#febuary mental breakdown

[arobraindead]

Maybe I should watch the show more... (Ralph angst)

Because watching "Horrid Henry, Rocking the World" (s3 ep45) actually helped me with understanding these characters lmao. wow shocker i know.

I don't really... partake in watching the show as much as I should. Course I watched the show to find it (s3 ep1) but otherwise watched some and mainly clips.

Why that episode specifically? Because it gives Ralph character and makes me realize that perhaps... Henry isn't a bad friend LOL.

While it DOES show that Henry cares about Ralph and supports him, it also shows that it could be a bit... not so good (Henry not always giving proper care about Ralph's feelings). But what friendship is 100% perfect?

That episode also shows that Ralph REALLY doesn't want to be seen as nothing and needs to be something in people's eyes. Exaggeration? Yes. Potential issue that could get worse as he gets older? Also yes.

Weird thing about that episode is that while I don't expect continuity, I'm just a tab bit surprised Ralph thinks that he isn't good at anything when just last season (specifically; ep45 or 41 & ep22 or 23 [s2 episodes aren't consistent])

He's interested in fashion. Perhaps he doesn't think he's good at it per se or dropped that hobby. Or the show sucks at keeping up with character's lore and forgot that even happend. 🤷

Also side note;

Both Henry and Ralph want to be something in people eyes. But in different ways and how they express / feel about it.

Henry wants to be famous and a rockstar etc. But he feels excited at the idea rather than anxious. He's like "One day I'll be a rockstar!!" Even if he does deal with a superiority complex that covers up his feelings of inferiority.

Ralph is anxious and worried he'll never be something in other's eyes. Unlike Henry that's more "selfish" (out of his own passions and dreams) Ralph only mainly wants that to look good in front of others.

Like it's not about wanting to be noticed for his passions and whatnot but rather a need to be at least... noticed and relevant. To be remembered and known that's he's... worth something. Anything.

...which pretty much gets resolved by the end of the episode. So would it really be a major issue? NOPE. But who cares.

[muffinninjafairy]

Life Update

Oh my goodness, to be quiet frank I have no idea when was the last time I have actually sat down and made a text post. I one day was going through my archives and everything that was going on in my personal life from over a decade ago and never really spoke about what happened to me from then to now... so I guess I will.

I've personally have been more active socially on discord, and more so been using my socials as platforms for my work, but I also remembered , this is my blog so I'm gonna blog. I have no clue how many people from all those years ago are still on here but if you are, I hope all is well.

TIME CAPSULE TIME~ (These are all summaries of the time minimizing details because of personal reasons) I guess I would say my activity started to become less and less as of like 2015 - 2016, Like I was on here, but mostly reblogging and running off. To put it in the frankest of terms, I was having a sever mental episodes during that time frame. With a lot of personal situations happening with my family and not being in a healthy environment to properly regulate my emotions nor the proper support system to help me with what I was going through.

On July 11th 2015 I was admitted to the hospital for a mental breakdown that caused me to be taken away via ambulance. There I was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar 1 (manic depressive episodes) . The health care system where I came from was not at all great, my phycologist over medicated me to the point where I would have black out spells and seizers (then given medication for those seizers) . My family still then refused to support me and so I clung to what ever I could for validation. As a result of this I tried to become hyper independent.

Months after being released from the hospital I moved out of my house and with an old high school buddy and their partner. Then after I entered a long distance relationship. Which in toe turned very toxic very fast. But being blinded by my BPD, I stuck with it for 2.5 years.

In February of the next year I was kicked out of my roommates apartment because of my job being closed down and had no income. So I was forced to move back home with my father. In those years from 2016 - 2018 felt like my absolute rock bottom, I would have extended periods of time where I never left the house and hid in my room. In fear of the world around me. My relationship was not helping if not hurting me more and more. They did not care about me or what was going on, only what they wanted out of the relationship. My father was becoming more and more verbally abusive and felt that I deserved nothing. I did have a new job then too but it was a dead end job and was paying very little (8.25$ an hour when I left I was being paid 10$ an hour)

2018 comes around, this is where I feel things starting to change, I met my DnD Group (March 2018) at this time but because of the toxicity of my ex, they left me because I would no longer isolate myself and wanted friends. (May 2018) Time goes by, me and the DM of the DnD start becoming closer and start our relationship in Sept. 21, 2018.

2019 Comes by and I get hit with reality, I need help. My episodes were coming back and I was hurting those around me, So finally I pulled my boot straps and looked for professional help. Once I found the therapist for me, I started to improve, my relationship with my partner and my friends increased in strength. I was still having problems at home with my family, but came to the realization that if they didn't want to be part of my healing journey then they didn't need to.

2020 is here and me and my partner are becoming serious, to the point of planning our future together. we scrounged and saved until the end of the year where we finally had enough to move in together in a new state. I quit my dead end job, and sent my stuff across country.

In Febuary of 2021 I finally said goodbye to my home and my partner and I moved to their grandmothers home temporarily until we secured an apartment. Once we did we collected everything and with the moving truck we drove to our new home.

we have been here ever since and I could not be happier. I have had a stable job for 2 years now, I've also been promoted within the company, I can actually go out now with out having an anxiety attack, I have friends both online and IRL, I have been in a 5 year relationship and still striving for the future. I can finally be myself without having to hide away in a room for years. I can actually be independent. It took some time but I feel much more mentally healthy.

Long Story Short: For a very long time I was stunted by my environment and did not have tools properly to grow until one day I was allowed to. Now I'm doing much more positive things for myself and receiving the support I needed. I am loved and cared for. Life can get better. I am doing a lot better.

I honestly do not know how many people are still here that knew me during this time period . But I am alive, healthy, and being the best I can be.

I also don't know why I felt the need to explain my life, I guess reflecting from then to now. I guess I wanted to share my progression cause I am proud of who I am now. And if throwing it into this void and someone sees this. Hope this lets you know that things can get better.

Love you cuties Shaylee

[mokuudefined]

Micah James Kilorn

Birthday: Febuary 17th

Likes: Romance novels, art books, scented markers, shrubs, action figures, being hugged, and physical affection.

Dislikes: The smell of milk, hair ties, cowboy boots, everything to do with math, and a dirty room.

Appearance: Micah has deep brown hair, with natural highlights of blonde in it. He has one of those perfectly shaped jawlines, and slit eyes. His eyes are the color of the sea, deep and mysterious. He has a small beauty mark under his left eye and another by his lips. (Which never seemed to be chaped?) Despite being very neat, he can never seem to get his brown curls under control. They are often left astray as he has given up on combing or fixing it.

Personality: Micah Kilorn is the chillest person alive. He won’t bother you. (Unless it’s about cleaning) He won’t even talk to you if you don’t strike up a conversation. Some people might call him shy, but he just doesn’t feel the need to talk 24/7. Some people might describe him as “Stone Cold” or maybe a serial killer. (Maybe he is? Just kidding..) He feels the need to help everyone, even the people he hates. Micah is a hard worker, always trying to accomplish something in his life. He’s a busy person doing.. Whatever the hell he does. He doesn’t like when people push him around or tease him. He’s horrible when he’s grumpy. (Just don’t even try to talk to him.) He notices the little things, the purple shadows under your eyes from lack of sleep, the red tear marks from your last mental breakdown, and maybe the hickey you forgot to cover up. He’ll make remarks about everything—the smallest details.

Fun facts:

Micah is in LOVE with romance novels.

He’s embarrassed to admit it though.

Micah lives off a purely sugar-based diet. Want to get him in a good mood? Give him some Reese's cups or sour rainbow strips... And you have him under your belt for a couple of hours.

Micah.. Is a big reader and studier. Want to get notes from class from when you were absent? Micah’s gotcha.

He keeps a mental note of what you like and don’t like.

[societal-hazard-thingy]

K Howard death day hcs because we have 10 days left :)

1. Her mental breakdown song for febuary 13th is There's No Love in February by The Orion Experience

2. In the days leading up to it she withdraws from everyone but Anne

3. Anne doesn't let Kat lock herself up in her room alone like the first year being back.

4. Kat and Anne host regular one on one Dance parties to the songs of Kat's choice

5. Kat is a pet fiend with no self control, her two pups and one cat for kit-kat just kinda curl up and cuddle her and get extra over-protective

[ranseltoska]

Tengah Malam, Menuju Pagi.

Sudah hampir beberapa hari sebelum memasuki bulan Maret dan sadar tidak banyak hal yang saya tuliskan di sini. Sesungguhnya tidak banyak hal juga yang terjadi pada diri saya. Menutup bulan Januari kemarin dengan menyaksikan Kunto Aji dan menyaksikan langsung Pilu Membiru dinyanyikan dan tidak berhasil menyelesaikan project menulis di tumblr setiap hari yang saya bikin sendiri, akhirnya kita semua berpindah pada bulan kedua. 

Seperti biasa, di awal selalu ada semangat dan harapan baru yang tumbuh, yang seolah menegaskan bahwa kita akan baik-baik saja dan apa-apa yang sedang kita hadapi bisa dilalui dengan baik. Tetapi kenyataannya tidak seperti itu, terutama untuk saya. Penuh dengan kemalasan dan mental breakdown hampir setiap hari, pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang bikin resah namun yang tidak kunjung menemukan jawabannya, atau ketakutan-ketakutan dan rasa gelisah yang tidak pernah mau enyah. Sudahlah, entah kemana saya akan terbawa arusnya nanti, mari berdoa saja.

Tetapi terlepas dari keresahan, saya banyak menemukan hal-hal kecil yang ternyata sangat menghangatkan perasaan dan membuat hari terasa penuh.  Seperti berjalan kaki pulang ke kosan dari kedai kopi favorit melalui jalan kecil yang penuh sawah dan tanaman-tanaman. Seperti berjalan kaki untuk mencoba bakso dekat kosan lalu pulang melalui jalan yang berbeda dan duduk di sepetak tanah hijau sambil menyaksikan langit biru berubah menjadi oranye, pink, dan jingga. Seperti makan di sebuah tempat murah, lalu jajan di warung kecil, duduk di depan gang sambil minum sebotol yakult dan menertawakan hal-hal di twitter bersama seorang teman.  Kenapa belakangan yang sederhana seperti ini, seperti jarang terjadi ya? Mungkin saya yang kurang peka untuk menangkapnya dan menyimpan dalam ingatan?

Lalu ada pertemuan kembali dengan teman-teman terdekat, yang paling saya bisa menceritakan segala isi perasaan dan keresahan. Berkumpul di sebuah kedai yang nyaman, setelah dua bulan tidak bertemu karena salah seorang sedang pulang ke rumah. Merayakan bertambahnya usia seorang teman dengan menikmati sepotong kue tiramisu dan pai buah. Memesan pizza dan salad serta minuman berwarna hijau, lalu menghabiskan hari tanpa selesai berceloteh. Tentang perjalan selama tidak saling bertemu. Tentang keresahan akan hal-hal tertentu yang kami buat sendiri. Tentang perasaan takut dengan masa depan. Tentang orang-orang yang kami pikir hanya ada di sinetron tapi ternyata muncul dalam kehidupan nyata. Tentang apa yang sedang kami baca, dengar, tonton, dan yang kami tertawakan di dunia maya. 

Selain itu saya sedang tergila-gila dengan sebuah boyband Korea berjudul EXO. Tergila-gila dengan personilnya yang bernama Chanyeol dan Kyungsoo. Betapa berbedanya mereka, yang satu jahil, yang satu galak. Yang satu ceria dan talkative, yang satu pendiam. Tapi entah bagaimana, mereka terlihat saling melengkapi dan nyaman dengan satu sama lain. Saya juga mulai suka dengan personel-personel yang lain, menyukai lagu-lagu mereka, menonton reality show mereka, dan jatuh cinta kepada cara mereka semua berinteraksi dan saling menyayangi satu sama lain. Saking sukanya, kadang lupa jadwal makan dan tidur karena sibuk melihat video mereka atau membaca fanfict tentang mereka. Sudah lama, tidak segininya dengan suatu grup. Senangnya lagi, salah satu sahaba terdekat saya juga menyukai group ini, jadi kami saling membicarakan dan berbagi informasi.

Tentang sahabat ini, saya merasa terkoneksi kembali dengan dia. Mungkin karena kami sedang menyukai grup yang sama, kami meluangkan lebih banyak waktu untuk berbicara, yang ternyata tidak hanya tentang EXO tetapi juga tentang hidup. Bahwa dia saat ini sedang merantau, dia yang selalu tidak pernah diizinkan pergi dari rumah dan ragu-ragu untuk meninggalkan rumah, akhirnya mengambil keputusan besar itu. Dan saya tidak bisa lebih bangga dari ini, karena dia berani mencoba hal baru, hal yang kadang sangat ia takuti, karena dia berusaha keluar dari zona ternyamannya. Berbicara dengan selalu menyenangkan, tidak pernah ada pretensi-pretensi, tidak ada basa-basi, ia tidak pernah bertanya tentang hal yang sedang saya resahkan tetapi ia tau kapan harus menyemangati saya. Berkenalan dengannya selama hampir sembilan tahun, saya tidak pernah menyesal dengan kehadirannya.

Kemudian ada yang datang berkunjung, jauh-jauh dari ujung barat sana, datang dengan membawa hal-hal yang saya rindukan tentang rumah. Berkumpul dengan orang-orang familiar yang menyaksikan kamu tumbuh bersama di tanah perantauan salah satu berkat yang harus disyukuri. Ada pertemuan-pertemuan dengan orang-orang yang terikat hubungan darah secara tidak langsung namun belum pernah bertatap muka secara langsung. Lalu ada perjalanan-perjalanan dadakan, yang dimulai dengan bangun telat lalu mengejar kereta, berburu batik di banyak tempat, dan kembali mengejar kereta pulang. Perjalanan tidak lama yang mengesankan.

Ditutup dengan sebuah sabtu yang paling manis dalam bulan ini. Bangun cukup pagi, lalu memutuskan sarapan setelah lama tidak, kemudia belanja. Setelahnya bersiap karena akan bertemu lingkaran paling dekat dan paling dipercayai sekarang ini. Sampai di sebuah kedai kopi yang bikin jatuh cinta bernama Leiden. Tidak terlalu luas, penuh dengan meja yang diisi orang-orang, musik yang cukup enak, kopi yang oke, dan sebuah sudut dengan lemari buku yang pilihannya cukup menarik--dari Pramoedya Ananta Toer, Eka Kurniawan, Leila Chudori, Dee Lestari, dan sebagainya. Memesan segelas matcha latte dingin, meletakkan tas sembarang di meja tengah, saya menyusur rak buku dan memutuskan mengambil buku berwarna hijau yang matching dengan warna ransel dan minuman saya. Manifesto Flora, buku yang review-nya bikin penasaran dan setelah membaca satu chapter memutuskan bahwa buku ini memang menarik. Tidak lam seorang teman datang dan kami larut dengan kesibukan masing-masing, ia dengan laptop dan tugas akhirnya, saya dengan sebuah buku, download-an korea yang belum kelar, dan halaman twitter yang menarik. Saya habis menemukan sebuah akun yang memparodikan sejarah bapak bangsa dengan cara paling epik dan jatuh cinta setengah mati dengan pengetahuan yang coba mereka berikan melalui akun itu. Penuh dengan jokes yang baru dimengerti jika kita memang mau mengerti sejarah pendiri bangsa ini, dengan cara paling asik. Bikin saya ingin lebih banyak membaca buku dan memahami kembali tokoh-tokoh pendiri bangsa.

Lalu seorang teman datang juga. Kalo sama yang ini, saya nggak terlalu bisa diam. Banyak sekali yang bisa dan harus kami bicarakan sampai kadang mengganggu teman yang satunya. Saya memberi taunya tentang akun parodi tersebut dan menertawakannya bersama. Berbagi film-film yang harus kami tonton segera. Pertanyaan basa-basi tentang tugas akhir yang kami akhiri dengan tawa dan kedikan bahu tanda tak peduli. Cerita-cerita tentang teman kampus yang sudah lama tidak bertemu. Kemudian sampai di satu titik, ia menceritakan tentang temannya yang sedang berada di fase yang sama dengan kami, hampir gila dengan tugas akhir, ingin menyelesaikan tetapi berat sekali. Bahwa ternyata mereka, anak-anak yang saya kira jauh di atas kami dari segi pemahaman ilmu, juga merasakan berbagai keresahan dan ketakutan tentang tugas yang kunjung selesai ini. Bahwa kadang merasa depresi dan ingin menyerah saja. Saya merasa tidak sendirian, bahwa perasaan ini bukan karena saya goblok atau tidak punya kesadaran diri saja, tetapi mungkin sebuah fase yang harus dilewati kami, si anak-anak semestr akhir. Semoga, di tengah kegelapan ini, kami menemukan terang.

Setelahnya kami memutuskan makan bersama dan mengunjungi kosan si teman yang membuat saya tidak berhenti bicara. Makan di bakso uleg jakal lalu berjalan kaki ke kosan demi tidak terjebak macet jakal yang bikin saya sakit kepala. Tempat kos teman ini menyenangkan, berada di perumahan warga, sehinga meski berjalan kaki rasanya tidak terlalu padat dan entah bagaimana terasa familiar. Sepanjang berjalan tentu tidak berhenti tertawa dan membicarakan apa saja sambil merasakan hujan yang mulai jatuh pelan-pelan. Ketika sampai, segera menginvasi kamar si teman dan mulai bicara seolah tiada hari esok. Tentang skincare, pengalaman bertransportasi, buku-buku motivasi, cerita-cerita lama sebelum kami saling bertemu, permasalahan kampus, sampai ipin upin yang numpang lewat di tv, sambil makan sepiring semangka segar. Lalu adzan maghrib berkumandang, saya bersiap ke mesjid karena teman ini berbeda agama tentu tidak ada mukena. Dengan baiknya ia meminta anak kos yang lain untuk meminjamkan saya mukena, karena di luar hujan dan saya bisa kebasahan. Ah, saya sungguh terharu sekali. Dia adalah salah satu teman berbeda agama yang paling dekat dengan saya dan saya selalu bisa bercerita apapun dengannya.

Lalu kami pulang. Sampai kosan, gegoleran lama sambil baca-baca soal group idola, mandi, melipat pakaian bersih, meletakkan pakaian kotor di laundry bag, merendam pakaian untuk dicuci, memasak mie, nonton reality show EXO yang bikin happy, makan jeruk, dan memutuskan tidur. Hari itu hujan turun sangat deras dan udara sangat dingin, tetapi saya tau hati saya merasa hangat luar biasa. Sekian hari penuh kehampaan di bulan Febuari, saya kembali merasa penuh.

Tinggal beberapa hari menuju bulan Maret, semoga semakin siap menghadapi apapun yang sedang menanti di depan sana. Semoga kamu selalu dimudahkan hidupnya, Riq!

Tengah malam, menuju pagi,

R.

[annyeongmynameiselly]

18-11-18 The day i lost the Love of my life. Mama. Was i prepared? No. Am i okay? The answer is No. Although i put up a strong physical in front of people. Deep down i crumbled. I lost all focus in my career, my faith and my life. 2019 was the year i thought my life will change. I want to be a better person i said. I must move forward. And So i tried. Moved to a newly merged school. Work. Work. Work. Thats all i did. I thought being busy was good. No i was wrong. When i got too busy. I became tired. Tired from work. Tired of people. Tired of everything. I was stressed, depressed and i felt extremely empty. I then became very unhealthy physically and mentally. I started having thoughts of quitting my job. and it was only Febuary. I remember being so sick that i used up all 14 days of my Sick leaves. Ramadhan Came. My Hardest month of all. I keep having breakdowns almost every week. I guess it wasnt because i was physically tired but because i was mentally tired. Being all alone. The battle between my Faith and my inner self was really at its peak. I began to question my worth in Dunya. MasyaAllah how weak was my Iman when i started to feel all of this. I Istigfar and Istikharah to find my self worth. Alhamdulillah, i rose up again because i told myself i had to be strong. Not for myself, but For Abah. After Syawal, i made my decision to quit my job. I took the longest break i could ever afford. Alhamdulillah, i managed to travel to a few countries to find myself again. To heal myself. But why do i still feel empty? I then realised that, some things just don't change overnight. You just need to motivate yourself harder everytime. The empty space in my heart will always be for Mama. I miss you Ma. Like crazy every single day. 😢 Now, 1 year had passed... "Ya Allah.. I pray that you will always look after Mama, placed her with pious people, blessed her for her charity in Dunya. I pray that i will never forget Mama and she will always be with me, watching me from Jannah. May you give both Abah and I Strength, Good Health to move forward in this Life and to be Better Muslimin and Muslimah. InsyaAllah. Amin ya rabbal al amin." Al-Fateha, Sathiah Binte Salleh🧡 https://www.instagram.com/p/B4-xvuvBP0I/?igshid=7x74g33f90xj

[smullla]

ok but

i have a school animatic and video to make, 2 cosplays until mid febuary and also i want to do art on the side and keep updated. I dont think ill make it out of the next months sane and god forbid i actually get my drivers practice licence because then if i dont go practice drive my dad will give me shit and im scared ill have an mental breakdown and be really mean to him and that’ll only make him able to guilt me later so im forced to proritise even though i have to get all of this done