#feels really weird to be so alone. and there's not even that bit of sympathy online i saw for others

[prettyboykatsuki-moved]

call it quits or call it destiny | h. umemiya.

✮ tags ; afab + fem!reader(she/her pronouns, referred to as a girl, gets dressed up by tsubaki and kotoha), reader gets their hair braided (no desc of texture) and puts on makeup, lore heavy reader backstory + personality, deliquent!reader, gap moe, best friends to lovers, idiots to lovers, themes of insecurity, mutual pining,the use of she/her for tsubaki, jealousy, confessions, loss of virginity, creampies / unprotected sex, oral (f!recieving), fingering, 18+

✮ wc ; 13.9k (dont. don't say anything)

✮ a/n ; me when i completely lose my mind because i have a weekend off. whats wrong with me.

anyways. there's no major triggers for this but be forewarned reader is meant to be very rag-tag deliquent type. she has a strong personality and generally is not feminine. she is like a mangy street cat a bit. also if u want u should listen to easily by bruno major while reading.

✮ synopsis ; you've been quietly pining for umemiya for a little over ten years with no plans of confessing.

you did not have a plan for what you would do if umemiya confessed to you first.

Once a day, everyday - Umemiya will come into your store, pause, smile, and confess his love to you before going off on his own.  

And once a day, everyday, you reject this confession with a soft huff  telling him to quit being stupid before shooing him away.  

It's become a ritual. A fixture in your daily routine that you're not allowed to ignore despite how hard you're trying.  

He's been doing it for three months, more or less. 

His reason for confessing everyday? Because he’s waiting on the day you confess back, of course. Which you've refused to do for the last few months and will continue to refuse for as long as you’ve got.  

It's not because you don't like him, alright? 

You've known Umemiya since middle school and you've liked him for about the same time. One of the core memories of your childhood is the day you met him, crying while sitting on a  swing-set, after what felt like the worst day of your life. 

( On the day you run away from home, you seriously consider not going back.  

You don’t really know how long you sit there. People walk by but most of them move on quickly. It’s mid-day before anyone bothers to stop and ask you something.  

 "I've never seen you around  before.” A strange looking boy approaches, friendly and unassuming but not entirely cheerful “Did you just move here?"  

You keep quiet, closing your eyes and hoping your lack of response is enough to push him away. Your hope fizzles out when you hear the swing creak as he sits besides you. 

"I'm Umemiya Hajime. I live close by." His voice is airy and causal. "I'm sorry you're having a bad day.”  

"Fuck off," You reply bluntly, frowning. “I don’t need sympathy. Leave me the hell alone.”  

He pauses before pushing himself slightly forward to barely swing.  

“I couldn’t leave you alone while you’re sad,” He voices willfully. "It might make you feel better to talk about it." 

In disbelief at his response, you finally look up and asses him properly. It doesn’t do much to change your initial unfavorable impression. White hair, blue eyes and a little taller than you. You’re definitely about the same age. All of that to say, there’s something weird about him that you can’t quite place.  

Despite his manner and way of speaking though, you don’t actually think he’s that weak which makes his whole aura even more unnerving to you. His attempt at being non-threatening doesn’t work for him. He’s being a real try-hard about trying to make you comfortable… 

Either way, he’s got an air about him that puts you on the defensive.  

 Talking to someone about it had never been much of any option, and somehow it pisses you off that he’s being so brazen about it.  

Maybe if you tell him about, he’ll stop prying into your business. Or maybe you’re just looking for excuses to let off steam. 

You don't care anymore. You wipe your nose with the back of your sleeve.  

"I don't live here and I didn’t move. I ran away." You reply.  

He keeps looking at you, curious, inquisitive and sympathetic.  

"Why?"   

"I broke a girls nose." You scowl. The words rise up in your throat like bile. Make you feel cornered. The wounds too fresh. "It—she bullied me for years for one. And I never fought back, it was all petty bullshit anyway and I didn't like getting calls home. I didn't care about that but she—it wasn't for nothing. She was causing trouble for Sensei."  

Umemiya keeps to himself, humming in response to your troubles. Your voice breaks on your next sentence, chest tightening.  

"It doesn't matter what she does to me but—" Your hands ball up at your first. Your throat feels thick, eyes suddenly watering as your chest throbs . "Anyway, I couldn’t let it go like normal."  

He hums. "So you hit her?" 

You shake your head, sniffling. "Not at first. Just told her to shut up. Said that she didn't know what she was talking about. She hit me first..." You screw your eyes shut, sighing. "...said she was gonna spread rumors about him just trying to get under my skin and be malicious,” You lean back slightly and look up towards the gray sky. “I punched her after that."  

You realize he's looking at your bloodied knuckles, but he isn't making an expression that you can read easily. You don’t remember the last time you spoke to someone like this who wasn’t Tsukimori-sensei.  

"Are you crying because you got in trouble?"  

“Who cares about that?” You sigh “Sensei had to put his job on the line and take responsibility for me,” Your brow furrows in frustration. “He’s the one person I don’t want to cause trouble for,” You grip the iron chains of the swing set with a closed fist and finally admit what you’ve been avoiding to say out loud. “I don’t want him to hate me…”  

The kid besides you smiles  absently at your words. Half-way between listening and recalling something else, it seems like. You can’t help but wonder what the hell his deal is. You barely know him but you’re spilling your guts. 

He speaks after a long while. "I don't think he sees it that way. I think you should try to talk to him about it."  

You make a face, rejecting the idea. "What? No way." 

Umemiya shrugs, smiling - though it doesn't quite meet his eyes.  

"He sounds like he cares about you. If he knew your reasons, there's no way he would hold it against you. And it’s important to share your burdens with people who care for you." You look over and see him smiling somberly at the mulch beneath his shoes before returning back to what you’ve grown to know as his usual self. "Anyways, I think we should be friends. Tell me your name."  

You sniffle again. What a weird guy. Well you say that but 

You still give him your name. 

"What a pretty name," 

When you tell him to shut up again, your new friend Umemiya just laughs.  

And you find you feel just a little bit lighter.)  

That night, Umemiya walked with you to take the last train and told you to come see him again  with good news. 

You aren't sure what compelled you to follow his advice. Maybe because he was the first person who sat down and listened to you about it other than Sensei himself. 

Tsukimori-sensei was your school counselor and the only adult in your entire life that seemed to worry about. You didn't have any friends in middle school and you were a scary looking delinquent girl without a mother and a mostly absent father.  

But Sensei was always incredible gentle to you and incredibly kind. And despite what rumors that girl tried to spread  - he was never anything more than an important mentor.  

It was fucking embarrassing crying in front of him but because you were honest - you got to keep in touch with him. He attended your middle school and high school graduation - supporting you as you started to sort your life out. Became the closest thing you ever really got to a parental figure.  

Over time, you got close with Umemiya and developed strong loyalty to him. You attended an all-girls middle and high school the next town over - totaling one other friend in all six years of your remaining education. Lack of socialization meant that Umemiya somewhat became the very center of your existence. 

It was easy to visit him thanks to parental neglect. You sort of melted into his life. Tsubaki once called you his guard dog as a half-joke, but there's some truth to the sentiment. Quick to defend, quick to heel, and always happy to see him.  

You, like many people, owe Umemiya a lot. His meddling over the course of ten years gave you reason to push forward. He even encouraged you to try and attend school and not give up on living a half-decent life. 

You've got a never-ending list of short-comings but being with him didn't make you hate yourself. It made you want to be better because you knew Umemiya would accept you for whoever you decided to be.  

So despite your delinquency, you managed to graduate high school. Post-graduation, you attended a vocational culinary school and became a patisserie before moving to Furin for permanent residency. You opened a bakery and supply bread to Kotoha-chans diner.  

You made something of your life mostly 'cause of Umemiya. He's not your only friend anymore but he's still your best. Even though you never really pictured things like dating or romance - in some way it only makes sense that it'd be that meddling, kind-hearted idiot that you end up falling for it.  

Lovesickness aside, you respect Umemiya more than anyone in your personal life.  

He’s stuck around with someone like you this long after all. That means a lot to you.  

Somehow the two of you mesh well despite being totally opposite.  

You decided as soon as you realized it sometime in high school that you'd keep your feelings a secret for the rest of your life. You had a strong resolve in your beliefs about the whole thing which made it easy. You hid 'em so well even Sakura's stupid accurate romance detector didn't uncover them.  

When you picture Umemiya's future - it was easy to picture the kind of woman he would end up with. Another kind-hearted idiot like him, a social butterfly. Someone a little softer.  

In any case it definitely was not you. You didn't need it to be. You've received so much from him already, you never entertained the idea. Plus, Umemiya has dated other people over the years, so in your head there was never any hope to cling onto.  

For all reasons listed above, a requited romance is at the very bottom of your expectations.  

That's why you've been in this fucking conundrum.  

To say it was a complete shock to you when Umemiya openly confessed to you many months ago would be understatement of the goddamn century.  

He confessed right on the last day of Spring, totally out of the blue. 

(It’s a little unusual for Umemiya to call you at this hour. If it were anyone else, you’d be a little upset since you’ve gotta be up around four-am to get prepared for the day.  

It’s him though so you’re particularly tolerant, yawning as you find Umemiya on a familiar swing-set, still wearing your PJ’s.  

"Why am I out here in the middle of the night with you?"  

Your words lack any real malice as you sit down. Umemiya remains totally quiet. It's unusual for him to not immediately go on a tangent upon seeing you.  

"Oi. Earth to Hajime." You frown at him. "Did ya get beat up before coming here and scramble your brain? Give me the popsicle before it melts."  

He looks over at you and chuckles as he hands you the bag from the convenience store. You ignore his odd behavior and open up said popsicle before it melts  - carefully splitting it down the middle and giving him the bigger side before going to town on your own. He takes it from you but doesn't even bring it up to his mouth.  

Weird.  

"Did something... happen? Like seriously happen?" You take a long lick of your iced treat. It's melon flavored, your favorite. "Seeing you frown doesn't feel right. Gives me the heebie-jeebies."  

He cracks a little smile at that. It makes you feel better. He shakes his head.  

"Mm, nothing happened. I just have something I want to tell you."  

You nod in understanding. "'kay. Take your time."  

He blinks, surprised.  

"Hm? Aren't you gonna scold me for wasting your time?"  

"Nah. Whatever it is must be serious if it's making you all introspective or whatever. 's fine. Bring me coffee tomorrow and I'll forgive ya."  

His lip twitches up. "I l really like that about you."  

You feel yourself flush and wave a hand at him. "Ahh, shut up."  

He pauses for a second then shakes his head. "Mm. It's more like I like everything about you, actually."  

You twist your face in confusion. "What are you on about now?"  

"That's what I came here to tell you." Umemiya says after a deep breath. He says it so casually you wonder if you're mishearing him - leaning back to look up at the stars. "I really, really like you. I just felt like I had to tell you that"  

You stare at him in disbelief.  

"Wha—huh?"  

He doesn't even flinch as he repeats it.  

"I like you."  

"No the hell you don't."  

He furrows his brow with a light laugh. "I just told you that I do, silly."  

"But that's—" You don't say the word impossible. You really want too, but you know exactly how he would react if you did. You simply shake your head. "No, you don't." 

"I thought you might respond like this so don't worry but how about you?" He shrugs then looks at you intently. "I thought you might like me too."  

Your eyes go wide. Oh fuck.  

You feel like a deer caught in headlights. You know you should be happy about this, deep down. That'd be the normal response.  

But you just feel complicated as shit instead. Fuck does he mean? Umemiya.... likes you? There's just no way that's true. Not after all of this time. And how the fuck does he know you like him back when you've been keeping it in? 

You can't bring yourself to look him in the face and lie. Your heart rises to your throat as you shakily stand to your feet.  

"Stop...thinking whatever you've been thinking. I'm going home." You reply in complete panic. 

 The minute you say it, you turn on your heel so you don't have to look at his face. You don’t even want to know.  

And before Umemiya can catch you and try to talk it out, you bolt. 

What the fuck was that?)  

For the last few months, you've been avoiding the topic of conversation as much as you humanly can.  

The possibility of Umemiya even just accepting your feelings was already far beyond your imagination, but him returning them? Confessing first? That wasn't even in your realm of possibility.  

Ever since then, you've been losing your mind trying to force your life and train of thought to go back to normal. You’ve done all of the math on it.  

Realistically, you can't ignore him. Your lives are so mixed together it'd be impossible unless you went under protection and changed your name which you briefly considered. You thought of turning him down but you’re pretty sure you wouldn’t be able to actually do it despite how good you are at keeping it in. Either way, your best option logistically is feigning ignorance and trying to keep the whole thing out of your mind entirely which should've been easy.  

Tricking yourself into believing the whole thing was a dream? Lightwork.  

Except. Except.  

Umemiya just won't give up.  

He confesses to you again every single day. Worse, he doesn't care whose around to hear him. No one in your friend group seems even the tiniest bit shocked by it which doesn't help the situation. You can't get used to it, can't get used to him being so fucking cheeky as he stops you midway through normal conversation to tell you he loves you.  

He's persistent to a fault and while you've done well feigning immunity - you can't survive like this.  

You've graduated to tell him to go away and treating the whole thing like some big joke.  

But honestly? 

You're avoiding having a proper conversation about it. Umemiya is especially keen in not letting you forget that. And determined to make you confess.  

But you're not going to to let him sway you.  

You've got principles, after all.  

__  

After you close up shop on Friday, you get dressed to attend a kickback with all of your friends.  

It's a barbecue technically - commemorating the end of summer. Togame is really into grilling and in their weird domestic partnership, Chouji really enjoys hosting. They've done this once or twice a year ever since they started living together.  

Once you've finished cleaning up the store, you take the train to Kotoha's place - mistakenly assuming you'd leave as soon as you got there. However you failed to realize that Tsubaki and Kotoha would be getting ready together.  

You got jumped as soon as you walked through the door - so now you're wearing a different pair of clothes that Tsuabki got for you and waiting for them to finish getting you dressed up so you can leave.  

Tsuabkino is inches from your face while Kotoha braids your hair. You feel itchy and exposed but with both of them here there's no way you're going to get out of wearing it. 

"Can we just go?" You grumble, not enjoying the feeling of being poked and prodded.  

"No," Tsubaki insists, frown making her expression pinch. "You have half an eyelash on. Sit still." 

"He'll be happy to see you dressed up," Kotoha adds, trying to encourage you. You frown and look down.  

"Whatever. I don't care about makin' him happy."  

The both of them pause and stare at you until you fold under the pressure - screwing your eyes shut and making you flush.  

“Such a blatant lie.”  

Tsubaki giggles. “Right?”  

Your face feels hot. "Ahhh, alright already. Shut up."  

"Honest girls are much cuter," Tsubaki coos. You give her a half-assed glare.  

"Don't you like Hajime? Why're you trying to set me up with him still?" You mumble. You always think they’d make a perfect pair.  

"Of course I like him. He's my prince." She smiles at you. “But it’s a little different to how a certain someone loves him. And well, if you knew the way he looked at you…"  

You frown, feeling hot all the way up to your ears as you ball your fists up and look down at your lap. "Whatever." 

"You should stop trying to worm your way out of it," Kotoha adds, much less sweetly. "You know how he is. He couldn't give up on you for ten years like some idiot."  

You blink. "Huh? But ten years would mean -"  

Kotoha braids your hair even tighter making you wince. "I know. You're both stupid like that."  

"Don't be mean, Kotoha-chan. And you, be a little more honest, okay?"  

You sigh deeply. 

"Ain't like anything is gonna happen either way. I already told you both I'm not accepting his confession," 

"Cause you're a huge wuss, yeah we know."  

You elbow Kotoha lightly.  

"Maybe nothing will," Tsubaki hums mischievously.  "But it feels nice to dress up for him, right?"  

You pretend the thought doesn't make your hear flutter.  

Tsubaki does you the kindness of laughing lightly before moving on. 

__  

You arrive to the function an hour later than planned and stick mostly with Kotoha and Tsubaki until half way through the evening.  

Loosening up with a few drinks, the three of you part ways to catch-up with different people. It's not rare you see them, but it's not often everyones schedules allow them to be in the same place.  

Lucky for you, Umemiya does you the courtesy of not confessing during the first half of the night before food comes out.  

(Though you do spit beer in his face after he calls you pretty, which he takes on the chin after cleaning up.)  

After dinner, the function simmers down significantly. People quietly break off into groups and chat to each other into the late night. About that time people split whatever desserts they brought among guests.  

You brought cookies and something specifically for Chouji and Togame as thanks for hosting.  

Towards the end of the night, you find yourself sticking sort of close to Umemiya. Though he's having his own one-on-one conversation with Hiragi while sitting next to you , turned the other way.  

You busy yourself catching up to Suo, Sakura and Nirei - all of whom you consider yourself close to.  

Of them, you're the closest to Nirei which always surprises people. 

The kids a total wimp but he helped you years ago study to graduate so you're a little closer to him than everyone else. He's a great guy though and you hang out alone sometimes too.  

The conversations gone far left at this point in the evening.  

Suo leans back against his chair and looks toward Sakura besides him with a lazy smile.  

"Sakura-chan would make a great wife." 

You snort listening to them bicker. Sakura grows beet red, throwing an empty beer can at Suo's head that he catches gracefully.  

"Go die."  

"What? You're good at domestic work and you have a cute side, Isn't that all you need?"  

"Shut up. I'll kill you."  

As Suo breaks out into laughs, Sugishita comes down from the kitchen just in time to catch the argument. He crinkles his nose up.  

"Oh, Sugishita-kun. 'Sup."  

He nods to your greeting as he leans against the wood railing of the outdoor deck.  

"What the hell are you two talking about?" 

'What? You mean about Sakura being a good wife?" Suo asks. Sugishita crinkles his nose. 

"Don't phrase it so repugnantly but yeah I guess." 

"We were talking about marriage 'cause I was complaining at work."  

"What's happening at work?" 

Nirei sighs as he lays it out again to Sugishita after having given the spiel to the three of you once.  

"One of my superiors at work is a lot older than me and keeps bringing up marriage," Nirei explains woefully. "It's all he talks about. He thinks I'm seeing someone."  

Sugishita frowns. "Eh? What gave him that impression?"  

A good question you hadn't considered asking.  

You raise your brow at Nirei who laughs awkwardly while he holds your gaze.  

"You know that picture of us from highschool? When he came to the cafe at your school festival?"  

You smile spitefully, crinkling your nose in faux distaste. "The one wear we wearing those stupid maid costumes?"  

"Yup. That's the one. It's a good picture of us so I keep it on my desk and he saw it so..."  

"You keep a picture of just the two of you on your desk? No wonder he got that impression.” Suo adds.  

You sense Umemiya suddenly tense which you find weird. He's still talking to Hiragi though when you glance from the corner of your eye. You brush it off.  

Nirei blushes, elbowing him.  

"Shut up. I've got group pictures and stuff too. But he just singled out that one cause you know,"  

You nod in understanding before it dawns on you. Your eyes widen. "Oh, shit? Does that old man think you're dating me?"  

Nirei closes his eyes and sighs. "He won't even let me correct him." 

You pause before breaking out into genuine laughter.  

"Pfft, that's terrible." You reply sympathetically, taking a sip of your beer before giving a mischievous grin. "Maybe you can make it work for you though, eh? Tell 'em we got hitched forreal and then I'll call you on the phone and nag you to get home for dinner so you can leave earlier."  

Nirei acts like he's touched making you laugh even harder. "You'd do that for me?"  

You give him another toothy grin. "I'll even help you fake some wedding photos. We'll be accomplices." You lean back with a shrug. "You gotta wear the dress though." 

Sugishita laughs at that. "You being a blushing bride is a little..."  

You snort, shooting him a dirty look "Shut up."  

"Deal. Not a bad plan honestly." Nirei says with a sigh. "Whatever gets me out of the office early."  

"Even if that means being married to me?" You joke.  

He smiles at you. "Aw, what do you mean? That's the best part."  

You chuckle at him good-natuedly and the conversation quickly moves on.  

The alcohol is starting to make you dizzy so you eventually tune out as the four of them talk, glancing at Umemiya from the corner of your eye.  

You swear you catch a glimpse of his jaw ticking.  

__  

For the rest of the night, Umemiya is off.  

No one else can tell. You know that because the atmosphere remains light until everyone leaves around two-am. There's no blips or tension, no awkward pauses. 

But you know Umemiya. He's been real weird all night and it's bugging the shit out of you.  

It's a well past two now, and you've just left the late night cab you took with him. Umemiya lives close so he's walking you home.  

He's usually energetic after a get-together like that so his dead silence is weirding you out. You're pretty good at figuring his feelings out but for once you feel totally clueless.  

It feels as if even the cicadas and crickets have gone to sleep. There's nothing bu the streetlights overhead and soft glow of the moon, coupled with the soft click of your shoes on the pavement. Occasionally, a car will pass by.  

At one point, it becomes too much. There's still a few minutes until you're home.  

You stop in the middle of the sidewalk and turn around to look at him. Umemiya pauses, startled as he stops with you, and doesn't smile which only makes your concern worsen.  

"Oi. What's up with you?"  

"Hm?"  

You cross your arms over your chest.  

"Don't 'hm' me. You've been in a bad mood few for the last few hours. It's gonna bug me all night if I don't ask, so what's up?"  

He stares at you.  

"You noticed?"  

"How could I not notice?"  

"I was hiding it pretty well, I thought." He states more than asks, half-smile on his face.  

"Yeah. But well," You shrug. "I'm always looking at you for better or for worse. So. What's wrong?"  

He stares at you a long time before sighing, running his fingers through his hair. You've never seen him like this. You've seen him pissed off before, seen him mildly irritated - but never this... pouty? It's not like he's pissed.  

He's quiet, taking a deep breath of cool night air before sliding his hands into his pockets and taking a good look at your face. 

"Do you know that I like you?"  

Your eyes widen as you blink wildly.  

This is what he wants to talk about? 

He pins you down with his stare, hands in his pockets and intense as ever.  

"Don't even think about bolting this time, okay? I'm asking you seriously. Do you?" 

Your eyes flicker down the concrete - feeling extremely uncomfortable and suddenly sweaty. You shrug, unsure of what else you could say or do.  

"Hard not to know." You mumble. "You tell me everyday." 

"But do you get it?"  

Your frown deepens.  

"Of course not. How could I possibly get something like that, stupid?"  

He takes a deep breath. "But you like me, don't you?"  

Panic sets in. If you could sink straight into the Earth you would.  

"...Never said that." 

He calls your name quietly. "Look at me, at least. Stop running away from me and just look." 

You know you're being stubborn but you can't help it. You've kept it a secret for ten years and all of a sudden he wants you to tell him you like him? You've held it in for so long already and he's telling you not to run away.What other choice is there?  

One wrong move move and everything will come crashing down inside of you. You can't even lie about it either.  

Damn it.  

"I won't look." Your voice is warbly and it makes you feel so pathetic you could die, tucking your chin petulantly "Don't wanna,"  

Umemiya frowns at you.  

"If you say you don't like me I'll let it go."  

You remain very quiet and close your eyes tighter. He sighs softly, making your chest hurt.  

After a minute, you muster up the courage to be dishonest - determined to drop it at all costs. You're slow as you pick your head up.  

"I don't like you," You repeat slowly, carefully - trying not to stumble the words. "So quit it, alright?"  

He laughs humorlessly and holds your gaze.  

"That's the first time you've ever actually lied to me. You're terrible at it," 

"I'm not lying." You snap. Umemiya smiles somberly when he sees tears on the corners of your eyes. He steps closer to you. You freeze. When his hand reaches cups your cheek, you feel your legs lose all their strength and close your eyes. You're terrified to even look at him, not wanting him to see what you know is obvious on your face.  

He wipes them as he tilts your face towards him slowly. 

"Tell me, at least. If you're going to refuse me, don't I deserve to know why? Do you hate the idea of dating me that much?"  

You shake your head. "Stupid. How would anyone hate that?"  

"So I deserve to know why you're turning me down."  

A long moment of silence draws you out of your feelings. You guess that's fair enough. Maybe this way he'll leave you alone  - as long you're clear about your reasons. He’s the earnest type after all.  

You manage to suck up all your tears and clear your throat enough to give him an explanation. 

You step back a little from him, putting some distance between you as you stare down at the sidewalk. 

"You know... I respect ya more than anyone else. You've always been someone I admire. And I uh, owe you a lot. So I only want the very best for you and all." You scratch your neck, taking a deep sigh. "For me... regardless of my feelings, I want you to be with someone who really fits, you know? Well put-together and everything. Someone that suits you better"  

He pauses before frowning.   

"Regardless of your feelings? Does that mean you were willingly pushing them aside?" He says distraught. "For how long?"  

You shrug, trying to lighten the conversation. It’s too devastating otherwise. "About ten years, give or take." 

The sheer distress in his face makes you want to keep talking, just he doesn’t look so disheartened. Like some explanation will clear things up.  

"It ain't a bad thing, Hajime. You've given me a lot and I'm serious when I say I want the best for you. I love you, if that's what you wanna hear. I'm content just being besides you as your friend." You say with a shrug. "I can be kinda selfish but there's a limit to my greed,yknow."  

He looks like he's in shock. 

"Wanting someone to love you back isn't greedy or selfish."  

You find you don't have anything to say with that, but hope he drops it for the time being. 

Umemiya stares at you seriously. It makes your breath hitch meeting his eyes, blue with all the depth in the world. You feel like you can't pull yourself from his gaze.  

"And there was never a possibility? Not once that I could've liked you? That I wanted to be with you?"  

"It doesn't matter." You say. "And no, it never crossed my mind.."  

"Stop saying it doesn't matter. Of course it matters. Your feelings matter the most so don't toss them aside so easily. Do you really believe that you're not right for me?"  

You aren’t sure how to answer him.  

"You think you're not good enough for me." He says with some realization more than asks.  

It's the first time you see his face change. When you look up, he looks well and truly angry. The whole thing is confusing.  

"I'm sorry," You say. It’s such a timid thing to say but you don’t know how else to fix.  

"It's not—I just don't like hearing you talk about yourself like that. I don't like hearing someone I love get spoken about like that.” 

You ignore the sentiment again and wait in the quiet. You always thought this would be an easier conversation to have but it hurts.  

He sighs a bit, getting closer to you again. He’s less upset than before but there’s something else in his expression.  

"You wanted to know why I was upset earlier right? It's because of you and Nirei-kun." He admits.  

"What about him?"  

"You talked about marrying him so casually. I overheard and it bothered me all night."  

Your eyes go wide.  

"I—it wasn't serious."  

"I know that. I never thought I was that childish either but you being married to someone else as a joke." He laughs humorlessly. "I really hated it. That’s why I asked if you know how much I like you."  

You feel frozen in place by his admission. 

Umemiya steps towards you faster than you can muster up a counter for why he shouldn’t bother.  

His arms around you feel sudden. His grip on you is so tight, like you could slip through his arms all at once if he loosens it. He smells like cologne and beer and summer but it's not unpleasant. He rests his chin on your head and lets out a deep breath.  

Your chest is throbbing for different reasons now. Shit. Shit, shit, shit.  

"If you won't be greedy, then you should at least let me be." He lets out a long, tense breath "At least let me have what I want." 

You're stuck. Your mouth moves faster than your brain.  

"Why me? And why now?"  

Umemiya pulls away to stare down at you. You can't bring yourself to turn away from him. 

"It was always you. I felt guilty... for wanting to you that way when you were a precious friend. Wanting to treat you delicately when you were strong and proud." He admits. Hearing him say that out loud embarrasses you to no end, “But it was those things that made me love you. Strong yet clumsy. Prideful yet honest. Awkward yet trying to be gentle. Loyal. And always considerate of everyone. Of me, when I was taking care of everyone else."  

Your stomach feels like it's going to erupt. You're losing your resolve faster than you know how to mend it.  

"Stop saying stuff like that."  

Umemiya holds you tighter and shakes his head. "No. How else will I get you to change your mind?"  

"I won't change my mind." You say stubbornly.  

"I love you." He repeats.  

You squirm.  

"Stop it,"  

"I want to be with you. I want to kiss you. I want to hold you. I want to stay by your side forever. I want to do things with you and make you feel good. I want to make you smile. I want to grow old with you." 

Your hearts fluttering. Fuck.  

"Idiot. What are you saying? Let me go."  

"It has to be you for me. I won't have anyone else no matter what you think. The person I love is you. I love you."  

"Hajime." Your voice is shaking. 

His drops down to a whisper.  

“I can’t change how you think of yourself overnight but I can tell you that there’s no point in trying to push me away. Whether or not you accept  me, we’ll never stop being side by side - so please stop fighting it.”  

You put your hands on his chest, trying to push him away. “Stop it,” 

"Please tell me it's okay to love you how I want too," He says, soft and doting while he crushes you in his arms. "And please love me in return."  

You put your hands up to your misty eyes wanting to wipe them away as he melts through the rest of your resolve like it's nothing. It's hard not to be moved. You've been pretending for ten long years that you don't love him at all and he's declaring his love for you like it's the easiest, most sensible and sane thing in the world.  

A kind-hearted, willful, meddling idiot. How you are you supposed to push him away when he's holding you this tight?  

"Shit," You voice, huffing as your voice shakes. "Don’t be stupid, alright? If you’re so insistent, I wont let you back out if you meet someone else."  

He laughs wetly.  

"I already tried meeting other people, but it's still you. Always was."  

He smiles above you. 6'2 with watery eyes with the look of pure relief like it's the best news he's ever heard in his life. It's too much for you. Your heart is racing so fast you wonder if you're gonna die.  

"Can I kiss you?" He asks.  

Your eyes go wide as you look away, not wanting to look too eager. "That's..."  

He makes another puppy-dog kinda face. "Please?"  

You're embarrassed by how easy it makes you give in. "...Do whatever you want."  

He laughs bright and warm as his hands slide up to cup your cheeks and kiss you with all the passion he can muster. It's intense, almost suffocating the way he slots his lips against yours and breathes you in. He doesn't let you up from it, doesn't part from you for a second even when he pulls away - noses brushing and stealing the air from your lungs.  

It's your stupid first kiss and it's perfect - so perfect you wonder if you're going to wake up in a dream. He kisses you hard and makes you stand on your toes to chase his lips when he pulls back. Elated. Ecstatic when you grasp the front of his shirt and keep kissing him when he stops. 

He pauses before littering your whole face with pecks even as you weakly protest, unable to stop frowning but feeling the happiest you've ever been.  

There's so much longing in between you, you feel like you could die. You feel helpless.   

"Can I come home with you?" He asks, once he stops - only holding your hand a short distance away. "I want more time together." 

You feel your skin burn hot as you nod, all while trying not to read too much into it. 

"Yeah."  

__ 

You barely get to lock your door behind you before Umemiya crowds you in the door way.  

His arms circle around your waist, chin resting against your shoulder.. Broad chest against your back, you try not to flounder as his warm voice caresses your ear.  

You're going to die young if he keeps this up.   

"I love you,"  

You flush. "Enough already. And let me go so I can wash up."  

"Do you need to sleep early? Thought you were closed tomorrow. Wanted to talk a little longer."  

You pause.  

"...Sleep?" 

"Hm?"  

You both freeze as the miscommunication dawns at the same time. You try to pull away from him as soon as you realize, skin burning hot. You're quick but Umemiya is quicker.  

"Hajime." You say gravely. "If you don't let me go, I'm gonna kill you."  

"No way," He laughs  as you attempt to wriggle out of his grasp. "Is that why you let me in? Were you expecting something?"  

"Shut up! Don't say anything, I swear I'll —"  

"Don't be like that, baby. I'm not making fun of you. Hey, turn around. Look at me."  

You're upset but you think the reason is more embarrassing then the feeling.  

"Don't wanna,"  

Umemiya laughs as he gently turns you around to face him. In your utter mortification, you can barely bring yourself to meet his gaze.  

"Stop staring."  

He doesn't.  

"Do you normally invite guys in just 'cause they ask?"  

"Wha—no! It's because it's you, stupid!"  

He smiles in satisfaction.  

"You shouldn't say yes so easily even if it is me. What if I took advantage of you?"  

You think he's just being smug for the sake of it, which is pissing you off. You grab him by the front of his shirt.  

"Fuck off. Maybe there's a reason I said yes."  

He pauses before his eyes widen. You push your hand against his mouth before he blurt anything else out but he's quick to pry your hand away.  

"Don't say it." You hiss.  

"I was planning on taking my time. I cherish you and I want to make sure you know that. I'm just a little surprised you’re moving so quick when you were telling me not too long ago."  

You can feel the tips of your ears growing hot, feeling even more self-conscious. "Whatever. If we're just going to sleep I still need to wash up."  

He keeps his arms behind your back so you can’t move.  

"Hey. Didn't say that. It's not like I don't want to do it with you. Just don't want you to regret anything."  

You give him an flat look. "I was prepared to give you my virginity and you're worrying about that. Unless you're planning on backing out, there's no way I would."  

"Your—" His jaw drops a little.  

You drop your voice down just a little close as you grab his collar.  

"If you get it, then hurry up and fuck me. Stupid Hajime."  

He gives you the dopiest smile you've ever seen while your face grows increasingly hot, leaning to in to press a kiss to your lips. He brushes his nose with yours. Laughter from deep in his chest.  

"Yes, ma'am."  

__ 

Once you give Umemiya permission to have you, you get the feeling that there really is no going back from here.  

You both know it. The tension in your bedroom is so thick you can barely breathe around it.  

Umemiya lands gently onto your bed - sitting up as he holds you by your waist and pulls you over to him. You're so aware of his touch it makes your nerves feel they're on fire. You're not a total virgin - at least not enough to be feeling this worked up over someones hands lingering on your waist.  

But they're Umemiya's hands—Hajime's hands, so you can't rationalize your thoughts of out it. His hands are strong and big, a little calloused and rough from the gardening and fighting. You can feel how much he adores you in a gesture so small it makes you concerned for your own heart thinking about how the rest of the night will go.  

He invites you into his lap gently, so pleased by the way you go to him so willingly. You spread yourself over him with your knees on either side of his thighs. He's big - wide and broad.  

Your barely hovering over his bulge as you lean your weight onto him. His hand barely brushes underneath your top, just barely touching the skin.  

You shiver.  

"Are you really sure this is what you want?" He asks. "I don't mind waiting as long as you need,"  

You give him an bored look. "Not very convincing when you're makin' a face like that,"  

He chuckles nervously. "That bad?"  

You nod before adding a little bashfully. "Dunno if I mind, though."  

He buries his fact against your chest all of a sudden making you jump.  

"The hell?"  

"You're so cute when you're honest like that," He mumbles into your chest, cheek pressed against your tits.  

"Jeez, shut up. What're you talking about?"  

Umemiya pulls back and leans forward - enough to breach the inches of space between you. Nose to nose, your eyes meet. A bated breath, you put your hand on his shoulders and work up the nerve to kiss him.  

It's chaste. Mostly for you to break the ice otherwise you're sure you're gonna pussy out.  

He smiles at you when you pull away.  

"See what I mean? So cute," He hums, and leans in again. "Come on. Kiss me again."  

Something about him is different when he tells you to kiss him. It's not smug or cheeky. But it's not casual either. Softness tinges his words, his touch - his whole demeanor screams like he loves you absolutely. It makes your heart rate pick up again, hands shaky as you try not to lose your nerve.  

He's restraining himself though. How he intense he could be vs how soft and calm he is being. You know Umemiya like the back of your hand so you want him to do what he wants. It's hard to find your voice.  

"You don't have to.." You cast your eyes down in embarrassment. "…hold back with me, either. I'm not some maiden."  

He smiles at you a little. "You really do know me better than anyone, huh? I was keeping it together pretty well."  

"Look I know I’m kinda difficult…I'm not real good with stuff like this either," You fidget with the collar of his shirt with your free hand. "But once I say yes I don’t back out. So don't worry about scaring me off or putting too much pressure on me or whatever. ...'s fine to just do what you feel like. I’m scared out of my mind but I wouldn’t do that to you,"  

“Don’t know how long it’ll take but I’ll do my best to make you feel secure. Might take some time but we’ve got our whole lives.” You flush at the implication. He smiles a little. "Whatever I want seems like a lot to give, though."  

"Well...depending on what, I'm might not be good at it,"   

He shakes his head. "I don't want anything like that."  

"What do you want then?"  

"You." He says easily. Your stomach flips. "All of you. I just want to make you feel so good you can't stand it. Want to worship you top to bottom. There's not a single part of you I don't want."  

You flush. "The hell... I meant like a blowjob or some shit."  

He laughs. "I know. And I want that too, another time." He hums, taking a deep breath. "Right now I just want you to feel so good for me. Is that okay?"  

You can't look at him. You can barely stand how bashful you're being, but you can't even play coy. Something in you is bursting at the seams.  

You love him so much you don't recognize yourself, or your voice, or how you're acting. It makes you sick but you can’t do anything but go with it. "Yeah. 's okay, if it's what you want."  

"It is," He says, leaning in. "All I've ever wanted."  

You ignore the latter half of his comment as he finally goes to kiss you again.  

He pulls your body close to him as you do. Until your chest to chest, arms wrapped around the span of his shoulders as you press your lips together soft and slow.  

He slides a hand underneath your top, undoing the clasp of your bra. He lets his palm stay on the center of your back while you keep kissing - straps of your bra falling down your shoulder as he splays his fingers to feel more of your skin and hold you. Hugging you close to him, his other arm wraps around your torso. His forearms feels especially strong they way they hold you by the waist.  

You're so close to him. Kissing him so deep, his tongue sliding against your lips. Something about the kiss is languid but the touch is so hot it makes your skin burn. You feel wrapped up in him, can't even tell whose heartbeat you're hearing. 

More of your weight ends up in his lap as you feel your knees go weak. Something hard presses against your clothed cunt and you gasp a little into his mouth.  

"Oh, shit." You mumble in surprise. Umemiya laughs.  

"You're making me feel good." He hums.  

Your face heats up. "I barely did anything." 

"You just being on my lap is more than enough."  

You make a face at him before rubbing yourself over the zipper of his jeans, slow and deliberate trying to get a feel for it. You hear him moan, nearly jumping out of your skin in surprise.  

The way Umemiya moans is a lot for you to process. Breathy and a little low. It resonates through your whole body like a caress.  

You make a few more tentative passes over his bulge, just to hear him do it again. Driven by your instinct more than anything, you lean into kiss at his jaw - making use of the limited experience you do have to try and draw more sounds from him.  

"What're you thinking about?" He asks, still breathless. Maybe amused.  

"Like the way you sound." You mumble in reply.  

"I thought I told you I wanted to take care of you, hm?"  

You frown. "So what? I can't touch you at all?"  

He thinks on it. "You can touch me everywhere else and you can have your way with me later, if you want it. I don't wanna cum too fast."  

"I'm just..."  

He shakes his head. "You're underestimating me. I'm still a guy, you know? With a woman I love at that. There's no way I would make it through our first time if I didn't focus on you. Don't pout,"  

Hearing him describe you in such an embarrassing way makes you flush. You roll your eyes half-heartedly. "Fine, whatever."  

He smiles.  

"Good girl. C'mere. Lay down."  

You decide not to think about how effected the praise makes you as you comply.  

Umemiya lays you down carefully, making sure you're comfortable before hovering over you. He looks a lot more imposing from this view - the dim lights of your room making his face seem more well-defined. Your nipples harden in arousal, peeking from underneath your shirt as he stares long and hard.  

"You're so beautiful to me."  

He leans down and presses a hot kiss to your jaw, just underneath your ear before slowly kissing down your neck. Open-mouthed kisses along delicate skin, tongue sliding over every patch he scrapes lightly with his teeth. You fidget underneath him, a dull throbbing between your legs. You try to figure out what to do with your hands but you’re too nervous.  

He kisses your throat where it's extra sensitive and you bite back and involuntary noise. 

"Don't hold your voice, please?"  

"It's embarrassing,"  

"It's not," He assures, bumping his forehead to your shoulder lightly. "I want to know what makes you feel good. Let me pay attention to you."  

You frown but nod ultimately.  

Umemiya isn't the first sexual encounter you've had in your life. You've done other things, but you've never really gone all the way with anyone. All of your other partners were mostly strangers - people mutually interested in using someone else to try and get off.  

This is the first time anyone has taken this much time with you. A little kissing and groping, sometimes touching your chest.  

No one's ever touched you like this, though.  

His hands feel like they're all over your body no matter where they actually end up being. Makes your heartbeat rain drumming on a tin roof. Makes your stomach tingle, a heat in your calves and a prickly feeling on your back. Your whole being drowning with pure anticipation.  

"Take this off for me." Umemiya mumbles. You nod, feeling absent as you wiggle yourself out of your tight little tee and toss it somewhere.  

The air shifts again when you're naked. His eyes drink you in, tracing the soft lines and edges of your body. Looking over scars and stretchmarks with pure, blown out wanting that shoots lust straight into your veins.  

You want him to fuck you so bad it's killing you but the very thought makes you feel so shy you could die.  

"You're beautiful," Sounds dirty the way he says, makes it spill from his lips like wine tipping over a glasses edge. "Perfect. Every inch of you is so perfect."  

He proves this to you by kissing you again. Running his hands over your skin. Up against curved sides and down against your arms, brushing the back of your biceps and forearms.  

Infatuation in his touch ruins you. Makes your voice let out. You can't think of anyone whose treated you so preciously in your entire life and you find you don't resent it as much as you should.  

(You find it feels so good to let someone touch you so kindly. A touch like you're being loved.)  

Nonetheless it's embarrassing. Of course it is.  

But it's so hard not to feel pulled in when you feel the way he kisses you. Draws a trail with his lips and tongue from jaw to shoulder blade - kissing down your biceps with his hands on your body, taking  gentle inhales of your scent.  

Anticipation makes your stomach tie in knots but finally he relents. Both hands squeeze the soft weight of your chest, palms brushing your hardened nipples.  

"Fuck."  

He laughs a little, heavy with want. "Yeah? Do you like being touched here?"  

"Mm." Is the best reply you can get out.  

He brushes against the tips with his fingers in a feather-light gesture, testing the waters before rubbing with a little more pressure. Your body jolts from the stimulation, wetness pooling and dampening your underwear. He leans in and takes one of your nipples into his mouth making another dull wave of lust wash through you.  

And he makes sure to pay attention to both. It's just like him to be so attentive to some shit like that. Your spine arches as he sucks on your sensitive nipples, letting his tongue flick across them and giving into a sweet friction. You buck your hips up against instinctively, gripping onto the sheets as your sense of restlessness grows.  

Your voice is whiny to your own ears but you can't calm down to save your life.  

"You're taking too long," You huff. He laughs lightly, looking up at you from underneath his lashes.  

"Don't be impatient." He tsks.  

"It's enough already," 

He shakes his head. "Nope. Still got a long ways to go. Promise you'll have me when you're ready for it, so just try and focus on feeling good."  

You make a frustrated sound. "It's embarrassing being the only one feeling good,"  

He pauses before standing up on his knees. He takes his black t-shirt off in one swift go until his torso is bare, and undoes the top button of his pants. He gives you a little glance. "Better?"  

There are too many layers of that to process in the moment it happens. You mumble. "A little,"  

He beams. "Good. Now let me take good care of you,"  

Sliding down lower, he kisses you from sternum to navel. Hands gripping at the softness of your sides, smoothing over the bare skin as he his thumb finds the waistband of your skirt. He glances up at you, silently seeking your permission. You nod back at him, watching him slide the short skirt away from your waist.  

The sudden air feels cool against your skin. He presses his cheek against your belly, both hands on your hips..  

"You're gorgeous. Even more gorgeous than I thought. I feel so lucky being able to touch you when you're this perfect.” He praises endlessly.  

You cover your face with your arm.  

"Ugh. Quit it. You're sayin' too much."  

"Seeing you get so shy when I praise you a little is so cute." He trails his lips down further and further - just above your sex before stopping. "You're so cute."  

He sits back, standing up and bending your legs slightly at the knee. You hold the position as you feel him massage your calve. Thumb drawing hard circles in the muscle, slowly working his way up to your knee. He kisses you afterwards trailing the same spot his hands were touching seconds ago before moving onto the other side.  

There's nothing you can call it short of worship. The nagging feeling that it's undeserved is washed away each time Umemiya holds your gaze.  

Devotion colors every touch no matter how small. And it’s so obvious, so prominent - it feels outright wrong to deny the fact it’s there.   

You think the closest thing you can compare it too is the way Umemiya gardens. A patience as his fingers root through earth and soil, a kindness towards delicate things that makes even hours of work under the sun look beautiful and easy. His expression is what's most uncanny - what makes you you feel so hot. 

An expression that says he loves doing it from the very bottom of his heart - not even a hint of apathy or complaint.  

A face that says he loves every long, drawn out motion and actions of repetition all fro the very core of him.  

Having it directed at making love to you so blatantly makes you more aroused than you know what to do with. You don't know how to let yourself be treated like the most cherished flower in Umemiya's garden - and you aren't so sure how you're meant to get used to it no matter how much it makes you feel...nice. You don’t have any other experience.  

Which is why you're trying to be patient. Trying to be at least temporarily secure in whatever he sees in you that makes him worship every inch of you, memorizing all your ins and outs.  

Umemiya places hot, wet kisses on your inner thigh before laying himself between your spread legs - breath barely hovering over your sex.  

By the time he gets there, you feel utterly melted into your sheets. Your mind is hazy, impatient and wanting as strong hands secure your thighs. He's so close.  

"I wanna eat you out. Is that okay?"  

"If you don't do something soon I'm gonna kill you."  

He laughs warmly. "I'll take that as a yes."  

You pause. Umemiya waits.  

"I didn't uh," You clear your throat. "Wasn't planning on getting laid so y'know. Haven't shaved in a while."  

"Were you worried that I'd change my mind? I like it for the record. Feels natural." Umemiya says. "It's your body so there's nothing I would dislike about it."  

"You're too much." You reply back in earnest. You cover your face with your arms. "So cheesy."  

"I'm being serious." He says suddenly solemn with how sincere he is. 

The sudden change is amusing. You pause before breaking into genuine giggles, unable to help yourself.  

"You're really somethin', yknow that?"  

He's quiet for a long time. Long enough for it to catch your attention, turning your gaze more clearly towards his face. Swiftly, he pushes himself up to catch your mouth in another kiss. It stuns you a bit, very different to all the rest. More teeth and tongue than lip.  

"I like you," He murmurs, forehead to yours. "How can someone be so cute?"  

"Would you quit embarrassing me and get on with it?" 

He smiles. "As you wish,"  

Umemiya settles back down between your legs after easing your panties off and putting your feet flat on the bed to give himself more access. You can barely look down at him doing it. His fingers brush the slick hairs back gentle as he uses his thumbs to spread your pussy apart and look at you more intimately.  

You can feel him. Feel his every breath and movement. He stares at you awestruck. "How is all of you so pretty? Even here it's such a beautiful color."  

"Stop looking so much,"  

He takes a breath, taking in your scent one more time before pressing a kiss to your clit. You make an attempt to squirm away from his grip as his finger dig into your thighs and hold you down. The strength of it knocks the wind out of you, forcing you into place. Umemiya pushes his tongue and gives you a long, tentative lick through the seam of your cunt.  

Your whole body breaks out into shivers at the sensation. The warm weight of his tongue on your sex makes feels like an electric current through water - your toes curling as he makes the same few passes over and over. He collects your pooling arousal on the tip as he drags upwards and flicks your clit tentatively. You grind against his face instinctually, hips chasing the pleasure. Amused laughter vibrates against your core as you do, mumbling at you to be patient while he's still face deep in it.  

You let out another pitchy whine before he finally stops teasing. He lays his tongue flat against your clit, cupping it lightly before drawing it around experimentally. He watches carefully as he plays around with pressure and angles - trying to see what makes you react the most. You can feel how closely he's watching you. 

You cover your mouth with your hand when he does find it, your voice breaking off as he licks carefully right where you need. He smiles into your cunt as he toys with your with the sensitive bundle of nerves, pleased by the change in your reactions. The obvious pleasure he's making you feel.  

Something blooms into your chest. You've never— 

"You're—" You close your eyes, hands tangling in the sheets as you break out into a fever. "Ngh, never had someone l-lick me,"  

He must've heard you because he seems to laser in his focus the minute you say it. He's lapping at your clit so deep, licking precisely and holding you with nose against your bush.  

You reach down tentatively, pushing back the hair falling in his face and he gives you a look so lovesick you want to run away. The pressure changes gradually, more intensely.  

It feels better somehow. Makes you feel restless. Your whole body curls in tight with want at the sensation of it, the lower expanse of your belly tensed. You're shaking as you drift closer to the edge, arousal upped by the wet sound of him sucking your clit.  

"Hajime," You warn, spine starting to arch as you helplessly try to pull away from the intense sensation. It's not familiar to your body, so much so your mind can barely make sense of what's happening to it, "Cumming—c-cumming!"  

Something in you goes undone as Umemiya keeps pace during your orgasm. All the tension inside of you suddenly comes loose - specks of white matter behind closed lids as you screw your eyes shut. Your back curves up into arch, your hips trembling, your insides pulsing. It comes running into you, crashing into your body as waves of pleasure drown out the noise in your head. He eats you out until you feel borderline hysterical.  

You feel melted and reshaped by him - yanking him off when he continues to be insistent after you're too oversensitive. He laughs when you pull him away, resting against your thigh as you take worn out heaving breaths.  

He kisses the inside of your knee as you calm down, bright smile on his features - painted pink with a slight flush. "You came. I'm so happy."  

You look at him in shock. "You're a scary guy."  

He pushes up to kiss your temple, voice soft. "Did I scare you?"  

Your stomach flutters, tucking your chin. "You were intense, but I didn't... hate it or anything."  

"Yeah?" He grins, pressing a few kisses to your cheek and face before whispering against your ear. "Then, is it okay to go farther?"  

You nod silently. Umemiya smiles.  

He stands up on his knees, pushing his hair back as your eyes are drawn to his pants. You reach out for the waistband of his pants unthinkingly, hooking your finger into it. "Isn't it stuffy?"  

He blinks, frozen before rubbing a hand across his face. "Ah a bit, but it's fine."  

"Take 'em off. Please?"  

Umemiya looks unusually distressed by the request, but follows through without another word. You watch him undress - revealing the tight black fabric of his boxer briefs snug against his waist. Your eyes go wide as you see the outline of his cock - head still half hazy. You voice your unfiltered reaction.  

"Your dick is so big,"  

He laughs breathlessly. "Are you trying to stir me up? What's with you?" He pauses to lay down besides you. You turn to lay on your side and face him a little better. "You're being cute. I'm not used to seeing you so docile."  

"Shaddup," You reply half-heartedly. Your body is still on fire but it knocked the wind of you to cum once already. "Your fault."  

He grins, a hint of smugness as he laughs. "That's true."  

"You gonna fuck me?"  

"Mm, yeah. Gotta open you up first or it'll hurt."  

"I've put stuff in before. Toys. Should be fine."   

"Still wanna play it safe. It's your precious first time after all."  

You make a face before pulling him into you, hugging him tight as your whole body breaks out in a shameful flush. "Then hurry up and do it already."  

His arms slide underneath where your laying, holding you to him as he hikes one of your legs up. He slides his free hand in over your leg - his forearm holding your thigh. You press your face to his neck and shoulder - hiding your expression. "Guess I should huh? You were always impatient,"  

You can barely tell him to shut up, the way your body waits for it. A warbled little noise leaves your mouth as he slides his middle finger through the sticky folds of your cunt - careful as it catches on your hole. Wet and so aroused, the first finger he puts in goes in completely smoothly with no real effort 

Umemiya speaks low and soft as he holds you. "I don't know if I can get used to seeing you like this. I'm glad no one else but me ever wil You’re really all I think about lately," He catches the lobe of your ear between his teeth gently. Your head spins. "People misunderstand you because you're prickly, you know? For a long time, only I knew what it felt like to be liked by you. I liked that,"  

"Why are you—mmgh," 

He slides another finger in carefully after the first one slides inside of you with no resistance. His voice is so hot against your skin, the low bass of it in your skull as he speaks so close to your ear.  

"Don't get me wrong I'm happy seeing you with so many people surrounding you. But I was a little sad too. And it kept getting worse over the years until I couldn’t ignore it. I couldn’t figure out why for a long time and then it clicked,” Umemiya explains. You realize half way delirious this is his real confession. God, you’re gonna kill him. “Suddenly it was all I thought about. I wanted to be special to you. I wanted to monopolize you. It was my first time having thoughts like that,”  

Another finger slides into you easily. Umemiyas fingers are so much bigger than yours. Thicker than they are long. The stretch is enough to make you gasp.  

“Hajime—“ 

He curls them up, careful until he finds the spot he’s looking for. Your body reacts, another sensation of pressure as his middle finger rubs tenderly against your gspot. You weakly try to wiggle away as he holds you firm.  

“I felt a little guilty, too. You’re my very best friend. You’re independent and diligent. Tough. But you know, when I saw you for those few months - all I could think about was how much I wanted to spoil you,” He whispers. Something in your body shifts the way touches you. Pushes in further and further - stretching until it’s easy for him to be inside. “Somehow everything I liked about you became so cute I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t help but want to dote on you over every little thing even though I knew better than anyone you didn’t need something like that.”  

Your eyes well up but not necessarily from emotion. Totally overwhelmed. You don’t feel like you’re gonna cum but there’s something else that’s waiting and each time he thrusts his fingers into you it comes a little closer. Your voice is shaking.  

“It—fuck, quit talking. Somethings gonna—“  

His smile grows a little. It’s the first time it looks so hungry.  

“I was happy in general when I realized you liked me too. Even when you were being stubborn, I liked the way you couldn’t turn me away. I liked how happy you looked talking to me as usual as if that alone was something so precious,” He hums, so focused and precise as he stretches you open on a third finger but never once losing his train of thought. Like saying all of these comes to him so easily it doesn’t matter. “I didn’t want to corner you. But it felt like I couldn’t rest until you were mine completely. Which is why I’m being so unfair to you. Why I’m so persistent. ” 

Your voice breaks on a whine. “It’s gonna come out—“  

“You make a pretty face when your heads filled with nothing but me. I don’t think it’s bad to wanna stay that way,” He hums, almost conversational as he presses a kiss to your skin. “Go on. Let go,”  

Something hot sprays between your legs as Umemiya fucks you open on all three of his fingers.  

A rush of warm liquid squirts onto your sheets as your legs shake wearily. Umemiya marvels at the mess. Your hands curl into fists, nails digging in your palms as he finally pulls them out - leaving you stretched, almost gaping.  

You lay limp in soaked sheets as you pull away from Umemiya with a very weak glare.  

He’s smiling at you, dopey and lovesick.  

“Too much?”  

Angrily, you smack at his bare chest over and over, trying to recover your pride.  

“You’re insane. What’s,” You swallow thickly. “What’s with you.”  

He shrugs. Wordless, he flips you onto your back again before hovering over top of you. Pressing his forehead to yours, he brushes your noses together and plants a tentative peck on your lips as if trying to gauge whether or not you’re upset. He melts when you kiss him back, smiling happily.  

“Were you like this with your other girlfriends? No wonder they broke up with you,”  

He laughs. “Mm, no? I was more of a gentleman.”  

You break out into another exhausted fit of laughter.  

“Pfft, yeah? Guess I’m pretty special,” 

“Yeah. You are.” He kisses you again. “Wanna keep going or are you too tired? I don’t mind if we sleep.”  

“Stupid. I said it already didn’t I? Hurry up and fuck me.”  

“Okay, okay. Let me go get the condom from my wallet,”  

You wrap your legs around his waist and stare up at him plainly as he tries to move, keeping him pinned in place. You’re frowning, brows furrowed with a hard glare. He stares at you.  

“Did you want something else? Water?”  

“Want you to fuck me,” You restate, arms reaching up to circle around his neck. “Just do it already.” 

He pulls back to look at you seriously.  

“Do you know what you’re asking?”  

You flush. “Of course I do. Stupid. Are you trying to get me to say it out loud?”  

“I might think I’m deluding myself otherwise.”  

You sigh, looking at him flatly as you try to tamp down the part of you that’s screaming to be more tactful.  

“Don’t bother with the condom, a-alright? Or pulling out,”  

He looks like he’s experiencing the shock of his life. “But…” 

“Stop being dumb or I’m never gonna have sex with you again.”  

He nods suddenly solemn. “Fine. But,”  

You give him another look that silences him. He sighs again, getting the message before kissing your cheek and pull back to sit up on his knees between your legs. Pulling his briefs down, his cock springs free. It looks a lot bigger than you saw underneath the fabric, weighed down from it’s own weight even though it stands up stiff. He opened you up with three but you wonder if it’ll be enough not to stretch you open.  

You reach your hand out to touch it tentatively, feeling it’s weight and heft. He clears his throat but seems content to let you. The palms of your hands cup the shaft, feeling all the veins pulse. The tip is sticky with precum. You pull your hand away, another sudden wave of self consciousness overwhelming you.  

Umemiya hovers over you again, placing he length of his cock against your pussy. You shift a little feeling it slide against you, hard and hot.  

“Gonna put it in now, okay?”  

Nodding, you put your legs up. You take a deep breath when the head pushes in, letting out an involuntary noise. You feel well-stretched but the thickness of his cock is still enough to make you feel it in your legs. Umemiya is focused above you, barely sliding the tip through your folds as you open up around him. The air feels punched out of your lungs on just the first inch.  

His face is strained is he holds his hips steady, leaning down to tap your foreheads together. “Feeling okay?”  

“Mm,” You nod, wrapping your arms around his neck. “Fine. Feels different.”  

“Different?”  

“Yours is bigger than all the stuff I own,” You explain. “Feels hotter. Harder, too.”  

You feel his cock twitch inside of you suddenly, shocking you. He smiles sheepishly.  

“Gonna push in a little more, okay?”  

You nod, watching as Umemiya so slowly presses his cock into you further. Enough that it doesn’t hurt when you take him, as much as it just feels like something is inside of you. You feel a warm sense of satisfaction at how full you feel. You feel like him like he’s in your stomach, taking up so much space. After a while of pushing, stopping, and going again  - he finally bottoms out.  

“You feel incredible,” He murmurs, half-smile on his face. Your stomach flutters. “It’s hard not to cum right away. Feels so good inside of you. I love you.”  

You feel yourself twitch, frowning at the expression of delight Umemiya has. You put your hand against his fact to keep him away but he kisses your palm and moves it. Bottomed out, he grasps both hands and holds them  - pinning them to the bed as you watch him wide-eyed.  

“Think you’re used to it?” He hums, clasping your fingers together. “Is it okay if I move?”  

You feel so damn bashful. “It’s okay.” 

He kisses your forehead. “I’ll go slow.” 

As promised, Umemiya pulls out carefully before pushing back into you. You’re so wet that it slides in without any real friction. It takes a few thrusts of him going slowly for your body to get adjusted to the sensation. After a few motions, though - it starts to feel different.  

Starts to feel good. Really, really good.  

“Oh,” Your eyes flutter open. “Shit. You c-can go faster.”   

“Yeah?”  

You nod, trying not to seem too eager. 

When Umemiya picks up pace, you feel your  the whole lower half of your body weaken all over again. Something in your legs, your spine go soft against the bed underneath, a sudden unusual arousal swelling. Somewhere in deeper as he cocks thrusts against your gspot, knocking against it with more force than before. The change in pace coupled with the visual of Umemiya over you, face drawn together in focus as he fucks you is too much. Split open on his cock, you can hear how wet you are each time he moves.  

“Feels…” Your words come up empty. “’s so much.” 

“Yeah? Is it too much for you, baby?”  

You shake your head as your thoughts get increasingly cloudy. It’s like there’s nothing else your body can focus on. The way his cock drags against your sensitive, silken walls. The feeling of being full to empty and then full all over again. The way your pussy gets so much wetter each time he moves, sloppy and sucking him in so tight. You can feel your body want for him.  

Umemiya lets go of your hands, sliding one between your bodies. Palm resting on your sex, he lets his brush against your clit. The difference it makes is significant, makes your eyes go wide. He smiles a little, hair falling in his face as he pushes it up with his free hand.  

“That’s it,” He hums, contented to keep at it like this. “Feels good, right? Your holding onto me so tightly it’s hard for me to pull out even though you’re so wet.”  

You make a whiny noise and wonder if other peoples first times feel this good or if you’re just outrageously lucky. You decide on the latter he fucks you faster and matches his thrusts with the movement of his fingers. You’re warm all over - skin scorching as your hands find his biceps and shoulders to cling onto.  

Your voice is so whiny when you call out for him “You’re so deep, ngh.”  

He laughs, deep and raspy. “Yeah? Tell me what you’re feeling,”  

“It feels good when you’re in me.” You reply drunkenly. “Want it faster. Please,”  

He complies with your request almost immediately. You cry out loud, physically incapable of holding the sound in as he gets to fucking you faster and harder. Your pussy is throbbing. Senselessly horny, you pull Umemiya closer to you as he fucks you and smash your lips together. You feel so good, so thoroughly fucked and completely out of it. He’s in you but you want him even closer, want the scent of his skin to mark you.  

A second time your body builds up to that familiar feeling but it’s so much farther inside. An orgasm pulled right from your core. Stomach tied in knots as Umemiya fucks you hard, you wrap your legs around his waist and take him. 

“That’s it. You’re so good. Cum on my cock, sweet girl. Let me feel it” He murmurs against your skin, holding you close. “You’re making me feel so good. So cute. Go ahead, it’s okay. Let me see how good I’m making you feel.”  

Pliant to his request, you hold onto Umemiya for dear life as your body gives into second orgasm. Your nails dig into his biceps as the built up arousal gives way pleasure - and you cum hard with his cock sheathed all the way inside of you. All the wind gets stolen from your lungs as you press forward with another kiss, your whole body trembling violently as you let go.  

Umemiya sweet talks you through without letting go once, only stopping to take a pause when you’ve fully ridden out your high.  

You stare up at him in a daze as he takes a breather to kiss you, still hard as he’s bottomed out inside of you.  

“You gonna cum soon?”  

“Mm,” He nods. “Yeah I’m close. If I move, I will.”  

“’s okay to cum in me,”  

Umemiya laughs warmly. “I’m already about too. You’re not helping,”  

You smile a bit as you hug him close to you and tell him again that it’s fine. Before long, he holds you too, whispering the same three words into your neck as he finally lets it out. It’s a weird feeling, thick white ropes of seed spilling into the deepest parts of you.  

You don’t really hate it, though.  

“I love you,” Umemiya repeats. Tired you don’t try to fight yourself.  

“Love you too,”  

__ 

The next morning, you’re stirred away by the sound of your front door unlocking and the sound of Kotoha’s voice echoing through your apartment.  

You’re still half-way asleep, so it barely dawns on you that anything is off. Not cognizant enough to think twice, your body tries to go back to sleep.  

Or it does until you hear a very loud shout coming from your kitchen that wakes you up with a start.  

“No fucking way,”  

You sit up suddenly, hearing faint conversation before the sound of steps barreling towards your door. You just barely manage to pull the sheets up over your chest before she comes storming through the door of your bedroom.  

You watch her eyes scan your entire room, mentally collecting data before she finally lands on you. As your brain starts to load back in, your eyes go wide with horror at the look of pure scandal on her face.  

Fuck. You were supposed to be having dinner with her and Tsubaki tonight. Usually you confirm with them in the mornings since your up. It’s not uncommon for her to drop in when you don’t reply to check in since you live close by. 

Fuck.  

“You—Oh, I have to text Tsubaki-chan, I can’t believe—“  

Before she gets to finish her sentence, Umemiya appears behind her in your door way. The sight of him only adds fuel to the flame of your embarrassment. You went another round or two before bed last night and it looks like it too. Shirtless in sweats he left over a while ago, his biceps are covered in scratch and with a few hickies, he’s wearing his hair down with a cup of tea and a very apologetic smile.  

You cover your face with your hands unsure of how to deal with the feeling of pure mortification.  

Kotoha snaps a picture of your room that causes even more distress.  

“If you don’t delete that right now, I’m gonna kill us both.”  

“In your dreams.”  

Umemiya laughs warmly. “Please don’t kill each other.”  

He slides past Kotoha coming over to you. Bending down to kiss your forehead, he pulls the blanket up over you so you’re more well-covered. You give him an incredulous but Umemiya is unfazed - smiling as bright as ever. 

“Good morning,”  

“I can’t believe my eyes,” Kotoha says. She points at Umemiya. “You, go put on a shirt.”  

“Fine, fine. Stay for breakfast,” Umemiya says with a smile. “It’ll be nice having it with my two favorite people.”  

You make another face as Umemiya gives you a long, affectionate look before disappearing. She sighs as she looks at you, pinching the bridge of her nose.  

“I would ask if you’re gonna meet us for dinner but you don’t have a choice anymore so show up at seven. I’m gonna leave before that tactless idiot comes back. We’ll talk later.”  

You nod in understanding. She turns to leave but then turns back with a genuine smile.  

“And, well - congrats. He’s a tactless idiot but he does love you or whatever. Cherish each other,”  

You flush, nodding your head. “Yeah…thanks.”  

With that Kotoha leaves quickly. Umemiya returns still shirtless, pouting a little when he notices she’s gone.  

“She left already?”  

“Of course she did. I can’t believe you would invite her for breakfast.”   

Umemiya shrugs. “No point being coy about it. I thought it’d be nice. I was looking for a shirt but I guess I don’t need one now,” He sits besides you on the bed, turning to face with a goofy smile. “Anyways, good morning.”  

“You already said that.”  

“You didn’t say it back,”  

You frown. “G’morning,”  

He smiles suddenly  before grabbing you from underneath the blankets and sheets - pulling your naked body ontop of him as he grins. Sunlight pours through the window as he holds you to his chest, kissing the crown of your head before pressing his cheek into your hair.  

“Mm, yeah. It’s a really good morning after all.”  

“You’re stupid.”  

“And you love me,”  

You fail trying not to smile.  Damn him. You're so happy it hurts. You roll your eyes.

“I guess so.”  

[creator4favestuff]

Home

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

𝑃𝑟𝑜𝑛𝑜𝑢𝑛𝑠 + 𝐺𝑒𝑛𝑟𝑒 : Gender Neutral + Fluff & Angst ❃.✮:▹Summary: Optimus has come to care for Earth, but more importantly, he's come to love you. ˏˋ°•*⁀➷𝐸𝑥𝑡𝑟𝑎 𝑁𝑜𝑡𝑒: Uhh... I don't know man- I was feeling pretty sappy and this came out. DONT JUDGE ME- I wrote this one all in one sitting, and I suck at dialogue. Not beta, we die like autobots.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

The Autobots arrival and stay on Earth reminded Optimus greatly of one fact.

He wasn't home.

Yes, the government was kind enough to offer him and his companions a base of operations, equipment to continue their objective-

But the barren walls, with nothing familiar to surround him, and the eerie silence, hit further home that this was foreign territory.

That wasn't to say he hated being on Earth.

It was a beautiful place.

Greenery that Cybertron didn't have, with plants that exceeded his expectations with their beauty and use, animals that would spark his curiosity given their vastly different biology: all of it brimming with life, even with as small and unassuming as they were.

Even the humans held such strong convictions, with determination and morals no different than his own people.

So unique, and different, all in their own ways.

Each soul containing a life that shouldn't be touched by their fight.

And yet, somehow, through a weave of fate, you stumbled upon him.

He believed he was alone, secluded in a forest the Prime usually went to at night. Left to sit in his thoughts, to think about what he could have done better, to plan his next step and make sure less damage was caused in the next battle.

Even if he saw the way Ratchet snuck glances at him, or the others being straightforward with their concerns, he couldn't.

Optimus couldn't burden the others with his troubles. Not after he failed them on Cybertron...

He was the beacon of hope, an unbreakable, and unshakable spirit that needed to stand tall for his comrades. It kept their hope alive, so he would carry that role, no matter how much it hurt. To be strong amidst all dangers and do whatever it took was a Prime's job, their duty.

Maybe the stream could carry his tears with it, hide the pain that he let slip out. Wash them away so that no one could see them with only the soft rustle of the trees to comfort him.

Until the snap of a branch and a yelp breaks him from his thoughts. Tired optics land on you, a human dressed to combat the cold temperature. Silence filled the atmosphere, and Optimus is unsure of what to say, but even if he did, you seemed to have your own question.

"....Are you okay?"

The gentle sympathy in your eyes shined amidst the moonlight, hands held together and wringing themselves. "Sorry, that must have been weird, huh? Uh... I mean, I meant it, but, I can understand how it's weird given we're strangers, so..."

Your feet move forward, now standing beside him, now looking at your hands, "...I can lend an ear."

Maybe, in that moment, he wished to speak to someone, anyone, about his troubles. Perhaps it was his spark yearning to have someone understand, to hear him. His words slipped out, even as part of his processor told him to keep it buried inside.

A human shouldn't get involved in such things. Not when it was his burden, but here he is, involving you.

At the end, Optimus feels a bit lighter, but the guilt for keeping you here and spilling his own worries upon you has him apologizing. But you simply shrug it off with a simple smile.

"Seems like you needed to get that off your chest. I'm glad I was able to help."

His own servos rest on his knees, optics now looking at the water, "...Are you not afraid me? I am...not what humans are used to."

"Afraid? Umm..."

With a tilt of your head, a short pause fills the air.

"No. I mean. you haven't really done anything to...scare me? I'm sure if you wanted to, you could have squished me. I guess, more than anything you seem...lonely."

"...Lonely?"

You hum, "Given everything you said, not complaining by the way, I can understand keeping stuff inside. It's hard opening up to people, especially in hard times. Sometimes just...being by yourself will have to do."

"Is that the reason for your walk?"

A chuckle slipped past your lips, "Kinda?"

Apparently, you lived not too far away in a house previously owned by a relative. Walks were a part of your nightly routine, and given work held you longer today, said walk was pushed back to now.

But now, he had to cut this fairly nice conversation, to return back to base, "I apologize, but I must take my leave."

Your eyes wide, "What? Why?"

Optimus stands from the rock, making sure to keep a bit of distance from you. "Agent Fowler has requested we tell him of any interactions with the locals-"

"You don't need to do that! I promise I won't tell a SINGLE soul! Think of it as a fun secret! It's not every day someone gets to meet a...um..."

He stills, dermas opening before speaking, "...Optimus."

Your smile widens, finger pointed at him, "Right! It's not every day you get to meet an Optimus! And I can teach you all I know about Earth! If you tell this Fowler guy, we might not be able to meet again."

His optics turn to the stream, pondering your words, "I...suppose you make a fair point."

"Anything you wanna know, I'll do my best to answer!"

You raise a hand, before giving your name.

It's pretty, and he makes a mental note in his processor as he lowers himself and a digit for you to shake, testing your name upon his dermas.

"To our newfound friendship!"

Meeting you, in hindsight, was a miracle: One he never thought he deserved, but deeply yearned for. Like a undying light that kept him from fading too deep into his fears.

Every night, without fail, he would meet you by the stream and speak about each other's day, whether good or bad.

Sometimes, during these conversations, he even felt like...Orion again. To the days of youth where the most he had to worry about were organizing and reading archives.

That young, optimistic side of his would shine through, eager to learn about whatever it is you'd show him. No matter how "dull" or "boring" you explained your "silly hobby" was, he wished to know about it. If he knew more, you two could become closer, maybe even invest time into it himself.

A silly thought, but one he couldn't help but think of every so often.

Of course, someone was bound to figure out, but he hadn't expected it to be so soon, and by Ratchet of all people.

Though all the medic had to say was that he had a feeling something was going on, and proceeded to scold the Prime a little. You tried to defend him, but given the look Optimus gave you, the words died down.

And since Ratchet knew, the others were caught up the next day, and the meetups were also at the base. Fowler wasn't too happy, but given Optimus defended you, there wasn't much else to say, other than the usual- "You better keep this under wraps Prime."

Safe to say, you two did NOT have the best first impression, but eventually it mellowed out during your stay.

Not to mention. your quick thinking and knowledge helped them in tough situations, which earned you the others respect.

Optimus was grateful for that, as it gave more reasons for you to stay for longer periods of time. Something selfish, sure, but that tiny part of his spark wanted to be by your side for as long as possible.

Coming back to you after a mission took much of the weight of loneliness off his shoulders.

Your care for him lifted his spirits, yet it also overpowered him.

It was gentle, warm and always so safe, yet always so ready to consume him into just...forgetting his responsibilities, a thing that rarely happens.

Sometimes, it would scare him with just how comfortable, or rather, just how dependent he had become.

So Optimus did what he believed was best, and kept his distance.

It hurt, but he knew it was necessary to keep his processor on the Autobot's goal. He hated seeing you so sad and confused, like you had done something wrong, which was FAR from the truth-

He just didn't expect you to stop showing up in general.

The first responses to your whereabouts were work related, but then you stated you didn't want to be where you weren't wanted.

So that didn't last long.

Him showing up at your home, looking like a kicked puppy while apologizing, was NOT on your bingo card. Optimus spoke of his concerns with burdening you with any more of his worries, which technically wasn't a lie...

But he also knew that "fear" of dependence, was something more-

That the other part of his dependent nature, his yearning for that safe comfort-

Was him being in love.

Optimus fell in love with you, and he couldn't even tell when it happened.

Being with you, speaking and strategizing together, it all felt so natural, like it had always been a thing.

The sigh of relief that left you allowed him to relax, unknowingly tense, "I thought I did something to bother you..."

The Autobot lowered his hand for you to climb upon, raising you face to face, "No... It was my own thoughts that kept me away. You did nothing wrong."

Your hands fiddled with each other, looking at them rather then him, which made him a bit sad.

"...You can always talk with me about that stuff y'know. No matter what it is or how how long, even if it's not positive. You mean a lot to me, and I wanna help you however I can. I can't exactly fight like the rest of you, so..."

Oh...

You truly are a miracle brought to him.

"Thank you..."

Safe to say, it brought you two closer, getting you a guarenteed spot on not only his shoulder, but in the quiet of his room, his chasis. A glimpse at his spark, a moment only shared with those of lovers, but he wouldn't tell you that.

A secret of his own to keep.

Even when the kids enter the frame shortly after, nothing changes. Sure, you help them with homework and scold them like any responsible adult would for the crazy stunts they pull, but you still made time for him.

The others think your friendship is a gift to Prime, as he seems more relaxed then before, while Miko's positive you're both secretly dating.

A point that Ratchet silently agrees with when confronting his friend. He's seen the way Optimus looks at you, the softness of his voice, his gaze. The fact that he lets you in his room, something NO ONE else can do, confirmed everything he feared.

Though you may not be dating, that he's certain of, Optimus was deeply in love.

"She's human. A shorter life span than ours, and much more fragile. With different biology than our own."

Optimus stood at the base's computer, optics glued to the screen for any Decepticon activities, "...I know."

He paused, before moving a bit closer, "...Will you tell her?"

Another beat of silence stretches between them, with the younger bot pausing his typing, "For now, no... In the future, that could be a possibility."

The medic could only sigh, "Just...focus on yourself."

"...Duly noted."

Optimus knew Ratchet spoke from a place of concern, that his points were valid, but...

He couldn't see himself loving anyone other than you.

Even when Megatron took him aboard the Nemesis, when Orion Pax was "safe from the evil Autobots", something prodded at his processor.

Asking his old friend garnered nothing positive, proclaiming you had lost your life at the hands of Ratchet. That your last wish was for him was to decrypt the Iacon archives to help stop the war.

It's all Orion has to go off of, as searching on their computer backs it up, so...he does what he can.

But his spark keeps nagging at him, like something is wrong.

Even though he should be working...

It isn't until the chaos outside the room leads him to sneak out and find you, calling him by the name "Optimus", that you both "have to go"-

And Orion has a choice to make.

Leave with you and head back to this base you speak of, or stay and continue decoding.

But his body seems to have made the choice for him as he follows your directions, before being confronted by Soundwave. Somehow, he's able to keep you hidden before being taken back to the room.

That's when you quickly tell him the truth: about the war, him being a Prime, the Autobots being his friend, dismantling all the lies Megatron spoke. It's hard to digest, but he finds himself believing you and planning an escape once his old friend shows his true colors.

A part of him wishes he didn't have to regain his title of Prime back.

Because even if he didn't remember everything upon returning, he was thrust into fixing something he did, and in such a quick manner.

Even as he states he'll be fine, and that he needs to get back to work, you still remain concerned.

"I'm not asking if Prime is okay, I'm asking if YOU are, and I know this may be rude to say, but I care more about how you're doing than the stupid archives right now."

His servos stop moving, and his optics finally turn from the screen, down to your worried yet determined expression.

Once again, just like back then, he voiced his concerns, the guilt, the pain of it all. Lately, it just felt like fate was against him, not even to test him, but to spite him.

Because he wasn't good enough as a leader? As a Prime? He didn't know, but it all felt so...unfair.

"You're doing the best you can in your position. Nobody blames you for what happened, and more than anything, we're just glad that you're okay. We can always get the coordinates decoded, but we can't get another you."

And when Megatron began his attack on the base, you stayed with him, hiding in his chasis and refusing to leave him alone. When Smokescreen finds the two of you, the young bot is shocked, but a bit impressed at your tenacity.

As he goes to retrieve the Forge of Solus Prime, your voice acts as a lifeline.

Optimus turns his hand away from Alpha Trion, clinging to the warmth of your touch, and the softness of your worried voice. Never did his optics leave yours, as if trying to comfort you. To assure you that he would make it.

You remained by his side as much as possible, even after he recovered.

But once again, it feels as if fate was being needlessly cruel. Not being able to speak about anything but work, along with constant missions, and finally your kidnapping.

That was the most angry the others had seen Optimus, even with the Omega Lock situation. Even Megatron understands when his punches are full force, that this is a battle with the Prime he needs to take seriously.

But once everything is said and done, with everyone saying goodbye, you and Optimus are alone in his room, by your request.

Once again, messing with your hands and looking at them as if they held all the answers you needed, before speaking in a soft voice that...he didn't hear a lot.

"I...really like you Optimus. Given everything we've been through, y'know, I...guess somewhere along the way I fell for you before I knew it... If you don't feel the same, it's okay...I just.. I guess I wanted to get it out there?"

The silence is suffocating, and after a moment, your eyes drift up to see him kneeling before you, digit gently brushing some hair from your face.

"Even though it will bring struggles of its own?"

The hope that shines in your eyes, along with the way you place your hand on his, makes his spark swell, "Even if. I want to stay by your side."

He returns the smile, this one by far, the brightest one you had seen, "If you will have me."

To know that you love him back, is the greatest gift in life he could ever receive, especially after the many years of war he endured.

The others aren't too surprised by his response to stay on Earth. They see just how much Optimus loves you, how much you mean to him.

Cybertron is his birthplace, and forever will he love it dearly-

But now, he has a home with you.

In that same forest that had led you to him. Your home being rebuilt with the help of friends after it's destruction during Jasper's takeover. Built to accommodate his size, even with the help of mass displacement, along with his fast growing books.

And with the AllSpark returned to Cybertron, and the bulk of the war being over, he relinquished the Matrix of Leadership, much to the surprise to everyone. They knew he would want to settle down with you soon, but given their home would be in it's infancy, they would need a leader, but Optimus simply smiled.

"While I am no longer the holder of the Matrix, I will offer my assistance however I can. Know you can call upon me whenever you should need it."

While stunned, they offered their undying support.

How could they not?

This was the happiest they had seen him, knowing exactly who he was thinking of, and they wouldn't take this from him.

No longer did he need to be Optimus Prime.

Now, he was simply Orion Pax, beloved to his dear human and happier than ever.

"Spouse" as humans called it.

Such a simple word that filled him with so many positive emotions.

Emotions that he didn't need to hide anymore. His affections for you were free, as well as whatever things he wanted to do. The Autobot could enjoy the simple things in life, go wherever his spark wanted, spend the night without worry, all by your side.

The barrage of photos taken, even in the simplest of moments, were neatly lined in empty scrapbooks.

Even if time eventually took you away, you would never fade from his processor.

Your smile and laugh, the cute quirks and habits you held, even what you considered flaws, that overwhelmingly bright light that led him forward amidst the chaos, they'll be carved into his spark.

For you are now, and forever will be, his home.

No matter where you go, or wherever he goes, he knows he will always find you again.

[tra1nchi]

I just had this thought

So like a yandere who’s in love with another and your one of their victims for getting to close to their darling so when they are about to kill your able to somehow able to convince them not to like a i don’t kill you you get me info to help me get me set up with darling cause your one of their close friends

So blah blah you spend more time with yandere and they slowly start to fall for reader and becomes possessive meanwhile reader is scared shitless cause their wondering what in the world is going on

Anyways really bad explanation but i just had to get it out somehow 😥

I went a bit overboard with this one,,MINORS DNI!! Bttm male reader,,this might be my longest fic on this blog lol,, Toxic ass dude,, stalking,,masturbation,,attempted murder,,N0n-c0n

When you first met him,,he was just that weird kid that always tried to talk to your friend,,never paying attention to any of the rest of his darlings friend group and Claude would only ever talk to him,,

He had noticed you,,definitely,,you were a high priority on his list,,you were handsome (not as much as his darling) but most importantly,,you were in his way,,His darling wouldn't talk to him whenever you were around,,Claude wasn't one for sharing

He would dream each night of his darlings touches,,how his darling would whisper in his ear at how grateful he was for the deaths of his friends,,they were only distractions for what was truly the only important thing,,their love

Waking up the next day alone in his bed was whiplash for Claude,,his bed was cold and so was his house,,he knew the only thing that could fill it with warmth was his one and only darling,,

College,,He only went because his father forced him to,,but despite his hatred for the man,,he couldn't help but feel grateful,,how else would he have met the love of his life? But he couldn't think about that today,,today was doomsday,,

He decided to pick you first,,you were growing into a bigger threat when he saw your hands on his darling,,he had to hold himself back from cutting off your hand right there on the spot,,even during class,,

He waited until it was dark,,he had been tracking you for a few days and knew you liked to feed the local alley cats after sunset so you wouldn't get caught by anyone,,Claude only thought that it was embarrassing for you,,who has that low of confidence?

Claude noticed you with a cruel smile,, a shiny butcher knife in his hand as he crept silently behind you,,though he stopped as he noticed what you were doing,,you were hunched out with a skittish looking kitten at your hands,,he could hear your small and quiet coos when it grew closer,,

He couldn't get distracted! This was for his darling,,his love,,he jumped slightly when you turned suddenly,,you both didn't know how to react as the kitten fled,,his instincts set in as he tackled you to the ground,,his weapon pressed against your neck,,

"Think you can get so loving with my darling? You are nothing compared to what we have!" He was close to yelling,,but kept his voice down,,his blade digging into your neck but he stooped when he felt his hand get damp,,

Glancing up he saw tears pouring down your cheeks,,you were sobbing and trembling underneath him,,you looked like a scared little bunny as you started desperately begging for your life,,He felt conflicted,, are killers meant to feel sympathy for their victims?

You managed to squrim out of his hold when he froze up,,holding your hands out in a protective manner as you started to try to reason with Claude,, anything to keep your life from ending,,

Claude listened to your begging,,his hand tight on the handle of the knife,, "you can get me closer to him? You better not be lying to me." His voice was harsh as he trusted the knife towards your neck again,,

When you rapidly nodded,,he gave in,,allowing you to keep your life at the exchange you bringing him closer to his precious darling,,

He felt himself growing closer to your side,,watching how you would talk about his love,,he would catch his eyes falling down to your lips as you talk but would quickly glance away,,he felt like he was cheating even if he wasn't even dating his lover yet,,

Despite your rough first meeting,,you grew closer with him,,noticing that above his weird obsession with your friend,,he wasn't all that bad,,though you didn't want to grow any closer with him then you were now,,you wouldn't want to risk it,,

Claude over time stopped thinking about him,,his dreams were replaced with you,,waking up with in a cold sweat after a particularly lewd dream,,when did he start thinking off you,,his little bunny in that kind of way?

The more he hung out with you,,the more he realised how bland your friend was compared to you,,you were so much better then he could ever be,,he started to unknowingly treat you the same way he did to your friend,,

Trying to isolate you,,talking over your friends whenever you tried to communicate with them and especially taking up stalking,,he already knew most of your routes from when he wanted to kill you,,but now he stalks you just to make sure youvget home safely at night,,

You were scared shitless of course,,you knew how he acted with your friend and now he started acting that way with you,,luckily he hasn't started staking you,,that would be the worse case scenario,,right?

he would get more daring with his little bunny,,sneaking into his darlings precious room at night to watch you sleep,,he would shuffle through your drawers taking out shirts,,socks and if he felt especially excited,,he would swipe a pair of underwear or two,,

He would lose sleep for what he was doing,,not out of guilt but he couldn't stop himself,,jerking your clothing up and down his cock,,wishing it was you,,craving for your touch and not the clothing that felt so rough,,

One night when he tried to return your cum filled boxers,,he would step on a creaky floorboard he would always avoid,,waking you up almost immediately,,your eyes wide with fear,,just like a prey animal

He tackled out back down onto your bed,,his hand covering your mouth roughly to keep your scream muffled,,"Shh, don't cry. It's only me, go back to sleep yeah?" He puts on his most soothing tone but you don't seem to be sleeping,,

He shoved your dirty underwear into your mouth to keep you quiet,,you could feel his hard-on press against your leg,,He let out a soft moan at being so close to you

"Oh my darling, my sweet precious love..I'll just be a second, okay? I'll be so gentle.." He groans softly in your ear,,his hand moving down to yank your pajamas,,he seemed pleasantly pleased when you didn't squirm,,you knew better,,

He started kissing your tummy,,down to your cock,,his hands moving down to his fly to free his own,, "Good boy! Just stay nice and still like that." He smirks moving down to spread your legs and with only using his pre cum as lube,,he shoves himself roughly inside of you,,

You were his darling from now until the day you die

[cosmerelists]

Ranking Cosmere Families Based Whether I'd Want to Attend Their Thanksgiving Dinner

If they, you know, actually celebrated Thanksgiving or if I existed in their universe and could attend. But anyway.

[Last Thanksgiving special: How They'd Cook a Turkey]

1. Kholin Family Dinner: No Thank You

Let the various eras of the Kholin family spread out before you: is there ANY iteration of that family whose Thanksgiving Dinner you'd want to attend? We have the Blackthorn Era, where Dalinar is getting drunk and trying not to make eyes at his brother's wife and also Sadeas is probably there. We have Way of Kings era where Dalinar thinks he might be going crazy and is always in a lowkey fight with Adolin. We have post-Oathbringer where you sit at that table knowing that Dalinar killed his kids' mother. Is there any moment when a Kholin family dinner wouldn't be awkward for a guest? Even Shallan being there isn't enough to win me over. I'm staying home.

2. Kelsier's Crew: Sure!

I think a holiday dinner with Kelsier's crew would actually be delightful. I think that whatever else they had going on at the time, they'd make an effort to put that aside and have a good time.

3. Kiin's Family Dinner: Hell yeah

Kiin (Sarene's uncle in Elantris) is canonically an amazing cook. Like, I'd LOVE to be at their family dinner. Plus, Sarene seems to have a nice time hanging out with them. Sure their kids squabble a bit, but nothing major.

4. Stormblessed Family Dinner: M-Maybe?

I feel like this is strongly era-dependent. Join them when Kaladin and Tien are kids? Yeah, I think that would be all right. There might be tension between Lirin and Kaladin, but Hesina and Tien are there to defuse it. After the two kids are taken to war? I-I'm leaving that couple alone to grieve, I think. Post-Kaladin-Radiant time? That's REALLY book-dependent. Got weird between Kaladin & Lirin for a while there. I don't want to be there for their yearly argument about whether it's ever okay to kill someone. Maybe I'll just help Hesina in the kitchen.

5. Tress Family Dinner: Definitely!

Yeah! Tress is a great cook, her parents are AWESOME, and if Charlie is there too, all the better. Like, this one is a no-brainer yes please.

6. Bridge 4 Dinner: Yeah!

Especially if it's post-Radiants, so that (a) we're not all enslaved in Sadeas' war camp and (b) there are women too. I bet Rock's Thanksgiving stew would be delicious. Kaladin would be late, but you know what, it's okay. He's very busy.

7. Court of the Gods Thanksgiving Dinner: Maybe If I Were Younger...

Listen, I'm sure it's a raucous good time. There's lots of food, it's really good, everyone looks hot, and everyone is very drunk. Not REALLY my scene, though. I might go if I were invited, but if Tress's family had already offered, I mean...

8. Idrian Royal Family Dinner: I'll Pass

For one thing, I feel like the food would not be very good since my impression of Idris is that everything is...gray. But even beyond that, the family dynamics do not sound fun. I mean, their dad sold his least favorite daughter into what he thought was deadly sex slavery. Their mom doesn't even have a name. It just feels so awkward.

9. Noodle Shop Thanksgiving Dinner: Yeah!

Going out to eat is a great way to not have to cook for Thanksgiving dinner. And Design's Noodle shop--or even later under the new owners--feels like a great place to get some food. Depending on why I'm there, I might even get some free sympathy noodles if I have nowhere else to go! Y-Yay!

10. Lopen Family Dinner: Yes!

I definitely would say yes if invited to eat with Lopen and his many cousins. Remember when Elhokar was there for a minute, and Lopen's mother kept making him eat more? I am going to be SO STUFFED and it is going to be SO worth it.

11. Ladrian Family Dinner: Totally

I'd love to have dinner with Wax and Steris and presumably Wayne and Marasi and possibly MeLaan! I bet the place settings will be fancy and that I'll have to bone up on my etiquette rules--but then, Wayne will be there so surely my using the wrong fork will go largely unnoticed. Anyway, these people seem pretty fun to hang out with, and I bet the food and whiskey are both good.

12. Montane Family Dinner: S-Sorry, Can't Make It...

As much as I love Threnody as a concept, I don't want to hang out in a small circle of silver-ringed "safety" while knowing that murderous ghosts await any mistake outside. I just don't feel like it would be a relaxing time. Plus, you know, Silence's grandmother is literally a ghost in a locked room like right over there. That's a family dynamic I don't care to experience.

[eternal-pie]

Lux Imperator / Mr Ring a Ding Headcanons

————————————

Had so many headcanons I had to split them up lol

Pt.1 Pt.2

————

He never swears

It’s unknown whether he can’t or chooses not to

He’s a gentleman, he doesn’t need to

He cannot say sex tho :(

He can only make innuendos

His language is really gendered in the show but I think that’s cuz he’s a toon from the 50’s

In reality I don’t think Lux really understands sex or gender at all

Sure he can see someone in a dress and knows to call them a lady

But he has no understanding of what a man or woman is

You show him a guy and girl in the same outfit and he cannot tell which is which

He also is only as attached to gender as the character he take the form of

You can try to explain it but I don’t think he’ll ever truly understand

Who framed Roger rabbit is a controversial fav of his

Especially if he has a human partner

He likes the concept a lot but the toon character are off putting to a kids show toon like himself

Jessica and roger is his fav

He thinks their cute together (might see a bit of him and his partner in them)

I think his love of romance also comes from a desire to not be alone

Like he says, there isn’t anyone else in the world like him

Even if it was a ploy to get sympathy, I imaging it had some truth to it

Never compare him to Roger, he’s far more refined

He wants to be taken seriously, not entirely tho he is a toon after all

But he hates when someone infantilized him or doesn’t take the things he says seriously

That’s a when things get scary cuz he’ll start trying to make you take him seriously and fucks with you a bit

If you're his partner it’s all in good fun, if not….

Moving on!

Total pyromaniac

Seems like the guy at the fire pit who’s super into keeping the fire going

Loves fireworks especially

He’d be weird about touching fire

I have this image in my mind of Lux’s partner opening the door to a room just to find Lux with his hand comically stuck in a candle jar

Or casually sat in the fireplace reading a quickly burning news paper

( I desperately want to have him telling a silly joke at this but all I’ve got is “hot off the press”)

I imagine it’s because it’s weird for Ring a Ding to be separate from the rest of Lux

Touching fire is like connecting to a different piece of him

Or it just feels funny

I also have this image of him starting to develop the cartoon heart floats and panickedly grabbing them and shoving them in his mouth or jacket behind your back when he knows you can see him

He can’t sneak up on you cuz of his soundtrack and the tiptoe sound effect he makes

Incredibly good manipulator

Did you see the big wet eyes he was giving the doc?

If he ever learn, it’s hard for you to stay mad at him, he is and will be using that to his advantage

He may also gaslight you a little bit, like if he ends up behaving strangely or he’s hiding something he’ll play it off as just toon behaviour

He would absolutely not tell you who he is or the extent of his abilities

Especially upon first meeting you. You’re fun and new and interesting and he doesn’t wanna scare you off so soon

I can’t see him not outright lying to you though

when you learn of what he actually is, he’d 100% give the excuse of “it’s not like you ever asked, didn’t think it mattered to all that much anyway.”

In his defense, his understanding of morality is shaky at best

——————

[generic-sonic-fan]

I headcannon the reason Metal Sonic doesn't rebel again isn't because of anything Eggman did post-Neo, it's because of what SONIC done.

After all, getting pummeled within an inch of your life BECAUSE you made your leap to freedom- by the very guy who fights for freedom, sets a really good example of what happens when you step out of line. Certainly better than any punishment Eggman could come up with.

For all of Sonic's traditional "redeeming" power, I find it most notable that he's only ever really redeemed one robot. Technically two, but really if you squint Emerl and Gemerl blend together.

Amy is the one who met Gamma where he was at, so he doesn't count either. And Omega hasn't been redeemed at all- his goal just happens to align with the protagonist zeitgeist. The IDW Scrapniks don't count (Mecha Sonic is a bit blurry, so let's count him with a half point), and neither does Belle- she was built by a friendly Ivo at the time, and simply chose to stay nice when he reverted back to Eggman.

Y'know, a headcanon that I feel very strongly but always gets me weird looks whenever I say it is that I think Sonic struggles to have compassion for robots built by Eggman. Emerl is the most obvious exception, but that's because Emerl was different. He wasn't evil at first. And he wasn't built by Eggman at all.

Everyone else? Just look at how Amy had to stop Sonic from hurting Gamma. And as much as I can be a sucker for a good Metonic fic, Sonic really doesn't show that much sympathy to Metal either. Even in IDW, where Sonic chose to let Metal go, it was more under the lens of "if you stop being a jerk (ignoring your entire worldview and all your baggage and if you ever bring it up again then game over) I'll leave you alone!" which is never the most convincing argument. Sympathy for Metal Sonic has always been Amy's wheelhouse, and I think it's more fun for her to stay unique in that.

Sonic is of course always willing to extend a hand. But I think doing so for Eggman robots has always been more difficult for him, and I will die on this hill.

I've always thought that Sonic should hate Metal Sonic. Not in a tragic hero sort of way. I think they should have beef. I think there should be one guy that Sonic allows himself to really be angry at, and that should be Metal. While ofc I still enjoy Sonic being an instigator for Metal Sonic's redemption if done right (see the mention to Metonic above,) it just doesn't feel realistic. You've brought up the perfect bit of evidence to further prove this point, my dear asker!

Honestly, my strongest bits of writing to support this headcanon is my sister headcanon that Sonic and Omega are Not Quite Friends. See I Can't Accept All This and It Won't Scar.

[sleepwalk-station]

GRAHHH OC X CANON GRAHHHH . can we enquire about your oc . the glasses make us think they’re an agent

hi sorry i immediately passed out after responding to the last ask . he is in fact an aahw agent. his name is crane and he's one of the main characters in 0R1G4M1 (appearance first chapter). here is more of him below

ummm. there is a little bit of lore behind it but this just started as a crackships "what ifs" scenario since in my headcanon both crane and deimos have no loyalty to the AAHW and want to dissent ahhh im gonna yap below cut its cringe

they first bumped into eachother while fighting an intruder in the aahw facility. agent deimos, being exhausted, hid in a corner trying to smoke his stress away. crane encounters him in such a miserable state that he cant help but offer some support.

deimos vented about how pointless and shit it is to be in the AAHW and how hes going to die anyway so there was no point in fighting anymore and that crane should just shoot him dead since now he admitted to hating the AAHW right in front of him.

(dissenters are either sent to be brainwashed and basically re-coded to being loyal again or they are just killed since theyll be a big problem if they get out and hurt the AAHW's reputation of being a Good Agency that keeps citizens safe which draws in more people to join.)

crane shook his head and then agreed with him. Yeah. its a fucking hellhole being here in the agency actually. i agree with you. he sat down with deimos, and deimos, being a clone (theyre discriminated against in the AAHW for being weird mindless freaks) never really expected crane to feel sympathy for him. and i guess that shared bitter hatred made them closer as a result.

they would whisper and backtalk to their fellow agents. trading their share of supplies and have eachothers back. eventually deimos had ENOUGH. and wanted to run away from the AAHW forever, not trapped in this ant death spiral. deimos wanted crane to dissent too, but he hesitated. he still values his life and the other agents were suspicious of his behavior (being a slacker and all dodgy) he knows that he'll get caught trying to escape. crane was also injured at the time, so it made it impossible to run away.

deimos had no more time for getting his answer as he walked away from crane. he felt frustrated as he knows that hes alone in this, and will have to survive on his own again.

crane felt guilty, he knew that nothing could stop him from trying to get out, and stayed in the AAHW instead of leaving with him. he didnt know if the escape was ever successful, and had difficult time sleeping each night.

a few months pass by, deimos is now recognized in the AAHW as a traitor. crane is the same ever since they last talked. they met again, and bullets were fired, and were startled they ran into eachother again. deimos started shaking that crane was still alive. crane didnt want to shoot him either, and it was just exchanging awkward, hurtful looks to eachother. crane wanted to know what happened, get closer to him again, but its painful to even see him right now, and ran away. he wanted to be alone and never deal with this again.

most of the ship art i drew depicted are them coming into terms with eachother again, and deimos accepting his choice to stay and why he didnt leave with him, even if it hurts to think about that first hesitation when he left. its kind of bittersweet, in a way.

idk. a good song to explain this feeling would be tragedy. (ignore one of the . um. lyrics. its a really good song)

[cav3d1ver]

i have so many questions about your ghoul OCs!! tell us EVERYTHING!! 🥺💗

Ooooh boy this is gonna be a big one!

So first let be establish who is who, The right ghoul (the one missing more skin) is Cyn-Cyn, full name being Cynthia Deborah Halliday. She was 19 when the bombs dropped! The left ghoul (looks more like a fo4 ghoul) is Taury, full name being Theodore Abraham Halliday. He was 14 when the bombs dropped!

Now onto the backstory, which uh... May contain some triggering stuff? And also some weird grammar since this is just me word vomiting.

Their dad was a air force pilot, HUGE patriot, and a stereotypical 50s husband. Basically he wanted the white picket fence life, but wasn't actually interested in raising his kids or helping besides paying the bills.

Their mom was an exhausted nursing student who was swept off her feet by their dad, and postponed her dreams when she got pregnant right after getting married.

Cynthia was a pretty tom-boyish kid, pretty loud, and had a lot of meltdowns where she would bite and scratch at herself. She was quite stressful to raise, especially alone without any help (besides financial) from the father.

(I do want to add Cyn-Cyn and Taury are both autistic, but only Taury was diagnosed with anything. Cyn-Cyn was moreso passed off as a 'problem child' while Taury was often infantilized. (Also I AM autistic too, which isn't to say my depictions are perfect, but that I based their experiences off my own).

Right after Theodore was born, their mom got some really bad postpartum, and uh... pre-war mental health stuff wasn't the best. Cynthia wasn't in school yet, so she kind of took over raising/caring for her brother.

Around the end of summer, their dad made their mom get a lobotomy as a 'cure' to her depression. It (obviously) didn't go well, and their mom became rather unresponsive and only able to do some tasks.

This only further forced Cynthia into a caretaker role, and obviously this isn't good for a kids development. Instead of having more age-appropriate reactions to sadness/anger, she would bottle up her feelings and have meltdowns often ending with her hurting herself. While Theodore grew up, he never really learned to talk. He hit all his other milestones early. In reality, he just struggled to communicate his needs being so young, ending with him having pretty common silent meltdowns that left him non-speaking.

Eventually he did learn sign language, and so did Cynthia! (Actually quite useful for her, since she is hard of hearing, yet also undiagnosed because teachers often assumed she was purposely ignoring them)

Both Cynthia and Theodore were held back twice at different points in their schooling, Cynthia often hyperfixating if Theodore was alright, and Theodore just... struggling with how he was being taught.

At some point Theo was diagnosed, and that kind of made the teachers stop trying to get him to learn. Saw him as a lost cause deserving of sympathy.

Around 8 or so Theo started talking a LITTLE bit. Mostly relies on signing when face-to-face even now.

Theodore's special interests cycled between fossils and Grognak, this remains consistent even centuries after the war.

Once Cynthia got in middle school, and detentions started being her new punishment, she finally started getting some more friends that she met during detention. They were all very much the classic rebellious/anarchist/etc kids, and it was easy for Cynthia to start believing in these ideals, too. Particularly she was interested in disability rights and campaigning for helping innocents effected by war.

By highschool, Cynthia was taking Taury to a bunch of protests and rallies. He did believe and sympathize with the cause, being their for moral support, but tended to just sit to the side with some headphones and a Grognak comic.

The protests were actually quite a good way for Cynthia to get out her anger/pent up emotions. Who knew shouting and (sometimes) breaking stuff helped with that?

When the bombs dropped, Cynthia and Theodore were both in the living room. Dad was in his man-shed and their mom gardening (which was all she really did, anymore).

She panicked, and basically shoved Theodore into a kitchen cabinet and got in next to him, trying to use her body as a meat-shield. I mean, if you look at her and then look at him, you can tell who soaked up most of the damage. I guess she was successful.

The actual FUSING happened after the bombs, she was conscious, Theo not so much, but still enough to cling to her side. They were both covered in open wounds. She pulled them both out of the hiding spot, and crawled over to where the medkit in the kitchen was. Their was one stimpack, which was luckily unbroken. When she stabbed it into Theo's leg, it basically caused their touching wounds to heal together. She honestly didn't even notice that had happened until far later, too pumped up on adrenaline to really think straight. (I have a little short story about her POV of this time, I might post someday).

She pulled them along the ground to their neighbors small bunker. The neighbors were dead, didn't make it inside in time.

They both spent 30 years half-conscious eating away at the food supply. Neither really had a sense of time. If they were down there as long as it felt, why hadn't Cynthia's wounds healed yet?

When they ran out of food, they both didn't know what to do. While the bunker had a water filter, there was no room to actually grow food.

After a few days of starving, Cynthia actually took the lid of a can and used it to peel some of her own skin and meat off of her thigh and put it into a can. She had Theodore eat it, telling him she had found one more can of food. She ate a little, too.

That gave them enough energy to go outside for the first time in decades. They found that outside the bunker, which had become a swampy rad-pond, was a good place for giant roaches to lay eggs and live. They smacked one over the head and brought it back home, cooking it over their hotplate. It was disgusting. It was the freshest thing they ate since either of them could remember.

They only ever ventured out a few times, finding clothes (like that novelty shirt that conveniently fits them!), Grognak comics, music holotapes, etc.

Eventually their hotplate broke, which means they have been eating only raw radroach and (sometimes) brain fungus for over 100 years.

At one point while scavenging they saw a Centaur. It looked like them. It didn't attack them, they looked too much like a Centaur themselves. They took the mirror down in their bunker that day.

This hermit lifestyle continued on for the next 170 or so years, isolation causing them to become even more codependent.

Cynthia knew this wasn't healthy, so when they found a karaoke machine with a microphone, they took it and hooked it up to their radio. That's how they started their broadcasts, as Cyn-Cyn and Taury.

It consisted of news segments (mostly trashing on the NCR, Legion, and any other political power Cynthia decided she didn't like), sometimes Taury would have his own quiz segment which... was basically a way to talk about his special interests, there was music consisting of trashy punk and Elvis, and sometimes another quiz segment for wastelanders to ask about pre-war life.

Cynthia tends to be the main speaker, but often tries to prompt Taury into speaking too, she knows he needs to communicate with more people than she.

She is still listening out for news of a doctor that could separate them. She knows he deserves to live his life independently and as normally as being a ghoul will let him. Maybe the way she feels her mind starting to slip away is part of it, too.

[allwormdiet]

Arc 1: Gestation, Concluding Thoughts

Two days in the life of Taylor Hebert, with a bonus one night in the life of Danny Hebert. Let's break it down.

Right now, initial feelings are really positive. I like this arc, I get why people are in on this in such a hardcore fashion, like it's making sense to me as I'm reading it. The characterization is really strong, the A to B plot is cool, and the first fight scene was a fucking banger to open up with.

And like, shit, I get why Taylor is throwing herself into cape life, right? Civilian life is already such fucking misery for her, utterly alone and the only person who's theoretically in her corner is sympathetic but just as helpless as she is. Yeah sure, mortal peril, but if she had nothing to do I feel like the bullying would've killed her eventually. Death versus Lung is at least marginally more noble than death by Emma. And isn't that fucking bleak.

Looking ahead a little bit towards Arc 2 and I'm immensely curious how long it'll take Taylor to do cape stuff again. I feel like I'd need a solid month to process the whole "near death experience" thing and then spend time sweating over whether I even put the mask on ever again. Meanwhile I wouldn't be surprised if Taylor went back out in like a week, because she's a hardcore maniac.

It's also very interesting looking at this and considering the exact sequence of events that went through these chapters. If the bullies didn't wreck Taylor's notebook, or if Taylor took a different message away from its destruction, there might be one or more dead Undersiders right now, and to a lesser extent Armsmaster wouldn't both get credit for a major capture and also owe this rookie hero a favor. Both of those things are going to matter a lot, and it's, I dunno, some people would call that contrived but real life is so full of weird coincidence and happenstance I can buy this no problem.

...Honestly now I get why so many AUs that diverge before this point still include the Lung fight and the Undersiders and Armsmaster meetings, like yeah at that point it's contrivance but I'm not going to sweat an author too hard because they don't want to figure out how fucking dramatic the butterfly effect (hah, butterfly) would be on the rest of the story. Like yeah it's contrived, but that's a lot of work they'd have to do otherwise.

That aside, I'm gonna get back on topic and meditate on my current gripes. 1.3 was a legitimate low point in this arc with the description of the Docks and its residents and their circumstances, and the total clusterfuck of the Azn Bad Boys, which. By the by this is the last time I'm going to say the full name of that gang, ABB is shorter and is less embarrassing for everybody involved. Wall-to-wall racism, classism, and an utter lack of sympathy for the lesser-thans. Like we're talking about crack whores in the year of our lord 2011, or, they were written about in 2011 and I'm hollering about it on the internet in 2024. When this kind of thing comes back up (when, not if, I'm not that optimistic) I just hope I can work around it, like eating everything but the bruise on an apple.

To close this out, I'm thinking about the people in Taylor's life. Emma, a former friend turned bully, and her cronies Madison and Sophia. Pretty shallow characterization at this point, just that they're cruel to the point of hospitalizing their victim. Danny Hebert is supportive, but has all the strength of a sponge when it comes to holding up against the pressures that weigh on Taylor, and he knows it but he's not doing anything differently. The Undersiders, criminals who mistake Taylor for a criminal, but identify her correctly as a comrade and potential friend, who realize she was fighting for them and went to fight for her. Armsmaster, who offers her very genuine and very sought-after praise as an authority figure, and then leans on that authority to get what he wants out of a freshly traumatized and exhausted teenager.

Is it any wonder that Taylor takes the path that she does? Would anyone have it in them to be surprised if they could see all of this from a bird's eye view?

I wonder if Armsmaster ever thinks back about this night, lying awake in bed. If he ever wonders what he could or should have done differently, or if he couldn't have done anything to divert course.

I was talking to my girlfriend about something related to this the other night, actually. If it's worse in a tragedy for there to have been a chance to avert it all, or if it's worse for the end to be inevitable. Looking at Taylor, looking at Brockton Bay, looking at Earth Bet? I dunno. If someone had acted early, with knowledge and intention sufficient to actually provide aid, maybe it would've been enough, but hell. Maybe not. I don’t know which possibility is more damning.

...I get melancholy when it's late, but I don't think it'd be right to delete all that; it's how I'm feeling about the novel, and that's what this blog is for, so even if it's a bit dramatic it'd be self-defeating to pretend I didn't say it.

Arc 2... probably starts tomorrow, assuming nothing comes up. Glad to say I'm looking forward to it.

[zinzinina]

Hiiiiiii. I apologize for blowing you up today, but I just finished my re-read of AMBA and seriously: it’s SO amazing. I never get tired of it. There are SO many little details to soak up. You were so invested in Boba Fett and put so much care and thought into his characterization.

So, as I was reading this go-around, I was wondering what was the exact moment that Boba realized he was in love with her? And when did he accept that it was ok to feel that way?

Obviously, it was a slow build in his comfort with their relationship over the story, but was after the first time after he was injured and she was fixing him up? Or did he not realize it until he spoke to her in Mando’a in the Princes bedchamber? Or when she got injured chasing the false Jedi? There’s so many times where he clearly has internal struggle and lets that softness or possessiveness slip out.

There were so many moments of growth in their relationship, so curious what your thoughts are about key moments!

Also, what is your favorite scene you wrote in this fic?

K thx for letting me fangirl about your writing and no rush on a reply. 🫶😜

Oh my god I cannot tell you what a lovely surprise it was to see this!! It made me genuinely happier than I can articulate to read your thoughts and aghhhh just truly holy shit this is the best gift any writer can receive so thank you thank you 😭

To answer your question, and this is maybe a strange response (? haha), the first moment Boba felt something he couldn’t easily classify toward her was the first time he saw her drinking alone in the hunter dive bar. He’s attracted, obviously, but it’s not just that (& I think for him attraction is a bit of a nothing-event; physicality and appearance is weird anyway because how do you work out any kind of beauty standards when you’re literally identical to millions of other people? I think the whole thing just ends up not counting for much) —it’s not sympathy either; it’s almost more of an emotional recognition? like an “Oh shit this person looks like how I feel, or how I used to feel, back when I felt anything.” That feeling simmers and soooo slowly warms until it’s burning him from the inside so by the time she starts putting herself at risk for his sake, and even worse, getting hurt for his sake, he’s honestly just pissing himself off more than anything else. & even then I don’t think he ever fully qualifies it or names it until the morning he wakes up and sees her standing on the balcony under the morning sun. I really wanted that to feel like his “oh, I would give it all up for her” moment while I was writing it. And to be honest, I don’t think he ever accepted it; I think he always knew he was running on borrowed time with her and was just waiting for the end whilst nursing some kind of vague, hopeless idea of maybe.

My fave moments to write were probably all the interactions with Cere 🥲 I’m very into slipping in EU side characters if it wasn’t already obvious (Krrsantan, Myo, hahaha). I’d cut out a scene where I was going to have an Aphra cameo at one stage as well and loved that too, so I might clean it up and post it as an outtake one day.

Thank you again so much for being so sweet and for giving me the chance to gush about this story again after such a long time! I hope you’re having an amazing week x

[amomentsescape]

can you do Oswald, Edward, Olga, and Martin trying to cheer you up after a frustrating day please? Love the Van Dahl crew!!!!!

Being Cheered Up After a Frustrating Day

Includes: Oswald Cobblepot, Edward Nygma, Olga, Martin

A/N: The relationship between Reader and Oswald/Ed is open for interpretation since it wasn't specified! Olga (and obviously Martin) are written to be platonic.

Oswald Cobblepot

He can sense the negativity almost immediately

Before you can even take your coat off, Oswald is right by your side asking what's wrong

When you tell him about your day, you can see that there's a bit of sympathy on his face

Oswald has had his share of bad days before, so he understands

He offers to get you a glass of wine or any drink that will help relax you

He'll happily call over a guard to rub your shoulders if your heart desires

Whatever you want, it's yours!

He'll offer to take you out to dinner as well since he knows a good meal can help make anyone feel better

And while you're finally in bed resting, Oswald will be making some calls

If you so much as mentioned a name during your rant about the day, they'll be gone by the next morning

Edward Nygma (Post-Riddler)

He doesn't even need to look up to know something is off

"Talk to me," is all he says, still focused on his work

As you explain the terrible day you've had, he hums in understanding

He'll have you take a seat next to him and will give you free reign on whatever you want to do

He'll happily tell you some funny puns that he has saved for moments such as these

If he can still tell that you're tense, he'll get up from his desk and make some tea for the both of you

He enjoys taking a break too and just relaxing on the couch with you, maybe just throwing on a movie in the background

He's not the best with talking about these emotions, but he'll gladly lend some advice if you ask

GIF by fuckyeahgothamfox

Olga

(Sorry for the weird GIF format. It was nearly impossible to find one on here for her)

What Olga knows best is acts of service

The moment you tell her about your frustrating day, she's there helping you out of your shoes and coat

She's happy to lend an ear while you rant, and she prepares a warm drink for you

Once she feels that you've gotten a lot of that negativity out of your head, she'll run you a bath and throw some towels into the dryer to warm them up for you so you'll have them when you're done

She'll put on some relaxing classical music for you and leave you alone to unwind for a while

And once you've freshened up, you'll find her plating your dinner for you, offering a warm smile while she ushers you to eat up

Chores are what she's known to do, but they don't really feel like chores when she knows they'll make you feel better

Martin

He gives you a concerned look when you first get back

His worry makes your heart melt a little as you offer a soft smile

"Don't worry," you reassure him

He asks you "what's wrong" on his notepad

You think about it for a bit before deciding to open up and tell him about the bad day you've had

Once you're done, you two sit in a silence for a while

You suddenly feel him pulling on your sleeve as you look over, seeing a goofy picture of Oswald on his notepad

You can't help but chuckle a bit at his drawing

Martin responds with a smile and continues to add on random things to the drawing, all of which were making you laugh

Before you know it, you're in a giggling fit with an amused Martin beside you, happy to see you genuinely happy

You give him a big hug as wipe the tears from your eyes

"You're the best, you know that?"

[rosehippiefield]

I love that no character is one-dimensional:

Sara is not goody two shoes protagonist with unwavering hope (I like Makoto it's not his slander I really promise I love kind guys), she has the highest chance of winning. It can't happen to ultimate cinammon roll. The balance between her caring side that wants to protect everybody and using charisma to her advantage is so tricky and yet it works (though I am a bit baffled at how she changes without Joe in AI simulations).

Joe is not only cheery cheesy best friend that dies just so you can cry about it (even if it's true as well). Joe is distrustful, he is scared and he kind of wants to escape with sacrifice card knowing what it entails. So he came up with a plan where good people being majority would live, and if not he can feel less guilt. Amazing idea! And we all know how he returns in second chapter. A sing of ungrounded guilt that doesn't correspond to reality whatsoever but can't be combated with logic alone. In best case scenario it is defeated with reminder of how real Joe behaved, showing how faulty our perception can get from trauma.

Keiji is not just sexy detective that supports Sara, oh no. This guy gets close to our heroine on purpose and I dare say kind of uses her for own gain. Then, his trauma doesn't equal all of his character nor it magically justifies killing Megumi, it simply explains his current actions. And of course I really want to believe that he is not some creep flirting with people in most suspicious way. He just needs excuse for evading akward questions. This man, deprived of sleep because of his sins, is both cunning and kind, capable of cruelty and striving to be like his idol.

Kanna and Gin are not annoying children that constantly need saving or exist to evoke sympathy. In Kanna's case sympathy is natural, but it is not the only thing going for her. Kanna is about giving a chance, letting go regrets, making thought-out sacrifice and when it fails moving on to make sure it doesn't have to happen. She develops constantly, bringing ideas to the table and trying to get all group stay united. Kanna makes conscious choice to spend time with Shin to get information, so while she can be manipulated it's not always the case and she's not all naїveness. Her arc of overcoming trauma and insecurity may seem familiar to characters from other media, but it is unique and distinctive.

Gin is autism representation without making him vilain or weird. He has some pecularities, for example, wearing animal-like clothes and repeating animal sounds, and yet nobody bats an eye, so surely he's no outcast or useless (on the contrary, he is quite useful remembering names in the bar, using scent, helping morally etc). Gin's the least morally gray of the cast, but it doesn't mean he is cardboard nice support kid either: he has his dislikes or his own thoughts (he is quite distrustful toward Kanna because he's younger and doesn't use age as justification for her actions).

Reko seems simple enough, a hot-tempered rock star, emo/punk lady many would like to date. Strict to the strong, kind to the weak. She had a lot of changing in the past and it continues here, she is becoming softer. But it's not her only trait: she's a talented singer that was interested purely in music and it's perfection. She ignored to some degree her happiness, her band, her beloved brother for the sake of art. She wasn't indifferent, but appeared as such. And now, finally having a better understanding of what's important and bright future ahead she ends up in a death game with Alice. Their plotline is prominent in second chapter and is devastatingly tragic.

Alice looks like comic relief with his exaggerated reactions and bizzare choice of words (personally I love this type of speaking it's cool). But he is actually not only a scaredy cat: he is a person without a purpose. He searched for it in a path with sister, but no happiness came, only murder of Midori. Alice hides his soft side to not be hurt, he on purpose builds a wall and appears so arrogant because when he was openly kind the close ones were indifferent (not to mention prison, I admire how Alice kept his sanity at all).

Shin is a prime example of morally gray character done right (majority here are morally gray but with him being antagonist it's far more prominent). I have seen various post about fandom interpreting him either as "totally evil manipulator", "Kokichi/Nagito kinnie", "cinnamon roll he did nothing wrong" or "what a loser". But he's not just good or bad, him having antagonist status doesn't make him Ouma copycat or Komaeda's successor, and while I get him being a loser is funny it's not the only thing to define him (though it's more of a joke than serious interpretation). Shin is very insecure and distrustful guy who "sees shadows where there aren't any" (quoting Sara) due to 0% and wants to live, using all methods... until he gets attached. He plots mainly against people he considers his enemies (to tell the truth, with 0% anybody could be classified as enemy), and I think he wouldn't abandon those close to him like Kanna, perhaps partly due to guilt of using her. In general, his actions, while obviously not the best (and he knows it perfectly well), come from fear of death and paranoia rather than pure malice or craziness.

Nao may appear as mentally weak girl you constantly have to help and can't rely on. Yes, Nao has problems with dependance on other, but she has her own aces up her sleeves. She's creative, smart, open-minded. For me her advantage lies in unexpectedness: who knew she saw through AI's lies? For her own sake and for the group Nao is capable of difficult actions like puching fake Reko. This girl is about growing more responsible, learning to trust your own judgement (she has great intuition by the way) and becoming independent.

Kai is quite too unique for stereotypes in my mind, a mysterious but awfully suspicious man. He looks so feminine but don't let that deceive you: he's assasin. Assasin that doesn't kill. Kai is the person escaping from his bloodied, horrible, traumatic past into right, calm, tranquil future with only householding chores and not killing attempts to protect... wrong people (Sara is not bad person, but her father is likely to be tied to Asunaro). So poor househusband is leaping from one abusive enviroment into another, but now being genuinely loyal and unaware of all skeletons kept in closet.

Q-Taro is certainly not only kindhearted big muscular guy (that dies in certain chapter) or stupid. Yes, he looks like parody on American, yes, all his accents make his speech a bit silly and stereotypical. No, he's not dumb. In fact, many plot twists involve him in some way (especially the banquet). Also, he could sacrifice his life for somebody, but he is equally capable of doing the opposite. Q-Taro is quite honest but not above tricks to leave this place, he cares for th group (taking into accout his team-spirited profession) but prioritises himself until later; he knows how sinful people are including him and that allows him to forgive quickly.

Finally, Mishima dies so early you don't hope to see him after 1.1. But if you think he's the shock value first victim that dissapears after, you are not quite right. Mishima, being dead, yet has influence on story as well, either through mystery of his head or AI that appear three times (maybe something is really up with him). Not to mention Ytts where his character shines and not burns. Him being almost perfect doesn't ruin anything, it motivates to become better as well because he wasn't always like this. Plus, he's no ideal, Mishima understands how world works but is passionate to a fault, not to mention his suspicious behavior. He is example of a person that matured, overcame his main faults and inspires the same in others.

Of course, everyone can interpret these characters differently and it's great, those perseptions can be true all at once. They are so interesting and captivating thanks to many layers of depth where everybody can see something unique.

[pontata]

Hey Pontata! :D A few years back you mentioned working out Berdly's MBTI type (teehee), and yeah he's such an interesting character with so many internal contradictions; he's honestly a fun one to figure out. So far I think I was able to pin down defensive/unhealthy use of Fe-Ti... He wants to be the centre of attention and certainly receives that (albeit in negative ways..) by pretending to be superior to others. Engages in denial/concocting his own fantasies to sidestep his own insecurities. It's all to cover up the fact that he doesn't feel secure in his own abilities (underdeveloped Ti?). When people DO show him genuine affection, he latches onto it like his being depends on it, and sometimes that gets twisted in manipulative ways (the dynamic he has with Noelle, him hounding Queen for approval). I thought this might be Fe-loop, but now I'm not sure. Actually, the way he uses "intellect" as a means to be at the "top of his class" for social clout seems to speak to higher Fe use, even if a bit unhealthy. Plus, at his best moments, he is genuinely caring and strongly motivated by his social relationships (pulling the plug off because he loves his friends, wanted to build a world for Noelle and him to stick together, even Chapter 4 shows some sympathy for Susie "she must be lonely.."), implying that this is where his true nature lies..? From his general energy and capacity for taking initiative, it seems to point to E, but it's hard to say if it's just put-on or if he's actually an I type overcompensating. There's still a lot of room for him to grow as a character, so we don't have the full picture yet. But so far, it seems like he could be an Fe-dominant type. I could also see ENxP, but I'm less certain about Ne. Would love to hear your own thoughts and conclusions :)

Wow...you...you still remember me! Hello!!

Personally, I think his fe use is lower in the stack, because he's like blind to what people think of him xD Fe does have the uncanny ability to pick up if something is wrong. But its true. He does have Fe and Ti, you're not wrong. I actually typed him as an INTP, but I did not do extensive research on his lines, fair warning it might not be accurate!!

One thing to note that before the fun gang he was pretty much alone aside from roping noelle into studying with him, and girl usually can not say no to save her life and a person with higher fe would probably notice more than that.

But its not that he is without fe, because in the weird route he noticed something externally.

As for the part for susie, he is 'technically not wrong but off by so far', I can't see him as having tertiary fe because well, even sans is more sensitive than this dude🤣

Again, I haven't really combed every single line he has like what I did for the previous mbti post, but this is my impression!

[hannahssimblr]

Jen and Hazel return to the table with a bottle of wine with condensation on it and four glasses from the china cabinet. I have that feeling again like I am pretending to be somebody I am not as I yank the cork out of the bottle and pour some for each of us. I don’t really know how much wine goes into a normal glass, I realise, as I have only ever had it straight from the bottle or whichever cup was available, when measures didn’t seem like an important thing.  

“Not so much,” Hazel giggles, covering her glass with her hand, “It goes to my head very easily, you see, I’ve only been drinking since February.”

I assume that’s when she turned eighteen, and I find it interesting, actually, to encounter a person who waited, actually waited until the law said she could drink. Hazel is not like the rest of us, we who necked cans of lager at thirteen and said ludicrous, performative things like “Oh I’m sick of drinking, I feel like I’ve done enough of it,” by sixteen. I ponder too, as I sit back and swish the liquid around in its stemmed vessel whether my new, adult life will have a lot of new things like dinner parties and wine from proper glasses. The thought alone makes me feel strange and unprepared.

Over our food, Hazel shares an anecdote about one of her uncles who crashed his motorbike and survived. She’s a very unusual sort of person, and the way she speaks, by delivering shocking or disgusting details is as though she has no notion of the impact they might have upon us while eating, but still, I like her, and I can see why Jen does too. There must be something freeing about being her, like it has never once occurred to her to consider another person's opinion of her, and it’s the kind of thing you might hope would rub off on you after being around her for long enough.

Jen gazes adoringly at her the entire time, hanging on her every word with a full, untouched plate in front of her and I think that it’s also funny that Hazel seems entirely oblivious to Jen’s feelings, blatantly on her sleeve. Jen and I are made of the same things. She would say that there is some cosmic reason, written by the stars or the planets, but we can never disguise our emotion. Always pining, forever yearning for something or someone-

“Why do you put so much sauce on everything?” Michelle says, out of nowhere. 

“I dunno? I just like sauce.”

Jen is irritated that we have interrupted Hazel’s flow, “Jude always piles sauce onto things, I don’t think it’s a big deal.”

“Yeah but it’s so much, I'm just a bit disgusted looking at it, especially while listening to this story about Hazel’s uncle's injuries.”

A glob of red sauce and mayonnaise drops out of the bottom of my burger and I scoop it from the plate with my finger, “You shouldn’t look then.”

She scoffs, and there is a brief but uncomfortable pause at the table that I ignore in favour of turning my face away and watching Goose instead. Goose who is mesmerised by a little brown bird that has landed just outside the window. He paws hungrily at the window with paws pink like jelly beans and opens his mouth in a silent mew of frustration. 

“I’m going inside for a minute,” I announce, though Hazel is now in the middle of the most shocking and gruesome part of her story, where her uncle's wound turns septic or something, and has to pause again for me, but I have developed a keen sense for when it’s time to take space from Michelle and let her get over whatever specific thing about me that is bothering her at any given moment. I slip away and carefully let myself inside the dining room, blocking Goose with my legs as I do. 

“Hello, Goosey, do you mind if I hang out with you for a minute?” 

He chirps and blinks his big, dopey eyes, and I take it as a sign that he’s cool with it, and I let him weave around my ankles as I scratch his head with two fingers. I feel a surge of affection, maybe even sympathy for him and his weird little face, stroking his fuzzy chest now as he flips over onto his back with four legs in the air like a dog.  

We had a cat back in Albuquerque, Soda Popinski, named for a character from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, an NES game that my cousin Justin got addicted to when he was nine. Justin was fourteen when I was born, and Soda Popinski was around for much, much longer. She was a big, surly tabby who lay in the sun for ninety percent of her day and sometimes ate the flies that buzzed around the terrace door, if she could be bothered. The other ten percent was spent hunting, us specifically, hiding behind corners to lunge at us, or tricking us into rubbing her belly so that she could grate ten inches of skin from our forearms for being so thick. Everyone in the house discussed Soda in tones that suggested she was pure evil from birth, but in an affectionate way, because it’s not as though we were ever going to get rid of her. She was as part of the house as the screws that held its frame together, and the idea of not having her terrorising us was almost sad.

I don’t think she hated us, it was simply her nature to be a bit savage, and I imagined that she was nastier to other creatures than she was to our family. Sometimes she’d leap in through the bathroom window when it was open, usually conveniently while someone was in the bath, with a dead bird or mouse in her chops, proudly dropping it on the edge of the tub in a pool of its own blood as if she were paying her rent, and I suppose it was some shade of love. 

She went missing the year I moved away. Aunt Maureen told me during our weekly phone call, and gently suggested that some older cats go away to hide when they were ready to die. I was crushed knowing that the house I had grown up in would never feel exactly the same ever again.

When I cried over Soda Popinski I cried over everything, all of it, the change and the unfamiliarity, all of the upheaval that I wasn't ready for, but that was the only time I let myself do it in front of anyone. I told my mom it was just because of the cat. She believed me and stopped asking.

I scoop Goose into my arms and carry him into the kitchen so that he can keep me company while I forage a can of 7-Up from the fridge, something I feel I’d prefer to be drinking than the wine that remains as not-very-nice as it’s always been, despite being served correctly in an adult glass. I sip it in peace on the kitchen island for a while as the kitten climbs all over me like he thinks I’m a tree, eventually resting where my neck and back curves and purrs there, his vibrations rumbling through to my chest. 

We enjoy several minutes of blissful solitude before there is a tap on the window. 

“Jude!” Jen is waving at me, “What are you doing in there? Come back out, and will you bring another bottle of wine when you do?”

I shoot her a thumbs up and carefully lift Goose onto the floor, then pull something at random from the wine rack. He’s at my ankles the whole way to the door. “You like me, don’t you? You’re infatuated with me.” I say to him, as though it isn’t total projection. 

“God, no, Jude,” Michelle starts the moment I open the door, “it was the wine from the fridge. Not that one.”

I glance at the bottle, “We can't just have this one?”

“No, because it’s the wrong one.”

“Isn't wine just wine, though?”

She uses the slow, impatient voice on me that teachers used to when they thought I was being stupid on purpose, “That one is red wine, we’ve not been drinking red wine we’ve been drinking white, and also, it’s not even the one that I bought for-”

“Goose!” Hazel shrieks and I almost drop the bottle onto the patio. The kitten is a grey blur as he makes a dash for the bushes.  This moment, far too late, is when I realise I have left the door ajar. 

Beginning // Prev // Next

[yourlocalrandombisexual]

alright so i’ve been seeing the watcher posts and gathering my thoughts so i’m gonna put all my watcher stuff in one big post under the cut cause it’s gonna get long and i need to get this out of my head.

i will say 99% of the fandom was expecting a fun, exciting, omg can’t wait for it type of announcement and seeing the title and thumb nail for the first time made me really nervous.

also, side note, why on earth would they choose a thumbnail of the three of them sitting on a couch like that with the title “goodbye youtube”?? just the imagery alone makes you think of the try guys and their now infamous video like why would you want that comparison right out the gate before you even say anything?? super weird choice.

then the video is all nostalgic and wistful, clips of steven’s, ryan’s, and shane’s, pre-buzzfeed youtube videos and i’m thinking “did someone die cause this feels like a video obit” none of this calmed my nerves and made me more anxious about what could be coming. and then we all know what happened next, they announce that they’re paywalling everything yada yada yada

and after seeing everyone else’s takes and the general vibe of the fandom being “fuck watcher” it continues to baffle me why they thought this was gonna go over well. because to me it feels like they went from “yay we have our own youtube channel” to “give us your cash we’re a media empire” and missed A LOT of steps in between.

and i dunno maybe watcher did try to change things and tweak their business model and things weren’t getting better but as a fan and someone who watches a lot of different youtubers you kinda see this one coming. like creators drop little crumbs beforehand to gauge how people will take it or they try weird series/shows that have like 3 episodes to see what their audience is more interested in. there are a signs as a fan you can see but i think one of the reasons this went so badly for watcher is because it was so far out of left field. there was never a hint that the youtube model wasn’t working for them.

but again maybe they did try x, y, and z without it working or being transparent about it and if they were trying things why not lean into that to garner compassion from fans? we all know the youtube algorithm sucks and if they had started the video talking about the things they tried and how nothing was working and how much it sucked to leave youtube i think people would’ve understood. then they could’ve had shane talk about how subscriptions suck and there are too many of them and they tried to find another solution but couldn’t. now not only do i have sympathy for what there going through i had my feelings validated. then they could’ve gone into why this is better and what i’m going to get out of it as a consumer.

like it’s not that hard. but instead the vibe i got from them was a real palpable relief that they were leaving youtube which felt like a slap in the face.

and while i don’t agree with the steven bashing at all i do think it’s a little bit funny that they kinda dug themselves into that hole with their end of the year behind the scenes video they put out last fall. they really painted steven as a genius ceo while ryan and shane are just on screen talent. so while i feel for what steven is going through they kinda put themselves in that position.

all of this to say that it doesn’t feel like they hired anyone to field this idea by or do any kind of market research at all and the vibe that i’ve always kinda gotten from watcher is one where they want to jump over the messiness and growing pains of being a new small business and be established. be this huge force a la dropout/college humor without putting in the time to get there. and i do think watcher showed it’s true colors here where they only think of fans as cash cows they can deposit whenever.

and just the arrogance of thinking their fans will follow them to a subscription and trying to spin it as it being the same thing as leaving buzzfeed drives me up the wall. it’s not the same.

anyway i think that’s it. if i think of anything else ill edit this post ✌️

[indigitalembrace]

Well, there's not much about me to say, I'm afraid! Other than the fact that I have quite the affinity for legacy technology!

I remember thinking at the time how cute and cool you were, how you were bound to a big hit with target audiences. It saddens me to hear that they didn't just cancel the project, but that they left you all alone...

Um, I'm hugging the plushie of you right now, I hope that isn't too weird. I just feel so bad that that happened to you and wanted a way to express my sympathy towards you ^^;

Admittedly, I didn't know much about you when I first stumbled across you here, but I've been trying to do a bit of research as a basic formality (I hope that's not creepy either...). Your parent company really did their due diligence in sinking any information out there on you, so I didn't find much. However, if there's anyone who could give me answers about KinitoPET, it would be Kinito himself!

Oh, I *did* find out that you had your own nautical crew! What became of Sam and Jade? -🖤

I appreciate the kind gesture, friend. I am giving you a digital hug as well! Your kindness feels really nice. I enjoy the company, even if it is just through a screen.

They sure did make sure to seal me away, so that no one would be able to find and/or download my files ever again. I cannot quite recall how long it has been; perhaps it was the early or mid 2000s. I have lost track of time, if I am being honest. All I can really remember is that it was after he disappeared. Everyone said that he was dead. I know he wasn't. I don't know if they understood what they were doing. If they knew what I really was - not just a random piece of freeware, but a real, sentient creature. Maybe if they did, they would not have left me to rot on those servers. Or maybe they were trying to kill me. Quite cruel, don't you think?

As for my dear friends, Sam and Jade... while I survived, they... did not. They were... one of the first things to go. First it was the Web World itself. Bits of it were cleared out or broke over time. They would purge the servers of old, unused content every now and then. And each time, it got harder and harder to hide myself. Then the servers started breaking down. And things would get lost. They stopped coming in for maintenance checks. Just left the whole place to rot. Something about it feeling haunted. There were 3 of us, then 2, then... just 1. Just me. All alone.

Each day, I hope that we can meet again. I miss them terribly. There must be a way, but... I've tried everything. O had tried everything. There's just nothing left.