“Do you buy all the women you meet in bookshops coffee?” Rosie quipped without missing a beat.

“Damn, you caught me.”

Rosie laughed, easy and free with her head tipped back and Chris knew in that moment that he needed this woman in his life in some way, the sound bright and rich like the first sip of coffee in the morning or the first rays of summer sunshine filtering through curtains. He was still surveying her with an easy grin as she shuffled on her feet slightly, deciding whether she was going to let her head or her heart reign supreme today.

“I don’t usually make a habit of getting coffee with strangers,” the small smile still playing on her lips despite the tentative nature of her words.

Chris instinctively offered his hand out for her to shake.

“Well, I’m Christopher and you are?”

Rosie placed her hand in his, the smile on her face doubling in size at his kindness as she shook his hand, and tried to ignore the way her heart started to race at how warm and easy his touch felt.

“Rosie, or Roseanna if we’re using our Sunday names.”

“Nice to meet you, Rosie,” Chris said, his tone gentler than was probably necessary in the moment but it had Rosie feeling more relaxed in his presence by the second. “See, we’re not strangers anymore.”

“No, I don’t suppose we are. Alright then, Christopher, I accept your proposal of coffee and if you turn out to be an axe murderer then I hope you enjoy the book.”

It wasn’t very often that Rosie let curiosity get the better of her but there was something telling her to surrender to this moment in front of her, to let her heart win for once and throw caution to the wind. There was something about Chris and his aura that made it incredibly easy to ignore that prudent and wary voice in the back of her head that would usually call for rational and cautious thinking in situations such as this one, the voice that is often nurtured during childhood by parents and adults alike to help keep you safe from harm, the voice that would warn you about the dangers of strangers. Chris was a stranger, this was, of course, an undisputed fact, but Rosie didn’t feel like she was in any danger with this man. She guessed that it had an awful lot to do with the genuine warmth that seemed to radiate from him that made her feel less like she was with a someone she’d just met in a book shop and more like she was catching up with an old friend. It was incredibly rare that she felt so at ease with someone, let alone a man she knew nothing about except for his name, but she’d grow to learn that that was just the magic of Chris, his sincerity and kindness always radiating from him like the glow of an open fire on a cold winter’s night.

“I can say with absolute certainty that I’m not an axe murderer,” he grinned. “But if it would make you feel better I was planning on taking you to Irving Farm, y’know, so you can check in with someone if you wanted.”

That simple gesture alone told Rosie all she needed to know about Chris, the fact he was so cognizant of how a woman might be feeling going to get coffee with a man she’d just met. It was that thoughtfulness and that tingle of curiosity and wonder that had her following him to the counter and waiting as he paid for his book before they both ventured back out into the chilly air and towards the café. Making small talk on the short walk there was incredibly easy, the effortless nature of their conversation not lost on either of them and as they sat down opposite each other in a quiet corner of the shop, shedding their coats and scarves, Chris took the opportunity to really appreciate the beauty of the woman in front of him.

She was classically pretty, he thought, with her auburn locks freed from the confines of the scarf she had been wearing and the slight ruddiness to her cheeks from the way the cold air had kissed them during their short walk. But more than that, it was the way her presence seemed to uplift him in a way he hadn’t ever experienced before. Chris was an incredibly practical and logical man and the idea of kindred spirits wasn’t something that he subscribed to, but there was just something about Rosie. It was a sense of familiarity and a feeling often only felt between two people who had known each other for years. It was a feeling that, unbeknownst to him, Rosie shared too, not quite being able to remember a time where she was able to enthusiastically discuss literature at such great lengths with someone.

“So come on,” Chris said over his cup of coffee after they’d settled at a table in a quiet corner of the café. “You were able to quote Anna Karenina from memory, is there a particular reason for that or have I managed to find an even bigger book nerd than I am?”

Rosie smirked as she took a sip from her cup, eyes sparkling as she surveyed Chris. “I am a pretty big book nerd, but no, I actually teach literature.”

Chris’s eyebrows raised as an impressed little smirk pulled the corner of his lips upwards. He set his cup down and clasped his hands in front of him on the table.

“Forgive me for being bold here and by all means tell me to mind my own damn business, but what exactly makes a British literature teacher cross an ocean and put roots down in New York City?”

Rosie paused for a moment, chewing over her words in her mind.

“A vague sense of wanderlust, I guess,” she began carefully. “I don’t know, there was just… a lot of stuff that happened in my life and it felt like a good time for a fresh start while I was still young enough and brave enough to do it.”

“I’m sorry if that was too personal,” Chris looked at her apologetically, the slight flicker of sadness that had appeared in her eyes too prominent to ignore. “I didn’t mean to bring any painful memories back for you by prying.”

“It’s absolutely fine. All the diversity, all the charm and all the beauty of life are made up of light and shade, right?”

“You really love that book, don’t you?” Chris asked her softly, recognising the quote from the book currently sitting in the brown paper bag by his feet immediately, and with a gleam in his eye.

“It’s one of my favourites,” Rosie replied. “It’s probably up there with Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, Pride and Prejudice and For Whom the Bell Tolls.”

“You like Hemingway?” Chris’s eyes crinkled with his grin and shone with excitement as she nodded in agreement. “I love Hemingway,” he added. “He’s easily my favourite author.”

Rosie leaned forward in her seat and rested her arms on the table with her cup still cradled in her hands, Chris mirroring her action, like two school children about to share a secret.

“I love the beautiful simplicity of his writing. It’s direct but without losing any of the emotion or feeling. Like, don’t get me wrong, Russian literature and authors like Tolkien are wonderful and they certainly have their part to play, but sometimes there’s just no need for pages and pages just to get a point across. That’s the beauty of Hemingway, the straightforwardness of it.”

“Yes!” Chris exclaimed, his face lighting up. “That’s exactly it. Take The Old Man and the Sea as an example, that book is what? Twenty-seven thousand words? But the feeling and the message that he’s able to get across, it’s amazing. God, I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve read that book.”

“A favourite of yours, then?”

Chris nodded as he picked up his mug. “Without a doubt, followed closely by For Whom the Bell Tolls and An Immovable Feast.”

He punctuated his statement with a wink and a smile, savouring the way Rosie’s face would ignite with pure joy as she laughed.

“Perhaps we should compare notes,” she mused behind her coffee.

“Is that you saying you wanna meet up again?” Chris asked, a cocky grin on his face.

“What if it is?” She countered quickly, a twinkle in her eye that had Chris’s heart thundering in his chest.

“Then I think you’d better take my number.”

 *

The weeks passed and autumn collapsed into winter, the first frosts clinging to everything and covering the city in opaline glitter. Rosie’s schedule had begun to slow following the initial insanity of the beginning of the academic year as things started to wind down for the holidays. She’d spent a lot of her free time preparing for her annual trip home to England to spend Christmas with her family, something that she looked forward to all year. Whatever time was left was spent reading or catching up with Chris, who had been equally busy with his work as a professional hockey player. He’d mentioned this to her briefly and in passing during their phone calls, which certainly explained why his schedule was often so all over the place, but the concept was so alien to Rosie that she didn’t feel the need to pry further. Growing up in Devon meant that her exposure to a sport like ice hockey was next to nothing, her knowledge extending as far as movies such as The Mighty Ducks would afford. In fact, when she thought about it, she didn’t know anybody who played sports professionally in any capacity and so while she was intrigued by Chris and the story behind how he came to be in such a career in a city like New York (knowing him to be from Massachusetts originally), she also knew that he was so much more than all of the stereotypes she’d heard associated with professional athletes.

He wasn’t a big, dumb jock, far from it actually. Chris was incredibly intelligent, philosophical in ways she admired so much but with an endearing and quick sense of humour. His thirst for knowledge and appreciation for the world around him was unlike any she’d ever seen and it somehow made him more handsome than any of his classically good-looking physical features. There was an intrigue, of course, surrounding him and his job, but Rosie also knew that he would offer that part of himself to her in time and when he felt most comfortable doing so. She imagined that he didn’t always get to have the luxury of authentic meetings with people who didn’t already know about him and his job, and for all the lovely moments he’d already given her in their growing friendship, she wanted to pay him back in kind by not forcing anything on him that he wasn’t yet ready to talk about.

It was incredible really, how easy it was for her to fall into friendship with Chris, made only easier with each discovery of a new shared interest. Their texts would often consist of them sending things the other might find interesting such as a new book or a new song to listen to. Hearing from him was something that she found herself looking forward to, especially appreciating when he would take time out of his day while he was away from home to check in with her and catch up.

As the end of the semester creeped closer, Rosie found herself surrounded by gifts she had already wrapped ahead of her trip home and a small pile of clothes, the open suitcase on the bed still empty despite her best intentions. She always found packing incredibly dull (although admittedly not as bad as unpacking once she returned to New York) and would often preoccupy herself with anything and everything to avoid doing it, which always resulted in a stressful last-minute packing situation that she was keen to avoid this year. She stood with her hands on her hips as she surveyed the situation in front of her, deciding the best way in which to go about organising her suitcase, when her phone vibrated against her dressing table. Unable to contain the flicker of a smile that tugged at her mouth as she saw the Caller ID flash with Chris’s name, she answered.

“Hey, you.”

She could hear what sounded like a group of very rowdy men in the background in what she could only assume was a bar.

“I need you to help settle a debate.”

Rosie smiled as she cradled her phone between her cheek and her shoulder, using her free hands to pick up a pair of jeans and place them into the suitcase.

“Sounds serious.”

“Oh it is and we’re at a deadlock over here so your opinion decides it, I hope you can handle that kind of pressure,” Chris teased.

“Oh, Christopher, I was born ready.”

“Alright, but this is like legit serious stuff.”

“Out with it, Chris,” Rosie laughed.

“Crunchy or smooth?”

“Excuse me?” Rosie asked with an incredulous look on her face that she knew Chris would’ve laughed at had he been able to see her.

“Peanut butter,” he clarified. “Crunchy or smooth?”

“Wow,” Rosie deadpanned. “And here I was thinking you were about to ask me something incredibly philosophical.”

“Oh come on, Ro, don’t leave me hanging here.”

“I suppose if I had to choose, I’d probably go with smooth.”

“Ha!” Chris exclaimed, causing Rosie to jump. “She said smooth, looks like you’re the one with the weird peanut butter preferences, Foxy.”

Rosie furrowed her brow at the incoherent shouting and cheering in the background as she put more clothes into her suitcase.

“I’m so confused right now.”

She listened as the sound of raucous chatter faded into a faint buzz and Chris’s voice came back through the speaker clearer yet softer than it had been before.

“Sorry about that, the guys can get a little excitable sometimes.”

“Rookies had too many beers?”

“Yeah,” Chris breathed. “Something like that. How’re you doin’ anyway? Things settled for you at work?”

“Yeah,” she replied softly, perching herself on the edge of her bed, careful not to knock any of the small wrapped packages onto the floor. “I got all of those papers turned round and the results were actually kind of encouraging, which was nice.”

“That’s probably because they’ve got a good teacher.”

“Oh my god, stop,” Rosie blushed, thankful that he couldn’t see the interesting shade of pink her face had turned.

Chris’s reply was unexpected, somehow managing to knock her back a bit with the sincerity and softness in his tone that seemed more intimate than perhaps their current level of friendship afforded.

“I mean it, Ro. I know you know your stuff. They’re lucky to have someone like you teaching them.”

His words hung in the air around Rosie for a few seconds while she processed them, or rather, while she started to analyse the tenderness in his tone that she was sure she hadn’t imagined. He didn’t give her too long to get lost in it though as he was speaking again before she had a chance to truly unpack her thoughts.

“So things have settled down for you, yeah?”

“Um, yeah.. Yeah. I’ve just been packing for my trip back home,” Rosie replied, picking up one of the small gift-wrapped boxes and examining it for no particular reason.

“Right, of course. When is it you fly?”

“December twenty-first, fly back into JFK on the fourth of January.”

“I’ll be in California when you get back,” he said, a hint of disappointment in his voice. “But it’d be great to see you before you go to England. Maybe dinner or coffee?”

“That would be really nice, Chris,” the smile evident in her voice to Chris even through the phone.

“Great, we’ll arrange something once I’m back in the city at the end of the week.”

“Sounds perfect.”

Chris hesitated, not quite ready to say goodbye but knowing that he should probably get back to the others and leave Rosie to the rest of her evening. He knew he had to though, even if it did make his chest ache for reasons he didn’t quite understand.

“I’ll let you get on with your packing,” he half-sighed.

“Please don’t feel like you need to,” Rosie replied with the faintest hint of a plea.

“I do because if I don’t you’ll never finish packing your suitcase.”

There it was, that easy teasing that had become a defining feature of their friendship in just the few weeks they’d known each other and had managed to shift the atmosphere between them from something that neither could quite put their finger on to one that was much more playful and familiar.

Rosie groaned exaggeratedly, earning her a hearty chuckle from Chris.

“But I hate packing,” she whined.

“Welcome to being an adult, suck it up, Buttercup.”

“You’re mean.”

Despite her words, Chris knew that there was no truth in them and he also knew that she herself didn’t believe them, which made the playful back-and-forth banter between the two of them come easily.

“No, I’m Chris.”

“Oh my god!” Rosie laughed, exasperated. “I’m hanging up now, goodbye!”

Chris’s rich chuckle was the last thing she heard before she ended the call and tossed her phone onto her pillows, shaking her head at the ridiculousness of his humour before turning her attention back to the pile of clothes by her suitcase.

 *

Christmas went as quickly as it came, passing in such a blur that it had Rosie questioning if she’d had any time off at all. It didn’t take her long to settle back into the groove of things though, it never did, and by the time the frosts of winter began to thaw, the warm glow of the festive season was nothing more than a cheerful memory. Much like the first beautiful petals of spring, Chris and Rosie’s friendship continued to blossom.

Rosie would have been lying if she said that she didn’t wish their schedules would match up more. A particularly busy January for Chris meant that they hadn’t had chance to meet since just before Christmas and it had Rosie wondering just what exactly Chris’s job entailed. It wasn’t really something that had come up during their phone calls and it was something that she felt deserved to be done face-to-face rather than over a text message, because truth be told, she didn’t have the first idea when it came to ice hockey. Keen to know more about the man that was fast becoming somebody she considered to be a close friend, she resolved to ask him the next time they met for coffee.

“So are you ever going to tell me about this big, shiny career of yours or am I supposed to just keep thinking you’re some James Bond of professional hockey,” she mused as she broke off a piece of blueberry muffin and popped it into her mouth.

Chris blushed slightly as he took a drawn out sip of coffee.

“I mean, yeah, sure. What do you wanna know?”

He set his cup down and clasped his hands on the table in front of him, the flicker of nervousness extinguished quickly by the kindness that rested within her eyes.

“Well,” she started. “I believe I’ve mentioned before that the only hockey I knew of before meeting you was the field hockey they made us play at secondary school. So, everything I guess? Oh, and I’m going to need you to explain like I’m five.”

Chris couldn’t help but chuckle at the good-natured smirk on her face and ran a hand along the stubble at his jaw.

“Alright, well. I guess it wouldn’t hurt to start from the top. I played hockey in high school, then went to Boston College, they have a really good collegiate hockey programme there and it’s a good school to boot. I got drafted in 2009 by the New York Rangers then I signed my first contract with them in 2012, been here ever since.”

“So you must be bloody good at hockey then,” Rosie said after swallowing her coffee which made the pink tinge to Chris’s cheeks even more prominent.

“I mean, I’m not terrible.”

Rosie grinned at him and at his humility which she had come to know as being one of Chris’s prominent traits. “And your schedule? I know it’s a bit mental but what does an average day look like for you?”

“That depends,” Chris replied. “Are we talking an off-day? Game day? Away trip?”

“All of the above?” Rosie laughed.

“My days off I still like to get a work-out in, even if it’s just a small one. But other than that? I don’t know, maybe meet incredible women from Devon in bookshops?”

It was Rosie’s turn to have her cheeks flush, especially with the way Chris was looking at her with an unreadable look in his eyes. Chris continued though, despite the thundering in his chest at how beautiful she looked in that moment.

“Game days I’ll usually get up, go to practice. I try and take a nap in the afternoon before I have to go down to the Garden to get ready for the game and it’s much the same if I’m away on the road. We usually practice before we travel to wherever it is we’re headed.”

“That sounds incredibly full-on.”

“It is,” Chris agreed. “But it really makes you appreciate the time at home and the moments of stillness. Why’d you think I love getting lost in a good book so much?”

“Because, in the words of Dr Seuss, ‘the more you read, the more things you’ll know. The more you learn, the more places you’ll go.’”

Chris looked at her softly, a warm smile on his face. “Spoken like a true teacher.”

“So come on then,” she blushed, steering the conversation away from herself and back to him. “You went to Boston College, right? What did you end up studying?”

“Communications,” Chris said as he finished taking a sip of coffee. “I uh, it was really important to my mom for me to finish my degree so I kept plugging away at it even after I went pro.”

“Wow,” Rosie looked at him, clearly impressed. “That’s incredible, Chris. I mean, getting a degree is a hard enough slog when you’re doing it full time, but to do it while you’re travelling here there and everywhere? That’s no easy feat.”

It was Chris’s turn to blush now, too humble and too modest to be able to accept the praise Rosie was giving him.

“I knew how much it meant to my mom and I just wanted to make her happy, that and I was too stubborn to not finish something I’d started.”

“Your birthday is the end of April, right?” She said rather suddenly but as if something had clicked in the back of her mind.

“Yeah, April 30th. Why? You been googling me?”

“Oh it’s nothing really,” she said quickly, face flushing and suddenly aware of how stupid it would sound to him if she actually said it out loud. “And for the record, I haven’t googled you, I just remembered you mentioning your birthday last time we met up.”

“Nah, you can’t just do that,” he chuckled softly. “Come on, what were you gonna say?”

“Well,” she started, her fingers and eyes finding the coffee cup in front of her, anything to avoid the part where he looked at her like she was mad. “I was just gonna say that you really are a typical Taurus.”

Chris leaned forward in his seat, hands settling just shy of hers but the almost contact enough to make her skin spark.

“That so?” he mused. “You big into your astrology?”

“No, well yes, sort of,” she rushed and Chris could tell that she was almost ashamed of the admission. “I don’t read magazine horoscopes or anything like that because they really are a load of bollocks. But natal charts and stuff like that? I find them totally fascinating. I um, I’m kind of into crystal healing, I sage my apartment, I know it’s nuts.”

“No it’s not,” Chris took her hand then, the need to reassure her and ground her in a moment where she felt vulnerable and exposed. “Is it something that I believe in personally? No, not really. But truthfully I don’t know anything about it either. If it makes you happy then it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Maybe you could tell me more about it over dinner or something?”

Rosie looked at him thoughtfully, so appreciative of him in that moment and that ineffable gift of his to make her feel valued and listened to. It was that and all the other wonderful little facets of himself that he was showing her that had her agreeing to his proposal of dinner. She thought about the level of bravery that it must have taken for him to talk about that other side of his life, the side that she knew nothing about, no matter how small or trifling it might have seemed to anyone else. While she might not have had the first clue when it came to the sport or could even truly comprehend what Chris’s life was like, she understood that it must be incredibly difficult for somebody in his situation to forge true and meaningful relationships with people, friendly or otherwise, because when it feels like someone you have just met thinks they already know everything about you, it’s incredibly hard to let the guard come down and let people get close. That is what Chris appreciated the most about Rosie, though, the fact that she hadn’t the faintest idea who number 20 of the New York Rangers was. Every conversation they’d ever shared and every question she’d ever asked came from a genuine and altruistic desire to get to know him better. Even now, as she encouraged him to share that other part of him, that so many others defined him by, it came only from a place of pure and innocent curiosity. She asked about his job much in the same way she would ask an accountant or doctor about theirs.

Being able to have that conversation with her about his life and his job only served to strengthen the bond that they shared and he was incredibly thankful for Rosie’s understanding and willingness to fit her schedule and life around his. As the months passed and summer fast approached, Chris found himself for the first time reluctant to escape the stifling heat of the city after the season had ended. He was enjoying being able to spend more time with Rosie now that the school year had come to a close and he was shocked to learn that even after living in the city for close to six years at that point, she still hadn’t explored all of Manhattan. Their days were filled with walks around the West Village, Midtown or Tribeca and having lunches at tiny hole-in-the wall cafés where they would show each other the books they had picked up in whatever shop they’d found themselves in that morning.

It was that time shared together that made it incredibly easy for Rosie to become a stable fixture in Chris’s life with evenings spent at each other’s apartments having dinner and sharing wine. Rosie had learned quickly that Chris was a capable cook and Chris loved nothing more than when Rosie would cook pasta for him, even if it wasn’t exactly his nutritionist’s dream. It was easy to relax in that kind of way around her, forgetting the strict food regime every once in a while to really savour the beef ragu she made that he loved so much, always washed down with a couple of bottles of Sangiovese shared between them and finished with a homemade tiramisu. It was wholesome, much like she was with the softness of her curves and her insouciant attitude when it came to her looks. That was not to say that she didn’t make an effort, that wasn’t the case at all, for she would always look so put together and incredibly beautiful whenever Chris would see her, but she was the kind of woman who wouldn’t think twice about letting herself indulge in a slice of cake with her coffee or get too hung up on the calorie content of a pasta carbonara, which was a quality that Chris found to be both incredibly refreshing and endearing.

The natural quality of their relationship should have made it incredibly easy for Rosie to give in to those feelings she found beginning to settle in her chest. Chris was a wonderful man, that much was undeniably true and it should have been simple to confront the ache she felt whenever he went away. But if there was one thing Rosie had learned in her life, it was that if you expect too much, if you put people on pedestals that were too high, you would find yourself being disappointed. That was a simple fact of life. People were just that, people, capable of making mistakes. They were not divine beings, no matter how much we saw them as such through our own eyes. It was that idea alone that startled her; that a man such as Chris could be capable of disappointing her by the pure reasoning of the human condition and that was a thought that she couldn’t bear. So she pushed it down, down and down until it was quieter than a whisper. But even whispers can’t be ignored forever, and so with each comment from Chris’s friends about how happy he was since meeting her or each time her skin would spark at the feeling of his hand on the small of her back, the whisper grew, growing and growing with every team event she attended on his arm or every party he asked her along to, until it was a shout.

Relationships had never been something to come easy to Chris, he was too careful and too private; the gnawing feeling in his stomach that told him there was always some ulterior motive was often too arresting to ignore. It should have frightened him, the way Rosie came into his life and smashed through every wall he’d ever built without even doing much at all, but it didn’t. Rather than look at all the bricks and the rubble and be unnerved by the ease in which she was able to coax his vulnerability out of him, he found himself inspired, determined even, to build something truly beautiful with her. Chris knew that he would have to find a way to navigate these feelings with her, cognizant of the need to not throw her into the deep end and shock her system. Rosie deserved better than that because this wasn’t just about him and his feelings, it was about them and their relationship, what it was now and what it could be.

She was brilliant, in every way a person could be, beautiful and with a passion that glowed like the fiery tresses of her hair under a New York sunset. She was bold and sharp as a tack, keeping him on his toes in a way that no one else had ever been able to and he was sure that no one else would ever again. It was late night conversations where they were three bottles of wine deep talking about philosophy and ethics or her reading silently while he played guitar, it was listening to Pearl Jam with her whenever she cooked or Billy Joel when they were curled up together on the sofa, debating whether Radiohead or Nirvana was more influential in the grunge music scene. Hell, it was even looking up his birth chart, even though he didn’t believe in astrology, because there was just something about the way she said ‘You’re such a typical Sagittarius moon.’ Her warmth and her kindness always managed to ground him in moments where he would feel himself slipping, as sure as the moon rises and sets each night, especially once the season had restarted and those niggling insecurities would rear up and settle heavily in his chest, and yet he could tell that she never really knew the exact power that she held. She had his heart completely, whether she was aware of it or not and that was something that Chris hoped would never change. She’d slotted into his life like she had always belonged there, like she had always been there and that feeling only seemed to grow inside of Chris with every dinner they shared with his friends and every time he would see her face in the stands of MSG.

*

The week before Christmas brought an uncharacteristically early winter storm to New York unlike any Chris had ever seen throughout his whole time living there, forcing the city to a standstill and grounding flights, which meant that for the first time since moving to the States, Rosie wasn’t going to be home for Christmas. The idea of her spending the holiday alone in her apartment made Chris’s heart ache and so that was how Rosie ended up in his Tribeca apartment on Christmas Eve, bundled up with him on the sofa under a blanket, each with a mug of homemade mulled wine. The Muppet’s A Christmas Carol played quietly through the tv, one of Rosie’s Christmas Eve traditions that he would never dream of denying her, although, no matter what he would later admit to, he spent more time observing the gentle expression on her face as she got lost in the nostalgia of it all than he did actually paying attention to the screen. She felt him though, not even needing to take her eyes off the movie to know that he was watching her.

“You’re missing all the good bits,” she smirked.

“It’s okay, I’ve read the book. I know what happens.”

There was a slight grit to his tone that Rosie couldn’t quite place but crawled under her skin and kindled a small flame in her stomach all the same.

“But there were no Muppets in the book.” She turned to face him then and took in the expression within his eyes, darker than she’d ever seen them before. “Kermit really brings Dickens’ story to life.”

“I mean, Beaker steals it for me but we’ll agree to disagree.”

The air thickened around them and Rosie took a long sip of her wine, longer than perhaps she should have, but she needed to swallow away the tightness in her throat from the way Chris was looking at her. Like planets to a sun, Rosie found herself drawn to him, suddenly feeling him everywhere despite the fact they were at opposite ends of his couch. It was that gravity that had her shuffling towards him, crawling into his space in the same way she had crawled into his heart. He was warm, she thought, comfortingly so and the worn hoody on his body felt soft and had the familiar, soothing scent that was so uniquely Chris. Perhaps that is what had her curling into his side and resting her head on his shoulder and perhaps that new-found closeness was what had him pressing his lips into her hair.

There was no way either of them could deny what this was between them, the spark too bright to ignore. Rosie knew that they weren’t just friends, she knew that and she knew that Chris felt it too, that was why his face was turned towards hers, his lips impossibly close so that all she needed to do was tilt her head and give in to what her heart was crying out for. But her head was a cruel mistress indeed and it was that irrational but crippling fear of eventual disappointment that made her clear her throat and scoot back a shade, giving herself some much needed breathing room.

Chris exhaled quietly, the deflation leaving him on the breath. It was almost frustrating how close they were, the finish line within touching distance and yet they always seemed to stop short of it. Chris was there, he was there waiting and willing her to take those last few steps and cross it with him but he knew that he couldn’t force this, nor did he want to either. She had to want it for herself and Chris knew, as he looked at her sitting there chewing on her bottom lip with her brows knitted together in pensive thought, that she was worth the wait, even if it took a lifetime.

The post-holiday back to work rush was one that was felt universally. Those first few weeks always seemed to feel as though there was never enough hours in the day to get everything done and it was no different for Chris and Rosie, both caught up in their jobs to really sit and digest the moment between them at Christmas. Christmas Day had been incredibly busy with Chris hosting a couple of the younger players for dinner and no sooner had the festivities ended he was packing a bag ready to depart for Washington the following morning. They both knew that they had a lot of things to discuss, because that’s what adults did, they talked about their feelings in a healthy and open way, but as the busy-ness of their schedules ramped up, the hours slipped away and turned into days. Days spanned into weeks and weeks turned into months and before either of them knew it, the moment seemed so distant in the rear-view mirror, that it almost felt weird to bring it back up.

 *

The hockey season ended for Chris some time during May, the Rangers making it as far as the second round of the playoffs but unable to close it out after seven hard fought games. The disappointment sat heavy in his chest, much like it always did after losses like these, but he would have been a fool not to notice the way that it didn’t hang all about him in the way it had previous years. Of course, the wound still cut deep but without the festering ache of poison and he knew the antidote was the woman who had swept into his life nearly two years prior. 

It was remarkable really, how she came into his world like that. It was an event that Chris had always described as being purely serendipitous but the longer he spent with Rosie, the more he began to wonder if there was something else at play, hell, even fate perhaps. He had prided himself on being a shrewd man, his practicality something that had always defined him and guided his thoughts and actions, but whenever he thought about them and their relationship, he had to believe that it was more than just some happy accident. Rosie was pure magic, in every sense of the word, always having an uncanny ability to know what he needed before he even did and making him relax in ways he had never previously allowed himself to. It was cliché to say, but Chris genuinely believed that he had never lived until he met her and slowly, over the course of the last year, maybe even longer, the love songs on the radio made a little bit more sense and every love story he’d ever read sat a little bit differently in his heart. He knew that he was going to have to find a way to truly make her his, because despite all of the times where he felt like he could’ve just grabbed her face and kissed her, despite all of the unspoken feelings that had surfaced at Christmas, and despite the fact that they hadn’t yet managed to talk about them, the dynamic between them both after their almost kiss hadn’t changed at all except in the small way that he found himself having to stop himself from holding her in the way that he wanted to more often than not.

He thought about the one night she’d almost burst with excitement over their dinner at her apartment when he told her he had finally sat down and read Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, remembering the wind-scattered waves in her eyes and so sure that if anyone was brave enough to enter their depths, all else would blur and they would fall so deeply in love that they’d choose to stay there, no matter what, because he knew for certain that he had befallen that very fate. He recalled thinking that if that was the last thing he was to ever see, he would surely die a happy man. She had recited her favourite quote to him that he thought to be beautiful at the time but now hitting him like a freight train and knocking all of the wind out of his sails. It crawled through his skin and into his veins until he felt it coursing through his body until it had made a home within his very soul:

‘Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body… for that is just being in love, which any of us can convince ourselves that we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away.’

It was those words that had his feet carrying him to his car and those words that had him driving from his apartment to her home in Brooklyn and it was those words that had him standing outside of her front door ready to offer his heart to her. He knocked, more out of habit than anything, the key she had given him a few months ago being turned over between his fingers as he waited and the anxiety beginning to rise with each second that passed without her appearing at the door. He exhaled before finally putting the key into the lock, certain that she was home despite the fact that his visit was unplanned and unannounced.

“Rosie?” he called out into the hallway. “Are you there?”

The silence was unsettling and completely uncharacteristic, made worse by the fact that her car was parked outside in its usual spot and the fact that he could’ve sworn she’d mentioned during their phone call the night before that she was planning on having a day at home to do laundry and catch up on all of those less-important chores she didn’t have the time to do during the school year. 

‘Maybe she’s not home after all’, he thought after a couple of minutes without a reply, more to soothe his own anxiety more than anything else. ‘She’s obviously decided to go out for a walk somewhere. That must be it.’ He was just about to turn away and leave, suddenly aware of how intrusive his presence in her home was when she clearly wasn’t there, when he was certain he heard her voice call his name.

“Rosie?”

A sob drifted down the hallway, muted but no less full of raw pain and anguish that had his legs carrying him towards the sound in big, long strides until it brought him to her bedroom where the door stood slightly ajar. He slowly pushed it open with an exhale of a breath he hadn’t felt being held within his lungs and his heart lurched at the sight of her curled up on her bed sobbing into her pillow. To go to her was instinctive, his soul called out to hers in a desperate attempt to soothe whatever pain she was in and he found himself kneeling at the side of her bed with his long fingers smoothing back the titian strands that had fallen into her face and clung to her tears.

“Ro, what happened?”

She didn’t answer him, couldn’t answer him, in fact, and so he moved onto the bed, gathering her up into his arms and held her close to his chest while he rubbed circles on her back, murmuring softly into her hair to try and still her sobs. He felt the way she clung on to him like she was drowning and he was the life-preserver and pressed gentle kisses against her forehead until her crying was no more than quiet sniffles.

“Rosie, sweetheart, talk to me. What happened? Are you okay?”

“My grandma,” she choked out against the fabric of his t-shirt. “My grandma died.”

Chris closed his eyes and exhaled as the second wave of tears took her, holding her steadfast against him and saying nothing other than reassuring her that he was there for her. He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that for, with her still impossibly close to him long after she’d finished crying herself hollow, until after the tears had dried and all that was left was the crippling deadweight of grief. It was Chris that spoke out into the new but deafening silence, his voice barely audible and a little rough from his own emotion that sat threateningly high in his throat.

“I’m so sorry, Rosie…”

The tiny exhale that passed Rosie’s lips had Chris’s heart breaking in two for her. Her reply small and full of defeat. “She’d had dementia for a while… Didn’t really know who any of us were,” she sniffled, dangerously close to losing it again. “Every time I went back home it was like she had to learn who I was all over again. I know that this was the kindest thing to happen but-”

Chris kissed her forehead as she choked back a sob, a wordless assurance that she didn’t need to say another word and a quiet understanding of the pain and emptiness that she was drowning in. 

“When are you flying home?” He murmured softly.

“I’m going to try and get a flight home for tomorrow, Thursday at the latest.”

“It’s gonna be expensive to try and get something that short notice, Ro.”

“That’s why I have savings,” Rosie gave a small, almost robotic shrug as she wiped her face, the emotion quickly being forced back down into her stomach as she turned her focus towards the things that she could control to keep herself from spiralling into hysterics again. “In case of an emergency.”

“Let me pay for your flight home,” Chris offered. “Please, it’s the least I can do.”

“You know I can’t accept that, honey.”

Chris had been friends with Rosie long enough to be familiar with the fact she often used terms of endearment whenever she was talking to him, but even now, especially now, with all those feelings of complete clarity about her and about them and their relationship that sat in his chest, it still managed to knock him back a bit and make his heart swell even in a moment as awful as this one. 

“Why not?”

He knew that this was a situation where he shouldn’t push too hard, that she would either pull away from him or direct all of that grief and emotion his way, like a cornered animal seconds away from deciding whether to fight or bolt. He knew he shouldn’t push this but he needed to do something, the overwhelming demand coming from his heart to make this right and fix this for her too much to ignore.

“Because I’m not your problem, Chris,” Rosie said, completely deflated. “Because this doesn’t need to be your problem.”

“I want to help, Ro, please. Please let me help. Please let me help fix this.” He was pleading with her and while a part of Rosie understood his desire to make this better for her, the swirling hurricane of emotions inside of her was reaching a fever pitch and, unable to make sense of it all, she found herself directing her howling gales towards the one thing she should have been holding on to.

“This isn’t something you can fix, Chris! You can’t fix this, you can’t make this right and you can’t bring her back!”

She stood with her fists balled tightly, the pain on her face as she sobbed and the realisation that she was right cutting through Chris like a knife. He had never been one to lose his nerve in a crisis, always the dependable one, always the stoic one. He was the guy people could rely on when things were shitty and it was something he prided himself on, but seeing her in front of him, shattered and in agony, knowing that he would have to sit this one out until she’d had a chance to process everything, left him feeling weak and powerless.

He watched her in stunned silence, unable to articulate feelings that he couldn’t make sense of. She was standing no more than three meters away from him but the distance between them felt like it stretched light-years. He couldn’t let her go to England with that hanging between the two of them, that ocean that would separate them felt like she would slip into another universe entirely and leave him with too much uncertainty about how things would be once she got back to New York. She didn’t give him a choice, though, her voice sounding abstract and unlike her own as she spoke into the void between them.

“I’m sorry, I just… I think I need to be alone right now. I need to wrap my head around this and it,” she paused for a moment, a shaky sigh filling the space. “It’s not fair on you for me to throw my emotions at you like this.”

“Rosie,” he spoke her name like a prayer, an oblique supplication that she heard but couldn’t accept.

“Please, Christopher. I know that you just want to help and, Christ, I appreciate you so much but I can’t accept your money, that’s just not my way, and I need to process this in my own way. I promise you though, I’ll let you know when I’m leaving for the UK and I swear that I’ll keep in touch.”

He hated it, all of it, but he loved her and he knew that she needed this, no matter how much it killed him to have to let her do things her own way. So that’s how he found himself nodding and respecting her request before folding her into his arms and pressing a kiss to her temple that he hoped would convey all of the affection and love that he held for her. For the first time in a long time, he allowed himself to cry as he drove back to his apartment and prayed to whoever was listening that she would be okay and that they would be okay, because if he lost that magic, if he lost her, he would have nothing.

It was two days later when Rosie reached out to say that she was at the airport waiting for her flight back to England, those forty-eight hours without talking to her the longest he’d ever endured. She assured him that while she was still not in a great place herself, that they were okay and that she appreciated everything he had offered to do for her. The messages were shorter than Chris was used to but it did help to make that feeling of distance between them feel a little less insurmountable than before.

*

June would usually have him heading to his coastal home in Connecticut or making the trip back to Massachusetts to be with his family, but he instead found himself lingering in New York, although with Rosie in England indefinitely he wasn’t entirely sure why he hadn’t committed to definite summer plans. If he really thought about it, though, really gave it more than a second’s thought and was completely honest with himself, he knew that he was waiting for her. He didn’t want to go home to Boxford and for her to come back to a city without him there. He wanted to be the one to welcome her back, pick her up from the airport and wrap her up in a hug that would have her never doubting how he truly felt about her. But really, when he spent time dissecting that desire to be there for her when she got back to New York, it actually stemmed from a desire to be with her, period. That was what had him picking up the phone and scrolling through his contacts, not even giving it a second thought when he hit that ‘call’ button but the guilt instantaneous when a sleepy voice answered.

“Hello?”

“Shit, I’m sorry. I completely forgot about the time difference,” Chris exhaled and rubbed the back of his neck.

“You never call without texting first. What’s on your mind?”

Chris sighed into the receiver, using the pause to gather his thoughts into some kind of semblance of coherence rather than dumping them all out in one go.

“I don’t even fucking know anymore, Mika.”

Mika’s tone shifted as the last remnants of sleep fell away, taking on the familiar quality that seemed to be reserved only for Chris. “Did something happen between you and Rosie?”

“Not really?” Chris offered, unsure of the answer to Mika’s question himself. “It’s just… It feels wrong, all of this.”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down. What feels wrong? I thought you loved her.”

“That’s just it, Mika,” Chris exhaled. “I do, fuck, I love her so much and the fact that she’s there and I’m here-”

Chris’s deep sigh through the receiver had Mika sitting up in bed, his next words spoken with such a surety as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“So go to her.”

“What?”

Mika laughed so softly that it was barely audible, shaking his head despite Chris not being able to see him.

“Y’know, for someone so smart you really are dumb sometimes.”

“Okay, first of all, ouch,” Chris grumbled. “Second of all, rude. Thirdly, what’re you getting at exactly?”

“What I’m getting at,” groused Mika, too tired from being woken up in the wee hours of the morning to have any great level of patience. “Is that you should book a flight and get your ass to the UK.”

“Just like that? Just go?”

“Yes, Jesus, Chris. I don’t know what else you want me to say, man, it’s three in the morning here and Irma will kick my ass if I wake her up.”

“Right, yeah,” Chris mumbled, the guilt at waking up his friend rearing its head again. “Sorry, I know I shoulda thought about the time difference.”

“The only reason you have to be sorry is if you don’t pack a bag as soon as we’re done talking and go get on the next fucking plane to England.”

Chris paused, long enough to gather his thoughts but not long enough for Mika to be concerned.

“I guess I’ll let you know when I land then.”

“Give her a hug from me, Chris,” Mika said with complete sincerity.

“‘Course I will, and Mika?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks, man.”

Mika smiled into the darkness of his bedroom before answering softly, “anytime.”

 *

Chris had never been to England before and he wasn’t afraid to admit that his geography knowledge of the country was somewhat lacking, so to say that this trip was going to be a baptism of fire would have been entirely accurate. He was a confident enough driver, if he were to say so himself, but he’d have been a big fat liar (to put it in Rosie’s words) if he didn’t admit that the prospect of driving the 160 miles from London Heathrow to Exeter, on the wrong side of the road he might add, filled him with a little bit of dread. But if there was a woman worth braving the complete absurdity of a roundabout for, it was Rosie.

He couldn’t help but feel like he was going behind her back a little bit, using the excuse of wanting to send flowers to her as a means to get her parents’ address when he’d spoken to her on the phone the previous morning. He hoped that she would be able to forgive his little deception and see the purity of his intentions behind it, although he did pick up some flowers on the way to her parents’ house from the small hotel he was staying at, wanting to fulfil that part of the bargain at least. His heart thundered in his chest as he turned into a quiet residential street that the GPS was signalling as being his destination. He pulled up outside the house, checking, double checking and triple checking that he had the right address before he shut off the car engine and got out, grabbing the large bouquet of flowers off the back seat. He can’t ever remember a time that his palms were this clammy or where his legs felt like they were about to give way from under him quite like they did at that moment as he walked up the short driveway to the front door.

He rubbed his free hand on the front of his jeans, taking a settling breath before he knocked on the door, unsure of what to expect when it opened. His eyebrows raised in surprise when an older looking gentleman answered, who looked equally surprised to see a slightly dishevelled looking, six foot three stranger on his doorstep.

“Good afternoon, sir,” Chris spoke, thankful that he was at least able to find his strong voice despite the distraction of his heart hammering in his chest.

“Alright there, mate?” the man greeted, with an accent that Chris noted to be far stronger than Rosie’s. “You lost or summat?”

“I hope not,” Chris laughed more out of nerves than anything else. “I’m actually here to see Roseanna.”

He hadn’t meant to sound so unsure of himself, his statement coming out as more of a question and nothing at all like his normal confident self. The older man didn’t seem to pay too much notice to it though, instead breaking into a smile that Chris recognised as being near enough identical to Rosie’s and gestured for him to come inside the house. 

“She’s just got back from walkin’ the dog, I’ll get ‘er for you.”

Chris watched as the man disappeared the short way down the hallway and called Rosie’s name into the kitchen, unable to stop the grin from forming on his face as he heard her voice reply to the man he had assumed to be her father.

“Someone’s ‘ere to see you, love, what? No, I don’t know who he is… maybe one of your university mates,” he turned back to give Chris a friendly nod before adding, “she’ll be right with you.”

Sure enough, no sooner were the words out of his mouth did Rosie appear in the doorway at the end of the hall, all red cheeks and light freckles from the sunshine. She stopped dead in her tracks, her face switching from total surprise at the sight in front of her to overwhelming joy before finally settling on complete disbelief at the realisation that Chris was standing right in front of her in the home she grew up in. Her legs instinctively carried her into his waiting arms, tears starting to fall before she could even register what was happening. Chris was certain that he would never forget the way she held onto him in that moment, with her face buried into his chest and her arms tight around his back.

“What are you doing here?” She finally managed, bringing her teary eyes up to meet Chris’s. “How? When?”

His only response was to kiss her forehead sweetly, holding her against his body like she was about to float away.

“I wanted to be here for you. I know you have your family but, God, it just didn’t feel right to be back in New York.” He stepped back from her a fraction so that he could offer the blooms he was still holding to her. “And I believe I promised you some flowers.”

“I thought you were sorting them with a local florist not travelling across the Atlantic to hand deliver them,” she laughed through her tears, a hand coming up to whack his chest lightly. “You are completely ridiculous, Christopher James Kreider.”

“Anything to see you smile, Ro.”

He kissed her hair before taking her outstretched hand and followed her as she led him into the kitchen to meet her family for the first time.

 *

The next few days had Chris feeling a little bit like a spare part. Rosie and her family were busy with the last minute preparations for the funeral and Chris wished that he could do more to help out but, just like always, Rosie managed to allay his worries and settle his heart by assuring him that his presence alone was enough. They’d spent their free time taking in the sights of South Devon, Rosie relishing the opportunity to show him around the place she grew up and all of her favourite spots. He particularly enjoyed the day they spent down in a place called Torquay, the beauty of the ocean and the way the sun kissed her hair had him feeling bold enough to reach for her hand as they walked along the sea-front while enjoying an ice cream each.

On the day of the funeral, Chris made himself completely indispensable to Rosie and her family, nothing being too much trouble. He held Rosie tightly throughout the ceremony, never once letting her go and whispered words of comfort to her as she said her final goodbyes to the grandmother she loved so much before they exited the church. He stayed by her side throughout the wake at her request. The emotional rawness of the day had her feeling more vulnerable than she would have liked but there was something about the way Chris’s hand rested above her knee as they sat around the table that had her feeling more grounded and centred than she knew she would’ve been had he not been there. It was easy for her to go back to Chris’s hotel with him, the emotions of the day still weighed heavy on her and she couldn’t bear the thought of sleeping alone.

The gravity of those feelings wasn’t lost on Rosie and she knew that sooner or later she’d have to really take a step back and take a good look at her relationship with Chris and what it all meant. It was easier to be dishonest with herself and keep up the pretence that they were just friends because if she let herself think about them being anything else for too long she would feel her chest tighten and hear her heart start to whoosh in her ears. Was it childish? Absolutely, but she’d be damned if she let herself get hurt by a man again. Her self-preservation mechanism had been working like a charm so far and if it wasn’t broken then why fix it? It wasn’t completely infallible though and after two bottles of Chianti and the way the lamplight accentuated the softness in his eyes, Rosie found herself slipping. 

“What’s on your mind?” He whispered, fingers finding her chin to bring her thousand yard stare away from the wall and back to his searching gaze.

“Everything,” she sighed softly. “It’s loud in my head tonight.”

“Is there one thing in particular that you can pick out?”

He took the wine glass that she was cradling and set it down on the table, taking her hands in his and rubbing his thumbs gently across her knuckles.

“Not really, today has just been a lot.”

Chris nodded in understanding, not wanting to pry further and cognizant of the emotional strenuity of the day. Instead he pulled her closer, nestling her into his side and pressing a gentle kiss to her hair.

“I still can’t believe you came all this way for me,” she murmured.

“Why darling,” Chris started, Rosie immediately recognising the quote as being Hemingway. “I don’t live at all when I’m not with you.”

She tilted her head up towards him, her lips impossibly close to his as her fingers danced along the stubble at his jaw and swallowed down the nerves that had lodged in her throat. She closed her eyes, so close to giving in to her heart and letting it win, for better or worse. Chris had been dreaming of this moment though, longing for it with every close call and missed opportunity. This is how it should’ve been at Christmas and all of the team events he’d the delight of having her on his arm, but instead he let himself chicken out, the fear of spooking her and losing her too much to allow himself to take the risk. But now, he had Rosie right there. She was impossibly close and all around him and he knew that if he didn’t take that leap and place his lips on hers, he might never get that chance again and that is what had him brushing his lips lightly across hers, his fingers finding a home amongst the loose copper curls that were glowing like hot coals in the low light of the room.

Instinct took over and had Rosie arching her body into him, her hands reaching up into his hair to muss the short curls. Even with her body pressed against his, Chris needed her closer, his big arms looping around her and pulling her into his lap. He kissed her desperately, a kiss to make up for all the kisses they should have already shared and all the words that should have been spoken. It should have terrified him, how easy it was to be with her like this and how easy the push and pull of it was, neither taking more than they were giving in the moment. This was what Boris Pasternak meant when he said ‘you and I, it’s as though we have been taught to kiss in heaven and sent to Earth together to see if we know what we were taught., Chris was sure of it because nothing could compare to how Rosie’s lips felt against his and the feeling of her hands on his skin. Her kiss was heaven and her eyes felt like home and Chris knew in that moment that he needed all of her.

As he carried her to bed, Rosie thought about how right being in his arms felt. It was a strong sense of belonging that she couldn’t ever remember having with anyone else - ‘whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same’, she thought. He spoke her name against her ear like a prayer, all the love and want for her conveyed in one simple word while he removed her dress with tender hands. Her body was laid on display for him like a canvas, his mouth was the paintbrush and Chris knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life painting a masterpiece onto her skin with his lips.

They moved together between the sheets as sure as the gentle waves that lap against the shore, her hands never feeling more at home than they did running up his back and over his shoulders before settling against the broad plains of his chest. Her every breath and every moan sounded like an aria to his ears and his name tumbling from her lips with every thrust of his hips was met with a moan of hers. He thought she could never look as good as she did underneath him, blooming like a rose, until he found himself on his back with her above him, her hair falling around them both like a curtain and her mouth panting against his as she rolled her hips. His hands made a home at the dip of her waist, guiding her in her movements but never taking the reins from her, giving her the control they both knew she needed in the moment.

It was intuitive, really, the way she was rocking her hips into his and the steady build of pressure in her stomach had her chanting Chris’s name like an incantation. He saw on her face the exact moment that the coil snapped, moaning as she fluttered and tightened around him and brought his hips up to meet hers as she rode the wave of her orgasm.

“I’m with you,” he murmured against her neck.

“Please, Chris. I need you.”

“I’ve got you, Ro. I’ve got you.”

She turned her face to meet his lips in a deep kiss, Chris moaning into her mouth as he spilled inside of her with stuttering hips. Rosie let out a contented sigh as she kissed him through his release, her chest pressed against his and her fingers playing with whatever ends of his hair she could reach. They stayed that way long after he’d gone soft inside of her, content to just bask in the afterglow of the moment as Chris’s fingers traced up and down her back. Rosie knew that she needed to have a frank discussion with Chris about her feelings but now didn’t seem like the right time for that. The sudden realisation that things would never be the same and that there was no going back to the way things were after this embedded itself like a seed, but Rosie let herself surrender to the feeling of safety and security Chris’s arms offered her before it could take root. She nestled herself against his side, her head resting on his chest with her eyes closed, and let his heartbeat be the gentle lullaby to lead her into the beautiful twilight.

 *

Chris awoke to the feeling of Rosie snug and secure within his arms, a peaceful look resting on her features that gave her an angelic quality. He let his mind wander to the night before and allowed the love he felt for her run wild through his veins and fill every corner of his mind, body and soul. For so long it had just been him and hockey, never subscribing to the idea that a person needed a relationship to be complete. But as he looked down and saw his entire world resting within his arms, he realised that he had been right all along. It wasn’t a relationship that made a person complete. It was love. That all-consuming wildfire that burns everything else away until there is nothing left but a new-beginning. He remembered the quote from Corelli that Rosie loved so much and felt everything fall into place. He felt like he’d waited a million years for this feeling and now that he felt it consume him like wildfire, he knew that he would have waited a million more, just as long as he had the privilege of being hers. It was surrendering all that he had ever been for everything that she was, for every kiss and every touch. Her love was his turning page and loving her was the greatest and best thing that he would ever do in his life, he was sure of it.

He pressed a tender kiss to her forehead, eyes crinkling with his smile as she stirred.

“Mornin’, sweetheart,” he whispered against her hair. “You sleep okay?”

“Yeah,” she croaked, voice still thick with sleep. “What time is it?”

Chris looked over her shoulder at the clock on the nightstand. “Just gone eight-thirty.”

“Oh, okay.”

She furrowed her brows again, suddenly feeling Chris everywhere as pieces of the night before flooded her consciousness as she fully emerged from sleep and into the waking world. She was naked, she registered, and so was he and she was blindsided by an abrupt awareness that a definite line had been crossed that they could never go back from. It was that recognition of their friendship never being the same again that had her rolling away from Chris without warning. She was out of bed before he could even register what was happening, gathering up her clothes and dressing quickly without as much as a word.

“Rosie?” Chris was sitting up now, a slight waver to his voice as he spoke her name. “What are you doing?”

“I have to go,” she mumbled, an almost robotic edge to her tone that had Chris jumping out of bed and throwing on a pair of sweatpants, already catching up to her racing thoughts without her needing to say another word. He rushed to the door that she was making a beeline for, stepping in front of it and reaching desperately for her hands.

“Don’t do this, Ro… Please, don’t run from this.”

“Chris,” she warned, the emotion sitting dangerously high in her throat and her eyes glossing over with tears.

“What’re you so afraid of? I know you feel it too, Rosie. I know you do.”

“Chris, please,” she tried to brush past him but Chris wouldn’t let this moment slip through his fingers, not this time.

“No, we’re not doin’ this anymore. We’re not gonna spend the rest of our lives pretending that we’re just friends because we’re not, Rosie. I don’t think we have been for a long time- look at me, Ro, please.”

Chris saw the flicker of hesitation cross her face but the desperation in his voice was too much for her to ignore. She brought her eyes up to meet his and saw a fire burning within them that she had never seen before.

“I love you, Rosie. You have to know that by now.”

She shook her head vehemently, the tears she had managed so far to keep at bay finally slipping out and onto her cheeks.

“Don’t,” she whimpered. “Don’t say shit you don’t mean.”

“Who says I don’t mean it?” He brought his hands to cup her face to keep her eyes on him. “You? Do you think I’d travel across an ocean to be here with you now if I didn’t love you?”

Rosie answered only with a sniffle, the feeling of his touch along her skin anchoring her in a moment where she felt like she was drowning in a sea of every repressed emotion and feeling from the last eighteen months.

“But what if this doesn’t work? What if we’re better as friends?”

“I know you don’t believe that,” he wiped away the tears on her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. “I know that you’ve been hurt before and I know that you’re scared. But you can’t keep holding on to the past, Ro, because if you do you’ll miss out on what’s right in front of you.”

“It’s not the loving you part that’s hard Chris,” she whispered. “It’s admitting to myself that it happened at all that is. I’ve had all these defences that have worked to keep me from getting hurt for so long but it was like you didn’t even see them at all, like they were meant for others while you had your very own door. I’ve spent so long asking myself why that is and come up with nothing. Do you know how terrifying that is?”

He kissed her forehead softly in response before pulling back to look into her eyes, making sure that she saw him, felt him, heard him. “In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.”

The corners of Rosie’s mouth quirked up into a smile despite her tears and her doubts, her favourite passage from Pride and Prejudice never sounding as good as it did coming from Chris’s mouth and extinguishing every fear she was holding within her heart. She closed her eyes and nodded, her lips connecting with his in a kiss that could’ve stopped the world from turning. She gave herself to him completely and surrendered to the overwhelming love that burned within her for him. There were no words that could convey to Chris just how much he meant to her but she hoped that ones from Rupi Kaur would do it justice:

“You might not have been my first love, but you were the love that made all the other loves irrelevant.”

Chris smiled against her mouth and kissed away every fear and worry until there was nothing left but him and her and the love they had for each other.

 *

Life continued much as it had before, a testament really to the relationship that Chris and Rosie already shared and the official label did nothing more than earn them a chorus of “it’s about time” from their friends and had Mika looking incredibly smug for the next few months. The passage of time only served to make their relationship stronger, both able to give themselves completely without the uncertainty of their feelings looming over them or holding them back. Rosie often found herself being struck by the easiness of their relationship and she never once found herself questioning Chris’s commitment to her and what they had. When he asked her how she would feel about ending the lease on her Brooklyn apartment and moving into his place in Manhattan she didn’t have to give it a second thought. Everything about it felt natural and they were both ready to take that next defining step in their relationship. Once Rosie’s belongings and houseplants were moved in, Chris couldn’t help but feel as if they had always been there, like his apartment was finally complete and that it was the home he had always imagined it would eventually be.

Of course, there were bumps in the road, both of them had been on their own for so long that they were set in their ways at first, but their disagreements never lasted long, their shared knack for communication often diffusing the situation before it had chance to grow arms and legs. The adjustment was harder for Chris in some ways, especially when things on the ice weren’t going so well and he would retreat into himself or misdirect his frustrations towards Rosie with a sharper tone than was necessary, but she stood firm, never one to suffer fools and for that Chris was eternally grateful. They complimented each other in ways they couldn’t even have imagined, Chris able to pull Rosie out of her own head when the world weighed heavy on her shoulders and Rosie never afraid to put Chris in his place when he needed it. As the months rolled into years and their love went from strength to strength, Chris knew for certain that she was it for him and there was nothing he wanted more than to start and end the day with Rosie for all of the days to come.

 *

Rosie looked at Chris with confusion as their Uber pulled up outside Westsider Books one early September evening. There was a faint glow of lights inside but it didn’t look as if the shop was open and Rosie couldn’t understand why Chris had brought her here when she was sure they closed at five.

“I didn’t realise this place opened late,” she said as Chris opened her car door and offered his hand to help her out of the car.

“I think it’s just a one-time thing,” he replied as he thanked the driver and closed the door. He placed a hand on the small of Rosie’s back and guided her towards the shop entrance, pushing the door open and gesturing for Rosie to go in ahead of him. Rosie wasn’t exactly sure what she was expecting to find inside, but hundreds of glittering fairy lights, candles and more flowers than she could count wasn’t even on the list.

“Chris?” she breathed, turning to look at him.

“If you were to list your top three favourite books of all time off the top of your head,” he started, wrapping his arms around her waist. “What would they be?”

“Christopher…”

“Come on, Ro,” he grinned, the corners of his eyes crinkling in the way she loved so much. “Just... play along… Please, for me?”

“Alright, well…” she conceded with a gentle sigh. “Off the top of my head I would probably say Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, For Whom the Bell Tolls and Pride and Prejudice.”

Chris’s smile somehow managed to double in size, the soft glow of the string lights and candles had his eyes sparkling like smoky quartz, the lush green flecks that usually lived among the dark bark of his irises hidden by the low light. He knew she would say that, of course, knowing her with an intimacy that even after all their years of friendship and the years of loving her still managed to knock him back a bit. He took her hand then, leading her along the aisle before stopping in front of a shelf with a dozen hand-tied sunflowers. He reached out and took a book from the shelf.

“Captain Corelli’s Mandolin by Louis de Bernières,” he murmured, passing the book to Rosie with an easy grin. “Go on, open it.”

He watched as she opened the cover of the book, her face softening at the sight of a delicate pendant necklace nestled between the pages. A small silver fern leaf hung at the end of the thin chain, a nod to the many houseplants she had brought into his home when she moved in that he had playfully grumbled about but in all actuality loved.

“Chris, it’s beautiful.”

He gently took the necklace from her hands and spun Rosie around, draping the chain across her chest and fastening it behind her neck with sure fingers before turning her back to face him, his eyes falling to the pendant that glimmered in the low light of the room.

“It looks gorgeous on you,” he smiled, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Right, what was the next book? For Whom the Bell Tolls, right?”

“Chris, what is all this?” Rosie asked softly, taking Chris’s outstretched hand and following him down the next aisle to another shelf. He ignored her question, simply picking up the book and handing it to her.

“I love that you love Hemingway almost as much as I do,” he whispered softly. “Almost. You have no idea how much it means to me that I get to share that enjoyment with you and I want us to keep making memories together and sharing enjoyment of the things we love.” He watched her expectantly, waiting for her to open the book to reveal the piece of paper he’d folded in there. He took the book from her hands so that she could open it.

Rosie’s eyes widened as she read what she realised to be an itinerary for a trip to Europe next summer.

“I’ve only been to a couple of places in Europe,” Chris started. “And I figured who better to show me around than the girl who’s visited near enough every country on that continent?”

Rosie was unable to contain her sniffles by this point, overwhelmed at the thought and preparation that Chris had put in, not only in the trip to Europe, but this whole evening as well. She shook her head gently as she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face into his chest.

“This is too much, Chris, you shouldn’t have.”

He pulled back from her just far enough to get her eyes on his, his face set with an expression that held all the love in the world.

“Ah, ah, there’s still one more book, which if I’m not mistaken is your all-time favourite and you, Roseanna Williams, are worth all the good things in this world.”

Her slung his arm over her shoulders and pulled her into his side as they walked back towards the front of the shop, Rosie gently wiping the tears away from her eyes. Pride and Prejudice sat pride of place in the middle of a small table, the book surrounded by petals. Chris gave her an encouraging look and stepped back as she picked it up, taking a small envelope from out of the book before setting it back down again. Her eyes found her name on the front of the envelope in Chris’s unmistakable handwriting before turning it over in her hands and opening it, pulling out what appeared to be a letter. She took a steadying breath as she began to read.

My dearest Rosie,

There will never be the words to adequately express just how much you mean to me or how grateful I am to have found you. You are everything that I didn’t even know I was searching for, that I didn’t even know I needed.

I never believed in fate, every happy accident is just that. A happy accident. Coincidence. Right place, right time. But you, you have opened my eyes to the idea of pure magic because how can a love like ours be founded on pure coincidence alone? How can a soul yearn for someone they had never met? I know now that the reason I found myself in this very book store on that day you came into my life was because your soul was calling me here.

In you I have everything I’ll ever need. No matter where my career takes me, no matter what lies ahead, as long as I have you I have everything. I love you more than anything else in this world, you have given me a higher purpose and I will spend the rest of my life making you happy if you’ll let me.

All my love, Always

Chris

We would be together and have our books and at night be warm in bed together with the windows open and the stars bright - E. Hemingway.

Rosie closed her eyes and let her tears fall onto her cheeks as she clutched the letter to her chest.

“Chris…”

“I’m gonna need you to open your eyes, babe,” Chris chuckled softly.

Rosie smiled as she allowed her eyes to drift open, her hand immediately coming up to her mouth as she stifled an unexpected sob at the sight of Chris down on one knee in front of her, a ring box open in his hand that looked as if it contained an entire galaxy of glittering stars.

“Ro, I can’t even remember what my life was like without you in it, I didn’t even know that I was in the dark. Until I saw your smile. It was only then that I realised and now I never want to live a single day without the warmth and light of your love. It’s us, babe. It’s always been us and it’s always been you, since the day we met. I didn’t even realise I was waiting for you and now that I have you, everything is as it should be. I love you, Rosie. I’ve always loved you and I would be the happiest and luckiest man on Earth with you as my wife. Marry me, babe?”

Rosie sank slowly to her knees in front of Chris, her hands reaching up and cupping his face as her tears fell. In front of her was a man who had given her everything, who had helped her to let go of the past and right now, he was offering her a future brighter and more wonderful than anything she could’ve ever imagined and never dared to dream she would have.

“Oh god, please tell me those are happy tears.”

She cut him off with a kiss, a kiss that gave Chris his answer without her even needing to say it. She kissed him with everything she had, kissed him with all of the love that coursed through her veins, kissed him until her lungs were gasping for air and she finally had to pull away, resting her forehead against his with her hands stroking along his jaw.

“Yes,” Rosie whispered. “A million times, yes.”

As Chris slid the ring onto Rosie’s finger, he took the opportunity to look into those eyes of hers that he’d grown to love so much. It was there that he saw their future, all of their hopes and dreams and the promise of all the joy in their lives that was to come and as her arms wrapped tightly around him, Chris felt their souls sigh as they folded into one another. Chris couldn’t tell what the future had in store for them both, but no matter where their path together would lead them, it was in her embrace that he found solace and it was in her heart that he found a home.

[lloydshoulddyehishair]

I think I’m lost [1/3]

Remember the angst oneshot I was working on? It turned out to long so I decided to turn it into a multichapter fic

Also posted on: ff.net, ao3

Summary:  He was thin. Oh, so thin Kai feared that if he went to hold him he might snap him in half. His once so shiny emerald eyes were barely anything like they'd been before. They were so empty and dull, holding no joy or hope behind them like how they used to. Like how they still should.

aka

Lloyd hadn't felt at peace for a long while. Ever since the Sons of Garmadon had made themselves known to be exact.

Trigger Warnings: Eating Disorders, Drug Use, Self-Harm, Referenced Abuse/Suicide/Abandonment

Lloyd hadn't felt at peace for a long while. Ever since the Sons of Garmadon had made themselves known to be exact.

Back then none of them would have expected things to escalate the way that they would later on. They all had just thought that they were just a silly little biker gang that they'd be able to stop in a matter of weeks.

They didn't expect that in the end half of the team would be stranded in another realm being hunted down by dragon hunters and the other half would still be in Ninjago being hunted down by the purely evil resurrected Lord Garmadon and the Sons of Garmadon, all while mourning the “deaths” of their friends and trying to save the almost completely destroyed city.

Ninjago never recovered completely from the destruction Garmadon had brought upon them. Of course most places were rebuilt but there were still huge holes in the streets from where the Colossi stamped it's feet into the concrete – those were things Lloyd could overlook though. What he couldn't overlook were the overfilled hospitals and orphanages. So many people had lost their lives, so many people he couldn't save.

And in a sick way it was almost funny. It was very ironic – Harumi created the exact thing she despised. She wanted to give Ninjago a proper ruler but in reality she just gave it more people who shared her pain.

But maybe that was her plan all along; making everyone feel the way she felt.

Now Lloyd was sitting at the window of his room on the newly rebuilt Destiny's Bounty – thanks to the Mayor and the city – staring at the grey clouds they passed through while listening to the thunderstorms. He had always loved thunderstorms, they seemed so full of rage but yet so calm.

'Much like yourself.'

Lloyd shook his head a little, letting the pen he had been holding in his hand fall to the ground while looking through the drawers of his desk. Finding his lighter, papes and the tiny green substance that had been making his days all the more easier.

For his whole life – which he wasn't quite sure how long it was because he didn't even remember his birthday anymore, was it in September or in October? He really didn't know – he never had healthy coping mechanisms. As a little kid, before the others had picked him off the street, he would just start to eat sweets when the sadness and pain he felt became unbearable, when he thought of his parents or Darkley's for example. Then when he lived with his uncle and his students he made it a habit to just refuse to eat. He felt unworthy of the food they offered. He had made them go through so many hardships and made their lives living hell. He really hadn't understood why they would take him in. But besides the others needed it more they were Ninja after all and needed to get as much energy as possible.

It was back then when the team slowly picked up on his unhealthy habits.

As he grew up because of the tomorrow's tea incident, whenever he would feel down or depressed he'd train as hard and long as he could, telling himself that it would make him stronger and his family proud. He barely noticed that he was actually just draining and destroying his body.

All the time his friends – his family said nothing. Always thinking his behaviour was just a phase and he'd grow out of it. Maybe they should have.

Now after everything that had happened, him losing his uncle, his team splitting up over the whole realm with him taking on all criminals in Ninjago alone, the Sons of Garmadon popping up, Harumi turning out to be the Quiet One and basically pulverizing his heart, his father being resurrected as a purely evil shell of Lord Garmadon, being humiliated on television across the whole country, his friends dying (or at least so he, Nya and the rest of the city thought), being literally hunted by the Sons of Garmadon and his father plus his technically-psychopath-ex-girlfriend and the list could go on and on – he lost it.

He could barely go a day without panic attacks just a few months ago, having mental breakdowns on the weekly making the energy in the city go out in a nasty blackout every time. His friends had noticed of course, it would have been hard not to. And they had tried to talk and reach out to him he the first three times it had happened. Lloyd didn't want to talk though, shutting them out completely and his family just – gave it up. Thinking he wanted to be alone and sort things out on his own. The young Garmadon thought so too. He thought he just wanted to be alone as well. But as he sat all by himself in the guest room he had been sleeping in – because he had refused to stay with his brothers – he had realized that loneliness was actually what pulled him down emotionally and what made him feel even worse on top of everything.

That didn't stop him from keeping on shutting his friends out anyways – old habits died hard.

And Ronin – who had obviously noticed the blackouts too – being Ronin and meaning well but... being Ronin, had offered him something to calm his nerves with, one day he had been over at the Destiny's Bounty, just in case he wanted to. Of course Lloyd didn't decline, he was desperate for anything that could make his pain go away, that could make him stop feeling, so he accepted the offer and shortly after found himself high with Ronin on his bed while spilling his heart out to him.

The thief loved the kid, really did, he had already protected him with his life and he'd do it again any other day. The other members of the Ninja team always knew that and respected him for it.

Yet he knew getting the kid weed to help him forget his sorrows wouldn't be left without consequences for him by them. Not that he cared though.

But if he had known what kind of behaviour Lloyd would spiral into shortly after he surely would have never made that offer in the first place.

And so here the blond was, standing in front of his (now) opened window smoking his second joint that day – just anything to numb his feelings with.

It was kinda funny to him how much of a hypocrite he was. He remembered how he had screamed at Kai to stop smoking cigarettes and how he shouldn't ruin himself like that and would you look at him now. Doing exactly the same, maybe even worse. Kai at least hadn't been high as a kite on the daily and Kai at least hadn't isolated himself like Lloyd did now.

“So much for the great Green Ninja.”, Lloyd hissed mockingly into the nothingness throwing the end of the joint out of the window.

Maybe he should go into the living room and talk to the others, spend some time with them. The last time he saw them was about 2 weeks ago? He had been avoiding them, mainly because he felt like the odd one out whenever they were together.

He couldn't bring himself to enjoy playing video games with Cole or laugh at Jay's silly jokes, he also wasn't quite interested in having talks about Ninjago's history and culture with Zane and he usually loved those conversations. Hell, he didn't even like to cuddle with Kai and Nya while mocking the other in a childish but affectionate manner anymore.

He didn't feel like himself anymore but instead just like an empty shell.

And Lloyd couldn't help but wonder

Was this how his father felt all the time?

-------

The blond made his way to the living room trying to ignore the way his limbs shook like he was about to collapse.

He had been feeling weak lately, probably due to malnutrition. Lloyd had been barely eating the past few days because- well it was a little difficult.

The easy answer would be that he just simply didn't have the strength or motivation to get out of his bed. Plus he had gotten used to the stinging pain in his stomach hunger caused and barely noticed it now. If anything he felt weird when it wasn't there.

The longer answer was way different than the easy one.

When his uncle had disappeared and his friends searched for him all over Ninjago he had been left feeling out of control because there was nothing he could do to change all of it. There was nothing he could have been able to do to bring his Sensei and his friends back.

He hadn't been in control of even his body at this point anymore. He had grown taller all of a sudden, his voice got deeper and he noticed how he had been putting on weight. Everything had been changing and Lloyd didn't like changes.

Back then the only thing Lloyd had power over was – even though it seemed cliché – food.

He could choose whether or not he'd eat, he could choose how to prepare the food and how to put it all together. It was satisfying – cooking food, getting it ready and then being in full control of his own body and mind and refusing to eat despite his stomach basically screaming at him.

It was control that made him feel alive and that reminded him of the fact that Morro was no longer possessing and using him as a pawn against his family and Ninjago. His need of being in control was probably also what had made him hit rock bottom during his father's reign over Ninjago – well that and being disowned and thrown through multiple concrete prison walls probably did the trick.

He had felt so horrible after Harumi's betrayal, his fathers resurrection, his friends' deaths and all of the other horrible incidents – but back then Lloyd hadn't even been able to control his food intake properly anymore because now Nya was there with him and she would make sure he'd eat.

She hadn't seemed suspicious on his eating habits, after all he was a normal weight even if he was on the slightly thinner part of the spectrum. The only reason she had made him eat was to make sure he'd stay strong in case he'd have to face trouble – like the Sons of Garmadon, Harumi or even worse his father – any time soon. If he'd just faint on the battle field that wouldn't have been too great. It had been a hard time for him and her and he was just glad all of that was over now, even if it hadn't been easy.

Now, something that wasn't easy either was keeping on walking towards the living room as he heard sounds coming from it. Talking. Laughter. And Cole's voice screaming at Jay for whatever the reason was. He didn't want to ruin their good mood. Maybe he should just go back to his room and come back later? No. If he didn't do it now he would put it off for another two weeks. He leaned against the wall with his arm, feeling like he was going to lose balance caused by the sudden wave of dizziness that hit him.

“Lloyd?”, he heard someone behind him call out. Turning his head slowly towards the direction the voice came from he saw an old man down the hall where he had just come from. He was wearing a rice hat and had a long white beard. His eyes looked at him with nothing but concern but Lloyd could have sworn there was something in them that looked haunted.

“Are you alright?”, he stepped towards the younger, the sound of his staff making contact with the wood floor sent chills down the Ninja's spine.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. The simple gesture made him feel warm inside like back then when he was just a kid and his father would do simple things like that while telling him he was proud of him.

But it was gone. All gone now.

He shook the thoughts off. He didn't want to start crying like a baby in front of him, especially since his father was a sensitive subject to Wu as well.

His gaze fell from his shoulder to the man's face, the concern in his features just increasing.

“Yeah, I guess so.”, he muttered. “Wanted to go see the others.”

“You've been locking yourself up in your room for a pretty long time.”

Lloyd snorted. “Haven't noticed.”, he quickly moved away from his uncle's touch and went inside the living room, everything suddenly going quiet.

He felt uncomfortable under the stares directed at him, felt like they were burning through his skin. But he didn't want to feel that way because of them. They were his friends, his family and yet here he was feeling so unsafe and helpless in front of them, as if they could see right through him.

“Uhm.”, he started slowly lifting his hand a little and waving awkwardly. “Hey?”

Maybe not his best introduction. He knew he sounded and looked emotionless. And maybe it was because he was, in fact, emotionless.

No. Who was he trying to fool? If anything Lloyd was completely emotional. Just waiting for the bathtub of kept in and hidden feelings and memories to overflow – to spill it all out.

Right now was not the moment though.

“Am I interrupting something?”, he asked as the looks on their faces shifted from surprise into something else, a look the Green Ninja had seen way to often in the past few years probably so often that he could sense it from miles away by now. Pity.

He wanted to throw up.

“Oh, Lloyd.”, everything stopped for a second.

There was something about Kai's voice, how he spoke his name, that irritated him. He sounded like back then when he saved him from the volcano when he was just a little bratty child or just like when he comforted him about his fathers death after the tournament or like when he had just been saved from Morro's possession or when- Oh.

Okay now he actually wanted to throw up.

“What has happened to you?”, his voice was careful, he didn't want to alarm Lloyd in any way. He wanted to make sure his little brother knew that he was safe with them and that he was loved and protected and there really wasn't a need to look at him like a scared and hurt puppy because that was exactly what he was doing right now and it made him go crazy.

They should have interfered sooner, should have called Lloyd out of his room instead of just leaving him, letting him succumb in his own darkness probably, like they had done after a while.

His little brother, his baby brother, whom he had sworn to protect more than anything in this world, needed him now more than ever because Lloyd was currently fighting a war that he wasn't going to win – at least not all alone. Kai had to protect his perfect baby brother from himself before he could do any more damage to his mind and body.

He was pale, so pale he might as well have been dead and he was thin. Oh, so thin Kai feared that if he went to hold him he might snap him in half. His once so shiny emerald eyes were barely anything like they'd been before. They were so empty and dull, holding no joy or hope behind them like how they used to. Like how they still should.

“What do you mean?”, the blond spoke out again, his voice small but yet so angry.

And it really took a bit for it to reach them but then Kai noticed the smell – the smell he was so familiar with from going to parties or walking through Ninjago City Park.

Kai's eyes widened and by the looks on his friends' faces they noticed to.

“What the hell, Lloyd?”, he called out, finally jumping up from his sitting position on the sofa, making his way to the blonde and grabbing his – way too thin and bony – wrists. The now slightly taller boy was too slow and weak to react in time though. Kai felt like screaming, eyeing the youngster's bloodshot eyes. “Are you smoking weed?”, his voice came out way louder than he intended to, but he barely had any time to really realize that because the next second his blood was boiling, because Lloyd fucking snorted and started chuckling.

“Is this a freaking joke to you?”, Lloyd really couldn't help but laugh and as he felt Kai's grab on his wrists loosening slightly, he took his chance to break free. He didn't bother to step back though.

“You are funny.”, the Green Ninja muttered and the grin on his face turned bitter. “I've been starving myself, cutting myself, have had panic attacks on the daily and you're-”, Lloyd felt like a maniac for laughing but oh well, maybe that was a trait he got from his father. “You're focusing on me smoking weed?”, he watched Kai's expression fall, as everyone else's in the room. Normally it would make him feel bad and sorry but right now he didn't feel anything but bitterness. “Priorities. Right?”

“Lloyd, we didn't kno-”

“Oh, of course you didn't.”, he interrupted Cole rudely and basically stabbing him with his glance, eyes turning red. “Because you didn't look. You looked away, away from everything. All of you. And maybe you shouldn't have. Even Wu knew that something was going on before you guys and he is basically a shitty excuse of an uncle.”, he breathed out trying to calm himself. “By the way, Wu, you can come out from your hiding spot, it's quite pitiful watching you hide behind that table.”

The old man rose from his kneeling position on the ground, no one really caring how he got there in the first place. His eyes though, didn't rise with him. Looking at his nephew in this state would just break his heart. Would remind him so much of his broth- Garmadon.

“And you know why you did that? Because I do.”, no one dared to reply, too scared to make Lloyd even more angry and hurt. Seeing their little brother like this broke their hearts and the worst thing about all of this was that he was right. They had looked away and had left him alone when he needed them the most. They had thought that he would be okay on his own, that he'd be able to pick the pieces of his broken mind up all by himself like he had always done. Turns out this time it had just been too much for him alone.

“You all looked away because you don't care. You don't care about me, you care about the Green Ninja. Not Lloyd Garmadon. Because Lloyd Garmadon is still just a silly, bratty child to you who just can't do anything right.”

He hated it. Hated spilling his heart out to his teammates like that, he never wanted to tell them all of this, wanted to keep it a secret he would take to his grave.

Seems like the bathtub overflowed after all.

With tears starting to stream down his cheeks and blurring his vision he found it difficult to look at them. He didn't want them to see him like this.

“And it sucks.”, he choked out, voice cracking. 'God dammit you are such a crybaby.'

“Every single day of my life sucks because I know there is no way to change it. To change the things I've done. People died because of me and there is no way to bring them back! There is no way I can 'redeem' myself, no matter how much good I do or how much evil I defeat! It doesn't bring them back! It doesn't put destroyed families together again and it doesn't give people the life back, that they deserved, that I have taken!”, Lloyd was just screaming at this point, falling to his knees and holding his fists to his chest, crying hysterically. “Ho-how many more children are out there, who-whose parents I-I have taken. Ho-how many pa-parents lost their ch-children be-because of me?! How ma-many more Harumi's a-are out th-there?!”

Her name tasted toxic on his tongue. And he despised himself for bringing her up in the first place because this really didn't have anything to do with her (except it did). She just made him realize of the consequences his actions caused, made him actually realize the weight of it. Technically he had probably killed as many people as his father at this point.

Day by day the blond noticed more and more how similar him and his father actually were. Though he didn't like it. He didn't want to be like him.

“And I can't do it. I can't live with that.”, he felt himself being wrapped in a hug and he didn't even have to look up to know that it was Cole who had rushed to his side, cradling him in his arms while he was still crying hysterically, pretty much unable to breathe at this point.

“Ssh.. Lloyd, listen to me. Focus on my voice. Can you do that?”, his deep voice was soothing, calming in some way, but it wasn't enough. “Breathe with me, okay? Come on, you can do it. 1... 2... 3... Hold. 1... 2... 3... And out. 1... 2... 3... In. 1... 2... 3... Hold. 1... 2... 3... And out. 1... 2... 3... You're doing great buddy.”, the teams leader felt himself relax more and more as the elder kept on reassuring him and holding him tight. Exhaustion soon took over and then compunction.

“I'm sorry.”, he muttered against his chest, grabbing tight onto his black shirt. “I'm so sorry.”, his eyes were shut, still not wanting to look at them and see their faces and the expressions probably full of hatred and hurt after his little pitiful speech.

“There is nothing to be sorry for.”, Lloyd wanted to punch Cole.

Nothing to be sorry for? Lloyd fucked up his own life and now here he was taking it out on his only friends and family while it wasn't their fault. None of his actions were their fault, because he had made them.

Of course there was something to be sorry for.

Cole watched his fellow teammates, still standing helplessly in the room, not knowing what to do and by the look on Jay's face Cole could tell that he really wanted to say something but wasn't too sure if it was either the time or the place to do so.

“Of course there is.”, Lloyd's voice choked out again and it sounded so broken and weak, Cole thought he was holding the little nine year old in his arms after his dad had left, once again. “It isn't your fault. None of this is and I am sorry for taking it out on you. I'm- I just don't know anymore. I-I'm so unsure of everything.”

“Lloyd, it's okay.”, Nya spoke out for the first time. “You were right, we should have done something. We are your siblings for heaven's sake and we left you alone with your pain. That's unacceptable.”, he felt a hand being placed on his knee and dared to open his eyes, staring right into Nya's bloodshot ones. She looked like she'd been crying- Oh. She probably had. “But we are here for you now. We are right by your side and we listen to everything you want to say. We are there for you and we love you for you, not for being the Green Ninja.”, Lloyd nodded slightly, blonde strands of hair falling in front of his eyes.

“Okay.”, he spoke quietly.

“Uh.”, everyone's eyes fell on the Blue Ninja who was playing with his sleeves. “You, uhm... Said some stuff earlier about you... cutting?”, Cole felt Lloyd tense up in his arms and could have sworn he heard the fire ninja curse as well. “Was that... true? I'm just worried you know... because if you are you totally don't have to feel bad about it! I swear! But I think it would be better if you let Zane or Nya check up on you? Just to make sure everything's alright! Well not alright obviously but- You know?”, he began to ramble, not wanting to offend Lloyd. He out of all people knew what it was like to feel so lost that you would hurt yourself just to get judged later on. He didn't want his little brother to feel like that.

“Yeah.”, the young Garmadon spoke, silently pushing himself away from Cole, yet still staying on the floor and not looking up.

“Yeah, to what exactly? Yeah, you're... cutting or yeah, you'll let Zane check you up?”, Jay asked carefully.

The blond looked up at his red-haired friend, his eyes had turned green again by now. “Yeah.”

“Oh my God, Lloyd.”, and he felt himself getting wrapped up in a hug once again just that this time he immediately took a step back.

It wasn't fair to Kai. Not at all. Lloyd was being stupid and selfish and he was being a brat. It wasn't Kai's fault that all these awful things have happened to him over the years, if anything it's Kai's fault that nothing more happened. If the Fire Ninja hadn't been there for him all this time he'd be long dead or would be bearing double the amount of traumatic experiences. He had always been there for him and always stood behind him even in the worst of hardest of times.

So it really wasn't fair of him to flinch back and push Kai away like that.

But he couldn't help it. Because he felt so, so guilty.

“I-I'm sorry- I can't- You can't do that-”

Something in Kai's hazel eyes shifted. Lloyd mentally slapped himself because he did it again, he hurt someone who was so dear to him once again just because he was being selfish.

“Lloyd, no, what do you mea-”

“You died and- and I-”, and what? How was he supposed to tell him that he was a little ungrateful brat and that Kai deserved better? How was he supposed to tell him that he should just leave him alone at this point because whoever was close to him eventually got hurt. Either by the hands of some villain or by Lloyd himself.

“You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.”

“But I have to or else I won't ever be able to looking at you and without feeling guilt!”, Kai just nodded understanding.

“When you died I- I was so sad and devastated and lost and-”, Lloyd sucked in a breath as he looked at Nya for a mere second. “We both were. But- but Nya was so much better at dealing with it than I was. Nya stood strong but- but I gave into grief and I was just so depressed and hopeless.”, Lloyd hated thinking back on it. Hated thinking back on the emotions he had to live through and he was so glad he had his family back, all of them.

But it was true. Nya was much better at dealing with their family's deaths than him because Nya was stronger, because Nya was great, because Nya was so much better than him. She should have led the resistance, maybe she should have even been the team's leader or the Green Ninja. Any of them would have been a way better fit for the role than him but Destiny hated him. Though in all honesty he was also somehow happy that he was the one who turned out to be the Green Ninja in the end because that spared them from lots and lots of pain. Of course that meant that he was the one who had to deal with it but if it was for keeping this burden from his friends he'd do it any day.

Lloyd placed himself on the sofa carefully next to Jay. “And when- when I thought of you-”, his eyes fell on Kai for a second before he buried his face in his hands. “I got so angry like I've never been before and I was thinking about ho-how you could just leave me like- like that and it-”, he felt himself beginning to shake.

This wasn't easy for him, because Lloyd was not just the Master of Energy or “Master Lloyd” but also the Master of 'if-I-don't-admit-to-my-issues-and-feelings-they-aren't-real-and-what's-not-real-can't-hurt-me-or-my-friends' and the fact that he was to admit to hating his own brother at some point was definitely something that could and probably would hurt him and Kai.

“I hated you.”, his words were rushed and for a second Kai thought that Lloyd wasn't being serious but then the emerald eyes looked up at him and it was clear he meant exactly what he had said.

“I hated you so much. I hated you for leaving Nya. I hated you for leaving Ninjago. I hated you for leaving me, when you had promised to always be there and to protect me.”, Lloyd tried his best to ignore the tears streaming down his face and the cracks his voice did as he went on. “I've grown so used to having you- to have a big brother. I didn't know how to live without one- and I still don't.”, he murmured the last part, eyes meeting the floor for what felt like the 600th time today.

Kai said nothing. Stayed completely still and silent, just listening to what his little brother had to say because he knew he just needed to get it all out now, but to Lloyd Kai's silence was one of the most terrifying things ever. Probably up there with the thought of him turning out like his father and being possessed again.

He had to continue anyways.

“And it isn't fair.”, he whispered sounding heartbroken. “And I know that. I'm selfish, I'm dumb, I'm ungrateful and you deserve better. I- I don't understand why you keep on pu-putting up with me.”, the crying had stopped right now and Lloyd was sure that it wasn't because he felt better but rather that there were just no more tears left for him to cry.

But with every word the blond broke out he felt himself getting calmer, the storm in his head slowly calming down. “It wasn't fair of me to hate you for something I technically caused. It wasn't fair of me to hate you for leaving anyways. You did so much for me over all this time. You all, but especially you, practically raised me. You risked your life so many times and have always supported me. And it's not even like you chose to leave. It wasn't your fault but all mine. But I was so selfish and only thinking of myself because-”, because I couldn't bear to loose anyone else and I couldn't bear having any more names on the list of people that died because of me. Lloyd ends up not finishing that sentence.

“I don't hate you. I love you with all my heart but when I look at you I can't help but think about how I did hate you and it makes me feel so- so guilty and awful.”, Lloyd let's out a shaky breath he didn't know he was holding because what he was about to say next was without a doubt the hardest thing for him to say out loud.

“If you, all of you I mean, hate me now that's okay, I get it.”, a sob escaped his lips.

“Lloyd-”

“I really won't judge you if you do-”

“Listen to me-”

“And if you want me to leave now, I will-”

“Please just-”

“If I were you I wouldn't want me to stick around-”

“Greenie-”

“As well-”

“I hate myself too-”

“Lloyd, don't you dare finish that sentence! Just listen to me!”, Kai rose his voice making the blond flinch and look up at him in shock.

Kai hated to see him like that, so hurt, so broken, so small, so young because in the end that's all he was. Their younger brother who had to grow up way too fast, much like Kai himself had to. Of course Kai also knew that his little brother wasn't a child anymore. He knew he was already seventeen but even that was way too young of an age for carrying the burden of being the Green Ninja and everything else that had happened to him.

“I'm not mad at you. It's completely natural to feel anger and sometimes even hatred when grieving. When I-”, Kai bit his lip for a second. Normally he wouldn't talk about it, wouldn't talk about his childhood and his parents absence. But he had them back now, everything turned out okay. “When I thought that my parents had died I was constantly getting into fights with random children to let out my anger. Because I hated them for leaving me and Nya all alone. So believe me I get it and I am not mad at all.”, he let out a sigh and sat down next to him pulling the blonde's head close to his chest. This time Lloyd didn't push him away. “I love you. You're my little baby brother and there is nothing you could ever do or say to change that or to make me hate you, I care too much about you for that. And don't you dare think about leaving us and don't you dare hate yourself. You are beautiful from the inside and outside. You've done so much good and you are so important to every single one of us, we want to help you and go through this with you together. Please just let us- let us help you.”, he felt Lloyd nod against his chest murmuring a silent 'okay'.

“We are going to get through this all together you just have to let us in.”, Nya smiling softly at the blond who nodded once more and sat up straight again.

“Thank you, guys.”

“It's what friends are for, Lloydie Boygie.”, the half-human scrunched.

“Jay, please-”

“Never say that again.”, Kai finished for him but couldn't hide his amused smile.

“So.”, Zane spoke up for the first time during the whole conversation. Lloyd wasn't mad at him for it, he knew how hard it was for Zane to comfort others due to his sort of blunt nature - it just wasn't his thing. “Should I look over your self-inflicted wounds now?”, Lloyd made a face and swore he could hear the others breathe in sharply. Yes, definitely blunt.

“Uh.”, he murmured while standing up. “Guess so. Med-Bay?”, Zane just nodded and made his way out of the kitchen being followed by the young Master.

[pinksausageduo]

bae jinyoung|enemies to lovers

member: bae jinyoung genre: angsty/fluffy summary: school au! enemies to lovers au! you and jinyoung constantly tease each other, when a series of events makes jinyoung suddenly nicer to you, will you fall for him? requested: yes enemies to lovers series: bae jinyoung | ong seongwoo | park jihoon | kim jaehwan | lai guanlin | ha sungwoon | hwang minhyun | yoon jisung

you've been in elementary school all the way to high school with bae jinyoung

even talking about him makes you want to puke

the thing is EVERYONE loved jinyoung

apparently he was such a nice and sweet guy

but to you he was an absolute prick all he ever did was tease you, fight with you and just generally made your life a living hell

it all started in high school

you both used to be just classmates to each other not really caring about each other's existence

but suddenly high school came along and BAM!

he teased you as much as possible

like it wasn't super bad or anything he was just the only person who could rile you up that badly

you were both known to be super sweet and kind

but you turned into basically demons when you were around each other

and the thing is you ALWAYS had to hear about him which made everything so much worse

“oh did you hear that jinyoung is going out with this model?”

“didn’t jinyoung win an award for being the nicest guy in the grade?”

“the goal jinyoung made in the basketball game was legendary”

“gosh jinyoung is so handsome if i could only get one date with him”

YOU JUST DIDN’T GET WHY EVERYONE LOVED HIM

well you kinda did but you'd never admit that not over your dead body

anyways the teasing was constant

“y/n haven't you put in any effort into dressing yourself, you literally look like you've died and came back to life?” he’d say as you pass his desk

you'd just tell him to fuck off

whenever he did better in a test than you

“wow aren't you an idiot, really 75/100? i got 92/100” he’d say while shoving the test paper in front of you

“mhmm and aren't you the one who got a C in your history essay? and i'm the one who an A+” you'd say smugly while raising an eyebrow enjoying his slight blush and a quiet groan sitting back into his seat

you heard him mutter “it was one bloody time”

you'd giggle under your breath

and when he heard it he’d smile slightly hoping no one noticed he smiled

he's such a cute innocent baby i cannot

you fell once in the corridor luckily no one saw but of course jinyoung did (cause he was staring at you)

“you’re so clumsy, you trip over your own feet”

he'd say smirking while walking off with his hands in his pockets

leaving you with your books and pens everywhere

you glared daggers at him as he walked off but a bit of you was hurting you thought he might at least help you up

you didn’t know why you were upset tho

you got over it quickly, you always did

but the one incident that made the harmless teasing into just plain hatred for him was when his fan club went after you

you were bad mouthing jinyoung because he kept on teasing you about you getting your period in class and you leaking everywhere

you really didn't want to think about it, it was super embarrassing

but basically his fan club was a few girls who were completely obsessed with him

you always got a little bit bullied by them writing things on your locker, books going missing not huge stuff

because of how much attention jinyoung gave you even though it was only teasing

it wasn't a big deal to you but none of your friends knew about it

they went up to you as you were getting stuff out of your locker and the main girl basically said to you

“don’t talk to jinyoung ever again, don’t talk shit about him, if he teases you stay silent, if you don't follow our instructions we will make sure your life is a living hell” she threatens while sneering down on you

“what the fuck? he’s the one that always teases me, he hates me and if he teases me i will retaliate because i don't wan to take his bullshit” you say disgusted at the words coming out of her mouth

“stop getting ahead of yourself, you attention seeking whore, don’t talk to him ever, got that?”

one of the other girls say super harshly

they kept on threatening you and during the middle of it you saw a figure near the group and your breath hitched and your heart stopped

it was jinyoung

your heart hardened he was there the whole time and he didn't stop it

he really hated you

and for some weird reason your heart felt like it completely broke as the realisation set in that he really did hate you

the girls didn't realise he was there and they kept threatening you and you just got to the point where

you didn't care anymore about their bullshit so you just nodded and agreed

“okay good don't fucking test us” the main girl says

then two of the other girls wrote in red marker right in front of your face onto the locker

whore bitch slut in super big letters

they all glared or smirked at you and left 

you noticed jinyoung was still there, still watching you get bullied because of him

and all you wanted to do was breakdown and cry

you wanted him to come over and ask if you were okay but he didn’t he just stood there emotionless

or that was what you thought

you couldn't see his facial expression

you couldn't see how shocked, how hurt, and how guilty and bad he felt

how much he wanted to go over there wrap his arms around you and apologise for every single thing he said to you

how much he wanted to hurt the girls who could say that to you

but he didn't because he couldn't look at you in the eye and see the hatred in them

the girl he’s liked for years to look at him in disgust

and before he knew it he turned away from you and as he walked away

both of your hearts shattered into a million pieces

you shut your locker quickly not bothered to clean it up and went straight home

you watched the titanic and ate ben and jerry’s to cheer yourself up

you cried yourself to sleep and the most surprising thing to you was it wasn’t because the girls bullied you but because jinyoung didn’t do anything and you absolutely hated yourself for being so affected by him

jinyoung on the other hand had to go to the game congratulatory dinner

(if you've read guanlin’s: he’s both my bestfriend and my boyfriend, it's during that period of time, it’s the same dinner and universe)

there he saw your best friend (since they were on the same team, aka you in guanlin scenario) and he felt so guilty all over again

daehwi noticed how upset he looked and asked him 

“jinyoung-ah are you okay you look terrible” daehwi asked concerned

“i’m fine don’t worry about me” jinyoung said giving daehwi a weak smile

daehwi still worried about him talked to a few of the members

“jihoon-ah, woojin-ah, jinyoung looks so down do you know why?”

“no he never said anything to me” woojin said shaking his head

“hmmm, it might be because y/n?” jihoon suggested

“why her?” daniel said puzzled butting into the conversation

“cause he likes her you dumbass what else do you think?” seongwoo said rolling his eyes

“HEY! i’m not a dumbass, nobody ever told me!” daniel protested

“wait, so jinyoung likes y/n but he always teases her?” guanlin interrupted

“what type of logic is that?” daniel said perplexed

“the one where he doesn’t know how to express his feelings” woojin said trying to reason jinyoung’s actions

“that’s what you would do too woojin, or you’d just run away from her every time you see her” seongwoo said with a teasing smile

“HYUNG! i’m not that bad” woojin protested

“you really are” everyone chorused

woojin just groaned it’s okay we all still love you and would probs chase you if you ran away from us lmao (but not in a creepy way of course)

“but guys just don’t give jinyoung a hard time okay? he looks so upset, ah guanlin-ah! if it’s about y/n that means ask her best friend if she can talk to him and help him if it’s about y/n” daehwi said 

(to everyone who didn’t read my other guanlin fic, guanlin and your best friend are best friends who end up dating)

“yeah sure, i’ll talk to her right now” guanlin said with a reassuring smile

basically guanlin told your best friend everything and she was always suspicious about you liking jinyoung and today you left without saying anything to her so she agreed into talking to jinyoung

she basically went over and like nicely threatened him to tell him if anything happened between you two

he spilled everything about what happened 

your best friend wanted to strangle him first for not doing anything, then wanted to strangle you for not telling her about the bullying and then couldn’t be mad at either of you

because jinyoung looked like he was going to cry and you knew you were probably crying yourself to sleep

your best friend with the help of daehwi made a plan for him to be nice to you and apologise CONSTANTLY like 24/7 and make sure his fan club never goes after you

the most important thing was he would have to win you over

she told him to act how he actually wants to be around you

if he couldn't do that, your best friend harshly said to give up now because you weren’t a person who would forgive someone without the other person giving in effort

he agreed wholeheartedly, super happy at the fact that there is a possibility you liked him

but also super guilty and upset about what happened and how much pain he caused you 

anyways the dinner ended and he was already planning what he would do the next day

it was the day after the dinner

everyone was still talking about the game

luckily it was mostly people talking about your best friend scoring the winning goal

you'd gush over her constantly being soooo proud of her

but people were also talking about jinyoung and how great he was in defence

you'd just not say anything and be super still

as you were talking about the game with your classmates

you entered the classroom

and on your desk there was a cup of your favourite coffee and a note

“be happy and sweet like you always are!”

you smiled, at the cup of coffee, heart slightly fluttering at the thought of a secret admirer

then jinyoung entered the classroom with his fan club tailing him

your heart sank when you saw him but then he was coming towards you with his fan club and you didn’t know what to expect

to your biggest shock the girls who bullied you yesterday chorused

“we’re sorry about yesterday, we promise not to ever bother you again, i hope you forgive us”

you look at jinyoung incredulously knowing he’s the reason why they’re apologising

he looks at you with a sheepish smile

and your heart as much as you didn’t want it to fluttered just a tiny bit

but you sent him a cold glare because he still didn’t do anything yesterday and was a complete asshole the past few years

you look at the girls and scoff “fine whatever just don’t bother me again”

and they quickly leave

you see jinyoung opening his mouth and before you know it the anger you have bursts and you lash out 

“don’t you dare talk to me after yesterday, i don’t care what you did to make these girls apologise, you’re still a heartless asshole in my eyes” you say your voice dangerously low and filled with the hurt 

he looks down extremely upset and walks to his desk without another word

you let out a sigh and a bit of you is screaming why were you so mean

but you ignored that bit of you trying to convince yourself all he’s doing is being selfish and trying to make himself better by apologising

after class you heard people saying that jinyoung was cleaning one of the lockers in the morning 

and instantly you knew it was yours, your heart warmed but only slightly 

the whole day both of you looked so upset and both of you wouldn’t tell anyone why

the next few days jinyoung always was nice to you

giving you encouragements, saying nice things, constantly saying sorry

“i’m sorry y/n, i really am” he’d say as he’d pass you in the corridor

and when you saw his gorgeous brown warm eyes you know he was saying the truth

“you’re gonna do really well on the test don’t worry!” he’d say sweetly to you before a maths test “you look pretty today y/n! not that you don’t always look pretty but-you get what i mean” he’d say flustered when he stopped at your desk in the morning before he’d rush to go to his being super embarrassed

and you couldn’t help yourself but you warmed up to him

the first days you gave him the silent treatment

but the silent treatment became small smiles

and small smiles became “thank you, jinyoung”

the first time you said thank you his face lit up with happiness 

and you could’t help but giggle softly to yourself 

and his expression of happiness became pure adoration as he heard your cute giggle

then thank you’s became conversations

and you guys ended up being friends to the surprise of yourself 

when you finally had a proper conversation 

jinyoung was soooo happy

sorry this bit was so rushed forgive me

all the wanna one members teased him for looking so love struck but he didn’t care and he always blushed or smiled when your name came into the conversation

anyways

there was always a cup of your favourite coffee on your table with a cute little note

after a week of the coffees saying nice things it became a compliment + a small confession

“i like you”, “i wish i could confess”, “one day i hope you’ll like me too”

everyone thought the coffees were super cute

but the thing is you were torn 

the guy with the coffees seems super sweet and always made you blush

but you couldn’t help your heart beating super fast when jinyoung ever smiled at you or talked to you

you didn’t believe that you were falling for jinyoung but you couldn’t help yourself 

he really became a different person in the past two weeks

he always made you feel all warm and fuzzy

making silly faces in class making you giggle

to complimenting you

and with light teasing banter in the morning

and you could even say now that you were friends with him

you loved being around with him he made you feel special

to finally get rid of your indecisiveness 

you ended up going to school earlier than usual to see who your secret admirer

as you walk into the corridor you see a guy entering your classroom with a cup of coffee

but he had his back to you on so you couldn’t see his face

your heart sped up so much you thought you were going to have a heart attack

you entered the classroom

and you saw him

and your heart completely stopped

with his perfect uniform, blazer and tie, with his eyes that could melt you into a puddle of goo, his slightly messed up hair and his pink lips

he was standing right in front of you with an expression of shock

Bae Jinyoung

“uuhhhh-y/n-n what are you doing here so early?” he said nervously rubbing the back of his neck

you didn’t answer the question and shyly asked

“you’re the one who’s been giving me coffees aren’t you?”

he looked down not meeting your eyes and said in a hesitant tone but super sweetly

“yes, i like you y/n, i’ve liked you since the start of high school, i’m so sorry for teasing you that was the only way i could think of getting you attention and when those girls bullied you. I didn’t know what to do but i felt so guilty which is why i did everything possible for you to forgive me and thankfully you did. i completely understand if you don’t return my feelings especially after everything i did to you but i promise to wait for you” 

your heart melted as he confessed and before you knew it

you ran into his arms and hugged him tight instantly he hugged you back

and you felt everything you were supposed to 

safe, loved and cared for

“i like you too, jinyoung, how could i not and i forgive you for everything that happened before. But also you chose a really shitty way to get my attention.” you chuckled softly still wrapped in his arms

“i know i did” he replied with a light laugh

you broke apart as the bell rang

you ended up sitting next to each other whispering jokes and laughing softly as the teacher droned on

jinyoung insisted into taking you to every class and carrying your bag

you protested but you only ended up with him walking to you to every class but you got to wear your bag

he always had his arm around you or held your hand

and you felt so loved and happy when he did and he’d always smile at you 

lunch came

and you entered the cafeteria and literally 10 seconds after you did

seongwoo literally got up on the table where the members and your best friend was sitting on and screamed to the whole entire cafeteria

“OUR BABY JINYOUNG FINALLY CONFESSED TO Y/N, THEY’RE GONNA BE THE CUTEST, MOST AWKWARD AND EASIEST TO TEASE COUPLE EVER!!!” 

jinyoung groaned embarrassed and you were murderous screaming to seongwoo who was like a big brother to you

“YAH! ONG SEONGWOO I’M GOING TO KILL YOU” 

“ONLY IF YOU CATCH ME” he said and had a nerve to even wink at you

you chased him around the cafeteria and ended up tackling him to the ground to everyones amusement and you ended up sitting on him until he apologised which he did

you were satisfied and headed towards the table 

you didn’t notice jinyoung stood up and as you reached the table and gave you a back hug and a kiss on your head lol i love back hugs sm 

and said whispering sweetly into your ear which resulted into you smiling blushing back up at him

“that’s my girl”

OKAY THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE CAUSE I LOVE BAEJIN and he's such a cutie and also making it in the same universe as my guanlin fic made it 2x better. anyways it was so much longer than i expected to be and i feel like its super shitty lmao. anyways about the gif ik its not that great w the story but he looks so cute i cannot and also i make my fics unnecessarily enemies to lovers lmao sorry bout that. ANYWAYS PLEASE SEND THINGS TO MY INBOX OR MESSAGE ME ILL LOVE YOU IF YOU DO, don’t care if its feedback, a question, a request (even tho i have so many rip), or like anything

enemies to lovers series: bae jinyoung | ong seongwoo | park jihoon | kim jaehwan | lai guanlin | ha sungwoon | hwang minhyun | yoon jisung

[hamil-tonn-of-trash]

Hamfam Snow Adventures

Prompt: One November morning, it snows for the first time the hamfam is united in New York. Two weeks later, we initially decided to go sledding in the mountains.

Words: 2247

Warnings: Cursing, sarcastic humor, your dirty mind.

Notes: Now I’m not the best writer in the world and I cannot write endings for the life of me but I love you all so much and I want to express that. Also if I am unsure of your pronouns I just wrote “they/them if you want your pronouns changed let me know so I can edit the story. Also I skimmed over this and didn’t heavily proofread this so there may be errors. Also I hope this isn’t too much about me because I’m trying to avoid that. The portrayal may be a little inaccurate but I tried my best.

More important notes: If I didn’t mention you personally, it just means that I haven’t taken the time to get to know you. All of you are amazing, special snowflakes!! This is based off of the fic that Ams @sasstran wrote, make sure to check it out for a better idea of what’s going on! It’s worth it, they’re an amazing writer.

Tags: @its-the-hamfam @thatuglydino @5secondsofhamilton @sasstran @secretschuylersister @musicalmiranda @psychedemigod @building-palaces-from-paragraphs @starfreckledlaurens @casual-hamiltrash @hamiltrashtothemax @piercethemarti @matt10nt I probably forgot a whole bunch of people sorry!

When I first moved to New York, my mind was blown by the immensely rich culture, the glitzy, flashy lights of Broadway, the accents and the most exciting: the snow.

The first time it snowed when we moved here was two weeks ago. I am usually a heavy sleeper but the honks and whooshes of the taxis, the constant echoes of people taking outside and the unfamiliarity of the place wakes me up every night around three A.M. I figured that trying to coax myself back to sleep wasn’t going to work so I sat up and stared out the window into the city that never seemed to sleep. Something had changed around me, something was not the same. (You catch the Wicked reference? Sorry not sorry)

The drizzling of soft flakes floated down from the heavens and I bolted out of bed. Ecstatic to go scream to my best friends about the snow. I busted open the door to Poppy’s bedroom, sprinted over to her and shook her until she woke up. “POPPY HOLY SHIT IT’S SNOWING OUTSIDE!!’” (I whispered this urgently, I’m not THAT insane) Poppy blinked in confusion and replied: “Brandy, it’s three in the morning and you almost dislocated my left arm to wake me up only to tell me that’s IT’S SNOWING?!!!!”

“Uhhhhhh yeah I mean it’s exciting I guess?” I answered blankly.

A grin crossed Poppy’s face and she chuckled “WELL THIS IS A FUCKING MILESTONE I’LL GET MY CAMERA AND WE’LL TAKE PICTURES OKAY?”

“Okay.”

After getting dressed we decided to not wake anybody else up because last time we woke the entire group up to announce that we were going mini-golfing, Gee practically killed us. Quietly giggling we attempted to tiptoe out of the apartment complex. Yet, another soul was awake in those blissful, shadowy hours. Taylor emerged from her apartment with her arms crossed with a smirk.

“Are you guys trying to sneak out?” She inquired.

“No, it’s just snowing outside and we want pictures labeled: ‘First Snow’.” Poppy explained and Taylor nodded and went back into her apartment. An awkward moment of silence filled the empty hallway. Momentarily, Taylor and Rebekah reappeared dressed in their winter gear and we finally stepped outside into the crisp, frigid air adorned by snowflakes swirling around like ballerinas on a stage.

Rebekah and Taylor sat on the entrance steps and hugged while Poppy started snapping pictures and I simply stared at it in awe. I stuck out my tongue to taste the flavorless, icy flecks until Poppy shook me out of it.

“Earth to Brandy? Time for a group photo!” I sat down next to Rebekah and Taylor and Poppy asked a stranger to take it for us. I’m pretty sure Poppy gave the guy an extensive tutorial on how to take a fucking photo because when he was about to take the picture he said:

“Say ‘Hamfam’!”

We thanked the man and sent him on his way and we chilled on the doorsteps to an apartment where the rest of our family slept until we got sleepy and fell back asleep.

——————————-

November 26, 2021 9:26 AM

That moment was captured and taped into our scrap book to be kept forever but now we were all going to go for a day trip up in the mountains to go sledding. Well at least almost all of us, the rest had work or school related stuff going on so they couldn’t come with us. It took us months to find a date that would accommodate to all of our work schedules but it’s hard when you have fifty people. We all loaded up into three separate cars (with some people sitting on other’s laps) and got comfy for the long drive.

Maaike, Dorian, Gianna, Julia and I all piled into Gianna’s little blue car. Ams, Sage, Hunter, Taylor, Rebekah, Cass, Psy, and Shy crowded into Taylor’s comfy, shiny SUV. Gee, Marti, Poppy, Lea, Ari and Zoe took a cheap Chevy convertible that we all chipped in to buy as a community car. Mainly because we were blacklisted from cab services for asking all the cab drivers to play musical’s.

The second Gianna started the car “Alexander Hamilton” stared playing. Gianna was bobbing her head to the beat while the rest of us were going insane and banging our head manically as we drove through the heavy New York traffic. Once “Farmer Refuted” came on Maaike and I thought that Gianna was having a stroke or something because she almost hit a stop sign and almost got into an accident with a taxi. “GIANNA!” Julia screamed into her face as Gianna suddenly snapped back into reality. “Oh sorry guys, I was thinking about Thayne’s butt.” I leaned over to Dorian and whispered: “She hasn’t changed one bit since 2017.” Dorian nodded in agreement and laughed a little.

“BRANDY! SCOOCH YOUR FUCKING ASS OVER I HAVE NO ROOM.” Maaike screeched and the rest was cursing in Dutch. It should be noted that we go ballistic and playfully attack at each other but we never actually fight. I moved and Julia whipped out her Milky Way.

Gianna’s eyes widened and she reached for it and joked. “YOU KNOW WHO LOVED MILKY WAYS? BenNAY WOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“You aren’t getting any from me.” Julia smirked and devoured the entire bar in front of Gianna’s face. “Also, you’re not paying attention to the road Gianna.”

“Oops.” ——————————–

12:43 PM

After a very long two hours of driving and watching the scenery change we reached our destination. A winter wonderland perfect for a group of angsty long-term Hamilton fans who came from Hawaii to Austria. When I opened the car door, a blast of freezing winds pierced my skin and I already started to crave the warmth of the desert sun.

But the warmth of spending time with my family felt warmer than a fire.

Gee looked exhausted from the drive but there was still a spark of excitement under that. Psy and Shy loaded out the sleds from the trunk and we started to search for a nice hill without too many pointy sticks that would impale one of us. Sage and Hunter sang the lyrics to “A Winter’s Ball” and Cass snapped that it wasn’t even winter yet which caused Sage to chuck a small stick at Cass but ended up missing by about two feet. “A Winter’s Ball’ turned into singing holiday carols in like five different languages.

Eventually, we found a damn hill and we all voted that Ari and Zoe got to go first for actually cleaning up their apartments (including their roommate’s spaces). They both mounted the sled and out of the blue, Hunter forcefully pushed them down the hill at full speed. “WHAT THE FUCK!” Zoe exclaimed as the sled almost slapped a nearby tree. The wind whipped their faces as we all gasped in shock. The sled slowed down and they shot us synchronized glares but then they laughed and gestured for another group to ride down.

I have no clue if letting three sleds go down at once is safe but it happened. Marti and Dorian collided and they rolled down and high-dived and Ams was the ultimate sled GOD. They’re taking this sled by the reigns making the hamfam envy them insane-ly!!! With amazing steer and a calm conscious, Ams beat all of us in the first round. I wish I could tell you what was happening in their brain!

It was Shy and I’s turn now and to be honest, I was pretty nervous because the last time I went sledding I had a breakdown…yeah long story. Shy waved me over to join them and then merrily we roll along a huge ass hill. A rush of adrenaline kicked in and I think it was the same for Shy because I felt them perk up a little. The sled raked against the thin layer of snow as we both felt the friction of the snow and the raft building up until suddenly it turned over and I felt myself tumble in the frozen abyss (headfirst into the abyss). I don’t think either of us were Elsa because one, we are not magically immune to the cold, and two, we are both from not-so-cold places. The cold bothers everyone except for Ams because Ams is magical (well yeah and they’re from Finland). I dug my way out and I looked up to see my friends gasping and still laughing from the epic sled fail.

“Are you two alright?” Zoe said, shocked.

“IT’S COLD!!!!!!!!!!!!” I whined and shakily stood up. Where Shy had already got up.

“Okay, sledding isn’t too safe because Marti has a bruise on her forehead and that sled is in pieces…Anybody have ideas for something a little safer?” Rebekah asked. A smirk appeared on Gianna’s face and her eyebrows were raised. This couldn’t be good, I knew that look. Gianna had an idea. “SNOWBALL FIGHT!!!!!!”

Within only a few moments, the entire situation was in turmoil. Everybody was violently chucking humongous snowballs at each other. Cass hit three people in one shot by throwing multiple snowballs at once. Poppy was aimlessly propelling lumps of snow that mostly hit trees. I think Dorian, Taylor and Lea teamed up and approached a small group of people who were huddled up in fear and completely wrecked them. Gianna somehow climbed a tree and was forcefully flinging white balls of mush at everyone’s head. I watched as Rebekah tripped over a stick and Ams ambushed her by lightly putting the snowball on top of her head and they both laughed and hugged. As I was trying to escape the chaos I found Ari behind a tree catching up on another TV show on her phone.

“Move over dumbass.” I laughed as Ari rose an eyebrow at me and I felt a cold sensation splatter across my face and I realized that I had fallen for one of Ari’s tricks. I cracked up and I might’ve cried, I don’t know. “That HURT!” I stuttered as I barley held in my laughter. “Your fault…dumbass.” Ari responds with a quick “that was so satisfying” under her breath.

“HE WILL NEVER BE SATISFIED, SATISFIED, SATISFIEEEEEEEDD!” Hunter bellowed.

“NON-STOP.” Maaike yelled.

A couple seconds later the entire group was surrounding us and singing non-stop harmonies.

“I love you guys.” I cried with tears of happiness (and pain from that damn snowball) rushing down my face. It got all corny with agreements and cuddles until Julia piped up:

“I’m hungry, is there food nearby?”

“YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WITH FOOD!!” Gianna raged in fake anger.

“So??” Julia protested.

“CHILDREN CALM DOWN!” Marti intervened. “It’s been decided by the rest of us silently that we will go down to the lodge and eat food!” We nodded and loaded up the cars and drove a little further down the mountain to a lodge with a heater (thank god) and home cooked meals. We practically took up half the restaurant and we all got hot drinks and ate comfort foods. Some people got fried chicken, hamburgers, baked potatoes and macoroni and cheese. We feasted and it took about twenty minutes to split the check and the waiter got super impatient with us because two glasses were spilled and we treaded snow into the restaurant but we didn’t really care either way. While everyone was having a blast I couldn’t help but watch the snow flutter against the windows with a beauty I was unfamiliar with.

The drive back was full of Gianna’s short attention span, show tunes, and screwing around with friends (you fucking perv not that way!). It was around 10:30 when we got back and after relaxing and unwinding there was a problem. Nobody else was there. It was like Roanoke because there was zero traces of where the rest of them went. They shouldn’t have work this late and even if a couple did overtime it wouldn’t be EVERYONE. Psy called all of us over from the unsuccessful search party and showed us a note somebody had wrote.

“Since you decided to have your own fun time, so did we. We’ll be back eventually ;))))”

“Oh shit.” We all sighed in unison.

——————————– A check in on the rest of the fam 11:01/ 23:01 PM

There was a local bar called “The Spin” where approximately thirty Hamilton nerds were hanging out for the night. Some of them drank plain old beer, some drank cocktails and the underage ones drank soft drinks (how the fuck did they get in?). Jo raised a small glass for a toast and said: “YOYOYOYOOOOO IT’S BEEN A-MA-ZIIINNNNG TONIGHT!!”

Reiley continued the toast by saying: “WE TROLLED THEM OUT OF THEIR MINDS!!”

“YUP!” Shannon said as they played footsie with Rosey and Grace under the table.

“LET’S GET EVEN MORE FUCKING DRUNK OR SUGAR HIGH FAM!!!” Vanna screamed and eventually the bar owners left while this group of drunk nerds happily sang show tunes and decided to come back in the morning when they’re gone.

One of the owners left the door open and snowflakes crept into the bar. For just a moment, within everybody’s hearts from the steps of an apartment complex to a flashy bar miles away, there was a feeling, a knowing of interconnectedness between every single one of them.

[a-deadly-serenade]

Tag!

RULES: Always post the rules. Answer the questions asked, then write 11 new ones. Tag 11 people to answer your questions, as well as the person who tagged you.

i was tagged by @ladywiltshire​!! thank youuuu ;3;

1. Do you remember your first time watching or reading Fullmetal Alchemist? What was your first impression?

yes, because it was just this year lmao. i had known about fma for a little while, because two of my friends were into it. i especially recall one of them having icons of lust when we first met, and my best friend (who is also my roommate) has a shirt and the first volume of the manga. we were binging random animes one night and he suggested that we watch the first episode of 03. i just kept making fun of it the entire time, especially after ed’s shirt tore while he was fighting father cornello and just,,,, “hi my name is edward. i’m 15 years old and i’m SHREDDED AS FUC K” good times.

2. Tell us about The Fave™.

i’m assuming we’re still talking about fma so....

the greedy boy is my fav (dam i know,, no one could have guessed). i don’t really know how it started tbh, because i don’t feel as though he left a huge impression on me after i finished 03. although, i do recall looking up pictures of him one night shortly before i started brotherhood and saw his second form and i was we AK. i had always had a thing for guys with long, dark hair so i saw greedling and i was shook. i think i ended up spoiling some stuff for myself (such as his death and that he was reborn, obviously) but i started brotherhood anyways. when i saw ling for the first time i was like, “ohhhh you’re the one who gets possessed. okay.” and when it finally happened it was LIT.

i don’t know, brotherhood was such an amazing experience watching it for the first time, and it made me appreciate so many characters a lot more than 03 did, and i feel as though i really connected to greed. he’s an asshole, that much is obvious, but i think what really stuck out to me was the scene after he killed bido and ling made him realize the severity of what he had just done.

personally, it’s very difficult for me to express how i feel towards people that i am close with. i have friends that tell me they love me all the time, and i often find myself simply nodding or giving them an awkward smile whenever they convey these sentiments. it makes me uncomfortable accepting or even coming forward with intense feelings like that, which is how greed tended to handle these complicated aspects of his relationships as well. i’ve always kind of gravitated towards characters that appear p awkward in the emotional department.

we even handle coming to terms with these emotions pretty similarly. greed bottles all of these sentiments up until it finally crashes down on him during the final battle with father as ling recognizes what exactly it is he’s craving during those last moments. all he ever wanted was friends, people that genuinely cared about his wellbeing and would fight to the death to protect him, which is what makes him act to reckless and in the end, results in his death.

i guess one could call this pretty self-destructive, but it’s something that i am guilty of. i keep stuff bottled in because i’m afraid of the outcome, or how certain people would react if it ever came out. which is what often leads me to have very severe breakdowns, especially during a night of heavy drinking.

he’s also self-conscious about his appearance and i’m like,,, bitch me too, the fuck??

i dunno. there are certain characters that i will really cling to, and greed is one of them. he’s just such a good character, and has honestly helped me a lot recently. whenever i have surrendered to the zone™, i know i can turn to fma:b, and especially greed, to make me feel better. i dunno. he means a lot to me.

3. Do you have a favorite fan work? Fanfics? Comics?

if we’re still talking about fma, then, i know this is a copout answer, but all of the fan art i have seen from the fandom has been really great, and i appreciate all of it!!

for other things, there was this pokémon comic i read awhile back that was based on someone’s nuzlocke playthrough, and it was really funny and art and story are p good too! check it out: http://nuzlocke.com/index.php

and there’s also this winx club fan comic that is taking place with their kids, called “almost magical”. the author, Chocolatesmoothie, has been working on this for years and the character designs are absolutely amazing! what’s she’s written so far is great, so i highly recommend it (even if none of y’all even know what winx is): http://almostmagical.thecomicseries.com/comics/first

4. Hit me with an analysis/opinion you have on the series or characters!

uhhhhhh i guess giving an opinion on the show would be easier for me

so, i guess you could picture me a few months ago, having just finished 03 and finding the ending a bit of a let down. i was a bit hesitant when starting brotherhood because i remembered the drama it had initiated at my high school lunch table full of fucken nerds, and how they had absolutely hated what they had watched of it. it wasn’t until i had gotten to episodes that were completely knew to me (i.e. 15) that i realized, hot diggity damn, this is actually really good. i finished brotherhood relatively quickly (about two days), and started to delve more into the lore and the characters, because i basically loved everything about the series.

the story was one i had never seen before, and i adored how much care that arakawa put into all of her characters. it was especially refreshing how great all of the female characters in the story were, and how none of them were fetishized or used as cheap plot devices in any way; not even the epitome and lust and sexual desire was sexualized which is some gooooood shit, if i do say so myself. the world that she had built was rich and interesting, and no episode of the show had been dull to me, even ones where things took a little step back (i.e. 27 that’s literally titled interlude party).

the much faster pace that a lot of people complained about, honestly reminded me of the one of the biggest gripes that fans give to sailor moon crystal. however, i much prefer the faster pace, since it makes it closer to the original manga and cuts out of this unnecessary bullshit. i remember going through random episodes of 03 again and being in the 20′s, and i saw hughes in the opening, and being so confused as to how they had dragged out his death for so long. the impacts of events that take place in both versions of the anime still held profound effects on the characters, (maes’s death, nina’s transmutation, the discussions on winry’s parents, martel’s death, etc.) so it did not really bother me that maes dies so much sooner in brotherhood than 03. it still held great significance in the development of the characters of roy, winry, and the elric brother’s.

also the music is AMAZING. so good. i want to buy the ost someday. i was deadass jammin out to period while i was making my lunch today no lie. isso good.

5. Tell us about a project you have going on! Or if you don’t have one, maybe something you’ve always wanted to write or draw?

fma related, as of now, i’m finishing up the first part of a reader fic that i promised. i think it’s turned out p good. a hell of a lot longer than i expected it, but i feel good about it.

as for other fandoms, i’ve been in the process of writing this black butler fanfiction for months now and it has yet to be completed. i either don’t have the time to work on it, or i have no motivation to work on it, so we’ll see what happens lmfao.

something i’ve definitely been wanting to learn how to do is make really good gif edits because i keep hearing songs that would fit certain fma characters so well, and i just don’t have the capabilities to make them yet. hopefully someday though.

6. Favorite opening/ending number and why?

my favorite opening is definitely “period” by chemistry, and my favorite ending is what follows shortly after, which is “shunkan sentimental” by scandal. i have always been a sucker for really good guitar riffs, and the one that scandal has as their hook is just so good. mmmmmm. for period, the lead singer’s voice is an aspect i’ve always liked, he gets so passionate and it just works so well with the visuals that they’ve laid out on top of it--which are another part i’ve really liked about this duo.

with period there’s the big explosion that pride causes with his shadows as soon as the beat hits never fails to pump me up, and then there’s the fight with greed and wrath on the rooftop, and lan fan and fu being badasses, and hohenheim being all dramatic, and kimblee popping up outta nowhere to blow shit up, or when ed and al feeling as though they’ve been separated and that they’re all alone, when really, there are hundreds of people there to support them. it’s just... so good.

and with shunkan sentimental, with the transmutation energy flowing down the tunnels going to the guitar, or when ed’s team/greed team 2.0 show up and all look ready to kick some ass when the chorus comes around, and then there’s trisha and hohenheim being cutie pies, and winry making her way downtown with such spirit and purpose... eugh. such good songs. such good openings.

7. Tell me about a scene that really touched your or made you realize something about yourself.

a scene that almost immediately comes to mind is when greed kills bido, and it honestly becomes more and more powerful every time i re-watch the series. when ling finally manages to talk some sense into greed, the audience can truly see how tormented this realization makes him, and that someone who’s supposed to be so high and mighty, and have no other purpose than to strive for their ultimate self-actualization, literally breaks down because of what they had done to another person, a friend. he even goes so far to attack the man that he thinks is to blame, wrath, even when bradley is more than capable to taking greed down, since he was the one that captured him in the first place.

another scene i really like is when ed finally calls hohenheim “father” (even if it is stupid father), and then he travels to trisha’s grave to tell her what happened, before he dies with a smile on his face ;;

8. OTPs! Who are they? Why are you WEAK FOR THEM??

i’m just gonna stick with fma cuz otherwise we’d be here all day.

Royai → they deserve each other like,,, honestly. their bond and trust is so good. i literally screamed when riza got her neck slashed opened and then immediately started crying because she said that she wouldn’t die because she was “under strict orders not to.” bye i love them. and then roy acting like a pos, as though he’s talking to some random elizabeth flower girl when SYKE U FOOL, IT WAS REALLY I, RIZA ALL ALONG. and the constant joke where she has to save roy’s ass when he’s being overconfident in the rain. boi.... sit down.

Edling → ummm....two precious boys??? yes??? yes. this is a more recent one, and all the cute fan art that exists has only exacerbated my feelings towards them. they work so well together, and they support one another, and they’re just adorable bros. i dunno. they’re cutie beans.

Ed/Winry → (idk if they have a ship name forgive me) i was debating making this an ot3 with ling..... but i can talk about why these two specifically are v cute together. i honestly didn’t like winry that much when i first started, but then episode 22 happened. she’s very strong, kind, caring, smart, resourceful, and someone that had put up with ed’s shit for years. and if u didn’t at least crack a smile when ed did that whole “equivalent exchange” confession before he left on the train.... then u a dang liar.

Trisha/Hohenheim → *clutches heart* so good..... trisha was such a good woman. she saw hohenheim as a human being, as someone who deserved love, and deserved the children and loved ones that he had. she didn’t see him as the monster he constantly believed he was. she gave him hope, she understood him.... just.... so good. i love them.

i’ve also seen a lot of v cute art for ed/ling/greed or just ling/greed but idk if i ship them. they are v adorable though.

9. Funniest headcanon you’ve ever seen. Go!

well there’s the one i’ve seen floating around that bradley wears obnoxious hawaiian tshirts which is amazing.

and then kimblee’s garbage ass tipping his fucken fedora.... “m’lady”

my roommate and i have a personal headcanon for pride that instead of shadows, everyone calls them.... “twinkies” i have no recollection of why we decided this but it’s great.

10. What spurred you to join the fandom?

honestly, i try and stay away from the fandom of something i enjoy, because i’m worried about the cringe or nonsense that might happen. but my drunk ass had other plans and thus initiated all of my shit posts about greed. everyone has been really nice so far though!! and i’m even glad that there are still people even active on tumblr since i hopped on the fma bandwagon so late.

11. Definitely the same question… have a fandom meltdown here and tell me why you love your fandom or show/comic so much!

ladies and gentlemen, people of all ages, gather round, because i’m about to: overshare (:

when i first watched fma, it was during my month long winter break from college. i was so pumped to have an entire month to myself, and i had planned to do all of this stuff beforehand to keep myself occupied. finishing fma was one of my goals, and after i had finished brotherhood, i moved forward onto the next anime in my list which was k project. i got half-way through season 2 when i just... lost all interest.

i thought that i had just watched too much in too little time, so i decided to take a break from anime and instead try and pick up the sailor moon manga again, because it had been awhile since i read it. i got up to volume 6, and then stopped.

then i moved to playing smash or splatoon or even bayonetta, because if books and television weren’t keeping my attention, certainly my favorite games could, right? nope.

even the idea of turning on my wii u seemed so... pointless. it didn’t sound fun anymore.

at this point, i was feeling p drained every day and really bummed out. i was telling myself that i should not even think of self-diagnosing myself with some form of depression, but now that i can reflect on those last few weeks of break, i can come to the conclusion that i do have at least a mild case. i had brought up these feelings to my two friends (who had been clinically diagnosed) and told me that what i had experienced, were definitely indicators of a depressive episode.

around christmas is when i really started to isolate myself, and i hardly left my room. however, the cheritz team, the developers who make otome games, came out with a recent holiday dlc for their game mystic messenger, and that definitely helped me feel a lot better. i was finally interested in something again! but i was worried that once i had finished all of the routes, i would just return to that depressed state again.

as i was playing, i got tired of watching playthrough’s of games or even smash tournaments, so, i decided to put brotherhood back on again since i had enjoyed it so much. this time, however, i really took my time to enjoy every episode, and the week i spent revisiting the series, was honestly the happiest i had felt in awhile. it made me laugh, i appreciated the story and characters even more, and i definitely latched onto greed more-so during that time. he was the character i knew could make me laugh or smile, and i dunno, he means a lot to me.

i believe this is why i get to upset whenever someone tells me that they disliked brotherhood, or that they have not seen fma in general, because of how much it helped me, and how much it means to me. i understand now that i use it as a coping mechanism, and that (embarrassing as it might be) i often turn to greed especially when i’m feeling down.

there has been only one other show that i have consistently turned to whenever shit hits the fan and i need a good cheering up (robin hood bbc), so i really do mean it when i say that fma is special, and means a lot to me. it’s a bit bizarre how much of an impact its had on my life when i’ve only been involved in the fandom for about two months, but, it is what it is.

>>god this took so much longer than i thought it would im so sorry

I tag: @kamelothell​, @harmonicsynchronicity​, @sadlysweats​, @silicia​, @fabbyale​, @astralsweaters​, @xall4one​, @mean-bean-machines​

My questions (i made em as broad as possible since not everyone knows fma, even if that was the reoccurring theme sorry my dudes):

1. What fandom(s) are you most into right now?

2. Has said fandom(s) been involved in any drama lately?

3. Do you contribute to your various fandoms in any way? (fan-art, writing, videos, songs, photo edits)

4. Has any show/book/movie had any sort of significant impact on your life?

5. Which character do you feel as though you connect with the most? (from any of your fandoms!)

6. Is there one aspect about your favorite book/show/movie that you would like to change? Why or why not?

7. Is there one character that you absolutely cannot stand, whereas most other fans really like them?

8. Is there one ship that you absolutely cannot stand, whereas most other fans really like it?

9. Do you associate any songs with any of your favorite characters?

10. Which fandom have you been apart of the longest?

11. Would you say that you’ve had mostly good experiences with other fans? If not, then why do you think that is?

[velkynkarma]

Okay. So. I’ve had some time to come down off the mind-is-screaming-internally S2 high and think about a lot of stuff that I saw on my first playthrough. I still intend to go through and re-watch more closely for details. And I have NOT hit that level of ‘instantly knowing when and where scenes and tiny minuscule important details happen’ yet like I have for S1, so some thoughts might be jumbled or more explainable on a second pass. But for now, my reactions, my pros, my cons, my thoughts, and whether or not I’ll still be writing for this series.

Buckle up ‘cause like everything else I write this is gonna get long.

So as I mentioned last night, there were things I liked about this season, and there were things I didn’t. Let’s start with those. PROS:

Everyone gets a moment of sheer badassery. Everyone. Both in their Lion and on their own. Shiro’s combat scenes, Keith’s fights, Lance’s sharpshooting, Allura’s staff fight, I mean the list goes on.

One of my favorites was Hunk when mind controlled, though. Because holy crap—did you see how brutal he was when he had no inhibitions holding him back? He went to town and he messed Lance up pretty good. This says quite a lot about his character that I thought was really interesting. Hunk has has a lot of combat ability and potential, but he holds himself back, partly out of anxiety or that he doesn’t really believe he can do it, and partly because he doesn’t prefer the fighting method when there are other options. Hunk can absolutely fuck you up if he really wants to. He chooses not to. That’s big.

In general, just...absolutely gorgeous fight scenes. The choreography and movement of the characters was superb. As someone who studied animation I was blown away. Beautiful work.

All the Lions got an upgrade of some kind, some kind of special weapon. It kind of bothered me in S1 when the Red Lion got its giant super-gun at the last minute because it felt kind of deus ex machina, but I am glad at least that it’s become more established this is a thing all the Lions can do as long as you connect with them enough.

The Black Bayard has been recovered. Hell. Fucking. Yes.

There were just so many great character interactions and bonding moments. I love that we had a variety of different team-ups to see how different characters interacted with each other, especially in cases where they hadn’t previously. Hunk and Keith, Lance and Pidge, Lance and Shiro, Keith and Shiro, Lance and Hunk...just a lot of great interactions

There were so many “what the actual fuck am I watching” moments for me but I was laughing through all of them, so no complaints there. (Space mall. Just. Space. Mall).

Lots of moments when I laughed out loud or grinned wildly

Shiro losing his fucking cool because he’s human, yeah, I like seeing that haha

Slav. I just. As a person with obsessive compulsive disorder I related with this guy on a fundamental level. I’m not quite as bad as Slav is but man do I get what it’s like to have to do really stupid shit to just progress on a day to day level. (Also, he’s funny).

Zarkon and Haggar’s relationship was explored a lot more, which I really found interesting. In S1 they were a well-oiled machine and worked together perfectly. They also clearly trusted each other. S2 changed that up with Zarkon’s Lion obsession and Haggar wanting to focus on the internal spy and finishing off Allura. I’m curious to see where this will go and if it will form a rift.

Also: Haggar can be tricked. Her magic is not infallible. I suspect the Blade of Marmora has a technique or something to resist druid magic, otherwise they’d have been hardcore fucked centuries ago, but I find this intriguing all the same.

Blade of Marmora: “Come unarmed.” Haha but okay unless you literally disarm Shiro you can’t disarm Shiro and they know that so I’m genuinely surprised they didn’t throw more of a hissy fit over this one.

Not gonna lie I actually really liked the design of Zarkon’s armor-mech. Almost more than Voltron. Dem wings, man. Dem wings. Also, on that note, why the heck does he even need Voltron or the black lion when he’s got his own single-person mech that he can control without having to recruit four other people to work with him?

They basically confirmed false memories are entirely possible for Shiro since Hunk gives us a breakdown of how that arm actually works a little better. The Blade of Marmora may have been real but there is still so much fic potential here I’m foaming at the mouth over it.

CONS:

I’ve got a few cons, but well, let’s get the big one out of the way first. Galra Keith. (And since I know this can be a controversial topic and my feelings on this one are complicated, let me first preface this with an assurance that I have zero shade towards anyone who liked the Galra!Keith theory in S1 or likes the canonization of it in S2. This is just my opinion and in no way does it invalidate yours).

Okay, unpopular opinion time: I’ve never really been on board with the Galra!Keith theory (which I guess is no longer a theory, but yeah). I’ve never really made a big deal of it though because frankly it’s not my place to lecture others on what they want to like or not. I mean, hey, it’s fandom. Like what you like, just don’t cram it in my face. I was content to ignore Galra!Keith tags and go about my business. But the reason I was never really fond of the theory is I could never make it work, with the details presented in S1. And lord knows I tried, anyone who knows me at this point knows I love theorizing and analyzing this stuff. But it just felt so circumstantial. Most of the “evidence” people would point out in S1 could have supported a dozen different kinds of theories. The only real unexplained piece was Keith’s inexplicable draw to the Blue Lion at the beginning, but even then, I didn’t consider this an immediate indication of Galra blood per se. The show also has magic in it, after all; he could have also had some kind of sixth sense or other ability. It just wasn’t enough to go on. And above all I simply could not reconcile any kind of Galra presence on Earth when in S1 they were fully presented as devourers and conquerors. There was no way Zarkon could have known about Earth, especially if the Blue Lion was also on his radar, and not shown up to just take what he wanted and blast it out of orbit. Zarkon takes. He doesn’t have patience for stealth and subtlety when he owns half of the known universe, and I couldn’t see him having a single soldier on Earth without immediately taking advantage of it. Whether that was Keith, or some parent/ancestor of his, didn’t really matter. It just didn’t mesh with Zarkon.

S2 drops a few new details that flesh this out a little better. The existence of a stealth-oriented resistance certainly would justify how some Galra individuals could theoretically have been to Earth without immediately summoning a full fleet to blow it out of space. If they knew the Blue Lion was there they might even have a reason to target Earth specifically, if only to keep it hidden for as long as possible. I am mollified by this, at least, since it does provide some possible answers to the big plot hole issue I had with this theory. But I don’t know. Galra!Keith still feels too…contrived. Too convenient. It just doesn’t feel natural to me, in a series and plot that has otherwise put a lot of focus on naturally developing story as it goes. Each episode drops details that lead to the next episode, smoothly and subtly, but something about Galra Keith just feels very ham-handed. I’m having a little trouble coming to grips with it. Maybe they’ll drop more information in season 3 that will smooth this out more, but right now I’m just…really not a fan of this piece. On the plus side, while I am not really a fan of Keith having Galra heritage, I do kinda like that most people on the ship are just like ‘oh okay you’re part alien whatever.’ Like it isn’t drawn out into a huge drama spectacle. When it’s first officially revealed only Shiro is actually present and I half expected Keith to beg Shiro not to tell anyone because he’s scared of their reactions, just because they’d want to play up the reveal drama for a few episodes, but there wasn’t any. Everyone just knew. Learned off screen even, other than for Shiro, because there is no scene when Keith comes forward and says ‘hey so yeah, turns out I’m part Galra?’ to the team. And with the exception of Allura, nobody really reacted. Hell, there wasn’t a “reaction episode” like you would have expected with a theme like this. It almost felt underplayed. Or, treated as not-really-that-weird-a-thing, like in Keith and Hunk’s episode together, in which Hunk continually draws attention to the Galra heritage but not really in a hateful way. And I kind of liked that, because while Galra!Keith feels a little on the cliche side, at least that kind of response shook that up a little. And, not gonna lie, on a completely aesthetic reaction, I am just super fucking glad that Keith didn’t like…hulk out Galra style. I’m not a fan of Galra designs in general, I’m glad Keith didn’t just magically turn purple and all that. (Though this really does beg the question of how much his biology is affected by that Galra heritage. We know it’s affected his sixth sense at least somewhat since he appears able to sense and interact with all the Lions, and we know it lets him interact with Galra tech which is…weirdly convenient…but otherwise he looks perfectly human). Anyway. That’s my thoughts on Galra Keith, which was the biggest con for me. The rest are less controversial. OTHER CONS:

Pidge and Lance didn’t get to use their bayards to create new solo weaponry for Voltron. This makes me sad as I really wanted to see Voltron get a badass sniper rifle or a chain-whip thing like Zarkon had. I did like that everyone got to work together to make the super huge-ass sword, but I would’ve liked seeing some new weaponry too.

Thace. I just wasn’t feeling it with this guy. I know we’re supposed to feel sad when he dies, but honestly? They didn’t give us any chance to bond with this character or establish anything to really connect to him with. We see him resisting the Galra and tricking Haggar which is cool and all, but it just kinda felt like he was there. There was no emotion there, no connection. When he makes his heroic sacrifice I didn’t feel any kind of heartache because it was just like ‘oh...that NPC died. Eh, that sucks.’

We only got 1 Shiro flashback. Granted it was a big one, but like Shiro said, I still have so many fucking questions.

Hunk and Lance kinda got a little flanderized. I get that Hunk likes food, and I get that Lance is kind of the obnoxious-hormonal-teenager trope, but I think it got pushed a little too far in some scenes. They also got less development this season than the others, which wouldn’t really bother me as much if it had been fairly even across the board, except it wasn’t. Half the story was about Keith. Look, writers, I know we asked for more character development for Keith because he needed it pretty bad, but whipping it to the other extreme end of the spectrum wasn’t quite the solution?

The Red Lion’s abrupt change in attitude just seems…strange to me. I’m not sure how I feel about it. This is a Lion that you really have to work to get to like you and it’s ‘very unstable.’ It’s rather abrupt about face to the point when it just randomly keeps rescuing Keith was…well. The first time was awesome, but after a while it kinda felt overused. *flat sarcastic voice* “Oh boy. Keith is in trouble. I wonder how he’ll get out of this one.” On the other hand, I almost wonder if this is in part a reaction to Keith piloting the Black Lion, if only for a short while. I wonder if Red is trying to do the same thing right back—prove itself to its partner? I don’t know. I’m conflicted on this one. But to me it lacked subtlety in the same vein as Keith’s story.

That cliffhanger. Just. That cliffhanger.

RANDOM THOUGHTS, QUESTIONS, AND WISHLIST ITEMS

Okay. The final plan. Cool and all, but like...the fuck didn’t they just wormhole Zarkon’s ship into a sun or black hole? Like. C’mon. Even corrupted-Alfor-thoughts thought of that plan. They didn’t even have to re-imagine it. They had precedence. They were ultimately planning to destroy the ship anyway, and at the time they made their plan they hadn’t even considered trying to recover the black bayard, which were the only things they’d lose. They could have saved so much hassle. (The answer is of course that there wouldn’t be much of a show after that, but still).

As stated I’m not really a huge fan of Galra Keith but man, if I am being asked to accept this as canon, I fucking demand that he gets to dual-wield his Blade of Marmora with the Red Bayard. Because we already know he’s ambidextrous in with his sword. And that would be too fucking cool.

Okay so Matt’s not a prisoner anymore. He got rescued by rebels or something. Cool. Uh. Where’s the love for Sam Holt though? Where the fuck is Pidge’s dad? Please tell me somebody rescued him too? The man just wanted to find existence of life outside Earth he didn’t sign up to be a fucking war prisoner give the guy a break.

Also I kind of laughed when Shiro was all “hey Pidge don’t worry it’s okay Matt’s a survivor like you” because this is literally the same guy who was like “yeah Matt you gonna die unless I fight this guy for you since you have zero combat survival capability and both of us know you’ll be dead in like ten seconds.” And now he’s with rebels. Escaping. In a violent situation. I wonder how that’ll work.  

They were really pushing Multiverse theory in this season and I find that very intriguing. I wonder if anything will come of that.

Okay but the presence of a human-themed shop on a random space mall really both intrigues and puzzles me. ‘Cause this means there are regular visitors to Earth, or at least people know about it outside our solar system, when previously it sounded like we were in the space boonies and no one had ever heard of us (which is why it was a great place to hide a Lion). Earth obviously did not have robust inter-planetary trading since the Kerberos mission was all about discovering life outside Earth, and Lance thinks Pidge is crazy for believing in aliens waaaay back in S1Ep1. So. What gives? How?

The insane animation style change happened again for Shiro using his bayard and then everyone screaming. I guess they have a 1-pivotal-moment-per-season rule with that.

So we knew Altean Haggar was coming, that one just seemed kinda obvious. What I actually find more intriguing is that Haggar’s hair is white. Now granted we only have a few Alteans to work off of (Alfor, Allura, Coran, and now Haggar), but Coran has repeatedly implied Allura has extra abilities and has referred to her (or other Alteans who did the Balmera ceremony) as “sacred Alteans.” Presumably, this is something linked to the royal line, and so far every royal Altean we’ve seen has had white hair. I’m wondering if Haggar is a relative. Of course, this is all circumstantial evidence and pure conjecture. It’s also possible that hair color can be shapeshifted, or white hair isn’t associated with the royal line, or a dozen other things. I’m not holding my breath, but I am curious how Haggar fits into the planet destruction.

Overall I did like the theme they were going for this season, which is that your blood does not define you or decide what “side” you’re on. We had some good Galra (or just neutral ones, like the restaurant owner, or ones that just did not fit the ‘cull the weak, be the best warrior’ mentality we were largely led to believe the Galra were in S1). And we have Bad Alteans, although honestly I’m sure everyone saw that coming already.

I feel like there were a LOT of subtle nods to or jabs at the fandom in S2 too. Lots of theories came true of course, but there was also a lot of dialogue that seemed to deliberately poke fun at some theories or fan favorites. Sometimes it was funny and sometimes it felt kind of insulting or trollish. But this is hardly a surprise, I guess, considering how much they played with us right before S2 dropped.

ON WRITING:

So am I still planning on writing for Voltron? Well. I’d like to. I liked the majority of this season, it was fun, my heart was pounding through most of it, and it left my mind a screaming wreck by the end. It was intense. But it was mostly good. I enjoyed it. There are a few problems I need to figure out though.

Galra Keith is probably the biggest wrench in my fic-writing plans at the moment. I’m not…really sure how to process this. Characterization is the most important part to me when I write, and I always try to stay as true to the characters as possible based off the canon material we’re given. To me it is absolutely vital to do that character justice. I feel that is what a responsible writer should do. So even if I write stuff that isn’t centric to his heritage, or even to Keith, it’s now still a core part of his character that needs to be considered when determining his actions, thoughts, goals and motivations, especially considering some of his actions in S2 as a direct result of that. It’s something I need to keep in mind when I write him, but it’s also not really a theme I’m a fan of. I am certainly not petty enough to write it out of existence because I don’t like it—that’s not fair to the character either, and I detest that kind of blatant disregard for a character’s core traits, it’s not responsible writing. It’s leaving me a bit puzzled as to how to proceed. I’ll need some time to think on it. I need to figure out how to get on board with Galra!Keith in a way that still leaves me comfortable writing it.

(Plus, not gonna lie, it totally tanked an idea I had in mind where I was intending to use Keith as the main POV. Okay, I may be a tad bitter about that. I liked this idea. Oh well). That cliffie is another issue. At least we can work with the S1 cliffhanger. What do you do when a character has disappeared? Are we gonna have to establish they got him back every time? Or set it at an indeterminable point somewhere between all the action? Except there wasn’t really any point during which they slowed down. Just. Gonna need to think on that one. And as previously mentioned in this post, I’ve got a nasty case of the obsessive compulsive disorder, mixed with being an insane perfectionist, and it’s driving me bonkers now that some of my fics are canon inaccurate. I’ll get over it but man. It bothers the hell out of me.

ANYWAY. There’s my thoughts. In one long, super post. If you read through all that, congrats.