#feel gross
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Managed to pull myself out of my depression pit for a little bit to actually cook properly for the first time in a while! Was yum but now I just feel shit and disgusting again… so sick of feeling this low but yay for my chicken and prawn katsu stir fry 😂🐷🤦🏻♀️
#im not mentally stable#fml#actually mentally ill#mental#mentally drained#kmn#bpd#borderline things#mental health#struggling mentally#once again#feeling fat#full and fat#feel gross#borderline feels#vent#vent blog#vent post#personal vent#mental disorder#disgusting#im fat and disgusting#ugh#ughhhh#dead inside#tw depressing thoughts#sorry for being depressing#bpd depression#this is depressing#i’m fat
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I should get up and shower before I fall back asleep again
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Well I went to work, but now that I'm here I'm thinking I might end up going home after lunch lmao
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i almost never do vent art, much less post it but man, i have been feeling bummed out recently
#i feel very protective of nerdy male people#yes even the gross incel-y ones tbh#is hard for me not to sympathize considering i used to be one of them
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figured out why i dislike the term non-man so much thanks random screenshot
#monolith mumbles#discourse#just in case#like its so. annoying & feels gross how ppl use it 💀 like it feels like it completely ignores multigender/gnc/genderqueer
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail''#ah tumblr...#writeblr#warm up#idk . having trouble writing rn#ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum#i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for#i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" .....#no.... not really.....#idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography#like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days#furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing...#this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey.#idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me.#i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will#actually ever happen#ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum
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#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#yuji itadori#itadori yuuji#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#jjk 266#fanart#jjk fanart#itafushi#jujutsu kaisen fanart#used th itfs tag bc its implied and this is an itfs piece i said so#i dont think ive seen this parallel made yet??? but its ok if it has#i just had the idea hit at gross o clock last night when i ws alr exhausted n had 2 force myself to sleep instead of drawing it#i just . clutches chest . YUUJI#th char development the emotional maturity..#the willingness to put aside his gojo voice personal feelings in favour of giving megumi agency over his own life#rather than burden him with expectations the way every1 has done fr both of them over the course of the series...#tears in my eyes thats my mc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyway art notes i think lower one is some of the best yuuji hair ive drawn 2 date#it's kind of similar to one of my 265 redraws but i think i struck a better balance in how thoroughly i rendered it here#proud of my me but also SO grateful tht yuuji has not been fighting me lately#so much yuuji content these past chapters i cant imagine th frustration having to Also fight him in order 2 create content fr them#anyway itafushi kaisen is real and canon and alive and yuuji singlehandedly discovered th cure 2 my mental illness w this line
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he's going to have the worst rash under his mask when he wakes up
#dc comics#dc#dick grayson#nightwing#robin#robin dick#dc robin#batman#batfam#batfamily#why did you let him fall asleep with his costume one!!!! he's going to feel so gross when he wakes up
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to you it’s perverted gross sex. to me it’s being creative, working through traumas and baggage, healing my inner child, playing, practicing intense vulnerability, finding even more ways to fall in love with my partner, finding more ways to fall in love with myself, learning confidence & how to ask for what i want, care work, emotional release, relaxing, community building, theater, dance, writing, problem solving, therapy, radical honestly, and so much more. and also it’s gross perverted sex.
#sex is just so. everything to me#i feel like i’ve grown so much w it and wouldn’t be who i am without the kind of sex i have with other perverted gross sex weirdos <3#and it’s like never just sex with me.#i mean sometimes it is but. i love a theme and motif#mine
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"LOL this flip-flop wearing loser thinks he's gonna kick my ass and destroy my whole kingdom in the span of an afternoon. What an idiot"
I didn't intend for this to be a full comic, which is why it just kinda ends. Sowwy
#one piece#monkey d luffy#donquixote doflamingo#trafalgar law#i've been too nice to dofy so im gonna draw him suffering#dofy feels insulted and takes out his annoyance on the ptsd victim#also really loving trebol being the manipulator and then being like “hey this kid is alright!” then becoming the manipulated himself#him turning into a weird enabling father figure without ever intending to is great#but oda intentionally made him so gross an unappealing bc HE KNOWS he can get away with it bc the story is so good#and i hate him for it#anyway dressrosa's a good arc
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We were so close to smoking not being cool anymore. We were so close. Then they flavored it mango and now it's taboo to criticize it anymore. People don't ask if they're allowed to vape indoors, they aren't considerate of people who may have health problems that are triggered by the chemicals or if it just bothers them, people don't care that they're supporting an industry built on corruption and greed, they can't see it draining their pockets and much less their health. We were so close to smoking not being cool anymore.
#i hate hate HATE nicotine after watching my parents smoke when i grew up#its gross and bad for your money and bad for your health#and i get it. theres SO MANY socioeconomic factors that make it a complicated issue.#you CANT blame smokers.#but it feels like people are just accepting the institution for what it is bc now it tastes good#bitch just chew gum jfc#it doesn't matter if its an industry issue. we have seen in the past that making it “uncool” hurts the industry#make nicotine uncool again PLEASE#grumbles
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Tfw your beautiful girlfriend explains all the Alien movies’ plots to you before she goes to bed.
#based on real events with my partner#who was extremely grossed out by my extensive knowledge on the subject#I can’t wait to make her watch the movies (she agreed to)#Pearl feels like he’s so disconnected to fandom & pop culture#and Marina’s got awful autistic knowledge on niche subjects#anyways!#shitpost#pearlina#off the hook#marina ida#pearl houzuki#my art#sketch
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idk if this has already been said but you would still have to care about the south even if it didn’t have a large poc or queer population. you still have to care about straight and cis and white and able bodied people in the south. “i am only granting personhood to those who’s suffering i can benefit from addressing in a public manner” is the equal and opposite belief to “i am only granting personhood to those i deem worthy based on their similarity to me”
#i just always feel so gross when someone is like ‘um actually theres a lot of poor poc in the south so you shouldn’t make fun of them’#because it communicates that your compassion is conditional#in this particular case it means you can pat urself on the back for being a savior to those Poor Miserable Black People Trapped In The South#its so fucking insincere and insulting#and also indicates a very troubling mentality that compassion and respect must be earned via suffering#not a fan of that shit!
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Because I have just seen this specific thing for the second time, I would like to say:
If I reblog your art, I do not expect you to reblog (or share!) my fic in return
If I comment on your fic, I do not expect you to comment on (or read!) mine in return
My enjoyment of anyone's work does not come with strings or expectations
My friendship is not a bill that you will have to pay later
That's it!
#the fucking obsession with fandom becoming ~content creation~ has got to stop. this is not a business.#i don't like it when someone acts like i owe them because they complimented my work#and i will never do that to someone else#kindness has to be freely given or it isn't kindness; it's manipulation#this just. makes me feel super gross and it upsets me that it's happened twice#and that both people explicitly stated in their profiles that this is an expectation they have of fandom#you can't form a community by force. that's not how it works.#anyways. rant over. i just want it to be known that i'm not expecting anything from anyone lol#if i talk to you or hang out it's because i want to. i don't want anything from you except you know#kindness and companionship or w/e#bleargh. gonna go play a game or something.#dixeram
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okay so while I generally endeavour to avoid anything to do with the daily star at all costs I feel like people really need to see today's front page bc I nearly choked walking past this on the newspaper stand:
#ORANGE MANBABY#GET DUNKED ON#tw trump#tw donald trump#donald trump#I feel gross just typing the name but I had to share this ok
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I am
• worried
• depressed
• uncomfortable
• upset
• afraid
• uneasy
it does not feel good.
I'm going to drink some water, take a nap, and deal with these things later
#I'm still waiting to hear back if I got my apartment#I just broke my glasses#I ran out of my meds and it might take a while to get more#I have so many people I need to message back#I fucked up and missed my therapy appointment yesterday#I'm with both of my parents for the holidays and I'm not out as she/her#I just feel gross
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