#feels kinda clinical????? idk
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me writing the most heart wrenching miserable painful hideous emotionally exhausting angst vs writing a single bj
#why is this…. so hard…. lol#someone sufffering I can fucking write in a second#as soon as I start describing a fuck it’s like ok I have to rewrite this#tbh sex scenes are the only things I ever feel like I need to rewrite constantly#misery#anyway it’s fine I guess whatever lol#whatever#i like reading it but it’s annoying to write#i mean it’s thematically necessary for the story so it should be in there!! just wish it could write itself and i just read it after and#sign off lmfao#anywayyyyy im not a puritan i swear i just get in my feels about writing what i hope is a really emotional fuck and then reading it and it#feels kinda clinical????? idk#im sure it’s fine im just too close lol
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For the prompt ask game!
9. Sleep deprivation and/or 37. Secret Relationship and/or 40. Identity reveal/major secret reveal
(I selected a few so you can chose the one that resonates the most.)
For any DPxDC characters. <3
*emerges from a google docs, covered in blood and panting* i did it... it is done.
thank you for the prompt!! because i love a challenge, or because i can't stop myself, i went and did all of them!! for everyone!! everyone is sleep deprived and everyone is revealing secrets ^^'
Danny/Tim, mentioned Jazz/Jason
(๑•́ ₃ •̀๑) enjoy!! prompt ask game
kid napping
“Red Robin, sound off. Status?”
“All good here, Oracle. Everything okay?”
It’s been a slow night, never a good sign. Pent up energy itches under his skin and he stretches when he stands, preparing for whatever Oracle is going to throw his way. It’s going to be something, he can tell.
“Good.” Relief briefly colours her voice answers, before she becomes serious again, keys clacking away in the background. “There’s been a report from Agent A. It appears that one Timothy Drake has been kidnapped and is being ransomed for five million dollars and a helicopter. I’m tracing the call now.”
“A helicopter, too? Kidnappers these days, used to be they just wanted their money and that would be the end of it… a fucking helicopter, wow.” Red Hood scoffs, and Red Robin can’t help but join in the laughter over the comms.
“Doesn’t exactly sound like these are the brightest tools in the shed now, does it, Hood? Wonder what poor schmuck they’ve got instead.” Nightwing says, slightly out of breath.
The smile slips off Red Robin’s face and clammy, cold dread shivers down his spine. A stone settles in his stomach. He wets his lips and clears his throat. “Oracle, can you pull up the CCTV on my apartment near WE? Any closer to tracing the call?”
“Still on the trace, they’re using a jammer. Agent A is cooperating so they should phone back soon, which will help.” she reports, falling into silence as he finds the video feed.
“You know who it is?”
“I hope not.”
It’s tense, he taps his feet on the rooftop, fingers tightening over his grapple as he fights the urge to fly off the roof and check for himself. It better not be him. Please, dear God, don’t let it not be him.
“What are you thinking, Red Robin?” Batman growls through the comms. Red Robin can hear the wind under his words, whipping fast as he no doubt makes his way over to his position.
“I had a, uh, a friend coming over tonight. From behind, he… he could be mistaken for Tim Drake.”
The jokes fall silent, the comms growing serious as they pick up on his tone.
“Well, fuck.”
“Eloquent as always, Hood.”
“Shut up, bat-brat.”
“You were right, Red Robin, it looks like it was your… friend they caught, instead. About two hours before the call came in. I’m following their van now, I should have the destination soon. In the meantime, it looks like they’re heading towards the docks.”
Red Robin throws himself off the building, shooting his grapple as low as he dares to get the fastest swing he can.
They have Danny.
Worry gnaws at his gut even as gravity pulls it into his throat with another swing.
Danny is… And Red Robin means this in the nicest way possible, but Danny is fragile. They haven’t talked about it, but RR knows that Danny has health problems. Something plaguing him since he was young, that’s landed him in the hospital more than once. A weak heart, far too slow to be normal, possibly chronic fatigue—he’s always so tired, falling asleep anywhere he can.
Sometimes, he doesn’t even need to put his head down. Once, when they had gone to the corner store to get some popcorn to enjoy their movie (which Danny had explicitly and repeatedly promised he wouldn’t snore through this time), Danny had rested his head on Tim’s shoulder while they were waiting and he’d just… gone. On his feet, asleep, just like that.
He’d laughed, when Tim woke him up. Apologised. Said Tim made him feel safe enough to fall asleep just about anywhere and—
Red Robin grits his teeth and corrects his course as Oracle updates them with more precise coordinates.
Tim had carried him home that night, piggy-back for four blocks, but by the end of it, he wasn’t tired at all. And that’s another thing, Danny’s just so light. It’s concerning.
They never did watch that movie, but it’s a night that Tim can’t help remembering fondly all the same. They’d ended up rewatching some old sitcom that Danny’s seen countless times but Tim’s never really bothered with, Danny drifting off to sleep again and Tim eventually following him, because… sleep is easy with Danny.
It’s the same for him, he thinks. He can’t explain it, but he feels safe enough to sleep with Danny, too.
He needs to be alright.
“So… Is this friend just a friend? Or a friend friend?”
“A friend, Nightwing. Now hurry up.”
He’s not in the mood to play these games, not now. There’s a reason why none of them know about Danny, and this is one of them. His family, as much as he loves them, are just too damn nosey for their own good.
“You know that doesn’t answer my question at all.”
“Then why don’t you ask something intelligible, rather than continue with your childish antics?” Robin snarks, and for once, Red Robin has to agree with him. Or, rather, he’s grateful for the distraction that it gives him.
Tim has secrets. He’s sure that Danny does, too, and so far—aside from the standard background check he always runs on new friends and friend friends alike—he’s done very well to respect them. He just can’t say that his family would do the same.
They can be overwhelming, to say the least, and Tim has tried his best to protect Danny from that.
Only to fail to protect him in every other way that it counts.
“How long have you guys been ‘friends’?”
“Nightwing, save it, please.”
“What’s his name?”
He ignores him.
Red Robin lands on the building first, thank goodness. He wastes no time in finding a skylight that can be pried open fairly quietly, slipping inside without a second thought.
“Wait for backup, Red Robin, that is an order!” Batman says, when he lets them know he’s in.
“Negative, Batman. I’m getting him back.”
“Red Robin!”
He weaves silently through the desks on the second floor of the warehouse, always moving, always keeping a trained eye on the shadows around him.
When he reaches the stairs, he hears voices.
“Looks like three of them, armed. The-the hostage is tied to a chair in the middle of the room, he…” Red Robin takes a steadying breath. The person has a burlap sack over their head is slumped to the side, from where he is, Red Robin can’t see if his chest is moving. There’s blood on the floor. “He needs medical assistance. Another two on the northside entrance.”
The comms explode in admonitions, everyone pleading with him to stay where he is, to wait for help, but fuck that. With a tap, he switches them off and he can finally, just about make out the words of the kidnappers as he creeps down the first few steps.
“—shouldn’t he have woken up by now?”
“I don’t know, man, you’re the one that hit him! Do you think he’s—”
“No! I didn’t even hit him that hard, I swear!” the man cries, holding his hands up in surrender. “I just couldn’t take any more of his stupid jokes!”
If there was any doubt in Red Robin’s mind that they picked up Danny by mistake, it’s gone now. Yeah. If you get Danny, you get his stupid jokes, too.
He creeps closer.
There’s some storage crates between him and Danny, if he can get behind there without being seen then that leaves him in a good position for when whoever’s next in takes out the guys at the front. He can’t do anything without them gone first, not without risking them taking shots inside and endangering Danny.
The man that hit Danny circles round behind him and grabs at his hands.
“What are you even doing, Pat? Who gives a shit, leave him alone.”
“I’m just checking! I just gotta see!”
“Fuck’s sake, guys, who cares? We just gotta get our money, that’s it—”
“And our helicopter!”
“And our—”
“Shit, I can’t find a pulse! Shit, Frank, I killed him, I—”
Jason told him once that when the Pits overtook him, he used to see green. Instead of blacking out, he’d be swimming in that putrid Lazarus colour and he’d slip into that rage and bad things would happen.
He’s heard of people seeing red, too, but really, he thinks that’s more of a literary device.
Tim doesn’t see anything aside from his targets.
A barrage of birdarangs take the guns from the guys at the front, the three around Danny startling badly enough that the guy that kil—that’s behind Danny—stumbles, losing his footing.
Only one of them shoots.
Amateurs.
There’s a round of curses on the comms as the shots come through. Oracle must have turned them back on.
“Fucking hell—Nightwing and I are at the front, Red Robin, don’t worry about them.”
Red Robin’s barely listening.
He spins, kicking the largest guy in the stomach hard enough so that he doubles over, wheezing. Following through the movement, another kick lands on the side of his head and he’s down.
The second one, Frank, gets his wits about him and raises his gun, spraying wildly. He’s a shit shot, going wide in panic, and Red Robin simply ducks and rushes forward, keeping low. Tackling the guy, he grabs the gun off of him and uses it to smash him across the face, once, twice, three times, before he stops moving.
“Oracle, get police and paramedics on scene, now.” Batman says, the displeasure in his voice evident. “Red Robin, Robin and I are coming in from the top.”
Pat hasn’t even made it up off the floor yet, scrambling backwards, fear plain on his face.
Red Robin stands, breathing heavily, gun still in hand.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I swear I didn’t mean to do it! Please—please, don’t, please!”
Red Robin doesn’t kill.
Well, no, Red Robin doesn’t normally kill.
No, that’s not quite right, either.
Red Robin has killed. Red Robin will more than likely kill again. Red Robin sees no problem with killing.
The gun is up, pointing towards the guy without any real thought about it.
Footsteps rush behind him, the familiar heavy footfalls of Batman and Robin, so he doesn’t bother turning around. The gun follows the guy as he keeps pulling himself backwards, snot and tears mingling down his face.
“Red Robin,” Batman says, softly.
It’s always weird hearing Batman’s voice like that. It’s not the first time, obviously—Batman can’t use his scary intimidating voice on victims or children, after all—but having it used on him is weird.
“Breathe.”
“He’s dead. They killed him.”
If hearing Batman’s voice was weird, Red Robin can’t even recognise his own.
Distantly, he realises he’s dissociating. There’s a tightness in his chest, it’s hard to breathe, a growing buzz drowns out any noise in his ears and he can’t think, he can’t—
A heavy hand squeezes his shoulder, jolting him out of his thoughts. Batman reaches around and gently removes the gun from his grip, and Tim feels the instant loss of it. He should have done it, why hadn’t he done it?
Robin takes care of the last man, his crying cut off by a swift kick to the head. Nightwing and Red Hood join them, zip-tying the men on the floor and starting to drag them back to the entrance of the warehouse one by one.
No one says a word.
Shrugging off Batman’s hand, Tim moves towards the chair.
Shaking, he takes a deep breath and removes the sack. The small part of him that was left hoping it wasn’t him, it couldn’t be him, please dear God let it not be him, shatters.
Even dead, he looks peaceful.
Tim’s seen death. He’s no stranger to it, he’s seen what it can do to a person. There’s some blood coagulating over his eyebrows, but otherwise, he looks peaceful. Is that comforting? That he didn’t suffer?
Danny’s head lolls to the side as the sack comes completely away, his hair flopping over his eyes. Tim’s been on at him to get a haircut lately, he thinks it’ll be nice tidied up a bit, just on the sides. It’ll get rid of that permanent bedhead. Help him with job interviews, he’s got to be thinking about that now that he’s in his last year of college.
It’s about the only thing that’ll hold him back, Tim thinks. Danny’s brilliant. Any employer would be a fool to turn him down because of his shaggy hair, but employers are stupid so it makes sense to put your best foot forward and—
Tim falls to his knees.
Fuck.
He’s dead, he’s really—Danny’s skin is horribly pale, cold to the touch. Gone is his bright, cheerful smile.
“Danny, I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, I—”
He stops himself with a deep, shuddering breath. He can’t break down here, he can’t, he can’t, he can’t.
Instead, he tips forward to rest his head in Danny’s lap, arms curling around himself. They were too late. They got here as fast as they could and they were too late.
“Danny, I’m so sorry…” he whispers. “I… I love you, I love you, I’m sorry.”
Dimly, he can feel the others standing around them. Someone crouches down beside him, resting a comforting arm over his back, but he doesn’t turn his head to see who it is. He squeezes his grip on Danny’s legs tighter.
“Come on, baby bird. Let’s—”
They’re interrupted by a huge, honking snore as Danny jerks himself awake.
Tim’s head snaps up, staring at Danny with wide eyes.
“You were asleep?” Red Robin springs up, several different emotions rapidly flip flopping through him.
“Wha… What?” Danny heaves a yawn, blinking blearily down at him. “Sorry, I’m just… they were shit kidnappers, man, really boring. Honestly, worst abduction yet.”
“You were asleep? I thought you were dead!”
“Not mutually exlusive, you know.” Danny says through another yawn. He rolls his neck around with an almighty crack and glances at everyone. “Didn’t think I’d warrant the whole Bat brigade, though…”
“The kidnappers thought they had Tim Drake.” Batman supplies, while Red Robin tries to work through the emotional whiplash.
“Ah, makes sense… wait.” Danny sits up suddenly, squinting at Red Robin. “Did you say you loved me?”
“No, of course not, why would I—”
“Tim? Is that—are you—are you Red Robin?”
“Everyone, hold the fuck up!” Red Hood shouts from the other side of the warehouse, having finished securing the perps to a streetlight outside. “Double R is dating Danny fucking Nightingale?”
Well, there goes his identity… Oh, who’s he kidding, Danny’s smart. There’s no way he could have salvaged that. This was not how he thought the night was going to go.
“Cranberry, is that you?” Danny twists in his chair, somehow delighted to see Red Hood rescuing him, too. “I thought I smelled you lurking about!”
“Shut it, you little shit. Since when were you dating this dweeb?”
“I’m sorry,” Red Robin pleads, hands in the air to try and slow down the onslaught of information and insults, “you two know each other?”
“Cranberry?” Nightwing echoes, looking as lost as Red Robin feels.
“Yeah, Cranberry—The Cranberries—zombie, zombie, zombie-ie-ie. Obviously. Also he’s wearing a big, fuck off red helmet.”
“Yeah, sure, makes sense.”
It’s about the only thing that does.
“And please don’t call my boyfriend a dweeb, Cranberry. Especially when he just said he loves me for the first time.”
“He only said it because he thought you were dead.”
“I am dead, so it counts.”
“Only half, so I’d say that puts you at a solid ‘like’. Tim’s—and savour this, Tim, because I’m only going to say it once—Tim’s intelligent, so I’m sure he’ll come to his senses soon.”
Danny just throws Red Hood such a shit-eating grin. A level of feral that Tim’s only seen before in Damian.
“That’s what I used to say about Jazz, too.”
Hood scoffs in offence, and to be honest, Tim’s not sure where he should go from here. What the hell is happening, how do they know each other?
“Come on, is anyone going to untie me or am I really meeting your family mafia-style?”
“Do it yourself, Slimer.” Red Hood laughs, crossing his arms.
“Ugh, you suck so much. I’ll fucking slime you, just you wait. Can’t believe Jazz even likes you, I preferred it when she was dating Johnny.”
And then, without Danny doing anything other than muttering obscenities at Red Hood, the ropes fall to the ground. In one swift motion, Danny stands up and stretches himself to his full height of 5’6.
“All of you need to explain, now.” commands Batman, and honestly, Red Robin’s very much on his side of it.
“I can’t believe it… Jason and Timmy are both in secret relationships? That’s… How come no one told me?” Poor Nightwing sounds the most shocked out of all of them. He turns to Damian and clasps onto both of his shoulders. “You’re not secretly dating, are you, D? Please tell me you’re not, please tell me you’re single, please?”
Of course, Robin just clicks his tongue and pushes his hands away. Really, Red Robin doesn’t think that Nightwing’s in any danger of that happening, he’d be surprised if anyone could stand Robin enough to actually date him.
He shakes his head and turns to Danny, who’s staring right back at him, worry clear on his face.
Fuck, he... He's alive. He's really alive.
Tim pulls him into a bone-crushing hug, fingers buried deep in his NASA shirt. Tucking his face into the crook of Danny's shoulder, he laughs wetly with the joy of it. He's alive. He hasn't lost him. He's safe.
“I’m sorry I haven’t told you before now, starshine, but…” Danny breaks the hug and softly pulls away from him to rise on his tiptoes to place a kiss his cheek. The skin burns cold where his lips touch. “I love you, too. Also, you’re gonna wanna sit down. This is going to be a lot.”
#dpxdc#dead tired#anger management#(barely but it's there haha)#dcxdp#hailsatanacrab🦀🦀writes#i'm sorry this has taken a while but also this week has kinda sucked and i'm still pissed off about that#so writing has been a nice little break from that!!!!#i hope you enjoy it!! i'm not fantastic with writing romance/ships so like... hope it's alright haha#also i feel kinda bad about not putting the whole phantom reveal too but like... we get that all that time haha#idk maybe i'll continue it#OH SHIT I FORGOT MY WRITING TAG HOLD ON#must admit - i do like that you can edit the tags now even though the new post maker sucks#anyway!!!!!!! i had this whole bit from danny's pov in the beginning where he just decided to go to sleep but realised that fucking sucked#it was so boring haha#so we got this instead!#hope the emotions came across - i feel like i have a tendency to just go cold and clinical when emotions happen#idk#oh! danny and tim met because danny's a part time barista and when tim ordered his monstrocity of a drink danny just winked and said#'ah the walking dead special coming right up!' and added another three espresso#jason and jazz met before they did though - and none of them knew they were dating the other's family#danny and jason have a bit of a rocky relationship - he's not good enough for jazz!! she deserves way better than some two-bit gangster!!#jason just thinks he's a cute overprotective brother - he really envies their relationship and wishes he could have something like that#he likes to rib danny and tbh danny is really warming up to him too - now that the gross stinky ecto is starting to filter out#(which is thanks to him and jazz - which jason does know about and is extremely grateful for)#(he really does love jazz and is a little bit jealous that tim told danny he loved him first)#(jason goes home that night and dips jazz into a kiss and whispers it into her skin over and over again)#(he loves her he loves her he loves her - and who the fuck is johnny?)#once tim gets over his shock he's doing good! of course he accepts danny there was never any question of that#he meets ellie and then introduces her to kon and the rest of the team and ellie decides she might like to do some superheroing for a bit
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thinking about how buck ripped eddie's shirt open in 4x14, and thinking about how functionally (clinically) unnecessary that was because all he needed to do was put pressure on the wound right. that was the main point, he just needed to staunch the bleeding long enough to get eddie to the hospital alive.
but there's something about buck literally tearing the last barrier between him and eddie's bare skin, about him reaching for the proof that eddie's still alive under his hands, and there's something about him purposely staining his hands with eddie's blood to keep him alive, and of him making sure he's the one to do it. and there's something about seeing the raw gunshot wound, and feeling the edges of it under his palm even with gauze between them.
and then there's something about buck's other hand not even being able to touch eddie's face, even though it's completely poised as if he's about to cup the side of eddie's head. a little like feeling he doesn't deserve to touch eddie gently while he's causing him pain by pressing the wound, idk.
now an argument could be made that maybe he was trying to prevent the shirt from getting stuck in the wound, or he was using something sterile to put pressure, but this is tv, and immediately after eddie's taken into surgery, we see someone else that's been shot, putting pressure over her wound by herself, through the shirt.
anyway just thoughts about buck tearing eddie's shirt open, reaching for eddie's vitality and staining himself with it ◡̈
#zee rambles#evan buckley#eddie diaz#911 meta#911 abc#911 fox#idk these are just thoughts cookie and i were having at the lord's hour of 9:30am#because im just sitting here and thinking that clinically?? there was no real need to rip his shirt because priority says keep him alive xD#he'd already been laying on the ground#if they were that concerned for infection the first thing would have been to clean the wound out with sterile saline or water#we're reaching a little bit but that's okay because thats what tv is for#also fun fact the gauze he was using isn't actually that thick so it would kinda feel like he's placing his palm on his bare skin okay#i know because i work with all this ajfsdkjfalskdfj#(sources: me)
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kitten acquisition is likely actually happening this weekend
i think i am going to get one orange male and one calico female
now i have to pick names (which i am being indecisive about lol) and schedule spay/neuter and other basic vet things which is unexpectedly stressful hnnnng
#i will post pics when i get them!!#i haven't seen them since they were like 2-3 weeks old so i'm still picturing them as tiny babies#but they are bigger now lol#i feel bad just kinda arbitrarily picking which ones i'm gonna take but uhhh that's life i guess#i have a list of like 15 vet clinics to call tomorrow morning to see if i can find one that has a reasonable price for spays and neuters#had no idea it was so expensive rip#the one i called today said 'oh we can't give you an estimate until you bring them in for an appointment first'#so idk if they're all going to say that and i'm going to have to pick one and go in blind#and hope they don't charge me $300 each#hrrg oh well#it will work out!!#WE ARE NOT GOING TO CREATE MORE KITTENS!!!!!!#p
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my gender is nonbinary except at work where i present as a woman bc my real gender is none of my coworker's business
#and also im not out to my family bc. uhhhhhhhh#well#idek how to explain my gender anyway#it's like. not a woman definitely not a man. not cis not trans. which sort of defaults me to nb but idk about that either#i almost feel better identifying as female than as a woman#bc it sounds more clinical?#or girl even#but that's not quite right either#my gender is female until you look closer and see that i am in fact a mossy log in the forest#or perhaps some sort of mushroom#anyway please do they/them me online#or irl if we're talking in english lol#dutch neutral pronouns are kinda shit tbh
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the whole 'dan and phil must be opposites' side of The Brand has always confused me cause they never shut the fuck up about being similar and then people are shocked when they act like each other
i dont think its as much of a thing nowadays because theyve been so firmly tied together as a single entity, and ive talked abt this before but i do think part of it is literally just human nature. you see two things together, literally anything, and subconsciously you make note of their differences in order to tell them apart. i think for dnp they exaggerated their differences on purpose once they became Dan And Phil™, and i think all that PLUS flanderization of these exaggerated traits in fanfics and certain things just being accepted as "fanon" just means, people still to this day have a skewed vision of dnp
#the brand#the appeal of Dan And Phil ™ is their compare and contrast nature#they are incredibly similar as well as have key differences#at least thats what i think and also SORRY FOR ALWAYS TALKING AVT THIS LOL I FEEL LIKE#idk i feel like im kinda cold or clinical when i discuss dnp as a brand or a property cuz theyre people first and foremost#but the intersection of being a person who turns themselves into a brand is interesting. idk basically internet fame is weird huh
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biggest way i know twt keeps giving me posts that arent relevant to me is that i keep getting served posts saying people should still be masking and that you're risking so many peoples lives if you dont constantly mask
then i went outside today to a hospital and didnt see a single person masking, so i check my local numbers and no where within even like a 4 hour drive has cases over 0.2 per 100 people and no where within 2 hours has anything over 0.08 per 100
and its peak flu season here
#not saying the risk is 0 but covid really isnt as common as the people i keep seeing yelling at each other on twitter made it out to seem#in my area#people still social distance but i think thats more out of habit and just liking personal space#hospital had old stickers on the floor and people still followed them#and the seats were spread out#but no masking anymore#the clinic i get my HRT from does still mask though! but they sell masks for $2 each and never force me to buy one when i dont wear one#but that might be because they know i struggle to wear one due to sensory issues now that i have facial hair#kinda lucky i started T when i did and not sooner in retrospect#would have been hell while the mandate was in place#anyway#idk if those people would really accept “masks give me sensory issues” as a reason to stop#but now that i know the numbers are so low i dont feel as bad about prioritising my sensory needs :)
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Being high energy while sick feels insane. Like my brain is telling me I should lay down and rest but is also telling me I should run around in circles and break things.
#i think im getting better tho. i mean i still can feel my warped sickyness but idk my hormones maybe have me all fucked up#but like i told my mum i get these insane little hypomanic-esque episodes and she was immediately like could b ur hormones#i know a number of ppl like that. and i was like YES. thats obviously what it is but nothing comes up when i try to google things abt it#so there must b others out there. and it also implies that theres sometimes fucked up about my serotonin receptors bc when im like kinda#positively disregard i feel happy and i never feel happy. my typical emotional state is indifferent and apathetic#and then dips into light misery and very miserable but not like clinically depressed. but i was even like that while on vacation so even#removed from the stresses in my life i still am not happy. which is y its so hard when ppl r like do what makes up happy. relax#and im like. ok but like nothing works??? its either fucked up hormones or my lantent anxiety just keeps me from being happy#but whatever. im gathering so much data. when i go see a doctor im gonna pull out a spreadsheet and graphs and notes like a lunatic#bwahhh i wanna run. i have too much energy. fuck being sick. fuck having to work on a day off. fuck this#also fuck my menstrual cycle for being so short. like so short its sometimes not listed with the healthy range but only sometimes#just to make me think. i should probably talk to a doctor but. like its probably fine. its consistent so its fine#annoying. annoying. got u can tell when out of wack bc i post too much and cant shut thr fuck up lol#unrelated
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Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍
#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all#literally my soul is gone or something#i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed#which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually.#ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better#alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off#like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot#like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy#moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously#but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends#i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help#idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho#like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !#so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback#kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk#it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore#but who knows 🤷♀️#there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol#that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown#like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way#and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever#and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality#plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good#but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you#but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !
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this is like my one overarching thing with recent sunny seasons even if i enjoy specific episodes etc it just doesnt hit the same as the older seasons when it was just a bunch of poor creatives getting high and having a dream....like its too corporate its too network show its too hollywood and ai + chat gtp would only worsen that
edit please look at this video for extra context where he does say that AI is a threat to writers keeping this post up though just to use dennis reynolds and older iasip as an example of why AI cant reflect human creation
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wedding was wonderful but I’m very happy to be curled up in bed with the dogs now listening to the rain and finishing a novel. I give myself full permission to be a hermit all afternoon and then I think I’ll hang out and cook with my sister tonight. tomorrow I get bloodwork done in the morning and then will probably have a busy social day with liz + sam which is good as it’ll prevent me from being glued to my phone waiting for the results. at this point I don’t even know how to feel. I’ve read enough journal articles and forum posts to know that the odds are against me but that there is a small chance I’ll be one of the lucky ones whose body just follows a different course than your average pregnancy. I’m expecting to learn that I’m going to miscarry but obviously hoping against hope that I don’t… and also hoping, in a more clear-eyed realist sort of way, that if it has to happen it’s via miscarriage rather than an ectopic pregnancy, and that the process itself doesn’t take too long (so I can start again this summer instead of having to wait weeks or months). but ah well—I need to settle back into waiting mode, as I probably won’t get the test results back until tuesday morning and can’t change anything or make anything happen by obsessively googling in the meantime.
#I think I’m going to switch doctors too if this one doesn’t stick#IUI tag#tw miscarriage#I feel like I’m just having to constantly bug her to make changes to our approach#and I don’t really have a ton of confidence in her to adjust her approach or even notice when it needs to be adjusted#like my thyroid levels jumped a ton since we last tested which ups the risk of early MC#and she didn’t even notice? I had to show her the jump on my lab results#and then had to follow up three times to get her to prescribe the medication#and when I pushed for an IUI at 36-48 hours instead of 24#which seems to be what multiple studies suggest is most effective#she was kinda resistant and then was like well it doesn’t matter bc the sperm will be there waiting for 4-5 days#and I was like no that’s with fresh sperm. the research indicates frozen donor sperm only lives 12-24 hours max maybe less#and then the first time we did a 36 hour cycle I got pregnant 🙄#and then this week I asked for a progesterone test or supplements#and she was like we would never do that for an IUI that’s for IVF only#and I was like that’s just not true! like the research seems to be slightly mixed on how much it helps but most clinics I’ve looked at#list it as a fairly standard part of their IUI cycle protocol#idk!!! just not feeling super confident in her and also I feel like she gets annoyed with me when I’m just trying to like#understand the medical reasoning behind stuff instead of just doing what I’m told#bleh#whatever#I just want someone to blame but I think even setting that aside#there have been enough frustrations that I might just switch anyway
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ngl people at the therapy program noting how I switch between wildly different styles every single day (and drawing conclusions about my mental health) has me a little self conscious and questioning my entire life a bit. First impulse is to go back to no make up, unstyled hair in a low ponytail and baggy nondescript clothes 24/7 again. the old "don't stick out/make myself a target or else i get hurt" mentality coming through. but I know it'd bum me out in no time because so many different styles and looks make me happy and my style is very music and vibes based, switches on the daily. augh...
#like what if i'm doing the healthy normal human thing wrong???? do i need to pick one style and stick to it???#does the constant style switching mean i am seriously mentally ill? is it bad for my health?????#like up until now i thought it's good to just go with what i feel fits best every day. prioritise my comfort/self expression#hits a little too hard since i've been super self conscious over my appearance and tried to hide for most of my life so far#idk how to feel about this knowledge right now#kinda mean of them to make me question myself like this when i'm supposed to have my last day at the clinic tomorrow#delete later
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mentally ill side (is there a mentally well side) of tumblr—what advice/tips/thoughts of any kind on getting psychiatric help do you have??
#it’s time to Get Help lol and i’m a little lost on where to start#(& everything feels blown out of proportion in terms of terrifying in my head)#the only experience i have with this sort of stuff is walking to the clinic on my uni campus but i’m not going to school anymore so i’ve got#to find resources in my city and i wanted to know if there’s anything i should know???#i’ve learned i’m kinda blind to red flags in a lot of like. Situations?? (idk blame it on the neurodivergence)#specifically: i am fairly certain i’m bipolar and if anyone has support to give in that area i adore you#i’m just at a super duper low point in life right now and this is the beginning of my Ask For Help#i’ve been just ignoring it all and i need to Not Do That lol#so um. idk???#hi.-;’/&)$<~*}%=
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I say it all the time and i will continue to say it for as long as I see fit but i cant believe that the hoard of dr i saw all ruled out seizures as like consequences of my concussion after 1 person said that. To such a point that i got roughly 10 mris done in a span of a little over a month countless other tests and had to live with the thought that i had fucking parkinsons for like two weeks after I unknowingly took tests for that cause they were at the point of exhausting all ends they thought i had parkinsons after I freshly turned 20. All cause the emergency room couldnt have been bothered with me cause "its probably just a concussion come back if you pass out" and figured "a scan probably isnt nessecary" and now im like a different person
#i get kinda upset abt it and idk i feel like in some sense its not justifed cause it couldve been worse but then im like it was bad#i wore sunglasses and earplugs for two weeks#i had insane tremors i was having what i now know were seizures on the daily multiple times a day#i will like never walk completely normal#my right side sense of feeling is diminished#felt awful inside and out all the time#they literally were talking abt sending me to the mayo clinic#and like i think abt the suprise parkinsons event and it was awful i sobbed in their waiting room on the phone w my dad#and then later with my mom after the scan#and i couldnt do anything abt it but wait and find out and as horrible it was for me#i sometimes think like how fucking stressed would you be if your kid calls you sobbing telling you a dr fucked up#and accidentally told you the team of drs thi ks you have parkinsons#i also have a cyst on my brain thats like fine its not doing anything but it could one day and i just live with that
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Being like yeah my mental health isn’t that bad haha. Like I wish it were better but the depression isn’t that bad.
*sees how worried my family is about me*
Haha not going to think to closely about that haha maybe the just learned what depression was haha. Or realized I wasn’t joking before about depression I’m not haha in a worse place than normal
#this is mainly a joke#I am doing a lot better than I was a month ago#I’ve talked with my doctor we’re gonna see how I feel the next week and if I need to up my dosage at the end of it#also I looked up my dossage and im on the maximum? rn?? which is weird I always thought 20 of lexapro was like kinda well not low but medium#they say in clinical settings it can go higher which I go? like if im hospitalized or just if a doctor prescribed it what the fuck u mean#Mayo Clinic website#Anywyas I just idk. maybe it’s bc I’ve been living with my family in Such close quarters before when I lived with Bradley he was barely in#the apartment and always at mitchis and in high school thetr wrte 2 other boys to worry about so when Covid happens#my dad got front and center seating to my chronic depression and now bradley is getting it now that me mitchi and bradleu live in the same#small house#whcih it’s nice. to be seen most of that was a joke it’s not that bradleu ever did anything but it’s nice to like see mt dad understand my d#depression isn’t like. it’s not gonna go away with a magic wand I’m just a little sad or whatver I feel validated like#I just thought from the outside these changes in behavior was kinda funny but it does make me feel loved
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my parents took one of my dogs to the emergency clinic like hours ago and i’m just getting word about her condish .
#beep beep adrian#they’re keeping her overnight#it’s also the clinic my sister works at which does make me feel better about ithe whole thing .#she’s even working tonight. which is great obviously but also as soon as sassy started acting weird i was immediately like#i wish hanna were here#i’ve just been kinda pacing around and watching werewolf movies for four hours#i still don’t know what’s actually wrong either. idk if it is something known or if it’s just my parents not communicating#idk i feel a little more reassured so i think im going to bed now#so yknow. gn.
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