#feel free to come scream at me

[mymistakewriting]

Evan Buckley & trauma responses

This one was surprisingly hard to write because I had no idea just how involved I wanted this post to be because let's face it, Buck's been through a lot. So it's been sitting in my drafts the entire time my partner's been down here visiting me because I had no damned idea how to put all my thoughts and feelings into words while we were still playing catch up on the show (we still aren't caught up but we're almost there, I promise, just a couple more episodes).

That said, this isn't fully involved. There are going to be a lot of things I don't cover or don't delve into as deep as I want to. Those will come later as their own post, or you're welcome to ask my opinions on things you haven't seen me talk about yet (this goes for ANY character, not just the ones I've screamed into the void about).

Trigger / Content Warnings: Mentions of grievous injury. Mentions of abuse. Mentions of natural disasters. Basically, if you know anything about Buck, count it as a trigger. He's a walking trauma response in the form of a humanized golden retriever.

Evan "Buck" Buckley is a walking case of trauma. And it's formed a lot of who he is as a person, and I don't necessarily say that as the worst thing because all of the pain and trauma and hardship he's survived has made him who he is, which is a wonderful person. But I just want to take this post to focus in on how his behaviors changed subtly following some of his traumas.

Let's start with an easy one, though. Abby. Now, I have opinions about Abby and Buck that I'll talk about separately given the chance. But what I want to talk about is the trauma he experiences with Abby while he's with her. He's still a probie at the time (he's the 118's probie until about two months before Eddie shows up if I did the math kind of right, but it isn't a long gap), and he's naive and he's still very much a kid trying to carve out who he is as a person. Abby's not - she's given up a lot of who she is to take care of her mother and frankly, I'm not entirely unconvinced that Buck wasn't a mid-life crisis decision for her as awful as that sounds. But they mesh in a way that is what Buck needed to shove him in the right direction at the time, at the start. He needed someone who was going to hear him, who trusted him to make the calls about his own body and self worth and limits instead of suggesting that maybe he was just overreacting.

But at the same time, it was such a mess of ignoring feelings and issues for what felt safe at the time that it was never going to last. There's a bit of panic underlying just about everything with Abby and Buck, and I feel like that entire relationship was the trauma, not just the "oh I almost died and had to have an emergency tracheotomy" trauma (I know the fandom jokes a lot about that getting ignored but no, I don't think it does, I think it's juxtaposed against the rest of the relationship and thrown into a light of being less of a lasting trauma than getting so attached to someone that you know isn't right and then watching as you get left behind).

It's the first thing that really tosses Buck's abandonment issues into a light instead of just being something hinted at, joked about. It makes it into something real, something that the team tiptoes around right up until Eddie puts what they all know out there, day one.

And then begins the real rush of traumas and how Buck responds.

The Hook & Ladder pinning him, the crush injury, the fear that they won't be able to free him without an in-the-field amputation. He doesn't even talk about it like he remembers what led up to it, just the sudden feeling of 3 tons sat on his leg and the fear that no, his team, his support system isn't strong enough to save him from this.

He tiptoes around the rigs after that, for a while when he gets back to work. It shook him up enough that he hesitates, not quite enough for it to be noticed and called out, but enough that you can see the team adjust how they load in to go out on calls - someone is always at Buck's shoulder as he gets in the rig, he's never last in, never last out, and eventually he stops tiptoeing so much without anyone ever saying anything about it.

And natural disasters. This man's CANON reaction with natural disasters was to research. He talks to Eddie about all of the infrastructure that California has added to some of its buildings because of Earthquakes during the 7.1 earthquake LA deals with, and that's before he ever met Chris, he just knew he needed to comfort one of his team while his line of communication with the kid was down.

The tsunami is where it gets a little more tricky. He does his research after, yes. He makes comments and references to it. But I don't think he ever faced the trauma from it. He risked his life saving others - something that I'm sure the 118 is aware of, at least, because there was more than just Charlie flying drones over the disaster zone that was the Pier and surrounding areas so there was definitely at least some footage. And he nearly died trying to find Chris - he was hurt and on blood thinners. He could have died if some of the other survivors hadn't pulled him aside and forced him to let them patch him up before he continued his search at the very least. It's why he hit the ground so fast once he knew Chris was safe. The adrenaline finally wore out of his system and that was the only thing keeping him on his feet.

He didn't take his eyes off any of his team on calls for months after he came back post-tsunami, post-lawsuit. And I don't think he's gone back to the Pier for anything other than a call since.

The lawsuit and it's aftermath will be it's own post, but you can see how heavy Eddie's words weigh on him. How hard it hits him to see his spot in his home given away in his absence, even briefly. It's childish and selfish, yes, but it stems from such a deep abandonment issue that quite frankly I'm surprised he didn't react worse. He just didn't know how else to make people listen.

And there's more. There's always more. The shit with his parents. The well collapsing on Eddie. Eddie getting shot and Buck's utter confusion at the man's concern for him when he's the one at risk of dying. His reaction to Eddie telling him that he was Chris' legal guardian if something ever happened and Eddie didn't survive it. Maddie leaving. Maddie coming back but being unsure if she could fix things. Taylor Kelly and all of the shit they went through together.

Buck's trauma responses are something that are so interesting to see because they change him as a person just briefly before he's moving on.

And it just takes his heart stopping to finally make him stop and finally start processing things - that's all his coma dream was after the lightning. It was him finally processing everything he's survived and maybe taking a step towards actually figuring out why he survived it despite the odds being against him.

[gia-d]

Team W! As in Who let them near the fire rods???

Four, Legend and Hyrule

[panevanbuckley]

y'all were NOT lying when you said mota was fruiter than the other shows huh

[silverraes]

the discord is here!

a couple of days ago I made a half-joking post asking who wants to be my dumb little thai bl friend circle and after getting a lot of reactions to that, some people seemed interested in joining a discord server where we can all scream together. If you're one of those people (or if you just happen to stumble upon this and are interested): here it is!

there's not much going on in there yet but I'm hoping to make it a bit prettier once I see what people are usually talking about :)

[nonbinary-eddie-munson]

I was thinking about how the run away with me au Robin and Steve "should we get divorced?" conversation comes about:

Theyre about 23 and Robin comes home in tears after another break up. The reason: Robin had asked her girlfriend of 8 months, Lorraine to move in with her and steve. Lorraine assumes this means steve is moving out and when Robin clarifys that no Steve is staying, he's an important part of her life theyre married for chists sake. Well Lorraine doesnt take that well, says she isnt going to spend her life playing second fiddle to Steve.

This isnt the first time a relationship had ended for either of them because a partner hadnt been able to accept that Steve and Robin were a package deal. Things had been especially rough for them romantically in the first couple years of their marriage. It wasnt until a particularly awful screaming match between Robin, Steve and Steves first real boyfriend, that they were able to admit their relationship was incredibly codependent and unhealthy. Steves boyfriend had been upset when Steve had cancelled on him for the 3rd time in a row because of a Robin Emergency™️ and decided to confront Robin about it while Steve was in class. Things escalated quickly when Steve came home early from class to find them arguing and immediately took Robins side. The argument and Steves relationship ended with a slammed door, a lot of tears and a new rift in Robin and Steves relationship.

It took a lot of long conversations with Carina and Marjorie, Steve working through his toxic masculinity enough to go see a therapist - He and Robin made a deal that theyd both go talk to someone about, you know almost dieing "do you think me being fucked up by what happened at starcourt makes me weak steve?" "No of course not!" "Well then why would it make you weak?" - and a summer spent apart (Robin taking an internship in rome to study latin) for them to sit down and have a long conversation about boundaries and ground rules for how they would navigate their relationship as well as dating in the future.

Steve and Robin agreed to both take a break from dating while they worked through their respective traumas, and figured out how to navigate their relationship in a healthy way. Things werent easy, the both of them occasionally backsliding into unhealthy behaviors, more than a few nights where one of them spent the night with Carina and Marjorie in order to have space from eachother. But eventually they get their shit figured out and decide to brave the world of dating again. Steve and Robin both have their share of flings and short lived relationships but nothing so far seemed to stick. That is until Robin met Lorraine.

Lorraine was funny, sweet and a little bitchy. They had immediately clicked after being introduced by some mutual friends from school. Robin really thought things with Lorraine were going to work out. Steve and Lorraine had gotten on like a house on fire, she had slipped into Robin and Steves dynamic easily, trading jokes and light hearted jabs, cooking breakfast together on days Lorraine would stay at their apartment. Robin had fallen hard and fast, she thought she had finally found someone who accepted that her and Steve were a package deal. So 8 months in when Lorraines lease was ending Robin (with agreement from steve) asked Lorraine to move in. Things don't go to plan. Robins dreams of a future with lorraine are shattered. She goes home broken hearted.

After Robin has cried herself out, her and steve cuddled together on the couch Steve is the one to broach the topic. Robin immediately bursts back into tears before he calms her back down again saying he doesnt want a divorce but he also doesnt want to hold Robin back, doesnt want to be the reason she cant find happiness. Robin replys by saying if anyone is holding the other back its obviously her, steve gave up everything to protect her afterall. Steve calls bullshit -years of therapy and he can finally say that word without cringing- says he would do it all again in a heartbeat, that she doesn't owe him anything. They stay up all night talking about it, about what the both of them want from their futures. Neither can see a future without the other. they're platonic life partners, one day they'll find their someones who can accept that and if not well, they'll always have eachother.

Of course they do find their someones in the form of a charming if infuriating metal head and a brilliant, sweet, and badass reporter. Through trial and error the four of them figure out how to navigate life together. They all live happy ever after.

Robin and Steve celebrate 30 years of marriage with divorce papers. They'll always love eachother but now they dont need a marriage to keep eachother safe. They dont need a marriage to stay as platonic life partners. They have eachother and they have Eddie and Nancy. They have everything they need.

-

Lmk what you think! I'd love to have someone to scream with about this AU and bounce ideas off of :D

Tagging by request <3 @ramyayaya

[thedickgraysons]

trust that when ttpd drops i WILL be going through each song, line by line, and finding a way to make them about my favs. in fact i already have money down on 'guilty as sin?' being an eris song

[mrsarnasdelicious]

Alright, Yous asked for this - PART THREE

Threesome with Finan and Osferth Shameless smut.

Arnas Fedaravicius Smut - Groovey Kind of Love CW: RPF. More sexy time with mr sexy.

Sex in Public - Arnas Fedaravicius CW: RPF Pointless smut

You're Mine - Redo The more canon compliant version.

Reunion Sex - Osferth He's missed you, you know.

Yet Another Sihtric Smut - Sex Worker Sihtric Modern verse, escort!Sihtric doing reader pro bono.

Helaemond Smut I am Heleamond trash

The Green Dragon Meaningless Aemond smut

How It Came To Be The first time Harwin and Nyra involve Laenor

A bed for three Harwin x Nyra x Laenor

Laenor Velaryon - Ducks and Geese Nyra and Laenor being poly with reader, vague plot, much smut.

Prince Viridian - Edging You Just me being nuts for Gijs Blom

Seth x Darren smut Seth Clearwater and his dhampire boyfriend.

Chris Evans' Weak Pullout Game BREEDINGKINKBREEDINGKINKBREEDINGKINK

Anton Mogart Request Request has been requested, smutty shit

In The Middle of Nowhere Henry Cavill smut

True Art Anton Mogart Smut

Bondage - The Darkling I do this for my friend Alina. Smutty nonsense. ~Added since making this list~

Run, Little Prey Sweeney, Loki and Shadow all want a good round with reader and they'll have to work for it.

The Other Thorki American Gods Loki x Thor

Red Hair; Red Hand Peaky Blinders long fic, slight fix it, first POV. Very Alfie at first, then very Tommy.

Sihtric fucking you on your period For a fellow fox.

Scare you into it Master Chief x Rich Man's Daughter. Might be long fic.

Hurts so good Master Chief x Medic smut

Part of your research Master Chief x Biologist. Probably a long fic.

Shot Through the heart [Mob!AU] Shameless Mob au smut

Master Chief NSFW Alphabet Dirty dirty headcanons

Just some Michael Gavey BS, bc I have some, too Mikey and reader are on a project together, but he'd rather fukc her. Involves mommy kink and Mikey being a virgin.

[shaperaverse-brainrot]

little sneak peak of a Lloyd I'm drawing for my Shaperaverse pirate au

Actually writing the fic ❌

Drawing them all and coming up with random headcanons for it ✅

[miodiodavinci]

the burnout is real lads . . . . .

[slayter-kinney]

eye. really don’t have anything to add that hasn’t been said already. i’m speechless. emily.exe has stopped responding. why is dapc the most important thing to happen in my life ever. i’ll be at my own wedding like “dang i wish those gay youtubers covered in blood were doing a goat demon ritual here.” once my ritual shirt arrives i will be wearing it so much it will become a health hazard. why am i like this.

[whumpy-wyrms]

Have you ever hear of the webtoon Silent Screams? It's full of whump and it honestly reminds me of some of your work. Highly recommend

YES!!!! i love silent screams!! i was actually just reading the recently updated episode earlier. it’s sooo good, i definitely recommend it to anyone who likes lab whump! also thanks for thinking of my stuff too that’s so cool :)

when i started reading it in like october, it made me wanna make a tllr webcomic soooo bad but i just don’t have the time for that lol. maybe some day (definitely Some day because a tllr webcomic would go so fucking hard)

also whump in the form of comics/web comics/graphic novels is like my favorite way of consuming whump so if anyone has any recommendations feel free to let me know! :)

[zincbot]

WWW EPISODE 19

[cloud-ya]

You rlly love this fox huh?

yes but she doesn't want to come home

[loosesodamarble]

Don't know if any of you guys remember...

But I once said in the past that I created an otome Smash or Pass.

Here it is.

I will be sharing my thoughts on the guys and my own ratings.

Beware of spoilers for the following dating sims:

Cinderella Phenomenon

Code Realize: Guardian of Rebirth

Collar x Malice

Piofiore: Fated Memories

Radiant Tale

Virche Evermore: Error Salvation

Cafe Enchante

Winter's Wish: Spirits of Edo

Variable Barricade

I also rate the guys from Kamigami no Asobi but I haven't actually touched the game and have only seen the anime so spoilers are basically non-existent for that game.

[baynton]

Mat Baynton as Neil in 1234

[sunijhida]

Spoilers Spoilers Spoilers! for the end of Endwalker (heh). Below the cut is a lil drabble. Angst, G'raha/WoL, Canon Compliant.

I was having feelings and ideas, and finally I just had to write them down.

Omicron Base, Ultima Thule.

"Raha, wait!" you cry just as he's stepping towards the omicron. He pauses and is still turning back to you when you grab his face in your hands and kiss him. The sound that G'raha makes can only be described as a squeak as he freezes beneath your hands. A moment later he's sighing and melting into the kiss.

The twins may be saying something, possibly yelling, but if they are you can't hear them. You're too focused on him, his lips against yours, his cheeks beneath your hands, his hands finding purchase on your body as you kiss him. You kiss him and kiss him and kiss him with all the love and fear and desperation you have bursting in your chest. You kiss him for as long as you can before you eventually have to slowly pull back. You open your eyes to see him dazed and blushing furiously. Its adorable, and kind of gratifying.

You keep holding his face even as you ease away, eyes locked on his. Gorgeous red that had taken him from you, only to then bring him back. You watch him as you breathe in the small space between you for just a few more moments. You try to savour them as they slip through your fingers.

"Uh you-- and then I-- But you-- I didn't think--" He fumbles for words, obviously wanting to ask what brought that on. You lean forward to press your forehead to his, closing your eyes against the pain in your heart.

"I promise. I promise okay? I'm promising, and I keep my promises. No matter what it takes, I'll keep this one. So just--" A sob kills the words in your throat. You're crying. You shouldn't be crying. You'd wanted to send him off with a smile. A smile better suits a hero. "Just wait for me, okay?"

Hands coming up to yours, he eases you back gently. You open your eyes as your hands fall to hang interlocked between you. He's looking at you. He looks so gentle, so beautiful, so fond. Your heart squeezes in your chest as he smiles at you. "I'll wait," he says. "So don't take too long, alright?" A wet laugh escapes as you pull away, forcing yourself to let him go. His hands tighten on yours for a second before reluctantly loosening and slipping away. Sniffling, you scrub your arm over your face. You look at him, drinking in the sight of him, whole and healthy and alive, and you smile.

"I'll see you soon," you promise.

"I know you will."

This is so much like what happened at the crystal tower when he sealed it and its killing you. You remember begging him not to go, that you'll find another way, just please don't do this. But he felt he had a destiny to fulfill, and was convinced that you'd be alright without him. He'd sealed himself in that damned tower, and when you saw him again-- Well. There's so much more you want to say to him, but you can't drag this out any longer. You'll tell him once he's back. You will.

You watch as he steels himself and turns. He walks up to the omicron and what he says pierces your already bleeding heart. You want to scream as the dark fog of dynamis swirls around him, hiding him from view, but choke it back. Then it fades away and he's gone. Moments later, luminous crystal bursts forth, shimmering and beautiful and horrible. Of course he would become crystal. How could it have been anything else?

You take a moment. You breathe, bracing yourself against the heartache and the fear and every other emotion you can't afford to feel right now, locking it all away inside you. Finally you look at the twins. Alisaie looks just as upset as you are, and you can tell its as much on your behalf as her own. The sympathy in Alphinaud's eyes has you turning away before he can say anything, looking for the start of the crystal road G'raha had sacrificed himself for.

"Let's go. I don't want to keep him waiting."