#felt myself shifting into :3 mode as i was drawing this

[n0ahsferatu]

just met Tara for the first time in my game! i love her a lot :)

(credit to @friendamedes for the headcanon about Gale wearing glasses when he was a kid!!)

[leviackermanscleaningbuddy]

I thought of this while falling asleep, so stick with me.

I have a very specific image in my head of jisung/chan/noona laying in bed all day and struggling with their mental health, like depresh sesh fr. And then seungmin sees it after he went to school and came back and they were in the same position. (Especially chan, bc we know he has experienced depression irl). So seungmin texts the pack and everyone goes into help the sad mode. Felix makes baked goods and lays with them, Minho makes dinner and makes sure they drink water (he knows when he doesn't need to be a snarky baby, so he lets them live), hyunjin helps with self care and gets them to shower, changbin talks to them and tries to get to the root of the issue, jeongin tries to get them to play games with him or just cuddles up to them and holds them tight like Felix. (Babies) at the end of the night, everyone is piled up in someone's bed watching a kdrama.

Also, ig i could ask the pack this too. If someone is being seriously depressed, how does everyone help? Who usually has the worst of it, if you wanna answer?

(This is so sweet. Thank you for sharing. Because as someone who struggles with mental health (as most of us do!) this was so comforting to read and imagine and take into consideration. <3)

Triggers (only discussed, nothing specific but please take care of yourself): Self Harm, Depression, Anxiety, Mental Illness, Suicide

********************************************************************************

"This is a serious ask." Changbin remarks somberly, lips drawing into a thin, pressed line.

"It is," Chan agrees, nodding. "But it's also incredibly important to talk about. But first-" He gives a soft little smile. "I wanna give all of you guys a big hug and tell you you're doing your absolute best-no matter where you are on your journey-that we're proud of you, and we love you."

He settles back into his seat, folding his hands into his lap, glancing around at the other members of the pack.

"Is there anyone who feels comfortable discussing this? Or would you like me to go first?"

You glance to him. "I think we've all talked about this amongst each other before, but I don't know if we've ever really talked about it outside of the pack. So maybe it's best you go first, Channie."

He nods once and lets out a long breath between his lips. "Okay. Well, I've had a long, hard road of mental health struggles, it's not a secret I don't believe." He pauses for a moment, gathering his words, and then continues. "I've always had bouts of depression, but it got a lot worse when I moved from Australia to Korea to study."

"I was alone, I didn't know anyone, I was just a kid. I felt like no one cared, like I was adrift without anyone or anything to support me. I turned to school and music and producing to try and fill the void, but the weight of the darkness was increasing, and none of those things felt like enough."

You reach out silently and cover his hand with your own. He gives you a slight smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes, and squeezes your fingers between his own gratefully.

"It got so bad, eventually I never left the studio-I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't take care of myself. At my lowest, I seriously considered just being done with it all. No one would miss me anyway. At least that's what I'd convinced myself-and the depression agreed."

He blows another long sigh out through his teeth, and the pain in his dark eyes is heartbreaking.

"But-" He shifts, sitting up straighter and shaking off some of the heaviness, glancing to Changbin now. "-Then some asshole convinced me to partner up with him for a semester project."

Changbin shrugs and gives a rueful half grin in response. "What can I say? I wanted the best."

Chan gives a little chuckle, shaking his head slightly at the other alpha's teasing. "The depression didn't go away. The weight didn't just disappear over night. But over time, I realized that maybe I did have something, was really someone, that people would miss. At least, certain people that mattered."

He glances around at all of you now, affection flashing across his features, and he gives your hand another squeeze.

"It's still hard some days. I still get too in my head, the darkness never really disappears, it just takes the back seat for awhile, but I've learned how to cope with it better, to turn to people I trust for help, instead of withdrawing and being alone and letting it consume me."

"We're proud of you, Christopher." Minho states plainly, and you can see how much the words mean to Chan as they settle like a blanket around his shoulders.

"Anyway-" Chan gives a little laugh, the tips of his ears going red, as he shifts and rakes a hand through his curls. "Enough about me, someone else go."

"No, but wait-" You stop him, and he glances at you curiously. "-I think it's important to talk about and realize the triggers, the tells, of someone you know and love when it comes to mental health. Because sometimes, when they feel the darkness creeping back in, they can't vocally express that need for help."

Chan nods thoughtfully. "Very true."

"Hyung has very specific tells." Changbin adds, studying Chan. "He starts to withdraw, he spends a hell of a lot more time alone-in the studio, his room, etc.-which leads to him not taking care of himself. He gets quiet, like he's in his head and not with us, and I think everyone's gotten to the point where they can tell 'regular Chan quiet' from 'overthinking, sinking Chan quiet.'"

Chan is nodding again, shooting the other alpha a wordless, grateful look.

"Jisung and I both struggle incredibly with anxiety and panic attacks." You bring up next, looking to the beta, who is nodding beside Changbin. "Although, just because we have the same diagnosis, it doesn't mean our triggers or even our symptoms are the same."

"Yeah-" Jisung agrees, jumping in. "It's important to note that you can struggle from the same mental issues as someone else, and still realize that that doesn't mean you know anything about what the other person is going through. A similar diagnosis can look completely different for someone else."

"In my case, my anxiety revolves around uncertainty and the 'what ifs', and certain scenarios are really triggering for me." You continue, giving Jisung a breather before you give him the option to express his feelings. "If someone is later than normal getting home from school or work, I panic, coming up with all the worst case scenarios in my head until I can't breathe."

"Communication is absolutely key for you and the type of anxiety you struggle with." Chan agrees, nodding.

"Yeah, we've implemented check ins or communication methods when someone is going to be late or somewhere unexpected." You nod, giving Chan a little half smile. "It's really helped, and I really appreciate you guys doing that for me, even if it feels silly."

"Hey, Hyunjin-hyung never has to check in." Jeongin suddenly complains, as if he's only now just realized.

You grin. "Hyunjin is always late, so I've just come to expect it."

Hyunjin smirks like a cat, all sharp teeth and feline eyes. "You know me so well, baby."

Jisung takes in a deep breath, and you take that as his silent signal that he's ready to discuss his own struggles now.

You glance to him, and give him a little encouraging nod.

"On the other hand, I have a hard time with anxiety and panic attacks in social situations, or when dealing with crowds. I don't like to be around a lot of people that I don't know."

Changbin reaches over and stops the beta's nervous twisting of his hands in his lap, giving him a little warm smile.

Jisung steels himself with the alpha's encouragement and goes on. "I don't like feeling like people are counting on me, or expecting something from me that I can't give. In social situations, there's too many variables and too many unknowns, and I feel like I'm guaranteed to fail no matter what I do."

"The buddy system is a great way to help Sungie when he's feeling anxious." Felix interjects, giving the beta a dazzling smile. "We always stick around him in social situations or gatherings, just so he has someone he knows well to joke with or talk to."

"Yeah." Jisung lets out the breath he'd been holding, seem to relax a little. "That helps a lot."

"And Minho-hyung and noona are great at talking him down when he's in the full throes of an actual panic attack." Seungmin adds, throwing an arm around the other beta's shoulders in a silent show of support. "They let him breathe and take his time, and then convince him his feelings are valid and okay, and that he's safe."

Jisung nods again wordlessly, and you see Changbin squeeze his hands.

"As far as everyone helping out-" Felix looks thoughtful now, his brow creased. "-I feel like we all suffer from certain levels of mental issues, and that's to be expected, and everyone kind of just knows how to help in the right way depending on what pack member is feeling down."

"You were absolutely spot on with your scenario of what Channie likes though." You laugh, referencing the previous thoughts. "He needs people to pull him out of his head, help him take care of himself, and mainly snuggle and be there for him. He likes the entire pack to pull around him when he's in a rut."

"Minho-hyung on the other hand-" Changbin speaks up, giving the elder a pointed look. "-he'll bite your head off the first day. He likes his space until he's come down a little, and even then, he wants one or two specific people to just exist with him for awhile."

"And who are those one or two people?" You ask, already knowing the answer, laughing a little.

Minho rolls his eyes as Changbin answers without hesitation, "Chan and Felix of course."

"Ah, Aussie line!" Chan crows triumphantly, and Felix grins at him from across the room as Minho looks annoyed at having been called out.

"Anyway, as we said-" You continue, threading your fingers through Chan's. "-this is a super important topic to talk and be open about, and please, if you ever feel like you need someone to talk to or confide in, find someone you trust-a therapist, a friend, a sibling, a parent-"

"A stranger on the internet." Jisung adds cheekily, grinning.

You laugh. "-a stranger on the internet. Just know you don't have to struggle alone, and that there are always people who will be there for you, even if the darkness makes you doubt that."

"We love you guys." Chan adds seriously, nodding. "And I think I've said it all at this point, so let's end with another big hug."

[jonathankatwhatever]

I’m not sure what I’m doing. I have 2 or maybe 3 notes I’ve held back. I’ve had 3 reasons occur to me. One is that I felt I was working on something but I wasn’t sure what it was. Another is that I could see that it’s large, like really large. And the most recent is a bout of maybe I should just quit. As usual, it is motivated by concern that I’m an idiot about you. My typical response is that believing in you is literally integral to advancing this work, and that more belief - you should see the weird connections I’m drawing at this moment, a series of reflections in which what I imagine about you in Storyline becomes dramatically more real. That’s a fourth reason: I couldn’t get into Storyline. Like not at all. And I wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad Thing because I’ve been feeling more and more left-sided, more shifted in more dimensions over the dividing 1-0Segment.

How does that work? Over the dividing segment, which is orthogonal, which is - witches - where insertion occurs, where penetration occurs, which explains a lot about Storyline and about how lines are drawn.

I had a name for that kind of thought which grabs you but which makes no sense when you step back. It’s when you’re the actor versus observer: as actor, you hear or see or otherwise experience and that can be in thought form, which is often in my experience a combination of all those modes of perception composited so I sometimes hear words exactly as I type them, while at other times I’m ‘hearing’ something that must also be images because they can’t be described in linear form. They can create a picture but this other is a picture because it conveys the depth of a grid box to a grid square.

That is the importance of the base conception front&back, another notation I’ve had trouble accepting. I use it plenty because it is so basic: front&back forms a grid box because there are now 3 pairs, with 2 of those connecting the f&b. To visualize, imagine two squares like pieces of paper on top of each other, then imagine the space between the square pieces of paper is also square pieces of paper, and then you see that you’ve introduced 2 new pairs.

It may sound silly but this is why the root2 appears in quantum calculations; the projection into a gs means the potential within the grid box projects. So that root2 embodies the potential across the box, nicely idealized. That’s actually pretty cool when I think about it. I keep under-estimating what I’m doing because I do it so much now. Used to take months of effort to wring some truth out of ideas like logarithms. I couldn’t accept it was actually counting 1+1 in a specific manner, which was the first idea that came to me many years ago. How could I? I knew the answer but not why it was the answer.

This may actually be getting good enough to post.

I said to myself I’m ready when I can explain this clearly. Here’s one: I was working out Regularization of bT, with the fundamental concept that each 1-0Segment of the bT represents one of these pairs of dimensions in a grid box. I got stuck at the next point, which appears to be that each gs forms as D6 drops to D4, meaning a pair is ‘lost’ through Regularization. That visualizes as 4 distorted bT, and the next step is each side becomes 1 to the other side’s 2. I can now see how this works with 5: one side of 3 becomes 2, and that Regularizes.

How then does this work? Regularization works because we see what makes it through, meaning this gsProcess constructs and also acts as a sieve to remove what doesn’t make it through. I’ve never been able to state that so clearly. It’s important to grasp how the Sticks work.

This is a perfect example of my life experiences. I first met the Sticks in Storyline which developed when I was reading science fiction in my early teens. I met with them. They would communicate to me what was unique about each instance we were investigating so we could understand the contamination process, the gsProcess which generates from within in the negative where the negative reactions, defensive reactions, predator and prey reactions, negative implications of offensive reactions, etc. are deemed positive, meaning they emerge into the ++ quadrant though they are not responsive to higher dimensions.

I sort of hate to say this but it’s a lot like lefties, which I also worked on, because handedness is a flow effect where the flow is across the intangible, which then manifests into the tangible. You can see how other-handedness generates: it can be local, like eddies, or it can be having characteristics which work well enough with and against the flow. That idea has a lot of applications. Amazing what happens when you see intangible relationships.

I’m starting to see the abc and a bunch of others as clear implications of gsProcess. What does it mean that there’s a finite number of triples which are coprime and where C>rad(abc)^n+Epsilon?

I’m very tired. I’ll post this now and the other parts tomorrow if I make more progress.

[blue-labcoat]

10. I just need the pressure

summary: spencer helps reader through an anxiety attack in the middle of the night

genre: angst, fluff, 1.0k

warnings: anxiety attack stuff, mentions of death and autopsy

series masterlist here

a/n: I don't know how I feel about this one. It's okay.

I couldn’t fall asleep. I was at Spencer’s, and he was fast asleep beside me and had been for hours. I checked my watch for what felt like the millionth time. It was 3:15 am.

At first, I hadn’t been able to fall asleep just because. But the longer it was taking me to fall asleep, the more I began to overthink.

What if next week’s trial doesn’t get a conviction?

What if I missed something on that little girl’s autopsy? What if her parents never know the truth?

What if I forgot to submit the paperwork on my last case?

What if I screwed up the PCR on that DNA sample last week, and that’s why there wasn’t a match?

What if Hotch finds out Spencer and I are dating and doesn’t let me work with the BAU anymore?

What if Spencer gets shot? What if he dies?

I could feel myself spiraling, but I was stuck. My heart began to race, and my chest tightened. I started drawing in air faster and faster, trying to take a deep enough breath to calm myself down, but I couldn’t breathe.

Sobs began to wrack my body as I gasped for air.

“y/n? What’s wrong?” I heard Spencer asking, but he sounded far away.

“I can’t – I can’t breathe,” I gasped out.

“Okay, you’re having an anxiety attack. You’re going to be fine, look at me. y/n, look at me.” He grabbed my hand and brought it up to his chest. “Can you feel my chest? We’re going to take deep breaths together, okay? Breathe in with me, and out. Big breath in, let it out.”

After a few minutes, my breathing was still shuddery, but it was slower.

“What can I do for you, baby?” Spencer asked, sitting up next to me. “I know you usually like your weighted blanket, but it’s back at your place. Is there something else I can do?”

“I just need the pressure,” I explained desperately. “Could you, just… lay on me?

“Lay on you?” He sounded doubtful. “I suppose that could help. The pressure of weighted blankets is soothing because it puts your autonomic nervous system into a ‘rest’ mode. I’m a little heavier than a weighted blanket, though.”

“Can we just try it? Please?”

Spencer rolled over on top of me. He splayed his arms and legs out, but his torso was lined up with mine, and his head was tucked in the crook of my neck.

“Is that helping?” He asked after a few minutes. I nodded. “I just- I don’t think I can sleep like this. Did you want me to drive you home so you can lay under your blanket? I’m sorry, I would stay like this if I could.”

“No, it’s okay. I feel a little bit better now. Can you just – when I was a teenager and I got anxiety attacks, my mom used to come sleep with me and she would put my head against her heart so I could hear her heartbeat, and she would rub my head. Could you… Could we lay like that?”

“Of course, come here,” he said, rolling off me. I snuggled up against him, tucking myself into his chest with my head resting over his heart.

“Did you want to talk about it? Why you’re feeling anxious, I mean?”

“Maybe in the morning,” I said. Every so often, I still took in a shaky breath, but I managed to finally fall asleep to the gentle thudding of Spencer’s heartbeat.

The next morning, I woke up in the same position I'd fallen asleep in. Spencer was still sleeping. I shifted slightly so that I could look up at his face.

His pink lips were parted slightly, and I couldn’t help but notice how peaceful he looked. I laid like that for a moment, until I heard him mutter something without opening his eyes.

“Are you watching me sleep?”

I chuckled against his chest. “I can’t help it. You’re just so pretty.” I sat up and pressed a quick kiss on his nose. He opened his eyes to look up at me.

“Are you feeling a little bit better now? Were you able to fall asleep?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry you had to see me like that. My anxiety’s been better in the last few years. At least, better than it was in med school and the first few years of residency.”

“y/n, look at me,” he said, peering up at me. “You don’t need to apologize for having an anxiety attack. You know that, right? It’s not something you can help, but more importantly, it’s not something to be ashamed about. You’ve been there for me more times than I can count after a hard case, I’m just glad that I can help you when you’re feeling like this. And, you can talk to me about what’s making you feel anxious, too, you know that?”

I nodded. “I know, Spence. It’s – the things that make me anxious in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep, they usually just seem silly and insignificant when I wake up the next morning. I just get in my head, and I can’t help overthinking every little thing.”

“I get that. I know what it’s like to be stuck in your own head. But the things that make you anxious, they’re valid. Even if they seem silly when you wake up. Everyone experiences stress differently, you know that. I just want to make sure that you know how you can deal with it, so you don’t just bottle it up inside you. You can talk to me.”

“I know. Thank you, Spencer. For being here for me. For knowing what to do, and what to say, and just being you.” I leaned over him to give him a hug. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Previous -- Next

[morimakesfanart]

Sindria's Prophet #08

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [AO3]

** TW/suicide of family member implied (it is marked ahead with ((text)) so you know what to skip) ~POV shift Mori~ In my old life I had spent 4 or so years as a historical reenactor for the mid 1700's through early 1800's on my weekends. My group mainly acted as pirates/privateers and sang sea shanties. We had done performances on different ships, but every time we were invited onto a period ship I couldn't make it, so I was geeking out when I saw the ship we'd be taking to Sindria. I prayed it didn't show on my face. Sure it was exciting for an other world's nerd like me to get to see a ship like this in use, but to everyone else it was a normal ship. The ship had two masts -both square rigged with a fore and aft sail at the back for better steering. Considering the reputation for the waters around Sindria I expected a bigger three mast ship for strength, but who was I to judge?

With only two masts, this ship probably only needed a crew of about nine people to allow for different shifts. It didn't look like it had room for many passengers. No doubt, Sinbad didn't expect to be bringing four extra people back with him. I was in full on research mode by the time I got on the ship, and I tired my best to not stand out or get in the way. Getting to look up at the rigging from on the deck was an experience. After everyone was settled I'd definitely make a point to look around more. I might even take one of the scrolls out and try drawing the deck of the ship since I never got around to drawing that gorgeous room in the hotel. I considered myself lucky that no one tried to talk to me until the rooms were being divided out -I had been hyperfixating so I might not have even noticed if they did.

Studying the ship could only boost me for so long. About 15 minutes before we left the port I could no longer ignore that my head was throbbing from exhaustion. This headache was undeniably becoming a migraine if it wasn't one already. I decided that sleep was the next thing on my agenda. Luckily, I made that decision around the same time the rooms were being divided out. I had figured I'd end up in the same room as Alibaba, Aladdin and Morgiana, but Alibaba was put in the same room as Ja'far and Masrur. Everyone put their bags down, and headed back on deck except me. I sat on my bed with my head in my hands as I started to let myself fully calm down. In the quiet it hit me just how much I had been using working on the scrolls as a way to avoid thinking about my guilt and lost home. I'd have to find time when no one else was in the room to work through these feelings. There was no way I could keep it bottled up until we reached Sindria. "Excuse me, Miss Mori?" Aladdin had re-entered the room and closed the door. We might not have been formally introduced but he was told who I was. "What is it?" I lifted my head to look at him, and tried to keep my expression positive. I felt the waves rising. A Magi was talking to a Prophet in private; something was bound to happen. The walls of the ship creaked, and I heard steps and the floor boards creak in the hallway. The wave got a little bigger. Silence hung in the air as the boy just stood there. Instead of trying to guess what he wanted I waited. His hands tightened around his staff. Aladdin looked nervous as he confronted me. "I know you say you've read Fate, but I don't think Fate is something written in stone. It's something that everyone makes together. It can always change." The hallway floor creaked behind the Magi again. The wave was getting bigger. Someone was definitely listening in, and there was only one King that was a chronic eavesdropper.

"I agree," I said bluntly. I wanted Sinbad to hear my answer. Ten years ago, he came to the conclusion that Fate was something already written as a way to cope with his guilt and trauma, and he thought he was 'the chosen one' for being able to read ahead through the waves, but he was wrong on both accounts. "You do?” Aladdin was surprised. It must sound weird coming from someone who read Fate. "I've read more than one Fate for this world, so I know there is no one true path." The manga, anime and OVAs were a little different after all. "And if Fate couldn't be changed then I couldn't be here." I turned so I was sitting facing him. "You see, I wasn't in any of the Fate I read. I wasn't even in this world until five days ago." The magi took a few steps towards me with wide eyes. Aladdin had felt very alone for not being from this world -now he would know he wasn't the only one. It wasn't a reveal that caused problems on its own when Aladdin explained in the original so I didn't see an issue in letting Sinbad overhear about me either- I had already implied as much the previous day. I felt the need to elaborated. "Everything I do changes the Fate I read because I wasn't here. For example, only one of the Fates I read showed the conversation where you all found out about the Kou Fleet. Remember how I yelled at Alibaba? If I didn't convince him to leave then King Sinbad would have knocked him out, and Alibaba would be kept asleep with medicine for this whole trip. Since I was there this time, I was able to change that." "Oh!" He brightened up a bit. "I much prefer things this way." "I agree. Like this it will be much easier for him to heal." I looked down at my intertwined hands. "I have no idea how this will change the Fate I read though." Aladdin hummed a question mark, but he didn't say or ask anything directly. I answered the obvious question to my words, "I can't read a Fate that I'm a part of, so now that I'm here I can't read how my actions are changing Fate. Eventually, the Fate I did read will become useless, and I have no idea if I'm changing it for the better." It was only as I said it that I remembered that Sinbad was listening. I had basically just told him that my usefulness as his Prophet would have a definite expiration date. All I had wanted was to let Aladdin know that he might not be able to rely on me for everything. I definitely wasn't thinking clearly. Aladdin cut into my thoughts. "Is that why the Rukh are so active around you? Because you weren't originally a part of the Flow of Fate?" "Probably." I didn't know what else to say. I knew I had to be making distinctive waves in the Rukh just by being here, let alone with all of my changes. "Miss Mori, where are you from?" I hummed in amusement at that. "I'm from much farther away than you or your parents-if you can believe it." I was from the same world as the person who wrote the original Fate of this world. There was no way I could tell anyone that. He was shocked again. It was written all over his face that he was questioning if I was really from a dimension farther away than Alma Torran. Aladdin gripped the flute that he always wore. "Then... Are you the person he didn't recognize?" "He?" Which 'he' -oh. I lowered my voice. "Ugo?" I put one finger over my lips and looked at the door. Sinbad has to remain ignorant about the Sacred Palace; he's too self-absorbed. Aladdin looked confused at my change in volume. He followed my gaze to the door and back then nodded. He didn't look all that surprised that I knew about Ugo. I kept my voice low. "Aladdin, let's talk more about this some other time. The walls have ears on such a small ship. And I'm exhausted." "Okay. Rest well, Miss Mori." Aladdin spoke at normal volume. I heard a scramble in the hallway, the magi left, and I put my glasses in the top of my bag for safe keeping. I could hear Aladdin through the wall. "Oh! Mr. Sinbad, Mr. Ja'far, did you want to check on Miss Mori too?” "Uh, yes. How is she doing?” Was King Sinbad's response. I could hear the nerves he was trying to

cover up. "Real smooth there, Sin." I mumbled as I finally drifted into unconsciousness. --- I was a young man of 20 some years. I had started a family. We didn't have enough money for food. I ended up taking a risky job because I knew it would pay better. ... No. I'm a six year old girl? I don't remember if I had parents, but I remember going to visit this old dog every day. ... If life was hard, and I had nothing to loose then there was no reason not to bet everything I had on one last round. How could I return to my family without money? The last time I saw my son he was three. Would he even remember me? ... Ya know, when you grow up with someone and everyone else can see your chemistry you'd think it would be obvious that we'd marry when we grew up, but she met someone else. ... I knew things were bad, but I never even considered that my neighbor was stealing from me when I was at work. Bastard stabbed me with my own kitchen knife when I caught him. --- I wasn't myself in my dreams. Every time I woke I had to ground myself and remember where and when I was. Rereading the scrolls I had made helped. Just how many Rukh had merged with me, and why? I had no connections to any of those spirits while they were alive. Was it just because ghosts like me? I wrote down every dream I had; their lives might have been over, but they were a part of me now. I was too exhausted to go on deck, and I could feel that there were still more lives inside of me that I had to get aquatinted with. When I wasn't sleeping, I was working on scrolls again since I at least had enough energy to write and draw. My breathing was getting difficult, and I was struggling with temperature regulation. I wasn't okay enough to tell if it was my body struggling with the changes in my magoi, like when Sinbad took in all the Rukh after the Fall of First Sindria, or if I was just sick. After making sure I could still use magoi manipulation I decided that it was probably the later. I mainly left that room for food, and I waited until almost everyone was done before going. I avoided talking to others too. If I was sick I needed to minimize my contact with others. Alibaba seemed to be in a similar state to me. We both found that staying near each other when around the others made them less likely to approach us with the depressing cloud that hung over us.

Those that did see me could obviously tell I was unwell. From their words it seemed like they were assuming I was just mourning -they were only half wrong. It gave me an easy excuse to leave, so I never corrected them. I did feel bad for worrying everyone. The whole situation sucked. I wanted to cry. I had been in lock down back home because of Covid-19 for 8 months as an at risk person (it's still Oct 2020 in this story). I was literally in a fantasy anime world now. I wasn't given a better immune system, but my boobs didn't need a bra anymore??? WTF?? If the current arbiter of Fate was me writing fanfiction, then they had a lot of explaining to do. ... Who was I kidding? I knew why I would write something like this. I wanted to see more stories about people like me -someone with my disabilities and life experiences- get to be someone "valued" even if they couldn't be on the front lines. My migraine wouldn't go away, and it wasn't the only part of me in pain. I think I got palpitations a few times -breathing was even worse during those episodes. If I hadn't had health problems growing up I probably would have been panicking. I knew it was stupid to not tell anyone what was going on with me. But would anyone even be able help me on a ship? Telling them would just make them worry more than they already were. Aladdin and Morgiana could tell something more was wrong with me; I couldn't fully hide from them while sleeping in the same room. They must have let the others know since they gave me some pain killers at some point. It tasted awful. I'm honestly not sure how affective it was, but it did knock me out. ((Skip to the next paragraph to avoid the trigger)) At least I was left alone most of the time. I had no choice but to sit with my thoughts about Balbadd. I grew up mourning. The blood on my hands might not be the same as losing most of my loved ones back home, but it was damn similar to when I was in high school thinking "if only one of us had answered the phone that day." The Balbadd revolt would have been much worse if I wasn't there. And even if I had said something sooner there was little that could be done to actually stop Al Thamen when they had their hands so deep in that country. Even with Sinbad there to sway Fate, Al Thamen would still find a way to spill blood. Even if I told Alibaba days in advance and he tried to talk to Cassim about it, Cassim wanted nothing to do with Sinbad, so any help that came from him would be refused. Cassim was twisted around Issnan's fingers and out for blood. I did the best I could. My actions did save some people. I'd have to take solace in that. --- I woke up to something wrapped around me, almost like I was tied down. I couldn't move my legs. I gave up trying to untangle my skirt and covers from me, and just pulled the skirt out from under the cloth belt -kicking the whole mass off like a cocoon. I had put my underwear on underneath and I still had the tunic on so I wasn't left totally uncovered. Star light shown in from the window. I had slept through another day. I couldn't remember my dream. Maybe I had finally returned to having my own dreams. The other beds in the room were occupied. My head was still swimming. I felt trapped. I needed something. I heard the waves outside, and felt the waves of Fate washing over me. Their sounds called to me. Back home I had used the sounds of waves to meditate and stim regularly. I had been hearing them all this time, but I wanted to see them. I didn't bother to slip on my flip-flops as I made my way to the door, didn't even think about grabbing my glasses until I was already on deck. It had been so dark below that I couldn't see anyway, and didn't realize I wasn't wearing them. The wave of Fate I had been following lead me farther into the space. When I hit it's end, the adrenaline that had got me that far died out. The night air hit my legs and I shivered. It was colder than it was at night in Balbadd. I thought we were heading south. Did I still have a fever? The cold reminded me that I really should have put on

my shorts or something before coming out here. The tunic just barely covered me. My vision was going grey scale. This was bad. Really bad. I recognized this feeling. I was about to pass out from not being able to breathe right. I used to have fainting spells as a kid because of my weak raspatory system and needed to carry smelling salts for a few years. The last time it happened was about five years ago -I had been really sick. My head was throbbing; my heart was pounding. Guess I was sicker than I thought. I needed to focus on breathing and getting to the ground. I stumbled to the bowsprit (the pole that sticks out the front of the ship) as support. I needed to get to the ground safely before I collapsed. I'd gotten a concussion once because I didn't get down before the black out hit. A wave crashed into me from behind. If I hadn't been putting all my weight on that wooden shaft I would have been pushed over even though it wasn't a physical wave. What in the world was behind me that would cause such a wave? I removed one arm to look back as my knees started to give out. There was definitely someone there. Their color balance didn't match anything I could remember, but they were really familiar. Without my glasses I couldn't really tell anything -especially since everything was becoming different shades of black. And I already had bad night vision. The light was fading. Shapes were getting harder to discern. Even though I was breathing deeper I hadn't managed to counter the fainting spell. I was going down. I definitely fell, but it didn't feel like I fell for long enough to hit the ground. The feeling across my back was really familiar. Someone had caught me.

Sometimes I was able to stay conscious when I fainted. It was kinda like ending up in sleep paralysis but with a -20 to all sensory inputs. Seemed like this was one of those times. I couldn't hear what they were saying or see them. It was like my head was deep under water. There was a pressure on my forehead. Were they checking my temperature? When someone faints you're supposed to lay them on the ground and position them so they can breath easier. This person didn't take first aid classes or forgot or something because I was being lifted upwards instead of laid down. It was really warm and comfy though. I liked this feeling. What was it? Safe? Was that it? I hadn't felt actually safe in a long time. I certainly didn't feel safe in that house back home even after everything was over. Maybe it was the feeling of warmth and safety. Maybe it was the way the waves were moving. Maybe it was the numbness that comes with blacking out. But whatever it was had stopped the pain. With the pain gone I calmed the rest of the way. I felt my spine straighten out onto a soft surface. The warmth faded even though something was now covering my legs. I was in a bed. The cold was back without a source of warmth to leech from. I definitely had a fever if I was this cold. Damnit. I grew up with all sorts of chronic health conditions and have always gotten sick easily. Even though I was now in an anime world, I was still me. Was I going to die in this world from some common illness that was already cured back home? We might not have had a lot of money back home but I was lucky enough to get a job with usable health insurance that let me work from home during a pandemic. I could at least get medicine every time I got a normal illness. I was finally able to afford to get and keep an inhaler. Not that any of that was of use to me now. My motor functions were returning. I rolled to the side and curled into the fetal position. I had lost everything. No home. No friends or family. Who would want to look after a stranger with nothing to give back? I was doing what I could to seem worthy of the main cast, but how long would that last? The story would reach its end in five years. What would I do after that? What was the point of all of the savings I had managed to make back home if I was going to be Isekaied? I had been the main bread winner and now my family couldn't even use my savings because I hadn't left a body behind as proof that I had died. All of the thoughts and feelings I was still running from were flooding through me. I couldn't even distract myself with writing scrolls or anything. This was probably for the best. Pushing things away for much longer would be unhealthy. And if I couldn't let myself feel miserable when I was sick and alone, then when could I? I let the tears fall. I hadn't been a loud crier since I was a kid, so I was caught off guard when I could hear my own sobs. I didn't have it in me to hide any more. The bed I was on creaked but I hadn't moved. There was a new weight on the mattress.

I wasn't alone.

The concept that someone was checking on me hurt harder. I didn't grow up in a healthy environment, so now feel immense guilt when someone shows me genuine kindness. But I am also aware and recovered enough to know I deserve kindness, so the guilt always paired with an equal amount or more of relief. I felt a hand stroke my hair. They wanted to comfort me. And I wanted comfort. The waves washing over me encouraged me seek out more. I used what little strength I had to pull myself against them. Having undeniable proof that I wasn't alone and that someone cares was overwhelming. The relief made me cry harder. I'd have to thank them later. But for the time being I'd pour out as much emotion as they'd let me.

[noona-clock]

Traveling Love (Collab) - Part 4, Final Chapter

Genre: Fluffy/Romantic AU

Pairing: Nam Joo Hyuk x You (Female!Reader)

Warnings: None

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, Masterlist | Words: 2,094

A/N: Welcome to the third series in the monthly Love In Fours Ways collab with myself, @jackiejacks923​ @prettywordsyouleft​ & @this-song-thats-only-for-you​ . We have all taken inspiration from 4 illustrations (linked below), and during the last week of the month, we will each be sharing a 4-part mini-series based on those drawings.

Credit to: Puuung - Love Is In The Small Things

Part 4: Tucking Her into a Perfect Sleeping Burrito

You’d never experienced the feeling of Post-Vacation Blues quite as acutely as you were now.

When you’d planned this trip over the last several weeks, you’d had a feeling it was going to be wonderful -- not only because your destination had too many fun and exciting things to do and see and visit and eat, but because you were going with someone you loved. Plus, Joo Hyuk had really needed this vacation.

But you hadn’t been prepared for just how wonderful. 

If you could’ve designed your perfect vacation with no limitations, it wouldn’t have been as perfect as the one you’d just taken with Joo Hyuk. You had absolutely never been on a trip like it, and you would absolutely never go on another trip like it again.

It’s not like you did anything extremely special or note-worthy; you explored the city, you took pictures, you ate delicious food, you saw beautiful scenery. Very typical vacation stuff!

Something about it had just been... special, and no amount of money or planning would ever be able to recreate this past week.

...However.

And you were very reluctant to admit this however, and you certainly wouldn’t admit it out loud to Joo Hyuk.

But. However.

All of the planning and the fact that you’d known how very much Joo Hyuk had needed a break from work had built up quite a bit of pressure for this vacation to be as perfect as it could be.

It had been as perfect as it could be, but perfect never comes easily.

You’d worked hard to help it become perfect, and now that it was all over and you were very soon to arrive back home...

You were feeling it.

All of the work you’d done before the trip, all of the activities you’d checked off during the trip, and the unconscious demand lurking in the back of your head for the trip to be just what Joo Hyuk needed... It was all coming to the tipping point the closer you got to your apartment, and by the time you stepped in through the front door, you felt like you were going to collapse with exhaustion.

“It does feel good to be home, though,” Joo Hyuk said, and his tone made it obvious that hadn’t been the first thing he’d said.

Were you already so tired that you were zoning out and missing full sentences?

“Mm,” you hummed, deciding not to let on that you were kind of about to drop right here on the floor and fall asleep -- that you were so exhausted, you’d completely missed the first part of whatever your boyfriend had said.

“I’m just going to check my email,” Joo Hyuk murmured as you began to lug your suitcase back toward your shared bedroom.

Again, you simply hummed in response -- and that’s how you knew your brain was fried. Joo Hyuk checking his email just after arriving home from vacation should have made you stop and warn him that he at least needed to wait until tomorrow to get back into Work Mode. But, no. You just hummed and trudged through your apartment to go unpack.

When you reached your bedroom, you let your suitcase fall to the floor, and you dropped onto your knees beside it to unzip it.

Your arms felt like lead -- or like they were stuck in Jello -- as you began to take out your clothes and put them in a pile next to you.

If you were in your right mind, you would have taken your suitcase closer to your clothes hamper to cut out the middle man.

But you were, apparently, just too tired to think efficiently at the moment.

Joo Hyuk’s voice suddenly cut through the silence, and you jumped a little --

...Wait.

How had he checked his email so quickly?

And why had his sudden presence startled you that much?

...Had you been --

“Why didn’t you tell me you were that tired?” Joo Hyuk said softly as he crouched down next to you.

Well, then. You had just fallen asleep while unpacking your suitcase.

You knew you were exhausted, but you didn’t realize you were that exhausted.

“Sorry,” you murmured, your brow furrowed as Joo Hyuk reached to pick you up. He slid one arm behind your knees, the other across your back, and stood up to carry you bridal-style to your bed. “I guess it just hit me all at once when we got home.”

“No, don’t apologize,” he replied, carefully leaning over and setting you on top of the bed. “You did a lot of work, and we were pretty busy this whole week. You just get some rest, and I’ll finish unpacking, okay?”

The second your head hit the soft cushion of your pillow, your eyes began to droop. You weren’t sure if you even responded to him, and the last thing you remember was Joo Hyuk reaching for the throw blanket at the end of the bed.

An indeterminate length of time later, the scent of something cooking tickled your nose. You smelled it first before you even blinked your eyes open, but when you did open your eyes, you found that not only had Joo Hyuk covered you with a blanket...

He had wrapped the blanket around you like the tortilla of a burrito.

A smile tugged at your lips, and you nestled into the blanket even further, letting out a soft sigh of contentment.

You were wrapped up in your blanket like a burrito, the apartment smelled like the most delicious dinner was cooking, and you had just taken a much-needed nap.

There was no way you could be even remotely upset right now. Not even the tiniest bit.

With a groan, you began to sit up so you could unroll yourself and make your way to the kitchen. The smell of dinner was just too tempting to resist, and your stomach was on the verge of letting out a rather audible grumble.

But before you could even lift one corner of the blanket around you, you heard footsteps shuffling toward the bedroom. And when your gaze landed on the doorway, you saw Joo Hyuk had appeared gingerly carrying a steaming bowl, his hands covered by your favorite floral pot holders.

You managed to inch up into a seated position by the time he got to the side of the bed, and you asked, “What’s this?”

“I thought I would make you some soup,” he answered, perching on the edge of the mattress and shifting the bowl to cradle it in one hand. After slipping the pot holder from his now free hand, he took the spoon from inside the bowl and dipped it into the soup.

“Babe, you don’t have to feed me,” you chuckled, though you still accepted the spoonful he offered, slurping the soup carefully. Once you’d swallowed it, feeling the comforting warmth sliding down your throat, you added, “I’m not sick! I’m just exhausted.”

Joo Hyuk held out another spoonful of soup for you, waiting until you’d taken it before replying with, “Yeah, but you took care of me this whole week -- and a long time before then, too. It’s time for me to take care of you.”

“I did not take care of you,” you retorted with a soft grin.

“You absolutely did.”

“I just planned our trip! Once we actually got there, we did everything together.”

Your boyfriend let out a soft sigh and leaned over to set the bowl down on the nightstand. “I know, but... I know it hasn’t been easy because I’ve been so stressed out.”

“It really --”

“Just let me finish,” he interrupted, shooting you a playful smirk.

You pressed your lips together and snuggled back into your pillows.

“I know I’m not always the easiest person to live with because I don’t share things easily. Or... at all. Unless you force me to. And no one should have to do that to their partner, so I’m sorry I clam up when I’m stressed. But if it annoys you or worries you, literally no one would know. You either do an amazing job of hiding it or...”

He trailed off, so you took this opportunity to say something.

“Or I just know that’s how you are, and I love you. Unconditionally,” you said quietly.

Yes, sometimes it did annoy you that Joo Hyuk had such a hard time sharing how he felt. Sometimes you did feel like you were nagging him to be more open and forcing him to tell you what emotions he was experiencing.

But... you also understood that emotions can be super tricky. And complicated. And hard to express. Everyone is different, and everyone handles emotions differently. So, if you loved Joo Hyuk unconditionally, you had to accept that he was one of those people who just had a difficult time with them. 

If you didn’t accept that, wouldn’t it be a condition to your love? You only loved him if he expressed his emotions freely?

So, you mustered all your patience and you gave him time. You helped him out as much as you could and stepped away when you felt like you needed to.

Joo Hyuk smiled down at his lap, shaking his head gently. “I... don’t know how I got so lucky finding you, but...” He lifted his gaze, looking at you with more love in his eyes than you really even knew what to do with. “I hope you know how much you mean to me, and that I never want to take you for granted.”

“Of course, I do,” you murmured, finally wriggling your hands free from your blanket burrito so you could cradle his ridiculously handsome face in your palms. “I know you, and I know that you letting me in is just one way you show me that you care. You may not realize it, but you do a lot of little things, and I learned pretty quickly that they all mean you love me.”

Joo Hyuk grinned bashfully, and you leaned in to capture his lips in a brief kiss.

“And I love you, too,” you whispered. “And I really love when you turn me into a blanket burrito and make soup for me, even if I’m not sick.”

Your boyfriend chuckled lightly, his breathy laugh grazing over your lips.

“It’s really good soup, by the way,” you told him as you pulled away and reached for the bowl on the nightstand.

“Thanks,” he replied, setting one of the pot holders in your lap so you could put the bowl there. “I used that cookbook you got me for Christmas last year.”

Your eyes widened, and you beamed over at him. “You did?!” you marveled. “Oh, now I really know you love me.”

“Please don’t take that to mean I want another one this year,” he laughed, shaking his head. “One cookbook is enough.”

“No, you can never have too many cookbooks!” you argued playfully. “Just like you can never have too many blankets.”

“That is also not true. We’re only two people, we can’t use that many --”

“But what if I want to be a different blanket burrito every day of the week?” 

Joo Hyuk quirked a brow at you and opened his mouth to reply... but he stopped himself. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to the top of your head.

“You’re right,” he mumbled before he got up and headed back out of the bedroom. “You’re right. You always are.”

Rather than crow triumphantly after him, you simply smiled down at your bowl of soup. You bit your bottom lip to stop yourself from squealing, and that’s when you knew without a shadow of a doubt that Joo Hyuk would be by your side for as long as you both shall live.

After two years, he could still make you bite your lip and squeal like a young girl with a schoolyard crush. He could still make you smile like a kid on Christmas morning. He could still make your heart and stomach flip just like he could the first time you’d met him.

...I mean, you’d already known he was your Forever, long before this. But you know what I mean. You just knew even more.

At home, on vacation, stressed out, in a blanket burrito, with a bowl of soup, out on the balcony, under the stars...

Whenever, wherever, however -- it didn’t matter.

Forever and ever, even more, he was yours.

[idnek83]

Aid - Chapter 10/13

Rating: Explicit

Pairing: Soda Kazuichi/Tanaka Gundham

Tags: Alternate Universe - Island Mode, No Game Spoilers, Masturbation,  Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Semi-Public Sex, Grinding, Wet Dreams, Anal Fingering,  Friends With Benefits,  Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, Anal Sex

Summary: Everyone is hot and half naked because of their beach vacation. Soda is horny and tries to do something about it. Gundham tries to help and does. It all gets a little out of hand.

Chapter: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13

Read on Ao3

This Chapter: Soda finally talks about his feelings: Soda stumbles, Gundham nearly breaks.

_____________________

Soda woke to a ray of sun on his face.

He shifted to try to get the light away from his eyes, sliding his head up from Gundham’s chest to his shoulder. Gundham was still sleeping soundly, and Soda took a moment to enjoy the peaceful rise and fall of his chest, bringing his hand up to rest over his heart. It beat steadily, Soda closed his eyes and synched his breaths with Gundham’s while he listened to that steady, comforting beat.

He wanted to wake up like this everyday. Slowly, peacefully, and being held by the man…

The man he loved.

He turned his reddened face to hide it in Gundham’s chest. He knew exactly what he had been feeling, and he knew he couldn’t deny it anymore. The way Gundham had made him feel as he had cried in his arms, the way he made him feel when he called him all those strange names and flashed him those soft smiles… he knew what that feeling was. He had known for a while.

He had just been too scared to admit it.

Now, warmed by the early sunlight and Gundham’s arms, tucked into his side and listening to his heart, even the fear couldn’t make him deny it anymore.

He felt doubt creeping back into his brain as he continued to slowly wake. He tried to push it back, tried to enjoy the moment just a bit longer…

But his feelings didn’t matter. There was no way Gundham could feel the same, not about someone like him. Gundham was tall, and smart, and handsome, and kind, and funny, and… and he was just Soda. Stupid, average looking at best, quick to anger, and slow to catch on, even to his own feelings.

No one could want him.

He felt a sleepy kiss pressed into his hair and opened his eyes. He hadn’t realized he had started crying again, but Gundham was already wiping away his tears. Everything he had already been feeling swelled up in his chest and he knew this was it.

No more waiting.

“I’m ready to talk.”

His voice was quiet, barely a whisper, but he knew Gundham heard him, felt the way the arm around his back pulled him a little closer, felt another kiss to his forehead and a hand combing through his hair.

“I’m here.” Gundham’s voice was quiet too, rough with sleep and even deeper than usual. Soda hoped he would be able to hear it that way again. “Do you wish me only to listen? Or would you like me to speak as well?”

“I love it when you speak.” He spoke the words without consciously deciding to, but he couldn’t take them back now. He distracted himself by smoothing his hand across Gundham’s chest, and he felt a hand squeeze his hip lightly.

“Then I will.” He felt both their hearts beat a little faster.

“I…” He remembered the last time they had really spent any time together, that breakfast with just the two of them that had been so great until- “I’m sorry about… our breakfast the other day, I, uh, kinda ruined it by storming off like that.”

“Certainly that is not what has been weighing on your mind all this time?” Gundham didn’t sound upset, he just sounded curious.

“I, uh, no? But I feel like I should, like, get it out of the way? I really do feel bad about it so, um… sorry.” It felt stupid, but it also felt like a weight off his shoulders.

“I… cannot deny I was curious about the situation. I understand the dark queen was being somewhat rude but-”

“What?”

“Hm? Sonia. She was acting quite coldly towards you, but I do not understand why you reacted so strongly on that particular occasion.”

“I- but I mean I, like, kind of deserved that, didn’t I? I mean I… I’ve been treating her pretty badly for a while now…” Soda started nervously drawing shapes on Gundham’s chest. What was he saying? He had already gone over the whole situation in his mind; it had been his fault, even if Sonia had been a little rude, it was only because he deserved it.

Gundham heaved a heavy sigh, and Soda kind of enjoyed the way his own head rose and fell with it.

“We spoke, after you left.” Soda looked up to try to see what kind of face Gundham was making, but he was staring up at the ceiling. He would have had to sit up to see his face, and he wasn’t willing to move away from Gundham, even a little.

Not yet.

“What… did you talk about?” Soda knew. He had stormed off and they had talked about how much he had overreacted. They talked about how rude he was and how stupid he was for ever thinking Sonia would like him.

How stupid he was for thinking anyone would like him.

He pushed the side of his face back into Gundham’s chest.

Not yet.

“The two of you… you do not treat each other fairly.” Gundham began to rub his back. “You do not give Sonia the space she requires, not do you treat her as an equal, but rather, as some ideal being. She does not appreciate it.” Yeah, he already knew that. He was a creep who had obsessed over her without ever bothering to notice he was making her uncomfortable, and without bothering to get to know the real her.

“And the dark queen, she…” Hates Soda and is completely justified in it? He knew that too. “She treats you too harshly.” What? “She behaves as if you are not there, only acknowledging your presence when she stands to gain something.”

“What?”

“Do you disagree?” Gundham looked down at him quizzically.

“Well, no? But I, uh, kinda deserve it? Like it’s my fault she treats me like that so-”

Gundham heaved another sigh and kissed his forehead again. Soda wished he had been counting, he wanted to remember every one of those little kisses once this was all over.

Not yet.

“You are too hard on yourself, my sweet consort.” Soda didn’t know what to say. Gundham was just saying that to make him feel better, right? “You are partly at fault, but even the dark queen admits her hand helped shape the situation.”

What? Sonia thought-? But it had all been Soda’s fault, hadn’t it?

Hadn’t it?

“But I am curious, my consort, this situation is not new, and I do not recall ever witnessing you react so… strongly to it before. What caused you to have such a volatile reaction?”

It was Soda’s turn to sigh. He rolled onto his back, keeping his head on Gundham’s shoulder.

Not yet.

“I- hm, I guess it had kinda been building up for a while? Like, even though she treats me like I don’t exist, I really like her.” He blushed a little at the admission and looked up at Gundham. He looked… confused? Huh? He thought everyone knew he liked Sonia, it wasn’t exactly a secret. Well whatever, Gundham was probably thinking about something else. He looked back at the ceiling. “Like, I realize we’re probably never going to date or anything cus, well, like you just said, I kinda treat her… or I guess we both kinda treat each other like shit?” It felt weird to say it like that, ‘we both’ like he actually wasn’t the only one responsible. “But, I can’t really help how I feel about her, right? Like, feelings don’t just stop cus you know it’s not gonna work out, y’know?”

Gundham still looked like he was thinking pretty hard about something, but he responded with a little nod and hummed in agreement.

“So yeah, I guess I was frustrated? And it just kept building and building, and then… Well, you remember how she told me to apologize to you? For ignoring you? Like, I wasn’t even ignoring you! I was just kinda spacy! But it just- I mean, her asking me to apologize for ignoring someone? It just like- I couldn’t handle that. It just, ugh, it pissed me off so much! But I didn’t want to, like, yell at her like a jerk or something so… I just left, y’know?”

“Mm, I… suppose I understand. It was rather hypocritical of her.” Gundham still looked like he was thinking hard about something. Had he said something weird? “I… did not realize you still held feelings for Sonia at that time.” Gundham looked at him then. He looked… concerned now? Upset maybe? Was he just worried about Soda’s weird obsession with Sonia then?

“Yeah, I uh, probably should have gotten over it a long time ago, huh? But-” he took a deep breath and sat up so he could face Gundham.

Now.

“I guess you just really can’t, um, control who you like, right?” He could feel himself blushing, could feel it spreading over his whole body. But he could do this. He was going to do this.

“So, you… still have feelings for her?” Why was Gundham so caught up on that? He started sitting up too, giving Soda another one of those confused, concerned looks.

Probably best to just tell him the truth, don’t want to start this thing with a lie.

“Y-yeah. I’ve given up on her, but even then, it’s not like feelings just go away immediately.” He forced a laugh. Why did it feel so awkward suddenly?

“I… see.” Gundham wasn’t looking at him. “I… appreciate your honesty.”

What was that supposed to mean? What the hell was going on in Gundham’s head? Maybe he should wait to-

No. No more waiting, no more chickening out. It was time to do this.

“Yeah, um, I mean I actually think this whole thing with you really helped-“

Gundham’s head snapped up.

“Thing?” Huh? Had Gundham sounded… angry just then?

“Uh, yeah, like the ‘pact’ thing? An, um, ‘aiding’ each other?”

Gundham narrowed his eyes, he looked like he was thinking hard again. What the hell was happening? Did Gundham know what he was about to say? Was he just grossed out and trying to think of a way to get Soda out of his cabin before he could say it? He’d better hurry up…

“Um, anyways, this has all really helped me realize some, uh, things about myself like, what I want and how I want people to treat me and stuff… and, um, I know this has really just been, like, a sex thing but-”

“Just a sex thing?” Gundham hissed out the words. Yeah, that time he had definitely been angry.

“Y-yeah?” Why was Gundham so upset? He watched him take a few deep breaths as he regained his composure.

“I did not realize that is all you thought this was.” Gundham swallowed, he looked like he was trying hard to keep his face neutral. “I did not think our pact to be simply… carnal.” He practically spit the last word.

Shit, what? Gundham had thought they were more than fuck buddies? What? Gundham was standing now, looking for his clothes.

“Wait, what? I-” Did that mean? “So, then, do you, like, like me?” What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?

“Much more than you like me, it would seem.” Gundham pulled on his pants and wasn’t looking at Soda. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck-

“Wait, I-I think I misunderstood-“

Gundham turned and fucking glared at him.

“What are the odds, it would appear I misunderstood as well.” He practically shouted, the anger fell from his face, and he just he looked tired. “I did not realize I was… just a sex thing to you.”

Gundham tossed him his clothes.

“Leave me. I… need to think.” He turned from Soda and he heard him take a deep, shaky breath.

That was it, Gundham hated him. He dressed as quickly as he could then moved towards the door, but… could he really just leave things like this?

“Gundham, I’m-”

“Go.” Gundham seemed to choke on the word. Was he… crying?

Shit, Soda was the worst. No wonder so many people hated him.

He turned, left, and headed directly to his own cabin.

–

He felt empty. He sat on his bed, and he just felt empty. Gundham hated him and he had never even managed to confess. He was such a fuck up.

And Gundham had… he liked Soda? He had pretty much said that, right? And not only that, but he had thought they were more than… ‘just a sex thing.’ God, his own stupid, careless words sounded so much worse every time he replayed them in his head.

So then, Gundham had thought they were basically, like, dating then? And then Soda had fucked him and treated it like a hook-up, and now Gundham never wanted to see him again. He couldn’t even blame him for being so pissed.

He had already had everything he wanted, he was just too god damned stupid to realize it.

And he had just fucked it up forever.

Fuck.

Next Chapter

[werejusttouchingeachother]

DUBAI 2019 [August 26th, 5:30PM]

Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 T/W: cursing Words: 3234

Seoyeon slows the car to a stop in front of your apartment, glancing at you as you stare out the window in silence, lost in your own thoughts. The furrow in your brows is enough to tell her that you’re reliving New York and she sighs, pulling your eyes back to her.

“It’s very hot today,” you mumble softly, peering back outside the window. It’s evening but the sun still shines down brightly over the city, glinting over the tall skyscrapers in a way that it reflects down blindingly. Your apartment is at Jumeirah, overlooking the beach on the side that wasn’t facing the main street and even the turquoise ocean seems to be sparkling like diamonds underneath the sun’s bright rays.

“He kept telling how the sun hurt his eyes during the shoot,” you continued, chewing on your lower lip absentmindedly as your eyes scanned the beachside for a familiar small-looking man with a walk that made him look a lot bigger than he was.

“Y/N.” Seoyeon called your name and she grabbed your hand to get your attention. “Stop overthinking. Its Dubai, he can’t exactly roam around. He’s probably already at your place. And if he isn’t, I’m sure he’ll be there soon.”

You nod furtively, sighing loudly. You pause before lowering your head and whispering, “I don’t want a break, Seoyeon.”

“Who said anything about a break?”

“What if he does?” You question, turning to look at her. Her eyes widen when she sees your red nose—a tell-tale sign that you were holding back tears.

“I can’t do that again,” you admit in a croak and Seoyeon shakes her head at you, arms wrapping around your shoulders and pulling you into a hug.

“Y/N,” she says soothingly, rubbing her hand on your back comfortingly. “He can’t either. You know that. Both of you went through hell the last time and you know better now. It’s not going to happen again, okay? You just need to talk to each other, address what happened back at your office. Clear the air and it’ll be easier to move past it. Stop stressing unnecessarily.”

You take a shaky breath as she pulls you back by your shoulders, smiling gently at you.

“Tell you what,” she starts. “I’ll come up with you. If he isn’t there, we can wait together for him.”

“You don’t have to—”

“Again, I wasn’t asking,” Seoyeon rolls her eyes at you, switching off the engine. “Get out. I can already feel the heat.”

Seoyeon and you wait for more than an hour at your apartment. She busies herself by going adventurous-cook-mode in your kitchen, gathering several ingredients as she decides to make pasta for the both of you. When she notices you sitting on the couch in silence, zoned out as you stare through the television screen without actually watching what was on it, she drags you into the kitchen to help her.

She’s just shut the door of the oven after placing the dish of pasta inside, peeling off the oven mitts when your phone begins ringing on the kitchen counter. Both of your heads turn in the direction of the phone and you leap across the kitchen floor to grab it when you notice that it’s an unfamiliar number.

“Hello?” You answer hurriedly and feel your shoulders sag in relief when you hear Manager’s reassuring voice come through.

“Y/N, relax,” he laughs softly at the tension that he could undoubtedly feel radiating from you even through your voice. “He just came to the set right now. He was with Jongin at the hotel all this time so don’t worry. We’re almost done here so I’ll drop him off soon at your place.”

“Is he okay?” You ask, straining to hear his voice in the background of the other side although it’s in vain—the crew is loud as always, multiple people chattering at the same time.

“He’s… not the best,” Manager responds slowly as if to lessen the brunt of his words. “He’s quiet.”

You close your eyes as your shoulders slump in worry, running a hand over your face. Angry Baekhyun was fine—you could calm him down by clinging onto him, kissing and babying him until he finally gave in and grinned at you, reciprocating your affection.

But quiet Baekhyun meant hurt Baekhyun—the one who didn’t want to talk, the one who didn’t welcome hugs, who wanted to be alone gaming and angrily yelling at other players. It meant a closed-off Baekhyun and that always worried you.

Overthinking was a common battleground in your relationship, one that made you wary since both of you often seemed to be on opposing sides while within your own heads.

“Just bring him home quickly,” you respond to Manager, nodding at Seoyeon as she raised her eyebrow at you. “And thank you… Hyungnim.”

You could hear the slight smile in his voice as he replied, “You’re welcome, dear. I’ll see you soon.”

Hanging up, you turn to look at Seoyeon who is leaning against the counter.

“He was at the hotel,” you respond to her unasked question. “With Jongin. Just got to the set and Manager is bringing him here now.”

She nods, watching you. “That’s good. The food will be ready by then. He likes pasta?”

You shoot her a look and she immediately nods, quipping, “He loves food, he eats everything, got it.”

She checks the timer then and grabs the block of parmesan cheese on the counter, placing it back in the fridge.

“He’s quiet,” you say and she nods, turning to you.

“As are you,” Seoyeon states, shaking her head at you. “Stop it, Y/N. Your forehead is going to have permanent wrinkles from the way you keep frowning and worrying. Relax. He’ll be here soon so talk it out, just like I said. No running nor sweeping it under the rug. All right?”

You nod tiredly and she frowns as she looks at you then. “He’ll be here soon so go shower. You’re still in your work clothes which smell like cheese and dough now, by the way. Also, there’s flour on your skirt.”

“You need any more help around here?” You ask, looking around the kitchen which was spotless due to Seoyeon’s quick hands. You shake your head before saying, “You know, we could have just ordered in.”

“Shut up, you know I like cooking,” she snorts, washing her hands in the sink. “It kept that noisy head of yours shut too.”

“You should really meet Kyungsoo,” you suggest thoughtfully, giving her a small smirk. “I feel like the two of you would get along great.”

“I can only drop so many hints, genius,” Seoyeon rolls her eyes at you. “Your boyfriend picks them up better than your dumbass.”

You laugh at her statement before turning around and heading for the shower. The water is warm and instantly comforting against your tense body, relaxing you as you stay under the shower for a while to thoroughly wash away all the knotted emotions you were feeling. You smile as you hear Seoyeon singing in the kitchen as she puts the dishes away, feeling thankful for such a genuine friend who was always the first to offer any and every aid whenever you felt like you were on shaky grounds—whether it was to distract you from your worries, to give you a hug or even to drive you home.

You honestly didn’t know what you’d do without her.

You step out of the shower in an extremely faded old shirt that you weren’t certain belonged to you or Baekhyun, drying your damp hair with the towel. The entire house smelled like Italian—you can almost taste the freshly baked cheese that Seoyeon had so generously added atop the pasta. You head for the kitchen and begin to grin when you hear that she’s singing Tell Me What Is Love.

“Seoyeon, I got it,” you call out, voice slightly muffled by the towel. “You’re not even trying to be subtle anymore so relax, I will set you up as soon as he’s back from enlist—”

You stop as the front door opens and Baekhyun enters, his eyes meeting yours immediately. His gaze shifts to Seoyeon and he grins, cheerfully greeting her.

“Baekhyun,” you mutter, taken aback by his friendly demeanour and sudden appearance as you glance behind him. “Where’s Manager?”

“They needed him back at the set,” Baekhyun replied casually, closing the door behind him. “I think it was urgent. He apologised, said that he’ll meet you tomorrow.”

“Oh, okay, sure.” You nod, still feeling slightly hesitant as he looks around curiously.

“It smells amazing in here.” He looks at Seoyeon then, smiling excitedly. “Seoyeonie, did you cook?”

“Yes, I did,” she grins, straightening from the table where she’d been setting the meal. “It’s hot from the oven so wait a bit and then eat a lot, okay? I’ll just be leaving now.”

Baekhyun protests but she shakes her head, shooting you a look to which you nod. Muttering that you’ll text her later, you stand awkwardly with the towel still held to your head as she exchanges pleasantries with him before leaving the apartment.

Baekhyun turns to you then and you swallow, Seoyeon’s words echoing in your head as you open your mouth to start the dreaded conversation but he beats you to it.

“Later,” he says, the one word immediately making your eyebrows draw together in confusion. “Let’s not get into it right now. Your hair is still wet.”

“Let’s-my-what?” You blink, shaking your head at him as you hold your hands up in an effort to slow him down. “Wait, are you saying you don’t want to talk about what happened?”

“I said later,” he clarified, grabbing the towel from your hands. “Not right now. I can’t get into it right now. Can you go get your brush?”

“My what?”

“Your hair’s a mess, Y/N,” Baekhyun said slowly as if you were a child who couldn’t understand him. He sighs when you just stare at him in bafflement, walking in the direction of the room. “I’ll get it myself.”

“No, wait,” you grab his arm, stopping him. Quickly, you head for your bedroom and grab the brush from your dresser. You glance at your reflection and stop, noticing how your eyes were slightly swollen. You’d assumed the shower would have made it less noticeable but it still looked as if you’d cried and you were certain that Baekhyun hadn’t missed it.

You walk back to the living room and stand at the door when you notice him going through the albums that you had placed next to your sound system. He’d connected your phone to the speakers and the silent room was filled with soft music from the playlist you’d had on shuffle this morning.

“What?” You ask, noticing Baekhyun’s sour expression. “Why are you frowning?”

“This is Jongdae's.” Your eyes fall on the disk inside the player that he points to, seeing the familiar green design of the April and a Flower CD.

You pause in confusion before prodding, “Yeah? And?”

“Where's my album?” Baekhyun mutters in his all-too familiar pouty way as he rummages over your collection.

You roll your eyes at his whiny tone, unable to fight your amused smile. “It’s there, you big baby. Next to Dean’s.”

Baekhyun's eyes search the cabinet, fingers finally finding his album as he pulls it out from between the others.

You grab the towel from the back of the chair where he’d placed it and dry the ends of your hair that had dampened the front of your shirt.

“Hey.”

You’re bent over with the towel atop your head but his serious tone makes its way through your vigorous drying. You straighten immediately, pushing your hair away from your face as you ask quickly, “What?”

“This isn’t signed.” Baekhyun turns to you with the City Lights album held up in his hand. “I’m literally your boyfriend, what the fuck?”

He mutters curses beneath his breath as he searches around for a marker and finds it on the shelf below the CDs next to your notepad. Biting back a smile, you stand beside him as he uncaps the marker and lowers it to the album.

“Not on your face,” you instruct reflexively and he pauses, glancing at you.

“Why not?” Baekhyun smirks and you already know he’s going to say something dirty. “You can sit on it but my signature can’t?”

You smack his arm and he laughs, moving aside to escape your hand. He leans over the desk to sign it and stops then, hand freezing mid-air.

You blink at him in confusion before asking, “What?”

Baekhyun caps the marker again, placing the album back and giving you a small smile. “I'll do it later.” He glances at you, eyes falling on your hair. “Your shirt is practically see-through now, Y/N, come here.”

He takes your hand before you can respond, pulling you over to the couch. You feel out-of-sorts and disoriented at the way he was behaving, like you were stepping on eggshells around him.

After all, it wasn’t often that you fought. There were silly arguments, of course, but they usually ended with him doing crazy antics to make you laugh.

But this wasn’t a silly argument. This was a recurring fight that hit too close to what happened in New York and the way he was acting right now wasn’t helping—in fact, it terrified you more. It reminded you of the eerily calm manner he’d been in as he uttered those last words in your apartment at New York before leaving.

Maybe we should take a break.

You close your eyes, willing the haunting memory to leave your mind as you stretch your legs out on the couch and lean your head back. Baekhyun sits behind you, moving closer so your back is against him as his hands rub the towel over your hair. The music playing from your phone slows as the song reaches its end and you feel Baekhyun's hand stop slightly as the familiar intro piano chords of Chen's Love Words fill the room.

You roll your eyes, already knowing what’s coming as he blurts, “Ya. Don’t you think this is a bit too much? You have the album on your phone too?”

You raise your hands to the towel on your head. “It’s a fantastic album, Baek. One of the best released this year, for sure. It helps me sleep.”

Baekhyun takes the towel from your grip, resuming his brushing. You lapse into silence and he pulls you further back so you’re up against his chest. His voice reverberates through your back as he asks, “You have trouble sleeping?”

You open your eyes that had involuntarily closed at the gentle massage of Baekhyun’s hands, shoulders immediately tensing at the unexpected question. You try to be as nonchalant as possible as you say, “Some long nights that I have to pull at the office. The songs are all soothing so they help.”

You pause, running out of things to justify your words and you continue to ramble, “It’s really such a perfect album, the vibes are perfect for this time of the year when it's getting cooler. I was so awed when I first heard it that I even texted Jongdae and he was so shy, whining ‘noooo, you're just teasing’ when I kept praising it, it was really cute—”

“Y/N.”

You stopped, lowering your gaze to your hands on your lap. He removes the towel from around your head, putting it aside and placing his hands on your hips. “You never did tell me. What happened with the old apartment?”

The words are already leading to a conversation that you weren’t certain you wanted to have. The fact that Baekhyun still remembered the first place you rented as soon as you’d moved here—a posh two-bedroom apartment at Downtown Dubai—took you aback and you fought to not show your surprise.

You hesitated before shrugging. “I did tell you. It was far from the office and this place is more convenient this way.”

Your tone was steady enough to pass off as convincing and you were thankful that your back was facing him.

Baekhyun grips your hips then and manhandles you as he turns you around until you're sitting cross-legged in between his splayed legs. He tugs you closer until you’re just shy from being on his lap.

Spoke too soon.

Placing a finger under your chin, he lifts your head. Warm brown eyes locking with yours, he says, “Now say that again while looking right at me.”

You gaze back at him in silence, trying to force the words out of your mouth but as always, the lie was choking in your throat.

It had been almost three years and it was still less difficult to lie to him on the phone. Not that you got away with it—he’d still catch your shifty tone—but it was easier than doing it face-to-face.

So like a coward, you decide to change direction. “What's wrong with this place? I know you liked the other one more but this isn’t all that bad.”

Baekhyun raises an eyebrow at your words. “You're right, I did. It had that fancy pool. And there’s nothing wrong with this place—except that you don’t sleep on the bed, do you?”

You blink, caught off guard by the sudden accusation. “What?”

He gestures around the couch. “This is your bed.”

You’re silent and he continues, “Look at the table. There's way too many empty containers from takeout and too many bottles of water.”

“Yeah, so?” You scoff. “I lay on the couch and eat while watching stuff, Baek. Obviously.”

He shoots you a look then. “Your glasses are here.”

“I left them here by accident before I left for work the other day, they’re usually in my room.”

“Oh, for fuck's sake, Y/N. There’s a clock. A cable for your phone, stretching all the way from the TV, by the way. I didn’t even know they had extension cords that long. And oh hey, a blanket!”

You open your mouth and he cuts you off again with, “Before you lie anymore, your bedroom looks like no one is living in it. The bed has never been cleaner and I know you don’t make it because you believe there’s no point in making your bed since you just fall asleep on it at the end of the day again. If I swept through that room, I’m pretty sure I’d only find footprints in your wardrobe ’cause that’s all you use, Y/N.”

He emphasises the last bit to drive the point further home and there’s nothing left for you to argue so you look down, playing with your fingers again until Baekhyun takes your hand, intertwining your fingers together.

You know what he’s going to say even before he says it and you look up, meeting his eyes. They bore into you and you’re silently pleading with your gaze now.

“Babe.”

Don’t say it, don’t say it, dontsayitdontdontdont—

“Is this about New York?”

You flinch, his fingers tightening around your hand as if you were going to run and he was trying to make sure you wouldn’t. You can’t blame him either because New York hurt unlike any other.

[occasionally-writing]

Let Me Care For You

A/N: This is based off the idea that I posted early in the morning! It’s kinda short but I’m still trying to ease myself back into writing since it’s been a while. Nonetheless, I hope you guys like it! <3

Summary: Team notices how stressed Win is while he’s studying for an exam, so he takes it upon himself to help Win relax and as he does this, he realizes something about Win that is absolutely adorable.

Word Count: 1033

Team could not focus on his game for the life of him. Ever since he decided to stop at Win’s dorm for a sleepover, not that he had any nightmares or anything, Team had noticed that his Hia has been oddly quiet, which is nothing like Win was usually like. Staring down at the game over blinking on his phone, Team let out a small sigh and knew that he wouldn’t be able to beat Mew’s personal high score when he was this worried about Win. It’s been an hour since he arrived and all Win had been doing was sitting at his desk with his shoulders hunched together and his head down with a hand tugging at his usually up in a ponytail hair. Wincing as he noticed the harsh grip Win had on his hair, Team sat up and put his phone in rest mode, stretching before he slipped off Win’s bed, stepping quietly towards the elder before he placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, feeling the way Win’s body tensed before it relaxed and Win’s tired eyes were on him. Frowning when he noticed the slight sign of dark circles starting to appear under his eyes, Team squeezed his shoulder and nodded towards the shower.

“Hia...you’ve been working like this since I’ve been here...why don’t you take a shower while I clean up? Relax a little...please?” Team begged slightly, moving to pull Win’s hand from his hair. Letting out a sigh as he looked back at his notes, Win thought about it before he turned his gaze back to Team, who obviously looked worried about him. That was the last thing he wanted to do to Team. Nodding softly, Win slowly pushed back his desk chair and stood up, stretching and sighing when his joints cracked before he slowly moved towards the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. Turning his attention from the closed door to Win’s discarded notes, Team rubbed the back of his neck before he began to clean up Win’s notes, neatly putting them back in their respective folder. Placing said folder on the notebook Win kept in the corner of his desk, Team glanced back towards the bathroom where he could hear the water running. “He didn’t even ask if I wanted to join him like he usually does…”

It was thirty minutes before Win finally stepped out of the bathroom, his hair soaking with a towel wrapped loosely around his hips. Swallowing the lump in his throat as he watched some of the water droplets slide down Win’s naked torso, Team shook the thought from his mind and offered Win a pair of plain grey sweatpants to change into. Taking them gratefully, Win offered him a small smile before he moved towards the dresser, removing the towel so he could quickly dry himself off. Keeping his eyes on the wall so he wouldn’t stare at Win’s naked body, Team jerked when the bed dipped and Win sat down. Letting his eyes shift to his boyfriend, Team relaxed when he noticed that Win had pants on before he took the towel and placed it on Win’s head, ruffling his hair dry for him. Sitting still, Win closed his eyes and leaned into Team’s touch, letting him softly dry his hair.

“You don’t have to do that,” Win whispered softly once the towel was off his head and Team reached for the brush that was resting on his bedside table. Shooting him a look that silenced him, Team wiggled closer to Win and sat on his knees, gently raising using two fingers under Win’s chin to raise his head up. Gently smoothing the brush through his damp locks, Team kept an eye out for snarls as he brushed the wet of the water drops from Win’s hair. Letting his eyes flutter shut as he relaxed against the caring treatment, Win sighed and finally let his tense body relax. Noticing this, Team let a soft smile rise on his face before he finally finished brushing his Hia’s hair, placing the brush back in its place. Trying not to show his disappointment for having the treatment stop, Win gasped as he was suddenly pulled and his head was now placed in Team’s lap. Staring up at the slightly embarrassed shine Team had in his eyes, Win blinked before his body shivered when Team’s fingers slid through his hair, his nails gently scratching at his head. “T-Team...what..?”

“I don’t like seeing you stressed...it worries me,” Team mumbled, keeping his gaze from meeting Win’s as he continued to draw his fingers through his Hia’s soft hair. Blinking as he took in what Team had said, Win bit back something that would tease him before he sighed and let his eyes close, a soft smile resting on his face instead. Feeling the way that Win’s body grew heavy, Team let his eyes gravitate back to him, taking in how relaxed and peaceful Win looked as he scratched his head lightly. Nuzzling his head a bit closer to Team’s stomach, Win let out a comforting sigh that had Team smiling. If he knew that playing with Win’s hair made him like this, he would’ve honestly done it sooner. “If you want to sleep, you can...I don’t mind.”

Letting his heavy eyes open slightly so he could see Team, Win nodded softly and let them fall shut again, the comforting touch of Team’s fingers in his hair beginning to lull him into a comforting slumber. Letting his fingers continue to play with Win’s silky locks, Team watched as his Hia’s breaths even out and his body finally grew lax, signaling that Win had indeed fallen asleep with his head resting in the warmth of his lap. Letting his eyes rake over all of Win’s features, Team felt a blush beginning to stain his cheeks as he realized something that he had secretly known since he had met Win. Letting out a small sigh, Team allowed the blush to fill his cheeks as he let a small smile rest on his lips as he continued to stare down at Win’s sleeping face. 

“I love you so much, Hia…”

[pompamaroon]

2019: A Year of Ups and Downs

In this post, I will go over some reasoning as to why 2019 was a slow year in terms of providing content or updating my tumblr profiles, and how I was feeling. Most will be seeing this coming from either SHSL Scans and/or my Manlyronpa profile. This is not a necessary read, but it will also go into why my interest in the Danganronpa series was at an all time low and despite a burning passion, I overall just gave up on the fandom and community for awhile.

My year started off quite strong, with my occupation changing from something draining to something that allowed me to build a career and have new opportunities. This was definitely the high point of my year, and I was even able to save up enough to take a trip to see someone I had grown close to across the country, something I’d only dreamed of up to this point. However, during the trip, I found myself in awe of the location and in awe of the presence of the person I went to visit. They are truly one-of-a-kind and always know how to make me smile just with their company alone. In comparison though, I felt I just could not stand beside them. Personally, I felt I was a 180 in about every way to this person and I still feel this way. It was a bitter sweet feeling, and by the time I left, I got the feeling that I’d truly given it my best, and I would have to push aside the feelings I had for this person. I attempted to set aside these feelings by devoting myself to my career which was honestly a great escape. Not only did I have a dream job, my co-workers were great to work with and bounce banter off. Additionally my managers and supervisor all had great senses of humor and I truly felt welcome to my position, resulting in a comrade dynamic that is very rare in the work force. Thanks to this boost in motivation at work, I actually managed to be able to consistently pay and commission for things. This is where I first encountered some issues with the DR fanbase. Admittedly, I had commissioned some adult works and the material in these works made it obvious it was me who asked for them, or inspired others to get them.  Around late may/early June, I ended up reaching out to some SFW work artists because I wanted to commission something a bit more wholesome involving favorites, however due to my notoriety of my earlier commissions, 2 artists turned me down as they were either not interested or did not want to be associated with NSFW artists and another artist ghosted me. It was admittedly a bit of a weird situation to deal with, but overall I felt discouraged. Additionally, the NSFW artists I had commissioned before also were not interested in drawing anything further, and so I ultimately had nowhere to go with my ideas. While I understood being turned down is completely in the artists right, I felt that my ideas were just bad, which lead to me feeling like what I enjoyed about the DR series or wanted to see from the DR series was wrong altogether. I sat down and seriously thought about it and realized that despite everything I had done to contribute to the community, that ultimately, there were no real connections made with anyone. The people I had worked with in terms of manga had either stolen my raws, or spoke negatively about other contributors(something I was also guilty of) or even in a surprising case with a certain person, just ended up leaving with out a word! In the middle of nearing completion of a large project as well! Out of everyone I’ve ever met thanks to DR, there are only 2 people I’ve consistently continued to talk with on a somewhat daily-basis. The rest ultimately just cast me aside in various ways, leaving me feeling alienated further and like I just was not going to fit into the community no matter what I tried or what I did. I did get a lot of messages from people of course, but most were reaching out for where they could find more DR manga or what they could get from me.  Eventually, I got so frustrated with it, I decided to just not do anything else in the DR fandom. I no longer felt a need to be exceedingly contributing to it or seeing it grow further, and so, after literally pulling out all the stops, the final V3 anthology release was the last thing DR related I dared to even open for a long time. I really wish that the completion of that anthology series could’ve been something more optimistic, but it just ended on a sour note for me feeling very resentful towards the fandom and community. So I shifted to doing manga I personally enjoyed, and just actually reading manga which ended up being fun! It was awesome indulging in stuff that made me happy and while it was not as popular as the DR stuff I released, I didn’t care. I wanted to treat myself. Once completed(and even during the process) though, I did have an annoying unsatisfactory feeling that I had so much DR manga unfinished. So with a new fire in me, I tackled the manga again, completing the Genocider Mode manga as I was close to completing it but also had promised someone like, 5 years+ ago that I’d complete it.  After that, there was a lot of silence, but not because I had lost interested. Instead it was around the end of August and I was in peak form. I wasn’t just killing it at work, I was going all out with the DR1 Anthologies. I had started working on them in early 2018, however, there was just a large demand for V3 stuff, so I was mostly working on that. I was on a hot streak until early November, when one of my close higher ups was let go. This completely fractured our team and we were all getting divided up as our company began to slowly change. This was a huge shock for me as the high points of my days were going to work, and those were slowly being phased out. My friends at the time also were busy with work and this left me alone for a looong time.  This sent me into a depression that I could just not dig myself out of. Of course, I still functioned and went to work, but with no feeling of social connection with anyone inside or outside of work, I felt no reason to continue my work on the anthology. I had completely given up and there were only 3 stories left to work too. This went on until January of 2020, when the new year started and I had received a promotion at my work due to my continued perseverance and growth. Since then, we’ve received lots of good news at work even with the epidemic going on, and concerning the Danganronpa series, I found my fire being lit anew. Of course, I’m anxious and worried, especially after DR3 and DRV3 failed to impress me, however with both the creators and devs wanting to give off the feeling of a “Class Reunion” for DR’s anniversary, I’m feeling excited that regardless of what we get, it will be something familiar and hopeful and like DR1 inspired me to truly take steps forward, I’m hoping the major game they announce will help me reconnect with those feelings of wanting to just move forward and not let my previous experiences to go to waste. I’m more than ready to give it my all to make this anniversary great as possible too by releasing as much manga as possible, even if it is just by myself. I truly do enjoy the series and am thankful for the few good things it was able to bring into my life by getting me out of the dark place I was in before I played it and this will hopefully be the year I can truly convey that.

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

“Why” tags are going here because Tumblr’s a baby who can’t handle all these words at once. :P

Why:

#but i spent my whole life absolutely CONVINCED that wings belonged on my body. it just... tok me a good long while to figure out Why.

#Oh THAT'S why everyone's freaking out over that post.

#at first I was like ''Wow this is Srentha to the core!'' And then I read ''why this unreasonable answer at the sight

#honestly this is why i'm basically addicted to empty-mind meditation?

#??? why do people do these awful things to Good People though

#i don't know how or why and i don't remember ever having Learned about That Letter? but my mind automatically knew it was 'hath' somehow

#Of course that DOES beg the question of why a LORd of CHAOS doesn't... you know. CHANGE it? ??

#first of all: REM WHY ARE YOU COMING to OHIO of all places???

#okay but. randy how did they MEET what's the STORY why are they HATING on TEXAS

#or like. a Sarcastic Joke because cyborg was once like ''why aren't you miss mary sunshine''?

#''What are you DOING. You RUN. ALWAYS RUN.'' and i was like. ''why bother getting into adventures if you're gonna RUN though..''

#I don't know why but I always score better on Customer Service Questionaires when I choose responses like ''I'm sorry

#i've never seen that still before and I CAN;T FATHOM WHY because that is FANTASTIC!

#I don't know why but ''novice suddenly ends up with super incredibly powerful abilities'' is one of my FAVORITE TROPES!

#I have no idea how/why but these just gave me Massive Leyla and Srentha Feels.

#my usual turnaround time for Dreams to Real Life is about two weeks. not sure why but it happens to like 7 people in my immediate family

#Especially with the bells. I don't know why but bells always remind me of that place. ~<3

#Nobody intrinsically knows how to solve problems that hurt another person. That's why COMMUNICATION is so important!

#also: Good Post re: Why Danny is So Actually-Great

#why does everyone spell ''bear with me' like that?

#i know right? Why did I never think of that??

#why do i love this so much

#that's basically why Evanescence became my favorite band. it's not all romo-/sexually-centric

#i've always read it the same way and didn't notice Why Everyone Stopped Liking Her but that also brought that particular Change to light...

#groans eternally in Tumblr's direction. why even bother with all these updates.

#Oh THAT'S why Eda could do glyphs! /joke

#thaaaat's probably why Fancie Word Choice has always been a strength in my writing.... {lD;;;;;

#velvet and sheer... why have I never seen that combination before? It's GLORIOUS

#That's probably why he's so good at spontaneous Travelling too. Lots of practice when trying to find her... /owo

#This is why House and Senate votes count though! The President may have a lot of control over the military but a strong H+S

#I know MC Escher was a master of this (whatever This is) and that's why he's one of my favorite artists.

#okay but I'm intensely curious why he didn't have a plan to take HIMSELF out and thought he'd have to rely on THEM dsfndsgmfhdgj

#I wonder why he'd need to attack/defend while shifted? Can he also use such magic when he's not shifted?

#but I think that variety is why her every new album is so refreshingly Different.  Her singing ALONE improves so MUCH with every album!

#the only difference is that I imagined the fire came with smoke and that's why her gasp was so strangled and she grabbed her throa

#honestly this is why i'm basically addicted to empty-mind meditation?

#i'm cleaning my room and i misplaced it. badfnmkngjf;lk this is why i hate cleaning

#but scenes like this are why i love DC's latest gen of animated movies

#that Friends As Family theme was super important to why i love the 80's comics too..........

#this is why i read fanfic

#i think she feels slighted in some way but i can't pinpoint Exactly Why let alone HOW.

#and it's like.. Halfo f why lapis's characterization is so Shaky for me? Because the girl barely talks??? And she has like 7 Speech Modes

#^^^^ GUYS THIS WAS ALERINA. This is the environment Dove was raised in! This is why losing her mother tore her apart! ^^^^^

#This is so so SO important and delves deeply into why language is so important for learners and general humanity alike. ~<333

#that's why my tag for Old People Stories isn't specific to any generation. it's just Shitty Adults Being Shitty

#I write primarily about OCs and I know that's why my readership is so low. I write stories for a Dead Fandom that has declined sharply.

#you know? so that's why my Affirmations Tag is like 60% Steven UniversE Content at this point. 8F It's Helping Me Learn!

#It's a CIRCADIAN THING not an INSOMNIA THING. I don't know why my doctors don't believe it's NOT the same as INSOMNIA

#oh is THAT why my love language is ''all of them''?

#and i hardcore headcanon ry ouwearing glasses when he gets older. so why not?

#i Suck at the aCTUAL DRAWING art but i'm i na bit of a fallow period with the org and personal life. so why not?

#i'm already planning an aviary for the doves. so why not? (they'd be Very Separate from teh raven though. for obvious reasons)

#let's add to the Emotional Whiplash of Today pile. sure! why not!!

#but i got the dvd and i have vlc so why not use them i guess? i already had it in the drive for the extras and this way there's .....

#She can hop dimensions so why on Earth-- ALL the Earths-- hasn't she Been Relevant to ANY multi-timeline crisis yet???

#yes of fucking COURSE Dove and the rest are in Team Transition too!! Why on Earth-- on ANY earth! wouldn't I transition them too?!

#so why on earth did danny chase get shafted so hard?????

#about WHY or if she's GONNA be OKAY or HOW or--

#So gentle and soft and concerned and really quite quiet and subtle... which might be why others didn't pick up on the Love Vibe

#but the last one I reblogged didn't have that specified! 8O i don't know why one of my special interests is Unusual Instruments

#why WOULDN'T you snog a snitch if it could bring your dead loved ones back though? Why on Earth WOULDN'T you???

#but it's about ''they're very different. but they're friends!'' It just never talks about why or how that's important.

#(i think that's her full name for some reason but i don't know why or when i heard/saw it. somebody please correct me if i'm wrong!)

#I must be an Asker. I've never understood why people are so convinced they Can't Say No if someone asks?

#i also think PTSD makes you react to fear Differently from Pure Adrenaline Responses... but i can't unravel Why right now

#And also at the time I couldn't fathom why someone would think she was autistic. because i didn't know myself

#god this foreshadowing was just. so sincere and heart-rending and when this episode came out I *DID* wonder why she'd say that...

#I'm STILL trying to figure out why Srentha thought Dove was confessing that she has heartworm. (i know she Does Not in fact

#at first I was like ''Wow this is Srentha to the core!'' And then I read ''why this unreasonable answer at the sight

#i can't figure out why though

#If my Harmony Core theory is correct: it would explain why they're playing their music So Hard.

#the fact that my first reaction was ''why though'' is..... concerning?

#raven's like How? Why The HELL. and dove doesn't have a good answer besides ''it felt like i needed it.''

#fun fact: i misread this as ''zatana zatara / MICHIGAN '' and i was like... ''why the fUCK--''

#i don't know why there's all this fanart of

#and also sugar skulls are delightful but you should really know what they MEAN and REPRESENT and WHY they're sweet and flamboyant

#if someone is passionate; angry; or distressed over a topic: She doesn't always understand WHY until they EXPLAIN it. If they do at all.)

#oh hey why was THAT line never a meme

#this is why we need

#but that doesn't make it any less FRUSTRATING because I've been wORKING THROUGH the pptsd and why won't it STOP?

#(because that's why we have to pay for everything from movies to individual channels now. let's be real)

#i've never understood why winter and fall were the only ~fashionable~ seasons for wearing black.

#I mean to be FAIR some of the government DID mobilize and that's why we got the Stimulus Bill.

#But DC... this bullshit is why we can't have nice things

#and as soon as I looked it up: y first thought was ''Oh is that why we call them Abner?'' My second was ''Is that what *I* am?''

#also if you're as powerful as zee it probably comes second-nature so why WOULDN'T you throw it around to stop an argument?

#okay but if SPINEL doesn't know then how/why would BLUE know

#what? no i didn't just stare at this for a solid two minutes and read it over five times. no.. why would I do that?

#that's because it's not ''cool'' to hate on it so why would it be ''cool'' to like it ironically?

#why WOULDN'T you snog a snitch if it could bring your dead loved ones back though? Why on Earth WOULDN'T you???

#but it's not like a ragey angry thing. it's like........ war of attrition? why yes i think i WILL sign the 47th petition for the same thing

#over and over again and rewound and replayed until i got the whole spell written down. why YES I'm a little hyperfixated! why do you ask!!!

[roost-comic]

Updaaaate

Hey all, sorry for my inactivity lately, I’m trying not to kick myself for it :T

The dealio is I had to get a job, so I have less time to do comic things. I actually finished the next chapter of Roost but I’ve been putting off uploading it because it ends with another cliffhanger and I probably won’t be able to upload the next one for a while so I felt bad cx

Sooooo since I’m working now and my mental stamina is so frail I’m shifting comic stuff to “hobby mode,” ‘cause I still really enjoy it, but I’m getting rid of the work schedule and all that and I’m gonna focus on drawing what makes me happy. I expect I’ll upload more doodles and things then :>

If you’re curious, I’m gonna be working as a dog bather (again) at a different place with less customer interaction, yay! Obviously if any of you are patrons of mine I completely understand if you wanna cancel your pledge ‘cause I won’t be able to upload comics regularly or have patron exclusive content (aside from works in progress), I 100% won’t take that personally. I suuuper appreciate your support thus far<3

Anyways thanks to all you guys for being such radical fans, I’m super happy Roost is so well liked<3<3 You guys are the coolest :>

[rogue-barnes-16]

SECRETS (part I/II)

Summary: Detectives James Barnes and Y/n Y/l/n never really got along, despite being partners for seven months. You could say they hated each other, however, when James' past shows up threatening to break him all over again, the truth about their feelings comes to the surface.

Pairing: cop!Bucky Barnes x cop!Reader

Genre: angsty (fluff in the end) (modern au)

Tags:

Permanent taglist: @notexactlythatgirl @thisismysecrethappyplace @sofreakinmanyfandoms @pizzarollpatrol @bubblycypress87 @sinviix @loislp @lovenaturefirst @dyanna-corona @2ptonpt @goodnightmode @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @mannls @cutie1365 @catch22inareddress @mybooradley @sebastianisasnack

Warnings: hints of a toxic relationship, drinking, smoking, bad described make out session and implied sex.

A/N: I couldn't finish writing the latest request I was writing bc tumblr is a bitch, so I'm dropping the first part of a 2-part fic here. I hope you enjoy my first au (I'm practicing for a Brooklyn nine nine fic) <3

Rogue-barnes-16 masterlist

"C'mon Y/n" Samantha called me from the entrance of the bar we were going to get into. She came closer, placing a hand on my bicep. "You're still thinking about it?"

I stayed silent, my eyebrows knitted, and my eyes fixed on the pavement. "yeah" I replied absently, having another puff of the cigarette held in my hand.

"do you really think you're right?"

"I don't know, Sam" I confessed, tossing the cigarette and stepping on it. "I think I don't wanna be right about this." with that, I turned around to join our friends.

The music playing in the bar almost made me forget what I had been thinking for two days.

Almost.

Two Days Ago

"BARNES!" I yelled from across the precinct's floor where we both worked. "WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?"

"charmin' as always, Y/l/n" he replied in that condescending voice of his, staring at board covered in pictures and notes.

"you dismissed my suspect." I stated, finally reaching the place where he was standing.

"it's our suspect, not yours" he corrected me crossing his arms over his chest "and we'd reached a deadlock"

"I told you to fucking wait, dammit!" I spat, hitting the desk in an attempt to draw his attention.

He jumped, spinning around so he was now face to face with me. For an instant, I saw panic in his gaze, quickly replaced by anger.

"I told you to follow Vargas, and did you, smartass?" I huffed. "see? We're fuckin' even"

I glared at him slack-jawed. "You're unbelievable." grabbing three manila folders from his desk, I made my way to mine. "and for the record, Vargas didn't show up, you fucker!" since my back was to him, I missed his eyes fixed on my form with something way different from anger, frustration or hate.

BUCKY'S P. O. V.

I stood still, staring at Y/n leaning over her desk to examine the manila folders with my jaw clenched, reminding myself that I hated her.

I needed to remind myself that I hated her every single day, because if I didn't, I knew shit would go south.

Unexpectedly, she looked up from the reports and her eyes dug into mines. I only mimicked her position, leaning over my desk, holding her stare.

Surprisingly, it was me who first averted my eyes, my ring tone catching my attention. When I looked at the screen, I saw an unknown number. "Hello?" I asked hesitant.

"Morning honey" my body went stiff at the voice, my jaw clenching while I tried to stay composed. "I made you some coffee, can you tell them to buzz me in?" I stayed silent "oh don't worry, I'm in"

I hung up and tossed the phone over my desk before stalking to the entrance of precinct just in time to see her appearing.

READER'S P. O. V.

I followed Barnes with my gaze, worried that something bad might have happened. However, in the entrance I only saw a redhead with a smile on her face.

"What are you doing here?" Barnes hissed from a considerable distance.

"I told you, silly" she let out a giggle "I brought you some coffee." When she tried to step closer to Bucky, I saw his trembling hand ghost over the holster he was carrying. "are you gonna shoot me, baby?"

Something in her voice made chills run down my spine, but I knew stepping in wasn't a good solution, so I stayed leaned over my desk.

"you can't be here" she stared at him with defiance before smashing her bag over the nearest table, making Barnes jump.

"hey" before I realized, I was walking to them. "Miss, who are you?" flash of madness crossing her eyes scared the shit out of me, but I didn't back off. Instead, I stepped between the two of them. "who are you?" I repeated.

"I'm James' wife" her reply shocked me enough to turn around and give Barnes a very confused look. "who's this woman? are you cheating on me, baby?"

I felt Barnes hand sneaking in the gap between my arm and my waist to grab my forearm "I fuckin' work here" I replied, completely ignoring the tug in my arm.

"then go work" she hissed "and let me catch up with my husband" when I didn't move, and irritated look made its way to her face. "I told you to leave, bitch."

Before I could reply, Bucky’s grip on my arm tightened and he managed to bring me closer to him, crashing my back against his chest.

"you can't be here, Dot" he repeated, managing to hide his shakiness from her. "leave. Now" The same shakiness that wasn't able to hide from me.

Due to the lack of space between him and me, I could feel how his chest went up and down rapidly and unevenly.

"But listen baby, I'm sorry" she whispered, suddenly switching to 'angel' mode. "I'm really sorry, please let's talk this out, okay?" She took a hesitant step towards us and I subconsciously pushed Barnes back in a very subtle way. "c'mon, let's go and have breakfast, and we'll talk. Please, honey."

"What is she doing here? Who let you in?" Rogers appeared in my peripheral vision, walking fast towards us. "leave. Leave right fuckin' now"

"great" that Dot girl muttered, taking a exasperated sigh. "Steve, this is between James and me, so don't you take this bitch with you for me to-"

Steve made his way to the redhead and, grabbing her arm, he guided her out of the precinct.

I spun to face Barnes, who was quickly putting himself together. "what the hell was that about?"

"you always have to meddle in everyone's business" he spat, letting go of my arm "don't you?" I stayed silent while he went to his desk to grab his things. "Tell Captain Fury I wasn't feeling well." and with that, he left.

The following day he didn't even show up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This place's amazing!" Lexa, another one of my friends, exclaimed excited. "let's look for a free table"

The six of us wandered around for a while until we found a free table. "what do y'all wanna drink?" Joe asked, getting up.

Joe came a few minutes after with everyone's drinks and we chatted for a while. Again, I was almost able to forget about it, but then I saw him sitting on a stool, leaning over the bar top with his back turned to us.

"guys, I've something to do." I stated, grabbing my drink and getting up. "be right back." said that, I made my way to the stool besides his. "you didn't show up yesterday, nor today."

He frowned before moving his head to glance at me. "fuckin' hell..." he groaned, shifting to look at the wall full of bottles across us. "outta every fuckin' bars, you hadda come here?"

"gosh" I scoffed, taking a sip of my drink before mimicking his posture. "it's not like I'm looking for you, Barnes, so get your head out of your ass."

He huffed, letting out a humorless, dry laugh. "it's always a fuckin' pleasure to talk to you." I rolled my eyes and he looked over his shoulder. "come back with your friends, 'cause we've nothin' to talk 'bout"

I ran my fingers through my hair and, taking a deep breath, I glanced at him. "that girl, Dot" he went stiff and my heart sped up because, damn, I didn't want to be right, but it seemed like I actually was.

"what 'bout her?"

"is she really your wife?" I asked, tiptoeing around the topic. "we've been working together for seven months already, and you never mentioned her."

"she's mah wife. Kinda" he confirmed me, drinking all the alcohol in his glass. "anythin' else?"

"what happened between the two of you?" He let out a weird laugh, letting his forehead rest against the wooden surface. "You're drunk"

"not enough for this conversation" he groaned with a smirk on his face. The corners of my mouth twitched up at the view and something in his eyes seemed the lit up. "If you wanna stay" he took another look at my friends before turning back at me. "maybe at the end of the night I'll be drunk enough to talk 'bout it"

I pursed my lips in a tight line, staring into his eyes to see if he meant it, because I really really needed to know what happened between them.

After a couple of seconds, I turned to the barman "hey sweetheart" I called him "keep the shots coming here, will you?"

Barnes let out a chuckle, but this time it wasn't weird, and it wasn't dry. This time it was genuinely amused. "eager, are we?"

"you could say so, yeah" I replied, giving him the ghost of a smirk while the barman put the drinks in front of us.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Okay okay okay, but-" he started to laugh again and I nudged him "Nononono, listen-" a couple of giggles escaped my lips before I could keep going. "it's true!"

"it ain't true, darlin'." he said between giggles. "Romanoff 'n Stevie- that's insane"

"I'm tellin' you, Barnes" I replied, taking a swig of my beer. "one- don't laugh at me! One day we'll find 'em fuckin' in the office."

"You're crazy" he stated, finishing his beer.

"whatever" I looked at the clock. It was past 4 am already. "Barnes" I whined turned to him. "Tell me what happened between you and Dot, pretty please" I pouted at him, leaning over the bar top and getting a bit closer to him.

He groaned, leaving the beer aside to look at me. "ya really know how to spoil the mood"

"we're drunk as fuck already" I propped myself over my forearms, getting even closer to him. "c'mon Barnes."

With an exasperated sigh, he moved to tower me. "I swear, Y/n, you get me on my fuckin' nerves."

"I know, and I love to do it" his jaw clenched and his eyes traveled to my lips for a second. "you get me on my nerves too, y'know? But I don't care" he gave me a confused look "it's kinda... Our thing, so I don't mind it"

"You're sweet when you're drunk" he stated, half smiling at me. "wish you were this sweet all the time."

"nah" I retreated to my initial position with a teasing smirk on my face. "you love my rude ass side."

He stayed silent, which made me turn to him to check he was okay. "I do." he mumbled "I love your sweet side too." after taking another peak to my lips, he leaned on me and, without thinking twice, I closed the gap between us.

Our lips crashed and, while his right hand went to my cheek, his left traveled to my thigh. Letting out a muffled moan, I let my hands roam over his upper body. "let's get outta here" he mumbled against my jaw.

"yeah, let's get the hell outta here." I pulled away to clumsily grab my purse and pay the drinks, though t was a difficult task to accomplish with Barnes lips attacking my neck.

"you sure 'bout this?" he whispered, pulling me away from the bar top as soon as I had paid. " 'cause you're gonna regret this in the mornin'."

"I'm a grown ass woman" I replied, exiting the bar and pulling him into another sloppy kiss. "my place's near."

Within minutes, we were bursting into my house, tossing or clothes all over the place in our bumpy way to my room. "I'll tell you everythin' tomorrow" he mumbled, taking off his shirt. "I promise"

"Okay" I managed to say, unzipping my pants and letting him take them off. "I'll take your word for it"

He took off his remaining clothes and I did the same "Good" he groaned more than said, picking me up.

"Good" I echoed, letting him carry me to my bed.

Fuck, we were really going to regret this, but I couldn't care less.

[dreamworldisleen]

This is the process of the ENERGY make-over my dear Angels!

SHOW UP AND GLOW.

I often check-in with my energy and assess various areas my life (habits, environment, social surroundings, and circumstances). I try to see what needs cleaning up. I am a firm believer of “As within, so without- As above, so below”. If something in your external world is in disarray, what about your internal world can you begin to shift and take control of?

I am not saying it is your fault if bad things are happening- but I am saying that it is important to be honest about the reality of a situation and what you can and cannot control. Instead of wishing things were different, what can you do about the situations you are facing?  

I enjoy consciously engaging with energy- manifesting- transforming-and being the alchemist! What better way is there to pass the time? You may not actually even end up changing the circumstances you are facing- but in the process, you begin to nurture and grow so many positive areas in your life.

A wise friend once told me, “Why don’t you focus less on making the bad stuff smaller and more on making the good stuff bigger?” She said this during a very challenging time in my life. I was so focused on my past regrets, traumas, and mistakes (dark things…shadows that can’t be unseen or undone); I became disengaged and despondent. I had little desire to continue living. I had lost my lover, whom I had planned to marry, due to this darkness. The secrets we were both keeping ate us alive. We pushed issues to dark corners and quickly discovered how the sun always rises and reveals all we try to hide. I was separated from my family and friends and facing down obstacles that felt like a LACK of love, a LACK of money, and a LACK of purpose or direction.

But with my friend’s magic words, something inside of me began to shift. I was going to start planting seeds.

I believe by engaging in a process of internal transformation, we activate a powerful energy source within us. When I focus on cleaning up my internal world, my external reality simultaneously dances alongside me. Small things begin to change and clear up- and before long, the abundance starts pouring in.

While I still believe I have so much to be grateful for, I will be honest…there are some things that I am struggling with right now. There are some less than desirable situations that I am faced with and I have been called to challenge myself in the name of growth- to be brave and to be bold.  

A lot of what is worrying me is not within my control. Things like the thoughts, actions, and behaviors of others and the way future events may unfold. So here I am- back at the drawing board for my “energetic make-over”! Let’s get into magician mode and start planting seeds, dreaming, and doing- let’s get into beast-mode and happily walk away from the darkness. Let’s honor her and thank her for all the wisdom she imparted and then get our hands dirty preparing to launch our newfound desires. As Brother Ali said, “The Brighter the Light the Darker the Shadow”  

Ask yourself:

1.     What has the darkness taught me about what I truly desire in life?

2.     If my desires were to arrive tomorrow, would I be ready to receive them? Or do I have some work to do first? I like to think of this step as cleaning your house before having company over. After a bout with depression, I usually have to remove the pizza boxes, do a load of laundry, and clean the old journals and empty wine bottles off the floor. You may desire new love in your life- but if that person arrived at your door tomorrow, would the pizza boxes be gone? Would you be sober enough to have a good conversation or would you be too hungover in your pain to enjoy them?

3.     What seeds can I plant today to get me closer to what I truly desire? If you want to buy your dream home- you usually have to first clear up some old debt and find a solid source of income.

4.     What can I enjoy right now- in this moment? How can I expand that and use it as a resource to get me closer to my truest desires?

5.     Meditate, pray, and journal. Show up every day to check in with yourself- clear the clutter and be present to whatever is happening in your life. This is the process of surrender. Have faith in your own abilities and the powerful alchemy of source energy.

6.     Set and track your daily goals- the way you nurture your desires every day. Revisit the seeds you planted, water them, and keep your garden clean. Be ready for those huge oak trees that are on their way. I like to do this by creating a pretty visual to track thirty day challenges (like meditation, writing, running, yoga, reading- etc. even just drinking enough water. Whatever it is, keeping a visual reminds me every day that I love myself and I am nurturing my seeds. It reminds me to keep going in my process.

 I hope you will join me in this journey. Leave me some notes about what kind of alchemy you are doing in your own life! I would love to hear about what you are transmuting and how you are doing it. Let’s support each other. If you want more information like this- or a vlog on it- let me know.

Reading soon to come to explore this more deeply.

[kaixinsoh]

Final Project: Personal Brand Guide

Date: 31 Mar-17 Apr 2021, Week 11-13

Brief: Work on brand identity by creating a publication in the form of a brand style guide. You have two options to choose from: 1) Self-Identity OR 2) Department of Communications & New Media. Create a Brand Style Guide that includes 3 collateral: logo, business card, 1-2 page resume.

Introduction:

The person who originally coined the term "personal branding" was Tom Peters, who wrote an article called "The Brand Called You" in 1997. In the article, he wrote:

Today, in the Age of the Individual, you have to be your own brand...You’re branded, branded, branded, branded.

However, since Peters wrote that article in 1997, personal branding has evolved, developed and morphed in something wholly different from what he expected. Today, everyone and anyone has a social media page with their own manufactured "brand" or persona. In an interview with AIGA, Peters said:

“The thing that pisses me off about the interpretation of my article is that people have said that ‘Brand You’ is about marketing yourself...That is absolutely, antithetically not the case. It is about you being perceived as a person of value… It’s almost anti-marketing.”

Note: click on the images to enlarge and see in higher resolution if they appear blurry

Thus, inspired by Tom Peter's concept of "personal branding" as well as my own personal values of being creative, unconventional and personal, I wanted to create a personal brand that cheekily subverted how we commonly "package" ourselves to create a manufactured, commoditised and inauthentic image or identity of ourselves.

Developmental process:

Logo

For logo design 1, I was inspired by Sheryl Sandberg, who said: Don't package yourself.

"Products are marketed... But people are not that simple. We're not packaged. And when we are packaged, we are ineffective and inauthentic."

Inspired by stickers and labels pasted on fruits, I thought - why not design my own personal logo as a sticker, as a reference to product labels and stickers? Since my name "Kai Xin" means happiness in Chinese, and my cheerfulness and optimism is one of the most important traits of my personality, I wanted to infuse that same form of cheeky sense of humour and sunniness in my brand. Therefore, I designed a yellow sticker with a smiley face, with the eyes formed by my initials "K" and "X". For the font for the letters "K" and "X", I used Fredoka One, as it was a rounded, modern-looking typeface that conveyed the quirky, friendly and fun personality I have.

For logo design 2, I wanted to design a barcode for myself, to reinforce the idea of me being a product for sale. (Fun fact: the lines on the barcode actually spell out my name "soh kai xin" if you scanned it with a barcode scanner.)

For logo design 3, I was inspired by the following quotes by Roy Disney...

"Branding is something you do to cows...Branding is what you do when there’s nothing original about your product."

...as well as Austin Kleon, who said:

“Brand.” (That awful word! As if we’re all cattle with our owner’s mark burned into our flesh.)

Therefore, after researching on the design of cattle brands used by cow ranchers to brand on their cows, I thought the way that these brands had the initials of the owners was quite interesting, and designed a cattle brand of myself for myself, spelling out my initials "KX".

However, I did think that the concept behind logo design 3 would probably be difficult for people to understand and the design appeared quite simplistic.

"For logo design 3," Sun Yee said, "I couldn't really grasp if there was any concept or quality of yours that you had intended to portray other that it being the initials of your name." Charmaine also added, "I personally feel that logo design 3 would not be in my list."

I agreed with my tutor Aaron, who said, "The barcode logo concept seems to work the best in unifying the ideas that you have for the name cards and resumes."

Iwani said, "Since the barcode plays a crucial part in your logo, you may want to consider imbuing your name in it?" and Ning Zhuang added, "for the barcode, I think your name drowns out compared to the barcode since it's taking up way more space, maybe you can play around with space more."

Based on their feedback, I decided to go with logo design 2 - the barcode logo. I experimented more with different design variations by imbuing my name in the logo (as Iwani suggested) and by playing around with space and making the name more prominent (as Ning Zhuang suggested):

The original three logos are depicted in the 1st row above.

I tried incorporating my name within the barcode (2nd row, above), but found that it was a little difficult to read with all the lines.

I scanned a print of my fingerprint (which symbolises my identity and self) and cut a section out of it to resemble the lines in the barcode (3rd row, centre, above), but I felt that people seeing it might not understand clearly that it was a reference to my fingerprint.

I also experimented with typography, such as by using only a K in the logo (3rd row, right & 4th row, left), but I decided against it as (1) just a single K wouldn't be able to show my name and (2) it didn't resemble a barcode as much.

Finally, I decided to go with a more minimalist approach combining my name and the barcode.

To make my name more prominent (as opposed to the original 1st design, where the name was placed at the bottom and the font size was quite small), I increased the font size of my name and adjusted the kerning such that it fit the width of the barcode exactly. To put emphasis on my name, I shifted it to the top of the barcode. To show that my self was inseparable from me as a product of society, I combined the name and barcode. Using the Rectangle Tool, I drew the lines on the barcode to combine them with the name, such that it looked as if the lines flowed seamlessly from the letters to the barcode. Finally, as the entire barcode looked a little too large and lacked a sense of balance (since the barcode portion was larger than the name portion), I masked the bottom of the barcode such that the height of the barcode portion was exactly the same height as the name.

Name card

I came up with three ideas for the name card.

Name card design 1

For name card design 1, based on the initial concept of product stickers for logo design 1, I thought - "Why not use a sticker pack instead of a conventional name card?" I thus created 6 sticker designs that deconstructed the elements of a name card, including a logo, name, contact number, email, what I do etc.

For the stickers, I experimented with a variety of shapes and text styles. For example, for the "I'm a person not a product" sticker, I began with the Ellipse Tool to draw a white ellipse. I then duplicated the shape and made a smaller yellow ellipse, to create an outlined effect. Then, I selected the shape of the ellipse and transformed the Selection to Path. Using the Move Tool, I transformed the Path and made it into a smaller ellipse within the larger yellow ellipse so as to type the text in the shape of the ellipse. I first typed the first half of the message "I am a person" on top, then created a new Type layer for the second half "not a product", using the Path Selection Tool to move the path so that the text would be aligned at the bottom of the ellipse. On top of that, I added a paper texture on Multiply mode and a plastic texture on Screen mode to make it look more realistic.

This was done for the rest of the stickers, such as the phone sticker, where I similarly made a Path from Selection in the shape of the phone and typed my contact number, or the "Creative Designer" sticker, where I began with a Custom Shape layer and adjusted the Live Shape Properties to increase the number of points on the star from 5 to 30 to get a starburst shape. Subsequently, I typed the text and used the Warp Text function to make the shape of the text follow a wave, then added textures on top.

One of my classmates Ning Zhuang commented that "for name card design 1, I do think it'll be quite hard to decipher as a formal business card if it's all going to layout in a sticker pack." Although I really liked the stickers and thought it made sense in terms of my personal branding concept, I agreed with her and thus decided not to use it as a name card, but instead as a separate collateral as a sticker pack.

Name card design 2

For name card design 2, I went with a more creative and unorthodox concept for a name card. Rather than a "card", why not represent me literally as a packaged product, like a toy figurine in a pack?

Name card design 3

For name card design 3, I used a more conventional format of a card, but instead of a regular name card, I designed it to resemble a product label. The name card would be printed with a product description of myself, with the product name (my name), product content, ingredients, as well as my barcode logo. I also used common packaging labels like "Boxed" or "Fragile, handle with care", but instead put a creative twist on them by changing them to "Thinks out of the box", "Anti-fragile" and "Handles things with care".

Ning Zhuang said, "Love the idea of name card design 3" but asked, "is there a meaning behind using the grams and ml?"

The original intention behind putting Creative (100g), Graphic Designer (50ml) and Creative Writer (50ml) was to play with the way nutritional information of products are usually presented, with units of measurements like grams and millilitres. It was meant to convey that I am half a designer (50ml) and half a writer (50ml) - put it together and you get 100% creativity. Based on the feedback, I thus decided to make it clearer by changing it to percentages - 50% Graphic Designer, 50% Creative Writer and 100% Creative.

Resume

For my resume, I decided to present it in the format of a receipt.

As receipts are used to represent goods that have been bought and sold, and are a proof of purchase, I thought that it would be effective and appropriate to represent my resume as a "proof" of my qualifications. Also, it represents how designers/creatives like myself are often seen as "sell outs" who become commoditised products for sale or for hire by businesses.

To make it look like a receipt, I scanned a crumpled piece of paper and used it as a background. Then, using the Lasso Tool, I cut it to the shape of a receipt. Next, I added my barcode logo on top, along with contact details, like how the details and name of a shop would be on the top of a receipt. Then, I added the list of my education and work experience below and added the dates on the right (like the list of products and prices on a receipt). I chose to use the typeface Monaco, as it was a mono-spaced sans-serif font that resembles the font commonly used for printing on receipts.

Comments raised during the critique:

For the final critique in Week 13, Kai En pointed out, "just one minor thing that I wanted to point your attention to- all along your name has been rendered in lowercase, not sure if you want to keep to the same treatment for your name card that is currently in Title Case?"

Iwani said, "for your resume, you may want to consider bolding the headers/company titles to emphasize the visual hierarchy?"

How the work has improved post-critique:

Based on the feedback, I decided to change the title on my name card into all lowercase, as Kai En pointed out, to keep it consistent with my barcode logo. I also bolded the company titles on the resume to emphasise the subheadings, as Iwani suggested.

Syn Yee had also commented, "while I liked your logo idea as a barcode, I thought maybe your name could be slightly apart from the barcode itself just to make the text look clearer. Because it appeared to me a little cluttered when you put both elements attached to each other". However, as I had previously already played around with different compositions for the barcode logo (see above), and had deliberately combined the name and barcode together as a form of commentary to show how our personal identities and selves couldn't be separated from our identity or image as a product of society, I decided that I would stick with the logo composition.

In addition, even though this wasn't explicitly mentioned in the feedback, I noticed that the handwriting font I had used for captions and sub-body text in my initial presentation, Reenie Beenie, was a bit difficult to read. I had originally chosen the typeface because I wanted to give a sense of authenticity to my personal branding and include a handwritten sort of feel that made it feel as though the brand was created by a person, not a product. However, for my final brand style guide, I decided to remove the Reenie Beenie font and use Monaco for my body text, as it was (1) more in line with my brand identity and (2) more legible.

Finally, this resulted in the final brand style guide.

[noona-clock]

Better? - Part 2

I was going to write this even if nobody asked for it BUT SOMEONE DID!!! Praise. Tagging @vrutivru so you’ll see that it’s posted!

Genre: Vampire!AU

Pairing: Jaebum x You

By Admin B

Part 1, 2, 3, 4

When you realized what you were doing - kissing Jaebum - you pulled away, your eyes wide with panic and confusion. And when you looked at Jaebum, you saw his expression was just about identical to your own.

“I -- I --” you stammered, momentarily forgetting about the fact you were currently stuck in a dark elevator. Because Jaebum had just confessed to you. And you had responded by kissing him. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Jaebum replied. “I didn’t mean to just... blurt it out like that. I never meant to tell you, actually.”

Your brow furrowed at his statement, and you immediately got defensive. “Why not? Were you afraid I would attack you or something?”

“No! Y/N, that’s not it at all.”

“Then why did you never plan on telling me?”

“Because I know you’re not interested in me,” he explained. “I would just be making a fool out of myself telling you how I feel. Well, I did make a fool out of myself.”

“Okay, but you can’t really say that because I kissed you,” you reminded him.

“But your anxiety and adrenaline are both through the roof, causing biological shifts in your brain. You reacted erratically, of course.”

“Do you always have to be so... scientific?”

“...Yes? I’m a doctor.”

“You know what I mean,” you scoffed. “What if I kissed you because I just wanted to?”

“Did you?”

“I don’t know!”

“I rest my case.”

You huffed and crossed your arms over your chest, now thoroughly annoyed with him. But before he could say anything back, the lights came back on, and the elevator started moving.

“Aha! There we go,” he murmured, standing and turning the flashlight off on his phone.

“Do we still have to do tests?” you whined as you carefully stood back up. Your legs were still a bit shaky.

“We might as well! You’re here, we’re on the fifth floor now the power came back on...”

“Ugh, fine.” You followed Jaebum out of the elevator once the doors opened. He led you down the hall into the lab, instructing you to sit while he got the instruments he would need to draw your blood.

“Arm,” he said, waiting for you to hold your arm out so he could try and take your blood pressure. He wrapped the cuff around your bicep, squeezing the pump until it felt like your arm was going to fall off.

“Mmm,” he murmured. “Just as I thought.”

“What? What’s just as you thought? I don’t have blood pressure?”

“No, you do. It’s just very high.”

“Oh. Why would you think it would be high?”

“Because you were just in panic mode in the elevator. Your pulse will probably be too high to draw blood. Try to calm down, okay?”

“Oh, yeah, sure. Let me calm down after being stuck in a dark elevator and kissing you. Yep, I can do that. Easy peasy,” you replied sarcastically, rolling your eyes.

“Okay, then, you’ll just have to come back another time.”

“Or you can just forget about running your little tests on me at all,” you snapped. First, you got stuck in the elevator, allowing Jaebum to see just how terrified dark, enclosed spaces made you. Second, he sprang that confession on you out of nowhere. Third, you had kissed him out of nowhere. And now, apparently, your pulse was too high for him to draw blood. You shouldn’t even have a pulse! YOU’RE DEAD! All of this added up to make you one extremely annoyed, pissed off vampire.

You ripped the blood pressure cuff off your arm and stormed out.

You’d had your feed for the week, so you shouldn’t get hungry for a while... Maybe it was time you took a vacation. You realized now you hadn’t done anything relaxing since you’d been turned, and you deserved a break. Even vampires deserve breaks, okay?!

By the time you arrived back at your apartment, you were a bit calmer. But you still wanted to leave town for a couple days to refresh and reset. So you grabbed your laptop and looked for an AirBnb within a couple hours’ driving distance.

After searching through dozens of options, you found a quaint little cabin located in the nearby mountain range. You had loved visiting the mountains with your family growing up; your vacations there had always been so peaceful and relaxing. It sounded like just what you needed right now.

You booked it for tomorrow night, wishing you could just leave now. You were irrationally scared that Jaebum would try to contact you to, like... talk about what had happened. That was the last thing you wanted.

You spent the rest of your night packing and shopping for everything you might need at a secluded cabin. At the store, you made a mental list of what you would have packed for meals.

You really missed food. Pizza, especially.

You had tried to eat a few times before, but nothing tasted the same. It was all bland and dry, no matter which food you tasted. It was the worst.

You managed to get through the night without hearing from Jaebum, and when you woke up the next evening, still nothing.

Thank God.

As soon as the sun was completely down, you packed up your car and headed out, blasting your favorite road trip music through your speakers. You were looking forward to this more than anything you could remember recently.

When you arrived at the cabin a couple of hours later, you made sure to unpack everything before going to explore. It was currently freezing outside, and while you didn’t really feel weather like you used to, you still bundled up. For old time’s sake. And you didn’t want to have to explain yourself if you ran into anyone.

You walked for what seemed like hours, enjoying the mountain air, the peace, and quiet. It really was just what you’d needed.

After coming back from your walk, you spent the rest of your night reading, playing solitaire, and doing your best not to think about Jaebum. And you... kind of... succeeded. Until you went to sleep just before dawn.

He showed up in your dreams. Multiple times. You woke up sporadically, but every time you fell back asleep... there he’d be.

When it was finally dark enough to get up, you did what you normally did upon waking: you checked your phone.

GOD DAMN IT. There was a message from the dream lurker himself. You rolled your eyes as you opened it, but then when you actually saw the message... you were confused.

Why would he need to bring you blood? You’d just fed the other day. And you always went to him.

...Oh, shit.

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