#felt like shit the past couple of days and nothing has made me better but this is a pleasant surprise
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the-holy-ghosted · 7 months ago
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sometimes i forget that my favorite actors are still working and appearing in new things and for a brief and beautiful moment the world is so bright and beautiful
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thetarsier · 2 years ago
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Hiii I’ve been checking your blog and I love it, can I request secret relationship with Hotch? Like, Jack reveals your secret by accident by calling reader mom or smthn like that ❤️❤️❤️
a/n: I LOVE this.
Word Count: 2k
Warnings/notes: sickness (but like fever, not actually being sick), Derek Morgan being a little shit, not proofread
<3: aaron hotchner x reader
When you’d woken up that morning to Jack coughing and sneezing his little heart out, you’d known what kind of day it was going to be. 
Seeing his condition, it was obvious that he shouldn’t be going to school, and once Aaron had woken up, too, he’d agreed. However, there was work to be done in the office for both of you, and you didn’t want to risk getting Jessica’s children sick, too. The only option was to bring Jack into the office. He could sleep on Aaron’s couch for the day, and then go home to bed straight after. It wasn’t perfect, but it would have to do. 
As usual, you and Aaron took separate cars to work, you parked nowhere near each other, and Aaron always waited at least five minutes after you’d exited your car to leave his. All countermeasures to keep the keen eyes of your coworkers away from the two of you and your well-hidden relationship. 
It hadn’t been going on for long - just under a year - but things had moved quickly, and you basically lived with Aaron and Jack, only going back to your apartment occasionally when you and Aaron decided it would be best for him and Jack to be alone. You loved the both of them from wherever you were, staying with them was just a way to love them a little bit closer. 
And, boy, was there love. Much to your surprise, Jack had called you ‘mom’ the other day by accident, which led to you going back to your apartment while he and Aaron had a conversation about Haley. You felt flattered that he’d felt so safe and loved around you that the name had been given to you, and Aaron assured you that he wasn’t upset about it. 
When you’d gotten back, Jack had hugged you tightly around your neck and whispered: “My mommy is watching over me, and you do that, too. So you’re also my mom. Dad said that I could call you that if I wanted to.”
“Yeah? You want to, buddy?” You’d asked, fighting back your tears. 
“Yeah! D’you want to come play?” He brushed off the issue as if it were nothing, pulling away from you and grabbing your hand instead, leading you into the living room where his toys were. 
That lively boy had been replaced now by a quiet, sick one, and you tried not to be distracted by the sounds of him coughing in Aaron’s office. You had paperwork to do. You were supposed to be working. Jack had his father, and Penelope, who seemed to be making more trips to the water cooler today than she ever had before.
“God, it’s awful, isn’t it?” JJ’s words made you turn your attention to her from where you’d been staring at the door of Aaron’s office. 
“Sorry?”
“Hearing children in pain. It never gets better. It’s actually worse once you have a child,” She shook her head, “I wish there was something I could do.”
“Yeah,” You said on an exhale, shuffling some of your papers to give your hands a task, “I might go and see if they need anything, actually.”
“I doubt it. Hotch probably has everything Jack could need right in there,” JJ patted your shoulder as she continued her walk past your desk, “You don’t want to risk catching whatever he has.”
You nodded, swallowing as you looked down at your computer. You had to focus. If you went in there, all of the secrecy that you and Aaron had worked for would be put under a microscope. If Jack found comfort in you, like you knew he would, if Aaron let you stay with him in his office when he’d kicked everyone else out within a couple of minutes, every separate car journey to work would be rendered useless. 
Profilers were a nuisance. They saw everything, every minute shift in behaviour. They would definitely notice the signs of a relationship between you and your boss. 
“You okay, pretty girl?” Morgan asked as he came up behind you, placing his hands on your tense shoulders, “You’ve been staring at your computer screen for a while.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m just distracted.” 
He didn’t seem to buy it. Or, rather, he did, he just knew that there was a deeper reason as to why you were distracted that you weren’t mentioning. His fingers pushed into your shoulders as if he were trying to knead the secrets out of you. 
“Oh, I get it,” He mumbled next to your ear and your heart rate began to pick up, “Someone’s got a new boyfriend.”
“What?” You squeaked, turning in your chair and forcing Morgan’s hands from you, “What are you talking about?”
“You’re checking your phone a lot, you’re distracted, you’re happier recently; all signs point to good sex.”
“Derek! This is a work environment.”
“You’re not denying it,” He grinned, leaning on his own desk that was right behind yours, “So you do have a guy.”
“No! No.” You squirmed under his knowing gaze, dropping your shoulders as you let out a sigh, “Okay, yes. Yes, I do. Now, will you leave me alone to do my work?”
He cheered loudly in success, but your worried glance around the space forced him to quieten down, and after he didn’t make any other noises for a few seconds, the eyes in the office that had been drawn to the two of you quickly left again. 
“Just…” You turned back to your computer, “Don’t mention anything to anyone, okay?”
“Only if you answer one question: was I right? Is the sex good?”
You imagined what Derek’s reaction might be if he realised he was talking about his boss, the thought almost put a smile on your face. Instead, you glared at him over your shoulder, and he raised a challenging eyebrow at you. 
“Hey, baby girl-” He shouted across the office while holding eye contact with you. 
“No! Okay fine,” You leaned closer to him, speaking in a hushed whisper, “The answer to your question is yes.”
His shit-eating grin only grew wider at your answer, and when Penelope approached the two of you, Derek made an excuse of asking her out to lunch, and the two of them left the office together. You could finally relax. 
Until the sound of Jack’s coughing punctured through the air again. 
As much as Derek annoyed you (much like an older sibling), he was brilliant at distracting you from everything going on in your life. And even though you were sure that he was telling Penelope your secret at that very moment, you couldn’t help but be a little bit grateful that you’d managed to tear your mind away from the child in Aaron’s office.
It was scary to think about what could happen if the people in your office found out about you and Aaron. As a woman, it was undoubted that you would get at least one comment about sleeping your way to the top, and even though HR knew about your relationship in order to keep professionalism, you couldn’t imagine the kinds of issues that might arise with other agents if they all knew about your relationship. People could be made uncomfortable, or accuse Aaron of preferential treatment; your jobs could be on the line. 
But, then again, it would relieve a huge weight off your shoulders. You wouldn’t have to worry about taking separate cars, waiting in the parking lot, or having to stay away from the person who brought you the most comfort when you were really in need of a hug. 
No. No, you couldn’t be public about your relationship until either one of you didn’t work at the BAU anymore, which you were sure wouldn’t be happening any time soon. 
The door to Aaron’s office opened, and Jack appeared, holding Aaron’s hand and a blanket that he hadn’t let go of since he’d left the house. You tried to seem unfazed, glueing your eyes to your paperwork, but your heart beamed out of your chest when Jack pulled Aaron to a stop right beside your desk. 
“Hey, you feeling okay, buddy?” You asked, keeping your voice gentle. The burn of about a dozen pairs of eyes suddenly became apparent.
Which was why, when Jack held his arms up to be brought up into your lap, loudly exclaiming ‘Mommy!’ as you hesitantly pulled him up, you knew there was no way you could hide. Even if he hadn’t said anything, the way he melted into you, wrapping his arms around you and burying his face in your neck, was probably a dead giveaway. 
“Oh, sweetheart,” You cooed as you rubbed his back, looking up at Aaron, who was shielding you somewhat with his body as he leaned against your desk, watching you with a hint of a smile, “It’s okay, baby. You’ll feel all better soon, I promise.”
“How soon is soon?” Jack groaned into your skin, and you kissed his hot cheek.
“Really, really soon, buddy, okay?”
You continued rubbing his back as the people around you pretended to continue on with their tasks. Aaron rolled Derek’s desk chair from behind his desk and pulled it up next to you and Jack, lips stretching into a thin line. 
“He was upset, asking for you. I thought I’d rather he be happy than us protect ourselves,” He explained in a low voice, “I probably should have asked.”
“It’s alright,” You assured him, “I’m glad you brought him out, it’s been killing me all day. What are we going to tell everyone?”
“I’ll tell them to mind their own business,” He placed a hand on your knee, away from the view of everyone else, “We did everything right, telling HR but keeping it a secret from the team. It can be a sort of… relief that we don’t have to sneak around anymore.”
“Yeah, you’re right. We should get him back to your office,” Jack had fallen asleep against you, so you stood up carefully, keeping his head still with one hand cradling it, “Morgan will be back soon, and we should probably figure out a strategy to best tell him-”
“Oh!” Came a shout across the office as you and Aaron were halfway up the stairs. You squeezed your eyes shut, not believing in your bad luck, and Aaron turned around to look at Morgan, “Hotch is the secret boyfriend?”
“Watch your volume, Morgan,” Aaron warned, “As much as it may not seem like it, you’re still at work.” The ‘And don’t you dare wake up my son’ was implied, but Jack did nothing more than wiggle around in your arms at the loud noises.
“Oh, man,” Derek grinned as you and Aaron continued to walk up the stairs to his office, “I know something about you, Hotch.” 
His taunts were blocked out by Aaron opening his office door for you and closing it behind himself, twisting the lock and pulling the blinds as you set Jack down on his sofa and tucked his blanket around him. 
“What is he talking about?” Aaron asked once you’d stood up, hands coming to rest on your waist in a way they never had while you two were at work.
You relished in his touch, morphing it into a hug as you wound your arms over his shoulders. At home, he was always touching you, always somewhere close, but it was different - new - in his office, where the only things exchanged between the two of you were longing looks and papers. 
“Nothing you need to worry about.”
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whatdoeseverybodywant · 7 months ago
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Rebuild & Restore - Chapter 9
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I do NOT give permission for my work to be translated or reposted on here or any other site, even if you give me credit. DO NOT REPOST MY FICS
Reblogs, comments, likes, and feedback ALWAYS appreciated ❤ 
All OC Characters belong to me
All Falls Down (Prequel)
Series Masterlist
Special shoutout to @paigereeder without her this chapter would not have gotten done! 🫶🏽
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Kiyana stared off in the direction that Elijah had walked off in, rubbing her arm in the spot that he had grabbed. “Oh naw, he ain’t getting away with this shit.” She muttered as she stormed towards Alexis’ room. She knew how it felt to have a cheated husband and she would never want another woman to feel the way she had. 
“Oh, Kiyana! Bae this is the girl I was telling you about.” Alexis smiled at Kiyana as she walked into the room. “Thank you for paging him. I don’t know what he has a phone for, he never answers it.” Alexis teased her husband, staring up at him with adoration and love in her eyes and Kiyana felt like she was gonna throw up right then and there. It made her sick to know that Elijah was nothing more than a cheating sociopath, just like Josh. 
“Well, I'm happy to help.” Kiyanna finally responded, having to tear her eyes away from the couple in front of her. Her eyes kept wandering down to his wedding ring and all she could think was ‘how could I be so stupid.’  This man was married with THREE kids that he failed to mention. How sick can one person actually be? 
Kiyana checked on Alexis and the baby, not looking in Eli’s direction, even though she felt his eyes on her. His cheating, deceiving eyes.  “Everything looks good right now. If you need anything, just hit that red button right there and someone will come to help.” Kiyana recited the lines from the employee handbook perfectly before turning and walking out of the room before Elijah or Alexis could say anything. 
She closed her eyes and leaned against the closed door, letting out a breath before walking over to the nurses station. “Girl, you still taking care of her?” When Kiyana nodded, Debra shook her head. “You better than me.”  
“I wanted to tell her so bad how much of a scumbag her husband is” Kiyana spat out. Eyes narrowing on the door to room 302. “But something in me just couldn’t. Maybe cause I’ve been in her position before.” Kiyana shrugs, looking down at her bare left hand and frowning. 
Your ex-husband cheated on you?” Debra asked, giving Kiyana a look of pity, which Kiyana ignored. 
“Yup, he um- he cheated on me while I was pregnant with our youngest.. With some chick he worked with.. Same exact situation, different roles.” Kiyana said as she made eye contact with Elijah who had just walked out of the hospital room. He walked past the nurses station, head held high as he ignored the glare Debra was sending his way. 
“If you wanna go home. It’s okay. I’ll cover for you.” Kiyana shook her head. 
“Nope. I am sick and tired of letting men ruin my day.” 
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“Daddy can we go see mommy at work?” Josh stopped searching his mother’s refrigerator for something for his boys to eat and checked his watch. 11:54 am.  it was almost time for Kiyana to go to lunch anyway. 
“Yeah, we can do that. Go tell grandma we leaving.” He said sending Kaiden to do his dirty work. Talisua was beyond pissed at him, ever since he told her he crashed Kiyana’a date a couple of days ago. She had called him selfish and insensitive. He agreed with the selfish part, because he was, he wholeheartedly agreed with that. He wanted Kiyana to himself and he was going to do everything in his power to get his wife… ex-wife back. 
“You couldn’t come tell me you were leaving on your own?” Talisua asked as she walked into the kitchen holding Kairo and Josh sighed. 
“Ma’, I don’t wanna fight with you.” 
“I don’t wanna fight with you neither son. I just want you to understand how unfair you are being to Kiyana.” Josh sighed again and resisted the urge to roll his eyes, not waiting to get smacked upside his head. “She deserves to move on.” 
“And I deserve a chance to fix my mess. To make everything right again.” Josh stressed, staring his mom down, he was tired of hearing that Kiyana needs to move on, because no the hell she doesn’t. “Pops cheated on you and had Melvania and you still stayed with him and had four kids. He deserved a second chance, so why don’t I?” For the first time in 38 years, Josh had stumped his mom. He knew bringing up his father’s cheating ways was mean and unnecessary, but he needed to get his point across. 
“Me and your father were not married though Joshua! He didn’t break a vow to me like how you did to Kiyana.” 
“That’s not fair ma’” Josh shot back. “Pops wanted to make things right and you let him, why are you giving me a hard time when I’m trying to do the same?” Talisua’s features softened as she walked closer to her son and grabbed his hand. 
“Son, it’s not the same. I know you wanna fix things with Kiyana. I would love it if y’all were back on the same page, but you hurt her. You hurt her during one of the toughest moments of her life because of your selfishness. Yes, your father has made mistakes but he allowed me to work through my pain on my own, he gave me space and that’s what you’re not giving Kiyana.” 
“Space? She already went on a damn date mom!” Josh responded, raising his voice. "I know I messed up, I admit that. But I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix things. Kiyana means everything to me."
“Joshua,” Talisua said softly, squeezing his hand gently, “I know how much she means to you but, She needs space okay? Just let her come back to you.” Josh shook head head 
“Nah, I can’t just sit back and watch while she dates other men. I can’t do that.” 
“Then, I can’t help you Josh. You’re own your own.” Talisua handed Kairo over before walking out of the kitchen. 
“We don’t need her,” Josh muttered to a smiling Kairo. “You’ll help me get mommy back right?”  Josh let out a sigh before calling out to Kaiden, “Kai, come on. Let’s go see mommy!”  
As Josh and his two boys were heading towards his truck, he let out a groan as he saw Joe leaning against it. 
“Uncle Joe!” Kaiden called out, letting go of his fathers hand and running towards Joe, who swooped down and picked him up.
“Man whatcho’ big ass  doin’ here?”  Josh asked, unlocking his car door and placing Kairo in his carseat. 
“I ain't come to argue with you.” Joe said softly. “Jon said you might be here and I just wanted to talk,”  Josh sucked his teeth and moved to the driver's side, starting the car and rolling the windows down. “Josh, I told you the other day I was sorry about how all that shit went down with Kiyana.” 
“Aye Uce,” Josh chuckled bitterly,  “You fucked my wife. Then called me so I could hear it!” Josh seethed, damn-near snatching Kaiden out of Joe’s arms. “You lucky you not six feet underground.”
Joe and Josh stood there staring at each other. Josh’s eyes were filled with hate and anger while Joes’ was filled with regret and sadness about how this whole situation went. He still believed in his heart that Kiyana deserves someone better than Josh, but he also knew that the love that they had for each other was genuine and real. Joe would be a hypocrite if he held Josh accountable for his cheated, it’s not like Joe hasn’t cheated on his girlfriends in the past. 
“Look I’m sorry alright? I don’t wanna fight with you no more Josh. I miss my favorite cousin.” Josh’s eyes softened at Joe’s confession. 
“Daddy, I thought we were going to see mommy?” Kaiden interrupted the two of them and Joe looked at Josh with hopeful eyes. 
“Y’all going to see Key? Can I come? I was going to see her before I left for Miami.” Josh started shaking his head, he opened his mouth to tell him no but Kaiden spoke again. 
“Hurry! Or we’re gonna miss mommy!” Kaiden yelled out growing inpatient. 
“Fine, Get in the damn car Uce.” Josh grunted out, lip curling in disgust as Joe opened his passenger side door and slid his big ass in. 
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12:00 pm. 
Kiyana leaped from her chair and grabbed her bag immediately heading for the elevator. “Take as long as you want!" Debra called out and Kiyana gave a thumbs up in return just as the elevator doors closed. Since there was a ban on cell phones during work hours, she had to wait to tell Samara all about Elijah and his lying, cheating ass
She let out a curse as she looked down at her arm where Elijah had grabbed, a nasty bruise had formed. Just looking at the bruise had her blood boiling. ‘I should go back up there and tell his wife everything.’ She thought as the elevator doors opened up on the ground floor. 
Kiyana had pulled up Samara’s contact and was about to press call when a loud “MOMMY!”  echoed around the surprisingly quiet main entrance. An immediate smile was on Kiyana’s face as she recognized her son’s voice. 
“Kai!” Kiyana called out, kneeling down and capturing him in a tight hug that she needed at that moment.  
“Hi mommy, I miss you.” Kaiden muttered into the shirt of her scrubs and it took everything in Kiyana not to burst into tears right there as she placed a kiss to the top of his head. 
“I miss you too Kai.” 
“Damn, I be gone weeks at a time and he’s never ran to me like that” Kiyana rolled her eyes with a chuckle before turning towards Josh and… Joe? Who was pushing Kairo in his stroller. Her eyes widened as she took in the two Samoans. 
“What the fuck?” She whispered. She tried to asked him what he was doing there, but all she could muster was another , “What the fuck?” 
As Kiyana stood to her full height, the bruise on her arm caught Josh's attention. “What’s that?” He asked, drawing Joe’s attention to the bruise as well.
“Oh, it’s nothing, I bumped into something earlier.” She muttered, looking anywhere but at Josh and that's when he knew she was lying. 
“Kiyana.” He narrowed his eyes on her. “That shit wasn’t there this morning.” 
“Josh, please.” She pleaded. “Y’all came here to eat, so let's go do that.” She said grabbing Kaiden’s hand and walking towards the cafeteria but Josh grabbed her other hand, stopping her. “Josh, stop” She whispered and he shook his head. 
“It was that nut ass dude you went out with wasn’t it?” 
“Aye, he put his hands on you KiKi?” Joe chimed in and Kiyana’s bottom lip quivered and that’s when Josh lost it. 
Josh's jaw was clenched tight as he asked her, “Where he at Kiyana? He thinks he can put his hands on you and get away with it?” 
Kiyana shook her head,  "Josh, please," she pleaded again, placing her hand on his chest, trying her hardest to calm him down, but he was pissed and past the point of calming down. “We got the kids here.” 
“And they need to see what happens when someone puts their hands on their mama. I don’t play that shit Key, divorced or not.” The elevator doors opened and Kiyana cursed as Josh’s eyes zeroed in on Elijah. “You put your fucking hands on my wife?” Josh called out and before Elijah could even comprehend what was going on, Josh walked up and threw a mean right hook, knocking Elijah down to the ground. 
The security guard, who had overhead what Elijah did, took his time getting up from his seat. He stretched and yawned before slowly making his way over to them. Kiyana took the stroller from Joe and pushed him in Josh’s direction, “Please do something!” She called out, covering Kaiden’s eyes so he wouldn’t see what his dad was doing. 
“Josh.. Josh come on man, you got him.” Joe said as he pulled Josh off of Elijah but not without getting his own kicks in. 
“Alright, that's enough” The security guard called out as he finally made his way over to them. 
“This shit ain’t over!” Josh called out to Elijah who was holding his jaw, glaring at him. “Imma catch ya’ bum ass again!” Josh pushed the guard away from him and grabbed Kiyana's hand, leading her out of the hospital. 
“And don’t put your hands on my mommy again!” 
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Welp... Honestly.... i can't write a fight scene to save my life but imma work on it and trust, this aint the last time Josh gon get his hands on Elijah!
If then ending seems rushed, I apologize it is 3:35 am and I wanted to get this out b/c I won't have any time later on in the day to publish 🙃.
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loserlvrss · 5 months ago
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꒰ 𝐔𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄 ꒱ 김정수
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summary : no one was crazy enough to go out in a storm, but you really wanted to spend time with your boyfriend while he recorded… unfortunately the power goes out
genre : fluff, jungsu x afab!reader, established relationship tws : language, mentions of catcalling/harassment, crying for like a second (you would too, okay?) author notes : back on my boyfriend agenda (joo is fine dw about him sound asleep i promise) word count : 1.5k
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“you’re soaked,” 
you laughed. “no shit,” you replied, pushing past the man in the doorway. “it’s storming out.” the room was dim, only lit by a couple mood lights in the ceiling (that were easily adjustable). it was to support the atmosphere of the recording room. there was also an orange hue that made you squint, trying to adjust to it, as opposed to the bright fluorescence of the hallway. 
“are you alright?” he asked, closing the door with a small click. “did you have any trouble getting here?”
“besides being cat-called on the train a couple times?” you joked, but also not really. “men and their standards, i tell you. they go crazy for some ankle.” you pulled the heavy (from the rain) hoodie over your head, wringing your hair out as best you could with it. “but, don't worry, baby, i started twitching so he thought i was tweaking.” 
“y/n,” he stopped your movements, catching your wrist. you looked at him sideways, a smile creeping to your features. “are you serious?”
“no, love. have you seen the weather?” you dropped the hoodie onto the couch, along with your purse, and (now soggy) bag of convenience store food. “no one would be crazy enough to be out in this.” 
he cracked a smile, letting your hand fall back to your side as you straightened your spine. “except you?”
“except me.” you repeated, plopping onto the empty side of the cushions. “you're lucky i’m actually insane. the weather was so twilight-esk, i almost believed i was a vampire.”
you started to unbox the food you bought. “i hope this is okay? i really didn’t know what to get. are you even hungry? and, where’s jooyeon? i thought you guys were working together tonight. i got enough for everyone.” 
he took the soda you outstretched to him. “he’s taking a nap.” 
you snorted a laugh. “are you serious? like, he’s actually sleeping? has he not been feeling well—oh my gosh—are you guys being overworked? i’ll start a fi–” 
he giggled at your ramble, cracking open the can. “no need to resort to arson. trust, you’d be the first to know if we were being overworked.” 
your eyes narrowed, taking the opened can back from him, and giving him the other. “i better be.” you heard the click of the second soda being opened, watching him take a sip. 
“do you want to hear some of the song?” 
you perked up, jumping to your feet. “are you stupid? of course i fucking do!”
“okay, but don’t judge it too hard…”
you deadpanned in his direction. “i heard jiseok sing about cheese the other day.” he creased his brows, quickly shaking it off. “there’s nothing you could play that will make me judge you.”
“it’s ju-just the chorus and some of the verses right now, okay? nothings finalized.”
you nodded, jittering with excitement. your favorite thing to do was watch (and listen to) him while he was in his element. “just play it, baby! nothing to worry about, i promise.”
and, you were right, especially as it started playing a gentle mix of piano, then drums. the guitar built up with the beginning of the verse and further into the chorus. the words didn’t make much sense most of the time, but the general sense of melancholy was felt—the overwhelming grip of fleeting time washing over you when the storyline became clear. you couldn’t help the rush of emotions, and you couldn’t even imagine listening to the mastered version. something about it was comforting, but in a heartbreaking type of way.
then just as quickly as it started, it came to an end, jungsu hitting a couple buttons to make sure it didn’t replay—or maybe to distract himself from the silence.
“who… hurt you?” you joked, making him turn his head to you. “are you kidding me? you literally told me not to judge it—how the actual hell am i supposed to judge that masterpiece?”
“are you crying?”
“were you listening to it, babe?” you wiped the stray tears that mixed with the droplets from your hair. “played a song about nothing being eternal, and not being able to hold onto the present moment forever, and thought it wouldn’t hit home? i want to spend every waking minute with you until the end of time—i walked here in the middle of storm—and you thought it wouldn’t make me cry?”
his fingers stopped dancing against the wood desk. “what’d you just say?”
you stopped rambling. “w-what?”
“you just said something.”
“i said a lot of things, which part?” you asked. “where i said you played me a song about exactly how i feel, and thought i wouldn’t cry—i cry when i watch fifteen seconds tiktoks. or when i admitted i wanted to spend every minute with you until the end of time. or that i was crazy in love with you, so i walked here in a st—“
“until the end of time…” he mumbled, making your attention catch. “huh, that’s perfect.”
no, what was perfect was the way the power went out exactly when he said that.
you held back a laugh, thunder shaking the building. “what’d i really expect?” you said to yourself mostly. “do you think the company doors open when the powers out?”
he shrugged, but you honestly couldn’t see him through the darkness. “maybe,”
this time you let the snort out. “wait—that means jooyeon’s locked in. he’s gonna call so frantically, we better hope he’s a heavy sleeper.”
he laughed, rustling making your ears perk up. suddenly, the room was illuminated by his phone flashlight. you huffed, “better get comfy, i guess.”
“unless you want to walk home again?”
“absolutely not,” you replied quickly. “i’ll sleep on the hardwood floor of the hallway before going out in that.”
“you did it so easily befo—“
“for you, baby.” that shut him up. “i have nothing at home that’s worth it right now.”
“oh,” he whispered, coming closer to you. “okay. i’m telling your cats that tomorrow.”
your hand hit your chest dramatically. “you wouldn’t dare!”
he bagged the food you bought up again, placing it on a different surface to clear the couch. “it’s already done. i have everything i’m going to say planned out.”
“what? meow meow, meow, meow?”
he played along. “that was offensive, baby. you shouldn’t say stuff like that.”
you rolled your eyes, crossing your arms over one another. “oh yeah?” you wordlessly watched him some more. he took your purse, grabbing your phone and turning on the flashlight to illuminate the room further.
he then set it by the plastic bag on the corner desk, along with your black leather handbag, and his own phone.
“here,” he said, pulling the hoodie he had on over his head—much like you did when you first came in, this time admittedly less soggy. he held it out for you. “you get cold when you sleep.”
“what about you?”
“what about me?” he responded, taking his shoes off and putting them by the door. “you’re gonna act as my blanket anyways.”
he did have you there.
you followed suit, taking your shoes to join his in a neat line. the hoodie was already warm when you put it on, smelling exactly like your man. you fought with the urge to pull it up under your nose, though you already thought of excuse after excuse if he asked questions.
jungsu laid down, grabbing you by the inner thigh to come join him. you did promptly, snuggling into him. you never did think just laying on him was enough—you needed to be in his skin.
his arms wrapped around you, hiking you up to be around neck level. you listened to his heartbeat through the comfortable silence, taking note of the pattern it created. occasionally, thunder would boom, making you jump each time. but, he would just pull you closer in retaliation.
his hand found your hair, combing through it gently.
maybe it was a desperate attempt to not fall asleep. “are you afraid of the dark?” you asked, cutting through the air.
“no.” he whispered back.
you hummed lowly. “what are you scared of?”
it took him no time at all to think. “losing the people i love—losing you.”
you strained your neck to get a view of his face. his eyes were closed, but he knew you were scanning. you thought that maybe he didn’t realize it, or maybe he said exactly what he meant. either way, you bit your lip, butterflies swarming your entire abdomen.
you’d never had a love like this; never had someone care so deeply for you. you’d never had anyone be scared to lose you. and, truthfully, before him you’d never been scared to lose anyone either. but, maybe that’s why you cried earlier. maybe that’s why you felt your heart shatter with the very thought.
“well, if it’s any consolation, i will be with you until the end of time.” you admitted. “and then whatever comes after that, okay? don’t think that death would ever be the end to us… you can’t get rid of me that easily.”
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reblogs, likes and comments are greatly appreciated! thank u!
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i-am-baechu · 1 year ago
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♡ Summary: Being a father is the greatest gift Namjoon could ever ask for from Y/N. This Christmas it has turned out to be the hardest one for the family. 
♡ Rating: PG - 14
♡ Genre: Established relationship; Dad! Namjoon x Mom! Reader, romance, fluff and angst 
♡ Author’s Note: This is the sequel to Baby Daddy! Also I worked all day on Christmas Eve and on Christmas I spent it with my family. It’s been busy for me!! 
Namjoon knew the day was coming but he didn’t realize it was coming this fast. They spoke about his military leave twice in the past year. Once, in the beginning and the second, in the middle. Both times Y/N was crying and Namjoon dropped the topic. He hated seeing his wife cry. He couldn’t bear the realization on Su-jin’s face that daddy wasn’t coming home at the end of the day and it hurt more that Y/N had to face it alone.  
He wanted to celebrate Christmas early so at least he can see Su-jin’s second Christmas before he leaves. It was December tenth and Namjoon made their living room filled with Christmas decorations the night before. Their tree was filled with ornaments that had glitter falling down onto their carpet and the lights flashed different colors that made Su-jin hypnotized. Of course Namjoon made sure the tree had mountains of presents underneath with cartoon paper hiding what was inside. 
Y/N watched Su-jin open another gift and she sighed. She leaned towards Namjoon who was sitting next to her with a wide grin, “Joon, don’t you think this is overdoing it?” 
He shook his head and kissed Y/N’s cheek, “No, I wish I could’ve done more.”
She let out a small laugh and shook her head, “Babe, how much more could you have done?” 
“Trust me, I had plans.” 
“I don’t doubt that.” 
Su-jin started letting out her giggles when she started playing with her new microphone. Y/N glanced at her and smiled. Namjoon bent down and grabbed a small box that was hidden behind the tree, “Baby, I got you something.”  
She looked back at Namjoon with a surprised look and then at the tiny box, “Joonie, I told you-”
“This is special please.”
She took the box and let out a laugh, “You always had to have it your way.” 
“You’ll like it.”
She opened the box and her eyes widened. It was a ring that had all of their birthstones and engraved in the ring it said, MY FOREVER. She placed the ring next to her wedding bands with excitement, “Namjoon, this is so beautiful.” 
Namjoon placed his hand on top of hers and glanced at the ring, “I just wanted you to know...no matter what. You guys are my forever. Even if I’m far away, I’m always thinking of you guys.” 
“Joon, I don’t need a ring for that. I already know.” 
“I just wanted you to have something...”
She smiles and leans forward, placing a quick peck on his lips, “I love it and I love you.” 
“I love you more.” 
Later that night, Y/N put Su-jin down and it was just the couple. They were in the living room cuddling up watching a random drama with Christmas lights flashing in semi darkness. Namjoon’s fingers carefully went through her hair as she played with his fingers, it was pure bliss. 
“Neh, Namjoon...Do you remember when we met?” 
“Of course I do....”
Another long night and Namjoon felt like shit. All day he was messing up in practice and while no one got mad at him, he was mad at himself. He kept trying but nothing was working. It was frustrating because even Jin picked up the choreography. 
“Namjoon, let’s get some coffee. You need it.”
Namjoon looked up from the floor and gave him a sad smile, “Sure...maybe they have a drink that can make me dance better.”
Yoongi scoffed at this and rolled his eyes, “Shut up, let’s go.” 
They walked down the street to the only cafe open that late. There was soft jazz music playing and the sound of soft talks echoed in the room. whispers that held comfort under the dim lighting. They ordered their usual and waited at a table towards the back. Yoongi was on his phone and Namjoon was just staring outside into the night. He wished he could be better at dancing. He was their leader but he couldn’t help them with the formation, what kind of leader is he? 
“You look like you're thinking hard.” 
A soft voice blended in with the jazz music but it was loud enough for him to hear. He turned his head to see a girl around his age looking at him with a soft smile. The way her eyes looked at him made him feel like he was by a fireplace on a cold day. It was comforting and nice, “Yeah...thinking.”
She placed the cups down on the table and turned her head slightly towards him, “Are you alright? Thinking too hard just causes problems and no one likes problems.” 
“Problems can be the solutions we need.”
“Or the headaches we don’t want.”
Yoongi snickered at this and took a sip of his coffee as he watched the two go back and forth. Y/N heard her name at the counter and sighed, “I have to go but my advice is...don’t be too hard on yourself. We have one life, why be so mean to ourselves.” 
Namjoon watched her walk away and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her. There was something about her and he wanted to figure it out. 
She let out a small laugh at the memory, “You were so nervous, it was cute.”
He rolled his eyes at this and changed the channel, “I wasn’t nervous. I was just...overwhelmed...”
“That’s what you said when you asked me out, remember?” 
“Jimin, I don’t think this is going to work.”
Jimin rolled his eyes and handed Namjoon the flowers, “Y/N’s favorite flowers are daisies.”
Hoseok nodded his head and opened the cafe door for him, “Stop being nervous and ask her out before someone else does. Like that guy from the other cafe.” 
“I’m not nervous...I’m overwhelmed.” 
“Yeah, whatever. Just go.” 
Namjoon entered the cafe and saw Y/N watering the plants. He heard Jungkook’s voice playing and he smiled. Y/N told him that she would always support him because she believed that he would become big. She was always there believing in her. 
She looked up and waved at him, “Hey! I didn’t know you were coming.”
“Sorry...ummm....these are for you.”  
She glanced down to see him handing her daisies. She smiled softly and took them out of his hands. She brought the daisies to her nose and inhaled the scent, “You shouldn’t have...I love them Namjoon. Thank you.” 
He felt his face get hot but a surge of confidence flew through him, “Y/N you would go on date me?” 
“Namjoon, are you okay?” 
He knew she was teasing him and she sighed. He looked away with his red face to avoid her mischievous eyes, “Would you go on a date with me?
“Of course I would.” 
“It’s not funny, Y/N.”
“I think it is.”  She reached for the remote and shut off the t.v, “We should head to bed. You want to take Su-jin  to the park tomorrow, remember.” 
He smiles at his daughter's name and nods his head, “Yeah, I wanted her to play with Jungkook while we walk through the park together.” 
“That sounds lovely.” 
The couple shut off everything in the living room and headed towards their bedroom. They both laid in their respective spots and she stared at him with a frown. He raised his eyebrow at this and turned towards her, “Is everything okay, Y/N?”
“I’m just going to miss you...”
“Well maybe Santa will bring me to you.” 
She rolled her eyes and moved closer to him until she felt his body heat, “The only thing I want from Santa is our family together.”
“Baby...” He kissed the top of her head as he wrapped his arms around her waist, “It’s going to be okay.” 
She let out a snicker as she snuggled into his chest, “Been an angel all year, Santa baby...”
He snorted at this and pinched her sides, making her wiggle, “Shush you...”
“Just promise me you’ll write to me.” 
“Of course I will, babe.” 
She looked up and kissed the side of his neck, “I can’t believe Taehyung is shaving his head.”
“I know, he looks like a prince with his hair. It’s going to be wild to see him without it.”
“I always said you looked like a professor that had all the girls drooling during class.”
He smirked at this and he tightened his grip, “Is that so?”
“Very much so...now that you shaved your head...I don’t know you got hotter to me.”
“Really? Su-jin misses my hair.”
She snickers at this and nodded her head, “She does, she was so confused when you didn’t have it but I think you look handsome.” 
“And I think you look beautiful. Let’s sleep.”
“Fine, what time are we leaving?”
“Around eleven.” 
She kissed his chest and closed her eyes, “Good night my love.” 
“Good night.” 
・゚·:。・゚゚・ ✩ ・゚ ・゚·:。・
“Hyung! Noona!” 
The couple pushed Su-jin towards Jungkook and she waved at him, “Good morning, Kook.” 
Jungkook smiled at her and gave her a tight hug, “Noona, I heard you had a surprise.”
She raised her eyebrow at this, “And who told you this?” 
“Yoongi...”
She rolled his eyes, “It’s not a surprise...It’s more I baked you a cake for all your solo activities.”
Namjoon took Su-jin out of the stroller and pouted, “You didn’t make me a cake for my solo...”
“This is why I told Yoongi not to tell you. I knew you would blurt it out.”
“Sorry noona.” 
She let out a chuckle and ruffled Jungkook’s hair, “It’s fine. Namjoon, I gave you a baby. That’s bette than cake.” 
“Nothing in this world can compare to my Su-Jin. Want to play with Uncle Kook, Su-jin?” 
Su-jin made grabby motions towards Jungkook and he happily took her. He kissed all over her face and Y/N smiled at the scene before her, “You can play on the playground. Just be careful, she’s been more curious these days.”
“I will noona. Have fun on your walk.” 
Namjoon intertwined their fingers together and they walked. It was winter but today it wasn’t as cold. It was the perfect temperature. They walked closely together in silence as nature became their theme song. Namjoon glanced down at her and smiled, “What do you think about having another baby?”
She glanced up at him and gave him a surprise look, “Another baby? I would love to have another one but you're leaving soon...”
“When I come back?”
She let out a small laugh, “Maybe Santa can make that come true.” 
“Santa's probably tired of us asking him for things.”
She rolled her eyes and nodded her head, “But that’s the fun of Christmas.” 
“So...Another baby? Hurry down the chimney tonight.~” 
Y/N let go of Namjoon’s hand and started to walk away from him, “I’m going back to Su-jin.”
“Wait no! Comeback!”
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stilljuststardust · 29 days ago
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Hey
Idk if you remember me but I sent you an ask before. Unfortunately i'm still miserable. I feel like the "you already have it" advice doesn't work for me, at least for shifting, and gives me mental breakdowns instead. There's so much stuff i'm sad about and idk how to get over the attitude that being sad = your manifestation won't happen.
I cry to myself about how much life sucks like once a week. I'm disappointed in myself that i've been on loa tumblr for like a year and seemingly learned nothing since I haven't gotten anything I wanted. Idk what the ppl that manifest easily are doing differently than me, or how to make what they do work for me. Idk what to do I feel like all the mainstream advice
I try to follow like "imagine it and chill out" or "you already have it" just give me mental breakdowns instead of success. Idk what to do i'm really tired. Please help
Hello again, I do remember you.
My perspective has changed a bit over this past year. I'm sorry that it wasn't what you needed then. You don't have to feel great, you don't have to feel anything.
It's not about doing everything right, you're just repeating something till your subconscious manifests it. You don't have to jump through hoops or suppress your emotions you just have to saturate your mind.
This is sloppier than I'd like. It's 3 am and though I've been thinking of what I'd like to say I'm a bit too out of it for it to come out how I need it. I don't want you to wait longer though so I'll post it anyways.
Similar post where I said all of this better
Also, I know you've read this before but you really should again:
It's ok to feel like shit
Your emotions don't manifest. If you just need to be told that I can say it as many times as you like. Half the stuff I've manifested I was cranky or anxious or mad when I did it. Half the time I didn't believe it'd happen and then it did. Half the time I felt how you do. You can do it. I promise.
I don't use fulfilment for the same reason you mentioned, stressed me out. For me personally it was vague and didn't allow me to anchor myself.
It's ok that you feel like shit. It's ok that you're scared. It's ok that you're hurting. You can still do this and I promise you don't have to magically defy your emotions to do it.
In terms of how to change the actual belief you just affirm the opposite. You learned it through repetition it's unlearned the same way. Anti-climatic I know. I used to have a rule that if I said something bad about myself I would repeat three things good. Maybe when you have that belief come up your repeat three reasons why you can feel like shit and still manifest.
Stop punishing yourself for having emotions. Suppressing emotions has never made them go away and I can tell you from experience it is a losing battle. You can feel them, it's ok.
In my opinion you need to take a break. Take that pressure off. Right now it's a burden of its own and it's just piling onto everything else you're feeling.
You need to take a couple days where you don't push yourself so hard. No methods or law or anything. Process your emotions and let yourself breathe for a bit.
Chill. Not as a method or a tool but just genuine mental health advice. I know taking a break won't solve the issues in your life but neither will beating yourself up every day. Ground yourself and let out everything you're pushing down because it is clearly weighing on you.
You have been putting near constant pressure on yourself for a year. In my experience the pressure you're putting on yourself is more suffocating than your actual feelings. The most painful thing is usually our refusal to feel it.
When I would suppress my emotions it felt like constantly running away from my life. I didn't feel better, the suppression just became an additional burden. We let out emotions because that's how they leave us. If we hold them in that's where they'll stay, inside of us.
Cry for an hour, throw a fit, write in a burn book. Give yourself permission to fucking feel. (You can do this even when manifesting something btw)
When you're ready to come back to manifestation don't return to emotional suppression. Feel what you feel just don't repeat the old story to yourself. What I mean by that is you are 100% allowed to feel like absolute shit just don't affirm for anything you don't want.
Get off Tumblr and get away from all the noise telling you what to do or shaming you for mistakes.
Stick to robotic affirmations instead of fulfillment . The only goal is to repeat a sentence/thought that implies you have it and avoid repeating anything that implies you don't.
Feel whatever you want, it's robotic because feeling is not a factor. It's a definable goal so you don't have to be constantly asking if you're doing it right.
10 minutes whenever you can just repeat what you want. That's your only goal do not add anything else to it. Don't try something new when you get anxious, stick to a schedule and take care of yourself. I say this because I think what you need is something solid to ground yourself with instead of a less defined goal.
Don't ignore your mental health in the name of living in the end. Living in the end is just refusing to affirm shit you don't want.
Your biggest obstacle is your self hatred. This is speculation but it sounds to me like when you waver or give into the 3D you respond to it by chastising yourself.
Maybe you have an unconscious belief that self discipline = scolding yourself or this is just your knee jerk reaction to mistakes. You can recognize the need for change without berrating yourself. Sometimes healing isn't linear, sometimes we slip up, that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.
From a different post but I honestly don't think I can rephrase this better:
You cannot shame yourself better. Hating yourself, comparing yourself to others, being cruel to yourself because you "aren't doing good enough" has never helped you. If you only have one person in your corner it should be you. If you have only one person telling you to keep going it should be you.
On days when everything seems out of your control you can control how you treat yourself. You deserve kindness and patience too. It's ok if you have setbacks. It's ok if you got off track.
It's ok to trust yourself. It's ok to tell yourself you're good enough and that what you're doing is enough. It's ok to tell yourself that you're good at this.
You feel things very deeply and there is nothing wrong with that. Shame will not push you out of it.
You are consistently reinforcing the beliefs that you:
1. Are not good enough to manifest
2. Cannot change and
3. Will fail if you try again
Self defacing behavior is doing NOTHING but further a negative self concept/make you feel like shit.
You are good enough. There is nothing wrong with you. You do not have to become someone else to get what you want because you are enough.
Links
Manifest with anger subliminal
Manifest with sadness subliminal
Manifest with impatience subliminal
Success stories with robotic affirmations (aka without emotion)
My favorite manifestation video "you only have one limiting belief"
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preciousmomentsfigurine · 4 months ago
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hey, is anyone still here? looks like the last time i was on here was two years ago and change. things are really different now, but i guess then again it would be weird if they were the same
i was thinking of returning to this dead site because for a good fifteen years it was a big part of my life and provided me with a unique way to express my thoughts and ideas and feelings and opinions and musings to an audience of people who can hear me but not truly know me outside of my words that i share on this platform. and on the same coin i enjoy following the lives of people i know nothing about and watching their stories and selves develop and evolve from a complete distance in every sense
i'm five months sober now
i have a hard time pinpointing when exactly i became an alcoholic, but i guess i could say i dealt with it in some degree for about eight years, and progressively, as it always goes
i graduated with my masters last may (2023) in critical media studies where i spent my time writing and researching feminist cultural social and media theory. i produced a great deal of work i was and am very proud of including a thesis that is honestly my life and heart's work but unfortunately over the course of those two years my drinking escalated rapidly and by the end i was manically and drunkenly banging out papers and essays in the dead of night sleepless and naively inspired
somehow i got a 4.0 though despite that. everyone in my life always says i played off my drinking well anyway. beats me how or why
once i graduated i practically immediately began drinking all day every day while somewhat-hardly-kind-of-not-really looking for work which was fruitless and i quickly learned my degree i worked so hard for meant practically nothing to employers who were merely looking for experience i dont have outside of my teaching background in grad school
for almost exactly a year i was drunk 100% of the time i was awake
same old story, at some point i switched to bottom shelf pints of vodka, which constituted my breakfast lunch and dinner. sat on my couch in my filthy apartment occupying my filthy poisoned failing body either watching tv or causing problems somehow
this was when i was twenty-nine. for a while now i had known in my heart of hearts i wasnt someone who would ever be able to handle my liquor or drink like a normal person, whatever that means, and that too much was never enough, and that it was literally impossible to function so long as booze was a part of my life. any attempts to "cut back" or "take breaks", i knew, would end the same way, which was waking up to shots of room temperature vodka and being a prisoner to the worst shame a person can feel
i figured once i turned thirty, which was this march, that would probably be about the time i got sick of my own shit and said goodbye to the bottle. which i undeniably felt a kind of affection toward as if it were a lover. still do in a sense and thats why ill never flirt with it again
my sobriety date is april 16th 2024. my last drink was a shot of vodka at 8:30 am on the 15th after creating massive gashes in my upper arm the previous evening during a blackout fight with my boyfriend
im still unemployed and extremely mentally ill and my bipolar has gotten progressively worse over the past couple of years and will likely continue to according to what the science says and all of that. after my last manic episode last month i adjusted my meds (again) and for now they seem to be working but i don't hold my breath really
i do AA and i like it a lot, i do it my own way, i have a sponsor who approaches the program liberally and progressively and shares many of my comorbidities and has allowed me the freedom to define my relationship to the program and god in a way that works for me and i have made incredible strides through this. i have become a far far far better person.
being sober is easy and i never want to drink. not once not ever
ive never worked so hard on myself in my life because i got as close to death as i ever had and ive been very close at many points in my life for many years. when i was drinking i knew i wouldnt make it to see 35 if i continued as i was
therapy, AA, meds, a whole fucking lot of discipline
ive been with my boyfriend for two years and wed like to get married. thats nothing that will happen anytime soon but it is nice to think about. he has been by my side through unimaginable things that any sane person would not have stuck around for. he is my heart and my soul
im also trying to start applying for jobs again but im genuinely on the fence if i am capable of holding a full time job due to my severe mental illness. im exploring a bunch of options right now as far as that whole thing goes. the future is very uncertain as always
let me know if you see this or remember me or anything.
bye for now
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littlelalu · 3 months ago
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A New Chapter | Milo Manheim (Fluff)
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Notes: Thank you so much to everyone who likes my posts :) Please let me know if you want me to write you one or want me to write about something in particular.
Y/N = Your Name
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My anxiety and stress levels have been high these past couple of days. We got to New Zealand three weeks ago because Milo must film for Zombies 4. Milo’s schedule has been crazy. He has been having set visits, late-night filming, and some cast parties here and there. I woke up feeling like shit today. I told Milo I was going to stay home today. I felt nauseous and dizzy, and my mood was crazy. I think my period is coming soon.
It's 1 pm and I’ve been in bed all day. I tried closing my eyes to nap, but nothing was making the feeling go away. I was startled as my phone rang. I grabbed my phone from my nightstand. It was Milo Facetiming me.
“Milo…” I said with a weak smile.
“Aww… How’s my girl feeling?” he said in a sweet voice. His hair was greener than usual, and his makeup was on.
“Shit. You look cute, Zed,” I said, slightly giggling.
“Haha very funny.” He said sarcastically. “Anyways, are you sure you didn’t get sick from something? Like food poisoning from the restaurant, we all ate the other night?”
I thought about it for a while. “Is anyone else sick?”
“Well… No… Just you.”
“I think it’s just my monthly friend coming soon, babe. I’ll be fine. I’m just going to stay home today.”
“Okay boo. I must go. As soon as I am done, I will go straight to you. I love you. See you later. Muah” he said as he kissed the camera.
I laughed, “Love you too! Bye”
I hung up and set my phone back on the nightstand. I pulled the blanket over me and drifted off to sleep.
~~~~~~~ Later ~~~~~~
“Y/N...” I heard a whisper “Y/N”
I slowly opened my eyes and saw my green-haired boyfriend. “Milo!” I said happily. “What time is it?”
“It’s 5 o’clock. They let us go early because it was starting to rain.” He sat on the bed next to me. He felt my forehead “Feeling better? Any fevers”
“The same, Dr. Manheim” I joked with him, causing him to slightly laugh.
“I made you something. Wait here.” He said as he got up and left the room. Minutes later, he came back with a tray. The was some soup, apple juice, and crackers. He set the tray on the nightstand. “I made you chicken noodle soup. I know you love to have it when you’re sick”
Despite him waking up early to film and working out with those dance moves he does; he still manages to make sure I am okay. He loves taking care of me because he knows I do the same for him.
“Thank you, babe. I needed this.” I said as I sat up. He opened the legs from the tray so he could set it over my legs.
“Anything for you.”
“Are you going out tonight?”
“Nah., I told them I was going to stay in with you.”
“You don’t have to cancel plans because of me babe. I will be fine”
“Yeah, I know, but we haven’t had any rest or any alone time. I want to be with you tonight. Even if it’s just us watching movies.” He said as he kissed my cheek. He walked over to the other side of the bed and sat next to me.
We locked eyes for a while. “What did I do to get this lucky?”
He smiled at me. “You got it wrong babe. I am the one who got lucky. I am just doing my best to keep you around.”
“I love you,” I said.
“I love you, too,” he said.
He started to lean in for a kiss, but I stopped him. “No, I’ll get you sick. You can’t get sick.”
He pouted. “Please?” He gave me puppy eyes.
“No,” I said
“Fine… “He sighed in defeat.
I began eating the soup. “This is delicious.”
Milo turned on the TV and put “How I Met Your Mother” on. He knows this is my comfort show.
After a few bites, I began to feel nauseous again. I tried to power through and continue eating but it got to me. I set the tray on the nightstand and ran to the bathroom. I slammed the door shut, quickly grabbed a hair tie, and put my hair in a ponytail. I sat in front of the toilet, throwing up everything I just ate.
I heard soft knocks on the floor. “Y/N? Are you okay?”
“No…” I said softly. My stomach and throat hurt from using force to throw up.
“Can I come in?”
“No. Just give me a few minutes.” I spoke. I heard him walk to our bed.
I have not been able to keep much down. I am surprised I had the energy to run. I’ve never felt this bad. I flushed the toilet, washed my hands, and brushed my teeth before heading back with Milo.
“You okay, love?” He asked. His voice sounded concerned. His eyes looked worried.
I nodded. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and went to my period tracker app.
‘Take A Test’ flashed across the home screen.
My eyes widened and my jaw dropped.
“What’s wrong?” Milo said even more worried than before. I tossed him the phone. He read it and had the same expression as me. He quickly refocused. “Do you think you might be?”
“I-im not sure… I can’t think straight right now…” I said my voice barely above a whisper.
“I’ll go to the store and get you some tests. Just stay here and try to relax” he said as he got up and put his shoes on. He hugged me and kissed my forehead before he left out the door.
~~~ An hour later ~~~
“Y/N?” I heard Milo ask as he walked in. 
“Here…” I said I was still sitting on the bed with my legs touching my chest.  I was still in shock. I just couldn’t help but think of the outcomes. Am I ready to be a mom? Is Milo okay with this? Are we ready? 
Milo walked into the room with 3 pregnancy tests and a plastic cup. “I was not sure which is best, but the lady in the front said to get the pink dye.”
I slightly smiled imagining him asking the lady about it. “Thanks, babe. I’ll be back” I grabbed the pregnancy tests and the cup. I went to the bathroom to take all three at the same time. 
I washed my hands and sat on the floor until the 5-minute timer I set on my phone rang. My heart began to race again. My phone timer went off. I turned it off and slowly got up. I walked up to the counter and saw all the pregnancy tests. 2 of them had 2 clear lines, and the other had a plus sign on it. Positive.
I started to shake again. 
I heard a knock at the door. “Babe? Are you okay? I heard your timer go off. Can I come in?”
“Yeah,” I said barely a whisper. Not sure how he heard me, but he came in. 
“What is it?” He asked nervously.
I grabbed all three pregnancy tests and showed him. 
He looked shocked at first too and smiled so big. “You’re pregnant?!” 
I nodded. I still can’t speak. I don’t know how to react.
“IM GOING TO BE A FUCKING DAD, “Milo said excitedly jumping up and down.
“You’re not upset?” I asked him.
“What? Of course not. Y/N, I love you. I know I want to be with you my whole life. Starting a family with you is a dream. I didn’t think it would be this fast, but I always wanted to be a dad.” He added, “I will be there for you and our child. Whenever you need me.”
I cried, happy tears, and hugged him so tightly. “I love you, Milo”
“I love you more.”
I pulled away and looked at him.
“I was honestly nervous about being parents this young in life. I was scared you would leave me because I thought you weren’t ready. But…. You made me feel safe. I cannot wait to raise our child together.”
“I can’t wait either!” He said as he leaned in to kiss me. 
We ended up celebrating again. Let’s just say we celebrated the same way we created this baby 😉
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polonium-snap · 2 years ago
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Bkdk Plot bunnies pt 1
Izuku is 12 and still quirkless
Katsuki is his #1 Bully being as every other day he corners Deku outside school to mock him and intimidate him
Until one day he just stops
Izuku doesn’t notice at first maybe is just one of those days Katsuki “can’t be bothered with a useless Deku”
However as time passes even Katsuki’s lackeys wonder what is wrong with him
He’s stopped complaining about Deku, and doesn’t ever mention the other boy’s quirklessness
Izuku doesn’t know how to feel about it; on one hand he is glad the harassment stopped, but somehow being completely ignored by Kacchan feels somehow worse
“I just realized; why be bothered with a quirkless extra.” Katsuki explained a week later when one of his friends asked
That’s what did it, for all the insults Katsuki had called Deku for the past six years he had never referred to Izuku as an extra
Izuku was the gum stuck in his shoe but never as inconsequential as an extra
That burned Izuku more than being called Deku ever had. But Izuku couldn’t say anything about it
One day some older kids saw the opportunity to corner Izuku on some alley and started push him around
It seemed Bakugou power was such everyone had steered clear of his “mark” but now that he was not interested in him anymore someone wanted the #1 bully position
However unlike Katsuki who used his quirk to intimidate and occasionally burn Deku’s belongings these bullies got physical. They hit Izuku a couple of times before big explosions interrupt them
Out of nowhere Katsuki appears “get away from him!” He screams in rage
He chases the older boys away then looks at Deku
Why his green eyes ask
Katsuki wears a look Deku has never seen before, guilt
Bakugou Katsuki was never guilty because Bakugou Katsuki never felt sorry and Bakugou Katsuki never made mistakes
So how come he’s looking at Deku with guilt?
Something is wrong, Katsuki is different and Izuku has to find out why
Katsuki is quieter and almost nice?
Not really he still brash and can’t be bothered with peoples names but he has less outbursts, the blond is oddly different with Deku, which is even more baffling
One day Izuku sees Katsuki at the convenience store when the boy suddenly drops everything and is practically running outside
Izuku follows
Bakugou stops a tall skinny blond old man, who looks just as surprised as Izuku
From the distance Deku can’t hear their conversation
The man tenses as he hears Katsuki talk, wary toward the younger blond, but his expressions keep changing
Katsuki said something more and the man sighs almost relieved
They seem to exchange numbers and Katsuki turns around, only just missing Izuku who had to hastily hide
His heart is racing, what was that? Why had Bakugou stopped a random man like that?
Just as suddenly Katsuki changes his routine only noticeable to Izuku who knows it like the back of his hand
Izuku sees Kachan outside a building where a small girl with white hair and red eyes of about 4 years old comes running out and into Katsuki’s arms
Strangely Bakugou welcomes the hug with a smile of his own as the underground hero Eraserhead comes out behind the child
Deku can’t believe his eyes
Soon enough Bakugou seems to express his goodbyes and Izuku takes that as his cue to hide scurrying through an alley
“So, what is your nerd brain thinking?” Bakugou’s voice sounds from the end of the alleyway izuku had hastily hidden
“I-I K-k-Kachan! Wh-what a co-coincidence to see you here! Haha” Deku fumbled. “Wh-“
“Shut up, I know you’ve been following me.” The blond acuses
Izuku closes his mouth
“I’m sure you’ve noticed something’s different, so hit me with your theories.”
“I-I do-don’t know. Nothing makes sense all the things that should be connected don’t link correctly to one another.” Izuku flounders. “One day you just changed, w-why?
Bakugou smiled bitterly. “Deku, shit’s complicated and at first I thought maybe it was for the better if you weren’t involved at all.” He looks hesitant before blustering. “But that’s obviously wistful thinking since you are a nosy little shit that won’t stay away,”
“Kacchan what is going on?
“4 years from now I died and came back in time.”
“…What?”
“I’m from the fucking future dumbass.”
“W-wait Kacchan you died?! What do you mean from the future?!”
“It’s better if All Might and I explain.”
“A-A-All Might?!?!”
“Tch, come with me” Katsuki starts to drag Deku.
“Wait Kacchan where are we going?”
“To get you a quirk.” Katsuki smiles back with a brightness Izuku hasn’t seen since they were little.
I decided to start this series because I have so many bkdk ideas I have planned out but I don’t either have the time or will to write out into an actual fanfic
Let me know what you think and if you guys like it I might write it
pt 2 |pt 2.5 |pt 3|pt 4|pt 5|pt 6
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the-anime-enthusiast · 7 months ago
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As per request of @tired-jaz here's some dabi fluff for the touya fans 😈 This is purely fluff but here's a lil quick disclaimer ⚠️ jaz this isn't totally what you asked for but Its still fluff and got some pretty sweet stuff in it 😭(pun intended) HOPE YALL ENJOY‼️
NOT AS SWEET
AS YOU (dabi x reader)
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DAY ONE ☎️
"3 months, THREE WHOLE MONTHS NAKI. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I havent felt the touch of aan, MY MAN, in three whole months", you scream into the phone, not caring the damage youve dealt to your sisters eardrums.
"Y/N" she screams back.
"Yes..." you retorted sheepishly with a slight ansgt.
"Isnt he coming bacm in like what? 3 DAYS?? I hate to break it to you gurl, BUT PLEASE, calm down, I get it but he'll be there soon."
"BUT"
"NO. NO BUTS. What happened to the logical and rational you i know? The one dabi fell in love with? Youll have him all to yourself in no time. I know its hard, especially cause you haven't been able to talk to him either, but honey please. Hell be there alright. ALRIGHT?"
you sigh, "I'll calm down. You're right I guess, don't wanna embarrass myself in front of him after 3 months..." you breathe out staring at your feet face reddening at the thought of your desperate actions. "I just miss him, a lot."
"Y/n...I get it, i really do, and i hate to do this right now, but i have to go, if you need anything youll tell me right?"
"Yeah yeah you know I will", you respond rolling your eyes simultaneously.
"REMEMBER" the sudden loud tone sending you to jump up, "3 DAYS THEN HES ALL YOURS. BYE BYE!" she acreams ending the call with a kissy sound.
Your hand drops down, looking at the caller ID
"I know" you wisper to yourself.
DAY TWO 💤
Grogginess? She practically your bestfriend you think rolling over to the other aide of your bed, arm slewn over your back orher cupping the side of the pillow youve found yourself clutching for dear life to the past couple of months.
"Dabi..." you whisper, eyes squeezing shut trying to imagine his face again as you bury your face into the pillow
"please come home" is the last thing your pillow hears before you pass out on top of it wishing it was him you were on top of instead.
Nothing could quite distract you from his absence like sleeping your life away.
DAY THREE 🍰
Anxiety was eating you alive like you were the twilight saga and a book worm was having a feild day.
"Nothing has changed between us right?" you thought. "Right?" you repeat to yourself, a sickening smile creeping on your face with tears pricked in the corners of your eyes.
"NO" you yell sitting up to hang of your bed.
"I WILL NOT BE SAD. I REFUSE. ONE MORE DAY
"Y/N. YOU GOT THIS! I GOT THIS? I GOT THIS." you chant storming to your kitchen. Given the ungodly amount of sleep you got yesterday, you hadnt eaten barely anything but leftover cookies and some milk.
"OH. MY. GOD." you aggravatingly sighed out
"I'M SO DAMN HUNGRY" followed by a whine as the refridgerator swining open, and then the realization hit you, you wouldn't be surprised if dust and a moth flew out with the door.
"DAMN INGREDIENT HOUSEHOLD WHAT THE HELL" you yell falling to your knees while slamming the fridge shut, followed by a bang on the door with your fist.
Your head soon met the door as well with your begging you from 2 weeks ago to stop the decision of purely doordashing food to your front door while dabi was gone, leaving you broke as hell. Checking your bank account wasn't any better than the fridge, but in optimism you tell yourself, if theres one thing an ingredient household will get you, its crazy amazing dessert recipes made out of practically thin air.
-skip to later that night-
"Holy shit-" you breathe out
"Holy fucking shit, so. much. dessert. So many... everything?" you question scanning your kitchen surroundings, brownies, cookies, Tres Leches, cookie dough, instant jello, popsicles?
"How in the actual hell...did i make...popsicles..."
you whisper before collapsing of exhaustion.
Slowly picking up your phone to check the time, you read 2:45 a.m.
Following is a look of worry, exhaustion, and confusion as you pass out on the kitchen floor.
DAY FOUR - DABI'S COMING HOME
My keys slowy make their way into the key hole, first sturggling due to my franticness to see her. My girl.
"y/n" I whisper out getting frustrated that the key keeps getting stuck.
"Dammit!' i whisper yell as the door finnalg flys open crashing against the wall behind it.
"What the hell? Why does it smell like...HUH?"
He screeches feasting his eyes on the copious piles of desserts covering every kitchen surface.
"What the hell..." he whispers, barely taking the time to notice you crashed out on the kitchen floor.
"Y/n..." he whispers leaning down to you, a look of pity and concern stretching across his otherwise emotionless face.
"baby..." is the last thing he says before reaching behind your neck and waist to hoist you up into his arms.
A feeling of warmth overcomes your body, a feeling of comfort, one you cant quit explain while wrapped up in your Candy Land like dream, one where you of all people were a diety of dessert. Slowly coming back to consciousness you hear the words of your lover...
"baby" you feel whispered against your ear, the familar voice sending shocks through your body.
No matter the lack of sleep and energy spent on your Master Chef Desserts you shot up clinging to dabi like it was the last time.
"DABI" you screeched into his ear as he pulls you in closer.
He presses a kiss to your ear, "hey princess, missed you baby" he says pressing a second one right after the other.
The feeling practically melts you, nothing beats some sweet love from your lover, especially the physical lind.
"Dabi" you sigh
"Yes princess?"
"Kiss me again?"
"Hm?"
You grab his collar pulling his face for his eyes to look into yours.
"KISS ME" you growl locking his eyes with yours noticing the sly smirk spreading across his beautiful face.
"Alright alright, i heard you the first time" he chuckles cupping your cheek and pulling your waist flush against his stomach.
"Since you ask so nicely..." he teases bringing your face close to his.
You can't explain it, maybe its the lack of him you've experienced the past three months or his overall deamenor but its like you cant think anymore. Everythings fuzzy, your nose filled with the smell of the previously baked sweets mixed with the ash and cigarette smell on his collar. You lose complete control melting into his hands, making him work to keep your body up as his lips meet yours. You make note of the gentleness he's displaying, something not often seen, even behind closed doors. It doesn't feel like hes going to give you the night of your life, or like hes about to do whataver he wants to you, he feels like he's about to hold you until the sun comes up, bury his head in your neck, lay you on his chest kissing your head, whispering sweet nothings like
"you're so beautiful baby..."
or
"i missed you so much" followed by his nose burrowing in your hair.
'you miss me too pretty girl?"
maybe a
"Im here its alright princess..."
or maybe
"you need anything baby?"
its almost out of charcter for him, but somethings changed, the way he holds you, something happened. He holds you now like hes actaully scared to lose you. His kiss isn't filled with lust, but love, pure innocent love, one you've never felt, you think leaning more into the kiss slowly making your backs way down to the floor.
His lips press deeper into yours, never wanting to leave but nevertheless he pulls away leaning over your frozen body beneath him.
"Baby" he whispers moving your face so his eyes meet his, given you were hiding it out of embarrassment.
"Yes..." you wisper back peering up into his beautiful eyes, taking note of the difference in his stare. He holds there for awhile, staring into your eyes, searching in them like he'll find something, still holding your face lovingly.
Your left hand comes to meet his hand on your face cupping over it shooting him a small smile.
"Dabi? "
"Hm?" he hums back seeming to come back to reality.
"S-sorry" he stutters a bit, a like shade of pink running across his cheecks.
Your smile never leaves as you bring your other hand up to meet his face, pulling it down to your head to rest his forehead against yours.
"I love you" you whisper.
"Hm..." he hums with a slight chuckle sending a look of horror to your face. His laugh grows as he puts more pressure against your foreheads.
"I'm just teasing baby" he says moving his mouth to kiss your forehead as he pulls you up to sit with him, pulling his hand of your cheek to allow more balance on the way up.
"Just teasing" he repeats moving to kiss your cheek allowing another small smile to come up on your face as his hand meets your face again. He follows with small kisses peppering across your cheeks, forehead, nose, jaw line, and even some daring to your neck. All that's heard throughout your shared apartment is small giggles and the sound of his lips coming off of your skin.
"Hey princess" he says looking for some focus as he comes up to cup both your cheeks.
"Yes?"
"I love you."
Your face goes an ungodly red.
"Hm?" you question, face blank, leaving him to chuckle to himself.
"I love you baby" he repeats giving you a warm smile leaning his forhead bacm against yours.
"I..." you smile back... "I love you too dabi" you whisper allowing his lips to come back to yours for one final kiss before your mouths are otherwise occupied scarfing down the pile of treats waiting for you on the counter.
"Pretty sweet huh?" you tease bumping your hips into his.
"Not as sweet as you baby" he replies a sweet smile spreading on both your faces as you match each other's gaze.
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tunedtostatic · 10 months ago
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Blog updates 2024 edition, or more specifically, one big, potentially very good update: Last year when I did my 2023 blog updates, almost but not quite a year ago now, I said I might be within a month or so of things no longer being in serious crisis/my life being basically okay-adjacent. It is hard to write this even now but it turned out that that didn't work out - things did get better, especially for a chunk of six months in the middle of the year when I had safe housing and things felt wonderful compared to the last few years, but neither external circumstances nor my own ability to deal with {PTSD, external circumstances, &c} got to the point hoped for where I would be able to say "I'm living a life where things are more or less normal and okay." Even though I never quite reached things being okay-adjacent during that chunk of months and things got not great again end of summer to now, having that time of things being close to almost okay-adjacent was a very important springboard to me for make it to a point now where I might be within reach of actually okay-adjacent.
Right now, what I said last year about potentially being within a month or so of things being basically okay is potentially true again, and I think I have a better shot at it this time for both external reasons and personal "knowing more about what to do to get safe and having my shit together" reasons. I might be within reach of things being okay-adjacent and feeling like I have a real normal life outside of crises (here defined as safe housing, employment, no people hurting me in my immediate vicinity, financial and scheduling ability to manage physical medical issues on a day to day basis while still eating without mental health issues getting in the way of that, clothing in drawers not trash bags, nothing actively medically scary).
If so this will be for the first time since 2018 so of course it's a big deal to me. Right now of course I'm both excited and relieved things might work out soon and terrified that they won't.
Meanwhile (the reason beyond updating that I'm posting this!), as I get ready to fully move into the place that will hopefully be the "safe housing" part of this, it's been really hitting me that even though living a life that is normal-adjacent and okay-adjacent will inherently be orders of magnitude better than the last 5+ years and of course I'm prepared to be extremely grateful for that, I'm still going to have all the grief and emptiness I have now. Even though I will as always be (too) busy in some ways trying to get everything done in a day while dealing with chronic pain, no longer having so much time soaked up trying to survive whatever the problem of the week or PTSD meltdown of the day is means that I'm going to have hours and hours of empty time to fill every week.
When I talk about loss I know some people's minds will jump to the worst case personal scenarios so I will clarify that I am fortunate that by grief I don't mean the death of an immediate family member, not that kind of grief. A lot of different things - people who have been awful, deaths, horribleness in my neighborhood that was like family, lost time, and all the losses prior to the last few years in some ways since grief doesn't fully go away, and then things like a close friendship breakup last year that is not as painful as any of the above since we are both alive and managed to be kind to each other throughout the breakup but it's still over. It has been hitting me that a lot of the work of grieving everything from the past couple decades, like the work of dealing with PTSD, is what I had to get through these past couple years to have a chance of getting my shit together, but now that I've made enough headway on the work of grieving to be able to have a chance at my life being okay, the losses and emptiness themselves will still be there ("still be gone"?)
If anyone has suggestions for fun stuff to do, book and movie recommendations, &c, it would be a really good time for them! If anyone can recommend social stuff, e.g. friendly good-boundary-having discord servers, that would be amazing. I think y'all know my favorite things in fiction and music (fiddles, writing fanfic that comes to a screeching halt 2-3 times a chapter to talk about food, thoughtful meditations on torture?, swords) but I'm usually down to at least give media outside my wheelhouse a try.
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frostythefrostedfox · 6 months ago
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Spoiler Alert for Inside Out 2, you've been warned, if you keep reading from here on, that's entirely on you friendo
Nuff time has passed, and I know it's only been like a week, but in internet time that is like 500 days
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Inside out 2 was mid as fuck, not even Harry Potter makes me snooze this hard; is literally the first movie, with the same problems with the added problem of constant retcons and a super unsatisfactory ending. I would give it a 5.5/10, at least Blue Beetle made me feel something other than annoyance, even if that emotion was anger
I guess pixar wasn't lying, they are truly trying to massify the appeal of their new stuff by basically copypasting "The Current Trend TM" into the movie where it fits or not. What is this, a modern sonic videogame?
The scene in question was very well done, it felt very real, but don't forget there is still 85 minutes of movie to consider, and I bet it'll be just like the first one, where nobody remembers absolutely anything from the movie except for that one specific scene, the ending and the ending alone.
I really thought that pixar was onto something with Cars 3, when things seemed magical yet real, when the life lesson of the movie was something that is usually hard to hear, but no, instead we got "Be selfish and lie, that'll get you what you want", because that's exactly what the ending does by giving Riley what she wanted instead of punishing her for her blatantly shitty actions and being an even worse friend, nope, instead everything is solved with a hug and everyone's cool with her, what is accountability am I right?.
Joy apparently learned absolutely nothing from the first movie because now she has even more control and is doing even worse shit than before, in the first one she was just a control freak that kept the other emotions from doing anything, but in the second one she is even worse, now she straight up tries to make Riley forget things so she can create an idealized version that fits her perfect ideal of who Riley is, is like her whole take of the first movie wasn't that there has to be room for other emotions and that it is okay to not be happy all the time, her take seem to be that you should absolutely get rid of everything that doesn't makes you happy because that's just easier than acknoledge your mistakes, lie to yourself every single day of your life, that'll make you happy! And the least said about how Starbucks Karen coded she is in this movie compared to the first one, the better
I am not even going to talk about the huge ammount of inconsistencies with the first movie that were just shoved in for unknown reasons, like Nostalgia, did y'all forgot that Nostalgia is the emotion that Riley discovers at the end of the first movie when the memories of her past are a mix of sadness and happiness?
And lastly the marketing, it was the most corporate thing I've ever seen since the garfield movie, ew, never thought anyone could ever do it worse. Just product placement in bigger brands so they can hijack your attention for a couple of seconds while you consume another product and secure their money by force-exposing everyone to their movie. If those had been stand-alone ads I wouldn't have a problem, because that is the point of advertisement, to sell you something, and we know what happens when you barely show the movie you're trying to make money out of, like Elemental, but y'all could at least pretended to believe in your own product's ability to stand on its own two legs instead of ductaping it to literally every other brand that was popular enough at the time.
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littlemisstfc · 1 year ago
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We All Owe Jake Foushee An Apology: Why I Don't Like VA Fanbases
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Hello, Hola, こんにちは。
Welcome back to this side of the Hundred Acre Woods and I wanna ruin lunch today. You can thank Harriyanna Hook for that last bit akskskskksks. 
If you know me by now, you know that I have the utmost respect for voice actors, especially those who embrace their roles in various Transformers media. They were the voices of our childhoods for a reason, and they deserve much better from the film and tv industry. I don’t have the generous feeling towards their hardcore stans. 
Unfortunately, like everyone who has achieved a level of fame and success, their fanbases has a mix of good, sane fans and fans that make Misery look like a Disney movie. For some reason, when it comes to voice actors and Transformers, a good chunk of the fanbase has an overzealous mentality of, “there could only be ONE voice actor for one character.” If you know where this is going, you are correct. I am calling out the Peter Cullen stans today. 
3, 2, 1, Pingu.
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Bad Voice Direction Was The Problem, Not The Voice Actor
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Before y’all ask, no, nothing happened to either Peter or the subject of today’s blog post today. This is just something I have been thinking about for a while now.
Do not get me wrong: Peter Cullen is a very kind and caring man who deserves all the accolades and praise for his work in Transformers for the past 39 years. Having met him in person earlier this year felt like meeting Santa Claus. He was genuinely that amazing. However…his fanbase is something else. The best comparison I could think of at the top of my head is the Beyhive, aka Beyonce’s fanbase. Like, at the same time, I’ve seen the best and very worst of this fanbase. The good is that I have made friends and acquaintances that share the same appreciation and adoration I have for PeePaw. The bad is that I have seen people who legitimately worship the ground this man stands on and will do anything to maintain him as the one and only Optimus Prime. Like, within a couple of new years, every time there’s a new Transformers show, take a good guess which part of the fandom shows up the most in the comments section, specifically when there’s an Optimus Prime.
“That’s not Peter Cullen, wtf.”
“I want Peter Cullen as this Optimus.”
“This new Optimus’ voice sucks, I want Peter Cullen back.”
These are the best summaries I can come up with when it comes to how y’all react whenever there is a new voice actor for Optimus Prime. Y’all did it with David Kaye when Animated came around, y’all did it with Alan Tudyk when Earthspark came around, but these pale in comparisons to truly the most crazy, awful moment when shit hits the fan: Jake Foushee, when Cybeverse and the WFC Trilogy came around.
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For those who do not know who Jake Foushee is, he was the voice actor of Optimus Prime in Transformers Cyberverse and the War for Cybertron Trilogy. Before he was casted, he gained a fanbase due to his Optimus Prime impression and work as a Vine creator. In fact, it was an interview on the Ellen show that got him casted as Prime in the first place. The only off thing about his casting is that John Hasbro didn’t want to hire union voice actors for these two Transformers shows. Like…they damn well have the money to pay their voice actors, that’s something I’ll still hold John Hasbro accountable for to this day. Anyways, back to the main topic. I remember back when Cyberverse and the WFC Trilogy were airing, I see a surprising amount of people who harbor extreme reactions towards Jake Tillman’s voice acting as Optimus in these shows. 
“The voice actor sucks as Optimus.”
“Ewww, wtf. This is just a bad impersonation.”
“Why won’t Hasbro bring back the REAL voice of Optimus Prime?”
Again, these are simply paraphrases of genuinely nasty ass comments about Jake that basically screams They Changed It, Now It Sucks. Notice that last paraphrase here. What does this remind you of? I’ll give you three seconds.
If you guess correctly, you are correct. A good chunk of the hate towards this voice actor is from the hardcore Peter Cullen purists, aka the #BringBackPeterCullen crowd. Like…did y’all forget the basic value of, “if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything at all”? It’s not that fucking hard to say gross shit like this, like you’d be surprised at how many people often forget that these voice actors are real people. They’re real people who will read your hate comments, who will be hurt by your hate comments, and who will be discouraged from doing what they love because of your hate comments. When it comes to moments like this, it seems like y’all forgot the elephant in the room: the voice direction and script.
Cyberverse and the WFC Trilogy are a great way to show how much potential Jake Foushe has and how it will go wrong if it’s in the hands of a bad voice director and script. Cyberverse showed how utterly phenomenal Jake is as Optimus. In the first season, yeah, it was a bit rough around the edges. However, as the show goes on, he was given the direction to be himself rather than be a hardcore impression. His voice as Optimus has improved and it felt natural by the time we get to, “The Perfect Decepticon.” Compare his vocal performance in the third episode of Season One and the finale. It’s like day and night in the best ways.
However…then there’s the WFC Trilogy. For some reason, the voice direction and script set out to undermine Jake Foushee and the other voice actors of these shows as much as they can. As a result, it became the impression that y’all were quick to condemn Jake for. It felt like whoever was in charge of the voice acting for these three shows did not care about the implications of what they were doing with the voice direction. As a result, the nasty ass comments came and it eventually boiled to a point where after these shows ended, he doesn’t bring up his roles in them. I don’t blame him if it has something to do with the huge fan backlash to his casting as Optimus Prime.
Think Before You Speak: Fandom Brain Rot is A Curse
At this point, y’all just need to give up the whole #BringBackPeterCullen thing. It’s fine to feel upset over John Hasbro not giving him the respect he deserves around the hiring non union era. It’s fine to feel upset over John Hasbro not even bothering to ask him if he would like to come back as Optimus. However, it does not give you the excuse to be a shitty person towards whoever’s voicing Optimus in a new Transformers show. Sometimes, a new voice actor is necessary depending on the characterization and age a show is going with Optimus. Don’t worry about Peter. He still got the movies under his belt and there will be another show with him soon. I guarantee it. There’s no way that John Hasbro is gonna miss out on bringing him back.
In the meantime, we need to be better when it comes to whoever will be the next Optimus Prime. A part of the reason why I dreaded the announcement of the voice cast for Transformers: One is because of fans like these ones. Like, some of y'all forgot how to be decent human beings when your fav is not voiced by your fav voice actor. It has gotten to the point of being genuinely irritating. 
You may be asking what is the point of this entire blog post. The point is that time and time again, we have forgotten that voice actors are human beings too. This type of fan dumb needs to stop. Y’all did it before and y’all are doing it now with annoying shit like change.org petitions and angry fan letters. At this point, Imma about to say this:
We all owe Jake Foushee an apology big time.
Even if you don’t like his voice acting, you have to at least see something with the points I’ve made here. It will continue to rinse and repeat unless we put our feet down and stop it. We need to be more welcoming and encouraging to new talent who have big shoes to fill in. Having respect and adoration towards the veterans of Transformers while also respecting and being open to new talent who have the potential to co-exist. These are not two mutually exclusive things.
We all owe Jake Foushee an apology. 
Till All Are One: A Lesson To Be Learned
As Cyberverse Week is coming in a few days, I need to make my point very clear as one of the biggest Cyberverse fans out here. Sometimes, the new may be just as good as the old. I always have the hope of seeing Jake one day at a convention such as TFCon, especially since he voiced my second favorite Optimus ever. 
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I'm glad that more people are starting to realize that the backlash against whoever voices Optimus Prime in a new show is just plain dumb. Imagine my relief when I Tweeted a bit about this topic the other way on Twitter and saw a lot of people agreeing with how awful the backlash against Jake Foushee is.
We need to do better as a fandom. It starts with unpacking our biases and be open to change. Transformers is a franchise that revolves around robotical organisms that change, yet ironically the fandom doesn't like change.
Still, I won't let that affect my perception of voice actors in the franchise. I encourage you all to not send any hate messages to any voice actor and be open to change. I may not change everyone's minds, but I hope it gave you all something to think about.
Anyways, Pingu.
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marble-arble · 5 days ago
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Hey, I yap a lot and I engaged in a lot of stuff this year. Let’s talk about 2024.
Things I deemed worth remembering in 2024
Films:
Police Story (1985): Best martial arts movie ever? Probably. I understand why Every Frame A Painting was so disillusioned by Jackie Chan’s US work (though I’m certain Jackie Chan doesn’t mind how well it pays the bills). Really just a masterclass in combining comedy and action. The last 10 minutes of raw action, perfection.
Hundreds Of Beavers (2023): Speaking of comedy, holy shit. This is the biggest love letter to video games and looney tunes I’ve ever seen. I think this is one of the best to ever do it. Perfectly walks the line between cheap and charming to the point where the latter would be lost without the former.
The Lighthouse (2019): Was everything everyone hyped it up to be. Anything I could say would either be lacking or a pale imitation of what’s already been said by people smarter than me.
Sunset Boulevard (1950): I took a film noir class this semester! I didn’t pay attention or care about most of them ahah. But, this one is a banger. Gloria Swanson owns every scene as Norma Desmond. Her performance made this movie. Everyone else was up to snuff of course, and a sharp script coupled with incredible shot composition makes this the best film I saw in that class and one of the best I saw this year.
Eega (2012): Do not look anything up about this movie. Don’t even search for it by its title. Find friends and just watch it. The entire way through. You can get past those first 30 minutes and it will be worth it.
They Live (1988): We gotta aim for anti-capitalist radicalization this fast irl (this is a joke). John Carpenter’s musclebound 80’s extravaganza, anything but subtle, but a good time throughout. Has one of the most dragged out fight scenes I’ve ever seen and I loved every minute of it.
Playtime (1967): Jesus christ. One of those “How did they do this?” movies like Police Story but instead of stunt work it’s the blocking. It’s almost exhausting despite it being nothing but looking at people go about their day. It’s quite good in fact! But you can definitely feel the exhaustion director Jacque Tati had with modern life by the end. A worthy movie to go into financial ruin for.
Shorter Films/TV
Various Works of Jan Svankmajer (1989, 1988, 1982, 1966, 1964):
I was introduced to him last year in a film class with the “Lunch” segment from 1992’s “Food”. Haven’t checked out the rest from that collection but I loved that one segment so much that this year I decided to dive into his other works. Cinemassacre has a great video that gives five great shorts to check out from him as a beginner. I’ll be talking about the ones he recommended, however, out of the chronological order he suggests, but if you’re curious and want a guide, use his.
“Darkness Light Darkness” from 1989 is so charming to me. I think human bodies are just very funny things, watching him construct one in real time reminded me of some of my own strange thoughts about my own body. His 1988 sports (i say that word loosely) comedy “Virile Games” is like a monty python sketch with 90’s nicktoons humor. I don’t have any better way to describe it, that’s just what it is to me. 1982’s “Dimensions In Dialogue” feels at parts Jan flexing his mastery over the stop motion/claymation medium. Impressive claywork in two of the segments and some fascinating materials for stop motion in one. Also his most direct feature with its messaging and subtext.
1966’s puppet show endeavor “Punch and Judy” was kinda a miss for me. Some great moments in the very end but it felt the most aimless. Still enjoyed it but not one I think I’ll revisit very soon. However his first ever feature, 1964’s “The Last Trick” I’ve revisited plenty. Being at the very start of Svankmajer’s career, he’s not messing around with the stop motion, claymation, collage style he became known for. But I think he’s still in top form here. A lot of charming effect work and enjoyably surreal comedy from two magicians who desperately want to one up each other. I think it stands as one of his best even if later on his style became much more daring.
I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my time with Svankmajer. I’ll probably get around to his feature length films “Alice” and “Conspirators of Pleasure” with more of his short films along the way. If you have a love for strange mediums and a somewhat off kilter sense of humor, I really recommend trying out his shorts.
X-Men ‘97 (2024): I’ve never seen the original 90’s cartoon and don’t plan to. ‘97 delivers on every level. Stunningly gorgeous, perfectly structured (remembering you can have a serialized narrative but have episodes that can stand on their own was a welcome holdover from the 90’s), and the best monologues I’ve heard in a minute. Feels like the first revival to understand and embrace the appeal of the original work yet still have the courage and finesse to elevate the material with some great creative decisions. Hope the team and new head writer can keep the momentum going from season two onwards.
Radio TV Solutions “RTVS” (idfk): Preaching to the choir, I love this channel. A friend late last year and early this year got me hooked on Wayne’s selfaware ai half life saga. Other friends upped the ante by getting me into RTVS other works. They’re really fucking funny. I can be watching a stream for a fake console, nosferatu going into the public domain, or even a merch reveal stream for Pizza Tower and they’ll hit me with the most obtuse bits that remind me I’m a very weird person who’s very happy to find equally weird yet incredibly funny people.
Manga (Mostly):
Jujitsu Kaisen (2018-2024): I started reading this last year but with it officially calling wraps, I think now is a good time to say my thoughts on it. It’s s’alright. I really loved how much Gege’s art evolved throughout the series, I especially liked where his style was by Culling Games onward. But, this was a bit of a rush job. I can see why many left the series disillusioned with the conclusion. Can’t say I’m crazy about it myself, buuuut I think I had a good time by the end.
One Piece (1997-): We really are in the final saga. I'm gonna have this mostly be my thoughts on the insane climax of Egghead island cause wow. I had my reservations hearing murmurings that the final saga of One Piece would be only 5 years long. But if Oda plays his cards right (and the multiple decades spent on weekly manga don’t catch up and kill him) he could end it then. Fantastic arc that escalated so much in its climax I get why the anime announced a hiatus. Gonna be great watching all this play out when it’s animated.
Azumanga Daioh (1999-2002): Yeah. It’s peak. Azuma just knows how to make the most insane characters worm their way into your heart. The dynamics and interactions were perfect, art only got better. Beautiful series that does everything it needs to.
Yotsuba&! (2003-): Ofc I had to start what most people consider to be Azuma’s best work still going on today. I can see why so many love this series. Azuma captures the essence of being a child so earnestly without it ever feeling fake or overly-sentimental. The supporting cast is even better than Azumanga Daioh with some really incredible characters throughout (and Yanda). I think I prefer Azumanga Daioh just a bit for how good the interplay with the main cast is in that series, but Yotsuba is a wonderful manga.
Marvel’s New Ultimate Universe (Spider-Man, X-Men, Ultimates 2024): These were the three Ultimate universe titles I chose to follow. Now I’m about 2 months behind on what's been happening with them but I liked what I was reading. Very much a slow and steady start, this is Johnathan Hickman at the helm, the long con is always the end goal. But if you wanna try out a Big 2 comic, these are a great start.
Dungeon Meshi (2014-2023): I’m gonna save most of my thoughts on this when I talk about the anime I saw (and care to remember) this year. But the anime inspired me to read all of the manga and I’m very grateful I did. Ryoko Kui is a master. Probably the best fantasy story I’ve ever read.
Goodnight Punpun (2007-2013): Hey it’s that manga everyone treats like an SCP. Can’t say it's not warranted to some degree. If you have a headspace that’s easily swayed by any form of media, this could worsen depression for anyone going through it or with a history with it. And if not that, it’s not a very pleasant manga regardless of mental wellbeing. Very few punches are pulled, very few lines not crossed. But I do think this is the best manga Asano has made wholesale.
With the benefit of it being his longest work, Punpun feels like the most complete package. Now I’m usually pretty susceptible to any media I read/watch/play affecting my headspace. I think with my knowledge of Punpun’s legacy, I went into this with a ”Voyeur to tragedy” mindset which shielded me and left me shocked but also in awe of Asano’s abilities. Definitely not a manga for everyone or one I find myself able to really recommend. It’s to be read by those genuinely curious about it with or even because of its legacy. If you do, Punpun left me inspired and speechless at the same time.
Solanin: (2005-2006): The second work by Inio Asano I read. In some ways the more depressing one for me. I’m in my mid 20’s and am still figuring out what to do. I think the first half is stronger than the second half. The first chapter's statement that “Freedom without purpose is kinda boring” has stuck with me for a while now. The latter half I wasn’t as into, but it’s an incredibly honest story about the struggles of your mid 20’s and that expecting a grand coda to anything from it is a bit silly.
Dead Dead Demons DEDEDEDE Destruction: (2014-2022): My final Asano work for this trilogy, and wow. This one was a lot! Not even in the ways that Punpun was a lot thematically, DeDeDeDe packs so many ideas and concepts into it’s 100 chapters that somehow it’s climax, (that giving credit looking back Asano managed to elude to it somewhat), but it still feels rushed!!!
DeDeDeDe starts with what I assume was Asano showing two girls friendship (debatable) persevering through a looming disaster, also becomes commentary about social media feeding our worst habits, radicalism, and modern times in general. Sometimes it's incredibly kind and empathetic with characters like Makoto, other times it feels like Asano goes for the lowest hanging fruit for mockery, sometimes someone looks like they came from Doraemon. Intentionally of course, very aware what the Isobyean sections was meant to be a sendup of.
I can’t really get into it without spoiling which even with my mixed feelings towards the ending I don’t wish to spoil. I guess the hook for me was Kadode and Ontan’s bond and the series seems to be focusing on that. But the way everything wraps up felt way too out of left field. A manga that wanted to tackle big ideas through an intimate lens but I think it lost that balance by the end. Probably my second favorite work by Asano. Could’ve been first, oh well.
Shimeji Simulation (2019-2023): By the same author as Girls Last Tour, I probably would not have given this a shot if not for the recommendation of a friend and it’s pretty damn good. Tsukumizu has such an enjoyably loose approach to manga. Alternating between traditional page layout and 4komas that are sometimes 4.5komas, this is a manga that embraces surrealness with the most casual touch. The writing really captures depression in its most genuine sense. It’s not miserable, but it isn’t happy. If you’ve ever had days where it feels like anywhere you go is just a detour from your room, it’s like that. A manga for people who’ve had hazy brains on clear days. I’m slowly chipping through it. Maybe it’ll be 2025 when I finish it. I do recommend it wholeheartedly.
Video Games:
Dragon Quest III HD-2D (2024): Game of the year. I’ve been looking forward to this game for so long and I loved it. I’ve never played DQ3 before but this delivered on every front. The HD-2D style is what it should be (imo) with no mixels getting in the way. The story isn’t mind blowing but charming nonetheless. So many little setpieces and ideas here that feel like you can see the ripples this game would have on many games later. Not perfect of course. The battles don’t really have much strategy beyond how hard and fast you can hit and how much you minimize damage taken from getting hit. And there were some noticeable difficulty spikes with some bosses which made me pretty bitter. But I still loved this game to the very end. Definitely seeing myself replaying this and messing around more with its class system. Absolute beast of a JRPG.
Star Fetchers: Escape from Pork Belly (2024): I loved the pilot, I supported the kickstarter for Episode 1. I loved the demo for episode 1, and I loved this dlc to tide us over until Episode 1 comes out. Everything great about Star Fetchers in a quick one and done Punch Out style adventure, and a great showcase for what tech they’ve been working on for Episode 1. I can’t wait to see what they have in store.
Lunisitice (2022): I’m not crazy into 3D Platformers outside of a select few and this one might have become my favorite. It’s incredibly charming and simple. It's a game I can just pop on whenever I wanna smile a bit. Really loved it.
Celeste (2018): I’m not crazy into ~~3~~ 2D Platformers outside of a select few and this one might have become my- you get it. Really wonderful to finally play this game. I’m no platforming expert, my strawberry count was pitifully low and I’m definitely not enough of a platforming pervert to attempt the B-Sides. But the heart on display here did show me why so many love this game, and I do too.
Enjoy The Diner (2023): What a remarkably chill game. The only thing that I think matches this game's approach to writing and by extension Sci-Fi is Shimeji Simulation. And even then both of them feel a bit too different to really be lumped together. I’ve never felt a game that was so content in letting pieces fall where they may in its writing. There’s rarely a cause for panic, no urgency whatsoever. It’s another series that takes a very casual approach to surreality with sci-fi. This is a vibe, an experience to go through if you’ve ever had conversations with a friend at 3 in the morning.
Webfishing and Atlyss (2024): I will lump these two together as I hope experiences made with furries in mind crop up more and more as we go into another hell world lol. Loved both of em, chose a great year to embrace being a furry and all that brought with it.
Anime:
Dungeon Meshi Season 1 (2024): Fantastic. Trigger knocked it out of the park. I only got into it this year, but this is such a fun take on dungeon crawling. Starts deceptively simple with a fun gimmick that greatly appeals to me and my love of food, then (remember when I said I read the whole manga because of this anime) completely sidewinds you with incredibly deep pathos and some beautiful character moments. Laios and company are just the perfect DnD group. Can’t wait to see how Trigger adapts some of the later chapters and the major surprises and turns within them. Fantastic.
A decent chunk of Dragon Ball Z’s original 90’s dub: I got into Dragon Ball when the Kai re-cut was airing on Nicktoons. That was my exposure to the saga of Dragon Ball Z. So I got to watch a series with no filler and a dub that was made with faithfulness to the original script in mind (and a score that I hesitate to say is great for reasons already known if you ever followed what happened with the composer for Kai).
With friends I watched the original dub with the Faulconer score, all the filler pacing intact, and a dub with as many wisecracks the translators wanted to put in. Honestly, it was fun. I’m very aware of the debates that have been had about changes from sub to dub and had them as well. Do I like this more than Kai? No. But was it fun? Yes.
Dandadan (2024): I never got into Dandadan’s manga, but science saru’s adaptation has left me charmed and impressed multiple times. Not a lot to say, this will definitely put this series on the map for many.
One Piece (1999): Well the anime is still flexing its animation team and budget acquired since Wano Act III. Egghead is still marred by the usual pacing issues sticking with One Piece’s anime since Enies Lobby, but if you’re gonna stretch moments to fill an episode, may as well do it with the most bombastic moments you can. Can’t blame em for the hiatus as so many moments later on are gonna need a lot of tlc if they’re gonna hit. Also that opening, “Assu!” Best opening One Piece has ever had. They really should let Megumi Ishitani do more with One Piece.
One Piece Fan Letter (2024): Well hey, ask and you shall receive. This is so much more than I could ever expect it to be. What could’ve been just a cute segway into the Fishman Island recut is also the biggest love letter to One Piece I’ve ever seen. Ishitani and co. understand the heart of this series, why you love it, why you laugh at it, and all the emotions it carries. Ishitani’s style is as fluid as ever and her skills as a director make her the best thing to happen to any shonen anime ever. I need her to direct a One Piece movie. And I need all of you to experience One Piece, if not just for how good One Piece is, for how amazing this one OVA is. I left this OVA with such a big smile on my face.
Bakemonogatari (2009): I’ve known about Monogatari. I’ve always been curious about Monogatari. I’ve watched plenty of memes that recreated its eccentric editing style in other media, I also knew how much this show was accused of being for anime perverts (derogatory). After a friend's recommendation once again, I watched it.
Y'know what, yea. It’s got lots of pervert shit but it was fucking worth it for me. This was wonderful. The presentation is an acquired taste but you can acquire it as soon as Bakemonogatari ends. I loved its rapid editing style, its soundtrack, and the characters. The presentation is top notch, but I loved so many characters by the end of its 15 episode run.
Initially I pinned the go crazy go nuts girl Suruga as my favorite, though looking back at her arc Suruga Monkey is maybe one of the weaker ones in Bake. Not bad, but feels weaker in comparison. I still quite like Suruga, and both Hitagi and Hachikuji are great with arcs that measure up as well.
I got to Nadeko Snake. Loved it. My feelings on Nadeko herself are positive though I think I gotta give her time to grow on me (She can pat herself on the back for the best opening in Bake). Anyways, I was enjoying myself thoroughly. Thinking it was a good experience but maybe not something I’ll leave much with. Then the final arc Tsubasa Cat bookends ybe season.
Wow. I always liked Tsubasa. Her presence was great in the past arcs, but her arc, god it was so good. I won’t spoil but certain moments and revelations hit me close to home in ways I didn’t expect. Is Tsubasa my favorite character now? Maybe, I still have a ways to go with this series, but that arc, I like that arc a lot. I like Bakemonogatari a lot.
Kizumonogatari Trilogy (2016-17): I liked it so much I immediately jumped into the prequel that the director spent just shy of a decade making. If you want the long and the short of it, all three good, but here’s a rough recollection of my headspace throughout all 3.
Iron Blooded: Wow this movie is pretty. This artstyle is kinda fucking everything, oh the cut ins are french now that’s cool. God this movie is so fucking pretty. Holy shit what an entrance. I can see why it took just shy of a decade to put this out. Phenomenal, next one.
Hot Blooded: God this movie is fucking pretty. This series also has an incredible ost, thank fucking god, holy shit this action. God I love you Hanekawa. Also it’s fascinating watching Araragi be more in line with what is usually expected from a light novel protagonist. Bake has him as a hapless but endearing lead, but here he’s a very adolescent loner who can barely compose himself in Kizu. There’s something very interesting as both in adaptation and original publication Bake starts the entire Monogatari series. The allusions to everything that happened in Kizu were quickly revealed in publication as Kizu is the second monogatari book published. But the anime, being a passion project by the director, continued with every book from Kizu onward. I’m glad I’m watching Kizu when I do, I think having this context going forward will be nothing but helpful. But back on topic, Araragi is a very different guy here. Also cause I didn’t mention her earlier Kiss-Shot is wonderful.
Cold Blooded: God this movie is SO fucking pretty- Oh.
Now, I made a post not too long ago about how this trilogy left me with a lot to chew on. I’ll admit here, a lot of it is Cold-Blooded but the whole package really stunned me. Every praise I've lauded the last two here applies to Cold Blooded as well, even more I think. But it’s final moments cut deep for me. I wish I could elaborate more and how many incredible moments there are in Cold Blooded, but words fail me in that regard. I’ve had to think about how this is the beginning of Monogatari. This is what inspires Araragi to stop being such a loner, and choosing to live and make the incredibly meaningful bonds he develops in Bake. Araragi makes the decision to start growing up.
I wrote, like, five pages on what Kizumonogatari made me feel. And I think all together Kizu was discussed in about 2 pages collectively. The rest was a very personal mess of words. It’s weird, Kizu gave me the ability to write about things I thought I never could, but what I wrote about was a lot. And I’m too much of a coward to post that in confidence without thinking it would be unwelcome. It’s stuff I want to share one day. It’s me admitting a lot of things. If anyone is interested I’ll share. But at the moment I don’t have the confidence to talk about it without it feeling like it’s unwelcome, too much, and lacking finesse. This movie made me reflect on a lot. Mentally and Identity wise. I’ll always thank it for that
2024 was a weird one for me. Lotta good, some bad, a whole lot of introspection this fall. Let’s see what 2025 will bring.
Have a Happy New Year Everyone
Best Movie: Police Story (but also Kizumonogatari)
Best Not A Movie: Jan Svankmajer’s strange works.
Best Manga/Comic: Azumanga Daioh
Best Video Game: Dragon Quest III: HD-2D
Best Anime: Kizumonogatari Trilogy
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alwek · 26 days ago
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Spiders In My Head: The Young, The Old, The Queer
I was at a recent local trans meet-up, and two things struck me. Someone was far younger than I thought, causing me to think back to when I was always the youngest in these things. And someone reminded me of how i was at that age.
I used to be the quietest mother fucker at the group. I would not speak unless what was being spoken of I was 100% sure I knew interesting or accurate information for. I'd just sit, and listen, and if I saw a chance )and didn't hesitate to long), I'd try and take it.
So when that's exactly what this girl did, I did what was done for me when I was the new and nervous and barely out girl. Just included it to the convo all casual, like she'd always been part of the conversation. Then just like I did, she said a couple more things and never spoke again that night. I hope she went home with the same feeling I did when I was in her shoes.
[Made a read more because honestly, the post should end there, but I have more to say]
I try not to think about my past. Usually leads to horrific memories, but tonight, I feel reminiscent.
I knew I was trans at 13, probably 14, when I woke up from a dream. I had gone to sleep that night thinking about the button that turns you into a girl for a day. I had been thinking, "a day isn't long enough to get a good understanding of it. You'd need to do at least a week!" I fell asleep thinking about what I'd want to do in that scenario.
When I woke up, I felt utterly and truly like cisgender girl. Like all those 13 years a boy were a weird dream. When I realized I wasn't, I felt a terrible pain underneath my skin that hasn't yet gone away.
I used to think it never would. That I'd be stuck like this forever. A year later, I'd learn what transgender was from an old friend who transitioned in high school. My parents were fine with me liking boys (caught me taking shirtless picks), and had even told me there was nothing wrong with LGBT people. They didn't take it well the first time I said I wanted to be a girl.
I was already a shut-in, and my parents moved me around so much I never got to make lasting friends. I'd keep to myself, and I'd grown up learning not to speak unless acknowledging something someone else said. All to say, I was never quite the socialite.
I was always so jealous of social kids. I wanted to go to parties and always have people to talk to and be liked, desired even! That life always managed to allude me while under my parents' care.
Then my ex wife told me she'd love me as a girl. I booked an appointment the next day. I didn't tell my parents until I had already taken my first dose. I knew they wouldn't agree with what I was doing and find a way to make me stop, just like they had before, so I kept my mouth shut. Loose lips sink ships and what not. When I told them, they didn't take it well.
That was fine, though. I'd finally realized I didn't need their permission anymore. That didn't make talking at all the queer functions I could take myself to easier, however. Transitioning certainly made me feel better about myself, and my autistic ass bagged a baddie for a while there who helped me out of my shell more than anyone else ever has. But that didn't make talking easier.
These days you basically couldn't pay me to shut up. I love to talk! I love sharing and gaining information, and what better way to do so than by a conversation over function food? So as I reminisce, I can't help but smile at where I was. Oh, how far I've come from baggy pants and large hoodie. I'm going to parties with friends, and I'm getting back involved with local queer shit, and I've got tits!
And think, it all might not have happened if one day two years ago, I didn't feel so casually included in a conversation. It really is surprising what little things can change our lives.
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box-bunny-grey · 1 month ago
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A Washed Up WoW Raider (from original release Cataclysm) Decides to Dip His Toes into FFXIV Savage Raiding and fails to clear an Ultimate
“This is a pretty easy raid tier.”
Had a subject I decided to write another mostly unedited blog post about. Let’s see how it goes!
So, since I started playing FFXIV I’ve been avoiding high end raiding. After having just completely burnt out on serious content in WoW a while back but still enjoying MMOs I’ve been trying my best to do so. Having felt Heavensward be the point where I still felt the toxic WoW player in me before that finally bled out probably around mid-Stormblood, I’ve been enjoying finding what I can to do. But on occasion I have dipped my toes into Extremes, and that’s always when a boss “hits me” right. Like something about the fight or the aesthetic gets me. Susano’s sword qte got me to clear it on extreme while still ‘current’ content, while the hectic nature of Barbariccia’s fight made me want to try it. But I never tried a savage because well, top content. After all, none of the tiers really spoke to me with their normal mode fights. But when Arcadion came out I just felt something click in. Something in me found the whole tournament arc, each boss having a separate theme, being voiced, and just the implication of what the tactics for savage could be. So I decided to take the plunge.
And decide fuck it, let’s make it a whole blog post because it might be fun.
Black Cat: the guild officer in me rears his ugly head
So, when I was first trying this fight I told some friends who said “Hey, let’s get together some other friends to do it for the hell of it!” So I decided why not? Dedicated people, probably better than party finder. So I waited to see if someone would say something since I figured someone else was ‘leading.’ Well waited a couple weeks and nothing came of it, so I decided you know what. I’ll say a day, see if people want to do it. Sure enough the group members we had were all available so we went with it and…
Got in a single pull in which we wiped on the first mechanic before we quit. So. That sucked. And that should have been it but instead I started to have thoughts. “Oh the schedule’s all fucked.” “I let the group down.” “The guild leader’s going to kill… The guild leader?”
So.
Turns out I may have been affected by my time as a guild officer in WoW having a guild leader who expected a lot more out of me than you should trust someone at that age and would chastise me hard for any mistake I made in leading the b team raids and would do things like guilt trip me into doing heroic content even after I said I was burnt out and needed a break and would then chastise me for fucking up on content I told him I didn’t have the fortitude for anymore. Then would talk down to me when I got rightfully mad because he wasn’t respecting my decision to not try serious content for a bit!
But thankfully a friend from that group was kind enough to hear me out and let me know “This has nothing to do with being a grown-ass man shit like that can fuck you up.” And I think having that moment helped me because.
I then tried it again on my own after leaving the pseudo-static to try it on my own. And I found that I can at least handle long prog parties if I have the time set aside!
Because I was there for 4 hours.
Very funny thing, I was told after a few pulls to go off tank because apparently my invincibility button wouldn’t be up for Raining Cats if I did the thing every group did where you used the button on the first tank buster.
We never made it to Raining Cats.
I don’t even think we made it past Mouser 2.
But I stayed with it, even when we had the group seem to break up temporarily. But due to it I had to eat a late dinner while I waited. The night ended with me hearing the group leader complain to me about how their boyfriend and other raiders had decided to make a static without them and while a nice conversation. Kind of an odd thing to just tell a random person from party finder.
But even though I could do it it got me thinking: do I really have the patience for prog like this? Do I really care enough about pixels in a video game anymore to commit to these kinds of parties that go nowhere? While plenty of people have stories of people who made long lasting friendships over MMOs I uh… Didn’t.
Most people in my guild were probably anywhere from 5-10 years older than me and those within my age group wound up… Not being great. Like a Warrior who would pad meters by spamming AOE on a fight in which doing so made us explode and for some reason decided to roll on a sword he didn’t need and when asked to pass it to the person who did decided to…
Disenchant the weapon and mail him the shard saying “Here’s your sword : ).”
So yeah, all the while this slow progress and my own bad experiences made me say something on twitter.
And a different friend said in response “Hey, we have a free company that’s literally serious savage raiders who try to help players who are new to savage.” So after a day or two of thinking about it I thought.
Alright, fuck it. First few weeks didn’t say much, tried doing more party finder. Then eventually I went into voice chat and talked a bit and eventually they got me into a group and helped me clear (Despite me somehow managing to kill the MT WHO IS SAID FRIEND by going to the completely wrong place). So I thought that was as much time as they could spare and I get hit by.
“We’re taking you into Honey B Lovely.” “You Wha-”
Honey B Lovely: NOW THIS IS SPEED PROG
So, at that moment I found out what Speed Prog is.
Speed prog is when someone takes you into an instance and goes “Alright buddy time for you to learn the entire fight in one lockout because everyone here knows what they’re doing.”
So not much prog story, but due to the above happening I FREQUENTLY forget things in the fight. So now even having done it a few times I’ll say that no matter what. Alarm pheromones gets me. And I can hear you saying “Oh yeah alarm pheromones 1 is bullshit.” NOPE. SOMETIMES 2 FUCKS ME UP. REMEMBER ME. IT’S SUPPORTS AND DPS. NOT LIGHT PARTIES.
Brute Bomber: The Frustrations and Limits of Party Finder
So having been essentially carried through the first two fights I was feeling pretty good, and decided to give a shot at continuing prog before I asked for help and first groups were pretty good, frequent progression forward to the point that I even made my way through Chain Deathmatch 2! Bombarian Barrage might still make me take a sharp inhale every time but I was pretty consistent! So I kept going and find out that…
Party Finder lies to you!
Fusefield prog? Nope, Final Fusedown prog!
Chain Deathmatch 2 prog? NOPE. Final Fusedown prog!
Fuse or Foe prog? NOPE. FINAL FUCKING FUSEDOWN PROG!
(Stated by a person who took longer than he cares to admit that it’s SLIGHTLY BEHIND THE MARKER for Final Fusedown.)
So I’m talking to the free company I’m in and someone says “Oh you’re that far? Just prog skip there’s nothing new to see.”
So sure enough I join clear parties and find that yes, the only thing I haven’t done is really easy and
So. Many. Are. Still. Final. Fusedown. Prog.
But again, a few members of this free company came on by down the wire and helped me out with a clear so I could be a part of reclears the upcoming week. Where I learned “AH ONE DOES HAVE TO TIME THEIR INVINCIBILITY BUTTON.” Good news, I only ate the last one and died rather than caused a slow death across the party!
Where I may have died and fucked up a bit but HEY FIRST CLEARS ARE LIKE THAT HEE HOO.
Wicked Thunder: Where Confidence is Born
So we’ve gotten to the final boss and in my first party finder pull.
And we die to the first raidwide. And you know what?
Everyone took it well! We just laughed about “Damn, that raidwide does need mitigation.” That’s one thing I’ve noticed from a lot of Party Finders, most people tend to be good sports and try to figure out what’s going wrong over just screaming at each other. Remember how I said it took me a while to figure out Final Fusedown? Well that was fixed because one of the parties figured out I was out of place and told me where I should be on the marker!
And boy howdy did I have fun with those early phases. No matter how much we wiped there was something hilarious to me about exploding during Electrope Edges. Even had someone who was out of place and overcharged me rage quit with this message:
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But sure enough Electrope Edge is where things kept getting screwed up, and somehow during stacks I’d always find that things didn’t seem right.
Doing some runs with the raiding friend I found out “OH. FOR STACKS THERE ARE SET POSITIONS THAT AREN’T JUST MY MARKER SPOTS.” And through that I eventually make it to Sunrise Sabbath!
… I mean I was so overwhelmed by it I just stood in the middle and was definitely the reason that one didn’t wind up being a kill and I think shortly after a DDOS hit that caused use to have to stop pulling but HEY I CAN SAY I’VE SEEN EVERYTHING.
So I pushed on on my own and had plenty of characters that were on my blacklist temporarily. Some people bad, some people just obnoxious, and some that are wonderful people playing very well and making up for the fact that my dumbass died twice when I finally got that clear.
But I got the clear. In Party Finder. And I felt a feeling I haven’t felt in a while. That absolute adrenaline rush when you finally get a clear. The music, the tension, the closeness as sword quiver goes out. It’s that feeling of finally getting done with a boss and knowing that you are good enough at the game to do that. And as I did so I kept seeing that despite my zero parse on M4S, despite the mostly grey parses I had, I could tell one thing.
Wow I am better than most people in PF Jesus.
But what makes me say that? Well…
The Pain of Reclears
So, due to scheduling conflicts and one section later reclears started to not happen over in the free company. Which I was fine with might as well try to do them on my own because aftera ll everyone’s cleared this will be painless. Right?
Fun fact, when I did that 4 hour M1S party one of the people leading it said, and I quote:
“You guys are honestly better than most clear parties.”
I.
I thought he was joking.
HE WAS NOT JOKING. OH GOD HE WAS NOT JOKING.
IT’S FUSEFIELD PROG NOW THEY CAN DO FINAL FUSEDOWN BUT NOW IT’S ALL FUSEFIELD.
IT WASN’T EVEN THE HEALERS THEY WERE FINE JUST EVERYONE FUCKED IT UP FOR LIKE 3 DIFFERENT PARTIES AND THE ONE THAT GOT HIT 1% ENRAGE 4 TIMES AND THE RED MAGE KEPT DYING.
Also somehow the Dancer who it was being cleared for was the only one who didn’t fuck up any tactics which is really funny. They might have gotten a zero parse but fuck man good on ya you got your clear and you can only improve.
That includes me I had the occasional messed up Lariat/Dive because I forgot which he was doing I ain’t perfect buddy let that be the lesson here.
Funny enough, M4S was far easier. Party had a wipe (literally my fault can’t even deny I fucked up Midnight Sabbath and murdered my partner because I tried to correct and just wound up confusing him) but like we had a pull where nearly all the ranged and healers died and we recovered and got the clear with that one.
And I main tanked that one! After that one party made me nervous and even got complimented! Because the summoner kept dying (they were aggravated with themselves sorry poor guy ya kept getting fucked) and happened to die during Mustard Bomb 2 leading to only one safe party member which the OT took so I had the opportunity to HALLOWED GROUND AND EAT IT RAW. THANK YOU OTHER TANK FOR LETTING ME MT SO THAT WAS UP SO I COULD FEEL COOL.
That was week 1 of me doing reclears on my own and well. Boy howdy I have some opinions but the most succinct version of it I can give is.
Uptime Sunrise is the funniest, most worthless resolution in the game. It turns a mechanic that might end with one person dying if someone is a little off to one that kills half the party. If your leader has markers even slightly off it means you’ll be dying and not knowing why. And as it turns out if DPS is high enough you can just skip it. It serves no purpose but to be put into the mind of Party Finder that those like what, 3 extra gcds will totally lead to a clear?
My plan had been originally to just clear and be happy, and now I’m BIS and have the mount. So I suppose I feel pretty good. Good enough to have decided to help out with something the friends were trying to do.
Perfect Alexander: Where We Learn Hell is Other People
So, there’s a funny thing people do if you do savage. And that’s that they say “Let’s do an ultimate!”
At first I was apprehensive but decided fuck it, nothing ventured nothing gained. After all, the group seemed pretty good. All people who had been helping me clear or people who already did Ultimates. By the end we had about 9 people so I even had an out if I decided to leave. So I thought.
Well, we had the three greatest problems any kind of group content has: Scheduling, Personalities, and Desperation.
The scheduling was a mess at first. Members who were only available at super late night and at very specific times (if people even remembered they had to tell the group organizer schedules) meant that early on we had a Tuesday night hat lasted about six hours. That got changed eventually to spread out the raid nights a bit more manageable. Unfortunately as it turns out two of our members just couldn’t make any of the times so that’s two down. But seven ain’t bad right? Well…
Personalities was me finding out that two people who were helping me may have, in fact, been big issues in the Free Company for a while and that the leader had finally had enough of their bullshit. This is made worse by the fact that, when I can only imagine they’re being told they’re going to be kicked, they decided to make a post claiming that they were leaving for their mental health. A real scumbag move! So that’s two more down.
Okay, not bad, there’s me sure but we still have three people who have cleared and are helping and someone who has done ultimates before. We just have to find people. And we found two fills who…
Had never set foot in even a Savage fight before. To their credit, they improved fast. But yeah we started to hit a desperation spiral especially with the last bits of problems.
We could not find a Physical Ranged DPS to save our lives. The first one we found was a pretty nice guy, was willing to adjust his schedule to meet raid times and even gave us a resource I used to figure out some of the trouble points like Limit Cut. Unfortunately data center travel screwed him over and he decided to leave the group as not to force us to have to play by the whims of sever availability.
Our second was a guy who just lied about his prog. Just outright lied. Pretty much washed the night, refused to get into VC for a significant period of time, and was gone the next night.
Our ‘final’ person was… So you know that kind of person who talks when they get nervous, and just won’t stop talking? The kind you feel bad for because you know it’s them just trying to keep themselves calm but they’re taking up the entire VC and it’s getting a little distracting but you can’t tell them to try to be quiet because you know that’s rude then one pull they just mute and deafen themselves saying ‘it’s okay I understand this I think’ and then they wipe you multiple times because you can’t tell them what to correct in time. And sometimes they say things that makes it feel like maybe it’s not a nervous habit but they’re a really big problem person who’s self-obsessive and the pull is going and you can’t ask for clear comms because you have no idea if they’ll fold in on themselves or reveal they’re a giant asshole who was just waiting for a fight.
So yeah we never had a consistent ranged DPS and by the end we hadn’t even made it past BJCC by our last week. And our last week was. Bad. People not able to make it, clear lack of interest due to knowing we’re not clearing, and PUGs that were the absolute worst kind of player.
We had some very nice, very understanding PUGs. But that last week our PUGs were RANCID.
So unfortunately, all this is to say we didn’t make it. It’s frustrating but hey it was a fun time for the most part and I’m glad I did it. Which begs the question of the most important question in this.
Is it worth it?
It’s.
Complicated.
Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun and enjoyed prog as I got my shit together and started to do better until we reached a kill for the fights. Frankly if you’re just going in to see if you can just get a kill and call it a day 100% go for it.
But thing is, I’m seeing stuff that turned me off of WoW raiding over the years as reclear nights go on. That kind of thing where you have no patience for people or the way you get advice is very clearly passive aggressive tone that makes its way through text.
As said in Black Cat I know this is all pixels. Pretty pixels but pixels nonetheless. And having not really gained much past finding out I have a weird trauma response to being in a leadership position in serious content from playing WoW I really don’t feel like having to deal with the MMO “and now everyone’s at each other’s throats because the one guy who actually fucked up isn’t owning up to it while someone else also fucked up and he’s trying to pin the blame on them.”
Don’t get me wrong, I think I’ll try to keep up with Savage content a bit. Maybe even keep up with TEA to see if I can’t get a clear and to see how funny it is with all the serious raiders more than likely doing FRU. Just seeing that the faces of raiding are more the same as what they were is something I keep thinking on.
Unfortunately, I’ve also become more aware of the XIV hardcore raiding scene. While I’m not a part of that boy howdy. Again. That sounds like every issue the WoW raiding scene has. Like shit man, I wish the worst of this was just people who clearly are too hardcore minded to understand that some things they want are things only they want. Now I’m aware of abuse and harassment constantly happening and man. Man that’s disheartening.
I’m here to play a game and people fuck up sometimes.
Anyways Here’s Some Random Advice
In general
You’ll die on first mechanic
That’s just going to happen. Raidwides that go unmitigated and wipe people, failed firs things. Give yourself the chance to learn and you’ll find fun in it.
Even if you’re a first time player you’ll find there are hardcore raiders worse than you
No seriously some of the worst people in some of my groups were literally sporting their legend weapons and titles trust me some people are just outright bad at the game because they try to act like the content can’t hurt them.
Try to be nice
I’m still mad about that fucking Viper getting snippy I will double the curse I put upon them just to be sure. Ask questions and own up to mistakes, practice parties know they’re not here for a clear.
No one will remember you (positive)
The people who will remember you are bad frankly are saying more about themselves than you. Like everything above, practice and improve and eventually you’ll get it.
And for Ultimate specifically
It’s a marathon, not a race
Expect these to take weeks or months. Yes you’ll see the occasional ‘I cleared x in 5 days’ or something videos but expect, especially if most of your group is learning, to be in it for the long haul.
As time goes on they get ‘easier’
Fun fact I learned: food and potions don’t scale with sync in XIV. This means that as time goes on these buffs become more powerful, and thus allow you some breathing room. No, you will not bullshit tactics BUT you will have some wiggle room with DPS checks and can have some screw ups with shields and such.
Just because someone has the weapon doesn’t mean they’re good
Some of our worst PUGs were people proudly displaying their weapon. Oh, paid legends you’d think yes? No. These people cleared. Multiple times. And they were frequently the reason for wipes due to not knowing their role. Or parsing. I am at a stage where I can honestly say I think parsers are the worst thing to exist in XIV, and I will always prefer grays across the board but a clear over someone greeding us to death.
So there it is. My bizarre journey of trying to see if I still got it, finding out I have a weird trauma response that I think I worked through with what they call exposure therapy (I think I’m not a therapist I don’t know terms), and then failing at an ultimate as I’m forced like a cosmic horror protagonist to see the truth of the World. It’s an experience! Figured the day before FRU was a good a time as any.
Thank you for reading here's my character on a capybara.
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