#feel like going to a mental hospital is the only option at this point

[epaily]

im tired

im just so unbelievably

unbearably

tired

[iz-star]

Zayne's newest card made me tear up a little.

He truly heals that part of me that it's very much broken and still under maintenance ❤️‍🩹

CW: Adult talk about mental health issues and how Zayne's been a good unintentional therapy.

I sometimes joke about how "To sit on his lap would totally fix me" as a reference to his Hidden Motive card and basically that he loves MC to sit on his lap but you know, I think to be hug by him is what actually would hold together all the pieces of me that are about to fall. He hugs MC with such delicate touch, so much tenderness and you can see the love pouring from his touch, his gaze, his words.

I once mentioned in another post that I totally understand Zayne's trauma with nightmares because there was a time I had them constantly too. There's actually another part of that story: back in the day I was so stressed that my blood pressure was always high. The very reason I had to be taken to the psychiatric hospital was because there wasn't another medical reason for my high levels of blood pressure than stress. I got my blood pressure checked for 10 days (or was it 15? I can't remember) in order to discard hypertension, I also got some medical tests done to discard if the problem was in my thyroid, blood tests to check my levels of cholesterol and tryglicerides, I even got an echocardiogram but according to every test, my body was... fine. There was no apparent reason as to why I was shaking like a wet dog against the cool wind in the backyard.

I knew I was anxious, stressed and basically on high alert all the time but somehow I came to normalize the dizzines, the shakiness of my body, the arrhythmias and feeling extra weak all the time. I'm not going to talk about the reasons that led me up to feel that way bc they're too personal and sensitive, the point is: I was so stressed that my body started to somatize my mental state.

It was there when I had to be given antidepressants and got diagnosed with depression, panic disorder and other stuff that I prefer to omit atm. I started to sleep more because of the medicine but it wasn't a good sleep bc it was there when the nightmares would always make me feel distressed and exhausted everytime I woke up. I also used to had arrhythmias when I went to sleep.

This is another thing I love about Zayne's nagging about sleeping early that I forgot to mention in my previous post: Sleeping properly not only helps your body to regain energy and start the process of reparation and regeneration of cells, but not sleeping properly can lead not only to mental health issues but also, heart issues. Zayne, being the cardiac surgeon he is, knows what's truly best for you.

If I'm honest, even after therapy, I haven't been able to heal all what's causing me to be stressed. My panic attacks have decreased greatly but not entirely and you know what's funny about Zayne and panic attacks? Out of the four LIs he's literally the best option to help out with them: not only is he a Doctor and knows how to act in emergencies while keeping a calm and collected attitude but his evol is the best ally in these cases. Back then, whenever my panic attacks would hit me, that shit about breathing never the fuck worked with me (and I'm telling you this with all the frustration I feel just to remember) because to be aware of my breath only made me feel like it was easier to lose control over it. So I had to be given a couple of ice cubes in a bag pressed over my neck and face in order to wake up my brain from the emotional distress it was putting me into. The sudden cold sensation not only helped me to wake up but was also comforting from all the sweat you get to produce in these attcks.

So yeah, I can picture Zayne seeing that when nothing is working, he could cool off his hands to the right temperature to help you wake up from the emotional distress. His touch not only gentle but comforting, making you remember that his hands are the safest place in the world and there's no danger.

Even to these days, whenever someone touches me all of sudden, I can't help but flinch and my heart beat rises automatically, I'm not lying when I say that even for the smallest things my blood pressure rises. Around two months ago, I had to go to the Doctor bc I got sick and the nurse had to ask a few personal things that got me anxious so quickly that once we were done, my heart was running wild in my chest. The next thing the nurse did was to check on my blood pressure and guess what? It was higher than it should be. Next thing she did was to do a quick test of my blood and it was all fine, so she brushed the blood pressure as me being sick.

When I had to start therapy, the hardest part was to talk about the things that were stressing me out. It suprised me how difficult was it for me to put them into words, because the first sessions, whenever I tried to start talking, my voice trembled and my heart beat would rise, the ability to breath leaving my body with each try. The psychiatrist had to literally drug me with xanax, then rivotril just for me to calm down and be able to fucking talk lol.

I suppose this is the reason that his latest PV got me a little too emotional: he's the one who offers his heart for you to listen, he's the one who tells you that his heart holds no secrets that can't be uncovered and softly asks you to be honest. I'm sure that the topics of the card are less serious that the things I've talked about here but the point still remains; in order for you to open up, he also puts himself in a somewhat vulnerable but sincere position, making you know you're both in equal terms. You put your heart on the table, he does it too. He holds you closer for you to listen his heart, his sincerity something so soft yet endearing that I just know I'd be able to say everything.

Most of the times, to talk about these topics with a few ppl has been quite frustrating. These are things I don't talk about with my family to a certain point and my friends don't have the emotional capacity to handle such things. I know I overwhelmed them and none of them knew what to say when the topic was lying there on the table, bare and ugly. The only friend that was able to offer some support was actually someone that went through a very similar situation than me.

This is not a complaint, in life I've come to understand that most people won't feel emphaty for you unless they truly understand the meassure of what you went through and most cases, it only happens if they have experienced it by themselves. Of course, this won't stop them from trying to be kind but they probably wouldn't realize that their words could hurt you instead of helping you. My friends aren't bad, they're just rough because life has made us like that, no one in this life has been taught how to help. We learn it by experience.

That's another thing that I love about Zayne, he literally exists to help. He made it his mission in life to help. If I were to ask emotional support from him, I know he would take it as it is: a place where one is allowed to be weak. No judgments, no assumptions, just a space to feel safe to breakdown. When MC opened up to him about losing her family and how that was the reason she was having an unhealthy lifestyle lately, instead of his normal nagging, he understood her and said how she had the right to do what she could to cope with her pain but just asked her to make sure not to get injured in the process. He didn't judge her, he gave her a space to acknowledge her pain and the way she was dealing with it, and they weren't even that close back then.

I've been learning to live with this heart of mine who gets scared so easily that it's kind of funny how I came to love this fictional character whose role is to be a cardiac surgeon xD When I started to play this game nobody told me that this Doctor would literally help me heal my heart. If my body flinches when someone touches me, to see the extra care and love he touches MC with makes me feel so many things. He's been broken too many times that of course he knows how to hold something with the utmost care.

I started to play around the end of February and I'm still surprised at how Zayne's writing has checked out all the boxes in my fragile spots. He's been so therapeutic for me, and it's just surprising (and a little bit sad) how he's helped me to heal what real men (and some women) have broken in me. He's the man that has helped me the most aside from my brothers and step father who only hurt me greatly the day he decided to leave this world. It's so funny how a fictional character has done all of this to me, how his reminders about eating and sleeping properly worked for me outside of the game and how he telling me to have more confidence also helped that now I even also have a better job, (I mentioned it in another posts, but for a couple of years my mental state made it difficult for me to get a job and the jobs I was able to get later were all informal and bad paid) but I also can't help thinking that he's a man written by women after all and I wonder if some ppl in his writing team had gone through difficult situations and crafted him out of the things that helped them to heal.

Women help women at the end. I wish Zayne's writing team a long and happy life. And I wish the same for the other LI's writing teams because I know just as Zayne has helped me and other girlies to get up and keep going forward, the other guys have done the same for their girlies ❤️‍🩹

Thank you, Zayne and your writing team for making my 2024 better than the previous years and helping me to start moving in life again ❤️‍🩹

[damthosefandoms]

clothes, shoes, diamond rings, stuff that's driving me insane

(ao3 link) (based on this post)

Summary:

Soda is allowing himself to be selfish, just this once. Just about this. Because they promised, okay?

The diamond’s burning a hole in his pocket.

Soda’s parents have been dead for all of thirteen days, and he doesn’t really feel like a person anymore. He’s had a smile plastered on his face, the same one he’s always got on when the going gets rough—he once grinned his way to the hospital after he fell off a horse and tore his ACL. He kept it going after Mickey Mouse got shipped off to that ranch out in Garyville. He smiles every morning even though he dreads nothing more than going to school.

Finally he’s found something he hates more than school, but he’s still got to keep smiling, because the alternative—the way Darry’s working himself to death or how Ponyboy hasn’t spoken to anyone since they got the news—doesn’t really seem like an option. Their parents wouldn’t want that, Soda thinks… but he’ll never get to ask them what they want ever again.

The hospital sent Darry home with whatever they could salvage from the wreck, when he went to identify them. He and Dally walked back into the house, and Darry ran to the bathroom to throw up—who could blame him, after that?—and Dally wordlessly handed the small package over to Soda.

Their mom’s purse, their dad’s wallet, the rings—the first thing Soda pulled out was his dad’s dogtags, from Korea, where he spent all of the year after Soda was born. He hung the chain around his neck, sat back on the couch, and cried. He doesn’t really remember much else, and hasn't taken them off since. He knows Ponyboy dug through the rest. He probably found the rings in there, Soda assumes, and put it all back in their parents’ room for Darry to pick through later on. At this point, he kind of wishes they’d been lost in the accident, because it would’ve saved him so much grief.

“Why’d you go?” Soda asks him today, as they’re standing out in the stable Buck Merrill keeps his rodeo horses in. His parents—and by extension, now Darry—never allow Soda to come out to Buck’s, not unless they’re going to pick up or drop off Dally, but again: Soda’s parents are dead, and who the hell is going to care? So now he’s spent every afternoon here, the only place he can think when he needs to be alone, while Darry’s distracted trying to do everything all at once, and Ponyboy chainsmokes on the front porch with Johnny.

“Go where?”

“To the hospital. With Darry.”

Dally doesn’t respond for a second. He hands Soda a brush and motions for him to get to work, if he’s going to hang around. The horses aren’t going to groom themselves, and he knows damn well that Soda needs it, in the moment.

“I don’t know, man. He sure as hell wasn’t gonna drive himself that night, was he?”

But Dallas Winston is more complicated than that, and Soda knows it. Dally—by his own admission, if he wasn’t making it up for street cred—has seen a dead body before, and there was one time—once, in the dead of night, in the first few weeks after Dally got back from New York and was sleeping off that whole horrible experience on Soda’s living room couch—where he told Soda about it. Lifeless eyes, and the smell, the cold hands… Soda had forgotten about his midnight snack in favor of forcing a hug on somebody who might’ve stabbed him for it, had he not been at his lowest point. Dally might not be the most mentally stable kid around, but Soda is sure he wouldn’t just willingly put himself through that kind of conversation again.

He has no idea why he even got to hear any of it. He and Dally probably wouldn’t even be friends if they didn’t share a love of horses, or for those times Soda would get so frustrated doing his homework he’d run all the way to the playground and sit on the swings until someone came to find him. Dally would always be there, leaning against the post as Soda swung back and forth, and they’d talk about everything and nothing until Soda’s mom would come marching through the park to them, and would tell—not ask—Dally to come home with them for dinner. And he would.

“You’ve got quite a mom. She knows the score.”

Soda knows that  if his parents had a say, Dally wouldn’t be living above a glorified bar at seventeen years old. They’d also probably not have gotten hit by that train, but you know, semantics.

“That’s a load of bull. You know exactly why you went.”

“Well, if you’re already so sure, don’t ask stupid questions you know the stupid answers to, Curtis.”

The horse he’s brushing lets out a contented whinny, and Soda treasures it. There is some good still left in the world, he tells himself. There are so many things worth keeping your head up for. Like horses, and brothers, even if they’re tearing you apart.  

“For what it’s worth, Dal, my mama really—”

“Why’re you here?” 

Straight to the point, then. Soda reaches into his pocket and pulls out his treasure.

“Shit, man, is that a real diamond?”

“It’s worth more than my whole house.”

And it is. His mom’s engagement ring is a family heirloom; Soda doesn’t know how far back it goes, but it’s been in his dad’s family for generations, and somewhere—very far—back, somebody must’ve had some money, because the stone on his mom’s engagement ring might not be very big, but it’s just as real as anything sitting collecting dust in a soc’s jewelry box. It’s the most precious thing their family owns. Soda closes his fist around the ring and holds it against his chest. It is worth more than his whole house. It’s worth everything… to him.

“My brothers want to bury her with it,” Soda says, trying not to let his voice shake. “They wanna put their rings back on them. But I can’t… they promised me I could have them, one day.  Not just this one, the wedding rings too, to use however I see fit. But they’re mine and I just can’t let them go like that. I don’t give a damn what Ponyboy or Darrel want, if there’s no Will… they’re mine.”

Soda’s dad proposed to his mother after a few months of dating. It kind of came with the territory of getting a girl knocked up at twenty years old, and they sure didn’t have any kind of dream wedding. His mother and father had a marriage license and a tiny ceremony at the church his father grew up going to, with Grandpa Pat and his dad’s brothers as the only witnesses.

His mom’s family wanted nothing to do with her after they found out she was pregnant. Darry’s never even met any of them, and he’s met basically everybody—partially because most of their extended family who stuck around died before Pony was even born, or at least before Soda can remember. Soda keeps wondering to himself these days if his mom’s family will come to the funeral, or if Darry’s wasting stamps on the invitations.

The wedding rings are cheap and probably not worth much at all, but Soda treasures them with his whole heart because he knows what they meant to his parents. 

His dad had come home from work on a bright sunny day in April, and Soda had never heard the word anniversary before, but it made his mama smile when his dad brought it up. He’d brought her flowers and a small box and Soda remembers Ponyboy—two and half years old at the time—was pulling at their mom’s skirt to try to get her attention, but she couldn’t take her eyes off their dad. How Dad had made a whole scene, getting down on one knee. Darry had rolled his eyes and said, “but you’re already married!” as if either of their parents cared.

It wasn’t about that. It was about the gesture. It was about the symbol of their love that they’d gone ten years without, and even if they didn’t need it, it was something they wanted anyway. They were being selfish, but they didn’t care.

In hindsight, Soda thinks that’s the first time he ever realized what true love looks like.

Today, his parents are sitting in a hospital morgue, or maybe a funeral home, or somewhere between—Darry knows the details and Sodapop’s too afraid to ask for specifics—and Soda’s got their rings in his pocket.

And Darry wants to take them from him. The last bit of their parents’ love, and he wants to bury that with their cold, dead bodies. It makes Soda sick.

“Why’d you come to me?” Dallas asks, and this time he’s looking directly at Soda, which is odd, because usually if Dally’s going to help you, he’s at least going to pretend he doesn’t want to. But these days, everyone seems to have lost their minds, so Soda figures it’s just the grief.

“Darry told me to quit bein’ a baby about it. So I am. You’re gonna hide ‘em for me,” Soda says, handing him the rings, “and then we’re gonna go get in a fight, and I’m gonna lie to my brothers.”

Dallas, ever true to himself, doesn’t blink an eye.

---

Soda can’t focus on much of anything, between the feeling of adrenaline coursing through his veins, the pounding feeling in his head from being punched right square in the eye, and Dally’s maniacal laughter as he slams the door behind them.

It’s not long before Ponyboy’s leaping up from the couch, crying out, “Who hit ya?!?” and Darry’s stomping through the doorway from the kitchen and demanding to know what the hell happened.

Dally regales Soda’s brothers (and the rest of the gang who seem to have all gathered under their roof just in time for dinner) with a tale that Soda’s sure is only partially accurate to how the rest of their day had gone since they left Buck’s.

It’s the first time any of them have gotten into any sort of trouble since the accident, and to his credit, Ponyboy seems only sort of shaken up at the sight of his brother’s bruised face. He grabs Soda’s hand and leads him into the kitchen, snatches a bag of frozen peas out of the good ol’ ice box and plants it against Soda’s eye. 

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” Ponyboy starts to mutter, but Soda ignores him. He doesn’t want to hear it. He has to focus all his energy right now into lying to Darry—the only person he’s never lied to before. Not even a little fib.

His older brother is his hero and his confidant, and it’s hard to look someone like that in the eye and say anything but the truth. Ponyboy, on the other hand, might be Soda’s closest friend and mean everything to him, but god—sometimes you have to lie to your little brother. You know, about things like Santa Claus, and how many girls you’ve kissed, and that he doesn’t look silly when he tucks his shirt in like that.

It’s for Pony’s own good, really. Besides, the kid backed Darry (something he never does!) on the one thing Soda’s wanted for himself since that horrible night, and it’s not fair they chose that moment to agree on something.

“Soda, I know what those rings mean to you, but I just feel like—”

“Do me a favor and can it, Pony.”

Maybe it’s cruel, and he knows that he’s the only reason Ponyboy’s been getting out of bed in the morning lately, but god, they’re still brothers and he’s still angry, and the guilt of being selfish about this is eating him alive. Sue him for snapping. Their parents are fucking dead. He’ll get it together some other time and spend the rest of his life trying to make up for the look on his little brother’s face now.

He hears Dally in the living room, getting to the part where he says they got jumped—and Soda pushes up from his seat at the kitchen table and calls out: “We didn’t get jumped, we got mugged.”

The whole gang is looking at him now, standing in the kitchen doorway, leaning against the door frame that all the Curtis kids have been measuring their heights on since Grandpa Pat was still in diapers. The whole gang’s marked on there now, too.

It’s not really something anyone talks about, because at the end of the day the result is just the same, but there’s a difference between getting jumped and being mugged. Getting jumped is greasers blowing off steam or socs having fun. Getting mugged is a real crime, somebody dangerous trying to hurt you and take away anything from your wallet to your dignity. It’s something you could actually go to the cops about, because if you word it right, they might even give half a shit. And today Soda’s using that phrasing to get his brothers to believe him. He feels like shit for it. But at least he’s feeling something other than grief.

He’s allowing himself to be selfish after all these years—and an especially hard past thirteen days— of existing solely for others.

“Dal’s just tryna hype me up,” Soda says, and he can feel Pony’s eyes searing into his skin from behind him. “Like he said, he was with me ‘cause I stopped at Buck’s to see the horses before we went to get the rings cleaned. This guy came up when we were walkin’ back, we got in a fight—but he had a heater and you don’t mess around with that.”

Soda has to sell this. He looks at Darry, at his older brother who has just told them a few days earlier how he’s going to sacrifice everything he’s ever worked towards, everything he’s ever held dear or dreamed of, to take care of Sodapop and Ponyboy so they can stay together, and his guilt overtakes him. Suddenly, the tears—familiar as they are—come easily. 

“The rings are gone, Dar.”

And Soda gets his way.

---

It doesn’t matter who the father is. Soda has known what true love looks like since he was five years old and his dad asked his mother to remarry him at home in their tiny kitchen while Darry complained they were being ridiculous and that he was going to be late for football practice. He knows how he feels about Sandy and he doesn’t really care what she did. But he knows what he needs to do to try to make things right.

And maybe that’s why he went to Buck’s that day, stomping right past the old cowboy and up to Dally’s room. Maybe that’s why he picked the lock—hanging out with Two-Bit Mathews kinda lends itself towards learning skills like that—and maybe that’s why Dally finds Soda there, when he should be behind the counter at the DX, tearing his friend’s room apart.

“Hey! You got a death wish or somethin’?” Dally yells, and Soda should probably care more, because he’s got a point—you’ve got to have officially lost it to go digging through Dallas Winston’s stuff.

“Where’re the rings?”

“What?”

“The rings, Dal, my parents’ rings, I need them.”

“You need ‘em.”

“Yeah,” Soda says. “I’m gonna marry Sandy.”

“Yeah, okay,” Dally laughs. “Marry her. You are nuts. What’re you doing that for? Don’t you got more to worry about right now?”

“Her parents are makin’ her move to Florida! I oughta make things right, maybe if I do, she’ll stay, you dig?” Soda crosses his arms as he tries to defend himself, and when he notices the look on Soda’s face, Dally’s laughter trails off, like something else has occurred to him.

“…No fuckin’ way, Sodapop Curtis, you did not.”

Dally’s got his signature shit-eating grin spreading across his face, and even with everything going on in the last week, he’s got the nerve to laugh.

“No, I didn’t, and don’t you start judgin’ me, Dallas, ‘cause it ain’t like you didn’t go back to your girl after she did the same damn thing, an’—and Sandy—she…”

Soda’s voice trails off when his eyes land on a navy-blue sweatshirt thrown over the back of Dally’s relatively-unused desk chair.

The sleeves are cut off, just like the tags.

The color drains from Soda’s face. He feels sick.

“You know where they are.”

“The rings? Yeah, yeah, they’re in—”

Soda snatches the sweatshirt off the chair—the one that used to be his, that Ponyboy wears everywhere now that it fits him better, the one that he was wearing on Friday night—and holds it up with two shaking hands.

“Ponyboy was here, wasn’t he? He— where is he, Dally?”

Dally doesn’t answer, just lights another cigarette, and Soda’s lip starts to tremble. His stomach twists. He can’t help it, and he’s been accused of faking it before, to get out of going to school, or because he didn’t want whatever was being made for dinner and he’s picky, or because of a million other reasons. It’s exhausting being the local crybaby when you genuinely can’t help it. When you’re a nearly seventeen-year-old boy and you shouldn’t ever shed a tear over anything but your body can’t seem to get the memo.

Crying is as cathartic for him as fighting is. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to stop, and the thing is, he’s so insanely jealous of people like Johnny Cade, who in all their years of knowing each other Soda’s only ever seen cry once—when those socs beat the living hell out of him—and Dallas, who makes the thought of it seem laughable. Real hard to break the kid who’s beyond broken.

“Don’t fuckin’—hey, Sodapop, don’t you fuckin’ cry, man.”

He tries. He sniffs. Dally groans and presses his palms into his eyes exasperatedly. Soda wipes at his face with his sleeve. 

“Can’t help it.”

“Would you just—ugh.” Dally looks around the room, and then walks over to the desk, ripping the drawer open and digging around for something. He throws whatever it is on the desk, and grabs Soda, shoving him into the chair. 

“Write him a letter, or some shit. I’ll make sure it gets to him, but I’m only doin’ this once, so make it count, man. I’ll go find those rings for you so you can get the hell out.”

Dally turns on his heel and walks out, and Soda hears him mutter something along the lines of “fuckin’ Crybaby Curtis over here” as he walks out.

Soda reaches for the pen with his right hand, puts it on the paper and prints his brother’s name in shaky chicken scratch. He sniffs again and bites back some tears, switching the pen to his left and getting comfortable. 

Well, I guess you got into some trouble, huh?

Dally comes back twenty minutes later and asks if Soda can read his own handwriting.

Doesn’t matter, because he knows Ponyboy can figure it out, backwards letters and all.

Soda heads back home, fidgeting with his parents’ rings in his coat pocket. He daydreams about proposing to Sandy, twirling her around with the sun shining through the kitchen window. She’s supposed to look like an angel. She’s supposed to look like there’s nothing else in the world but the two of them. But in his mind she doesn’t, she won’t meet his eyes, and the kids at the dinner table laughing at them don’t look anything like him.

---

The holidays are coming up. It doesn’t feel like it, not with so many people missing from their lives.

Soda kicks off his sneakers by the door, takes in the sight of his poor little brother, laying back on the couch with cartoons blaring on the television set. Soda figures it could be worse; this time a month ago, he was still in a borderline catatonic state over what happened to their friends, and now he’s got his sketchbook back out. Soda pretends he can’t see the extra attention Pony’s paying to the shape of Johnny’s big, dark eyes and hangs his coat up.

He slips into the kitchen and expects dinner to be getting cold already, since Darry’s getting out early these days due to the weather and lack of light, but instead there’s nothing in there but Darry with his head down on the table.

“You feelin’ alright?” Soda asks, and he goes to feel Darry’s forehead, but his brother just lifts his head, and shakes it.

“I wish Santa Claus was real,” Darry mumbles, and Soda tries to feel his forehead again, ‘cause that’s quite a statement for the almost twenty-one-year-old, and Darry bats his hand away.

“You know what I really wish, Soda? I wish we still had Mom and Dad’s rings. Especially Mom’s engagement ring.”

Soda hopes he doesn’t look as green as he feels.

“You’re the one who wanted to bury them,” he mutters, and he hopes Darry doesn’t see him swallow.

“An’ now I think you had the right idea. I mean, glory, selling that diamond alone could go a long way.” Darry laughs humorlessly. 

“I ain’t got a clue how in the hell I’m supposed to get y’all presents this year. We got the hospital bill today, you know. From when Pony got sick after Windrixville, and… I think I can get help from the state for some of it, but it’s cutting it close, Soda. Ain’t gonna be no spending money, even with you helpin’ out. I mean, it’s gonna be so close—with the electric bill, the hot water—”

Soda thinks about the rings, sitting buried in an old shoebox underneath his bed, in his old room just down the hall. He thinks about how horrible he felt last January, looking Darry in the eyes and lying to him, saying he lost part of their parents forever. How that diamond ring, their only real family heirloom, burned a hole in his pocket as he asked Dally to help him keep it safe where his brothers couldn’t take it from him, because you couldn’t trust Dallas Winston for little things but he was always, always good for his word when it came to something that mattered.

Soda’s given everything to his brothers this last year, and maybe he’s given all of himself to everyone his whole life, but today—today he’s still going to be selfish, because he deserves it, just for this one thing.

“The holidays ain’t really about presents, Darrel,” he says, sitting down and putting a hand on his brother's shoulder. 

“We oughta just be glad we have each other, ‘cause god knows we don’t have much of anything else.”

Except their parents’ rings. But he’ll spend the rest of his life trying to convince himself he deserves this. Even if it makes him sick.

Because his parents loved each other, and they loved him, and they promised.

[doberbutts]

weird question, but is there a reason why humans with rabies don't become as mindlessly aggressive as animals with rabies? like, how come people with rabies aren't running around biting everyone?

If I'd hazard a guess, it probably cooks us before we progress that far. Additionally, it also likely has something to do with natural instinct- humans with rabies while they are still able to talk report feeling intense fear and pain while experiencing hallucinations.

Most humans actively don't want to hurt other people- I have a schizophrenic aunt and even in her worst delusions and hallucinations where she may be screaming threats, she's never actually followed through on any of them because she genuinely doesn't want to hurt anyone when she's capable of processing situations logically. Similarly, I have a friend-of-a-friend who is also severely mentally ill, and the only times he's ever hurt someone are when he gets grabbed while he's hallucinating that someone is trying to hurt him. Those he's lashed out at in this state get shoved or kicked or punched before he continues to try to get away from them (they also forgive him immediately because they are his caretakers and understand his mental state very well).

When we started using tools as a species, we also stopped reaching for "biting you" as a defensive response unless there is truly no other choice. Even in the grips of intense fear and panic and pain and delusion and hallucination and paranoia, humans are more likely to choose literally any other option than teeth unless that's their last line of defense. We probably did bite each other back when we were no different than our great ape cousins.

More or less, I'm not entirely convinced that rabies sends signals for "bite" specifically, and is more sending signals for "attack", and humans don't really reach for "bite" when attacking as a general rule unlike other animals. Humans who are restrained in their hospital beds are significantly more likely to bite their caregivers- shoving, kicking, and punching are out of the question when you're tied down. That is true regardless of if they have rabies or not.

Additionally, the virus seems to only progress so far before it stagnates at a specific stage in certain animals. Bats are significantly more likely to have "dumb rabies" than "furious rabies". This could be due to a number of things ranging from "dumb rabies makes them incapable of flight and fucks up their sonar [true!] and so they starve to death before symptoms can progress past that [theory!] since they have fast metabolisms and missing even a single night's meal is devastating to their health [true!]" to "bats show some resistance to rabies as a whole [true!] and thus it may take much longer for symptoms to progress in the usual manner and so the bat generally dies before it can go any further [theory!]" Bats CAN progress to the furious stage, but we don't tend to see it as often.

There has never been a recorded instance of rabies passing from human to human so my money's on a combo of the two theories. It's very possible that Grug The Caveman got rabies from the wolves he was trying to tame and then wiped out his entire society by zombie-biting the fuck out of everyone who tried to help him. But we weren't writing things down at that point, so we have no way of knowing.

Rabies' first documentation is 4000 years ago- but it's very possible it existed before that, since the writing just states that the owner of a rabid dog needs to take provisions against it biting anyone, meaning we knew by then what rabies was and that the bite was dangerous. It's very possible this disease has followed us around since before humans harnessed fire and invented the wheel. That's a decent amount of un-accounted-for time for humans to have hulked out and started zombie-biting.

We have so many folkstory monsters in nearly every culture on the planet that boil down to "had contact with an animal that was acting strangly, turned me into a savage monster that tries to kill everything I see less than a month later, btw my monster disease is super contagious and I spread it by biting the fuck out of you" that predate any modern science knowledge of how the virus works, which makes me think that it probably did happen back in the caveman days and it's ancestrial memory that has us clinging to these concepts to this day.

[wovenstarlight]

and another rant i have built up over jinjae is their everything around food. the first instance i can remember is the courtesy chocolates SHJ brings HYJ after the Babar dungeon, when he's in the hospital (chapters 80/81), which he says is for HYJ due to the stress he must be feeling over HYH. and then immediately kills any goodwill in the very next sentence by going Wowww you're so useful and i'd love to acquire you etc etc. HYJ's not even the one who accepts them from SHJ, that's BYR, and later HYJ says he only eats them because he has nothing better to do (no other option than SHJ, huh...) and even then the Dokkaebi ends up eating half the box. gift that's barely accepted.

the next instance i can think of is post-human trafficking auction in chapter 127 where SHJ makes him eggs, but. well. literally as he's cooking they have this exchange:

(this got so fucking long i had to put it under a cut. takes your hand come with me on this journey)

[SHJ] “I’d like for you to stay unharmed until I grow bored. Mentally, I mean.” [HYJ] “And my body doesn’t matter?” [SHJ] “If your bulk decreases, you’ll be easier to carry around.”

so "i'm making food for you" but also "i don't care if your health deteriorates and/or you lose weight, as long as you're useful". an interesting combination of messages to send, given that HYJ's also struggling in this scene to figure out what SHJ wants from him, what with seemingly looking out for him and his loved ones by lending Sillekia to BYR for fighting HYH, but also still continuing with this "my item" shit and only looking at him for his usefulness. but this instance IS notable in that it's the first time SHJ cooks for HYJ. a slight turning point in their relationship...?

it does seem so cuz after that... HYJ becoming sick of orange- and apple-flavored mana potions because he chugs them so often, and SHJ responding to this in chapter 185 (birthday arc, before HYJ admitted he stole his memories) by acquiring swiss chocolate-flavored mana potions for him. already he's started with the little treats.

and then. sorry i'm feeling the 216 feelings. 1 minute. Okay normal. and then. yes once again it's chapter 216, when SHJ first starts making readably genuine attempts at kindness towards HYJ, starting the entire interaction by making him a drink that "looked like it was just juice, but it was actually sweet. Tasty." normal behavior from SHJ to rent out the entire rooftop pool and bar to show off his bartending skills to HYJ btw.

then the VR dungeon arc, where SHJ can't see HYJ until he installs the first disc, but the moment he does he starts being absolutely unbearable, the relevant part being when HYJ's reached Achates and is stressed out over HYH's treatment to the point of losing his appetite, at which point SHJ sends him the "Must Eat Well" quest to coax him into eating, rewarding him with chocolate-flavored mana potions, which HYJ himself admits remind him of SHJ:

‘But why are they chocolate-flavored?’ It made me think of that person. It had tasted good.

we're told in chapter 249 that SHJ needs to expend tremendous effort to give HYJ quest rewards and that whatever he gives usually gets cut down (he's talking about point conversions there but i suspect it applies to other rewards as well). so to specifically seek out two potions, especially ones he knows HYJ will prefer more than the common fruit-flavored ones... [puts on my large jinjae-shaped sunglasses like that shit they sell for new years]

and ok i jumped ahead to 249 for the rewards thing but come back to 245 with me and look at that series of cooking quests SHJ sent HYJ to guide him through cooking dinner for himself and HYH. copying over my discord messages from when this chapter dropped for this part of the analysis:

ALSO SPEAKING OF SHJ that chain of quests at the end. he is driving me crazy but yes the cooking quests. like. okay. I mentioned before [...] that I considered this a jinjae scene chapter because. the layers of it all right. he sees hyj wants to cook for his brother but can't decide what to make/how to make it cuz the decision paralysis is hitting after the longass day he's had. so he goes ahead and picks a meal and gives him step by step instructions. overly specific so hyj doesn't hit some dumb roadblock like "idk where the spatula is" and lose it for real. it took multiple quests to give the instructions it might've been easier to give him a prepared meal from whatever store he's picking these rewards from but he spent that time anyway because I'm pretty sure going through the process soothed hyj. normality after the Everything of it all. and then at the end of it because he Knows hyj is prone to not eating when he gets stressed he baits him into eating with rewards. like. Bro. Bro like. OUGH. he cares. he cares.... AND ALSO THAT LAST FUCKING QUEST "made with a spoonful of your partner's love" IS NOT SOMETHING THE SYSTEM WOULD SAY SHJ I KNOW YOURE LEANING INTO "OH NO THE SYSTEMS ALTERING MY MESSAGES DW" AND LETTING YOUR FEELINGS SHOW. YOUR PAPER THIN MASK overemotional over cooking. god. god and even after the cooking thing knowing that hyj would freak upon waking up and not seeing hyh and so keeping an eye on hyh and sending him a quest to tell him where he is.... like fuck dude. FUCK!

ok that's enough of that excerpt this is starting to derail from food analysis. wait hold on actually 249's point about the cost of sending quests and rewards makes the cooking quest series even more impactful because how much did SHJ spend to go to that level of detail and care for HYJ!!!

anyway back to food analysis. 256 where HYJ dies to the inscription process and SHJ purposely serves him bitter tea and sweet cookies to point out that he shouldn't take rewards that come at great costs. SHJ you really love communicating things to people through food, huh? but the fact that the second he's understood SHJ takes away the bitter tea and replaces it with something less bitter and more savory. the fact that when the scout finds him, the last thing SHJ does, even after draping his coat over HYJ to protect him from the shards of falling sky, is refill his teacup. the fact that HYJ drinks it and thinks about how it's warm.

GOD!!! do you see my vision. do you see. SHJ and HYJ and cooking and eating as an act of caring. an act of love.

[ginnysgraffiti]

blood, violence, cannibalism, stalking.

&. LEE x yn.

"LEE, WE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THIS!" you yelled at the top of your lungs, pissed off as blood dripped from his mouth and his hand shook from anger on the steering wheel.

"I KNOW, BUT I WAS HUNGRY! NO ONE WILL NOTICE, WHY ARE YOU WORRYING SO MUCH ALL OF A SUDDEN?!"

"HE HAD A FAMILY! HIS HOUSE IS OVER THERE, HIS FAMILY WILL SEE THE CAR SOON!"

"I ALREADY TOLD YOU I CLEANED IT!"

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT-"

you couldn't stand him anymore.

you weren't an eater but his needs and urges were now everyday things for you, and you were sick of fearing that you'd end up behind bars every single time.

lee's bloody hand was still maneuvering the steering wheel when you opened the door and jumped out. you were in the middle of the countryside, but the streetlights still allowed you a view.

"hey- what are you-" he complained.

"leave, go away and leave me here, i'm tired of you!"

lee's eyes pierced your skin like cold needles, and for a moment you thought he was going to jump on you or run you over.

finally he left you there, and you heard the engine go wild as he drove away in the stolen pickup.

now there was only you and nature, if things were bad you would have asked for a ride to your house.

you walked under the dim light and the buzz of the street lamps, there were two or three houses lit up even though it was late in the evening. you didn't bother knocking, you wanted to stretch your legs for a bit.

you could still smell the acrid smell of lee's vehicle in your nostrils when you noticed that a still figure had been contemplating you for quite some time while your mind was elsewhere.

you approached carefully, but you stopped when you noticed some wrinkles illuminated by the street lamp.

you got a little closer, albeit at a safe distance, and recognized the strange man who had been chasing you around supermarkets or inhabited neighborhoods for weeks.

it was creepy, really, but you didn't tell lee.

you didn't want him to worry about something so small.

but maybe, just maybe, it was better if you did.

now you were the one staring at him, and you stared at his strange gray braid falling over his shoulders and his strange scout or fisherman uniform.

"long time no see, mademoiselle."

a smile moved his wrinkles, and you held back a retch.

"who are you...? why have you been following me?"

"haha, you're smart. it's that old sully just wanted to make friends. he feels so alone..."

why does he talk about himself as another person?

that guy needed to be taken to the mental hospital.

"i can give you a lift, you know. i saw that you and your lovebird argued, what a shame..."

"how long have you been stalking me?"

"no, don't treat old sully badly. i'm just protecting you, that's all."

now there were two options: run away...or run away.

you took a step back and felt the gravel slide against your sole, the old man raised a thick eyebrow and in an instant he was on you.

the view was foggy and the world spun around you like a top when your feet left the ground. the next moment he slammed the back of your head against the wall and the dull thud echoed in your head.

he had already restrained your wrists, and if you kicked or screamed it would be worse. he took his time to smell and imprint your scent into his nostrils, you closed your eyes until it hurt.

you understood.

you could already feel his sharp canines imprinting on the cool flesh of your neck and it made you sweat terribly.

a strong smell of mold and musk trapped you whole.

you tightened your fingers around the fabric of his uniform until you could see your hands shaking, but suddenly his teeth moved away and fell with him.

"DIE, BASTARD!!!"

lee was behind him with an iron pipe, the old man was reduced to a puddle of blood in front of your feet. you avoided touching it as if it was lava.

your boyfriend was still as dirty as before, shirtless and looking like a butcher, but now he was scratching his head with a strong itch and you held back a laugh.

"am i too late? did he hurt you?"

his eyes traveled over you frantically, as if to see if you were still in one piece.

"don't worry...i'm o-"

"i'm so fucking sorry about our argument...i should have listened and been more careful, sorry, i-..." his voice caught in his throat.

"shhh...i'm glad you're here."

your lips rested on his, you could feel the blood from his previous hunt running down your throat with a strong iron taste.

he didn't notice and pushed you against the wall, seeking your lips as his lifeline.

his fingers were quickly stroking your hair, now your shoulders and following your hips.

"i love you, i love you, i love you..."

the words slipped out of his mouth like his most precious mantra. you were so glad he had saved you...

luckily, his cannibal sixth sense never failed.

[creepy-friday]

Ok ok

Hear me out

👀

Imagine if the Proxies were in any type of relationship with Y/N, and Y/N isn't a proxy or maid or anything.

And Y/N got pregnant 💀

Brownie points if the baby is a girl-.

Notes: the reader is in an established relationship with them,and kept the pregnancy a secret until the only option was for the baby to be born

Warnings: pregnancy mentions,yandere tendencies in Brian's part,mental illness in Toby's and misogyny in Tim's

Special thanks to @spookyravioli for the inspiration♡

"Oh.Oh." Toby's first reaction is shock and slowly the feeling of dread would start to overcome him

He never imagined himself as a lover,let alone the tought of becoming a parent.Toughts of his own father started to beat him up,and insecurity spread trough him like a disease

He needs A LOT of reassurance in order for him to not break down.During the pregnancy he would be very supportive partner and would try to keep you as happy as possible

He bought a shit ton of books,from parenthood guide books to kids ones that he would often read to calm down

When the daughter was born,multiple thoughts entered his brain."I'm a father now." sounds both bittersweet and scary to him

This was the time when he started to take medicine for his outbursts,not only for him,but for both yourself and the baby's sake

As much as he wanted to not traumatize his daughter,he couldn't help but make her be constantly on edge

She wasn't afraid of him,but rather wary,slowly understanding that her father wasn't always in the right place

Despite his early efforts,I can see as the daughter grows up she would start to resent him from all the things that he hides away from her to the way he seems off putting

Because Toby's workplace is a demanding one,I can see him completely giving up on meds and having angry withdrawals because of it

That's why it will be up to the daughter to either sugarcoat the way her father is or to step up and overgrow him

Surprisingly,Masky's first tought isn't to go buy milk.Instead,he takes his time to reason with you and to list all the complication the baby will come with

He tries to be a good lover to you,he really doesn't want the of risk losing you because of his shitty moods,that's why he genuinely tries to not stress you out during the pregnancy

Tim will take care of anything you need,even if he would mutter something under his breath,all he does is for you.In his mind,if he loses you he will lose himself as well,that's why he's so eager to please you

After getting into a verbal fight with half of the hospital personnel,he almost lost his mind when he heard that he was having a daughter

He grew up distant for a while,and was passive aggressive while taking care of the baby,as if her whole existence's worth is based off her gender

After he became warmer to you he became colder to the daughter as time flew by and she grew older

"It's because you're a girl" ; "This isn't a girl's job" ; "Are you really going to wear that?Unfit for a girl"

I can see the daughter growing up to break down her father's stereotypes,but at the same time battling with his inner demons

She might have addiction problems and become obsessive over subjects she can have control over

If the mother doesn't do anything about it,I can see the daughter having a history with battling the same type of mental illness her father had

Brian knew all along about your pregnancy,and secretly enjoyed the tought of something or someone to keep both of you forever together

After all,the baby is the living proof of your love,that's what he believes

He made sure you're kept safe and get the best health care from other women doctors/nurses,he doesn't trust male personnel

Brian was an implicated parent,altough he heavily wanted as little communication as possible from you and the outside world

From the time the daughter became a toddler,he started to grow those sick ideas into her little head about how ugly society is

As time flew by,he already convinced her that all men are beasts,and that the only safe resort she has are her parents

He not only made both yourself and your daughter paranoid,but made sure that the others would avoid interacting with both of you by saying things like "oh,my wife became mentally ill because of pregnancy complications..please do not stress her out"

If the daughter grows suspicious about her father's occupation,she would keep it a secret from her panicked mother and would try to figure it out herself,all while trying not to give Brian any clue about it

Brian genuinely thinks he made a safe space for his family,and without the reader's reasoning I can see both the reader and her daughter having a limited life inside the cabin and the forest

[foxglovepng]

Hello, first time requesting anything and I hope I do this right. I like what you've posted previously and I hope you enjoy this request idea.

I saw screenshots of a post recently about a TWST x Tinkerbell/Pirate Fairy event where shenanigans happens and everyone's UM's are switch around.

But what if Yuu got someone else's UM? Would they go power mad? OB by accident because they couldn't control the amount of magic? Just chill until the fairies corrected the switch? How would the owner of the UM deal with Yuu handling their power feel? And how would they feel about being magicless for the time being?

Suggested students are Grim, Azul, Jamil, Vil and Deuce, or anyone else you would prefer, all of them are fun options.

Hope you are doing well 💜

Characters: Idia, Azul, Jamil, Vil, Deuce, Jade, Malleus.

CW: Swearing, Probably an OOC Vil, Azul has a mental breakdown, Idia freaks out. SPOILERS FOR BOOK 6 (Idia), SPOILERS FOR BOOK 7 (Malleus), Probably OOC most characters tbh.

A/N: I heavily loved this movie as a child and I still love it and watch it on occasion. I know this movie so well I can predict the dialogue :sob: I switched out Grim for Idia because I believe there is a mention that Grim had a curse in Book 6 (correct me if I am wrong) But it was while Idia was discussing some possible theories about the Overblots. Because I loved this movie so much and I am watching it as a I write I will be yapping...a lot. Like just yap yap yap yap and I will be making more parts to this because I have a lot of Ideas. I also added Malleus because he is the only one in Diasmonia with a confirmed/offical UM.

I will also be calling you the Fairy 🧚anon <3

Feel free to let me know which fairy(ies) are your favorite. I love Vidia and Fawn.

W/C: Didn't check Fox yaps a lot (2.540k, 7 pages)

NOT PROOFREAD

For context there will be a Mage like Zarina who was obviously an outcast and who was very innovative and wanted to discover new things (Such as the Fairy Dust) The way I imagine it the mage probably wanted to do things that were considered "Illegal" for Mage magic the NRC students ran into this person and they used their UM to switch the powers of students.

(Character's relationships can be read as platonic or romantic)

Deuce (Bet the Limit)

He is not worried. Although he'd be more concerned about Yuu accidentally using it mid class and hurting someone. His UM is mainly dependent on others attacks so I don't think there would be an issue about hurting someone deeply to the point of hospitalization.

He is worried about the fact he can't use magic anymore. He used his flaunt his magic a lot in middle school now he's not no power (Karma really came back for him didn't it)

If Yuu casually happens to get his ability to summon cauldrons it would be hilarious if Yuu dropped a cauldron "Accidentally" On Ace or Crowley's head. He'd feel bad, but It'd be funny.

(Insert video of Ace getting bashed in the head with a Cauldron but it's bad apple.)

He'd eventually adapt to losing his magic, but he does want to try and get it fixed.

He will help Yuu as much as he can with controlling his magic. If they have any questions he will gladly answer them and help to the best of his ability.

Yuu is least likely to go power mad due to Deuce's UM being low on the list for Powers that will make Yuu go bat-shit insane and commit world domination. (Yes I have an actual list)

When Yuu Overblots

He would probably cry like genuinely.

Yuu has gone through enough in TWST and when they finally snap he would be extremely worried for Yuu because he is scared they will get hurt badly/hurt others badly.

Deuce's UM is actually scary so when it comes to overblotting Yuu could hurt A LOT of people.

Riddle's UM won't be able to help and Yuu could just basically absorb every attack that hits them.

Yuu could probably kill someone with his power and that is a really scary though to think about.

(Deuce can too since it is quite his power)

On a skill level there is a possibility Yuu could lose control of the magic, on a power level they could injure a lot of people. Either way Yuu and other people will be getting hurt.

If they somehow stop Yuu's overblot GET THEM THERAPY INSTANTLY make Leona or someone else rich pay for it.

Deuce would look like a sad puppy because he just witnessed his friend he deeply cares about just snap. Probably wouldn't leave Yuu's side while they recover.

He probably feels the most guilty as he couldn't do anything and wished he could have helped more.

Peep Grim crying about his henchman.

If Yuu DOES kill someone um mage jail? or how would that work since they aren't from TWST would they like be in custody in their own world???? because quite literally they have no information on Yuu to send them to Mage Jail.

I'm done yapping moving on

Azul (It's a Deal)

Instant panic attack instantly.

Considering his backstory and why he is becoming a Mage he would definitely freak out over not having his powers. Bro needs his octopot.

When he learns it was Yuu who got his powers he would feel a bit more relieved

"Yuu can I have my powers back? just make a deal with me."

"HOW TF DO I DO THAT????"

Jade and Floyd are laughing their asses off when he tries to teach you how magic works. They are not going to do anything to help AT ALL.

Azul does NOT feel happy about being powerless at ALL. He has a business to keep running and Yuu is struggling.

I can imagine Yuu accidentally making a contract and stealing someone else's power and then having to keep THAT ONE under control.

Overall I feel like Azul makes top 5 of "Yuu will have a panic attack from being unable to control this power"

Azul would probably adjust to the change but he would not be happy with it at all.

There is a possibility Yuu could go power mad, but Azul is based on capitalism Yuu is not. They would probably only go power mad as a way for threatening/bargaining to go home.

When Yuu Overblots

Pray Yuu has the power under control

Azul's Overblot 2.0 except no tentacles

Azul tries to help the best he can and then gets blasted with magic right in the face. (L bozo)

When Yuu just snaps Azul wishes he could of down more, but he realizes he only was helping Yuu for himself. Not for them. They had to deal a lot and he probably was the one that broke the camels back for them to overblot.

On a skill level and Power level it would probably be the same as Azul's however Yuu has less control over the power.

Yuu is getting back for when he overblotted. /hj

When Yuu unoverblots Azul gives them an apology and also starts the process for them to see a therapist. Probably get's an earful from Deuce and Ace about pushing Yuu over the edge.

Jade (Shock The Heart)

Is not worried.

He doesn't need magic to intimidate people although he needs magic to obtain information.

"Oya? it appears the prefect has my power."

You know how Azul and Deuce would help? He wouldn't

When it comes to Jade's power it can easily be exploited to gain all kinds of information from someone and in the wrong hand's world domination can be caused.

Yuu gets help anyway from Tweedle Dee and Dum over at Heartslabyul.

Yuu would accidentally use Jade's power on people and would probably gain information they wouldn't want to know and probably has gotten traumatized.

Begs Jade to take his power back and he just giggles at Yuu. He is fine with not using Magic, but it is funny to see Yuu attempt to use his magic.

He's enjoying you struggle. However if it gets to a certain point he may help keyword may.

When Yuu overblots

No one is worried lmao.

I mean overblotting is bad, but Jade's power is like so??? normal?? that an overblot would be dangerous, but his conditions are it can only be used once so if Yuu acivates it they probably wouldn't be able to use it again.

hopefully..

If not they are royally fucked tbh.

Jade can't do anything at all and probably will get grilled later for not helping Yuu.

When they unoverblot Yuu Jade is the first one to get them to the infirmary carrying them bridal style (slay king) and making sure they recieve proper treatment. Also apologises for not helping them learn as he was worried they would go power mad.

Jamil (Snake Whisperer)

He is flipping out.

Number 1. Yuu just got this power and barely can control it IMAGINE WHAT COULD HAPPEN.

(Manipulate Crowley into sending them home)

Number 2. Jamil needs his magic and as Kalims retainer he needs it more than Yuu :sob:

Jamil is already stressed out with wrangling Kalim 24/7 now he has this on his hands. Bro just might overblot from stress.

Either way he helps Yuu with gaining control because Yuu almost made Ace choke on his food from accidentally using the UM. And almost made Jack run into a tree (It was funny actually)

We all know how Jamil's overblot turned out someone call up the Octotrio to deal with this again.

There is a possibility Yuu could go power mad. However Yuu is a sweetheart (possibly) and wouldn't control their friends.. right?

Jamil physically can't adjust to being magicless and tries to literally hunt the person down but fails miserably.

When Yuu overblots

I dare Yuu to throw everyone who's fighting so Jamil can get yeeted too (I'd be funny I swear)

Jamil overblot 2.0 except Yuu loses control and accidentally brainwashes everyone. whoops

Jamil got his Karma from brainwashing the whole dorm

Wait if he can brainwash the whole dorm could he brainwash all of NRC? 😨

When Yuu snaps Yuu is coming for everyone INCLUDING CROWLEY his ass is not getting saved.

I pray for everyone who is fighting Yuu. Compared to Deuce's though I'd rather get brainwashed tbh.

If Yuu somehow manages to get pulled out Kalim is making sure everyone who was affected is okay and Jamil is rushing Yuu to the infirmary. When Yuu snaps it would be dreadful tbh and I don't think people would make it out of this OB with Yuu unless they physically got hurt to the point of unconsciousness, or Malleus was like "No don't overblot you're too sexy aha".

Jamil also apologizes for not being able to do enough and makes sure Yuu sees a therapist.

Snake whisperer overblot Yuu and Bet the Limit overblot Yuu are genuinely scary and I'm terrified.

Vil (Fairest One of All)

Instant panic

Vil's UM is so powerful that when a curse is placed with conditions it cannot be lifted even with Vil's interference unless the conditions are met.

Imagine Yuu with that power. Crowley suddenly has a way for Yuu to get home.

Vil would be more concerned with his potato having a power they CANNOT control. Yuu will be accidentally placing curses on people.

Ace would suddenly get paralyzed from the neck down and Yuu didn't know how they did it.

Yuu accidentally paralyzing people is crazy.

Vil helps Yuu try to gain control of the power but has a really hard time.

This is another one where if Yuu were to overblot it would be because they accidentally use the UM too much and are stressed because of it.

Vil doesn't mind being magicless however do NOT let his father figure that out he might force Vil out of NRC into modeling.

When Yuu overblots

Uncontrolled curse magic with a stressed-out overblotting Yuu. Yeah this is up there with Bet the limit and Snake Whisperer.

Someone is probably dying.

Vil almost killed Neige for gods sake imagine what YUU COULD DO.

Vil tried to curse Yuu mid overblot but forgot he couldn't use magic.

Vil is actively sending Rook after the mage who switched powers. Vil wants his potato back.

If Yuu manages to snap out of an OB Vil is also the one making sure Yuu gets treatment. He will also pay for their therapy and treatments.

When Vil gets his hand on the mage she will not be existing anymore /hj

!!!SPOILERS FOR IDIA AND MALLEUS BELOW SPOILERS I REPEAT SPOILERS I SAID SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS!!!

You have been warned

Idia (Game, Set, Match)

Every time I say Yuu is terrifying with a certain OB It gets worse. (I should make a list tbh)

Idia is freaking the hell out. Probably has a panic attack but we aren't there yet.

Idia's UM literally control the gates to the underworld and basically keeps the blot monsters in and if Yuu accidentally opens that.

I pray for everyone's safety.

Idia has probably headed a warning about this and is actively hunting down the mage. Ortho is helping too.

This is one of those where I say Yuu should not have it because with one wrong move and hundreds if not thousands of people could get hurt.

Idia is panicking Yuu is panicking Ortho is trying to calm them down.

Yuu most likely overblots because Idia is freaking them out, and they don't want to open the gates to hell.

I wonder if one of his parents could also open and close the gate with their magic that will literally help.

When Yuu overblots

Run everyone the gates of hell opened again.

If I had a nickel for every time someone overblotted and opened the gates of hell I'd have two nickels. It's not a lot of nickels, but it is weird that it happened twice.

Idia is making sure the literal gates of hell did NOT open, and surely enough they did.

Crowley is probably getting sued

In Theory the battle could be easy however when it comes to the UM someone tell Yuu to close the gates.

Blot monster domination 2.0

Ortho manages to hunt the mage down, but only until after the overblot is over and the gates have opened.

Idia completely forgot about Yuu's condition so when they switched powers he was more focused on closing the gate. He got grilled for that by Ace and Deuce who carried Yuu to the nurses.

I feel like this one is scary but more in the sense that Yuu has the power to the hell world.

Malleus (Fae of Maleficence)

Do I even need to say how bad this would be?

I know damn well most of Diasmonia is tweaking that Waka Sama just lost his power.

When Malleus learns it's Yuu he's more worried about them being stressed out over this and tries to help them the best way he could and even gets Lilia in on it.

Malleus is one of the top 5 mages in the world Yuu is probably one panic attack away from overblotting and putting everyone's ass to sleep.

Malleus is also concerned about the possibility of an overblot so he is definitely trying to keep them from overblotting. Whatever his child of man needs he will snap his fingers and it's done.

Yuu wants a massage? Malleus will arrange that. Yuu needs food he will buy Yuu some. Yuu wants ice cream? He wants some too. Yuu wants a fucking break? He will threaten Crowley for one.

He understands the power that was given to Yuu is a lot handle and will accommodate his Child of man (They are getting married after this)

He is also sending Silver and Sebek after the mage and the mage may or may not be existing after he finds her.

When Yuu overblots

As of 2/26/24 not all of Diasmonia has been updated/finished so I have no information as to how it will end/ how his overblot will go. But let's just imagine it.

Malleus fell into a dream world where he got to be happy with his Child of Man. He is King, he has children, and he's with his Child of Man happily. :SOBBING:

When he get pulled out from the dream he's like why :( probably all pouty since it was a good dream. And then remembers Yuu overblotted and is like no my child of man.

He is the first one to instantly get Yuu help bro can't teleport, but he can run and if he can still turn into a dragon he can fly.

He apologizes to Yuu even though he did all he could he still feel like he could have done more. He gets Yuu all of the treatments they need instantly and when the mage switches back their powers she is deader than his Mom.

[ginnyluvstimmy]

sixth sense (lee x f.reader)

( where you and lee have an argument )

"LEE, WE ALREADY TALKED ABOUT THIS!" You yelled at the top of your lungs, pissed off as blood dripped from his mouth and his hand shook from anger on the steering wheel.

"I KNOW, BUT I WAS HUNGRY! NO ONE WILL NOTICE, WHY ARE YOU WORRYING SO MUCH ALL OF A SUDDEN?!"

"HE HAD A FAMILY! HIS HOUSE IS OVER THERE, HIS FAMILY WILL SEE THE CAR SOON!"

"I ALREADY TOLD YOU I CLEANED IT!"

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT-"

You couldn't stand him anymore.

You weren't an eater but his needs and urges were now everyday things for you, and you were sick of fearing that you'd end up behind bars every single time.

Lee's bloody hand was still maneuvering the steering wheel when you opened the door and jumped out. You were in the middle of the countryside, but the streetlights still allowed you a view.

"Hey- What are you-" He complained.

"Leave, go away and leave me here, I'm tired of you!"

Lee's eyes pierced your skin like cold needles, and for a moment you thought he was going to jump on you or run you over.

Finally he left you there, and you heard the engine go wild as he drove away in the stolen pickup.

Now there was only you and nature, if things were bad you would have asked for a ride to your house.

You walked under the dim light and the buzz of the street lamps, there were two or three houses lit up even though it was late in the evening. You didn't bother knocking, you wanted to stretch your legs for a bit.

You could still smell the acrid smell of Lee's vehicle in your nostrils when you noticed that a still figure had been contemplating you for quite some time while your mind was elsewhere.

You approached carefully, but you stopped when you noticed some wrinkles illuminated by the street lamp.

You got a little closer, albeit at a safe distance, and recognized the strange man who had been chasing you around supermarkets or inhabited neighborhoods for weeks.

It was creepy, really, but you didn't tell Lee.

You didn't want him to worry about something so small.

But maybe, just maybe, it was better if you did.

Now you were the one staring at him, and you stared at his strange gray braid falling over his shoulders and his strange scout or fisherman uniform.

"Long time no see, mademoiselle"

A smile moved his wrinkles, and you held back a retch.

"Who are you...? Why have you been following me?"

"Haha, you're smart. It's, old Sully just wanted to make friends. He feels so alone..."

Why does he talk about himself as another person?

That guy needed to be taken to the mental hospital.

"I can give you a lift, you know. I saw that you and your lovebird argued, what a shame..."

"How long have you been stalking me?"

"No, don't treat old Sully badly. I'm just protecting you, that's all."

Now there were two options: run away...or run away.

You took a step back and felt the gravel slide against your sole, the old man raised a thick eyebrow and in an instant he was on you.

The view was foggy and the world spun around you like a top when your feet left the ground. The next moment he slammed the back of your head against the wall and the dull thud echoed in your head.

He had already restrained your wrists, and if you kicked or screamed it would be worse. He took his time to smell and imprint your scent into his nostrils, you closed your eyes until it hurt.

You understood.

You could already feel his sharp canines imprinting on the cool flesh of your neck and it made you sweat terribly.

You tightened your fingers around the fabric of his uniform until you could see your hands shaking, but suddenly his teeth moved away and fell with him.

"DIE, BASTARD!!!"

Lee was behind him with an iron pipe, the old man was reduced to a puddle of blood in front of your feet. You avoided touching it as if it was lava.

Your boyfriend was still as dirty as before, shirtless and looking like a butcher, but now he was scratching his head with a strong itch and you held back a laugh.

"Am I too late? Did he hurt you?"

His eyes traveled over you frantically, as if to see if you were still in one piece.

"Don't worry...I'm o-"

"I'm so fucking sorry about our argument...I should have listened and been more careful, sorry, I-..." His voice caught in his throat.

"Shhh...I'm glad you're here"

Your lips rested on his, you could feel the blood from his previous hunt running down your throat with a strong iron taste.

He didn't notice and pushed you against the wall, seeking your lips as his lifeline.

His fingers were quickly stroking your hair, now your shoulders and following your hips.

"I love you, I love you, I love you..."

The words slipped out of his mouth like his most precious mantra.

Luckily his cannibal sixth sense never failed.

[fyrewalks]

a (hopefully) comprehensive look at bob and jewishness:

bob grew up in a reform jewish household. between his dad not being jewish and all the upheaval they faced being a military family, bob knows he didn't have the most traditional upbringing. still, both parents made judaism a priority so he doesn't really feel like he missed out on much.

at this point in bob's life, he tends to prioritize cultural/personal celebrations and reflections of his faith. he still goes to shabbat services often, but at the same time, is fine with missing out on synagogue.

a good estimate is that bob goes two to three times a month when he's stateside. generally, he prefers early saturday morning services because he likes friday night being for friends, family, and food. he also tends to skip shabbat service if he's gone earlier in the week for a holiday.

also, sometimes he'll make the joke that shabbat is a time for 'mental rest' and that he's completely justified in playing video games/goofing off. otherwise, he doesn't follow shabbat restrictions.

whenever he moves, he finds local kosher supermarkets, delis, cafes etc first. bob, at his core, is a foodie.

(regardless of if i have him based at top gun or lemoore, he meets megan miller during one of his supermarket hunts. megan is a local navy housewife and invites him to attend shabbat with her family; they become decently close friends and bob occasionally babysits for them. fc: jenny slate)

bob follows 'lazy kosher' meaning he mostly follows the rules in terms of what meats/proteins to eat. he does make exceptions for shrimp and the dairy rule, nor does he keep separate items in his kitchen. a good chunk of what he buys has a kosher symbol on it, and whenever he's unsure at a restaurant, he just sticks to veggie options.

(he's checking for the kosher symbol on all meats, but not on candy or whatever else has gelatin, for example.)

bob has a floral mezuzah that was gifted to him by his sister, gracie, when he started flight school.

bob doesn't fast on the anniversary of his sister's, stevie's, death. he finds it too hard. he does light a candle for her, though, and donates to the children's hospital she was treated at every year.

the only shiva bob has done was for stevie. he absolutely hated it, but that is mostly due to him being an angry ten year old struggling in the wake of such a devastating loss. bob hasn't visited stevie's grave in a while, but he has been collecting rocks for it.

while it's a bit 'untraditional', bob has a bumble bee tattoo with stevie's name above his left elbow. he won't admit that he was drunk when he got and is generally conflicted on if he'd get another tattoo. he knows that if he did, he'd get one in hebrew.

bob loved learning hebrew and can/does still speak it. he understands yiddish well, but can't carry out full conversations. he uses yiddish the way most people do, saying something looks schmutz or calling a little kid bubbeleh etc.

bob minored in jewish studies in college. it was a way to keep up with hebrew, keep him busy after he stopped drinking, and helped him reconnect with his faith.

bob didn't attend synagogue or go to hillel while his drinking was at it's worst the first two years or so of college. this was less a rejection of his faith and more him knowing, on some level, that if he'd gone to temple, that his drinking and the fight with his parents that precipitated it, would've been acknowledged and he wasn't ready to confront either. getting back into regular temple attendance and involved with hillel after he made the decision to stop drinking is one of the biggest things that helped him keep sober. (he does now drink wine with shabbat and other dinners, but never in social settings like a bar or big group parties.)

unsurprisingly, for bob's mitzvah project, her organized a few bake sales and donated the profits to a local food bank. (if you can't tell, food is a really big thing for him.)

bob donates to charities for most holidays, regardless of if he's celebrating it himself or attending synagogue. he has a handful of foodbanks and family services nonprofits that he cycles through. the idea of charity and giving back is something his mom really pushed as he grew up, especially after they benefited from help in the wake of his mom's depression following stevie's death, and bob's grateful for it now because tikkun olam is a big guiding force for him. this is also why if he runs marathons, he'll do it for a charity. (he will admit he probably doesn't physically volunteer enough outside the occasional foodbank during thanksgiving and purim)

rosh hashana - sometimes he'll attend service, but he always does a nice dinner for it when stateside. he likes experimenting with different apple and honey themed desserts.

yom kippur - bob absolutely prioritizes going to temple for this holiday. he'll go both on yom kippur eve (for kol nidre) and during the day. generally, he will not fast if it falls during the week. instead, he'll give up coffee and keep his food light/bland. this year since it fell on fri/sat, he did fast. he'll either attend a big break the fast get together with friends/family, or go out somewhere nice, regardless of he's fasted or not. he also lights a candle for stevie during this time too.

sukkot - it might be the festival of booths, but he is not making a sukkah himself. his mom never did, so it's not something he grew up helping with. he may go to one at temple or family/friends, and generally just celebrates the first day.

simchat torah - honestly, bob tends to be holiday'd out at this point. he generally skips out now as an adult, but his mom did place some importance on this celebration when he and the girls were younger since reading the torah is a accomplishment no matter how often you've gone through it.

hanukkah - bob goes to synagogue at least once but often more if he's visiting his family. (his mom is the treasure for her synagogue's board, so bob's accepted that he goes with her as often as she does whenever he's visiting florida, regardless of holiday.) his parents focused on giving out small, meaningful/useful gifts and experiences (think tickets to the zoo etc) and that's something bob carries on himself. this is one of his favorite holidays to cook for.

(since bob's dad isn't jewish, he did grow up celebrating christmas and doing easter dinner. bob definitely has a preference for hanukkah, but he does associate christmas with more fun, frivolous and unnecessary gifts. his parents also only decorated for both at the same time if they overlapped, and the christmas stuff was minor compared to the hannukah decor.)

tu bishvat - again, this is a holiday that bob doesn't do much for now as an adult. his family has planted trees for stevie in the past, though. if he does anything for it now, it's likely just to make bread or almond cake for friends/family or any bake sales.

purim - like passover, this is a a holiday that bob is certain to go to temple for. it's also a favorite of his! (tho sometimes he's indecisive and says it's tied with hanukkah.) he loves that it's fun and joyous, and it was likely one of the first things that got him laughing after stevie passed in february. he loves making gift baskets of food and goes all out (fancy jams, candied nuts, etc). please don't make him dress in costume, though, he has no interest in that part. he will also volunteer at a food drive/backe sale during this time too.

passover - bob only does seder for the first night, but will sometimes go to a community seder later on. he also really enjoys cooking for this, but isn't as creative since he mostly just sticks to family recipes - he does now add an orange to his plate. growing up his mom would put chocolate on their matzo, and it's something he still craves outside of passover. he's hit or miss on the no leavened/fermented bread thing outside of a seder meal. also, the maggid/four questions used to make him so nervous as a kid.

shavuot - bob doesn't do much beyond buying or sending fresh flowers to his mom.

[z-i-a-f-o-x]

What is stopping you from going to a hospital? You don’t seem well and I don’t mean for that to come across as rude. It seems like you need significant help.

I talked a little bit about it on twitter, but it’s really a multitude of emotions and reasons..

Im no stranger to Depression or Suicidal Ideation. When I was a teenager I was Hospitalized and in Facilities multiple times for my own safety, and it was miserable, and was not helpful. Granted these were 5150’s (involuntary psychiatric hold by the State) vs. if I were to admit myself. So there is some trauma and negative associations there that I have with the effectiveness of institutions, at least in my case.

I have passive suicidal thoughts all the time; if you asked me at any given time if I’d opt out even when I’m “happy” I’d say yes. It’s just the brokenness of my mind. Those thoughts may be concerning to some, but it’s become background noise to me. It’s the times I get very low and the thoughts turn into compulsions that are the issue, but they aren’t triggered necessarily by anything in particular. They come on suddenly, intensely, and out of nowhere — so I guess my anxiety and thought process is fearing that I’d admit myself and be my usual passive self (which I know how to cope with on my own) when it’s the times of crisis that I’m really at risk.

To a mentally healthy person, it’s a no brainer to just go to the hospital and seek help for any issue you have. For someone whose brain chemistry is like mine, it’s not that simple. When I’m actively wanting to hurt myself, my focus is completely on that impulse and not on how to fix it. In those moments I’ve already made up my mind and it doesn’t feel like I can be unconvinced. In those moments, there is no finding the solution because I believe I already have. There is no wanting to help myself, there is just the goal I can’t stop fixating on. The times when I need the help the most, are the times I’m the least likely to reach out for it. I tend to self-isolate and shut down and not want to talk about how bad it is.. when I’m really bad, it feels impossible to put it into words for someone to listen. But especially to a professional vs. venting to my friends and in my safe spaces.

It really is just riding it out and waiting for the thoughts to slow down and mellow. And I’ve coped this far in my Life through those lows mainly by distraction, distraction, distraction, and focusing on the pain I’d leave my loved ones in. Because the impulses go away if I’m strong enough to just wait them out, it makes me question how much help a facility would be vs. what I’m already doing. It would basically be just an extra set of eyes on me to make sure nothing happens, while giving me the time I need.. and frankly part of me feels like it would be a waste of money.

In the past when I was hospitalized, I was isolated from outside Life. No connections to family or friends or access to my phone or internet.. and those are all things I derive nearly all my joy from. I don’t know if that would be the same situation as an adult.. but the idea scares me. It scares me to lose contact with the people I push on for, even if it’s only temporary. It scares me the isolation could make me more depressed, which I can’t really afford.

So ultimately, to answer your question — irrational fear and anxiety of the unknown, in combination of not believing it’s bad enough and not wanting to save myself enough. I don’t really have the answer yet on how to get myself to the point of believing I’m worth helping.

There are other options too though, like out-patient programs I’m considering more and more.

[starsomens]

IMAGINE IMAGINE

a home birth with Noah 🥹like instead of doing the hospital you both agree that doing it at home would be better, more peaceful and just overall a better birth experience for you.

Noah like we’ve said is super observant and knows that the hospital isn’t the best when it comes to listen to how women want to give birth aside from in their backs (this isn’t prove by facts I’m sure many hospitals do listen to women just go with it)

And yes I am convinced Noah researched different methods and positions for birth and what would make it safer and easier for you. And what’s more safe than at home with him? He will invest into EVERYTHING. A pool, the best most experienced doula/mid wife, supplies, an extra bed in case

EVERYTHING

I feel like he’s also the type to be the first to spot things before you. Like when you have a contraction and think “oh it’s just a cramp, or they’re just stretching”

“Yea the cramp, lasted about 3 minutes. You’re in labor mama” and he’d come and pet your belly like a dad does to the dog

Ans he was right🧍🏽‍♀️ you’re in early labor. He’s got the doula on hold and let her know you started early but still too early for her to come. I think he’s the type to document it because it’s such an intimate experience. Not graphically but like candid shots definitely

At first you were both joking about it and watching your stomach stretch and timing it and going “that was different that time” they were too bad at the start. But after a couple of hours he noticed it was starting to get to the part no one rlly liked. The one where pain was too much to ignore, when you had to really focus on it cuz it was intense. The part where he had to be your rock and hold you and support you.

Between contractions he tried to get you to sleep to have some kind of rest even though you weren’t really getting any.

So now it’s his role to step up and be your support physically, emotionally and mentally. He knows birth can take a toll on women in more ways then one and who was he not to support and be there for you???

On top of that no medication, you both went into this knowing you wouldn't have the option for epidural.

“Squeeze my hand baby you got this”

“Where do you need me?”

“You want me to just hold you?”

“Breathe in…and out baby. Good just like that”

“You’re almost dome princess. Almost there”

You both agreed on a water delivery so he had gotten you the best most expensive pool possible. By the time the doula got there you had been in active labor for about 4’hours now. She did be usual check up for heart rate and dilation, you were only at 3 cm at that moment do you had some ways to go.

He’d would walk around the house with you, hand your hands while you used the yoga ball or tried to distract you with some singing, which at one point worked very well. After some strong waves he’d wipe you tears away and give you some water

“I know princess, but you did so good. So strong” he knew his words could have only so much effect on the situation but he was doing everything he was able to do for you. He helps get you in the pool and used a small towel to wash warm water down your back.

“We’re super close babe…what do you think it’s gonna be?” You wanted the sex to be a surprise and you were back and forth with old wives tales

“Mm, I’m still thinking it’s a boy” you said letting your head rest on the edge of the inflatable pool

“Really a Boy? I thought you would have wanted another copy of yourself” he smiles

“A copy of you would be so cute though” you try and smile

“But a copy of you would be perfect. Either way, I’m just so happy they’re finally coming”

Then it’s time for the hardest part 🙃

"Ready baby...push..you got it 1..2..3..4.."

"That was a good push baby, good job"

"I gotchu, I'm right here baby. Good, good..you're doing so good"

Doesn't care about the screaming and if anything he encourages you to while you push. Is very surprised and kinds scared at the grip you had on his hand, but that was the least of his worries.

Entire labor took about 8 hours and ended by the night with about 5 pushes and now you had a beautiful baby boy. lots of crying, Noah cant stop kissing and thanking you. He's just watching you be a mom and he can't look away and he can't wipe the smile off his face.

"He's so perfect princess, he's got your nose"

While he was being weighed and measured Noah helped you get out of the tub and into the shower. He helped get you cleaned up and dressed. After your son was cleaned and swaddled he was brought to you both for some skin to skin and feeding.

It was so intimate, you weren't rushed and didn't have doctors interrupting every hour or so

"You did so good princess...he's perfect "

"Well you were here too, and you did great supporting me. Thank you" you look up at him

"I am at your beck and call, but really you did all the hard work. I'm so proud of you"

[twirlybumblevee]

Pointers on how to respond to a victim trusting you with their story

After everything that's happened over the past week, I figured I'd offer something constructive and share some of the things I learned while I prepared for and then volunteered as a first responder / consultant for victims of all kind (not just sexual) for a few years. Just in case someone else here might ever be in that sort of situation, since it can be quite overwhelming.

While I do believe that what I'm writing down is quite helpful (at least from my own experience), this isn't the "full whole truth" that applies on every single situation, because - and that's sort of also my first point:

Every situation is different. No two stories are exactly the same, so never try and apply one case to another. Everyone deserves to be heard for themselves.

If anyone comes to you with their story (and I'm not exculding non-sexual violence or other traumatic events here), see it as a huge sign of trust. In the overwhelming amount of cases, to speak up about something traumatic that has happened to someone is incredibly hard and difficult, and if they open up to you, try and treat it and them with care and consideration. (It can get very overwhelming depending on the story, so remember to take care of yourself too.)

Your job is to offer understanding, empathy, and a safe space for the other person to talk about whatever they're ready to talk about, in their own words. Remember: It's not about you, it's about them. That means no pushing for details out of curiosity, no leading questions (an example for this would be "how did you feel?" instead of "did you feel scared/disgusted/uncomfortable/etc?"), and no telling them what they should do.

The thing you can do is to offer (because if they came to you, chances are they might be looking for help - or only an open ear). Depending on the situation (and also country, let's be real), that can mean a whole lot of things, small and big. Offer to be there to listen if they need it. Offer to take them to the hospital. Offer them distractions. Offer them sympathy and understanding. Even resources, if you're in place to offer them, for example a place to stay for the night. Offer them your help in finding professional help (because remember: you are not a professional. You can and should never replace the work of a legal consultant, therapist, doctor or the like.)

Again remember: Take care of your own mental health. You can only help so far. And if you (and them) turn anywhere, your first stop should always be a professional - not the internet.

In an ideal case, you will be able to get outside help. It might take a long time, for many of the reasons mentioned above, and more. Being ready to talk to you doesn't mean they're ready to talk to a therapist, or go to the police, or any of the sort, even in apparently very clear cut cases. Even if something happened years ago though, it can be worth getting active. It's definitely NEVER too late to get psychological help.

Some countries have initiatives that offer financial compensation to victims (because it is your government's duty to protect you from harm, and if they couldn't do that, they will at least compensate you - that's the idea). That can mean a number of things like paying for (mental and physical) therapy, operations, special aids for your home, and so on. People might not want to take advantage of these, because it can be a draining and mentally taxing process to apply for them. (Because of course, as the real world works, there will be a lot of questions about the hows and whys and whats.) It is good to know that these options might exist though. (This particular bit is heavily drawing reference from Germany, where I know for a fact that this government initiative exists. Pretty much any country has initiatives that offer professional help in all kinds of ways, especially for female victims.)

This is what I can think of right now. If I think of more, I might add on to this, but it's long enough as it is. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask! I hope this is a little helpful to at least some people here. :)

-- Vee

[thisisthinprivilege]

ANONYMOUS PLEASE <3 I’m at my wit’s end with my mother. I wanted to complain about her fatphobia, and I also wanted to you thank you for how reading here has helped me and my sisters. 

I’m a small fat in my 40s. I’ve been a bigger fat, and I’ve also been very, very skinny. I developed anorexia at about age 6 due to the usual issues one develops that from and was thinner than thin until I finally started to actually recover. I got very fat very quickly on the drugs I was put on, then dropped down in size to small fat once I stabilized and didn’t need them. No idea what my “comfortable” or “natural” size would have been without so much damage, but I’m going to guess “about this”, since it’s what I am when I’m neither restricting to the point of heart damage, nor on drugs that also made me sick in many other ways. For me, a comfortable size is the size I have when I’m not actively altering it in ways that hurt me, so I’m not going to question it.

My next younger sister, however, is a bigger fat, and pretty much always has been. In her 30s, she’s fat in a way that does restrict her clothing options and employment (she once told me that an interviewer had given her “feedback” on a job interview, and it was that she looked “sloppy”. She was wearing perfectly nice, clean, pressed, professional clothes- and expensive clothes of course, as that’s the rule for bigger clothes as we know. She was just fat in them.) Being “healthy” doesn’t really matter to this - and indeed if it did I wouldn’t have half of this rant - but she is. Fit and strong, great at physical things like endurance sports in a way I never have been. She is also perhaps the most self-aware and level-headed person I have ever met about stuff like this. When what people say bothers her, she will discuss her feelings and not try to hide them or their impact, but she will also deconstruct, and conclude that what the person has said is stupid. So it’s like she neither tries to pretend she’s immune to harm, nor allows others to be right in hurting her. 

And she eats exactly what she wants, and since we’re both autistic this also includes pickiness on sensory stuff - she doesn’t eat what she doesn’t want to, and does eat what she does. She was a great person to be around during my recovery, even though I never even mentioned to her at the time that I was in it (I didn’t tell anyone in my family about it until years later,) just because she made food such a non-issue. 

And our mother will not shut up about her size. Our mother is also fat, we’re a fat family, but my mother decided years ago that I am the one to make my sister “address her weight.” I literally left the country to get away from my family (not related to this specifically) and she STILL emails me about it. I don’t respond to those emails. I DO have lovely chats with my beloved sister on Skype though. 

I have tried all your scripts with my mom before - the team here have SO many great scripts that have worked wonderfully for me in other situations, like work or friend groups. I have told my mother I don’t agree, many times backed up with sources (sources thanks to you!) I have told her I’m not interested in the conversation and have hung up or walked away when she has persisted. I’ve called her out when she tries it on in public on multiple occasions. She will not stop. She is convinced that my extremely wonderful, fit and thriving, very happy sister is at death’s door. She’s also convinced that I, a person who has been repeatedly hospitalized for ED and the mental complications that caused it (which she now knows all about, and in fact did visit me in hospital the last time I was in, which was only a few years ago by the way) am the person to talk to her about it and make her see the error of her ways. My sister and I talk quite openly about this, and we’re both agreed our mother is full of shit and we’ll both be ignoring this. We both have also decided to persist in having a relationship with her, though with BIG boundaries around it. (Trust me, this fat bullshit is the thin edge of the wedge with her, and we’re both VERY exacting about when we will talk to her and what about. But we also both love our mother, and she’s the only parent we have.) The thing I’m most struggling with I think is that as I said, our mother is also fat. I actually feel some real sympathy here as I’m aware she’s clearly projecting her own issues on both of her daughters, but god is it mean. She couldn’t see how sick I was when I was skinny, even though I was very literally beginning to die (in fact, all she had to say to me was to mention my weight when I got fat) and she can’t see how happy my sister is in her life, because she’s fat so can’t possibly be happy, and she’s still, now, as perhaps some last gasp of control, attempting to make us fight each other over it. 

It hasn’t worked, thankfully, and it never will.

My mom has many other issues, I’m sure, but my god, it is sometimes quite astounding to look at what hell fatphobia hath wrought on my mom’s psyche and ideas of being a parent. I’m grateful my sister(s) and I instead read blogs like this so we’ll hopefully pass a lot less of this on. So I guess this rant is half a complaint and half a thanks. It’s been really helpful to be able to come here and read, for both of us (and our younger sisters as well, who we are steadily converting), to remind ourselves that mom’s wrong. My sister is fat and an exceptional person. I’m fat now too, and the world didn’t end (and in fact actually got a lot better.) Our mom is just plain fucking wrong.    Anyway, thank you. I know you’re not planning to be as active with new posts lately, but please know that you’ve been wonderful this whole time, and keeping your archives up is of immense help to at least this one group of sisters. It's been awesome to relay one of the younger ones to an older post from time to time (actually quite a few times!) Note: I wanted to tag ED as I do mention it but I don't see it in the list of tags under submission. I tagged "trigger warning", "Weightloss", and "food" to hopefully cover it. 

Apologies for the first post of this.

[msperfectsheep-posts]

Ask Meme

I was tagged by @rosencrantzsguildenstern for this ask meme, so why not!

Do you make your bed?

Uhhhh well. Sort of. I definitely make it any time I expect I'm going to have company, but on a weekday when I'm the only one in my dorm room? Nah. I didn't make it when I had a roommate either unless I thought she was going to have company (but she never warned me in advance for that so LMAO)

What's your favorite number?

I'm a lucky 7 kind of gal, but I also really jive with 36 and 81. My factors of 9 <3 <3 <3 If I have to pick one, it's always going to be 7 though

What is your job?

Right now, I work for the US Department of Agriculture! I've worked some other random jobs though, such as a waitress at a high-end retirement home and an assistant at a local hospital

If you could go back to school, would you?

Yes. Absolutely. I would reduce how many classes I take (because haha I am at 22 credit hours right now :')) but I love learning! I don't love all the pomp and circumstance of academia, but I've considered becoming a teacher several times as a career option and I actually have taught in a professional setting before. School's a love of mine that even all the stresses I've put myself through hasn't fully been killed

Can you parallel park?

Yep! My city almost never requires it because it's a newer one and street parking is only really used in our tiny downtown or in neighborhoods, but I can do it!

A job you had that would surprise people?

Uhhhh I think my current job is that, LOL! But even then, once I explain the details of my job, people seem to think it fits me pretty well :)

Do you think aliens are real?

I think that somewhere in space, there's something that could be considered life, but we can't agree if viruses are living, so I doubt that whatever could be "life" in another part of space would fit our current definitions! Evolution is already fucked enough as is, so accidentally going down any path that resembles what happened on Earth feels pretty unlikely to me

Can you drive a manual car?

Yes! I practiced with my grandpa's old car, though I also stalled a few times LOL so I'm not GOOD, but I can do it! With more practice I think I would be fine

What's your guilty pleasure?

I'm not really sure? I'm not really guilty about any of my pleasures because they're all pretty vanilla? In my household it's definitely mayo though. No one in my household likes mayo and I usually have to deal with Bullying of the highest degree if I want to use it when I'm eating with my sister and parents

Tattoos?

Nope! And I don't want to get them either. I have an irrational thing of permanently adding things to my body to the point where I had a surgery to remove a part of my flesh instead of having a tiny metal rod inserted in me. Tattoos are filed under the same "body modification" ick mentally

Favorite Color?

A soft lilac! I also really like the darker, desaturated greens, but purple is my eternal love

Favorite type of music?

Things that lean more into the rock side of things! I like harsher sounds, faster tempos, that sort of thing, but also my music taste is literally all over the place. It really really REALLY is a case-by-case basis but if I had to say anything, most Paramore songs are ones I love

Do you like puzzles?

It depends on the puzzle! I like logic and math puzzles, and mysteries are fun as well, but a jigsaw is something I'll only really do if I'm with friends or exceedingly bored

Any phobias?

Well, there's that body modification one I mentioned earlier! I also have an irrational fear of beetles and an even more irrational fear of specifically dropping a kitchen knife into my foot! Yowch!

Favorite childhood sport?

I didn't really play sports as a kid, but if I had to pick one, probably swimming? My current favorite sport is definitely dancing, though (folk and ballroom!)

Do you talk to yourself?

Yep! I use both the singular and plural first person pronouns "I" and "We" when I talk to myself. Generally, I use "I" when I'm more passively thinking, and "We" when I'm being metacognizant.

What movie(s) do you adore?

Back to the Future (1985) by Robert Zemekis my BELOVED!!!! I cannot recommend it enough, and I made a quote from it my senior quote in high school. I also really love The Sixth Sense (1999) and Tangled (2010)

Coffee or tea?

Tea, as I have yet to ever drink coffee! But when I drink my tea, I like it unsweetened and iced

First thing you wanted to be when growing up?

First thing I remember was, ironically, a teacher! Some things don't change <3

I'm gonna tag @riinsanity @0mega-x @koi0boi @always-a-joyful-note and @yukimomodivorce but anyone can join in!

[charred-angel-ribs]

I'm nearing the end of my third (3rd) full watch through of Hannibal, and I love the show so dearly. I love going on about the writing and symbolism and the acting and every little bit that makes it so good as a show.

But I feel like it's only fair to talk about the flaws as well, so, I gotta say it: I don't like Molly's character.

I think she could have been a good character, but for some reason she just doesn't feel well written. Her character feels very shallow (not like a shallow personality, but shallow as in not developed). Like a filler character for the sake of pushing a narrative, rather than an actual person involved in the story.

We don't really get to know much about Molly, but from what we do see of her, she comes across as an NPC almost. As if she's saying what she does just for the sake of it.

She gets Will to go back to working with Jack, which implies she either is completely unaware of how bad things were and what happened, or that she knows but doesn't care/understand properly. Now, either of these are viable options for a character, but the way it's done just seems to lack any sort of reasoning or feeling.

When she talks about it, both with Jack and Will, her dialogue feels like it's written just for the sake of pushing a narrative. It doesn't feel like there's any sort of drive or emotion behind what she's saying. She objects a little with "You're gonna take him either way" to Jack, but the way it's done just sounds like she's saying it for the sake of "Oh but I didn't want him to, I tried to convince Jack otherwise".

It doesn't feel reasonable for her character. From what we see, Molly and Will seem to have a healthy relationship, and they do seem to actually care about eachother (though even that isn't written very well), so it doesn't make sense that she wouldn't care - in fact, I would argue she would care a lot. But she doesn't seem to?

Not just with Will going back, but about the consequences too. After Molly and Walter's incident with Dolarhyde, it shows Molly in a hospital bed talking to Will. She barely seems phased by it. The most emotion we see her express over the matter is "My son almost died. I almost died." said very calmly, then proceeded by a sigh and "Man, I got mad there for a second."

Like, I'm sorry? What do you mean "I got mad there a second"? She should be way more shaken up by that. Like she just said, she and her son not only almost died, but were almost killed. By the guy Will's after, because the man who manipulated him for so long decided to sick him on Will's family as a way of further manipulating him now that he's back.

Yes, she does call Hannibal out with "I knew it was him," but that's it. She deserves to get angry, she should get angry. Or scared, or annoyed, or upset, something. The fact that she's so calm about it all makes it feel very superficial, like they just had her there to push things along and that's it.

And alongside Molly's character's poor writing, Will's line of "I'm just about tired of you crazy sons of bitches." feels wildly out of character, not only for Will but for the whole show. Will is not, at any point in the show (to my memory and knowledge), known to make any sort of ableist remarks or use any sort of ableist language - in fact, I don't think anyone does. The closest it gets is when Chilton uses outdated terms to refer to Gideon (if I remember correctly).

The whole show is very respectful (in my opinion) of neurodivergent and mentally ill people, especially considering it's a large part of its horror aspect. I view Hannibal as proof that you can have media whose horror aspect is neurodivergence/mentall illness, without it being ableist. In fact, at the beginning of the show, we see Will talking to Jack about how he doesn't like that Jack made a museum about serial killers and named it the "Evil Minds Museum". A lot of mental illnesses are villainised and considered "evil", and Will was outwardly objecting to that.

So for Will to just walk into Hannibal's room and say that feels like a curveball and a half. It doesn't feel natural. Will has never been known to say things like that, and whenever he and Hannibal communicate, it's never that aggressively blunt; there's always some layer of poeticism and subtext to carry the words forward. But even so, Will doesn't really talk like that with anybody??

I don't know, maybe I'm just missing something, or misinterpreting something. This is just how it came across for me. I'd love to hear someone else's thoughts on this. /lh /gen