#feeling dumb

[furiousgoldfish]

This is something I experienced as a child, that I don't fully understand yet, but it contributed greatly to me feeling like my parents are right and I must be stupid. I want to know if this happened to everyone else.

So there would be times when I would be under immense pressure from the abusers, and they would try to force me to understand a concept, but mostly by shaming me and yelling at me for not getting it and repeating some kind of, very general and non-explanatory claim that apparently should have been enough for me to get it. But I could not, in my brain, make a connection, I'm not sure if it was because at the moment I was terrified, pressured, ashamed and threatened, or if I was too young to figure it out. Sometimes my mind would go completely blank and I would not be able to take in new information at all, even though I desperately wanted to understand.

However, years later, I would remember that same thing, but now I had more context about it, more knowledge that surrounds it, more ideas on how things work, and even without thinking about it more, I would suddenly understand what they were talking about. I don't know if it's the additional knowledge of the world that would help me put it together, or if it was brain development, or something else.

I had a similar problem at school, where sometimes things would be explained generally, and I just didn't understand it, I couldn't see the process of how the thing worked, and it was being said like it was something easy to understand, that I should have figured out instantly, and other kids seemed to get it. It left me permanently confused and worried that I must be somehow stupider than anyone else.

But, again years later, when I ran away from the abusers, I looked at the same concept and it made perfect sense instantly, and I didn't know how I couldn't make sense of it earlier.

Nobody had ever bothered to sit down and explain anything to me, even in school I was expected to have basic knowledge and build up on it. But growing up abused meant the most simple concepts were not explained; instead parents would say whatever suited them most was the truth, or tell me to stop being annoying with my questions, and I was left in the dark over the inner function of, pretty much anything. Sometimes, even when I did learn something at school and came home with the new knowledge, they would decide that it was trivial, wrong, unnecessary, and simply false. Which also made learning harder because I had to question everything, at all times.

Not being able to understand what others could instantly made me believe that I was in fact, stupid, and it made it more difficult to believe my own senses, my own conclusions, it made it difficult for me to know that my own thoughts, opinions and conclusions had any value at all. I often ignored my own instincts and senses and took for granted what others told me, which later often proved to be false, and just manipulative misinformation.

After escaping abuse, my mind cleared up and I don't know if I can attribute it to my brain finishing its development, but things are now extremely easy to understand, and any concept I struggled with before, comes naturally to me. I think at least a part of it had to be about me being in fight-or-flight mode and whatever brainpower I had fully focused on staying alive. I could not figure out some concept that made no sense to me in such a state. I also think it's possible that I just lacked so much general knowledge, I lacked references to put those ideas into context, I could not connect the knowledge to anything I've seen or experienced before, because I had no experienced that many things, but other kids have, so they could make the connection.

I'm also suspecting that maybe, general and vague descriptions of things were something I rejected because I needed to understand something in depth in order to feel like I am familiar with it, if I only had the wide general idea, I still counted it as 'not knowing', until I had some intimate experiences with inner workings of it. And with more life lived, I had more experiences, and became familiar in a way that made me confident about understanding it.

Did anyone else have a similar experience, and do you maybe understand why it happens this way?

[atzybutdeluluversion]

I need someeeoneeee who teach me how to use this app 😭😭 like, how do we interact??? HOW DO YOU DO FRIENDS???

[gitgellerimgeldilergidemediler]

Sometimes, I feel like I am wrong. I mean, everybody is right; they are on the right path, they are talking right, living right, but I am completely wrong. When I feel this way, I tell myself, "No! Your way is just different." and I know that's true. But the point is, knowing the truth doesn't make me feel better, and that's the real struggle.

"Bazen kendimi yanlış hissediyorum. Yani, herkes doğru; doğru yolda, doğru konuşuyor, doğru yaşıyor ama ben tamamen yanlışım. Böyle hissettiğimde, kendime "Hayır! Sadece, senin yolun farklı" diyorum ve bunun doğru olduğunu biliyorum. Ama işte mesele şu ki, gerçeği bilmek beni daha iyi hissettirmiyor ve bu da beni çok zorluyor."

[atinylittlepain]

Guess who just popped the bumper off their car the DAY AFTER IT GOT SERVICED

[seattlesellie]

i need sb!ellie to destroy me with her strap

i googled n asked what sb means n i have NO IDEA what u mean like i know ur 100% right for this but pls what does it mean is it sub buttom soft butch im lost !!!!

edit: its santa barbara ellie and im stupid and ur right

[createdtofeel]

ok chat I'm confused.

listen I'm nonbinary and I'm still socially perceived as a woman (which hurts btw).

I've come to terms with the fact that I, usually, do not feel attraction towards other human beings and it's fine. it has its own specific conditions to happen so yeah. we're cool.

I also came to terms with the fact that I do not fit in a monogamous style of relationship and that I do not feel like living in a fixated nuclear family with weird and dumb relationship hierarchies. it's pretty cool. I feel a lot better.

the thing that bothers me is: am I, really, able to feel attraction towards MEN????? of course it absolutely doesn't matter whether they're cis or not, just I don't understand.

I've had relationships with men and I KNEW I wasn't attracted. for sure. I knew I hated them, the situation, doing it and I still played myself. I confined myself in a cage. I hurt myself with performative heterosexuality and I recognize that, but I also had one (1) relationship in which I didn't despise the man. I actually craved his voice. his presence. to see his face, even if just in a picture.

and still, to this day, I can't wrap my head around the thought that I might have felt this way because he was the prototype of the person that I wanted to be. I never understand whether I want to be the people I love and experience their life or just love them and experience life with them. and I feel pretty guilty about it.

I'd love to just know. to just feel. in the moment I felt really safe. at home. but now that it's been over (it's been kind of 5/6 months??????????? I'm ashamed) I still can't stop (now it got better. seriously better.) thinking about him. idealizing him. and I'm afraid I'm just fixated on him and never felt really in love.

I'm afraid I'll never actually feel love, loved, cared for, listened to. I felt like it. but I'm afraid it was all just a big joke. I'm insecure.

I just wanna understand whether I'm hurting myself or giving myself time and space to feel and try and grow. I don't wanna hate myself anymore. I wanna care for me. I swear. I do.

[nonpublishedpoet]

When you drink a little and the first person you "drunk text" is Misha Collins. So glad he doesn't see half the text we send him. Sorry buddy 😂

[leavethishuskbehind]

I'm gonna be tired tomorrow.

It is currently 1:06am and I'm wide awake but I know I need to get in bed and at least try to sleep. My alarm goes off at 5 so a little less than 4 hours will do it (lol). I can nap when I get home if I really want to because I don't work a double, but universe knows I'll be wired when I get home so we'll see.

I feel lonely and I don't know why. He's right there. Asleep, but there. It makes me feel guilty to feel lonely but then makes me feel silly for feeling guilty. idk.

I just miss having a best friend let's be honest.

I'm pathetic.

[tykeabletay]

Why is it so hard to make hyperlinks and link texts on tumblr >.<

[nerdaprendizdebruxa]

How can we develop emotional intelligence? I need it right now, it is hurting.

[hystericmanifesto]

Being the only beginner in a foreign language class will shatter any sense of superiority you might have

[yourknightinshiningplastic]

was anyone going to tell me that the guy in the irresistible mv was from nsync or . did I have to learn it from my mom

[rub-the-rest-with-yellow]

Information

Édouard Manet 1879

At the café

Manet, with his combination of naturalism and impressionism, was great at capturing subtle emotions like indifference and melancholy. I tell people if they can't decide if something is a Renoir or a Monet, it might be a Manet, his style shared similarities with both.

[quipsykaylz]

Apparently I am dumb in the mornings, I asked if I should wrap separately or individually... this is the same thing 😭

[trust-over-love]

I have no words. Yet so much on my mind.

I don't think I have any more "it is what it is" left.

[jellyjamheadobb]