#feminine and its like idk if its my insecurity for being autistic or my actually gender thats making me feel this way

[oh-okay-kay]

i think i scroll thru the she/he, he/she, she/him, he/her, etc etc tags a suspicious amount..

[jackass-jones]

Here’s some Shinji hcs I have made that I wanna share:

Shinjiro doesn’t know Jack shit about technology. Put him in front of a computer and turn your head for one second and the things making some cursed dial up sounds and definitely broken. He’d probably call remotes clickers. He just can’t keep up with these new fangled devices!

Hes autistic because get real like I’m gonna let him escape my grasp without making him autistic. But in particular hes the bad at eye contact kinda autistic, he’s often looking at his shoes when walking, off to the side when he’s being edgy, and in an upper corner when he’s nervous. And socially he is very much a cat he doesn’t wanna talk too much but he will just sit in the corner of the room while everyone else is talking. Hed definitely mask a lot and repress a lot of stims but one that always comes out is nail biting, he’s a big nail biter

Shinjiro just seems like he’d like to read and in particular hed read jane austin and he’d absolutely freak out if anyone found out lol. Like he hates school, it’s never clicked for him, but when he’s on his own I think he’d enjoy reading to pass time and idk he just gives strong jane austin energy

He sews he knows his fucking way with the needle your honor

Shinjiro was always secretly really jealous of Mitsuru cuz she has a motorcycle and he thinks it’s the coolest thing ever but he was always too afraid to ask if he could ride it. He will one day though don’t worry!

I really like nonbinary Shinji like he’s kinda insecure about his more feminine interests but the sees gang is pretty supportive so he eventually gets comfortable enough and he may wear nail polish or long skirts. He’s also definitely the type to have always been really defensive over his long hair like as a kid whenever his hair was cut he’d just be really upset over it and whenever someone comments on his hair being too long Akihiko is like ��. And in general I think Shinji just doesn’t feel connected to gender hes just like get this thing away from me lol

If he doesn’t become a cook I like to imagine him becoming a vet

He has a really hard time saying no to the sees gang like if he’s one on one he can with great strength but if more than one of them are in the room absolutely not they all give the biggest puppy dog eyes and he thinks they’re adorable it creates lots of highjinks

When Ken talks about his favorite superheros and mangas Shinji tries to be supportive but he literally has no clue what this kid is talking about

Throwing in some akishinji teehee they both wanna be the strongest one in the relationship it creates lots of petty arguments but Akihiko definitely would pick up Shinji super dramatically bridal style and Shinji would hate it but secretly like it at the same time. He wants to be the strong one he wants to be the one to take care of Aki but also Aki is so strong 🫣

Throwing in some shinjifuuka too Shinji thinks Fuuka is the cutest person he’s ever met he just wants to scream but he can’t do that he can’t emote so he just sits there silently dying inside while Fuuka meows at the wall. I also think when he was on the streets and heard those people bragging about bullying Fuuka he kicked ass about it cuz yo fuck those people man they suck and Shinji wouldn’t put up with that, especially not once he actually meets Fuuka. Like I don’t think he’d try to pick fights as much after the coma and I don’t think he would if he was with Fuuka cuz she wouldn’t want him to fight people but before that yeah he’d definitely be pretty pissed. Also I think Fuuka is a knitter and Shinji is a sewer so they bond over that and make clothes for each other Fuuka makes Shinji a cutesy frog beanie and he’s like tch whatever 🥺 but definitely wears it and he’s really embarrassed its cute

[bongwooder]

idk I guess I could make an official post about it since I've been basically regressing to 12 year old me anyways and she LOVED to overshare on this godforsaken website

click more for ramblings if ur curious! definitely interested in hearing others perspectives since I am very socially isolated rn compared to most people I guess

ever since my ADHD diagnosis and possible autism diagnosis I've just been thinking a LOT about my life including my gender and sexuality. like, ever since my parent's divorce in 2022 I've been unravelling a lot of trauma I didn't even know I had, including how my roommate has helped me realize truly how emotionally neglected I was a child. it is NOT normal for a child to be online essentially 24/7 from ages 8-18. I think I really did some serious damage because my parents were too fucked to bother to check on me and make sure I like... went outside. had friends. showered. basic hygiene etc etc etc and of course I didn't know any better because uuuhhh children need to be TAUGHT things not just yelled at to do it or made fun of for their unknown disability. and I've been going through points of time where I'm MAD. like, PISSED. that my parents let me do that to myself. a little insecure neurodivergent girl searching, yearning, begging for ANYTHING to explain her inability to cope with reality and sensory overload, to socialize and make friends at school, to feel like her life had meaning and that what was not known at the time to be symptoms of her disability weren't just personal failures

so, of course, I feel like the moment I realized I may have a group that would actually accept me as I was, I latched onto it. and that was my beginning identifying as transgender. I've said this before to irl friends, but my thoughts at the time were "well I'm a completely well adjusted intelligent person [child], but I can't seem to get along with my female peers, so I must be a male actually!" but then like... idk why I always failed to realize the boys didn't like me either?? so it's not "girls don't like me because I'm too masculine and boys don't like me because I'm too feminine" it was actually just "no one likes me because I'm autistic"

and it's strange because I feel like the physical dysphoria felt VERY real, hating my chest and my genitals, but also like... I went through puberty kinda early and also bc I was fat I "had" to wear a bra VERY early. so I think I was resenting the sexualization of my body and coping with the fact that boys paid me 0 mind in any sort of dating context when that became relevant. So I think my dysphoria was actually more like dysmorphia?

and I think I only ever "hated pink and girly things" because I so desperately wanted attention from ANYONE, for SOMEONE to ask me what's wrong or why I thought that way, for someone to tell me it's okay to be a girl even though I'm fat and autistic. and it just never happened. and I grieve for that little girl who never felt like she could express herself in fear of what people would think bc she truly had no positive adult figures in her life. and I can't help but feel deep anger for the teachers around me who didn't realize just how deep the damage was, or if they did and told my parents and THEY chose to do nothing, I feel deep anger with them.

I thought maybe if I could just be a boy I didn't have to worry that much about being attractive to boys or being skinny or being pretty. then I could just be myself! and I think that did serve a purpose for its time.

I don't regret identifying as trans or any social transitioning I have already done. I love being Ollie, although I do wonder if another name may suit me better in these times. I know I'll always have an unconventional self expression but I just wonder what it would be like to be an independent adult woman because I've never been that, and I've never had adult women friends that have reached a level of platonic intimacy with me where I can discuss this and explore it with someone who has always lived as a woman! i yearn to decorate my body and dress myself in ways that reveal the the body I am proud to have carry me day by day no matter how large. I yearn to sink into softness and receive love, I don't want to fight for reciprocation. I don't want to be codependent but I just want to feel taken care of for once in my life instead of feeling like I'm crawling and clawing my way through life not knowing where the hell I'm going. I don't even know what womanhood/femininity MEANS but I want to try it! I think I'd enjoy it! do I have permission to try it? am I allowed to enjoy it? I hate that I need to be "brave" and "resilient" just to exist in my fucking body and brain. I resent the poisoned masses for resenting me but I know I know kindness and i know I am beautiful and I know I can provide happiness for others, I'm just also ready to be provided for too from a woman just as strong and beautiful and intelligent and kind and funny

I think I skated my point a little bit but even after saying all this, I don't know if I'll ever feel "cis." i think my life played out how it needed to for me to get here and now. my biggest fear is "coming out as cis" and having everyone who ever doubted my transness or invalidated me (including my own family) tell me "I told you it was a phase" because YEAH, MAYBE IT WAS. but at least I've been actively trying to listen to my body and brain to build the life I think will make me happiest in the context of my consciousness. and I just want to surround myself with people who trust me and know I'm smart and know this is something I think about deeply before projecting

all this to say I have a lot of work to do, and I'm excited to do it, cis or trans