#fent is a fucking evil drug

[ang3lspi-t]

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[exjunkiebaby]

Drug dreams

I miss drugs so fucking much. I have 10 months clean and everybody thinks I’m doing amazing. I am, but I’m not. I constantly miss drugs. I miss being high. I miss chasing the dragon. I miss doing hot rails. I miss fentanyl, heroin, meth, Xanax. It pains my heart that I will never feel high again. At least I can get high in my dreams.

Yesterday I dreamt that I had 3 fake pressed oxies (the ones cut with fent). In my head, I knew it was an awful decision to relapse, but I didn’t care. I thought, “Just this one time.” So I found some foil, broke a pen and made it into a tooter, and held a lighter. I was about to flick it but I woke up. I was relieved but also angry that I wasn’t able to get high. In the dream I also thought, “I have no tolerance. This shit could kill me. Oh well.”

The drug dreams plague me almost every night. Sometimes crystal calls to me, sometimes benzos, and often fent. I hate them but I love them because it allows me to be reacquainted with an old lover. I’m doing so good with my sobriety, but I can’t help but grieve.

I recently made amends to my parents and my sister. I told them I was sorry for being a junkie piece of shit liar manipulator evil little demon. As a “sorry” to them I promised I would stay sober. I can’t break this promise. They all believe in me. I’m so close to one year - I can fucking taste it.

So I will stay sober, despite my woes, because the people who love me deserve a sober me. I refuse to hurt my loved ones over and over again. I’ve put so much effort and work into my sobriety and I can’t fail now. I think in the future I might pick up weed again, or shrooms, but we shall see.

If you’ve read this and you’re in recovery, wow. You are fucking amazing. If you’re still using, you’re cool too and I understand why. Giving up drugs is like losing your best friend. The solution to your problems is gone. The comfort and aid your soulmate once provided you has vanished. I don’t know how to deal with that feeling, but I vow not to pick up.

[codecicle]

i promise you that person on fent bent over + swaying in rags is having a worse couple hours than you've ever had in your entire life. i promise you that person begging for money on the subway is going throughs something 1000% worse than you having to avoid their eyes while going to a restaurant. i swear on my life that person talking to themselves in public isn't evil or the devil or going to kill you. i think you need to get the fuck over yourself and stop acting like you're suuuchhh an NYC native and being afraid of all drug-heavy areas and posting videos of people on the trains like "only in the city! lol!". i think you should learn how to either have some compassion or shut the fuck up

i don't care if you live in new york city get normal about drug addicts sometime soon or jump in front of the trains